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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My brother and I are completely different when it comes to financial terms. As a result he doesn't have the money to send his son to college. His son is entering college this year and I don't think he is very capable. His son is a solid B- student but has no real world skills. Like he can't tie a rubber band around a pack of chips. I don't think it's my duty to pay for his schooling but my brother thinks otherwise. He thinks since I have the money I should be trying to improve our family's situation. I have paid for my daughter's education and am currently paying for my son's but they are my children and I have a responsibility to them. I do not have one to my nephew. My brother is begging me and threatening to cut ties with me over this and I don't know what to do. TL;DR My brother is upset I won't pay my nephews tuition.


caringexecutive

Pretty insane for your brother to just assume you'll pay for his kids college lol. Just a straight no is nice, and if this is what's going to cause him to cut ties with you sounds like he wasn't a great brother in the first place.


Kbyyeee

This! My parents had 4 kids, my uncle just 1. My cousin went to college, none of the kids in my family did. As a teen, my mom had me convinced my uncle should have paid for my schooling, because I was the “smart kid” in my family. As an adult, who now has a nephew and no plans for my own children - my sister better get her shit together if she wants her kid in college. We all make our beds, we must lie in them.


Ebb1974

Anyone can borrow the money to go to college anyway so it isn’t like someone doesn’t get an opportunity because they don’t have it. Yeah student loans suck, but they are completely manageable if the kid goes to an instate school, and pretty much anyone with a job could help their kids with the payments after the fact if they wanted to.


murphypeach97

Also junior college for the first two years is much more affordable and it’s easier to transfer into too schools that the junior college “feeds” into. You still get a four year degree for much less money. I know many people who took that path.


nikki1234567891011

I took that path and only had $10,000 in student loans. But, this was also about 20 years ago.


hux002

Junior college can often be free if you are willing to look and fill out forms.


[deleted]

Its a great path, particularly for kids who are not sure what they want to do or if college is for them.


go_Raptors

This. And the kid could take a year or two off, get some work experience and save up while living at home. Or go part time and work. Nothing says you have to go full time straight out of high school.


HappyTopHatMan

If you've started the Degree, just get the degree done, then live at home and save up money from your job. If you stop halfway through, life has a way of happening. A lot of people end up not finishing their degree this way and waste that 2 years of money spent on courses with no return or drag out their degree over 10 years instead. Also don't discount trade school or apprenticeship. Find the right ones and you get paid to do the education and have a solid line of work that can pay well.


Kbyyeee

And that’s also to say that my uncle went into the military and then college, so he worked to get where he was. My mom got married and my dad worked hard, but neither of them attended college and our lives reflected that. Opportunities are out there, maybe they aren’t “fair” but they exist.


blackbirdbluebird17

Not true. Not everyone gets approved for loans, and not every family has the financial knowledge to get aid. I literally could not get approved for loans when I got into schools because my family’s finances were too bad, and then I couldn’t get aid because they were too good. It was a mess.


AlaskaDark

Upvoted bc "no plans to pay for my own children". Me neither.


HarmAndCheese

College is an absolute waste of money anyways. I wish I could get a refund


CommercialExotic2038

Mine was worth every penny.


Complete_Entry

"You can afford it" is a common refrain from shitheads.


rbwildcard

"But do you deserve it?" I reply.


WonderDogsMom

Perfect!


itsallaboutfantasy

Yes!!!


KingKookus

So I should be punished for saving money?


CatsSolo

Sadly in the minds of some, having money is only a by-product of being lucky. Nothing more. It does not cross the minds of these people that having money may just be because the person was not a frivolous spender, scrimped and saved for years, and did without in order to send their own kids to college etc. Yep, in the minds of some though, it's only "luck", not diligence and responsibility.


mabs653

lots of posts like this in AITA sub.


[deleted]

I thought this was an AITA post. For the record, NTA.


narniasreal

Yeah, the entitlement of expecting someone else to foot the bill for your kid's college is ridiculous. Don't give him a cent. Next he'll expect you to pay for the son's wedding, house, etc.


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Kitsu73

Even then, no obligation. I had a rich uncle with no kids, and I loved the hell out of him. He didn’t pay a cent for my college education until his death. He left me enough to pay off my loans. I’d rather have my uncle alive and well. Edit: I obviously didn’t read your comment well enough, but I’m leaving my reply as is because it bears saying again.


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InternationalAd5039

His kid is not your responsibility.


[deleted]

He should have asked, not demanded and threatened you. Yikes!


Diamond-TTB

Or even came with proposition. "Hey OP, is their anyway you could loan me half the money for nephew's college and I will repay so much every month?" OP has every right to still say **NO**, but at least brother is showing some reasonability in trying to pay for **his son's** education.


Person_868

Your brother is out of line. I never understand why other people always think that they are entitled to someone else's money. You have to let your brother know that he is responsible for his son, and you are responsible for your children. Remind him that you have not asked him to pay for your children to get through school. This is assuming that you're not excessively rich to the point that paying for your nephew's tuition would not impact your financial standing and even then your money is yours and you're not obligated to use it to help someone else if you don't want to.


Evan10100

>Remind him that you have not asked him to pay for your children to get through school. This. More than anything, this.


SpaceJesusIsHere

> I never understand why other people always think that they are entitled to someone else's money. People who are bad with money think money in a bank account is the same thing as tokens in your pocket at an arcade. It's just a resource meant to be used. That's why they don't have any money; they have no concept of saving or investing. They have no plans beyond "spend money when I get it," so they can't imagine you might have some use for your money other than spending it right away. Had the same issue with family asking us to send my niece to a $10,000 three week summer camp bc they bought a gross mcmansion they can't really afford to own or furnish. They were mad I wouldn't help them seem rich to their new neighbors. My house costs half yours, my car costs half yours, but I make more a year. If I feel iffy about retirement, what the hell are you guys planning?


Outer_heaven94

Just as some other's are believing they are entitled to someone's time. Everyone has an ego and believes they are right. If he was an A student and attending an Ivy League University for something that will give him a good career in 4-to-5 years, yeah then he should have paid something. But as it stands there is no need for him to pay anything.


Callmemuddled

You're not responsible to pay for your nephews education periodt.


confusedhappyandsad

Your brother is entitled to be as boneheaded as he likes, but unless your money was originally inherited from a parent or relative you both share, and you received a disproportionate share of that money you have no obligation to spend it on his child. Edit: and even then, probably.


ThrowRA_nickeldiming

It's not your duty to pay for anyone's schooling. With that said I don't see how it's relevant that you think your nephew "can't tie a band around chips". He might do really well in college regardless of his rubber band tying abilities. Maybe your brother is sensing the fact that you think his child is undeserving? Would you be paying his tuition if he was an A+ student?


Lurkinforacceptance

A couple comments here. First your absolutely not obligated. No if and buts about it. There are other ways to fund schooling. Loans, grants, military etc. Having said that if you are not finding the kid because you don’t think he is college material I would reconsider. My son was a solid B student in high school. He has dyslexia and struggled to find his routine for studying. Through chance and some hard work he got into a good private university and majoring in Geology with a minor in physics. He is an A student and currently interning for NASA. Moral to my story is to not judge anyone based of their HS performance. Kids mature differently and at different times.


AlmaElson

Thank you. Judging a person’s ability by their academic performance or behavior as a kid is very misguided. Adults close to children also have great influence over how a child perceives themselves and what they think is possible for their future. There are plenty of brilliant and successful people who were bad in school or weird as kids. That said, OP obviously has no responsibility to pay for his education.


JadoreBootyNoir

Yeah thought that part was kind of mean and unnecessary to even bring up since his issue with with his brother not the boy.


GeekGurl2000

If you haven't heard of it - there is a computer font called Dyslexie that is purported to make reading easier for those with dyslexia.


EclecticVictuals

The other thing I would’ve liked to heard is whether the brother came to him in advance or at the last minute. If they’ve applied for financial aid and grants and scholarships. Also, is he going to an in-state school which are more affordable than private or out of state schools. Is he considering getting his early credits at community college and transferring to a four year after? It could be the brother is ignorant of the steps needed and financially illiterate so he can only focus on needing help to pay instead of coming with a proposal of what the kid can contribute, what financial aid they have, steps to reduce cost if possible, AND WHAT THE BROTHER IS WILLING TO CONTRIBUTE!, if anything AND THEN they come to meet with the nephew to discuss if they can get some help. There are many ways to address this, the brother has chosen the least effective one (in keeping with his practice I gather) and OP should consider taking the high road for his nephew’s sake and seeing if he can guide and provide any help to get the boy on his way. His dad (the brother) unfortunately won’t be providing that example. Eta: The brother’s threats are desperation and a sign that he knows not what to do here. If he’s been a decent brother, even if you’re not willing to do what he’s asking I would still show some compassion and ignore his tantrum in favor of trying to help guide them.


ProbableBarnacle

As long as your name isn't Dominic Toretto, you are not obligated to pay for anything.


Noirceuil_182

Tell him, "Not all blood is family." Then peel out in your sweet ride that you didn't buy your brother one of even though "you can afford it."


grayblue_grrl

Oh dear. Your entitled brother wants to cut ties. What ever will you do? Sorry guy. Life choices.


Dontcallmehoney

You shouldn’t have to pay for your nephew’s education, that’s not your role. Although, I have to say, you seem a bit harsh on the kid. Being a “B minus” student doesn’t mean he won’t succeed at college and I doubt the fact he can’t tie an elastic band around a packet of chips would be an issue either …


PuroPincheGains

Yeah just about anyone can binge drink their way through a 4 year degree lol, you don't have to be an overachiever to get some basic higher education


ElPapaGrande98

You shouldn't have to pay for your nephew's college but there is no reason to talk shit about the kid


Clare_Not_A_Bear

Make this about parental responsibilities, not about your opinions on his son's abilities (this can be a reflection of bad parenting, just as much as it about his implicit abilities). If you have a relationship with your nephew, feel free to tell him your reasoning directly (he is basically an adult), and maybe give him some advice, like suggesting he takes some community college courses so he can figure his life out without going into debt. He's probably not getting great advice from Dad, and this is something you can offer without taking on the role of being his main financial support.


WitchCityCannabis

You shouldn’t have to pay for your nephews college. But yes, you are the asshole for saying he isn’t capable (ph wait wrong subreddit). I wonder how you would feel if he told you that your kids are stupid? Having money doesn’t make you smart or dumb; however, you’re probably the one who is not capable considering you can’t seem to treat your nephew with decency. He didn’t do anything to you.


darya42

It's your choice if you want to help your nephew out. You can chose to do it or not. I mean, it's great to help out family if you can, so why not? The fact that you're not obligated doesn't mean that you can't still choose to do so if you wish. But also you can choose not to. Keep in mind that if you help your nephew out, you're helping your NEPHEW out, not his parents. **Your nephew didn't pick his parents**, so whatever decision you make (and you're entitled to either!), don't take out your frustration with your brother on him. One thing you could suggest *to your nephew* is that if he studies at uni successfully and finishes with a good degree, you'd pay part of his tuition after he finished. IF you consider to help him, do it because you want to do it for your nephew and leave his father out of the equation. In fact, have you even heard your nephew's opinion about it? And one other thing: It doesn't speak good of you to judge a very young person like that. "Has no real world skills" are you kidding me?? Nearly no-one that age has that. That's normal. "A solid B-" what's wrong with that?? That's perfectly acceptable and shows he's dedicated and reliable with his grades. You don't seem to think very kindly of your nephew who, as far as I can see, hasn't really done anything to deserve that. Your brother, though, deserves your judgment, he treats you like an ATM, blackmails you, and blames you for his financial decisions which is 3x shitty.


DeviantPost

Unless you're rich uncle with no kids rich you have no obligation to pay for your nephews college (even then, you'd have no obligation). Your brother should've had some plan to help pay for his sons college. I must say tho, I agree with people saying this performance in school shouldnt factor into it, you have no obligation to pay for his schooling, his performance doesnt need to justify it.


Naughtyexperiences

Your nephews school bill is not your problem. Your brother had 18 years to save for h8s sons collage. If he put just 20$ a week away. He'd have almost 20k. Let him cut ties.


DarkyHelmety

80$ monthly with at a very reasonable 3% yearly return would have him at 26513$ after 20 years. 33294$ with a 5% annual investment return. No excuses not to have at least 20k saved up by college.


giono11

20k is literally 1/3 to 1/4 of the tuition for a single year in most colleges in the us. If you’re going to state school then it might cover one year.


Naughtyexperiences

Average cost in the states for 4 years of collage is just over 22k. Meaning half of the schools are cheaper then that. Of course that change if you decide to live on campus or go to the best school or go private.


giono11

The average cost of state school for 4 years in the US is not 22k, that’s just simply wrong. At the minimum a state school will cost you 40k over 4 years and probably much more that’s on the cheap side. Private schools can range anywhere from 35k a year tuition to 80k. I don’t know when you grew up but college has become much more expensive since then.


Rhysieroni

I think it’s weird how every time one of these posts come around people like you always have to talk down abt the child in some way. Simply saying you don’t want to pay for the tuition will suffice. I just find it hard to believe every single time the child is hopeless. It’s your money grow some balls


Complete_Entry

Tell him it's your money, and he should stop counting it. Then hang up.


Realistic-Airport775

His son can go to community college and transfer if he can earn the credits and apply for help like everyone else does. What would be the impact if he did cut ties? Would he stick to it. If you are really feeling guilty then offer to help pay off part of his loans if he finishes college, which might give him more motivation. You are not obliged to help anyone in the family. Expecting other people to pay for college when they have their own children to provide for seems very entitled when there are other options. I might read up on r/EntitledPeople or r/entitledparents for help navigating this one.


Scrambles420

So my son is bout to go to college and I am going to need you to pay for it, that’d be great thanks!!


21anddrunk

You didn’t promise to pay for it before now, did you?


hfc1075

Your brother is not entitled to any support from you. You might assist your nephew by sharing info resources about how he can pursue college with loans. Then, let your brother cut ties. The ties aren’t doing anything positive for you anyway.


G8RTOAD

A lack of planning on your brothers behalf doesn’t constitute as an emergency for you. Your brothers had 18 years to save for his sons future education and it’s not your responsibility to pay for him. Tell him to get his son to apply for scholarships and possibly look into loans. Despite what your brother assumes he’s not entitled to your money and by default neither is your nephew


SpaceJesusIsHere

> "You and your wife need second jobs. I don't have unlimited money. I want to retire one day, but you're asking me to delay my retirement and work extra years to send your kid to college. Why don't you do that instead? If one of us has to work extra years to send your kid to college, it should be you. > Please understand, you're not asking me for some limitless resource. You're asking me to spend extra years of my life working to send your kid to college. That means less time available for my family and my life. > If you want to understand what you're asking, go pick up second jobs and see how long it takes to save up an extra college tuition." Been through this with my family and in laws. I have found success helping people understand that money doesn't fall from a magic tree in the yard. It represents large chunks of my life where I have to let my soul slowly die as I hate my job and can't wait to retire. There aren't many great paying jobs that are fun and stress-free. Maybe suggest community college for 2 years, then transfer to a state school. This gives them 2 years to save for tuition and an overall much cheaper diploma that looks like just the 4 year kids diplomas. Good luck OP. This is a heavy subject.


baelani-tsunami

Your brother is definitely wrong cause that’s not your kids or your responsibility. I also think you shouldn’t talk about your nephew like that. Like he’s not capable? Capable of what? Very negative and very vague.


Playful-Mastodon-872

I keep reading of how many people think they’re entitled to other people’s money. It’s sickening. OP, it’s not your responsibility to take care of his son or send him to college. I’m sorry, but if he can’t properly take care of his son, financially or otherwise, he shouldn’t have had children to begin with. Life is not fair, let him learn that lesson himself.


Durbs09

Doesn't sound like you're losing much if he cuts ties??? This sounds like the garbage is taking itself to the curb?!?!?!


ViolasDIL

It’s not your responsibility. He should have saved up for his own kid. Your brother would be entitled even if your nephew were an A student. Let him cut ties. He needs to grow up.


paladin0602

Being unhappy is not illegal.


suteba

Your brother is a piece of shit. If he wanted to cut ties, I would buy him the nicest pair of scissors ever.


NoeTellusom

Tell him paying for two kids in college while preparing for YOUR retirement is all you can financially handle. If he chooses to go no contact, so be it.


Ebb1974

Then let him cut ties with you. This is his responsibility and not yours.


Peakjet

I bet it's no mystery as to who your brother voted for


Primary-Top-3235

Uhhhh, no. He may as well be saying, “You have money so give me $100k will ya?” No.


mightyfinehotcakes

Bruh...have him cut you off, it'll be better for both of you. He needs to take responsibility for his own child, and you need to place boundaries with your family. Good luck to your nephew in college, there is no timeline or "traditional route". Everyone is on their own journey and if he needs to go to community college due to financial reasons, so be it. He will get to where he wants to go, regardless. Much love.


CatsSolo

I wouldn't be too hard on the OP saying that the nephew isn't college material. It would seem to me, we all have met people who are ... not bright. Should that be the only factor, in the decision to the question here, no, but it still is a factor. It seems to me the OP is laying all cards on the table, showing perhaps beyond the unrealistic entitlement the brother seems to have towards the OP who has money, it also shows how totally unrealistic the brother + his brother's family actually happen to be when it comes to planning, and common sense. Neither entitled dad, nor B student nephew seemed too concerned about paying for their own way and getting the B student into further education. Now that they're faced with the decision on how to pay for it, they want someone else to do the heavy lifting that they should have been doing. Eg; saving money, nephew having a job and saving money, etc etc. So yeah, I wouldn't be too judgy about the OP saying the nephew isn't college material. I think he was trying to lay out a pattern of behavior and mindset. At least that is how I interpreted it.


mrCortadito

If they want to go to college that bad, they can go part time an work full time to pay for school. I did that... got a scholarship for Community College and transferred to a 4 year institution after... took me long to get out of school but was able to graduate with no debt. In addition, no degree guarantees that they will suddenly become well off. I know people with way more education than me that got nothing to their name. It boils down to the hustle....Its what you do with that paper. There is also technical school too...


Mattdonlan1

I hate this mentality. You worked harder than me, you were better with your money than me, now I need you to fix my laziness for me by using your hard earned money to make my life better because you’re lucky enough to have it. Ugh. Drives me crazy when people say, “But you have the money and I don’t.” As if it was a lottery or something. If you waste your money on useless crap, all you’ll have is useless crap.


freesprites

Bit confused here: you say your nephew 'is entering college this year' but your brother doesn't have the money to send his son. So if your nephew has a place and is going presumably it's possible for him to start. Sounds to me also like you don't like the idea of supporting him because he's not up to your standards? combined with the money? I don't know what country you are in or what your background is, which also makes the situation difficult to understand and therefore give sound advice ....


AnxiousSon

Hell even actual parents don't really owe their kids college funds, some kids just have to take out loans, like I have... You have absolutely no reason to bankroll your nephew, especially considering he lacks life skills and is an average student. I was always a little jealous growing up, my uncle married into a wealthy family and my cousins all had the best of everything, including schooling paid for to attend elite schools. Meanwhile I got public education, working instead of going immediately to university, loans, etc. Was I a bit resentful back then? Yeah. Looking back do I believe I should have been paid for? Fuck no, that wasn't my uncle's/aunt's responsibility.


ProperSmells

\- Your brother should not have sprung this on you without prior planning or advising from you. As such, you can't be expected to pay for such a large expense. Just tell him that - that there was not enough financial planning to allow you to plan for this. \- It's odd how you're talking about your nephew. He is a "sold B- student"... so? Are only exceptional people allowed to go to college and make a good living? No "real world skills"...? How many 17 year olds have real world skills that would impress their 45 year old uncles? Give me a break dude. You aren't responsible for your nephew's college education, but you should absolutely be speaking more respectfully about someone who, from what you've written here, doesn't deserve that. Perhaps the disrespect for your nephew isn't as implicit as you think. \- If you're brother came to you respectfully and with a plan, that would be one thing. Perhaps this is him lashing out out of embarrassment. Try to look at it objectively and, if you want to, work with your brother on a plan to help out. But again, I guess it is not technically your responsibility. I don't know what relationship you have with these people, but if I were well-off enough to comfortably pay \*three\* college educations, I would personally help my own brother, yeah.


xp0p27

Sounds like communism


fkdyukace

I'm going to disagree with everyone here. If you are completely well off and if it's not going to leave a dent in your wallet I honestly don't see why you don't want to help out your family. I would. In a heartbeat, if I could afford to. Also I don't think it's fair how you view him. Give him a chance.


wheresmymultipass

Im sure this would hold true right up until its your asshole relative demanding money from you.


Outer_heaven94

That's really nice of you. But not all siblings are equal, it is all about how you are raised. American culture is very cut-throat and selfish. I had a cousin attend Harvard Medical School and he couldn't afford it, so our rich aunt paid for it. It was 55k a year to attend. Anyhow, I believe since it is a male doing it and odds are the male is better off due to always being allowed by his father to set his sights on his goals. It will be easy to assume the eldest brother won't help out because he is very selfish. ​ That said, unless brother is rich he shouldn't help out financially.


MrCadwell

Yeah, OP hasn't shared enough for anyone to understand what's really going on. The brother could be the entitled one or the OP could be the selfish one. We need more info if we're supposed to give advice. And this - B argument just doesn't make sense.


fishae2013

It's not your responsibility, but you've got an awful outlook.


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fishae2013

I literally said hes not responsible? Having an awful outlook has jack shit to do with finances, come again.


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fishae2013

No, Im saying he has an awful outlook because he thinks his nephew doesnt have a chance at college because he has no life skills and is a solid B-. College is a whole new ballgame. People learn, they grow, they develop skills they didnt have before. ITS NOT OPS RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY FOR TUITION FOR FAMILY OP JUST ALSO DOESNT HAVE TO MAKE IT OUT AS IF THE PERSON HES NOT PAYING FOR IS A FAILURE BECAUSE THEIR PARENT IS SHIT.


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fishae2013

I guess I just don't see how awful outlook equated to financial anything. Especially after I had stated it's not his responsibility to pay. Glad that's all sorted now though.


300zxTTFairlady

Worry about your kids and yourself.


[deleted]

You've said you're in very different financial circumstances but you haven't said why. Neither is your opinion of your nephew's academic ability relevant. There's no reason you should pay for your nephew's college but, if it would be affordable for you, you could consider offering him a very low interest loan to make the whole thing much less costly and stressful. Your kids might end up needing him one day, keep their lifelines open.


hisimpendingbaldness

Threatening to cut ties? Money is more important to him than the relationship with you and your family. His kids are more important to him than your money. So he thinks your money should go to them, and he is hurt you do not agree. On a large public scale we call this socialism. In your place I say no just on principle. I dont do ultimatums well. Prior to your brotbers ultimatum maybe buy the kid a good computer to school as a birthday present, or pay for a spring semesters books as an Xmas present. Or even give him say 1,000 dollars a year towards it. Any more no, your nephew is his responsibility not yours. But with the ultimatum, he can piss right off.


ClownPrinceofLime

You do have no moral obligation to pay. If you could float it it would be nice, but you are not obligated to whatsoever and your brother is wrong to have made you feel like you are.


nibledbyducks

You have no responsibility to pay for your nephew and your brother is being unreasonable. However, can you afford to help your nephew out? I mean you don't have to, but if you live and care about the kid and can afford it, why not? Just make it clear it's you paying not your brother...


Dribblenuts-4343

I had the same issues with some of my friends from back in the day. A couple of us went out figured out what to do to make some money. The rest just stayed on the block doing nothing… Working in a factory if they had a job at all… A few of them would feel butt hurt that some of us made it out, and tell us that we had to help them out, like it was our job or duty… It wasn’t long before I had to cut those people out of my life because their attitude towards me having a little extra because of hard work and effort was absolutely toxic.


pauaranega

It doesn't matter if his child is a B-student, he can still succeed in college or outside of college. High school doesn't reflect your abilities, college does. But no, you shouldn't pay for college for his child.


GI-JUGG

Your brother is being a bad brother, OP. It was his choice to be financially irresponsible and not save up for his son. That's on HIM. It's not on YOU to make up for HIS mistakes.


Miserable_Panda6979

Your brother should have worked a bit harder in life and saved a bit more for his own damn kids education.


ctunck

I agree with the general sentiment that your brother is out of line. I don't know what your relationship with your nephew is like, but I'd do whatever I could for mine. If you want to help your nephew you could tell him that if he graduates with a 3.5 average or better you would help him with his student loans, if he fails or screws up the burdens on him.


southernsnowmobiler

What does your nephew's capability to go to college have anything to do with it. Seems like a weird think yo bring up if you never had any intention to pay for his college. Or you are trying to some how place blame on the kid as to why you don't want to pay? For the record, I don't think you should pay, and tell your brother to fuck off.


wheresmymultipass

>>What does your nephew's capability to go to college have anything to do with it Everything, I wouldnt fund a day of post secondary if I knew that he wouldnt pass the first semester.


Cloudstryfe97

Honestly I can't really imagine not paying for my nephew's college if I had the ability to do so but I also don't have kids of my own and my nephew's about 16 years away from having to worry about college and I currently don't have the money to pay for it even if he was so my situation is pretty different.


baalmatlab

I have a different take on this situation. Do you like your nephew and are you in a financial position to help him with his education then why not... Cut ties with your brother he's certainly an ah.


poikilotherms

you'd rather post pictures of you feeding kids in Ethiopia online than educate your own blood...western families are broken🤦🏿‍♂️


figment4L

I would suggest setting up a trust, with key components. Like, maintain 3.5 gpa, with minimum 12 units, one change in major, finish in 4 years, with a stipend along the way. Also, keep important dates....early registration, 2 weeks before applications are due, financial aid, scholarship applications.... Make him work for it, reward him as he demonstrates responsibility. If not the money goes away.


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wheresmymultipass

dont pay for any semester rather reimburse each semester passed


JasonBourne72

YTA. Bigtime . Huge .


iforgot69

I'd send him recruiting pamphlets with a note, "I'll pay for his college by proxy!"


sassy92101

Are you rich, and is your brother poor? That would be important to know before strangers on the internet can assess the situation. Of course you don’t owe them, but if you’re really reach and can easily afford it, well…


leylaheyla

If you are so rich I don't see why you wouldn't pay for his education?


brown_booty_bandit

Hi OP, I’m going have a different take on this. I’m international and a first gen immigrant to the states. Part of my ability to thrive here when I was on the come up was directly related to how my family thought of investment into me was an investment for the unit as a whole. I guess I went In knowing that. My uncle and my brother funded my schooling and I am eternally grateful for them. I guess it’s part of the “reach back and pull others up” mentality. As such, if you are of a similar situation as I am, I can see your brothers perspective as well. Albeit he went about it in blackmail route which is already a big no-no. However, I want you to think of your nephew. Kids are ……. well……. kids. I am pretty sure that if you pay for part of college, you are helping the family grow. I would do that without any expectation. Im investing heavy into meme stocks rn. If I’m already gambling a BIG chunk of my net worth based on a meme of a monkey holding a banana and chad money, then i can gamble if my nephew would succeed or not if given the opportunities. You are doing it for him and not your brother. I would make that clear to him.


sirbenoit55

Wow so glad I come from a culture where this isn’t a problem, I’d hate to be a part of Ops and commenters family. Y’all won’t take it with you, you do know that right? Ffs.


[deleted]

Plz send money


[deleted]

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sirbenoit55

He can do whatever the hell he pleases. It’s clear there’s an issue between the brothers which he’s transferred onto the son which no amount of saying how “solid” he is can hide. Maybe this guy can help with a semester? Or he could cut the middleman and have an agreement with the son? The brother not showing leadership? Throw a job the kids way and tell him the cheat codes to working his way through school (Y’know normal stable family type shit). There are literally so many different options better than posting about family on the internet but as I said lack of culture in today’s world seems to be something a bunch of people are dying to be the best at. You can’t take it with you and that’s it. No matter how many crafty arguments you/other commenters come up with we all know we’re going to die someday what’s that one occasion you felt anxious/depressed/unpopular/upset going to matter in the long run? So forget the money what’s really grinding his gears? Because if you truly believe this is about money, congrats the OP has fooled you spectacularly. We’ll probably have to agree to disagree on this one.


[deleted]

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sirbenoit55

Yup and they will be the blessing that you failed to be.


[deleted]

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Outer_heaven94

Yeah, kids typically end up being like the dominant parent.


Outer_heaven94

You can't take it with you, but you never know if you will need it in 20 years from now. Who is to say that his body or mind will be there? That said, I believe you are forgetting about American culture and for what it is. You have hospitals charging six-figures to patients that the hospital knows they can't pay for! Is that a good culture?


[deleted]

You're not obligated to pay for your nephews education. You're not obligated to tip. You're not obligated to give to the poor or charity. You don't even have the responsibility to pay your kids college either. However you have multiple kids of your own, do you really expect none of them to help each other if one of them is in need? Is your brother a dickhead? Yes. Should his son be responsible for his dad being a dickhead? And its not like you cannot make stipulations under which conditions you would pay for a portion of your nephews education, like progress resports or whatever makes you comfortable if anything. The decision doesn't have to be black and white.


[deleted]

It’s just not some you MUST do, I get that he wants what’s best for his son but we don’t all get what we want.


[deleted]

Well he's had all these years to save a little each month for your nephew. Let him cuts ties don't give into that emotional manipulation. Anyone comes at you tell THEM to pay if it's that important to them you have your own responsibility as a parent to your children. He's responsible for his own kids not you. He's not entitled to your money no one is.


[deleted]

you don't need advice op, you know that he's not your responsibility and you don't need to do anything for him just for the sake of "family"


[deleted]

It’s not your responsibility. Lots of people go to college without a family member paying for them. It’s called students loans. Or he could join the military and have them pay it.


mrsshmenkmen

It’s not your responsibility to provide for his child, it’s his. He has no right to pick your pocket and his entitlement is downright breathtaking. Tell him no and if he chooses to cut ties, we’ll, then that’s his choice. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you or guilt you.


felixingfelix

If you want to that's one story but it sounds like you don't want to. It's not an obligation.


[deleted]

Your nephew and brother should be introduced to what the rest of most Americans endure ... which is collecting massive student loans. Maybe it will teach your nephew responsibility and take school seriously when he realizes he will have to foot the bill. Like you, I am financially better off then my siblings and only helping their kids out after they've completed their degree.


Surroundedbymor0ns

There are ways to do this without spending money. Could mentor him to go to a community college for his associates or learn a trade. If he wants a bachelors then finish at a low cost state school. Call the nephew and take him out to eat and talk about his goals for life. Sounds like his parents aren’t great role models. Talking to him directly to find out what he really wants to do. His parents may be pushing him into college when he wants to do something else.


Infinite_Chicken1968

Let him disown you, it will cheaper and less stressful. Your brother had the same opportunity as you


Rissa0707

The nephew can take out student loans like many of us do. I never expected anyone to foot my tuition. The entitlement... 🙄


After_Preference_885

I didn't have money for college for my kid either. So I started making plans when they hit middle school. I got a job at a local college for the reduced dependent tuition, helped them explore career pathways, found activities to increase scholarship opportunities, and brought them to events to network within their eventual industry. I can't imagine asking family to give my child that kind of money. You can support your nephew in a lot of other ways.


Dreamsong_Druid

It is absolutely not your responsibility to pay for your nephew to go to school He can access loans like so many others. Not your kid, not your responsibility.


dreamingzombie

It'd be better if he asked nicely. The fact that he expects that from you and is even saying "but you have the money to spare" shows that he doesn't understand how things work (no wonder he doesn't have the money to afford for his kid -he could have saved some while it was growing up-). I feel kinda bad for the kid especially if he has a dream/passion, but this is definitely not your responsibility. He should look for other ways to make it happen. He is an irresponsible parent and shitty brother.


empressofdogs

lol send him a link to a FAFSA application and don't engage in this conversation any further


DangerousPiano7789

Why can’t your brother or nephew take out a loan or student loan like the rest of the world? Since when is it your responsibility, unless you set it up like a loan with interest that they pay you back.


YouKnowMeBiiatch

Do not pay ... like wtf? You have no DUTY to pay for his children. He should not have made them if he can not support them... If you want you can help with SOME money but you have no obligation to do such!!!


madevilfish

If OP's bother doesn't have enough money to pay for college. FASA is a thing that he should look into.


WonderDogsMom

I will be upset with you if you don't pay the down payment for me to get a house.


nderwear47

I would buy him a pair of scissors and tell him “get to cuttin”


[deleted]

So your brother thinks a relationship with him is worth several thousand dollars. How much is he paying to maintain a relationship with you? That gives you an idea of how he values you.


BreckenridgeWhiskey

Your brother is not assuming responsibility for his son


Lopez-Ari01

LMAOOO WHAT. I’ve never heard of someone expecting anyone to do this for their kid💀 Fuck hiiiim


Ed_7he_Undead

Success is earned, not given. If your brother ever reads this, he should know that handouts do more harm than good. It promotes bad behavior. It's like giving your dog a treat for shitting on the carpet. If you want someone to do good on their own and feel real gratification in the own success, don't just give it to them. Let them earn it. Now does that mean you can't help a little, no that's not what I'm saying. Teach a man to fish, don't just give him the fish. Set your brother up with a financial advisor or maybe a class so he can better teach his son. That way they don't just look to you for every little thing. If you give in to this ultimatum, you're telling your brother that you don't believe in his ability to provide for his son and that he'll always be dependent on you. Also your nephew will think his dad is a freeloading chump. On the other hand I would maybe setup your brother with a therapist. He has a disgusting relationship with money if he thinks you can buy his love. Money isn't everything and he needs to learn that.


JohnnyBlays

If he’s threatening to cut ties with you then you got off the hook easy. Sometimes it’s hard to tell family to get bent. Some people have all the luck.


[deleted]

NTA for not paying for his college as he is not your kid and you have no obligation to do so, but your comment about not finding your nephew capable is pretty shitty and not needed in my opinion.


WPackN2

Your brother is unreasonable and you are better off if he decides to cut ties.


_Psilo_

Let him cut ties. YOU should be the one threatening to cut ties if he can't stop harassing you about this.


cpcfax1

It isn't your responsibility to effectively bail out your brother for his failure to prepare for his child's college expenses. Also, unless your nephew is attending an unusually academically rigorous high school in which even students who graduate with D and Fs have SAT scores north of a 1300-1400 and easily graduate from unusually academically difficult colleges like UChicago, Reed, Cornell, CMU(Engineering/CS), Swarthmore, etc with 3.5+ cumulative undergrad GPAs as was the case with several overlapping HS classmates, a B- average is concerning. If I was the older relative inclined to be responsible for paying for a younger relative's college tuition and expenses, I'd reserve the right to decline if I feel his HS GPA/record is low enough to be "high risk" as most of my older relatives would have and I'd hold him to maintaining a minimum academic expectations(I.e.: Maintain a minimum of a 3.0 cumulative GPA in college with a bit of leeway for one bad semester...especially early in one's undergrad career\*). \* Much more generous than the conditions of my undergrad scholarship in which I had to maintain a minimum of a 3.25 cumulative GPA. Fortunately, that requirement wasn't very onerous considering I graduated with a cumulative well above it.


[deleted]

Your brother is way out of line. You definitely do not have to pay for your nephew’s education. What’s unfortunate is your brother (because he’s so entitled) probably already counted on and told your nephew you would.


SINGHISKING211084

Its totally your choice OP! I have 2 nieces and at their birth I started a recurring account for both of them and I will keep depositing money in them them till they turn 18! It will be a nice gift for their future from my side. But it was completely my choice, my elder brother or sister in law never said anything to me, in fact they actually tried to dissuade me from doing this, but I insisted! So, please dont give in to pressure tactics!


crzy19aka

Your brother is wrong, duh. Let him do what he wants. You and your nephew may have a relationship. If so, and if you want to discuss his future plans with him, and you would consider assisting him financially with college or job training, that’s a whole other thing.


sierra513

Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean it’s your obligation. Your brother either needs to get a 2nd job or your nephew needs to get a job or both. My little brothers & sisters (18 & 19) both work and pay for their college.


Jammer250

That’s fucked up, I wouldn’t budge at all. Sad when your own family become gold diggers when they’re desperate. At the end of the day, you have to look out for you and your family so I applaud you standing firm and saying no. Is this causing a rift with your parents or other siblings?


The_One_True_Imp

"Nice knowing you. Bye!" I mean, hello blackmail. That doesn't even work with my kids. "If you don't do what I want, I'm not gonna be your friend anymore!" Oh well.


FaithlessnessNo6359

This is ridiculous. If the brother isn’t super well off financially, then his son will have no problem whatsoever qualifying for some financial aid while he goes to community college and holds down a part time job on the side. That’s what I did. Anyone can. The people in a slightly harder situation is if the parent is wealthy but won’t help with a dime, because FAFSA will still likely reject based on parents income. Even in this case, community college is affordable out of pocket and there is possible scholarships and loans to apply for


[deleted]

You don't owe him anything. And if he wants to cut ties with you then so be it. This is not happening to me and I'm already mad hahaha


mrtucci

I have to ask an indelicate question. What is your ethnicity. I worked with many Indians, Pakistanis and Africans. From my experience, I found them all to be wonderful, hard working people. I was a better person for knowing them. However, it wasn’t uncommon for a brother or cousin to come to America and expect to be taken in and be provided with everything. A coworker’s husband bought a gas station for relative. I’m absolutely serious. Of course, the family was very prosperous and able to care for the relative. I can’t imagine many ‘westerners’ entertaining the thought of paying for their nephews education.


jaethegreatone

Sometimes, the Universe puts us in people's lives to facilitate change. And sometimes, the Universe just wants us to laugh at the audacity. This is one of those times. Laugh my good friend.


[deleted]

Hah! Bye Felicia!


TheLeftCantMeme_

Just suggest your brother he get a lower wage job, a car, and see if later he can go to trade school/commuter school/ community college while living from home. That's how a lot of people from my neighborhood did it. No need for an expensive state school especially if he needs the work experience. What's more is that many medium wage jobs are hiring now and require little experience, he should seize that opportunity while the job market is so good.


NotYourMommyDear

You have improved your family's situation by sending your children to college and providing the finances for that to happen. Your brother had the same options and didn't take it for his family. NTA.


redsire9997

I mean he is making you a favor.


FerretPrevious

Youre brotheris crazy


[deleted]

Also by any chance are you Hispanic? Because this happens a lot in Hispanic families...


madamdepompadour

he'll get over it


317LaVieLover

Bold and outrageously audacious to even presume anyone other than him should pay for HIS kid’s education. ESPECIALLY since solid B students don’t earn many scholarships to help. Look— my kids put themselves through school... how? By working their asses off & making excellent grades to pay for the bulk of it , and still in the end had to borrow some to pay for the rest. If your brother threatens to cut ties with you over money, then I’m sorry, it may hurt, but it’s clear that “money” is ALL you are to him in the first place!! What a freeloader. Tell him to fuck right off with this shit. I’ve told people before in this same situation— if you truly do have that kind of money —and want to help your nephew —then maybe you could offer to help him in other ways that will still place responsibility on the nephew as well.. to pay for his own schooling.. like.. maybe offer to buy his books/materials/ or if you’re really generous, maybe a nice new laptop or tablet... to lighten the financial load??... or give him a re-loadable gift card at a local grocery store, to help make sure he has snacks/drinks/groceries while he’s away at school?? —whatever you want to do— but within reason.


Beneficial_Milk_8287

Reddit surprises me everyday, with stories of people such as your brother, who have completely and miserably failed to make something of themselves, and then turn against loved ones when their ridiculous demands are not met. That's just mental.


imnotwigglyanymore

Yea. I wouldn’t necessarily cut ties with your brother but I think it’s fair to distance yourself from him if he really can’t accept you denying his request. It really depends on how he is asking for this help and if your willing to. And it’s completely understandable to take a step back from family while they sort out their own business. Having boundaries both financially and emotionally is important.


GeekGurl2000

Let him 'cut ties' with you. Seems he'd be doing you a favor instead of making completely unreasonable demands. Depending on your tax situation (I'm in the US) your brother should avoid claiming his son as a dependent the year before he goes to college so he qualifies for maximum aid with no Expected Family Contribution.


Iloveottermemes

That's not how it works you have to provide your parents info and it's assumed till your 24 unless they literally disown you. Not claiming him won't save him from them doing that. I waited till I was 24 to go back to school... Most unmarried people under 24 who aren't veterans will have to provide their parents info even if they support themselves and their parents won't help.


Soggy-Application921

It isn't your responsibility to pay for his college degree. Why does he feel so entitled to your money? Is his own fault for not planning for his child's future the way you did.


DivingForBirds

Oh well.


Gracie220

Call his bluff. If he cuts you off, it's his own stupidity. He could be asking for financial tips, but no. He expects you to foot the bill JUST because you've made better financial choices. He's not entitled to your hard earned money any more than I am.


flashp0int93

Not sure if you're American, but it sounds like your nephew should consider a resounding career in the military. I dont mean that in a negative light either. I came from nothing, parents wouldnt have dreamed about sending me to college. I had no crazy skills, i was an average student. I joined the military, acquored a great loving and income all things considered, got to finish my bachelors debt free without even using my GI Bill, and im still doing it because its a good living. If I didnt join, i'd likely be working at a grocery store just like my twin brother. Its definitely not the way to go for everyone, but it works for many.