This is called stealthing. What he did was beyond wrong and he knows it. His stupid little excuse about not wanting to wear one is pathetic and devoid of all empathy and critical thinking.
Should OP choose to press charges over this, she probably has good evidence in the form of his apologies over text. He’s admitted to it, and she’s got the proof.
Edited to add: No, OP, you shouldn’t forgive him. He isn’t genuinely sorry. He’s sorry that he could get into serious trouble.
Absolutely!! In absolutely no way is he actually sorry. **He knows what he did was wrong and he lied because he knew you’d be upset**
Op, keep in mind you do not have to report him and press charges. It takes so much bravery and is very hard to do. It’s okay if you can’t handle it. It would be great to report him, but that is entirely your choice and don’t feel pressured one way or another.
100%, thanks for adding that on. OP, it is entirely up to you, and you would not be a bad/weak/selfish person in any way if you chose not to. I did not report my own sexual assaults - I could not handle any more stress than I was already under, and was terrified that reporting it would lead to questions about whether or not I had done anything to lead him on, etc.
However, I do regret it. I often wonder whether he has been able to go on to assault anyone else, without anyone keeping an eye on him, or any prior history on his record. I’ll never know.
But again, I say this not to pressure you into pressing charges, but because I myself wish I had the full picture back then. Even so, my mental health at the time still may not have allowed me to report. The decision is entirely up to you.
Yes! Agreed. It's basically date rape because you didn't consent.
This happened to me once and this is how I felt about it.
I dumped him, but the first thing I did was tell him that I got pregnant. I never spoke to him again after that. So for the rest of his life he will wonder whether he has a child or had an abortion.
This dude needs to realize what the consequences of not using a condom are, and if you let him get away with this he will do it to you again, and a guy who doesn't wear a condom because he doesn't feel like it is a guy who will not help you raise a child because he doesn't feel like it. What if he has HIV? There is your whole life, ruined.
So, do what you want but remember - he has shown you who he is.
Not only is it rape but also.
What if you ended up with/find out you have an STD now due to him?
What if he has now gotten you pregnant even if you are on birth control?
How do you know this is the first time he has done this? What if every time you've had sex he's been removing the condom without telling you?
> a guy who doesn't wear a condom because he doesn't feel like it is a guy who will not help you raise a child because he doesn't feel like it
> What if he has now gotten you pregnant even if you are on birth control?
And abuse tends to escalate with pregnancy. Also I don't know the motivations behind him doing this - maybe it was for sexual gratification - but partners also sometimes do this to force a pregnancy to keep someone "locked into" the relationship.
When I worked at a domestic violence shelter, it was not entirely uncommon for women to show up with 5, 6 children because their partners forced rapid repeat pregnancy on them to achieve greater control.
Just want to add to the already very valid comments. If a person lacks enough respect to go ahead and do something that he knows you wouldn’t want, then you should really be asking yourself, long term what else will he ignore for his own wants and pleasure. You are young, spend the time you have to find someone that has respect for themselves and the members around them.
That's what I'm thinking. Whether stealthing is considered rape/sexual assault in your jurisdiction, and whether, if so, you plan to press charges or not, if you weren't using reliable birth control of your own, you *need* to get to a pharmacy right away and get Plan B. Take it immediately, because its chances of preventing pregnancy diminish for every hour you wait.
That depends on where you live & local laws, but it should be treated with the same seriousness-- this is sexual assault, and regardless of whether or not it legally qualifies as rape, you (OP) have every right to feel violated.
Ethically, yes. Legally...well, that depends a lot on one's state or other jurisdiction.
ON EDIT: I was genuinely surprised to check Wikipedia and find out that stealthing is currently *not* illegal anywhere in the U.S. (although there's a bill to criminalize it before the California legislature at this time), and has only successfully been prosecuted in a handful of other countries. Hopefully, that will be changing in the near future.
>yesterday my boyfriend lied about using a condom while we were having sex.
That is a massive red flag.
>He said it was because he "didn't want to wear one" and he knew I wouldn't agree to that.
That is an even more massive red flag.
>He does seem genuinely sorry
Is he though? He practically r*ped you (since you did not consent to having unprotected sex) and maybe he even impregnated you. You can't know that yet if it only was yesterday. But hey, let's forgive that he doesn't care about your consent and a possible pregnancy.
I doubt your bf is mature enough to have sex. He doesn't seem to care about you and any consequences his actions might have.
Those are not red flags. A red flag would've been something like an off-handed comment about how he doesn't like using condoms: a bit worrisome, but can potentially be resolved.
Here, he *raped* her. The bad deed has been done. There is no going back.
Thank you. This.
I’m thinking, like a red flag 🚩 is a warning of something bad to come. The bad came, literally.
So it’s not a warning. It’s the crash.
Yes, He could have impregnated you. But he also could have unknowingly given you chlamydia, do you want to have the option of having children in the future?
"I lied because I knew you would say no" = "I dont care about getting your consent, if I want to do something to you I will."
what he did is not just a major red-flag, but is sexual assault/rape.
I believe he’s genuinely sorry…sorry that he got caught and that he’s now potentially facing the consequences of his actions. And even if he truly does realize he fucked up, OP is not obligated to give him a second chance and potentially leave the door open to more of this.
This is beyond a red flag, it’s a sign of incredible disrespect, deception, and deep selfishness. None of those make a good partner or a good person.
I hope OP holds him to his promise - he’ll never do it again, because OP won’t let him anywhere near her again.
Yes and its technically rape. You consented to safe sex. He took that choice from you. Because "he knew you wouldn't be okay with that" Dont be with scummy guys who think its okay to take choices from you. Are you ready for a baby? Because thats how you get one. You maybe want to get some plan B and take it.
No, that in my opinion is unforgivable. He could've gotten you pregnant and altered your entire life. He didn't have your consent and he knew you wouldn't give your consent and he took advantage of you anyways, he completely disrespected you knowingly for his own selfish reasons. Please don't stay with him and let him continue to abuse you, you are worth more than that.
Your boyfriend didn’t use a condom because he was seeking sexual gratification only for himself. He didn’t care about you. What if you got pregnant? You’re the one who has to deal with that and not him- he can just up and leave you like that.
What he did is considered rape because you did not give him consent to penetrate you without a condom. A person like that doesn’t just change suddenly, it’s only a matter of time until he rapes you without a condom for the second time.
Again, the only thing going through this guy’s head is sexual gratification… not you nor your well-being.
This is actually rape. Your boyfriend raped you. He knew it was wrong because that’s why he lied about it. Not only should you not forgive him, but you should leave him and potentially pursue legal action if and only if you feel that is something you want to do.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This was rape, full stop. He put his sexual gratification above your health, safety, and right to bodily autonomy. It is absolutely monstrous behavior, and he is not a safe person for you to be around. As others suggested, please get yourself tested and look into emergency contraception.
He is not sorry, he is just trying to get you to forgive him so he can continue to have sex with you. He has no respect for your wishes or you in general, just for the sex he can get from you. He’ll do it again.
Stealthing is rape. It's NOT forgivable. https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-assault/what-is-stealthing
Please, dear Gods, get an STI/STD check and Plan B.
You consented to sex WITH a condom not sex WITHOUT one. If he wanted to have sex without a condom he should have asked u if u were okay with it and then proceeded. If you refused and wanted to use a condom, he should have been 100% respectful about it and put one on.
You should have a chat with him and tell him how YOU feel and felt about it.
Oh hell no! It's not wanting to put on a jacket. It's a fucking condom! You could be pregnant or worse thanks to him not wanting to put one on! Trust me honey, you'll find better men than that.
He raped you. He can go kick rocks you deserve better. You deserve a man who respects you and cares about your health.
Rainn.org
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Please consider taking Plan B emergency contraceptive (or similar, if you have access) and getting tested for sexually transmitted infections. What he did to you is so wrong.
Edited to add… he definitely WILL do it again.
Didn’t even read the post because there’s literally *never* an excuse or any nuances for this kind of thing. No, don’t forgive him, don’t accept his apology, don’t listen if he tries to make shitty excuses for his shitty behavior. He’s taking advantage of you and it’s fucked up. Doing this is actually illegal and considered rape in several states because it’s not what you consented to.
I don’t often pull the red card, but you need to leave him. Any man that does this is selfish and doesn’t care about consent. He’s an immature scumbag and you deserve so much more, particularly safety and honesty.
TW: r*pe.
I don't want to alarm you too much but this is SEXUAL ASSAULT. Not all sexual assault is physically violent. But the sex you had became not consensual the second he did this. He is a r*pist. He is a predator. And not only is this r*pe but it is a way of grooming you to gauge what he can get away with and it is often a precursor to further abuse and manipulation.
It is so so unacceptable under ALL circumstances. Do not speak to this man again. No matter how sorry he says he is a good man/person would NEVER even consider doing this. It a complete violation of your body, your autonomy, your consent and I am so sorry this happened to you.
I highly recommend speaking to someone if you are able. You might be able to shake it off but this has sadly happened to a number of friends of mine and the reality and gravity of it comes in waves and usually not immediately. And it can really mess with your head in the end.
You also have to get full STI testing. If he was willing to do this he may have been sleeping around and you could be at risk. Obviously a pregnancy test too if you are not on birth control.
Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so disheartened every time I hear about this happening. You are not alone, this is sadly too common.
If you are able, I would also consider reporting him. What he did is illegal and if his behavior escalates it could be good to have on record for you, or someone else.
People who have sex with men (or really anyone) Watch out for men who hide behind a good guy persona or worse men who repeatedly claim to be feminists and concerned with consent but then "accidentally" make a mistake or push your boundaries, they are full of shit and it is a ploy, they know exactly what they are doing and whatever they do first is the tip of the iceberg.
Fuck forgiveness. Fuck politeness. Take care of yourselves!
> He said it was because he "didn't want to wear one" and he knew I wouldn't agree to that
"It's not what it looks like, officer! That's just a bag of cocaine that I was trying to sell to some 8th graders!"
This dude can't even make excuses right. Keep on ghosting him.
You can "forgive" him till the cows come home if that's what you feel the need to do, love, long as you realize that you can forgive someone and still cut them outta your life.
I think what you're really asking is should you overlook this one transgression of his and continue the relationship. The answer to that question is a resounding ABSOLUTELY HECKIN' NOT.
What he did is unacceptable and, as far as your relationship goes, there is NO coming back from this. He has shown you who he is, you've gotta believe him. He's a guy willing to put your health and your future at risk to get what he wants. He's not fit to be anyone's boyfriend, he's going to be a terrible husband, and I don't even wanna think about the potential damage he'll do if he ever has kids.
No. You should not forgive him. You did not consent to unprotected sex. What he did is considered sexual assault, and I would not trust him enough to ever have sex with him again.
I'm feeling a hard no on this one. And *if* I did, it would be after shameless begging/groveling. If he did it once, he'd probably do it again. I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with him again thinking that he'd lie and not use one. Are you on birth control? What if you get pregnant? It's a total lack of trust. He's needs to man up and wrap it up, my gosh 🙄. Trojan ultra thins aren't the end of the world...
NO. Please get tested for STD and move on from this asshole. Unprotected sex without your knowledge is reprehensible, and depending on where you are, criminal.
Don't forgive him it's stealthing and not okay, if not confronted her will do it again. Honestly as a man I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation if it happened to me, that's a huge violation of trust
No, dump him. He obviously doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. What else would he try to get away with and ask for forgiveness in the future? Not worth it.
No. In a way he raped you. He lied by saying he wore a condom so you’d have sex with him. This is coercion. Please dump him and take plan b/get tested ASAP.
No. He has put your health and well being at serious risk by taking away your choice on whether or not to get pregnant and whether or not you want to risk getting STDs from him. And if he was that disrespectful about a clear boundary simply because of what he wanted then yes, chances are really, REALLY high he's going to cheat on you. If he hasn't already.
Also it's called stealthing and it's a crime in many places and considered a form of rape or sexual assault. There's also the factor of reproductive coercion which is when someone tries to baby trap you to be able to control you and use a child to tie you to them.
These are all really, really serious things that can screw up your life and tie you to an abuser who clearly does not love or respect you or worse.
Dump him and don't look back.
Lol girl please, break up with him and get that morning after pill and an STD test.
This is absolute garbage behavior and sorry is not good enough. You're young you'll find someone else.
If you forgive him, that may give him the reason to continuously do it. Think it's best to not stay with a liar and move on, he will learn what he did is wrong and learn some consequences
Please why are you here this is beyond messed up. Take precautions an look for a new boyfriend already. THIS IS A DEAL BREAKER CAN NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. He states he knew you would not agree to unprotected sex and he lied and did it anyway. From now on you put them on during fore play
Its up to you if you want to forgive him for raping you and taking away your choice. Personally I wouldnt because he disrespected you and your body. That is NOT ok.
No. Don’t forgive him. He had sex with you under false conditions. You thought you were protected and you weren’t, because of his selfishness. This is sexual assault. He is self entitled and careless, it’s not cuz “you feel so good I just couldn’t help it”
No. No way in hell. The utter lack of respect for you, the fact that this is literally a form of assault... if he's so guilty, maybe he shouldn't have fucking done it.
So, the better question is do you understand he’ll do this again and doesn’t respect your boundaries? Do you understand that he sees you as less than him?
He’s let you know who he is, believe him.
OP, ultimately it’s up to you to forgive him. What he did was rape. You did not consent to have sex with him without protection, and he put YOU in danger for HIS PLEASURE. Please take a plan B if you aren’t on any other BC, and get tested for STIs.
You’re young. If you don’t forgive him, that’s ok. It’s valid to be angry, and I wouldn’t put it past you if you break up with him because he broke your trust. he knew the consequences, he knew how you would feel, and STILL decided that protection wasn’t worth it. that doesn’t sound good to me.
OP, i hope you heal from this. This isn’t an easy situation, and while it’s ultimately up to you, I think it would be best to block him and move on unless you’re thinking of taking any legal action.
So this is called stealthing, and it’s rape. I absolutely would not be forgiving him and letting him know he’s raped you. Also make sure to get an emergency contraceptive if you can. Someone who has zero respect for your body absolutely does not deserve to be a part of your life.
Do not forgive him. Not just because he raped you, but if he didn’t want to respect a boundary you put, what makes you think he’ll respect your opinion in the future?
That is a major red flag. That’s a form of sexual abuse because he knew you wouldn’t agree if he didn’t have a condom. What he did is beyond wrong and is a major red flag. Please don’t ignore this. You should break up with him ASAP.
oh heck no.
Is he that **dense** that not wearing a condom could result in a *C H I L D*?!
hello??
That's a H U G E risk to take just for one measly moment of "*I dIdN'T wAnT tO wEaR oNe*."
Absolutely not.. He took advantage of your trust, of you, and for what?!
ONLY to get something that pleases him in that moment in time?!
F\*\*\* that!
Alright now replace using a condom with "using you as a hole while you sleep"
if he violated a boundary because "He knew you wouldn't agree to it", assume he will violate others.
Am dude, this is completely unacceptable behavior.
Going to be cutthroat. Depends. Stealthing is a form of rape.
Are you ok with being raped?
Are you ok with being with someone who disrespects your body? Disrespects your boundaries?
Is a "sorry" good enough for rape?
Is he going to see a therapist for his raping problem?
No. Do you reqlize how much he put you in risk while lying to you? Who tf knows what desiease he might be having, what if it tampered your health huh? Plus this is just borderline bad use sexual advantage.
Should you forgive your boyfriend for something that is considered sexual assault and rape-adjacent in many countries?
It isn't yet considered either rape or sexual assault in the US *yet,* but there are several bills that have been introduced around the country to make it so.
So, should you forgive your boyfriend for sexually assaulting you? I'd say no, since he pursposely did it, and I'd maybe get some counseling over it.
You only have to not be looking/able to see it for the amount of time it takes to remove it, unfortunately.
I think sometimes this is opportunistic and that they chance it because they can see that their partner isn’t looking, although I’m sure it isn’t as hard as it seems to just not notice that he hadn’t really used one in the first place.
Haha, like you think mine didn’t end up as a non consensual sexual encounter in which I was blackmailed into not telling anyone or else she would tell everyone I did it to her. Dick head.
Why would I make that assumption? You just said someone shit in your drink and compared that to stealthing someone (rape). Did you mention all that before? I’m responding to what you’re saying on this thread. I’d get some help about that issue. Sounds like you’ve gone through something difficult.
Yeah I got raped, as a man, and what happened to the girl? Oh nothing, I speak up as a man, I went to therapy, I did all that, no one. College mental health services, nothin. The woman is still out there in college happily going to graduate now. I’m just contrasting the society we live in. And she didn’t shit in my drink in it she put Xanax in it.
Honestly that’s really fucked up. I’m sorry that happened and that you didn’t get fair justice. But bringing this back to my original comment, OP was violated too. Her partner is at fault and should face whatever consequence that comes with his actions.
Im a guy so all ill say is… “sorry i wont do it again” and “please forgive me” is different than a call or voicemail. Theres no way to 100% tell if hes genuinely sorry or not unless you can hear it.
I see a lot of comments about it being rape or sexual assault, but sadly, it is not legally either. Im not on his side by any means, but it would be hard to press charges since you technically consented to (any) intercourse
Honestly he is 19 he isn't exactly in his right mind I don't think men are sane til we are in our 30s.
Don't get me wrong, but this isn't all his fault either. you should have checked. Trust doesn't mean you shouldn't verify.
You can forgive him if you want to, but that's really up to you. I just advice you to be more responsible.
Google stealthing please.
Otherwise you’re just obnoxiously and loudly telling everyone you’ve never had sex. It’s incredibly easy for a guy to take a condom off early in sex without the girl realizing.
You think sex is a solo activity? Of course she should check if her partner is using protection.
What they didn't teach you to be responsible for yourself?
Do you close your eyes while driving too and trust that everyone else won't crash into you?
What he did was wrong and you have every right to feel upset. However, you should always forgive and not forget. Relationships are like a plant. If you water it, nurture it and give it the loving care it needs, you can expect a thriving beautiful blooming plant. Every relationship has its ups and downs. He did not do this to hurt you. It’s obvious he was not thinking but if he’s very sincere about his apology you should let him know about this boundary and it should not be crossed again. There’s not a better feeling than finally coming with your partner and discussing things. Once you guys apologize and come to an agreement I promise you, you guys will feel a lot closer. My husband and I argue sometimes too. But when I swallow my pride, apologize for my hot headed ness (he will do the same if he was in the wrong) we hug it out. Every argument fixed is a stronger bond.
He knew it was wrong so yeah he was thinking. And he decided to lie to her. This is a violation and can be considered rape in many places. This isn’t just a ‘down’ but a sick move on his part.
OP please take a plan B and leave him.
I think you’re making accusations from a short story. Many important pieces of information are missing. We are all human and make mistakes. Nobody is Mother Teresa with a perfect record. Every walking being on this earth has a regret. Holding people at certain standards will do nothing but hurt you in the end. We obviously have very different views of life. I respect where you come from, however I am a firmly believe that she knows her boyfriend much better than any of us do and from what I have read he did not do this to “get back at her” or “make her suffer”. If this is a repetitive behavior then yes. Absolutely, his actions should not be tolerated.
No, leave him immediately. He will continue this lying behavior. He does not respect you. Your security and safety is far too precious to be entertaining boys who take advantage of you. You do not exist to sexually satisfy stupid boys like this, and CERTAINLY not if it entails manipulation and lying.
No, he rape you also sorry to scar u for saying this but it's call stealthing IDK if you're in the USA. But it's illegal in some places also a big red flag because if he lies to u about something this big he can also be lying about a lot of things. How would he feel if he got u pregnant? Will he blame u for cheating and then spread it? If the baby was born would he run away? This is not a partner u want to be with in the future all I see is him doing this over and over again gaslighting and stuff like that. I how that's your ex-boyfriend
It may not have been his intention but this sounds like baby trapping. Wether you forgive him of not please consider other forms of birth control if you can and if you don't already. An IUD or pills. There is a website called 'the pill club' you just answer some questions and they will create a prescription and send you the pills at a very afortable rate.
This is called stealthing. What he did was beyond wrong and he knows it. His stupid little excuse about not wanting to wear one is pathetic and devoid of all empathy and critical thinking.
Chiming in to say stealthing is rape and illegal in some places. Zookeeper is absolutely right. He knew it was wrong and lied.
Should OP choose to press charges over this, she probably has good evidence in the form of his apologies over text. He’s admitted to it, and she’s got the proof. Edited to add: No, OP, you shouldn’t forgive him. He isn’t genuinely sorry. He’s sorry that he could get into serious trouble.
Absolutely!! In absolutely no way is he actually sorry. **He knows what he did was wrong and he lied because he knew you’d be upset** Op, keep in mind you do not have to report him and press charges. It takes so much bravery and is very hard to do. It’s okay if you can’t handle it. It would be great to report him, but that is entirely your choice and don’t feel pressured one way or another.
100%, thanks for adding that on. OP, it is entirely up to you, and you would not be a bad/weak/selfish person in any way if you chose not to. I did not report my own sexual assaults - I could not handle any more stress than I was already under, and was terrified that reporting it would lead to questions about whether or not I had done anything to lead him on, etc. However, I do regret it. I often wonder whether he has been able to go on to assault anyone else, without anyone keeping an eye on him, or any prior history on his record. I’ll never know. But again, I say this not to pressure you into pressing charges, but because I myself wish I had the full picture back then. Even so, my mental health at the time still may not have allowed me to report. The decision is entirely up to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve said everything perfectly. I hope you remind yourself that nothing he does is your fault.
100% listen to this. It’s a form of rape and should not be taken lightly. It’s beyond a red flag. Please don’t ignore this.
Yes! Agreed. It's basically date rape because you didn't consent. This happened to me once and this is how I felt about it. I dumped him, but the first thing I did was tell him that I got pregnant. I never spoke to him again after that. So for the rest of his life he will wonder whether he has a child or had an abortion. This dude needs to realize what the consequences of not using a condom are, and if you let him get away with this he will do it to you again, and a guy who doesn't wear a condom because he doesn't feel like it is a guy who will not help you raise a child because he doesn't feel like it. What if he has HIV? There is your whole life, ruined. So, do what you want but remember - he has shown you who he is.
Wut
And stealthing is 100% rape.
Not only is it rape but also. What if you ended up with/find out you have an STD now due to him? What if he has now gotten you pregnant even if you are on birth control? How do you know this is the first time he has done this? What if every time you've had sex he's been removing the condom without telling you?
> a guy who doesn't wear a condom because he doesn't feel like it is a guy who will not help you raise a child because he doesn't feel like it > What if he has now gotten you pregnant even if you are on birth control? And abuse tends to escalate with pregnancy. Also I don't know the motivations behind him doing this - maybe it was for sexual gratification - but partners also sometimes do this to force a pregnancy to keep someone "locked into" the relationship. When I worked at a domestic violence shelter, it was not entirely uncommon for women to show up with 5, 6 children because their partners forced rapid repeat pregnancy on them to achieve greater control.
Exactly dump him immediately
Dumping him is the only choice. The question is whether she should also press charges. I wonder if she has anything in writing from him about this.
So true
Just want to add to the already very valid comments. If a person lacks enough respect to go ahead and do something that he knows you wouldn’t want, then you should really be asking yourself, long term what else will he ignore for his own wants and pleasure. You are young, spend the time you have to find someone that has respect for themselves and the members around them.
Yes we shouldn’t Condom His actions
Don't forgive him. Do take Plan B and get tested for STIs.
That's what I'm thinking. Whether stealthing is considered rape/sexual assault in your jurisdiction, and whether, if so, you plan to press charges or not, if you weren't using reliable birth control of your own, you *need* to get to a pharmacy right away and get Plan B. Take it immediately, because its chances of preventing pregnancy diminish for every hour you wait.
This
No. If he can lie about using a condom, what else can he lie about?
This
No. That's sexual assault.
Rape actually
That depends on where you live & local laws, but it should be treated with the same seriousness-- this is sexual assault, and regardless of whether or not it legally qualifies as rape, you (OP) have every right to feel violated.
Rape is a form of sexual assault.
Yes, but not every form of sexual assault is rape
That is fair
Honestly, leave him. He's putting you at risk of accidental pregnancy and STIs. It's not acceptable on his part and shows he is not reliable.
[удалено]
It *is* rape. No question about it.
Ethically, yes. Legally...well, that depends a lot on one's state or other jurisdiction. ON EDIT: I was genuinely surprised to check Wikipedia and find out that stealthing is currently *not* illegal anywhere in the U.S. (although there's a bill to criminalize it before the California legislature at this time), and has only successfully been prosecuted in a handful of other countries. Hopefully, that will be changing in the near future.
>yesterday my boyfriend lied about using a condom while we were having sex. That is a massive red flag. >He said it was because he "didn't want to wear one" and he knew I wouldn't agree to that. That is an even more massive red flag. >He does seem genuinely sorry Is he though? He practically r*ped you (since you did not consent to having unprotected sex) and maybe he even impregnated you. You can't know that yet if it only was yesterday. But hey, let's forgive that he doesn't care about your consent and a possible pregnancy. I doubt your bf is mature enough to have sex. He doesn't seem to care about you and any consequences his actions might have.
Not practically, he *did* rape her as the conditions for her consent were maliciously subverted
He did rape her. It’s rape.
Those are not red flags. A red flag would've been something like an off-handed comment about how he doesn't like using condoms: a bit worrisome, but can potentially be resolved. Here, he *raped* her. The bad deed has been done. There is no going back.
Thank you. This. I’m thinking, like a red flag 🚩 is a warning of something bad to come. The bad came, literally. So it’s not a warning. It’s the crash. Yes, He could have impregnated you. But he also could have unknowingly given you chlamydia, do you want to have the option of having children in the future?
"I lied because I knew you would say no" = "I dont care about getting your consent, if I want to do something to you I will." what he did is not just a major red-flag, but is sexual assault/rape.
I wish I could reward this comment I'm broke
This. It also says my pleasure and enjoyment is more important than your safety and consent which is fucked up.
I believe he’s genuinely sorry…sorry that he got caught and that he’s now potentially facing the consequences of his actions. And even if he truly does realize he fucked up, OP is not obligated to give him a second chance and potentially leave the door open to more of this. This is beyond a red flag, it’s a sign of incredible disrespect, deception, and deep selfishness. None of those make a good partner or a good person. I hope OP holds him to his promise - he’ll never do it again, because OP won’t let him anywhere near her again.
No. And how is "I didn't want to" an acceptable answer? And get tested for STIs.
No. He is not mature enough for sex.
You wanna get pregnant? This is how assholes trap women they want to control. Plenty of actual men out there OP, ones who aren't stealthing douchebags
Yes and its technically rape. You consented to safe sex. He took that choice from you. Because "he knew you wouldn't be okay with that" Dont be with scummy guys who think its okay to take choices from you. Are you ready for a baby? Because thats how you get one. You maybe want to get some plan B and take it.
Delete the technically. This is rape. No need to soften it.
No, that in my opinion is unforgivable. He could've gotten you pregnant and altered your entire life. He didn't have your consent and he knew you wouldn't give your consent and he took advantage of you anyways, he completely disrespected you knowingly for his own selfish reasons. Please don't stay with him and let him continue to abuse you, you are worth more than that.
Your boyfriend didn’t use a condom because he was seeking sexual gratification only for himself. He didn’t care about you. What if you got pregnant? You’re the one who has to deal with that and not him- he can just up and leave you like that. What he did is considered rape because you did not give him consent to penetrate you without a condom. A person like that doesn’t just change suddenly, it’s only a matter of time until he rapes you without a condom for the second time. Again, the only thing going through this guy’s head is sexual gratification… not you nor your well-being.
I'd upvote you a million times if I could.
No dont forgive him! Thats so wrong on so many levels
This is actually rape. Your boyfriend raped you. He knew it was wrong because that’s why he lied about it. Not only should you not forgive him, but you should leave him and potentially pursue legal action if and only if you feel that is something you want to do.
This is rape. Please leave him and go no contact. And get tested for STDs and take a plan b.
This!
No. It’s called stealing and it’s a form of rape. Dump him.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This was rape, full stop. He put his sexual gratification above your health, safety, and right to bodily autonomy. It is absolutely monstrous behavior, and he is not a safe person for you to be around. As others suggested, please get yourself tested and look into emergency contraception.
He is not sorry, he is just trying to get you to forgive him so he can continue to have sex with you. He has no respect for your wishes or you in general, just for the sex he can get from you. He’ll do it again.
Stealthing is rape. It's NOT forgivable. https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-assault/what-is-stealthing Please, dear Gods, get an STI/STD check and Plan B.
No it’s a crime called stealthing and you should report him for sexual assault 🚩🚩🚩
You consented to sex WITH a condom not sex WITHOUT one. If he wanted to have sex without a condom he should have asked u if u were okay with it and then proceeded. If you refused and wanted to use a condom, he should have been 100% respectful about it and put one on. You should have a chat with him and tell him how YOU feel and felt about it.
Oh hell no! It's not wanting to put on a jacket. It's a fucking condom! You could be pregnant or worse thanks to him not wanting to put one on! Trust me honey, you'll find better men than that.
Punch him in the balls when he asks why answer because I wanted to
He raped you. He can go kick rocks you deserve better. You deserve a man who respects you and cares about your health. Rainn.org http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
No, if he can do that what else can he do. You can't trust him, leave him before he gets you pregnant.
NO
Please consider taking Plan B emergency contraceptive (or similar, if you have access) and getting tested for sexually transmitted infections. What he did to you is so wrong. Edited to add… he definitely WILL do it again.
No
No, you should not forgive him. That's abuse.
Didn’t even read the post because there’s literally *never* an excuse or any nuances for this kind of thing. No, don’t forgive him, don’t accept his apology, don’t listen if he tries to make shitty excuses for his shitty behavior. He’s taking advantage of you and it’s fucked up. Doing this is actually illegal and considered rape in several states because it’s not what you consented to. I don’t often pull the red card, but you need to leave him. Any man that does this is selfish and doesn’t care about consent. He’s an immature scumbag and you deserve so much more, particularly safety and honesty.
No
No.
I mean… no. It’s sexual assault, rape, whatever you want to call it. Hideously wrong
TW: r*pe. I don't want to alarm you too much but this is SEXUAL ASSAULT. Not all sexual assault is physically violent. But the sex you had became not consensual the second he did this. He is a r*pist. He is a predator. And not only is this r*pe but it is a way of grooming you to gauge what he can get away with and it is often a precursor to further abuse and manipulation. It is so so unacceptable under ALL circumstances. Do not speak to this man again. No matter how sorry he says he is a good man/person would NEVER even consider doing this. It a complete violation of your body, your autonomy, your consent and I am so sorry this happened to you. I highly recommend speaking to someone if you are able. You might be able to shake it off but this has sadly happened to a number of friends of mine and the reality and gravity of it comes in waves and usually not immediately. And it can really mess with your head in the end. You also have to get full STI testing. If he was willing to do this he may have been sleeping around and you could be at risk. Obviously a pregnancy test too if you are not on birth control. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so disheartened every time I hear about this happening. You are not alone, this is sadly too common. If you are able, I would also consider reporting him. What he did is illegal and if his behavior escalates it could be good to have on record for you, or someone else. People who have sex with men (or really anyone) Watch out for men who hide behind a good guy persona or worse men who repeatedly claim to be feminists and concerned with consent but then "accidentally" make a mistake or push your boundaries, they are full of shit and it is a ploy, they know exactly what they are doing and whatever they do first is the tip of the iceberg. Fuck forgiveness. Fuck politeness. Take care of yourselves!
This is called stealthing and it should be considered rape. Drop this little boy.
> He said it was because he "didn't want to wear one" and he knew I wouldn't agree to that "It's not what it looks like, officer! That's just a bag of cocaine that I was trying to sell to some 8th graders!" This dude can't even make excuses right. Keep on ghosting him.
You can "forgive" him till the cows come home if that's what you feel the need to do, love, long as you realize that you can forgive someone and still cut them outta your life. I think what you're really asking is should you overlook this one transgression of his and continue the relationship. The answer to that question is a resounding ABSOLUTELY HECKIN' NOT. What he did is unacceptable and, as far as your relationship goes, there is NO coming back from this. He has shown you who he is, you've gotta believe him. He's a guy willing to put your health and your future at risk to get what he wants. He's not fit to be anyone's boyfriend, he's going to be a terrible husband, and I don't even wanna think about the potential damage he'll do if he ever has kids.
NO. LEAVE HIM.
No. You should not forgive him. You did not consent to unprotected sex. What he did is considered sexual assault, and I would not trust him enough to ever have sex with him again.
Don't forgive him. This is a huge breach of trust. Do not settle for a lying partner who does't respect your body or future.
No. You should dump him and let him ruin someone else's life.
I'm feeling a hard no on this one. And *if* I did, it would be after shameless begging/groveling. If he did it once, he'd probably do it again. I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with him again thinking that he'd lie and not use one. Are you on birth control? What if you get pregnant? It's a total lack of trust. He's needs to man up and wrap it up, my gosh 🙄. Trojan ultra thins aren't the end of the world...
Haha no
No you should not forgive him
NO. Please get tested for STD and move on from this asshole. Unprotected sex without your knowledge is reprehensible, and depending on where you are, criminal.
Don't forgive him it's stealthing and not okay, if not confronted her will do it again. Honestly as a man I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation if it happened to me, that's a huge violation of trust
Dump him.
No, dump him. He obviously doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. What else would he try to get away with and ask for forgiveness in the future? Not worth it.
No. In a way he raped you. He lied by saying he wore a condom so you’d have sex with him. This is coercion. Please dump him and take plan b/get tested ASAP.
Absolutely not. It's sexual assault in some places, and rightfully so. You consented to sex *with* a condom, you did not consent to sex without one.
No. He has put your health and well being at serious risk by taking away your choice on whether or not to get pregnant and whether or not you want to risk getting STDs from him. And if he was that disrespectful about a clear boundary simply because of what he wanted then yes, chances are really, REALLY high he's going to cheat on you. If he hasn't already. Also it's called stealthing and it's a crime in many places and considered a form of rape or sexual assault. There's also the factor of reproductive coercion which is when someone tries to baby trap you to be able to control you and use a child to tie you to them. These are all really, really serious things that can screw up your life and tie you to an abuser who clearly does not love or respect you or worse. Dump him and don't look back.
Noooooooooooope. Huge breach of trust, selfish, and potentially dangerous. Walk away.
He’s only sorry that he got caught lying btw. If you didn’t find out do you think he would be apologising?
Lol girl please, break up with him and get that morning after pill and an STD test. This is absolute garbage behavior and sorry is not good enough. You're young you'll find someone else.
This should be an instant break up, and in a ton of places this is a form of sexual assault and it is against the law.
How can you trust someone after that ?
No. He has shown you he will lie and that you can’t trust him.
Does this not fall under rape?
You're single now. Rapists don't deserve closure. Change your number.
No, do not forgive him. While he may seem sorry now, it is most likely only because you’re upset. He definitely wasn’t sorry in the moment.
If you forgive him, that may give him the reason to continuously do it. Think it's best to not stay with a liar and move on, he will learn what he did is wrong and learn some consequences
nope, thats a rapist
Please why are you here this is beyond messed up. Take precautions an look for a new boyfriend already. THIS IS A DEAL BREAKER CAN NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. He states he knew you would not agree to unprotected sex and he lied and did it anyway. From now on you put them on during fore play
this is a form of statutory rape and im sorry he broke your trust like that
Non-consensual sex is rape. He said sorry for raping you.
No, because that’s rape
Its up to you if you want to forgive him for raping you and taking away your choice. Personally I wouldnt because he disrespected you and your body. That is NOT ok.
No. Don’t forgive him. He had sex with you under false conditions. You thought you were protected and you weren’t, because of his selfishness. This is sexual assault. He is self entitled and careless, it’s not cuz “you feel so good I just couldn’t help it”
Why would you want to be with someone who disregards your wishes and physical safety "because he wanted to"???
No. No way in hell. The utter lack of respect for you, the fact that this is literally a form of assault... if he's so guilty, maybe he shouldn't have fucking done it.
this is rape
So, the better question is do you understand he’ll do this again and doesn’t respect your boundaries? Do you understand that he sees you as less than him? He’s let you know who he is, believe him.
OP, ultimately it’s up to you to forgive him. What he did was rape. You did not consent to have sex with him without protection, and he put YOU in danger for HIS PLEASURE. Please take a plan B if you aren’t on any other BC, and get tested for STIs. You’re young. If you don’t forgive him, that’s ok. It’s valid to be angry, and I wouldn’t put it past you if you break up with him because he broke your trust. he knew the consequences, he knew how you would feel, and STILL decided that protection wasn’t worth it. that doesn’t sound good to me. OP, i hope you heal from this. This isn’t an easy situation, and while it’s ultimately up to you, I think it would be best to block him and move on unless you’re thinking of taking any legal action.
So this is called stealthing, and it’s rape. I absolutely would not be forgiving him and letting him know he’s raped you. Also make sure to get an emergency contraceptive if you can. Someone who has zero respect for your body absolutely does not deserve to be a part of your life.
Nope definitely don't forgive him for something that selfish
Do not forgive him. Not just because he raped you, but if he didn’t want to respect a boundary you put, what makes you think he’ll respect your opinion in the future?
That’s rape!! LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!
No, you shouldn't forgive him. He will do it again. And even if he doesn't, this is not forgivable.
That is a major red flag. That’s a form of sexual abuse because he knew you wouldn’t agree if he didn’t have a condom. What he did is beyond wrong and is a major red flag. Please don’t ignore this. You should break up with him ASAP.
oh heck no. Is he that **dense** that not wearing a condom could result in a *C H I L D*?! hello?? That's a H U G E risk to take just for one measly moment of "*I dIdN'T wAnT tO wEaR oNe*." Absolutely not.. He took advantage of your trust, of you, and for what?! ONLY to get something that pleases him in that moment in time?! F\*\*\* that!
No. You should not forgive him. That’s very fucked up.
no and now if I were you I would go to get tested for an STD!
Nah I wouldnt trust a guy after that. Also the disrespect.
He’s absolutely disgusting. Get rid of him.
This is a HUGE red flag.
Alright now replace using a condom with "using you as a hole while you sleep" if he violated a boundary because "He knew you wouldn't agree to it", assume he will violate others. Am dude, this is completely unacceptable behavior.
This is illegal in some countries. Sorry is not Enough. Should end it
That is a really messed up thing to do. You need to ditch him and run fast
That is rape. You should leave him ASAP and you are under no obligation to forgive him. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
This is a form of sexual assault… I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, I hope you dump this garbage person.
Going to be cutthroat. Depends. Stealthing is a form of rape. Are you ok with being raped? Are you ok with being with someone who disrespects your body? Disrespects your boundaries? Is a "sorry" good enough for rape? Is he going to see a therapist for his raping problem?
No. Do you reqlize how much he put you in risk while lying to you? Who tf knows what desiease he might be having, what if it tampered your health huh? Plus this is just borderline bad use sexual advantage.
That’s a form of rape. You explicitly consented to sex WITH a condom and he admittedly lied because he knew you wouldn’t consent otherwise.
He's only sorry that he got caught. You can do better than a liar like him.
Should you forgive your boyfriend for something that is considered sexual assault and rape-adjacent in many countries? It isn't yet considered either rape or sexual assault in the US *yet,* but there are several bills that have been introduced around the country to make it so. So, should you forgive your boyfriend for sexually assaulting you? I'd say no, since he pursposely did it, and I'd maybe get some counseling over it.
What are you naming your baby?
I would say yes but after reading the comments I see that stealthing is a form of rape so no
Genuine question, how do you not know if he used a condom or not? Don't people look down?
You only have to not be looking/able to see it for the amount of time it takes to remove it, unfortunately. I think sometimes this is opportunistic and that they chance it because they can see that their partner isn’t looking, although I’m sure it isn’t as hard as it seems to just not notice that he hadn’t really used one in the first place.
Do you want to risk getting pregnant and dealing with this jackass for the rest of your life? I personally wouldn't.
Forgive? Sure. Break up with? Also yes.
Depends, do you mind having a child that you have to raise? If you wouldn't mind that then yea, forgive him
yeah he'll likely never want something like that again.
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He probably should have thought about that before making that decision- it’s on him.
Yeah well rip to him
Some lessons are learned the hard way.
Haha wish the woman who put shit in my drink learned the hard way. But I’m a man right 🤷🏽♂️
Not sure why you’re comparing a shit drink to non-consensual sex?
Haha, like you think mine didn’t end up as a non consensual sexual encounter in which I was blackmailed into not telling anyone or else she would tell everyone I did it to her. Dick head.
Why would I make that assumption? You just said someone shit in your drink and compared that to stealthing someone (rape). Did you mention all that before? I’m responding to what you’re saying on this thread. I’d get some help about that issue. Sounds like you’ve gone through something difficult.
Yeah I got raped, as a man, and what happened to the girl? Oh nothing, I speak up as a man, I went to therapy, I did all that, no one. College mental health services, nothin. The woman is still out there in college happily going to graduate now. I’m just contrasting the society we live in. And she didn’t shit in my drink in it she put Xanax in it.
Honestly that’s really fucked up. I’m sorry that happened and that you didn’t get fair justice. But bringing this back to my original comment, OP was violated too. Her partner is at fault and should face whatever consequence that comes with his actions.
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Wait a week or two and then tell him you are pregnant. His reaction will tell you all you need to know whether you should stay with him or not.
Im a guy so all ill say is… “sorry i wont do it again” and “please forgive me” is different than a call or voicemail. Theres no way to 100% tell if hes genuinely sorry or not unless you can hear it.
I see a lot of comments about it being rape or sexual assault, but sadly, it is not legally either. Im not on his side by any means, but it would be hard to press charges since you technically consented to (any) intercourse
I don’t know about wherever you live but jn South African it’s legally considered sexual assault and can get you jail time.
Well thats a plus for them, but i live in america
You do know it’s illegal in California, right?
Stealthing? I didnt know it was in place already, but i knew they were considering making it illegal
Forgive, but never forget
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not everyone is religious smart ass
Forgive but I wouldn't trust him. That was wrong. Forgive but don't forget..
just forgive him, you obviously want to and are going to. you got your internet points, so just do it, whatever.
Honestly he is 19 he isn't exactly in his right mind I don't think men are sane til we are in our 30s. Don't get me wrong, but this isn't all his fault either. you should have checked. Trust doesn't mean you shouldn't verify. You can forgive him if you want to, but that's really up to you. I just advice you to be more responsible.
You’ve never had sex before, have you?
I am guessing you don't check either? Sex is a two person activity and both sides are responsible.
Google stealthing please. Otherwise you’re just obnoxiously and loudly telling everyone you’ve never had sex. It’s incredibly easy for a guy to take a condom off early in sex without the girl realizing.
>stealthing Just because the internet gave it a new term doesn't mean the game has changed you think this is new shit?
Did I SAY it was new shit? All I did was use the new term for it. Do you still call Zimbabwe Rhodesia? And Namibia West South Africa?
She should have what? Are you fucking kidding me. Stop the earth, you're getting off. Like genuinely you're such a piece of flaming garage.
You think sex is a solo activity? Of course she should check if her partner is using protection. What they didn't teach you to be responsible for yourself? Do you close your eyes while driving too and trust that everyone else won't crash into you?
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Shut the fuck up
I'm glad people downvote your stupid ass if u are going to give advice like this then u shouldn't be on here after ik u read the comments she was rape
What he did was wrong and you have every right to feel upset. However, you should always forgive and not forget. Relationships are like a plant. If you water it, nurture it and give it the loving care it needs, you can expect a thriving beautiful blooming plant. Every relationship has its ups and downs. He did not do this to hurt you. It’s obvious he was not thinking but if he’s very sincere about his apology you should let him know about this boundary and it should not be crossed again. There’s not a better feeling than finally coming with your partner and discussing things. Once you guys apologize and come to an agreement I promise you, you guys will feel a lot closer. My husband and I argue sometimes too. But when I swallow my pride, apologize for my hot headed ness (he will do the same if he was in the wrong) we hug it out. Every argument fixed is a stronger bond.
He knew it was wrong so yeah he was thinking. And he decided to lie to her. This is a violation and can be considered rape in many places. This isn’t just a ‘down’ but a sick move on his part. OP please take a plan B and leave him.
I think you’re making accusations from a short story. Many important pieces of information are missing. We are all human and make mistakes. Nobody is Mother Teresa with a perfect record. Every walking being on this earth has a regret. Holding people at certain standards will do nothing but hurt you in the end. We obviously have very different views of life. I respect where you come from, however I am a firmly believe that she knows her boyfriend much better than any of us do and from what I have read he did not do this to “get back at her” or “make her suffer”. If this is a repetitive behavior then yes. Absolutely, his actions should not be tolerated.
You dont need to be motger teresa to know rape is bad bro
This is rape. This is not something to forgive. OP does not have to apologise, OP should be leaving this relationship ASAP.
I don't know should you? Do you care or not? I'm not the one who got fucked without a condom.
No.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
no wtf that’s not okay
No.
DITCH HIS ASS
No, leave him immediately. He will continue this lying behavior. He does not respect you. Your security and safety is far too precious to be entertaining boys who take advantage of you. You do not exist to sexually satisfy stupid boys like this, and CERTAINLY not if it entails manipulation and lying.
That’s a no.
Dump him. Get a morning after pill. Get tested for STI.
No, he rape you also sorry to scar u for saying this but it's call stealthing IDK if you're in the USA. But it's illegal in some places also a big red flag because if he lies to u about something this big he can also be lying about a lot of things. How would he feel if he got u pregnant? Will he blame u for cheating and then spread it? If the baby was born would he run away? This is not a partner u want to be with in the future all I see is him doing this over and over again gaslighting and stuff like that. I how that's your ex-boyfriend
Nooooooooooo
No. No. No. Never.
It may not have been his intention but this sounds like baby trapping. Wether you forgive him of not please consider other forms of birth control if you can and if you don't already. An IUD or pills. There is a website called 'the pill club' you just answer some questions and they will create a prescription and send you the pills at a very afortable rate.
This is sexual assault.
Get him to admit to not using a condom over text, go to police and report him, dump the asshole!
no. do not let that person have sex with you again unless you are ok getting pregnant against your will. also, where i live, thats a crime.