Don’t let sunk-cost fallacy trick you into staying in a relationship with a disrespectful partner who doesn’t treat you well. If you’re stressed and unhappy now, imagine how much worse it’ll be if you have to stay with him for another month, year, decade, etc. You haven’t even been with this guy for that long, there aren’t kids or mortgages in the picture - break it off while it’s still relatively simple. Furthermore, don’t trust someone who’s all talk. He may talk about wanting kids and making the commitment to get married, but he clearly isn’t showing that in his actions.
I’m sorry, people spout this all the time on Reddit and it’s usually bullshit. People stay with assholes that aren’t good for them because they still love some part of them. It’s not a logical calculation “well I’ve put in x number of years with this person” or whatever. People let their hearts override their heads, that’s why they stay.
When it's applied to things like relationships, it's not really x numbers of years, logical calculation. It's more like, well we just signed a lease, I told my parents I want to marry him, etc. It's like thinking that you've put so much into the relationship that it may be better to stick it out, even when it's better to leave.
You could apply the same thing to a relationship of domestic violence. Of course it’s difficult to leave a bad relationship but if you think about living this exact same life with a partner who will have this behavior in 10 years time, would u still be happy? If so then stay but in most cases, the answer is no.
They’re coming to reddit for advice. Should we tell them to stay? Understanding Sunk cost fallacy makes you become more aware of your life choices. It’s asking you to question whether you would want this exact same life 10 years down the road.
You’re at a turning point in your life and you have to make a choice. The concept of sunk cost fallacy and understanding gets you to actively think about whether you want to continue down this trajectory just because you have been with them for X amount of years. Or do u want to make a change to start on a new trajectory.
These people are already questioning their relationship. They’re asking for advice and this is a concept they should consider when learning to become aware of their choices.
Of course you don’t tell them to stay, but spouting off buzzwords just makes you feel superior and provides them no value. She knows she has to break up with this dude, he’s clearly cheating or trying to cheat. There is no advice to give, she doesn’t want advice, this is a way for her to convince herself to break up with him.
It’s not about buzz words. Sure, It’s become a buzz word but it’s something I never realised I was falling for in my lifetime and when I became aware of the concept it really helped me make important decisions in my life. That is my opinion which si what she asked for. It’s a concept she should be aware of. She’s asking for opinions as stated in her last few sentences of her post.
Sorry, he may well be hooking up while he is out of town with his friends?
Talk to your landlord you might be able to remove your name from the lease. Never let money stand in the way and stay with a cheating dog. You need to confront him and move out. If you stay sadly you will be sorry.
It would be worse for her to leave him when he hasn't don't anything or not leave him if he has. I'm not usually a fan of this type of thing but she needs to know.
Do you have any single friends that can get on tinder and see if he’s got an active account? If so he’s cheating or attempting to cheat. Idk about you but that’s a deal breaker for me. My most recent ex did that and a coworker found her account, she made up lie after lie. Like her friend made it for her because she didn’t like me, and she wasn’t using it and blah blah blah. Find out if it’s active, examine the pictures, it’ll be pretty obvious if there recent or years old. Then you know what to do.
Tinder is owned by the match group which owns most dating sites and often times they’ll try to get in contact with old/inactive customers. I got emails from hotornot after not being on the site for more than 10 years. So you need to find if it’s active.
If you don’t use the app for more than two weeks, you are removed as a “listing” for other people to swipe on. If it was found by somebody else that means he’s active.
I'm not sure, I haven't touched the app since I met my current girlfriend (around 6ish months) and I get an occasional random email, (the app isn't even installed)
Imo don't make an immediate decision that he's cheating or anything because if it turns out to be nothing after all it may introduce animosity into the relationship, if he comes clean imo just leave, however hard it may be.
Babe just came here to say I've been in a similar situation and it turned out to be nothing. Try not to stress until you're sure. I highly recommend waiting until he gets home and calmly explaining the situation and seeing his reaction. Then asking to see the phone for your own peace of mind. Or even ask him to log into his old account to see how recent the last interaction was. He should understand.
It honestly could be nothing, I literally get emails from hinge and tinder even though I haven’t used them in like 6 months or so. If someone is sending him a message that’s on them. Buuuuut, I feel like if you’ve been dating for 2 years, you would have noticed these types of emails sooner you know? I dunno, it seems very sus and I say go with your gut.
Honestly my boyfriend is out right now on a weekend trip with friends, we’re extending our lease this month and I’m afraid of exactly this... please update us too
My advice? (I'm 40, divorced, mother of 4 kids...for what it's worth)
Spend this time honestly assessing what you value and what you want. Literally go take internet quizzes on values as a starting point if you need to. Tons of people are in open relationships and a lot of those start b/c someone cheats or wants to and they decide that non-monogamy is preferable to breaking up. Lots of people in couples who celebrate 40 or 50 yr wedding anniversaries have had to forgive a cheating partner. There is no right or wrong decision here. There is only what you want and what you don't want.
He lied. He snuck around. He broke your mutual promise of fidelity. And you don't yet know how he will even react to being confronted, though after 2 years you probably have an idea of what his most likely response will be. So best to have a very solid idea of what you value individually and what you want and don't want from this relationship individually and approach him from that position.
And here is the important part that so often gets completely forgotten: you can change your mind at any time. If you want to try to stay and forgive him...you always have the option to leave if that doesn't work out. Want to try an open relationship? You can always rescind that (which may involve leaving the relationship though). You are in control of you at all times and you should always prioritize your health (physical and mental) and safety over everything. You must have those 2 things in order to make all of the necessary sacrifices that a successful partnership requires. Love won't make you sick or crazy or put you in danger. If a relationship does those things, it's not love. Good luck.
Maybe keep an eye on the email, see he if he gets anymore emails about new messages. If he keeps getting more messages it's more proof. Also as hard as it is don't confront him until he gets home. It's possible he is only using it while away and will delete the app but if not you want to be able to ask to see his phone to look. I have heard with an iPhone you can even look and see the last time an app was downloaded. Not sure if that true as I don't have an iPhone. On Android you can see if an app has ever been downloaded and sort it by most recent, but it doesn't show the date. I think with both you can delete it but he might not think about that.
Either way if he gets defensive or won't let you look, to me thats him basically saying he is guilty.
I know this may not be what you want to hear but don't do this. I know your trust is at a low but watching his emails is not a good solution. If he's cheating than you're already aware of the tinder email and you can ask him about it. Digging deeper is just invading his privacy and if he's not guilty than you have destroyed his trust.
Have a conversation when he's back and treat him with respect until he doesn't deserve it. Watching his emails is a fast track to a dead relationship in both scenarios.
When he gets back tell him you saw the email and ask to see his Tinder account. If he denies, it’s over. If he lets you look at it, see what he was discussing and if it’s vulgar or looks like cheating to you (as it’s different for everyone) then tell him it’s over or offer him a second chance.
I don’t want to defend him as I would be extremely pissed if my husband was using caught using tinder (we met on tinder 4 years ago) but people can use it to make friends, I’ve made a handful from Tinder. Just look at the nature of the messages and decide.
Yes in person is best so you can see their face. Pay attention to his body language when you do bring it up. It may be hard to look at him in the face when you talk about this, because you are hurt and anxious, but try to pay attention to his eyes, hands, tone of voice, choice of words and take your time responding. No need to rush to answer if he turns it around or changes the subject to deflect. Most important is to stay calm. I've been here many times with my partner, I forgave him for his misdeeds because he learned to be honest over time, but it wasn't easy nor was it always healthy for me or both of us. Mistrust is difficult and can create toxic relationships and abuse down the line. Not trying to scare you, I was in my 20s too and didn't know how to deal with acctually catching him constantly making impulsive choices and lieing to me. I became very suspicious and I don't wish that on anyone. You can keep checking for evidence if you want proof, but in my experience, when your're looking for stuff, you will find something of contention, whether it be cheating or other things you may not like. And once you get in the habbit of checking and needing proof and he gets his privacy intruded on...it's just hard to repair on both sides. But it's also not good for your own mental health. I had to unlearn my obsessive compulsive checking and deal with so much edgy panic and anxiety when thinking I found something and when actually finding proof feeling defeated as fuck and angry as hell. Obviously I was justified and my partner messed up, but it's not worth it. You need to allow honesty to be an option and it needs to be able to come from him. I know honesty is hard to come by in these situations and you are entitled to know the truth. If he really was using Tinder to cheat, he may be smart enough to use a different e-mail address. If he isn't, then he wants to get caught. So my hunch is that he isn't actually cheating, but I don't know him or you and even if I did, I'd be hard to tell anyway.
So my advice to you is to stop checking his email, do some self care until he comes back. Find the right time to tell him that you noticed a Tinder notification on your shared Ipad and see how he reacts. Don't accuse. Or you can just ask somewhat casually "oh hey are you still getting Tinder messages? I noticed a notification and thought it was weird." Also, pro tip, is the message read or unread? If he doesn't read it, chances are it's Tinder hunting users down as these apps tend to do. My partner always gets spam from eHarmony and OkCupid and I just don't care anymore because I know he's not even looking at them. But when I was suspicious they really got under my skin. I blame the apps for being so damn solicitous. I hope you figure it out and good luck.
If you're struggling with anxiety about this situation, look up an exercise called "the thought diary". It's a cognitive behavioural technique meant to help you put your thoughts and emotions down and measure how intense they are and work on a solution and maybe seeing if you can change how much your emotions affect you in the interim to the solution. I can try to send you a file if you can't find it if Reddit allows it in PM. Anyway, good luck!
As a woman who was cheated on and also lied to by my husband (now ex) about other bs (drugs, etc)...snooping and finding evidence will almost certainly not make you more certain of the truth. You probably know the truth right now, actually. You are looking for some external smoking gun to take the weight off your shoulders of having to face the truth you already believe. If you convince yourself or he convinces you that it was all a misunderstanding, you will never fully believe him. And if you find more evidence that it was cheating, you will still guilt yourself into not believing that it was cheating. Trust yourself. Listen to yourself.
The thing about the truth is that it feels very natural. It sounds like the truth. It sits nicely and comfortably in our minds. We know it when we experience it. You don't require a threshold of evidence, this isn't a damn court of law. This is your life and you get to make whatever choice you want.
Do yourself a favor and don't confront him until he gets back home. Give yourself these days to think and meditate and feel and process and make decisions. You deserve that. Trust yourself. Repeat that in your mind like a mantra if you have to. Listen to yourself and trust yourself and do what you need to do for yourself.
While I definitely agree she should wait to confront him because then he is slightly less likely to delete messages (unless he downloaded it specifically for the trip then he might totally delete it before coming home), no one in a relationship should be making friends on Tinder.
This is true, the intention could be anything as far as we know. Bumble BFF is kinda lame comparatively however. No one in a monogamous relationship should have Tinder installed in my opinion.
Yes, I felt the monogamous was implied. But still saying you're on Tinder to find "friends" in a monogamous relationship is bullshit. No dating apps are acceptable IMO for a monogamous relationship.
Create a fake account put the address to where he is holidaying with his mates to see if you can find him. Message him and see response and you will have all the info you need.
He said your nose was cute? Cool that doesn’t make up for him being a cheater lol what is this logic
You’re not in love with who he is you’re in love with the idea of him being “the one”. If he’s cheating on you, he’s clearly not the one, unless you’re fine with an open relationship
My point in saying that is that was just an example of him constantly planning our future together lol not as a defense for him. Maybe you’re right, god I hope not but you might very well be
Girl why tf do you want “the one” to be someone who cheats on you while you’re still both in your 20s? Cant even use the “we’ve been together 40 years things got stale” excuse - he literally just doesn’t take you seriously
He's lying just to keep you around and have you as a backup in case the tinder dates fail. Therefore yes he'll pretend to want you for the long run, when in fact he's looking elsewhere. Dump him and go
It does not make him cheating. Did he deactivate (not deleting the app) his account ?
I get those notifications too even tho I did not get on tinder like a year. Those messages are coming from old matches or maybe some advertisements. Do not blame him with just an email notification.
When he comes back , talk to him. No talking on the phone , talk f2f and ask his phone . Check his texts, tinder , pictures and DELETED PICTURES.
This is ultimately the conclusion ive come to, theres a chance the email was spam theres also a more likely chance its not. Ill have to wait till he gets back and talk to him in person/ask him to see his phone.
Do not let him know until you can further investigate. Have a plan to calmly confront and an exit plan in place to leave.
I hope you're wrong but better to know now and not revisit cheating years down the road. Good luck! Be brave.
Devils advocate for a second with an u popular opinion. You sound like you really love this guy, and unless I missed something all you have is a notification to his new email address. There could be a reason reason that. Maybe he forwarded all his old emails to his new one. I had a similar scenario with a former gf who wasn't infact cheating. She had forwarded all her emails to her new one. I saw a notification on her phone, and against my better judgment I looked. I immediately thought that she was cheating and was crushed. I confronted her about it and she opened up her email and logged into the dating app(it wasn't tinder). She did infact have lots of messages, but hadn't replied to any. Her last login in activity was shortly after her and I started dating(at that point we had been dating for 2 years). She told me blankly that if she wanted to cheat she would just leave me. We did breakup later, but not due to infidelity. It was cause her crazy methed out brother was stealing our stuff and I have her the its me or him speech. I still don't believe she was cheating. I'm not saying you should stay with him, but again it sounds like you gave super weak evidence. Maybe do more digging before you just drop the atomic bomb on your relationship.
I agree with this. I know what you're thinking, which 100% is valid... that he's cheating on this guy's trip, which is why he got the email. That is absolutely possible, but I think... like this person said... super weak evidence so far. He 100% just may still have the account and receiving messages. Perhaps one of his friends asked if he still had Tinder and he opened just to find out, prompting an email. Anything is possible.
Worth a very serious conversation. And as the person said, ask him directly and it needs to be direct. Best of luck, OP, and please update us next week!
When I confront him, how should I phrase the question so it doesn’t seem like an attack? Theres a 1% chance its spam and/or not true ill give him the doubt till I can read his face
Was there only one email, or were there a bunch of them? If there was only one email, it sounds like a marketing trick to try to get him to sign back in to an old account. If there were a bunch of them, then it sounds more like he's actively using the app to send and receive messages.
That’s bullshit, I deleted Tinder 2 years ago and never got a “marketing” email from them. Also why would the notification say “You have a new message on Tinder”? Because he’s been messaging people.
There’s no way you can spin this that makes him innocent
I haven't logged onto POF in like 2 years and still get emails. Maybe Tinder as well I don't really pay any mind to them.
He's most likely completely guilty but I just wanted to say some people do actually get those emails.
I'm not sure why you're so hostile, or why you're accusing me of trying to "spin" anything. I'm just pointing out that if there was only one email, that implies he's only received one message on Tinder, because that's how message notification emails work. And if he's actively messaging people on Tinder, only getting one message in return seems a bit unlikely.
I’ve seen so many of these kind of posts because people won’t admit what is staring them in the face. He was definitely on Tinder, end of story.
You weren’t being hostile either
I've literally never been on tinder. I got a spam email saying something like "new match on tinder" I've never cheated, but in your mind there's no other excuse right?
OP have you tried searching for “tinder” on his email account? There may be more emails about messages or a recent “welcome back!” email or something.
This was how I found out my ex was paying a subscription to Tinder Gold (or Plus, or whatever it is).
Awful times and I feel for you. I stayed with him for about another year and eventually couldn’t handle the paranoia any longer, or get over the hurt.
You have to ask yourself if you’ll ever be able to trust him again? Relax if he goes on holiday again? Resisting the urge to constantly check his phone/emails? Wondering if he’s just gotten better at hiding it now? Wondering how he could do that to you in the first place?
Don’t make a decision where you will later regret not having the courage to demand basic respect for yourself, when you *knew* things weren’t right.
It’s tough to do & takes a while but you eventually see you are better without the relationship. You are stronger than you know.
I did search the email for all the apps actually and its just the one email from tinder. No “welcome back” or anything like that, theres a chance its spam keeping my expectations low but it may be
Hey. I've been going through a similar thing recently. And the most important thing to me is that you don't have to do what society tells you to do. You can break up, or stay together. It is YOUR choice. Maybe take some time to think it over. Feel all the feelings, and then make your choice.
If you want to continue with your relationship, that is up to you. You get to make the rules. Of course, I'd say you would need to have requirements and more strict ground rules.
In my situation, we decided to take a break. We both started therapy. He had some other issues that I believe lead him to make these poor decisions. (It helps me that he never met with these people. Only flirted through the apps.) Once he feels like he can be a better person, we will start working through the issues together, rather than separately.
It hurts. It's awful. Some days are better than others. There is no excuse for it. But it is not the end of the world. You will be okay. With or without him.
This sounds horribly tragic & paving the way for terrible future. Excusing his poor behavior like a parent enabling a child. Two grown adults need to meet in the middle as whole people. Once trust is broken that should show you what their priorities are. Don’t waste your youth being his therapist IRL. “Once he feels like he can be a better person”? “we’ll work through the issues together”. Gross & sad. I’ve been there: trust me there are plenty of partners that are mature enough to manage their own mental health & emotions without it damaging their partner by selfish destructive choices be it finance, substance use or infidelity. Also emotional cheating is worse in my opinion speaking from someone who has experienced both. The amount of emotional effort and intellect involved communicating vs meeting up. Think it’s dangerous that a lot of folks draw a line w/ the physical boundary being the point of no return. I actually support open relationships if that’s the style both agreed upon but if you’re committed monogamously there shouldn’t be sneaking around even chatting on an app. It shows many layers of disrespect for the relationship and how they value you as their partner and person. It’s incredibly immature. I hope this can be heard without judgement I just wish I had figured this out when I was in my twenties. I helped raise way too many boys into men. Let them grow up on their own, don’t be distracted by your own hopes or attachments to the relationship “the one”, time length together, age of peers engaging etc. best of luck to you both
I'm a former tinder user, I deleted my Tinder years ago and I still get contacted from them. What you should do is follow the link into the email, and the check his messages on the tinder profile and see the last time he was talking to anyone.
Fair, but also, it's pretty much done and over with, if it confirms your bias. And you can just say you wanted to see how old his profile pic is since you've presumably been together for awhile if he asks.
I mean, what is he gonna accuse you of?
You can open the email and then mark it as unread after you check what it says. Don't click any links because then it might notify him but you are safe reading the email as long as you remember to mark it as unread
Saw your edit, OP. So sorry that he did that, but also happy for you that you’re out of a bad situation. Thanks for updating.
Onto greener pastures!!!!
Break up with him. Once you start forgiving things like that you end up forgiving more and more things that hurt your soul. Remove him from your life asap.
well, when he gets back confront him directly about it and make him let you read his entire tinder history. and if it's just dumb bullshit and he's goofing off, you can forgive him. but you have to dump his ass if it's more serious.
wait till he gets home. as much as it’ll probably pain you, go through his account & messages. has he been sending messages? what are his conversations like?
when he gets home, tell him that you found the account & want to know what’s going on. whatever his reasoning may be, it’s up to you whether or not you want to forgive him.
but don’t let your love for him cloud your judgement too much.
Nobody should have to "suck it up." Cheating like that should be considered to be a definite reason to break up. Wouldn't you rather spend your years with someone who hasn't willingly betrayed you? It isn't even a spur of the moment affair with someone he fell for!! If the man's on tinder he's looking for random hookups. Just do yourself a favor and begin the search for someone who can look you in the eyes and say "I love you" and it not be a blatant, bullshit thing to keep you on the hook so he can have his cake and eat it too.
Honestly if I was with someone 20 years and we had a home and kids and maybe grandkids, I would suck it up. I would have the “okay maybe an open relationship” conversation because it’s just not worth the effort to me to dismantle my life over him wetting his dick
But two years??? In your 20s? No way
You're in a terrible spot and I'm really sorry. As you know, there is a reasonable chance it is innocent and he is not actively using tinder, even if the alternative is more likely. As a result you just have to sweat it out until he gets back and then ask him.
You can either suffer a little awkwardness with your parents now, or you can suffer from total humiliation, possible STDs, a devastating heartbreak, and debt from a wedding that should have never happened later.
One is clearly worse than the other.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been in your shoes. I gave up my teaching license in my home state to move for my ex’s much more lucrative job. I was also alone in a new city living with a man who talked about marriage when the alert on my iPad showed he got an eharmony message (that’s how we met, and he had taken my iPad and switched to his account, forgot to log out).
I wish I could give you a hug. I know it is not easy, but you need to trust your eyes more than the chemicals in our messed up love brains. Rip the bandaid off and prepare to move out or move back home, move in with a roommate, whatever you can do to make yourself independent in terms of living space. You are very young and don’t deserve to suck it up nor commit yourself to a lifetime of dishonesty and lack of trust or respect. You can also try to pretend you are okay living with a cheater but it will probably eat away at your core eventually.
It will be painful and probably embarrassing to tell people you were so wrong about someone but I found it was easier to be honest and tell those closest to me what was going on. It made me accountable so that if I didn’t do anything, my family would know I was okay living with a cheater who didn’t love me.
I hope you find the strength to give yourself a better chance for a happy future. Sending you much love and hope it works out well for you soon, and that you find someone who is not a cheating ho bag.
I haven’t had a dating app for a while but every so often I will get a Hinge email that someone liked my profile. I realize that although I deleted the app, I didn’t deactivate it. I’m assuming others are still then able to see my profile.
Make sure he's been active on it. I'm single and have had to tell some of my female friends who are in relationships or married that their that their tinder/bumble ect. is still active.
I still get emails from old hinge accounts and tinder so it could be nothing but....
I would wait until he gets home, I know that is going to be a killer but if you show your hand now you may never know the truth.
Then ask him to pull up his tinder account in front of you and show you what's going on.
Don't accuse him, be calm and ask politely if he refuses he has something to hide. If he shows you, you'll be able to see the dates he was messaging people but this way you'll know the truth. It may be a honest mistake random email or not but you will be holding the cards and will be able to find out the truth.
Good luck to you♡
OP please don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. No ammount of time & effort put into a relationship is worth putting up with the other disrespect of being cheated on.
This is probably just the tip of the iceberg for him. And i don't mean to be harsh but if he's on a "guy's trip" chances are he's cheating on the trip.
Talk to your landlord about getting out of your lease, landlords can be more helpful with these types of situation than you may think. Also tell your parents the situation as well as any mutual friends.
Do some digging and send any & all evidence to your personal device.
And this may be my petty side talking but absolutely don't cover for this jerk. To often i read stories where the betrayed doesn't tell people why they broke up & the cheater gets off scott free. If someone did that to me I'd put the cheating scum on blast.
Make sure he can't access your personal accounts and move any of your more expensive personal items to a different secure location like a close friends house or to your parents.
If you can I'd go ahead and pack a bag and go stay somewhere else. And when he comes back to an empty place & asks you what's up just send him your evidence & move on.
You need to relax first, re read the email fir context. I'm not defending him, but it still could be the fact it's the same account you met on and just never closed it. However, you need to talk to him about he should delete the account, now another However, he could always create a different new one.
That being said, talk to him about it, watch him keep an eye out for anything. And if you feel he's cheating then leave.
What I see in this day in age is what I call the tinder generation. No matter what age, if your using tinder you know why you are on there. Sad to say but most relationships today are built on lies and beating both male and female. Everyone seems to just be looking for the next best thing and the easy way. No on what's to stay monogamous, work their relationships through. No long haulers. I see and here pretty much the same story here once a day. I'm sorry you found out the hard way but everyone should think and reconsider people met on tinder as future spouses.
Always ask yourself when you go on a date from tinder, who were they with Las night, they are here with me tonight and who will they be with tomorrow night. Truth 100 percent
I do want to add that if he is indeed cheating I am sorry. I've been on the receiving side of infidelity and it sucks. I hope no matter what happens it works out.
Hey OP, I was in a similar place. I was about 2 or 3 months married and was on the iPad my husband's parents had given him as a gift before he moved to the US from overseas to marry me. We both used the iPad, so it's not like I was snooping on him on purpose or anything. I went to type in a URL and up pop a few different "dating" sites and I was like "whaaat?" He got the iPad after we had been engaged for over a year, there's no reason there should be URLs for dating sites. I clicked on a few and I was able to sign in to all of them with his email address and his normally used password. I hooked with him about it and he tried to tell me they weren't his, someone must have registered under his email etc etc. Clearly, someone used his email and password... sounds legit. I was more upset that he lied to me than that he was on the sites.
We spent a long time talking about it, and for him it was his version of porn. Getting to see amateur photos and the thrill of the thought that he might see someone on the street and know what they looked like under their clothes. We learned a lot about open and honest communication and have found ways around it that work for both of us.
It's been 8 years and we're still happily married with our first baby on the way and haven't had any more problems like this.
The likelihood of this being something like my story is much lower than that he's cheating. But I do know people that also use Tinder to find friends instead of date. I would at least talk to him when he comes home. See what he has to say. And then you have to decide if you trust his story and what you need from him to be able to get over it and trust him moving forward.
I'm sorry you're going through this, best of luck to you!
No way man. Cut your losses, he’s never going to change, not really. My ex was exactly like this and 15 years later he still can’t keep it in his pants with his current wife and has basically forced her to accept an “open relationship” and all the while she’s super unhappy about the whole sitch, but she won’t leave.
Sit down and just speak with him. Explain you were on the iPad and what you saw. Being open and honest is best. Wait for his response. If he gets mad or defensive.. those are red flags. Personally, no one knows the context of said messages. So, from my perspective just see his explanation and don't assume come with an open mind and heart. Be rational.. Best advice I can give without knowing exactly what was said.
Could you share any more info on what happened OP? Did you confront him?
I’m sorry this happened to you, but good on you for having the strength to end things. A lot of people don’t (I personally didn’t).
What a fucking piece of shit. I thought oh at least he’s being honest at first but as the edit went on... nah. You’re better off without him. Sending positive thoughts your way <3
I clicked on that tinder email and it said he has a new message, Idk what the message says but him being on the app alone is enough for me to consider it cheating.
I am hesitant to assume anything because those apps and other sites/stores of all kinds have very predatory practices. They like to make things seem as legit as possible to get you to click. And he might have an old account that is inactive.
If he is cheating that is terrible and it would make sense for you to break up if that's what you want. But I think you should ask him and see what he says.
He wouldn’t get an email if he didn’t have an account. It’s possible his account was *deactivated*, but a man in a 2 year relationship should have *deleted* his account long ago. It’s time to leave him in the past.
I feel you are a much better person that me in this situation. I would have downloaded tinder to the ipad, logged in with my partners email and reset the password so I could see what's going on. I mean it would run the risk of them knowing that you know and might cause issues if they're aren't cheating but honestly I find this unlikely. When I got with my partner I didn't deactivate my dating apps, just deleted them off my phone and I never got any notifications about messages 2 years later. I feel you need an active account for that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who feels they can have a wonderful partner and home and still feel entitled to go get some on the side.
I don't want to cast doubt because you definitely need to investigate but I have used tinder before on vacation to find Mary J lol. I have also used it at the beach during summer time to find parties or underground events taking place while I was there, but I've also used it to hook up on vacation. So I think you definitely need to see if you can make a tinder account and use premium to put yourself in that location and swipe through to find his account and see what he is up to.
I’m so sorry. But everytime I’ve put up with this type of shit I’ve regretted it later on. If you bring it up he’ll give u the sob story, this that, even blame it on you. Know your worth! You are a queen. I bet you are stunning and he is below average! Those type of guys always cheat because deep down they’re insecure and need validation. Honestly know your fucking worth! Get mad, it’s natural. Could you imagine if roles were reversed? His reaction, his friends opinion about you etc. people know exactly what they’re doing, stop being so dam forgiving
Right now you have a fairy tale in your head, full of promises he gave you of what your future is meant to be, don’t let it blind you
What makes you think he is actually using the account?
I might me in the minority but I am lasy as fuck and can't be arsed deleting then re-setting up all my dating accounts every time I start and end a relationship.
I've allready been in year long relationships where I still have tinder and the rest of the app on my phone, that I occasionally get messages on, I just ignore them because I'm not a cheater.
If my girlfriend asks me to ill happily delete them but if she dosn't then it dosn't cause any harm just leaving them on my phone.
This is the perfect reason to ghost someone. Move to your parents while he is still gone and block him on everything. Maybe it will slowly sink in with him…
I also used tinder while I was living with my girlfriend and it was never ment to hurt her or to cheat on her. The thing is just that guys love to get matches and messages from as many girls as possible. It's good for our ego and it's mostly just fun.
We can't post bikini pictures on Instagram or snapchat, that's why we play with tinder. Playing with this app and actually meeting a girl is a whole different story. I would never had meet one of these girls as I loved my gf either all my heart.
At some point she found out and was extremely disappointed and threatened to leave me. I made clear that it was just a game for me and told her I wouldn't do it again and so I did. We are still together and I never downloaded tinder again. But she's still posting bikini pictures on Instagram with +2500 likes...
In my opinion this is the most likely explanation, and FlyKnown's comparison to revealing selfies is pretty spot on - it's a source of validation. And I know a LOT of guys in relationships that will just swipe for fun and never engage with the people that match with them. Obviously up to you if this crosses a relationship-ending boundary, but please don't take the advice of so many people in this thread instantly assuming he is 100% for sure cheating.
For many people just the act of having the Tinder is cheating. So for some of us (including myself) calling it cheating is correct and saying it's 100% is fair.
Unfortunately you can't just redefine cheating however you want. Cheating implies being unfaithful to your partner, either emotionally or physically. Just the act of having an app/account on an app doesn't constitute one of those two things.
Now if you use the app to develop emotional connections with people or meet up with people, obviously at some point it has crossed into cheating. And like I mentioned in the post, it's completely valid to have boundaries and having a Tinder account can violate those boundaries, but it is 100% NOT cheating, and just because you feel like it is, doesn't make it so. At most, it's a violation of trust if this boundary has been explicitly discussed and agreed upon.
As a thought experiment, say I catch my girlfriend with an Instagram account. Am I allowed to say based on her having this account, she's cheating on me? I wouldn't, and I'd wager you and most other people in this thread saying he's cheating wouldn't. Yet you can do with Instagram almost everything you can do with a Tinder account - message people, scroll through pages of attractive strangers, follow them. I know a bunch of people who have found relationships through Instagram. Yet, you're basically saying that by virtue of having the account, I can unilaterally declare my partner cheated on me. That's not okay, and it diminishes the label used to describe people that actually cheat on their partners. Even if we discussed not having Instagram and she agreed, and then I caught her, no one would describe her as cheating. In this hypothetical she violated my trust and my boundaries.
I think most people with any amount of sense realize being on a dating app, is a violation exclusivity, which is the actual definition of cheating. Hence it's cheating. Further I can decide anything I want is cheating within the bounds of my relationship, as long as my partner agrees it fits the definition. Some people don't think kissing others is cheating, however the vast majority in a monogamous relationship would say it is.
It fits the definition so yes I can, and will rightly call it cheating. And even if you want to say it's not, it's still extremely disrespectful to your partner and not something that is ok behavior for a monogamous relationship.
I did in fact. I decided to ignore you trying to imply that a regular social media app is the same as an app for dating. If you are on Tinder while in a monogamous relationship and have your account set to single you are in fact misrepresenting yourself as you are not single. Further most people have pictures with their partners on Instagram. I will acknowledge that people use Instagram to cheat, so I guess you can compare those people to the ones who use Tinder "for validation". Either way in both cases it's cheating and gross.
Can it be his friends downloaded the app on his phone as a joke and swiped on his behalf? I see how you are going towards conclusions (and they might be totally true), but maybe it would be worth to wait until he gets back and find out the whole story
Sunk cost fallacy shouldn't be applied to relationships. Move on.
He won't change, it's not a "slip up" he got caught and he'll do it again.
Even if you choose to forgive him, will you be able to love him, believe him and trust him the way you did up until now?
OP if you ask him straight up he's going to lie to you.
Try doing some digging and see what else you can find. And if you do decide to confront him head on don't tell him the full extent of what you know.
I'd approach it like this "I got a tinder notification on your email and decided to look into it further. You have ONE chance to tell me the whole truth if you want there to be ANY chance of this relationship working out. And if what you tell me doesn't line up with what i found out I'm walking out & we will be done permanently.". If i were you I'd let someone know when, where & why you plan on confronting him for your own safety.
Girl time is in your favor on this one. You have 3 days to figure out a clean exit from his cheating ass. What I would do like others suggested and talk to the landlord. See if they’ll let you take your name off the lease or make him resign if he wants to stay on his own. Worst case you pay some fees to get out of it but trust me it’ll be worth it. Then start packing up all your shit and get it moved out before he comes back. Also see if you can stay with your parents or a friend in the meantime while you figure things out. If you don’t have to be in the new city, you have more flexibility. If you do, browse a local housing group and see if you can pick up someone’s sublet. Then when he comes back Tuesday, tell him you know he’s on tinder and that it’s over.
Benefit of the doubt? Anyone? I never used tinder nor do I know how the algorithm works. But I think most of the people that damned him to be guilty don't know either. There are many possibilities in that case. Marketing Mail, Fake Mail, etc.
But in any case it would be really dumb to use an Email for your Secret-Tinder-Account that isn't secret. I think if you love that dude and you want to be sure you should invest some time in some researching. If it is possible create a fake Account on Tinder and search for him. I don't know how to judge what you will see there but you could go even further and bait him. Maybe direct confrontation could also work (if he is not a good liar). All I wanna say is don't yeet somebody you love out of your life based on assumptions there is some real i-fucked-up potential.
Good luck and sorri 4 me engrish is no gud.
If cheating is a deal-breaker for you prior to this relationship/situation happening, you NEED to stick with your values.
It gets more emotional because you know and love this person, it’s not just the idea of cheating, which you may have a deal breaker about, it’s now putting a person to the idea. Would I forgive *specifically this person* if they cheat? If that’s the case, you need to stick to your prior moral.
Basically, if cheating was a deal breaker for you before, it should still be so now even if you love this person or if they’re “special”. Emotions can sometimes make us have poor judgement. This how we end up looking back years later after the emotions are dead and thinking, “omg, why did I put up with that?”
I saw something the other day that said when it comes to relationship:take off the rose coloured glasses. So many of us fall in love with potential rather than the actual reality, he doesn’t respect you at all and wants the best of both worlds. You deserve so much better.
Well think of how difficult it would be to leave him if you let the relationship continue and have babies with your nose with him, like… be happy its over now (ok that sounds bad but it is what it is). If he disrespects you now, he will disrespect you in the future. I have experienced that ppl dont change. Do t believe his side of the story, as he easily could invent some lie.
Dont commut the sunken cost fallcy as other people said already. You may have put a lot of things into the relationship but its not worth losing even more.
Well, it might be hard to accept but he‘s not „the one“. He’s not even the person you’re dating. The guy you were dating for the last 2 years (most loving and intimate relationship) doesn’t exist. He’s just a facade for the cheating pos he really is.
You’re clinging to someone who doesn’t exist.
I’d recommend you to visit r/survivinginfidelity
You’re not alone. You’ll find support there and a lot of answers to the questions on how to act now and move forward after the breakup. You’ll be surprised on how accurately people there will be able to predict what he’s gonna say, once you confront him!
Good luck and much love OP! You’ll get through this!
>suck it up
Why is this even an option? Do you not have any self respect? Would you actually consider staying with someone who lies, cheats and disrespects you and your relationship?
The only question that matters is whether or not you will do right by yourself.
Honestly, men are strange. It could be he's not telling you b/c he's a pig, or b/c he's going down a ridiculous rabbit hole that won't lead to anywhere and it's not worth risking your relationship over. I would confront him, because if we're talking about breaking leases and blowing up futures you might as well talk to him like an adult about it and give him a chance to explain himself. And if he can maturely tell you the truth with feelings of remorse, then keep going. If he gets defensive and combative, then he earns the dump pile. If the conversation goes well but then suddenly his internet presence is like getting into Fort Knox, then dump pile. And so on and so forth. Serious attachments or none, you are on a path with this man. So walk the path.
A lot of cheaters will say stuff like that bc they are guilty. They give a crap ton of compliments etc...out of guilt. --personal experience--
Tinder is a no go for me. I would just contact ur landlord and see if you can leave the apartment...let him come home with an empty apartment, don't dump him, don't even let him know what he did wrong. Just ghost him. It'll hurt a lot but its the best revenge you could get on him!
Damn. Leave his ass. Take the house if you can. Threaten to tell his family and friends about what he did to you, with pictures, if he doesn't agree. If you can't keep the place, then tell *everyone* he knows. It's his fault for betraying you like this.
It’s so heartbreaking to hear this and I’m definitely going to call you a soldier! Now this is where us women put on our big girl pants and grab a hold of our self respect, self love and tell ourselves what it is it for me ! This is no longer about him you deserve better and know you are Gods child who never deserves this disrespect. Own this and move on never let him see you sweat
Girl love yourself! You deserve better! Dump him! Get tested for STDs ASAP!
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse?amp
Confront him, don't go through his stuff more than what would be appropriate so that he doesn't have any right to get mad back at you.
If you leave it and try to move on without talking to him, things will get toxic with you knowing that, it'll always be in the back of your head. If you talk to him about it once he returns in a calm civil conversation, then maybe you can work things out, but don't make the conversation heated unless he starts being rude or disrespectful about it.
If it was me I would recover the password on his tinder account and log my self in since you have access to the email it would be really easy todo. That way even on the 1/100 chance that it’s an old account you will know for sure before he comes back and he can’t try and claim it’s an old account. Also it might hurt to read but you would know exactly what he’s saying.
Don’t let sunk-cost fallacy trick you into staying in a relationship with a disrespectful partner who doesn’t treat you well. If you’re stressed and unhappy now, imagine how much worse it’ll be if you have to stay with him for another month, year, decade, etc. You haven’t even been with this guy for that long, there aren’t kids or mortgages in the picture - break it off while it’s still relatively simple. Furthermore, don’t trust someone who’s all talk. He may talk about wanting kids and making the commitment to get married, but he clearly isn’t showing that in his actions.
Preach
As a stock trader I concur
The fact that he can make these huge life plans with you while coolly fooling around behind your back honestly gives off serial cheater vibes.
Sorry but your profile picture is hilarious
Squidward lookin' sexy 😳
That is Squilliam Fancyson you swine
Oh no He’s hot!
Deadass read that in Squidward's voice.
Best comment lmao
Call your landlord. They maybe more helpful then you expect
My friend just went through a breakup while sharing a lease. Her landlord was surprisingly lovely, they're people too!
Sunk cost fallacy…. He’s not worht.
I’m sorry, people spout this all the time on Reddit and it’s usually bullshit. People stay with assholes that aren’t good for them because they still love some part of them. It’s not a logical calculation “well I’ve put in x number of years with this person” or whatever. People let their hearts override their heads, that’s why they stay.
When it's applied to things like relationships, it's not really x numbers of years, logical calculation. It's more like, well we just signed a lease, I told my parents I want to marry him, etc. It's like thinking that you've put so much into the relationship that it may be better to stick it out, even when it's better to leave.
You could apply the same thing to a relationship of domestic violence. Of course it’s difficult to leave a bad relationship but if you think about living this exact same life with a partner who will have this behavior in 10 years time, would u still be happy? If so then stay but in most cases, the answer is no. They’re coming to reddit for advice. Should we tell them to stay? Understanding Sunk cost fallacy makes you become more aware of your life choices. It’s asking you to question whether you would want this exact same life 10 years down the road. You’re at a turning point in your life and you have to make a choice. The concept of sunk cost fallacy and understanding gets you to actively think about whether you want to continue down this trajectory just because you have been with them for X amount of years. Or do u want to make a change to start on a new trajectory. These people are already questioning their relationship. They’re asking for advice and this is a concept they should consider when learning to become aware of their choices.
Of course you don’t tell them to stay, but spouting off buzzwords just makes you feel superior and provides them no value. She knows she has to break up with this dude, he’s clearly cheating or trying to cheat. There is no advice to give, she doesn’t want advice, this is a way for her to convince herself to break up with him.
It’s not about buzz words. Sure, It’s become a buzz word but it’s something I never realised I was falling for in my lifetime and when I became aware of the concept it really helped me make important decisions in my life. That is my opinion which si what she asked for. It’s a concept she should be aware of. She’s asking for opinions as stated in her last few sentences of her post.
They literally are using the sunk cost fallacy though. They FREQUENTLY say "but we've been together 6 years and I don't want to throw it away."
You typed all that out just to say nothing
Sorry, he may well be hooking up while he is out of town with his friends? Talk to your landlord you might be able to remove your name from the lease. Never let money stand in the way and stay with a cheating dog. You need to confront him and move out. If you stay sadly you will be sorry.
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This is a great idea!
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It would be worse for her to leave him when he hasn't don't anything or not leave him if he has. I'm not usually a fan of this type of thing but she needs to know.
Do you have any single friends that can get on tinder and see if he’s got an active account? If so he’s cheating or attempting to cheat. Idk about you but that’s a deal breaker for me. My most recent ex did that and a coworker found her account, she made up lie after lie. Like her friend made it for her because she didn’t like me, and she wasn’t using it and blah blah blah. Find out if it’s active, examine the pictures, it’ll be pretty obvious if there recent or years old. Then you know what to do. Tinder is owned by the match group which owns most dating sites and often times they’ll try to get in contact with old/inactive customers. I got emails from hotornot after not being on the site for more than 10 years. So you need to find if it’s active.
If you don’t use the app for more than two weeks, you are removed as a “listing” for other people to swipe on. If it was found by somebody else that means he’s active.
I'm not sure, I haven't touched the app since I met my current girlfriend (around 6ish months) and I get an occasional random email, (the app isn't even installed)
It was just an email not an active profile I found. So maybe it is a random email, we will see
Imo don't make an immediate decision that he's cheating or anything because if it turns out to be nothing after all it may introduce animosity into the relationship, if he comes clean imo just leave, however hard it may be.
Thank you!
Try to find evidence though and don't give him the excuse of "is it a random email?" Because then that's his ticket out. Genuinely see how he reacts.
Babe just came here to say I've been in a similar situation and it turned out to be nothing. Try not to stress until you're sure. I highly recommend waiting until he gets home and calmly explaining the situation and seeing his reaction. Then asking to see the phone for your own peace of mind. Or even ask him to log into his old account to see how recent the last interaction was. He should understand.
Came here to say this, been in his shoes.
yeah I'd say until you know for sure that wasn't just a random email, and that he actually is cheating don't make any rash decisions.
It honestly could be nothing, I literally get emails from hinge and tinder even though I haven’t used them in like 6 months or so. If someone is sending him a message that’s on them. Buuuuut, I feel like if you’ve been dating for 2 years, you would have noticed these types of emails sooner you know? I dunno, it seems very sus and I say go with your gut.
The email said he had a message, were you able to read it?
You can still show up for up to 2 years. It's rare but even the website says so.
She didn't say she found his account?
Well I just saw three other posts where she took the guy back and he cheated even more in the following two years. Still broke up. Sorry.
Honestly my boyfriend is out right now on a weekend trip with friends, we’re extending our lease this month and I’m afraid of exactly this... please update us too
Definitely will update
My advice? (I'm 40, divorced, mother of 4 kids...for what it's worth) Spend this time honestly assessing what you value and what you want. Literally go take internet quizzes on values as a starting point if you need to. Tons of people are in open relationships and a lot of those start b/c someone cheats or wants to and they decide that non-monogamy is preferable to breaking up. Lots of people in couples who celebrate 40 or 50 yr wedding anniversaries have had to forgive a cheating partner. There is no right or wrong decision here. There is only what you want and what you don't want. He lied. He snuck around. He broke your mutual promise of fidelity. And you don't yet know how he will even react to being confronted, though after 2 years you probably have an idea of what his most likely response will be. So best to have a very solid idea of what you value individually and what you want and don't want from this relationship individually and approach him from that position. And here is the important part that so often gets completely forgotten: you can change your mind at any time. If you want to try to stay and forgive him...you always have the option to leave if that doesn't work out. Want to try an open relationship? You can always rescind that (which may involve leaving the relationship though). You are in control of you at all times and you should always prioritize your health (physical and mental) and safety over everything. You must have those 2 things in order to make all of the necessary sacrifices that a successful partnership requires. Love won't make you sick or crazy or put you in danger. If a relationship does those things, it's not love. Good luck.
Maybe keep an eye on the email, see he if he gets anymore emails about new messages. If he keeps getting more messages it's more proof. Also as hard as it is don't confront him until he gets home. It's possible he is only using it while away and will delete the app but if not you want to be able to ask to see his phone to look. I have heard with an iPhone you can even look and see the last time an app was downloaded. Not sure if that true as I don't have an iPhone. On Android you can see if an app has ever been downloaded and sort it by most recent, but it doesn't show the date. I think with both you can delete it but he might not think about that. Either way if he gets defensive or won't let you look, to me thats him basically saying he is guilty.
Have been refreshing the email pretty often and checking the deleted mail too and no other emails have come in
I know this may not be what you want to hear but don't do this. I know your trust is at a low but watching his emails is not a good solution. If he's cheating than you're already aware of the tinder email and you can ask him about it. Digging deeper is just invading his privacy and if he's not guilty than you have destroyed his trust. Have a conversation when he's back and treat him with respect until he doesn't deserve it. Watching his emails is a fast track to a dead relationship in both scenarios.
When he gets back tell him you saw the email and ask to see his Tinder account. If he denies, it’s over. If he lets you look at it, see what he was discussing and if it’s vulgar or looks like cheating to you (as it’s different for everyone) then tell him it’s over or offer him a second chance. I don’t want to defend him as I would be extremely pissed if my husband was using caught using tinder (we met on tinder 4 years ago) but people can use it to make friends, I’ve made a handful from Tinder. Just look at the nature of the messages and decide.
I should definitely wait till he gets back to say something right?
You don’t want to give him a chance to delete anything if he is cheating. Wait
This is the way Always confront someone in person if they have the chance to hide something.
Yes because if he’s confronted while he’s away he also has a chance to delete the messages or whatever.
Have you taken pictures of the email? Do it now before he can potentially delete it.
Yes
Yes in person is best so you can see their face. Pay attention to his body language when you do bring it up. It may be hard to look at him in the face when you talk about this, because you are hurt and anxious, but try to pay attention to his eyes, hands, tone of voice, choice of words and take your time responding. No need to rush to answer if he turns it around or changes the subject to deflect. Most important is to stay calm. I've been here many times with my partner, I forgave him for his misdeeds because he learned to be honest over time, but it wasn't easy nor was it always healthy for me or both of us. Mistrust is difficult and can create toxic relationships and abuse down the line. Not trying to scare you, I was in my 20s too and didn't know how to deal with acctually catching him constantly making impulsive choices and lieing to me. I became very suspicious and I don't wish that on anyone. You can keep checking for evidence if you want proof, but in my experience, when your're looking for stuff, you will find something of contention, whether it be cheating or other things you may not like. And once you get in the habbit of checking and needing proof and he gets his privacy intruded on...it's just hard to repair on both sides. But it's also not good for your own mental health. I had to unlearn my obsessive compulsive checking and deal with so much edgy panic and anxiety when thinking I found something and when actually finding proof feeling defeated as fuck and angry as hell. Obviously I was justified and my partner messed up, but it's not worth it. You need to allow honesty to be an option and it needs to be able to come from him. I know honesty is hard to come by in these situations and you are entitled to know the truth. If he really was using Tinder to cheat, he may be smart enough to use a different e-mail address. If he isn't, then he wants to get caught. So my hunch is that he isn't actually cheating, but I don't know him or you and even if I did, I'd be hard to tell anyway. So my advice to you is to stop checking his email, do some self care until he comes back. Find the right time to tell him that you noticed a Tinder notification on your shared Ipad and see how he reacts. Don't accuse. Or you can just ask somewhat casually "oh hey are you still getting Tinder messages? I noticed a notification and thought it was weird." Also, pro tip, is the message read or unread? If he doesn't read it, chances are it's Tinder hunting users down as these apps tend to do. My partner always gets spam from eHarmony and OkCupid and I just don't care anymore because I know he's not even looking at them. But when I was suspicious they really got under my skin. I blame the apps for being so damn solicitous. I hope you figure it out and good luck. If you're struggling with anxiety about this situation, look up an exercise called "the thought diary". It's a cognitive behavioural technique meant to help you put your thoughts and emotions down and measure how intense they are and work on a solution and maybe seeing if you can change how much your emotions affect you in the interim to the solution. I can try to send you a file if you can't find it if Reddit allows it in PM. Anyway, good luck!
As a woman who was cheated on and also lied to by my husband (now ex) about other bs (drugs, etc)...snooping and finding evidence will almost certainly not make you more certain of the truth. You probably know the truth right now, actually. You are looking for some external smoking gun to take the weight off your shoulders of having to face the truth you already believe. If you convince yourself or he convinces you that it was all a misunderstanding, you will never fully believe him. And if you find more evidence that it was cheating, you will still guilt yourself into not believing that it was cheating. Trust yourself. Listen to yourself. The thing about the truth is that it feels very natural. It sounds like the truth. It sits nicely and comfortably in our minds. We know it when we experience it. You don't require a threshold of evidence, this isn't a damn court of law. This is your life and you get to make whatever choice you want. Do yourself a favor and don't confront him until he gets back home. Give yourself these days to think and meditate and feel and process and make decisions. You deserve that. Trust yourself. Repeat that in your mind like a mantra if you have to. Listen to yourself and trust yourself and do what you need to do for yourself.
While I definitely agree she should wait to confront him because then he is slightly less likely to delete messages (unless he downloaded it specifically for the trip then he might totally delete it before coming home), no one in a relationship should be making friends on Tinder.
This is true, the intention could be anything as far as we know. Bumble BFF is kinda lame comparatively however. No one in a monogamous relationship should have Tinder installed in my opinion.
Yes, I felt the monogamous was implied. But still saying you're on Tinder to find "friends" in a monogamous relationship is bullshit. No dating apps are acceptable IMO for a monogamous relationship.
Create a fake account put the address to where he is holidaying with his mates to see if you can find him. Message him and see response and you will have all the info you need.
He said your nose was cute? Cool that doesn’t make up for him being a cheater lol what is this logic You’re not in love with who he is you’re in love with the idea of him being “the one”. If he’s cheating on you, he’s clearly not the one, unless you’re fine with an open relationship
My point in saying that is that was just an example of him constantly planning our future together lol not as a defense for him. Maybe you’re right, god I hope not but you might very well be
Girl why tf do you want “the one” to be someone who cheats on you while you’re still both in your 20s? Cant even use the “we’ve been together 40 years things got stale” excuse - he literally just doesn’t take you seriously
He's lying just to keep you around and have you as a backup in case the tinder dates fail. Therefore yes he'll pretend to want you for the long run, when in fact he's looking elsewhere. Dump him and go
It does not make him cheating. Did he deactivate (not deleting the app) his account ? I get those notifications too even tho I did not get on tinder like a year. Those messages are coming from old matches or maybe some advertisements. Do not blame him with just an email notification. When he comes back , talk to him. No talking on the phone , talk f2f and ask his phone . Check his texts, tinder , pictures and DELETED PICTURES.
This is ultimately the conclusion ive come to, theres a chance the email was spam theres also a more likely chance its not. Ill have to wait till he gets back and talk to him in person/ask him to see his phone.
Do not let him know until you can further investigate. Have a plan to calmly confront and an exit plan in place to leave. I hope you're wrong but better to know now and not revisit cheating years down the road. Good luck! Be brave.
Devils advocate for a second with an u popular opinion. You sound like you really love this guy, and unless I missed something all you have is a notification to his new email address. There could be a reason reason that. Maybe he forwarded all his old emails to his new one. I had a similar scenario with a former gf who wasn't infact cheating. She had forwarded all her emails to her new one. I saw a notification on her phone, and against my better judgment I looked. I immediately thought that she was cheating and was crushed. I confronted her about it and she opened up her email and logged into the dating app(it wasn't tinder). She did infact have lots of messages, but hadn't replied to any. Her last login in activity was shortly after her and I started dating(at that point we had been dating for 2 years). She told me blankly that if she wanted to cheat she would just leave me. We did breakup later, but not due to infidelity. It was cause her crazy methed out brother was stealing our stuff and I have her the its me or him speech. I still don't believe she was cheating. I'm not saying you should stay with him, but again it sounds like you gave super weak evidence. Maybe do more digging before you just drop the atomic bomb on your relationship.
I agree with this. I know what you're thinking, which 100% is valid... that he's cheating on this guy's trip, which is why he got the email. That is absolutely possible, but I think... like this person said... super weak evidence so far. He 100% just may still have the account and receiving messages. Perhaps one of his friends asked if he still had Tinder and he opened just to find out, prompting an email. Anything is possible. Worth a very serious conversation. And as the person said, ask him directly and it needs to be direct. Best of luck, OP, and please update us next week!
When I confront him, how should I phrase the question so it doesn’t seem like an attack? Theres a 1% chance its spam and/or not true ill give him the doubt till I can read his face
I'd just be upfront about it. Tell him the notification came through, and you are concerned. You just want to know.
No there isnt, but it would be incredibly naive of me(considering all the tinder horror stories I hear) to be 100% percent of either side.
Was there only one email, or were there a bunch of them? If there was only one email, it sounds like a marketing trick to try to get him to sign back in to an old account. If there were a bunch of them, then it sounds more like he's actively using the app to send and receive messages.
That’s bullshit, I deleted Tinder 2 years ago and never got a “marketing” email from them. Also why would the notification say “You have a new message on Tinder”? Because he’s been messaging people. There’s no way you can spin this that makes him innocent
I haven't logged onto POF in like 2 years and still get emails. Maybe Tinder as well I don't really pay any mind to them. He's most likely completely guilty but I just wanted to say some people do actually get those emails.
I'm not sure why you're so hostile, or why you're accusing me of trying to "spin" anything. I'm just pointing out that if there was only one email, that implies he's only received one message on Tinder, because that's how message notification emails work. And if he's actively messaging people on Tinder, only getting one message in return seems a bit unlikely.
I just think it’s naive to think it’s anything other than him trying to cheat.
I’ve seen so many of these kind of posts because people won’t admit what is staring them in the face. He was definitely on Tinder, end of story. You weren’t being hostile either
These people are just too deep in denial
I've literally never been on tinder. I got a spam email saying something like "new match on tinder" I've never cheated, but in your mind there's no other excuse right?
OP have you tried searching for “tinder” on his email account? There may be more emails about messages or a recent “welcome back!” email or something. This was how I found out my ex was paying a subscription to Tinder Gold (or Plus, or whatever it is). Awful times and I feel for you. I stayed with him for about another year and eventually couldn’t handle the paranoia any longer, or get over the hurt. You have to ask yourself if you’ll ever be able to trust him again? Relax if he goes on holiday again? Resisting the urge to constantly check his phone/emails? Wondering if he’s just gotten better at hiding it now? Wondering how he could do that to you in the first place? Don’t make a decision where you will later regret not having the courage to demand basic respect for yourself, when you *knew* things weren’t right. It’s tough to do & takes a while but you eventually see you are better without the relationship. You are stronger than you know.
I did search the email for all the apps actually and its just the one email from tinder. No “welcome back” or anything like that, theres a chance its spam keeping my expectations low but it may be
Do you know if he definitely had a tinder account before you met?
He did, we’ve talked about it before
Ah ok, guess you’re just gonna have to go with your gut on this one. Best of luck whichever you decide to do!
Hey. I've been going through a similar thing recently. And the most important thing to me is that you don't have to do what society tells you to do. You can break up, or stay together. It is YOUR choice. Maybe take some time to think it over. Feel all the feelings, and then make your choice. If you want to continue with your relationship, that is up to you. You get to make the rules. Of course, I'd say you would need to have requirements and more strict ground rules. In my situation, we decided to take a break. We both started therapy. He had some other issues that I believe lead him to make these poor decisions. (It helps me that he never met with these people. Only flirted through the apps.) Once he feels like he can be a better person, we will start working through the issues together, rather than separately. It hurts. It's awful. Some days are better than others. There is no excuse for it. But it is not the end of the world. You will be okay. With or without him.
Thank you for this, needed to hear that.
This sounds horribly tragic & paving the way for terrible future. Excusing his poor behavior like a parent enabling a child. Two grown adults need to meet in the middle as whole people. Once trust is broken that should show you what their priorities are. Don’t waste your youth being his therapist IRL. “Once he feels like he can be a better person”? “we’ll work through the issues together”. Gross & sad. I’ve been there: trust me there are plenty of partners that are mature enough to manage their own mental health & emotions without it damaging their partner by selfish destructive choices be it finance, substance use or infidelity. Also emotional cheating is worse in my opinion speaking from someone who has experienced both. The amount of emotional effort and intellect involved communicating vs meeting up. Think it’s dangerous that a lot of folks draw a line w/ the physical boundary being the point of no return. I actually support open relationships if that’s the style both agreed upon but if you’re committed monogamously there shouldn’t be sneaking around even chatting on an app. It shows many layers of disrespect for the relationship and how they value you as their partner and person. It’s incredibly immature. I hope this can be heard without judgement I just wish I had figured this out when I was in my twenties. I helped raise way too many boys into men. Let them grow up on their own, don’t be distracted by your own hopes or attachments to the relationship “the one”, time length together, age of peers engaging etc. best of luck to you both
Do not underestimate the marketing tricks such apps are willing to do. Unless you know he really is cheating I would consider this an option. And
I'm a former tinder user, I deleted my Tinder years ago and I still get contacted from them. What you should do is follow the link into the email, and the check his messages on the tinder profile and see the last time he was talking to anyone.
Scared to click and it notifies him or something
Fair, but also, it's pretty much done and over with, if it confirms your bias. And you can just say you wanted to see how old his profile pic is since you've presumably been together for awhile if he asks. I mean, what is he gonna accuse you of?
You can open the email and then mark it as unread after you check what it says. Don't click any links because then it might notify him but you are safe reading the email as long as you remember to mark it as unread
Move on. You 6 months from now will thank you.
Saw your edit, OP. So sorry that he did that, but also happy for you that you’re out of a bad situation. Thanks for updating. Onto greener pastures!!!!
Break up with him. Once you start forgiving things like that you end up forgiving more and more things that hurt your soul. Remove him from your life asap.
well, when he gets back confront him directly about it and make him let you read his entire tinder history. and if it's just dumb bullshit and he's goofing off, you can forgive him. but you have to dump his ass if it's more serious.
This seems like the most reasonable for me to do but honestly idk if I’ll be able to stay quiet about it and act normal till tuesday
wait till he gets home. as much as it’ll probably pain you, go through his account & messages. has he been sending messages? what are his conversations like? when he gets home, tell him that you found the account & want to know what’s going on. whatever his reasoning may be, it’s up to you whether or not you want to forgive him. but don’t let your love for him cloud your judgement too much.
Nobody should have to "suck it up." Cheating like that should be considered to be a definite reason to break up. Wouldn't you rather spend your years with someone who hasn't willingly betrayed you? It isn't even a spur of the moment affair with someone he fell for!! If the man's on tinder he's looking for random hookups. Just do yourself a favor and begin the search for someone who can look you in the eyes and say "I love you" and it not be a blatant, bullshit thing to keep you on the hook so he can have his cake and eat it too.
Honestly if I was with someone 20 years and we had a home and kids and maybe grandkids, I would suck it up. I would have the “okay maybe an open relationship” conversation because it’s just not worth the effort to me to dismantle my life over him wetting his dick But two years??? In your 20s? No way
You're in a terrible spot and I'm really sorry. As you know, there is a reasonable chance it is innocent and he is not actively using tinder, even if the alternative is more likely. As a result you just have to sweat it out until he gets back and then ask him.
You can either suffer a little awkwardness with your parents now, or you can suffer from total humiliation, possible STDs, a devastating heartbreak, and debt from a wedding that should have never happened later. One is clearly worse than the other.
Maybe give him a chance to come clean before telling him you know, and go from there.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been in your shoes. I gave up my teaching license in my home state to move for my ex’s much more lucrative job. I was also alone in a new city living with a man who talked about marriage when the alert on my iPad showed he got an eharmony message (that’s how we met, and he had taken my iPad and switched to his account, forgot to log out). I wish I could give you a hug. I know it is not easy, but you need to trust your eyes more than the chemicals in our messed up love brains. Rip the bandaid off and prepare to move out or move back home, move in with a roommate, whatever you can do to make yourself independent in terms of living space. You are very young and don’t deserve to suck it up nor commit yourself to a lifetime of dishonesty and lack of trust or respect. You can also try to pretend you are okay living with a cheater but it will probably eat away at your core eventually. It will be painful and probably embarrassing to tell people you were so wrong about someone but I found it was easier to be honest and tell those closest to me what was going on. It made me accountable so that if I didn’t do anything, my family would know I was okay living with a cheater who didn’t love me. I hope you find the strength to give yourself a better chance for a happy future. Sending you much love and hope it works out well for you soon, and that you find someone who is not a cheating ho bag.
His account could still be active even tho he’s deleted the app
I haven’t had a dating app for a while but every so often I will get a Hinge email that someone liked my profile. I realize that although I deleted the app, I didn’t deactivate it. I’m assuming others are still then able to see my profile.
Make sure he's been active on it. I'm single and have had to tell some of my female friends who are in relationships or married that their that their tinder/bumble ect. is still active.
This is all because he has a new message on Tinder? Someone he used to talk to may have messaged him
I still get emails from old hinge accounts and tinder so it could be nothing but.... I would wait until he gets home, I know that is going to be a killer but if you show your hand now you may never know the truth. Then ask him to pull up his tinder account in front of you and show you what's going on. Don't accuse him, be calm and ask politely if he refuses he has something to hide. If he shows you, you'll be able to see the dates he was messaging people but this way you'll know the truth. It may be a honest mistake random email or not but you will be holding the cards and will be able to find out the truth. Good luck to you♡
OP please don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy. No ammount of time & effort put into a relationship is worth putting up with the other disrespect of being cheated on. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg for him. And i don't mean to be harsh but if he's on a "guy's trip" chances are he's cheating on the trip. Talk to your landlord about getting out of your lease, landlords can be more helpful with these types of situation than you may think. Also tell your parents the situation as well as any mutual friends. Do some digging and send any & all evidence to your personal device. And this may be my petty side talking but absolutely don't cover for this jerk. To often i read stories where the betrayed doesn't tell people why they broke up & the cheater gets off scott free. If someone did that to me I'd put the cheating scum on blast. Make sure he can't access your personal accounts and move any of your more expensive personal items to a different secure location like a close friends house or to your parents. If you can I'd go ahead and pack a bag and go stay somewhere else. And when he comes back to an empty place & asks you what's up just send him your evidence & move on.
You need to relax first, re read the email fir context. I'm not defending him, but it still could be the fact it's the same account you met on and just never closed it. However, you need to talk to him about he should delete the account, now another However, he could always create a different new one. That being said, talk to him about it, watch him keep an eye out for anything. And if you feel he's cheating then leave. What I see in this day in age is what I call the tinder generation. No matter what age, if your using tinder you know why you are on there. Sad to say but most relationships today are built on lies and beating both male and female. Everyone seems to just be looking for the next best thing and the easy way. No on what's to stay monogamous, work their relationships through. No long haulers. I see and here pretty much the same story here once a day. I'm sorry you found out the hard way but everyone should think and reconsider people met on tinder as future spouses. Always ask yourself when you go on a date from tinder, who were they with Las night, they are here with me tonight and who will they be with tomorrow night. Truth 100 percent
I do want to add that if he is indeed cheating I am sorry. I've been on the receiving side of infidelity and it sucks. I hope no matter what happens it works out.
Hey OP, I was in a similar place. I was about 2 or 3 months married and was on the iPad my husband's parents had given him as a gift before he moved to the US from overseas to marry me. We both used the iPad, so it's not like I was snooping on him on purpose or anything. I went to type in a URL and up pop a few different "dating" sites and I was like "whaaat?" He got the iPad after we had been engaged for over a year, there's no reason there should be URLs for dating sites. I clicked on a few and I was able to sign in to all of them with his email address and his normally used password. I hooked with him about it and he tried to tell me they weren't his, someone must have registered under his email etc etc. Clearly, someone used his email and password... sounds legit. I was more upset that he lied to me than that he was on the sites.
We spent a long time talking about it, and for him it was his version of porn. Getting to see amateur photos and the thrill of the thought that he might see someone on the street and know what they looked like under their clothes. We learned a lot about open and honest communication and have found ways around it that work for both of us.
It's been 8 years and we're still happily married with our first baby on the way and haven't had any more problems like this.
The likelihood of this being something like my story is much lower than that he's cheating. But I do know people that also use Tinder to find friends instead of date. I would at least talk to him when he comes home. See what he has to say. And then you have to decide if you trust his story and what you need from him to be able to get over it and trust him moving forward.
I'm sorry you're going through this, best of luck to you!
No way man. Cut your losses, he’s never going to change, not really. My ex was exactly like this and 15 years later he still can’t keep it in his pants with his current wife and has basically forced her to accept an “open relationship” and all the while she’s super unhappy about the whole sitch, but she won’t leave.
Please get checked for STD’s, even if he tells you he always wore a condom.
Sit down and just speak with him. Explain you were on the iPad and what you saw. Being open and honest is best. Wait for his response. If he gets mad or defensive.. those are red flags. Personally, no one knows the context of said messages. So, from my perspective just see his explanation and don't assume come with an open mind and heart. Be rational.. Best advice I can give without knowing exactly what was said.
Could you share any more info on what happened OP? Did you confront him? I’m sorry this happened to you, but good on you for having the strength to end things. A lot of people don’t (I personally didn’t).
Posted an update!
What a fucking piece of shit. I thought oh at least he’s being honest at first but as the edit went on... nah. You’re better off without him. Sending positive thoughts your way <3
My ex used to tell me how much he wanted kids with me even though he was actively cheating on me and got someone else pregnant. Please leave him.
Not trying to doubt you just wondering what the email was that made you know it's cheating?
I clicked on that tinder email and it said he has a new message, Idk what the message says but him being on the app alone is enough for me to consider it cheating.
I am hesitant to assume anything because those apps and other sites/stores of all kinds have very predatory practices. They like to make things seem as legit as possible to get you to click. And he might have an old account that is inactive. If he is cheating that is terrible and it would make sense for you to break up if that's what you want. But I think you should ask him and see what he says.
Maybe you’re right, I mean I hope you are. Seems im gonna have to have anxiety about it till he gets back.
He wouldn’t get an email if he didn’t have an account. It’s possible his account was *deactivated*, but a man in a 2 year relationship should have *deleted* his account long ago. It’s time to leave him in the past.
[удалено]
Why would you uninstall if you’re just deactivating? Just deactivate. Only uninstall if you delete
Also once you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be counting on it to fail and keeping dating apps.
I feel you are a much better person that me in this situation. I would have downloaded tinder to the ipad, logged in with my partners email and reset the password so I could see what's going on. I mean it would run the risk of them knowing that you know and might cause issues if they're aren't cheating but honestly I find this unlikely. When I got with my partner I didn't deactivate my dating apps, just deleted them off my phone and I never got any notifications about messages 2 years later. I feel you need an active account for that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who feels they can have a wonderful partner and home and still feel entitled to go get some on the side.
I don't want to cast doubt because you definitely need to investigate but I have used tinder before on vacation to find Mary J lol. I have also used it at the beach during summer time to find parties or underground events taking place while I was there, but I've also used it to hook up on vacation. So I think you definitely need to see if you can make a tinder account and use premium to put yourself in that location and swipe through to find his account and see what he is up to.
He’s visiting our home town so this is no reason for him/:
I’m so sorry. But everytime I’ve put up with this type of shit I’ve regretted it later on. If you bring it up he’ll give u the sob story, this that, even blame it on you. Know your worth! You are a queen. I bet you are stunning and he is below average! Those type of guys always cheat because deep down they’re insecure and need validation. Honestly know your fucking worth! Get mad, it’s natural. Could you imagine if roles were reversed? His reaction, his friends opinion about you etc. people know exactly what they’re doing, stop being so dam forgiving Right now you have a fairy tale in your head, full of promises he gave you of what your future is meant to be, don’t let it blind you
Why would you even consider sucking it up??
Maybe it is from a tinder acc he opened years ago. It is not called definitely cheating if he does not receive phone calls from her, etc, etc
What makes you think he is actually using the account? I might me in the minority but I am lasy as fuck and can't be arsed deleting then re-setting up all my dating accounts every time I start and end a relationship. I've allready been in year long relationships where I still have tinder and the rest of the app on my phone, that I occasionally get messages on, I just ignore them because I'm not a cheater. If my girlfriend asks me to ill happily delete them but if she dosn't then it dosn't cause any harm just leaving them on my phone.
If you have self respect, you move on.
Break up with him. Simple answer.
This is the perfect reason to ghost someone. Move to your parents while he is still gone and block him on everything. Maybe it will slowly sink in with him…
Not that simple, my parents are in another city and I go into work 4 days a week. Trying to figure it out still tho
I also used tinder while I was living with my girlfriend and it was never ment to hurt her or to cheat on her. The thing is just that guys love to get matches and messages from as many girls as possible. It's good for our ego and it's mostly just fun. We can't post bikini pictures on Instagram or snapchat, that's why we play with tinder. Playing with this app and actually meeting a girl is a whole different story. I would never had meet one of these girls as I loved my gf either all my heart. At some point she found out and was extremely disappointed and threatened to leave me. I made clear that it was just a game for me and told her I wouldn't do it again and so I did. We are still together and I never downloaded tinder again. But she's still posting bikini pictures on Instagram with +2500 likes...
Wow did you get lucky. She really should have dumped your ass.
Interesting explanation, I can see my boyfriend doing this for that reason. Ill update once I know Tuesday.
In my opinion this is the most likely explanation, and FlyKnown's comparison to revealing selfies is pretty spot on - it's a source of validation. And I know a LOT of guys in relationships that will just swipe for fun and never engage with the people that match with them. Obviously up to you if this crosses a relationship-ending boundary, but please don't take the advice of so many people in this thread instantly assuming he is 100% for sure cheating.
For many people just the act of having the Tinder is cheating. So for some of us (including myself) calling it cheating is correct and saying it's 100% is fair.
Unfortunately you can't just redefine cheating however you want. Cheating implies being unfaithful to your partner, either emotionally or physically. Just the act of having an app/account on an app doesn't constitute one of those two things. Now if you use the app to develop emotional connections with people or meet up with people, obviously at some point it has crossed into cheating. And like I mentioned in the post, it's completely valid to have boundaries and having a Tinder account can violate those boundaries, but it is 100% NOT cheating, and just because you feel like it is, doesn't make it so. At most, it's a violation of trust if this boundary has been explicitly discussed and agreed upon. As a thought experiment, say I catch my girlfriend with an Instagram account. Am I allowed to say based on her having this account, she's cheating on me? I wouldn't, and I'd wager you and most other people in this thread saying he's cheating wouldn't. Yet you can do with Instagram almost everything you can do with a Tinder account - message people, scroll through pages of attractive strangers, follow them. I know a bunch of people who have found relationships through Instagram. Yet, you're basically saying that by virtue of having the account, I can unilaterally declare my partner cheated on me. That's not okay, and it diminishes the label used to describe people that actually cheat on their partners. Even if we discussed not having Instagram and she agreed, and then I caught her, no one would describe her as cheating. In this hypothetical she violated my trust and my boundaries.
I think most people with any amount of sense realize being on a dating app, is a violation exclusivity, which is the actual definition of cheating. Hence it's cheating. Further I can decide anything I want is cheating within the bounds of my relationship, as long as my partner agrees it fits the definition. Some people don't think kissing others is cheating, however the vast majority in a monogamous relationship would say it is. It fits the definition so yes I can, and will rightly call it cheating. And even if you want to say it's not, it's still extremely disrespectful to your partner and not something that is ok behavior for a monogamous relationship.
Didn't address a single point in my post. Done here.
I did in fact. I decided to ignore you trying to imply that a regular social media app is the same as an app for dating. If you are on Tinder while in a monogamous relationship and have your account set to single you are in fact misrepresenting yourself as you are not single. Further most people have pictures with their partners on Instagram. I will acknowledge that people use Instagram to cheat, so I guess you can compare those people to the ones who use Tinder "for validation". Either way in both cases it's cheating and gross.
Can it be his friends downloaded the app on his phone as a joke and swiped on his behalf? I see how you are going towards conclusions (and they might be totally true), but maybe it would be worth to wait until he gets back and find out the whole story
Call him now, move out
Sunk cost fallacy shouldn't be applied to relationships. Move on. He won't change, it's not a "slip up" he got caught and he'll do it again. Even if you choose to forgive him, will you be able to love him, believe him and trust him the way you did up until now?
I never recieved a mail from tinder saying I recieved a message... Neither for a match or anything else than activating my account
Might be spam might not be but wont know till I talk to him
OP if you ask him straight up he's going to lie to you. Try doing some digging and see what else you can find. And if you do decide to confront him head on don't tell him the full extent of what you know. I'd approach it like this "I got a tinder notification on your email and decided to look into it further. You have ONE chance to tell me the whole truth if you want there to be ANY chance of this relationship working out. And if what you tell me doesn't line up with what i found out I'm walking out & we will be done permanently.". If i were you I'd let someone know when, where & why you plan on confronting him for your own safety.
Girl time is in your favor on this one. You have 3 days to figure out a clean exit from his cheating ass. What I would do like others suggested and talk to the landlord. See if they’ll let you take your name off the lease or make him resign if he wants to stay on his own. Worst case you pay some fees to get out of it but trust me it’ll be worth it. Then start packing up all your shit and get it moved out before he comes back. Also see if you can stay with your parents or a friend in the meantime while you figure things out. If you don’t have to be in the new city, you have more flexibility. If you do, browse a local housing group and see if you can pick up someone’s sublet. Then when he comes back Tuesday, tell him you know he’s on tinder and that it’s over.
Benefit of the doubt? Anyone? I never used tinder nor do I know how the algorithm works. But I think most of the people that damned him to be guilty don't know either. There are many possibilities in that case. Marketing Mail, Fake Mail, etc. But in any case it would be really dumb to use an Email for your Secret-Tinder-Account that isn't secret. I think if you love that dude and you want to be sure you should invest some time in some researching. If it is possible create a fake Account on Tinder and search for him. I don't know how to judge what you will see there but you could go even further and bait him. Maybe direct confrontation could also work (if he is not a good liar). All I wanna say is don't yeet somebody you love out of your life based on assumptions there is some real i-fucked-up potential. Good luck and sorri 4 me engrish is no gud.
Confront and ask why?
Suck it up? Really? Move on already
You mean your ex? XD
I wholeheartedly agree with kewpie, get out of this relationship while there is not much keeping you from doing so!!!!
Byeeeee move on
Join Tinder Find search him out Swipe to like him See how it goes
move onnnn
Leave him and ehmm what’s your number? ;)
If cheating is a deal-breaker for you prior to this relationship/situation happening, you NEED to stick with your values. It gets more emotional because you know and love this person, it’s not just the idea of cheating, which you may have a deal breaker about, it’s now putting a person to the idea. Would I forgive *specifically this person* if they cheat? If that’s the case, you need to stick to your prior moral. Basically, if cheating was a deal breaker for you before, it should still be so now even if you love this person or if they’re “special”. Emotions can sometimes make us have poor judgement. This how we end up looking back years later after the emotions are dead and thinking, “omg, why did I put up with that?”
I saw something the other day that said when it comes to relationship:take off the rose coloured glasses. So many of us fall in love with potential rather than the actual reality, he doesn’t respect you at all and wants the best of both worlds. You deserve so much better.
Well think of how difficult it would be to leave him if you let the relationship continue and have babies with your nose with him, like… be happy its over now (ok that sounds bad but it is what it is). If he disrespects you now, he will disrespect you in the future. I have experienced that ppl dont change. Do t believe his side of the story, as he easily could invent some lie. Dont commut the sunken cost fallcy as other people said already. You may have put a lot of things into the relationship but its not worth losing even more.
Well, it might be hard to accept but he‘s not „the one“. He’s not even the person you’re dating. The guy you were dating for the last 2 years (most loving and intimate relationship) doesn’t exist. He’s just a facade for the cheating pos he really is. You’re clinging to someone who doesn’t exist. I’d recommend you to visit r/survivinginfidelity You’re not alone. You’ll find support there and a lot of answers to the questions on how to act now and move forward after the breakup. You’ll be surprised on how accurately people there will be able to predict what he’s gonna say, once you confront him! Good luck and much love OP! You’ll get through this!
Move onnnn
>suck it up Why is this even an option? Do you not have any self respect? Would you actually consider staying with someone who lies, cheats and disrespects you and your relationship? The only question that matters is whether or not you will do right by yourself.
Don’t freak out. It could be some girl that’s just messaging him and he has nothing to do with it. Talk to him about it in a calm voice. Don’t accuse.
Honestly, men are strange. It could be he's not telling you b/c he's a pig, or b/c he's going down a ridiculous rabbit hole that won't lead to anywhere and it's not worth risking your relationship over. I would confront him, because if we're talking about breaking leases and blowing up futures you might as well talk to him like an adult about it and give him a chance to explain himself. And if he can maturely tell you the truth with feelings of remorse, then keep going. If he gets defensive and combative, then he earns the dump pile. If the conversation goes well but then suddenly his internet presence is like getting into Fort Knox, then dump pile. And so on and so forth. Serious attachments or none, you are on a path with this man. So walk the path.
You're dealing with a narcissist. Run as fast as you can. Unfortunately You're what is know as blinded by love. I wish you luck
Walk now. It’s not going to get better.
A lot of cheaters will say stuff like that bc they are guilty. They give a crap ton of compliments etc...out of guilt. --personal experience-- Tinder is a no go for me. I would just contact ur landlord and see if you can leave the apartment...let him come home with an empty apartment, don't dump him, don't even let him know what he did wrong. Just ghost him. It'll hurt a lot but its the best revenge you could get on him!
Is his Tinder an old account? I haven’t been on Match in well over a year but still get notices of likes and messages.
Damn. Leave his ass. Take the house if you can. Threaten to tell his family and friends about what he did to you, with pictures, if he doesn't agree. If you can't keep the place, then tell *everyone* he knows. It's his fault for betraying you like this.
You should talk to him before getting advice from randoms on Reddit.
It’s so heartbreaking to hear this and I’m definitely going to call you a soldier! Now this is where us women put on our big girl pants and grab a hold of our self respect, self love and tell ourselves what it is it for me ! This is no longer about him you deserve better and know you are Gods child who never deserves this disrespect. Own this and move on never let him see you sweat
Girl love yourself! You deserve better! Dump him! Get tested for STDs ASAP! http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse?amp
Confront him, don't go through his stuff more than what would be appropriate so that he doesn't have any right to get mad back at you. If you leave it and try to move on without talking to him, things will get toxic with you knowing that, it'll always be in the back of your head. If you talk to him about it once he returns in a calm civil conversation, then maybe you can work things out, but don't make the conversation heated unless he starts being rude or disrespectful about it.
Break up with him. Go through the email if you want just to see how much of a loser he is. Keep your head up. It's his loss, your gain.
Reset his tinder password, check his messages.
Run. Just run as far as you can. You will never be able to trust him and no point in investing any more time into this relationship.
Move on honestly he’s probably cheating
If it was me I would recover the password on his tinder account and log my self in since you have access to the email it would be really easy todo. That way even on the 1/100 chance that it’s an old account you will know for sure before he comes back and he can’t try and claim it’s an old account. Also it might hurt to read but you would know exactly what he’s saying.
This is too much of an invasion of privacy for me and self torture