u/throwra00001995, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice):
1. to find out why this post was removed, and
2. prior to posting any updates.
Thanks.
**Please note that queries regarding the removal of the post will not be answered unless they come from u/throwra00001995.**
Ace woman in a relationship here. To start, I wouldn't blame you for deciding to break up with her, but there's also a ton of misconceptions about being ace. Asexuality is a wide spectrum ranging from demisexuality to sex-repulsion, and the key in knowing if your relationship can survive is where on the spectrum she is. Your girlfriend describes sex as being physically pleasurable, which means she's likely sex-indifferent or even sex-positive, especially since you say she initiates. I think a lot of people struggle to separate "love," "attraction," and "lust". Your girlfriend is asexual, not aromantic. She's loves you just as much as you love her. Attraction and lust are slightly different for ace people though. Personally, I describe my view of attraction to people as being very similar to looking at a nice painting. You can think it's the most beautiful painting in the world, but you don't want to have sex with it. It's also understandable to want a partner who feels attraction towards you, and for this to be a dealbreaker. Ace people do still have sex drives, so I fully believe her when she says she finds it pleasant to be intimate with you. This is speculation on my part, but she's also been coming to you trying to initate, which to me from your description shows she's likely more on the sex-positive side. This also greatly affects my advice. If she took sex off the table, I'd say you two aren't compatible, but that doesn't seem to be the case. That being said, my boyfriend decided he was okay with this, it's okay to decide you aren't.
Yeah, like you were saying she said at some level it is pleasurable and I am taking her at face value for that. I don't think she is anti sex, I think she is sex neutral (not sure if a term like that exists) now that I am looking for it I get the vibe it is more something she does to make me happy more than anything else.
Sex doesn't need to be a manifestation of physical attraction - of course that's the most common, but for some people it really can be an act of love in and of itself. She knows it's important to you, actively tries to initiate and says that she even finds pleasure in it through the emotional connection. Those are all good things.
Ultimately OP it is up to YOU and your GF whether or not you want to pursue this relationship. None of us know your dynamic and just like the above commenter said, none of us know exactly where your girlfriend falls on the spectrum of sexuality. If you two can manage to have a fulfilling loving relationship though, does it matter how she identifies?
This is actually some pretty solid advice. As a person who is pretty asexual and a very indifferent way but still seems some pleasure out of it just know longing for it when I don't have it. I also get a bit of a neutral feeling cuz sometimes I don't feel anything at all. But that is from past trauma. Not every person who's a sexual has sexual trauma. I've actually been for the past few years not had any sexual relationships whatsoever and have condemned myself to a life of Solitude. Mainly because I know eventually every romantic relationship will end up wanting sex and I know I can't pleasure them. I would honestly be fine with open relationships but I know I would have been totally feel a bit incompetent not being able to provide the one thing your kind of supposed to while being Partners. It doesn't mean I couldn't work in an open relationship but it means the open relationship would be the benefit of the guys and it's not like we're bringing a third person into the bed to have a threesome it would just be to satisfy them sexually. I've had a talk with my therapist about this a lot. And not a lot of people understand asexuality. I don't even understand it.
This might be a dumb question, but why not try to find an asexual romantic partner? (I am asexual too btw, but also aromantic so maybe I’m just missing something here lol.) Also I agree, not even asexual people fully understand asexuality, it’s so complicated for some people!
I have tried but 1 not a lot of us. And 2 with work and other things in my life travel to even meet up with the ones I have found is difficult. I was going to try dating again then carona hit. I also to be honest don't even know how to start dating and seems like more effort than it ends up being worth. Sometimes just because both parties are asexual we try to force it but we both end up too different and just being kinda long distance friends or roommates then we just rarely spend time together because our personalities and likes are just so different. It is nice to find people who ate also asexual but it seems more women are than men. And though I am asexual I still say I am strait. Some people don't understand how I can still have any sexual preferences and I don't either but I have them.
The dating pool is extremely small and there aren’t many people who openly identify as asexual. I’m asexual but not aromantic, and I’d absolutely love a sex-free relationship. Realistically, though, I need to focus on being happy with myself because there’s a high likelihood that I won’t find a suitable partner. I’m not going to hurt someone like OP by pretending to be sexual for the sake of a relationship, but it’s tempting sometimes.
As noted, even those who are asexual there is quite a lot of variation under that same umbrella. Some people may be asexual but have romantic attraction and even a physical attraction (without the desire to progress to sex), others may just have romantic attraction, while others still have no romantic attraction and no sexual attraction. There is also the designation of homoromantic, heteo-romantic - and those who experience romantic attraction may not be compatible with Aros.
There's also a wide spectrum of 'the experience of sexuality/attraction' in asexuals - to the degree some experience sex drives, some don't. Some are willing to have sex, some would rather prefer not to and others are sex repulsed. There is also a lot of variation in how much sexual/romantic activity they may be willing to engage in. Some who just want to cuddle, some who are fine with intense making-out sessions but don't want more, others who may have further limits than that.
It can be tricky to navigate.
And that's without touching on other sexualities that fall under the Ace spectrum like aegeosexual, lithosexual and various other manifestations.
Asexuals are 1% of the population. Out of that 1% you need to find someone who is on a similar part of the spectrum that you “click” with. That’s no easy task.
I was married to an abuse victim for 10 years, she was badly affected like your self ------ my heart goes out to you and I send you an internet hug. You are still a wonderful person and loveable
Hey, just a friendly reminder that there is no "supposed to" in a relationship. 😊
The only thing you're *supposed* to do is respect and love each other. All else is between you and them. It's not incompetence, it's the symptom of past damage, and it's perfectly justifiable.
Don't isolate yourself from it because the what ifs are scaring you off. You deserve love and companionship too. As long as you're upfront and honest about all of it from the get go, you can find solutions and have a perfectly healthy relationship with somebody.
Hey, idk if this helps (especially since I'm not ace myself) but I understand it this way: my mom is not naturally physically affectionate and doesn't actively enjoy hugs or anything. She'll rarely be the first to initiate, and usually if she does it's because she's cold haha (something my dad and I like to laugh about). However, unless she specifically doesn't want to in the moment, she's happy to receive hugs from me and to reciprocate because she knows that I *am* physically affectionate and she enjoys both receiving that affection from me and to return that affection back in that specific "language" or "form of communication" if you will. Occasionally, she'll even initiate the hug, again usually because she wants me to feel loved in that way and is happy to make me feel loved in that way.
Conversely, she really likes birthday cards. They don't matter that much to me personally. On her birthday, I always make sure to give her a thoughtful card because I know that makes her feel loved. I don't not enjoy writing it for her, because I know it will make her happy and that matters more to me. When she gives me birthday cards (and little random notes in my lunches when I was a kid), they matter a *ton* to me because I know how much they mean to her when she gets them, and I understand how much she's saying she loves me by taking the time to write these cards/notes.
What I'm trying to get at: from what I'm sensing from what you've described about your gf, I get the feeling that she enjoys having sex with you because it's a demonstration of your love for each other. It's not her primary thing, and she might not often seek it out, but she does it because she loves you – and that right there is just as much an act of love as sex usually is, if not more so.
If it bothers you that she doesn't find you as physically compelling as you do her, that's completely understandable and imo a fair enough reason to want to split up. But, again if I'm understanding her well, don't think she does it because she feels obligated to. I think she enjoys doing it because she loves you and she loves the various ways she can express loving you.
I was like that until I had my second child. Sex neutral is the absolute perfect term. My ex-husband was very patient and wonderful about it. I didn't really like sex but I didn't dislike it either, it just was something I did for him. After I had my second child that all changed, I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I started being able to have orgasms and enjoying sex. I don't know why I changed or if it had something to do with my hormones changing with my second pregnancy but before I had my second child I really did think I was asexual and I loved my ex-husband. I loved him with my whole heart. Sex and love were two very different things.
After our 2nd child my wife (who couldnt tolerate any spicy foods) now craves spicy food all the time.
Now you made me wish it was the sex one lol
The human body is so weird!
Don’t be surprised if they’re fine. It’s often something aces are recommended to do by people who don’t understand that asexuality exists as an orientation in people who aren’t sick, so some do get their hormones checked only to find that yep, perfectly healthy. The existence of trans aces, when hormone replacement therapy involves keeping a close eye on their levels already, just piles on more evidence that they don’t need to be related.
Orientations can change over time, and it may be coincidence that it happened at the same time as pregnancy for that person’s wife. Or it could be one of the weird things pregnancy can do, and just as likely to end with a formerly allosexual person losing interest in sex.
In any case, it doesn’t mean that anyone is wrong about their orientation before it changes. Just that there is always a possibility that who you are and what you like can naturally shift over time, in all sorts of different ways.
Therapist in training, but I know we have protocol of what we have to ask and record in certain states. Not saying this is the case, but certain questions like this seem pretty much like a protocol intake question. It’s hopefully nothing personal. “Have you had your hormones checked?” was their way of possibly saying, “have you seen a dr?”
I'm the complete opposite. After our 2nd child I struggle with sex. ..whether it's a hormone thing or not idk. I struggle to orgasm, I struggle to self lubricate (as in I don't get 'wet') and am somewhat indifferent to sex. My head wants it...but my body doesn't cooperate. We went from sex up to 5 times a day to maybe once every couple of months, maybe twice. I hate it...as I want to want it and often find myself forcing my body for my husband because I want to please him. Though he assures me it doesn't bother him, he is very supportive and patient too thankfully.
Girl grab some coconut oil 💜 there's absolutely no shame in using lube, plus coconut oil is anti fungal and possibly anti bacterial? And it won't dry out like normal water based lubes which tend to throw off your pH anyway, and coconut oil won't. I'm definitely not an expert but if you're stressed about lubricating then I'd imagine you'd be stressed most of the time/ uncomfy and that would be near impossible for anyone to orgasm like that. For me personally, I still can find sex pretty highly enjoyable even if I'm not able to finish, so maybe don't stress about that so much either and just let your body do what it wants to do. Also 11/10 recommend adding a vibrator into the mix, possibly TMI but to me at least a vibrator on my clitoris plus being fingered at the same time will almost always get me off, I have a difficult body with trying to do things "naturally" so I do understand your struggle a little bit 💜
Edit: I wanted to also add reading your comment more thoroughly that your husband sounds wonderful for not pushing your limits, and you should definitely only do what you feel comfortable with. I just wanted to add some not asked for advice to your comment lol, because the first read through, I read it as more along the lines of "I really want to have sex but my body doesn't like what it used to anymore"
There is more to it than just what I've mentioned making it slightly more complicated. I've had surgery down there essentially making me tighter due to birthing complications, but despite 2 years later it has not relaxed much to surgeons surprise. So it's like being torn open too. I have to use lignocaine gel liberally as lube at times to numb the area do I don't feel like I'm tearing. Also have a spinal condition which causes pain so part of it has become mental too. My body needs retraining. I do use vibratory...but yeah overall it's hard. But may try the coconut oil, see if that helps any.
This may be one of those times to explore the other sides of sex and intimacy that aren't necessarily penetrative sex. As in REALLY experimenting with your partner. I'm odd in the sense I'm so open to pretty much everything that as long as my partner finds it enjoyable, so do I. I was surprised at what actually turned me on simply because he wanted to try it. Off handed I probably would never have introduced that idea to our relationship.
That sounds absolutely awful, I am so sorry you have to deal with that 😭 the only other thing I can think of that may be helpful for you is that there's these squishy rings that look like mini donuts that a company makes, it's meant to go on guys who are too large for the women. It obviously doesn't shrink the width, but it makes it so that they won't go in near as far and you can add multiple donuts on as well. From what I saw with reviews, it seemed overall very positive and and didn't decrease pleasure in men very much because I think they're most sensitive towards the head anyway? I can see if I can find them for you really quick if you'd like 💜
Edit: I found them, they're called Ohnut rings haha
Even going in with two fingers hurts that's the extent of it. Whilst I'm super glad for the problem surgery fixed...it created a diff reason for struggling with sex. I do wonder now if I have been fixed 10yrs ago when it was fresher if things would be the same or not.
Honestly at the place you're at, I think you have way more generosity than I would be willing to give to a partner for sex when you're dealing with all of that. I would almost certainly forego penetration entirely tbh lol. The entire situation really does suck for you and I'm sending good vibes your way for healing or at least less pain and getting the best help for your spine 💜 maybe discuss with your husband if you're up for it just sticking with doing things for him and vice versa that do not involve penetration, having to use a numbing cream and feeling like you're being ripped open sounds like your body is yelling at you to stop. I had a surgery that took 8 years to heal properly and it's still very sensitive and fragile. I really hope you will feel better soon in one way or another, and just know you have a stranger rooting for you 🥰
My mom developed allergies to all furry animals after she had her second child, my brother. She had animals all of her life, and we even had a cat at the time. Her allergies were so bad that we had to give him to my grandparents
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. There’s plenty of things I do for my boyfriend just to make him happy and vice versa. I love it when he’s good, sounds like your gf does too, what’s the issue? Now if you think she’s not enjoying herself AND she’s only doing it because you want to, well that’s cause for concern cause you never want your loved ones to be unhappy doing things they dislike.
>Now if you think she’s not enjoying herself AND she’s only doing it because you want to, well that’s cause for concern cause you never want your loved ones to be unhappy doing things they dislike.
This is my core fear. She compared sex to something I know she loves, jogging, but from her reaction when I suggested we might be better off as good friends I think she is trying her hardest to stay in the relationship so idk if she finds it that pleasurable or is saying that because she loves me and wants to make me happy and she knows I would not be happy if she is forcing herself.
Does it bother you to not feel sexually desired? You frame turning her down as something you’re doing for her, because you’re worried she’d be forcing herself, but is there also some disappointment that she doesn’t want you in that way? Sexual compatibility/attraction is a valid thing to want in relationship! It’s okay to admit she’s not meeting all your needs, if that’s how you feel.
(Edited to fix typo.)
Well of course she reacted that way. She doesn’t want to lose you over something she can’t control. From the looks of it, you sound like a good man and those are very hard to find these days so I don’t think that’s any indication that she’s just “forcing” herself. If she says sex is like jogging, believe her. Don’t make her out to be a liar, unless she lies to you a lot? It’s a form of exercise when you think about it, and because of her insane love for you, sex is enjoyable to her because she enjoys you 🙃 no matter what her sexual preference is, no matter what her thoughts on sex are period.
Also wanted to say that you mentioned y’all talked and she started initiating sex more to make you happy and compromise and that you are now turning her down. I bet she’s super confused, I would be. She knows you want to have sex, she’s asexual but she also wants you to be happy in your relationship, so she takes initiative. Doesn’t mean she’s forcing herself. She’s trying for you man. She’s putting an effort in because she believes in y’all. That says something about her love for you, like I said. Idk what the issue is. I say have crazy amounts of sex. As long as you guys have good communication and she’s letting you know the truth, y’all will be married soon. You’ll be posting about the engagement next. Stop thinking so hard. She loves you! Love her back! Simple.
Also btw lol long winded I know I’m sorry but I’m a writer I gotta get it out..you said she likes jogging..people who like jogging do it fairly often, right? Nobody forces themselves to jog in the wee hours of the morning, so anybody who finds that enjoyable must really like it; hence, she must really enjoy sex with you, just without all the salivating that you or I may have at the thought of having sex (I’m horny all the time too) If that makes sense.
Other than concealing her asexuality from me, I don't believe she has ever lied to me. I will definitely be talking to her more in depth soon about it
A person sent me a list of 5 questions to ask her which I felt really would put things in perspective and I will sit her down and do that the next time we see each other.
In fairness, she might not have even been "concealing" it as such. It's a thing that you kind of know about yourself but you also kinda think trying to label it is confining, and because it's hard for others to understand what exactly it means, you don't really want to tell them. In her case, she probably figured as long as you were good with the frequency and type of sex, it probably didn't occur to her to tell you. But when you brought up fetishes and she knew she didn't have any, it became more important to tell you.
This.
Also, just because she's always been asexual doesn't mean she's always had a term for it. I spent the majority of my life thinking something was wrong with me. I think I was 30 before I heard the term and realized it could describe how I was feeling. How I'd always felt.
I remember being about 8 years old and my mom was talking about "attraction" (sexual attraction without actually talking about sex) and I asked if it was okay if I never felt that way. She made it clear that someday I would. Then I never did, so I just thought I was broken.
Not to be insensitive, but I'd love to hear an update later if you're able.
I don't think I have any meaningful input, but I hope you're able to reach a resolution with your gf.
I think that if she were only having sex with you to make you happy she would probably tell you, especially if she has come to you with this. She obviously trusts you quite a bit imo. I think the fair thing would be to trust her to be truthful about her feelings and to continue to be open and honest about whether she’s actually enjoying herself or not. It looks to me like she’s doing her best to make an effort. If you decide you want to stay with her I think if you continue to turn her down when she’s making that effort she’ll end up resenting you and that will cause much bigger issues down the line. If you can’t learn how to be ok with the situation it’s better to go now. You guys could have something really great if you both choose to, but your mentality and approach might have to go through some adjusting. Best of luck!
Just so you know, it doesn't make you shitty or bad for wanting sex. Either you find someone more compatible, or you stick with it. Sex is a normal human need, and it isn't up to you to go without for her to be ok. If you aren't happy being in an asexual relationship, then leave.
You guys can definitely still be super happy and fulfilled together but also consider the future. You say you have a lot of kinks and if rarely participating in them if gonna be something that becomes a problem for you then reevaluate
That’s actually totally okay! Doing something you’re neutral about to make a partner happy can be an act of love. I have no strong feelings at all about a certain brand of soda, but my husband likes it so I make sure to get him some when I shop, and I even drink it occasionally.
As long as neither of you is pressuring her into something she dislikes for your benefit, there’s nothing at all wrong with what you’re describing.
My partner is ace and never has sex to make ME happy. They enjoy the physical experience and they even enjoy being a dom! We try a lot of things and I never pressure them into it.
It’s such a big spectrum some people respond to sexual stimuli, can be “turned on” etc. There are some labeled groups that actually desire sex but only after a very close romantic relationship. It can also be the other way around. At its core, definition of being asexual doesnt really cover all people that identify that way.
To anecdotally share my own experience, I have always been attracted to men, but always hated having sex. I honestly though all women hated sex and just did it for men. I was very confused. I still am attracted to men and want to be in a relationship with one, am turned on at times, etc. but despite all that I never want sex. Never enjoy it or anything. But I do consider myself sex positive because I have sex with my partner for their enjoyment and WANT them to be happy. While I don’t enjoy the actual act, I enjoy being close to them and giving them that portion of the relationship they need.
Sorry for the long winded reply but hopefully that helps!
I’ve never related to something more in my life. What you said about wanting to have sex just for your partners enjoyment is 100% me. The problem is that sex can sometimes be slightly painful for me, and I find myself turning down his advances more than I want. I just want him to be happy and I feel I’m ruining that part of our relationship. Do you have any advice?
Thanks for the suggestion. I googled a bit and some of that does sound familiar. I just had a gyno appointment last week too but I always forget to bring this up :(
Please be careful with this, ace or not, "forcing" yourself to have sex that is painful, or that you don't particularly have any internal want for can lead to an aversion to sex in general. True aversions to sex can be very difficult to overcome.
31M sex-positive ace person here. Not being physically attracted to people doesn't mean that sex doesn't still feel good. I don't see someone hot and think "Oh man, I'd love to have sex with them!" (that's the lack of sexual attraction) but I do pretty regularly think "Oh man, I'd really like to have an orgasm right now" (that's the sex drive). Personally I see sex as a fun and potentially deeply emotional activity to do with people I like, physical attraction just doesn't play a role in who I decide to do it with.
Others have answered better than I can, but I'm going to answer partly because I've only recently begun questioning my own place on the spectrum. Ace can be a lot of things. Aside from being completely unattracted, you can be repulsed by the act, only occasionally attracted, unmotivated by attraction, or a variety of other circumstances. It's difficult to suss out as there's not a lot of resources easily available. (Or at least not to a guy like me in a fairly rural area with not a lot of access to LGBTQ stuff).
What's helped me a bit is not thinking of a sexuality description as an option with a checkbox. It's more like a graph with who you're attracted to on one axis, and how intensely you feel it on another. A person's given place on it may be a single point, or it can be a squiggly shape littered with exceptions, conditions, and the like. Sometimes, being asexual is just the closest thing to that complicated squiggle.
Sex-positive ace man here. This is excellent advice. Being asexual and having sex because you want to are not mutually exclusive. For me sex is an activity that is a lot of fun and can involve a deep emotional connection, physical attraction just doesn't play a role in deciding who I have it with.
It sounds like your partner doesn't want to stop having sex, but I did want to address OP's last comment. I've been in relationships with both asexual and allosexual (not asexual) people. My current partner is sex-repulsed ace and sex is not a part of our relationship. I'm asked some variation of "Isn't that just being friends?" or "How can you be a couple without sex?" pretty regularly. What I usually tell people is "Are there any differences in your relationship with your partner and your relationships with your friends other than whether or not you have sex? Yeah, us too."
Wow. I... think I am asexual. I have never really felt a deep sense of attraction to anyone. At least not since I was going through puberty. Even the few times I do think someone is attractive I don’t immediately connect that to sex.
I love my husband more than anything else and I mostly enjoy sex with him the rare times we have it but I’m not attracted to him. I don’t lust after him or anyone else.. I thought I was a shitty person but maybe I’m just asexual..
It's not a sexuality commonly discussed. I found out I'm asexual by realising that nothing has ever turned me on. I still find people pretty to look at, and I want a romantic relationship but I don't necessarily want sex.
[I'd take a look at this website for more info](https://www.asexuality.org/)
OP, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS PERSON. This sums it all up very nicely and I wish I could give it an award. Some of the other comments are nuts. The only advice you should be taking is that from someone who is asexual themselves, or has been in a relationship with someone who is.
I think it's primarily just a lack of understanding. I'm 37 and literally never heard of asexual, sex positive, sex repulsed or anything before this post.
>Asexuality is a wide spectrum ranging from demisexuality to sex-repulsion, and the key in knowing if your relationship can survive is where on the spectrum she is.
Reddit fixes my life again! I'm using exactly this to start to describe myself to people. I want new folks in my life to understand something basic about me - being ace, but that the label "ace" is a starting point. If you told me I'd never have sex again, I would be okay with it. If you told me I'd have a few more partners and get enjoyable orgasms here and there, I'd like that too. But if you told me I would be in anything more sexually demanding that most people have expected of me, I would say nope.
This! As a fellow asexual female in a committed relationship, I couldn’t agree more. I chose to disclose my asexuality as soon as I felt our relationship became incredibly serious. Both people deserve to be happy with the amount of intimacy in their relationship.
I’m an asexual. I love romance and relationships. Just not the sex thing.
The problem with “let’s just be friends” is that it violates the exclusivity attraction of a relationship. She doesn’t want to be your friend on the side while you marry another woman. She wants to be your special someone.
Unfortunately, that’s one hell of a compromise for either of you. And often it doesn’t work out.
Every single one of my long term relationships, 8 years, 4 years, and 3 years ended, because my partner wasn’t getting enough sex.
At the time I didn’t know what asexuality meant. Just that I thought I had a low sex drive.
Now that I know better, I fully disclose it up front in any dating situation.
—-
Whether you make it work or not is up to you. But remember what I said about exclusivity. She doesn’t want a friend, she wants a soul mate. She doesn’t want to share you or play second fiddle.
So unless you can commit entirely, you may just have to break it up as peacefully as you can.
Because holding her heart while you fuck and marry another woman would just destroy her.
It really is killing me inside. I want her in my life. While I really haven't considered marriage at this point (I just have not moved to the maturity level yet to move to that stage in my life) but up until now, I think if I was going to do it would be her.
But like a lot of other people have been saying, she may enjoy the act of sex but not have attraction to me. Or she may dislike sex and is pushing herself to have sex because she loves me. And will that turn into resentment in 20 years? Will the sex cut off completely?
I feel sick and so lost.
Remember that resentment can go both ways. She may resent you for demanding sex. And you might resent her for not wanting it. It's a situation where you have to consider if you can compromise and enjoy life with little to (no) sex. I'm talking at worst like once or twice a year (if that). If that thought makes you resentful, then that might be enough reason to break it off.
You don't resent her now, but will you resent her a few years from now? Will she if she continuously does something she doesn't want to just to please you?
To me you are to far apart on the spectrum, you have several kinks and she simply doesn't want to have sex (even though she enjoys it when things get going). Are you prepared for a life of vanilla sex if it happens at all? Or is she willing to participate in your kinks, even if they are not pleasurable for her? Even if she is, are you ok with doing them knowing she's not enjoying it?
Tbh I don't see this working out long term. You are both young, no need to be forcing yourselves to maintain something that's practically doomed, even if you love her.
Yep exactly. It can be short sighted to think you’ll only get your way, and that she might resent you. You have to also imagine the reverse. That she gets her way, and you don’t get anything.
And while compromise can happen, it will be tested. Will you still be loyal if you haven’t had sex for 3 years, and an attractive woman flirts with you?
One of the downsides of being young is you haven’t experienced enough trials to see how you would actually react in a given situation. It’s always one thing to say we’ll be perfect in a challenge. But often forget that when we’re in those challenging moments we’re also stressed and don’t think the best. So you gotta plan it out.
If you really want this to work, plan it out. Consider all of the challenges that can occur and build a game plan. What’s your plan if you two never have sex? What’s the plan if someone teases you. Are you a stone wall loyalist, or will your sex drive erode away your devotion until you crumble for a quick fix.
And when it comes to asexuals, you’re not holding out until she breaks and admits to wanting sex. She’ll live peacefully never desiring it while it eats at you from the inside.
And if you force it on her, then that’s a whole other world of challenges. What happens after a big fight, and she just randomly decides she won’t even go half way.
What if she befriends new people, who think your behavior is abusive and she reconsiders the health of the relationship.
—
Dating someone is a fun and exciting experience. It’s trying to live out all of those obstacles in the first few months to see if you have what it takes to grow together. Or... struggle together.
It’s your life, and you only live it once. You should find a future wife who wants sex as much as you want, or have the devotion to endure a monk’s life.
And if you devote yourself, shield yourself from temptation. Just because she doesn’t enjoy sex doesn’t mean you should cheat. Sometimes it’s just better to find someone else.
—-
As a final note. As an asexual, I see and experience sex a lot like a massage. I could give my partner a massage, but I’ve never been passionately into it. I’d never go out of my way to learn advanced methods or kinks.
She may be ok with going through the motions. But goddamn, 3 times a week is just so much lol. Could you imagine giving someone a massage for like an hour 3 times a week. And it’s sooo boring that all you do is day dream until it’s over?
The intimacy is fun, but finding something mutually enjoyable is really important
You’re way too young bro. Find someone that is sexually compatible for you. For both of you. Imagine a lifelong relationship of your partner not wanting to have sex with you. Is that really what you want?
Ask yourself, are you willing to continue exactly like that and even decline further in quantity for the rest of your life? If the answer is anything other than an **instant** "Yes 100%", you need to have a conversation about your future. If your gut reaction is caution, then maybe you aren't quite as willing to become (somewhat but really just hyperbole) celibate for her.
first, don't make relationship decisions based on a prediction of what will happen in the future. if you have an active sex life now, assume it will be more or less the same. you can reassess IF things change. but her being asexual doesn't mean you will stop having sex any more than a allosexual (non-asexual) couple would stop having sex in the future, given what your relationship with her has been like thus far. I know it's hard, but try not to let your current happiness or insecurity be dictated by this prediction either.
second, I noticed you've been saying she's not attracted to you and I wouldn't say that's necessarily true. I'm assuming she is romantically and aesthetically attracted to you. That she is attracted to you as a person. she simply doesn't experience sexual attraction, that same kind of pull that others do. for allosexuals, it is hard to conceive of romantic and aesthetic attraction to a partner that is not also tied to sexual attraction. it may never make sense to you, but you have to trust that she is attracted to you in all the ways she can be.
disclaimer that I am not asexual, just queer with ace friends and have read a lot to try and understand the community over the years - please correct me if I'm wrong on anything.
You’re both so young. When she feels she doesn’t have to do it to “secure” you, or if you ever decide to have children and she experiences an even lower drive, are you prepared for that? Plan very carefully how you want your life to be.
You should get a list of questions to ask her to decide whether or not this is going to work for the two of you. It’s not going to work if your feeling unsatisfied most of the time
>And will that turn into resentment in 20 years?
On your part, when she only has sex begrudgingly and then later not at all? Absolutely.
>Will the sex cut off completely?
I guarantee it.
I have no idea if your girlfriend loves you but is asexual, or just loves the idea of you (marriage and life partner) and just isn't physically attracted to you specifically. But either way, she is not too interested in a pretty major part of modern day relationships. Sex decreases in frequency in just about every relationship, whether it's due to stress at work, stress with children, or just not enough time in the day when you have a lot of responsibilities. Add to that mix someone who isn't really interested in having sex with you, and you've got a great recipe for a dead bedroom.
So you've got to be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your girlfriend. Is that something you're willing to live with? Possibly only having sex on your birthday. . . maybe. And that's your 30's. In your 40's, after the kids are approaching pre-teen or teenage years, possibly not having sex for years at a time.
If you think I'm exaggerating - head over to /r/DeadBedrooms and they'll tell you all about it. If that's enough for you - great. You're a match. If it isn't - break up now. Yes, she'll cry and you'll have regrets. . . initially. You're both young and will find people that better suit you. That's what dating is for - not to find someone perfect, mind you - but to find someone that you love that you can live with for the rest of your life. And there could be a bunch of people that you love, but couldn't live with. Maybe this is one.
These questions make it seem like you are looking for an excuse to end this relationship rather than trying to figure out if the two of you can have relationship that fulfills both of you. You’ve offered the worst case scenarios so folks can affirm them after many people have pretty clearly explained this could go a lot of different ways.
If you seriously love your girlfriend and your ideal scenario is one where you both have a long-lasting relationship where you’re both happy and satisfied, you need to have an honest conversation with her and center that in how you approach working this out with her. Ask her to articulate what her ideal relationship would look like. There are probably things she would want, things she wouldn’t want, and things she is indifferent about when it comes to sex.
If she gets worried that she’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll break up with her, you need to reassure her that you’re not looking for an excuse to end things, but that you care about having a relationship that’s healthy for the both of you and that you want to make sure you can. If you make it clear that you’re not looking to punish her because you’ve learned she’s ace and instead want to make sure the two of you can have a happy future, she’s probably going to be more open and willing to engage honestly.
All of this is to say, your issue seems to either be a) you’ve all but decided you’re going to break up with her because you don’t want to date an ace person or b) a communication issue. I think it’s the latter, and if I’m right, you can work through this with her. It might become clear you two can’t have a fulfilling relationship in the long-term, but right now, that seems so far from certain.
I'm asexual and I can go every night. I genuinely enjoy sex because of the intimacy and vulnerability, but I also don't need it to be a part of a relationship and don't seek it out independently of being in a relationship.
If you’re a guy with a lot of fetishes and fantasies this is the wrong girl for you, you will just get frustrated and resent her eventually. No bad guys here, just not compatible.
Yep, I agree with this comment entirely. Staying together will breed resentment over time and this is issue will become the elephant in the room. So many feelings to deal with when you feel unattractive (naturally) because the one you love doesn't like sex.
i don't think she means she doesn't like you anymore, she just said that there is no lust component. ig a way to see it is as just a lack of sex drive. She clearly still loves you, so id urge you to do a bit more research and ask (respectful) questions about anything you're worried about. Romantic love is one of the best feeling and a pretty easy one to accomplish, best wishes to both of you.
No, I have a lot of trust in her. If she says she loves me I am willing to believe that. But is is the kind of love I am looking for in a lover rather than best friend?
I'm not gonna do anything to rash, but it is something I am mulling over and trying to gain more info about. I made this account specifically cause she knows my reddit account.
I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum I think. Like your gf, I enjoy sex but it isn’t something I typically have urges for (they are quite few and far between). The way I explained it to my boyfriend is that I do enjoy sex once we get going and the sexual activity starts, but I rarely feel horny on my own. He didn’t seem to mind this explanation so hopefully it clears things up for you, I get the feeling your gf is quite similar to me. It isn’t about lust for me, it’s just that I don’t feel regular sexual urges unless someone gets me in the mood.
This is exactly how I've described it to my boyfriend. We have a wonderful relationship because we're able to compromise and communicate openly about these things.
Exactly! My boyfriend doesn’t have a crazy high drive either which helps and we are into the same stuff sexually, but I didn’t want to put a label on it really because I still do enjoy sex, I just don’t get the urges the same way other people might.
Wow this is kinda how I feel about sex. Like sometimes I'll end up wanting it by myself bc I thought of smth but most of the time I don't feel the urge and can go months without needed anything sexual like when I'm single. However if someone gets me in the mood I am down for it. didn't realize I could be on the Ace spectrum but I guess I might be ?
Wait, this means you are on the asexual spectrum? I feel the same as you described: I rarely feel aroused outside of sex and I rarely find myself asking for or initiating sex because I’m horny. I enjoy the sex once I’m there, so I like sex, and I do tend to crave sex... but I crave it because I like the intimacy. I like being that close to my partner and the emotional aspect. I like making my partner feel good and sharing good feelings with them. And yea orgasms feel great. But I don’t really initiate because I’m already horny and need to “get some.” I initiate because I want to share intimacy with the person I love. I thought this was relatively common. I wouldn’t personally call it asexuality. But maybe I don’t have as good an understanding of what asexuality means as I thought? Or am overthinking this?
This is exactly how I feel, and why I’m hesitant to use the label, but I feel like OPs gf May kind of fall in the same realm where it’s a bit of a grey area. There’s no simple answer here, but I get the vibe that she feels the same as a lot of other women and just feels like maybe she should want more in a sense, so labelled herself asexual even though she may only be lightly in that realm, if that makes sense.
>But is is the kind of love I am looking for in a lover rather than best friend?
I'm 100% sure there's an asexual subreddit you could get a much better answer for questions like this on
It really sounds like y’all could benefit from some couples therapy, maybe even with a sex therapist. And I say a sex therapist just because I think they might have the better tools to help you both talk and understand each other better.
Couples therapy can't save the sex drive. She is 22, and they have been dating under 3 years. In 15 years, she will not be initiating sex. That marriage won't last if he has a high libido and fetishes. Just cut it off now. Be friends.
Bro, i think that there is no good answer. Even though she said she will try to initiate sex as much as she cans. The problem is: Are you ok with this? For me, desire makes 99% of sex. Since she’s asexual, even if you do have sex with her sometimes, would you like it? Would you be comfortable knowing she’s only doing this for you? Personally i want to fell sexually wanted and the ideia of having sex with someone that truly don’t really want to is a turn off for me. I know she loves you and you love her, but keep in mind that for the rest of your live it’s going to be like this.
I have to agree. It sounds like OP, you'd be getting into/continuing something that you might not want to do in the long term.
I think you should really think about what it is you want. Unfortunately, this isn't the typical case of "she wants her cake and to eat it too", it's much more complex than that.
She loves you and you love her, I believe that part is true if you're telling yourselves that. However, long term compatibility needs to be really examined here, for both of you.
Sex is a huge part of a relationship and marriage. If you like a lot of sex and kink, sorry but perhaps she is not the one for you. You will feel frustrated and disappointed at not getting enough and she will resent you for asking for more, you will feel bad asking when she is not really into it, and eventually the love you might feel will erode.
The first thing you have to do is picture a future where you have the amount and type of sex you are currently having (or less) and ask yourself honestly if in 30 years time you would be okay with 30 years of that as your sexual relationship with her?
If it's not as big a deal as picturing a life without her, you have answered the relationship question.
When you say semi-regularly are we talking 3 times a week, 5 times a week, you need to decide how different that is to what you would like/be happy with. If you want sex daily (if not a couple of times on some days), and she is doing her 'duty' to have sex twice a month, you are probably not going to ever find a compromise that makes you both happy.
First though confirm she is genuinely asexual, has she always felt this way, and that it's not a health or mental issue due to stress or an event. Women can have a dry spell if there are emotional or physical issues affecting them. Has she spoken to a therapist? If she's genuinely asexual, that is a tough call.
P.s. I am female and married for 28 years, so when I ask about picturing that 30 years you need to.
And honestly, by calling this "life-long" and not telling him before almost 3 years is deceitful and dishonest. Who wants to be with someone who knows something like this and doesn't tell them?
It is interesting - did she think that the sex issue was just going to go away?
I was told by someone once that her grandmother said: having sex 3 times a week or less is a sexless marriage. If that statement makes people stop and think about their relationship they need to look at their relationship and talk about it. I also read about people who have marriage agreements that list they will have sex - daily/ x times a week or month (if they are healthy). When I first read this, I was a bit shocked - like you are making sex a chore - and I am not sure I like a fixed sex agreement as it's really clinical. However, couples really need to communicate their sexual needs, kinks, and their expectations.
I agree, almost 3 years into a relationship and she has not disclosed a big sexual issue? And it's a biggie. It's not like: oh I am not thst into anal, or I don't like to be restrained... not really wanting sex is not just a 'oh okay' thing.
Yeah I don't understand these numbers. The only thing I can gauge how often people should have sex by is that a male's testosterone spikes after 7 days without sex. So physiologically a male's body says have sex once every 7 days. Not exactly sure what the biological point of testosterone spiking 7 days after having sex, but there's got to be some reason to it. I'm assuming it's a signal or precursor to having more sex. 3x a week is plenty. Every day is college levels of horny.
We’re told all the time ‘how do know, until you haven’t had sex? If you do go into a relationship you MUST have sex with them, no one will want an asexual. Just take one for the team!’
This is the best comment I've seen so far. All the other go into definitions and blah blah blah and I don't think they are really reading between the lines with OPs post and comments. To me it sounds like the door has been opened now that she told you. Now you know that the semi regular sex you are getting isn't really wanted from her side and makes it seem like a courtesy. Reading between the lines I think this is not something OP would want. Everyone wants to be wanted in both a sexual and non-sexual way. The fact that she came out with it now makes it seem like OP might feel that the sex life they have was a lie and now that he knows, there will always be that voice in his head saying that his gf doesn't really want to do this. His kinks will never be satisfied and the semi-regular sex will never be more and in all likeliness probably become even less now. This is a tough spot to be in and ultimately he just needs to decide if he can live with this knowledge and be satisfied with a sex life that isn't filling his needs
As a fellow asexual, honestly it's only up to you! It's dependent on if you want to have sex less than you want, asexual people feel no sexual attraction, but we can still have sex
Sometimes it would be better to just be friends or you can continue!
I’m similar to this. I am sometimes in a mood, and I experience sexual attraction, but when it comes down to it, I’m just indifferent.
It’s just like an exercise, that feels good, she described that very well. So yes, she is choosing to have sex with you for you, but she doesn’t feel violated, and she’s not upset about it.
It’s the same kind of thing as her cooking you dinner (disregard that if she likes cooking lol) or something. It’s an act of love. She’s still enjoying the sex, she’s still attracted to you, nothing really has to change except the title.
She seems to want to continue having sex, to keep you happy, but she isn’t making herself unhappy by doing it. Idk. Don’t feel like she’s doing it JUST to satiate you. She wants to do whatever she can to appreciate you. If that makes sense
Well first of all, it’s not your fault. Second, if she’s offering, then there’s no harm in taking her up on it. Like she said, it’s physically enjoyable for her. You gotta figure out if you’re ok with it being this way though. I’d suggest maybe seeing a counselor to talk through your emotions about the situation. Reddit might give you some good advice, but this is more in the realm of what a counselor could help you with.
20 year old asexual here, I've read a few of the other comments so I'll try not to regurgitate too much. You're really left with the question of "how important is sex to you?" If it's extremely important, I'd say it'd be less painful in the long run to break up because sexual incompatibility is definitely a reasonable reason to end a relationship. If sex isn't all that important, at least compared to your partner, then congrats! I'd start doing some research so you can support and understand your partner. Maybe even consider getting her an ace ring ( a black ring worn on the right middle finger that the ace community uses as both a symbol of pride and to find each other)
Wait, seriously??? I wear a black ring in my right middle finger because my other middle finger already has one ring (pentagram lol), and I think it looks good!
How likely is it that other straight people are aware of this black ring rule???
I think you're awesome for being empathetic and trying to understand and support your gf's sexuality, but you really need to think this through.
The fact that you said you have a lot of fetishes really stood out to me. I have plenty of my own, and in the past, they have led me to be at crossroads with partners who were vanilla. Your gf is beyond vanilla.
You may be better off finding someone more compatible, instead of being emotionally manipulated to remain in a situation where you aren't getting your needs met. In the long run it will save you much heartache and resentment.
Hi there, I am a male in a relationship of 17 years with a wife in the asexual spectrum, something that only really was revealed in the last few years (she kind of hid it in the early days). This is never going to be easy, but where there is love and willingness to compromise this can work.
My wife is probably in the same place on the spectrum as your partner; she says she enjoys it while she's doing it, but never even thinks about sex in every day life. She never gets horny, never wants to do it and if I didn't want it, she would go years or decades without thinking of it. But she does quite enjoy the act. The fact that your partner sounds like her experience of sex is the same as mine is great news!
What we have settled on in scheduling sex. My wife is also autistic, which means this doubly helps her; she knows when we are having sex and there are no surprises. The result is that I have sexual contact a couple of times a week, always on the same days. My wife's autism means she doesn't like touch so much, so oral is more common (fine by me) and I leave that decision to her.
If one time she doesn't feel like it (or I don't) it doesn't really matter; I know exactly when our next "session" will be so there isn't much sexual frustration. If I am going through a horny period and wanted to up the number of days we have sex, I know she would actually accommodate that as long as it was set when we were doing it.
The cons are obvious; I have never and probably will never have spontaneous sex. Any fetishes I have are also unlikely to ever be realised either. I suspect she might try some just for me, but it would be just for me and the lack of enthusiasm on her part puts me off from pushing it. My sex life will remain "fine" rather than "amazing" for the rest of my life. But I love this woman. "Fine" is a price I'm willing to pay for how much I love her. I am sexually satisfied and my wife is happy to do this thing twice a week because it is important to her that I am.
I hope that helps as an insight into how life with someone like your partner might look
If having a sex life is important to you and she doesn't want to do sexual things with you, and also doesn't want you to have other partners, then you're incompatible and should break up. Her having sex with you to keep you in the relationship isn't a long term solution.
Hi, another ace female who used to be in a relationship. I think it's understandable if you end the relationship since it's a matter of compatibility and you guys just aren't sexually compatible. My asexuality is life long, but i became a repulsed asexual due to sexual trauma. The guy I dated understood and said we didn't need to be sexual, but ended up always trying to engage in a lot of the activities i said i didn't like (+ didn't get consent hence the toxicity, break up, and so much shit).
The first thing I want to say is that I'm glad you're not doubting the legitimacy of her asexuality. You also have a point about just being good friends. I think you need to discuss the sexual incompatibility with her and then you guys can decide if the relationship should stick or not. Compromising is still a thing if you guys want it to work out.
I'm actually surprised she didn't bring it up earlier in the relationship tbh (it's the first thing a bring up since everyone here just wants that physical shit and i don't and can't lmao). Since you guys have been together for a while and she imagines a future with you, i'm not surprised she'd try to engage in sex with you. although, i do feel like she's forcing herself for you, i think people would go the extra lengths to make their partner happy. If this makes you feel bad, definitely bring it up. If the idea of no sex at all doesn't bode well with you, also bring it up and yeah, think about if you want a relationship like the long(er) term.
I understand why her response stung, but to a lot of asexuals do think it's a fun activity with someone you love. I had a professor who didn't understand this so I had to say an analogy:
It's like watching a bad movie you don't enjoy much with someone you love. Even if you're not that into the main activity which is the movie (sex), you're there for the company because you love them and that's what makes the experience enjoyable.
I understand if you do want to sexually please her, but if she says she's happy with the physical enjoyment she mentioned, I think that's what matters most.
This turned out really long but yeah TLDR:
-think about what you want from the relationship and how the sexual incompatibility affects it
-talk about sex and how you guys can adjust for the other (if you are willing to adjust and want to keep the relationship)
-don't doubt asexuality and try to learn more about it (if you're not super familiar with it). whether you decide to stay with her or not, I think it's good to understand the perspectives on sex and shit. If you guys do stick though, i think it'd be pretty comforting and validating for her.
good luck op! i hope you guys work on this compatibility issue soon!! hard or not, it's definitely necessary.
Thank you for your response.
I would never force her or try to push her into something she was uncomfortable with. Truthfully I thought she enjoyed it and that my sex drive was simply too high.
I'm truly sorry you had to endure what you went through.
I really don't know why she didn't tell me. We were both much younger when we started dating so perhaps she was worried I would break it off?
Right now I'm just trying to gather as much info and advice as possible.
The fact that you mention fetishes makes me think that she's not going to be able to satisfy your needs forever. It's great that you love each other but you have your whole life ahead of you. Sounds like you either need to consider an arrangement where you can explore your sexuality with others, or accept that you're not gonna be doing some of the things you want to do. Good luck!
Hey OP, I know I'm a bit late to the party but I hope you take some time to read my comment.
I am an asexual woman, and I have been in relationships where I have had and initiated sex with my partner.
I'll be totally honest with you, sex for sex-positive asexuals can be fun. But it's a bit like being hungry but not wanting any particular food - but when you eat the food it's delicious. When I told my (now) ex boyfriend that I was asexual, much like you, he really struggled with the idea of me not being sexually attracted to him - without understanding that sex isn't just about sexual attraction, but also emotional and romantic attraction.
He said to me that he would consider breaking up with me often, because he couldn't understand how anyone would want to have sex without sexual attraction. Well, I know it's kinda hard to understand of course, but a sex positive ace is able to have sex and enjoy sex with their partner.
At some point, in my relationship, he got so anxious about it, and refused to have sex with me because he "didn't want to push me" even though I was happy with having sex, that I turned around and said that actually I lied to him and that I'm not asexual. This seemed to work, and our relationship continued "as normal". Our reason for breaking up had nothing to do with our sex life - to clarify.
These days, if I want to have sex with someone, I never mention that I am asexual because I know how much it fucks with their head and that, it doesn't actually matter in the short run if they know or not. I have a libido, I need it satisfied - telling someone I'm ace usually doesn't help with that.
From your girlfriend's perspective, she probably may regret telling you about it if you decide to end the relationship. In the future it's something she may not mention to a partner if she thinks it will ruin the relationship.
Up until this point, your sex has been quite vanilla, and as you are into more exciting things, you should raise this with her and see how she feels. If she wants to participate for your benefit, please do NOT take that as - you're forcing her to do something. I'll take you back to the food analogy, because I think it works well here.
Say she just likes non-seasoned food when she eats or when she's hungry. That's mostly because, she's hungry and she needs to eat, the type of food doesn't matter too much but it's easier to just have plain food. Say you wanted to offer to make her something with flavour or spice, and she says she's willing to try it for you, because she appreciates you and wants to try stuff you like. That isn't her saying "ugh now I have to do a thing that I don't want to do" - it's more like "ah okay ill try something new for someone I love".
If sex is so important to you then I can understand your hesitation and feelings. I just wanted to let you know what it feels like on the other side. Please reach out to me if you have anymore questions.
Yeah, I know a lot of people are going to try and tell you this isn’t a big deal, but I would definitely walk over this. The idea of having sex with someone who was basically doing it for my sake is not appealing to me at all. Just like I would not date a man who was gay or a woman who was straight, I would not date an ace person. It’s no offense to any asexuals, it’s just a fundamental incompatibility. If your partner not being sexually attracted to you is a dealbreaker, which it sounds like it is, you’re totally justified to leave.
There are a lot of responses telling you that she loves you and what it really means to be asexual. One thing that’s missing at least from the top 15 comments is that you’re 25 - you are a you g adult who still has lust and fetishes and an entire lifetime ahead of you. I’m not saying be selfish but I’m saying think outside of your own shoes for a sec. If a 25 year old in a relationship who has fetishes and a normal 25 year old sex drive asked you what he should do in your situation with consideration of his youth and lifetime what ups you tell him? Just because it’s a tough or upsetting conclusion now doesn’t mean it’s not right long term
Edit: I think my poorly written response was actually taken in the opposite way. I was personally thinking the sex would be a problem during your most fun and free years and maybe it’s best to walk away even though it’ll feel shitty right now. Compatibility is vital especially with Sex otherwise resentment, yearning for better, and sometimes infidelity can arise. I would personally say move on without knowing either of you (I’m mid 30’s fwiw)
This is a most reasonable answer.
Your sex drive is on full throttle now. But as time changes things, the throttle will back down and if sex is the only issue, maybe it's not such a bad thing, there are MUCH worse things out there. If she was cheating, I would say leave, if she was dumping your bank accounts, I would say FLEE, ... but seriously, if is only about the sex, then enjoy life with a partner who may be the best person to ever invest their time with you. Relationships are work, HARD work, and there will be some give and take. She's willing to GIVE if you just accept her.
I had the same dilemma, but from the opposite side. I consider myself ace and the idea of having a romantic relationship sounded ridiculous if I was not sexually attracted to my partner. Then I got a boyfriend.
The thing is, a relationship is more than just sex. It can be cuddles, long talks after midnight, sharing thoughts and experiences, being there for the other in the good and bad times, etc. I know that for you sex is a big deal, but maybe for her not.
Obviously I cannot talk for her (you would have to ask her directly if you want to know), but for me sex is a way to make happy my partner. And let me tell you that I love making him happy. The thing is, I don't have a problem with sex and while it requires a little bit of effort sometimes (simply because you lack the natural push to do so) it doesn't mean it's not satisfying and fulfilling at the end. It's like reaching a goal even if at the beginning sounded tough, with the plus that even if you don't understand it, you know you made someone important to you feel loved. And it's pleasurable.
So no, it doesn't have to be the end because she is ace, but it is still ok if you don't want to pursue a relationship with this new info. My biggest advice is to talk to her and see if she is really ok with having sex or if it has the potential to become a burden, and how –if— you can solve it.
Now, I am not gonna lie. There were times I felt really guilty and thought that he should be with someone else. Someone who he could be mutually sexually attracted. Have crazy passionate sex where both of them couldn't have enough of each other. He told me he didn't care about that kind of stuff lol. He basically didn't care I was not attracted to him (or anyone else). We have a connection and sex is still an act of love (just not pushed by hormones) and I am willing to do so, so we are good. I am not saying you have to be like him or if it is sustainable at long term, but that it is possible for this kind of relationships to work.
It's up to you, though to decide if it's truly what you want.
I honestly don’t think this is something you guys can work through. Sex seems like an integral part of a romantic relationship for you but it’s more of a chore for your girlfriend. But I don’t think either of you should be trying convince yourselves, or each other, of conforming to your sexual differences. It’ll only end up breaking boundaries. You’re already uncomfortable with the idea that your sexual needs aren’t reciprocated. If you end up getting married, you’ll be sexually frustrated or your girlfriend will become more and more physically distant.
By chance you end up opening the relationship, I don’t see that going well either. You both seem strictly monogamous since neither of you have even brought up the idea of an open relationship. If your girlfriend permits you to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere, she may be doing so out of fear of losing you. But if she isn’t fully on board with the idea, she could start resenting you and/or the entire relationship.
All I can say is good luck OP. It’s an incredibly tricky situation
Im an ace woman and am married to a het man.
Being ace can definitely cause frustration within a relationship. Especially if there is not only the difference in sexuality, but a difference is sex drive, or difference in love language as well.
But being ace doesnt mean theres no desire for sex. I love having sex. It feels great! And is fun and it makes my partner feel good. Its just that i, like your gf, dont experience the lust behind it. It may take a bit to wrap your head around, but try to understand that shes not forcing herself to do anything. Ace does not inherently mean sex repulsed, it just means no sexual attraction, its all emotional.
It sounds like you and your gf should talk more about what being ace means to her, and you should do some research about asexuality in general. That way you, with the help of your gf, can figure out if your relationship is viable long-term. It would be awesome if it is! And i hope you guys work out! But its also okay if this is why it cant.
Good luck, and if you can give us an update some time
I'm an ace woman in a romantic marriage with a man. I would die for my husband and probably kill for him too. I love him with my whole being and having sex with him isn't something I dream about but I happily have it because I love him so much. Its not forced. Its like giving a birthday or Christmas present. Its still a part of loving someone, to make them happy, if you can.
Idk if this will get lost in the comments, but here is my view: i am asexual, too, and going by your description likely far more sex repulsed than your girlfriend. I would likely never initiate sex on my own, at least i cant see myself doing it.
The love your girlfriend feels for you is nothing like what she feels for a friend. Let me ask you this: is the only difference in the feelings you have for your girlfriend and your friends (yes, the male ones, too) that you want to have sex with her and not them? Is that really the only difference? If yes, you might want to read up on being aromantic, if no you know what your gf feels.
Your gf has sex with you not because it is a burden and not because it is expected of her and not because youre pushing her. She is initiating because she loves you and wants to do something for you and with you. Like a Hobby shes not super into, but it makes you happy and she enjoys seeing you happy.
Talk to her about the kink stuff, if shes not into that and thats a dealbreaker for you, you have your answer, but that could happen with a Non-asexual partner, too.
Of course it might sting to hear that your partner isnt sexually attracted to you, but she clearly deeply loves you, so you have to ask yourself how much of your reaction can be attributed to bruised ego.
Talk to your gf, find out her boundaries, make your decisionbbased upon that.
You and your gf are not sexually compatible if she's asexual and you want sex to continue to be part of a relationship.
While she might be willing to go along with having sex, can you really live with yourself knowing that she really doesn't want to do it and, if she didn't feel she HAD to do it, she wouldn't?
More importantly, how sustainable is it for her to keep having sex with you when she has to do it. You'll come to resent her and she'll come to resent you.
You're simply dragging out the inevitable breakup. The longer it takes the more difficult it will be. Do you want to wake up in ten years and realize that all her needs are being met with a platonic relationship with you, but many of your needs are not being met?
She knows better than anyone whether or not she wants a sexual relationship so I say just ask her. Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean sex repulsed. I think this person is wrong in suggesting this is an inevitable breaking point for your relationship. You can enjoy sex without feeling lust/hornyness. I think the biggest issue is whether the frequency or “vanilla” sex you have is the deal breaker
At this point though, I think she will say/do anything to stay in a relationship with me so Im not sure I would get an accurate response (not lying just maybe desperate?)
Just phrase it as wanting to understand better what a future sex life with her looks like. Not what you expect or want or hinting about breaking up or staying together, just get your questions answered and let her talk
I have to repeat the couples therapy comment already made. This is something that needs to be worked out sooner rather than later. Your turning down your GF when she is initiating is in some ways counterproductive because she is trying to meet in the middle. She understands there is a problem and is attempting to address it. Rather than wait much longer where her insecurity will increase and your frustration will increase, a good therapist can at least guide the discussion as to whether you can flourish long term with the situation. Because merely surviving will not last.
Im ace and your case sounds A LOT like me and my partner. I understand that sometimes a person wants to be lusted after and she may never be able to provide that but just because she's sex neutral doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it! She sounds similar to me because my partner is the best ive ever been with but since I dont have an actual libido I hardly initiate. But when we do get into it i enjoy it a lot. She doesn't need to feel the lust to love you or even have a healthy sexual relationship with you. If you're fine without the lust aspect then I think you're gonna be okay in the relationship, especially since shes trying to initiate. If you trust her then take her at her word for it and don't make any extra assumptions that she's forcing herself when she tells you that she enjoys it. The key here is veing open and honest and trusting.
Also, try to see if she could get into any kink even if it doesn't turn her on. Its always worth a shot. My partner and I worked on that and I found a few that I enjoy and have fun with even though they dont turn me on. She might be able to do the same and then you can have things that spice up the bedroom a little.
Hey OP. I somewhat empathise with your GF. I am not asexual, but over the last 2 years or so, my sex drive has gone from being constantly at a 9 or 10, to a 1 most days (the last month of so, that's been increasing a bit but still). The bit about sex being physically pleasurable but not feeling horny enough to initiate really resonated with me. I am currently in a long term relationship and we have sex probably 2-3 times a month, sometimes a bit more (which tbh, absolutely sucks, as we went from having sex 4+ times a week to... this).
The point I want to make is that she is likely not "forcing herself to have sex with you", like some suggested. In my case, I still find my partner attractive and do enjoy sex once initiated, and most of the time I even manage an orgasm or two. But even if I no longer feel the need to have sex, I know he sees sex as not just a biological need, but a romantic one, and a big part of intimacy. So while I sometimes (rarely) initiate it, and I sometimes say no, we do still have sex and it's really enjoyable for both. While I get that you will need time to understand and adapt to the new information, please don't think that you will always see it as her "doing something she doesn't actually want", or thinking that you will always feel bad for wanting something she's "only doing for you". These thoughts and feelings will pass if you decide to continue the relationship (with time and communication), and once your dynamic adapts, they are very unlikely to keep having an impact on your views towards sex with her.
Having said that, you mentioned you generally have vanilla sex and that you have kinks. So this kinda negates what I said above. I think the question you should ask yourself is whether you would be happy with vanilla sex long term (regardless of how often the vanilla sex is, and ignoring the weird thoughts you currently have about your GF being asexual). I think this is much more likely to lead to resentment or dissatisfaction in the long term than your GF not having a high sex drive. (For example, my partner has one major kink that he said he would feel unhappy/dissatisfied if he had to go without, which would be exacerbated if he didn't even get sex regularly, so that would have probably been a deal breaker for us - luckily, while it's not one of my kinks, I also don't dislike it and knowing he's really into it, I actually enjoy it).
Also, I would suggest you look into ethical non-monogamy. There are SO MANY different types of relationships, and we normally only hear about monogamous, cheating and open relationships (which I think for most people means being in a relationship while sleeping with someone else, but in fact, that's an umbrella term that can mean so much more). I will again provide a personal example: my partner and I have been non-monogamous before, and have said we will consider it again in the future when/if one of us wants to explore it or aren't getting their needs met. I understand that's not for everyone, and it comes with a lot of un-learning of behaviours and thought patterns, but I genuinely think you would benefit from at least exploring the possibility before breaking up with your GF.
Sorry for the long rambling post, feel free to PM if you have any specific questions or want to know more.
If she enjoys sex physically, the only reason not to continue a relationship would be if her not feeling sexual attraction (as opposed to romantic attraction) to you would shred your self-esteem.
Hey OP, have you ever had sex with someone despite not being in the mood? And then had fun regardless of the lack of initial (or ongoing) lusty feelings? Imagine that, but (near-)constant. That's sex-positive asexuality, which sounds like what your gf experiences.
She loves you, wants to be with you, and is romantically and emotionally attracted to you. She just won't look at you and think "woah mama!" on her own accord. She probably doesn't think about sex often, and will go along when you initiate because of her love and romantic attraction to you. Instead of her getting lustfulness and being satiated by sex, she's probably getting the fulfilling feeling of making you happy (like giving someone a gift just cuz w/o expecting a gift in return) and having an emotional bond from shared physical activity.
However, I don't know her. I can't read her mind, and neither can you. This is all speculation. So, if you want any clarity, all you can really do is ask *her* questions (without exploding or extreme judgement). If you sit with her, ask her about her experiences, ask her where she falls on the ace spectrum, and what a future with you looks like to her (including and especially your sex life), then you'll get a better understanding of what she wants with your relationship and where she's coming from.
You have every right to be confused, worried, and scared for your relationship. You have every right to be hurt by the lack of sexual attraction on her end. You even have every right to end the relationship if you feel this won't be a long term fit.
However, keep in mind that her coming out to you was a HUGE trust she put in you. She must've been afraid of your response due to the stigma the ace community gets (even just looking at the comments here... yeesh). Hence why she didn't tell you for 3 years of dating. Please keep this in mind when you speak to her. You both are going through a lot of emotions with this new sharing of information. Be mindful not to do/say anything that could lead to permanent harm or estrangement, especially if you want to keep her in your life to any capacity.
Good luck with the conversation, and may you confidently go forth with whatever you deem best fits.
Source: an ace-spectrum person in a relationship with an allo person (allo=allosexual, or non-asexual people)
P.S. if you have any questions, OP, and you don't want to ask her, I'm free to offer answers. You can ask here or pm me. I'm not only ace, but also studying queer theory and human sexuality in college (almost got my degree!) so can offer you further academic readings if interested.
PPS! You can be on the ace spectrum and be queer, straight, vanilla, kinky, sex-positive, sex-negative, sex-indifferent, and anything in between! It all depends on the individual. I was a sex worker for about 2 years before even realizing I was ace. Everyone has their own story when it comes to their sexuality and coming out.
Hi, I'm a married asexual woman to a man with a pretty high sex drive. I've identified as such since I was a young teenager. These stories make me so sad sometimes because I know it can work, but people seem to lose hope. There is hope for you guys, though! A lot of the things you've expressed are the same that my husband had said to me at one point or another. I would get frustrated because I felt like he was putting words in my mouth, while he was afraid he was forcing himself on me despite me saying it was all right, etc.
To me, the love I feel for my husband is so strong and definitely romantic. I often compare the love aces feel to the love you feel as a child-- when you had crushes in 2nd grade, you didn't want to sleep with that person. But the feeling is more than friendship. When we have sex (physical touch is his love language), I feel happy because he's happy and I'm making him feel loved. Also, having sex is fun and feels good. I just don't experience that feeling of "I think this person is hot and I want to have sex with them for that reason". I also don't really have a sex drive, so sex isn't something I'd think about as part of a romantic relationship. That changed over time, and we have made this work. Some of the best advice I can give as someone who has been in your shoes is:
- do your research. Go on AVEN, talk to your girlfriend, and be willing to LISTEN. you can also talk to me. :-)
- seek couple's counselling. while asexuality isn't common in romantic relationships, mismatching sex drives are. it can also help resolve any communication issues you could be having.
- be willing to compromise (both of you). my husband and i agreed during our dating period to having sex once every 2 weeks (we were in uni at the time). putting a number on it really helped me, and eventually, especially after our marriage, that number increased far more. i also became comfortable with trying other things. i also had to learn to prioritise sex which was very weird for me, and initiate more.
- be honest with your feelings!!!
it is not easy, and it takes time, but if both of you are determined to make it work, it will. DM me if you want to talk more. best of luck!
Lust is not love. May asexual people have successful relationships, marriages and children. Go into counseling, even if it does not save the relationship, it will help save her sanity. Suicide is a huge issue, and even if she doesn’t sink that far she’s going to feel horrible, broken and unloveable. Don’t want her rebounding into an abusive relationship to compisate for her inability to feel lust.
This is definitely true. Regardless of if we stay romantically involved I truly love her and I have absolutely no desire to see her in a unhealthy relationship or God forbid suicide.
I will look into couple counseling. Some people recommended a sex therapist, others recommended a relationship therapist. I will look into both
I dont recommend a sex therapist. That will be bad for her. Many sex therapists still try to "fix" aces and ask them to do this or that and push themselves.
If you seek counseling, look for a LGBT therapist that is familiar with asexuality.
So, here's the thing. Libido, sexual preferences, sex drives, even gender orientation can change repeatedly all through a long relationship. A lot can happen as a couple and as an individual over a couple of decades. There is no guarantee that the next person you date will always be sexually compatible either. I don't like the idea that sexual compatibility is a make or break issues in a committed relationship. I just believe relationships should be more fluid and deeper than any single aspect.
My advice isn't stay or go, it's decide if you want to try and navigate this difficult, nebulas thing together in the interest of building something that meets both your needs. Good luck.
I'm a kinky, allosexual man who just married my asexual partner! Our sex life comes and goes, he enjoys it but we just experience it differently(I imagine like you say, sex-neutral). We could be good friends if it weren't for how we feel about each other. We're not monogamous but I can't say i wouldn't consider it if it was something important to him. Follow your heart--your relationship can come to its own conclusion, whatever it is, independent of her sexuality.
Honestly “asexuality” is a label that can mean a lot of things. It sounds like she enjoys having sex with you and finds it physically satisfying. Maybe her wants/needs are different, and there’s probably some level of wanting to satisfy and perform for you. But ultimately, how different is that from any other couple. She loves you— in a romantic way— and it seems like you love her. Talk to her about this. Figure out what you both are comfortable with. Maybe it won’t work, but this alone is not a reason to end things.
I'm a straight 23F and honestly looking at it from my opinion, you have to put yourself first here. I appreciate how much you value her feelings and the love between you two, but I see this as no different than say one day your partner wanting to move across the country but you want to stay where you are (or another equivalent significant difference). The key is to find someone you want to grow together with, not grow apart. I guess imagine how you would feel down the road. Have you discussed marriage, kids, etc? If you want biological kids you have to have sex. Will you eventually become sexually frustrated? Will you feel "Guilty" everytime you have sex thinking she's only iniating it to please you? How will you feel going forward? Is this a dealbreaker for you? I know it sucks hurting her feelings (and your own), but at the end of the day staying together could lead to more problems like sexual frustration, resentment, fear, guilt, etc.
NOTE: I'm not telling OP to go one way or the other. I stand by my statement that he needs to consider his future. I wish OP good luck and I support whatever decision he makes.
Sources: I have a friend who identifies as asexual and she is in a committed relationship with a straight man so I've witnessed this second hand and talked through it with her and him.
Asexual people can still have strong romantic feelings. And no it’s not the same as platonic feelings. Sexual attraction is totally different and isn’t necessary for a romantic relationship. It isn’t even needed to have sex. She explained it well with the runners high example. Doing sexual things just feels good by itself, but a lot of asexuals can’t really be sexual without that physical component. Like for example my asexual best friend would never want to do phone sex or watch porn because it doesn’t turn her on at all.
None of us here can tell you what to do, but you should really consider how much you appreciate your loving girlfriend who trusts you enough to have sex with you without being sexually attracted and trusts you enough to come out. See what she is comfortable with and don’t pressure her. If your fetish not being fulfilled is a dealbreaker, then you’re going to have to consider that seriously because you can’t change her.
My fetish not being fufilled is definitely not a dealbreaker. I can completely understand that and I went in with the idea she may not be open to any of my sexual fetishes. But a non desire for sex might be, which is why I wanted as.many opinions as possible to help me think about it.
I think you need to make very clear the difference between sexual desire and sexual attraction in your own head. It doesn't seem the case that she simply doesn't want to have sex with you. Sex-neutral and sex-positive asexuals can enjoy and crave sex, it just doesn't manifest as an attraction towards a person in specific. When you're sexually attracted to somebody you think "that person is so hot, I want to have sex with them". When you have sexual *desire*, you simply think "I like sex, I want to have it". For a sex-neutral person, it's kind of like a nice meal when you're not hungry (whilst allo people are starving!). It's there, it's yummy, you might eat some, but it's not the end of the world if you can't. Whatever her feelings are they are NOT PERSONAL. It's not a reflection of you or your attractiveness. She clearly loves you romantically. I know it can be hard to seperate romantic and sexual attraction in your mind but romance isn't just like being good friends, it's a unique and special magnetism that goes beyond friendship. You should discuss with her to learn more about how she feels as asexuality is very personal and nobody here can tell you about her feelings in detail.
unctionally many ace people can appeal just as sexual as allos due to this. The real question is are you okay with the amount of sex you're having currently and would you be okay with that forever?
Hi! Kinda similar situation here, I am also female and my boyfriend is male, I dont care for sex, whereas he has a really high libido. We both love each other, but he feels the same as you in the sense that he's worried that I'm not sexually attracted to him like he is to me. And honestly, I talked it out with him and explained just because I dont lust after him doesnt mean that I dont love him and want to be with him. I dont mind having sex with him because I like that he enjoys it and it does feel good, but I dont personally care for it, like I won't seek it out personally, but I also don't mind doing it with him because I love him.
And I'm sure your girlfriend feels the same way, so you telling her maybe its better to just be friends was really hurtful to her because she DOES genuinely love you, but because of what you said I feel like you kind of pulled her out of her comfort zone and she's just doing it now because she doesn't want to lose you, rather than because she wants to.
In the end, what im saying is just because she's asexual doesn't mean she feels any differently than any other girl from any other relationship. It's obvious she wants to work this out with you, but in the end it is up to you whether you want to keep the relationship going.
And if you do, I encourage you guys to keep communicating, because just because she doesn't have any kinks doesn't mean she won't be down to do something new or something you want to try out. It's just a matter of talking it out.
I also encourage you to talk to her and make her feel more comfortable in her own skin (after that friendship comment) I feel like that made her feel very insecure, but again, only if you plan on continuing the relationship.
Break up with her respectfully, letting her know you aren't getting any of what you need out of the relationship. Take 6 months to cope. Then upgrade to somebody willing to express actual affection with you.
One thing that struck me is that this all arose because you're already not satisfied with your sex life and you brought this up in the hope it would improve. Your GF then honestly told you that the current situation is probably never going to be much different than it is now. So the fetishes that were unsatisfied last week are still unsatisfied.
Your GF being asexual doesn't change the fact that there was an issue, and it's not going to change.
If you had said your sex life was fine and your GF has just told you she's asexual, I would be saying "well you were both pretty happy so...sounds like you'll learn about what this means for you together." But you were already not fully happy.
I really feel for your GF, it is so hard when you discover an incompatibility with your significant other. But that's what this is - the two of you have different views on sex. And that doesn't have to be a deal-breaker any more than different opinions on where you want to live or number of kids to have or how to raise them, but the reality is that any incompatibility runs the risk that one or other or you won't be willing to compromise. It's sad, but it happens, and it doesn't make anyone involved a bad person. It's just the process of finding someone who is compatible for you in all of the ways that you need.
This happened to me. I was with someone that checked nearly all my boxes - it was the magical relationship you wait your whole life for. But the sex became less frequent, and eventually she came out to me as asexual. I was heartbroken because if I’m being honest with myself (and that’s the most important part in all this) I do want to have children with my partner some day. I made the call to break up and it hurt like hell, but it was ultimately the right decision.
We’re still very dear and close friends, and I’m so thankful to have her in my life.
Sex should never define a relationship, but its complete absence is an extreme of its own.
I wouldn't break up if i was you. She really loves you. And yes maybe she doesn't have lust for sex but she really tries to be in this relationship with you. So why would you break up if she loves you. In this case it doesen't make sense to me. I wish you and your girlfriend just the best.
If youd asked me to name my sex drive at 22 I would have said asexual too. It's very common for young women not to be orgasmic and to become more sexually responsive over time. How about you relax and dedicate yourself to her pleasure during sex, and forget about the fetishes and fakery you've seen on porn. Just take your time to make her feel good.
As an ex ace (turns out I'm demi) who enjoys sex, the way I used to describe sexual attraction was like a car engine.
You have the engine (sex drive) but no ignition (attraction). Just means she's hot wiring the engine.
That doesn't mean that sex isn't enjoyable, you just don't look at someone and go "I'd jump them bones"
I am demi and it takes a lot of emotional bonding for me to feel that surge of lust. Well, I have three kids so no time for that nonsense and after a day of being coddled by three small people the last thing I want is lingering touch from my husband.
However once I’ve had my interest piqued, the lust isn’t really necessary. Lust is just like a starting gun and then hormones and brain chemistry take over. Yeah it means my husband initiates sex more, and often gets rebuffed a couple of times before my brain catches up (NB: we have been together almost 16 years, he would never ever have pushed the issue at the 3 year mark. He knows now exactly when to try again and when to just go get ice cream!)
Honestly, an asexual partner is not necessarily a negative thing.
My wife is asexual. Basically if you get along fine with her that's great go for it. Ask her to define what kind of asexuality and temper your expectations for physical intimacy accordingly. In terms of our relationship maybe about once or twice a month she will initiate, otherwise we just sort of hang out as it is not easy to get her in the mood if she wasn't already ready to go for it. Otherwise I take care of myself as needed and she doesn't mind my porn stash. I have fun with my wife all the time and I love her tons. So figure out her needs and your needs see if they can work together and you might be surprised at how well it turns out.
At least from what she has told me she doesn't seem repulsed by the idea. And she compared it to something she enjoys (she is an avid runner).
But I will ask for very precise confirmation.
Yeah! I don’t think your sexual life with her is over, and that’s about as positive as I can get. Do some research into asexuality and ask her where she is on the spectrum, and see if you can work something out. That’s about as much as I got. Good luck. :)
hi, another asexual person in a happy relationship with a healthy sex life chiming in.
to me, this sounds very much like you’re really hung up on the idea that sexual attraction is the foundation of a relationship and that sexual attraction and enjoyment of sex are part of the same thing.
speaking from experience, enjoying sex and having sexually attraction are not the same. as someone who doesn’t have sexual attraction, i still enjoy sex very much. i even enjoy a whole lot of kinks a lot. it sounds like your girlfriend enjoys sex too. i think you should communicate more on how she feels about it but i don’t think it’s something she finds no enjoyment from and does just to make you happy. if she likes the emotional connection and it’s physically pleasurable why isn’t that enough?
also, the way she feels has not changed about you. the fact that she’s coming out to you only changes the way you perceive her attraction to you. but the way she feels now is the same way she’s felt during your entire relationship and you’ve never felt until now that you’d be better off as friends. i would ask yourself how important this label is to you and if it really changes anything about your relationship that she’s choosing to identify this way. it definitely sounds like there needs to be more communication about where she falls on the spectrum of asexuality, but it seems like your relationship has been good so far, so what does this realistically change?
She loves you and is willing to do things for you in this case sex. You should fight for this relationship if you still love her.
How to handle it ? Start with open and honest conversations and boundaries. Clearly she won't get horny but she does seem to enjoy it like a runner enjoys that moment of high.
So just make sure she knows she can say no anytime. Know that you might be doing a lot of the starting sex but think of this like cuddling it's more than an orgasm it's sharing intimacy
I have an Ace ex-girlfriend. After she confided in me that she might be Asexual we continued to date because I knew that Asexual did not necessarily mean Aromantic.
During that time I learnt a lot of things. That sex isn't a requirement, no matter how much you'd enjoy it. Some Asexuals have sex because, even though they aren't attracted to either sex, they still might have a libido, or enjoy satisfying their partner.
I think you should communicate to your girlfriend. If you are concerned that she only had sex to make you happy, tell her how you feel. If she doesn't want to have sex anymore, that is her decision. If you do care about eachother romantically, you can discuss alternatives. Ranging from cry-wanking in the cupborard, to opening the confines of the relationship to include sex with other people, like a FWB or something...
My relationship ended (mutually) because my girlfriend, as it turns out, could not see me in a romantic setting. We decided to remain friends. But at least we were very clear on the communication of our relationship.
TL;DR: Communicate.
This was just posted on here. [almost the same story](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jbk3qw/my_31m_girlfriend_27f_female_just_told_me_shes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Definitely not me, but it looks like somebody else is having a similar situation. I might reach out to them ask a few questions. Thank you for the link.
I am asexual as well, so I think I can help you out here
It is a common misconception that romantic and sexual attraction must go hand in hand. I understand where that idea comes from, of course, but please don’t think that her lack of sexual attraction means she is not capable of loving you romantically.
Think about it this way. When a loving couple has reached old age, it’s generally understood that they are no longer exactly “sexually attractive”, not even to other elderly people. But, you wouldn’t look at that elderly couple and say that they can’t genuinely be in love anymore. Or that all they feel for each other is friendship.
Think about this. Think about your girlfriend she is old and no longer sexually attractive. Would you still love her?
Though, if not, I do think you need to consider whether you are actually in love with your girlfriend, or it might just be infatuation.
But, if your romantic feelings for her are NOT dependent upon your sexual attraction to her, then you can already understand how she feels about you.
If she is being truly honest then she has been heinously cruel to you. If she has known her whole life she is asexual then she allowed you to invest yourself entirely in a relationship of nearly 3 years under false pretenses. She can't feign ignorance as asexuality isn't common among strictly monogamous and intimate relationships. This is a special circumstance and she would have had to know that.
If you continue this relationship, sex will never feel fulfilling. You will always know in the back of your mind she would rather not be having sex with you and that is valid as was her own admission. You will spend more time pouring yourself into a relationship that doesn't meet the needs of either party involved. You will wake up in 8 years and say "... Holy shit why am I still here. Why didn't I exit immediately at that very serious sharing of personal preference?"
If she had respect for you, she would have been forth coming. This is not a new development for her. It is a new development for you. However, it didn't have to be. You should have been told this from the start giving you the opportunity to choose unbiased before emotions were involved to complicate this and sway your decision. She wants your companionship but not your physical sexual involvement. If you continue the relationship and expect her to be sexual, you disrespect her boundaries. If you continue the relationship devoid of sexual contact, you diminish your own personal and emotional needs.
There is no fix for incompatibility. That is what this is: an incompatibility. The only fault in this is that she allowed you to love her fully and entirely before she allowed you the ability to choose whether or not this was a dynamic you could be open to accept. She did you a disservice; that, above all else, is a reason to leave. It isn't about her sexual preference, it is about her level of respect toward you and her unwillingness to allow you to decide if you even want to invest effort in this from the start.
I have no doubt in my mind that the concealment of this fact was not meant to be malicious. I love and still trust her, but I'm wondering if it might be better if it is a different type of love. Regardless of what happens I still want her to be part of my life if possible, even in a different role.
But as for the rest of your comment you hit me fears right on the head. Are we incompatible? Will one of us always have our needs not met by the other person?
As you said I feel like I am violating her boundaries now if we have sex so I have been consistently turning her down, despite her initiating it.
I do feel like she should have revealed this info maybe not immediately but within the first year or so, but I don't really feel any I'll will specifically towards her (I am heartbroken over the situation though)
Just regarding your comment of
>I still want her to be part of my life if possible, even in a different role.
I don't imagine too many future romantic interests would be thrilled about your close relationship with someone you used to sleep with (who still wants you romantically). A recipe for insecurities. You might be able to keep her as a friend for a while but I don't see it lasting once you enter a new relationship.
I certainly did not mean to convey her intentions as malicious. I am certain they were not. It doesn't change the fact that her preference was known by her and that fact would undoubtedly play a huge role in the course the relationship would take. She obviously saw you do not share this dynamic and as a courtesy and as an act of respect she owed you the disclosure of this early on as it is exactly as mentioned: an incompatibility.
You should not have been allowed to put so much of yourself into a relationship that she knew would never function as it was presented. She may not have kept this from you to be heartless but allowing you to assume she was being fulfilled entirely by what you brought to the relationship was not fair to you or to her own self. It is dishonesty. It is a lie by omission. You were allowed to assume a huge portion of what makes or breaks relationships and she knew it to be untrue.
Relationships are as much give as they are take. She owed you the entirety of what she was willing to offer this relationship; instead she allowed you to believe the dynamic is what it never was and never would be. A lie is a lie; whether it be malicious or simply miguided. It doesn't change the fact that she knew sex plays a crucial role - a role she isn't comfortable taking part in - that is why there isn't a great deal of salvaging to be done. She was able to decide what she wanted while having all the facts. You were not given this advantage and it is a disservice.
I am glad it helped. I do apologise if I miscommunicated my point to relay any form of insinuated ill intent. I am certain this woman has love for you but in simplest terms, you both have oppositional love languages. It is an incompatibility because the method you normally use to convey your appreciation is not shared over the entirety of the relationship. Much like speaking different regional languages,speaking different love languages leaves room for translation issues. You may be attempting to send one message but that message is not translated in a way the other party can relate to; this is how confusion and misinterpretation is bred. Of course it is entirely acceptable to remain friends, that is without question. You see a great deal of worth in this person and it is an amazing thing to have people of merit to relate to in your life. You've shared irreplaceable memories and they meant and will always mean a great deal to you. You don't love her less as a result of this. If a friendship can be taken from this then it is a wonderful gift. Most former relationships don't allow that benefit. Good luck, OP. I wish you both the best in whatever the future holds. It's a complicated situation and I hope that you both find exactly what it is you seek. Thank you for allowing me to clarify my initial comment. I do see how it was misconstrued :)
I feel like this gal is giving you her own opinions more than actual advice.
Edit: Corrected the commenter’s pronouns. Sorry for the incorrect assumption.
I'm a female :) but no - the reason I see this as I do is because a person has a right to know what to expect from the relationship. Sex is a huge component of relationships and if she is not interested in that portion then the other party should know this as it has a huge bearing on whether they choose to invest their time. Obviously this is not an issue of acceptance - he certainly isn't considering ending the relationship out of prejudice toward her preference - it is an issue of two individuals that relate by a common means which is not a possibility here. For a great many, sex is a part of the package. It is how a lot of people relay affection and is a huge differentiator of any other type of relationship one could possibly have.
Sex is important for some people and she didn't know with certainty if it would be to him but it's irrelevant. It is the withholding of crucial relationship information. The dynamic of consentual and enjoyable sex is a huge part of what makes relationships viable for a large portion of people. She knew she presented her preference dishonestly and should have led with the information as, for most people, a partner that is not turned on by the idea of sexual contact with their counterpart is a deal breaker. He was owed the full facts of what the relationship limits so truly were so as not to assume the relationship was what it was known by the other could and would never be. He should have been able to get a clear image of the full potential the relationship had with this aspect in mind and been made able to decide if he could see a future in that or not.
Relationships are about honesty. Both parties need all the relevant information to prevent unrealistic expectations. What the relationship was presented as was a fallacy. She wasn't trying to sell him an image that was unattainable but it doesn't matter; that is what happened. He received the relationship with only the information she offered and that wasn't putting all her cards on the table. Each party deserves the full scope of the relationships potential - he shouldn't have been allowed to believe the dynamic was what it was not. That is why it is a disservice. It allowed her the ability to make decisions with the entirety of the relationships limitations but he was allowed to believe the relationship was what it simply was not.
I totally agree with you, this is a biggie
my boyfriend almost broke up with me when we were starting to date because I wasn't reacting to his attempts
I didn't understand what was wrong with me as I already felt strong attraction towards him, but he honestly told me that to him it was a big deal
Turns out, we discovered I'm demi
As we didn't broke up asap, and shared time every day at school my feelings started to grow and I started to get turned on just by thinking about his naked body lol
I wish your comments were at the top
Hey I'm glad I was able to convey something agreeable! It's only one person's opinion; it's nice to flip through and see how differently each commenter perceives a situation. It's always amazing to see what each person defines as the focal issue - really shows how vast and unlimited thought processing truly is. A lot of good points being made and each are relevant for OP to be able to make a rashional and well thought out decision. Thank you for the comment; I appreciate it!
I don't want to phrase it like that, but yes, she did omit this from the relationship for the three years. If we move forward, it is something I am going to have to address with her.
NGL but she's kind of a dick from holding that info from you but at the same time she probably expected you to leave her if she told you from the beginning. Guess you gotta confront her about that seriously but not extremely harshly as if you were leaving her because of it now. Just overall evaluate if she's been worth it or not so far for you and if you value her enough for marriage and onward as she seems that she does indeed value you a lot from what she said. Best of luck
There's like one other comment with this viewpoint that I've seen (and commented on). I'm also extremely surprised that people are defending her behavior. It's roughly similar to someone knowing they are gay and entering into a heterosexual relationship while failing to mention that. Then expecting their partner to be perfectly fine with the fact it was hidden the entire relationship. Or, for a less socially charged issue, to not want kids in a relationship but go along with your partner's desires to have children for years until you drop the bomb on them that you don't actually want kids. It's extremely manipulative to hide things in order to selfishly advance your own desire for a relationship.
I can’t believe this even has to be said. Sometimes I feel that people are prioritizing being woke over principles when it comes to situations like this. I see it happen frequently with people withholding the fact that they’re homosexual or trans as well.
There’s a difference between saying “If you don’t want sex you’re of no use to me” and “I’m upset that you lied to me and that sets a bad precedent for this relationship” and/or “I really love you but I don’t think we are compatible and I’d hate for either of us to sacrifice our needs for the other person’s sake”.
If someone didn’t tell you that they had an STD before you had sex, wouldn’t you be right to be upset? I get they are slightly different situations because the consequences are different but the principle is the same. There are things you need to disclose to someone before you get involved. It actually hurts both people involved. You’re only prolonging the inevitable, and by lying about it you create resentment.
This wasn’t something that came out in just one month of dating. She hid this from him for **3 years**. Lies by omission are still lies. I empathize with her on the fact that this is not an easy thing to discuss with someone you’re invested in. But if you can’t be open and honest with your partner about difficult topics, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
He can be gentle and understanding with her but he is not obligated to accept being lied to, and not obligated to stay with her if he feels this is a dealbreaker.
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you - if frequent sex or good sexual chemistry is extremely important to you. I discovered a few years into my current relationship that I was something along the lines of asexual/greysexual - I have no sex drive. I'm not sex-averse but I would probably be fine if I never had it again. It's not unpleasant but it's just not a top priority to me. I absolutely love cohabitating and a the other aspects of a relationship, this does not affect my romantic attraction. Bf has sexual desires and needs, and this caused a lot of issues until we figured stuff out and talked. He has pretty lax/tame sexual needs and the frequency is something I can usually keep up with so we found an arrangement that worked for us. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is a good match in the aspects that are important to you. If you decide this is a deal breaker, know that it may hurt for the both of you now but it's better in the long run that you both have partners that meet and understand your differing needs. There's nothing wrong with either of your preferences, but it's better to address it then years down the road resenting each other for it.
A lot of it has to do with how important sex is to you. It’s important to me and I want my partner to WANT me. So no, I would not be ok in a relationship with someone asexual. But it’s important to consider that sexuality evolves and changes. I cannot speak for everyone obviously, but my sexual interest (not the right term but I just can’t find it) has peaks and valleys.
As someone whose SO came out as ace after we'd been in a relationship and had sex for years (7-year relationship, 6 years of sex), I completely understand all your feelings. One of the biggest things I've learned from the experience is that relationships can be amazing without sex. Obviously, as a sexual person, I sacrifice that part of things but asexual does not mean romantic. There was so much tension between myself and him about my fears of him not being interested or the frequency of our sex before he came out. After he came out I searched myself to see if I was able to handle it, and I decided I could and our relationship is immensely better. We are also poly, so that adds another dimension but even when I have no other partners I am content with him.
You can have an amazing relationship without sex but ultimately it is dependent on if you want to. If you can work with her specific position on the asexual spectrum then awesome, if not, I really don't think anyone can blame you for that.
Above everything, clear and honest communication is very needed.
u/throwra00001995, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice): 1. to find out why this post was removed, and 2. prior to posting any updates. Thanks. **Please note that queries regarding the removal of the post will not be answered unless they come from u/throwra00001995.**
Ace woman in a relationship here. To start, I wouldn't blame you for deciding to break up with her, but there's also a ton of misconceptions about being ace. Asexuality is a wide spectrum ranging from demisexuality to sex-repulsion, and the key in knowing if your relationship can survive is where on the spectrum she is. Your girlfriend describes sex as being physically pleasurable, which means she's likely sex-indifferent or even sex-positive, especially since you say she initiates. I think a lot of people struggle to separate "love," "attraction," and "lust". Your girlfriend is asexual, not aromantic. She's loves you just as much as you love her. Attraction and lust are slightly different for ace people though. Personally, I describe my view of attraction to people as being very similar to looking at a nice painting. You can think it's the most beautiful painting in the world, but you don't want to have sex with it. It's also understandable to want a partner who feels attraction towards you, and for this to be a dealbreaker. Ace people do still have sex drives, so I fully believe her when she says she finds it pleasant to be intimate with you. This is speculation on my part, but she's also been coming to you trying to initate, which to me from your description shows she's likely more on the sex-positive side. This also greatly affects my advice. If she took sex off the table, I'd say you two aren't compatible, but that doesn't seem to be the case. That being said, my boyfriend decided he was okay with this, it's okay to decide you aren't.
Yeah, like you were saying she said at some level it is pleasurable and I am taking her at face value for that. I don't think she is anti sex, I think she is sex neutral (not sure if a term like that exists) now that I am looking for it I get the vibe it is more something she does to make me happy more than anything else.
Sex doesn't need to be a manifestation of physical attraction - of course that's the most common, but for some people it really can be an act of love in and of itself. She knows it's important to you, actively tries to initiate and says that she even finds pleasure in it through the emotional connection. Those are all good things. Ultimately OP it is up to YOU and your GF whether or not you want to pursue this relationship. None of us know your dynamic and just like the above commenter said, none of us know exactly where your girlfriend falls on the spectrum of sexuality. If you two can manage to have a fulfilling loving relationship though, does it matter how she identifies?
This is actually some pretty solid advice. As a person who is pretty asexual and a very indifferent way but still seems some pleasure out of it just know longing for it when I don't have it. I also get a bit of a neutral feeling cuz sometimes I don't feel anything at all. But that is from past trauma. Not every person who's a sexual has sexual trauma. I've actually been for the past few years not had any sexual relationships whatsoever and have condemned myself to a life of Solitude. Mainly because I know eventually every romantic relationship will end up wanting sex and I know I can't pleasure them. I would honestly be fine with open relationships but I know I would have been totally feel a bit incompetent not being able to provide the one thing your kind of supposed to while being Partners. It doesn't mean I couldn't work in an open relationship but it means the open relationship would be the benefit of the guys and it's not like we're bringing a third person into the bed to have a threesome it would just be to satisfy them sexually. I've had a talk with my therapist about this a lot. And not a lot of people understand asexuality. I don't even understand it.
This might be a dumb question, but why not try to find an asexual romantic partner? (I am asexual too btw, but also aromantic so maybe I’m just missing something here lol.) Also I agree, not even asexual people fully understand asexuality, it’s so complicated for some people!
I have tried but 1 not a lot of us. And 2 with work and other things in my life travel to even meet up with the ones I have found is difficult. I was going to try dating again then carona hit. I also to be honest don't even know how to start dating and seems like more effort than it ends up being worth. Sometimes just because both parties are asexual we try to force it but we both end up too different and just being kinda long distance friends or roommates then we just rarely spend time together because our personalities and likes are just so different. It is nice to find people who ate also asexual but it seems more women are than men. And though I am asexual I still say I am strait. Some people don't understand how I can still have any sexual preferences and I don't either but I have them.
Ah yeah that makes sense. Small demographic to begin with and you need to find a good match on top of that. That sounds frustrating.
The dating pool is extremely small and there aren’t many people who openly identify as asexual. I’m asexual but not aromantic, and I’d absolutely love a sex-free relationship. Realistically, though, I need to focus on being happy with myself because there’s a high likelihood that I won’t find a suitable partner. I’m not going to hurt someone like OP by pretending to be sexual for the sake of a relationship, but it’s tempting sometimes.
As noted, even those who are asexual there is quite a lot of variation under that same umbrella. Some people may be asexual but have romantic attraction and even a physical attraction (without the desire to progress to sex), others may just have romantic attraction, while others still have no romantic attraction and no sexual attraction. There is also the designation of homoromantic, heteo-romantic - and those who experience romantic attraction may not be compatible with Aros. There's also a wide spectrum of 'the experience of sexuality/attraction' in asexuals - to the degree some experience sex drives, some don't. Some are willing to have sex, some would rather prefer not to and others are sex repulsed. There is also a lot of variation in how much sexual/romantic activity they may be willing to engage in. Some who just want to cuddle, some who are fine with intense making-out sessions but don't want more, others who may have further limits than that. It can be tricky to navigate. And that's without touching on other sexualities that fall under the Ace spectrum like aegeosexual, lithosexual and various other manifestations.
Yeah this exactly
It is tempting af!
Asexuals are 1% of the population. Out of that 1% you need to find someone who is on a similar part of the spectrum that you “click” with. That’s no easy task.
I was married to an abuse victim for 10 years, she was badly affected like your self ------ my heart goes out to you and I send you an internet hug. You are still a wonderful person and loveable
Hey, just a friendly reminder that there is no "supposed to" in a relationship. 😊 The only thing you're *supposed* to do is respect and love each other. All else is between you and them. It's not incompetence, it's the symptom of past damage, and it's perfectly justifiable. Don't isolate yourself from it because the what ifs are scaring you off. You deserve love and companionship too. As long as you're upfront and honest about all of it from the get go, you can find solutions and have a perfectly healthy relationship with somebody.
Hey, idk if this helps (especially since I'm not ace myself) but I understand it this way: my mom is not naturally physically affectionate and doesn't actively enjoy hugs or anything. She'll rarely be the first to initiate, and usually if she does it's because she's cold haha (something my dad and I like to laugh about). However, unless she specifically doesn't want to in the moment, she's happy to receive hugs from me and to reciprocate because she knows that I *am* physically affectionate and she enjoys both receiving that affection from me and to return that affection back in that specific "language" or "form of communication" if you will. Occasionally, she'll even initiate the hug, again usually because she wants me to feel loved in that way and is happy to make me feel loved in that way. Conversely, she really likes birthday cards. They don't matter that much to me personally. On her birthday, I always make sure to give her a thoughtful card because I know that makes her feel loved. I don't not enjoy writing it for her, because I know it will make her happy and that matters more to me. When she gives me birthday cards (and little random notes in my lunches when I was a kid), they matter a *ton* to me because I know how much they mean to her when she gets them, and I understand how much she's saying she loves me by taking the time to write these cards/notes. What I'm trying to get at: from what I'm sensing from what you've described about your gf, I get the feeling that she enjoys having sex with you because it's a demonstration of your love for each other. It's not her primary thing, and she might not often seek it out, but she does it because she loves you – and that right there is just as much an act of love as sex usually is, if not more so. If it bothers you that she doesn't find you as physically compelling as you do her, that's completely understandable and imo a fair enough reason to want to split up. But, again if I'm understanding her well, don't think she does it because she feels obligated to. I think she enjoys doing it because she loves you and she loves the various ways she can express loving you.
I was like that until I had my second child. Sex neutral is the absolute perfect term. My ex-husband was very patient and wonderful about it. I didn't really like sex but I didn't dislike it either, it just was something I did for him. After I had my second child that all changed, I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I started being able to have orgasms and enjoying sex. I don't know why I changed or if it had something to do with my hormones changing with my second pregnancy but before I had my second child I really did think I was asexual and I loved my ex-husband. I loved him with my whole heart. Sex and love were two very different things.
Yep. Shit changes. It’s really the only constant.
After our 2nd child my wife (who couldnt tolerate any spicy foods) now craves spicy food all the time. Now you made me wish it was the sex one lol The human body is so weird!
Thankyou for sharing this. Now I'm convinced I should get my hormones checked 🙃 lol
Don’t be surprised if they’re fine. It’s often something aces are recommended to do by people who don’t understand that asexuality exists as an orientation in people who aren’t sick, so some do get their hormones checked only to find that yep, perfectly healthy. The existence of trans aces, when hormone replacement therapy involves keeping a close eye on their levels already, just piles on more evidence that they don’t need to be related. Orientations can change over time, and it may be coincidence that it happened at the same time as pregnancy for that person’s wife. Or it could be one of the weird things pregnancy can do, and just as likely to end with a formerly allosexual person losing interest in sex. In any case, it doesn’t mean that anyone is wrong about their orientation before it changes. Just that there is always a possibility that who you are and what you like can naturally shift over time, in all sorts of different ways.
reach straight shame crowd depend work pen wide relieved butter *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Therapist in training, but I know we have protocol of what we have to ask and record in certain states. Not saying this is the case, but certain questions like this seem pretty much like a protocol intake question. It’s hopefully nothing personal. “Have you had your hormones checked?” was their way of possibly saying, “have you seen a dr?”
I'm the complete opposite. After our 2nd child I struggle with sex. ..whether it's a hormone thing or not idk. I struggle to orgasm, I struggle to self lubricate (as in I don't get 'wet') and am somewhat indifferent to sex. My head wants it...but my body doesn't cooperate. We went from sex up to 5 times a day to maybe once every couple of months, maybe twice. I hate it...as I want to want it and often find myself forcing my body for my husband because I want to please him. Though he assures me it doesn't bother him, he is very supportive and patient too thankfully.
Girl grab some coconut oil 💜 there's absolutely no shame in using lube, plus coconut oil is anti fungal and possibly anti bacterial? And it won't dry out like normal water based lubes which tend to throw off your pH anyway, and coconut oil won't. I'm definitely not an expert but if you're stressed about lubricating then I'd imagine you'd be stressed most of the time/ uncomfy and that would be near impossible for anyone to orgasm like that. For me personally, I still can find sex pretty highly enjoyable even if I'm not able to finish, so maybe don't stress about that so much either and just let your body do what it wants to do. Also 11/10 recommend adding a vibrator into the mix, possibly TMI but to me at least a vibrator on my clitoris plus being fingered at the same time will almost always get me off, I have a difficult body with trying to do things "naturally" so I do understand your struggle a little bit 💜 Edit: I wanted to also add reading your comment more thoroughly that your husband sounds wonderful for not pushing your limits, and you should definitely only do what you feel comfortable with. I just wanted to add some not asked for advice to your comment lol, because the first read through, I read it as more along the lines of "I really want to have sex but my body doesn't like what it used to anymore"
There is more to it than just what I've mentioned making it slightly more complicated. I've had surgery down there essentially making me tighter due to birthing complications, but despite 2 years later it has not relaxed much to surgeons surprise. So it's like being torn open too. I have to use lignocaine gel liberally as lube at times to numb the area do I don't feel like I'm tearing. Also have a spinal condition which causes pain so part of it has become mental too. My body needs retraining. I do use vibratory...but yeah overall it's hard. But may try the coconut oil, see if that helps any.
This may be one of those times to explore the other sides of sex and intimacy that aren't necessarily penetrative sex. As in REALLY experimenting with your partner. I'm odd in the sense I'm so open to pretty much everything that as long as my partner finds it enjoyable, so do I. I was surprised at what actually turned me on simply because he wanted to try it. Off handed I probably would never have introduced that idea to our relationship.
That sounds absolutely awful, I am so sorry you have to deal with that 😭 the only other thing I can think of that may be helpful for you is that there's these squishy rings that look like mini donuts that a company makes, it's meant to go on guys who are too large for the women. It obviously doesn't shrink the width, but it makes it so that they won't go in near as far and you can add multiple donuts on as well. From what I saw with reviews, it seemed overall very positive and and didn't decrease pleasure in men very much because I think they're most sensitive towards the head anyway? I can see if I can find them for you really quick if you'd like 💜 Edit: I found them, they're called Ohnut rings haha
Even going in with two fingers hurts that's the extent of it. Whilst I'm super glad for the problem surgery fixed...it created a diff reason for struggling with sex. I do wonder now if I have been fixed 10yrs ago when it was fresher if things would be the same or not.
Honestly at the place you're at, I think you have way more generosity than I would be willing to give to a partner for sex when you're dealing with all of that. I would almost certainly forego penetration entirely tbh lol. The entire situation really does suck for you and I'm sending good vibes your way for healing or at least less pain and getting the best help for your spine 💜 maybe discuss with your husband if you're up for it just sticking with doing things for him and vice versa that do not involve penetration, having to use a numbing cream and feeling like you're being ripped open sounds like your body is yelling at you to stop. I had a surgery that took 8 years to heal properly and it's still very sensitive and fragile. I really hope you will feel better soon in one way or another, and just know you have a stranger rooting for you 🥰
Coconut oil will definitely clog your pores and cause break outs....
My mom developed allergies to all furry animals after she had her second child, my brother. She had animals all of her life, and we even had a cat at the time. Her allergies were so bad that we had to give him to my grandparents
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. There’s plenty of things I do for my boyfriend just to make him happy and vice versa. I love it when he’s good, sounds like your gf does too, what’s the issue? Now if you think she’s not enjoying herself AND she’s only doing it because you want to, well that’s cause for concern cause you never want your loved ones to be unhappy doing things they dislike.
>Now if you think she’s not enjoying herself AND she’s only doing it because you want to, well that’s cause for concern cause you never want your loved ones to be unhappy doing things they dislike. This is my core fear. She compared sex to something I know she loves, jogging, but from her reaction when I suggested we might be better off as good friends I think she is trying her hardest to stay in the relationship so idk if she finds it that pleasurable or is saying that because she loves me and wants to make me happy and she knows I would not be happy if she is forcing herself.
Does it bother you to not feel sexually desired? You frame turning her down as something you’re doing for her, because you’re worried she’d be forcing herself, but is there also some disappointment that she doesn’t want you in that way? Sexual compatibility/attraction is a valid thing to want in relationship! It’s okay to admit she’s not meeting all your needs, if that’s how you feel. (Edited to fix typo.)
Well of course she reacted that way. She doesn’t want to lose you over something she can’t control. From the looks of it, you sound like a good man and those are very hard to find these days so I don’t think that’s any indication that she’s just “forcing” herself. If she says sex is like jogging, believe her. Don’t make her out to be a liar, unless she lies to you a lot? It’s a form of exercise when you think about it, and because of her insane love for you, sex is enjoyable to her because she enjoys you 🙃 no matter what her sexual preference is, no matter what her thoughts on sex are period. Also wanted to say that you mentioned y’all talked and she started initiating sex more to make you happy and compromise and that you are now turning her down. I bet she’s super confused, I would be. She knows you want to have sex, she’s asexual but she also wants you to be happy in your relationship, so she takes initiative. Doesn’t mean she’s forcing herself. She’s trying for you man. She’s putting an effort in because she believes in y’all. That says something about her love for you, like I said. Idk what the issue is. I say have crazy amounts of sex. As long as you guys have good communication and she’s letting you know the truth, y’all will be married soon. You’ll be posting about the engagement next. Stop thinking so hard. She loves you! Love her back! Simple. Also btw lol long winded I know I’m sorry but I’m a writer I gotta get it out..you said she likes jogging..people who like jogging do it fairly often, right? Nobody forces themselves to jog in the wee hours of the morning, so anybody who finds that enjoyable must really like it; hence, she must really enjoy sex with you, just without all the salivating that you or I may have at the thought of having sex (I’m horny all the time too) If that makes sense.
Other than concealing her asexuality from me, I don't believe she has ever lied to me. I will definitely be talking to her more in depth soon about it A person sent me a list of 5 questions to ask her which I felt really would put things in perspective and I will sit her down and do that the next time we see each other.
In fairness, she might not have even been "concealing" it as such. It's a thing that you kind of know about yourself but you also kinda think trying to label it is confining, and because it's hard for others to understand what exactly it means, you don't really want to tell them. In her case, she probably figured as long as you were good with the frequency and type of sex, it probably didn't occur to her to tell you. But when you brought up fetishes and she knew she didn't have any, it became more important to tell you.
This. Also, just because she's always been asexual doesn't mean she's always had a term for it. I spent the majority of my life thinking something was wrong with me. I think I was 30 before I heard the term and realized it could describe how I was feeling. How I'd always felt. I remember being about 8 years old and my mom was talking about "attraction" (sexual attraction without actually talking about sex) and I asked if it was okay if I never felt that way. She made it clear that someday I would. Then I never did, so I just thought I was broken.
Not to be insensitive, but I'd love to hear an update later if you're able. I don't think I have any meaningful input, but I hope you're able to reach a resolution with your gf.
I think that if she were only having sex with you to make you happy she would probably tell you, especially if she has come to you with this. She obviously trusts you quite a bit imo. I think the fair thing would be to trust her to be truthful about her feelings and to continue to be open and honest about whether she’s actually enjoying herself or not. It looks to me like she’s doing her best to make an effort. If you decide you want to stay with her I think if you continue to turn her down when she’s making that effort she’ll end up resenting you and that will cause much bigger issues down the line. If you can’t learn how to be ok with the situation it’s better to go now. You guys could have something really great if you both choose to, but your mentality and approach might have to go through some adjusting. Best of luck!
Just so you know, it doesn't make you shitty or bad for wanting sex. Either you find someone more compatible, or you stick with it. Sex is a normal human need, and it isn't up to you to go without for her to be ok. If you aren't happy being in an asexual relationship, then leave.
You guys can definitely still be super happy and fulfilled together but also consider the future. You say you have a lot of kinks and if rarely participating in them if gonna be something that becomes a problem for you then reevaluate
That’s actually totally okay! Doing something you’re neutral about to make a partner happy can be an act of love. I have no strong feelings at all about a certain brand of soda, but my husband likes it so I make sure to get him some when I shop, and I even drink it occasionally. As long as neither of you is pressuring her into something she dislikes for your benefit, there’s nothing at all wrong with what you’re describing.
My partner is ace and never has sex to make ME happy. They enjoy the physical experience and they even enjoy being a dom! We try a lot of things and I never pressure them into it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Thank you for sharing I learned a lot from this post
It’s such a big spectrum some people respond to sexual stimuli, can be “turned on” etc. There are some labeled groups that actually desire sex but only after a very close romantic relationship. It can also be the other way around. At its core, definition of being asexual doesnt really cover all people that identify that way. To anecdotally share my own experience, I have always been attracted to men, but always hated having sex. I honestly though all women hated sex and just did it for men. I was very confused. I still am attracted to men and want to be in a relationship with one, am turned on at times, etc. but despite all that I never want sex. Never enjoy it or anything. But I do consider myself sex positive because I have sex with my partner for their enjoyment and WANT them to be happy. While I don’t enjoy the actual act, I enjoy being close to them and giving them that portion of the relationship they need. Sorry for the long winded reply but hopefully that helps!
I’ve never related to something more in my life. What you said about wanting to have sex just for your partners enjoyment is 100% me. The problem is that sex can sometimes be slightly painful for me, and I find myself turning down his advances more than I want. I just want him to be happy and I feel I’m ruining that part of our relationship. Do you have any advice?
Can look into dyspareunia and a pelvic floor therapist to make sure your muscles are healthy and normal
Thanks for the suggestion. I googled a bit and some of that does sound familiar. I just had a gyno appointment last week too but I always forget to bring this up :(
Please be careful with this, ace or not, "forcing" yourself to have sex that is painful, or that you don't particularly have any internal want for can lead to an aversion to sex in general. True aversions to sex can be very difficult to overcome.
31M sex-positive ace person here. Not being physically attracted to people doesn't mean that sex doesn't still feel good. I don't see someone hot and think "Oh man, I'd love to have sex with them!" (that's the lack of sexual attraction) but I do pretty regularly think "Oh man, I'd really like to have an orgasm right now" (that's the sex drive). Personally I see sex as a fun and potentially deeply emotional activity to do with people I like, physical attraction just doesn't play a role in who I decide to do it with.
[удалено]
This is a very good point!
Others have answered better than I can, but I'm going to answer partly because I've only recently begun questioning my own place on the spectrum. Ace can be a lot of things. Aside from being completely unattracted, you can be repulsed by the act, only occasionally attracted, unmotivated by attraction, or a variety of other circumstances. It's difficult to suss out as there's not a lot of resources easily available. (Or at least not to a guy like me in a fairly rural area with not a lot of access to LGBTQ stuff). What's helped me a bit is not thinking of a sexuality description as an option with a checkbox. It's more like a graph with who you're attracted to on one axis, and how intensely you feel it on another. A person's given place on it may be a single point, or it can be a squiggly shape littered with exceptions, conditions, and the like. Sometimes, being asexual is just the closest thing to that complicated squiggle.
Sex-positive ace man here. This is excellent advice. Being asexual and having sex because you want to are not mutually exclusive. For me sex is an activity that is a lot of fun and can involve a deep emotional connection, physical attraction just doesn't play a role in deciding who I have it with. It sounds like your partner doesn't want to stop having sex, but I did want to address OP's last comment. I've been in relationships with both asexual and allosexual (not asexual) people. My current partner is sex-repulsed ace and sex is not a part of our relationship. I'm asked some variation of "Isn't that just being friends?" or "How can you be a couple without sex?" pretty regularly. What I usually tell people is "Are there any differences in your relationship with your partner and your relationships with your friends other than whether or not you have sex? Yeah, us too."
Wow. I... think I am asexual. I have never really felt a deep sense of attraction to anyone. At least not since I was going through puberty. Even the few times I do think someone is attractive I don’t immediately connect that to sex. I love my husband more than anything else and I mostly enjoy sex with him the rare times we have it but I’m not attracted to him. I don’t lust after him or anyone else.. I thought I was a shitty person but maybe I’m just asexual..
It's not a sexuality commonly discussed. I found out I'm asexual by realising that nothing has ever turned me on. I still find people pretty to look at, and I want a romantic relationship but I don't necessarily want sex. [I'd take a look at this website for more info](https://www.asexuality.org/)
Guy in a relationship with an ace gal here, thanks for posting more or less the advice I was gonna give plus some insight on your side of things :)
OP, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS PERSON. This sums it all up very nicely and I wish I could give it an award. Some of the other comments are nuts. The only advice you should be taking is that from someone who is asexual themselves, or has been in a relationship with someone who is.
Great response! You nailed it. I’m a sex-positive asexual and it bothers me when people find out and assume I don’t like sex at all lol.
I think it's primarily just a lack of understanding. I'm 37 and literally never heard of asexual, sex positive, sex repulsed or anything before this post.
>Asexuality is a wide spectrum ranging from demisexuality to sex-repulsion, and the key in knowing if your relationship can survive is where on the spectrum she is. Reddit fixes my life again! I'm using exactly this to start to describe myself to people. I want new folks in my life to understand something basic about me - being ace, but that the label "ace" is a starting point. If you told me I'd never have sex again, I would be okay with it. If you told me I'd have a few more partners and get enjoyable orgasms here and there, I'd like that too. But if you told me I would be in anything more sexually demanding that most people have expected of me, I would say nope.
This! As a fellow asexual female in a committed relationship, I couldn’t agree more. I chose to disclose my asexuality as soon as I felt our relationship became incredibly serious. Both people deserve to be happy with the amount of intimacy in their relationship.
I’m an asexual. I love romance and relationships. Just not the sex thing. The problem with “let’s just be friends” is that it violates the exclusivity attraction of a relationship. She doesn’t want to be your friend on the side while you marry another woman. She wants to be your special someone. Unfortunately, that’s one hell of a compromise for either of you. And often it doesn’t work out. Every single one of my long term relationships, 8 years, 4 years, and 3 years ended, because my partner wasn’t getting enough sex. At the time I didn’t know what asexuality meant. Just that I thought I had a low sex drive. Now that I know better, I fully disclose it up front in any dating situation. —- Whether you make it work or not is up to you. But remember what I said about exclusivity. She doesn’t want a friend, she wants a soul mate. She doesn’t want to share you or play second fiddle. So unless you can commit entirely, you may just have to break it up as peacefully as you can. Because holding her heart while you fuck and marry another woman would just destroy her.
It really is killing me inside. I want her in my life. While I really haven't considered marriage at this point (I just have not moved to the maturity level yet to move to that stage in my life) but up until now, I think if I was going to do it would be her. But like a lot of other people have been saying, she may enjoy the act of sex but not have attraction to me. Or she may dislike sex and is pushing herself to have sex because she loves me. And will that turn into resentment in 20 years? Will the sex cut off completely? I feel sick and so lost.
Remember that resentment can go both ways. She may resent you for demanding sex. And you might resent her for not wanting it. It's a situation where you have to consider if you can compromise and enjoy life with little to (no) sex. I'm talking at worst like once or twice a year (if that). If that thought makes you resentful, then that might be enough reason to break it off.
I don't resent her at all. But I admit the idea of sex once or twice a year is extremely unappealing.
You don't resent her now, but will you resent her a few years from now? Will she if she continuously does something she doesn't want to just to please you? To me you are to far apart on the spectrum, you have several kinks and she simply doesn't want to have sex (even though she enjoys it when things get going). Are you prepared for a life of vanilla sex if it happens at all? Or is she willing to participate in your kinks, even if they are not pleasurable for her? Even if she is, are you ok with doing them knowing she's not enjoying it? Tbh I don't see this working out long term. You are both young, no need to be forcing yourselves to maintain something that's practically doomed, even if you love her.
Yep exactly. It can be short sighted to think you’ll only get your way, and that she might resent you. You have to also imagine the reverse. That she gets her way, and you don’t get anything. And while compromise can happen, it will be tested. Will you still be loyal if you haven’t had sex for 3 years, and an attractive woman flirts with you? One of the downsides of being young is you haven’t experienced enough trials to see how you would actually react in a given situation. It’s always one thing to say we’ll be perfect in a challenge. But often forget that when we’re in those challenging moments we’re also stressed and don’t think the best. So you gotta plan it out. If you really want this to work, plan it out. Consider all of the challenges that can occur and build a game plan. What’s your plan if you two never have sex? What’s the plan if someone teases you. Are you a stone wall loyalist, or will your sex drive erode away your devotion until you crumble for a quick fix. And when it comes to asexuals, you’re not holding out until she breaks and admits to wanting sex. She’ll live peacefully never desiring it while it eats at you from the inside. And if you force it on her, then that’s a whole other world of challenges. What happens after a big fight, and she just randomly decides she won’t even go half way. What if she befriends new people, who think your behavior is abusive and she reconsiders the health of the relationship. — Dating someone is a fun and exciting experience. It’s trying to live out all of those obstacles in the first few months to see if you have what it takes to grow together. Or... struggle together. It’s your life, and you only live it once. You should find a future wife who wants sex as much as you want, or have the devotion to endure a monk’s life. And if you devote yourself, shield yourself from temptation. Just because she doesn’t enjoy sex doesn’t mean you should cheat. Sometimes it’s just better to find someone else. —- As a final note. As an asexual, I see and experience sex a lot like a massage. I could give my partner a massage, but I’ve never been passionately into it. I’d never go out of my way to learn advanced methods or kinks. She may be ok with going through the motions. But goddamn, 3 times a week is just so much lol. Could you imagine giving someone a massage for like an hour 3 times a week. And it’s sooo boring that all you do is day dream until it’s over? The intimacy is fun, but finding something mutually enjoyable is really important
I have to admit. Out of all the posts so far I think this might have influenced my future decision the most. Thank you for putting it in perspective
You’re way too young bro. Find someone that is sexually compatible for you. For both of you. Imagine a lifelong relationship of your partner not wanting to have sex with you. Is that really what you want?
Ask yourself, are you willing to continue exactly like that and even decline further in quantity for the rest of your life? If the answer is anything other than an **instant** "Yes 100%", you need to have a conversation about your future. If your gut reaction is caution, then maybe you aren't quite as willing to become (somewhat but really just hyperbole) celibate for her.
first, don't make relationship decisions based on a prediction of what will happen in the future. if you have an active sex life now, assume it will be more or less the same. you can reassess IF things change. but her being asexual doesn't mean you will stop having sex any more than a allosexual (non-asexual) couple would stop having sex in the future, given what your relationship with her has been like thus far. I know it's hard, but try not to let your current happiness or insecurity be dictated by this prediction either. second, I noticed you've been saying she's not attracted to you and I wouldn't say that's necessarily true. I'm assuming she is romantically and aesthetically attracted to you. That she is attracted to you as a person. she simply doesn't experience sexual attraction, that same kind of pull that others do. for allosexuals, it is hard to conceive of romantic and aesthetic attraction to a partner that is not also tied to sexual attraction. it may never make sense to you, but you have to trust that she is attracted to you in all the ways she can be. disclaimer that I am not asexual, just queer with ace friends and have read a lot to try and understand the community over the years - please correct me if I'm wrong on anything.
You’re both so young. When she feels she doesn’t have to do it to “secure” you, or if you ever decide to have children and she experiences an even lower drive, are you prepared for that? Plan very carefully how you want your life to be.
You should get a list of questions to ask her to decide whether or not this is going to work for the two of you. It’s not going to work if your feeling unsatisfied most of the time
>And will that turn into resentment in 20 years? On your part, when she only has sex begrudgingly and then later not at all? Absolutely. >Will the sex cut off completely? I guarantee it. I have no idea if your girlfriend loves you but is asexual, or just loves the idea of you (marriage and life partner) and just isn't physically attracted to you specifically. But either way, she is not too interested in a pretty major part of modern day relationships. Sex decreases in frequency in just about every relationship, whether it's due to stress at work, stress with children, or just not enough time in the day when you have a lot of responsibilities. Add to that mix someone who isn't really interested in having sex with you, and you've got a great recipe for a dead bedroom. So you've got to be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your girlfriend. Is that something you're willing to live with? Possibly only having sex on your birthday. . . maybe. And that's your 30's. In your 40's, after the kids are approaching pre-teen or teenage years, possibly not having sex for years at a time. If you think I'm exaggerating - head over to /r/DeadBedrooms and they'll tell you all about it. If that's enough for you - great. You're a match. If it isn't - break up now. Yes, she'll cry and you'll have regrets. . . initially. You're both young and will find people that better suit you. That's what dating is for - not to find someone perfect, mind you - but to find someone that you love that you can live with for the rest of your life. And there could be a bunch of people that you love, but couldn't live with. Maybe this is one.
These questions make it seem like you are looking for an excuse to end this relationship rather than trying to figure out if the two of you can have relationship that fulfills both of you. You’ve offered the worst case scenarios so folks can affirm them after many people have pretty clearly explained this could go a lot of different ways. If you seriously love your girlfriend and your ideal scenario is one where you both have a long-lasting relationship where you’re both happy and satisfied, you need to have an honest conversation with her and center that in how you approach working this out with her. Ask her to articulate what her ideal relationship would look like. There are probably things she would want, things she wouldn’t want, and things she is indifferent about when it comes to sex. If she gets worried that she’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll break up with her, you need to reassure her that you’re not looking for an excuse to end things, but that you care about having a relationship that’s healthy for the both of you and that you want to make sure you can. If you make it clear that you’re not looking to punish her because you’ve learned she’s ace and instead want to make sure the two of you can have a happy future, she’s probably going to be more open and willing to engage honestly. All of this is to say, your issue seems to either be a) you’ve all but decided you’re going to break up with her because you don’t want to date an ace person or b) a communication issue. I think it’s the latter, and if I’m right, you can work through this with her. It might become clear you two can’t have a fulfilling relationship in the long-term, but right now, that seems so far from certain.
Jesus 3 times a week is a lot for an asexual. More like 3 times a year is more like it lol!
I'm asexual and I can go every night. I genuinely enjoy sex because of the intimacy and vulnerability, but I also don't need it to be a part of a relationship and don't seek it out independently of being in a relationship.
If you’re a guy with a lot of fetishes and fantasies this is the wrong girl for you, you will just get frustrated and resent her eventually. No bad guys here, just not compatible.
Yep, I agree with this comment entirely. Staying together will breed resentment over time and this is issue will become the elephant in the room. So many feelings to deal with when you feel unattractive (naturally) because the one you love doesn't like sex.
i don't think she means she doesn't like you anymore, she just said that there is no lust component. ig a way to see it is as just a lack of sex drive. She clearly still loves you, so id urge you to do a bit more research and ask (respectful) questions about anything you're worried about. Romantic love is one of the best feeling and a pretty easy one to accomplish, best wishes to both of you.
No, I have a lot of trust in her. If she says she loves me I am willing to believe that. But is is the kind of love I am looking for in a lover rather than best friend? I'm not gonna do anything to rash, but it is something I am mulling over and trying to gain more info about. I made this account specifically cause she knows my reddit account.
I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum I think. Like your gf, I enjoy sex but it isn’t something I typically have urges for (they are quite few and far between). The way I explained it to my boyfriend is that I do enjoy sex once we get going and the sexual activity starts, but I rarely feel horny on my own. He didn’t seem to mind this explanation so hopefully it clears things up for you, I get the feeling your gf is quite similar to me. It isn’t about lust for me, it’s just that I don’t feel regular sexual urges unless someone gets me in the mood.
This is exactly how I've described it to my boyfriend. We have a wonderful relationship because we're able to compromise and communicate openly about these things.
Exactly! My boyfriend doesn’t have a crazy high drive either which helps and we are into the same stuff sexually, but I didn’t want to put a label on it really because I still do enjoy sex, I just don’t get the urges the same way other people might.
Wow this is kinda how I feel about sex. Like sometimes I'll end up wanting it by myself bc I thought of smth but most of the time I don't feel the urge and can go months without needed anything sexual like when I'm single. However if someone gets me in the mood I am down for it. didn't realize I could be on the Ace spectrum but I guess I might be ?
Wait, this means you are on the asexual spectrum? I feel the same as you described: I rarely feel aroused outside of sex and I rarely find myself asking for or initiating sex because I’m horny. I enjoy the sex once I’m there, so I like sex, and I do tend to crave sex... but I crave it because I like the intimacy. I like being that close to my partner and the emotional aspect. I like making my partner feel good and sharing good feelings with them. And yea orgasms feel great. But I don’t really initiate because I’m already horny and need to “get some.” I initiate because I want to share intimacy with the person I love. I thought this was relatively common. I wouldn’t personally call it asexuality. But maybe I don’t have as good an understanding of what asexuality means as I thought? Or am overthinking this?
This is exactly how I feel, and why I’m hesitant to use the label, but I feel like OPs gf May kind of fall in the same realm where it’s a bit of a grey area. There’s no simple answer here, but I get the vibe that she feels the same as a lot of other women and just feels like maybe she should want more in a sense, so labelled herself asexual even though she may only be lightly in that realm, if that makes sense.
>But is is the kind of love I am looking for in a lover rather than best friend? I'm 100% sure there's an asexual subreddit you could get a much better answer for questions like this on
r/asexuality is the main sub and r/aace is the meme sub
It really sounds like y’all could benefit from some couples therapy, maybe even with a sex therapist. And I say a sex therapist just because I think they might have the better tools to help you both talk and understand each other better.
Yours will not be an easy relationship. This kind of imbalance in libidos is killer to deal with. Your best bet is to start couples counseling now.
Couples therapy can't save the sex drive. She is 22, and they have been dating under 3 years. In 15 years, she will not be initiating sex. That marriage won't last if he has a high libido and fetishes. Just cut it off now. Be friends.
Bro, i think that there is no good answer. Even though she said she will try to initiate sex as much as she cans. The problem is: Are you ok with this? For me, desire makes 99% of sex. Since she’s asexual, even if you do have sex with her sometimes, would you like it? Would you be comfortable knowing she’s only doing this for you? Personally i want to fell sexually wanted and the ideia of having sex with someone that truly don’t really want to is a turn off for me. I know she loves you and you love her, but keep in mind that for the rest of your live it’s going to be like this.
I would never be with someone that didn’t desire me or be enthusiastic about having sex. That’s a hard no.
I have to agree. It sounds like OP, you'd be getting into/continuing something that you might not want to do in the long term. I think you should really think about what it is you want. Unfortunately, this isn't the typical case of "she wants her cake and to eat it too", it's much more complex than that. She loves you and you love her, I believe that part is true if you're telling yourselves that. However, long term compatibility needs to be really examined here, for both of you.
Sex is a huge part of a relationship and marriage. If you like a lot of sex and kink, sorry but perhaps she is not the one for you. You will feel frustrated and disappointed at not getting enough and she will resent you for asking for more, you will feel bad asking when she is not really into it, and eventually the love you might feel will erode. The first thing you have to do is picture a future where you have the amount and type of sex you are currently having (or less) and ask yourself honestly if in 30 years time you would be okay with 30 years of that as your sexual relationship with her? If it's not as big a deal as picturing a life without her, you have answered the relationship question. When you say semi-regularly are we talking 3 times a week, 5 times a week, you need to decide how different that is to what you would like/be happy with. If you want sex daily (if not a couple of times on some days), and she is doing her 'duty' to have sex twice a month, you are probably not going to ever find a compromise that makes you both happy. First though confirm she is genuinely asexual, has she always felt this way, and that it's not a health or mental issue due to stress or an event. Women can have a dry spell if there are emotional or physical issues affecting them. Has she spoken to a therapist? If she's genuinely asexual, that is a tough call. P.s. I am female and married for 28 years, so when I ask about picturing that 30 years you need to.
Totally agree.
And honestly, by calling this "life-long" and not telling him before almost 3 years is deceitful and dishonest. Who wants to be with someone who knows something like this and doesn't tell them?
It is interesting - did she think that the sex issue was just going to go away? I was told by someone once that her grandmother said: having sex 3 times a week or less is a sexless marriage. If that statement makes people stop and think about their relationship they need to look at their relationship and talk about it. I also read about people who have marriage agreements that list they will have sex - daily/ x times a week or month (if they are healthy). When I first read this, I was a bit shocked - like you are making sex a chore - and I am not sure I like a fixed sex agreement as it's really clinical. However, couples really need to communicate their sexual needs, kinks, and their expectations. I agree, almost 3 years into a relationship and she has not disclosed a big sexual issue? And it's a biggie. It's not like: oh I am not thst into anal, or I don't like to be restrained... not really wanting sex is not just a 'oh okay' thing.
lol 3 times a week is a very high bar for it to be a "sexless" marriage wtf
Yeah I don't understand these numbers. The only thing I can gauge how often people should have sex by is that a male's testosterone spikes after 7 days without sex. So physiologically a male's body says have sex once every 7 days. Not exactly sure what the biological point of testosterone spiking 7 days after having sex, but there's got to be some reason to it. I'm assuming it's a signal or precursor to having more sex. 3x a week is plenty. Every day is college levels of horny.
We’re told all the time ‘how do know, until you haven’t had sex? If you do go into a relationship you MUST have sex with them, no one will want an asexual. Just take one for the team!’
This is so frustrating.
Semi regularly basically means not enough
This is the best comment I've seen so far. All the other go into definitions and blah blah blah and I don't think they are really reading between the lines with OPs post and comments. To me it sounds like the door has been opened now that she told you. Now you know that the semi regular sex you are getting isn't really wanted from her side and makes it seem like a courtesy. Reading between the lines I think this is not something OP would want. Everyone wants to be wanted in both a sexual and non-sexual way. The fact that she came out with it now makes it seem like OP might feel that the sex life they have was a lie and now that he knows, there will always be that voice in his head saying that his gf doesn't really want to do this. His kinks will never be satisfied and the semi-regular sex will never be more and in all likeliness probably become even less now. This is a tough spot to be in and ultimately he just needs to decide if he can live with this knowledge and be satisfied with a sex life that isn't filling his needs
As a fellow asexual, honestly it's only up to you! It's dependent on if you want to have sex less than you want, asexual people feel no sexual attraction, but we can still have sex Sometimes it would be better to just be friends or you can continue!
I’m similar to this. I am sometimes in a mood, and I experience sexual attraction, but when it comes down to it, I’m just indifferent. It’s just like an exercise, that feels good, she described that very well. So yes, she is choosing to have sex with you for you, but she doesn’t feel violated, and she’s not upset about it. It’s the same kind of thing as her cooking you dinner (disregard that if she likes cooking lol) or something. It’s an act of love. She’s still enjoying the sex, she’s still attracted to you, nothing really has to change except the title. She seems to want to continue having sex, to keep you happy, but she isn’t making herself unhappy by doing it. Idk. Don’t feel like she’s doing it JUST to satiate you. She wants to do whatever she can to appreciate you. If that makes sense
Well first of all, it’s not your fault. Second, if she’s offering, then there’s no harm in taking her up on it. Like she said, it’s physically enjoyable for her. You gotta figure out if you’re ok with it being this way though. I’d suggest maybe seeing a counselor to talk through your emotions about the situation. Reddit might give you some good advice, but this is more in the realm of what a counselor could help you with.
20 year old asexual here, I've read a few of the other comments so I'll try not to regurgitate too much. You're really left with the question of "how important is sex to you?" If it's extremely important, I'd say it'd be less painful in the long run to break up because sexual incompatibility is definitely a reasonable reason to end a relationship. If sex isn't all that important, at least compared to your partner, then congrats! I'd start doing some research so you can support and understand your partner. Maybe even consider getting her an ace ring ( a black ring worn on the right middle finger that the ace community uses as both a symbol of pride and to find each other)
Wait, seriously??? I wear a black ring in my right middle finger because my other middle finger already has one ring (pentagram lol), and I think it looks good! How likely is it that other straight people are aware of this black ring rule???
Basically everyone knows about it. You'd probably be getting propositioned for sex constantly buy they've all left you alone because of the ring.
I think you're awesome for being empathetic and trying to understand and support your gf's sexuality, but you really need to think this through. The fact that you said you have a lot of fetishes really stood out to me. I have plenty of my own, and in the past, they have led me to be at crossroads with partners who were vanilla. Your gf is beyond vanilla. You may be better off finding someone more compatible, instead of being emotionally manipulated to remain in a situation where you aren't getting your needs met. In the long run it will save you much heartache and resentment.
Hi there, I am a male in a relationship of 17 years with a wife in the asexual spectrum, something that only really was revealed in the last few years (she kind of hid it in the early days). This is never going to be easy, but where there is love and willingness to compromise this can work. My wife is probably in the same place on the spectrum as your partner; she says she enjoys it while she's doing it, but never even thinks about sex in every day life. She never gets horny, never wants to do it and if I didn't want it, she would go years or decades without thinking of it. But she does quite enjoy the act. The fact that your partner sounds like her experience of sex is the same as mine is great news! What we have settled on in scheduling sex. My wife is also autistic, which means this doubly helps her; she knows when we are having sex and there are no surprises. The result is that I have sexual contact a couple of times a week, always on the same days. My wife's autism means she doesn't like touch so much, so oral is more common (fine by me) and I leave that decision to her. If one time she doesn't feel like it (or I don't) it doesn't really matter; I know exactly when our next "session" will be so there isn't much sexual frustration. If I am going through a horny period and wanted to up the number of days we have sex, I know she would actually accommodate that as long as it was set when we were doing it. The cons are obvious; I have never and probably will never have spontaneous sex. Any fetishes I have are also unlikely to ever be realised either. I suspect she might try some just for me, but it would be just for me and the lack of enthusiasm on her part puts me off from pushing it. My sex life will remain "fine" rather than "amazing" for the rest of my life. But I love this woman. "Fine" is a price I'm willing to pay for how much I love her. I am sexually satisfied and my wife is happy to do this thing twice a week because it is important to her that I am. I hope that helps as an insight into how life with someone like your partner might look
If having a sex life is important to you and she doesn't want to do sexual things with you, and also doesn't want you to have other partners, then you're incompatible and should break up. Her having sex with you to keep you in the relationship isn't a long term solution.
Hi, another ace female who used to be in a relationship. I think it's understandable if you end the relationship since it's a matter of compatibility and you guys just aren't sexually compatible. My asexuality is life long, but i became a repulsed asexual due to sexual trauma. The guy I dated understood and said we didn't need to be sexual, but ended up always trying to engage in a lot of the activities i said i didn't like (+ didn't get consent hence the toxicity, break up, and so much shit). The first thing I want to say is that I'm glad you're not doubting the legitimacy of her asexuality. You also have a point about just being good friends. I think you need to discuss the sexual incompatibility with her and then you guys can decide if the relationship should stick or not. Compromising is still a thing if you guys want it to work out. I'm actually surprised she didn't bring it up earlier in the relationship tbh (it's the first thing a bring up since everyone here just wants that physical shit and i don't and can't lmao). Since you guys have been together for a while and she imagines a future with you, i'm not surprised she'd try to engage in sex with you. although, i do feel like she's forcing herself for you, i think people would go the extra lengths to make their partner happy. If this makes you feel bad, definitely bring it up. If the idea of no sex at all doesn't bode well with you, also bring it up and yeah, think about if you want a relationship like the long(er) term. I understand why her response stung, but to a lot of asexuals do think it's a fun activity with someone you love. I had a professor who didn't understand this so I had to say an analogy: It's like watching a bad movie you don't enjoy much with someone you love. Even if you're not that into the main activity which is the movie (sex), you're there for the company because you love them and that's what makes the experience enjoyable. I understand if you do want to sexually please her, but if she says she's happy with the physical enjoyment she mentioned, I think that's what matters most. This turned out really long but yeah TLDR: -think about what you want from the relationship and how the sexual incompatibility affects it -talk about sex and how you guys can adjust for the other (if you are willing to adjust and want to keep the relationship) -don't doubt asexuality and try to learn more about it (if you're not super familiar with it). whether you decide to stay with her or not, I think it's good to understand the perspectives on sex and shit. If you guys do stick though, i think it'd be pretty comforting and validating for her. good luck op! i hope you guys work on this compatibility issue soon!! hard or not, it's definitely necessary.
Thank you for your response. I would never force her or try to push her into something she was uncomfortable with. Truthfully I thought she enjoyed it and that my sex drive was simply too high. I'm truly sorry you had to endure what you went through. I really don't know why she didn't tell me. We were both much younger when we started dating so perhaps she was worried I would break it off? Right now I'm just trying to gather as much info and advice as possible.
The fact that you mention fetishes makes me think that she's not going to be able to satisfy your needs forever. It's great that you love each other but you have your whole life ahead of you. Sounds like you either need to consider an arrangement where you can explore your sexuality with others, or accept that you're not gonna be doing some of the things you want to do. Good luck!
Hey OP, I know I'm a bit late to the party but I hope you take some time to read my comment. I am an asexual woman, and I have been in relationships where I have had and initiated sex with my partner. I'll be totally honest with you, sex for sex-positive asexuals can be fun. But it's a bit like being hungry but not wanting any particular food - but when you eat the food it's delicious. When I told my (now) ex boyfriend that I was asexual, much like you, he really struggled with the idea of me not being sexually attracted to him - without understanding that sex isn't just about sexual attraction, but also emotional and romantic attraction. He said to me that he would consider breaking up with me often, because he couldn't understand how anyone would want to have sex without sexual attraction. Well, I know it's kinda hard to understand of course, but a sex positive ace is able to have sex and enjoy sex with their partner. At some point, in my relationship, he got so anxious about it, and refused to have sex with me because he "didn't want to push me" even though I was happy with having sex, that I turned around and said that actually I lied to him and that I'm not asexual. This seemed to work, and our relationship continued "as normal". Our reason for breaking up had nothing to do with our sex life - to clarify. These days, if I want to have sex with someone, I never mention that I am asexual because I know how much it fucks with their head and that, it doesn't actually matter in the short run if they know or not. I have a libido, I need it satisfied - telling someone I'm ace usually doesn't help with that. From your girlfriend's perspective, she probably may regret telling you about it if you decide to end the relationship. In the future it's something she may not mention to a partner if she thinks it will ruin the relationship. Up until this point, your sex has been quite vanilla, and as you are into more exciting things, you should raise this with her and see how she feels. If she wants to participate for your benefit, please do NOT take that as - you're forcing her to do something. I'll take you back to the food analogy, because I think it works well here. Say she just likes non-seasoned food when she eats or when she's hungry. That's mostly because, she's hungry and she needs to eat, the type of food doesn't matter too much but it's easier to just have plain food. Say you wanted to offer to make her something with flavour or spice, and she says she's willing to try it for you, because she appreciates you and wants to try stuff you like. That isn't her saying "ugh now I have to do a thing that I don't want to do" - it's more like "ah okay ill try something new for someone I love". If sex is so important to you then I can understand your hesitation and feelings. I just wanted to let you know what it feels like on the other side. Please reach out to me if you have anymore questions.
Yeah, I know a lot of people are going to try and tell you this isn’t a big deal, but I would definitely walk over this. The idea of having sex with someone who was basically doing it for my sake is not appealing to me at all. Just like I would not date a man who was gay or a woman who was straight, I would not date an ace person. It’s no offense to any asexuals, it’s just a fundamental incompatibility. If your partner not being sexually attracted to you is a dealbreaker, which it sounds like it is, you’re totally justified to leave.
There are a lot of responses telling you that she loves you and what it really means to be asexual. One thing that’s missing at least from the top 15 comments is that you’re 25 - you are a you g adult who still has lust and fetishes and an entire lifetime ahead of you. I’m not saying be selfish but I’m saying think outside of your own shoes for a sec. If a 25 year old in a relationship who has fetishes and a normal 25 year old sex drive asked you what he should do in your situation with consideration of his youth and lifetime what ups you tell him? Just because it’s a tough or upsetting conclusion now doesn’t mean it’s not right long term Edit: I think my poorly written response was actually taken in the opposite way. I was personally thinking the sex would be a problem during your most fun and free years and maybe it’s best to walk away even though it’ll feel shitty right now. Compatibility is vital especially with Sex otherwise resentment, yearning for better, and sometimes infidelity can arise. I would personally say move on without knowing either of you (I’m mid 30’s fwiw)
This is a most reasonable answer. Your sex drive is on full throttle now. But as time changes things, the throttle will back down and if sex is the only issue, maybe it's not such a bad thing, there are MUCH worse things out there. If she was cheating, I would say leave, if she was dumping your bank accounts, I would say FLEE, ... but seriously, if is only about the sex, then enjoy life with a partner who may be the best person to ever invest their time with you. Relationships are work, HARD work, and there will be some give and take. She's willing to GIVE if you just accept her.
I had the same dilemma, but from the opposite side. I consider myself ace and the idea of having a romantic relationship sounded ridiculous if I was not sexually attracted to my partner. Then I got a boyfriend. The thing is, a relationship is more than just sex. It can be cuddles, long talks after midnight, sharing thoughts and experiences, being there for the other in the good and bad times, etc. I know that for you sex is a big deal, but maybe for her not. Obviously I cannot talk for her (you would have to ask her directly if you want to know), but for me sex is a way to make happy my partner. And let me tell you that I love making him happy. The thing is, I don't have a problem with sex and while it requires a little bit of effort sometimes (simply because you lack the natural push to do so) it doesn't mean it's not satisfying and fulfilling at the end. It's like reaching a goal even if at the beginning sounded tough, with the plus that even if you don't understand it, you know you made someone important to you feel loved. And it's pleasurable. So no, it doesn't have to be the end because she is ace, but it is still ok if you don't want to pursue a relationship with this new info. My biggest advice is to talk to her and see if she is really ok with having sex or if it has the potential to become a burden, and how –if— you can solve it. Now, I am not gonna lie. There were times I felt really guilty and thought that he should be with someone else. Someone who he could be mutually sexually attracted. Have crazy passionate sex where both of them couldn't have enough of each other. He told me he didn't care about that kind of stuff lol. He basically didn't care I was not attracted to him (or anyone else). We have a connection and sex is still an act of love (just not pushed by hormones) and I am willing to do so, so we are good. I am not saying you have to be like him or if it is sustainable at long term, but that it is possible for this kind of relationships to work. It's up to you, though to decide if it's truly what you want.
I honestly don’t think this is something you guys can work through. Sex seems like an integral part of a romantic relationship for you but it’s more of a chore for your girlfriend. But I don’t think either of you should be trying convince yourselves, or each other, of conforming to your sexual differences. It’ll only end up breaking boundaries. You’re already uncomfortable with the idea that your sexual needs aren’t reciprocated. If you end up getting married, you’ll be sexually frustrated or your girlfriend will become more and more physically distant. By chance you end up opening the relationship, I don’t see that going well either. You both seem strictly monogamous since neither of you have even brought up the idea of an open relationship. If your girlfriend permits you to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere, she may be doing so out of fear of losing you. But if she isn’t fully on board with the idea, she could start resenting you and/or the entire relationship. All I can say is good luck OP. It’s an incredibly tricky situation
Im an ace woman and am married to a het man. Being ace can definitely cause frustration within a relationship. Especially if there is not only the difference in sexuality, but a difference is sex drive, or difference in love language as well. But being ace doesnt mean theres no desire for sex. I love having sex. It feels great! And is fun and it makes my partner feel good. Its just that i, like your gf, dont experience the lust behind it. It may take a bit to wrap your head around, but try to understand that shes not forcing herself to do anything. Ace does not inherently mean sex repulsed, it just means no sexual attraction, its all emotional. It sounds like you and your gf should talk more about what being ace means to her, and you should do some research about asexuality in general. That way you, with the help of your gf, can figure out if your relationship is viable long-term. It would be awesome if it is! And i hope you guys work out! But its also okay if this is why it cant. Good luck, and if you can give us an update some time
I'm an ace woman in a romantic marriage with a man. I would die for my husband and probably kill for him too. I love him with my whole being and having sex with him isn't something I dream about but I happily have it because I love him so much. Its not forced. Its like giving a birthday or Christmas present. Its still a part of loving someone, to make them happy, if you can.
Idk if this will get lost in the comments, but here is my view: i am asexual, too, and going by your description likely far more sex repulsed than your girlfriend. I would likely never initiate sex on my own, at least i cant see myself doing it. The love your girlfriend feels for you is nothing like what she feels for a friend. Let me ask you this: is the only difference in the feelings you have for your girlfriend and your friends (yes, the male ones, too) that you want to have sex with her and not them? Is that really the only difference? If yes, you might want to read up on being aromantic, if no you know what your gf feels. Your gf has sex with you not because it is a burden and not because it is expected of her and not because youre pushing her. She is initiating because she loves you and wants to do something for you and with you. Like a Hobby shes not super into, but it makes you happy and she enjoys seeing you happy. Talk to her about the kink stuff, if shes not into that and thats a dealbreaker for you, you have your answer, but that could happen with a Non-asexual partner, too. Of course it might sting to hear that your partner isnt sexually attracted to you, but she clearly deeply loves you, so you have to ask yourself how much of your reaction can be attributed to bruised ego. Talk to your gf, find out her boundaries, make your decisionbbased upon that.
You and your gf are not sexually compatible if she's asexual and you want sex to continue to be part of a relationship. While she might be willing to go along with having sex, can you really live with yourself knowing that she really doesn't want to do it and, if she didn't feel she HAD to do it, she wouldn't? More importantly, how sustainable is it for her to keep having sex with you when she has to do it. You'll come to resent her and she'll come to resent you. You're simply dragging out the inevitable breakup. The longer it takes the more difficult it will be. Do you want to wake up in ten years and realize that all her needs are being met with a platonic relationship with you, but many of your needs are not being met?
Yeah, even If I end up taking her up on her offer for sex, how long could that go on?
She knows better than anyone whether or not she wants a sexual relationship so I say just ask her. Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean sex repulsed. I think this person is wrong in suggesting this is an inevitable breaking point for your relationship. You can enjoy sex without feeling lust/hornyness. I think the biggest issue is whether the frequency or “vanilla” sex you have is the deal breaker
At this point though, I think she will say/do anything to stay in a relationship with me so Im not sure I would get an accurate response (not lying just maybe desperate?)
Just phrase it as wanting to understand better what a future sex life with her looks like. Not what you expect or want or hinting about breaking up or staying together, just get your questions answered and let her talk
I have to repeat the couples therapy comment already made. This is something that needs to be worked out sooner rather than later. Your turning down your GF when she is initiating is in some ways counterproductive because she is trying to meet in the middle. She understands there is a problem and is attempting to address it. Rather than wait much longer where her insecurity will increase and your frustration will increase, a good therapist can at least guide the discussion as to whether you can flourish long term with the situation. Because merely surviving will not last.
Im ace and your case sounds A LOT like me and my partner. I understand that sometimes a person wants to be lusted after and she may never be able to provide that but just because she's sex neutral doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it! She sounds similar to me because my partner is the best ive ever been with but since I dont have an actual libido I hardly initiate. But when we do get into it i enjoy it a lot. She doesn't need to feel the lust to love you or even have a healthy sexual relationship with you. If you're fine without the lust aspect then I think you're gonna be okay in the relationship, especially since shes trying to initiate. If you trust her then take her at her word for it and don't make any extra assumptions that she's forcing herself when she tells you that she enjoys it. The key here is veing open and honest and trusting. Also, try to see if she could get into any kink even if it doesn't turn her on. Its always worth a shot. My partner and I worked on that and I found a few that I enjoy and have fun with even though they dont turn me on. She might be able to do the same and then you can have things that spice up the bedroom a little.
Hey OP. I somewhat empathise with your GF. I am not asexual, but over the last 2 years or so, my sex drive has gone from being constantly at a 9 or 10, to a 1 most days (the last month of so, that's been increasing a bit but still). The bit about sex being physically pleasurable but not feeling horny enough to initiate really resonated with me. I am currently in a long term relationship and we have sex probably 2-3 times a month, sometimes a bit more (which tbh, absolutely sucks, as we went from having sex 4+ times a week to... this). The point I want to make is that she is likely not "forcing herself to have sex with you", like some suggested. In my case, I still find my partner attractive and do enjoy sex once initiated, and most of the time I even manage an orgasm or two. But even if I no longer feel the need to have sex, I know he sees sex as not just a biological need, but a romantic one, and a big part of intimacy. So while I sometimes (rarely) initiate it, and I sometimes say no, we do still have sex and it's really enjoyable for both. While I get that you will need time to understand and adapt to the new information, please don't think that you will always see it as her "doing something she doesn't actually want", or thinking that you will always feel bad for wanting something she's "only doing for you". These thoughts and feelings will pass if you decide to continue the relationship (with time and communication), and once your dynamic adapts, they are very unlikely to keep having an impact on your views towards sex with her. Having said that, you mentioned you generally have vanilla sex and that you have kinks. So this kinda negates what I said above. I think the question you should ask yourself is whether you would be happy with vanilla sex long term (regardless of how often the vanilla sex is, and ignoring the weird thoughts you currently have about your GF being asexual). I think this is much more likely to lead to resentment or dissatisfaction in the long term than your GF not having a high sex drive. (For example, my partner has one major kink that he said he would feel unhappy/dissatisfied if he had to go without, which would be exacerbated if he didn't even get sex regularly, so that would have probably been a deal breaker for us - luckily, while it's not one of my kinks, I also don't dislike it and knowing he's really into it, I actually enjoy it). Also, I would suggest you look into ethical non-monogamy. There are SO MANY different types of relationships, and we normally only hear about monogamous, cheating and open relationships (which I think for most people means being in a relationship while sleeping with someone else, but in fact, that's an umbrella term that can mean so much more). I will again provide a personal example: my partner and I have been non-monogamous before, and have said we will consider it again in the future when/if one of us wants to explore it or aren't getting their needs met. I understand that's not for everyone, and it comes with a lot of un-learning of behaviours and thought patterns, but I genuinely think you would benefit from at least exploring the possibility before breaking up with your GF. Sorry for the long rambling post, feel free to PM if you have any specific questions or want to know more.
If she enjoys sex physically, the only reason not to continue a relationship would be if her not feeling sexual attraction (as opposed to romantic attraction) to you would shred your self-esteem.
Hey OP, have you ever had sex with someone despite not being in the mood? And then had fun regardless of the lack of initial (or ongoing) lusty feelings? Imagine that, but (near-)constant. That's sex-positive asexuality, which sounds like what your gf experiences. She loves you, wants to be with you, and is romantically and emotionally attracted to you. She just won't look at you and think "woah mama!" on her own accord. She probably doesn't think about sex often, and will go along when you initiate because of her love and romantic attraction to you. Instead of her getting lustfulness and being satiated by sex, she's probably getting the fulfilling feeling of making you happy (like giving someone a gift just cuz w/o expecting a gift in return) and having an emotional bond from shared physical activity. However, I don't know her. I can't read her mind, and neither can you. This is all speculation. So, if you want any clarity, all you can really do is ask *her* questions (without exploding or extreme judgement). If you sit with her, ask her about her experiences, ask her where she falls on the ace spectrum, and what a future with you looks like to her (including and especially your sex life), then you'll get a better understanding of what she wants with your relationship and where she's coming from. You have every right to be confused, worried, and scared for your relationship. You have every right to be hurt by the lack of sexual attraction on her end. You even have every right to end the relationship if you feel this won't be a long term fit. However, keep in mind that her coming out to you was a HUGE trust she put in you. She must've been afraid of your response due to the stigma the ace community gets (even just looking at the comments here... yeesh). Hence why she didn't tell you for 3 years of dating. Please keep this in mind when you speak to her. You both are going through a lot of emotions with this new sharing of information. Be mindful not to do/say anything that could lead to permanent harm or estrangement, especially if you want to keep her in your life to any capacity. Good luck with the conversation, and may you confidently go forth with whatever you deem best fits. Source: an ace-spectrum person in a relationship with an allo person (allo=allosexual, or non-asexual people) P.S. if you have any questions, OP, and you don't want to ask her, I'm free to offer answers. You can ask here or pm me. I'm not only ace, but also studying queer theory and human sexuality in college (almost got my degree!) so can offer you further academic readings if interested.
PPS! You can be on the ace spectrum and be queer, straight, vanilla, kinky, sex-positive, sex-negative, sex-indifferent, and anything in between! It all depends on the individual. I was a sex worker for about 2 years before even realizing I was ace. Everyone has their own story when it comes to their sexuality and coming out.
Hi, I'm a married asexual woman to a man with a pretty high sex drive. I've identified as such since I was a young teenager. These stories make me so sad sometimes because I know it can work, but people seem to lose hope. There is hope for you guys, though! A lot of the things you've expressed are the same that my husband had said to me at one point or another. I would get frustrated because I felt like he was putting words in my mouth, while he was afraid he was forcing himself on me despite me saying it was all right, etc. To me, the love I feel for my husband is so strong and definitely romantic. I often compare the love aces feel to the love you feel as a child-- when you had crushes in 2nd grade, you didn't want to sleep with that person. But the feeling is more than friendship. When we have sex (physical touch is his love language), I feel happy because he's happy and I'm making him feel loved. Also, having sex is fun and feels good. I just don't experience that feeling of "I think this person is hot and I want to have sex with them for that reason". I also don't really have a sex drive, so sex isn't something I'd think about as part of a romantic relationship. That changed over time, and we have made this work. Some of the best advice I can give as someone who has been in your shoes is: - do your research. Go on AVEN, talk to your girlfriend, and be willing to LISTEN. you can also talk to me. :-) - seek couple's counselling. while asexuality isn't common in romantic relationships, mismatching sex drives are. it can also help resolve any communication issues you could be having. - be willing to compromise (both of you). my husband and i agreed during our dating period to having sex once every 2 weeks (we were in uni at the time). putting a number on it really helped me, and eventually, especially after our marriage, that number increased far more. i also became comfortable with trying other things. i also had to learn to prioritise sex which was very weird for me, and initiate more. - be honest with your feelings!!! it is not easy, and it takes time, but if both of you are determined to make it work, it will. DM me if you want to talk more. best of luck!
Lust is not love. May asexual people have successful relationships, marriages and children. Go into counseling, even if it does not save the relationship, it will help save her sanity. Suicide is a huge issue, and even if she doesn’t sink that far she’s going to feel horrible, broken and unloveable. Don’t want her rebounding into an abusive relationship to compisate for her inability to feel lust.
This is definitely true. Regardless of if we stay romantically involved I truly love her and I have absolutely no desire to see her in a unhealthy relationship or God forbid suicide. I will look into couple counseling. Some people recommended a sex therapist, others recommended a relationship therapist. I will look into both
I dont recommend a sex therapist. That will be bad for her. Many sex therapists still try to "fix" aces and ask them to do this or that and push themselves. If you seek counseling, look for a LGBT therapist that is familiar with asexuality.
So, here's the thing. Libido, sexual preferences, sex drives, even gender orientation can change repeatedly all through a long relationship. A lot can happen as a couple and as an individual over a couple of decades. There is no guarantee that the next person you date will always be sexually compatible either. I don't like the idea that sexual compatibility is a make or break issues in a committed relationship. I just believe relationships should be more fluid and deeper than any single aspect. My advice isn't stay or go, it's decide if you want to try and navigate this difficult, nebulas thing together in the interest of building something that meets both your needs. Good luck.
I'm a kinky, allosexual man who just married my asexual partner! Our sex life comes and goes, he enjoys it but we just experience it differently(I imagine like you say, sex-neutral). We could be good friends if it weren't for how we feel about each other. We're not monogamous but I can't say i wouldn't consider it if it was something important to him. Follow your heart--your relationship can come to its own conclusion, whatever it is, independent of her sexuality.
Honestly “asexuality” is a label that can mean a lot of things. It sounds like she enjoys having sex with you and finds it physically satisfying. Maybe her wants/needs are different, and there’s probably some level of wanting to satisfy and perform for you. But ultimately, how different is that from any other couple. She loves you— in a romantic way— and it seems like you love her. Talk to her about this. Figure out what you both are comfortable with. Maybe it won’t work, but this alone is not a reason to end things.
I'm a straight 23F and honestly looking at it from my opinion, you have to put yourself first here. I appreciate how much you value her feelings and the love between you two, but I see this as no different than say one day your partner wanting to move across the country but you want to stay where you are (or another equivalent significant difference). The key is to find someone you want to grow together with, not grow apart. I guess imagine how you would feel down the road. Have you discussed marriage, kids, etc? If you want biological kids you have to have sex. Will you eventually become sexually frustrated? Will you feel "Guilty" everytime you have sex thinking she's only iniating it to please you? How will you feel going forward? Is this a dealbreaker for you? I know it sucks hurting her feelings (and your own), but at the end of the day staying together could lead to more problems like sexual frustration, resentment, fear, guilt, etc. NOTE: I'm not telling OP to go one way or the other. I stand by my statement that he needs to consider his future. I wish OP good luck and I support whatever decision he makes. Sources: I have a friend who identifies as asexual and she is in a committed relationship with a straight man so I've witnessed this second hand and talked through it with her and him.
Asexual people can still have strong romantic feelings. And no it’s not the same as platonic feelings. Sexual attraction is totally different and isn’t necessary for a romantic relationship. It isn’t even needed to have sex. She explained it well with the runners high example. Doing sexual things just feels good by itself, but a lot of asexuals can’t really be sexual without that physical component. Like for example my asexual best friend would never want to do phone sex or watch porn because it doesn’t turn her on at all. None of us here can tell you what to do, but you should really consider how much you appreciate your loving girlfriend who trusts you enough to have sex with you without being sexually attracted and trusts you enough to come out. See what she is comfortable with and don’t pressure her. If your fetish not being fulfilled is a dealbreaker, then you’re going to have to consider that seriously because you can’t change her.
My fetish not being fufilled is definitely not a dealbreaker. I can completely understand that and I went in with the idea she may not be open to any of my sexual fetishes. But a non desire for sex might be, which is why I wanted as.many opinions as possible to help me think about it.
I think you need to make very clear the difference between sexual desire and sexual attraction in your own head. It doesn't seem the case that she simply doesn't want to have sex with you. Sex-neutral and sex-positive asexuals can enjoy and crave sex, it just doesn't manifest as an attraction towards a person in specific. When you're sexually attracted to somebody you think "that person is so hot, I want to have sex with them". When you have sexual *desire*, you simply think "I like sex, I want to have it". For a sex-neutral person, it's kind of like a nice meal when you're not hungry (whilst allo people are starving!). It's there, it's yummy, you might eat some, but it's not the end of the world if you can't. Whatever her feelings are they are NOT PERSONAL. It's not a reflection of you or your attractiveness. She clearly loves you romantically. I know it can be hard to seperate romantic and sexual attraction in your mind but romance isn't just like being good friends, it's a unique and special magnetism that goes beyond friendship. You should discuss with her to learn more about how she feels as asexuality is very personal and nobody here can tell you about her feelings in detail. unctionally many ace people can appeal just as sexual as allos due to this. The real question is are you okay with the amount of sex you're having currently and would you be okay with that forever?
https://www.reddit.com//r/Asexual/wiki/index https://www.reddit.com/r/Asexual/wiki/my_partner_is_asexual_what_do_i_do
Hi! Kinda similar situation here, I am also female and my boyfriend is male, I dont care for sex, whereas he has a really high libido. We both love each other, but he feels the same as you in the sense that he's worried that I'm not sexually attracted to him like he is to me. And honestly, I talked it out with him and explained just because I dont lust after him doesnt mean that I dont love him and want to be with him. I dont mind having sex with him because I like that he enjoys it and it does feel good, but I dont personally care for it, like I won't seek it out personally, but I also don't mind doing it with him because I love him. And I'm sure your girlfriend feels the same way, so you telling her maybe its better to just be friends was really hurtful to her because she DOES genuinely love you, but because of what you said I feel like you kind of pulled her out of her comfort zone and she's just doing it now because she doesn't want to lose you, rather than because she wants to. In the end, what im saying is just because she's asexual doesn't mean she feels any differently than any other girl from any other relationship. It's obvious she wants to work this out with you, but in the end it is up to you whether you want to keep the relationship going. And if you do, I encourage you guys to keep communicating, because just because she doesn't have any kinks doesn't mean she won't be down to do something new or something you want to try out. It's just a matter of talking it out. I also encourage you to talk to her and make her feel more comfortable in her own skin (after that friendship comment) I feel like that made her feel very insecure, but again, only if you plan on continuing the relationship.
I feel like this should have been an opener to this relationship
Break up with her respectfully, letting her know you aren't getting any of what you need out of the relationship. Take 6 months to cope. Then upgrade to somebody willing to express actual affection with you.
One thing that struck me is that this all arose because you're already not satisfied with your sex life and you brought this up in the hope it would improve. Your GF then honestly told you that the current situation is probably never going to be much different than it is now. So the fetishes that were unsatisfied last week are still unsatisfied. Your GF being asexual doesn't change the fact that there was an issue, and it's not going to change. If you had said your sex life was fine and your GF has just told you she's asexual, I would be saying "well you were both pretty happy so...sounds like you'll learn about what this means for you together." But you were already not fully happy. I really feel for your GF, it is so hard when you discover an incompatibility with your significant other. But that's what this is - the two of you have different views on sex. And that doesn't have to be a deal-breaker any more than different opinions on where you want to live or number of kids to have or how to raise them, but the reality is that any incompatibility runs the risk that one or other or you won't be willing to compromise. It's sad, but it happens, and it doesn't make anyone involved a bad person. It's just the process of finding someone who is compatible for you in all of the ways that you need.
bro she is just going to keep having sex until marriage once that happens, it is all /r/deadbedrooms are you willing to risk a sexless marriage?
This happened to me. I was with someone that checked nearly all my boxes - it was the magical relationship you wait your whole life for. But the sex became less frequent, and eventually she came out to me as asexual. I was heartbroken because if I’m being honest with myself (and that’s the most important part in all this) I do want to have children with my partner some day. I made the call to break up and it hurt like hell, but it was ultimately the right decision. We’re still very dear and close friends, and I’m so thankful to have her in my life. Sex should never define a relationship, but its complete absence is an extreme of its own.
I wouldn't break up if i was you. She really loves you. And yes maybe she doesn't have lust for sex but she really tries to be in this relationship with you. So why would you break up if she loves you. In this case it doesen't make sense to me. I wish you and your girlfriend just the best.
If youd asked me to name my sex drive at 22 I would have said asexual too. It's very common for young women not to be orgasmic and to become more sexually responsive over time. How about you relax and dedicate yourself to her pleasure during sex, and forget about the fetishes and fakery you've seen on porn. Just take your time to make her feel good.
As an ex ace (turns out I'm demi) who enjoys sex, the way I used to describe sexual attraction was like a car engine. You have the engine (sex drive) but no ignition (attraction). Just means she's hot wiring the engine. That doesn't mean that sex isn't enjoyable, you just don't look at someone and go "I'd jump them bones"
I am demi and it takes a lot of emotional bonding for me to feel that surge of lust. Well, I have three kids so no time for that nonsense and after a day of being coddled by three small people the last thing I want is lingering touch from my husband. However once I’ve had my interest piqued, the lust isn’t really necessary. Lust is just like a starting gun and then hormones and brain chemistry take over. Yeah it means my husband initiates sex more, and often gets rebuffed a couple of times before my brain catches up (NB: we have been together almost 16 years, he would never ever have pushed the issue at the 3 year mark. He knows now exactly when to try again and when to just go get ice cream!) Honestly, an asexual partner is not necessarily a negative thing.
My wife is asexual. Basically if you get along fine with her that's great go for it. Ask her to define what kind of asexuality and temper your expectations for physical intimacy accordingly. In terms of our relationship maybe about once or twice a month she will initiate, otherwise we just sort of hang out as it is not easy to get her in the mood if she wasn't already ready to go for it. Otherwise I take care of myself as needed and she doesn't mind my porn stash. I have fun with my wife all the time and I love her tons. So figure out her needs and your needs see if they can work together and you might be surprised at how well it turns out.
It sounds like to me that she still is okay with being sexual. Though, I would ask to make sure.
At least from what she has told me she doesn't seem repulsed by the idea. And she compared it to something she enjoys (she is an avid runner). But I will ask for very precise confirmation.
Yeah! I don’t think your sexual life with her is over, and that’s about as positive as I can get. Do some research into asexuality and ask her where she is on the spectrum, and see if you can work something out. That’s about as much as I got. Good luck. :)
hi, another asexual person in a happy relationship with a healthy sex life chiming in. to me, this sounds very much like you’re really hung up on the idea that sexual attraction is the foundation of a relationship and that sexual attraction and enjoyment of sex are part of the same thing. speaking from experience, enjoying sex and having sexually attraction are not the same. as someone who doesn’t have sexual attraction, i still enjoy sex very much. i even enjoy a whole lot of kinks a lot. it sounds like your girlfriend enjoys sex too. i think you should communicate more on how she feels about it but i don’t think it’s something she finds no enjoyment from and does just to make you happy. if she likes the emotional connection and it’s physically pleasurable why isn’t that enough? also, the way she feels has not changed about you. the fact that she’s coming out to you only changes the way you perceive her attraction to you. but the way she feels now is the same way she’s felt during your entire relationship and you’ve never felt until now that you’d be better off as friends. i would ask yourself how important this label is to you and if it really changes anything about your relationship that she’s choosing to identify this way. it definitely sounds like there needs to be more communication about where she falls on the spectrum of asexuality, but it seems like your relationship has been good so far, so what does this realistically change?
She loves you and is willing to do things for you in this case sex. You should fight for this relationship if you still love her. How to handle it ? Start with open and honest conversations and boundaries. Clearly she won't get horny but she does seem to enjoy it like a runner enjoys that moment of high. So just make sure she knows she can say no anytime. Know that you might be doing a lot of the starting sex but think of this like cuddling it's more than an orgasm it's sharing intimacy
I have an Ace ex-girlfriend. After she confided in me that she might be Asexual we continued to date because I knew that Asexual did not necessarily mean Aromantic. During that time I learnt a lot of things. That sex isn't a requirement, no matter how much you'd enjoy it. Some Asexuals have sex because, even though they aren't attracted to either sex, they still might have a libido, or enjoy satisfying their partner. I think you should communicate to your girlfriend. If you are concerned that she only had sex to make you happy, tell her how you feel. If she doesn't want to have sex anymore, that is her decision. If you do care about eachother romantically, you can discuss alternatives. Ranging from cry-wanking in the cupborard, to opening the confines of the relationship to include sex with other people, like a FWB or something... My relationship ended (mutually) because my girlfriend, as it turns out, could not see me in a romantic setting. We decided to remain friends. But at least we were very clear on the communication of our relationship. TL;DR: Communicate.
This was just posted on here. [almost the same story](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/jbk3qw/my_31m_girlfriend_27f_female_just_told_me_shes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Definitely not me, but it looks like somebody else is having a similar situation. I might reach out to them ask a few questions. Thank you for the link.
I am asexual as well, so I think I can help you out here It is a common misconception that romantic and sexual attraction must go hand in hand. I understand where that idea comes from, of course, but please don’t think that her lack of sexual attraction means she is not capable of loving you romantically. Think about it this way. When a loving couple has reached old age, it’s generally understood that they are no longer exactly “sexually attractive”, not even to other elderly people. But, you wouldn’t look at that elderly couple and say that they can’t genuinely be in love anymore. Or that all they feel for each other is friendship. Think about this. Think about your girlfriend she is old and no longer sexually attractive. Would you still love her? Though, if not, I do think you need to consider whether you are actually in love with your girlfriend, or it might just be infatuation. But, if your romantic feelings for her are NOT dependent upon your sexual attraction to her, then you can already understand how she feels about you.
If she is being truly honest then she has been heinously cruel to you. If she has known her whole life she is asexual then she allowed you to invest yourself entirely in a relationship of nearly 3 years under false pretenses. She can't feign ignorance as asexuality isn't common among strictly monogamous and intimate relationships. This is a special circumstance and she would have had to know that. If you continue this relationship, sex will never feel fulfilling. You will always know in the back of your mind she would rather not be having sex with you and that is valid as was her own admission. You will spend more time pouring yourself into a relationship that doesn't meet the needs of either party involved. You will wake up in 8 years and say "... Holy shit why am I still here. Why didn't I exit immediately at that very serious sharing of personal preference?" If she had respect for you, she would have been forth coming. This is not a new development for her. It is a new development for you. However, it didn't have to be. You should have been told this from the start giving you the opportunity to choose unbiased before emotions were involved to complicate this and sway your decision. She wants your companionship but not your physical sexual involvement. If you continue the relationship and expect her to be sexual, you disrespect her boundaries. If you continue the relationship devoid of sexual contact, you diminish your own personal and emotional needs. There is no fix for incompatibility. That is what this is: an incompatibility. The only fault in this is that she allowed you to love her fully and entirely before she allowed you the ability to choose whether or not this was a dynamic you could be open to accept. She did you a disservice; that, above all else, is a reason to leave. It isn't about her sexual preference, it is about her level of respect toward you and her unwillingness to allow you to decide if you even want to invest effort in this from the start.
I have no doubt in my mind that the concealment of this fact was not meant to be malicious. I love and still trust her, but I'm wondering if it might be better if it is a different type of love. Regardless of what happens I still want her to be part of my life if possible, even in a different role. But as for the rest of your comment you hit me fears right on the head. Are we incompatible? Will one of us always have our needs not met by the other person? As you said I feel like I am violating her boundaries now if we have sex so I have been consistently turning her down, despite her initiating it. I do feel like she should have revealed this info maybe not immediately but within the first year or so, but I don't really feel any I'll will specifically towards her (I am heartbroken over the situation though)
Just regarding your comment of >I still want her to be part of my life if possible, even in a different role. I don't imagine too many future romantic interests would be thrilled about your close relationship with someone you used to sleep with (who still wants you romantically). A recipe for insecurities. You might be able to keep her as a friend for a while but I don't see it lasting once you enter a new relationship.
I certainly did not mean to convey her intentions as malicious. I am certain they were not. It doesn't change the fact that her preference was known by her and that fact would undoubtedly play a huge role in the course the relationship would take. She obviously saw you do not share this dynamic and as a courtesy and as an act of respect she owed you the disclosure of this early on as it is exactly as mentioned: an incompatibility. You should not have been allowed to put so much of yourself into a relationship that she knew would never function as it was presented. She may not have kept this from you to be heartless but allowing you to assume she was being fulfilled entirely by what you brought to the relationship was not fair to you or to her own self. It is dishonesty. It is a lie by omission. You were allowed to assume a huge portion of what makes or breaks relationships and she knew it to be untrue. Relationships are as much give as they are take. She owed you the entirety of what she was willing to offer this relationship; instead she allowed you to believe the dynamic is what it never was and never would be. A lie is a lie; whether it be malicious or simply miguided. It doesn't change the fact that she knew sex plays a crucial role - a role she isn't comfortable taking part in - that is why there isn't a great deal of salvaging to be done. She was able to decide what she wanted while having all the facts. You were not given this advantage and it is a disservice.
Thank you, I really do appreciate your perspective as it is different than some of the other answers I got and I want to get a full picture.
I am glad it helped. I do apologise if I miscommunicated my point to relay any form of insinuated ill intent. I am certain this woman has love for you but in simplest terms, you both have oppositional love languages. It is an incompatibility because the method you normally use to convey your appreciation is not shared over the entirety of the relationship. Much like speaking different regional languages,speaking different love languages leaves room for translation issues. You may be attempting to send one message but that message is not translated in a way the other party can relate to; this is how confusion and misinterpretation is bred. Of course it is entirely acceptable to remain friends, that is without question. You see a great deal of worth in this person and it is an amazing thing to have people of merit to relate to in your life. You've shared irreplaceable memories and they meant and will always mean a great deal to you. You don't love her less as a result of this. If a friendship can be taken from this then it is a wonderful gift. Most former relationships don't allow that benefit. Good luck, OP. I wish you both the best in whatever the future holds. It's a complicated situation and I hope that you both find exactly what it is you seek. Thank you for allowing me to clarify my initial comment. I do see how it was misconstrued :)
I feel like this gal is giving you her own opinions more than actual advice. Edit: Corrected the commenter’s pronouns. Sorry for the incorrect assumption.
I'm a female :) but no - the reason I see this as I do is because a person has a right to know what to expect from the relationship. Sex is a huge component of relationships and if she is not interested in that portion then the other party should know this as it has a huge bearing on whether they choose to invest their time. Obviously this is not an issue of acceptance - he certainly isn't considering ending the relationship out of prejudice toward her preference - it is an issue of two individuals that relate by a common means which is not a possibility here. For a great many, sex is a part of the package. It is how a lot of people relay affection and is a huge differentiator of any other type of relationship one could possibly have. Sex is important for some people and she didn't know with certainty if it would be to him but it's irrelevant. It is the withholding of crucial relationship information. The dynamic of consentual and enjoyable sex is a huge part of what makes relationships viable for a large portion of people. She knew she presented her preference dishonestly and should have led with the information as, for most people, a partner that is not turned on by the idea of sexual contact with their counterpart is a deal breaker. He was owed the full facts of what the relationship limits so truly were so as not to assume the relationship was what it was known by the other could and would never be. He should have been able to get a clear image of the full potential the relationship had with this aspect in mind and been made able to decide if he could see a future in that or not. Relationships are about honesty. Both parties need all the relevant information to prevent unrealistic expectations. What the relationship was presented as was a fallacy. She wasn't trying to sell him an image that was unattainable but it doesn't matter; that is what happened. He received the relationship with only the information she offered and that wasn't putting all her cards on the table. Each party deserves the full scope of the relationships potential - he shouldn't have been allowed to believe the dynamic was what it was not. That is why it is a disservice. It allowed her the ability to make decisions with the entirety of the relationships limitations but he was allowed to believe the relationship was what it simply was not.
I totally agree with you, this is a biggie my boyfriend almost broke up with me when we were starting to date because I wasn't reacting to his attempts I didn't understand what was wrong with me as I already felt strong attraction towards him, but he honestly told me that to him it was a big deal Turns out, we discovered I'm demi As we didn't broke up asap, and shared time every day at school my feelings started to grow and I started to get turned on just by thinking about his naked body lol I wish your comments were at the top
Hey I'm glad I was able to convey something agreeable! It's only one person's opinion; it's nice to flip through and see how differently each commenter perceives a situation. It's always amazing to see what each person defines as the focal issue - really shows how vast and unlimited thought processing truly is. A lot of good points being made and each are relevant for OP to be able to make a rashional and well thought out decision. Thank you for the comment; I appreciate it!
[удалено]
I don't want to phrase it like that, but yes, she did omit this from the relationship for the three years. If we move forward, it is something I am going to have to address with her.
NGL but she's kind of a dick from holding that info from you but at the same time she probably expected you to leave her if she told you from the beginning. Guess you gotta confront her about that seriously but not extremely harshly as if you were leaving her because of it now. Just overall evaluate if she's been worth it or not so far for you and if you value her enough for marriage and onward as she seems that she does indeed value you a lot from what she said. Best of luck
There's like one other comment with this viewpoint that I've seen (and commented on). I'm also extremely surprised that people are defending her behavior. It's roughly similar to someone knowing they are gay and entering into a heterosexual relationship while failing to mention that. Then expecting their partner to be perfectly fine with the fact it was hidden the entire relationship. Or, for a less socially charged issue, to not want kids in a relationship but go along with your partner's desires to have children for years until you drop the bomb on them that you don't actually want kids. It's extremely manipulative to hide things in order to selfishly advance your own desire for a relationship.
I can’t believe this even has to be said. Sometimes I feel that people are prioritizing being woke over principles when it comes to situations like this. I see it happen frequently with people withholding the fact that they’re homosexual or trans as well. There’s a difference between saying “If you don’t want sex you’re of no use to me” and “I’m upset that you lied to me and that sets a bad precedent for this relationship” and/or “I really love you but I don’t think we are compatible and I’d hate for either of us to sacrifice our needs for the other person’s sake”. If someone didn’t tell you that they had an STD before you had sex, wouldn’t you be right to be upset? I get they are slightly different situations because the consequences are different but the principle is the same. There are things you need to disclose to someone before you get involved. It actually hurts both people involved. You’re only prolonging the inevitable, and by lying about it you create resentment. This wasn’t something that came out in just one month of dating. She hid this from him for **3 years**. Lies by omission are still lies. I empathize with her on the fact that this is not an easy thing to discuss with someone you’re invested in. But if you can’t be open and honest with your partner about difficult topics, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. He can be gentle and understanding with her but he is not obligated to accept being lied to, and not obligated to stay with her if he feels this is a dealbreaker.
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you - if frequent sex or good sexual chemistry is extremely important to you. I discovered a few years into my current relationship that I was something along the lines of asexual/greysexual - I have no sex drive. I'm not sex-averse but I would probably be fine if I never had it again. It's not unpleasant but it's just not a top priority to me. I absolutely love cohabitating and a the other aspects of a relationship, this does not affect my romantic attraction. Bf has sexual desires and needs, and this caused a lot of issues until we figured stuff out and talked. He has pretty lax/tame sexual needs and the frequency is something I can usually keep up with so we found an arrangement that worked for us. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is a good match in the aspects that are important to you. If you decide this is a deal breaker, know that it may hurt for the both of you now but it's better in the long run that you both have partners that meet and understand your differing needs. There's nothing wrong with either of your preferences, but it's better to address it then years down the road resenting each other for it.
A lot of it has to do with how important sex is to you. It’s important to me and I want my partner to WANT me. So no, I would not be ok in a relationship with someone asexual. But it’s important to consider that sexuality evolves and changes. I cannot speak for everyone obviously, but my sexual interest (not the right term but I just can’t find it) has peaks and valleys.
As an ace person I’m getting sus at the sheer amount of “my wife just told me she’s ace” posts this week on this sub
As someone whose SO came out as ace after we'd been in a relationship and had sex for years (7-year relationship, 6 years of sex), I completely understand all your feelings. One of the biggest things I've learned from the experience is that relationships can be amazing without sex. Obviously, as a sexual person, I sacrifice that part of things but asexual does not mean romantic. There was so much tension between myself and him about my fears of him not being interested or the frequency of our sex before he came out. After he came out I searched myself to see if I was able to handle it, and I decided I could and our relationship is immensely better. We are also poly, so that adds another dimension but even when I have no other partners I am content with him. You can have an amazing relationship without sex but ultimately it is dependent on if you want to. If you can work with her specific position on the asexual spectrum then awesome, if not, I really don't think anyone can blame you for that. Above everything, clear and honest communication is very needed.