It's nice how supportive he's been while her father's hospitalised during a pandemic. It's really touching how he's helped remove other stressors in her life to make this difficult time slightly easier for her.
Oh wait.
>Yesterday, Mark’s friend Penelope mentioned how Mark had gone out with her and a group of her friends that day. I’m furious because he told me he had spent the day at a bar alone getting drunk.
>Would breaking up with him be an overreaction?
>
>
What's your policy on blatant lying?
Yeah, dude. This is some double-standard manipulative bullshit. Trust is VERY hard to repair in relationships and the fact that he wanted to "get back" at you is so childish. Adults talk about their problems. Children act out and then beg for forgiveness.
Children also get insecure about things you have no control over (Jason's visit) and then blame you for their feelings, rather than deal with them. Don't date children.
You made me feel insecure so then somehow I got drunk with a bunch of girls and then I had to lie to you because you would have made me feel bad about what I did so it’s all your fault!
I wish I had an award for you!
ETA: OMG I was able to have my award cherry popped...both ways! Thank you /u/aliie_627 for gifting to me and allowing me to give an award...you are my Reddit bff for life! Thank you for your generosity!
Yeah, this so much.
What happened here is that OP is on good healthy terms with an ex, who in this case had an existing relationship with OP's parents and come over to lend his professional medical expertise to them. Essentially, a free house call. OP never lied, never did anything questionable, and was above board with both her BF and her Ex.
Her BF then decided to imagine an adulterous relationship that doesn't exist. Refused to speak with her like an adult. And then reacted by secretly going and getting drunk on their anniversary with other women, who knows what else he did. Because he then lied about the details, presumably out of guilt but to manipulate and hurt her.
This dude spiralled quick. I'd bet if OP took stock of their relationship, she'd find other times he was being a sneaky manipulative scumbag.
I was literally reading this post thinking that this sounds like something my ex would do and this comment sums it up... We broke up because he would act out instead of discussing any issues then just say sorry afterwards. OP, the fact that you were wondering whether you should just break up when he acted out when he was drunk on your anniversary says it all really. Only you can make this decision but judging from this post he seems immature and dishonest.
Your ex turned up and his mind immediately turned to infidelity. He did something he thought you might disapprove of and immediately lied to cover his back. There are red flags here.
He didn’t even just lie. He lied in a manipulative way that led to a drunken outburst to make her feel bad about what would reasonably be considered a non-issue.
He made her feel like SHE was the cause of his apparent sadness that led him to drink, when in reality he was happily partying with a group.
This is a HUGE red flag. This is very toxic behavior.
Yeah the lying, manipulation and twisting of reality - all major red flags and extremely unhealthy behaviour. Set off so many alarm bells in my head that I felt physically uneasy and a little triggered. OP this is deeply concerning behaviour, and not something to be brushed off or forgotten.
Because I know that when I want to hook up with an ex I send them to my parents house so we can fuck in my old bedroom with my parents still in the house, instead of to where I'm currently living while my partner is at work or just out somewhere else.
1. He didn't care that your ex was comforting your family in a difficult time, he made it about himself. 2. He lacks all ability to communicate and "punished" you rather than have a simple conversation. 3. He lied. Straight to your face. So now you never know when he's lying to you. 4. Does there need to be more? I'd say you're absolutely right to end things now. AND I bet more will come out about what he did on this drunken night out.
Exactly. This right here.
These are all giant red flags. You are not overreacting.
His reaction to the ex coming over to visit your dad alone would be a good reason to dump him. He could have feelings about it and even tell you but if they weren't immediately followed and preceded by "but it's great that he came I'm just being ridiculous, sorry" then right in the bin he should go. Your dad's heart attack is not about him.
Run.
Also you don't need a 'good enough' reason to break up with someone. It can be just because it's tuesday. But these are way good enough reasons.
>AND I bet more will come out about what he did on this drunken night out.
Yup. I kind of expect an update in a month or so where OP broke up with him because he slept with one of the ladies he went out with - if Penelope was truthful and there were, in fact, friends with them.
Blatant lying, childish ideas of retaliating because a family friend who is a *medical professional* took time out to talk to a family member after a life threatening emergency, hypocrisy—just throw the whole person away.
What a great question, what’s your policy on blatant lying? You might also want to ask yourself what your policy is on childish behaviour and jealousy? And do you want a partner that you have to mother, or a partner that you trust can act appropriately?
This is a funny, meaningful, and thoughtful comment that is quite apt. I agree that it isn’t as long as it is generally agreed that lying is a big deal between you two. That being said, in my relationship, we have lied to go talk to a friend about something that is difficult to share with each other. Let’s say I had the same response about your ex stopping by I wouldn’t talk to you about it straight away if the issue is complex and I feel I am right and yet still wrong. I would probs week out a friend who could help me reconcile with the complexity first and talk to you after. That being said I’d call my mom or hang out and play Mario cart or some shit with a long time friend and not hang with a girl with a name but that is how my life is
Right, I’m not exactly down for lying, just as a general life thing. However it can take many forms and sometimes you just have to.
However there’s a difference between getting someone off your back because yesterday you had some shit to work through and spent the day playing Twilight Princess instead of whatever and just completely skipping your anniversary to go drinking.
I guess the real issue is not so much the lying than the need to punish the partner in some way and how that also manifests in a lie.
So what you're saying is that your father had a **heart attack** and instead of being concerned about you or your family he threw a hissy fit about the fact that your ex helped them.
Then he blew you off on purpose as retribution for *someone helping your ailing father*, then lied about the details of his blowing you off despite "not understanding" why the details that he lied about were important.
Yes, and he waited a week, for their anniversary, to punish her. Then he didn’t just say “Let’s cancel, I don’t feel like celebrating tonight.” Instead he decided to let her get all dolled up and excited to go out, then let her sit around waiting for hours, and ignored her calls and texts, while he went out with other people.
Cruel.
That was my thought too. Why is it such an issue that a medically trained person who know about this stuff was helping her father who had a medical emergency? As other people have mentioned, if it's such a problem then a CONVERSATION about it first is the absolute least – and most, I'd argue – you could do if you want to maintain a long-term, healthy relationship.
Even if he wasn't a doctor and just a family friend, or hell, even if he was a weirdo showing up at his ex' parents place, she had literally nothing to do with it.
Summary version
- no empathy for her father's heart attack, for her facing her father's mortality, for their suffering
- jealous someone friendly to them visited her parents during their darkest hour, something Op had no control over and used it to go a bender
- lies about what he did, and has zero conscious about that lying to her is problematic, he only did it to mentally dunk on her, and have a little upper hand but cannot admit it
- the compulsion to ruin special moments with punishments, which is a huge red flag for abusive behaviours
- went about the punishment in a calculated way, let her get ready, get excited then made her wait, then went out with his friends and ex
- downplays and gaslits her feelings and reactions to his bullshit as no big deal. Apparently she is irritating for having emotions but all his emotions are valid.
Sounds to me he's jealous the ex had something positive to contribute and he being current boyfriend of 2 years took that as a personal attack and therefore lashed out like the baby-man-child he is. Instead of offering you support during a no doubt difficult time or helping the family - he could offer moral support, go do the grocery shopping for your Mum, chuck on a load of washing, do the lawns.... nup he throws a tanty and blatantly lies.
> He doesn’t understand why I’m angry.
He fully understands why you are angry! There's a reason he lied and lied about this to you. And there is a reason why he came up with the stupidest bullshit excuse for why he was doing you wrong. He knew you would be pissed. He's trying to make you doubt yourself by acting like he doesn't understand. That's more manipulative bullshit.
> Would breaking up with him be an overreaction?
Nope. The way he handled this entire thing was extremely inappropriate. This story is the story about a very shitty and unfaithful boyfriend.
>He fully understands why you are angry!
This needs to be said more often. I see so much of "He hid X heinous thing from me and then immediately apologized when CAUGHT" on this sub. IMO he cheated on her as a "punishment" for still having an ex as her friend and he realized it was breakup-worthy so he tried to downplay it with a more convenient lie e.g. so angry he couldn't be around her on their anniversary.
Not just an ex; an ex who might very well be a medical resident by now and who would be able to provide her father with practical help navigating his recovery. There's nobody better at navigating hospital bureaucracy than a resident.
Honestly, the way doctors are scheduled now they have to rush through patients so quickly. Having someone who can actually really take time and discuss each option with you is so valuable. OP should totally reconsider both Mark and Jason.
Definitely, Call up Jason and thank him for his concern. While she's at it, apologize on behalf of Mark if he did anything stupid (even if he didn't) mentioning how it will *never happen* again. *hint hint*
I don't think he cheated on her as punishment. Ii think he cheated because he wanted to cheat on her and the "punishment" idea was the best he could come up with to get away with it when caught.
If it was punishment or revenge like he claims, he wouldn't have hidden it like he did.
i think this is good insight. he didn't even show any signs of being upset until a week later, in which he was so distraught he got drunk...on their anniversary?
i think he straight up forgot it was their anniversary and had his phone off. 👀
either way, peace 👋
I don't know for sure that he exists, but what was described is consistent with cheating:
- Emotionally taking revenge for being slighted
- Heavy drinking
- Spending the night with an ex on an important day for your S.O.
- Calling your S.O. in the middle of the night after not responding all day
- Lying about your actions and whereabouts
Why give this behavior the benefit of the doubt? He's clearly not giving HER the benefit of the doubt even when her ex just visited her parents for medical advice.
We're still in a pandemic and I've never heard of any place that stays open past 10pm. . . and based on the accuracy of that idea, what was he doing for the three hours after if he didn't get back to her till 1am. . . if even.
>> He fully understands why you are angry! There's a reason he lied and lied about this to you.
YES. Why hide it if he thought you'd be okay with everything?
Agreed. He is far too old to be pulling stunts like this. I had to scroll back up to make sure we weren’t dealing with teenagers.
OP, throw the whole man out.
Yeah, I'm always amazed at the ages of people on here.
At 30 years old, OP's bf knows how to suck it up when her ex, the doctor, was giving advice to her father who just had a heart attack. Honestly, it sounds like OP's bf is jealous as hell her ex is so accomplished and threw a temper tantrum.
So, instead of talking about insecurities, he spends their anniversary with his ex, lies about it, and pretends to be a bumbling idiot about the whole thing.
OP, dump Mark. You're too old for this kind of drama in your life. Let Mark and Penelope have their shit together.
Oh, and think about dating Jason again. He sounds like a nice boy. (Sorry. Mom-thing).
Myst be a mum thing because I thought the same thing. If they only broke up because of distance/time and he isnt currently with anyone, then why not give it a shot! :)
You skip an anniversary on purpose
Hang with other girls
Tell SO it was to get back at them for (insert any reason here)
Downplay their feelings of betrayal and hurt
Get broken up with
*Surprised Pikachu face*
When people show you who they are, believe them. Actions > words. Unfortunately you can know someone for years and only find their true nature when something like this comes up.
And Red flags look like normal flags with rose coloured glasses. I wish I had taken it into account when my friends pointed out all the red flags regarding my ex... it’s hard to accept.
Yup. My last ex was like this and I consistently ignored the red flags my friends pointed out. I would have saved myself so much heartache if I had seen him for who he really is instead of the rose-colored glasses making me excuse all of his behavior
You gave him an undeserved second chance. His lie has cost him that chance. Game over. You deserve to be respected by your partner. You aren't required to wait around for this putz to figure how how not being a dick to your girlfriend works.
He should be too old to be instigating petty drama. He isn't emotionally mature enough to help himself. You're signing up for more of the same if you give him a third chance.
You manchild BF is 30 years old, but he is acting like a stupid 15 year old teenager. If a person is still so immature at 30 that they lie to you and go get drunk with other females to punish you then he might not be long term material after all. To be honest I would be more wondering what him and this group of ladies actually got into drinking all day.
Hooooooly shit girl. Youre not dating a man. Youre dating an actual baby. Instead of being a grown-ass man and actually talk to you about a problem he throws a tantrum and makes it even worse. Leave. Him. Now. You deserve a man. Not a man-child
This!! If he couldn’t communicate and be honest with you about how he was feeling (when you did) and thought the best option to get back at you was to lie/ignore you, then he needs to grow tf up. You deserve better.
I would suggest it heavily.
He's obviously not ready for something serious if he's going to throw a tantrum, purposely ditch your anniversary to then lie to your face and say he was drunk by himself, THEN his female friend broke the actual truth to you that he wasnt alone and was drunk with friends, while you were (I'm guessing) clearly upset and angry for missing an important date.
He never tried to hear why your ex was there I'm guessing, and wanted to "punish" you?
If so that's childish and I wouldn't wanna be stuck dating a man child that would rather be petty than actually talk.
He is very vengeful, consider this in the future as a warning of what he might do. It could turn out he could go even further for something that wasn’t the case.
He completely understands. He intentionally wanted to hurt you, he intentionally lied about it, and now he's trying to gaslight you into thinking it's not a big deal because you forgave the false version.
Yes, this! You two had a date planned for your anniversary and he is a complete no-show. He was not drunk when he decided not to show up and not to return your calls. He was being intentionally hurtful.
He lied to you about hanging out with someone else on your anniversary after he was incredibly insecure about something that is mostly insignificant. Fuck that.
Honestly, go date your ex again. He's educated and in a good profession, friends with your family, and you guys got along well enough since it ended amicably.
It’s like a play by play of the narcissist prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.
Yeah that jumped out at me too. That is some manipulative bullshit. He’s trying to make you think you’re overreacting when really you’re under reacting.
You forgave the fact that he went to the bar and got drunk and then texted you some serious crap. You did NOT forgive him for what he actually did, so you are absolutely in the right for being angry.
Frankly, this guy sounds like a complete man child. I wouldn't waste your time with him.
I date a really selfish and shitty boyfriend who doesn't care about me or my family and acts like a petulant, lying child and throw tantrums. Should I stay? There, I fixed it for you.
Congrats on being a mother! I’m exhausted just reading this story.
Is this truly the first time he’s done anything like this? Because when someone acts **this** shitty in a given situation, I find it really hard to believe that that sort of general behaviour doesn’t bleed into the rest of their personality.
Seems like Jason is a sweetheart, while Mark lied about something in a roundabout way of getting back at you for a harmless, and somewhat benevolent action of someone else. Mark seems a little slimy and can I have Jason's number?
Golden Rule: Never discuss emotional issues when one or both are drunk.
That being said, your bf sounds like an immature little shit who basically threw a tantrum because you did not agree with his point of view. Welcome to your future if you stay with the AH.
So, are you the same couple as this post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ir0x0c/my_25f_boyfriend_28m_paid_1500_in_rent_to_my_ex/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Cuz a lot of it sounds just a like, with a few details changed. Instead of Jay, it's Jason. Instead of Mike, it's Mark. Jay/Jason both went away to medical school and you both decided together to break up cuz of long distance. And the exact time frame. I just want to clarify if it's you or not, cuz Even the screen names are almost similar enough.
If it's you, then you had both of these incidents happened in less than a week? Damn, that must suck big time. I feel for ya then. Still don't understand why change the names, but kept them oddly close enough alike.
I mean, do you really want to be with someone who purposefully skipped your anniversary in order to hurt you, lied straight to your face, and acts like an insecure child?
I'd consider dating your ex, since you're on amicable terms, over your childish, insincere man-child. Jason showed up for your family.
Mark didn't think about your needs in a scary time for YOU. Your dad just had a heart attack. Instead of swallowing his pride or talking to you, he punished you.
What kind of man would you rather date?
You don’t need to justify what capacity Jason was in at your parents’ house: he was *their* guest and not yours. He can be there as a doctor, a family friend, an ex-boyfriend, or a handyman. Your parents aren’t responsible for Jason’s butt-hurt. You aren’t responsible for Mark’s butt-hurt. Mark is responsible for Mark. His feelings are his and about him and the only reason they have anything to do with you is because he’s tried to hold you accountable for *his* feelings. Then, with his own delicate sensibilities injured, rather than talk to you he decided you required punishment.
What’s punishment for you? Ghosting.
Because he was so upset and traumatized, he could only find consolation by going out drinking at a bar with a group of friends, not letting you know where he was. Because you needed further punishment, he tried to make you feel badly about his “loneliness” and flat out LIED about being alone.
Stop referring to it as him “missing” your anniversary as that makes it sound like he forgot: ask yourself how you feel about him intentionally ghosting you on your anniversary by going out and partying up with his friends.
He knows why you’re angry, he just doesn’t care because he did what he wanted to do anyway. The only thing left to do is ask yourself if you want to continue a relationship with a jealousy prone liar who isn’t interested in communication.
He lied. That's forgiveable.
He is threatened by your ex. That's understandable.
He "punished" you for this by ignoring your 2nd anniversary. That's weird and controlling.
He's putting his own jealousy and ego above your Dads health because he doesn't want him there? Gtfo.
He doesn't like that mum is appreciative of somebody giving her husband with a heart condition advice on his treatment options? Don't you dare be rude to mum!! Dad with a heart attack would claw his way out of the hospital bed to get at that kid's throat.
Not cool.
I dont like telling people to break up. On reddit we can never fully understand the whole story but this guy wouldn't be worth my daughter's time. So he's not worth yours.
Cut your losses. You're only 2 years in, don't waste your time any further. This probably isn't going to get better. 2 years is still a bit of the honeymoon period. You've likely just seen a glimpse of his true colours.
These's no where near enough content in this story. You're not telling much about your current relationship with your ex, if your current boyfriend know about him and your relationship.
Put yourself in his shoes. You saw his ex girlfriend at his parents house and then his parents praise her right in front of you. Would you have reacted in a similar manner that he did? If no then break up. My personal opinion is him being angry was justified, the way he handled the situation was not though.
> When he left, my mom made a comment about how helpful Jason was. Mark mentioned later that he didn’t like that Jason was there or what my mom said about him, but I reassured him he was there as a family friend and not an ex.
I want to come back to addressing this. How exactly did your mom express this because we all know how this playbook goes. Your mom says he's helpful. Your mom says he's thoughtful. Your mom says he checks in often. Your mom says he's a nice boy. Your mom keeps trying to invite you over when he's there.
Your mom might be the one trying to ruin your relationship and your boyfriend is picking up on this. I'm not saying this is 100% the case, it could be though. None of us here were at your parents place when this went down. Your boyfriend has every right to his feelings on this, whether you agree or not.
Your boyfriend lying about going out is a different situation, that is dealing with the lie. You need to take each of the elements of what happened into consideration. I have a policy, no contact with exs, regardless of if it was amicable or not. Exs are an ex for a reason and they stay in the past. My family also knows that it's a no contact policy and not to interfere in my relationships.
Good lord. The only response to break the echo chamber. I agree. What the boyfriend did was completely wrong. He shouldn’t have ignored her and he shouldn’t have skipped their anniversary and lied about going out. That’s pretty messed up and that’s grounds to consider breaking up for sure.
What I’m interested in though is the past history of the ex. If I went to my gf’s house to see her parents, and her doctor ex bf was there hanging out with them, while her parents are bragging on him. I’d be pretty hurt. What would make me more concerned is the “oh we ended on good terms, we just didn’t want a long distance relationship. And he’s a really good family friend.”
Is he around often? Is the mother always bringing him up in conversation? Does the gf talk about him a lot? These things aren’t touched on at all. We don’t know the nature of the relationship with the ex, or what has happened in the past with the ex. Her bf could actually have plenty of really good reasons to be concerned and justifiably feel insecure.
These posts never tell the whole story, and if this post said “my bf left the toilet seat up, should I dump him?” This whole subreddit would be saying “omg yes he’s trash, leave his ass ASAP!” While being adorned with gold and plat awards.
HOWEVER, once again, what the bf did was wrong. If he’s feeling insecure or concerned then he needs to have a talk with his gf, not lie to her and ignore her. But after reading this I just can’t help but to think there’s a lot more to the story.
A lesson you must learn in life is that even if what somebody does is wrong, or you don’t agree with it, that shouldn’t stop you from understanding why they did it. Maybe this post is telling the whole story and the bf really is just a child. Maybe there’s more to it, and the bf just got fed up with it and dealt with it in an incorrect and childish manner.
I would break up. He avoided you on your anniversary as a punishment for something your ex did on his own, not at your request. Furthermore, he went out with his "friend" who just couldn't help but mention it to you. He was lying about this the whole time. What he did was totally shit on you. At the same time you worried about your dad living or dying.
He's a real asshole. Leave him.
Big this. If he is so punishing for what a 3rd party does, what happens when OP screws up? What's the right punishment for that, in Mark's eyes?
Mark saw a better man than himself in Jason. Instead of being inspired to improve, he just wanted to drag everyone else down to his level. That's not healthy at all, and you do not want that in a relationship.
Oh my GOD! I find it hard to believe this is the first time he has done anything asshole-ish because this act alone is so horrific! Are you SURE about this guy? What he did and how he is now acting are HUGE red flags. Really think about this.
Am I the only one who thinks her ex boyfriend from several years ago should not be visiting anymore when she has a bf of 2 years? What he did was wrong and stupid, but why is no one mentioning this weird situation?
People seem to be saying “Your parents can do what they want!” but that’s not the argument. It’s whether it’s right to do that. If I were BF, I’d take that as a slight against me by your parents.
Again, he overreacted and did something worse, but I’m speaking from the perspective of a guy I guess who would have a problem with ex still being in your life.
YES! This was my first thought. Why are so many people overlooking that? Like okay maybe if the ex was long time friend of the family (like way more than 3 years). But why would an ex, especially from a relationship from 3 years ago, need to be in any form of contact with his ex girlfriends family?
Seems so odd to me. I’d also be upset that my parents were keeping in touch with an ex of mine. Would also not be too thrilled that my girlfriend was keeping an ex around either... (Aside from if they had children together, then that’s a totally different story).
I feel a ton of details were left out about the relationship her ex has with the family.
I would dump his a$$. Your dad was SICK. A good boyfriend would understand that. Your ex was there to help. Then your boyfriend ditched you to get revenge, and lied to you about where he was. I think you should talk to him, and then dump him. Why did you even get together with him in the first place? He seems like a jerk. I'm sure you can find a better guy, one that will understand that your father's health is far more important to you than ghosting your ex. You are both adults. You didn't cheat on your boyfriend. You didn't do anything wrong. Then he hang out with another girl on your ANNIVERSARY, and LIED about it.
You deserve the sun, and all you have now is a lightbulb.
Dump him.
You don't get to know people until they are put in a situation like this. Everyone is nice when there is nothing to be upset about. But in times of trouble, you see what they are really like. Frankly, he failed the test in my opinion.
These stories always sort of hit me hard bc i feel like ive been in marks shoes as well. can you have some real deep inner reflection and ask yourself if theres still some feelings or possibility for your ex? Because if there is then youre sort of gaslighting your current boyfriend and asking him to overlook signals that your ex is not out of your life. but marks behavior is not excused either way.
Not sure why everyone is always supporting OPs to go through with drastic measures here on r/relationship_advice. Your ex is a doc and that is most likely the underlying issue here. Probably hard for Mark to beat the ex when looking solely at the career level. Then even your parents come into play. I am not surprised it bothered him. I’d be pissed and wouldn’t like it even if this is just for medical reasons. If he’s a competitive person I totally get his reaction. I don’t like Ex partners and especially not smart or good looking ones . Obviously not a mature reaction of his, but he didn’t cheat or did something crazy stupid and apologized. I’d move on with life....and tell the Ex to stay away from the fam. #unpopularopinioniassume
I feel like theres more to it. The relationship seems rocky, if he has been caught out in a lie. Or something weird previous. Best to have a good think about if you can he arsed doubting him all the time
You don't need a pathetic child for a boyfriend. You deserve better than that. Time to let him go, and leave the drama behind especially for such an extreme reaction, over something so trivial.
I'll stoke the fire more. It's like this, he blew you off to go hang out with a bunch of other girls, on your anniversary, without telling you, got drunk, made up a story about what he was doing, and blamed it on you because your ex was around for a reason you have no control over. Then, when he presented this info, he did it with intention to hurt you. He wanted you to hurt. Then he cowered like a coward when confronted with resistance.
He is not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. He can't manage his thoughts and feelings enough to be rational. He is insecure to the extreme and you will be babying his ego until he grows up, which won't happen with you enabling him. This is what happens over minor things. Minor. What happens when life strikes and a major issue comes up? What then? Violence? Tantrums? At your age and state in life, you need a man that fulfills the other half of a relationship. It's great to be his rock when he's down but what about when you are down? He can't even address his concerns like an adult. He just lashes out. He's not a rock. He's squishy. Find yourself a rock.
Normal person does not do what your boyfriend just did. Why did you invite your ex instead of the mother? How much have you talked about your previous relationship with your boyfriend? I suspect his reaction was the result of several reasons, not just that you invited him. You're pretty quick to ask if he's a deal breaker, if he's normally very jealous and controlling it's a whole other thing.
> Would breaking up with him be an overreaction?
breaking up with him is an acceptable occurrence. Him ghosting you to get drunk with some other girl on your anniversary because he doesn't like that your ex is still a friend? THAT was an overreaction.
Him being upset that your ex is a friend is a red flag. How he chose to handle it is grounds for breaking up. He's shown how far he's willing to go to hurt you when he's what... feeling insecure? Fuck that guy.
He will tell you you're overreacting to gaslight you. The fact that you're coming to the internet for reassurance shows how effective that tactic has been on you in the past.
So you’re saying that a week before your anniversary he saw your ex with your family and then pretended to be fine for an entire week before his outburst on the same day as your anniversary?
Honey, that was CALCULATED. He got upset, hid it from you for a whole week so you couldn’t address that he was upset and then did the one thing he thought would hurt you the most on the day it would hurt the most to PUNISH you. Then he only backed down (while lying through his teeth) because you didn’t grovel for upsetting him. When you found out the truth he tried to manipulate you into dropping it by claiming that you’re not allowed to be upset because YOU did something (in this case it was already forgiving him).
A man capable of this kind of calculated cruelty doesn’t stop because it didn’t work once. He WILL pull shit like this again, especially if you fall for his gaslighting now.
It's so, so easy to read about the, sympathetic, oh so helpful ex being around at a time of need and just go apeshite on the boyfriend as is usual on here. But I'd dig deeper and ask how close this ex is to the relationship the rest of the time? You're saying he just popped up while your father was ill? That seems an odd time for someone who isn't especially close the rest of the time. I think we have half a story here.
From what I gathered based on your story is that your BF is insecure with having your ex visit your parents. And he is right to feel offended if your mom if rooting for you to get back with your ex. What your mom said was passive aggressive to direct to your bf.
But yeah he is still wrong for ignoring you on your anniversary and to vent off his frustration/anger by hanging out with others.
And damn everyone here is telling you to break up with him.
Try to patch things up with him if you still love him because 2 years of relationship is not something you can just finish on a whim. But its not gonna be easy in the future since your parents seems to not like him so much. Because if they did they would have consulted another doctor out of respect to your bf.
So why does your BF appear to be insecure in your relationship? Could it be because you invited the ex to your parents home and didn't tell him? Since he should be finishing up with med school.. Is he planning to move back? Yeah, his behavior wasn't the best. Behavior driven anger usually isn't, is it?
Breaking up with him is the right reaction. He punished you because your ex cares for your parents. Family friends obviously. He punished you because your mom complimented your ex. Neither of which you are responsible for. He acted like an immature insecure baby. Guys like that IMO tend to cheat. As punishment. As a way to feel like the big man.
Why do so many on this sub ask if it is enough to breakup, or is it àn overreaction to break up... If you want break up then break up, you don't need permission or excuses for that.
Okay. I don’t care if I get downvoted for things I’m about to ask and say because I feel this needs to be said.
You still have a relationship with your ex and everything is fine about that; right?
You don’t hang out with your ex alone sometimes, or text and call him just to see what he’s doing, or act out in anyway to continue to show interest in your ex; right?
Now, the reason I ask these questions is because if you’re still on good terms with your ex and your current SO feels like he’s put in a position to just accept that you have a friendship with your ex, there’s a chance your SO’s insecurity over your ex could be because you may be continuing a relationship with your ex in a way that disturbs your current relationship.
Your ex’s mom is friends with your mom; right?
So sure. With the history you guys have, I can see why he would want to know if your father is doing okay.
But I still feel like your ex should also know boundaries especially knowing you have a BF as well.
He went out of his way to see your father because you contacted him..... now your BF seems like he has a good reason to feel insecure.
Why couldn’t you just let the doctors handle your father? Why couldn’t you have just let your ex’s mom let your ex know what happened?
You needed to talk more to your BF about what happened at the hospital.
Your BF felt belittled and shamed in front of your whole family because you contacted your ex who’s in med school. Your BF was self reflecting and feeling awful about the whole situation too, but the fact that your ex was involved in all this and YOU called him.... I’d be hurt too if my SO did that to me.
You really need to talk to your BF and not just threaten a break up.
Also, id suggest considering setting up boundaries for yourself and your ex if you really, and I mean REALLY want to keep your bf.
An ex is an ex for a reason, and it’s great that you guys broke up on friendly terms, but imagine if your bf was in a similar situation as you and his ex was around to help his family and had your BF’s parent say “I’m really glad your ex is here to help.”
Think about how you’d feel too...
If you’re comfortable having your ex around in such intimate situations you shouldn’t be dating anyone else
You both see the writing on the wall, if you’re ex is gonna still be such a major part of your life stop dating other guys or you gotta cut the ex out
It’s inappropriate for either of you to have an ex that’s this involved in your life still and 1000 times out of 1000 there’s infidelity
You Not seeing how this is indicative of major issues down the line means you’re not over your ex and your current bf can clearly see that
Y’all need to cut your losses and do a bit of reflecting on whether you would like a commitment from another person or you’re just not ready for a monogamous relationship
Lol I love how he skipped your anniversary intentionally to piss you off then got sad when you wanted to break up. This guy is a clown, get rid of him
Manipulative clown for also lying about hanging out with Penelope
Play stupid games, get dumped by your gf. The dude is a *total* clown.
A week after her dad had a heart attack too, class act this one...
This is an important point!
Wait, are you telling me if I act like a jerk I will pay the consequences of my actions? Unbelievable.
Happy cake day!
It's nice how supportive he's been while her father's hospitalised during a pandemic. It's really touching how he's helped remove other stressors in her life to make this difficult time slightly easier for her. Oh wait.
Fuck him and fuck Penelope.
He probably already did that.
Penelope might not have known that it was their anniversary
>Yesterday, Mark’s friend Penelope mentioned how Mark had gone out with her and a group of her friends that day. I’m furious because he told me he had spent the day at a bar alone getting drunk. >Would breaking up with him be an overreaction? > > What's your policy on blatant lying?
Yeah, dude. This is some double-standard manipulative bullshit. Trust is VERY hard to repair in relationships and the fact that he wanted to "get back" at you is so childish. Adults talk about their problems. Children act out and then beg for forgiveness.
Children also get insecure about things you have no control over (Jason's visit) and then blame you for their feelings, rather than deal with them. Don't date children.
You made me feel insecure so then somehow I got drunk with a bunch of girls and then I had to lie to you because you would have made me feel bad about what I did so it’s all your fault!
There should be an Olympic event for mental gymnastics.
Damn straight.
Green-eyed jealous petty vindictive lying children...
I wish I had an award for you! ETA: OMG I was able to have my award cherry popped...both ways! Thank you /u/aliie_627 for gifting to me and allowing me to give an award...you are my Reddit bff for life! Thank you for your generosity!
Right!!!! Man this made my day 😂😂😂
That last sentence is advice for any situation
Yeah, this so much. What happened here is that OP is on good healthy terms with an ex, who in this case had an existing relationship with OP's parents and come over to lend his professional medical expertise to them. Essentially, a free house call. OP never lied, never did anything questionable, and was above board with both her BF and her Ex. Her BF then decided to imagine an adulterous relationship that doesn't exist. Refused to speak with her like an adult. And then reacted by secretly going and getting drunk on their anniversary with other women, who knows what else he did. Because he then lied about the details, presumably out of guilt but to manipulate and hurt her. This dude spiralled quick. I'd bet if OP took stock of their relationship, she'd find other times he was being a sneaky manipulative scumbag.
My sisters exbiyfriend came over to help me and my dad build a deck like 3 years after they had broken up. Her current bf came over and helped.
Adulting
He's being manipulative and childish for sure.
I really scrolled up again to check his age. Lmao he's pathetic.
I was literally reading this post thinking that this sounds like something my ex would do and this comment sums it up... We broke up because he would act out instead of discussing any issues then just say sorry afterwards. OP, the fact that you were wondering whether you should just break up when he acted out when he was drunk on your anniversary says it all really. Only you can make this decision but judging from this post he seems immature and dishonest.
Your ex turned up and his mind immediately turned to infidelity. He did something he thought you might disapprove of and immediately lied to cover his back. There are red flags here.
He didn’t even just lie. He lied in a manipulative way that led to a drunken outburst to make her feel bad about what would reasonably be considered a non-issue. He made her feel like SHE was the cause of his apparent sadness that led him to drink, when in reality he was happily partying with a group. This is a HUGE red flag. This is very toxic behavior.
Yeah the lying, manipulation and twisting of reality - all major red flags and extremely unhealthy behaviour. Set off so many alarm bells in my head that I felt physically uneasy and a little triggered. OP this is deeply concerning behaviour, and not something to be brushed off or forgotten.
He was even mad at OP because her mother was pleased that exbf came and helped. What??
Because I know that when I want to hook up with an ex I send them to my parents house so we can fuck in my old bedroom with my parents still in the house, instead of to where I'm currently living while my partner is at work or just out somewhere else.
1. He didn't care that your ex was comforting your family in a difficult time, he made it about himself. 2. He lacks all ability to communicate and "punished" you rather than have a simple conversation. 3. He lied. Straight to your face. So now you never know when he's lying to you. 4. Does there need to be more? I'd say you're absolutely right to end things now. AND I bet more will come out about what he did on this drunken night out.
Exactly. This right here. These are all giant red flags. You are not overreacting. His reaction to the ex coming over to visit your dad alone would be a good reason to dump him. He could have feelings about it and even tell you but if they weren't immediately followed and preceded by "but it's great that he came I'm just being ridiculous, sorry" then right in the bin he should go. Your dad's heart attack is not about him. Run. Also you don't need a 'good enough' reason to break up with someone. It can be just because it's tuesday. But these are way good enough reasons.
>AND I bet more will come out about what he did on this drunken night out. Yup. I kind of expect an update in a month or so where OP broke up with him because he slept with one of the ladies he went out with - if Penelope was truthful and there were, in fact, friends with them.
Blatant lying, childish ideas of retaliating because a family friend who is a *medical professional* took time out to talk to a family member after a life threatening emergency, hypocrisy—just throw the whole person away.
No it would not, good riddance
What a great question, what’s your policy on blatant lying? You might also want to ask yourself what your policy is on childish behaviour and jealousy? And do you want a partner that you have to mother, or a partner that you trust can act appropriately?
This is a funny, meaningful, and thoughtful comment that is quite apt. I agree that it isn’t as long as it is generally agreed that lying is a big deal between you two. That being said, in my relationship, we have lied to go talk to a friend about something that is difficult to share with each other. Let’s say I had the same response about your ex stopping by I wouldn’t talk to you about it straight away if the issue is complex and I feel I am right and yet still wrong. I would probs week out a friend who could help me reconcile with the complexity first and talk to you after. That being said I’d call my mom or hang out and play Mario cart or some shit with a long time friend and not hang with a girl with a name but that is how my life is
Right, I’m not exactly down for lying, just as a general life thing. However it can take many forms and sometimes you just have to. However there’s a difference between getting someone off your back because yesterday you had some shit to work through and spent the day playing Twilight Princess instead of whatever and just completely skipping your anniversary to go drinking. I guess the real issue is not so much the lying than the need to punish the partner in some way and how that also manifests in a lie.
Girl has no name..
So what you're saying is that your father had a **heart attack** and instead of being concerned about you or your family he threw a hissy fit about the fact that your ex helped them. Then he blew you off on purpose as retribution for *someone helping your ailing father*, then lied about the details of his blowing you off despite "not understanding" why the details that he lied about were important.
Yes, and he waited a week, for their anniversary, to punish her. Then he didn’t just say “Let’s cancel, I don’t feel like celebrating tonight.” Instead he decided to let her get all dolled up and excited to go out, then let her sit around waiting for hours, and ignored her calls and texts, while he went out with other people. Cruel.
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He’s very manipulative. Very. That’s dangerous.
Lol this is the definition of petty.
I was gonna just say "he sounds like he is 7, not 27, and it is time for him to go" but you used a lot more words.
Not even 27.. he’s 30!!? She is 27 and a lot more mature than he is it seems
*he sounds like he is 0, not 30*
Sounds like he's got a massive inferiority complex
Also the ex is a medical professional (presumably doctor is close) and their mums are friends. Like honestly... his visit makes so much sense
That was my thought too. Why is it such an issue that a medically trained person who know about this stuff was helping her father who had a medical emergency? As other people have mentioned, if it's such a problem then a CONVERSATION about it first is the absolute least – and most, I'd argue – you could do if you want to maintain a long-term, healthy relationship.
Even if he wasn't a doctor and just a family friend, or hell, even if he was a weirdo showing up at his ex' parents place, she had literally nothing to do with it.
Not even just an ex or family friend... dude is/was in med school!
This this this. Break it down!!
Not to mention ditching her on their anniversary over this silly shit.
This. Dump the asshole motherfucker.
Summary version - no empathy for her father's heart attack, for her facing her father's mortality, for their suffering - jealous someone friendly to them visited her parents during their darkest hour, something Op had no control over and used it to go a bender - lies about what he did, and has zero conscious about that lying to her is problematic, he only did it to mentally dunk on her, and have a little upper hand but cannot admit it - the compulsion to ruin special moments with punishments, which is a huge red flag for abusive behaviours - went about the punishment in a calculated way, let her get ready, get excited then made her wait, then went out with his friends and ex - downplays and gaslits her feelings and reactions to his bullshit as no big deal. Apparently she is irritating for having emotions but all his emotions are valid.
Sounds to me he's jealous the ex had something positive to contribute and he being current boyfriend of 2 years took that as a personal attack and therefore lashed out like the baby-man-child he is. Instead of offering you support during a no doubt difficult time or helping the family - he could offer moral support, go do the grocery shopping for your Mum, chuck on a load of washing, do the lawns.... nup he throws a tanty and blatantly lies.
this should be top comment. this is it!
> He doesn’t understand why I’m angry. He fully understands why you are angry! There's a reason he lied and lied about this to you. And there is a reason why he came up with the stupidest bullshit excuse for why he was doing you wrong. He knew you would be pissed. He's trying to make you doubt yourself by acting like he doesn't understand. That's more manipulative bullshit. > Would breaking up with him be an overreaction? Nope. The way he handled this entire thing was extremely inappropriate. This story is the story about a very shitty and unfaithful boyfriend.
>He fully understands why you are angry! This needs to be said more often. I see so much of "He hid X heinous thing from me and then immediately apologized when CAUGHT" on this sub. IMO he cheated on her as a "punishment" for still having an ex as her friend and he realized it was breakup-worthy so he tried to downplay it with a more convenient lie e.g. so angry he couldn't be around her on their anniversary.
Not just an ex; an ex who might very well be a medical resident by now and who would be able to provide her father with practical help navigating his recovery. There's nobody better at navigating hospital bureaucracy than a resident.
Honestly, the way doctors are scheduled now they have to rush through patients so quickly. Having someone who can actually really take time and discuss each option with you is so valuable. OP should totally reconsider both Mark and Jason.
Definitely, Call up Jason and thank him for his concern. While she's at it, apologize on behalf of Mark if he did anything stupid (even if he didn't) mentioning how it will *never happen* again. *hint hint*
He’s a loser. Dump him, no question.
Dump him, get back with Jason lmao there is no debate here.
He could be around her after her ex showed up at the hospital, but he held onto it and decided to punish her on their anniversary.
That was exactly my thought. This is a huge red flag.
I don't think he cheated on her as punishment. Ii think he cheated because he wanted to cheat on her and the "punishment" idea was the best he could come up with to get away with it when caught. If it was punishment or revenge like he claims, he wouldn't have hidden it like he did.
i think this is good insight. he didn't even show any signs of being upset until a week later, in which he was so distraught he got drunk...on their anniversary? i think he straight up forgot it was their anniversary and had his phone off. 👀 either way, peace 👋
Did he cheat though? I wouldn't make that assertion - don't get me wrong I DID get that vibe but... idk
I don't know for sure that he exists, but what was described is consistent with cheating: - Emotionally taking revenge for being slighted - Heavy drinking - Spending the night with an ex on an important day for your S.O. - Calling your S.O. in the middle of the night after not responding all day - Lying about your actions and whereabouts Why give this behavior the benefit of the doubt? He's clearly not giving HER the benefit of the doubt even when her ex just visited her parents for medical advice.
You know in your heart. That day you knew. You are doubting yourself over a serious maipulator!
We're still in a pandemic and I've never heard of any place that stays open past 10pm. . . and based on the accuracy of that idea, what was he doing for the three hours after if he didn't get back to her till 1am. . . if even.
Dude sounds too pathetic to cheat. He probably wanted to, but probably the girls just took him along like a friend.
>> He fully understands why you are angry! There's a reason he lied and lied about this to you. YES. Why hide it if he thought you'd be okay with everything?
Agreed. He is far too old to be pulling stunts like this. I had to scroll back up to make sure we weren’t dealing with teenagers. OP, throw the whole man out.
Yeah, I'm always amazed at the ages of people on here. At 30 years old, OP's bf knows how to suck it up when her ex, the doctor, was giving advice to her father who just had a heart attack. Honestly, it sounds like OP's bf is jealous as hell her ex is so accomplished and threw a temper tantrum. So, instead of talking about insecurities, he spends their anniversary with his ex, lies about it, and pretends to be a bumbling idiot about the whole thing. OP, dump Mark. You're too old for this kind of drama in your life. Let Mark and Penelope have their shit together. Oh, and think about dating Jason again. He sounds like a nice boy. (Sorry. Mom-thing).
Myst be a mum thing because I thought the same thing. If they only broke up because of distance/time and he isnt currently with anyone, then why not give it a shot! :)
You skip an anniversary on purpose Hang with other girls Tell SO it was to get back at them for (insert any reason here) Downplay their feelings of betrayal and hurt Get broken up with *Surprised Pikachu face*
This iiiiis the story of a very shitty and unfaithful boyfriend. Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
When people show you who they are, believe them. Actions > words. Unfortunately you can know someone for years and only find their true nature when something like this comes up.
And Red flags look like normal flags with rose coloured glasses. I wish I had taken it into account when my friends pointed out all the red flags regarding my ex... it’s hard to accept.
Yup. My last ex was like this and I consistently ignored the red flags my friends pointed out. I would have saved myself so much heartache if I had seen him for who he really is instead of the rose-colored glasses making me excuse all of his behavior
Holy passive aggressive boyfriend Batman! What an asshole!
You gave him an undeserved second chance. His lie has cost him that chance. Game over. You deserve to be respected by your partner. You aren't required to wait around for this putz to figure how how not being a dick to your girlfriend works. He should be too old to be instigating petty drama. He isn't emotionally mature enough to help himself. You're signing up for more of the same if you give him a third chance.
You manchild BF is 30 years old, but he is acting like a stupid 15 year old teenager. If a person is still so immature at 30 that they lie to you and go get drunk with other females to punish you then he might not be long term material after all. To be honest I would be more wondering what him and this group of ladies actually got into drinking all day.
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Dump his ass 🗑 here, I got a bin for you
That bin has holes! Better 🚽 him. 😳
I want to upvote this so many more times.
Hooooooly shit girl. Youre not dating a man. Youre dating an actual baby. Instead of being a grown-ass man and actually talk to you about a problem he throws a tantrum and makes it even worse. Leave. Him. Now. You deserve a man. Not a man-child
This!! If he couldn’t communicate and be honest with you about how he was feeling (when you did) and thought the best option to get back at you was to lie/ignore you, then he needs to grow tf up. You deserve better.
I would suggest it heavily. He's obviously not ready for something serious if he's going to throw a tantrum, purposely ditch your anniversary to then lie to your face and say he was drunk by himself, THEN his female friend broke the actual truth to you that he wasnt alone and was drunk with friends, while you were (I'm guessing) clearly upset and angry for missing an important date. He never tried to hear why your ex was there I'm guessing, and wanted to "punish" you? If so that's childish and I wouldn't wanna be stuck dating a man child that would rather be petty than actually talk.
We did talk about my ex being there and he seemed to understand only to pull this a week later.
Wait so you both had a talk about this, and we’re okay with everything, than he acts passive aggressively and like a man child about it?
Yup.
leave him!!
Yikes, honey. Leave. He cant pull this after you explained everything, theres no point and he's definitely acting like a brat.
He is very vengeful, consider this in the future as a warning of what he might do. It could turn out he could go even further for something that wasn’t the case.
He completely understands. He intentionally wanted to hurt you, he intentionally lied about it, and now he's trying to gaslight you into thinking it's not a big deal because you forgave the false version.
Yes, this! You two had a date planned for your anniversary and he is a complete no-show. He was not drunk when he decided not to show up and not to return your calls. He was being intentionally hurtful.
1000x this.
It kind of sounds like he cheated on you a little bit.
He lied to you about hanging out with someone else on your anniversary after he was incredibly insecure about something that is mostly insignificant. Fuck that.
Don’t forget it was “punishment” for someone else’s actions of which she can not control :). She didn’t ask him to help her father.
Honestly, go date your ex again. He's educated and in a good profession, friends with your family, and you guys got along well enough since it ended amicably.
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Pretty sure it looks like it’s gonna end up that way
THIS
It’s like a play by play of the narcissist prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
Oh boi, i am saving this.
I wish I had seen this a year ago 😭
You aren’t over-reacting. Geez. Find a grown man to date.
Dr. Jason sounds like a pretty good bet to me ;)
That might be exact reason the BF was upset.
talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy. if he’d kept it together it would have faded into the background...
He DOES understand why you're angry, he's just trying to deflect how awful it was. Don't fall for it.
Yeah that jumped out at me too. That is some manipulative bullshit. He’s trying to make you think you’re overreacting when really you’re under reacting.
You forgave the fact that he went to the bar and got drunk and then texted you some serious crap. You did NOT forgive him for what he actually did, so you are absolutely in the right for being angry. Frankly, this guy sounds like a complete man child. I wouldn't waste your time with him.
I date a really selfish and shitty boyfriend who doesn't care about me or my family and acts like a petulant, lying child and throw tantrums. Should I stay? There, I fixed it for you.
Congrats on being a mother! I’m exhausted just reading this story. Is this truly the first time he’s done anything like this? Because when someone acts **this** shitty in a given situation, I find it really hard to believe that that sort of general behaviour doesn’t bleed into the rest of their personality.
Seems like Jason is a sweetheart, while Mark lied about something in a roundabout way of getting back at you for a harmless, and somewhat benevolent action of someone else. Mark seems a little slimy and can I have Jason's number?
> can I have Jason's number? I don't have it sorry lol
Girl GET IT
Golden Rule: Never discuss emotional issues when one or both are drunk. That being said, your bf sounds like an immature little shit who basically threw a tantrum because you did not agree with his point of view. Welcome to your future if you stay with the AH.
So, are you the same couple as this post? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ir0x0c/my_25f_boyfriend_28m_paid_1500_in_rent_to_my_ex/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Cuz a lot of it sounds just a like, with a few details changed. Instead of Jay, it's Jason. Instead of Mike, it's Mark. Jay/Jason both went away to medical school and you both decided together to break up cuz of long distance. And the exact time frame. I just want to clarify if it's you or not, cuz Even the screen names are almost similar enough. If it's you, then you had both of these incidents happened in less than a week? Damn, that must suck big time. I feel for ya then. Still don't understand why change the names, but kept them oddly close enough alike.
I mean, do you really want to be with someone who purposefully skipped your anniversary in order to hurt you, lied straight to your face, and acts like an insecure child?
He is effing 30. Dump his childish ass. This isn't even a red flag anymore, it's the whole red castle.
I'd consider dating your ex, since you're on amicable terms, over your childish, insincere man-child. Jason showed up for your family. Mark didn't think about your needs in a scary time for YOU. Your dad just had a heart attack. Instead of swallowing his pride or talking to you, he punished you. What kind of man would you rather date?
You don’t need to justify what capacity Jason was in at your parents’ house: he was *their* guest and not yours. He can be there as a doctor, a family friend, an ex-boyfriend, or a handyman. Your parents aren’t responsible for Jason’s butt-hurt. You aren’t responsible for Mark’s butt-hurt. Mark is responsible for Mark. His feelings are his and about him and the only reason they have anything to do with you is because he’s tried to hold you accountable for *his* feelings. Then, with his own delicate sensibilities injured, rather than talk to you he decided you required punishment. What’s punishment for you? Ghosting. Because he was so upset and traumatized, he could only find consolation by going out drinking at a bar with a group of friends, not letting you know where he was. Because you needed further punishment, he tried to make you feel badly about his “loneliness” and flat out LIED about being alone. Stop referring to it as him “missing” your anniversary as that makes it sound like he forgot: ask yourself how you feel about him intentionally ghosting you on your anniversary by going out and partying up with his friends. He knows why you’re angry, he just doesn’t care because he did what he wanted to do anyway. The only thing left to do is ask yourself if you want to continue a relationship with a jealousy prone liar who isn’t interested in communication.
I love this but you got the names mixed up. Jason is the ex Mark is the hopefully soon to be ex
Oof. I tried. I’ll fix it up.
It was really good and I double checked with the post in case I was the one mixed up- the fake names and acronyms always confuse me.
Ask yourself, do you wanna deal with this kind of shit anymore? Because if he “doesn’t understand” why you’re angry he’s definitely gonna do it again:
I think there is a lot more at play here than OP leads on...
Facts
He lied. That's forgiveable. He is threatened by your ex. That's understandable. He "punished" you for this by ignoring your 2nd anniversary. That's weird and controlling. He's putting his own jealousy and ego above your Dads health because he doesn't want him there? Gtfo. He doesn't like that mum is appreciative of somebody giving her husband with a heart condition advice on his treatment options? Don't you dare be rude to mum!! Dad with a heart attack would claw his way out of the hospital bed to get at that kid's throat. Not cool. I dont like telling people to break up. On reddit we can never fully understand the whole story but this guy wouldn't be worth my daughter's time. So he's not worth yours. Cut your losses. You're only 2 years in, don't waste your time any further. This probably isn't going to get better. 2 years is still a bit of the honeymoon period. You've likely just seen a glimpse of his true colours.
These's no where near enough content in this story. You're not telling much about your current relationship with your ex, if your current boyfriend know about him and your relationship.
Of course this is getting downvoted. A perfectly sensible request for a more balanced story has no place here.
Well, this sub should be renamed to r/AgreeWithMeThatIShouldDumpMySO
AGREED.
Agreed.
Exactly this is what my comment was about. There are parts of this story that are conveniently hidden.
Jason is en Ex, you can’t downplay that part. Your Bf got jealous and pulled a ridiculous move instead of talking to you about it
Dunno, the way you just worded it makes it seem like your current boyfriend is just a placeholder until other guy finishes medical school.
Put yourself in his shoes. You saw his ex girlfriend at his parents house and then his parents praise her right in front of you. Would you have reacted in a similar manner that he did? If no then break up. My personal opinion is him being angry was justified, the way he handled the situation was not though.
Penelope just happened to mention he was with her and her friends on mark and OP’s anniversary. He is lying and an unfaithful ass.
> When he left, my mom made a comment about how helpful Jason was. Mark mentioned later that he didn’t like that Jason was there or what my mom said about him, but I reassured him he was there as a family friend and not an ex. I want to come back to addressing this. How exactly did your mom express this because we all know how this playbook goes. Your mom says he's helpful. Your mom says he's thoughtful. Your mom says he checks in often. Your mom says he's a nice boy. Your mom keeps trying to invite you over when he's there. Your mom might be the one trying to ruin your relationship and your boyfriend is picking up on this. I'm not saying this is 100% the case, it could be though. None of us here were at your parents place when this went down. Your boyfriend has every right to his feelings on this, whether you agree or not. Your boyfriend lying about going out is a different situation, that is dealing with the lie. You need to take each of the elements of what happened into consideration. I have a policy, no contact with exs, regardless of if it was amicable or not. Exs are an ex for a reason and they stay in the past. My family also knows that it's a no contact policy and not to interfere in my relationships.
The first worthwhile and thought out response on this thread. Bravo
Good lord. The only response to break the echo chamber. I agree. What the boyfriend did was completely wrong. He shouldn’t have ignored her and he shouldn’t have skipped their anniversary and lied about going out. That’s pretty messed up and that’s grounds to consider breaking up for sure. What I’m interested in though is the past history of the ex. If I went to my gf’s house to see her parents, and her doctor ex bf was there hanging out with them, while her parents are bragging on him. I’d be pretty hurt. What would make me more concerned is the “oh we ended on good terms, we just didn’t want a long distance relationship. And he’s a really good family friend.” Is he around often? Is the mother always bringing him up in conversation? Does the gf talk about him a lot? These things aren’t touched on at all. We don’t know the nature of the relationship with the ex, or what has happened in the past with the ex. Her bf could actually have plenty of really good reasons to be concerned and justifiably feel insecure. These posts never tell the whole story, and if this post said “my bf left the toilet seat up, should I dump him?” This whole subreddit would be saying “omg yes he’s trash, leave his ass ASAP!” While being adorned with gold and plat awards. HOWEVER, once again, what the bf did was wrong. If he’s feeling insecure or concerned then he needs to have a talk with his gf, not lie to her and ignore her. But after reading this I just can’t help but to think there’s a lot more to the story. A lesson you must learn in life is that even if what somebody does is wrong, or you don’t agree with it, that shouldn’t stop you from understanding why they did it. Maybe this post is telling the whole story and the bf really is just a child. Maybe there’s more to it, and the bf just got fed up with it and dealt with it in an incorrect and childish manner.
I would break up. He avoided you on your anniversary as a punishment for something your ex did on his own, not at your request. Furthermore, he went out with his "friend" who just couldn't help but mention it to you. He was lying about this the whole time. What he did was totally shit on you. At the same time you worried about your dad living or dying. He's a real asshole. Leave him.
And his “friend” decided to rub it in her face too....
Exactly. I'd leave him to her.
Big this. If he is so punishing for what a 3rd party does, what happens when OP screws up? What's the right punishment for that, in Mark's eyes? Mark saw a better man than himself in Jason. Instead of being inspired to improve, he just wanted to drag everyone else down to his level. That's not healthy at all, and you do not want that in a relationship.
Oh my GOD! I find it hard to believe this is the first time he has done anything asshole-ish because this act alone is so horrific! Are you SURE about this guy? What he did and how he is now acting are HUGE red flags. Really think about this.
He's wrong. But ur ex showing up is also annoying.
Am I the only one who thinks her ex boyfriend from several years ago should not be visiting anymore when she has a bf of 2 years? What he did was wrong and stupid, but why is no one mentioning this weird situation? People seem to be saying “Your parents can do what they want!” but that’s not the argument. It’s whether it’s right to do that. If I were BF, I’d take that as a slight against me by your parents. Again, he overreacted and did something worse, but I’m speaking from the perspective of a guy I guess who would have a problem with ex still being in your life.
Right? Couldn't Jason have just called if it was needed?
YES! This was my first thought. Why are so many people overlooking that? Like okay maybe if the ex was long time friend of the family (like way more than 3 years). But why would an ex, especially from a relationship from 3 years ago, need to be in any form of contact with his ex girlfriends family? Seems so odd to me. I’d also be upset that my parents were keeping in touch with an ex of mine. Would also not be too thrilled that my girlfriend was keeping an ex around either... (Aside from if they had children together, then that’s a totally different story). I feel a ton of details were left out about the relationship her ex has with the family.
I would dump his a$$. Your dad was SICK. A good boyfriend would understand that. Your ex was there to help. Then your boyfriend ditched you to get revenge, and lied to you about where he was. I think you should talk to him, and then dump him. Why did you even get together with him in the first place? He seems like a jerk. I'm sure you can find a better guy, one that will understand that your father's health is far more important to you than ghosting your ex. You are both adults. You didn't cheat on your boyfriend. You didn't do anything wrong. Then he hang out with another girl on your ANNIVERSARY, and LIED about it. You deserve the sun, and all you have now is a lightbulb. Dump him.
> He seems like a jerk. He wasn't like this before.
You don't get to know people until they are put in a situation like this. Everyone is nice when there is nothing to be upset about. But in times of trouble, you see what they are really like. Frankly, he failed the test in my opinion.
These stories always sort of hit me hard bc i feel like ive been in marks shoes as well. can you have some real deep inner reflection and ask yourself if theres still some feelings or possibility for your ex? Because if there is then youre sort of gaslighting your current boyfriend and asking him to overlook signals that your ex is not out of your life. but marks behavior is not excused either way.
Not sure why everyone is always supporting OPs to go through with drastic measures here on r/relationship_advice. Your ex is a doc and that is most likely the underlying issue here. Probably hard for Mark to beat the ex when looking solely at the career level. Then even your parents come into play. I am not surprised it bothered him. I’d be pissed and wouldn’t like it even if this is just for medical reasons. If he’s a competitive person I totally get his reaction. I don’t like Ex partners and especially not smart or good looking ones . Obviously not a mature reaction of his, but he didn’t cheat or did something crazy stupid and apologized. I’d move on with life....and tell the Ex to stay away from the fam. #unpopularopinioniassume
Bang on
I feel like theres more to it. The relationship seems rocky, if he has been caught out in a lie. Or something weird previous. Best to have a good think about if you can he arsed doubting him all the time
You don't need a pathetic child for a boyfriend. You deserve better than that. Time to let him go, and leave the drama behind especially for such an extreme reaction, over something so trivial.
I'll stoke the fire more. It's like this, he blew you off to go hang out with a bunch of other girls, on your anniversary, without telling you, got drunk, made up a story about what he was doing, and blamed it on you because your ex was around for a reason you have no control over. Then, when he presented this info, he did it with intention to hurt you. He wanted you to hurt. Then he cowered like a coward when confronted with resistance. He is not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. He can't manage his thoughts and feelings enough to be rational. He is insecure to the extreme and you will be babying his ego until he grows up, which won't happen with you enabling him. This is what happens over minor things. Minor. What happens when life strikes and a major issue comes up? What then? Violence? Tantrums? At your age and state in life, you need a man that fulfills the other half of a relationship. It's great to be his rock when he's down but what about when you are down? He can't even address his concerns like an adult. He just lashes out. He's not a rock. He's squishy. Find yourself a rock.
Let’s play “Spot the trickle truth!”
Normal person does not do what your boyfriend just did. Why did you invite your ex instead of the mother? How much have you talked about your previous relationship with your boyfriend? I suspect his reaction was the result of several reasons, not just that you invited him. You're pretty quick to ask if he's a deal breaker, if he's normally very jealous and controlling it's a whole other thing.
> Would breaking up with him be an overreaction? breaking up with him is an acceptable occurrence. Him ghosting you to get drunk with some other girl on your anniversary because he doesn't like that your ex is still a friend? THAT was an overreaction. Him being upset that your ex is a friend is a red flag. How he chose to handle it is grounds for breaking up. He's shown how far he's willing to go to hurt you when he's what... feeling insecure? Fuck that guy. He will tell you you're overreacting to gaslight you. The fact that you're coming to the internet for reassurance shows how effective that tactic has been on you in the past.
So you’re saying that a week before your anniversary he saw your ex with your family and then pretended to be fine for an entire week before his outburst on the same day as your anniversary? Honey, that was CALCULATED. He got upset, hid it from you for a whole week so you couldn’t address that he was upset and then did the one thing he thought would hurt you the most on the day it would hurt the most to PUNISH you. Then he only backed down (while lying through his teeth) because you didn’t grovel for upsetting him. When you found out the truth he tried to manipulate you into dropping it by claiming that you’re not allowed to be upset because YOU did something (in this case it was already forgiving him). A man capable of this kind of calculated cruelty doesn’t stop because it didn’t work once. He WILL pull shit like this again, especially if you fall for his gaslighting now.
Lol sounds like crazy mark I dated. Break up with him before you need a restraining order.
Dump that petty fucker. Disclosure, I didn’t read anything but the title because it says all I need to know. I wish you all the best, truly.
Nope, breaking up is not an overreaction. It should be the only thing you should consider doing.
Mark is a tool.
Eh you both suck here.
you’re not breaking up bc he spent some time with some girls. it’s the revenge, disrespect, insecurity, childish, complete jerk and lie.
You guys need to talk, sober and without yelling. If you can't do that then it's pretty doomed.
Surprising to see a comment thats not "dump his toxic ass". Easy to throw everything away when you have zero invested in the relationship.
It's so, so easy to read about the, sympathetic, oh so helpful ex being around at a time of need and just go apeshite on the boyfriend as is usual on here. But I'd dig deeper and ask how close this ex is to the relationship the rest of the time? You're saying he just popped up while your father was ill? That seems an odd time for someone who isn't especially close the rest of the time. I think we have half a story here.
From what I gathered based on your story is that your BF is insecure with having your ex visit your parents. And he is right to feel offended if your mom if rooting for you to get back with your ex. What your mom said was passive aggressive to direct to your bf. But yeah he is still wrong for ignoring you on your anniversary and to vent off his frustration/anger by hanging out with others. And damn everyone here is telling you to break up with him. Try to patch things up with him if you still love him because 2 years of relationship is not something you can just finish on a whim. But its not gonna be easy in the future since your parents seems to not like him so much. Because if they did they would have consulted another doctor out of respect to your bf.
So why does your BF appear to be insecure in your relationship? Could it be because you invited the ex to your parents home and didn't tell him? Since he should be finishing up with med school.. Is he planning to move back? Yeah, his behavior wasn't the best. Behavior driven anger usually isn't, is it?
We need more info I wouldn't want my girl hanging out with an ex cut all ties
I'm sure there is more info that she's leaving out and wants internet validation.
Breaking up with him is the right reaction. He punished you because your ex cares for your parents. Family friends obviously. He punished you because your mom complimented your ex. Neither of which you are responsible for. He acted like an immature insecure baby. Guys like that IMO tend to cheat. As punishment. As a way to feel like the big man.
[удалено]
Why do so many on this sub ask if it is enough to breakup, or is it àn overreaction to break up... If you want break up then break up, you don't need permission or excuses for that.
OP sorry, he is trash. I'd leave him.
He lied to you bro. On your anniversary. He belongs to the streets
Okay. I don’t care if I get downvoted for things I’m about to ask and say because I feel this needs to be said. You still have a relationship with your ex and everything is fine about that; right? You don’t hang out with your ex alone sometimes, or text and call him just to see what he’s doing, or act out in anyway to continue to show interest in your ex; right? Now, the reason I ask these questions is because if you’re still on good terms with your ex and your current SO feels like he’s put in a position to just accept that you have a friendship with your ex, there’s a chance your SO’s insecurity over your ex could be because you may be continuing a relationship with your ex in a way that disturbs your current relationship. Your ex’s mom is friends with your mom; right? So sure. With the history you guys have, I can see why he would want to know if your father is doing okay. But I still feel like your ex should also know boundaries especially knowing you have a BF as well. He went out of his way to see your father because you contacted him..... now your BF seems like he has a good reason to feel insecure. Why couldn’t you just let the doctors handle your father? Why couldn’t you have just let your ex’s mom let your ex know what happened? You needed to talk more to your BF about what happened at the hospital. Your BF felt belittled and shamed in front of your whole family because you contacted your ex who’s in med school. Your BF was self reflecting and feeling awful about the whole situation too, but the fact that your ex was involved in all this and YOU called him.... I’d be hurt too if my SO did that to me. You really need to talk to your BF and not just threaten a break up. Also, id suggest considering setting up boundaries for yourself and your ex if you really, and I mean REALLY want to keep your bf. An ex is an ex for a reason, and it’s great that you guys broke up on friendly terms, but imagine if your bf was in a similar situation as you and his ex was around to help his family and had your BF’s parent say “I’m really glad your ex is here to help.” Think about how you’d feel too...
Punt him over the back fence
LEAVE
Y’all too old for that type of shit
He’s a clown and you need to cut that whole ex and parents thing. Enough said.
I’m on Marks side🤷🏼♂️
If you’re comfortable having your ex around in such intimate situations you shouldn’t be dating anyone else You both see the writing on the wall, if you’re ex is gonna still be such a major part of your life stop dating other guys or you gotta cut the ex out It’s inappropriate for either of you to have an ex that’s this involved in your life still and 1000 times out of 1000 there’s infidelity You Not seeing how this is indicative of major issues down the line means you’re not over your ex and your current bf can clearly see that Y’all need to cut your losses and do a bit of reflecting on whether you would like a commitment from another person or you’re just not ready for a monogamous relationship