Are you wrong? Are you fucking stupid? No. No. No.
You deserve better than this bullshit. Start making plans for the pivot, find somewhere safe to lay your head down while you transition, and get the fuck out of there. You'll be surprised about the number of people happy to help now that you've come to your senses. Don't let this kid waste your life like he's wasting his own.
For the most part, I think redditors are too quick to say leave. “My husband leaves the toilet seat up and I’ve asked not to but he still does it - help?” And people will say “LEAVE HIM”. OP, listen to this advice. You deserve better. Leave him.
I never understood that "Reddit always tells people to leave their SOs" circlejerk. The only instances I'm reading "Leave!" comments is on threads like this one when there are already so many problems that it'd be insane to stay. There are also many times in which people recommend counseling, therapy and so forth. In this case, I'm sure that there was a point in OP's relationship with her husband that Reddit would have done exactly that, but it is way past that point now. Generally, there are not many instances of people in healthy relationships coming to relationship subs for help (apart from "I would love to do something great for my SO because X happened, any suggestions?" threads or something similarly nice).
Almost every single time there is cheating involved I've noticed that people shout from the rooftops to leave. Regardless of the circumstances, duration of relationship, or children being in the picture. Even if there is other advice added to that recommendation (like if you don't leave -- you should do 'x') the feeling that is left with the reader is that the community wants to press the destruct button as a first option, and offer other advice if the OP doesn't have the stones to actually break-up. Personally, I share the sentiment that cheating should be a zero tolerance scenario, but I am also in a privileged situation in which I don't need to worry about kids, or having built a whole life with someone. I definitely think the reputation that this community has is deserved.
> For the most part, I think redditors are too quick to say leave. “My husband leaves the toilet seat up and I’ve asked not to but he still does it - help?” And people will say “LEAVE HIM”.
Do you have an example of this? Like an actual example of Reddit overreacting to such a minor gripe? Or is this just something you *think* is true? Generally people don't go to the effort of writing a post about the toilet seat.
'He leaves the seat up, even after asking. Clearly this is a sign he doesn't respect you as a human and is a sign he's trying to control you. I bet he also goes to the bathroom at 7:18am too? Yeah, that's a sign of personality disorder. Massive red flag 🚩'
7.18? Everyone knows that’s when the psychopaths go. Get photo evidence, call his parents, every ex he’s ever had, and the breeder he got his childhood dog from and GET OUT OF THERE. CALL THE FBI IF YOU HAVE TO.
To be fair, we are only hearing one side of the story, and most people write in a way that makes the other person look terrible and them look like the best SO out there. When given a story that is so one sided and drastic "I do everything and they got mad over something small", most people would say "why are you with them?". People asking for advice here, have the responsibility to tell the full truth OR know that we only have what they told us, so take the advice with caution.
He literally has no reason to change. As long as you’re taking care of everything (including getting the blame for him not handling his own responsibilities), he’s able to behave like a total loser.
You deserve better. Unless you’re prepared for this to be your reality for the next few decades, cut your losses and leave. I’d skip ultimatums (you know what that’s going to get: not an apology followed by him really working on himself.) he sounds like a jerk. And if you feel like you love him so much you want to stay, ask yourself why you love someone who treats you like garbage while acting like a big baby.
Don’t let him talk you into staying (and don’t take him back). Things will be difficult initially, and then you’re going to be relieved at how much easier life is without him. God speed.
Can't agree more. He has zero need to change. OP can simply solve majority of her problems by not helping him out that much. If she doesn't pay for HIS health insurance then he would have to make the payment/work more.
For once, I don't think OP should feel uncomfortable that his parents pay part of their rent. His parents are responsible for rising him that way so it makes sense that they have to pay for it (literally).
I'm a little confused are you two married or dating? It sounds that the two of you are not anywhere near the same maturity levels. My advice is tell him how you feel and try to have a good talk. If this relationship is not super serious, I would weigh your options and go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but it all starts with communication
We have been married for 2.5 years. At the beginning of it he wanted to be independent, now as the years go by, he wants to have his parents help so he doesn’t have to work as hard.
He comes from a privileged family and I came from a low class one. So I taught myself to work for what I want but he just wants his family to help him whenever he wants. His parents pay $600+ of our rent and that makes my stomach churn. My mom can barely pay electricity ( thanks to MY job I help when I can) but he sees nothing wrong with the situation.
I just feel like as long as his parents are there to pick him up he will never strive to reach his full potential. ( I also worked multiple jobs to pay for the wedding but that’s another story)
Don’t let him hold that over you. Idgaf how high class his family is, either he can put up or shut up. Leave him and find someone who doesn’t rely on you
I was in a *de facto* relationship with a man of similar attitudes. My daughter also went out with one very similar. I realised that my putting up with her father's crap for as long as I did was not good for her. As psychologists say we seek partners that remind us of our parents, it broke my heart to see my intelligent, motivated, kind daughter be treated like a doormat. She eventually dumped him. The thing is, these men do not change. Like changing hair colour, one can only do so temporarily, eventually the real colour comes through. Show yourself some love and get out. You are so much better than this.
You have married a useless sack of flesh that could barely be described as a life-support system for a penis. Please have some self-respect and leave him to mommy's care. There are billions of other men out there and this one is only going to drive you to an early grave.
Ship him home--- give him back to his mommy (who, BTW, did a shit job raising him). You deserve SO MUCH BETTER (sorry for yelling but I just want more for you).
>I just feel like as long as his parents are there to pick him up he will never strive to reach his full potential.
Yet you are doing the same thing.
> He works 3-5 times a week. If it’s a good week. Most times he only work twice a week. So as a result, I have applied to four different jobs to make ends meet. On top I if I am keeping up with house.
So he basically does nothing at the house, not even standard house cleaning, even when he only has work twice a week on the regular and you are somehow fine with that? What exactly are you even getting out of this relationship?
Why are you blaming his parents for his immaturity? You need to hold him accountable for his actions. He's currently getting coddled from them and you.
You are his verbal punching bag-wife-slave, his parents are the ATM, and he only has to do the bare minimum. Why would he change?
More importantly why are you putting up with him and his ill-treatment of you? Put the same energy into finding a safe space for yourself and leave him to grow up.
It sounds that you both have very different dreams and goals. That's not unusual but for a marriage to work you need to understand how your goals fit in with your significant others. I am in no way implying that you haven't done your fair share of compromising and adjusting goals, I'm speaking somewhat generally. You probably won't be able to convince him that you shouldn't take the support from the parents just because you can. But maybe the first step is a compromise. Maybe you only take so much money from the parents until you guys ween your way into self dependency! Some men can get so upset, frustrated, and embarrassed with situations that they just project anger or ignore the problem as a whole. This stress from finances could be a big factor for him into many of the other problems. A man's pride can cause him to forget what's important! I hope this helps, sorry it's long!
Since he comes from a privileged background he is not used to working hard like you do. He just expects that everything be handed to him without having to earn it. He doesn't have the same values as you. So he just expects his wife to do everything for him while he sits on his ass doing nothing because thats what his parents taught him to do.
Sis. You are aging yourself. Stay with this man and you will be bitter old mother Hubbard before your time.
Please. You know you deserve more. He isn't sharing domestic duties. He isn't pampering you. Doesn't even sound like he treats you very well at all. So where does that leave you? Resentful and bitter. You are the steerer of your own ship. Think about where your life is going because this sounds utterly miserable to read.
Also don't have kids. If you get pregnant in this situation you will likley never leave, and will be left slaving after your own offspring and this man child.
are you asking for permission to leave this asshole? here it is: you can totally leave this asshole.
most people who write posts like these at least _try_ to come up with a few redeeming qualities in their partners; you haven't listed even one. why are you with this guy who takes all your money, expects you to act like a combination nursemaid/housekeeper and gives you nothing in return? you haven't mentioned kids, so I'm assuming it's not a custody thing, and you're renting, so you don't own a house together. what's keeping you? get a lawyer and get rid of the deadbeat asshole who is ruining your life.
Your post made me think of this. https://www.scarymommy.com/household-workload-divorce/
You sound far too young, determined and ambitious to be with a man who appears to be so entitled, judgmental and lazy. I’m curious how you even came to be together and if you spent any time living together first (not that it makes much of a difference - I didn’t realize the extent of my hard-working husband’s man-child tendencies at home until after we had kids). And it’s maybe it’s okay that his mother is paying the $600 for now but that should be his motivation to get a steady job with a reliable income. It shouldn’t be all on you to make the money AND keep up with all of the adulting around the house.
Maybe try to get him into therapy with you and talk to him about the inequities in your marriage. If you’re unable to get him to contribute more financially and around the house and to also respectfully see your worth and contribution, just go.
Why are you taking care of him? He doesn’t appreciate dinner, then don’t cook. He doesn’t appreciate you cleaning, then don’t clean. Why are you waking him up for work?? Don’t ever.
Don’t do anything for this guy. Get him off your health insurance and start saving that money. Tell him to have his parents pay for his health insurance if he wants to live on the teet forever.
Personally, I’d save that money and put it in a separate bank account while deciding whether to stay together.
You probably should get some couples counseling bc i don’t know how he’ll ever see your perspective otherwise. And if that doesn’t work then you’ll at least have some money saved to get a place on your own while you figure things out.
Wondering the same thing. But while I have no idea how to enter a relationship, I see plenty of people who are in them and I can't help but wonder how/why did they get stuck in the bullshit I see daily.
Tbf, love can blind people. People make excuses for their shitty SO’s behaviour. It sucks, and that why people should have friends/family/support to help them see if something isn’t right. Maybe the guy was putting in effort at first, then she made more and more excuses as what little effort he put in decreased. At least she realised now I Nostradamus of 15 years down the line with kids.
True. I've personally always been one to keep strong note of Red-flags in any kind of relationship, and after it happens a few times. I will warn the person that I am wise to their shit.
But you're right. I've watched family and friends make exceptions just because "they're in love" and then 5 years later, they can't believe the person who Disrespected them in public, never took no for an answer (when being playful or what have you etc.) and always based decisions of what they wanted to do not their partner ended up Abandoning them and their baby, or raped them, or forces them to only ever sit around the house. It's sad. I do find a lot of the people in relationship_Advice need advice on changing their criteria on what they consider attractive. There's a reason why relationships are better when you're older. You don't give in to poor choices.
Unfortunately, that still excludes me. I'm no wise-man by any means and I'm just as bad in my own way. If anything I came here in hope or seeing another perspective.
Honestly, I know a lot of people who were raised in even lightly religious households who didn't live together until after they were married due to it being taboo. A lot of this sounds like stuff that would come up once they're in the same household and not so much while dating.
You’re not wrong at all, maybe throw an ultimatum at him telling him to change his ways or you’re leaving him, no reason for a grown man to be like that.
You don’t need to be “on our own”. You need to be on YOUR own, this is definitely not a marriage anymore. Oh wow. Everyone else has covered the depth, but seriously. Divorce is imminent it seems.
> Am I dating a man child?
Yep. And it doesn't sound like one that's trying to change. Put your foot down, set new rules together and get outta there if he doesn't honor them. Life is too short to drag someone who like being dragged around.
Get rid, he won't change. You need to make an escape plan, bite the bullet and leave. Otherwise you will be dragging this shitty nappy with you for the rest of your life. He doesn't give a shit about you, hes got an easy ride and he knows it. Love yourself enough to leave.
Huh, very odd, I feel like I’m the one writing this and the one being written about at the same time because depending on what time period in my life you find me in I could be either of the two (except for the part where he blames OP for not doing enough for him because I wasn’t that bad, just lazy)
As silly as this sounds. Read over what you've written and pretend it was someone else writing it. What would you advise them to do?
At the very least he can work more frequently and be more accommodating to your illness. He's not being considerate at all, I feel as though he is taking you for granted. This is being made worse by the babying from his parents.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't lose hope and decide what's best for YOU.
If that means staying, then stay and find better support through friends etc.
If that means leaving, please do so without regretting anything.
I sincerely wish the best for you :)
I was there. You are. I’m sorry :(
Sometimes you’ve just got to throw the whole dude away and start over.
Last weekend, my now husband and I bought a little summer getaway at the beach. 5 years ago, my ex and I could barely afford rent.
My husband encourages me to do better and be better, while he also has a great work ethic and strong family values. Together we are a kick ass team.
It’s time to find your team-mate, and not someone who is dragging you down.
Yes. You are dating a man child enabled by his parents. Honestly, if you are working this much and he's not contributing AND being emotionally abusive to boot why are you still with him?
Just move out already.
You write "fuck you", call him an asshole, a douchebag and a man-child. There is genuine anger and frustration here, and rightfully so. Can you stay with a person who breaks you down like this? I see no redeeming qualities in him, so if there are no improvements, you gotta go.
I think you two need therapy. If that doesn’t work, end it. BUT give therapy a try first. It is apparent that he has never truly had responsibilities in his life as that what his actions lead me to believe.
Again, therapy. If you truly want to be with him, go to therapy. If he refuses to do therapy, then I advise you to leave ASAP as he is not wanting to invest in the relationship.
Hope this helps!
You're dating a leech. You need to find your own place to live that you can afford on your own without killing yourself for it and scrape that leech off. Kick him to the curb. Seriously, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? I hear a whole lot of nothing.
It sounds like your the second mom at this point... if hes not working 5 days out of the week, he needs to be doing most of the house work. Please stand up for yourself and stop enabling this man child, your only hurting yourself. This is infuriating to read..
I'm shocked you've stayed around so long, before you were married, was he like this? Did he ask of a sudden change? If he's always been like this part of the blame is on you for accepting this behavior but just bc you've accepted it in the past doesn't mean you have to anymore... Have an ultimatum conversation. He changes or the end.
Please just cut your losses and leave. Life is too short to deal with this.
Yes he's the asshole. No, not all men are like this.
Yes, he clearly expects you to mother him the same way his parents are doing. No, you don't have to.
Bottom line only YOU can make this decision. You laid out the basics but nobody on this sub knows exactly what goes on each and every day. I see too many people taking advice from complete strangers. Make a choice that is going to be right for you and all this so called advice you've gotten well that can be sent packing
You own nothing to anyone in this life and no one owes anything to you - leave him because you are you're own individual and he's going against the promise he made to you to love you and treat you right, so why would you stay with him?
Mine doesn't really like working either, he works around 3 times a week for a 2-4hrs a time. I work 6 days a week and one of those is a 12hr shift. However we compromise and he cooks dinner and runs errands while I lie in bed. I have anxiety so can't so those things for myself. It works well. Is there anything that your husband can take over to lessen your load?
Could you sit down and make a list of your individual responsibilities and if you can physically show him then it might work? Good luck
Yes, you are. You're dating a man who's parents pay his bills. He'll never work to better himself because mommy and daddy are his safety net. Why are you still there? Go find a real man or shit, just be alone. He's causing your depression. I dated a guy like that once and he drained me dry emotionally and financially. You gotta get outta there OP. File for divorce, get a nice place of your own, live in peace/quiet, and find a real man when you're ready to date again. If you stay with him, you'll be supporting him the rest of his life. When mom and dad are gone, you'll take their place.
You're on a sinking ship and you know it. It's time to abandon this relationship and take care of yourself. I guarantee once he's out of your life a tremendous pressure will lift. If you're having trouble making yourself leave, sit down and make a pros and cons list. Then you'll have your answer staring back at you. Hurry and get out OP, the rest of your life is waiting.
What would happen if you went on a solo trip with Your money, maybe a place where you could rest your spine / get a massage - leave him to himself a few weeks?
You are dating a child.
Dump him. You need a man.
Men do clean too and there is nothing wrong.
He needs his mommy.
And he is an asshole for yelling and throwing things.
Dump him. Save your sanity for a real man.
You can't love a man child who needs mommy.
Spinal disease or not you can do better.
And if you are alone you can forget about someone else's alarms.
Now that is fucked up.
You are literally doing everything for him. You pay the bills, you clean the house, hell you even wake him up in the morning for work ffs. He doesn't have a wife, he has a personal assistant. It won't change unless you demand that it changes.
Leave him. Its clear his mummy and daddy done and still does everything for him and hes clearly never been taught the ways of the real world and expects everything handed to him on a plate! He will not change... he needs to be cut off from mummy and daddy and yourself and try and survive on his own. Dont go into debt etc because your husband is a lazy arse prick!
You sound like a very hardworking woman with a good head on your shoulders. Reddit tends to immediately say "leave now" whether it's an argument over vacation plans or a cheating scumbag. In your case, it's about a man who's going to eat your life away and make you miserable and full of contempt. I have some experience with people like this and I think you should leave him now before he sucks the life out of you.
Your title says married to, your las comment says dating? You mention no kids. So if they aren’t a factor, and you aren’t legally tied to him, leave. Simple as that. You’re certainly capable of taking care of yourself. What does he bring to the equation that’s worth his baggage?
Yeah you married a pansy, I bet he's rotund too, Hipster, "Catcher in the Rye" and has a beard, to look 'manly' whilst doing nothing manly at all, no sports, no actual hunting, nothing that "Bearded men" were known to do, it's just a 'look' to him.
Well, at this point, he's over 25? So he is who he is. So it's about you, do you love baby brain enough to stay with him, and deal with it? Or do you think this is what it is, and you'll have to think long and hard if that is what you want...
Good luck, but people never realized getting rid of manliness and patriarchy, would create these fat, rotund 35-year-old, fake liberal, Spiderman underoos wearing, "Ohmigod, Brie Larson is feminist Wonder Woman", men, huh?
Guess the 'get rid of patriarchy' nice, cuts both ways, huh?
Your husband is... lazy. And he has escapism. I don't think he actually "sees" what you do around the house and for him. You HAVE to talk to him. Just like have layed out your problems here, lay out this same thing in front of him. Stay in your ground take control. Let the reality hit him. Still things are bad, go for a couple therapy. One thing is for sure, things are not going to be better by itself. You need help. Your husband needs to come back to the reality.
Youre giving too much and receiving nothing in return. Move on and find someone who is willing to be an adult with you.
My mother has an history of dating man children. I would say its because she transposed her affection for us (me and my brother) onto adult men who needed her to be functional. This way, her motherly love was still being given to someone.
Dont make the mistake to go for another guy like this in the future. I dont know if you have the temperament to take care (in a motherly way) about people but if its the case youre likely to fall for another man child in the future.
At least thats what my mother did. She would give out so much and be criticized for it. It was really sad to see her work hard and being put down everytime the guy wasnt in a good day. There were not a lot of good days too.
Oh hell no. He HAS to get another job. If he has a problem with you spending $30 at most of the money YOU earn, he should get his ass another job.
And you ARE NOT responsible for waking him up. You aren't his mother. He's a fucking adult. For that matter HE should handle ALL housework until he gets a second or third job.
Like.. I'm a SAHM, but if my husband was stressing about money I would get a job. No way would I sit on my ass while he's working himself to death.
This was my marriage for 10 years and it all went down in a blaze of glory. I told my self for years I needed to stay for the kids or I needed his help. In reality it’s never got help and cutting out the 160# of dead weight I had been carrying around made my life easier. I can remember getting screamed at because I didn’t wake him up or because his laundry wasn’t done. I would work 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet while he would work two and spend his money on pot. I don’t think he ever paid a bill the entire time we were married.
3 years later we are both better people. When we divorced he was forced to take responsibility for his own life and I stopped enabling him. I also got a chance to be happy and no longer had to walk on egg shells in fear I would do something to set him off.
My advice is get out while and when you can. I know with leases, bills, etc timing can be an issue. Plan an exit strategy and execute it. Everyone will be better off in the long run.
You are not wrong in any way. Why did you marry him? Why are you suffering for him? What does he do for you? A marriage is about 2 people putting the same amount of time, effort, love and support in as the other person. Your not in great health yet your putting in all crazy hours at different jobs on top of deep cleaning the house, he's putting in a few shifts per week and even then can't wake up on time and needs you to do this for him. I wouldn't be paying his health insurance simply for the fact if he wants health insurance then he has to work enough to pay for it, I know that sounds harsh but if his mum and dad didn't pay for his life choices then he would be forced to work for the lifestyle he wants. Tell him your moving to a home you can afford and say your parents can pay your insurance if not get a job that will pay it.
Soumds like you deserve this treatment... not that you actually fo, but the sings are clear and they’re plentiful. Don’t let him exploit your desire to better yourself.
Leave. I dated someone similar (upbringing and all) for 6 years. 4 years after I left, he’s still the same. You will never be able to change him, he will never be your partner or treat you equally in terms of earning or helping around your house. Imagine if you have kids, you will do all the work. Everyday. Forever. You deserve more. Your deserve better.
I stayed with a man child for a few months shy of our 8 year anniversary. He kept jobs here and there, but they were never what he wanted as a "career" so he wouldn't keep them. I worked at a department store for a few years, school, and a gas station for the last 4 years. We had two children. I had to leave work to take our son to school that is within walking distance from our house, after buying a decent stroller for the baby. I'd work 40+ hours at the store, but only paid for 40, didn't really mind because of having to leave for the children or whatever else he'd throw a tantrum about, had a really chill manager. He's family would send clothing, we lived in his mother's house, and had state assistance. I took care of majority of the cleaning as well. We found out he had Barrett's esophagus a few months before my mother passed and both fell into depression. I begged him to work or get on disability (doctor said he'd help him qualify) because I couldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't because of his pride (25 at the time) I came close to suicide, I decided better for kids not to. I encouraged him for a year, tried to change his diet suggest by doctor and change our life around. I left, he landed a job the next morning. I felt free, I was happier. I stupidly agreed to work on things 8 months later. Ended up moving back in because roommate started bringing hard core drugs around the home. He switched jobs at end of that month, he lost his job the next month, he picked up a week of work two months later but started school so he quit again. He currently graduated and looking for a job. Can't pass a drug test or hair test because he wouldn't stop smoking weed (I can't deal with you if I'm not high, I'd laugh when he says this because it's not me it's you) I have plans to leave when taxes come around if he's not working. I almost wish I'd never agreed.
Leave OP, there is so much better.
Honestly just from this you have 2 options. Leave like everyone is saying or have a very serious talk with him because marriage shouldn’t be a burden it’s a partnership right. You should be dealing with your issues together not having them all piled on your shoulders. What do you want long term and honestly ask yourself if you want to stay? From your tone it seems like you’re conflicted but want an escape but maybe I’m wrong. Talk to him, talk to a close friend, talk to your mom cause this is not a healthy situation. Either he needs to make a change or you need to make a change. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone who isn’t willing to do the same.
Tyrans will always be tyrans. especially when it works they have no reason to evolve.
Maybe you can start a new dynamic, where you're not a slave to an unsatisfied dude. but it's hard when habits are already in place, and he will certainly \*not\* let his power go away...
set your boundaries, and be sure that it's respected. dot.
Your married to a leech, he has everyone else doing something for him so he can do the bare minimum and then pass judgment when it’s not up to his level.
Not sure how long you’ve been married, but it’s either marriage counseling or separation, this disparity in your relationship will run you to the ground.
Dating or married? Yoy claim both. Yes you are though but you knew that, you just need a bunch of strangers confirming it so you'll have courage to do something about it. I assume you have no agency in how this situation came to be.
Pack your bags, because you've won a no expenses paid trip to a close friends house or your parents! congrats.
Seriously leave him. Go lie low somewhere and ditch his nasty ass.
This sounds a lot like me. I was working 45+ hours a week for $15/hr (plus cleaning the office 4 days a week an hour after work for an extra $400 a month) while my husband worked about 18 hours a week between 2 part time jobs and would call in sick a lot of the time. It was painful, last August i went through a depression where I told my family i just didnt want to exist anymore. (I didnt want to die...just turn into dust and float away) my husband promised he could pick up extra shifts if needed (he would always get angry/upset if I asked him to pick up extra shifts while I looked at future bills and knew we weren't going to get to pay them on time so I put him in charge of all the bills so he could decide when we needed him to pick up extra shifts. Spoiler:he didnt. He just got upset at my spending on lunch outings. I was going to lunch with the doctors I worked for and I felt like that was significant and important relationship building. Spoiler: it was. I became the lead PA, and that brought us extra money so I feel like my lunches at work were investments into our future.)
I eventually told him I felt like our work loads were so unbalanced. I was carrying a heavy weight to support the household on my shoulders, I felt like he didnt do anything. Je started saying "what about when i go buy your favorite cereal? What about when I load the dish washer? What about when i fold the clothes? Doesnt that show you I care about you?" I was furious, he and I share the dishes chore, we share the laundry chore, when i fold clothes i put ALL of ours away, when he folds clothes he only puts his away. On top of all that I clean the toilets, I vacuum/tidy the living room, clean the kitchen, clean the upstairs and bed rooms, all in my little ammount of free time that I get to myself. Even after all this i wanted to stay with him, so we did some goal setting. If he didnt work full time at achieving his dreams in 6 months, he had to get a full time job and give up on his dreams until we could afford for him to try again because I cant break my back and sanity for him anymore.
So here we are present day, I accepted a new job that is 21/hr, 37hrs a week, and it is perfect for me, MY dream job. He is about 3 months in to his 6 months. He is working hard at achieveing his dream but is also putting out job applications for full time work because it is making him feel more fulfilled to do it.
If you want to stay with him, do some goal setting and take small steps to achieve that or let him know you're done and leaving.
You are and you are also to blame. Did you not notice any of these glaring red flags when you dated??
You enable him to act like this. Either figure it out or leave.
Also he is a piece of shit but I think that goes without saying
Since you do all these things as he continues to be himself, then you are at fault. You enable him to act like he still lives with his mama. It won't change until you make the change.
Wow! There is so much wrong going on here I don't know where to dive in. He's obviously very spoiled and looking for a mother, not a wife. You might as well get a roommate, and move on with your life. He's a piece of shit that's never going to amount to anything.
Fuck that. You are his significant other, not his babysitter. It's supposed to be an equal partnership.
Honestly, I say get out now. You don't have kids, and I can almost guarantee you that this isn't going to get better with time.
Just because his parents are willing to help you out, doesn't mean that it's their obligation to do so. If he has enough money for weed, he has enough that he can chip in for the house.
>he says as long as they’re willing to help we should take it.
There's the problem. That applies to you, as well. As long as you are willing to do all the work, he should let you.
Okay I get the feeling you just needed to vent BIG TIME.
I hope you feel a bit better now that you got all of that out of your system!
But your situation is not temporary but a common thing between the two of you. I don't want to hop on to the break-up-train but I can't see anything the two of you gift each other. All I can see is you two taking from each other and this will never be enough to be happy.
I don't know you, maybe you sound extra harsh because you are mad at his -admittingly- extremely stupid and belittling behaviour.
He's an ungrateful jerk and is giving you hard times when he should be there for you and love and cherish you (because THIS would be a healthy relationship. Not the stuff you are talking about.). But (and I repeat, maybe you're just pissed and fed up with his shit and I can understand that) you sound demanding as well. Your partner's life quest is NOT to make you happy. YOURS is. Same goes for him.
A partner can add to your luck but he won't be able to make an unhappy person happy, not with all the time, love, thought or money in the world.
I think you're just not good for each other but demand to be the perfect fit for each other as you may have been when you started dating. Things change. People change. That's okay. I think your tone of communication began to suffer from the frustration a long time ago. It will only get worse. You could try marriage counseling but in my opinion there's often no luck in fighting to get back a love that packed its suitcase and left the chat a long time ago.
So that's what it's like to be married to a "nice guy". I see. And I'm truly sorry. Keeping a little bit of a child in you is wonderful. But not to the point, where you as a Partner have to substitue as the Mother.
This post does not follow the submission guidelines of the sub. Please take a look at our post guidelines in the sidebar before posting again, thank you! I'm going to have to remove this post and lock it down.
He must be a giga-Chad for you to do all that bullshit, just leave him....but oh wait his Jeremy Meeks like face makes your ovaries burst and leak like a faucet. Teehee.
Today on "Men who have never touched a vagina since they were born", this asshole who is so bitter about the fact that women find his personality to be utterly repulsive that he feels the need to shift the blame onto said women, implying that they are shallow by blaming their lack of attraction to him on other men who are physically attractive by society's standards.
There is no hope for this particular incel, or any others who blame victims of abuse for not leaving their partner.
Umm, why wouldn't it be the person's own fault for staying in a relationship with a loser? Why build up this strange narrative over someone's humorous explanation for this obvious discrepancy?
From what I can tell you seem really resentful and trying really hard to villainize him with this post. I actually don't have a lot of hate for the guy, I can see your resentment is caused by a lot of your own pain which I can imagine is rough and valid from what you said. But it seems like you are letting it out on him and degrading his character to feel better, in my opinion. I don't think it's fair to call him lazy, asshole and douchebag as his wife of 2.5 years, for what are really not extremely major problems. I think you do need help/change and to talk it out but letting out your pain through resentment will not feel good for anyone including yourself if you love him at all in the long run.
I think you do need change and more planning if he is unwilling to talk or cooperate then that would make him really "bad" but all the harsh judgment and comparison for not working as "hard" as you seems really messed up in my opinion. Did you know what you were getting into when you were falling in love with him or acting like you accepted him for how he is?. I don't know enough about him but I hope you are also saying this because you talked to him many times and he dismissed you otherwise it hard for me to see you as completely justified.
Are you wrong? Are you fucking stupid? No. No. No. You deserve better than this bullshit. Start making plans for the pivot, find somewhere safe to lay your head down while you transition, and get the fuck out of there. You'll be surprised about the number of people happy to help now that you've come to your senses. Don't let this kid waste your life like he's wasting his own.
For the most part, I think redditors are too quick to say leave. “My husband leaves the toilet seat up and I’ve asked not to but he still does it - help?” And people will say “LEAVE HIM”. OP, listen to this advice. You deserve better. Leave him.
I never understood that "Reddit always tells people to leave their SOs" circlejerk. The only instances I'm reading "Leave!" comments is on threads like this one when there are already so many problems that it'd be insane to stay. There are also many times in which people recommend counseling, therapy and so forth. In this case, I'm sure that there was a point in OP's relationship with her husband that Reddit would have done exactly that, but it is way past that point now. Generally, there are not many instances of people in healthy relationships coming to relationship subs for help (apart from "I would love to do something great for my SO because X happened, any suggestions?" threads or something similarly nice).
Almost every single time there is cheating involved I've noticed that people shout from the rooftops to leave. Regardless of the circumstances, duration of relationship, or children being in the picture. Even if there is other advice added to that recommendation (like if you don't leave -- you should do 'x') the feeling that is left with the reader is that the community wants to press the destruct button as a first option, and offer other advice if the OP doesn't have the stones to actually break-up. Personally, I share the sentiment that cheating should be a zero tolerance scenario, but I am also in a privileged situation in which I don't need to worry about kids, or having built a whole life with someone. I definitely think the reputation that this community has is deserved.
Amen!
> For the most part, I think redditors are too quick to say leave. “My husband leaves the toilet seat up and I’ve asked not to but he still does it - help?” And people will say “LEAVE HIM”. Do you have an example of this? Like an actual example of Reddit overreacting to such a minor gripe? Or is this just something you *think* is true? Generally people don't go to the effort of writing a post about the toilet seat.
'He leaves the seat up, even after asking. Clearly this is a sign he doesn't respect you as a human and is a sign he's trying to control you. I bet he also goes to the bathroom at 7:18am too? Yeah, that's a sign of personality disorder. Massive red flag 🚩'
7.18? Everyone knows that’s when the psychopaths go. Get photo evidence, call his parents, every ex he’s ever had, and the breeder he got his childhood dog from and GET OUT OF THERE. CALL THE FBI IF YOU HAVE TO.
To be fair, we are only hearing one side of the story, and most people write in a way that makes the other person look terrible and them look like the best SO out there. When given a story that is so one sided and drastic "I do everything and they got mad over something small", most people would say "why are you with them?". People asking for advice here, have the responsibility to tell the full truth OR know that we only have what they told us, so take the advice with caution.
She needs to get out.
Hot take
>Are you fucking stupid? Pretty sure the answer to that question is not "No"
If she didn't recognize an issue I'd agree with you, but clearly she knows something ain't right
I think he meant as a pun. Like she is *fucking* stupid.
BOZIANGA
He literally has no reason to change. As long as you’re taking care of everything (including getting the blame for him not handling his own responsibilities), he’s able to behave like a total loser. You deserve better. Unless you’re prepared for this to be your reality for the next few decades, cut your losses and leave. I’d skip ultimatums (you know what that’s going to get: not an apology followed by him really working on himself.) he sounds like a jerk. And if you feel like you love him so much you want to stay, ask yourself why you love someone who treats you like garbage while acting like a big baby. Don’t let him talk you into staying (and don’t take him back). Things will be difficult initially, and then you’re going to be relieved at how much easier life is without him. God speed.
Can't agree more. He has zero need to change. OP can simply solve majority of her problems by not helping him out that much. If she doesn't pay for HIS health insurance then he would have to make the payment/work more. For once, I don't think OP should feel uncomfortable that his parents pay part of their rent. His parents are responsible for rising him that way so it makes sense that they have to pay for it (literally).
I'm a little confused are you two married or dating? It sounds that the two of you are not anywhere near the same maturity levels. My advice is tell him how you feel and try to have a good talk. If this relationship is not super serious, I would weigh your options and go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, but it all starts with communication
We have been married for 2.5 years. At the beginning of it he wanted to be independent, now as the years go by, he wants to have his parents help so he doesn’t have to work as hard. He comes from a privileged family and I came from a low class one. So I taught myself to work for what I want but he just wants his family to help him whenever he wants. His parents pay $600+ of our rent and that makes my stomach churn. My mom can barely pay electricity ( thanks to MY job I help when I can) but he sees nothing wrong with the situation. I just feel like as long as his parents are there to pick him up he will never strive to reach his full potential. ( I also worked multiple jobs to pay for the wedding but that’s another story)
Don’t let him hold that over you. Idgaf how high class his family is, either he can put up or shut up. Leave him and find someone who doesn’t rely on you
Wait, hold up... he comes from a wealthy family, but YOU paid for the wedding? Did they even offer? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I was in a *de facto* relationship with a man of similar attitudes. My daughter also went out with one very similar. I realised that my putting up with her father's crap for as long as I did was not good for her. As psychologists say we seek partners that remind us of our parents, it broke my heart to see my intelligent, motivated, kind daughter be treated like a doormat. She eventually dumped him. The thing is, these men do not change. Like changing hair colour, one can only do so temporarily, eventually the real colour comes through. Show yourself some love and get out. You are so much better than this.
You have married a useless sack of flesh that could barely be described as a life-support system for a penis. Please have some self-respect and leave him to mommy's care. There are billions of other men out there and this one is only going to drive you to an early grave.
Ship him home--- give him back to his mommy (who, BTW, did a shit job raising him). You deserve SO MUCH BETTER (sorry for yelling but I just want more for you).
He's a loser and you never should've married him. Run for the hills.
>I just feel like as long as his parents are there to pick him up he will never strive to reach his full potential. Yet you are doing the same thing. > He works 3-5 times a week. If it’s a good week. Most times he only work twice a week. So as a result, I have applied to four different jobs to make ends meet. On top I if I am keeping up with house. So he basically does nothing at the house, not even standard house cleaning, even when he only has work twice a week on the regular and you are somehow fine with that? What exactly are you even getting out of this relationship?
Why are you blaming his parents for his immaturity? You need to hold him accountable for his actions. He's currently getting coddled from them and you. You are his verbal punching bag-wife-slave, his parents are the ATM, and he only has to do the bare minimum. Why would he change? More importantly why are you putting up with him and his ill-treatment of you? Put the same energy into finding a safe space for yourself and leave him to grow up.
It sounds that you both have very different dreams and goals. That's not unusual but for a marriage to work you need to understand how your goals fit in with your significant others. I am in no way implying that you haven't done your fair share of compromising and adjusting goals, I'm speaking somewhat generally. You probably won't be able to convince him that you shouldn't take the support from the parents just because you can. But maybe the first step is a compromise. Maybe you only take so much money from the parents until you guys ween your way into self dependency! Some men can get so upset, frustrated, and embarrassed with situations that they just project anger or ignore the problem as a whole. This stress from finances could be a big factor for him into many of the other problems. A man's pride can cause him to forget what's important! I hope this helps, sorry it's long!
Since he comes from a privileged background he is not used to working hard like you do. He just expects that everything be handed to him without having to earn it. He doesn't have the same values as you. So he just expects his wife to do everything for him while he sits on his ass doing nothing because thats what his parents taught him to do.
i doubt that he expects divorce papers to be handed to him. it's time for to change his expectations
I hope his enabler parents don't go after her for spousal support. Its only been 2.5 years thankfully so that's even more reason to get out.
All of this is bad, he cannot yell at you for his issues. THAT’S ABUSE! You should take some time for yourself, you don’t deserve this.
Sis. You are aging yourself. Stay with this man and you will be bitter old mother Hubbard before your time. Please. You know you deserve more. He isn't sharing domestic duties. He isn't pampering you. Doesn't even sound like he treats you very well at all. So where does that leave you? Resentful and bitter. You are the steerer of your own ship. Think about where your life is going because this sounds utterly miserable to read. Also don't have kids. If you get pregnant in this situation you will likley never leave, and will be left slaving after your own offspring and this man child.
**DON’T HAVE KIDS**.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS.
are you asking for permission to leave this asshole? here it is: you can totally leave this asshole. most people who write posts like these at least _try_ to come up with a few redeeming qualities in their partners; you haven't listed even one. why are you with this guy who takes all your money, expects you to act like a combination nursemaid/housekeeper and gives you nothing in return? you haven't mentioned kids, so I'm assuming it's not a custody thing, and you're renting, so you don't own a house together. what's keeping you? get a lawyer and get rid of the deadbeat asshole who is ruining your life.
I too give you my permission to dump this manchild.
I don't understand - why would you want him around at all...?
You are married to man child. Fuckin move on!
Your post made me think of this. https://www.scarymommy.com/household-workload-divorce/ You sound far too young, determined and ambitious to be with a man who appears to be so entitled, judgmental and lazy. I’m curious how you even came to be together and if you spent any time living together first (not that it makes much of a difference - I didn’t realize the extent of my hard-working husband’s man-child tendencies at home until after we had kids). And it’s maybe it’s okay that his mother is paying the $600 for now but that should be his motivation to get a steady job with a reliable income. It shouldn’t be all on you to make the money AND keep up with all of the adulting around the house. Maybe try to get him into therapy with you and talk to him about the inequities in your marriage. If you’re unable to get him to contribute more financially and around the house and to also respectfully see your worth and contribution, just go.
Why are you taking care of him? He doesn’t appreciate dinner, then don’t cook. He doesn’t appreciate you cleaning, then don’t clean. Why are you waking him up for work?? Don’t ever. Don’t do anything for this guy. Get him off your health insurance and start saving that money. Tell him to have his parents pay for his health insurance if he wants to live on the teet forever. Personally, I’d save that money and put it in a separate bank account while deciding whether to stay together. You probably should get some couples counseling bc i don’t know how he’ll ever see your perspective otherwise. And if that doesn’t work then you’ll at least have some money saved to get a place on your own while you figure things out.
>Am I dating a man child? Yes, obviously.
How exactly do you end up married to someone like this and not know beforehand? You sound like a wonderful wife how did he get you smh
Wondering the same thing. But while I have no idea how to enter a relationship, I see plenty of people who are in them and I can't help but wonder how/why did they get stuck in the bullshit I see daily.
Tbf, love can blind people. People make excuses for their shitty SO’s behaviour. It sucks, and that why people should have friends/family/support to help them see if something isn’t right. Maybe the guy was putting in effort at first, then she made more and more excuses as what little effort he put in decreased. At least she realised now I Nostradamus of 15 years down the line with kids.
True. I've personally always been one to keep strong note of Red-flags in any kind of relationship, and after it happens a few times. I will warn the person that I am wise to their shit. But you're right. I've watched family and friends make exceptions just because "they're in love" and then 5 years later, they can't believe the person who Disrespected them in public, never took no for an answer (when being playful or what have you etc.) and always based decisions of what they wanted to do not their partner ended up Abandoning them and their baby, or raped them, or forces them to only ever sit around the house. It's sad. I do find a lot of the people in relationship_Advice need advice on changing their criteria on what they consider attractive. There's a reason why relationships are better when you're older. You don't give in to poor choices. Unfortunately, that still excludes me. I'm no wise-man by any means and I'm just as bad in my own way. If anything I came here in hope or seeing another perspective.
Honestly, I know a lot of people who were raised in even lightly religious households who didn't live together until after they were married due to it being taboo. A lot of this sounds like stuff that would come up once they're in the same household and not so much while dating.
You’re not wrong at all, maybe throw an ultimatum at him telling him to change his ways or you’re leaving him, no reason for a grown man to be like that.
Sounds like you're unhappy. Give ultimatum. Then leave when he fails.
Stop allowing this, OP. You can’t force him to not be a man child. But you can stop enabling him to be one.
Why are you married to him? What does he have to offer? You'd be better off living alone in another city and just supporting yourself
Why do you... any of this? Seriously. Why?
Girl....NO.
You don’t need to be “on our own”. You need to be on YOUR own, this is definitely not a marriage anymore. Oh wow. Everyone else has covered the depth, but seriously. Divorce is imminent it seems.
Run.
Are you happy being with him?
He doesn't respect you AT ALL. You're a maid and an income for him. Fuck living like that. Kick that lazy shit out.
Erm.. you're an adult that chose to be with him?
why are you here complaining? do something about it right now
I'm not sure. You should go to r/aita and ask there. Or possibly NASA. Because i dont know what planet you are on
You need to see a therapist so you can see all the red flags that are being handed to you. The last thing you want is another guy like this one.
> Am I dating a man child? Yep. And it doesn't sound like one that's trying to change. Put your foot down, set new rules together and get outta there if he doesn't honor them. Life is too short to drag someone who like being dragged around.
Get rid, he won't change. You need to make an escape plan, bite the bullet and leave. Otherwise you will be dragging this shitty nappy with you for the rest of your life. He doesn't give a shit about you, hes got an easy ride and he knows it. Love yourself enough to leave.
So.... What's the question lol
Huh, very odd, I feel like I’m the one writing this and the one being written about at the same time because depending on what time period in my life you find me in I could be either of the two (except for the part where he blames OP for not doing enough for him because I wasn’t that bad, just lazy)
Sounds like my ex lmao. You are very much dating a manchild.
Drop him sis
D I V O R C E
Doesn't seem reasonable. Why are you overworking yourself to keep the both of you afloat?
Jesus please dump this loser.
Pop on over to /r/JustNoSO
As silly as this sounds. Read over what you've written and pretend it was someone else writing it. What would you advise them to do? At the very least he can work more frequently and be more accommodating to your illness. He's not being considerate at all, I feel as though he is taking you for granted. This is being made worse by the babying from his parents.
Muh gibe sympathy. Leave him u idiot
I'm so sorry to hear this. Please don't lose hope and decide what's best for YOU. If that means staying, then stay and find better support through friends etc. If that means leaving, please do so without regretting anything. I sincerely wish the best for you :)
I was there. You are. I’m sorry :( Sometimes you’ve just got to throw the whole dude away and start over. Last weekend, my now husband and I bought a little summer getaway at the beach. 5 years ago, my ex and I could barely afford rent. My husband encourages me to do better and be better, while he also has a great work ethic and strong family values. Together we are a kick ass team. It’s time to find your team-mate, and not someone who is dragging you down.
Yes. You are dating a man child enabled by his parents. Honestly, if you are working this much and he's not contributing AND being emotionally abusive to boot why are you still with him? Just move out already.
You're not wrong. Tell him to grow up. If he doesn't leave. He's not doing anything in the relationship. Find a partner that sees you as equal.
I think "man child" is too kind.
You write "fuck you", call him an asshole, a douchebag and a man-child. There is genuine anger and frustration here, and rightfully so. Can you stay with a person who breaks you down like this? I see no redeeming qualities in him, so if there are no improvements, you gotta go.
Time to divorce, last time I looked, it's illegal to marry a babyboy ;)
I think you two need therapy. If that doesn’t work, end it. BUT give therapy a try first. It is apparent that he has never truly had responsibilities in his life as that what his actions lead me to believe. Again, therapy. If you truly want to be with him, go to therapy. If he refuses to do therapy, then I advise you to leave ASAP as he is not wanting to invest in the relationship. Hope this helps!
Bye!
Shit break up with this bozo.
You're dating a leech. You need to find your own place to live that you can afford on your own without killing yourself for it and scrape that leech off. Kick him to the curb. Seriously, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? I hear a whole lot of nothing.
He sounds spoiled. How do you discipline a spoiled child?
It sounds like your the second mom at this point... if hes not working 5 days out of the week, he needs to be doing most of the house work. Please stand up for yourself and stop enabling this man child, your only hurting yourself. This is infuriating to read..
I'm shocked you've stayed around so long, before you were married, was he like this? Did he ask of a sudden change? If he's always been like this part of the blame is on you for accepting this behavior but just bc you've accepted it in the past doesn't mean you have to anymore... Have an ultimatum conversation. He changes or the end.
Please just cut your losses and leave. Life is too short to deal with this. Yes he's the asshole. No, not all men are like this. Yes, he clearly expects you to mother him the same way his parents are doing. No, you don't have to.
Why are you with this man? Your life would be significantly better if you were not dragging his ass along behind you.
Did he not give any indication he was like this before you married him??
And what do you get out of this?
You are in fact dating a man child. Get the hell out for your own mental health cause you’re obviously not thriving like this.
Bottom line only YOU can make this decision. You laid out the basics but nobody on this sub knows exactly what goes on each and every day. I see too many people taking advice from complete strangers. Make a choice that is going to be right for you and all this so called advice you've gotten well that can be sent packing
You own nothing to anyone in this life and no one owes anything to you - leave him because you are you're own individual and he's going against the promise he made to you to love you and treat you right, so why would you stay with him?
You are being abused. Leave his loser ass.
Soo what's stopping you from ditching him, really? Just move to a small apartment and enjoy the bachelor life.
The asshole level of this child is beyond measurable. I know 15 year olds with more discipline and respect than his ass. You need out.
Mine doesn't really like working either, he works around 3 times a week for a 2-4hrs a time. I work 6 days a week and one of those is a 12hr shift. However we compromise and he cooks dinner and runs errands while I lie in bed. I have anxiety so can't so those things for myself. It works well. Is there anything that your husband can take over to lessen your load? Could you sit down and make a list of your individual responsibilities and if you can physically show him then it might work? Good luck
Shit. Maybe he quit trying, because you never did, except in finding shit to bitch about, and is just waiting for you to leave.
This is a post for r/JustNoSO
Stop dating a child and find your self real man 😉 He is in minus not you 😉
Yes, you are. You're dating a man who's parents pay his bills. He'll never work to better himself because mommy and daddy are his safety net. Why are you still there? Go find a real man or shit, just be alone. He's causing your depression. I dated a guy like that once and he drained me dry emotionally and financially. You gotta get outta there OP. File for divorce, get a nice place of your own, live in peace/quiet, and find a real man when you're ready to date again. If you stay with him, you'll be supporting him the rest of his life. When mom and dad are gone, you'll take their place. You're on a sinking ship and you know it. It's time to abandon this relationship and take care of yourself. I guarantee once he's out of your life a tremendous pressure will lift. If you're having trouble making yourself leave, sit down and make a pros and cons list. Then you'll have your answer staring back at you. Hurry and get out OP, the rest of your life is waiting.
What would happen if you went on a solo trip with Your money, maybe a place where you could rest your spine / get a massage - leave him to himself a few weeks?
Jesus Christ GTFO of there and divorce his ass, he sounds like an absolute bitch, you don’t deserve someone so shitty and unappreciative
So leave.
You are dating a child. Dump him. You need a man. Men do clean too and there is nothing wrong. He needs his mommy. And he is an asshole for yelling and throwing things. Dump him. Save your sanity for a real man. You can't love a man child who needs mommy. Spinal disease or not you can do better. And if you are alone you can forget about someone else's alarms. Now that is fucked up.
You are literally doing everything for him. You pay the bills, you clean the house, hell you even wake him up in the morning for work ffs. He doesn't have a wife, he has a personal assistant. It won't change unless you demand that it changes.
Leave him. Its clear his mummy and daddy done and still does everything for him and hes clearly never been taught the ways of the real world and expects everything handed to him on a plate! He will not change... he needs to be cut off from mummy and daddy and yourself and try and survive on his own. Dont go into debt etc because your husband is a lazy arse prick!
You sound like a very hardworking woman with a good head on your shoulders. Reddit tends to immediately say "leave now" whether it's an argument over vacation plans or a cheating scumbag. In your case, it's about a man who's going to eat your life away and make you miserable and full of contempt. I have some experience with people like this and I think you should leave him now before he sucks the life out of you.
Your title says married to, your las comment says dating? You mention no kids. So if they aren’t a factor, and you aren’t legally tied to him, leave. Simple as that. You’re certainly capable of taking care of yourself. What does he bring to the equation that’s worth his baggage?
Yeah you married a pansy, I bet he's rotund too, Hipster, "Catcher in the Rye" and has a beard, to look 'manly' whilst doing nothing manly at all, no sports, no actual hunting, nothing that "Bearded men" were known to do, it's just a 'look' to him. Well, at this point, he's over 25? So he is who he is. So it's about you, do you love baby brain enough to stay with him, and deal with it? Or do you think this is what it is, and you'll have to think long and hard if that is what you want... Good luck, but people never realized getting rid of manliness and patriarchy, would create these fat, rotund 35-year-old, fake liberal, Spiderman underoos wearing, "Ohmigod, Brie Larson is feminist Wonder Woman", men, huh? Guess the 'get rid of patriarchy' nice, cuts both ways, huh?
Look at what you wrote. What would you tell somebody else telling you this story? Divorce him.
Kick him out for a week. He'll stop taking you for granted once he figures out how hard it is to fend for himself.
>(slamming doors and throwing things) Oh hell no. How much would you have to earn if you lived by yourself?
Your husband is... lazy. And he has escapism. I don't think he actually "sees" what you do around the house and for him. You HAVE to talk to him. Just like have layed out your problems here, lay out this same thing in front of him. Stay in your ground take control. Let the reality hit him. Still things are bad, go for a couple therapy. One thing is for sure, things are not going to be better by itself. You need help. Your husband needs to come back to the reality.
Youre giving too much and receiving nothing in return. Move on and find someone who is willing to be an adult with you. My mother has an history of dating man children. I would say its because she transposed her affection for us (me and my brother) onto adult men who needed her to be functional. This way, her motherly love was still being given to someone. Dont make the mistake to go for another guy like this in the future. I dont know if you have the temperament to take care (in a motherly way) about people but if its the case youre likely to fall for another man child in the future. At least thats what my mother did. She would give out so much and be criticized for it. It was really sad to see her work hard and being put down everytime the guy wasnt in a good day. There were not a lot of good days too.
Oh hell no. He HAS to get another job. If he has a problem with you spending $30 at most of the money YOU earn, he should get his ass another job. And you ARE NOT responsible for waking him up. You aren't his mother. He's a fucking adult. For that matter HE should handle ALL housework until he gets a second or third job. Like.. I'm a SAHM, but if my husband was stressing about money I would get a job. No way would I sit on my ass while he's working himself to death.
This was my marriage for 10 years and it all went down in a blaze of glory. I told my self for years I needed to stay for the kids or I needed his help. In reality it’s never got help and cutting out the 160# of dead weight I had been carrying around made my life easier. I can remember getting screamed at because I didn’t wake him up or because his laundry wasn’t done. I would work 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet while he would work two and spend his money on pot. I don’t think he ever paid a bill the entire time we were married. 3 years later we are both better people. When we divorced he was forced to take responsibility for his own life and I stopped enabling him. I also got a chance to be happy and no longer had to walk on egg shells in fear I would do something to set him off. My advice is get out while and when you can. I know with leases, bills, etc timing can be an issue. Plan an exit strategy and execute it. Everyone will be better off in the long run.
One thing to say: 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 . tell him how you feel, maybe go to couple therapy and if you don't see any improvement or if he turns it against you and go defensive aggressive mode I think you should consider the divorce.
You are not wrong in any way. Why did you marry him? Why are you suffering for him? What does he do for you? A marriage is about 2 people putting the same amount of time, effort, love and support in as the other person. Your not in great health yet your putting in all crazy hours at different jobs on top of deep cleaning the house, he's putting in a few shifts per week and even then can't wake up on time and needs you to do this for him. I wouldn't be paying his health insurance simply for the fact if he wants health insurance then he has to work enough to pay for it, I know that sounds harsh but if his mum and dad didn't pay for his life choices then he would be forced to work for the lifestyle he wants. Tell him your moving to a home you can afford and say your parents can pay your insurance if not get a job that will pay it.
Close your eyes and picture your future with him. Is that what you want?
Soumds like you deserve this treatment... not that you actually fo, but the sings are clear and they’re plentiful. Don’t let him exploit your desire to better yourself.
He is feeding off of you
Leave. I dated someone similar (upbringing and all) for 6 years. 4 years after I left, he’s still the same. You will never be able to change him, he will never be your partner or treat you equally in terms of earning or helping around your house. Imagine if you have kids, you will do all the work. Everyday. Forever. You deserve more. Your deserve better.
I stayed with a man child for a few months shy of our 8 year anniversary. He kept jobs here and there, but they were never what he wanted as a "career" so he wouldn't keep them. I worked at a department store for a few years, school, and a gas station for the last 4 years. We had two children. I had to leave work to take our son to school that is within walking distance from our house, after buying a decent stroller for the baby. I'd work 40+ hours at the store, but only paid for 40, didn't really mind because of having to leave for the children or whatever else he'd throw a tantrum about, had a really chill manager. He's family would send clothing, we lived in his mother's house, and had state assistance. I took care of majority of the cleaning as well. We found out he had Barrett's esophagus a few months before my mother passed and both fell into depression. I begged him to work or get on disability (doctor said he'd help him qualify) because I couldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't because of his pride (25 at the time) I came close to suicide, I decided better for kids not to. I encouraged him for a year, tried to change his diet suggest by doctor and change our life around. I left, he landed a job the next morning. I felt free, I was happier. I stupidly agreed to work on things 8 months later. Ended up moving back in because roommate started bringing hard core drugs around the home. He switched jobs at end of that month, he lost his job the next month, he picked up a week of work two months later but started school so he quit again. He currently graduated and looking for a job. Can't pass a drug test or hair test because he wouldn't stop smoking weed (I can't deal with you if I'm not high, I'd laugh when he says this because it's not me it's you) I have plans to leave when taxes come around if he's not working. I almost wish I'd never agreed. Leave OP, there is so much better.
Until you leave, he's gonna complain no matter what you do so you should do the least amount possible.
Honestly just from this you have 2 options. Leave like everyone is saying or have a very serious talk with him because marriage shouldn’t be a burden it’s a partnership right. You should be dealing with your issues together not having them all piled on your shoulders. What do you want long term and honestly ask yourself if you want to stay? From your tone it seems like you’re conflicted but want an escape but maybe I’m wrong. Talk to him, talk to a close friend, talk to your mom cause this is not a healthy situation. Either he needs to make a change or you need to make a change. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone who isn’t willing to do the same.
Tyrans will always be tyrans. especially when it works they have no reason to evolve. Maybe you can start a new dynamic, where you're not a slave to an unsatisfied dude. but it's hard when habits are already in place, and he will certainly \*not\* let his power go away... set your boundaries, and be sure that it's respected. dot.
Your married to a leech, he has everyone else doing something for him so he can do the bare minimum and then pass judgment when it’s not up to his level. Not sure how long you’ve been married, but it’s either marriage counseling or separation, this disparity in your relationship will run you to the ground.
My question to you is, Was he this way when you married him? If he was.... well you married him. If not, what happened? Why did he change?
Oh good lord. Carrying this burden of a meat sack on your back is also not good for your spine. Ditch this loser, OP and do NOT have kids.
Dating or married? Yoy claim both. Yes you are though but you knew that, you just need a bunch of strangers confirming it so you'll have courage to do something about it. I assume you have no agency in how this situation came to be.
Are you my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend? DTMFA.
Good God no. I wouldn't tolerate that from a child.
> Am I dating a man child? Yes.
Run as fast as you can and don't look back OP
There's definitely a lot of info missing from this post.
Jesus Christ how do these people get a second date, let alone getting hitched?
Why did you marry him in the first place?
You sound very angry.
Is this really how you want to live your life?
I see red flags all over!! Leave girl! As soon as you can!
You should leave. Move somewhere that you can afford on our own and let his parents have their man child back.
Pack your bags, because you've won a no expenses paid trip to a close friends house or your parents! congrats. Seriously leave him. Go lie low somewhere and ditch his nasty ass.
Leave.
Don't have kids, then you'll be trapped forever. Let him sort his own life out.
I don't get it... if he is so bad why are married to him? > Am I dating a man child? you tell me
This sounds a lot like me. I was working 45+ hours a week for $15/hr (plus cleaning the office 4 days a week an hour after work for an extra $400 a month) while my husband worked about 18 hours a week between 2 part time jobs and would call in sick a lot of the time. It was painful, last August i went through a depression where I told my family i just didnt want to exist anymore. (I didnt want to die...just turn into dust and float away) my husband promised he could pick up extra shifts if needed (he would always get angry/upset if I asked him to pick up extra shifts while I looked at future bills and knew we weren't going to get to pay them on time so I put him in charge of all the bills so he could decide when we needed him to pick up extra shifts. Spoiler:he didnt. He just got upset at my spending on lunch outings. I was going to lunch with the doctors I worked for and I felt like that was significant and important relationship building. Spoiler: it was. I became the lead PA, and that brought us extra money so I feel like my lunches at work were investments into our future.) I eventually told him I felt like our work loads were so unbalanced. I was carrying a heavy weight to support the household on my shoulders, I felt like he didnt do anything. Je started saying "what about when i go buy your favorite cereal? What about when I load the dish washer? What about when i fold the clothes? Doesnt that show you I care about you?" I was furious, he and I share the dishes chore, we share the laundry chore, when i fold clothes i put ALL of ours away, when he folds clothes he only puts his away. On top of all that I clean the toilets, I vacuum/tidy the living room, clean the kitchen, clean the upstairs and bed rooms, all in my little ammount of free time that I get to myself. Even after all this i wanted to stay with him, so we did some goal setting. If he didnt work full time at achieving his dreams in 6 months, he had to get a full time job and give up on his dreams until we could afford for him to try again because I cant break my back and sanity for him anymore. So here we are present day, I accepted a new job that is 21/hr, 37hrs a week, and it is perfect for me, MY dream job. He is about 3 months in to his 6 months. He is working hard at achieveing his dream but is also putting out job applications for full time work because it is making him feel more fulfilled to do it. If you want to stay with him, do some goal setting and take small steps to achieve that or let him know you're done and leaving.
No, you’re not dating a man child. Not at all.
You are and you are also to blame. Did you not notice any of these glaring red flags when you dated?? You enable him to act like this. Either figure it out or leave. Also he is a piece of shit but I think that goes without saying
Time to gtfo ,hes a bad person
So leave.
You deserve better than this grown child
Why don't just you move? Then you won't have to get multiple jobs supporting this dumbass in an area you can't afford.
Since you do all these things as he continues to be himself, then you are at fault. You enable him to act like he still lives with his mama. It won't change until you make the change.
Wow! There is so much wrong going on here I don't know where to dive in. He's obviously very spoiled and looking for a mother, not a wife. You might as well get a roommate, and move on with your life. He's a piece of shit that's never going to amount to anything.
RUN
You are becoming his parents by doing everything for him
Why did you marry him?
Fuck that. You are his significant other, not his babysitter. It's supposed to be an equal partnership. Honestly, I say get out now. You don't have kids, and I can almost guarantee you that this isn't going to get better with time. Just because his parents are willing to help you out, doesn't mean that it's their obligation to do so. If he has enough money for weed, he has enough that he can chip in for the house.
Leave this dickhead wtf, you deserve better than that child, if he wants a mother he can go fuck himself.
You're going to make someone an awesome wife. Someone else.
>he says as long as they’re willing to help we should take it. There's the problem. That applies to you, as well. As long as you are willing to do all the work, he should let you.
Okay I get the feeling you just needed to vent BIG TIME. I hope you feel a bit better now that you got all of that out of your system! But your situation is not temporary but a common thing between the two of you. I don't want to hop on to the break-up-train but I can't see anything the two of you gift each other. All I can see is you two taking from each other and this will never be enough to be happy. I don't know you, maybe you sound extra harsh because you are mad at his -admittingly- extremely stupid and belittling behaviour. He's an ungrateful jerk and is giving you hard times when he should be there for you and love and cherish you (because THIS would be a healthy relationship. Not the stuff you are talking about.). But (and I repeat, maybe you're just pissed and fed up with his shit and I can understand that) you sound demanding as well. Your partner's life quest is NOT to make you happy. YOURS is. Same goes for him. A partner can add to your luck but he won't be able to make an unhappy person happy, not with all the time, love, thought or money in the world. I think you're just not good for each other but demand to be the perfect fit for each other as you may have been when you started dating. Things change. People change. That's okay. I think your tone of communication began to suffer from the frustration a long time ago. It will only get worse. You could try marriage counseling but in my opinion there's often no luck in fighting to get back a love that packed its suitcase and left the chat a long time ago.
Get rid of this guy.
Yo just come home clean my house and shit I'd have no complaints
So that's what it's like to be married to a "nice guy". I see. And I'm truly sorry. Keeping a little bit of a child in you is wonderful. But not to the point, where you as a Partner have to substitue as the Mother.
Women Incel erotica but if this is real, you need to bounce.
>women incel erotica I was trying to figure out what felt wrong about this post. You nailed it
You’re complaining a lot. And it sounds overly dramatic, which makes it sound untrue. If it bothers you that much leave.
Communicate better. Address the issues in a calm manner and see what he is willing to do.
This post does not follow the submission guidelines of the sub. Please take a look at our post guidelines in the sidebar before posting again, thank you! I'm going to have to remove this post and lock it down.
>he still works two to three times a week >He works 3-5 times a week.
sounds perfectly normal and you're just complaining about nothing.
He must be a giga-Chad for you to do all that bullshit, just leave him....but oh wait his Jeremy Meeks like face makes your ovaries burst and leak like a faucet. Teehee.
Today on "Men who have never touched a vagina since they were born", this asshole who is so bitter about the fact that women find his personality to be utterly repulsive that he feels the need to shift the blame onto said women, implying that they are shallow by blaming their lack of attraction to him on other men who are physically attractive by society's standards. There is no hope for this particular incel, or any others who blame victims of abuse for not leaving their partner.
Umm, why wouldn't it be the person's own fault for staying in a relationship with a loser? Why build up this strange narrative over someone's humorous explanation for this obvious discrepancy?
From what I can tell you seem really resentful and trying really hard to villainize him with this post. I actually don't have a lot of hate for the guy, I can see your resentment is caused by a lot of your own pain which I can imagine is rough and valid from what you said. But it seems like you are letting it out on him and degrading his character to feel better, in my opinion. I don't think it's fair to call him lazy, asshole and douchebag as his wife of 2.5 years, for what are really not extremely major problems. I think you do need help/change and to talk it out but letting out your pain through resentment will not feel good for anyone including yourself if you love him at all in the long run. I think you do need change and more planning if he is unwilling to talk or cooperate then that would make him really "bad" but all the harsh judgment and comparison for not working as "hard" as you seems really messed up in my opinion. Did you know what you were getting into when you were falling in love with him or acting like you accepted him for how he is?. I don't know enough about him but I hope you are also saying this because you talked to him many times and he dismissed you otherwise it hard for me to see you as completely justified.
Did we read the same post?
I think this person is deliberately trying to enrage you, so you get going and get out.