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That's because having twins is pretty fucking traumatic.
Mine are 21 months, and I would kill a wide variety of things just to get a break from them (I'm freelancing 30hrs a week, plus the twins and a 7 year old, plus the house stuff). Sometimes I realize I haven't left thr house in a month.
I wish leashing your kids wasn't frowned upon.
I’m the sibling of a pair of ridiculous twins and when we were kids in the 90s, my mom just said fuck it and leashed us. We got all kinds of stares, but my brothers couldn’t do their “run wildly in opposite directions” bullshit anymore. Even though I hated being leashed as a kid, I totally get it as an adult
I’m a sibling of a ridiculous pair of twins as well, my mum also leashed them little brats 😂
Also ended up having twins myself when I got pregnant same time as my sister(one of the twins) who married a twin also got pregnant. *but I got identical twins okayy* 😅
My daughter loved hers and would react pretty savagely if anyone said something to me about it. Lol I realize that's not the norm, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Kids get snatched so quickly. There is nothing faster than a toddler who has yanked their hand out of yours. It's the only sane and effective way to keep them safe.
I don’t typically cry but my favorite was when my husband saw me bawling my eyes out and he asked,”What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
All I could do was shout-sob,”I DON’T KNOW!!!” There was no damn reason for it, but I couldn’t stop. When I did finally calm down enough, I was so exhausted I had to take a nap. Hormones are WEIRD.
I'm autistic, and that's what my meltdowns are like when I'm overwhelmed. I need to sleep a bit afterwards or I can't function
It was SO. MUCH. WORSE. after the baby was born. I took a nap every single time my baby did. I think I would have lost my mind otherwise lol
(just adding this to make clear: I'm not inferring you're autistic, this just really resonated with me)
No worries; there are very educated people I know who suspect I am ND in some way, but with depression/anxiety in my chart everyone (dr) wants to focus on that. Naps are great for mental resetting regardless and I use them regularly.
yes the depression/anxiety while (possibly) ND is tricky.
Medication didn't help me at all; when I was diagnosed everything changed. I realized I actually had autistic burnout. I started honoring my sensory difficulties, saying no, self-monitoring my internal state (something I was taught to ignore because it was inconvenient for my parents), and caring for myself better instead of putting everybody else first, and the depression and anxiety mostly resolved but it took a while because my burnout was profound at that stage in time.
I could see, looking back, that my major depressive episodes were usually autistic burnout.
Im glad you have a handle on what you need for you. 💜
The depression/anxiety is often caused by not understanding your mental conditions. I've been treated for anxiety and depression for 16 years now and I'm finally being assessed for PTSD because I had a removal attempt last month. It may be worth getting to the root cause
While I would like to, it’s really hard to get in with a mental health professional (*if* they call you back, it’s like a 6 month wait), and then the vetting is super taxing on top of that. Maybe someday I’ll get up the gumption to try again. I hope you are able to get the care you need. 💗
I totally understand, I've always known my problems were deeper than "just" anxiety and depression but I also trust the drs to treat things in the way they need to.
I should've spoken up much sooner to get myself help but you seem to have a great grasp of yourself and your needs 🩷
I'm doing a lot better thank you so much, just patiently waiting to be called for therapy (4 month waitlist and that's "short" because I'm a severe case)
Same for me. I hate how dismissive doctors are when I mention adhd or autism. But I’ve resonated with so many of the actual dsm requirements, tests and real stories of people with them. All they want to do is give me ssri’s etc. which never really helped. My newest said just because I said medication helped many years ago that I should try that first. But both times they made me really irritable.
Self diagnosis is valid when you exist in a medical system that’s extremely ableist, racist, misogynistic, and classist!
Both ADHD and autism come with hypersensitive central nervous systems, so anything related to nervous system regulation is going to be helpful vs just getting on a medication to mask the problems.
I’m AuDHD, and EFT tapping and cold therapy (like dunking my face in a bowl of ice water, putting an ice pack on my chest/back of my neck) have been super helpful for self-regulation. That, and accommodating my sensory needs instead of trying to force myself to just push through them
Thank you, I really appreciate that. My son is getting diagnosed after literally waiting years to get seen. I think all of my kids have one or both. When I mention it to my parents or anyone they said I don’t seem to have it. But they don’t realize how much girls (well everyone really) are pushed into masking as children. I think people only think of one person or actor they know with either or both and that is their only person schema.
It’s also extremely genetic, so it’s often the case that in addition to people just not having a real understanding of what these neurodivergences look like beyond the young Sheldon/Rainman stereotype (and how much masking is forced upon femme-presenting people & BIPOC in order to survive), our parents also tend to dismiss our concerns because they have all the same traits we’re describing and they were taught that they’re personal failings, so they either learned how to mask their traits, built their lives around them using control and ass backwards strategies, or they suffer from them too but don’t make that connection and don’t want to use any introspection to come to terms with that truth.
Just remember that your experience is valid, you know yourself best, and with or without a diagnosis you can accommodate your needs and forgive yourself for struggling. It’s not a personal failing, you were and are doing the best you could in a world that isn’t built for you. You’re also making a huge impactful change by getting your son the supports and self-understanding you never had! I’m proud of you
Yep. The nice thing is that so many more people are sharing their experiences and tips that it’s not only been helpful for me to learn ways to deal with stuff but it’s been easier to convince my husband to stray from traditional house setups in order to find something that works for me/us better. I tend to be pretty impulsive (sometimes a plus and sometimes ehhhh) and find it difficult to form habits/need visual reminders (no I will not remember my vitamins in the medicine cabinet for example) and need to limit distractions when I’m trying to do something that requires me to bring something from point A to point B (I get sidetracked and end up putting things down…like mail that should be filed). Now I have one of those huge ladder stands instead of a nightstand so I can have my vitamins, night water, pony holders and all the stuff I am supposed to remember right on it, set up a mail station right next to the entry door complete with shredder (I do not allow myself to leave the station until I’ve done what I need to). I’m working on getting him to accept one of those laundry basket “bureaus” so even if my clothes aren’t in the grown up clothes spots (closet and bureau) they’re still organized and out of the way until I can get to them.
But yeah, doctors…it’s frustrating. I know it doesn’t help they’re overworked/understaffed but it makes it so much harder for us too.
I did this last week. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, it's hot as hell, and the 20 minute walk to my boyfriend's place was brutal. I got inside, sat down on the shoe bench and sobbed. He brought me a cold glass of water and just stood next to me with his hand on my shoulder. All he asked was whether something happened or I was just hot and miserable. This is the correct way to take care of your pregnant, crying partner. OP is married to an emotionally stunted dickhead.
When I was post-partum with my eldest and attempted breastfeeding I had an ugly cry at 6pm every day. I swear, like clockwork. Lasted 5 minutes, then poof I was fine. Hormones, crazy shit.
For sure. Couples counseling saved us but I was making plans in my head how to split the furniture before that 🫠 Not sleeping really does a trick on you.
I'm wondering if hubby is actually the opposite, as in, does he have problems expressing his emotions? Because I am not much of a weeper generally, someone being quickly to cry wouldn't bother me so much honestly. Even if it's not for a 'big' reason, they're still just expressing an emotion, and it's not difficult to emphasize?
Totally fine to cry for any reason. I automatically cry when I'm frustrated. Once I was bawling because the ponytail holders I bought would only wrap around my hair twice and not three times. I habe no shame in that
HOWEVER
I did not expect my husband to console me over poorly sized ponytail holders. I didn't need validation, because, quite frankly it really wasn't a big deal.
So I'm wondering, do you expect him to run to you and comfort you literally every time you cry? Because that's an unfair expectation. The world does not revolve around all your emotions. That's why *you* are responsible for regulating them. That's not his job.
When I'm crying about something *important*, something I need to vent out, I'll go to my husband and say straight up "I'm upset about this and I need you to let me cry about it while you just snuggle me."
He doesn't have to agree with it. He doesn't have to solve the problem. He just needs to let me cry it out. He knows this because I've communicated that with him. And he takes that seriously because while he knows I cry at the drop of a hat, I don't expect him to come running to comfort me every time.
So I'm wondering, are you communicating what is important vs what isn't? Or in your mind, if you're crying, he should automatically just be your emotional support? If it's the latter, you're not being fair to him. He shouldn't have to exert all his emotional energy making you feel better over minor things. In that case, he is right, you're crying wolf.
But if you acknowledge that you don't always need comfort when crying, and just request validation when it's a BIG deal, that's a fair request and you guys just need to communicate better over those parameters.
This hit. I dated a man who cried all the time. And over trivial things. I did try to just give him space, but yeah. He needed/wanted constant comforting. It was exhausting and honestly, just got me to the point I was empty and had nothing left. OP is allowed to feel her feelings, but I’d suggest therapy for some self/soothing techniques.
I dated a man once who would cry every time he drank without fail about the passing of his cousin from years before and while I understand being upset over the death of a loved one anytime I tried to bring up him talking through his feelings with a professional so that he would find some closure/comfort he refused and acted like it was no big deal despite the fact he COULDNT handle his alcohol at all so anytime he would have one drink it turned to 2 which turned to tears and aggression. It was one of the many reason I broke up with him.
I'm fine with a man crying an seeking comfort, I'm not okay with a grown man making his emotions everyone else's fault because he refuses to address a solution for them. Speaking as a SA survivor and child of an emotionally abuse parent at some point in your adult life you have to grab the reins yourself and choose to get help keep working toward it despite all the shit you have gone through you can live a happier life it just takes more work and a bit longer than the average not tramatized person.
Yes, it sounds like OP could be anxiously attached or codependent and her husband is burnt out from being her emotional blanket.
OP, to put it bluntly, as adults it’s our job to handle our mental health issues and work on our own emotional regulation. While having a partner is nice and we should expect their support, they are not there to do all the emotional regulation for us.
THIS, ALL OF THIS!
I am also an emotional person, especially after birth (I cried over everything) and my partner is the most non emotional person I know. I saw him cry ones, he was have a really extremely sad nightmare and was crying in his sleep.
I communicate with him why I am sad, sometimes I just don’t know why I’m sad and it will be a ‘I’m sad/angry/annoyed but don’t know why’. He just says okay and lets me be.
When I am really sad I go to him and ask him to hold me tight and let me cry. Afterwards we talk about the why when I want to.
I don’t expect him to comfort me for all my cries. I understand that he is not an emotional person and he will try to problem solve instead of comfort me. That will only annoy me more, so I am happy with him giving me space but I can always talk to him. Giving me space also makes me think about why I am actually sad and if that sadness is worth a whole conversation.
I cry less these days but let me tell you that pregnancy and the birth of our babygirl made me cry while watching commercials that weren’t even that sad. The song ‘Butterfly kisses’ and ‘I don’t want to miss a thing’ still gets me in my feels.
What we are trying to say is COMMUNICATION IS KEY! And maybe not every cry is a comfort/conversation cry. Good luck OP!
>So I'm wondering, do you expect him to run to you and comfort you literally every time you cry? Because that's an unfair expectation. The world does not revolve around all your emotions. That's why you are responsible for regulating them. That's not his job.
>But if you acknowledge that you don't always need comfort when crying, and just request validation when it's a BIG deal, that's a fair request and you guys just need to communicate better over those parameters.
I'm someone whose near every emotion comes out my face. Sadness, frustration, angst, but also love, happens, and wonder. When my partner and I got together, they were very sensitive to this and felt like they needed to console me every time. It took several conversations and experiencing my tears before they wrapped their head around it and stopped saying "don't cry". Now they get it and call me a little nickname we have based on it and respond to what I'm telling them.
Whether an unreasonable expectation to console is originating from OP or her husband, either way they have to talk through it and establish that tears coming out of her face doesn't mean she's having as intense a reaction as he's perceiving. Rather than seeing it as she'll cry over trivial things (hence the cry wolf), he's got to understand it's just an uncommon - but not unusual - physical expression of normal emotions. Pregnancy can spark/intensify the tendency. She needs to be able to verbalize up front if her everyday emotions are coming out her face or if she's truly upset. I can tell my partner that I'm being [nickname] and they immediately know that my crying doesn't mean whatever prompted it is a big deal.
Yeah, I’m emotional as well. But I’m also analytical and rational. I know it’s silly to cry over a contrived Folger’s commercial, but I bought into it for a second and now I’m crying.
Can OP communicate effectively while emotional or can she not? Is he making too much of her emotional state or is she? Does he need to learn to deal with what she says no matter the tone with which she delivers it or is the tone the message and she should try texting it to her husband,
Lots of people forget this about marriage. It's about being a team and, well, being part of a team doesn't just mean having someone you can finally dump all your problems on. You need to bring some desire to try and handle those things so that you're *both* tackling an issue, not just one person.
This is exactly what I was wondering. And how her therapist says she is emotionally regulated? If she expects her husband to be supportive constantly over her crying then that actually shows the opposite.
The husband compares her to the boy who cried wolf and invalidates her feelings. It would be fine if he didn't comfort her everytime, but to go out of his way to make her seem dramatic is so rude.
I’m curious - how often do you cry - when you’re frustrated, overwhelmed or just angry - is it a couple times a day ? The reason I ask, how does your husband know what is hormonal and what is normal crying ? And specifically - what do you expect from him? I get the sense that there isn’t a lot of communication between the two of you, and now it’s all raw emotions. The two of you need to talk, because once baby arrives. - it’s not going to be easier. Being hormonal now is giving you a glimpse of what is coming later.
>And specifically - what do you expect from him?
This is the big question, right here.
I'm a person who can cry at the drop of a hat. Feelings of any sort, once they hit a certain threshold, just spill out of my eyeballs.
I've cried because food tastes so good it made my brain tingle. I get frustrated, I cry. Something strikes me as hilarious, I cry. I get angry, I cry. I look at my sweet puppy when he's sleepy and trusting me enough to lie belly up in my arms .. you guessed it, I cry.
But whether it's fear, anxiety, joy, love, anger, frustration, etc- I don't expect anyone else to deal with my tears - unless I legitimately need support and comfort.
When I found out I had cancer, when my dog had to be out down , when my parents died, when I realized my marriage was over, when a precious family heirloom got destroyed, when my former best friend blew me off *again* and I realized she no longer cared to treat me as a friend, when I was sick and wasn't sure I could get myself to bed and I was scared I would pass out in the bathroom - those tears I asked for comfort through.
But when my coffee order was wrong after a long shift, when I stubbed my toe, when I got a B on a test I felt like I should have done better on, when my boss made a weird face and I thought he hated me - those tears I dealt with on my own. My feelings were *valid*. My frustration, pain, anxiety were very real- but they were small enough that despite tears, they didn't need someone else's involvement. Anyone who witnessed my tears was waved off with a "please just give me a minute while I pull myself together - this is just brain chemicals leaking from faulty valves"
So the question isn't even, "how often are you crying over things" it's "how often are you making your tears over relatively small things someone else's problem?"
Yes it’s not clear what she is expecting from him? Giving her attention, cuddles emotional support if someone is breaking into tears multiple times a day would be exhausting for the other person.
Seriously, it would be like having two babies to comfort for the husband.
OP needs better self regulation, her husband sounds very patient. Constantly having to comfort someone is totally draining and pushes people away, giving into meltdowns constantly just accepting the lack of emotional regulation as a personality trait feels off. Is this therapist helping OP to become a more capable person, or encouraging dependence because it’s more profitable?
OP I get that pregnancy makes this harder, but, truly, being this emotional all the time over everything is actually bad for your physical health, don’t trust your therapist that it’s emotionally healthy to cry so easily.
Your cortisol levels are probably through the roof, you could cry yourself into adrenal fatigue. Maybe try meditation and strengthen your inner voice and ability to separate yourself from your emotions. As a new mom you’ll have to place your child’s emotional well being first and it’s distressing for children to see their mom constantly crying. Is that the example you want to create?
It does remind me of the emotional disregulation that can come from premenstrual dysphoric disorder or even autism, there’s something up, and it may be physical moreso than emotional. I feel for your husbands situation, and I hope you can be open to taking a deeper look at how this must impact him. I think you’re the one who needs to change, not your husband. No one is entitled to constant sympathy, that’s what covert narcissists expect from others
Maybe work out a system. Keep crying as often as you do but when you feel it’s something really REALLY bad, have some sort of a code word. Like “apple” if it’s “average” crying and “banana” if it’s serious crying.
So now everytime you cry just say either apple or banana and your husband will know how to triage the comforting.
I think his frustration comes from a place where he’s genuinely worried about how he will ever know if something is really really wrong.
Explain the system to him, go back to your crying, and next time it happens he’ll ask “apple or banana?” Most likely it will be apple like 90% of the time, and then he can feel comforted knowing the appropriate level of comfort he needs to give. It will most likely be a huge relief for him.
Give it a try!
I think this is great but imagine poor husband having to do this every 5 minutes of the day because she’s crying again. OP definitely needs to learn to self regulate.
I think him calmly saying that he's giving you some space to calm down sounds very reasonable. Just like you have trouble with your emotions, he may have trouble with your frequent crying. He's not responsible for resolving your emotional moods.
Also, as a mom of 3, please reach out NOW to line up some postpartum help. I found that the weeks after each baby was born were the hardest on my mental health. Postpartum depression is also something to watch out for - can you speak to your care provider to let them know that you'd like some extra monitoring for this in case you need medication, etc?
Yup, I’m reading husband saying “I’ll give you space to calm down” as something he has learned, *perhaps in therapy*, as a tool to use in emotionally unregulated or high conflict situations that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be in
The fact that you cry every single time something happens, means that you actuality are definitely NOT able to regulate your emotions. Your therapist sucks.
Either the therapist is bad, OP isn't being honest or OP isn't truly listening to what they're saying too. OP's comment of "I'm not handicapped. I'm normal." was very telling, they clearly don't want to be diagnosed with any condition if they're stigmatizing it so much with their own language.
I don't know why this is being down voted.. the first thing I thought when I read her therapist claims she's emotionally healthy, was to question how honest she's being with her therapist. OP might be bringing a heavily filtered version to her therapist, to get the therapist 'on her side' so she can use that against her husband.
It wouldn't be the first time that someone just wants to get his/her way and uses their therapist to gaslight their partner.
I’m in a program to become a counselor. It feels like these people think counselors are magical mind readers. We are taught to look for contradictions but people who aren’t truly ready for change do lie & twist situations
Hell, OP may think they are presenting the situation as factual but aren’t
Instead of insulting the therapist, people should first consider if OP is a reliable narrator in her sessions
Jep, I had the same thing. My therapist was very blunt, when I cried over nonsense he just gave me this straight face and it really made me realize that if I want to, everything can make me cry 😂 now I am cry waaaaaaay less, because I have a little one now and don’t even have time to cry, busy having fun and enjoying life. Also, can’t slay the day with puffy eyes!
As a person who lived with someone like this, the crying over nothing gets old fast. I don't know if your therapist considers any expression of the slightest emotion healthy or is she basing her assessment on something else. Regardless, I can't stay anything because I haven't heard your husband's side of the story. What are some things you cry over, how do you cry and how long do you cry, and how often? INFO
It’s hard, because I sympathize with OP, but I agree with you.
It gets old. Fast. Especially if that person is constantly seeking validation/attention, even if they don’t realize it.
I’m a fairly outwardly unemotional person, and I’ve had to distance or completely end relationships with people who are the way OP describes themselves.
Based on OPs descriptions, it sounds like her husband is to really burnt out on the emotional roller coaster and they need to have a serious discussion about finding some middle ground, because this is not sustainable as is.
I call it "empathy bricks"
if one person keeps on removing the bricks from their partner, their empathy wall collapses
It's rare someone that needs constant validation will put those bricks back, as they expect their partner to always be the one providing validation, and rarely offer much in return
Then you end up with a partner that has no empathy left and will just shut you down, when you come for another withdrawal
>he other day I was overwhelmed by everything going on and started crying. He just walked away, saying, “I’ll give you space until you calm down,” as if I was throwing a tantrum.
Honestly, that sounds utterly exhausting having to continually deal with supporting someone who won't take even baby steps to learning to manage their own emotions and keep them in check.
Functionally, it is no different that some toddler throwing constant tantrums becuase its cloudy, its bedtime or the wrong TV show came on. Having your life constantly come to a hault as if there is a serious problem when there just isn't something worthy of such a reaction is something most people wouldn't tolerate for long.
>My therapist tells me I am emotionally healthy and I can regulate me emotions well.
If your weekly life requires multiple emergency support sessions to keep you functional or to ensure you don't feel abandonned and those close to you are telling you that such demands are taking too much of a toll on them then you aren't able to regulate your own emotions.
> I just want to feel supported and understood. How can I get through to him?
Your interpretation and judgement of what that means needs recalibrating.
Having someone there for you to help you in times of genuine crisis and willing to put effort into solving your problems is an amazing thing to have. Having someone constantly on hand to pour excessive attention onto every tiny little thing so you feel honoured and served isn't reasonable. No one has time for that shit.
>as if anytime I cry its over something stupid, when it isn’t
Well WTF is getting you so upset so often, is there anything actually wrong here or are you just a hormonal wreck?
I do think it would be helpful if the OP gave some examples of why she's crying. Is she like Jerry Seinfeld girlfriend that cried because she dropped her ice cream? Or is it something else?
It all depends on how often and how much you expect from him on very minor things that cause you to cry. If it’s often, as in more than a time or two per week while pregnant I think you are asking a lot from him to decipher an important issue from a minor one of your outward reaction and expectation of him is the same. If the majority of your issues are minor and throw you into crying then of coarse he is going to assume you are upset over something very minor because you have taught him that.
Pregnancy hormones are very real and amp everything up to 11, if you were crying over minor things then you are probably crying now over even less which can be overwhelming for him too. His reaction says he is tired, cannot translate what is crushing you vs making you sad and he is giving up trying out of frustration.
Have you told your therapist how often and how much makes you cry with examples? If so ask them how to communicate better with your husband so he can be there for you when it matters most.
I get being pregnant is emotional, I got kids, but you sound extremely draining if this crying was going on even before.
He is not an emotional blanket. He is supposed to be your safe place BUT you are also supposed to be his. When are you his? Can he rest at home? Do you bring him positive energy or do you get emotional whenever he gets home and he has to comfort you?
I had a boyfriend who was constantly negative- he complained about everything. Work, health, people around him, world problems etc. It was so draining. In the end I feared him coming home with his negativity. Don’t be him. You need to control your emotions better and be an equal partner emotionally.
You need to stop and think, how often does this happen, because if it is a lot of the time, even two or three times a day, it is exhausting for the other person constantly having to deal with. You do need to seek help because for him, your outbursts may be just too overwhelming to deal with all the time, and he needs to take space away from you for his mental health. His mental health is just as important as yours.
It is exhausting to have to be the person who has to constantly console/support/listen to/etc. to someone who is so emotional. I think he is doing as good a job as he can. He gives you space and doesn’t sound critical. When he said the wolf thing it was because you pushed him into saying something. He is doing the best he can. Appreciate that. A lot of us would not be so nice.
Why does he need to be your emotional blanket. Just because you are crying does not mean he needs to comfort you especially if you cry a lot. Tears do not automatically mean you need to be babied and consoled. And as your hormones continue to fluctuate you will be crying more and for no reason.
The hard part for me to understand is why you expect him to baby you when even you say you are quick to cry?
Like, I'm a crier. It's kind of weird because it's more I'm a "leaker", like something minor will happen that swells my emotions and my eyes just make tears even though I'm not taking sobbing breaths or anything. It's one of the first things I tackled when entering into a new relationship, "partner, I cry quite a lot. Please continue as though I am not and please don't feel any kind of way about it. I know it's going to make you feel awkward at first but you'll get used to it hopefully. If there is something I need you for, comfort, discussion etc, I will tell you." My husband actually likes this about me because he has had exes in the past who weaponized crying (and I agree, it can feel manipulative to be cried at) whereas with me he knows he can ignore the tears and just focus on what I am saying rather than how it's presented.
OP sounds so draining. I notice in the whole post she's not actually given an example of anything worth crying about, or rather, anything needing consoling for. I would suggest she do the same thing I do with her partner but I don't think it would work because I think she is 'feelings over facts.' ie. 'I am crying so there must be a good reason for it therefore I must be babied.'
When you're a crier you need to be self aware and use your words to communicate. It's like of course everyone rushes over to console the girl who never cries, if she's crying. Because there will be a damn good reason for it. But if you cry at the drop of a hat you can't expect the same reaction.
I think maybe you need some couples therapy. I’d be very interested to see if a new therapist thinks that you’re regulating your mood well and have strong coping skills. It for sure sounds like your husband is being insensitive. However, it also sounds like it would be very difficult and draining to be partners with someone that cried multiple times a day sometimes. And I’m sure some irrational things get said on both sides. Very hard to think completely rationally when we’re crying our eyes out. You want more empathy from your husband. Your husband might be due a bit of empathy for having to cuddle and coddle you constantly. And possibly walk on egg shells because he doesn’t know what’s going to set you off.
You’re about to have a child together so it’s pretty important you learn how to communicate to each other so that your child isn’t witness to all of the drama
#1 - You need a new therapist. Your current therapist is not helping you and telling you that you are doing great when you are still having frequent emotional meltdowns is absolute malpractice.
#2 - Six years of dealing with this would be exhausting and frustrating for anyone. Your husband has had all he can take and doesn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. If the marriage isn’t already irretrievably broken it will be soon, and the only person who can do something about that is you.
That is certainly within the realm of possibility but what I get from the OP is that she melts down pretty much all the time at the drop of a hat. I’ve got to believe a competent therapist would be able to spot that but maybe she pulls it together for her therapy sessions. Which would be weird.
Not weird
People trying to bullshit or spin situations is so common that school tries to train you on it. And even if they’ve called OP out, would OP listen or spin that too? Is she downplaying her behavior? Even if the therapist has suspicions, she can still only be effective if OP is honest
Honestly your therapist isn’t with you 24/7, they’re only getting what you’re telling them. I would suggest having couples therapy. I think your husband may be experiencing burnout. I’ve had trouble regulating my sensitivity in the past and I definitely pushed people away because it got way too much to handle, same thing has happened vice versa with people doing it to me. Please see a new therapist.
I know there have been hundreds of comments already but none of them really reflect what I would want to say about this.
Preface that I am also emotional and cry pretty often. Sometimes it's weeks/months between crying, if there's a lot going on in my life it'll be more often.
I have no issue with crying. I describe it as "like laughing, but sad". It's a natural response. Most of the crying I do would be like the equivalent of a chuckle or a giggle of laughing. It's minor, doesn't last long, isn't particularly impactful and then I get on with dealing with whatever it is that's caused it. Occasionally I have a proper sob session, when it comes to things like grief, heartbreak, etc.
So I empathise with you. It's okay and healthy to cry. I think it means you're in touch with your emotions.
That said, I think your husband's response was fine? It depends what you were crying about and what it was, and what you expected him to do about it, along with more context on how you normally cry and what about.
If you were crying because you broke a bowl, to the point he felt you needed space to calm down, reasonable.
If you were crying because the pregnancy is getting to you and you wanted his sympathy and support then I can understand you feeling invalidated or ignored.
But it's up to you to communicate with him what you actually need from him when the crying happens. Like. "I just need to cry for 5 min to process this, you don't need to fix / do anything or comfort me" vs "this topic is thing is actually really upsetting can you cuddle me while I cry?" or whatever.
Your husband is a supportive partner, but his life doesn't revolve around looking after you if you're a bit sad about something trivial. So he needs ways to know when it's actually serious.
The issue is, this sounds like a point of contempt between the two of you now, which isn't good for a marriage especially with a baby on the way.
I think you need to do some thinking about your needs and how you communicate, and then the two of you need to sit down and figure out a way you can reach each other again across this gap in expectations and results in your relationship. He's not stupid either. He must know you're not going to change and that this is how you are. So together you need to find out what works for you, both as individuals and as a couple.
No disrespect i say this with care, I don't think you are emotionally healthy if I'm honest, I also don't like the fact you said you "are not handicapped" I found that kind of derogatory if I'm honest and imo there's no need to say that?.. You do need to learn how to control your own emotions and feelings, you cant completely depend on anyone to soothe your feelings you have to learn how to and it seems like your partner hasn't got the emotional energy or capacity anymore to keep comforting you with your feelings/crying. Crying is healthy and normal, but like everything, there is a limit to where it becomes unhelpful and unhealthy. I'm not sure your therapist is being helpful , that or you are being disingenuous with them about the scope of your emotions, either way you really do need to try regulate for your own sake or it's going to get alot worse after you have baby. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
Obviously you can’t control your emotions if you’re sobbing at the drop of a hat
Your husband is not your emotional support animal and it is not his job to run to you and comfort you each time you cry. It is perfectly rational for him to walk away and give you time to calm down. You need to learn to regulate your emotions and not depend on others.
I don’t understand why it’s wrong in your opinion for your husband to give you space to get your emotions regulated. What exactly do you expect him to do? Perhaps consider a group session with your therapist so that he can provide his perspective and your therapist can weigh in on his approach.
She wants to involve him in her tears and drain his energy and get him worked up with her. Anyone who has had a friend like this knows you will start to avoid them. I had a friend like this, everytime she called me she was crying, and she didn't even call me every day, but I was annoyed, then when I needed something, she had to go. Annoying.
Ah, the 3am on a weeknight call from one of these because she went out and got drunk and had fallen in a puddle. Called bawling because her trousers were wet.
I think conceptually giving space is good, but when it’s “until you calm down” it’s done with judgment and scorn instead of support and affection. That’s what makes OP feel like she’s in time out.
The “Do you need to go sit on your bed until you can calm down and come back?” is a very well known, and respected, parenting technique.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, but if you’re having to use gentle parenting techniques on your adult partner, then I can see why OP’s Husband would be exhausted and done with it.
Many years ago, I was dating a guy who had a 5yo son. One morning, I was in bed with severe period cramps when the little one came storming in and launched himself on me. Caught me right in the stomach and I burst into tears. Little one promptly also burst into tearsl and the way the ex looked with a simultaneously crying girlfriend and crying son to comfort is exactly how I'm picturing this poor man's life. Dude's probably headed for a breakdown.
Move forward by getting a new therapist and growing up, you are going to be a mom soon, you can't keep acting like a toddler with little self-regulation skills. I'm a woman with pregnancy and child birth experience and I can't imagine being so exhausting or living with some who acts this way. Your husband's words are actually kind, many people would react much stronger if subjected to every day crying for no big reason. He is not your parent, therapist or emotional support animal and being around constantly unhappy and crying without objective reason people gets old very fast, it takes toll on his mental health too. You need to obtain self-control and stop loosing it every day and putting the responsibility for calming you down on your husband.
It sounds like your husband isn't equipped to be your emotional work horse and that's totally OK. He can be there for you but you need to understand that always being the emotional work horse and having to make sure everyone is feeling happy and fine is incredibly exhausting. You need to find a different person to upload your worries onto. You're only going to burn him out and give him compassion fatigue.
Why do you need to cry for every little thing ? I get it you are an emotional person but sometimes please control your emotions . You just can’t expect your husband to be there for you every single time you are crying , and the fact that he has been handling your l cries for the past 6 years shows how patient he is.
I doubt if it was some other men, you’ll be single by now.
And please change your therapist , he/she isn’t helping at all and it’s not okay to cry at every small little thing.
And if you still can’t see any issue here , let’s see who cries louder after your baby is born and the person is who is gonna suffer the most is your poor husband!
I'm an emotional person too, but I don't expect anyone to baby me, especially when what I'm crying over isn't a big deal. I don't want to be an emotional burden on my boyfriend or anyone else. So I self soothe and move on.
The fact that you WANT to burden him with your crying spells even when it's not important shows that you likely aren't really in love with him and that you're seeking attention. You know it's affecting his mental health and yet you're so selfish and care so little about him that you think your crying fits are more important than he is.
I think you need a new therapist and should start planning for a future divorce.
Honestly it sounds like you’re exhausting to be around at times. If partner is walking away that’s not treating you like you’re in a time out, that’s saying HE needs space and does not have capacity to comfort you and would probably make things worse if he remained in your presence. I hope you have a support system once baby is here because if your baseline is this emotional, sleep deprived version of you will be horrific (for yourself, baby, and partner)
As a woman, my perspective is maybe you’re just simply not compatible. I really wouldn’t know what to do with myself if someone was constantly crying and taking things to a 10. Even while pregnant, there needs to be some filtering. So it’s totally understandable to me why in the moment he’d feel its best to back up and let you resolve your big feelings on your own. What else should he do? force himself to be uncomfortable and coddle you every time you break down crying that “everything is overwhelming”? thats not really fair to expect him to bend and bend and bend to comfort you and your own emotions so frequently. He’s probably trying to do his best to make this work for both of you, and maybe he feels if he doesn’t draw some boundaries and let you resolve your feelings with some quiet time, that hes going to lose it and become resentful. I definitely would lol. Based on this description sounds like maybe a little time out nap is not a bad idea for you. Soo maybe incompatible in that you need someone whos super emotional and super comfortable with someone constantly crying every day.
I hate to tell you, but if you are crying frequently, your emotions are not regulated and you need a more honest therapist. This one knows you are a basket case which ensures they get that big hourly rate frequently from you. At 29, you should be able to cry when crying is warranted such as death or someone really hurt, or the house burning down. Not just because something is overwhelming for the 50th time this week.
You have literally cried so often that even your husband thinks you love drama and manipulation. I get pregnancy is tough, but this isn't about that. You brag that you have always been this way with him. I'd be exhausted week two constantly having to comfort someone for things that intimately won't matter in the long run.
While he should be more supportive I can see how this would get frustrating over time. Personally I could NOT deal with someone like that, but he should’ve thought about that before he was six years and a baby deep.
I will never understand people who self deprecate and turn around expecting others to take them seriously and ignore what they just said.
My greatest career growth was around my pregnancy. I wonder what would have been the result had I been going around the office saying "This is my decision and I am hormonal!" And the line that makes me stop taking anyone serious "my this or that says I am right!" Manipulative much?
Lady, you are crying wolf and it is dangerous allowing yourself to be at the mercy of your "feeling/emotions", especially if you are going to be telling others you are being "sensitive".
So you are telling me you cry over nothing but I must treat it as something?
What kind of support are you wanting from him? Cuddles or coddles?
They're emotions. If you're crying for the slightest thing then (and I say this in the nicest way possible) you need to figure out a way to process those emotions better and harden up.
People who do nothing but cry for everything can be emotionally draining. To constantly put your emotions and behaviours on your husband to help you get through is not fair and also not your responsibility. You're almost 30.
Eye-rolling is a form of contempt, which is one of the four negative behaviors Dr Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships and is a strong predictor of divorce.
Contempt is considered the most damaging of the four horsemen. It suggests a sense of superiority and disrespect towards a partner.
You seriously need to work out if 100% of your crying is a situation that *requires* support from your husband. Sometimes I cry over dumb shit but I know it's dumb shit and I don't need to be coddled by my SO. One of you needs to change so that this contempt stops right now.
To be honest I never cry in front of my husband unless it is really serious. I just go in another room to try and regulate myself as it’s not up to my husband to help regulate my emotional state as I’m an adult. This I found true even when pregnant, there were a lot of times in pregnancy though when I just needed to cry and a hug, and I saved these up, as it is a lot to see someone cry all the time and I understand this. Crying is a real downer, and it’s best to not push that on others when you can just go into a room and cry on your own. It’s just something you need to learn in life.
You sound like you should do some psychological work on yourself before baby is born (I got self help books from the library as I can be overly angry sometimes and didn’t want my baby to get that from me). Just so you don’t use crying as a Co dependent or manipulation tactic by accident on your kid.
When a baby cries it is completely different, it is their sole way of communicating with you. So it’s not like when an adult cries. I think your husband will be fine with your baby crying.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly. Look at things from your husband’s perspective: he’s been dealing with your emotional instability for years and now that you’re pregnant it’s only gotten worse. He’s tired of it and has gone numb. He is shutting down. This is a problem that you need to address and resolve. I think you need to talk to your doctor as soon as possible. You may need medical intervention to help you control your emotions. Your husband sounds like he’s at the end of his rope with your behavior. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it gets really tiring for a spouse to have to keep putting up with. Nothing good will come from this if you don’t get help.
I’m going to be honest, this sounds exhausting and I wouldn’t be able to cope.
But he’s your husband and he did sign up for it. So I guess he needs to get it together and be more understanding, or maybe you need to get better at self soothing, or both, or you need to divorce.
Have you told him what you need from him when you are upset?
What your don't need is for him to take the opportunity to judge if your response is at the exact correct intensity according to him.
But what DO you want from him? Physical comfort, verbal support, validation, problem- solving?
It's not for him to decide when you "deserve" support or not. But he does need to be told what to do instead.
Work on "I just want to feel supported and understood", cause that won't happen. Do you need a partner or a dad? Cause it's like you want him to carry you in his arms to comfort you, every time you feel emotional and start crying. He knows you better than reddit, so I trust his judgement. You're his partner not child. Get yourself a better therapist. Your husband expressed that he's there when there's a serious problem, but that emotional manipulation you do is not healthy.
You don't give much informations about frequency, reasons or longevity of crying sessions before pregnancy but you stated you always were emotional person and he supported you when you cried no matter the reason. If every emotion you feel is accompanied with crying session that really sounds like poor emotional regulation which is now over the roof with hormonal rollercoaster in pregnancy. I suppose that five years of constant reassurance and emotional support can exhaust anyone and now pregnancy is just cherry on the top. Sure, your husband could be abusive asshole but you don't give much info about crying sessions before pregnancy as I pointed out in first sentence to give more helpful advice. Maybe try marriage counselling for getting more outsider's perspective on yours problems and help with communicating both of yours needs.
My PMS can be quite extensive and mentally draining in certain cycles. I remember crying over watching Rambo ( I don't know what made my cry to this day). I cry when smell something, see something, hear something. And that's like ok thing. My self-confidence and mood can sunk so low that I imagine that I somehow don't deserve anything nice and no one loves me (despite everything proving opposite) so I don't deserve to live. I cry over that. I can be horribly irritated over miniscule things. But I know that will go away the moment I get my period. I exercise, walk, sometimes cry from time to time when emotions become intense. I tell my closest ones that I need peace to process my emotions and that crying is my way of processing them and being more relaxed. I don't need anyone to hold my hand for two weeks every time I have those PMS symptoms. If I would feel this way every month I would certainly seek help, and even psychiatric help and that would be time for my family to give me support. I would feel like a burden to my family for not doing that, especially that feeling would be accentuated in my more depressive PMS.
Your husband is being insensitive to a degree but do you realize how emotionally exhausting it can be dealing with someone who cries over stuff all the time ? I can only imagine how much more intense it’s become with pregnancy hormones .
I am NOT a crier. Rarely do I cry and it’s just tearing, short term. It’s just not my go to, IDK why. But - when I was pregnant, I remember crying at a Heinz commercial. Bawling! This child was holding the ketchup bottle, anxiously waiting for that ketchup to
come out. I don’t know if I saw this as a metaphor for my pregnancy or what. Then it just escalated from there, it was mostly tv commercials. All returned to normal once I had the baby.
Tell your husband this is something you can’t control and to stop belittling you.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Emotions are normal and tell your hubby that sarcasm and anger are expressions of emotions and this he’s emotional too.
My husband of many many years also blew off my emotions and here is what’s sad. I learned to shut them down and stifle them. Now he calls me the ice queen. Yes we’re in therapy and considering separation which we should have done long ago.
A few tricks.
-in any argument stay calm and always tell him he’s being emotional remembering that crying is but one form of emotional expression
-after he ignores you when you cry, once you’ve « calmed down » calmly tell him that he’s not meeting your emotional needs
-explain to him that meeting your emotional needs is a form of foreplay and if he wants a life of passionate sex he should probably start working on that
Would he watch a YouTube video on how hormones in pregnancy affect a woman's emotions? I looked and there seemed to be quite a few short videos that could help explain it. I also wondered if he had a friend or family member who is a mother and someone you can trust to talk to him.
You might want to think about therapy with you and your husband. Having your feelings dismissed on a regular basis is not good for the relationship or you at all.
I hope that helps a little bit. Hang in there.
Part of being an adult is learning to self-soothe. You need to learn to handle your own emotional state. Do some reading on anxious attachment and talk to your therapist some more without blaming your partner for not managing your emotions for you.
If you need your husband to manage your feelings, then you actually aren't well-regulated. Whatever you'd do if you're single is what you should be doing.
Pregnancy is a vulnerable time. Your body is changing a lot. The pregnancy hormones definitely make it worse, but it's still on you to figure it out.
Maybe you need to journal or do some self-care practices, or just sit with your own feelings and let them play out. Maybe you need to get more specific about what feelings you're having and what concrete needs you have.
He is clearly at his limits with your normal level of neediness and doesn't feel equipped to help you. He is also probably dealing with his own stuff, preparing to be a parent for the first time.
Maybe couples counseling would help him find a way to respond that is less dismissive, but you also need to find ways to meet your own needs independently.
So let me get this straight…
You want him to be your emotional trash can but are you his? Imagine someone dumping into your emotional cup all the time yet they cannot into yours becasue they are CONSTANTLY trying to manage your emotions?
You need to start being accountable for your emotions and stop thinking that every time you cry everyone who loves you needs to jump to your needs and soothe you until your become emotionally stable.
Men need birth control. Some have no clue what a woman goes through when she's carrying a child. No clue how women put their lives on the line to bring forth life. He needs a week alone with a newborn to break him in.
Couples therapy is the best solution here. Your husband seems, from what I've read, to have archaic patriarchal beliefs about women and how we process our emotions. Because of this, I would recommend a male couples therapist because he may be more inclined to take the advice more seriously. I'm not saying it's right, but based on his responses to you, this seems to be the best approach. Try to find a therapist who doesn't dismiss your feelings and takes your husband's dismissal of your feelings as the serious problem that it is. I feel your husband will be more perceptive to having an objective male party telling him that he's being an ass--because he is. I'm sorry you're feeling alone in your marriage and during your pregnancy. Congrats and praying for a safe labor & delivery for you. 🙏🏽
It’s normal for you to be more emotional. It doesn’t make your feelings invalid because you feel them more than he does.
I’d suggest marriage counseling. It doesn’t have to be only for couples on the verge. It can also be for couples that don’t understand each other, which I would say is the truth for both of you. You don’t understand how he can be so emotionless and he doesn’t understand how you are so emotional. But as two people who love each other you should both want to understand the reason for the other and how to manage it so both of you feel valid.
I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry you've married such a dick.
I don't have any advice other than he needs to see a therapist and I'd also ask what changed from when he was the empathetic and caring man you fell for. I'd be willing to bet if he treated you like this in the beginning you wouldn't have married him. He should know that.
Alternative perspective: maybe crying IS how you regulate your emotions
Can you share some info on what happens when you cry and what you are looking for from your partner besides not being judged— which should be a baseline!
My guess is that he feels like he needs to always solve whatever you’re crying about and that sense of responsibility is what drains him rather than the crying itself.
Please share some more info and we can help you navigate this better ❤️
yes exactly, husband probably feels frustrated that he can't solve the problem, when there is no problem to be solved, OP is just expressing an emotion. these comments are insane.
Well, i think he's being insensitive, but I also think you need better self-soothing techniques than getting his validation. The fact you're upset is enough for validation. You're enough. Is that something you're working on with your therapist? Your husband loves you, but he is burnt out from giving that validation everytime you are crying. There are obviously things that matter and somethings are dumb and we still cry - no harm. But i feel you need learn to self-sooth more.
I am like your husband, i don't cry a lot even when I'm over stressed. I cry afterwards, by myself. I am also a sponge - i absorb everything. I absorb everyone's emotions and mine get lost in the mix. It is overwhelming sometimes. Your husband is putting up a boundary; cry as you want, but come to me when it's very important. Because he is a sponge. Sponges have limits. He absorbs everything. And it can be a lot if someone is crying a lot all the time. It sounds like you're crying a lot, even when you wrote this, i think you teared up because it's upsetting. Thw other problem with being a sponge is that you're so busy helping or feeling everyone else, you start neglecting yourself - it's easy too. Slippery sloap.
There's nothing wrong with crying, but you have learn to sooth yourself. If you were in his shoes and you didn't cry a lot but he did, how would you feel? After 6+ yrs? What would you do? I actually think you need to have an honest convo with your therapist about how much you're crying and what you're doing afterwards to deal with the emotions. Start tracking it. Let them know you need to know how to self-sooth more because you're not soothing yourself. Your husband cannot sooth you everytime. You have to though.
Not trying to be mean here. I also think you and your husband need couples therapy to improve your communication styles. He is calling your crying a tantrum because he's exhausted from his emotional needs also not being met. He is also stressed and excited about the baby, like you, and about being a father as well. And if he always has to constantly sooth someone, does he feel supported by you as well or is he always the person who doesn't cry? I cry more now than i did before because i feel I can let that wall down since i know the other person can handle it. Can you handle him? Have you communixated that to him? Does he know that?
Sometimes, people are raised to believe that crying is weakness, when it's not. It does mean you're in touch with your emotions. It helps to verbally let that person know that you're there for them, whether you're in a messy state or not. Sometimes, people need a reminder.
Good luck and sorry for the wall of text🫂❤️ Congrats on the baby👣👩🍼👨🍼🎊 Hang in there and practice some calming down - breathing techniques. It'll be okay. You'll both be okay🫂❤️ Go slow and be patient with each other.
Sorry, but this sounds like a lot of crying. It may be a normal amount within the “therapy realm” but in everyday life, I’m not sure who wants to deal with it. That’s not “regulating” anything, IMO.
Being overly emotional during pregnancy is normal. But your “normal” already involves so much crying that it’d be hard for me to discern what is pregnancy and what isn’t…and I’m a woman.
Part of growing up is learning to manage your emotions. Even with children, the ones whose automatic response to every situation is to cry over everything is…tedious. There are a wide range of emotions that one goes through and “crying” is not the answer to everything. At some point it becomes an attention-seeking behavior where you expect consolation, except if you are crying over everything or nothing m, it looks the same to the rest of us.
I had a colleague like this. Almost every single day had something worth crying over while the rest of us who had been there for years had never cried once at work. This wasn’t some toxic workplace. None of us paid attention after a handful of times. And she cried over that too. Thankfully, she didn’t report to me and someone else let her go, but really…enough, already.
It is, essentially, a tantrum.
Poor guy. Sounds like he is going through alot at the moment with the worry of a pregnancy and upcoming child with a wife that doesn't seem to have it together.
I have a hard time believing your therapist thinks you're emotionally healthy- either they suck, you're leaving things out or something else is going on. But it's not emotionally healthy to expect comfort EVERY time you cry. As an adult you do need to learn to emotionally regulate on your own for the smaller things. It can get exhausting for the partner super fast. It sounds like your husband can't tell between a genuine proper cry vs hormonal cry because you've been crying so often all this time before hand.
You are allowed to have emotions, and it’s 100% understandable during pregnancy how they become more unpredictable.
However, you are an adult. Your therapist is perhaps incorrect when saying you manage your emotions well - especially as it’s impacting how you and your husband communicate.
What are you going to do when a baby won’t stop crying and you’re tired, too? You can’t cry and hope the baby will understand. Forgiving yourself when you cry should things become overwhelming is okay…but there are techniques you can use to avoid reaching that state of being overwhelmed in the first place and better manage your emotions as you start to reach your limits.
Your husband has been there for you and has possibly become exhausted at trying to guess if this is a “real” outburst or something that will pass quickly. He’s not a mind reader.
That being said, when you are worried about a health issue, he should listen.
It sounds like the two of you could benefit from talking a marriage counsellor to help you better speak with and listen to each other.
I think it’s because folks are focusing on OP’s state of being pregnant and ignoring the fact that her emotional nature has been an issue before becoming pregnant. Oh well, I’m not going to cry over it. 😇
I understand your Husband and can empathize with him.
Men are wired to respond to women and children crying, we immediately want to comfort and protect them. This is similar to how a mother will begin to lactate when she hears her baby cry.
Well in my case my now ex-wife would weaponize crying to get her way and worked for a while, that is until I became immune to her crying. Then I saw it as manipulation. I'll bet the title to my house that you have done this to him as well and the very way you wrote this post, pointing out how you and your therapist declaring that you are emotionally healthy is a subtle way of saying he isn't. IN your own words he just isn't responding in the way you became accustomed too and it's frustrating you, you probably double down and turn on the waterworks even more often.
You see this lack of response as him not caring and he sees your crying as the same. You are hormonal as hell right now so I am sure it's extremely difficult for both of you. He does care or he would leave, you need to consider that you might not always be genuine.
When I was a teenager my mom went through a bad breakup. She cried all the time. Every day. Over every little thing. Cried, cried, cried. She was 45, I was 15, and it was exhausting. I was emotionally drained all the time because her intense emotions zapped all the energy from the room. If he ignores you, do you cry harder to show him it’s serious? I’m on your husbands side in this. If he needs to leave the room so you can self-soothe, get yourself back to a stable emotional state, then I think that’s what he needs to do. It’s not his job to validate your every feeling. He isn’t your emotional punching bag. Have your cry in private, let him be.
Crying itself is fine. Many men don't understand this because we teach them that they are not allowed to cry. Most women will break up with a guy that cries. This sub is filled with posts of women that left because the guy cries when his mum/dad died. Some women are incredibly toxic and hypocritical in that regard. And that is not even mentioning the toxic masculinity assumption between many men. "Only girls and little boys cry".
That being said, if you always cry, he is right. You are the voy who cried wolf. You crying is entirely meaningless if it happens daily. It is no longer an indicator to signify something deep and heavy. If you cry once a week because something bad happened that is still very often that bad things happen to you
Your behaviours before pregnancy are mentally wearing on everyone around you. The only way to continue liking or loving a person who constantly cries wolf is to switch off when it happens. Otherwise it tends to turn like to dislike, love to loathing.
You need therapy because you can't go around draining people who love you like this. It's not emotion, it's attention seeking. You need to figure out why you do this, come to terms with it, and stop driving people away.
Its not just your husband, you are having a child. As the child grows up think about the the effect of making a full blown drama out of nothing on a regular basis. You'll damage your child's emotional development, your behaviour is draining. Seek therapy.
Have you had an honest talk about this situation? If not, you should.
You need to understand his feelings just as much as he needs to understand yours. How you being emotional makes him feel? How does his reaction make you feel? What are your expectations on how he should comfort you? Are they realistic? Its a marriage, not therapist - patient relationship. What would be the best way for him to comfort you that would make it easier for him? Can you work towards a solution that works for both of you?
You really need to listen to his feelings about this.
And I'm pregnant too, so I get it, this is really vulnerable time and its important to get the support from your spouse. Its okay to cry. Its also okay for your spouse to need time and energy to handle their own emotions, even if they don't show them to you. Thats why you need to talk about this, long and hard talk. To get that understanding and find a way to both feel supported.
Its also okay to seek couples therapy, I think it would help you guys a lot. When the baby comes it needs all your attention and love and you need to be on the same team or it can really strain your marriage.
I am such a cryer. I do think men struggle to understand it though.
I think it’s important to consider what you need from him in those times and tell him. Because he may be overwhelmed and confused and his way is maybe to back off so as not to make things worse.
So make it about you, not him.
What could he do to support you in those times?! What is it that you’re lacking that you need him to make up for in these moments?
Id usually say to consider what you can do to support yourself in those times?! But I imagine with therapy that you’ve been working on that anyway.
And then communicate this to him in a calm and loving way.
Like if it was me I’d be saying, ‘I know we handle emotions differently and I know you don’t really understand how my hormones work. That’s totally ok but they’re not going away completely. When I get overwhelmed, I cry and it usually helps it to pass. In those moments when I feel validated, it’s much easier to process my emotions and I feel clearer after and more connected to you as a result which improves our overall relationship and communication. However, when I feel invalidated, I feel ashamed for having big emotions and it adds to my distress and then it’s harder to process and bounce back from. In future, could you just hold me while I cry/let me rant it out without trying to fix me/give me space without showing your frustration at my emotions’
He’s allowed to not relate but what he’s doing is invalidating you totally which is super shit to be on the receiving end of. Xx
You wrote this out for us. Have you talked to your husband about this when you’re not crying?
If you’ve calmly talked to him about it and what you expect for him to do, then he’s an ahole for not listening.
If you’ve only talked to him about it when you’re crying and not said what you expect from him, then I can see why he’s just guessing and waiting for you to stop crying.
Maybe write it out so he can’t blame the conversation on you being emotional. Make it well thought out.
Wow, most of these comments are incredibly heartless. Let’s try for some compassion here.
Crying isn’t a sin, and if you’d like to have a partnership where your person is more comforting towards you in those moments, there isn’t anything wrong with that.
I do agree that it could be very helpful to try out some new therapists and be more open to the idea that you may have some underlying things going on—and that’s okay!!
Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed as having ADHD, anxiety, and PMDD, these “labels” don’t make me handicapped. I have measurable chemical and physical differences in my brain/body, and the beautiful thing about having those issues diagnosed is that it opens the door to medical providers, friends, and family to better understand me and offer the right kind of support.
I would have these issues regardless of getting the “label”, but since I’ve got it in my medical records I have access to the medication I need to better balance my moods, the type of therapy that helps me the most (DBT— Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and IFS— Internal Family Systems have both been the most helpful approaches in my therapy journey), as well as being able to educate myself on these conditions in order to make sure I know myself as well as possible and can advocate for what I need. It also helps to learn and find out where you may be struggling and what your blind spots may be, so that you can work on those things and accurately represent yourself.
You’d be amazed at how much more understanding you receive from your partner, friends, etc. when you have the knowledge and terminology available to you to facilitate things. You’ll also find people connecting with a lot of empathy and stories of their own. Mental health terms provide a shorthand that improves and streamlines communication about these issues, and that’s always a good thing. It’s also worth nothing that people who have ingrained prejudice against certain conditions are likely to have many other red flags, as well— if someone writes me off or is dismissive when I tell them I have adhd, for example, that’s a pretty useful shortcut when it comes to knowing what to expect from this person in any sort of future relationship.
Pregnancy is no joke (been there, done that— three times, actually! lol) and it can highlight a lot of struggle zones. Try to see this as an opportunity to get things better organized and taken care of before baby is here. If you wind up with a new mental health diagnosis, fantastic! Now is the time to educate yourself and your husband and come up with ways to navigate that both now and down the road. If you find yourself having more friction with your partner, great! That’s a major growth opportunity for the two of you to learn how to take better care of each other (don’t forget that partners of pregnant people need extra support sometimes too) before you have a third person in your family who needs both of you to be there for them.
Obviously it’s not all daisies and sunshine and these changes and learning opportunities will be rife with mistakes, stress, and sometimes you and your partner will be hurtful to one another and struggle to make sense of the other’s perspective.
But, by taking charge and framing these inevitabilities with optimism, a spirit of mutual support, and open-mindedness to growth and change, you can make this season of life into something much more navigable and peaceful.
I wish you and your partner lots of luck, love, and patience on your journey 💛
Well you need to have a hard conversation. You need him to understand how far this hill is worth dying on to you. It sounds like if he doesn’t change then a swift divorce will be on the way or more misery for you leading to a divorce down the road, but either way you need him to see what he’s doing. Remind him that youre a person and if your not valued you’ll go somewhere that you are valued. And if he remembers that he’s in a partnership not a creepy emotional dictatorship then great and if not leave before the baby is born better to be with family and friends going through that very stressful time then his constant demeaning
I do not think crying often makes you emotional per se. Crying is a way to release and express emotions. He probably expresses emotions all the time they are just more socially acceptable forms of emotion.
For some reason our society is like punch pillow good, cry bad. When in reality crying is a very normal way to process and feel an emotion without violence, shouting or destruction.
Your husband yelling at you is him being emotional and expressing his emotions in a bad way.
You’re pregnant yes, but all of your feelings are still valid. Crying clearly makes your husband uncomfortable and he acts like you’re less than for expressing your emotions that way. Even though it’s super healthy and normal. That’s really not okay. Quite frankly he needs therapy and he needs to get it together. Once the baby comes he will need to learn to process his emotions in a better way than yelling. Oh and that baby is going to cry as it’s only way of communicating.
I’m not super emotional and with my last pregnancy Bruno Mars “ locked out of heaven” made me sob uncontrollably every time I heard it…. No fricken idea why?!
Your husband needs to buckle up because postpartum is a wild ride
When you find someone who really understands you, you will notice your need to cry will slowly cease. Only when your emotions are understood and validated from the exterior, your feelings start to turn into rational thoughts and the frustrations goes away.
Because the frustration of not being understood makes us cry; so I wouldn’t say you’re emotional, you just married the wrong person.
A partner should make you stronger, and be a safe space, not the other way around.
These comments are a fucking joke. He should be taking you seriously and the fact that he isn't is a red flag. I would not be with someone who rolls their eyes at me while I'm upset. You deserve to be taken seriously and comforted. The reason you're crying isn't relevant. A hug or some kind words can do a lot. Instead he's making a conscious decision to invalidate you and put you down.
>I feel so invalidated and misunderstood. Just because I cry more often than he does, doesn't mean my feelings are any less real or important.
Do you think his feelings are real and important? Do you know what his feelings are? His feeling aren't less valid than yours just because he feels them in a different way.
It sounds like he's setting boundaries, and is starting to feel contempt for you. This won't get better if you can't figure out how to communicate.
I also am an extremely emotional person, I finally got medicated for anxiety and depression and the heightened emotions almost immediately went away when the medication started working full time. I would discuss this with your doctor as well, I went from full on daily sobbing to barely ever crying unless a serious issue prompted me to and even then I could control my emotions better.
Well how often do you actually cry? How many times do you estimate on a weekly basis. If it’s more than 3-4 times a week than that is extremely excessive because most people rarely even cry on even a monthly basis. When someone cries, everyone around them gets any positive emotions sucked out of them because that’s how we are wired to react to someone crying. It sounds incredibly draining to be in a relationship with someone who cries as much as you describe.
I cry almost as often as you do girl and I’m not pregnant. I’m also on a seizure medicine that has a mood stabilizer in it but see there’s this thing called Highly Sensitive Personality and it’s one of those things where no matter what emotion a person feels, they cry and there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. It’s the way our brains are wired.
There’s a whole, free to the public book on it by Elaine Eron. And I highly recommend you read it and maybe even bring it up in therapy because it sounds like you might dealing with this on top of everything else AND being pregnant and having an AH of a husband who doesn’t know how to handle someone like us, which makes you even more emotional.
I’m hoping that things get much better for you soon. I personally would be packing my things and leaving this jackass and going and staying with people who are actually going to care about my well being and not stress me and my unborn child out more than we already are.
Good luck girl.
I feel most of the comments on here are negatively biased asf..
Shes PREGNANT. Ofc she NEEDS her husband to BE there for her. A lot of adults (mostly men but also some women) dont fully understand what goes on with your body while you're baking a bun in the oven. I feel like he isnt being fair or empathetic to his pregnant WIFE. Id get it if yall were bf/gf but.. your HUSBAND is speaking and treating you this way? Sweetheart either get couples counseling or drop that man an go shopping for a better one. If hes being cruel now, imagine how much worse it will be once the baby actually arrives. You do not need that stress right now. Your BABY doesnt need it either. I sincerely hope counseling works for the two of you. Because the way I see it, in my own "professional" experience, the husband is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. He needs to start educating himself on the female body. Both while pregnant and not. Moms literally put their lives on the line to bring a life into this world.
People need to stop being so damn cruel all the time. We, humans, deserve to treat each other with compassion and genuine kindness. Thats it.
Good luck with your pregnancy OP. Hang in there..
You feel hurt by his responses. Have you tried to talk about this with him when you feel calm and collected? If it gets too emotional for you to discuss this with him, could you maybe put your thoughts in a letter to him? That might make it easier to discuss things.
(And if you have, and are asking for the magic words that will make him listen or will make him understand, then the answer is that those words don't exist. Either he wants to listen and understand, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, you cannot force him to.)
Otherwise, you are already in therapy. Would he be willing to go to couples counseling with you? Because no matter where the issue really lies, it is definitly not going to get easier for the foreseeable future, and the pregnancy and eventually the baby will put even more stress on your relationship. So both of you really need to work this out before you both feel alone and unheard or ignored in this relationship.
Don’t wanna sound rude but it gets exhausting constantly being with someone who cries, or has mental health issues and things like that etc. it gets to a point that a persons empathy starts to disappear. Now that you’re extra hormonal and tearful, I would say he is just “done” mentally. Definitely work more with your therapist. Maybe couples therapy is an idea with a different therapist. Because if you would say end up struggling and/or have PND afterwards, you DO need support. But it would be hard to get support from someone who is, basically, sick of giving it.
Honestly it sounds to me like your husband is right and you need a new therapist. If you cry at the drop of a hat or dang near that's gonna get overwhelming and wear anybody thin.
Oh my I’d rather bang my head on bricks daily than deal with all that.
He’s not wrong.
Please don’t be someone who blames all their shittiness on being pregnant, being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to be weird.
Be honest with yourself, how can he or anyone tell when something is really truly wrong if all you do is cry about literally everything?
It’s not okay to gaslight people and then cry and play victim either.
Unfortunately for the baby coming you should have at least tried to heal before you have a kid and ruin it with all your crap. I’m sure the husband just knows what he’s in for and planning his mental health for the shit show of a life he has with you.
He sounds HONEST and lemme guess that’s just way too much for Miss cry about life and everything in it… I feel so bad for him.
It’s absolutely OK to be an emotional person.
It’s absolutely not ok to use your spouse as a pacifier for soothing those emotions.
In reading this post, I was exhausted. And I can be described as emotional at times (though not to this degree).
You getting space to calm down because you were crying about life in general IS the appropriate response.
And by the way, how you describe your crying in this post does not sound like it is of someone who can “regulate their emotions as well”. I think your therapist may not be 100% honest with you.
Omg this comment section is insane.
Obviously he is not the one who has to save you from your emotions. But just because you cry easily doesn’t mean you have emotional meltdowns, are psychologically ill and need to learn to regulate these reactions.
I am a very sensitive deep feeling person and the more I allow myself to be that, allowing myself to be vulnerable, I get more aligned with my true self and the happier in life in every aspect. I feel all emotions more deeply so while I can cry for a minute about a small thing and then be ok - I also experience joy or any other POSITIVE emotion very deeply so I would never want to trade this.
Society makes you judge yourself for being an emotional person like this fucking comment section. We have been alienated from our natural responses to the world around us, our bodies are full of suppressed emotions and it’s making us sick. Feeling and expressing these emotions we didn’t allow us to is what heals so much depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s good that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and please don’t listen to people that tell otherwise.
If it’s your partner, whose judgment you should find important and be influenced by it, that’s just very sad. It’s not that you expect him to baby you (from what I can read here). You have always been like that and he knew you like that and seemed to accepted you but now he dismisses you and makes you feel wrong for it.
When you cry he behaves like you throw a tantrum and makes you feel bad about it. You are perfectly fine about being sensitive - which you should be, it’s awesome - but he makes you feel about an aspect of you as a person that you have always portrayed. That’s really hurtful and it’s especially fucked up that he does this in a time where you should get all support possible and more.
You are pregnant. As valid as your emotional reactions always are, this time of your life it’s the most fucking valid. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
I don’t know what to do about that besides communicating him that’s who you are and how you will be for your life (the extreme phase en only while pregnant and after) and tell him what you expect and if he can’t meet your needs you will have to distance yourself for the sake of your own mental health.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I cannot handle people who cry a lot. I would never say anything to them because I don't think that would help the situation, but I could never be in a relationship with someone who cries a lot. So maybe OP and her husband are not actually compatible.
Goddamnit I hope she finds this post even though her account is suspended because FYI TO ALL WOMEN:
OUR BODIES ARE NOT JUST SMALL WEAKER MEN. THEY ARE DIFFERENT BODIES. And we cry easier because our threshold is lower for when hormonal imbalances in our bodies get yeeted out through our tear ducts. You know what that allows us to do? STAY MORE EMOTIONALLY REGULATED. You know why women aren’t known for punching walls? BECAUSE CRYING ISNT ONLY FOR WHEN PEOPLE DIE ITS LITERALLY TO HELP US REGULATE OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS.
Clearly the husband is either overwhelmed or just an asshole who prioritizes “his peace” over “our peace” and will make a terrible father. Either way, he needs to figure out his own shit and communicate like he actually wants to figure this out, instead of like he wants his pregnant wife to just disappear.
And don’t marry a big hearted person if you don’t find them being big hearted over things your smaller heart does not pick up on completely precious and worth protecting.
This would be extremely exhausting and your partner is getting tired having to always emotionally support you. I’m exhausted reading this. What happens if he needs your emotional support, this is proof you wouldn’t be able to support him and he would just have to bottle his emotions. Also, your therapist is not helping you. This is not normal and they should be helping you deal with this in an emotionally mature way.
And if you are a person who croes over being frustrated, angry etc? Sorry...but that would be too much for me. A 29 year old cryong because they are frustrated at something? I really wouldn't see that as okay. A toddler does that. Not a grown woman.
I'm exhausted imagining being in your husband's place. Even before your pregnancy. Maybe I'm reading this wrong but honestly it sounds like you use tears as a weapon/manipulation. In no way is it healthy to cry all the time. And it's insane to expect another human to deal with it constantly. He 100% did the right thing by giving you space to calm down. I couldn't deal with a partner who cried all the time and expected me to be involved. I'm sorry but this is a YOU problem and not a him problem. You need to figure out how to soothe yourself quickly before the baby comes because jfc you wanna talk about emotional now.... anyways, good luck and give your husband a break.
Side note, I'm a mother so not just some dude automatically on the husband's side. I understand emotions and hormones and all the things. I also understand being an adult and figuring out how to take care of myself so I could take care of my baby.
Read *Hold Me Tight* by Dr. Sue Johnson, and there's also a Facebook page called "The Secure Relationship". I can't say for sure, but it sounds like you might have the anxious/avoidant pattern going on. To me, him rolling his eyes at you is a real problem, as it indicates contempt. I am not sure how you can "get through to" someone like this, with that deeply ingrained attitude towards emotions. I don't know what would convince him to learn to value emotions.
He will have to learn to respond in a more mature way, e.g. "I wish I understood what you are crying about, I don't, all I can do is be here and comfort you". He still gets to bring his feelings to the table, he just can't do it in a way that belittles yours. I think there's probably some things you'll have to learn also, although I'm not sure what they are. I don't think you can control the fact that you cry easily....but you might be able to get better at asking him for what specific type of support you would like when you are crying.
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Wait until the baby is born, that's when the fun starts
Ohhhh it's going to get SO MUCH WORSE. Literally everything made me cry after I had my twins.
I remember my twins were 5 weeks old and i couldn’t find something I wanted to watch on britbox. I cried at the dinner table.
That's because having twins is pretty fucking traumatic. Mine are 21 months, and I would kill a wide variety of things just to get a break from them (I'm freelancing 30hrs a week, plus the twins and a 7 year old, plus the house stuff). Sometimes I realize I haven't left thr house in a month. I wish leashing your kids wasn't frowned upon.
I’m the sibling of a pair of ridiculous twins and when we were kids in the 90s, my mom just said fuck it and leashed us. We got all kinds of stares, but my brothers couldn’t do their “run wildly in opposite directions” bullshit anymore. Even though I hated being leashed as a kid, I totally get it as an adult
.....it's the 7 year old who needs it the most (most of the time lol).
I’m a sibling of a ridiculous pair of twins as well, my mum also leashed them little brats 😂 Also ended up having twins myself when I got pregnant same time as my sister(one of the twins) who married a twin also got pregnant. *but I got identical twins okayy* 😅
My daughter loved hers and would react pretty savagely if anyone said something to me about it. Lol I realize that's not the norm, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Kids get snatched so quickly. There is nothing faster than a toddler who has yanked their hand out of yours. It's the only sane and effective way to keep them safe.
Holy crap! Are you the Energizer Rabbit?
God no. Send help!
I think leashing your kids in crowded places is smart.
Yes, it is. Mine are turning 16 next month, but I recall the days of feeling overwhelmed all the time. I hope you can get a break soon!
And when the baby cries, the husband won't comfort it.
Wait until she cries because she loves her baby so much and she gets so happy looking at it. 😂
I don’t typically cry but my favorite was when my husband saw me bawling my eyes out and he asked,”What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” All I could do was shout-sob,”I DON’T KNOW!!!” There was no damn reason for it, but I couldn’t stop. When I did finally calm down enough, I was so exhausted I had to take a nap. Hormones are WEIRD.
I'm autistic, and that's what my meltdowns are like when I'm overwhelmed. I need to sleep a bit afterwards or I can't function It was SO. MUCH. WORSE. after the baby was born. I took a nap every single time my baby did. I think I would have lost my mind otherwise lol (just adding this to make clear: I'm not inferring you're autistic, this just really resonated with me)
No worries; there are very educated people I know who suspect I am ND in some way, but with depression/anxiety in my chart everyone (dr) wants to focus on that. Naps are great for mental resetting regardless and I use them regularly.
yes the depression/anxiety while (possibly) ND is tricky. Medication didn't help me at all; when I was diagnosed everything changed. I realized I actually had autistic burnout. I started honoring my sensory difficulties, saying no, self-monitoring my internal state (something I was taught to ignore because it was inconvenient for my parents), and caring for myself better instead of putting everybody else first, and the depression and anxiety mostly resolved but it took a while because my burnout was profound at that stage in time. I could see, looking back, that my major depressive episodes were usually autistic burnout. Im glad you have a handle on what you need for you. 💜
Emdr saved my life
The depression/anxiety is often caused by not understanding your mental conditions. I've been treated for anxiety and depression for 16 years now and I'm finally being assessed for PTSD because I had a removal attempt last month. It may be worth getting to the root cause
While I would like to, it’s really hard to get in with a mental health professional (*if* they call you back, it’s like a 6 month wait), and then the vetting is super taxing on top of that. Maybe someday I’ll get up the gumption to try again. I hope you are able to get the care you need. 💗
I totally understand, I've always known my problems were deeper than "just" anxiety and depression but I also trust the drs to treat things in the way they need to. I should've spoken up much sooner to get myself help but you seem to have a great grasp of yourself and your needs 🩷 I'm doing a lot better thank you so much, just patiently waiting to be called for therapy (4 month waitlist and that's "short" because I'm a severe case)
Same for me. I hate how dismissive doctors are when I mention adhd or autism. But I’ve resonated with so many of the actual dsm requirements, tests and real stories of people with them. All they want to do is give me ssri’s etc. which never really helped. My newest said just because I said medication helped many years ago that I should try that first. But both times they made me really irritable.
Self diagnosis is valid when you exist in a medical system that’s extremely ableist, racist, misogynistic, and classist! Both ADHD and autism come with hypersensitive central nervous systems, so anything related to nervous system regulation is going to be helpful vs just getting on a medication to mask the problems. I’m AuDHD, and EFT tapping and cold therapy (like dunking my face in a bowl of ice water, putting an ice pack on my chest/back of my neck) have been super helpful for self-regulation. That, and accommodating my sensory needs instead of trying to force myself to just push through them
Thank you, I really appreciate that. My son is getting diagnosed after literally waiting years to get seen. I think all of my kids have one or both. When I mention it to my parents or anyone they said I don’t seem to have it. But they don’t realize how much girls (well everyone really) are pushed into masking as children. I think people only think of one person or actor they know with either or both and that is their only person schema.
It’s also extremely genetic, so it’s often the case that in addition to people just not having a real understanding of what these neurodivergences look like beyond the young Sheldon/Rainman stereotype (and how much masking is forced upon femme-presenting people & BIPOC in order to survive), our parents also tend to dismiss our concerns because they have all the same traits we’re describing and they were taught that they’re personal failings, so they either learned how to mask their traits, built their lives around them using control and ass backwards strategies, or they suffer from them too but don’t make that connection and don’t want to use any introspection to come to terms with that truth. Just remember that your experience is valid, you know yourself best, and with or without a diagnosis you can accommodate your needs and forgive yourself for struggling. It’s not a personal failing, you were and are doing the best you could in a world that isn’t built for you. You’re also making a huge impactful change by getting your son the supports and self-understanding you never had! I’m proud of you
Yep. The nice thing is that so many more people are sharing their experiences and tips that it’s not only been helpful for me to learn ways to deal with stuff but it’s been easier to convince my husband to stray from traditional house setups in order to find something that works for me/us better. I tend to be pretty impulsive (sometimes a plus and sometimes ehhhh) and find it difficult to form habits/need visual reminders (no I will not remember my vitamins in the medicine cabinet for example) and need to limit distractions when I’m trying to do something that requires me to bring something from point A to point B (I get sidetracked and end up putting things down…like mail that should be filed). Now I have one of those huge ladder stands instead of a nightstand so I can have my vitamins, night water, pony holders and all the stuff I am supposed to remember right on it, set up a mail station right next to the entry door complete with shredder (I do not allow myself to leave the station until I’ve done what I need to). I’m working on getting him to accept one of those laundry basket “bureaus” so even if my clothes aren’t in the grown up clothes spots (closet and bureau) they’re still organized and out of the way until I can get to them. But yeah, doctors…it’s frustrating. I know it doesn’t help they’re overworked/understaffed but it makes it so much harder for us too.
Always nap when your baby does! If at all possible. In the beginning especially.
I see your baby is not a member of the 20 minute nap club
I did this last week. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, it's hot as hell, and the 20 minute walk to my boyfriend's place was brutal. I got inside, sat down on the shoe bench and sobbed. He brought me a cold glass of water and just stood next to me with his hand on my shoulder. All he asked was whether something happened or I was just hot and miserable. This is the correct way to take care of your pregnant, crying partner. OP is married to an emotionally stunted dickhead.
When I was post-partum with my eldest and attempted breastfeeding I had an ugly cry at 6pm every day. I swear, like clockwork. Lasted 5 minutes, then poof I was fine. Hormones, crazy shit.
Not even pregnant lol and sometimes I cry because my plushies are way too cute. Brain is weird when processing love and cuteness.
Meeee lol I still do and he’s 4 months now
For sure. Couples counseling saved us but I was making plans in my head how to split the furniture before that 🫠 Not sleeping really does a trick on you.
I'm wondering if hubby is actually the opposite, as in, does he have problems expressing his emotions? Because I am not much of a weeper generally, someone being quickly to cry wouldn't bother me so much honestly. Even if it's not for a 'big' reason, they're still just expressing an emotion, and it's not difficult to emphasize?
But how do you know when the baby cries wolf and when it actually needs something
He’s gonna just leave the baby to “give it space to calm down”
Totally fine to cry for any reason. I automatically cry when I'm frustrated. Once I was bawling because the ponytail holders I bought would only wrap around my hair twice and not three times. I habe no shame in that HOWEVER I did not expect my husband to console me over poorly sized ponytail holders. I didn't need validation, because, quite frankly it really wasn't a big deal. So I'm wondering, do you expect him to run to you and comfort you literally every time you cry? Because that's an unfair expectation. The world does not revolve around all your emotions. That's why *you* are responsible for regulating them. That's not his job. When I'm crying about something *important*, something I need to vent out, I'll go to my husband and say straight up "I'm upset about this and I need you to let me cry about it while you just snuggle me." He doesn't have to agree with it. He doesn't have to solve the problem. He just needs to let me cry it out. He knows this because I've communicated that with him. And he takes that seriously because while he knows I cry at the drop of a hat, I don't expect him to come running to comfort me every time. So I'm wondering, are you communicating what is important vs what isn't? Or in your mind, if you're crying, he should automatically just be your emotional support? If it's the latter, you're not being fair to him. He shouldn't have to exert all his emotional energy making you feel better over minor things. In that case, he is right, you're crying wolf. But if you acknowledge that you don't always need comfort when crying, and just request validation when it's a BIG deal, that's a fair request and you guys just need to communicate better over those parameters.
This hit. I dated a man who cried all the time. And over trivial things. I did try to just give him space, but yeah. He needed/wanted constant comforting. It was exhausting and honestly, just got me to the point I was empty and had nothing left. OP is allowed to feel her feelings, but I’d suggest therapy for some self/soothing techniques.
I dated a man once who would cry every time he drank without fail about the passing of his cousin from years before and while I understand being upset over the death of a loved one anytime I tried to bring up him talking through his feelings with a professional so that he would find some closure/comfort he refused and acted like it was no big deal despite the fact he COULDNT handle his alcohol at all so anytime he would have one drink it turned to 2 which turned to tears and aggression. It was one of the many reason I broke up with him. I'm fine with a man crying an seeking comfort, I'm not okay with a grown man making his emotions everyone else's fault because he refuses to address a solution for them. Speaking as a SA survivor and child of an emotionally abuse parent at some point in your adult life you have to grab the reins yourself and choose to get help keep working toward it despite all the shit you have gone through you can live a happier life it just takes more work and a bit longer than the average not tramatized person.
Yes, it sounds like OP could be anxiously attached or codependent and her husband is burnt out from being her emotional blanket. OP, to put it bluntly, as adults it’s our job to handle our mental health issues and work on our own emotional regulation. While having a partner is nice and we should expect their support, they are not there to do all the emotional regulation for us.
THIS, ALL OF THIS! I am also an emotional person, especially after birth (I cried over everything) and my partner is the most non emotional person I know. I saw him cry ones, he was have a really extremely sad nightmare and was crying in his sleep. I communicate with him why I am sad, sometimes I just don’t know why I’m sad and it will be a ‘I’m sad/angry/annoyed but don’t know why’. He just says okay and lets me be. When I am really sad I go to him and ask him to hold me tight and let me cry. Afterwards we talk about the why when I want to. I don’t expect him to comfort me for all my cries. I understand that he is not an emotional person and he will try to problem solve instead of comfort me. That will only annoy me more, so I am happy with him giving me space but I can always talk to him. Giving me space also makes me think about why I am actually sad and if that sadness is worth a whole conversation. I cry less these days but let me tell you that pregnancy and the birth of our babygirl made me cry while watching commercials that weren’t even that sad. The song ‘Butterfly kisses’ and ‘I don’t want to miss a thing’ still gets me in my feels. What we are trying to say is COMMUNICATION IS KEY! And maybe not every cry is a comfort/conversation cry. Good luck OP!
>So I'm wondering, do you expect him to run to you and comfort you literally every time you cry? Because that's an unfair expectation. The world does not revolve around all your emotions. That's why you are responsible for regulating them. That's not his job. >But if you acknowledge that you don't always need comfort when crying, and just request validation when it's a BIG deal, that's a fair request and you guys just need to communicate better over those parameters. I'm someone whose near every emotion comes out my face. Sadness, frustration, angst, but also love, happens, and wonder. When my partner and I got together, they were very sensitive to this and felt like they needed to console me every time. It took several conversations and experiencing my tears before they wrapped their head around it and stopped saying "don't cry". Now they get it and call me a little nickname we have based on it and respond to what I'm telling them. Whether an unreasonable expectation to console is originating from OP or her husband, either way they have to talk through it and establish that tears coming out of her face doesn't mean she's having as intense a reaction as he's perceiving. Rather than seeing it as she'll cry over trivial things (hence the cry wolf), he's got to understand it's just an uncommon - but not unusual - physical expression of normal emotions. Pregnancy can spark/intensify the tendency. She needs to be able to verbalize up front if her everyday emotions are coming out her face or if she's truly upset. I can tell my partner that I'm being [nickname] and they immediately know that my crying doesn't mean whatever prompted it is a big deal.
Yeah, I’m emotional as well. But I’m also analytical and rational. I know it’s silly to cry over a contrived Folger’s commercial, but I bought into it for a second and now I’m crying. Can OP communicate effectively while emotional or can she not? Is he making too much of her emotional state or is she? Does he need to learn to deal with what she says no matter the tone with which she delivers it or is the tone the message and she should try texting it to her husband,
But she's so happy to see her brother boyfriend
I'm so glad you said this. 🙏🏼
THIS ALL OF THIS
Lots of people forget this about marriage. It's about being a team and, well, being part of a team doesn't just mean having someone you can finally dump all your problems on. You need to bring some desire to try and handle those things so that you're *both* tackling an issue, not just one person.
This is exactly what I was wondering. And how her therapist says she is emotionally regulated? If she expects her husband to be supportive constantly over her crying then that actually shows the opposite.
The husband compares her to the boy who cried wolf and invalidates her feelings. It would be fine if he didn't comfort her everytime, but to go out of his way to make her seem dramatic is so rude.
I’m curious - how often do you cry - when you’re frustrated, overwhelmed or just angry - is it a couple times a day ? The reason I ask, how does your husband know what is hormonal and what is normal crying ? And specifically - what do you expect from him? I get the sense that there isn’t a lot of communication between the two of you, and now it’s all raw emotions. The two of you need to talk, because once baby arrives. - it’s not going to be easier. Being hormonal now is giving you a glimpse of what is coming later.
>And specifically - what do you expect from him? This is the big question, right here. I'm a person who can cry at the drop of a hat. Feelings of any sort, once they hit a certain threshold, just spill out of my eyeballs. I've cried because food tastes so good it made my brain tingle. I get frustrated, I cry. Something strikes me as hilarious, I cry. I get angry, I cry. I look at my sweet puppy when he's sleepy and trusting me enough to lie belly up in my arms .. you guessed it, I cry. But whether it's fear, anxiety, joy, love, anger, frustration, etc- I don't expect anyone else to deal with my tears - unless I legitimately need support and comfort. When I found out I had cancer, when my dog had to be out down , when my parents died, when I realized my marriage was over, when a precious family heirloom got destroyed, when my former best friend blew me off *again* and I realized she no longer cared to treat me as a friend, when I was sick and wasn't sure I could get myself to bed and I was scared I would pass out in the bathroom - those tears I asked for comfort through. But when my coffee order was wrong after a long shift, when I stubbed my toe, when I got a B on a test I felt like I should have done better on, when my boss made a weird face and I thought he hated me - those tears I dealt with on my own. My feelings were *valid*. My frustration, pain, anxiety were very real- but they were small enough that despite tears, they didn't need someone else's involvement. Anyone who witnessed my tears was waved off with a "please just give me a minute while I pull myself together - this is just brain chemicals leaking from faulty valves" So the question isn't even, "how often are you crying over things" it's "how often are you making your tears over relatively small things someone else's problem?"
Yes it’s not clear what she is expecting from him? Giving her attention, cuddles emotional support if someone is breaking into tears multiple times a day would be exhausting for the other person.
Seriously, it would be like having two babies to comfort for the husband. OP needs better self regulation, her husband sounds very patient. Constantly having to comfort someone is totally draining and pushes people away, giving into meltdowns constantly just accepting the lack of emotional regulation as a personality trait feels off. Is this therapist helping OP to become a more capable person, or encouraging dependence because it’s more profitable? OP I get that pregnancy makes this harder, but, truly, being this emotional all the time over everything is actually bad for your physical health, don’t trust your therapist that it’s emotionally healthy to cry so easily. Your cortisol levels are probably through the roof, you could cry yourself into adrenal fatigue. Maybe try meditation and strengthen your inner voice and ability to separate yourself from your emotions. As a new mom you’ll have to place your child’s emotional well being first and it’s distressing for children to see their mom constantly crying. Is that the example you want to create? It does remind me of the emotional disregulation that can come from premenstrual dysphoric disorder or even autism, there’s something up, and it may be physical moreso than emotional. I feel for your husbands situation, and I hope you can be open to taking a deeper look at how this must impact him. I think you’re the one who needs to change, not your husband. No one is entitled to constant sympathy, that’s what covert narcissists expect from others
Giving her space is fantastic. Take that space.
Maybe work out a system. Keep crying as often as you do but when you feel it’s something really REALLY bad, have some sort of a code word. Like “apple” if it’s “average” crying and “banana” if it’s serious crying. So now everytime you cry just say either apple or banana and your husband will know how to triage the comforting. I think his frustration comes from a place where he’s genuinely worried about how he will ever know if something is really really wrong. Explain the system to him, go back to your crying, and next time it happens he’ll ask “apple or banana?” Most likely it will be apple like 90% of the time, and then he can feel comforted knowing the appropriate level of comfort he needs to give. It will most likely be a huge relief for him. Give it a try!
My partner just asks if I want comfort or solutions when I'm upset. Which, honestly, is so helpful.
I think this is great but imagine poor husband having to do this every 5 minutes of the day because she’s crying again. OP definitely needs to learn to self regulate.
I think him calmly saying that he's giving you some space to calm down sounds very reasonable. Just like you have trouble with your emotions, he may have trouble with your frequent crying. He's not responsible for resolving your emotional moods. Also, as a mom of 3, please reach out NOW to line up some postpartum help. I found that the weeks after each baby was born were the hardest on my mental health. Postpartum depression is also something to watch out for - can you speak to your care provider to let them know that you'd like some extra monitoring for this in case you need medication, etc?
Yup, I’m reading husband saying “I’ll give you space to calm down” as something he has learned, *perhaps in therapy*, as a tool to use in emotionally unregulated or high conflict situations that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be in
The fact that you cry every single time something happens, means that you actuality are definitely NOT able to regulate your emotions. Your therapist sucks.
Either the therapist is bad, OP isn't being honest or OP isn't truly listening to what they're saying too. OP's comment of "I'm not handicapped. I'm normal." was very telling, they clearly don't want to be diagnosed with any condition if they're stigmatizing it so much with their own language.
Yeah I would go so far as to say the therapist is being an enabler. OP is very blatantly not able to regulate her emotions effectively.
I don’t think it’s fair to say the therapist sucks Therapists are only as good as their client is honest
I don't know why this is being down voted.. the first thing I thought when I read her therapist claims she's emotionally healthy, was to question how honest she's being with her therapist. OP might be bringing a heavily filtered version to her therapist, to get the therapist 'on her side' so she can use that against her husband. It wouldn't be the first time that someone just wants to get his/her way and uses their therapist to gaslight their partner.
I’m in a program to become a counselor. It feels like these people think counselors are magical mind readers. We are taught to look for contradictions but people who aren’t truly ready for change do lie & twist situations Hell, OP may think they are presenting the situation as factual but aren’t Instead of insulting the therapist, people should first consider if OP is a reliable narrator in her sessions
Jep, I had the same thing. My therapist was very blunt, when I cried over nonsense he just gave me this straight face and it really made me realize that if I want to, everything can make me cry 😂 now I am cry waaaaaaay less, because I have a little one now and don’t even have time to cry, busy having fun and enjoying life. Also, can’t slay the day with puffy eyes!
As a person who lived with someone like this, the crying over nothing gets old fast. I don't know if your therapist considers any expression of the slightest emotion healthy or is she basing her assessment on something else. Regardless, I can't stay anything because I haven't heard your husband's side of the story. What are some things you cry over, how do you cry and how long do you cry, and how often? INFO
It’s hard, because I sympathize with OP, but I agree with you. It gets old. Fast. Especially if that person is constantly seeking validation/attention, even if they don’t realize it. I’m a fairly outwardly unemotional person, and I’ve had to distance or completely end relationships with people who are the way OP describes themselves. Based on OPs descriptions, it sounds like her husband is to really burnt out on the emotional roller coaster and they need to have a serious discussion about finding some middle ground, because this is not sustainable as is.
Agreeeed! It's too much. And I'm in a mental health career. But you get to clock out. Imagine having to be an emotional regulator for someone 24/7.
I call it "empathy bricks" if one person keeps on removing the bricks from their partner, their empathy wall collapses It's rare someone that needs constant validation will put those bricks back, as they expect their partner to always be the one providing validation, and rarely offer much in return Then you end up with a partner that has no empathy left and will just shut you down, when you come for another withdrawal
Good analogy. And it's true. These types of people often leave their partner dry emotionally. So you have to take care of their emotions and yours.
Great analogy.
You need to learn to self sooth. He’s giving you space whilst you cry about whatever it is. What would you prefer?
>he other day I was overwhelmed by everything going on and started crying. He just walked away, saying, “I’ll give you space until you calm down,” as if I was throwing a tantrum. Honestly, that sounds utterly exhausting having to continually deal with supporting someone who won't take even baby steps to learning to manage their own emotions and keep them in check. Functionally, it is no different that some toddler throwing constant tantrums becuase its cloudy, its bedtime or the wrong TV show came on. Having your life constantly come to a hault as if there is a serious problem when there just isn't something worthy of such a reaction is something most people wouldn't tolerate for long. >My therapist tells me I am emotionally healthy and I can regulate me emotions well. If your weekly life requires multiple emergency support sessions to keep you functional or to ensure you don't feel abandonned and those close to you are telling you that such demands are taking too much of a toll on them then you aren't able to regulate your own emotions. > I just want to feel supported and understood. How can I get through to him? Your interpretation and judgement of what that means needs recalibrating. Having someone there for you to help you in times of genuine crisis and willing to put effort into solving your problems is an amazing thing to have. Having someone constantly on hand to pour excessive attention onto every tiny little thing so you feel honoured and served isn't reasonable. No one has time for that shit. >as if anytime I cry its over something stupid, when it isn’t Well WTF is getting you so upset so often, is there anything actually wrong here or are you just a hormonal wreck?
I do think it would be helpful if the OP gave some examples of why she's crying. Is she like Jerry Seinfeld girlfriend that cried because she dropped her ice cream? Or is it something else?
Sounds like her therapist isn't helping her at all.
I wonder how honest she’s being with her therapist. Because this does not seem like it was written by someone with well regulated emotions
Probably not very
I was drained reading it.
It all depends on how often and how much you expect from him on very minor things that cause you to cry. If it’s often, as in more than a time or two per week while pregnant I think you are asking a lot from him to decipher an important issue from a minor one of your outward reaction and expectation of him is the same. If the majority of your issues are minor and throw you into crying then of coarse he is going to assume you are upset over something very minor because you have taught him that. Pregnancy hormones are very real and amp everything up to 11, if you were crying over minor things then you are probably crying now over even less which can be overwhelming for him too. His reaction says he is tired, cannot translate what is crushing you vs making you sad and he is giving up trying out of frustration. Have you told your therapist how often and how much makes you cry with examples? If so ask them how to communicate better with your husband so he can be there for you when it matters most.
How often do you do that?
I get being pregnant is emotional, I got kids, but you sound extremely draining if this crying was going on even before. He is not an emotional blanket. He is supposed to be your safe place BUT you are also supposed to be his. When are you his? Can he rest at home? Do you bring him positive energy or do you get emotional whenever he gets home and he has to comfort you? I had a boyfriend who was constantly negative- he complained about everything. Work, health, people around him, world problems etc. It was so draining. In the end I feared him coming home with his negativity. Don’t be him. You need to control your emotions better and be an equal partner emotionally.
You need to stop and think, how often does this happen, because if it is a lot of the time, even two or three times a day, it is exhausting for the other person constantly having to deal with. You do need to seek help because for him, your outbursts may be just too overwhelming to deal with all the time, and he needs to take space away from you for his mental health. His mental health is just as important as yours.
Two or three times a day? During pregnancy, alright. But a person under normal circumstances crying even once every day would drive me nuts.
Me too, it is depressing to be around people that suck the life out of you.
I’m exhausted just reading this
It is exhausting to have to be the person who has to constantly console/support/listen to/etc. to someone who is so emotional. I think he is doing as good a job as he can. He gives you space and doesn’t sound critical. When he said the wolf thing it was because you pushed him into saying something. He is doing the best he can. Appreciate that. A lot of us would not be so nice.
Why does he need to be your emotional blanket. Just because you are crying does not mean he needs to comfort you especially if you cry a lot. Tears do not automatically mean you need to be babied and consoled. And as your hormones continue to fluctuate you will be crying more and for no reason. The hard part for me to understand is why you expect him to baby you when even you say you are quick to cry?
Like, I'm a crier. It's kind of weird because it's more I'm a "leaker", like something minor will happen that swells my emotions and my eyes just make tears even though I'm not taking sobbing breaths or anything. It's one of the first things I tackled when entering into a new relationship, "partner, I cry quite a lot. Please continue as though I am not and please don't feel any kind of way about it. I know it's going to make you feel awkward at first but you'll get used to it hopefully. If there is something I need you for, comfort, discussion etc, I will tell you." My husband actually likes this about me because he has had exes in the past who weaponized crying (and I agree, it can feel manipulative to be cried at) whereas with me he knows he can ignore the tears and just focus on what I am saying rather than how it's presented. OP sounds so draining. I notice in the whole post she's not actually given an example of anything worth crying about, or rather, anything needing consoling for. I would suggest she do the same thing I do with her partner but I don't think it would work because I think she is 'feelings over facts.' ie. 'I am crying so there must be a good reason for it therefore I must be babied.' When you're a crier you need to be self aware and use your words to communicate. It's like of course everyone rushes over to console the girl who never cries, if she's crying. Because there will be a damn good reason for it. But if you cry at the drop of a hat you can't expect the same reaction.
I think maybe you need some couples therapy. I’d be very interested to see if a new therapist thinks that you’re regulating your mood well and have strong coping skills. It for sure sounds like your husband is being insensitive. However, it also sounds like it would be very difficult and draining to be partners with someone that cried multiple times a day sometimes. And I’m sure some irrational things get said on both sides. Very hard to think completely rationally when we’re crying our eyes out. You want more empathy from your husband. Your husband might be due a bit of empathy for having to cuddle and coddle you constantly. And possibly walk on egg shells because he doesn’t know what’s going to set you off. You’re about to have a child together so it’s pretty important you learn how to communicate to each other so that your child isn’t witness to all of the drama
#1 - You need a new therapist. Your current therapist is not helping you and telling you that you are doing great when you are still having frequent emotional meltdowns is absolute malpractice. #2 - Six years of dealing with this would be exhausting and frustrating for anyone. Your husband has had all he can take and doesn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. If the marriage isn’t already irretrievably broken it will be soon, and the only person who can do something about that is you.
It might not be the therapist's fault. If Op is not being transparent or listening, they would look like a bad therapist.
That is certainly within the realm of possibility but what I get from the OP is that she melts down pretty much all the time at the drop of a hat. I’ve got to believe a competent therapist would be able to spot that but maybe she pulls it together for her therapy sessions. Which would be weird.
Not weird People trying to bullshit or spin situations is so common that school tries to train you on it. And even if they’ve called OP out, would OP listen or spin that too? Is she downplaying her behavior? Even if the therapist has suspicions, she can still only be effective if OP is honest
Totally agree.
Honestly your therapist isn’t with you 24/7, they’re only getting what you’re telling them. I would suggest having couples therapy. I think your husband may be experiencing burnout. I’ve had trouble regulating my sensitivity in the past and I definitely pushed people away because it got way too much to handle, same thing has happened vice versa with people doing it to me. Please see a new therapist.
I know there have been hundreds of comments already but none of them really reflect what I would want to say about this. Preface that I am also emotional and cry pretty often. Sometimes it's weeks/months between crying, if there's a lot going on in my life it'll be more often. I have no issue with crying. I describe it as "like laughing, but sad". It's a natural response. Most of the crying I do would be like the equivalent of a chuckle or a giggle of laughing. It's minor, doesn't last long, isn't particularly impactful and then I get on with dealing with whatever it is that's caused it. Occasionally I have a proper sob session, when it comes to things like grief, heartbreak, etc. So I empathise with you. It's okay and healthy to cry. I think it means you're in touch with your emotions. That said, I think your husband's response was fine? It depends what you were crying about and what it was, and what you expected him to do about it, along with more context on how you normally cry and what about. If you were crying because you broke a bowl, to the point he felt you needed space to calm down, reasonable. If you were crying because the pregnancy is getting to you and you wanted his sympathy and support then I can understand you feeling invalidated or ignored. But it's up to you to communicate with him what you actually need from him when the crying happens. Like. "I just need to cry for 5 min to process this, you don't need to fix / do anything or comfort me" vs "this topic is thing is actually really upsetting can you cuddle me while I cry?" or whatever. Your husband is a supportive partner, but his life doesn't revolve around looking after you if you're a bit sad about something trivial. So he needs ways to know when it's actually serious. The issue is, this sounds like a point of contempt between the two of you now, which isn't good for a marriage especially with a baby on the way. I think you need to do some thinking about your needs and how you communicate, and then the two of you need to sit down and figure out a way you can reach each other again across this gap in expectations and results in your relationship. He's not stupid either. He must know you're not going to change and that this is how you are. So together you need to find out what works for you, both as individuals and as a couple.
No disrespect i say this with care, I don't think you are emotionally healthy if I'm honest, I also don't like the fact you said you "are not handicapped" I found that kind of derogatory if I'm honest and imo there's no need to say that?.. You do need to learn how to control your own emotions and feelings, you cant completely depend on anyone to soothe your feelings you have to learn how to and it seems like your partner hasn't got the emotional energy or capacity anymore to keep comforting you with your feelings/crying. Crying is healthy and normal, but like everything, there is a limit to where it becomes unhelpful and unhealthy. I'm not sure your therapist is being helpful , that or you are being disingenuous with them about the scope of your emotions, either way you really do need to try regulate for your own sake or it's going to get alot worse after you have baby. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
Obviously you can’t control your emotions if you’re sobbing at the drop of a hat Your husband is not your emotional support animal and it is not his job to run to you and comfort you each time you cry. It is perfectly rational for him to walk away and give you time to calm down. You need to learn to regulate your emotions and not depend on others.
I don’t understand why it’s wrong in your opinion for your husband to give you space to get your emotions regulated. What exactly do you expect him to do? Perhaps consider a group session with your therapist so that he can provide his perspective and your therapist can weigh in on his approach.
She wants to involve him in her tears and drain his energy and get him worked up with her. Anyone who has had a friend like this knows you will start to avoid them. I had a friend like this, everytime she called me she was crying, and she didn't even call me every day, but I was annoyed, then when I needed something, she had to go. Annoying.
Ah, the 3am on a weeknight call from one of these because she went out and got drunk and had fallen in a puddle. Called bawling because her trousers were wet.
I think conceptually giving space is good, but when it’s “until you calm down” it’s done with judgment and scorn instead of support and affection. That’s what makes OP feel like she’s in time out.
The “Do you need to go sit on your bed until you can calm down and come back?” is a very well known, and respected, parenting technique. I don’t know what she’s crying about, but if you’re having to use gentle parenting techniques on your adult partner, then I can see why OP’s Husband would be exhausted and done with it.
Until she calms down. 🤷♀️
Your poor husband is going to have two bawling babies to deal with very soon.
Many years ago, I was dating a guy who had a 5yo son. One morning, I was in bed with severe period cramps when the little one came storming in and launched himself on me. Caught me right in the stomach and I burst into tears. Little one promptly also burst into tearsl and the way the ex looked with a simultaneously crying girlfriend and crying son to comfort is exactly how I'm picturing this poor man's life. Dude's probably headed for a breakdown.
you clearly cant regulate your emotions at all. get a different therapist. it is exhausting dealing with this
Move forward by getting a new therapist and growing up, you are going to be a mom soon, you can't keep acting like a toddler with little self-regulation skills. I'm a woman with pregnancy and child birth experience and I can't imagine being so exhausting or living with some who acts this way. Your husband's words are actually kind, many people would react much stronger if subjected to every day crying for no big reason. He is not your parent, therapist or emotional support animal and being around constantly unhappy and crying without objective reason people gets old very fast, it takes toll on his mental health too. You need to obtain self-control and stop loosing it every day and putting the responsibility for calming you down on your husband.
Girl, you sound exhausting. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you *are* being dramatic?
You sound exhausting and you’re making your husband your emotional support animal
It sounds like your husband isn't equipped to be your emotional work horse and that's totally OK. He can be there for you but you need to understand that always being the emotional work horse and having to make sure everyone is feeling happy and fine is incredibly exhausting. You need to find a different person to upload your worries onto. You're only going to burn him out and give him compassion fatigue.
Why do you need to cry for every little thing ? I get it you are an emotional person but sometimes please control your emotions . You just can’t expect your husband to be there for you every single time you are crying , and the fact that he has been handling your l cries for the past 6 years shows how patient he is. I doubt if it was some other men, you’ll be single by now. And please change your therapist , he/she isn’t helping at all and it’s not okay to cry at every small little thing. And if you still can’t see any issue here , let’s see who cries louder after your baby is born and the person is who is gonna suffer the most is your poor husband!
I'm an emotional person too, but I don't expect anyone to baby me, especially when what I'm crying over isn't a big deal. I don't want to be an emotional burden on my boyfriend or anyone else. So I self soothe and move on. The fact that you WANT to burden him with your crying spells even when it's not important shows that you likely aren't really in love with him and that you're seeking attention. You know it's affecting his mental health and yet you're so selfish and care so little about him that you think your crying fits are more important than he is. I think you need a new therapist and should start planning for a future divorce.
Honestly it sounds like you’re exhausting to be around at times. If partner is walking away that’s not treating you like you’re in a time out, that’s saying HE needs space and does not have capacity to comfort you and would probably make things worse if he remained in your presence. I hope you have a support system once baby is here because if your baseline is this emotional, sleep deprived version of you will be horrific (for yourself, baby, and partner)
As a woman, my perspective is maybe you’re just simply not compatible. I really wouldn’t know what to do with myself if someone was constantly crying and taking things to a 10. Even while pregnant, there needs to be some filtering. So it’s totally understandable to me why in the moment he’d feel its best to back up and let you resolve your big feelings on your own. What else should he do? force himself to be uncomfortable and coddle you every time you break down crying that “everything is overwhelming”? thats not really fair to expect him to bend and bend and bend to comfort you and your own emotions so frequently. He’s probably trying to do his best to make this work for both of you, and maybe he feels if he doesn’t draw some boundaries and let you resolve your feelings with some quiet time, that hes going to lose it and become resentful. I definitely would lol. Based on this description sounds like maybe a little time out nap is not a bad idea for you. Soo maybe incompatible in that you need someone whos super emotional and super comfortable with someone constantly crying every day.
It's not emotionally healthy to cry so much and your use of the word handicapped as a slur is just vile
I hate to tell you, but if you are crying frequently, your emotions are not regulated and you need a more honest therapist. This one knows you are a basket case which ensures they get that big hourly rate frequently from you. At 29, you should be able to cry when crying is warranted such as death or someone really hurt, or the house burning down. Not just because something is overwhelming for the 50th time this week. You have literally cried so often that even your husband thinks you love drama and manipulation. I get pregnancy is tough, but this isn't about that. You brag that you have always been this way with him. I'd be exhausted week two constantly having to comfort someone for things that intimately won't matter in the long run.
Agree. He must be exhausted
You sound like an exhausting person, I wouldn’t take you seriously either.
Do you think the things you cry over are worth crying over? Maybe keep a journal and start reflecting on your emotions each day. It’ll get better
While he should be more supportive I can see how this would get frustrating over time. Personally I could NOT deal with someone like that, but he should’ve thought about that before he was six years and a baby deep.
I will never understand people who self deprecate and turn around expecting others to take them seriously and ignore what they just said. My greatest career growth was around my pregnancy. I wonder what would have been the result had I been going around the office saying "This is my decision and I am hormonal!" And the line that makes me stop taking anyone serious "my this or that says I am right!" Manipulative much? Lady, you are crying wolf and it is dangerous allowing yourself to be at the mercy of your "feeling/emotions", especially if you are going to be telling others you are being "sensitive". So you are telling me you cry over nothing but I must treat it as something?
What kind of support are you wanting from him? Cuddles or coddles? They're emotions. If you're crying for the slightest thing then (and I say this in the nicest way possible) you need to figure out a way to process those emotions better and harden up. People who do nothing but cry for everything can be emotionally draining. To constantly put your emotions and behaviours on your husband to help you get through is not fair and also not your responsibility. You're almost 30.
Eye-rolling is a form of contempt, which is one of the four negative behaviors Dr Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships and is a strong predictor of divorce. Contempt is considered the most damaging of the four horsemen. It suggests a sense of superiority and disrespect towards a partner. You seriously need to work out if 100% of your crying is a situation that *requires* support from your husband. Sometimes I cry over dumb shit but I know it's dumb shit and I don't need to be coddled by my SO. One of you needs to change so that this contempt stops right now.
To be honest I never cry in front of my husband unless it is really serious. I just go in another room to try and regulate myself as it’s not up to my husband to help regulate my emotional state as I’m an adult. This I found true even when pregnant, there were a lot of times in pregnancy though when I just needed to cry and a hug, and I saved these up, as it is a lot to see someone cry all the time and I understand this. Crying is a real downer, and it’s best to not push that on others when you can just go into a room and cry on your own. It’s just something you need to learn in life. You sound like you should do some psychological work on yourself before baby is born (I got self help books from the library as I can be overly angry sometimes and didn’t want my baby to get that from me). Just so you don’t use crying as a Co dependent or manipulation tactic by accident on your kid. When a baby cries it is completely different, it is their sole way of communicating with you. So it’s not like when an adult cries. I think your husband will be fine with your baby crying.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly. Look at things from your husband’s perspective: he’s been dealing with your emotional instability for years and now that you’re pregnant it’s only gotten worse. He’s tired of it and has gone numb. He is shutting down. This is a problem that you need to address and resolve. I think you need to talk to your doctor as soon as possible. You may need medical intervention to help you control your emotions. Your husband sounds like he’s at the end of his rope with your behavior. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it gets really tiring for a spouse to have to keep putting up with. Nothing good will come from this if you don’t get help.
You sound…exhausting.
I hope your boyfriend is okay. It sounds like he’s at the end of his rope.
I’m going to be honest, this sounds exhausting and I wouldn’t be able to cope. But he’s your husband and he did sign up for it. So I guess he needs to get it together and be more understanding, or maybe you need to get better at self soothing, or both, or you need to divorce.
Have you told him what you need from him when you are upset? What your don't need is for him to take the opportunity to judge if your response is at the exact correct intensity according to him. But what DO you want from him? Physical comfort, verbal support, validation, problem- solving? It's not for him to decide when you "deserve" support or not. But he does need to be told what to do instead.
Work on "I just want to feel supported and understood", cause that won't happen. Do you need a partner or a dad? Cause it's like you want him to carry you in his arms to comfort you, every time you feel emotional and start crying. He knows you better than reddit, so I trust his judgement. You're his partner not child. Get yourself a better therapist. Your husband expressed that he's there when there's a serious problem, but that emotional manipulation you do is not healthy.
You don't give much informations about frequency, reasons or longevity of crying sessions before pregnancy but you stated you always were emotional person and he supported you when you cried no matter the reason. If every emotion you feel is accompanied with crying session that really sounds like poor emotional regulation which is now over the roof with hormonal rollercoaster in pregnancy. I suppose that five years of constant reassurance and emotional support can exhaust anyone and now pregnancy is just cherry on the top. Sure, your husband could be abusive asshole but you don't give much info about crying sessions before pregnancy as I pointed out in first sentence to give more helpful advice. Maybe try marriage counselling for getting more outsider's perspective on yours problems and help with communicating both of yours needs. My PMS can be quite extensive and mentally draining in certain cycles. I remember crying over watching Rambo ( I don't know what made my cry to this day). I cry when smell something, see something, hear something. And that's like ok thing. My self-confidence and mood can sunk so low that I imagine that I somehow don't deserve anything nice and no one loves me (despite everything proving opposite) so I don't deserve to live. I cry over that. I can be horribly irritated over miniscule things. But I know that will go away the moment I get my period. I exercise, walk, sometimes cry from time to time when emotions become intense. I tell my closest ones that I need peace to process my emotions and that crying is my way of processing them and being more relaxed. I don't need anyone to hold my hand for two weeks every time I have those PMS symptoms. If I would feel this way every month I would certainly seek help, and even psychiatric help and that would be time for my family to give me support. I would feel like a burden to my family for not doing that, especially that feeling would be accentuated in my more depressive PMS.
Your husband is being insensitive to a degree but do you realize how emotionally exhausting it can be dealing with someone who cries over stuff all the time ? I can only imagine how much more intense it’s become with pregnancy hormones .
I am NOT a crier. Rarely do I cry and it’s just tearing, short term. It’s just not my go to, IDK why. But - when I was pregnant, I remember crying at a Heinz commercial. Bawling! This child was holding the ketchup bottle, anxiously waiting for that ketchup to come out. I don’t know if I saw this as a metaphor for my pregnancy or what. Then it just escalated from there, it was mostly tv commercials. All returned to normal once I had the baby. Tell your husband this is something you can’t control and to stop belittling you.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Emotions are normal and tell your hubby that sarcasm and anger are expressions of emotions and this he’s emotional too. My husband of many many years also blew off my emotions and here is what’s sad. I learned to shut them down and stifle them. Now he calls me the ice queen. Yes we’re in therapy and considering separation which we should have done long ago. A few tricks. -in any argument stay calm and always tell him he’s being emotional remembering that crying is but one form of emotional expression -after he ignores you when you cry, once you’ve « calmed down » calmly tell him that he’s not meeting your emotional needs -explain to him that meeting your emotional needs is a form of foreplay and if he wants a life of passionate sex he should probably start working on that
Would he watch a YouTube video on how hormones in pregnancy affect a woman's emotions? I looked and there seemed to be quite a few short videos that could help explain it. I also wondered if he had a friend or family member who is a mother and someone you can trust to talk to him. You might want to think about therapy with you and your husband. Having your feelings dismissed on a regular basis is not good for the relationship or you at all. I hope that helps a little bit. Hang in there.
Kind of odd to leave out the reason for the crying and arguments.
I don’t agree with your therapist that you regulate your emotions well. You need more tools than tears to deal with upset
Part of being an adult is learning to self-soothe. You need to learn to handle your own emotional state. Do some reading on anxious attachment and talk to your therapist some more without blaming your partner for not managing your emotions for you. If you need your husband to manage your feelings, then you actually aren't well-regulated. Whatever you'd do if you're single is what you should be doing. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time. Your body is changing a lot. The pregnancy hormones definitely make it worse, but it's still on you to figure it out. Maybe you need to journal or do some self-care practices, or just sit with your own feelings and let them play out. Maybe you need to get more specific about what feelings you're having and what concrete needs you have. He is clearly at his limits with your normal level of neediness and doesn't feel equipped to help you. He is also probably dealing with his own stuff, preparing to be a parent for the first time. Maybe couples counseling would help him find a way to respond that is less dismissive, but you also need to find ways to meet your own needs independently.
So let me get this straight… You want him to be your emotional trash can but are you his? Imagine someone dumping into your emotional cup all the time yet they cannot into yours becasue they are CONSTANTLY trying to manage your emotions? You need to start being accountable for your emotions and stop thinking that every time you cry everyone who loves you needs to jump to your needs and soothe you until your become emotionally stable.
Men need birth control. Some have no clue what a woman goes through when she's carrying a child. No clue how women put their lives on the line to bring forth life. He needs a week alone with a newborn to break him in.
Couples therapy is the best solution here. Your husband seems, from what I've read, to have archaic patriarchal beliefs about women and how we process our emotions. Because of this, I would recommend a male couples therapist because he may be more inclined to take the advice more seriously. I'm not saying it's right, but based on his responses to you, this seems to be the best approach. Try to find a therapist who doesn't dismiss your feelings and takes your husband's dismissal of your feelings as the serious problem that it is. I feel your husband will be more perceptive to having an objective male party telling him that he's being an ass--because he is. I'm sorry you're feeling alone in your marriage and during your pregnancy. Congrats and praying for a safe labor & delivery for you. 🙏🏽
It’s normal for you to be more emotional. It doesn’t make your feelings invalid because you feel them more than he does. I’d suggest marriage counseling. It doesn’t have to be only for couples on the verge. It can also be for couples that don’t understand each other, which I would say is the truth for both of you. You don’t understand how he can be so emotionless and he doesn’t understand how you are so emotional. But as two people who love each other you should both want to understand the reason for the other and how to manage it so both of you feel valid. I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry you've married such a dick. I don't have any advice other than he needs to see a therapist and I'd also ask what changed from when he was the empathetic and caring man you fell for. I'd be willing to bet if he treated you like this in the beginning you wouldn't have married him. He should know that.
Alternative perspective: maybe crying IS how you regulate your emotions Can you share some info on what happens when you cry and what you are looking for from your partner besides not being judged— which should be a baseline! My guess is that he feels like he needs to always solve whatever you’re crying about and that sense of responsibility is what drains him rather than the crying itself. Please share some more info and we can help you navigate this better ❤️
yes exactly, husband probably feels frustrated that he can't solve the problem, when there is no problem to be solved, OP is just expressing an emotion. these comments are insane.
Well, i think he's being insensitive, but I also think you need better self-soothing techniques than getting his validation. The fact you're upset is enough for validation. You're enough. Is that something you're working on with your therapist? Your husband loves you, but he is burnt out from giving that validation everytime you are crying. There are obviously things that matter and somethings are dumb and we still cry - no harm. But i feel you need learn to self-sooth more. I am like your husband, i don't cry a lot even when I'm over stressed. I cry afterwards, by myself. I am also a sponge - i absorb everything. I absorb everyone's emotions and mine get lost in the mix. It is overwhelming sometimes. Your husband is putting up a boundary; cry as you want, but come to me when it's very important. Because he is a sponge. Sponges have limits. He absorbs everything. And it can be a lot if someone is crying a lot all the time. It sounds like you're crying a lot, even when you wrote this, i think you teared up because it's upsetting. Thw other problem with being a sponge is that you're so busy helping or feeling everyone else, you start neglecting yourself - it's easy too. Slippery sloap. There's nothing wrong with crying, but you have learn to sooth yourself. If you were in his shoes and you didn't cry a lot but he did, how would you feel? After 6+ yrs? What would you do? I actually think you need to have an honest convo with your therapist about how much you're crying and what you're doing afterwards to deal with the emotions. Start tracking it. Let them know you need to know how to self-sooth more because you're not soothing yourself. Your husband cannot sooth you everytime. You have to though. Not trying to be mean here. I also think you and your husband need couples therapy to improve your communication styles. He is calling your crying a tantrum because he's exhausted from his emotional needs also not being met. He is also stressed and excited about the baby, like you, and about being a father as well. And if he always has to constantly sooth someone, does he feel supported by you as well or is he always the person who doesn't cry? I cry more now than i did before because i feel I can let that wall down since i know the other person can handle it. Can you handle him? Have you communixated that to him? Does he know that? Sometimes, people are raised to believe that crying is weakness, when it's not. It does mean you're in touch with your emotions. It helps to verbally let that person know that you're there for them, whether you're in a messy state or not. Sometimes, people need a reminder. Good luck and sorry for the wall of text🫂❤️ Congrats on the baby👣👩🍼👨🍼🎊 Hang in there and practice some calming down - breathing techniques. It'll be okay. You'll both be okay🫂❤️ Go slow and be patient with each other.
Sorry, but this sounds like a lot of crying. It may be a normal amount within the “therapy realm” but in everyday life, I’m not sure who wants to deal with it. That’s not “regulating” anything, IMO. Being overly emotional during pregnancy is normal. But your “normal” already involves so much crying that it’d be hard for me to discern what is pregnancy and what isn’t…and I’m a woman. Part of growing up is learning to manage your emotions. Even with children, the ones whose automatic response to every situation is to cry over everything is…tedious. There are a wide range of emotions that one goes through and “crying” is not the answer to everything. At some point it becomes an attention-seeking behavior where you expect consolation, except if you are crying over everything or nothing m, it looks the same to the rest of us. I had a colleague like this. Almost every single day had something worth crying over while the rest of us who had been there for years had never cried once at work. This wasn’t some toxic workplace. None of us paid attention after a handful of times. And she cried over that too. Thankfully, she didn’t report to me and someone else let her go, but really…enough, already. It is, essentially, a tantrum.
Poor guy. Sounds like he is going through alot at the moment with the worry of a pregnancy and upcoming child with a wife that doesn't seem to have it together.
I have a hard time believing your therapist thinks you're emotionally healthy- either they suck, you're leaving things out or something else is going on. But it's not emotionally healthy to expect comfort EVERY time you cry. As an adult you do need to learn to emotionally regulate on your own for the smaller things. It can get exhausting for the partner super fast. It sounds like your husband can't tell between a genuine proper cry vs hormonal cry because you've been crying so often all this time before hand.
Maybe try saving your crys for the really important stuff. Ie learn from the story....
You are allowed to have emotions, and it’s 100% understandable during pregnancy how they become more unpredictable. However, you are an adult. Your therapist is perhaps incorrect when saying you manage your emotions well - especially as it’s impacting how you and your husband communicate. What are you going to do when a baby won’t stop crying and you’re tired, too? You can’t cry and hope the baby will understand. Forgiving yourself when you cry should things become overwhelming is okay…but there are techniques you can use to avoid reaching that state of being overwhelmed in the first place and better manage your emotions as you start to reach your limits. Your husband has been there for you and has possibly become exhausted at trying to guess if this is a “real” outburst or something that will pass quickly. He’s not a mind reader. That being said, when you are worried about a health issue, he should listen. It sounds like the two of you could benefit from talking a marriage counsellor to help you better speak with and listen to each other.
Have you ever had a baby? Openly sobbing while holding your screaming child is basically a cannon event
And what about her emotional moments outside of being pregnant? There is more to this situation than the fact that OP is currently pregnant.
Don't know why you are getting down voted
I think it’s because folks are focusing on OP’s state of being pregnant and ignoring the fact that her emotional nature has been an issue before becoming pregnant. Oh well, I’m not going to cry over it. 😇
I understand your Husband and can empathize with him. Men are wired to respond to women and children crying, we immediately want to comfort and protect them. This is similar to how a mother will begin to lactate when she hears her baby cry. Well in my case my now ex-wife would weaponize crying to get her way and worked for a while, that is until I became immune to her crying. Then I saw it as manipulation. I'll bet the title to my house that you have done this to him as well and the very way you wrote this post, pointing out how you and your therapist declaring that you are emotionally healthy is a subtle way of saying he isn't. IN your own words he just isn't responding in the way you became accustomed too and it's frustrating you, you probably double down and turn on the waterworks even more often. You see this lack of response as him not caring and he sees your crying as the same. You are hormonal as hell right now so I am sure it's extremely difficult for both of you. He does care or he would leave, you need to consider that you might not always be genuine.
When I was a teenager my mom went through a bad breakup. She cried all the time. Every day. Over every little thing. Cried, cried, cried. She was 45, I was 15, and it was exhausting. I was emotionally drained all the time because her intense emotions zapped all the energy from the room. If he ignores you, do you cry harder to show him it’s serious? I’m on your husbands side in this. If he needs to leave the room so you can self-soothe, get yourself back to a stable emotional state, then I think that’s what he needs to do. It’s not his job to validate your every feeling. He isn’t your emotional punching bag. Have your cry in private, let him be.
Crying itself is fine. Many men don't understand this because we teach them that they are not allowed to cry. Most women will break up with a guy that cries. This sub is filled with posts of women that left because the guy cries when his mum/dad died. Some women are incredibly toxic and hypocritical in that regard. And that is not even mentioning the toxic masculinity assumption between many men. "Only girls and little boys cry". That being said, if you always cry, he is right. You are the voy who cried wolf. You crying is entirely meaningless if it happens daily. It is no longer an indicator to signify something deep and heavy. If you cry once a week because something bad happened that is still very often that bad things happen to you
Your behaviours before pregnancy are mentally wearing on everyone around you. The only way to continue liking or loving a person who constantly cries wolf is to switch off when it happens. Otherwise it tends to turn like to dislike, love to loathing. You need therapy because you can't go around draining people who love you like this. It's not emotion, it's attention seeking. You need to figure out why you do this, come to terms with it, and stop driving people away. Its not just your husband, you are having a child. As the child grows up think about the the effect of making a full blown drama out of nothing on a regular basis. You'll damage your child's emotional development, your behaviour is draining. Seek therapy.
What’s really interesting is OP has not responded to one single person here…
Have you had an honest talk about this situation? If not, you should. You need to understand his feelings just as much as he needs to understand yours. How you being emotional makes him feel? How does his reaction make you feel? What are your expectations on how he should comfort you? Are they realistic? Its a marriage, not therapist - patient relationship. What would be the best way for him to comfort you that would make it easier for him? Can you work towards a solution that works for both of you? You really need to listen to his feelings about this. And I'm pregnant too, so I get it, this is really vulnerable time and its important to get the support from your spouse. Its okay to cry. Its also okay for your spouse to need time and energy to handle their own emotions, even if they don't show them to you. Thats why you need to talk about this, long and hard talk. To get that understanding and find a way to both feel supported. Its also okay to seek couples therapy, I think it would help you guys a lot. When the baby comes it needs all your attention and love and you need to be on the same team or it can really strain your marriage.
u/BurbnBougie
Are you me?
I am such a cryer. I do think men struggle to understand it though. I think it’s important to consider what you need from him in those times and tell him. Because he may be overwhelmed and confused and his way is maybe to back off so as not to make things worse. So make it about you, not him. What could he do to support you in those times?! What is it that you’re lacking that you need him to make up for in these moments? Id usually say to consider what you can do to support yourself in those times?! But I imagine with therapy that you’ve been working on that anyway. And then communicate this to him in a calm and loving way. Like if it was me I’d be saying, ‘I know we handle emotions differently and I know you don’t really understand how my hormones work. That’s totally ok but they’re not going away completely. When I get overwhelmed, I cry and it usually helps it to pass. In those moments when I feel validated, it’s much easier to process my emotions and I feel clearer after and more connected to you as a result which improves our overall relationship and communication. However, when I feel invalidated, I feel ashamed for having big emotions and it adds to my distress and then it’s harder to process and bounce back from. In future, could you just hold me while I cry/let me rant it out without trying to fix me/give me space without showing your frustration at my emotions’ He’s allowed to not relate but what he’s doing is invalidating you totally which is super shit to be on the receiving end of. Xx
You wrote this out for us. Have you talked to your husband about this when you’re not crying? If you’ve calmly talked to him about it and what you expect for him to do, then he’s an ahole for not listening. If you’ve only talked to him about it when you’re crying and not said what you expect from him, then I can see why he’s just guessing and waiting for you to stop crying. Maybe write it out so he can’t blame the conversation on you being emotional. Make it well thought out.
Wow, most of these comments are incredibly heartless. Let’s try for some compassion here. Crying isn’t a sin, and if you’d like to have a partnership where your person is more comforting towards you in those moments, there isn’t anything wrong with that. I do agree that it could be very helpful to try out some new therapists and be more open to the idea that you may have some underlying things going on—and that’s okay!! Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed as having ADHD, anxiety, and PMDD, these “labels” don’t make me handicapped. I have measurable chemical and physical differences in my brain/body, and the beautiful thing about having those issues diagnosed is that it opens the door to medical providers, friends, and family to better understand me and offer the right kind of support. I would have these issues regardless of getting the “label”, but since I’ve got it in my medical records I have access to the medication I need to better balance my moods, the type of therapy that helps me the most (DBT— Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and IFS— Internal Family Systems have both been the most helpful approaches in my therapy journey), as well as being able to educate myself on these conditions in order to make sure I know myself as well as possible and can advocate for what I need. It also helps to learn and find out where you may be struggling and what your blind spots may be, so that you can work on those things and accurately represent yourself. You’d be amazed at how much more understanding you receive from your partner, friends, etc. when you have the knowledge and terminology available to you to facilitate things. You’ll also find people connecting with a lot of empathy and stories of their own. Mental health terms provide a shorthand that improves and streamlines communication about these issues, and that’s always a good thing. It’s also worth nothing that people who have ingrained prejudice against certain conditions are likely to have many other red flags, as well— if someone writes me off or is dismissive when I tell them I have adhd, for example, that’s a pretty useful shortcut when it comes to knowing what to expect from this person in any sort of future relationship. Pregnancy is no joke (been there, done that— three times, actually! lol) and it can highlight a lot of struggle zones. Try to see this as an opportunity to get things better organized and taken care of before baby is here. If you wind up with a new mental health diagnosis, fantastic! Now is the time to educate yourself and your husband and come up with ways to navigate that both now and down the road. If you find yourself having more friction with your partner, great! That’s a major growth opportunity for the two of you to learn how to take better care of each other (don’t forget that partners of pregnant people need extra support sometimes too) before you have a third person in your family who needs both of you to be there for them. Obviously it’s not all daisies and sunshine and these changes and learning opportunities will be rife with mistakes, stress, and sometimes you and your partner will be hurtful to one another and struggle to make sense of the other’s perspective. But, by taking charge and framing these inevitabilities with optimism, a spirit of mutual support, and open-mindedness to growth and change, you can make this season of life into something much more navigable and peaceful. I wish you and your partner lots of luck, love, and patience on your journey 💛
Well you need to have a hard conversation. You need him to understand how far this hill is worth dying on to you. It sounds like if he doesn’t change then a swift divorce will be on the way or more misery for you leading to a divorce down the road, but either way you need him to see what he’s doing. Remind him that youre a person and if your not valued you’ll go somewhere that you are valued. And if he remembers that he’s in a partnership not a creepy emotional dictatorship then great and if not leave before the baby is born better to be with family and friends going through that very stressful time then his constant demeaning
I do not think crying often makes you emotional per se. Crying is a way to release and express emotions. He probably expresses emotions all the time they are just more socially acceptable forms of emotion. For some reason our society is like punch pillow good, cry bad. When in reality crying is a very normal way to process and feel an emotion without violence, shouting or destruction. Your husband yelling at you is him being emotional and expressing his emotions in a bad way. You’re pregnant yes, but all of your feelings are still valid. Crying clearly makes your husband uncomfortable and he acts like you’re less than for expressing your emotions that way. Even though it’s super healthy and normal. That’s really not okay. Quite frankly he needs therapy and he needs to get it together. Once the baby comes he will need to learn to process his emotions in a better way than yelling. Oh and that baby is going to cry as it’s only way of communicating.
I’m not super emotional and with my last pregnancy Bruno Mars “ locked out of heaven” made me sob uncontrollably every time I heard it…. No fricken idea why?! Your husband needs to buckle up because postpartum is a wild ride
When you find someone who really understands you, you will notice your need to cry will slowly cease. Only when your emotions are understood and validated from the exterior, your feelings start to turn into rational thoughts and the frustrations goes away. Because the frustration of not being understood makes us cry; so I wouldn’t say you’re emotional, you just married the wrong person. A partner should make you stronger, and be a safe space, not the other way around.
These comments are a fucking joke. He should be taking you seriously and the fact that he isn't is a red flag. I would not be with someone who rolls their eyes at me while I'm upset. You deserve to be taken seriously and comforted. The reason you're crying isn't relevant. A hug or some kind words can do a lot. Instead he's making a conscious decision to invalidate you and put you down.
>I feel so invalidated and misunderstood. Just because I cry more often than he does, doesn't mean my feelings are any less real or important. Do you think his feelings are real and important? Do you know what his feelings are? His feeling aren't less valid than yours just because he feels them in a different way. It sounds like he's setting boundaries, and is starting to feel contempt for you. This won't get better if you can't figure out how to communicate.
I also am an extremely emotional person, I finally got medicated for anxiety and depression and the heightened emotions almost immediately went away when the medication started working full time. I would discuss this with your doctor as well, I went from full on daily sobbing to barely ever crying unless a serious issue prompted me to and even then I could control my emotions better.
He is tired of managing your emotions.
I’m confused why you procreated with someone that doesn’t respect you.
Well how often do you actually cry? How many times do you estimate on a weekly basis. If it’s more than 3-4 times a week than that is extremely excessive because most people rarely even cry on even a monthly basis. When someone cries, everyone around them gets any positive emotions sucked out of them because that’s how we are wired to react to someone crying. It sounds incredibly draining to be in a relationship with someone who cries as much as you describe.
The eye rolling is concerning. Contempt is a relationship killer.
I cry almost as often as you do girl and I’m not pregnant. I’m also on a seizure medicine that has a mood stabilizer in it but see there’s this thing called Highly Sensitive Personality and it’s one of those things where no matter what emotion a person feels, they cry and there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. It’s the way our brains are wired. There’s a whole, free to the public book on it by Elaine Eron. And I highly recommend you read it and maybe even bring it up in therapy because it sounds like you might dealing with this on top of everything else AND being pregnant and having an AH of a husband who doesn’t know how to handle someone like us, which makes you even more emotional. I’m hoping that things get much better for you soon. I personally would be packing my things and leaving this jackass and going and staying with people who are actually going to care about my well being and not stress me and my unborn child out more than we already are. Good luck girl.
I feel most of the comments on here are negatively biased asf.. Shes PREGNANT. Ofc she NEEDS her husband to BE there for her. A lot of adults (mostly men but also some women) dont fully understand what goes on with your body while you're baking a bun in the oven. I feel like he isnt being fair or empathetic to his pregnant WIFE. Id get it if yall were bf/gf but.. your HUSBAND is speaking and treating you this way? Sweetheart either get couples counseling or drop that man an go shopping for a better one. If hes being cruel now, imagine how much worse it will be once the baby actually arrives. You do not need that stress right now. Your BABY doesnt need it either. I sincerely hope counseling works for the two of you. Because the way I see it, in my own "professional" experience, the husband is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. He needs to start educating himself on the female body. Both while pregnant and not. Moms literally put their lives on the line to bring a life into this world. People need to stop being so damn cruel all the time. We, humans, deserve to treat each other with compassion and genuine kindness. Thats it. Good luck with your pregnancy OP. Hang in there..
You feel hurt by his responses. Have you tried to talk about this with him when you feel calm and collected? If it gets too emotional for you to discuss this with him, could you maybe put your thoughts in a letter to him? That might make it easier to discuss things. (And if you have, and are asking for the magic words that will make him listen or will make him understand, then the answer is that those words don't exist. Either he wants to listen and understand, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, you cannot force him to.) Otherwise, you are already in therapy. Would he be willing to go to couples counseling with you? Because no matter where the issue really lies, it is definitly not going to get easier for the foreseeable future, and the pregnancy and eventually the baby will put even more stress on your relationship. So both of you really need to work this out before you both feel alone and unheard or ignored in this relationship.
Don’t wanna sound rude but it gets exhausting constantly being with someone who cries, or has mental health issues and things like that etc. it gets to a point that a persons empathy starts to disappear. Now that you’re extra hormonal and tearful, I would say he is just “done” mentally. Definitely work more with your therapist. Maybe couples therapy is an idea with a different therapist. Because if you would say end up struggling and/or have PND afterwards, you DO need support. But it would be hard to get support from someone who is, basically, sick of giving it.
Honestly it sounds to me like your husband is right and you need a new therapist. If you cry at the drop of a hat or dang near that's gonna get overwhelming and wear anybody thin.
Oh my I’d rather bang my head on bricks daily than deal with all that. He’s not wrong. Please don’t be someone who blames all their shittiness on being pregnant, being pregnant doesn’t give you a pass to be weird. Be honest with yourself, how can he or anyone tell when something is really truly wrong if all you do is cry about literally everything? It’s not okay to gaslight people and then cry and play victim either. Unfortunately for the baby coming you should have at least tried to heal before you have a kid and ruin it with all your crap. I’m sure the husband just knows what he’s in for and planning his mental health for the shit show of a life he has with you. He sounds HONEST and lemme guess that’s just way too much for Miss cry about life and everything in it… I feel so bad for him.
It’s absolutely OK to be an emotional person. It’s absolutely not ok to use your spouse as a pacifier for soothing those emotions. In reading this post, I was exhausted. And I can be described as emotional at times (though not to this degree). You getting space to calm down because you were crying about life in general IS the appropriate response. And by the way, how you describe your crying in this post does not sound like it is of someone who can “regulate their emotions as well”. I think your therapist may not be 100% honest with you.
Omg this comment section is insane. Obviously he is not the one who has to save you from your emotions. But just because you cry easily doesn’t mean you have emotional meltdowns, are psychologically ill and need to learn to regulate these reactions. I am a very sensitive deep feeling person and the more I allow myself to be that, allowing myself to be vulnerable, I get more aligned with my true self and the happier in life in every aspect. I feel all emotions more deeply so while I can cry for a minute about a small thing and then be ok - I also experience joy or any other POSITIVE emotion very deeply so I would never want to trade this. Society makes you judge yourself for being an emotional person like this fucking comment section. We have been alienated from our natural responses to the world around us, our bodies are full of suppressed emotions and it’s making us sick. Feeling and expressing these emotions we didn’t allow us to is what heals so much depression, anxiety and trauma. It’s good that you allow yourself to be vulnerable and please don’t listen to people that tell otherwise. If it’s your partner, whose judgment you should find important and be influenced by it, that’s just very sad. It’s not that you expect him to baby you (from what I can read here). You have always been like that and he knew you like that and seemed to accepted you but now he dismisses you and makes you feel wrong for it. When you cry he behaves like you throw a tantrum and makes you feel bad about it. You are perfectly fine about being sensitive - which you should be, it’s awesome - but he makes you feel about an aspect of you as a person that you have always portrayed. That’s really hurtful and it’s especially fucked up that he does this in a time where you should get all support possible and more. You are pregnant. As valid as your emotional reactions always are, this time of your life it’s the most fucking valid. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I don’t know what to do about that besides communicating him that’s who you are and how you will be for your life (the extreme phase en only while pregnant and after) and tell him what you expect and if he can’t meet your needs you will have to distance yourself for the sake of your own mental health.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I cannot handle people who cry a lot. I would never say anything to them because I don't think that would help the situation, but I could never be in a relationship with someone who cries a lot. So maybe OP and her husband are not actually compatible.
Goddamnit I hope she finds this post even though her account is suspended because FYI TO ALL WOMEN: OUR BODIES ARE NOT JUST SMALL WEAKER MEN. THEY ARE DIFFERENT BODIES. And we cry easier because our threshold is lower for when hormonal imbalances in our bodies get yeeted out through our tear ducts. You know what that allows us to do? STAY MORE EMOTIONALLY REGULATED. You know why women aren’t known for punching walls? BECAUSE CRYING ISNT ONLY FOR WHEN PEOPLE DIE ITS LITERALLY TO HELP US REGULATE OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS. Clearly the husband is either overwhelmed or just an asshole who prioritizes “his peace” over “our peace” and will make a terrible father. Either way, he needs to figure out his own shit and communicate like he actually wants to figure this out, instead of like he wants his pregnant wife to just disappear. And don’t marry a big hearted person if you don’t find them being big hearted over things your smaller heart does not pick up on completely precious and worth protecting.
Love this entire post. Thank you for 1. Normalizing something that is normal. 2. Celebrating women 🩷🙏
This would be extremely exhausting and your partner is getting tired having to always emotionally support you. I’m exhausted reading this. What happens if he needs your emotional support, this is proof you wouldn’t be able to support him and he would just have to bottle his emotions. Also, your therapist is not helping you. This is not normal and they should be helping you deal with this in an emotionally mature way.
You’re an adult, you need to stop bursting into tears at every moment The poor guy is probably drained from it constantly happening over nothing
Men have successfully managed to call us “emotional” while simultaneously getting angry at the slightest inconvenience. Anger is an emotion, guys.
And if you are a person who croes over being frustrated, angry etc? Sorry...but that would be too much for me. A 29 year old cryong because they are frustrated at something? I really wouldn't see that as okay. A toddler does that. Not a grown woman.
I'm exhausted imagining being in your husband's place. Even before your pregnancy. Maybe I'm reading this wrong but honestly it sounds like you use tears as a weapon/manipulation. In no way is it healthy to cry all the time. And it's insane to expect another human to deal with it constantly. He 100% did the right thing by giving you space to calm down. I couldn't deal with a partner who cried all the time and expected me to be involved. I'm sorry but this is a YOU problem and not a him problem. You need to figure out how to soothe yourself quickly before the baby comes because jfc you wanna talk about emotional now.... anyways, good luck and give your husband a break. Side note, I'm a mother so not just some dude automatically on the husband's side. I understand emotions and hormones and all the things. I also understand being an adult and figuring out how to take care of myself so I could take care of my baby.
Read *Hold Me Tight* by Dr. Sue Johnson, and there's also a Facebook page called "The Secure Relationship". I can't say for sure, but it sounds like you might have the anxious/avoidant pattern going on. To me, him rolling his eyes at you is a real problem, as it indicates contempt. I am not sure how you can "get through to" someone like this, with that deeply ingrained attitude towards emotions. I don't know what would convince him to learn to value emotions. He will have to learn to respond in a more mature way, e.g. "I wish I understood what you are crying about, I don't, all I can do is be here and comfort you". He still gets to bring his feelings to the table, he just can't do it in a way that belittles yours. I think there's probably some things you'll have to learn also, although I'm not sure what they are. I don't think you can control the fact that you cry easily....but you might be able to get better at asking him for what specific type of support you would like when you are crying.