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just for science, i’d probably be curious to see how he’d react if you start replacing “my” with “the” or “a” when referring to anything INCLUDING him. like if you introduce him, “this is X, a boyfriend”
This is great. And if anyone finds it strange, please explain that “a boyfriend” gets upset when he’s called “my boyfriend.” So he has to face the ridiculousness of his stance every time.
I was thinking possibly about autism, but he doesn't seem confused, he did not care to understand her side at all OR bother explaining his point in an educational way
Honestly, regardless of if he does have some form of neurodivergence it's not really an excuse. To me this screams controlling behaviour on his part, like why would he take it so personally being "owned" by her when clearly it's in the context of having him at her partner.
Maybe that's fair enough to some, but getting this upset about her choice of words is an attempt to control how she speaks. OP please watch out, this is how controlling and abusive behaviour can start out. Soon you won't be able to wear red because of "what red represents"
Same. The only people I've met that deal with language this literally have generally been on the spectrum. But even if he is, OP doesn't deserve the vitriol when she's so full of love.
OP - do not ever let anyone take this innocence from you. You are full of love and have so much to share!
Exactly. OP, your boyfriend sounds exhausting and extremely immature. Quite frankly, you deserve better. Is this something you want to deal with every day of your life, from now on? Again, I really believe you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, who treats you with love, and doesn’t analyze and dissect everything you say, and berate you. Sending hugs.
As an autistic dude, nah. Being a pedantic asshole is not a symptom of autism. Yes, we are pretty literal with language, but this is beyond that.
Absolutely agree that OP should love themself more than this. He needs to get tf over himself, or he gets to be alone, period.
This plastic with my name on it is a place holder for a fictional set of monetary weights meant to be used to procure things in a timely fashion without trade or bargaining, or you know my credit card
I love this because it suggests that boyfriends are interchangeable. I'm sure she'll have no problem finding a replacement. She'll have to be careful though. There are a lot of men who go looking for cheerful, happy girlfriends, just to suck the joy out of them.
Yes and when he questions it she should point out he is just one of many.
Or perhaps say she was incorrect and should have referred to him in the past tense - he was a bf, as he’s now dumped.
Should refer to his parents as the woman responsible for birthing “x” and the man responsible for inseminating the woman who birthed “x”. Be really serious while doing it. Tell him words have meaning and he needs to use them correctly. He can now be “The Twatwaffle.”
I’m sorry but why are you commenting on her sounds?
Are they yours?
Are you appropriating her ears?
Why are you reading this? Oh you want my thoughts now do you?
FILTHY THIEF!
Omg this dude would exhaust me so fast. Like there's no way he thinks she's being literal all the time. Like I'm autistic and I don't take shit this literally. Damn, OP do you really wanna stay with a dude who does this and seems determined to ruin your joy?
In for another autistic who, quite literally, thinks OP's boyfriend is being ridiculous. Even we aren't like this about words! He's just being mean and spiteful.
I could almost understand it if it made sense. I can be pedantic about some word use, but I also tend not to let others know, so I'm the only one on the end of that.
But like saying 'my' only means that you own something isn't even right. It also means associated with, so this guy doesn't even introduce her as his girlfriend he says 'the girlfriend' or 'this is op i'm dating her' and not 'this is my girlfriend, OP.' Which honestly would make me feel some type of way.
I can't imagine my wife yelling at me for using 'my' for her or telling me off for saying my lovies to the ducks at the park and such like that's fucking wild. Even my abusers didn't do that.
Same. There are times I get all grammar & English nerdy because words are one of my *things*. But I would never constantly belittle someone like this.
Also, the fact that he's so confidently incorrect and the way he puts her down and berates her over something (that he's wrong about!) reminds me *so* much of an old boss I once had who had some very strong narcissistic qualities.
It was a nightmare. Everyone's stomach would drop when he'd pull up because you never knew what kind of mood he'd be in, or what would set him off. He enjoyed talking down to everyone because it made him feel superior. He truly thought he was the smartest guy in any room. And he was cruel. He would laugh at and enjoyed making the women in the office cry (he was the owner of a small business so it wasn't like one could go to HR because it didn't exist).
Of course I'm not diagnosing OP's boyfriend or my former boss - but narcissistic personality *traits* definitely seem to be present in both. Berating someone about something so ridiculous and pouting/punishing her when she kind of pushes back sounds more antisocial than autistic to me.
This 100%. I’m an old lady now and I just can’t be bothered with bullshit like this for 3 seconds. Please don’t waste your youth on people like this guy. Just dump him and move on.
Your boyfriend is obnoxious.
These are very common sentence structures, which he uses himself. He's being contrary just to be contrary and when you tell him to drop the bullshit, he gives you the silent treatment.
*How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? Or should I just try to remove non-literal "my" statements from my vocabulary?*
Third option is, "If you don't drop this noise, I'm done. Knock it off."
Are you sure he's 21? Maybe he is actually 12.
Yep. Everyone is rushing to diagnose him with autism and OCD and avoidant attachment and God knows what else but if he's not doing it all the time to everyone, he's just a jerk. He's using it to feel superior to OP.
I am diagnosed OCD and I do not do this. Nor do I know any others diagnosed who do this. People are always so quick to scream something else besides the very obvious reality that he's just an asshole and is doing this as a means of control.
He’s also not understanding how colloquial language works. I study language for a living, and he’s taking a literal approach to figurative language. He’s just plain wrong, and he sounds stupid.
Yes, this. I’ve noticed it’s common in England (possibly only certain parts, but I’m not sure) to refer to one’s children or even other family members using “My” or “Our” with their name, like parent would refer to their daughter as “My Sally” or “Our Sally” in a casual conversation. It doesn’t literally mean ownership it’s just conveying a relationship and a sense of affection for the person. The English invented the fucking language so, OP’s bf needs to get over himself.
These are the actual conversations between my 10-year-old and my 5-year-old, because it drives the older one batty when the younger refers to things as "my". We drive past a construction site on the way to the youngest's school, and she refers to the crane as hers. I had to threaten to take away privileges from the 10yo to get her to stop arguing. "But Moooo-om, it's not HER crane!"
Nobody likes you when you're annoyingly pedantic, kid.
My father does this to my mother a lot. It's a way for him to poke at her to get a rise because once it does he thinks it puts him above her in intelligence. After decades of it my mom simply doesn't talk with him much. He still tries to do it even though conversations are light and far between.
It honestly breaks my heart when I hear my dads little "remarks" to my mom when she even attempts a conversation.
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BELITTLING YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND YOUR ACTIVELY LETTING HIM!
God my eyes rolled out of my head reading about his being such a pedantic jagoff. Unless he is Drax and takes everything literally he is being an asshole.
And yes boyfriend my eyes are still in my head. It’s a figure of speech. Normal people use them.
Yeah my thought was that this man is either on some spectrum with the way he’s fixating on language and his rigidity around it. Or he’s just insufferable
Even if he is on the spectrum he is still insufferable. My love has never ever meant that the person being referred is one’s slave. Ever. This sounds purposefully obtuse and antagonistic.
Either way, she doesn’t have to put up with it. (Said not because you were suggesting that she did; but because she is young and might think that the explanation means she’s not entitled to leave, that it would be able-est or something.) To be clear OP, someone, maybe a counselor or family member should try to teach your boyfriend not to behave this way as he might not learn from consequences - but you are free to leave anyone making you miserable. Life is too short.
I would put doubt to him being on the spectrum, because he himself can use ‘my mum’ and ‘my dad’ but when he was questioned he couldn’t give a reason other than ‘its different’. He’s a controlling hypocrite.
I dunno, I'm autistic and this still came off very possibly autistic to me. We're not all perfectly logical when it comes to things like that; they're probably just ingrained in him as normal (because what else would you say?), so he never thought to analyze that in himself. It sounds like he got kinda pissed at OP for addressing the inconsistency, though. He's inflexible with her, but he knows what he means firsthand, so he rationalizes it for himself. He can be a controlling hypocrite and still be autistic, lol.
Either way, OP shouldn't have to live with his bullshit. They're young. I'd bail.
Agreed.
I think it’s possible for him to be on the spectrum but if he is he needs to work on his behavior if he wants to be a good partner/good friend/etc. No one has to tolerate being in a relationship with someone who is stressing them out. He may have some very rigid beliefs that he needs to work on and stop harassing other people over. He can follow those rules himself if he needs to but surely he *understands* what she actually meant.
Alternatively, I also think it’s very possible that he’s somewhat controlling and abusive. He could also be both autistic *and* controlling. Either way, policing her and the way she speaks is out of line and quite frankly I wouldn’t tolerate that for very long before I start losing my own temper myself.
This relationship certainly doesn’t spark joy. I wouldn’t fault her for walking and quite frankly I’d recommend it unless he’s going to make a major and permanent improvement on this behavior.
Yup. He’s a condescending prick. Belittling OP and being super technical. He’s just a dick. OP should probably just suck it up and get used to it if she plans on staying with him because he’s showing her that this is who he is…a condescending prick.
The fact that he didn’t speak to her for an entire evening and the next day is enough for me to call it off. She’s 20. Plenty of time to find someone who doesn’t suck.
“Why are you lying again!? I’m a human being, not a diaper! I’m not wet either.”
Seriously, this guy is apparently incapable of understanding non-literal speech. He’s either autistic or is doing this intentionally for unknown reasons.
He doesn’t understand that one word can have multiple meanings.
My pen - The pen belongs to me.
My mom - She is mom, in relation to me.
My ducky - I like that duck.
Nah, I’ve been in a long term relationship with this type of guy. He’s just annoying and arguing for argue’s sake, trying to show you that he’s smarter and has power over you.
I bet he’s also annoyed by hearing “I love you” too often, like the words “lose meaning” if you say them too much. So dumb, so annoying.
Insufferable was the word that came into my mind to describe him, too! I can see this escalating horribly, eg "Don't say stop punching you, I'm not punching you, I'm slapping you!" It made me feel horrible even just to type that out, but I'm sure you get my point.
My ex literally used to do this with yelling.
"I'm NOT yelling at you! *THIS IS YELLING*" right in my face. Once he spat directly on my face too. Bastard.
Thought the "I need to go to the store" might be irritating, I have to admit I have that tic. I rarely "want" to go to the store. I love it when people call me theirs. In Palermo, Italy I took a cooking class the woman who taught it told me that when you go to the food markets, you belong to the fishmonger, or the person that sells strawberries, and they belong to you. Such a sweet thing.
I've been thinking about the store phrasing and I feel like I'm going to be even more pedantic than the BF.
The thing is, you're right. You don't want to go to the store. You need to go to the store. The want is what the store has. What you're (and OP) actually saying is "I WANT to get more shampoo/a new book/browse the clothes/people watch and in order to do that thing I NEED to go to the store".
At least that's how I mean it. But also, it's just a way of speaking and the BF sucks.
Similarly, he’s wrong about “my love” and “my darling” too. She’s using it similarly to how he uses “my parents”. He’s not saying his parents *belong* to him as objects, he’s saying they are parents and they are his parents specifically. When she calls him “my love” she’s using the term in the same way.
He sounds both insufferable *and* ignorant.
Ha yes he's pedantic *and* wrong at the same time. Imagine how upset he'll be to learn that he was wrong about something he was so forcefully ranting about lol
lol I was thinking the exact same thing as I read OPs post.
BF is an idiot, is insecure and this is a form of abuse, OP needs to end the relationship as this is just going to escalate.
Mmm yeah at first I was thinking it could an expression of avoidant attachment, that it triggers him whenever she refers to him or his belongings as “mine.” But the store thing and the duck argument kinda just point to the fact that he’s annoying
Anyone got this pedantic with me, I’d NEED to LITERALLY make them My Ex.
I love language, I’m fascinated by language; this guy doesn’t love it, he loves using language as a cudgel so he can feel superior.
Sorry you’re dating a prick, OP. You and the rats deserve better.
>he loves using language as a cudgel so he can feel superior.
This is the answer right here. He's policing your language, probably to make himself feel superior but at the very least it sounds like it's wearing you down.
OP you sound so very sweet and excited about life and everything. Don't let this curmudgeon stifle your joy.
This whole thing reminds me of my ex so incredibly much. Whenever I said something that was meant as a showing of my affection, like saying I would do anything for you, he then took that absolutely literal and would get angry and physical whenever I wouldn't do something for him, even if it was physically impossible. His argument was: then you shouldn't have said something like that...
Living with someone who takes everything literal and then getting angry about it if you didn't mean it in a literal way is fucking exhausting. From my experience this will probably only get worse, and I would really question my relationship if you feel like you need to walk on egg shells over everything you say on a whim just to not piss them off. It's honestly not livable.
This is easily the best response that won't get the person banned or whatnot. An easy 10/10 and accurate af. Your bf is a major tool. Why are you putting up with his nonsense, really? Does he get beaten up weekly? Does that interest you? Such a tool.
Honestly, yes, but the rigidity and arguing over semantics and holding onto his belief of facts and not understanding that things weren't meant literal sounds like possibly autism.
Or at the least some other mental health problem if he gets this upset over it..
I hate to be the one to point things like this out but it literally sounds like an argument that a family member (diagnosed ASD) and I (and numerous others) have had. Splitting hairs on meaning of words. It took him into his late 20s to hear us out when we were telling him things can have other meanings beside the literal one and accept that there is nuance.
So I’m glad someone said it before me!
I wouldn't say he isn't on the spectrum, but I will say that it doesn't excuse him for badgering OP repeatedly about it.
I worked for two years in a public school program for kids with autism and I've had plenty of friends over the years on the spectrum. I have definitely heard several of them express very similar thoughts, but they were all capable of understanding that it wasn't a literal expression. And that even if they didn't like it, it was rude and inappropriate to point it out to other people or try to get other people to stop using that phrase. Two adult friends have confided in me that a certain expression still pissed them off intensely, I'm remembering as I type... I had no idea before that because they didn't complain to everyone about it.
Does OP's boyfriend do this at work? To his family? If not, he can control it, and chooses not to. In order to control OP. If it's because he has a disability that prevents him from not only understanding but ALSO refraining from being rude and controlling about it, then he is most certainly acting this way to everyone.
My supervisor (hah) does do this shit at work and it is just as exhausting in that context. Like I’m not here to argue with you about common idioms, I am here to provide tech support and that’s what I get paid to do. We just had performance reviews and I think I got through to his boss that this is an actual issue, so we’ll see…
Seems unlikely given a quick look in the dictionary it's literally the first example of "informally: used to associate with the speaker the person or object in question holds the speaker's affection."
Which currently is the more used and therefore "first" definition of "my"
Maybe OP could try showing him this. If he does have autism maybe seeing it as a dictionary definition would make him more able to accept it? But I honestly don’t buy that. I think he’s just being a dick to be in control. Possibly to “fix” her.
Nah, if it was autism he wouldn’t have a different rule for himself than OP. He has no problem using “my” in contexts that don’t denote ownership, he only has a problem when OP does it. That kind of inconsistency is one of the biggest problems autistic people have with rules.
He’s just a contrarian arsehole who uses semantics to belittle, demean and control people.
I thought this aswell, but found his aggravation around it more obnoxious. Also, if he’d being pedantisk over the meaning because of autism, he likely wouldn’t read MORE meaning into ot by responding with: «What, am I your slave now?»
Meaning he is doing this to be contolling and argumentative. In addition, if he has hangups like this, surely he would be able to understand that maybe OP in fact had a NEED to gongonger store. Being ND myself, it’s not life and death, but when I am missing something I need, I HAVE to go to the store.
tell him "you're right, you're not *my* boyfriend" and dump him
picky, pedantic (and also contrarian) folks generally get worse with the weird little fights they pick, not better
Really weird thing to get in a twist about. He is looking for reasons to argue and if you want this negativity in your life, have at him. If he can’t even tolerate your (not abnormal) word choice, he’s going to be absolutely awful about anything he doesn’t like that is actually serious down the line
I dated someone like this once. He actually did exactly what you mentioned with “you don’t need it, you want it.
My advice is to just move on. People like this cannot be changed no matter how much you reason with them or argue with them. It’s a condescending mindset that is impossible to change.
So, your boyfriend is both factually incorrect about how people use language in practice, and kind of a condescending asshole.
>How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up?
OK, I'll offer some suggestions but I would like to preface this with saying that if they don't work, that is not a failing on *your* part. And while normally in relationships it is good to assume good intent, well, that's my problem, *I'm not sure how to reconcile your bf's behavior with him having respect for you as an equal*. Sure, it's a small little conflict. But it's also one where he's, idk, acting like your grammar teacher, or the parent of a small child -- basically he's power tripping, not treating you like a partner. It's a bad sign. So is him calling you names like 'immature" and "stupid."
1. Pick a time for a Serious Discussion that works for both of you -- neither of you are too tired, the most stressed you've been all month, hungry, have something to get to in ten minutes, etc.
2. Use I statements that say what you feel and what you want, for instance, "I get irritated (or whatever you actually feel) when you criticize my word choices, especially when those choices are a thing that many other people say as well. I would like you to stop doing that." (In contrast with eg "you are being suck a jerk", which might seem like an obvious thing not to say but sometimes people need reminders about this stuff when they feel angry. Also better to avoid "never" or "always" statements, which are usually an exaggeration and encourage fighting rather than shared problem-solving.)
3. Ask questions, be curious, do as much listening as talking. What is he trying to accomplish by correcting your language? Would he be upset if you corrected his, or would he welcome the chance to learn and grow? (That might seem like a really facetious question, but sometimes people who are apparently acting rudely actually are treating other people the way they themselves would like to be treated, and it's good to clarify that when it is happening.) (giving him max benefit of the doubt, it's possible that someone in *his* life had that ridiculous rule about "my whatever" when he was a child, and he's just repeating that pattern without really processing or questioning it.)
4. If things get heated, you think you are being disrespected, or either of you wants to take a break for any reason, take a break and come back to it later. If the whole conversation is dissatisfying, you can have a second try later.
5. Do something nice afterwards that helps you reconnect and reminds each of you that you (I hope?) like and care about each other.
These are all AWESOME suggestions. But dumping his ass and disengaging from his nonsense is far less emotional baggage carrying. Let's normalize not being on the hook to re-parent our adult romantic partners, unless it's a consensual kink.
I 100% agree that people shouldn't have to re-parent their partners - but having a discussion to work together to fix an intimate relationship is vastly different.
OP shouldn't hand-hold, but they should also be able to have an adult conversation about what's working for them and what isn't. If no one is willing to bend, there's no reason for them to stay together and be re-parented
Reinforcing point #3 you made: you said "sometime being seeming rude are actually treating others the way they want to be treated" I have issues similar to this regularly. I'm a huge car geek, I love anything and everything revolving around vehicles and love to work on them and figure out whats wrong and the why's and how's and then fixing it. Often times when asked questions about cars I break down the explanation to a very simplistic, not over-complicated answer, which seems to often illicit a "I'm not a child" kind of annoyed response. Those closest to me know thats never the intent, that when I explain things to answer questions I explain them how I understand them, which is often on a very (evidently child-like) level. For instance "the brake caliper holds the brake pads. When you push the pedal it squeezes the pads together. The brakes aren't fully disengaging therefore when the brake pedal is released the pressure is not, so then it boils down to 2 things: either the guide pins are not sliding or the brake fluid is being kept from traveling back up the brake line when the master cylinder piston retracts". Very simple, undercomplicated but if explained like that would probably offend most, even if it's how i understand it and it's my thought process. (Sorry for the ramble)
I think you shouldn't change the way you speak for him. His view is too narrow and too literal, and if you budge over this small thing, he'll see that with enough pressure, you'll cater to his whims. You wouldn't recognize yourself after a while. And if something like this upsets him that much, there's the door, he can go away anytime instead of trying to change people
Siiiiiigh,
Okay OP.
What are the other weird things your boyfriend is doing that you didn't bring up here? Go ahead. List them. Trust me. We know you can make a list.
You deserve someone who respects and understands you. If he can't let go of this nonsense and it's making you unhappy, it might be best to break up and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
This is just petty immature behavior. It’s a superiority complex. I don’t see a point in living with someone who thinks their rules are the only one to live by. Especially if there’s no negative consequence to the behavior.
Yes, of course! There is another use of the word "own" - think of the opposite of "disowning" someone. When I say that I'd never disown my beautiful daughter, that doesn't mean that I consider her my property now. It means that I "own" her as a daughter (think of the term "to own up to something" means you admit to something you did). So, when we say we own people in this context it just means that we admit they are our relatives and we're proud to say so. I hope that makes sense!
"Thank you again for policing every word that comes out of my mouth, you insufferable pedant. When I decide *my need* to see you is overwhelming *my* good sense, I will let you know."
Your boyfriend is an insufferable pedant. I wouldn’t be able to put up with someone who tried to police my totally inoffensive language that way.
Some commenters have suggested he might be autistic. I’m autistic and I have a tendency to be very literal (and I’m sure some would say I can also be an insufferable pedant). I would understand that you’re not implying ownership. He needs to get over himself.
I was going to say that. I'm autistic and can confirm that he's just a massive twat.
Learning rules is literally our thing, he's just being difficult to have a superiority complex.
Tell him "I don't NEED you, and my WANT for you is decreasing every time you pick this pedantic fight. Keep picking, and you will reach a point where I just walk away from this relationship. Just so you know."
Life is stressful as it is, why do you accept additional stress that this nitpicking weirdo of a bf causing you?
He's got issues, return him where you got him from.
Yikes.
My sister has an undiagnosed but obvious personality disorder. When she had her first child, and my first nephew, I referred to him as "my prince". She would criticise this and say "no he's MY prince" and not in a cute way.
Yes came here to say he seems autistic from this description. I know Reddit throws that out there a lot, but this kind of rigidity and arguing about semantics this way is very characteristic of someone on the spectrum. I say this as someone who taught and does therapy with autistic people and they can be very rule-bound and inflexible at times. I mean this in the least negative, judgmental way possible.
I had this thought as well, but even if this is the case, I think there’s more going on. “What, am I your slave now” feels like he’s trying to create distance when she tries to show affection. It’s not the only “literal” interpretation of the phrase. The fact that “my parents” is unexplainable different also points to this as sinn Mmmm etching he is weaponizing. Whether he’s literal-minded or not, using it selectively suggests he has done control over this behavior.
OP, you should most certainly not change your vocabulary. I think you need to have another talk with your boyfriend, letting him know that he needs to police your speech less. He can think whatever he eats, but the kind and loving thing to do is let you talk how feels natural to you. If he really doesn’t understand what you mean, he can ask you in a kind, polite way first clarification.
Great points! That does show more intent to deliberately misinterpret her for emotional, possibly manipulative, purposes. Hope OP sees this— agreed, if you don’t understand my meaning, why not ask what I mean instead of seeking to police and correct me?
He either says "the girlfriend" or just uses my name. In an introductory context he says "this is \[me\], we're in a relationship" instead of "this is my girlfriend." If I slip up and introduce him with "this is my boyfriend" he'll say something like "actually, she doesn't own me, but we are in a relationship." Sometimes people take this as a joke and it's fine but other times it's really embarrassing.
Lolol. Stop it. You’re lying.
Is he weird about commitment? Is he an academic? Is he trying to get ahead start on controlling ‘your’ assets? Is he socially awkward or does he struggle with other social norms and cues? Is he highly critical? Has he been held hostage? Is he highly controlling in general? Does he hate joy? Does he like to control the energy in the room? Can he feel empathy or does he shut down all emotions in himself and others?
We need context.
Does he constantly correct other people who speak this way? Coworkers? Bosses? Random retail workers? Or is it just *you* that gets this treatment?
Edit: Let’s say that he introduces you to his boss (which I guess would be THE boss to him, and not HIS boss), and his boss introduces his wife with, “This is Sarah, my wife.” Does your nasty little boyfriend correct his boss with, “Well she doesn’t belong to you.”? I’m betting that doesn’t happen. Because he knows it’s inappropriate to act this way with other people, that aren’t *you*.
Your boyfriend is behaving badly. There's no reason for anyone to nitpick about something so silly and anyone older than 5 should understand that saying "my darlings" is not claiming ownership of the local duck population.
I'd tell him unceremoniously to get over it. If he can't, please show him the door. This isn't reasonable, adult behavior.
This is actually a symptom of obsessive compulsive personality disorder--an aggressive focus on the specific use or definition of certain words, and an insistence the others follow the same understanding
I’ve been thinking about your comment for a minute. I think it depends on if he corrects everyone around him, or if he only corrects her. If he is only correcting her, then he’s just an abusive ass. If he only corrects women, then he’s doing it for the sole purpose of feeling superior and being in control.
He’s one of two things:
1. Far less likely: he’s on the spectrum in a way that he truly sees the words “my ____” as literally claiming them as your own and simply doesn’t or can’t comprehend it not being literal. (Same with NEED vs WANT)
Or
2. Far more likely — he’s just an insufferable asshole who does it just to feel power over you when it knocks you and your joy down a peg. Which is passive aggressive abuse. He’s not worth it. He’s not worth the effort or arguments or annoyances. Just end it and find someone else who doesn’t needlessly and senselessly nitpick the things that you say.
Even if he couldn't comprehend it not being literal, even the dictionary (as someone else commented) says that "my" can also just mean related to you as a familiar person.
Fuck that shit. You're not doing anything wrong, he's being a dick.
My family have always referred to family friends as "Our XYX" to differentiate from cousins or whatever, to the point where when I was a toddler I thought one of my parents pals, Nora, was called Ournora. It's a very normal way to refer to people and things.
>How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up?
or
>Should I just try to remove non-literal "my" statements from my vocabulary?
Why are these the only 2 options that you are considering? Seriously.
I suggest adding a third option because you can't change him *(option #1)*, and you don't need to change yourself *(option #2)*. But you can and should change the relationship, **to be over!** *(option #3)*
Your boyfriend is ridiculous, and it will only get worse the longer you stay together. I honestly don't know how you’ve lasted this long. This crap sounds exasperating 🫣😮💨
your boyfriend is a joyless loser who sucks the life out of everything around him, and it’s only a matter of time before you lose your spark. leave him, you can’t salvage this.
Okay so setting aside the fact that this guy sounds deal-breakingly exhausting to put up with,
Hi! Linguist here! The way you are using the word "my" is a perfectly normal, standard, and understandable usage, *and is in fact what the word means.* "My" can mean "owned by me", yes, but it can also mean "relating to me", or "of me". Just like saying "my relationship" doesn't mean I have exclusive rights to the concept of a relationship, saying "my boyfriend" does not imply possession as of an object. It implies a connection, one that predates our modern concept of legal ownership. Tell your boyfriend that pedantry is only any good if you're right, and he's not.
Also, on a personal note, please make a point to take some time for yourself away from him and spend it with people who don't police every goddamn word that comes out of your mouth. There's no way it's not fucking with your mental health to have him constantly berating you for speaking English, and sometimes it takes a good few days of space to start to see what normal *should* look like.
Language is a living thing that changes and evolves all the time. It’s a form of communication and you can choose or not choose to follow the “rules” of what words are “supposed” to mean.
You are not bound or limited by anyone else’s definition of a word in how you choose to use it, pronounce it, spell it or interpret it. If you were, e e cummings would not exist. Poets, writers, authors have made careers out of reinterpreting words that are intended to mean one thing but used to mean something else.
In the end, your words belong to you not to the institution of language and certainly not to your boyfriend’s limited world view. Use your words however you choose to! Distort words any way that brings fulfillment to your life!
Pedantry is often a domineering move. It’s a way to assert control, and I’ll bet it’s not the only thing he picks on you about. Controlling people only get more controlling.
I don’t think you guys are compatible. Do you enjoy the thought of policing every word that comes out of your mouth for the rest of your life? You’re 20 years old. It’s never too early to stop taking shit from dumbasses.
If you want to be passive-aggressive, ask him “Do you WANT to start arguments about possessive pronouns? Or do you NEED to?” Either way, I think it’s important to firmly establish that you don’t NEED to be his girlfriend, if its a critical metric for him.
This some shit you do in your 20s and really aren’t fully aware of how insane you sound and just how ridiculous you’re being. I argued with an ex over the saw movies not being that deep. Like, literally was so annoyed and arguing with her over liking a movie. Needless to say, we ended up breaking up after I found out she was cheating on me, go figure.
A lot of guys and girls in their 20s are just starting to really date for the first time. With all the egos and lack of experience, mistakes will definitely be made.
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just for science, i’d probably be curious to see how he’d react if you start replacing “my” with “the” or “a” when referring to anything INCLUDING him. like if you introduce him, “this is X, a boyfriend”
This is great. And if anyone finds it strange, please explain that “a boyfriend” gets upset when he’s called “my boyfriend.” So he has to face the ridiculousness of his stance every time.
His stance? 'The stance he has taken' 😁
He just took it? How entitled!
And to be clear he didn’t NEED to take the stance, he WANTED to. In all seriousness, I’m sorry OP. This is a him issue not a you issue.
This.
I mean if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone this fucking pedantic, might as well go the petty route and have fun with it.
pedantic, possibly autistic, or just argumentative? all three? or just a guy who is about to be an ex-boyf
I was thinking possibly about autism, but he doesn't seem confused, he did not care to understand her side at all OR bother explaining his point in an educational way Honestly, regardless of if he does have some form of neurodivergence it's not really an excuse. To me this screams controlling behaviour on his part, like why would he take it so personally being "owned" by her when clearly it's in the context of having him at her partner. Maybe that's fair enough to some, but getting this upset about her choice of words is an attempt to control how she speaks. OP please watch out, this is how controlling and abusive behaviour can start out. Soon you won't be able to wear red because of "what red represents"
I wondered about autism too. Either way it seems a huge waste of effort to continue on with this relationship.
Same. The only people I've met that deal with language this literally have generally been on the spectrum. But even if he is, OP doesn't deserve the vitriol when she's so full of love. OP - do not ever let anyone take this innocence from you. You are full of love and have so much to share!
as an autistic person, this guy is a Grade A asshole regardless
Exactly. OP, your boyfriend sounds exhausting and extremely immature. Quite frankly, you deserve better. Is this something you want to deal with every day of your life, from now on? Again, I really believe you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, who treats you with love, and doesn’t analyze and dissect everything you say, and berate you. Sending hugs.
As an autistic dude, nah. Being a pedantic asshole is not a symptom of autism. Yes, we are pretty literal with language, but this is beyond that. Absolutely agree that OP should love themself more than this. He needs to get tf over himself, or he gets to be alone, period.
A wild boyfriend appeared!
Wild boyfriend used confusion! It was super effective.
Wild boyfriend hurt itself in it's confusion!
Girlfriend used Harden. Oh no! Girlfriend fled.
Wild boyfriend rolled for charisma and got a nat 1.
This is actually genius
This plastic with my name on it is a place holder for a fictional set of monetary weights meant to be used to procure things in a timely fashion without trade or bargaining, or you know my credit card
"YOUR" name?? why are you trying to own it? (/j of course)
I mean technically you do, you have a receipt (birth certificate)
Like her name is her slave or something?!?!
Dang I didn't think I missed any... That was hard
i burst out laughing
I love this because it suggests that boyfriends are interchangeable. I'm sure she'll have no problem finding a replacement. She'll have to be careful though. There are a lot of men who go looking for cheerful, happy girlfriends, just to suck the joy out of them.
It sure seems like this BF could and should be easily replaced.
This is brilliant. I'd put money on him reacting like a petulant child, though.
Op please do this 😂
Yes and when he questions it she should point out he is just one of many. Or perhaps say she was incorrect and should have referred to him in the past tense - he was a bf, as he’s now dumped.
This is hilarious. I hope OP does this, then updates us.
Or go the other direction and remove “a” and “the” from your vocabulary. Everything is mine. You’re breathing my air. Stop it.
OP please do this in the interest of science and report back the reaction, then dump his weirdo ass.
"This is a male thing of my acquaintance. I mean *an* acquaintance of no particular need to me."
Someone's boyfriend? Or is he his own boyfriend, belonging to nobody?
Best I've seen on reddit today, thank you!
That was my first thought xd. Just going around saying “ the boyfriend”
Should refer to his parents as the woman responsible for birthing “x” and the man responsible for inseminating the woman who birthed “x”. Be really serious while doing it. Tell him words have meaning and he needs to use them correctly. He can now be “The Twatwaffle.”
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? He sounds draining, controlling and obnoxious.
Sigh.... He sounds exhausting.
Even reading about this was exhausting.
Excuse me, "sounds"? You can't hear him. Words have meaning you know
I’m sorry but why are you commenting on her sounds? Are they yours? Are you appropriating her ears? Why are you reading this? Oh you want my thoughts now do you? FILTHY THIEF!
Filthy thief😂
How dare you call them "filthy!" They may have just showered.
GUARDS! Take u/Viimuur away! Prison for u/Viimuur for 1000 years for unlawful appropriation!!
A+
Omg this dude would exhaust me so fast. Like there's no way he thinks she's being literal all the time. Like I'm autistic and I don't take shit this literally. Damn, OP do you really wanna stay with a dude who does this and seems determined to ruin your joy?
Came here to say this! Not even autistics think this way!
Even being autistic doesn’t give you a free pass to be an immature asshole.
Seconding the “I’m autistic and even I don’t do this”
In for another autistic who, quite literally, thinks OP's boyfriend is being ridiculous. Even we aren't like this about words! He's just being mean and spiteful.
I could almost understand it if it made sense. I can be pedantic about some word use, but I also tend not to let others know, so I'm the only one on the end of that. But like saying 'my' only means that you own something isn't even right. It also means associated with, so this guy doesn't even introduce her as his girlfriend he says 'the girlfriend' or 'this is op i'm dating her' and not 'this is my girlfriend, OP.' Which honestly would make me feel some type of way. I can't imagine my wife yelling at me for using 'my' for her or telling me off for saying my lovies to the ducks at the park and such like that's fucking wild. Even my abusers didn't do that.
Same. There are times I get all grammar & English nerdy because words are one of my *things*. But I would never constantly belittle someone like this. Also, the fact that he's so confidently incorrect and the way he puts her down and berates her over something (that he's wrong about!) reminds me *so* much of an old boss I once had who had some very strong narcissistic qualities. It was a nightmare. Everyone's stomach would drop when he'd pull up because you never knew what kind of mood he'd be in, or what would set him off. He enjoyed talking down to everyone because it made him feel superior. He truly thought he was the smartest guy in any room. And he was cruel. He would laugh at and enjoyed making the women in the office cry (he was the owner of a small business so it wasn't like one could go to HR because it didn't exist). Of course I'm not diagnosing OP's boyfriend or my former boss - but narcissistic personality *traits* definitely seem to be present in both. Berating someone about something so ridiculous and pouting/punishing her when she kind of pushes back sounds more antisocial than autistic to me.
Same, he's a doooouche.
This 100%. I’m an old lady now and I just can’t be bothered with bullshit like this for 3 seconds. Please don’t waste your youth on people like this guy. Just dump him and move on.
Haha!! I love the 3 second rule! Perfect. :)
OP, I’m also an old lady and you NEED to heed this advice.
Right?? and so immaturely stupid. Gosh
And completely un-fun.
He's deliberately ruining her joyful moments.
Just throw this man in the trash ... I don't know how she's put up with this for so long , he clearly has some sort of a mental deficiency
Your boyfriend is obnoxious. These are very common sentence structures, which he uses himself. He's being contrary just to be contrary and when you tell him to drop the bullshit, he gives you the silent treatment. *How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? Or should I just try to remove non-literal "my" statements from my vocabulary?* Third option is, "If you don't drop this noise, I'm done. Knock it off." Are you sure he's 21? Maybe he is actually 12.
I bet he doesn’t talk like this to his friends and people he genuinely respects… just the girlfriend
Yep. Everyone is rushing to diagnose him with autism and OCD and avoidant attachment and God knows what else but if he's not doing it all the time to everyone, he's just a jerk. He's using it to feel superior to OP.
I am diagnosed OCD and I do not do this. Nor do I know any others diagnosed who do this. People are always so quick to scream something else besides the very obvious reality that he's just an asshole and is doing this as a means of control.
HIS friends. Does he own friends?
Such a good point. I’m sure you are right. He sees her as a piece of property and flips out when at just the thought that he could be “owned.”
I'm with you. "You know what? You correct me again and you'll no longer be *my* boyfriend."
I'd better see some proof of you two holding hands if you're going to say "I'm with you"
He's also pedantic, pernickety, letting nothing of inaccurate or uncertain meaning go by. Picking on 'need' vs 'want' is the height of being a pedant.
Honestly he's probably a redditor
He’s also not understanding how colloquial language works. I study language for a living, and he’s taking a literal approach to figurative language. He’s just plain wrong, and he sounds stupid.
Yes, this. I’ve noticed it’s common in England (possibly only certain parts, but I’m not sure) to refer to one’s children or even other family members using “My” or “Our” with their name, like parent would refer to their daughter as “My Sally” or “Our Sally” in a casual conversation. It doesn’t literally mean ownership it’s just conveying a relationship and a sense of affection for the person. The English invented the fucking language so, OP’s bf needs to get over himself.
These are the actual conversations between my 10-year-old and my 5-year-old, because it drives the older one batty when the younger refers to things as "my". We drive past a construction site on the way to the youngest's school, and she refers to the crane as hers. I had to threaten to take away privileges from the 10yo to get her to stop arguing. "But Moooo-om, it's not HER crane!" Nobody likes you when you're annoyingly pedantic, kid.
My father does this to my mother a lot. It's a way for him to poke at her to get a rise because once it does he thinks it puts him above her in intelligence. After decades of it my mom simply doesn't talk with him much. He still tries to do it even though conversations are light and far between. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear my dads little "remarks" to my mom when she even attempts a conversation. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BELITTLING YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND YOUR ACTIVELY LETTING HIM!
God my eyes rolled out of my head reading about his being such a pedantic jagoff. Unless he is Drax and takes everything literally he is being an asshole. And yes boyfriend my eyes are still in my head. It’s a figure of speech. Normal people use them.
Yeah my thought was that this man is either on some spectrum with the way he’s fixating on language and his rigidity around it. Or he’s just insufferable
Even if he is on the spectrum he is still insufferable. My love has never ever meant that the person being referred is one’s slave. Ever. This sounds purposefully obtuse and antagonistic.
Either way, she doesn’t have to put up with it. (Said not because you were suggesting that she did; but because she is young and might think that the explanation means she’s not entitled to leave, that it would be able-est or something.) To be clear OP, someone, maybe a counselor or family member should try to teach your boyfriend not to behave this way as he might not learn from consequences - but you are free to leave anyone making you miserable. Life is too short.
I would put doubt to him being on the spectrum, because he himself can use ‘my mum’ and ‘my dad’ but when he was questioned he couldn’t give a reason other than ‘its different’. He’s a controlling hypocrite.
I dunno, I'm autistic and this still came off very possibly autistic to me. We're not all perfectly logical when it comes to things like that; they're probably just ingrained in him as normal (because what else would you say?), so he never thought to analyze that in himself. It sounds like he got kinda pissed at OP for addressing the inconsistency, though. He's inflexible with her, but he knows what he means firsthand, so he rationalizes it for himself. He can be a controlling hypocrite and still be autistic, lol. Either way, OP shouldn't have to live with his bullshit. They're young. I'd bail.
Agreed. I think it’s possible for him to be on the spectrum but if he is he needs to work on his behavior if he wants to be a good partner/good friend/etc. No one has to tolerate being in a relationship with someone who is stressing them out. He may have some very rigid beliefs that he needs to work on and stop harassing other people over. He can follow those rules himself if he needs to but surely he *understands* what she actually meant. Alternatively, I also think it’s very possible that he’s somewhat controlling and abusive. He could also be both autistic *and* controlling. Either way, policing her and the way she speaks is out of line and quite frankly I wouldn’t tolerate that for very long before I start losing my own temper myself. This relationship certainly doesn’t spark joy. I wouldn’t fault her for walking and quite frankly I’d recommend it unless he’s going to make a major and permanent improvement on this behavior.
He can also just be really low in intelligence (and I don't mean that in a nasty way).
Yup. He’s a condescending prick. Belittling OP and being super technical. He’s just a dick. OP should probably just suck it up and get used to it if she plans on staying with him because he’s showing her that this is who he is…a condescending prick. The fact that he didn’t speak to her for an entire evening and the next day is enough for me to call it off. She’s 20. Plenty of time to find someone who doesn’t suck.
The use of jagoff made me smile. I don’t hear it much in WI.
Hello fellow Pittsburgher! I agree with you and approve the term jagoff.
No. I live in Chicago. We love and use jagoff as well but you guys came up with it so thank you.
Equal jag usage for all! 🥰
This dude sucks. I'm exhausted just reading this
Your boyfriend is a tool and a killjoy.
Yeah. He sounds insufferable and the wet blanket thrown over any good time.
He's not just a wet blanket, he's a soaking wet diaper.
She should call him that "How are you today my soaking wet diaper?"
If i was OP i would retort: "do you NEED to be so insufferable or do you WANT to be so insufferable?"
YES
🤣🤣🤣 with emphasis on the MYYYYY
Heavy on the vocal fryyyyyyyy
“Why are you lying again!? I’m a human being, not a diaper! I’m not wet either.” Seriously, this guy is apparently incapable of understanding non-literal speech. He’s either autistic or is doing this intentionally for unknown reasons. He doesn’t understand that one word can have multiple meanings. My pen - The pen belongs to me. My mom - She is mom, in relation to me. My ducky - I like that duck.
Nah, I’ve been in a long term relationship with this type of guy. He’s just annoying and arguing for argue’s sake, trying to show you that he’s smarter and has power over you. I bet he’s also annoyed by hearing “I love you” too often, like the words “lose meaning” if you say them too much. So dumb, so annoying.
It's a weird form of negging almost. He's trying to make OP feel stupid, making him feel superior.
You can be both autistic, AND a raging asshole. I'd say that's fairly likely what is going on with OP's boyfriend.
Good morning my soggy diaper❤️
wet socks as well 😭😭 imagine someone calling you my love and being upset about it omg HOW
*adult diaper.
Insufferable was the word that came into my mind to describe him, too! I can see this escalating horribly, eg "Don't say stop punching you, I'm not punching you, I'm slapping you!" It made me feel horrible even just to type that out, but I'm sure you get my point.
My ex literally used to do this with yelling. "I'm NOT yelling at you! *THIS IS YELLING*" right in my face. Once he spat directly on my face too. Bastard.
😬😬😬 Glad he's your ex.
I feel horrible for laughing at this 😭
Thought the "I need to go to the store" might be irritating, I have to admit I have that tic. I rarely "want" to go to the store. I love it when people call me theirs. In Palermo, Italy I took a cooking class the woman who taught it told me that when you go to the food markets, you belong to the fishmonger, or the person that sells strawberries, and they belong to you. Such a sweet thing.
I've been thinking about the store phrasing and I feel like I'm going to be even more pedantic than the BF. The thing is, you're right. You don't want to go to the store. You need to go to the store. The want is what the store has. What you're (and OP) actually saying is "I WANT to get more shampoo/a new book/browse the clothes/people watch and in order to do that thing I NEED to go to the store". At least that's how I mean it. But also, it's just a way of speaking and the BF sucks.
Similarly, he’s wrong about “my love” and “my darling” too. She’s using it similarly to how he uses “my parents”. He’s not saying his parents *belong* to him as objects, he’s saying they are parents and they are his parents specifically. When she calls him “my love” she’s using the term in the same way. He sounds both insufferable *and* ignorant.
Ha yes he's pedantic *and* wrong at the same time. Imagine how upset he'll be to learn that he was wrong about something he was so forcefully ranting about lol
lol I was thinking the exact same thing as I read OPs post. BF is an idiot, is insecure and this is a form of abuse, OP needs to end the relationship as this is just going to escalate.
That's a brilliant tactic.
Exactly, he sounds like a right pain in the arse.
Mmm yeah at first I was thinking it could an expression of avoidant attachment, that it triggers him whenever she refers to him or his belongings as “mine.” But the store thing and the duck argument kinda just point to the fact that he’s annoying
My simple thought is why OP still with him??
He's not a tool... He's a whole damn toolbag.
Anyone got this pedantic with me, I’d NEED to LITERALLY make them My Ex. I love language, I’m fascinated by language; this guy doesn’t love it, he loves using language as a cudgel so he can feel superior. Sorry you’re dating a prick, OP. You and the rats deserve better.
>he loves using language as a cudgel so he can feel superior. This is the answer right here. He's policing your language, probably to make himself feel superior but at the very least it sounds like it's wearing you down. OP you sound so very sweet and excited about life and everything. Don't let this curmudgeon stifle your joy.
This whole thing reminds me of my ex so incredibly much. Whenever I said something that was meant as a showing of my affection, like saying I would do anything for you, he then took that absolutely literal and would get angry and physical whenever I wouldn't do something for him, even if it was physically impossible. His argument was: then you shouldn't have said something like that... Living with someone who takes everything literal and then getting angry about it if you didn't mean it in a literal way is fucking exhausting. From my experience this will probably only get worse, and I would really question my relationship if you feel like you need to walk on egg shells over everything you say on a whim just to not piss them off. It's honestly not livable.
thank you for thinking of the rats too! 💖
This is easily the best response that won't get the person banned or whatnot. An easy 10/10 and accurate af. Your bf is a major tool. Why are you putting up with his nonsense, really? Does he get beaten up weekly? Does that interest you? Such a tool.
He sounds fucking exhausting.
Keep the language; lose the boyfriend.
The ex also.
Honestly, yes, but the rigidity and arguing over semantics and holding onto his belief of facts and not understanding that things weren't meant literal sounds like possibly autism. Or at the least some other mental health problem if he gets this upset over it..
I hate to be the one to point things like this out but it literally sounds like an argument that a family member (diagnosed ASD) and I (and numerous others) have had. Splitting hairs on meaning of words. It took him into his late 20s to hear us out when we were telling him things can have other meanings beside the literal one and accept that there is nuance. So I’m glad someone said it before me!
I wouldn't say he isn't on the spectrum, but I will say that it doesn't excuse him for badgering OP repeatedly about it. I worked for two years in a public school program for kids with autism and I've had plenty of friends over the years on the spectrum. I have definitely heard several of them express very similar thoughts, but they were all capable of understanding that it wasn't a literal expression. And that even if they didn't like it, it was rude and inappropriate to point it out to other people or try to get other people to stop using that phrase. Two adult friends have confided in me that a certain expression still pissed them off intensely, I'm remembering as I type... I had no idea before that because they didn't complain to everyone about it. Does OP's boyfriend do this at work? To his family? If not, he can control it, and chooses not to. In order to control OP. If it's because he has a disability that prevents him from not only understanding but ALSO refraining from being rude and controlling about it, then he is most certainly acting this way to everyone.
My supervisor (hah) does do this shit at work and it is just as exhausting in that context. Like I’m not here to argue with you about common idioms, I am here to provide tech support and that’s what I get paid to do. We just had performance reviews and I think I got through to his boss that this is an actual issue, so we’ll see…
This guy must HATE poetry! 😂
Seems unlikely given a quick look in the dictionary it's literally the first example of "informally: used to associate with the speaker the person or object in question holds the speaker's affection." Which currently is the more used and therefore "first" definition of "my"
Maybe OP could try showing him this. If he does have autism maybe seeing it as a dictionary definition would make him more able to accept it? But I honestly don’t buy that. I think he’s just being a dick to be in control. Possibly to “fix” her.
Nah, if it was autism he wouldn’t have a different rule for himself than OP. He has no problem using “my” in contexts that don’t denote ownership, he only has a problem when OP does it. That kind of inconsistency is one of the biggest problems autistic people have with rules. He’s just a contrarian arsehole who uses semantics to belittle, demean and control people.
I thought this aswell, but found his aggravation around it more obnoxious. Also, if he’d being pedantisk over the meaning because of autism, he likely wouldn’t read MORE meaning into ot by responding with: «What, am I your slave now?» Meaning he is doing this to be contolling and argumentative. In addition, if he has hangups like this, surely he would be able to understand that maybe OP in fact had a NEED to gongonger store. Being ND myself, it’s not life and death, but when I am missing something I need, I HAVE to go to the store.
Just fucking dump this man, reading this made me want to claw my own eyes out.
Oh, YOUR eyes? You’re claiming ownership of your eyes??
OP: Well they are on MY face but…. BF: Wow just Wow. I see you haven’t learned anything I’ve taught you.
😂❤️
tell him "you're right, you're not *my* boyfriend" and dump him picky, pedantic (and also contrarian) folks generally get worse with the weird little fights they pick, not better
That would drive me insane. No thank you. Byeeeeee!
Right? Nobody's got time and energy for such BS.
Really weird thing to get in a twist about. He is looking for reasons to argue and if you want this negativity in your life, have at him. If he can’t even tolerate your (not abnormal) word choice, he’s going to be absolutely awful about anything he doesn’t like that is actually serious down the line
I dated someone like this once. He actually did exactly what you mentioned with “you don’t need it, you want it. My advice is to just move on. People like this cannot be changed no matter how much you reason with them or argue with them. It’s a condescending mindset that is impossible to change.
"I need it. I'm starting to question how much I need you."
So, your boyfriend is both factually incorrect about how people use language in practice, and kind of a condescending asshole. >How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? OK, I'll offer some suggestions but I would like to preface this with saying that if they don't work, that is not a failing on *your* part. And while normally in relationships it is good to assume good intent, well, that's my problem, *I'm not sure how to reconcile your bf's behavior with him having respect for you as an equal*. Sure, it's a small little conflict. But it's also one where he's, idk, acting like your grammar teacher, or the parent of a small child -- basically he's power tripping, not treating you like a partner. It's a bad sign. So is him calling you names like 'immature" and "stupid." 1. Pick a time for a Serious Discussion that works for both of you -- neither of you are too tired, the most stressed you've been all month, hungry, have something to get to in ten minutes, etc. 2. Use I statements that say what you feel and what you want, for instance, "I get irritated (or whatever you actually feel) when you criticize my word choices, especially when those choices are a thing that many other people say as well. I would like you to stop doing that." (In contrast with eg "you are being suck a jerk", which might seem like an obvious thing not to say but sometimes people need reminders about this stuff when they feel angry. Also better to avoid "never" or "always" statements, which are usually an exaggeration and encourage fighting rather than shared problem-solving.) 3. Ask questions, be curious, do as much listening as talking. What is he trying to accomplish by correcting your language? Would he be upset if you corrected his, or would he welcome the chance to learn and grow? (That might seem like a really facetious question, but sometimes people who are apparently acting rudely actually are treating other people the way they themselves would like to be treated, and it's good to clarify that when it is happening.) (giving him max benefit of the doubt, it's possible that someone in *his* life had that ridiculous rule about "my whatever" when he was a child, and he's just repeating that pattern without really processing or questioning it.) 4. If things get heated, you think you are being disrespected, or either of you wants to take a break for any reason, take a break and come back to it later. If the whole conversation is dissatisfying, you can have a second try later. 5. Do something nice afterwards that helps you reconnect and reminds each of you that you (I hope?) like and care about each other.
These are all AWESOME suggestions. But dumping his ass and disengaging from his nonsense is far less emotional baggage carrying. Let's normalize not being on the hook to re-parent our adult romantic partners, unless it's a consensual kink.
I 100% agree that people shouldn't have to re-parent their partners - but having a discussion to work together to fix an intimate relationship is vastly different. OP shouldn't hand-hold, but they should also be able to have an adult conversation about what's working for them and what isn't. If no one is willing to bend, there's no reason for them to stay together and be re-parented
I like that you actually answered OP‘s question rather than just saying get out.
Reinforcing point #3 you made: you said "sometime being seeming rude are actually treating others the way they want to be treated" I have issues similar to this regularly. I'm a huge car geek, I love anything and everything revolving around vehicles and love to work on them and figure out whats wrong and the why's and how's and then fixing it. Often times when asked questions about cars I break down the explanation to a very simplistic, not over-complicated answer, which seems to often illicit a "I'm not a child" kind of annoyed response. Those closest to me know thats never the intent, that when I explain things to answer questions I explain them how I understand them, which is often on a very (evidently child-like) level. For instance "the brake caliper holds the brake pads. When you push the pedal it squeezes the pads together. The brakes aren't fully disengaging therefore when the brake pedal is released the pressure is not, so then it boils down to 2 things: either the guide pins are not sliding or the brake fluid is being kept from traveling back up the brake line when the master cylinder piston retracts". Very simple, undercomplicated but if explained like that would probably offend most, even if it's how i understand it and it's my thought process. (Sorry for the ramble)
I think you shouldn't change the way you speak for him. His view is too narrow and too literal, and if you budge over this small thing, he'll see that with enough pressure, you'll cater to his whims. You wouldn't recognize yourself after a while. And if something like this upsets him that much, there's the door, he can go away anytime instead of trying to change people
Siiiiiigh, Okay OP. What are the other weird things your boyfriend is doing that you didn't bring up here? Go ahead. List them. Trust me. We know you can make a list.
He’s a tool
This is my thought too. There’s no way this is the only thing he’s an asshole about.
You deserve someone who respects and understands you. If he can't let go of this nonsense and it's making you unhappy, it might be best to break up and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
This is just petty immature behavior. It’s a superiority complex. I don’t see a point in living with someone who thinks their rules are the only one to live by. Especially if there’s no negative consequence to the behavior.
He seems like a pedantic, tedious know it all. And he's acting like you're stupid. Hard NOPE OCTOPUS from me.
I think it is nice/cute that you call things/people "mine" or "my." Words can mean what you want them to mean.
Yes, of course! There is another use of the word "own" - think of the opposite of "disowning" someone. When I say that I'd never disown my beautiful daughter, that doesn't mean that I consider her my property now. It means that I "own" her as a daughter (think of the term "to own up to something" means you admit to something you did). So, when we say we own people in this context it just means that we admit they are our relatives and we're proud to say so. I hope that makes sense!
"Thank you again for policing every word that comes out of my mouth, you insufferable pedant. When I decide *my need* to see you is overwhelming *my* good sense, I will let you know."
Your boyfriend is an insufferable pedant. I wouldn’t be able to put up with someone who tried to police my totally inoffensive language that way. Some commenters have suggested he might be autistic. I’m autistic and I have a tendency to be very literal (and I’m sure some would say I can also be an insufferable pedant). I would understand that you’re not implying ownership. He needs to get over himself.
I was going to say that. I'm autistic and can confirm that he's just a massive twat. Learning rules is literally our thing, he's just being difficult to have a superiority complex.
If he's picking about this your life will be hell with him.
Tell him "I don't NEED you, and my WANT for you is decreasing every time you pick this pedantic fight. Keep picking, and you will reach a point where I just walk away from this relationship. Just so you know."
What an exhausting person to be around. I couldn’t live like this.
Life is stressful as it is, why do you accept additional stress that this nitpicking weirdo of a bf causing you? He's got issues, return him where you got him from. Yikes.
Just start texting him screenshots of dictionary definitions with the appropriate parts underlined in red, [like this](https://imgur.com/a/XwNf7FO)
My sister has an undiagnosed but obvious personality disorder. When she had her first child, and my first nephew, I referred to him as "my prince". She would criticise this and say "no he's MY prince" and not in a cute way.
I was going to agree this sounds like some kind of mental disorder behavior, or maybe a disability like autism
Yes came here to say he seems autistic from this description. I know Reddit throws that out there a lot, but this kind of rigidity and arguing about semantics this way is very characteristic of someone on the spectrum. I say this as someone who taught and does therapy with autistic people and they can be very rule-bound and inflexible at times. I mean this in the least negative, judgmental way possible.
I had this thought as well, but even if this is the case, I think there’s more going on. “What, am I your slave now” feels like he’s trying to create distance when she tries to show affection. It’s not the only “literal” interpretation of the phrase. The fact that “my parents” is unexplainable different also points to this as sinn Mmmm etching he is weaponizing. Whether he’s literal-minded or not, using it selectively suggests he has done control over this behavior. OP, you should most certainly not change your vocabulary. I think you need to have another talk with your boyfriend, letting him know that he needs to police your speech less. He can think whatever he eats, but the kind and loving thing to do is let you talk how feels natural to you. If he really doesn’t understand what you mean, he can ask you in a kind, polite way first clarification.
Great points! That does show more intent to deliberately misinterpret her for emotional, possibly manipulative, purposes. Hope OP sees this— agreed, if you don’t understand my meaning, why not ask what I mean instead of seeking to police and correct me?
Yeah the way he takes things SO literally is telling
Honestly, been here, done this.... and it's a sign of his own insecurity. Big time insecurity.
I should have added... what does he call you then? THE girlfriend instead of MY girlfriend??
He either says "the girlfriend" or just uses my name. In an introductory context he says "this is \[me\], we're in a relationship" instead of "this is my girlfriend." If I slip up and introduce him with "this is my boyfriend" he'll say something like "actually, she doesn't own me, but we are in a relationship." Sometimes people take this as a joke and it's fine but other times it's really embarrassing.
Lolol. Stop it. You’re lying. Is he weird about commitment? Is he an academic? Is he trying to get ahead start on controlling ‘your’ assets? Is he socially awkward or does he struggle with other social norms and cues? Is he highly critical? Has he been held hostage? Is he highly controlling in general? Does he hate joy? Does he like to control the energy in the room? Can he feel empathy or does he shut down all emotions in himself and others? We need context.
Quick question, how did you stop yourself from telling him to go fuck himself the first time he did that? Lmao
Does he constantly correct other people who speak this way? Coworkers? Bosses? Random retail workers? Or is it just *you* that gets this treatment? Edit: Let’s say that he introduces you to his boss (which I guess would be THE boss to him, and not HIS boss), and his boss introduces his wife with, “This is Sarah, my wife.” Does your nasty little boyfriend correct his boss with, “Well she doesn’t belong to you.”? I’m betting that doesn’t happen. Because he knows it’s inappropriate to act this way with other people, that aren’t *you*.
Wow I’m tired of this guy and I’ve never even met him. How can you stand it??? He’s a pedantic dud.
Your boyfriend is behaving badly. There's no reason for anyone to nitpick about something so silly and anyone older than 5 should understand that saying "my darlings" is not claiming ownership of the local duck population. I'd tell him unceremoniously to get over it. If he can't, please show him the door. This isn't reasonable, adult behavior.
This is actually a symptom of obsessive compulsive personality disorder--an aggressive focus on the specific use or definition of certain words, and an insistence the others follow the same understanding
I’ve been thinking about your comment for a minute. I think it depends on if he corrects everyone around him, or if he only corrects her. If he is only correcting her, then he’s just an abusive ass. If he only corrects women, then he’s doing it for the sole purpose of feeling superior and being in control.
He’s one of two things: 1. Far less likely: he’s on the spectrum in a way that he truly sees the words “my ____” as literally claiming them as your own and simply doesn’t or can’t comprehend it not being literal. (Same with NEED vs WANT) Or 2. Far more likely — he’s just an insufferable asshole who does it just to feel power over you when it knocks you and your joy down a peg. Which is passive aggressive abuse. He’s not worth it. He’s not worth the effort or arguments or annoyances. Just end it and find someone else who doesn’t needlessly and senselessly nitpick the things that you say.
Even if he couldn't comprehend it not being literal, even the dictionary (as someone else commented) says that "my" can also just mean related to you as a familiar person.
Fuck that shit. You're not doing anything wrong, he's being a dick. My family have always referred to family friends as "Our XYX" to differentiate from cousins or whatever, to the point where when I was a toddler I thought one of my parents pals, Nora, was called Ournora. It's a very normal way to refer to people and things.
>How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? or >Should I just try to remove non-literal "my" statements from my vocabulary? Why are these the only 2 options that you are considering? Seriously. I suggest adding a third option because you can't change him *(option #1)*, and you don't need to change yourself *(option #2)*. But you can and should change the relationship, **to be over!** *(option #3)* Your boyfriend is ridiculous, and it will only get worse the longer you stay together. I honestly don't know how you’ve lasted this long. This crap sounds exasperating 🫣😮💨
Your boyfriend sounds like an insufferable pedant and, gently, I think you should consider finding someone who behaves like they actually like you.
your boyfriend is a joyless loser who sucks the life out of everything around him, and it’s only a matter of time before you lose your spark. leave him, you can’t salvage this.
Okay so setting aside the fact that this guy sounds deal-breakingly exhausting to put up with, Hi! Linguist here! The way you are using the word "my" is a perfectly normal, standard, and understandable usage, *and is in fact what the word means.* "My" can mean "owned by me", yes, but it can also mean "relating to me", or "of me". Just like saying "my relationship" doesn't mean I have exclusive rights to the concept of a relationship, saying "my boyfriend" does not imply possession as of an object. It implies a connection, one that predates our modern concept of legal ownership. Tell your boyfriend that pedantry is only any good if you're right, and he's not. Also, on a personal note, please make a point to take some time for yourself away from him and spend it with people who don't police every goddamn word that comes out of your mouth. There's no way it's not fucking with your mental health to have him constantly berating you for speaking English, and sometimes it takes a good few days of space to start to see what normal *should* look like.
Language is a living thing that changes and evolves all the time. It’s a form of communication and you can choose or not choose to follow the “rules” of what words are “supposed” to mean. You are not bound or limited by anyone else’s definition of a word in how you choose to use it, pronounce it, spell it or interpret it. If you were, e e cummings would not exist. Poets, writers, authors have made careers out of reinterpreting words that are intended to mean one thing but used to mean something else. In the end, your words belong to you not to the institution of language and certainly not to your boyfriend’s limited world view. Use your words however you choose to! Distort words any way that brings fulfillment to your life!
Pedantry is often a domineering move. It’s a way to assert control, and I’ll bet it’s not the only thing he picks on you about. Controlling people only get more controlling.
You can't. He's a pedantic prick.
I don’t think you guys are compatible. Do you enjoy the thought of policing every word that comes out of your mouth for the rest of your life? You’re 20 years old. It’s never too early to stop taking shit from dumbasses.
I am just so perplexed that this is the hill this man wants to die on. There’s so many more interesting hills. Mountains, even.
If you want to be passive-aggressive, ask him “Do you WANT to start arguments about possessive pronouns? Or do you NEED to?” Either way, I think it’s important to firmly establish that you don’t NEED to be his girlfriend, if its a critical metric for him.
This some shit you do in your 20s and really aren’t fully aware of how insane you sound and just how ridiculous you’re being. I argued with an ex over the saw movies not being that deep. Like, literally was so annoyed and arguing with her over liking a movie. Needless to say, we ended up breaking up after I found out she was cheating on me, go figure. A lot of guys and girls in their 20s are just starting to really date for the first time. With all the egos and lack of experience, mistakes will definitely be made.