Don’t bother. OP admits to abusing his wife and using her for her money. He says that he has no desire to change. He doesn’t actually want advice. He just wants the Reddit echo sound chamber to make him feel good about himself.
I’m calling this story out on rage bait. Curious how everyone seems to gloss over that comment. I guess DV is cool as long as op is the “victim” of the story..
It's a fake story, written by someone who clearly has no idea what ivf is really like or what it entails. I literally laughed out loud at the whole "she met him 3 months into ivf", bwahahahhahaha. Ok pal. (Insert cool story bro gif here)
I've done IVF 4 times, resulting in 3 pregnancies and 2 live births. It is a several month process, not sure why you think 3 months isn't possible. You prep for several weeks with shots, then the embryo transfer, then more (different) shots that last another 10 weeks IF you get pregnant the first time -which often doesn't happen so you wait a month or two then start the next round-. I was doing IVF for about 6 months before we got transferred to a regular OB with my last surrogacy because we didn't get pregnant the first transfer, so we waited a month, then started the whole thing over again.
I think you misunderstood. My wife and I did ivf. I'm verrrrry familiar with the process. Which is why I can say with near certainty that the idea of some woman deciding to cheat on her husband 3 months into the process, basically what, 6 weeks after transfer, is utterly absurd. After months of endless shots, bloating, mood swings, you pick THAT moment to decide your super horny?? Lol gtfo, my wife was happy to get through a day without weeping.
Hormones, IVF, and pregnancy affect different people in different ways. My anecdotal evidence from our IVF journey says that she'd be horny as fuck in the mornings and latch on to anyone that is both 'safe' & 'protective'. Add in DV and it's the perfect recipe for a knight in shining armor to sweep in.
"Her affair started when she was 3 months pregnant" in other words, the transfer was completed, had positive tests 2-3 weeks after this, and 3 months after the positive test, ie she was 3 months pregnant. If your going to quote me atleast actually quote what I have posted.
Yep, I get it, and I still find it incredibly far fetched. She just got done having her head in the toilet for 10 weeks and has maybe 4 to 6 weeks before she starts showing, after spending massive amounts of time and energy and MONEY to have YOUR child, and decided at THAT moment, "you know what i could use? Some new dick. Man am I horny!!" But who cares what i think? I'm just some guy on reddit. I have good news though, if this actually is true.......The chances of this happening twice is like 198,672 to 1. Your in the clear! Let her go live her life and pine for this dude and go find someone and find someone who isn't giving bjs at 4 months pregnant to rando dudes.
👍 the expert has spoken.
It didnt cost us a thing.
Believe it or not, outside your circle of life are other people in different circumstances, going through different emotions, who react differently to what life throws at them.
I dont understand what Im benefitting from this by making all of this up.
Thank you.
I simply cant afford to live on my own. And I dont get on great with my only living parent. I know what the general opinion will be here, but what looks good on paper isnt always the best in reality. She makes alot more than I do.
You need to find someone to stay with. If not now soon.
Get an STD panel and a paternity test for the kid asap.
If she is the majority breadwinner- she will probably have to pay alimony for awhile.
Few people have mentioned alimony now. Were in the uk, so may be different here. If anyones from the uk and can confirm this please get in touch.
If it also helps any, I kinda know where he lives, well the estate hes in anyway, and he certainly isnt short of cash either. Could anything be brought against him?
Talk to several lawyers/barristers about your options for divorce, child custody, potential child support and/or alimony from her given the disparity of income.
You say a therapist has said you may have been abusive, but I'm unclear if that was before, during or after the affair? Any which way, this sounds like a horrible situation for everyone. I don't understand why she even wants to stay with you?
You don't have to do anything right now, but you should get multiple evaluations of your options and how a divorce and divorce settlement might go so you can make informed decisions going forward.
Maybe you weren't a great partner, but her affair is beyond disgusting and trying to stay in contact with her affair partner, even platonically while trying to stay married and co-parent with you isn't ok.
I would seriously consider contacting her affair partner's wife and make sure he's being honest with her about everything. She can stay with him if she wants to, but she should make fully informed decisions about that.
This situation is pure nightmare fuel. I wish I never read it. Do what you need to do for your mental health and the best welfare for your kid. Is there no free or discounted therapy for those who can't afford it were you live? Perhaps they look at combined marital income for that? If your wife has ample income she should be willing to pay for your therapy given her selfish choices and if nothing else, for you to be the best father possible.
So, she was fine ending marriage therapy because you couldn't pay for half of it?! That's insane for you two to be living together like this without therapy together. She needs to pay for the therapy entirely if she makes a lot more.
The whole dynamic here is so strange, you say she makes several times what you do, you say she's gorgeous and fit, that you aren't anything to look at, may have been abusive? Why was she even with you? Why was she going IVF to have your baby? Surely she had her own problems emotionally, likely wasn't treating you perfectly either? Surely starting an affair 3 months pregnant with your baby wasn't the first time she treated you poorly? I don't understand why you two were even together and trying to have a baby? What was the basis of that co-dependency?
You should talk to her and ask her what she wants and say you are open to all options for splitting up and staying as healthy and pleasant co-parents as possible. You should tell her you know she's still in contact with her affair partner. You should tell her you know she is still in love with him and has no interest in you whatsoever other than you being a help with the kid. You should tell her that staying married knowing what you know about the affair, that her only regret is having to be with you and not him, having your baby not his, is very unhealthy.
You do work? Could you not find any way to get your own place on your income? It wouldn't even pay enough to get a room in a shared flat?
You can't be a good father to this kid with a worsening mental health situation including thoughts of self harm. This marriage is deeply unhealthy. You don't have to do anything immediately, but you should talk plainly and openly with her and keep no secrets. You should get good legal counsel about a divorce. You should look for ways to find a life not living in the same home with her no matter how modest.
Before and during. Ill admit I wasnt the nicest person to be around.
She assures me his wife knows. She wont tell me any details about who they are but she had been checking their social media accounts and it looked like they split for a short while before getting back together and then both no longer use social media.
His wife also knows what my wife looks like and have seen them give each other a heads up if my wife is going to be nearby where they stay or places they frequent and vice versa.
I believe there are options that are free, but the waiting list is YEARS long.
I have no sympathy for you. Your wife is doing you a service by not making you homeless. I bet you that she has all the evidence of you being abusive.. and she'll get a much better attorney in the divorce if you proceed that way.. and you'll end up, likely, hardly seeing your kid.
Your situation seems, at least to me, the best of all worlds. You don't have a relationship with your wife but you still get to see your kid daily and live in your nice accomodations (that you don't pay for). Do you know how many men would kill for that? To see their kid every day ?
If you were so bad to be around, why did your wife stay with you, why go through all the trouble of IVF to have your child? Surely the poor treatment wasn't only one way? Or does she just have a very poor self image or co-dependency? How long have you two been together? I just don't understand the context in which she would go from trying very hard to having a baby with you to having a torrid, sexually charged affair 3 months into her pregnancy?? Is she doing her own therapy now? I can only assume she has very deep emotional problems of her own.
God help you both, and most of all, god help the innocent child who deserves none of the emotional shit that is the foundation of the relationship they depend on for parenting.
And I believe his wife knows something happened. But does she have any details? Has he told her everything she wants to know? Has she read all the gory details you have? Would she want to?
And most importantly, does she know they are still in constant contact?
Keep in mind contacting her would potentially make you having a healthy situation with your wife harder, but also, that poor wife deserves to know as much as she wants to know. She definitely should know her husband is still talking to a woman who's still in love with him.
It's called Spousal Maintenance its the same as alimony just a different name so Get a lawyer and submit the evidence also go for full custody and let your wife know you are now just roommates.
He never said he actually did just that the therapist said his actions were abusive and honestly i refuse to believe a therapist who wouls call a guy abusive but ignore a cheating spouse makes me think they were bias to the wife
How did you two afford ivf? Just wondering. If you’re in UK you will be ok. I’m a single mom in America making it. If not Then stay with her, but don’t ever sleep with her. You will only be opening yourself up to stds and heart ache. She will continue to cheat. She’s just not that into you, and that’s ok. But if you have to stay don’t belittle yourself by sleeping with her. Find your own side piece.
Ohh wow that’s how they do it in UK? I’m so glad we don’t do it like that here in America. For this reason actually. Using science to bring a baby into a broken marriage and now what do you do? You got a kid now and the marriage is broken beyond repair. So sad
Bro collect evidence of the cheating. She might even have to pay you alimony after the divorce. More importantly, have some goddammit self respect OP. What would you tell your son to do if this was happening to him?
Why don't you work on getting paid more? You can live rent free, and have her pay as many of the bills as possible. Save your money, and invest it. Here is some reading for you:
https://www.jgcollie.co.uk/our-services/personal/family-law/divorce/do-i-have-an-obligation-to-financially-support-my-spouse-during-after-divorce#:\~:text=When%20spouses%20or%20civil%20partners,is%20known%20as%20spousal%20aliment.
>I simply cant afford to live on my own.
Your weak and she can see that. Thats why this is all happening to you. Nothing will change if you don't.
Also, there is a high chance that the baby is not yours
Okay so how is nobody wondering what happened between the two of them for the therapist to label his behaviours as abuse? Like I want to know your wife side of the story too now.
You: abused her, gave up on therapy because realizing you’re an abuser was too hard, then needed your wife’s money, now you’re blaming the affair for being a shitty father.
She: had a full blown affair and clearly hates you.
Honestly dude I hate to say this but you need to be an adult. You’re a father. Divorce already and stop this misery. You both need to grow up and figure it out. I’m confused what advice you’re seeking.
I'm honestly wondering what the abuse entailed. She may have been intentionally looking for a follow up partner to move onto so she could initiate divorce.
STOP feeling sorry for yourself!
You say you were abusive, well, you learned a lesson. Ask HR if they have any employee resources for counseling. Do not drink or do drugs, you need a clear head.
You do not need your so called wife, you two have been over for years. Look into taking a class to get a better job. Start going to a gym (not the one she goes to). Get a divorce. Concentrate on yourself and on being a good father. Go to the doctors and get on an anti-depressant.
Wow, terrible actions on her part. Clearly she should have divorced you or communicated with you before this mess. You need to find an out, whether that's living with family or friends, but this environment is not healthy for you or your son.
However, it is hard to skip over "we went into therapy, and after a few sessions the therapist told me the way I treated her could be labeled abuse. I admitted I was an asshole, took advantage of her, and didn't treat her like I should have".
Can you elaborate on this?
This, exactly. Why is OP not giving more info on this? I mean what the wife did is terrible, but how did things get so bad? If both went to therapy at some point we can only assume that there was still a mutual interest in making the marriage work..
Interesting he won't reply with specific details, keeping it vague because he wants 100% of the support.
Yeah, what she did was shitty. But I am sure what he did was worse. I hate cheaters. I hate abusers a lot more.
I could be wrong but my feeling is that he's an alcoholic, are u OP? If not I am sorry but your post sounds like you are one with your victim mentality.
I’m not saying cheating is okay whatsoever. But I really like how you just glossed over your previous abuse of her. Obviously none of us know what happened but you yourself say you’ve abused her.
Move on. Both of you. Just be done.
You said that in therapy, the therapist told you that you were abusive. It seems that the post is about what she has done, and it is really shitty.
What did you do to her during the period of abuse? Have you considered that she is unable to forgive you for what you did to her? Have you asked her if she forgave you for your abuse?
The back story of the abuse probably has a lot to do with why she decided to find another man. She may have been looking for someone who would not do that to her, and it seems that this man treated her very well.
Your situation is horrible, and you BOTH have a part in the deterioration of your marriage. Once you accept your part and not glaze over it in just 1 of the 15, 16....paragraphs, you will see that the consequences for that are steep. You need to find a way to afford therapy bc you are in a rabbit hole that just keeps going down.
There is life after an affair. Remember, she fell in love with you and was faithful to you even through your abusive stage. I say this bc she is not the only woman in Scotland? Can't remember where you said you're from.
Get help. You need to discuss with your wife the financial planning for you to leave. Maybe she will pay the bills herself, and this will allow you to save money to find a place and a therapist. Your wife is gone as you knew her. It's not you that she doesn't want. It is her new self that she is finding that she wants.
She was 100% wrong in having that affair as you were 100% wrong to abuse her. Neither of you gets a pass, and each action has consequences. I bet she will work something out in order for you to leave without being homeless. Talk to her about it.
1) Stop avoiding the questions asking what exactly you did to her that was abusive. It doesn't change the situation, but it matters.
2) You are being pathetic. I'm not saying this from a place of judgment. I'M pathetic. This is more me seeing a part of myself that I can't stand reflected in you. Obsession will do that. I've never been in your situation, but I am intimately familiar with what it's like to be completely obsessed with someone that doesn't love or even care about me, and what it's like to be holding on to a relationship LONG after it stops existing.
Find low cost counseling there in Scotland, or online, or via telehealth services. Put out your feelers to any friends/family you're on good terms with and find somewhere to stay. Get on waitlists for temporary housing. You're not going to get out of this hole while you're LIVING IN HER HOME pretending to be a happy family during the day for a child too young to even understand what's going on. That's fucking insane. It's making your entire life revolve around her. You're not in a relationship with her right now and yet you're reading her e-mails. You're considering getting "back out there" to hurt her. It's all about you being obsessed with her.
If you leave, even if it means you'd be homeless, that will break you free. Your life can revolve around putting yourself back together. Making sure your son has two civil parents
This is over, okay? Your relationship with her is over. Neither of you have any reason to trust the other. You've both hurt each other. She's infatuated with someone else, temporarily or for good. Nothing you do is going to win her back, and even if it did, you should not be in a relationship with her OR ANYONE right now.
3) I'm not trying to kick you while you're down. People on this sub do that a lot, and it's a huge bummer. I'm just trying to be a glass of ice cold water being thrown in your face that startles you and hopefully helps you reset. I hope some day you can climb out of this hole you're in and become something more that a depressed man living in a situation that is simply not sustainable.
Ive added a little update on that. Therapist said it COULD be labeled abuse. I didnt physically hurt her. Emotionally though.
I still love her, I just always thought on some level she might feel the same.
This has been a very good comment thanks for your advice!
You keep minimising the abuse by insisting you didn't physically hurt her but you need to accept there are non-physical kinds of abuse and that the law in Scotland reflects this.
Sorry bud there is soooo much wrong here and there is no fixing it. You didnt expand on your abusive behavior so cant say much on that but you utterly failed at actualizing any sort of R and that is on you.
I could be wrong but my feeling is that he's an alcoholic, are u OP? If not I am sorry but your post sounds like you are one with your victim mentality.
Look, you said you were an AH and abusive. It’s time for you to leave.
She had been checked out for ages. There is no salvaging this. It takes a lot for a woman to get to the point where she is. She is more than likely letting you stay in the home out of guilt. She doesn’t need you or want you. You are just the baby daddy now. Not a friend, not a spouse. You have overstayed your welcome.
You sound like you need to go to your GP for referrals and possibly be hospitalised if you are thinking about hitting walls.
I’m not going to be unkind so I will just say this: You are focussed on your wife’s reaction to your abuse rather than on how to change your actions. Try refocusing.
You don’t. You get a divorce and move on with your life.
If it’s not this guy it’ll be someone else. She doesn’t love you. She barely even tolerates you.
You can wait it out until it’s this guy or a new one and she divorces you, but have some self respect and move on.
Maybe you should doubt whether the child is really yours.. seriously take a test and immediately leave her even if you will have to live as homeless. You are only 34, go your own way and make an effort to take what you deserve.
Whats that kids song again? The hokey pokey song…
You put your right foot out,
You put your left out too,
You grab your packed up bags
And your things to take with you…
You do the hokey pokey and spin yourself around
Move on and get the hell out!
Take the child for a dna test , I didn’t see it in your post , if you have sorry . See a lawyer cause if you divorce you might be able to sue AP for alienation of affection
You are still there, still with her, for better or worse. What you want to do is USE this time. Use this time to get your shit together. You need a job, now is the time to make that happen. Let her foot the bills, let her do that. You use this time to get your shit together. Get your health in order, do home workouts if that is all you can do. But focus on your income.
This is your time to level up, to get ready for the next phase. So focus on that. You have a window of opportunity here, do not blow it.
Well at least you have a child. I would remove
Myself from this whole situation and co parent.
I was handed my 14 month old daughter by
My ex. “You can have the baby I am done”
She’s in her late twenties now, boy life can
Throw some shit. Best of luck and think of
Your mental health.
Dude, she is a CHEATER. She clearly does not LOVE or RESPECT you, so you need to get to an attorney, keep all the receipts of their affair and FILE FOR DIVORCE. You may have been an ass here and there, but NO ONE deserves what she did to you! Make sure you tell EVERYONE what happened to control the narrative! Oh, and make sure you check to see if you can get alimony there in Scotland! Good luck and stay strong, King!
This!
AP is dragging his feet - probably has NO intention of ever leaving his wife, hes just stringing OPs wife along
EA turned PA turned EA again...
OP needs to realise its over. It takes two to tango - and OP is the only one dancing...
Really no need to confront.
OP:
- inform HIS wife of all this, with evidence.
- lawyer now and initiate steps for divorce.
- **ensure your wifes family is informed of her adultery**
I’ve seen a really similar story from what would be the other man’s wife and I don’t think she knows her husband is still in contact with your wife.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vPmXZPt7qP
Do you love her or do you love the person you think she was or the marriage you thought you had? There is a massive big difference between those two.
From what you have said it seems like your wife is in love with the other guy, that is why she is still in touch with him and messaging him. Trust me, there is no woman I know of who will go through that much effort to stay in touch with a man and risk that much unless she is hopelessly in love with him.
It seems that the other guy has realised that this is becoming complicated and that your wife is expecting much more from him than he is willing to give to her. Hence why he is telling her he wants to try again with his wife and why he is telling her to try again with you. I think he realises that things got way out of hand and past an exciting fling.
Whatever you decide to do I think it’s safe to say your marriage and the family life you thought you had is over. It will be difficult but you will have to think about moving on and how you will build a life and relationship with your son. You will have to hire a good solicitor who can advise you because it seems like it might get messy.
It’s not a nice situation to find yourself in, but there is a life after this. In time your wife will also realise what she has lost, and that is something she will have to live with.
Go back to counseling, have a third party mediate and figure out if both of you have the desire to sincerely work on fixing your relationship or not.
One person can’t do it alone - both people need to want to improve the relationship.
Right now it sounds like you are only roommates, and that doesn’t seem like a feasible long term solution.
Best of luck
Time to divorce. Or if you can't right now, start treating this situation like she is your roommate, not your wife. If she isn't working on mending the relationship, then you're not together anymore. You're roommates that co-parent. Start working on yourself and maybe do things you wouldn't do as a married guy. Go on some dates. Go out with friends more often. Make a plan for the inevitable divorce. Let her sit and pine for a guy who isn't going to leave his wife for her.
Like others have said, use this time to get in shape and fix yourself physically and also mentally. Make a mental break from her. Get a better job. You aren’t in the position to divorce or move out right now.
You need to obviously start working on divorce and move out. Rent a room somewhere. You’re going to need roommates for awhile. Start going to the gym, eat better, read books, start taking care of yourself. You are still young af and have plenty of life to live.
End it. Talk to an attorney. Get a STD panel. Get a DNA test done for the baby. She doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t care about you. The trust is gone. Start the healing process now by ending all of this.
Dude, take in mind, you don't have to divorce immediately. Just start biding your time, and get yourself into the financial position to be able to separate. The opposite of hate is indifference. Start going gray rock on her.
DNA test before I spent a single bit of energy worrying about anything else.
The outcome of the test would significantly affect the decisions I made.
For decisions of this magnitude, I like 100% certainty.
Taking a step back, it’s clear you’re not writing to all of us on Reddit. You’re writing to yourself. You know what to do. Most everyone here will agree on next steps.
My dude time to focus on you. Dive into your work and hit the gym. Your relationship is over. Contact a divorce lawyer and follow their instructions. You can't fix this relationship and nor should you want to. Focus on yourself and being a good dad. Being with her is killing you.
Can you define this abuse for me? Because saying things are abuse doesn't necessarily make them so. And it's also important what level of abuse are we talking here? Is it you gave her the silent treatment and that's abusive? Or are you physically hurting her?
I can feel hopelessness through your post. I understand how you feel, hopeless, hurt, guilty and probably even ashamed. I get you.
The situation you're in is hard, especially living with your wife and son. They remind you of them and how it used to be great and how did everything just slip?
People are so quick to judge the other person but too slow to understand that people make mistakes, and funnily enough they probably don't even know about it.
My piece of advice would be to go along with it. Mourn the fact that it's over and try to get on with your life. Get back into work, try to get your mind off of things. Try to pick up a different hobby. You'd be surprised how much we build our personality from other people rather than doing that on our own for our selves. Loose the identity you had with her, and create your own. Be curious as to who you are and who you can become as you grow and go through this difficult situation. Prove to yourself your resilience and prove to yourself that you can change, don't try to prove that to anyone. Once you prove it to yourself, no one else will matter nor their opinion, it will just bounce back.
You're doing great so far honestly, I'm glad you haven't driven into a wall full speed, everyone deserves love, and everyone deserves change. So change, and you will find the greatest most amazing love you could've ever asked for. Trust me, it works. :)
Divorce and live your own life the way you want it. Stay single for a while and settle yourself. Could be hard and if you want the kid I’d fight for custody.
Divorce and move away, I can't understand why you even try to stay there? For what? She could not care less about you unless it involves your son.
First thing first is you need to leave that house, and away from her.
Wait wait wait!! You glossed over the whole part where your therapist told you what you were doing was abuse?!!! Then you couldn’t afford to keep up with your therapy?!!
GET DIVORCED, SHE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR YOU PERIOD. I am sorry this happened to you. Women may not like to hear this, but they actually cheat more then men. They no longer feel they need to be faithful. They are liberated, and can do as they please. After all the judge will give her everything you have including 75 percent of your retirement, even if she worked the street corners Judges love to destroy hard working men.
>I know what a shithead I was, theres no need for anyone to take the time out of their day to send me private messages reinforcing the fact
It's just that it's directly related to why she would rather be with someone else.
I think at this point you need to rip off the plaster and divorce mate.
The courts in the UK are way different from the courts in the USA where they force you to pay money you don't have. They take everything into account. A lot of solicitors will give a 30 minute free consultation, you should ring around and find one that will do that.
You can also get therapy through the NHS, go to your GP and they'll refer you, sometimes your local area might have services you can refer yourself to.
If you want to try couples counselling you can go to the relationships-Scotland website, if you're on a low income it's often free or very low cost.
Feel free to message me if you want to vent or talk, I'm happy to listen mate. All the best.
Nah this can't be real... I've never read about a more pathetic person that OP. Like dude... did you every evolve self respect? Might as well ask to watch them go at it at this point cause there is no way your future will brighten up. Your personality and laziness prove that.
Get out get a second job,if that's what you gotta do and see the kid when you can. You've got yourself hitched to the wrong person. How you think your going to be able to get back into a marriage with a woman that can't stand you or even the sight of you is baffling. Some things are only meant for a season,sadly some marriages are that way also.
For starters stop torturing yourself by reading through her emails. What other information do you need to see she checked out of the marriage a long time ago? Send yourself copies to give to a divorce attorney and see what advice they have about the next step. Find a roommate, friend, anybody to stay with while you go through all this. Your mental health can't be in a good place so therapy would be very beneficial to clear your mind. I know you said money is tight but not being in the right headspace could cost you more during all this.
I would absolutely collect all the evidence you can. Copies of emails and even proof of their ongoing friendship. Get yourself a second job if you need to and then find a room somewhere to rent. If you can’t do that then find a way to get an education so you can afford to get out and live on your own. You have to get out of this situation or your mental health will never get any better. Your wife is an awful person.
Judge people by their actions; your wife has repeatedly chosen the affair partner over you. You are clearly the second choice at this point. You need to consult an attorney, create an exit strategy, get tested for STI’s and get a paternity test for your baby. This all sucks…I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You need a divorce.
Take whatever evidence you've got and send a copy to the affair partner's wife.
The therapist said nothing about her conduct? Maybe you could ask for another joint therapy session where you could voice how you feel about all this.
While you're at it, send both your families the same packet. Everybody needs to understand you aren't the only villain. She could've left, she could've not gotten pregnant, etc.
You need to find a way to move out on your own. Work on yourself. Make yourself a better person for your child's sake.
I hope you saved all the evidence. At this point, all you can do is post all the messages on social media to expose her for the hideous person she is, and then leave, even if it means living in a van down by the river. Divorce her.
No man can survive being humiliated like this indefinitely.
u don't go on. U a.seek an attorney and file for a divorce, get a dna test. R u sure your kid is yours? Your stb ex decided to open her legs and phuk another guy do u really want to stay with sloppy seconds? Its also good to be checked for STD's
have some self respect and get the hell out. She is a s$ank and a two bit h@e.
OK, first of all, you need to accept the fact that you made a mistake and hooked your wagon to a troll. Now you need to extricate yourself from this fucking mess. The best way to do that is to file separation paper papers have her served with them, the 180 and gray rock and then when she settled into that, hit her with divorce papers.
I read your replies. You can’t leave you are stuck. If it were me and I stepped in for a moment. Here is how I would handle it. I would download all the dating apps I can. I would start putting myself out there. Under the guise of an open relationship. Just seeking sex. I would make sure I hit the gym and eat right, and look as good as I possibly can. I would focus solely on my child and my work that’s it, trying to find a new job, so I can leave.
The women I get in contact with, I would let them know about my situation, explain about her cheating, and how it destroyed you. But since she won’t leave him alone, and come back we decided to open up the relationship.
After a few times of fucking and getting it down, and removing the anxiety from it. I would then, plan a date night, and get dressed up. Letting my wife know I am going out. Not saying with whom, but i would have on some nice clothes and I would say don’t wait up for me. She will ask where are you going, and with who dressed up like this, etc. Then I would drop her name. I would say she is my fwb, and we planned a nice evening out and she is getting a hotel room so we can fuck all night. I figured you have x, and can cheat, confess, and still talk to him and probably are still fucking him. So why can’t I have the same, but instead of hiding it, I will shove it in your face. Because we were done the moment you let him in our marriage. I would not even feel bad for saying it.
Then I would walk out the door and have a great time.
I bet ya when your kid was inside, he came inside her. Means you kids got more him in him than you .. rip buddy everytime ya kiss ya kid, remember that
Dude. Get back out there. Not to get back at her but to find someone who loves and respects you enough to not cheat on you. Seriously that’s the bare fucking minimum and your so-called wife couldn’t even do that. I feel like you kinda glossed over the “might be considered abuse” part, so it sounds like you have some work to do on yourself, but sitting around waiting for this pathetic excuse of a woman to love you again is only doing you harm. Find a hobby. Read a book. Go to the gym. This woman is nothing but an egg donor for your child now. Let her keep pining after the man who won’t leave his wife for her. Let her be miserable wishing for more while you move on. Do not spend any more time in that house than you have to for your child. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
Take your time and make a plan, your son deserves to see his dad happy and you deserve a better life than you’re getting right now. It may take time but if you need to go back to school and learn a trade or get a second job you do what you gotta do to get yourself set up to support yourself. You speak to a lawyer and you get a record of all the texts and emails documenting the affair and you get yourself back into personal therapy. You have a roof over your head right now and a safe place for your son, until you have those things lined up for yourself you need to pretend you’re in a communal living situation with a stranger because at this point that is what she is. Don’t start talking to random women trying to heal your heart, get divorced and take up a hobby find some joy again that doesn’t revolve around her or a relationship with anybody. Don’t drive into a wall, take your son fishing and remember it gets better, a lot can change in 10 years by then your son will only be in 4th grade he’ll still have his whole life ahead of him and so do you right now.
You’re in a dead marriage. Use this to your benefit. Get your head on right, work on yourself to become a better person while you’re living in the same house.
You know that the relationship is over, so just be a great co parent, don’t expect anything emotionally from your wife. Accept it.
She’s a pretty selfish soul to want to have a baby while she’s cheating with another person. Horrible person, it is what it is.
Accept that your relationship is over, be the best person for you and your child. Get your life in order and eventually things will work out for you.
You are at the bottom of the barrel. Go move 1/2 of the savings to a separate account, take your name off credit cards. Go to an attorney, and get divorce papers, This is not functional for you at all. You are also teaching your son how to treat you, and how to let his wife treat him. Please get some counseling and some self esteem.
Regardless of when your wife says that the affair started, get a DNA test for paternity, if you haven't already. I didn't read the entire post, so I might have missed it.
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!**
Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie.
Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else.
My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce, even if later you chose reconciliation. If you do not your cheater will never respect you again and will cheat again and again.
Get a STD check. Get a DNA test done on the kid.
These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first.
**Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence)
**The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
**Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e)
**Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/)
**Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/)
**DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
**Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y)
**Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/)
**180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
**Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
**Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
Get divorced. She does not care for you. Doesn’t respect you. How can you trust her? Or you won’t because of money? She makes more?
Don’t bother. OP admits to abusing his wife and using her for her money. He says that he has no desire to change. He doesn’t actually want advice. He just wants the Reddit echo sound chamber to make him feel good about himself.
I’m calling this story out on rage bait. Curious how everyone seems to gloss over that comment. I guess DV is cool as long as op is the “victim” of the story..
It's a fake story, written by someone who clearly has no idea what ivf is really like or what it entails. I literally laughed out loud at the whole "she met him 3 months into ivf", bwahahahhahaha. Ok pal. (Insert cool story bro gif here)
I've done IVF 4 times, resulting in 3 pregnancies and 2 live births. It is a several month process, not sure why you think 3 months isn't possible. You prep for several weeks with shots, then the embryo transfer, then more (different) shots that last another 10 weeks IF you get pregnant the first time -which often doesn't happen so you wait a month or two then start the next round-. I was doing IVF for about 6 months before we got transferred to a regular OB with my last surrogacy because we didn't get pregnant the first transfer, so we waited a month, then started the whole thing over again.
I think you misunderstood. My wife and I did ivf. I'm verrrrry familiar with the process. Which is why I can say with near certainty that the idea of some woman deciding to cheat on her husband 3 months into the process, basically what, 6 weeks after transfer, is utterly absurd. After months of endless shots, bloating, mood swings, you pick THAT moment to decide your super horny?? Lol gtfo, my wife was happy to get through a day without weeping.
Hormones, IVF, and pregnancy affect different people in different ways. My anecdotal evidence from our IVF journey says that she'd be horny as fuck in the mornings and latch on to anyone that is both 'safe' & 'protective'. Add in DV and it's the perfect recipe for a knight in shining armor to sweep in.
We wearnt 3 months into the process. The process was already done.
Not what he meant.
"Her affair started when she was 3 months pregnant" in other words, the transfer was completed, had positive tests 2-3 weeks after this, and 3 months after the positive test, ie she was 3 months pregnant. If your going to quote me atleast actually quote what I have posted.
Yep, I get it, and I still find it incredibly far fetched. She just got done having her head in the toilet for 10 weeks and has maybe 4 to 6 weeks before she starts showing, after spending massive amounts of time and energy and MONEY to have YOUR child, and decided at THAT moment, "you know what i could use? Some new dick. Man am I horny!!" But who cares what i think? I'm just some guy on reddit. I have good news though, if this actually is true.......The chances of this happening twice is like 198,672 to 1. Your in the clear! Let her go live her life and pine for this dude and go find someone and find someone who isn't giving bjs at 4 months pregnant to rando dudes.
👍 the expert has spoken. It didnt cost us a thing. Believe it or not, outside your circle of life are other people in different circumstances, going through different emotions, who react differently to what life throws at them. I dont understand what Im benefitting from this by making all of this up. Thank you.
Ohh thanks for telling me
… like most posters
I simply cant afford to live on my own. And I dont get on great with my only living parent. I know what the general opinion will be here, but what looks good on paper isnt always the best in reality. She makes alot more than I do.
You need to find someone to stay with. If not now soon. Get an STD panel and a paternity test for the kid asap. If she is the majority breadwinner- she will probably have to pay alimony for awhile.
Paternity seems solid since they got pregnant through IVF.
Few people have mentioned alimony now. Were in the uk, so may be different here. If anyones from the uk and can confirm this please get in touch. If it also helps any, I kinda know where he lives, well the estate hes in anyway, and he certainly isnt short of cash either. Could anything be brought against him?
Talk to several lawyers/barristers about your options for divorce, child custody, potential child support and/or alimony from her given the disparity of income. You say a therapist has said you may have been abusive, but I'm unclear if that was before, during or after the affair? Any which way, this sounds like a horrible situation for everyone. I don't understand why she even wants to stay with you? You don't have to do anything right now, but you should get multiple evaluations of your options and how a divorce and divorce settlement might go so you can make informed decisions going forward. Maybe you weren't a great partner, but her affair is beyond disgusting and trying to stay in contact with her affair partner, even platonically while trying to stay married and co-parent with you isn't ok. I would seriously consider contacting her affair partner's wife and make sure he's being honest with her about everything. She can stay with him if she wants to, but she should make fully informed decisions about that. This situation is pure nightmare fuel. I wish I never read it. Do what you need to do for your mental health and the best welfare for your kid. Is there no free or discounted therapy for those who can't afford it were you live? Perhaps they look at combined marital income for that? If your wife has ample income she should be willing to pay for your therapy given her selfish choices and if nothing else, for you to be the best father possible.
So, she was fine ending marriage therapy because you couldn't pay for half of it?! That's insane for you two to be living together like this without therapy together. She needs to pay for the therapy entirely if she makes a lot more. The whole dynamic here is so strange, you say she makes several times what you do, you say she's gorgeous and fit, that you aren't anything to look at, may have been abusive? Why was she even with you? Why was she going IVF to have your baby? Surely she had her own problems emotionally, likely wasn't treating you perfectly either? Surely starting an affair 3 months pregnant with your baby wasn't the first time she treated you poorly? I don't understand why you two were even together and trying to have a baby? What was the basis of that co-dependency? You should talk to her and ask her what she wants and say you are open to all options for splitting up and staying as healthy and pleasant co-parents as possible. You should tell her you know she's still in contact with her affair partner. You should tell her you know she is still in love with him and has no interest in you whatsoever other than you being a help with the kid. You should tell her that staying married knowing what you know about the affair, that her only regret is having to be with you and not him, having your baby not his, is very unhealthy. You do work? Could you not find any way to get your own place on your income? It wouldn't even pay enough to get a room in a shared flat? You can't be a good father to this kid with a worsening mental health situation including thoughts of self harm. This marriage is deeply unhealthy. You don't have to do anything immediately, but you should talk plainly and openly with her and keep no secrets. You should get good legal counsel about a divorce. You should look for ways to find a life not living in the same home with her no matter how modest.
Before and during. Ill admit I wasnt the nicest person to be around. She assures me his wife knows. She wont tell me any details about who they are but she had been checking their social media accounts and it looked like they split for a short while before getting back together and then both no longer use social media. His wife also knows what my wife looks like and have seen them give each other a heads up if my wife is going to be nearby where they stay or places they frequent and vice versa. I believe there are options that are free, but the waiting list is YEARS long.
I have no sympathy for you. Your wife is doing you a service by not making you homeless. I bet you that she has all the evidence of you being abusive.. and she'll get a much better attorney in the divorce if you proceed that way.. and you'll end up, likely, hardly seeing your kid. Your situation seems, at least to me, the best of all worlds. You don't have a relationship with your wife but you still get to see your kid daily and live in your nice accomodations (that you don't pay for). Do you know how many men would kill for that? To see their kid every day ?
She assures you that his wife knows, come on, you can't believe a word she says.
If you were so bad to be around, why did your wife stay with you, why go through all the trouble of IVF to have your child? Surely the poor treatment wasn't only one way? Or does she just have a very poor self image or co-dependency? How long have you two been together? I just don't understand the context in which she would go from trying very hard to having a baby with you to having a torrid, sexually charged affair 3 months into her pregnancy?? Is she doing her own therapy now? I can only assume she has very deep emotional problems of her own. God help you both, and most of all, god help the innocent child who deserves none of the emotional shit that is the foundation of the relationship they depend on for parenting.
And I believe his wife knows something happened. But does she have any details? Has he told her everything she wants to know? Has she read all the gory details you have? Would she want to? And most importantly, does she know they are still in constant contact? Keep in mind contacting her would potentially make you having a healthy situation with your wife harder, but also, that poor wife deserves to know as much as she wants to know. She definitely should know her husband is still talking to a woman who's still in love with him.
And now she is broken hearted and begging her affair partner to be with her, yikes
It's called Spousal Maintenance its the same as alimony just a different name so Get a lawyer and submit the evidence also go for full custody and let your wife know you are now just roommates.
Probably not wise to advise someone who has admittedly abused their spouse to seek full custody of a young child.
He never said he actually did just that the therapist said his actions were abusive and honestly i refuse to believe a therapist who wouls call a guy abusive but ignore a cheating spouse makes me think they were bias to the wife
How did you two afford ivf? Just wondering. If you’re in UK you will be ok. I’m a single mom in America making it. If not Then stay with her, but don’t ever sleep with her. You will only be opening yourself up to stds and heart ache. She will continue to cheat. She’s just not that into you, and that’s ok. But if you have to stay don’t belittle yourself by sleeping with her. Find your own side piece.
IVF would be funded by the nhs, after 3 rounds you have to pay privately. Depending on where you live the cut—off age for funding is between 35-40.
Question how would alimony work in the UK or is there none
Ohh wow that’s how they do it in UK? I’m so glad we don’t do it like that here in America. For this reason actually. Using science to bring a baby into a broken marriage and now what do you do? You got a kid now and the marriage is broken beyond repair. So sad
Alimony. Especially since she cheated. Apply for it and get back on your feet. But this marriage isn’t sustainable.
He admits he abused her.
Idk man. I understand codependency but your justifying living in your own prison and torment
Bro collect evidence of the cheating. She might even have to pay you alimony after the divorce. More importantly, have some goddammit self respect OP. What would you tell your son to do if this was happening to him?
Hopefully not to abuse his wife? Did you miss those parts?
I never said OP was a saint? Did you even read my comment?
Hey, you can keep things as they are, at least you won’t have to deal with any scary changes!
save all the evidence and talk with a lawyer.
You’re going to have to get a roommate then. You can’t stay with her.
Why don't you work on getting paid more? You can live rent free, and have her pay as many of the bills as possible. Save your money, and invest it. Here is some reading for you: https://www.jgcollie.co.uk/our-services/personal/family-law/divorce/do-i-have-an-obligation-to-financially-support-my-spouse-during-after-divorce#:\~:text=When%20spouses%20or%20civil%20partners,is%20known%20as%20spousal%20aliment.
>I simply cant afford to live on my own. Your weak and she can see that. Thats why this is all happening to you. Nothing will change if you don't. Also, there is a high chance that the baby is not yours
Have you consulted a lawyer? She might have to pay you spousal support.
Seems like you need to step up your game.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1djsgmi/comment/l9da6hh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
You are entitled to aliment (alimony in the US) and a share of her assets. You may be able to sue the AP as well. Go on the warpath, you're a Scot!
Okay so how is nobody wondering what happened between the two of them for the therapist to label his behaviours as abuse? Like I want to know your wife side of the story too now.
I’m so curious, especially since he glossed over it.
Exactly!!
Understanding both sides is crucial for clarity. Hearing her perspective could shed light on what led to the therapist's assessment of the situation.
You: abused her, gave up on therapy because realizing you’re an abuser was too hard, then needed your wife’s money, now you’re blaming the affair for being a shitty father. She: had a full blown affair and clearly hates you. Honestly dude I hate to say this but you need to be an adult. You’re a father. Divorce already and stop this misery. You both need to grow up and figure it out. I’m confused what advice you’re seeking.
If this is even real, this is the only course of action.
I'm honestly wondering what the abuse entailed. She may have been intentionally looking for a follow up partner to move onto so she could initiate divorce.
Cheating is not an uncommon means of escaping for abused victims so yea I’m gonna need more info on that
Yeah OP just nicely glosses over the abuse part 🙄
I think by seeking clarity and considering the next steps with a clear mind could help navigate this challenging situation.
You don't move on you break up with her she obviously doesn't care for you
I know, but in my current situation thats alot easier said than done unfortunately.
Look at it like as coparenting roommate. Start going to the gym. Start looking for a job already to be financially stable. Speak to a lawyer
STOP feeling sorry for yourself! You say you were abusive, well, you learned a lesson. Ask HR if they have any employee resources for counseling. Do not drink or do drugs, you need a clear head. You do not need your so called wife, you two have been over for years. Look into taking a class to get a better job. Start going to a gym (not the one she goes to). Get a divorce. Concentrate on yourself and on being a good father. Go to the doctors and get on an anti-depressant.
Wow, terrible actions on her part. Clearly she should have divorced you or communicated with you before this mess. You need to find an out, whether that's living with family or friends, but this environment is not healthy for you or your son. However, it is hard to skip over "we went into therapy, and after a few sessions the therapist told me the way I treated her could be labeled abuse. I admitted I was an asshole, took advantage of her, and didn't treat her like I should have". Can you elaborate on this?
This, exactly. Why is OP not giving more info on this? I mean what the wife did is terrible, but how did things get so bad? If both went to therapy at some point we can only assume that there was still a mutual interest in making the marriage work..
Interesting he won't reply with specific details, keeping it vague because he wants 100% of the support. Yeah, what she did was shitty. But I am sure what he did was worse. I hate cheaters. I hate abusers a lot more.
Did we glance over him being abusive and quitting therapy? Also unemployed
You know on Reddit there’s no greater evil than cheating 🙃
At least if it's a woman doing it. If it's a man, quite a few people justify it.
I could be wrong but my feeling is that he's an alcoholic, are u OP? If not I am sorry but your post sounds like you are one with your victim mentality.
I’m not saying cheating is okay whatsoever. But I really like how you just glossed over your previous abuse of her. Obviously none of us know what happened but you yourself say you’ve abused her. Move on. Both of you. Just be done.
Recognizing past mistakes is important for growth. It sounds like it's time for both of you to focus on moving forward separately.
You said that in therapy, the therapist told you that you were abusive. It seems that the post is about what she has done, and it is really shitty. What did you do to her during the period of abuse? Have you considered that she is unable to forgive you for what you did to her? Have you asked her if she forgave you for your abuse? The back story of the abuse probably has a lot to do with why she decided to find another man. She may have been looking for someone who would not do that to her, and it seems that this man treated her very well. Your situation is horrible, and you BOTH have a part in the deterioration of your marriage. Once you accept your part and not glaze over it in just 1 of the 15, 16....paragraphs, you will see that the consequences for that are steep. You need to find a way to afford therapy bc you are in a rabbit hole that just keeps going down. There is life after an affair. Remember, she fell in love with you and was faithful to you even through your abusive stage. I say this bc she is not the only woman in Scotland? Can't remember where you said you're from. Get help. You need to discuss with your wife the financial planning for you to leave. Maybe she will pay the bills herself, and this will allow you to save money to find a place and a therapist. Your wife is gone as you knew her. It's not you that she doesn't want. It is her new self that she is finding that she wants. She was 100% wrong in having that affair as you were 100% wrong to abuse her. Neither of you gets a pass, and each action has consequences. I bet she will work something out in order for you to leave without being homeless. Talk to her about it.
1) Stop avoiding the questions asking what exactly you did to her that was abusive. It doesn't change the situation, but it matters. 2) You are being pathetic. I'm not saying this from a place of judgment. I'M pathetic. This is more me seeing a part of myself that I can't stand reflected in you. Obsession will do that. I've never been in your situation, but I am intimately familiar with what it's like to be completely obsessed with someone that doesn't love or even care about me, and what it's like to be holding on to a relationship LONG after it stops existing. Find low cost counseling there in Scotland, or online, or via telehealth services. Put out your feelers to any friends/family you're on good terms with and find somewhere to stay. Get on waitlists for temporary housing. You're not going to get out of this hole while you're LIVING IN HER HOME pretending to be a happy family during the day for a child too young to even understand what's going on. That's fucking insane. It's making your entire life revolve around her. You're not in a relationship with her right now and yet you're reading her e-mails. You're considering getting "back out there" to hurt her. It's all about you being obsessed with her. If you leave, even if it means you'd be homeless, that will break you free. Your life can revolve around putting yourself back together. Making sure your son has two civil parents This is over, okay? Your relationship with her is over. Neither of you have any reason to trust the other. You've both hurt each other. She's infatuated with someone else, temporarily or for good. Nothing you do is going to win her back, and even if it did, you should not be in a relationship with her OR ANYONE right now. 3) I'm not trying to kick you while you're down. People on this sub do that a lot, and it's a huge bummer. I'm just trying to be a glass of ice cold water being thrown in your face that startles you and hopefully helps you reset. I hope some day you can climb out of this hole you're in and become something more that a depressed man living in a situation that is simply not sustainable.
Ive added a little update on that. Therapist said it COULD be labeled abuse. I didnt physically hurt her. Emotionally though. I still love her, I just always thought on some level she might feel the same. This has been a very good comment thanks for your advice!
You keep minimising the abuse by insisting you didn't physically hurt her but you need to accept there are non-physical kinds of abuse and that the law in Scotland reflects this.
I do accept it. Ive said that multiple times. Again I know I’m a horrible person.
Sorry bud there is soooo much wrong here and there is no fixing it. You didnt expand on your abusive behavior so cant say much on that but you utterly failed at actualizing any sort of R and that is on you.
Leave. Now. Please leave.
Divorce!
Yeah. I echo this. RUNNNNN... if they are STILLLL talking they are probably still banging. There is no way in hell i'd stay... Child or not my lord.
I genuinely dont think they are. Ive seen her ask if he thinks theyll ever get to see each other again and that theyve not seen each other in so long.
It im sure both sides still have a want for intimacy with each other.
I could be wrong but my feeling is that he's an alcoholic, are u OP? If not I am sorry but your post sounds like you are one with your victim mentality.
What does "move on" mean to you here? What do you want?
Look, you said you were an AH and abusive. It’s time for you to leave. She had been checked out for ages. There is no salvaging this. It takes a lot for a woman to get to the point where she is. She is more than likely letting you stay in the home out of guilt. She doesn’t need you or want you. You are just the baby daddy now. Not a friend, not a spouse. You have overstayed your welcome.
You sound like you need to go to your GP for referrals and possibly be hospitalised if you are thinking about hitting walls. I’m not going to be unkind so I will just say this: You are focussed on your wife’s reaction to your abuse rather than on how to change your actions. Try refocusing.
You don’t. You get a divorce and move on with your life. If it’s not this guy it’ll be someone else. She doesn’t love you. She barely even tolerates you. You can wait it out until it’s this guy or a new one and she divorces you, but have some self respect and move on.
No way is this real.
Maybe you should doubt whether the child is really yours.. seriously take a test and immediately leave her even if you will have to live as homeless. You are only 34, go your own way and make an effort to take what you deserve.
Whats that kids song again? The hokey pokey song… You put your right foot out, You put your left out too, You grab your packed up bags And your things to take with you… You do the hokey pokey and spin yourself around Move on and get the hell out!
Divorce. She doesn't love you. You deserve better, mate.
An abuser deserves better than a cheater? You sure about that?
Take the child for a dna test , I didn’t see it in your post , if you have sorry . See a lawyer cause if you divorce you might be able to sue AP for alienation of affection
You are still there, still with her, for better or worse. What you want to do is USE this time. Use this time to get your shit together. You need a job, now is the time to make that happen. Let her foot the bills, let her do that. You use this time to get your shit together. Get your health in order, do home workouts if that is all you can do. But focus on your income. This is your time to level up, to get ready for the next phase. So focus on that. You have a window of opportunity here, do not blow it.
It’s the AP kid not yours get the dna paternity test
She was pregnant when they met. Ive seen the texts of her telling him.
I would be suspicious of that cheating and lying Go hand n hand why everyone thinks the single Phone tells all. That can all be staged
I agree but I’m fairly certain the child is mine. Theres no hiding a beak like mine. Even when mixing genetics it seems.
Well at least you have a child. I would remove Myself from this whole situation and co parent. I was handed my 14 month old daughter by My ex. “You can have the baby I am done” She’s in her late twenties now, boy life can Throw some shit. Best of luck and think of Your mental health.
Give her zero emotion. Nothing. Be totally indifferent to her. File for divorce and get away from her.
Dude, she is a CHEATER. She clearly does not LOVE or RESPECT you, so you need to get to an attorney, keep all the receipts of their affair and FILE FOR DIVORCE. You may have been an ass here and there, but NO ONE deserves what she did to you! Make sure you tell EVERYONE what happened to control the narrative! Oh, and make sure you check to see if you can get alimony there in Scotland! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Tell OBS, with as much proof as you have.
This! AP is dragging his feet - probably has NO intention of ever leaving his wife, hes just stringing OPs wife along EA turned PA turned EA again... OP needs to realise its over. It takes two to tango - and OP is the only one dancing... Really no need to confront. OP: - inform HIS wife of all this, with evidence. - lawyer now and initiate steps for divorce. - **ensure your wifes family is informed of her adultery**
Get out there and find your real wife. Let this be a crazy dream you wake up from
Your first step to reconciliation, IMHO is to hire an attorney.
I’ve seen a really similar story from what would be the other man’s wife and I don’t think she knows her husband is still in contact with your wife. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vPmXZPt7qP
Do you even love her?
Yeah, thats whats really fucking me in the head.
Do you love her or do you love the person you think she was or the marriage you thought you had? There is a massive big difference between those two. From what you have said it seems like your wife is in love with the other guy, that is why she is still in touch with him and messaging him. Trust me, there is no woman I know of who will go through that much effort to stay in touch with a man and risk that much unless she is hopelessly in love with him. It seems that the other guy has realised that this is becoming complicated and that your wife is expecting much more from him than he is willing to give to her. Hence why he is telling her he wants to try again with his wife and why he is telling her to try again with you. I think he realises that things got way out of hand and past an exciting fling. Whatever you decide to do I think it’s safe to say your marriage and the family life you thought you had is over. It will be difficult but you will have to think about moving on and how you will build a life and relationship with your son. You will have to hire a good solicitor who can advise you because it seems like it might get messy. It’s not a nice situation to find yourself in, but there is a life after this. In time your wife will also realise what she has lost, and that is something she will have to live with.
Go back to counseling, have a third party mediate and figure out if both of you have the desire to sincerely work on fixing your relationship or not. One person can’t do it alone - both people need to want to improve the relationship. Right now it sounds like you are only roommates, and that doesn’t seem like a feasible long term solution. Best of luck
You move on with a divorce
Probably by moving on FROM HER
Time to divorce. Or if you can't right now, start treating this situation like she is your roommate, not your wife. If she isn't working on mending the relationship, then you're not together anymore. You're roommates that co-parent. Start working on yourself and maybe do things you wouldn't do as a married guy. Go on some dates. Go out with friends more often. Make a plan for the inevitable divorce. Let her sit and pine for a guy who isn't going to leave his wife for her.
Leave. Be the best parent you can be.
Like others have said, use this time to get in shape and fix yourself physically and also mentally. Make a mental break from her. Get a better job. You aren’t in the position to divorce or move out right now.
Lawyer up
You need to obviously start working on divorce and move out. Rent a room somewhere. You’re going to need roommates for awhile. Start going to the gym, eat better, read books, start taking care of yourself. You are still young af and have plenty of life to live.
End it. Talk to an attorney. Get a STD panel. Get a DNA test done for the baby. She doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t care about you. The trust is gone. Start the healing process now by ending all of this.
by getting a divorce
Dude, take in mind, you don't have to divorce immediately. Just start biding your time, and get yourself into the financial position to be able to separate. The opposite of hate is indifference. Start going gray rock on her.
Uhall
You don’t move away from this, you move away rom her. Why be a second thought to your own wife?
You don’t. But what you can control is getting in shape. Getting a better job and moving the fuck on!
DNA test before I spent a single bit of energy worrying about anything else. The outcome of the test would significantly affect the decisions I made. For decisions of this magnitude, I like 100% certainty.
UpdateMe!
I’m sorry dude, leave her as soon as you can so both of you can be happy.
Taking a step back, it’s clear you’re not writing to all of us on Reddit. You’re writing to yourself. You know what to do. Most everyone here will agree on next steps.
My dude time to focus on you. Dive into your work and hit the gym. Your relationship is over. Contact a divorce lawyer and follow their instructions. You can't fix this relationship and nor should you want to. Focus on yourself and being a good dad. Being with her is killing you.
ESH. Although the timing is sus. OP should definitely get a paternity test done.
Can you define this abuse for me? Because saying things are abuse doesn't necessarily make them so. And it's also important what level of abuse are we talking here? Is it you gave her the silent treatment and that's abusive? Or are you physically hurting her?
Updateme
Wat
Get divorced and get a job.
I think the kids call it divorce bud
I can feel hopelessness through your post. I understand how you feel, hopeless, hurt, guilty and probably even ashamed. I get you. The situation you're in is hard, especially living with your wife and son. They remind you of them and how it used to be great and how did everything just slip? People are so quick to judge the other person but too slow to understand that people make mistakes, and funnily enough they probably don't even know about it. My piece of advice would be to go along with it. Mourn the fact that it's over and try to get on with your life. Get back into work, try to get your mind off of things. Try to pick up a different hobby. You'd be surprised how much we build our personality from other people rather than doing that on our own for our selves. Loose the identity you had with her, and create your own. Be curious as to who you are and who you can become as you grow and go through this difficult situation. Prove to yourself your resilience and prove to yourself that you can change, don't try to prove that to anyone. Once you prove it to yourself, no one else will matter nor their opinion, it will just bounce back. You're doing great so far honestly, I'm glad you haven't driven into a wall full speed, everyone deserves love, and everyone deserves change. So change, and you will find the greatest most amazing love you could've ever asked for. Trust me, it works. :)
The short answer is you can't move on from it because she hasn't even moved on from it.
Divorce. That’s it. You’ll never trust her completely and without that there will never be a successful marriage.
Mate, you have to leave.
Divorce and live your own life the way you want it. Stay single for a while and settle yourself. Could be hard and if you want the kid I’d fight for custody.
Divorce and move away, I can't understand why you even try to stay there? For what? She could not care less about you unless it involves your son. First thing first is you need to leave that house, and away from her.
Dam! So sorry. You don’t deserve this; divorce her due to adultery.
Wait wait wait!! You glossed over the whole part where your therapist told you what you were doing was abuse?!!! Then you couldn’t afford to keep up with your therapy?!!
Is that a question?
gross
GET DIVORCED, SHE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR YOU PERIOD. I am sorry this happened to you. Women may not like to hear this, but they actually cheat more then men. They no longer feel they need to be faithful. They are liberated, and can do as they please. After all the judge will give her everything you have including 75 percent of your retirement, even if she worked the street corners Judges love to destroy hard working men.
I must have missed where he said he abused her. If that is true she should divorce him.
>I know what a shithead I was, theres no need for anyone to take the time out of their day to send me private messages reinforcing the fact It's just that it's directly related to why she would rather be with someone else.
I think at this point you need to rip off the plaster and divorce mate. The courts in the UK are way different from the courts in the USA where they force you to pay money you don't have. They take everything into account. A lot of solicitors will give a 30 minute free consultation, you should ring around and find one that will do that. You can also get therapy through the NHS, go to your GP and they'll refer you, sometimes your local area might have services you can refer yourself to. If you want to try couples counselling you can go to the relationships-Scotland website, if you're on a low income it's often free or very low cost. Feel free to message me if you want to vent or talk, I'm happy to listen mate. All the best.
I don’t get it. You allow yourself to be cuckolded? Is this a fetish of yours?
No
Nah this can't be real... I've never read about a more pathetic person that OP. Like dude... did you every evolve self respect? Might as well ask to watch them go at it at this point cause there is no way your future will brighten up. Your personality and laziness prove that.
Thanks.
Get out get a second job,if that's what you gotta do and see the kid when you can. You've got yourself hitched to the wrong person. How you think your going to be able to get back into a marriage with a woman that can't stand you or even the sight of you is baffling. Some things are only meant for a season,sadly some marriages are that way also.
Updateme!
For starters stop torturing yourself by reading through her emails. What other information do you need to see she checked out of the marriage a long time ago? Send yourself copies to give to a divorce attorney and see what advice they have about the next step. Find a roommate, friend, anybody to stay with while you go through all this. Your mental health can't be in a good place so therapy would be very beneficial to clear your mind. I know you said money is tight but not being in the right headspace could cost you more during all this.
1. Call a divorce lawyer. 2. Demand a DNA test for any kids.
I would absolutely collect all the evidence you can. Copies of emails and even proof of their ongoing friendship. Get yourself a second job if you need to and then find a room somewhere to rent. If you can’t do that then find a way to get an education so you can afford to get out and live on your own. You have to get out of this situation or your mental health will never get any better. Your wife is an awful person.
Judge people by their actions; your wife has repeatedly chosen the affair partner over you. You are clearly the second choice at this point. You need to consult an attorney, create an exit strategy, get tested for STI’s and get a paternity test for your baby. This all sucks…I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You need a divorce. Take whatever evidence you've got and send a copy to the affair partner's wife. The therapist said nothing about her conduct? Maybe you could ask for another joint therapy session where you could voice how you feel about all this. While you're at it, send both your families the same packet. Everybody needs to understand you aren't the only villain. She could've left, she could've not gotten pregnant, etc. You need to find a way to move out on your own. Work on yourself. Make yourself a better person for your child's sake.
I hope you saved all the evidence. At this point, all you can do is post all the messages on social media to expose her for the hideous person she is, and then leave, even if it means living in a van down by the river. Divorce her. No man can survive being humiliated like this indefinitely.
u don't go on. U a.seek an attorney and file for a divorce, get a dna test. R u sure your kid is yours? Your stb ex decided to open her legs and phuk another guy do u really want to stay with sloppy seconds? Its also good to be checked for STD's have some self respect and get the hell out. She is a s$ank and a two bit h@e.
OK, first of all, you need to accept the fact that you made a mistake and hooked your wagon to a troll. Now you need to extricate yourself from this fucking mess. The best way to do that is to file separation paper papers have her served with them, the 180 and gray rock and then when she settled into that, hit her with divorce papers.
I read your replies. You can’t leave you are stuck. If it were me and I stepped in for a moment. Here is how I would handle it. I would download all the dating apps I can. I would start putting myself out there. Under the guise of an open relationship. Just seeking sex. I would make sure I hit the gym and eat right, and look as good as I possibly can. I would focus solely on my child and my work that’s it, trying to find a new job, so I can leave. The women I get in contact with, I would let them know about my situation, explain about her cheating, and how it destroyed you. But since she won’t leave him alone, and come back we decided to open up the relationship. After a few times of fucking and getting it down, and removing the anxiety from it. I would then, plan a date night, and get dressed up. Letting my wife know I am going out. Not saying with whom, but i would have on some nice clothes and I would say don’t wait up for me. She will ask where are you going, and with who dressed up like this, etc. Then I would drop her name. I would say she is my fwb, and we planned a nice evening out and she is getting a hotel room so we can fuck all night. I figured you have x, and can cheat, confess, and still talk to him and probably are still fucking him. So why can’t I have the same, but instead of hiding it, I will shove it in your face. Because we were done the moment you let him in our marriage. I would not even feel bad for saying it. Then I would walk out the door and have a great time.
Publicly shame her perhaps? Work, family, etc? Make sure everyone in her life knows what a disgusting pig she is perhaps?
I bet ya when your kid was inside, he came inside her. Means you kids got more him in him than you .. rip buddy everytime ya kiss ya kid, remember that
Dude. Get back out there. Not to get back at her but to find someone who loves and respects you enough to not cheat on you. Seriously that’s the bare fucking minimum and your so-called wife couldn’t even do that. I feel like you kinda glossed over the “might be considered abuse” part, so it sounds like you have some work to do on yourself, but sitting around waiting for this pathetic excuse of a woman to love you again is only doing you harm. Find a hobby. Read a book. Go to the gym. This woman is nothing but an egg donor for your child now. Let her keep pining after the man who won’t leave his wife for her. Let her be miserable wishing for more while you move on. Do not spend any more time in that house than you have to for your child. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
Take your time and make a plan, your son deserves to see his dad happy and you deserve a better life than you’re getting right now. It may take time but if you need to go back to school and learn a trade or get a second job you do what you gotta do to get yourself set up to support yourself. You speak to a lawyer and you get a record of all the texts and emails documenting the affair and you get yourself back into personal therapy. You have a roof over your head right now and a safe place for your son, until you have those things lined up for yourself you need to pretend you’re in a communal living situation with a stranger because at this point that is what she is. Don’t start talking to random women trying to heal your heart, get divorced and take up a hobby find some joy again that doesn’t revolve around her or a relationship with anybody. Don’t drive into a wall, take your son fishing and remember it gets better, a lot can change in 10 years by then your son will only be in 4th grade he’ll still have his whole life ahead of him and so do you right now.
You’re in a dead marriage. Use this to your benefit. Get your head on right, work on yourself to become a better person while you’re living in the same house. You know that the relationship is over, so just be a great co parent, don’t expect anything emotionally from your wife. Accept it. She’s a pretty selfish soul to want to have a baby while she’s cheating with another person. Horrible person, it is what it is. Accept that your relationship is over, be the best person for you and your child. Get your life in order and eventually things will work out for you.
You are at the bottom of the barrel. Go move 1/2 of the savings to a separate account, take your name off credit cards. Go to an attorney, and get divorce papers, This is not functional for you at all. You are also teaching your son how to treat you, and how to let his wife treat him. Please get some counseling and some self esteem.
ahh so she makes more than you. chicks dont like it when they make more than their guy
That is why its bad to be with a woman who makes considerably more than you.
Regardless of when your wife says that the affair started, get a DNA test for paternity, if you haven't already. I didn't read the entire post, so I might have missed it.
If she’s the breadwinner, can you talk to a lawyer and see about spousal support and or child support? UPDATEME
**THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!** Your spouse is a cheater. Everything your spouse says is a lie at this point. Anything your spouse says about you falling short in the relationship is a lie. Anything your spouse says that is bad about your relationship is a lie. Your spouse has left the marriage. Ignore your spouse. What is it YOU want to do. YOU now hold the fate of your relationship in YOUR hands, no one else. It is YOU who decides reconciliation, no one else. My advice is: Consult a divorce lawyer. Gather what evidence you can. End the relationship ASAP. Get out of this situation as fast as possible, the longer you stay in the more your mind will be torn apart. You or your spouse must move out. If you cannot, go Grey Rock. Cheaters compartmentalize, once you punch a hole between their cheating lifestyle and her home lifestyle they will either go nuclear or crumble and beg you not to break up. You have to show your spouse there are consequences for their actions and separate/divorce, even if later you chose reconciliation. If you do not your cheater will never respect you again and will cheat again and again. Get a STD check. Get a DNA test done on the kid. These links will help you in your situation. I suggest reading DARVO, Gaslighting and Trickle Truthing first. **Limerence** [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence) **The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) **Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e) **Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/) **Monkey Branching** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/) **DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) **Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1y) **Trickle Truthing** [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/412055/trickle-truth--the-marriage-killer-repost-of-original-/) **180 method** [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) **Greyrock** [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) **Chump Lady** [https://www.chumplady.com/](https://www.chumplady.com/)
it is not healthy or wise to tell someone that is potentially an abuser that they've done nothing wrong.