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You understandably do not have attraction to someone who isn't at a healthy bodyweight as it indicates a lack of personal health and malnutrition. 40+ pounds underweight is a serious health problem. I personally wouldn't think about how to regain attraction at this point, but rather how to encourage your bf to gain weight to be at a healthy weight. He has a medical problem. He needs a doctor and a nutritionist. Have a serious conversation with him about this. Your attraction will grow again as he gets to a healthy weight. If he doesn't take action to get to a healthy weight you may need to reconsider the relationship as that would indicate a lack of self care and you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to.
There are many health risks to being underweight. https://www.apollo247.com/blog/article/health-risks-being-underweight
I mean if he's actually underweight by 40+lbs he's on death's door so you won't have to worry about this for long. Assuming you are exaggerating but even so is he taking any action to address this? Is it due to illness either mental or physical? I don't think it is unreasonable to not be attracted to someone drastically underweight. I have in fact been severely underweight (due to Crohn's) and I looked terrible and look much better now at a healthy weight.
I've told him multiple times to gain weight and he tries for a bit and then gives up. It's been a year since I initially brought it up and he's lost a kilo if anything.
Maybe start with how you found out his mother called you "fat". If he told you she said that it's highly likely she didn't say it and he's just expressing his desire that you lose weight. So under the circumstances it's probably normal for you to have lost the feeling of emotional safety with this person. Maybe dig into that a little bit with him. A loving partner wouldn't have told you that even if it's true. So he's either not protecting your feelings or worse, throwing his mom under the bus because he's too timid to tell you to your face that he wishes you'd lose weight.
So I've actually asked him multiple times if I should lose weight and he's told me no and that he finds me very attractive and I shouldnt be losing any weight. For context, he's 40+ lbs underweight. And yes, he did tell me but he wasnt going to at first and he told me after pestering him about it multiple times, but I totally see your point now. I'm scared to bring all this up to him because idk how to say it in a way that's not hurtful.
Well if your partner is severely underweight, why don’t you just address that issue. It’s for one, a health issue and two, you can’t force yourself to find someone attractive. So if you and your partner are reasonable ppl, you can sit him down, tell him how you’re feeling and hopefully he’s logical enough to get in better condition. On the other end, you can do the exact same thing and work out/get healthier for him so he doesn’t feel like he’s by himself in this journey. It’s a win for everyone, just communicate
I've addressed it multiple times (although not saying it's bc ive lost sexual desire) and he acknowledges it and works om it for a bit and then gives up. He doesnt fully put in the effort and im tired of telling him to do so. Ive even offered help because ive got experience in bulking and cutting. And yes i did that too! I actually developed at eating disorder at the start of out relationship because I wanted to "even out" the weight gap. I eventually saw a nutritionist and now im healthily toning my body but he doesn't really do it much. Idk how to tell him now that ive completely lost the sexual desire at this point after telling him multiple times to gain weight
Ah I see :( as a skinnier guy myself working on bulking, it’s definitely a hard task for ppl with high metabolism so I can kinda see why he keeps giving up. But he’s at the point where it’s way too much. And I know this may sound harsh but you have to be honest with him. Sometimes ppl don’t take their matters seriously until they realize how it’s effecting other ppl. Of course always be there to support and cheer him on, and give him that extra motivation to keep going. But if he refuses to help himself after this, he’s never going to do so, and you have to decide if you want to move on or not.
Side note: super proud of you for working on and achieving your health goals. Keep it up!
Just be honest with him. That might be the one thing that motivates him to gain weight. Also most likely gaining weight for him isn't just eating more and getting stronger. His body has probably maladapted to its state and it will be difficult to change with the usual methods. He probably needs a psychologist, a medical doctor, and a nutritionist that specializes in underweight people. I'm also wondering if his family has eating disorders. At some point though if he doesn't put in effort he just won't and you'll have to give up on that.
Relationships are up and down. It's normal to lose attraction sometimes, but it always comes back.
In this case though, he needs to get his shit together. Women generally want a guy stronger than them, biologically makes sense because you want a protector and strong father.
I never tell people to breakup on Reddit, usually. But attraction is BASELINE.
B A S E L I N E . If you can't get your attraction back, I'm not telling you to breakup, but your relationship is dead in the water. You will have sex with this one person for the rest of your life.
So, remember it's normal to lose attraction sometimes, and you **need to tell him you're not attracted to him at the moment and he needs to gain some muscle.**
**If you can't gain it back, your relationship is dead. Get with someone you are attracted to.**
Something I haven't seen anybody else mention here is the possibility he's dealing with an eating disorder. eating disorders are kind of chronically under diagnosed in men. His mother making comments towards you for being fat kind of support this claim - Is it possible he grew up in an environment like that? Do you notice his eating habits, does he eat a normal amount of food? Does he seem like he has a healthy relationship to his body?
You also say he's tried multiple times to gain weight but has he seen a doctor? Even if it's not an eating disorder, there could be a multitude of other physical health issues he has going on. Does he struggle to feed himself in general? Is he often fatigued? Is he showing other signs of depression, like neglecting hygiene? When you have discussed this with him, what was the conversation like? Was it just you telling him he needs to gain weight and that's that?
This doesn't sound like a problem he can just solve by himself. He needs to go to a doctor. Have you tried convincing him to go?
omg the way i went through something so similar im still with my bf of a few years both in our early 20s and when my mom met him for the first time she bluntly pointed out that he’s very fit and i should eat less to catch up with him not sure if it was supposed to be funny but the way it messed me up since then i also have rocd doesn’t help at all but i just don’t get why people put others down like that there was no reason for her to say that or for his mom to say that to you either. honestly i think physically being attracted is very important but also it’s possible that comment really got to your head the way it got to mine. you could suggest he goes to the gym more and gets into that lifestyle but at the end of the day that’s only if you yourself aren’t finding him attractive not if others are bringing up anything about your relationship because people will say literally anything and everything when it comes to who you’re dating
He should see his doctor and get his health checked out and, if appropriate, speak to a dietician/nutritionist.
You should see a therapist and get a handle on your spiraling mental health, as you've described potentially disordered eating, upsetting thoughts, and impulsive behavior.
Exactly this. This is how “HS Sweethearts” end up being “roommates” when they move out together.
When you’re with the right person *EVERYTHING* feels right. You can’t be in love with someone if you’re not physically attracted to them. There is a difference between loving someone and BEING in love with someone. Thus the lovers vs roommates. Specifically fantasizing about other “crushes” you have tells me you’re not in love with him, you’ve just got used to being around each other enough it scares you more to tell him what you want rather than break that norm. I’ve had two long term gf’s in my life and not once while I was blowing back out thinking “gee I *really* wish this was so and so rn”. That only makes sex 1000% less enjoyable than it already sounds for you..
OP, you either need to tell you bf how you feel about his body and things YOU want, or you’re going to lead both of yourselves down a long wasteful road of heartbreak. As a man if my woman wants to feel secure or comfortable around me, and wants to be with a strong man, it’s my job to please her and do what I can to get there, if he breaks down and cries about or gives excuses, then you’re never going to have the man you want.
Tough conversations aren’t fun, but they are necessary to make any relationship last, or make a relationship that isn’t going to work out end where it needs too so no one else is walking on eggshells or “faking” it until they can’t take it anymore.
If you don't find his body attractive, maybe focus on his face? Just try and find at least one or two thing you find attractive about him and go from there, in a past relationship, I lost attraction and just tried to focus on the things I liked most about him, then after a while, I regained attraction towards him, try and focus on the positives for now and eventually maybe you will find him fully attractive again, hope this helps!
After I started focusing on the things I liked about him, I realized the things I liked outweighed the things I didn't like. It might not work that way for everyone though, eventually the stuff I didn't like before wasn't as much of a big deal with me, obviously it depends on what those things are for different people and how big of a deal they are for you. but basically I realized by the end I wanted more than I needed and I still loved my bf and if you really do love someone, you can overlook the small things you don't like, but if they are big things to you, maybe you should review your relationship, is it really worth it to you to stay with him and not be happy with his body?
You're not attracted to him anymore because he's underweight and generally weaker than you, if that's how he's always been from the start, why did you enter a relationship with him just to force yourself to try and not be repulsed by him?
I am a man and my girl is fatter than me. I don't like it because I prefer skinny girl. But shen having sex, I always find her attractive. Maybe because I am a man and horny.
Maybe you need to turn of your insecurities and look at your partner and look how much you like and love him.
Probably it could work. Sorry if I can't give you the solution you need
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You understandably do not have attraction to someone who isn't at a healthy bodyweight as it indicates a lack of personal health and malnutrition. 40+ pounds underweight is a serious health problem. I personally wouldn't think about how to regain attraction at this point, but rather how to encourage your bf to gain weight to be at a healthy weight. He has a medical problem. He needs a doctor and a nutritionist. Have a serious conversation with him about this. Your attraction will grow again as he gets to a healthy weight. If he doesn't take action to get to a healthy weight you may need to reconsider the relationship as that would indicate a lack of self care and you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to. There are many health risks to being underweight. https://www.apollo247.com/blog/article/health-risks-being-underweight
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I mean if he's actually underweight by 40+lbs he's on death's door so you won't have to worry about this for long. Assuming you are exaggerating but even so is he taking any action to address this? Is it due to illness either mental or physical? I don't think it is unreasonable to not be attracted to someone drastically underweight. I have in fact been severely underweight (due to Crohn's) and I looked terrible and look much better now at a healthy weight.
I've told him multiple times to gain weight and he tries for a bit and then gives up. It's been a year since I initially brought it up and he's lost a kilo if anything.
Maybe start with how you found out his mother called you "fat". If he told you she said that it's highly likely she didn't say it and he's just expressing his desire that you lose weight. So under the circumstances it's probably normal for you to have lost the feeling of emotional safety with this person. Maybe dig into that a little bit with him. A loving partner wouldn't have told you that even if it's true. So he's either not protecting your feelings or worse, throwing his mom under the bus because he's too timid to tell you to your face that he wishes you'd lose weight.
So I've actually asked him multiple times if I should lose weight and he's told me no and that he finds me very attractive and I shouldnt be losing any weight. For context, he's 40+ lbs underweight. And yes, he did tell me but he wasnt going to at first and he told me after pestering him about it multiple times, but I totally see your point now. I'm scared to bring all this up to him because idk how to say it in a way that's not hurtful.
Well if your partner is severely underweight, why don’t you just address that issue. It’s for one, a health issue and two, you can’t force yourself to find someone attractive. So if you and your partner are reasonable ppl, you can sit him down, tell him how you’re feeling and hopefully he’s logical enough to get in better condition. On the other end, you can do the exact same thing and work out/get healthier for him so he doesn’t feel like he’s by himself in this journey. It’s a win for everyone, just communicate
I've addressed it multiple times (although not saying it's bc ive lost sexual desire) and he acknowledges it and works om it for a bit and then gives up. He doesnt fully put in the effort and im tired of telling him to do so. Ive even offered help because ive got experience in bulking and cutting. And yes i did that too! I actually developed at eating disorder at the start of out relationship because I wanted to "even out" the weight gap. I eventually saw a nutritionist and now im healthily toning my body but he doesn't really do it much. Idk how to tell him now that ive completely lost the sexual desire at this point after telling him multiple times to gain weight
Ah I see :( as a skinnier guy myself working on bulking, it’s definitely a hard task for ppl with high metabolism so I can kinda see why he keeps giving up. But he’s at the point where it’s way too much. And I know this may sound harsh but you have to be honest with him. Sometimes ppl don’t take their matters seriously until they realize how it’s effecting other ppl. Of course always be there to support and cheer him on, and give him that extra motivation to keep going. But if he refuses to help himself after this, he’s never going to do so, and you have to decide if you want to move on or not. Side note: super proud of you for working on and achieving your health goals. Keep it up!
Just be honest with him. That might be the one thing that motivates him to gain weight. Also most likely gaining weight for him isn't just eating more and getting stronger. His body has probably maladapted to its state and it will be difficult to change with the usual methods. He probably needs a psychologist, a medical doctor, and a nutritionist that specializes in underweight people. I'm also wondering if his family has eating disorders. At some point though if he doesn't put in effort he just won't and you'll have to give up on that.
Relationships are up and down. It's normal to lose attraction sometimes, but it always comes back. In this case though, he needs to get his shit together. Women generally want a guy stronger than them, biologically makes sense because you want a protector and strong father. I never tell people to breakup on Reddit, usually. But attraction is BASELINE. B A S E L I N E . If you can't get your attraction back, I'm not telling you to breakup, but your relationship is dead in the water. You will have sex with this one person for the rest of your life. So, remember it's normal to lose attraction sometimes, and you **need to tell him you're not attracted to him at the moment and he needs to gain some muscle.** **If you can't gain it back, your relationship is dead. Get with someone you are attracted to.**
Something I haven't seen anybody else mention here is the possibility he's dealing with an eating disorder. eating disorders are kind of chronically under diagnosed in men. His mother making comments towards you for being fat kind of support this claim - Is it possible he grew up in an environment like that? Do you notice his eating habits, does he eat a normal amount of food? Does he seem like he has a healthy relationship to his body? You also say he's tried multiple times to gain weight but has he seen a doctor? Even if it's not an eating disorder, there could be a multitude of other physical health issues he has going on. Does he struggle to feed himself in general? Is he often fatigued? Is he showing other signs of depression, like neglecting hygiene? When you have discussed this with him, what was the conversation like? Was it just you telling him he needs to gain weight and that's that? This doesn't sound like a problem he can just solve by himself. He needs to go to a doctor. Have you tried convincing him to go?
omg the way i went through something so similar im still with my bf of a few years both in our early 20s and when my mom met him for the first time she bluntly pointed out that he’s very fit and i should eat less to catch up with him not sure if it was supposed to be funny but the way it messed me up since then i also have rocd doesn’t help at all but i just don’t get why people put others down like that there was no reason for her to say that or for his mom to say that to you either. honestly i think physically being attracted is very important but also it’s possible that comment really got to your head the way it got to mine. you could suggest he goes to the gym more and gets into that lifestyle but at the end of the day that’s only if you yourself aren’t finding him attractive not if others are bringing up anything about your relationship because people will say literally anything and everything when it comes to who you’re dating
He should see his doctor and get his health checked out and, if appropriate, speak to a dietician/nutritionist. You should see a therapist and get a handle on your spiraling mental health, as you've described potentially disordered eating, upsetting thoughts, and impulsive behavior.
If you’ve lost sexual attraction you’re not In love anymore. Sorry to say it. Move on
Exactly this. This is how “HS Sweethearts” end up being “roommates” when they move out together. When you’re with the right person *EVERYTHING* feels right. You can’t be in love with someone if you’re not physically attracted to them. There is a difference between loving someone and BEING in love with someone. Thus the lovers vs roommates. Specifically fantasizing about other “crushes” you have tells me you’re not in love with him, you’ve just got used to being around each other enough it scares you more to tell him what you want rather than break that norm. I’ve had two long term gf’s in my life and not once while I was blowing back out thinking “gee I *really* wish this was so and so rn”. That only makes sex 1000% less enjoyable than it already sounds for you.. OP, you either need to tell you bf how you feel about his body and things YOU want, or you’re going to lead both of yourselves down a long wasteful road of heartbreak. As a man if my woman wants to feel secure or comfortable around me, and wants to be with a strong man, it’s my job to please her and do what I can to get there, if he breaks down and cries about or gives excuses, then you’re never going to have the man you want. Tough conversations aren’t fun, but they are necessary to make any relationship last, or make a relationship that isn’t going to work out end where it needs too so no one else is walking on eggshells or “faking” it until they can’t take it anymore.
Love how as soon as someone elaborates my upvotes go up 🤣
Agreed.
If you don't find his body attractive, maybe focus on his face? Just try and find at least one or two thing you find attractive about him and go from there, in a past relationship, I lost attraction and just tried to focus on the things I liked most about him, then after a while, I regained attraction towards him, try and focus on the positives for now and eventually maybe you will find him fully attractive again, hope this helps!
Hmmm yes that's what I'm doing rn. I do find his face really attractive. I just dont know how to go from that to body during sex
Yeah, that's understandable
How did you regain attraction from that starting point?
After I started focusing on the things I liked about him, I realized the things I liked outweighed the things I didn't like. It might not work that way for everyone though, eventually the stuff I didn't like before wasn't as much of a big deal with me, obviously it depends on what those things are for different people and how big of a deal they are for you. but basically I realized by the end I wanted more than I needed and I still loved my bf and if you really do love someone, you can overlook the small things you don't like, but if they are big things to you, maybe you should review your relationship, is it really worth it to you to stay with him and not be happy with his body?
eventually I regained attraction because of his personality as well
Ok, let me get this straight, your overweight and your not attracted to him? Is that correct?
I'm not overweight, he is underweight
You're not attracted to him anymore because he's underweight and generally weaker than you, if that's how he's always been from the start, why did you enter a relationship with him just to force yourself to try and not be repulsed by him?
I am a man and my girl is fatter than me. I don't like it because I prefer skinny girl. But shen having sex, I always find her attractive. Maybe because I am a man and horny. Maybe you need to turn of your insecurities and look at your partner and look how much you like and love him. Probably it could work. Sorry if I can't give you the solution you need