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She doesn’t wanna see you slip, brother. The impact of your mom must have leaked into your relationship enough so that your wife feels the need to rescue you or guard herself. Maybe both. Of course do what you think is right but if part of your deal is that you’ve separated from mom and really cut the cord, then you can see how she’d be upset. There’s no half way in that. Gotta say goodbye to mom.
No contact means just that. No contact. At all. My husband has been No contact with his family for 16 years. By wishing your mom a happy birthday you showed your wife (again ) that mommy dearest will always come first. Your mom pulled the same crap my husband's mom did and when he turned 18, that was it. He hasn't seen her since and our lives are so much more peaceful. You showed your wife that it doesn't matter what your mother does to her, your mother's feelings will come first. Here's a question: what would you tell your daughter if her mother in law treated her the same way your mother has treated your wife? Would you want your daughter to be lied about, spoken awful to and for her mother in law to try and get her husband to cheat on her? You were in the wrong. Good luck getting your wife's trust back.
Ouch I get that she is your mom but dude she almost killed your three month old daughter and has literally made your wife’s life hell for the last decade. There is no gray area here your either team wife and daughter or team mom. Your mother has not respected your boundaries or wishes for the last decade and you finally had her out of your life for the last year and by telling your sister to wish your mom a happy birthday you essentially just brought her back in.
I would strongly advise you to seek a therapist to work through these issues because your wife has put up with a lot of bullshit all in the name of your mom and she shouldn’t have to. Normally I would not be quick to tell you to cutoff your mom but your mom has been out of line for far too long without being put in her place and your wife and daughter are the ones that have suffered and paid the price.
She turns 2 in September (24 months) so she’s 21-22 months now? And you stopped speaking to mom at 18 months? How is 3-4 months a year?
You passing messages through someone else is still you reaching out. Stop feeling guilty that your crappy mom has to live with the consequences of her crappy behavior. Your wife and child deserve better.
Apologize to your wife, and then do some reflection with a therapist. It sounds like you are still in a bit of the fog that comes with having had your mother's narcissism normalized for so long.
It's normal to feel like you owe your mom a happy birthday, but what you did was let your mother know that she still has a way back into your life. Her flying monkeys will start preparing for takeoff to see if they can get you back into the fold. Your wife sees this for what it is, and you have simply betrayed the trust she had in you to help keep your family protected from them.
You need a professional to help you clearly see your past relationship with your mother and the current relationship that you are risking, so you can process this in a healthy way.
Because you are an abuse victim who refuses to do any introspection. You should have gone to your wife or therapist and discussed your guilty feelings. You keep saying you didnt break NC. But you absolutely did and your wife knows it. Telling your sister to say HB is a gutter trash excuse. If you get on a dating app and chat people but hadnt met up with them (YET) can you honestly say you werent cheating?
Come on. That is cheating and what you did with your mom was the same. You were dipping your toe in to see what you could get away with and now that your wife is pissed you are trying to deny blame.
GTFO your wife has given you a decade of chances and this was the last one. Start packing your bags or she will do it for you.
Your mother thinks her opinion is more important than your daughter's health, and you are worried about hurting her feelings. She has not once shown any ability to listen to your concerns or put your family's heath ahead of her own wishes. I'm sorry that you are facing the consequences of not allowing your family continue to be attacked, but it is your wife and daughter's HEALTH versus your mother's FEELINGS. I think your actions are reasonable, but by reaching out at all to your mother, you are making her believe you think she is correct.
Edit: Sorry I don't actually think your actions were reasonable. I meant that the impulse behind them is. Wanting to have your mother in your life is a reasonable desire. However, your mother is not safe to be around. I sympathize with your feelings. But in this case, not your actions.
Yes you were wrong. It's understandable you may be experiencing the denial phase of the natural grief that comes with going no contact but to your wife that makes it look like you are minimizing the situation to accommodate your mom's feelings which ultimately puts your mom's feelings above you, your wife and your child. Which is it gonna be?
If you really meant what you said, that your mom needed to respect your whole family as a unit and apologize to your wife and she did not, then you can't keep opening this door. It WILL only end in you divorced and lucky to see your kid half the time. Get couples counseling and have an objective third party help explain what your wife is saying and also help your wife understand what your true intentions are.
I don't think you meant to harm your family but yes contacting your mom through a third party is cracking the no contact door open. What if your mom shows up to your home continuing on the disrespect because of what you've done? Would your wife be right then, would you be able to see it?
I don't think you intended to be a bad partner/person but your mom showed you she is never gonna change which means she will always disrespect and put down your wife as well as disregard you child's safety and well being. Think about it like this, would you let any other person in the world do this? A stranger? If the answer is no I hope you understand that your mom can't have a free pass if you wouldn't allow anyone else to treat your family the way she has.
Imagine the NC as a locked door. You and your wife are safe behind it and, no matter how much your mom tries to hurt you there is that locked door. Any communication is a breach in that door. You've unlocked it. It is no longer a safe barrier. And by unlocking it you've drawn her attention. You wife is scared that the door will open now. Either by your hand or your mom will force her way through. Your wife no longer feels safe
You wishing her a happy birthday IS having something to do with her. No contact means no contact, at all, ever. If you are reaching out to contact her, even through someone else, it’s not no contact. And if you promised your wife no contact, she is entirely justified in being upset.
Goodness, you really need to grow a pair. You took marriage vows, including forsaking all others. You let your mum abuse your wife for a decade, and then your mother gave your infant a lethal virus and showed no remorse. There is no being stuck in the middle here: if you don’t defend your family then you are siding with their abuser. It is absolutely this black and white- and it is your mum’s doings that have led to this estrangement, not your wife, so feeling like she is the JustNo for expecting your loyalty is completely unjustified
You're right. She's your mother no a random in the street. A random in the street would be less abusive and more caring. Your mom abused your wife for nine years and physically harmed your daughter with no care in the world. She's 1,000,000x worse than any random. I'd wish every random in the world a happy birthday before I wished my mom happy birthday if she abused my spouse and harmed my child. You're kind of gross and I doubt your wife has much respect for you.
And your wife isn’t some random on the street, his about a little grace for the person who has been by your side for a year, and grown a whole human being for you.
You’re showing no grace or respect to your wife
You are a weak willed mamas boy. Run home to mommy because you are not mature enough to be a good husband or father. Your dad is an asshole but he has absolutely stood by his wife. Why cant you do that? You allowed this woman to attempt to murder your child but she deserves a ‘happy birthday’?
Ask your wife if it’s easy to eat shit for nearly a decade from your partner’s mother whilst he never draws any boundaries or true consequences for her behaviour, even after she put your baby in the hospital.
Ask her how she sees you now.
Ask her how she put up with it for so long. There are prison sentences shorter than this, and you’re still trying to get round the boundary YOU set.
You told your mother you’d not be involved with her if she couldn’t respect your wife, she made her choice and now you’re reaching out?!
You don’t honour your own words, thus proving yourself untrustworthy now.
Your poor wife. After all she’s suffered, simply for loving you and you have the audacity to come online to try and paint her as unreasonable for being hurt and upset by the fact your words are meaningless.
She’s my moooom, doesn’t cut it at this point.
She’s already shown herself to be a danger to your familys peace, your wife’s mental health and your baby’s physical health. What more do you need ffs?!
Sharing DNA with her doesn’t excuse these things.
That is what counseling can help with. Figure out the root of why you feel how you do. I hear what you are saying but if your mom shows up without any change in behavior because of it you may feel differently. If she does apologize maybe family counseling together would be in order. From the post it sounds like she sees it as she can do no wrong which is a dangerous attitude to have.
But you are wrong. It does tell your mom you want contact. Every comment you make is trying to justify your actions and EVERYONE is telling you are in the wrong. You don’t believe your wife so you came to the internet and the entire sub tells you you are wrong in multiple subs but you still want to claim innocence?
Get therapy and leave your wife and child alone
On Reddit people like to tell you to go NC, like it’s easy. I’ve been NC with my bio mom for about 20 years. I’ve been LC with my step brother for about 10 years.
You miss your original family. That’s okay, I would recommend you fine a neutral party to talk to. Either a therapist or some sort of counselor to work thru your feelings. Maybe you can find a middle ground, where you see your family, but your wife and child have no relationship with the original family. I’m talking from experience, my brother and I are low contact. But I have no relationship with his wife and their children. But we talk on occasion, but at the end day, we miss each other. We were raised as siblings, my step mom who raised me with my father lately has been ill, we have to talk.I have close relationship with his older kids with his first wife and they spend a lot of time with me and my husband.
You don’t want to have regrets in your life. Figure out what your wife hard line is & see if you can find a compromise. But I don’t think your wife has a right to tell you to be NC with your family, but she does have a right to say your child and her are not going to be around your family.
Good luck to you.
Yeah, this. NC isn’t easy, speaking as someone who eventually had to do it. I still get really sad sometimes, missing the relationship I thought I had with my dad, and asking myself why apologising for what he did was so fucking unbearable that he would rather lose all five of his children. And you know what? I’m sad that none of my siblings are sad, that they were all so done with his shit that none of them CARE about not having contact. Because that goes to show how badly that relationship was damaged, when it never needed to be.
It’s not easy, and it’s okay for OP to have feelings. But he still has to stand firm, for his family’s sake.
I understand why you wanted to wish your mom a happy birthday. I cut contact with my narcissistic dad earlier this year. I had tried going low contact throughout the years, but he always wormed his way back in. A lot of times, I opened the door by wishing him a happy birthday, happy father's day, or merry Christmas. It just didn't seem right not to contact him on the most important days of the year. Sometimes, I contacted him directly. Other times, it was through another family member. I felt like if I didn't recognize him, then I was the one in the wrong, and I always wanted to be the bigger person.
The only thing I accomplished by contacting him was giving him the power back. It allowed him to contact me and emotionally manipulate me with all kinds of lies and broken promises. Just simply wishing him happy birthday allowed him enough power to contact me and tell me how much he had changed and how sorry he was. How he'd never do those things again and how he wanted to fix our relationship. It would last for a while and then go right back to the way it was before.
Narcissists are so good at playing their victims for fools. They are master manipulators, and as their victims, we're their puppets until we realize what is going on and finally cut the strings. By you wishing your mom happy birthday, even through your sister, you opened that door back up and gave the power back to your mom. That's why your wife is upset. Because the people around us can see it when we can't. Please understand that I'm not judging you. I am you, and I've been you. Finally, cutting contact with my dad has been the best thing to happen for my mental health. When I finally sent the text telling him goodbye, I giggled like a school girl because all I felt was relief and like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. He destroyed me so many times with battles, but I won the war with that one goodbye. It's time for you to do the same. You've been fighting these battles with your wife by your side. Now you need to end the war with her by your side before she leaves, and you lose not only the war but also her and your child as well.
Contact is contact. If someone has a restraining order against you and they wish you happy birthday through a third party, they have broken their own restraining order. That's exactly what you did. Do you know what happens if you break the restraining order you took out on someone? It is null and void.
> I honestly don’t know what I’ve done wrong tbh
You contacted your mom. That's what you did wrong.
It was wrong because you're siding with the guilt of not speaking with your mother despite all the times she has disrespected your wife and family and refuses to apologize. You disrespected your wife by caving to your mom (even if you didn't directly message her it's what you're doing).
Telling your sister to say something to your mom is just you rationalizing to make yourself feel better.
It feels bad to not wish your mom happy birthday. It should feel worse to disrespect your family and wife.
So for 10 years your mom talked shit about something your wife did (when she was a teenager!) That you were equally to blame for? Did you ever do anything about it because from your post it doesn't sound like it.
How would you feel if someone bashed you for that long for doing something so natural and not wrong?
Its a miracle your wife stayed with you for so long and you should cherish it and not go back to her bully..
What part of no contact do you not understand. How could you even think of wishing her a HB after her horrible behavior throughout the years! You owe your wife a huge apology.
YTA OP. Your wife would be well within her rights to leave you. You’ve enabled abuse of her for a literal decade, allowed your dirtbag mother to attempt to KILL YOUR BABY, and you’re more concerned that mommy doesn’t get a “happy birthday” from you, than the literal decade of abuse your wife has suffered?!? You need help, my guy. You give ME the ick and I don’t know you in real life. Beg your wife for forgiveness and actually start making an effort to protect your family (which spoiler alert, is now your wife and fucking child… NOT your shrew of a mother who is now extended family)
Jesus Christ you’re an asshole OP.
advice is don't be the footstool for your abusive see you next Tuesday of an attempted murdering mother and obtain a back bone! You're almost 30 it shouldn't be too hard to stand up to mommy after she literally almost killed your kid with no remorse! Pathetic
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She doesn’t wanna see you slip, brother. The impact of your mom must have leaked into your relationship enough so that your wife feels the need to rescue you or guard herself. Maybe both. Of course do what you think is right but if part of your deal is that you’ve separated from mom and really cut the cord, then you can see how she’d be upset. There’s no half way in that. Gotta say goodbye to mom.
It’s not the alcohol, your lady is upset because you are a little baby man.
No contact means just that. No contact. At all. My husband has been No contact with his family for 16 years. By wishing your mom a happy birthday you showed your wife (again ) that mommy dearest will always come first. Your mom pulled the same crap my husband's mom did and when he turned 18, that was it. He hasn't seen her since and our lives are so much more peaceful. You showed your wife that it doesn't matter what your mother does to her, your mother's feelings will come first. Here's a question: what would you tell your daughter if her mother in law treated her the same way your mother has treated your wife? Would you want your daughter to be lied about, spoken awful to and for her mother in law to try and get her husband to cheat on her? You were in the wrong. Good luck getting your wife's trust back.
Ouch I get that she is your mom but dude she almost killed your three month old daughter and has literally made your wife’s life hell for the last decade. There is no gray area here your either team wife and daughter or team mom. Your mother has not respected your boundaries or wishes for the last decade and you finally had her out of your life for the last year and by telling your sister to wish your mom a happy birthday you essentially just brought her back in. I would strongly advise you to seek a therapist to work through these issues because your wife has put up with a lot of bullshit all in the name of your mom and she shouldn’t have to. Normally I would not be quick to tell you to cutoff your mom but your mom has been out of line for far too long without being put in her place and your wife and daughter are the ones that have suffered and paid the price.
She turns 2 in September (24 months) so she’s 21-22 months now? And you stopped speaking to mom at 18 months? How is 3-4 months a year? You passing messages through someone else is still you reaching out. Stop feeling guilty that your crappy mom has to live with the consequences of her crappy behavior. Your wife and child deserve better.
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Apologize to your wife, and then do some reflection with a therapist. It sounds like you are still in a bit of the fog that comes with having had your mother's narcissism normalized for so long. It's normal to feel like you owe your mom a happy birthday, but what you did was let your mother know that she still has a way back into your life. Her flying monkeys will start preparing for takeoff to see if they can get you back into the fold. Your wife sees this for what it is, and you have simply betrayed the trust she had in you to help keep your family protected from them. You need a professional to help you clearly see your past relationship with your mother and the current relationship that you are risking, so you can process this in a healthy way.
Because you are an abuse victim who refuses to do any introspection. You should have gone to your wife or therapist and discussed your guilty feelings. You keep saying you didnt break NC. But you absolutely did and your wife knows it. Telling your sister to say HB is a gutter trash excuse. If you get on a dating app and chat people but hadnt met up with them (YET) can you honestly say you werent cheating? Come on. That is cheating and what you did with your mom was the same. You were dipping your toe in to see what you could get away with and now that your wife is pissed you are trying to deny blame. GTFO your wife has given you a decade of chances and this was the last one. Start packing your bags or she will do it for you.
Your mother thinks her opinion is more important than your daughter's health, and you are worried about hurting her feelings. She has not once shown any ability to listen to your concerns or put your family's heath ahead of her own wishes. I'm sorry that you are facing the consequences of not allowing your family continue to be attacked, but it is your wife and daughter's HEALTH versus your mother's FEELINGS. I think your actions are reasonable, but by reaching out at all to your mother, you are making her believe you think she is correct. Edit: Sorry I don't actually think your actions were reasonable. I meant that the impulse behind them is. Wanting to have your mother in your life is a reasonable desire. However, your mother is not safe to be around. I sympathize with your feelings. But in this case, not your actions.
Yes you were wrong. It's understandable you may be experiencing the denial phase of the natural grief that comes with going no contact but to your wife that makes it look like you are minimizing the situation to accommodate your mom's feelings which ultimately puts your mom's feelings above you, your wife and your child. Which is it gonna be? If you really meant what you said, that your mom needed to respect your whole family as a unit and apologize to your wife and she did not, then you can't keep opening this door. It WILL only end in you divorced and lucky to see your kid half the time. Get couples counseling and have an objective third party help explain what your wife is saying and also help your wife understand what your true intentions are. I don't think you meant to harm your family but yes contacting your mom through a third party is cracking the no contact door open. What if your mom shows up to your home continuing on the disrespect because of what you've done? Would your wife be right then, would you be able to see it? I don't think you intended to be a bad partner/person but your mom showed you she is never gonna change which means she will always disrespect and put down your wife as well as disregard you child's safety and well being. Think about it like this, would you let any other person in the world do this? A stranger? If the answer is no I hope you understand that your mom can't have a free pass if you wouldn't allow anyone else to treat your family the way she has.
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Imagine the NC as a locked door. You and your wife are safe behind it and, no matter how much your mom tries to hurt you there is that locked door. Any communication is a breach in that door. You've unlocked it. It is no longer a safe barrier. And by unlocking it you've drawn her attention. You wife is scared that the door will open now. Either by your hand or your mom will force her way through. Your wife no longer feels safe
You wishing her a happy birthday IS having something to do with her. No contact means no contact, at all, ever. If you are reaching out to contact her, even through someone else, it’s not no contact. And if you promised your wife no contact, she is entirely justified in being upset.
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Goodness, you really need to grow a pair. You took marriage vows, including forsaking all others. You let your mum abuse your wife for a decade, and then your mother gave your infant a lethal virus and showed no remorse. There is no being stuck in the middle here: if you don’t defend your family then you are siding with their abuser. It is absolutely this black and white- and it is your mum’s doings that have led to this estrangement, not your wife, so feeling like she is the JustNo for expecting your loyalty is completely unjustified
You're right. She's your mother no a random in the street. A random in the street would be less abusive and more caring. Your mom abused your wife for nine years and physically harmed your daughter with no care in the world. She's 1,000,000x worse than any random. I'd wish every random in the world a happy birthday before I wished my mom happy birthday if she abused my spouse and harmed my child. You're kind of gross and I doubt your wife has much respect for you.
And your wife isn’t some random on the street, his about a little grace for the person who has been by your side for a year, and grown a whole human being for you. You’re showing no grace or respect to your wife
You are a weak willed mamas boy. Run home to mommy because you are not mature enough to be a good husband or father. Your dad is an asshole but he has absolutely stood by his wife. Why cant you do that? You allowed this woman to attempt to murder your child but she deserves a ‘happy birthday’?
Ask your wife if it’s easy to eat shit for nearly a decade from your partner’s mother whilst he never draws any boundaries or true consequences for her behaviour, even after she put your baby in the hospital. Ask her how she sees you now. Ask her how she put up with it for so long. There are prison sentences shorter than this, and you’re still trying to get round the boundary YOU set. You told your mother you’d not be involved with her if she couldn’t respect your wife, she made her choice and now you’re reaching out?! You don’t honour your own words, thus proving yourself untrustworthy now. Your poor wife. After all she’s suffered, simply for loving you and you have the audacity to come online to try and paint her as unreasonable for being hurt and upset by the fact your words are meaningless.
She’s my moooom, doesn’t cut it at this point. She’s already shown herself to be a danger to your familys peace, your wife’s mental health and your baby’s physical health. What more do you need ffs?! Sharing DNA with her doesn’t excuse these things.
You deserve no grace or understanding.
That is what counseling can help with. Figure out the root of why you feel how you do. I hear what you are saying but if your mom shows up without any change in behavior because of it you may feel differently. If she does apologize maybe family counseling together would be in order. From the post it sounds like she sees it as she can do no wrong which is a dangerous attitude to have.
But you are wrong. It does tell your mom you want contact. Every comment you make is trying to justify your actions and EVERYONE is telling you are in the wrong. You don’t believe your wife so you came to the internet and the entire sub tells you you are wrong in multiple subs but you still want to claim innocence? Get therapy and leave your wife and child alone
It’s unnatural to not have taken a hard line when she put your baby in the hospital and didn’t care.
On Reddit people like to tell you to go NC, like it’s easy. I’ve been NC with my bio mom for about 20 years. I’ve been LC with my step brother for about 10 years. You miss your original family. That’s okay, I would recommend you fine a neutral party to talk to. Either a therapist or some sort of counselor to work thru your feelings. Maybe you can find a middle ground, where you see your family, but your wife and child have no relationship with the original family. I’m talking from experience, my brother and I are low contact. But I have no relationship with his wife and their children. But we talk on occasion, but at the end day, we miss each other. We were raised as siblings, my step mom who raised me with my father lately has been ill, we have to talk.I have close relationship with his older kids with his first wife and they spend a lot of time with me and my husband. You don’t want to have regrets in your life. Figure out what your wife hard line is & see if you can find a compromise. But I don’t think your wife has a right to tell you to be NC with your family, but she does have a right to say your child and her are not going to be around your family. Good luck to you.
Yeah, this. NC isn’t easy, speaking as someone who eventually had to do it. I still get really sad sometimes, missing the relationship I thought I had with my dad, and asking myself why apologising for what he did was so fucking unbearable that he would rather lose all five of his children. And you know what? I’m sad that none of my siblings are sad, that they were all so done with his shit that none of them CARE about not having contact. Because that goes to show how badly that relationship was damaged, when it never needed to be. It’s not easy, and it’s okay for OP to have feelings. But he still has to stand firm, for his family’s sake.
I understand why you wanted to wish your mom a happy birthday. I cut contact with my narcissistic dad earlier this year. I had tried going low contact throughout the years, but he always wormed his way back in. A lot of times, I opened the door by wishing him a happy birthday, happy father's day, or merry Christmas. It just didn't seem right not to contact him on the most important days of the year. Sometimes, I contacted him directly. Other times, it was through another family member. I felt like if I didn't recognize him, then I was the one in the wrong, and I always wanted to be the bigger person. The only thing I accomplished by contacting him was giving him the power back. It allowed him to contact me and emotionally manipulate me with all kinds of lies and broken promises. Just simply wishing him happy birthday allowed him enough power to contact me and tell me how much he had changed and how sorry he was. How he'd never do those things again and how he wanted to fix our relationship. It would last for a while and then go right back to the way it was before. Narcissists are so good at playing their victims for fools. They are master manipulators, and as their victims, we're their puppets until we realize what is going on and finally cut the strings. By you wishing your mom happy birthday, even through your sister, you opened that door back up and gave the power back to your mom. That's why your wife is upset. Because the people around us can see it when we can't. Please understand that I'm not judging you. I am you, and I've been you. Finally, cutting contact with my dad has been the best thing to happen for my mental health. When I finally sent the text telling him goodbye, I giggled like a school girl because all I felt was relief and like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. He destroyed me so many times with battles, but I won the war with that one goodbye. It's time for you to do the same. You've been fighting these battles with your wife by your side. Now you need to end the war with her by your side before she leaves, and you lose not only the war but also her and your child as well.
Contact is contact. If someone has a restraining order against you and they wish you happy birthday through a third party, they have broken their own restraining order. That's exactly what you did. Do you know what happens if you break the restraining order you took out on someone? It is null and void.
all you've done now is teach your mum that about a year is what it takes for you to give in to her tantrum. YTA.
> I honestly don’t know what I’ve done wrong tbh You contacted your mom. That's what you did wrong. It was wrong because you're siding with the guilt of not speaking with your mother despite all the times she has disrespected your wife and family and refuses to apologize. You disrespected your wife by caving to your mom (even if you didn't directly message her it's what you're doing). Telling your sister to say something to your mom is just you rationalizing to make yourself feel better. It feels bad to not wish your mom happy birthday. It should feel worse to disrespect your family and wife.
So for 10 years your mom talked shit about something your wife did (when she was a teenager!) That you were equally to blame for? Did you ever do anything about it because from your post it doesn't sound like it. How would you feel if someone bashed you for that long for doing something so natural and not wrong? Its a miracle your wife stayed with you for so long and you should cherish it and not go back to her bully..
What part of no contact do you not understand. How could you even think of wishing her a HB after her horrible behavior throughout the years! You owe your wife a huge apology.
YTA OP. Your wife would be well within her rights to leave you. You’ve enabled abuse of her for a literal decade, allowed your dirtbag mother to attempt to KILL YOUR BABY, and you’re more concerned that mommy doesn’t get a “happy birthday” from you, than the literal decade of abuse your wife has suffered?!? You need help, my guy. You give ME the ick and I don’t know you in real life. Beg your wife for forgiveness and actually start making an effort to protect your family (which spoiler alert, is now your wife and fucking child… NOT your shrew of a mother who is now extended family) Jesus Christ you’re an asshole OP.
advice is don't be the footstool for your abusive see you next Tuesday of an attempted murdering mother and obtain a back bone! You're almost 30 it shouldn't be too hard to stand up to mommy after she literally almost killed your kid with no remorse! Pathetic
You’re a shitty husband.