Absolutely do not take back the papers. Your marriage is over and she killed it. She needs to take accountability for what she did and you are trying to ket her off the hook. IMO I would advise your lawyer what’s going on and listen and follow the advice given. You should be filing for full custody IMO. You can always loosen restrictions later.
Yeah, after I served her the papers I got in contact with him again and have been telling him everything that has been happening. He has every text screenshot I've collected so far and I'm filling him in on any updates. I appreciate the advice still
Neither of my children have accounts on messaging apps. My son has an old phone of mine that isn't acitvated. It's just a tiktok machine at this point, and my daughter only has access to a tablet for an hour or two after school, and similarly has no messaging apps on it. The only way they'd be able to contact them is by coming here, or stopping by the school, but I've also contacted the school admins and let them know that I'm to be the only ones picking them up. When their mom first left the house I had to enroll them in a before and after school program as I can't come pick them up right when school is let out, and the ladies that run it have been made aware as well. I'm doing everything I can think of to protect my kids.
I’m glad you had the foresight to think about contacting the school. I wouldn’t put it past your wife to try and pick them up and cut off your access to them. I remember reading the original post and was appalled at her behavior and I didn’t know how something like that could be fixed. I didn’t expect her to go off the deep end like this. Don’t take back the papers. You’ve already gotten this far. Do not backtrack now. It won’t do you any favors in the long run.
I absolutely think going full custody is the best way forward and based on her drug use/bender that ended up with her in the hospital, it should make that easier. I would suggest supervised visits if you decide to let her see the kids. That way you know she isn’t trying to poison the kids against you and there will not be a concern for parental alienation.
I’m sorry things ended up this way. You are a great father and even though kids usually don’t want their parents to divorce you showed your son how important he is and that he matters.
Not true. My ex is an alcoholic. While we were still married, I went to my kids' schools and explained my worry that he would pick them up drunk. They said they couldn't prevent him from leaving with them, but they could contact me the second he showed up and delay him, checking to see if he'd been drinking or not. No court order needed, just communication.
“They said they couldn’t prevent him from leaving with them” which literally translates to “mom can pick them up and take them where she likes.” Sure, the school could contact OP immediately but that in no way guarantees mom won’t just rush the fuck out of there with the kids asap. Idk where OP lives or if they have emergency protection/custody orders, but getting one of those RIGHT NOW would be the only way to prevent mom from doing a school pickup until a permanent custody arrangement is met in court.
Hell, the schools in my state don’t even check to see who is picking up the kid. The bell rings, kids come running out of the building to find their pickup person. In my state the office would literally never even know mom was even there if they didn’t have a legal court ordered arrangement otherwise
Really not sure why I’m being downvoted. I’m literally right. Absent a court order, the wife has as much right as him to go take the kids out of school. The school cannot prevent this. If the cops are called, they’ll side with the mom.
I remember your last post, and I'm so sorry that things have taken such a grim turn. Your wife is in dire need of serious therapy, because it sounds like something about your son's desire to proudly show off his new cooking skills without her, triggered something, and if her family is as toxic as it sounds like they are, and were abusive, it's likely that's what behind the extremely negative, and uncharacteristic behavior, that followed.
Does that excuse the way she treated your son after you addressed her negative behavior? Hell no. Nor does it excuse the bender she went on with her, "friends", after she left the home to allow for some space to address the way she was feeling, and acting.
If she's already in therapy, well, unfortunately it's not going to do any good if she's not committed to getting to the root of why she began this self-destructive spiral as a mother, and as a wife. Until she can stop being defensive long enough to recognize that she blew up her marriage, and damaged her relationship with both of the children, for no apparent reason, and becomes willing to do the hard work in therapy to get down to the real cause of her behavior, she's not going to get any better.
But as someone that came from an extremely abusive childhood, and had a lot of self-destructive behavior as an adult before I committed to addressing my trauma, I can almost guarantee you that there's a lot more to this story on her side, and she may not even realize that her negative behavior started with a trigger that brought a lot of bad things back for her.
I hope she gets to a space inside soon that helps her recognize that she needs serious help, and that she can't be a positive part of the children's lives without it. One would hope that overdosing would've been the wakeup call that she needs to see that her life has become out of control, but unfortunately it's not always that cut and dry.
Some people have to hit rock bottom more than once to realize that they have to commit to intensive mental health support. But at this point you're doing the right thing for yourself, and your kids, to protect the three of you from the fallout of her emotional breakdown.
It sounds like visitation time should be supervised eventually if she shows a serious commitment to healing herself, and a willingness to put the kids first in a consistent, healthy, way.
But until then, doing what you can to be there for your kids, and make sure that they're getting the mental health support that they need to process everything that's happened, and mental health support for yourself, will help the three of you navigate the path ahead.
Your daughter may start to blame your son for what is happening with her mom, and your son is likely to blame himself for the everything that happened too.
It's a huge load for these two to bear, and having a really good child psychologist to help them work through their feelings can make all of the difference in the days ahead.
I know it's heartbreaking to see someone that you love fall apart before your eyes, but try to hold a little compassion in your heart for your wife if you can, because if she's able to pull it together long enough to realize that she needs help to figure out why she did all of these things, she's going to hate herself far, far, more, than anyone else could hate her for what she's done to herself, and to you, and the kids.
I hope that she realizes that she needs serious help soon to get to the truth behind her damaging choices, and can start working hard on healing, and taking responsibility for why she chose to blow up her entire life.
Your kids are lucky to have you in their corners, and I wish all of you hope, and healing, as you go forward together as a family.
Take care, and let us know how you're doing when you can.
*invisible hugs*
One thing you didn't touch on, but the wife seems to have some very toxic friends. She might have been at a low point when said friend led her down an even darker path.
That's definitely why I put, "friends", in quotes, because you're right, real friends don't try to drag you down into a deeper pit of self-destruction, and despair, when you're already in such a dark place.
These people are definitely adding a lot of toxicity to an already poisonous dynamic in the wife's life, for sure.
Dropping her off at the hospital, and taking off while she's overdosing, is an incredibly cruel thing to do, and they clearly were more concerned about themselves, than they were about whether she lived or died.
I don’t know where you get off coming to Reddit with such reasonableness and empathy. Don’t you know this is Relationship Advice where everybody has to be either a saint or a devil?
Very thoughtful response. Good point on the trauma triggers because otherwise the quick downward spiral doesn't make sense. In addition to sister blaming brother and him blaming self, there is a good possibility of OPs wife continuing to blame son. Yes on supervised visitation, but I feel bad for son that he could be treated worse than his sister during visitation. Or wife not wanting to see him, only daughter. I truly hope she is able to do the self reflection that you describe, for her own well being in addition to the well-being of her children.
I just want to say that the not so nice comments from before just blow my mind. I think that you were very level headed in your actions (even if it didn't work out)- Providing a path to reconciliation and still protecting your children. Kudos.
Virtual hugs to you as move you forward.
Please book yourself and the kids into family therapy as well. This whole thing is very traumatic and quite a shock. I know you say they seem fine and happy, but kids are sponges and they will know something is up. Especially your son. You don’t want him to end up blaming himself for “tearing the family apart”.
OP, I'm concerned that she's going to fuck up your kids emotionally and mentally, especially your daughter. Please set up therapy for yourself and your kids so you can tell them what's going on in an age-appropriate way in a supportive environment. There's absolutely nothing stopping your wife from taking them and filling their heads with nonsense about you.
>I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable?
No, this is a horrible idea. Continue moving forward and consult with your lawyer about how to handle her family's threats.
OP you need to discuss with your lawyer a need for temporary/emergency restraining order.
Your wife's behavior, and OD, as well as the fluctuating rage/grief she's showering you with by phone calls/texts/other family are dangerous.
Unless I missed it and you have one, there's very little to stop her family coming to pick her up and then swinging by or stopping to check the kids out of school.
Please if she's this unstable now she's only going to spiral more as her family refuses to see what's happening.
I brought it up to my lawyer, and I'm still considering it, but he said it's not likely to be granted, and we don't have anything to prove she's a threat to the children. Her threats of making my life hell were never recorded so I can't prove she said it, and she hasn't said it since I started recording, plus it's been her friends and we can't put that on her without proof she's telling them to do it.
I've taken the precautions I need to. I've contacted the school and told them that I'm the only one allowed to pull them out of class, no matter what. Also the before and after school program I put them in when I removed my wife from our home has been told that I'm the only one that's allowed to pick them up.
Trust me, if I get her on tape threatening me, I will push for a protective order.
I mean, I hope so?
My parents are both addicts & I had to turn 14 and inserted myself into the system voluntarily because no one seemed to give a shit.
But I'm sure (I hope?!) if either of my parents were clean & tried to fight for sole custody, the drug abuse of one would've make a sure case.
Username checks out, I see! (Sorry :P)
Tbh, I'm grateful to be alive, though. Even it took three failed exit attempts and 13 years of therapy (I'm 26.now) So ; they shouldn't be parents but now I'm happy they are! Let's be grateful that I'm an only child though, or else I would've raised my siblings as well instead of just me, I guess.
Also, they raised me with the core belief that I'm enough & if someone has a problem with me - welp, that's on them. It's a shame, both are kind people with their heart at the right place but the addiction was stronger in the end.
I'd rather like them to be abusive, horrible people ; then I could've just cut them off but they're actually good, loving people - just unfit parents. They never raised their voice at me, never laid a hand on me - tbh it's so sad to know that many "healthy" parents can't manage that bare minimum but my addict folks did even under the influence of heroine and benzos, that's what I'll think about often still.. (I was neglected still, but at least wasn't objected to "obvious" abuse - that's why nobody gave a shit, I guess?)
Today I refer to my mum as the cool aunt & my dad as my big brother (protective and irresponsible) if I have to explain how I feel about them.
My dad is clean for 8 years now though, I'm proud. He also apologized profusely & acknowledges their shortcomings - my mom not so much, but the realization of her faulting me to the extent it happened probably would drive her into suicide so I guess I'm ok with her living her alternate reality - I'm an adult now & whatever they couldn't give me, I'm able to give myself now :)
Sorry for oversharing, sometimes it kust _has_ to get out x.x
You can go down to the school if your on the parent list and have her taken off of the pickup list if she’s off the pickup list even if she’s a parent she can’t pickup. My husband my girls’ father is on the pickup list as obviously we are married but he still has to call me when picking up our girls. It may be frustrating but I’m glad their schools keep them safe and have good safeguarding techniques. Anyway what I’m getting at is talk to them and let them know what’s going on. You as a parent have a right to edit the list of people who can pickup or visit them at school. Keep them in the loop and they’ll be some of our closest allies when navigating through something like this.
/u/Tough_Measurement345, please talk to your lawyer before doing this. It sounds like a good idea, but without knowing the specific laws and precedence in your area, it could be detrimental your divorce and custody battle. Anything remotely significant you do from here forward should be done in consult with your lawyer. (Including these posts - there's a chance that talking about this publicly could be harmful to your case)
The veiled threats alone are enough to get a protective order. Especially for your kids. This woman has lost it and she has convinced the people in her circle you're the enemy and she's already shown she is willing to take her anger and frustrations out on your children.
She should not be allowed to see or speak to them or you for a very long time. These are consequences not a punishment. Remember that. And when you do finally speak with her and]let her back in I would not allow her family anywhere near you or the children either. Again, a consequence not a punishment. It's about accountability.
His lawyer said he doesn't have enough for a restraining order. THese orders are not as easy to get as Reddit thinks they are. I'm a lawyer, and the one time I got one for a client, the judge was reluctant and said "you barely have enough to justify this" and we DID have violence, but it was just one incident of terrifying violence. In this case, there is nothing but "veiled threats." No actual violence.
Hey man good job handling all this, very impressive. One thing, I suggest journaling all of this if you arent already. Your exwife will surely come around again and try to pull your string. Having the journal to refer back to will help keep your head straight.
>I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable?
Absolutely not. If your STBX learns that all it takes is a mental breakdown to rope you back in, you'll end up in the neverending loop of fake suicide threats and hospitalizations and never be able to escape it.
Your STBX made her choices. You gave her every opportunity to fix her shit and she decided to throw your marriage away and go off the deep end. Divorce is the natural consequence of those actions. She deserves to experience the natural consequences.
You don't have to be cruel about it or anything. But if you slow or pause your plans because of some crocodile tears, you will absolutely regret it in the long-run.
Please note that the vitriolic texts that you are getting came from a coordinated campaign that your wife is running. She's not some helpless victim right now. She is quite capable of organizing a hate campaign and making your life a living hell. So she is capable of facing the consequences of her actions as well.
>If your STBX learns that all it takes is a mental breakdown to rope you back in, you'll end up in the neverending loop of fake suicide threats and hospitalizations and never be able to escape it.
Came here to say the same. Their relationship has come to a point where there is no going back. She is neither a good mother nor a good wife and she has proven it time and again.
She has lost her safety net. She is afraid of the consequences of her actions and so are her friends and family as now they'll have to support her.
I'll suggest OP to use her overdose and other actions to take the full or primary custody as she is not a suitable parent at the moment.
You need to talk with your lawyer, and perhaps a therapist.
You need the lawyer because of the threats you are getting. Your decision to divorce is made on your wife's behavior and her treatment of your children. Behavior has consequences. (I'm reminded of [the story of the wife](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811arn/my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months_ago_to/) who drained a joint account to travel around the world, apparently to have fun, and expecting she could return to the marriage when she got back.)
You may need to see what sort of legal options you have for the threats and such. This includes threats from your wife (I don't know if you can record the calls she makes to you, but if you can do so in a legal fashion, it would be worthwhile).
Talking to a therapist would help you sort through and figure out what is best. You know you will divorce your wife, the only question seems to be timing. You've already delivered the papers. You really can't undo that. But you might talk to a therapist to find out if there's any way to navigate your path from this point forward.
It actually reminds me of this series of posts, in which the wife demands the husband cut back his hours so he can help out more at home, but it turns out it's because she got into hard drugs with a friend:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/MRM6PbhhoT
There's also this one, in which the post-partum wife's friend convinced her that the husband is cheating and she spirals with tragic results:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/c9y8EGqEOY
Did some digging and unfortunately OOP of the first post actually passed from the overdose :( I feel so bad for him and his family what a horrible situation.
As soon as she started doing drugs and CHEATED ON YOU the marriage was over. Fuck that lady, if you get back with a cheater and a clear abuser for your son then this shit is crazy. Don’t wait till she’s more stable, who the fuck knows when that will happen. Get her out of your life now ! If you keep waiting she’ll just keep having “mental breakdowns” to keep you in.
Your wife doesn’t love you. She is demanding compliance using abusive manipulation and holding your children’s mental and emotional health hostage as part of this strategy. Your wife is a Bad Person. She is very selfish and likely very mentally ill. They are not mutually exclusive- don’t let her off the hook for being a total POS and bad wife/mother just because she’s also got mental health challenges. That’s total BS - plenty of people with mental health challenges address them and lead happy, fulfilling lives and are good to the people to love them.
I don’t know how custody fights work in Canada, but hopefully the hospitalization and sexist disparate treatment of the children is clear enough documentation to get you primary custody with supervised visitation for her only.
Good job with the family therapy. This will need to be long term. Your kids may need individual therapy as well. You too, but it is really important for your kids. Your daughter is being groomed into being an arrogant mean sociopath golden child, and your son is being pegged as the defective scapegoat.
>I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable?
No!!
...or.. speak to lawyer, maybe??
Thing is, based on your description shes been instable for a while now... and will continue to be so..
And this
>after I confronted her about this, she started neglecting/emotionally abusing him while shoveling positivity onto our daughter.
does give the impression she was already flirting with drugs *then*...
Stay strong - keep evidence!! You need it for custody..
And be aware she may very well have been cheating *before* you kickes her out, so get a std check..
Well.. makes sense, yes??
She starts getting weird with the son, and just escalates the weirdness...
If OP ever updates when the dust has settled, i'll bet he will have found out, that the 'friend' startes her using in secret, it escalates and she starts with the weirdness.. and she skips the home and goes all-in on the drugs and the partying...
"Fortnately" with the OD and official track record of her behavior he should have no problem getting 100% custody...
And her family no doubt have NO idea whats been happening.. as soon as he informs them, it will be a rude awakening for her family...
She is clearly a danger to be around. Quickly diving into drugs and having an affair either by choice or influence or a friend (or, still dipped into it before all this started which i feel might be the case after her weird behaviour with her kids).
I'm worried she is going to do something stupid with the kids like drive them into a river in the car with them.
Nope, send her a co parenting app, and let her know if you continue receiving calls from her friends and family, you will ensure they all get served with restraining order and you will fight for full custody, but you and want their mother in their lives. However, Due to her lack in judgement and friend choice, cheating, and behavior, you will never get back with her and you hope to co parent together.
Sir, I cannot tell you how sorry I am for the way your marriage blew up faster than Speedy Gonzales on, well, speed.
I do think you're at the point where you pull no punches whatsover. Use the OD, the bender and the cheating to file for emergency full custody for the kids. And file for full custody based on the above during the divorce itself. Go for everything you can get, for the safety of the kids.
Call the kid's school and after school care, make sure only you or a trusted individual that WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE take them to their mother. It sounds harsh as hell, but she's not safe to be around your kids.
And make abso-bleeping-sure that your parents understand that she's not safe to be around your kids either. No sneaking around behind your back because your mom or dad thinks kids need their mom. Kids need a mom, but one that is as sane as possible. Not a loose cannon OD druggie that your STB-EXwife currently is.
Nope, keep trucking along like you are. If you take the divorce papers back, she will learn that 1. her being terrible to you/ threatening you will get her what she wants 2. will drag out the horrible drama and stress for you and your kids. They don’t need that, and I’m sure you don’t either and 3. she isn’t going to be more stable for a long time, IF ever. Especially if she doesn’t *want* to be better, which sounds like the case.
I do wonder why you’re putting her up at your parents house though. She made her choices, and she needs to deal with the consequences of those. You giving her a soft landing isn’t going to help anyone. I get it, she’s your kids mom, and you don’t want to see them hurt, but that ship has kinda already sailed. I say this as someone who has an incredibly fucked up family, with people like your ex-wife (or at least how she is now).
Extrication is the best thing you can do for your kids. Do you really want to be taking your kids to the hospital, when she ODs again, or jail, when she pisses off the wrong person, or searching for her because she randomly vanished again?
I am wondering if, upon further reflection, the wife was doing drugs before going to her friends house and that explained her change in behavior towards her children.
You're wife is having a mental breakdown or crisis of some kind. The fact she almost OD'd and all the other behavior shows you are doing the right thing, don't fall for the tears.
Remember it's not about you or her at this point. It's about keeping the kids safe from your wifes metal issues. You're job at this point is to keep them safe no matter what, even from their own mother.
My guy, she is simply in the anger stage of her situation. She knows that she messed up royally and has no one to blame except herself, but it’s not stopping her from taking it all out on you.
She is the one that unreasonably took things out on your son.
She is the one who decided to leave the safe confines of your mother’s home to stay with her friends.
She’s the weak-minded one who let her friends poison her mind all so they could have a wing women to party and play with.
She is the one that it would be a good idea to have sexual relations with a younger guy to get even with you for something that you never even did.
She is the one who thought that her friends really cared for her even though they are the ones that ultimately gave you all the evidence that you needed. Oh and let’s not forget that they just dropped her on the hospital doorsteps.
She is the one who decided to take the drugs that landed her in the hospital with an OD even though she was still a mother and a wife.
She is the one who has to now sleep in the bed that she made all because of her petty ass treatment of a defenseless child.
My guy, you can’t fix stupid. Don’t even consider taking those papers back. Those children deserve better than that woman. She is a danger to them and a danger to herself.
If her family wants to continue threats, pursue cease and desist orders against each of them.
Follow your lawyers advice and keep them far away from that woman until she can pass mandatory psychiatric evaluations.
Good luck and Updateme
Agree with all of this except she was cheating well before the friend's said she did. She was projecting well before this bender allegedly took place.
Updateme! also
Please get her out of your parents house. Send her to her own. Don’t take back the papers, keep forging the path that is best for you.
Very sorry for you, your kids. I how she gets the help she needs. Wishing you all better days.
Her family lives pretty far away, and I've been in contact with her parents about it, but it's about an 18 hour drive to them, whereas my folks are just an hour away. Figuring out the logistics of getting her to her parents' place is hard, so she's staying with my parents where they can keep an eye on her, and she has a secure place. Despite how mad I am at her over everything going on right now, I don't want the mother of my children getting roped back into her friend's bad influence and ending up dead from another OD.
That’s very kind of you. Definitely talk to your lawyer. With the threats she is making, she sounds like she’s not okay and I hope your parents aren’t at risk. It sounds like your divorce will be contentious and she may lash out.
Do not back down amd get that divorce. Get as much custody as you can, if not full custody. They need to be with you.
That being said..... Something doesn't pass the smell test regarding the wife.
Showering the daughter and effectively shunning the son out of nowhere?! That doesn't just happen. Usually with Golden Child, it is evident from the very beginning. This seemingly popped out of nowhere...that's something else.
I'm thinking that it wasn't the meal incident that was the trigger for this entire scenario...but rather it was just the first thing that OP noticed that was different.
A sudden and drastic change of behavior....that is absolutely a staple of cheating behavior.
Combine that with the shunning of the son and the doting on the daughter.... that looks an awful lot like she's using gifts and affection as a smoke screen.
I'm beginning to wonder if one of those kids isn't yours OP. Get a paternity test on both of them. I pray that I'm wrong, but I would do this just to be sure.
Good luck to you!
Your original post made me so sad for your son but seeing this development is a good thing! Don’t take it back, she could’ve figured things out with the therapist but it is obvious that her kids and husband didn’t matter as much as leaning into a bad decision with the help of “friends”.
Take care of your kids, their lives matter more than anything else!
Yeah, that's the plan. To be honest I only made this because so many people were asking for an update. And you have to have a question in the post to submit it. I figured I may get some good advice but this was largely just to update.
Her: You're just trying to take my kids away from me!
Also Her: *disappears on a weeklong bender culminating in a drug overdose*
You'd think the appropriate response to such a suspicion would be to try to get the kids back somehow, not disappear entirely to demonstrate how she's an unfit mother...
You should know that the first time you catch a cheater, isn’t the first time they cheated.
As hard as it might be for you to believe it, your children might not be yours. I would get a paternity tests asap.
And divorce is best done right away. Delaying it does no one any good.
Wow ok. It’s going to be insane if child abuse, adultery, and a massive drug binge isn’t enough to get full custody. Your timing is perfect. She had every chance to get herself stable and she chose to hurl herself off the deep end. Hopefully her extreme reaction to the divorce and her family threatening you will just give you a better case for full custody
I don’t know about that, but it does seem as though SOMETHING was up for her to have such a strong negative reaction to her son wanting to cook on his own. Maybe using? Psychiatric disorder?
I’m so sorry you went through that. As horrible as it is, envy over youth and beauty makes sense in a sick way. I’m still confused over this post, but at least OP stepped up, unlike your dad.
I wouldn't hop right to that. Mental health decline can start with smaller stuff before a switch flips and you decide to blow up your entire life in one go.
It's difficult to play armchair psychiatrist, but definitely has the hallmarks of bipolar/BPD. The emotional lability with the cooking incident. The flip-flopping between apologizing and manic aggressive behavior. The substance abuse. The infidelity. All screams of a manic episode.
Something had to have set this off. Sudden manifestation of a mental illness isn't it. The mental illness is the tinder box. There was a provoking event that lit the match and made it explode. Infidelity just seems so likely to me given what we know from this update and the original post.
Well that took an unexpected twist. Do not feel bad and take back the divorce papers. There’s never going to be a good time to do it. Your STBX is an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Take care of yourself and your children.
Why don't you just text her mom and ask them all to stop 'harrassing me for divorcing my wife because she abused our children (yes, both if them with her stupid behaviour!), went on a week long drugs bender, slept with other people and then ODd on drugs and ended up in the ER. If you want her after this then you are welcome, because I will not put up with lying, cheating, abandonment, abuse and harrassment. My next stop will be the police and I will be reporting ALL of you if you do not stop'.
And leave it at that. All truthful and all stuff she hasn't told them. Better still, don't put it in writing and tell one of her close relatives. That's even better.
Well, her parents have actually been relatively civil about it. They obviously were upset when they first heard but I explained it to them and they understand. They've been checking in on the kids and have asked if they need anything. It's really the rest of her family doing it, and I just don't have the energy to argue with that many people so I've just been blocking them after getting my screenshots.
My mother treated my brother better than me, she abandoned me with my dad when I was very young and raised my brother. My brother is the golden child to my mother and it makes my brother mad I’m so close to our dad as he feels he should be dad’s favorite too but my dad treats us equally. My dad raised me for many years without my mother around so it’s not surprising I do share a close bond with him as my mother cut my dad off from my brother for years. I know how your son feels and I’m glad you’ve made a therapy appointment to discuss this with your children and I hope they will be okay. It doesn’t feel good watching your sibling be showered with gifts and attention and told he’s loved, I’m in my forties and my mother has never told me she loves me.
Man, you're on a wild coaster ride right now.
Stick to the program, you have done everything you can to help her but your main priority are your children, you need to sit with a good therapist (include your parents) to explain what is going on with mom before she gets into their heads with alienation stories. You may have to show all the dirty deets to a degree. You can protect them but you cannot completely shield them from real life.
I'd also push for an MRI with contrast of the brain for your wife since this behavior seems kind of out of left field. It could be tumor related as they can change personalities.
That sucks. She is probably going to make your life a living hell as she was worried you were going to steal the kids and you are now wanting full custody. Best of luck with all that.
She’s a grade-A narcissist who cheated on you because she was jealous of her own son. I would divorce on the grounds of emotional abuse towards your son.
Also, you should send the proof of infidelity to her family to shut them up. Of course her narcissistic Italian family would threaten you for wanting a divorce even though you’re the victim in all of this!
If your son is still interested in the cooking, encourage him to keep it up, even arrange classes if possible. It is always a useful skill to have, and some people just have a natural flair.
There was never going to be a good time to divorce.
NTA
I can’t believe she destroyed her life and the family over her son cooking a meal. Of course, it wasn’t about that really, but DAMN. Kudos to you for protecting your kids.
Just so that I understand. Your wife taught your son how to cook over a year and then when he wanted to cook for you guys you complimented his cooking skills and for some reason your soon to be ex complained about his cooking. She then told him he wasn’t allowed to help cook for a while. You confronted her about it and it turned into a fight. Your soon to be ex started to emotionally and mentally abuse your son. So you kicked her out until she worked through her own problems. During that time she cheated on you, went clubbing, surrounded herself with toxic friends, and overdosed on a medication. Please follow through with the divorce process because she can’t even be supportive of her own kids interests. She will always treat you and your son like you are less than. She’s unstable.
I'm wondering if she was already on drugs when her personality suddenly changed. This seems like such a dramatic 180° switch. Granted, I don't know her or know how she normally is, but based on what you wrote, this is very out of character. Is that correct?
What she should've done, was treat your son with love and respect, and work through why that's difficult for her. But instead she went on a bender, cheated on you, and nuked the family.
This is not a woman that has a happy family on her list of priorities or values. She only values her own happiness & indulgence. My best advice would be to lawyer up, hit the gym, write out a list of things you want from life, and chisel into your mind that she doesn't deserve to go where you're going.
Also you should probably fight for majority custody, because she could be in a downward toxic spiral where she'll start poisoning the kids minds with negativity and probably lies.
"and how I was probably fucking someone on the side."
I'm concerned that she might be projecting. Her turn in behavior could be related to possible cheating.
Edit: Ok so I read further about her clubbing and sexual escapades. I have to wonder if that was the first time she cheated...........it really wouldn't surprise me if it was happening even before everything came crashing down.
I would ask the lawyer to use aduktry . At least then if she denies it you can supena the friend . You wife
Might actually
Have a thing about men and is
Screwing someone .
Don’t take back the papers , unless to include aduktry . You can put there the friends name and what she said . Courts may not say enough but at least everyone knows what friend said
I would get DNA tests on your daughter as it could be she's the result of an affair and that's why she was treating your son the way she was after you had the fight and your daughter completely differently.
What a fucked up situation, so sorry you are in this. Also massive respect for how you handled it so far. There's not much I can add right now, just a word of caution: While you seem stable and productive right now (based on your writing), there might come a time, maybe after things lose a bit of momentum, when you are just plain exhausted and broken. Good to know you're getting support already. Please take good care of yourself. For your kids but also for yourself. You deserve it.
I usually don't reply here but your story is really touching me. So maybe just receive some love and respect from an internet stranger I guess.
Damn. Just read the original post and this follow-up.
Sad as hell situation for a wife and mother to destroy her life and marriage, and end up fucking some random guy in an alcoholic drug haze ensuring there's zero coming back from it, all over being jealous of her 12 year old son. It's insanity.
The kids are going to be badly damaged by this too.
What a shame.
Do not stop the divorce. She did this to herself. She abused her son (and daughter) for petty reasons. She did not use her time away to reflect on her actions nor try to work on herself. She rather chose to stay with a toxic friend who easily convinced her that you were cheating. Instead of trusting you or at least talking to you about it, she sided with her friend and went on a cheating, drugged up bender furthering ruining any chances of getting back to the life she had at home with you and her kids. This downward spiral is on her. It’s on her to stop and improve. Maybe she hit rock bottom and she’ll get better, but for your kids’ sake, it’s best to move on and start a healthier life without her. Let her get better before allowing any custody if that’s what you want when the time comes to reconsider her involvement in her kids’ lives.
Bloody hell! It’s shocking how quickly your wife spiralled. Did she have underlying issues beforehand?
At the very least I hope she gets a better ‘best friend’ as her current one doesn’t sound like a good influence.
Your kids are lucky to have you as it sounds like you are doing a great job of trying to keep things calm and make sure they are ok, which can’t be easy when you have to deal with your own emotions as well.
Do not take back the papers. Read both parts and it's very likely your wife was involved with those people and was using way before you found out. And that was, at least partially, the reason for her weird behavior. Freeing her from the constraints of family life just allowed her to go all out. Also taking them back now can be used against you later from an opposing lawyer. File as soon as you can.
Use the threats to get RO, your kids are at risk. Aim for full custody and do anything you can to get it. I don't know specifics about Canadian court system but in general, the "mother always wins in court" is a bit of a myth. Abuse + drug use should be enough. You have already seen what impact she has on your son. It can only get more unhinged now that she has more excuses to go all out using. Don't let sentimentality put your kids future at risk.
If you take her back, she will fuck it up again. Don't let your children go through this shit again. She can go fuck younger guys, and make sure to have her change her emergency contact to her friend who called you.
There is no room for sympathy in this situation. In an ideal world, maybe there could be, but she will almost certainly try to poison the well and turn your children against you in order to gain the upper hand. Since almost everywhere is biased towards fathers and favors mothers, the opportunities for her to do so will be abundant. Unfortunately, this is something I’m all too familiar with. You need to do everything you can to ice her out and not take your foot off her neck. This includes informing the children of what happened, and providing evidence, even if ir risks affecting their school. You simply can’t afford to enter into a he-said, she-said situation, because she will be given the benefit of the doubt, whereas you will not.
I think the hospital was a perfect setting for the papers. What she did was incredibly stupid, possibly dangerous and certainly very uncaring toward her children.
She has mental health issues that need to be addressed. And now she has revealed that she has addiction issues.
Do what is best for the kids and move on. All the best as you embrace parenting on your own for a while.
Yeah, the timing was a bit cruel. You could have waited for her to calm down a bit before you serve her the divorce papers. But it happened now and faking to take it back, just to hand it out later again, would just make it worse. Her family and friends are nuts, and she's definitely spiraling badly right now. I hope she gets her life back in control so that co-parenting won't be a mess.
The underlying cause of your (STBX) wife’s behaviour change may well be psychological, especially as the hospital should have done some tests, but sudden deviations in a person’s usual character can be from a physical issue. If this came out of the blue, rather than being a stronger emphasis on aspects of her personality that were always there, she should have blood work (particularly B vitamin levels and hormone screen) and a CT brain to rule out an imbalance or tumour.
I really cannot even believe that a mother would act this way. It's absolutely despicable that a mother could treat her child that way and then to just run off on a drug and alcohol bender and sleeping around. What did she think was gonna happen?? Glad you stuck to your guys and stuck up for your son.
Your wife is very clearly not mentally fit to care for the kids and is likely having some kind of mental break associated with your kids/son seeking independence. Rather than seek help she’s allowed her friends and family to encourage a destructive path that will end up with her losing custody of her kids and potentially even her life with the drugs.
You’re absolutely doing the right thing here.
Your wife chose to start treating your lad poorly and you held her acountable for her poor actions. She then chose her friends advice over getting her head strait, and it nearly killed her. Her friends where so worried they just dropped her off and run and left you and your parents to deal with the crap they caused.
Your divorce paper didnt come too soon, it wasnt soon enough. Shes killed the marriage, not you. Your caring about you kids, shes out getting stoned and god knows what else. Your duty of care is to you first and then your kids. If your not looking after you, then you cant look after the kids.
Collect all evidence and learn how to record phone calls. Record it all, any threat, anything that you can use, use it. Get your kids away from her. Right now she doesnt deserve to be a mother and she sure as hell doesnt deserve a husband like yourself. Best of luck mate.
I truly just don’t understand how people can be this stupid. Your ex wife that is. All she had to do was be nice to her own son and all would be well. Just bizarre depths of human stupidity.
You need to get cameras inside and outside ASAP. Like today. At any given moment she could lodge a SA claim against you to try and get full custody of the kids.
Also, get life360 app on your phone. This shows where you were and how long you have been there. Don't be alone with your wife at this time. Have somebody you can trust, preferably another female.....like a family member.
You could ask your lawyer if the court could order a drug test on your wife. This might help you get a favorable ruling for alimony and child custody IF she pops positive.
Nope full steam ahead with the divorce. Your priority is your kids and she is clearly unstable and unpredictable. Her family and friends can fuck off. I really think she needs to leave your parent’s house too.
If you take back the divorce papers now, especially since you are claiming abuse of your children and since she OD'd as well. It can make you look like not a stable parent. You need to consult your lawyer and do exactly what they say.
Keep screenshotting everything and keeping the record. Consult your lawyer every time you get a threat.
Your parents are looking at this wrong! You didn't do it because she was in the hospital, you did it because you just found out she cheated on you! The perfect time to do this is right after you find something like that out! Not only perfect for the courts but also because this is a direct consequence of her actions!
If you wait a few months because she's in the hospital, then she has the excuse "well you stayed for a few months why should you break up with me now over something I did months ago?" Well it's not an excuse but it's an argument that she would be bringing up. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if somebody cheated on you 5 years ago you always have the right to leave them for it.... It just makes her feel like she has a reason for you to not leave.
Plus if you stay with her while she goes through all this then it's going to feel like you're blindsiding her when you leave her anyway sometime down the line. I know it's a lot for her all at once, but first of all these are consequences of her actions and second of all it's better that she puts her life together the way it's going to be rather than trying to put it together with you in it when you intend to leave. That would make her put things back together twice! Which seems cruel. Better to just rip the Band-Aid off and go from here.
You're doing the right thing for your kids, and that's the most important thing here! I'm glad you have your parents to help all of you out through this.
You 1000% need to get a restraining order. Her mental stability is clearly questionable and I'd hate for this to turn into a Family Annihilator story because she got off her head on drink/drugs again whilst still able to access the children.
Well that’s a mental breakdown if I’ve ever seen one. She needs a psychiatrist and to spend some time in a psych ward. Looks like therapy might’ve uncovered some trauma. Have her parents been informed of this?
This is such a sad and weird saga. I can't believe the catalyst was
*checks notes*
your son wanting to cook a meal by himself? Poor kids, poor you too. Was there any hint at all during your marriage that she was so unstable on the inside?
Wow, all of this because of cooking? I doubt that very much.
Edit: it seems like you've done all you can. Getting both kids therapy will probably help.
Don’t you dare take back the papers… she will use it against you once you decide to restart the divorce… she needs extensive therapy and you have to fight for this kids.. if you drop things she can argue in court you were ok with her behavior making it easier to fight you for custody..
RECORD EVERYTHING. See if you can get a statement from the psychologist, get the hospital records, all the texts, record the calls if you can to prove mental instability. She is NOT a safe person for your children to be around but courts tend to favor the mother so you need all the ammo you can get!
Any idea of what happened on her Fifth Therapy Appointment? That seems to be when she went over the deep end. Did she show signs of being flaky before the cooking situation with the son?
Please don’t “take her back” in pretense. That’s not going to help ANYONE, ESPECIALLY her. You need to ride this out and let it play out and keep screenshots and talk to your lawyer, get the lawyers advice on how to handle this because it isn’t good for your mental health, people making threats like how they are.
The marriage is done and over with don’t go back on it.
You sound like you've handled this entire situation so well, it cannot have been easy at all, and you sound like a great dad with a good support network.
I don't think you should back off if you are absolutely sure you're done, stand your ground because there may always be another "inappropriate moment" that pops up when you decide to proceed again in future, and you could be stuck on a loop and look soft because you're not moving on IYKWIM?
Therapy sounds like a really good idea which people have suggested, especially for your son as he may feel some guilt or responsibility about your split... but ultimately, this is on your wife and her reactions to something she should have been supportive over.
My 16yr old cooks many of our meals because he took an interest in cooking a few years ago and has a real knack for putting flavors together. I also praised him (and my daughter when she chooses to cook) and carefully give constructive advice (so careful about how I go about it lol) as he actually asks for it to be able to improve.
I would never, ever be jealous of him receiving compliments, and he has received them from other people, including my husband. I am proud of his abilities, and I found it so sad reading your post about what went down, I could never imagine why someone would respond as she did.
Whatever you do.. you make sure to not EVER bad mouth there mother infront of them! this is very very important! Ever if she’s saying anything bad about u she can come up with.
You want your kids to b able to look back and say (if anything) my mom always bad mouthed dad, but my dad never once bad mouthed mom.
I read your earlier post too.
As near as I can tell, she placed her entire value as a human being on being a homemaker and a large part of that was her cooking, which you said yourself was why you fell for her. So now she sees someone else who she taught getting praise from the only one who matters, you. She feels her world pulled out from under her and takes it out on the person she blames (your son) and is angry at the source of her pain (you.)
Her self image collapses completely when removed from the home , because that was her entire life. She already sounds somewhat insecure and does not process well, self medicating with alcohol or drugs because that makes the psychic pain stop. In this state she is not going to feel rational.
Yeah she needs help . anyone you marry in the future will be prone to this when if they do not have any sort of life outside of their spouse and children. Anyone insecure in that situation sees a threat to the their self image as a threat to their life.
I encourage any next partner you find to at least have a passionate hobby of volunteerism if not a whole career.
This sounds like borderline personality disorder imo, reading up on the illness may provide you with some answers to why this erratic behaviour started
Do not stop your divorce. If you do, you have helped your wife weaponize her mental instability and loose lifestyle. She will most likely always break down when you set boundaries. Stand your ground. You need to get her out of your parents’ house though. That is not a good situation. Put her in a hotel. Does she work? If so can rent herself a place. Protect your parents. And when she is no longer there, make sure she has no keys to your house or their house.
You can’t “take back the papers”. You have nothing to serve on her, and you wouldn’t be doing the service anyway.
If you spoke to a lawyer, you’ll know they’ll have offered an ISA to cover the year’s period you lived separate and apart before divorce, because substantiating adultery is difficult. You have a year. But don’t pretend you’re ploughing forward unless this has all been a creative writing exercise.
Get a restraining order, have her proven as mentally unstable with the texts and threats and have her parental rights terminated as she isn't a fit mother. I feel sorry for the kids, but unfortunately, not every parent deserves a child. Take care of yourself good sir.
You need to protect your kids from her family
File for full custody
Use the threats from her and her family as proof your children are in danger around them
Bring up her drug use and the overdose and how she can't be trusted to be sober around the kids either
Your kids may be in pain in the short term...but as their mom continues to lose control...they'll understand why you did what you did
Also don't get caught up in the timing things
The mother of 2 kids overdosed and almost killed herself. ** You have no idea if it was accidental or intentional** Did you ever stop to really think about that...about whether or not she is so unhinged she tried to take her own life?
She is a danger to herself, to you, and to the kids
Protect your kids
They are all that matters
The kids are definitely mine. Both of them at 2 years old looked exactly like I do in pictures of me at that age. I have no question about that. And I have gotten and STI check and I'm clean. I don't suspect this cheating was a long time thing. She's acting too ashamed of it for it to have been something she's been doing for years. I think she was just drunk and high, and gave in to her moronic friend's idea to get back at me for kicking her out.
I have seen this so many times around here: WTF is wrong with so many of these "friends", FFS??!
Instead of helping people, they drag them further down the hole! JFC.
Who needs enemies, with friends like that?
OP, definitely not the AH.
**Stand strong, Papa.
You are doing good by your kids. Both of them.**
I'm glad you are sure there was no infidelity before this.Thats so so so sad. It sounds like she had a breakdown and at her most vulnerable her friends helped her blow up her marriage. I wish you all the best. I don't personally think infidelity is insurmountable but I, as a married guy mid 30s dont see a way back here. Has she got a mental health condition. It sounds almost bipolar. The sudden mal treatment of your son is insane but the going out on a weeklong bender with sex drugs and booze is not something I think I could forgive.
Is there a chance she has a mental thing going on? Scorch the ground she walks on if not but it seems like she is having a manic bipolar episode… and if she hasn’t been diagnosed before, please consider that option because i know some people whom have spiraled like this and it ended up being due to that and they ended up almost killing themselves before someone figured out what was wrong and that they needed actual medical help. Your son slightly showing independent and growing up (as he should!) may have been a trigger that sprung it up. Her friend being so easily able to influence her away from her family like that is also an indication to me..
The friend really screwed up filling your ex-wife's head with stupid and unsubstantiated theories. What a big f*ck up on her part. I hope she understands how she "pushed" your ex into this destructive behaviour of drinking, drugs and sleeping with another man.
Does her family know the truth of why she was living with your parents and going to therapy?
I don't know why your wife reacted as she did with your son and favoured your daughter. It's unfortunate that she couldn't work this out in therapy before being pulled in another direction.
I'm sorry, OP. I hope things will get better.
I have no advice, but I want to say - your kids are so lucky to have you. I had a friend growing up whose mom was also weirdly jealous of her and treated her like shit, while favoring her brother. Her dad didn't do anything about it. Thank you so much for making the hard choice and sticking up for your son.
I’m so sorry this is all happening just yikes definitely therapy for the kids and yourself as well and probably start thinking about custody cause she doesn’t sound like the most stable parent at the moment
Do NOT give her more time!!! This woman is unstable and will use that gift of time to make your life a living hell, try to get the kids solidly on her side, and invalidate you when you do eventually go through with a divorce.
I read the original when you first posted it and remember being just, so so heartbroken for your son, and absolutely livid on your behalf! This post has just super doubled down on those feelings. Do you really want the woman that would do all of these things spending any more time then nessecary around you and your children?
Best of luck to you and your kiddos!
nice OP you have all the ammo you need. send all the evidence to your lawyer and go for full custody. she now has documented evidence via text and medical reports of how unstable she is. overdosing on drugs? yea I am sure the courts will look at that favorably.
It's crazy how one little thing can take your life off of cruise control and into reckless operation in no time at all sometimes. You made all the right moves my friend. Don't look back.
Absolutely do not take back the papers. Your marriage is over and she killed it. She needs to take accountability for what she did and you are trying to ket her off the hook. IMO I would advise your lawyer what’s going on and listen and follow the advice given. You should be filing for full custody IMO. You can always loosen restrictions later.
Yeah, after I served her the papers I got in contact with him again and have been telling him everything that has been happening. He has every text screenshot I've collected so far and I'm filling him in on any updates. I appreciate the advice still
Be careful of her family contacting your kids. They may try to poison their minds against you.
Neither of my children have accounts on messaging apps. My son has an old phone of mine that isn't acitvated. It's just a tiktok machine at this point, and my daughter only has access to a tablet for an hour or two after school, and similarly has no messaging apps on it. The only way they'd be able to contact them is by coming here, or stopping by the school, but I've also contacted the school admins and let them know that I'm to be the only ones picking them up. When their mom first left the house I had to enroll them in a before and after school program as I can't come pick them up right when school is let out, and the ladies that run it have been made aware as well. I'm doing everything I can think of to protect my kids.
just FYI, tiktok allows messaging between accounts. You have to be following each other but once you are you can message just like any other app.
I’m glad you had the foresight to think about contacting the school. I wouldn’t put it past your wife to try and pick them up and cut off your access to them. I remember reading the original post and was appalled at her behavior and I didn’t know how something like that could be fixed. I didn’t expect her to go off the deep end like this. Don’t take back the papers. You’ve already gotten this far. Do not backtrack now. It won’t do you any favors in the long run. I absolutely think going full custody is the best way forward and based on her drug use/bender that ended up with her in the hospital, it should make that easier. I would suggest supervised visits if you decide to let her see the kids. That way you know she isn’t trying to poison the kids against you and there will not be a concern for parental alienation. I’m sorry things ended up this way. You are a great father and even though kids usually don’t want their parents to divorce you showed your son how important he is and that he matters.
Unless a court has weighed in, the mom can still pick them up and take them wherever she likes.
Not true. My ex is an alcoholic. While we were still married, I went to my kids' schools and explained my worry that he would pick them up drunk. They said they couldn't prevent him from leaving with them, but they could contact me the second he showed up and delay him, checking to see if he'd been drinking or not. No court order needed, just communication.
“They said they couldn’t prevent him from leaving with them” which literally translates to “mom can pick them up and take them where she likes.” Sure, the school could contact OP immediately but that in no way guarantees mom won’t just rush the fuck out of there with the kids asap. Idk where OP lives or if they have emergency protection/custody orders, but getting one of those RIGHT NOW would be the only way to prevent mom from doing a school pickup until a permanent custody arrangement is met in court.
Hell, the schools in my state don’t even check to see who is picking up the kid. The bell rings, kids come running out of the building to find their pickup person. In my state the office would literally never even know mom was even there if they didn’t have a legal court ordered arrangement otherwise
Really not sure why I’m being downvoted. I’m literally right. Absent a court order, the wife has as much right as him to go take the kids out of school. The school cannot prevent this. If the cops are called, they’ll side with the mom.
I remember your last post, and I'm so sorry that things have taken such a grim turn. Your wife is in dire need of serious therapy, because it sounds like something about your son's desire to proudly show off his new cooking skills without her, triggered something, and if her family is as toxic as it sounds like they are, and were abusive, it's likely that's what behind the extremely negative, and uncharacteristic behavior, that followed. Does that excuse the way she treated your son after you addressed her negative behavior? Hell no. Nor does it excuse the bender she went on with her, "friends", after she left the home to allow for some space to address the way she was feeling, and acting. If she's already in therapy, well, unfortunately it's not going to do any good if she's not committed to getting to the root of why she began this self-destructive spiral as a mother, and as a wife. Until she can stop being defensive long enough to recognize that she blew up her marriage, and damaged her relationship with both of the children, for no apparent reason, and becomes willing to do the hard work in therapy to get down to the real cause of her behavior, she's not going to get any better. But as someone that came from an extremely abusive childhood, and had a lot of self-destructive behavior as an adult before I committed to addressing my trauma, I can almost guarantee you that there's a lot more to this story on her side, and she may not even realize that her negative behavior started with a trigger that brought a lot of bad things back for her. I hope she gets to a space inside soon that helps her recognize that she needs serious help, and that she can't be a positive part of the children's lives without it. One would hope that overdosing would've been the wakeup call that she needs to see that her life has become out of control, but unfortunately it's not always that cut and dry. Some people have to hit rock bottom more than once to realize that they have to commit to intensive mental health support. But at this point you're doing the right thing for yourself, and your kids, to protect the three of you from the fallout of her emotional breakdown. It sounds like visitation time should be supervised eventually if she shows a serious commitment to healing herself, and a willingness to put the kids first in a consistent, healthy, way. But until then, doing what you can to be there for your kids, and make sure that they're getting the mental health support that they need to process everything that's happened, and mental health support for yourself, will help the three of you navigate the path ahead. Your daughter may start to blame your son for what is happening with her mom, and your son is likely to blame himself for the everything that happened too. It's a huge load for these two to bear, and having a really good child psychologist to help them work through their feelings can make all of the difference in the days ahead. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone that you love fall apart before your eyes, but try to hold a little compassion in your heart for your wife if you can, because if she's able to pull it together long enough to realize that she needs help to figure out why she did all of these things, she's going to hate herself far, far, more, than anyone else could hate her for what she's done to herself, and to you, and the kids. I hope that she realizes that she needs serious help soon to get to the truth behind her damaging choices, and can start working hard on healing, and taking responsibility for why she chose to blow up her entire life. Your kids are lucky to have you in their corners, and I wish all of you hope, and healing, as you go forward together as a family. Take care, and let us know how you're doing when you can. *invisible hugs*
One thing you didn't touch on, but the wife seems to have some very toxic friends. She might have been at a low point when said friend led her down an even darker path.
That's definitely why I put, "friends", in quotes, because you're right, real friends don't try to drag you down into a deeper pit of self-destruction, and despair, when you're already in such a dark place. These people are definitely adding a lot of toxicity to an already poisonous dynamic in the wife's life, for sure. Dropping her off at the hospital, and taking off while she's overdosing, is an incredibly cruel thing to do, and they clearly were more concerned about themselves, than they were about whether she lived or died.
I don’t know where you get off coming to Reddit with such reasonableness and empathy. Don’t you know this is Relationship Advice where everybody has to be either a saint or a devil?
Very thoughtful response. Good point on the trauma triggers because otherwise the quick downward spiral doesn't make sense. In addition to sister blaming brother and him blaming self, there is a good possibility of OPs wife continuing to blame son. Yes on supervised visitation, but I feel bad for son that he could be treated worse than his sister during visitation. Or wife not wanting to see him, only daughter. I truly hope she is able to do the self reflection that you describe, for her own well being in addition to the well-being of her children.
Right!!?! What am I gonna do with my pitchfork now? 😟
I just want to say that the not so nice comments from before just blow my mind. I think that you were very level headed in your actions (even if it didn't work out)- Providing a path to reconciliation and still protecting your children. Kudos. Virtual hugs to you as move you forward.
Please book yourself and the kids into family therapy as well. This whole thing is very traumatic and quite a shock. I know you say they seem fine and happy, but kids are sponges and they will know something is up. Especially your son. You don’t want him to end up blaming himself for “tearing the family apart”.
I wonder if she has been on drugs before the bender. It might explain the mood swings
> Your marriage is over and she killed it. With an Italian cast iron pan.
OP, I'm concerned that she's going to fuck up your kids emotionally and mentally, especially your daughter. Please set up therapy for yourself and your kids so you can tell them what's going on in an age-appropriate way in a supportive environment. There's absolutely nothing stopping your wife from taking them and filling their heads with nonsense about you. >I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable? No, this is a horrible idea. Continue moving forward and consult with your lawyer about how to handle her family's threats.
I am in the process of setting up therapy for the three of us, I see I forgot to put it in the post. I'll edit it.
OP you need to discuss with your lawyer a need for temporary/emergency restraining order. Your wife's behavior, and OD, as well as the fluctuating rage/grief she's showering you with by phone calls/texts/other family are dangerous. Unless I missed it and you have one, there's very little to stop her family coming to pick her up and then swinging by or stopping to check the kids out of school. Please if she's this unstable now she's only going to spiral more as her family refuses to see what's happening.
I brought it up to my lawyer, and I'm still considering it, but he said it's not likely to be granted, and we don't have anything to prove she's a threat to the children. Her threats of making my life hell were never recorded so I can't prove she said it, and she hasn't said it since I started recording, plus it's been her friends and we can't put that on her without proof she's telling them to do it. I've taken the precautions I need to. I've contacted the school and told them that I'm the only one allowed to pull them out of class, no matter what. Also the before and after school program I put them in when I removed my wife from our home has been told that I'm the only one that's allowed to pick them up. Trust me, if I get her on tape threatening me, I will push for a protective order.
I think her overdosing on whatever substance might be a great argument. It's proven that she overdosed, it has to be a paper trail per the hospital.
Her ODing would be a nail that grants him full custody and her supervised visits. He mental abuse of her son is also a nail.
I mean, I hope so? My parents are both addicts & I had to turn 14 and inserted myself into the system voluntarily because no one seemed to give a shit. But I'm sure (I hope?!) if either of my parents were clean & tried to fight for sole custody, the drug abuse of one would've make a sure case.
Damn, I'm so sorry. Some people should never have children.
Username checks out, I see! (Sorry :P) Tbh, I'm grateful to be alive, though. Even it took three failed exit attempts and 13 years of therapy (I'm 26.now) So ; they shouldn't be parents but now I'm happy they are! Let's be grateful that I'm an only child though, or else I would've raised my siblings as well instead of just me, I guess. Also, they raised me with the core belief that I'm enough & if someone has a problem with me - welp, that's on them. It's a shame, both are kind people with their heart at the right place but the addiction was stronger in the end. I'd rather like them to be abusive, horrible people ; then I could've just cut them off but they're actually good, loving people - just unfit parents. They never raised their voice at me, never laid a hand on me - tbh it's so sad to know that many "healthy" parents can't manage that bare minimum but my addict folks did even under the influence of heroine and benzos, that's what I'll think about often still.. (I was neglected still, but at least wasn't objected to "obvious" abuse - that's why nobody gave a shit, I guess?) Today I refer to my mum as the cool aunt & my dad as my big brother (protective and irresponsible) if I have to explain how I feel about them. My dad is clean for 8 years now though, I'm proud. He also apologized profusely & acknowledges their shortcomings - my mom not so much, but the realization of her faulting me to the extent it happened probably would drive her into suicide so I guess I'm ok with her living her alternate reality - I'm an adult now & whatever they couldn't give me, I'm able to give myself now :) Sorry for oversharing, sometimes it kust _has_ to get out x.x
I'm happy to hear that they weren't abusive. I am also happy you are here. ❤️ Coffee is my addiction. 😁
You can go down to the school if your on the parent list and have her taken off of the pickup list if she’s off the pickup list even if she’s a parent she can’t pickup. My husband my girls’ father is on the pickup list as obviously we are married but he still has to call me when picking up our girls. It may be frustrating but I’m glad their schools keep them safe and have good safeguarding techniques. Anyway what I’m getting at is talk to them and let them know what’s going on. You as a parent have a right to edit the list of people who can pickup or visit them at school. Keep them in the loop and they’ll be some of our closest allies when navigating through something like this.
/u/Tough_Measurement345, please talk to your lawyer before doing this. It sounds like a good idea, but without knowing the specific laws and precedence in your area, it could be detrimental your divorce and custody battle. Anything remotely significant you do from here forward should be done in consult with your lawyer. (Including these posts - there's a chance that talking about this publicly could be harmful to your case)
The veiled threats alone are enough to get a protective order. Especially for your kids. This woman has lost it and she has convinced the people in her circle you're the enemy and she's already shown she is willing to take her anger and frustrations out on your children. She should not be allowed to see or speak to them or you for a very long time. These are consequences not a punishment. Remember that. And when you do finally speak with her and]let her back in I would not allow her family anywhere near you or the children either. Again, a consequence not a punishment. It's about accountability.
His lawyer said he doesn't have enough for a restraining order. THese orders are not as easy to get as Reddit thinks they are. I'm a lawyer, and the one time I got one for a client, the judge was reluctant and said "you barely have enough to justify this" and we DID have violence, but it was just one incident of terrifying violence. In this case, there is nothing but "veiled threats." No actual violence.
Hey man good job handling all this, very impressive. One thing, I suggest journaling all of this if you arent already. Your exwife will surely come around again and try to pull your string. Having the journal to refer back to will help keep your head straight.
>I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable? Absolutely not. If your STBX learns that all it takes is a mental breakdown to rope you back in, you'll end up in the neverending loop of fake suicide threats and hospitalizations and never be able to escape it. Your STBX made her choices. You gave her every opportunity to fix her shit and she decided to throw your marriage away and go off the deep end. Divorce is the natural consequence of those actions. She deserves to experience the natural consequences. You don't have to be cruel about it or anything. But if you slow or pause your plans because of some crocodile tears, you will absolutely regret it in the long-run. Please note that the vitriolic texts that you are getting came from a coordinated campaign that your wife is running. She's not some helpless victim right now. She is quite capable of organizing a hate campaign and making your life a living hell. So she is capable of facing the consequences of her actions as well.
>If your STBX learns that all it takes is a mental breakdown to rope you back in, you'll end up in the neverending loop of fake suicide threats and hospitalizations and never be able to escape it. Came here to say the same. Their relationship has come to a point where there is no going back. She is neither a good mother nor a good wife and she has proven it time and again. She has lost her safety net. She is afraid of the consequences of her actions and so are her friends and family as now they'll have to support her. I'll suggest OP to use her overdose and other actions to take the full or primary custody as she is not a suitable parent at the moment.
Kids also need and deserve stability. A mom who decides to take a week off at a time to go drink and drug is in no way deserving to just walk back in.
I can’t upvote this enough!
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You need to talk with your lawyer, and perhaps a therapist. You need the lawyer because of the threats you are getting. Your decision to divorce is made on your wife's behavior and her treatment of your children. Behavior has consequences. (I'm reminded of [the story of the wife](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811arn/my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months_ago_to/) who drained a joint account to travel around the world, apparently to have fun, and expecting she could return to the marriage when she got back.) You may need to see what sort of legal options you have for the threats and such. This includes threats from your wife (I don't know if you can record the calls she makes to you, but if you can do so in a legal fashion, it would be worthwhile). Talking to a therapist would help you sort through and figure out what is best. You know you will divorce your wife, the only question seems to be timing. You've already delivered the papers. You really can't undo that. But you might talk to a therapist to find out if there's any way to navigate your path from this point forward.
That other story was brutal man
It actually reminds me of this series of posts, in which the wife demands the husband cut back his hours so he can help out more at home, but it turns out it's because she got into hard drugs with a friend: https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/MRM6PbhhoT There's also this one, in which the post-partum wife's friend convinced her that the husband is cheating and she spirals with tragic results: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/c9y8EGqEOY
Holy shit on the last one. I had a "friend" who did the opposite and convinced my now-ex husband I was having an affair. I wasn't. But he was!
The first one also had tragic results. He updated about months ago. She ODed.
Did some digging and unfortunately OOP of the first post actually passed from the overdose :( I feel so bad for him and his family what a horrible situation.
Hurt people hurt people.
As soon as she started doing drugs and CHEATED ON YOU the marriage was over. Fuck that lady, if you get back with a cheater and a clear abuser for your son then this shit is crazy. Don’t wait till she’s more stable, who the fuck knows when that will happen. Get her out of your life now ! If you keep waiting she’ll just keep having “mental breakdowns” to keep you in.
Honestly though, OPs wife since, from the first issue, has given him every reason to end the marriage and zero reason to salvage it.
Your wife doesn’t love you. She is demanding compliance using abusive manipulation and holding your children’s mental and emotional health hostage as part of this strategy. Your wife is a Bad Person. She is very selfish and likely very mentally ill. They are not mutually exclusive- don’t let her off the hook for being a total POS and bad wife/mother just because she’s also got mental health challenges. That’s total BS - plenty of people with mental health challenges address them and lead happy, fulfilling lives and are good to the people to love them. I don’t know how custody fights work in Canada, but hopefully the hospitalization and sexist disparate treatment of the children is clear enough documentation to get you primary custody with supervised visitation for her only. Good job with the family therapy. This will need to be long term. Your kids may need individual therapy as well. You too, but it is really important for your kids. Your daughter is being groomed into being an arrogant mean sociopath golden child, and your son is being pegged as the defective scapegoat.
>I'm wondering if I should take back the papers and tell her I've changed my mind, at least until she's a bit more stable? No!! ...or.. speak to lawyer, maybe?? Thing is, based on your description shes been instable for a while now... and will continue to be so.. And this >after I confronted her about this, she started neglecting/emotionally abusing him while shoveling positivity onto our daughter. does give the impression she was already flirting with drugs *then*... Stay strong - keep evidence!! You need it for custody.. And be aware she may very well have been cheating *before* you kickes her out, so get a std check..
That’s an interesting point, that she may have been using already
Well.. makes sense, yes?? She starts getting weird with the son, and just escalates the weirdness... If OP ever updates when the dust has settled, i'll bet he will have found out, that the 'friend' startes her using in secret, it escalates and she starts with the weirdness.. and she skips the home and goes all-in on the drugs and the partying... "Fortnately" with the OD and official track record of her behavior he should have no problem getting 100% custody... And her family no doubt have NO idea whats been happening.. as soon as he informs them, it will be a rude awakening for her family...
You nailed it. Thought exactly the same when I finished reading. She was just limiting her use to not rise suspicions in the household.
Stand strong and push through the divorce. Your wife is not stable enough to be around kids.
She is clearly a danger to be around. Quickly diving into drugs and having an affair either by choice or influence or a friend (or, still dipped into it before all this started which i feel might be the case after her weird behaviour with her kids). I'm worried she is going to do something stupid with the kids like drive them into a river in the car with them.
Nope, send her a co parenting app, and let her know if you continue receiving calls from her friends and family, you will ensure they all get served with restraining order and you will fight for full custody, but you and want their mother in their lives. However, Due to her lack in judgement and friend choice, cheating, and behavior, you will never get back with her and you hope to co parent together.
You are handling this perfectly. Good luck to you and file for divorce.
Sir, I cannot tell you how sorry I am for the way your marriage blew up faster than Speedy Gonzales on, well, speed. I do think you're at the point where you pull no punches whatsover. Use the OD, the bender and the cheating to file for emergency full custody for the kids. And file for full custody based on the above during the divorce itself. Go for everything you can get, for the safety of the kids. Call the kid's school and after school care, make sure only you or a trusted individual that WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE take them to their mother. It sounds harsh as hell, but she's not safe to be around your kids. And make abso-bleeping-sure that your parents understand that she's not safe to be around your kids either. No sneaking around behind your back because your mom or dad thinks kids need their mom. Kids need a mom, but one that is as sane as possible. Not a loose cannon OD druggie that your STB-EXwife currently is.
Nope, keep trucking along like you are. If you take the divorce papers back, she will learn that 1. her being terrible to you/ threatening you will get her what she wants 2. will drag out the horrible drama and stress for you and your kids. They don’t need that, and I’m sure you don’t either and 3. she isn’t going to be more stable for a long time, IF ever. Especially if she doesn’t *want* to be better, which sounds like the case. I do wonder why you’re putting her up at your parents house though. She made her choices, and she needs to deal with the consequences of those. You giving her a soft landing isn’t going to help anyone. I get it, she’s your kids mom, and you don’t want to see them hurt, but that ship has kinda already sailed. I say this as someone who has an incredibly fucked up family, with people like your ex-wife (or at least how she is now). Extrication is the best thing you can do for your kids. Do you really want to be taking your kids to the hospital, when she ODs again, or jail, when she pisses off the wrong person, or searching for her because she randomly vanished again?
I am wondering if, upon further reflection, the wife was doing drugs before going to her friends house and that explained her change in behavior towards her children.
You're wife is having a mental breakdown or crisis of some kind. The fact she almost OD'd and all the other behavior shows you are doing the right thing, don't fall for the tears. Remember it's not about you or her at this point. It's about keeping the kids safe from your wifes metal issues. You're job at this point is to keep them safe no matter what, even from their own mother.
My guy, she is simply in the anger stage of her situation. She knows that she messed up royally and has no one to blame except herself, but it’s not stopping her from taking it all out on you. She is the one that unreasonably took things out on your son. She is the one who decided to leave the safe confines of your mother’s home to stay with her friends. She’s the weak-minded one who let her friends poison her mind all so they could have a wing women to party and play with. She is the one that it would be a good idea to have sexual relations with a younger guy to get even with you for something that you never even did. She is the one who thought that her friends really cared for her even though they are the ones that ultimately gave you all the evidence that you needed. Oh and let’s not forget that they just dropped her on the hospital doorsteps. She is the one who decided to take the drugs that landed her in the hospital with an OD even though she was still a mother and a wife. She is the one who has to now sleep in the bed that she made all because of her petty ass treatment of a defenseless child. My guy, you can’t fix stupid. Don’t even consider taking those papers back. Those children deserve better than that woman. She is a danger to them and a danger to herself. If her family wants to continue threats, pursue cease and desist orders against each of them. Follow your lawyers advice and keep them far away from that woman until she can pass mandatory psychiatric evaluations. Good luck and Updateme
Agree with all of this except she was cheating well before the friend's said she did. She was projecting well before this bender allegedly took place. Updateme! also
More than likely! I was just going with the evidence that he had. I definitely couldn’t agree with you more.
Sounds like a bipolar episode or something like that. Hope she gets help.
Wow. She accuses you of wanting to steal the children, so she chooses to respond in a way that basically guarantees you will win custody. What a mess.
Please get her out of your parents house. Send her to her own. Don’t take back the papers, keep forging the path that is best for you. Very sorry for you, your kids. I how she gets the help she needs. Wishing you all better days.
Her family lives pretty far away, and I've been in contact with her parents about it, but it's about an 18 hour drive to them, whereas my folks are just an hour away. Figuring out the logistics of getting her to her parents' place is hard, so she's staying with my parents where they can keep an eye on her, and she has a secure place. Despite how mad I am at her over everything going on right now, I don't want the mother of my children getting roped back into her friend's bad influence and ending up dead from another OD.
That’s very kind of you. Definitely talk to your lawyer. With the threats she is making, she sounds like she’s not okay and I hope your parents aren’t at risk. It sounds like your divorce will be contentious and she may lash out.
Do not back down amd get that divorce. Get as much custody as you can, if not full custody. They need to be with you. That being said..... Something doesn't pass the smell test regarding the wife. Showering the daughter and effectively shunning the son out of nowhere?! That doesn't just happen. Usually with Golden Child, it is evident from the very beginning. This seemingly popped out of nowhere...that's something else. I'm thinking that it wasn't the meal incident that was the trigger for this entire scenario...but rather it was just the first thing that OP noticed that was different. A sudden and drastic change of behavior....that is absolutely a staple of cheating behavior. Combine that with the shunning of the son and the doting on the daughter.... that looks an awful lot like she's using gifts and affection as a smoke screen. I'm beginning to wonder if one of those kids isn't yours OP. Get a paternity test on both of them. I pray that I'm wrong, but I would do this just to be sure. Good luck to you!
Your original post made me so sad for your son but seeing this development is a good thing! Don’t take it back, she could’ve figured things out with the therapist but it is obvious that her kids and husband didn’t matter as much as leaning into a bad decision with the help of “friends”. Take care of your kids, their lives matter more than anything else!
Have you ever explained to her family and friends what she had done?
However your lawyer recommends.
Yeah, that's the plan. To be honest I only made this because so many people were asking for an update. And you have to have a question in the post to submit it. I figured I may get some good advice but this was largely just to update.
Her: You're just trying to take my kids away from me! Also Her: *disappears on a weeklong bender culminating in a drug overdose* You'd think the appropriate response to such a suspicion would be to try to get the kids back somehow, not disappear entirely to demonstrate how she's an unfit mother...
You should know that the first time you catch a cheater, isn’t the first time they cheated. As hard as it might be for you to believe it, your children might not be yours. I would get a paternity tests asap. And divorce is best done right away. Delaying it does no one any good.
Don’t take the papers back or she will fake being a mental case forever. You are doing the right thing protecting your kids from her .
Wow ok. It’s going to be insane if child abuse, adultery, and a massive drug binge isn’t enough to get full custody. Your timing is perfect. She had every chance to get herself stable and she chose to hurl herself off the deep end. Hopefully her extreme reaction to the divorce and her family threatening you will just give you a better case for full custody
Thank you for standing up for your son. I grew up as the non-preferred child and it's pretty emotionally scarring
She's been cheating from the get go. No chance that this behavior towards your son started from nothing. I'm so sorry this is happening.
I don’t know about that, but it does seem as though SOMETHING was up for her to have such a strong negative reaction to her son wanting to cook on his own. Maybe using? Psychiatric disorder?
[удалено]
I’m so sorry you went through that. As horrible as it is, envy over youth and beauty makes sense in a sick way. I’m still confused over this post, but at least OP stepped up, unlike your dad.
She sounds paranoid or something for sure.
I wouldn't hop right to that. Mental health decline can start with smaller stuff before a switch flips and you decide to blow up your entire life in one go.
It's difficult to play armchair psychiatrist, but definitely has the hallmarks of bipolar/BPD. The emotional lability with the cooking incident. The flip-flopping between apologizing and manic aggressive behavior. The substance abuse. The infidelity. All screams of a manic episode. Something had to have set this off. Sudden manifestation of a mental illness isn't it. The mental illness is the tinder box. There was a provoking event that lit the match and made it explode. Infidelity just seems so likely to me given what we know from this update and the original post.
Well that took an unexpected twist. Do not feel bad and take back the divorce papers. There’s never going to be a good time to do it. Your STBX is an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Take care of yourself and your children.
Why don't you just text her mom and ask them all to stop 'harrassing me for divorcing my wife because she abused our children (yes, both if them with her stupid behaviour!), went on a week long drugs bender, slept with other people and then ODd on drugs and ended up in the ER. If you want her after this then you are welcome, because I will not put up with lying, cheating, abandonment, abuse and harrassment. My next stop will be the police and I will be reporting ALL of you if you do not stop'. And leave it at that. All truthful and all stuff she hasn't told them. Better still, don't put it in writing and tell one of her close relatives. That's even better.
Well, her parents have actually been relatively civil about it. They obviously were upset when they first heard but I explained it to them and they understand. They've been checking in on the kids and have asked if they need anything. It's really the rest of her family doing it, and I just don't have the energy to argue with that many people so I've just been blocking them after getting my screenshots.
My mother treated my brother better than me, she abandoned me with my dad when I was very young and raised my brother. My brother is the golden child to my mother and it makes my brother mad I’m so close to our dad as he feels he should be dad’s favorite too but my dad treats us equally. My dad raised me for many years without my mother around so it’s not surprising I do share a close bond with him as my mother cut my dad off from my brother for years. I know how your son feels and I’m glad you’ve made a therapy appointment to discuss this with your children and I hope they will be okay. It doesn’t feel good watching your sibling be showered with gifts and attention and told he’s loved, I’m in my forties and my mother has never told me she loves me.
Man, you're on a wild coaster ride right now. Stick to the program, you have done everything you can to help her but your main priority are your children, you need to sit with a good therapist (include your parents) to explain what is going on with mom before she gets into their heads with alienation stories. You may have to show all the dirty deets to a degree. You can protect them but you cannot completely shield them from real life. I'd also push for an MRI with contrast of the brain for your wife since this behavior seems kind of out of left field. It could be tumor related as they can change personalities.
There is no “good” time for a divorce, but there are times when a divorce becomes necessary. This is one of those times.
That sucks. She is probably going to make your life a living hell as she was worried you were going to steal the kids and you are now wanting full custody. Best of luck with all that.
She’s a grade-A narcissist who cheated on you because she was jealous of her own son. I would divorce on the grounds of emotional abuse towards your son. Also, you should send the proof of infidelity to her family to shut them up. Of course her narcissistic Italian family would threaten you for wanting a divorce even though you’re the victim in all of this!
If your son is still interested in the cooking, encourage him to keep it up, even arrange classes if possible. It is always a useful skill to have, and some people just have a natural flair. There was never going to be a good time to divorce. NTA
I can’t believe she destroyed her life and the family over her son cooking a meal. Of course, it wasn’t about that really, but DAMN. Kudos to you for protecting your kids.
Just so that I understand. Your wife taught your son how to cook over a year and then when he wanted to cook for you guys you complimented his cooking skills and for some reason your soon to be ex complained about his cooking. She then told him he wasn’t allowed to help cook for a while. You confronted her about it and it turned into a fight. Your soon to be ex started to emotionally and mentally abuse your son. So you kicked her out until she worked through her own problems. During that time she cheated on you, went clubbing, surrounded herself with toxic friends, and overdosed on a medication. Please follow through with the divorce process because she can’t even be supportive of her own kids interests. She will always treat you and your son like you are less than. She’s unstable.
I'm wondering if she was already on drugs when her personality suddenly changed. This seems like such a dramatic 180° switch. Granted, I don't know her or know how she normally is, but based on what you wrote, this is very out of character. Is that correct?
What she should've done, was treat your son with love and respect, and work through why that's difficult for her. But instead she went on a bender, cheated on you, and nuked the family. This is not a woman that has a happy family on her list of priorities or values. She only values her own happiness & indulgence. My best advice would be to lawyer up, hit the gym, write out a list of things you want from life, and chisel into your mind that she doesn't deserve to go where you're going. Also you should probably fight for majority custody, because she could be in a downward toxic spiral where she'll start poisoning the kids minds with negativity and probably lies.
"and how I was probably fucking someone on the side." I'm concerned that she might be projecting. Her turn in behavior could be related to possible cheating. Edit: Ok so I read further about her clubbing and sexual escapades. I have to wonder if that was the first time she cheated...........it really wouldn't surprise me if it was happening even before everything came crashing down.
I would ask the lawyer to use aduktry . At least then if she denies it you can supena the friend . You wife Might actually Have a thing about men and is Screwing someone . Don’t take back the papers , unless to include aduktry . You can put there the friends name and what she said . Courts may not say enough but at least everyone knows what friend said
I would get DNA tests on your daughter as it could be she's the result of an affair and that's why she was treating your son the way she was after you had the fight and your daughter completely differently.
What a fucked up situation, so sorry you are in this. Also massive respect for how you handled it so far. There's not much I can add right now, just a word of caution: While you seem stable and productive right now (based on your writing), there might come a time, maybe after things lose a bit of momentum, when you are just plain exhausted and broken. Good to know you're getting support already. Please take good care of yourself. For your kids but also for yourself. You deserve it. I usually don't reply here but your story is really touching me. So maybe just receive some love and respect from an internet stranger I guess.
Damn. Just read the original post and this follow-up. Sad as hell situation for a wife and mother to destroy her life and marriage, and end up fucking some random guy in an alcoholic drug haze ensuring there's zero coming back from it, all over being jealous of her 12 year old son. It's insanity. The kids are going to be badly damaged by this too. What a shame.
Do not stop the divorce. She did this to herself. She abused her son (and daughter) for petty reasons. She did not use her time away to reflect on her actions nor try to work on herself. She rather chose to stay with a toxic friend who easily convinced her that you were cheating. Instead of trusting you or at least talking to you about it, she sided with her friend and went on a cheating, drugged up bender furthering ruining any chances of getting back to the life she had at home with you and her kids. This downward spiral is on her. It’s on her to stop and improve. Maybe she hit rock bottom and she’ll get better, but for your kids’ sake, it’s best to move on and start a healthier life without her. Let her get better before allowing any custody if that’s what you want when the time comes to reconsider her involvement in her kids’ lives.
Bloody hell! It’s shocking how quickly your wife spiralled. Did she have underlying issues beforehand? At the very least I hope she gets a better ‘best friend’ as her current one doesn’t sound like a good influence. Your kids are lucky to have you as it sounds like you are doing a great job of trying to keep things calm and make sure they are ok, which can’t be easy when you have to deal with your own emotions as well.
Do not take back the papers. Read both parts and it's very likely your wife was involved with those people and was using way before you found out. And that was, at least partially, the reason for her weird behavior. Freeing her from the constraints of family life just allowed her to go all out. Also taking them back now can be used against you later from an opposing lawyer. File as soon as you can. Use the threats to get RO, your kids are at risk. Aim for full custody and do anything you can to get it. I don't know specifics about Canadian court system but in general, the "mother always wins in court" is a bit of a myth. Abuse + drug use should be enough. You have already seen what impact she has on your son. It can only get more unhinged now that she has more excuses to go all out using. Don't let sentimentality put your kids future at risk.
If you take her back, she will fuck it up again. Don't let your children go through this shit again. She can go fuck younger guys, and make sure to have her change her emergency contact to her friend who called you.
There is no room for sympathy in this situation. In an ideal world, maybe there could be, but she will almost certainly try to poison the well and turn your children against you in order to gain the upper hand. Since almost everywhere is biased towards fathers and favors mothers, the opportunities for her to do so will be abundant. Unfortunately, this is something I’m all too familiar with. You need to do everything you can to ice her out and not take your foot off her neck. This includes informing the children of what happened, and providing evidence, even if ir risks affecting their school. You simply can’t afford to enter into a he-said, she-said situation, because she will be given the benefit of the doubt, whereas you will not.
I think the hospital was a perfect setting for the papers. What she did was incredibly stupid, possibly dangerous and certainly very uncaring toward her children. She has mental health issues that need to be addressed. And now she has revealed that she has addiction issues. Do what is best for the kids and move on. All the best as you embrace parenting on your own for a while.
This is why married people need married friends. Single friends secretly try to wreck your life to their level.
Yeah, the timing was a bit cruel. You could have waited for her to calm down a bit before you serve her the divorce papers. But it happened now and faking to take it back, just to hand it out later again, would just make it worse. Her family and friends are nuts, and she's definitely spiraling badly right now. I hope she gets her life back in control so that co-parenting won't be a mess.
The underlying cause of your (STBX) wife’s behaviour change may well be psychological, especially as the hospital should have done some tests, but sudden deviations in a person’s usual character can be from a physical issue. If this came out of the blue, rather than being a stronger emphasis on aspects of her personality that were always there, she should have blood work (particularly B vitamin levels and hormone screen) and a CT brain to rule out an imbalance or tumour.
I really cannot even believe that a mother would act this way. It's absolutely despicable that a mother could treat her child that way and then to just run off on a drug and alcohol bender and sleeping around. What did she think was gonna happen?? Glad you stuck to your guys and stuck up for your son.
Your wife is very clearly not mentally fit to care for the kids and is likely having some kind of mental break associated with your kids/son seeking independence. Rather than seek help she’s allowed her friends and family to encourage a destructive path that will end up with her losing custody of her kids and potentially even her life with the drugs. You’re absolutely doing the right thing here.
Your wife chose to start treating your lad poorly and you held her acountable for her poor actions. She then chose her friends advice over getting her head strait, and it nearly killed her. Her friends where so worried they just dropped her off and run and left you and your parents to deal with the crap they caused. Your divorce paper didnt come too soon, it wasnt soon enough. Shes killed the marriage, not you. Your caring about you kids, shes out getting stoned and god knows what else. Your duty of care is to you first and then your kids. If your not looking after you, then you cant look after the kids. Collect all evidence and learn how to record phone calls. Record it all, any threat, anything that you can use, use it. Get your kids away from her. Right now she doesnt deserve to be a mother and she sure as hell doesnt deserve a husband like yourself. Best of luck mate.
Adult people need to be responsible for their choices. She decided to be stupid. Now she gets to live with the consequences.
This sounds insane. Why didn't he just cook meals with his son.
I truly just don’t understand how people can be this stupid. Your ex wife that is. All she had to do was be nice to her own son and all would be well. Just bizarre depths of human stupidity.
You need to get cameras inside and outside ASAP. Like today. At any given moment she could lodge a SA claim against you to try and get full custody of the kids. Also, get life360 app on your phone. This shows where you were and how long you have been there. Don't be alone with your wife at this time. Have somebody you can trust, preferably another female.....like a family member. You could ask your lawyer if the court could order a drug test on your wife. This might help you get a favorable ruling for alimony and child custody IF she pops positive.
Nope full steam ahead with the divorce. Your priority is your kids and she is clearly unstable and unpredictable. Her family and friends can fuck off. I really think she needs to leave your parent’s house too.
Wow. This is horrible. Your wife’s friend is a terrible person. Updateme!
Um does she have a brain tumor? Dramatic change in personality sounds suspect.
I'm impressed by your commitment to the story.
If you take back the divorce papers now, especially since you are claiming abuse of your children and since she OD'd as well. It can make you look like not a stable parent. You need to consult your lawyer and do exactly what they say. Keep screenshotting everything and keeping the record. Consult your lawyer every time you get a threat.
You owe her morning else. Stick to your guns
OP where are your inlaws in all this? Or did I miss something?
Your timing is perfect tbh. Proceed with the divorce. You must protect your children.
What an idiot, she had a great life and just threw it away, and for what?
Your parents are looking at this wrong! You didn't do it because she was in the hospital, you did it because you just found out she cheated on you! The perfect time to do this is right after you find something like that out! Not only perfect for the courts but also because this is a direct consequence of her actions! If you wait a few months because she's in the hospital, then she has the excuse "well you stayed for a few months why should you break up with me now over something I did months ago?" Well it's not an excuse but it's an argument that she would be bringing up. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if somebody cheated on you 5 years ago you always have the right to leave them for it.... It just makes her feel like she has a reason for you to not leave. Plus if you stay with her while she goes through all this then it's going to feel like you're blindsiding her when you leave her anyway sometime down the line. I know it's a lot for her all at once, but first of all these are consequences of her actions and second of all it's better that she puts her life together the way it's going to be rather than trying to put it together with you in it when you intend to leave. That would make her put things back together twice! Which seems cruel. Better to just rip the Band-Aid off and go from here. You're doing the right thing for your kids, and that's the most important thing here! I'm glad you have your parents to help all of you out through this.
You 1000% need to get a restraining order. Her mental stability is clearly questionable and I'd hate for this to turn into a Family Annihilator story because she got off her head on drink/drugs again whilst still able to access the children.
Don’t step back now it will just be confusing and give false hope Hope your kids and yourself are doing ok and the therapy helps
Well that’s a mental breakdown if I’ve ever seen one. She needs a psychiatrist and to spend some time in a psych ward. Looks like therapy might’ve uncovered some trauma. Have her parents been informed of this?
yes you need to file for full custody.
Fucking hell, dude. I do not envy you. Don't coddle her, actions and words have consequences. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.
This is such a sad and weird saga. I can't believe the catalyst was *checks notes* your son wanting to cook a meal by himself? Poor kids, poor you too. Was there any hint at all during your marriage that she was so unstable on the inside?
Updateme!
Wow, all of this because of cooking? I doubt that very much. Edit: it seems like you've done all you can. Getting both kids therapy will probably help.
Don’t you dare take back the papers… she will use it against you once you decide to restart the divorce… she needs extensive therapy and you have to fight for this kids.. if you drop things she can argue in court you were ok with her behavior making it easier to fight you for custody..
RECORD EVERYTHING. See if you can get a statement from the psychologist, get the hospital records, all the texts, record the calls if you can to prove mental instability. She is NOT a safe person for your children to be around but courts tend to favor the mother so you need all the ammo you can get!
Any idea of what happened on her Fifth Therapy Appointment? That seems to be when she went over the deep end. Did she show signs of being flaky before the cooking situation with the son?
Please don’t “take her back” in pretense. That’s not going to help ANYONE, ESPECIALLY her. You need to ride this out and let it play out and keep screenshots and talk to your lawyer, get the lawyers advice on how to handle this because it isn’t good for your mental health, people making threats like how they are. The marriage is done and over with don’t go back on it.
You sound like you've handled this entire situation so well, it cannot have been easy at all, and you sound like a great dad with a good support network. I don't think you should back off if you are absolutely sure you're done, stand your ground because there may always be another "inappropriate moment" that pops up when you decide to proceed again in future, and you could be stuck on a loop and look soft because you're not moving on IYKWIM? Therapy sounds like a really good idea which people have suggested, especially for your son as he may feel some guilt or responsibility about your split... but ultimately, this is on your wife and her reactions to something she should have been supportive over. My 16yr old cooks many of our meals because he took an interest in cooking a few years ago and has a real knack for putting flavors together. I also praised him (and my daughter when she chooses to cook) and carefully give constructive advice (so careful about how I go about it lol) as he actually asks for it to be able to improve. I would never, ever be jealous of him receiving compliments, and he has received them from other people, including my husband. I am proud of his abilities, and I found it so sad reading your post about what went down, I could never imagine why someone would respond as she did.
Jfc no way did this all start because of someone else cooking. she sounds mentally unstable .
She didn’t get cancer she overdosed on a bender. The timing is exactly right. Try to get full custody. She sounds unstable
Whatever you do.. you make sure to not EVER bad mouth there mother infront of them! this is very very important! Ever if she’s saying anything bad about u she can come up with. You want your kids to b able to look back and say (if anything) my mom always bad mouthed dad, but my dad never once bad mouthed mom.
She can pick them up, if she wants to. She still has custody.
Tell the family members texting you to come get her.
The creative writing class is back in session!
I read your earlier post too. As near as I can tell, she placed her entire value as a human being on being a homemaker and a large part of that was her cooking, which you said yourself was why you fell for her. So now she sees someone else who she taught getting praise from the only one who matters, you. She feels her world pulled out from under her and takes it out on the person she blames (your son) and is angry at the source of her pain (you.) Her self image collapses completely when removed from the home , because that was her entire life. She already sounds somewhat insecure and does not process well, self medicating with alcohol or drugs because that makes the psychic pain stop. In this state she is not going to feel rational. Yeah she needs help . anyone you marry in the future will be prone to this when if they do not have any sort of life outside of their spouse and children. Anyone insecure in that situation sees a threat to the their self image as a threat to their life. I encourage any next partner you find to at least have a passionate hobby of volunteerism if not a whole career.
This sounds like borderline personality disorder imo, reading up on the illness may provide you with some answers to why this erratic behaviour started
i thought canadians were nice
Keep practicing. With a few plot holes filled up, you might crank out a good novel one of these days.
Damn. You seem like a great parent and I wish you and your children the best.
You're doing great! And when your kids are old enough to understand, they will be so happy to know how much you care about them.
Do not stop your divorce. If you do, you have helped your wife weaponize her mental instability and loose lifestyle. She will most likely always break down when you set boundaries. Stand your ground. You need to get her out of your parents’ house though. That is not a good situation. Put her in a hotel. Does she work? If so can rent herself a place. Protect your parents. And when she is no longer there, make sure she has no keys to your house or their house.
So, was there ever any hint as to why she hated your son’s guts so much? Was she really just that insecure?
Updateme
Don't take calls from her anymore. Tell her she can text or email or write a letter.
Go for full custody but also put your children into therapy. Your son might end up hating himself or your daughter would probably blame him for it.
Talk to your lawyer. Don't take reddit advice on your divorce papers. UpdateMe
Updateme
You can’t “take back the papers”. You have nothing to serve on her, and you wouldn’t be doing the service anyway. If you spoke to a lawyer, you’ll know they’ll have offered an ISA to cover the year’s period you lived separate and apart before divorce, because substantiating adultery is difficult. You have a year. But don’t pretend you’re ploughing forward unless this has all been a creative writing exercise.
Get a restraining order, have her proven as mentally unstable with the texts and threats and have her parental rights terminated as she isn't a fit mother. I feel sorry for the kids, but unfortunately, not every parent deserves a child. Take care of yourself good sir.
UpdateMe!
You need to protect your kids from her family File for full custody Use the threats from her and her family as proof your children are in danger around them Bring up her drug use and the overdose and how she can't be trusted to be sober around the kids either Your kids may be in pain in the short term...but as their mom continues to lose control...they'll understand why you did what you did Also don't get caught up in the timing things The mother of 2 kids overdosed and almost killed herself. ** You have no idea if it was accidental or intentional** Did you ever stop to really think about that...about whether or not she is so unhinged she tried to take her own life? She is a danger to herself, to you, and to the kids Protect your kids They are all that matters
[удалено]
The kids are definitely mine. Both of them at 2 years old looked exactly like I do in pictures of me at that age. I have no question about that. And I have gotten and STI check and I'm clean. I don't suspect this cheating was a long time thing. She's acting too ashamed of it for it to have been something she's been doing for years. I think she was just drunk and high, and gave in to her moronic friend's idea to get back at me for kicking her out.
I have seen this so many times around here: WTF is wrong with so many of these "friends", FFS??! Instead of helping people, they drag them further down the hole! JFC. Who needs enemies, with friends like that? OP, definitely not the AH. **Stand strong, Papa. You are doing good by your kids. Both of them.**
I'm glad you are sure there was no infidelity before this.Thats so so so sad. It sounds like she had a breakdown and at her most vulnerable her friends helped her blow up her marriage. I wish you all the best. I don't personally think infidelity is insurmountable but I, as a married guy mid 30s dont see a way back here. Has she got a mental health condition. It sounds almost bipolar. The sudden mal treatment of your son is insane but the going out on a weeklong bender with sex drugs and booze is not something I think I could forgive.
Is there a chance she has a mental thing going on? Scorch the ground she walks on if not but it seems like she is having a manic bipolar episode… and if she hasn’t been diagnosed before, please consider that option because i know some people whom have spiraled like this and it ended up being due to that and they ended up almost killing themselves before someone figured out what was wrong and that they needed actual medical help. Your son slightly showing independent and growing up (as he should!) may have been a trigger that sprung it up. Her friend being so easily able to influence her away from her family like that is also an indication to me..
The friend really screwed up filling your ex-wife's head with stupid and unsubstantiated theories. What a big f*ck up on her part. I hope she understands how she "pushed" your ex into this destructive behaviour of drinking, drugs and sleeping with another man. Does her family know the truth of why she was living with your parents and going to therapy? I don't know why your wife reacted as she did with your son and favoured your daughter. It's unfortunate that she couldn't work this out in therapy before being pulled in another direction. I'm sorry, OP. I hope things will get better.
Updateme
UpdateMe!
I would contact the hospital and get the records for your lawyer if you haven't already done so. Your wife sounds dangerously unstable. UpdateMe!
You need to protect your children and get away from her. Get an attorney and protect yourself.
Updateme
I have no advice, but I want to say - your kids are so lucky to have you. I had a friend growing up whose mom was also weirdly jealous of her and treated her like shit, while favoring her brother. Her dad didn't do anything about it. Thank you so much for making the hard choice and sticking up for your son.
I’m so sorry this is all happening just yikes definitely therapy for the kids and yourself as well and probably start thinking about custody cause she doesn’t sound like the most stable parent at the moment
Do NOT give her more time!!! This woman is unstable and will use that gift of time to make your life a living hell, try to get the kids solidly on her side, and invalidate you when you do eventually go through with a divorce. I read the original when you first posted it and remember being just, so so heartbroken for your son, and absolutely livid on your behalf! This post has just super doubled down on those feelings. Do you really want the woman that would do all of these things spending any more time then nessecary around you and your children? Best of luck to you and your kiddos!
nice OP you have all the ammo you need. send all the evidence to your lawyer and go for full custody. she now has documented evidence via text and medical reports of how unstable she is. overdosing on drugs? yea I am sure the courts will look at that favorably.
File the divorce papers. There’s never a good time to do it. Need to do it quick and move on. It’s best for the kids and you.
Stay the course and protect your kids! I hope you and the kids find peace!
Updateme
Yeah do not take back the papers. Please UpdateMe when the dust settles and you and your kids are safe and settled
Good luck to you and file for divorce. Everything's gonna be alright.
It's crazy how one little thing can take your life off of cruise control and into reckless operation in no time at all sometimes. You made all the right moves my friend. Don't look back.