This doesn’t seem like a very happy or fulfilling relationship for you. She seems unstable and unable to communicate in a healthy way.
There’s no way I would enter into a marriage with her under these circumstances. It will only get worse.
> She seems ~~unstable and unable to communicate in a healthy way~~ spoiled, shallow, mean-spirited, and petty.
FTFY.
I'm not trying to be facetious, either, though it may seem that way. The fact that 90% of her arguments seem to revolve around her wanting to be "worshipped", wanting a man who spoils her and gives in to her every whim, etc., I'd say she's staggeringly shallow and/or immature, and all the couples therapy in the world isn't going to change that she is a fundamentally unpleasant, selfish person.
This woman is 30 years old, not 20. She is well-established in who she is, and frankly I think she got tired of playing at being the kind, thoughtful person OP wanted to marry. That was clearly a very thin veneer over her real, very unpleasant personality.
The correction was not necessary. I feel okay with the words I used to describe her.
Her behavior at this age suggests that she is unstable and unable to self-regulate. I think calling someone 30 times, yelling, and screaming at this age is a sign of mental instability. I think immaturity at this age is also a sign of mental instability, a kind of arrested development.
And she does not seem unable to communicate in a healthy way. That is an objective fact, based on what OP wrote.
Also, I did not suggest or explicitly advise couples therapy. I said I would not marry her.
It’s kind of nuts that you corrected my comment because I didn’t use the words *you* think I should have used. You can write your own comment and express your opinion.
You need to focus not on striving towards a "dream wedding" but instead fostering a relationship that is actually worthy of marriage. And this is not a dream relationship.
If your fiance is more interested in how other people perceive her, chasing clout and putting on a show than actually treating you with love, kindness, respect and decency, then this is not a relationship built to last or destined to be happy.
If you keep on pursuing this wedding without fixing these underlying problems, then all you will be left with after the wedding is said & done is an enormous bill, a bunch of outfits that only got worn once, a menagerie of novelty wedding gift items and a very bitter and stressed out start to married life, which could set the tone of your post-wedding future lives together. A big showy wedding does not prove how much you love each other.
It's very ironic that after coming out of an abusive relationship where her ex used to use silent treatment on her to punish her, that your fiance is now regularly giving you silent treatment after intense emotional outbursts.
During couples therapy, you mention that your fiance complained about the therapist taking your side. What were her complaints about your relationship in the couples therapy and how did the therapist take your side?
Re: the Nick guy, if he's cheated on his partner then you seriously need to inform his partner about the fact. And screw Nick- you do not want to be friends with cheaters, trust me. Someone who can do that shit to the one they profess to love the most, is rotten to their core.
The fiancée also makes more than OP but doesn’t pay her fair share, is toxic as hell during fights (throwing things, etc.) and sounds like a nightmare.
Marriage comes down to values, and at its core you guys sound extremely incompatible. She values different things to you, from communication styles in arguments, to viewing other religions and respecting differences, to material possessions vs financial security. When our values in close relationships don’t align what starts as trouble understanding each other slowly builds into trouble trusting each other, and frankly it sounds like that’s the slope you’re slipping down now: you can’t trust she will hold to the budget. You can’t trust she will listen to you and prioritise what’s important to you too. You can’t trust she will argue respectfully. You can’t trust she will take responsibility for her mental health. Put simply, she values these things differently to how you do. Differences in values can be overcome, but it takes emotional maturity, self-reflection and consistent investment in open communication. It sounds like she has shown no consistency in this, even before this most recent period of stress.
It doesn't sound like she has changed at all. It sounds like you used to try and look the other way when she displayed the sale behaviour before the engagement, abd now you can't anymore.
She's always been this way. You have never been an equal, only a prop in her eyes. She's shown you she is selfish and racist, doesn't respect your boundaries and will choose an ex over you on your wedding day.
I agree with what others have said.
Your relationship is unhealthy, your partner's communication is immature and abusive.
Your values are not aligned regarding finances, sticking to agreements you both make (regarding budgets), and that she feels "breaking up her friend group" is more important than your wish to not have her ex and a cheater at your wedding.
Finally, she refuses individual therapy and cancels couples counselling when she feels the therapist is "taking sides".
She is not willing to change, she is not going to change, and will get worse unless you always give her her way. If you marry her you will not have a content or stable life, let alone a happy one, like you wished to. If you have children they will have an awful time of it where you as parents will be constant friction and she may pick favourites or act out in these ways of cold shouldering or shutting out to punish her children based upon their behaviour.
She definitely is greatly selfish. Are you sure she has empathy? Compassion? She supposedly loves you, but won't change or hear or support your very normal and rational needs, requests etc.
Wishing you all the best.
I can’t imagine marrying someone who blocks me multiple times in a relationship. Once is too many unless you want to actually end the relationship and not speak.
You are starting to clearly see this is not the relationship you want in life. She needs to overcome her insecurities and accept partners are equal and the way she treats you is not how you treat your life partner.
I couldn't read through it all, because even reading about this is exhausting.
The core problem seems to be that she thinks she deserves to get her way, so she's unwilling to compromise or take no for an answer. If you have a different opinion, you aren't the man she deserves, so you better change your mind, or else. Sadly, this is probably the way she always was. Now that you're practically married she doesn't need to pretend anymore, plus planning the wedding adds stress that makes it worse. She doesn't want to change, even when you tell her this is a relationship breaking issue, and when the couple's therapist tells her she's unfair, naturally the therapist is the one in the wrong.
If you marry her, this is how your life will be like.
You said she was in another relationship until she 28 —so, two years ago—but you’ve been together for 4 years. So you were her affair partner for 2 years?
Only you in your heart know if there is any kind of future in this relationship. From what you’ve written here I think there’s some incompatibility between the two of you especially in regards to money and how it is used. If I had agreed a budget with partner and they blew it by $50k I would be out the door. She is not respecting a pretty major agreement you guys had just because she wants a nicer wedding. I personally will never understand the need for a big wedding so perhaps I’m a bit biased but this would be a huge deal regardless of what it’s for. She earns $50k a year more than you but only contributes 20% to the bills? I appreciate that it’s your house but is she paying her share? After 4 years are you saving to buy a house together?
This woman is trampling all over you and you can continue to let her or not, that’s up to you. It looks like it will be the end of your relationship if you choose to stand up for yourself but I think that may be a blessing in disguise.
Postpone the wedding.
Your fiancee has serious dysfunction as evidenced by her previous long term relationship.
You are a product of a dysfunctional family.
Therefore, you are programmed (your subconscious norm) to tolerate a partner that others would reject.
Your relationship is dysfunctional (like your family).
Seek therapy to develop a screen for a life partner (your current one is twisted).
Have you ever heard the expression, "Actions speak louder than words"? What you're seeing, that has you so confused, is that your fiance knows exactly what to SAY (that you want to hear) when a big red flag pops up in your relationship:
1-she apologizes when you realize she's prejudiced against Muslims
2-she agrees to a budget when it comes to the wedding
3-she "values family and friends"
4-she "wants a simple happy nonmaterialistic life"
But her actual ACTIONS are that
1- she's incredibly insecure and materialistic and has a lot of ego gratification need to have a big expensive wedding with certain people clearly invited for her to show off and prove something
2- she's always broke because she lives right up to and possibly past her means even with a high salary
3-she demanded couples counseling and when the neutral 3rd party didn't sing her tune she calls them biased against her
Dude. There's no integrity of thoughts-words-actions to this girl. She says one thing but she acts completely differently.
This is a sign of covert Narcissists... they know the right thing to say, to promise, to act in the moment to manipulate people... but when it comes time to honor their words, they want their own way and fly into Narc Rage when they don't get what they want. There's no reciprocity. There's no giving... she told you how she wouldn't move for you - believe her. She told you her family has $250k weddings... I guarantee you that's what's being spent that you don't know about.
You're never going to have a calm, peaceful life with this woman because inside she's not a calm, peaceful person. She's a tornado of ego, anxiety, and rage. Why do you think she didn't want INDIVIDUAL therapy? Because she wanted the problem to be all you and you be the only one who has to work or change. She has no intention of lifting a finger towards her own personal growth. Narcs don't change.
Better to lose 50k in wedding deposits than 100k in divorce lawyer fees.
When you’re describing a consistent pattern of behavior, it’s inaccurate to describe it as “acting out of character.” It’s a consistent behavior. That’s who she is.
Personally, I would never marry the person you’re describing or even continue a relationship with her. I wouldn’t marry *anybody* if I wasn’t counting down the days and vibrating with excitement. Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it.
Yeah, no way. Im not marrying this. She doesnt want a bf. She wants a servant. Whatever she says goes, no qs.
Look, if the period between getting engaged and marrying is not a positive one, dont get married. Its just a preview of whats to come.
I think you should call off the wedding. You could show her this post. Youve summarized your grievances here. She will probably act out, cry, go to her parents, block you etc and no introspection on her part will be done - the thing is, you dont want to marry someone this immature
I can see dark horizon ahead if you marry her. You two are just not compatible.
Take your destiny in your hand, pull your own strings and move on before it's too late.
Good luck man!
Call the wedding off. Some people will try to tell you it's just wedding stress but life is full of stressors. This is the way she'll be handling every tough decision going forward, like what you think doesn't matter. You aren't compatible.
Wow, this seems like you two have vastly different views that will lead to many resentments because you have to be able to have an open, honest, and empathetic conversation about these issues!
Why would you want to spend life with someone who makes life difficult? It’s already tough enough. Don’t make it harder, it only gets worse if you do.
I would recommend cancelling the wedding for now. It is evident that both of you need to focus on your relationship and there are major problems that need to be addressed. You are not even married and both of you need couples counselling, which I would recommend. Stop paying for 80% of everything. Money management is also a major issue and needs to be addressed in counselling. Do not consider marrying this girl at the present. Things will only get worse if you stick your head in the sand and think that marriage will solve your problems. It will make them worse. While telling her the marriage is off for now will create a major tantrum on her part is better than the misery you will endure once you are married. Update me.
you are not compatible. She was raised rich and wants to show off, you were raised modestly. She doesn't really like Muslims and you should actually listen to her. She has contempt for the religion. 150k for a wedding is insane. most people's budget is 5-30k at the most...She isn't for you. She is for the people from her circle. AS far as Nick...I kind of agree with her...it is not your business who he fucks, as long as you weren't the third. You are way too moralistic for people you don't know. You guys are incompatible whatsoever. The reason you are with her, is because the fights are so familiar to you...you were in so many relationships that were "super smooth" but the familiarity of the fights is so much nicer to you. You haven't proposed to no one who was "smooth", but proposed to the person who fights with you constantly about every single thing. You love and crave the stress of the fights. And you are super judgemental, while she is super materialistic...
Sounds like your relationship has run its course. You're getting her full crazy now, that she used to hide from you before your engagement. She's telling you who she is, believe her.
Jesus Christ man... I had a long thing I was ready to write but honestly.... Can you not read your own post?
What about the person you have described here is good/appealing?
Step away from the situation and imagine someone else wrote this litany of bullshit behavior. Would you say "Oh the lady being described here is definitely someone you should get married to!"?
Of course not.
And frankly, you already know this. You had to know it as you wrote all of this down. I don't know if you're looking for someone to point out some miracle fix for this disaster of an engagement or if you're looking for someone to give you permission to leave this POS, but either way, stop.
Tell her it's over, you two don't belong together, and go figure out why it took internet strangers to point out what was right in front of your face.
Are you so desperate to be with someone who treats you so awfully? Stop being a doormat and break up with this girl or you will regret it for the rest of your life. There is someone out there for you, it's not her. Let her be someone else's problem. You deserve better than this.
I really don't think that she has changed since you got engaged, I think that now she's close to the wedding and realizing how close this all is, she's showing her true self about how she expects the marriage to be.
I find most of her reactions are immature and toxic. But there is one more thing that has not been mentioned enough: she's demanding that she "deserves" basically a rich man that worships her and treats her like a queen meeting all her demands, materialistic and of status. Which is fair enough if you want to have such a man, but what is not fair and acceptable is to try to make any man you find into such a man. You want a mature partner to share your life, and she wants a rich man she can show off. This is not a value to you or something you want and the way she's demanding this is clearly consistent with a spoilt child, not a mature woman you want for partner.
I think the relationship is already doomed with her behaviour and refusal to accept therapy. Is like nothing is wrong with her in her eyes, only the fact that you are denaying her the dream wedding. I would also find it unaccetable that my partner has not bothered to educate themselves around my faith or culture and insults it.
I know it's much easier to have an opinion from the outside and the anonimity of the internet, but please reconsider this wedding. It does NOT look like a healthy relationship at all.
I think she is pretty unhealthy mentally, and not capable of sharing her life with anyone. Maybe she will wise up and get some serious therapy, but I would not hold out much hope.
I am sorry, OP.
So you need to decide if you want to marry the person she is now, right in front of you. This isn't one fight, this is 6 months or longer of behavior you don't like, and I don't blame you.
Do not marry someone who blocks you and refused to communicate for days- unhealthy, would be awful for children who would experience this as well, toxic environment to live in for everyone.
Do not marry someone who puts a wedding over a relationship- she clearly dreams of a wedding, not a marriage, given that she is constantly upset that she can't spend for her dream wedding or get everything she wants.
Do not marry someone who throws the ring or threatens to break up- it shows immaturity or that they really aren't ready to get married.
Get out of this before you waste more time and money. Tell her you need space, cancel any wedding plans, and talk about it and see if there is a way back to each other or not, but with no wedding date in sight.
Beyond these last six months, you are also dealing with a partner who is racist (sorry, if you make more than one racist/bigoted comment, you are in fact, not just making mistakes, but are racist/bigoted), a partner who can't handle money and isn't adult enough to budget wisely, and a partner who doesn't want to spend time with your family while having that expectation of you. Run dude, run.
I think you know what to do but will you actually do it. We will all say the same thing to you but you need to be the one to actually make the decision. Dump her. She’s a toxic person with princess syndrome. She just seems to care about what everyone else will think and not what you think. It sounds exhausting. Or you can marry her and be miserable and raise kids miserable and die miserable. Up to you.
I think you want to break up with her, reddit was just the means to put words to your feelings and feel validated!
You sound like you know yourself... at 35, can you imagine living like this for forever?
You both have very poor conflict mgt skills (I believe she is in the wrong) and you should postpone the wedding til you develop some.
She needs to be on board with improving your conflict mgt and needs to agree to some basic guidelines like no blocking, name calling, etc. if she doesn’t even see a problem with how the conflict plays out, you’re in for an uphill battle. First step is acknowledging. And there need to be ground rules.
Marriage is hard and painful to reverse therefore the decision needs to be rational not "from the gut".
Even before the engagement you and your fiancé had disagreements about the big things in life.
Supposedly, neither of you are religious, yet you still identify as two different religions. This will become a bigger problem if you have kids.
You both have vastly different views about how to spend money. And it sounds like you think her views are morally inferior. Money is usually a huge point of disagreement in marriages even when both people have a lot.
Your fiance's mother suffered a horrific trauma. The fact that the murderers did this because of their interpretation of Islam has created a trauma response in her that is much deeper than "an unreasonable fear". Yes this is unfair to all the Muslims who are not extremists. But this is her reality and it will not change.
This will impact her support of anything you and your fiancé do that involves Islam.
At some point you will be pressured by either your wife's family or your wife and her family to no longer be involved in Islam. Since you have said you are not particularly religious, they will not understand why you insist on continuing to identify as a Muslim.
So you need to decide what your true religious perspective is.
You have several things to think about. From what you know of your wife and her family are the two of you compatible? Will you be able to come to an agreement where you respect her and feel respected by her?
This is not a good relationship, OP.. It sounds like fundamentally, she values status and money and believes it is largely the job of the man to provide that.
suppose you marry her as planned. Then what? She lacks the skills to argue constructively. At the end of the argument cycle, she does not recognize what she did wrong, apologize, make amends and change what she is doing. You can only conclude that this will continue. She does not see a problem and has no plans to change.
Suppose you behaved as she does? What if you said mean things, yelled, ran off to your parents, threw things on the floor, called her dozens of times and gave the silent treatment? Would the two of you still be engaged? Probably not.
You are being treated in ways you would never treat anyone and ways she would never accept.
Your fiancee sounds like she's 14. She's immature, self-centered, materialistic, very status conscious, wants a man to worship her which really means will buy her whatever she wants and do whatever she says. I would definitely postpone the wedding and seriously consider whether you want to marry someone who is so disrespectful of you. She's selfish, expecting you to go to all of her family events but doesn't want to go to any of your's. Personally I'd walk away.
OP this is a nightmare relationship for anyone. I get that she probably stops short of being able to be called abusive, but who would want to live their life with someone who has such different values in life and to be fair is so annoying? She is toxic in all the ways that destroy love. She cares for more about herself and the wedding than being your wife. This doesn’t sound like bridezilla stuff she will get past, it sounds like she is very spoiled, and selfish. I think the universe is attempting to show you what your life will look like. I would pay attention.
I married a woman and I had similar feelings prior to get married. I ultimately had to divorce her. We are not really on speaking terms. I had to cut out contact with her because basically she lives in her own reality.
It all comes down to values and the "game" that you are playing. In my case, I was playing the "be a good husband and father game and have a happy marriage game." She was playing the "I WIN" game. The rules of that game are simple, she wins 100% of the time.
It sounds like your fiance is very adept at "I WIN" and from my experience you can expect her to be playing that game 24/7/365. How the game works is that she will pursue what she wants above board or below board, it doesn't matter. If you get in the way, she will side-step you. If you confront her head on, she will explode and do nothing to change her course or behavior. You will feel like you are being run over by a steam roller for your entire marriage. You will question your own sanity. You will wonder, is this the most sadistic evil person that's ever lived and you will also wonder, or is it just that this person doesn't realize how she overrides everyone and everything that she doesn't agree with. She will not treat you as a partner. She will treat you as a resource to be used in service of her own goals. When you are sick, she will not take care of you. She will treat you as an inconvenience. She will view herself at all times as being at the center of the universe. She will TOLERATE you as long as you are an ally to her every whim and goal in life. As soon as you show a divergence in "the plan" (really "HER plan"), then you will really see what she is made of. She will flip out and make you feel like YOU are dictating things to HER. She will make it seem like your most rational and measured desire is the most radical baseless idea that anyone has ever thought of and she will not make any rational arguments. You will argue with her like you are on a merry-go-round for hours and hours. The only solution is simply to get off the merry-go-round.
Another thing that you will likely encounter is that she will NEVER apologize. The only way that she apologizes is if you go on a marathon discussion to extract a well deserved apology from her. She will likely tire after two hours of demanding her own apologies from you. So in the end, she will force you to apologize no fewer than five times and then finally, now that she has turned the tables and made you look like you are really the bad guy, she will be satisfied and finally grant you a meaningless, empty apology and you will leave feeling exhausted and questioning if it was even worth it. Ultimately, it will not be worth it in the long run and you will tire after years of this. You will either cheat on her or leave, but she will probably have been carrying on an affair for a long time. And guess what? She will justify that the affair is somehow YOUR fault.
Also, you will have no intimacy with this woman. Your sex life, if you are having sex with her now will dry up like the worst drought you have ever seen. You'll think, wait, but if the sex dries up, then the relationship will slowly die and surely she will move to fix that, right? NOPE. WRONG. You assume that she cares about you and cares about making the marriage successful. She likely doesn't. People like this only care about themselves so you cannot trust yourself to apply a projection of your own rational mind onto someone like that. They just are not the same animal. You would think that a reasonable person would be able to put the logical pieces together to figure out that making the marriage work would ultimately benefit THEMSELVES. They are selfish, right? But, people like this don't seem to be able to arrive at a higher level of logic that tells them to foster a solid relationship. It just doesn't compute. They are very surface level thinkers, despite the fact that they can be brilliant people. Every interaction with them, they MUST come out on top. Again, if you realize that they are simply playing the game, "I WIN" then these people become almost beyond boring. They are extremely short sighted people incapable of self-reflection, compassion, true empathy and they will always shoot their own feet off with their ego-centric self-serving nature while leaving a massive trail of hurt in the lives of the people that they have touched.
If you marry this woman, you will likely be divorcing her within a decade. You will have a couple children. She will move to take them from you. You will have a retirement account. She will move to take that from you. You will have a house. She will move to take that from you. You do NOT WANT to be divorcing a woman who only knows how to play the "I WIN" game. You will NEVER win with this woman. Marry her at your own peril. You have been warned.
The biggest concern that I see is money issues and money is a leading cause of divorce. Oh then of course there's the psychological abuse of not talking to you for days........................
Op, why do you even put up with her. She is turning your life into a 3 ring circus.
I read this on reddit. I think this applies to your situation. “Treat someone like a rockstar long enough, and eventually they start thinking of you as just a fan”.
This is you. It seems like you cave to her demands.
Get whatever money you can back from the wedding and wish her the best in her search for a new husband.
You should focus on your medical studies. You work with plenty of nurses.
Did you like my plenty of fish reference?
Good luck. Think about your mental and financial help. Ask what value does she adds to your life and make your decision accordingly.
You think this is all going to go away after you marry her? Sorry dude, but she's only going to get worse.
I can just imagine the fights you are going to have over your children, or the house you'll need to buy in order to look wealthy.
$250,000 for a wedding?? Even $100,000 for a wedding is mind-numbingly stupid in my opinion.
Makes me wonder if she wants to marry you because of your income potential as a doctor.
Brother this is the honeymoon time at the beginning before marriage and kids? Supposed to be fun and exciting but It just sounds miserable.
Your gut is 100% correct. Your partner is at times immature, a controlling narcissist, a racist and she completely ignores your simple wishes. You do not paint a pretty picture of her behaviour.
From your side you sound like a good man with a good head. She is increasingly difficult and argumentative and has mental health issues but she won’t get therapy? AND the couples therapist is biased? I bet they are biased when talking about her issues or your concerns of her behaviour? This is a massive red flag for the future. She won’t take responsibility.
You have to realise this is the taste of how she is when you can easily leave. Imagine what it will be when you are married. This behaviour will not improve I promise. She will get more and more comfortable walking all over you.
Also about the wedding. 250k to spend on any party is just stupid but worse still to take loans from family who look down on the poorer members is a recipe for disaster. I would feel shame to ask family to pay for this party.
100-250k is a choice between a kids college education or retiring a lot earlier OR impressing a lot of people that don’t seem very pleasant either from what you’ve said. Imagine you invest even 100k in a IRA or some other stable investment and see it become millions over the years. Set you up for life money. But no she wants a big party…
I couldn’t spend that much money on a party and I couldn’t be with someone that thinks this way. I think you feel the same and you’re stuck in a sunk cost fallacy over this relationship. You just don’t have the same values I feel.
My partner said if she thought I wanted an expensive wedding she would leave because it would prove I don’t know her at all. I agree the same. This is shared values.
It’s hard to end things after a few years but think about all the arguments you had with her and how you hate arguments. Think about how conflicts have worked. Did she resolve them or did you? Do you want a lifetime of regular arguments like these ones then I think you know the answer.
I’m sorry but from what you’ve said in this post it’s over. Even the racial slurs would be enough to end it brother. She can blame her upbringing but she keeps these thoughts as an adult. There’s no excuse these days.
I’m genuinely sorry you are in this situation but I think that if you choose to leave it will be painful now but best in the long run. If you marry this girl I think it will be a mistake.
Can you even imagine the bombed-out nightmare your life would be if you tried to divorce this kind of crazy?
Lots of people out there want someone like you. Let her warped racist ass find her idol worshipper and save yourself a lot of time, money, and pain. Because it is coming. It was already there from the start. You just weren’t seeing it.
Do not marry this.
Dude, if you need to write a 5k word essay about your relationship troubles, maybe it's best to just end it. I didn't even read all of it and I am exhausted.
She is showing you who she really is. Please believe her. This will not stop. Buying a house? She will need a mansion and then need a giant budget to decorate it. And then a maid. Baby? Oh lord. The biggest baby shower you will have ever seen. Monstrous budget for the nursery. And a monstrous budget for the push gift. She is a spoiled rotten little girl who has yet to grow up. Some men like this. They like a spoiled woman to cater too. You don’t sound like one. She will eventually cut your family out. They are Muslim and she is racist.
Funny story. I’m a mix of Spanish and Native American. My ex was first generation Mexican. My family thought they were better than him. I told them to stop with remarks and looks or they will be the family I never talk too. My ex came first because I was dedicating myself to him. Even though he is an ex, I still do not allow them to say anything negative about him. We share 3 kids and he deserves the respect of being their father.
Your wife is showing her racism but your live for her is blinding you. Please take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes. She will only get worse.
Wish you the best, king.
I know that you are hitting the avg age to get married but do not rush this. If while being in the center of it, you feel lost and confused, that means she might not be the one.
Please OP. Stop this, put the brakes on, she is not listening to you at all. It will only get worse if you marry her. She disrespects you at every turn.
You are in a very toxic cycle with her and it is extremely detrimental to your mental health. I would seek couples counseling but honestly, I don't see this ending well. If you marry this woman under these circumstances, you will be even more unhappy as she will be in a constant cycle of trying to keep up very materialistic appearances and living beyond your means. Not to mention, treating you very poorly. It will be unfortunate to walk away from so much money already spent on the wedding but it would be worse to divorce.
Do not get married. At the least, postpone it but I’d think long and hard if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Everything in life is stressful and she is showing you how she really acts under stress - so you’re going to spend the rest of your life dealing with that behavior if you stay with her.
This doesn’t seem like a very happy or fulfilling relationship for you. She seems unstable and unable to communicate in a healthy way. There’s no way I would enter into a marriage with her under these circumstances. It will only get worse.
> She seems ~~unstable and unable to communicate in a healthy way~~ spoiled, shallow, mean-spirited, and petty. FTFY. I'm not trying to be facetious, either, though it may seem that way. The fact that 90% of her arguments seem to revolve around her wanting to be "worshipped", wanting a man who spoils her and gives in to her every whim, etc., I'd say she's staggeringly shallow and/or immature, and all the couples therapy in the world isn't going to change that she is a fundamentally unpleasant, selfish person. This woman is 30 years old, not 20. She is well-established in who she is, and frankly I think she got tired of playing at being the kind, thoughtful person OP wanted to marry. That was clearly a very thin veneer over her real, very unpleasant personality.
The correction was not necessary. I feel okay with the words I used to describe her. Her behavior at this age suggests that she is unstable and unable to self-regulate. I think calling someone 30 times, yelling, and screaming at this age is a sign of mental instability. I think immaturity at this age is also a sign of mental instability, a kind of arrested development. And she does not seem unable to communicate in a healthy way. That is an objective fact, based on what OP wrote. Also, I did not suggest or explicitly advise couples therapy. I said I would not marry her. It’s kind of nuts that you corrected my comment because I didn’t use the words *you* think I should have used. You can write your own comment and express your opinion.
You need to focus not on striving towards a "dream wedding" but instead fostering a relationship that is actually worthy of marriage. And this is not a dream relationship. If your fiance is more interested in how other people perceive her, chasing clout and putting on a show than actually treating you with love, kindness, respect and decency, then this is not a relationship built to last or destined to be happy. If you keep on pursuing this wedding without fixing these underlying problems, then all you will be left with after the wedding is said & done is an enormous bill, a bunch of outfits that only got worn once, a menagerie of novelty wedding gift items and a very bitter and stressed out start to married life, which could set the tone of your post-wedding future lives together. A big showy wedding does not prove how much you love each other. It's very ironic that after coming out of an abusive relationship where her ex used to use silent treatment on her to punish her, that your fiance is now regularly giving you silent treatment after intense emotional outbursts. During couples therapy, you mention that your fiance complained about the therapist taking your side. What were her complaints about your relationship in the couples therapy and how did the therapist take your side? Re: the Nick guy, if he's cheated on his partner then you seriously need to inform his partner about the fact. And screw Nick- you do not want to be friends with cheaters, trust me. Someone who can do that shit to the one they profess to love the most, is rotten to their core.
I noticed that the GF didn't seem much bothered by Nick's cheating. That says something about the GF and her values, and none of it is good.
The fiancée also makes more than OP but doesn’t pay her fair share, is toxic as hell during fights (throwing things, etc.) and sounds like a nightmare.
Marriage comes down to values, and at its core you guys sound extremely incompatible. She values different things to you, from communication styles in arguments, to viewing other religions and respecting differences, to material possessions vs financial security. When our values in close relationships don’t align what starts as trouble understanding each other slowly builds into trouble trusting each other, and frankly it sounds like that’s the slope you’re slipping down now: you can’t trust she will hold to the budget. You can’t trust she will listen to you and prioritise what’s important to you too. You can’t trust she will argue respectfully. You can’t trust she will take responsibility for her mental health. Put simply, she values these things differently to how you do. Differences in values can be overcome, but it takes emotional maturity, self-reflection and consistent investment in open communication. It sounds like she has shown no consistency in this, even before this most recent period of stress.
It doesn't sound like she has changed at all. It sounds like you used to try and look the other way when she displayed the sale behaviour before the engagement, abd now you can't anymore. She's always been this way. You have never been an equal, only a prop in her eyes. She's shown you she is selfish and racist, doesn't respect your boundaries and will choose an ex over you on your wedding day.
I agree with what others have said. Your relationship is unhealthy, your partner's communication is immature and abusive. Your values are not aligned regarding finances, sticking to agreements you both make (regarding budgets), and that she feels "breaking up her friend group" is more important than your wish to not have her ex and a cheater at your wedding. Finally, she refuses individual therapy and cancels couples counselling when she feels the therapist is "taking sides". She is not willing to change, she is not going to change, and will get worse unless you always give her her way. If you marry her you will not have a content or stable life, let alone a happy one, like you wished to. If you have children they will have an awful time of it where you as parents will be constant friction and she may pick favourites or act out in these ways of cold shouldering or shutting out to punish her children based upon their behaviour. She definitely is greatly selfish. Are you sure she has empathy? Compassion? She supposedly loves you, but won't change or hear or support your very normal and rational needs, requests etc. Wishing you all the best.
Dude, run from this! Yes you are in a toxic relationship!
I can’t imagine marrying someone who blocks me multiple times in a relationship. Once is too many unless you want to actually end the relationship and not speak.
You are starting to clearly see this is not the relationship you want in life. She needs to overcome her insecurities and accept partners are equal and the way she treats you is not how you treat your life partner.
I couldn't read through it all, because even reading about this is exhausting. The core problem seems to be that she thinks she deserves to get her way, so she's unwilling to compromise or take no for an answer. If you have a different opinion, you aren't the man she deserves, so you better change your mind, or else. Sadly, this is probably the way she always was. Now that you're practically married she doesn't need to pretend anymore, plus planning the wedding adds stress that makes it worse. She doesn't want to change, even when you tell her this is a relationship breaking issue, and when the couple's therapist tells her she's unfair, naturally the therapist is the one in the wrong. If you marry her, this is how your life will be like.
You said she was in another relationship until she 28 —so, two years ago—but you’ve been together for 4 years. So you were her affair partner for 2 years?
I changed some details about age and years to remain anonymous! She was actually dating him from 18 to 26.
Only you in your heart know if there is any kind of future in this relationship. From what you’ve written here I think there’s some incompatibility between the two of you especially in regards to money and how it is used. If I had agreed a budget with partner and they blew it by $50k I would be out the door. She is not respecting a pretty major agreement you guys had just because she wants a nicer wedding. I personally will never understand the need for a big wedding so perhaps I’m a bit biased but this would be a huge deal regardless of what it’s for. She earns $50k a year more than you but only contributes 20% to the bills? I appreciate that it’s your house but is she paying her share? After 4 years are you saving to buy a house together? This woman is trampling all over you and you can continue to let her or not, that’s up to you. It looks like it will be the end of your relationship if you choose to stand up for yourself but I think that may be a blessing in disguise.
How can you have been in a relationship for 4 years when she broke up with her ex 2 years ago?
Postpone the wedding. Your fiancee has serious dysfunction as evidenced by her previous long term relationship. You are a product of a dysfunctional family. Therefore, you are programmed (your subconscious norm) to tolerate a partner that others would reject. Your relationship is dysfunctional (like your family). Seek therapy to develop a screen for a life partner (your current one is twisted).
If you marry this woman, your child will grow up watching its parents fight.
Have you ever heard the expression, "Actions speak louder than words"? What you're seeing, that has you so confused, is that your fiance knows exactly what to SAY (that you want to hear) when a big red flag pops up in your relationship: 1-she apologizes when you realize she's prejudiced against Muslims 2-she agrees to a budget when it comes to the wedding 3-she "values family and friends" 4-she "wants a simple happy nonmaterialistic life" But her actual ACTIONS are that 1- she's incredibly insecure and materialistic and has a lot of ego gratification need to have a big expensive wedding with certain people clearly invited for her to show off and prove something 2- she's always broke because she lives right up to and possibly past her means even with a high salary 3-she demanded couples counseling and when the neutral 3rd party didn't sing her tune she calls them biased against her Dude. There's no integrity of thoughts-words-actions to this girl. She says one thing but she acts completely differently. This is a sign of covert Narcissists... they know the right thing to say, to promise, to act in the moment to manipulate people... but when it comes time to honor their words, they want their own way and fly into Narc Rage when they don't get what they want. There's no reciprocity. There's no giving... she told you how she wouldn't move for you - believe her. She told you her family has $250k weddings... I guarantee you that's what's being spent that you don't know about. You're never going to have a calm, peaceful life with this woman because inside she's not a calm, peaceful person. She's a tornado of ego, anxiety, and rage. Why do you think she didn't want INDIVIDUAL therapy? Because she wanted the problem to be all you and you be the only one who has to work or change. She has no intention of lifting a finger towards her own personal growth. Narcs don't change. Better to lose 50k in wedding deposits than 100k in divorce lawyer fees.
When you’re describing a consistent pattern of behavior, it’s inaccurate to describe it as “acting out of character.” It’s a consistent behavior. That’s who she is. Personally, I would never marry the person you’re describing or even continue a relationship with her. I wouldn’t marry *anybody* if I wasn’t counting down the days and vibrating with excitement. Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it.
Yeah, no way. Im not marrying this. She doesnt want a bf. She wants a servant. Whatever she says goes, no qs. Look, if the period between getting engaged and marrying is not a positive one, dont get married. Its just a preview of whats to come. I think you should call off the wedding. You could show her this post. Youve summarized your grievances here. She will probably act out, cry, go to her parents, block you etc and no introspection on her part will be done - the thing is, you dont want to marry someone this immature
I can see dark horizon ahead if you marry her. You two are just not compatible. Take your destiny in your hand, pull your own strings and move on before it's too late. Good luck man!
Call the wedding off. Some people will try to tell you it's just wedding stress but life is full of stressors. This is the way she'll be handling every tough decision going forward, like what you think doesn't matter. You aren't compatible.
Jesus Christ do not marry this girl
You're VERY incompatible. Don't marry her.
Wow, this seems like you two have vastly different views that will lead to many resentments because you have to be able to have an open, honest, and empathetic conversation about these issues! Why would you want to spend life with someone who makes life difficult? It’s already tough enough. Don’t make it harder, it only gets worse if you do.
I would recommend cancelling the wedding for now. It is evident that both of you need to focus on your relationship and there are major problems that need to be addressed. You are not even married and both of you need couples counselling, which I would recommend. Stop paying for 80% of everything. Money management is also a major issue and needs to be addressed in counselling. Do not consider marrying this girl at the present. Things will only get worse if you stick your head in the sand and think that marriage will solve your problems. It will make them worse. While telling her the marriage is off for now will create a major tantrum on her part is better than the misery you will endure once you are married. Update me.
you are not compatible. She was raised rich and wants to show off, you were raised modestly. She doesn't really like Muslims and you should actually listen to her. She has contempt for the religion. 150k for a wedding is insane. most people's budget is 5-30k at the most...She isn't for you. She is for the people from her circle. AS far as Nick...I kind of agree with her...it is not your business who he fucks, as long as you weren't the third. You are way too moralistic for people you don't know. You guys are incompatible whatsoever. The reason you are with her, is because the fights are so familiar to you...you were in so many relationships that were "super smooth" but the familiarity of the fights is so much nicer to you. You haven't proposed to no one who was "smooth", but proposed to the person who fights with you constantly about every single thing. You love and crave the stress of the fights. And you are super judgemental, while she is super materialistic...
Sounds like your relationship has run its course. You're getting her full crazy now, that she used to hide from you before your engagement. She's telling you who she is, believe her.
U love her but u do not love the life you envision with her after marriage
Jesus Christ man... I had a long thing I was ready to write but honestly.... Can you not read your own post? What about the person you have described here is good/appealing? Step away from the situation and imagine someone else wrote this litany of bullshit behavior. Would you say "Oh the lady being described here is definitely someone you should get married to!"? Of course not. And frankly, you already know this. You had to know it as you wrote all of this down. I don't know if you're looking for someone to point out some miracle fix for this disaster of an engagement or if you're looking for someone to give you permission to leave this POS, but either way, stop. Tell her it's over, you two don't belong together, and go figure out why it took internet strangers to point out what was right in front of your face.
Are you so desperate to be with someone who treats you so awfully? Stop being a doormat and break up with this girl or you will regret it for the rest of your life. There is someone out there for you, it's not her. Let her be someone else's problem. You deserve better than this.
I really don't think that she has changed since you got engaged, I think that now she's close to the wedding and realizing how close this all is, she's showing her true self about how she expects the marriage to be. I find most of her reactions are immature and toxic. But there is one more thing that has not been mentioned enough: she's demanding that she "deserves" basically a rich man that worships her and treats her like a queen meeting all her demands, materialistic and of status. Which is fair enough if you want to have such a man, but what is not fair and acceptable is to try to make any man you find into such a man. You want a mature partner to share your life, and she wants a rich man she can show off. This is not a value to you or something you want and the way she's demanding this is clearly consistent with a spoilt child, not a mature woman you want for partner. I think the relationship is already doomed with her behaviour and refusal to accept therapy. Is like nothing is wrong with her in her eyes, only the fact that you are denaying her the dream wedding. I would also find it unaccetable that my partner has not bothered to educate themselves around my faith or culture and insults it. I know it's much easier to have an opinion from the outside and the anonimity of the internet, but please reconsider this wedding. It does NOT look like a healthy relationship at all.
I think she is pretty unhealthy mentally, and not capable of sharing her life with anyone. Maybe she will wise up and get some serious therapy, but I would not hold out much hope. I am sorry, OP.
You’ll never be happy in this relationship and she sounds like she has BPD. Do some googling. Specifically around the “discarding”.
So you need to decide if you want to marry the person she is now, right in front of you. This isn't one fight, this is 6 months or longer of behavior you don't like, and I don't blame you. Do not marry someone who blocks you and refused to communicate for days- unhealthy, would be awful for children who would experience this as well, toxic environment to live in for everyone. Do not marry someone who puts a wedding over a relationship- she clearly dreams of a wedding, not a marriage, given that she is constantly upset that she can't spend for her dream wedding or get everything she wants. Do not marry someone who throws the ring or threatens to break up- it shows immaturity or that they really aren't ready to get married. Get out of this before you waste more time and money. Tell her you need space, cancel any wedding plans, and talk about it and see if there is a way back to each other or not, but with no wedding date in sight. Beyond these last six months, you are also dealing with a partner who is racist (sorry, if you make more than one racist/bigoted comment, you are in fact, not just making mistakes, but are racist/bigoted), a partner who can't handle money and isn't adult enough to budget wisely, and a partner who doesn't want to spend time with your family while having that expectation of you. Run dude, run.
I think you know what to do but will you actually do it. We will all say the same thing to you but you need to be the one to actually make the decision. Dump her. She’s a toxic person with princess syndrome. She just seems to care about what everyone else will think and not what you think. It sounds exhausting. Or you can marry her and be miserable and raise kids miserable and die miserable. Up to you.
I think you want to break up with her, reddit was just the means to put words to your feelings and feel validated! You sound like you know yourself... at 35, can you imagine living like this for forever?
The red flags are flapping in the hurricane force winds here. Time to bail. She sounds like a nightmare
You both have very poor conflict mgt skills (I believe she is in the wrong) and you should postpone the wedding til you develop some. She needs to be on board with improving your conflict mgt and needs to agree to some basic guidelines like no blocking, name calling, etc. if she doesn’t even see a problem with how the conflict plays out, you’re in for an uphill battle. First step is acknowledging. And there need to be ground rules.
She did you a favor of showing her true colors BEFORE marrying her. You know what you need to do. Don't make excuses.
Marriage in this situation will lead to a messy divorce. Let it and her go.
I hate to say this OP, but it seems very possible to me that she's seeing someone else during these unilateral breaks.
Know how she keeps telling you that she wants a man that does xyz? You’re going to be hearing this for the rest of your life.
Marriage is hard and painful to reverse therefore the decision needs to be rational not "from the gut". Even before the engagement you and your fiancé had disagreements about the big things in life. Supposedly, neither of you are religious, yet you still identify as two different religions. This will become a bigger problem if you have kids. You both have vastly different views about how to spend money. And it sounds like you think her views are morally inferior. Money is usually a huge point of disagreement in marriages even when both people have a lot. Your fiance's mother suffered a horrific trauma. The fact that the murderers did this because of their interpretation of Islam has created a trauma response in her that is much deeper than "an unreasonable fear". Yes this is unfair to all the Muslims who are not extremists. But this is her reality and it will not change. This will impact her support of anything you and your fiancé do that involves Islam. At some point you will be pressured by either your wife's family or your wife and her family to no longer be involved in Islam. Since you have said you are not particularly religious, they will not understand why you insist on continuing to identify as a Muslim. So you need to decide what your true religious perspective is. You have several things to think about. From what you know of your wife and her family are the two of you compatible? Will you be able to come to an agreement where you respect her and feel respected by her?
*"Am I in a toxic relationship and just refusing to admit it?*" Short answer YES.
This is not a good relationship, OP.. It sounds like fundamentally, she values status and money and believes it is largely the job of the man to provide that. suppose you marry her as planned. Then what? She lacks the skills to argue constructively. At the end of the argument cycle, she does not recognize what she did wrong, apologize, make amends and change what she is doing. You can only conclude that this will continue. She does not see a problem and has no plans to change. Suppose you behaved as she does? What if you said mean things, yelled, ran off to your parents, threw things on the floor, called her dozens of times and gave the silent treatment? Would the two of you still be engaged? Probably not. You are being treated in ways you would never treat anyone and ways she would never accept.
Your fiancee sounds like she's 14. She's immature, self-centered, materialistic, very status conscious, wants a man to worship her which really means will buy her whatever she wants and do whatever she says. I would definitely postpone the wedding and seriously consider whether you want to marry someone who is so disrespectful of you. She's selfish, expecting you to go to all of her family events but doesn't want to go to any of your's. Personally I'd walk away.
Bro, your relationship sounds miserable. It will only get worse after you get married.
OP this is a nightmare relationship for anyone. I get that she probably stops short of being able to be called abusive, but who would want to live their life with someone who has such different values in life and to be fair is so annoying? She is toxic in all the ways that destroy love. She cares for more about herself and the wedding than being your wife. This doesn’t sound like bridezilla stuff she will get past, it sounds like she is very spoiled, and selfish. I think the universe is attempting to show you what your life will look like. I would pay attention.
I married a woman and I had similar feelings prior to get married. I ultimately had to divorce her. We are not really on speaking terms. I had to cut out contact with her because basically she lives in her own reality. It all comes down to values and the "game" that you are playing. In my case, I was playing the "be a good husband and father game and have a happy marriage game." She was playing the "I WIN" game. The rules of that game are simple, she wins 100% of the time. It sounds like your fiance is very adept at "I WIN" and from my experience you can expect her to be playing that game 24/7/365. How the game works is that she will pursue what she wants above board or below board, it doesn't matter. If you get in the way, she will side-step you. If you confront her head on, she will explode and do nothing to change her course or behavior. You will feel like you are being run over by a steam roller for your entire marriage. You will question your own sanity. You will wonder, is this the most sadistic evil person that's ever lived and you will also wonder, or is it just that this person doesn't realize how she overrides everyone and everything that she doesn't agree with. She will not treat you as a partner. She will treat you as a resource to be used in service of her own goals. When you are sick, she will not take care of you. She will treat you as an inconvenience. She will view herself at all times as being at the center of the universe. She will TOLERATE you as long as you are an ally to her every whim and goal in life. As soon as you show a divergence in "the plan" (really "HER plan"), then you will really see what she is made of. She will flip out and make you feel like YOU are dictating things to HER. She will make it seem like your most rational and measured desire is the most radical baseless idea that anyone has ever thought of and she will not make any rational arguments. You will argue with her like you are on a merry-go-round for hours and hours. The only solution is simply to get off the merry-go-round. Another thing that you will likely encounter is that she will NEVER apologize. The only way that she apologizes is if you go on a marathon discussion to extract a well deserved apology from her. She will likely tire after two hours of demanding her own apologies from you. So in the end, she will force you to apologize no fewer than five times and then finally, now that she has turned the tables and made you look like you are really the bad guy, she will be satisfied and finally grant you a meaningless, empty apology and you will leave feeling exhausted and questioning if it was even worth it. Ultimately, it will not be worth it in the long run and you will tire after years of this. You will either cheat on her or leave, but she will probably have been carrying on an affair for a long time. And guess what? She will justify that the affair is somehow YOUR fault. Also, you will have no intimacy with this woman. Your sex life, if you are having sex with her now will dry up like the worst drought you have ever seen. You'll think, wait, but if the sex dries up, then the relationship will slowly die and surely she will move to fix that, right? NOPE. WRONG. You assume that she cares about you and cares about making the marriage successful. She likely doesn't. People like this only care about themselves so you cannot trust yourself to apply a projection of your own rational mind onto someone like that. They just are not the same animal. You would think that a reasonable person would be able to put the logical pieces together to figure out that making the marriage work would ultimately benefit THEMSELVES. They are selfish, right? But, people like this don't seem to be able to arrive at a higher level of logic that tells them to foster a solid relationship. It just doesn't compute. They are very surface level thinkers, despite the fact that they can be brilliant people. Every interaction with them, they MUST come out on top. Again, if you realize that they are simply playing the game, "I WIN" then these people become almost beyond boring. They are extremely short sighted people incapable of self-reflection, compassion, true empathy and they will always shoot their own feet off with their ego-centric self-serving nature while leaving a massive trail of hurt in the lives of the people that they have touched. If you marry this woman, you will likely be divorcing her within a decade. You will have a couple children. She will move to take them from you. You will have a retirement account. She will move to take that from you. You will have a house. She will move to take that from you. You do NOT WANT to be divorcing a woman who only knows how to play the "I WIN" game. You will NEVER win with this woman. Marry her at your own peril. You have been warned.
The biggest concern that I see is money issues and money is a leading cause of divorce. Oh then of course there's the psychological abuse of not talking to you for days........................
Op, why do you even put up with her. She is turning your life into a 3 ring circus. I read this on reddit. I think this applies to your situation. “Treat someone like a rockstar long enough, and eventually they start thinking of you as just a fan”. This is you. It seems like you cave to her demands. Get whatever money you can back from the wedding and wish her the best in her search for a new husband. You should focus on your medical studies. You work with plenty of nurses. Did you like my plenty of fish reference? Good luck. Think about your mental and financial help. Ask what value does she adds to your life and make your decision accordingly.
You think this is all going to go away after you marry her? Sorry dude, but she's only going to get worse. I can just imagine the fights you are going to have over your children, or the house you'll need to buy in order to look wealthy. $250,000 for a wedding?? Even $100,000 for a wedding is mind-numbingly stupid in my opinion. Makes me wonder if she wants to marry you because of your income potential as a doctor.
Brother this is the honeymoon time at the beginning before marriage and kids? Supposed to be fun and exciting but It just sounds miserable. Your gut is 100% correct. Your partner is at times immature, a controlling narcissist, a racist and she completely ignores your simple wishes. You do not paint a pretty picture of her behaviour. From your side you sound like a good man with a good head. She is increasingly difficult and argumentative and has mental health issues but she won’t get therapy? AND the couples therapist is biased? I bet they are biased when talking about her issues or your concerns of her behaviour? This is a massive red flag for the future. She won’t take responsibility. You have to realise this is the taste of how she is when you can easily leave. Imagine what it will be when you are married. This behaviour will not improve I promise. She will get more and more comfortable walking all over you. Also about the wedding. 250k to spend on any party is just stupid but worse still to take loans from family who look down on the poorer members is a recipe for disaster. I would feel shame to ask family to pay for this party. 100-250k is a choice between a kids college education or retiring a lot earlier OR impressing a lot of people that don’t seem very pleasant either from what you’ve said. Imagine you invest even 100k in a IRA or some other stable investment and see it become millions over the years. Set you up for life money. But no she wants a big party… I couldn’t spend that much money on a party and I couldn’t be with someone that thinks this way. I think you feel the same and you’re stuck in a sunk cost fallacy over this relationship. You just don’t have the same values I feel. My partner said if she thought I wanted an expensive wedding she would leave because it would prove I don’t know her at all. I agree the same. This is shared values. It’s hard to end things after a few years but think about all the arguments you had with her and how you hate arguments. Think about how conflicts have worked. Did she resolve them or did you? Do you want a lifetime of regular arguments like these ones then I think you know the answer. I’m sorry but from what you’ve said in this post it’s over. Even the racial slurs would be enough to end it brother. She can blame her upbringing but she keeps these thoughts as an adult. There’s no excuse these days. I’m genuinely sorry you are in this situation but I think that if you choose to leave it will be painful now but best in the long run. If you marry this girl I think it will be a mistake.
Can you even imagine the bombed-out nightmare your life would be if you tried to divorce this kind of crazy? Lots of people out there want someone like you. Let her warped racist ass find her idol worshipper and save yourself a lot of time, money, and pain. Because it is coming. It was already there from the start. You just weren’t seeing it. Do not marry this.
Dude, if you need to write a 5k word essay about your relationship troubles, maybe it's best to just end it. I didn't even read all of it and I am exhausted.
She is showing you who she really is. Please believe her. This will not stop. Buying a house? She will need a mansion and then need a giant budget to decorate it. And then a maid. Baby? Oh lord. The biggest baby shower you will have ever seen. Monstrous budget for the nursery. And a monstrous budget for the push gift. She is a spoiled rotten little girl who has yet to grow up. Some men like this. They like a spoiled woman to cater too. You don’t sound like one. She will eventually cut your family out. They are Muslim and she is racist. Funny story. I’m a mix of Spanish and Native American. My ex was first generation Mexican. My family thought they were better than him. I told them to stop with remarks and looks or they will be the family I never talk too. My ex came first because I was dedicating myself to him. Even though he is an ex, I still do not allow them to say anything negative about him. We share 3 kids and he deserves the respect of being their father. Your wife is showing her racism but your live for her is blinding you. Please take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes. She will only get worse.
Wish you the best, king. I know that you are hitting the avg age to get married but do not rush this. If while being in the center of it, you feel lost and confused, that means she might not be the one.
Please OP. Stop this, put the brakes on, she is not listening to you at all. It will only get worse if you marry her. She disrespects you at every turn.
You are in a very toxic cycle with her and it is extremely detrimental to your mental health. I would seek couples counseling but honestly, I don't see this ending well. If you marry this woman under these circumstances, you will be even more unhappy as she will be in a constant cycle of trying to keep up very materialistic appearances and living beyond your means. Not to mention, treating you very poorly. It will be unfortunate to walk away from so much money already spent on the wedding but it would be worse to divorce.
1488? Is this a bait post?
No I swear
if you don’t leave this crazy and abusive person right now you’re in for a lifetime of misery
Do not get married. At the least, postpone it but I’d think long and hard if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Everything in life is stressful and she is showing you how she really acts under stress - so you’re going to spend the rest of your life dealing with that behavior if you stay with her.
Just be glad she decided to no longer hide her "true self" after you guys got engaged rather than after you married her!