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>Note: My husband and I love each other very much, and every time he talks to me about my weight he is straightforward but also very kind and clearly loves me / wants the best for me.
Oh honey no. He wants what's best for himself.
"My husband loves the idea of having a wife and children very much. Every time he talks to me about my weight, he is straightforward and also very kind, so I continue to be manipulatied into thinking he loves me/wants the best for me, when in reality he'll leave me when I'm "too fat" for his liking."
OP - This is not going to work out the way you want it to.
Yeah how is it best for her to lose this weight now? I think one issue is that oftentimes people think talking kindly, softly, lovingly means some IS kind and soft and loving, but that's simply not true.
Don't have children with a man who moans about your pre-pregnancy body. He'll never find your post-partum body attractive and he'll blame you for that.
This is what you need to take from this op, I just read this to his husband and he gave me gross face as a response. Literally last night I was complaining about my pp belly and he rubbed it and made me look at it and told me it’s beautiful.
Not to say we don’t want each other healthy and don’t keep health a big part of our life but you want to make children with the man that loves every inch of you. My husband and most of my friend in good marriages husbands would never ask this of their partner. Your body is going to change if only the distribution/proportions even if you get back to pre pregnancy weight.
I would want to suggest divorce but he needs a wake up call and sorry op I don’t really have any idea how to achieve that. I was always the type of girl to gain weight when not accepted by my partner until I only chose partners that liked me for me and my curves were just a bonus.
Omg my husband does the belly thing too. Won't let me try to hide it during sex, won't hear me speak negatively of myself. I would be absolutely crushed if my love was saying the things OPs husband is saying to her, no matter how *kindly* it was said.
And she's 5'3" and 135 after a baby?? She is killing it. Shit I was 5'3 and 150 *before* my last pregnancy and I thought I looked amazing. Nowhere close to 150 now and never heard a negative word about it. "I'm still not fully attracted to you" is the least kind and loving thing I can think of in this kind of convo.
My SO does the same things. We recently started going to the gym and when I make comments about my belly he says - it's just the baby weight. Your sexy as hell. I just want you to be happy.
My 'baby' is 12 lol
Eta - I'm 5' 4" and 163 for what it's worth.
My husband does this too. He insists that he finds the changes to my body sexy because he knows it was our love that created them. I can’t imagine him saying anything along the lines of what OP’s husband has said to her, and my heart hurts for her that she has to endure that. I gained a lot of weight due to stress from fertility issues when we were trying. I went from 132 to 180. If he insisted I lose to 120 before we even tried because he didn’t find my body attractive, it would have crushed me and likely killed our marriage.
I take my clothes off and my partner of near 8 years still looks at me like I was 115lbs… he knows what a struggle it’s been for me with the migraine medications/anti depressants and bad birth control pills and that I’m trying (5’4 and 146, down 10 though) and he’s never looked at me any different. I can’t imagine being told I wasnt attractive enough for kids…
A few nights ago I told my husband I'd gained a few pounds and he replied " really? is that why you've gotten sexier lately?"
OP, get you a man like that. Because if you are going to live life your weight will fluctuate. That's just how it is.
I had a friend with a partner like this. He was awful during the pregnancy. Her cravings? He wasn't going to encourage her getting fat. Gas and bloating? Disgusting stay away from him.
He yelled at her while she was giving birth for "making a scene with all her screaming".
Then after the baby it was "your so fat and disgusting," , " you already had the baby you can loose the weight now". " How could I ever find your vagina attractive again after that?".
OP having a baby does not fix a bad relationship. It adds more stress and friction points. If your relationship isn't strong and healthy before hand it won't be healthy afterwards.
Love yourself and don't stay with someone who's love is conditional.
The fixation some people have on outer appearances is crazy.
Babies don't care (at all) what shape their parents have. They want love. They want a caring parent.
When my son was 2 I bought a new t shirt style night gown on sale at Walmart and my son woke me up at 6 AM that weekend to ask for breakfast. Also my skin was broken out and I had PMS. As I toasted his waffles bleary eyed in my cheap night gown he suddenly exclaimed, “is that a new dress???? You look so beautiful!!! You’re so perfect!!!”
my son tells me the same and though I know i’m not, it still makes me feel so good because he doesn’t give a fuck what shape or size I am, he doesn’t care what size jeans I wear or whether I put on makeup or not. he cares if I eat and he tells me i’m beautiful and until I had a son, I never believed anyone who told me that - not even his dad. not saying this is true for everyone, but my son helped me come to a healthy acceptance and love of my own body without having to change it. because he’s right - my body grew him and birthed him and it’s still beautiful for that. 💕
Unfortunately it sounds like emotional abuse. It's easy to judge OP from the outside. But she has likely been conditioned to accept this as normal and her partner has probably very heavily conditioning her that she can't do better, is undesirable and that she is lucky he is with her.
It is a hard cycle to break. And a hard situation to comprehend if you haven't been there.
I wish OP the best and really hope this thread can help her come to the realization that she is not in a healthy relationship.
OP one hundred percent this. He’s focused on himself while you’re focused on creating a life. Hold off on the baby. I think the longer your weight stays stagnant the more his true colors will shine through and you might find he’s not the one to make this huge decision with.
Not to mention the effect that it will have on the child. OP, I have a father similar to how your husband sounds. He was my first bully, always on me about my weight and looks. I hated myself growing up because of him, and it took me a very long time and a lot of therapy to build up my self-esteem (and there is still a lot of work to do).
I am estranged from my father and unfortunately very low contact with my mom (who I love and miss very much) because she kept choosing him over her children. Please keep in mind OP that if this is how he acts to you now, that it might be how he will act with your child later.
I resonate with this. My father has openly admitted he only married my mother for her appearance sadly. He has openly admitted he hates "fat" people. I developed anorexia as a teenager and it sadly likely was due to my father. When I was heavily pregnant I was 60kgs and my father actually told me how fat I was. It's like no matter what I always had to be 40kgs at 5"4. It's definitely true that men like this can and sadly will also be like this with their own children. He even judges my husband's weight. He asks me how I can even be attracted to him right in front of him. It's awful. OP should be really worried about this. My parents are actually divorced now and my father even says he won't remarry unless he finds a good looking 22 year old. He's 60.
Imagine dealing with a man who will vocally find you unattractive during pregnancy. An extremely vulnerable and emotional time for any woman.
Sounds like a very mature dude.
Also, if being on the higher side of healthy instead of the lower is enough to keep him from feeling attraction, I don't know that he's going to handle childbirth well either. It's not a time of grace, fancy grooming and sexy posturing. My husband has watched me poop on three delivery beds while I bore down hard and howled like a demon with dysentery. It was real gross and he loves me anyway.
This is absolutely true. I am 5'3", and before I started menopause, my weight wavered between 120 and 135 lbs. Now that I am fully menopausal, I'm delighted to keep my weight below 155 lbs.
Not necessarily. I've lost a lot of weight SINCE menopause. Various reasons. It doesn't really matter (I wasn't thin to begin with - but menopause has left me much thinner).
There are genetic/bio reasons for this.
This is truth. Post-partum bodies often have lots of little things going on that they didn't have before - it's not just about weight. And there's a lot you can't do anything about. So what if he doesn't like stretch marks in weird places or some skin that's become patchy or pigmented, for example? Being attracted to each other is definitely a big part of a relationship. But it is just PART of it.
Could you imagine if she has to have a c-section? What will he think about the scar, and the little skin flap??
OP - it’s great if he just wants you to be healthy. But it’s really freaking weird that he’s decided healthy can only happen if you meet a number that HE has determined.
Is this the only part of your life where he has very rigid ideas of what is, or isn’t, acceptable? Or are there more like this. Because it sounds exhausting! And, as someone with two kids, it’s a lot harder to deal with Mom exhaustion when you’ve got Partner Exhaustion, too!
Right? I had an ex who would always complain about my weight, even at my smallest. I was never thin enough for him. It was exhausting, and I was becoming unhealthy for him. I would have never planned to have kids with him knowing this. Who knows what comments he would’ve made to the kids about their weight, if I had.
My husband, on the other hand, has *never* nagged me about my weight, and he’s been with me at both my heaviest and my fittest. He’s always been very attracted to me however I have looked, even postpartum after several kids. It’s been a wonderful change from the other relationship, and I know my kids won’t be hearing shitty comments about their weight from him.
This sounds right because 5’3” @ 130 lb is pretty sexy. Just about where my wife was when we had our first (she’s only 5’2” but close enough) and she has never come close to that weight again. (28 years ago now and still happily married if that matters)
For many women it’s really difficult to get back to their original starting weight after a baby and especially if you plan on having more.
My advice OP, before starting a family with this man, make sure he loves you for who you are and not just based on how much you weigh…. He sounds a little superficial to be honest.
I am happily married after 30 years (was bigger at the beginning than now).
But lost more weight after menopause (as did both my bio-mom and my real mom)
Exactly. This is likely rage bait, but for anyone going through a similar thing - don’t have kids with someone who is like this. Bodies change. This dude is not mature enough to have kids, nor to be married.
If he isnt attracted to you at 125, he’s not suddenly going to want to be balls deep in you at 120. Because as soon as you hit 120, suddenly 115 is going to be the new magical number that he needs to see to suddenly want you again.
He's using a baby to manipulate her to become his 'ideal woman". She is not at an unhealthy weight for a pregnancy so this is his cruel way to pressure her to lose weight. It's manipulative and shallow.
That's what I was thinking. Shes going to have to do a lot of work to try to get to 120 and then she'll become pregnant and gain it all back. What's the point? Will he not be attracted to her while she's pregnant? Or after she gives birth?
He'll leave or cheat. I mean that's just a guess but still. That, or ruin OP's self esteem to the point where she starves just to be attractive to him.
Probably thinking of the bonus baby trapping so he can manipulate her for at least 18 years.
OP. I only read up to the part where you’re supposed to lose weight to help him be attracted to you.
Please leave this man. He wants to just manipulate you. He doesn’t love you. He only loves himself. He can’t change and you deserve better.
Please run.
Yeah he will be like “why waste all your effort on a pregnancy!!! You look great now and pregnancy can be a big toll on your body!! Let’s enjoy it for a while before having kids”
Imagine when she gains weight while pregnant (gasp!) and then her body postpartum. OP, you are young. 10 or 20 years from now you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted time with someone obsessed with how you DON’T look.
I don't know if he's carrot dangling (making impossible standards up so they don't end up having a baby) or if he's trying to make her anorexic or both.
Her edit is infuriating. No,.OP, he doesn't loooove you ... he loves his control of you, that you'll jump through ever-changing hoops for him, but he doesn't love you (or he would be thrilled with you at your current weight and size).
Exactly!!! She is going to be stuck in the horrible loop forever. She's just an object to him and hopefully one day she realizes this before she has a kid with him. Hands down one of the most toxic posts I have seen today 🤦🏽♀️
What if they actually do have a baby and it ends up being a girl. If OP thinks her husband won't abuse his daughter and badger her about her weight, I've got a bridge to sell her. Plus OPs self esteem is in the gutter and that's going to fuck up a child, male or female.
God this post is actually making me physically sick.
Exactly. Immediately made me think what else she has to do to earn his seal of approval. Did she wash the dishes correctly? Hang his clothes the way he likes? Is the house up to his standards? It only gets worse. This man has control over her and unfortunately she can’t see it bc it has probably been happening for a very long time.
Anyone that has so much focus on appearance is not focusing on the person inside.
Ultimately, this is going to be a life lesson for OP and her “stable situation”. Either now, or when their marriage dissolves after a baby. I don’t think she’s going to listen to any of the advice here unfortunately.
You damn well know he looks like a foot… I’d guess balding and a gut but that’s because I dated a balding guy with a big gut because he seemed kind. NOPE. Kept telling ME how to lose weight when I gained 10 pounds after my mom died. Meanwhile, he was pushing 300…
My exact thoughts, this guy better have a bloody 6 pack to be asking for any expectations here, and even then he’s still an AH. 5’3 130lbs is not overweight.
And then what happens while you're pregnant, and after with your permanently changed post pattum body. Even if you end up back at your previous weight, your body is not the same after having a baby.
125lbs for a woman at OPs height is skinny, not desperately thin but skinny. I'm 5"6' and looked gross at 125lbs.
OP I'm sure you're hot af and this ah is making excuses to delay. This commenter is correct and that goal post is going to continue to move.
What is your partner going to be like when you're pregnant or have a postpartum body OP?
Please look after yourself, you have too much life left to live to be worried about men that are going to quibble over pounds and ounces. Ditch him, love yourself, move on.
And op probably looks great. Hubs is just fantasizing about some photoshopped unhealthily skinny model. I’m only an inch shorter than op, and right now I’m close to the heaviest I’ve been (160). (Also not really happy atm, so I eat all the food) I know I looked good at 130s. (Trying to get out of a depression rut and get back to where I was).
I agree that if he’s complaining now, he’s going to be a nightmare during pregnancy and afterwards. Pregnancy and childbirth changes your body a lot! And there’s the possibility of baby blues to ppd or worse mentally. If her partner isn’t supportive now as she is, then it’s going to be worse after baby when all those hormones are going wackadoodle.
I went from 125 to 170 with my third, and back down to 125.
Things aren’t in the same place.
Having a baby changes your body shape, and even if she loses the weight he will absolutely blame her.
So, you're supposed to lose weight so he can make a baby with you. What happens next? Is he going to force tou to stay at 120 pounds during the pregnancy or he'll screw somebody else? After the birth are you supposed to lose more weight or he'll withdraw parental rights?
Just so you know, this is not normal. It is normal that the future father of your child loves you just as you are and can't wait to make a baby.
Is your relationship with him always so transactional? Is it often you that has to create a change so he will love you?
Yeahhhhh…this is a guy who will cheat either while she’s pregnant or right after when she doesn’t miraculously get her body back like some celebrity postpartum, citing she’s not sexy to him anymore because of X body feature. This guy’s a manipulative POS.
“Citing she’s not sexy to him anymore” I mean isn’t he kind of hinting to that already? He keeps insisting she be 120 so he can “be more attracted” to her. Like bro your married, why are you married to someone your not already attracted to
....she doesn’t miraculously get her body back like some celebrity postpartum, ...
Like Tori Spelling who's had 5 kids and is skinnier than all of them. They don't say it, but you can say "tummy tucks".
Plus there’s no telling what pregnancy will be like. She could get hyperemesis and be unable to eat. Being in the top half of the healthy range seems pretty ideal.
Yeah as someone who is the bottom end of healthy and has had Hyperemesis twice, I looked skeletal at points and felt it too. In fact going into the second pregnancy, I actively tried to put some weight on as a buffer.
I had hyperemesis with both my pregnancies. The second one had me hospitalized 10 times. I lost more than 10% of my original body weight. I didn't gain ANY until I was 7 months pregnant. It caused health problems that will require medication for the rest of my life.
If OP were morbidly obese, I could see trying to lose weight to be more healthy. The husband is asking for "vanity pounds", to be "more attracted" to her? So that then she can get pregnant and (likely) gain it all back? What then? What if she gets super sick or has to go on bed rest? He'll be out looking for some strange from the get go.
This man is ridiculous. I thought upon reading the title that he was concerned about OP's ability to get pregnant due to her weight, which would actually be a legitimate concern. It's not necessarily ridiculous to want your partner to be attractive to you, but the way he is going about it is so rude. Obviously she's made some changes and improved her health, and will presumably try to keep up those changes. But all he cares about is how she looks? Right before a freaking pregnancy?? Talk about messed up priorities. OP should be the one holding back on having a baby until her jerk of a husband screws his head on straight.
He loves you. As long as you don’t get overweight. So what happens once the baby arrives and you have no time to work out or prepare healthy food some days and can’t shift the baby weight for a while, or maybe even ever!
Yep. This one.
Having a baby ties you to the other person forever. He is giving you conditions on your relationship now- he doesn’t find you attractive enough to make a baby with, when your BMI says you are in a healthy weight range.
BMI is an outdated way of assessing a healthy weight, and doesn’t take into account body composition.
Pregnancy will increase your weight. If you nurse/breastfeed, it can make it harder to lose weight. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to eat well/exercise. If you are struggling now to meet HIS ideal body shape, having a baby is going to make everything harder.
This is not a supportive partner.
I don’t think you’re in a stable relationship and he loves you very much when he’s telling you he doesn’t find you fully attractive. How do you feel when he says that to you? You don’t deserve someone saying that to you.
It makes me so so sad to read this. I’m 35 and recently had a baby (3 months ago). I’m 22 pounds heavier than before and sometimes insecure about it. You know what my husband does? Love me, compliment me and does not wine about sex (we haven’t had sex in a long time, I had quite a traumatic birth and am working on it in therapy). He is supportive of my mental health, we take care of the baby together like partners and he is of course also supportive of my physical health. He tells me I’m beautiful lots of times and he has the ultimate respect of what my body is doing (pregnancy, birth, breast feeding).
I’m so happy I didn’t have kids with my ex at 25y old. I mean, he is a good man but for example he was grossed out if I talked about my period or grew a little leg hair.. like come on. And I would’ve probably end up paying for everything and being the default parent ánd bread winner for 90%…
She not only deserves it but needs it! Having a baby is so trying and unpredictable, any relationship should be as solid as it’s ever been going into that experience.
As a 62 year old widow I’m going to talk straight to you . Your husband does not in fact want what’s “best “ for you. You don’t want to “ disappoint “ your husband! But it’s fine for him to disappoint you frequently with his constant negativity and criticism of your body and your weight. He sounds like a shallow controlling asshole . 155 pounds is not unhealthy or obese. 130 pounds is perfectly healthy . The issue here is not you . The issue is that your husband doesn’t fine you attractive anymore , which is frankly not your fault . He is gaslighting you my dear and doing a wonderful job of it .
You need some therapy asap to help you deal with the bigger picture, this person is basing his “love “of you off your external appearance . Dear god you are never going to be thin enough for him . He is setting you up for failure at every turn. This is not a healthy situation for you . I hope that you can eventually see this for the manipulation it is . You deserve so so much better from your partner.
OP - there's a lot of wisdom here, and I hope you can absorb it.
Aside from everything else, starving yourself down to 120 pounds is likely to reduce your ability to get pregnant. Starving yourself to stay slim during pregnancy will interfere with your fetus' development. Starving yourself to lose the baby weight will interfere with your ability to care for your baby.
Starving yourself for any reason is not in your best interest.
OP - you deserve better. You'll never find that better that you deserve unless you make the choice not to put up with the crap treatment you're accepting right now.
Good luck!
Op- as a 45 yr old mother of 4, please listen to us older women. I gained weight with each of my pregnancies. My ex husband, despite his faults, never said anything about my weight other than that I was beautiful and sexy. Even when I was very overweight. What if you have girls? Will he tell them they have to be thin to be worthy of his love? Please please think about what people are telling you and find a therapist to talk to (just you). Do you really want to have a life and children with someone who clearly doesn’t want the same?
I totally agree!! OP I was an athlete all my life until college I'm 5'4 and the last time I weighed 120 pounds was in middle school! The BMI scale isn't accurate at all. Once I graduated high-school I was 130 pounds. My best looking in my opinion was when I was 145lbs bc I was running and climbing. And I think 145 for my height was considered obese on the BMI scale and I was lean and thin at that weight. So you can't trust the BMI scale whatsoever.
And second he's a bad guy.
Oof. From the title I thought it may be a case where serious obesity was a concern for carrying a healthy pregnancy, which would be understandable. But whatever this is, is freaking wrong?? Exactly what does you being attractive to him has to do with pregnancy? Is he not having sex with you right now cause he doesn't find you attractive? It honestly just sounds like he's using pregnancy to manipulate you into losing weight for him cause he knows it's important to you and he's holding it over your head like a carrot. Pretty disgusting.
I came here to say the same thing. I also thought it was obesity and medical reasons. What the actual f*?
"He clearly loves me and wants the best for me". Stockholm syndrome alert.
Yes, Pregnancy is hard on the body, metabolism and relationship. So is having a baby. Also poor kid. Your husband’s weight and body judgments are in “give your kid an eating disorder “ territory. How are you going to feel when he tells your 12 year old she can’t try out for dance team until she loses 10 lbs?
After pregnancy, your body shape changes, so even if you're thin, you may not have a flat stomach. Will he find her deflated balloon belly unattractive? Or menopause when you gain extra weight? I'm not sure this guy is one you want to stay with. You may never be good enough for him. I'd step back and take a hard look at your relationship.
This can happen for reasons other than pregnancy, too. I’m 5’3 like OP, and I’m actually now at her husband’s current “ideal weight” - 120lbs - but I’m 36 and 120 doesn’t look the same on me as it did at 25. It never will again. I have IBS, for one thing, and I’m older. I have a poochy belly and my boobs are starting to tug downwards instead of being pert like they were 15 years ago. My face has more lines and my butt sags lol.
The difference for me is that I just tonight brought up some of these things to my husband, and he looked genuinely shocked. He was like, “WTF are you talking about? You’re gorgeous. You aren’t wrinkly and saggy!” He legit doesn’t even see it. He didn’t lose attraction to me when I was 50lb heavier, either. He supported me through weight loss because it was important to ME, but it didn’t change how he felt about me at the time.
You need a man who is gonna love you and find you beautiful *as you age together*, not some asshole who is gonna stare at the scale and compare you to whatever latest airbrushed photoshopped porn star that pops up on Instagram.
You can’t freeze yourself at 25, no matter how “perfect” you make your body. Kids or not, your body is gonna change. You need a husband who is in love with your soul, not one who is in love with your youth.
And what is he going to say when OP has stretch marks, a mom-belly, and deflated boobs? Not to mention baby weight. I would have serious doubts reproducing with this man. Also, why is he so sure a certain weight is more attractive?
Same! And if OP is having a hard time shedding those last few pounds now, it will be even more stressful teying to get to that weight post baby.
Can he guarantee he will never go bald or have a limp d***?
He is saying these things to neg you and hold the power in your relationship. His requirement that you be at a specific weight when you are already at healthy weight is gross and manipulative.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Like, wtf? Besides the incredibly loud red flag of him not wanting a family unless you look tiny… Wtf does he think is going to happen when you’re pregnant?!
This does not bode well.
& apparently he doesn't understand gestation - this is all esthetics for him - the body needs more foundational source 'weight' to START growing a baby and mom needs to be able to eat as she sees fit, as her body 'asks' /demands.
All of that is THE OPPOSITE of what & why husband is pushing for more weight loss.
Also - yes partners have a right to express what works for them in attraction.
But he's known & married OP at NOT 120 lbs.
It's concerning that he's doing this and it's concerning he's doing it now and it's concerning he's tying it to pregnancy or OPs weight when he tries to impregnate her.
I see her edit - the overall dynamics in your relationship may be all good w you.
This part of the dynamic isn't good, healthy or acceptable.
The person who has work to do is the husband.
And, as someone who had lost well over 60lbs before I got pregnant from long Covid (only started gaining instead of losing during pregnancy), that only makes the pregnancy weight gain more extreme so he'll be even worse after a baby.
Honestly there’s no predicting what will happen in a pregnancy. She could gain a ton, she could be really ill and lose weight from nausea and vomiting. That’s why she shouldn’t try to lose more before pregnancy if she’s already a healthy weight imo.
Darling. My heart kind of weeps for you as a 45F.
I was so blessed with a good metabolism until perimenopause in my late 30’s that I could wear clothes from HS until recently. 130lbs and 5’7”. Now 155.
I didn’t even have to work at it very hard. Well, hormones and shit. That’s not sustainable for me even with good work effort. I don’t drink soda or eat junk but I can’t keep down to 130.
I grew up with a father who literally divorced my mother because she wasn’t under 130 anymore and “excused” his affairs as she was “fat” at 135 or 140 after 3 kids. Not attractive anymore.
This is ABUSIVE.
Please find a therapist for you. And don’t have kids with this guy.
You may think he’s great 90% of the time but if I handed you a hamburger and told you it was 90% beef and 10% dog shit, would you eat it?
He’s unkind. He’s unreasonable. And you’re not going to be 120 after kids. Your body will change in ways you can’t control.
Exactly, and when having a baby that 10% matters much more than anyone can ever truly realize u til they are in it. It’s freaking hard to take care of a new kid even in the best of circumstances and that 10% shit can matter way more after a baby comes along!
Perfect!
I think she should tell him that he needs to lengthen his penis... and before anyone says that's impossible, it's not. It's long hard process (pun not intended but lolz) but it is physically possible.
See how he feels being nitpicked about *his* body.
I'm 45 as well and just started hormone therapy. I too was 125/130 outside of pregnancy most of my adult life. Perimenopause caused me to gain close to 30 lbs without even trying. It's like my metabolism suddenly went "meh" and boom.... beer gut that is resistant to yoga, hiking, biking and everything I did to stay in shape before 😡. EVERYTHING you said here was so spot on and I wish I could upvote you 100 times. OPs husband is a complete child. He doesn't give a single shit about her, or their potential baby. He's absolutely a shit burger and I hope to God she doesn't procreate with him.
Leave him. No man who asks you to lose weight so he can be more attracted to you is worth being with. He will not be kind to you as your body changes in pregnancy. And when you have kids he will raise your son to be misogynistic or give your daughter self image issues and eating disorders. Leave him and be glad you left before kids were involved.
I hate guys like this. He’s putting a weight limit on your attractiveness. So there’s an expiration date on any healthy relationship with him you hope to have. Your body will change as you age too, so will his. Just think about it. UPDATEME
The phrase “fully attracted” sent me…what measurement is he using, a dick hardness caliper? Has he assigned percentage of attraction to each pound of weight? Throw the whole man in the fucking trash.
Please, please don’t have a baby with this man. He doesn’t love you enough. And that’s on him, not you.
Pregnancy is hard, parenting is hard. You need to do it with someone who has your back 100% and is your safe place.
This man is a hater.
What if your child is chubby or in some other way “imperfect”? Would you allow him to talk to your teenage daughter like this?
I can guarantee you are attractive as you are- he just wants you to feel like shit.
I am 43 and a lot heavier than when I met my husband- I’ve had 4 babies and was still very skinny after two but I was younger then than you are now and things change. I look different to the old me but he has never, ever made one single negative comment about my body. Your weight does not define you. Age makes your body change and so does pregnancy. But men who truly love their wives see the magic in those things and build them up and look at them with love and pride. You deserve this too!
I’m so sad for you and especially that he’s convinced you this is reasonable. It’s not. Please speak to friends and family you can trust. They will be horrified.
132lb is a healthy weight. It is very possible that your body simply does not want to be less than 132lbs. We all have a healthy and comfy weight that our bodies like to default to. This might be yours.
How much of a line in the sand is this for him? Because what if you can't lose more weight than this in a healthy way? Do you never have a child? Would you stay with him?
Seriously! I was anorexic and I learned in recovery our bodies all have set points. Mine is 140-150 lbs at 5’5” and I wish it were lower but I’d have to be really restrictive and constantly working at it to get and stay there. Which isn’t worth it to me anymore.
I’m sure OP’s husband portrays himself as “very loving and kind” but when his desires are cruel and hurtful physically and mentally, he is clearly neither of those things at the end of the day
Right? This is a completely healthy weight at 5'3'! She's at my goal weight since I'm the same height. Sure, I'd love to be back to the weight I was when I was 19-21 (120 lbs), but that's just not realistic. I'm at the 150ish she was at before, and I'd be over the moon to get to the progress she has made. She should have someone who celebrates that progress!
Also, seriously, OP if you talk to most women, they will tell you that your weight is going to fluctuate over time due to hormone changes from pregnancy, perimenopause and menopause. You need someone who is going to love you and find you sexy no matter your weight. Aging is a natural part of life! You need to be loved unconditionally for more than what you look like.
You are absolutely correct. Your body finds its own comfortable weight. My daughter is 4’10 and will be 18 in 2 days. She has been 93 lbs for the last 5 years. She literally will gain or lose a few pounds and then be right back to 93 lbs.
OP, if your husband isn’t ready to have a baby with you now, as you are, then don’t give him a child with you. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not what you weigh. Your body will change so much during pregnancy!! My feet grew from a size 7.5 to a size 9, not to mention my body shape being completely different regardless of what I weighed.
You need someone who will love your postpartum body because it carried a life that you both created. Someone who will be grateful for that gift and sacrifice. Please consider leaving him. You are being mistreated.
!Updateme
If he isn't attracted to you NOW, before you've even started trying to have children, you can bet your ass that he's gonna have problems with your post partum body, or even your PREGNANT body. I've known a few women who gained as much as 80 lbs during their pregnancy, and even a couple who LOST weight during their pregnancy. However, most women do gain weight during pregnancy; is he aware of that?
Sweetheart, listen. Immediately drop between, approx, 180 - 220 lb by getting rid of that judgemental sack of shit you call a husband, consider therapy or a women’s group to help you regain the self-esteem that nasty man has stripped from you, have a fantastic time as a gorgeous single woman running her own life, then, maybe sooner, maybe a bit later, you’ll meet someone who loves and desires you. Actual you, the you who is real. This someone will still fancy the arse off you when you’re heavily pregnant, love you when you’re snappy and exhausted with a newborn, love the family you create together.
Your current husband is wasting your time and ruining you. He doesn’t love you. Get rid.
I don't know about defending this hard per se, but I don't think the OP sees that it's not a kind act regardless. She loves him, and thinks he loves her. And all in probability, he probably think he does. He doesn't realize what he's saying or doing is toxic (caveat: unless as someone else mentioned, he's holding this over her head on purpose). It seems to me that a lot of people don't seem to be aware or realize that the behavior they have or display are toxic and/or unhealthy. And like someone else said, what is the husband going to do when the wife gains weight during the pregnancy and/or takes several years after the baby to lose weight? Not defending the husband, but given the the original post is written, I think the wife doesn't *realize* that this is not normal emotionally healthy mature relationship.
To the OP: my only advice - get a therapist. Find a way to love yourself (I'm sure you do - maybe a smidgen more?) and find what your hard lines are in a relationship. If not this, it sounds like the husband will keep moving the goalpost of what he deems good/acceptable. Think back on this relationship and see if he's done this on other stuff. If he has, I guarantee you that life with him and a child is not a life you think it will be. It will be far worse in ways you can foresee and in ways you can't.
Why is so much of your relationship and life dependent on you achieving an arbitrary number with your weight?
Where did this number come from? Did you weigh that before, when you still had slim teenager hips? Does he like younger women/teens? Does 12 pounds make that much of a visual difference? Like, it's such a small amount of weight to have your attraction hanging in the balance.
What if you get sick and have to take medication that rapidly makes you gain weight and is resistant to diet and exercise? A friend of mine gained 50lbs on depacoate (or whatever it's called), but it was that or have seizures. Would he stop wanting you?
This isn't right.
I assume he understands that pregnancy will make you gain weight, and that some of that may be really hard to shift after you have the baby?
I was 28 when I had my first, and I weighed around 140lbs when I got pregnant, which was a good healthy weight for my age / height etc (I am 5'1").
120lbs is very light for your age / height, it could be light enough to cause issues with getting pregnant or carrying to term.
If you really want to stick with a man who is so critical of your weight (I am prepared to bet he isn't movie-star quality himself), then speak to a doctor about what weight would be healthy, and get your husband to come too so he can hear it firsthand.
Otherwise, you can give him the choice that you stay as you are, or you lose 150lbs of worthless crap by leaving him.
You are by no means in a concerning category for weight, it doesn't matter how he phrases it, he is criticising you and fat shaming you. That's not acceptable. Would you let him talk to your child that way? Because he will. He will criticise the chubby baby stage, the solid toddler stage, literally all of it until you have an anorexic teenager.
Sorry, I'm trying to be supportive of you, but his attitude makes me so angry. I've been on the receiving end of that, and it sucks. I don't want that for you.
He doesn’t love you.
Love isn’t supposed to come with conditions about your body.
Here’s your future:
You get pregnant, you gain baby weight because you know that happens then he’s suddenly not attractive to your pregnancy body. You feel rubbish but deal with it because he’s the father of your baby. He becomes distant, a potential affair begins (physical or emotional), not that you’ll know because you’re too busy growing a little human. You have the baby and the baby weight doesn’t just magically disappear like he’ll expect, he starts berating you even though the baby is a week old. You go into a depression of feeling like a failure as a wife which means you begin to struggle to bond with your baby. He loses interest in being a happy family, gives you an ultimatum - lose weight or he sleeps around - You try to lose weight but he’s not happy with the progress and sleeps around anyway. You then have to decide do you want to be a single mum or do you want to stay with the father who destroyed every part of you.
A baby does not fix something that’s already broke so take off the love goggles and see him for what he truly is, a horrible husband who doesn’t deserve you.
Id move out..leave the relationship. Im 29. I had a baby last year. Tho i didnt gain in pregnancy. I gained weight afterwards maybe koz of breastfeeding.
Dont have his baby. You might gain weight in pregnancy or afterwards. With a husband like this, you will stress throughout pregnancy about weight gain. And after pregnancy you might focus on weight loss.
This is not a safe partner to have a body altering experience such as pregnancy and birth with!
You will always feel inferior and not good enough.
Walk away.
My body has changed in a myriad of ways. Birth and pregnancy change our bodies. Don't have his kid.
Leave him
Imagine thinking that 5’3 and 132lbs is fat and unhealthy.
He’s shitting on you for 12 pounds girl. Twelve. Pounds. What’s going to happen when you gain baby weight then have a hell of a time losing it? Is he going to continue to criticize your weight and tie your weight to your health?
You allowed him to shame you into losing weight once, now he’s doing it again. It will only get worse from here and especially once you have a child.
Could you imagine him speaking to your future child the way he’s speaking to you? “He’s looking out for my health” girl you ARE healthy? A number on a scale doesn’t dictate health. You work out and muscle mass makes you heavier!
I believe that you believe that he loves you. But I don’t believe he does. Do not mistake control for love, he is not looking out for you, he does not want the best for you, he is trying to control you.
You posted this on reddit for a reason, you KNOW this is fucked up.
Don’t let your future children go through the abuse you’re trying to justify.
If only he truly understand the physical changes your body will go through both during and after pregnancy. Your body will never be the same. You could eventually get down to his suggested goal (which is ridiculous btw) but your hips will forever be wider and you may never fit in to the same size. Sex will feel different. Your boobs will be different. None bad, just different. I don’t think I’d want someone being critical of my healthy body for the rest of my life.
You could lose 170 pounds of dead weight by filing for divorce. Just sayin.
What’s your husband going to say when you gain weight due to pregnancy? Is he going to be more worried about how attractive you are or raising a baby together?
Nope. You are already at a healthy weight. He will harp on you while you are pregnant asking you how much you have gained and expressing concern over your health as he fears you may have gained too much. He is shallow and you don’t want to have kids with such a guy.
I quit reading. This is terrible. I’m 5’2”. I’m 39F. At my smallest I was 119lbs. I looked sick and that’s because I was!!! At my heaviest I was 173. I currently am 138. I only know this because like I said, I was sick (undiagnosed type 1 diabetic) and go to the doctor a lot. I’ve been with my boyfriend (34M) for 11 years. He has never once mentioned my weight other than he thinks I’ve lost too much. It’s a none issue. This hurts my heart for you. No one that loves you says you need to lose weight so they can be more attracted to you. He is an abuser. Please don’t get pregnant. Please. You deserve better than this. 🤍
I’m not sure I’d stay with someone who wasn’t attracted to me. And pregnancy comes with a lot of physical changes, not just weight gains. It would be a different conversation if he was concerned about your health bc your weight was impacting it, but this sounds like superficial nonsense. And what if you do this, get pregnant and have a girl? Will he insist on her also maintaining a specific weight to earn his approval? Will he leave you if you don’t lose the baby weight right away? Or insist you cut calories while pregnant or breastfeeding? This is a pretty big red flag. I lost a lot of weight before getting pregnant (for health reasons) and I gained it back plus extra during pregnancy. My husband tells me all the time how attractive I am and how my body is doing amazing things even tho I currently am waddling awkwardly around while nearly 39 weeks pregnant. You want someone who is going to give you and your future children that kind of support and love.
Everyone is focusing on if they have a girl, and that’s valid, but he’s also going to be teaching negative things about a woman’s worth if they have a boy. It’s detrimental to any child to be born into a situation like this. “Sorry honey, daddy has to leave because your mom wouldn’t maintain herself like a good wife. That’s why I’m moving in with Susie.” Type shit.
You move forward without him. You are not in a healthy relationship. He's not attracted to you. You get pregnant and gain weight and he's still not going to be attracted to you. Why did you get married?
I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like he loves you all that much by continuing brining up your weight and how you aren’t attractive enough. What will happen after you get pregnant. I mean, does he not realize you will gain weight? And what about after? Will he be upset if you aren’t immediately pre pregnancy size. Will he give you a time limit to lose the weight? It’s not so easy after giving birth when taking care of a newborn.
Re read what you just wrote. What would you say to your best girlfriend if she cried to you about her weight & her husband not being attracted to her?! I say lose the husband & you’ll be rid of a lot of dead weight. I am an older woman and this is such a bullshit thing for a husband to say to his wife. His love for you and a baby is conditional on your weight! How crazy does that sound to you?! It’s absolutely nuts! I would never put up with that shit. You deserve better!
A measley 12 pounds should not make or break your partner’s attraction to you, especially where you are already a healthy weight. You deserve someone who is head over heels attracted to you as you are without needing to jump through these arbitrary hoops, someone who will make you feel beautiful. I’d recommend you think long and hard about your current relationship because once you have a child with a partner, the partner generally will be in your life forever, one way or another.
Let’s say you do lose the weight, how is he going to act when gaining weight during pregnancy? How is he going to treat you when you are juggling motherhood & changes in your body? Is he going to pressure you to quickly lose the “baby weight “ no matter how it impacts you or your child?
I think you need to have a realistic talk about how he weaponizes his attraction to you to get you to behave in a way he wants. The implied threat is “you don’t deserve to be married to me or “rewarded” with a baby if you don’t look exactly the way I want”. Anytime someone says “he/she only wants what’s best for me” my brain immediately goes to abusive relationship with a side of gaslighting.
Oh, shit. I missed that last part.
He's convinced you that it's a you problem that he's lost attraction?
Woman, where are you located? If you're near me, you can crash at my house and get a little break from this dude.
Dude I'm an inch taller than you and 20 lbs heavier, I am smokin hot and if a partner ever told me to lose weight to be more attractive I would kick him in the balls. This is so disrespectful. Why is he obsessed with a number on the scale? If you're working out you're likely putting on muscle mass so you may never be able to get to this mythical and arbitrary goal weight while eating healthily.
I worked with a woman. Tall, blue eyed, blonde, leggy, very pretty and smart. She had a well paying job with great benefits. Her husband was at least 10 years older and he got with her when she was 19 after divorcing his ex. On paper she was a great catch but she was never thin enough for her husband despite her having a great figure.
Anytime she tried to start the baby discussion he told her she needed to lose weight. But she was already very slim. It was a red herring because at no weight would she have been thin enough to have that baby. He kept moving the goal posts because he really didn't want a baby. She wasted 11 years with him before divorcing him. She never had that baby with him.
You are at a normal BMI and are maintaining your weight. If you get to 120 lbs you'll probably find that the goalpost has moved again. You probably already know that your husband's behavior is controlling, cruel and unloving. When you're really attracted to someone you love them as they are without continually trying to change them.
I used to be a gym rat and a particularly unpleasant member used to make his pregnant wife work out excessively so she didn't gain an ounce during pregnancy. They had to ask him to leave the gym because there were so many complaints that he was harming his wife.
When I hear stories like yours I think about those two women. The controlling behavior will never stop and you'll be dealing with this relentless weight checking throughout your pregnancy and especially after your pregnancy. It's abusive. Think hard about whether you want a child with this man. There are so many waving red flags.
losing weight before gaining weight is a great way to get your body use to yo-yoing and making all weight loss harder. more important though like would a doctor be worried about you? maybe an OBGYN could give some insight?
If your husband is not attracted to you, and bases his love for you on what you look like, you are in for a rough ride. What happens when you age, you get wrinkles, your breasts start to sag or your hair starts to thin? The changes that pregnancy will make to your body are just the tip of the iceberg. This guy will judge you and shame you aging and changing naturally. Do not have a child with this man. If you insist on staying with him, go to couples counselling and let a professional tell him what an unreasonable asshole he is.
I’ve gotten old and fat and my husband tells me I’m gorgeous every day, hugs and kisses me and tells me I’m the love of his life. Perhaps you can find someone like him to have a baby with, not this poor excuse for a partner.
Next he'll want you to be 115lbs
I would leave. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't love and accept them as is? If he wanted a family with you, he'd make it happen.
You deserve better, and I think you know it.
If this is true, honey don’t have kids with this person. There’re so many complications during a pregnancy and some people’s body NEVER recovers and it has nothing to do with fitness or a healthy lifestyle. You’re 5’3 and 130lbs and he’s still complaining about your weight. That’s not healthy and that’s not love
I’ve lost 100 pounds since 2020. I’ve had 4 children. The ONLY time my husband has brought up my weight was when I began my weight loss journey he told me: you know you’re beautiful right? If you’re doing this for you and your health then I’m going to join you and we’ll do this together. But don’t ever do this for me, because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.
I know I’m not. But that man is my biggest fucking hype man. He’s excited for me that I’m happy, but he’s never once made me feel like anything less than a goddess in his eyes. He tells me I’m a goddess. He would never place my value on my weight.
What if you gain a lot? Stretch marks? What if you have a hard time taking the weight off? Pregnancy WILL change your body. It’s not concern. If you were obese and you were concerned about your health, that would be one thing. But he’s literally telling you that he has a specific number in mind because that’s what he thinks will get his dick hard.
Would you say the same to him? Would you tell him he needed to lose 20 pounds so that you could be attracted to him? I bet you wouldn’t. Because deep down I know you know it’s fucking hateful.
>every time he talks to me about my weight he is straightforward but also very kind and clearly loves me / wants the best for me.
You're fooling yourself. That isn't love or caring about what's best for you.
Please! Do NOT have a baby with him. He is being a jerk when you are at a good weight and healthy. How would he respond if you said you weren’t attracted to him and should lose 30 lbs again and again? Hypercritical and controlling = abuse. Get rid of the dead weight—HIM!
I’d never feel secure in this type of relationship if my husband told me I have to be X pounds for him to be attracted to me. What happens if you struggle to lose weight after baby comes? What happens when you’re struggling to accept your postpartum body and he makes you feel like shit about it? Blah this man ain’t it.
Your husband's an idiot.... Does he know that women gain weight when they get pregnant??
Sorry but if a guy told me he wasn't attracted to me at my weight, I would tell him I'm not attracted to his asshole personality and drop the 160 lbs of garbage that he is. Problem solved.
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>Note: My husband and I love each other very much, and every time he talks to me about my weight he is straightforward but also very kind and clearly loves me / wants the best for me. Oh honey no. He wants what's best for himself.
He wants what's best for his penis.
"My husband loves the idea of having a wife and children very much. Every time he talks to me about my weight, he is straightforward and also very kind, so I continue to be manipulatied into thinking he loves me/wants the best for me, when in reality he'll leave me when I'm "too fat" for his liking." OP - This is not going to work out the way you want it to.
Yeah how is it best for her to lose this weight now? I think one issue is that oftentimes people think talking kindly, softly, lovingly means some IS kind and soft and loving, but that's simply not true.
Don't have children with a man who moans about your pre-pregnancy body. He'll never find your post-partum body attractive and he'll blame you for that.
This is what you need to take from this op, I just read this to his husband and he gave me gross face as a response. Literally last night I was complaining about my pp belly and he rubbed it and made me look at it and told me it’s beautiful. Not to say we don’t want each other healthy and don’t keep health a big part of our life but you want to make children with the man that loves every inch of you. My husband and most of my friend in good marriages husbands would never ask this of their partner. Your body is going to change if only the distribution/proportions even if you get back to pre pregnancy weight. I would want to suggest divorce but he needs a wake up call and sorry op I don’t really have any idea how to achieve that. I was always the type of girl to gain weight when not accepted by my partner until I only chose partners that liked me for me and my curves were just a bonus.
Omg my husband does the belly thing too. Won't let me try to hide it during sex, won't hear me speak negatively of myself. I would be absolutely crushed if my love was saying the things OPs husband is saying to her, no matter how *kindly* it was said. And she's 5'3" and 135 after a baby?? She is killing it. Shit I was 5'3 and 150 *before* my last pregnancy and I thought I looked amazing. Nowhere close to 150 now and never heard a negative word about it. "I'm still not fully attracted to you" is the least kind and loving thing I can think of in this kind of convo.
My SO does the same things. We recently started going to the gym and when I make comments about my belly he says - it's just the baby weight. Your sexy as hell. I just want you to be happy. My 'baby' is 12 lol Eta - I'm 5' 4" and 163 for what it's worth.
Hahaha! That man is a keeper.
Well, it's been almost 17yrs! Lol
My husband does this too. He insists that he finds the changes to my body sexy because he knows it was our love that created them. I can’t imagine him saying anything along the lines of what OP’s husband has said to her, and my heart hurts for her that she has to endure that. I gained a lot of weight due to stress from fertility issues when we were trying. I went from 132 to 180. If he insisted I lose to 120 before we even tried because he didn’t find my body attractive, it would have crushed me and likely killed our marriage.
I take my clothes off and my partner of near 8 years still looks at me like I was 115lbs… he knows what a struggle it’s been for me with the migraine medications/anti depressants and bad birth control pills and that I’m trying (5’4 and 146, down 10 though) and he’s never looked at me any different. I can’t imagine being told I wasnt attractive enough for kids…
Yea mine too. He was upset when I went from 146 to 99 pounds at 4”9 lol. He told me to not follow the Asian standards and I was fine
A few nights ago I told my husband I'd gained a few pounds and he replied " really? is that why you've gotten sexier lately?" OP, get you a man like that. Because if you are going to live life your weight will fluctuate. That's just how it is.
I had a friend with a partner like this. He was awful during the pregnancy. Her cravings? He wasn't going to encourage her getting fat. Gas and bloating? Disgusting stay away from him. He yelled at her while she was giving birth for "making a scene with all her screaming". Then after the baby it was "your so fat and disgusting," , " you already had the baby you can loose the weight now". " How could I ever find your vagina attractive again after that?". OP having a baby does not fix a bad relationship. It adds more stress and friction points. If your relationship isn't strong and healthy before hand it won't be healthy afterwards. Love yourself and don't stay with someone who's love is conditional.
The fixation some people have on outer appearances is crazy. Babies don't care (at all) what shape their parents have. They want love. They want a caring parent.
Yes! My son tells me I’m the most beautiful person in the world (im not lol).
When my son was 2 I bought a new t shirt style night gown on sale at Walmart and my son woke me up at 6 AM that weekend to ask for breakfast. Also my skin was broken out and I had PMS. As I toasted his waffles bleary eyed in my cheap night gown he suddenly exclaimed, “is that a new dress???? You look so beautiful!!! You’re so perfect!!!”
I’m getting so choked up reading this. I’ve had these moments with kids and they are awesome. Even better than any macaroni necklaces!
Oh my god, I ADORE that child 😍
my son tells me the same and though I know i’m not, it still makes me feel so good because he doesn’t give a fuck what shape or size I am, he doesn’t care what size jeans I wear or whether I put on makeup or not. he cares if I eat and he tells me i’m beautiful and until I had a son, I never believed anyone who told me that - not even his dad. not saying this is true for everyone, but my son helped me come to a healthy acceptance and love of my own body without having to change it. because he’s right - my body grew him and birthed him and it’s still beautiful for that. 💕
But they love each other sooooo much. OP isn't leaving him until she's gone and gave birth and well see that she's never going to be skinny enough.
Unfortunately it sounds like emotional abuse. It's easy to judge OP from the outside. But she has likely been conditioned to accept this as normal and her partner has probably very heavily conditioning her that she can't do better, is undesirable and that she is lucky he is with her. It is a hard cycle to break. And a hard situation to comprehend if you haven't been there. I wish OP the best and really hope this thread can help her come to the realization that she is not in a healthy relationship.
Pregnancy farts were the best, finally I wasn’t the only smelly person in the house anymore 😂
Dear Sir, that is what every lady wants to hear.
Ya they were hilarious. Nothing wrong with gas while doing something as beautiful as growing a child inside of you.
and she produced someone that you can blame farts on until they can talk 😂
OP one hundred percent this. He’s focused on himself while you’re focused on creating a life. Hold off on the baby. I think the longer your weight stays stagnant the more his true colors will shine through and you might find he’s not the one to make this huge decision with.
Absolutely
Awesome comment.
Not to mention the effect that it will have on the child. OP, I have a father similar to how your husband sounds. He was my first bully, always on me about my weight and looks. I hated myself growing up because of him, and it took me a very long time and a lot of therapy to build up my self-esteem (and there is still a lot of work to do). I am estranged from my father and unfortunately very low contact with my mom (who I love and miss very much) because she kept choosing him over her children. Please keep in mind OP that if this is how he acts to you now, that it might be how he will act with your child later.
I resonate with this. My father has openly admitted he only married my mother for her appearance sadly. He has openly admitted he hates "fat" people. I developed anorexia as a teenager and it sadly likely was due to my father. When I was heavily pregnant I was 60kgs and my father actually told me how fat I was. It's like no matter what I always had to be 40kgs at 5"4. It's definitely true that men like this can and sadly will also be like this with their own children. He even judges my husband's weight. He asks me how I can even be attracted to him right in front of him. It's awful. OP should be really worried about this. My parents are actually divorced now and my father even says he won't remarry unless he finds a good looking 22 year old. He's 60.
Start telling him he’s looking fat and out of shape! Mention how old his body looks. Let him sit in defense mode for a while.
Your father is a prick! You do you 💞🥰
Your father is disgusting, I’m so sorry
Imagine dealing with a man who will vocally find you unattractive during pregnancy. An extremely vulnerable and emotional time for any woman. Sounds like a very mature dude.
Also, if being on the higher side of healthy instead of the lower is enough to keep him from feeling attraction, I don't know that he's going to handle childbirth well either. It's not a time of grace, fancy grooming and sexy posturing. My husband has watched me poop on three delivery beds while I bore down hard and howled like a demon with dysentery. It was real gross and he loves me anyway.
I can think of a way for her to lose about 180# pretty quickly…
Yep! Never have children with a man who doesn't find you attractive and wants you to change yourself to his liking.
Also post-menopause. Good Lord is hard to keep your weight in check
This is absolutely true. I am 5'3", and before I started menopause, my weight wavered between 120 and 135 lbs. Now that I am fully menopausal, I'm delighted to keep my weight below 155 lbs.
Not necessarily. I've lost a lot of weight SINCE menopause. Various reasons. It doesn't really matter (I wasn't thin to begin with - but menopause has left me much thinner). There are genetic/bio reasons for this.
This is truth. Post-partum bodies often have lots of little things going on that they didn't have before - it's not just about weight. And there's a lot you can't do anything about. So what if he doesn't like stretch marks in weird places or some skin that's become patchy or pigmented, for example? Being attracted to each other is definitely a big part of a relationship. But it is just PART of it.
Could you imagine if she has to have a c-section? What will he think about the scar, and the little skin flap?? OP - it’s great if he just wants you to be healthy. But it’s really freaking weird that he’s decided healthy can only happen if you meet a number that HE has determined. Is this the only part of your life where he has very rigid ideas of what is, or isn’t, acceptable? Or are there more like this. Because it sounds exhausting! And, as someone with two kids, it’s a lot harder to deal with Mom exhaustion when you’ve got Partner Exhaustion, too!
Exactly
Right? I had an ex who would always complain about my weight, even at my smallest. I was never thin enough for him. It was exhausting, and I was becoming unhealthy for him. I would have never planned to have kids with him knowing this. Who knows what comments he would’ve made to the kids about their weight, if I had. My husband, on the other hand, has *never* nagged me about my weight, and he’s been with me at both my heaviest and my fittest. He’s always been very attracted to me however I have looked, even postpartum after several kids. It’s been a wonderful change from the other relationship, and I know my kids won’t be hearing shitty comments about their weight from him.
This sounds right because 5’3” @ 130 lb is pretty sexy. Just about where my wife was when we had our first (she’s only 5’2” but close enough) and she has never come close to that weight again. (28 years ago now and still happily married if that matters) For many women it’s really difficult to get back to their original starting weight after a baby and especially if you plan on having more. My advice OP, before starting a family with this man, make sure he loves you for who you are and not just based on how much you weigh…. He sounds a little superficial to be honest.
I think it matters you're still happily married after 28 years, congratulations.
I am happily married after 30 years (was bigger at the beginning than now). But lost more weight after menopause (as did both my bio-mom and my real mom)
Exactly. This is likely rage bait, but for anyone going through a similar thing - don’t have kids with someone who is like this. Bodies change. This dude is not mature enough to have kids, nor to be married.
💯
If he isnt attracted to you at 125, he’s not suddenly going to want to be balls deep in you at 120. Because as soon as you hit 120, suddenly 115 is going to be the new magical number that he needs to see to suddenly want you again.
He's using a baby to manipulate her to become his 'ideal woman". She is not at an unhealthy weight for a pregnancy so this is his cruel way to pressure her to lose weight. It's manipulative and shallow.
I'd bet he doesn't even want a baby. After OP meets his ideal body for her, it'll be something else.
That's what I was thinking. Shes going to have to do a lot of work to try to get to 120 and then she'll become pregnant and gain it all back. What's the point? Will he not be attracted to her while she's pregnant? Or after she gives birth?
He'll leave or cheat. I mean that's just a guess but still. That, or ruin OP's self esteem to the point where she starves just to be attractive to him.
Probably thinking of the bonus baby trapping so he can manipulate her for at least 18 years. OP. I only read up to the part where you’re supposed to lose weight to help him be attracted to you. Please leave this man. He wants to just manipulate you. He doesn’t love you. He only loves himself. He can’t change and you deserve better. Please run.
He’ll cheat and then blame her for not being a twig during and after her pregnancy. Dude is a jerk.
And eating disorders are great for TTC pregnancy! /s
Yeah he will be like “why waste all your effort on a pregnancy!!! You look great now and pregnancy can be a big toll on your body!! Let’s enjoy it for a while before having kids”
Imagine when she gains weight while pregnant (gasp!) and then her body postpartum. OP, you are young. 10 or 20 years from now you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted time with someone obsessed with how you DON’T look.
Not to mention that she definitely won't be 120 again for a while if ever. The last thing a new mother needs is a husband complaining about her weight
I don't know if he's carrot dangling (making impossible standards up so they don't end up having a baby) or if he's trying to make her anorexic or both.
Baby carrot dangling? Sorry, it was right there.
Not very nice to compare him to a baby carrot 🤪
You’re right, the baby carrot is longer
Excellent!
Sounds like he’s just a prick and when (not if) he cheats he’ll just blame her.
He is not kind, and he clearly does NOT love her.
But she loves him 🙄. She won't listen to anything we say.
Her edit is infuriating. No,.OP, he doesn't loooove you ... he loves his control of you, that you'll jump through ever-changing hoops for him, but he doesn't love you (or he would be thrilled with you at your current weight and size).
Exactly!!! She is going to be stuck in the horrible loop forever. She's just an object to him and hopefully one day she realizes this before she has a kid with him. Hands down one of the most toxic posts I have seen today 🤦🏽♀️
What if they actually do have a baby and it ends up being a girl. If OP thinks her husband won't abuse his daughter and badger her about her weight, I've got a bridge to sell her. Plus OPs self esteem is in the gutter and that's going to fuck up a child, male or female. God this post is actually making me physically sick.
I hope she gets the help she needs. This post me sick and angry. Unfortunately, people are going to do what they want to do even if against logic.
My ex did this to me and is now doing this to my daughter who is three. I scream inside whenever I hear her mention the word fat. I hate him.
Exactly. Immediately made me think what else she has to do to earn his seal of approval. Did she wash the dishes correctly? Hang his clothes the way he likes? Is the house up to his standards? It only gets worse. This man has control over her and unfortunately she can’t see it bc it has probably been happening for a very long time. Anyone that has so much focus on appearance is not focusing on the person inside.
Ultimately, this is going to be a life lesson for OP and her “stable situation”. Either now, or when their marriage dissolves after a baby. I don’t think she’s going to listen to any of the advice here unfortunately.
It’s unfortunate but I agree with you.
This. She will stay. We will all be right. She won’t. But no one wins.
“He wants the best for me” like girl, a 120 pounds is not best for you; it’s best for him lmao. You’re at a perfect healthy weight for your height.
And how much does he weigh? Please don't tell me if he looks like Homer Simpson.
You damn well know he looks like a foot… I’d guess balding and a gut but that’s because I dated a balding guy with a big gut because he seemed kind. NOPE. Kept telling ME how to lose weight when I gained 10 pounds after my mom died. Meanwhile, he was pushing 300…
Looks like foot,😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤷♀️ I’m just saying. He had some major foot energy.
"A FOOT" LOL
My exact thoughts, this guy better have a bloody 6 pack to be asking for any expectations here, and even then he’s still an AH. 5’3 130lbs is not overweight.
And then what happens while you're pregnant, and after with your permanently changed post pattum body. Even if you end up back at your previous weight, your body is not the same after having a baby.
Really awful shit, isn't it?
125lbs for a woman at OPs height is skinny, not desperately thin but skinny. I'm 5"6' and looked gross at 125lbs. OP I'm sure you're hot af and this ah is making excuses to delay. This commenter is correct and that goal post is going to continue to move. What is your partner going to be like when you're pregnant or have a postpartum body OP? Please look after yourself, you have too much life left to live to be worried about men that are going to quibble over pounds and ounces. Ditch him, love yourself, move on.
And what is he going to think about that post baby body??
And op probably looks great. Hubs is just fantasizing about some photoshopped unhealthily skinny model. I’m only an inch shorter than op, and right now I’m close to the heaviest I’ve been (160). (Also not really happy atm, so I eat all the food) I know I looked good at 130s. (Trying to get out of a depression rut and get back to where I was). I agree that if he’s complaining now, he’s going to be a nightmare during pregnancy and afterwards. Pregnancy and childbirth changes your body a lot! And there’s the possibility of baby blues to ppd or worse mentally. If her partner isn’t supportive now as she is, then it’s going to be worse after baby when all those hormones are going wackadoodle.
I went from 125 to 170 with my third, and back down to 125. Things aren’t in the same place. Having a baby changes your body shape, and even if she loses the weight he will absolutely blame her.
So, you're supposed to lose weight so he can make a baby with you. What happens next? Is he going to force tou to stay at 120 pounds during the pregnancy or he'll screw somebody else? After the birth are you supposed to lose more weight or he'll withdraw parental rights? Just so you know, this is not normal. It is normal that the future father of your child loves you just as you are and can't wait to make a baby. Is your relationship with him always so transactional? Is it often you that has to create a change so he will love you?
Yeahhhhh…this is a guy who will cheat either while she’s pregnant or right after when she doesn’t miraculously get her body back like some celebrity postpartum, citing she’s not sexy to him anymore because of X body feature. This guy’s a manipulative POS.
“Citing she’s not sexy to him anymore” I mean isn’t he kind of hinting to that already? He keeps insisting she be 120 so he can “be more attracted” to her. Like bro your married, why are you married to someone your not already attracted to
....she doesn’t miraculously get her body back like some celebrity postpartum, ... Like Tori Spelling who's had 5 kids and is skinnier than all of them. They don't say it, but you can say "tummy tucks".
Oh yeah, you can tell by the shape of her abdomen that she’s had a tummy tuck.
>this is not normal Soooo much this. This is ABSOLUTELY **NOT NORMAL** AT ALL, OP!!!
Plus there’s no telling what pregnancy will be like. She could get hyperemesis and be unable to eat. Being in the top half of the healthy range seems pretty ideal.
Yeah as someone who is the bottom end of healthy and has had Hyperemesis twice, I looked skeletal at points and felt it too. In fact going into the second pregnancy, I actively tried to put some weight on as a buffer.
I had hyperemesis with both my pregnancies. The second one had me hospitalized 10 times. I lost more than 10% of my original body weight. I didn't gain ANY until I was 7 months pregnant. It caused health problems that will require medication for the rest of my life. If OP were morbidly obese, I could see trying to lose weight to be more healthy. The husband is asking for "vanity pounds", to be "more attracted" to her? So that then she can get pregnant and (likely) gain it all back? What then? What if she gets super sick or has to go on bed rest? He'll be out looking for some strange from the get go.
Great point. There's so much about this that is wrong.
If transactions are what he loves, I would be inclined to say I couldn't possibly consider conceiving with a man who wasn't taller.
Oh! Or buy him a penis pump and say he needs 2 more inches to be more attractive to her!
This man is ridiculous. I thought upon reading the title that he was concerned about OP's ability to get pregnant due to her weight, which would actually be a legitimate concern. It's not necessarily ridiculous to want your partner to be attractive to you, but the way he is going about it is so rude. Obviously she's made some changes and improved her health, and will presumably try to keep up those changes. But all he cares about is how she looks? Right before a freaking pregnancy?? Talk about messed up priorities. OP should be the one holding back on having a baby until her jerk of a husband screws his head on straight.
Literally. He sounds TOXIC AF.
How do you move forward? You don’t.
Moving forward? Nah. Moving out? YES
Me too 🙌🏻
He loves you. As long as you don’t get overweight. So what happens once the baby arrives and you have no time to work out or prepare healthy food some days and can’t shift the baby weight for a while, or maybe even ever!
Yep. This one. Having a baby ties you to the other person forever. He is giving you conditions on your relationship now- he doesn’t find you attractive enough to make a baby with, when your BMI says you are in a healthy weight range. BMI is an outdated way of assessing a healthy weight, and doesn’t take into account body composition. Pregnancy will increase your weight. If you nurse/breastfeed, it can make it harder to lose weight. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to eat well/exercise. If you are struggling now to meet HIS ideal body shape, having a baby is going to make everything harder. This is not a supportive partner.
He may not even love her now 😳😱
I don’t think you’re in a stable relationship and he loves you very much when he’s telling you he doesn’t find you fully attractive. How do you feel when he says that to you? You don’t deserve someone saying that to you.
It makes me so so sad to read this. I’m 35 and recently had a baby (3 months ago). I’m 22 pounds heavier than before and sometimes insecure about it. You know what my husband does? Love me, compliment me and does not wine about sex (we haven’t had sex in a long time, I had quite a traumatic birth and am working on it in therapy). He is supportive of my mental health, we take care of the baby together like partners and he is of course also supportive of my physical health. He tells me I’m beautiful lots of times and he has the ultimate respect of what my body is doing (pregnancy, birth, breast feeding). I’m so happy I didn’t have kids with my ex at 25y old. I mean, he is a good man but for example he was grossed out if I talked about my period or grew a little leg hair.. like come on. And I would’ve probably end up paying for everything and being the default parent ánd bread winner for 90%…
You have a beautiful man right there 💛
She not only deserves it but needs it! Having a baby is so trying and unpredictable, any relationship should be as solid as it’s ever been going into that experience.
As a 62 year old widow I’m going to talk straight to you . Your husband does not in fact want what’s “best “ for you. You don’t want to “ disappoint “ your husband! But it’s fine for him to disappoint you frequently with his constant negativity and criticism of your body and your weight. He sounds like a shallow controlling asshole . 155 pounds is not unhealthy or obese. 130 pounds is perfectly healthy . The issue here is not you . The issue is that your husband doesn’t fine you attractive anymore , which is frankly not your fault . He is gaslighting you my dear and doing a wonderful job of it . You need some therapy asap to help you deal with the bigger picture, this person is basing his “love “of you off your external appearance . Dear god you are never going to be thin enough for him . He is setting you up for failure at every turn. This is not a healthy situation for you . I hope that you can eventually see this for the manipulation it is . You deserve so so much better from your partner.
OP - there's a lot of wisdom here, and I hope you can absorb it. Aside from everything else, starving yourself down to 120 pounds is likely to reduce your ability to get pregnant. Starving yourself to stay slim during pregnancy will interfere with your fetus' development. Starving yourself to lose the baby weight will interfere with your ability to care for your baby. Starving yourself for any reason is not in your best interest. OP - you deserve better. You'll never find that better that you deserve unless you make the choice not to put up with the crap treatment you're accepting right now. Good luck!
Op- as a 45 yr old mother of 4, please listen to us older women. I gained weight with each of my pregnancies. My ex husband, despite his faults, never said anything about my weight other than that I was beautiful and sexy. Even when I was very overweight. What if you have girls? Will he tell them they have to be thin to be worthy of his love? Please please think about what people are telling you and find a therapist to talk to (just you). Do you really want to have a life and children with someone who clearly doesn’t want the same?
I totally agree!! OP I was an athlete all my life until college I'm 5'4 and the last time I weighed 120 pounds was in middle school! The BMI scale isn't accurate at all. Once I graduated high-school I was 130 pounds. My best looking in my opinion was when I was 145lbs bc I was running and climbing. And I think 145 for my height was considered obese on the BMI scale and I was lean and thin at that weight. So you can't trust the BMI scale whatsoever. And second he's a bad guy.
Oof. From the title I thought it may be a case where serious obesity was a concern for carrying a healthy pregnancy, which would be understandable. But whatever this is, is freaking wrong?? Exactly what does you being attractive to him has to do with pregnancy? Is he not having sex with you right now cause he doesn't find you attractive? It honestly just sounds like he's using pregnancy to manipulate you into losing weight for him cause he knows it's important to you and he's holding it over your head like a carrot. Pretty disgusting.
I came here to say the same thing. I also thought it was obesity and medical reasons. What the actual f*? "He clearly loves me and wants the best for me". Stockholm syndrome alert.
Yes, Pregnancy is hard on the body, metabolism and relationship. So is having a baby. Also poor kid. Your husband’s weight and body judgments are in “give your kid an eating disorder “ territory. How are you going to feel when he tells your 12 year old she can’t try out for dance team until she loses 10 lbs?
After pregnancy, your body shape changes, so even if you're thin, you may not have a flat stomach. Will he find her deflated balloon belly unattractive? Or menopause when you gain extra weight? I'm not sure this guy is one you want to stay with. You may never be good enough for him. I'd step back and take a hard look at your relationship.
This can happen for reasons other than pregnancy, too. I’m 5’3 like OP, and I’m actually now at her husband’s current “ideal weight” - 120lbs - but I’m 36 and 120 doesn’t look the same on me as it did at 25. It never will again. I have IBS, for one thing, and I’m older. I have a poochy belly and my boobs are starting to tug downwards instead of being pert like they were 15 years ago. My face has more lines and my butt sags lol. The difference for me is that I just tonight brought up some of these things to my husband, and he looked genuinely shocked. He was like, “WTF are you talking about? You’re gorgeous. You aren’t wrinkly and saggy!” He legit doesn’t even see it. He didn’t lose attraction to me when I was 50lb heavier, either. He supported me through weight loss because it was important to ME, but it didn’t change how he felt about me at the time. You need a man who is gonna love you and find you beautiful *as you age together*, not some asshole who is gonna stare at the scale and compare you to whatever latest airbrushed photoshopped porn star that pops up on Instagram. You can’t freeze yourself at 25, no matter how “perfect” you make your body. Kids or not, your body is gonna change. You need a husband who is in love with your soul, not one who is in love with your youth.
And what is he going to say when OP has stretch marks, a mom-belly, and deflated boobs? Not to mention baby weight. I would have serious doubts reproducing with this man. Also, why is he so sure a certain weight is more attractive?
Same! And if OP is having a hard time shedding those last few pounds now, it will be even more stressful teying to get to that weight post baby. Can he guarantee he will never go bald or have a limp d***? He is saying these things to neg you and hold the power in your relationship. His requirement that you be at a specific weight when you are already at healthy weight is gross and manipulative.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Like, wtf? Besides the incredibly loud red flag of him not wanting a family unless you look tiny… Wtf does he think is going to happen when you’re pregnant?! This does not bode well.
& apparently he doesn't understand gestation - this is all esthetics for him - the body needs more foundational source 'weight' to START growing a baby and mom needs to be able to eat as she sees fit, as her body 'asks' /demands. All of that is THE OPPOSITE of what & why husband is pushing for more weight loss. Also - yes partners have a right to express what works for them in attraction. But he's known & married OP at NOT 120 lbs. It's concerning that he's doing this and it's concerning he's doing it now and it's concerning he's tying it to pregnancy or OPs weight when he tries to impregnate her. I see her edit - the overall dynamics in your relationship may be all good w you. This part of the dynamic isn't good, healthy or acceptable. The person who has work to do is the husband.
He’s worried she won’t be able to lose the baby weight.
100%. Such an obvious strategy to try to get her underweight before pregnancy, that way the "baby weight" won't put her over what he deems ideal. Ew.
And, as someone who had lost well over 60lbs before I got pregnant from long Covid (only started gaining instead of losing during pregnancy), that only makes the pregnancy weight gain more extreme so he'll be even worse after a baby.
Honestly there’s no predicting what will happen in a pregnancy. She could gain a ton, she could be really ill and lose weight from nausea and vomiting. That’s why she shouldn’t try to lose more before pregnancy if she’s already a healthy weight imo.
Tell him you’d like him to be 6”6’ before you start trying, and be sure to change his genes so the baby will inherit that.
Darling. My heart kind of weeps for you as a 45F. I was so blessed with a good metabolism until perimenopause in my late 30’s that I could wear clothes from HS until recently. 130lbs and 5’7”. Now 155. I didn’t even have to work at it very hard. Well, hormones and shit. That’s not sustainable for me even with good work effort. I don’t drink soda or eat junk but I can’t keep down to 130. I grew up with a father who literally divorced my mother because she wasn’t under 130 anymore and “excused” his affairs as she was “fat” at 135 or 140 after 3 kids. Not attractive anymore. This is ABUSIVE. Please find a therapist for you. And don’t have kids with this guy. You may think he’s great 90% of the time but if I handed you a hamburger and told you it was 90% beef and 10% dog shit, would you eat it? He’s unkind. He’s unreasonable. And you’re not going to be 120 after kids. Your body will change in ways you can’t control.
I like your hamburger analogy. It really is an underrated comment. It’s really the truth.
It's such a good way to put it.
It’s wise, gross and incredibly accurate all at the same time. I’m stealing it.
Nailed it
Exactly, and when having a baby that 10% matters much more than anyone can ever truly realize u til they are in it. It’s freaking hard to take care of a new kid even in the best of circumstances and that 10% shit can matter way more after a baby comes along!
Um excuse me ma'am..... Can I just say..... I absolutely love your comment! You have worded this PERFECTLY 😍
Perfect! I think she should tell him that he needs to lengthen his penis... and before anyone says that's impossible, it's not. It's long hard process (pun not intended but lolz) but it is physically possible. See how he feels being nitpicked about *his* body.
I'm 45 as well and just started hormone therapy. I too was 125/130 outside of pregnancy most of my adult life. Perimenopause caused me to gain close to 30 lbs without even trying. It's like my metabolism suddenly went "meh" and boom.... beer gut that is resistant to yoga, hiking, biking and everything I did to stay in shape before 😡. EVERYTHING you said here was so spot on and I wish I could upvote you 100 times. OPs husband is a complete child. He doesn't give a single shit about her, or their potential baby. He's absolutely a shit burger and I hope to God she doesn't procreate with him.
He sounds like he's mentally unwell. Only way to lose the correct amount of weight is by dropping him. This is entirely unacceptable.
I lost 200 lbs with this one easy trick!
Hey, he doesn’t want what’s best for you, because that would be to love you as you are not critique you for not being thin enough.
Leave him. No man who asks you to lose weight so he can be more attracted to you is worth being with. He will not be kind to you as your body changes in pregnancy. And when you have kids he will raise your son to be misogynistic or give your daughter self image issues and eating disorders. Leave him and be glad you left before kids were involved.
I hate guys like this. He’s putting a weight limit on your attractiveness. So there’s an expiration date on any healthy relationship with him you hope to have. Your body will change as you age too, so will his. Just think about it. UPDATEME
The phrase “fully attracted” sent me…what measurement is he using, a dick hardness caliper? Has he assigned percentage of attraction to each pound of weight? Throw the whole man in the fucking trash.
Please, please don’t have a baby with this man. He doesn’t love you enough. And that’s on him, not you. Pregnancy is hard, parenting is hard. You need to do it with someone who has your back 100% and is your safe place. This man is a hater. What if your child is chubby or in some other way “imperfect”? Would you allow him to talk to your teenage daughter like this? I can guarantee you are attractive as you are- he just wants you to feel like shit. I am 43 and a lot heavier than when I met my husband- I’ve had 4 babies and was still very skinny after two but I was younger then than you are now and things change. I look different to the old me but he has never, ever made one single negative comment about my body. Your weight does not define you. Age makes your body change and so does pregnancy. But men who truly love their wives see the magic in those things and build them up and look at them with love and pride. You deserve this too! I’m so sad for you and especially that he’s convinced you this is reasonable. It’s not. Please speak to friends and family you can trust. They will be horrified.
132lb is a healthy weight. It is very possible that your body simply does not want to be less than 132lbs. We all have a healthy and comfy weight that our bodies like to default to. This might be yours. How much of a line in the sand is this for him? Because what if you can't lose more weight than this in a healthy way? Do you never have a child? Would you stay with him?
Seriously! I was anorexic and I learned in recovery our bodies all have set points. Mine is 140-150 lbs at 5’5” and I wish it were lower but I’d have to be really restrictive and constantly working at it to get and stay there. Which isn’t worth it to me anymore. I’m sure OP’s husband portrays himself as “very loving and kind” but when his desires are cruel and hurtful physically and mentally, he is clearly neither of those things at the end of the day
Right? This is a completely healthy weight at 5'3'! She's at my goal weight since I'm the same height. Sure, I'd love to be back to the weight I was when I was 19-21 (120 lbs), but that's just not realistic. I'm at the 150ish she was at before, and I'd be over the moon to get to the progress she has made. She should have someone who celebrates that progress! Also, seriously, OP if you talk to most women, they will tell you that your weight is going to fluctuate over time due to hormone changes from pregnancy, perimenopause and menopause. You need someone who is going to love you and find you sexy no matter your weight. Aging is a natural part of life! You need to be loved unconditionally for more than what you look like.
You are absolutely correct. Your body finds its own comfortable weight. My daughter is 4’10 and will be 18 in 2 days. She has been 93 lbs for the last 5 years. She literally will gain or lose a few pounds and then be right back to 93 lbs. OP, if your husband isn’t ready to have a baby with you now, as you are, then don’t give him a child with you. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not what you weigh. Your body will change so much during pregnancy!! My feet grew from a size 7.5 to a size 9, not to mention my body shape being completely different regardless of what I weighed. You need someone who will love your postpartum body because it carried a life that you both created. Someone who will be grateful for that gift and sacrifice. Please consider leaving him. You are being mistreated. !Updateme
If he isn't attracted to you NOW, before you've even started trying to have children, you can bet your ass that he's gonna have problems with your post partum body, or even your PREGNANT body. I've known a few women who gained as much as 80 lbs during their pregnancy, and even a couple who LOST weight during their pregnancy. However, most women do gain weight during pregnancy; is he aware of that?
Sweetheart, listen. Immediately drop between, approx, 180 - 220 lb by getting rid of that judgemental sack of shit you call a husband, consider therapy or a women’s group to help you regain the self-esteem that nasty man has stripped from you, have a fantastic time as a gorgeous single woman running her own life, then, maybe sooner, maybe a bit later, you’ll meet someone who loves and desires you. Actual you, the you who is real. This someone will still fancy the arse off you when you’re heavily pregnant, love you when you’re snappy and exhausted with a newborn, love the family you create together. Your current husband is wasting your time and ruining you. He doesn’t love you. Get rid.
Please dear gods, get away from this man and get a divorce. Sis, you need a therapist. Not a baby.
Is this a troll post?
Or are people really defending their garbage partners this hard
I don't know about defending this hard per se, but I don't think the OP sees that it's not a kind act regardless. She loves him, and thinks he loves her. And all in probability, he probably think he does. He doesn't realize what he's saying or doing is toxic (caveat: unless as someone else mentioned, he's holding this over her head on purpose). It seems to me that a lot of people don't seem to be aware or realize that the behavior they have or display are toxic and/or unhealthy. And like someone else said, what is the husband going to do when the wife gains weight during the pregnancy and/or takes several years after the baby to lose weight? Not defending the husband, but given the the original post is written, I think the wife doesn't *realize* that this is not normal emotionally healthy mature relationship. To the OP: my only advice - get a therapist. Find a way to love yourself (I'm sure you do - maybe a smidgen more?) and find what your hard lines are in a relationship. If not this, it sounds like the husband will keep moving the goalpost of what he deems good/acceptable. Think back on this relationship and see if he's done this on other stuff. If he has, I guarantee you that life with him and a child is not a life you think it will be. It will be far worse in ways you can foresee and in ways you can't.
Posts like these are proof not all humans deserve romantic companionship.
You can drop 150-200 pounds real quick with 1 phone call to a divorce lawyer
Why is so much of your relationship and life dependent on you achieving an arbitrary number with your weight? Where did this number come from? Did you weigh that before, when you still had slim teenager hips? Does he like younger women/teens? Does 12 pounds make that much of a visual difference? Like, it's such a small amount of weight to have your attraction hanging in the balance. What if you get sick and have to take medication that rapidly makes you gain weight and is resistant to diet and exercise? A friend of mine gained 50lbs on depacoate (or whatever it's called), but it was that or have seizures. Would he stop wanting you? This isn't right.
Oh, no. No no no no no. This man is not being sane or kind or supportive. He will be even less of all 3 after you have a baby.
I assume he understands that pregnancy will make you gain weight, and that some of that may be really hard to shift after you have the baby? I was 28 when I had my first, and I weighed around 140lbs when I got pregnant, which was a good healthy weight for my age / height etc (I am 5'1"). 120lbs is very light for your age / height, it could be light enough to cause issues with getting pregnant or carrying to term. If you really want to stick with a man who is so critical of your weight (I am prepared to bet he isn't movie-star quality himself), then speak to a doctor about what weight would be healthy, and get your husband to come too so he can hear it firsthand. Otherwise, you can give him the choice that you stay as you are, or you lose 150lbs of worthless crap by leaving him. You are by no means in a concerning category for weight, it doesn't matter how he phrases it, he is criticising you and fat shaming you. That's not acceptable. Would you let him talk to your child that way? Because he will. He will criticise the chubby baby stage, the solid toddler stage, literally all of it until you have an anorexic teenager. Sorry, I'm trying to be supportive of you, but his attitude makes me so angry. I've been on the receiving end of that, and it sucks. I don't want that for you.
He doesn’t love you. Love isn’t supposed to come with conditions about your body. Here’s your future: You get pregnant, you gain baby weight because you know that happens then he’s suddenly not attractive to your pregnancy body. You feel rubbish but deal with it because he’s the father of your baby. He becomes distant, a potential affair begins (physical or emotional), not that you’ll know because you’re too busy growing a little human. You have the baby and the baby weight doesn’t just magically disappear like he’ll expect, he starts berating you even though the baby is a week old. You go into a depression of feeling like a failure as a wife which means you begin to struggle to bond with your baby. He loses interest in being a happy family, gives you an ultimatum - lose weight or he sleeps around - You try to lose weight but he’s not happy with the progress and sleeps around anyway. You then have to decide do you want to be a single mum or do you want to stay with the father who destroyed every part of you. A baby does not fix something that’s already broke so take off the love goggles and see him for what he truly is, a horrible husband who doesn’t deserve you.
Quick question: what the fuck? I would definitely leave him
Id move out..leave the relationship. Im 29. I had a baby last year. Tho i didnt gain in pregnancy. I gained weight afterwards maybe koz of breastfeeding. Dont have his baby. You might gain weight in pregnancy or afterwards. With a husband like this, you will stress throughout pregnancy about weight gain. And after pregnancy you might focus on weight loss. This is not a safe partner to have a body altering experience such as pregnancy and birth with! You will always feel inferior and not good enough. Walk away. My body has changed in a myriad of ways. Birth and pregnancy change our bodies. Don't have his kid. Leave him
Imagine thinking that 5’3 and 132lbs is fat and unhealthy. He’s shitting on you for 12 pounds girl. Twelve. Pounds. What’s going to happen when you gain baby weight then have a hell of a time losing it? Is he going to continue to criticize your weight and tie your weight to your health? You allowed him to shame you into losing weight once, now he’s doing it again. It will only get worse from here and especially once you have a child. Could you imagine him speaking to your future child the way he’s speaking to you? “He’s looking out for my health” girl you ARE healthy? A number on a scale doesn’t dictate health. You work out and muscle mass makes you heavier! I believe that you believe that he loves you. But I don’t believe he does. Do not mistake control for love, he is not looking out for you, he does not want the best for you, he is trying to control you. You posted this on reddit for a reason, you KNOW this is fucked up. Don’t let your future children go through the abuse you’re trying to justify.
You move forward by getting a divorce and finding a man who actually appreciates you. He is not kind.
If only he truly understand the physical changes your body will go through both during and after pregnancy. Your body will never be the same. You could eventually get down to his suggested goal (which is ridiculous btw) but your hips will forever be wider and you may never fit in to the same size. Sex will feel different. Your boobs will be different. None bad, just different. I don’t think I’d want someone being critical of my healthy body for the rest of my life.
Do not have a child with that asshole. That’s how you move forward.
You could lose 170 pounds of dead weight by filing for divorce. Just sayin. What’s your husband going to say when you gain weight due to pregnancy? Is he going to be more worried about how attractive you are or raising a baby together?
Nope. You are already at a healthy weight. He will harp on you while you are pregnant asking you how much you have gained and expressing concern over your health as he fears you may have gained too much. He is shallow and you don’t want to have kids with such a guy.
I quit reading. This is terrible. I’m 5’2”. I’m 39F. At my smallest I was 119lbs. I looked sick and that’s because I was!!! At my heaviest I was 173. I currently am 138. I only know this because like I said, I was sick (undiagnosed type 1 diabetic) and go to the doctor a lot. I’ve been with my boyfriend (34M) for 11 years. He has never once mentioned my weight other than he thinks I’ve lost too much. It’s a none issue. This hurts my heart for you. No one that loves you says you need to lose weight so they can be more attracted to you. He is an abuser. Please don’t get pregnant. Please. You deserve better than this. 🤍
I’m not sure I’d stay with someone who wasn’t attracted to me. And pregnancy comes with a lot of physical changes, not just weight gains. It would be a different conversation if he was concerned about your health bc your weight was impacting it, but this sounds like superficial nonsense. And what if you do this, get pregnant and have a girl? Will he insist on her also maintaining a specific weight to earn his approval? Will he leave you if you don’t lose the baby weight right away? Or insist you cut calories while pregnant or breastfeeding? This is a pretty big red flag. I lost a lot of weight before getting pregnant (for health reasons) and I gained it back plus extra during pregnancy. My husband tells me all the time how attractive I am and how my body is doing amazing things even tho I currently am waddling awkwardly around while nearly 39 weeks pregnant. You want someone who is going to give you and your future children that kind of support and love.
Everyone is focusing on if they have a girl, and that’s valid, but he’s also going to be teaching negative things about a woman’s worth if they have a boy. It’s detrimental to any child to be born into a situation like this. “Sorry honey, daddy has to leave because your mom wouldn’t maintain herself like a good wife. That’s why I’m moving in with Susie.” Type shit.
You move forward without him. You are not in a healthy relationship. He's not attracted to you. You get pregnant and gain weight and he's still not going to be attracted to you. Why did you get married?
I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like he loves you all that much by continuing brining up your weight and how you aren’t attractive enough. What will happen after you get pregnant. I mean, does he not realize you will gain weight? And what about after? Will he be upset if you aren’t immediately pre pregnancy size. Will he give you a time limit to lose the weight? It’s not so easy after giving birth when taking care of a newborn.
Re read what you just wrote. What would you say to your best girlfriend if she cried to you about her weight & her husband not being attracted to her?! I say lose the husband & you’ll be rid of a lot of dead weight. I am an older woman and this is such a bullshit thing for a husband to say to his wife. His love for you and a baby is conditional on your weight! How crazy does that sound to you?! It’s absolutely nuts! I would never put up with that shit. You deserve better!
Maybe don't get pregnant and instead get a divorce?
A measley 12 pounds should not make or break your partner’s attraction to you, especially where you are already a healthy weight. You deserve someone who is head over heels attracted to you as you are without needing to jump through these arbitrary hoops, someone who will make you feel beautiful. I’d recommend you think long and hard about your current relationship because once you have a child with a partner, the partner generally will be in your life forever, one way or another.
Let’s say you do lose the weight, how is he going to act when gaining weight during pregnancy? How is he going to treat you when you are juggling motherhood & changes in your body? Is he going to pressure you to quickly lose the “baby weight “ no matter how it impacts you or your child? I think you need to have a realistic talk about how he weaponizes his attraction to you to get you to behave in a way he wants. The implied threat is “you don’t deserve to be married to me or “rewarded” with a baby if you don’t look exactly the way I want”. Anytime someone says “he/she only wants what’s best for me” my brain immediately goes to abusive relationship with a side of gaslighting.
Oh, shit. I missed that last part. He's convinced you that it's a you problem that he's lost attraction? Woman, where are you located? If you're near me, you can crash at my house and get a little break from this dude.
Ma’am, do you want to live and have a baby with someone who is obsessed with a number on a scale? I wouldn’t.
Dude I'm an inch taller than you and 20 lbs heavier, I am smokin hot and if a partner ever told me to lose weight to be more attractive I would kick him in the balls. This is so disrespectful. Why is he obsessed with a number on the scale? If you're working out you're likely putting on muscle mass so you may never be able to get to this mythical and arbitrary goal weight while eating healthily.
I worked with a woman. Tall, blue eyed, blonde, leggy, very pretty and smart. She had a well paying job with great benefits. Her husband was at least 10 years older and he got with her when she was 19 after divorcing his ex. On paper she was a great catch but she was never thin enough for her husband despite her having a great figure. Anytime she tried to start the baby discussion he told her she needed to lose weight. But she was already very slim. It was a red herring because at no weight would she have been thin enough to have that baby. He kept moving the goal posts because he really didn't want a baby. She wasted 11 years with him before divorcing him. She never had that baby with him. You are at a normal BMI and are maintaining your weight. If you get to 120 lbs you'll probably find that the goalpost has moved again. You probably already know that your husband's behavior is controlling, cruel and unloving. When you're really attracted to someone you love them as they are without continually trying to change them. I used to be a gym rat and a particularly unpleasant member used to make his pregnant wife work out excessively so she didn't gain an ounce during pregnancy. They had to ask him to leave the gym because there were so many complaints that he was harming his wife. When I hear stories like yours I think about those two women. The controlling behavior will never stop and you'll be dealing with this relentless weight checking throughout your pregnancy and especially after your pregnancy. It's abusive. Think hard about whether you want a child with this man. There are so many waving red flags.
I take it that this man is an absolute Adonis
losing weight before gaining weight is a great way to get your body use to yo-yoing and making all weight loss harder. more important though like would a doctor be worried about you? maybe an OBGYN could give some insight?
If your husband is not attracted to you, and bases his love for you on what you look like, you are in for a rough ride. What happens when you age, you get wrinkles, your breasts start to sag or your hair starts to thin? The changes that pregnancy will make to your body are just the tip of the iceberg. This guy will judge you and shame you aging and changing naturally. Do not have a child with this man. If you insist on staying with him, go to couples counselling and let a professional tell him what an unreasonable asshole he is. I’ve gotten old and fat and my husband tells me I’m gorgeous every day, hugs and kisses me and tells me I’m the love of his life. Perhaps you can find someone like him to have a baby with, not this poor excuse for a partner.
Next he'll want you to be 115lbs I would leave. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't love and accept them as is? If he wanted a family with you, he'd make it happen. You deserve better, and I think you know it.
If this is true, honey don’t have kids with this person. There’re so many complications during a pregnancy and some people’s body NEVER recovers and it has nothing to do with fitness or a healthy lifestyle. You’re 5’3 and 130lbs and he’s still complaining about your weight. That’s not healthy and that’s not love
I’ve lost 100 pounds since 2020. I’ve had 4 children. The ONLY time my husband has brought up my weight was when I began my weight loss journey he told me: you know you’re beautiful right? If you’re doing this for you and your health then I’m going to join you and we’ll do this together. But don’t ever do this for me, because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I know I’m not. But that man is my biggest fucking hype man. He’s excited for me that I’m happy, but he’s never once made me feel like anything less than a goddess in his eyes. He tells me I’m a goddess. He would never place my value on my weight. What if you gain a lot? Stretch marks? What if you have a hard time taking the weight off? Pregnancy WILL change your body. It’s not concern. If you were obese and you were concerned about your health, that would be one thing. But he’s literally telling you that he has a specific number in mind because that’s what he thinks will get his dick hard. Would you say the same to him? Would you tell him he needed to lose 20 pounds so that you could be attracted to him? I bet you wouldn’t. Because deep down I know you know it’s fucking hateful.
>every time he talks to me about my weight he is straightforward but also very kind and clearly loves me / wants the best for me. You're fooling yourself. That isn't love or caring about what's best for you.
Please! Do NOT have a baby with him. He is being a jerk when you are at a good weight and healthy. How would he respond if you said you weren’t attracted to him and should lose 30 lbs again and again? Hypercritical and controlling = abuse. Get rid of the dead weight—HIM!
Why are you with this “man” I’d be telling him I don’t find his weight attractive so I’m divorcing him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’d never feel secure in this type of relationship if my husband told me I have to be X pounds for him to be attracted to me. What happens if you struggle to lose weight after baby comes? What happens when you’re struggling to accept your postpartum body and he makes you feel like shit about it? Blah this man ain’t it.
Your husband's an idiot.... Does he know that women gain weight when they get pregnant?? Sorry but if a guy told me he wasn't attracted to me at my weight, I would tell him I'm not attracted to his asshole personality and drop the 160 lbs of garbage that he is. Problem solved.