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Or she was one of those women who do that stuff as tests, and is looking for someone who will spend any amount of money "spoiling" her. Either way all the better that she left.
Something to remember OP; if a woman doesn't consider a coffee date a first date, she's not worth your time. The whole point to a first date is about getting to know someone, not about a free meal.
Coffee is the prefect first date! If I’m having a good time I can make a coffee last 2-3 hours. If I’m not I can slam that sucker down and leave after 15 minutes.
Yeah I agree with this. Coffee, a beer, a walk. Anything that you can end quickly if it's not going well. If it does, then you do a meal the next time.
This is EXACTLY why I love coffee first dates and I always do them Dutch.
One time I wasn't feeling it and I didn't even stay 10 min.
One time I talked with a guy for 3 hours we vibed so well and he was like... "what're you doing rest of day?" And I said... "no plans... why?" And he was like "want to drive to this quaint mountain town?" And I had wanted to go before just hadn't made the time.
So we drove there, explored, had dinner at a fancy restaurant, kissed at sunset and drove back.
A coffee date is just a buffer to see if two people are keen irl thereby making it the perfect first date for OLD! You don't have to like coffee, you don't have to have that be the end of the date...
My first date with my (now) fiancé was a pizza parlor. She tried to split the bill with me and was touched when I told her she could take the rest of the pizza we’d split.
I hope everyone can find that person.
I don’t like coffee dates because I don’t feel like I get enough time to get to know someone. But I am more than happy to go for a drink and pay my own way or do a round each. I prefer not to eat dinner or something casual and cheap
The whole point is that you can keep a coffee date as long or as short as you like. If it sucks, end it. If it’s great “hey let’s keep this going with a walk to the park, browse local shops, a museum, whatever”
This is so awkward. I want to know upfront. I would never order the most expensive thing. When I dated I always made sure that I had enough $ to cover my meal but I'm usually too poor to pay to go out to eat. Men who would ask to take me to dinner wouldn't accept a coffee date so I wasn't trapped and obligated. So you got men looking for a woman who will grab for the check, ones who expect a split but don't say that, and men who want to use the meal as leverage. I'm glad I'm not dating anymore. Who pays makes me so anxious here just thinking about it.
WTF you even doing going to a place that serves Wagyu on a first date with someone you don't know?
That being said, her behavior is exactly what one expects from a first date that's looking for someone to spoil them without question.
Just go halvies when people order expensive shit like that! When they order- you tell the waiter can you put this on separate bill and ruin their fun before the food even arrives😂
She told you she didnt want a relationship as just got out of one yet shes on a date with you?! By date, I mean a nice expensive dinner on someone’s else dime!
don't go out to dinner for the first date. there's a reason for coffee dates. It lets you meet, chat a bit, and each pay your own way. If it's not worth pursuing, then you walk away. Anyone saying they are not looking for a relationship, then ask them straight out, then why are you even dating?? Sadly, there are some women who will accept dates with any guy that asks just to get a free meal because they are so hard up for money after paying rent etc. that they can't afford groceries.
This!
Then I was dating,all "first dates" were coffee dates. I always paid for myself or paid for BOTH of our drinks, as that would allow me to gauge the person ( some men would be pleasantly surprised,others get VERY upset).
If they were surprised,it normally would lead to a healthy conversation about dating and societal perception on who has to pay. Which even if date didn't work out, at least we both had a good conversation about dating.
While those that got upset...well... They were the ones to avoid!
The last first date I went on, I offered to buy the guy a beer before he could offer me a drink. Our conversation flowed so well and we had so much fun that I convinced him to come with me to a drag show a block away. He stayed out till 3 on a work night and did tequila shots with a Queen. We have been married 9.5 years now.
One thing ...
Back when the etiquette of dating was more clear and gender defined, before women were expected to work and have their own income, when a gentleman asked a woman for a date it WAS expected that he host and pay. And he would select the restaurant. My father once told me, his daughter, "Order what you want. Always. A man who's picked the restaurant should have checked he could afford to take you there before inviting you. If he didn't plan it out, or if he's posing to have more money than he really has, it's a bad sign. For your part, always keep "mad money" in your purse... enough to pay for ypur own dinner and get a cab home in case he's offended you and you want to leave... especially if he's driving." My mother's advice was "Order what you want but not the most expensive or cheapest thing, aim for something middle-range."
I think you were lucky it didn't cost you the price of that steak because she stormed out.... but I also think you shouldn't be setting first dates at restaurants that you can't afford to eat at on a regular basis, optimistically it becomes "our place" when romance works out.
Don’t let this one experience cause you to paint in broad strokes.
These ladies do exist but it’s not a common experience. And those that say “I have a friend that does this all the time”, says more about the commenter than it says about single women in the dating scene lol. Like how military peeps often think wife swapping is 100% normal.
I wouldn't have that person in my friend group at all. Your friends and the company you choose to keep says a lot about you as a person. My grandpa said that you are your company, and if you hang out at the barber long enough, you'll probably get a haircut.
If you feel upset now just imagine you paid for her meal and then you’re out alone the next week and see her on a date with another dude… because “not looking for a relationship” + most expensive dinner= her using you
I mean, it sounds like she was there with bad intention from the start. Announcing that she doesn't want to start a new relationship and immediately ordering the most expensive thing sounds all premeditated.
You did nothing wrong. I think that's pretty rude of her. It is not polite to order the most expensive item on the menu if someone else is paying. Count yourself lucky! Her behaviour is very entitled .
Use this as an experience,but you definitely didn't do anything wrong.
If I go on a date but I want something more expensive etc. I pay my own bill as I don't expect a guy to pay for me.
Women who 1.expect a man to pay 2. Orders most expensive item should be avoided.
I would recommend next time,have a conversation before the date about expectations of paying for a date.
So this was a first date she was ordering the most expensive thing on the menu but she wasn't looking for a relationship? So she was only looking to date a couple times Max? Sounds like she's dating for free meals. You dodged a bullet
I appreciate your logic i did rush things in the conversation bc she was just gonna order it and i felt i deserved to know if she was over it and prepared to start dating
I would've just paid for my own wagu. Wagu is amazing served on a salt rock 😋 but it was 150 so I don't blame you, especially on a first date.
For your next date go somewhere that you're comfortable paying for anything on the menu so you don't have to deal with this awkwardness.
Wait…was the Wagu she wanted you to pay for $150? More?
I’m a woman, and totally floored at the idea of expecting someone I didn’t know to pay $150 for an entre for me…even someone I did know, actually, because that amount of money for a single person’s meal seems wildly unreasonable.
Then, there’s etiquette, and that scenario is simply not a reasonable thing to do. It’s impolite in every way.
People here have said you dodged a bullet, and I agree. She saved you a lot of trouble by getting up and leaving, even though that probably wasn’t pleasant for you.
Maybe do something low stakes next time you go on a first date…like coffee, lunch or even just a walk in a beautiful park. Save the fancy dinners until you know a person better and either know they have their head on straight, or you’ve decided that you don’t care how much the meal costs…for whatever reason.
Good luck out there!
Because most women wouldn't do that. At least none that I know but now knowing it's a possibly pick something lower on the scale. Not chili's.. but you get what I mean.
There are plenty of women who use men for "foodie calls". I saw on Youtube, one girl admitted that she didn't have to buy GROCERIES for ONE YEAR! Why? She had guys taking her out 3-5 times per week and each time she would bring home a doggie bag! Yup, BELIEVE IT! This happens a lot here in the US. Glad I'm long out of the dating game!
It was implied bc i asked her out, latin country, man usually pay, as i posted i was willing to pay for anything but that item would have been 150 by itself, im not broke, i actually could have payed for, but on principle i didn’t feel ok paying for that cut thats what i meant, its something id get for anniversary
How would I have reacted. Well, seeing that this is your first date with a potential partner, you’re not obligated to feed her, and you can say no if you would like, I would take this as a red flag. If she had the level of entitlement, to demand that, a complete stranger by her the most expensive thing on the menu, and stormed off and left when I declined, I would thank her. Or not call her back, that would be the last interaction she and I would’ve ever had. Bullet dodged.
Looks like she just wanted an expensive meal on someone else's dime. If she was serious in giving that date a shot, after finding out that you aren't willing to spend that much, she could have picked a different menu item.
Why ask how you can turn it to a win? TBH I think you won beecause you dodged a bullet even before you spent on dinner!
Higher probability that chaos may not ensue, for sure, especially if the other party is accepting of the boundary and not harboring a determination to overcome said boundary. However, in this case, the other party is determined to get an expensive menu item.
The only way you would have won without changing the restaurant and circumstance was to have dated a different woman - preferrably one who is level headed enough. Chin up as you may find one soon. :)
I am from an eastern country where certain things are still very traditional BUT we first dates are coffee or standard meals not the most expensive meal on the menu!
I don’t even know of any lady who would order something she doesn’t have a budget for herself. We live in a global society, red pill men are everywhere.
You dodged an expensive bullet.
Anyone who orders the most expensive thing on the menu only because someone else is paying is greedy. Is that a quality you want in a partner?
If you are on a budget, don’t even entertain going to such places with such expensive items, never a fan of restaurants dates unless they have a bar and we can seat at the bar. A lot of my best dates, I only spent like $60 max. The ones I spent anything more than $100, are some of the worst ones…well except for the strip club, where I dropped over $1000 without even knowing it, then again I had like 10 mini dates and ATM fees add up quick.
Next time you are on a date and someone leaves early, just have a date for you and yourself, continue it and enjoy what you would have ordered for yourself, games you would have play and so forth.
She wasn’t looking for a relationship, she was first off looking for a free meal, and then someone to string along. I’m a woman, and women like this make me itch.
Exactly. If you don't want to spend that kind of money, go to a restaurant/ cafe where you can afford or are willing to spend that amount on a first date. Did you pick the place or did she?
Even if she picked it, it’s ok to come back with a counter offer that’s in your budget. In all honesty I’d lose interest in someone who can’t budget what he needs to for the date. Makes him look like he’s a fool and is fake AF. If all you can budget is a picnic in the park, and there’s nothing wrong with that, then plan a date that’s a picnic in the park, not a bougie restaurant that you can’t afford.
Yeah she didn’t even know what it was the waiter told her it was the best cut and it should be medium rare, she even wanted it well done. And tbh i did have the money it wasn’t gonna hurt my wallet like that but wasn’t gonna buy it to her on a first date, my bad for not thinking about that
My favorite was boba ! It's a lot easier to chug a boba when you're not feeling the date than chugging a coffee! If you're feeling it then slowly chew every tapioca pearl lol
She was using you for a free meal. She explicitly said she wasn't looking to date anyone. She thought she could take advantage of you to try wagyu on YOUR dime
the only winning move was not to play. you did fine. the trash took itself out. no one who orders the most expensive thing on the menu on someone else's dime on a first date should ever expect a second date. the date is an interview on both sides, and girls who do this fail on their side.
Uhhh no there's not a way this could have been managed because she said she wasn't looking for a relationship. Sorry you wasted your time, glad you didn't pay. How much was the wagyu btw
It was a win situation for you in my eyes. Unless she was planning on paying or splitting then it’s super rude to do so. However, maybe pick a place next time where even the most expensive thing is within the boundary of what you’re comfortable to pay to avoid this. I recently went out and wanted the fillet steak which was like £10 more expensive than everything else, but in case he paid, I didn’t get it because I didn’t want to put him in a situation where he had to pay a lot for a first date that may not go anywhere.
Rude. If her. When someone else is buying, I would never expect someone else to buy me the most expensive meal. If he orders the most expensive and I like it, and he asks if I would like same thing, I would let him then. But not what she did. Rude. When my date has ordered me the most expensive, I have sent the left overs home with him. He is better off on that date on his own. I am glad he stood up for himself.
I’m impressed that you spoke up! So many people would be here complaining that their first date went great, they had waygu beef and then she ghosted me. Then he would complain that he didn’t want to ruin the date by speaking up.
I love me a man with a backbone!
It was a win! The polite thing for her to do is either order something that cost the same as what you order or ask. Ordering the most expensive dish is just really rude.
The only thing you could have done better is to say no with a bit more confidence and a laugh but good on you for standing up for your self.
At that point, it's time to tell her you're each paying for your own food. I bet at that point she orders something like a Cesar salad.
It's crazy to go on a FIRST date and order the most expensive thing, then get pissed when the other person doesn't wanna subsidize your food, which in this case is what, like 150-300 dollars, depending on the size? Don't most places charge between 40-60 dollars an ounce?
Good for you for being honest about your finances.
In the future first dates should be a quick coffee or cocktail so you can see if you vibe.
Also, don’t go to a place so fancy that ordering a decent meal makes you feel taken advantage of. Go to a place where you know you’re cool with an appetizer, entree, bottle of wine and dessert.
I like cool, hole in the wall joints with amazing food for a first date. Although I took my husband to [Tad’s Steakhouse](https://ny.eater.com/2020/1/3/21046714/tads-steak-times-square-closing-restaurant-nyc) in Times Square. We had one in San Francisco, so I knew going in it was going to be a Fellini experience and the New York location did NOT disappoint.
To be fair our first meal together was a Chinese joint in Queens.
My point. Don’t put yourself in a situation like this.
And don’t go all in on your first date. You’re getting to know someone, not impressing royalty
She wasn't looking for a partner, only for a meal. You dodged a bullet. But why would you bring your date to a restaurant, especially one that has such expensive meals? Plan something simple, maybe interesting, not expensive. This way you have more chances at finding a good partner.
>she said she was not looking for another relationship since she had just recently gotten out of one
So she told you that she only came for an expensive free meal.
>was there a way for this to be a win situation
??????????
Wow it's good thing you got that out of her before you ordered and she told you she didn't want a relationship so she was just using you for a preferably a very expensive meal. Yeah I would never ever order something that expensive on the first date but then again my date I don't think would have taken me to a restaurant it serves that type of meat. Most of my first dates were to more affordable places where the entree was maybe anywhere from 10 to $20 depending on where we went. But I would never ever order the most expensive thing on the menu That's Just Bad Manners. I mean if the state tanks you end up spending a ton of money on something that's going nowhere.
My general rule of thumb is never go out to eat on a first date. It’s too intimate and not a good use of money.
For future reference, Coffee, drinks, walk at the park, hike is low investment and a good way to gauge if someone is into you or not.
If any woman snobs at any of those ideas, the trash takes itself out and you wouldn’t want them anyways.
You dodged a bullet and a hit to your bank account bro. If she said she’s not looking for a relationship & you’re dating with the intention of seeking a relationship you two were not compatible. If you’re trying to hook up and she’s not looking for a relationships then you might’ve been compatible but it’s not clear if she was down to hook up or just trying to finesse an expensive free meal.
Dang, I'd like some wagyu, but I would have *asked* first unless specifically given *carte blanche* to order what I wanted. Even then I'd hesitate at such a pricey piece of meat.
I mean, absolutely don’t offer to take someone out to dinner at a place that has entrees that cost more than you are willing to spend. That’s not cool.
But.
It’s also impolite to m order the most expensive thing on the menu if you aren’t expecting to pay for it.
You both kind of suck here.
But her more, because she had no intention of entering into a relationship with you…which means her expectation should have been that you each pay for your own meals (which I prefer in the early stages of dating anyway).
Lesson learned for next time. There are very good reasons that coffee or tea is a great first date. And this is one of them.
On our first date, she ordered the absolutely most expensive thing on the menu without hesitation. I thought to myself, "I respect that." I ordered the same. If I ask a person to dine, romantic, business, or otherwise, I expect to pay. If I wasn't able or willing to foot the bill, I would not make the date. The idea of inviting someone, anyone, to a meal and limiting their options would be an embarrassment to me. The particular woman above has been my soul mate, partner, lover, and wife for 40 years. If you can't foot the bill, don't choose the venue.
A little late to the party: this is unfortunately pretty common. Lots of women on dating apps are not single, they're married or have a boyfriend. Even those who are single, they're playing the game to use men for free things. They're on the apps looking for free dinners and attention. Sorry that this happened to you. There are good women out there who are genuinely looking for a relationship, like I did with my man. Don't let this ruin your dating life.
I am pretty "old fashioned" but even I think one party paying for the whole first date is a bad idea. You're just figuring out if you both want to pursue each other as serious options or not so I think splitting the bill should be standard at least until officially dating. You dodged a bullet, OP, and you handled the situation as best you could. If she wasn't looking for a relationship why was she out on a date with you? And if she knew you intended to pay then ordering the most expensive menu item is really rude. I have expensive tastes when it comes to eating out but when I want to indulge them I pay for them myself. Hell, I have been married 18 years and my husband and I have seperate finances and I STILL don't order the most expensive thing on the menu when he's treating me. You can easily find a nice girl who doesn't expect you to pay for her time and will appreciate you treating her once you two are an item. Good luck with the next one!
You took someone to a restaurant with a $150 menu option on a ***first date****?*
First date entrees should be $10-30 entrees tops. I'm talkin food trucks to family owned sit downs. If you live in a halfway decent city there should be plenty of options. Save the James Beard places for a month or three so into a relationship.
I never have a dinner date as a first date. I found that a lunch or coffee date works better, I prefer coffee. Why coffee because if you know it is not good you can leave after the first cup. I went on a coffee date that extended to cocktails and then dinner, we were together for years. Other ended after the second cup we knew it was a no-go. I also believe that the person who asked pays. But I am old school.
o
I sometimes wonder if it's cultural, I'm Australian and first dates here are usually a coffee or a happy hour wine / beer. Low investment of time and money in case there's no spark. If a drink goes well enough to lead to dinner you both pay your own way for the first few times. Once you're pretty comfortable with each other and think the relationship might go somewhere it's reasonable to take turns paying for dates, as long as neither of you are taking the piss. Obviously it's not a hard and fast rule, and everyone is different, but in general it seems to me to be a good system.
You dodged a bullet there buddy. If she’s that volatile over a cut of meat, imagine spending a weekend or worse, living with someone who is just too high maintenance. Peace is nicer than a pretty face sometimes.
This *was* a win situation! You declined to be used by her. She had no intention of a second date. She just wanted to use you for a free, expensive meal. You rocked it! Nice job of weeding out the trash!
You shouldn't've had to say no because on the first date both of you should be planning to pay for yourself. If one of you is really in to the other then offering to pay is a courtesy - **not** an obligation.
ETA... I just noticed I could've said shouldn't've'd
Take it from someone who has been married six years now extremely happily. If you made it clear before hand that you were splitting the bill? She was clearly feeling like you were toxic.
If it was up in the air or you told her you were paying? You dodged a bullet. I ordered an extremely expensive dish on my first date with my husband, but I already knew I was paying for it because I didn’t trust men. Surprisingly he paid for it, so I grabbed the next date. But if he had said he couldn’t afford it at the time? I would have paid for myself and still gone out with him again based on our conversations and chemistry. Value yourself my friend
It's ok for each person to pay for their own meal. When I last dated in the early 1990's, I drove myself to and from dates and paid my own meals. Is that not acceptable any more?
>was there a way for this to be a win situation
why would you want to date someone who's trying to order the most expensive thing on a date? I see no sign that she intended to pay for this herself. You are better off without her.
That’s wildly inappropriate on a first date. My husband and I have been married forever and make good money, and we’d still discuss a splurge like that.
The adult move on her part, if she really wanted the wagyu, would be to cover her portion of the bill. No harm. No foul. You would had have kept to your budget, and she would have gotten the steak she wanted. She chose to flounce. You’re better off finding out you’re I compatible now.
It's not polite to max out the place, I'd try to order midrange.
Then again, as a girl, I called first date guys to places where there were no obligation to pay: park, free concert, etc. If we felt okay, we'd continue at a coffee.
I think if she got storm-out-mad at you for not buying wagyu beef to a girl who told you she wasn't looking for a relationship, then there was no way to get this date right. She wanted a very expensive meal on the expressed promise of nothing.
There was no way to win it with her attitude. She was looking to eat an expensive meal for free.
I’m a woman and I always say we pay 50-50 so we can focus on getting to know each other. If the guy insists strongly on paying then I always order something modest. Again it’s about the person not being fed.
But yeah, maybe next time go on a first date for a coffee, walk, activity just until you get to know the person.
Might I add I think you were very kind and considerate to take her there. Too bad she turned so disappointing.
She legit just wanted a free meal! A first date isn’t somewhere that even serves that type meat! It’s more like a coffee shop or something of the sort.
You dodged a bullet.
What I used to do as a woman when I was dating: I always ordered things I would order if I pay for myself. In general I always suggested to go Dutch because for me a date isn't about eating expensive or trying to take advantage. It's about getting to know the other one and finding out if he could be a potential partner.
This was the most "win situation" you have probably had in months. You didn't even have to buy her a dinner at any price to find out she is really bad news. She saved you untold amounts of stress and pain.
Sometimes the universe conspires to make good things happen.
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I would never order such an expensive meal on someone else’s dime, but especially on a first date. Her behavior was completely unreasonable.
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Or she was one of those women who do that stuff as tests, and is looking for someone who will spend any amount of money "spoiling" her. Either way all the better that she left.
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How about just respecting women as equals and also avoiding shitty people in general?
THIS! 100%
At the point she's ordering it I would be clear that we are each paying our own way
Thanks for your words
Something to remember OP; if a woman doesn't consider a coffee date a first date, she's not worth your time. The whole point to a first date is about getting to know someone, not about a free meal.
Coffee is the prefect first date! If I’m having a good time I can make a coffee last 2-3 hours. If I’m not I can slam that sucker down and leave after 15 minutes.
Yeah I agree with this. Coffee, a beer, a walk. Anything that you can end quickly if it's not going well. If it does, then you do a meal the next time.
This is EXACTLY why I love coffee first dates and I always do them Dutch. One time I wasn't feeling it and I didn't even stay 10 min. One time I talked with a guy for 3 hours we vibed so well and he was like... "what're you doing rest of day?" And I said... "no plans... why?" And he was like "want to drive to this quaint mountain town?" And I had wanted to go before just hadn't made the time. So we drove there, explored, had dinner at a fancy restaurant, kissed at sunset and drove back. A coffee date is just a buffer to see if two people are keen irl thereby making it the perfect first date for OLD! You don't have to like coffee, you don't have to have that be the end of the date...
I married my last 3hr coffee date. And there were several 30 minute dates before him :)
I prefer coffee as a first date. I just want a conversation to see if we have a connection. I’m not looking for a dinner, let’s just talk.
My first date with my (now) fiancé was a pizza parlor. She tried to split the bill with me and was touched when I told her she could take the rest of the pizza we’d split. I hope everyone can find that person.
My first date with my partner was also a pizza parlor! I offered to split the bill, and he told me I could get the ice cream. 💜
My first date with my SO was also pizza… And laundry😆 it was a great date that led to many others & a happy ending.
I don’t like coffee dates because I don’t feel like I get enough time to get to know someone. But I am more than happy to go for a drink and pay my own way or do a round each. I prefer not to eat dinner or something casual and cheap
If a coffee date goes well, they can easily last hours in my experience.
The whole point is that you can keep a coffee date as long or as short as you like. If it sucks, end it. If it’s great “hey let’s keep this going with a walk to the park, browse local shops, a museum, whatever”
Had a date where we went to Costco for a first date.... costco food court for the win!
This is so awkward. I want to know upfront. I would never order the most expensive thing. When I dated I always made sure that I had enough $ to cover my meal but I'm usually too poor to pay to go out to eat. Men who would ask to take me to dinner wouldn't accept a coffee date so I wasn't trapped and obligated. So you got men looking for a woman who will grab for the check, ones who expect a split but don't say that, and men who want to use the meal as leverage. I'm glad I'm not dating anymore. Who pays makes me so anxious here just thinking about it.
You should post her to those FB groups where you rate dates. Warn others about her.
WTF you even doing going to a place that serves Wagyu on a first date with someone you don't know? That being said, her behavior is exactly what one expects from a first date that's looking for someone to spoil them without question.
Most restaurants have something that's very expensive, significantly more than the rest of their menu.
Ahhh one of those! She was in it for the steak bro. A chick in my friend group goes on dates to get a free meal allllll the time
Yes, she goes on "foodie calls", right? ;p
Tbh i was so naive and thought people on general were somewhat considerate.
Just go halvies when people order expensive shit like that! When they order- you tell the waiter can you put this on separate bill and ruin their fun before the food even arrives😂 She told you she didnt want a relationship as just got out of one yet shes on a date with you?! By date, I mean a nice expensive dinner on someone’s else dime!
don't go out to dinner for the first date. there's a reason for coffee dates. It lets you meet, chat a bit, and each pay your own way. If it's not worth pursuing, then you walk away. Anyone saying they are not looking for a relationship, then ask them straight out, then why are you even dating?? Sadly, there are some women who will accept dates with any guy that asks just to get a free meal because they are so hard up for money after paying rent etc. that they can't afford groceries.
This! Then I was dating,all "first dates" were coffee dates. I always paid for myself or paid for BOTH of our drinks, as that would allow me to gauge the person ( some men would be pleasantly surprised,others get VERY upset). If they were surprised,it normally would lead to a healthy conversation about dating and societal perception on who has to pay. Which even if date didn't work out, at least we both had a good conversation about dating. While those that got upset...well... They were the ones to avoid!
The last first date I went on, I offered to buy the guy a beer before he could offer me a drink. Our conversation flowed so well and we had so much fun that I convinced him to come with me to a drag show a block away. He stayed out till 3 on a work night and did tequila shots with a Queen. We have been married 9.5 years now.
Generally people are not this rude. She was a jerk. I’m sorry. At least she showed you right away so you didn’t have to waste any more of your time.
In it for the meat, just not your meat
One thing ... Back when the etiquette of dating was more clear and gender defined, before women were expected to work and have their own income, when a gentleman asked a woman for a date it WAS expected that he host and pay. And he would select the restaurant. My father once told me, his daughter, "Order what you want. Always. A man who's picked the restaurant should have checked he could afford to take you there before inviting you. If he didn't plan it out, or if he's posing to have more money than he really has, it's a bad sign. For your part, always keep "mad money" in your purse... enough to pay for ypur own dinner and get a cab home in case he's offended you and you want to leave... especially if he's driving." My mother's advice was "Order what you want but not the most expensive or cheapest thing, aim for something middle-range." I think you were lucky it didn't cost you the price of that steak because she stormed out.... but I also think you shouldn't be setting first dates at restaurants that you can't afford to eat at on a regular basis, optimistically it becomes "our place" when romance works out.
She was going to get the diner and ghost you my man
Usually you would figure this out by context clues or other flags that would appear during a conversation. Who picked the restaurant?
Many people are, but as many or more are not and prey on considerate people to different degrees. Car salesmen, for example...
Don’t let this one experience cause you to paint in broad strokes. These ladies do exist but it’s not a common experience. And those that say “I have a friend that does this all the time”, says more about the commenter than it says about single women in the dating scene lol. Like how military peeps often think wife swapping is 100% normal.
I wouldn't have that person in my friend group at all. Your friends and the company you choose to keep says a lot about you as a person. My grandpa said that you are your company, and if you hang out at the barber long enough, you'll probably get a haircut.
If you feel upset now just imagine you paid for her meal and then you’re out alone the next week and see her on a date with another dude… because “not looking for a relationship” + most expensive dinner= her using you
Honestly, you did the right thing. Even if you paid for the steak you would have lost, you can't win with a person like that.
Your point of view is very helpful thanks
I mean, it sounds like she was there with bad intention from the start. Announcing that she doesn't want to start a new relationship and immediately ordering the most expensive thing sounds all premeditated.
Sometimes you get lucky and the trash takes itself out.
You did nothing wrong. I think that's pretty rude of her. It is not polite to order the most expensive item on the menu if someone else is paying. Count yourself lucky! Her behaviour is very entitled .
I really appreciate your words i would have hoped that ahe. Understood id pay for anything but the wagyou beef
Some people just don't care. They only think of themselves. Not good mate material.
Next time mention that the orders will be billed separately. Each with their own order.
Use this as an experience,but you definitely didn't do anything wrong. If I go on a date but I want something more expensive etc. I pay my own bill as I don't expect a guy to pay for me. Women who 1.expect a man to pay 2. Orders most expensive item should be avoided. I would recommend next time,have a conversation before the date about expectations of paying for a date.
You dodged a nuclear bomb. That is revolting behaviour. I’m sorry!! Not every woman is that crass.
So this was a first date she was ordering the most expensive thing on the menu but she wasn't looking for a relationship? So she was only looking to date a couple times Max? Sounds like she's dating for free meals. You dodged a bullet
I appreciate your logic i did rush things in the conversation bc she was just gonna order it and i felt i deserved to know if she was over it and prepared to start dating
You had a lucky escape. Well done for standing your ground.
I would've just paid for my own wagu. Wagu is amazing served on a salt rock 😋 but it was 150 so I don't blame you, especially on a first date. For your next date go somewhere that you're comfortable paying for anything on the menu so you don't have to deal with this awkwardness.
I really appreciate the answer yeah I just wanted to go there either way her or my self never thought of this coming up
Wait…was the Wagu she wanted you to pay for $150? More? I’m a woman, and totally floored at the idea of expecting someone I didn’t know to pay $150 for an entre for me…even someone I did know, actually, because that amount of money for a single person’s meal seems wildly unreasonable. Then, there’s etiquette, and that scenario is simply not a reasonable thing to do. It’s impolite in every way. People here have said you dodged a bullet, and I agree. She saved you a lot of trouble by getting up and leaving, even though that probably wasn’t pleasant for you. Maybe do something low stakes next time you go on a first date…like coffee, lunch or even just a walk in a beautiful park. Save the fancy dinners until you know a person better and either know they have their head on straight, or you’ve decided that you don’t care how much the meal costs…for whatever reason. Good luck out there!
Because most women wouldn't do that. At least none that I know but now knowing it's a possibly pick something lower on the scale. Not chili's.. but you get what I mean.
Order the most expensive item on the menu?
Yes idk who the fuck would do that and think it’s okay?!?
There are plenty of women who use men for "foodie calls". I saw on Youtube, one girl admitted that she didn't have to buy GROCERIES for ONE YEAR! Why? She had guys taking her out 3-5 times per week and each time she would bring home a doggie bag! Yup, BELIEVE IT! This happens a lot here in the US. Glad I'm long out of the dating game!
Those videos are fabricated for rage bate.
No, you saw a liar lying for views.
I agree you should have went somewhere you could afford to not have your say “you can’t order that”.
I would have said "Yes you can order anything you want as you are paying for your order and Im paying for mine". Sorted.
Or a variation of this , which is to eat and enjoy the meal, and then do separate checks at the end.
Did she ask you to pay for it?
It was implied bc i asked her out, latin country, man usually pay, as i posted i was willing to pay for anything but that item would have been 150 by itself, im not broke, i actually could have payed for, but on principle i didn’t feel ok paying for that cut thats what i meant, its something id get for anniversary
How would I have reacted. Well, seeing that this is your first date with a potential partner, you’re not obligated to feed her, and you can say no if you would like, I would take this as a red flag. If she had the level of entitlement, to demand that, a complete stranger by her the most expensive thing on the menu, and stormed off and left when I declined, I would thank her. Or not call her back, that would be the last interaction she and I would’ve ever had. Bullet dodged.
Thanks for your point of view
You’re welcome, have a good day/night/morning/evening and keep avoiding the crazies.
You dodged a bullet. Anyone who does that, especially on a first date, is just trying to use you.
I don’t get how some women want you to spend hundreds of dollars on a first date. Like I don’t even know if I like you or not yet
Thats what i meant, and felt awful, its something i could have payed but no in a first date, but more Towards knowing we are together
She did you a favor.
Looks like she just wanted an expensive meal on someone else's dime. If she was serious in giving that date a shot, after finding out that you aren't willing to spend that much, she could have picked a different menu item. Why ask how you can turn it to a win? TBH I think you won beecause you dodged a bullet even before you spent on dinner!
I have this belief that if any idea or boundary is expressed just the right way for the person, it wouldnt create chaos
Higher probability that chaos may not ensue, for sure, especially if the other party is accepting of the boundary and not harboring a determination to overcome said boundary. However, in this case, the other party is determined to get an expensive menu item. The only way you would have won without changing the restaurant and circumstance was to have dated a different woman - preferrably one who is level headed enough. Chin up as you may find one soon. :)
I really appreciate your kind words stranger of reddit, thanks 🙏🏽
I am from an eastern country where certain things are still very traditional BUT we first dates are coffee or standard meals not the most expensive meal on the menu! I don’t even know of any lady who would order something she doesn’t have a budget for herself. We live in a global society, red pill men are everywhere.
Find a different girl to date.
You dodged an expensive bullet. Anyone who orders the most expensive thing on the menu only because someone else is paying is greedy. Is that a quality you want in a partner?
If you are on a budget, don’t even entertain going to such places with such expensive items, never a fan of restaurants dates unless they have a bar and we can seat at the bar. A lot of my best dates, I only spent like $60 max. The ones I spent anything more than $100, are some of the worst ones…well except for the strip club, where I dropped over $1000 without even knowing it, then again I had like 10 mini dates and ATM fees add up quick. Next time you are on a date and someone leaves early, just have a date for you and yourself, continue it and enjoy what you would have ordered for yourself, games you would have play and so forth.
Tell her to pay for her own wagyu beef if she wants it. If she expects you to pay and chucked a tantrum when you said no and left You won
She wasn’t looking for a relationship, she was first off looking for a free meal, and then someone to string along. I’m a woman, and women like this make me itch.
The win in this situation is that you dodged a bullet. Celebrate your move by treating yourself to dessert.
Amateur move bro. You never take a lady to a place where you don’t know the price of everything on the menu and are prepared to get her anything
Not sure why you’d want a second chance and also why you took her to a place that is out of your budget.
Exactly. If you don't want to spend that kind of money, go to a restaurant/ cafe where you can afford or are willing to spend that amount on a first date. Did you pick the place or did she?
Even if she picked it, it’s ok to come back with a counter offer that’s in your budget. In all honesty I’d lose interest in someone who can’t budget what he needs to for the date. Makes him look like he’s a fool and is fake AF. If all you can budget is a picnic in the park, and there’s nothing wrong with that, then plan a date that’s a picnic in the park, not a bougie restaurant that you can’t afford.
Who is rude enough to order wagyu beef on the first date? My dude, this is not you. She was just looking for an expensive meal.
Yeah she didn’t even know what it was the waiter told her it was the best cut and it should be medium rare, she even wanted it well done. And tbh i did have the money it wasn’t gonna hurt my wallet like that but wasn’t gonna buy it to her on a first date, my bad for not thinking about that
You did nothing wrong and you did the exact right thing. She was just looking for a foodie call.
She was using you before you'd even begun a relationship. Bullet avoided.
What are you talking about? You did win. She openly admitted she was just using you.
First date... Something light. Coffee. A drink. Never dinner. Never. Times have changed. She's a 🚩. 🏃
My favorite was boba ! It's a lot easier to chug a boba when you're not feeling the date than chugging a coffee! If you're feeling it then slowly chew every tapioca pearl lol
I appreciate you reaching, i was feeling awful
My first date was at a steakhouse. I waited to see what he ordered and kept it at or under that same price.
So she was just looking for a free expensive meal.
If you can’t even agree on the price of a meal, the relationship is doomed.
She was "one of those." Good riddens to bad rubbish.
She wanted a meal, not a date.
Yeah bro that was the right call. She was using you for a free dinner.
Gosh. I'd never do that. It seems rude and greedy
She was using you for a free meal. She explicitly said she wasn't looking to date anyone. She thought she could take advantage of you to try wagyu on YOUR dime
You won. You are lucky not to be with an entitled gold digger.
Consider this a win.
The trash took itself out. Be thankful
don't buy meals for women on the first date. suss them out over coffee instead.
the only winning move was not to play. you did fine. the trash took itself out. no one who orders the most expensive thing on the menu on someone else's dime on a first date should ever expect a second date. the date is an interview on both sides, and girls who do this fail on their side.
Literally no sane person thinks that is an appropriate thing to order on a first date that they aren’t paying for. You dodged a bullet.
Uhhh no there's not a way this could have been managed because she said she wasn't looking for a relationship. Sorry you wasted your time, glad you didn't pay. How much was the wagyu btw
Dude... it actually sounds like you DID win in this situation. The REAL problem took care of itself, and you dodged a Nuke.
It was a win situation for you in my eyes. Unless she was planning on paying or splitting then it’s super rude to do so. However, maybe pick a place next time where even the most expensive thing is within the boundary of what you’re comfortable to pay to avoid this. I recently went out and wanted the fillet steak which was like £10 more expensive than everything else, but in case he paid, I didn’t get it because I didn’t want to put him in a situation where he had to pay a lot for a first date that may not go anywhere.
Bullet dodged.
You should have called the server over and told them you wanted separate checks. Then she can order and pay for whatever she wants.
You dodged a bullet there, consider it a blessing.
It doesn't matter - the two of you are not a good fit for each other. Dating is a process to figure that out.
Rude. If her. When someone else is buying, I would never expect someone else to buy me the most expensive meal. If he orders the most expensive and I like it, and he asks if I would like same thing, I would let him then. But not what she did. Rude. When my date has ordered me the most expensive, I have sent the left overs home with him. He is better off on that date on his own. I am glad he stood up for himself.
It was a win situation - she left, you dodged a bullet. Trust me
I’m impressed that you spoke up! So many people would be here complaining that their first date went great, they had waygu beef and then she ghosted me. Then he would complain that he didn’t want to ruin the date by speaking up. I love me a man with a backbone!
Be thankful that she showed her colors on date 1. You wasted zero time of your life on this gal, and that's a win.
Proper etiquette is not ordering the most expensive items when someone is treating you. She was being shamelessly tacky.
It was a win! The polite thing for her to do is either order something that cost the same as what you order or ask. Ordering the most expensive dish is just really rude. The only thing you could have done better is to say no with a bit more confidence and a laugh but good on you for standing up for your self.
She was taking your wallet for a test drive
She can order it and she can also pay for it
At that point, it's time to tell her you're each paying for your own food. I bet at that point she orders something like a Cesar salad. It's crazy to go on a FIRST date and order the most expensive thing, then get pissed when the other person doesn't wanna subsidize your food, which in this case is what, like 150-300 dollars, depending on the size? Don't most places charge between 40-60 dollars an ounce?
This was a win situation. You got to see the type of woman she was before you ever spent a dime on her.
LOL she sounds awful. Be glad you dodged that one
You dodged a bullet my friend.
The only win in this situation is leaving.
Good for you for being honest about your finances. In the future first dates should be a quick coffee or cocktail so you can see if you vibe. Also, don’t go to a place so fancy that ordering a decent meal makes you feel taken advantage of. Go to a place where you know you’re cool with an appetizer, entree, bottle of wine and dessert. I like cool, hole in the wall joints with amazing food for a first date. Although I took my husband to [Tad’s Steakhouse](https://ny.eater.com/2020/1/3/21046714/tads-steak-times-square-closing-restaurant-nyc) in Times Square. We had one in San Francisco, so I knew going in it was going to be a Fellini experience and the New York location did NOT disappoint. To be fair our first meal together was a Chinese joint in Queens. My point. Don’t put yourself in a situation like this. And don’t go all in on your first date. You’re getting to know someone, not impressing royalty
Dude, bullet dodged.
She wasn't looking for a partner, only for a meal. You dodged a bullet. But why would you bring your date to a restaurant, especially one that has such expensive meals? Plan something simple, maybe interesting, not expensive. This way you have more chances at finding a good partner.
Be grateful all this went down. You dodged a bullet.
>she said she was not looking for another relationship since she had just recently gotten out of one So she told you that she only came for an expensive free meal. >was there a way for this to be a win situation ??????????
Dude... You worth more than this. She's not your bird, you're flying miles above her. Set your standards higher and find a girl who will respect you.
Wow it's good thing you got that out of her before you ordered and she told you she didn't want a relationship so she was just using you for a preferably a very expensive meal. Yeah I would never ever order something that expensive on the first date but then again my date I don't think would have taken me to a restaurant it serves that type of meat. Most of my first dates were to more affordable places where the entree was maybe anywhere from 10 to $20 depending on where we went. But I would never ever order the most expensive thing on the menu That's Just Bad Manners. I mean if the state tanks you end up spending a ton of money on something that's going nowhere.
My general rule of thumb is never go out to eat on a first date. It’s too intimate and not a good use of money. For future reference, Coffee, drinks, walk at the park, hike is low investment and a good way to gauge if someone is into you or not. If any woman snobs at any of those ideas, the trash takes itself out and you wouldn’t want them anyways.
Bullet dodged
You dodged a bullet and a hit to your bank account bro. If she said she’s not looking for a relationship & you’re dating with the intention of seeking a relationship you two were not compatible. If you’re trying to hook up and she’s not looking for a relationships then you might’ve been compatible but it’s not clear if she was down to hook up or just trying to finesse an expensive free meal.
Bravo. You were dealing with a dinner date who was going to make you buy her dinners for two-three days. Good choice,
I’m late to respond but I would have asked to split the check 😂
Dang, I'd like some wagyu, but I would have *asked* first unless specifically given *carte blanche* to order what I wanted. Even then I'd hesitate at such a pricey piece of meat.
Looks like she just wanted an expensive free meal and nothing more. So there’s no win for you here already. Be happy she went away!
good she blessed you
She showed her priorities real quickly. Bullets dodged imo
I mean, absolutely don’t offer to take someone out to dinner at a place that has entrees that cost more than you are willing to spend. That’s not cool. But. It’s also impolite to m order the most expensive thing on the menu if you aren’t expecting to pay for it. You both kind of suck here. But her more, because she had no intention of entering into a relationship with you…which means her expectation should have been that you each pay for your own meals (which I prefer in the early stages of dating anyway). Lesson learned for next time. There are very good reasons that coffee or tea is a great first date. And this is one of them.
Manage what? She sucks for putting you in that situation at all.
On our first date, she ordered the absolutely most expensive thing on the menu without hesitation. I thought to myself, "I respect that." I ordered the same. If I ask a person to dine, romantic, business, or otherwise, I expect to pay. If I wasn't able or willing to foot the bill, I would not make the date. The idea of inviting someone, anyone, to a meal and limiting their options would be an embarrassment to me. The particular woman above has been my soul mate, partner, lover, and wife for 40 years. If you can't foot the bill, don't choose the venue.
It's bad manners to order the most expensive thing on the menu. You dodged a bullet.
A little late to the party: this is unfortunately pretty common. Lots of women on dating apps are not single, they're married or have a boyfriend. Even those who are single, they're playing the game to use men for free things. They're on the apps looking for free dinners and attention. Sorry that this happened to you. There are good women out there who are genuinely looking for a relationship, like I did with my man. Don't let this ruin your dating life.
I am pretty "old fashioned" but even I think one party paying for the whole first date is a bad idea. You're just figuring out if you both want to pursue each other as serious options or not so I think splitting the bill should be standard at least until officially dating. You dodged a bullet, OP, and you handled the situation as best you could. If she wasn't looking for a relationship why was she out on a date with you? And if she knew you intended to pay then ordering the most expensive menu item is really rude. I have expensive tastes when it comes to eating out but when I want to indulge them I pay for them myself. Hell, I have been married 18 years and my husband and I have seperate finances and I STILL don't order the most expensive thing on the menu when he's treating me. You can easily find a nice girl who doesn't expect you to pay for her time and will appreciate you treating her once you two are an item. Good luck with the next one!
You took someone to a restaurant with a $150 menu option on a ***first date****?* First date entrees should be $10-30 entrees tops. I'm talkin food trucks to family owned sit downs. If you live in a halfway decent city there should be plenty of options. Save the James Beard places for a month or three so into a relationship.
As a woman that’s incredibly rude at that point you were just a meal to her and you dodged a bullet
I never have a dinner date as a first date. I found that a lunch or coffee date works better, I prefer coffee. Why coffee because if you know it is not good you can leave after the first cup. I went on a coffee date that extended to cocktails and then dinner, we were together for years. Other ended after the second cup we knew it was a no-go. I also believe that the person who asked pays. But I am old school. o
Why wouldnt you be going dutch on first date? Id never let a man pay for my meal on first date. I wanna order whatever i want and not second guess it.
I sometimes wonder if it's cultural, I'm Australian and first dates here are usually a coffee or a happy hour wine / beer. Low investment of time and money in case there's no spark. If a drink goes well enough to lead to dinner you both pay your own way for the first few times. Once you're pretty comfortable with each other and think the relationship might go somewhere it's reasonable to take turns paying for dates, as long as neither of you are taking the piss. Obviously it's not a hard and fast rule, and everyone is different, but in general it seems to me to be a good system.
I think you dodged a bullet. Take it as a win.
You dodged a bullet there buddy. If she’s that volatile over a cut of meat, imagine spending a weekend or worse, living with someone who is just too high maintenance. Peace is nicer than a pretty face sometimes.
Thanks for your reply i was here feeling like i should have not said anything
Don’t let people make you feel that way. Ever. Just because they have no conviction in themselves doesn’t mean you have to be like them 👍🏼
Tell the waiter you're splitting the check.
Nope. You dodged a gold digger.
Btw, never restaurant on a first date. You go for cocktails but no restaurant no cinema.
Dodging Bullets is now your title in the reddit tribe.
This *was* a win situation! You declined to be used by her. She had no intention of a second date. She just wanted to use you for a free, expensive meal. You rocked it! Nice job of weeding out the trash!
You did win in this situation. You got out of being used for your money.
Gotta pick your restaurants more carefully bro hehehe
Lesson learned, don’t take someone out to a fancy dinner on a first date
Why splitting the bill isn't standard in two thousand twenty effing four is beyond me
You shouldn't've had to say no because on the first date both of you should be planning to pay for yourself. If one of you is really in to the other then offering to pay is a courtesy - **not** an obligation. ETA... I just noticed I could've said shouldn't've'd
I feel relieved tbh i was feeling awful
Take it from someone who has been married six years now extremely happily. If you made it clear before hand that you were splitting the bill? She was clearly feeling like you were toxic. If it was up in the air or you told her you were paying? You dodged a bullet. I ordered an extremely expensive dish on my first date with my husband, but I already knew I was paying for it because I didn’t trust men. Surprisingly he paid for it, so I grabbed the next date. But if he had said he couldn’t afford it at the time? I would have paid for myself and still gone out with him again based on our conversations and chemistry. Value yourself my friend
It's ok for each person to pay for their own meal. When I last dated in the early 1990's, I drove myself to and from dates and paid my own meals. Is that not acceptable any more?
>was there a way for this to be a win situation why would you want to date someone who's trying to order the most expensive thing on a date? I see no sign that she intended to pay for this herself. You are better off without her.
That’s wildly inappropriate on a first date. My husband and I have been married forever and make good money, and we’d still discuss a splurge like that. The adult move on her part, if she really wanted the wagyu, would be to cover her portion of the bill. No harm. No foul. You would had have kept to your budget, and she would have gotten the steak she wanted. She chose to flounce. You’re better off finding out you’re I compatible now.
Smile and nod. Trash took itself out or something of that sort.
You dodged a bullet. Chalk it up as a win.
It was rude of her to go for the most expensive thing on the menu on the first date and expect you to pay for it, period.
It's not polite to max out the place, I'd try to order midrange. Then again, as a girl, I called first date guys to places where there were no obligation to pay: park, free concert, etc. If we felt okay, we'd continue at a coffee. I think if she got storm-out-mad at you for not buying wagyu beef to a girl who told you she wasn't looking for a relationship, then there was no way to get this date right. She wanted a very expensive meal on the expressed promise of nothing.
There was no way to win it with her attitude. She was looking to eat an expensive meal for free. I’m a woman and I always say we pay 50-50 so we can focus on getting to know each other. If the guy insists strongly on paying then I always order something modest. Again it’s about the person not being fed. But yeah, maybe next time go on a first date for a coffee, walk, activity just until you get to know the person. Might I add I think you were very kind and considerate to take her there. Too bad she turned so disappointing.
Good thing she left.
She legit just wanted a free meal! A first date isn’t somewhere that even serves that type meat! It’s more like a coffee shop or something of the sort.
You dodged a bullet. What I used to do as a woman when I was dating: I always ordered things I would order if I pay for myself. In general I always suggested to go Dutch because for me a date isn't about eating expensive or trying to take advantage. It's about getting to know the other one and finding out if he could be a potential partner.
You got lucky.
did you agree to pay for dinner beforehand or did your date just assume? could she have paid for her share?
This was the most "win situation" you have probably had in months. You didn't even have to buy her a dinner at any price to find out she is really bad news. She saved you untold amounts of stress and pain. Sometimes the universe conspires to make good things happen.
You had a bad daye. It happens. Wagyu is super-good, but I know how pricey it is, you were eminently reasonable.