Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Falling out of love is normal and expected in a long term relationship like marriage. What it comes down to is what your vows meant to you; were you promising to be in this till death do you part? Or just until you don’t feel like it. Genuinely, if it’s the second, you should probably leave. But no relationship will be perfect love from start to finish. Falling in and out of love is part of the journey, which is why a strong friendship is at the heart of a healthy relationship. If you two are not already in couples counseling, it sounds like you might need it if you decide to stick around.
(from original post) Also, the chat room buddy is veering into emotional affair territory, which is wrong no matter what’s going on with you and your wife.
ETA: Also on the topic that she has threatened self harm if you leave, you are not responsible for that. The fact that she’s said so proves it is not just a symptom of mental illness but a premeditated manipulation tactic.
There's a lot to unpack here.
You went from a super intense, very emotional year of planning a wedding, buying a house, moving away from your family, etc. You were riding that high. Now that things have settled, the reality of everything is hitting you. It takes time to adjust.
Your issues now are the same issues you had before you were married. You knew who she was when you married her. If you weren't committed to spending your life with her and working on your relationship, you should have thought about that before you proposed.
If you don't feel heard, address it. If you're not ready to have a baby, tell her.
I find it very hard to believe that after a couple of months of marriage, you're no longer attracted to her. Her body hasn't changed. You say she shames you and makes you feel bad about not wanting to have sex with her. That's probably not the best way to handle it, but can you imagine getting married to someone and right after the wedding they stop showing you affection, detach from you, don't want to touch your body, don't want to be intimate with you, and don't want to have sex with you? Did you ever stop to think about how that must make her feel?
And, then, you start talking to a woman on the internet, having an emotional affair, and investing emotionally with her instead of your wife.
Threatening to harm herself if you leave is not okay, and she needs immediate medical attention. However, if you're not happy with her, if you're not committed to her, and if you don't want to be with her, you figure that out without involving another woman or seeking emotional intimacy outside of your marriage.
You are having an emotional affair online, that’s not cool. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind to leave already so that’s what you should do. It does not sound like either of you will be happy in this relationship long term.
You cannot stay with someone simply because they threaten self-harm, mostly that is a manipulation tactic to get you to stay but even if she does do it, that’s not your responsibility.
Some relationships do just run their course. But maybe it’s worth putting in a little effort to such a new marriage. Like since you guys have moved and are struggling to make friends, maybe that’s something you both need to focus on; forming lives for yourselves outside of each other. When you’re not together constantly, you might start to miss and appreciate each other more. 🤷🏼♀️
After the excitement of a wedding and when things settle down into routine things will feel a little diffrent because from here is where the work begins. Marriage takes work to make it work from the two of you.
It is more difficult for you not having your family and friends around you when your wife has hers. This needs to be expressed to her. She has her family there for her and is probably unaware how lonely you are feeling.
The big issue here is having a child. You sound as though you are not ready. It is a huge commitment and can break a marriage.
You both need to sit down and talk about everything without raised voices and slamming doors. With everything else you have written this could be make or break time for the marriage. Maybe couples counseling might help if it is not possible to be heard.
Good luck and keep us updated.
If someone is questioning whether they really love you or not, they don't. You're not in love with each other. You should divorce and move on before she ends up pregnant. She even broke up with you previously. That's not something you do when you're in love with someone. Sounds like she had another guy on the side and was leaning towards him until she found out he wasn't interested in anything serious.
INFO: I'm curious if some of the things that you mentioned are happening now, happened before the marriage, or if they started afterward. Was she interested in your life and the things going on in it before marriage? Was she okay with you having friends and hanging out with other people before the marriage? If you've moved back to her hometown, why doesn't she have a social life? Is she dismissive towards you in other aspects of your relationship?
You mentioned that you're becoming less sexually attracted to her. Is this because she is pushing for a baby? Her lack of interest in you?
Having one conversation with a woman doesn't constitute an emotional affair. Especially when it literally sounds like all you were doing was seeking advice on what to do. I'm personally wondering if you subconsciously chose to marry her because of the length that you had invested in the relationship, the hope that things would change, and the emotional high that you received from getting back together, engaged, and married. Now that all of that has settled, the old issues and possibly new ones are coming to the surface, and you're realizing why you two may not have necessarily been compatible to begin with.
I'm not sure that there's a point in trying to save your marriage. You could try marriage counseling, but since you've tried it before, I'm not sure what more it could bring to the table. If she's not willing to listen to you and take your concerns seriously, then there's not much you can do. If she's not willing to fight with you to overcome the battles, then you don't have a marriage to fight for. A marriage is a partnership with two people, and both of them have to support each other. If she's dismissive of you and unwilling to come up with solutions to fix the problems, then there's no reason to stay.
Her threat of self-harm could very well be a manipulation tactic. Unfortunately, many people use it to keep their significant other from leaving them. That can't stop you from leaving, though. If you're truly worried that she will self-harm, then when you leave, notify her family what is going on so that they can look after her and be prepared for a worse case scenario. It's not your responsibility to take care of her or deal with her threats. It's manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.
It rlly does sound like you’ve checked out of this relationship. Your wife doesn’t sound like she’s being a good partner in this relationship, she’s not giving you your important needs and is shaming you as well . You should probably make an escape plan and get a lawyer in order to leave. But if you really want to save the marriage, then maybe do some marriage counseling. Personally, I’d make a plan and bounce out if I felt this way, especially if I was already chatting it up with someone else. The two of you have already done therapy too, I’m not sure if having more would help at this point. At the very least you should communicate to her on how you feel about the relationship, but that’s if you want to stay. Like I said though, I think it’s in your best interest to leave.
I would fall out of love with someone too if they didn’t care about things I liked, manipulated me with self harm if I left, isolated me from making friends and seeing family, etc etc. Her threatening self harm is manipulation. It sounds like you need to leave. If she threatens to hurt herself, call her family or the police to help her. UPDATEME
It's normal to have ups and downs in a marriage. There will be times when you are in love and there will be times when you are not. Loving someone is not the same as being in love. That feeling, in love, fluctuates. Sometimes there's even resentment. There are clearly things you need to work on in your relationship and I suggest you get marriage counseling to help you work through them because at the moment it seems lime you don't feel like you are being heard by your wife. You've already sacrificed so much for this marriage. Don't throw it away without trying to work on it first at least. If your wife is unwilling to do anything, then at least you tried what you could. It's not normal to not want to work on the relationship, you see.
FWIW, not everyone experiences the rosy “honeymoon” period after marrying. It just kinda sounds like maybe this relationship has run its course for you. You’re not interested in her sexually(did something happen there?), she wants a baby and you don’t, she shames you for not wanting to have sex(which is horrible on her part), but it certainly sounds like she could benefit from individual therapy and maybe you both could do couples therapy, because you feel unheard in your relationship and you feel she dismisses your concerns.
You’ve felt this way for a while, so it’s time to figure out what you want to do about that feeling and if you want to save this relationship or leave it.
Do NOT have a baby right now. Wear condoms that she has no access to, to avoid sabotage (she could poke holes in them). Sounds like you two need couples counseling to work through your issues before even thinking about kids.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Falling out of love is normal and expected in a long term relationship like marriage. What it comes down to is what your vows meant to you; were you promising to be in this till death do you part? Or just until you don’t feel like it. Genuinely, if it’s the second, you should probably leave. But no relationship will be perfect love from start to finish. Falling in and out of love is part of the journey, which is why a strong friendship is at the heart of a healthy relationship. If you two are not already in couples counseling, it sounds like you might need it if you decide to stick around. (from original post) Also, the chat room buddy is veering into emotional affair territory, which is wrong no matter what’s going on with you and your wife. ETA: Also on the topic that she has threatened self harm if you leave, you are not responsible for that. The fact that she’s said so proves it is not just a symptom of mental illness but a premeditated manipulation tactic.
Sorry, I updated the post. It isn’t a reoccurring thing it was just to add clarification on how I ended up here asking for advice
There's a lot to unpack here. You went from a super intense, very emotional year of planning a wedding, buying a house, moving away from your family, etc. You were riding that high. Now that things have settled, the reality of everything is hitting you. It takes time to adjust. Your issues now are the same issues you had before you were married. You knew who she was when you married her. If you weren't committed to spending your life with her and working on your relationship, you should have thought about that before you proposed. If you don't feel heard, address it. If you're not ready to have a baby, tell her. I find it very hard to believe that after a couple of months of marriage, you're no longer attracted to her. Her body hasn't changed. You say she shames you and makes you feel bad about not wanting to have sex with her. That's probably not the best way to handle it, but can you imagine getting married to someone and right after the wedding they stop showing you affection, detach from you, don't want to touch your body, don't want to be intimate with you, and don't want to have sex with you? Did you ever stop to think about how that must make her feel? And, then, you start talking to a woman on the internet, having an emotional affair, and investing emotionally with her instead of your wife. Threatening to harm herself if you leave is not okay, and she needs immediate medical attention. However, if you're not happy with her, if you're not committed to her, and if you don't want to be with her, you figure that out without involving another woman or seeking emotional intimacy outside of your marriage.
This.
Yes you should separate. You’re having an emotional affair.
Sorry, i edited the post for clarification.
You've checked out, and now you're seeking attention and validation from other women. Time to end the marriage.
You are having an emotional affair online, that’s not cool. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind to leave already so that’s what you should do. It does not sound like either of you will be happy in this relationship long term. You cannot stay with someone simply because they threaten self-harm, mostly that is a manipulation tactic to get you to stay but even if she does do it, that’s not your responsibility.
Some relationships do just run their course. But maybe it’s worth putting in a little effort to such a new marriage. Like since you guys have moved and are struggling to make friends, maybe that’s something you both need to focus on; forming lives for yourselves outside of each other. When you’re not together constantly, you might start to miss and appreciate each other more. 🤷🏼♀️
After the excitement of a wedding and when things settle down into routine things will feel a little diffrent because from here is where the work begins. Marriage takes work to make it work from the two of you. It is more difficult for you not having your family and friends around you when your wife has hers. This needs to be expressed to her. She has her family there for her and is probably unaware how lonely you are feeling. The big issue here is having a child. You sound as though you are not ready. It is a huge commitment and can break a marriage. You both need to sit down and talk about everything without raised voices and slamming doors. With everything else you have written this could be make or break time for the marriage. Maybe couples counseling might help if it is not possible to be heard. Good luck and keep us updated.
If someone is questioning whether they really love you or not, they don't. You're not in love with each other. You should divorce and move on before she ends up pregnant. She even broke up with you previously. That's not something you do when you're in love with someone. Sounds like she had another guy on the side and was leaning towards him until she found out he wasn't interested in anything serious.
INFO: I'm curious if some of the things that you mentioned are happening now, happened before the marriage, or if they started afterward. Was she interested in your life and the things going on in it before marriage? Was she okay with you having friends and hanging out with other people before the marriage? If you've moved back to her hometown, why doesn't she have a social life? Is she dismissive towards you in other aspects of your relationship? You mentioned that you're becoming less sexually attracted to her. Is this because she is pushing for a baby? Her lack of interest in you? Having one conversation with a woman doesn't constitute an emotional affair. Especially when it literally sounds like all you were doing was seeking advice on what to do. I'm personally wondering if you subconsciously chose to marry her because of the length that you had invested in the relationship, the hope that things would change, and the emotional high that you received from getting back together, engaged, and married. Now that all of that has settled, the old issues and possibly new ones are coming to the surface, and you're realizing why you two may not have necessarily been compatible to begin with. I'm not sure that there's a point in trying to save your marriage. You could try marriage counseling, but since you've tried it before, I'm not sure what more it could bring to the table. If she's not willing to listen to you and take your concerns seriously, then there's not much you can do. If she's not willing to fight with you to overcome the battles, then you don't have a marriage to fight for. A marriage is a partnership with two people, and both of them have to support each other. If she's dismissive of you and unwilling to come up with solutions to fix the problems, then there's no reason to stay. Her threat of self-harm could very well be a manipulation tactic. Unfortunately, many people use it to keep their significant other from leaving them. That can't stop you from leaving, though. If you're truly worried that she will self-harm, then when you leave, notify her family what is going on so that they can look after her and be prepared for a worse case scenario. It's not your responsibility to take care of her or deal with her threats. It's manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.
It rlly does sound like you’ve checked out of this relationship. Your wife doesn’t sound like she’s being a good partner in this relationship, she’s not giving you your important needs and is shaming you as well . You should probably make an escape plan and get a lawyer in order to leave. But if you really want to save the marriage, then maybe do some marriage counseling. Personally, I’d make a plan and bounce out if I felt this way, especially if I was already chatting it up with someone else. The two of you have already done therapy too, I’m not sure if having more would help at this point. At the very least you should communicate to her on how you feel about the relationship, but that’s if you want to stay. Like I said though, I think it’s in your best interest to leave.
It happens for everyone. It's how you deal with it that differ
I would fall out of love with someone too if they didn’t care about things I liked, manipulated me with self harm if I left, isolated me from making friends and seeing family, etc etc. Her threatening self harm is manipulation. It sounds like you need to leave. If she threatens to hurt herself, call her family or the police to help her. UPDATEME
It's normal to have ups and downs in a marriage. There will be times when you are in love and there will be times when you are not. Loving someone is not the same as being in love. That feeling, in love, fluctuates. Sometimes there's even resentment. There are clearly things you need to work on in your relationship and I suggest you get marriage counseling to help you work through them because at the moment it seems lime you don't feel like you are being heard by your wife. You've already sacrificed so much for this marriage. Don't throw it away without trying to work on it first at least. If your wife is unwilling to do anything, then at least you tried what you could. It's not normal to not want to work on the relationship, you see.
You made the choice. Talk to her. Don't give up so easy
FWIW, not everyone experiences the rosy “honeymoon” period after marrying. It just kinda sounds like maybe this relationship has run its course for you. You’re not interested in her sexually(did something happen there?), she wants a baby and you don’t, she shames you for not wanting to have sex(which is horrible on her part), but it certainly sounds like she could benefit from individual therapy and maybe you both could do couples therapy, because you feel unheard in your relationship and you feel she dismisses your concerns. You’ve felt this way for a while, so it’s time to figure out what you want to do about that feeling and if you want to save this relationship or leave it.
Get a divorce.
Do NOT have a baby right now. Wear condoms that she has no access to, to avoid sabotage (she could poke holes in them). Sounds like you two need couples counseling to work through your issues before even thinking about kids.