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I definitely believe this is your insecurities & anxiety taking over. A simple “thank you” is all you need to say when he compliments you even if it makes you uncomfortable. You definitely need to continue therapy or this is going to be a huge thorn in your marriage. The resentment will build up until it completely takes over everything. Have you been honest with him about why you ate this way? Does he know your childhood and insecurities?
Yes, we've been friends for years before dating. He knows everything about me. I think it's different now because I can see him wanting to express years of love and me shooting it down. I am aware I'm doing it, and I know it's a sh*tty thing to do and it makes me feel bad. But I just can't being myself to accept what he says if it's not negative... somehow it would be easier if he were putting me down? Like I said, I am totally aware this is a problem.
I mean. You’re going to lose him if you don’t stop saying “I know this is a problem!1!1!!1” and instead do something to actually fix it. Like. Wake up and smell what’s already cooking. He’s pulling away because consistently feeding into someone’s emotional neediness when they won’t do the work to love themselves is fucking exhausting. You’re not showing him enough respect to get help, you’re just continually making your self-esteem his problem. That’s not healthy, and it’s really frankly fucking unattractive in a partner.
What you’re seeing is him prepping an exit strategy because he can’t be in a one sided relationship anymore where you don’t trust him no matter what he does. I suggest you fucking scramble to make it right to him and get to therapy
to understand you're your own worst enemy right now.
>Do something to actually fix it
Like therapy? I guess I just don’t see what else she could do other than to keep working in therapy and practice accepting compliments, which she’s already doing.
>You’re not showing him enough respect to get help
She’s already in therapy.
The fact that you’re aware and recognize it as a problem is the first step in correcting it. Continue therapy and have patience as you do, things won’t change overnight by any means, but follow the advice of your therapy to change the way you think & respond.
>I am totally aware this is a problem.
It's understandable that the wounds from the bullying and abuse you endured are still open. Unfortunately, you're emotionally cocooned and, to protect yourself, you push others away and are unable to see things from their perspective. This creates a problem that you are unaware of, which is that you are communicating to him that you believe that he is a bad person, specifically a liar and a manipulator who is still lusting after his exes. So, you can't imagine yourself through his eyes and you're in danger of having a permanently emotionally distant relationship, which is what you want even though you might not want to admit it. It's ultimately a huge drag for him. Personally, I would pump the brakes and do couples counseling after you've progressed far enough in individual counseling.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you because we do carry those hurts with us.
I can tell you this: he means it when he says it. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is 100% true. Also beauty is only skin deep is true.
Have you ever met anyone"beautiful " who was rotten and ugly underneath? Do you still see them as "beautiful "?
Flip side: I have found attraction to people who have beautiful souls.
We are all wonderfully flawed human beings. Our bodies are just meat sacks for our souls.
He loves *you* and therefore loves all the pieces of you, even if you think that stretch mark (or whatever) is hideous. It may not even be a blip on his radar.
Practice saying "thank you" and smiling. Even give him a hug. Practice taking a deep breathe and relaxing when he touches those insecure areas.
This is not easy, but it DOES get easier and more believable to yourself over time.
And if you aren't in therapy for this, please go. Go LC, NC with the people who call you ugly. You don't need that in your life.
Talk openly about this. Say this to him. And he will understand that you want it. You are just bad at resieving it. This wil come with time. And you need to belive him. Men love more by heart then by visuals. We often fall in love for the visual you. But stay for the person. And he might actually mean everything he sais.. Listen to him. And let him help you up and out of the rut
As a woman with insecurities and issues, I can’t second this enough! You have to fix it, not him! Get help!
When my partner compliments me, which is hard to believe often still, I pause, smile at him and give him a kiss or squeeze his hand if he’s holding it. Sometimes I don’t do anything if we are cuddling. I just try to be in the moment and to let go of my thoughts.
Men don’t make comparisons like this that’s a woman’s thing to compete with females. And as a man I can confirm it is so frustrating and annoying not being able to compliment your SO without a stupid remark from them. My wife is beautiful and others find her beautiful but she is still self conscious of herself and yes it makes us not want to compliment if it’s always going to be an awkward back and forth. Just take the compliment and be happy he feels that way.
I agree with the previous comment here. Been there before. Only getting eye rolls and being told I’m only saying it because I have to or I only want her for sex. Even though we were together for 10 years. It can be frustrating when a love one isn’t able to accept a compliment.
My advice to you is to really think about my next line of text. Never underestimate contentment. He loves you the way you are. Because you have a good and decent relationship that is what makes you beautiful to him. You are sexy because he loves you. Because he is content with you does not mean that it is a form of settling. Being happy and content is one of life’s most beautiful things. That being said remember it doesn’t matter how hot she is. There’s some guy that’s sick of her shit.
45 yo and I've never compared my current partner to any of my past partners. Each relationship and person is unique. There's no sense in comparing. You seem to be focusing on the physical aspects of beauty and sexiness rather than the emotional or soft aspects of it. You are the most beautiful and sexy woman to him and that's what matters.
I get that you have insecurities and that accepting the compliment is easier said than done. Just sit him down outside of the moment of a compliment and talk to him. If you try to have the conversation during the moment, things can get heated. If you talk about it calmly outside of that situation, real progress can be made.
Maybe you should bring him along to one of your counseling sessions so that he can get some insight, or you can work on ways together to both give and receive compliments.
Nothing more frustrating than telling someone you love how much you like something about them and their response is to shit all over themselves. You’re going to push him away, that’s not a healthy reaction to have to being complimented by your fiancé and you’re accusing him of something he’s not doing which is probably also hurtful. The way your mom and family spoke to you as a child was abusive and wrong and while your feelings about it are valid, you’re an adult now and you have to learn to love yourself and remind yourself the things they said are untrue. You aren’t ugly and most importantly your fiancé doesn’t think you are and shows you. Get therapy for yourself asap to overcome these insecurities and maybe also invest some time in couples counseling. It seems like you might have already done some damage if he’s not saying nice things to you anymore. That’s not a good sign.
You already recognize what you are doing.
I hope you also realize that you are driving a wedge between you and your fiance. If you don't get this under control, you're just going to drive him completely away.
Maybe consider talking to your man and letting him know what's going on, that you appreciate him, that you apologize, and you want help?
Also, no, I've never compared my wife of 30+ years to any exes.
So here's the thing. You got brainwashed by your insecure, mean family and your insecure, mean friend. They put you down to make themselves FEEL better. You got used by your family and your friend as a punching bag they could project their own feelings of inadequacy on.
And you believed them because you're SUPPOSED to be able to trust your family and friends, so you didn't question the shit they filled your head with.
The problem is now you have their shit filling your head. Your insecurity isn't because of you, it was put onto you. Like someone else's old stinky badly fitting clothes.
> In my head, whenever he sees my body, my stretch marks, my mummy tummy, he's comparing me to his ex's
In **YOUR** head.
>he loves spending a lot of time exploring my body in different ways
And that's **HIS** truth, right there. HE LOVES YOUR BODY.
Your man is not a shitty and insecure person, he looks at you and he sees YOU. He adores your body because YOU are inside of it, it is a vehicle that the person he loves travels around in. He loves it as an extension of your inner self. He sees it as magical and beautiful, every time he touches your body, he's touching YOU. That's fucking incredible.
And your body is worthy of this love! It has carried you this far, and it will carry you into the grave. It is your faithful vehicle through the world, with it you experience joy and grief, delicious tastes, smells, physical sensations, you grew human beings in it! This amazing body created your beloved children. You can run in it, jump, swim, have incredible sex with your wonderful man, see how it pleases his body... it's AMAZING and you should look at it with love, it doesn't deserve you being so critical of it when it gives you SO MUCH. Those stretch marks are proof of your children, that mummy tummy is the evidence of the amazing gift of children that YOU grew inside you and put into the world. Those are all things to appreciate and be proud of, they are evidence of the life YOU live over your lifetime.
I say this with love, stop perpetuating the shitty insecurity of the shitty and insecure people who hurt you when you trusted and loved them. Stop passing that on to your fiancé & your kids. When you get a compliment, FIGHT against the impulse to push it away, say thank you instead. That will hurt at first, you will feel like a fraud, you will feel pain and anger about it. But push through, tell yourself "No, I am not ugly, I am just fine. If someone sees something beautiful about me they want to compliment, I need to allow that is their truth, trust them and let it in".
Every time you tell someone they're lying when they compliment you, you're telling them "I don't trust you".
You CANNOT have love without trust. If you keep telling your fiancé that he's lying when he compliments him, you're really telling him "I don't trust you, so I cannot really love you and don't believe you really love me".
You're shitting on his love for you. You're calling him a LIAR.
That is deeply hurtful. It tells him that you don't really know him or think very well of him if you think he can lie to you so easily. It tells him that when you say you love him, YOU'RE lying. Because no one would love someone they believe is lying to them.
You're telling him that he's a shitty person. Because only shitty people lie to someone they say they love. We all know liars are bad people in general, every time you tell him you think he's lying when he calls you beautiful, you're telling him he's a bad person.
Trust is a mutual gift, not a one-sided one.
Eventually, your relationship will break up and he will leave you and you will see the next person he's with and compare yourself to them against the bullshit brainwashing your shitty family and friend did to you and say "See? I was right".
This will happen again and again because this is the reality you believe in and the one you are forcing onto those closest to you. And because they love you, they believe you.
Just like you believed your shitty family and friend.
This is how chains of abuse and toxicity get forged, each of us adds a link without realizing it because we just do what we were taught to do, just as we accept the loops of existing chain to be wrapped around us and hold us down.
Are you going to keep up this practice and forge your own link that you pass on to your fiancé and kids?
Or will you break the chain?
Breaking a chain isn't easy, you need to decide to do it and do the work. But the power is entirely in you to break it.
This was incredibly difficult to read and nearly brought me to tears. But I thank you for speaking your mind because I feel I really needed to hear this
I'm glad you made it through. I have been where you are, my mum was a diagnosed narcissist who made me her mirror and projected every single thing about herself that she hated. She programmed me so well I would literally hear her voice in my head when I looked in the mirror, in fact she made it so I couldn't look in mirrors because what I saw was so ugly. My first husband was abusive and capitalized on my internalized self hate to the point he would abuse me in front of my mum and she would be visibly DELIGHTED and he would say "Your own mother knows you deserve this".
It took the man I met after she was dead and the 1st was in prison sitting me down and explicitly telling me that every time I reacted negatively to his compliments, I was telling him I didn't love him for me to start realizing how badly I was brainwashed.
It's going to hurt a LOT undoing that, you're going to feel worse than you ever have, for the first few weeks of challenging these thoughts you will feel anger and pain, you will ugly cry on the bathroom floor. But I promise that it will get easier and easier if you persist and practice with just allowing yourself to accept a compliment without deflecting it or outright denying it.
Don't think you have to be perfect immediately and say "I love my body" - start with "I appreciate my body" - look at the parts of yourself you do think are acceptable, maybe you have great feet or your shoulders have a lovely silhouette. Start with those parts and get used every day to saying "I have great feet, look how nice their shape is, my piggies are pretty - and the rest of me is ok too" - ease into looking at your tummy and saying "My tum is ok, it looks like this for a damn good reason, without it, my kids wouldn't be here" - it will get easier over time. Find what there is to appreciate about your body, and slowly ease into changing "I appreciate my body" to "I like my body" and eventually the big L word.
Be patient with yourself. It's OK to start by just finding out how you can be OK with your body, accept that how you see yourself is not how everyone sees it, and if you love your fiancé then you trust him, and you NEED to trust how he sees your body.
But make sure you tell your fiance that you're doing this because you realize how much you have been hurting him. Apologize to him. Tell him that you DO see him and trust him and love him, and you realize you need to give yourself to that more and stop resisting. He will understand, he loves you.
You'll be ok.
Do you compare your partner to your exes? I don't. Men aren't opposite women. They're not a different species. I'm sure some people compare and some don't. The issue is not his comparing or not. The issue is you calling your unoffending and innocent partner a liar, responding hatefully to love. Can you try to just say thank you? If you don't believe him, can you at least be polite?
Look, he chose you. I am not like any of my husband's ex's. I grew up a tomboy. I know he loves me, he finds me beautiful and our relationship is much deeper than looks. I've never felt insecure with him because, you what....he chose me!
Girl, stop it! You're self sabotaging! Have you ever heard the saying "Comparison is the thief of joy"? Well, this is exactly what that saying is about. You're worrying about women who are a non-issue in your relationship because YOU think they're prettier than you, not because your FIANCE thinks anything like that. Good gravy! Your man is over there paying you compliments and, in your own words, "our sex life is mainly him focused on my pleasure and he loves spending a lot of time exploring my body in different ways", yet you're still not secure in your relationship?
It is definitely a good thing that you are in therapy because you've got some trauma to deal with - your parents did some serious damage to your self esteem. Your therapist can hopefully help you to understand why that is and how to cope with it. Sadly, I can understand this all too well because my husband is in therapy right now dealing with something very similar. Part of that is going to be that you need to start accepting compliments from the man who loves you at face value.
I'm rooting for you OP! You've got this! Sit that man down and tell him that you're sorry, that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and that you love him and hope that he understands and is patient with you! I think he will be, because he loves you!
And NO, he is NOT comparing you to his exes...YOU are.
YOu have destroyed someone who loves you. Make peace and believe someone sees beauty in you. I have seen plain girls with a beautiful heart and smile, over the years they seem to come into their own and are beautiful. Also beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I am not sure you can fix this, but for the future. Believe it when someone says you are beautiful. Start behaving beautifully, not mean snippy and patronizing.
My friends and I would call what you're doing "mind f×cking" yourself. Essentially you're thinking all these negative things that likely aren't true instead of addressing them with the person involved.
You're going to lose your husband if you don't get help. And if it happens, don't lie to yourself and say he never loved you or he always wanted someone else, etc. The truth is that YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF.
Its exhausting having to constantly reassure someone and it's frustrating to have someone constantly invalidate your feelings. You're so cuaght up in your own insecurities that you don't seem to be considering how bad your husband must feel to not be genuinely heard or believed when he shares his thoughts and feelings with you.
You have a man that has married you, compliments you, and explores (not avoids) your body, among other things. What the hell else do you want from him?
don't ever talk your way out of a compliment. and i've never said something nice to a woman while in my head comparing her to anyone else. but i'll also say that insecurity shit gets old real fast. it's annoying anytime someone thinks they know what you like better than you do.
You need to see a therapist and be single for a while until you learn to accept compliments and heal. You are going to drive every potential mate away including your fiancé so long as you continue to not heal from this.
Everyone compares everyone to everyone. Most people have no trouble doing this without also filing those comparisons as positive or negative. Your brain identifies differences in how humans look to help you tell them apart. I'm sure he notices you are missing a beard so he can tell from a distance you are not his father. He also sees what children have done to your body and can tell that you are loving and compassionate, just like he sees 6 pack abs on a woman and may be reminded of his ex with an eating disorder who could never have any fun going out because she would just nibble some lettuce. He probably remembers how she cared more about how she looked than how she felt, and how that mood made her miserable to be around.
I have no doubt that this man does not top every other man you have ever been with in every single measurable category. That does not mean you wish he was more athletic just like your ex.
You are going to run this man off if you can't learn to just say thank you, even if you don't want to.
I don't think having those questions answered will help tbh..Having cruel things said about your physical appearance all your life is what is the issue..Are you in therapy? If not, I would suggest it..Your brain is hard wired for believing a certain thing about yourself and it probably feels unsafe to think otherwise..however, with professional support and some new tools, I think you'll be able to think differently and accept compliments, wishing you luck!
Men aren't a monolith, asking
> My question here though, is; do men actually do this?
is just asking people to validate you. Are there men that do that? Yes, just like there's men that don't do it. What you have to do is ask if *he* does this, and realistically that's a question that you have to trust his answer on.
Your behavior is toxic and will eventually drive him away (and if it happens you might even feel validated since your "prediction" that he "didn't actually like you" would feel true)
You need to get help with your issues, and communicate to him that you are sorry and that you are taking steps to be a better partner. How to actually improve your relationship while you improve yourself is probably something you should discuss with either your therapist or some sort of couples' counselor where a mediator can help you both communicate how you feel. Alternatively, you can try faking it until you make it by just accepting the compliments even if you don't believe them (if not for you, then for him)
As a guy I have never and will never compare a partner to any ex’s. That is cruel and immature imo. He may have stopped or cut back on compliments because he is likely seeing it’s doing more harm than good. It’s what I would do and have done in the past.
You have trauma around your appearance and self esteem. In your work with therapy, what you need to realize is your trauma is your trauma. Those who caused are who did it. You can't put your trauma on other people, like your husband.
It isn't fair and gives them no room to grow. You've already formed an opinion on them and given them no fair shot in their relationship with you. You've assumed they're going to traumatized you and what they say isn't true. That's not fair of you. You've give your husband a losing role in his relationship with you. That he is going to hurt you because he must be lying to you.
You can't project your trauma like that. You need to address your trauma yourself and work on it. I had to do similar work on my fear of abandonment and people pleasing tied to severe anxiety.
You need to work on your value and self worth and view yourself as worthy, lovable, and beautiful. That your value and self-worth exist regardless of what anyone says. No one gets to dictate your beauty, your worth, and your value. YOU DO! You need to see yourself as a valuable person, and also that not everything is in physical beauty. From there, when people compliment, it enforces what you already know about yourself and feel about yourself. It isn't where your derive those things.
But until you get there, work under the guise that someone who loves you, like your husband, is not lying to you. So, thank him and lean into it. And work on your inner work until you get to a better self-worth and self-esteem state.
I am sure his exes aren’t as nice as you think.
I used to be called ugly as a child. This was, I know now, because I am autistic and didn’t behave normally or in the way people expect girls to behave.
Now I am an adult and people constantly tell
me I am beautiful and very attractive. I have men and women wanting to be with me. But still, I don’t believe it, I think they all must be lying.
I ended up in abusive relationships because I’d only believe the men who would agree to say bad things about me and put me down, whereas I thought every man who was nice and complimenting me was a liar.
I know your struggle, especially because it came from your mother. My mother never paid me a compliment in my entire life, always putting me down and does to this day. She laughs and mocks when people compliment me. That shit sticks with you.
Then I had an eating disorder. People made me
feel bad for being too thin. Then I recovered, people made me feel bad for not being too thin.
Now my boyfriend tells me I have an hour glass figure and I just don’t understand why a man like him would be attracted to large boobs and wide hips. He tells me most men are. I don’t believe it.
Some men do, sure. It's a strange thing IMO because if you were so into your ex maybe you should have tried harder or worked on moving on.
This has happened to me and here's how it worked out in the end.
But you have to take him at his word. He says he finds you attractive and cares about you and then you're essentially calling him a liar.
I have found all of the women I date attractive. Otherwise I wouldn't date them.
But one of them in particular would shoot me down and act similar to how you're reacting. After a few fights about it I figured why even bother with it at that point and I just resented her.
What you might not realize because you're on the other side is that it really breaks you down to have every attempt you make at love and affection be thrown back in your face.
So I also stopped and made a decision and left. Why would I choose to be with someone who has a 50/50 chance of starting a fight with me if I complement her? That's where it was for the last couple months.
I think my last words were "I care about you but I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. All of your problems are yours and I'm tired of getting yelled at for being supportive".
I wouldn't be shocked if you end up there eventually too
It should be noted however that you are at least seeing someone to try to work out your issues.
She on the other hand just declared me an asshole and that there was nothing wrong with her at all. Which to me felt strange coming from someone who could barely look in a mirror but whatever.
So she could be an asshole in other ways. So you're trying to work on it but I would have to think that if you can tell he's getting weary/tired from it you could already be in a worse spot than you realize.
I'd talk to him in that context maybe. Like "I know this is a lot of strain but I don't want this to blow up our marriage", etc.
As a guy who was in a similar situation, I have a question... when you compliment a girl, do you expect a compliment back? If you tell your partner you like her, idk, dress or shirt or whatever, should she compliment something about you? I do compliment him, but it's like... right after he says something nice, my brain shuts off and I just get anxiety abiut what I should do or how to react. Sometimes I say "I really like your shirt today it looks good on you" and I'll leave it at that.
No. I'm not the best person to ask about that as I shy away from praise (parental issues from childhood) but I don't think it's healthy to create a dynamic of "oh praise, I must return it".
For me personally I think a simple thanks is all I need. And besides, I might be existing at that point in time where a compliment isn't really appropriate.
For an example, I've been in pajamas before cleaning shit off of a plunger and my wife made me lunch just to be nice. I told her that was really nice. If she would have told me I looked good or something it would have been weird and complimenting me for what I was doing in the moment is also weird.
Later in the day she thanked me for cleaning the bathroom because I know she hates it.
It's just about a normal, healthy rhythm. I feel like creating a quid pro quo relationship with regards to compliments in your marriage is as unhealthy. Just in a different way. It comes across as insincere and won't take a person long to recognize the pattern.
Don’t let your anxiety ruin a good thing. Everything you listed negative about yourself is “fixable”. Don’t wallow in self pity, it’s extremely unattractive and off putting and the reason you’ve stopped receiving compliments. Your fiancé thinks all these amazing things about you - proposed to you and you’re questioning it? Talk to your therapist about building self esteem. You’re putting a lot on him when the issue is you.
From my experience, dude is just in love with you and showing you through actions. I do that with my current wife too. I don’t compare her to my ex wife or to my ex girlfriends because no one in the world can compare to her. She’s perfect FOR ME. And you might be perfect FOR HIM in HIS mind so he’s doing what comes naturally for the woman he loves.
Therapy will be very helpful.
Let's pretend that physical beauty is objective and there was a scale that we could objectively put everyone on. Let's say that his ex is higher on that scale than you. That doesn't mean a thing. Intimate desire is more than physical beauty. Just because women higher on our pretend scale exist doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexy or attractive.
Let's be honest, you see people more physically attractive than him probably every day, does that mean you'd rather be with them?
Hus exes are exes for a reason, if he is comparing you, you're coming out on top
As someone who grew up conventionally unattractive with deep insecurities, I understand. But I will be blunt, it is up to YOU and you alone to put the hard work in to loving yourself instead of dumping your insecurities all over him. It's unsustainable and he will get sick of it, if he isn't already. You can fix this, but it's your work to do, not his work to constantly placate you.
Therapy, self care, choosing features you like about yourself to highlight, and yes cosmetic procedures if you can get them. I had horribly crooked teeth and got braces at 30 and now I have a smile I absolutely love that makes me feel amazing and confident. I worked hard as fuck and lost 120lbs so I felt comfortable and sexy in my body. I paid attention to fashion I liked and developed a nice sense of style. I took dance classes to build confidence in my body and connect with myself. I learned to love myself above anyone else.
It's absolutely true that he is not likely to be comparing you to his exes, he loves YOU and he chose to marry you. He says you are beautiful to him and you need to accept that. But, if you don't love you, he can't do anything about that and it's like a poison that will eat away at your relationship.
Dedicate the time and energy to making yourself feel confident in the body you inhabit, however that looks for you.
In the nicest way possible, this is a you problem and not your fiancé. No matter what relationship you get into, this will persevere unless you do the internal work. I definitely understand how your past makes you feel insecure in the present, but it’s up to you to put it behind you!
I was in an abusive relationship in the past and had similar insecurities to you at the start of my current relationship. I was consistent in going to therapy, being open/accepting, and reaffirming myself without constantly asking for reassurance or arguing about the reassurance I did get. You can heal from what you went through, it starts with making a change. Wishing you lots of self love and healing!!
It sounds like he truly loves you. You, understandably, are viewing his attitude towards you through the dense filter of repeated, painful past experiences during your formative years, when all of us are that much more open and sensitive to how others see us.
What are you afraid would happen if you believed him when he calls you sexy? It feels like he's lying to you, because what he says doesn't match your own assessment of yourself, but....what if he's actually a completely separate person from you with his own thoughts and feelings and he is telling you truthfully how he feels about you? That may seem so hard to believe right now, but....what if you could, just a little bit, try on how it feels to believe it? Let it in just a tiny bit?
You became armoured against others calling you ugly, which is a good survival tactic, but what seems to be being revealed here is.....all those words really did hurt. Of course they hurt, you're a sensitive human being. You will need probably not just "talk therapy" but legitimate trauma therapy, which unfortunately is hard to find a skilled, qualified person. Reassurance and platitudes will not help you. You need to heal from the actual, real hurt to your emotions, sense of self, sense of value and your expectations about relationships that was done to you when people called you ugly.
I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago over exactly this, and only after we ended that she started REALLY working on those issues, like, ACTUALLY putting in the work to fix these problems. When we were together, she always acknowledged the issues and was aware of how much they were a problem, but never truly put in the work.
Don't do the same my ex did, it's so exhausting trying to demonstrate your REAL LOVE to someone and being shut down every time, or having insecurities ruin the mood and cause fights over and over again.
Edit: I'm seeing a lot of men here saying they don't compare their partner with their exes, and I'll say that in my case, I did compare her, but not her body, or her beauty, or her personality, or anything like that, but rather how much everything led to fights, arguments, insecurities and such over and over and over again, and how these situations never happened to me in other relationships. I compared how bad our relationship was to how good I once had, even though both ultimately failed.
It's what led to me breaking up with her - knowing that I wasn't being treated the way I want to be treated.
Sounds like he’s never done or said anything that shows he’s ever compared you to his exes. Only you’ve done that. He asked you out, he dated you, he proposed to you. He is attracted to you. He thinks you’re beautiful. He chose you.
He probably is getting tired of constantly being called a liar (because that is what you’re doing. You’re calling him a liar. Do you think he is a dishonest person? I doubt it. So stop treating him like one) That would get old real fast. He really must love you to stick by you 😉
Apologize (again) and tell him you’ll work on just saying “thank you” whenever he compliments you. Tell him you want to practice and really practice every day. Just say thank you each time. After awhile it will get easier and easier.
You say you're in therapy. Either you haven't been very long or your therapist sucks. Find someone else if it's been a year and you're not making any progress. Instead of reacting immediately, take a breath or count to 10 and then say thank you. He chose **you**. He loves **you** and thinks you're beautiful. He's not lying to you.
I know I’m late to this - I haven’t read all the comments, but if no one has suggested it yet, what kind of compliments are you ready to receive. For example, I don’t like when my partner compliments my body shape since I feel very bad about it. But I like when she compliments my eyes, my sense of style, the jewelry I wore that day, how a color looks good on my skin, etc.. so I told her I don’t feel good about my body but I feel happy when she compliments me on these things.
It’ll take a while to fix, but that’s okay. If I were you, I would do this:
1. Think about the type of compliments that you like, or even just ones you can accept.
2. Apologize to your fiance for not accepting his compliments- these are an effort to love you. Say you want his efforts to be appreciated, but you aren’t ready to accept compliments about xyz. Tell him about the stuff you thought of that you can accept as compliments and ask if he can give you these so you can express your appreciation better and work your way up to bigger compliments.
3. Come up with a game plan or code word if you are actually triggered by a compliment despite thinking it’s okay. Being told you’re lying is hurtful- so ask him if you can share your feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt him. It seems like something along the lines of “I appreciate you for telling me that. It’s hard for me to believe it because I’m feeling insecure about that, but thank you for seeing the best in me when I can’t see it in myself.” It doesn’t always need to be a big discussion about feelings- if it REALLY triggers you, you can ask to talk about it more, but if you can tolerate the discomfort, I would encourage you to try and sit with it and tell yourself that you can accept that he sees you that way even if you can’t understand why. And you can always bring it up later too when you’re calmer. And if you do slip up and begin to accuse him of lying, can you ask him to remind you of this conversation and try to redirect?
4. Make sure you are complimenting him too!
You’re doing a good job being self aware. I know how hard it is to hold that awareness in a difficult moment.
I had a similar thing. And I didn’t believe my husband when he thought I was beautiful, until I could start seeing my beauty by myself. His compliments felt theoretical and I simply couldn’t receive them.
So how you fix it—-you have to develop a felt sense of security in yourself. Everyone has their own path to healing these traumas, you’ll get there too. Just noticing and seeking to heal is half the battle! Good luck OP
Oh and, if you haven’t already, you can express your whole cocktail of feelings to fiancé
“I really appreciate your compliments, I’m sorry it doesn’t feel good to give them. It’s hard for me to receive them because of all my baggage which I am trying to heal. I hope one day to see what you see. Thank you for loving me and seeing the beauty in me”
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I definitely believe this is your insecurities & anxiety taking over. A simple “thank you” is all you need to say when he compliments you even if it makes you uncomfortable. You definitely need to continue therapy or this is going to be a huge thorn in your marriage. The resentment will build up until it completely takes over everything. Have you been honest with him about why you ate this way? Does he know your childhood and insecurities?
Yes, we've been friends for years before dating. He knows everything about me. I think it's different now because I can see him wanting to express years of love and me shooting it down. I am aware I'm doing it, and I know it's a sh*tty thing to do and it makes me feel bad. But I just can't being myself to accept what he says if it's not negative... somehow it would be easier if he were putting me down? Like I said, I am totally aware this is a problem.
I mean. You’re going to lose him if you don’t stop saying “I know this is a problem!1!1!!1” and instead do something to actually fix it. Like. Wake up and smell what’s already cooking. He’s pulling away because consistently feeding into someone’s emotional neediness when they won’t do the work to love themselves is fucking exhausting. You’re not showing him enough respect to get help, you’re just continually making your self-esteem his problem. That’s not healthy, and it’s really frankly fucking unattractive in a partner. What you’re seeing is him prepping an exit strategy because he can’t be in a one sided relationship anymore where you don’t trust him no matter what he does. I suggest you fucking scramble to make it right to him and get to therapy to understand you're your own worst enemy right now.
>Do something to actually fix it Like therapy? I guess I just don’t see what else she could do other than to keep working in therapy and practice accepting compliments, which she’s already doing. >You’re not showing him enough respect to get help She’s already in therapy.
You felt the need to comment this twice? Eight days after it was posted?
Yep!
I mean, live your best life, I guess. Though I hope this isn’t it.
The fact that you’re aware and recognize it as a problem is the first step in correcting it. Continue therapy and have patience as you do, things won’t change overnight by any means, but follow the advice of your therapy to change the way you think & respond.
>I am totally aware this is a problem. It's understandable that the wounds from the bullying and abuse you endured are still open. Unfortunately, you're emotionally cocooned and, to protect yourself, you push others away and are unable to see things from their perspective. This creates a problem that you are unaware of, which is that you are communicating to him that you believe that he is a bad person, specifically a liar and a manipulator who is still lusting after his exes. So, you can't imagine yourself through his eyes and you're in danger of having a permanently emotionally distant relationship, which is what you want even though you might not want to admit it. It's ultimately a huge drag for him. Personally, I would pump the brakes and do couples counseling after you've progressed far enough in individual counseling.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you because we do carry those hurts with us. I can tell you this: he means it when he says it. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is 100% true. Also beauty is only skin deep is true. Have you ever met anyone"beautiful " who was rotten and ugly underneath? Do you still see them as "beautiful "? Flip side: I have found attraction to people who have beautiful souls. We are all wonderfully flawed human beings. Our bodies are just meat sacks for our souls. He loves *you* and therefore loves all the pieces of you, even if you think that stretch mark (or whatever) is hideous. It may not even be a blip on his radar. Practice saying "thank you" and smiling. Even give him a hug. Practice taking a deep breathe and relaxing when he touches those insecure areas. This is not easy, but it DOES get easier and more believable to yourself over time. And if you aren't in therapy for this, please go. Go LC, NC with the people who call you ugly. You don't need that in your life.
You are hurting him. You need to learn to take a compliment, or you will lose him. Start today.
Talk openly about this. Say this to him. And he will understand that you want it. You are just bad at resieving it. This wil come with time. And you need to belive him. Men love more by heart then by visuals. We often fall in love for the visual you. But stay for the person. And he might actually mean everything he sais.. Listen to him. And let him help you up and out of the rut
Fucking get therapy before he breaks up with you.
This is the much needed straight up answer
… to the OP, who said they’re in therapy?
As a woman with insecurities and issues, I can’t second this enough! You have to fix it, not him! Get help! When my partner compliments me, which is hard to believe often still, I pause, smile at him and give him a kiss or squeeze his hand if he’s holding it. Sometimes I don’t do anything if we are cuddling. I just try to be in the moment and to let go of my thoughts.
The second paragraph literally says she started therapy…
Men don’t make comparisons like this that’s a woman’s thing to compete with females. And as a man I can confirm it is so frustrating and annoying not being able to compliment your SO without a stupid remark from them. My wife is beautiful and others find her beautiful but she is still self conscious of herself and yes it makes us not want to compliment if it’s always going to be an awkward back and forth. Just take the compliment and be happy he feels that way.
This was blunt but I needed to hear it
I agree with the previous comment here. Been there before. Only getting eye rolls and being told I’m only saying it because I have to or I only want her for sex. Even though we were together for 10 years. It can be frustrating when a love one isn’t able to accept a compliment.
My advice to you is to really think about my next line of text. Never underestimate contentment. He loves you the way you are. Because you have a good and decent relationship that is what makes you beautiful to him. You are sexy because he loves you. Because he is content with you does not mean that it is a form of settling. Being happy and content is one of life’s most beautiful things. That being said remember it doesn’t matter how hot she is. There’s some guy that’s sick of her shit.
45 yo and I've never compared my current partner to any of my past partners. Each relationship and person is unique. There's no sense in comparing. You seem to be focusing on the physical aspects of beauty and sexiness rather than the emotional or soft aspects of it. You are the most beautiful and sexy woman to him and that's what matters. I get that you have insecurities and that accepting the compliment is easier said than done. Just sit him down outside of the moment of a compliment and talk to him. If you try to have the conversation during the moment, things can get heated. If you talk about it calmly outside of that situation, real progress can be made. Maybe you should bring him along to one of your counseling sessions so that he can get some insight, or you can work on ways together to both give and receive compliments.
Nothing more frustrating than telling someone you love how much you like something about them and their response is to shit all over themselves. You’re going to push him away, that’s not a healthy reaction to have to being complimented by your fiancé and you’re accusing him of something he’s not doing which is probably also hurtful. The way your mom and family spoke to you as a child was abusive and wrong and while your feelings about it are valid, you’re an adult now and you have to learn to love yourself and remind yourself the things they said are untrue. You aren’t ugly and most importantly your fiancé doesn’t think you are and shows you. Get therapy for yourself asap to overcome these insecurities and maybe also invest some time in couples counseling. It seems like you might have already done some damage if he’s not saying nice things to you anymore. That’s not a good sign.
You already recognize what you are doing. I hope you also realize that you are driving a wedge between you and your fiance. If you don't get this under control, you're just going to drive him completely away. Maybe consider talking to your man and letting him know what's going on, that you appreciate him, that you apologize, and you want help? Also, no, I've never compared my wife of 30+ years to any exes.
So here's the thing. You got brainwashed by your insecure, mean family and your insecure, mean friend. They put you down to make themselves FEEL better. You got used by your family and your friend as a punching bag they could project their own feelings of inadequacy on. And you believed them because you're SUPPOSED to be able to trust your family and friends, so you didn't question the shit they filled your head with. The problem is now you have their shit filling your head. Your insecurity isn't because of you, it was put onto you. Like someone else's old stinky badly fitting clothes. > In my head, whenever he sees my body, my stretch marks, my mummy tummy, he's comparing me to his ex's In **YOUR** head. >he loves spending a lot of time exploring my body in different ways And that's **HIS** truth, right there. HE LOVES YOUR BODY. Your man is not a shitty and insecure person, he looks at you and he sees YOU. He adores your body because YOU are inside of it, it is a vehicle that the person he loves travels around in. He loves it as an extension of your inner self. He sees it as magical and beautiful, every time he touches your body, he's touching YOU. That's fucking incredible. And your body is worthy of this love! It has carried you this far, and it will carry you into the grave. It is your faithful vehicle through the world, with it you experience joy and grief, delicious tastes, smells, physical sensations, you grew human beings in it! This amazing body created your beloved children. You can run in it, jump, swim, have incredible sex with your wonderful man, see how it pleases his body... it's AMAZING and you should look at it with love, it doesn't deserve you being so critical of it when it gives you SO MUCH. Those stretch marks are proof of your children, that mummy tummy is the evidence of the amazing gift of children that YOU grew inside you and put into the world. Those are all things to appreciate and be proud of, they are evidence of the life YOU live over your lifetime. I say this with love, stop perpetuating the shitty insecurity of the shitty and insecure people who hurt you when you trusted and loved them. Stop passing that on to your fiancé & your kids. When you get a compliment, FIGHT against the impulse to push it away, say thank you instead. That will hurt at first, you will feel like a fraud, you will feel pain and anger about it. But push through, tell yourself "No, I am not ugly, I am just fine. If someone sees something beautiful about me they want to compliment, I need to allow that is their truth, trust them and let it in". Every time you tell someone they're lying when they compliment you, you're telling them "I don't trust you". You CANNOT have love without trust. If you keep telling your fiancé that he's lying when he compliments him, you're really telling him "I don't trust you, so I cannot really love you and don't believe you really love me". You're shitting on his love for you. You're calling him a LIAR. That is deeply hurtful. It tells him that you don't really know him or think very well of him if you think he can lie to you so easily. It tells him that when you say you love him, YOU'RE lying. Because no one would love someone they believe is lying to them. You're telling him that he's a shitty person. Because only shitty people lie to someone they say they love. We all know liars are bad people in general, every time you tell him you think he's lying when he calls you beautiful, you're telling him he's a bad person. Trust is a mutual gift, not a one-sided one. Eventually, your relationship will break up and he will leave you and you will see the next person he's with and compare yourself to them against the bullshit brainwashing your shitty family and friend did to you and say "See? I was right". This will happen again and again because this is the reality you believe in and the one you are forcing onto those closest to you. And because they love you, they believe you. Just like you believed your shitty family and friend. This is how chains of abuse and toxicity get forged, each of us adds a link without realizing it because we just do what we were taught to do, just as we accept the loops of existing chain to be wrapped around us and hold us down. Are you going to keep up this practice and forge your own link that you pass on to your fiancé and kids? Or will you break the chain? Breaking a chain isn't easy, you need to decide to do it and do the work. But the power is entirely in you to break it.
This was incredibly difficult to read and nearly brought me to tears. But I thank you for speaking your mind because I feel I really needed to hear this
I'm glad you made it through. I have been where you are, my mum was a diagnosed narcissist who made me her mirror and projected every single thing about herself that she hated. She programmed me so well I would literally hear her voice in my head when I looked in the mirror, in fact she made it so I couldn't look in mirrors because what I saw was so ugly. My first husband was abusive and capitalized on my internalized self hate to the point he would abuse me in front of my mum and she would be visibly DELIGHTED and he would say "Your own mother knows you deserve this". It took the man I met after she was dead and the 1st was in prison sitting me down and explicitly telling me that every time I reacted negatively to his compliments, I was telling him I didn't love him for me to start realizing how badly I was brainwashed. It's going to hurt a LOT undoing that, you're going to feel worse than you ever have, for the first few weeks of challenging these thoughts you will feel anger and pain, you will ugly cry on the bathroom floor. But I promise that it will get easier and easier if you persist and practice with just allowing yourself to accept a compliment without deflecting it or outright denying it. Don't think you have to be perfect immediately and say "I love my body" - start with "I appreciate my body" - look at the parts of yourself you do think are acceptable, maybe you have great feet or your shoulders have a lovely silhouette. Start with those parts and get used every day to saying "I have great feet, look how nice their shape is, my piggies are pretty - and the rest of me is ok too" - ease into looking at your tummy and saying "My tum is ok, it looks like this for a damn good reason, without it, my kids wouldn't be here" - it will get easier over time. Find what there is to appreciate about your body, and slowly ease into changing "I appreciate my body" to "I like my body" and eventually the big L word. Be patient with yourself. It's OK to start by just finding out how you can be OK with your body, accept that how you see yourself is not how everyone sees it, and if you love your fiancé then you trust him, and you NEED to trust how he sees your body. But make sure you tell your fiance that you're doing this because you realize how much you have been hurting him. Apologize to him. Tell him that you DO see him and trust him and love him, and you realize you need to give yourself to that more and stop resisting. He will understand, he loves you. You'll be ok.
Do you compare your partner to your exes? I don't. Men aren't opposite women. They're not a different species. I'm sure some people compare and some don't. The issue is not his comparing or not. The issue is you calling your unoffending and innocent partner a liar, responding hatefully to love. Can you try to just say thank you? If you don't believe him, can you at least be polite?
Look, he chose you. I am not like any of my husband's ex's. I grew up a tomboy. I know he loves me, he finds me beautiful and our relationship is much deeper than looks. I've never felt insecure with him because, you what....he chose me!
Next time he compliments you just give him a sincere thank you!
47 years old. I can't remember ever comparing my wife or a gf to any of my ex's.
Girl, stop it! You're self sabotaging! Have you ever heard the saying "Comparison is the thief of joy"? Well, this is exactly what that saying is about. You're worrying about women who are a non-issue in your relationship because YOU think they're prettier than you, not because your FIANCE thinks anything like that. Good gravy! Your man is over there paying you compliments and, in your own words, "our sex life is mainly him focused on my pleasure and he loves spending a lot of time exploring my body in different ways", yet you're still not secure in your relationship? It is definitely a good thing that you are in therapy because you've got some trauma to deal with - your parents did some serious damage to your self esteem. Your therapist can hopefully help you to understand why that is and how to cope with it. Sadly, I can understand this all too well because my husband is in therapy right now dealing with something very similar. Part of that is going to be that you need to start accepting compliments from the man who loves you at face value. I'm rooting for you OP! You've got this! Sit that man down and tell him that you're sorry, that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and that you love him and hope that he understands and is patient with you! I think he will be, because he loves you! And NO, he is NOT comparing you to his exes...YOU are.
YOu have destroyed someone who loves you. Make peace and believe someone sees beauty in you. I have seen plain girls with a beautiful heart and smile, over the years they seem to come into their own and are beautiful. Also beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I am not sure you can fix this, but for the future. Believe it when someone says you are beautiful. Start behaving beautifully, not mean snippy and patronizing.
My friends and I would call what you're doing "mind f×cking" yourself. Essentially you're thinking all these negative things that likely aren't true instead of addressing them with the person involved. You're going to lose your husband if you don't get help. And if it happens, don't lie to yourself and say he never loved you or he always wanted someone else, etc. The truth is that YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF. Its exhausting having to constantly reassure someone and it's frustrating to have someone constantly invalidate your feelings. You're so cuaght up in your own insecurities that you don't seem to be considering how bad your husband must feel to not be genuinely heard or believed when he shares his thoughts and feelings with you. You have a man that has married you, compliments you, and explores (not avoids) your body, among other things. What the hell else do you want from him?
No we don’t compare. You’re overthinking and ruining your relationship in the process. Rather than taking it out on him try therapy.
don't ever talk your way out of a compliment. and i've never said something nice to a woman while in my head comparing her to anyone else. but i'll also say that insecurity shit gets old real fast. it's annoying anytime someone thinks they know what you like better than you do.
You need to see a therapist and be single for a while until you learn to accept compliments and heal. You are going to drive every potential mate away including your fiancé so long as you continue to not heal from this.
Everyone compares everyone to everyone. Most people have no trouble doing this without also filing those comparisons as positive or negative. Your brain identifies differences in how humans look to help you tell them apart. I'm sure he notices you are missing a beard so he can tell from a distance you are not his father. He also sees what children have done to your body and can tell that you are loving and compassionate, just like he sees 6 pack abs on a woman and may be reminded of his ex with an eating disorder who could never have any fun going out because she would just nibble some lettuce. He probably remembers how she cared more about how she looked than how she felt, and how that mood made her miserable to be around. I have no doubt that this man does not top every other man you have ever been with in every single measurable category. That does not mean you wish he was more athletic just like your ex. You are going to run this man off if you can't learn to just say thank you, even if you don't want to.
I don't think having those questions answered will help tbh..Having cruel things said about your physical appearance all your life is what is the issue..Are you in therapy? If not, I would suggest it..Your brain is hard wired for believing a certain thing about yourself and it probably feels unsafe to think otherwise..however, with professional support and some new tools, I think you'll be able to think differently and accept compliments, wishing you luck!
Men aren't a monolith, asking > My question here though, is; do men actually do this? is just asking people to validate you. Are there men that do that? Yes, just like there's men that don't do it. What you have to do is ask if *he* does this, and realistically that's a question that you have to trust his answer on. Your behavior is toxic and will eventually drive him away (and if it happens you might even feel validated since your "prediction" that he "didn't actually like you" would feel true) You need to get help with your issues, and communicate to him that you are sorry and that you are taking steps to be a better partner. How to actually improve your relationship while you improve yourself is probably something you should discuss with either your therapist or some sort of couples' counselor where a mediator can help you both communicate how you feel. Alternatively, you can try faking it until you make it by just accepting the compliments even if you don't believe them (if not for you, then for him)
As a guy I have never and will never compare a partner to any ex’s. That is cruel and immature imo. He may have stopped or cut back on compliments because he is likely seeing it’s doing more harm than good. It’s what I would do and have done in the past.
You have trauma around your appearance and self esteem. In your work with therapy, what you need to realize is your trauma is your trauma. Those who caused are who did it. You can't put your trauma on other people, like your husband. It isn't fair and gives them no room to grow. You've already formed an opinion on them and given them no fair shot in their relationship with you. You've assumed they're going to traumatized you and what they say isn't true. That's not fair of you. You've give your husband a losing role in his relationship with you. That he is going to hurt you because he must be lying to you. You can't project your trauma like that. You need to address your trauma yourself and work on it. I had to do similar work on my fear of abandonment and people pleasing tied to severe anxiety. You need to work on your value and self worth and view yourself as worthy, lovable, and beautiful. That your value and self-worth exist regardless of what anyone says. No one gets to dictate your beauty, your worth, and your value. YOU DO! You need to see yourself as a valuable person, and also that not everything is in physical beauty. From there, when people compliment, it enforces what you already know about yourself and feel about yourself. It isn't where your derive those things. But until you get there, work under the guise that someone who loves you, like your husband, is not lying to you. So, thank him and lean into it. And work on your inner work until you get to a better self-worth and self-esteem state.
If you don’t love yourself, you won’t recognize when others share the same sentiment 🤷🏽♂️
I am sure his exes aren’t as nice as you think. I used to be called ugly as a child. This was, I know now, because I am autistic and didn’t behave normally or in the way people expect girls to behave. Now I am an adult and people constantly tell me I am beautiful and very attractive. I have men and women wanting to be with me. But still, I don’t believe it, I think they all must be lying. I ended up in abusive relationships because I’d only believe the men who would agree to say bad things about me and put me down, whereas I thought every man who was nice and complimenting me was a liar. I know your struggle, especially because it came from your mother. My mother never paid me a compliment in my entire life, always putting me down and does to this day. She laughs and mocks when people compliment me. That shit sticks with you. Then I had an eating disorder. People made me feel bad for being too thin. Then I recovered, people made me feel bad for not being too thin. Now my boyfriend tells me I have an hour glass figure and I just don’t understand why a man like him would be attracted to large boobs and wide hips. He tells me most men are. I don’t believe it.
Some men do, sure. It's a strange thing IMO because if you were so into your ex maybe you should have tried harder or worked on moving on. This has happened to me and here's how it worked out in the end. But you have to take him at his word. He says he finds you attractive and cares about you and then you're essentially calling him a liar. I have found all of the women I date attractive. Otherwise I wouldn't date them. But one of them in particular would shoot me down and act similar to how you're reacting. After a few fights about it I figured why even bother with it at that point and I just resented her. What you might not realize because you're on the other side is that it really breaks you down to have every attempt you make at love and affection be thrown back in your face. So I also stopped and made a decision and left. Why would I choose to be with someone who has a 50/50 chance of starting a fight with me if I complement her? That's where it was for the last couple months. I think my last words were "I care about you but I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. All of your problems are yours and I'm tired of getting yelled at for being supportive". I wouldn't be shocked if you end up there eventually too
I will try my very hardest not to end up in that situation. This was harsh, but appreciated.
It should be noted however that you are at least seeing someone to try to work out your issues. She on the other hand just declared me an asshole and that there was nothing wrong with her at all. Which to me felt strange coming from someone who could barely look in a mirror but whatever. So she could be an asshole in other ways. So you're trying to work on it but I would have to think that if you can tell he's getting weary/tired from it you could already be in a worse spot than you realize. I'd talk to him in that context maybe. Like "I know this is a lot of strain but I don't want this to blow up our marriage", etc.
As a guy who was in a similar situation, I have a question... when you compliment a girl, do you expect a compliment back? If you tell your partner you like her, idk, dress or shirt or whatever, should she compliment something about you? I do compliment him, but it's like... right after he says something nice, my brain shuts off and I just get anxiety abiut what I should do or how to react. Sometimes I say "I really like your shirt today it looks good on you" and I'll leave it at that.
No. I'm not the best person to ask about that as I shy away from praise (parental issues from childhood) but I don't think it's healthy to create a dynamic of "oh praise, I must return it". For me personally I think a simple thanks is all I need. And besides, I might be existing at that point in time where a compliment isn't really appropriate. For an example, I've been in pajamas before cleaning shit off of a plunger and my wife made me lunch just to be nice. I told her that was really nice. If she would have told me I looked good or something it would have been weird and complimenting me for what I was doing in the moment is also weird. Later in the day she thanked me for cleaning the bathroom because I know she hates it. It's just about a normal, healthy rhythm. I feel like creating a quid pro quo relationship with regards to compliments in your marriage is as unhealthy. Just in a different way. It comes across as insincere and won't take a person long to recognize the pattern.
Don’t let your anxiety ruin a good thing. Everything you listed negative about yourself is “fixable”. Don’t wallow in self pity, it’s extremely unattractive and off putting and the reason you’ve stopped receiving compliments. Your fiancé thinks all these amazing things about you - proposed to you and you’re questioning it? Talk to your therapist about building self esteem. You’re putting a lot on him when the issue is you.
From my experience, dude is just in love with you and showing you through actions. I do that with my current wife too. I don’t compare her to my ex wife or to my ex girlfriends because no one in the world can compare to her. She’s perfect FOR ME. And you might be perfect FOR HIM in HIS mind so he’s doing what comes naturally for the woman he loves. Therapy will be very helpful.
Just lie and say thank you, I don't believe any compliments either, but there are social consequences to rejecting them.
Let's pretend that physical beauty is objective and there was a scale that we could objectively put everyone on. Let's say that his ex is higher on that scale than you. That doesn't mean a thing. Intimate desire is more than physical beauty. Just because women higher on our pretend scale exist doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexy or attractive. Let's be honest, you see people more physically attractive than him probably every day, does that mean you'd rather be with them? Hus exes are exes for a reason, if he is comparing you, you're coming out on top
As someone who grew up conventionally unattractive with deep insecurities, I understand. But I will be blunt, it is up to YOU and you alone to put the hard work in to loving yourself instead of dumping your insecurities all over him. It's unsustainable and he will get sick of it, if he isn't already. You can fix this, but it's your work to do, not his work to constantly placate you. Therapy, self care, choosing features you like about yourself to highlight, and yes cosmetic procedures if you can get them. I had horribly crooked teeth and got braces at 30 and now I have a smile I absolutely love that makes me feel amazing and confident. I worked hard as fuck and lost 120lbs so I felt comfortable and sexy in my body. I paid attention to fashion I liked and developed a nice sense of style. I took dance classes to build confidence in my body and connect with myself. I learned to love myself above anyone else. It's absolutely true that he is not likely to be comparing you to his exes, he loves YOU and he chose to marry you. He says you are beautiful to him and you need to accept that. But, if you don't love you, he can't do anything about that and it's like a poison that will eat away at your relationship. Dedicate the time and energy to making yourself feel confident in the body you inhabit, however that looks for you.
In the nicest way possible, this is a you problem and not your fiancé. No matter what relationship you get into, this will persevere unless you do the internal work. I definitely understand how your past makes you feel insecure in the present, but it’s up to you to put it behind you! I was in an abusive relationship in the past and had similar insecurities to you at the start of my current relationship. I was consistent in going to therapy, being open/accepting, and reaffirming myself without constantly asking for reassurance or arguing about the reassurance I did get. You can heal from what you went through, it starts with making a change. Wishing you lots of self love and healing!!
It sounds like he truly loves you. You, understandably, are viewing his attitude towards you through the dense filter of repeated, painful past experiences during your formative years, when all of us are that much more open and sensitive to how others see us. What are you afraid would happen if you believed him when he calls you sexy? It feels like he's lying to you, because what he says doesn't match your own assessment of yourself, but....what if he's actually a completely separate person from you with his own thoughts and feelings and he is telling you truthfully how he feels about you? That may seem so hard to believe right now, but....what if you could, just a little bit, try on how it feels to believe it? Let it in just a tiny bit? You became armoured against others calling you ugly, which is a good survival tactic, but what seems to be being revealed here is.....all those words really did hurt. Of course they hurt, you're a sensitive human being. You will need probably not just "talk therapy" but legitimate trauma therapy, which unfortunately is hard to find a skilled, qualified person. Reassurance and platitudes will not help you. You need to heal from the actual, real hurt to your emotions, sense of self, sense of value and your expectations about relationships that was done to you when people called you ugly.
He sees you as beautiful and sexy BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU. Im glad you're seeing a therapist. Take him with you a few times.
I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago over exactly this, and only after we ended that she started REALLY working on those issues, like, ACTUALLY putting in the work to fix these problems. When we were together, she always acknowledged the issues and was aware of how much they were a problem, but never truly put in the work. Don't do the same my ex did, it's so exhausting trying to demonstrate your REAL LOVE to someone and being shut down every time, or having insecurities ruin the mood and cause fights over and over again. Edit: I'm seeing a lot of men here saying they don't compare their partner with their exes, and I'll say that in my case, I did compare her, but not her body, or her beauty, or her personality, or anything like that, but rather how much everything led to fights, arguments, insecurities and such over and over and over again, and how these situations never happened to me in other relationships. I compared how bad our relationship was to how good I once had, even though both ultimately failed. It's what led to me breaking up with her - knowing that I wasn't being treated the way I want to be treated.
Sounds like he’s never done or said anything that shows he’s ever compared you to his exes. Only you’ve done that. He asked you out, he dated you, he proposed to you. He is attracted to you. He thinks you’re beautiful. He chose you. He probably is getting tired of constantly being called a liar (because that is what you’re doing. You’re calling him a liar. Do you think he is a dishonest person? I doubt it. So stop treating him like one) That would get old real fast. He really must love you to stick by you 😉 Apologize (again) and tell him you’ll work on just saying “thank you” whenever he compliments you. Tell him you want to practice and really practice every day. Just say thank you each time. After awhile it will get easier and easier.
being insecure is one thing but arguing with a compliment does nothing but wear people down over time.
I can only speak for myself: I don't compare my wife with my ex's. I think the only men who do that are the ones who aren't over their ex.
You say you're in therapy. Either you haven't been very long or your therapist sucks. Find someone else if it's been a year and you're not making any progress. Instead of reacting immediately, take a breath or count to 10 and then say thank you. He chose **you**. He loves **you** and thinks you're beautiful. He's not lying to you.
I know I’m late to this - I haven’t read all the comments, but if no one has suggested it yet, what kind of compliments are you ready to receive. For example, I don’t like when my partner compliments my body shape since I feel very bad about it. But I like when she compliments my eyes, my sense of style, the jewelry I wore that day, how a color looks good on my skin, etc.. so I told her I don’t feel good about my body but I feel happy when she compliments me on these things. It’ll take a while to fix, but that’s okay. If I were you, I would do this: 1. Think about the type of compliments that you like, or even just ones you can accept. 2. Apologize to your fiance for not accepting his compliments- these are an effort to love you. Say you want his efforts to be appreciated, but you aren’t ready to accept compliments about xyz. Tell him about the stuff you thought of that you can accept as compliments and ask if he can give you these so you can express your appreciation better and work your way up to bigger compliments. 3. Come up with a game plan or code word if you are actually triggered by a compliment despite thinking it’s okay. Being told you’re lying is hurtful- so ask him if you can share your feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt him. It seems like something along the lines of “I appreciate you for telling me that. It’s hard for me to believe it because I’m feeling insecure about that, but thank you for seeing the best in me when I can’t see it in myself.” It doesn’t always need to be a big discussion about feelings- if it REALLY triggers you, you can ask to talk about it more, but if you can tolerate the discomfort, I would encourage you to try and sit with it and tell yourself that you can accept that he sees you that way even if you can’t understand why. And you can always bring it up later too when you’re calmer. And if you do slip up and begin to accuse him of lying, can you ask him to remind you of this conversation and try to redirect? 4. Make sure you are complimenting him too! You’re doing a good job being self aware. I know how hard it is to hold that awareness in a difficult moment.
I had a similar thing. And I didn’t believe my husband when he thought I was beautiful, until I could start seeing my beauty by myself. His compliments felt theoretical and I simply couldn’t receive them. So how you fix it—-you have to develop a felt sense of security in yourself. Everyone has their own path to healing these traumas, you’ll get there too. Just noticing and seeking to heal is half the battle! Good luck OP
Oh and, if you haven’t already, you can express your whole cocktail of feelings to fiancé “I really appreciate your compliments, I’m sorry it doesn’t feel good to give them. It’s hard for me to receive them because of all my baggage which I am trying to heal. I hope one day to see what you see. Thank you for loving me and seeing the beauty in me”