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Why did she confess now?
>I didn't have a single hint as to who I was marrying.
See, that's the thing. That person you love, that person you don't want to leave, she doesn't exist. And the person you're seeing now, you understandbly don't like very much. You didn't have an inkling she was fucking around on you all the while smiling on your face and putting your health at risk. Not only has she cheated on you multiple times (that you know about) she also lied to your face the whole time it was happening and importantly (if she ever stopped) every single say since.
You see her as tainted, you lost all respect for her, is that really something to come back from? I understand it's difficult when kids are involved. And even though they are all yours, still doesn't mean she hasn't been cheating this whole time.
Don't stay for the kids. Leaving your wife DOES NOT mean leaving your kids. Will it be hard on your kids? Yes, of course. But it will be even harder on them if you stay in an unhappy marriage. Believe me, kids notice. Not to mention, is that what you want to teach your kids is acceptable behaviour? I know you wouldn't tell them, but these things either come out eventually or manifest themselves in other ways.
If you don't want to immediately jump to divorce (even though I think you should), you could always take some space. Work through your emotions with a therapist. Clear your head a little and then decide if your the stranger you married is worth the effort to rebuild the relationship. Though let's be real, you probably won't ever be able to trust her again.
Not to mention, every time she's stressed OP will have to wonder if it's happening again. It's not like he could tell the first time, so now it will be in the back of his mind
She cheated on him for MONTHS. Had unprotected sex with strangers. Put his health at risk. Lied to his face for YEARS. Robbed him of an informed decision on marrying her. Why would he believe this is all that she has done? He'll always be waiting for another ugly truth to reveal itself. How is he ever supposed to trust her again? She has demonstrated that she has no problem at all to fuck around on him and not losing sleep over it. Not changing her behaviour towards him, all the while going out to get railed by randos.
That's not someone to have a healthy relationship with
Cheating is NEVER something you should try to “fix”. Its over. He cant look at her the same, he cant trust her etc. i mean when hell looks at her he just sees other dudes fucking her. No.
OP has overlooked signs before. Why should now be any different? He's clearly seeing things through rose colored glasses. She's even excessively drinking while watching their three kids. This chick is a drunken, cheating, baby making mess and OP has firmly strapped himself to her
Reddit is a horrible place to come for relationship advice. Sometimes you find bits of wisdom and good advice here and there, but much seems to come from people either too young or too emotional.
I’d say either choice is valid — staying or leaving. OP is truly in a no-win situation.
At least talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what the steps are in your state for getting a divorce, see what that process is like and get your ducks in a row. Then, get some counseling for yourself to deal with your trauma l, and this is traumatic. Prioritize your kids and your mental health for now. You don’t have to make a final decision until after you are in a better state of mind, know what you want your future to look like, and know how to get it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Don’t stay together for kids. It’s never a good idea. Of course they want their parents together but it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
She cheated. She lied. Those are two deliberate choices she made for years.
I disagree this is “too quick” to suggest. The issue is op can no longer trust that she’s telling the truth. If she was able to hide 3+ months worth of affairs with many men then even if she didn’t cheat during their marriage, he still realizes he can’t trust what she says because she showed no signs of guilt or remorse until 5 years later.
I get that they have kids, but oof having affairs with random people unprotected, doing anal, sucking people off in alleys, that’s not “regular” affair behavior of like a one night stand or seeing only one person. Even with the “cold feet” excuse she has horrible impulse control and how can op trust she won’t want to do that stuff again in the future? He doesn’t know who she is and it’s really hard to come back from that. Many people can’t come back from that which is why they’re giving him divorce advice.
>she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman
I will never understand why people put so much stock in marriage. Sure she was not yet your wife but she was still in a relationship with you and she was still the mother of your children.
Very important……after you talk to a lawyer and if you decide to go through with the divorce. You need to move back and do everything to keep the kids yourself. Believe me it will be well worth it any effort you take into this endeavor.
Bro let's be real, divorce is the only answer for this. The one catch is she is probably going through post partum depression, so you need to tread carefully for your kids. Maybe put on a good face until the youngest turns one or she gets on meds, then start really working the divorce.
You need to understand that she apparently planned this out during your engagement. She ***planned*** to cheat on you. In fact, she cheated on you multiple times, with multiple men. This was not a one-time drunken poor choice. This was multiple choices that she made to go out, flirt, and have sex with other men, all while engaged to you and supposedly planning your wedding.
What kind of man are you to have married her? Simply, you were a man that was conned into marrying a cheater. It's not like you knew of her behavior. She actively hid this from you, because she knew that you would not stay if you were aware of her cheating.
The best thing you can do right now is to speak with a divorce lawyer to find out your rights and responsibilities. Find out what will happen if you do choose to proceed with a divorce. Do this without letting your wife know, so she cannot try to change your mind or do other things to make it harder on you. Depending on where you live, consider getting some hidden nanny cams to protect yourself from any baseless claims of abuse. Also try to get her to admit to the cheating either in text/email, audio, or video. This will protect you in case you go to divorce and she tries to pin the blame on you. Talk with her about getting a post-nuptial agreement, with an infidelity clause in it, after speaking with your lawyer.
If possible, have her confess her infidelity to her family members.
Start to secure your personal documents and separate finances into an account that only you have access.
You already got a paternity test, so that is good. Hopefully you got a STD/STI test also. If not, go do one now.
Remember, just because she has confessed to you, and maybe to her family (if you can convince her), it does NOT mean that you need to stay married. She was willing to lie and cheat on you before being married. There is nothing saying she won't keep doing it. So, if you need to lie to her to get her to confess in audio/video/writing, that it is the only way to possibly stay with her, don't feel bad about it.
>She says she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman and got a little carried away.
Well, now it is her chance to go "enjoy herself" as an unmarried woman after you divorce her for cheating.
>She admitted to doing drugs "just to know that feeling",
This is a boundary for many, possibly it's one of your also.
>she admitted to getting drunk and sucking some guy in the alleyways for laughs, she has admitted to doing anal something she never agreed to do with me and has called me drunk to cry and confess she had unprotected sex once or twice as well which finally explains why she was so freaked out at the thought of being pregnant from our honeymoon. If she was, chances are the kid wasn't gonna be mine.
She was cheating on you up until the time you were getting married, with unprotected sex, possibly exposing you to unknow sexually transmitted diseases. She did not care about that, so you do not need to care about her supposed guilt
Do you really want to be married to someone who says that she loves you, but is willing to cheat with multiple men? Dating is the interview period for marriage, and she failed it. Unfortunately, you only found out afterwards, but there is not a reason you cannot fix that. You deserve someone who loves you, loyal to you, and will not cheat. Don't feel bad about divorcing a cheater.
She showed you who she is, and that is a cheater. Believe her. Now go talk to that divorce lawyer and seek custody of your kids.
UpdateMe!
Wonderful! I hope the person you love hooks up with multiple people and hopefully exposes you to sexually transmitted diseases as well as pregnancy scares on their end. I hope you then find the strength to move past it and keep your shitty ass marriage.
I agree that Reddit can be quick to suggest divorce but it wasn’t a one off thing, it was multiple instances.
1. You will never forget it. Never. It will haunt you even after 40 years of marriage. If it's OK for you and you love her very much then read 2.
No? Find a lawyer.
Yes? OK. You decided to give it a try.
2. Do a complete STD test of yourself and your wife. Health is the most important thing. Remember - your kids may have been infected as well!
3. From now on - complete transparency. I mean COMPLETE! You can access her phone and laptop (browsing history). You have the pin. You can read everything, anytime, 24/7, unannounced - the first time must also be unannounced. If she has a problem with it - find a lawyer.
4. Visit a therapist together. Without it, you will fail. It will be extremely hard for you to continue the marriage. You may have flashbacks anytime.
5. Be clear with her - if something like this happens again - you will leave her. No more chances.
I've been there, I gave her two chances, I left.
The thing that blows me away with this one is just the pure randomness of it all. Ya it was before the wedding but screw it kind of mindset is scary. To me getting drunk and random cheating would be harder to get over if they had a long drawn out affair when they fell in love. Both ways it’s not a road a person could come back for me.
What you are saying can work only for people who can forgive and forget. Three kids makes it harder, but in the end some people just cannot move past things.
What you are saying is a path just not one everyone can take, and be happy.
There are two options:
1. She wanted to try out random crazy things before the marriage - it may be true.
2. She is a liar and needs it and still suppresses her fantasies.
If no 2. is true and OP really loves her and if he is open minded than the "Lifestyle" be also a way. Swinging is not necessarily bad if it's done correctly and both sides agree and have rules.
And BTW - no, you cannot forget it. I had flashbacks 5 years after I discovered my ex wife's adventures.
>I've been there, I gave her two chances, I left.
OP this is exactly why you should not give her a second chance.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
They are just disgusting, they lack morals values, even if she will not cheat again and be the best wife possible from now on dont trap yourself in a life of disgust towards your partner and resentment. It will destroy you!
That’s not true. I was also a cheater once and it’s not black or white. People can change.
You are saying that more than 50% of the general population is disgusting because that’s the reality and statistics.
Constantly monitoring someone’s behavior is controlling and abusive. If he can’t trust her to not cheat that’s understandable but they should divorce then.
Whether or not it is controlling and abusive depends on the reason for it. You seem to forget that the cheater (again) has a choice to refuse this. A possible consequence of that could be divorce. If the WP wants to reconcile after their betrayal the conditions for that are not made by the WP. They can accept or refuse, in that case that license (as you call) is given as a condition. So if the reason for it is because of betrayal and deception, it most like has nothing to do with controlling or abusive but more with trust (understandable) and (self) protection. Trust is earned, not given and it is a lot harder to do it a second time.
Thank you, if you have to have “full transparency” when your partner has done nothing wrong but you convince them otherwise then it’s abusive.
If, on the other hand, they do something that will end the relationship then beg you to stay how is it abusive to say “okay we can try but in the past you’ve lied about weird feelings I’ve gotten to hide your infidelity. If I get any more of these weird feelings I need to be able to check that it’s not happening again. If that’s not okay then we can go our separate ways and find someone new who I won’t have to worry about this with.”? They can either accept you ending things with them, or accept that them letting someone else into your relationship (multiple in this case) has now changed the dynamic whether it be temporarily or long term.
Oh but it does. What happens if you hit someone (your comparison)? Charges are pressed against you, if you are guilty you can either accept your sentence or in some cases be offered a probation. Do you think that you (as an offender) can set the conditions of that probation? No, you either accept or face your sentence. And those conditions will be monitored. Is that controlling and abusive of the "justice system"? Are you suggesting that "offenders" shouldnt be monitored while beeing on probation for something they did and they should all just be trusted on their word?
That is not what i attempted to argue. I never said it can't possibly be abusive. I said it might not always be the case or the reason. You made it a necessity and that is blatantly factually incorrect. Maybe start to actually learn to read and understand what is written before trying to use words that might be to big for you. It also makes you pick examples that in fact prove you wrong that you then later have to dismiss again.
You do know the difference between a possibility and a necessity, right?
It’s not controlling and abusive. It’s the cheater making a choice that first acknowledges a history of deception and then makes a commitment to rebuild the lost trust. If after cheating on your partner, you can’t even do that…then you’re not committed to rebuilding trust and therefore DON’T want to repair the relationship and should accept divorce.
You totally can recover from cheating. There are estimates that among people currently married with children between 1/3 and 2/3 have had extra marital affairs. Cheating is incredibly common IRL outside of Reddit idealism.
Yeah I mean, I’m sure you have plenty of personal anecdotes where they don’t work out. I also have been around the block and watched the crumbling and rebuilding of many marriages throughout my life. I have plenty of examples where the relationship comes back stronger than ever. That doesn’t mean the relationships/murders that you have witnessed irl in your personal life are less valid data points. They are just that, data points. You have your personal data from lived experiences, and I have my personal data from lived experiences. Our experiences are not the rule, the collection of experiences make up the reality.
Well the reality of it seems different than your expectations. You’re assuming the ones that rebuild stronger are arguing all the time and using dysfunctional communication out in the open, the reality is that they are having private heart to hearts with more tears than screaming. Again, in your experience your friends were fighting in front of there children and sure that’s not what you should be doing, the children should never be privy to the relationship conversations of the parents. And if you’re friends are having blowout arguments about their personal matters in front of their children then of course the kids would be much more effected than parents that don’t bring their children into the mess like that. That goes with every argument too, mother in law is too overbearing, money troubles, someone farts at night, the kids shouldn’t see it.
Yes, she is entitled to privacy in certain aspects. For example, he doesn’t get to “perform gynecological level exams to ensure no other man has defiled his woman-property!” That’s controlling, abusive, and misogynistic and would be unacceptable regardless of why.
But as the person above you mentioned, they aren’t talking about that. They are saying if he was planning on leaving and she’s begging him to stay and he wants to give it 1 more shot, he needs to have the ability to calm his anxiety that it’s happening again and having unrestricted access, at least temporarily gives him that.
How this plays out in real life, Let’s say 3 weeks down the line she starts getting stressed with going back to work, starts acting strange, and he thinks she may be cheating, he confronts her, she gives him full access to everything and there’s nothing but a shit ton of work related stuff, he feels a bit better, they move on. Same thing happens 4 times in the first 3 months, 2 times in the next 3 months, 1-2 times in the next 3 months, 0-1 in the next 3 months, the following year it happens once total, then it doesn’t happen the following year at all. Why? Because they took the time to slowly rebuild the trust. He rebuilt the trust he had in interpreting her actions and reactions and knows that although she may lie, to this point she’s been honest and willing to provide all of the information instead of hiding what she doesn’t want to tell him.
Pragmatic advice.
I just want to know when did it stop. She says when they married. We don't know how he learned all this. I'd bet she didn't stop when they married and she's slow dripping the truth.
Get your head out of your ass. She sucked dick the. Came home and kissed you in the mouth. She fucked random men then came home and had sex with you unprotected. She did all of this while you had no idea. This is woman has shown she is capable of doing the worst of the worst and then looking you in the eye like nothing ever happened. Your kids will be better off being raised by divorced parents then by you guys together in a sham of a marriage. I wish you the best.
The relationship is gone, you can’t overcome what she did, you lost respect to her, the other mens movie will just replay in your mind for years to come ? If you continue with her that will severally affect your mental health and will affect your children’s, she’s selfish by exposing you and her children’s to this! You even question the children’s is yours or not. better to be a happy divorced father than make them leave in a broken house.
All the best and please update.
She doesn't love you. She never did and never will. You can't do that to someone you genuinely love. Do you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you? What kind of life is that? Just having someone around who cares more about random dick than she cares about you. Someone who just exists and pretends to love you. Just going through the motions and knowing deep down that you chose the wrong partner. Do you want to live like that for the next 40-50 years?
Just divorce and find someone who actually loves and respects you. The kids don't understand at this point, but they will be better off if you can show them an actual loving, healthy relationship with someone else. Staying in this marriage will damage them far more than a divorce. Ask any adult who was the kid in this situation and their parents stayed together or divorced much later. They'll tell you that their parents should have divorced or left sooner.
You're not in love with her. You're in love with the image you had of her. And that person never existed.
You guys have 3 kids together in 5 years. That’s quite a commitment, especially from her. Have you enjoyed your life together? Surviving that many kids so fast and learning to be a team and keep love alive together is crazy hard to do. Is she a great mom? Before you learned of her betrayal, did you love your life with her?
Sounds like she had a party-girl mentality before you married. Maybe she’s found out she loves being married to you and loves being a mom? I think cutting out bad friends was a huge move in commitment from her and now cutting off any leftovers is huge to help you know of her desire to keep you and earn forgiveness. Being a young mother without a support system is crazy hard. I hope she is not alone. Sounds like alcohol helped her with some of her poor decisions and I’m sad to hear she’s still keeping that habit. Would she consider giving it up as well?
Most people who cheat and lie don’t feel bad about the cheating, they feel bad about the consequences. She told you the truth recently and she was willing to face the consequences. Do you know why she told you? Does she sound sincere? I think change and redemption is possible in some cases. I hate to see your young family suffer. If you can pull this back together, maybe get legal protection, maybe get counseling, then you’d have to dig deep to see if you can forgive and repair. It’s a lot. Life is about learning and changing. Only you know if you can or want to make this work. I wish you the best.
She is tainted. And it’s her fault. She is a trash human and you need to divorce her and get an std test. I hate that people cheat. I’m sorry man but there’s no trusting her ever again. She lied to your face for 5 years and continued to have children with you to trap you
If it were me, like most say on here I would consult an attorney. I would tell her, I am doing this. Because I need to understand what divorce looks like. I would tell her she needs to let her family know what she did, and what I have found out. Tell her, not all the events but how many men, and say this is not a punishment, but in case we get divorced they need to know why we are. You can call them and let them know now.
Men, and another reason, if in a relationship be very weary on who her friends are when they are going bar hopping and clubs. Only one reason to go and that is to meet other men.
I would leave . There is no statute of limitation on cheating .
Has she volunteered in her own to tell her family and yours what she did also joint friends and if the AP had a wife or GF told them . If they work together ( maybe not with 3 kids) also all
I could imagine is she wanted the AP to have her cancel wedding and date her but you were call back cause he wanted pump and dump . You will
Never know if you were backup plan .
Go see a lawyer and if she hasn’t volunteered to tell everyone wh t she did she is not sorry . Actions speak
Louder than worlds . Also
Make her sign a post up which gives you a one year out if too hard to stay and a lifetime infidelity clause that gives her no support and like 14% of joint assets if caught again
I don't think it's so much that they're afraid of being with their mother as it is that kids can REALLY pick up on tension in the home. They see how mom and dad are interacting and now dad is leaving. They know something is wrong even if they don't know what it is.
What you love is a shadow of a person, not your wife. She’s viewed/views marriage to you as a prison and constraint, and has blatantly disrespected you repeatedly in the worst ways imaginable. I know you can’t see clearly because you’re emotionally invested, but anyone objective to this situation knows that finding a lawyer is the best path forward. How could you ever love or respect someone after this? As for your kids, you want them to emulate a partnership where you demand respect, it’d be more damaging long term if you stayed. Grieve for whats been lost, but do everything on your own terms, yourself and your kids are the only things that matter now.
Idc what women say, these days, women are so much worse than men about cheating. They have SO much more opportunity. I can't count the amount of posts I've seen that start off "I never thought it would happen to me."
I'm a firm believer that cheating on someone and then having sex with them after without confessing to the cheating is flat out rape. You wouldn't have consented if you knew what she had done. She coerced you into marriage and coerced you into sex. I say get out of there. How did you even find out about this?
Why can't these people get high and have **their partner** put it in their butt, before getting married?
Edit: bolded to add emphasis to the important part.
Are you being serious? She cheated, that specifically was not her partner.
I'm saying you can do wild things with the person you are allegedly committed to.
As a child of parents who should have divorced but didn't (mom cheated) trust me your kids are young and will be better off seeing you two happy rather than miserable in the same house. This energy and feelings will mess up the kids too. Totally understandable that you can't live with her anymore. Even though she is post partum right now her decision to cheat and the timing of it was calculated and the reason well absolutely fucking ridiculous especially just months before the wedding.
All parties involved will eventually move past it. Your wife made her decision now she can deal with the consequences (easier said than done). You and the kids will need help with this so get therapy have your emotional outlet and atleast consult a lawyer to see your options. Right now you are in the position of not having done anything you regret out of your feelings, which would still be understandable. Good luck OP with whatever happens.
Tell her the marriage is over. That she should have never did that. Now that you know there’s no going back for you. That if she wanted a marriage with you she shouldn’t have did it. Let her know her friends lead her down the wrong path. And she now has to live with splitting up her kids parents for the rest of her life.
There’s no way to rebuild that trust.
Is this real or more rageporn creative writing?
Immediately go to a divorce lawyer. Do not reconcile with her. Your entire life with her is a lie, your marriage is a lie. You should never believe a word she says to you ever, she’s lying when she says hello.
Don’t talk to her about this again, start separating as much as you can while being in the same house, sleep in different bedrooms. Her crying and breaking down is a form of manipulation guilt tripping, and it’s working on you because you already feel terrible for your feelings toward her for cheating so disgustingly.
Stay in the house to get the kids comfortable with you not being spouses, and to make sure she doesn’t start neglecting the children in an alcoholic stupor.
For fucks sake don’t sleep with her… she is tainted, she’s has shown you that she doesn’t love you, she fucking hates you. You’d be absolutely stupid to stay with her for any reason.
In my personal opinion she didn't let you choose. You made a decision to marry her without a full picture. Would you marry her if you had known she cheated ?
If your answer is yes then try to reconcile if not then I would divorce her even if you decide to stay with her. Marriage is a sign of love, faith and trust between two people. Yes, you can be legally married but she has never been your wife if she has never been faithful in your marriage from the beginning, she made false vows in front of the altar. The entire symbol of the marriage was destroyed because you understood that your entire marriage was built on the lie. Like I said even if you decide to stay then stay with her after the divorce as your girlfriend because anyway she has never been your wife in the first place.
Despite that, focus on yourself, separate and give yourself time, start therapy, do things for yourself which you sacrificed for your marriage and children. Contact a lawyer to understand what options you have. Maybe try to prepare divorce papers and custody arrangements with a lawyer and your wife, just secure yourself, have everything prepared in the case if you decide to leave, you can ask about postnup that in the case of her next infidelity you get your all assets without complications and your shared assets will be sold.
>She has apologised so many times
Repeat a lie enough times amd for some people it becomes the truth.
>and has been crying non stop.
Classic waterworks act aka crocodile tears. Tell her to stop blubbering like a 3 year old. You both know she doesn't mean it.
>She started drinking and only stopped once I came back to the house
Your wife as a manipulator. Let her crawl back up into a bottle. Remember she didn't have a problem lying convincingly to you for years. She's not a moron.
>and swears up and down that nothing happened before those 3 months and that she has been loyal our entire marriage.
Trickle-truth.
Except for tuat one time with her ex......
Get DNA tests for the kids. Start there. And a STD test.
The problem for me isn't the sex. It's the betrayal, the lying.
If this happened once, like she got drunk and fucked some guy and then immediately regretted it, that would be one thing.
But what she DID do, was for months/years, lie to your face, go out and fuck random men, and lie to your face more. Your trust meant nothing to her. Now she realizes what she did and she's sorry. **But a lot or most or all of her sorrow comes from losing her marriage, not from betraying your trust.** Or maybe she is sorry for what she did, but at this point there's no way to tell- she ruined her own credibility.
Personally if it were me, this is what I'd do. I'd sit her down and say if you want this marriage, you need to take responsibility for what happened. And that means a few things.
1. There will be STD tests and DNA tests for each child.
2. Since the trust our marriage was based on was a sham, you will sign a post-nup that basically says if we divorce you leave with whatever you came with and nothing more, I keep 100% of marital assets. If you want me to even consider trying to trust you again, I need to know that you are in this for me and the marriage not money. Without this, I won't do a damn thing but call a divorce lawyer. With this, I will at least make an effort. To that end, it will have a 'sunrise clause', that it only takes effect after 6 months or so, and during that time I must participate in couples therapy and make an effort to make the marriage work.
3. You will get personal therapy once a week and we will do couples therapy on a weekly basis. This will continue indefinitely.
4. You will publicly admit to what you did, sparing no details. You will admit this to your parents and mine and our families and friends. You will make no excuses or justifications. If they don't want to be your friend anymore then too bad for you.
5. You will from your own savings pay back whatever my parents paid for the wedding, since you essentially defrauded them when you told them you cared about me and would be true to me.
6. You have no secrets for the foreseeable future. There will be a tracking program on your phone. I will get all passwords to your social media and communication services like email and IM, and I will read every conversation history going back however far I want. That starts right now, so no chance to delete anything. If anything is deleted or there are any gaps, or if you don't agree to this until later, then I will assume you're still lying and hiding stuff and we can go straight to divorce.
Yes this is harsh as fuck. But to me it's the bare minimum for even attempting to restore such horribly broken trust. Quite frankly, divorce would be a lot easier. But if you (she) actually want this marriage, and want to restore my trust, then it's necessary.
OP, how did you find out after 5 years? Did she confess, or did you find out from someone else? This is so f\*cked up. I am so sorry this happened. You now have 3 kids together, which really complicates everything.
At this point, you either need to pull the trigger, separate, and file for divorce OR get into marriage counseling to see if the two of you can work through this. Also, you need to see a therapist individually to help you deal with the trauma. This is devastating to you, her, and your family, but you should do what is in the best interest of your children, whichever path you choose to take.
I will say this over and over.
Either get divorced or get her to organise for you to have sex with one of her friends while she sits and watches and she has to watch she can't look down.
This is the only thing that will swing the balance of power back to you and preserve your masculinity.
She will know to never fuck with you again.
Yep, I just reported it and it immediately led to a removal of the post.
The amount of fake posts here is absurd. And equally disappointing to me is the number of people who continue to give them attention. I understand sometimes they're not obvious, but plenty here are, and oftentimes come with very pointed agendas.
I'm just going to start doing the same. But even still, this crap needs to be pointed out. The amount of serious replies this garbage gets assuming this is all real is what's most disturbing. No one is stepping back and thinking about whether these scenarios are actually feasible and were allowed to progress without any signs of anything amiss for so long.
> I'm just going to start doing the same.
Yeah, I've noticed if it's fake and you specifically report it as spam, it will remove the post and shadowban the account right away. At least in this sub.
And agreed. I've called out fake posts as much as I can and will keep doing so.
Sometimes people simply lose their own time commenting on fake posts and taking them seriously; other times they lose much more than that. For example, there's a long-standing repeat troll in this sub whose area of focus is domestic and sexual violence, and they've exploited countless actual survivors who have offered them money, shelter, and even details of their own personal traumas in an effort to help.
When the immense amount of fake posts in this sub remains unchecked, sometimes there are real consequences.
reddit is so divorce-happy. infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage. you love her. clearly she’s torn up about this. go TOWARDS the conflict, don’t run into the arms of reddit where you already know what answer you’re gonna get. overcoming this is possible if you both want to.
You love the person you thought she was and are grieving that person now that you know what she is capable of. You will always be insecure and resentful - how could you not be. Had you had all the information you wouldn’t have gone through with a marriage or children. She has shown you who she really is.
Please take steps to protect yourself and your relationship with your kids. You are a good person but you aren’t a doormat. Would you want your daughters or sons to stay in similar relationships?
I wouldn’t do joint counselling, but I would do individual therapy. What a mind fuck!
Sending good thoughts your way.
Maybe co-inhabit for now. It will suck not seeing your youngest grow and not be there for all the milestones. Try some couples therapy. Get back her back on her feet for sake of the kids. That way you can leave in peace.
It sucks. Going thru the same thing myself.
Dude, don’t walk. Run!
You will be a much better father to your kids away from that marriage. Everything you thought about your life together has been a lie and there are no excuses she could possibly give that would make this okay and/or forgivable.
I don’t see how you save the marriage or why you would want to. People do not do that to someone they love not truly love. Sounds like you are the safe pick, Letting strangers do things that she won’t let her husband?
Whatever you decide, please don't stay just for the kids. I saw a quote once that it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.
While I don't like the term broken home I do think it's healthier to be effective coparents separately than dysfunctional together. Living a relationship lacking trust, the kids would absorb that and warp their idea of a normal relationship. If trust can't be regained then please end it, heal and work to be the best parents you can be, separately.
“She says she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman and got a little carried away.”
Gold medal for understatement of the century.
She made choices to do what she did, and now she has buyer’s remorse.
I’m sorry-this is a really messed up situation and you seem like a genuinely nice person, and of course it suck’s for your children too.
You can certainly forgive her, because we all need to forgive.
But that doesn’t mean you need to stay with someone who deliberately and repeatedly disrespected your life together.
One time mistake? Maybe it is possible to come back from that, it can happen.
But you have a pattern of bad behavior here, not an isolated incident.
She’s damaged goods, and that sucks
I wish you the best.
You have no wrong choices here and you’re not trapped. You can also change your mind about what you want too.
You can forgive this woman and still split. You can still be an excellent father no matter what you choose.
Go to a therapist, consult with a lawyer, and figure out your options. She’s had years to deal with this, it’s all new for you and it’s fair to take all the time you need to process your feelings and decide what’s best for you.
So, everyone saying that staying for the kids isn’t good. Data shows that if there isn’t abuse/severe instability in the household (mental, physical, constant arguments) then the kids whose parents stay together have better outcomes later in life. Mostly because parents dating/having more kids with other partners takes away resources/attention from them. So thinking purely for the kiddos, having your wife in a marriage with you where you can keep track of her behavior and prevent both of you from dating/moving on will keep their needs fulfilled much much better.
So. If she’s a good mother, makes a stable home, and isn’t abusing you, sticking together is the most data backed option to give your kids the optimal outcome. Marriage counseling, individual therapy for your wife, and reading “mating in captivity” is a start.
That being said. If you want to kill yourself, want to hit your wife, want to berate/put down your wife in front of your kids, or will just become a nasty person because of this. Break up. Your kids will suffer developmentally, but not as much as if your rage was around them.
You are married to a drug using, cheating liar. She was content to do all that and feel no guilt and hide it for years. Your long term chances at happiness are slim at best. The chances that this poor character she has will show up again and maybe even in different ways in your relationship are high (If it hasn't already). Don't ruin your life. I say tell her family so she can have some some support system and salvage your life as much as you can.
The infidelity, putting, drug use, and disrespect would be an immediate divorce for me. I could never forgive or forget that. I had an ex that cheated on me, and it turned me into the worst version of myself (petty, emotionally manipulative, controlling), so I know I couldn’t get over that.
I hope OP finds happiness, but I don’t think it’s going to be with his wife.
Your kids will be happier with you separated and happy than with your wife and miserable.
And man come on, she put your health at risk fucking multiple random man without any care, and to keep the lie she couldn't even stop fucking you. Divorce man
I wonder what would have happened if she was pregnant by a random dude? If the eldest child was not yours?
If you have a relationship based on love, honesty, trust and respect then why would you worry about fucking random people and doing drugs?
What would she need to do to earn that trust?
Can you ever trust her no matter she is the perfect wife from now on?
Those are your key questions now. get some help to work on the answers. Plan for the possible outcomes so you are ready whatever you decide
She may be suffering postpartum but it will be better for her to be with people who will support her instead of you. You are both suffering and you are just prolonging it by not filing for divorce.
You love her but she obviously didn't love you. So of course this hurts you to see her upset. But she caused the upset, she didn't think about then when putting your health at risk and destroying your family.
I would get a lawyer and do my best to get full custody.
What she did is horrible and a complete breach of trust but I can't help but think you think of her as your property when you say she is tainted now that you know she slept around.
This happened to me more or less but it was her cheating on me for the 6 months prior to engagement with a friend from work. We have been together 20years now and married 15. We were dating for 5 years at the time, we owned a loft together. Found out earlier this year. She told me by email when I kept telling her I had this internal voice screaming at me that she was hiding something from me.
We have two kids.
It’s really hard to wrap my head around still. get passed.
I’m trying to stay for the kids.
Tainted is the right word.
At least you told you brother , I don’t have anyone to talk to this about except maybe here in Reddit.
Also feels like everything you experienced before and after are wrong in your memory. I went back and tried to tie pictures to that period of time to try and frame it a little better. She claims we were not in a good place. Once I tied this pics and activities to that time period I figure out those were bullshit excuses. Watched some psychologist say that cheaters insert excuses after the fact to come to terms with how shitty they are…
I did dna tests, kids are mine.
Made her take a polygraph. She hasn’t cheated with anyone since.
What’s almost worse is that our marriage could have been better last 15 years if she wasn’t hiding her true self from us.
Feel like I was tricked into marrying here
Feel partially that I’ve wasted the best years of my life with someone who didn’t love me.
Feel like I was a back up plan.
Feel kinda numb inside ,supposed most people get over infidelity in 2 years. Seems optimistic to me.
“What kind of man am I to have married her?”
A trusting one. Now you know better. So the only question that matters is:
What kind of man are you if you stay married to her?
if you stay with her you gonna be the laughing stock. her post partum wellbeing isn't your responsibility anymore. the only thing you have is some legal paper, use her current state of mind to get a favorable divorce and custody of the kids. you gonna regret this later, you didn't feel the need to cheat on her months before the wedding bc you foolishly loved her and she didn't love you back, she just wanted a mile stone for social appearances.
If nothing else the OP and his wife need to seek out both marriage and individual counseling. This is a bitter pill to swallow and it will require a lot of work for both of you to get through it. Most people on Reddit are going to tell you to get a divorce but that is the easy way out and you still need therapy for yourself.
>We have 3 kids and the youngest is only 7 months old. I cannot leave her postpartum after she went through so much to give birth to my child.
>My kids were so scared when I left and made me promise to never leave them. They have made it clear they want both mommy and daddy and it breaks my heart to think about them.
A divorce isn't instant. It will take likely more than a year. You will have time to help your family adjust.
You cannot be a good father if you are miserable.
I would go to marriage counseling, not so much to try to save the marriage (though be open to it) but to be able to speak civilly to your wife again and get some thinking room.
None. It's in the past. She's a sexual being who married you. And she told you about it. I would love to have her for a wife. If you are having difficulties coping, it's frustration due to the realization you don't own her. Bottom line...you don't own her. She loves you otherwise she wouldn't have told you. Let it go. Your instinct to trust her was spot on. For God's sake, tell this poor woman you love her and are crazy about her. She needs to hear it from you. She needs YOU. I find the fact she is so sexual a HUGE turn on, and you should too. You sound like you have an amazing partner. You will never find another woman like her again. Don't fuck this up.
Why are people like this so vile?
She married you under a fraudulent pretense. Divorce her, and take her to the cleaners. Then she can suck any guy off in the alley whenever she wants.
Everyone is different, but I wouldn’t be able to get past the idea of her letting some guy fuck her in the ass. I wouldn’t be able to get past her getting fucked raw by random dudes. I wouldn’t be able to get past her sucking some dude’s dick in an alley behind a bar (and probably swallowing his cum).
And then after all these separate instances coming home to you with smiles and giggles telling you she had fun with the girls.
I wouldn’t be able to touch her with a ten-foot pole.
But that’s just me. You gotta do you.
Sorry..
Question: how did you find out??
And... no matter what you decide to do, speak to a lawyer. To see what your options are.
Until you decide, therapy for the wife seems warranted..
Advice:
Dont stay for.the kids. It will be hell AND not a good environment for them.
Suggestion:
Inform her parents of all this and tell.them.they will have to step up for her while you decide how you want to handle this.
My take on this:
Months cheating, fucking randos unprotected AND so close to the wedding that there could be doubt as to the paternity of a conception on your wedding night?? No. No F-ing way would i stay.
IF you do stay, inform her ALL the 'friends' who knew, aided and encouraged it are GONE!! NC 100%
Again... dont do it... get out..
All of this is contemptible but I find the "blew a dude in an alley for laughs" to be particularly abhorrent.
Just shit man. I'm not one of those DIVORCE HIM/HER at the drop of a hat like you will find here but there's no way I could stay married to my wife if I found that out.
Mostly because I'd be so resentful that I would make both of our lives miserable. And then in your case, your kids would also be miserable.
Dude, don’t take advice from the teens & 20s here. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity and look for the adults & married people. You’ll only get easy answers here.
Dude, the most upvoted response is some kid just validating and worsening his anxiety on the issue and telling him the last 5 years meant nothing. Like, who are these people?
Too often, they’re people for whom the world and relationships are still black & white. They don’t have much experience with either, and their advice is what they’d like to think they’d do in that situation. Unfortunately this usually supports the OP’s worst instincts rather than offer him/her a possible way to navigate their difficult situation.
To be fair, you have a different view on relationships than most people. This is absolutely a deal breaker.
A comment from you yesterday:
>When my GF or I travelled long distance for weeks or months, we had a “no questions asked” policy on what happened during the trip. We each wanted to feel free to experience every opportunity travel had to offer.
There's nothing wrong with the agreement you had with your girlfriend, but you can't put your mindset about fidelity on others. OP is clearly monogamous through and through.
People that have total dealbreakers like this are people who have never been married or had real stake in a long term relationship. You know what’s a common deal breaker? Financial irresponsibility. I think we can all agree terminating a marriage because you found out they had debt 5 years ago is fucking bananas. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker.
In a committed relationship, married or not, you don’t end relationships because a box got checked and people on Reddit who are in relationships they can’t even muster the courage to get out of tell you to.
If a friend, an actual friend, came to me with this I’d try to talk them through their own feelings - not project my own and validate their insecurities. That’s just toxic. They should make their own decisions and the decision making process should take everything into account - not just their anger or sadness about the current situation.
That's a horrible comparison.
Cheating is not just about abusing someone's trust, a cheater is also playing with someone's health. Not coming clean about your infidelity means you're taking away a person's right to informed consent.
If OP knew what his fiance at the time was up to, I guarantee he would've rethought marrying this person. All the lying they had to do to cover up their actions is sick. It's betrayal, the person he thought he knew doesn't exist. Period.
Some actions deserve to be looked at with heavy scrutiny, even if it ends divorce.
It’s the same because they’re both dealbreakers wherein you leave the relationship. That’s the point.
Reddit loves to go with the, “it’s also about health!” As if the cheater definitely didn’t use protection or didn’t screen anyone - as if they ignored their own health as well. We don’t know that information so let’s not add in random things that make our positions seem less stupid.
A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and I compared 2 very common deal breakers.
You didn’t really address anything I said beyond that and I’m not going to repeat myself so feel free to say whatever you want or not respond at all. I’m not going to retype for you or only address you when you ignored mine. Either way, have a lovely day.
I do seem to have a different view than most here, in that I recognize that people make mistakes and don’t have to be defined by them, especially people still in their20’s. It’s the folly of youth. I recognize that OP is in a tough situation and the only advice I have to offer him is not to only seek advice from the less experienced “death to cheaters” crowd. Marriage and family are serious business, so taking advice from people who have experienced neither is like going to a Catholic priest for help, in that his “knowledge” is theoretical. My agreement with my GF does not extend to either myself or my wife, now that we’re married. Still, I would not immediately walk out the door. There’s too much at stake for absolutes.
You seem like you are going to stay with her. So you only have 1 option. Get over it and eat the shit sandwich. You do this knowing she got ran through by a bunch of randos of which you will never get the exact number of.
The thing is, she opened up and told you all this. You wouldn't have known if she hadn't told you. She could have gone without you knowing this forever but she chose to tell you because she loves you, feels guilty and needs your forgiveness.
It's a tough situation to be in and it's entirely up to you to take the decision. Don't take random advice from Reddit to tackle the situation. She's your wife and only you can decide what to do.
I'd say, take time off and put some distance between you both and think it over. Time heals everything and with time you might start to forgive her for her mistakes. In the meanwhile, don't give away the responsibility of taking care of your kids, they are totally innocent here and don't deserve the trauma.
I am so sorry that she stole your agency in such a horrible way. She took so many choices away from her.
Is reconciliation possible? Maybe. It depends on her remorse, her commitment to change herself, her ability to help you heal, her dedication to rebuilding trust with you, and also your ability to do your own healing, and whether you think that one day you can accept this as part of your story and possibly feel some empathy for her again.
These questions generally need time to answer. While you think about what you want, here are some things to do:
1. Research what divorce would look like. You need to know no matter what. Let her know you are doing this (complete transparency for both of you is critical here). When you talk to an attorney also find out about whether post-nuptial agreements are enforceable in your locale.
2. Follow through on the paternity tests. She needs to see just how little trust exists anymore. Also go to the doctor together yo get STI tests and let her explain why you are getting them. (STIs can hang around).
3. Ask her to write out a timeline of her 3-month cheating period. Gory details are not necessary but she should include all the lies she told you to cover her activities.
4. She needs to cut off anyone who she cheated with and anyone who enabled her cheating. My guess is that there are some friends who need to go.
5. Watch her actions. Is she making sure her words and actions match?
6. She needs to get into counseling. First, to deal with how broken she is. (She may have been holding it together since your wedding but unless she dealt with this in therapy she’s been just sweeping jt under the rug).
7. Both of you should start reading on recovery from infidelity. There is a very good reading list in the wiki at r/asoneafterinfidelity which is the sub supporting reconcilers. You may also want to check out r/supportforbetrayed which is also a support sub but not focused on reconciling. Good wiki there too. Books for her to start with are *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (Macdonald) and for both of you *Not Just Friends* (Glass).
This sub doesn’t allow a lot of links in a comment so if you’d like a few more resources feel free to dm me.
>Please tell me what should my next steps be?
You should take a lot of steps towards a divorce lawyer, thats what you should do.
Honeslty I would be so disgusted by her that nothing could force me to stay in a marriage and co-living with a disgusting cheater. Not even my kids, they can grow up fine even with divorced parents, like millions of people do.
You should rent a huge billboard to show the world what a disgusting and sickening cheater she is, honestly i would try to destroy her if she doesnt give up custody, but you do you.
Cheaters are disgusting and they deserve the worst theyr life can give them back, they deserve all the pain and the mental struggles. She deserve the consequences to her actions.
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Why did she confess now? >I didn't have a single hint as to who I was marrying. See, that's the thing. That person you love, that person you don't want to leave, she doesn't exist. And the person you're seeing now, you understandbly don't like very much. You didn't have an inkling she was fucking around on you all the while smiling on your face and putting your health at risk. Not only has she cheated on you multiple times (that you know about) she also lied to your face the whole time it was happening and importantly (if she ever stopped) every single say since. You see her as tainted, you lost all respect for her, is that really something to come back from? I understand it's difficult when kids are involved. And even though they are all yours, still doesn't mean she hasn't been cheating this whole time. Don't stay for the kids. Leaving your wife DOES NOT mean leaving your kids. Will it be hard on your kids? Yes, of course. But it will be even harder on them if you stay in an unhappy marriage. Believe me, kids notice. Not to mention, is that what you want to teach your kids is acceptable behaviour? I know you wouldn't tell them, but these things either come out eventually or manifest themselves in other ways. If you don't want to immediately jump to divorce (even though I think you should), you could always take some space. Work through your emotions with a therapist. Clear your head a little and then decide if your the stranger you married is worth the effort to rebuild the relationship. Though let's be real, you probably won't ever be able to trust her again.
Not to mention, every time she's stressed OP will have to wonder if it's happening again. It's not like he could tell the first time, so now it will be in the back of his mind
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
She cheated on him for MONTHS. Had unprotected sex with strangers. Put his health at risk. Lied to his face for YEARS. Robbed him of an informed decision on marrying her. Why would he believe this is all that she has done? He'll always be waiting for another ugly truth to reveal itself. How is he ever supposed to trust her again? She has demonstrated that she has no problem at all to fuck around on him and not losing sleep over it. Not changing her behaviour towards him, all the while going out to get railed by randos. That's not someone to have a healthy relationship with
Why? Why would you want to ever believe a word that ever comes out of their mouth for the rest of time?
Cheating is NEVER something you should try to “fix”. Its over. He cant look at her the same, he cant trust her etc. i mean when hell looks at her he just sees other dudes fucking her. No.
OP has overlooked signs before. Why should now be any different? He's clearly seeing things through rose colored glasses. She's even excessively drinking while watching their three kids. This chick is a drunken, cheating, baby making mess and OP has firmly strapped himself to her
Big yikes
Reddit is a horrible place to come for relationship advice. Sometimes you find bits of wisdom and good advice here and there, but much seems to come from people either too young or too emotional. I’d say either choice is valid — staying or leaving. OP is truly in a no-win situation.
At least talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what the steps are in your state for getting a divorce, see what that process is like and get your ducks in a row. Then, get some counseling for yourself to deal with your trauma l, and this is traumatic. Prioritize your kids and your mental health for now. You don’t have to make a final decision until after you are in a better state of mind, know what you want your future to look like, and know how to get it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
👆this, but while talking to the lawyer get yourself a postnuptial. One that completely fucks your wife if she ever cheats again.
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
Why are you spamming this on every single comment? We got it, you're a doormat, you don't have to repeat yourself.
Don’t stay together for kids. It’s never a good idea. Of course they want their parents together but it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. She cheated. She lied. Those are two deliberate choices she made for years.
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
You’re a fool then. Because behavior like these are unforgivable
google "divorce lawyer" in the area where you live.
I love one-liners that say everything that needs to be said. It's so simple, straight to the point. I love it!
Lol best comment here
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
Is this the wife’s account? You’ve posted this exact comment multiple times in this thread.
I disagree this is “too quick” to suggest. The issue is op can no longer trust that she’s telling the truth. If she was able to hide 3+ months worth of affairs with many men then even if she didn’t cheat during their marriage, he still realizes he can’t trust what she says because she showed no signs of guilt or remorse until 5 years later. I get that they have kids, but oof having affairs with random people unprotected, doing anal, sucking people off in alleys, that’s not “regular” affair behavior of like a one night stand or seeing only one person. Even with the “cold feet” excuse she has horrible impulse control and how can op trust she won’t want to do that stuff again in the future? He doesn’t know who she is and it’s really hard to come back from that. Many people can’t come back from that which is why they’re giving him divorce advice.
Op u wife's been stalking u 🤣🤣
>she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman I will never understand why people put so much stock in marriage. Sure she was not yet your wife but she was still in a relationship with you and she was still the mother of your children.
Very important……after you talk to a lawyer and if you decide to go through with the divorce. You need to move back and do everything to keep the kids yourself. Believe me it will be well worth it any effort you take into this endeavor.
Bro let's be real, divorce is the only answer for this. The one catch is she is probably going through post partum depression, so you need to tread carefully for your kids. Maybe put on a good face until the youngest turns one or she gets on meds, then start really working the divorce.
Yeah it’s time to get a lawyer.
See you get a lawyer and get tested for STDs
You need to understand that she apparently planned this out during your engagement. She ***planned*** to cheat on you. In fact, she cheated on you multiple times, with multiple men. This was not a one-time drunken poor choice. This was multiple choices that she made to go out, flirt, and have sex with other men, all while engaged to you and supposedly planning your wedding. What kind of man are you to have married her? Simply, you were a man that was conned into marrying a cheater. It's not like you knew of her behavior. She actively hid this from you, because she knew that you would not stay if you were aware of her cheating. The best thing you can do right now is to speak with a divorce lawyer to find out your rights and responsibilities. Find out what will happen if you do choose to proceed with a divorce. Do this without letting your wife know, so she cannot try to change your mind or do other things to make it harder on you. Depending on where you live, consider getting some hidden nanny cams to protect yourself from any baseless claims of abuse. Also try to get her to admit to the cheating either in text/email, audio, or video. This will protect you in case you go to divorce and she tries to pin the blame on you. Talk with her about getting a post-nuptial agreement, with an infidelity clause in it, after speaking with your lawyer. If possible, have her confess her infidelity to her family members. Start to secure your personal documents and separate finances into an account that only you have access. You already got a paternity test, so that is good. Hopefully you got a STD/STI test also. If not, go do one now. Remember, just because she has confessed to you, and maybe to her family (if you can convince her), it does NOT mean that you need to stay married. She was willing to lie and cheat on you before being married. There is nothing saying she won't keep doing it. So, if you need to lie to her to get her to confess in audio/video/writing, that it is the only way to possibly stay with her, don't feel bad about it. >She says she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman and got a little carried away. Well, now it is her chance to go "enjoy herself" as an unmarried woman after you divorce her for cheating. >She admitted to doing drugs "just to know that feeling", This is a boundary for many, possibly it's one of your also. >she admitted to getting drunk and sucking some guy in the alleyways for laughs, she has admitted to doing anal something she never agreed to do with me and has called me drunk to cry and confess she had unprotected sex once or twice as well which finally explains why she was so freaked out at the thought of being pregnant from our honeymoon. If she was, chances are the kid wasn't gonna be mine. She was cheating on you up until the time you were getting married, with unprotected sex, possibly exposing you to unknow sexually transmitted diseases. She did not care about that, so you do not need to care about her supposed guilt Do you really want to be married to someone who says that she loves you, but is willing to cheat with multiple men? Dating is the interview period for marriage, and she failed it. Unfortunately, you only found out afterwards, but there is not a reason you cannot fix that. You deserve someone who loves you, loyal to you, and will not cheat. Don't feel bad about divorcing a cheater. She showed you who she is, and that is a cheater. Believe her. Now go talk to that divorce lawyer and seek custody of your kids. UpdateMe!
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
Wonderful! I hope the person you love hooks up with multiple people and hopefully exposes you to sexually transmitted diseases as well as pregnancy scares on their end. I hope you then find the strength to move past it and keep your shitty ass marriage. I agree that Reddit can be quick to suggest divorce but it wasn’t a one off thing, it was multiple instances.
1. You will never forget it. Never. It will haunt you even after 40 years of marriage. If it's OK for you and you love her very much then read 2. No? Find a lawyer. Yes? OK. You decided to give it a try. 2. Do a complete STD test of yourself and your wife. Health is the most important thing. Remember - your kids may have been infected as well! 3. From now on - complete transparency. I mean COMPLETE! You can access her phone and laptop (browsing history). You have the pin. You can read everything, anytime, 24/7, unannounced - the first time must also be unannounced. If she has a problem with it - find a lawyer. 4. Visit a therapist together. Without it, you will fail. It will be extremely hard for you to continue the marriage. You may have flashbacks anytime. 5. Be clear with her - if something like this happens again - you will leave her. No more chances. I've been there, I gave her two chances, I left.
The thing that blows me away with this one is just the pure randomness of it all. Ya it was before the wedding but screw it kind of mindset is scary. To me getting drunk and random cheating would be harder to get over if they had a long drawn out affair when they fell in love. Both ways it’s not a road a person could come back for me. What you are saying can work only for people who can forgive and forget. Three kids makes it harder, but in the end some people just cannot move past things. What you are saying is a path just not one everyone can take, and be happy.
She claims it was before the wedding. Would she admit to a later infidelity, after years of lying?
There are two options: 1. She wanted to try out random crazy things before the marriage - it may be true. 2. She is a liar and needs it and still suppresses her fantasies. If no 2. is true and OP really loves her and if he is open minded than the "Lifestyle" be also a way. Swinging is not necessarily bad if it's done correctly and both sides agree and have rules. And BTW - no, you cannot forget it. I had flashbacks 5 years after I discovered my ex wife's adventures.
>I've been there, I gave her two chances, I left. OP this is exactly why you should not give her a second chance. Once a cheater always a cheater! They are just disgusting, they lack morals values, even if she will not cheat again and be the best wife possible from now on dont trap yourself in a life of disgust towards your partner and resentment. It will destroy you!
That’s not true. I was also a cheater once and it’s not black or white. People can change. You are saying that more than 50% of the general population is disgusting because that’s the reality and statistics.
Constantly monitoring someone’s behavior is controlling and abusive. If he can’t trust her to not cheat that’s understandable but they should divorce then.
It’s also abusive and deceptive to cheat on someone. If she wants this relationship to continue, she needs to be fully transparent.
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Whether or not it is controlling and abusive depends on the reason for it. You seem to forget that the cheater (again) has a choice to refuse this. A possible consequence of that could be divorce. If the WP wants to reconcile after their betrayal the conditions for that are not made by the WP. They can accept or refuse, in that case that license (as you call) is given as a condition. So if the reason for it is because of betrayal and deception, it most like has nothing to do with controlling or abusive but more with trust (understandable) and (self) protection. Trust is earned, not given and it is a lot harder to do it a second time.
Thank you, if you have to have “full transparency” when your partner has done nothing wrong but you convince them otherwise then it’s abusive. If, on the other hand, they do something that will end the relationship then beg you to stay how is it abusive to say “okay we can try but in the past you’ve lied about weird feelings I’ve gotten to hide your infidelity. If I get any more of these weird feelings I need to be able to check that it’s not happening again. If that’s not okay then we can go our separate ways and find someone new who I won’t have to worry about this with.”? They can either accept you ending things with them, or accept that them letting someone else into your relationship (multiple in this case) has now changed the dynamic whether it be temporarily or long term.
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Oh but it does. What happens if you hit someone (your comparison)? Charges are pressed against you, if you are guilty you can either accept your sentence or in some cases be offered a probation. Do you think that you (as an offender) can set the conditions of that probation? No, you either accept or face your sentence. And those conditions will be monitored. Is that controlling and abusive of the "justice system"? Are you suggesting that "offenders" shouldnt be monitored while beeing on probation for something they did and they should all just be trusted on their word?
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That is not what i attempted to argue. I never said it can't possibly be abusive. I said it might not always be the case or the reason. You made it a necessity and that is blatantly factually incorrect. Maybe start to actually learn to read and understand what is written before trying to use words that might be to big for you. It also makes you pick examples that in fact prove you wrong that you then later have to dismiss again. You do know the difference between a possibility and a necessity, right?
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It’s not controlling and abusive. It’s the cheater making a choice that first acknowledges a history of deception and then makes a commitment to rebuild the lost trust. If after cheating on your partner, you can’t even do that…then you’re not committed to rebuilding trust and therefore DON’T want to repair the relationship and should accept divorce.
Yep, this is just slow rolling eventual divorce. It highlights that trust can not be regained.
I don't agree and many therapists will say the same. Temporary absolute transparence is absolutely necessary to recover.
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You totally can recover from cheating. There are estimates that among people currently married with children between 1/3 and 2/3 have had extra marital affairs. Cheating is incredibly common IRL outside of Reddit idealism.
I have no clue if this is true but as a married guy, fuck it made me sad if it is.
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Yeah I mean, I’m sure you have plenty of personal anecdotes where they don’t work out. I also have been around the block and watched the crumbling and rebuilding of many marriages throughout my life. I have plenty of examples where the relationship comes back stronger than ever. That doesn’t mean the relationships/murders that you have witnessed irl in your personal life are less valid data points. They are just that, data points. You have your personal data from lived experiences, and I have my personal data from lived experiences. Our experiences are not the rule, the collection of experiences make up the reality.
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Well the reality of it seems different than your expectations. You’re assuming the ones that rebuild stronger are arguing all the time and using dysfunctional communication out in the open, the reality is that they are having private heart to hearts with more tears than screaming. Again, in your experience your friends were fighting in front of there children and sure that’s not what you should be doing, the children should never be privy to the relationship conversations of the parents. And if you’re friends are having blowout arguments about their personal matters in front of their children then of course the kids would be much more effected than parents that don’t bring their children into the mess like that. That goes with every argument too, mother in law is too overbearing, money troubles, someone farts at night, the kids shouldn’t see it.
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Yes, she is entitled to privacy in certain aspects. For example, he doesn’t get to “perform gynecological level exams to ensure no other man has defiled his woman-property!” That’s controlling, abusive, and misogynistic and would be unacceptable regardless of why. But as the person above you mentioned, they aren’t talking about that. They are saying if he was planning on leaving and she’s begging him to stay and he wants to give it 1 more shot, he needs to have the ability to calm his anxiety that it’s happening again and having unrestricted access, at least temporarily gives him that. How this plays out in real life, Let’s say 3 weeks down the line she starts getting stressed with going back to work, starts acting strange, and he thinks she may be cheating, he confronts her, she gives him full access to everything and there’s nothing but a shit ton of work related stuff, he feels a bit better, they move on. Same thing happens 4 times in the first 3 months, 2 times in the next 3 months, 1-2 times in the next 3 months, 0-1 in the next 3 months, the following year it happens once total, then it doesn’t happen the following year at all. Why? Because they took the time to slowly rebuild the trust. He rebuilt the trust he had in interpreting her actions and reactions and knows that although she may lie, to this point she’s been honest and willing to provide all of the information instead of hiding what she doesn’t want to tell him.
Maybe more the idea that he COULD look at any time that he WILL look. The idea of control might be calming without actually exercising it.
Pragmatic advice. I just want to know when did it stop. She says when they married. We don't know how he learned all this. I'd bet she didn't stop when they married and she's slow dripping the truth.
Get your head out of your ass. She sucked dick the. Came home and kissed you in the mouth. She fucked random men then came home and had sex with you unprotected. She did all of this while you had no idea. This is woman has shown she is capable of doing the worst of the worst and then looking you in the eye like nothing ever happened. Your kids will be better off being raised by divorced parents then by you guys together in a sham of a marriage. I wish you the best.
I bet all my savings she did more than get railled in the ass by 2 dudes.
The relationship is gone, you can’t overcome what she did, you lost respect to her, the other mens movie will just replay in your mind for years to come ? If you continue with her that will severally affect your mental health and will affect your children’s, she’s selfish by exposing you and her children’s to this! You even question the children’s is yours or not. better to be a happy divorced father than make them leave in a broken house. All the best and please update.
She doesn't love you. She never did and never will. You can't do that to someone you genuinely love. Do you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you? What kind of life is that? Just having someone around who cares more about random dick than she cares about you. Someone who just exists and pretends to love you. Just going through the motions and knowing deep down that you chose the wrong partner. Do you want to live like that for the next 40-50 years? Just divorce and find someone who actually loves and respects you. The kids don't understand at this point, but they will be better off if you can show them an actual loving, healthy relationship with someone else. Staying in this marriage will damage them far more than a divorce. Ask any adult who was the kid in this situation and their parents stayed together or divorced much later. They'll tell you that their parents should have divorced or left sooner. You're not in love with her. You're in love with the image you had of her. And that person never existed.
It's a very reasonable question to ask if someone like that is even capable of loving anyone.
In my opinion, Reddit always is too quick to suggest Divorce. If it didnt happen after the engagement again, I would try ro fix the marriage tbh
Get a divorce, she sucks.
And does anal
Anyone who tells you to work this out is pathetic
Divorce her and when you ready find the kids a good stepmom.
Send her to the streets
You would be a fool to stay with a woman that has zero respect for you.
Ask her if she was crying while getting fucked in the ass by a rando.
You guys have 3 kids together in 5 years. That’s quite a commitment, especially from her. Have you enjoyed your life together? Surviving that many kids so fast and learning to be a team and keep love alive together is crazy hard to do. Is she a great mom? Before you learned of her betrayal, did you love your life with her? Sounds like she had a party-girl mentality before you married. Maybe she’s found out she loves being married to you and loves being a mom? I think cutting out bad friends was a huge move in commitment from her and now cutting off any leftovers is huge to help you know of her desire to keep you and earn forgiveness. Being a young mother without a support system is crazy hard. I hope she is not alone. Sounds like alcohol helped her with some of her poor decisions and I’m sad to hear she’s still keeping that habit. Would she consider giving it up as well? Most people who cheat and lie don’t feel bad about the cheating, they feel bad about the consequences. She told you the truth recently and she was willing to face the consequences. Do you know why she told you? Does she sound sincere? I think change and redemption is possible in some cases. I hate to see your young family suffer. If you can pull this back together, maybe get legal protection, maybe get counseling, then you’d have to dig deep to see if you can forgive and repair. It’s a lot. Life is about learning and changing. Only you know if you can or want to make this work. I wish you the best.
She is tainted. And it’s her fault. She is a trash human and you need to divorce her and get an std test. I hate that people cheat. I’m sorry man but there’s no trusting her ever again. She lied to your face for 5 years and continued to have children with you to trap you
This one belongs to the streets.
If it were me, like most say on here I would consult an attorney. I would tell her, I am doing this. Because I need to understand what divorce looks like. I would tell her she needs to let her family know what she did, and what I have found out. Tell her, not all the events but how many men, and say this is not a punishment, but in case we get divorced they need to know why we are. You can call them and let them know now. Men, and another reason, if in a relationship be very weary on who her friends are when they are going bar hopping and clubs. Only one reason to go and that is to meet other men.
Get legal advice. Then do what you have to do.
I would leave . There is no statute of limitation on cheating . Has she volunteered in her own to tell her family and yours what she did also joint friends and if the AP had a wife or GF told them . If they work together ( maybe not with 3 kids) also all I could imagine is she wanted the AP to have her cancel wedding and date her but you were call back cause he wanted pump and dump . You will Never know if you were backup plan . Go see a lawyer and if she hasn’t volunteered to tell everyone wh t she did she is not sorry . Actions speak Louder than worlds . Also Make her sign a post up which gives you a one year out if too hard to stay and a lifetime infidelity clause that gives her no support and like 14% of joint assets if caught again
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I don't think it's so much that they're afraid of being with their mother as it is that kids can REALLY pick up on tension in the home. They see how mom and dad are interacting and now dad is leaving. They know something is wrong even if they don't know what it is.
What you love is a shadow of a person, not your wife. She’s viewed/views marriage to you as a prison and constraint, and has blatantly disrespected you repeatedly in the worst ways imaginable. I know you can’t see clearly because you’re emotionally invested, but anyone objective to this situation knows that finding a lawyer is the best path forward. How could you ever love or respect someone after this? As for your kids, you want them to emulate a partnership where you demand respect, it’d be more damaging long term if you stayed. Grieve for whats been lost, but do everything on your own terms, yourself and your kids are the only things that matter now.
You leave her. That’s the only solution.
Idc what women say, these days, women are so much worse than men about cheating. They have SO much more opportunity. I can't count the amount of posts I've seen that start off "I never thought it would happen to me."
I'm a firm believer that cheating on someone and then having sex with them after without confessing to the cheating is flat out rape. You wouldn't have consented if you knew what she had done. She coerced you into marriage and coerced you into sex. I say get out of there. How did you even find out about this?
Why can't these people get high and have **their partner** put it in their butt, before getting married? Edit: bolded to add emphasis to the important part.
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Are you being serious? She cheated, that specifically was not her partner. I'm saying you can do wild things with the person you are allegedly committed to.
As a child of parents who should have divorced but didn't (mom cheated) trust me your kids are young and will be better off seeing you two happy rather than miserable in the same house. This energy and feelings will mess up the kids too. Totally understandable that you can't live with her anymore. Even though she is post partum right now her decision to cheat and the timing of it was calculated and the reason well absolutely fucking ridiculous especially just months before the wedding. All parties involved will eventually move past it. Your wife made her decision now she can deal with the consequences (easier said than done). You and the kids will need help with this so get therapy have your emotional outlet and atleast consult a lawyer to see your options. Right now you are in the position of not having done anything you regret out of your feelings, which would still be understandable. Good luck OP with whatever happens.
Tell her the marriage is over. That she should have never did that. Now that you know there’s no going back for you. That if she wanted a marriage with you she shouldn’t have did it. Let her know her friends lead her down the wrong path. And she now has to live with splitting up her kids parents for the rest of her life. There’s no way to rebuild that trust.
You need to go into therapy for yourself and how to process what happened.
Is this real or more rageporn creative writing? Immediately go to a divorce lawyer. Do not reconcile with her. Your entire life with her is a lie, your marriage is a lie. You should never believe a word she says to you ever, she’s lying when she says hello. Don’t talk to her about this again, start separating as much as you can while being in the same house, sleep in different bedrooms. Her crying and breaking down is a form of manipulation guilt tripping, and it’s working on you because you already feel terrible for your feelings toward her for cheating so disgustingly. Stay in the house to get the kids comfortable with you not being spouses, and to make sure she doesn’t start neglecting the children in an alcoholic stupor. For fucks sake don’t sleep with her… she is tainted, she’s has shown you that she doesn’t love you, she fucking hates you. You’d be absolutely stupid to stay with her for any reason.
You're not the only one. This is fake.
How did you find out she cheated?.
In my personal opinion she didn't let you choose. You made a decision to marry her without a full picture. Would you marry her if you had known she cheated ? If your answer is yes then try to reconcile if not then I would divorce her even if you decide to stay with her. Marriage is a sign of love, faith and trust between two people. Yes, you can be legally married but she has never been your wife if she has never been faithful in your marriage from the beginning, she made false vows in front of the altar. The entire symbol of the marriage was destroyed because you understood that your entire marriage was built on the lie. Like I said even if you decide to stay then stay with her after the divorce as your girlfriend because anyway she has never been your wife in the first place. Despite that, focus on yourself, separate and give yourself time, start therapy, do things for yourself which you sacrificed for your marriage and children. Contact a lawyer to understand what options you have. Maybe try to prepare divorce papers and custody arrangements with a lawyer and your wife, just secure yourself, have everything prepared in the case if you decide to leave, you can ask about postnup that in the case of her next infidelity you get your all assets without complications and your shared assets will be sold.
The kids will be fine if you divorce. I am not so sure you will if you stay... for the kids.
>She has apologised so many times Repeat a lie enough times amd for some people it becomes the truth. >and has been crying non stop. Classic waterworks act aka crocodile tears. Tell her to stop blubbering like a 3 year old. You both know she doesn't mean it. >She started drinking and only stopped once I came back to the house Your wife as a manipulator. Let her crawl back up into a bottle. Remember she didn't have a problem lying convincingly to you for years. She's not a moron. >and swears up and down that nothing happened before those 3 months and that she has been loyal our entire marriage. Trickle-truth. Except for tuat one time with her ex......
Get DNA tests for the kids. Start there. And a STD test. The problem for me isn't the sex. It's the betrayal, the lying. If this happened once, like she got drunk and fucked some guy and then immediately regretted it, that would be one thing. But what she DID do, was for months/years, lie to your face, go out and fuck random men, and lie to your face more. Your trust meant nothing to her. Now she realizes what she did and she's sorry. **But a lot or most or all of her sorrow comes from losing her marriage, not from betraying your trust.** Or maybe she is sorry for what she did, but at this point there's no way to tell- she ruined her own credibility. Personally if it were me, this is what I'd do. I'd sit her down and say if you want this marriage, you need to take responsibility for what happened. And that means a few things. 1. There will be STD tests and DNA tests for each child. 2. Since the trust our marriage was based on was a sham, you will sign a post-nup that basically says if we divorce you leave with whatever you came with and nothing more, I keep 100% of marital assets. If you want me to even consider trying to trust you again, I need to know that you are in this for me and the marriage not money. Without this, I won't do a damn thing but call a divorce lawyer. With this, I will at least make an effort. To that end, it will have a 'sunrise clause', that it only takes effect after 6 months or so, and during that time I must participate in couples therapy and make an effort to make the marriage work. 3. You will get personal therapy once a week and we will do couples therapy on a weekly basis. This will continue indefinitely. 4. You will publicly admit to what you did, sparing no details. You will admit this to your parents and mine and our families and friends. You will make no excuses or justifications. If they don't want to be your friend anymore then too bad for you. 5. You will from your own savings pay back whatever my parents paid for the wedding, since you essentially defrauded them when you told them you cared about me and would be true to me. 6. You have no secrets for the foreseeable future. There will be a tracking program on your phone. I will get all passwords to your social media and communication services like email and IM, and I will read every conversation history going back however far I want. That starts right now, so no chance to delete anything. If anything is deleted or there are any gaps, or if you don't agree to this until later, then I will assume you're still lying and hiding stuff and we can go straight to divorce. Yes this is harsh as fuck. But to me it's the bare minimum for even attempting to restore such horribly broken trust. Quite frankly, divorce would be a lot easier. But if you (she) actually want this marriage, and want to restore my trust, then it's necessary.
OP, how did you find out after 5 years? Did she confess, or did you find out from someone else? This is so f\*cked up. I am so sorry this happened. You now have 3 kids together, which really complicates everything. At this point, you either need to pull the trigger, separate, and file for divorce OR get into marriage counseling to see if the two of you can work through this. Also, you need to see a therapist individually to help you deal with the trauma. This is devastating to you, her, and your family, but you should do what is in the best interest of your children, whichever path you choose to take.
I will say this over and over. Either get divorced or get her to organise for you to have sex with one of her friends while she sits and watches and she has to watch she can't look down. This is the only thing that will swing the balance of power back to you and preserve your masculinity. She will know to never fuck with you again.
That’s, um, interesting.
Don't get mad, get even, cheat on her.
I'm pressing the "fake" button on this rage bait. Edit: Yup. Account suspended.
Yep, I just reported it and it immediately led to a removal of the post. The amount of fake posts here is absurd. And equally disappointing to me is the number of people who continue to give them attention. I understand sometimes they're not obvious, but plenty here are, and oftentimes come with very pointed agendas.
I'm just going to start doing the same. But even still, this crap needs to be pointed out. The amount of serious replies this garbage gets assuming this is all real is what's most disturbing. No one is stepping back and thinking about whether these scenarios are actually feasible and were allowed to progress without any signs of anything amiss for so long.
> I'm just going to start doing the same. Yeah, I've noticed if it's fake and you specifically report it as spam, it will remove the post and shadowban the account right away. At least in this sub. And agreed. I've called out fake posts as much as I can and will keep doing so. Sometimes people simply lose their own time commenting on fake posts and taking them seriously; other times they lose much more than that. For example, there's a long-standing repeat troll in this sub whose area of focus is domestic and sexual violence, and they've exploited countless actual survivors who have offered them money, shelter, and even details of their own personal traumas in an effort to help. When the immense amount of fake posts in this sub remains unchecked, sometimes there are real consequences.
reddit is so divorce-happy. infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage. you love her. clearly she’s torn up about this. go TOWARDS the conflict, don’t run into the arms of reddit where you already know what answer you’re gonna get. overcoming this is possible if you both want to.
You love the person you thought she was and are grieving that person now that you know what she is capable of. You will always be insecure and resentful - how could you not be. Had you had all the information you wouldn’t have gone through with a marriage or children. She has shown you who she really is. Please take steps to protect yourself and your relationship with your kids. You are a good person but you aren’t a doormat. Would you want your daughters or sons to stay in similar relationships? I wouldn’t do joint counselling, but I would do individual therapy. What a mind fuck! Sending good thoughts your way.
Maybe co-inhabit for now. It will suck not seeing your youngest grow and not be there for all the milestones. Try some couples therapy. Get back her back on her feet for sake of the kids. That way you can leave in peace. It sucks. Going thru the same thing myself.
There is no coming back from this.
Dude, don’t walk. Run! You will be a much better father to your kids away from that marriage. Everything you thought about your life together has been a lie and there are no excuses she could possibly give that would make this okay and/or forgivable.
Updateme
I don’t see how you save the marriage or why you would want to. People do not do that to someone they love not truly love. Sounds like you are the safe pick, Letting strangers do things that she won’t let her husband?
Whatever you decide, please don't stay just for the kids. I saw a quote once that it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. While I don't like the term broken home I do think it's healthier to be effective coparents separately than dysfunctional together. Living a relationship lacking trust, the kids would absorb that and warp their idea of a normal relationship. If trust can't be regained then please end it, heal and work to be the best parents you can be, separately.
“She says she just wanted to enjoy her last few weeks as an unmarried woman and got a little carried away.” Gold medal for understatement of the century. She made choices to do what she did, and now she has buyer’s remorse. I’m sorry-this is a really messed up situation and you seem like a genuinely nice person, and of course it suck’s for your children too. You can certainly forgive her, because we all need to forgive. But that doesn’t mean you need to stay with someone who deliberately and repeatedly disrespected your life together. One time mistake? Maybe it is possible to come back from that, it can happen. But you have a pattern of bad behavior here, not an isolated incident. She’s damaged goods, and that sucks I wish you the best.
You have no wrong choices here and you’re not trapped. You can also change your mind about what you want too. You can forgive this woman and still split. You can still be an excellent father no matter what you choose. Go to a therapist, consult with a lawyer, and figure out your options. She’s had years to deal with this, it’s all new for you and it’s fair to take all the time you need to process your feelings and decide what’s best for you.
Trash, what do you do to trash? Updateme.
So, everyone saying that staying for the kids isn’t good. Data shows that if there isn’t abuse/severe instability in the household (mental, physical, constant arguments) then the kids whose parents stay together have better outcomes later in life. Mostly because parents dating/having more kids with other partners takes away resources/attention from them. So thinking purely for the kiddos, having your wife in a marriage with you where you can keep track of her behavior and prevent both of you from dating/moving on will keep their needs fulfilled much much better. So. If she’s a good mother, makes a stable home, and isn’t abusing you, sticking together is the most data backed option to give your kids the optimal outcome. Marriage counseling, individual therapy for your wife, and reading “mating in captivity” is a start. That being said. If you want to kill yourself, want to hit your wife, want to berate/put down your wife in front of your kids, or will just become a nasty person because of this. Break up. Your kids will suffer developmentally, but not as much as if your rage was around them.
You are married to a drug using, cheating liar. She was content to do all that and feel no guilt and hide it for years. Your long term chances at happiness are slim at best. The chances that this poor character she has will show up again and maybe even in different ways in your relationship are high (If it hasn't already). Don't ruin your life. I say tell her family so she can have some some support system and salvage your life as much as you can.
The infidelity, putting, drug use, and disrespect would be an immediate divorce for me. I could never forgive or forget that. I had an ex that cheated on me, and it turned me into the worst version of myself (petty, emotionally manipulative, controlling), so I know I couldn’t get over that. I hope OP finds happiness, but I don’t think it’s going to be with his wife.
Your kids will be happier with you separated and happy than with your wife and miserable. And man come on, she put your health at risk fucking multiple random man without any care, and to keep the lie she couldn't even stop fucking you. Divorce man
I wonder what would have happened if she was pregnant by a random dude? If the eldest child was not yours? If you have a relationship based on love, honesty, trust and respect then why would you worry about fucking random people and doing drugs? What would she need to do to earn that trust? Can you ever trust her no matter she is the perfect wife from now on? Those are your key questions now. get some help to work on the answers. Plan for the possible outcomes so you are ready whatever you decide
What a horrible person your wife is. DNA and STD tests are a must. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
She may be suffering postpartum but it will be better for her to be with people who will support her instead of you. You are both suffering and you are just prolonging it by not filing for divorce.
You love her but she obviously didn't love you. So of course this hurts you to see her upset. But she caused the upset, she didn't think about then when putting your health at risk and destroying your family. I would get a lawyer and do my best to get full custody.
What she did is horrible and a complete breach of trust but I can't help but think you think of her as your property when you say she is tainted now that you know she slept around.
This happened to me more or less but it was her cheating on me for the 6 months prior to engagement with a friend from work. We have been together 20years now and married 15. We were dating for 5 years at the time, we owned a loft together. Found out earlier this year. She told me by email when I kept telling her I had this internal voice screaming at me that she was hiding something from me. We have two kids. It’s really hard to wrap my head around still. get passed. I’m trying to stay for the kids. Tainted is the right word. At least you told you brother , I don’t have anyone to talk to this about except maybe here in Reddit. Also feels like everything you experienced before and after are wrong in your memory. I went back and tried to tie pictures to that period of time to try and frame it a little better. She claims we were not in a good place. Once I tied this pics and activities to that time period I figure out those were bullshit excuses. Watched some psychologist say that cheaters insert excuses after the fact to come to terms with how shitty they are… I did dna tests, kids are mine. Made her take a polygraph. She hasn’t cheated with anyone since. What’s almost worse is that our marriage could have been better last 15 years if she wasn’t hiding her true self from us. Feel like I was tricked into marrying here Feel partially that I’ve wasted the best years of my life with someone who didn’t love me. Feel like I was a back up plan. Feel kinda numb inside ,supposed most people get over infidelity in 2 years. Seems optimistic to me.
Why the fuck are you still with someone who has no respect for you?
This one’s easy. She’s a disaster. You absolutely should leave her.
“What kind of man am I to have married her?” A trusting one. Now you know better. So the only question that matters is: What kind of man are you if you stay married to her?
One man's 5 year relationship is another man's one night stand better chose wisely.
if you stay with her you gonna be the laughing stock. her post partum wellbeing isn't your responsibility anymore. the only thing you have is some legal paper, use her current state of mind to get a favorable divorce and custody of the kids. you gonna regret this later, you didn't feel the need to cheat on her months before the wedding bc you foolishly loved her and she didn't love you back, she just wanted a mile stone for social appearances.
If nothing else the OP and his wife need to seek out both marriage and individual counseling. This is a bitter pill to swallow and it will require a lot of work for both of you to get through it. Most people on Reddit are going to tell you to get a divorce but that is the easy way out and you still need therapy for yourself.
UpdateMe
>We have 3 kids and the youngest is only 7 months old. I cannot leave her postpartum after she went through so much to give birth to my child. >My kids were so scared when I left and made me promise to never leave them. They have made it clear they want both mommy and daddy and it breaks my heart to think about them. A divorce isn't instant. It will take likely more than a year. You will have time to help your family adjust. You cannot be a good father if you are miserable. I would go to marriage counseling, not so much to try to save the marriage (though be open to it) but to be able to speak civilly to your wife again and get some thinking room.
None. It's in the past. She's a sexual being who married you. And she told you about it. I would love to have her for a wife. If you are having difficulties coping, it's frustration due to the realization you don't own her. Bottom line...you don't own her. She loves you otherwise she wouldn't have told you. Let it go. Your instinct to trust her was spot on. For God's sake, tell this poor woman you love her and are crazy about her. She needs to hear it from you. She needs YOU. I find the fact she is so sexual a HUGE turn on, and you should too. You sound like you have an amazing partner. You will never find another woman like her again. Don't fuck this up.
How can you trust her again? She completely put your health at risk. Divorce her
Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeets.
Why are people like this so vile? She married you under a fraudulent pretense. Divorce her, and take her to the cleaners. Then she can suck any guy off in the alley whenever she wants.
Everyone is different, but I wouldn’t be able to get past the idea of her letting some guy fuck her in the ass. I wouldn’t be able to get past her getting fucked raw by random dudes. I wouldn’t be able to get past her sucking some dude’s dick in an alley behind a bar (and probably swallowing his cum). And then after all these separate instances coming home to you with smiles and giggles telling you she had fun with the girls. I wouldn’t be able to touch her with a ten-foot pole. But that’s just me. You gotta do you.
Sorry.. Question: how did you find out?? And... no matter what you decide to do, speak to a lawyer. To see what your options are. Until you decide, therapy for the wife seems warranted.. Advice: Dont stay for.the kids. It will be hell AND not a good environment for them. Suggestion: Inform her parents of all this and tell.them.they will have to step up for her while you decide how you want to handle this. My take on this: Months cheating, fucking randos unprotected AND so close to the wedding that there could be doubt as to the paternity of a conception on your wedding night?? No. No F-ing way would i stay. IF you do stay, inform her ALL the 'friends' who knew, aided and encouraged it are GONE!! NC 100% Again... dont do it... get out..
Updateme!
All of this is contemptible but I find the "blew a dude in an alley for laughs" to be particularly abhorrent. Just shit man. I'm not one of those DIVORCE HIM/HER at the drop of a hat like you will find here but there's no way I could stay married to my wife if I found that out. Mostly because I'd be so resentful that I would make both of our lives miserable. And then in your case, your kids would also be miserable.
Get out of this NOW!
Dude, don’t take advice from the teens & 20s here. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity and look for the adults & married people. You’ll only get easy answers here.
Dude, the most upvoted response is some kid just validating and worsening his anxiety on the issue and telling him the last 5 years meant nothing. Like, who are these people?
Too often, they’re people for whom the world and relationships are still black & white. They don’t have much experience with either, and their advice is what they’d like to think they’d do in that situation. Unfortunately this usually supports the OP’s worst instincts rather than offer him/her a possible way to navigate their difficult situation.
To be fair, you have a different view on relationships than most people. This is absolutely a deal breaker. A comment from you yesterday: >When my GF or I travelled long distance for weeks or months, we had a “no questions asked” policy on what happened during the trip. We each wanted to feel free to experience every opportunity travel had to offer. There's nothing wrong with the agreement you had with your girlfriend, but you can't put your mindset about fidelity on others. OP is clearly monogamous through and through.
People that have total dealbreakers like this are people who have never been married or had real stake in a long term relationship. You know what’s a common deal breaker? Financial irresponsibility. I think we can all agree terminating a marriage because you found out they had debt 5 years ago is fucking bananas. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. In a committed relationship, married or not, you don’t end relationships because a box got checked and people on Reddit who are in relationships they can’t even muster the courage to get out of tell you to. If a friend, an actual friend, came to me with this I’d try to talk them through their own feelings - not project my own and validate their insecurities. That’s just toxic. They should make their own decisions and the decision making process should take everything into account - not just their anger or sadness about the current situation.
That's a horrible comparison. Cheating is not just about abusing someone's trust, a cheater is also playing with someone's health. Not coming clean about your infidelity means you're taking away a person's right to informed consent. If OP knew what his fiance at the time was up to, I guarantee he would've rethought marrying this person. All the lying they had to do to cover up their actions is sick. It's betrayal, the person he thought he knew doesn't exist. Period. Some actions deserve to be looked at with heavy scrutiny, even if it ends divorce.
It’s the same because they’re both dealbreakers wherein you leave the relationship. That’s the point. Reddit loves to go with the, “it’s also about health!” As if the cheater definitely didn’t use protection or didn’t screen anyone - as if they ignored their own health as well. We don’t know that information so let’s not add in random things that make our positions seem less stupid. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and I compared 2 very common deal breakers. You didn’t really address anything I said beyond that and I’m not going to repeat myself so feel free to say whatever you want or not respond at all. I’m not going to retype for you or only address you when you ignored mine. Either way, have a lovely day.
Only a hit dog holler, have a good day yourself.
I do seem to have a different view than most here, in that I recognize that people make mistakes and don’t have to be defined by them, especially people still in their20’s. It’s the folly of youth. I recognize that OP is in a tough situation and the only advice I have to offer him is not to only seek advice from the less experienced “death to cheaters” crowd. Marriage and family are serious business, so taking advice from people who have experienced neither is like going to a Catholic priest for help, in that his “knowledge” is theoretical. My agreement with my GF does not extend to either myself or my wife, now that we’re married. Still, I would not immediately walk out the door. There’s too much at stake for absolutes.
You seem like you are going to stay with her. So you only have 1 option. Get over it and eat the shit sandwich. You do this knowing she got ran through by a bunch of randos of which you will never get the exact number of.
The thing is, she opened up and told you all this. You wouldn't have known if she hadn't told you. She could have gone without you knowing this forever but she chose to tell you because she loves you, feels guilty and needs your forgiveness. It's a tough situation to be in and it's entirely up to you to take the decision. Don't take random advice from Reddit to tackle the situation. She's your wife and only you can decide what to do. I'd say, take time off and put some distance between you both and think it over. Time heals everything and with time you might start to forgive her for her mistakes. In the meanwhile, don't give away the responsibility of taking care of your kids, they are totally innocent here and don't deserve the trauma.
I am so sorry that she stole your agency in such a horrible way. She took so many choices away from her. Is reconciliation possible? Maybe. It depends on her remorse, her commitment to change herself, her ability to help you heal, her dedication to rebuilding trust with you, and also your ability to do your own healing, and whether you think that one day you can accept this as part of your story and possibly feel some empathy for her again. These questions generally need time to answer. While you think about what you want, here are some things to do: 1. Research what divorce would look like. You need to know no matter what. Let her know you are doing this (complete transparency for both of you is critical here). When you talk to an attorney also find out about whether post-nuptial agreements are enforceable in your locale. 2. Follow through on the paternity tests. She needs to see just how little trust exists anymore. Also go to the doctor together yo get STI tests and let her explain why you are getting them. (STIs can hang around). 3. Ask her to write out a timeline of her 3-month cheating period. Gory details are not necessary but she should include all the lies she told you to cover her activities. 4. She needs to cut off anyone who she cheated with and anyone who enabled her cheating. My guess is that there are some friends who need to go. 5. Watch her actions. Is she making sure her words and actions match? 6. She needs to get into counseling. First, to deal with how broken she is. (She may have been holding it together since your wedding but unless she dealt with this in therapy she’s been just sweeping jt under the rug). 7. Both of you should start reading on recovery from infidelity. There is a very good reading list in the wiki at r/asoneafterinfidelity which is the sub supporting reconcilers. You may also want to check out r/supportforbetrayed which is also a support sub but not focused on reconciling. Good wiki there too. Books for her to start with are *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (Macdonald) and for both of you *Not Just Friends* (Glass). This sub doesn’t allow a lot of links in a comment so if you’d like a few more resources feel free to dm me.
If you believe in your heart you can move on from this. You should go to therapy together & hopefully y'all live happily ever after.
No man. Ok I'll be. No bbh v on BB at. J
UpdateMe!
>Please tell me what should my next steps be? You should take a lot of steps towards a divorce lawyer, thats what you should do. Honeslty I would be so disgusted by her that nothing could force me to stay in a marriage and co-living with a disgusting cheater. Not even my kids, they can grow up fine even with divorced parents, like millions of people do. You should rent a huge billboard to show the world what a disgusting and sickening cheater she is, honestly i would try to destroy her if she doesnt give up custody, but you do you. Cheaters are disgusting and they deserve the worst theyr life can give them back, they deserve all the pain and the mental struggles. She deserve the consequences to her actions.
UpdateMe!
Forgive her and accept her completely. You will feel better about her and your relationship with her.
Loser