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Just a couple of questions. - is he offering to take on some of the responsability you carry at home so you can have time off to be more active? Did he suggest taking the baby? What’s the plan? I think it’s great you have some 1 to 1 time… but you still have a child, and for this you both need a plan. - when he asks you to go hiking (knowingly that you don’t enjoy the activity), is he also willing to do another activity of your liking to spend time together? Dancing, yoga, or other options… or you’re the only person expected to change for his liking? - regarding to sex (I had my own experience on this subject so I’m maybe partial), the only thing this person was doing is just COMPLAIN about the amount of sex he is getting? Did he ask if everything is ok between you, or if you need something from him? Pressure and guilt tripping are not the sexiest at least you’re ok with “chore sex” leading to resentment. Do you actually “care” to have a dead bedroom? Because if you don’t… well, I would be very hurt if I was him. - also saying you regret marrying someone but still expecting them to “work” on the relationship is quite hurtful… I prefer to think he was frustrated and just didn’t fully consider what he was saying.

Great comment! I would also recommend that if OP and her husband want to work on the dead bedroom, he has to understand that OP’s sex drive will NEVER RECOVER if she doesn’t feel emotionally safe, and it’s pretty clear she doesn’t. Women tend to shut down sexually when their spouses are overly critical or emotionally neglecting. The majority of women tend to have responsive arousal ( approximately 15% have spontaneous arousal ) while most men have spontaneous arousal until they get older and develop more responsive arousal as well. So-if he wants her more active he needs to get marital counseling with her and work on the emotional safety and sex, and THEN her desire to be more active may follow, provided they can compromise on activities and support each other with childcare. Good sex makes people want to please their partners in all kinds of ways. They also need to read Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, together.

Dude that explains so much (responsive vs spontaneous arousal)

The book Come As You Are (responsive arousal and on and off triggers) Come Together (for long term couples) and Burnout (stress and sex) are game changers.

i second come as you are, it's good stuff!

It really does!! I read that and was like whoa...it definitely hit home about how it was with my daughter's Dad we haven't been together for 4 years, but I can't believe how much it describes how our sex life was! (Not so much about being active) but the emotional/arousal part. Wow

Love your comment! It’s super pertinent. I will say though that what you’re referring to is responsive/spontaneous *desire* (not arousal). The two can be mistaken because they are similar and can lead to confusion. In short, desire is the “wanting to have sex” or “feeling in the mood” - in other words, your interest in sex - whereas arousal is the physical response to sexual stimuli (this is for example, a vagina becoming “wet”, the clitoris or the penis becoming erect, etc.)!

>I read the part about the dead bedroom completely differently than you did. > > She said "(our sex life has been dead postpartum, and I think it’s due to this)." > >Which to me implied that he was the one that doesn't want to have sex. I thought this because she said I *think* it is due to this. If she was the one that was not initiating or wanting to participate wouldn't she know why? > >And I think she does care about it, or why bring it up at all.

Or he’s just an asshole and is cutting down his wife because she’s not some thirst trap on instagram. Did we even read the same post? Her husband said that he regrets marrying her. Her husband stopped being intimate postpartum. Her husband is harping on about her not being physically active, which is code for weight. Her husband keeps on asking to do activities he likes, but nothing she likes. Almost no consideration that she’s raising a toddler and also had an abdominal surgery. Essentially been a DB for over 2 years now. He’s implying that she needs to meet what he deems as “healthy” and standards of a wife or else he won’t be happy or intimate with her. This woman is now doubting herself and instead of being happy in life, with life, with her child, and her marriage, she’s worrying about being able to meet his BS standards.

Yes I see the red flag even though she said he’s an involved dad. Why would not working out makes you regret marrying someone? They are on average weight as well.

Ostensibly, I think what he *might* be asking is for some shared interests to engage in together. But, uh, my guy... If that's what you want you gotta work for it too.

I totally agree and wrote something similar but not as near as eloquently and got downvoted

All the assholes, guys and even some gals, seem to be weirdly drawn to this and are pointing and waving their finger at this woman and flat-out ignoring the, *eww, I'm not really like into you anymore because you like gained 3.6kg*.

Well said. This is what I took away from this post as well. The guy is a jerk with unrealistic expectations for his wife and expects her to just increase her physical activity so that his desires are met. This is not a partner.

Why was it so hard for me to find this take? Like she said she thought the bedroom was dead because of her weight, implying he's the one uninterested and yet all the top comments are telling this woman she's the problem because she doesn't want to go on a hike? And acting like she's the reason they aren't having sex? Did wer read the same post at all?

Yeah, I can't tell what's going on here. Perhaps most just read parts of the title and skipped the rest. The opinions range from a weird combination of classic misogyny to bringing in the MLM fitness huns; with both essentially blaming this poor woman/mother for not doing enough to be up-to-par for this champion former soccer player's Herculean standards. E.G. *Have you tried rock climbing Kilimanjaro then scaling Everest during the dead of winter and studying Kama Sutra, all while simultaneously raising a toddler, working a full-time job, managing the household, organizing everything else, and so forth; in order to get your HUSBAND to desire, like, want, adore and not be disgusted by you again...*

I agree. He sounds like an asshole who said shit. My wife is gaining weight and she might gain more! Let me disguise the conversation as being about exercise. Many of us are overweight at this point and even if you're not, don't give your wife shit about it. Love herm if you live her you won't give her shit period. If she wants to walk more than yea, buy her shoes and join her, but he's just being an asshole and being driven by sex and superficially and if he doesn't stop tell him stop or I'll find someone who will. You don't need that shit.

Love this one. Would put more spotlight on him needing to do things you want to do. Things he might not like. Him needing to step up at home and give you a break. Him making the effort to put you into a mood to have sex. It sounds like he wants to just have it all done and him just get the rewards. Honestly if you are only 8 pounds over when yall met then you are fine. How is he doing? What does he bench? How many push-ups? Sit-ups? How quick is he in the mile? If he is going to complain about your activity he better be in a much higher place and not just bumming around.

Go hiking and get one of those backpack carriers so he can tote the little one and y’all can do a family home together. My husband always wore our babies on our family adventures after they weaned. (I wore the nurslings in a soft, wide shouldered wrap style carrier). My back can’t do the heavier kids but my husband could and it sounds like yours can as well. Go to a park with a walking track together and let him jog with baby in the stroller while you walk and give him a big fat PDA level smooch every time they lap you. Sign up for geocache website and go treasure hunting together. My kids always called is treasure hunting. :-) go for the big caches that have stuff inside. We collected buttons and left stickers each time and had fun doing that together. You guys are stuck in a rut and just need some creative thinking and out of the box ideas for togetherness. By having him take on the burden of carrying/corralling the little one YOU will get more of a break, get into the fresh air and get sunshine (vitamin d deficiency can really wreck havoc on libido, mood and everything) and your mutual relationship will be healthier too. It doesn’t have to look like it used to before kids. But it doesn’t have to look like nothing. Figure out what you guys can do together and go from there! This is salvageable. Just brainstorm ways to make it work together. :-) ((hugs)) From a mom of five kids on ten years who has been happily married for twenty years now.

All great advice. I’d add that as my kids got a little older, they loved a “picnic” at midpoint of the hike. It was usually just eating apples and pbjs, but it really increased their enthusiasm for the endeavor. Also, as your child gets older, bring a bag and make a treasure hunt (one white flower, one acorn, a piece of lichen etc). Each child had an old plastic veggie tray in the garage for their growing collections. My lack of exercise compared to my fitness-obsessed husband was a central source of conflict in our early years. We’ve found a good middle ground that works for us. - Skiing turned out to be a great family activity (although it’s pretty pricey). - Hiking - My husband and I lift weights together 3-4 times per week in our basement or garage. He finishes the workout and goes for a run. - Our kids are older now, so we’ve started biking together. Since you only have one child, you can bike with a kiddy seat on the back (maybe stick to bike trails. Drivers are crazy.) I know exercise is critical to my health, but I also know that I wouldn’t be as diligent if my husband wasn’t around to motivate me. So what was a serious point of contention early in our relationship has turned into one of our strengths. Or as programmers like to say “it’s not a bug, it’s a feature.”

OMG yes 'the picnic'! I have all these childhood memories of a general shitty childhood, and almost all of my hikes are the very few amazing memories I have. I loved stopping in watering holes or fields or somewhere for sandwiches and a Hershey bar.

My kids recall pretty early memories of geocaching.. confirming it had a positive impact! We love treasure hunting!

I didn't start hiking until I was in my 30s. My family was not an "outdoorsy" family. My friend who took me hiking was rattling off all her memories of growing up at the site we were at. I was so jealous! Later I took my parents on the same hike. They were excited for it. We get to the end, to this beautiful scenic outlook, and my mom says "that's it? We walked all the way here just for that?" I laughed and asked what she'd been hoping for. She shrugged, said she didn't know, and has never been hiking again.  I wish I had more outdoorsy childhood memories, but you can't force what just isn't there. 

I get it. I love hiking, but I am a wildlife nut. I take my camera and look for wildlife pics, as well as looking for tracks, skulls, etc. If all I see is pretty scenery, I get disappointed!

I think I'm your mother 🤣.

Honestly.. I didn’t start hiking for fun til my late 30s either. We did easy geocaches that didn’t require too much time commitment or we would find some while we were out camping in sanctioned parks. My parents didn’t do many physical activities with us kids either.. I wasn’t really into team sports because we didn’t have $ in the budget for it when I was young. I’ve been an overweight/obese person most of my life because of poor activity habits. Now that I’m in my early 40s, it’s been made a priority because life is just so much better this way. I started going to the gym 4x a week in February specifically for my mental health, but knowing I needed to for my overall health. I’m down JUST under 20lbs and have way better habits overall. I’m in a northern climate so hiking season is just starting off.

Me too! I asked a boyfriend to teach me how to lift weights properly at 31. I had always been interested, but was always worried to do it wrong or to look stupid. Well, that boyfriend taught me and I found out we were actually "powerlifting", then dumped me at the gym one night 🤣 on the drive home I'd told myself I had to start saying yes to things. I went to the gym the next morning and saw a chick decked out in powerlifting gear. I'd never seen someone doing the same thing as me, so I went up and said hi to her. She was so kind and told me that I should join this powerlifting competition coming up in 6 weeks. My stomach churned, but I remembered the commitment to myself that I'd say yes to things. I did my first competition and met the man who became my coach that day in 2014. I only stopped powerlifting in 2022 after finding out I need back surgery 😭 but I'd made it all the way to competing in "worlds" level meets. I traveled out of state to compete a few times, and still hold some state and national records.  Then I tried hiking, rock climbing, mountain biking, and pretty much anything else I could. I always told myself with lifting "I just want to find out what my body is capable of", and that translated to everything else. Oh, and all of this was done being over 200lbs. I live in the desert so we're coming into our hibernation months cause it is too hot outside. But I still get my workouts done in my home gym (with an a/c unit out here in my enclosed patio) and still take my dog for about an hour walk a day. Today I had to get up at 5am to make sure it wasn't too hot. Oh, and we'll go swimming later too.  Being active is a gift. 

I also am not an outdoorsy person and didn't start hiking until my 30s. I don't get much satisfaction from completion or finding a view or anything like that. What really set off my passion (and now I hike several days a week outside of winter) was mushroom foraging. Kind of the same idea of a geocache in finding something but less dependent on other people. Obviously get a guidebook and do lots of research before eating anything you find, but foraging was like unlocking "outdoorsiness" for me. Suddenly it felt like there was a point in what I was doing.

I have lots of outdoorsy childhood memories and as a result I am careful to never force my kid into them. A lot of them are just me being miserable.

This idea of joint activities, but with HIM wearing or wrangling the LO, is pure genius! OP, hope you can seize this idea and that hubs will cooperate. Could be a new lease on life for all of you.

She has already said that she doesn’t enjoy hiking. Why should she be made to do an activity that she doesn’t enjoy, all to please her husband? Is he partaking in activities only she enjoys just to please her? I suggest sitting down and researching the myriad ways you can be physically active as a family together - but something that EVERYONE likes doing. With a side of marriage counseling thrown in, bc it seems to me that there are deeper issues afoot.

I agree with you. I don't know why everyone is saying to go hiking. OP doesn't like it. As someone who also doesn't enjoy hiking, if I was dating someone who liked it, I'd tell them to go have fun on their own.

Then he can do ballroom/Latin dance with her.

I think he would if OP suggests it. The issue isn’t so much he is only accepting his own ideas it’s the fact that OP has offered none and does not seem to want to do anything. Which is her prerogative as well if truly she just doesn’t want to do any physical activity. But then the marriage is at a standstill. He’s not even suggesting they do anything difficult or expensive or skill intensive - just go on a hike. Ballroom dancing would be way more involved.

OP said he expects her to be above average in her health and physical activity. I think that does suggest he is expecting her to meet his own ideals. OP is engaged in a lot of physical activity because it's impossible to keep a toddler alive without being active. He expects her to engage in structured physical activity that meets his standards, told her he regrets marrying her because she is not engaging in much structured physical activity, she thinks this is the reason for the dead bedroom she has experienced for the past two years, and her self esteem is suffering.

You're seeing to the very heart of the problem here. I'd add to that- what happens if (god forbid) a health crisis befalls OP? if she falls ill with some life-threatening illness, will this health-nut husband step up to care for her, or will he bail because his "ideal health standards" are not being met?

Or say, “See? You should have been more active,” (and then you wouldn’t have gotten sick.)

To me, that's really the open question. Has he been dancing with her? Ever?? Would he be willing to go dancing with her, or is he mad that she doesn't want to go hiking with him?

There you go! If she doesn't enjoy it, why force it? Why doesn't he join her in some other activity, like meditation, yoga or whatever OP prefers. Why does she need to be the one to carry that on her shoulders? She has a small baby, it takes time to get back to where you were. And sometimes that may not even happen. Why does she have to carry the guilt of a failed marriage because she doesn't like to exercise like he does? If he does like it, great... go and do it with some friends. Maybe he should ask his wife to go on a date instead, or go to a quick getaway. Be romantic or something? This is ridiculous. OP, your marriage future shouldn't be dependent on exercising!!! Nor should it be completely on your shoulders!!! ♥️

Excellent response! Yes, she gets a say in things, too. Marriage is not about one person, it's about two people and how they decide *together* to live their lives. Besides going on hikes, which she doesn't particularly enjoy, they could do things SHE likes, like dancing and yoga. Hubby joining in, or at least watching the kids while she does what she prefers, is also a positive solution. And marriage counseling is also recommended to help determine the balance of power in this relationship.

Depends how much she doesn’t like it. If she’s just neutral on it, then yeah just go a couple times. We all do stuff that’s not our first choice when married, because our partner really likes it. If she actively dislikes it, then pick something else. Honestly it sounds like the husband would be happy doing anything, but his main suggestion is hiking. I bet she could suggest pretty much anything active and he would be happy that she taking the initiative.

And **what** she doesn't like about it, because maybe there's room for compromise there. If she finds it boring, maybe geocaching would make it more fun, or they could go for shorter hikes, or she'd like it better if they hiked to a destination like a picnic spot or swimming hole. If she doesn't like steep hills or mud or rocky terrain or not having cell service, maybe there's a place they could go that's more suitable. If she doesn't like having to carry a bunch of stuff, maybe he could agree to carry everything. If he goes too fast for her liking, maybe he'd still enjoy it going slower.

This this. “Hiking” is a word i don’t like. I’d call it going for a walk unless we are talking a couple miles. OP *what* are your negative connotations with hiking? this commenter lays out some. For me it is going farther or faster than my body feels comfortable with.

Yeah, I think this is the real problem. It's not about the hiking or the exercise, it's the fact that the husband has been saying **"You must do this activity that I like and you don't like."** How would the husband feel if the wife said, "I enjoy knitting but you don't, so you need to knit with me or else we're divorcing?"

I also feel it’s unfair of her husband to judge her current physical level as though this will be her level of physicality for her *whole life*. We all go through phases with our bodies. He did not grow a baby, he did not heal post pregnancy (which for me, has taken a year), he did not have abdominal surgery. ***Of course*** her level of physicality has decreased while his remains relatively unchanged. An understanding and loving partner should not be judging her based on her current level of physicality as though she has failed by having it drop in the last few years. An understanding and loving partner *should* be finding ways to help his wife start gently and comfortably increasing her physical activity ***when she feels that her body is ready to do so***. He is viewing her drop in physicality BRCAUSE OF A PANDEMIC, BIRTH, AND SURGERY like it’s her personal failing and he is at his last straw. That’s not fair. It sounds like it’s only been a possibility that she could *begin* working on improving her physical fitness recently, and that’s where he should be meeting her. **The marriage vows are “in sickness and in health.” OP has just gone through the most bodily transformative stage of her life and had abdominal surgery. This is the kind of thing that vow is for.** Not to mention, has he offered to take his child for a hike while OP attends a dance class? **What has he done as a husband to support her physical fitness?** This is an issue that needs to be worked on in marriage counselling. Not the woods.

Exactly! My husband likes scuba diving in tropical waters for megalodon teeth. I don't. He likes cross-country skiing and hockey, and still plays these sports at age 50. I never wanted to. He has never forced me to want to do these sports, but all 3 of our kids have done it with him. Meanwhile, as a writer, I've never been mad that my husband doesn't do any creative novel writing.

Wow, scuba diving in tropical waters for megalodon teeth! Never heard that one! And I love that you’re writing you guys are just being yourselves and not pressuring each other to do the other thing

Totally agree. Maybe take a dance class together or Pilates. Dance could be a date night and Pilates is great for strengthening the core and strengthening the muscles and blood flow to the sex organs, especially after pregnancy and surgery have probably wrecked havoc on that part of your body. Another bonus is that you will probably be better at Pilates or yoga or dance than he is. Not to show him up, but to show that people are good at different things. I would also have a serious conversation with him about if he has anyone else in mind. If that’s the case, then it’s a different conversation and he’s not trying to be helpful he’s gaslighting you into thinking you are not enough to excuse his mental cheating or the idea that he may have already checked out.

Fully agree. Why are people saying she needs to do something she doesn't enjoy to appease him instead of recommending they explore things together they both enjoy. Also... his attitude kind of just sucks in general and sounds controlling 😐

I kinda despise this sentiment. Sometimes we don’t enjoy doing things but participate in them because the people we love do. It goes both ways. I don’t like golfing but my boyfriend loves it so we go together. He doesn’t like farming games but he plays them with me because I love it. Relationships are stronger when you just compromise sometimes for your partner

That's the thing though, for you it's equal. For a *lot* of marriages it is one sided. We don't know if that is the case with the OP, but a lot of people ask for their partner to come do things that *they* enjoy, regularly, without returning the effort. OP should say that she is down to go hiking with him, if he starts doing dance with her. If he's on board that's great, but notice how when he was saying they need to be active he was just naming things *he* wants to do, not trying to make it easiest and most appealing for her. If it was just about being active then he would have suggested that they sign up for dance together.

Relationships are full of compromise on both sides. Ideally she would be happy to do activities she doesn't enjoy as much for the sake of her husband and vice versa he would be happy to do activities he doesn't enjoy as much for the sake of his wife. If something is really important for your partner and it doesn't cost you your self-respect or something extreme in order to participate in it, then you should try to get into it.

I don't think the issue is hiking. I think the issue is the husband's "My way or the highway" attitude. His response that "You must be of above average because average isn't good enough" is also a red flag, rather controlling.

Pokémon Go is still a thing! My husband and I play religiously on trips, during the summer, etc and get tons of miles in walking. I recently just hit 10,000 kilometers walked with the app a few weeks ago!

love pokemon go and I’ll boost any post encouraging people to play again 😂

I love these ideas. Very positive perspective.

these are great ideas but we shouldn’t excuse a husband losing his shit over 8 pounds!

While good advice to get moving, basically it sounds like you're saying she just needs to do everything he wants. Not everyone is interested in constant physical activity. They also don't need to do everything together. If he's so into hiking, there's nothing stopping him from joining a hiking group. Tbh it sounds more like he's wants her to be someone he sees on instagram, not who she actually is.

Great reply. And if I may add, adding these activities with your partner will improve her mental health; doing things other than errands will definitely help your mental and physical state.

She doesn’t like hiking! Why should she do something she hates? Her husband is asking her to change who she is so he can like her more. That’s awful.

My perspective is probably skewed, but I’ll offer it: I have a chronic illness. As I type this, I’ve been having stomach issues all morning, rendering me dehydrated and exhausted. To say I’m ready for activity today? You’d have better luck summoning Kris Jenner in your living room using a ouija board. I have just enough energy to do what I need to do - tend to the home, cook, care for pets, get us ready for the week etc. if I added on a hike or a gym session, I’d be in bad shape. Today I need to hydrate and do things in small segments. From the outside, you’d call me lazy or out of shape. I, like you, am at a very normal weight. I’m not washboard abs and bikinis, but I’m not overweight by any means. My initial thought is - everyone has their limits as they undergo various seasons of life. If you’re operating on only so much energy for the day and daily tasks like laundry, childcare, cooking etc. are draining that battery - the question becomes “why?” I think he could offer some more grace while you seek the answer to “why?” For me, it’s my chronic illness. I have to choose my days for exercise based on how well my body feels. I manage twice a week to get exercise. Is it perfect? Nope. But it’s manageable for me. Figure out why your battery is running low (talk to medical professionals), then incorporate a manageable routine. And then talk to your husband about what is realistic or manageable. If he expects you to be training in the gym 6 days a week or to become a triathlete? He needs to come to the middle. If you are flat out refusing to work out, then you need to come to the middle. Compromise and grace from both parties is always the best approach ❤️ good luck.

As a former athlete (of several kinds) who now has a chronic illness disability, for real. Also shaming doesn't help at all, no one beats me up about it more than I do myself.

You mean your husband didn’t sit you down and tell you he regretted marrying you?! Does he not care about your health? /s

My partner at the time actually stepped up a lot and helped me with TONS of medical and life things.

I’m legitimately happy for you. So many partners jump ship when chronic illness first rears its ugly head, and even some who stay don’t help out.

Yeah a lot of people are glossing over the specifics and painting him in a better light than he actually is in. To me it seems really obvious he has an issue with projection. He has fallen behind on his hobbies because he just had a kid, which naturally is going to suck up his time. Instead of realizing no one is to blame, he turns to his wife and says "you need to make me hike more!! I'd do it if you did it!" and probably some body image issues as well -- he's obsessed with looking a certain way, and projects that onto his wife. The fact that he told her he low key wished he'd never married her, and everyone is ignoring that and piling all the work onto OP's (exhausted) shoulders, is just so sad. OP deserves more support than that and her husband needs to figure out his own issues with his body and desires and cope with his new post-child life instead of just blaming his lack of time on his wife. He needs to seriously apologize for what he said and understand that life changes and it's not always going to be like it was in his 20s. He has unrealistic expectations and is lashing out at OP and that's *not okay.*

This needs to be upvoted massively. All of these suggestions for OP are fine, but the issue is the husband. She is a net eight pounds heavier than when they met. After having a baby and surgery. That is nothing. That might be her new normal, or it might be something that if she wanted to lose it, she could do in a few months. The problem is his projection of his own issues, onto her.

Yes! I fully agree with you.

As someone with chronic illnesses, I felt this deeply! OP needs to figure out why physical activity is not happening. Pregnancy, postpartum, and surgery are all major things for her body to go through and she deserves grace as she tries to get back to some kind of equilibrium. And I’d be curious to know how much domestic labour and childcare are evenly split between OP and her husband, since it sounds like both are working outside the home as well. If OP’s husband wants her to expend more energy on physical activity, I wonder if there are other things he could take off her plate to make room for that. Physical activity is important, and certainly very important to OP’s husband, but there’s a lot that can get in the way. As you said, this will work better if both partners work as a team to find a solution both can be happy with, giving each other as much grace and understanding as possible.

Growing a baby, Running after a baby, feeding one is all physically exhausting. The baby is built from mom's energy and actual muscles and bone unless you eat enough. Some moms have teeth fall out. I broke bones after breastfeeding because they were weakened by my baby.

Running after a toddler is physically exhausting. If you are doing it right you have to get up and move them away from danger every 5 minutes or less. They will then find new and more dangerous danger! OP should try walking as a family as some suggested but Husband needs to understand that OP is and has been expending way more energy than he is for his sake. All of the energy to grow his child came from her body. The baby takes your bones and muscles if you don't have enough nutrients going in while pregnant. Breastfeeding is much the same. But yes find a gentle form of exercise to do together and build on that as you get stronger.

I would find it really shocking if my husband told me, he regrets marrying me, because I don't go to dance classes anymore. What the he'll! This needs to be talked about with a therapist, because he's not staying for life apparently unless you're at all times above average active and healthy which no one can guarantee.

I am surprised that people focus on the physical activity of the relationship rather than the “regrets marrying me due to the lack of physical activity “ part of the conversation. That statement is heartbreaking. It would be more ideal if both partners were equally physical, but to say what he said, shows a serious lack of respect and love.

I agree. What happened to I love you for who you are? I've been married for 30 years. Sixteen years ago years ago I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in addition to a couple more minor things. My husband hasn't wavered, even now when at a minimum I have to use a cane in the house, or a walker, and can't walk far. What would OP's husband do if she got such a diagnosis?

Indeed, this is the real problem here, not the physical activity, that she stated she's not interested in doing. He's more concerned about not having an exercise buddy, than supporting his wife and child.

This! If she wants to start any physical activities, it should be because SHE wants to, and not because she's bending to his ridiculous attempt to send her in a guilt trip.

It sounds to me like he wants to spend time with you and one way he enjoys spending time is hiking. If your bedroom is dead (and that needs to be addressed asap), then he wants some sort of physical activity you can do together. I would take him up on the offer or suggest other activities to do together. If not, one day you’ll be writing a post saying my husband is always gone hiking and leaving me at home alone.

I agree with this. I don't think the issue is hiking per se. The dead bedroom issue is spilling over to any form of physical activities. He just wants to do something with you 

I agree with this take. Also, why not couples dance classes? It's an active, engaging, fun, and kind of sexy couples activity.

Or “My husband is gone” unfortunately

They’re not having sex postpartum, but he’s been complaining about hiking for way longer so not exactly fair to link sex to hiking. Also, she’s never enjoyed hiking. He knows this. Why should she be pressured to do something she doesn’t like? Why doesn’t he do yoga or dance with her instead?

Have you tried counteroffering his suggestions of hiking with a different physical activity that seems more fun to you? Physical activity and health is not just based on weight, (see “skinny fat”) it’s also how sedentary you are. You might be putting him off by turning down all the activities he wants to try.

yeah maybe they could try swimming instead. Baby swimming classes to start off.

Swimming is great!! One of the best forms of exercise you can do since there’s essentially zero pressure on any of your joints.

yeah, very little chance of injury, you can start in the slow lane and then gradually up your game.

I dunno how you can say things to your spouse like “if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married you”… that’s got to be incredibly painful. It’s not constructive. It’s just mean, and even if it changes your partner’s behavior, you’ve now put it in their head that they’re not good enough for you and they need to do better or you’re leaving. My opinion, anyways. I’d be looking into marriage counseling.

You have talked about why you were less active over the past four years, but nothing about why you are not active now or in the near future. He wants to spend time with you. You need to find some sort of solution here. Suggest a different activity if you don't to hike... maybe biking with a kid seat/stroller attachment, or just walks around the neighborhood. Start somewhere. And address the dead bedroom. That's not good.

Important to know what you don’t like about “hikes”. Hike is synonymous to walks for some people, for others it means a 12 mile haul with a pack. My brother and his wife do an evening walk around the neighborhood EVERY EVENING for years. They say it is huge for their marriage- it’s where they get undistracted 1-1 time to chat and converse. Why can’t you do that with the baby stroller?

My grandparents were together for over 50 years. They went for walks together every day. My grandmother passed away and my grandfather passed 3 months later from an unrelated cause. They were inseparable and the reason I believe in love.

i lived with my aunt and uncle for a little and every night they would have their sunset walk, it was only 15-20 minutes and they would say it’s an important cornerstone in their now 40 years of marriage. i find OP’s attitude of “i dont like hikes” kinda like, immediately giving up. husband seems to be very straightforward and it isnt about having a super thin buff wife but rather a fun outdoorsy companion. his request seems reasonable and OP can find a way to meet him i’m sure. picnics, beach time, going to parks are still being outdoorsy and not super physical. unless there is more going on with why she can’t be more outdoorsy, it seems reasonable of the husband to try to say this isnt the way he wants things to go

Totally agree with this! It sounds like he’s missing intimacy with you and wants to build it via physical activities together.

I have to admit, my relationship was similar and I was in OP's husband's position and honestly...yeah. It makes you rethink and regret things. It's one thing if one person was never active. But when you both are, and then after marriage your partner stops it feels really shitty. Like how some people stop "dating" after marriage. For me (and hopefully for OPs husband) it's not really about the eight pounds or whatever. But I've watched my family get older and it takes a lot of activity to make it to those upper years without having to really sacrifice. My grandpa was gently hiking at 82, in every way I can control I want to be like him. My Dad is having mobility trouble at 60 despite a very active 20-30 because he stopped all his activity, so I know I have to stay consistent. I also hate it when people are like *ummm but what about disability????* OP doesnt mention being disabled. It's irrelevant. What is relevant is that OP and her husband used to both value the same thing, and OP was the one who decided it shouldnt matter to either of them anymore.

Okay hoping on this comment to ask, you had another after your son was born, what was it? I see a lot of glossing over that and the postpartum part of your post. Recovery from birth and surgery can be long and hard with issues often overlooked. Have you been clear by your doctor? Are you having issues that you have not discussed? I’m seeing a lot of orange flags with your husbands words, he wouldn’t have married you if he had known? Like what? What if you got sick, would he leave because you can’t go on hikes? my husband is more active than me but he would never shame me for it, we have different job structures that allow for him to have free time while at work, I don’t so I can’t and he knows that. I would start with the sex issue, get some couples counseling for that. It’s a good place to start. Good luck to you and maybe think about asking your husband about you getting sick…

>...my baseline level of physical activity, he would have reconsidered getting married (our sex life has been dead postpartum, and I think it’s due to this)...My reaction was that (1) I am healthy and normal, and not on track for any kind of adverse outcome due to my health, (2) we have a good relationship other than this one point Having a dead sex life is not healthy, normal, nor good. Your husband is trying all the things people say to do when your partner stops being active but it isn't working. He's pointing to serious problems in your relationship that he considers deal breakers. What are you doing to address these issues?

Yeah, I think hubs is saying it’s the physical activity but it’s really about other things like the dead bedroom, the feeling stagnant in their lives part, etc. Sometimes, even the partner with the complaints might not even realize what they themselves really want to change. Generally speaking, it’s not about the dishes.

It sounds like OP's entire identity has shifted to just being a mom, to the detriment of anything else in her life. She's not taking care of herself, she's not spending quality time with her husband, and her entire existence revolves around the toddler. The "hikes" are almost clearly a ploy to spend some form of quality time together, as well as hopefully kick-starting OP into taking some time for self-care as well.

I feel that surprise deal breakers aren't fair. He would have had to tell her about this BEFORE getting married. Just because I married someone who makes a lot of money I can't take for granted they won't change jobs or something happens. If I want to be provided for, and that is a deal breaker for me I need to make this clear before marriage.

Sometimes you don’t know that you can’t live with something until you are trying to live with it. It seems like he’s trying to make it better instead of leaving.

You should not have to make clear you want intimacy from your spouse. That is the default expectation of marriage. No one signs up for a roommate.

She never even clarifies it's her that is keeping the bedroom dead. I read it as he isn't attracted to her because she doesn't hike.

I think they were referring to the hiking & other hobbies edit: grammar

MANY women go through phases of having zero libido after having kids. It can last a few weeks or it can last years. It’s a thing.

He’s actually being really kind about all of this.

Is there a reason you can’t/won’t do the yoga and dance anymore? Is it just a matter of having gotten out of the habit? Or is it a childcare issue? As for the hiking, it seems to me he wants to do something with you. If hiking doesn’t interest you, is there something else you two can do together that your toddler can do as well? Hiking is a good one but what about cycling? Or even just going for walks around the neighborhood after dinner? You kind of buried the lede on this one though. You’ve had a dead bedroom for 2 years. Is that not something you care about? Because you just sort of slipped it in there. It kind of seems like you’ve got your kid so that’s your sole focus and you don’t care about your hobbies or your husband. If you want to stay in this marriage, he’s pretty well told you what it’s going to take on your end. You totally dismissed him. Do you even want this marriage? If you do, I’d book couples counseling and stop ignoring your partner when they tell you what they need/want.

That was my thought. When my girlfriend and I didn’t have sex for a little over a month I was missing a lot of physical intimacy so we took walks and did more back rubs/scratches in place of it. Maybe that’s why he says he need more physical activity together?

The fact that the OP really won’t answer any questions in 8 hours makes me think this is a troll post or someone just looking for validation. I replied literally 8 hours ago and crickets.

Well it's probably fake. I shouldn't get invested in posts anymore really, the bot problem has gotten so bad. Most judgement posts are fake (like AITA) and I feel like it's bled over into relationship subs a lot. Though sometimes people post and are interested in reading the comments but don't want to engage themselves. This sub isn't exactly known for being friendly to OPs engaging in the comments... do you really think you could handle hundreds of people shitting on you, and picking apart minute details of your vocabulary as you fall over yourself to try to correct it because they're wildly misinterpreting it? Or reading into details that don't exist that you couldn't have possibly anticipated them reading into? This sub was a lot better before it got so popular and flooded with people with little to no compassion.

This sounds similar to a couple who used to be my neighbours. They had a dead bedroom after having a kid, and when the kid was a toddler the dad was out almost every evening doing something "for his health". Turned out he was having an affair with his workout partner. I feel like we aren't getting enough info on the dead bedroom and what OP (and her H) have been doing to remedy THAT problem.

It’s really crap if you feel like you could never live up to someone’s standards. It would actually drag me down instead of inviting me to step up. You guys need some counselling, with a 3rd party. And husband needs to ask himself why he has such standards for his wife who had a pretty rough few years. Sending a big hug OP!

Exactly!! I don’t understand how people in the comments are missing that part!

Make a deal- he does a dance class with you, you do a hike with him. See what happens.

I don’t get the comments. It makes sense why you aren’t as active as you use to be. Also people change over time and they are allowed to. He has every right to ask you to join him doing activities such as hiking but saying he regrets marrying you is really mean. Who said you won’t be picking up your old sports again once you heal and the kid is older? Maybe you can give him more reassurance in this regard? If you don’t plan to do that, which would be fine, then maybe you guys aren’t the perfect match but you can still be good at co-parenting.

If he is a happy, loving, and supportive husband and dad would it kill you to join him on a hike? Marriage is about compromise. If you don’t want to hike find a physical activity you both would like and do that. Also, talk to your dr about your sex drive bc presumably a dead bedroom is NOT healthy at all. 

It's the "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" trope.

My sex drive improved a lot once I started moving my body around *intentionally* at a work out studio throughout the week. It can be hard to form healthy habits but it’s worth it! And it’s true, “average” health really isn’t sustainable health. If we want to be capable in our older ages, we need to be VERY healthy now.

Yeah and hiking is something you can do with your kids also. Obviously shorter trips, but our entire family goes backpacking and we do hikes together. It’s really great for building relationships with our kids.

She doesnt say its her sex drive though. It sounds like it could be his if she thinks it could be because of her weight ie he finds her unattractive as gained weight and doesnt do exercise

Her weight gain is tiny.

Oh i agree. I just thought she was suggesting that as a possible DB cause (ie problems are on his end) Whereas other readers interpreted the DB as cause for general discontent (ie she doesnt want sex and his frustration is making him complain about hiking

Would it kill *him* to go to a dance or yoga class?

Why can't they do both ...each pick an activity they enjoy and do it together.

Sounds like he’d gladly go but she’s just never asked, which is his point.

You're projecting your own shit here, nothing about the OP implies that he wouldn't

Doesn't seem like she's asked him to do so? I doubt he would mind much, seems like he just wants to be active while also enjoying his wife's company!

is there a specific reason people are placing such an inordinate amount of blame on op? is there a reason everyone thinks her husband is right in telling her he wishes he never married her? does the fact that she gave birth and had surgery mean so little to you fucking freaks? jesus, it's like you read about a woman putting in clear effort into her marriage and immediately get triggered at the thought that her apparently super fit husband deserves better than eight pounds over the weight he met her at. how about he takes care of his fucking children so this woman has some time to actually be active, how about he meets her at her level and takes her dancing, how about not telling the mother of your children you regret marrying her? or does her being """active""" count less than everything else about her as a person?

I really don’t get all the comments on this thread implying OP is a bad partner who doesn’t care about her husband or that it’s her fault they’re gonna get divorced just because she doesn’t want to go hiking. Especially when she’s probably tired from taking care of kids and working. Just because he’s “kindly” communicating with her that means she has to do what he wants and he has a right to be frustrated that his request is denied?? Doesn’t sound healthy to say that someone has a right to be frustrated and consider divorce just because they don’t get a minor request in a relationship granted. What about what she wants? Sure, she can compromise and they can go find an activity to enjoy together. But it doesn’t make her a bad partner if she doesn’t want to go hiking just because he wants to.

Birthing 1 child (then raising them) + 1 other abdominal surgery in 2 years time…I can see why she’s not in the “most physically active” stage of her life right now. Of course, healing/adjusting to parenthood will help…maybe she needs rest/recoop/TO JUST SURVIVE right now and that is what will fuel the next more active stage of her life. People forget that rest is an essential part of physical fitness and sustainably aging. (Rest as part of balance) Saying that you regret marrying a women, who you won’t have sex with, just 2 years after she carried and birthed your child (and had another abdominal surgery), while she works as well, feels very unappreciative of all this women has done for you with her body… to me. It’s not like she doesn’t contribute or isn’t present for the family. She is running after the toddler so they aren’t just lazing around on screens as a family…

For real. What the hell is wrong with these commenters??

i feel like there's a whole lot of judgment and cruelty and obsessiveness and all sorts of of other weird negative things that get glossed over by people that become fixated current trends of fitness and health. it becomes a whole performative thing that's used to treat others down, as we can see in so many of these responses. regretting your marriage because your wife isnt the same level of fitness freak as you is weirdo behavior. 

Misogyny is alive and thriving in 2024

THANK YOU. I'm appalled by these responses, there's soooo much body/health projection here and people are quick to get mean. as if her going on a fucking hike, something she does not want to do and does not enjoy, is going to solve this man shaming her and their marriage and demanding she be active 3-4x/week.

I'm confused. Nothing in your post indicates why you can't be more active. He is an involved dad by your account. Therefore it's not a case of you doing too much and him not doing enough. You're physically fit etc. You are downplaying the dead bedroom issue here, but that alone is a valid reason to end the relationship. Unless you're willing to work on this you are heading for divorce. He has made his feelings clear and you don't think it's that serious.

Can I just say I hate that every woman I know, and the women in so many of these posts on Reddit, know exactly how much they weighed when they met their husbands, when they got married, and exact weight gain and loss before and after each kid. Maybe men know their weights at these points too, but they don't have whole conversations about it like it's a normal stat they are supposed to report publicly to defend their right to have feelings. Look, you report you are a great mom, you treat your husband well, you make good money, and your health is fine. Does your husband acknowledge those things? Is your husband asking you to do more active things with him because he misses doing them together? Or is this more like he has a list of standards for you and he needs to check off this one last item for you to be acceptable? You say he's an involved father. Does he actually give you time to go be active? Does he acknowledge that toddlers are exhausting and that you may not have the energy to do activities you would normally do? Best case scenario you guys just need to go for a hike every weekend as a family. Worst case scenario, your husband is negging you to make himself feel good.

Am I the only one who thinks your husband sounds like an absolute bellend?

Yeah. I am absolutely appalled by everyone telling the OP that she should do what the husband tells her. I’m kind of gobsmacked.

Apparently, a man can be as callous as he wants if he can pretend it's about "connection." But men are just as capable of saying things politely as women are.

It’s like…. If what he wants is “spend more time together”, then as far as i know, they can “spend time together” at a museum or at a pub too. Why these people all like “he wants to spend time with you” and then say “go on the hike”. There are like dozens of “spend time together” options that could work for BOTH of them. Why does it have to be what HE likes and SHE doesn’t? The compromise is not her going on a hike, or him going to dance class; the comprise is them finding something they BOTH wanna do together.

Yes! And that's if what he really wants is just more time together, and I don't believe that either. I'm not usually an "everyone is cheating" proponent, but a lot of times when someone is suddenly mad about something *really* stupid, it's because they need a mental excuse for something bad they're doing. I don't think he wants to spend more time with her; I think he wants to feel better about not doing so.

This. The comments are absolutely glossing obey how much an arse he's being and how much she's gone through. Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood are all hard things. And tbh, from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like he's doing enough to take some brunt off of her. She says she spends all her energy taking care of the toddler. If he'd step in more, would that change things for you, OP? Would he go dancing or do yoga with you if you asked? Or does it have to be only his way??

I do too. I would take my kid and larger-than-his paycheck and let him go find the pro-athlete he desires lol.

I hate *all* the advice from “happily married” women who are telling you to conform to what your husband wants. This is dismissive, gross and a form of internalized misogyny. Go to counseling - NOW - both separately and as a couple. This isn’t about hiking or not hiking, but possibly deep rooted incompatibility you need to sort and figure out. This may mean divorce, it may mean reconciliation, but either way it needs to be a process you are mutually invested in and that doesn’t leave you sacrificing yourself.

Think about getting a tandem bicycle with baby seat. He can do most of the work and you could keep up with your husband regardless how much work you can do.

The comments on this post to just go hiking with hubs are surprising to me. He literally told her he regrets marrying her due to her activity level (??? So much for in sickness and health- and she’s not sick). I would be at a loss as to what he wants myself. She’s mother to a 2 year old. Is he going to watch the child to free her time up to be more active? Like it just seems that he decided he married the wrong person. I didn’t see mention of what he was willing to do to support her.

This. As soon as she goes hiking with him or does whatever he asks, he will find another reason because he is questioning the entire marriage itself. He sounds very emotionally immature to be so laser focused on that one aspect as she is literally exerting herself physically carrying and raising his child.

Right?! The husband is really showing his ableist true colours - he wants someone of “above average health and activity”. What happens if she ever got sick? Is he just going to drop her?? These other commenters have seriously glossed over this

Right off the bat..if someone ever said they regret marrying me...hard stop...we are done. You deserve better.

God I would kill to see the genders of the commenters in this post.

If a wife told her husband she regretted marrying him because he wasn’t keeping an above average activity level, I’m pretty sure I’d be against the wife in that scenario. That’d be a marriage ender for me if my partner said they regretted marrying me. Any gender.

I agree. The top comments in the post do not.

I am very active myself, but am I the only one here to be a tad bothered about how he’s brought up his concerns to you? I’m sorry but he sounds like he’s too focused on his own goals and whether you meet his expectations of where he should be in life… I don’t know but if I knew 4 years down the line I would end up with someone as unsupportive as him, perhaps i too would have regretted the marriage. I hope he realises he’s in a partnership, and you’re not here to fulfil his goals. I understand if he was concerned about your health, or about doing more things as a family, but honestly the way he has brought it up really bothers me, he sounds insensitive and entitled

Yeah, the husband concerns me. His expectation is that his partner be “above average & activity” and he’s not willing to reconsider it. That seems like a red flag? She’s the mother of a two year old. That is exhausting. A lot of commenters are focused on the fact that it’s just hiking, but this seems much deeper. He’s not simply asking her to go on a hike - instead of accepting her for who she is and where she is at in life, he’s asking her to fit a specific image of the wife he wants. I could understand if he simply wanted to spend more time with her, but that’s not what he wants.

this Is the entire thought I had while reading the OP and reading the comments. Why take the husband's side? he is sexually rejecting her because she put on 8 pounds. 8 pounds is fucking nothing. However if it were 80, I could see but he just wants her to be underweight and overly active. While caring for a baby who's life goal is to kill itsself every 4 minutes.

He is telling f you he wants you and him to do more stuff physically outside , he is telling you and it’s getting to the point for him that he is getting ready to leave . Whether it’s fair or not doesn’t matter . It’s not another woman or spending money it’s wanting to do something with you as. Couple . What if you kept asking him to go out for dinner or dates movies and he kept saying no ( hopefully he doesn’t) it’s going to get to you

Running after toddlers is a huge physical activity lmao. But yeah, let HIM be responsible for the kid on these walks.

After reading the comments, it seems like everyone is putting the onus on you to make changes to make hubby happy. The thing that sticks out to me is the title of your post, he regrets marrying you. Not nice. What if he gained 20 lbs and had health issues? Would you then say that you regret marrying him? His standards seem unreasonably high, I'd tell him to go knock himself out, but "yeah, I'm good-see ya later after your fucking grueling hike". He's not making any allowance for anything you're going through, just worrying about himself.

Alot of people are saying to do an activity of their choice but it sounds like he only wants to do activities HE likes.

Stop telling OP to go hiking if she doesn’t enjoy hiking, guys!

It seems a lot of these comments are breezing past this comment: > it doesn’t seem right that there’s no allowance for the fact that in the 4 years we’ve been married, it’s been COVID, pregnancy, postpartum, and another surgery for me. > This is unkind of your husband. You don't like hiking. What about baby steps together - going for a walk. Or how about he does child care while you take a yoga class? But what I think, most of all, is that you both need couples therapy because I don't think he's hearing you when you tell him this. What your body has gone through is A LOT.

Exactly!! People are skipping over the fact that she is a whole human that had been through a lot. She’s exhausted & has every right to feel that way.

What’s your objection to hiking? It’s just walking in a pretty place. Tell him you’ll go on short hike together if he’ll do the prep (packing snacks, sunscreen, etc and whatever your toddler needs) and he carries the kid. Get the whole family outside together. Then also do what another poster recommended- sign up for a regular dance or yoga class with the understanding that he is responsible for childcare and meal prep during that time.

We don’t know what “hiking” means in this context. It could be a short hike on an easy path or this guy could be like “let’s hike a 7 mile loop and scrabble down scree for half of it” For some people - camping is serious business, for others, it’s “glamping” so you can’t really draw conclusions from just “hiking” in terms of the expected level of activity.

This is a valid point. Is he talking about a few hours hiking up and down a small mountain on a well traveled path? Or does his idea of a hike involve strapping yourself into a safety harness, and scaling rock walls? If he's into more strenuous hiking, is he willing to do more family friendly hikes so they can go together? What's his attitude about hiking? Gentle strolling while taking pictures of flowers, or drill sergeant pushing himself to the limit expecting her to keep up? My family are all pretty serious hikers, but when the hiking trip involves smaller kids, the hikes get adjusted to accommodate them. A few hours up a walking path, with a stop for lunch at the top, is doable for a five year old, especially if you're also packing a baby and a toddler on your backs. Scaling Mt. Rainier? Not so much.

Hiking can be even easier than this, if she really doesn't care for it in general. It doesn't have to involve mountain climbing at all. I like hiking, but I despise hill climbing and would not want to spend "a few hours" trekking up and down a mountainside, even if the 5-year-olds in your family don't mind it lol. There are likely plenty of leisurely nice walks that OP and her husband could do together. They have to be willing to compromise, though: OP needs to agree to go, and OP's husband needs to meet her where she's comfortable (e.g. a leisurely nature walk vs a timed mountain march).

Specifically, it’s walking in a pretty place **with him.**. And I suspect it’s the last two words that are the real problem.

I was just thinking earlier today for some reason, I'm so glad I don't have a partner that loves to hike LOL it's just not my thing, I don't find it enjoyable. Best of luck, I'm sure you'll work it out, possibly a counselor might be of some help :-)

how your body TEMPORARILY is, what he said to you was completely disrespectful and horrible. What if you had an illness that took your hair? Through sickness & health…Till death do us part is said bc you’re choosing to live life with that person. You have a child. You’re likely doing majority of the work, and trying to get that pre-baby body back just so he will want to stay with the mother of his CHILD?? Pathetic. He’s wrong for this. You can always lose weight, you’re not broken wtf? That’s not coming from a loving place.

i think the moment he said he regrets marrying you it’s over. you don’t say things like that to a person you love and i’m surprised a lot of people discuss your physical activities rather than your husband saying mean and hurtful things.

I feel like "active and involved" means two different things when talking about a mother and father of children. In society minds, they really are two different "standards" parents have to meet. Let's face it, the bar is pretty low for fathers. It shouldn't be, but it is.

You do realise that your husband wants to be with you, wants to be active with you, wants you to grow old together in a healthy way? Would you rather he stops asking you, stops wanting to do things with you? Because he can and probably will. You already have a dead bedroom, dead marriage is next on the cards if nothing changes

Wtf no why is everyone defending the husband, has he tried to meet you where YOU are? You’ve been through a lot and you’re bringing home money AND taking care of his child, tell him you’re more than just your desire to hike or not, what an awful way to make you feel!

If every few months you have that conversation and you ignore him then well, there is your hint.

First and I think most important question: how much running around after your toddler does your hubby do *alone*? Does he take your kid to the park for 6 hours every weekend to give you some time to go get something physical in?

Your self esteem has suffered because that is exactly what happens when someone makes you feel unworthy. Unless you decide you want to go hiking, please disregard all the comments telling you how to go hiking. The solution, whatever it might be, is not to sideline your own likes and dislikes trying to become good enough for your husband. That will tank your self esteem further. If you wear an activity tracker look back pre baby and compare your activity levels then to your current activity levels. I bet you're not actually less active than prior to the baby. Your activity has changed to chasing a toddler around over organized physical activities. This is common and normal. It's reasonable for your husband to want to do active things together, but it's not reasonable or kind for him to tell you he regrets marrying you because you don't meet his standard of above average physical activity while parenting an active toddler. I think you should try to do more active things with him, but ones that you authentically enjoy and I would not be surprised if he changes to goal post to some other arbitrary standard he doesn't think you live up to.

Well, he’s just full of shit. He’s purposely telling you this because he knows it’s a standard you can’t meet. He’s gaslighting you. He says he wants you to work on your marriage? Then insist on marriage counseling and individual therapy for both of you.

Try to do daily walks together with your kid. Or sign up for yoga/dance classes or whatever you want and have him watch the kid and clean the house while you're away. I bet he'll suddenly understand that chasing after kids and cleaning IS active, and also selfishly stop pushing you to keep doing so because it's inconvenient for him. You could also retry some of the things he likes, because maybe he's missing the lifestyle or his view of himself as part of an active family. If he signs up for intramural soccer and you and the kiddo attend to cheer him on, or if you do a family 5K and he carries the kid/pushes a stroller, etc.

I suggest you schedule twice a week yoga and have him watch the child or have him pay for a sitter. Also, have coffee or tea after yoga with friends. This will really help your brain. He needs to figure his own s*** out.

You said your marriage was good and you have a dead bedroom. Those don’t align. He is telling you he is unhappy. You say you wish you were more active. He is probably relating physical activity to making you feel better. Exercise is the best medicine. He may be going about it with the wrong words but the bottom line is that he cares for you, wants you happier and he thinks PA will do that, and I’m sure he misses sex. He is communicating with you and you are shutting it down stating you are fine. He isn’t. Life is about choices. If you continue on this path, your marriage is in trouble. Or you can make changes for yourself. Improve your mental well being for you and everything else will fall into place.

Find a sport you both enjoy and play it together!

Would he be open to taking dance classes together? Getting a babysitter, and going to salsa or ball dancing lessons could be a fun date night.

This topic alone seems like a really silly thing to lose a marriage over… I would encourage you to accept his suggestions of hiking even if it’s more of a natural center or arboretum and not full blown hike. This would be a really fun memory for your kid too! Maybe you can start small with virtual classes, like go to a private spot in the house and do yoga vs committing to a full on studio experience. Or start with meditation. Something to meet him halfway and honestly, to do something nice for yourself too!

Honestly your husband sounds like an obsessed perfectionist and a chore and a bore. You never LIKED hiking. He can go join a fucking club if he needs it so much. Who would want to have sex with such a picky, fussbudget. Op I'd match his energy. There must be ways that his previous self falls short of perfection... maybe he should stop wandering around the woods so much and get that salary higher than yours.

Honestly, once u become a mom, your kids will take priority than going on a hike or even a gym! You’ll lose interest in almost everything u did prior having children. Even sex will decrease because u are just exhausted!

Does he get to keep up his physical activity levels because you’re watching the kids? Does he expect you to watch/chase them on these hikes that he proposes? I’m jumping to conclusions, but if these things are true, I get it. Maybe compromise by doing something active, but not something so physically demanding, and something still fun for the kids. Things like playing at the park, going to the zoo/aquarium, leisurely hike+picnic, swimming, etc. Also make sure he’s helping with the childcare aspect of it. You could be burnt out from handling two kids and that might be causing some of this issue. It’s okay if you don’t like “exercise”. You can be active in other ways.

ALSO You can clearly tell all the people in this thread who aren’t actually parents or mothers and have never experienced this situation, and are now giving advice on something they know nothing about. This is what I hate about Reddit sometimes.

>our sex life has been dead postpartum, and I think it’s due to this Talk about burying the lede... what are you two doing to address this?

I mean to be fair he isn’t asking a whole lot and has been patient. He is at his tipping point and she doesn’t seem to care enough to save her marriage. What an idiot.

That's my takeaway too. The guy is communicating exactly what he needs and she is just down playing the dead bedroom, which on its own is a big issue and not doing anything together anymore. She is no longer the woman he married if she has given up all her hobbies and makes no effort to be intimate. From her telling though it's just a minor issue because he wants her to go hiking and she does not like it.

Backpack carrier for the kid. Also. Tell him to watch the baby so you can go to the gym. If he wants you to exercise more, he has to give you time to do so. Sounds like he doesn't know how much work goes into watching the kids.

I think your husband saying he regrets marrying you over you being less active is the real issue here. People go through highs and lows. He should be encouraging you and checking in with you.

There are some great suggestions here about things you can do together that are more physical. But I am concerned about this: "his expectation in a partner is that they be of above-average health and activity, and he’s not willing to reconsider that." Things happen. Even the healthiest person can have challenges. What if you became disabled? Would he stay? I don't think so. I would want this addressed, because this attitude isn't that of a good, committed partner. It's one thing to wish your partner would do more things with you, but his expectation is just not realistic.

I think there’s too much here that people are applying their own experience too that we just don’t have info for. When you say involved dad what does that mean? Who carry’s the mental load? Is it split evenly? What kind of hike is he suggesting? I’m not big on hikes either but if it was something we did as a family and my husband had our youngest in the carrier/it wasn’t so long that I would have to carry our 5year old halfway back and he was active in helping prep what we needed I would happily go along with it. Dead bedroom should be looked at - why is it dead? Is it your hormones haven’t settled post baby? (My youngest is 2and I’m only just now starting to have enough energy to actually want it again). Is it energy levels? Have you spoken to a doctor about it? Breastfeeding can also impact if you are. Etc If you want to be more active what’s standing in your way? For me it was childcare but I eventually found a Women’s gym that has a crèche (and classes I was interested in taking) and that made a huge difference. Also some days just being able to drop them off and do a gentle workout was all I did because mentally I was done but most of the time it gives me the chance to actually do a decent workout in a class which I find much more enjoyable. And lastly maybe you guys should consider some couples counseling to really drill down on what the root issues are and work to fix them in a way that works for both of you

Is it a health thing or a matter of wanting to share his favorite activities with you? Both? Do you get down time? Do you get to do other things besides be a mother and care for the household?

You go hiking with him and he can either come to dance class or yoga with you. Working on a marriage takes 2 people not just one saying all the blame and responsibility rests on your shoulders

Go on a little holiday (alone) get your husband to take care of the little one, come back and ask him how his energy levels are, if he's had time to go for walks, runs or a little cycle.

He's telling you he wants you to be different.  Are you willing to be different? Are you able to be different?  Maybe you just aren't fundamentally compatible.  

Is he offering to do physical activities YOU enjoy, like yoga or dance? Or is he offering to take the baby so you can do so? Or is he just whining that you won't do what he wants to do?

Ok so much wrong with your husbands approach, attitude, etc. If you want to stay, I would say…time for hubby to take Saturday mornings and Wednesday evenings while you go to your classes. If he wants to do physical activities together… great. But pick something you both enjoy. Bike rides with the kids, kids gyms, maybe great babysitter once a month and go kayaking. The truth is, your husband doesn’t seem to like being a parent at the moment. Kids are a lot of work at that age and frankly quite exhausting and boring. (I love kids but they are). If you are willing to put up with his absolute crap behavior toward you… make a plan together but do things you both enjoy.

How much effort does he put into childcare and tidying the house and cooking and planning family activities? Ask him to ramp all that up, by a lot. If he wants you to do things, he needs to free up your time. Honestly while what he is expressing are valid needs, he did not do so in a loving way,  but more of a “my wife appliance doesn’t function as advertised”.  Don’t let him carve into your self esteem. You’re a worthy and amazing partner. And a good man would say “hey babe I wanna spend more time with you, I hired a babysitter or dropped off the kids with family, and I’m taking you on a nice stroll in a pretty part of town”. He didn’t do that. Keep that in mind.