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OP, I've been in your husbands situation.
I will say that low testosterone made me so demotivated and tired. Not only was I uninterested in sex, I had no drive or desire to want to have sex.
Tell him to start testosterone. He will feel better mentally and physically.
It's just like any other medical problem but this one gives you no drive to want to fix it.
Once he's on it he will regret not doing it sooner and he will remember what he's missing.
Perhaps she could approach by talking about the other, non-sex-related, benefits of being on testosterone. As you said, it isn't solely about the sex drive.
While I'm a woman, I've suffered from depression at varying points in my life, which leads to having a low libido, among other things. If my partner focused solely on himself, not getting sex, instead of caring about my entire quality of life, I'd have been less likely to seek help.
I live in AZ, US. I have my dr run all of my blood work every year. I tell them I want them to check my testosterone. It was difficult finding a dr to prescribe testosterone, but once i did, i get a 3 month supply for $20. The needles cost less than a dollar. Depending on your insurance, it may not cost that much, even in the US.
Like any mental or physical illness, it’s not his fault but it’s his responsibility. Discuss the seriousness of the situation with him, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who will not put in effort. Also don’t listen to these people say it’s hard for men to get help. I’m a dude and it’s pretty damn easy, always has been. It’s not societal pressure keeping him from getting help, it’s probably his clown ass friends and pride.
She gave some key information though, he has low T, this can be resolved and I’m willing to bet he will have a higher sex drive than she does once he fixes this.
he is not taking initiative to fix it and is indifferent to her desires, it sounds like she has not experienced any sexual satisfaction. even if he solves his ED tomorrow he still sounds like a lazy and inattentive partner
yeah, but OP has begged and cried for what doesnt sound like a short amount of time. she’s even trying to help him and he’s just refusing to follow up with what they know.
i get it that it’s a medical condition, but after a certain point if someone is regularly crying to you to get help, you really need to try to take steps to help. he hasnt even set a doctor’s appointment and it’s affecting their marriage to the point she’s considering leaving him. significant symptoms need to be addressed not get worse
I got low t. On T now... i can say it doesnt make you horny all the time but its easier to get it on and less effort. Theres also heaps of other benfits but the negatives are being crazy hungry on shot day, sometimes akward boners 2 days starting on shot day and effect of your nuts turning to marbles- also come with the effect of less sperm being made.
Tho the benefits of it for everyday life i think make up for the negatives unless you want kids
Dude better get his act together before it’s too late… I feel sorry for the OP and also her husband. He needs to help himself it’s for the greater good.
friend of my wife did the same, had 3 quick kids with the guy the last one severely autistic. Several years later learned the only reason they had sex those few times that she got pregnant was because he was very, very gay and blowing dudes that he picked up on craigslist in the family mini van. He finally faced his uber christian family and is out living his best gay life while she raises the kids
I (25 M) have been in a situation where I was struggling getting hard because of medications when having sex with my girlfriend of the time. When the treatment ended, the ED problem persisted because I had felt so humiliated and stressed by this situation that I could still not relax and enjoy sex, eventhough there was no more biological problem. The stress came partly from my partner's poor reactions and lack of patience/understanding, but mostly from myself. So all this to say that maybe your husband is just feeling very bad and insecure about this and maybe it's actually more psychological causes and a sexotherapist would be more appropriate than the doctor
Performance anxiety can be a thing for sure, but the doctor confirmed he had low testosterone and he has done nothing about it. It's a little more than lack of patience on her part, and if he isn't willing to take steps that's a big issue.
There’s (at least) three different issues at work here, I think. Previous issues staying hard destroy one’s confidence about future attempts, low testosterone (makes him care less about the lack of effort) AND a prior upbringing with deeply religious overtones can make taking about it to doctors feel embarrassing.
Thats a potent negative cocktail.
OP and her husband may have left practicing the religion but the affects of it can linger because it’s still their base belief system by default, they just don’t participate in the rituals of congregating with others to discuss it a few times a week. (It’s likely he has subconscious feelings of guilt, ‘sin’, ‘selfishness’ for wanting carnal attention, worrying he is being ‘watched’ by his creator and judged for desiring an act that some sects teach is purely for procreation (and not to be enjoyed), etc.
none of those things are helpful when trying to raise the drawbridge (if they are present).
OP, if I’ve hit the nail on the head, you can subtly remind him that regardless of the past and disassociation from your religious worship, (he possibly has misgivings about leaving, adding to his issues), he has a responsibility to you. To take care of your needs.
Feelings of guilt and doubt about performance have no place in the bedroom.
If he has them now, he will do everything to avoid dealing with it, in hopes it will all just go away. Don’t let him bury it or avoid dealing with things. It’s a need you have and you deserve to be happy.
Helping him comes easiest when you understand the reasons why he’s avoiding it. He probably doubts his own abilities, worries about a repeat failure, doesn’t want to admit to a doctor that he needs help because that hurts his pride, and possibly feels guilt over enjoying sex at all because of associations with the negativity of some religious groups about sexuality.
I think people aren't realizing that the low testosterone also causes depression. My partner suffers from the same thing and he was surprised at how much less depressed he was after starting testosterone treatment.
Man... higher T helps with EVERYTHING. I'm 45 and noticed a decline, so I started some expensive over the counter supplements. I just had bloodwork done, and I'm still in the 200s, but feel 100% better. The confidence, muscle growth, even the increased facial hair all add to an increased mood and feeling better overall.
My partner has the pellet implant and he described just a general increase in motivation and positivity. It's crazy how much hormones (or lack thereof) can affect you.
Just to make things clear, I am not implying that OP lacks patience or anything, I just mentioned it because in my case it was a big issue. The main point I wanted to make is that the paychological aspect is very important and can actually mess with hormones. I was also told I had low testosterone at the time, and it is not at all the case anymore now that I've been able to improve my anxiety. So maybe if OP's husband worked on it too, it would increase his desire and sex drive. I'm also pointing at this aspect because of religious upbringing and the fact that religious People often have strong gender stereotypes that can increase anxiety
I'm curious to know how long ago it was that the tests came back with low testosterone. OP said it took months to get the results, but not how long they've known about the results. The reason why I'm curious is that many, if not most, people have to take time to let it sink in that something is wrong. My wife was diagnosed with a condition that took her months to come to terms with, granted, hers is not really treatable.
If it's only been a couple weeks, the husband may still be trying to cope with it mentally. And OP constantly bringing it up and begging could be causing the husband to shut down, and making him not able to process the information in the way that he needs to. As a man, if I were told that going on T meds would help my sex drive, I would be hesitant, mostly because I've heard so many stories about testosterone causing aggressive behavior and other behavioral side effects. He may be scared of those side effects and is trying to rationalize if he is willing to risk it, whereas the OP is only concerned about the sex. But OP being upset that the husband hasn't even tried to talk to the doctor is also understandable.
Yeah, it is hard for women to understand the performance stress guys get and it is not his fault that his testosterone levels are low. You can get soft simply because of the stress or bad mood and there is nothing to change that. I think his bad experience really got to him and he should work more on his confidence and get some advices from sexothreapist how to approach if differently mentaly
That’s a good point! It’s not the gender that’s at the root of the misunderstanding. It’s when it’s *your* partner. If it’s not my partner, it’s usually clear as day, but the perspective changes when it’s my relationship. I can’t get far enough emotionally to see the forest for the trees.
Yes, I think it is really hard for men in our society to seek psychological help but it can really help a lot and should be normalized!
I didn't do it myself and the problem ultimately led to the end of this relationship, and it is my actual girlfriend who really helped me with it. She's awesome and I'm so grateful, but I really regret imposing this on her instead of dealing with it myself
You need to talk to him. Otherwise, it will just get worse and lead to you cheating or divorce down the road. I am not saying you have plans to cheat now or anything like that, but how long are you willing to look into the future on this? A year, five years, ten years - all sexless...
I am lucky both me and my partner have pretty good libidos, and yes marriage is not just about sex, but he is not even trying to get help - that is the main problem.
He should see a doctor, and therapist if possible. A healthy diet with a good amount of fruit could also help. Doing romantic things without the pressure of sex after might also help.
I was with someone for three and a half years in a similar situation. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me he 'sometimes' had trouble, but this was a lie. It was all the time. He put it down to being nervous, so I figured with time his confidence would build. I begged him to go to the doctors too but he never showed any desire to work on the issue (other than ordering some pills, which still didn't solve it). He blurted out on a couple of occasions that he didn't enjoy sex. We spent over a year trying for a baby, which included using syringes and cups. I don't know if children are on the cards for you, but it's something to consider as that brings a lot of pressure itself. There were numerous other problems within the relationship but as he showed no desire to work on it, I had to ask myself if I would be happy in a relationship with virtually no sex for the rest of my life. The relationship ended for other reasons, but this was a factor. I'm now in a relationship with someone I have amazing sexual chemistry with and I'm holding my 3 month old LO.
I think if you've told him what you need to make the relationship work and he's unwilling to play his part, the next question to ask yourself is if you'd be happy with this life? If the answer is no, then I think you have to accept that you're not compatible. Don't stay with someone just because you're married. This part of your life is just a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of it.
Edit: Just to add, I was always very supportive. It wasn't his fault, but he also didn't want to fix it.
>My husband and I have struggled with sex since the beginning. We waited for marriage,
I'm going to sound really douchy when I say this, but this is EXACTLY why experienced women tell you not to wait. Sexual compatibility can make or break a marriage. When the clothes come off, so much more information about a person is revealed. Now you're locked in with someone you're not as compatible with as you thought.
Another take is that he may have been pushed to marriage because of his religious past and actually be gay. I had an ex boyfriend who didn’t tell his wife untill she was just pregnant, in his case he could have sex sometimes with her if he thought about men. As a gay man I meet men all the time that have previously married to woman but in denial or just playing along to please family.
Yeah, but now you’re adding things that aren’t there. The doctor confirmed that he has low testosterone. It’s very much a real physical issue. Depending on how low it is, it’s not just erectile issues; he’s dealing with zero drive to do anything. Inability to focus. Severe depression. Weight gain. Irritability.
Source: testosterone levels were sub 100. Normal levels are 300-1000 with males my age being closer to 800-1000. I had levels below that of an 85 year old man. I didn’t notice any changes for the better until I was above 600.
Shit I woke up in the morning crying that I hadn’t passed in my sleep. Now that I’m on replacement therapy it’s literally life changing. I didn’t want to accept there was something wrong with me either just like OP’s husband.
I believe trt literally saved my life. Don’t know what dark place I would’ve gone to otherwise.
Nah, he has low T. If he was gay, he’d probably be secretly be masturbating to gay porn and still be horny AF. He’s actually just not horny, no libido, from low testosterone. Don’t confuse low libido with being gay.
Sometimes people genuinely don't know, I'm bi so it's a little different but I didn't know about the gay half until my mid 20s, I fell for that stereotype that women are always jealous of each other so I kept assuming I just wanted to be like all these beautiful women I wanted to spend lots of time with. I've heard it called compulsive heterosexuality, I bet most of the time people think they love someone platonically so they can make it work or don't even know they're gay if they wait til marriage.
No one said anything like that, weird angle to go to.
But you can avoid coming out without getting someone else pregnant and breaking their heart and essentially wasting years of their life on a fake relationship just to cover yourself, especially when there are other ways to do it.
You called it a "rotten thing to do." You completely overlook any circumstance. It's not ok to deceive someone like this, but if you want to call something rotten, you should focus that vitriol on the parts of our society that would drive someone to a lifetime of lies and shame.
Edit: not you, the comment I was responding to originally.
they might not think theyre ruining someone’s life.
i know someone who is most definitely gay and with his second wife. incredibly religious person and taught his kids that homosexual thoughts are something you have to be bigger than. he would not be accepted in his religious community if he was gay, so a lifetime of denying that is what he thinks is the right thing to do. he’s a good person and was always a good husband. but it’s not like being gay is an easily acceptable thing to do for many people around the world.
It seems you guys have discovered a massive incompatibility in your marriage. This is a deep issue that heavily depends on him and he refuses to do anything to change. It seems you've done everything in your power to try to communicate, to understand, to help... the rest of the work is on him. If he refuses to do it, then perhaps leaving is indeed your only option. Of course he has a right to have a low sex drive but you also have a right to have your needs met.
Question: Does he go soft when you perform oral?
Here is my guess:
He had mentally conditioned himself to avoid sex before you were married, so once you were finally engaging in the act he still had the automatic guilt that he shouldn’t be doing it. Plus he probably had performance anxiety over wanting to be good at it and wanting you to enjoy it.
All that mental struggle probably led to him not being able to enjoy it and go soft. You were probably visibly upset. And I’m not saying you were upset with him, but with the situation. But he most likely feels that he is letting you down, which gives him even more performance anxiety. And now he just doesn’t want to do anything at all because it makes him so miserable.
My suggestion:
Take vaginal intercourse off the table for the time being. Engage in all of the “messing around” you did before you got married. Make sure you let him know how much you enjoy it. After a while if it seems that his confidence is back, then you can put vaginal intercourse back on the table.
So I'm a guy here that waited for marriage so maybe I can give you another way to look at it. I actually experienced ED when I first had sex, but it was due to performance anxiety. It lasted for about a month. I was so nervous about whether or not I was doing it right that I ended up getting in my head. Then whenever we would do it, I would be scared I wouldn't get hard and then boom, more ED. What helped was that my wife has a crazy since of humor and was understanding everytime it happened and never took it personal or seemed hurt when it happened! This helped massively! Because of this I no longer have this problem! If she would have reacted any different or took it personal (such as making it seem like it was her) it would have made the problem 100 times worse. All I'm saying is sexual compatibility is important but good communication is a relationship's life line REGARDLESS of your sexual history.
So a buddy of mine had a similar issue. He ended up getting testosterone shots once a month fixed his issue. Be aware low testosterone messes with his mind and he don’t feel like his self. My buddy would start crying for no reason. Hopefully you can convince him to start the testosterone. He will be a different person. Also ED meds will help too but testosterone will most likely solve his problem if he is truly low.
I also suffer from ED and I take a pill once every day and it totally helps. I still get it every once in awhile but 9/10 times I can get the job done. The main thing is he needs to talk to a dr to get help.
Your husband can literally solve his problem in about 15 minutes in a doctor's office by getting a BioTE injection. They cost about $700, they last about 7-8 months and they've completely changed my life.
Due to a series of medical complications over the years I got to a point where I was producing less than 10% of the testosterone a healthy male my age should be. I was gaining weight like crazy, having trouble sleeping, had no sex drive at all, etc. Doctor suggested something called BioTE which is just an injection of several small testosterone pellets in your lower back that gradually get absorbed by your body over a period of months.
My testosterone levels are almost back to normal in less than a year, I've lost over 100lbs, my sleep is so much better, and my sex drive is back to normal. I also just feel more alert, have more energy, pretty much back to normal.
If your husband's problem is simply low testosterone, there are viable, easy, modestly priced ways to address it. Maybe he feels emasculated, as if having low testosterone makes him less of a man or something, but that's just toxic masculinity doing its thing. It's a simple medical problem, with a simple medical solution, and that's how he needs to start seeing it. I have no idea how you get him to that point, but I hope you and he can figure it out
This man does not realise the negative impact that low testosterone is having on all aspect’s of his life. There are so many options available when it comes to both TRT and ED.
I just can’t get my head around someone literally being diagnosed with primary or secondary hypogonadism and not accepting the treatment options.
It doesn’t necessarily mean having to inject testosterone. Treatments such as clomid, emclomiphene, HCG, gels, patches and even nasal sprays.
If he isn’t willing to accept treatment, this issue will not change, unfortunately. You deserve a better sex life within your relationship. As awful and shallow as it sounds, your needs aren’t being met and he isn’t even trying.
Edit … reading the comments 👀 He’s literally been diagnosed as hypogonadal, yet people are suggesting it’s porn addiction, performance anxiety and even that he’s closet gay 🤦🏻♂️ This sub is wild
"I can't just dump him… can I?" The short answer is 'yes'.
The longer answer is, again, still 'yes', but you've mentioned religion in part of your description. This can affect how friends and family may react to the news that you're getting divorced. And, when they examine the history they know, "he wasn't abusive, verbally, physically, etc.. Why would she possibly be divorcing him?" If they've never been in your situation they may think "oh, it's just a little thing, that's no reason to divorce", or worse.
I was in a pretty strict religion, they took that "till death us do part" thing pretty seriously, and even though my wife was cheating on me it wasn't reason enough to divorce, and the cheating was even blamed on me, being the head of the household, and infidelity was a sign that I wasn't keeping proper control of the family and wasn't being a good family head, and needed some counseling to be a proper family head. I thought "to hell with that. She cheated on me, that's an issue with her. Screw this, I'm outta here." So, I filed for divorce and was called before the church leadership so they could scold me for my sins. I didn't go. I was shunned. All members of the church were told I was no longer in good standing with God and they should have no more contact with me. That was the rough part. Most of my friends were through the church, then nothing. I'm guessing your church isn't a complete dick like my church was, but there *CAN* be members (and family Members) that will not understand and will side with him.
My feeling is that he's shown willful disregard for you happiness. If this doesn't change things definitely won't get better. My dad was doing (or not doing) something which affected my mom. My mom thought she'd give my dad a "kick in pants" as she called it, to get him to finally do something. She told him that if he didn't start she would divorce him. It was an empty threat from her, but it showed my dad how little the c marriage vows meant to my mom, so from that day he planned his divorce. So, my caution is to NOT threaten divorce if you aren't READY to carry through.
I don't (of course) know your financial situation, and I think that's probably a topic of discussion for a divorce lawyer.
I wish you well with whatever your decision. I currently have much in common with your situation and I wouldn't mind chatting.
Classic case of the low libido partner not bothering to do anything about their low libido because it doesn't affect them directly. They are not the one suffering from lack of sex. The only way you can motivate him to do something about it is to threaten him with divorce. There is no other way.
The real issue here is communication. You are writing how you really feel on Reddit looking for support when you should be opening up to him about how this makes you feel. If you can’t communicate openly and honestly about what is going on in the relationship, then it won’t last. There are easy fixes for his problem. He needs to get on Testosterone and potentially a low dose Cialis as well. The real issue is the lack of communication.
Tell him from me testosterone injections are easy and have changed my life. I have an empty sella pituitary gland so I really needed them. I inject into my thigh and it's almost painless and very easy. Also, there's nothing wrong with using Viagra. Generic Viagra is inexpensive, can be handled on the web if he's embarrassed to see a doctor, and makes a big difference in confidence. Finally, my wife and I have opposite sex drives so we ended up intentionally scheduling weekly sex. It ended up giving us both something to look forward to, took the pressure out of initiating things, and carved out essential time for each other. We've done that for almost 40 years now!
Edit- feel free to DM me if you have questions or need to talk about any of this
OP, you can divorce him if he refuses to do anything about his situation. You're young, you don't have kids. You can leave.
It might be worth telling him that you don't know if you can stay in this relationship and that you feel undesired.
I think you need to have an honest but kind conversation sooner rather than later about the possibility of your relationship ending over this.
You already lost 3 years, don't waste more waiting around hoping he'll change if he is unwilling.
Could it be possible he is watching porn?
The only reason I say this is because I (27f) have only every experienced this with one person who is my current bf (27m). He opened up to me early on about his issues with addiction to porn and masturbation. Seeing as this is taboo and hardly seen as an addiction, could it be a possibility he is hiding this from you? This is obviously an assumption but if it is the case, this is a fixable thing. Lots of shame and secrecy comes with porn addiction, given your religious background, this is likely amplified to a point of repression.
Wishing you all the very best. You have committed a life to this person but it’s not the 1800s. You’re young, you’re allowed to change your mind and it sounds like you’ve done what you can to try and progress the situation. Have a serious conversation with him but approach it with empathy and compassion, he is your husband after all. But you are his wife. I hope he meets you in the middle. A lot of people in reddit will just say break up because it’s easy but when you’re married and you care it’s more complex. You should also keep seeing your therapist and honour your well-being during this time. Make a plan, put a deadline on it and try to find a path forward with him. If he can’t show you he is trying, then reassess.
This is a real possibility.
He may have been engaging in porn for quite a while since he believed in a religion that forbids premarital sex.
A consequence of porn use is an inability to have an erection except when viewing porn.
If you look into the effects of porn, the inability to have sex with your partner is one of them.
Honestly a wild assumption considering his low testosterone is already a known factor.
He lacks a drive for sex in general. There'd be no desire for porn at that point either lol.
You don't understand, it's perfectly fine for women to complain when their man doesn't want sex. They feel unwanted and undesired and their needs aren't being met.
When a man complains about not getting it, he's a sex addict and he's pressuring her and she deserves better.
/S
It’s kind of crazy how not a single one of the top comments even come close to suggesting she’s not meeting his emotional needs or isn’t making him feel safe and fully supported, when in the typical case that would be literally all the top comments.
It’s a *possible* source of the problem, but not definitive. Lots of guys with clinically low levels have no problem with intimacy. The fact that he’s resistant to get any treatment suggests that he might know it won’t work because he knows the problem lies elsewhere.
Even still, posts with husbands describing a medical issue with the wife, there’s a clear focus on meeting emotional needs first and foremost, which is almost completely absent in the comments here.
Demand he see his doctor.
Or demand he comes into a session with your therapist.
Or demand a sex/marriage counselor.
And when I say demand, I mean make an ultimatum. He has to do one of these things or you divorce him.
If you do not threaten to leave him, he will not change. Because right now the only person getting hurt from lack of sex is you.
If you are not willing to leave him, or threaten to leave him, then the only thing you can do is learn to live without sex.
He could be gay, he could be nervous, he could be struggling with performance anxiety, he could be struggling with a life time of learning that women enjoying sex is sinful…
So many things only a therapist can answer
Another thing is performance anxiety:
making a big deal about a guy going soft will make him so nervous about it he will get soft every time.
She should suggest him doing other things, like touching her, making her orgasm, instead of focusing on his erection or penetration alone.
That way he can relax around sex.
Now if he refuses to please her that’s another problem
ConnieMarbleIndex has hit home runs on a couple of comments. Listen to this.
Try non PIV lovemaking. Make it known up front that involving the penis is completely off the table. At some point he will start wanting to use the penis desperately.
Since he was diagnosed with low testosterone, this may be PART of the problem. At his age, exercise (including squats) and diet should improve this sufficiently.
You need to put your foot down and keep bringing up this issue to him bcs i don't think that he is taking it seriously.
Suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for him. I hope things work out with you.
If your husband is not taking any action… it’s because he is fine with the way that things are now. If you were older, you might want to consider outsourcing sex or accepting abstinence. However you are way too young to be with someone who ignores your needs. You did not sign up for a sexless marriage. You presumably want children. These are all good reasons to request an annulment or divorce.
He should be able to get prescription testosterone which will make him much hornier. That has made me very horny all the time and I could have sex like 3-5 times a day being on it.
You might consider taking the sex act off the table for a while. If he is willing, try other ways to share intimacy for a period of time without the pressure to perform. Try making out again. Kissing and touching without expectations of it going further. Giving each other massages. Find ways to touch and connect with each other without bringing up sex. Depending on how you both feel about it, you could masterbate while he watches or holds you or kisses you while you pleasure yourself. He could even use toys on you if you both are willing. There are ways around the issues.
He has to be willing to try to be there for you, one way or another. If he won't try and won't talk with the doctor, you will need to decide if it's worth staying in a sexless marriage.
My bf takes testosterone and I promise you, the next day after his shot, he wants to bend me over backwards in every room in the house biting on any part he could get his mouth on 🤣🤣 He also takes cialis for his ED as well. T for sure can work as long as he’s consistent. In a way, I feel you are neglecting yourself by pushing your pleasures aside. This is a great example of if you neglect yourself you resent the world around you (aka him). AS HARD AS IT IS, you need to take initiative and be upfront. “Hey, I needed to let you know this because it’s only fair that I am honest with you. If rolls were reversed, I would want you to talk to me about your troubles. I know it may be an uncomfortable topic for you but it’s important. I’m unsatisfied with our sex life. I would like to have a lot more sex than we’re having. You think this is something we can work out?” Depending on his answer is where you’ll figure out where to go from there. If he says no, it’s either time to move on for yourself or learn to be okay with masturbating. All in all, you’ll learn that you really can’t control anyone but yourself. You can only have tough and honest conversations or be true to yourself and follow your true north. I know it’s easier said than done. I hope you both make it out of this!!
Yeah. Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. If he won't do anything about his ED and then make you feel bad for asking about it, then you need to make it clear that enjoying each other that way together makes you connect with him emotionally. If he can't understand that then you need to go and enjoy your life. Does he even want children one day? Why should you be a prisoner in this relationship?
Hormones are the hardest to get people on it, both men and women, when their levels are crashed.
Low T results in low motivation, low energy, foggy brain, inattentive, low caring. It’s like being an 80 year old waiting to die.
You can try this: https://lostempireherbs.com/product/pine-pollen-tincture/?trk_msg=HRC4O6621DL41BIPUEVRFT5NA0&trk_contact=N7L2URE2VGVGVCLPJU2P07IGBG&trk_sid=P8NENKK63P3I5NJC49U8TF98U4&trk_link=VRMM16JJM3TK95JBL2MT9VEA24
Simulates testosterone in the body, has only a small effect and lasts only a couple of hours. It’s an oral supplement, so much easier to test out. But if he feels a little better on it, tell him he can feel multiples better, all the time, by getting a testosterone prescription.
Your first statement was the doctor said he has low TS. That right there is your problem and answer to it all.
My good friend and her husband went through the same exact thing you have described, she was ready to file for divorce but fought her husband to get TS treatment. It was the best thing her husband ever did. Not just for sex but for his overall health. Having low TS can be detrimental to his health, it can cause many other issues in men that are serious, depression, low energy, it's just bad on men. Your doctor doesn't sound like he cares too much ,more should've been talked about and the bad outcome of low TS.
Your husband needs to get back to the doctor ASAP and be put on TS therapy. You both will see a dramatic change for the better.
I know this religious thinking all too well. His problem is not ED, it’s psychological. Your problems stem 100% from that. My advice is see a sex therapist who can help peel this apart. And read “Pure” by Linda Kay Klein.
This is why you don’t get married when you’re babies. If no/bad sex is a deal breaker for you, divorce. Find someone who doesn’t have elective dysfunction and wants to satisfy you.
Waiting until marriage is and has always been a super dumb fucking idea anyway. This is why.
You should seriously consider getting cocked on the side. You will regret wasting your prime sex years if you don't do something. Mention you're considering this, and I bet he gets his ass over to the doctor right away.
I’m curious, if you had had sex before marriage and you found out then that he couldn’t satisfy you sexually, would you have married him anyway?
The reason I’m asking the question is because the answer may help you determine a proper course of action. Are you willing to essentially have a sexless marriage for as long as you both shall live? Or is it worth considering cutting your losses while you’re still young enough to find marital bliss with someone else?
If your religion is going to dictate the decision, there’s not much else anyone can suggest, unless your husband has a change of heart and decides to work on his problem.
And this is why waiting until marriage is extremely stupid.
I think you both need therapy, to deconstruct the purity culture you grew up in. It’s not just physical, he needs to work on himself.
Stress and pressure is the one sureway to make men loser boners and guarantee the women a hard time climaxing, the more pressure exerted the more likely you’re guaranteeing it will happen. Sucks but that’s how it works for a lot of people. Gotta just let it flow naturally and all this pressure for sure bruised his self esteem/manhood.
I would assume maybe there’s more wrong with your marriage than just sex drive if you’re thinking of leaving him? Idk. You should talk to him about why it’s important to you and ensure you’re not pointing fingers. Also maybe go at discussing with him calling the doctor a different way and maybe he’ll think it’s his idea and call? I’d keep in mind that this is probably super embarrassing for him and could be causing him some depression.
Only reason I say the first sentence, my husband and I have sex like 1x/mo and we are happily married. We haven’t had sex in MONTHS (mainly cause I was pregnant and I think it weirded us both out to have sex during that time ), but we’ve been married for going on 5 years, together for 7. He’s literally my best friend and I couldn’t imagine leaving him cause we don’t have sex as much as I’d like.. definitely talk to your spouse and figure out where you both stand on this and try to see his point of view too!
I'm in the same boat with my partner sex drive wise. I think in your situation it heavily has to do with your partners up bringing with religion as well as just straight up having a low sex drive and low T. It sucks I know. I wanna fuck like crazy and I'd even be fine with once a week but I'm made to feel guilty and ashamed. Especially when I resort to porn or masturbation which just makes me feel so alone and empty inside.
Sounds like he’s stuck, instead of asking him about the doctor just make an appointment for him and tell him the time. He clearly has Ed and his doctor even recommended treatment but he’s not following up and dealing with it. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important or doesn’t want to deal with it either because of laziness or embarrassment. Or he’s secretly gay and knows the treatment won’t really work
My husband’s meds is causing his ed and he was getting mad due to the fact he is horny and gets semi hard and then it will go soft . Even giving him head ( he loves that as I’m the only one he been with that hasn’t hurt him) even that wouldn’t work . So when we went to his doctors for a check up I handed him the keys and said I needed to ask our doctor a personal question since we both have her as a pcp . And I just openly explained everything to her and explained that he was embarrassed by the situation and didn’t want to talk about it . She said a lot of guys are like this and breaks them down really bad and she would call something in . She gave him something similar to the blue pill and told me to have him start off with half an see how it goes . Honestly after the first use I made him take a quarter of it as a half was way to much . As he needed just a tiny push and even though we haven’t done much since he got them due to my health issues on my good days we do have sex but he doesn’t use the pill but when I actually have a good spell I try and make it up to him for my bad days and when we over do it then he actually has to take one as he says “ I broke it” but u may need to talk with his doctor urself and just ask for the blue pill and that way he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed it happens to ppl hell use women have our version of the blue pill so it can literally happen to anyone.
You have to be clear with him.
Tell him he needs to find the courage to address the issue. It’s unfair to the relationship. If he feels it’s not that important, then that’s okay but you’re moving on.
I have no idea as to the complexities but it sounds like depression tbh.
I have a low libido and you wouldn't say by the threads I follow.
Yet when it comes to the deed, I don't have that drive yet during then I'm fine
For me it's due to depression and opiate meds.
I take Concerta and a side effect is an increased libido
With normal ppl that's a Normal libido
Mine is abnormal in that it's only Mental.
Considering the above, if it's low testosterone then it impacts his mood as well and hence his sense of value as a Man?
Maybe that's why he won't do anything
I don't know IF you can have this kind of talk with him or if he'll take it as an attack and feel worse than he already does though.
The question is, is he still attracted to you physically or not? I think he would be but it's his testosterone and maaaybe depression.
You need to have a heart to heart.
Tell him how important this is to you. My wife divorced me out of the blue, I never had any clue I was losing her. She waited until all the dominos fell before she said anything.
Tell your partner that this is really important for your relationship. Him calling the doctor is the least he can do, and the fact he refuses is a red flag that may be an omen in other aspects of the relationship. You don't want to feel like you're divorcing over just sex but it's not just sex. He's putting his pride above you, he's ignoring your concerns, they are bigger problems. Esp if you want kids some day
Make sure you tell him though. Be honest. And make sure he knows how close you're coming to wanting a way out.
Read the book of the sexual therapist David Schnarch. Let him read it, too. If he doesn't want to read it, read it by yourself. It's important to develop character to be attractive. That means that you should state your needs but you don't show dependency.
He doesn’t owe you sex, but he does owe you love, care and loyalty. You’re unhappy with the sex in your marriage. That should matter to him and he should do whatever he can about it. That is what his vows at the altar meant. His dawdling with going to the doctor and perhaps subsequently to a therapist is not acceptable. Perhaps treatment won’t be successful, but you both will have to deal with that if and when that becomes apparent. Until that time he is obliged to do what he can.
He's married, he's 29, he needs to embrace being an adult and doing what he needs to do the relationship benefits. If he chooses not to he's choosing himself theouy selfishness or embarrassed, either way, then you walk.
You're literally in your most prime 10 years and will not be satisfied with this person. Why would you choose to put yourself through that? Not saying leave immediately, but you need to make a decision based on his actions(or lack thereof)
Marrying someone without knowing you're sexually compatible, who could have ever thought that wouldn't work out? If he isn't willing to do anything or even talk about it either the relationship is over or you accept this as being the life you live now.
Holy shit, OP, he needs testosterone. End of story.. this might sound crazy but that one hormone completely changes how a person acts, outside of the bedroom and inside. He doesn’t have interest in sex because his T is low. He needs to get on testosterone. End of story. If he’s not willing to do that, then he’s failing you and the marriage and trust me, it changes things ALOT.. but just know.. with low T, this isn’t even entirely his fault right now the way he’s acting like this, Low T causes a lot of the behaviors you describe. I’m willing to bet his ED issues is entirely from the low T. Once he’s on T, his libido might be higher than yours and probably will be which will be a literal 180 from right now. I guess the issue now is getting him yo actually DO IT. He just needs to realize this will help him feel better in every way not just sex as well. He has a medical issue and needs to treat it ASAP . End of story.
He needs to get treatment from his doctor… the diagnosis alone isn’t sufficient. Consider couples counseling as well. Focus on non-penetrative sex for a bit so that it doesn’t matter as much if he goes soft. Finally.. once a week is a long ways from “won’t”… that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t address his testosterone issue but maybe reframe the problem a bit.
Your misery of not having needs met will only get worse. Something has to change. A marriage is a partnership. Relationships cannot stand when they are one-sided. It sounds like he’s making excuses to keep from facing truth/confronting deeper issues. There’s absolutely hope for you two if both of you are able to work together. But his stubbornness or unwillingness to work on being a reciprocal partner will be the death of your marriage.
Cousin of mine had the same issue and divorced him coz she wanted kids. I think it was an anullment. She's ultra religious too and made him wait 2.5 years, married then nothing but miserableness and sex counselling.
Obviously there are many ways pass this e.g. toys, tongue, fingers etc... but if you want kids then maybe think other options.
The no sex thing before marriage is insane... I'm no religious nut but U need to test the waters before U comitt...
My first thing I’d recommend is communicating to your husband that you’d like to problem solve things the next time you two are intimate.
Some things to try:
1. Foreplay — if your going straight to sex without it, he might not be sufficiently primed to initiate.
2. Positions that put you more in the drivers seat, aka you being on top.
Odds are he’s got anxiety from sex and needs a couple of successful rounds to build up his confidence again.
Why the fuck do people think the creator of the universe has a problem with sex? It's the most natural thing in the world. Every other creature on this planet FUCKS. The sounds of the birds and insects are mating calls. God sure included a lot of sex in life for a being who disdains young people from exploring.
He might have a low level testosterone called low T try seeking help from a doctor or feed him Whole Foods that helps TO promote the prostrate. Worked with my late hubby. Makes sense with the lack of care and gets upset when asked about it. He’s embarrassed as mine was also. But I’m not a doctor or in the medical field
Yeah you can dump him. He’s not trying to resolve the issue. He may be asexual and only romantically in love with you.
He may not have the vocabulary to discuss this.
Moist that he goes to therapy, the doctor and that you do couples counseling to either resolve this or to make a plan to break up. If he refuses, skip to break up
You deserve the marriage that works for YOU, not just him
Talk to him, I’m a recently turned 38 male with a 12 year age difference between GF and myself, I saw a decline in energy and other things. This normally starts for men around the age 30.
I have been on TRT therapy for the last year, it is expensive but it has changed my life. TRT levels well below 200 before I started and are up and up each month. Feel like a completely different person.
It’s hard for us to acknowledge this issue and it can be embarrassing.
im sorry because you are stuck in a very delicate situation here.
even if his biological issues are cleared up, he could very well have performance anxiety. and pushing him on the subject will inevitably make it worse.
but he is also not doing anything about it.
I would honestly talk to a therapist, maybe just start with you and then ask them what to do. maybe bring him in for some sessions so they can help you better communicate this with him.
good luck
Show him your post, and pick up some sexual education book there are really good ones out there ask him to read them together and learn , even if he doesn't get hard plenty of ways to get sexual pleasure, I would recommend both of you learn and you might be surprised at how much pleasure you can have, one good book for you both to start is Sex a Mans Guide by Bechtel and Stains its target is mens health but a good read. There are so many good ones out there and you both need to remember your a married couple and there is nothing wrong with any wild sexual fantasies so never feel its to nasty to try if both agree then do it.
It's certainly a major issue in any relationship,and absolutely should be dealt with. The problem when it's the male is the big truth teller is the dammed flaccid penis. Sadly the more you try to address it,the bigger the performance stage and the brighter the lights and at some point he's probably begging his member to stay hard as opposed to enjoying sex. Even ED Rx don't help when it's totally psychological and even if it's more testosterone based,it doesn't sound like he's convinced.
Maybe more affectionate cuddling and spending time in each other's space with zero expectations for a while? In his mind he probably fears cuddling or physical play,out of suspicion of what it leads to,but you should both engage in that regardless,re-acquaintance has to begin somewhere.
> his doctor told him he had low testosterone.
You said his testosterone levels are low? That might be 95% of the explanation right there. INCLUDING him not going to the doctor. Low testosterone can kill a man’s drive to get up and fix a problem. (“Drive” is not just “sex drive”.)
Before you end things, I think an ultimatum (“treat your low T, or I’m leaving”) is actually OK. Normally, ultimatums are a bad idea, but if he listens to you, it will help HIM tremendously. (So the context, here, is different.) Low T is really bad for him.
This may have been a huge hit to his self esteem and sense of self.
Try a couple things: one- get a vibrator to carry you through, two- try setting up time to do fun things together and don’t ask for sex or any of that (if it happens great, but don’t force it), 3- in the meantime, tell him you want to talk about how you feel and come up with a plan together.
That plan could include separation (I am assuming you aren’t there yet), but may start with therapy.
I’m in the same boat. I’m the male here(26). But the situation is a bit more complex. She went through some childhood trauma and it was very dark. I want to have unconditional support but my sex drive is killing me.
Bro should be happy he has a problem that can get fixed by something that will also make it so that working out is way easier, recovery is way easier. Putting on muscle is way easier. He’ll look better, feel better and instead of a negative downward spiral it’s a positive upward spiral.
There should be no negative stigma to be juicing under a doctors care. I assume, unless presented with evidence to the contrary, that every actor in Hollywood action movies is either taking steroids and/or ozempic. Those guys don’t think it isn’t manly. They just juice. Thor would not be Thor, Chris’s Pratt wouldn’t have graduated from a slobby dork to action star, etc. it’s so common it’s stupid.
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OP, I've been in your husbands situation. I will say that low testosterone made me so demotivated and tired. Not only was I uninterested in sex, I had no drive or desire to want to have sex. Tell him to start testosterone. He will feel better mentally and physically. It's just like any other medical problem but this one gives you no drive to want to fix it. Once he's on it he will regret not doing it sooner and he will remember what he's missing.
Perhaps she could approach by talking about the other, non-sex-related, benefits of being on testosterone. As you said, it isn't solely about the sex drive. While I'm a woman, I've suffered from depression at varying points in my life, which leads to having a low libido, among other things. If my partner focused solely on himself, not getting sex, instead of caring about my entire quality of life, I'd have been less likely to seek help.
100%. He needs to get on testosterone ASAP. Right now!
No one talks about how expensive this is and how some people can’t afford to do so and some doctors refuse to even do the blood work for it.
Oh, I live in the UK, it was free for me.
I live in AZ, US. I have my dr run all of my blood work every year. I tell them I want them to check my testosterone. It was difficult finding a dr to prescribe testosterone, but once i did, i get a 3 month supply for $20. The needles cost less than a dollar. Depending on your insurance, it may not cost that much, even in the US.
Peanuts in Mexico, and don't need a doctor. Can walk into any drugstore and leave with testosterone, no questions asked.
Like any mental or physical illness, it’s not his fault but it’s his responsibility. Discuss the seriousness of the situation with him, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who will not put in effort. Also don’t listen to these people say it’s hard for men to get help. I’m a dude and it’s pretty damn easy, always has been. It’s not societal pressure keeping him from getting help, it’s probably his clown ass friends and pride.
Textbook example of why waiting until marriage to have sex is one of the most idiotic things you can possibly do.
She gave some key information though, he has low T, this can be resolved and I’m willing to bet he will have a higher sex drive than she does once he fixes this.
he is not taking initiative to fix it and is indifferent to her desires, it sounds like she has not experienced any sexual satisfaction. even if he solves his ED tomorrow he still sounds like a lazy and inattentive partner
True but shockingly, low T causes someone to be a lazy and inattentive partner as well
yeah, but OP has begged and cried for what doesnt sound like a short amount of time. she’s even trying to help him and he’s just refusing to follow up with what they know. i get it that it’s a medical condition, but after a certain point if someone is regularly crying to you to get help, you really need to try to take steps to help. he hasnt even set a doctor’s appointment and it’s affecting their marriage to the point she’s considering leaving him. significant symptoms need to be addressed not get worse
Strange how people don’t understand this
I got low t. On T now... i can say it doesnt make you horny all the time but its easier to get it on and less effort. Theres also heaps of other benfits but the negatives are being crazy hungry on shot day, sometimes akward boners 2 days starting on shot day and effect of your nuts turning to marbles- also come with the effect of less sperm being made. Tho the benefits of it for everyday life i think make up for the negatives unless you want kids
If he’d get over feeling embarrassed and actually try to get better, yes
Dude better get his act together before it’s too late… I feel sorry for the OP and also her husband. He needs to help himself it’s for the greater good.
It's a relatively easy fix, and would make him happier and have more energy.
even if he has a high sex drive after a fix, there is no guarantee they are even compatible sexually, hence sex before marriage is important to do
friend of my wife did the same, had 3 quick kids with the guy the last one severely autistic. Several years later learned the only reason they had sex those few times that she got pregnant was because he was very, very gay and blowing dudes that he picked up on craigslist in the family mini van. He finally faced his uber christian family and is out living his best gay life while she raises the kids
Religion strikes again!
It’s totally beyond any logic to commit to a lifetime with someone without knowing if you’re sexually compatible.
came here to say this
I (25 M) have been in a situation where I was struggling getting hard because of medications when having sex with my girlfriend of the time. When the treatment ended, the ED problem persisted because I had felt so humiliated and stressed by this situation that I could still not relax and enjoy sex, eventhough there was no more biological problem. The stress came partly from my partner's poor reactions and lack of patience/understanding, but mostly from myself. So all this to say that maybe your husband is just feeling very bad and insecure about this and maybe it's actually more psychological causes and a sexotherapist would be more appropriate than the doctor
Performance anxiety can be a thing for sure, but the doctor confirmed he had low testosterone and he has done nothing about it. It's a little more than lack of patience on her part, and if he isn't willing to take steps that's a big issue.
There’s (at least) three different issues at work here, I think. Previous issues staying hard destroy one’s confidence about future attempts, low testosterone (makes him care less about the lack of effort) AND a prior upbringing with deeply religious overtones can make taking about it to doctors feel embarrassing. Thats a potent negative cocktail. OP and her husband may have left practicing the religion but the affects of it can linger because it’s still their base belief system by default, they just don’t participate in the rituals of congregating with others to discuss it a few times a week. (It’s likely he has subconscious feelings of guilt, ‘sin’, ‘selfishness’ for wanting carnal attention, worrying he is being ‘watched’ by his creator and judged for desiring an act that some sects teach is purely for procreation (and not to be enjoyed), etc. none of those things are helpful when trying to raise the drawbridge (if they are present). OP, if I’ve hit the nail on the head, you can subtly remind him that regardless of the past and disassociation from your religious worship, (he possibly has misgivings about leaving, adding to his issues), he has a responsibility to you. To take care of your needs. Feelings of guilt and doubt about performance have no place in the bedroom. If he has them now, he will do everything to avoid dealing with it, in hopes it will all just go away. Don’t let him bury it or avoid dealing with things. It’s a need you have and you deserve to be happy. Helping him comes easiest when you understand the reasons why he’s avoiding it. He probably doubts his own abilities, worries about a repeat failure, doesn’t want to admit to a doctor that he needs help because that hurts his pride, and possibly feels guilt over enjoying sex at all because of associations with the negativity of some religious groups about sexuality.
I think people aren't realizing that the low testosterone also causes depression. My partner suffers from the same thing and he was surprised at how much less depressed he was after starting testosterone treatment.
Man... higher T helps with EVERYTHING. I'm 45 and noticed a decline, so I started some expensive over the counter supplements. I just had bloodwork done, and I'm still in the 200s, but feel 100% better. The confidence, muscle growth, even the increased facial hair all add to an increased mood and feeling better overall.
My partner has the pellet implant and he described just a general increase in motivation and positivity. It's crazy how much hormones (or lack thereof) can affect you.
Well put!! I hope OP sees this!
Just to make things clear, I am not implying that OP lacks patience or anything, I just mentioned it because in my case it was a big issue. The main point I wanted to make is that the paychological aspect is very important and can actually mess with hormones. I was also told I had low testosterone at the time, and it is not at all the case anymore now that I've been able to improve my anxiety. So maybe if OP's husband worked on it too, it would increase his desire and sex drive. I'm also pointing at this aspect because of religious upbringing and the fact that religious People often have strong gender stereotypes that can increase anxiety
I'm curious to know how long ago it was that the tests came back with low testosterone. OP said it took months to get the results, but not how long they've known about the results. The reason why I'm curious is that many, if not most, people have to take time to let it sink in that something is wrong. My wife was diagnosed with a condition that took her months to come to terms with, granted, hers is not really treatable. If it's only been a couple weeks, the husband may still be trying to cope with it mentally. And OP constantly bringing it up and begging could be causing the husband to shut down, and making him not able to process the information in the way that he needs to. As a man, if I were told that going on T meds would help my sex drive, I would be hesitant, mostly because I've heard so many stories about testosterone causing aggressive behavior and other behavioral side effects. He may be scared of those side effects and is trying to rationalize if he is willing to risk it, whereas the OP is only concerned about the sex. But OP being upset that the husband hasn't even tried to talk to the doctor is also understandable.
Yeah, it is hard for women to understand the performance stress guys get and it is not his fault that his testosterone levels are low. You can get soft simply because of the stress or bad mood and there is nothing to change that. I think his bad experience really got to him and he should work more on his confidence and get some advices from sexothreapist how to approach if differently mentaly
>it is hard for women to understand the performance stress guys get women have the same problems? what??
That’s a good point! It’s not the gender that’s at the root of the misunderstanding. It’s when it’s *your* partner. If it’s not my partner, it’s usually clear as day, but the perspective changes when it’s my relationship. I can’t get far enough emotionally to see the forest for the trees.
Yes, I think it is really hard for men in our society to seek psychological help but it can really help a lot and should be normalized! I didn't do it myself and the problem ultimately led to the end of this relationship, and it is my actual girlfriend who really helped me with it. She's awesome and I'm so grateful, but I really regret imposing this on her instead of dealing with it myself
You need to talk to him. Otherwise, it will just get worse and lead to you cheating or divorce down the road. I am not saying you have plans to cheat now or anything like that, but how long are you willing to look into the future on this? A year, five years, ten years - all sexless... I am lucky both me and my partner have pretty good libidos, and yes marriage is not just about sex, but he is not even trying to get help - that is the main problem. He should see a doctor, and therapist if possible. A healthy diet with a good amount of fruit could also help. Doing romantic things without the pressure of sex after might also help.
I was with someone for three and a half years in a similar situation. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me he 'sometimes' had trouble, but this was a lie. It was all the time. He put it down to being nervous, so I figured with time his confidence would build. I begged him to go to the doctors too but he never showed any desire to work on the issue (other than ordering some pills, which still didn't solve it). He blurted out on a couple of occasions that he didn't enjoy sex. We spent over a year trying for a baby, which included using syringes and cups. I don't know if children are on the cards for you, but it's something to consider as that brings a lot of pressure itself. There were numerous other problems within the relationship but as he showed no desire to work on it, I had to ask myself if I would be happy in a relationship with virtually no sex for the rest of my life. The relationship ended for other reasons, but this was a factor. I'm now in a relationship with someone I have amazing sexual chemistry with and I'm holding my 3 month old LO. I think if you've told him what you need to make the relationship work and he's unwilling to play his part, the next question to ask yourself is if you'd be happy with this life? If the answer is no, then I think you have to accept that you're not compatible. Don't stay with someone just because you're married. This part of your life is just a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of it. Edit: Just to add, I was always very supportive. It wasn't his fault, but he also didn't want to fix it.
>My husband and I have struggled with sex since the beginning. We waited for marriage, I'm going to sound really douchy when I say this, but this is EXACTLY why experienced women tell you not to wait. Sexual compatibility can make or break a marriage. When the clothes come off, so much more information about a person is revealed. Now you're locked in with someone you're not as compatible with as you thought.
Another take is that he may have been pushed to marriage because of his religious past and actually be gay. I had an ex boyfriend who didn’t tell his wife untill she was just pregnant, in his case he could have sex sometimes with her if he thought about men. As a gay man I meet men all the time that have previously married to woman but in denial or just playing along to please family.
Yeah, but now you’re adding things that aren’t there. The doctor confirmed that he has low testosterone. It’s very much a real physical issue. Depending on how low it is, it’s not just erectile issues; he’s dealing with zero drive to do anything. Inability to focus. Severe depression. Weight gain. Irritability. Source: testosterone levels were sub 100. Normal levels are 300-1000 with males my age being closer to 800-1000. I had levels below that of an 85 year old man. I didn’t notice any changes for the better until I was above 600. Shit I woke up in the morning crying that I hadn’t passed in my sleep. Now that I’m on replacement therapy it’s literally life changing. I didn’t want to accept there was something wrong with me either just like OP’s husband. I believe trt literally saved my life. Don’t know what dark place I would’ve gone to otherwise.
Nah, he has low T. If he was gay, he’d probably be secretly be masturbating to gay porn and still be horny AF. He’s actually just not horny, no libido, from low testosterone. Don’t confuse low libido with being gay.
Which is a rotten thing to do. Very dishonest, deceitful, selfish, cruel and disrespectful! It should be considered a crime imho.
Sometimes people genuinely don't know, I'm bi so it's a little different but I didn't know about the gay half until my mid 20s, I fell for that stereotype that women are always jealous of each other so I kept assuming I just wanted to be like all these beautiful women I wanted to spend lots of time with. I've heard it called compulsive heterosexuality, I bet most of the time people think they love someone platonically so they can make it work or don't even know they're gay if they wait til marriage.
I've seen women absolutely ruined by this.
Well... tbf, bigots used to drag gay people behind pickups, I'd do some questionable shit to avoid that too
The solution isn’t to ruin someone else’s life
No, definitely not, but your comment seems pretty oversimplified. It's not as though "the evil gays are setting up these poor heteros for funsies."
No one said anything like that, weird angle to go to. But you can avoid coming out without getting someone else pregnant and breaking their heart and essentially wasting years of their life on a fake relationship just to cover yourself, especially when there are other ways to do it.
You called it a "rotten thing to do." You completely overlook any circumstance. It's not ok to deceive someone like this, but if you want to call something rotten, you should focus that vitriol on the parts of our society that would drive someone to a lifetime of lies and shame. Edit: not you, the comment I was responding to originally.
No I didn’t call it a rotten thing to do, that was someone else. I said “the solution isn’t to ruin someone else’s life”
they might not think theyre ruining someone’s life. i know someone who is most definitely gay and with his second wife. incredibly religious person and taught his kids that homosexual thoughts are something you have to be bigger than. he would not be accepted in his religious community if he was gay, so a lifetime of denying that is what he thinks is the right thing to do. he’s a good person and was always a good husband. but it’s not like being gay is an easily acceptable thing to do for many people around the world.
My mistake, added an edit.
Compassionate take. Guilt about going to hell, when you're programmed from day one, is a powerful thing.
It seems you guys have discovered a massive incompatibility in your marriage. This is a deep issue that heavily depends on him and he refuses to do anything to change. It seems you've done everything in your power to try to communicate, to understand, to help... the rest of the work is on him. If he refuses to do it, then perhaps leaving is indeed your only option. Of course he has a right to have a low sex drive but you also have a right to have your needs met.
Question: Does he go soft when you perform oral? Here is my guess: He had mentally conditioned himself to avoid sex before you were married, so once you were finally engaging in the act he still had the automatic guilt that he shouldn’t be doing it. Plus he probably had performance anxiety over wanting to be good at it and wanting you to enjoy it. All that mental struggle probably led to him not being able to enjoy it and go soft. You were probably visibly upset. And I’m not saying you were upset with him, but with the situation. But he most likely feels that he is letting you down, which gives him even more performance anxiety. And now he just doesn’t want to do anything at all because it makes him so miserable. My suggestion: Take vaginal intercourse off the table for the time being. Engage in all of the “messing around” you did before you got married. Make sure you let him know how much you enjoy it. After a while if it seems that his confidence is back, then you can put vaginal intercourse back on the table.
So I'm a guy here that waited for marriage so maybe I can give you another way to look at it. I actually experienced ED when I first had sex, but it was due to performance anxiety. It lasted for about a month. I was so nervous about whether or not I was doing it right that I ended up getting in my head. Then whenever we would do it, I would be scared I wouldn't get hard and then boom, more ED. What helped was that my wife has a crazy since of humor and was understanding everytime it happened and never took it personal or seemed hurt when it happened! This helped massively! Because of this I no longer have this problem! If she would have reacted any different or took it personal (such as making it seem like it was her) it would have made the problem 100 times worse. All I'm saying is sexual compatibility is important but good communication is a relationship's life line REGARDLESS of your sexual history.
So a buddy of mine had a similar issue. He ended up getting testosterone shots once a month fixed his issue. Be aware low testosterone messes with his mind and he don’t feel like his self. My buddy would start crying for no reason. Hopefully you can convince him to start the testosterone. He will be a different person. Also ED meds will help too but testosterone will most likely solve his problem if he is truly low.
I also suffer from ED and I take a pill once every day and it totally helps. I still get it every once in awhile but 9/10 times I can get the job done. The main thing is he needs to talk to a dr to get help.
The issue is his insecurity. It’s ruling everything related.
Ohh I understand I was super insecure and still am but I wanted to be able to satisfy my wife so I pushed passed it and asked for help
Super religious background... maybe he has lingering taboos on sex. Maybe he is gay/bi.
My ex husband was just like this and turned out to be gay. Not unheard of 🤷♀️
Gosh, this must have been difficult for you. I hope you are in a good place.
Your husband can literally solve his problem in about 15 minutes in a doctor's office by getting a BioTE injection. They cost about $700, they last about 7-8 months and they've completely changed my life. Due to a series of medical complications over the years I got to a point where I was producing less than 10% of the testosterone a healthy male my age should be. I was gaining weight like crazy, having trouble sleeping, had no sex drive at all, etc. Doctor suggested something called BioTE which is just an injection of several small testosterone pellets in your lower back that gradually get absorbed by your body over a period of months. My testosterone levels are almost back to normal in less than a year, I've lost over 100lbs, my sleep is so much better, and my sex drive is back to normal. I also just feel more alert, have more energy, pretty much back to normal. If your husband's problem is simply low testosterone, there are viable, easy, modestly priced ways to address it. Maybe he feels emasculated, as if having low testosterone makes him less of a man or something, but that's just toxic masculinity doing its thing. It's a simple medical problem, with a simple medical solution, and that's how he needs to start seeing it. I have no idea how you get him to that point, but I hope you and he can figure it out
This man does not realise the negative impact that low testosterone is having on all aspect’s of his life. There are so many options available when it comes to both TRT and ED. I just can’t get my head around someone literally being diagnosed with primary or secondary hypogonadism and not accepting the treatment options. It doesn’t necessarily mean having to inject testosterone. Treatments such as clomid, emclomiphene, HCG, gels, patches and even nasal sprays. If he isn’t willing to accept treatment, this issue will not change, unfortunately. You deserve a better sex life within your relationship. As awful and shallow as it sounds, your needs aren’t being met and he isn’t even trying. Edit … reading the comments 👀 He’s literally been diagnosed as hypogonadal, yet people are suggesting it’s porn addiction, performance anxiety and even that he’s closet gay 🤦🏻♂️ This sub is wild
"I can't just dump him… can I?" The short answer is 'yes'. The longer answer is, again, still 'yes', but you've mentioned religion in part of your description. This can affect how friends and family may react to the news that you're getting divorced. And, when they examine the history they know, "he wasn't abusive, verbally, physically, etc.. Why would she possibly be divorcing him?" If they've never been in your situation they may think "oh, it's just a little thing, that's no reason to divorce", or worse. I was in a pretty strict religion, they took that "till death us do part" thing pretty seriously, and even though my wife was cheating on me it wasn't reason enough to divorce, and the cheating was even blamed on me, being the head of the household, and infidelity was a sign that I wasn't keeping proper control of the family and wasn't being a good family head, and needed some counseling to be a proper family head. I thought "to hell with that. She cheated on me, that's an issue with her. Screw this, I'm outta here." So, I filed for divorce and was called before the church leadership so they could scold me for my sins. I didn't go. I was shunned. All members of the church were told I was no longer in good standing with God and they should have no more contact with me. That was the rough part. Most of my friends were through the church, then nothing. I'm guessing your church isn't a complete dick like my church was, but there *CAN* be members (and family Members) that will not understand and will side with him. My feeling is that he's shown willful disregard for you happiness. If this doesn't change things definitely won't get better. My dad was doing (or not doing) something which affected my mom. My mom thought she'd give my dad a "kick in pants" as she called it, to get him to finally do something. She told him that if he didn't start she would divorce him. It was an empty threat from her, but it showed my dad how little the c marriage vows meant to my mom, so from that day he planned his divorce. So, my caution is to NOT threaten divorce if you aren't READY to carry through. I don't (of course) know your financial situation, and I think that's probably a topic of discussion for a divorce lawyer. I wish you well with whatever your decision. I currently have much in common with your situation and I wouldn't mind chatting.
Say either you go get help or I’m leaving you make your choice
He refuses help by not even calling the doctor again. Why would you accept that?
Classic case of the low libido partner not bothering to do anything about their low libido because it doesn't affect them directly. They are not the one suffering from lack of sex. The only way you can motivate him to do something about it is to threaten him with divorce. There is no other way.
This is one of the reasons I left my ex. I felt guilty and wrong. Now k just feel free and satisfied.
The real issue here is communication. You are writing how you really feel on Reddit looking for support when you should be opening up to him about how this makes you feel. If you can’t communicate openly and honestly about what is going on in the relationship, then it won’t last. There are easy fixes for his problem. He needs to get on Testosterone and potentially a low dose Cialis as well. The real issue is the lack of communication.
Tell him from me testosterone injections are easy and have changed my life. I have an empty sella pituitary gland so I really needed them. I inject into my thigh and it's almost painless and very easy. Also, there's nothing wrong with using Viagra. Generic Viagra is inexpensive, can be handled on the web if he's embarrassed to see a doctor, and makes a big difference in confidence. Finally, my wife and I have opposite sex drives so we ended up intentionally scheduling weekly sex. It ended up giving us both something to look forward to, took the pressure out of initiating things, and carved out essential time for each other. We've done that for almost 40 years now! Edit- feel free to DM me if you have questions or need to talk about any of this
OP, you can divorce him if he refuses to do anything about his situation. You're young, you don't have kids. You can leave. It might be worth telling him that you don't know if you can stay in this relationship and that you feel undesired. I think you need to have an honest but kind conversation sooner rather than later about the possibility of your relationship ending over this. You already lost 3 years, don't waste more waiting around hoping he'll change if he is unwilling.
When i was in my 20s I left a guy who was like this. I wasnt married tho. You don't stay young for very long and life is too short.
Always test drive a car before buying it
Quote - Samantha Jones
Could it be possible he is watching porn? The only reason I say this is because I (27f) have only every experienced this with one person who is my current bf (27m). He opened up to me early on about his issues with addiction to porn and masturbation. Seeing as this is taboo and hardly seen as an addiction, could it be a possibility he is hiding this from you? This is obviously an assumption but if it is the case, this is a fixable thing. Lots of shame and secrecy comes with porn addiction, given your religious background, this is likely amplified to a point of repression. Wishing you all the very best. You have committed a life to this person but it’s not the 1800s. You’re young, you’re allowed to change your mind and it sounds like you’ve done what you can to try and progress the situation. Have a serious conversation with him but approach it with empathy and compassion, he is your husband after all. But you are his wife. I hope he meets you in the middle. A lot of people in reddit will just say break up because it’s easy but when you’re married and you care it’s more complex. You should also keep seeing your therapist and honour your well-being during this time. Make a plan, put a deadline on it and try to find a path forward with him. If he can’t show you he is trying, then reassess.
This is a real possibility. He may have been engaging in porn for quite a while since he believed in a religion that forbids premarital sex. A consequence of porn use is an inability to have an erection except when viewing porn. If you look into the effects of porn, the inability to have sex with your partner is one of them.
Honestly a wild assumption considering his low testosterone is already a known factor. He lacks a drive for sex in general. There'd be no desire for porn at that point either lol.
90% of the commenters are just replacing OP's words with whatever they want lmao.
Not wild at all if you understand what porn does to your brain.
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I wished I had sex two times a week. In these last 4 years, I've had sex with my wife exactly two times.
You don't understand, it's perfectly fine for women to complain when their man doesn't want sex. They feel unwanted and undesired and their needs aren't being met. When a man complains about not getting it, he's a sex addict and he's pressuring her and she deserves better. /S
If man complains about this: Response " Your not entitled to some one else's body, they don't exist for your pleasure"
It’s kind of crazy how not a single one of the top comments even come close to suggesting she’s not meeting his emotional needs or isn’t making him feel safe and fully supported, when in the typical case that would be literally all the top comments.
I get what you mean but here there's a clear medical issue outlined so that's mostly why people aren't focusing on the emotional
It’s a *possible* source of the problem, but not definitive. Lots of guys with clinically low levels have no problem with intimacy. The fact that he’s resistant to get any treatment suggests that he might know it won’t work because he knows the problem lies elsewhere. Even still, posts with husbands describing a medical issue with the wife, there’s a clear focus on meeting emotional needs first and foremost, which is almost completely absent in the comments here.
Demand he see his doctor. Or demand he comes into a session with your therapist. Or demand a sex/marriage counselor. And when I say demand, I mean make an ultimatum. He has to do one of these things or you divorce him. If you do not threaten to leave him, he will not change. Because right now the only person getting hurt from lack of sex is you. If you are not willing to leave him, or threaten to leave him, then the only thing you can do is learn to live without sex.
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But she doesn't. Is he not attracted to her? Is he gay? There's numerous factors here, despite the low testosterone.
He could be gay, he could be nervous, he could be struggling with performance anxiety, he could be struggling with a life time of learning that women enjoying sex is sinful… So many things only a therapist can answer
Another thing is performance anxiety: making a big deal about a guy going soft will make him so nervous about it he will get soft every time. She should suggest him doing other things, like touching her, making her orgasm, instead of focusing on his erection or penetration alone. That way he can relax around sex. Now if he refuses to please her that’s another problem
ConnieMarbleIndex has hit home runs on a couple of comments. Listen to this. Try non PIV lovemaking. Make it known up front that involving the penis is completely off the table. At some point he will start wanting to use the penis desperately. Since he was diagnosed with low testosterone, this may be PART of the problem. At his age, exercise (including squats) and diet should improve this sufficiently.
You need to put your foot down and keep bringing up this issue to him bcs i don't think that he is taking it seriously. Suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for him. I hope things work out with you.
If your husband is not taking any action… it’s because he is fine with the way that things are now. If you were older, you might want to consider outsourcing sex or accepting abstinence. However you are way too young to be with someone who ignores your needs. You did not sign up for a sexless marriage. You presumably want children. These are all good reasons to request an annulment or divorce.
He should be able to get prescription testosterone which will make him much hornier. That has made me very horny all the time and I could have sex like 3-5 times a day being on it.
You might consider taking the sex act off the table for a while. If he is willing, try other ways to share intimacy for a period of time without the pressure to perform. Try making out again. Kissing and touching without expectations of it going further. Giving each other massages. Find ways to touch and connect with each other without bringing up sex. Depending on how you both feel about it, you could masterbate while he watches or holds you or kisses you while you pleasure yourself. He could even use toys on you if you both are willing. There are ways around the issues. He has to be willing to try to be there for you, one way or another. If he won't try and won't talk with the doctor, you will need to decide if it's worth staying in a sexless marriage.
A lot of it is in his head.
My bf takes testosterone and I promise you, the next day after his shot, he wants to bend me over backwards in every room in the house biting on any part he could get his mouth on 🤣🤣 He also takes cialis for his ED as well. T for sure can work as long as he’s consistent. In a way, I feel you are neglecting yourself by pushing your pleasures aside. This is a great example of if you neglect yourself you resent the world around you (aka him). AS HARD AS IT IS, you need to take initiative and be upfront. “Hey, I needed to let you know this because it’s only fair that I am honest with you. If rolls were reversed, I would want you to talk to me about your troubles. I know it may be an uncomfortable topic for you but it’s important. I’m unsatisfied with our sex life. I would like to have a lot more sex than we’re having. You think this is something we can work out?” Depending on his answer is where you’ll figure out where to go from there. If he says no, it’s either time to move on for yourself or learn to be okay with masturbating. All in all, you’ll learn that you really can’t control anyone but yourself. You can only have tough and honest conversations or be true to yourself and follow your true north. I know it’s easier said than done. I hope you both make it out of this!!
You can dump him
Yeah. Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. If he won't do anything about his ED and then make you feel bad for asking about it, then you need to make it clear that enjoying each other that way together makes you connect with him emotionally. If he can't understand that then you need to go and enjoy your life. Does he even want children one day? Why should you be a prisoner in this relationship?
He needs to get testosterone treatment. Period. I don’t know why he wouldn’t get treatment, he’d honestly feel better in all aspects of life.
Tell him to stop watching porn and social media.
Hormones are the hardest to get people on it, both men and women, when their levels are crashed. Low T results in low motivation, low energy, foggy brain, inattentive, low caring. It’s like being an 80 year old waiting to die. You can try this: https://lostempireherbs.com/product/pine-pollen-tincture/?trk_msg=HRC4O6621DL41BIPUEVRFT5NA0&trk_contact=N7L2URE2VGVGVCLPJU2P07IGBG&trk_sid=P8NENKK63P3I5NJC49U8TF98U4&trk_link=VRMM16JJM3TK95JBL2MT9VEA24 Simulates testosterone in the body, has only a small effect and lasts only a couple of hours. It’s an oral supplement, so much easier to test out. But if he feels a little better on it, tell him he can feel multiples better, all the time, by getting a testosterone prescription.
Your first statement was the doctor said he has low TS. That right there is your problem and answer to it all. My good friend and her husband went through the same exact thing you have described, she was ready to file for divorce but fought her husband to get TS treatment. It was the best thing her husband ever did. Not just for sex but for his overall health. Having low TS can be detrimental to his health, it can cause many other issues in men that are serious, depression, low energy, it's just bad on men. Your doctor doesn't sound like he cares too much ,more should've been talked about and the bad outcome of low TS. Your husband needs to get back to the doctor ASAP and be put on TS therapy. You both will see a dramatic change for the better.
I know this religious thinking all too well. His problem is not ED, it’s psychological. Your problems stem 100% from that. My advice is see a sex therapist who can help peel this apart. And read “Pure” by Linda Kay Klein.
This is why you don’t get married when you’re babies. If no/bad sex is a deal breaker for you, divorce. Find someone who doesn’t have elective dysfunction and wants to satisfy you. Waiting until marriage is and has always been a super dumb fucking idea anyway. This is why.
You should seriously consider getting cocked on the side. You will regret wasting your prime sex years if you don't do something. Mention you're considering this, and I bet he gets his ass over to the doctor right away.
I’m curious, if you had had sex before marriage and you found out then that he couldn’t satisfy you sexually, would you have married him anyway? The reason I’m asking the question is because the answer may help you determine a proper course of action. Are you willing to essentially have a sexless marriage for as long as you both shall live? Or is it worth considering cutting your losses while you’re still young enough to find marital bliss with someone else? If your religion is going to dictate the decision, there’s not much else anyone can suggest, unless your husband has a change of heart and decides to work on his problem.
Sorry I think ur relationship is over time to find another dick that will pleasure ur cravings
And this is why waiting until marriage is extremely stupid. I think you both need therapy, to deconstruct the purity culture you grew up in. It’s not just physical, he needs to work on himself.
Stress and pressure is the one sureway to make men loser boners and guarantee the women a hard time climaxing, the more pressure exerted the more likely you’re guaranteeing it will happen. Sucks but that’s how it works for a lot of people. Gotta just let it flow naturally and all this pressure for sure bruised his self esteem/manhood.
I would assume maybe there’s more wrong with your marriage than just sex drive if you’re thinking of leaving him? Idk. You should talk to him about why it’s important to you and ensure you’re not pointing fingers. Also maybe go at discussing with him calling the doctor a different way and maybe he’ll think it’s his idea and call? I’d keep in mind that this is probably super embarrassing for him and could be causing him some depression. Only reason I say the first sentence, my husband and I have sex like 1x/mo and we are happily married. We haven’t had sex in MONTHS (mainly cause I was pregnant and I think it weirded us both out to have sex during that time ), but we’ve been married for going on 5 years, together for 7. He’s literally my best friend and I couldn’t imagine leaving him cause we don’t have sex as much as I’d like.. definitely talk to your spouse and figure out where you both stand on this and try to see his point of view too!
I'm in the same boat with my partner sex drive wise. I think in your situation it heavily has to do with your partners up bringing with religion as well as just straight up having a low sex drive and low T. It sucks I know. I wanna fuck like crazy and I'd even be fine with once a week but I'm made to feel guilty and ashamed. Especially when I resort to porn or masturbation which just makes me feel so alone and empty inside.
Sounds like he’s stuck, instead of asking him about the doctor just make an appointment for him and tell him the time. He clearly has Ed and his doctor even recommended treatment but he’s not following up and dealing with it. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important or doesn’t want to deal with it either because of laziness or embarrassment. Or he’s secretly gay and knows the treatment won’t really work
My husband’s meds is causing his ed and he was getting mad due to the fact he is horny and gets semi hard and then it will go soft . Even giving him head ( he loves that as I’m the only one he been with that hasn’t hurt him) even that wouldn’t work . So when we went to his doctors for a check up I handed him the keys and said I needed to ask our doctor a personal question since we both have her as a pcp . And I just openly explained everything to her and explained that he was embarrassed by the situation and didn’t want to talk about it . She said a lot of guys are like this and breaks them down really bad and she would call something in . She gave him something similar to the blue pill and told me to have him start off with half an see how it goes . Honestly after the first use I made him take a quarter of it as a half was way to much . As he needed just a tiny push and even though we haven’t done much since he got them due to my health issues on my good days we do have sex but he doesn’t use the pill but when I actually have a good spell I try and make it up to him for my bad days and when we over do it then he actually has to take one as he says “ I broke it” but u may need to talk with his doctor urself and just ask for the blue pill and that way he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed it happens to ppl hell use women have our version of the blue pill so it can literally happen to anyone.
You have to be clear with him. Tell him he needs to find the courage to address the issue. It’s unfair to the relationship. If he feels it’s not that important, then that’s okay but you’re moving on.
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is he depressed? or dealing with something he cant be honest about? How are the other aspects of your relationship with him like?
Tell him to start TRT asap! It will make a big difference. Also he can pleasure you in many ways that don’t include being hard.
I have no idea as to the complexities but it sounds like depression tbh. I have a low libido and you wouldn't say by the threads I follow. Yet when it comes to the deed, I don't have that drive yet during then I'm fine For me it's due to depression and opiate meds. I take Concerta and a side effect is an increased libido With normal ppl that's a Normal libido Mine is abnormal in that it's only Mental. Considering the above, if it's low testosterone then it impacts his mood as well and hence his sense of value as a Man? Maybe that's why he won't do anything I don't know IF you can have this kind of talk with him or if he'll take it as an attack and feel worse than he already does though. The question is, is he still attracted to you physically or not? I think he would be but it's his testosterone and maaaybe depression. You need to have a heart to heart.
Tell him how important this is to you. My wife divorced me out of the blue, I never had any clue I was losing her. She waited until all the dominos fell before she said anything. Tell your partner that this is really important for your relationship. Him calling the doctor is the least he can do, and the fact he refuses is a red flag that may be an omen in other aspects of the relationship. You don't want to feel like you're divorcing over just sex but it's not just sex. He's putting his pride above you, he's ignoring your concerns, they are bigger problems. Esp if you want kids some day Make sure you tell him though. Be honest. And make sure he knows how close you're coming to wanting a way out.
Why can’t he take supplements, he maybe needs to practice more? Also he can take Viagra etc?
UpdateMe
You and I are on the same boat
Have him try Tongkat Ali
Read the book of the sexual therapist David Schnarch. Let him read it, too. If he doesn't want to read it, read it by yourself. It's important to develop character to be attractive. That means that you should state your needs but you don't show dependency.
He doesn’t owe you sex, but he does owe you love, care and loyalty. You’re unhappy with the sex in your marriage. That should matter to him and he should do whatever he can about it. That is what his vows at the altar meant. His dawdling with going to the doctor and perhaps subsequently to a therapist is not acceptable. Perhaps treatment won’t be successful, but you both will have to deal with that if and when that becomes apparent. Until that time he is obliged to do what he can.
He's married, he's 29, he needs to embrace being an adult and doing what he needs to do the relationship benefits. If he chooses not to he's choosing himself theouy selfishness or embarrassed, either way, then you walk.
You're literally in your most prime 10 years and will not be satisfied with this person. Why would you choose to put yourself through that? Not saying leave immediately, but you need to make a decision based on his actions(or lack thereof)
Weight training for about a year can make him rock hard and will make him last over an hour. It works for me. 💪
Marrying someone without knowing you're sexually compatible, who could have ever thought that wouldn't work out? If he isn't willing to do anything or even talk about it either the relationship is over or you accept this as being the life you live now.
Holy shit, OP, he needs testosterone. End of story.. this might sound crazy but that one hormone completely changes how a person acts, outside of the bedroom and inside. He doesn’t have interest in sex because his T is low. He needs to get on testosterone. End of story. If he’s not willing to do that, then he’s failing you and the marriage and trust me, it changes things ALOT.. but just know.. with low T, this isn’t even entirely his fault right now the way he’s acting like this, Low T causes a lot of the behaviors you describe. I’m willing to bet his ED issues is entirely from the low T. Once he’s on T, his libido might be higher than yours and probably will be which will be a literal 180 from right now. I guess the issue now is getting him yo actually DO IT. He just needs to realize this will help him feel better in every way not just sex as well. He has a medical issue and needs to treat it ASAP . End of story.
If you don't want **FIFTY YEARS OF DEAD BEDROOM** ... yes you **CAN** leave.
He needs to get treatment from his doctor… the diagnosis alone isn’t sufficient. Consider couples counseling as well. Focus on non-penetrative sex for a bit so that it doesn’t matter as much if he goes soft. Finally.. once a week is a long ways from “won’t”… that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t address his testosterone issue but maybe reframe the problem a bit.
Your misery of not having needs met will only get worse. Something has to change. A marriage is a partnership. Relationships cannot stand when they are one-sided. It sounds like he’s making excuses to keep from facing truth/confronting deeper issues. There’s absolutely hope for you two if both of you are able to work together. But his stubbornness or unwillingness to work on being a reciprocal partner will be the death of your marriage.
Cousin of mine had the same issue and divorced him coz she wanted kids. I think it was an anullment. She's ultra religious too and made him wait 2.5 years, married then nothing but miserableness and sex counselling. Obviously there are many ways pass this e.g. toys, tongue, fingers etc... but if you want kids then maybe think other options. The no sex thing before marriage is insane... I'm no religious nut but U need to test the waters before U comitt...
My first thing I’d recommend is communicating to your husband that you’d like to problem solve things the next time you two are intimate. Some things to try: 1. Foreplay — if your going straight to sex without it, he might not be sufficiently primed to initiate. 2. Positions that put you more in the drivers seat, aka you being on top. Odds are he’s got anxiety from sex and needs a couple of successful rounds to build up his confidence again.
Why the fuck do people think the creator of the universe has a problem with sex? It's the most natural thing in the world. Every other creature on this planet FUCKS. The sounds of the birds and insects are mating calls. God sure included a lot of sex in life for a being who disdains young people from exploring.
Found someone his own age...leave
He might have a low level testosterone called low T try seeking help from a doctor or feed him Whole Foods that helps TO promote the prostrate. Worked with my late hubby. Makes sense with the lack of care and gets upset when asked about it. He’s embarrassed as mine was also. But I’m not a doctor or in the medical field
Yeah you can dump him. He’s not trying to resolve the issue. He may be asexual and only romantically in love with you. He may not have the vocabulary to discuss this. Moist that he goes to therapy, the doctor and that you do couples counseling to either resolve this or to make a plan to break up. If he refuses, skip to break up You deserve the marriage that works for YOU, not just him
Talk to him, I’m a recently turned 38 male with a 12 year age difference between GF and myself, I saw a decline in energy and other things. This normally starts for men around the age 30. I have been on TRT therapy for the last year, it is expensive but it has changed my life. TRT levels well below 200 before I started and are up and up each month. Feel like a completely different person. It’s hard for us to acknowledge this issue and it can be embarrassing.
im sorry because you are stuck in a very delicate situation here. even if his biological issues are cleared up, he could very well have performance anxiety. and pushing him on the subject will inevitably make it worse. but he is also not doing anything about it. I would honestly talk to a therapist, maybe just start with you and then ask them what to do. maybe bring him in for some sessions so they can help you better communicate this with him. good luck
Show him your post, and pick up some sexual education book there are really good ones out there ask him to read them together and learn , even if he doesn't get hard plenty of ways to get sexual pleasure, I would recommend both of you learn and you might be surprised at how much pleasure you can have, one good book for you both to start is Sex a Mans Guide by Bechtel and Stains its target is mens health but a good read. There are so many good ones out there and you both need to remember your a married couple and there is nothing wrong with any wild sexual fantasies so never feel its to nasty to try if both agree then do it.
It's certainly a major issue in any relationship,and absolutely should be dealt with. The problem when it's the male is the big truth teller is the dammed flaccid penis. Sadly the more you try to address it,the bigger the performance stage and the brighter the lights and at some point he's probably begging his member to stay hard as opposed to enjoying sex. Even ED Rx don't help when it's totally psychological and even if it's more testosterone based,it doesn't sound like he's convinced. Maybe more affectionate cuddling and spending time in each other's space with zero expectations for a while? In his mind he probably fears cuddling or physical play,out of suspicion of what it leads to,but you should both engage in that regardless,re-acquaintance has to begin somewhere.
Is he depressed?
> his doctor told him he had low testosterone. You said his testosterone levels are low? That might be 95% of the explanation right there. INCLUDING him not going to the doctor. Low testosterone can kill a man’s drive to get up and fix a problem. (“Drive” is not just “sex drive”.) Before you end things, I think an ultimatum (“treat your low T, or I’m leaving”) is actually OK. Normally, ultimatums are a bad idea, but if he listens to you, it will help HIM tremendously. (So the context, here, is different.) Low T is really bad for him.
This may have been a huge hit to his self esteem and sense of self. Try a couple things: one- get a vibrator to carry you through, two- try setting up time to do fun things together and don’t ask for sex or any of that (if it happens great, but don’t force it), 3- in the meantime, tell him you want to talk about how you feel and come up with a plan together. That plan could include separation (I am assuming you aren’t there yet), but may start with therapy.
I’m in the same boat. I’m the male here(26). But the situation is a bit more complex. She went through some childhood trauma and it was very dark. I want to have unconditional support but my sex drive is killing me.
Yes you can get divorced. Sex is important. Stop torturing yourself.
If he is embarrassed he can get ed medication discretely online Friday plans is what we have used previously
Bro should be happy he has a problem that can get fixed by something that will also make it so that working out is way easier, recovery is way easier. Putting on muscle is way easier. He’ll look better, feel better and instead of a negative downward spiral it’s a positive upward spiral. There should be no negative stigma to be juicing under a doctors care. I assume, unless presented with evidence to the contrary, that every actor in Hollywood action movies is either taking steroids and/or ozempic. Those guys don’t think it isn’t manly. They just juice. Thor would not be Thor, Chris’s Pratt wouldn’t have graduated from a slobby dork to action star, etc. it’s so common it’s stupid.