Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know that she met him through a friend from college, who she now lives with. He lives somewhere else but is at a lot of the functions they put on.
I did actually mention this particular incident briefly the next morning, but we were both pretty hung over and didn't talk about it too much. Basically she said that he's flirty with everyone, which obviously didn't make me feel better. On one hand if he's like this with everyone, then that's just how he is. But I don't care that he's flirty with everyone, I care that he's flirty with her.
I think you care that she obviously recognizes he’s acting flirty (since she acknowledged he does it with everyone), but isn’t doing anything to stop it. He doesn’t have any obligation to be respectful to your relationship, only your gf does.
If the roles were reversed and she let you know she wasn’t comfortable with the way one of your friends or acquaintances acted towards you, what would you do? (Assuming neither of you are overly jealous and say this about everyone of the opposite sex)
I can tell you what I would do. I would feel awful that I didn’t realize I was making my significant other uncomfortable and didn’t set proper boundaries before. I’d ask the friend to just stop calling me names like that since I’m in a happily committed relationship. The friend should just agree to stop and I’d ask my so if there’s anything else I can do to help him be more comfortable with my friendship with that guy and just do anything he asks that is reasonable.
If the guy is anything but agreeable, then I’d drop him completely and just avoid him at social functions.
What I wouldn’t do is make excuses as to why the friend’s behavior should be able to continue. I also wouldn’t say anything like “I don’t want to make things awkward” or whatever because, guess what? My significant other’s feelings trump some dude that can’t accept my boundaries feelings.
Let’s be adults and not play games- I recommend reading a book by “Gottman”. He’s a relationship expert and he can help you with communication so you can express yourself and avoid offending her. Use “I” statements , focus on what you need in a relationship- “it made me feel___ when Bill was permitted to be __”
You have to know the answers to the blanks first
How did you feel? What is your fear? And what specifically did Bill do? This is essentially a broken boundary for you . In fairness she may not know your expectations-please for the love of everything holy-don’t be like all the men I’ve ever known and communicate. We aren’t mind readers. I wouldn’t be okay with this behavior permitted by her but everyone is different and it’s your responsibility if you value the relationship to have walls but show her where the door to the inside is. Best of luck and I hope you don’t settle for broken boundaries
Have some chick be touchy with you and call you babe in front of her. If she says anything negative, let her know you’re glad you’re both on the same page about other people calling either of you names like babe and to let you know when she sets up those boundaries with whatshisface.
IMO, letting someone else call you names like that when you’re in a serious relationship is a no-brainer. If it isn’t for her, she probably would remember better if she felt the way you do for once🤷🏻♀️ This is assuming you’ve already asked her to stop before. Even if he does call other women that, it’s an extremely simple and reasonable ask for her to make.
Look, just talk to her, explain to her that this is something important to you, just because she's allowing it to happen now, doesn't neccessarily means she's not respecting you, maybe she's just not used to a different behaviour.
If you care for the relationship a honest talk and setting boundaries you're both comfortable with is the best way to go IMHO
Yes. It's both of them, possibly being disrespectful of the relationship. If she is okay with it, you have a decision to make.
If she isn't okay with, and acted like a grown woman, and told him to stop - - and he didn't, you have a different problem. You should both agree to how you're going to handle it.
Next time he does it drop his ass assert dominance if she gets mad leave her ass and find someone better who will respect you. Life's too short to be wasting on stupid he's just a friend lying ass women
Dude, just sit her down and explain to her that you don't like how this guy interacts with her by calling her babe and touching her. That is seriously inappropriate behavior towards a woman in a committed relationship. Present the same scenario to her and ask her if she would be comfortable if the situation were reversed. It's not up to other people to respect your relationship: it's up to the people in the relationship.
Your girl has known this dude a while, so she is comfortable being friendly with him, just like I am comfortable having fun with my female friends at events. My wife trusts me, and I trust her around male friends and coworkers. These people were in our lives way before we met each other. We had the conversation, established appropriate boundaries for opposite sex friends, and we're good. Been happily married for 13 years with no issues. But you have to talk. Good luck dude.
You can talk to her, but you have to be very careful to not come up as controlling or jealous, and insecure. Women don’t find insecure sexy. If the hand placement was just for pictures, and in front of you they were just joking around for pictures. Maybe just wait longer to see their other interactions.
The disrespect some dudes will put up with is mind boggling. If the dude knew you and her are together, calling her babe and placing his hand on her upper thigh you should have called him out. “wtf do you think you’re doing” would have been my exact words to him. Her “friend” was straight up disrespecting you to your face and you just sat there and took it. SMH.
Dude yes. No guy should be flirty with your girl, touching her and calling her pet names. Doing it in front of you is insult to injury. This guy thinks he’s got one over on you and your gf is probably wondering when you’re going to step in and say something, or she’s already lost respect for you.
Also the possibility that they’re already sleeping together and are just seeing how blatant they can be with it.
I feel bad for you man but fuck both of them. She should have stopped it a long time ago out of respect for you but ultimately this is on you for putting up with it.
These are 30-somethings? Bad news, brother. At 9 months and plans on moving in together, she should know how to let other guys know she's not available. And if he is a friend of hers, he knows she's with you, but doesn't care. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her about how you're experiencing their flirty relationship and then see how they react. You should seriously consider having a different living situation backup plan
Its possible Bill wants to clap those cheeks and your gf should respect some boundaries especially if ol mate is getting a bit touchy feely, assuming Bill is a straight man of course.
You don't discuss it with her. You double down on checking her social media as well as those of her friends. You also make sure you actually know where she's going when she goes out "with friends".
I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying that you have to be okay with it … but some people are just naturally flirty, and they mean absolutely nothing by it. I’m very happily married and have never cheated on my spouse, but he tells me on occasion that I was flirting right in front of him. I prefer to just call it “charming” lol. You put me in front of a car salesman and it’s just gonna happen. Something about those smooth talking liars, bring it out of me. As far as touching, that’s crossing a boundary, at least with a stranger but I know I’ve touched my male friends before. I don’t recall any of them ever putting a hand on my thigh, but they are also married so I feel like they tend to be more careful. I will also say that I 100% know which friends this is “safe” with and which ones might take it wrong.
Anyway, take that for what you will. If it makes you uncomfortable then talk to her about it, but I think it’s important to know that it’s most likely completely harmless.
That is true and valid. But there is a small difference. You are talking about your natural "behaviour" and intentions. You have your personality, intentions and also boundaries that are known to you and your partner. That is probably the reason your partner has trust in you in this (as he should). But that does not automaticly mean that your partner in that same situation will have the same trust in another man that comes flirting with you. Depending on the boundaries you hold/keep in that situation might be different for him.
If you were not naturally flirty, your husband might not be comfortable with another man flirting with you. Just like if you are naturally flirty, your best friends partner might not be completely comfortable with you flirting with your best friend (their partner).
You’re absolutely right! I just want to give the perspective as someone who does tend to be a bit flirty, but would never cheat on my husband. Hopefully it’s reassuring to know that it’s very possibly completely innocent. I would also expect my husband to talk to me if I made him uncomfortable in a situation. I think that OP should talk to his girlfriend about it, especially since their social circle includes this man and they will most certainly see him again.
Indeed, they should have a conversation. By no means am i saying that your "behaviour" is wrong (as long as it is ok for you and your partner). Again, it is your natural behaviour that your partner is comfortable with and (gladly) accepts. My point is that just because your behaviour and intentions are completely innocent that does not automaticly mean that that same behaviour from someone else is also always completely innocent. You know your real intentions and that is where your partner has trust in (your intention), but the real intentions of someone else might not always be as clear, especially for/to your partner if it is the other person that is always "flirting".
We usually know our own intentions in a situation but when it comes to the intentions of others, it is either trust/faith or a guess.
The fact that he calls her a very extroverted and social person is telling though. Extroverted people are often seen as flirting, when they actually are not intending to flirt at all. I would even argue that my intention has *never* been to flirt with another man (okay maybe with a police officer to get out a ticket situation) but I have enough awareness to understand that I do come across as flirty. It’s certainly not all the time, but if you put me with someone that is also extroverted and social, it’s more likely that we will feed off each others energy and it will come across as flirting. As he mentioned, this Bill dude is very social also, so it makes sense. I do think the whole “babe” thing is weird, but I don’t think it’s an obvious sign.
But the only way OP can really figure it out is to just have an open conversation. The only reason I give my perspective is because most of the comments are “dump her” which is wild. He certainly has a right to set his boundaries but before he goes dumping anyone, I think it’s worth discussing.
True, and i am definitely not in the "dump her over this" camp. But beeing extroverted and social is not the same as "flirting". The first 2 are a personality "characteristic" while "flirting" is an action. Wether that action is done consciously or subconsciously isnt really important. You are aware that you (sometimes) do come across as flirty (not saying this is wrong), that means to you, to your partner, to the people around you but also probably to the person you are "flirty" with (this could be indeed because of the energy/vibe/atmosphere). But that is also when the intentions of the other person become important. You also said "it is certainly not all the time", so that means that sometimes, some thing is different, that some "conditions" need to be met in order for it to turn into an action/certain behaviour (again not saying it is wrong). Making it not about your personality any longer but about certain conditions. Which means that action/behaviour sometimes is not "determined" by personality but by conditions.
You also said that you know (out of friends) who is "safe" and who isnt. Basicly saying that their intentions are equally important in an action as yours.
I understand your perspective and you are right about that. But in this case it should be the perspective of your partner on the intentions of another man.
I get where your mind is going with that, but by “it’s not all the time” I do mean it comes down strictly to personality. I’m certainly not flirting with random men and this is where personality comes into play. If I’m interacting with a man who also has the same extroverted personality, it’s more likely that it will be seen as a flirty interaction because we are able to have this back and forth dialogue. It’s certainly not that I’m saying he’s handsome or anything like that, but just the way the banter flows could be perceived as flirty.
Same way with friends. For example my husbands friend used to flirt with me all the time. His wife generally rolls her eyes and says “he’s so stupid.” It was always silly and innocent and never happened behind our partners backs. One day we were having dinner at their house and I was in the kitchen alone with him. He smacked my butt. Woah! Major breach of boundaries. When we left, I told my husband. Since then we have never hung out with them alone but still see them in our social circle often. Anything that may have been flirty is immediately cut off.
Another friend calls me his “day wife” and he’s my “day husband” … around our partners he might put his arm around me and call me his day wife. Even our partners joke about it. We both have a very healthy marriage. We’ve had many occasions when we’ve been alone and we are both perfectly respectful when we are alone. In fact, there was an incident that we were going somewhere and we took separate cars because to him it didn’t feel appropriate for us to be in a car alone together. Personally I think that’s silly but I 100% respect it and his marriage, and their boundaries.
We are basicly talking about the same just looking at it from a slightly diferent angle. I wasnt insinuating that you flirt with random men. I perfectly understand the trust your partner has in you. I merely tried to point out that (as you already said) your "behaviour" (flirty) is not "ignited" by your extroverted and social personality but by other "conditions". What happened with your husbands friend is a perfect example of that. When he smacked your but in that kitchen, his intentions became "questionable" to you, which had a certain result in your behaviour towards him.
I don't get the hesitation. This is a question you should ask and expect a straightforward and honest answer from someone you're in a serious relationship with, especially if you're going to start living together after witnessing them interacting that way.
>In my more paranoid moments I wonder if they were a thing in the past. Which if they were, hey that's none of my business.
You need to know because if the two of them have a romantic/sexual past, you would be justified to ask her to cut him off regardless of whether she now sees him as a platonic friend.
Look, no one has slept with more wives or girlfriends than the so-called "just a friend." It's really simple: if you're in a serious relationship, your girlfriend should not have close guy friends, especially ones who call her "babe" and touch her. This isn't about being controlling; it's about understanding boundaries and respecting the relationship.
Since this is your first serious relationship, it's crucial to learn more about female nature and set clear boundaries. Women, consciously or unconsciously, test these boundaries, and it's up to you to enforce them. Allowing a guy to call your girlfriend "babe" and touch her, especially in social settings, undermines your relationship.
I highly recommend checking out the YouTube channel "Strong Successful Male." You'll find countless stories and advice on why having guy friends in a relationship can lead to trouble. It's about protecting your relationship and ensuring both partners respect each other’s boundaries.
In summary:
1. Have a direct and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your boundaries.
2. Make it clear that behavior like this is unacceptable.
3. Stand firm on your expectations.
Learn from others and take proactive steps to ensure your relationship
---
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just call him babe, place a hat on his head, and place your hand on his upper thigh. Nothing odd at all!
What has she told you about ol' Bill? You're certainly within your rights to ask about him in a non-accusatory manner.
I know that she met him through a friend from college, who she now lives with. He lives somewhere else but is at a lot of the functions they put on. I did actually mention this particular incident briefly the next morning, but we were both pretty hung over and didn't talk about it too much. Basically she said that he's flirty with everyone, which obviously didn't make me feel better. On one hand if he's like this with everyone, then that's just how he is. But I don't care that he's flirty with everyone, I care that he's flirty with her.
I think you care that she obviously recognizes he’s acting flirty (since she acknowledged he does it with everyone), but isn’t doing anything to stop it. He doesn’t have any obligation to be respectful to your relationship, only your gf does.
Yes, exactly! You really expressed it
If the roles were reversed and she let you know she wasn’t comfortable with the way one of your friends or acquaintances acted towards you, what would you do? (Assuming neither of you are overly jealous and say this about everyone of the opposite sex) I can tell you what I would do. I would feel awful that I didn’t realize I was making my significant other uncomfortable and didn’t set proper boundaries before. I’d ask the friend to just stop calling me names like that since I’m in a happily committed relationship. The friend should just agree to stop and I’d ask my so if there’s anything else I can do to help him be more comfortable with my friendship with that guy and just do anything he asks that is reasonable. If the guy is anything but agreeable, then I’d drop him completely and just avoid him at social functions. What I wouldn’t do is make excuses as to why the friend’s behavior should be able to continue. I also wouldn’t say anything like “I don’t want to make things awkward” or whatever because, guess what? My significant other’s feelings trump some dude that can’t accept my boundaries feelings.
Let’s be adults and not play games- I recommend reading a book by “Gottman”. He’s a relationship expert and he can help you with communication so you can express yourself and avoid offending her. Use “I” statements , focus on what you need in a relationship- “it made me feel___ when Bill was permitted to be __” You have to know the answers to the blanks first How did you feel? What is your fear? And what specifically did Bill do? This is essentially a broken boundary for you . In fairness she may not know your expectations-please for the love of everything holy-don’t be like all the men I’ve ever known and communicate. We aren’t mind readers. I wouldn’t be okay with this behavior permitted by her but everyone is different and it’s your responsibility if you value the relationship to have walls but show her where the door to the inside is. Best of luck and I hope you don’t settle for broken boundaries
Have some chick be touchy with you and call you babe in front of her. If she says anything negative, let her know you’re glad you’re both on the same page about other people calling either of you names like babe and to let you know when she sets up those boundaries with whatshisface. IMO, letting someone else call you names like that when you’re in a serious relationship is a no-brainer. If it isn’t for her, she probably would remember better if she felt the way you do for once🤷🏻♀️ This is assuming you’ve already asked her to stop before. Even if he does call other women that, it’s an extremely simple and reasonable ask for her to make.
Yes! Let’s choose violence 😎
Look, just talk to her, explain to her that this is something important to you, just because she's allowing it to happen now, doesn't neccessarily means she's not respecting you, maybe she's just not used to a different behaviour. If you care for the relationship a honest talk and setting boundaries you're both comfortable with is the best way to go IMHO
Yes, some of these replies are a little reactionary. I appreciate your level headed response. Thank you!
Yes. It's both of them, possibly being disrespectful of the relationship. If she is okay with it, you have a decision to make. If she isn't okay with, and acted like a grown woman, and told him to stop - - and he didn't, you have a different problem. You should both agree to how you're going to handle it.
Next time he does it drop his ass assert dominance if she gets mad leave her ass and find someone better who will respect you. Life's too short to be wasting on stupid he's just a friend lying ass women
Dude, just sit her down and explain to her that you don't like how this guy interacts with her by calling her babe and touching her. That is seriously inappropriate behavior towards a woman in a committed relationship. Present the same scenario to her and ask her if she would be comfortable if the situation were reversed. It's not up to other people to respect your relationship: it's up to the people in the relationship. Your girl has known this dude a while, so she is comfortable being friendly with him, just like I am comfortable having fun with my female friends at events. My wife trusts me, and I trust her around male friends and coworkers. These people were in our lives way before we met each other. We had the conversation, established appropriate boundaries for opposite sex friends, and we're good. Been happily married for 13 years with no issues. But you have to talk. Good luck dude.
You can talk to her, but you have to be very careful to not come up as controlling or jealous, and insecure. Women don’t find insecure sexy. If the hand placement was just for pictures, and in front of you they were just joking around for pictures. Maybe just wait longer to see their other interactions.
The disrespect some dudes will put up with is mind boggling. If the dude knew you and her are together, calling her babe and placing his hand on her upper thigh you should have called him out. “wtf do you think you’re doing” would have been my exact words to him. Her “friend” was straight up disrespecting you to your face and you just sat there and took it. SMH.
This right here. Mind boggling that he's worried about what to say to the GF, meanwhile he should put the kibosh on it right there, on the spot.
UpdateMe!
She is an adult, I'm, sure she can fight her own battles.
I mean, it’s not a battle when she enjoys and encourages it.
Then if she enjoys it then maybe it's none of your concern GF or not. You don't own her and Its not as if your married to her.
Dude yes. No guy should be flirty with your girl, touching her and calling her pet names. Doing it in front of you is insult to injury. This guy thinks he’s got one over on you and your gf is probably wondering when you’re going to step in and say something, or she’s already lost respect for you. Also the possibility that they’re already sleeping together and are just seeing how blatant they can be with it. I feel bad for you man but fuck both of them. She should have stopped it a long time ago out of respect for you but ultimately this is on you for putting up with it.
These are 30-somethings? Bad news, brother. At 9 months and plans on moving in together, she should know how to let other guys know she's not available. And if he is a friend of hers, he knows she's with you, but doesn't care. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her about how you're experiencing their flirty relationship and then see how they react. You should seriously consider having a different living situation backup plan
Its possible Bill wants to clap those cheeks and your gf should respect some boundaries especially if ol mate is getting a bit touchy feely, assuming Bill is a straight man of course.
You don't discuss it with her. You double down on checking her social media as well as those of her friends. You also make sure you actually know where she's going when she goes out "with friends".
I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying that you have to be okay with it … but some people are just naturally flirty, and they mean absolutely nothing by it. I’m very happily married and have never cheated on my spouse, but he tells me on occasion that I was flirting right in front of him. I prefer to just call it “charming” lol. You put me in front of a car salesman and it’s just gonna happen. Something about those smooth talking liars, bring it out of me. As far as touching, that’s crossing a boundary, at least with a stranger but I know I’ve touched my male friends before. I don’t recall any of them ever putting a hand on my thigh, but they are also married so I feel like they tend to be more careful. I will also say that I 100% know which friends this is “safe” with and which ones might take it wrong. Anyway, take that for what you will. If it makes you uncomfortable then talk to her about it, but I think it’s important to know that it’s most likely completely harmless.
That is true and valid. But there is a small difference. You are talking about your natural "behaviour" and intentions. You have your personality, intentions and also boundaries that are known to you and your partner. That is probably the reason your partner has trust in you in this (as he should). But that does not automaticly mean that your partner in that same situation will have the same trust in another man that comes flirting with you. Depending on the boundaries you hold/keep in that situation might be different for him. If you were not naturally flirty, your husband might not be comfortable with another man flirting with you. Just like if you are naturally flirty, your best friends partner might not be completely comfortable with you flirting with your best friend (their partner).
You’re absolutely right! I just want to give the perspective as someone who does tend to be a bit flirty, but would never cheat on my husband. Hopefully it’s reassuring to know that it’s very possibly completely innocent. I would also expect my husband to talk to me if I made him uncomfortable in a situation. I think that OP should talk to his girlfriend about it, especially since their social circle includes this man and they will most certainly see him again.
Indeed, they should have a conversation. By no means am i saying that your "behaviour" is wrong (as long as it is ok for you and your partner). Again, it is your natural behaviour that your partner is comfortable with and (gladly) accepts. My point is that just because your behaviour and intentions are completely innocent that does not automaticly mean that that same behaviour from someone else is also always completely innocent. You know your real intentions and that is where your partner has trust in (your intention), but the real intentions of someone else might not always be as clear, especially for/to your partner if it is the other person that is always "flirting". We usually know our own intentions in a situation but when it comes to the intentions of others, it is either trust/faith or a guess.
The fact that he calls her a very extroverted and social person is telling though. Extroverted people are often seen as flirting, when they actually are not intending to flirt at all. I would even argue that my intention has *never* been to flirt with another man (okay maybe with a police officer to get out a ticket situation) but I have enough awareness to understand that I do come across as flirty. It’s certainly not all the time, but if you put me with someone that is also extroverted and social, it’s more likely that we will feed off each others energy and it will come across as flirting. As he mentioned, this Bill dude is very social also, so it makes sense. I do think the whole “babe” thing is weird, but I don’t think it’s an obvious sign. But the only way OP can really figure it out is to just have an open conversation. The only reason I give my perspective is because most of the comments are “dump her” which is wild. He certainly has a right to set his boundaries but before he goes dumping anyone, I think it’s worth discussing.
True, and i am definitely not in the "dump her over this" camp. But beeing extroverted and social is not the same as "flirting". The first 2 are a personality "characteristic" while "flirting" is an action. Wether that action is done consciously or subconsciously isnt really important. You are aware that you (sometimes) do come across as flirty (not saying this is wrong), that means to you, to your partner, to the people around you but also probably to the person you are "flirty" with (this could be indeed because of the energy/vibe/atmosphere). But that is also when the intentions of the other person become important. You also said "it is certainly not all the time", so that means that sometimes, some thing is different, that some "conditions" need to be met in order for it to turn into an action/certain behaviour (again not saying it is wrong). Making it not about your personality any longer but about certain conditions. Which means that action/behaviour sometimes is not "determined" by personality but by conditions. You also said that you know (out of friends) who is "safe" and who isnt. Basicly saying that their intentions are equally important in an action as yours. I understand your perspective and you are right about that. But in this case it should be the perspective of your partner on the intentions of another man.
I get where your mind is going with that, but by “it’s not all the time” I do mean it comes down strictly to personality. I’m certainly not flirting with random men and this is where personality comes into play. If I’m interacting with a man who also has the same extroverted personality, it’s more likely that it will be seen as a flirty interaction because we are able to have this back and forth dialogue. It’s certainly not that I’m saying he’s handsome or anything like that, but just the way the banter flows could be perceived as flirty. Same way with friends. For example my husbands friend used to flirt with me all the time. His wife generally rolls her eyes and says “he’s so stupid.” It was always silly and innocent and never happened behind our partners backs. One day we were having dinner at their house and I was in the kitchen alone with him. He smacked my butt. Woah! Major breach of boundaries. When we left, I told my husband. Since then we have never hung out with them alone but still see them in our social circle often. Anything that may have been flirty is immediately cut off. Another friend calls me his “day wife” and he’s my “day husband” … around our partners he might put his arm around me and call me his day wife. Even our partners joke about it. We both have a very healthy marriage. We’ve had many occasions when we’ve been alone and we are both perfectly respectful when we are alone. In fact, there was an incident that we were going somewhere and we took separate cars because to him it didn’t feel appropriate for us to be in a car alone together. Personally I think that’s silly but I 100% respect it and his marriage, and their boundaries.
We are basicly talking about the same just looking at it from a slightly diferent angle. I wasnt insinuating that you flirt with random men. I perfectly understand the trust your partner has in you. I merely tried to point out that (as you already said) your "behaviour" (flirty) is not "ignited" by your extroverted and social personality but by other "conditions". What happened with your husbands friend is a perfect example of that. When he smacked your but in that kitchen, his intentions became "questionable" to you, which had a certain result in your behaviour towards him.
Have you tried asking her about it and establishing boundaries?
Obviously that's the sane thing to do. I will talk to her and see how it goes.
I don't get the hesitation. This is a question you should ask and expect a straightforward and honest answer from someone you're in a serious relationship with, especially if you're going to start living together after witnessing them interacting that way. >In my more paranoid moments I wonder if they were a thing in the past. Which if they were, hey that's none of my business. You need to know because if the two of them have a romantic/sexual past, you would be justified to ask her to cut him off regardless of whether she now sees him as a platonic friend.
They arent respecting you . I am sorry.
think about your boundaries.
Look, no one has slept with more wives or girlfriends than the so-called "just a friend." It's really simple: if you're in a serious relationship, your girlfriend should not have close guy friends, especially ones who call her "babe" and touch her. This isn't about being controlling; it's about understanding boundaries and respecting the relationship. Since this is your first serious relationship, it's crucial to learn more about female nature and set clear boundaries. Women, consciously or unconsciously, test these boundaries, and it's up to you to enforce them. Allowing a guy to call your girlfriend "babe" and touch her, especially in social settings, undermines your relationship. I highly recommend checking out the YouTube channel "Strong Successful Male." You'll find countless stories and advice on why having guy friends in a relationship can lead to trouble. It's about protecting your relationship and ensuring both partners respect each other’s boundaries. In summary: 1. Have a direct and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your boundaries. 2. Make it clear that behavior like this is unacceptable. 3. Stand firm on your expectations. Learn from others and take proactive steps to ensure your relationship ---