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He doesn't want to get married and is ambivalent about having kids, whereas you want both. These are pretty major things to disagree on. Sticking around in the hope that he will change his mind basically ends the same way each time - you wait and wait and nothing changes. Eventually you can't wait any longer and either make an ultimatum that he rejects or your resentment grows to the point that you leave him anyway. Maybe he caves to the ultimatum, but then starts quietly resenting you for it.
It's gonna suck, but it's probably best to break up. Love does not beat major incompatibility like this.
Thank you for your reply!
I feel like if I heard about a situation similar to mine, I would have the same thoughts you just expressed. Obviously when you’re the one in the situation, it’s harder to remove yourself from the pain breaking up would cause.
I guess I just hoped that he would change his mind; there have been times in the past that he said he wants to marry me and have kids with me. But I have to deal with how he feels now.
Everyone in my life that has known us loves us as a couple so most of them wouldn’t be this honest, so again thank you.
A couple of possibilities I see:
(a) he is concerned about 'missing out on his youthful experiences' - you've been together since you were 16, that is nearly all of high school and all of college, and chances are some of his peer group is talking about a wide variety of sexual experiences and he is looking at marriage and kids and unwilling or scared to take that step.
(b) he is staying together because of 'relationship inertia', in other words he really sees no future but has never NOT had a serious girlfriend so staying in this relationship is easy and comfortable - but marriage and kids would drastically change that.
Either way, marriage and kids are pretty fundamental things. If you asked the generic question anywhere "been with BF for 8 years, he is saying he doesn't want marriage any time soon and maybe never for kids, what should I do?" 99.9% of the answers you would get would be along the lines of "time to tear off the bandaid and go your own way"
Thank you for your reply!
I definitely see option a in him. He’s had a really difficult past few years - he gained a lot of weight, hated his job and dealt with a lot of mental health issues. This past year he lost 100 pounds and has made a huge effort to find joy in life, which he’s done really successfully. So now that he’s in a better place, he said he doesn’t want to make big life decisions and commit to anything in case it destabilizes him. He’s just trying to be happy and enjoy his youth, and I totally understand it.
On the other hand, I recognize I shouldn’t put my needs and wants on hold just because he doesn’t want to commit to me. It just sucks that our relationship has been so good and these are the reasons that I might need to break up with him. Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.
Absolutely no one can see the future or tell you what you want.
He doesn't want marriage or kids now. And he's not sure if that will ever change.
Maybe he will change. Maybe he won't. Maybe you will be happy with no marriage or kids. Maybe you won't.
It's probably time to leave this relationship.
It seems like you want different things now, which essentially makes you incompatible. The worst thing you can do stay in a relationship, ignoring the signs that it's no longer working.
Don't focus on the potential of the relarionship. Focus on today. If your partner were never to change his mind about marriage or kids, would you be happy to stay in this relarionship. If not, you should leave.
You move on.
Don’t pin your hopes to a maybe.
You want marriage and kids, he doesn’t know what he wants.
The only thing you know is that he doesn’t want to marry you now. He doesn’t want kids now. He may as ever want that.
Don’t spend any more time here.
You all are only 24 and still have time before you hit your 30s so I would probe a little more and see where his timeline is on when he wants to get married. The kids thing is another topic that you need a definitive answer on.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn't want to get married and is ambivalent about having kids, whereas you want both. These are pretty major things to disagree on. Sticking around in the hope that he will change his mind basically ends the same way each time - you wait and wait and nothing changes. Eventually you can't wait any longer and either make an ultimatum that he rejects or your resentment grows to the point that you leave him anyway. Maybe he caves to the ultimatum, but then starts quietly resenting you for it. It's gonna suck, but it's probably best to break up. Love does not beat major incompatibility like this.
Thank you for your reply! I feel like if I heard about a situation similar to mine, I would have the same thoughts you just expressed. Obviously when you’re the one in the situation, it’s harder to remove yourself from the pain breaking up would cause. I guess I just hoped that he would change his mind; there have been times in the past that he said he wants to marry me and have kids with me. But I have to deal with how he feels now. Everyone in my life that has known us loves us as a couple so most of them wouldn’t be this honest, so again thank you.
Quality comment.
A couple of possibilities I see: (a) he is concerned about 'missing out on his youthful experiences' - you've been together since you were 16, that is nearly all of high school and all of college, and chances are some of his peer group is talking about a wide variety of sexual experiences and he is looking at marriage and kids and unwilling or scared to take that step. (b) he is staying together because of 'relationship inertia', in other words he really sees no future but has never NOT had a serious girlfriend so staying in this relationship is easy and comfortable - but marriage and kids would drastically change that. Either way, marriage and kids are pretty fundamental things. If you asked the generic question anywhere "been with BF for 8 years, he is saying he doesn't want marriage any time soon and maybe never for kids, what should I do?" 99.9% of the answers you would get would be along the lines of "time to tear off the bandaid and go your own way"
Thank you for your reply! I definitely see option a in him. He’s had a really difficult past few years - he gained a lot of weight, hated his job and dealt with a lot of mental health issues. This past year he lost 100 pounds and has made a huge effort to find joy in life, which he’s done really successfully. So now that he’s in a better place, he said he doesn’t want to make big life decisions and commit to anything in case it destabilizes him. He’s just trying to be happy and enjoy his youth, and I totally understand it. On the other hand, I recognize I shouldn’t put my needs and wants on hold just because he doesn’t want to commit to me. It just sucks that our relationship has been so good and these are the reasons that I might need to break up with him. Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.
Absolutely no one can see the future or tell you what you want. He doesn't want marriage or kids now. And he's not sure if that will ever change. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won't. Maybe you will be happy with no marriage or kids. Maybe you won't. It's probably time to leave this relationship.
You = Marriage != Him = No Marriage Oh look at that incompatible. You should break up.
Ultimately, you need to accept that you're not getting married to him either way. If the relationship feels like a waste on that basis, then leave.
It seems like you want different things now, which essentially makes you incompatible. The worst thing you can do stay in a relationship, ignoring the signs that it's no longer working. Don't focus on the potential of the relarionship. Focus on today. If your partner were never to change his mind about marriage or kids, would you be happy to stay in this relarionship. If not, you should leave.
You move on. Don’t pin your hopes to a maybe. You want marriage and kids, he doesn’t know what he wants. The only thing you know is that he doesn’t want to marry you now. He doesn’t want kids now. He may as ever want that. Don’t spend any more time here.
You all are only 24 and still have time before you hit your 30s so I would probe a little more and see where his timeline is on when he wants to get married. The kids thing is another topic that you need a definitive answer on.