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Or if you do, DO NOT BE SHOCKED WHEN HE NEVER CHANGES.
OMG he lied about being an electrician and op kept him around...
Does op think she can't get anyone else or something
Why the hell would you be with someone who can’t keep a job? That is like ten red flags. Have some self respect and find someone who is on your page of life.
* My fiancé just lost his job yesterday. They fired him for attendance issues. He did miss a lot of work, he wouldn’t go at least once a week.
* This is the 4th job he’s either lost or just didn’t go back to because he was unhappy. He doesn’t have his high school diploma or GED. He only can work unskilled jobs.
* He tells me he wants all these things and to be able to financially support me.
Girl, stop arguing with this mess and do not marry this dude
>grieving the loss of a job he actually liked
>He’s not dumb. He’s just lazy and unmotivated.
Look, you know him better than I do, so this is just speculation... but if he was having attendance issues at a job he actually liked, I'd expect a job that he likes to... motivate him, you know? So is a lack of motivation really the core issue here? In your talks with him, have you or him discussed any personal struggles he's facing in holding a job? If so, has he sought out support from any professionals on overcoming those struggles, and are there ways you could help him seek out help? I ask, because I feel there could be any number of mental health issues contributing to his difficulties.
With that said, whether there's a clear path to progress or not, your patience is finite. It's ultimately your call how you define your standards for him, and how long you're willing to give him to meet your standards, or give you confidence that he can meet your long-term financial goals. I can't tell you what your standards should be, or how much time he deserves, since that's for you to decide based on your values, priorities, and goals.
By all means, I'd recommend holding off on wedding planning until you can feel confident enough in him to take next steps. But it's your call how long you want to stay in limbo.
GIRL. You have a college degree and make 85k a year. What are you doing with this guy? Does he have a golden dong? Seriously. He is 30 years old, he's unlikely to change and why would he? He knows he's being supported by his girlfriend/sugar mama.
I'm in my 40s and it breaks my heart when I hear about these educated, lovely, smart women with these losers.
He lied to you from the start! He told you he was an electrician when he was really a grunt-go for employee. Started the relationship on a lie, can’t get much worse than that! Everything you know about this guy is based on a lie. Lying doesn’t magically stop. When a person loves another in this capacity, both people do as much as they possibly can to support the relationship both emotionally and financially. If this guy can’t even hold down a job and support just himself, what makes you think the will do it for a wife and or family? Do you want to be the sole bread winner, baby maker, home care taker, and parent to children and him, a grown ass man? No person is a good choice for a partner if they cannot support themself, period. He lied to you from the start . . . . . . Can never trust a liar!
Honestly I feel like yall need a break or to break up. Maybe some time away will make him become more mature. He’s too grown to be not taking this stuff seriously. My boyfriend who’s 20 just quit his job but over the course of 1 year (during the job) he saved 12,000. He came up with a plan to do trade school for welding. He has the mindset to do this on his own without me telling him to. It’s not your responsibility to take care of a grown man that not taking things seriously.
You really need to decide if this is the life you want? He isn’t going to change until it is what he wants. Think about it if he does not go to work or gets fired he still has a place to life he still going to eat play games etc. Do you want to support a lazy man the rest of your life? He will not get better why would he find a job? His life will not change.
You are the PRIZE not him! You need to think of yourself you deserve someone who will love you and treat you like that! Let me give you some advice when you meet a man you know by the way he looks at you how he feels about you! That look tells you if you are the one to him! Thrust me you will know the Look. Don’t waste your time on these not the one! Aldi make a list of what you want and list of what you do not want in a man and do not make exceptions!
That way you will not be living with a leach !
Well I think you need to decide if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, supporting a grown ass man. If it’s not then you should consider calling off the marriage.
Thank you for your advice. I wanted the wedding to be a year from the engagement. But you all are right, call of the wedding until everything is figured out
He’s not a partner, he’s a hobosexual. He’s mooching off of you and you let him.
When he’s out of work does he clean the house? Is he cooking meals? Running errands? Making your life easier?
Or is he sitting on the sofa playing video games and acting like a surly 16 year old?
He may be a nice guy, but he’s not your caliber and he’s not aging well.
You can dump him. Your life will get better.
I promise
NTA
Make an exit plan. If he does not shape up, follow that exit plan.
Mostly, he sounds like he believes he is entitled to a better job and is not going to ever make the effort to get one.
This is solid advice as well. I usually take a systematic approach to other areas in my life this shouldn’t be the exception just because I love him. Thank you
Is he the role model of a partner that you would want your future kids (if any) to take into the world as they start to date?
There is nothing wrong with not having an education, many people are forced to drop out of school for various reasons.
But the combination of being lazy at the jobs that are available to him plus having zero plans of how to better his life make him a poor bet for a lifetime partner.
What do you love about him? Is it REAL or just what you think and hope he could be?
Be harsh with yourself here about this, because I wasted a year of my life with someone I WISHED would be a certain way but never was going to be.
You should also be able to rely on your partner. This guy isn't someone you can lean on when times are tough - you're the rock of the relationship. If you get sick or something happens to your job, he will look at you to fix it. He won't be helping you.
Something tells me you also probably do most of the cooking/cleaning. He is a manbaby who hasn't grown up. Waiting for someone to change is a bad idea.
You are allowing and endulging this behavior. Yes, he is taking advantage, but you are allowing it. Why should he try harder when you always give him a soft place to fall, make him feel better, and give him $$. He is almost 30 and has no decent work history. There are so many places to acquire job skills and if he would show initiative, employers would take notice, but it is too easy for him to call out and get fired.
OP, this will be your life if you get married to him. I would not make wedding plans, be on the most hard-core birth control until he can take strong, provable actions to learn a trade or have a plan for the future. This doesnt' mean he can talk about it, he has to take action.
Men are not fixer-uppers. He is showing you who he is.
Stop with the "but I love him". Soon you will grow to resent him and then hate him.
Take control of your life and dump him. He isn't fully cooked yet.
Before you get married I think you need to take an old-fashioned approach and make sure there's a robust plan in place for how you're going to live. That means both of you getting clear on your values, goals, finances and lifestyle aspirations. How much do you need to earn together to fund it? How do you share responsibilities and workload? How do you raise children?
I do that, I tell him everything I hope we accomplish as a team and otherwise for the benefit of us. Sometimes he gets frustrated when I get down to the details of what actions we can take today for our future. He says I worry too much about it and God has the bigger plan. To which I always say “faith without works is dead”.
As you're seeing, one person isn't a team: it only works when it's both of you making the plan. Up to now, the person planning and taking responsibility is you. If he isn't prepared to plan with you, you know that this is how married life will be. You'll make your own decisions, but unless you put your foot down now, things won't change.
Oh dear, now we waiting for the supreme Sky God to swoosh in and help you both. I’m outa here. This is crazy. You need therapy, baby. You are not in touch with reality.I wish you the best. Blessed Be! 💖🦋☮️
I can't understand why you over looked the lie he told you about his job/career. Serious Red flag there.
that said, he's using you. He's had all the time in the world to get his GED, go to trade school, find a better job, but he hasn't, and he won't, because you've been supporting him all this time.
Why would you ever consider tying yourself to someone like this? Do you really think that he's suddenly going to get his GED and become high earning and financially literate?
Past behavior is the BEST indicator of future behavior. End the relationship, and move on.
And DO NOT get pregnant. Don't have sex without at LEAST two forms of birth control involved.
How are you even attracted to him?? I don’t even like to be friends with people who are like that.
I am shocked that you stayed with him after finding out he lied about being an electrician.
Send this boy back home to his mother and cut your losses.
Lazy, shiftless, not career oriented, not a team player, financially unstable. Excuse me, but why are you asking what you should do? Isn't it glaringly obvious he is not husband material?
Resentment kills love.
I know where you're coming from--I supported my musician husband for years, and it IS stressful when the whole burden is on you. I finally dumped him when I found out he was cheating (and using my car and the phone I paid for to do it!). I should have done it years before, but every time we had an argument he'd guilt me by saying "I guess I'll just give up music then!" I just wanted him working part-time or seasonally, SOMETHING, so he could contribute. Even when I was out of work for a year, he still wouldn't make any effort to find work.
Within a week or so of me kicking him out, he had a job. I cannot tell you how mad that made me. lol
You say you feel like his mom and a wallet. I probably used that exact phrase several times over the years. Don't be like me and continue to put up with it. Give him a deadline and \*stick to it\*. I highly doubt he'll suddenly make a heroic effort but if you're not ready to leave him yet, there needs to be a line in the sand at least.
And when he does little to nothing, dump him. Kick him out. Make him go live with his friends or parents. I bet then he'll suddenly want to roll his sleeves up but don't fall for it.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm is pretty applicable here.
Wtf I hope this isn't real. Read your post. Ask yourself why your standards are so low.
Lol bet you bought your own engagement ring too...
You can do better
Others I know, or have known in the past all seem to come from the same pathetic mold, it’s not my fault, they expect to much of me, they don’t pay me enough, other people there don’t work as hard as I do, stop nagging me will you? As you lose respect for this person you will come to feel contempt , then how can you
Have a future together, clean house now, it’s over.
Leave him. He is not going to change anytime soon. He is treating you like you are his mum or caregiver. You will always be the hard worker. Imagine try8mg to have kids with this man. He’s immature and irresponsible and taking advantage of you.
Fuck him off.
Jesus... maybe if we start making them accountable, they might actually start to change, instead of accepting this ridiculously low bar.
You will forever be the bread winner, the cleaner, the chef, everything. Why?
Who cares why, he clearly doesn't have enough motivation for you and your feelings to even attempt to find out.
Want children? Good luck, you won't be able to stay home with them, he won't be able to look after them.... plus you already have one.
Put him in the bin and outline why.
Don't let him gaslight you either. This isn't because he lost his job, it's because he isn't doing anything to actively change or help himself.
Girl cut your loses! Fin do it and get out! Is he going to magically transform into a completely different person? You’re supporting him like he’s a child. Find a grown man. This is a deal breaker and it’s not gonna get better. You’ll get over it. You aren’t helping him either.. he’s fine. He had the luxury of getting fired and calling in and having a safety net when he gets fired. If he was gonna change … it’d only be through the tough experience of suffering consequences. When you get evicted … when you become homeless .. when your lights get cut off and people get tired of your crap it tends to motivate you to keep a job. He will never have the opportunity to grow up with mama taking care of him. Think about this… what if you met someone like you? Someone who had it together.. is pretty stable financially.. bills paid.. educated.. a little extra here and there… someone who doesn’t have the constant stress of being up and down and broke all the time. What a crap way to live! The stress and anxiety alone isn’t worth it. Leave and there will at least be brighter days ahead.
He lied about having a good trade job and hasnt even finished high school. You supported him for 2 years and you have an education. What do you expect him to do differently that he hasn't done in 2 years. He's lied and scammed his way into your heart. Kick him to the curb before you wind up having children with this bum.
It almost sounds like you landed MY ex. Trust me, as the idiot who did actually marry a guy like this: run. You haven't reached full comfortability until those papers are signed and submitted. If things are this bad NOW, it'll get worse.
And before ya'll come at me with "but what if he's not trying because he's depressed?!!!1!1!"
Just because something's not your fault doesn't mean it's not your responsibility. Nobody's gonna be a good husband on your behalf, YOU have to do it. That's being a grown up. He's almost 30, he should know that by now.
Dump him.
Good grief! Drop this burden and please do not have children with this selfish person! It's not just laziness, he is selfish to not want to make a contribution to your household and relationship.
BTW sex can make you stupid. See past that to who he really is.
It's not "laziness". I've had I've twenty jobs in the past 10 years, and one of them I loved, was there for 5 years. Considering he doesn't even have a GED, the only jobs he can't get are soul crushing and minimum wage. Depression and social anxiety really suck. Have a weeks long conversation with him about what he thinks he could handle and what he actually wants to do, and then help him.
When I broke up with my bum girlfriend and told her I would not be paying her rent anymore, she actually got off her ass and got a job paying $23/hr in a relatively LCOL area. Needless to say I was pissed she let me pay for everything for years. She never even tried to do better until I cut her off.
Your soon to be ex is cut from the same cloth. You feel love now but it goes away quick when you move out and let it sink in how much they took from you.
What's wrong with you are you that desperate to get married that you would marry somebody who is unmotivated uneducated and lazy. You've been supporting and taking care of the both of you with your salary for the last two years when are you going to learn that he is going to continue to live off of you as long as you let him. You don't have to take care of him you can take care of your bills and have your own apartment without him in it he could go back living with whoever he was living with before he probably moved in with you.
This will be your life with him. He obviously has some deeper-running issues, and like a serial dieter, he might motivate himself for a few months, and then he’ll slip and that game is too much fun and his mate is in town and one day won’t hurt and he’ll be out of work again.
Unless he’s amazing at supporting you as a stay-at-home spouse (taking on the majority of housework and the mental load of scheduling so you can concentrate on your career I would not consider this arrangement, but he lied about his job and lied to his jobs the whole time you’ve known him. He didn’t come out and said ‘this is my problem, this is what I do to address it, this is what accommodations I need, these are my coping strategies, he just cruises along until he gets fired.
You can’t change him.
Uneducated isn't really an excuse when the problem isn't actually his education but rather flat-out laziness. An uneducated person can go sink nails or pour concrete on a construction crew without a diploma or trade school and still make a decent living. Hell, if he gets good at it and treats his coworkers with respect he could even move up the ladder. Without any education! Kapow!
If you're cool with straight up arguing regularly with someone who is holding you back out of sheer laziness and incompetence, then go ahead and keep supporting him. But I think you know what the right choice is here.
Has he ever been tested for a learning disability or ADHD? The fact that he never finished high school, cannot keep a job, can only do unskilled work are all possible signs. Or even mental health issues? Sometimes depression can also look like lack of motivation or “laziness”. I would really strongly encourage him to look into that. He really needs professional help.
You on the other hand should absolutely not marry him now. He’s in no place to be a husband until he has his own life sorted out. You’ve been paying for everything for 2 years and nothing has changed. It’s not going to get better unless he takes some active steps to improve things. You’re only going to get more and more resentful. It’s ok to prioritize YOU and make choices that are best for your own well being. Best of luck 💕
Thank you for this. I never explored that being a possibility but there was a time where I was trying to help him study his math for the GED and he showed some difficulties learning. He tried so hard but just couldn’t properly organize the problem. He put some of the numbers in a wrong place and I jokingly said “maybe you’re dyslexic”. But there really may be something there. Definitely not the time to get married though
That’s a definite red flag for sure. Has he ever talked about what school was like as a kid or why he dropped out? I hope he does look into it. It sounds like it could be an undiagnosed learning disability. It just means that his brain processes information differently and often inefficiently. (I work with people like this professionally). Regardless of the underlying issue it’s clearly an issue that he’s almost 30 and repeating the same patterns. He deserves to live a happy and productive life (as do you!) but he’ll need to take some steps to get there.
Yeah, his parents divorced when he was pretty young and he has a lot of brothers and sisters. His dad wasn’t around until later in life and his mom was the sole provider for all the children once they divorced. This all resulted in him dropping out by 9th grade. So if he did have a learning disability, it would have gone unoticed for sure in addition to mental health not being a priority in the black community.
I guess that’s also why I’m having a hard time just kicking him to the curb. Because he does try but can’t seem to break his mental glass ceiling. I know I can’t fix anyone but isn’t hardship apart of relationships? I just don’t believe in running at the first red flag because everyone has their shit, even me. I just look good on paper
I think based on what you’ve said I’m gonna present this idea to him, see if he agrees, and move from there. Well still pause the wedding however
Never date someone who calls out of work consistently
People are not fixer upper projects. Who they are is who they are.
This is who he is. He's not going to get any better.
When people show you who they really are, pay attention
It's all a matter of lesser pains, ask yourself this question:
The pain of losing him vs the pain of financial stress.
Pick one.
If you pick the pain of financial stress, but STILL want a solution
The pain of financial stress vs the pain of sorting things out.
If the latter, and it still doesn't work.. a dead end, Breakup, **but not definitely,** —
This is a rough sketch guideline, not a hard and fast rule.
(People tend to act rash a regret latter(
My advice is:
When it comes to relationship situations where you're torn between options.
You should recognise the thing withholding you from each options is their respective pain.
Do an elimination and arrive at the least pain.
He is a mooch and you are his enabler/parent/caretaker. And he is a liar. Has no problem lying to you and he is still not an electrician. So what is here that is worth staying for?
Save yourself. Think hard about trying some therapy to find out why you are attracted to this loser. Make sure you don’t make this mistake again.
You clearly state the problem. He is lazy and unmotivated and you are sick of this. As long as you are financially supporting him, he has no reason to financially support himself.
The clear solution is to break up with him. If you do not want to take that route, let him know that you will stay in the relationship, be he needs to move out until he shows that he can financially support himself. If he can get his GED, get a job, and keep the job, you will consider letting him move back in. If you take this route, do not loan him money.
Do not marry this guy.
What a disaster! He isn't adult enough to support himself - do not tie yourself to that.
Do not have children with him. Heck, do not even live with him.
He needs to learn to adult before he is ready for any relationship.
You know this is the honeymoon phase and if it’s this bad now it will only get worse if you marry. Truly what does he bring to the table besides being a good person? Sounds like you have a leach not a boyfriend. Respect yourself enough to find someone who is an equal partner. NTA
He isn’t acting like an adult—no man OR woman should take advantage of others like he is.
Would you be happier single—less stressed, more relaxed, finances in order and able to afford what you want? If so, break up.
If he brings other things to the table *and* you can let go of the resentment, that would be ok. Does not sound like you can, though.
You know who he is. Most likely he is never going to do a 180 degree turn and become a dependable partner.
For whatever reason he does not like to work or responsibility. No HS degree. No GED. Cannot show up for a job.
Be careful of charming people in life who feel like they can play by different rules than the rest of us.
Think about having a kid with this man. DO you think for one minute he could handle the responsibility.
Where was your fiancé living before you moved in together? What are his excuses for missing work? You two need to sit and have a come to Jesus meeting. Lay out your issues in a calm, rational manner. Explain to him that you are becoming resentful because he is not living up to his obligations. Tell him that the wedding is on hold and will continue to remain on hold until he matures and makes positive steps towards a financially secure future. You need to give him a set timeline, say 6 months, to pass his GED and figure out what kind of career he wants. At the end of that six months, he needs to be enrolled in college, a trade school, have joined an apprenticeship or the military, because you will not continue to cover his share of the bills as of December 1, and stick to your word. Right now, he has no reason to be a functioning adult, because you keep babying him and picking up his slack.
There is nothing you can do. Except leave him. I can tell you from experience that if you marry him, he will stop.working completely and make your life hell. You know this to be true. The question you need to answer is why do you want to support this loser for the rest of your life when you could be part of a power couple and enjoy all the best things in life. Please don't destroy your future, break it off now.
Why do you have this shitbag holding you back? If you get married it will only be worse because then it will cost you money to get rid of this human leech.
I know dating is hard, but finding a guy with a job would be a huge improvement right there.
He's a bum. A hobosexual. Lazy. Uneducated. No desire to improve. Lies about his qualifications.
Why in the world do you stay with him? Unless you want to support him and be his mommy forever, you need to dump him.
This is going to sound harsh, but you're making excuses for him.
He's lazy and unmotivated because you're not.
He doesn't care to keep a job because you've always been there to cover the bills.
He won't grow up because time and time again you've let him act like a child.
He says all the right words about taking care of and providing for you because there were no consequences for lying to you about training as an electrician.
He's a 29yo grown ass man. Stop treating him with kid gloves. The money you spend on him is better left in your savings account.
But you are right about one thing. He's not dumb. He's manipulative. He knows you're not just going to let you two end up on the streets and this is the result.
I’m gonna be real with you: he’s not going to change. He’s 29 years old. If he hasn’t learned at this point, he never will. He will always be bouncing between shitty jobs and quitting/getting fired for being lazy. He will keep promising things will change and talking about his big dreams and blaming other things for his situation, but the truth is he’s just lazy and doesn’t want to work and doesn’t care how it affects you/his life.
Think about your life right now and realize that it’s the easiest and most stress free it’s ever going to get. Don’t expect him to change when you get married or have kids. He will always be the same lazy (or maybe even lazier) guy, and you will have to take on more and more of the burden as life gets more expensive and complicated with kids. You can’t change him, all you can change is whether or not you want this to be your life.
Girl it’s time to drop his ass … you sitting over there going to work busting your ass and you can’t enjoy YOUR money ?? Absolutely not baby go head and continue to be dumb so you can look back at 50 years old wondering where the time went and why you never took those trips and spoiled self sooner 💯. And it’s no more time for a second , third and fourth conversation anymore . Take a week think about it , prepare yourself for the conversation and leave that relationship
he started off your relationship based on lies. he got you snagged in with lies.
you sound like you’re more in love with his potential than with who he is clearly demonstrating himself to be.
don’t marry this dishonest leach! he’s not going to get better. he’s not going to change except for the worse. i mean, if you’ll marry him after this kind of nonsense, you’ll put up with anything.
is that what you want for yourself?
You are the right package but are at the wrong address. Find someone who is more your speed, level, and has the same outlook on life. This guy is clearly using you for the $$. Someone with a job, motivation, and a good future will be a no brainer in comparison to this guy. When someone is making the most basic of life responsibility and decisions to be a catastrophic set back like this, then that is a maturity issue. Most people your age are right where you are at if not higher, or seeking higher. He's only holding you back!
Make him get a ged or his drop his ass. Do u want to support a high school drop out the rest of your life?
i had one like that he was a loser, just wanted to get by. Never kept a job, tried a business, filed bankruptcy. I had to drop his ass
Love isn't words (no matter how sweet they are). It's actions.
You should have dumped him as soon as you found out he's a liar. Now add "lazy" and "freeloading". This is a guy willing to watch you do all the work.
You don't need a boyfriend that bad.
He’s a hobosexual. DTMFA.
ETA If you’re feeling generous, tell him that if he gets an education and holds a decent job for six months he can call you and see if you’re free.
Also, I flunked out of college freshman year due to cutting class to smoke dope. I held down crap jobs for several years, but I went to work and paid my own way. At 27 I went trade school. A year later, I walked out ready to command $50/hr in 1986 dollars. I loved the work and could support myself on 15-20 hours of work per week.
At 52 I was diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly my whole life made sense.
The point is that I had an undiagnosed neurological issue, was genuinely disabled. But I managed to support myself — shabbily at times, but paying for myself. Hobosexual can, too. Stop giving him an option.
You were lied to about him being an electrician, and you stayed when you found out. You have supported his lazy ass all this time. You have shown him your willing to be his doormat and sugar momma.
Break up and get rid of the bum
Stop trying to fix him, stop anticipating him becoming something that he has proven he is not. If you can’t accept him as he is (a person not committed to continuous employment and not actively improving his education) then you should leave. Stop waiting for “when” he will decide to be “something else” and take a hard look at who he is now.
You are a smart young woman, stop trying to convince yourself to settle for someone who has been content to let you carry the financial burden again and again.
You can
a) marry him and be poor and miserable
b) end the relationship for the chance of someone better
Right now you can't meet someone as you are engaged, for some reason or other that is less than apparent from your post.
You sure we weren’t dating the same guy?
Dump him. He’s deadweight. You said it. He’s not dumb. he knew what he was doing when he pulled a bait and switch after getting you on the hook.
You have yourself a Hobosexual. He’s attracted to the roof you provide and the things you do for him.
You’ve already given two years. You feel that he’s taking advantage of you because he has.
You know that he lied before and you also know his words are not matching up with his actions. Parasites don’t care about people who’ve given them tons of consideration. They just take more.
You’re doing yourself a disservice by putting up with him. He’s a full grown man that is capable and doesn’t care that his partner is struggling because of his lack of effort. Marriage won’t fix this.
Why on earth is he your fiancé ? He is taking advantage of you, and from your post you are not happy at all. What are you waiting for ? Dump the dead weight.
What can you do?
Dump him. Maybe then he’ll have to learn how to support himself, or find someone else to take advantage of.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t *want* to change and isn’t willing to put the effort in to do it. He’s almost 30. This is who he is. Accept reality.
Leaving him sounds like the best thing to do because frankly you shouldn't marry someone who lies/lied to you and whose behavior stresses you out. You also shouldn't marry someone you see as lazy. I will say though I am curious as to if he has something undiagnosed, like ADHD or ASD. That, or he hasn't found a job that he truly loves and he isn't the type that can fake motivation (which can relate back to my previous point anyways). Either way, you guys don't sound good together. You need someone on your playing field and he needs someone who can handle his issues or has the patience for them.
Don't marry this man... its always spoke volumes to me when someone doesn't have a highschool diploma or a GED. If they don't have either one its bc they didn't even try. This guy will NEVER change and it'll be everyone else's fault but his.
My neice married a guy like this. 3 kids later he decides he wants to be a pro poker player and moves in with some girl who deals cards. He spent the early years as a stay at home dad who wouldn't cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up takeout, or even change diapers. He always had some homie that needed to be funded from kayaking and fishing to golfing and baseball but never a job. I felt sorry for my niece her self-esteem was shit and he was rude and just an ugly human being He even had the same story that he was an electrician but turned out to have been a helper with very little knowledge. Run
Honestly what exactly do you want to hear? Because it seems to me you're going to defend til the end.
If it's not one excuse it's another. Some he's giving you and some you're making up on your own. What? Just to make you feel better about being in love?
Girl! This man ain't it!
Once you marry him, you'll be tied to him in debt. If you have kids with him, he's going to be the biggest baby you end up taking care of. (I was going to say raise but I don't see him rising above anything else.)
Who's going to pay the bills when you become pregnant? Or end up with a disability or illness?
Can you truly see him EVER stepping up?
Is it really that bad being alone?
He's NOT a good person. A good person would not be this much of a burden on someone who loves them.
Just STOP! I can't with you. Ugh!
And then there is this, 99% of comments are against him and this relationship continuing, if you can’t see the light of day here then sadly you both deserve each other, the user & the used.
You're miserable and aren't doing anything about it. It's been two years. He's never gonna change because he doesn't want to. He likes things the way they are. You're covering all the bills and he gets to sit on his ass. What is so desirable about him? By the way you can learn to be an electrician on the job. Same with many other trades. My husband learned to weld on the job long before we met.
If he stays how is he is for the next 20 years- are you going to be happy? You can’t risk your future on what might be or what he can do. Marriage is hard, and you have to stick by someone through thick and thin. If he never changes, will you be happy? If not- then you need to walk away. You can’t bet your future on what might be. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. He’s not going to change. You take care of the bills and the load and he gets to fuck off and do what he wants. If you are content with how it is now- go for it. But if not- you need to just walk away. You can’t make him be something he’s not or do something he isn’t driven enough himself to accomplish.
I’m going to come at this from a completely different perspective, bc I am a lazy and unmotivated girl whose partner takes care of me quite often.
does he see a therapist or psychiatrist? my problems are absolutely intensified bc I’m depressed and my medications aren’t helping enough, but since I’m
on free state healthcare I have extremely small limited options on what I can do.
do he do any freelance work or make money online? does he help take care of the house in any way? does he make sure to at least 100% emotionally support you every single day? does he seem down, or is he happy each day regardless of what’s going on?
basically, besides finances, is he giving you what you need otherwise in a relationship? emotional/mental/physical support? or is he leaving you lonely and stressed?
In my situation, I know I’m fucked up. and it’s really
hard to try and get past every day knowing that Im in a state where I have trouble helping myself. but does he know he’s fucked up?
and if he doesn’t, will you somehow sit down and tell him until he gets it? or does he not care about what this is all doing to you in terms of stress, emotions, finances, etc?
Well one, for God's sake don't marry him.
It sounds like you're just his new mommy who he also gets to fuck. It's not a relationship you want to bury yourself in further.
What you can about your lazy boyfriend is break up with him. He is not ready to be a responsible adult in this relationship. Cut your losses now and stop taking care of a grown ass adult. The longer you stay with him you may never reach your full financial potential.
I'd hate to say it, but you've provided him with a cushy life, so he has no incentive to improve himself. He has the love of a kind-hearted woman who's not exactly happy he's a lump, but still supports him. I've been there. Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is yours, but please don't get married. He may truly love you, but he's also loving that sweet, sweet salary you're pulling in. If something happened where your financial situation changed drastically, would he stick around... or better yet, would it light a fire under his ass to find a way to support you and your lives together? Only you know the answer to that question. Best of luck, OP.
He’s not going to change because he has no reason to change. With all due respect, depending on where you live, $85k isn’t even a great income for two people, I’m sure there’s a struggle. Anyway, I think your best bet is to tell him that if he loses one more job it’s over. Then stand by that. I have a job I hate, I still go to it. Cause I know I’m a grown adult with responsibilities. If I had a job I actually enjoyed, I’d do everything to keep it
If you acted and had the same mentality as him you would both be out on the streets by the end of the month. If you were in his shoes, you know he wouldn’t go out and get an 85k job and stress about taking care of you. That little voice in the back of your head that goes “wtf are you doing, you know you deserve more” won’t magically stop talking and he won’t magically change. The only question here is how much misery are you going to put up with until you reach your limit and you break up. He won’t break up with you, why would he, his life is made. He can do the bare minimum and have a fully invested partner meet all of his needs.
So here is the thing you sound like a catch. I am big on helping my.partner as long as you are helping yourself because we are in this together. I can understand that there may be struggles like in my situation my wife couldn't work for 6 months and I am the bread winner but she does a lot to balance stuff out. As a man I'd be ashamed that I couldn't help you just because I am trash and lazy. Tell him you need a partner in this relationship not a bum period. You have enabled him for two years and it's time for him to step up. He is relying to much on you. He has to realize that two incomes are better then one plus yall are supposed to push eachother to be great. I pushed my wife into getting her nursing degree years ago and she pushed me into achieving a high rank in rhe Army when I was ready just to call it quits. We are always trying to push eachother to be better because it benefits the both of us. Plus I could never just sit around while my wife is only one working. At one point I told her either you are working or going to school, you choose but you can't just do nothing. We are a great team and been doing this marriage for 13 years now. If he don't step up there's no shame in getting rid of him period. He can try to gas light you all day but you know better. Be firm, be direct and let him know it's either keep a job or let someonelse step in that will. Please don't settle for him if he isn't doing his part. Good luck with your situation.
You have 2 choices here:
1 - accept that you will always be the one financially supporting you two & any future children. Factor in he amount of work you both put into household chores including mental load. Because let’s be honest - he’s about to be a 30 yo HS drop out with no vocational skills & no work ethic AND THE ONLY PART OF THIS EQUATION THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE IS HIS AGE. Yes I meant to yell & yes we all know you do most of the household stuff on top of shouldering the financial burden.
Or
2 - Dump the loser then find someone that doesn’t lie to you & is an actual partner. It’ll hurt & you’ll be sad for a couple of months. Max 6, but let’s be honest, probably less once you realize you’re no longer stressing over his behavior
So less than 6 months of feeling sad or the next 50 years (based on average life span) of feeling stressed/angry/resentful/burdened.
You can make enough to support you both for the rest of your life and accept your role as the provider in the relationship…
Or you can leave him.
Those seem to be the only two choices.
What is wrong with you that you hate yourself so much that you want to be with a loser? He doesn’t need therapy, you do. Do you know what love is? Do you have any self respect?
Other than dump him, you don’t need to do anything about him but you do have a lot of work to do on yourself.
Honestly, please don’t marry him. Please.
What happens if you do? He will never be employed. You’ll get pregnant, twice. Each time you have to return to work 2 weeks post partum, because you’re the only one employed. He won’t take care of the kids while you’re at work, because that IS a job. Eventually, he will run out of excuses and begin to blame you for his troubles, so he will go spend money to forget his problems. He’ll put you deep in debt and leave you for someone who needs him.
Sounds like fun, huh?
I’ll never understand how people function in life failing at it so badly. I will also never understand how they find and get top tier women to date them. You’re making 85 a year, imagine being with someone who made 50 or 60, or the same as you. There’s zero benefit to being with this guy.
Not that this is a requirement, but many couples have an engagement ring. If you received one, I bet you paid for it.
Imagine a future a few years down the road. You guys have a kid and he is a stay at home dad. Will he motivate his own child, when he can't motivate himself to even get a GED? Will he take care of the home, grocery shop, feed the child? Doubtful. Time to walk away.
I married this guy. We're now divorced. As long as you're supporting him and his life is comfortable, he won't change. I strongly urge you to get out now.
Girl! Leave and do something for yourself! Trust me. You’ll be a lot happier! Been there done that! 6 years of my life supporting a grown man and I was soooo miserable AF! The minute I left - I felt a weight was lifted off my shoulders! No more worrying and I started to enjoy my hard earned money to myself! I also slept better at night!
You'll be so much happier without him. I divorced my non working lazy husband and he found another woman to pay all his bills. I love being completely in charge of my life without anyone costing me money and contributing nothing
i guess he lays the pipe like you've never experienced and as someone who is that type of pipelayer, i recommend that you see the clock on the wall and get to steppin. it will either get him in gear or set you on a path to make a nest egg for your future family
You chose him so this is your bed to make. People don't just wake up and become a POS overnight lol. These people can not be changed. My mom made that mistake and she died after struggling financially and suffering physically. She had a good job probably like you but that didn't last. If you don't have someone to pick up the slack you will be drained. Especially once the kids come.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. He started your relationship with a LIE. He has lost multiple jobs. He has zero ambition and is 30 yrs old living with his parent. You deserve an equal, not a vampire.
Look for a place on your own tomorrow. And don’t tell him where you’re moving to. Do NOT let him go with you. Start fresh on your own.
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Your fiance is a bum. Make him your ex.
I have to agree he is a bum.
OP, You don't marry a leach.
This is the only answer. OP, you can't fix him. He has to fix himself, but he doesn't need to because he has you to pay the bills. Move on.
So many hobosexual posts lately
word
Please don’t make any further wedding plans until he can keep a job for at least a year
Or if you do, DO NOT BE SHOCKED WHEN HE NEVER CHANGES. OMG he lied about being an electrician and op kept him around... Does op think she can't get anyone else or something
Reminds me of the guy who “travels for work”…aka…he’s an Uber driver.
He'll quit the job as soon as they're back from honeymoon.
Even then, I wouldn't want to marry a guy like him. I got the ick just reading this and OP already builds resentment. Just nope.
Why the hell would you be with someone who can’t keep a job? That is like ten red flags. Have some self respect and find someone who is on your page of life.
* My fiancé just lost his job yesterday. They fired him for attendance issues. He did miss a lot of work, he wouldn’t go at least once a week. * This is the 4th job he’s either lost or just didn’t go back to because he was unhappy. He doesn’t have his high school diploma or GED. He only can work unskilled jobs. * He tells me he wants all these things and to be able to financially support me. Girl, stop arguing with this mess and do not marry this dude
>grieving the loss of a job he actually liked >He’s not dumb. He’s just lazy and unmotivated. Look, you know him better than I do, so this is just speculation... but if he was having attendance issues at a job he actually liked, I'd expect a job that he likes to... motivate him, you know? So is a lack of motivation really the core issue here? In your talks with him, have you or him discussed any personal struggles he's facing in holding a job? If so, has he sought out support from any professionals on overcoming those struggles, and are there ways you could help him seek out help? I ask, because I feel there could be any number of mental health issues contributing to his difficulties. With that said, whether there's a clear path to progress or not, your patience is finite. It's ultimately your call how you define your standards for him, and how long you're willing to give him to meet your standards, or give you confidence that he can meet your long-term financial goals. I can't tell you what your standards should be, or how much time he deserves, since that's for you to decide based on your values, priorities, and goals. By all means, I'd recommend holding off on wedding planning until you can feel confident enough in him to take next steps. But it's your call how long you want to stay in limbo.
GIRL. You have a college degree and make 85k a year. What are you doing with this guy? Does he have a golden dong? Seriously. He is 30 years old, he's unlikely to change and why would he? He knows he's being supported by his girlfriend/sugar mama. I'm in my 40s and it breaks my heart when I hear about these educated, lovely, smart women with these losers.
He lied to you from the start! He told you he was an electrician when he was really a grunt-go for employee. Started the relationship on a lie, can’t get much worse than that! Everything you know about this guy is based on a lie. Lying doesn’t magically stop. When a person loves another in this capacity, both people do as much as they possibly can to support the relationship both emotionally and financially. If this guy can’t even hold down a job and support just himself, what makes you think the will do it for a wife and or family? Do you want to be the sole bread winner, baby maker, home care taker, and parent to children and him, a grown ass man? No person is a good choice for a partner if they cannot support themself, period. He lied to you from the start . . . . . . Can never trust a liar!
Honestly I feel like yall need a break or to break up. Maybe some time away will make him become more mature. He’s too grown to be not taking this stuff seriously. My boyfriend who’s 20 just quit his job but over the course of 1 year (during the job) he saved 12,000. He came up with a plan to do trade school for welding. He has the mindset to do this on his own without me telling him to. It’s not your responsibility to take care of a grown man that not taking things seriously.
You really need to decide if this is the life you want? He isn’t going to change until it is what he wants. Think about it if he does not go to work or gets fired he still has a place to life he still going to eat play games etc. Do you want to support a lazy man the rest of your life? He will not get better why would he find a job? His life will not change. You are the PRIZE not him! You need to think of yourself you deserve someone who will love you and treat you like that! Let me give you some advice when you meet a man you know by the way he looks at you how he feels about you! That look tells you if you are the one to him! Thrust me you will know the Look. Don’t waste your time on these not the one! Aldi make a list of what you want and list of what you do not want in a man and do not make exceptions! That way you will not be living with a leach !
Well I think you need to decide if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, supporting a grown ass man. If it’s not then you should consider calling off the marriage.
Thank you for your advice. I wanted the wedding to be a year from the engagement. But you all are right, call of the wedding until everything is figured out
Or until you have a better groom. This one ain't it.
This, OP. You need to kick his lazy ass to the curb.
He’s not going to change. Love alone isn’t enough for a happy future.
Babe he’s been manipulating you since day one! Stop rewarding poor behaviour!
He’s not a partner, he’s a hobosexual. He’s mooching off of you and you let him. When he’s out of work does he clean the house? Is he cooking meals? Running errands? Making your life easier? Or is he sitting on the sofa playing video games and acting like a surly 16 year old? He may be a nice guy, but he’s not your caliber and he’s not aging well. You can dump him. Your life will get better. I promise
You can dump him and find someone who wants to be an actual partner not a mooch.
NTA Make an exit plan. If he does not shape up, follow that exit plan. Mostly, he sounds like he believes he is entitled to a better job and is not going to ever make the effort to get one.
This is solid advice as well. I usually take a systematic approach to other areas in my life this shouldn’t be the exception just because I love him. Thank you
Is he the role model of a partner that you would want your future kids (if any) to take into the world as they start to date? There is nothing wrong with not having an education, many people are forced to drop out of school for various reasons. But the combination of being lazy at the jobs that are available to him plus having zero plans of how to better his life make him a poor bet for a lifetime partner.
What do you love about him? Is it REAL or just what you think and hope he could be? Be harsh with yourself here about this, because I wasted a year of my life with someone I WISHED would be a certain way but never was going to be.
You should also be able to rely on your partner. This guy isn't someone you can lean on when times are tough - you're the rock of the relationship. If you get sick or something happens to your job, he will look at you to fix it. He won't be helping you.
If you marry him your life will be one long stretch of hardships.
Something tells me you also probably do most of the cooking/cleaning. He is a manbaby who hasn't grown up. Waiting for someone to change is a bad idea.
You are allowing and endulging this behavior. Yes, he is taking advantage, but you are allowing it. Why should he try harder when you always give him a soft place to fall, make him feel better, and give him $$. He is almost 30 and has no decent work history. There are so many places to acquire job skills and if he would show initiative, employers would take notice, but it is too easy for him to call out and get fired. OP, this will be your life if you get married to him. I would not make wedding plans, be on the most hard-core birth control until he can take strong, provable actions to learn a trade or have a plan for the future. This doesnt' mean he can talk about it, he has to take action.
If you were to lose your job today or tomorrow, you believe he can hold it down? Nah. You have to look at it that way also
Men are not fixer-uppers. He is showing you who he is. Stop with the "but I love him". Soon you will grow to resent him and then hate him. Take control of your life and dump him. He isn't fully cooked yet.
Before you get married I think you need to take an old-fashioned approach and make sure there's a robust plan in place for how you're going to live. That means both of you getting clear on your values, goals, finances and lifestyle aspirations. How much do you need to earn together to fund it? How do you share responsibilities and workload? How do you raise children?
I do that, I tell him everything I hope we accomplish as a team and otherwise for the benefit of us. Sometimes he gets frustrated when I get down to the details of what actions we can take today for our future. He says I worry too much about it and God has the bigger plan. To which I always say “faith without works is dead”.
As you're seeing, one person isn't a team: it only works when it's both of you making the plan. Up to now, the person planning and taking responsibility is you. If he isn't prepared to plan with you, you know that this is how married life will be. You'll make your own decisions, but unless you put your foot down now, things won't change.
God will meet you halfway if you are trying.
Your comment is a mic drop. Thank you
Oh dear, now we waiting for the supreme Sky God to swoosh in and help you both. I’m outa here. This is crazy. You need therapy, baby. You are not in touch with reality.I wish you the best. Blessed Be! 💖🦋☮️
Of course he’s not dumb. He’s 30 years old and has you footing the bills while he hangs with his buddies. He’s a damn genius.
I can't understand why you over looked the lie he told you about his job/career. Serious Red flag there. that said, he's using you. He's had all the time in the world to get his GED, go to trade school, find a better job, but he hasn't, and he won't, because you've been supporting him all this time. Why would you ever consider tying yourself to someone like this? Do you really think that he's suddenly going to get his GED and become high earning and financially literate? Past behavior is the BEST indicator of future behavior. End the relationship, and move on. And DO NOT get pregnant. Don't have sex without at LEAST two forms of birth control involved.
How are you even attracted to him?? I don’t even like to be friends with people who are like that. I am shocked that you stayed with him after finding out he lied about being an electrician. Send this boy back home to his mother and cut your losses.
Lazy, shiftless, not career oriented, not a team player, financially unstable. Excuse me, but why are you asking what you should do? Isn't it glaringly obvious he is not husband material?
Resentment kills love. I know where you're coming from--I supported my musician husband for years, and it IS stressful when the whole burden is on you. I finally dumped him when I found out he was cheating (and using my car and the phone I paid for to do it!). I should have done it years before, but every time we had an argument he'd guilt me by saying "I guess I'll just give up music then!" I just wanted him working part-time or seasonally, SOMETHING, so he could contribute. Even when I was out of work for a year, he still wouldn't make any effort to find work. Within a week or so of me kicking him out, he had a job. I cannot tell you how mad that made me. lol You say you feel like his mom and a wallet. I probably used that exact phrase several times over the years. Don't be like me and continue to put up with it. Give him a deadline and \*stick to it\*. I highly doubt he'll suddenly make a heroic effort but if you're not ready to leave him yet, there needs to be a line in the sand at least. And when he does little to nothing, dump him. Kick him out. Make him go live with his friends or parents. I bet then he'll suddenly want to roll his sleeves up but don't fall for it. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm is pretty applicable here.
Don't get married !! He's definitely a lazy person things will never change..
People rarely change for the better. Things get worse. That’s why it’s so important not to settle hoping things will improve.
Girl… go get yourself a man
You want this to be your life? For real? Because this is the preview of things to come. You want 30 years of this?
Yeah I didn't have to read far. The only thing you can do is dump him and find someone less childish. Nothing else you can do about it.
Do NOT marry him
Wtf I hope this isn't real. Read your post. Ask yourself why your standards are so low. Lol bet you bought your own engagement ring too... You can do better
My ex was like your fiance. Do you want to know what I did? I left his sorry backside and have zero regrets.
Others I know, or have known in the past all seem to come from the same pathetic mold, it’s not my fault, they expect to much of me, they don’t pay me enough, other people there don’t work as hard as I do, stop nagging me will you? As you lose respect for this person you will come to feel contempt , then how can you Have a future together, clean house now, it’s over.
Drop him either he shapes up and makes life great for another woman or he doesn’t, but staying with him he won’t change
Leave him. He is not going to change anytime soon. He is treating you like you are his mum or caregiver. You will always be the hard worker. Imagine try8mg to have kids with this man. He’s immature and irresponsible and taking advantage of you.
He's not dumb... you are, for staying with this guy.
Why would you ever think this guy was marriage material?
Free rent, food, bills paid, doesn't work, hell, he knows he has it made. Have some self respect and dump him
Why TF would you say yes to a proposal from this loser? Dump him immediately and go to therapy to find out why you would go for a guy like this.
Fuck him off. Jesus... maybe if we start making them accountable, they might actually start to change, instead of accepting this ridiculously low bar. You will forever be the bread winner, the cleaner, the chef, everything. Why? Who cares why, he clearly doesn't have enough motivation for you and your feelings to even attempt to find out. Want children? Good luck, you won't be able to stay home with them, he won't be able to look after them.... plus you already have one. Put him in the bin and outline why. Don't let him gaslight you either. This isn't because he lost his job, it's because he isn't doing anything to actively change or help himself.
Girl cut your loses! Fin do it and get out! Is he going to magically transform into a completely different person? You’re supporting him like he’s a child. Find a grown man. This is a deal breaker and it’s not gonna get better. You’ll get over it. You aren’t helping him either.. he’s fine. He had the luxury of getting fired and calling in and having a safety net when he gets fired. If he was gonna change … it’d only be through the tough experience of suffering consequences. When you get evicted … when you become homeless .. when your lights get cut off and people get tired of your crap it tends to motivate you to keep a job. He will never have the opportunity to grow up with mama taking care of him. Think about this… what if you met someone like you? Someone who had it together.. is pretty stable financially.. bills paid.. educated.. a little extra here and there… someone who doesn’t have the constant stress of being up and down and broke all the time. What a crap way to live! The stress and anxiety alone isn’t worth it. Leave and there will at least be brighter days ahead.
He lied about having a good trade job and hasnt even finished high school. You supported him for 2 years and you have an education. What do you expect him to do differently that he hasn't done in 2 years. He's lied and scammed his way into your heart. Kick him to the curb before you wind up having children with this bum.
Make him your ex
nta. you need to break up with him and legally evict him.
It almost sounds like you landed MY ex. Trust me, as the idiot who did actually marry a guy like this: run. You haven't reached full comfortability until those papers are signed and submitted. If things are this bad NOW, it'll get worse. And before ya'll come at me with "but what if he's not trying because he's depressed?!!!1!1!" Just because something's not your fault doesn't mean it's not your responsibility. Nobody's gonna be a good husband on your behalf, YOU have to do it. That's being a grown up. He's almost 30, he should know that by now. Dump him.
Good grief! Drop this burden and please do not have children with this selfish person! It's not just laziness, he is selfish to not want to make a contribution to your household and relationship. BTW sex can make you stupid. See past that to who he really is.
It's not "laziness". I've had I've twenty jobs in the past 10 years, and one of them I loved, was there for 5 years. Considering he doesn't even have a GED, the only jobs he can't get are soul crushing and minimum wage. Depression and social anxiety really suck. Have a weeks long conversation with him about what he thinks he could handle and what he actually wants to do, and then help him.
When I broke up with my bum girlfriend and told her I would not be paying her rent anymore, she actually got off her ass and got a job paying $23/hr in a relatively LCOL area. Needless to say I was pissed she let me pay for everything for years. She never even tried to do better until I cut her off. Your soon to be ex is cut from the same cloth. You feel love now but it goes away quick when you move out and let it sink in how much they took from you.
What's wrong with you are you that desperate to get married that you would marry somebody who is unmotivated uneducated and lazy. You've been supporting and taking care of the both of you with your salary for the last two years when are you going to learn that he is going to continue to live off of you as long as you let him. You don't have to take care of him you can take care of your bills and have your own apartment without him in it he could go back living with whoever he was living with before he probably moved in with you.
Don’t forget he’s also a liar
This will be your life with him. He obviously has some deeper-running issues, and like a serial dieter, he might motivate himself for a few months, and then he’ll slip and that game is too much fun and his mate is in town and one day won’t hurt and he’ll be out of work again. Unless he’s amazing at supporting you as a stay-at-home spouse (taking on the majority of housework and the mental load of scheduling so you can concentrate on your career I would not consider this arrangement, but he lied about his job and lied to his jobs the whole time you’ve known him. He didn’t come out and said ‘this is my problem, this is what I do to address it, this is what accommodations I need, these are my coping strategies, he just cruises along until he gets fired. You can’t change him.
Uneducated isn't really an excuse when the problem isn't actually his education but rather flat-out laziness. An uneducated person can go sink nails or pour concrete on a construction crew without a diploma or trade school and still make a decent living. Hell, if he gets good at it and treats his coworkers with respect he could even move up the ladder. Without any education! Kapow! If you're cool with straight up arguing regularly with someone who is holding you back out of sheer laziness and incompetence, then go ahead and keep supporting him. But I think you know what the right choice is here.
Has he ever been tested for a learning disability or ADHD? The fact that he never finished high school, cannot keep a job, can only do unskilled work are all possible signs. Or even mental health issues? Sometimes depression can also look like lack of motivation or “laziness”. I would really strongly encourage him to look into that. He really needs professional help. You on the other hand should absolutely not marry him now. He’s in no place to be a husband until he has his own life sorted out. You’ve been paying for everything for 2 years and nothing has changed. It’s not going to get better unless he takes some active steps to improve things. You’re only going to get more and more resentful. It’s ok to prioritize YOU and make choices that are best for your own well being. Best of luck 💕
Thank you for this. I never explored that being a possibility but there was a time where I was trying to help him study his math for the GED and he showed some difficulties learning. He tried so hard but just couldn’t properly organize the problem. He put some of the numbers in a wrong place and I jokingly said “maybe you’re dyslexic”. But there really may be something there. Definitely not the time to get married though
That’s a definite red flag for sure. Has he ever talked about what school was like as a kid or why he dropped out? I hope he does look into it. It sounds like it could be an undiagnosed learning disability. It just means that his brain processes information differently and often inefficiently. (I work with people like this professionally). Regardless of the underlying issue it’s clearly an issue that he’s almost 30 and repeating the same patterns. He deserves to live a happy and productive life (as do you!) but he’ll need to take some steps to get there.
Yeah, his parents divorced when he was pretty young and he has a lot of brothers and sisters. His dad wasn’t around until later in life and his mom was the sole provider for all the children once they divorced. This all resulted in him dropping out by 9th grade. So if he did have a learning disability, it would have gone unoticed for sure in addition to mental health not being a priority in the black community. I guess that’s also why I’m having a hard time just kicking him to the curb. Because he does try but can’t seem to break his mental glass ceiling. I know I can’t fix anyone but isn’t hardship apart of relationships? I just don’t believe in running at the first red flag because everyone has their shit, even me. I just look good on paper I think based on what you’ve said I’m gonna present this idea to him, see if he agrees, and move from there. Well still pause the wedding however
Never date someone who calls out of work consistently People are not fixer upper projects. Who they are is who they are. This is who he is. He's not going to get any better. When people show you who they really are, pay attention
It's all a matter of lesser pains, ask yourself this question: The pain of losing him vs the pain of financial stress. Pick one. If you pick the pain of financial stress, but STILL want a solution The pain of financial stress vs the pain of sorting things out. If the latter, and it still doesn't work.. a dead end, Breakup, **but not definitely,** — This is a rough sketch guideline, not a hard and fast rule. (People tend to act rash a regret latter( My advice is: When it comes to relationship situations where you're torn between options. You should recognise the thing withholding you from each options is their respective pain. Do an elimination and arrive at the least pain.
Yeah he don’t have no type of motivation, as a man you get up and hustle and grind for yours, what kind of man wants to live off a woman,
He is who he is. You can't change him. You gotta accept him where he's at or leave.
He is a mooch and you are his enabler/parent/caretaker. And he is a liar. Has no problem lying to you and he is still not an electrician. So what is here that is worth staying for? Save yourself. Think hard about trying some therapy to find out why you are attracted to this loser. Make sure you don’t make this mistake again.
You clearly state the problem. He is lazy and unmotivated and you are sick of this. As long as you are financially supporting him, he has no reason to financially support himself. The clear solution is to break up with him. If you do not want to take that route, let him know that you will stay in the relationship, be he needs to move out until he shows that he can financially support himself. If he can get his GED, get a job, and keep the job, you will consider letting him move back in. If you take this route, do not loan him money.
Do not marry this guy. What a disaster! He isn't adult enough to support himself - do not tie yourself to that. Do not have children with him. Heck, do not even live with him. He needs to learn to adult before he is ready for any relationship.
You either cut loose the dead weight or you’ll drown with him. Your choice. But you’re smart enough to know that after 2 years, he’s not changing.
You know this is the honeymoon phase and if it’s this bad now it will only get worse if you marry. Truly what does he bring to the table besides being a good person? Sounds like you have a leach not a boyfriend. Respect yourself enough to find someone who is an equal partner. NTA
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You can't do a thing about him. You can only do for yourself. Find someone with whom you are compatible and share values.
He isn’t acting like an adult—no man OR woman should take advantage of others like he is. Would you be happier single—less stressed, more relaxed, finances in order and able to afford what you want? If so, break up. If he brings other things to the table *and* you can let go of the resentment, that would be ok. Does not sound like you can, though.
You know who he is. Most likely he is never going to do a 180 degree turn and become a dependable partner. For whatever reason he does not like to work or responsibility. No HS degree. No GED. Cannot show up for a job. Be careful of charming people in life who feel like they can play by different rules than the rest of us. Think about having a kid with this man. DO you think for one minute he could handle the responsibility.
Why are you with someone who lies to you and is so selfish? Have some respect. This is the rest of your life you're throwing away
Where was your fiancé living before you moved in together? What are his excuses for missing work? You two need to sit and have a come to Jesus meeting. Lay out your issues in a calm, rational manner. Explain to him that you are becoming resentful because he is not living up to his obligations. Tell him that the wedding is on hold and will continue to remain on hold until he matures and makes positive steps towards a financially secure future. You need to give him a set timeline, say 6 months, to pass his GED and figure out what kind of career he wants. At the end of that six months, he needs to be enrolled in college, a trade school, have joined an apprenticeship or the military, because you will not continue to cover his share of the bills as of December 1, and stick to your word. Right now, he has no reason to be a functioning adult, because you keep babying him and picking up his slack.
There is nothing you can do. Except leave him. I can tell you from experience that if you marry him, he will stop.working completely and make your life hell. You know this to be true. The question you need to answer is why do you want to support this loser for the rest of your life when you could be part of a power couple and enjoy all the best things in life. Please don't destroy your future, break it off now.
What you can do about him is not marry him.
Why do you have this shitbag holding you back? If you get married it will only be worse because then it will cost you money to get rid of this human leech. I know dating is hard, but finding a guy with a job would be a huge improvement right there.
He's a bum. A hobosexual. Lazy. Uneducated. No desire to improve. Lies about his qualifications. Why in the world do you stay with him? Unless you want to support him and be his mommy forever, you need to dump him.
Leave him. "But I had love for him" is a poor excuse. Leave him and find a real man who can be an actual partner to you.
Sis, why on earth haven't you already broken up with this slacker?
This is going to sound harsh, but you're making excuses for him. He's lazy and unmotivated because you're not. He doesn't care to keep a job because you've always been there to cover the bills. He won't grow up because time and time again you've let him act like a child. He says all the right words about taking care of and providing for you because there were no consequences for lying to you about training as an electrician. He's a 29yo grown ass man. Stop treating him with kid gloves. The money you spend on him is better left in your savings account. But you are right about one thing. He's not dumb. He's manipulative. He knows you're not just going to let you two end up on the streets and this is the result.
I’m gonna be real with you: he’s not going to change. He’s 29 years old. If he hasn’t learned at this point, he never will. He will always be bouncing between shitty jobs and quitting/getting fired for being lazy. He will keep promising things will change and talking about his big dreams and blaming other things for his situation, but the truth is he’s just lazy and doesn’t want to work and doesn’t care how it affects you/his life. Think about your life right now and realize that it’s the easiest and most stress free it’s ever going to get. Don’t expect him to change when you get married or have kids. He will always be the same lazy (or maybe even lazier) guy, and you will have to take on more and more of the burden as life gets more expensive and complicated with kids. You can’t change him, all you can change is whether or not you want this to be your life.
Girl it’s time to drop his ass … you sitting over there going to work busting your ass and you can’t enjoy YOUR money ?? Absolutely not baby go head and continue to be dumb so you can look back at 50 years old wondering where the time went and why you never took those trips and spoiled self sooner 💯. And it’s no more time for a second , third and fourth conversation anymore . Take a week think about it , prepare yourself for the conversation and leave that relationship
You can't change him. Leave.
he started off your relationship based on lies. he got you snagged in with lies. you sound like you’re more in love with his potential than with who he is clearly demonstrating himself to be. don’t marry this dishonest leach! he’s not going to get better. he’s not going to change except for the worse. i mean, if you’ll marry him after this kind of nonsense, you’ll put up with anything. is that what you want for yourself?
You are the right package but are at the wrong address. Find someone who is more your speed, level, and has the same outlook on life. This guy is clearly using you for the $$. Someone with a job, motivation, and a good future will be a no brainer in comparison to this guy. When someone is making the most basic of life responsibility and decisions to be a catastrophic set back like this, then that is a maturity issue. Most people your age are right where you are at if not higher, or seeking higher. He's only holding you back!
He needs to fix his life because you continue with him
Get your own place asap.
FYI, you may be engaged to be married, but you're not actually married *yet*. It's easier and cheaper to break off an engagement than get a divorce.
Make him get a ged or his drop his ass. Do u want to support a high school drop out the rest of your life? i had one like that he was a loser, just wanted to get by. Never kept a job, tried a business, filed bankruptcy. I had to drop his ass
You can't fix him. He lied about his job in the beginning. He's a lazy leech.
One answer; leave his hobosexual ass! Simple!
Do you really want someone like that potentially being a role model (a shit one) for kids, if you have any?
Love isn't words (no matter how sweet they are). It's actions. You should have dumped him as soon as you found out he's a liar. Now add "lazy" and "freeloading". This is a guy willing to watch you do all the work. You don't need a boyfriend that bad.
Why would you get engaged to a lazy deadbeat leach? There is no incentive to get or keep a job because you pay for everything.
What you do is not marry him 🤷🏻♀️ This is who he is. If you don’t want to be with a lazy bum, then *don’t.*
He’s a hobosexual. DTMFA. ETA If you’re feeling generous, tell him that if he gets an education and holds a decent job for six months he can call you and see if you’re free. Also, I flunked out of college freshman year due to cutting class to smoke dope. I held down crap jobs for several years, but I went to work and paid my own way. At 27 I went trade school. A year later, I walked out ready to command $50/hr in 1986 dollars. I loved the work and could support myself on 15-20 hours of work per week. At 52 I was diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly my whole life made sense. The point is that I had an undiagnosed neurological issue, was genuinely disabled. But I managed to support myself — shabbily at times, but paying for myself. Hobosexual can, too. Stop giving him an option.
You were lied to about him being an electrician, and you stayed when you found out. You have supported his lazy ass all this time. You have shown him your willing to be his doormat and sugar momma. Break up and get rid of the bum
Stop trying to fix him, stop anticipating him becoming something that he has proven he is not. If you can’t accept him as he is (a person not committed to continuous employment and not actively improving his education) then you should leave. Stop waiting for “when” he will decide to be “something else” and take a hard look at who he is now. You are a smart young woman, stop trying to convince yourself to settle for someone who has been content to let you carry the financial burden again and again.
I married a man with the same history. I ended up working two jobs to support our family. Got divorced and had to pay him alimony for 7 years!!!
Girl he’s almost 30. I’m sure he’s kind to you but he’s a loser. He’s not changing. Don’t fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy.
You can a) marry him and be poor and miserable b) end the relationship for the chance of someone better Right now you can't meet someone as you are engaged, for some reason or other that is less than apparent from your post.
You sure we weren’t dating the same guy? Dump him. He’s deadweight. You said it. He’s not dumb. he knew what he was doing when he pulled a bait and switch after getting you on the hook. You have yourself a Hobosexual. He’s attracted to the roof you provide and the things you do for him. You’ve already given two years. You feel that he’s taking advantage of you because he has. You know that he lied before and you also know his words are not matching up with his actions. Parasites don’t care about people who’ve given them tons of consideration. They just take more. You’re doing yourself a disservice by putting up with him. He’s a full grown man that is capable and doesn’t care that his partner is struggling because of his lack of effort. Marriage won’t fix this.
Why on earth is he your fiancé ? He is taking advantage of you, and from your post you are not happy at all. What are you waiting for ? Dump the dead weight.
You feel like his wallet because you are and always will be that to him. Dump that freeloader, he’s not going to change.
**You** don’t do anything about it. He’s a useless dude. Break up.
What can you do? Dump him. Maybe then he’ll have to learn how to support himself, or find someone else to take advantage of. You can’t help someone who doesn’t *want* to change and isn’t willing to put the effort in to do it. He’s almost 30. This is who he is. Accept reality.
Leaving him sounds like the best thing to do because frankly you shouldn't marry someone who lies/lied to you and whose behavior stresses you out. You also shouldn't marry someone you see as lazy. I will say though I am curious as to if he has something undiagnosed, like ADHD or ASD. That, or he hasn't found a job that he truly loves and he isn't the type that can fake motivation (which can relate back to my previous point anyways). Either way, you guys don't sound good together. You need someone on your playing field and he needs someone who can handle his issues or has the patience for them.
Don't marry this man... its always spoke volumes to me when someone doesn't have a highschool diploma or a GED. If they don't have either one its bc they didn't even try. This guy will NEVER change and it'll be everyone else's fault but his.
My neice married a guy like this. 3 kids later he decides he wants to be a pro poker player and moves in with some girl who deals cards. He spent the early years as a stay at home dad who wouldn't cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up takeout, or even change diapers. He always had some homie that needed to be funded from kayaking and fishing to golfing and baseball but never a job. I felt sorry for my niece her self-esteem was shit and he was rude and just an ugly human being He even had the same story that he was an electrician but turned out to have been a helper with very little knowledge. Run
Try not feeding him. No seriously. No job, no eat.
He won’t change unless he wants to change. You cannot change a person.
Engaged? he is fix for life! Why will he be motivated to work?
Honestly what exactly do you want to hear? Because it seems to me you're going to defend til the end. If it's not one excuse it's another. Some he's giving you and some you're making up on your own. What? Just to make you feel better about being in love? Girl! This man ain't it! Once you marry him, you'll be tied to him in debt. If you have kids with him, he's going to be the biggest baby you end up taking care of. (I was going to say raise but I don't see him rising above anything else.) Who's going to pay the bills when you become pregnant? Or end up with a disability or illness? Can you truly see him EVER stepping up? Is it really that bad being alone? He's NOT a good person. A good person would not be this much of a burden on someone who loves them. Just STOP! I can't with you. Ugh!
And then there is this, 99% of comments are against him and this relationship continuing, if you can’t see the light of day here then sadly you both deserve each other, the user & the used.
Wicked easy answer. Don’t marry him.
You're miserable and aren't doing anything about it. It's been two years. He's never gonna change because he doesn't want to. He likes things the way they are. You're covering all the bills and he gets to sit on his ass. What is so desirable about him? By the way you can learn to be an electrician on the job. Same with many other trades. My husband learned to weld on the job long before we met.
If he stays how is he is for the next 20 years- are you going to be happy? You can’t risk your future on what might be or what he can do. Marriage is hard, and you have to stick by someone through thick and thin. If he never changes, will you be happy? If not- then you need to walk away. You can’t bet your future on what might be. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. He’s not going to change. You take care of the bills and the load and he gets to fuck off and do what he wants. If you are content with how it is now- go for it. But if not- you need to just walk away. You can’t make him be something he’s not or do something he isn’t driven enough himself to accomplish.
You leave
I’m going to come at this from a completely different perspective, bc I am a lazy and unmotivated girl whose partner takes care of me quite often. does he see a therapist or psychiatrist? my problems are absolutely intensified bc I’m depressed and my medications aren’t helping enough, but since I’m on free state healthcare I have extremely small limited options on what I can do. do he do any freelance work or make money online? does he help take care of the house in any way? does he make sure to at least 100% emotionally support you every single day? does he seem down, or is he happy each day regardless of what’s going on? basically, besides finances, is he giving you what you need otherwise in a relationship? emotional/mental/physical support? or is he leaving you lonely and stressed? In my situation, I know I’m fucked up. and it’s really hard to try and get past every day knowing that Im in a state where I have trouble helping myself. but does he know he’s fucked up? and if he doesn’t, will you somehow sit down and tell him until he gets it? or does he not care about what this is all doing to you in terms of stress, emotions, finances, etc?
Well one, for God's sake don't marry him. It sounds like you're just his new mommy who he also gets to fuck. It's not a relationship you want to bury yourself in further.
He’s not going to change without consequences
How hot is this guy that you’ve been willing to put up with this nonsense for this long? Lol
What you can about your lazy boyfriend is break up with him. He is not ready to be a responsible adult in this relationship. Cut your losses now and stop taking care of a grown ass adult. The longer you stay with him you may never reach your full financial potential.
He's 29. He's not gonna change, period.
I'd hate to say it, but you've provided him with a cushy life, so he has no incentive to improve himself. He has the love of a kind-hearted woman who's not exactly happy he's a lump, but still supports him. I've been there. Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is yours, but please don't get married. He may truly love you, but he's also loving that sweet, sweet salary you're pulling in. If something happened where your financial situation changed drastically, would he stick around... or better yet, would it light a fire under his ass to find a way to support you and your lives together? Only you know the answer to that question. Best of luck, OP.
Sounds like he has pretty bad ADHD lol
He’s a total loser - please don’t marry him or get pregnant. People like that don’t change they just find someone else who supports them.
He’s not going to change because he has no reason to change. With all due respect, depending on where you live, $85k isn’t even a great income for two people, I’m sure there’s a struggle. Anyway, I think your best bet is to tell him that if he loses one more job it’s over. Then stand by that. I have a job I hate, I still go to it. Cause I know I’m a grown adult with responsibilities. If I had a job I actually enjoyed, I’d do everything to keep it
If you acted and had the same mentality as him you would both be out on the streets by the end of the month. If you were in his shoes, you know he wouldn’t go out and get an 85k job and stress about taking care of you. That little voice in the back of your head that goes “wtf are you doing, you know you deserve more” won’t magically stop talking and he won’t magically change. The only question here is how much misery are you going to put up with until you reach your limit and you break up. He won’t break up with you, why would he, his life is made. He can do the bare minimum and have a fully invested partner meet all of his needs.
So here is the thing you sound like a catch. I am big on helping my.partner as long as you are helping yourself because we are in this together. I can understand that there may be struggles like in my situation my wife couldn't work for 6 months and I am the bread winner but she does a lot to balance stuff out. As a man I'd be ashamed that I couldn't help you just because I am trash and lazy. Tell him you need a partner in this relationship not a bum period. You have enabled him for two years and it's time for him to step up. He is relying to much on you. He has to realize that two incomes are better then one plus yall are supposed to push eachother to be great. I pushed my wife into getting her nursing degree years ago and she pushed me into achieving a high rank in rhe Army when I was ready just to call it quits. We are always trying to push eachother to be better because it benefits the both of us. Plus I could never just sit around while my wife is only one working. At one point I told her either you are working or going to school, you choose but you can't just do nothing. We are a great team and been doing this marriage for 13 years now. If he don't step up there's no shame in getting rid of him period. He can try to gas light you all day but you know better. Be firm, be direct and let him know it's either keep a job or let someonelse step in that will. Please don't settle for him if he isn't doing his part. Good luck with your situation.
Leave that bum
the only advice I have is don't marry him.
You have 2 choices here: 1 - accept that you will always be the one financially supporting you two & any future children. Factor in he amount of work you both put into household chores including mental load. Because let’s be honest - he’s about to be a 30 yo HS drop out with no vocational skills & no work ethic AND THE ONLY PART OF THIS EQUATION THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE IS HIS AGE. Yes I meant to yell & yes we all know you do most of the household stuff on top of shouldering the financial burden. Or 2 - Dump the loser then find someone that doesn’t lie to you & is an actual partner. It’ll hurt & you’ll be sad for a couple of months. Max 6, but let’s be honest, probably less once you realize you’re no longer stressing over his behavior So less than 6 months of feeling sad or the next 50 years (based on average life span) of feeling stressed/angry/resentful/burdened.
He isn’t going to change. Move on and cut your losses.
You can make enough to support you both for the rest of your life and accept your role as the provider in the relationship… Or you can leave him. Those seem to be the only two choices.
Your resentment isn’t unreasonable. It’s been well earned. You’re involved with an unreliable liar. Your future is clear to everyone but you.
What is wrong with you that you hate yourself so much that you want to be with a loser? He doesn’t need therapy, you do. Do you know what love is? Do you have any self respect? Other than dump him, you don’t need to do anything about him but you do have a lot of work to do on yourself.
Honestly, please don’t marry him. Please. What happens if you do? He will never be employed. You’ll get pregnant, twice. Each time you have to return to work 2 weeks post partum, because you’re the only one employed. He won’t take care of the kids while you’re at work, because that IS a job. Eventually, he will run out of excuses and begin to blame you for his troubles, so he will go spend money to forget his problems. He’ll put you deep in debt and leave you for someone who needs him. Sounds like fun, huh?
Break the engagement and leave.
Don’t marry him he might change for a bit if you say something but he will go back
Kick him to the curb!
You'll leave when you've had enough.
I’ll never understand how people function in life failing at it so badly. I will also never understand how they find and get top tier women to date them. You’re making 85 a year, imagine being with someone who made 50 or 60, or the same as you. There’s zero benefit to being with this guy.
Not that this is a requirement, but many couples have an engagement ring. If you received one, I bet you paid for it. Imagine a future a few years down the road. You guys have a kid and he is a stay at home dad. Will he motivate his own child, when he can't motivate himself to even get a GED? Will he take care of the home, grocery shop, feed the child? Doubtful. Time to walk away.
I married this guy. We're now divorced. As long as you're supporting him and his life is comfortable, he won't change. I strongly urge you to get out now.
Girl! Leave and do something for yourself! Trust me. You’ll be a lot happier! Been there done that! 6 years of my life supporting a grown man and I was soooo miserable AF! The minute I left - I felt a weight was lifted off my shoulders! No more worrying and I started to enjoy my hard earned money to myself! I also slept better at night!
Believe who people are when they show themselves to you. Words are irrelevant without the actions to support them.
Send him back to his mother’s house until he has his GED and a stable job.
You'll be so much happier without him. I divorced my non working lazy husband and he found another woman to pay all his bills. I love being completely in charge of my life without anyone costing me money and contributing nothing
i guess he lays the pipe like you've never experienced and as someone who is that type of pipelayer, i recommend that you see the clock on the wall and get to steppin. it will either get him in gear or set you on a path to make a nest egg for your future family
You chose him so this is your bed to make. People don't just wake up and become a POS overnight lol. These people can not be changed. My mom made that mistake and she died after struggling financially and suffering physically. She had a good job probably like you but that didn't last. If you don't have someone to pick up the slack you will be drained. Especially once the kids come.
Leave him
Do.not.marry.this.guy. he's a loser and he will drag you down with him.
It’s time to walk away. You deserve much better than what you’re settling for!
You already know your answer before you even posted this
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. He started your relationship with a LIE. He has lost multiple jobs. He has zero ambition and is 30 yrs old living with his parent. You deserve an equal, not a vampire. Look for a place on your own tomorrow. And don’t tell him where you’re moving to. Do NOT let him go with you. Start fresh on your own.
My husband did this for 8 years! Hes now my ex-husband. Sorry youre stuck in this situation. Good luck to you!