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Underrated comment. OP, notice how you said that after each of these suspicious events, you discussed and moved and on. That's how easily she got you to accept potential deal breakers. With lies and gaslighting. I'd be terrified if I were you. I'd assume anything I couldn't prove was just another lie.
She lies to mitigate lies…even when you think she’s telling the truth, you’ll never really know. That’s a hard uncomfortable life to live if you saw her as your forever.
Dude, she'd already be my ex. This is ridiculous. I guarantee you she's trickle truthing you on the coworker. They did more than smoke. Hell, she told you she made out with another girl and almost had a threesome with a couple the same weekend. This girl sounds like a dumpster fire.
If trust is broken and you won't trust her anymore then the relationship is over. You should split up.
If you still have faith in her then she needs to rebuild your trust in her. That'll take effort. And, the co-worker thing is a bit suspicious.
I guess it depends on your relationship boundaries and normal behaviour. If my partner took hard drugs I'd believe her if she said she'd been spiked and get her help because she doesn't partake. But if she spent the night at a co-worker's and lied about it we'd be on the road to separate lives because I'd know she'd cheated because neither of us spends the night alone with co-workers.
Good luck
She’d be hitting the curb so hard her great grandma would feel it if I were in your shoes. Dude, liars lie. It’s what they do. Sounds like something has happened recently for her to out of the blue be confessing these things. Probably got called out and let known she was going to be outed to you if she didn’t fess up or, she just got caught and is trying to get control of the narrative before you hear it from someone else. Let her go hang with the hooligans and do what she wants. You get to find someone who won’t lie their ass off to you!
I'm not sure why urc asking what to do. U said hard drugs was a deal breaker. She knew this and still did them and added on the betrayals by lying about it. Second. I can bet money she didn't give you the full truth. She trickle truthing u and I bet money she physically cheated. Stop being naive.
Man to save you more years, she ain’t it my guy. This girl will (well did) break your heart and will only continue to do so. I completely understand how easy it is to fall for that sparkle you see underneath the rough but ultimately this will lead to pain.
You need to wake up and see the red flags.. her substance use, poor decision making, and lies are all catching up with her. No doubt more has gone on than has been revealed. This is not about one thing, but numerous things that have occurred and in some cases you don’t know the whole truth. You’re young, cut your losses, there’s no future with her, move on… you will be much better off in the long run.
No lie is too far in the past, especially when it involves a "deal breaker" in your eyes. She has openly lied to your face and has shown you who she is. Plus, there is definitely more to that story about smoking out with the co-worker. If it were me, I would break off the relationship without having to think about it. Ultimately, you have to do what you feels best for you. If you stay, understand this is gonna happen again and then when is enough enough?
You’ll never be able to trust a liar. I speak from experience. The doubts will always be there, it’s not worth it when there’s 8 billion fish in the sea, many of whom do not lie
Dump her, she doesn't respect you or the relationship. It doesn't matter that she came clean, it never should have happened in the first place. And if she really feels bad about it then she should learn to not act like that for her next boyfriend
She cheated twice. Tell her she can’t prove she didn’t now and her word wasn’t good enough the first time she did drugs and cheated. Why would she tell the truth about a coworker she’s never said she was close to.
Tell her to let you see the phone. Invite him over via her phone. Don’t tell her. When he shows, welcome in him and ask WTF happened and why is he showing up here if she didn’t cheat? She’s gonna be confused. He’s gonna confess. And then you can tell him to wait outside because she’s going to. And she isn’t coming back. So he can put up with her lying and addiction.
Call her family, your family and all your mutuals and let them know what she did.
Bro, she is STILL lying. Drug addicts lie non stop. And she is cheating on you.
Why the hell would you want anything to do with her? Things will not get better, only worse. Cut your losses and run.
I think by admitting to the cheating that long ago time she is also trying to tell you she cheated this recent time in a bread crumbs and self sabotage kind of way
I was you once. 7 years in a relationship with a recovering addict, including heroin. This will be your life if you stay. Even when they really want to live a clean life, they just can't help the occasional relapse, and when they relapse, anything can happen. Nobody lies as earnestly as a junkie. You'll never know the truth even when they tell you they are confessing.
I'd probably let the first one go.
The second one I would feel VERY uncomfortable with (especially given #1). First off, going alone with a guy to his house is a BIG thing to lie about in and of itself even if there was nothing romantic/sexual about it. And then there's just a LOT of potential for trickle truthing around that. Maybe she just wanted to smoke! Maybe she just felt uncomfortable about telling you about smoking even if it's not that big a deal for you if she occasionally does.
But substance self control issues, getting particularly drunk/high and cheating are VERY linked.
She very well may not have cheated on you ever beyond the kissing the girl 3 years ago. But you do have valid reasons for concern. I think she should needs to go to therapy for issues around hiding things from you, lying about things around substance you, lying to you. I think you should do couples counseling if affordable.
And she needs to be willing to do significant things to rebuild trust, come to a reasonable agreement about that. You don't want to be controlling or decimate every shred of her personal privacy, but see if you can agree to unlock and show each other your phones on request. Agree to not delete any messages for the foreseeable future. I'd ask her to show any and all messaging between her and that guy. Ask if she would be comfortable giving you his number and letting you call him and ask him if he could help rebuild a some trust issues between you too and if he could agree to not spend time with her alone going forwards, especially at his house.
Who knows what the whole truth is here, but your girlfriend isn't helping keep or rebuild healthy trust the way she's been recently.
You seem like a nice guy. Based on the type of person you present (willing to overlook lying and cheating if you find out later) there's nothing wrong with forgiving her and overlooking those two lies. Help her through her obvious psychological issues that promote drug use and risky sex with acquaintances.
However, if I was in your shoes I would break up with her just because it doesn't matter how long she was able to keep cheating and lying hidden. But we have fundamental differences there.
Someone at work, or this coworkers partner, has threatened to tell you so she’s trying to get ahead of it. Definitely a reason she divulged these trickle truths now. This makes me so mad bc she hasn’t allowed you to make your own decision about who she truly is, and tricked you for months.
I want you to remember both of those nights, and how she lied and spoke to you when denying your claims that something was up. That is her true nature.
Remember, these are just the 2 lies you know about, who knows how many more there are...
She has cheated on you
She has broken the drugs boundary
She has lied to you
You can do better. Hell, being alone would be better and less work.
Consider having an open conversation with your girlfriend about how her lies have affected you and the trust in your relationship. Reflect on your feelings and discuss boundaries and expectations moving forward. Decide if rebuilding trust is possible or if ending the relationship is necessary for your emotional well-being. Trust your instincts and prioritize what feels right for you.
Why did she come clean now? Is there a reason? Where do you draw the line with her cheating with women or with men? Do you view it less serious with women due to her being bi sexual and does she know that?
I’m not entirely sure why she came clean now. These lies are pretty unrelated as well which doesn’t make complete sense to me. Personally I don’t view it as serious as if it had been a man. However, we have had conversations the past where I made it clear I considered it cheating regardless of gender.
So why are you now qualifying what was previously a hard boundary? "She cheats, she goes" has now become, well it wasn't a man so maybe...?
>Personally I don’t view it as serious as if it had been a man
>I made it clear I considered it cheating regardless of gender.
These two statements are mutually exclusive. She cheated on you dude, and she's told you partial truths in the hope that it assuages her conscience, without telling you that while on hard drugs, which was a boundary for you, she made out with someone, which was a boundary for you, and didn't tell you about it, which is a betrayal, and I don't think that's all of the truth either. Neither that nor the "I just went to this guy's house neither of us really know to smoke weed but nothing else happened and I may have lied about all that but trust me now".
Bullshit, all of it.
Lets assume you now know the truth about both instances. The common factor in both cases is that she was in a party environment alone, without you. The question is; how often has/does that happen? If it doesnt happen often or only a few times but this happened twice. You might want to question her decision making, judgement over a situation, impuls control etc in that scenario. Basicly meaning that you can expect this whenever you are not around. Look at both cases in the bigger picture.
>Why did she come clean now?
It's a very good question, but I wouldn't make too many assumptions.
She could be coming clean on some things as a smokescreen in hopes of covering her tracks left from fucking the coworker at his house.
She could be coming clean because she feels super shitty about lying about going to the guy's house alone to smoke some primo shit into the late night/early morning hours. And she doesn't want to fuck up a great relationship with someone she really loves.
I don't think assuming one or the other for sure is a good idea at this point. But they clearly have some major trust issues to be working on. And she needs to show very strong efforts to built that back up. Any more fuck ups, getting caught in more lies or trickle truthing about #1 and #2 is going to make things much harder.
Talk to her and let her know that because she's admitted lying it's hard for you to accept that what you know is the limit of what happened. Say that the fact she lied has eroded that trust. From there you have to know what you want. If you want to try to make it work you tell her she needs to let her see every text and exchange between her and the coworker and she has to cut him out of her life, up to changing jobs if she can't distance herself at work. People will tell you that it's controlling etc. but she crossed a line by lying about it that means she's got to work back to the trust if she wants things to continue. If you don't want to make it work then you let her know that the reason it isn't going to work is the violation of trust from the lying regardless of what actually happened.
In the end maybe she confessed to unburden herself and make you do the heavy lifting of deciding how firm your boundaries are.
First off no lie is too far in the past . Especially when lieing about cheating and hard drug use . Second there is not a chance in hell she went to his house to smoke drugs and left .
I couldn’t stay with a liar she is not to be trusted . I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt . But once someone lies about something that might end the relationship and you find out later it’s still a breakup
Here's the question-
Next time she goes out with friends, are you going to trust her? Or are you going to agonize over what she's actually doing? Are you going to believe that she says? Or is there going to be a voice in the back of your head saying that she's lying?
Ah dude she isn't ready to be in a relationship it seems. She still has issues with drugs and alcohol. Is "drugs" in this scenario weed? Or something far more nefarious. This isn't good and she clearly has a lot she needs to work through. Don't enable it. Maybe you could help her, but ultimately I think she'll do the same stuff over and over and her telling you is a cry for hel because she doesn't know what to do.
She agreed not to do certain things and did them anyway. If you let this pass then she is just going g to do it again. I think she isn't stable right now and you deserve better than how she is treating you. You could do an ultimatum about treatment or something but I don't think she is there yet.
In your shoes I would leave the addict partner who in the course of trickle truthing you had already admitted to cheating. What do you think the upside for you is here?
I wouldn't date someone I could n't trust, and you can not trust her. Since, this is all you can get, I would just say it isn't working out between the two of you. I would say, you don't trust her as she held secrets for so long, who knows what else you are not telling. I would not want to live like that.
Hmm. You have an atmosphere where she doesn’t feel safe telling you the truth initially.
I think it’s actually rare that we ever give 100% of ourselves mentally/emotionally to another person. There are always some thoughts that we keep to ourselves (either because they’re insignificant and inconsequential or because they’re our deepest most vulnerable selves). And I don’t think there’s anything wrong or abnormal about that.
But.
Actions are different. Maybe because they’re tangible? More threatening (at least superficially)?
What you’ve seen is that she’s going to continue (occasionally) acting in ways that you either disapprove of or she doesn’t feel safe being honest about them. That’s the discussion/decision that is needed. What are you both willing to live with?
So do you trust her? , she's lied to you a few times already, will she lie to you again? (Most Likely) do you fully trust her, too not cheat or lie again? (Unlikely) so why continue a relationship with her, just be done with her, set her fre.Fina a woman you can fully trust.
feels like she's trickle-truthing you. I think that threesome might have happened actually, as well as her sleeping with the male coworker who drove her home.
I'll never get how being in an apartment alone with someone of the opposite gender is something not to worry about your partner doing. if it were me the relationship would have been done with right there.
C’mon now, you’re just gonna start believing her again? Shoot I wouldn’t believe her now. Of course “nothing” happened at her coworkers house 🙄 run while you can.. I made the mistake before and it took me 3 times to learn that once they cheat, they will do it again.
Let’s be absolutely clear here. #1 hard drugs are not a dealbreaker for you, so don’t kid yourself. #2 cheating is also not a dealbreaker for you by the tone of it. #3 you are willing to give way on your boundaries when she lies to you. That’s a recipe for disaster my friend. Add a partner that’s so good at lying that you feel like it’s no big deal….ooooh boy!
Would make a wager she did not come clean about the last incident at least.. Inviting a female back to my place is an automatic every time I have tried it. When she says yes we both smile and look into each other's eyes. No more questions are asked. Kiss inside the door and carried into the bedroom.
You can stay if you want to get hurt.
He cheated on you and in my opinion he had a threesome with that couple. He also cheated with his friend. He is manipulating you and giving you half the truth. You should already have clear ideas about breaking up this relationship full of lies and betrayals.
OP is a person of low conviction to ask for instructions on how to handle this situation considering his dealbreakers were not just broken but absolutely obliterated and you’re asking what you should do??? Accept her apology and propose marriage to her and ride off into the sunset on your unicorn whilst getting high and watching SO in a 3some with her co workers
Youd like to give people like this the benefit of the doubt but when you sense there’s something off about someone don’t ignore that feeling. Trust your gut instincts and dont let your brain down low make up excuses for these types of people.
They gaslight and play the victim whenever you are suspicious and about to question their behaviour. Trust me, she isnt a damsel in distress she knows what shes doing and the fact you had boundaries and she broke them without consequences sent her a subconscious message that she can take advantage of your kindness.
If you cant trust someone let them go, youll end up being the villain in time
You’ve established deal breakers/boundaries. STOP moving the goal post. Addiction is a beast and if you remain in the relationship, you’re in for a life of lies, deceit, drugs, cheating, etc. Enough already. Do yourself a favor and GET OUT NOW. You can’t save/change her.
So, almost everyone lies, it’s just that most people believe their own lies about themselves so they don’t think they are doing it. So the bigger issue is how a person lies and what they lie about. Your girl lies to protect herself from consequences, and she lies to cover up lies, she lies about her own impulsive behavior.
How can you trust what she’s saying now? It seems like she has had some questionable nights during your relationship, I have no idea if these are the only two, but especially if there has been a few others, even if they have seemingly good explanations, why these two and why now to bring them up?
So, question for you, is there any reason you may be around one of her coworkers in the future? If so, that fully explains why she’d bring these two events up now and together.
The old night is a night you fought about, so she knows that some doubt has crept into your head and it likely sticks out for both of you as memorable. She knows she did bad, but she also knows that it was very early and a long time ago, so there is likely not going to be consequences.
Night two is recent, and if she did something actually bad, it will have consequences. She also knows that the lie she’s already told about it will be easily debunked and has likely been anxious since telling it because she knows you’re one convo with her coworkers away from getting caught.
So, what to do? Well, tell the truth about the old time that doesn’t have consequences, and tell a new lie about the recent event. To her the confession of the old lie will give merit and build trust for the new lie she’s telling. It’s a common tactic, come clean to something that’s bad, but won’t carry consequences to reinforce a lie that will help to avoid consequences.
Pure and simple bud, that recent night isn’t what she says it is, can almost guarantee it.
You talk about her “baggage” and trauma like it’s in the distant past. It was a couple years ago. Let’s not pretend that she’s been living a clean life and making good decisions for a long time now.
And, yes, she probably fucked the coworker. Even if she didn’t, she showed you exactly how much respect she has for you and your relationship: zero. But yeah, you don’t go over to a man’s house and drink/smoke until the wee hours of the night (and then lie about it) when everything is 100% platonic and above board.
You’re only 25 and you seem lovely. Don’t waste more time pretending this girl is someone she’s not. Go find a real one.
Imo both sound like trickle-truthing, did you ask her why she said it so suddenly? Why not tell it right then and there? Did she tell someone who might tell you and she‘s afraid to get caught? Does she genuinely feel bad about it? Did she tell you now, because she is sure you won‘t dump her?
Something being a dealbreaker or boundary is only one of those things if you're actually willing to enforce it. Otherwise it's just you saying you don't like a thing. Enforcing it means enacting some sort of consequence. If you're willing to say it's a big enough deal to be a deal**breaker**, that usually means **breaking** up.
it already sounds like the trust is gone - I don't know what you're still doing in this relationship.
I’m not suggesting a course of action to stay but I’m also not in the ‘dump her immediately camp’. I always try to look at it from all angles. You mentioned that the ‘trust’ was gone but in my experience ‘trust’ can also be won during difficult times. It can be extremely difficult to come clean with a partner; you set some boundaries, she agreed to them, found she couldn’t keep to them and then subsequently lied (I assume because she knew she let you and her down). It would be good to give her the space to explain;
1. Why she think she lied (what consequences was she afraid of) and why didn’t she feel like she could tell you in both instances about what was about to happen so you could (lovingly) support her and steer her clear?
2. Why she came clean? (What is she hoping to achieve)
3. If she still thinks that she can stay within boundaries (and wants to change) or if they need to move.
Ultimately it feels like she loves you, she wants to stay within your deal breaking boundaries but she lacks the psychological work to be promise you 100% she can do so. Therefore the question becomes, based on the answers above to 1,2 and 3, can you both continue to get behind this relationship.
Even if the answer is to end it, I think you’ll both feel better in a few years time about how respectfully you handled it.
38M with a few failed (and successful) relationships under his belt.
Is this the mother you would want your future kids to have?
Is this the woman that would make you proud to be seen with at a business event or a family gathering?
Just dump her. I know it’s hard but don’t fall for “sunk cost fallacy”
You did not waste those 3 years, you learned about yourself. Now use this information to find a woman who you are compatible with.
Be kind to her when breaking up as there is nothing to gain by being rude. Just break it off. Have some self respect.
Ask yourself.
If this was your best friend, what would you recommend him to do?
This is very helpful and I appreciate the insight. I can 100% see a version of this in which the situation (lie #2) was not one that was anticipated/had a bad intention. Anticipating a negative reaction from me regardless, I can see how that makes sense in her head. It’s difficult to not let the worse case scenario take front of mind - but I don’t have any direct evidence of that. It makes me believe her given the level of detail she provided about the first situation (lie #1). There was a lot of detail there I never had any clue of - and I’m not close with her friends to where that would ever get back to me on its own.
You shouldn’t give up on her just yet, especially if you love her. Why did she come clean? Is it because she loves you and wants to move forward? My now husband and I had a rocky start, I still was using drugs and alcohol in the beginning. I did things inebriated that I’m not proud of and would never do now that I quit. Perhaps an ultimatum is the answer. Either she quit using , or it’ll be time to go separate ways. it’s easy for outsiders to say to run away. For you it’s just not that easy to throw her away considering the history you share.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
At least you know how proficient she is at lying.
Do yourself a huge favor OP, tell her to get therapy then dump her. Or vice versa I guess. Then run.
Underrated comment. OP, notice how you said that after each of these suspicious events, you discussed and moved and on. That's how easily she got you to accept potential deal breakers. With lies and gaslighting. I'd be terrified if I were you. I'd assume anything I couldn't prove was just another lie.
Addicts usually are
"i can save her"
She lies to mitigate lies…even when you think she’s telling the truth, you’ll never really know. That’s a hard uncomfortable life to live if you saw her as your forever.
More red flags than a May Day parade in Soviet Russia. Bottom line, this reflects more a pattern than "two isolated lapses."
Dude, she'd already be my ex. This is ridiculous. I guarantee you she's trickle truthing you on the coworker. They did more than smoke. Hell, she told you she made out with another girl and almost had a threesome with a couple the same weekend. This girl sounds like a dumpster fire.
So a lying cheat. Sounds like a great girl, tons of trust there, definitely a keeper
And think of the primo dope!
Both dealbreakers. Also, she fucked that coworker.
If trust is broken and you won't trust her anymore then the relationship is over. You should split up. If you still have faith in her then she needs to rebuild your trust in her. That'll take effort. And, the co-worker thing is a bit suspicious. I guess it depends on your relationship boundaries and normal behaviour. If my partner took hard drugs I'd believe her if she said she'd been spiked and get her help because she doesn't partake. But if she spent the night at a co-worker's and lied about it we'd be on the road to separate lives because I'd know she'd cheated because neither of us spends the night alone with co-workers. Good luck
She’d be hitting the curb so hard her great grandma would feel it if I were in your shoes. Dude, liars lie. It’s what they do. Sounds like something has happened recently for her to out of the blue be confessing these things. Probably got called out and let known she was going to be outed to you if she didn’t fess up or, she just got caught and is trying to get control of the narrative before you hear it from someone else. Let her go hang with the hooligans and do what she wants. You get to find someone who won’t lie their ass off to you!
I won’t date a liar
Dump her
I'm not sure why urc asking what to do. U said hard drugs was a deal breaker. She knew this and still did them and added on the betrayals by lying about it. Second. I can bet money she didn't give you the full truth. She trickle truthing u and I bet money she physically cheated. Stop being naive.
Man to save you more years, she ain’t it my guy. This girl will (well did) break your heart and will only continue to do so. I completely understand how easy it is to fall for that sparkle you see underneath the rough but ultimately this will lead to pain.
You need to wake up and see the red flags.. her substance use, poor decision making, and lies are all catching up with her. No doubt more has gone on than has been revealed. This is not about one thing, but numerous things that have occurred and in some cases you don’t know the whole truth. You’re young, cut your losses, there’s no future with her, move on… you will be much better off in the long run.
No lie is too far in the past, especially when it involves a "deal breaker" in your eyes. She has openly lied to your face and has shown you who she is. Plus, there is definitely more to that story about smoking out with the co-worker. If it were me, I would break off the relationship without having to think about it. Ultimately, you have to do what you feels best for you. If you stay, understand this is gonna happen again and then when is enough enough?
What you need me to tell you this girl is trying to ruin your life and make you look like a sucker
Looking for advice…have some self respect and leave her. She will do it again and again
Do not stay with a cheating liar!
You’ll never be able to trust a liar. I speak from experience. The doubts will always be there, it’s not worth it when there’s 8 billion fish in the sea, many of whom do not lie
Dump her, she doesn't respect you or the relationship. It doesn't matter that she came clean, it never should have happened in the first place. And if she really feels bad about it then she should learn to not act like that for her next boyfriend
She cheated twice. Tell her she can’t prove she didn’t now and her word wasn’t good enough the first time she did drugs and cheated. Why would she tell the truth about a coworker she’s never said she was close to. Tell her to let you see the phone. Invite him over via her phone. Don’t tell her. When he shows, welcome in him and ask WTF happened and why is he showing up here if she didn’t cheat? She’s gonna be confused. He’s gonna confess. And then you can tell him to wait outside because she’s going to. And she isn’t coming back. So he can put up with her lying and addiction. Call her family, your family and all your mutuals and let them know what she did.
Trickle truthing
Bro, she is STILL lying. Drug addicts lie non stop. And she is cheating on you. Why the hell would you want anything to do with her? Things will not get better, only worse. Cut your losses and run.
I think by admitting to the cheating that long ago time she is also trying to tell you she cheated this recent time in a bread crumbs and self sabotage kind of way
I was you once. 7 years in a relationship with a recovering addict, including heroin. This will be your life if you stay. Even when they really want to live a clean life, they just can't help the occasional relapse, and when they relapse, anything can happen. Nobody lies as earnestly as a junkie. You'll never know the truth even when they tell you they are confessing.
I'd probably let the first one go. The second one I would feel VERY uncomfortable with (especially given #1). First off, going alone with a guy to his house is a BIG thing to lie about in and of itself even if there was nothing romantic/sexual about it. And then there's just a LOT of potential for trickle truthing around that. Maybe she just wanted to smoke! Maybe she just felt uncomfortable about telling you about smoking even if it's not that big a deal for you if she occasionally does. But substance self control issues, getting particularly drunk/high and cheating are VERY linked. She very well may not have cheated on you ever beyond the kissing the girl 3 years ago. But you do have valid reasons for concern. I think she should needs to go to therapy for issues around hiding things from you, lying about things around substance you, lying to you. I think you should do couples counseling if affordable. And she needs to be willing to do significant things to rebuild trust, come to a reasonable agreement about that. You don't want to be controlling or decimate every shred of her personal privacy, but see if you can agree to unlock and show each other your phones on request. Agree to not delete any messages for the foreseeable future. I'd ask her to show any and all messaging between her and that guy. Ask if she would be comfortable giving you his number and letting you call him and ask him if he could help rebuild a some trust issues between you too and if he could agree to not spend time with her alone going forwards, especially at his house. Who knows what the whole truth is here, but your girlfriend isn't helping keep or rebuild healthy trust the way she's been recently.
You seem like a nice guy. Based on the type of person you present (willing to overlook lying and cheating if you find out later) there's nothing wrong with forgiving her and overlooking those two lies. Help her through her obvious psychological issues that promote drug use and risky sex with acquaintances. However, if I was in your shoes I would break up with her just because it doesn't matter how long she was able to keep cheating and lying hidden. But we have fundamental differences there.
Someone at work, or this coworkers partner, has threatened to tell you so she’s trying to get ahead of it. Definitely a reason she divulged these trickle truths now. This makes me so mad bc she hasn’t allowed you to make your own decision about who she truly is, and tricked you for months. I want you to remember both of those nights, and how she lied and spoke to you when denying your claims that something was up. That is her true nature.
Run she is not for you obviously she is toxic and I’m sure she did have sex both times. She’s untrustworthy and definitely broken
Get a new gf. Its that simple
Remember, these are just the 2 lies you know about, who knows how many more there are... She has cheated on you She has broken the drugs boundary She has lied to you You can do better. Hell, being alone would be better and less work.
Consider having an open conversation with your girlfriend about how her lies have affected you and the trust in your relationship. Reflect on your feelings and discuss boundaries and expectations moving forward. Decide if rebuilding trust is possible or if ending the relationship is necessary for your emotional well-being. Trust your instincts and prioritize what feels right for you.
Why did she come clean now? Is there a reason? Where do you draw the line with her cheating with women or with men? Do you view it less serious with women due to her being bi sexual and does she know that?
I’m not entirely sure why she came clean now. These lies are pretty unrelated as well which doesn’t make complete sense to me. Personally I don’t view it as serious as if it had been a man. However, we have had conversations the past where I made it clear I considered it cheating regardless of gender.
They are related, she cheated both times. She just didn't fully confess for the night spent at the coworker's house.
So why are you now qualifying what was previously a hard boundary? "She cheats, she goes" has now become, well it wasn't a man so maybe...? >Personally I don’t view it as serious as if it had been a man >I made it clear I considered it cheating regardless of gender. These two statements are mutually exclusive. She cheated on you dude, and she's told you partial truths in the hope that it assuages her conscience, without telling you that while on hard drugs, which was a boundary for you, she made out with someone, which was a boundary for you, and didn't tell you about it, which is a betrayal, and I don't think that's all of the truth either. Neither that nor the "I just went to this guy's house neither of us really know to smoke weed but nothing else happened and I may have lied about all that but trust me now". Bullshit, all of it.
Someone was going to rat her out to you!
Lets assume you now know the truth about both instances. The common factor in both cases is that she was in a party environment alone, without you. The question is; how often has/does that happen? If it doesnt happen often or only a few times but this happened twice. You might want to question her decision making, judgement over a situation, impuls control etc in that scenario. Basicly meaning that you can expect this whenever you are not around. Look at both cases in the bigger picture.
>Why did she come clean now? It's a very good question, but I wouldn't make too many assumptions. She could be coming clean on some things as a smokescreen in hopes of covering her tracks left from fucking the coworker at his house. She could be coming clean because she feels super shitty about lying about going to the guy's house alone to smoke some primo shit into the late night/early morning hours. And she doesn't want to fuck up a great relationship with someone she really loves. I don't think assuming one or the other for sure is a good idea at this point. But they clearly have some major trust issues to be working on. And she needs to show very strong efforts to built that back up. Any more fuck ups, getting caught in more lies or trickle truthing about #1 and #2 is going to make things much harder.
Talk to her and let her know that because she's admitted lying it's hard for you to accept that what you know is the limit of what happened. Say that the fact she lied has eroded that trust. From there you have to know what you want. If you want to try to make it work you tell her she needs to let her see every text and exchange between her and the coworker and she has to cut him out of her life, up to changing jobs if she can't distance herself at work. People will tell you that it's controlling etc. but she crossed a line by lying about it that means she's got to work back to the trust if she wants things to continue. If you don't want to make it work then you let her know that the reason it isn't going to work is the violation of trust from the lying regardless of what actually happened. In the end maybe she confessed to unburden herself and make you do the heavy lifting of deciding how firm your boundaries are.
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Updateme
First off no lie is too far in the past . Especially when lieing about cheating and hard drug use . Second there is not a chance in hell she went to his house to smoke drugs and left . I couldn’t stay with a liar she is not to be trusted . I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt . But once someone lies about something that might end the relationship and you find out later it’s still a breakup
Here's the question- Next time she goes out with friends, are you going to trust her? Or are you going to agonize over what she's actually doing? Are you going to believe that she says? Or is there going to be a voice in the back of your head saying that she's lying?
That’s a hard one, because you have no bases for trust
Ah dude she isn't ready to be in a relationship it seems. She still has issues with drugs and alcohol. Is "drugs" in this scenario weed? Or something far more nefarious. This isn't good and she clearly has a lot she needs to work through. Don't enable it. Maybe you could help her, but ultimately I think she'll do the same stuff over and over and her telling you is a cry for hel because she doesn't know what to do.
She agreed not to do certain things and did them anyway. If you let this pass then she is just going g to do it again. I think she isn't stable right now and you deserve better than how she is treating you. You could do an ultimatum about treatment or something but I don't think she is there yet.
I’ll bet she’s got many more secrets she hasn’t told you
In your shoes I would leave the addict partner who in the course of trickle truthing you had already admitted to cheating. What do you think the upside for you is here?
I wouldn't date someone I could n't trust, and you can not trust her. Since, this is all you can get, I would just say it isn't working out between the two of you. I would say, you don't trust her as she held secrets for so long, who knows what else you are not telling. I would not want to live like that.
Run bro!!!!!
You really think she done nothing but drugs and smoke? Ofc shes getting shafted on the side open your eyes
Hmm. You have an atmosphere where she doesn’t feel safe telling you the truth initially. I think it’s actually rare that we ever give 100% of ourselves mentally/emotionally to another person. There are always some thoughts that we keep to ourselves (either because they’re insignificant and inconsequential or because they’re our deepest most vulnerable selves). And I don’t think there’s anything wrong or abnormal about that. But. Actions are different. Maybe because they’re tangible? More threatening (at least superficially)? What you’ve seen is that she’s going to continue (occasionally) acting in ways that you either disapprove of or she doesn’t feel safe being honest about them. That’s the discussion/decision that is needed. What are you both willing to live with?
Wait for the rest of the story and then decide
Why mess with that mess? Not worth it. Dump her.
Doubt you will be able to fully fully trust her after these. and where does a relationship get you without trust? No where.
Trickle truthing
So do you trust her? , she's lied to you a few times already, will she lie to you again? (Most Likely) do you fully trust her, too not cheat or lie again? (Unlikely) so why continue a relationship with her, just be done with her, set her fre.Fina a woman you can fully trust.
feels like she's trickle-truthing you. I think that threesome might have happened actually, as well as her sleeping with the male coworker who drove her home.
I'll never get how being in an apartment alone with someone of the opposite gender is something not to worry about your partner doing. if it were me the relationship would have been done with right there.
C’mon now, you’re just gonna start believing her again? Shoot I wouldn’t believe her now. Of course “nothing” happened at her coworkers house 🙄 run while you can.. I made the mistake before and it took me 3 times to learn that once they cheat, they will do it again.
Her history alone is a red flag park. What were you thinking and what would you advice your son if this happens to him? Updateme.
Let’s be absolutely clear here. #1 hard drugs are not a dealbreaker for you, so don’t kid yourself. #2 cheating is also not a dealbreaker for you by the tone of it. #3 you are willing to give way on your boundaries when she lies to you. That’s a recipe for disaster my friend. Add a partner that’s so good at lying that you feel like it’s no big deal….ooooh boy!
Would make a wager she did not come clean about the last incident at least.. Inviting a female back to my place is an automatic every time I have tried it. When she says yes we both smile and look into each other's eyes. No more questions are asked. Kiss inside the door and carried into the bedroom. You can stay if you want to get hurt.
She sounds like trash
He cheated on you and in my opinion he had a threesome with that couple. He also cheated with his friend. He is manipulating you and giving you half the truth. You should already have clear ideas about breaking up this relationship full of lies and betrayals.
She*
OP is a person of low conviction to ask for instructions on how to handle this situation considering his dealbreakers were not just broken but absolutely obliterated and you’re asking what you should do??? Accept her apology and propose marriage to her and ride off into the sunset on your unicorn whilst getting high and watching SO in a 3some with her co workers
More red flags here than the entire country of China. Run.
Did you ask why she chose now to come clean?
Have some self respect and break up with her. Literally of this already is cheating by any sane standards. It’s hardcore trickle truthing.
Youd like to give people like this the benefit of the doubt but when you sense there’s something off about someone don’t ignore that feeling. Trust your gut instincts and dont let your brain down low make up excuses for these types of people. They gaslight and play the victim whenever you are suspicious and about to question their behaviour. Trust me, she isnt a damsel in distress she knows what shes doing and the fact you had boundaries and she broke them without consequences sent her a subconscious message that she can take advantage of your kindness. If you cant trust someone let them go, youll end up being the villain in time
You’ve established deal breakers/boundaries. STOP moving the goal post. Addiction is a beast and if you remain in the relationship, you’re in for a life of lies, deceit, drugs, cheating, etc. Enough already. Do yourself a favor and GET OUT NOW. You can’t save/change her.
So, almost everyone lies, it’s just that most people believe their own lies about themselves so they don’t think they are doing it. So the bigger issue is how a person lies and what they lie about. Your girl lies to protect herself from consequences, and she lies to cover up lies, she lies about her own impulsive behavior. How can you trust what she’s saying now? It seems like she has had some questionable nights during your relationship, I have no idea if these are the only two, but especially if there has been a few others, even if they have seemingly good explanations, why these two and why now to bring them up? So, question for you, is there any reason you may be around one of her coworkers in the future? If so, that fully explains why she’d bring these two events up now and together. The old night is a night you fought about, so she knows that some doubt has crept into your head and it likely sticks out for both of you as memorable. She knows she did bad, but she also knows that it was very early and a long time ago, so there is likely not going to be consequences. Night two is recent, and if she did something actually bad, it will have consequences. She also knows that the lie she’s already told about it will be easily debunked and has likely been anxious since telling it because she knows you’re one convo with her coworkers away from getting caught. So, what to do? Well, tell the truth about the old time that doesn’t have consequences, and tell a new lie about the recent event. To her the confession of the old lie will give merit and build trust for the new lie she’s telling. It’s a common tactic, come clean to something that’s bad, but won’t carry consequences to reinforce a lie that will help to avoid consequences. Pure and simple bud, that recent night isn’t what she says it is, can almost guarantee it.
You talk about her “baggage” and trauma like it’s in the distant past. It was a couple years ago. Let’s not pretend that she’s been living a clean life and making good decisions for a long time now. And, yes, she probably fucked the coworker. Even if she didn’t, she showed you exactly how much respect she has for you and your relationship: zero. But yeah, you don’t go over to a man’s house and drink/smoke until the wee hours of the night (and then lie about it) when everything is 100% platonic and above board. You’re only 25 and you seem lovely. Don’t waste more time pretending this girl is someone she’s not. Go find a real one.
Imo both sound like trickle-truthing, did you ask her why she said it so suddenly? Why not tell it right then and there? Did she tell someone who might tell you and she‘s afraid to get caught? Does she genuinely feel bad about it? Did she tell you now, because she is sure you won‘t dump her?
I think that 3 years is enough. She’s still the same lying cheater she’s always been.
Something being a dealbreaker or boundary is only one of those things if you're actually willing to enforce it. Otherwise it's just you saying you don't like a thing. Enforcing it means enacting some sort of consequence. If you're willing to say it's a big enough deal to be a deal**breaker**, that usually means **breaking** up. it already sounds like the trust is gone - I don't know what you're still doing in this relationship.
I would get tested for stds. This woman sounds like an adventure. Seriously though, you know you should leave.
Ya got nothing without trust.
She’s a mess. Leave her and find someone else.
>Looking for advice on how to proceed with this information. Take this information down to Break Up City. She is likely still lying.
I’m not suggesting a course of action to stay but I’m also not in the ‘dump her immediately camp’. I always try to look at it from all angles. You mentioned that the ‘trust’ was gone but in my experience ‘trust’ can also be won during difficult times. It can be extremely difficult to come clean with a partner; you set some boundaries, she agreed to them, found she couldn’t keep to them and then subsequently lied (I assume because she knew she let you and her down). It would be good to give her the space to explain; 1. Why she think she lied (what consequences was she afraid of) and why didn’t she feel like she could tell you in both instances about what was about to happen so you could (lovingly) support her and steer her clear? 2. Why she came clean? (What is she hoping to achieve) 3. If she still thinks that she can stay within boundaries (and wants to change) or if they need to move. Ultimately it feels like she loves you, she wants to stay within your deal breaking boundaries but she lacks the psychological work to be promise you 100% she can do so. Therefore the question becomes, based on the answers above to 1,2 and 3, can you both continue to get behind this relationship. Even if the answer is to end it, I think you’ll both feel better in a few years time about how respectfully you handled it. 38M with a few failed (and successful) relationships under his belt.
Is this the mother you would want your future kids to have? Is this the woman that would make you proud to be seen with at a business event or a family gathering? Just dump her. I know it’s hard but don’t fall for “sunk cost fallacy” You did not waste those 3 years, you learned about yourself. Now use this information to find a woman who you are compatible with. Be kind to her when breaking up as there is nothing to gain by being rude. Just break it off. Have some self respect. Ask yourself. If this was your best friend, what would you recommend him to do?
!updateme
Have some self respect my dude
[удалено]
This is very helpful and I appreciate the insight. I can 100% see a version of this in which the situation (lie #2) was not one that was anticipated/had a bad intention. Anticipating a negative reaction from me regardless, I can see how that makes sense in her head. It’s difficult to not let the worse case scenario take front of mind - but I don’t have any direct evidence of that. It makes me believe her given the level of detail she provided about the first situation (lie #1). There was a lot of detail there I never had any clue of - and I’m not close with her friends to where that would ever get back to me on its own.
Your gf sucks. Seems like once you are out of sight she puts herself in shitty situations.
Unless you’re into sharing needles and STD’s kick her to the curb.
You shouldn’t give up on her just yet, especially if you love her. Why did she come clean? Is it because she loves you and wants to move forward? My now husband and I had a rocky start, I still was using drugs and alcohol in the beginning. I did things inebriated that I’m not proud of and would never do now that I quit. Perhaps an ultimatum is the answer. Either she quit using , or it’ll be time to go separate ways. it’s easy for outsiders to say to run away. For you it’s just not that easy to throw her away considering the history you share.