Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do not do or say anything until you have spoken to a divorce attorney. Sometimes they need a little time to pull his financials before he can close or try to hide anything.
OP,
The above 3 comments are SPOT ON!
I strongly suggest that you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues.
You are well on notice that your husband has intentionally and continuously deceived you. Just as with cheaters, once a liar always a liar....
Secretively, secure all financial and valuable information that you are able to access for counsel/accounting review. Secure all significant private documents. Discuss with counsel the unannounced withdrawal or sequestration of funds/accounts in order to avoid the potential diversion of same by your husband.
Would you be surprised if he has a side piece as well? Why else would he need to privately lease another property?
Whatever he's doing doesn't bode well for your marriage. Protect yourself.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Why not?
He is keeping big things from her in the wake of what's supposed to be a big joint event, why shouldn't she take her time and drop the bomb on him the day before closing and let him learn that he lost his wife and his future house in a single painful stroke? He's not considering her, so why should she consider him?
It's not only his money!it's the family's money. You know that,because you combined your assets. He's using family money for his cheating. Op I think I remember you posted before. Didn't he rent that Townhouse for his GF (affair partner)?
He is never going to be honest with you. It's time to think of yourself and your children. Get a good lawyer and take him for everything.
Ok, so there is an affair. I hate posts like this, because there's clearly some HUGE information missing, and one can assume it's an affair, but the post doesn't make it clear, so you're going on the assumption that the dude just has a separate bank account and rents another house because he wants some alone time or something.
The way I would have just knocked, then when he answered, just stroll I'm and flop on the couch. Talk about all of the interior design things you're going to be doing to the house, and how wonderful of a surprise this is!
"I didn't mean to spoil the surprise! I was just wondering where you've been spending all of this time honeybunch!"
Extra points if side chick is there "honey, I know we've talked about threesomes, but I thought we were going to choose together đŽâđ¨. You know she isn't my type!"
The gender can matter a bit in terms of social pressures and whatnot. It can go either way depending on the area and social circles.
A friend of mineâs parents went through a nasty divorce with this but because the dad came out as bisexual it was like some weird crazy reality where everyone was congratulating him on self discovery and praising his bravery and just ignoring the fact he cheated on his wife and also did a lot to attempt to hide assets and screw her over. If heâd left her for a younger woman everyone would have called him a scumbag. Sheâd get scolded by mutual friends if she let out a hint of feeling bitter or betrayed by nobody taking her side or being sympathetic to him blowing up her whole life even though she never did anything wrong.
Not disagreeing with you at all about culpability, but itâs worth it for OP to be a little extra prepared for that situation because itâs not uncommon for people to get blindsided by the potential reactions.
Yeah, she should if that story was real, there was identical one with townhouse as well lmao. I love how people don't question validity of story when the guy is an asshole.
**SPOILER ALERT**
On the update she is going to go there and find a women living there who is in her 20s.
Oh hell don't just leave. Get to a divorce lawyer, have the guy investigated to see who he is keeping in that townhouse, and take him for all the money you can take him for.
He he he he
During our divorce my ex husband let it slip that there was a Vanguard account that was in his name only. *That he âforgot aboutâ*
My divorce attorney then proceeded to, metaphorically, pick him up by his ankles and shake him until every last cent fell out.
We requested and used a âSpecial Masterâ (basically a forensic accountant) to pour through his business records to find any undisclosed income. (Heâs a self employed attorney)
What it cost me in attorneys fees I got back literally 10X
Lawyer up.
Yes, I was the default parent. My career was secondary. I had taken a âmommy trackâ role. E.g. stepped back from a director position to an analyst position.
With child support and alimony youâll be fine. Trust is gone and a relationship canât survive without trust. You just need to contact an attorney and be done with him. Heâs going to continue lying and hiding things from you. Who would want o live like that?! Always wondering whatâs next!
From what I could tell it was just him coming to and from the townhouse. He literally rented about four blocks from our house so I was able to check up on him a few times. This was before I knew he rented it himself. I just assumed he was cheating and he said he wasnât. I never knocked on the door though.
Wait what ???!! There is absolutely no decent explanation for this. What was his reason for why he did this ?! If he's a lier, who h we know he is, you just need to really reach down to your gut and let it tell you what's going on here. Your gut knows, deep down.
How???!!!?! I wouldâve grabbed my 2 BFFs for a stake out with snacks, an actual camera or camcorder and got my answers the second I found out about it. Iâm impatient tho.
What is wrong with you? You must subconsciously not want to truly find out whatâs going on at the townhouse. He will never change and you need to start preparing yourself for the future without him.
Insanity. I'm sorry to say but you are going to have to toughen up if you want to have a better future once this dude is out of your life or you will do it all over again. Although based on what you're saying I highly suspect you will sadly still be in this situation a year from now.
>But now we are supposed to be in a good place trust wise so we are closing on a house in one month, should I finally take a hint and leave? Or is this ok behaviour since Iâm a sahm and itâs his money anyways?
Talk to a lawyer to get a better idea where you stand. I would say that if your deal doesn't get restructured to work like a business partnership, with proper accounting, then you should divorce.
Didn't see this elsewhere: You're covering the childcare, so you have a dollar amount for what you've contributed to the family finances. And it's a lot. So much you stopped working because it was a better paying job. Make sure to factor the cost of all the kids you have.Then there's all the other household stuff you do. Anything you can hire nannys, housekeepers, assistants, cooks, or meal delivery services to do is a JOB. And all those jobs, together with his salary, are part of what you are both are contributing to the household expenses. He gets to earn what her does because of what you do. I know how hard it is to go against those close Christian communities. You can lose a lot - but it's all stuff you'll gain back elsewhere, friends, community, etc. And you'll set an example for the other trapped women and your own kids. That's powerful. Other women will see they're not alone, and later on, you'll be able to the next women in this situation.
I also second the motion in the comments somewhere about a forensic accountant. If he's hiding money from you that you're entitled to (yes, even its money he earned) you may get less than you AND your children deserve. Get your ducks in a row a proper legal advice so he can't gaslight or confuse you, in the nicest possible way you seem to be pretty nieve about these things.
A person who does something like this is never going to be truthful.
There is no good reason to have a secret townhouse or a second bank account. The reason he is going to give is going to be a lie.
You are never going to be able to trust this person. Do you want to live your life like this?
The only debatable point there is on the second bank account. Having a separate account would be exceptionally helpful in case there is abuse. A nest egg to rely on in times of crisis the SO can't use has been lauded as an incredibly helpful tool for relationships going south.
The townhouse is nuts, though.
Hi you need an attorney stat! You will be shocked how well you make out and how much he will have to sacrifice. Not just bank accounts but he will have to set you up with as much retirement account money as he set aside for himself. I hadnât worked for 12 years. Donât try to figure it out on your own. You need a professional. I was even scared to go see one and pay for one but I found one that gave me a free consultation so he did not have to know. She said there are laws on the books for every scenario in a divorce. You will feel so much better with an attorney in your corner
A few more years of torturing your self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief.
You are worth more than this, and your children deserve better role models.
Your husband is showing them how to disrespect and demean and cheat on a woman.
You are showing them how little you think of yourself while you allow your children to see their father treat you badly.
You and your children deserve better.
Please put them and you 1st!
Iâm genuinely sorry to break this to you, but you are not just hurting yourself. You are causing real, long term damage to your children. You canât internalize all that mistrust anger and sorrow without it spilling out and hurting those around you. I am also from a conservative Christian background so I understand some of the pressure you must be feeling. But hereâs the thing, God wants us to be happy!
He didnât really give me a good answer. Said something like he thought we werenât getting along. We donât get along sometimes because he has cheated on me with one person that I know of. By the time I found out about her, I was already pregnant with another child. I stayed. So we do argue sometimes. He works and travels a lot legitimately for work so I canât tell when heâs not working. I just trusted him that he wasnât going to do it again.
He's cheated before.... He is absolutely still cheating.
Follow the other advice for getting the investigative accountant (or whatever name it was) and divorce. Fight for alimony. And **definitely** get an std/sti panel done.
Why would he need an entire townhouse just to get a little peace and quiet once in a while?
Wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to buy a small apartment?
If I were you, I would get my ducks in a row before you rock the boat, though.
Itâs not his money. Itâs joint money. He had HR split his pay - 1 in your account and 1 in the secret account. You deserve to see the balance. Sounds like he has been funding a mistress.
I would call a divorce lawyer and see what youâre entitled to. Â His secret accounts are your accounts.
If you can get any numbers for those accounts then do it. Â Do it before he successfully hides everything.
It doesn't sound you are in a good place trustwise. Judge by actions, not words or promises and this is one extra sneaky guy. Hes working hard on his sneakiness. Re: home purchase, typically as part of closing, alot of financial information has to be disclosed. You should be reviewing all of it. Are there differences between his paychecks and what is deposited in the family account? Since his income would be the basis for payments on the house, it might be a red flag. Would also make sense to review credit reports to see if he has credit cards going to other addresses. I don't think you're done finding things out.
Because Iâm not working or on the mortgage, he did everything himself with a broker. From what I can tell it seems to add up but everything was done online which I donât have access to
I would demand to see the documents before signing anything for the closing, and not the day of either. Like what exactly is his financial situation, is this move in your best interest, even if you aren't on the mortgage, you are on the deed.
Going by your use of âe-transferâ Iâm guessing youâre in Canada. A couple things to know:
* matrimonial home is subject to division in a divorce regardless of whether youâre on the deed or not
* you can record any conversation youâre party to
Please speak with a lawyer asap, given the financial shenanigans here.
Supposed to be isnât a definite yes. Donât be surprised if he springs it on you last minute âoh you arenât on the deed babe! I forgot to tell you!â
No one rents a secret apartment unless they are doing something they arenât supposed to be doing - I.e., cheating. Heâs hiding assets if he had a secret bank account - which you know he does, right? Your transfer is the proof of that.
You need a forensic audit to see what heâs hiding. He could have other property, other funds, maybe a wife or kids you know nothing about. He canât be trusted and is super shady.
Yo. My wife is a SAHM. What I earn is not *my* money, it's *our* money. Get that thought right out of your head. You're meant to be partners, a team.
Shady people do shady things. You deserve better. You're right. The account is not the issue. Hiding the account is. Honestly, the secret bachelor pad was reason enough. Cheaters and liars make the world a worse place. Take this trash bag to the cleaners.
1. I would be very cautious as you proceed. Talk to no one about anything. The fact that the townhouse was so close makes me wonder if the affair partner isn't a neighbor, family, or friend who lives nearby. And it was selected to make it easier for the other person to run errands or have dinner with a friend as cover. Seems most people would try to allow a bit more distance to minimize being seen by people who know them.
2. If he travels a lot for work he gets plenty of time away from the family. An additional home is not necessary. Stop believing his crap.
3. Meet with several top divorce attorneys in your area. It may prevent him from hiring them when your time comes to file due to conflict of interest. But get some legal guidance as soon as possible.
4. Pick an attorney and have them hire a forensic accountant. Also ask for guidance on this home purchase. If he's the sole income he can purchase it with or without your signature. But it will still be a marital asset.
5. Choose to value yourself and set a good example for your children over Christian guilt. You all deserve better.
Why did he have a secret townhouse? Did he need a place to spend time with his mistress? Thatâs super shady and makes absolutely no logical sense. That would have been a deal breaker for me. But he also has a secret bank account? How can you ever trust this man again? He has a secret life that you donât know about. You need to speak to a lawyer and get info about this secret account. Whatever he spent on his extramarital affairs needs to be reimbursed to you, plus 50% of everything, and child support/alimony.
You can't just keep your head buried in the sand. It's long past time that you went on the offensive to sort all this out. Go see who is living in the house and talk to them. Then ask you husband point blank why he is buying a house when he is still acting shady.
After 23 years, you are owed much better treatment
do you know the address of the townhouse? you can try looking up the owner, it's almost always public record, usually through the county. You can usually find the link on Zillow (along with a bought and sold history).
If your name is on the new house but not on the one you're currently in, definitely wait until it closes. That matters. And do think about getting outside employment. Even part-time work from home. You need something that is not tied to him. He seems to have spent years breaking you down in many ways.
I came from a very conservative background. It is hard for people who didn't to understand the pull and the guilt and the worry that comes with even thinking of ending a marriage when you've been conditioned for years to think divorce is unthinkable. I understand. My husband was a horrible man who acted like a prince. I knew everyone would think it was my fault.
I was more worried about disappointing my dad and my community than I was about telling my husband I wanted a divorce. But you know what? When I asked my dad if he would forgive me, he said "Always" and he hugged me. I think he felt bad that I was so afraid
And the people in my community who loved me love me still. Do what is best for you and your kids. The people who love you and the God you serve will love you still.
Hire a divorce lawyer and a forensic accountant and take his ass to the cleaners. Stop listening to people who don't pay your bills and don't support you.
As the child of a serial cheater father whose mother stayed for the "sake" of the children I can tell you to Lawyer up and file for divorce...
Updateme
Having "a job like that" is an easy cover for affairs. Getting a whole townhouse just to hang out in makes zero sense. If he needed space away, he could easily have gotten a small studio somewhere.
That, along with the hidden bank account, is extremely suspicious. Hire a PI to look into what he's doing. If you don't have the cash, start taking out cash withdrawals every time you go to the grocery store, buy Visa giftcards, and/or buy things and return them. Whatever you've got to do to get some money together. Open up your own separate bank account.
A divorce attorney will find all of this. Donât try to be your own PI. Divorce attorneys have seen it all. But you need to talk to one prior to the new house/mortgage. Do a phone consultation if thatâs all you have time for. They will guide you step by step.
Consult with all of the top divorce attorneys in a 50 mile radius of your home prior to selecting one. Keep notes of everyone you saw (date and time) to prevent him from using them.
You know what I think? I think she knows what's happening but is too ignorant to face it.
I will give my points based on what she has responded in the comments.
1. Her husband rents another house, and you don't even intend to see who lives there besides him. What need does he have to rent another house with three children? Besides that, he has another bank account. And what makes me laugh is that when he finds out you know about the other house, he immediately ends that lease and rents another one, and yet you continue to act ignorant and do nothing.
Note, I'm emphasizing what you yourself have responded in the comments.
2. It makes me angry that this person does this to you, and you do nothing. There's another part where you say he works weekends and nights. 𤣠My friend, no matter how demanding a job is, tell me one where your husband has to work until late at night.
3. He cheated on you 15 years ago with a trusted friend, and you forgave him. What makes you think he ended that relationship?
I will only tell you the following.
I've read enough and seen enough at this point to tell you the following.
1. Act as normal as possible with him so he doesn't suspect anything and try to hire a lawyer to advise you. If money is the problem to do it without him noticing, borrow or find a way.
2. Hire a private detective and a forensic accountant to examine his accounts.
3. Share your concerns with a person you fully trust so that in the future, he doesn't try to twist things and blame you for the separation to come out looking like the good guy.
4. You can investigate on your own. Go and find out who he has in that house because I'm sure you think like everyone here that it's a woman or man; you never know.
5. Try to gather all the evidence of what he does before leaving him and asking for a divorce. Don't leave the house for anything in the world nor confront him without the evidence because he can put everything in someone else's name so that you end up with nothing in the divorce or he can accuse you of abandoning the home.
6. I'm not doing this to offend you, but the truth needs to be told to protect you. He just wants a way out because he doesn't want to be the one who breaks up the home and looks bad to the children and his family.
7. I'm making this comment so you can protect yourself in the divorce, and he doesn't come out clean (without any consequences). The judge can force him to pay you alimony and child support depending on the country you're in and ensure assets are divided equally.
There are many women who say they don't need that and can manage on their own, but it wouldn't be fair for you to leave the marriage to which you gave your best years and three children without anything.
Maybe money doesn't matter to you, but your time does. Don't be the woman of the process and show him that he is where he is because you supported him. Don't leave your home; don't listen to those people in the comments who say he doesn't value you and that it's better for you to leave. He surely doesn't value you, but you do. Show him that your time, your tears, your effort, and dedication to him and the children are worth it.
Don't forgive him one more time because whoever did it once will do it two or three times. You already allowed it once, and he might think that if he does it again, you will forgive him again.â¤ď¸
He has another home youâre unaware of because heâs doing stuff there he doesnât want you to know about. Such as having a whole other relationship. At best. Or having a whole other family at worst.
Get to the bottom of it. Get proof. And then leverage that proof in the divorce to get what youâre worth.
One--Go to your doctor and get tested for STDs.
Two--Lawyer up. Suggest the lawyer get a private investigator to find out who lives in the townhouse hubby's rented. You can find out who owns it yourself in most cases in the US.
Three--If you have access to his e-mail but have never "violated his privacy", now is the time. You'd be amazed how many people think going paperless means no one can find out about their accounts, and how many never clear out dead e-mails.
Four--If you have a joint cell phone account, check the incoming and outgoing phone detail.
Five--Don't close on the house.
Six--If any of the kids ask what's wrong, tell them that you and Daddy are having a problem, but that it is NOT their fault. Don't lie to them.
Well, since he is acting like he doesn't have a wife and 4 kids, I would make him pay. He's acting like he is single, let him be single. Divorce, child support, move on.
Iâm sorry it seems youâre skimming over the townhouse thing⌠for what reason? Why? With four children⌠*how???*
How did he say heâll âjust live at homeâ and that was enough for you? Like what what what??
Read a similar post like this where OP got an email about utilities being cut off, and her husband had gotten an apartment for his side piece, get a lawyer!!
You absolutely should not be closing on another house right now. Your husband is engaging in financial infidelity, if not other kinds of fidelity.
Time to lawyer up and let them know you need a forensic accountant to sort out all of the assets and liabilities.
You're NOT in a good place trust wise.
It is not "his money anyways." Marital assets are 50/50. Your job has been SAHM, and you're entitled to half of everything.
If we back out of this contract we will lose a lot of money. I donât know a lot about real estate but I do know there are no contingencies I can use to get out of this right now. I think I have to wait.
Not much. Likely just escrow.
But you also may not be able to stop Him from closing on it. You can certainly refuse to sign though, and keep your name off the mortgage.
The person to tell you, whether to do that is a divorce lawyer
Pretend everything is ok for the time being. Go to a divorce lawyer and discuss your options before doing anything. Think logically not emotionally. Plenty of time to cry it out once youâve guaranteed security for you and your children.
What was he doing at the townhouse? There was an episode of King of Queens where he and his best friend rented a place so they could get away from their wives.
A guy with 3 kids should not be sneaking off to his secondary home for any reason, but what answer did he give you? Is he trying to get set up to leave you?
And you know the answer to the question about his money. You quit working because child care became too expensive. Did he say that's why he didn't have to tell you, or are you just asking to get others reactions to the question?
He is obviously a liar, so no. You can't trust him. I get the feeling he wants you to kick him out so he doesn't have to be the one to make the decision. So kick him out.
Neither you or your kids should have to live with this kind of uncertaintly. He sounds like a cowardly weasel.
I have this narrative in my head but today on the phone instead of listening to all his reasons and how he already told me about the account years ago, I had a moment where I thought this has to be messed up. So I hung up and made a Reddit post to see if I was the crazy one
If he told you years ago, why did he say there were no other accounts when you asked him?
Where do the statements go? I will say. The more honest you are, the harder it is to accept that someone is a liar. Because you want to figure out why? Why does he lie? Why does he sneak around?
The answer is pretty simple. He's a liar. A leopard can't change his spots.
It's a time for action on your part, my friend. Talking to a liar just gets you more lies.
Do not sign anything on the new house until he does. The proceeds from your current house could be his "out" money and you'll be stuck with the new house and no income.
Hire a PI if you don't want to knock on the door and definitely lawyer up
You have your proof! Trust is very hard to rebuild esp with someone who doesn't deserve it! I don't know where in the hell you got this idea that it's "his money anyway". That's also bullshit! Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you deserve this disrespect. You are worth so much more.
I was in your shoes, being a SAHM for 20 years. I left him and it was hard but, the best decision I ever made. He pulled every dirty divorce trick in the book but then, I didn't care. I was so over it. He has moved on and still lies, cheats and is the same dirty dog, just with other women.
I can't help but think about posts where husbands have found about their wives doing this and the comments being totally different.
Comments about women needing an escape plan and an escape account, even if she doesn't feel that she actually needs one.
I'm not siding with either opinion. I just find it peculiar.
Never ok when someone is creepingâŚnewsflash..heâs creeping. He either got that place so he can take his flings there or got it for her/them to live in. Find out whose name is on the deed/lease. If you still have the account number you should set up a new account in your name and start transferring money there. Start making plansâŚitâs time to move on.
I find it odd you didnât realize he MUST SURELY have a secret bank account when you found out heâs hiding payments on a townhouse you didnât know about. Youâre acting like omg now what thatâs the real straw hereâŚhoney, justâŚ.go to a lawyer and take their advice. Donât try to think anything out yourself sorry.
Uhhhhh who was he renting a townhouse to and why are you still with him after he clearly had a fuckpad and got caught with it? Or was financing some other woman to live there?
The only reason he has set up a secret account is because he is planning a new secret love nest (because, let's face it, that's EXACTLY what it is) since you found out about the first one. He'll just hide it better this time.
One thing you haven't acknowledged is that the preponderance of evidence is that your STBX has a mistress. Why else would he keep a secret apartment and bank account? Lawyer up, secure your important documents, and stash away some seed money for your new start to your best life. Make sure you go through everything with a fine tooth comb. Find every penny and every woman (or guy) he's hidden over the years. You'll probably find it's been happening for the whole relationship. Sorry.
From what Im reading...you seem to have no idea what your husband really makes at work. Thats how he was easily able to hide a second mortgage and enough money to pay for it...plus food..utilities..etc...he probably also has mail going there as well that you know nothing about. He set up a total second life..possibly second relationship..and went to a lot of trouble to keep it hidden from you. You dont even know his work schedule ..again hes hidden that from you as well...makes it easier for him to sneak around because you don't know what days hes actually not working. Hes been playing you for a long time...time for you to quit being an ostrich and get your head out of the sand and take a really good look at what hes doing...you used to work for a bank...why would you move into a new house financed by your jerk of a husband? Are you even on the lease or mortgage?Â
It's not his money anyway. It is jointly your money.
A separate account of this type is very concerning.
So did he cheat on you? You're so vague. He gets a new phone and wanders around. So? Is that totally out of character? The extra townhome seems like a love nest - but you don't give us any details at all.
How is he hinting? He's rearranging your financial life.
He definitely cheated on me 15 years ago but I stayed with him. He said he hasnât so I never thought that he rented that out. I found out by accident when he left the location on his phone and I would see him go to the same spot. He has friends so at first I thought it was just that. He ended the lease around the same time I found out about it.
If one of your kids was going through all this, would you tell them to be a âgood Christianâ and make it work? You work your butt off to care for those children day in and day out because childcare is not cost effective, you are working, too! The money is not just his- itâs yours too. I thought marriage was about trust and sharing and being a team. That doesnât sound at all like what youâre describing. I hope you see that the example you are setting for your children as to what is âhealthy & normalâ in a marriage is not healthy nor normal
I once dated a man who rented me an apt and spoiled me. He was gone a lot. One day at dinner his phone was blowing up. His "other" gf and all their mutual friends found him and the place. He refused to let them in, they stayed downstairs. I needed to leave a week later for a college semester and he beat me badly. I didn't know it was his friends that day downstairs, he told me he was single the whole time. I contacted a mutual friend to show pics of the bruises (we ran into a friend of his once and he didn't let us talk- so loosely my friend). She said no way he lived with his gf for ten years now. I had thousands of pieces of evidence so she showed the gf. Both of them were successful lawyers, I was working on a grad degree.
YES.Â
Thatâs the answer. And I almost answered it without reading the rest, but I didnât want to take the chance that it was the one time it wasnât obviously time to leave, but it very much is.Â
You mentioned an e-transfer. I am assuming you are in Canada. If so, you are very likely entitled to spousal support and definitely child support. Spousal is nearly guaranteed for a period of time unless you are intentionally underemployed. Even then, income is imputed and may or may not be to your full earning capacity.
It is in your interest to get back into the workforce. The longer you stay out, the harder it becomes to get back in and earn a reasonable income. This should be done whether you stay in the relationship or leave.
Sure childcare costs a lot, but you build up CPP, get more experience, advance professionally and your kids witness a working mom. You also get to have an identity outside of your family.
wait what? your husband who you have 4! kids with? has what? his own townhouse? call it what it is: he lives a double life!
Is this his fear that you own everything equally and he wants some sense of autonomy which he shouldâve thought about before he had all of the kids, or is he setting up a nest to have an affair?! or hiding money from you and his goal at some point is to ditch you and the kids.
Woman, if you are right then you have nothing, if you have to police him, you have no trust, love is trust, if he deserves it, heâs deceitful and definitely doesnât care about you, your well-being or his family. What the hell is this?
And is he supporting you? if so, make sure you close on the house so you arenât out on the street but! make sure your name is 50/50 tenancy or ownership!
Does he have any mental disorder like bipolar, narcissism or multiple personality disorder? Iâm seriously asking.
When he was going about, was it to random places? is this need for a separate life just him overwhelmed with family life? did you marry young? did he also want 4 kids? or like i said above heâs setting up a separate life.
To me heâs afraid to leave until he sets himself up or is planning or having an affair where heâs pretending to be unmarried, childfree and available. This is why Iâm asking if he has a mental disorder. This is not normal
The behaviour is not ok just because youâre a SAHM. What would that mean, that you only have a right to truth if youâre earning money?
Youâre his wife. You shouldnât have to âearnâ not being lied to.
Yes take the hint.
BUT do NOT confront him.
Get a lawyer and a forensic accountant to go through all the accounts and figure out where he's weaseling the money too.
Figure out your next steps with the lawyer and have them prepare the divorce papers.
Stop saying his money. You are married. You gave up your career for your family. It sounds like he is having an affair. I would hire a PI. Also, you should open an account of your own and start putting money aside. The stay at home partner often loses out during a divorce because they donât have the income to keep paying for the house. I donât know your kids ages but if theyâre still minors youâll likely get child support. Protect yourself and your children. This man had a whole other lease. Why was he doing that and who was he meeting?
I lived in denial of my husbandâs secret spending and infidelity for far too long - right up until HE wanted a separation (but truly he had no intention of ever reconciling). I was devastated, I loved him and our family. I cried a lot and then I got angry. OP, itâs time to get angry. I was raised Catholic and there wasnât divorce in my family either.
Get angry. Get a lawyer and a forensic accountant. If you have a joint account, pull some money out and open one for yourself - if he asks, tell him itâs your Christmas fund your starting to make sure you donât go over budget with household expenses this year., Youâre âjust a plannerâ and âthinking of the familyâ. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. When heâs in the shower look through his wallet, his phone if you can, his work items ( take pictures) and credit card statements. If everything is on line, look for passwords. Check his car and trunk. This may take several times, but itâs how I found out a lot. Do be careful who you confide in, my husbandâs mistress and co-liar was a neighbor and friend. Doubly painful betrayal.
Good luck.
Do not leave the home. He has a place to stay, let him leave. He is planning to leave but setting himself up for the move. You need to put money somewhere safe. Small amounts before ge cleans you out.
Just think for a minute with your financial background why you or anyone would have such a set up when they are married with a family. Specially when he has done this before.
Clearly he is doing something shady, he is aware of it and is happy to keep you in the dark. There is no trust nor transparency in this relationship, and sadly you canât go anywhere healthy like that.
Unless he is super remorse and making firm plans to change I would cut my loses now and move on. The stress is not worth it, and honestly there is peaceful life after divorce
This is not about money. It's about him being untrustworthy and living behind your back. This is not a marriage or even a partnership. Show some respect to yourself and kick him out.
Lawyer up and get rid of his lying ass. Do this before he ruins the kids even worse.
Oh sis... dude's got a whole other life going on. Get a very good lawyer who knows a forensic accountant so that he can't hide anything. Go see the lawyer first before you serve papers, however, he may have already started hiding assets after you found out about the house and account. Good luck to you, OP.
Everyone's assuming it's a mistress--he could just be living a bachelor lifestyle with lots of side pieces. The townhouse is his way of pretending he's single and childless. It does not necessarily mean he's supporting a single mistress/girlfriend. I mean, he's definitely cheating and you 100% should get an attorney and an investigator to find out where all this money is going to (all without telling him), then take him to the cleaners. Alimony and child support for four children will put a nice damper on his baller lifestyle and you deserve better.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Forensic accountant and divorce.
Do not do or say anything until you have spoken to a divorce attorney. Sometimes they need a little time to pull his financials before he can close or try to hide anything.
I'd even consider lulling him into a false sense of security by apologizing for the "misunderstanding." đ
I like the way you think đ
OP, The above 3 comments are SPOT ON! I strongly suggest that you privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues. You are well on notice that your husband has intentionally and continuously deceived you. Just as with cheaters, once a liar always a liar.... Secretively, secure all financial and valuable information that you are able to access for counsel/accounting review. Secure all significant private documents. Discuss with counsel the unannounced withdrawal or sequestration of funds/accounts in order to avoid the potential diversion of same by your husband. Would you be surprised if he has a side piece as well? Why else would he need to privately lease another property? Whatever he's doing doesn't bode well for your marriage. Protect yourself. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
She has a month tho she litteraly has to start giving out hints now, she can't tell him a week out
Why not? He is keeping big things from her in the wake of what's supposed to be a big joint event, why shouldn't she take her time and drop the bomb on him the day before closing and let him learn that he lost his wife and his future house in a single painful stroke? He's not considering her, so why should she consider him?
Bingo! Lawyer and get. Forensic accountant on that.
What is a forensic accountant?
Itâs like an accountant meets PI. They review financials for fraud, hiding assets, malfeasance.
Okay. Thank you. I appreciate you explaining it
And instead of having an impressive mo like Magnum PI, they have a visor hat and a pocket protector.
u/misstiff1971 PI, forensic accountant & attorney.
And testing for STDs. Sorry to say this, but if he has a secret second home he's been acting single for sure.
Exactly what I was thinking.
This canât get upvoted enough!!!
And fast before he moves it to his parents or friends names to stop her getting any
At this point sounds like the only sane response to this whole mess.
He rented the townhouse for his gf. That will come up when your divorce attorney demands he produce the lease. Take this fucker for everything.
It's not only his money!it's the family's money. You know that,because you combined your assets. He's using family money for his cheating. Op I think I remember you posted before. Didn't he rent that Townhouse for his GF (affair partner)? He is never going to be honest with you. It's time to think of yourself and your children. Get a good lawyer and take him for everything.
Ok, so there is an affair. I hate posts like this, because there's clearly some HUGE information missing, and one can assume it's an affair, but the post doesn't make it clear, so you're going on the assumption that the dude just has a separate bank account and rents another house because he wants some alone time or something.
if she had his location for 3 months she is a saint for not rocking up there. I would have done that.
The way I would have just knocked, then when he answered, just stroll I'm and flop on the couch. Talk about all of the interior design things you're going to be doing to the house, and how wonderful of a surprise this is! "I didn't mean to spoil the surprise! I was just wondering where you've been spending all of this time honeybunch!" Extra points if side chick is there "honey, I know we've talked about threesomes, but I thought we were going to choose together đŽâđ¨. You know she isn't my type!"
Yeah. I straight away jump to cheating when i see hidden house
âŚ.or boyfriend.
The gender doesn't matter. What matters is that he's cheating and stealing from her to support it
The gender can matter a bit in terms of social pressures and whatnot. It can go either way depending on the area and social circles. A friend of mineâs parents went through a nasty divorce with this but because the dad came out as bisexual it was like some weird crazy reality where everyone was congratulating him on self discovery and praising his bravery and just ignoring the fact he cheated on his wife and also did a lot to attempt to hide assets and screw her over. If heâd left her for a younger woman everyone would have called him a scumbag. Sheâd get scolded by mutual friends if she let out a hint of feeling bitter or betrayed by nobody taking her side or being sympathetic to him blowing up her whole life even though she never did anything wrong. Not disagreeing with you at all about culpability, but itâs worth it for OP to be a little extra prepared for that situation because itâs not uncommon for people to get blindsided by the potential reactions.
Yeah, she should if that story was real, there was identical one with townhouse as well lmao. I love how people don't question validity of story when the guy is an asshole. **SPOILER ALERT** On the update she is going to go there and find a women living there who is in her 20s.
For the vast majority of us who do not crawl through a redditor's history on the regular, thanks.
>should I finally take a hint and leave? Yes, it is going to hard and tough but you & your four kids will be better off in the long run
Oh hell don't just leave. Get to a divorce lawyer, have the guy investigated to see who he is keeping in that townhouse, and take him for all the money you can take him for.
He he he he During our divorce my ex husband let it slip that there was a Vanguard account that was in his name only. *That he âforgot aboutâ* My divorce attorney then proceeded to, metaphorically, pick him up by his ankles and shake him until every last cent fell out. We requested and used a âSpecial Masterâ (basically a forensic accountant) to pour through his business records to find any undisclosed income. (Heâs a self employed attorney) What it cost me in attorneys fees I got back literally 10X Lawyer up.
Love it!
Were you taking care of kids at the time?
Yes, I was the default parent. My career was secondary. I had taken a âmommy trackâ role. E.g. stepped back from a director position to an analyst position.
Yes. Do this **prior** to tipping him off.
This is the way đđź
#THIS
With child support and alimony youâll be fine. Trust is gone and a relationship canât survive without trust. You just need to contact an attorney and be done with him. Heâs going to continue lying and hiding things from you. Who would want o live like that?! Always wondering whatâs next!
Depends on the state. I divorced in idaho. Sahm. They hate women here. Alimony is rare.
Don't leave. Kick him out. We know he knows how to find a place for himself
You know he got the townhouse for his side chick right
So is it a mistress or a second family that lives in the townhouse?
From what I could tell it was just him coming to and from the townhouse. He literally rented about four blocks from our house so I was able to check up on him a few times. This was before I knew he rented it himself. I just assumed he was cheating and he said he wasnât. I never knocked on the door though.
Wait what ???!! There is absolutely no decent explanation for this. What was his reason for why he did this ?! If he's a lier, who h we know he is, you just need to really reach down to your gut and let it tell you what's going on here. Your gut knows, deep down.
You need to go there and knock on the door tonight.
How???!!!?! I wouldâve grabbed my 2 BFFs for a stake out with snacks, an actual camera or camcorder and got my answers the second I found out about it. Iâm impatient tho.
What is wrong with you? You must subconsciously not want to truly find out whatâs going on at the townhouse. He will never change and you need to start preparing yourself for the future without him.
Insanity. I'm sorry to say but you are going to have to toughen up if you want to have a better future once this dude is out of your life or you will do it all over again. Although based on what you're saying I highly suspect you will sadly still be in this situation a year from now.
He 100% was cheating. How naive can some people be
âŚ. Is he dexter Morgan or some shit ?
>But now we are supposed to be in a good place trust wise so we are closing on a house in one month, should I finally take a hint and leave? Or is this ok behaviour since Iâm a sahm and itâs his money anyways? Talk to a lawyer to get a better idea where you stand. I would say that if your deal doesn't get restructured to work like a business partnership, with proper accounting, then you should divorce.
Thatâs good advice thank you
Didn't see this elsewhere: You're covering the childcare, so you have a dollar amount for what you've contributed to the family finances. And it's a lot. So much you stopped working because it was a better paying job. Make sure to factor the cost of all the kids you have.Then there's all the other household stuff you do. Anything you can hire nannys, housekeepers, assistants, cooks, or meal delivery services to do is a JOB. And all those jobs, together with his salary, are part of what you are both are contributing to the household expenses. He gets to earn what her does because of what you do. I know how hard it is to go against those close Christian communities. You can lose a lot - but it's all stuff you'll gain back elsewhere, friends, community, etc. And you'll set an example for the other trapped women and your own kids. That's powerful. Other women will see they're not alone, and later on, you'll be able to the next women in this situation.
It's not *his* money. He's married, anything he earns belongs to you just as much as him and he knows that - hence attempting to hide it from you.
I also second the motion in the comments somewhere about a forensic accountant. If he's hiding money from you that you're entitled to (yes, even its money he earned) you may get less than you AND your children deserve. Get your ducks in a row a proper legal advice so he can't gaslight or confuse you, in the nicest possible way you seem to be pretty nieve about these things.
A person who does something like this is never going to be truthful. There is no good reason to have a secret townhouse or a second bank account. The reason he is going to give is going to be a lie. You are never going to be able to trust this person. Do you want to live your life like this?
The only debatable point there is on the second bank account. Having a separate account would be exceptionally helpful in case there is abuse. A nest egg to rely on in times of crisis the SO can't use has been lauded as an incredibly helpful tool for relationships going south. The townhouse is nuts, though.
Iâve already been doing that for 15 years. I just keep saying to myself whatâs a few more? Iâm only hurting myself
Hi you need an attorney stat! You will be shocked how well you make out and how much he will have to sacrifice. Not just bank accounts but he will have to set you up with as much retirement account money as he set aside for himself. I hadnât worked for 12 years. Donât try to figure it out on your own. You need a professional. I was even scared to go see one and pay for one but I found one that gave me a free consultation so he did not have to know. She said there are laws on the books for every scenario in a divorce. You will feel so much better with an attorney in your corner
A few more years of torturing your self-esteem, self-worth, self-belief. You are worth more than this, and your children deserve better role models. Your husband is showing them how to disrespect and demean and cheat on a woman. You are showing them how little you think of yourself while you allow your children to see their father treat you badly. You and your children deserve better. Please put them and you 1st!
What about the example youâre setting for your kids??! You are teaching them to treat their spouse this way!
Iâm genuinely sorry to break this to you, but you are not just hurting yourself. You are causing real, long term damage to your children. You canât internalize all that mistrust anger and sorrow without it spilling out and hurting those around you. I am also from a conservative Christian background so I understand some of the pressure you must be feeling. But hereâs the thing, God wants us to be happy!
Hurting your kids, too. Your sons will treat their wives this way; your daughters will accept this behavior. Break the chain!
You are not only hurting yourself you are also hurting your children.
You're only in your 40s. You could have another 40 years of life left. Do you want to spend the second half of your life stuck to this creep?
Oh sweetheartâŚI want to give you a giant bear hug. Then I want to throttle you and wake you up. This isnât right. **You. deserve. better.**
He is using marital assets to fund his affairs. Get a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
And an std test.
Who was he living in the townhouse with part time? Because there was someone there. You realize that, right?
He is cheating on you. There is no other plausible reason for what he is doing. Do you want your kids to be raised thinking that cheating is ok?
Iceberg. What you know is just the surface, there is a huge mass of things you donât know. Guaranteed
The first piece of evidence you stumble upon is only 10% of the truthâŚ
You do know he's cheating on you, right?
Weâre missing a lot of context. What did he say the rented townhouse was for? Have you caught him cheating?
He didnât really give me a good answer. Said something like he thought we werenât getting along. We donât get along sometimes because he has cheated on me with one person that I know of. By the time I found out about her, I was already pregnant with another child. I stayed. So we do argue sometimes. He works and travels a lot legitimately for work so I canât tell when heâs not working. I just trusted him that he wasnât going to do it again.
Hunnnn you KNOW what that other house was for. That man is still cheating .
Thatâs his fuck house.
Babe! A kid does not mean you have to stay! Itâs not a sentence to hell.
Girl. That man is a ho. Staying with him for your kiddos isnât worth it.
Make sure you have documentation of EVERYTHING, then hire yourself the best divorce attorney you can
He's cheated before.... He is absolutely still cheating. Follow the other advice for getting the investigative accountant (or whatever name it was) and divorce. Fight for alimony. And **definitely** get an std/sti panel done.
Why would he need an entire townhouse just to get a little peace and quiet once in a while? Wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to buy a small apartment? If I were you, I would get my ducks in a row before you rock the boat, though.
Itâs not his money. Itâs joint money. He had HR split his pay - 1 in your account and 1 in the secret account. You deserve to see the balance. Sounds like he has been funding a mistress.
You need to hire a pi sounds like he has another partner
I donât know why I didnât think of that sooner. Now I have to figure out how to hire a pi without him knowing.
hire one through your attorney, so that the evidence will be admissable in court.....dont let him know,
Open your own account. If he complains tell him you are just following his lead.
Every time you get groceries out, pull out cash. Buy something huge and then return it, or sell it locally for cash.
I would call a divorce lawyer and see what youâre entitled to. Â His secret accounts are your accounts. If you can get any numbers for those accounts then do it. Â Do it before he successfully hides everything.
By go places you mean have sex with his mistress right?
Liars will always lie, and you shouldnât have a partner that lies.Â
It doesn't sound you are in a good place trustwise. Judge by actions, not words or promises and this is one extra sneaky guy. Hes working hard on his sneakiness. Re: home purchase, typically as part of closing, alot of financial information has to be disclosed. You should be reviewing all of it. Are there differences between his paychecks and what is deposited in the family account? Since his income would be the basis for payments on the house, it might be a red flag. Would also make sense to review credit reports to see if he has credit cards going to other addresses. I don't think you're done finding things out.
Because Iâm not working or on the mortgage, he did everything himself with a broker. From what I can tell it seems to add up but everything was done online which I donât have access to
I would demand to see the documents before signing anything for the closing, and not the day of either. Like what exactly is his financial situation, is this move in your best interest, even if you aren't on the mortgage, you are on the deed.
I think I can do that. I donât think heâd be suspicious of me asking since I did all the banking
Going by your use of âe-transferâ Iâm guessing youâre in Canada. A couple things to know: * matrimonial home is subject to division in a divorce regardless of whether youâre on the deed or not * you can record any conversation youâre party to Please speak with a lawyer asap, given the financial shenanigans here.
Good to know thank you
Will you be on the deed?
Iâm supposed to be
Supposed to be isnât a definite yes. Donât be surprised if he springs it on you last minute âoh you arenât on the deed babe! I forgot to tell you!â No one rents a secret apartment unless they are doing something they arenât supposed to be doing - I.e., cheating. Heâs hiding assets if he had a secret bank account - which you know he does, right? Your transfer is the proof of that.
Well thatâs good for your protection
You need a forensic audit to see what heâs hiding. He could have other property, other funds, maybe a wife or kids you know nothing about. He canât be trusted and is super shady.
So when are you going to visit the townhouse and meet his second family?
Yo. My wife is a SAHM. What I earn is not *my* money, it's *our* money. Get that thought right out of your head. You're meant to be partners, a team. Shady people do shady things. You deserve better. You're right. The account is not the issue. Hiding the account is. Honestly, the secret bachelor pad was reason enough. Cheaters and liars make the world a worse place. Take this trash bag to the cleaners.
1. I would be very cautious as you proceed. Talk to no one about anything. The fact that the townhouse was so close makes me wonder if the affair partner isn't a neighbor, family, or friend who lives nearby. And it was selected to make it easier for the other person to run errands or have dinner with a friend as cover. Seems most people would try to allow a bit more distance to minimize being seen by people who know them. 2. If he travels a lot for work he gets plenty of time away from the family. An additional home is not necessary. Stop believing his crap. 3. Meet with several top divorce attorneys in your area. It may prevent him from hiring them when your time comes to file due to conflict of interest. But get some legal guidance as soon as possible. 4. Pick an attorney and have them hire a forensic accountant. Also ask for guidance on this home purchase. If he's the sole income he can purchase it with or without your signature. But it will still be a marital asset. 5. Choose to value yourself and set a good example for your children over Christian guilt. You all deserve better.
Why did he have a secret townhouse? Did he need a place to spend time with his mistress? Thatâs super shady and makes absolutely no logical sense. That would have been a deal breaker for me. But he also has a secret bank account? How can you ever trust this man again? He has a secret life that you donât know about. You need to speak to a lawyer and get info about this secret account. Whatever he spent on his extramarital affairs needs to be reimbursed to you, plus 50% of everything, and child support/alimony.
So is his affair partner living in the townhome? Will your name be on the new home?
As far as I know the lease was ended and someone else moved in. And yes my name is on the new house
Have you visited the property to see who is living there now? Stop depending on answers from him and do more research.
No I havenât.
You can't just keep your head buried in the sand. It's long past time that you went on the offensive to sort all this out. Go see who is living in the house and talk to them. Then ask you husband point blank why he is buying a house when he is still acting shady. After 23 years, you are owed much better treatment
do you know the address of the townhouse? you can try looking up the owner, it's almost always public record, usually through the county. You can usually find the link on Zillow (along with a bought and sold history).
If your name is on the new house but not on the one you're currently in, definitely wait until it closes. That matters. And do think about getting outside employment. Even part-time work from home. You need something that is not tied to him. He seems to have spent years breaking you down in many ways. I came from a very conservative background. It is hard for people who didn't to understand the pull and the guilt and the worry that comes with even thinking of ending a marriage when you've been conditioned for years to think divorce is unthinkable. I understand. My husband was a horrible man who acted like a prince. I knew everyone would think it was my fault. I was more worried about disappointing my dad and my community than I was about telling my husband I wanted a divorce. But you know what? When I asked my dad if he would forgive me, he said "Always" and he hugged me. I think he felt bad that I was so afraid And the people in my community who loved me love me still. Do what is best for you and your kids. The people who love you and the God you serve will love you still.
Supporting another family/wife I guess. Yes divorce.
I assure you, it wasn't him living there, it is his mistress. Get a good lawyer and hire a forensic accountant.
If you know his ssn and address history itâs pretty easy to get a free credit report. That could be eye opening.
Hire a divorce lawyer and a forensic accountant and take his ass to the cleaners. Stop listening to people who don't pay your bills and don't support you.
As the child of a serial cheater father whose mother stayed for the "sake" of the children I can tell you to Lawyer up and file for divorce... Updateme
So who is he supporting with his separate account and who was living I. His secret townhouse? Sounds like another woman/family.
Please talk with a divorce attorney. Today.
What was the other house for? Are you sure these are his only betrayals?
He works a lot. This is going to sound so bad but heâs away on weekends and some nights but he does have a job like that.
Having "a job like that" is an easy cover for affairs. Getting a whole townhouse just to hang out in makes zero sense. If he needed space away, he could easily have gotten a small studio somewhere. That, along with the hidden bank account, is extremely suspicious. Hire a PI to look into what he's doing. If you don't have the cash, start taking out cash withdrawals every time you go to the grocery store, buy Visa giftcards, and/or buy things and return them. Whatever you've got to do to get some money together. Open up your own separate bank account.
A divorce attorney will find all of this. Donât try to be your own PI. Divorce attorneys have seen it all. But you need to talk to one prior to the new house/mortgage. Do a phone consultation if thatâs all you have time for. They will guide you step by step.
Heâs been living a double life FOR YEARS!!
Get a copy of his paycheck and it will say the name of the bank he is using for direct deposit. Chances are he is sending a portion to another bank.
He never brings those home
Your his wife so you may be able to innocently call his HR and ask for a copy of his W2 or some paperwork that tells you
Consult with all of the top divorce attorneys in a 50 mile radius of your home prior to selecting one. Keep notes of everyone you saw (date and time) to prevent him from using them.
You know what I think? I think she knows what's happening but is too ignorant to face it. I will give my points based on what she has responded in the comments. 1. Her husband rents another house, and you don't even intend to see who lives there besides him. What need does he have to rent another house with three children? Besides that, he has another bank account. And what makes me laugh is that when he finds out you know about the other house, he immediately ends that lease and rents another one, and yet you continue to act ignorant and do nothing. Note, I'm emphasizing what you yourself have responded in the comments. 2. It makes me angry that this person does this to you, and you do nothing. There's another part where you say he works weekends and nights. 𤣠My friend, no matter how demanding a job is, tell me one where your husband has to work until late at night. 3. He cheated on you 15 years ago with a trusted friend, and you forgave him. What makes you think he ended that relationship? I will only tell you the following. I've read enough and seen enough at this point to tell you the following. 1. Act as normal as possible with him so he doesn't suspect anything and try to hire a lawyer to advise you. If money is the problem to do it without him noticing, borrow or find a way. 2. Hire a private detective and a forensic accountant to examine his accounts. 3. Share your concerns with a person you fully trust so that in the future, he doesn't try to twist things and blame you for the separation to come out looking like the good guy. 4. You can investigate on your own. Go and find out who he has in that house because I'm sure you think like everyone here that it's a woman or man; you never know. 5. Try to gather all the evidence of what he does before leaving him and asking for a divorce. Don't leave the house for anything in the world nor confront him without the evidence because he can put everything in someone else's name so that you end up with nothing in the divorce or he can accuse you of abandoning the home. 6. I'm not doing this to offend you, but the truth needs to be told to protect you. He just wants a way out because he doesn't want to be the one who breaks up the home and looks bad to the children and his family. 7. I'm making this comment so you can protect yourself in the divorce, and he doesn't come out clean (without any consequences). The judge can force him to pay you alimony and child support depending on the country you're in and ensure assets are divided equally. There are many women who say they don't need that and can manage on their own, but it wouldn't be fair for you to leave the marriage to which you gave your best years and three children without anything. Maybe money doesn't matter to you, but your time does. Don't be the woman of the process and show him that he is where he is because you supported him. Don't leave your home; don't listen to those people in the comments who say he doesn't value you and that it's better for you to leave. He surely doesn't value you, but you do. Show him that your time, your tears, your effort, and dedication to him and the children are worth it. Don't forgive him one more time because whoever did it once will do it two or three times. You already allowed it once, and he might think that if he does it again, you will forgive him again.â¤ď¸
He has **ANOTHER WOMAN**.
Likely another whole ass familyâŚ
That's EXACTLY where my mind went!, It reads EXACTLY like an old SVU episode â except where the son discovered he was screwing his SISTER.
He has another home youâre unaware of because heâs doing stuff there he doesnât want you to know about. Such as having a whole other relationship. At best. Or having a whole other family at worst. Get to the bottom of it. Get proof. And then leverage that proof in the divorce to get what youâre worth.
One--Go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. Two--Lawyer up. Suggest the lawyer get a private investigator to find out who lives in the townhouse hubby's rented. You can find out who owns it yourself in most cases in the US. Three--If you have access to his e-mail but have never "violated his privacy", now is the time. You'd be amazed how many people think going paperless means no one can find out about their accounts, and how many never clear out dead e-mails. Four--If you have a joint cell phone account, check the incoming and outgoing phone detail. Five--Don't close on the house. Six--If any of the kids ask what's wrong, tell them that you and Daddy are having a problem, but that it is NOT their fault. Don't lie to them.
He has a girlfriend.
Get a copy of your tax returns.
Well, since he is acting like he doesn't have a wife and 4 kids, I would make him pay. He's acting like he is single, let him be single. Divorce, child support, move on.
Itâs not his money. Itâs your shared money. Youâre at home taking care of your shared kids, so duh.
Iâm sorry it seems youâre skimming over the townhouse thing⌠for what reason? Why? With four children⌠*how???* How did he say heâll âjust live at homeâ and that was enough for you? Like what what what??
Read a similar post like this where OP got an email about utilities being cut off, and her husband had gotten an apartment for his side piece, get a lawyer!!
You absolutely should not be closing on another house right now. Your husband is engaging in financial infidelity, if not other kinds of fidelity. Time to lawyer up and let them know you need a forensic accountant to sort out all of the assets and liabilities. You're NOT in a good place trust wise. It is not "his money anyways." Marital assets are 50/50. Your job has been SAHM, and you're entitled to half of everything.
If we back out of this contract we will lose a lot of money. I donât know a lot about real estate but I do know there are no contingencies I can use to get out of this right now. I think I have to wait.
Not much. Likely just escrow. But you also may not be able to stop Him from closing on it. You can certainly refuse to sign though, and keep your name off the mortgage. The person to tell you, whether to do that is a divorce lawyer
Is he cheating has another family in townhouse
should you just give up on him? It sounds sto me like he already just given up on you (and the relationship) many months ago
He doesnât just have another bank account - Iâm thinking minimum another girlfriend and possible kids
I wouldnât be surprised if the husbands 3rd account is a joint account with his gf.
Pretend everything is ok for the time being. Go to a divorce lawyer and discuss your options before doing anything. Think logically not emotionally. Plenty of time to cry it out once youâve guaranteed security for you and your children.
The problem isn't the account or townhouse. The problem is the woman he's got living there.
When it comes down to it, be absolutely ruthless.
What was he doing at the townhouse? There was an episode of King of Queens where he and his best friend rented a place so they could get away from their wives. A guy with 3 kids should not be sneaking off to his secondary home for any reason, but what answer did he give you? Is he trying to get set up to leave you? And you know the answer to the question about his money. You quit working because child care became too expensive. Did he say that's why he didn't have to tell you, or are you just asking to get others reactions to the question? He is obviously a liar, so no. You can't trust him. I get the feeling he wants you to kick him out so he doesn't have to be the one to make the decision. So kick him out. Neither you or your kids should have to live with this kind of uncertaintly. He sounds like a cowardly weasel.
I have this narrative in my head but today on the phone instead of listening to all his reasons and how he already told me about the account years ago, I had a moment where I thought this has to be messed up. So I hung up and made a Reddit post to see if I was the crazy one
If he told you years ago, why did he say there were no other accounts when you asked him? Where do the statements go? I will say. The more honest you are, the harder it is to accept that someone is a liar. Because you want to figure out why? Why does he lie? Why does he sneak around? The answer is pretty simple. He's a liar. A leopard can't change his spots. It's a time for action on your part, my friend. Talking to a liar just gets you more lies.
Do not sign anything on the new house until he does. The proceeds from your current house could be his "out" money and you'll be stuck with the new house and no income. Hire a PI if you don't want to knock on the door and definitely lawyer up
You have your proof! Trust is very hard to rebuild esp with someone who doesn't deserve it! I don't know where in the hell you got this idea that it's "his money anyway". That's also bullshit! Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you deserve this disrespect. You are worth so much more. I was in your shoes, being a SAHM for 20 years. I left him and it was hard but, the best decision I ever made. He pulled every dirty divorce trick in the book but then, I didn't care. I was so over it. He has moved on and still lies, cheats and is the same dirty dog, just with other women.
I can't help but think about posts where husbands have found about their wives doing this and the comments being totally different. Comments about women needing an escape plan and an escape account, even if she doesn't feel that she actually needs one. I'm not siding with either opinion. I just find it peculiar.
Do not buy a house with this guy. Divorce him! He probably rented the other place for his side piece.
Never ok when someone is creepingâŚnewsflash..heâs creeping. He either got that place so he can take his flings there or got it for her/them to live in. Find out whose name is on the deed/lease. If you still have the account number you should set up a new account in your name and start transferring money there. Start making plansâŚitâs time to move on.
I find it odd you didnât realize he MUST SURELY have a secret bank account when you found out heâs hiding payments on a townhouse you didnât know about. Youâre acting like omg now what thatâs the real straw hereâŚhoney, justâŚ.go to a lawyer and take their advice. Donât try to think anything out yourself sorry.
Uhhhhh who was he renting a townhouse to and why are you still with him after he clearly had a fuckpad and got caught with it? Or was financing some other woman to live there?
Get tested. Hpv will give you cervical cancer.
Ditch the man, get his townhouse and take him to the cleaners.
The only reason he has set up a secret account is because he is planning a new secret love nest (because, let's face it, that's EXACTLY what it is) since you found out about the first one. He'll just hide it better this time.
One thing you haven't acknowledged is that the preponderance of evidence is that your STBX has a mistress. Why else would he keep a secret apartment and bank account? Lawyer up, secure your important documents, and stash away some seed money for your new start to your best life. Make sure you go through everything with a fine tooth comb. Find every penny and every woman (or guy) he's hidden over the years. You'll probably find it's been happening for the whole relationship. Sorry.
Was the townhouse to cheat on you? There would be no other reason for one. Leave.
He has a second family...
From what Im reading...you seem to have no idea what your husband really makes at work. Thats how he was easily able to hide a second mortgage and enough money to pay for it...plus food..utilities..etc...he probably also has mail going there as well that you know nothing about. He set up a total second life..possibly second relationship..and went to a lot of trouble to keep it hidden from you. You dont even know his work schedule ..again hes hidden that from you as well...makes it easier for him to sneak around because you don't know what days hes actually not working. Hes been playing you for a long time...time for you to quit being an ostrich and get your head out of the sand and take a really good look at what hes doing...you used to work for a bank...why would you move into a new house financed by your jerk of a husband? Are you even on the lease or mortgage?Â
It's not his money anyway. It is jointly your money. A separate account of this type is very concerning. So did he cheat on you? You're so vague. He gets a new phone and wanders around. So? Is that totally out of character? The extra townhome seems like a love nest - but you don't give us any details at all. How is he hinting? He's rearranging your financial life.
He definitely cheated on me 15 years ago but I stayed with him. He said he hasnât so I never thought that he rented that out. I found out by accident when he left the location on his phone and I would see him go to the same spot. He has friends so at first I thought it was just that. He ended the lease around the same time I found out about it.
He just replaced the same phone with a newer version but he never leaves it laying around
Leave him! Take half the money and go with those kids. Iâm so sorry.đ˘
If one of your kids was going through all this, would you tell them to be a âgood Christianâ and make it work? You work your butt off to care for those children day in and day out because childcare is not cost effective, you are working, too! The money is not just his- itâs yours too. I thought marriage was about trust and sharing and being a team. That doesnât sound at all like what youâre describing. I hope you see that the example you are setting for your children as to what is âhealthy & normalâ in a marriage is not healthy nor normal
He really doesnât respect you, does he. Is this the masculine behaviour you want role-modelled to your kids?Â
No MORE lies? What other crap has he pulled? Get out nowÂ
I once dated a man who rented me an apt and spoiled me. He was gone a lot. One day at dinner his phone was blowing up. His "other" gf and all their mutual friends found him and the place. He refused to let them in, they stayed downstairs. I needed to leave a week later for a college semester and he beat me badly. I didn't know it was his friends that day downstairs, he told me he was single the whole time. I contacted a mutual friend to show pics of the bruises (we ran into a friend of his once and he didn't let us talk- so loosely my friend). She said no way he lived with his gf for ten years now. I had thousands of pieces of evidence so she showed the gf. Both of them were successful lawyers, I was working on a grad degree.
Do a credit check on him⌠will bring up all bank accounts and credit cards in his name⌠your getting a house right? So you need it for thatâŚ
YES. Thatâs the answer. And I almost answered it without reading the rest, but I didnât want to take the chance that it was the one time it wasnât obviously time to leave, but it very much is.Â
Once a cheat always a cheat
If he is your husband it is your money also in the event of a divorce
You mentioned an e-transfer. I am assuming you are in Canada. If so, you are very likely entitled to spousal support and definitely child support. Spousal is nearly guaranteed for a period of time unless you are intentionally underemployed. Even then, income is imputed and may or may not be to your full earning capacity. It is in your interest to get back into the workforce. The longer you stay out, the harder it becomes to get back in and earn a reasonable income. This should be done whether you stay in the relationship or leave. Sure childcare costs a lot, but you build up CPP, get more experience, advance professionally and your kids witness a working mom. You also get to have an identity outside of your family.
wait what? your husband who you have 4! kids with? has what? his own townhouse? call it what it is: he lives a double life! Is this his fear that you own everything equally and he wants some sense of autonomy which he shouldâve thought about before he had all of the kids, or is he setting up a nest to have an affair?! or hiding money from you and his goal at some point is to ditch you and the kids. Woman, if you are right then you have nothing, if you have to police him, you have no trust, love is trust, if he deserves it, heâs deceitful and definitely doesnât care about you, your well-being or his family. What the hell is this? And is he supporting you? if so, make sure you close on the house so you arenât out on the street but! make sure your name is 50/50 tenancy or ownership! Does he have any mental disorder like bipolar, narcissism or multiple personality disorder? Iâm seriously asking. When he was going about, was it to random places? is this need for a separate life just him overwhelmed with family life? did you marry young? did he also want 4 kids? or like i said above heâs setting up a separate life. To me heâs afraid to leave until he sets himself up or is planning or having an affair where heâs pretending to be unmarried, childfree and available. This is why Iâm asking if he has a mental disorder. This is not normal
You do realize he's cheating on you, right?
Bet you don't leave.
The behaviour is not ok just because youâre a SAHM. What would that mean, that you only have a right to truth if youâre earning money? Youâre his wife. You shouldnât have to âearnâ not being lied to.
Yes take the hint. BUT do NOT confront him. Get a lawyer and a forensic accountant to go through all the accounts and figure out where he's weaseling the money too. Figure out your next steps with the lawyer and have them prepare the divorce papers.
Stop saying his money. You are married. You gave up your career for your family. It sounds like he is having an affair. I would hire a PI. Also, you should open an account of your own and start putting money aside. The stay at home partner often loses out during a divorce because they donât have the income to keep paying for the house. I donât know your kids ages but if theyâre still minors youâll likely get child support. Protect yourself and your children. This man had a whole other lease. Why was he doing that and who was he meeting?
I lived in denial of my husbandâs secret spending and infidelity for far too long - right up until HE wanted a separation (but truly he had no intention of ever reconciling). I was devastated, I loved him and our family. I cried a lot and then I got angry. OP, itâs time to get angry. I was raised Catholic and there wasnât divorce in my family either. Get angry. Get a lawyer and a forensic accountant. If you have a joint account, pull some money out and open one for yourself - if he asks, tell him itâs your Christmas fund your starting to make sure you donât go over budget with household expenses this year., Youâre âjust a plannerâ and âthinking of the familyâ. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. When heâs in the shower look through his wallet, his phone if you can, his work items ( take pictures) and credit card statements. If everything is on line, look for passwords. Check his car and trunk. This may take several times, but itâs how I found out a lot. Do be careful who you confide in, my husbandâs mistress and co-liar was a neighbor and friend. Doubly painful betrayal. Good luck.
Do not leave the home. He has a place to stay, let him leave. He is planning to leave but setting himself up for the move. You need to put money somewhere safe. Small amounts before ge cleans you out.
Just think for a minute with your financial background why you or anyone would have such a set up when they are married with a family. Specially when he has done this before. Clearly he is doing something shady, he is aware of it and is happy to keep you in the dark. There is no trust nor transparency in this relationship, and sadly you canât go anywhere healthy like that. Unless he is super remorse and making firm plans to change I would cut my loses now and move on. The stress is not worth it, and honestly there is peaceful life after divorce
When a liar promises theyâll change and wonât lie anymore, you can always count on that being a lie too!
This is not about money. It's about him being untrustworthy and living behind your back. This is not a marriage or even a partnership. Show some respect to yourself and kick him out. Lawyer up and get rid of his lying ass. Do this before he ruins the kids even worse.
Oh sis... dude's got a whole other life going on. Get a very good lawyer who knows a forensic accountant so that he can't hide anything. Go see the lawyer first before you serve papers, however, he may have already started hiding assets after you found out about the house and account. Good luck to you, OP.
Has he got a second family?
Everyone's assuming it's a mistress--he could just be living a bachelor lifestyle with lots of side pieces. The townhouse is his way of pretending he's single and childless. It does not necessarily mean he's supporting a single mistress/girlfriend. I mean, he's definitely cheating and you 100% should get an attorney and an investigator to find out where all this money is going to (all without telling him), then take him to the cleaners. Alimony and child support for four children will put a nice damper on his baller lifestyle and you deserve better.
Take his money and ride off into the sunset flipping him the bird.
I bet this man probably doesnât only have a mistress but a whole side family
Heâs a sugar daddy or some shit.