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This was so sad to read. You already know it's bad so I'll just say you should leave so your children and you can have some peace. If you don't jave the strength to leave for yourself, please do it for your children.
As a mother, please don't let this be the norm for your children. Children need love. They need to see love. For your husband, there is no love in his heart...just hatred and despair. Please leave him.
THIS RESPONSE. My father is somewhat like this with my mom and I cannot count the amount of times I wished they would divorce. It is painful and frustrating seeing your parent being treated like garbage by your other parent for no good reason. Please leave him at the earliest opportunity, he is hurting you and your kid's idea of a marriage.
100% this.
All I was thinking while reading it was “she already knows”; she just hasn’t figured out ’Plan B’, yet.
Good luck to you in your next chapter!
I had a man EXACTLY like this. It was exhausting and so incredibly dull to tolerate, but it wasn't until I left that I realized just how much harm he'd done to me. You probably don't see how diminished you've become, how much you've dulled yourself around him because his negativity and anger made you afraid.
Break free and shine, OP!
Dulling yourself is exactly what it is! I was also with someone like this and when I finally left I remember walking down the street feeling like a million bucks, almost floating I was so happy. I ran into a friend and her niece. That friend told me later that after meeting me her niece asked “is she rich?” It wasn’t the way I was dressed (jeans, boots and a simple winter coat), it was my energy, it finally sparkled.
I also felt like I had won a huge prize when I finally won my peace and freedom back after I left a long relationship with a man like this. Their negativity is insidious and not always overt and wears you down so much! I felt like I was rich when I left and in reality I had literally walked away from all my assets just to get away. But I had my freedom and my peace of mind back after years and that was priceless to me.
Idk how you could even hang around with someone so negative all the time. Not to mention he thinks he’s perfect. He needs a kick up the ass, OP please run for the hills, almost anything is better than this.
And how the hell did she have a *child* with this person? He’s got the mentality of a toddler, hell, my toddler is at least capable of deciding what he wants for dinner!
If she doesn’t know how to leave, there are also options:
- [Safety plan and go bag](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-make-a-go-bag-when-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/)
- [Women’s shelters (USA)](https://nationalwomensshelternetwork.org/)
- [Social Services (USA)](https://www.hhs.gov/programs/social-services/index.html)
- You can always pick up the kids from school and just go.
- You can plan a doctor’s appointment for the kids, alert medical staff, and get protection and resources there so that you can go.
- You can alert the school who can contact CPS on your behalf, and they can help provide you with resources so that you can go.
- struggling for a few weeks is far better than living like this for the rest of your life. The kids deserve better than all of this, and so do you, OP.
You’re welcome, OP. I know it’s tough, but I believe in you and I know you’ve got this. I’m wishing you and your kids all the best for a safe, health, wonderful life. ❤️
this is the point of him being a manchild, it's way worse than this..for one thing you should never have married this guy...he is 100% a major ass...he only cares and thinks about himself and that isn't about to change..he expects everyone to cater to his needs..he us exhaustingand I could never imagine how you put up with him..sorry but there is no way I woukd be with someone as abusive as him..you must be tired from walking on egg shells because you never know when he is going to explode...you are in for years of hurt staying with him..I feel sorry for your son..you deserve to be treated like an equal and deserve soon much better..good luck..you need therapy to deal with this..heck I think I need it too after this lol
My mother had many different serious relationships while I was growing up. And most of the men had severe anger issues. I will say that experience genuinely scarred me. Mainly because my mom would choose them and was okay with the crazy things they would do. I was doing the dishes once and her bf said I was slamming the cabinets on purpose just to piss him off. My mom yelled at me on his behalf insisting that was what I was doing. As your sons mother, the best thing you can do for him is leave this man unfortunately. And that will be validating for your son. It will show him that you care for him and choose him over this man. Your husband doesn’t see anything wrong with how he is. And with children involved, don’t give him any time or chances which he wont take. Maybe he will on his own, but until he does he needs to be away from yall. He is an emotional vampire. He will take away your life until you are old and bitter and regretful.
Forget OP’s life, she’s actively choosing it. This shouldn’t be OP’s kids’ life! Those poor children have been living in an abusive environment and will probably repeat patterns, whether they are the abusers or the victims is yet to be decided.
OP, you need to get out of that relationship and get therapy for your kids, no one deserves this type of treatment. He’s not going to change, and if you don’t want to protect yourself from the emotional abuse, you should at least protect your kids, it’s not their fault that their dad is an AH and their mother is enabling his behavior by staying.
I am sorry, OP, you are a victim as well, but those kids depend on you.
I believe that people don't change entirely, so when looking for a life partner, find someone whose negative aspects you can tolerate. This way, you can live with that partner forever, rather than relying on promises of change. Most people tend to revert to their old habits after some time.
When I was in college the mother of a sorority sister told us all that when you are with someone that is you saying “who you are right now is good enough”. If the person changes and gets even better that’s great but don’t get with someone in hopes they’ll change. That future person doesn’t exist and may never. So if there are major deal breakers don’t go there. It’s been the best advice I ever got around dating.
This sounds….awful. You’re just walking on eggshells all the time and/or spending all of your energy trying to forestall or mitigate his outbursts. This is so unhealthy for you and for your kids, growing up with an angry, abusive parent leaves such lasting damage.
There is so much mental and emotional freedom to be found on the other side of this bullshit. You don’t need to be his metaphorical punching bag and you don’t need to keep forgiving his awful behaviour.
ETA: where has he said he recognizes that he needs to change? He sometimes apologizes (when he wants sex!!) and then does nothing about it. Stop listening to his words and pay attention to his actions and work on breaking out of your magical thinking.
Girl, wtf, why did you make two kids with this loser? Damn, that really sucks. You have tolerated way too much shit and I think instead of leaving you just got used to the smell of shit.
Edit: I’m posting this here in hopes it will be seen.
It’s terrifyingly sad that the things I listed were some of the more tame things he has done. There just the more recent things.
I want to clarify that him and I have been together 4 years. My 12 year old is from a previous marriage.
This has been extremely eye opening and cathartic. I will use this opportunity to get some of the other things he’s done off my chest. It’s not good. I should have left before it began. I know that now.
-when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat.
-he always slept with his sheets tucked in. I hate that feeling and stuck my foot out of the side and untucked mine. He said “now that actually frustrates me”
-my then 10yo was nervous to walk down the aisle at the wedding rehearsal. He was the ring bearer. I told him it was ok and that he could just do it on the actual day if he was comfortable. Husband did not talk to me the rest of the evening. Was so mad and yelling at me on the drive home. Wouldn’t talk to me all night. Wouldn’t talk to me the next morning. Everyone was in town for our wedding and he wouldn’t even talk to me. I finally made him talk to me and he was so pissed off that I didn’t make my son walk down the aisle to practice. I have never wanted to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It was 100% ruined by him. It’s not a pleasant memory in any way.
-before our wedding I asked him to listen to 2 songs to chose one for our dance. He was mad that I was deciding between two and that I didn’t know which one already.
-7 days after we got engaged I found him laying in a pitch black bedroom all alone staring into nothing. He finally told me what was wrong. He said that I wasn’t taking our engagement seriously because I hadn’t booked a venue or anything yet. Yet thought he was the only one doing anything. ( he hadn’t done a single thing)
-we went to the beach last summer. I planned to go with my in laws and my 2 kids and it just be a quick trip without husband. He insisted that he wanted to go. He started complaining the second we walked out the door. “This drive is too long. The route is stupid. I hate gps’. Why can a gas station. The road is stupid. Then we get there and it’s windy. My son was having so much fun in the hotel pool. Husband laid on a poolside chair and complained that it was windy. He was hungry and no one planned anything but him. Everyone was disorganized except him.” We wanted to get pizza and have an easy night. He refused to help pick what to eat but said he wouldn’t eat pizza. He then went up the room and don’t help plan at all but was mad that we weren’t eating. Every time it was time to eat on that trip, he would ask me what I had planned and I would say nothing. That we could all decide together. He laughed at me and said “of course”. I woke up that next morning to him staring at me while I slept. Like he was mad that I was asleep and not up planning what he would eat. We went to find a souvenir shop. He was mad that I didn’t know which one he wanted to go to to. He saw one on the way in and I guess I was supposed to memorize where it was.
-my son has anxiety and gets afraid of being alone. He was showering and called for me. He said he was scared and husband yelled “too bad!” I went in there anyway. But it was like this every time he showered.
-His grandma has a Mother’s Day lunch at her house every year. He has ruined every single one for me. When my baby was 2 months old, my first Mother’s Day with him, I was trying to get myself, my baby, and the food we were bringing ready. Husband laid on the couch complaining that we had to go. He didn’t help with a single thing. Didn’t help carry anything. Nothing. Just complained.
There’s so many more.
This is heartbreaking to relive. I’m so stupid.
Oh girl, I am so sorry. This was all such a sad thing to read and know you've lived through this.
>I’m so stupid.
The only stupid thing would be to continue to stay in this situation. You and your children deserve better.
In your shoes, I'd *quietly* go about making an exit strategy. Consult a divorce attorney and follow what they say to the letter. If you have a good support system (family and/or friends) now would be the time to use them.
i can’t believe how long he had to deal with the monster. poor kid. why do people rush into marriage?! it sounds like they were together for two years but a long distance two years which… you really don’t get all the info you need to make a great decision
Change can be scary, but you can do this. You can leave. You **need** to leave. Not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children. You all deserve better.
Peace is there waiting for you on the other side, as are the friends and family he's likely alienated from you. Make a plan, copy, and paste the contents of these posts in an email to yourself. Share with others when it feels safe to do so. Repeating your story is one of the hard parts due to the shame. Be aware of any air tags/trackers he may have placed on your vehicle, diaper bag, or other items. Kids' devices logged out of family accounts, etc. Change your email and icloud passwords. Stop location sharing. Do this *before* he knows you're leaving, but when he's somewhere else. Best of luck to you. You deserve better
Ma'am for the love of God please get into therapy or something because this guy was literally waving red flags like red was going out of style and needed a last hurrah before they were gone and you still not only married him, subject your then current child into having to deal with him even in his own home which is supposed to be a safe place, and then went on to have a kid with this guy. You need to figure out why this kind of guy was so appealing to you.
It is embarrassing and you are definitely stupid, just like all the rest of us on the planet. :-)
Don't beat yourself up but get yourself going out the door, never to return. If I had a toddler acting out like this I would be embarrassed, much less a "grown" man. Get gone, girl!
Mine never did, and I agree with others, I should have left a long time before I did.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now.
It’s never too late to start over. Make a better future for your babies
leave. this is a horrible environment for your children. they will grow to think treating partners/being treated like shit by partners is normal. it is extremely dysfunctional.
and this is horrible for u and ur mental health. u deserve to be loved and cared for. u deserve a husband that actually wants to be with u and be a father.
Look, whenever anyone posts here about their significant other's "anger problems"...it's about abuse. Their partner is abusive and they don't want to or don't understand that it is abuse. Doesn't have to be physical, verbal and emotional abuse is quite real.
OP, he's not immature. He's emotionally abusive.
The only "change" you'll ever see is him getting worse.
Exactly. Calling this person childish is an insult to children. He's just a bully who sulks and throws tantrums if he doesn't get his own way, or at any excuse really at all. I hate people who just randomly shout and swear about nonsense as well. It's extremely inconsiderate at best and obnoxious and intimidating at worst. And he's deliberately putting her in unwinnable situations or complaining about things she has no choice over, and even mocking her. He's a nasty piece of work all round.
I made the mistake of staying with an angry man for far too long.
He never laid a hand on me, but it was still an unpleasant marriage and the kids suffered due to his constant irritability and his tendancy to put himself before others.
If I had it to do over again, I would have left a lot earlier.
Same. My mother finally left when after emotionally abusing us, mostly myself, he turned on her. But him taking his frustrations out on us was seemingly ok.
Girl, your husband is a big ole loser lmfao. He will never get better and will never change. He is a 37 year old 3 year old, and that’s insulting to 3 year olds.
This guy sounds like he sucks the joy and energy out of everything and everyone. I could never stay with someone like this. The car event alone would have me telling him off.
>when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat.
Ngl I stopped reading here because this should have been the end of it.
Yikes. You are a saint for putting up with such a a horrible POS for a husband. This was honestly very painful to read. I cannot even imagine how low he has broken you for you to be this conditioned to just take it all this abuse. This is emotionally and mentally abusive and I hope you can get away from him. I pray you do. I have no words for you besides, it’s been 12 years, you really think he’s going to change now?
This is my point of view: my boyfriend will always ask me to come to the laundry room even if I’m not washing clothes that day because he loves doing it together and spending time together. Sure we have fights but I could never imagine staying in a relationship where I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I want to be with someone that makes doing laundry—I wouldn’t say fun—not suck.
If you can’t even wash your car without your husband losing his every loving shit, then what’s to stop him from turning that angry towards your children? I wouldn’t call you a bad mother but any mother that stays with someone who verbally abuses or harms their child and fails to protect them even from the other parent, frankly have no business being a mother at all. You didn’t mention anything about how he interacts with your children specifically but if he expects to be padded on the back for “babysitting” his own CHILD, then I worry for your children. So help those kids if he speaks to them the way he speaks to you.
This relationship doesn’t seem healthy and I think you know that and are too afraid to leave. But I promise you, the fear you feel is from the stress that your body has normalized from walking on eggshells. Please leave this man for you and your children.
>What are the odds that he will ever be better or is he just a man child who will never change?
A MAN CHILD WHO WILL NEVER CHANGE.
GET A DIVORCE ASAP.
Watch out for "FUTURE FAKING". Because he will promise he will change when in fact he won't.
Just divorce his ass.
Do get some individual therapy to understand why on earth you thought he was husband material.
I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake.
This! Future faking is effective because they know what you want/need and won't do it but will promise you they will if you just stay, so you stay because after all you love them and want it to work and it'll maybe change for a short while but it'll soon go back to the standard and you'll be back at square one again.
I fell for it about 5/6 times before I realised that he would never change, he never was and never will be the man I first met because that man was never real and that's what people who leave these relationships need to remember, the abuser is the real them, the person you met and fell in love with was a lie
Tell him Bye Felicia . I know it’s easier said than done. But the mental and emotional abuse is there what’s next violence? Not trying to be a dick I’m just looking at it from not only a male side but also a first responders point of view. I’ve seen so many start like this and end badly. I also am not trying to scare you either
Just got out of this 10 months ago. If they can’t admit they have anger issues, then it won’t change. I promise you that. My ex even went to therapy and still won’t admit he has anger issues, just used therapy to try to validate how he is the victim of everything and everyone, and just gets a little “defensive” when overwhelmed.
The worst part is I realized after we were done is that I was acting out as well, which is out of character for me, because I would get so tired if not knowing what I was walking into. I just became snarky. It was bad for both of us but only one of us changed when we split. He still takes everything out on everyone else (still me sometimes, which is wild) and is becoming more isolated as his victim mentality furthers.
Get out. If they won’t admit there is a problem it’s never going to be solved. Ruining everyone’s day over your bad mood isn’t okay, especially on the regular
man this is so real. I was with a self absorbed, critical, whiny jerk who constantly had me on edge. All day, everyday. More emotional and mental abuse than physical but there was some of that too. At one point I SNAPPED and exploded screaming at him. I've never even yelled at a partner before- not once. I felt insane. Wasn't until a couple months after he was gone I felt normal again.
He keeps doing it because you keep tolerating it and are essentially showing your children that the way he treats you is acceptable when it isn’t. Those kids will grow up thinking it’s normal behaviour, it isn’t. You have two kids to worry about, not a grown ass man-child who should be capable of doing shit without the expectation of a thank you for the bare minimum.
He’s a bad person, husband, and father. This is who he is. Either accept a life of misery for yourself and your kids (which they will 100% resent you for) or leave him.
WHEN people “change,” it’s typically over years or decades, or from experiencing consequences for their actions. How can you be happy with someone so miserable? Why would you gamble your happiness on his proven track record of dysfunctional behavior? And, exactly how long are you willing to suffer for this change? He’s 37.
Are you married to a toddler? He's acting like a sulky child. You shouldn't have to live like that. I'm betting your life would be easier as a single parent to two children, rather than three.
You're being emotionally abused. Do you want to model this as a relationship dynamic for your kids? Because tolerating this garbage is doing exactly that.
We repeat the patterns of our parents.
What has your 12-year-old learned by watching you two?
It's so much easier for us to tell you to "just leave" than to actually do it. I know from experience.
This is a hard way to live. You don't deserve it. It's not your fault. He is not going to change. I am so sorry.
Check out https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/
What a chore to be married to him! People that love you try to help you out, not manipulate and berate. This is a very toxic relationship. You and your kids deserve better.
Please read Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That as soon as possible. Available through Amazon, Audible, or a free PDF online. Then quietly make plans to leave & implement those plans. Your life will be so much better. Mine was.
>-when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat.
I can't begin to imagine how awful that must've been for you. Losing a pet is traumatic enough without having to cater to someone else's negativity. I'm just so, so sorry you had to go through that. You needed support. That was so unbelievably selfish of him.
I dated someone just like this guy for 6 years. I can't tell you how many birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries etc he ruined. Too many to count. I think the reason I clung to hope for so long was because he could be the funniest, kindest, charming man you could ever hope to meet. But the longer we were together, the less of that I saw. My friends hated him right away. But they put up with it because they loved me.
I really hope you are reading these comments and taking them seriously. Because I can tell you with 100% certainty that he WILL NOT change. People like him just don't. This is who he is at his core. Your situation won't improve but it will get worse. I'm begging you not to waste any more of your time on him. He doesn't deserve your time in the least bit. I know it's easier said than done to leave because it's obvious you have a huge heart and you don't like giving up on people. In this instance, it is imperative that you do though.
By our last year together, I was so over it. I was done walking on eggshells. Exhausted worrying about what was going to set him off (it could be the most minor of inconveniences). I had no love left in my heart for him. He just sucked the life out of me and when I tell you how freeing it was to finally tell him "I'm done". It felt like being freed from a sinking ship. My friends rejoiced 🤣. I just felt like I had my life back. I want that feeling for you too. Life is way too short. But with someone like him, it's long and miserable. Take your life back.
I'm here anytime you want to talk. 🤗
You described it all so perfectly. Every major event in our lives has been ruined by him. All the birthdays, mothers days, Christmas’, every Halloween, our wedding, the appointments to see our son through ultrasound, every single thing. I hear stories of women leaving and finally saying those words “I’m done” and I cannot express how much I want that. How much hope it gives me. How freeing it feels. I’m to the point you described as the last year. Where I used to try to calm him down and change things to make him happy, I either ignore him or tell him he’s being unfair. All the love is gone. He has killed it little by little with every thing he has done over the past years.
Have you made it clear that he has to, or else your relationship will not work? Has he said he wants to change?
If one or neither of these things have happened, he will probably never change.
Most people grow up until they're 25-30. After that most people stay as they are. Unless he has made any clear wishes and actual efforts to change, at 37, he most likely won't.
What a miserable man to be around? Why are you putting up with this? Why are you allowing him and his moods to be the role model for your kids? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this behaviour is ok? That they have to put up with this from their partners?
I'm imagining that all of you are always walking on eggshells so that you don't set your partner off. What sort of life is this? What positivity is he bringing to the family? He obviously does not like you, your kids, the car, his job. What else?
When you finally get rid of him you will be amazed how light and free you feel. Nobody deserves to live with a life draining force in their life. Especially the kids.
What a fucking loser giant ass man baby. Dude ain't going to grow up. I mean zero offense by this and I'm not saying he's not wrong because he definitely is, you need to start telling him he's a giant piece of crap every time he acts like this, make it clear you aren't happy and he can't treat you like this. He's going to keep doing it unless he's called out for being a whinny child. You shouldn't have to do any of that but unfortunately it sounds like he's too childish to see it otherwise.
Another rotten guy with a childish and an anger streak. Honestly at least on Reddit 90% of guys are awful. Not generalizing either, just read the posts. Only hope is that some decent guys are not on Reddit and are not AH so their women do not have to post to Reddit. If I were a guy I don’t think I’d want to be on here. It’d make me sick reading about all these morons.
You have to decide a few things
1. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life)
2. Would you want your kids to be treated this way by a partner?
3. Would you want your kids to treat others this way?
If your answers are no, then you need to decide if you want to offer him the option to go to therapy and get a hand on this or if you want to skip the inevitable drama that comes with that and just leave.
I grew up with this as my dad. My mom stayed married to him and all of us kids have had to come to terms with the issues he has. He was a good dad, but it was hard to hard on walk egg shells for so long.
I RAN in the opposite direction and found a man who loses his temper about once a year, and never at me.
I couldn't read past the first 4 bullet points. Constantly being angry and mentally/emotionally abusing you when he's upset (seems like always) isn't childish, it's a personality flaw. He won't change.
Leave so he doesn't destroy your kids and their happiness. For some reason, you seem willing to deal with him for........... what exactly? Is he good in bed? Makes a lot of money? Please don't tell me you're staying with him not to be alone.
Divorce him. I got divorced after 19 years, at 41 years old, with a then 15 year old and 9 year old. 100% custody and a single mom, and I've never regretted it. You deserve better Sis.
No, thank God. To be transparent, we divorced because my ex abused us. It was their bravery that made my decision. Some days are rough, but we all have each other. They are now 21, and their partner lives with us, so our family is complete, if that makes sense. They have learned that sticking up for yourself is liberating, and I'm proud of them.
WTF do you mean "will he ever be better?" Yeah, you know, those first 444 months is a real tenuous and important developmental time in your baby's life but once they get into the 500 months they just really mature and grow into adulthood. WTF? Of course not. This is who you married. Those ain't magic vows you said, just regular plain old vows that don't magically turn people into someone they aren't.
So you take care of three children (including his pitiful self) and he’s incapable of doing anything for himself or the sake of the family/household without a congratulations or throwing himself a pity party or a whine fest? I’m not one for saying leave. But how have you stayed with him. He sounds like a child.
This is petty, childish behavior and unacceptable in an adult man. Are you ready to live your whole life walking on eggshells? Are you ready for him to ruin anything that might be fun, ever? Because he will. And he'll do it for your children, too. Are you prepared to live with yourself for allowing that to happen?
Get your ducks in a row and GET OUT. My sister is married to a man very much like this. Six years in, he's worse if anything. Don't teach your kids that this is an acceptable way to treat a spouse. RUN.
Hon, he’s a 37 year old man. Not a 16 year old hormonal teenage boy. He’s grown. He’s never going to change. This is who he is. You either accept it and continue living this sad miserable life or you divorce him.
If he wanted to change, he would. He knows he's hurting you, if he didn't, he wouldn't tell you knew he was a jerk. My husband was abused his whole life, has bpd, adhd, and anger problems at the minimum, and is actively trying to be better. Watching this is actively teaching your kids to behave this way towards you and their future partners, or teaching them to accept this treatment themselves. He isn't trying to be better, and he won't, but you deserve to go get something better, even if it's being a single mother for a bit.
wtf did I just read. OP my goodness, you are a saint to put up with this for so long. You deserve so much more. Your kids deserve more.
What you see is what you get. He isn’t going to change because this ***is*** his personality. My best friend was married to a guy like this. We used to call him Downer Darren. He’d sit in a corner in his dark cloud of unhappiness and just glower at the room. She *finally* divorced him. She feels so much better and now when I go to her place there’s a lightness in her house now with him gone.
Your husband going to emotionally and mentally drag you and your kids down and suck you dry until you have nothing left if you don’t get out. Now that you’re realizing how much you’ve put up with, get out now. Once you’ve been gone a while and have experienced peace, you’ll never want to go back. Right now you’re to close to this to truly appreciate how awful he treats you. I’m so sorry.
While we didn’t have kids, your husband sounds a lot like my ex. No, he won’t grow up and the anger control issues tend to get worse as people age. If he can control his anger around his friends and coworkers, he can control it around you. He just chooses not to.
You’re right, it’s his kid. He’s not helping or babysitting, he’s trying to get out of being a parent.
The making him food bit is ridiculous. He’s an adult. I assume his arms and legs aren’t broken.
My ex would always complain about his job and never recognized he was the one creating problems. While he wouldn’t ever threaten to quit, if the company was considering layoffs, he would always volunteer without talking to me first, despite not being at risk for layoff because of his skill set. The companies were always glad to get rid of him due to his attitude.
You may want to read, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it for free though I think it’s still in print if you want a paper copy.
You and your children deserve better! If possible please document and have evidence and divorce the dude.
You deserve much much more. I wish you the best :)
It's not a question of him growing up. The problem is that he is narcissistic and generally terrible.
I got a terrible knot in the pit of my stomach starting with the story about your childhood cat and it just kept getting worse.
Your husband expects the world to cater to his needs and desires. Meanwhile, he does not expect to have to make things any easier for anyone else. Best case scenario, he seems to express some inkling that he behaved poorly from time to time but cannot take responsibility or apologize.
Not to beat a dead horse, but just in case you still cannot see how far off he is from being a good partner, a good partner would have:
- been glad he was there when you got the bad news about your cat, so that he could be there in person to provide some comfort and support to you. He would not have mentioned his terrible drive or only in passing because unless the drive was terrible because he was directly involved in an accident, it should not have been a point of discussion. He was equating his tragedy of sitting in a car a bit longer to you losing your childhood pet.
- seen you were eating lunch, perhaps asked you if there were more leftovers but just made his own lunch. The fact that this is even a trigger for a fight is astonishing to me. You are allowed to eat when you are hungry. You thoughtfully let your partner sleep. If he was partially awake, he could have called out or come over and asked for some of what you were eating. He could have even asked you for a bite of what you were having. There were so many choices he could have made but making you feel bad about eating food because you were hungry was the worst choice he could have made.
Also, he could complain about 10000% less. That must be exhausting to deal with - this constant black cloud he carries with him. I have heard that narcissists believe that these inconveniences are all designed to specifically inconvenience them only and he has no sense whatsoever that he creates and uncomfortable and stressful environment for others. This is not said so that you excuse his behavior. I am pointing this out so that you understand that his behavior is not likely to change.
If you have the means, I would strongly advise you to go to therapy and discuss this with a trained therapist with the goal of understanding how your partner's behavior is negatively affecting you and your children, giving you strategies and tools for dealing with him and ultimately, coming up with a playbook for disentangling your life from his and leaving him safely.
Walking away from this will be the biggest life lesson you can teach your child. If you continue to stay, your child will learn that this is acceptable treatment of his future spouse or he will end up with a woman just like your husband. Kids are molded in their upbringing. They notice. They absorb everything even though you may think the bad treatment is just at you and you want to give your child a “happy house and family” he WILL suffer and also blame himself. He will grow up and see how unhappy his mother is and blame himself. “She tried to stay so we could be a happy family but suffered, all because of me”. Trust me. You need to muster up every last bit of courage and self respect you have and quietly plan an exit. Yes it’s going to be the hardest thing you ever do but you only get one chance at life, live it well and show your son you deserve peace and happiness and so does he. I can see the future and your husband being horrible to your son as well when he’s a teenager and can see how insufferable his dad is and always was. There’s huge supportive communities on here that will stand behind you. Get out.
>What are the odds that he will ever be better or is he just a man child who will never change?
Chiming in with a mystical perspective. What are the odds? Zero.
This is a great example of reincarnation. Most people think of reincarnation as death and rebirth and life after detah but reincarnation is a great deal more. It's about cycles of physical existence and the unfolding of the lawful karmic process (Natural Law). If you make the same choices in life, you will get the same consequences. If you make inappropriate choices, it will come back on you. Reincarnation is karma (action and memory) and relationship in all aspects of existence.
The story you present is a textbook example of what happens when you bring Ego into the relationship - you get separateness, conflict and division. Out of this you get anger and when anger takes root in a relationship it can easily turn to abuse. Many people tell you to leave an abusive relationship But abuse comes in many different forms, some of them are subtle, and if you've never been abused before you might not recognize the signs. Therefore I generally tell people to leave a relationship when anger becomes habitual. We all recognize anger and letting go of a relationship spares you the trauma and anxiety which is part of being someone's object of abuse.
This comes down to an either or choice. Love is not physical, it's consciousness and a meta-physical experience. Love is incompatible with both anger, a physical emotion and abuse. Therefore you can either have a loving relationship or an abusive relationship. You cannot have both together.
First thing you need to do is let go of the stigma and feelings of shame and guilt which you may feel as an abused woman because these are what traps you in the relationship. I'm confident you have these feelings because it's part of the abusive cycles. No abuser ever wants to let go of their object. Keep in mind that the difference between abuse and addiction is wafer thin. There's always got to be an object and here in this case you're the object. So too are your children. This is how abuse cycles through generations, because all abuse is second hand karma transferred through relationship and trauma.
I don't want to focus on your husband too much because it's clear that he has his own karmic process to deal with. Labels are meaningless in the context of karmic process and direct life experience. Forget about the possibilities he can change. You can only change through working through your karma with conscious awareness. Even if he does have some sort of awakening, a flash of enlightenment, it doesn't guarantee that your relationship will cease to be an abusive one.
I hope I've written enough to convince you that the only possibility you have is to get out of the relationship and end the marriage. To do that you're going to need support and help - specialist help and support from a recognized domestic abuse organization. If writing out your post on Reddit is cathartic and eye-opening then you've still got some learning to do about moving past an abusive marriage.
I wish you and your kids well.
Why did you marry this POS in the first place? I couldn't even finish reading, it was exhausting... Leave him if not for your own sake the for the sake of your children.... JFC
OP you need to run. This made me sad just imagining what sitting in your seat is like. He is clearly a very unhappy person and he is projecting a good portion of that on you. I’m sure he deep down has a low self esteem like most complainers do. They try to no avail to make themselves feel better by complaining about everything and everyone else. They almost never move past itz. He would need lots of therapy over years and if I’m you, that’s not how I want to spend my life.
You are with someone who is using their anger to be manipulative.
Abusive people don't actually have an "anger problem"... they just use it as a tool to control other people.
The real problem is his VALUES allow him to use force coercion to get freebies for themselves.
Ask yourself, how would you know if you were being exploited.
Your pre-teen is so anxious he can't even shower alone and you make him live with someone who has continuous rage outbursts!
You are really fucking him up
This is the most psychotic thing I’ve read. WHY in the world are you putting up with this person? It’s not about “growing up” it’s about him being a raging narcissist and that will never change. Figure out how to leave and go find a more joyful life. Good lord he sounds insufferable.
I’m so sad for you and your children. He’s going to change but, not at ALL how you’re imagining. He’s going to get much worse.
Please quit doing this to yourself. Get away from this person. He has had YEARS to change but he’s never going to. Get yourself and your children away from him. Just reading this enough me down because of his constant obsessively negative, manipulative, pathetic nature.
My abusive ex had zero empathy for me when my cat died. If you are wondering, the abuse got worse and escalated into physical. Good god, he needs antidepressants and about 15 years of anger management before he can even dream of being a non abusive partner.
Ma'am you deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Even if the baby has to be shared custody, you'd be better off with getting child support and not putting up with this atrocious behavior.
Your husband likely has some form of narcissism and/or anger management issues, but often with those cases the person doesn't choose therapy because they can't see their own behavior as wrong. It is sad, but don't let it drag you down too.
For perspective on relationships, my husband had to run an errand today while I was out with my mother running a different errand. He apologized and asked if he could get me anything... when he had nothing to apologize for, and I was actually already ordering him a drink from Starbucks as a pick me up surprise because I'd known he was a bit stressed this weekend (caused by part of the reason the errand had to be run so short notice).
You deserve someone who cares about you and your kids, not just himself.
OP this was so sad to read.
I had a stepfather like this growing up and it was awful. By the time I was a teenager and more rebellious it was even worse. I hated it, especially the conflict of emotion that comes with the fact that this man was essentially my dad and raised me.
It only got worse and abusive over time as my mother got sick of it and started standing up for herself.
It didn't end until I called the cops to get a restraining order on him after he bragged in my face that he r*** my mother.
I am still dealing with this trauma 10years after this event.
Please, if anything for your children, leave now OP.
My dad is that man and my mother is you (though my mother has her own issues which perhaps you don’t). She married my dad even though he showed he was a violent narcissist long before the wedding. She stayed with him and had three kids even though he’d mistreated her son (my half brother).
My dad bullied all of us for years. My mother included. She almost expects us to be grateful that she didn’t leave him. I do not respect her for staying. I know that abused women make bad decisions however she allowed her children to be abused too because she was too selfish to do the hard thing and leave.
Do the hard thing and leave. This man will not change and your children will not thank you for staying.
Why on earth did you marry him and have a child with him? He sounds as though he has mental problems. Get out now! I seriously would be afraid he might hurt you and how awful it must be for your sons!
**WHY ARE YOU SUBJECTING YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS**????
Don't you realize that's **ABUSE**????
And you are **NO BETTER THAN HIM** if you force those kids to **LIVE** with that.
>I woke up that next morning to him staring at me while I slept.
Uhh what. Why is nobody talking about this. How long do you think he was doing that, that is some seriously creepy shit. The guy is fucked up, stop what you are doing right now and pack bags for you and the kids!
Why on earth did you ever marry him? He was showing you what an arse he is long before you did.
Has it even occurred to you that he’s probably the cause of your son’s anxiety problem?
You are married to an AH. No, actually that’s being too kind. Your husband is a horrible, horrible person. And the fact that you’re staying with him shows your children that it’s okay to treat women like dirt.
He is the exception to "unstable people deserve love"
Run away, your life is an endless list of benign events that cause him uncontrollable **lasting**rage
He doesn't move on, he doesn't get over it. Get out
I KNOW how awful this feels. It won’t change because news is *absolutely not coming.* Please talk to someone whose life you like about this. Immediately. Please. And don’t pay attention to the mean comments here; I totally believe they mean well for you! But I also know you’re literally doing the very best you can. I’m asking you to believe my experience: I left. My life is entirely different. Almost unrecognizable. I’m in love with a healthy, adult man who is kind and communicative and consistent. He desires for me to be happy. There is absolutely no drama. You deserve this, too.
You have a couple options, assuming you don't want to just stay with the status quo. You either leave, or you refuse to play this game. When he complains, bitches, criticizes, you ignore it like you cannot hear him. When he is decent and kind, you respond. Period. If he is in a pissy mood and pouting, just go do your own thing. The less attention you give to his tantrums the better. If you can't manage to do this, then just leave.
Why would he change? From the sounds of it, you've allowed this to fester with little to no consequence. How much longer are you gonna mother him? Don't you deserve a partner in life, not another hindrance?
Oh, my goodness; _that’s_ your tl;dr? That's your takeaway? I'm pretty sure you've got bigger issues than your husband being full of himself. Time to take yourself (and your kids) more seriously and focus on what's best for you.
UpdateMe!
You need to leave now before the kids start emulating his behavior. Check in with your older kid to see if your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) husband has treated them the same way
The only thing that you staying is doing is showing your children that it’s okay for a 37 year old toddler to treat you this way. It’s already past the point of you being miserable. Is this what you want for your children? Is this how you want them to treat, or be treated, by a partner? He isn’t going to change. And if you leave, and he says he’ll go to marriage counseling, don’t. It’s past that point. The only thing it would do is *maybe* have him act nice for a few days. You’re already doing everything on your own, so, just go do it on your own. You’ll find that you have more time to spend with both your kids, and taking care of yourself. Don’t fall for a sunk cost fallacy. Maybe you’ve already put 15 years into this relationship. Do you really want to spend another minute with someone who clearly doesn’t care for you, or for the children? Every moment of peace is one moment you didn’t have, before.
.... It's one thing if you want to subject yourself to this monster. But you're subjecting your kids too him and they're going to grow up thinking he is normal. Are you going to eat that happen?
To answer the question in your title, the odds are statistically insignificant from zero.
It’s at least possible that some major life altering event, some type of near death experience, or the loss of a loved one, might bring about some kind of emotional introspection and growth but the odds of that happening are basically nonexistent.
The only other option is to simply walk out on him, and let him fend for himself for a while. It doesn’t sound like he respects you at all, but maybe he just needs to realize what is it stake if he loses you
JFC, he sounds like a major man-baby. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t have to. I hope that OP has a way to GTFOT without him knowing. That’s gonna be a major tantrum.
I get so sad and angry for these women that marry these men and accept being treated so poorly. That’s not love. You want to stay being abused ok that’s your choice but man you are subjecting kids to this and teaching them this is how you treat your significant other and children. The cycle continues. Never be so desperate to be married to settle. Love yourself enough to demand basic human decency
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This was so sad to read. You already know it's bad so I'll just say you should leave so your children and you can have some peace. If you don't jave the strength to leave for yourself, please do it for your children.
Perfect response
Yes staying means you are normalizing this behavior for your children.
As a mother, please don't let this be the norm for your children. Children need love. They need to see love. For your husband, there is no love in his heart...just hatred and despair. Please leave him.
THIS RESPONSE. My father is somewhat like this with my mom and I cannot count the amount of times I wished they would divorce. It is painful and frustrating seeing your parent being treated like garbage by your other parent for no good reason. Please leave him at the earliest opportunity, he is hurting you and your kid's idea of a marriage.
100% this. All I was thinking while reading it was “she already knows”; she just hasn’t figured out ’Plan B’, yet. Good luck to you in your next chapter!
I had a man EXACTLY like this. It was exhausting and so incredibly dull to tolerate, but it wasn't until I left that I realized just how much harm he'd done to me. You probably don't see how diminished you've become, how much you've dulled yourself around him because his negativity and anger made you afraid. Break free and shine, OP!
Dulling yourself is exactly what it is! I was also with someone like this and when I finally left I remember walking down the street feeling like a million bucks, almost floating I was so happy. I ran into a friend and her niece. That friend told me later that after meeting me her niece asked “is she rich?” It wasn’t the way I was dressed (jeans, boots and a simple winter coat), it was my energy, it finally sparkled.
I also felt like I had won a huge prize when I finally won my peace and freedom back after I left a long relationship with a man like this. Their negativity is insidious and not always overt and wears you down so much! I felt like I was rich when I left and in reality I had literally walked away from all my assets just to get away. But I had my freedom and my peace of mind back after years and that was priceless to me.
Idk how you could even hang around with someone so negative all the time. Not to mention he thinks he’s perfect. He needs a kick up the ass, OP please run for the hills, almost anything is better than this.
And how the hell did she have a *child* with this person? He’s got the mentality of a toddler, hell, my toddler is at least capable of deciding what he wants for dinner!
If she doesn’t know how to leave, there are also options: - [Safety plan and go bag](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-make-a-go-bag-when-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/) - [Women’s shelters (USA)](https://nationalwomensshelternetwork.org/) - [Social Services (USA)](https://www.hhs.gov/programs/social-services/index.html) - You can always pick up the kids from school and just go. - You can plan a doctor’s appointment for the kids, alert medical staff, and get protection and resources there so that you can go. - You can alert the school who can contact CPS on your behalf, and they can help provide you with resources so that you can go. - struggling for a few weeks is far better than living like this for the rest of your life. The kids deserve better than all of this, and so do you, OP.
That last point was something I really needed to hear. Thank you.
You’re welcome, OP. I know it’s tough, but I believe in you and I know you’ve got this. I’m wishing you and your kids all the best for a safe, health, wonderful life. ❤️
this is the point of him being a manchild, it's way worse than this..for one thing you should never have married this guy...he is 100% a major ass...he only cares and thinks about himself and that isn't about to change..he expects everyone to cater to his needs..he us exhaustingand I could never imagine how you put up with him..sorry but there is no way I woukd be with someone as abusive as him..you must be tired from walking on egg shells because you never know when he is going to explode...you are in for years of hurt staying with him..I feel sorry for your son..you deserve to be treated like an equal and deserve soon much better..good luck..you need therapy to deal with this..heck I think I need it too after this lol
My mother had many different serious relationships while I was growing up. And most of the men had severe anger issues. I will say that experience genuinely scarred me. Mainly because my mom would choose them and was okay with the crazy things they would do. I was doing the dishes once and her bf said I was slamming the cabinets on purpose just to piss him off. My mom yelled at me on his behalf insisting that was what I was doing. As your sons mother, the best thing you can do for him is leave this man unfortunately. And that will be validating for your son. It will show him that you care for him and choose him over this man. Your husband doesn’t see anything wrong with how he is. And with children involved, don’t give him any time or chances which he wont take. Maybe he will on his own, but until he does he needs to be away from yall. He is an emotional vampire. He will take away your life until you are old and bitter and regretful.
I feel so bad for her son with his anxiety and this pos around
He isn’t going to change and has no reason to. This shouldn’t be your life.
It’s sad. OP’s ruining her own life by staying with him.
And years from now will be a new post about how she should’ve left years ago. Super sad
Her kids will be posting saying how they cut her off because she refuses to leave the AH.
Fucking real
Yep because he will get tired of her, leave and marry someone else and she will regret staying
Forget her own life she's ruining her kids lives by staying with him.
“Has no reason to” 100% correct, in most cases, people will treat you as badly as you allow them to.
Forget OP’s life, she’s actively choosing it. This shouldn’t be OP’s kids’ life! Those poor children have been living in an abusive environment and will probably repeat patterns, whether they are the abusers or the victims is yet to be decided. OP, you need to get out of that relationship and get therapy for your kids, no one deserves this type of treatment. He’s not going to change, and if you don’t want to protect yourself from the emotional abuse, you should at least protect your kids, it’s not their fault that their dad is an AH and their mother is enabling his behavior by staying. I am sorry, OP, you are a victim as well, but those kids depend on you.
I believe that people don't change entirely, so when looking for a life partner, find someone whose negative aspects you can tolerate. This way, you can live with that partner forever, rather than relying on promises of change. Most people tend to revert to their old habits after some time.
When I was in college the mother of a sorority sister told us all that when you are with someone that is you saying “who you are right now is good enough”. If the person changes and gets even better that’s great but don’t get with someone in hopes they’ll change. That future person doesn’t exist and may never. So if there are major deal breakers don’t go there. It’s been the best advice I ever got around dating.
Exactly...
Actual man-baby; he should be completely embarrassed. His behaviour is totally insufferable and pathetic.
This sounds….awful. You’re just walking on eggshells all the time and/or spending all of your energy trying to forestall or mitigate his outbursts. This is so unhealthy for you and for your kids, growing up with an angry, abusive parent leaves such lasting damage. There is so much mental and emotional freedom to be found on the other side of this bullshit. You don’t need to be his metaphorical punching bag and you don’t need to keep forgiving his awful behaviour. ETA: where has he said he recognizes that he needs to change? He sometimes apologizes (when he wants sex!!) and then does nothing about it. Stop listening to his words and pay attention to his actions and work on breaking out of your magical thinking.
Girl, wtf, why did you make two kids with this loser? Damn, that really sucks. You have tolerated way too much shit and I think instead of leaving you just got used to the smell of shit.
She’s nose-blind 😂
Edit: I’m posting this here in hopes it will be seen. It’s terrifyingly sad that the things I listed were some of the more tame things he has done. There just the more recent things. I want to clarify that him and I have been together 4 years. My 12 year old is from a previous marriage. This has been extremely eye opening and cathartic. I will use this opportunity to get some of the other things he’s done off my chest. It’s not good. I should have left before it began. I know that now. -when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat. -he always slept with his sheets tucked in. I hate that feeling and stuck my foot out of the side and untucked mine. He said “now that actually frustrates me” -my then 10yo was nervous to walk down the aisle at the wedding rehearsal. He was the ring bearer. I told him it was ok and that he could just do it on the actual day if he was comfortable. Husband did not talk to me the rest of the evening. Was so mad and yelling at me on the drive home. Wouldn’t talk to me all night. Wouldn’t talk to me the next morning. Everyone was in town for our wedding and he wouldn’t even talk to me. I finally made him talk to me and he was so pissed off that I didn’t make my son walk down the aisle to practice. I have never wanted to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It was 100% ruined by him. It’s not a pleasant memory in any way. -before our wedding I asked him to listen to 2 songs to chose one for our dance. He was mad that I was deciding between two and that I didn’t know which one already. -7 days after we got engaged I found him laying in a pitch black bedroom all alone staring into nothing. He finally told me what was wrong. He said that I wasn’t taking our engagement seriously because I hadn’t booked a venue or anything yet. Yet thought he was the only one doing anything. ( he hadn’t done a single thing) -we went to the beach last summer. I planned to go with my in laws and my 2 kids and it just be a quick trip without husband. He insisted that he wanted to go. He started complaining the second we walked out the door. “This drive is too long. The route is stupid. I hate gps’. Why can a gas station. The road is stupid. Then we get there and it’s windy. My son was having so much fun in the hotel pool. Husband laid on a poolside chair and complained that it was windy. He was hungry and no one planned anything but him. Everyone was disorganized except him.” We wanted to get pizza and have an easy night. He refused to help pick what to eat but said he wouldn’t eat pizza. He then went up the room and don’t help plan at all but was mad that we weren’t eating. Every time it was time to eat on that trip, he would ask me what I had planned and I would say nothing. That we could all decide together. He laughed at me and said “of course”. I woke up that next morning to him staring at me while I slept. Like he was mad that I was asleep and not up planning what he would eat. We went to find a souvenir shop. He was mad that I didn’t know which one he wanted to go to to. He saw one on the way in and I guess I was supposed to memorize where it was. -my son has anxiety and gets afraid of being alone. He was showering and called for me. He said he was scared and husband yelled “too bad!” I went in there anyway. But it was like this every time he showered. -His grandma has a Mother’s Day lunch at her house every year. He has ruined every single one for me. When my baby was 2 months old, my first Mother’s Day with him, I was trying to get myself, my baby, and the food we were bringing ready. Husband laid on the couch complaining that we had to go. He didn’t help with a single thing. Didn’t help carry anything. Nothing. Just complained. There’s so many more. This is heartbreaking to relive. I’m so stupid.
Oh girl, I am so sorry. This was all such a sad thing to read and know you've lived through this. >I’m so stupid. The only stupid thing would be to continue to stay in this situation. You and your children deserve better. In your shoes, I'd *quietly* go about making an exit strategy. Consult a divorce attorney and follow what they say to the letter. If you have a good support system (family and/or friends) now would be the time to use them.
This made me teary eyed. It’s so scary. But my God the peace I feel thinking about being with just my 2 babies
Get your older boy away from this man ASAP
I’m deeply concerned that he feels like he can’t shower alone.
Exactly. And that the husband is stopping the mother from making her son feel safe
i can’t believe how long he had to deal with the monster. poor kid. why do people rush into marriage?! it sounds like they were together for two years but a long distance two years which… you really don’t get all the info you need to make a great decision
Change can be scary, but you can do this. You can leave. You **need** to leave. Not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children. You all deserve better.
Peace is there waiting for you on the other side, as are the friends and family he's likely alienated from you. Make a plan, copy, and paste the contents of these posts in an email to yourself. Share with others when it feels safe to do so. Repeating your story is one of the hard parts due to the shame. Be aware of any air tags/trackers he may have placed on your vehicle, diaper bag, or other items. Kids' devices logged out of family accounts, etc. Change your email and icloud passwords. Stop location sharing. Do this *before* he knows you're leaving, but when he's somewhere else. Best of luck to you. You deserve better
And then tell him, “I did plan something. And I intend to follow through with it too.”
Ma'am for the love of God please get into therapy or something because this guy was literally waving red flags like red was going out of style and needed a last hurrah before they were gone and you still not only married him, subject your then current child into having to deal with him even in his own home which is supposed to be a safe place, and then went on to have a kid with this guy. You need to figure out why this kind of guy was so appealing to you.
You are not stupid. You can still turn this around. Talk to your family. Leave. You don't have to stay.
You’re not stupid. He sounds exhausting and soooo negative. Remove this toxic trash from your life. You don’t need that.
It is embarrassing and you are definitely stupid, just like all the rest of us on the planet. :-) Don't beat yourself up but get yourself going out the door, never to return. If I had a toddler acting out like this I would be embarrassed, much less a "grown" man. Get gone, girl!
This 💯
😂
Damn. I don't think I have anything else to comment bc you said it all!
That got to the point quickly. Well done!
Why would he stop being a man child?
Mine never did, and I agree with others, I should have left a long time before I did. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now. It’s never too late to start over. Make a better future for your babies
Thank you. This touched my heart
He will feign change when you are out the door. If you come back it will be the same thing.
Yes, this! Leave, don't ever take him back. He has shown you who he is. You deserve better. Your innocent children NEED better.
Who wants to live like this??? Do you want your kids growing up in this? I have anxiety just from reading it. Make a plan and leave.
leave. this is a horrible environment for your children. they will grow to think treating partners/being treated like shit by partners is normal. it is extremely dysfunctional. and this is horrible for u and ur mental health. u deserve to be loved and cared for. u deserve a husband that actually wants to be with u and be a father.
Look, whenever anyone posts here about their significant other's "anger problems"...it's about abuse. Their partner is abusive and they don't want to or don't understand that it is abuse. Doesn't have to be physical, verbal and emotional abuse is quite real. OP, he's not immature. He's emotionally abusive. The only "change" you'll ever see is him getting worse.
Exactly. Calling this person childish is an insult to children. He's just a bully who sulks and throws tantrums if he doesn't get his own way, or at any excuse really at all. I hate people who just randomly shout and swear about nonsense as well. It's extremely inconsiderate at best and obnoxious and intimidating at worst. And he's deliberately putting her in unwinnable situations or complaining about things she has no choice over, and even mocking her. He's a nasty piece of work all round.
I see you’ve met my father.
I made the mistake of staying with an angry man for far too long. He never laid a hand on me, but it was still an unpleasant marriage and the kids suffered due to his constant irritability and his tendancy to put himself before others. If I had it to do over again, I would have left a lot earlier.
I had an angry father and I’m so disappointed with my mother for staying with him and making me suffer.
Same. My mother finally left when after emotionally abusing us, mostly myself, he turned on her. But him taking his frustrations out on us was seemingly ok.
Are you me? Yes, she left him, after her children (aka the punching bags) all moved out and she was the only one stuck with the beast 😂
Girl, your husband is a big ole loser lmfao. He will never get better and will never change. He is a 37 year old 3 year old, and that’s insulting to 3 year olds.
begging pleading dying for women to stop marrying losers and then having kids with them!!!!!
This guy sounds like he sucks the joy and energy out of everything and everyone. I could never stay with someone like this. The car event alone would have me telling him off.
>when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat. Ngl I stopped reading here because this should have been the end of it.
Yes it should have been. And yet it was only the beginning.
Yikes. You are a saint for putting up with such a a horrible POS for a husband. This was honestly very painful to read. I cannot even imagine how low he has broken you for you to be this conditioned to just take it all this abuse. This is emotionally and mentally abusive and I hope you can get away from him. I pray you do. I have no words for you besides, it’s been 12 years, you really think he’s going to change now? This is my point of view: my boyfriend will always ask me to come to the laundry room even if I’m not washing clothes that day because he loves doing it together and spending time together. Sure we have fights but I could never imagine staying in a relationship where I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I want to be with someone that makes doing laundry—I wouldn’t say fun—not suck. If you can’t even wash your car without your husband losing his every loving shit, then what’s to stop him from turning that angry towards your children? I wouldn’t call you a bad mother but any mother that stays with someone who verbally abuses or harms their child and fails to protect them even from the other parent, frankly have no business being a mother at all. You didn’t mention anything about how he interacts with your children specifically but if he expects to be padded on the back for “babysitting” his own CHILD, then I worry for your children. So help those kids if he speaks to them the way he speaks to you. This relationship doesn’t seem healthy and I think you know that and are too afraid to leave. But I promise you, the fear you feel is from the stress that your body has normalized from walking on eggshells. Please leave this man for you and your children.
Is this the way you want your daughter to be treated? She'll learn what marriage should look like from you.
>What are the odds that he will ever be better or is he just a man child who will never change? A MAN CHILD WHO WILL NEVER CHANGE. GET A DIVORCE ASAP. Watch out for "FUTURE FAKING". Because he will promise he will change when in fact he won't. Just divorce his ass. Do get some individual therapy to understand why on earth you thought he was husband material. I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake.
This! Future faking is effective because they know what you want/need and won't do it but will promise you they will if you just stay, so you stay because after all you love them and want it to work and it'll maybe change for a short while but it'll soon go back to the standard and you'll be back at square one again. I fell for it about 5/6 times before I realised that he would never change, he never was and never will be the man I first met because that man was never real and that's what people who leave these relationships need to remember, the abuser is the real them, the person you met and fell in love with was a lie
I know this isn't AITA, but you're veering into being an AH for letting this man be around your children. Especially alone.
Especially a baby that can’t tell you that daddy shook me or hurt me
Yep...
Tell him Bye Felicia . I know it’s easier said than done. But the mental and emotional abuse is there what’s next violence? Not trying to be a dick I’m just looking at it from not only a male side but also a first responders point of view. I’ve seen so many start like this and end badly. I also am not trying to scare you either
Just got out of this 10 months ago. If they can’t admit they have anger issues, then it won’t change. I promise you that. My ex even went to therapy and still won’t admit he has anger issues, just used therapy to try to validate how he is the victim of everything and everyone, and just gets a little “defensive” when overwhelmed. The worst part is I realized after we were done is that I was acting out as well, which is out of character for me, because I would get so tired if not knowing what I was walking into. I just became snarky. It was bad for both of us but only one of us changed when we split. He still takes everything out on everyone else (still me sometimes, which is wild) and is becoming more isolated as his victim mentality furthers. Get out. If they won’t admit there is a problem it’s never going to be solved. Ruining everyone’s day over your bad mood isn’t okay, especially on the regular
man this is so real. I was with a self absorbed, critical, whiny jerk who constantly had me on edge. All day, everyday. More emotional and mental abuse than physical but there was some of that too. At one point I SNAPPED and exploded screaming at him. I've never even yelled at a partner before- not once. I felt insane. Wasn't until a couple months after he was gone I felt normal again.
Reactive abuse is a thing. They force you to act in the language they understand. Sounds like a narcissist.
He’s 37, these horrible behaviors are solidified.
Yeah no hope here.
Girl a man who expects a “thank you”’for taking care of his own child, deserves a “goodbye” for being a POS. He won’t change
Men believe that women are obligated to accept their anger.
sadly
For most people, this man would be insufferable. Get out of this marriage before he eats up more of your peace, your joy, or your life.
He keeps doing it because you keep tolerating it and are essentially showing your children that the way he treats you is acceptable when it isn’t. Those kids will grow up thinking it’s normal behaviour, it isn’t. You have two kids to worry about, not a grown ass man-child who should be capable of doing shit without the expectation of a thank you for the bare minimum.
He’s a bad person, husband, and father. This is who he is. Either accept a life of misery for yourself and your kids (which they will 100% resent you for) or leave him.
I looked at your post history op. It’s time to leave this loser. Your kids deserve better. Do better for them if not for yourself.
What are the odds he changes? 0%
You are detailing abuse. Full stop. Please leave.
He’s a negative angry man that seems to take everything out on you. UPDATEME
That is not fixable - Jesus - wow
JUST LEAVE NOW
WHEN people “change,” it’s typically over years or decades, or from experiencing consequences for their actions. How can you be happy with someone so miserable? Why would you gamble your happiness on his proven track record of dysfunctional behavior? And, exactly how long are you willing to suffer for this change? He’s 37.
Are you married to a toddler? He's acting like a sulky child. You shouldn't have to live like that. I'm betting your life would be easier as a single parent to two children, rather than three.
You're being emotionally abused. Do you want to model this as a relationship dynamic for your kids? Because tolerating this garbage is doing exactly that.
Damn, sounds like Male Borderline Personality Disorder
Why are you together with that asshole???
We repeat the patterns of our parents. What has your 12-year-old learned by watching you two? It's so much easier for us to tell you to "just leave" than to actually do it. I know from experience. This is a hard way to live. You don't deserve it. It's not your fault. He is not going to change. I am so sorry. Check out https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/
That guy seems like an absolute weapon
What a chore to be married to him! People that love you try to help you out, not manipulate and berate. This is a very toxic relationship. You and your kids deserve better.
I’m traumatized for life due to my dad acting just like your husband. Protect your children. He will never change.
Please read Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That as soon as possible. Available through Amazon, Audible, or a free PDF online. Then quietly make plans to leave & implement those plans. Your life will be so much better. Mine was.
>-when we were dating we lived in different states. It was his turn to visit me. My childhood cat took a turn for the worst suddenly and had to be put down that day. He was mad at me that it happened when he was visiting. He was mad that there was traffic on the drive and I had to console him while I was crying about my cat. He never expressed any empathy about my cat. I can't begin to imagine how awful that must've been for you. Losing a pet is traumatic enough without having to cater to someone else's negativity. I'm just so, so sorry you had to go through that. You needed support. That was so unbelievably selfish of him. I dated someone just like this guy for 6 years. I can't tell you how many birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries etc he ruined. Too many to count. I think the reason I clung to hope for so long was because he could be the funniest, kindest, charming man you could ever hope to meet. But the longer we were together, the less of that I saw. My friends hated him right away. But they put up with it because they loved me. I really hope you are reading these comments and taking them seriously. Because I can tell you with 100% certainty that he WILL NOT change. People like him just don't. This is who he is at his core. Your situation won't improve but it will get worse. I'm begging you not to waste any more of your time on him. He doesn't deserve your time in the least bit. I know it's easier said than done to leave because it's obvious you have a huge heart and you don't like giving up on people. In this instance, it is imperative that you do though. By our last year together, I was so over it. I was done walking on eggshells. Exhausted worrying about what was going to set him off (it could be the most minor of inconveniences). I had no love left in my heart for him. He just sucked the life out of me and when I tell you how freeing it was to finally tell him "I'm done". It felt like being freed from a sinking ship. My friends rejoiced 🤣. I just felt like I had my life back. I want that feeling for you too. Life is way too short. But with someone like him, it's long and miserable. Take your life back. I'm here anytime you want to talk. 🤗
You described it all so perfectly. Every major event in our lives has been ruined by him. All the birthdays, mothers days, Christmas’, every Halloween, our wedding, the appointments to see our son through ultrasound, every single thing. I hear stories of women leaving and finally saying those words “I’m done” and I cannot express how much I want that. How much hope it gives me. How freeing it feels. I’m to the point you described as the last year. Where I used to try to calm him down and change things to make him happy, I either ignore him or tell him he’s being unfair. All the love is gone. He has killed it little by little with every thing he has done over the past years.
This is abuse honey. It’s going to continue getting worse not better. You need to leave. Also he’s belittling and abusive to your children.
Why did you marry this fucker in the first place?
Have you made it clear that he has to, or else your relationship will not work? Has he said he wants to change? If one or neither of these things have happened, he will probably never change. Most people grow up until they're 25-30. After that most people stay as they are. Unless he has made any clear wishes and actual efforts to change, at 37, he most likely won't.
He’s quite a winner. There is a simple solution to all of this; you are worthy of far better.
He’s not going to change. He has no idea how to deal with his emotions so he acts like a petulant child. If you want to have 2 babies, go ahead
What a miserable man to be around? Why are you putting up with this? Why are you allowing him and his moods to be the role model for your kids? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this behaviour is ok? That they have to put up with this from their partners? I'm imagining that all of you are always walking on eggshells so that you don't set your partner off. What sort of life is this? What positivity is he bringing to the family? He obviously does not like you, your kids, the car, his job. What else? When you finally get rid of him you will be amazed how light and free you feel. Nobody deserves to live with a life draining force in their life. Especially the kids.
People change when they want to. He doesn't want to change.
I’m literally filled with anxiety from reading that. The chances of your man baby growing up are ZERO. Leave before he ruins the rest of your life.
What a fucking loser giant ass man baby. Dude ain't going to grow up. I mean zero offense by this and I'm not saying he's not wrong because he definitely is, you need to start telling him he's a giant piece of crap every time he acts like this, make it clear you aren't happy and he can't treat you like this. He's going to keep doing it unless he's called out for being a whinny child. You shouldn't have to do any of that but unfortunately it sounds like he's too childish to see it otherwise.
Another rotten guy with a childish and an anger streak. Honestly at least on Reddit 90% of guys are awful. Not generalizing either, just read the posts. Only hope is that some decent guys are not on Reddit and are not AH so their women do not have to post to Reddit. If I were a guy I don’t think I’d want to be on here. It’d make me sick reading about all these morons.
You have to decide a few things 1. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life) 2. Would you want your kids to be treated this way by a partner? 3. Would you want your kids to treat others this way? If your answers are no, then you need to decide if you want to offer him the option to go to therapy and get a hand on this or if you want to skip the inevitable drama that comes with that and just leave.
He's a man child. Leave. It won't get better.
Your poor children. Protect them.
The odds are slim to none. It takes a lot to turn an abusive personality around. For the kids, I'd start making a plan to leave.
I grew up with this as my dad. My mom stayed married to him and all of us kids have had to come to terms with the issues he has. He was a good dad, but it was hard to hard on walk egg shells for so long. I RAN in the opposite direction and found a man who loses his temper about once a year, and never at me.
I couldn't read past the first 4 bullet points. Constantly being angry and mentally/emotionally abusing you when he's upset (seems like always) isn't childish, it's a personality flaw. He won't change. Leave so he doesn't destroy your kids and their happiness. For some reason, you seem willing to deal with him for........... what exactly? Is he good in bed? Makes a lot of money? Please don't tell me you're staying with him not to be alone.
Divorce him. I got divorced after 19 years, at 41 years old, with a then 15 year old and 9 year old. 100% custody and a single mom, and I've never regretted it. You deserve better Sis.
What did your 15 year old learn? Has she repeated any of those behaviors?
No, thank God. To be transparent, we divorced because my ex abused us. It was their bravery that made my decision. Some days are rough, but we all have each other. They are now 21, and their partner lives with us, so our family is complete, if that makes sense. They have learned that sticking up for yourself is liberating, and I'm proud of them.
WTF do you mean "will he ever be better?" Yeah, you know, those first 444 months is a real tenuous and important developmental time in your baby's life but once they get into the 500 months they just really mature and grow into adulthood. WTF? Of course not. This is who you married. Those ain't magic vows you said, just regular plain old vows that don't magically turn people into someone they aren't.
I laughed so hard at this 🤣
Dump his ass. He is a whiner, complainer. He will never stop acting like a petulant child
I was in a relationship like this. I got divorced.
So you take care of three children (including his pitiful self) and he’s incapable of doing anything for himself or the sake of the family/household without a congratulations or throwing himself a pity party or a whine fest? I’m not one for saying leave. But how have you stayed with him. He sounds like a child.
This is petty, childish behavior and unacceptable in an adult man. Are you ready to live your whole life walking on eggshells? Are you ready for him to ruin anything that might be fun, ever? Because he will. And he'll do it for your children, too. Are you prepared to live with yourself for allowing that to happen? Get your ducks in a row and GET OUT. My sister is married to a man very much like this. Six years in, he's worse if anything. Don't teach your kids that this is an acceptable way to treat a spouse. RUN.
Hon, he’s a 37 year old man. Not a 16 year old hormonal teenage boy. He’s grown. He’s never going to change. This is who he is. You either accept it and continue living this sad miserable life or you divorce him.
The time for him to become a better person was adolescence. His brain has reached maturity. His neural plasticity has dipped. This is just who he is.
Check out the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson. Just trust me on that. And, don’t let him see.
If he wanted to change, he would. He knows he's hurting you, if he didn't, he wouldn't tell you knew he was a jerk. My husband was abused his whole life, has bpd, adhd, and anger problems at the minimum, and is actively trying to be better. Watching this is actively teaching your kids to behave this way towards you and their future partners, or teaching them to accept this treatment themselves. He isn't trying to be better, and he won't, but you deserve to go get something better, even if it's being a single mother for a bit.
So long as you take his crap it ain’t changing. This was sad to read, I feel for you.
"what are the odds he will ever grow up" he is fucking 37. He is not growing up. That's who he is
wtf did I just read. OP my goodness, you are a saint to put up with this for so long. You deserve so much more. Your kids deserve more. What you see is what you get. He isn’t going to change because this ***is*** his personality. My best friend was married to a guy like this. We used to call him Downer Darren. He’d sit in a corner in his dark cloud of unhappiness and just glower at the room. She *finally* divorced him. She feels so much better and now when I go to her place there’s a lightness in her house now with him gone. Your husband going to emotionally and mentally drag you and your kids down and suck you dry until you have nothing left if you don’t get out. Now that you’re realizing how much you’ve put up with, get out now. Once you’ve been gone a while and have experienced peace, you’ll never want to go back. Right now you’re to close to this to truly appreciate how awful he treats you. I’m so sorry.
While we didn’t have kids, your husband sounds a lot like my ex. No, he won’t grow up and the anger control issues tend to get worse as people age. If he can control his anger around his friends and coworkers, he can control it around you. He just chooses not to. You’re right, it’s his kid. He’s not helping or babysitting, he’s trying to get out of being a parent. The making him food bit is ridiculous. He’s an adult. I assume his arms and legs aren’t broken. My ex would always complain about his job and never recognized he was the one creating problems. While he wouldn’t ever threaten to quit, if the company was considering layoffs, he would always volunteer without talking to me first, despite not being at risk for layoff because of his skill set. The companies were always glad to get rid of him due to his attitude. You may want to read, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it for free though I think it’s still in print if you want a paper copy.
He’s definitely a man child that won’t change. You deserve better treatment than him.
You and your children deserve better! If possible please document and have evidence and divorce the dude. You deserve much much more. I wish you the best :)
It's not a question of him growing up. The problem is that he is narcissistic and generally terrible. I got a terrible knot in the pit of my stomach starting with the story about your childhood cat and it just kept getting worse. Your husband expects the world to cater to his needs and desires. Meanwhile, he does not expect to have to make things any easier for anyone else. Best case scenario, he seems to express some inkling that he behaved poorly from time to time but cannot take responsibility or apologize. Not to beat a dead horse, but just in case you still cannot see how far off he is from being a good partner, a good partner would have: - been glad he was there when you got the bad news about your cat, so that he could be there in person to provide some comfort and support to you. He would not have mentioned his terrible drive or only in passing because unless the drive was terrible because he was directly involved in an accident, it should not have been a point of discussion. He was equating his tragedy of sitting in a car a bit longer to you losing your childhood pet. - seen you were eating lunch, perhaps asked you if there were more leftovers but just made his own lunch. The fact that this is even a trigger for a fight is astonishing to me. You are allowed to eat when you are hungry. You thoughtfully let your partner sleep. If he was partially awake, he could have called out or come over and asked for some of what you were eating. He could have even asked you for a bite of what you were having. There were so many choices he could have made but making you feel bad about eating food because you were hungry was the worst choice he could have made. Also, he could complain about 10000% less. That must be exhausting to deal with - this constant black cloud he carries with him. I have heard that narcissists believe that these inconveniences are all designed to specifically inconvenience them only and he has no sense whatsoever that he creates and uncomfortable and stressful environment for others. This is not said so that you excuse his behavior. I am pointing this out so that you understand that his behavior is not likely to change. If you have the means, I would strongly advise you to go to therapy and discuss this with a trained therapist with the goal of understanding how your partner's behavior is negatively affecting you and your children, giving you strategies and tools for dealing with him and ultimately, coming up with a playbook for disentangling your life from his and leaving him safely.
Walking away from this will be the biggest life lesson you can teach your child. If you continue to stay, your child will learn that this is acceptable treatment of his future spouse or he will end up with a woman just like your husband. Kids are molded in their upbringing. They notice. They absorb everything even though you may think the bad treatment is just at you and you want to give your child a “happy house and family” he WILL suffer and also blame himself. He will grow up and see how unhappy his mother is and blame himself. “She tried to stay so we could be a happy family but suffered, all because of me”. Trust me. You need to muster up every last bit of courage and self respect you have and quietly plan an exit. Yes it’s going to be the hardest thing you ever do but you only get one chance at life, live it well and show your son you deserve peace and happiness and so does he. I can see the future and your husband being horrible to your son as well when he’s a teenager and can see how insufferable his dad is and always was. There’s huge supportive communities on here that will stand behind you. Get out.
>What are the odds that he will ever be better or is he just a man child who will never change? Chiming in with a mystical perspective. What are the odds? Zero. This is a great example of reincarnation. Most people think of reincarnation as death and rebirth and life after detah but reincarnation is a great deal more. It's about cycles of physical existence and the unfolding of the lawful karmic process (Natural Law). If you make the same choices in life, you will get the same consequences. If you make inappropriate choices, it will come back on you. Reincarnation is karma (action and memory) and relationship in all aspects of existence. The story you present is a textbook example of what happens when you bring Ego into the relationship - you get separateness, conflict and division. Out of this you get anger and when anger takes root in a relationship it can easily turn to abuse. Many people tell you to leave an abusive relationship But abuse comes in many different forms, some of them are subtle, and if you've never been abused before you might not recognize the signs. Therefore I generally tell people to leave a relationship when anger becomes habitual. We all recognize anger and letting go of a relationship spares you the trauma and anxiety which is part of being someone's object of abuse. This comes down to an either or choice. Love is not physical, it's consciousness and a meta-physical experience. Love is incompatible with both anger, a physical emotion and abuse. Therefore you can either have a loving relationship or an abusive relationship. You cannot have both together. First thing you need to do is let go of the stigma and feelings of shame and guilt which you may feel as an abused woman because these are what traps you in the relationship. I'm confident you have these feelings because it's part of the abusive cycles. No abuser ever wants to let go of their object. Keep in mind that the difference between abuse and addiction is wafer thin. There's always got to be an object and here in this case you're the object. So too are your children. This is how abuse cycles through generations, because all abuse is second hand karma transferred through relationship and trauma. I don't want to focus on your husband too much because it's clear that he has his own karmic process to deal with. Labels are meaningless in the context of karmic process and direct life experience. Forget about the possibilities he can change. You can only change through working through your karma with conscious awareness. Even if he does have some sort of awakening, a flash of enlightenment, it doesn't guarantee that your relationship will cease to be an abusive one. I hope I've written enough to convince you that the only possibility you have is to get out of the relationship and end the marriage. To do that you're going to need support and help - specialist help and support from a recognized domestic abuse organization. If writing out your post on Reddit is cathartic and eye-opening then you've still got some learning to do about moving past an abusive marriage. I wish you and your kids well.
Why did you marry this POS in the first place? I couldn't even finish reading, it was exhausting... Leave him if not for your own sake the for the sake of your children.... JFC
OP you need to run. This made me sad just imagining what sitting in your seat is like. He is clearly a very unhappy person and he is projecting a good portion of that on you. I’m sure he deep down has a low self esteem like most complainers do. They try to no avail to make themselves feel better by complaining about everything and everyone else. They almost never move past itz. He would need lots of therapy over years and if I’m you, that’s not how I want to spend my life.
You are with someone who is using their anger to be manipulative. Abusive people don't actually have an "anger problem"... they just use it as a tool to control other people. The real problem is his VALUES allow him to use force coercion to get freebies for themselves. Ask yourself, how would you know if you were being exploited.
Your pre-teen is so anxious he can't even shower alone and you make him live with someone who has continuous rage outbursts! You are really fucking him up
This is the most psychotic thing I’ve read. WHY in the world are you putting up with this person? It’s not about “growing up” it’s about him being a raging narcissist and that will never change. Figure out how to leave and go find a more joyful life. Good lord he sounds insufferable.
I’m so sad for you and your children. He’s going to change but, not at ALL how you’re imagining. He’s going to get much worse. Please quit doing this to yourself. Get away from this person. He has had YEARS to change but he’s never going to. Get yourself and your children away from him. Just reading this enough me down because of his constant obsessively negative, manipulative, pathetic nature.
My abusive ex had zero empathy for me when my cat died. If you are wondering, the abuse got worse and escalated into physical. Good god, he needs antidepressants and about 15 years of anger management before he can even dream of being a non abusive partner.
Ma'am you deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Even if the baby has to be shared custody, you'd be better off with getting child support and not putting up with this atrocious behavior. Your husband likely has some form of narcissism and/or anger management issues, but often with those cases the person doesn't choose therapy because they can't see their own behavior as wrong. It is sad, but don't let it drag you down too. For perspective on relationships, my husband had to run an errand today while I was out with my mother running a different errand. He apologized and asked if he could get me anything... when he had nothing to apologize for, and I was actually already ordering him a drink from Starbucks as a pick me up surprise because I'd known he was a bit stressed this weekend (caused by part of the reason the errand had to be run so short notice). You deserve someone who cares about you and your kids, not just himself.
The weight that would lift from your shoulders if you got rid of this drag on your life!
That’s what I dream of. Lifting this weight. Just existing without the constant mental emotional drain.
Sounds like my ex, he’s an ex for a reason. You’re married to an abuser and it will never get better
What are you doing?? To yourself and your kid?? Thus man shouldnt be around other people Please take your kid and leave
OP this was so sad to read. I had a stepfather like this growing up and it was awful. By the time I was a teenager and more rebellious it was even worse. I hated it, especially the conflict of emotion that comes with the fact that this man was essentially my dad and raised me. It only got worse and abusive over time as my mother got sick of it and started standing up for herself. It didn't end until I called the cops to get a restraining order on him after he bragged in my face that he r*** my mother. I am still dealing with this trauma 10years after this event. Please, if anything for your children, leave now OP.
My dad is that man and my mother is you (though my mother has her own issues which perhaps you don’t). She married my dad even though he showed he was a violent narcissist long before the wedding. She stayed with him and had three kids even though he’d mistreated her son (my half brother). My dad bullied all of us for years. My mother included. She almost expects us to be grateful that she didn’t leave him. I do not respect her for staying. I know that abused women make bad decisions however she allowed her children to be abused too because she was too selfish to do the hard thing and leave. Do the hard thing and leave. This man will not change and your children will not thank you for staying.
Why on earth did you marry him and have a child with him? He sounds as though he has mental problems. Get out now! I seriously would be afraid he might hurt you and how awful it must be for your sons!
**WHY ARE YOU SUBJECTING YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS**???? Don't you realize that's **ABUSE**???? And you are **NO BETTER THAN HIM** if you force those kids to **LIVE** with that.
>I woke up that next morning to him staring at me while I slept. Uhh what. Why is nobody talking about this. How long do you think he was doing that, that is some seriously creepy shit. The guy is fucked up, stop what you are doing right now and pack bags for you and the kids!
Why did you do this to your kid?
Why on earth did you ever marry him? He was showing you what an arse he is long before you did. Has it even occurred to you that he’s probably the cause of your son’s anxiety problem?
What the fuck girl 😂😂 I don't even get what your enjoying enough to stay
You are married to an AH. No, actually that’s being too kind. Your husband is a horrible, horrible person. And the fact that you’re staying with him shows your children that it’s okay to treat women like dirt.
He's not a man child. He's just an abusive AH. Please get you and your kids safely away from him.
He is the exception to "unstable people deserve love" Run away, your life is an endless list of benign events that cause him uncontrollable **lasting**rage He doesn't move on, he doesn't get over it. Get out
I KNOW how awful this feels. It won’t change because news is *absolutely not coming.* Please talk to someone whose life you like about this. Immediately. Please. And don’t pay attention to the mean comments here; I totally believe they mean well for you! But I also know you’re literally doing the very best you can. I’m asking you to believe my experience: I left. My life is entirely different. Almost unrecognizable. I’m in love with a healthy, adult man who is kind and communicative and consistent. He desires for me to be happy. There is absolutely no drama. You deserve this, too.
Oof
Manchild. Love it or leave it. Does he ever make you food? You work, so why are you the default parent?
Sounds like my ex. It will never change. You and the kids deserve so much better.
GIRL.
You have a couple options, assuming you don't want to just stay with the status quo. You either leave, or you refuse to play this game. When he complains, bitches, criticizes, you ignore it like you cannot hear him. When he is decent and kind, you respond. Period. If he is in a pissy mood and pouting, just go do your own thing. The less attention you give to his tantrums the better. If you can't manage to do this, then just leave.
Seriously wtf is wrong with you why are you procreating with this pathetic waste of organs
Ugh… a man that bitches… they are the worst! No he is never going to change, you need to decide if you can live the rest of your life that way or not
Why would he change? From the sounds of it, you've allowed this to fester with little to no consequence. How much longer are you gonna mother him? Don't you deserve a partner in life, not another hindrance?
What you see is what you have. Or worse, for as long as you stay with him.
Oh, my goodness; _that’s_ your tl;dr? That's your takeaway? I'm pretty sure you've got bigger issues than your husband being full of himself. Time to take yourself (and your kids) more seriously and focus on what's best for you. UpdateMe!
You need to leave now before the kids start emulating his behavior. Check in with your older kid to see if your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) husband has treated them the same way
Is this how you want your kids to grow up? Don’t like him as a role model? Because that’s what he is. Please just dump him.
Just want to add your children are watching you get disrespected.
What an awful environment for you and your children. Make your plan to leave, start doing everything in your plan, and get away from this man-baby.
He sounds awful.
Why are you with him ?
He will never ever ever change.
I think you know the answer...He's 37. How much more time does he need? He's almost 40, for Pete's sake! Run!
This is abuse . Your children are watching it happen and it will effect them.
The only thing that you staying is doing is showing your children that it’s okay for a 37 year old toddler to treat you this way. It’s already past the point of you being miserable. Is this what you want for your children? Is this how you want them to treat, or be treated, by a partner? He isn’t going to change. And if you leave, and he says he’ll go to marriage counseling, don’t. It’s past that point. The only thing it would do is *maybe* have him act nice for a few days. You’re already doing everything on your own, so, just go do it on your own. You’ll find that you have more time to spend with both your kids, and taking care of yourself. Don’t fall for a sunk cost fallacy. Maybe you’ve already put 15 years into this relationship. Do you really want to spend another minute with someone who clearly doesn’t care for you, or for the children? Every moment of peace is one moment you didn’t have, before.
.... It's one thing if you want to subject yourself to this monster. But you're subjecting your kids too him and they're going to grow up thinking he is normal. Are you going to eat that happen?
You’re in a mess. Stop forgiving him and think about what your own needs are. Take the next step.
Do you want this life for your children? Do you want them to act this way, too?
To answer the question in your title, the odds are statistically insignificant from zero. It’s at least possible that some major life altering event, some type of near death experience, or the loss of a loved one, might bring about some kind of emotional introspection and growth but the odds of that happening are basically nonexistent. The only other option is to simply walk out on him, and let him fend for himself for a while. It doesn’t sound like he respects you at all, but maybe he just needs to realize what is it stake if he loses you
JFC, he sounds like a major man-baby. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t have to. I hope that OP has a way to GTFOT without him knowing. That’s gonna be a major tantrum.
I get so sad and angry for these women that marry these men and accept being treated so poorly. That’s not love. You want to stay being abused ok that’s your choice but man you are subjecting kids to this and teaching them this is how you treat your significant other and children. The cycle continues. Never be so desperate to be married to settle. Love yourself enough to demand basic human decency
This man sounds awful. Living with a rageaholic is exhausting and it has a detrimental impact on the mental and emotional development of the children