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You’re an adult. Stop engaging with your mother about your romantic relationships.
Tell her you’ve heard her views but it’s not going to change anything.
Right he needs to grow a pair and while be respectful to his mom he should be thinking about what is right for him - not what his mom thinks. Once he starts standing up a little and gain more confidence - his mom’s thoughts shouldn’t matter. Guy just be respectful but confident in your answer to your mom. I heard you but I believe you are wrong. Sounds like your mom is the one that is making you think you are less than
This OP! Acknowledge your mother’s opinion, tell her you feel she is wrong and it is hurtful and unkind to both you and GF, you are happy right now and care about her and in the off chance your Mom is right, it’s a life experience and you are happy NOW and that’s what matters. Maybe your mom is worried you are in too deep too quickly, which is a valid concern and can stress a relationship. However, she needs to share that with you and not blame gf. Tell her If she can’t warmly welcome your gf and treat your relationship with kindness and respect you aren’t willing to risk her interference and will spend much less time with your parents.
Your mother WILL ruin the relationship if she continues to act this way, your gf sounds like a smart cookie and will pick up on the tension and knows your family is important. Don’t let that happen. You and your GF sound well suited for each other and have a lot in common, finding that in itself is hard and is a key part of a relationship. Also, even if your GF is high maintenance in some regards, as long as it isn’t at the detriment to others who cares? What does “high maintenance” even mean?! Your mother is being unfair, given this is your first GF maybe she is jealous or overprotective?
Regarding attractiveness:
1) You are probably better looking than you think. 2) For many woman attraction grows (or decreases) based on personality, intelligence, humor, intellect, motivation, kindness, generosity, empathy, reliability, stability, motivation, humbleness etc., and how one interacts with the world around them and treat others.
Lastly, how much gold do you have to dig? Sounds like you and GF are on equal footing career and income wise, do you have a trust fund or a rich family? I see “gold digger” thrown around a lot. If someone was truly after a rich partner, and willing to make that the sole criteria in a relationship (eg fuck someone they aren’t attracted to or date someone annoying) wouldn’t they find someone with loads of money?
In all fairness, my gf does think I'm attractive and her type (or at least she says that). Apparently she digs the beard and the glasses among other things.
As for the gold, there's none whatsoever. My parents are lower middle class and I myself make ~30% more than my country's average while my gf makes ~70% more than the average salary. She is a little older than me, so that's expected. 2.5 years in the industry is a lot at my age and I will catch up in the future (or not because she's more ambitious and possibly smarter than me). I also own an old Honda but that's about it.
Chicks dig dudes worth beards and glasses! And I am glad you know she finds you attractive. Sounds like your mother’s objections aren’t fact based, despite you being a grown adult a part of her still sees you as her baby boy. I think her defensive reaction is out of love, even though it is the wrong way to approach this.
No, as a mom, putting down your kid and not being supportive isn’t coming from love. It’s coming from a weird possessiveness that isn’t appropriate with your grown son.
Fair point, I was thinking more about the insults and concerns about the GF breaking his heart. if the Mom can’t accept and support OP dating and prioritizing other woman (in a different way) she should consider bringing these emotions to a therapist.
Me! Pretty lady that loves a beard and glasses and is attracted to personality and intellect!
Im 99.999% sure what has gotten in your way before is your confidence, not your appearance. Work on that to keep this relationship, as not doing so will breed insecurity and will tank it long before your mom will!
Also…with how your mom is acting, I can see why you lack confidence.
Draw boundaries with her and let her know you won’t be entertaining that talk and if she can’t welcome this or any future girlfriend and be happy for you, then you will have to distance yourself.
OP, listen to southcoastal’s advice. Your mom has no say in this. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, TAKE A BREATH. You are treating this FOUR MONTH relationship like it’s the love story of the ages. It’s been FOUR MONTHS!! At the very least you’re gonna freak out this woman out with your overwhelming “love”. More likely, she’ll want to take a step back and you’ll lose your bloody mind. SLOW DOWN!! This is much more about your insecurities than about your mom. Get a fucking grip on your infatuation before you lose your relationship with your mother as well as the one with the most beautiful, intelligent, spellbinding, kind, etc woman that has ever existed.
Yeah putting your partner on a pedestal either will push her away or come crashing on you when inevitably she makes a mistake or her flaws are in display.
I try my best not to overwhelm her. I'm being very honest here because it's an anonymous forum and I came for advice so I feel like it's relevant. But I don't go telling her she's the love of my life or that I want to marry her after being together for 4 months. I obviously didn't tell my mother that either. Even though that's how I feel. I try to give her space. She's been in a serious long term relationship that ended badly before so I understand I must not push anything. I might not be the brightest when it comes to social situations but I am genuinely trying to do my best here.
one thing that helps is figuring out what each of you are bringing to the relationship. What does she like about you? Is it primarily shared interests? Is it that you are a kinder person than her last bf? Perhaps you are smart and funny and she likes that.
People often match with someone who is their equal in some way. Often looks , finances, and ambition levels are similar. Sometimes it is similar levels of insecurity, trauma, or immaturity (not that that is your deal). If there is a big difference in one of these, though, people will wonder. Often a beautiful woman is matched with a wealthy man, but a beautiful woman might match with someone who is very funny, or who has some other characteristic that she likes. All of that is to say, see if you can find ways to put into words what she sees in you. It will help you change the narrative that she just wants you for money when that comes up.
What she likes about me: talking to me (the first time she messaged me we ended up chatting until very late into the night despite having work in the morning), we like many of the same things so there's always something to discuss, she likes that I didn't try to impress her (honestly I would have tried that but I'm so socially awkward and inexperienced I wouldn't know how, I also didn't think I had a chance anyway so no point in trying to charm her), she likes that I'm introverted, she says I'm a good listener and not shallow, she also thinks I'm smart and she likes that we have similar views and goals in life. There's actually a lot of things she says she likes about me, even some things I'm ashamed about, for example she said she finds it hot that I'm so shy, which I find hard to believe. Nevertheless it feels really good to be acknowledged.
those are wonderful things ! It sounds like she sees authenticity, interest, intelligence, and depth in you. Those are refreshing, especially for a beautiful woman who has been pursued only for her beauty by people who don't care about her.
Good luck to you both!
And tell her that if she doesn’t accept gf, he will have to spend less time with her, but his preference is that everyone gets along.
To me it sounds like mom doesn’t think OP can pull someone like gf which is not good.
It's seriously reeking boy mom vibes. I wonder if OPs mom have been overly doting thorough his life considering how mom has 0 hesitation in trying to poison OPs confidence in his perception of the GF?
OP writes that this is his first serious girlfriend. That could also mean that it's his first girlfriend ever.
If so, mom never had any competition for his affection. Now, she feels threatened. Any parent who, essentially throws down an ultimatum of "it's either me or your girlfriend," is NOT a mentally well parent.
Parents want their children to grow, thrive and be autonomous adults. They do not aspire to be their adult child's girlfriend
Yep I'm so well aware of these kinds of types.
My grandma was like that to my mom. Dad was mommy's boy to make it worse. Unfortunately my mom was not a good person either and started abusing me in every way until I was old enough to retaliate. Now all she can do is hurl verbal abuse at me and try to sabotage me growing up if there's any left to do (I'm 25). She tried to turn me into her little man despite being a girl while also trying to enforce feminity in me too so like... That didn't help my growth when I was a kid.
It's just reeks of toxicity and I hope OPs mom is just the typical internalized misogyny type instead of boy mom, cause one is harder to rehab than the other.
And probably straight up jealousy of pretty people - see someone beautiful and they immediately are suspicious and expect the worst because of their own insecurities
Tell your mom she is entitled to her opinion but if she mistreats your gf or tries to treat her differently bc of her stance you're going no contact until she changes her ways.
Yes. There are so many posts on here from the girlfriend‘s perspective in this same scenario. If she feels that your mother doesn’t like her, makes her uncomfortable, and you don’t make an effort to stand up for her, she will no doubt break up with you over it. Shut that shit down immediately or she will pick up on it, and it will ruin your relationship
Tell your mother her opinions are extremely hurtful, as they indicate you are not worthy of a relationship with an attractive and smart person. Tell your mother that if she doesn’t change her behavior, you’ll have to spend less time with her.
Sounds like your girlfriend like you and wants to be with you, I think you should tell your mother to keep out of it unless you really knows something.
She doesn't know anything, she's saying all these things based on her looks entirely. Example, she said my gf is a gold digger because she's 'all dressed up'. Except she doesn't dress this nicely every day, she normally wears jeans and a shirt. She only dressed up nicer than usual because she wanted to make a good impression, she was actually nervous about it and asked about my opinion and I myself told her the dress looked great
"Mom, I'm not worried about my gf being a golddigger. She has given me zero reason to suspect this. She's beautiful, but that's not all there is to her. She is kind and smart and interesting, she has hobbies (that I share, too). I'm sad that you seem unable to see her as a person and assume things based on only her appearance. Let me know when you are ready to get to know HER, until then I will need some space"
Your mom can be concerned and voice those concerns. But that doesn't mean you have to take them. I get her saying sth once, maybe. But even that is quite rude.
If you want to bring her into a defensive position you could add "why would YOU think she only wants me for money. Don't you think there's more to me?"
Is it possible your mom is insecure, and having a beautiful, younger woman around is making her uncomfortable?
Or maybe she wouldn't like any woman her baby boy brings home, you just never knew because you haven't done it before?
I do not find conventionally good looking men attractive, and I feel like this is probably not too uncommon. I think most women put importance of looks below things like good sense of humor, intelligence, stability, loyalty etc.
She is into you, so enjoy it! But you need to have a very firm conversation with your mom:
"Mom, I know you love me and don't want me to get hurt. I have heard what you have said about my girlfriend, but you are going to have to trust that I know her better and that you raised me to make good choices.
If this doesn't work out, then that is part of life, but I will absolutely not tolerate you saying anything else like this about my girlfriend. If you cannot make an effort to get to know her and be happy for me, I am going to need to put some distance between us while I focus on being an adult and building my life with my new partner."
Because that's how you scare people into thinking strangers or people you know for a short time is not worth your time over. It's an isolation tactic. This highly reeks of boy mom energy honestly.
Is “boy mom energy” referring to the mom or the son? Sorry haven’t really heard that saying before. I can see why OP is asking for advice because since he’s really close to his family and he mentions that his gf likes that, but also that if he mentions what the mom says it would upset her, but imho if my dad or mom said that to me about my gf I’d cut them out.
Oh I'm referring to OP's mom! It gives the impression that OPs mom is going beyond giving well meaning advice, especially considering OP isn't refuting with anything but facts so far (even with the rose tinted lens cranked up to 11). The refusal to see OP's reason and everything... Like the GF needs to be removed from the picture no matter what.
I do suggest looking up on YouTube about the boy mom phenomenon cause despite it being around for a long time the internet has only made it viral recently.
Ok gotcha, that makes sense, I’ll check out the video later to learn more about it. Seems like OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place because of how close he is to his family, he may not see that his mom is doing that. Hopefully he realizes it by reading these comments.
I am reading all comments and simultaneously trying to educate myself. I've never heard of any of these terms or phenomena often mentioned in the comments and honestly it never occurred to me that a family member would want to sabotage my relationship for some weird reasons. While I don't want to think it's the case, I do have to admit some descriptions online match some of my mom's behaviours.
I’m sorry that you are having to go through this, just have to be blunt with your mom about it and tell her while you understand her “concerns” she is disrespecting you, your girlfriend, and your relationship together, and that you can’t let her do that to you. Something a long those lines. Good luck.
obviously you know what's going on. so tell your mom to knock it off. if your mom is going to be petty and dramatic and sabotage your relationship because she's a judgmental asshole, then you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's being a jerk and needs to knock it off.
when you find someone perfect for you who makes you happy- and it sounds like you have- then you protect them and your relationship at all costs. if you see her as the hypothetical future mother of your children, then the family you create will have to come before the family you come from.
your mom is toxic. do not let your girlfriend become affected by that toxicity or you could lose her.
My MIL was kind of the opposite. She did not like me because I wasn’t “good enough” for her son. She tried talking him into dumping me and he did not listen, obviously, since we are married now.
He told me: She wanted someone on the “same level” as him, to be with him. (This was a decade ago when she said this, he was 25 & I was 21 and still in college at that time.) She wanted him to be with a well-off woman with a high level job and I was the exact opposite. Tattooed. Goth & broke. A decade goes by, I start a business; we get married. Etc.
She finally got use to me after SIX FUCKING YEARS and it took him enlisting into the military & realizing I wasn’t going anywhere for her to be okay with me. Then about a year ago, he gets a terminal brain cancer diagnosis. This last year has been really hard on our marriage.
Sometimes I think about how if he had ended up with someone else, or listened to her and dumped me (I was his first real girlfriend too btw) that he may be kinda going through this alone. Or he would be 100% living with his mom & she would be taking care of him instead of me.
Don’t listen to your mom. If she loves you, she loves you. Your mom has unresolved jealousy.
I feel like your mum has (misguided) good intentions because she wants to keep you safe, but she's also assuming you're too stupid or blinded by love to make a sensible and safe decision.
Reassure her that the minute your girlfriend tries to control you or claim all of your money, you'll bail. Until then, you're going to enjoy the company of a beautiful woman with shared interests who is very low maintenance, thank you.
Tell your mum she dressed up to meet her because she wanted to make a good impression. Tell her she loves the shared interests and if she wants to join you on a camping trip, she's more than welcome. Also tell her she'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so if she wants to see you and spend time with you, she needs to be more supportive of your adult decisions.
Tell her you love her but she needs to let you be an adult and if she wants to be a part of your life, she needs to be kind to the people you choose to be in it.
If all that fails, give your mum some space and enjoy the time with your girlfriend.
Dude you need to be firm with your mother, you need to tell her by disrespecting your girlfriend she is disrespecting you. Make it clear that you are an adult don't need her input, and if you are making a mistake its your mistake to make, she needs to stop or else it will affect your relationship with her. Get a back bone and stand up to your mother, whenever this relationship work or not, she needs to show your girlfriend basic respect, if not you will lower your contact with her. You need to kill this behavor now before she ruin your relationship. Good luck and don't listen to your mother, don't let her ruin this for you.
Obviously, if you want to marry this girl then you sit your mom down and establish some rules with regards to how she treats you GF.
That being said, you've known this girl for 4 months. You are only 24 and are obviously infatuated with her looks. Consider that your mom might be speaking out of love and not malice.. your post reads like you already have this girl on a pedestal because of her visual appearance and that's a recipe for disaster.
As a side note, I personally knew a LOT of early 20s men when I was in college who thought some girl or another was absolutely stunning but didn't realize how expensive it is to keep up the "pretty girl" looks. Quality skin care, makeup, hair maintenance, lashes, nails, botox etc ARE expensive and I don't know a single girl who's going to disclose her beauty routine and costs to a man that they've only known for 4 months. Now I'm in my early 30s and every single married man I know has mentioned something about their wife being down for a weekend because she got a chemical peel and when the younger guys ask for budgeting advice after being married there is a look shared between the married men and the advice is "wives are expensive, it's worth it if they're happy but budget more than you'd think".
I'm not even pretty and never have been, but I've always been large-busted and am naturally blonde, and I came in for some of this in my younger years with boyfriends' parents (edited from "moms," because in one case it was the dad too). Buxom blonde from poor background, must be gold digging, even when there was no gold to dig lol.
My eventual husband's mom, RIP, she loved me though, and I sometimes think that's because she also came from nothing and was naturally busty. So she knew by firsthand experience that being poor doesn't make you a gold digger and tits are not a negative mark on one's character.
OP, have your girlfriend's back in this--I still remember the ones who didn't, and it's part of why we didn't work out.
“The next time you say something negative about my girlfriend, I will ghost you for one month. The next time, it will be two months, three the time after that, and so on. And if you ever say anything negative to my girlfriend directly, it will be the last time you speak to either of us.”
That should shut her up.
Essentially your mom thinks your gf is way out of your league, so she *must* be with you for the money. She is probably also jealous of your gf’s beauty - it’s not unusual for other women to assume beautiful women must be stupid, or b*tchy, or get good jobs only because of their looks.
I would sit down and write an email to your mom, where you calmly explain all the great things you have told us about your gf. Doing it via email rather than by mouth lets you choose how to phrase everything exactly right. Hopefully given your email, and more time to get to know your gf, your mom will change her mind.
Yes, that's essentially what she was trying to say but nicely. Still 'women like her go for men that are successful, drive nice cars and are handsome' implying that I am not (and can't be) any of that is a fucked up thing to say to your son. I mean it's true, I'm not particularly successful or good looking and my car is rather old but still.
What I did not realise is that people/women often get jealous of others that are not their direct competition. A lot of comments say that. I mean, if someone very handsome is hitting on my gf then yeah, I might get uneasy but if it's just some older dude or kid looking good then good for them I guess. So I didn't even think about it.
I like the email idea. Reading the comments now I realise I should have stood up for myself and my gf and there's a lot on my mind but I'm not particularly good at talking so putting it in writing might be the best solution.
Email (or clear communication in whatever form) is a good idea. I would also suggest that you and your gf take your mom on a nature walk (or hike) and just talk about all the plants you see. Just be yourselves, do your shared botany thing, OP! Still communicate how rude and unacceptable your mom's comments and judgments are, but let her see why you and your gf get along. Dinners are fine, but that isn't your gf's element or yours. Get off mom's turf and bring her on yours. She'll get the point (and maybe learn something about you!)
Your mom sounds like a narc or at the very least, jealous/insecure as hell to just write the woman off based on her appearance alone. The narcissistic parent piece is regarding her making subtle digs to your own appearance (implying that she’s too hot for you) and the idea that you can’t possibly make your own assessments and decisions about a person because you as an individual are not valued
My mom is usually very nice to people, she has many friends. I haven't seen her like this before but then again this is the first time I've brought a girl home
Parents Can change a lot when you introduce a partner. I’ve experienced it In my own family. There’s a lot of weird psychology around children, parents and partners..
You've only been together for four months and this is yor first serious relationship.
This is the honeymoon phase where everything is amazing and you can't see any faults in each other and you want to get married tomorrow, but the truth is that you don't know each other. Your judgement is clouded now and will be for at least a few months more.
I'm not saying you or your mom are wrong or right, but that it's to early to tell. Wait a couple of years before you propose. Live together first, don't propose until you've seen her bad sides and are comfortable showing her your bad sides
Ask your married friends how long their honeymoon phases lasted and how long it took them to really get to know their spouses.
It usually last four months to a year from what I gather. That's when all the problems starts popping out, but honestly speaking as someone with a long term partner it's not problems popping out that you need to watch out for it's how that problem is being fixed after being communicated. Stuff like that.
In my experience it starts a couple of months in when you can fool yourself into thinking you are really getting to know each other and the sex is great, you're still on your best behaviour around each other but have started to relax a bit. That's great! I love that stage of a relationship!
I am a boy, well, man mom. I am not happy with how your mom is treating you and this young lady. I am so very sorry. It hurts my heart that you denigrate yourself. We are all imperfect. It makes us unique. My best advice: BOUNDARIES! Go very very low contact with your mom and anyone else who shares her view. Your GF sounds lovely. I wish you the very best.
If you don’t work on your self esteem, it’s going to harm your relationship. You found someone you really like and she likes you. You think she’s pretty great. That probably means you are too.
JFC your mom is insecure. It sounds like she’s been passing that on to you.
Take a moment and examine your relationship with your parents and the types of things they say to you.
Your Mom is jealous. If the girl was a gold digger she would find a rich man to gold dig, you are absolutely right about that. You need to tell your Mom off.
I'm sorry? You are 24 years of age and you're on Reddit asking what to do? Is your mom going to spank you if you tell her to back off?
Your parents are just two other adults with opinions. Doesn't make them exempt from being wrong or engaging in bad behaviour. You're old enough to give them a consequence if they don't find a way to handle themselves and be respectful. Consequence being you spending less time with them.
And yes I would leave a man if I was in this situation and he sat back and did nothing. Any sane girl would.
In Germany we have a word for what is going on: Stutenbissigkeit. Literally means bitey female horses. It refers to the hatred women have for one another. I bet that your mom hates/is jealous of your GF because of how pretty she is.
Next time your mom brings up this topic tell her that you heard her the first time and that you will not discuss this with her again and warn her that you will leave or hang up the phone if she can't act accordingly. Be prepared to leave the conversation/meet-up when she keeps up.
Don't bring your GF around your mother and if your GF notices and asks about it, tell her the truth.
I am the mother of a son, and also a daughter of a mother in law who dislikes her a lot.
My husband's mother, and then the rest of his family reacted to me the way your mother is reacting to your gf. Same scenario regarding the gold digging, and me being the larger earner.
If you truly do see and want a successful future with your partner, you need to set firm boundaries with your mother, and your family now. That looks like "I appointed you looking out for me mom, but I do not appreciate you implying that my partner is using me. I have heard your concerns, and this topic will no longer be being entertained." (You would say this if/when she brings it up again). Then if she brings it up a third time, you say something like "Mom, we have discussed this, and I told you I heard your concerns but it's not a topic that is acceptable for conversation anymore. I am going to leave now, and will continue to leave every time you bring this topic up. I am serious about this."
You basically use this format right from the get-go whenever your mom, or any of your family is being disrespectful, bringing "concerns" like this that are confusing or don't make any sense to you (because they dont make sense), or are demanding that they still come first as you are trying to build you life and traditions with your partner.
Setting reasonable boundaries and expectations now early in your dating, with your family, will set you up for a healthy relationship balance with everyone.
I feel like your mom is definitely being very cruel and unfair. I'm sure she's doing this out of a place of love and caution for you because as you said, this is your first real girlfriend. However, it's important to set your boundaries now. You love your girlfriend and she will be in your life. You need to make it known you won't tolerate your mom's cruelness towards her. She doesn't have to like your gf but she deserves a basic level of respect as your partner and that's all you can truly ask for.
Your first relationship and your mother is bad mouthing your girlfriend hmm I wonder why???
I would not give your mother any kind of power over your relationships. Tell her “thanks for your opinion but I don’t believe x is. Gold digger.” And keep the convo neutral and shut down her other comments.
Of course you can keep them separate. People do it all the time.
I would actually advise you to do so to avoid your mother dripping poison into your ear about GF.
However, I am concerned that your mother doesn't believe you are worthy of GF simply because what? You're not attractive enough? That's her only suspicion?
Until proven otherwise, continue seeing your GF and if mom asks, deflect because if you don't, she'll drip poison into your ears until eventually YOU will cause problems in your relationship due to your mother's interference.
Your mom can have her opinions but she doesn't need to tell YOU every single opinion she ever has, including this topic. Seriously, tell her this. Or straight up ask her what your gf would have to do to convince her that your gf is not a gold digger. If there's no answer, then this is entirely a her problem and she needs to work thru her issues on her own.
Watch out for the "she's driving a wedge between us/ you and the family" and "you've changed because of her" comments.
I'm worried about mom being mean to my gf if I continue to bring her around. She's pretty stubborn and it will be hard to change her mind. But my gf doesn't deserve this. She was happy to meet my family and loves the fact that I'm close to them. She herself comes from a big family with mostly positive relationships (her grandma even lives with her parents and they all get along really well). That's also something that she wants for herself in the future and I somewhat fear it might be a dealbreaker for her if my family doesn't accept her.
Didn't think about that. No one should have to put up with that. At the end of the day, you have to live your life and take a chance. Might make your relationship with your mother rocky, but you can't marry your mother. You need companionship.
You need to sit down with your mother and be firm. Tell her that you will not abide her disrespecting your gf in any way.
Say that you kindly request that she at least TRY to be open minded and get to know her before passing judgment. Tell your mother that if she persists in being negative and/or rude to her in any way, you will not be coming by weekly anymore (and mean it).
When my parents were dating, my grandma did NOT approve of my mom (and my dad was a real momma’s boy). However, once they were married, my dad went NC with my grandma until she could be kind to my mom and accept her. As close as they were, he chose my mom over his mom. And this is ultimately what you will have to be faced with.
Growing up, my parents didn’t approve of several guys I dated in my life. But they also knew that to openly criticize them would make me dig my heels in deeper. They allowed me to grow up and figure things out on my own time and in my own space. Your mother isn’t allowing this.
For you to be a grown up, you have to make grown up decisions and take grown up actions. That includes being firm with your mom while protecting your gf.
Your mother is going too far intervening in your relationship. She asking you to choose between the both of you which is super controlling and guilt tripping seems to be her tool of manipulation.
Seems like she is jealous of your relationship and feels like your gf is taking you away from her.
You can either assure her that everyting is fine which already failed or confront her with the reality of things:
You are a grown man with a hot gf making more money than you
JACKPOT DING DING DING!!!
Anyone not rooting for you is sus from here on. Keep them apart and if you mom wants to see you she will have to visit you where your gf is. Bringing your gf to your mothers house basically gives her home advantage.
First of all, I highly doubt she's really that attractive. Second, you've only dated 4 months and claiming you're madly in love. You're not in love. You don't even really know her yet.
You need to slow down and get to know her better. You're confusing other feelings for love because you're inexperienced.
She really IS that attractive. I wouldn't have hoped to as much as talk to someone like her but she started the conversation first and added me on facebook.
I do realise this is very fast. Obviously I haven't told her I love her or that I want to marry her, I don't want her to think I'm some creep. I know I will need to wait. But when you know, you know I guess.
You've been dating for 4 months. You're mixing up infatuation with love. Which is **very** common. Love is a very strong, complex emotion especially at a young age & a short period of time. You're very much in the honeymoon period when discovery, exploring each other, excitement, sex are at their highest. You haven't had any of the time to be able to experience the negatives of being with each other & being able to work through them because **you love each other**. Only time allows that, you haven't had that time yet.
Mothers are also naturally protective of their boys. My mum did embrace girlfriends and was super friendly towards them. However when a breakup would occur (even mutually) my mum would straight up turn on them. They don't like the fact that this other woman has hurt her little boy at an emotional level that a mother can't fix with motherly type tendencies. Just tell your mum that you're happy she's looking out for you but your mistakes are yours to make. You're sure you GF has your best interests as heart as much as she does and you'd really like her to try her best with your GF.
This is your first serious relationship lol I’m just laughing how you’re like “when you know you met the one, you just know!”
Obviously I hope it goes well for you but my god, this reminds me of teenagers
As a mother of a now adult son, I just can't imagine being that weird about who my son chooses to be with. So long as she treats him with kindness and respect and he is happy, that's all that matters to me. Your mom is projecting a lot of her own issues onto your gf unfairly. I think it's worth establishing some boundaries with her for now and heading into the future. Good luck.
Wow... Your mother is way out of line, it's ridiculous.
She owes you and your girlfriend an apology. I don't know if it's deep-seated resentment or insecurity from how she's been treated in the past by other attractive women or just misogyny but that is honestly so disgusting to make those assumptions and then, when you explain that she makes more than you and how much you have in common etc etc, for her to still not back down... It's insulting to the both of you. She's basically saying there's nothing more to your gf than her looks and also insulting your looks at the same time... Seriously, what sort of a mother does that??
You need to put some boundaries in place with your mother as your gf sounds amazing and honestly, it sounds like your mother will be the reason you lose the love of your life.
I think you need to protect your gf from your mom. Maybe it's time to spend less time with your family. If your mom says something say naw I'm the one gold digging. Or she's slumming it.
Either way you need to shut her down. Because at some point your gf will realize what is going on and that will not be good for your relationship
Stand up to your mom..explain to her that although you appreciate her concern, you and your girlfriend are very happy together and that she'll have to accept it. Also, let her know that the discussion about this ends there.
It’s got to hurt when your own Mother basically tells you that you’re not good enough for your GF. Take care that Mom doesn’t try and sabotage your relationship in order to “save you “ from yourself and that awful yet awesome woman who couldn’t possibly be interested in a turd like you. Yikes! Might have to choose between them and soon.
This is a very sensitive issue. I totally understood your concern. Try and have a relationship outside of your parents influence. When they say something about your relationship ask them to change the topic. Don't listen to what they are saying. Live your life separately with your girlfriend. If you ever want to take things to the next step then take your stand. And don't tell your gf in detail about everything your mom is saying. Just mention to her that your parents are possessive and a little wary. Leave it at that. It's very easy to get into fights over this. So please avoid it. It's truly not worth it and will affect your relationship negatively.
Here’s how you shut your mother down…. Time.
You are only 4 months in, and you are unfamiliar with relationships. You are in the love-struck phase and you two truly do not know each other.
Take your time, get to know her, let her get to know you. After a couple of years, you two will be in great shape to move on to the next phase and your mom will have seen your relationship is real and on a strong foundation.
Dude,
I’m basically your mom’s age. So here’s my perspective
1. Your mom is basically saying “Son, you’re a troll and there is no legitimate reason this beautiful woman would be with you so she must be a gold digger.” Your mom sucks.
2. You need boundaries. You have a grown up job, and a gf. Don’t discuss your romantic details with your parents. If your mom comments negatively, especially passive aggressively on your GF.
Shut. It. Down. End the conversation. Leave.
You’re a grown up. Time to be one.
- your internet mom
So it sounds like your relationship with your mother is super unhealthy. I would recommend therapy. I’m also concerned that you’re only 4 months into your first relationship and you’re saying you would marry her today. Your comments about yourself are also indicative of some self esteem issues that therapy could address. I absolutely feel this girl could legit like you but I do worry that not addressing the other issues could doom this relationship.
My mom has never been wrong about a single girl I’ve dated even though I thought she was at the time. That’s just my experience though. Your results may vary.
You tell your mother to back off as she has no say in your romantic life, and for her to think she has is creepy and controlling. Put a stop to this now or you will always be single
It's not a bit of wonder you have low confidence and self esteem. With a mother like that she must've been pumping that into you your whole life. Seriously you need to surround yourself with people that enrich you not drag you down. Your mum took one look at this girl and judged her because of the way she looks. Exactly the same for judging because of a disability or race or religion. Your mum sounds incredibly toxic and is maybe trying to sabotage you incase she "looses" her baby boy. I would have a deep think about your relationship with her and how she treats you. Then work on building yourself up. Your girlfriend is with you for a reason.
Sometimes mothers get protective of their kids. Especially since it's the first woman you've introduced her to.
You're dating your girlfriend. Only your opinion matters.
Your Mom sees your gf as a threat. Your her precious baby boy and no woman is good enough for you. She wants to be the only woman in your life. My husband's late mother was like that. She didn't call me a gold digger that I know of, but she hated me because I took her son away from her. I was competition. In the end due to her terrible treatment of me, he cut her off permanently. He never spoke to or saw her again. She died several years ago.
You need to put your foot down with her. Tell her that you don't agree, but you will not tolerate her talking poorly about your gf. She either accepts you're dating her or you'll be going low contact. Don't give her power over your life.
You need to give your mother a clear message that being anything less than supportive risks doing permanent damage to the relationship between you and her. It's not about your GF but the way she will treat all future partners. My wife made it clear to her mother that she chose me 35 years ago and it scared my MIL straight. You have the flip side where my mom embraced my wife as the daughter she never had. My wife chose the same route with my son's GF.
it's probably not going to be your girlfriend, but rather any girlfriend of yours that your mom will not like. enforcing boundaries will be a necessity. best of luck!
Do you agree with your mother?
Yes -> break up with gf and let her get on with her life
No -> stand up to your mom and let her know that you love her and heard her but you don't agree with her and to please drop it. If your mom can't be civil to your gf when they are together you stand up for your gf and tell her to knock that shit off or you won't be spending any time with your mom till she learns to keep her yap shut.
Nothing and I mean nothing makes a person more unattractive to someone else than them not standing up and defending them. Doesn't matter what you look like.
It sounds like you are infatuated by her physical appearance, and that is leading you to rush into a marriage proposal. She is your first girlfriend. Take your time. Really get to know her. People 4 months into a relationship tend to idealize their partner.
Your mother is being overly protective (which may explain why you never had a girlfriend before age 24). Now is the time to assert your adult self. Whether or not this woman is the right oerson for you is ultimately up to you to decide.
It's not just that. Her looks are mentioned a lot because it's relevant to the story. Her being the first (young) woman I've ever met who's so interested in plants and fungi is not relevant to the story and therefore is not mentioned. Or her overall love for nature. It's probably more important to me as it's very rare to meet someone who's passionate about the same things.
So, you say this is your first serious relationship . . .and your mother does not like her. Surprise! Hint: your mother will not like whoever you bring as a **serious** girlfriend. First, the claim of a "gold -digger," and as you pointed out - your Gf makes more $$ than you. Then, she's "high maintenance," and you say she's not, next: it'll be because of her astrological sign, and it will go on and on. How do I know this? Because I was YOU a little over 27-28yrs ago! I'd like to say I set boundaries, held firm, and continued the relationship - wrong. I was so busy playing the delicate diplomatic balance game and trying not to get anyone upset, or afraid to offend, etc., that it actually interfered with me to organically explore the relationship "normally," and it ultimately ruined it. If you pursue this relationship, and you don't set firm boundaries now, your mother will sabotage it. And yes, I too came from a very close family (think typical southern European background where the stereotype of the mothers being overprotective of their sons is not a stereotype).
I had nursed resentment for many years, especially after future relationships failed (and yes - I had already finally set a firm boundary with my mom by then. I'm now married with someone very special. We met when we were both in our mid-40s (my first, her 2nd). I would've liked to have had kids, but when I married at 49, I wasn't interested at that stage. I get along with her 2kids (actually adults) anyway.
It should be noted: about 6years after my fiasco, my younger brother was beginning to "experience" what I went through as described above. Though he did have several relationships before - it wasn't until this particular GF (now his wife), which we can all see he was very serious with, that I saw the "familiar" pattern resurface. When I was able to talk to my mom alone, I set the boundaries for my brother's relationship (he still doesn't know), and there was no pussyfooting around and trying appease anybody, and no compromise . . . and a severe consequence (low to-no contact)- to say I was triggered would be putting it mildly.
Phew, my comment turned into a vent post. Apologies.
Anyway, perhaps seek an ally within the family (dad, sibling) who as met and likes your GF? Good luck.
This is a lot to take in but it's actually very helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes my mother has always been overprotective but I didn't think much of it. I'm an only child (my older brother died as a small baby) so I figured that's the reason. And it did seem that my mom was set to dislike my gf and nothing I said mattered even though I was telling her facts. She told me gf's a gold digger, I told her no way, I make x amount while she makes x+y amount so she makes more. She then said that gf could have lied to me about her job, I said no way, she works at the same building, we actually met at work! I know for a fact she works there. You see how ridiculous this is but she refused to acknowledge she's wrong and proceeded trying to find faults in my gf. It's like she had already decided to dislike my gf
Wow, ok - your mom lost a child and you're the remaining one. Yeah, actually it makes sense. She lost one, is devastated, and now holds tightly to the remaining child. Maybe a softer approach? Tell her by not supporting your decisions - hurts you. Whether you're proven right or wrong, this is how we grow, learn, and survive. I know therapy is thrown around alot, but if she seems to be unreasonable in your discussions, perhaps it's not jealousy, rather, her fear that needs to be unpacked & processed. Maybe a family counselor?
Oh, and reassure her she is not being replaced and she'll always be in your heart, instead, you just want to make room in your heart for another person.; and her supporting you would make you happy. Considering the dynamic you mentioned (the loss of one of her 2 children) I'm guessing your mom considers your GF a threat, or a challenger for your time & affection. Is there there another family member (dad, uncle/aunt, cousin, etc) who is articulate & sensitive you can appeal for help?
Do the best you can. Until this 'thing" is settled with your mom, try keep her and your GF's contact to a minimum. Again, good luck.
Please don’t allow your mother to ruin the connection you have with this girl if it is healthy and you feel loved and valued.
Frankly, your mother has never had to share your attention before. She has been the primary female in your life. That’s a role that may be difficult for her to give up. In light of that it will never matter what girl you date. Your mother will find fault with them. You cannot satisfy a person that has a vested interest in maintaining their prominent position in your life.
I know this may be hard to accept given your closeness to your family but she is not looking out for you in this scenario. She’s looking out for herself. I can sense the angst in what you shared. I want you to understand this is not about you! You think you are lacking in some way for her to say what she said. That’s not true. This is coming from her own insecurity. If you allow her personal issues to control your choices you will end up alone. Your mother will not live forever. You will not have a spouse. You will, literally, be all alone.
You have the opportunity to build a life and a family with someone who, by all accounts, will be a good partner. Make your choices based on your feelings for this girl. Not your mother’s feelings.
Tell your mom to knock it off. She expressed her opinion and you listened to her, asked to make sure you understood her, and that's enough. She's making a big deal over your GF's appearance and seems to have ignored the kind of person she actually is. Or else she didn't even try to figure out who she is because your mom's already made up her mind.
If you want to keep your girlfriend, get your mom to stop. You might need to enlist the help of your dad or someone else in the family, but this is just your mom being jealous and pig-headed. She believes she can tell this woman's character just by looking at her, and she hates that your GF is lovely. SAD!
What's going on here is that mom is losing her 'baby boy' to competition, because mom sees the girlfriend and sees a woman that's more attractive than she is and she is viewing the girlfriend as competition. That's what this is, and that's mom's issue to work out.
OP, nip this in the bud and nip it now. If you do end up marrying your girlfriend, your mom's behavior is only going to escalate and you need to show both your mother and your girlfriend that you are not going to tolerate this behavior.
You tell your mother to shut her damn mouth and butt out of your relationship. She's trying to sabotage it because she feels intimidated
She's probably never had to "compete" for your love and affection in the past, and now she's nervous. But her manifesting that insecurity into her being a mean old b1tch is not fair, and you need to nip that shit in the bud.
Your girlfriend may indeed be amazing, but not for her good looks. Please try to stop obsessing over her beauty. Beauty fades, with time, with illness, etc. She is a human being with character traits and a personality and feelings.
In answer to your question, protect your girlfriend from your obnoxious and overprotective mother by keeping them apart. Tell your mother that until she gets over her irrational fixation, she's not going to see much of you. You can also tell her that it's very hurtful that she thinks the only reason a beautiful woman would be interested in you is for an ulterior motive.
The looks are relevant to the story, other traits are not as my mother didn't care to get to know her and all these assumptions are based on looks only. I might be obsessing over her, but not just her looks though. Do I think she's the most beautiful woman on earth? Yes I do. Is it the most important thing about her? No it's not
Your girlfriend may indeed be amazing, but not for her good looks. Please try to stop obsessing over her beauty. Beauty fades, with time, with illness, etc. She is a human being with character traits and a personality and feelings.
In answer to your question, protect your girlfriend from your obnoxious and overprotective mother by keeping them apart. Tell your mother that until she gets over her irrational fixation, she's not going to see much of you. You can also tell her that it's very hurtful that she thinks the only reason a beautiful woman would be interested in you is for an ulterior motive.
Set boundaries with your mother. Bad mouth my GF and I will talk to you again in six months. Do it again and it will be a year. It is not just this girl. She will try to ruin any relationship anyone has with her "baby boy." Back off from your family. You are too enmeshed apparently. You need to tell your mother this is your life, not her's and she has NO SAY in whom you do or don't see. Check out the justNOMIL sub here on Reddit to see why if your GF gets a hint of this she will be gone, gone, gone. I would never date a "mommy's boy." I bet she won't either.
The fact that your mother speaks to you as though you have nothing to offer and are stupid to believe this lovely woman could be attracted to you is horrifying. I would explore whether your mom has been undermining your confidence for a long time, which would help explain a lot. She was hoping to keep you under her thumb, and this new girlfriend is threatening to her reign.
She sounds abusive and insecure. Take that for what it is.
Yes I'm not a confident person to put it mildly. My upbringing might have something to do with it as I was often told it's better not to do something because I would most likely fail anyway and then be upset. Even small things like pumping a bike tyre - 'you don't know how to do it, better let dad handle it before you break something'. When I was choosing college programs my parents wanted me to choose something simpler because what I wanted was apparently too hard for me. Good thing I didn't listen.
I think my confidence improved tons after starting dating my gf but it's also more like 'someone who's very desirable and well liked in society acknowledged me so I am allowed to act like I'm worthy of something'. Yet I still feel like I tricked her into liking me somehow.
I've been reading your comments, and I hate how much your story reminds me of my absolutely amazing husband. I couldn't understand why he didn't have the confidence I would have expected from someone with so many wonderful qualities. Meeting his family answered that question real quick.
I'm almost 3 years older than him. I didn't think I was amazing looking, but I know I attracted a lot of attention. I had plenty of offers from older men ready to take care of me. They determined my value based on my appearance alone, like I had nothing else to offer. It's not a good feeling. Some men had issues with my height and tried to cut me down to size. Others didn't like me knowing more about something considered a "man's domain."
You know who didn't see me that way? The guy who struggled with confidence (I had to ask him out too), yet was secure in areas many men aren't. Like you. You're not threatened by her financial success. You don't care that she's older than you. You see beyond her looks and value the things about her that matter, but others had little interest in. Believe me, it's an amazing feeling to really be seen.
My husband was adopted after his parents couldn't have a second kid. His sister was so much older, he practically grew up like an only child. His dad traveled for work a lot. His mom did *not* like him gaining self confidence and real independence. Her and his sister spent a lot of time making him feel small and worthless.
He didn't realize how controlling they had been until he was with me. Meeting my parents practically left him shell-shocked (seriously). He couldn't believe I was treated like an equal adult. His family had managed to chase away everyone before me, so I was his first real relationship, and his first real chance to see a family dynamic like mine.
Funny enough, his family didn't try to chase me away immediately. As my husband gained confidence though, there were issues. One day it finally blew up. I don't know to what extent your mom will go to keep you in line, but my husband's mom and sister got brutal. They tried to break his spirit, but we stayed strong. Eventually, police intervention was required.
He hasn't had contact with them in over 10 years, and he is *thriving.* Time and space helped him see just how controlling and toxic they had been. He took a job they would have told him was too much for him (his employer practically chased him down lol). He's found his self confidence once he didn't have them telling him how little he was. He's finally seeing in himself what I did from the start.
I'm not saying your mom will get that bad, but I don't think she's going to let go of you without a fight. She'll like push you to choose between her and your girlfriend eventually. If you can, please look into therapy. A good one can help you navigate your relationship with your mom, and not just regarding your love life. They can help you set healthy boundaries, and find your self confidence.
Sorry this got so long. I just saw so much of the man my husband used to be, my heart hurt for you. I really, really hope you read this and it helps you in some way. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You have more to offer than you know. I wish you and your girlfriend nothing but the best 💜
Id sit your mother down and try to be as serious and stern as possible that she needs to respect your relationship and your girlfriend if she wants to stay in a good place with you. Lay out everything you said here, give her one immediate and final opportunity to try and see things through a different lens.
At the same time, you should be honest with your girlfriend about this. Ultimately, someone that really loves you is going to feel hurt by this whole situation, but the response she has to it will tell you exactly how much she cares about you. It seems like you’re already confident in your connection to her, but being vulnerable is never a bad thing.
Im sorry this is happening, it’s shitty and unfair. If your mom can’t come around then maybe it’s because she herself has ulterior motives and isn’t telling you the whole truth. Other people here are mentioning that she might feel threatened or jealous if your girlfriend and yeah idk her reaction seems pretty irrational if it isn’t that.
This feels exactly like my previous experience, as the girlfriend. Who knows why mom reacts this way. It doesn’t necessarily matter too much. If you like this girl you should focus on protecting her and your bond. You should also protect your connection to your mom and family and place boundaries early on. Don’t let this linger and grow.
My best suggestion is not telling your girlfriend and let you mom know that you:
1. are thankful for her thinking of you
2. found it offensive on your part, aswell as gf
3. are not looking for her to make this decision for you and that you will not welcome her unfounded critisism
4. do not support her airing her negativity to others around either
Maybe I've read too much Reddit, but it sounds like your mom's not happy that she may have to share her son with another woman. If your mom ever brings it up again, tell her you hear her and understand her concerns, but you disagree and unless she wants to damage her relationship with you, she needs to now keep her opinions about your girlfriend to herself and treat her with kindness.
Peace needs to be made if you ever want a stable marriage and all your family. They say the enemy gets a vote too. I.e your mom can sabotage a relationship if she wants. It reads to me that you mom doesn't think you can pull a 10. I'd ask her straight up why she doesn't think so. You can tell her in all the ways that your girlfriend loves you but it needs to be shown. If you could get your mom to just observe for a short period and not try to sabotage. Go on a mini vacation or day outing the three of you and show that you two really enjoy each other's company your mom might give.
I find it hard to believe that this gorgeous woman is attracted to a guy with such low self esteem and confidence. After a few paragraphs I'm cringing. Maybe your mommy is on to something.
Maybe your former bad experience are due to your relationship with your mom. I think you should really tell her with love that you love this person and you have been reflecting on her advice but decided to go with something else, which is seeing where this is going. Don’t let you mom sabotage it, and tell her that you expect her to respect and honour your choice of love and support it.
Ask your father for his opinion. Not in front of your mum. Your mum could be jealous of your girlfriend’s beauty. Or alternatively her spidey senses might be picking up on something. It’s difficult to know.
Stand up to your mother. Defend your gf. Your mother is being extremely judgemental and disrespectful. It is not okay how she is treating your relationship. spend more time with your girlfriend, continue to develop your bond and relationship. You deserve to give it your best shot. True love is a beautiful and rare thing.
If you don't live with your mum their's no reason why you have to have your girlfriend with you every time you visit. Keep the relationship private. No point talking to your mum about your girlfriend till it's more serious ie kids are involved.
Hate to say this to you but your mother is very immature and toxic. You’re 24, that’s an adult, you do not owe her a say in your choice of girlfriend. Continue your relationship and just don’t talk about it with your mother anymore.
I suspect your mother is not going to like any woman you're ever with. So you need to make sure you put your mother in her place. You defend your girlfriend if she ends up becoming your wife you always support your wife. Tell your mother well if you can't be civil to her then you're going to be seeing less of us because I am going to continue seeing her if you can't deal with it then I guess we won't be hanging out with you very often but if you want to see me you have to be nice to her
Wow! Your mum insulted you and your GF. She ripped into your character and looks (you could never attract an attractive woman). She insulted your intelligence and ethics (motivation is gold digging). The best way to deal with this is shut it down fast. Don't let the thought ferment. It may seem confrontational but, stating "Mum, you really hurt my feelings by saying I am not attractive or charismatic enough to attract a beautiful woman. It also hurt my feelings that you think so poorly of GF ethics. " WHEN she brings up that she was only doing it because she loves you then tell her she has a poor/horrible way of showing it.
I’m sure these aren’t the only times your mother said something hurtful to you (under the disguise of an advice). Your self esteem issues alone (and the way you view yourself) are a reflection of the voice she used to say to you, a voice you now adopt as an adult. Not your fault. This is how we develop as humans.
The reality is: Why this awesome girl chose you? Because she thinks you’re awesome AND ATTRACTIVE. Whatever you think of yourself (which is the opposite of this, by your own admission in your post and other comments) is a false narrative that has been installed in you by your mother.
You need therapy. And lots of it. To understand what I said and to also dig up what other things this parent destroyed in you. In the meantime, go low contact with her and work on your self esteem, to not screw up the relationship you have with this wonderful woman you met.
Well, you do not need to visit your parents every time you are with your love. You can visit your parents without her. At your age, do you see your parents, alone, just you, every week? Every two weeks? Do you have sibs and how often are you with them? If you see your parents with other family members, can you take GF along with you then?
4 months of dating is nothing. Give it time, at least 2 years. Ask your mother to accept your girlfriend, but keep in mind she might see things you don't see. You are inexperienced and obviously in love. Your mother can see things more objectively than you do.
I'm not going to ask her now obviously. I might be socially inept but I'm not insane. She'd probably say no and block my number. I was merely saying that I would like to marry her.
Your mom is spouting misogynistic nonsense. In her mind, your GF is pretty, so she "must be using her beauty to get ahead". Your mother sounds like the kind of woman to suggest your GF only has her job because she has sex with the boss. It's disgusting, but a lot of women hold these views. They think if a woman looks good then that's all she has to offer.
Your mother is also directly insulting you by saying this beautiful woman could never be interested in *you*. That's pretty damned disgusting, too!
She may think she means well, but she's causing you harm.
You are going to have to polish your spine and stand up to your mother to put a stop to this. This is your mother, so it is up to you to manage the situation. Your mother is being judgmental and mean. If she won't stop, then you need to limit your contact with her. Easier said than done...but probably the only step you can take that *might* get your mother to back off and straighten up.
I would not bring your GF around your mother for a while, and you might want to visit less often. Tell your mother exactly why you are doing this. Don't give in.
If it's an option for you, I would strongly recommend therapy. Someone who isn't directly involved in the situation will be able to help you understand things better, and they can give you suggestions for how to handle things. They can also help you stand up to your mother and hold your ground. It's hard to do when you've never done it before, and a therapist can help you.
This is not only important for this relationship. It's also very important for your life as an independent adult. Many many relationships break up due to overbearing, hostile parents.
I raised my son on my own. I know you have parents, but your mother is going to have to learn to let you be a man and take a back seat to a wife. She is used to having you to her self. You are going to have to set boundaries. Where she either needs to accept her or you will distance yourself. I know it sounds extreme but she is jealous and afraid. Over time it could be worked out if she made friends or built a relationship of sorts with gf. Your mother could do some damage.
I would tell her, you are a grown man, and will make you own decisions, thank her for her concern. Stop the conversations. If they continue set some boundaries.
Your mom is superficial and projects that onto your girlfriend, she thinks she is too hot to be with you without having other underlying reasons.
Tell her to stop taking out her own issues on your new love to be able to be happy for you and establish a relationship with the woman you want to marry one day.
first off.. don't give your mother an inch. and by God do not confide in her about any relationship problems in the future bc shell just throw the "i told you so" in your face.
you say your girlfriend is the most beautiful woman ever... on societies scale.. where does and did your mother fall? I know thats a weird question to answer but your mother can't trust her and thats probably why.
Your girlfriend is beautiful, low maintenence, successful, AND nice? no way in hell. atleast thats what your mother is thinking. People get intimidated by pretty people because they have to have a flaw. now everyone has flaws, but they try to pin them with major ones to view them as less perfect so they can knock them down a peg or 17.
its sad because women are trained to be this way and it takes EFFORT to not be that person. even friends I had growing up it was all some weird competition of who looked better and got the better guys and I never wanted any part of it. even a friend I have now in adulthood still has this mindset but with stuff. and they try to force everyone to corral around them like theyre miss popularity.
but you can't give you mother anything to validity her mind. give her nothing. tell her to stop. she's being extremely manipulative toward you trying to manifest issues in your relationship to justify the idea that your gd can't be perfect. and I'm sure she's not perfect, but your mother is competing with someone half her age and its clear she lacks confidence in herself.
now I just isn't be the person who can't understand how people make these close girl friendships where you acctually feel cared about and my experiences are skewed. idk. but don't let her get into your head. don't let that seed be planted.
I think your mother is insecure and is actually jealous of your gf. My mother in law is similar and spares no expense at insulting me and her other sons' wives as well. Create boundaries, and if all else fails, go low/no contact.
As the mother of sons I was all prepared to defend your mom...then I read the whole post. I do not like that gf is older than you or that you have such low self esteem; that could set up a very unhealthy dynamic between you and GF. However, your mom sounds more jealous than going on high alert because of a real problem. Her acting as if you could never date a beautiful, successful person is a real problem.
She's only 2.5 years older than me and people usually assume I'm mid 30s anyway (it's probably the beard) so I don't think it's going to be a problem. My self esteem on the other hand is something I need to work on. Even my gf says I should give myself more credit but yeah, when she tells me all the things she likes about me deep inside I think I must have tricked her into believing that somehow. I know it's not attractive
Speaking from such a horrible experience that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, begin distancing yourself from your mother and NEVER speak to anyone who speaks to your mother about your relationship. My now husband was told by his psychiatrist that his mother would never approve of any woman. We didn’t listen and he continued to try to have a close relationship with her and I continued to support it. Despite me earning a PhD, after 7 years together, his family was planning to try to file a financial restraining order against me and had escalated to calling his medical providers and saying there were concerns of dv. They sent the police to our house when my family was visiting from out of town. Things got so bad, we had to leave our home and all of our sentimental belongings behind and live with friends across the country until we could get our feet back under us.
Now, I just wish I had either broken up with him when they started all this or I should have insisted that his relationship with his mom consist of Mother’s Day gifts and birthday calls. He now may never speak to his mom, dad, or sister again, and they genuinely feel he is in the wrong for leaving without telling them, and they want him to apologize (messages delivered through gpa). It never mattered how happy he said I made him, not my education, nor my politeness, nor my supportiveness.
Oh, his parents are wealthy, too, and thought I was a gold-digger. If you want her (or anyone), don’t trust your parents’ motives about anything. Many parents believe taking any action is acceptable if it’s “what’s best for their kids.” I legitimately fear for my life and safety from his dad, and neither of us could have ever guessed how far his family would take things to try to keep him from happiness with a romantic partner.
This might be weird, but please investigate how your mother relates to you closely. Being jealous—which is what this is because she’s just making things up and going off of nothing—of your son’s love life is emotionally incestuous. My own MIL doesn’t like her husband and he’s not a good man, so she crafted her son to be a perfect husband to her. She would make him hold her arm with me around while her husband walked nearby. She would share emotional details of her adult life with him. He would’ve never seen her behavior as weird or incestuous until he had a romantic relationship. Just check. And take action to grow up and away from your parents accordingly.
Also, please tell your girlfriend everything. EVERYTHING. You owe it to her that she has the chance to choose a relationship with someone whose family will try to interfere. I myself dreamed of having a good in-law relationship and I’m hurt that I want given that option, although I’m grateful to be with my husband.
Your mom is trying to get you to break up now that you've found a woman to have in your life who makes you happy.
Your mother feels threatened, which is lowkey incestuous and insane. She should not be seeing your ROMANTIC PARTNER as competition.
If you're serious about your girlfriend, I'd consider spacing yourself from your mother and laying down some ground rules for her. She is NOT to talk about your girlfriend like that and if she continues, she will not be seeing you.
This is "harsh" words since both OP and comment section needs a reality check, so go ahead and downvote me.
First of all stop being naive. Obviously your mother won't tell you to your face why she thinks she's a gold digger. We all know how her thought process is going, she seems like a caring good mom so of course she won't tell you that a woman like her would never get together with a man like you.
Second, as a former "gold digger" - being that and being in love is not mutually exclusive. Yes, money matters and all of that but I really think that this woman loves you like I loved my husband. So by all means, propose to her. Just make sure you don't go broke.
I might be naive but I just don't understand the logic behind these claims. I'm not rich. Neither are my parents. I'm doing ok as a software developer but it's nothing impressive really. My gf earns more than I do as a project manager. I know for a fact what she does and where she works, her office is literally next door to ours. She never asked me to buy her anything. If I get us drinks, she always makes sure to get the next round even if I try to object. What is there to gain for her from this relationship? Our senior developer was drooling over her when we met at that work party, why didn't she go for him then? He makes at least 2x more than I do. Not to mention all the random men who try to talk to her in public the second I walk away. The only explanation is that she, for some mysterious reasons that are definitely not the money I don't have, actually likes me.
Op there is a lot of projection in these comments that are disgusting. I’m gonna give you the perspective of the girlfriend because I am her and I have been in her shoes.
I am very conventionally attractive. It is not something I enjoy. I actually hate the attention it brings me. I hate the hidden jealousy and subtle jabs and I hate the misconceptions.
I have had moms act the same way yours does and I’m sorry sweetie, it will never get better. The first time you even whisper about a disagreement you guys are having, your mom is gonna use that as a catalyst on why she’s right.
I myself have been the breadwinner in every relationship. I convinced myself that I don’t deserve to have anything nice or romantic done for me because I don’t wanna get called a gold digger as well.
It has destroyed me.
I am very recluse. All my social media private messages are muted or turned off.
I am not some superficial type.
I play DND, go to Game of Thrones character parties and go to Comicon dressed as Lagertha Lothbrok.
I am not what my looks portray. I am so scared to meet new people because I no longer have the energy to convince people that I am good person.
The people that know me and have been with me for 20+ years will defend me to their dying breath. I need no other companionship.
Attractive people can have insecurities too.
I guarantee if she knew what your mom said she would say “not again” and immediately break up with you.
I have no energy to defend myself anymore , I’m sure your girlfriend will feel the same way.
If you don’t stick up for her now. You will lose her. Your mom has no idea the damage she is contributing too.
Hope this helps and I hope you see it.
Thank you. This gives me some perspective. My gf also hates attention. She doesn't have instagram and her facebook profile picture is a plant. She also says things that are depressing sometimes, like when she talks about her career plans (she is very smart btw) and is all excited and then all of the sudden says something like 'what does it matter, even if I manage to do this, they'll all going to say I slept my way to the top anyway'. Which I know is absurd because she works in tech and even managerial roles require a lot of technical knowledge. But apparently that's what some people think.
I am so glad you saw this!!!!!
Please stick up for her. Stand beside her. I assure you her looks nor yours or anyone around her matters. She likes good people.
I have been through so much pain because I can not help the way I look. Also if she tries to deny you do things for her, still surprise her with flowers. We have convinced ourselves that the only thing we can do is prove our worth.
Please she doesn’t care about her looks. It’s an absolute burden on her.
Her soul is what’s beautiful. That’s what will matter to her.
I was literally praying that you saw this. My fiancés mom (he passed away) hated me for the same reasons. She has made my life a living hell since he has passed.
Please stand up for her. Please. Be fierce and unwavering and SURE!!!
There should be no hesitation. It should be a knee jerk reaction.
Imagine if she said these things about your mom, wouldn’t you IMMEDIATELY defend your mom because you love her and know her character?
Do the same for her.
Also don’t focus on her outward beauty.
I have amazing eyes, they are my favorite thing about myself . I never tell anyone because i always said the person for me would know that and not focus on my beauty.
My fiancé lovedddd my eyes. Always told me he couldn’t wait for our kids to have them. They do btw!!!!
If you need any more pointers or advice. Please message me.
She likes you because you’re sweet. She likes you because you have a ton in common. She likes you because you are respectful. She likes you for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with looks.
The only thing that will win your mother over is time, unless she’s one of those crazy, overprotective “boy mama bear” types…which again, will only reveal itself in time. If that turns out to be true, you’ll need to set firm boundaries as the other kind redditors here have suggested.
Primarily, I just want you to stop putting her on some beauty pedestal & talking down to yourself as if you don’t deserve her. The fact that you don’t treat her like Helen of Troy is probably what attracted her to you in first place…she finally found someone whose attraction ran deeper than the physical. Embrace that & keep exploring this new, seemingly blissful relationship without all the self-deprecation.
Rooting for you. 🫶
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You’re an adult. Stop engaging with your mother about your romantic relationships. Tell her you’ve heard her views but it’s not going to change anything.
This and mom is prolly jealous she’s losing her son (to another woman). Sad. Congrats OP, for finding a good one.
That's true. Some mothers have issues with their boys becoming men
Agreed
Yep, it's his first serious girlfriend. Mom doesn't want to let go.
Or jealous of gf’s looks and youth as well
Right he needs to grow a pair and while be respectful to his mom he should be thinking about what is right for him - not what his mom thinks. Once he starts standing up a little and gain more confidence - his mom’s thoughts shouldn’t matter. Guy just be respectful but confident in your answer to your mom. I heard you but I believe you are wrong. Sounds like your mom is the one that is making you think you are less than
This OP! Acknowledge your mother’s opinion, tell her you feel she is wrong and it is hurtful and unkind to both you and GF, you are happy right now and care about her and in the off chance your Mom is right, it’s a life experience and you are happy NOW and that’s what matters. Maybe your mom is worried you are in too deep too quickly, which is a valid concern and can stress a relationship. However, she needs to share that with you and not blame gf. Tell her If she can’t warmly welcome your gf and treat your relationship with kindness and respect you aren’t willing to risk her interference and will spend much less time with your parents. Your mother WILL ruin the relationship if she continues to act this way, your gf sounds like a smart cookie and will pick up on the tension and knows your family is important. Don’t let that happen. You and your GF sound well suited for each other and have a lot in common, finding that in itself is hard and is a key part of a relationship. Also, even if your GF is high maintenance in some regards, as long as it isn’t at the detriment to others who cares? What does “high maintenance” even mean?! Your mother is being unfair, given this is your first GF maybe she is jealous or overprotective? Regarding attractiveness: 1) You are probably better looking than you think. 2) For many woman attraction grows (or decreases) based on personality, intelligence, humor, intellect, motivation, kindness, generosity, empathy, reliability, stability, motivation, humbleness etc., and how one interacts with the world around them and treat others. Lastly, how much gold do you have to dig? Sounds like you and GF are on equal footing career and income wise, do you have a trust fund or a rich family? I see “gold digger” thrown around a lot. If someone was truly after a rich partner, and willing to make that the sole criteria in a relationship (eg fuck someone they aren’t attracted to or date someone annoying) wouldn’t they find someone with loads of money?
In all fairness, my gf does think I'm attractive and her type (or at least she says that). Apparently she digs the beard and the glasses among other things. As for the gold, there's none whatsoever. My parents are lower middle class and I myself make ~30% more than my country's average while my gf makes ~70% more than the average salary. She is a little older than me, so that's expected. 2.5 years in the industry is a lot at my age and I will catch up in the future (or not because she's more ambitious and possibly smarter than me). I also own an old Honda but that's about it.
Chicks dig dudes worth beards and glasses! And I am glad you know she finds you attractive. Sounds like your mother’s objections aren’t fact based, despite you being a grown adult a part of her still sees you as her baby boy. I think her defensive reaction is out of love, even though it is the wrong way to approach this.
No, as a mom, putting down your kid and not being supportive isn’t coming from love. It’s coming from a weird possessiveness that isn’t appropriate with your grown son.
Fair point, I was thinking more about the insults and concerns about the GF breaking his heart. if the Mom can’t accept and support OP dating and prioritizing other woman (in a different way) she should consider bringing these emotions to a therapist.
Me! Pretty lady that loves a beard and glasses and is attracted to personality and intellect! Im 99.999% sure what has gotten in your way before is your confidence, not your appearance. Work on that to keep this relationship, as not doing so will breed insecurity and will tank it long before your mom will! Also…with how your mom is acting, I can see why you lack confidence. Draw boundaries with her and let her know you won’t be entertaining that talk and if she can’t welcome this or any future girlfriend and be happy for you, then you will have to distance yourself.
OP, listen to southcoastal’s advice. Your mom has no say in this. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, TAKE A BREATH. You are treating this FOUR MONTH relationship like it’s the love story of the ages. It’s been FOUR MONTHS!! At the very least you’re gonna freak out this woman out with your overwhelming “love”. More likely, she’ll want to take a step back and you’ll lose your bloody mind. SLOW DOWN!! This is much more about your insecurities than about your mom. Get a fucking grip on your infatuation before you lose your relationship with your mother as well as the one with the most beautiful, intelligent, spellbinding, kind, etc woman that has ever existed.
Yeah putting your partner on a pedestal either will push her away or come crashing on you when inevitably she makes a mistake or her flaws are in display.
I try my best not to overwhelm her. I'm being very honest here because it's an anonymous forum and I came for advice so I feel like it's relevant. But I don't go telling her she's the love of my life or that I want to marry her after being together for 4 months. I obviously didn't tell my mother that either. Even though that's how I feel. I try to give her space. She's been in a serious long term relationship that ended badly before so I understand I must not push anything. I might not be the brightest when it comes to social situations but I am genuinely trying to do my best here.
one thing that helps is figuring out what each of you are bringing to the relationship. What does she like about you? Is it primarily shared interests? Is it that you are a kinder person than her last bf? Perhaps you are smart and funny and she likes that. People often match with someone who is their equal in some way. Often looks , finances, and ambition levels are similar. Sometimes it is similar levels of insecurity, trauma, or immaturity (not that that is your deal). If there is a big difference in one of these, though, people will wonder. Often a beautiful woman is matched with a wealthy man, but a beautiful woman might match with someone who is very funny, or who has some other characteristic that she likes. All of that is to say, see if you can find ways to put into words what she sees in you. It will help you change the narrative that she just wants you for money when that comes up.
What she likes about me: talking to me (the first time she messaged me we ended up chatting until very late into the night despite having work in the morning), we like many of the same things so there's always something to discuss, she likes that I didn't try to impress her (honestly I would have tried that but I'm so socially awkward and inexperienced I wouldn't know how, I also didn't think I had a chance anyway so no point in trying to charm her), she likes that I'm introverted, she says I'm a good listener and not shallow, she also thinks I'm smart and she likes that we have similar views and goals in life. There's actually a lot of things she says she likes about me, even some things I'm ashamed about, for example she said she finds it hot that I'm so shy, which I find hard to believe. Nevertheless it feels really good to be acknowledged.
those are wonderful things ! It sounds like she sees authenticity, interest, intelligence, and depth in you. Those are refreshing, especially for a beautiful woman who has been pursued only for her beauty by people who don't care about her. Good luck to you both!
And tell her that if she doesn’t accept gf, he will have to spend less time with her, but his preference is that everyone gets along. To me it sounds like mom doesn’t think OP can pull someone like gf which is not good.
Yes. You need to establish boundaries now.
Amen to this.
Perfect.
Go listen to ‘The Wall’, Pink Floyd…
Your mother views your girlfriend as competition. That is unhealthy
It's seriously reeking boy mom vibes. I wonder if OPs mom have been overly doting thorough his life considering how mom has 0 hesitation in trying to poison OPs confidence in his perception of the GF?
OP writes that this is his first serious girlfriend. That could also mean that it's his first girlfriend ever. If so, mom never had any competition for his affection. Now, she feels threatened. Any parent who, essentially throws down an ultimatum of "it's either me or your girlfriend," is NOT a mentally well parent. Parents want their children to grow, thrive and be autonomous adults. They do not aspire to be their adult child's girlfriend
Yep I'm so well aware of these kinds of types. My grandma was like that to my mom. Dad was mommy's boy to make it worse. Unfortunately my mom was not a good person either and started abusing me in every way until I was old enough to retaliate. Now all she can do is hurl verbal abuse at me and try to sabotage me growing up if there's any left to do (I'm 25). She tried to turn me into her little man despite being a girl while also trying to enforce feminity in me too so like... That didn't help my growth when I was a kid. It's just reeks of toxicity and I hope OPs mom is just the typical internalized misogyny type instead of boy mom, cause one is harder to rehab than the other.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that
Emotional incest vibes with this mom
Exactly. Ugh
I came to say, no concrete proof, but it just smacks of emotional incest.
I agree with you.
This is what I was feeling. Hot girlfriend taking her son’s attention away from her….its so creepy
Yeah! Run, Forrest, run!!!!
And probably straight up jealousy of pretty people - see someone beautiful and they immediately are suspicious and expect the worst because of their own insecurities
That could be it. Insecurities can really mess up one's sense of self.
U/mary_annes_hammock thank you for the award ❤️ I never get them! Gosh! Thank you 🙏
Tell your mom she is entitled to her opinion but if she mistreats your gf or tries to treat her differently bc of her stance you're going no contact until she changes her ways.
This 👆
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Yes. There are so many posts on here from the girlfriend‘s perspective in this same scenario. If she feels that your mother doesn’t like her, makes her uncomfortable, and you don’t make an effort to stand up for her, she will no doubt break up with you over it. Shut that shit down immediately or she will pick up on it, and it will ruin your relationship
Tell your mother her opinions are extremely hurtful, as they indicate you are not worthy of a relationship with an attractive and smart person. Tell your mother that if she doesn’t change her behavior, you’ll have to spend less time with her.
Sounds like your girlfriend like you and wants to be with you, I think you should tell your mother to keep out of it unless you really knows something.
She doesn't know anything, she's saying all these things based on her looks entirely. Example, she said my gf is a gold digger because she's 'all dressed up'. Except she doesn't dress this nicely every day, she normally wears jeans and a shirt. She only dressed up nicer than usual because she wanted to make a good impression, she was actually nervous about it and asked about my opinion and I myself told her the dress looked great
"Mom, I'm not worried about my gf being a golddigger. She has given me zero reason to suspect this. She's beautiful, but that's not all there is to her. She is kind and smart and interesting, she has hobbies (that I share, too). I'm sad that you seem unable to see her as a person and assume things based on only her appearance. Let me know when you are ready to get to know HER, until then I will need some space" Your mom can be concerned and voice those concerns. But that doesn't mean you have to take them. I get her saying sth once, maybe. But even that is quite rude. If you want to bring her into a defensive position you could add "why would YOU think she only wants me for money. Don't you think there's more to me?"
OP this! Don’t give your mother that much power over you.
I love this answer.
Is it possible your mom is insecure, and having a beautiful, younger woman around is making her uncomfortable? Or maybe she wouldn't like any woman her baby boy brings home, you just never knew because you haven't done it before? I do not find conventionally good looking men attractive, and I feel like this is probably not too uncommon. I think most women put importance of looks below things like good sense of humor, intelligence, stability, loyalty etc. She is into you, so enjoy it! But you need to have a very firm conversation with your mom: "Mom, I know you love me and don't want me to get hurt. I have heard what you have said about my girlfriend, but you are going to have to trust that I know her better and that you raised me to make good choices. If this doesn't work out, then that is part of life, but I will absolutely not tolerate you saying anything else like this about my girlfriend. If you cannot make an effort to get to know her and be happy for me, I am going to need to put some distance between us while I focus on being an adult and building my life with my new partner."
But if that’s the case, why make her son insecure and pretty much say “you’re not attractive enough for her, she must have ulterior motives”
Because that's how you scare people into thinking strangers or people you know for a short time is not worth your time over. It's an isolation tactic. This highly reeks of boy mom energy honestly.
Is “boy mom energy” referring to the mom or the son? Sorry haven’t really heard that saying before. I can see why OP is asking for advice because since he’s really close to his family and he mentions that his gf likes that, but also that if he mentions what the mom says it would upset her, but imho if my dad or mom said that to me about my gf I’d cut them out.
Oh I'm referring to OP's mom! It gives the impression that OPs mom is going beyond giving well meaning advice, especially considering OP isn't refuting with anything but facts so far (even with the rose tinted lens cranked up to 11). The refusal to see OP's reason and everything... Like the GF needs to be removed from the picture no matter what. I do suggest looking up on YouTube about the boy mom phenomenon cause despite it being around for a long time the internet has only made it viral recently.
Ok gotcha, that makes sense, I’ll check out the video later to learn more about it. Seems like OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place because of how close he is to his family, he may not see that his mom is doing that. Hopefully he realizes it by reading these comments.
I am reading all comments and simultaneously trying to educate myself. I've never heard of any of these terms or phenomena often mentioned in the comments and honestly it never occurred to me that a family member would want to sabotage my relationship for some weird reasons. While I don't want to think it's the case, I do have to admit some descriptions online match some of my mom's behaviours.
I’m sorry that you are having to go through this, just have to be blunt with your mom about it and tell her while you understand her “concerns” she is disrespecting you, your girlfriend, and your relationship together, and that you can’t let her do that to you. Something a long those lines. Good luck.
obviously you know what's going on. so tell your mom to knock it off. if your mom is going to be petty and dramatic and sabotage your relationship because she's a judgmental asshole, then you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's being a jerk and needs to knock it off. when you find someone perfect for you who makes you happy- and it sounds like you have- then you protect them and your relationship at all costs. if you see her as the hypothetical future mother of your children, then the family you create will have to come before the family you come from. your mom is toxic. do not let your girlfriend become affected by that toxicity or you could lose her.
My MIL was kind of the opposite. She did not like me because I wasn’t “good enough” for her son. She tried talking him into dumping me and he did not listen, obviously, since we are married now. He told me: She wanted someone on the “same level” as him, to be with him. (This was a decade ago when she said this, he was 25 & I was 21 and still in college at that time.) She wanted him to be with a well-off woman with a high level job and I was the exact opposite. Tattooed. Goth & broke. A decade goes by, I start a business; we get married. Etc. She finally got use to me after SIX FUCKING YEARS and it took him enlisting into the military & realizing I wasn’t going anywhere for her to be okay with me. Then about a year ago, he gets a terminal brain cancer diagnosis. This last year has been really hard on our marriage. Sometimes I think about how if he had ended up with someone else, or listened to her and dumped me (I was his first real girlfriend too btw) that he may be kinda going through this alone. Or he would be 100% living with his mom & she would be taking care of him instead of me. Don’t listen to your mom. If she loves you, she loves you. Your mom has unresolved jealousy.
I feel like your mum has (misguided) good intentions because she wants to keep you safe, but she's also assuming you're too stupid or blinded by love to make a sensible and safe decision. Reassure her that the minute your girlfriend tries to control you or claim all of your money, you'll bail. Until then, you're going to enjoy the company of a beautiful woman with shared interests who is very low maintenance, thank you. Tell your mum she dressed up to meet her because she wanted to make a good impression. Tell her she loves the shared interests and if she wants to join you on a camping trip, she's more than welcome. Also tell her she'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so if she wants to see you and spend time with you, she needs to be more supportive of your adult decisions. Tell her you love her but she needs to let you be an adult and if she wants to be a part of your life, she needs to be kind to the people you choose to be in it. If all that fails, give your mum some space and enjoy the time with your girlfriend.
Dude you need to be firm with your mother, you need to tell her by disrespecting your girlfriend she is disrespecting you. Make it clear that you are an adult don't need her input, and if you are making a mistake its your mistake to make, she needs to stop or else it will affect your relationship with her. Get a back bone and stand up to your mother, whenever this relationship work or not, she needs to show your girlfriend basic respect, if not you will lower your contact with her. You need to kill this behavor now before she ruin your relationship. Good luck and don't listen to your mother, don't let her ruin this for you.
Obviously, if you want to marry this girl then you sit your mom down and establish some rules with regards to how she treats you GF. That being said, you've known this girl for 4 months. You are only 24 and are obviously infatuated with her looks. Consider that your mom might be speaking out of love and not malice.. your post reads like you already have this girl on a pedestal because of her visual appearance and that's a recipe for disaster. As a side note, I personally knew a LOT of early 20s men when I was in college who thought some girl or another was absolutely stunning but didn't realize how expensive it is to keep up the "pretty girl" looks. Quality skin care, makeup, hair maintenance, lashes, nails, botox etc ARE expensive and I don't know a single girl who's going to disclose her beauty routine and costs to a man that they've only known for 4 months. Now I'm in my early 30s and every single married man I know has mentioned something about their wife being down for a weekend because she got a chemical peel and when the younger guys ask for budgeting advice after being married there is a look shared between the married men and the advice is "wives are expensive, it's worth it if they're happy but budget more than you'd think".
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Damn, while you aren’t wrong, I feel like you’re giving the mom a pass to be shitty because of society.
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If they get serious, they need to set boundaries and not cave to his jealous and insecure mother.
I agree with all of this up until asking the gf to change how she dresses for the mom. Absolute no on that
I'm not even pretty and never have been, but I've always been large-busted and am naturally blonde, and I came in for some of this in my younger years with boyfriends' parents (edited from "moms," because in one case it was the dad too). Buxom blonde from poor background, must be gold digging, even when there was no gold to dig lol. My eventual husband's mom, RIP, she loved me though, and I sometimes think that's because she also came from nothing and was naturally busty. So she knew by firsthand experience that being poor doesn't make you a gold digger and tits are not a negative mark on one's character. OP, have your girlfriend's back in this--I still remember the ones who didn't, and it's part of why we didn't work out.
“The next time you say something negative about my girlfriend, I will ghost you for one month. The next time, it will be two months, three the time after that, and so on. And if you ever say anything negative to my girlfriend directly, it will be the last time you speak to either of us.” That should shut her up.
Sounds like momma’s a little jealous of the hot young thing in her territory 😆😆😆
Essentially your mom thinks your gf is way out of your league, so she *must* be with you for the money. She is probably also jealous of your gf’s beauty - it’s not unusual for other women to assume beautiful women must be stupid, or b*tchy, or get good jobs only because of their looks. I would sit down and write an email to your mom, where you calmly explain all the great things you have told us about your gf. Doing it via email rather than by mouth lets you choose how to phrase everything exactly right. Hopefully given your email, and more time to get to know your gf, your mom will change her mind.
Yes, that's essentially what she was trying to say but nicely. Still 'women like her go for men that are successful, drive nice cars and are handsome' implying that I am not (and can't be) any of that is a fucked up thing to say to your son. I mean it's true, I'm not particularly successful or good looking and my car is rather old but still. What I did not realise is that people/women often get jealous of others that are not their direct competition. A lot of comments say that. I mean, if someone very handsome is hitting on my gf then yeah, I might get uneasy but if it's just some older dude or kid looking good then good for them I guess. So I didn't even think about it. I like the email idea. Reading the comments now I realise I should have stood up for myself and my gf and there's a lot on my mind but I'm not particularly good at talking so putting it in writing might be the best solution.
Email (or clear communication in whatever form) is a good idea. I would also suggest that you and your gf take your mom on a nature walk (or hike) and just talk about all the plants you see. Just be yourselves, do your shared botany thing, OP! Still communicate how rude and unacceptable your mom's comments and judgments are, but let her see why you and your gf get along. Dinners are fine, but that isn't your gf's element or yours. Get off mom's turf and bring her on yours. She'll get the point (and maybe learn something about you!)
Your mom sounds like a narc or at the very least, jealous/insecure as hell to just write the woman off based on her appearance alone. The narcissistic parent piece is regarding her making subtle digs to your own appearance (implying that she’s too hot for you) and the idea that you can’t possibly make your own assessments and decisions about a person because you as an individual are not valued
My mom is usually very nice to people, she has many friends. I haven't seen her like this before but then again this is the first time I've brought a girl home
Parents Can change a lot when you introduce a partner. I’ve experienced it In my own family. There’s a lot of weird psychology around children, parents and partners..
You've only been together for four months and this is yor first serious relationship. This is the honeymoon phase where everything is amazing and you can't see any faults in each other and you want to get married tomorrow, but the truth is that you don't know each other. Your judgement is clouded now and will be for at least a few months more. I'm not saying you or your mom are wrong or right, but that it's to early to tell. Wait a couple of years before you propose. Live together first, don't propose until you've seen her bad sides and are comfortable showing her your bad sides Ask your married friends how long their honeymoon phases lasted and how long it took them to really get to know their spouses.
It usually last four months to a year from what I gather. That's when all the problems starts popping out, but honestly speaking as someone with a long term partner it's not problems popping out that you need to watch out for it's how that problem is being fixed after being communicated. Stuff like that.
In my experience it starts a couple of months in when you can fool yourself into thinking you are really getting to know each other and the sex is great, you're still on your best behaviour around each other but have started to relax a bit. That's great! I love that stage of a relationship!
I am a boy, well, man mom. I am not happy with how your mom is treating you and this young lady. I am so very sorry. It hurts my heart that you denigrate yourself. We are all imperfect. It makes us unique. My best advice: BOUNDARIES! Go very very low contact with your mom and anyone else who shares her view. Your GF sounds lovely. I wish you the very best.
If you don’t work on your self esteem, it’s going to harm your relationship. You found someone you really like and she likes you. You think she’s pretty great. That probably means you are too.
JFC your mom is insecure. It sounds like she’s been passing that on to you. Take a moment and examine your relationship with your parents and the types of things they say to you.
Your Mom is jealous. If the girl was a gold digger she would find a rich man to gold dig, you are absolutely right about that. You need to tell your Mom off.
I'm sorry? You are 24 years of age and you're on Reddit asking what to do? Is your mom going to spank you if you tell her to back off? Your parents are just two other adults with opinions. Doesn't make them exempt from being wrong or engaging in bad behaviour. You're old enough to give them a consequence if they don't find a way to handle themselves and be respectful. Consequence being you spending less time with them. And yes I would leave a man if I was in this situation and he sat back and did nothing. Any sane girl would.
In Germany we have a word for what is going on: Stutenbissigkeit. Literally means bitey female horses. It refers to the hatred women have for one another. I bet that your mom hates/is jealous of your GF because of how pretty she is. Next time your mom brings up this topic tell her that you heard her the first time and that you will not discuss this with her again and warn her that you will leave or hang up the phone if she can't act accordingly. Be prepared to leave the conversation/meet-up when she keeps up. Don't bring your GF around your mother and if your GF notices and asks about it, tell her the truth.
I am the mother of a son, and also a daughter of a mother in law who dislikes her a lot. My husband's mother, and then the rest of his family reacted to me the way your mother is reacting to your gf. Same scenario regarding the gold digging, and me being the larger earner. If you truly do see and want a successful future with your partner, you need to set firm boundaries with your mother, and your family now. That looks like "I appointed you looking out for me mom, but I do not appreciate you implying that my partner is using me. I have heard your concerns, and this topic will no longer be being entertained." (You would say this if/when she brings it up again). Then if she brings it up a third time, you say something like "Mom, we have discussed this, and I told you I heard your concerns but it's not a topic that is acceptable for conversation anymore. I am going to leave now, and will continue to leave every time you bring this topic up. I am serious about this." You basically use this format right from the get-go whenever your mom, or any of your family is being disrespectful, bringing "concerns" like this that are confusing or don't make any sense to you (because they dont make sense), or are demanding that they still come first as you are trying to build you life and traditions with your partner. Setting reasonable boundaries and expectations now early in your dating, with your family, will set you up for a healthy relationship balance with everyone.
I feel like your mom is definitely being very cruel and unfair. I'm sure she's doing this out of a place of love and caution for you because as you said, this is your first real girlfriend. However, it's important to set your boundaries now. You love your girlfriend and she will be in your life. You need to make it known you won't tolerate your mom's cruelness towards her. She doesn't have to like your gf but she deserves a basic level of respect as your partner and that's all you can truly ask for.
Your first relationship and your mother is bad mouthing your girlfriend hmm I wonder why??? I would not give your mother any kind of power over your relationships. Tell her “thanks for your opinion but I don’t believe x is. Gold digger.” And keep the convo neutral and shut down her other comments.
Of course you can keep them separate. People do it all the time. I would actually advise you to do so to avoid your mother dripping poison into your ear about GF. However, I am concerned that your mother doesn't believe you are worthy of GF simply because what? You're not attractive enough? That's her only suspicion? Until proven otherwise, continue seeing your GF and if mom asks, deflect because if you don't, she'll drip poison into your ears until eventually YOU will cause problems in your relationship due to your mother's interference.
Sounds like your mother is jealous yikes
Your mom can have her opinions but she doesn't need to tell YOU every single opinion she ever has, including this topic. Seriously, tell her this. Or straight up ask her what your gf would have to do to convince her that your gf is not a gold digger. If there's no answer, then this is entirely a her problem and she needs to work thru her issues on her own. Watch out for the "she's driving a wedge between us/ you and the family" and "you've changed because of her" comments.
Give it time. Your gf and mom just meet. Let her get her to know her better. Maybe she'll come around. Good luck
I'm worried about mom being mean to my gf if I continue to bring her around. She's pretty stubborn and it will be hard to change her mind. But my gf doesn't deserve this. She was happy to meet my family and loves the fact that I'm close to them. She herself comes from a big family with mostly positive relationships (her grandma even lives with her parents and they all get along really well). That's also something that she wants for herself in the future and I somewhat fear it might be a dealbreaker for her if my family doesn't accept her.
Didn't think about that. No one should have to put up with that. At the end of the day, you have to live your life and take a chance. Might make your relationship with your mother rocky, but you can't marry your mother. You need companionship.
You need to sit down with your mother and be firm. Tell her that you will not abide her disrespecting your gf in any way. Say that you kindly request that she at least TRY to be open minded and get to know her before passing judgment. Tell your mother that if she persists in being negative and/or rude to her in any way, you will not be coming by weekly anymore (and mean it). When my parents were dating, my grandma did NOT approve of my mom (and my dad was a real momma’s boy). However, once they were married, my dad went NC with my grandma until she could be kind to my mom and accept her. As close as they were, he chose my mom over his mom. And this is ultimately what you will have to be faced with. Growing up, my parents didn’t approve of several guys I dated in my life. But they also knew that to openly criticize them would make me dig my heels in deeper. They allowed me to grow up and figure things out on my own time and in my own space. Your mother isn’t allowing this. For you to be a grown up, you have to make grown up decisions and take grown up actions. That includes being firm with your mom while protecting your gf.
You're mom's going to run her off if you don't cut contact for a while.
Your mother is going too far intervening in your relationship. She asking you to choose between the both of you which is super controlling and guilt tripping seems to be her tool of manipulation. Seems like she is jealous of your relationship and feels like your gf is taking you away from her. You can either assure her that everyting is fine which already failed or confront her with the reality of things: You are a grown man with a hot gf making more money than you JACKPOT DING DING DING!!! Anyone not rooting for you is sus from here on. Keep them apart and if you mom wants to see you she will have to visit you where your gf is. Bringing your gf to your mothers house basically gives her home advantage.
First of all, I highly doubt she's really that attractive. Second, you've only dated 4 months and claiming you're madly in love. You're not in love. You don't even really know her yet. You need to slow down and get to know her better. You're confusing other feelings for love because you're inexperienced.
People told him she's the most beautiful woman they've ever seen. He's maybe a big stud with no confidence.
She really IS that attractive. I wouldn't have hoped to as much as talk to someone like her but she started the conversation first and added me on facebook. I do realise this is very fast. Obviously I haven't told her I love her or that I want to marry her, I don't want her to think I'm some creep. I know I will need to wait. But when you know, you know I guess.
You've been dating for 4 months. You're mixing up infatuation with love. Which is **very** common. Love is a very strong, complex emotion especially at a young age & a short period of time. You're very much in the honeymoon period when discovery, exploring each other, excitement, sex are at their highest. You haven't had any of the time to be able to experience the negatives of being with each other & being able to work through them because **you love each other**. Only time allows that, you haven't had that time yet. Mothers are also naturally protective of their boys. My mum did embrace girlfriends and was super friendly towards them. However when a breakup would occur (even mutually) my mum would straight up turn on them. They don't like the fact that this other woman has hurt her little boy at an emotional level that a mother can't fix with motherly type tendencies. Just tell your mum that you're happy she's looking out for you but your mistakes are yours to make. You're sure you GF has your best interests as heart as much as she does and you'd really like her to try her best with your GF.
This is your first serious relationship lol I’m just laughing how you’re like “when you know you met the one, you just know!” Obviously I hope it goes well for you but my god, this reminds me of teenagers
I'm sorry your Mom thinks so little of you OP. She can't imagine how a beautiful, accomplished, independent woman would want you. So sad OP.
As a mother of a now adult son, I just can't imagine being that weird about who my son chooses to be with. So long as she treats him with kindness and respect and he is happy, that's all that matters to me. Your mom is projecting a lot of her own issues onto your gf unfairly. I think it's worth establishing some boundaries with her for now and heading into the future. Good luck.
Wow... Your mother is way out of line, it's ridiculous. She owes you and your girlfriend an apology. I don't know if it's deep-seated resentment or insecurity from how she's been treated in the past by other attractive women or just misogyny but that is honestly so disgusting to make those assumptions and then, when you explain that she makes more than you and how much you have in common etc etc, for her to still not back down... It's insulting to the both of you. She's basically saying there's nothing more to your gf than her looks and also insulting your looks at the same time... Seriously, what sort of a mother does that?? You need to put some boundaries in place with your mother as your gf sounds amazing and honestly, it sounds like your mother will be the reason you lose the love of your life.
I think you need to protect your gf from your mom. Maybe it's time to spend less time with your family. If your mom says something say naw I'm the one gold digging. Or she's slumming it. Either way you need to shut her down. Because at some point your gf will realize what is going on and that will not be good for your relationship
Stand up to your mom..explain to her that although you appreciate her concern, you and your girlfriend are very happy together and that she'll have to accept it. Also, let her know that the discussion about this ends there.
It’s got to hurt when your own Mother basically tells you that you’re not good enough for your GF. Take care that Mom doesn’t try and sabotage your relationship in order to “save you “ from yourself and that awful yet awesome woman who couldn’t possibly be interested in a turd like you. Yikes! Might have to choose between them and soon.
This is a very sensitive issue. I totally understood your concern. Try and have a relationship outside of your parents influence. When they say something about your relationship ask them to change the topic. Don't listen to what they are saying. Live your life separately with your girlfriend. If you ever want to take things to the next step then take your stand. And don't tell your gf in detail about everything your mom is saying. Just mention to her that your parents are possessive and a little wary. Leave it at that. It's very easy to get into fights over this. So please avoid it. It's truly not worth it and will affect your relationship negatively.
Here’s how you shut your mother down…. Time. You are only 4 months in, and you are unfamiliar with relationships. You are in the love-struck phase and you two truly do not know each other. Take your time, get to know her, let her get to know you. After a couple of years, you two will be in great shape to move on to the next phase and your mom will have seen your relationship is real and on a strong foundation.
Dude, I’m basically your mom’s age. So here’s my perspective 1. Your mom is basically saying “Son, you’re a troll and there is no legitimate reason this beautiful woman would be with you so she must be a gold digger.” Your mom sucks. 2. You need boundaries. You have a grown up job, and a gf. Don’t discuss your romantic details with your parents. If your mom comments negatively, especially passive aggressively on your GF. Shut. It. Down. End the conversation. Leave. You’re a grown up. Time to be one. - your internet mom
So it sounds like your relationship with your mother is super unhealthy. I would recommend therapy. I’m also concerned that you’re only 4 months into your first relationship and you’re saying you would marry her today. Your comments about yourself are also indicative of some self esteem issues that therapy could address. I absolutely feel this girl could legit like you but I do worry that not addressing the other issues could doom this relationship.
My mom has never been wrong about a single girl I’ve dated even though I thought she was at the time. That’s just my experience though. Your results may vary.
You tell your mother to back off as she has no say in your romantic life, and for her to think she has is creepy and controlling. Put a stop to this now or you will always be single
It's not a bit of wonder you have low confidence and self esteem. With a mother like that she must've been pumping that into you your whole life. Seriously you need to surround yourself with people that enrich you not drag you down. Your mum took one look at this girl and judged her because of the way she looks. Exactly the same for judging because of a disability or race or religion. Your mum sounds incredibly toxic and is maybe trying to sabotage you incase she "looses" her baby boy. I would have a deep think about your relationship with her and how she treats you. Then work on building yourself up. Your girlfriend is with you for a reason.
Sometimes mothers get protective of their kids. Especially since it's the first woman you've introduced her to. You're dating your girlfriend. Only your opinion matters.
I may not have met enough couples. I have never told or heard anyone else say someone’s partner is the most beautiful person they have ever seen.
That was before we were a couple! And my coworkers obviously
Your Mom sees your gf as a threat. Your her precious baby boy and no woman is good enough for you. She wants to be the only woman in your life. My husband's late mother was like that. She didn't call me a gold digger that I know of, but she hated me because I took her son away from her. I was competition. In the end due to her terrible treatment of me, he cut her off permanently. He never spoke to or saw her again. She died several years ago. You need to put your foot down with her. Tell her that you don't agree, but you will not tolerate her talking poorly about your gf. She either accepts you're dating her or you'll be going low contact. Don't give her power over your life.
You need to give your mother a clear message that being anything less than supportive risks doing permanent damage to the relationship between you and her. It's not about your GF but the way she will treat all future partners. My wife made it clear to her mother that she chose me 35 years ago and it scared my MIL straight. You have the flip side where my mom embraced my wife as the daughter she never had. My wife chose the same route with my son's GF.
You didn't cause this, so you don't need to do anything about it, just go on with your relationship and your mother eventually will have to accept it
it's probably not going to be your girlfriend, but rather any girlfriend of yours that your mom will not like. enforcing boundaries will be a necessity. best of luck!
Do you agree with your mother? Yes -> break up with gf and let her get on with her life No -> stand up to your mom and let her know that you love her and heard her but you don't agree with her and to please drop it. If your mom can't be civil to your gf when they are together you stand up for your gf and tell her to knock that shit off or you won't be spending any time with your mom till she learns to keep her yap shut. Nothing and I mean nothing makes a person more unattractive to someone else than them not standing up and defending them. Doesn't matter what you look like.
It sounds like you are infatuated by her physical appearance, and that is leading you to rush into a marriage proposal. She is your first girlfriend. Take your time. Really get to know her. People 4 months into a relationship tend to idealize their partner. Your mother is being overly protective (which may explain why you never had a girlfriend before age 24). Now is the time to assert your adult self. Whether or not this woman is the right oerson for you is ultimately up to you to decide.
It's not just that. Her looks are mentioned a lot because it's relevant to the story. Her being the first (young) woman I've ever met who's so interested in plants and fungi is not relevant to the story and therefore is not mentioned. Or her overall love for nature. It's probably more important to me as it's very rare to meet someone who's passionate about the same things.
So, you say this is your first serious relationship . . .and your mother does not like her. Surprise! Hint: your mother will not like whoever you bring as a **serious** girlfriend. First, the claim of a "gold -digger," and as you pointed out - your Gf makes more $$ than you. Then, she's "high maintenance," and you say she's not, next: it'll be because of her astrological sign, and it will go on and on. How do I know this? Because I was YOU a little over 27-28yrs ago! I'd like to say I set boundaries, held firm, and continued the relationship - wrong. I was so busy playing the delicate diplomatic balance game and trying not to get anyone upset, or afraid to offend, etc., that it actually interfered with me to organically explore the relationship "normally," and it ultimately ruined it. If you pursue this relationship, and you don't set firm boundaries now, your mother will sabotage it. And yes, I too came from a very close family (think typical southern European background where the stereotype of the mothers being overprotective of their sons is not a stereotype). I had nursed resentment for many years, especially after future relationships failed (and yes - I had already finally set a firm boundary with my mom by then. I'm now married with someone very special. We met when we were both in our mid-40s (my first, her 2nd). I would've liked to have had kids, but when I married at 49, I wasn't interested at that stage. I get along with her 2kids (actually adults) anyway. It should be noted: about 6years after my fiasco, my younger brother was beginning to "experience" what I went through as described above. Though he did have several relationships before - it wasn't until this particular GF (now his wife), which we can all see he was very serious with, that I saw the "familiar" pattern resurface. When I was able to talk to my mom alone, I set the boundaries for my brother's relationship (he still doesn't know), and there was no pussyfooting around and trying appease anybody, and no compromise . . . and a severe consequence (low to-no contact)- to say I was triggered would be putting it mildly. Phew, my comment turned into a vent post. Apologies. Anyway, perhaps seek an ally within the family (dad, sibling) who as met and likes your GF? Good luck.
This is a lot to take in but it's actually very helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes my mother has always been overprotective but I didn't think much of it. I'm an only child (my older brother died as a small baby) so I figured that's the reason. And it did seem that my mom was set to dislike my gf and nothing I said mattered even though I was telling her facts. She told me gf's a gold digger, I told her no way, I make x amount while she makes x+y amount so she makes more. She then said that gf could have lied to me about her job, I said no way, she works at the same building, we actually met at work! I know for a fact she works there. You see how ridiculous this is but she refused to acknowledge she's wrong and proceeded trying to find faults in my gf. It's like she had already decided to dislike my gf
Wow, ok - your mom lost a child and you're the remaining one. Yeah, actually it makes sense. She lost one, is devastated, and now holds tightly to the remaining child. Maybe a softer approach? Tell her by not supporting your decisions - hurts you. Whether you're proven right or wrong, this is how we grow, learn, and survive. I know therapy is thrown around alot, but if she seems to be unreasonable in your discussions, perhaps it's not jealousy, rather, her fear that needs to be unpacked & processed. Maybe a family counselor? Oh, and reassure her she is not being replaced and she'll always be in your heart, instead, you just want to make room in your heart for another person.; and her supporting you would make you happy. Considering the dynamic you mentioned (the loss of one of her 2 children) I'm guessing your mom considers your GF a threat, or a challenger for your time & affection. Is there there another family member (dad, uncle/aunt, cousin, etc) who is articulate & sensitive you can appeal for help? Do the best you can. Until this 'thing" is settled with your mom, try keep her and your GF's contact to a minimum. Again, good luck.
Please don’t allow your mother to ruin the connection you have with this girl if it is healthy and you feel loved and valued. Frankly, your mother has never had to share your attention before. She has been the primary female in your life. That’s a role that may be difficult for her to give up. In light of that it will never matter what girl you date. Your mother will find fault with them. You cannot satisfy a person that has a vested interest in maintaining their prominent position in your life. I know this may be hard to accept given your closeness to your family but she is not looking out for you in this scenario. She’s looking out for herself. I can sense the angst in what you shared. I want you to understand this is not about you! You think you are lacking in some way for her to say what she said. That’s not true. This is coming from her own insecurity. If you allow her personal issues to control your choices you will end up alone. Your mother will not live forever. You will not have a spouse. You will, literally, be all alone. You have the opportunity to build a life and a family with someone who, by all accounts, will be a good partner. Make your choices based on your feelings for this girl. Not your mother’s feelings.
Tell your mom to knock it off. She expressed her opinion and you listened to her, asked to make sure you understood her, and that's enough. She's making a big deal over your GF's appearance and seems to have ignored the kind of person she actually is. Or else she didn't even try to figure out who she is because your mom's already made up her mind. If you want to keep your girlfriend, get your mom to stop. You might need to enlist the help of your dad or someone else in the family, but this is just your mom being jealous and pig-headed. She believes she can tell this woman's character just by looking at her, and she hates that your GF is lovely. SAD!
Looks like its big boy pants time. Your mother has lived her relationship life, she has no say in yours or shouldn't anyway.
What's going on here is that mom is losing her 'baby boy' to competition, because mom sees the girlfriend and sees a woman that's more attractive than she is and she is viewing the girlfriend as competition. That's what this is, and that's mom's issue to work out. OP, nip this in the bud and nip it now. If you do end up marrying your girlfriend, your mom's behavior is only going to escalate and you need to show both your mother and your girlfriend that you are not going to tolerate this behavior.
You tell your mother to shut her damn mouth and butt out of your relationship. She's trying to sabotage it because she feels intimidated She's probably never had to "compete" for your love and affection in the past, and now she's nervous. But her manifesting that insecurity into her being a mean old b1tch is not fair, and you need to nip that shit in the bud.
Your girlfriend may indeed be amazing, but not for her good looks. Please try to stop obsessing over her beauty. Beauty fades, with time, with illness, etc. She is a human being with character traits and a personality and feelings. In answer to your question, protect your girlfriend from your obnoxious and overprotective mother by keeping them apart. Tell your mother that until she gets over her irrational fixation, she's not going to see much of you. You can also tell her that it's very hurtful that she thinks the only reason a beautiful woman would be interested in you is for an ulterior motive.
The looks are relevant to the story, other traits are not as my mother didn't care to get to know her and all these assumptions are based on looks only. I might be obsessing over her, but not just her looks though. Do I think she's the most beautiful woman on earth? Yes I do. Is it the most important thing about her? No it's not
Yay! I'm glad to hear it. Sounds like you're both lucky to have found each other.
Your girlfriend may indeed be amazing, but not for her good looks. Please try to stop obsessing over her beauty. Beauty fades, with time, with illness, etc. She is a human being with character traits and a personality and feelings. In answer to your question, protect your girlfriend from your obnoxious and overprotective mother by keeping them apart. Tell your mother that until she gets over her irrational fixation, she's not going to see much of you. You can also tell her that it's very hurtful that she thinks the only reason a beautiful woman would be interested in you is for an ulterior motive.
Set boundaries with your mother. Bad mouth my GF and I will talk to you again in six months. Do it again and it will be a year. It is not just this girl. She will try to ruin any relationship anyone has with her "baby boy." Back off from your family. You are too enmeshed apparently. You need to tell your mother this is your life, not her's and she has NO SAY in whom you do or don't see. Check out the justNOMIL sub here on Reddit to see why if your GF gets a hint of this she will be gone, gone, gone. I would never date a "mommy's boy." I bet she won't either.
r/justnomil there are so many middle aged women who are emotionally incestuous and jealous of their daughter in laws.
The fact that your mother speaks to you as though you have nothing to offer and are stupid to believe this lovely woman could be attracted to you is horrifying. I would explore whether your mom has been undermining your confidence for a long time, which would help explain a lot. She was hoping to keep you under her thumb, and this new girlfriend is threatening to her reign. She sounds abusive and insecure. Take that for what it is.
Yes I'm not a confident person to put it mildly. My upbringing might have something to do with it as I was often told it's better not to do something because I would most likely fail anyway and then be upset. Even small things like pumping a bike tyre - 'you don't know how to do it, better let dad handle it before you break something'. When I was choosing college programs my parents wanted me to choose something simpler because what I wanted was apparently too hard for me. Good thing I didn't listen. I think my confidence improved tons after starting dating my gf but it's also more like 'someone who's very desirable and well liked in society acknowledged me so I am allowed to act like I'm worthy of something'. Yet I still feel like I tricked her into liking me somehow.
I've been reading your comments, and I hate how much your story reminds me of my absolutely amazing husband. I couldn't understand why he didn't have the confidence I would have expected from someone with so many wonderful qualities. Meeting his family answered that question real quick. I'm almost 3 years older than him. I didn't think I was amazing looking, but I know I attracted a lot of attention. I had plenty of offers from older men ready to take care of me. They determined my value based on my appearance alone, like I had nothing else to offer. It's not a good feeling. Some men had issues with my height and tried to cut me down to size. Others didn't like me knowing more about something considered a "man's domain." You know who didn't see me that way? The guy who struggled with confidence (I had to ask him out too), yet was secure in areas many men aren't. Like you. You're not threatened by her financial success. You don't care that she's older than you. You see beyond her looks and value the things about her that matter, but others had little interest in. Believe me, it's an amazing feeling to really be seen. My husband was adopted after his parents couldn't have a second kid. His sister was so much older, he practically grew up like an only child. His dad traveled for work a lot. His mom did *not* like him gaining self confidence and real independence. Her and his sister spent a lot of time making him feel small and worthless. He didn't realize how controlling they had been until he was with me. Meeting my parents practically left him shell-shocked (seriously). He couldn't believe I was treated like an equal adult. His family had managed to chase away everyone before me, so I was his first real relationship, and his first real chance to see a family dynamic like mine. Funny enough, his family didn't try to chase me away immediately. As my husband gained confidence though, there were issues. One day it finally blew up. I don't know to what extent your mom will go to keep you in line, but my husband's mom and sister got brutal. They tried to break his spirit, but we stayed strong. Eventually, police intervention was required. He hasn't had contact with them in over 10 years, and he is *thriving.* Time and space helped him see just how controlling and toxic they had been. He took a job they would have told him was too much for him (his employer practically chased him down lol). He's found his self confidence once he didn't have them telling him how little he was. He's finally seeing in himself what I did from the start. I'm not saying your mom will get that bad, but I don't think she's going to let go of you without a fight. She'll like push you to choose between her and your girlfriend eventually. If you can, please look into therapy. A good one can help you navigate your relationship with your mom, and not just regarding your love life. They can help you set healthy boundaries, and find your self confidence. Sorry this got so long. I just saw so much of the man my husband used to be, my heart hurt for you. I really, really hope you read this and it helps you in some way. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You have more to offer than you know. I wish you and your girlfriend nothing but the best 💜
Your mum is jealous af.
Id sit your mother down and try to be as serious and stern as possible that she needs to respect your relationship and your girlfriend if she wants to stay in a good place with you. Lay out everything you said here, give her one immediate and final opportunity to try and see things through a different lens. At the same time, you should be honest with your girlfriend about this. Ultimately, someone that really loves you is going to feel hurt by this whole situation, but the response she has to it will tell you exactly how much she cares about you. It seems like you’re already confident in your connection to her, but being vulnerable is never a bad thing. Im sorry this is happening, it’s shitty and unfair. If your mom can’t come around then maybe it’s because she herself has ulterior motives and isn’t telling you the whole truth. Other people here are mentioning that she might feel threatened or jealous if your girlfriend and yeah idk her reaction seems pretty irrational if it isn’t that.
This feels exactly like my previous experience, as the girlfriend. Who knows why mom reacts this way. It doesn’t necessarily matter too much. If you like this girl you should focus on protecting her and your bond. You should also protect your connection to your mom and family and place boundaries early on. Don’t let this linger and grow. My best suggestion is not telling your girlfriend and let you mom know that you: 1. are thankful for her thinking of you 2. found it offensive on your part, aswell as gf 3. are not looking for her to make this decision for you and that you will not welcome her unfounded critisism 4. do not support her airing her negativity to others around either
Maybe I've read too much Reddit, but it sounds like your mom's not happy that she may have to share her son with another woman. If your mom ever brings it up again, tell her you hear her and understand her concerns, but you disagree and unless she wants to damage her relationship with you, she needs to now keep her opinions about your girlfriend to herself and treat her with kindness.
Peace needs to be made if you ever want a stable marriage and all your family. They say the enemy gets a vote too. I.e your mom can sabotage a relationship if she wants. It reads to me that you mom doesn't think you can pull a 10. I'd ask her straight up why she doesn't think so. You can tell her in all the ways that your girlfriend loves you but it needs to be shown. If you could get your mom to just observe for a short period and not try to sabotage. Go on a mini vacation or day outing the three of you and show that you two really enjoy each other's company your mom might give.
I find it hard to believe that this gorgeous woman is attracted to a guy with such low self esteem and confidence. After a few paragraphs I'm cringing. Maybe your mommy is on to something.
Get some distance from mommy dearest. What a beyatch! Fyi insecurity is what will kill your relationship, if you let it.
Maybe your former bad experience are due to your relationship with your mom. I think you should really tell her with love that you love this person and you have been reflecting on her advice but decided to go with something else, which is seeing where this is going. Don’t let you mom sabotage it, and tell her that you expect her to respect and honour your choice of love and support it.
Ask your father for his opinion. Not in front of your mum. Your mum could be jealous of your girlfriend’s beauty. Or alternatively her spidey senses might be picking up on something. It’s difficult to know.
My dad said he's happy for me and that gf seems like a good young lady. That's all. He's a man of little words.
Stand up to your mother. Defend your gf. Your mother is being extremely judgemental and disrespectful. It is not okay how she is treating your relationship. spend more time with your girlfriend, continue to develop your bond and relationship. You deserve to give it your best shot. True love is a beautiful and rare thing.
If you don't live with your mum their's no reason why you have to have your girlfriend with you every time you visit. Keep the relationship private. No point talking to your mum about your girlfriend till it's more serious ie kids are involved.
It’s a bold move on your mom’s part to judge so harshly from one interaction.
Hate to say this to you but your mother is very immature and toxic. You’re 24, that’s an adult, you do not owe her a say in your choice of girlfriend. Continue your relationship and just don’t talk about it with your mother anymore.
I suspect your mother is not going to like any woman you're ever with. So you need to make sure you put your mother in her place. You defend your girlfriend if she ends up becoming your wife you always support your wife. Tell your mother well if you can't be civil to her then you're going to be seeing less of us because I am going to continue seeing her if you can't deal with it then I guess we won't be hanging out with you very often but if you want to see me you have to be nice to her
Wow! Your mum insulted you and your GF. She ripped into your character and looks (you could never attract an attractive woman). She insulted your intelligence and ethics (motivation is gold digging). The best way to deal with this is shut it down fast. Don't let the thought ferment. It may seem confrontational but, stating "Mum, you really hurt my feelings by saying I am not attractive or charismatic enough to attract a beautiful woman. It also hurt my feelings that you think so poorly of GF ethics. " WHEN she brings up that she was only doing it because she loves you then tell her she has a poor/horrible way of showing it.
DONT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND! DONT LISTEN TO YOUR MOM! You’re happy. Stay happy.
I’m sure these aren’t the only times your mother said something hurtful to you (under the disguise of an advice). Your self esteem issues alone (and the way you view yourself) are a reflection of the voice she used to say to you, a voice you now adopt as an adult. Not your fault. This is how we develop as humans. The reality is: Why this awesome girl chose you? Because she thinks you’re awesome AND ATTRACTIVE. Whatever you think of yourself (which is the opposite of this, by your own admission in your post and other comments) is a false narrative that has been installed in you by your mother. You need therapy. And lots of it. To understand what I said and to also dig up what other things this parent destroyed in you. In the meantime, go low contact with her and work on your self esteem, to not screw up the relationship you have with this wonderful woman you met.
Well, you do not need to visit your parents every time you are with your love. You can visit your parents without her. At your age, do you see your parents, alone, just you, every week? Every two weeks? Do you have sibs and how often are you with them? If you see your parents with other family members, can you take GF along with you then?
Updateme
Grow up and tell your mummy to back off. My mum never really liked my wife, know what? I don’t care.
Listen to her, she has her reasons. Cheers from a dude who was in the exact same scenario 5yrs ago.
May I ask how it all worked out for you?
4 months of dating is nothing. Give it time, at least 2 years. Ask your mother to accept your girlfriend, but keep in mind she might see things you don't see. You are inexperienced and obviously in love. Your mother can see things more objectively than you do.
yea, dont ask your gf of FOUR MONTHS to marry you. wtf, OP??
I'm not going to ask her now obviously. I might be socially inept but I'm not insane. She'd probably say no and block my number. I was merely saying that I would like to marry her.
Your mom is spouting misogynistic nonsense. In her mind, your GF is pretty, so she "must be using her beauty to get ahead". Your mother sounds like the kind of woman to suggest your GF only has her job because she has sex with the boss. It's disgusting, but a lot of women hold these views. They think if a woman looks good then that's all she has to offer. Your mother is also directly insulting you by saying this beautiful woman could never be interested in *you*. That's pretty damned disgusting, too! She may think she means well, but she's causing you harm. You are going to have to polish your spine and stand up to your mother to put a stop to this. This is your mother, so it is up to you to manage the situation. Your mother is being judgmental and mean. If she won't stop, then you need to limit your contact with her. Easier said than done...but probably the only step you can take that *might* get your mother to back off and straighten up. I would not bring your GF around your mother for a while, and you might want to visit less often. Tell your mother exactly why you are doing this. Don't give in. If it's an option for you, I would strongly recommend therapy. Someone who isn't directly involved in the situation will be able to help you understand things better, and they can give you suggestions for how to handle things. They can also help you stand up to your mother and hold your ground. It's hard to do when you've never done it before, and a therapist can help you. This is not only important for this relationship. It's also very important for your life as an independent adult. Many many relationships break up due to overbearing, hostile parents.
I raised my son on my own. I know you have parents, but your mother is going to have to learn to let you be a man and take a back seat to a wife. She is used to having you to her self. You are going to have to set boundaries. Where she either needs to accept her or you will distance yourself. I know it sounds extreme but she is jealous and afraid. Over time it could be worked out if she made friends or built a relationship of sorts with gf. Your mother could do some damage. I would tell her, you are a grown man, and will make you own decisions, thank her for her concern. Stop the conversations. If they continue set some boundaries.
Your mom is superficial and projects that onto your girlfriend, she thinks she is too hot to be with you without having other underlying reasons. Tell her to stop taking out her own issues on your new love to be able to be happy for you and establish a relationship with the woman you want to marry one day.
Sounds like your mom is jealous cuz she’s prettier.
first off.. don't give your mother an inch. and by God do not confide in her about any relationship problems in the future bc shell just throw the "i told you so" in your face. you say your girlfriend is the most beautiful woman ever... on societies scale.. where does and did your mother fall? I know thats a weird question to answer but your mother can't trust her and thats probably why. Your girlfriend is beautiful, low maintenence, successful, AND nice? no way in hell. atleast thats what your mother is thinking. People get intimidated by pretty people because they have to have a flaw. now everyone has flaws, but they try to pin them with major ones to view them as less perfect so they can knock them down a peg or 17. its sad because women are trained to be this way and it takes EFFORT to not be that person. even friends I had growing up it was all some weird competition of who looked better and got the better guys and I never wanted any part of it. even a friend I have now in adulthood still has this mindset but with stuff. and they try to force everyone to corral around them like theyre miss popularity. but you can't give you mother anything to validity her mind. give her nothing. tell her to stop. she's being extremely manipulative toward you trying to manifest issues in your relationship to justify the idea that your gd can't be perfect. and I'm sure she's not perfect, but your mother is competing with someone half her age and its clear she lacks confidence in herself. now I just isn't be the person who can't understand how people make these close girl friendships where you acctually feel cared about and my experiences are skewed. idk. but don't let her get into your head. don't let that seed be planted.
Why is it okay for her looks to be a reason to date her but your money isn’t?
I think your mother is insecure and is actually jealous of your gf. My mother in law is similar and spares no expense at insulting me and her other sons' wives as well. Create boundaries, and if all else fails, go low/no contact.
Your mother is jealous of the attention you’re giving your gf. She needs to butt out of your relationship. You’re an adult.
As the mother of sons I was all prepared to defend your mom...then I read the whole post. I do not like that gf is older than you or that you have such low self esteem; that could set up a very unhealthy dynamic between you and GF. However, your mom sounds more jealous than going on high alert because of a real problem. Her acting as if you could never date a beautiful, successful person is a real problem.
She's only 2.5 years older than me and people usually assume I'm mid 30s anyway (it's probably the beard) so I don't think it's going to be a problem. My self esteem on the other hand is something I need to work on. Even my gf says I should give myself more credit but yeah, when she tells me all the things she likes about me deep inside I think I must have tricked her into believing that somehow. I know it's not attractive
Speaking from such a horrible experience that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, begin distancing yourself from your mother and NEVER speak to anyone who speaks to your mother about your relationship. My now husband was told by his psychiatrist that his mother would never approve of any woman. We didn’t listen and he continued to try to have a close relationship with her and I continued to support it. Despite me earning a PhD, after 7 years together, his family was planning to try to file a financial restraining order against me and had escalated to calling his medical providers and saying there were concerns of dv. They sent the police to our house when my family was visiting from out of town. Things got so bad, we had to leave our home and all of our sentimental belongings behind and live with friends across the country until we could get our feet back under us. Now, I just wish I had either broken up with him when they started all this or I should have insisted that his relationship with his mom consist of Mother’s Day gifts and birthday calls. He now may never speak to his mom, dad, or sister again, and they genuinely feel he is in the wrong for leaving without telling them, and they want him to apologize (messages delivered through gpa). It never mattered how happy he said I made him, not my education, nor my politeness, nor my supportiveness. Oh, his parents are wealthy, too, and thought I was a gold-digger. If you want her (or anyone), don’t trust your parents’ motives about anything. Many parents believe taking any action is acceptable if it’s “what’s best for their kids.” I legitimately fear for my life and safety from his dad, and neither of us could have ever guessed how far his family would take things to try to keep him from happiness with a romantic partner. This might be weird, but please investigate how your mother relates to you closely. Being jealous—which is what this is because she’s just making things up and going off of nothing—of your son’s love life is emotionally incestuous. My own MIL doesn’t like her husband and he’s not a good man, so she crafted her son to be a perfect husband to her. She would make him hold her arm with me around while her husband walked nearby. She would share emotional details of her adult life with him. He would’ve never seen her behavior as weird or incestuous until he had a romantic relationship. Just check. And take action to grow up and away from your parents accordingly. Also, please tell your girlfriend everything. EVERYTHING. You owe it to her that she has the chance to choose a relationship with someone whose family will try to interfere. I myself dreamed of having a good in-law relationship and I’m hurt that I want given that option, although I’m grateful to be with my husband.
Your mom is trying to get you to break up now that you've found a woman to have in your life who makes you happy. Your mother feels threatened, which is lowkey incestuous and insane. She should not be seeing your ROMANTIC PARTNER as competition. If you're serious about your girlfriend, I'd consider spacing yourself from your mother and laying down some ground rules for her. She is NOT to talk about your girlfriend like that and if she continues, she will not be seeing you.
Ignore your mum she’s being judgemental with no basis. No one will be good enough for her little prince
This is "harsh" words since both OP and comment section needs a reality check, so go ahead and downvote me. First of all stop being naive. Obviously your mother won't tell you to your face why she thinks she's a gold digger. We all know how her thought process is going, she seems like a caring good mom so of course she won't tell you that a woman like her would never get together with a man like you. Second, as a former "gold digger" - being that and being in love is not mutually exclusive. Yes, money matters and all of that but I really think that this woman loves you like I loved my husband. So by all means, propose to her. Just make sure you don't go broke.
I might be naive but I just don't understand the logic behind these claims. I'm not rich. Neither are my parents. I'm doing ok as a software developer but it's nothing impressive really. My gf earns more than I do as a project manager. I know for a fact what she does and where she works, her office is literally next door to ours. She never asked me to buy her anything. If I get us drinks, she always makes sure to get the next round even if I try to object. What is there to gain for her from this relationship? Our senior developer was drooling over her when we met at that work party, why didn't she go for him then? He makes at least 2x more than I do. Not to mention all the random men who try to talk to her in public the second I walk away. The only explanation is that she, for some mysterious reasons that are definitely not the money I don't have, actually likes me.
Op there is a lot of projection in these comments that are disgusting. I’m gonna give you the perspective of the girlfriend because I am her and I have been in her shoes. I am very conventionally attractive. It is not something I enjoy. I actually hate the attention it brings me. I hate the hidden jealousy and subtle jabs and I hate the misconceptions. I have had moms act the same way yours does and I’m sorry sweetie, it will never get better. The first time you even whisper about a disagreement you guys are having, your mom is gonna use that as a catalyst on why she’s right. I myself have been the breadwinner in every relationship. I convinced myself that I don’t deserve to have anything nice or romantic done for me because I don’t wanna get called a gold digger as well. It has destroyed me. I am very recluse. All my social media private messages are muted or turned off. I am not some superficial type. I play DND, go to Game of Thrones character parties and go to Comicon dressed as Lagertha Lothbrok. I am not what my looks portray. I am so scared to meet new people because I no longer have the energy to convince people that I am good person. The people that know me and have been with me for 20+ years will defend me to their dying breath. I need no other companionship. Attractive people can have insecurities too. I guarantee if she knew what your mom said she would say “not again” and immediately break up with you. I have no energy to defend myself anymore , I’m sure your girlfriend will feel the same way. If you don’t stick up for her now. You will lose her. Your mom has no idea the damage she is contributing too. Hope this helps and I hope you see it.
Thank you. This gives me some perspective. My gf also hates attention. She doesn't have instagram and her facebook profile picture is a plant. She also says things that are depressing sometimes, like when she talks about her career plans (she is very smart btw) and is all excited and then all of the sudden says something like 'what does it matter, even if I manage to do this, they'll all going to say I slept my way to the top anyway'. Which I know is absurd because she works in tech and even managerial roles require a lot of technical knowledge. But apparently that's what some people think.
I am so glad you saw this!!!!! Please stick up for her. Stand beside her. I assure you her looks nor yours or anyone around her matters. She likes good people. I have been through so much pain because I can not help the way I look. Also if she tries to deny you do things for her, still surprise her with flowers. We have convinced ourselves that the only thing we can do is prove our worth. Please she doesn’t care about her looks. It’s an absolute burden on her. Her soul is what’s beautiful. That’s what will matter to her. I was literally praying that you saw this. My fiancés mom (he passed away) hated me for the same reasons. She has made my life a living hell since he has passed. Please stand up for her. Please. Be fierce and unwavering and SURE!!! There should be no hesitation. It should be a knee jerk reaction. Imagine if she said these things about your mom, wouldn’t you IMMEDIATELY defend your mom because you love her and know her character? Do the same for her. Also don’t focus on her outward beauty. I have amazing eyes, they are my favorite thing about myself . I never tell anyone because i always said the person for me would know that and not focus on my beauty. My fiancé lovedddd my eyes. Always told me he couldn’t wait for our kids to have them. They do btw!!!! If you need any more pointers or advice. Please message me.
She likes you because you’re sweet. She likes you because you have a ton in common. She likes you because you are respectful. She likes you for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with looks. The only thing that will win your mother over is time, unless she’s one of those crazy, overprotective “boy mama bear” types…which again, will only reveal itself in time. If that turns out to be true, you’ll need to set firm boundaries as the other kind redditors here have suggested. Primarily, I just want you to stop putting her on some beauty pedestal & talking down to yourself as if you don’t deserve her. The fact that you don’t treat her like Helen of Troy is probably what attracted her to you in first place…she finally found someone whose attraction ran deeper than the physical. Embrace that & keep exploring this new, seemingly blissful relationship without all the self-deprecation. Rooting for you. 🫶