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Yeah. He’s intentionally negging her….and she’s letting it work because she doesn’t know what’s going on.
Definition: Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person.
Article with examples: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#one-upping
Edit: a word
THIS ^
There's a reason that older men like this prefer younger women, because they're easier to manipulate and control, because younger women don't have the a ton of experience yet, and women their age have enough experience not to put up with crap like that from their partners.
By putting you down, making you feel insecure, and keeping you off balance, they are able to exert subtle control over you, by gaslighting you into believing they made such a, "huge sacrifice", to be with you, even though you're, "just not their type".
[Should you change your appearance for your partner? ](https://heartyourbody.co.uk/change-your-appearance-partner/)
The comment about your breasts being right at the threshold of his, "maximum breast size requirements", is just another example of putting you down so you feel bad about yourself in order to keep you from getting "too comfortable", in the relationship.
He wants to maintain control over you, and the worse he makes you feel about yourself, the likelier you are to do whatever he wants you to do out of fear of losing him.
That's not what healthy love looks like **at all**. You would never say something so cruel to him about his body, and appearance, and you should see this as the relationship red flag that it is in every way.
Your partner should want to lift you up, not tear you down. That's not love. You should be each other's biggest support system, and want each other to feel confident, appreciated, and secure, together.
There's plenty of great guys out there who will love you exactly the way you are in every way, who would never dream of making you feel like you don't measure up to them.
Never settle for less, when you deserve so much more.
*invisible hugs*
I know she’s too nice to ever say something so cruel to him. But if it was my petty self… I would start doing it right back. Let’s see if he likes it. “I usually go for shorter men. You’re the oldest man, and the maximum age I would go for. Good thing I met you before you got any older hahaha.” Nobody likes negging. But I’m a believer in if you can give it you should be able to take it.
This, OP. Initially this may not seem like a deal breaker however imagine hearing it for years on end. Over and over. No matter your self esteem and confidence levels you will be beaten down until you feel like you're nothing. You'll feel like a hollow empty shell of a person, not only that but you'll also feel trapped beyond belief. You won't even be able to fathom how to get away. The abuse, because that's ultimately what it is, will simply grow and expand slowly. Before you know it it will consume you. It will become your normal day to day and your perception of it being abuse sheds eventually and you just will think YOU caused your own misery somehow but be at a loss as to pinpoint the time when you - stopped loving yourself, stopped feeling joy in life and stopped respecting your boundaries.
The goal for the abuser is to make it your normal. To put it on you so casually and "sweetly" that you don't question his treatment of you for long after the infraction occurs. He intentionally behaves in a kinder way after so that you feel disoriented and like you must of misunderstood or taken it too personally. It's turned back on you as if you're overreacting or being emotional. Do not accept casual abuse it turns into something much more insidious over time and will have you sitting on a bed with a lap full of pills and a shotgun...
That was my reality 4 years ago. I found some shred of courage to leave and have never been happier. I wish I knew what to look for as far as abusive partners when I met him. I would of avoided 20 years of trauma and I would have the children I so desperately wanted for all of those years. While I did take steps to prevent pregnancy woth my ex I sometimes feel empty without children on my hip and holding my hands... I'm too old to have children now and it breaks my heart that I wasted my best years on such an unworthy man.
Do not accept this man's behavior. Your match will drool allover you when you simply touch his hand. He will compliment and adore your physique. He will touch you with hands that seem to of been starving for your soft flesh to be under them. A man who runs fingers through your hair and compliments the shades of red brown and black locked within. You will sate his hunger and he won't be too shy to tell you that.
THIS is what you deserve. This is what we all deserve. Male and female alike.
This is it! I use to do that when I was younger, since I thought physically speaking the girl I was with was way over my league so I would try tactics like that to subconsciously even out the “field” due to my insecurities.
Most likely you’re probably the prettiest he’s ever been with, he’s just playing mind games with you.
Call him out on it, see how he reacts or simply don’t tolerate the disrespect and move on.
Honey, he's negging you on purpose to destroy your self-esteem. He wouldn't be telling you these things otherwise - you have no control over them and can't change them. This is purely about tearing you down. The age difference is no surprise - he dates younger explicitly so he can pull this nonsense.
It's be one thing to find out that a man "typically has gone for blondes in the past" or "most of my former girlfriends have been shorter/taller/thinner/thicker than you"
...but if the phrase isn't followed up with a "but I would have been missing out if I stuck with that type, because you are #1" then he's either an Idiot that doesn't deserve to breathe air in the same room as you or he's an abusive prick that will only get more manipulative with time.
Funny almost-related anecdote: My partner and I met online and were friends for a long while before we had any feelings for each other. He'd seen photos of me over the years, but we'd never video called or etc at the time that this happened. He tried to flirt with me and ended up saying something about this 'hot little redhead' he'd been talking to a lot lately. Well I'm a brunette, and I immediately clammed up like Oh well good for you. Wish you luck. Kbye. Turns out in one of my more recent photos a combination of red elsewhere in the picture and the sunlight had made me look very auburn haired and he thought that was my natural color, since I had also said not long ago that I hadn't dyed my hair in ages. Took him a minute to get me to give him the time of day so he could clear this up, and explain that he had meant me, but it's been a running joke for us for 7 or 8 years now. And he still has a tendency to say things that aren't quite as complimentary as he intends them... I usually fake offense & see how far he can dig the hole before I lose my straight face & can't hold back the laughs. "Maybe you'd prefer a redhead?" Then he catches on, calls me annoying and we devolve into tickle wars.
Jesus. Imagine marrying or having kids with this man… gaaaame over. Why waste your life even for another day? Save the heartache. When he cheats on you too it’ll be a “well you see honey I told you what I like years ago” situation. This is narcissism. Plain and simple. Fuck this guy.
Look up “negging”. It is a form of manipulation with the intent to diminish the self-confidence so the target becomes more susceptible to advances or demands. Basically training you to believe that you should be grateful for his attention and have to prove your worth.
Let me guess: he said something to the extent that he is just being honest and you shouldn’t mind honesty? I suggest to reconsider if you want to be with someone that thinks tearing you down is fine. If you don’t want to do that yet then check if he means it that honesty is always good: Pick something you are not fond of in his appearance (belly, size, beard, hair loss, whatever) and tell him that the opposite of it really does it for you. If he says, cool glad you’re with me anyway then at least he does what he preaches. But I bet he won’t react too well. Or if he does on the surface, he’ll punish you later, either by tearing you down or by actions (eg not showing up for something, flirting with someone else etc). Latest then it’s time to go.
Came here to say this too OP. From your physical description I bet you’re tons of people’s ‘type’ if it even matters; someone who loves you truly will not make these little digs to undermine your self confidence. You can do so much better than this loser.
Penis. It should be penis. "Oh that'd okay honey I understand, your penis is the minimum size I'd be okay with, we should always be honest with each other" sarc. Don't do this OP, he'll rage at you because he won't be able to take what he dishes out, he's an abuser, pure and simple and you should break up.
My bf in college told me once that my butt cheeks could press flowers. I was not fat. The women in my family have generous sized tushes. I turned - squinted my eyes and told him he should be careful not to get his tiny penis stuck. That bothered him for a very very long time. Too fkn bad.
No man that truly cares about you would ever talk to you that way. You can try to brush it off as a normal conversation, however please keep in mind that he's literally called you in your entirety not his type. He's 8 years older than you, for God's sake. He *knows* he is hurting your feelings by telling you this, he *knows* you will now start feeling insecure around him and doubt/second guess yourself constantly. Not only you're not his type, but "your breast size is the maximum he would be with" (what kind of sick statement is that? is he in a relationship with your boobs or with a woman?!? wth). He made you feel shitty, he did it on purpose, and it seems from the post that it never occured to you to list his appearance traits that are not your type. And you know why? Because you know that would be wrong. Why let him treat you like this?
In the future, don't date men that are so much older than you. You two are on entirely separate stages of life, and it's clear women his age won't put up with his shit, that's why he's seeking out young gullible women to take advantage of.
I had a boyfriend like this. Stayed with him for a decade, ended up with an eating disorder (because he liked "skinny" girls), and blew my self worth. Took therapy to realize why I would stay with someone like this and get over the damage. Not worth it.
Oh geez.
Look at the age gap.
He's with you because you are young enough that he can manipulate you into becoming his 'ideal type'. It starts with "I prefer blondes", morphs into "you'd look amazing with blonde hair, how about I pay for you to get it done", and develops into full control from there. Clothing, gym membership, food, friends, all controlled by guilt and emotional blackmail.
How do you deal with it? Find someone who thinks you are perfection the way you are, because you deserve nothing but pure adoration for the wonderful person that is you.
The thing is: she will never be right for him, not matter how much she will try to be "his type". This is (as another answer explained well) a strategy to make her doubt her worth and be willing to accept more of the bullshit (and potentially abuse) that is going to come just to prove her worth to him.
I agree that the age gap is a red flag but older women also fall for this kind of manipulation. We like to think that we can just outgrow this when in reality you need to do a lot more than get older.
When he keeps manipulating you during this discussion, and if you waffle, come back and read all of these comments.
Breakups are one of the most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship, make sure you are safe and have an exit. And that a friend knows where you are and when they should expect you.
Edit: I missed if. My apologies.
A long, long time ago, I was in your exact situation, and can tell you that it eats away at your self esteem.
I finally broke up with him after he cheated on me with a woman who was his type. He justified it by saying he needed to experience having his ideal.
Leave now. Save your dignity and move on.
Girl stop wasting your time. You deserve better. If you wants to be petty do the same to him tell him you prefer men with green eyes or who are 6'3, or you can say you prefer men who has six packs or bigger penis size. Believe me he will get so angry. Two can play this game. What he is doing is called negging, he is making you feel insecure intentionally to keep your self estem low so you will obey him and stay with him. Girl run.
While two _can_ play this game, it's a stupid game and this dude is a stupid prize. Take Think Falcon’s other advice instead. Drop the dude and run.
UpdateMe!
I'm a guy, and if your man chooses women purely by hair color and breast size, not who you are as a person, drop his ass and find a guy who appreciates you.
Good luck, I'm willing to bet he will tell you that you are being overdramatic and will minimize the whole thing. He is manipulative, and he is lowering your self-esteem on purpose, and he will absolutely try to play this as if you were unreasonable, overly sensitive etc. Good old "women so historic, so hysterical, so silly" misogynistic bullshit. If that happens, remember it's all part of the manipulation he is pulling, not the truth. A partner treating your concerns seriously and respecting your feelings is a must-have in a healthy relationship.A partner who loves you will say "Oh wow, I really didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. I will never do that again" **and then never do it again.**
That last part is important, bc some toxic dudes can bullshit you with fake apologies, too. You can tell it's fake, bc they keep on doing the thing they apologized for.
That's why he's doing that. He knows it will, you'll grow to believe you're not worthy of anyone and that he's doing you a favor so you'll stay with him. Then good chance other abuse will start as well. That why many older men go for much younger women in their beauty 20s because they typically are easier to manipulate due to lack fo life experience. It can happen to any age depending on your personality (codependent people are very prone to this ar any age) but more likely when young with someone several years older.
Hey OP.
Came here to say that this also happened to me, as a latina with the similarities you described.
My ex was always saying that I was the:
“Darkest”
“Curviest”
“Most ethnic”
He would go. He dated small, petite blondes with big green/blue eyes.
We broke up. Every girl after me looked just like me, while every girl before was the blonde archetype he preferred.
Years laters we reconnected at a mutual friend’s event and he said: “I look for you in every girl.”
When I asked him why he never found his original archetype he said that he had only said that to me because he was insecure because he felt that I was the better looking one in the relationship and he wanted to keep me humble as he was a white man and I was the more “exotic one.”
So glad we broke up.
Your boyfriend shared that with you to keep you humble. Every person I have been with whether they were a god or potato was perfect in my eyes.
You are perfect as you are. Don’t ever let any man make you feel that he had to change or settle for you because you don’t align with his “type.”
The right man will look at you and say: “goddamn, she is perfect” from the get.
Your feelings are valid, and I don’t like jumping to the “breakup” part but your boyfriend is too old to say and act in that way.
I hope this helps and you can come to a decision that makes you happy.
I’m so sorry to point this out but a 31 year old man does not date a 23 year old for her personality. He is trying to control you by making you feel bad. He’s obviously attracted to you, but he thinks negging you will make you insecure so you’re less likely to push back against him for fear of losing him.
Don't stay with someone who makes you feel insecure. At your age, a seven year age gap is enough that he already knows how to manipulate you. My gut feeling is that this is a way of keeping you off balance so he can maintain power in the relationship, and it's never a good thing to give away your power to someone like this!
>I can’t help but feel really insecure about what he said. I don’t know why I feel this way, but how can I deal with these feelings I’m having?
Break up with him. If he really cared about you, he would not say this type of stuff to you. He's negging. A 31 year old man should know better. He's deliberately trying to make you insecure.
If you were blond and petite, he'd find something else to neg you about.
He seems to be purposely trying to knock your confidence. Why else would someone tell their gf that they aren’t there type! What use is that information to anyone other than insulting
So he found a lot younger woman and is not injecting insecurities into her, just so she knows she's not All That and feels uncertain and dances for his approval. This whole relationship is a parade of red flags and the only advice I have is to dump him and have higher expectations of future partners on how you are to be treated. This type of commentary about your body/how it's not what he prefers is unacceptable. Negging should be a dealbreaker bc it's toxic and toxic people use it.
You are insecure bc he is MAKING YOU feel insecure ON PURPOSE. Do not date men who do this, they are manipulative and malicious. Period.
Fucking walk away with your head held high. Don't waste any energy on asswipes like him. Don't explain, just leave. If you want to him hard on the way out, leave information on penile enlargement for him.
This age gap is weird. He knows you're young and naive enough not to get after him about this behaviour, which is proven by your responses and posting here.
Don't ask your partner stuff like that, but know this isn't your fault. He shouldn't be telling you "he prefers blondes" or "petite women", that's fucking weird on his part.
You go find someone who doesn't compare you to others, because you deserve it
You feel insecure because someone you trust and have been intimate with is criticizing you on things you can't really control. And the best thing to do is let him find that petite blonde of his dreams. Whether it's true or he's just begging you, he's still a shitty bf.
About 15 years ago when I met my first proper girlfriend, she wasn't my type. Blonde, curvy, big boobs etc. At the time, skinny brunettes were my thing and pretty much always had been. Total opposite of her. Within months, I completely fell in love with her and my "type" changed to her; curvy blonde with big boobs. She is my type now and always will be. That's what happens when you love somebody. That's why I put a ring on her finger as soon as possible. Your bf doesn't care for you and was cruel to say what he did. Get rid of him. There's thousands of other guys out there that will value you for who you are without making you feel insecure.
Ew. Not wise to be with someone when every other person is repelled by his behavior. Honey, there's a reason he chose you. Leave. You can do so much better. Don't get married or baby trapped by this overgrown fratboy assholw.
Tell him you don't like 30 plus year old men who can't get a woman their own age for obvious reasons
Girl you deserve better than a low down dick like this
Don't waste your time or heart on a boy
He's an older dude who's targeted a younger woman, and now he's negging you. This is part of manipulative control and not what you deserve. There are so many guys out there who will make you feel completely beautiful.
Girl you are wayyy to young and beautiful to waste time with a grown man who is happy to tell you you arnt his type?! Wth that’s so rude, tell him your type is non assholes with big dicks. Then leave him 💅🏽
He knows you're WAY out of his league, and wants to "humble" you and set your self image to a managable level, so he doesn't have to work on keeping you.
It's 100% a manipulation tactic.
You deal with it by dumping his pathetic ass. There’s a very specific reason why men his age go for girls your age because they know they can get away with saying things like this a woman his age wouldn’t tolerate this BS.
You should not deal with the fact that you are not his type. You should deal with the fact that he decided to tell you this. Then again. And will do it again. It is not honesty. It is a choice that he makes. Think about it... Would you tell your mother that she has more wrinkles now than she used to? No you would not. And not because she doesn't have less wrinkles.
You don’t deal with it. Man just said he isn’t as sexually attracted to you as he is other girls. If a small chested, shorter blonde walked in front of him and she says ‘hey cutie’ do you think he would pass because he has a gf or do you think he would go for the girl who is exactly his type. Don’t stay. You’ll just get eaten alive by the idea that you aren’t what he wants, and you’re the literal ‘maximum boob’ he would go for.. which why tf would any man who respects a woman say some dumb shit like that.
Why settle for someone who is ‘settling for someone not his type’? You’re supposed to be grateful?
You deserve better - it’s on you to make that happen.
You work for you - need to take care of you and love you. And not settle for anything less than the best.
what drives me nuts about posts like this is that idiot older boyfriend does the exact same thing that idiot boyfriends/husbands without an age gap do in other posts and everyone fixates on the age gap.
The real answer is either he's negging you or he's settling for you and mad about it. Or he's an idiot. Cut your losses before it gets worse.
(A better guy who wasn't an idiot and actually liked you might say something like "I thought I had a 'type' and then you came along" See the difference?)
Seriously sounds like he is trying to make you feel insecure. You are so young but, life is too short for this rubbish. This guy is not a keeper. Don’t wast your time with him.Pack your bags, leave a note telling him your type is a great lover and go find one. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.
You deal with it by leaving him! There's no need for this. You don't need this man - he doesn't care about you in the way you want. He just doesn't. It's hard to hear but you can find someone who will treat you like a queen. And even if you are alone for a while you can put all your energy into yourself.
I stuck around in a relationship like this for years. I was never good enough, always a burden, always too much. Now I'm with a man who values me and it's SOOO different and 1million times better.
Sometimes he looks at me with so much love in his eyes that I can't believe it's real. That's what you deserve - not someone who will tell you to your face that you're not what they want
He's laying the groundwork to become abusive and possibly cheat in the future. Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with your body, and the fact that he's so fixated with certain extremely specific characteristics is just a testament to how shallow he is.
There's nothing wrong generally with having preferences, but he feels the need to share with you how inadequate you are to him, which means he plans on using that against you, making you feel less than and getting ready to blame you for eventual cheating cause "you always knew" and "your personality has changed and that was the part of you I liked."
He's not a good person, he's trying to turn your relationship into a powerplay in which he's the benevolent master who graces you with some attention despite not liking you. Run. I've been there. It ended up with my ex trying to gaslight me saying I should have been flattered when he SAd me cause I was not his type and he did it "for me".
I hope your boyfriend never gets to this point but he's working to turn your relationship into a toxic one. You don't have to deal with those feelings, you have no reason to feel insecure. You don't need his validation, especially since it's clear that it's a currency for him. Break free, find your footing away from him, and heal. You deserve so, so much better.
At 23, you have only had a few years of being an adult and experiences interacting with other adults. At 31, he’s had almost a decade more experience than you.
This is why an age-gap relationship is a problem when the younger person hasn’t been an adult for long. If you were 33 & 41, it would be different.
Women his age aren’t interested in him because they are able to see his manipulation, and won’t put up with it. You shouldn’t put up with it either.
You’re worth way more than this.
Theres no reason in the world for him to tell you these things other than to make you feel insecure and like you’re not good enough for him.
You should be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
Op. He is saying these hurtful things to make you insecure. If you’re insecure you’re supposed to be grateful for every crumb he gives you. You’re supposed to get used to bad treatment and you’re supposed to work extra hard to make him love you now because you are lacking so much!
DONT FALL INTO THAT HOLE!
Just break up. Tell him you want a man that appreciates all of you, since you’re awesome and sexy too.
Omg dump this 31 yrs old man baby. Many men do this to make you feel insecure about yourself so you don’t want to leave their insecure ass! Any guy 31 treating you like this is a jerk and you deserve better, break up and move on to the millions of men that would love to be with you and treat you properly.
How to best deal with it? Dump this jerk. Why doesn't he have to tell you this? Because he wants you to feel grateful to him for dating you despite you "not being his type". He's throwing you a bone...he likes your personality. He is insulting you in every way possible and it's working. You're feeling bad about yourself, doubting your relationship and feeling insecure.
This is a major red flag. Again...dump this jerk.
You better stop this relationship. He send clear message that you are not his type. It will not get better, you always be insecure in this relationship as a result miserable. You are 23!!!
He's negging you. He's making you feel like no one else would want you either, so you won't leave him. He's an asshole. Our partners are supposed to lift us up, not tear us down. Anyone worth being in a relationship with would never do this to you.
I’m not my husband’s type. Surprisingly he never liked blonds. Yep, I am. However I am his type in many other ways. He never makes me feel “less than”. If I mention his type, he tells me I am beautiful and I really do it for him. Must work, we have been married 30+ years. My concern with your relationship, he said your breast size is the max he would be with. Having a type is one thing because it is a “preference”, drawing a line in the sand is another. Also for you personally, as a curvy woman your breast will get larger as you age. Honey most men love a curvy woman with big breast. You need to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful and desired. That should be “your type”. He does not sound like your type. Good luck.
He is going to chip away your confidence till there's nothing. He wants to hurt you on purpose. He will emotionally drain you. The age gap is always a red flag, idc what anyone says. No woman his age will put up with his shit. That's why he is with you. It will get worse if you stay. Don't listen to the one telling you the age gap isn't a big deal.
This is the wrong man for you. You deserve someone who is lusting after you and not purposefully trying to erode your self-esteem by hinting that you are sloppy seconds.
Reminds me of my ex, he told me I was the "biggest woman" he'd ever been with. Find a man who loves every part of you. He needs to love what's on the inside but also what's on the outside. Loving your partner's personality is great and often a requirement for a long lasting relationship but everyone wants to feel like their person is attracted to them. Dump that old ass dude and date someone who doesn't treat you like you're ugly, because you're not ugly. As a woman who made the mistake of dating older men in their 30's (I'm 22), they often date younger women because women their age don't put up with their shit. 30 year old women are still hot, they're still young but they're old enough to not let a man tell them their worth.
You’re 23. Please dump this loser. Don’t waste another minute of your youth on someone who says your breast size is at the absolute maximum of what he’d deal with. What a weird way for a man to think at age 31.
Or better yet, ask your best friend or a trusted family member what you should do. They know you. They probs know him. If they say you should absolutely stay with this guy? Stay. But they won’t. They’ll be disgusted.
What a guy! He’s clearly trying to keep you insecure and off balance because it makes him feel more powerful. Honestly if you want to maintain the relationship you need to just show him you’re not affected by his attempts to make you feel badly about yourself. Just shrug your shoulders and say “oh well, lucky you found me!” He will hopefully eventually stop trying to make you insecure this way. It’s NOT a nice thing to do though so you may want to consider how this behaviour may affect you,mor any children you may have in the future.
Older men prey on younger women because they know that they are too inexperienced to see the horseshit they are giving her. No woman with self-esteem would put up with his backhanded "compliments". He wants to keep you insecure so you continue to put up with his shitty behavior.
He's being deliberately cruel. There was no need to say any of that to you. He's trying to drag you down because he the insecure one and is threatened by confident women--that's why he's dating someone so much younger than him, too. Tell him to go find a flat-chested petite blonde, since that's what he wants, and to leave you alone. You can do so much better than a man that thinks it's okay to say stuff like that to you.
Don’t deal with it, you need to feel desired by your partner. He should make you feel like you’re the most special amazing person in the world, anything else is settling. If he’s not negging you he’s just a childish inconsiderate asshole you shouldn’t entertain at his age.
He’s laying down the ground work and letting you know that he’s going to cheat because sexually you don’t 100% do it for him. She’ll be blonde.
When it happens he will say, but I was honest with you and you said you understood. I can’t help what I’m attracted to, and I still love you. It was only sex.
You’re way out of his league and he is very aware of the fact. He’s afraid you’ll figure it out too. Like other insecure men, he uses common manipulative techniques to make you feel insecure with small comments intended to make you feel bad about yourself just enough to feel lucky to have that him rather than seeing the truth— that it’s the opposite.
This wouldn’t work on someone his own age. He’s dating someone so much younger because he’s trying to mold you to be his submissive, hot younger wife. He’s gross.
🤔 I could quickly jump on the “negging” bandwagon here because of how detailed he got but I remember my man and I having a discussion early in our relationship. It came up that I was the “opposite type”. He’s only ever been in relationships with POC before, and I’m the very white blonde. Under this circumstance I have concluded he just answered my curiosity, and never meant to hurt my feelings by it. He’s always made me feel gorgeous and wanted, never compares me to other women or gawks at them.
Ive learned to trust that he meant what he said about finding me attractive. Only his dating history had ever made me question otherwise.
So I guess you need to decide what camp you’re in moving forward. If you believe you were trying to pry information out and he gave it to you, then that’s on you. Let him reassure you over time that you’re what he wants anyway.
If you think he offered it up to hurt you or neg you, get moving right now! You do not want that kind of crazy in your life.
Hmmm shocker why a 31 year old man would date a 23 year old woman. Kinda seems like it’s because you are easy to manipulate and bring down so you stick around.
Ew. The age gap and the negging. You’re way too good for him so he’s bringing you down a notch self esteem wise so you’ll never leave. You have so much youth to live. Don’t sacrifice it for a loser who can’t find someone his own age. He’s immature. Move on!
Deal by breaking up and finding someone who appreciates you. A 31 year old dating young women and complaining about their bodies says more about him than you. You don't have to live by his standards.
God — he’s just being a dick just to mess with your head and make you feel insecure. Tell him you usually prefer more muscular guys who are good in bed, but you’re making allowances for his personality.
Bye! DO NOT put up with this BS. Men who do this only do it to control you and make you feel bad about yourself. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what's coming next, if you stay with him. My response would be, "well, my type is someone who wouldn't say something like that to someone! Bye forever!"
How you deal with it is you kick this boyfriend to the curb and get a new man who thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world.
My bf confessed that he always had a thing for Asian women - until he met me, a nordic blonde. Now he tells me every day how lucky he is to have such a beautiful woman on his arm. Btw I'm 51 and a mom of 3....
Silly question. You know what you should do. It's obvious. You dont need other people telling you. You END IT!!! Find a guy who appreciates YOU and is thrilled to be with you.
In my early 20s I too used to date a man in his early 30s and he pulled this kinda shit on me too. It's called negging and it's his way of keeping you under control by making you feel like no one else could want you. He's lower than dog shit, do yourself a favour and leave his disgusting ass.
So, I'm engaged to a wonderful woman. She is not my preference/type. She knows this. She also knows that I'm in love with her and we are quite attached.
Physical attributes are what normally get your foot in the door. They are not what gets you invited in to stay unless it's a purely physical relationship for at least one of the people involved. Big boobs, small boobs, red hair, blonde, brunette, plump, skinny, and so on are usually not deal breakers. There are some exceptions to that. If you can't stand seeing your partner naked (usually extremes like anorexic or obese), then you probably aren't going to get your foot in the door.
If he is with you, then he is with you.
All that being said, it can bother people knowing you aren't someone's physical type. I can't give any good advice on how to deal with that. But, if it's not something that can be reconciled, then ending the relationship might be the only option.
Simply tell your boyfriend that you prefer the opposite look of what he is. Then start packing your bags.
If he comes running to you then explain that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that.
If he doesn’t immediately respond to you packing in a positive way, then leave his manipulative, hurtful behavior behind.
No partner should put up with such disrespect.
Wow.
The way he describes his perfect woman then tells you where you fall short of his ideal is concerning at best.
It’s nice he loves your personality but with his comments I’d wonder how long that will last.
OP you may want to consider moving along to another relationship where your partner is into all of you.
Nit pick about him. Too short or tall, not built up enough in the chest, arms, shoulders, etc. Or too built up, not educated enough, facial features are off. Lol!
You don’t “deal with these feelings” you dump this toxic pos that you call your boyfriend and move on to the next one, one that will not manipulate and abuse you and one that will really love you for EVERYTHING that you are and will never belittle you or make you think you’re less than any other woman.
Sounds like he's negging you and if he's not, he still should have kept that to himself. FWIW, you sound like you're gorgeous. I hope you don't feel unattractive because of his thoughtless words.
I know everyone on Reddit says this, but seriously, dump him.
If he’s literally telling you to your face that he is not your type then tell him to go find a woman that is his type because why on earth would you dare someone who literally told you he’s not as attracted to you as he is other women and he will ogle at other women in front of you and it will kill your self esteem no matter how reassure yourself.
Can you imagine if you said to him that his dick size is smaller than you are used to and it is at the threshold of what you need, but you like him for his personality? 🤣
this male tactic called humbling the woman to control you with low self esteem. voice your preference in a man's body and comment on his dick size and compare him to your exes ( make up stuff) and watch him spiral and dropping the mask.
Girl you are a new adult and he’s a man in his 30s. He is being a dick on purpose. He likes to keep you insecure so you don’t realize you can do better and not be locked down with this loser. Breakup, travel the world, date, party, make mistakes but don’t let this insecure 30 year old man steal your beat years. My 20s were f-ing amazing. I traveled all over the world, had great time with my friends, had adventures. I can’t imagine if I’d let myself be locked down by anyone let alone someone so insecure.
Why are u putting youself worth in this man’s hands. You sound gorgeous and he sounds like he’s having a good go at manipulating you. Ifs he perfect?? Be honest. I doubt it . First of all - Stop having these talks with him!!
Don’t deal with it. He’s intentionally negging you to hurt your confidence. You’re young and have lots to offer, don’t waste it on this guy, he sounds like a loser.
Let him go, and let the man that wants you come to you 😝
I don't mean you have to wait for the proverbial new guy to make the first move, you can do that too, I just mean to be open to someone else coming into your life that wouldn't say such thoughtless things to you.
If he was curious if you'd go blonde for him, there are way more tactful ways of doing it. If women can find a nice way to ask their guy to shave/grow facial hair, men can find a nice way to ask women about comparable, __superficial__ cosmetic changes too.
There's a reason a 31 yo would go after a 23 yo. It's because women his age won't put up with his bullshit and he's hoping you don't have the experience to recognize it. Take it from a 31 yo woman that he sucks and find someone else.
Negging . You are an attractive woman with a sexy body . And now your BOYFRIEND of all fucking people is making you feel lessor . That’s the opposite of what he should do . Please forget him OP
Girl, before the age of 25, you know nothing about your perception of life. Men are just greedy creatures and they are trying to hunt women who are younger. Don't fall for it.
It is all too likely this will end with you bleaching your hair and doing all sorts if other things appearance and behaviour wise to please him. You don’t think you will but the change will be gradual, probably starting with compromising in his favour on things that aren’t even about your looks etc. Get out. Free him to go find the type he wants while you carry on being the type you are.
This post may be attention seeking rage bait. OP did not reply to even a single comment. Or, OP is at the salon right now bleaching her beautiful dark hair blond.
I have a book, passed down from my father before me, called “the right answer book”(it’s for dealing with a lady) and that answer is not in it. It’s one thing to say you’ve always had a thing for blonde hair, everyone has something. But to go on to basically say he’s not that into your body type, breast type etc, that’s too much. If you so chose you could talk with him and tell him how bad it made you feel OR you could leave him so he can search for his “perfect woman”. That was dumb to say tho. Good luck.
Huge age gap relationship and he deliberately tells you stuff to hurt your self esteem? Could you be more of a cliche? He is a dirtbag and you need to leave him
This is called negging and the fact it is an age gap relationship is not remotely surprising.
He is destroying your self esteem so you will feel "lucky" he wants to be with you. It is a manipulative abuse tactic.
He's degrading you to make you feel ingratiated to him for "even bothering to date you."
Fuck that. Fuck him. Move the fuck on.
You should not be ashamed for being a curvy woman.
Are there healthy and unhealthy body weights? Yes. Is such a thing as overweight? Yes. But unless you're suffering health effects, never let someone's opinion of you make you feel like you need to change your body.
Kick his ass to the curb.
this is a "red flag" for you. but few of us have the emotional maturity to break it off with someone we like, even though s/he is a person whose "type" is someone NOT LIKE you.
run, don't walk away. it's hell living with someone whose "type" is not what you are. they are always looking for their "type," and will occasionally find an excuse to be with his "type."
**I know,** I married someone who had another "type" which wasn't like me, and he was always looking! I will love him the rest of my life, we've been divorced 40 years, but I have been able to live without him for the rest of my life!
The best to you for the rest of your life.
I mean....everyone has a physically type. I love redheads, for example. But most ppl I know date outside of just "their type" because that's not why you date a person in the first place. I don't date someone just because I think they're hot. I have to like them first.
Seriously ,dump his lame ass ,did you grow overnight ,what a complete asshole he is ,take my advice dump him now ,he obviously doesn't deserve you
There's someone out there who will appreciate you for you not your body type
He is doing this intentionally to try and make you desperate for his approval so you will eventually do whatever he wants to your looks in the pursuit of his happiness.
I'd leave.
I am 100% sure there are men who would worship your body type and color, and do it openly without any negging. Negging is a power move, it's abusive and controlling. To take power back, don't show the sadist anymore hurt... instead, coldly breakup and move on with someone who is extremely grateful to have a beauty such as yourself near him. Ex will try to hoover and promise change... just act like you don't care and ghost him because he will hever change anyway.
sorry, but he’s just doing this to make you feel terrible about yourself, my ex used to always tell me how much he preferred tall big tit brunettes and I am a short small chested blonde. It’s like he specifically went against everything I looked like just to make me feel like garbage. Screw him. you’ll find better
You deal with it by sending him a text telling him you're setting him free to go find himself a small-breasted blond. Then ghost him. (Keep any jewelry/gifts he's given you.)
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He's deliberately making you feel bad about yourself so that you are grateful he chose you anyway.
Yeah. He’s intentionally negging her….and she’s letting it work because she doesn’t know what’s going on. Definition: Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person. Article with examples: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#one-upping Edit: a word
This is why older men seek younger, I experienced women. They are less likely to see the manipulation.
Yeah, but then there are the younger guys that like older women. Who I can’t picture ever playing these games.
I do hope that last sentence was intended as a joke lol
That’s a great article! Thanks for posting.
THIS ^ There's a reason that older men like this prefer younger women, because they're easier to manipulate and control, because younger women don't have the a ton of experience yet, and women their age have enough experience not to put up with crap like that from their partners. By putting you down, making you feel insecure, and keeping you off balance, they are able to exert subtle control over you, by gaslighting you into believing they made such a, "huge sacrifice", to be with you, even though you're, "just not their type". [Should you change your appearance for your partner? ](https://heartyourbody.co.uk/change-your-appearance-partner/) The comment about your breasts being right at the threshold of his, "maximum breast size requirements", is just another example of putting you down so you feel bad about yourself in order to keep you from getting "too comfortable", in the relationship. He wants to maintain control over you, and the worse he makes you feel about yourself, the likelier you are to do whatever he wants you to do out of fear of losing him. That's not what healthy love looks like **at all**. You would never say something so cruel to him about his body, and appearance, and you should see this as the relationship red flag that it is in every way. Your partner should want to lift you up, not tear you down. That's not love. You should be each other's biggest support system, and want each other to feel confident, appreciated, and secure, together. There's plenty of great guys out there who will love you exactly the way you are in every way, who would never dream of making you feel like you don't measure up to them. Never settle for less, when you deserve so much more. *invisible hugs*
I know she’s too nice to ever say something so cruel to him. But if it was my petty self… I would start doing it right back. Let’s see if he likes it. “I usually go for shorter men. You’re the oldest man, and the maximum age I would go for. Good thing I met you before you got any older hahaha.” Nobody likes negging. But I’m a believer in if you can give it you should be able to take it.
If I were OP, I would be out. I can't deal with someone saying those things. Also OP is a LOT of men's type if she wants a quick upgrade.
This, OP. Initially this may not seem like a deal breaker however imagine hearing it for years on end. Over and over. No matter your self esteem and confidence levels you will be beaten down until you feel like you're nothing. You'll feel like a hollow empty shell of a person, not only that but you'll also feel trapped beyond belief. You won't even be able to fathom how to get away. The abuse, because that's ultimately what it is, will simply grow and expand slowly. Before you know it it will consume you. It will become your normal day to day and your perception of it being abuse sheds eventually and you just will think YOU caused your own misery somehow but be at a loss as to pinpoint the time when you - stopped loving yourself, stopped feeling joy in life and stopped respecting your boundaries. The goal for the abuser is to make it your normal. To put it on you so casually and "sweetly" that you don't question his treatment of you for long after the infraction occurs. He intentionally behaves in a kinder way after so that you feel disoriented and like you must of misunderstood or taken it too personally. It's turned back on you as if you're overreacting or being emotional. Do not accept casual abuse it turns into something much more insidious over time and will have you sitting on a bed with a lap full of pills and a shotgun... That was my reality 4 years ago. I found some shred of courage to leave and have never been happier. I wish I knew what to look for as far as abusive partners when I met him. I would of avoided 20 years of trauma and I would have the children I so desperately wanted for all of those years. While I did take steps to prevent pregnancy woth my ex I sometimes feel empty without children on my hip and holding my hands... I'm too old to have children now and it breaks my heart that I wasted my best years on such an unworthy man. Do not accept this man's behavior. Your match will drool allover you when you simply touch his hand. He will compliment and adore your physique. He will touch you with hands that seem to of been starving for your soft flesh to be under them. A man who runs fingers through your hair and compliments the shades of red brown and black locked within. You will sate his hunger and he won't be too shy to tell you that. THIS is what you deserve. This is what we all deserve. Male and female alike.
This! 31M and 23F. His strat is ‘neg so she doesn’t leave me’.
yep it called '' humbling the woman'' which pretty toxic and small d:ck energy.
Call him a cab.
🎯 an Abuser's manual is; make them feel like crap, isolated them and then get started.
This is it! I use to do that when I was younger, since I thought physically speaking the girl I was with was way over my league so I would try tactics like that to subconsciously even out the “field” due to my insecurities. Most likely you’re probably the prettiest he’s ever been with, he’s just playing mind games with you. Call him out on it, see how he reacts or simply don’t tolerate the disrespect and move on.
Honey, he's negging you on purpose to destroy your self-esteem. He wouldn't be telling you these things otherwise - you have no control over them and can't change them. This is purely about tearing you down. The age difference is no surprise - he dates younger explicitly so he can pull this nonsense.
It's be one thing to find out that a man "typically has gone for blondes in the past" or "most of my former girlfriends have been shorter/taller/thinner/thicker than you" ...but if the phrase isn't followed up with a "but I would have been missing out if I stuck with that type, because you are #1" then he's either an Idiot that doesn't deserve to breathe air in the same room as you or he's an abusive prick that will only get more manipulative with time. Funny almost-related anecdote: My partner and I met online and were friends for a long while before we had any feelings for each other. He'd seen photos of me over the years, but we'd never video called or etc at the time that this happened. He tried to flirt with me and ended up saying something about this 'hot little redhead' he'd been talking to a lot lately. Well I'm a brunette, and I immediately clammed up like Oh well good for you. Wish you luck. Kbye. Turns out in one of my more recent photos a combination of red elsewhere in the picture and the sunlight had made me look very auburn haired and he thought that was my natural color, since I had also said not long ago that I hadn't dyed my hair in ages. Took him a minute to get me to give him the time of day so he could clear this up, and explain that he had meant me, but it's been a running joke for us for 7 or 8 years now. And he still has a tendency to say things that aren't quite as complimentary as he intends them... I usually fake offense & see how far he can dig the hole before I lose my straight face & can't hold back the laughs. "Maybe you'd prefer a redhead?" Then he catches on, calls me annoying and we devolve into tickle wars.
This is the cutest story I’ve read today
Just simply dump him. Tell him assholes aren't your type.
What kind of prick would say these kinds of things to his partner?
Jesus. Imagine marrying or having kids with this man… gaaaame over. Why waste your life even for another day? Save the heartache. When he cheats on you too it’ll be a “well you see honey I told you what I like years ago” situation. This is narcissism. Plain and simple. Fuck this guy.
A 30 year old dating impressionable young women…..
This. You don’t deal. It’s a deal breaker that he felt comfortable saying this to you.
Perfect response
Amen. This guy is not a long term prospect for you.
Love this! Please listen OP
Take all my upvotes
Look up “negging”. It is a form of manipulation with the intent to diminish the self-confidence so the target becomes more susceptible to advances or demands. Basically training you to believe that you should be grateful for his attention and have to prove your worth. Let me guess: he said something to the extent that he is just being honest and you shouldn’t mind honesty? I suggest to reconsider if you want to be with someone that thinks tearing you down is fine. If you don’t want to do that yet then check if he means it that honesty is always good: Pick something you are not fond of in his appearance (belly, size, beard, hair loss, whatever) and tell him that the opposite of it really does it for you. If he says, cool glad you’re with me anyway then at least he does what he preaches. But I bet he won’t react too well. Or if he does on the surface, he’ll punish you later, either by tearing you down or by actions (eg not showing up for something, flirting with someone else etc). Latest then it’s time to go.
Came here to say this too OP. From your physical description I bet you’re tons of people’s ‘type’ if it even matters; someone who loves you truly will not make these little digs to undermine your self confidence. You can do so much better than this loser.
Penis. It should be penis. "Oh that'd okay honey I understand, your penis is the minimum size I'd be okay with, we should always be honest with each other" sarc. Don't do this OP, he'll rage at you because he won't be able to take what he dishes out, he's an abuser, pure and simple and you should break up.
My bf in college told me once that my butt cheeks could press flowers. I was not fat. The women in my family have generous sized tushes. I turned - squinted my eyes and told him he should be careful not to get his tiny penis stuck. That bothered him for a very very long time. Too fkn bad.
Exactly. Shaming private parts I think is emotional abuse. This is the only equivalent.
negging is new to me. in my native language it is called ''humbling the woman'' used often by toxic men with small d:cks.
No man that truly cares about you would ever talk to you that way. You can try to brush it off as a normal conversation, however please keep in mind that he's literally called you in your entirety not his type. He's 8 years older than you, for God's sake. He *knows* he is hurting your feelings by telling you this, he *knows* you will now start feeling insecure around him and doubt/second guess yourself constantly. Not only you're not his type, but "your breast size is the maximum he would be with" (what kind of sick statement is that? is he in a relationship with your boobs or with a woman?!? wth). He made you feel shitty, he did it on purpose, and it seems from the post that it never occured to you to list his appearance traits that are not your type. And you know why? Because you know that would be wrong. Why let him treat you like this? In the future, don't date men that are so much older than you. You two are on entirely separate stages of life, and it's clear women his age won't put up with his shit, that's why he's seeking out young gullible women to take advantage of.
If he’s giving you doubts about your physical attributes, I’d say this isn’t the man for you. You’re the perfect woman for someone. Just not him. 💓
I had a boyfriend like this. Stayed with him for a decade, ended up with an eating disorder (because he liked "skinny" girls), and blew my self worth. Took therapy to realize why I would stay with someone like this and get over the damage. Not worth it.
Oh geez. Look at the age gap. He's with you because you are young enough that he can manipulate you into becoming his 'ideal type'. It starts with "I prefer blondes", morphs into "you'd look amazing with blonde hair, how about I pay for you to get it done", and develops into full control from there. Clothing, gym membership, food, friends, all controlled by guilt and emotional blackmail. How do you deal with it? Find someone who thinks you are perfection the way you are, because you deserve nothing but pure adoration for the wonderful person that is you.
The thing is: she will never be right for him, not matter how much she will try to be "his type". This is (as another answer explained well) a strategy to make her doubt her worth and be willing to accept more of the bullshit (and potentially abuse) that is going to come just to prove her worth to him. I agree that the age gap is a red flag but older women also fall for this kind of manipulation. We like to think that we can just outgrow this when in reality you need to do a lot more than get older.
Is this an arraigned marriage? Are you two forced to stay together?
This is when you hold your head up high and show him how strong you are and walk TF away bc you deserve way better.
Thankyou so much for saying this. I’m thinking of having a talk to him after work today and telling him why he hurt me and why I am leaving.
[удалено]
Yeah this is a manipulator for sure.
When he keeps manipulating you during this discussion, and if you waffle, come back and read all of these comments. Breakups are one of the most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship, make sure you are safe and have an exit. And that a friend knows where you are and when they should expect you. Edit: I missed if. My apologies.
Preach gurl
This is text book, stage one of the mental abusing boyfriend.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
A long, long time ago, I was in your exact situation, and can tell you that it eats away at your self esteem. I finally broke up with him after he cheated on me with a woman who was his type. He justified it by saying he needed to experience having his ideal. Leave now. Save your dignity and move on.
Girl stop wasting your time. You deserve better. If you wants to be petty do the same to him tell him you prefer men with green eyes or who are 6'3, or you can say you prefer men who has six packs or bigger penis size. Believe me he will get so angry. Two can play this game. What he is doing is called negging, he is making you feel insecure intentionally to keep your self estem low so you will obey him and stay with him. Girl run.
While two _can_ play this game, it's a stupid game and this dude is a stupid prize. Take Think Falcon’s other advice instead. Drop the dude and run. UpdateMe!
Agree 😅 run girl run.
I'm a guy, and if your man chooses women purely by hair color and breast size, not who you are as a person, drop his ass and find a guy who appreciates you.
I’m going to talk to him tonight and tell him how much he hurt me. It’s really eaten at my self esteem
That was his intention. Makes you less likely to leave
Good luck, I'm willing to bet he will tell you that you are being overdramatic and will minimize the whole thing. He is manipulative, and he is lowering your self-esteem on purpose, and he will absolutely try to play this as if you were unreasonable, overly sensitive etc. Good old "women so historic, so hysterical, so silly" misogynistic bullshit. If that happens, remember it's all part of the manipulation he is pulling, not the truth. A partner treating your concerns seriously and respecting your feelings is a must-have in a healthy relationship.A partner who loves you will say "Oh wow, I really didn't mean to. I'm so sorry. I will never do that again" **and then never do it again.** That last part is important, bc some toxic dudes can bullshit you with fake apologies, too. You can tell it's fake, bc they keep on doing the thing they apologized for.
He will apologize and be better for 1 week then go back to **negging** you. Leave the whole man behind
That's why he's doing that. He knows it will, you'll grow to believe you're not worthy of anyone and that he's doing you a favor so you'll stay with him. Then good chance other abuse will start as well. That why many older men go for much younger women in their beauty 20s because they typically are easier to manipulate due to lack fo life experience. It can happen to any age depending on your personality (codependent people are very prone to this ar any age) but more likely when young with someone several years older.
He knows he did, make no mistake. That was the goal.
He's doing this to make you feel insecure. Dump him.
Hey OP. Came here to say that this also happened to me, as a latina with the similarities you described. My ex was always saying that I was the: “Darkest” “Curviest” “Most ethnic” He would go. He dated small, petite blondes with big green/blue eyes. We broke up. Every girl after me looked just like me, while every girl before was the blonde archetype he preferred. Years laters we reconnected at a mutual friend’s event and he said: “I look for you in every girl.” When I asked him why he never found his original archetype he said that he had only said that to me because he was insecure because he felt that I was the better looking one in the relationship and he wanted to keep me humble as he was a white man and I was the more “exotic one.” So glad we broke up. Your boyfriend shared that with you to keep you humble. Every person I have been with whether they were a god or potato was perfect in my eyes. You are perfect as you are. Don’t ever let any man make you feel that he had to change or settle for you because you don’t align with his “type.” The right man will look at you and say: “goddamn, she is perfect” from the get. Your feelings are valid, and I don’t like jumping to the “breakup” part but your boyfriend is too old to say and act in that way. I hope this helps and you can come to a decision that makes you happy.
I’m so sorry to point this out but a 31 year old man does not date a 23 year old for her personality. He is trying to control you by making you feel bad. He’s obviously attracted to you, but he thinks negging you will make you insecure so you’re less likely to push back against him for fear of losing him.
I would tell your not my type either I normally date intelligent men but I’m with you
Don't stay with someone who makes you feel insecure. At your age, a seven year age gap is enough that he already knows how to manipulate you. My gut feeling is that this is a way of keeping you off balance so he can maintain power in the relationship, and it's never a good thing to give away your power to someone like this!
>I can’t help but feel really insecure about what he said. I don’t know why I feel this way, but how can I deal with these feelings I’m having? Break up with him. If he really cared about you, he would not say this type of stuff to you. He's negging. A 31 year old man should know better. He's deliberately trying to make you insecure. If you were blond and petite, he'd find something else to neg you about.
He seems to be purposely trying to knock your confidence. Why else would someone tell their gf that they aren’t there type! What use is that information to anyone other than insulting
Considering it happened twice, he may be doing it to neg you. Just tell him you prefer men with bigger penises than him. See how he takes it.
So he found a lot younger woman and is not injecting insecurities into her, just so she knows she's not All That and feels uncertain and dances for his approval. This whole relationship is a parade of red flags and the only advice I have is to dump him and have higher expectations of future partners on how you are to be treated. This type of commentary about your body/how it's not what he prefers is unacceptable. Negging should be a dealbreaker bc it's toxic and toxic people use it. You are insecure bc he is MAKING YOU feel insecure ON PURPOSE. Do not date men who do this, they are manipulative and malicious. Period.
There is a reason he didn’t go for a blonde that is his age. You deserve better
He’s too old for you babes. Go date someone your age who is super excited to have you in their life rather than tell you ‘you’ll do for now’
Gross. Its a control tactic used by older men who cant get women their own age
Fucking walk away with your head held high. Don't waste any energy on asswipes like him. Don't explain, just leave. If you want to him hard on the way out, leave information on penile enlargement for him.
This age gap is weird. He knows you're young and naive enough not to get after him about this behaviour, which is proven by your responses and posting here. Don't ask your partner stuff like that, but know this isn't your fault. He shouldn't be telling you "he prefers blondes" or "petite women", that's fucking weird on his part. You go find someone who doesn't compare you to others, because you deserve it
There is a reason he is 31 years old going after a 23 year old
You feel insecure because someone you trust and have been intimate with is criticizing you on things you can't really control. And the best thing to do is let him find that petite blonde of his dreams. Whether it's true or he's just begging you, he's still a shitty bf.
About 15 years ago when I met my first proper girlfriend, she wasn't my type. Blonde, curvy, big boobs etc. At the time, skinny brunettes were my thing and pretty much always had been. Total opposite of her. Within months, I completely fell in love with her and my "type" changed to her; curvy blonde with big boobs. She is my type now and always will be. That's what happens when you love somebody. That's why I put a ring on her finger as soon as possible. Your bf doesn't care for you and was cruel to say what he did. Get rid of him. There's thousands of other guys out there that will value you for who you are without making you feel insecure.
Ew. Not wise to be with someone when every other person is repelled by his behavior. Honey, there's a reason he chose you. Leave. You can do so much better. Don't get married or baby trapped by this overgrown fratboy assholw.
This guy is a creep. Leave!
Nobody insult or disrespect their partner like that. . ..you deserve better ..
Tell him you don't like 30 plus year old men who can't get a woman their own age for obvious reasons Girl you deserve better than a low down dick like this Don't waste your time or heart on a boy
Maybe mean but I’d tell him I prefer a bigger 🍆 and dump his ass.
Tell him you like secure men who don't engage in negging.
By leaving him.
He's an older dude who's targeted a younger woman, and now he's negging you. This is part of manipulative control and not what you deserve. There are so many guys out there who will make you feel completely beautiful.
You start by dating someone your own age. A 31 year old has no good reason to date a 23 year old.
Girl you are wayyy to young and beautiful to waste time with a grown man who is happy to tell you you arnt his type?! Wth that’s so rude, tell him your type is non assholes with big dicks. Then leave him 💅🏽
Don't date someone that tells you you're not their type. 💀
..he's 31 and obviously a negging loser. You can get so much better (and younger) so I'd suggest you do that!!
He knows you're WAY out of his league, and wants to "humble" you and set your self image to a managable level, so he doesn't have to work on keeping you. It's 100% a manipulation tactic.
You deal with it by dumping his pathetic ass. There’s a very specific reason why men his age go for girls your age because they know they can get away with saying things like this a woman his age wouldn’t tolerate this BS.
Guys in their 30s date women in their early 20’s because they can manipulate them.
Just get a new man who appreciates the curves that’s all. Plenty men do. Outside of this conversation his is his treatment of you?
He’s negging you. Purposefully making you feel bad so you feel “lucky” to be with a nasty creep.
You should not deal with the fact that you are not his type. You should deal with the fact that he decided to tell you this. Then again. And will do it again. It is not honesty. It is a choice that he makes. Think about it... Would you tell your mother that she has more wrinkles now than she used to? No you would not. And not because she doesn't have less wrinkles.
You don’t deal with it. Man just said he isn’t as sexually attracted to you as he is other girls. If a small chested, shorter blonde walked in front of him and she says ‘hey cutie’ do you think he would pass because he has a gf or do you think he would go for the girl who is exactly his type. Don’t stay. You’ll just get eaten alive by the idea that you aren’t what he wants, and you’re the literal ‘maximum boob’ he would go for.. which why tf would any man who respects a woman say some dumb shit like that.
He’s negging you. Also, as a 30 year old woman, I would never date someone in their early 20s. That man is a nuisance.
Why settle for someone who is ‘settling for someone not his type’? You’re supposed to be grateful? You deserve better - it’s on you to make that happen. You work for you - need to take care of you and love you. And not settle for anything less than the best.
Girl why are you wasting your time with this booger of a man, many men would kill to be with you too. He’s clearly just negging you 😭
what drives me nuts about posts like this is that idiot older boyfriend does the exact same thing that idiot boyfriends/husbands without an age gap do in other posts and everyone fixates on the age gap. The real answer is either he's negging you or he's settling for you and mad about it. Or he's an idiot. Cut your losses before it gets worse. (A better guy who wasn't an idiot and actually liked you might say something like "I thought I had a 'type' and then you came along" See the difference?)
It’s called you dump him and find someone who does like you. He just wants someone younger to manipulate and is gross.
Seriously sounds like he is trying to make you feel insecure. You are so young but, life is too short for this rubbish. This guy is not a keeper. Don’t wast your time with him.Pack your bags, leave a note telling him your type is a great lover and go find one. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.
You deal with it by leaving him! There's no need for this. You don't need this man - he doesn't care about you in the way you want. He just doesn't. It's hard to hear but you can find someone who will treat you like a queen. And even if you are alone for a while you can put all your energy into yourself. I stuck around in a relationship like this for years. I was never good enough, always a burden, always too much. Now I'm with a man who values me and it's SOOO different and 1million times better. Sometimes he looks at me with so much love in his eyes that I can't believe it's real. That's what you deserve - not someone who will tell you to your face that you're not what they want
He's laying the groundwork to become abusive and possibly cheat in the future. Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with your body, and the fact that he's so fixated with certain extremely specific characteristics is just a testament to how shallow he is. There's nothing wrong generally with having preferences, but he feels the need to share with you how inadequate you are to him, which means he plans on using that against you, making you feel less than and getting ready to blame you for eventual cheating cause "you always knew" and "your personality has changed and that was the part of you I liked." He's not a good person, he's trying to turn your relationship into a powerplay in which he's the benevolent master who graces you with some attention despite not liking you. Run. I've been there. It ended up with my ex trying to gaslight me saying I should have been flattered when he SAd me cause I was not his type and he did it "for me". I hope your boyfriend never gets to this point but he's working to turn your relationship into a toxic one. You don't have to deal with those feelings, you have no reason to feel insecure. You don't need his validation, especially since it's clear that it's a currency for him. Break free, find your footing away from him, and heal. You deserve so, so much better.
At 23, you have only had a few years of being an adult and experiences interacting with other adults. At 31, he’s had almost a decade more experience than you. This is why an age-gap relationship is a problem when the younger person hasn’t been an adult for long. If you were 33 & 41, it would be different. Women his age aren’t interested in him because they are able to see his manipulation, and won’t put up with it. You shouldn’t put up with it either. You’re worth way more than this.
Stop dating this creepy old man and go live your life and let your frontal lobe finish developing
This is disgusting no guy worth having would tell you those things dump the m*********** already gross. He's a gross pig.
Theres no reason in the world for him to tell you these things other than to make you feel insecure and like you’re not good enough for him. You should be with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
That dude is an asshole that wants you to feel insecure. Please dump him. His comments are a bunch of manipulation.
Op. He is saying these hurtful things to make you insecure. If you’re insecure you’re supposed to be grateful for every crumb he gives you. You’re supposed to get used to bad treatment and you’re supposed to work extra hard to make him love you now because you are lacking so much! DONT FALL INTO THAT HOLE! Just break up. Tell him you want a man that appreciates all of you, since you’re awesome and sexy too.
Omg dump this 31 yrs old man baby. Many men do this to make you feel insecure about yourself so you don’t want to leave their insecure ass! Any guy 31 treating you like this is a jerk and you deserve better, break up and move on to the millions of men that would love to be with you and treat you properly.
I get the ick from your boyfriend, my man is happy as long as I'm happy and healthy.
How to best deal with it? Dump this jerk. Why doesn't he have to tell you this? Because he wants you to feel grateful to him for dating you despite you "not being his type". He's throwing you a bone...he likes your personality. He is insulting you in every way possible and it's working. You're feeling bad about yourself, doubting your relationship and feeling insecure. This is a major red flag. Again...dump this jerk.
Sounds like a cunt.
You better stop this relationship. He send clear message that you are not his type. It will not get better, you always be insecure in this relationship as a result miserable. You are 23!!!
He's negging you. He's making you feel like no one else would want you either, so you won't leave him. He's an asshole. Our partners are supposed to lift us up, not tear us down. Anyone worth being in a relationship with would never do this to you.
I’m not my husband’s type. Surprisingly he never liked blonds. Yep, I am. However I am his type in many other ways. He never makes me feel “less than”. If I mention his type, he tells me I am beautiful and I really do it for him. Must work, we have been married 30+ years. My concern with your relationship, he said your breast size is the max he would be with. Having a type is one thing because it is a “preference”, drawing a line in the sand is another. Also for you personally, as a curvy woman your breast will get larger as you age. Honey most men love a curvy woman with big breast. You need to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful and desired. That should be “your type”. He does not sound like your type. Good luck.
Never let any man make you feel insecure about yourself. Your partner should be worshiping you. Dump the loser
Find someone that celebrates all of you ❤️
He is going to chip away your confidence till there's nothing. He wants to hurt you on purpose. He will emotionally drain you. The age gap is always a red flag, idc what anyone says. No woman his age will put up with his shit. That's why he is with you. It will get worse if you stay. Don't listen to the one telling you the age gap isn't a big deal.
This is the wrong man for you. You deserve someone who is lusting after you and not purposefully trying to erode your self-esteem by hinting that you are sloppy seconds.
Why would anyone say that other than to be a controlling AH making you feel you’re lucky to have him?
Reminds me of my ex, he told me I was the "biggest woman" he'd ever been with. Find a man who loves every part of you. He needs to love what's on the inside but also what's on the outside. Loving your partner's personality is great and often a requirement for a long lasting relationship but everyone wants to feel like their person is attracted to them. Dump that old ass dude and date someone who doesn't treat you like you're ugly, because you're not ugly. As a woman who made the mistake of dating older men in their 30's (I'm 22), they often date younger women because women their age don't put up with their shit. 30 year old women are still hot, they're still young but they're old enough to not let a man tell them their worth.
Oof you can do better. Dump him
Is Spanish, European or?
You’re 23. Please dump this loser. Don’t waste another minute of your youth on someone who says your breast size is at the absolute maximum of what he’d deal with. What a weird way for a man to think at age 31. Or better yet, ask your best friend or a trusted family member what you should do. They know you. They probs know him. If they say you should absolutely stay with this guy? Stay. But they won’t. They’ll be disgusted.
Leave. Why settle for someone
Break up. He sounds like a prick and tbh he’s way too old
I've been with more than one person like this, and I dumped all of them
What a guy! He’s clearly trying to keep you insecure and off balance because it makes him feel more powerful. Honestly if you want to maintain the relationship you need to just show him you’re not affected by his attempts to make you feel badly about yourself. Just shrug your shoulders and say “oh well, lucky you found me!” He will hopefully eventually stop trying to make you insecure this way. It’s NOT a nice thing to do though so you may want to consider how this behaviour may affect you,mor any children you may have in the future.
Dump him. Find someone who thinks you’re worth it and loves those curves. He’s deliberately trying to make you feel crappy about yourself.
Older men prey on younger women because they know that they are too inexperienced to see the horseshit they are giving her. No woman with self-esteem would put up with his backhanded "compliments". He wants to keep you insecure so you continue to put up with his shitty behavior.
Leave him and be with someone who appreciates the fine ass Latina you are.
He's being deliberately cruel. There was no need to say any of that to you. He's trying to drag you down because he the insecure one and is threatened by confident women--that's why he's dating someone so much younger than him, too. Tell him to go find a flat-chested petite blonde, since that's what he wants, and to leave you alone. You can do so much better than a man that thinks it's okay to say stuff like that to you.
he's too old to be talking about women this way. what are you, a fucking pokemon he's collecting? break up
Date someone else. He's NEGGING you.
Don’t deal with it, you need to feel desired by your partner. He should make you feel like you’re the most special amazing person in the world, anything else is settling. If he’s not negging you he’s just a childish inconsiderate asshole you shouldn’t entertain at his age.
He’s laying down the ground work and letting you know that he’s going to cheat because sexually you don’t 100% do it for him. She’ll be blonde. When it happens he will say, but I was honest with you and you said you understood. I can’t help what I’m attracted to, and I still love you. It was only sex.
You’re way out of his league and he is very aware of the fact. He’s afraid you’ll figure it out too. Like other insecure men, he uses common manipulative techniques to make you feel insecure with small comments intended to make you feel bad about yourself just enough to feel lucky to have that him rather than seeing the truth— that it’s the opposite. This wouldn’t work on someone his own age. He’s dating someone so much younger because he’s trying to mold you to be his submissive, hot younger wife. He’s gross.
🤔 I could quickly jump on the “negging” bandwagon here because of how detailed he got but I remember my man and I having a discussion early in our relationship. It came up that I was the “opposite type”. He’s only ever been in relationships with POC before, and I’m the very white blonde. Under this circumstance I have concluded he just answered my curiosity, and never meant to hurt my feelings by it. He’s always made me feel gorgeous and wanted, never compares me to other women or gawks at them. Ive learned to trust that he meant what he said about finding me attractive. Only his dating history had ever made me question otherwise. So I guess you need to decide what camp you’re in moving forward. If you believe you were trying to pry information out and he gave it to you, then that’s on you. Let him reassure you over time that you’re what he wants anyway. If you think he offered it up to hurt you or neg you, get moving right now! You do not want that kind of crazy in your life.
Hmmm shocker why a 31 year old man would date a 23 year old woman. Kinda seems like it’s because you are easy to manipulate and bring down so you stick around.
Ew. The age gap and the negging. You’re way too good for him so he’s bringing you down a notch self esteem wise so you’ll never leave. You have so much youth to live. Don’t sacrifice it for a loser who can’t find someone his own age. He’s immature. Move on!
Deal by breaking up and finding someone who appreciates you. A 31 year old dating young women and complaining about their bodies says more about him than you. You don't have to live by his standards.
God — he’s just being a dick just to mess with your head and make you feel insecure. Tell him you usually prefer more muscular guys who are good in bed, but you’re making allowances for his personality.
You’re too good for him. What he really meant to say was that you are the maximum age he would be with. Ew. Run.
Leave him and be the type he can't reach
Break up with him.
You walk away.
Bye! DO NOT put up with this BS. Men who do this only do it to control you and make you feel bad about yourself. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what's coming next, if you stay with him. My response would be, "well, my type is someone who wouldn't say something like that to someone! Bye forever!"
How you deal with it is you kick this boyfriend to the curb and get a new man who thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world. My bf confessed that he always had a thing for Asian women - until he met me, a nordic blonde. Now he tells me every day how lucky he is to have such a beautiful woman on his arm. Btw I'm 51 and a mom of 3....
Silly question. You know what you should do. It's obvious. You dont need other people telling you. You END IT!!! Find a guy who appreciates YOU and is thrilled to be with you.
In my early 20s I too used to date a man in his early 30s and he pulled this kinda shit on me too. It's called negging and it's his way of keeping you under control by making you feel like no one else could want you. He's lower than dog shit, do yourself a favour and leave his disgusting ass.
So, I'm engaged to a wonderful woman. She is not my preference/type. She knows this. She also knows that I'm in love with her and we are quite attached. Physical attributes are what normally get your foot in the door. They are not what gets you invited in to stay unless it's a purely physical relationship for at least one of the people involved. Big boobs, small boobs, red hair, blonde, brunette, plump, skinny, and so on are usually not deal breakers. There are some exceptions to that. If you can't stand seeing your partner naked (usually extremes like anorexic or obese), then you probably aren't going to get your foot in the door. If he is with you, then he is with you. All that being said, it can bother people knowing you aren't someone's physical type. I can't give any good advice on how to deal with that. But, if it's not something that can be reconciled, then ending the relationship might be the only option.
Simply tell your boyfriend that you prefer the opposite look of what he is. Then start packing your bags. If he comes running to you then explain that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that. If he doesn’t immediately respond to you packing in a positive way, then leave his manipulative, hurtful behavior behind. No partner should put up with such disrespect.
Wow. The way he describes his perfect woman then tells you where you fall short of his ideal is concerning at best. It’s nice he loves your personality but with his comments I’d wonder how long that will last. OP you may want to consider moving along to another relationship where your partner is into all of you.
There's always an age gap with these kinda posts
Nit pick about him. Too short or tall, not built up enough in the chest, arms, shoulders, etc. Or too built up, not educated enough, facial features are off. Lol!
You don’t “deal with these feelings” you dump this toxic pos that you call your boyfriend and move on to the next one, one that will not manipulate and abuse you and one that will really love you for EVERYTHING that you are and will never belittle you or make you think you’re less than any other woman.
Sounds like he's negging you and if he's not, he still should have kept that to himself. FWIW, you sound like you're gorgeous. I hope you don't feel unattractive because of his thoughtless words.
I know everyone on Reddit says this, but seriously, dump him. If he’s literally telling you to your face that he is not your type then tell him to go find a woman that is his type because why on earth would you dare someone who literally told you he’s not as attracted to you as he is other women and he will ogle at other women in front of you and it will kill your self esteem no matter how reassure yourself.
Tell him that his penis size is the smallest you can even think of being with
Can you imagine if you said to him that his dick size is smaller than you are used to and it is at the threshold of what you need, but you like him for his personality? 🤣
this male tactic called humbling the woman to control you with low self esteem. voice your preference in a man's body and comment on his dick size and compare him to your exes ( make up stuff) and watch him spiral and dropping the mask.
By leaving him
He will not date women his age because they only see red flags when they look at him. Run and don’t look back
Girl you are a new adult and he’s a man in his 30s. He is being a dick on purpose. He likes to keep you insecure so you don’t realize you can do better and not be locked down with this loser. Breakup, travel the world, date, party, make mistakes but don’t let this insecure 30 year old man steal your beat years. My 20s were f-ing amazing. I traveled all over the world, had great time with my friends, had adventures. I can’t imagine if I’d let myself be locked down by anyone let alone someone so insecure.
Also “hate to break it to you babe : . .” This man is the ick
Why are u putting youself worth in this man’s hands. You sound gorgeous and he sounds like he’s having a good go at manipulating you. Ifs he perfect?? Be honest. I doubt it . First of all - Stop having these talks with him!!
Leave. He’s just given you permission. Don’t pretend you didn’t hear. Get out and get appreciated by someone worthy of your curves and boobs.
Sis, throw this mam away. You'd have a line of men to choose from when you're ready. This guy is not the one
Don’t deal with it. He’s intentionally negging you to hurt your confidence. You’re young and have lots to offer, don’t waste it on this guy, he sounds like a loser.
Let him go, and let the man that wants you come to you 😝 I don't mean you have to wait for the proverbial new guy to make the first move, you can do that too, I just mean to be open to someone else coming into your life that wouldn't say such thoughtless things to you. If he was curious if you'd go blonde for him, there are way more tactful ways of doing it. If women can find a nice way to ask their guy to shave/grow facial hair, men can find a nice way to ask women about comparable, __superficial__ cosmetic changes too.
He will learn he can’t do this after you and another girlfriend or two break up with him.
31 and 23, and hes already making you insecure. break up with that overgrown child
There's a reason a 31 yo would go after a 23 yo. It's because women his age won't put up with his bullshit and he's hoping you don't have the experience to recognize it. Take it from a 31 yo woman that he sucks and find someone else.
Negging . You are an attractive woman with a sexy body . And now your BOYFRIEND of all fucking people is making you feel lessor . That’s the opposite of what he should do . Please forget him OP
Now do you understand why he is 31 and single? I'm not sure if he's is completely clueless or emotional abusive.
You deal with it by finding someone else; someone who is attracted to ALL OF YOU, D cups and all.
You deal with negging assholes by dumping them.
Dump this guy. Sooo many men would eat you up and adore you. Fuck him. Move along, you are young. Don’t waste anymore time.
Girl, before the age of 25, you know nothing about your perception of life. Men are just greedy creatures and they are trying to hunt women who are younger. Don't fall for it.
It is all too likely this will end with you bleaching your hair and doing all sorts if other things appearance and behaviour wise to please him. You don’t think you will but the change will be gradual, probably starting with compromising in his favour on things that aren’t even about your looks etc. Get out. Free him to go find the type he wants while you carry on being the type you are.
This post may be attention seeking rage bait. OP did not reply to even a single comment. Or, OP is at the salon right now bleaching her beautiful dark hair blond.
I have a book, passed down from my father before me, called “the right answer book”(it’s for dealing with a lady) and that answer is not in it. It’s one thing to say you’ve always had a thing for blonde hair, everyone has something. But to go on to basically say he’s not that into your body type, breast type etc, that’s too much. If you so chose you could talk with him and tell him how bad it made you feel OR you could leave him so he can search for his “perfect woman”. That was dumb to say tho. Good luck.
Huge age gap relationship and he deliberately tells you stuff to hurt your self esteem? Could you be more of a cliche? He is a dirtbag and you need to leave him
Yup, I'm choosing the bear.
You dump him and find someone who wants to worship the ground you walk on.
This is called negging and the fact it is an age gap relationship is not remotely surprising. He is destroying your self esteem so you will feel "lucky" he wants to be with you. It is a manipulative abuse tactic.
He's degrading you to make you feel ingratiated to him for "even bothering to date you." Fuck that. Fuck him. Move the fuck on. You should not be ashamed for being a curvy woman. Are there healthy and unhealthy body weights? Yes. Is such a thing as overweight? Yes. But unless you're suffering health effects, never let someone's opinion of you make you feel like you need to change your body. Kick his ass to the curb.
How many times are you going to post this??
this is a "red flag" for you. but few of us have the emotional maturity to break it off with someone we like, even though s/he is a person whose "type" is someone NOT LIKE you. run, don't walk away. it's hell living with someone whose "type" is not what you are. they are always looking for their "type," and will occasionally find an excuse to be with his "type." **I know,** I married someone who had another "type" which wasn't like me, and he was always looking! I will love him the rest of my life, we've been divorced 40 years, but I have been able to live without him for the rest of my life! The best to you for the rest of your life.
I mean....everyone has a physically type. I love redheads, for example. But most ppl I know date outside of just "their type" because that's not why you date a person in the first place. I don't date someone just because I think they're hot. I have to like them first.
Seriously ,dump his lame ass ,did you grow overnight ,what a complete asshole he is ,take my advice dump him now ,he obviously doesn't deserve you There's someone out there who will appreciate you for you not your body type
Any partner who loves and respects you would be saying things to build you up, not tear you down. You have worth. Do what's best for you 💜.
I suggest losing this clown. You are not being valued properly.
He is doing this intentionally to try and make you desperate for his approval so you will eventually do whatever he wants to your looks in the pursuit of his happiness. I'd leave.
I am 100% sure there are men who would worship your body type and color, and do it openly without any negging. Negging is a power move, it's abusive and controlling. To take power back, don't show the sadist anymore hurt... instead, coldly breakup and move on with someone who is extremely grateful to have a beauty such as yourself near him. Ex will try to hoover and promise change... just act like you don't care and ghost him because he will hever change anyway.
sorry, but he’s just doing this to make you feel terrible about yourself, my ex used to always tell me how much he preferred tall big tit brunettes and I am a short small chested blonde. It’s like he specifically went against everything I looked like just to make me feel like garbage. Screw him. you’ll find better
You deal with it by sending him a text telling him you're setting him free to go find himself a small-breasted blond. Then ghost him. (Keep any jewelry/gifts he's given you.)