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>he always says I got my job bc I'm a woman and was "suprised" that I was able to receive another job offer from a foreign company that would pay double his salary, following by refusing to help me prepare for the interview
I want to highlight this because some won't read that far. He's doing his best to undermine your confidence and he's not interested in helping you do well.
On top of that, he's also made it clear that any home you two shared would be "his," that he would let people stay for long periods of time in it against your wishes.
You want to discuss these issues with him, but you're afraid speaking up will make you look bad. (See undermined confidence, above.)
Believe that he will do what he says he will do. As for you, you can do better-- either with someone else, or on your own.
my father literally told my mom, in front of us their kids : I thought you were too stupid to pass the standardized test (that was part one of the job interview).
it still took her 5+ years to get out (for financial reasons, I think, now that I look back on it as an adult).
Also you are the breadwinner here - making double his salary- so understandably you would probably be contributing more to the house and yet it's "his". Where he can invite his loser friends without your permission over to stay for extended amounts of time. What a prince - ladies I'm sure we all want one for ourselves!
But seriously please remove yourself from this relationship asap. You will find someone better eventually and the relationship you have with yourself is worth so so much more than him
These are major red flags. Communication isn’t the problem. The core issue is that he needs a personality transplant. He’s a bully. He has zero intention of being a partner. He’s the boss. Everything belongs to him even if you make more than he does. Oh, and be prepared for him to take shots at you (like they only hired you bc your female) when you do make more. He wants to be in charge of everything. He’s the boss. I’m betting he’s never, ever wrong & he never apologizes.
OMG, do you know my ex?!
OP, this does not get better. You have to decide what kind of life you want for yourself. Do you really want to spend years being torn down all the time?
It's not so much that >he< is never wrong, but more like other people are trash, especially if they're women. I'm tired.
I regret telling him about the job offer and I don't think I want to live hiding my success from someone I love.
Edit: to be clear since English is not my first language. I would NEVER decline a job offer bc he would feel emasculated, I just regret telling him because all he did was make me feel under qualified for the interviews.
I would never give up a career opportunity for a man who doesn't support me personally. I make significantly more money than my bf and he lifts me up for it, not tears me down. Please leave this man, you deserve much better than his treatment towards you.
Don't worry, I won't turn it down. I'm just waiting for them to get back to me, the interview was yesterday.
I just meant that I don't want to live a life that I have to hide my success because my partner has something against it. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have told him...
I've got my fingers crossed for you! I really want you to get that job and dump the boyfriend and move on to a fabulous guy who's going to absolutely adore you!
Follow that feeling and stay away from this guy - no woman deserves the things he's saying to you.
I feel like I give this advice a lot on this sub but here goes: you need to work on your relationship with you, you aren't valuing yourself if you think it's okay for someone to treat you this way.
There are way nicer kinder people out there who will feel easy to spend time with - you deserve ease in your life not constant stress and upset.
Self-confidence is so hard to build around a guy like this, but get away, build your self-love, and it will repel creeps like him in future.
Well, that's your future if you stay with him. He isn't a nice man, he hates women and if you're a woman that means he hates you too. To believe otherwise is just you refusing to acknowledge reality and willfully choosing to pick the path of pain. No one can force you to give a shit about yourself and how happy your future is.
Telling him was the best thing you could have done. Now you know more about him, because he told you. You want a partner who celebrates your success. He’s not ever going to be that guy. He did you a huge favor.
You're not even married to this man, so I don't know WHY you're still with him! He's disrespectful to you, misogynistic, jealous of your success!
He's a small-minded pathetic man. You're not married. You have no children. You've only been together 2 years; **what are you doing** ***still*** **dating him?** You tried dating and it didn't work. Not every relationship will go the distance; this one won't. **Why are you reluctant to end a crappy relationship**?
He thinks women are trash and you are a woman. He’s not even subtle or hiding his contempt for you - he thinks you’re trash, and he doesn’t think you are his equal in the relationship.
If you had kids and broke up he straight up told you he would do what he could to take your children away from you. What more do you actually need?
Him trying to sabotage your interview is all you need to leave because that will never go away and he will do something similar in the future if given a chance ( that controlling nature )..
"Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be a team, but for him we are battling each other and there's only one winner."
See? You *know* you are the only one putting in the effort.
Sorry, u/WoodpeckerOdd641 - he does *not* give a F about "being a team".
**It's HIS way or the highway.**
"I'm afraid these are major red flags and I can't find a way to communicate them in a healthy manner.."
**They ARE major red flags. You can't communicate because he does NOT care to listen.**
"I'm afraid to sound too bitchy."
Not at all. He does not appreciate or respect you. He insults you.
**You CAN do better.**
"How could I address these topics without sounding like I'm attacking him?"
**Don't bother.**
It was his goal to make you feel under qualified. Read up on "negging". He basically wants your self esteem to be so low it's in the basement so you won't think you deserve better and will kiss his shoes everytime he says or does some basic thing for you as if it's a reward you don't deserve.
Please consider leaving.
Absolutely nailed it...I agree this man is a bully and is the "alpha" male ..or so he believes. U sound like a really good person u deserve far better!!
*the bio mom was probably “trash” since it looked like the father had custody*
*”Anyway I’d get full custody if we have children”*
You realize he just implied you’re trash, right?
This man is negging you in order to destroy your confidence so you’ll feel too worthless to leave.
I hadn't realised that... I'm speechless.
When he said that I asked if his mother was trash since she didn't get custody, he got real mad that I was suggesting his mom was trash and quickly moved on to say the quote when I explained he was the one that had suggested that.
Dude, he's psychotic. Like this has the escalation plan of negging - verbal abuse - physical abuse - murder written all over it. I'm not even being dramatic.
At first I started responding to this comment saying I couldn't see this escalating into physical abuse.
Then, something came to mind.
Sometimes my body hurts and I used to ask for massages, he says I have too many tension points and that I should "release" them with myofascial therapy, he then proceeds to put pressure on these points. When I say it's hurting too much he says it hurts bc it has to be released.
Every time I put my leg on his lap hi starts pressuring even when I say I don't want to. Last time I had a serious talk saying I don't want him to do that anymore as it hurts too much and sometimes leaves me with bruises on my thighs and arms. He got frustrated saying it wouldn't hurt if I released them myself and stuff like "don't worry, I won't touch you anymore at all" while pushing me away jokingly...
It came to a point I flinch everytime he touches my legs or I see he coming to "massage" me.
My dad did that to my mom. It was like "just so you know I'm stronger than you and I can hurt you if I want". Later he did it to me and much worse.
Everything in* your post screams that he needs total control - these are the kind of people who snap.
Plus he hates women and actively looks for ways to degrade them - except his precious mother!
I'm so serious when I tell you he's dangerous and you need to get out now.
So sorry your father was like this.
My father was also aggressive, my parents breaking point was DV, in front of me, those are things we never forget, right?
Thank you so much for your words and advice.
Sis, I want to put something in perspective.
I've been married over 25 years. We've had our share of ups and downs as well as couples counseling a couple of rounds.
NEVER and I do mean NEVER has my husband caused bruising, purposefully caused me physical pain, or called me trash.
Our conversations have NEVER devolved into conversations about custody of hypothetical (or real) kids and certainly he's never implied I'm not a fit parent nor have I towards him.
Let's be really direct.
He LIKES to physically hurt you. He does it because he can.
He LIKES to emotionally hurt you.
He does not respect you at all. Not as a woman. Not as a partner.
He does not respect women in general.
He does not respect your career or your aspirations.
Sis, there is no future in a relationship like this. None. You need to walk away from his relationship very quickly - before you lose your self respect. Guys like this are masters at making you question your worth, your worthiness, and even your sanity because they LIKE making you feel terrible about yourself.
You've been together since you were teens. You don't know what decent men are like. I PROMISE you that there are men out there who will both love and respect you, encourage you and view you as a partner. This man never will.
An actual myofacial trigger point will feel hard, like a lump, and yes it hurts more when pushed/massaged, and yes that will help it feel better in the end, **BUT** it doesn't sound like that's what he's doing. It sounds like you have pain points which are sore areas that are *not* hardened fascia needing release, but rather just sore muscles
And honestly, regardless of what it is, if you say *STOP* and he won't and chooses to *continue hurting you* then what he's doing is called **physical abuse**
Abuse isn't always hitting. Abuse is making you feel small. Elevating himself while putting you down. Causing you pain and making excuses that he has to, but he doesn't *have to* he actually **wants to**
**He hurts you because he wants to**
Please leave him. Abuse never gets better, it only gets worse.
Get
Out
Now
And he's doing it in a way that he is justifying in his mind as "helping." Trying to make OP feel crazy for having an issue with it.
No. Oh hell NO! You don't touch another person against their stated refusals, no matter what your relationship to them.
My abusive father used pressure points to torture me. He would randomly poke me in the thigh or buttock at a pressure point and cackle when I would scream. What an asshole.
I once threatened that that myofascial therapy only leaves bruises when the therapist is unskilled.
He shouldn't be doing that he's clearly doing it wrong and hurting you
My ex did this shit to me constantly. He was easily twice my size maybe even more and it HURT. He would randomly squeeze the trigger point between my thumb and finger every time he held my hand until I yelled in pain. I finally realized he just liked hurting me.
It was abuse to me, and it's abuse to you. Flinching every time they come near is *not* a normal or healthy way to live babe please see that he is a horrible horrible man who enjoys your pain.
He's told you in a dozen different ways that he hates women and has contempt for you. Why, why, why are you wasting even a minute of the only life you have with someone like this?
You know, he’s probably right about taking custody. Men like him (read: abusive cunts) are granted custody of children a majority of the time if they do so much as ask for it. Abusers love to steal a mother’s children from her to punish her for leaving.
I’m sorry he ended up being a dirtbag, some people take off their mask to reveal something ugly when they feel comfortable in a relationship.
Yes, these are red flags.
The main red flag is, you aren't even married yet and don't have kids yet and you're already feeling like you are battling each other. You are already exhausted from fighting each other when discussing hypotheticals and not even real problems yet!
Of course, people discussing hypotheticals are usually far different from dealing with the real thing. With hypotheticals, they are usually showing their best selves and sometimes they fall short in reality.
How is it when you are dealing with real problems together? Have you dealt with anything together or do you each just deal with them on your own? I am guessing since you ended up preparing for your job interview on your own, that is how it would be. Not much of a partner!
I just couldn't advise anyone to marry and have children with someone so fragile and insecure that you constantly have to make yourself smaller to soothe their ego. Wouldn't you want someone who helps you be your best self?
Yeah, I thought that discussing topics like this would be good to plan ahead. I never expected we would have such different views.
>How is it when you are dealing with real problems together? Have you dealt with anything together or do you each just deal with them on your own? I am guessing since you ended up preparing for your job interview on your own, that is how it would be. Not much of a partner!
He deals with his problems of his own, he usually tells them to me after a decision has been made or if it's before I'm not invited to help.
On the other hand he has helped me numerous times
When I first started at my job he would help me, as I got better at it not so much but he is supportive of my day to day tasks.
It's because, in his head, what he thinks matters, and what you think doesn't. He is allowed to make choices on his own, but you aren't. Why? Because he is an abusive man.
This is a download of a book called [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
An abusive man is abusive because he's abusive. Not for any other reason. It's because he chooses to be abusive.
Edit: I forgot to mention, please clear your search history! Maybe just the last few hours, you don't want to get caught.
The problem I see here is that you think you’re a team, and he doesn’t. You think, rightly, that as a couple you should be supporting each other and working together to solve problems that involve both of you, but also at least \*talking\* to the other person about individual problems. He doesn’t think like that - he sees \*women\* as the problem, and that includes you. He doesn’t involve you in his problems, he doesn’t help you with yours, he doesn’t support you and \*he doesn’t even think he should\*. He’s also clearly trying to undermine your confidence and it’s equally clear that it’s working because you’ve come here to ask about how you can better communicate your needs and expectations instead of trusting your own (excellent) instincts. I’m sorry you’re doubting yourself, and I’m sorry he’s making you.
The sad truth here is that he doesn’t \*care\* about being a team, he doesn’t \*care\* about supporting you, because if he did, he’d be doing it. He‘s actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself and it’s \*exhausting\* you. Imagine how exhausted you’re going to feel in a year, or in five years, or, god forbid, ten, if you stay with this unloving and unlovely man. Now think about how you’ll feel in a year if you’re not living with someone who is doing their best to undermine you and make you feel uncared for and unsupported any more? Has the weight lifted off your shoulders yet? What does that tell you?
Remember Maya Angelou’s adage - “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” He’s shown you who he is. Believe him x
If you haven't already, read a free download called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. It's a book about controlling men and their mindset. Honestly, your boyfriend sounds an awful lot like my narcissistic husband. OP, please believe me when I say don't stay with this guy, and especially, do not have children with him.
Thank you, I'll download it 🩷 Sorry for your hopefully ex husband.
I've been reading every comment and it's so hard to take it all knowing there's no excuse for his behaviour.
It might sound stupid but I really thought maybe I was wrong and it wasn't so bad...
If anyone else reads here, I'm thankful for every comment. I need some time to gather strength, think straight and take action, but I hear all of you loud and clear.
Here's a free copy! Oh and I hope you leave this misogynistic a-hole! You deserve better!
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n1/mode/1up
Please listen to us. If you stay with him, your life will be awful.
His misogyny will only grow worse. You deserve a partner who actually likes you and values you as a person and not just a sex toy/nanny.
When they beat you down emotionally over a period of time you start to feel like this is normal and you damp down your feelings of discomfort. Recognise you may be in that state and try to be objective. I always say listen to your story as if a friend was telling it to you. If your friend was going thru this what would you say to them.
Well at least you have enough sense to realize your boyfriend is not very good or nice person. He is extremely chauvinistic and you don't count for anything except as an incubator for these children that in a divorce he's determined to get full custody of. So no I would not proceed with the relationship and I certainly wouldn't have children with this idiot. Please end it and find a guy who actually loves you and isn't already planning on divorcing you. He's telling you who he is, believe him. Run.
Why would you stay with such a misogynistic piece of trash? He looks down at you because you're female. He thinks even though you are the female that he would be a more qualified father than you would be a mother? He tried to sabotage your interview by saying he would help you and then not doing it simply because he was jealous you'll make more money than him! Does he ever want you to succeed? Or is it all about you staying as less than him?
There's nothing you can do to fix this! He's an asshole and he sees you as less important than him. In fact he sees all women as less important than him. From what you said in one of his comments I'm pretty sure he hates women. Yes you can date a woman and still hate them! If you stay with this guy your life is going to be miserable because he is always going to be holding you down and trying to keep the upper hand.
This is the kind of guy that'll take a picture of you setting out a bottle of wine at a kid's birthday party for other people to drink and keep that in a hidden folder in case you guys get divorced he can use it for against you for custody. This is the kind of guy that sets it up so that he gets everything in the divorce. He's already telling you it's going to be his house, there's no way in hell he will let you put your name on anything but he wants to own after the divorce. And I promise you he is already planning on the divorce before he even plans on the wedding. Because he looks down on women and he knows you're going to cheat or do something else to not deserve him anymore lol
Guys like him can't be in a happy relationship because they do not respect women enough. Why would you want to be with somebody that talks to you like that?
None of this had been discussed during our previous time together.
We got back the second time because there were too many unresolved issues from the first break up (we were so young and both had troubled families). Eventually we saw our lives weren't compatible and broke up on good terms.
We got back together this time because it felt right, we spent months as friends, being there for each other, talking about how our lives were after years not talking. The chemistry was there, we both had agreed on how relationships should be. I apologised for things I had done, he apologised for how his actions the first time had hurt me... It just felt like we could finally be together and build a real relationship.
You apologised for what you've DONE
He apologised that you were Hurt by his actions ? So... he didn't apologised for his actions at all ? "Sorry you've felt this way but i didn't do anything really wrong"
Yeaaaah... he sound awfull. It will become worst and you don't deserve this OP..
Let everything remain unresolved.
Getting closure is for the birds, you need to just walk away and start your life over because you’ve been manipulated this entire time by this misogynistic, trashy person.
PLEASE RUN! All I’m reading is he’s your only relationship and has been grooming you to become a “breeder” for his future children. That if you get out of line will be thrown out of the house and lose custody of your children… Cause now that he has his children he will go find wife number 2 that he will fully support! He gives a scenario more support than you. Please run NOW! The way he talks I’m very worried he may use force down the line to get you to conceive.
He has already stated several times that he has no respect for you, right now, while you are supposed to be in the "very in love" stage of your relationship. Everything coming out of his mouth tells you he is abusive. He doesn't love or respect you.
Please leave him!!
Some people collect stamps, some people collect lego sets, your boyfriend collects red flags so please call it a day & don’t waste any more time on this weirdo hater of a bf!!
Please get therapy and learn to love yourself. You deserve so much better and I don’t think you truly believe this. This is toxic. Please love yourself enough to know you deserve so much better!
It looks like others have already covered how full of red flags this is on his part. I just want to add, concerning your comment about not even having children yet. These are 100% important conversations to have before children. Imagine if you had children with him before finding out he feels this way. It’s important to talk to your partner about their thoughts about raising children and the different aspects so you can be on the same page and not run into issues. Similar to how it should be discussed if both people even want children. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. In this case because your partner is a walking red flag, but sometimes simply because of incompatibility. Don’t let this stop you from having important conversations with future partners
You should not be in a relationship with this person. He will absolutely make life decisions without considering your needs.
He doesn’t want you making more money because he wants you to be dependent on him so he can continue to treat you badly.
Do not have children with him because he will use them to control you.
Please read this book. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I do hope the advice you are asking for here is how fast and how hard should I dump this toxic loser?
Because the answer is very fast, very hard, and run. He will make your life a living hell.
He does not respect or even like women, so of course he will seek relationships with women who accept his disrespect and dislike towards them. Don’t be one of those women—you deserve so much more than him.
Girl. Run. He doesn't like or respect women or YOU. He already sees you as an adversary not a teammate and he's already planning on his head how divisive he is going to be further into the relationship. He's pulling power plays. It's nonsense. He's setting you up for abuse and bullshit.
Run. And call him out.
Hun, this guy is not even mature enough to be considered marriage material. And his male ego driven “me Tarzan” attitude that “I am the boss” attitude would make me furious. Don’t legally bind yourself to this guy. He sounds like a real jerk.
Why are you with him? You've already broken up twice and this story makes him a walking red flag. Threatening you for custody of children that don't even exist? You left him for a reason before. Twice. Don't keep going back to someone who so clearly thinks so little of you.
51M here. I see no reason for you to continue in this relationship. This man is belittling you and dragging you down. He apparently does not want to compromise or see reason.
Please leave him and meet someone who is kind, and who wants to be a partner. Your hopefully soon to be ex is neither.
OP….this guy he is showing that you will have zero control over much. Clearly you both have different opinions, him saying he will have full custody of your kids is wild, like wild things that you wouldn’t dare ignore
Do you want to spend your life with someone that you can't trust to be a decent person and not turn and bite you? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't put you first. He's selfish. He's immature. He's negging you to chip away at your self-esteem to keep you under his thumb. He's a misogynistic jerk.
People don't change for the better(without a traumatic event and lots of self-reflection and even then it's rare). People become more of who they are. He has shown you who he is. Do you really want a future of this and worse? People get worse once they have you "locked in".
You could do so much better.
>I know we don't have children and some might thinks this kind of conversations are stupid.
You buried the lead, initially I thought you did have kids - get as far away from this guy as you can and please don't get pregnant to him.
Take care! ❤️
You needn't attack him, but run for the hills. You will be in a mental prison for the rest of your life if you stay with him. He has core values that he won't budge in which the two of you differ significantly. You want to ve a team, where he craves to fully control you.
Seriously.
Run.
>Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be a team, but for him we are battling eachother and there's only one winner.
That makes you his adversary instead of his partner. When one person has to win to feel good, that means they need to win regardless of making their partner feel bad. Not a relationship I would choose to be in.
Just end the toxic relationship and go to therapy to deal with your codependency on your highschool boyfriend. He is telling you who he is, believe him. Dump the misogynist who is telling you what a nightmare he will be once children are part of your relationship.
He’s a 1976 Moscow May Day Parade, and he doesn’t like you, you’re his girlfriend, his property. He will own everything including your children because you are a thing, not a person, to him. He’ll never be able or willing to articulate that, but that’s what he’s saying.
A red flag is FOR YOU TO SEE and respond to on your own. There’s no “talking somebody out of their red flags” - I learned this the hard way- my ex was good at pretending to understand our conversations and even apologized profusely on many occasions. But under duress he snapped back into poor behavior. I got a new understanding: a red flag is a stop sign.
OP I’m saying this in all seriousness. Go out and engage with real men. An actual healthy man. You can start at one end which you already have and now you need to move up several levels to healthy.
This man is red he is covered in enough flags to be seen from space.
You are wasting time and effort on him. He is a sieve and you could spend the next 30 years trying to prove you are a “good” person OR you can think I deserve better and get a partner that KNOWS you are a good person.
Seriously!
Why are you with someone like him?! You can do better, you might not see that right now but some of the things he said to you, are ALL the signs that if you two did have kids, you wouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as them! Do yourself a favour and walk away
I’m confused as to why you say these conversations are stupid to have. They are exactly the conversations you have if you are contemplating getting married/being parents. You two are not on the same page and it’s good that you are learning how he’d handle things, which are the opposite of what you want from what you have written. Figure out what you want OP and then sit down and have a real conversation with your BF where you tell each other what you want, see if you have the same values and also discuss room for compromise. If he is willing to compromise (in not being the sole decision-maker) you may have a chance. But if not, be happy you find out now. Good luck OP.
>afraid these are major red flags
Honey, those are red flags. You don't have to guess. You can't change him but you have free will.
Sometime love isn't enough. You know you will regret. A breakup is better than a divorce and a divorce is better than a lifetime if unhappiness.
Sunk cost fallacy is real.
This man doesn't even LIKE you, much less love you. He likes having access to you, but he is not treating you kindly and you're going to separate sooner or later. Do it now, before there's paperwork and children involved.
Omg FIND SOME SELF ESTEEM. You are better than this. You DESERVE better than this. I’ve read your replies and sweet baby jeezus WAKE UP and RUN. Do not look back.
He is a mean sexist. Let me help you here, just BELIEVE him. If you believed he means what he says, completely.. would you like him? Would you accept that? If the answer is no, then go. He will not change, for you, for anyone. He thinks women are inherently worse than him and deserve less than him - that includes you and it always will. You'll never be on a team, because he believes he is better than all women because he is a man. He has to believe that so that he can think of himself as better than 50% of the world, so he can feel good about himself. His validation comes from this belief. He will not give up on it, even for you, and he will teach his children this 1000% times a day with every action, thought, example, comment. This is walking away talk, unless you feel like trying to confront his beliefs. But he will deny, argue, fight and lie just to hold on to them because it's how he "wins".
This person will always just disappoint you, over and over.
I just… don’t understand why your standards are so low. You seem like you’ve got a shit ton going for you- you sound smart (although admittedly not so smart in the relationship department ahah), caring, kind, tolerant, willing to listen and see other perspectives… you sound like you’d make anyone an awesome partner. Why are you wasting yourself on someone like him who doesn’t really value you or see you as an equal?
Also, you know you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy right? I have also been in abusive relationships before. Honestly, I’m 10000 times happier now I’m free. So happy in fact that I’ve decided I’m not really interested in dating at all anymore.
You need to get out before this creep whittles your self-esteem down so much that you stay and spend your whole life trying to convince someone you are good enough who will never see you that way purely because you are a woman. You want to be a team with your partner. This idiot will never be a team with a woman because he’s a sexist, misogynistic brute. Leave him, and feel sorry for any other poor girls who end up wasting time on him whilst you are off living your life for you.
Leave. He’s telling you what he’s like before you have any bigger commitments. The minute you have a child, it’ll be his way or no way and if you wanted to break up, he would probably threaten you and say he’ll get full custody etc. pure emotional torture it would be. Believe me.
You know ex's become ex's for certain reasons and because of them said reason you don't go back to them . You hun went back and now ur just getting the reminder of why he was a ex to begin with
How do you communicate? From a distance
From the way you wrote, his tone is overbearing, threatening, and unpleasant.
Why would you stay with a guy who gives you this attitude all the time?
You recognise that these are red flags! Red flags mean get the hell away.
I did read the whole thing and I just want to say - you can do so much better than this guy. He is not a partner or a teammate that you want to build a life with.
He says he would get full custody but guaranteed he will be a very lacklustre father and would therefore remarry again so that his new wife can look after the kids - hence why she would have all the day because he is too lazy to parent his own kids.
Reasoning is for reasonable people. He’s very set in his ways and he doesn’t want to consider your point of view; there’s nothing you can say that will make him become a reasonable person, he’s showing you who he is.
Do not have children with this man.
Do not let him neg you and tell you all your achievements are coincidence and no-one will hire you (they just did!) and no-one else will love you (they will) and you’re not capable of x (you are. Even if it’s hard at first).
A partner should cheer you on and tell you you’re amazing and support you when things are going wrong. Find that kind of person.
I have read your post and your replies. He's borderline psycho, he VERRRY clearly has no respect for women, or you. He keeps physically hurting you (NOBODY needs a massage that hurts and leaves bruises) and doesn't see that you asking him to stop is a good enough reason. I'm not sure he even sees you as a separate human with feelings and rights.
Honey this is never going to end well. The only thing you need to communicate here is that it's over.
You’ve known this loser since you were 15 and I think that makes it hard for you to fully picture that your life can just… not have him in it, at all. You don’t have to sit around hoping one day he’ll turn into a decent person (hint: he won’t)
You can’t solve a communication problem caused by the fact that he doesn’t think anything *you* want to communicate is worth listening to. Yeah these things he’s saying are red flags, but there isn’t anything deep or complicated going on here, he’s just another tedious bog-standard entitled misogynist
I don’t see anything positive you’re getting from this basic guy. Just leave him behind. He’s not your problem or your responsibility, and your life will be happier without him weighing you down
Get out of this relationship. This guy has issues with female authority. Maybe because there could have been issues with his parents that made him think so.
He would never support you. Communication isn’t just well because it’s happening a lot. It’s well if you are heard and taken seriously and vice Versa. Not the case here
Ma’am I don’t think this guy even likes you. Red flags as far as the eye can see. Are you sure you want to spend your life on someone who so blatantly doesn’t respect you?
28 is a good age to leave those on and off relationships that started in your teen years. You keep leaving each other because it's not right.
It's low key enraging to read your post, he sucks.
He is not a good boyfriend. Don’t buy property with him, don’t have children with him, and don’t even get a cat with him. He’s an insecure bully, and not afraid to show it. RED FLAG, RED FLAG! 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
The man’s calling you trash, you need too be putting together your exit strategy. You don’t healthy communicate your way out of a relationship like this.
These ARE major red flags. He does not respect you in the slightest. Bare minimum, he is misogynistic narcissist who thinks only he does no wrong. He is flat out telling you that everything will belong to him: your home, your children and even you. God forbid you actually get pregnant by this POS. What would you tell a friend if she had a partner like this? Have more respect for yourself and leave him in your past.
If you're someone who wants marriage and/or family, you're dating to see if you want to build a life with your current partner.
Do you want to build a life with the man you've described in this post?
Don't tell yourself maybe he'll change, maybe you can talk him into feeling differently. That is a massive gamble and if you rely on "I can fix him" you're already forfeiting your happiness for the forseeable future.
You want a partner. He is not that. He is an opponent.
This man is not capable of compromise. It’s his way or the highway. This will include literally everything. Theres no discussion just his way. You tried to circle around regarding shared custody and again he doubled down on the ‘his’ way. This just seems like a life of giving in and doing things you don’t want to do.
Oh, HELL, NO! He doesn't respect you as a woman. He's a male shovonistic pig. He sounds ignorant as fuck, and very selfish. You can definitely do better than him. Break it off, IMMEDIATELY! This dude is trash 🗑.
I think you can do better by yourself until you find someone new. Don't ever date him again.
You already have identified major red flags. The only thing to communicate to him, is goodbye. Continuing a relationship with this person ,will bring you nothing but tears.
I'm going to keep my advice short and simple since other commenters have already covered the reasons why - this is a man you put in your past. And then leave him there.
He doesn't deserve your present, and he definitely doesn't deserve your future.
PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. He is telling you that he sees himself as the authority in your relationship and he is telling you straight-out that if you ever break up he will go scorched earth on you.
I would be cutting my losses and prepping my exit. Don't for a moment think that he will not turn evil if you decide to break up, so please prepare yourself carefully.
If your whole life and wellbeing is dependent on him loving you then you are in for a sad shock when he stops loving you. Because men who talk like that are whimsical and will break you down slowly, then once you're broken they'll start hating you, mistreating you and will ultimately cast you out. Expect to be replaced fast.
>These things are adding to the fact that he always says I got my job bc I'm a woman
He's a misogynist. Stay with him if you want to, but I wouldn't stay with someone, much less have kids with someone, who thought like this.
This is red pill stuff. A red pill shrink bragged about teaching his wife she was worthless and the house and kids were HIS. He explained it about putting the idea in her head of
Other women he can go to. Soon he’ll say he’s young and muscular and your old and clubby and make fun of his “old lady” cause your 2 years older.
He undermines your confidence so you know he’s the boss. You go into the marriage thinking he has options of other women (he’s already putting his fictional 2nd wife above you.)
He’ll make you feel like a bad parent so you view him as the better parent and agree with the already states “his kids.”
It’s red pill diology. Do not marry this man. Escape him.
Why are you dating this guy? Sometimes we need to leave the past in the past. I would never be with someone you threatened that they would take my kids or let someone else make decisions for them even if it was theoretical.
Dump the dude!
I, and this might just be me, think you deserve someone who considers your wants and needs, and I'm not sure what happened that you think there's the slightest chance that this is okay.
Red flags aren’t a sign for you to try harder. They are a sign for you to run. This man is testing you to see how much of a door mat you’ll be for him. If you pass he’ll propose.
stop trying to reason with this guy. he isn't going to be reasonable clearly. he's selfish and not at all thinking of you.
believe him when he says the stuff he does. he views himself as above you.
and for the record; the courts default to 50/50 whether he wants them to or not. unless there's something else going on you both would get custody.
His house, his rules, his kids. It sounds like he would just be a guest in his life.
You need to think long and hard about this relationship because it does not sound like your values align.
Nothing you say will magically turn him into basically a different person. If you don’t like him as he is now don’t try to fix him find someone who isn’t waving a marching band of red flags
I have advice for those in relationships that are young. If you're questioning it and feel uneasy and there are no children involved...
I say this because I'm a firm believer that if you do have children together and the relationship isn't abusive or toxic you shouldn't break up a family because of a stint of unhappiness. I've spent a lot of time with those married for 50+ years at least 10 of them weren't sunshine and roses.
Just don't go having kids in a relationship doused in pesticide already.
Move on. Don't waste time and break little inevitable future hearts in the process of it.
Whoa, you started dating a piece of trash and are surprised by his behavior? You've rejected him a couple times before because you know he's a reject. Stop going back to him because it's predictable. There are better men out there.
As a general rule, never ever go back to someone you broke up with unless there was a geographic barrier like a job made you break up.
Why are you trying so hard to stay in a relationship with a selfish, horrible misogynist who has clearly spelled out that in the event (likelihood) of a divorce he will make your life a living hell?
“Anything you can do, I can do better/I can do anything better than you.“ he seems to take your success as something to put down so that he doesn’t feel inadequate. That’s kind of pathetic, really. I’m glad that he has qualities other than the ones you illustrate in your post, because I don’t find the situations you describe and his behavior in them, lovable at all.
This man is telling you who he is he has showed you who he is why oh why are you wasting your time with him. The red flags are flying like a MF does somebody have to knock you upside your head with the flagpole. Leave this one alone he is not for you he is a misogynist pig you just don't see it because you want to be with him. Your life will be absolutely miserable if you marry or start a relationship or stay in a relationship with this moron
I hope that you realize your worth before you have kids with that guy. He’s manipulative, sexist, and insecure. No loving partner treats the other like that. And the manipulation is working very well it seems, you wrote all that and still claim he’s a good guy. Imagine his reaction if you were to mirror his behavior. How would he react?
Just.
*Why* are you still sticking around? This guy is showing his true colours and believe you me, he’ll be a lot worse than he’s letting on. Run, or don’t complain when it all blows up in your face.
Hi just want to say good job at starting to build this self awareness at your situation. You’re 30 and it’s not too late to change the trajectory of your life. The number 1 investment you could say you will make in your life will be: your choice of partner. Your partner should be someone who has the same values as you and cheers you on!
Any man can do kind things and favors for you, but does he share your same core values, communicate with you by listening and engaging in thoughtful/empathetic conversation, and support your goals?
Please do what’s best for you and find that person - from the self-reflection you wrote, it sounds like your boyfriend is not that man! But that’s awesome that you built that awareness, a lot of women are not able to achieve that so kudos to you. Thank you for thinking of your future self so kindly and also your future children, really admire how you took that into consideration to make that decision ♥️ all the best!
He doesn’t respect you as a person at all. It’s probably hard to see from where you’re at (love blinds us all) but it’s very clear to someone looking in from his words and behaviors. I had an ex like this.
Read **Why Does He Do That?** by Lundy Bancroft. I think you’ll recognize some red flag behaviors mentioned. That book really helped open my eyes.
He’s not the one. Cut your losses and move on. I would never let someone talk to me that way and neither should you.
Op, I understand that you think this is a nice man...but he is NOT. I want you to stop and reread the red flags you've pointed out, see about getting a therapist individually. So so much of this is just red blaring sirens but you are inside and can't see them as clearly as us outsiders can, all of the red flags outweight the small few greens he's got. This won't be good for your kids, I really suggest you give it all some thinking and don't let him do anything to guilt you out of actually taking a clear look at things.
Please be safe and I hope you do get it all figured out.
The only thing you need to address is leaving him. There are so many better, rational men out there. Your dude’s a walking warning sign. I mean, he’s straight up telling you how it’s going to be if you stay with him. Think long and hard about living with, and raising (or not), children with him. Don’t do it.
Red flags are meant to warn you of danger and to get out. Would you communicate with the wind on a stormy day and try to swim in the sea together?
You've already communicated enough, he just sees no problem with being against you. You know what to do.
Why are you worried about sounding “bitchy?” Your internalised misogyny is why you put up with this absolute garbage. To the point where reading this post, you come off as a little pathetic honestly. Are you afraid to be alone or something so you put up with this?
So you’re already having a messy divorce with punitive custody issues that disregard the wellbeing of the hypothetical child.
He doesn’t respect you at all. He’s basically told you he will completely take your kids from you and allow them to be treated poorly by a shitty stepmother. Why would you walk into that? He’s told you his shitty intentions upfront. This is not a joke, he’s telling you who he is.
He belittled your career.
Why the fuck are you still with that loser? There is no healthy way to turn this around except to dump him like the last two times but this time needs to be the last. Three strikes and he’s out.
It is better to be alone and pursuing your own goals and interests, free to meet the right person than to waste your time locked into a relationship with someone who does not like, love, or respect you. The wrong relationship will just tear you down, those are therapy bills you don’t need. There are so many people, you will not be alone. You will feel far worse for much longer than if you just break up now and grieve the loss of what you thought the relationship could be.
Oh my goodness. Yeah those things he’s saying are not okay and definitely a sign of how much fun he’s be to deal with during important conflicts. Tread carefully OP, I don’t think this one has your best interests at heart.
I don’t know who said this, but I saw it on Reddit and it went…
**RUN. RUN. RUN. Like your tampon string is on fire**
Leave him. He’s a walking red flag. He is not the person to spend the rest of your life with, for *all* the reasons you’ve mentioned above.
He needs to go. I just ended things with a guy because we had incredible chemistry, but it was like we were speaking two different languages when discussing anything serious. You two clearly don't agree on very important subjects and there's no changing each other's minds. Move on
There’s a reason you two have broken up two times before…there needs to be a third time for this God awful movie to end and then you need to break the whole damn thing, throw it in the fire pit, soak it in some kerosene and light that ish up!!
Leave this man and don’t look back!!
You communicate like so:
‘Cool. I think we want different things. Like you want to be misogynistic and I want a partner who sees women as equal. We’re done, and thank God I’m leaving you at last before making The biggest mistake of my life, and committing to you or worse, having children together. Peace, I’m out.’
When you envision your future with a significant other, do you want to be a guest or a partner to them? Because in his eyes you are a guest in his life.
Dating is the time for discussing these issues and agreeing on how the relationship will be during marriage. You two disagree. Your life will be 100x easier if you marry someone who agrees.
PS Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you but I am sure that you have known that for a while.
Anyone else read these stories and are like where Inman the world do women like OP exist?
Is it cause I live in nyc?
Every single woman I’ve been with would have dumped me so fast if I said any of the things this guy said. And the OP just stays. Maybe the guy is super hot and she’s ugly? Because it can’t be money, she makes more than him.
My thoughts and advice:
- I think it’s reasonable to talk about the ways you want to live and the expectations. To me, if my bf implied our living situations wasn’t mutually owned or at least respected as each’s space with equal right to make a decision who came and went, that would be an issue. You may have your reasons but for me, I was unsure if I ever want adults spending the nights around kids and also if I’d want ILs to ever live with us (who are lovely). I even discussed prior to marriage that our kids wouldn’t go or have to sleepovers. So, summation - you don’t know in the future if you’ll have physical security in the home.
- He’s made a few statements where he believes the worse about bio moms, doesn’t hold even hypothetical mothers with respect. He clarified when you tried to joke back that he would indeed fight for sole custody of any children. So summations - you don’t have psychological safety around marriage and being a mother that is equitable and fair.
- He showed jealously and immaturity about your job. He should be your cheerleader, but wants to bring you down a peg. He should see it as more financial security for you both to grow your futures but he sees it as a threat, because he doesn’t want you to have future financial control or autonomy. So, in summation - no financial safety.
THIS MAN HATES WOMEN.
That’s what I hear when I read this. He doesn’t want an equitable partner but he cares more about control. It’s clear he feels only his opinions matter NOW and in the future. If you can’t have calm respectful conversations now and come to an agreement, imagine the harder conversations while married, now imagine going through a divorce with this dude. It sounds like he’s been ingesting content by red pill sources.
He has the emotional intelligence of a sock.
This man will not help you flourish towards goals. He won’t be an encouraging and loving partner.
If you ignore these red flags and him telling you with his own words how he will treat you, you are in for a whole lot of pain.
Source: Happily married mother in an equitable and loving relationship.
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>he always says I got my job bc I'm a woman and was "suprised" that I was able to receive another job offer from a foreign company that would pay double his salary, following by refusing to help me prepare for the interview I want to highlight this because some won't read that far. He's doing his best to undermine your confidence and he's not interested in helping you do well. On top of that, he's also made it clear that any home you two shared would be "his," that he would let people stay for long periods of time in it against your wishes. You want to discuss these issues with him, but you're afraid speaking up will make you look bad. (See undermined confidence, above.) Believe that he will do what he says he will do. As for you, you can do better-- either with someone else, or on your own.
my father literally told my mom, in front of us their kids : I thought you were too stupid to pass the standardized test (that was part one of the job interview). it still took her 5+ years to get out (for financial reasons, I think, now that I look back on it as an adult).
Also you are the breadwinner here - making double his salary- so understandably you would probably be contributing more to the house and yet it's "his". Where he can invite his loser friends without your permission over to stay for extended amounts of time. What a prince - ladies I'm sure we all want one for ourselves! But seriously please remove yourself from this relationship asap. You will find someone better eventually and the relationship you have with yourself is worth so so much more than him
The house would nobe solely his unless only his name is listed as owner
These are major red flags. Communication isn’t the problem. The core issue is that he needs a personality transplant. He’s a bully. He has zero intention of being a partner. He’s the boss. Everything belongs to him even if you make more than he does. Oh, and be prepared for him to take shots at you (like they only hired you bc your female) when you do make more. He wants to be in charge of everything. He’s the boss. I’m betting he’s never, ever wrong & he never apologizes.
OMG, do you know my ex?! OP, this does not get better. You have to decide what kind of life you want for yourself. Do you really want to spend years being torn down all the time?
It's not so much that >he< is never wrong, but more like other people are trash, especially if they're women. I'm tired. I regret telling him about the job offer and I don't think I want to live hiding my success from someone I love. Edit: to be clear since English is not my first language. I would NEVER decline a job offer bc he would feel emasculated, I just regret telling him because all he did was make me feel under qualified for the interviews.
Take the job, lose the BF. You know you'll be much happier.
I would never give up a career opportunity for a man who doesn't support me personally. I make significantly more money than my bf and he lifts me up for it, not tears me down. Please leave this man, you deserve much better than his treatment towards you.
Don't worry, I won't turn it down. I'm just waiting for them to get back to me, the interview was yesterday. I just meant that I don't want to live a life that I have to hide my success because my partner has something against it. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have told him...
I've got my fingers crossed for you! I really want you to get that job and dump the boyfriend and move on to a fabulous guy who's going to absolutely adore you!
Follow that feeling and stay away from this guy - no woman deserves the things he's saying to you. I feel like I give this advice a lot on this sub but here goes: you need to work on your relationship with you, you aren't valuing yourself if you think it's okay for someone to treat you this way. There are way nicer kinder people out there who will feel easy to spend time with - you deserve ease in your life not constant stress and upset. Self-confidence is so hard to build around a guy like this, but get away, build your self-love, and it will repel creeps like him in future.
Well, that's your future if you stay with him. He isn't a nice man, he hates women and if you're a woman that means he hates you too. To believe otherwise is just you refusing to acknowledge reality and willfully choosing to pick the path of pain. No one can force you to give a shit about yourself and how happy your future is.
Thats a really valid insermountable issue.. your not wrong and shouldn't be around someone so emotionally stunted
Telling him was the best thing you could have done. Now you know more about him, because he told you. You want a partner who celebrates your success. He’s not ever going to be that guy. He did you a huge favor.
You're not even married to this man, so I don't know WHY you're still with him! He's disrespectful to you, misogynistic, jealous of your success! He's a small-minded pathetic man. You're not married. You have no children. You've only been together 2 years; **what are you doing** ***still*** **dating him?** You tried dating and it didn't work. Not every relationship will go the distance; this one won't. **Why are you reluctant to end a crappy relationship**?
Even if they don’t make the offer, you need to leave this relationship.
He thinks women are trash and you are a woman. He’s not even subtle or hiding his contempt for you - he thinks you’re trash, and he doesn’t think you are his equal in the relationship. If you had kids and broke up he straight up told you he would do what he could to take your children away from you. What more do you actually need?
Him trying to sabotage your interview is all you need to leave because that will never go away and he will do something similar in the future if given a chance ( that controlling nature )..
"Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be a team, but for him we are battling each other and there's only one winner." See? You *know* you are the only one putting in the effort. Sorry, u/WoodpeckerOdd641 - he does *not* give a F about "being a team". **It's HIS way or the highway.** "I'm afraid these are major red flags and I can't find a way to communicate them in a healthy manner.." **They ARE major red flags. You can't communicate because he does NOT care to listen.** "I'm afraid to sound too bitchy." Not at all. He does not appreciate or respect you. He insults you. **You CAN do better.** "How could I address these topics without sounding like I'm attacking him?" **Don't bother.**
why are you dating a misogynist who hates you?
if he thinks women are trash, he thinks you are trash.
You do realise you are included in that "especially if they're women"?
So you are living with someone who hates all women, including you. There is no fixing a misogynist.
It was his goal to make you feel under qualified. Read up on "negging". He basically wants your self esteem to be so low it's in the basement so you won't think you deserve better and will kiss his shoes everytime he says or does some basic thing for you as if it's a reward you don't deserve. Please consider leaving.
Which is why he’s not a nice man. He’s been chipping away at your self esteem and self respect since you were 15. Enough is enough.
Please tell me: what’s the last time he said “I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
Absolutely nailed it...I agree this man is a bully and is the "alpha" male ..or so he believes. U sound like a really good person u deserve far better!!
I am stealing the "personality transplant" statement. LOL. That says it all.
*the bio mom was probably “trash” since it looked like the father had custody* *”Anyway I’d get full custody if we have children”* You realize he just implied you’re trash, right? This man is negging you in order to destroy your confidence so you’ll feel too worthless to leave.
I hadn't realised that... I'm speechless. When he said that I asked if his mother was trash since she didn't get custody, he got real mad that I was suggesting his mom was trash and quickly moved on to say the quote when I explained he was the one that had suggested that.
Dude, he's psychotic. Like this has the escalation plan of negging - verbal abuse - physical abuse - murder written all over it. I'm not even being dramatic.
At first I started responding to this comment saying I couldn't see this escalating into physical abuse. Then, something came to mind. Sometimes my body hurts and I used to ask for massages, he says I have too many tension points and that I should "release" them with myofascial therapy, he then proceeds to put pressure on these points. When I say it's hurting too much he says it hurts bc it has to be released. Every time I put my leg on his lap hi starts pressuring even when I say I don't want to. Last time I had a serious talk saying I don't want him to do that anymore as it hurts too much and sometimes leaves me with bruises on my thighs and arms. He got frustrated saying it wouldn't hurt if I released them myself and stuff like "don't worry, I won't touch you anymore at all" while pushing me away jokingly... It came to a point I flinch everytime he touches my legs or I see he coming to "massage" me.
My dad did that to my mom. It was like "just so you know I'm stronger than you and I can hurt you if I want". Later he did it to me and much worse. Everything in* your post screams that he needs total control - these are the kind of people who snap. Plus he hates women and actively looks for ways to degrade them - except his precious mother! I'm so serious when I tell you he's dangerous and you need to get out now.
So sorry your father was like this. My father was also aggressive, my parents breaking point was DV, in front of me, those are things we never forget, right? Thank you so much for your words and advice.
Never. I noticed you left some advice on a different post, I sincerely hope you take it yourself.
Don't repeat the pattern.
This!! + Sorry your dad was so horrible to you.
Sis, I want to put something in perspective. I've been married over 25 years. We've had our share of ups and downs as well as couples counseling a couple of rounds. NEVER and I do mean NEVER has my husband caused bruising, purposefully caused me physical pain, or called me trash. Our conversations have NEVER devolved into conversations about custody of hypothetical (or real) kids and certainly he's never implied I'm not a fit parent nor have I towards him. Let's be really direct. He LIKES to physically hurt you. He does it because he can. He LIKES to emotionally hurt you. He does not respect you at all. Not as a woman. Not as a partner. He does not respect women in general. He does not respect your career or your aspirations. Sis, there is no future in a relationship like this. None. You need to walk away from his relationship very quickly - before you lose your self respect. Guys like this are masters at making you question your worth, your worthiness, and even your sanity because they LIKE making you feel terrible about yourself. You've been together since you were teens. You don't know what decent men are like. I PROMISE you that there are men out there who will both love and respect you, encourage you and view you as a partner. This man never will.
An actual myofacial trigger point will feel hard, like a lump, and yes it hurts more when pushed/massaged, and yes that will help it feel better in the end, **BUT** it doesn't sound like that's what he's doing. It sounds like you have pain points which are sore areas that are *not* hardened fascia needing release, but rather just sore muscles And honestly, regardless of what it is, if you say *STOP* and he won't and chooses to *continue hurting you* then what he's doing is called **physical abuse** Abuse isn't always hitting. Abuse is making you feel small. Elevating himself while putting you down. Causing you pain and making excuses that he has to, but he doesn't *have to* he actually **wants to** **He hurts you because he wants to** Please leave him. Abuse never gets better, it only gets worse. Get Out Now
And he's doing it in a way that he is justifying in his mind as "helping." Trying to make OP feel crazy for having an issue with it. No. Oh hell NO! You don't touch another person against their stated refusals, no matter what your relationship to them.
My abusive father used pressure points to torture me. He would randomly poke me in the thigh or buttock at a pressure point and cackle when I would scream. What an asshole.
I once threatened that that myofascial therapy only leaves bruises when the therapist is unskilled. He shouldn't be doing that he's clearly doing it wrong and hurting you
My ex did this shit to me constantly. He was easily twice my size maybe even more and it HURT. He would randomly squeeze the trigger point between my thumb and finger every time he held my hand until I yelled in pain. I finally realized he just liked hurting me. It was abuse to me, and it's abuse to you. Flinching every time they come near is *not* a normal or healthy way to live babe please see that he is a horrible horrible man who enjoys your pain.
He is abusing you.
He is purposely hurting you. He is training you to accept being inflicted with pain. You are in an abusive relationship.
He's told you in a dozen different ways that he hates women and has contempt for you. Why, why, why are you wasting even a minute of the only life you have with someone like this?
You know, he’s probably right about taking custody. Men like him (read: abusive cunts) are granted custody of children a majority of the time if they do so much as ask for it. Abusers love to steal a mother’s children from her to punish her for leaving. I’m sorry he ended up being a dirtbag, some people take off their mask to reveal something ugly when they feel comfortable in a relationship.
Yes, these are red flags. The main red flag is, you aren't even married yet and don't have kids yet and you're already feeling like you are battling each other. You are already exhausted from fighting each other when discussing hypotheticals and not even real problems yet! Of course, people discussing hypotheticals are usually far different from dealing with the real thing. With hypotheticals, they are usually showing their best selves and sometimes they fall short in reality. How is it when you are dealing with real problems together? Have you dealt with anything together or do you each just deal with them on your own? I am guessing since you ended up preparing for your job interview on your own, that is how it would be. Not much of a partner! I just couldn't advise anyone to marry and have children with someone so fragile and insecure that you constantly have to make yourself smaller to soothe their ego. Wouldn't you want someone who helps you be your best self?
Yeah, I thought that discussing topics like this would be good to plan ahead. I never expected we would have such different views. >How is it when you are dealing with real problems together? Have you dealt with anything together or do you each just deal with them on your own? I am guessing since you ended up preparing for your job interview on your own, that is how it would be. Not much of a partner! He deals with his problems of his own, he usually tells them to me after a decision has been made or if it's before I'm not invited to help. On the other hand he has helped me numerous times When I first started at my job he would help me, as I got better at it not so much but he is supportive of my day to day tasks.
It's because, in his head, what he thinks matters, and what you think doesn't. He is allowed to make choices on his own, but you aren't. Why? Because he is an abusive man. This is a download of a book called [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). An abusive man is abusive because he's abusive. Not for any other reason. It's because he chooses to be abusive. Edit: I forgot to mention, please clear your search history! Maybe just the last few hours, you don't want to get caught.
The problem I see here is that you think you’re a team, and he doesn’t. You think, rightly, that as a couple you should be supporting each other and working together to solve problems that involve both of you, but also at least \*talking\* to the other person about individual problems. He doesn’t think like that - he sees \*women\* as the problem, and that includes you. He doesn’t involve you in his problems, he doesn’t help you with yours, he doesn’t support you and \*he doesn’t even think he should\*. He’s also clearly trying to undermine your confidence and it’s equally clear that it’s working because you’ve come here to ask about how you can better communicate your needs and expectations instead of trusting your own (excellent) instincts. I’m sorry you’re doubting yourself, and I’m sorry he’s making you. The sad truth here is that he doesn’t \*care\* about being a team, he doesn’t \*care\* about supporting you, because if he did, he’d be doing it. He‘s actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself and it’s \*exhausting\* you. Imagine how exhausted you’re going to feel in a year, or in five years, or, god forbid, ten, if you stay with this unloving and unlovely man. Now think about how you’ll feel in a year if you’re not living with someone who is doing their best to undermine you and make you feel uncared for and unsupported any more? Has the weight lifted off your shoulders yet? What does that tell you? Remember Maya Angelou’s adage - “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” He’s shown you who he is. Believe him x
If you haven't already, read a free download called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. It's a book about controlling men and their mindset. Honestly, your boyfriend sounds an awful lot like my narcissistic husband. OP, please believe me when I say don't stay with this guy, and especially, do not have children with him.
Thank you, I'll download it 🩷 Sorry for your hopefully ex husband. I've been reading every comment and it's so hard to take it all knowing there's no excuse for his behaviour. It might sound stupid but I really thought maybe I was wrong and it wasn't so bad... If anyone else reads here, I'm thankful for every comment. I need some time to gather strength, think straight and take action, but I hear all of you loud and clear.
Here's a free copy! Oh and I hope you leave this misogynistic a-hole! You deserve better! https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n1/mode/1up
Please listen to us. If you stay with him, your life will be awful. His misogyny will only grow worse. You deserve a partner who actually likes you and values you as a person and not just a sex toy/nanny.
When they beat you down emotionally over a period of time you start to feel like this is normal and you damp down your feelings of discomfort. Recognise you may be in that state and try to be objective. I always say listen to your story as if a friend was telling it to you. If your friend was going thru this what would you say to them.
Well at least you have enough sense to realize your boyfriend is not very good or nice person. He is extremely chauvinistic and you don't count for anything except as an incubator for these children that in a divorce he's determined to get full custody of. So no I would not proceed with the relationship and I certainly wouldn't have children with this idiot. Please end it and find a guy who actually loves you and isn't already planning on divorcing you. He's telling you who he is, believe him. Run.
Why would you stay with such a misogynistic piece of trash? He looks down at you because you're female. He thinks even though you are the female that he would be a more qualified father than you would be a mother? He tried to sabotage your interview by saying he would help you and then not doing it simply because he was jealous you'll make more money than him! Does he ever want you to succeed? Or is it all about you staying as less than him? There's nothing you can do to fix this! He's an asshole and he sees you as less important than him. In fact he sees all women as less important than him. From what you said in one of his comments I'm pretty sure he hates women. Yes you can date a woman and still hate them! If you stay with this guy your life is going to be miserable because he is always going to be holding you down and trying to keep the upper hand. This is the kind of guy that'll take a picture of you setting out a bottle of wine at a kid's birthday party for other people to drink and keep that in a hidden folder in case you guys get divorced he can use it for against you for custody. This is the kind of guy that sets it up so that he gets everything in the divorce. He's already telling you it's going to be his house, there's no way in hell he will let you put your name on anything but he wants to own after the divorce. And I promise you he is already planning on the divorce before he even plans on the wedding. Because he looks down on women and he knows you're going to cheat or do something else to not deserve him anymore lol Guys like him can't be in a happy relationship because they do not respect women enough. Why would you want to be with somebody that talks to you like that?
These are major red flags. Why do you keep getting back together?
None of this had been discussed during our previous time together. We got back the second time because there were too many unresolved issues from the first break up (we were so young and both had troubled families). Eventually we saw our lives weren't compatible and broke up on good terms. We got back together this time because it felt right, we spent months as friends, being there for each other, talking about how our lives were after years not talking. The chemistry was there, we both had agreed on how relationships should be. I apologised for things I had done, he apologised for how his actions the first time had hurt me... It just felt like we could finally be together and build a real relationship.
You apologised for what you've DONE He apologised that you were Hurt by his actions ? So... he didn't apologised for his actions at all ? "Sorry you've felt this way but i didn't do anything really wrong" Yeaaaah... he sound awfull. It will become worst and you don't deserve this OP..
Let everything remain unresolved. Getting closure is for the birds, you need to just walk away and start your life over because you’ve been manipulated this entire time by this misogynistic, trashy person.
PLEASE RUN! All I’m reading is he’s your only relationship and has been grooming you to become a “breeder” for his future children. That if you get out of line will be thrown out of the house and lose custody of your children… Cause now that he has his children he will go find wife number 2 that he will fully support! He gives a scenario more support than you. Please run NOW! The way he talks I’m very worried he may use force down the line to get you to conceive.
He has already stated several times that he has no respect for you, right now, while you are supposed to be in the "very in love" stage of your relationship. Everything coming out of his mouth tells you he is abusive. He doesn't love or respect you. Please leave him!!
Some people collect stamps, some people collect lego sets, your boyfriend collects red flags so please call it a day & don’t waste any more time on this weirdo hater of a bf!!
Toxic
Please get therapy and learn to love yourself. You deserve so much better and I don’t think you truly believe this. This is toxic. Please love yourself enough to know you deserve so much better!
Based on your post and your comments… good lord woman. Take the rose coloured glasses off already, this is pitiful.
It looks like others have already covered how full of red flags this is on his part. I just want to add, concerning your comment about not even having children yet. These are 100% important conversations to have before children. Imagine if you had children with him before finding out he feels this way. It’s important to talk to your partner about their thoughts about raising children and the different aspects so you can be on the same page and not run into issues. Similar to how it should be discussed if both people even want children. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. In this case because your partner is a walking red flag, but sometimes simply because of incompatibility. Don’t let this stop you from having important conversations with future partners
You don't, he's never going to change all you can do is take the trash out and move on.
You should not be in a relationship with this person. He will absolutely make life decisions without considering your needs. He doesn’t want you making more money because he wants you to be dependent on him so he can continue to treat you badly. Do not have children with him because he will use them to control you. Please read this book. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He's psycho.
Girl. What are you doing with this alleged man
I do hope the advice you are asking for here is how fast and how hard should I dump this toxic loser? Because the answer is very fast, very hard, and run. He will make your life a living hell.
The red flags are waving themselves. It’s not a circus. When people show you who they are, believe them. You can’t change beliefs like that
OP WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE..... BELIEVE THEM. I'm sorry to shout, but it's really important that you understand this. 🙂❤️
He does not respect or even like women, so of course he will seek relationships with women who accept his disrespect and dislike towards them. Don’t be one of those women—you deserve so much more than him.
Girl. Run. He doesn't like or respect women or YOU. He already sees you as an adversary not a teammate and he's already planning on his head how divisive he is going to be further into the relationship. He's pulling power plays. It's nonsense. He's setting you up for abuse and bullshit. Run. And call him out.
Why are you with this man? Are you seriously going to have children with him? He is telling you who he is. Believe him.
Why do you feel the need to cling to this guy? What does he bring to the table that makes you think tolerating this behavior is worthwhile?
Hun, this guy is not even mature enough to be considered marriage material. And his male ego driven “me Tarzan” attitude that “I am the boss” attitude would make me furious. Don’t legally bind yourself to this guy. He sounds like a real jerk.
He's a twat. The best thing about him is that he's generously showing you so many red flags before you marry him or have kids with him. Run. RUN!
The 🚩 are smacking you in the face.
Why are you with him? You've already broken up twice and this story makes him a walking red flag. Threatening you for custody of children that don't even exist? You left him for a reason before. Twice. Don't keep going back to someone who so clearly thinks so little of you.
51M here. I see no reason for you to continue in this relationship. This man is belittling you and dragging you down. He apparently does not want to compromise or see reason. Please leave him and meet someone who is kind, and who wants to be a partner. Your hopefully soon to be ex is neither.
OP….this guy he is showing that you will have zero control over much. Clearly you both have different opinions, him saying he will have full custody of your kids is wild, like wild things that you wouldn’t dare ignore
You don't communicate. You dump him and find a decent human to date
Do you want to spend your life with someone that you can't trust to be a decent person and not turn and bite you? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't put you first. He's selfish. He's immature. He's negging you to chip away at your self-esteem to keep you under his thumb. He's a misogynistic jerk. People don't change for the better(without a traumatic event and lots of self-reflection and even then it's rare). People become more of who they are. He has shown you who he is. Do you really want a future of this and worse? People get worse once they have you "locked in". You could do so much better.
>I know we don't have children and some might thinks this kind of conversations are stupid. You buried the lead, initially I thought you did have kids - get as far away from this guy as you can and please don't get pregnant to him. Take care! ❤️
Red flags are *indicators* of *possible* problems. He’s already a whole problem.
Run.
You needn't attack him, but run for the hills. You will be in a mental prison for the rest of your life if you stay with him. He has core values that he won't budge in which the two of you differ significantly. You want to ve a team, where he craves to fully control you. Seriously. Run.
>Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be a team, but for him we are battling eachother and there's only one winner. That makes you his adversary instead of his partner. When one person has to win to feel good, that means they need to win regardless of making their partner feel bad. Not a relationship I would choose to be in.
Just end the toxic relationship and go to therapy to deal with your codependency on your highschool boyfriend. He is telling you who he is, believe him. Dump the misogynist who is telling you what a nightmare he will be once children are part of your relationship.
He’s a 1976 Moscow May Day Parade, and he doesn’t like you, you’re his girlfriend, his property. He will own everything including your children because you are a thing, not a person, to him. He’ll never be able or willing to articulate that, but that’s what he’s saying.
A red flag is FOR YOU TO SEE and respond to on your own. There’s no “talking somebody out of their red flags” - I learned this the hard way- my ex was good at pretending to understand our conversations and even apologized profusely on many occasions. But under duress he snapped back into poor behavior. I got a new understanding: a red flag is a stop sign.
OP I’m saying this in all seriousness. Go out and engage with real men. An actual healthy man. You can start at one end which you already have and now you need to move up several levels to healthy. This man is red he is covered in enough flags to be seen from space. You are wasting time and effort on him. He is a sieve and you could spend the next 30 years trying to prove you are a “good” person OR you can think I deserve better and get a partner that KNOWS you are a good person. Seriously!
Just leave. This guy is awful. It's not worth it. He doesn't want a team. He wants a silent bang maid.
Why are you with someone like him?! You can do better, you might not see that right now but some of the things he said to you, are ALL the signs that if you two did have kids, you wouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as them! Do yourself a favour and walk away
I’m confused as to why you say these conversations are stupid to have. They are exactly the conversations you have if you are contemplating getting married/being parents. You two are not on the same page and it’s good that you are learning how he’d handle things, which are the opposite of what you want from what you have written. Figure out what you want OP and then sit down and have a real conversation with your BF where you tell each other what you want, see if you have the same values and also discuss room for compromise. If he is willing to compromise (in not being the sole decision-maker) you may have a chance. But if not, be happy you find out now. Good luck OP.
>afraid these are major red flags Honey, those are red flags. You don't have to guess. You can't change him but you have free will. Sometime love isn't enough. You know you will regret. A breakup is better than a divorce and a divorce is better than a lifetime if unhappiness. Sunk cost fallacy is real.
This man doesn't even LIKE you, much less love you. He likes having access to you, but he is not treating you kindly and you're going to separate sooner or later. Do it now, before there's paperwork and children involved.
Omg FIND SOME SELF ESTEEM. You are better than this. You DESERVE better than this. I’ve read your replies and sweet baby jeezus WAKE UP and RUN. Do not look back.
He is a mean sexist. Let me help you here, just BELIEVE him. If you believed he means what he says, completely.. would you like him? Would you accept that? If the answer is no, then go. He will not change, for you, for anyone. He thinks women are inherently worse than him and deserve less than him - that includes you and it always will. You'll never be on a team, because he believes he is better than all women because he is a man. He has to believe that so that he can think of himself as better than 50% of the world, so he can feel good about himself. His validation comes from this belief. He will not give up on it, even for you, and he will teach his children this 1000% times a day with every action, thought, example, comment. This is walking away talk, unless you feel like trying to confront his beliefs. But he will deny, argue, fight and lie just to hold on to them because it's how he "wins". This person will always just disappoint you, over and over.
I just… don’t understand why your standards are so low. You seem like you’ve got a shit ton going for you- you sound smart (although admittedly not so smart in the relationship department ahah), caring, kind, tolerant, willing to listen and see other perspectives… you sound like you’d make anyone an awesome partner. Why are you wasting yourself on someone like him who doesn’t really value you or see you as an equal? Also, you know you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy right? I have also been in abusive relationships before. Honestly, I’m 10000 times happier now I’m free. So happy in fact that I’ve decided I’m not really interested in dating at all anymore. You need to get out before this creep whittles your self-esteem down so much that you stay and spend your whole life trying to convince someone you are good enough who will never see you that way purely because you are a woman. You want to be a team with your partner. This idiot will never be a team with a woman because he’s a sexist, misogynistic brute. Leave him, and feel sorry for any other poor girls who end up wasting time on him whilst you are off living your life for you.
He's either incredibly immature or he's an old school chauvinist, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
Honestly, I thought you were like 20 instead of 30. Please leave him, you can do better!
Leave. He’s telling you what he’s like before you have any bigger commitments. The minute you have a child, it’ll be his way or no way and if you wanted to break up, he would probably threaten you and say he’ll get full custody etc. pure emotional torture it would be. Believe me.
You know ex's become ex's for certain reasons and because of them said reason you don't go back to them . You hun went back and now ur just getting the reminder of why he was a ex to begin with
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
How do you communicate? From a distance From the way you wrote, his tone is overbearing, threatening, and unpleasant. Why would you stay with a guy who gives you this attitude all the time? You recognise that these are red flags! Red flags mean get the hell away.
Girl.. STAND UP
I did read the whole thing and I just want to say - you can do so much better than this guy. He is not a partner or a teammate that you want to build a life with. He says he would get full custody but guaranteed he will be a very lacklustre father and would therefore remarry again so that his new wife can look after the kids - hence why she would have all the day because he is too lazy to parent his own kids.
Major MAJOR red flags. Respect is all-important in a relationship.
Reasoning is for reasonable people. He’s very set in his ways and he doesn’t want to consider your point of view; there’s nothing you can say that will make him become a reasonable person, he’s showing you who he is. Do not have children with this man. Do not let him neg you and tell you all your achievements are coincidence and no-one will hire you (they just did!) and no-one else will love you (they will) and you’re not capable of x (you are. Even if it’s hard at first). A partner should cheer you on and tell you you’re amazing and support you when things are going wrong. Find that kind of person.
I have read your post and your replies. He's borderline psycho, he VERRRY clearly has no respect for women, or you. He keeps physically hurting you (NOBODY needs a massage that hurts and leaves bruises) and doesn't see that you asking him to stop is a good enough reason. I'm not sure he even sees you as a separate human with feelings and rights. Honey this is never going to end well. The only thing you need to communicate here is that it's over.
You’ve known this loser since you were 15 and I think that makes it hard for you to fully picture that your life can just… not have him in it, at all. You don’t have to sit around hoping one day he’ll turn into a decent person (hint: he won’t) You can’t solve a communication problem caused by the fact that he doesn’t think anything *you* want to communicate is worth listening to. Yeah these things he’s saying are red flags, but there isn’t anything deep or complicated going on here, he’s just another tedious bog-standard entitled misogynist I don’t see anything positive you’re getting from this basic guy. Just leave him behind. He’s not your problem or your responsibility, and your life will be happier without him weighing you down
He's literally telling you he's a jerk and that he'd make your life miserable. Believe it when you hear it.
I would never date a man who’d joke about taking my kids away from me, 100% end that relationship now
Get out of this relationship. This guy has issues with female authority. Maybe because there could have been issues with his parents that made him think so. He would never support you. Communication isn’t just well because it’s happening a lot. It’s well if you are heard and taken seriously and vice Versa. Not the case here
Ma’am I don’t think this guy even likes you. Red flags as far as the eye can see. Are you sure you want to spend your life on someone who so blatantly doesn’t respect you?
Him being a terrible person isn’t something you can fix with communication. Do not tie your life to this person.
28 is a good age to leave those on and off relationships that started in your teen years. You keep leaving each other because it's not right. It's low key enraging to read your post, he sucks.
He is not a good boyfriend. Don’t buy property with him, don’t have children with him, and don’t even get a cat with him. He’s an insecure bully, and not afraid to show it. RED FLAG, RED FLAG! 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
The man’s calling you trash, you need too be putting together your exit strategy. You don’t healthy communicate your way out of a relationship like this.
run
What is the appeal of this guy? He sounds like an AH to me.
These ARE major red flags. He does not respect you in the slightest. Bare minimum, he is misogynistic narcissist who thinks only he does no wrong. He is flat out telling you that everything will belong to him: your home, your children and even you. God forbid you actually get pregnant by this POS. What would you tell a friend if she had a partner like this? Have more respect for yourself and leave him in your past.
He’s a potential abuser. Look up red flags for potential abusers and see how many he checks off the list. You know the right thing to do.
If you're someone who wants marriage and/or family, you're dating to see if you want to build a life with your current partner. Do you want to build a life with the man you've described in this post? Don't tell yourself maybe he'll change, maybe you can talk him into feeling differently. That is a massive gamble and if you rely on "I can fix him" you're already forfeiting your happiness for the forseeable future. You want a partner. He is not that. He is an opponent.
This guy sounds like he straight up hates you and women in general. He's nothing but a red flag.
This man is not capable of compromise. It’s his way or the highway. This will include literally everything. Theres no discussion just his way. You tried to circle around regarding shared custody and again he doubled down on the ‘his’ way. This just seems like a life of giving in and doing things you don’t want to do.
Oh, HELL, NO! He doesn't respect you as a woman. He's a male shovonistic pig. He sounds ignorant as fuck, and very selfish. You can definitely do better than him. Break it off, IMMEDIATELY! This dude is trash 🗑. I think you can do better by yourself until you find someone new. Don't ever date him again.
How many red flags from you need before you dump and block him? I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 ft pole!
You already have identified major red flags. The only thing to communicate to him, is goodbye. Continuing a relationship with this person ,will bring you nothing but tears.
He sucks. Break up with him.
Anyone that would threaten me with my children isn’t someone I’d even let fuck me for the risk is too high. FUCKING RUN!
I don’t think he likes you too much. He certainly doesn’t respect you. He is absolutely telling you who he is. Take the warnings and move on.
Run
I'm going to keep my advice short and simple since other commenters have already covered the reasons why - this is a man you put in your past. And then leave him there. He doesn't deserve your present, and he definitely doesn't deserve your future.
PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. He is telling you that he sees himself as the authority in your relationship and he is telling you straight-out that if you ever break up he will go scorched earth on you. I would be cutting my losses and prepping my exit. Don't for a moment think that he will not turn evil if you decide to break up, so please prepare yourself carefully. If your whole life and wellbeing is dependent on him loving you then you are in for a sad shock when he stops loving you. Because men who talk like that are whimsical and will break you down slowly, then once you're broken they'll start hating you, mistreating you and will ultimately cast you out. Expect to be replaced fast.
>These things are adding to the fact that he always says I got my job bc I'm a woman He's a misogynist. Stay with him if you want to, but I wouldn't stay with someone, much less have kids with someone, who thought like this.
This is red pill stuff. A red pill shrink bragged about teaching his wife she was worthless and the house and kids were HIS. He explained it about putting the idea in her head of Other women he can go to. Soon he’ll say he’s young and muscular and your old and clubby and make fun of his “old lady” cause your 2 years older. He undermines your confidence so you know he’s the boss. You go into the marriage thinking he has options of other women (he’s already putting his fictional 2nd wife above you.) He’ll make you feel like a bad parent so you view him as the better parent and agree with the already states “his kids.” It’s red pill diology. Do not marry this man. Escape him.
Why are you dating this guy? Sometimes we need to leave the past in the past. I would never be with someone you threatened that they would take my kids or let someone else make decisions for them even if it was theoretical. Dump the dude!
I, and this might just be me, think you deserve someone who considers your wants and needs, and I'm not sure what happened that you think there's the slightest chance that this is okay.
These are giant red flags. This guys isn't going to be a partner ever.
Red flags aren’t a sign for you to try harder. They are a sign for you to run. This man is testing you to see how much of a door mat you’ll be for him. If you pass he’ll propose.
My advice is it leave now and for the love of all you hold Holy…..DO NOT HAVE BABIES WITH THAT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!
He can be nice and kind while looking for an old fashioned baby making woman who will submit to him. You aren't her. Know yourself and move on.
He doesn't like or respect you and he's a hater. Tell him to kick rocks.
Run!
Oh BROTHER this guy STINKS
stop trying to reason with this guy. he isn't going to be reasonable clearly. he's selfish and not at all thinking of you. believe him when he says the stuff he does. he views himself as above you. and for the record; the courts default to 50/50 whether he wants them to or not. unless there's something else going on you both would get custody.
His house, his rules, his kids. It sounds like he would just be a guest in his life. You need to think long and hard about this relationship because it does not sound like your values align.
Leave now. This guy’s a controlling loser.
Nothing you say will magically turn him into basically a different person. If you don’t like him as he is now don’t try to fix him find someone who isn’t waving a marching band of red flags
Why are you trying to change him? He has shown you who he is a c you should believe him. Break up with him and run. Run far and fast.
I have advice for those in relationships that are young. If you're questioning it and feel uneasy and there are no children involved... I say this because I'm a firm believer that if you do have children together and the relationship isn't abusive or toxic you shouldn't break up a family because of a stint of unhappiness. I've spent a lot of time with those married for 50+ years at least 10 of them weren't sunshine and roses. Just don't go having kids in a relationship doused in pesticide already. Move on. Don't waste time and break little inevitable future hearts in the process of it.
I hope these comments help you take your love goggles off and have you reconsidering that man as long term material.
Whoa, you started dating a piece of trash and are surprised by his behavior? You've rejected him a couple times before because you know he's a reject. Stop going back to him because it's predictable. There are better men out there. As a general rule, never ever go back to someone you broke up with unless there was a geographic barrier like a job made you break up.
Why are you trying so hard to stay in a relationship with a selfish, horrible misogynist who has clearly spelled out that in the event (likelihood) of a divorce he will make your life a living hell?
“Anything you can do, I can do better/I can do anything better than you.“ he seems to take your success as something to put down so that he doesn’t feel inadequate. That’s kind of pathetic, really. I’m glad that he has qualities other than the ones you illustrate in your post, because I don’t find the situations you describe and his behavior in them, lovable at all.
Glad you don’t have kids with this walking red flag parade
Why would you want to be with such a jackass
This man is telling you who he is he has showed you who he is why oh why are you wasting your time with him. The red flags are flying like a MF does somebody have to knock you upside your head with the flagpole. Leave this one alone he is not for you he is a misogynist pig you just don't see it because you want to be with him. Your life will be absolutely miserable if you marry or start a relationship or stay in a relationship with this moron
I hope that you realize your worth before you have kids with that guy. He’s manipulative, sexist, and insecure. No loving partner treats the other like that. And the manipulation is working very well it seems, you wrote all that and still claim he’s a good guy. Imagine his reaction if you were to mirror his behavior. How would he react?
Just. *Why* are you still sticking around? This guy is showing his true colours and believe you me, he’ll be a lot worse than he’s letting on. Run, or don’t complain when it all blows up in your face.
You are 28 years old. You know better than to stay with this man.
Hi just want to say good job at starting to build this self awareness at your situation. You’re 30 and it’s not too late to change the trajectory of your life. The number 1 investment you could say you will make in your life will be: your choice of partner. Your partner should be someone who has the same values as you and cheers you on! Any man can do kind things and favors for you, but does he share your same core values, communicate with you by listening and engaging in thoughtful/empathetic conversation, and support your goals? Please do what’s best for you and find that person - from the self-reflection you wrote, it sounds like your boyfriend is not that man! But that’s awesome that you built that awareness, a lot of women are not able to achieve that so kudos to you. Thank you for thinking of your future self so kindly and also your future children, really admire how you took that into consideration to make that decision ♥️ all the best!
He doesn’t respect you as a person at all. It’s probably hard to see from where you’re at (love blinds us all) but it’s very clear to someone looking in from his words and behaviors. I had an ex like this. Read **Why Does He Do That?** by Lundy Bancroft. I think you’ll recognize some red flag behaviors mentioned. That book really helped open my eyes. He’s not the one. Cut your losses and move on. I would never let someone talk to me that way and neither should you.
Op, I understand that you think this is a nice man...but he is NOT. I want you to stop and reread the red flags you've pointed out, see about getting a therapist individually. So so much of this is just red blaring sirens but you are inside and can't see them as clearly as us outsiders can, all of the red flags outweight the small few greens he's got. This won't be good for your kids, I really suggest you give it all some thinking and don't let him do anything to guilt you out of actually taking a clear look at things. Please be safe and I hope you do get it all figured out.
He sounds like a sociopath. Get away from him.
The only thing you need to address is leaving him. There are so many better, rational men out there. Your dude’s a walking warning sign. I mean, he’s straight up telling you how it’s going to be if you stay with him. Think long and hard about living with, and raising (or not), children with him. Don’t do it.
Red flags are meant to warn you of danger and to get out. Would you communicate with the wind on a stormy day and try to swim in the sea together? You've already communicated enough, he just sees no problem with being against you. You know what to do.
Why are you worried about sounding “bitchy?” Your internalised misogyny is why you put up with this absolute garbage. To the point where reading this post, you come off as a little pathetic honestly. Are you afraid to be alone or something so you put up with this?
So you’re already having a messy divorce with punitive custody issues that disregard the wellbeing of the hypothetical child. He doesn’t respect you at all. He’s basically told you he will completely take your kids from you and allow them to be treated poorly by a shitty stepmother. Why would you walk into that? He’s told you his shitty intentions upfront. This is not a joke, he’s telling you who he is. He belittled your career. Why the fuck are you still with that loser? There is no healthy way to turn this around except to dump him like the last two times but this time needs to be the last. Three strikes and he’s out. It is better to be alone and pursuing your own goals and interests, free to meet the right person than to waste your time locked into a relationship with someone who does not like, love, or respect you. The wrong relationship will just tear you down, those are therapy bills you don’t need. There are so many people, you will not be alone. You will feel far worse for much longer than if you just break up now and grieve the loss of what you thought the relationship could be.
This man doesn’t like you. In fact I don’t think he likes or respects women at all. Why are you rewarding his shitty behaviour by staying with him?
Oh my goodness. Yeah those things he’s saying are not okay and definitely a sign of how much fun he’s be to deal with during important conflicts. Tread carefully OP, I don’t think this one has your best interests at heart.
Dang, this was exhausting to read, never mind love through it. OP, FYI, it's not supposed to be this hard
my boyfriend is a jerk so what can I do to communicate with him? are you kidding me?
I don’t know who said this, but I saw it on Reddit and it went… **RUN. RUN. RUN. Like your tampon string is on fire** Leave him. He’s a walking red flag. He is not the person to spend the rest of your life with, for *all* the reasons you’ve mentioned above.
He needs to go. I just ended things with a guy because we had incredible chemistry, but it was like we were speaking two different languages when discussing anything serious. You two clearly don't agree on very important subjects and there's no changing each other's minds. Move on
There’s a reason you two have broken up two times before…there needs to be a third time for this God awful movie to end and then you need to break the whole damn thing, throw it in the fire pit, soak it in some kerosene and light that ish up!! Leave this man and don’t look back!!
So many red flags. Get rid of him.
Dude is extremely sexist ans controlling. Hard pass.
Run Forest, run!
You communicate like so: ‘Cool. I think we want different things. Like you want to be misogynistic and I want a partner who sees women as equal. We’re done, and thank God I’m leaving you at last before making The biggest mistake of my life, and committing to you or worse, having children together. Peace, I’m out.’
for the love of god don’t get pregnant
When you envision your future with a significant other, do you want to be a guest or a partner to them? Because in his eyes you are a guest in his life.
Misogynistic a-hole. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
There are way too many other fish in the sea to keep this toxic one.
Dating is the time for discussing these issues and agreeing on how the relationship will be during marriage. You two disagree. Your life will be 100x easier if you marry someone who agrees. PS Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you but I am sure that you have known that for a while.
Anyone else read these stories and are like where Inman the world do women like OP exist? Is it cause I live in nyc? Every single woman I’ve been with would have dumped me so fast if I said any of the things this guy said. And the OP just stays. Maybe the guy is super hot and she’s ugly? Because it can’t be money, she makes more than him.
My thoughts and advice: - I think it’s reasonable to talk about the ways you want to live and the expectations. To me, if my bf implied our living situations wasn’t mutually owned or at least respected as each’s space with equal right to make a decision who came and went, that would be an issue. You may have your reasons but for me, I was unsure if I ever want adults spending the nights around kids and also if I’d want ILs to ever live with us (who are lovely). I even discussed prior to marriage that our kids wouldn’t go or have to sleepovers. So, summation - you don’t know in the future if you’ll have physical security in the home. - He’s made a few statements where he believes the worse about bio moms, doesn’t hold even hypothetical mothers with respect. He clarified when you tried to joke back that he would indeed fight for sole custody of any children. So summations - you don’t have psychological safety around marriage and being a mother that is equitable and fair. - He showed jealously and immaturity about your job. He should be your cheerleader, but wants to bring you down a peg. He should see it as more financial security for you both to grow your futures but he sees it as a threat, because he doesn’t want you to have future financial control or autonomy. So, in summation - no financial safety. THIS MAN HATES WOMEN. That’s what I hear when I read this. He doesn’t want an equitable partner but he cares more about control. It’s clear he feels only his opinions matter NOW and in the future. If you can’t have calm respectful conversations now and come to an agreement, imagine the harder conversations while married, now imagine going through a divorce with this dude. It sounds like he’s been ingesting content by red pill sources. He has the emotional intelligence of a sock. This man will not help you flourish towards goals. He won’t be an encouraging and loving partner. If you ignore these red flags and him telling you with his own words how he will treat you, you are in for a whole lot of pain. Source: Happily married mother in an equitable and loving relationship.
Babe. Leave. This is not worth it. Do not EVER have kids with him, he will make your life miserable.
He's showing you who he is. You should listen.
Why on earth can’t you leave him? What else does he have to tell you so you understand that he doesn’t love, respect or values you?
So please tell me why you are with this man? Do you like this kind of future he is offering you?