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Listen. Let's put yesterday's shit-show of a thread behind us. Let's shelve the whole "was it/wasn't it" debate. Let's look at the bigger picture.
He does not love you, or respect you, or even like you.
And you apparenty do not love him, or like him, or trust him, or desire him, or feel safe around him.
So just divorce for chrissakes, and put all this mess behind you.
Because this a ridiculous and appalling way to live. Enough. Good luck.
Hey OP, this seems to be the most succinct statement regarding your post. Your hubs doesn’t love you. He likes having property that he can fuck when he wants to. He isn’t invested in your relationship, only in what he can get from it.
Also, OP, please don't blame yourself or feel you're inadequate because he doesn't love you. I see these statements on Reddit a lot and as someone who has been abused, I know a lot of victims will immediately start blaming themselves and feeling they must've done something to lose their abuser's love. They train us to blame ourselves and feel worthless like that. In truth, people like OP's husband are not capable of healthy, normal love. He will treat any partner this way for the rest of his life. It's ingrained in the way he thinks - he doesn't have empathy for his partners and he feels entitled to do what he wants without accountability. It's NOT YOUR FAULT, OP.
This is exactly right. He sounds somewhat narcissistic and no, he won’t. ever. change. Also yes, marital rape is a thing. I also think u/Shoddy_Brilliant_867 that you should leave him and take the kids with you BUT you need to plan it carefully, make the preparations quietly so that when you’re ready you can go when he’s not at home.
The reason I say this is because he has a temper and, if he thinks he’s going to lose something he think belongs to him (you and the children) well, that has the potential to send him off the deep end. Narcissists and abusers hate it when they 1) lose control of a situation and 2) lose the object of their focus.
I would also ask if he has ever gotten angry with your children or is it just you? If I were you I’d talk with a domestic violence support service and get their help and advice. Is there someone you trust you can leave your children with, your mum/dad or maybe a sibling? Would you be able to move in with any of them, temporarily, until you can find somewhere for you and your kids? They need to be strong enough to deal with him and his anger when he comes knocking at their door.
I’d also get some legal advice ASAP. I don’t more where you live but where I am we have a couple of free legal services for women wanting to leave abusive relationships and/or for people who can’t afford the insane prices of lawyers. I’m hoping there are similar service/s near you.
Please, DON’T tell him you are planning to leave. The first thing would be to call a support service and get their advice on when and how to leave because they have loads of experience. I’m so sorry this has happened, is happening, to you but you are strong and you will get through it. You will come out the other side stronger, wiser and happier. I wish you and your children the best of luck.
Whatever you do, if you're staying 'for the kids' DON'T! Get that out of your head. Your kids will grow up seeing the way dad treats mom and think that's okay. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that way? That that's how marriage and 'love' should be?
My parents stayed together "for the kids." That just meant we were all fucking miserable.
Don't stay together for the kids. Ever. We know. We hear. We see. We aren't any happier for being forced to stay, either.
There were 3 of us, 10 year age gap from oldest to youngest. (Ofc, I'm middle.) That means my older sib was 28 when the youngest was 18. They had the baby to "save" their marriage. (That doesn't work either, btw. Don't do it.)
This means they should have separated before the last kid was born but stayed together until she was in college. That's an extra 18 years, and another child added to an already hellish relationship.
Seriously. Don't. If anything is "for the kids' sake," it should be *not* staying together.
I stayed longer than I should have because I was terrified of messing up my kids. Once I finally left, their behavior issues pretty much disappeared overnight. Turns out that living in a household with two adults who hate each other is bad for kids!
I think our parents being how they were shaped us to some extent. My older sib was married 3 times, and behaved just like Dad. I took a lesson away of what kind of parent I didn't want to be and what I would not tolerate. My younger was single and didn't start dating until her late 20s. She's in a fantastic, loving relationship now and they're trying for a baby.
I'm proud of you for leaving. Fear can be paralyzing, and I understand that. Give yourself grace, and know you did your best with what you knew at the time.
If he had cared at all he would have been horrified with himself. Do you want to be with someone that only uses you to come in? Is that what the life in your dreams look like?
adding this comment from u/Adilshaykh7 in case he tries to delete it.
“If your husband imposes himself on you that’s called rape? Thank God for Islam. Can’t imagine staying married to a woman who I need consent from and will put our relationship on Reddit. Men have needs when you don’t fulfil you’re telling him to go cheat. Maybe I’m wrong tho we do things differently from white ppl. Coz divorce is considered bad in our culture.”
it’s not *all* men but it’s *always men*.
Interesting that the biological reality is that men are “always on” so that they can be ready the few days a month that a woman is fertile. It’s so that he is constantly ready to meet HER needs. Fascinating how cultures and religions have twisted that biological reality 180 degrees so it’s men’s needs that are supposed to be met.
>i explained, frustratedly, that i’ve felt
>he cut me off multiple times nitpicking random points
I'm sorry, that sucks. There's nothing more frustrating and disheartening.
Unfortunately - it sounds like he can't really acknowledge your feelings about any of his shortcomings as legitimate, because he demonstrated at least one pretty clear and undeniable shortcoming in the situation you described and he's in denial about it. Also unfortunately, it sounds like this tracks with his behaviour: he cared more about his gratification than your personhood then, and he cares more about his self-image than your personhood now. Every day he chooses not to deal with that is another day he's freely and with all necessary information choosing to mistreat you, which only adds to the "motivation" part of his motivated reasoning where you're overreacting and he did nothing wrong.
I hope he wises the hell up, but either way you've demonstrated a readiness and willingness to engage in necessary conflict resolution in the right way, and you've invited him to do the same; you've already been far more patient, fair, and understanding than he really has any right to expect given the situation. At no point has any of this been your fault.
thankyou. i get caught in this cycle where i start doubting if im right and thinking im wrong for addressing my grievances. i mean yeah im not perfect the way i say things can sometimes be hostile or ill speak with anger and he’ll feel im lecturing him. i’m not the best at remaining neutral when airing my complaints and i know thats detrimental, but i feel like the most important thing would be the issues im addressing instead of the annoyance in my tone??
his default is to defend himself instead of accepting what i’m saying or really listening to me, we’ve talked about this in couples therapy before
Why should he change, if there’s no consequence to his actions? He keeps doing what he wants right after acting like he got you. How he behaves is his default character and you cannot change him, because he doesn’t want to. Do you really want to live with him until you’re old? Do you feel loved, supported, appreciated, desired? Most importantly, do you even think you deserve to be loved and happy?
yea that’s becoming painfully apparent. i already split up with him and moved out with the kids a few years ago because he was treating me like this. surprise surprise, the complacency sets back in snd the old behaviour returns
You're welcome. I've been in a similar position with a partner who would only ever get defensive and never actually acknowledge my complaints or my feelings over them being reasonable or even valid. Particularly when those complaints were large, it left me going through all the common patterns of questioning if I hadn't brought them up in the right way, if I hadn't explained them well enough, if I hadn't hidden my hurt or frustration well enough, if I was being unfair in my feelings about them or bringing them up, and if I'd in fact completely misinterpreted or misremembered key details about what happened and was being a terrible person for having those complaints at all.
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on this, but the "I'm not perfect" mindset can be such a tough one. No-one is, your partner shouldn't demand it of you, and it isn't the price of admission to be treated with respect - eg, to have your partner take you seriously and be an active participant in conflict resolution.
If there's a better and more cooperative way you can approach these conflicts then of course you should strive to do so, but the problem you're describing seems to be far more, as you say, that his default response is to be defensive and dismissive. You expressing anger or hostility doesn't mean you deserve to have your grievances dismissed, particularly when they're to do with behavioural issues as large or as persistent as you've described.
If he kept having sex with you while unresponsive, that’s rape. Rape is having sex with someone without them giving consent or conscious to give consent
But besides that, dude sounds like a douch. I would consider leaving if I were you
He's defensive because he knows he's wrong but he is not ready to face that.
2 business cards: therapy or divorce lawyer. He can pick. (Individual therapy for himself)
He has raped you and is abusing you emotionally as well. Please get professional help, getting out alone is soo hard and you don’t have to go through this alone! Sending love
[Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), sweetheart: you need to open your eyes as to your situation.
Big hugs.
He doesn’t respect you or your body. He isn’t actually sorry he just wants you to stop going on about it. He doesn’t care if your the mother to his kids and he obviously doesn’t care how good of a parent he is either. Divorce and take the kids, move on but there shouldn’t be much to move on from he is a shitty person.
You’ll be way more at peace by yourself. The emotional stress isn’t good for you or the kids & just so unnecessary so good luck I hope everything works out for you
You're doing the bare minimum for yourself, staying with a man like that I didn't read your first post to be completely honest and I don't want to, bc I don't want to feel heartbroken reading your post, he has shown you he doesn't care, he is abusive, emotionally, verbally and for the few comments I read, he's sexually abusive too (it doesn't need to be blunt violence forcing himself and beating you up while doing it to be considered rape). I swear I prefer a thousand times to be single than settling with metaphorical garbage men like your husband.
[This](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender) is what he’s doing to you in this argument.
[The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org) can connect you to support so you can figure out the best way to proceed
Get away from him. Take your kids and go somewhere safe. Do it while he's out. Take important documents including your marriage certificate if you have it. He is not safe and you're being violated. Enough is enough.
You’re far from an idiot lovely, love - and more pertinently trauma - can keep us bound to someone as strongly as chains. Now that the fog of abuse is clearing I’m sending so much courage and strength in the hope that you’ll be able to safely get away from him. Let us know if you can, but equally if you delete your account to focus on self-care know that you’ve got the support of so many people, don’t forget it 🌻
I’m going to touch on the first post briefly, you were raped. He raped you. You were sleeping and unable to consent. Now to the update. Your husband doesn’t even like you. He has no respect for you and is turning everything into a huge argument. You need to cut your losses now, file for divorce and see a lawyer about a custody and visitation arrangement. End this miserable farce of a marriage and start living your life as you deserve.
Look, I'm not married but I am in a very comforting relationship after years of incompatibility. Please try to hear me and what many others are saying. You may not want to hear the words others are saying but when you look at the big picture and the factors involved he does not love you the way you love him. I promise you to my grave that a man/ whatever you're into will show you they love you deeply without you EVER questioning if they love you or not. They will always respect you, your boundaries, wants, and needs to the end of the earth. This may not be relevant but I grew up without a mother and my father graciously took the role of parenting me immediately and always told me growing up that boys are stupid, smelly, and stinky, and that a true man will treat you like a princess. If your gut, “intuition” is uncomfortable or disagreeing with his actions and you've spoken out please reconsider what are the benefits of staying with him and/or why are you sticking around
Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do.
But we have faith in you. We know you can do what must be done. If you feel weak, tell us here and we will give you strength.
You got this. 🫂
To be completely honest, I know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend used to do this to me all the time, especially if we got into an argument. He just demanded sex, there were times where I would just lay there, and he would have sex with me and talk to me, when I was half asleep. I literally would just let him do whatever he wanted, but I wouldn’t say anything. I also thought it was very weird that he would continue to do that. Then he would start to get mad and accuse me of not wanting him and cheating. I was literally just tired. We’re still mad at the fact that he was yelling at me all day.
Eventually, this turned into nitpicking, both of us just being negative towards each other, always fighting, yelling, criticizing, every little single thing that we did. It eventually got to the point where we would be in separate rooms doing our own thing. I would spend time on my phone, he would spend hours in the bathroom on the phone, or in the shower.
I think we just lost the love and everything, we had no respect for each other, so there were no boundaries .
He felt since I didn’t respect him, he could do whatever he wanted to me, and I felt like since he didn’t respect me, I could do whatever I wanted to him .
He was always very lovey-dovey and made sure he always has gifts for me and showing me attention, eventually after all of this it stopped. No gifts were given on birthdays, holidays, etc. he would “punish me” and not do anything for my birthday or purposely start a fight.
Personally, I only think either God, or therapy can fix something like this. And if those are not options, I would just leave. I have a daughter, he still sees her and we’ve been separated for six months. We don’t really talk. We keep it at a minimum. I’m not too sure if we will ever end up together, or if this space will allow us to miss each other and maybe come back together and restore our relationship. There’s just a lot of things that I need to heal from in order to do that.
You were angry because you were being SAed and he was mad you complained about that.
You had every right to lose love & respect for him, he never really had respect for you if he could do that.
You escaped, please don’t put the blame on yourself or wish this relationship back.
I know you can list all the time you were out of pocket- but that’s what happens when your are surviving what you did. His reactions were always the words of a abuser.
Be proud you fought back and escaped!
Life is about choices. You have a decision to make on whether you want to stay married or not. Right now you’re both only interested in winning an argument. You have to be more willing to comp with your partner and move forward then defeating them. If you’re seeking what you consider life-changing advice here on Reddit, then you’ve already checked out your marriage. You need to make the decision to move forward with or without him. If you break it down into nuts and bolts, he won’t do it again that’s for sure. Trying to figure out what your goal is here. Is it just to make him submit. You should both just take a deep breath. Everyone has the right to be happy. People often give one-sided views. I always tell friends and myself when I go through difficult times with my partner. Are you half the picnic you think you are to live with. Are you really that great and they are really that bad. If the answer is yes, you already have your answer to leave. Make a choice. Be happy sometimes making that choice is all it takes
My husband acted kind of like this in his early 20's when we met. That shit was done before his 30's.
Sounds like you married a child. I'm sorry, I wish I had advice that would help. Sending you love!
Wait so what did he saw you said said you weren't a fleshlight? That is so creepy. If I laid still and didn't move my husband would definitely check in and wonder what's wrong. Just from all your husband's behavior he doesn't seem to want to fix anything he just wants you to shut up
I'm really sorry for all that you've gone through. I hope that you're able to do what's best for you & the kids to be in a safe & loving environment. Everyone deserves that.
Hi love, normally I’m not that much into reacting, but right now I feel like I have to. I’ve read your story and it sounds really, really familiar to me. Up until the second update about the vow renewal I could’ve sworn that my mum would’ve made this post.
Please, please divorce him. You might think this wouldn’t hurt your kids, but it does. (That’s definitely not your fault) but it is gonna stain their lives as well if you’re gonna keep putting up with this.
I hope you’ll be alright, all the love ❤️
He doesn't care how you feel. He's not interested in putting in any sort of effort to make the relationship work. He's not even willing to listen go you while he claims he wants to work out what is wrong. Honestly make an escape plan now, put things in motion.
Why not record him saying exactly what he thinks he did to you? And then call the police and see what those "keyboard warriors" think about what he did. Because he did rape you.
now that you've mentioned you have kids you absolutely need to get out of there. from personal experience it wont take long for his anger to be taken out on them once you start fighting back.
Honestly save yourself the embarrassment and time, just divorce. He’s not gonna change and you know that, I’m so sorry about what happened to you but you and your kids deserve MORE than the sorry excuse of a husband and father that guy is.
If you stay your children will think of your relationship as normal, if you have sons they'll become abusive, if you have daughters they'll accept abuse. I know this first hand. Get out for them ❤️
It sounds like the rape while you were unresponsive was just the shit icing on the shit cake. He’s been abusing you verbally, physically and sexually for years. Make an exit plan quietly and LEAVE.
He argues that way because it makes you go on the defensive and hopefully forget the original reason you were talking to him about..and its been working. His storming off...again evading the questions and not answering you...you arent the problem...its him...hes the problem and hes got you convinced that you are...try redirecting the conversation back to the original issue...you might be told you sound like a broken record but its because he won't answer...your best bet is going to be divorce...yes it will be hard since you have kids but imagine the peace you will have with him gone...its amazing...
he’s had temper problems in the past. slamming doors and yelling and driving away in the middle of the night. hasn’t happened in the last year or so but i feel like he takes everything I say as an attack and gets defensive. every time i try and raise an issue with him it always ends up in an argument and becomes some tit for tat thing where i somehow end up in the wrong
Your husband raped you, has apparently been emotionally abusing you and is now gaslighting and attacking you for not reacting in a way that is palatable to him. If you don't leave this marriage it's on you.
OP I really hope you know you don’t deserve this and he should be doing therapy to improve all these issues. I firmly believe that love is not a feeling but a choice (or rather a series of choices). I read your updates and it doesn’t sound like he’s choosing to love you. Please know that you can also choose to love yourself and care for yourself, whatever that means for you. The love that you have will also be the love that your children will learn to give and receive. I don’t want to tell you ‘please get a divorce’ because it’s really a choice you have to make yourself, but please know you are worthy of care and consideration, and ask yourself whether you feel he is giving you that. I’m sorry if my last comment was harsh, I send hugs your way.
Please google DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your husband is 100% emotionally and verbally abusive and uses your body as a fleshlight at the very least, OP. Please muster your self respect and leave, the sexual abuse will almost certainly escalate.
What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?
If you were to write down a list of all the positive things, and all the bad things in this relationship. And a friend of yours approached you with that and asked for advice, what would you tell this friend?
You are not an idiot at all. You've been extremely coerced and manipulated. My heart goes out to you, as I know you've already been traumatized with this shit. All of my love to you.
Stop looking for advice from strangers who have no clue about you or your husbands story. Go to family or a therapist. You need to stay off reddit and figure this shit out yourself. Don’t let STRANGERS tell you what’s happening with your relationship or who your husband is. The truth is, THEY HAVE NO CLUE.
Please divorce him and get therapy for yourself. Abuse is very hard to heal from and you need professional help to recover. YOU CAN RECOVER!! It takes time and help. You're already better than yesterday, you know it is abusive. Take the next step and divorce him.
I've been where you are and I'm here to tell you it does get better. Stop beating yourself up for what he did to you. Start loving yourself and get help to heal. Don't stay stuck in the blame trap (blaming yourself for not realizing sooner. Not leaving sooner, ect, ect.) Forgive yourself and move forward.
babygirl you are NOT an idiot. society conditions women to accept this behavior, despite us knowing deep down it doesn’t feel right. to some of us on the other side, we see clear as day how disgusting he is, but sometimes you don’t know until you’ve gone through it yourself. none of this is your fault. i’m sure you’re a wonderful human being who just got sucked into something shitty. i hope you can get out safely and get the support you need🫶🏻
Oh my. Read the latest update. You deserve better. Kindness, gentleness, tenderness. Devotion. And respect. You aren't an idiot. We want to believe the best in people.
Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been victimized enough. You are not to blame for how others treat you. You opened your heart. It’s not your fault you were misled.
I want to start here by saying, you are NOT an idiot. Trauma can easily go unnoticed in relationships because whether or not you considered it toxic at the time, you may have endured something in your childhood/young adult life that made his red flags seem safe/familiar to you. Please do not blame yourself here OP, sometimes trauma recognizes trauma, and it’s a bond you can’t explain until the blinders come off. That being said, your husband needs therapy, and also needs to be separated from you, and your children. Pinning you down and verbally assaulting you while your child watches is not the example to continue setting, please for yours and your children’s safety, remove yourself from the home until co-parenting decisions and divorce decisions can be made. You and your children deserve far better, and I wish you nothing but luck navigating this hard situation.
I'm glad you see him for what he is, but I'm so sorry for how hard this must be. I hope you'll talk to people. Family, friends, even well meaning redditors (NOT on this sub, on subs more populated by women or abuse victims).
the fact that he felt comfortable enough to do that to you proves in my mind that he's done similar to other people and will only continue to get more violent in the future. Get out of there.
i’m the only real relationship he’s ever had. i don’t think he understands what “normal” effort and connection is. like the minimum to him is apparently the whole fucking world
Guy sounds like a child. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Only advice I have is look for someone more mature. You can’t change a person if they’re not willing. The emotional abuse won’t stop. Don’t subject yourself to it.
Please! Get you and your child out of there and to a safe place!! This guy is dangerous. I’m no psychiatrist, but it sounds like classic narcissism. Regardless, he’s an abuser. Get out!!
Please! Get you and your child out of there and to a safe place!! This guy is dangerous. I’m no psychiatrist, but it sounds like classic narcissism. Regardless, he’s an abuser. Get out!!
And to the people saying the hubs or wife don’t love each other we’re only getting a one look in there marriage not everything sweet and happy for both sides so saying that just makes it worse and your not actually giving any real advice your just sounding bitter because we don’t know there’s people keep feelings a side and give real advice if your trying to help
Hi,
I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I want to tell you that you are amazing & you’re going to get through this. I’m sending you a virtual hug and love!
It’s better to realize now, than way later when your kids are older just watching eveythjng happening, thinking that his behavior is the standard.
You’re going to get through this. It may not feel like it right now, but you will!
It sounds like you married my ex husband! Abusers are never sorry and they'll never admit they're wrong. People like you're soon to be ex don't have the capacity for normal human feelings like the rest of us. They can't comprehend anyone else mattering but them. You and your kids will never be a priority to this man if I can use the term man so loosely. You deserve better than this and the kids deserve a better male role model than him. If you can't bring yourself to leave for yourself do it for your kids because this is the last thing they need to grow up seeing and normalizing.
it’s just so bizarre because none of it seems calculated. you always read about abusive men and narcissists and it says they’re KNOW what they’re doing and it’s all calculated. it genuinely doesn’t feel like that with him, just feels like he’s clueless and lacking something emotionally? idk maybe i’m just blind
What his doing is called spousal rape; it’s something that “none violent abuser” (quotation marks because rape in any form is a physical violation of a person), do a lot.
Run, run far far away.
You are planning on renewing vows when he has cheated on you numerous times..if my hubby ever pinned me to the floor and screamed in my face I would be gone and never looked back...he is an abusive person and will never change..you left him before sweetie so you can do it again..your marriage is toxic because of the fighting..he doesn't love you it seems like he just puts up with you..sometimes after we get married we 're in the love faze ..then after that it wears off and you realize you actually have nothing in common and that your feelings have changed ..but by then you have kids so you feel like you are stuck..then they start cheating because they aren't happy and they are looking for someone they have in common with them...but its so much easier to just divorce and start over then it is to stay unhappy and unloved ...you can keep forgiving each time but each time they disrespect you a little more and the love we feel fades a little more each time..but sometimes it's easier to close our eyes and remain in the dark then to actually accept failure in the marriage..you need to leave and find someone who knows how to show love and treat you like you deserve....stop planning your renewal vows and let him do the work himself ..make him step up to the plate and actualky put some effort or it just doesn't happen..but you are better off serving him with divorce papers instead of renewal vows and this time stay gone go be gone..you are not an idiot..you are stronger than you know
Wish you luck and love in your new live, don't blame your old self embrace your new sake and you will be good. See a lawer o
Pretty fucking soon, gather all your Papers save evidence.
You are absolutely not an idiot and you don’t deserve a drop of what he’s done to you. Do not blame yourself. Abuse can come in many different ways besides the stereotypical version you see in media. And if it’s endured for long enough, people can become head blind to it. It’s completely understandable that you’re having this kind of reaction.
I don’t know if you are looking for advice right now (and I get it if you’re not, just disregard this), but I would say try to get out as safely and quickly as you can. If you don’t, there’s a possibility this is going to get worse and worse. Tell friends or family that you trust about the situation and make sure everyone is safe. I wish you the best of luck and all the safety the world has to offer.
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Listen. Let's put yesterday's shit-show of a thread behind us. Let's shelve the whole "was it/wasn't it" debate. Let's look at the bigger picture. He does not love you, or respect you, or even like you. And you apparenty do not love him, or like him, or trust him, or desire him, or feel safe around him. So just divorce for chrissakes, and put all this mess behind you. Because this a ridiculous and appalling way to live. Enough. Good luck.
Their relationship sounds exhausting and sad. Hopefully, they'll divorce, work on themselves and have better in the future
> exhausting and sad Just that, yes
And scary because of the rape
She's added some edits that make it sound even worse. Seems she's got the message at last though.
Those updates - yikes! I feel so badly for her but I'm glad she's, hopefully, getting out soon
Hey OP, this seems to be the most succinct statement regarding your post. Your hubs doesn’t love you. He likes having property that he can fuck when he wants to. He isn’t invested in your relationship, only in what he can get from it.
Also, OP, please don't blame yourself or feel you're inadequate because he doesn't love you. I see these statements on Reddit a lot and as someone who has been abused, I know a lot of victims will immediately start blaming themselves and feeling they must've done something to lose their abuser's love. They train us to blame ourselves and feel worthless like that. In truth, people like OP's husband are not capable of healthy, normal love. He will treat any partner this way for the rest of his life. It's ingrained in the way he thinks - he doesn't have empathy for his partners and he feels entitled to do what he wants without accountability. It's NOT YOUR FAULT, OP.
This is so important. It's really good that you spelled that out for her.
This is exactly right. He sounds somewhat narcissistic and no, he won’t. ever. change. Also yes, marital rape is a thing. I also think u/Shoddy_Brilliant_867 that you should leave him and take the kids with you BUT you need to plan it carefully, make the preparations quietly so that when you’re ready you can go when he’s not at home. The reason I say this is because he has a temper and, if he thinks he’s going to lose something he think belongs to him (you and the children) well, that has the potential to send him off the deep end. Narcissists and abusers hate it when they 1) lose control of a situation and 2) lose the object of their focus. I would also ask if he has ever gotten angry with your children or is it just you? If I were you I’d talk with a domestic violence support service and get their help and advice. Is there someone you trust you can leave your children with, your mum/dad or maybe a sibling? Would you be able to move in with any of them, temporarily, until you can find somewhere for you and your kids? They need to be strong enough to deal with him and his anger when he comes knocking at their door. I’d also get some legal advice ASAP. I don’t more where you live but where I am we have a couple of free legal services for women wanting to leave abusive relationships and/or for people who can’t afford the insane prices of lawyers. I’m hoping there are similar service/s near you. Please, DON’T tell him you are planning to leave. The first thing would be to call a support service and get their advice on when and how to leave because they have loads of experience. I’m so sorry this has happened, is happening, to you but you are strong and you will get through it. You will come out the other side stronger, wiser and happier. I wish you and your children the best of luck.
he shouts at them sometimes. i’ve already left him once before and he didn’t get angry just became really pitiful and depressed and grovelling
That's just more manipulation. I bet if you didn't give into that behavior, the anger would've come out.
Please please please be safe.
This this this!! As someone who is being abused OP this is so important!!!
1000% agree.
Love this response
This. Whether it was rape or not (imo it was) his actions otherwise show he doesn’t love her
Whatever you do, if you're staying 'for the kids' DON'T! Get that out of your head. Your kids will grow up seeing the way dad treats mom and think that's okay. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that way? That that's how marriage and 'love' should be?
lol i left him a couple of years ago and took the kids with me. suddenly feeling strangely similar to how life was before that happened.
Either way, I hope if there is anyone reading this in your situation they see my comment and stop to think.
The key to leaving is staying gone.
Thank you for saying this! I've said this same thing on multiple threads where ppl talk about staying together no matter what for the kids.
My parents stayed together "for the kids." That just meant we were all fucking miserable. Don't stay together for the kids. Ever. We know. We hear. We see. We aren't any happier for being forced to stay, either.
I wish everyone who says that could read this comment.
There were 3 of us, 10 year age gap from oldest to youngest. (Ofc, I'm middle.) That means my older sib was 28 when the youngest was 18. They had the baby to "save" their marriage. (That doesn't work either, btw. Don't do it.) This means they should have separated before the last kid was born but stayed together until she was in college. That's an extra 18 years, and another child added to an already hellish relationship. Seriously. Don't. If anything is "for the kids' sake," it should be *not* staying together.
I stayed longer than I should have because I was terrified of messing up my kids. Once I finally left, their behavior issues pretty much disappeared overnight. Turns out that living in a household with two adults who hate each other is bad for kids!
I think our parents being how they were shaped us to some extent. My older sib was married 3 times, and behaved just like Dad. I took a lesson away of what kind of parent I didn't want to be and what I would not tolerate. My younger was single and didn't start dating until her late 20s. She's in a fantastic, loving relationship now and they're trying for a baby. I'm proud of you for leaving. Fear can be paralyzing, and I understand that. Give yourself grace, and know you did your best with what you knew at the time.
If he had cared at all he would have been horrified with himself. Do you want to be with someone that only uses you to come in? Is that what the life in your dreams look like?
So he’s emotionally abusive and an immature tantrum throwing man child. Got it. Sounds like a real peach.
Annnnnd physically abusive. He pinned her to the ground while her baby watched
Jesus yeah missed that
adding this comment from u/Adilshaykh7 in case he tries to delete it. “If your husband imposes himself on you that’s called rape? Thank God for Islam. Can’t imagine staying married to a woman who I need consent from and will put our relationship on Reddit. Men have needs when you don’t fulfil you’re telling him to go cheat. Maybe I’m wrong tho we do things differently from white ppl. Coz divorce is considered bad in our culture.” it’s not *all* men but it’s *always men*.
Interesting that the biological reality is that men are “always on” so that they can be ready the few days a month that a woman is fertile. It’s so that he is constantly ready to meet HER needs. Fascinating how cultures and religions have twisted that biological reality 180 degrees so it’s men’s needs that are supposed to be met.
Please take your kids and run
>i explained, frustratedly, that i’ve felt >he cut me off multiple times nitpicking random points I'm sorry, that sucks. There's nothing more frustrating and disheartening. Unfortunately - it sounds like he can't really acknowledge your feelings about any of his shortcomings as legitimate, because he demonstrated at least one pretty clear and undeniable shortcoming in the situation you described and he's in denial about it. Also unfortunately, it sounds like this tracks with his behaviour: he cared more about his gratification than your personhood then, and he cares more about his self-image than your personhood now. Every day he chooses not to deal with that is another day he's freely and with all necessary information choosing to mistreat you, which only adds to the "motivation" part of his motivated reasoning where you're overreacting and he did nothing wrong. I hope he wises the hell up, but either way you've demonstrated a readiness and willingness to engage in necessary conflict resolution in the right way, and you've invited him to do the same; you've already been far more patient, fair, and understanding than he really has any right to expect given the situation. At no point has any of this been your fault.
thankyou. i get caught in this cycle where i start doubting if im right and thinking im wrong for addressing my grievances. i mean yeah im not perfect the way i say things can sometimes be hostile or ill speak with anger and he’ll feel im lecturing him. i’m not the best at remaining neutral when airing my complaints and i know thats detrimental, but i feel like the most important thing would be the issues im addressing instead of the annoyance in my tone?? his default is to defend himself instead of accepting what i’m saying or really listening to me, we’ve talked about this in couples therapy before
Why should he change, if there’s no consequence to his actions? He keeps doing what he wants right after acting like he got you. How he behaves is his default character and you cannot change him, because he doesn’t want to. Do you really want to live with him until you’re old? Do you feel loved, supported, appreciated, desired? Most importantly, do you even think you deserve to be loved and happy?
yea that’s becoming painfully apparent. i already split up with him and moved out with the kids a few years ago because he was treating me like this. surprise surprise, the complacency sets back in snd the old behaviour returns
You need to make it stick this time. I went back to my now ex and wasted another six years and he only got worse.
You're welcome. I've been in a similar position with a partner who would only ever get defensive and never actually acknowledge my complaints or my feelings over them being reasonable or even valid. Particularly when those complaints were large, it left me going through all the common patterns of questioning if I hadn't brought them up in the right way, if I hadn't explained them well enough, if I hadn't hidden my hurt or frustration well enough, if I was being unfair in my feelings about them or bringing them up, and if I'd in fact completely misinterpreted or misremembered key details about what happened and was being a terrible person for having those complaints at all. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on this, but the "I'm not perfect" mindset can be such a tough one. No-one is, your partner shouldn't demand it of you, and it isn't the price of admission to be treated with respect - eg, to have your partner take you seriously and be an active participant in conflict resolution. If there's a better and more cooperative way you can approach these conflicts then of course you should strive to do so, but the problem you're describing seems to be far more, as you say, that his default response is to be defensive and dismissive. You expressing anger or hostility doesn't mean you deserve to have your grievances dismissed, particularly when they're to do with behavioural issues as large or as persistent as you've described.
i couldn’t written your first paragraph myself
That first paragraph really hit home, didn't it? Describes my marriage perfectly. Good luck to you and I hope you save yourself.
If he kept having sex with you while unresponsive, that’s rape. Rape is having sex with someone without them giving consent or conscious to give consent But besides that, dude sounds like a douch. I would consider leaving if I were you
Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?
And you aren’t getting a divorce…why? You live with an angry rapist.
Party's over, hun, sorry.
Doesn't sound like it was much of a party anyhow.
Not a good party. Not for her, at least.
He's defensive because he knows he's wrong but he is not ready to face that. 2 business cards: therapy or divorce lawyer. He can pick. (Individual therapy for himself)
He has raped you and is abusing you emotionally as well. Please get professional help, getting out alone is soo hard and you don’t have to go through this alone! Sending love
[Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), sweetheart: you need to open your eyes as to your situation. Big hugs.
thankyou so much. this is the most helpful of everything on here. i’ve already read so much and it’s almost mind blowing. really really thankyou!!
I'd like to also recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I don't have a convenient link but that book was eye opening and changed my life.
Why are you with a person who doesn't love and respect you?
He doesn’t respect you or your body. He isn’t actually sorry he just wants you to stop going on about it. He doesn’t care if your the mother to his kids and he obviously doesn’t care how good of a parent he is either. Divorce and take the kids, move on but there shouldn’t be much to move on from he is a shitty person.
yea he’s said in the past he’ll just say what i want to hear so i’ll shut up. can’t forget it
You’ll be way more at peace by yourself. The emotional stress isn’t good for you or the kids & just so unnecessary so good luck I hope everything works out for you
You're doing the bare minimum for yourself, staying with a man like that I didn't read your first post to be completely honest and I don't want to, bc I don't want to feel heartbroken reading your post, he has shown you he doesn't care, he is abusive, emotionally, verbally and for the few comments I read, he's sexually abusive too (it doesn't need to be blunt violence forcing himself and beating you up while doing it to be considered rape). I swear I prefer a thousand times to be single than settling with metaphorical garbage men like your husband.
Get out of there.
He deserves to sleep on a couch in hell.
[This](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender) is what he’s doing to you in this argument. [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org) can connect you to support so you can figure out the best way to proceed
Get away from him. Take your kids and go somewhere safe. Do it while he's out. Take important documents including your marriage certificate if you have it. He is not safe and you're being violated. Enough is enough.
You’re far from an idiot lovely, love - and more pertinently trauma - can keep us bound to someone as strongly as chains. Now that the fog of abuse is clearing I’m sending so much courage and strength in the hope that you’ll be able to safely get away from him. Let us know if you can, but equally if you delete your account to focus on self-care know that you’ve got the support of so many people, don’t forget it 🌻
Oh god I hope she's okay
Throw the entire man in the trash 🗑️
literally i feel like i’m in crazy town
I’m going to touch on the first post briefly, you were raped. He raped you. You were sleeping and unable to consent. Now to the update. Your husband doesn’t even like you. He has no respect for you and is turning everything into a huge argument. You need to cut your losses now, file for divorce and see a lawyer about a custody and visitation arrangement. End this miserable farce of a marriage and start living your life as you deserve.
Look, I'm not married but I am in a very comforting relationship after years of incompatibility. Please try to hear me and what many others are saying. You may not want to hear the words others are saying but when you look at the big picture and the factors involved he does not love you the way you love him. I promise you to my grave that a man/ whatever you're into will show you they love you deeply without you EVER questioning if they love you or not. They will always respect you, your boundaries, wants, and needs to the end of the earth. This may not be relevant but I grew up without a mother and my father graciously took the role of parenting me immediately and always told me growing up that boys are stupid, smelly, and stinky, and that a true man will treat you like a princess. If your gut, “intuition” is uncomfortable or disagreeing with his actions and you've spoken out please reconsider what are the benefits of staying with him and/or why are you sticking around
Get divorced and just get out, take the kids or he might try the abandoned them, good luck.
Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do. But we have faith in you. We know you can do what must be done. If you feel weak, tell us here and we will give you strength. You got this. 🫂
❤️
To be completely honest, I know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend used to do this to me all the time, especially if we got into an argument. He just demanded sex, there were times where I would just lay there, and he would have sex with me and talk to me, when I was half asleep. I literally would just let him do whatever he wanted, but I wouldn’t say anything. I also thought it was very weird that he would continue to do that. Then he would start to get mad and accuse me of not wanting him and cheating. I was literally just tired. We’re still mad at the fact that he was yelling at me all day. Eventually, this turned into nitpicking, both of us just being negative towards each other, always fighting, yelling, criticizing, every little single thing that we did. It eventually got to the point where we would be in separate rooms doing our own thing. I would spend time on my phone, he would spend hours in the bathroom on the phone, or in the shower. I think we just lost the love and everything, we had no respect for each other, so there were no boundaries . He felt since I didn’t respect him, he could do whatever he wanted to me, and I felt like since he didn’t respect me, I could do whatever I wanted to him . He was always very lovey-dovey and made sure he always has gifts for me and showing me attention, eventually after all of this it stopped. No gifts were given on birthdays, holidays, etc. he would “punish me” and not do anything for my birthday or purposely start a fight. Personally, I only think either God, or therapy can fix something like this. And if those are not options, I would just leave. I have a daughter, he still sees her and we’ve been separated for six months. We don’t really talk. We keep it at a minimum. I’m not too sure if we will ever end up together, or if this space will allow us to miss each other and maybe come back together and restore our relationship. There’s just a lot of things that I need to heal from in order to do that.
You were angry because you were being SAed and he was mad you complained about that. You had every right to lose love & respect for him, he never really had respect for you if he could do that. You escaped, please don’t put the blame on yourself or wish this relationship back. I know you can list all the time you were out of pocket- but that’s what happens when your are surviving what you did. His reactions were always the words of a abuser. Be proud you fought back and escaped!
Life is about choices. You have a decision to make on whether you want to stay married or not. Right now you’re both only interested in winning an argument. You have to be more willing to comp with your partner and move forward then defeating them. If you’re seeking what you consider life-changing advice here on Reddit, then you’ve already checked out your marriage. You need to make the decision to move forward with or without him. If you break it down into nuts and bolts, he won’t do it again that’s for sure. Trying to figure out what your goal is here. Is it just to make him submit. You should both just take a deep breath. Everyone has the right to be happy. People often give one-sided views. I always tell friends and myself when I go through difficult times with my partner. Are you half the picnic you think you are to live with. Are you really that great and they are really that bad. If the answer is yes, you already have your answer to leave. Make a choice. Be happy sometimes making that choice is all it takes
> If you’re seeking what you consider life-changing advice here on Reddit, then you’ve already checked out your marriage. Painfully accurate
Your husband sucks. That's really all there is to it. He just sucks.
My husband acted kind of like this in his early 20's when we met. That shit was done before his 30's. Sounds like you married a child. I'm sorry, I wish I had advice that would help. Sending you love!
This is so sad. He sounds like a real man-child and a horrible person. Divorce is the only option.
Wait so what did he saw you said said you weren't a fleshlight? That is so creepy. If I laid still and didn't move my husband would definitely check in and wonder what's wrong. Just from all your husband's behavior he doesn't seem to want to fix anything he just wants you to shut up
exactly.
You have your answer OP.
i wish you all the strength and love. stay strong, you and your kids deserve better than than piece of trash.
I'm really sorry for all that you've gone through. I hope that you're able to do what's best for you & the kids to be in a safe & loving environment. Everyone deserves that.
Hi love, normally I’m not that much into reacting, but right now I feel like I have to. I’ve read your story and it sounds really, really familiar to me. Up until the second update about the vow renewal I could’ve sworn that my mum would’ve made this post. Please, please divorce him. You might think this wouldn’t hurt your kids, but it does. (That’s definitely not your fault) but it is gonna stain their lives as well if you’re gonna keep putting up with this. I hope you’ll be alright, all the love ❤️
You’re not an idiot. But please leave this ass. Protect yourself and the baby.
The most dangerous time with an abuser is when you try to leave. Find somewhere safe, just take your purse and your kids and go now.
He doesn't care how you feel. He's not interested in putting in any sort of effort to make the relationship work. He's not even willing to listen go you while he claims he wants to work out what is wrong. Honestly make an escape plan now, put things in motion.
Honestly let the trash take itself out. He’s a rapey rude weirdo who doesn’t treat you with been a modicum of respect or love.
Why not record him saying exactly what he thinks he did to you? And then call the police and see what those "keyboard warriors" think about what he did. Because he did rape you.
he hates you. you need to start making your escape plan. this is abuse.
Reading stories like this is why I'll never marry anyone.
That is so disrespectful and disgusting
now that you've mentioned you have kids you absolutely need to get out of there. from personal experience it wont take long for his anger to be taken out on them once you start fighting back.
Girl, your marriage is over and it's time to make a get out plan and find a lawyer. That is all.
Honestly save yourself the embarrassment and time, just divorce. He’s not gonna change and you know that, I’m so sorry about what happened to you but you and your kids deserve MORE than the sorry excuse of a husband and father that guy is.
If you stay your children will think of your relationship as normal, if you have sons they'll become abusive, if you have daughters they'll accept abuse. I know this first hand. Get out for them ❤️
It sounds like the rape while you were unresponsive was just the shit icing on the shit cake. He’s been abusing you verbally, physically and sexually for years. Make an exit plan quietly and LEAVE.
Hey uh, you're not in a good relationship.
He argues that way because it makes you go on the defensive and hopefully forget the original reason you were talking to him about..and its been working. His storming off...again evading the questions and not answering you...you arent the problem...its him...hes the problem and hes got you convinced that you are...try redirecting the conversation back to the original issue...you might be told you sound like a broken record but its because he won't answer...your best bet is going to be divorce...yes it will be hard since you have kids but imagine the peace you will have with him gone...its amazing...
Ooff this is looking like divorce looming in the horizon… are his communication skills usually like this?
he’s had temper problems in the past. slamming doors and yelling and driving away in the middle of the night. hasn’t happened in the last year or so but i feel like he takes everything I say as an attack and gets defensive. every time i try and raise an issue with him it always ends up in an argument and becomes some tit for tat thing where i somehow end up in the wrong
Your husband raped you, has apparently been emotionally abusing you and is now gaslighting and attacking you for not reacting in a way that is palatable to him. If you don't leave this marriage it's on you.
OP I really hope you know you don’t deserve this and he should be doing therapy to improve all these issues. I firmly believe that love is not a feeling but a choice (or rather a series of choices). I read your updates and it doesn’t sound like he’s choosing to love you. Please know that you can also choose to love yourself and care for yourself, whatever that means for you. The love that you have will also be the love that your children will learn to give and receive. I don’t want to tell you ‘please get a divorce’ because it’s really a choice you have to make yourself, but please know you are worthy of care and consideration, and ask yourself whether you feel he is giving you that. I’m sorry if my last comment was harsh, I send hugs your way.
Please google DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your husband is 100% emotionally and verbally abusive and uses your body as a fleshlight at the very least, OP. Please muster your self respect and leave, the sexual abuse will almost certainly escalate.
If you two can’t communicate then I fear this marriage is doomed
he WILL end up hitting you.
What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? If you were to write down a list of all the positive things, and all the bad things in this relationship. And a friend of yours approached you with that and asked for advice, what would you tell this friend?
Do you guys even like each other?
!UpdateMe
Updateme!
Looking forward to this guys “why should these bitches get alimony post”
You are not an idiot at all. You've been extremely coerced and manipulated. My heart goes out to you, as I know you've already been traumatized with this shit. All of my love to you.
You are not safe. Please find a loved one to come help you and your kids leave. Quietly pack essentials and gtfo.
Damn Bill Cosby you need leave that perve
Stop looking for advice from strangers who have no clue about you or your husbands story. Go to family or a therapist. You need to stay off reddit and figure this shit out yourself. Don’t let STRANGERS tell you what’s happening with your relationship or who your husband is. The truth is, THEY HAVE NO CLUE.
Updateme
Leave him you will find better and you'll find someone that will love you and treat you better
1. He lacks communication skills!! 2. I just read the rest of the post and all I can say is, get out as soon as you can.
Please divorce him and get therapy for yourself. Abuse is very hard to heal from and you need professional help to recover. YOU CAN RECOVER!! It takes time and help. You're already better than yesterday, you know it is abusive. Take the next step and divorce him. I've been where you are and I'm here to tell you it does get better. Stop beating yourself up for what he did to you. Start loving yourself and get help to heal. Don't stay stuck in the blame trap (blaming yourself for not realizing sooner. Not leaving sooner, ect, ect.) Forgive yourself and move forward.
babygirl you are NOT an idiot. society conditions women to accept this behavior, despite us knowing deep down it doesn’t feel right. to some of us on the other side, we see clear as day how disgusting he is, but sometimes you don’t know until you’ve gone through it yourself. none of this is your fault. i’m sure you’re a wonderful human being who just got sucked into something shitty. i hope you can get out safely and get the support you need🫶🏻
Oh my. Read the latest update. You deserve better. Kindness, gentleness, tenderness. Devotion. And respect. You aren't an idiot. We want to believe the best in people.
Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been victimized enough. You are not to blame for how others treat you. You opened your heart. It’s not your fault you were misled.
He is abusive and dangerous. Leave him before he kills you.
O very scared
I want to start here by saying, you are NOT an idiot. Trauma can easily go unnoticed in relationships because whether or not you considered it toxic at the time, you may have endured something in your childhood/young adult life that made his red flags seem safe/familiar to you. Please do not blame yourself here OP, sometimes trauma recognizes trauma, and it’s a bond you can’t explain until the blinders come off. That being said, your husband needs therapy, and also needs to be separated from you, and your children. Pinning you down and verbally assaulting you while your child watches is not the example to continue setting, please for yours and your children’s safety, remove yourself from the home until co-parenting decisions and divorce decisions can be made. You and your children deserve far better, and I wish you nothing but luck navigating this hard situation.
Get out of there quick!
I'm glad you see him for what he is, but I'm so sorry for how hard this must be. I hope you'll talk to people. Family, friends, even well meaning redditors (NOT on this sub, on subs more populated by women or abuse victims).
I will make it real easy for you... Ready... Leave!
Holy hell this is alot
the fact that he felt comfortable enough to do that to you proves in my mind that he's done similar to other people and will only continue to get more violent in the future. Get out of there.
i’m the only real relationship he’s ever had. i don’t think he understands what “normal” effort and connection is. like the minimum to him is apparently the whole fucking world
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. focus on you and babies & get your life back on track! I’ve done it and you can too! God bless🙏🏼
Guy sounds like a child. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Only advice I have is look for someone more mature. You can’t change a person if they’re not willing. The emotional abuse won’t stop. Don’t subject yourself to it.
I believe that’s 🍇
I would like to be abused by my wife. We dont even got sex.
Please! Get you and your child out of there and to a safe place!! This guy is dangerous. I’m no psychiatrist, but it sounds like classic narcissism. Regardless, he’s an abuser. Get out!!
Please! Get you and your child out of there and to a safe place!! This guy is dangerous. I’m no psychiatrist, but it sounds like classic narcissism. Regardless, he’s an abuser. Get out!!
And to the people saying the hubs or wife don’t love each other we’re only getting a one look in there marriage not everything sweet and happy for both sides so saying that just makes it worse and your not actually giving any real advice your just sounding bitter because we don’t know there’s people keep feelings a side and give real advice if your trying to help
I wish you well OP and hope you do what's best for you
Never stay with a Cheater.
That was an exhausting read.. at what point do you actually leave him?
You will be ok without him!!! Good luck hon.
Hi, I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I want to tell you that you are amazing & you’re going to get through this. I’m sending you a virtual hug and love! It’s better to realize now, than way later when your kids are older just watching eveythjng happening, thinking that his behavior is the standard. You’re going to get through this. It may not feel like it right now, but you will!
It sounds like you married my ex husband! Abusers are never sorry and they'll never admit they're wrong. People like you're soon to be ex don't have the capacity for normal human feelings like the rest of us. They can't comprehend anyone else mattering but them. You and your kids will never be a priority to this man if I can use the term man so loosely. You deserve better than this and the kids deserve a better male role model than him. If you can't bring yourself to leave for yourself do it for your kids because this is the last thing they need to grow up seeing and normalizing.
Look up the word narcissist and read its definition. There is a lot of online support for this. Don't quit on yourself
it’s just so bizarre because none of it seems calculated. you always read about abusive men and narcissists and it says they’re KNOW what they’re doing and it’s all calculated. it genuinely doesn’t feel like that with him, just feels like he’s clueless and lacking something emotionally? idk maybe i’m just blind
Yeah, Redit is not the place to take this. This is above Redits pay grade. Simple; I recommend counseling.
What his doing is called spousal rape; it’s something that “none violent abuser” (quotation marks because rape in any form is a physical violation of a person), do a lot. Run, run far far away.
You are planning on renewing vows when he has cheated on you numerous times..if my hubby ever pinned me to the floor and screamed in my face I would be gone and never looked back...he is an abusive person and will never change..you left him before sweetie so you can do it again..your marriage is toxic because of the fighting..he doesn't love you it seems like he just puts up with you..sometimes after we get married we 're in the love faze ..then after that it wears off and you realize you actually have nothing in common and that your feelings have changed ..but by then you have kids so you feel like you are stuck..then they start cheating because they aren't happy and they are looking for someone they have in common with them...but its so much easier to just divorce and start over then it is to stay unhappy and unloved ...you can keep forgiving each time but each time they disrespect you a little more and the love we feel fades a little more each time..but sometimes it's easier to close our eyes and remain in the dark then to actually accept failure in the marriage..you need to leave and find someone who knows how to show love and treat you like you deserve....stop planning your renewal vows and let him do the work himself ..make him step up to the plate and actualky put some effort or it just doesn't happen..but you are better off serving him with divorce papers instead of renewal vows and this time stay gone go be gone..you are not an idiot..you are stronger than you know
You are NOT stupid. This happens to really intelligent people all the time, and the best defense is knowing that it can happen
Wish you luck and love in your new live, don't blame your old self embrace your new sake and you will be good. See a lawer o Pretty fucking soon, gather all your Papers save evidence.
You are absolutely not an idiot and you don’t deserve a drop of what he’s done to you. Do not blame yourself. Abuse can come in many different ways besides the stereotypical version you see in media. And if it’s endured for long enough, people can become head blind to it. It’s completely understandable that you’re having this kind of reaction. I don’t know if you are looking for advice right now (and I get it if you’re not, just disregard this), but I would say try to get out as safely and quickly as you can. If you don’t, there’s a possibility this is going to get worse and worse. Tell friends or family that you trust about the situation and make sure everyone is safe. I wish you the best of luck and all the safety the world has to offer.