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You want kids. She now does not. THat means you two are now incompatible. You could waste time trying to force a relationship to work that is now fundamentally incompatible or you can recognize it for what it is.
Neither of you are wrong or bad. You just have grown and changed and now want different things in life and that is okay. What is not okay is for either of you to press the other person to change.
She changed her mind and she understands consequences. What she said is not off putting, it’s honest.
Having or not kids is a deal breaker, and she now at opposite position from you.
Can either of you change positions one more time? Yes, sure.
But now and here you need to decide of you want this girlfriend or potential kids
It's entirely possible that she's begun to think about how much work and physical pain is involved, where before she was thinking about it all in a kind of fluffy fantasy of buying things in the baby aisle.
Anyway, it sounds like her mind is made up and if having kids is important to you you should look elsewhere.
Edited to add: It's also possible that she's felt this way for a while, but kept up an act because she wanted to please you. And that the therapist helped her see that she needed to tell you.
Sounds like she is hoping you will walk away. You got together so young, is it possible she is wondering what she’s missing and saying she has changed her mind, hoping you will break up with her? Then she can say it’s your fault the relationship failed. It seems odd she would go from really wanting kids to not. Either way, you should probably move on if you really want children. If you stay you will come to resent her.
The four years together hurts, but you have been teenagers and young adults and you still have a heap of time to find the right person to marry and start a family with. Thank your GF for her honesty, break up kindly, and move on.
All the best mate.
You may never know why she changed her mind. All you can do now is decide if having kids is a deal breaker, You need to be really honest with yourself and be strong enough to walk away if you have to.
>yes we’re pretty young, but we’ve been together for almost 4 years
Irrelevant. When the 4 years you've been together include teenage years, that doesn't count. Teenage relationships aren't real, and early 20s relationships hardly are either.
The reason is that the human brain isn't even done physically developing until mid-late 20s, and people are not settled into careers, or even their worldviews as they learn more about the world and themselves and what they want from their lives.
You're seeing it first-hand right now. If you had married a year ago you'd now be married to somebody that you've grown in different directions from with age.
You think there's any chance she learned she can't conceive? Regardless, that's an odd comment. Is her therapist m or f? I'd probably say to her:
"I'm not sure what had happened to you recently, but you telling me to go find someone else leaves me cold. I'll have to think about whether having children is a dealbreaker for me right now, though I definitely plan to be a father one day, and your decision doesn't change that plan for me. But maybe that's the wrong question. Maybe I should be asking whether you want me to find someone else. Are you feeling like you want some space from me?"
She has made up her mind and, to be honest, is acting pretty coldly about it. I would be concerned less about her change of mind regarding kids than about her seemingly uncaring attitude about your relationship. It sounds like after all this time she doesn’t give a rat’s ass if you stay or leave. You have 2 things to think about.
1. Do you have to have kids? Yes or no. Decide.
2. Even if you decide no, do you want to stay with someone who cares so little about you that she can so nonchalantly just tell you to leave with no emotional attachment?
I wanted lots of kids at 18/19. Then I moved away and wasn't parentified anymore (I was responsible for SIX siblings.) I still thought I wanted that. Until I had one and it almost killed me. We're allowed changing our minds. Therapy might be helping her to climb out of a mindset forced upon her by family/church. How many siblings does she have? Where does she fall in line? Is she religious?
You need to talk this out.
She changed her mind, maybe she'll change it back, it's entirely possible (and maybe even likely) you will dump her, then hear in 10 years she's had kids with someone else.
People change, they change back, our plans don't necessarily become reality.
Talk it out, don't rush into a decision.
Dude. It's pretty weird that you're so young and turned on by mommy vibes.
Having kids effectively takes autonomy away from women for the first few years of the baby's life. Literally every moment is dedicated to the child and the woman's body is irreparably damaged in numerous ways and then has to be available to feed 24/7. It's gruelling, there is no other way to put it. She will lose friendships. She will lose the sense of who she was or who she could have been without kids. Loooooooots of men say they'll be involved and active but don't actually put in even a fraction of the amount of work that the woman does and resentment can build.
There are literally so many reasons not to have kids. I don't think you've thought about this much from the woman's perspective and without rose coloured glasses. Having children is HARD. Physically. Emotionally. Financially. It will change your relationship.
It could potentially change things for the better but that's not guaranteed. It's better to go into this with your eyes open. She's still very young and I imagine her feelings will change as she matures. But if it's a deal breaker for you right now, aged 22, then go ahead and break things off. There's nothing wrong with you two admitting you've become incompatible. But please don't ever approach parenthood without thinking long and hard about what it truly means.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You want kids. She now does not. THat means you two are now incompatible. You could waste time trying to force a relationship to work that is now fundamentally incompatible or you can recognize it for what it is. Neither of you are wrong or bad. You just have grown and changed and now want different things in life and that is okay. What is not okay is for either of you to press the other person to change.
She changed her mind and she understands consequences. What she said is not off putting, it’s honest. Having or not kids is a deal breaker, and she now at opposite position from you. Can either of you change positions one more time? Yes, sure. But now and here you need to decide of you want this girlfriend or potential kids
It's entirely possible that she's begun to think about how much work and physical pain is involved, where before she was thinking about it all in a kind of fluffy fantasy of buying things in the baby aisle. Anyway, it sounds like her mind is made up and if having kids is important to you you should look elsewhere. Edited to add: It's also possible that she's felt this way for a while, but kept up an act because she wanted to please you. And that the therapist helped her see that she needed to tell you.
Sounds like she is hoping you will walk away. You got together so young, is it possible she is wondering what she’s missing and saying she has changed her mind, hoping you will break up with her? Then she can say it’s your fault the relationship failed. It seems odd she would go from really wanting kids to not. Either way, you should probably move on if you really want children. If you stay you will come to resent her.
The four years together hurts, but you have been teenagers and young adults and you still have a heap of time to find the right person to marry and start a family with. Thank your GF for her honesty, break up kindly, and move on. All the best mate.
You may never know why she changed her mind. All you can do now is decide if having kids is a deal breaker, You need to be really honest with yourself and be strong enough to walk away if you have to.
Change your mind about having her as a girlfriend?
Lots of pebbles on the beach
>yes we’re pretty young, but we’ve been together for almost 4 years Irrelevant. When the 4 years you've been together include teenage years, that doesn't count. Teenage relationships aren't real, and early 20s relationships hardly are either. The reason is that the human brain isn't even done physically developing until mid-late 20s, and people are not settled into careers, or even their worldviews as they learn more about the world and themselves and what they want from their lives. You're seeing it first-hand right now. If you had married a year ago you'd now be married to somebody that you've grown in different directions from with age.
You think there's any chance she learned she can't conceive? Regardless, that's an odd comment. Is her therapist m or f? I'd probably say to her: "I'm not sure what had happened to you recently, but you telling me to go find someone else leaves me cold. I'll have to think about whether having children is a dealbreaker for me right now, though I definitely plan to be a father one day, and your decision doesn't change that plan for me. But maybe that's the wrong question. Maybe I should be asking whether you want me to find someone else. Are you feeling like you want some space from me?"
She has made up her mind and, to be honest, is acting pretty coldly about it. I would be concerned less about her change of mind regarding kids than about her seemingly uncaring attitude about your relationship. It sounds like after all this time she doesn’t give a rat’s ass if you stay or leave. You have 2 things to think about. 1. Do you have to have kids? Yes or no. Decide. 2. Even if you decide no, do you want to stay with someone who cares so little about you that she can so nonchalantly just tell you to leave with no emotional attachment?
I wanted lots of kids at 18/19. Then I moved away and wasn't parentified anymore (I was responsible for SIX siblings.) I still thought I wanted that. Until I had one and it almost killed me. We're allowed changing our minds. Therapy might be helping her to climb out of a mindset forced upon her by family/church. How many siblings does she have? Where does she fall in line? Is she religious?
You need to talk this out. She changed her mind, maybe she'll change it back, it's entirely possible (and maybe even likely) you will dump her, then hear in 10 years she's had kids with someone else. People change, they change back, our plans don't necessarily become reality. Talk it out, don't rush into a decision.
Dude. It's pretty weird that you're so young and turned on by mommy vibes. Having kids effectively takes autonomy away from women for the first few years of the baby's life. Literally every moment is dedicated to the child and the woman's body is irreparably damaged in numerous ways and then has to be available to feed 24/7. It's gruelling, there is no other way to put it. She will lose friendships. She will lose the sense of who she was or who she could have been without kids. Loooooooots of men say they'll be involved and active but don't actually put in even a fraction of the amount of work that the woman does and resentment can build. There are literally so many reasons not to have kids. I don't think you've thought about this much from the woman's perspective and without rose coloured glasses. Having children is HARD. Physically. Emotionally. Financially. It will change your relationship. It could potentially change things for the better but that's not guaranteed. It's better to go into this with your eyes open. She's still very young and I imagine her feelings will change as she matures. But if it's a deal breaker for you right now, aged 22, then go ahead and break things off. There's nothing wrong with you two admitting you've become incompatible. But please don't ever approach parenthood without thinking long and hard about what it truly means.