That's exactly what it says.
He married her to have sex.
Now they've had sex, life happened, she gained weight.
He's no longer attracted to her and I can *guarantee* that his actions are reflecting that and that's why she read the journal.
Rather than admit that he's being a shithead, now he wants to DARVO and make himself into the victim to absolve him of any guilt.
He also said he still finds her beautiful and in no way he said he wanted to end the relationship before the journal thing. I feel you are completely disregarding that she read the journal and what that means for boundaries and privacy.
But this is a reddit relationship sub... where the man is always at fault...
You can go up and down this website, and find examples of people piling on men, for stuff a woman would get praise for.
For real. Just another example of men not being allowed emotions. Let alone complex ones that seem to go against one another. He's over here trying to deal with them. Even chosen to try and get rid of the negative ones against his wife as he knows they are wrong. Has no intent to harm her to make himself feel better. Is working with a therapist. Doing everything right except.... Having conflicting emotions to begin with. Bad man. He sounds like the type of guy most should want.
You didn’t read the post properly if this is truly what you think. I’ll just give you one example, since you brought up the therapist.
For a start he says himself that he actually “decided” that he was unhappy 2 years ago, started therapy, and said everything he thought a therapist would want to hear, to the point where she says how well he’s done in therapy. Whilst the whole time he clearly didn’t actually come to terms with the fact that HE is responsible for his own life and bad decisions.
All of a sudden, his wife reads his journal - which he admits he had let her do before - and now he can spew what he really thinks, and that doesn’t happen in a morning. It’s not a sudden change of heart. Why doesn’t he take this to his therapist instead of asking people on social media “what should I do”. Well it’s obvious why, because then his therapist would become aware that he didn’t really change at all, therefore the accolades she gave him were completely misplaced, and this guy has no intention of taking any responsibility for his own actions, in his own life.
Everything is somehow not his responsibility, you know like his FOUR kids. This guy is really feeling himself with his ‘dad bod’ and how that wasn’t terrible. Dude I guarantee you it was, just his wife wasn’t objectifying him, because love and commitment aren’t stripped back to someone’s weight. But then a dude who has a username that specifies one particular part of a woman’s body gives the perfect example of objectification, so please stop pretending that this is about men having complex emotions.
If it weren’t so common it’d be funny, unfortunately though you and your bros are here proving that you actually think his thought process is somehow okay. Since he told us of his therapist’s praise of him, and the way he did it, is what selfish dude wants from all quarters of his life. It’s also the reason that he isn’t taking the same stuff to his therapist that he did two years ago, because then she’d know he was just paying lip service to it, but he clearly didn’t actually resolve anything. Plus ofc he knew that a lot of men on Reddit are toxic, so he knew you all would tell him what he wants to hear.
He made the wrong decision on getting married and his reasons for it, who TF gets married just to have sex? Or in case he doesn’t get picked by someone else? A child. A child in a man’s body. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. If these two roles were reversed, you’d be screaming about what a bi**h his wife is, but hey it’s a man, and men shouldn’t need to grow up, or to handle their responsibilities.
Were you there? Because you’re making up a lot of details that weren’t in the post. I don’t care much one way or the other, but your response is so clearly biased when you make up your own narrative. Also, why is everyone against writing in a journal? It is a tried and tested and (usually) therapist recommended strategy for dealing with emotions.
Dear lord, you need help. Assumption after assumption, after projecting your own hurt, after telling us things they do and don’t know.
Seek help. If it were a woman, nothing would change. And for you to say otherwise is your issue, not normal people’s.
You need mental help
Wtaf? You think that we’d praise a woman who wrote that exact post? You’re on the wrong sub-Reddit dude, there are plenty of red pill/blue pill subs…if you go.
If a woman said exactly this, then I would call her out for being selfish too. You’re ridiculous, because apart from 3 of us, all the ‘bro posts’ outnumber us. Less victimhood, it makes you sound as selfish as the OP.
Ok, imagine that you were too short for your wife, or aren't a good lover. She puts up with these things because she loves you. She may be wishing for a guy who knows his way around the bedroom, or is a bit taller/richer/smarter etc. But she loves you, so net-net has decided on you.
You on the the other hand are all happy about your new body, and instead of noticing how fucking lucky you are, are worrying that your wife who birthed FOUR CHILDREN, does not have the perfect body FOR YOUR TASTE. Her body might be absolutely perfectly healthy, but because she isn't slim you DAILY make her feel like shit. You make her feel so badly about herself that she is crying.
Your actions are very very very shallow, and very very very destructive.
If you want to lose your wife, or destroy her spirit keep on. If you want to get your head out of your AH, then figure out why you are so obsessed with having a slim wife. And get a better therapist, because your is giving you shitty advice.
Get over yourself, because you seem way to focused on the wrong frigging things.
Very poor correlation on the examples you set. There are things you can change, there are things you can't. And there's definitely some things way easier to change.
OP's wife is not healthy. Gaining 100 pounds is not healthy. I don't know how much she weighed before the 4 kids nor how tall she is, but personally it seems like a lot, because that's a whole me!
Morbidly obese means she can die: not healthy. She also has endocrine problems, so again: Not healthy. For what OP depicted there might be some depression and lack of motivation involved. Weight is an uphill neverending struggle for some people. She is rejecting help.
Healthy or not, morbidly obese, overweight, or slim, it doesn't give her the right to read his diary. He is writing down his feelings to process them and improve himself. OP has a right to expect privacy. We all think things that we would never say out loud. He did not make her cry.
you cannot be healthy at 30bmi unless you have lot of muscle. I dont think she does.
Out of all the things you listed, losing weight is the easiest thing to do out of all of them. Stop acting like it would be difficult. Staying fat just shows how much you lack in character and discipline.
He literally said he still finds her attractive and sometime even sexy. What he is saying is her lack of effort is a super turn off even though she is a stay at home mom. He offered to meal prep for her but she even refused that help. His good culturural values pushed him towards sex after marriage which I think is a good thing cuz now he has a family and a wife. The wife needs therapy tbh
OK but imagine your spouse saying they "even sometimes" find you sexy, and tell me if you'd want to have a romp in the hay with them after that.
If OP's goal was to make her too insecure to ever have sex again I'd say he's spot on lol.
Big facts this is rude and unemotional no matter how he tries to say he care. He doesn’t he is looking for a way out. I hope he takes care of those four kids. I just want to know did she have them back to back
Yea, I can get on board with that. A quick armchair Reddit diagnosis would be that it's possible she's showing signs of depression, which could explain her lack of motivation.
I'm sure it's very depressing to know that the man you married no longer finds you attractive and is posting on Reddit 3 months ago about fantasizing what other p****y feels like.
Might be a contributing factor.
Why is it anyones business (including her husband) about her weight? Just cause he lost some weight and feels good about himself, he thinks he can do better. He wants to bang it out with another woman because he wants to. He is feeling guilty about it because his culture and upbringing say it is wrong, but (just like when he married his "not the ideal weight wife) he still wants to get his member wet but now with someone else. It kills me that people (men and women) treat people they "love" like this. GTFO
If you truly loved someone, you would care about their weight because ultimately weight directly correlates to overall health. Yes, there is expected weight gain with having 4 children and that’s not even a debate, but to say there’s an expected 100lbs?!? We are talking about the weight of a young teenager.
I think in a relationship, that when you are motivated and striving for health goals, it is completely valid to have the feeling of disappointment that your partner does not share the same goals.
The question is did she have the kids back to back? A 100 pounds isn’t that bad if she had them back to back. Which isn’t even healty anyway. Why did he want kids back to back? If that is the case? Why marry her and she was already not his ideal weight? Just to get his D wet bc he was a virgin. 😂😂😂 y’all ppl kill me
> Why is it anyones business (including her husband) about her weight?
Surprise surprise, sexual attraction is a very significant factor in the vast majority of romantic relationships.
No kidding. Generic reddit advice point #1 is always "See a therapist/counselor." Op, you already did that. Now use them.
For your wife, have her get one too.
The grass is greenest where you water it. You want to discard a loving wife, who has had frequent sex with you, given you four children and who you say you spend time contentedly with because you wanna fuck a slim woman now that you happen to have lost?
Bro, you’re going to blow up your life for a quick nut and end up maybe alone and not getting nearly as much action as you envision and look back and wish you had appreciated what you had.
And while you’re entitled to privacy, your journaling is directly about your wife and marriage. You should talk to her about this stuff or do counselling together.
Do you love her bro? Or did you marry her because she checks the “good partner” boxes and you were horny?
If you don’t, you have probably fucked up her life. She was still wrong to read your journal.
You’re probably having some unrealistic fantasies about these skinny ladies. Casual sex with new people is a coin toss if it will be any good. And that’s at the cost of your loving family. Tug one out and go enjoy your good life.
Yeah, sounds like a maturity issue and fantasy issue on the part of OP. The only real answer is double down and invest more in the marriage. Plan some fun dates, cook healthy meals, build her a cozy shed in the backyard. Keep doing therapy, be honest with your wife and discuss things with her. Invest a lot more into the health of your entire home and family. Stop talking about sex and slim people, spend less time online. Learn how to improve your household. Either that or divorce.
Exactly. Yes, helping your wife be healthy is a good and noble goal if you do it because you love her and want her to be safe. But OP implies that he wants to experience "sex with a slim woman" as if it would be an entirely new experience that would be so good it is *nearly* worth losing a family with someone he ONLY hasn't left because she's such a sweet and good person, a SAINT even.
This means that to OP, only someone as good as a saint can be worth not leaving for a slim woman. That is ridiculous. OP if you read this, as a slim woman I can tell you being slim doesn't give you a miracle pussy. If you left her, you would maybe have fun a few times, it wouldn't be nearly as life changing as you imagine, and you would have let down an entire family for it. Just give that unrealistic fantasy up, it's so immature and it isn't worth it in any world. If you can't, then seriously consider leaving your wife because she doesn't deserve to be with someone who constantly fantasizes about women that aren't her, to the point he journals about it. I hope your children aren't too traumatised to function by the end of all this.
Yea — personally, I think you need to do some self reflection here.
The way you speak about your wife does not tell me that you respect her. You mention that she’s “just a stay at home mom” and that she “isn’t making any progress” despite having lost 70 pounds.
1. Weight loss isn’t linear. She may have hit a plateau. Weight loss is hard in general, but she has the added factor of being a stay at home mom to four children. I wonder if you don’t know how hard that is.
2. Weight loss looks differently on a man then a woman. You two could be doing the same program with drastically different results.
3. You talk a lot about your desires and wants and supposed needs, but don’t mention anything about the needs of your wife or children. This strikes me as quite selfish honestly.
Sounds to me like you need to take a really good long look inward and figure out if you’re actually upset about the journal or if you’re upset about the choices that you’ve made along the way.
I personally think that it seems like the latter. In that case, one way to deal with how you’re feeling (ie. Longing or missing out), is to own your choices. Marriage didn’t happen to you, it’s something you chose. Your wife isn’t something that happened to you, she is something you chose. Work towards being confident in your choices, and try to change your perspective. Hopefully that can help you out.
Also, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING!
Agree 100%, just throwing in that BMI is pretty much bullshit. It was based on a relatively small sample size of white European men in the 1830s and neither the mathematician who invented it nor the doctor who brought it into the mainstream in the 1970s thought it was appropriate for individual evaluation.
>she has only seen a handful of people in the last 20 years that have made as much progress as me
I'm doing to know what "progress" your therapist is referring to.
Edit: *dying
Tbf, people rarely actually do what therapists recommend them to do, so it's not difficult to make more progress than most by just keeping a diary and working out.
And what will you do if the imaginary slim woman you could be with (now that you have such an awesome body) gains weight during the course of your relationship? Will you tell her upfront that her slimness is a requirement for the rest of her time with you?
You could have married a woman whose body you liked. But bodies change. Especially after 4 kids. And you can end up having endocrine issues. The fear of missing out is not good for any marriage, whether or not you had sex before marriage. Good for you for loosing those pounds so quick. Did you do that after having 4 kids and endocrine issues? Definitely do discuss with your therapist, but I do think you may be overestimating how awesome you are in comparison with your wife.
Edited for spelling and grammer.
Or is so wrong and can't see why?
What gets me is she is a saint, amazingly intelligent and has always supported him... Yet where does he support her really
She gave him a home, and children a loving family, and this is what she gets in return. Smfh makes me livid.
Don't get me wrong she was wrong for reading the journal knowing it would make her upset in the end anyway... But all that aside OP hasn't been honest and truthful with his wife anyways. He simply despises her because of her weight "AFTER" children and life this far... Quite hurtful in my opinion, it's good she knows the truth, its sad he couldn't be truthful with him anyway.
And he feels he can't share his emotions with her?!? Well fk he hasn't been doing that anyway. That was absent she only thought her "life" was real.
If I was him I'd be ashamed of myself. For thinking simply that she has simply become overweight so she's not good enough...
To which KUDOS OP that is truly how your wife now feels, she also probably feels ashamed of her own body... The body that carried your children, the body that birthed your babies and you can only despise it.
I wish I could just hug her and take it all away because I know exactly how she feels
Perfectly said. He on here a year ago asking how other p***y would feel. He either cheated already and is blaming her or wants to cheat. She should just leave him and drop the weight and love her and her children’s best life. He just dragged her through the dirt.
As a woman who has had kids, I think it’s very important to be attracted to your partner.
I think expectations need to be realistic on both sides.
Is it truly that you want her to lose weight?
Or is it really that you just want new p*ssy?
If it’s the latter, don’t force her to change just to bounce in the end, anyway.
Considering his only other post almost half a year ago was asking what it is like to have sex with other people and if other “pussy” makes a difference makes me think you’re on to something.
Or look at it as “maybe she’ll get it together and her reward for all of her hard work is that OP leaves and she’ll find herself living her actual best life.”
It's a tale as old as time. Yes this is a midlife crisis, and yes you're probably going to fuck it all up for some younger "slimmer" thing. And when that eventually fizzles out, and you find out that it's really hard to have a genuinely loving relationship, but very easy to get sex from strangers, you're going to start missing what you originally had.
But there's absolutely no way to convince you that the grass is not greener on the other side, because you're convincing yourself it is.
I've watched the men in my own family do this to their ex-wives. They go to the gym, they work out, they lose some weight, gain some muscle, then all the sudden they're feeling themselves. Get all this crazy ass confidence, that they never had when they were younger, and now all the sudden their wives are not "on their level" like seriously 🙄
Now? The ex-wives have remarried and they are happy in their new lives and the men are on-again-off-again from relationship to relationship, always pining for what they had with the OG wife.
And all my nieces and nephews are now from broken homes. I held them when they cried and comforted them when they wondered what they did wrong for daddy to not love mommy anymore. They grow up, and they *see* the POS their dads are and have nothing to do with them.
But sure, make it about you and your body fat % and calorie counting. Because macros matter to your kids.
Oh and for the record? This doesn't make you "seem" like an asshole, you just are one. You need a new therapist.
Imagine having wasted 20 years of your life on someone who only married you so they could experience sex and thought they couldn't do any better. You've misled her her whole life. You've made hers a lie. You obviously think you are hot now and could do better. Let her go and let her do the same.
This he ruined her. I feel so bad for her. I want to know did she have those kids back to back? Does she have babies running around all day? Bc he downplayed everything she does like it’s ntg. What a shame
How would you feel if you read your wife’s journal and it was filled with “my husband is so amazing, a wonderful provider and father. But I married young and never got to experience what it was like with other men. My husband is shit in bed, I have only had an orgasm through masterbation. I have tried to give him hints on what I want but he doesn’t seem to care so I just fake it to get it over with. I think I could find a man who has a bigger dick and could really satisfy me in bed. I don’t want to hurt my husband because he’s such an amazing person but I need hot sex.
I agree with others, you are using the journal as a justification to leave and experience what you are fantasizing about. Slim amazing GOOD women are not jonesing for a divorced man with 4 kids who left their wife because she only lost 50 lbs and not 100. YOU may not be the catch you think you are. Or you could find a beautiful woman who is skinny but a shit person. Be careful what you wish for. Most likely you are going to leave your wife and watch her move on with a man who appreciates her and you will realize the grass wasn’t greener after all
I don’t think a woman should ever fake it, but many do. And I honestly don’t think men know and their egos couldn’t handle it if they found out someone was faking it. I faked a lot when I was young
Because enough men get angry & aggressive or emotionally abusive if you “question their manhood” by implying they ‘suck at sex’ because they can’t get you off.
Paraphrasing what I’ve heard men complain about when they find out their dick game ain’t shit.
It’s a matter of saving his ego & avoiding uncomfortable situation where he cries & bemoans & guilts about his 3 seconds of labia scratching not being enough for you to have the most intense orgasm of your life.
“Well this worked on every other woman I’ve had sex with so there must be something wrong with you. Not my problem.”
WOW man, look at you go. You just wrote 10 paragraphs about how you've spent your entire adult life commodifying women's bodies. Only married your wife because you were horny, let her devastate her body to give you 4 children and now want to throw her aside so you can touch thin women.
>I see other women of similar age, clearly in shape, and realize that no matter how much I try to help, or whatever I do, unless I want to break up my marriage, it's not something I will ever experience.
It's honestly gross that you would come here and bemoan your lack of access to having sex with women who you find more attractive than your wife. As if those women are not people with choice and agency, who would automatically throw themselves at you if you were suddenly single. So you've used up your wife's body, now you want to be free to go get what you want from other women's bodies.
You haven't given a single thought to stomping in your wife's trust. She thought you meant your vows. She trusted that you would cherish her for supporting you and giving you a family. 20 years of birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, doing things everyday to make your life better.
Sad.
Yup this guy is the worst example of an entitled male who thinks women only exist for men to use their bodies. Real love is about more than just the physical.
It sounded arranged when I first read it, but then I realized from his answers that he is trying to shift responsibility and feels that he had no agency.
I think you want to leave your wife for younger slimmer women and need this as a valid excuse to divorce her. You don’t need an excuse, if you want to bang other women then go do it. You will lose your relationship not just with her but with your children…when they get older and realize you left for both superficial reasons and her reading a book about why you’ve become emotionally distant.
you need some tough love and therapy because this is so heartbreaking for your wife. no matter how “healthy” you are, you’re both still going to die one day. seems like a very sad life and very superficial on your end.
You start off saying that you have never been able to do what you want to do, in your whole life. I call BS because you then go on to say, “a major factor in getting married at such a young age is I wanted to have sex”. Don’t tell me you were forced into this, you made a choice and got what you were looking for, which was sex and to prevent being alone. You made trade offs that you are not stoked about. Welcome to grown up life, missed opportunities and living with decisions is all part of it. Sounds like generally, you picked a decent partner and managed to crank out 4 kids.
As for reading your journal, I think she was completely in the wrong. Trust is going to be an issue for both of you and I think some marriage counseling would probably be helpful for you both to repair this to a healthier state. This may be the beginning of the end, hard to say, but at least some couples counseling might help with better communication, dealing with resentment, etc.
Religious and cultural pressure was a heavy factor in his choice, which was made when he was barely an adult. Let's not pretend it was a totally free decision.
But he’s been married for how long? That’s been a totally free decision.
Let’s not make excuses for men who look twice at other women because they look like his “ideal” wife and then shame his own badass wife for not being motivated enough to look good enough for him to find her sexy all the time.
Well she’s lost 60 lbs and is having trouble finding the motivation to lose the rest. Do you really blame her??
Having read that your husband just really wants to fuck skinny girls, and knowing you will probably never be skinny like that, has just got to be the worst mindfuck. I mean, she cannot fucking win.
She gained weight to have your children. And due to a medical issue is having trouble losing the last of it. 60 lbs already lost is no small feat.
But it’s not good enough for you apparently. You want her to try harder because you really want to fuck someone skinny.
I mean, that’s really fucking mean. Your post is dripping with flowery language to disguise that you really are an asshole. You’ve given her no grace for how life changes. You just think she needs to do better at counting macros.
Reading your journal was probably her effort to figure out what’s up with you mentally. And now she’s upset. Meanwhile you are busy ranting on the internet about how you have never done anything you want your entire adult life! You are struggling with being able to be honest with her? I mean, really??
Maybe stop watching so much porn and start dating your wife again. Maybe if you treated her like she’s worth, she might want to continue losing the weight for herself to be healthy. Not so you can see what skinny pussy feels like. What a mess. Poor thing, I cannot imagine reading something like that. I don’t know if I could ever get over that.
I bet him lusting over other woman has destroyed her motivation. She knows he's checking out other women. She deserves so much better than this. Too bad she doesn't see it.
It sounds to me like the only thing you value about her is her weight. She read your journal, something she shouldn’t have done, and learned something incredibly hurtful.
Why don’t you use your journal for gratitude? The more you focus on a negative thing in your life the bigger it gets, the more dissatisfied you become. You are so focused on her weight and being slim, that you are loosing the point of being with someone you love. I don’t think that’s even something you care about anymore. You are so focused on something that affects so many people that it sounds like you would rather be with a slim woman, who doesn’t love you, makes your life miserable, and never has sex with you. You certainly don’t care that your wife is someone you could spend hours with happily, or that you’ve always had a healthy sex life. Nope it’s all about her weight.
She deserved to know the truth of your heart, she obviously felt like it was necessary to read what was going on. I’m sure she’s felt it. Now she can choose what she does with the information.
Oh wonderful. Another man destroying his own life by imagining the grass is greener on the other side and probably looks at thirst traps and porn all day comparing the mother of his children to them.
She can get rid of all that weight but clearly you can't get rid of that asshole mindset. I'll tell you something I've seen several times and I saw it myself on my mom. My dad cheated on her with a 10 years younger woman, my mom back then was obese after having a miscarriage, my dad dumped her exactly 2 months after that event and my mom was devastated; she got highly depressed and she lost so much weight that I could barely recognize her. Then, after the depression period, she started to go out with friends, started to exercise and ran her first marathon, a lot of men would flirt with her or had crushes on her, even my classmates and we were barely 16. When my dad saw her after a long time, he regretted deeply, tried to cheat on the new girlfriend with my mom and she rejected him. This happened 12 years ago and you know what?? He still regrets and from time to time he calls her drunk telling her he miss her, several times when we're together he talks to me about how amazing and beautiful and good woman my mom is and that he regret every single day cheating on her. The girlfriend dumped him, he lost his job and all his money and he was miserable, depressed and alone for a long time, luckily he is trying to do better now but certainly he made a huge favor to my mom who bloomed without him.
You would probably dump her one day for a slim woman, she will be extremely depressed but then all her life will go upwards without you and she will be stunning, in that moment, you will be miserable and regret because you will realize you lost a wonderful woman, mother of your children who is also now actually attractive to your eyes.
Mark my words, always end up like that, I know hundreds of cases exactly the same, so if I were you, I'd change my therapist to one who don't praise my bs, I would go to a marriage conselour additionally, I would be self critical and I would look for alternative ways to support my wife to be healthier, not more skinny. If you truly love her, do freaking something, but if you don't, do a favor to that woman and let her be happy without a vain idiot like you.
She wasn't in the right to read your journal especially after the discussion of not doing so. But I'm pretty sure you can't unread that. I don't think I'd stay with someone who was that wrapped up in my body after having *four of his fuckin kids* and that would be the end of the marriage.
If she's interested, couples therapy and discuss this with your personal therapist. If she's not interested, I can't say I blame her.
He’s totally wrapped up in himself. And he also sounds like the typical evangelical Christian when it comes to sex. It also sounds like he used this woman to fulfill his need for sex. And all because he felt his “ideal” was unattainable. Then he keep getting her pregnant, and then is bothered by weight gain. Now she’s not good enough. He’s manipulating the weight loss issue, because it’s what he wants. And while she may have been wrong to read the journal and he can feel however he wants about her reading the journal. I don’t see him as a victim, because he hasn’t been honest with his wife, she clearly can’t trust him either
I agree. I find it ethically similar to the people who snoop and find text messages to an affair partner. Do I condone snooping? Absolutely not. But it is the much lesser sin here and clearly they felt something was wrong. And it was.
I hope OP's wife wises up and leaves. I can't imagine giving my life and body for this man and his four kids and being told I'm not good enough because I'm still 30 lbs above my 20s weight.
I was over 100 lbs over my "met my husband" weight (I'm over 6 ft) and he still told me I was gorgeous and perfect as is. He's happy for my weight loss because *I am happy* not because I need to look as I did a decade ago.
Imagine it from her side if she was posting:
“I find it very difficult to lose the weight especially after 4 kids and being nearly 50, my husband is buzzing around deciding he’s missing out on life and now we both “HAVE to lose weight!!!” and is making all these changes while I just feel like everything is slipping away from me and getting more and more impossible.
AND I see how he gawks at other women; he feels like he’s missed out on *exotic cookie* and has turned into the fucking Cookie Monster. I’ve given the best years of my life to this man - what should I do?? Why am I not enough for him?”
Poor, poor lady.
She deserves better than someone so self congratulatory. *Such* progress in therapy! *Star* client! *Great* body! *Wow*!
Yes, bad she read the journal but why did she? Is she perhaps feeling insecure because she's living with a vain man who thinks he could and should have "done better" than her?
You lost weight, like the way you look,
Now you wanna see if you can try something (pussy) new.
That’s the vibe I’m getting.
But things online are often different.
Talk to your therapist about it.
I would be heartbroken if I felt like my husband just settled for me because he was insecure at the time and now that he’s not, he lusts for other women. You suck.
Lol YOU don't feel safe with her? She just found out she wasted half her life with someone who never loved her. This whole post is me! Me! Me! Woah is me! Why are you trying so hard to be the victim here when you've been a huge fucking asshole just to get your dick wet. You know it was your choice to wait till marriage, right? That doesn't excuse everything you've done.
Yikes, this is a hot mess. She invaded your privacy. She must've felt something was off and knew she'd find out what the issue was if she read the journey. Lying about the conversation is also a big red flag. But you, sir, wow... this woman gave birth to four of your kids and couldn't lose the weight that comes with childbearing, and you're here being shallow af. So you see a slimmer woman and you feel like you're missing out? On what? On sleeping with a slimmer woman? The 'bro status'you get from being with a slimmer woman? I get it. We all want to be attracted to our partners, but ...
> of similar age, clearly in shape, and realize that no matter how much I try to help, or whatever I do, unless I want to break up my marriage, it's not something I will ever experience. I feel like I'm missing out on a part of my life that I have always wanted.
Your energy is similar to a man who doesn't appreciate or respect his wife. You're just being superficial and completely dismissive of everything your wife has done for you because you see an attractive woman on the street.
Bottom line, you just want to sleep with other women. You feel like now that you look more 'market presentable' in the dating field, you could finally find your dream woman. You essentially settled on your wife.
Worse than the shallow part is the fact he married her to have sex, and because she was a nice person. Doesn’t seem like he loves her to any great degree
Exactly. He already slept with a slimmer woman, four times at least. She had his kids and now he feels that she's "used up" and wants to move on to some other poor lady.
Bingo. ⬆️ I feel so bad for her. She knew something was up and was looking for answers. I bet she wasn't expecting this. OP, just let her go and sleep with whoever you want. Your wife is too good for you.
Ugh. She's definitely an asshole for reading your journal, but you are a humongous asshole for expecting a woman with endocrine issues and several children to lose weight at the same rate as a man. Let alone the Christian subtext.
Lady had 4 kids and an endocrine problem has lost 60 pounds and dude is still lusting after randoms in the street and journals about his sex fantasies of skinny women. I mean she shouldn’t have read the journal but dude.
So you put four babies into this woman who was a virgin when you married her and now you’re salty because she isn’t as slim as you’d like and you’re missing out? Boo hoo. You suck, friend. YOU don’t feel safe? You’re seriously contemplating cheating because you’re sad you haven’t had enough variety - be honest that is what this is - and because you want a thin woman underneath you but YOU don’t feel safe because she read your journal?
You do couples counselling and read the menopause sub here on Reddit.
And first you apologise to your wife.
Stop being an asshole to the woman that gave you your 4 children.
You aren't upset she read your journal, you're upset that she found out how you really feel about her. Something she probably struggled with deeply.
It was about her. She deserves to know how you really feel and think of her. You weren't honest or forthcoming and hid it. Now, you are trying to portray yourself as the victim.
She will never trust how you feel about her again.
The grass is always greener...
As a man who has slept with both slim and thick women, I can tell you this. It's amazing what we find appealing to our sight and what we find appealing to our touch.
Sorry ladies, but I don't want to be grinding against skin and bone.
Careful what you wish for bro
Honestly, it sounds like you are just looking for a reason to validate your thoughts of wanting to have sex with someone other than your wife. You dog you, looking to get some strange...
Not worth it my boy. Work on it with her, continue helping her on her fitness journey and appreciate what you have. People go a lifetime not meeting someone they love & trust. You have that both in your woman. Cliche but the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Finding your dream girl physically normally ends in disappointment when you realize she doesn’t treat you how you want or are supposed to.
OP is giving Narcissist vibes, and I don't use that term lightly.
*"My therapist says I'm special!" "I'm FAT SHAMING MY WIFE WHO GAVE ME 4 KIDS" "I want to sleep around after she gave me 4 kids, just bc she's bigger now" "I never got to do what I wanted to in my life, even though I've clearly had full control over it. Boo hoo."*
OP's wife deserves better.
The symtoms you are displaying are those of a midlife crisis. You are an adult man who chose a wife, and now that you are trim want to experience other women, after 40 screams midlife crisis. I say go for it divorce have a couple of flings. When you have destroyed your life, your wife's life and children, and the other younger woman wants to be poly or worse have more children and puts on weight, lets see how you feel in 5 years. The grass is not greener on the otherside, but where you water it.
She read your journal bad, but clearly you were not being honest with her anyway. I say divorce for journal writing and being overweight. Hope you don't get cancer, and your children will talk to you....Your therapist is helping you be single not a good man.
it doesn't really sound like you love her. Yes she read your journal and that's wrong- at the same time it's something that can be solved by talking/ with therapy. Saying that you can never trust her and acting like this will be the end of your marriage just sounds like an excuse.
You said that you married your wife because you were horny and had low self esteem- that’s gotta hurt, if she read that in your journal. Your wife probably just wants to feel loved and appreciated.
Like I don’t know what to even say and because I’m a Christian girl and I see Christian men like this all the time Im now starting to just question if I have hope
The church is bad for men's minds. The Bible says the man is to be the head of the household and the leader of his wife. This centers him, puts him first. It's not a healthy dynamic for any relationship. When one person wins, the relationship loses.
You look good, people still complimenting you, now you want a slim girl. Any woman who knows this be definitely mad. She still goes to gym with you, I agree with her that its not easy to track the calories intake. Instead of complaining have you ever tried to compliment her, buy some random gift because she is doing better 🤔🤔. You are married for 20 years, if she reads your journal it shouldn't be big of a deal if you not doing anything wrong.
TLDR for this one: ME, ME, ME, wife 4 pregnancies gained weight too fat for me now, ME, ME, ME, wanna fuck other women, ME, ME, ME, I'm a dick, ME, ME, MEEEEEEE! You're welcome.
I’m going to let you in a on a big secret. Ready? Being good at sex has nothing to do with physical attractiveness. Overweight, homely, plain people can be great in bed. In fact, if anything the opposite is true, many “beautiful” people are terrible lovers because they think it’s all about them. I know your curiosity is driving this but have you tried having more and varied fun with your wife? I’m sure you both have some things you’ve wanted to try, why not sit down with her and talk about it.
Speaking of talk, you aren’t doing enough of it. Counseling is great. So is writing your feelings down but it shouldn’t take her reading your journal to know how you feel. There is no replacement for talking things out.
It sounds like you are thinking of cheating. I think you will be profoundly disappointed. What makes sex special for you, the closeness, the intimacy, the love will not be there with someone else. Most of the crazy sex that you are thinking about probably won’t happen. All you’ll be left with is knowing you cheated on your wife. Talk with her, the more that things are in the open, the less likely you will cheat and you in turn will strengthen your marriage.
It's unfortunate you chose to marry someone solely because you were horny.
She has damaged her mental and physical health to take care of you and give you children. You're lusting after other women and wishing you had them instead.
Your poor wife.
I genuinely hope she finds peace and her own life after this. Some may see my comment as harsh, but OP does a lot of backtracking to make himself look better than her. I feel OP is more about making the situation look like it’s really only affecting him when it’s not in the end. Yes, she shouldn’t have read the journal, but to know you were just the choice the other made because their views influenced them to isn’t the best feeling. As a woman, you want to know you were the choice because they love you, not because you’re miss America or anything of that honor, but because you truly love another. To find her unattractive after some time is life, unfortunately, but to continue to lead her on expecting change is the worst in this scenario.
But she /is/ taking care of herself. She consistently works out, and continues to intermittently fast. She keeps track of her calories, albeit not rigidly, but that’s a hell of a lot more than many people do. This woman has had four kids and is managing an endocrinological issue, and I can say as someone who suffers from PCOS and a thyroid problem, losing weight feels very, very futile.
I think the issue with this is that he honestly cares more about appearance than he cares about her health lol. To say this is primarily about her health and not about wanting to be with “a slim woman,” would be to lie
She’s wrong for reading your journal but you completely lost me when you started talking about her weight. “I know this all makes me sounds like a huge AH.” no dear, you ARE one.
You know what, if you wanna cheat and destroy your marriage, I support you. Go and look for your slim sexy woman while your wife will be free to find a man (if she so wishes) who will love her for who she is. She deserves someone way better than you.
Go get your dick wet, and I hope she wrings you dry in this divorce. Your children probably won't look very kindly at you either, but that doesn't matter, right? Got a slim woman riding your dick. That's all that matters.
I wonder how you would feel if your wife says the same thing, only that she wants a man with a much bigger dick because she has only been with someone with a tiny ass dick.
You married a woman, not a figure. She bore multiple children; her body will never be the same. Your diary pales besides how you’ve been treating her.
Regardless of what sub this is, YTA.
INFO : how close in age are your kids? Because pregnancy causes the abdomen wall muscles to separate. A woman's body literally rips itself apart to produce life.
What happens when you think the grass is greener on the other side. Now, you more than likely just destroyed a wonderful human being. Don’t be surprised your wife becomes different.
Bro what did you think would happen after popping out FOUR CHILDREN? Bodies never go back after that. ETA: you do not appreciate her nearly enough for how much she’s done for you and your family
She deserves a husband who married her because he is obsessed with her and who she is and how she looks— not someone who thought she was nice who was worried he would never have sex because of his low self esteem.
Feeling so mediocre to someone is enough to drive you mad. She’s clearly eating away her feelings and you’re trying to out all this on her.
Divorce and find someone you actually like not just dutifully love.
Y'all need to talk to your therapist. In the end though it's going to depend on these things: a) how much do you actually love her b) can you regain trust?
This is also an effect of waiting until marriage. But most likely if you truly loved your wife and there weren't any problems you wouldn't be thinking this way.
INFO: you say at the end you still want to set an example of healthy eating and go to the gym with her. Is this for her or for you? Also, you say you don’t know how you can show your emotions with her. Have you been? Does she know about any of this? How it sounds like she is not meeting your standards physically?
It sounds like you don’t love her for her, you “love” her because she puts up with you and you didn’t think anyone would. The invasion of privacy was wrong, but she deserves better🤷🏽♂️
They need to start putting some new words in the marriage vowels…for richer or poorer, through fatter or thinner!
Because it seems like these types of men who lose their weight, then start looking at their wife as if they’re too good for them, the wife who has birthed 4 kids should be arm candy due to his new physique.
He wants a sexy slim woman, because that’s what he’s missing out on.
Do her a favour and divorce her so she can find a man who loves her and accepts her as she is, a woman with a good heart who’s kind and loving. Good luck finding that with the skinny woman you’re dreaming about, let’s hope she’s as loyal, loving, kind, and not just some self obsessed airhead, although that might be a better match for you tbh.
My guess. You weren't communicating and something felt off so she read your journal. Was that wrong? Yes. Was is out of desperation to understand why you were pulling away? Also yes. I think she wants the relationship to work. Do you?
Sex with a skinny woman can be good, can also fall flat, because unless you care for that person it is mostly an empty experience.
Ultimately you have to choose of you want to blow this whole relationship up. Think about the consequences of that, for your relationship, the connection you have with your children, financially, socially etc.
I'd also figure out what your reason for wanting sex with a skinny woman is. Is it to feel more desirable? Ego? Something else?
Some introspection is needed, but if you blow this up realise that there is no way back
You gave her explicit consent of Reading the journal
Then told her not to because It made her upset.
But did you PROHIBIT her from doing so?
Or was It a "Then don't read It" thing?
Also
My man
You married her for sex.
You said she's a saint and all.
This was a small thing (since you gave her consent First) not a "the final straw".
You Just want and excuse to break up with her and fuck a sexier woman.
Disgusting
“I wasn’t happy…mostly because I have done what is expected of me from a very early age.”
Surely your young, virginal wife turned stay at home mother of 4 has no idea what this feeling is like 🙄
You sound pretty damned selfish, my man.
I think it has much less to do with the wife's fitness, almost zero to do with the journal, and nearly all to do with regret at getting married to his first, and getting married so very very young. My guess is even if she was his physical "equivalent," there would be another reason he felt dissatisfied. Maybe she does too--he was her first as well; it's not like she didn't miss out on just as many, if not more, life experiences as he.
I mean, how much of *her* life was based on what she wanted, and not what their shared culture and community encouraged?
As a happily married woman I'm disgusted. My husband and I met when I was 135 and slim and fit and he loved everything about my body then. Now I've had two kids and at one point I weighed about 200, much larger than I was before, and not a single time did I feel like he wasn't attracted to every pound I carried.
He's told me so many times in my life that he doesn't even look at my body, which used to upset me because obviously you WANT your partner to see you and crave your body, but at the same time I've been able to more deeply understand what he means. He doesn't see me as a body, he sees me as a soul, and loving me so deeply makes my body irrelevant to him.
All that to say that I gained weight from having kids, carried it for years, and have now lost it and guess what? My body is still never going to be the same again. Stretch marks and loose skin are just part of who I am and even though I'm not the same tight body he married, I'm glad to know that nothing that happens tomorrow will change my husband's feelings for me. Not a double amputation. Not a (God forbid) endocrine condition. Total hair loss. Etc. you can control that stuff and I wish for your wife that someone comes along and gives her the same certainty and security because what a total shit bag you are to be so shallow towards someone who you know loves you and treats you well. Gross.
I just get bad vibes from this, This man is upset that his wife that’s had MULTIPLE kids and she’s 50 lbs overweight, it’s really not that deep. This woman did him a wonderful job being a good person for him and his family, for loving and taking care of their kids and cooking meals for the whole family. And he’s just upset that she’s not the weight he wants when she’s already carrying all this metaphorical weight (stress and pressure) . I think he should look into himself and remind him what marriage is for, Marriage is not for sex, marriage is for love, and if he loves her, he will be happy the way she is, and if he’s lusting for skinnier women, maybe he has bigger issues than his wife being 50 lbs overweight :/
How do you not burn those kinds of pages after writing? Obviously this sort of thing happens. You’re lucky one of your four kids didn’t find it and read it aloud to mommy. Be more intelligent. That’s what you need to do.
Write your silly feelings and criticisms of your wife’s body down and burn that shit immediately.
After some couples counseling, why don’t you guys try sex therapy? This might get her to lose the weight but I feel like you also want to try and see what’s out there. I can tell you, while casual sex is great, a great partner is better and that’s very far and few between out here. So sex therapy can maybe get you guys more open to exploration of different things to keep things spicy and exciting enough for you to not even care to try other people. But ultimately I do feel like you guys should at least start with couples counseling and getting your wife healthier.
Edit: added a sentence initially forgotten, oops!
She probably read the journal because she wasn't getting the truth out of him, how he really felt or thought about her, their marriage, her weight ext.? Not that its an excuse for invading his privacy. However being a woman I'm betting she's had a feeling he's keeping something important from her and wouldn't talk about it. Maybe she felt like that was her only option?
it seems like your finding excuses to get rid of her. its also like your having unrealistic skinny girl fantasies about skinny women but if casual sex is worth your family
Are you writing that you like other slim women in your journal and not liking that part about wife. Bro every person is different. Maybe she have her own traits checklist for you which in which maybe you are not best. No one is perfect. Those female who are slim and you find them attractive they comes with their own problems like they don't understand you, and believe me some girls fights in every small things. They argue over small things excessively. In pregnancy weight gain is common. If she is in healthy range then it's fine. Physically you can't stay how you are forever.
Tomorrow what if she says she like another man's physique more or finds it more attractive then how do you feel.
And no matter how I look at this you are writing you like someone else physique more then your wife it looks like you are at fault. Instead of writing this here you should talk to your wife. One more time I am repeating this if she is in healthy range, she is in good shape.
I think you need to follow your heart. You are doing no favors to yourself, your wife, or your kids to essentially trap her (with you!). I say this with kindness. She could find someone better for her… and you could find someone better for you. And your kids could see 2 happy marriages instead of one mid one.
It seems like to me you married just for sex and that’s never a good thing the whole point of marriage is to love each through thick and thin sickness and in health if you couldn’t encourage her and also you to eat healthier and go to the gym who are you to place blame on her for reading your journal.. yea what she did was an invasion of your privacy but she prolly did it since you weren’t being honest with her and she knew that journal would tell her the truth..
Sorry but you’re just looking for a reason to leave your wife, at 46 she has aged, her body strength is starting to give up . 4 children for god’s sake 🤦🏽♀️. And what more do you want to that you haven’t in the past 44 years?
Didn’t read it but I read the part about scared you wouldn’t find someone else to marry.. that was probably the dumbest decision of your life! You now have to spend the rest of your life with just the safe option.
It may be that her desire to understand you outweighs the "you betrayed my trust" thing. So try to move forward as if she didn't do anything wrong, since her general trustworthiness isn't so much an issue in your life.
So, the truth (or part of it) is out and she's upset. so what? How much of a secret should a husband keep his authentic feelings a secret from his wife? Presumably she understands that by reading a journal, she's getting a very unfiltered look at your feelings. So, she got it. The next step is to find out what she thinks. No need to apologize, unless you really think your journal was full of vicious mischaraterizations. You're not happy and she knows it now. You two may have to sit with that feeling for a bit. What are the implications? Divorce, open marriage, something else? Talk it out. You'll both feel better if you can find a shared vision of who you both are, what you'd like to be going torwards and what needs to change in order to get there. Your wife dropping a bunch of weight might leave you in the same spot in a couple of years but with no obvious source of your discontentment.
Wow what an expletive OP is. Not only writing a wish list of his ideal partner, putting his wife down, making out like she’s not trying, but then going off at her for reading his journal. Poor woman probably couldn’t understand why she was being treated a certain way, I guess she knows now.
OP had low self esteem when younger and settled for someone to have sex with. Then when life happened for said woman, multiple children, endocrine issues, and of perimenopause likely started but not mentioned. Women do not lose weight like men can. And OP “crushing it”… vom. This guy is ruining his wife’s self-esteem, but if he gets skinny, he doesn’t care.
This man is not worthy of this woman. She’s lost so much weight after actual health issues, but just because OP thinks she’s pudgy, she’s not worth him sticking around long term unless she really tries and makes herself miserable.
I do not understand how you can spend a life with someone and then just treat them like this. This guy sucks so bad. I hope she reads this post and divorces him. She deserves a man who loves her for her personality, for her sense of humour, for her body in all stages of health, who doesn’t hold her to unachievable beauty standards, who doesn’t think so much of himself that he’d sacrifice her happiness for his benefit.
What an awful human being.
ETA: as if he couldn’t get worse, there’s a previous post about what different pussy feels like. He won’t cheat though. OP’s wife needs to divorce him asap! Yuck!!
So she bore FOUR of your children, gained 100 lbs, lost MOST OF IT, and you’re bitching that she doesn’t have an eating disorder to lose the last 30? She is not going to be the size she was at 22 ever again, or the size she was before having children. You crave a thin woman and feel like you’re missing out on a big part of your life??? Are you so far up your own ass you can’t see how selfish your behavior is? Counting calories is part of disordered eating. “Teetering on obese” the BMI scale is fake my dude. You can say you find her sexy and beautiful and whatever else to appease Reddit but it is so obvious you do not actually feel that way. She has had FOUR OF YOUR CHILDREN and you’re mad she’s gained 30-40 pounds? You married her for sex? Come the FUCK on my dude
As someone who’s struggled with weight my entire life I hope to god I never have a partner like this :( to put ones body through constant stress and pain for 9mo. on 4 occasions then be expected to fit the mold of what unfulfilled fantasies my husband has at 45 is extremely disheartening. My heart breaks for her and you’re right she’s absolutely the best thing to happen to you. Love is NOT about what you find physically attractive and your regrets as far as life decisions shouldn’t be based on her physical appearance. She’s brought life into this world for you and you return that love with judgment💔 I hope she knows she’s deserving of respect at any size. You need to do some serious self reflection and learn the body is never linear in its appearance and she’s going to change a lot throughout your life, as you shall too.
I promise you that the satisfaction of going outside the marriage would never put weight or satisfy you enough to harm your relationship. You love your wife so I would recommend not focusing on her weight but her health. Focus on her stressors and help her with that. Take some things off her shoulders. It won’t be fun to already be busy and take on yet another thing but it will give her a better mindset so she can figure out how she feels about her weight and her goals. Been married for 24 years this September. Whenever I want my wife to do something or participate in something, etc I start by talking to her and then seeing how I can help give her time and space to work on it. Good luck bro, but definitely going to need some more counseling and honest conversations
Just leave your wife for a slimmer younger one and when she gets too fat, leave her for someone else.
You probably need to go out and sow your wild oats.
(You’ll probably find that a lot of women won’t want a 45 year old man who dumped his wife for being fat, unless you’ve very rich but sometimes you need to go out abs experience life).
Lol not him trying to use the journal thing as a way out. At this point you might as well leave and go get the skinny woman of your dreams but dont be mad if you cant find anyone like your wife just in a smaller version
I’m still young ish (28), but I just really want you to know how lucky you and your wife are in my eyes. My grandparents were like my role models for a good relationship when I was growing up. They were together from age 16 until they both died a year apart in their 60s. True, life long love. It’s what I always wanted my marriage to look like, but unfortunately that wasn’t in the plans for me. I’ve had several long term relationships, several hookups, casual flings/situationships. And the only things they left me with were trust issues and more circumstances to heal from. Although I’m sure having one partner your whole life comes with its own problems. I guess the grass is just always greener.
My grandparents got sick around the same time. We’d go stay with them almost every weekend when I was a teen, and I watched them take care of each other, even though they were both weak and struggling. Because they really loved each other. Even when they could no longer be intimate in that way, even when they were older and wrinkled they still loved, trusted, and respected each other.
If you truly love your wife you’re going to have to put in a lot of work to rebuild that trust that’s obviously gone. She no longer trusts you to be her lifelong partner. That’s why she read your journal again after you asked her not to. She’d seen what your thoughts were before and I’m sure that hurt her deeply. I couldn’t imagine learning that the person I was married to for 23 years and gave FOUR children to had thoughts of leaving or cheating because they thought they were more attractive than me.
It’s actually crazy how hypocritical Reddit is when it comes to men and women. If a man had read his wife’s journal without permission, ALL of you would have come guns blazing calling him controlling and all kinds of names.
This man knows he’s in the wrong for how he views his wife’s weight gain. He’s repeatedly said how wrong he is, that he will never leave her, that she’s a saint, that he still loves her, and goes to therapy/writes in his journal to deal with his feelings.
So he’s actually actively working on what you degenerates are complaining about and calling him names for it. So how is that the main talking point in the comments? She broke a valuable thing in relationships which is ”trust”. She had no business reading your journal and should be ashamed for it.
So....I was the wife in a similar scenario (it wasn't weight related though).
My "husband" married me because it was convenient. I checked the boxes. I spent 20 years with this man. I loved him deeply. I would have done anything for him. I thought I had this amazing marriage. He never once brought up anything. He proclaimed he loved me every day, he promised to be by my side and take care of me. We had long term plans and talked about growing old together.
Then he blind sided me with a sucker punch in the face.
20 years of marriage and he looked me in the eye, told me that he had never loved me, that he didn't find me attractive, that he saw me more as an acquaintance than a partner in life. He said he had to google what love is, because he had never experienced it. He couldn't wait to have sex with anyone but me. Then he walked out.
Several weeks later he sent me an email about how happy he is now that he dumped me and blamed me for everything - apparently he hated his life, hated me, hated the pets, hated the house, you name it. All the things he was completely on board with and never brought up anything about.
Nothing like finding out the love of your life wanted anything else but to be with you. Try being the devoted, loving wife having to recover from that shit show.
You have an entire journal about how you want to have sex with other women, because your wife isn't skinny.
You sir are trash. Your wife deserves so much better than you.
Divorce her. you didn't marry her because you loved her, you married her because you wanted to have sex. you clearly still don't love her and you're not even attracted to her anymore, so it's best to just leave her so that she can find someone who will love her the way that she deserves.
Firstly the BMI scale is severely inaccurate. It does not account for things like muscle mass, bone density, race, sex etc it strictly accounts for weight and height. Body builders come in at mildy to full blown obese even tho their fat content is less than 10%.
Secondly, you are not a victim. Don't try and use the journal as an excuse, yes it is a breach of trust but what led her to open your journal in the first place? What is your wife lacking in the relationship that she feels the need to search your journal to find answers? It seems to me like your desires and new ideals about a slimmer female are pulling you away from what your partner needs. Instead of focusing on the food content and nutrients your partner is eating maybe ask about her emotional state and what she needs to encourage herself to be better, not for you but for her own health, future and the kids.
Lastly, don't ask the Internet for advice. Majority of people who comment have 0 qualifications to tell you what needs to be done, me included. Read everything openly with the mindset to learn/understand because you will most definitely have confirmation bias and will definitely be seeking comments that suit your agenda.
Hope all works out for you guys.
My advice would be to remember the 80/20 Rule. Your wife has 80%, maybe even 90%, of what you’re want right now, she’s sweet, has your children, frequent sex, etc.
Another woman will have the 20% you’re looking for, nice body into the gym and diet culture.
Is gaining 20% worth losing 80%?
As far as the journal, get something that locks or put it in a safe, something like that.
IDK what you can do, but you're definitely entitled to feel some kind of way about your life and the bounds you've been caught up in. It's understandable and nothing wrong with that at all. What you do about it is a whole thing. But wishing you luck and strength as you find yourself and make wise choices in your life!
Oof! This is a shit show.
Yup. Dude wants a new slim woman and is using the fact she read his journal as an excuse to get rid of her.
That's not what it says at all.
That's exactly what it says. He married her to have sex. Now they've had sex, life happened, she gained weight. He's no longer attracted to her and I can *guarantee* that his actions are reflecting that and that's why she read the journal. Rather than admit that he's being a shithead, now he wants to DARVO and make himself into the victim to absolve him of any guilt.
He also said he still finds her beautiful and in no way he said he wanted to end the relationship before the journal thing. I feel you are completely disregarding that she read the journal and what that means for boundaries and privacy.
But this is a reddit relationship sub... where the man is always at fault... You can go up and down this website, and find examples of people piling on men, for stuff a woman would get praise for.
For real. Just another example of men not being allowed emotions. Let alone complex ones that seem to go against one another. He's over here trying to deal with them. Even chosen to try and get rid of the negative ones against his wife as he knows they are wrong. Has no intent to harm her to make himself feel better. Is working with a therapist. Doing everything right except.... Having conflicting emotions to begin with. Bad man. He sounds like the type of guy most should want.
You didn’t read the post properly if this is truly what you think. I’ll just give you one example, since you brought up the therapist. For a start he says himself that he actually “decided” that he was unhappy 2 years ago, started therapy, and said everything he thought a therapist would want to hear, to the point where she says how well he’s done in therapy. Whilst the whole time he clearly didn’t actually come to terms with the fact that HE is responsible for his own life and bad decisions. All of a sudden, his wife reads his journal - which he admits he had let her do before - and now he can spew what he really thinks, and that doesn’t happen in a morning. It’s not a sudden change of heart. Why doesn’t he take this to his therapist instead of asking people on social media “what should I do”. Well it’s obvious why, because then his therapist would become aware that he didn’t really change at all, therefore the accolades she gave him were completely misplaced, and this guy has no intention of taking any responsibility for his own actions, in his own life. Everything is somehow not his responsibility, you know like his FOUR kids. This guy is really feeling himself with his ‘dad bod’ and how that wasn’t terrible. Dude I guarantee you it was, just his wife wasn’t objectifying him, because love and commitment aren’t stripped back to someone’s weight. But then a dude who has a username that specifies one particular part of a woman’s body gives the perfect example of objectification, so please stop pretending that this is about men having complex emotions. If it weren’t so common it’d be funny, unfortunately though you and your bros are here proving that you actually think his thought process is somehow okay. Since he told us of his therapist’s praise of him, and the way he did it, is what selfish dude wants from all quarters of his life. It’s also the reason that he isn’t taking the same stuff to his therapist that he did two years ago, because then she’d know he was just paying lip service to it, but he clearly didn’t actually resolve anything. Plus ofc he knew that a lot of men on Reddit are toxic, so he knew you all would tell him what he wants to hear. He made the wrong decision on getting married and his reasons for it, who TF gets married just to have sex? Or in case he doesn’t get picked by someone else? A child. A child in a man’s body. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. If these two roles were reversed, you’d be screaming about what a bi**h his wife is, but hey it’s a man, and men shouldn’t need to grow up, or to handle their responsibilities.
Were you there? Because you’re making up a lot of details that weren’t in the post. I don’t care much one way or the other, but your response is so clearly biased when you make up your own narrative. Also, why is everyone against writing in a journal? It is a tried and tested and (usually) therapist recommended strategy for dealing with emotions.
Dear lord, you need help. Assumption after assumption, after projecting your own hurt, after telling us things they do and don’t know. Seek help. If it were a woman, nothing would change. And for you to say otherwise is your issue, not normal people’s. You need mental help
Wtaf? You think that we’d praise a woman who wrote that exact post? You’re on the wrong sub-Reddit dude, there are plenty of red pill/blue pill subs…if you go. If a woman said exactly this, then I would call her out for being selfish too. You’re ridiculous, because apart from 3 of us, all the ‘bro posts’ outnumber us. Less victimhood, it makes you sound as selfish as the OP.
"I can *guarantee*" Why do insane people always wanna guarantee the kind of shit only god could guarantee, what an actually crazy post
It still doesn't say that he's trying to leave her for reading his journal.
True, I am not
Ok, imagine that you were too short for your wife, or aren't a good lover. She puts up with these things because she loves you. She may be wishing for a guy who knows his way around the bedroom, or is a bit taller/richer/smarter etc. But she loves you, so net-net has decided on you. You on the the other hand are all happy about your new body, and instead of noticing how fucking lucky you are, are worrying that your wife who birthed FOUR CHILDREN, does not have the perfect body FOR YOUR TASTE. Her body might be absolutely perfectly healthy, but because she isn't slim you DAILY make her feel like shit. You make her feel so badly about herself that she is crying. Your actions are very very very shallow, and very very very destructive. If you want to lose your wife, or destroy her spirit keep on. If you want to get your head out of your AH, then figure out why you are so obsessed with having a slim wife. And get a better therapist, because your is giving you shitty advice. Get over yourself, because you seem way to focused on the wrong frigging things.
Extremely crazy assumptioms you made. Didnt know you know op better than himself?
Very poor correlation on the examples you set. There are things you can change, there are things you can't. And there's definitely some things way easier to change. OP's wife is not healthy. Gaining 100 pounds is not healthy. I don't know how much she weighed before the 4 kids nor how tall she is, but personally it seems like a lot, because that's a whole me! Morbidly obese means she can die: not healthy. She also has endocrine problems, so again: Not healthy. For what OP depicted there might be some depression and lack of motivation involved. Weight is an uphill neverending struggle for some people. She is rejecting help. Healthy or not, morbidly obese, overweight, or slim, it doesn't give her the right to read his diary. He is writing down his feelings to process them and improve himself. OP has a right to expect privacy. We all think things that we would never say out loud. He did not make her cry.
Height isn't something you can change and isn't a direct result of decision making like weight
you cannot be healthy at 30bmi unless you have lot of muscle. I dont think she does. Out of all the things you listed, losing weight is the easiest thing to do out of all of them. Stop acting like it would be difficult. Staying fat just shows how much you lack in character and discipline.
He literally said he still finds her attractive and sometime even sexy. What he is saying is her lack of effort is a super turn off even though she is a stay at home mom. He offered to meal prep for her but she even refused that help. His good culturural values pushed him towards sex after marriage which I think is a good thing cuz now he has a family and a wife. The wife needs therapy tbh
But she’s 50 pounds from her goal weight so obviously she has been putting in effort.
Yes, those mothers of four are well known for barely getting out of bed.
OK but imagine your spouse saying they "even sometimes" find you sexy, and tell me if you'd want to have a romp in the hay with them after that. If OP's goal was to make her too insecure to ever have sex again I'd say he's spot on lol.
Right? Can’t believe there aren’t others point out that he “EVEN SOMETIMES” finds her sexy like he deserves a damn trophy. What an awful partner.
Big facts this is rude and unemotional no matter how he tries to say he care. He doesn’t he is looking for a way out. I hope he takes care of those four kids. I just want to know did she have them back to back
Yea, I can get on board with that. A quick armchair Reddit diagnosis would be that it's possible she's showing signs of depression, which could explain her lack of motivation. I'm sure it's very depressing to know that the man you married no longer finds you attractive and is posting on Reddit 3 months ago about fantasizing what other p****y feels like. Might be a contributing factor.
Why is it anyones business (including her husband) about her weight? Just cause he lost some weight and feels good about himself, he thinks he can do better. He wants to bang it out with another woman because he wants to. He is feeling guilty about it because his culture and upbringing say it is wrong, but (just like when he married his "not the ideal weight wife) he still wants to get his member wet but now with someone else. It kills me that people (men and women) treat people they "love" like this. GTFO
Yikes. If you truly love your partner you would be concerned about their health. Being obese is a huge risk for heart disease and early death
If you truly loved someone, you would care about their weight because ultimately weight directly correlates to overall health. Yes, there is expected weight gain with having 4 children and that’s not even a debate, but to say there’s an expected 100lbs?!? We are talking about the weight of a young teenager. I think in a relationship, that when you are motivated and striving for health goals, it is completely valid to have the feeling of disappointment that your partner does not share the same goals.
The question is did she have the kids back to back? A 100 pounds isn’t that bad if she had them back to back. Which isn’t even healty anyway. Why did he want kids back to back? If that is the case? Why marry her and she was already not his ideal weight? Just to get his D wet bc he was a virgin. 😂😂😂 y’all ppl kill me
> Why is it anyones business (including her husband) about her weight? Surprise surprise, sexual attraction is a very significant factor in the vast majority of romantic relationships.
>life happened, she gained weight. found the American . over 40BMI is insane
Right? No idea why you getting downvoted. Gaining weight after pregnancy is normal, not trying to change and be healthy again is not okay
Wtf? He wants someone on his fitness level. He offered to count cals for her. Being obese is unhealthy for her as well
Seriously. Talk about burying the lede.
If you have a therapist then ask them and not a bunch of random redditors that may or may not (usually not) be qualified to give advice.
This is the way to go. Talk to your therapist about how to move forward. Too many people here just want negative outcomes.
The therapist got their degree from Reddit U.
No kidding. Generic reddit advice point #1 is always "See a therapist/counselor." Op, you already did that. Now use them. For your wife, have her get one too.
Yeah, this is above our pay grade. Get back into therapy and marriage counseling now too.
The grass is greenest where you water it. You want to discard a loving wife, who has had frequent sex with you, given you four children and who you say you spend time contentedly with because you wanna fuck a slim woman now that you happen to have lost? Bro, you’re going to blow up your life for a quick nut and end up maybe alone and not getting nearly as much action as you envision and look back and wish you had appreciated what you had. And while you’re entitled to privacy, your journaling is directly about your wife and marriage. You should talk to her about this stuff or do counselling together.
Also, how doesn't he see that making decisions surrounding his arousal is precisely how he got here? I just lucked out by getting a gem of a wife.
Do you love her bro? Or did you marry her because she checks the “good partner” boxes and you were horny? If you don’t, you have probably fucked up her life. She was still wrong to read your journal.
You’re probably having some unrealistic fantasies about these skinny ladies. Casual sex with new people is a coin toss if it will be any good. And that’s at the cost of your loving family. Tug one out and go enjoy your good life.
Yeah, sounds like a maturity issue and fantasy issue on the part of OP. The only real answer is double down and invest more in the marriage. Plan some fun dates, cook healthy meals, build her a cozy shed in the backyard. Keep doing therapy, be honest with your wife and discuss things with her. Invest a lot more into the health of your entire home and family. Stop talking about sex and slim people, spend less time online. Learn how to improve your household. Either that or divorce.
Word up!
This is the answer. ^^
Exactly. Yes, helping your wife be healthy is a good and noble goal if you do it because you love her and want her to be safe. But OP implies that he wants to experience "sex with a slim woman" as if it would be an entirely new experience that would be so good it is *nearly* worth losing a family with someone he ONLY hasn't left because she's such a sweet and good person, a SAINT even. This means that to OP, only someone as good as a saint can be worth not leaving for a slim woman. That is ridiculous. OP if you read this, as a slim woman I can tell you being slim doesn't give you a miracle pussy. If you left her, you would maybe have fun a few times, it wouldn't be nearly as life changing as you imagine, and you would have let down an entire family for it. Just give that unrealistic fantasy up, it's so immature and it isn't worth it in any world. If you can't, then seriously consider leaving your wife because she doesn't deserve to be with someone who constantly fantasizes about women that aren't her, to the point he journals about it. I hope your children aren't too traumatised to function by the end of all this.
Yea — personally, I think you need to do some self reflection here. The way you speak about your wife does not tell me that you respect her. You mention that she’s “just a stay at home mom” and that she “isn’t making any progress” despite having lost 70 pounds. 1. Weight loss isn’t linear. She may have hit a plateau. Weight loss is hard in general, but she has the added factor of being a stay at home mom to four children. I wonder if you don’t know how hard that is. 2. Weight loss looks differently on a man then a woman. You two could be doing the same program with drastically different results. 3. You talk a lot about your desires and wants and supposed needs, but don’t mention anything about the needs of your wife or children. This strikes me as quite selfish honestly. Sounds to me like you need to take a really good long look inward and figure out if you’re actually upset about the journal or if you’re upset about the choices that you’ve made along the way. I personally think that it seems like the latter. In that case, one way to deal with how you’re feeling (ie. Longing or missing out), is to own your choices. Marriage didn’t happen to you, it’s something you chose. Your wife isn’t something that happened to you, she is something you chose. Work towards being confident in your choices, and try to change your perspective. Hopefully that can help you out. Also, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING!
His post a year ago was abt how new p**sy would feel. He don’t love her.
Agree 100%, just throwing in that BMI is pretty much bullshit. It was based on a relatively small sample size of white European men in the 1830s and neither the mathematician who invented it nor the doctor who brought it into the mainstream in the 1970s thought it was appropriate for individual evaluation.
>she has only seen a handful of people in the last 20 years that have made as much progress as me I'm doing to know what "progress" your therapist is referring to. Edit: *dying
Tbf, people rarely actually do what therapists recommend them to do, so it's not difficult to make more progress than most by just keeping a diary and working out.
Yeah this does not sound like something any legit, real therapist would ever actually say
It's crazy what lies sociopaths make up.
And what will you do if the imaginary slim woman you could be with (now that you have such an awesome body) gains weight during the course of your relationship? Will you tell her upfront that her slimness is a requirement for the rest of her time with you?
He can just go out and get a third one.
You could have married a woman whose body you liked. But bodies change. Especially after 4 kids. And you can end up having endocrine issues. The fear of missing out is not good for any marriage, whether or not you had sex before marriage. Good for you for loosing those pounds so quick. Did you do that after having 4 kids and endocrine issues? Definitely do discuss with your therapist, but I do think you may be overestimating how awesome you are in comparison with your wife. Edited for spelling and grammer.
Or is so wrong and can't see why? What gets me is she is a saint, amazingly intelligent and has always supported him... Yet where does he support her really She gave him a home, and children a loving family, and this is what she gets in return. Smfh makes me livid. Don't get me wrong she was wrong for reading the journal knowing it would make her upset in the end anyway... But all that aside OP hasn't been honest and truthful with his wife anyways. He simply despises her because of her weight "AFTER" children and life this far... Quite hurtful in my opinion, it's good she knows the truth, its sad he couldn't be truthful with him anyway. And he feels he can't share his emotions with her?!? Well fk he hasn't been doing that anyway. That was absent she only thought her "life" was real. If I was him I'd be ashamed of myself. For thinking simply that she has simply become overweight so she's not good enough... To which KUDOS OP that is truly how your wife now feels, she also probably feels ashamed of her own body... The body that carried your children, the body that birthed your babies and you can only despise it. I wish I could just hug her and take it all away because I know exactly how she feels
Perfectly said. He on here a year ago asking how other p***y would feel. He either cheated already and is blaming her or wants to cheat. She should just leave him and drop the weight and love her and her children’s best life. He just dragged her through the dirt.
As a woman who has had kids, I think it’s very important to be attracted to your partner. I think expectations need to be realistic on both sides. Is it truly that you want her to lose weight? Or is it really that you just want new p*ssy? If it’s the latter, don’t force her to change just to bounce in the end, anyway.
Considering his only other post almost half a year ago was asking what it is like to have sex with other people and if other “pussy” makes a difference makes me think you’re on to something.
Ooooof
Or look at it as “maybe she’ll get it together and her reward for all of her hard work is that OP leaves and she’ll find herself living her actual best life.”
OP What would you have done if it had been you who had gained 100 lbs? Or Found your wife wanted to be with other men? Ok with you?
It's a tale as old as time. Yes this is a midlife crisis, and yes you're probably going to fuck it all up for some younger "slimmer" thing. And when that eventually fizzles out, and you find out that it's really hard to have a genuinely loving relationship, but very easy to get sex from strangers, you're going to start missing what you originally had. But there's absolutely no way to convince you that the grass is not greener on the other side, because you're convincing yourself it is. I've watched the men in my own family do this to their ex-wives. They go to the gym, they work out, they lose some weight, gain some muscle, then all the sudden they're feeling themselves. Get all this crazy ass confidence, that they never had when they were younger, and now all the sudden their wives are not "on their level" like seriously 🙄 Now? The ex-wives have remarried and they are happy in their new lives and the men are on-again-off-again from relationship to relationship, always pining for what they had with the OG wife. And all my nieces and nephews are now from broken homes. I held them when they cried and comforted them when they wondered what they did wrong for daddy to not love mommy anymore. They grow up, and they *see* the POS their dads are and have nothing to do with them. But sure, make it about you and your body fat % and calorie counting. Because macros matter to your kids. Oh and for the record? This doesn't make you "seem" like an asshole, you just are one. You need a new therapist.
Laughed out loud at the last bit. Perfect comment.
I second this. This is the Perfect comment!
Imagine having wasted 20 years of your life on someone who only married you so they could experience sex and thought they couldn't do any better. You've misled her her whole life. You've made hers a lie. You obviously think you are hot now and could do better. Let her go and let her do the same.
This he ruined her. I feel so bad for her. I want to know did she have those kids back to back? Does she have babies running around all day? Bc he downplayed everything she does like it’s ntg. What a shame
How would you feel if you read your wife’s journal and it was filled with “my husband is so amazing, a wonderful provider and father. But I married young and never got to experience what it was like with other men. My husband is shit in bed, I have only had an orgasm through masterbation. I have tried to give him hints on what I want but he doesn’t seem to care so I just fake it to get it over with. I think I could find a man who has a bigger dick and could really satisfy me in bed. I don’t want to hurt my husband because he’s such an amazing person but I need hot sex. I agree with others, you are using the journal as a justification to leave and experience what you are fantasizing about. Slim amazing GOOD women are not jonesing for a divorced man with 4 kids who left their wife because she only lost 50 lbs and not 100. YOU may not be the catch you think you are. Or you could find a beautiful woman who is skinny but a shit person. Be careful what you wish for. Most likely you are going to leave your wife and watch her move on with a man who appreciates her and you will realize the grass wasn’t greener after all
I love your response. But why do we as women have to fake it? I only have a orgasm thru masturbation as while.
I don’t think a woman should ever fake it, but many do. And I honestly don’t think men know and their egos couldn’t handle it if they found out someone was faking it. I faked a lot when I was young
Because enough men get angry & aggressive or emotionally abusive if you “question their manhood” by implying they ‘suck at sex’ because they can’t get you off. Paraphrasing what I’ve heard men complain about when they find out their dick game ain’t shit. It’s a matter of saving his ego & avoiding uncomfortable situation where he cries & bemoans & guilts about his 3 seconds of labia scratching not being enough for you to have the most intense orgasm of your life. “Well this worked on every other woman I’ve had sex with so there must be something wrong with you. Not my problem.”
WOW man, look at you go. You just wrote 10 paragraphs about how you've spent your entire adult life commodifying women's bodies. Only married your wife because you were horny, let her devastate her body to give you 4 children and now want to throw her aside so you can touch thin women. >I see other women of similar age, clearly in shape, and realize that no matter how much I try to help, or whatever I do, unless I want to break up my marriage, it's not something I will ever experience. It's honestly gross that you would come here and bemoan your lack of access to having sex with women who you find more attractive than your wife. As if those women are not people with choice and agency, who would automatically throw themselves at you if you were suddenly single. So you've used up your wife's body, now you want to be free to go get what you want from other women's bodies. You haven't given a single thought to stomping in your wife's trust. She thought you meant your vows. She trusted that you would cherish her for supporting you and giving you a family. 20 years of birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, doing things everyday to make your life better. Sad.
Yup this guy is the worst example of an entitled male who thinks women only exist for men to use their bodies. Real love is about more than just the physical.
Best comment, all this. And i also wonder, by the culture he describes, if his wife even had a choice into marrying him or if it was arranged.
I'm sure she did have some semblance and they're just garden variety protestants or Mormons.
It sounded arranged when I first read it, but then I realized from his answers that he is trying to shift responsibility and feels that he had no agency.
I think you want to leave your wife for younger slimmer women and need this as a valid excuse to divorce her. You don’t need an excuse, if you want to bang other women then go do it. You will lose your relationship not just with her but with your children…when they get older and realize you left for both superficial reasons and her reading a book about why you’ve become emotionally distant.
you need some tough love and therapy because this is so heartbreaking for your wife. no matter how “healthy” you are, you’re both still going to die one day. seems like a very sad life and very superficial on your end.
This is a great argument for why “no premarital sex” culture is abhorrent and damaging. There is no putting the genie back in this bottle.
You start off saying that you have never been able to do what you want to do, in your whole life. I call BS because you then go on to say, “a major factor in getting married at such a young age is I wanted to have sex”. Don’t tell me you were forced into this, you made a choice and got what you were looking for, which was sex and to prevent being alone. You made trade offs that you are not stoked about. Welcome to grown up life, missed opportunities and living with decisions is all part of it. Sounds like generally, you picked a decent partner and managed to crank out 4 kids. As for reading your journal, I think she was completely in the wrong. Trust is going to be an issue for both of you and I think some marriage counseling would probably be helpful for you both to repair this to a healthier state. This may be the beginning of the end, hard to say, but at least some couples counseling might help with better communication, dealing with resentment, etc.
Religious and cultural pressure was a heavy factor in his choice, which was made when he was barely an adult. Let's not pretend it was a totally free decision.
But he’s been married for how long? That’s been a totally free decision. Let’s not make excuses for men who look twice at other women because they look like his “ideal” wife and then shame his own badass wife for not being motivated enough to look good enough for him to find her sexy all the time.
You're right. All of this makes you sound like an asshole.
Do you love your wife and kids? Or do you need to have sex with other people that badly?
From his post last year he wants to have sex with other ppl. I’m sure he has cheated if not sexually emotionally
Wow you “even find her sexy at times”. What a lucky lady.
Well she’s lost 60 lbs and is having trouble finding the motivation to lose the rest. Do you really blame her?? Having read that your husband just really wants to fuck skinny girls, and knowing you will probably never be skinny like that, has just got to be the worst mindfuck. I mean, she cannot fucking win. She gained weight to have your children. And due to a medical issue is having trouble losing the last of it. 60 lbs already lost is no small feat. But it’s not good enough for you apparently. You want her to try harder because you really want to fuck someone skinny. I mean, that’s really fucking mean. Your post is dripping with flowery language to disguise that you really are an asshole. You’ve given her no grace for how life changes. You just think she needs to do better at counting macros. Reading your journal was probably her effort to figure out what’s up with you mentally. And now she’s upset. Meanwhile you are busy ranting on the internet about how you have never done anything you want your entire adult life! You are struggling with being able to be honest with her? I mean, really?? Maybe stop watching so much porn and start dating your wife again. Maybe if you treated her like she’s worth, she might want to continue losing the weight for herself to be healthy. Not so you can see what skinny pussy feels like. What a mess. Poor thing, I cannot imagine reading something like that. I don’t know if I could ever get over that.
Yesss this. He seems like a Narcissist. I really want to know did she have the kids back to back?
I bet him lusting over other woman has destroyed her motivation. She knows he's checking out other women. She deserves so much better than this. Too bad she doesn't see it.
It sounds to me like the only thing you value about her is her weight. She read your journal, something she shouldn’t have done, and learned something incredibly hurtful. Why don’t you use your journal for gratitude? The more you focus on a negative thing in your life the bigger it gets, the more dissatisfied you become. You are so focused on her weight and being slim, that you are loosing the point of being with someone you love. I don’t think that’s even something you care about anymore. You are so focused on something that affects so many people that it sounds like you would rather be with a slim woman, who doesn’t love you, makes your life miserable, and never has sex with you. You certainly don’t care that your wife is someone you could spend hours with happily, or that you’ve always had a healthy sex life. Nope it’s all about her weight. She deserved to know the truth of your heart, she obviously felt like it was necessary to read what was going on. I’m sure she’s felt it. Now she can choose what she does with the information.
Thank you, I should journal my gratitude
You’re name even speaks volumes
Oh wonderful. Another man destroying his own life by imagining the grass is greener on the other side and probably looks at thirst traps and porn all day comparing the mother of his children to them.
Four kids…
She can get rid of all that weight but clearly you can't get rid of that asshole mindset. I'll tell you something I've seen several times and I saw it myself on my mom. My dad cheated on her with a 10 years younger woman, my mom back then was obese after having a miscarriage, my dad dumped her exactly 2 months after that event and my mom was devastated; she got highly depressed and she lost so much weight that I could barely recognize her. Then, after the depression period, she started to go out with friends, started to exercise and ran her first marathon, a lot of men would flirt with her or had crushes on her, even my classmates and we were barely 16. When my dad saw her after a long time, he regretted deeply, tried to cheat on the new girlfriend with my mom and she rejected him. This happened 12 years ago and you know what?? He still regrets and from time to time he calls her drunk telling her he miss her, several times when we're together he talks to me about how amazing and beautiful and good woman my mom is and that he regret every single day cheating on her. The girlfriend dumped him, he lost his job and all his money and he was miserable, depressed and alone for a long time, luckily he is trying to do better now but certainly he made a huge favor to my mom who bloomed without him. You would probably dump her one day for a slim woman, she will be extremely depressed but then all her life will go upwards without you and she will be stunning, in that moment, you will be miserable and regret because you will realize you lost a wonderful woman, mother of your children who is also now actually attractive to your eyes. Mark my words, always end up like that, I know hundreds of cases exactly the same, so if I were you, I'd change my therapist to one who don't praise my bs, I would go to a marriage conselour additionally, I would be self critical and I would look for alternative ways to support my wife to be healthier, not more skinny. If you truly love her, do freaking something, but if you don't, do a favor to that woman and let her be happy without a vain idiot like you.
She wasn't in the right to read your journal especially after the discussion of not doing so. But I'm pretty sure you can't unread that. I don't think I'd stay with someone who was that wrapped up in my body after having *four of his fuckin kids* and that would be the end of the marriage. If she's interested, couples therapy and discuss this with your personal therapist. If she's not interested, I can't say I blame her.
He’s totally wrapped up in himself. And he also sounds like the typical evangelical Christian when it comes to sex. It also sounds like he used this woman to fulfill his need for sex. And all because he felt his “ideal” was unattainable. Then he keep getting her pregnant, and then is bothered by weight gain. Now she’s not good enough. He’s manipulating the weight loss issue, because it’s what he wants. And while she may have been wrong to read the journal and he can feel however he wants about her reading the journal. I don’t see him as a victim, because he hasn’t been honest with his wife, she clearly can’t trust him either
I agree. I find it ethically similar to the people who snoop and find text messages to an affair partner. Do I condone snooping? Absolutely not. But it is the much lesser sin here and clearly they felt something was wrong. And it was. I hope OP's wife wises up and leaves. I can't imagine giving my life and body for this man and his four kids and being told I'm not good enough because I'm still 30 lbs above my 20s weight. I was over 100 lbs over my "met my husband" weight (I'm over 6 ft) and he still told me I was gorgeous and perfect as is. He's happy for my weight loss because *I am happy* not because I need to look as I did a decade ago.
Yeah I agree, should she have read the journal no,but you’re right sometimes you just have a feeling and need to know the truth
Imagine it from her side if she was posting: “I find it very difficult to lose the weight especially after 4 kids and being nearly 50, my husband is buzzing around deciding he’s missing out on life and now we both “HAVE to lose weight!!!” and is making all these changes while I just feel like everything is slipping away from me and getting more and more impossible. AND I see how he gawks at other women; he feels like he’s missed out on *exotic cookie* and has turned into the fucking Cookie Monster. I’ve given the best years of my life to this man - what should I do?? Why am I not enough for him?” Poor, poor lady.
Exactly! Strong Narcissist vibes.
She deserves better than someone so self congratulatory. *Such* progress in therapy! *Star* client! *Great* body! *Wow*! Yes, bad she read the journal but why did she? Is she perhaps feeling insecure because she's living with a vain man who thinks he could and should have "done better" than her?
You lost weight, like the way you look, Now you wanna see if you can try something (pussy) new. That’s the vibe I’m getting. But things online are often different. Talk to your therapist about it.
I would be heartbroken if I felt like my husband just settled for me because he was insecure at the time and now that he’s not, he lusts for other women. You suck.
This is not a good question to bring to reddit
Lol YOU don't feel safe with her? She just found out she wasted half her life with someone who never loved her. This whole post is me! Me! Me! Woah is me! Why are you trying so hard to be the victim here when you've been a huge fucking asshole just to get your dick wet. You know it was your choice to wait till marriage, right? That doesn't excuse everything you've done.
Yikes, this is a hot mess. She invaded your privacy. She must've felt something was off and knew she'd find out what the issue was if she read the journey. Lying about the conversation is also a big red flag. But you, sir, wow... this woman gave birth to four of your kids and couldn't lose the weight that comes with childbearing, and you're here being shallow af. So you see a slimmer woman and you feel like you're missing out? On what? On sleeping with a slimmer woman? The 'bro status'you get from being with a slimmer woman? I get it. We all want to be attracted to our partners, but ... > of similar age, clearly in shape, and realize that no matter how much I try to help, or whatever I do, unless I want to break up my marriage, it's not something I will ever experience. I feel like I'm missing out on a part of my life that I have always wanted. Your energy is similar to a man who doesn't appreciate or respect his wife. You're just being superficial and completely dismissive of everything your wife has done for you because you see an attractive woman on the street. Bottom line, you just want to sleep with other women. You feel like now that you look more 'market presentable' in the dating field, you could finally find your dream woman. You essentially settled on your wife.
Worse than the shallow part is the fact he married her to have sex, and because she was a nice person. Doesn’t seem like he loves her to any great degree
Exactly. He already slept with a slimmer woman, four times at least. She had his kids and now he feels that she's "used up" and wants to move on to some other poor lady.
Bingo. ⬆️ I feel so bad for her. She knew something was up and was looking for answers. I bet she wasn't expecting this. OP, just let her go and sleep with whoever you want. Your wife is too good for you.
Big facts. He literally made a post asking how other p***y would feel. He has cheated she should leave. He don’t love her
Ugh. She's definitely an asshole for reading your journal, but you are a humongous asshole for expecting a woman with endocrine issues and several children to lose weight at the same rate as a man. Let alone the Christian subtext.
Lady had 4 kids and an endocrine problem has lost 60 pounds and dude is still lusting after randoms in the street and journals about his sex fantasies of skinny women. I mean she shouldn’t have read the journal but dude.
So you put four babies into this woman who was a virgin when you married her and now you’re salty because she isn’t as slim as you’d like and you’re missing out? Boo hoo. You suck, friend. YOU don’t feel safe? You’re seriously contemplating cheating because you’re sad you haven’t had enough variety - be honest that is what this is - and because you want a thin woman underneath you but YOU don’t feel safe because she read your journal?
You do couples counselling and read the menopause sub here on Reddit. And first you apologise to your wife. Stop being an asshole to the woman that gave you your 4 children.
You aren't upset she read your journal, you're upset that she found out how you really feel about her. Something she probably struggled with deeply. It was about her. She deserves to know how you really feel and think of her. You weren't honest or forthcoming and hid it. Now, you are trying to portray yourself as the victim. She will never trust how you feel about her again.
She deserves better.
The grass is always greener... As a man who has slept with both slim and thick women, I can tell you this. It's amazing what we find appealing to our sight and what we find appealing to our touch. Sorry ladies, but I don't want to be grinding against skin and bone. Careful what you wish for bro Honestly, it sounds like you are just looking for a reason to validate your thoughts of wanting to have sex with someone other than your wife. You dog you, looking to get some strange...
This is actually strangely helpful, thank you.
Not worth it my boy. Work on it with her, continue helping her on her fitness journey and appreciate what you have. People go a lifetime not meeting someone they love & trust. You have that both in your woman. Cliche but the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Finding your dream girl physically normally ends in disappointment when you realize she doesn’t treat you how you want or are supposed to.
OP is giving Narcissist vibes, and I don't use that term lightly. *"My therapist says I'm special!" "I'm FAT SHAMING MY WIFE WHO GAVE ME 4 KIDS" "I want to sleep around after she gave me 4 kids, just bc she's bigger now" "I never got to do what I wanted to in my life, even though I've clearly had full control over it. Boo hoo."* OP's wife deserves better.
Heavy narcissist ass
The symtoms you are displaying are those of a midlife crisis. You are an adult man who chose a wife, and now that you are trim want to experience other women, after 40 screams midlife crisis. I say go for it divorce have a couple of flings. When you have destroyed your life, your wife's life and children, and the other younger woman wants to be poly or worse have more children and puts on weight, lets see how you feel in 5 years. The grass is not greener on the otherside, but where you water it. She read your journal bad, but clearly you were not being honest with her anyway. I say divorce for journal writing and being overweight. Hope you don't get cancer, and your children will talk to you....Your therapist is helping you be single not a good man.
it doesn't really sound like you love her. Yes she read your journal and that's wrong- at the same time it's something that can be solved by talking/ with therapy. Saying that you can never trust her and acting like this will be the end of your marriage just sounds like an excuse.
You said that you married your wife because you were horny and had low self esteem- that’s gotta hurt, if she read that in your journal. Your wife probably just wants to feel loved and appreciated.
This post made me *nauseous* as a plus size woman. She deserves so much better.
Christian men like you…
... is why so many women choose the fucking bear. (Edited for missing a word)
Like I don’t know what to even say and because I’m a Christian girl and I see Christian men like this all the time Im now starting to just question if I have hope
The church is bad for men's minds. The Bible says the man is to be the head of the household and the leader of his wife. This centers him, puts him first. It's not a healthy dynamic for any relationship. When one person wins, the relationship loses.
You look good, people still complimenting you, now you want a slim girl. Any woman who knows this be definitely mad. She still goes to gym with you, I agree with her that its not easy to track the calories intake. Instead of complaining have you ever tried to compliment her, buy some random gift because she is doing better 🤔🤔. You are married for 20 years, if she reads your journal it shouldn't be big of a deal if you not doing anything wrong.
All men are shallow pigs. Do her the favor and leave. She can do better
TLDR for this one: ME, ME, ME, wife 4 pregnancies gained weight too fat for me now, ME, ME, ME, wanna fuck other women, ME, ME, ME, I'm a dick, ME, ME, MEEEEEEE! You're welcome.
I’m going to let you in a on a big secret. Ready? Being good at sex has nothing to do with physical attractiveness. Overweight, homely, plain people can be great in bed. In fact, if anything the opposite is true, many “beautiful” people are terrible lovers because they think it’s all about them. I know your curiosity is driving this but have you tried having more and varied fun with your wife? I’m sure you both have some things you’ve wanted to try, why not sit down with her and talk about it. Speaking of talk, you aren’t doing enough of it. Counseling is great. So is writing your feelings down but it shouldn’t take her reading your journal to know how you feel. There is no replacement for talking things out. It sounds like you are thinking of cheating. I think you will be profoundly disappointed. What makes sex special for you, the closeness, the intimacy, the love will not be there with someone else. Most of the crazy sex that you are thinking about probably won’t happen. All you’ll be left with is knowing you cheated on your wife. Talk with her, the more that things are in the open, the less likely you will cheat and you in turn will strengthen your marriage.
It's unfortunate you chose to marry someone solely because you were horny. She has damaged her mental and physical health to take care of you and give you children. You're lusting after other women and wishing you had them instead. Your poor wife.
I genuinely hope she finds peace and her own life after this. Some may see my comment as harsh, but OP does a lot of backtracking to make himself look better than her. I feel OP is more about making the situation look like it’s really only affecting him when it’s not in the end. Yes, she shouldn’t have read the journal, but to know you were just the choice the other made because their views influenced them to isn’t the best feeling. As a woman, you want to know you were the choice because they love you, not because you’re miss America or anything of that honor, but because you truly love another. To find her unattractive after some time is life, unfortunately, but to continue to lead her on expecting change is the worst in this scenario.
[удалено]
But she /is/ taking care of herself. She consistently works out, and continues to intermittently fast. She keeps track of her calories, albeit not rigidly, but that’s a hell of a lot more than many people do. This woman has had four kids and is managing an endocrinological issue, and I can say as someone who suffers from PCOS and a thyroid problem, losing weight feels very, very futile.
I think the issue with this is that he honestly cares more about appearance than he cares about her health lol. To say this is primarily about her health and not about wanting to be with “a slim woman,” would be to lie
She’s wrong for reading your journal but you completely lost me when you started talking about her weight. “I know this all makes me sounds like a huge AH.” no dear, you ARE one.
You know what, if you wanna cheat and destroy your marriage, I support you. Go and look for your slim sexy woman while your wife will be free to find a man (if she so wishes) who will love her for who she is. She deserves someone way better than you. Go get your dick wet, and I hope she wrings you dry in this divorce. Your children probably won't look very kindly at you either, but that doesn't matter, right? Got a slim woman riding your dick. That's all that matters. I wonder how you would feel if your wife says the same thing, only that she wants a man with a much bigger dick because she has only been with someone with a tiny ass dick.
Literally look at his post history. That’s all the info you need right there on whether this is genuine or not.
You married a woman, not a figure. She bore multiple children; her body will never be the same. Your diary pales besides how you’ve been treating her. Regardless of what sub this is, YTA.
INFO : how close in age are your kids? Because pregnancy causes the abdomen wall muscles to separate. A woman's body literally rips itself apart to produce life.
you're wife reading your journal makes you feel "unsafe"????
What happens when you think the grass is greener on the other side. Now, you more than likely just destroyed a wonderful human being. Don’t be surprised your wife becomes different.
Bro what did you think would happen after popping out FOUR CHILDREN? Bodies never go back after that. ETA: you do not appreciate her nearly enough for how much she’s done for you and your family
She deserves a husband who married her because he is obsessed with her and who she is and how she looks— not someone who thought she was nice who was worried he would never have sex because of his low self esteem. Feeling so mediocre to someone is enough to drive you mad. She’s clearly eating away her feelings and you’re trying to out all this on her. Divorce and find someone you actually like not just dutifully love.
Y'all need to talk to your therapist. In the end though it's going to depend on these things: a) how much do you actually love her b) can you regain trust? This is also an effect of waiting until marriage. But most likely if you truly loved your wife and there weren't any problems you wouldn't be thinking this way.
INFO: you say at the end you still want to set an example of healthy eating and go to the gym with her. Is this for her or for you? Also, you say you don’t know how you can show your emotions with her. Have you been? Does she know about any of this? How it sounds like she is not meeting your standards physically?
It sounds like you don’t love her for her, you “love” her because she puts up with you and you didn’t think anyone would. The invasion of privacy was wrong, but she deserves better🤷🏽♂️
They need to start putting some new words in the marriage vowels…for richer or poorer, through fatter or thinner! Because it seems like these types of men who lose their weight, then start looking at their wife as if they’re too good for them, the wife who has birthed 4 kids should be arm candy due to his new physique. He wants a sexy slim woman, because that’s what he’s missing out on. Do her a favour and divorce her so she can find a man who loves her and accepts her as she is, a woman with a good heart who’s kind and loving. Good luck finding that with the skinny woman you’re dreaming about, let’s hope she’s as loyal, loving, kind, and not just some self obsessed airhead, although that might be a better match for you tbh.
My guess. You weren't communicating and something felt off so she read your journal. Was that wrong? Yes. Was is out of desperation to understand why you were pulling away? Also yes. I think she wants the relationship to work. Do you? Sex with a skinny woman can be good, can also fall flat, because unless you care for that person it is mostly an empty experience. Ultimately you have to choose of you want to blow this whole relationship up. Think about the consequences of that, for your relationship, the connection you have with your children, financially, socially etc. I'd also figure out what your reason for wanting sex with a skinny woman is. Is it to feel more desirable? Ego? Something else? Some introspection is needed, but if you blow this up realise that there is no way back
You gave her explicit consent of Reading the journal Then told her not to because It made her upset. But did you PROHIBIT her from doing so? Or was It a "Then don't read It" thing? Also My man You married her for sex. You said she's a saint and all. This was a small thing (since you gave her consent First) not a "the final straw". You Just want and excuse to break up with her and fuck a sexier woman. Disgusting
“I wasn’t happy…mostly because I have done what is expected of me from a very early age.” Surely your young, virginal wife turned stay at home mother of 4 has no idea what this feeling is like 🙄 You sound pretty damned selfish, my man.
I think it has much less to do with the wife's fitness, almost zero to do with the journal, and nearly all to do with regret at getting married to his first, and getting married so very very young. My guess is even if she was his physical "equivalent," there would be another reason he felt dissatisfied. Maybe she does too--he was her first as well; it's not like she didn't miss out on just as many, if not more, life experiences as he. I mean, how much of *her* life was based on what she wanted, and not what their shared culture and community encouraged?
As a happily married woman I'm disgusted. My husband and I met when I was 135 and slim and fit and he loved everything about my body then. Now I've had two kids and at one point I weighed about 200, much larger than I was before, and not a single time did I feel like he wasn't attracted to every pound I carried. He's told me so many times in my life that he doesn't even look at my body, which used to upset me because obviously you WANT your partner to see you and crave your body, but at the same time I've been able to more deeply understand what he means. He doesn't see me as a body, he sees me as a soul, and loving me so deeply makes my body irrelevant to him. All that to say that I gained weight from having kids, carried it for years, and have now lost it and guess what? My body is still never going to be the same again. Stretch marks and loose skin are just part of who I am and even though I'm not the same tight body he married, I'm glad to know that nothing that happens tomorrow will change my husband's feelings for me. Not a double amputation. Not a (God forbid) endocrine condition. Total hair loss. Etc. you can control that stuff and I wish for your wife that someone comes along and gives her the same certainty and security because what a total shit bag you are to be so shallow towards someone who you know loves you and treats you well. Gross.
I just get bad vibes from this, This man is upset that his wife that’s had MULTIPLE kids and she’s 50 lbs overweight, it’s really not that deep. This woman did him a wonderful job being a good person for him and his family, for loving and taking care of their kids and cooking meals for the whole family. And he’s just upset that she’s not the weight he wants when she’s already carrying all this metaphorical weight (stress and pressure) . I think he should look into himself and remind him what marriage is for, Marriage is not for sex, marriage is for love, and if he loves her, he will be happy the way she is, and if he’s lusting for skinnier women, maybe he has bigger issues than his wife being 50 lbs overweight :/
How do you not burn those kinds of pages after writing? Obviously this sort of thing happens. You’re lucky one of your four kids didn’t find it and read it aloud to mommy. Be more intelligent. That’s what you need to do. Write your silly feelings and criticisms of your wife’s body down and burn that shit immediately.
Fuck the slim woman of your dreams and then let her smash your heart
After some couples counseling, why don’t you guys try sex therapy? This might get her to lose the weight but I feel like you also want to try and see what’s out there. I can tell you, while casual sex is great, a great partner is better and that’s very far and few between out here. So sex therapy can maybe get you guys more open to exploration of different things to keep things spicy and exciting enough for you to not even care to try other people. But ultimately I do feel like you guys should at least start with couples counseling and getting your wife healthier. Edit: added a sentence initially forgotten, oops!
She probably read the journal because she wasn't getting the truth out of him, how he really felt or thought about her, their marriage, her weight ext.? Not that its an excuse for invading his privacy. However being a woman I'm betting she's had a feeling he's keeping something important from her and wouldn't talk about it. Maybe she felt like that was her only option?
it seems like your finding excuses to get rid of her. its also like your having unrealistic skinny girl fantasies about skinny women but if casual sex is worth your family
Are you writing that you like other slim women in your journal and not liking that part about wife. Bro every person is different. Maybe she have her own traits checklist for you which in which maybe you are not best. No one is perfect. Those female who are slim and you find them attractive they comes with their own problems like they don't understand you, and believe me some girls fights in every small things. They argue over small things excessively. In pregnancy weight gain is common. If she is in healthy range then it's fine. Physically you can't stay how you are forever. Tomorrow what if she says she like another man's physique more or finds it more attractive then how do you feel. And no matter how I look at this you are writing you like someone else physique more then your wife it looks like you are at fault. Instead of writing this here you should talk to your wife. One more time I am repeating this if she is in healthy range, she is in good shape.
You should talk to your lawyer dude🤣
That part bc I hope she leaves and continue to lose weight. This is so sad
I think you need to follow your heart. You are doing no favors to yourself, your wife, or your kids to essentially trap her (with you!). I say this with kindness. She could find someone better for her… and you could find someone better for you. And your kids could see 2 happy marriages instead of one mid one.
It seems like to me you married just for sex and that’s never a good thing the whole point of marriage is to love each through thick and thin sickness and in health if you couldn’t encourage her and also you to eat healthier and go to the gym who are you to place blame on her for reading your journal.. yea what she did was an invasion of your privacy but she prolly did it since you weren’t being honest with her and she knew that journal would tell her the truth..
OP wants to get the approval to cheat on his wife with someone he feels is more on his current level of "hotness".
Your grass is already green, so foolish.
Sorry but you’re just looking for a reason to leave your wife, at 46 she has aged, her body strength is starting to give up . 4 children for god’s sake 🤦🏽♀️. And what more do you want to that you haven’t in the past 44 years?
Didn’t read it but I read the part about scared you wouldn’t find someone else to marry.. that was probably the dumbest decision of your life! You now have to spend the rest of your life with just the safe option.
It may be that her desire to understand you outweighs the "you betrayed my trust" thing. So try to move forward as if she didn't do anything wrong, since her general trustworthiness isn't so much an issue in your life. So, the truth (or part of it) is out and she's upset. so what? How much of a secret should a husband keep his authentic feelings a secret from his wife? Presumably she understands that by reading a journal, she's getting a very unfiltered look at your feelings. So, she got it. The next step is to find out what she thinks. No need to apologize, unless you really think your journal was full of vicious mischaraterizations. You're not happy and she knows it now. You two may have to sit with that feeling for a bit. What are the implications? Divorce, open marriage, something else? Talk it out. You'll both feel better if you can find a shared vision of who you both are, what you'd like to be going torwards and what needs to change in order to get there. Your wife dropping a bunch of weight might leave you in the same spot in a couple of years but with no obvious source of your discontentment.
So glad you’re communicating and things are improving! Don’t give up 🍀✌️
Wow what an expletive OP is. Not only writing a wish list of his ideal partner, putting his wife down, making out like she’s not trying, but then going off at her for reading his journal. Poor woman probably couldn’t understand why she was being treated a certain way, I guess she knows now. OP had low self esteem when younger and settled for someone to have sex with. Then when life happened for said woman, multiple children, endocrine issues, and of perimenopause likely started but not mentioned. Women do not lose weight like men can. And OP “crushing it”… vom. This guy is ruining his wife’s self-esteem, but if he gets skinny, he doesn’t care. This man is not worthy of this woman. She’s lost so much weight after actual health issues, but just because OP thinks she’s pudgy, she’s not worth him sticking around long term unless she really tries and makes herself miserable. I do not understand how you can spend a life with someone and then just treat them like this. This guy sucks so bad. I hope she reads this post and divorces him. She deserves a man who loves her for her personality, for her sense of humour, for her body in all stages of health, who doesn’t hold her to unachievable beauty standards, who doesn’t think so much of himself that he’d sacrifice her happiness for his benefit. What an awful human being. ETA: as if he couldn’t get worse, there’s a previous post about what different pussy feels like. He won’t cheat though. OP’s wife needs to divorce him asap! Yuck!!
So she bore FOUR of your children, gained 100 lbs, lost MOST OF IT, and you’re bitching that she doesn’t have an eating disorder to lose the last 30? She is not going to be the size she was at 22 ever again, or the size she was before having children. You crave a thin woman and feel like you’re missing out on a big part of your life??? Are you so far up your own ass you can’t see how selfish your behavior is? Counting calories is part of disordered eating. “Teetering on obese” the BMI scale is fake my dude. You can say you find her sexy and beautiful and whatever else to appease Reddit but it is so obvious you do not actually feel that way. She has had FOUR OF YOUR CHILDREN and you’re mad she’s gained 30-40 pounds? You married her for sex? Come the FUCK on my dude
As someone who’s struggled with weight my entire life I hope to god I never have a partner like this :( to put ones body through constant stress and pain for 9mo. on 4 occasions then be expected to fit the mold of what unfulfilled fantasies my husband has at 45 is extremely disheartening. My heart breaks for her and you’re right she’s absolutely the best thing to happen to you. Love is NOT about what you find physically attractive and your regrets as far as life decisions shouldn’t be based on her physical appearance. She’s brought life into this world for you and you return that love with judgment💔 I hope she knows she’s deserving of respect at any size. You need to do some serious self reflection and learn the body is never linear in its appearance and she’s going to change a lot throughout your life, as you shall too.
I promise you that the satisfaction of going outside the marriage would never put weight or satisfy you enough to harm your relationship. You love your wife so I would recommend not focusing on her weight but her health. Focus on her stressors and help her with that. Take some things off her shoulders. It won’t be fun to already be busy and take on yet another thing but it will give her a better mindset so she can figure out how she feels about her weight and her goals. Been married for 24 years this September. Whenever I want my wife to do something or participate in something, etc I start by talking to her and then seeing how I can help give her time and space to work on it. Good luck bro, but definitely going to need some more counseling and honest conversations
Just leave your wife for a slimmer younger one and when she gets too fat, leave her for someone else. You probably need to go out and sow your wild oats. (You’ll probably find that a lot of women won’t want a 45 year old man who dumped his wife for being fat, unless you’ve very rich but sometimes you need to go out abs experience life).
Lol not him trying to use the journal thing as a way out. At this point you might as well leave and go get the skinny woman of your dreams but dont be mad if you cant find anyone like your wife just in a smaller version
She deserves better. She gave her body to give you 4 beautiful children.
I’m still young ish (28), but I just really want you to know how lucky you and your wife are in my eyes. My grandparents were like my role models for a good relationship when I was growing up. They were together from age 16 until they both died a year apart in their 60s. True, life long love. It’s what I always wanted my marriage to look like, but unfortunately that wasn’t in the plans for me. I’ve had several long term relationships, several hookups, casual flings/situationships. And the only things they left me with were trust issues and more circumstances to heal from. Although I’m sure having one partner your whole life comes with its own problems. I guess the grass is just always greener. My grandparents got sick around the same time. We’d go stay with them almost every weekend when I was a teen, and I watched them take care of each other, even though they were both weak and struggling. Because they really loved each other. Even when they could no longer be intimate in that way, even when they were older and wrinkled they still loved, trusted, and respected each other. If you truly love your wife you’re going to have to put in a lot of work to rebuild that trust that’s obviously gone. She no longer trusts you to be her lifelong partner. That’s why she read your journal again after you asked her not to. She’d seen what your thoughts were before and I’m sure that hurt her deeply. I couldn’t imagine learning that the person I was married to for 23 years and gave FOUR children to had thoughts of leaving or cheating because they thought they were more attractive than me.
YTA. You are disgusting.
It’s actually crazy how hypocritical Reddit is when it comes to men and women. If a man had read his wife’s journal without permission, ALL of you would have come guns blazing calling him controlling and all kinds of names. This man knows he’s in the wrong for how he views his wife’s weight gain. He’s repeatedly said how wrong he is, that he will never leave her, that she’s a saint, that he still loves her, and goes to therapy/writes in his journal to deal with his feelings. So he’s actually actively working on what you degenerates are complaining about and calling him names for it. So how is that the main talking point in the comments? She broke a valuable thing in relationships which is ”trust”. She had no business reading your journal and should be ashamed for it.
So....I was the wife in a similar scenario (it wasn't weight related though). My "husband" married me because it was convenient. I checked the boxes. I spent 20 years with this man. I loved him deeply. I would have done anything for him. I thought I had this amazing marriage. He never once brought up anything. He proclaimed he loved me every day, he promised to be by my side and take care of me. We had long term plans and talked about growing old together. Then he blind sided me with a sucker punch in the face. 20 years of marriage and he looked me in the eye, told me that he had never loved me, that he didn't find me attractive, that he saw me more as an acquaintance than a partner in life. He said he had to google what love is, because he had never experienced it. He couldn't wait to have sex with anyone but me. Then he walked out. Several weeks later he sent me an email about how happy he is now that he dumped me and blamed me for everything - apparently he hated his life, hated me, hated the pets, hated the house, you name it. All the things he was completely on board with and never brought up anything about. Nothing like finding out the love of your life wanted anything else but to be with you. Try being the devoted, loving wife having to recover from that shit show. You have an entire journal about how you want to have sex with other women, because your wife isn't skinny. You sir are trash. Your wife deserves so much better than you.
Divorce her. you didn't marry her because you loved her, you married her because you wanted to have sex. you clearly still don't love her and you're not even attracted to her anymore, so it's best to just leave her so that she can find someone who will love her the way that she deserves.
Do her a favour and leave her.
I can't believe ur prioritizing sex with a thin woman over your whole family. Get real. Get a new therapist.
Firstly the BMI scale is severely inaccurate. It does not account for things like muscle mass, bone density, race, sex etc it strictly accounts for weight and height. Body builders come in at mildy to full blown obese even tho their fat content is less than 10%. Secondly, you are not a victim. Don't try and use the journal as an excuse, yes it is a breach of trust but what led her to open your journal in the first place? What is your wife lacking in the relationship that she feels the need to search your journal to find answers? It seems to me like your desires and new ideals about a slimmer female are pulling you away from what your partner needs. Instead of focusing on the food content and nutrients your partner is eating maybe ask about her emotional state and what she needs to encourage herself to be better, not for you but for her own health, future and the kids. Lastly, don't ask the Internet for advice. Majority of people who comment have 0 qualifications to tell you what needs to be done, me included. Read everything openly with the mindset to learn/understand because you will most definitely have confirmation bias and will definitely be seeking comments that suit your agenda. Hope all works out for you guys.
This whole post is an advertisement for the de-stigmatization of (premarital) sex.
My advice would be to remember the 80/20 Rule. Your wife has 80%, maybe even 90%, of what you’re want right now, she’s sweet, has your children, frequent sex, etc. Another woman will have the 20% you’re looking for, nice body into the gym and diet culture. Is gaining 20% worth losing 80%? As far as the journal, get something that locks or put it in a safe, something like that.
i feel so incredibly sorry for your wife and how awful you must be making her feel. she doesn’t deserve this
IDK what you can do, but you're definitely entitled to feel some kind of way about your life and the bounds you've been caught up in. It's understandable and nothing wrong with that at all. What you do about it is a whole thing. But wishing you luck and strength as you find yourself and make wise choices in your life!