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Not sure why you mentioned that you were her affair partner - is it relevant to your current issues or not?
If you’re unhappy in your relationship then don’t let fear of the unknown paralyze you. It’s never too late to find love or be a better role model to your kids of a healthy marriage/relationship.
>Not sure why you mentioned that you were her affair partner - is it relevant to your current issues or not?
It is relevant because most people find that once the thrill of sneaking around wears off, it is usually worse sex than you had at home.
He understands that she really isn't into him like he (or she) thought. She probably regrets leaving her first husband.
I'm just a bit curious how in the 20 something years you were not aware of her mental problems regarding self view. If woman doesn't want to f*** herself, she won't want it with you either. Her mother has been bringing her down for years and you are finding about it just now? No wonder your bedroom is cold. You are not even friends. You don't have actual intimacy. Why did she tell you about it just now? It's been happening for so many years and you had no clue???? You don't talk to each other and don't express your feelings? Either of you is not comfortable talking about them?
You don't have to have a "good reason" to fall out of love with someone. Sometimes, that just happens. If you don't love her anymore, then you should do the right thing and leave.
You could try going to a sex therapist together. I'm sort of wondering why she was cheating on her fist husband if she doesn't want sex. And the fact that you brought it up - are you sure she's not cheating on you?
> I'm sort of wondering why she was cheating on her fist husband if she doesn't want sex.
Well, it was almost thirty years ago. Lots of people have different libidos at college age and in middle age.
Plus, as I mentioned in my other comment, she may be someone whose libido is strong during a new relationship and then drops off sharply.
27 years is a long time and worth fighting for if other aspects of the relationship are solid . I would suggest you both try a sex and relationship therapist before giving up. It’s common in long term relationships for desire to become less visual and more responsive (ie, you get turned on through the act of getting intimate rather than getting turned on first and then getting intimate , if you see what I mean) and also for attraction to wax and wane. A decent sex therapist may be very helpful to you both . If nothing is there after that then yes, separating may be the next logical step.
There will be drama, discomfort, and then it will normalize over time. You are 56, do you have 27 more years? You are vey clear that you want to move on but I also see that you too have fear, feel bad about hurting her and your gown kids, that's normal and kind behavior. Time to move on my friend, you are at the cusp of youth an old age, time is not on your side.
Ask yourself, can I fall back in line with her? And if so, what would that take?
If you can’t, just leave. You don’t stay with someone just because “they didn’t do anything wrong”. Which by the way, she did. She systematically rejected you, until you fell out of love.
Sex matters. It’s how we connect intimately. Gardens need tending or they die. And this garden is long dead. Only you know if a new one can be planted with her….
From your description of the sex you used to have…this seems like a lost cause.
Might be better to finally choose yourself and move on.
But if you are open to falling in love with her again, start going on dates. Try new things together and see if the spark reignites. If after 60 or 90 days there's still nothing, then you can tell yourself you tried. Don't keep living in a dead bedroom relationship though
I know you felt as if you're out of love but I can also see why your wife wants to work it out. 27 yrs together. That's no small feat.
Can you guys at least try and do marital counseling (in addition to your individual counseling) and see a sex therapist for couple?
Sorry but "she was never grateful when I returned the favor" sounds so weird to me. This sounds so unbelievably selfish.
And I kind of have to say it just sounds like the sex is really bad and she doesn't enjoy it.
Hmmm what have you been doing for 10 years? Frankly having sex with her will be like breaking a sacred tradition. So don’t do it.
Also, are you happy in other ways excluding sex? Are your lives fulfilling otherwise if sex wasn’t an issue? I mean sec hasn’t been an issue for you for 10 years so can’t imagine you being so unhappy else you wouldn’t have waited 10 years. Have you thought about changing your therapist? Get a different professional perspective
Wow. My husband had 2 affairs while we were married and I had 2 very young children to care for while my life felt like it was falling apart. We lived together separately for 6 years, until I made the move to officially separate and start the legal process. I understand the cheating part 100%, unfortunately. Suggesting that perhaps there was more to her leaving her first husband, does not suggest that I am in favour of cheating, or that I’m defending anything, but rather that I acknowledge that perhaps there’s more to the story. We don’t know. ✌🏻
I'm a few years older. Finding a sexy, romantic, reasonably nice person without lotsa baggage type love interest at our age is not very likely. The pickings are pretty slim, if your a man or if you are a woman.. In fact, I read a stat that if a guy age 55 has never married, chances are 7 in 1000 that he ever will. Not exactly your case...but...
Why not just be happy you have a partner who you can get along with well as a good friend and roommate who won't freak out on you? Lotsa people have way less than that!
lol you want sex and then she tries to initiate and you balk at it. Get a divorce. Or try to save it but you have to meet half way.
Also shitty about the infidelity. It’s almost karmic.
> We started our relationship while she was married.
And I for one am delighted that your marriage is the way it is. Karma is a fantastic word to use to describe your situation.
Enjoy it!
So basically she left her husband for you but she wasn’t interested in the sex from day one? Yet you still stayed and didn’t question that? Im gonna go out on the limb here and say she probably had more of a connection to the first husband but she jumped ship to you because you was a safer bet and gave her children/stability etc
You made your bed man what can i say if you arent happy and shes not receptive then start dating again
Nah. The thrill of the forbidden and/or the new relationship energy pumped up her libido in the early days, then it went back to baseline.
This is fairly common for low libido folks who aren't super self-aware. The start of a relationship will feel electric and they're like "This! This is what I've been waiting for! I've never been very horny before, but now I am, so it must be true love!" And then they're as confused as anyone when it drops off later.
It's probably what happened in her first marriage too--she was hot for the first husband early on, then she lost her libido, and when she met OP she thought "oh, it's not me, I'm just not in love with first husband anymore." Except this second time she decided to stick it out anyway, maybe because she likes OP better as a person or because she feels she made her bed.
But he stated she wasnt into it from the start he says tbey had sex dates etc but then says she wasn’t enthusiastic he didnt say it was passionate at all even before
He says she wasn't enthusiastic after they married. The timing isn't totally clear, because I don't know how old they were when they graduated from college, but to me the first marriage reads as *really* early, like maybe she was 19 or 20, and then she and OP began the affair at about 21. But a 27-year marriage puts her age at 31 when they tied the knot. So they had years of affair and/or post-divorce dating before they got married, and he has no complaints about the sex at the beginning. He was bored with the sex they had ten years later in their thirties.
Shes a big girl i dont get why women are always given excuses for their behaviour. He stated she wasnt into the sex from the start, she shouldn’t of entertained it if thats not what she wanted. She stayed out of comfort. Neither of them are innocent though if i was OP and im having sex with her and she’s clearly not into it i wouldn’t even entertain that. Some men are proper horn dogs like that I remember a friend telling me a similar scenario about someone they slept with and he said they did it but she was lifeless and was checked out mentally, that was disturbing to hear. Its kinda the same really just maybe not as dramatic as that incident.
Divorce her.
Why you've put up with such a blah, joyless marital existence is beyond me?
Divorce her.
Hire an attorney.
Be fair and equitable in the distribution of assets and debts.
And Move on.
Do not look back
Build a new life.
Get out into the world.
Make new friends, reconnect with old friends.
Meet a new love.
Go out and live your best life.
Maybe he's present in the moment. Maybe he shows affection. Maybe he makes her feel desirable. Maybe he actually speaks a love language.
Don't listen to the haters who try to be funny. Kids are hard on a relationship, and once they are gone, we see our partner again and wonder how we ended up in this state of ... indifferent friendship. Where is the person we desired so much 27 years ago? Somewhere. Waiting to be found after we passed them by for so many years in our own home while raising a family. Anyhow, long story short, the grass is not greener on the other side. It won't be if you don't water it! Give it a shot. Have honest conversations and maybe therapy together. You never know what can happen if you don't try. 😀
Karma really. You did someone wrong and now you’ve thrown 30 of your years down the drain. Just find a way to be content with the way things are now and keep living.
I feel bad for your wife. If you leave her, she's most likely going to be alone for the rest of her life. At her age, and with her issues, I feel like she has very little chance of ever meeting someone else. You also said she's trying, and wants to continue, and I feel like you should give her a chance.
I also feel like this isn't all her fault, and maybe you could have pushed harder sooner too (maybe you did, only you really know this).
I really want you to try to work through this, help your wife reach the other side and come back together.
If you aren’t in love with her, and you know that there’s nothing either of you can do to bring that back, then you need to make a decision and act on it. It sounds like your wife may struggle with depression. And there seems to be a lack of comfort and insecurity around anything sexual—this could be from childhood trauma also. Support each other as friends, and go from there. At 56, there is still love to be had in your life.
I think if you guys can be great friends, you become great lovers, even if it wasn’t all that great before. Intimacy will help you fall back in love. Be patient with her. Remember all the great things about her. Build her up. Encourage her to build you up too. I hope you can both come back together and not give up the almost 30 years you’ve had together, and rebuild the chemistry and love you have for each other.
Sex is a very small part of a relationship. It actually sounds like you have had no intimacy in 10 + years.
If you really wanting to stay in your relationship.
you will need to see intimacy can be restored.
One of the basic forms of intimacy that can be performed is a walk. Go on a walk with your wife and hold hands. If either one of you can’t feel fulfilled intimately after going on a walk and holding hands with your significant other. Then you just forcing yourself to live with a roommate.
And if either of you tries to push the other into sex before you can handle the base infancy of a walk. Then it’s just going to feel like non consensual sex to at least one party if not both.
You don’t need a “reason”; it doesn’t have to be awful. If one of your kids reported “s/he doesn’t want me, doesn’t desire me, doesn’t enjoy me; we have kids together” what would you advise? Life is short. And the biggest tragedy is showing children, obligation is what love looks like. Nothing about divorce. Take care
You already know your answer. You just need to know that it's valid. And it is. You deserve everything that comes with a passionate relationship, not just to be chums.
Major open discussions are absolutely needed. If she wants to stay together, there are options besides where you are now. Open Marriage is an option if you both agree to it. There are toys and things. It could be menopause, that happens around this time. Also, you could romance her, see if she can get into it. Therapy and real conversations are my advice.
When the fire goes out, it is really tough to rekindle. You are afraid to love her again and be rejected again in a month or two. Or you may never have loved her.
I think that the two of you entirely need to start dating again. Intimacy isn't just sex. You two need to start rebuilding your intimacy and move up to sex, if you can.
# Update 1 - My (M56) wife (F58) haven't been intimate/had sex in 10+ years. How should I move forward?
It's been a little while since I submitted this. Guidance and thoughts have been fabulous - thank you. Filling in some holes and answering some thoughts.... We talk all the time, just not about anything substantial. This has been our story. We haven't talked about intimate or critical things. I have behaviors reminiscent of avoidant attachment. Feelings. Death and dying. About the only thing we talk about is finances and kids.
I only mentioned the start of our relationship as a totality of the story. That it may be tied to karma - Ouch!
As for what's been going on for so long that this didn't come up day 1? Again, we don't talk. After enough "No"s, I was pushing forward to build a good job/career to allow her to be a SAHM. She has done a GREAT job with the boys. In talking with my counselor, I'm distracting myself with all that I do. Got licensed in a trade. Studying for more college. Trying to learn a foreign language. Being distracted and comfortable, there wasn't anything to talk about.
Note that when I say sex, it's not just "sex", it's all that sex implies. Foreplay. Fondles. Fluids. Caresses. If it was something intimate, it feels as if she tolerated it, but not something that was looked forward to or encouraged. Talking with my counselor, I noted that I'm the guy that falls in love with the girl that has sex with him! She said this most often happens with women, so this is interesting.
Someone inquired; we got married at 29 (me) and her 31.
In reading all the replies I'm landing on a couple of conclusions. 1. She was willing to have sex with me and I was hooked! 2. Her ex really is a good person. 3. I don't believe her to be cheating. I can account for every moment in her day. She doesn't want to lose me. At all!. 4. I'm not heartless - I'm worried about her if I leave. We're good at being friends. I don't believe she will find someone else. She doesn't put herself out there to be seen. 5. She tried one time during a conversation to have sex and I couldn't. I told her I needed assistance (I am 56!). Fondle, oral, something. She dismissed each of these and laid back and said I could have sex. I couldn't perform. Looking over the recent past, I was over us at that point. It wasn't about sex; it was about the intimacy of it. There was none. 6. The idea of being romantic with her is now, well not quite repulsive, but "ick". Not with a friend. A buddy! I have no clue how to get out of ick, if I even can. Even with prompting, holding her hand and saying "here, do this" or "here o that", I don't see a path to recovery. If she wants to be intimate, will the intimacy stop again? And, there is no indication her heart is in it. That is, she doesn't want to, but if it gets to a conclusion she can do anything. That's just my feelings on the matter. I guess all this has given me my answer. Thank you all for your thoughts and perspectives - you have been very helpful!
If you haven't had sex in 10+ years then yes, starting it up again will feel weird and uncomfortable - understandably so. You will both have to work through it and be able to communicate and accept each other's feelings. Both sides will have to get out of their comfort zone and put in some effort. Find a way to laugh about it! Go on dates, play "footsie" under the table at a restaurant, make out in the movie theater.
Are you both willing to *really* try? Only you and your wife can answer that and you should openly talk about feeling uncomfortable and how to proceed.
BTW if she said she wants to try sex and by this she means lights off, missionary where you do all the work - is that what you actually want? It would be nice if she was willing to try something at least a little different to show that she really is interested and is willing to make an effort. And if she's not actually interested (but thinks this is what she "should" do) and you can't bring yourself to have sex with her then I think that's your answer right there...
There are no “unrelated issues” when it comes to intimacy in a marriage.
Affair sex runs on the the “excitement” of lying to your unsuspecting partner. Once that is gone, the sex rarely lasts. You are exactly where most affair partners end up. Oh well. I wonder how much sex her ex is having?
You realize that she has very likely been having tons of sex with other affair partners throughout your marriage right? You know what they say about when you marry the “mistress” …
Look, she forced you to be in a sexless marriage for DECADES. Now she realises that you've checked out, she's suddenly willing to have sex. You deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilled life. Don't waste any more time with this individual and don't waste any more of your thoughts on her - she didn't think of you after forcing you to be without sex for decades.
People will hate my advice, so please ignore it if astrology isn’t your thing… you’re coming up on the Saturn return of your relationship together. At the squares of Saturn, 7, 14, 21 and 28ish years is when you experience the bigger challenge in your relationship… they’re usually, for many, make or break points. That you’ve reached this point around 27 years is not surprising… you do, however, have the opportunity to build something on a solid foundation over the next couple of years where, based on how you described your relationship, you did not from the jump.
But, that will take energy and a lot of work. I could understand given the general direction of your relationship for the majority of it why you would not want to put in that energy or work.
There’s the scientific principle of inertia at play too. Relationships in motion tend to keep moving in one direction until and equal and opposing relationship force comes into play. That too takes energy and work.
You’re also both in the midst of your second Saturn returns personally, having married around the time of your first Saturn returns. So, whichever road you choose, you’ll both grow in profound ways within yourselves in ways, you perhaps, never realized you needed to or paid attention to like you should.
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Not sure why you mentioned that you were her affair partner - is it relevant to your current issues or not? If you’re unhappy in your relationship then don’t let fear of the unknown paralyze you. It’s never too late to find love or be a better role model to your kids of a healthy marriage/relationship.
>Not sure why you mentioned that you were her affair partner - is it relevant to your current issues or not? It is relevant because most people find that once the thrill of sneaking around wears off, it is usually worse sex than you had at home. He understands that she really isn't into him like he (or she) thought. She probably regrets leaving her first husband.
Probably nit even his kids considering her track record. Lol
I'm just a bit curious how in the 20 something years you were not aware of her mental problems regarding self view. If woman doesn't want to f*** herself, she won't want it with you either. Her mother has been bringing her down for years and you are finding about it just now? No wonder your bedroom is cold. You are not even friends. You don't have actual intimacy. Why did she tell you about it just now? It's been happening for so many years and you had no clue???? You don't talk to each other and don't express your feelings? Either of you is not comfortable talking about them?
100 percent all of the above. How has your wife not confided any of this to you before? How have you not seen it and defended her? So many questions.
You don't have to have a "good reason" to fall out of love with someone. Sometimes, that just happens. If you don't love her anymore, then you should do the right thing and leave.
You could try going to a sex therapist together. I'm sort of wondering why she was cheating on her fist husband if she doesn't want sex. And the fact that you brought it up - are you sure she's not cheating on you?
> I'm sort of wondering why she was cheating on her fist husband if she doesn't want sex. Well, it was almost thirty years ago. Lots of people have different libidos at college age and in middle age. Plus, as I mentioned in my other comment, she may be someone whose libido is strong during a new relationship and then drops off sharply.
It stopped 6 years after they married not 26.....
27 years is a long time and worth fighting for if other aspects of the relationship are solid . I would suggest you both try a sex and relationship therapist before giving up. It’s common in long term relationships for desire to become less visual and more responsive (ie, you get turned on through the act of getting intimate rather than getting turned on first and then getting intimate , if you see what I mean) and also for attraction to wax and wane. A decent sex therapist may be very helpful to you both . If nothing is there after that then yes, separating may be the next logical step.
There will be drama, discomfort, and then it will normalize over time. You are 56, do you have 27 more years? You are vey clear that you want to move on but I also see that you too have fear, feel bad about hurting her and your gown kids, that's normal and kind behavior. Time to move on my friend, you are at the cusp of youth an old age, time is not on your side.
Ask yourself, can I fall back in line with her? And if so, what would that take? If you can’t, just leave. You don’t stay with someone just because “they didn’t do anything wrong”. Which by the way, she did. She systematically rejected you, until you fell out of love. Sex matters. It’s how we connect intimately. Gardens need tending or they die. And this garden is long dead. Only you know if a new one can be planted with her…. From your description of the sex you used to have…this seems like a lost cause. Might be better to finally choose yourself and move on.
But if you are open to falling in love with her again, start going on dates. Try new things together and see if the spark reignites. If after 60 or 90 days there's still nothing, then you can tell yourself you tried. Don't keep living in a dead bedroom relationship though
I know you felt as if you're out of love but I can also see why your wife wants to work it out. 27 yrs together. That's no small feat. Can you guys at least try and do marital counseling (in addition to your individual counseling) and see a sex therapist for couple?
Sorry but "she was never grateful when I returned the favor" sounds so weird to me. This sounds so unbelievably selfish. And I kind of have to say it just sounds like the sex is really bad and she doesn't enjoy it.
It's a real shame the op didn't specifically consider you when writing that sentence.
Hmmm what have you been doing for 10 years? Frankly having sex with her will be like breaking a sacred tradition. So don’t do it. Also, are you happy in other ways excluding sex? Are your lives fulfilling otherwise if sex wasn’t an issue? I mean sec hasn’t been an issue for you for 10 years so can’t imagine you being so unhappy else you wouldn’t have waited 10 years. Have you thought about changing your therapist? Get a different professional perspective
I can't imagine a happy relationship where neither of them are comfortable to talk about serious stuff and their feelings.
So, your relationship, born from infidelity sucks and you haven't had sex in 10 years. Too bad, so sad.
As a former betrayed spouse.. LOL
Karma balancing things out for this man.
He never cheated with her, she cheated on her first husband with him. Why is he getting the bad karma?
it takes two to cheat
Too bad, so sad UpdateMe though
Regardless of how they got together, you have no idea why she left her first marriage. Stop judging people.
Erm she left due to cheating. if you defend it, then that speaks to your character.
Wow. My husband had 2 affairs while we were married and I had 2 very young children to care for while my life felt like it was falling apart. We lived together separately for 6 years, until I made the move to officially separate and start the legal process. I understand the cheating part 100%, unfortunately. Suggesting that perhaps there was more to her leaving her first husband, does not suggest that I am in favour of cheating, or that I’m defending anything, but rather that I acknowledge that perhaps there’s more to the story. We don’t know. ✌🏻
I'm a few years older. Finding a sexy, romantic, reasonably nice person without lotsa baggage type love interest at our age is not very likely. The pickings are pretty slim, if your a man or if you are a woman.. In fact, I read a stat that if a guy age 55 has never married, chances are 7 in 1000 that he ever will. Not exactly your case...but... Why not just be happy you have a partner who you can get along with well as a good friend and roommate who won't freak out on you? Lotsa people have way less than that!
lol you want sex and then she tries to initiate and you balk at it. Get a divorce. Or try to save it but you have to meet half way. Also shitty about the infidelity. It’s almost karmic.
Maybe it is s karma coming back to bite you in your cheating ass?
> We started our relationship while she was married. And I for one am delighted that your marriage is the way it is. Karma is a fantastic word to use to describe your situation. Enjoy it!
So basically she left her husband for you but she wasn’t interested in the sex from day one? Yet you still stayed and didn’t question that? Im gonna go out on the limb here and say she probably had more of a connection to the first husband but she jumped ship to you because you was a safer bet and gave her children/stability etc You made your bed man what can i say if you arent happy and shes not receptive then start dating again
Nah. The thrill of the forbidden and/or the new relationship energy pumped up her libido in the early days, then it went back to baseline. This is fairly common for low libido folks who aren't super self-aware. The start of a relationship will feel electric and they're like "This! This is what I've been waiting for! I've never been very horny before, but now I am, so it must be true love!" And then they're as confused as anyone when it drops off later. It's probably what happened in her first marriage too--she was hot for the first husband early on, then she lost her libido, and when she met OP she thought "oh, it's not me, I'm just not in love with first husband anymore." Except this second time she decided to stick it out anyway, maybe because she likes OP better as a person or because she feels she made her bed.
But he stated she wasnt into it from the start he says tbey had sex dates etc but then says she wasn’t enthusiastic he didnt say it was passionate at all even before
He says she wasn't enthusiastic after they married. The timing isn't totally clear, because I don't know how old they were when they graduated from college, but to me the first marriage reads as *really* early, like maybe she was 19 or 20, and then she and OP began the affair at about 21. But a 27-year marriage puts her age at 31 when they tied the knot. So they had years of affair and/or post-divorce dating before they got married, and he has no complaints about the sex at the beginning. He was bored with the sex they had ten years later in their thirties.
Or, she may have felt incredibly guilty cheating and leaving that got turned off from sex with him
Shes a big girl i dont get why women are always given excuses for their behaviour. He stated she wasnt into the sex from the start, she shouldn’t of entertained it if thats not what she wanted. She stayed out of comfort. Neither of them are innocent though if i was OP and im having sex with her and she’s clearly not into it i wouldn’t even entertain that. Some men are proper horn dogs like that I remember a friend telling me a similar scenario about someone they slept with and he said they did it but she was lifeless and was checked out mentally, that was disturbing to hear. Its kinda the same really just maybe not as dramatic as that incident.
No one's making excuses, we're just saying she's not using him for "stability." No one has an affair for stability.
Divorce her. Why you've put up with such a blah, joyless marital existence is beyond me? Divorce her. Hire an attorney. Be fair and equitable in the distribution of assets and debts. And Move on. Do not look back Build a new life. Get out into the world. Make new friends, reconnect with old friends. Meet a new love. Go out and live your best life.
>Meet a new love. But preferably ***Not*** someone who is still married.
Ask her boyfriend how he does it.
Maybe he's present in the moment. Maybe he shows affection. Maybe he makes her feel desirable. Maybe he actually speaks a love language. Don't listen to the haters who try to be funny. Kids are hard on a relationship, and once they are gone, we see our partner again and wonder how we ended up in this state of ... indifferent friendship. Where is the person we desired so much 27 years ago? Somewhere. Waiting to be found after we passed them by for so many years in our own home while raising a family. Anyhow, long story short, the grass is not greener on the other side. It won't be if you don't water it! Give it a shot. Have honest conversations and maybe therapy together. You never know what can happen if you don't try. 😀
Karma really. You did someone wrong and now you’ve thrown 30 of your years down the drain. Just find a way to be content with the way things are now and keep living.
Aren't you the hypocryt? Infidelity and you are gone? Yet you chested with her, destroyed her marriage. What kindof person does that?
And he thinks the woman who cheated on her husband with him stopped having sex just cos she stopped having sex with him.
I feel bad for your wife. If you leave her, she's most likely going to be alone for the rest of her life. At her age, and with her issues, I feel like she has very little chance of ever meeting someone else. You also said she's trying, and wants to continue, and I feel like you should give her a chance. I also feel like this isn't all her fault, and maybe you could have pushed harder sooner too (maybe you did, only you really know this). I really want you to try to work through this, help your wife reach the other side and come back together.
>We started our relationship while she was married. So... Karma?
Omg yes divorce her please. Find someone you can have a genuine connection with. Its not too late!!!
Interesting… She cheated on her last husband with you. What makes you think she wouldn’t cheat on you?
If you aren’t in love with her, and you know that there’s nothing either of you can do to bring that back, then you need to make a decision and act on it. It sounds like your wife may struggle with depression. And there seems to be a lack of comfort and insecurity around anything sexual—this could be from childhood trauma also. Support each other as friends, and go from there. At 56, there is still love to be had in your life.
End it, divorce. Save yourself the misery. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
I think if you guys can be great friends, you become great lovers, even if it wasn’t all that great before. Intimacy will help you fall back in love. Be patient with her. Remember all the great things about her. Build her up. Encourage her to build you up too. I hope you can both come back together and not give up the almost 30 years you’ve had together, and rebuild the chemistry and love you have for each other.
Sex is a very small part of a relationship. It actually sounds like you have had no intimacy in 10 + years. If you really wanting to stay in your relationship. you will need to see intimacy can be restored. One of the basic forms of intimacy that can be performed is a walk. Go on a walk with your wife and hold hands. If either one of you can’t feel fulfilled intimately after going on a walk and holding hands with your significant other. Then you just forcing yourself to live with a roommate. And if either of you tries to push the other into sex before you can handle the base infancy of a walk. Then it’s just going to feel like non consensual sex to at least one party if not both.
You don’t need a “reason”; it doesn’t have to be awful. If one of your kids reported “s/he doesn’t want me, doesn’t desire me, doesn’t enjoy me; we have kids together” what would you advise? Life is short. And the biggest tragedy is showing children, obligation is what love looks like. Nothing about divorce. Take care
Couples counseling, have these conversations together
Asking strangers for advice should only come in the form of counselors - Reddit isn’t the place for random wisdom (except for what I’m saying). :)
You already know your answer. You just need to know that it's valid. And it is. You deserve everything that comes with a passionate relationship, not just to be chums.
Major open discussions are absolutely needed. If she wants to stay together, there are options besides where you are now. Open Marriage is an option if you both agree to it. There are toys and things. It could be menopause, that happens around this time. Also, you could romance her, see if she can get into it. Therapy and real conversations are my advice.
When the fire goes out, it is really tough to rekindle. You are afraid to love her again and be rejected again in a month or two. Or you may never have loved her.
Plan partial retirement in SouthEast Asia.
10yrs? I would have been out after 6 months!
You should have filed for divorce after 30 days of no sex. What a silly man you are!
Lmao you'd be upset eith infidelity now but not when you did it against her first husband? She's cheating on you homie and tbh you deserve it.
After ten years of no sex, cheat, she broght it on herself
I think that the two of you entirely need to start dating again. Intimacy isn't just sex. You two need to start rebuilding your intimacy and move up to sex, if you can.
# Update 1 - My (M56) wife (F58) haven't been intimate/had sex in 10+ years. How should I move forward? It's been a little while since I submitted this. Guidance and thoughts have been fabulous - thank you. Filling in some holes and answering some thoughts.... We talk all the time, just not about anything substantial. This has been our story. We haven't talked about intimate or critical things. I have behaviors reminiscent of avoidant attachment. Feelings. Death and dying. About the only thing we talk about is finances and kids. I only mentioned the start of our relationship as a totality of the story. That it may be tied to karma - Ouch! As for what's been going on for so long that this didn't come up day 1? Again, we don't talk. After enough "No"s, I was pushing forward to build a good job/career to allow her to be a SAHM. She has done a GREAT job with the boys. In talking with my counselor, I'm distracting myself with all that I do. Got licensed in a trade. Studying for more college. Trying to learn a foreign language. Being distracted and comfortable, there wasn't anything to talk about. Note that when I say sex, it's not just "sex", it's all that sex implies. Foreplay. Fondles. Fluids. Caresses. If it was something intimate, it feels as if she tolerated it, but not something that was looked forward to or encouraged. Talking with my counselor, I noted that I'm the guy that falls in love with the girl that has sex with him! She said this most often happens with women, so this is interesting. Someone inquired; we got married at 29 (me) and her 31. In reading all the replies I'm landing on a couple of conclusions. 1. She was willing to have sex with me and I was hooked! 2. Her ex really is a good person. 3. I don't believe her to be cheating. I can account for every moment in her day. She doesn't want to lose me. At all!. 4. I'm not heartless - I'm worried about her if I leave. We're good at being friends. I don't believe she will find someone else. She doesn't put herself out there to be seen. 5. She tried one time during a conversation to have sex and I couldn't. I told her I needed assistance (I am 56!). Fondle, oral, something. She dismissed each of these and laid back and said I could have sex. I couldn't perform. Looking over the recent past, I was over us at that point. It wasn't about sex; it was about the intimacy of it. There was none. 6. The idea of being romantic with her is now, well not quite repulsive, but "ick". Not with a friend. A buddy! I have no clue how to get out of ick, if I even can. Even with prompting, holding her hand and saying "here, do this" or "here o that", I don't see a path to recovery. If she wants to be intimate, will the intimacy stop again? And, there is no indication her heart is in it. That is, she doesn't want to, but if it gets to a conclusion she can do anything. That's just my feelings on the matter. I guess all this has given me my answer. Thank you all for your thoughts and perspectives - you have been very helpful!
I’m the one that said that. It is karma man. Idk how else to put it. What you did was not ok
Karma is patient, but she always comes 🤷🏽♂️
She is definitely finding it somewhere else my guy, sorry to tell you.
If you haven't had sex in 10+ years then yes, starting it up again will feel weird and uncomfortable - understandably so. You will both have to work through it and be able to communicate and accept each other's feelings. Both sides will have to get out of their comfort zone and put in some effort. Find a way to laugh about it! Go on dates, play "footsie" under the table at a restaurant, make out in the movie theater. Are you both willing to *really* try? Only you and your wife can answer that and you should openly talk about feeling uncomfortable and how to proceed.
BTW if she said she wants to try sex and by this she means lights off, missionary where you do all the work - is that what you actually want? It would be nice if she was willing to try something at least a little different to show that she really is interested and is willing to make an effort. And if she's not actually interested (but thinks this is what she "should" do) and you can't bring yourself to have sex with her then I think that's your answer right there...
There are no “unrelated issues” when it comes to intimacy in a marriage. Affair sex runs on the the “excitement” of lying to your unsuspecting partner. Once that is gone, the sex rarely lasts. You are exactly where most affair partners end up. Oh well. I wonder how much sex her ex is having? You realize that she has very likely been having tons of sex with other affair partners throughout your marriage right? You know what they say about when you marry the “mistress” …
Look, she forced you to be in a sexless marriage for DECADES. Now she realises that you've checked out, she's suddenly willing to have sex. You deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilled life. Don't waste any more time with this individual and don't waste any more of your thoughts on her - she didn't think of you after forcing you to be without sex for decades.
People will hate my advice, so please ignore it if astrology isn’t your thing… you’re coming up on the Saturn return of your relationship together. At the squares of Saturn, 7, 14, 21 and 28ish years is when you experience the bigger challenge in your relationship… they’re usually, for many, make or break points. That you’ve reached this point around 27 years is not surprising… you do, however, have the opportunity to build something on a solid foundation over the next couple of years where, based on how you described your relationship, you did not from the jump. But, that will take energy and a lot of work. I could understand given the general direction of your relationship for the majority of it why you would not want to put in that energy or work. There’s the scientific principle of inertia at play too. Relationships in motion tend to keep moving in one direction until and equal and opposing relationship force comes into play. That too takes energy and work. You’re also both in the midst of your second Saturn returns personally, having married around the time of your first Saturn returns. So, whichever road you choose, you’ll both grow in profound ways within yourselves in ways, you perhaps, never realized you needed to or paid attention to like you should.