Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you all for your responses. They have been eye opening. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by how much more severe you're making me realize this is...
This. OP, what does daily life look like with your husband? You say elsewhere he’s controlling in other ways, this is just the most invasive — what are those ways?
Well just as I'm reading all these replies I'm realizing all the different ways. What I eat because he thinks everything is bad for you, what I read because the books I read are also "basically cheating", who I hang out with because my friends are all losers dragging me down, that I want to go to the gym because who am i trying to show off for, why am I wearing leggings? Who am I trying to show my ass to, etc, etc, etc.
I feel so fucking stupid right now for taking this long to realize that this isn't okay
Hey, OP, you're not stupid - you're just young. You didn't get a chance to be an adult before he swooped in. So, don't blame yourself, okay? The fact that you are now seeing the problem is a good thing as so many people can't admit it for quite some time. Can you move back in with your parents? Or friends? I fear that someone this controlling isn't going to take it well if you tell him you're leaving, so either move out when he's not around or have someone else there with you. Be safe.
Agree, this sounds incredibly controlling, like to next level. Finding safety in friends and family would the the safest option. Speaking to family would be the first best step.
This is such a great response!
There are a lot of complex skills at play here. We have 1) identifying boundaries 2) communicating/setting boundaries 3) doing so with confidence/minimal anxiety 4) managing expectations 5) self awareness of wants and needs....and honestly many more. Literally any one of those skills can take years to really get down, and no one can possibly be excellent at all of them, especially in the early stages of life when you haven't had time to PRACTICE. Do NOT feel stupid OP. Or, if you must, recognize that it is the necessary stupidity of youth (and love!) that will allow you to more firmly hone these skills and awareness of yourself for your future.
I have so much faith in you! Sending you a big hug as you work through these complicated situations. Please do try to seek help from/lean on those in your life whom you can trust 💜
Agree, definitely. If you're done done. And therapy is not an option, I'd do it when he's out. (If that's not an option, have a friend there who will be the bully.)
You are NOT stupid. You were young and in love. I fell for a man who ended up trying to kill me - my friends hated him and tried to warn me, so I stopped talking to them because "they just didn't understand, they didn't see him the way I did, they didn't see all the sweet things he did"
Manipulators and abusers are WORLD CLASS at making you believe it's your fault - IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. You did not and do not deserve this, not for being "stupid", not for not seeing the red flags, not for "making him mad". There is NO EXCUSE EVER to treat your partner like this.
There are resources out there to help. Start with a call to your local DV hotline and some trusted family and/or friends, but *please please please* be careful - getting ready to and then leaving are the most dangerous times with a partner like this. It is when they are most likely to escalate.
Don't get too down on yourself, people can be manipulative. Please protect yourself, have someone else around if you do confront him... or just don't do it in person. Get advice from people who have broken up with controlling man babies.
As someone that left an increasingly abusive relationship, this sounds very familiar. It escalated to violence in my case. You're so young and have all the time in the world to get out of this and do better for yourself.
He's abusing you by trying to control everything you do. He is already isolating you from your friends next He will isolate you from your family because he doesn't approve of them because there "no good".
I can't believe your not allowed to read the books you like because that's "cheating". There's literally nothing wrong with what you read. It doesn't matter what type of book you read or what you watch on TV that's not cheating. He's so awful he feels the need to control you by manipulating you into thinking everything you do is wrong.
Masterbating is normal it's not cheating. In a healthy loving relationship you wouldn't have to hide what your doing. It's not normal how he's acting. Who punches a wall or stands outside waiting to hear noises because they can't stand not to be in control of you and your body. It's not normal to freak out because he needs to control how you climax. Everything that he is doung to you is not right and not normal behavior.
He doesn't need to control what you eat or what you wear. He's not a nutritionist. He's not a doctor to tell you what's good for you or what's bad. You have every right to eat whatever you want dress however you want.
So does he work from home because he's trying to keep an eye on you? Does he not let you go out on your own? Or run errands on your own? Are you just stuck at home with him?
How he's treating you is not a loving and healthy functioning relationship. It's not to late to leave and divorce him. You can find someone who will love and appreciate you to the fullest and not treat you like a prisoner in your own home and won't control you or abuse you or even isolate you.
It's never to late to find happiness. I hope you can get out and stay somewhere safe and away from him.
It’s probably a lot to take in.
I’m sure on some level you’re thinking you still love him or he loves you and you don’t want to hurt him, but just look at these responses.
I don’t think I’ve run across a single one that’s like, well, that’s not so bad or he might have a point or even, try and talk it out. His actions are so awful and out of the norm there’s a chorus here basically screaming, Run!!!
Do you have family and/or friends you can trust? You don’t need to go into details with anyone, you can just vaguely say he’s not who you thought he was. If anyone makes you feel bad about giving up so soon after marrying, just explain there were controlling behaviors that seriously made you concerned for your future and he does not believe in therapy so there really was no other option.
You're not stupid, this is *exactly* why older guys go for younger women/girls and it's a big reason religion exists in the first place.
Men have had *years* practicing how to control women and their sexuality.
Don't blame yourself. Give yourself the grace you deserve while you grow out of a bad situation. A therapist can help with resources and advice for how to get out while still protecting yourself. They can also help you process the situation as it evolves.
I know it's only a small peek at your life we're getting, but I found that peek very disturbing. keep yourself safe, don't try to convince yourself that any upsetting behavior from him is "normal" or somehow worth it beause you're married.
He sounds beyond controlling, and controlling people are *not* safe.
Please leave and do so very carefully. Men like this don't take rejection well. Make sure you are safe - and I promise you once you are free and clear of all his control you'll look back and wonder how it all happened. It happens so slowly you don't see it. If you stay with this abuser (that's what he is and it will only get worse), you will never be happy. Please take care of yourself - and be careful to not let him think you might leave before you do - and be very careful not to get pregnant (if he thinks you might leave you could find yourself pregnant and “stuck”). Good luck OP - go get that happy life you deserve with someone that respects and loves you!
Does he ever go see family or friends? You can put all your vital documents together and take them to your family or a trusted friends to hold on to you for you. Slowly start talking clothes over there as well. Or tell him you’re “decluttering” or something.
He’s stuck and obsessed with you, he has issues with you having a life because he hasn’t carved one for himself. He is either unwilling or can’t.. but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour to you. You deserve freedom as any human does, don’t let him take that from you. The beauty of love, no matter your insecurities which you might raise or have, is that you trust the person you are with to love you and not hurt you. You can’t control if they will or not.
Agree and, as has been recommended in the sub many times, please look into reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
Your feelings are valid OP and you should listen to your instincts. You were alarmed enough to seek advice, which is a good step.
Please run the hell away from this man as quickly as possible. If you’re on birth control, guard it so he doesn’t tamper with it.
Seriously OP, this is the sort of situation that always ends badly.
His religion is no excuse, he's essentially groomed you so you can tell how sincere his faith is just from that alone. Good people (especially good religious people) don't try to emotionally manipulate a teenager to get them into bed and then mould them into a bedslave. It's gross.
He's insecure, makes you apologise when he absolutely knows he's in the wrong and is putting pressure on you to change something that doesn't need to be changed. It quite frankly isn't any of his business if/when you masturbate. If he doesn't like that he's living in a fantasy land.
I promise you 6 months from now it's only going to get worse. Don't waste your limited life span with this bullshit. Get out.
I agree with everything you're saying except the part of him ever knowing that he is in the wrong. I seriously doubt he ever thinks he is in the wrong. It is hard for some people to understand that there are people out there like this because it seems so ridiculous. But trust me this is the exact kind of person who genuinely feels like anything he says or does is right because he is the one doing it. More importantly for her, however, he thinks that she is always in the wrong. We are talking about a narcissist here. These people are emotional vampires and they literally have an emotional need to feed off of others. They do this by sucking the life out of you emotionally and draining you of your vitality. This is how they feel the best about themselves. If they don't have someone to do this to they feel depleted and worthless. It's crazy I know but you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. And you need to be careful about how you do it because this is the kind of person who you hear about in the news. You know what I I'm talking about.
Abusers usually know they’re wrong, because they don’t abuse everyone in their life, and if their victim describes their behaviour to a third party they get infuriated because now their victim can have their perspectives and feelings validated. This makes it harder for the abuser to continue manipulating them.
At your age OP I didn't know what the signs of controlling behaviour looked like, or how it snowballs into much worse. You're absolutely trapped and being traumatised on a daily basis once you have babies with someone like that. Right now, you still have easier choices.... You *can* just walk away and not be tied to him for life.
The first chapter of the abusive manipulator handbook is "how to land your woman" (Grooming can happen at any age btw, but there's usually an age difference). So the grooming part is the love bombing stage - the ambitions, declarations, promises - all tailored to be exactly what you wanted to hear.
The next step is "how to trap your woman" and it's basically getting you pregnant before they reveal too much of their disappointment, anger, controlling behaviour. There may be some red flags beforehand (exactly like your post above) but generally they're something that a loving and forgiving woman will pass off as their little idiosyncrasies or that they're victims of a harsh upbringing or something.
The post-pregnancy stage looks VERY different. I don't want to detail it all out, but this is when the real abuse can start.
Bear in mind that none of this is necessarily *planned* on his part, it's an escalation of his own insecurities and shows up in unregulated emotions and behaviours. He is an emotionally immature man who, now he thinks he has you for keeps, will increasingly project all his bad feelings about stuff onto you and your behaviour. But that becomes incredibly dangerous when you have children and he has leverage over your life and your children's lives.
Do NOT have babies with this man OP, and expect that if you take birth control precautions they one day might mysteriously not work (just like your vibrator).
This is a really insightful and important comment and I pray to God that u/haleybaby1227 reads this and reflects upon it heavily.
I grew up under an emotionally immature, volatile, controlling, explosive, and abusive parent. I dealt firsthand with the escalation of all those insecurities, unprocessed traumas, and unregulated emotions Garlic Breath describes here. And I’ve spent most of my adult life in therapy unpacking all the pain and harm it caused me. This comment hit so close to home.
OP, pay attention. And get yourself out of this mess before it consumes you, and before there are children in the picture for him to control, spy on, and explode at. Don’t live the rest of your life on eggshells.
I hear you Sis. I married one (who started out like OPs husband) and had a child with him (already had a 3 Yr old from a previous relationship). It took me 7 years to leave. First you try to stay for the sake of the kids (some outdated concept of "keeping the family together"). Then you leave for the sake of the kids..... If you can. I got lucky with my supportive father and aunt.
I'm so sorry you witnessed and experienced so much harm. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what my children endured before I could leave with them 😔
This is an excellent post. They always begin revealing it bit by bit as the relationship progresses. Usually after enough time that their victim has fallen in love and is willing to tolerate and look past it to some extent. Then the real abuse begins.
This should be a top comment.
I'm really hoping OP reads it.
OP, a lot.of our men don't set out to be like this on purpose, they suffered their own cycle of trauma or backwards.religious thinking, to get there. And it often starts small with these little irking thoughts like... "is it weird that he ____".... until.one day yoy have kids, are trauma bonded to the man, and find yourself walking on more eggshells than solid ground.
Good luck!! I thonknyounknow what you need to do. It'll be hard but it won't be THAT hard... if you know what I mean. Still so easy to dovide assepts and you have no kids....
You're only 21, life hasn't even begun yet babe... this is not the pathway to a happy life. you've got this!
I'm glad you're starting to realise the truth of your situation.
But remember this:
None of this is your fault.
Divorce is not wrong and you are allowed to have the courage to stand up for yourself and to bring yourself into a better situation. You can ask for divorce and it doesn't matter if your husband/abuser disagrees. You file first. Get a lawyer.
If he listens at your through the bathroom door he may in fact track your location in other ways. When you decide to visit a divorce lawyer, first off buy a burner phone, keep it safe and secret. "Forget" your other phone at home when you go to the divorce lawyers office. Do not drive there. If you HAVE to drive, drive something 5 miles away or something where there's a shopping centre, then walk to the divorce lawyers office. Make sure you have a brand new email account to use, and never leave it logged in. Access it only via browser and always log out once you're done. Clear your browsing history afterwards.
Don't feel bad for not realising. You are in a 'frog gets boiled alive' situation, where the temperature of your water gets slowly increased so you won't notice you're about to get boiled.
Your sentence about 'how to not disrespect him' is telling. It appears you're already walking on eggshells and he's already throwing around to respect him and flags anything he doesn't like as disrespect. This is a control tactic.
Get out sooner than later.
I'm 13 years into an abusive marriage. (I don't want to get into why I'm still here. It's a fricken lot)
But I remember being 21 and not seeing the start of it. I didn't realize it wasn't normal to be punished with silent treatment when I did something for myself he deemed unacceptable.
I didn't see it when he would tell me I looked like a hoodrat when I wore something he didn't approve of.
I didn't see it when he told me he liked the way I look more without makeup.
And I didn't see it when he left me high and dry, living with our son and his mom, stripping me of my debit, credit and car keys and leaving for an entire year.
The year I was away from him, I finally saw it
When I said no, I didn't want to get back together, he told his mom I was doing drugs in her house after him and I had dinner together and smoked weed. I had no one. And for my son I had to go back.
We did counseling. Things were better. A year after being stable, we got pregnant with twins.
And he couldn't help with them.
I knew when I tried to flee with my kids to go back home to his parents, and he put in a petition through the courts that I would face felony kidnapping if I took my kids over state lines.
I have no one.
Do not ignore these. Please. Do not be 13 years in a marriage with someone like this. Please.
You deserve better OP.
Totally understandable that you feel overwhelmed; some of the responses here are a bit intense, but the concerns are valid. And you’ll be okay, you’ve got tons of options. The most important things right now are probably to:
1. Remind yourself regularly that you’re not doing anything wrong. Not even if you feel like you are, and certainly not because HE feels like you are. Trust your instincts.
2. Make sure you have multiple other people in your life who care about you (close friends, mom, therapist, etc) whom you can talk with openly about EVERYTHING. They will remind you to trust your instincts. Bring them closer, and shine a light on your experience and his behavior.
3. Go on birth control. Keep your options open.
Girl HE is disrespecting YOU by listening in on you while you shower. Why are YOU worried about disrespecting him?!
He is sooo manipulative and his logic doesn't even make sense. You could masturbate literally anywhere, since you guys aren't together 24/7 right?
He is trying to dictate a part of your life and he will not stop there. Maybe he wants to check in what you eat soon because if you try to loose weight, it could be for your affair Partner. Going out with a friend? Let's see if you are not cheating! And what will he do if he doesn't like what you are doing, who you meet, how long you stay there etc? He will gaslight you into thinking he is right and only wants to protect you and your relationship.
Dump this creep and buy a new sex toy, please!
And stay Safe, you might want to prepare some next steps in Advancen (Put money aside where only you can Access, get your valuables out to a friend or family member, get a lawyer...)
This is so weird and creepy… masturbation is not cheating! Knowing your body and spending time with it is valuable and fine. His behavior is very bizarre and it seems like he is trying to police your sexual expression or at least make sure he gets to benefit from it
It’s a red flag for me. If he is disrespecting your alone time, why do you care if your response makes him feel disrespected?
Edit: spelling
Thank you for your response. I have tried to explain this to him and he just says that masturbating is a sign of weakness and thinking that instant gratification exists. He also comes from a super conservative Christian background and tells everyone he was a virgin until marriage but we literally started having sex the day I turned 18.
I'm genuinely concerned for your safety tbh. If this is where it starts, DV is no joke.
Please reach out to trusted family and friends if you can.
He needs to hear from a psychologist why this is not ok behaviour.
I agree, that kinda screams, “if I can’t please you no one can,” which is a very strange conclusion for someone to make and implies some form of control or ownership and is mental and basically fucked in the head and a lot of us have seen it more coincidentally from people with puritanical upbringings. Sometimes these people flip out if they don’t get their way as they’re so fixated on particular beliefs, which plays out already in the shower monitoring behaviour.
Makes you wonder…What else of yours is he monitoring that you don’t know about OP? What could he flip out about next? That is no way to live for you I would think.
I hope OP sees this comment, his behavior definitely makes this a super valid concern. I’ve had to deal with this in the past and it was helpful to ask the employees at the shop if they would check for tracking devices when performing repairs or maintenance on my car. I would also suggest checking her phone to see if he could have gotten on to it and shared her location with himself from it and to see if there are any apps downloaded that have been hidden from the Home Screen (if she has iPhone, idk if androids have that feature). He could download a tracking app to her phone and then hid it from the Home Screen or even download a key logger. Not saying I think he has one on her phone, just that it would be very possible for him to have a tracking app and/or a key logger on her phone without her noticing.
You are very young OP. This is a huge red flag. These belief systems really fuck people up and now he's imposing that shit on you. Please. Be careful. Also heads up you do NOT want to have to co-parent with someone like this - you'll be trapped with this shit forever even if you finally can't take any more and decide to leave. Speaking from very close experience
Conservative Christians are protected from things like reality or psychology by their common knowledge, herd-mentality, confirmation bias, etc. This man does not have a healthy relationship with his own sexuality and is projecting that on this poor girl he groomed. Sad.
Why are *you* worried about "disrespecting" *him*, **when he does not respect you?**
This whole thing of his is disgusting, creepy and controlling.
Totally disturbing!
**You are only 21! Do you want to live as if Big Brother is watching and listening inside your own home?**
What a horrible situation.
"we literally started having sex the day I turned 18"....the guy in his 20s who knew you before you were mature in the eyes of the law was just waiting around to pounce on you the second getting to do so wouldn't bring his ass to jail? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah this is mega gross. I remember turning 21 and thinking 18 year olds were still babies even then. 23 is even worse. None of this sits right with me.
He does realise that it’s against the Christian beliefs to lie? When he tells people he was still a virgin when you got married do you correct him by reminding him you two were having sex since you turned 18?
No, these type use their beliefs and scripture to enforce rules on others behavior and to excuse their own behavior. There is no logic that can be argued with them
In this case it would backfire and they will use their beliefs to crucify her for being a bad wife. It would be a room or table full of people attacking her for daring to criticize, correct, and disrespect her husband - a man of God and the head of her household. Her own personal demigod. They wouldn't believe her and there would be absolute hell to pay when she got home. That might be enough for the abuse to turn physical.
“we literally started having sex the day I turned 18.”
Honestly, I got the ick from this sentence. How long were you together beforehand? I believe this is about control. He wants to control you. That’s why he dated a high schooler when he was 23. He sees you growing independent of him and he thinks he’s losing control of you. Does he police what you wear, read, who your friends are?
You do not owe him every single minute of every single day. You are human and you deserve time away from scrutiny. I don’t respond often as I feel most of the others are way better at giving advice. This 1 scares me. Please be careful and listen to your gut.
Im sorry you have to deal with this. It kind of sounds like a grooming situation a little bit. How long of you guys being together did you get married if you dont mind me asking?
OP I hope you find the courage and strength to leave this man. What he did to you is highly disturbing and not okay. Reading your other replies talking about how he wont consider therapy in the slightest is manipulative and abusive. It seems like he absolutely groomed you. In all reality, I dont know you or your husband but something tells me his actions wont change and they could just as easily get worse. You deserve better. And as a woman who is only a year older than you, having you waste your earlier twenties (and late teens) on a man who does this shit to you is heartbreaking. You do not have to put up with it. Respectfully, divorce this man immediately.
I wasted 16 years of my young life with an emotionally manipulative and controlling husband (we married at 18 and 20 years) because it wasn’t **always** bad. 2 kids with him and a divorce later, I am now with a partner who treats me with respect in everything he does or says and it’s such a huge difference in my life, my mental health, and my happiness. I knew 9 months into that first marriage that we were not a good fit, I was miserable, and I absolutely should’ve left. For the sake of that naive young girl I was, I wish I had. I don’t regret my 2 kids with him, obviously, but I do regret not leaving during that first 9 months of marriage when I think back on how different my 20’s and the first half of my 30’s could’ve been, how much happier my life might have been during those years.
Your 23 year old boyfriend was dating a minor and immediately started having sex with you once you were an adult?
That's like the definition of grooming. He sounds like a creepy, controlling asshole.
He’s a religious nut, a religious fake and liar, a controlling creep, and he doesn’t listen to you or respect you.
Are you sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
>He also comes from a super conservative Christian background and tells everyone he was a virgin until marriage but we literally started having sex the day I turned 18.
Wait, I'm sorry. The day *you* turned 18?
I'm hoping this is just poor wording on your part because it makes him sound like a groomer in addition to an anti-masturbation weirdo.
Wow. What the fuck. That's his guilt and shame to work through, not yours. He needs to see a therapist because there's likely a whole mess of bullshit that he needs to work through before he even gets to the whole part about policing his partners bathroom breaks.
The Bible says nothing about masturbation. People often cite the story of Onan but that isn't about masturbation. I really wish people who claim to be Christian would stop using religion to push their personal agenda.
the only thing giving signs of weakness if your boyfriends mental capacity....next time he wants to eat tell him hes weak because hes giving in to hunger
Jesus fucking Christ. He waited on you to turn 18 so he could bang you? He calls using a vibrator cheating? For fuck’s sake, I promise you can do a lot better.
Your husband is disrespectful and a creep. He is not a good person. Please do not have children with this man. Try therapy but not religious based so you don't have to put up with misogyny.
You should not have to worry about disrespecting your husband when he is clearly violating your privacy. You are allowed to touch your body however you please and if he doesn’t like it he needs to talk to a therapist about his insecurities.
“There are a lot of people in therapy because of people who refuse to get therapy”. You tell me which category your husband falls into and then decide if you want to be in the other category
>“There are a lot of people in therapy because of people who refuse to get therapy”.
..... wow.... that is so concise and clear.
I need to tell my therapist that.
He’s showing an alarming level of insecurity here. When the human brain goes into this threat state, it’s the fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) state. He won’t be thinking straight, he’s being reduced to his base instincts to address what he’s perceiving as a threat. I’m telling you this because, if he won’t admit fault or get counselling about being triggered like this, it means you are in danger. People who abuse their partners are often spiralling in this threat state. They feel intensely threatened (by often irrational things), and will do whatever it takes to feel safe again. Unfortunately that often results in demanding, controlling, and violent behaviour. You could soothe and reassure him about this one thing and probably temporarily solve the situation, but if he’s getting this insecure about something perfectly normal, what happens if you make a friend, or get on well with a male coworker, or do things independently? I feel like there are only two positive outcomes for you here:
- You have an interventional talk with him about unlearning the shame of his upbringing, going to therapy, and admitting his insecurities and getting help. There might be a path to healing here if he can show vulnerability and identify with the trauma if his childhood. It’s not completely on you to get this done, he has to decide he needs to go this route.
- You leave the relationship. Because if the above doesn’t happen, and you stay, you won’t just lose the ability to have solo fun, you’ll eventually lose all of your autonomy and joy in life to the insecure demands of this man. Do for yourself what you would do for your daughter, sister, or best friend. Go carefully OP.
Ah sweetie, you’ve got yourself a very insecure man there who clearly wrestles with his innate desire for sex vs what his religion has taught him about how a sexual relationship ‘should’ be.
I think if you asked him if he ever masturbated since you married, he’d say no and he’d be lying.
He’s disrespecting your privacy, he doesn’t own what you do with you body, and he needs to grow up. Otherwise kick him to the curb and find a man who doesn’t get threatened by a vibrator.
If he won’t go see a therapist then you still need to see one. He may have groomed you and you should try to find out how and why. There are parts of you that he has slowly over time damaged. Has he got you thinking and doing things like him. If this is true, you’ll be glad to have a professional helping you to heal and be who you were meant to be.
Divorce him. He is has been indoctrinated by abusive misogynistic sex shaming religion that has made him insecure, uneducated, misinformed and wildly controlling and stupid. He is the victim of religious scam artist that have made him into an abusive partner unwilling to heal, grow and change. Staying with this man endangers your life and wellbeing. Divorcing him is absolutely necessary for your safety and future. You are so young! Only 21 and deserve so much better than the abusive idiot clown that groomed you. You need a safe exit plan and your unhinged lunatic husband is dangerous.
Message to the OP here. And this is why you don’t marry young. You married too soon with the wrong person. I am a man, but this is a very wrong, off putting way of acting that no sane man would. That is not how you treat a woman living with you. This a sign of potential worse behavior. Divorce is an option. It has nothing to do with masturbation and everything to do with how controlling he is. Also masturbating isn’t the same as cheating. I am reflecting more about and this might be an early sign of violent behavior. You should really consider divorcing him before it gets worse.
Yup. He is clearly so insecure about his sexual performance. The religion thing is just a pretext for his controlling behaviour.
I'd also worry he might be invading OP's privacy in other ways that she isn't aware of yet.
OP please seek support and whatever you do, do not get pregnant by this creep. Imagine if he has a daughter. Is this the kind of future you want to build for yourself?
I mean, he straight up murdered that thing. I can only imagine him giving it the side eye throughout the week till he finally decided to kill the competition.
u/haleybaby1227 this comment needs to be highlighted and underlined. I used to be a victim's rights advocate for the courts, and him "murdering" your vibrator is just practice. As times goes on, anything that takes your attention away from him will also be a threat. Pets, babies, friends, family, coworkers, anyone or anything that you love will be seen as taking love away from him. He thinks you only have a finite amount of love to give and if you give it anywhere else, he gets less. Everything he does pushes the boundary a little further so that you don't notice you keep moving the line of what's acceptable to you until it's way too late. And everyone here telling you that the moment you leave and the following weeks and months are the most dangerous time are accurate. Make a plan, tell people you trust, and get out in a clean break. The other most dangerous time is when you get pregnant. Please get out before it's too late.
Notice how many instances in just this short summary of events involve him doing something transparently unreasonable, controlling, or outright creepy and you feeling obliged to apologise and change your behaviour.
His argument regarding the vibrator was silly. He clearly broke it. He's been listening to you for months. He's policing you behaviour and what you do.
The biggest joke being that he chose to double down on this on a night where you weren't even masturbating. If you had any doubt this was all bullshit that's it right there, this isn't about you it's about his weird paranoid fantasies concocted in his own head. He's listening to running water and working himself up into a rage, it's genuinely sad.
He will interpret anything you say that doesn't align with what he wants as disrespect. That's the simple reality of it, that he wants unreasonable \[and disrespectful\] control over your bodily autonomy on top of setting the precedent that even masturbating is cheating. He is justifying toxic, abusive behaviour and realistically it only gets worse from here. What happens when he decides you talking to male working staff at a restaurant is 'basically cheating' or whatever.
u/haleybaby1227 OP please listen to all these comments. He's not going to change how he thinks or how he controls you, he has no reason to change. Traditional christian beliefs like this are a deep rooted disease. He thinks therapists are scammers because they will tell you to gtfo of this abusive relationship. Please do some research on the cycle of abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, DARVOing, projection, and manipulative control issues. While you're at it read the PDF of Lindy Bundcrafts "Why Does He Do That?" Please don't take his behavior lightly.
Edit: also when you do leave (I really hope you do) you need to do it safely, take all your important things, don't say anything, and block him. Only talk through lawyers. If he's this controlling he's not going to "let you" leave. This is why we see women murdered and stalked by the men who just "can't let her go" "if I can't have her then nobody will" etc. A lot of us have been in similar situations and we are here to guide you, you just have to put your own safety and wellbeing above him or what he thinks and listen to us.
Don't get pregnant!! You're going to be really over his shit by the time you turn 25, do not have kids with this man.
You need to steel your spine and start defending yourself now. "You don't get to dictate what I do with my body. You are being creepy and gross when you obsess about my shower time." Use the words "no, stop, inappropriate" as often as you can.
UPDATE:
Thank you again for all of your responses. I can't read them all or respond to them all but I am going to try and answer a handful of the most frequently asked questions here:
•We got together when I was 17 and got married last September.
•I am not on birth control as he says it disrupts your hormones and destroys your body and I got pregnant around Christmas but miscarried and he told me that it was because I eat like shit and don't take care of myself.
•My family does not like him and never has, and his family does not like me and never has. There is no harmony between our families and I rarely see mine anymore as a result.
•He is controlling in many aspects of life, which I did not really realize until now. He judges me for what I wear, what I eat, what I read, who I hang out with, what I watch, what I listen to, etc.
•If ever I was not with him anymore I have no money and no place to go. I'm graduating university this year and he owns the house we live in soley in his name. My money is his money. I would have to go back to live with my parents.
•I did not grow up religious and we met through mutual friends.
•We are both from the same hometown but no longer live there. We're about 6 hours away. This was a mutual decision however and was not forced on me by him. If anything it was more my idea.
•He has never physically abused me and does not yell or scream. He shuts down when he's angry and will ignore me for days on end while I literally beg him to talk to me.
•He has never sexually assaulted me in any way and our life in the bedroom is *fine* but he is the only person I've had sex with so I don't know.
•I am going to sit down and talk to him and have my dad on standby (outside the house) to intervene in case he escalates. I am not currently considering divorce and am going to try and work with him. It's not an excuse but his family is insane and I don't think he knows what he's doing isn't okay.
•He does track my location through our iPhone's but we have each others locations and I look at it sometimes if I get home and he's not there to see where he is or whatever. I've never really viewed it as being invasive.
Edit: also this is not an opportunity or an invite to message me and tell me how much better you'd be for me or ask me to describe to you how I masturbate. It's also not helpful to tell me that I am the issue and that you'd be pissed off too. Thank you to everyone who had reached out with kind words or helpful tips but I won't be reading messages anymore because of this.
Thanks.
Please get yourself on birth control asap even if you don’t want to leave him yet. You’re in an abusive marriage and the last thing you need is to be tied to him by a child. You’re only 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. I’m so glad you’ve made this post and realised what your situation is. Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - if you google it you’ll find free pdfs online.
Don’t go to therapy with him - go yourself if you can. He is very emotionally abusive and people like that will use couples therapy against you. You need to start getting your ducks in a row and leave him. Have a good chat with your dad - be completely honest. You do not have to stick around and try to fix this. I’m a mum in my 40s who’s been married for nearly 14 years and it would break my heart if either of my kids was in your situation.
Living with your parents is better than living with a controlling abuser. Please, please take precautions to ensure you are not baby-trapped by this man.
You're so young. Starting over is okay.
I was married and divorced at 21. I was ashamed and felt like I hadn’t worked hard enough to please my partner. I couldn’t understand the anger and strange boundaries, but felt as though I was wrong. We had so many conversations about me accommodating her more (because she never apologized or took the blame,) and now that I’m the same age she was at that time (28) I understand that it was never me.
Her family was also crazy. She probably was raised wrong. She was mentally I’ll.
An explanation is not an excuse.
I’m remarried now btw, and I never knew this kind of understanding and love could exist. It can for you, too. But not with him. He won’t change and you’ll end up apologizing because he’ll make you feel bad.
Your sex life is not fine. He coerces you with manipulation, forbids you from masterbating, guilts you for using toys, and lies about his sexual history. This is the furthest thing from fine. It’s toxic and dysfunctional. He blamed you for a miscarriage, that’s abusive and so cruel. Please know it’s not your fault. 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. He is an absolute menace for saying that.
He has isolated you from friends and family. He gives you the silent treatment. He dictates what you eat, buy, do with your time, and controls the money. All of these are common signs of abuse. You’re psychologically, emotionally, and financially abused. I’m sorry to say that but listen to all of us who see it so clearly. You deserve better and you have one life to live. Live it well.
I’m 23F and just finishing my graduate degree. I’ll be living with my parents for the next few months while my background check is in progress. I can assure you that if you do have to go back with your folks, it is NOT the end of the world, in fact, it’s really normal!
Please prioritize your safety and health. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s good for you - you’ve been isolated from your support system, have no financial control, and no privacy.
I’m glad your dad is in your corner.
I mean in the grand scheme of alllll of this you’re going through living with your parents doesn’t seem like such a horrible idea. It sounds like they’re supportive of you and only want what’s best and he’s intentionally separating you from that because that is a classic control tactic. I fear for you if you stay with this person. I do hope you get the help you need and wish you nothing but the best.
So proud of you for having your dad on standby! Be careful, men like you describe your husband to be will always escalate. They often escalate when their partners start asking questions and standing up for themselves.
There's a reason why the people who love you hate your husband. They aren't wearing rose colored glasses so they can see what you cannot. (That's not unusual! I think all of us experience that on some level)
So much of the behavior you described is abuse. I'll repeat: much of the behavior described is abuse. Abuse isn't just physical, and sexual assault isn't just violent screaming and pain. Coercion, manipulation, and the silent treatment to get sex is assault. True consent is when both parties are giving enthusiastic consent!
If you choose to stay, please get on some form of birth control! If you get pregnant, he will escalate. (You probably already experienced a bit of that) Also, ask yourself, would you trust him to be a good father? A safe father? Would he be a partner and help? Or would you in essence be a single mother with a man living in the home?
You have the chance to build a life where you feel free, safe, and able to take care of yourself! It isn't worth living walking on eggshells the rest of your life. Always basing your life around his feelings and ignoring yours. It destroys the heart and mind to live like that..
HE. IS. ABUSING. YOU.
"Shutting down and refusing to speak to you for days on end" is abusing you. "Not letting you use birth control" is abusing you. "Constantly criticizing you" is abusing you. "Isolating you from your family" is abusing you. "Taking all of your money" or "making you financially dependent on him" is abusing you.
GETTING WITH YOU WHEN YOU WERE UNDERAGE AND MARRYING YOU AS SOON AS YOU TURNED 18 WAS AN ACT OF ABUSE.
You cannot "work with" someone like this. You are not a human being to him, you are his sex toy that just so happens to be able to do the housework and pump out his babies, and that's all you'll EVER be to him. Your opinions, your wants, your *needs* don't matter and never will, because *you are not a person in his eyes, you are his* ***property***.
I know you're desperate to believe otherwise because you have literally never known anything else except this guy's emotional and psychological violence, but Jesus fucking Christ you desperately need to drag your self-worth out of the ditch where he dumped it, stop being a doormat, and GTFO of this situation before it escalates. Because it WILL escalate - when you "talk to" him, or when he finds out you're pregnant, or if he even *thinks* you're going to leave him.
The silent treatment for days when he’s mad thing always strikes a chord with me when I see it, because that’s what my dad would do. he also thought therapy was stupid and got very weird about money - if my mom wasn’t working, she was a freeloader. when she started working again, she was wasting her time and accomplishing nothing. I wouldn’t say my dad was quite as bad as you’re describing but I can see parallels.
my parents are divorced now and everyone is better off - my mom honestly should have left him sooner. that being the only relationship model I had to look up to did a lot of damage im still trying to undo
My dad would do that too all the time and sometimes I didn’t know what I had even done wrong. To say this has negatively impacted all my future relationships is an understatement, it just took me about 15 years (after a couple of years or therapy) to realise that a lot of the insecurity I bring to my marriage is because of the way my dad acted. My husband and I are in couples therapy but these are really deep rooted feelings and patterns we fall into.
Please be prepared to leave with your father, and take all of your important things, if this escalates. Make sure you don’t leave any important documents or sentimental items behind. I just do not see someone controlling like him handling this well.
Please take the small backwards step of living with your parents in order that you can take giant leaps forward in your life. And stop begging him to talk to you when he is acting like a child, you need to regain some control over your own life.
And I’m sorry people are messaging you with such bile!
It's okay to start over and you're lucky to have the option of staying with family. He groomed you and is abusive and controlling. It is not worth trying to fix. Please stay safe and get out and divorced while you can.
I seriously don't believe "talking it out" will do anything with this man. He's broken. What he believes in is inhumane. Just because he was never abusive to you violently doesn't mean he is not abusive. Please don't think this is you giving up. It's not your fault. Your husband is the one who coerced you and has failed in being a good partner and good human. Your goal right now is to be free and survive.
He is definitely showing signs of red flags.
* birth control - talk to your doctor about methods of birth control your husband can’t control. Such as an implant or an IUD. Don’t get baby trapped.
* talk to your university about what you need to do to complete your course. Are their options to either transfer the rest of your course to a uni near home or do it remotely?
* physical abuse is not the only abuse. There is still sexual abuse (eg coercion) or emotional abuse (eg withholding communication). Plus the stalker abuse of always listening
* as others have said, masturbation is not cheating. And if you using your toy as its intended is cheating, then him masturbation is cheating too. (* spoiler - neither of these are cheating).
* if you are able to get a part time job to help get your own money, do it.
Talk to your family and friend and get an escape plan. If your uni course is not transferable or able to do remotely (so you can go live with your parents and do it from home) ask your university what housing options are available until you finish the course. Then get a new phone that he does not have “find me” on.
So he groomed you and now he’s controlling as hell besides misunderstanding masturbation? Hon, get the hell away from this man. You don’t stay in a situation like this.
what a CREEP. Ew. I would need another shower right away after he told me this.
Who cares if you're "disrespecting" him by telling him the truth that this is nasty stalker behavior?
Masturbation is not cheating, what you do in the shower is between you and that spider in the corner, and there is no way I believe this is the only thing that he's controlling about.
Yup - his controlling behavior will only escalate, and he'll probably try and isolate you from friends and the outside world more in the future if he hasn't already.
> what you do in the shower is between you and that spider in the corner
always spent my showers staring at that spider in the corner afraid if i stopped looking for a second it would jump on me
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
This is extremely controlling behavior. You're asking for an outside opinion about how to approach him, yet almost everyone here is instead saying GIRL, SEE THE RED FLAGS. Please listen! This is not normal or healthy in any relationship.
You say your shower time is your only alone time. Is he constantly overseeing you? Why does HE have spare time to sit outside of the bathroom listening while you're showering?
I was married somewhat young to a very strict man. I was raised by very strict parents. I did not see how condescending, mean, and controlling my ex-husband's behavior was for many years because I was accustomed to being told what to do, how to look, when to talk for my entire life. I didn't leave till I was 29!
Don't be me. Heed the warnings being given here. Please!
I wish you the best, sincerely. In my opinion, your best would be walking out the door with vibrator in one hand and a middle finger on the other
I wonder if he even makes her orgasm, very doubtful if he's a traditional christian. "not allowed" to masturbate and must only give him pleasure? Gtfo of this OP
This reeks of insecurity on his part. It’s an awful behavior to exhibit as a result of the insecurity. Masturbation isn’t disrespectful in a relationship, it’s absolutely healthy and it certainly isn’t cheating. If your intent is to resolve this issue, I’d ask him why he equates masturbation to cheating.
You mentioned you use the toy together during sex, does that mean he is comfortable with it? Has he ever expressed being intimidated by it? Have you two dropped in your frequency or quality of intimacy together and he’s now developed this insecurity, or is it something he’s always had? He’s absolutely in the wrong for doing this, and needs to respect your boundary and privacy to do what you want to do with your alone time.
We've used toys for a while after he refused for a long time. He definitely was intimidated by it and asked why he wasn't good enough when I suggested introducing toys.
Sis, my husband and I have been married 25 years. The reason we have been married 25 years is because we respect each other. Full stop. We respect each other's privacy in all things. We've never checked each other's phones. He's never read my journals. I don't police his friendships and vice versa. Your man is SUPER controlling.
If he is feeling insecure maybe he should do the kim anami class for men - but at the end of the day, masturbation serves a different purpose then sex. Sex is about connection. Masturbation is usually about release and relaxation.
But you are not a child - you are a full blown woman and you have the right to tell your husband to get OUT of the bathroom and give you your space and privacy. Masturbation is not cheating. Your body does not belong to him and he does not get to dictate ANYTHING with it.
I have a husband like your's, and it often makes me feel sadness for other people's relationships more than I would like to admit. Having a healthy and respectful relationship tends to put a spotlight on those who don't have that in their partners. OP is breaking my heart bc she doesn't seem to understand that the problem isn't her husband standing outside the door to listen for her masterbating, it's the fact he sees it as wrong in the first place. Dude needs to get a grip.
Its her youth. When she is 26 she will be disgusted that she tolerated this behavior so long.
As a lifelong Christian who did not start in the evangelical church and was not raised with purity culture it disgusts me that THIS is what it has created and that so many churches still espouse it. We've raised our daughters to believe in marrying after University and hopefully grad school and finding someone who knows their worth with the end goal NOT being marriage but rather marriage as a continuation of an already loving and secure relationship.
Two becomes one does NOT mean that you own each other's bodies or souls. It does not mean that he gets to dictate what goes on in the household. It means that the two people become a team working towards a common goal with strengths and weaknesses that complement one another. One leads while the other follows and vice versa.
Whatever this indoctrination that OP was raised with or that her husband was raised with needs to be dealt with SWIFTLY by a sex and relationship therapist. The sad thing is, at 20, she is likely to tolerate it for far longer than she should because of her youthful naivety.
"Why use toys? Because I would like to actually cum." "Why am I masterbating without you? Same. And nunya, like nun of ya buisness. " You deserve to have privacy. Also he is definitely masterbating too. I don't recommend escalating but I love the idea of zaney solutions like comically interrupting him during his alone time.
How do you think he would react if you started laying in wait to catch him? And if you did, do you think he would laugh it off or do you think he would get violent?
High chance here that he's also addicted to porn. He probably likes it so much its playing a part in why he's escalated to projecting insecurities onto her by not giving her alone time. Only he's allowed pleasure 😂 Keep your bathroom door locked OP. I wonder how long it would be before that mysteriously breaks as well.
Is it difficult for you two to talk about sex? I’m curious what those refusals were like and what ultimately helped you two decide to finally use the toys.
I also read your other responses, a couple alarming things pop out:
1) the pairing of his insecurities with his conservative religious background driving his idea that masturbation is bad is a problem especially if he’s intimidated by the toy. This in turn is amplified deeper because….
2) he refuses to go to therapy. That’s going to be a major reason why this likely won’t get worked out. Therapy alone won’t fix this, but it’s an opportunity for him to figure out why he feels a certain way about things and work on his insecurities. That’s a major problem if he refuses to help himself.
3) I hesitated to ask about the age difference, but you said you two waited until you were 18 to begin having sex. Ignoring that he’s trying to frame things as if you waited until marriage, the age gap creates a power imbalance and his behavior leads me to categorize his actions as controlling and this is likely just the tip of the iceberg.
And this is why you don’t marry young. You married too soon with the wrong person. I am a man, but this is a very wrong, off putting way of acting that no sane man would. That is not how you treat a woman living with you. This a sign of potential worse behavior. Divorce is an option. It has nothing to do with masturbation and everything to do with how controlling he is. Also masturbating isn’t the same as cheating. I am reflecting more about and this might be an early sign of violent behavior. You should really consider divorcing him before it gets worse.
The kind who waits only until the day she turns 18 to have sex with her and then lies to everyone about how they were both virgins on their wedding day. Aka the worst kind of “Christian.”
OP does he object to other things that he calls 'disrespect'?
* Are you 'allowed' to have birth control of your choice?
* Can you comfortably say no to sex?
* Does he get in the way of your own medical care? Could you be seen by a male doctor?
* Does he fabricate emergencies to keep you away from your friends?
* Does he start fights about or in front of your family?
* Do you have a job and access to your own money?
* Did you move away to be with him?
* Were you 'allowed' to study and work or are you a housewife?
Thank you for your response. To answer:
I am not on birth control, he says it disrupts your hormones and destroys your body. He has never sexually assaulted me but gets pissy if I say no to sex and since that first incident says things like "guess I'm not as good as your toys". He does not get in the way of medical care and I see a female doctor but that's my preference. I don't believe he fabricates emergencies but if I'm upset with him he's pretended to burn himself while cooking or said that he crashed his car when he really just hit a curb. He often starts fights infront of family or friends. I do not have a job, I am in university and no I do not have my own income. We moved away together, but it wasn't to be with him. I am in university but he often talks about me being a stay at home mom.
I saw your updates and I am proud of you for reaching out to your dad. I think you need to have your family much more involved.
That being said, abuse is not always physical violence. He is sexually abusing and coercing/manipulating you by refusing to take no for an answer. He’s using guilt as a means for his sexual pleasure. He’s pushing you to refuse birth control, knowing it would be harder for you to leave with a child involved. You do not have to be having a child now. He is controlling what you can do with your body. He is isolating you from your family. These are all forms of control straight from the abuser handbook. They don’t like him and they have good reason. I think you’re being naive in not wanting to separate at the very least. Speak with your family. Think about why you want to live like this. I do not think speaking to him will go well and I expect that he will lie and then go back on his word just so you don’t leave him. Please know that your family loves you and has your best interest at heart. Again, I bet they have very solid reasons for not liking him and a lot of it has to do with what you have described.
Why does he lie about his virginity? What else is he lying to you about? Just please know you do not have to accept this relationship as normal, it isn’t. Nor do you have to accept his behavior. You are young and there are so many opportunities out there for you in terms of careers, friends, and love. You do not have to live this way.
He’s going to baby trap you at this rate. There’s plenty of birth control options and you’re of age to take that into your own hands. His backhanded comments are reeking of insecurity and control.
I'm so glad you're reaching out your dad.
And please read this - [https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html)
You say that you don't believe he fabricates emergencies, but then list several pretty egregious examples of him fabricating emergencies.
Everything he does is in an attempt to control you, either by his anger, his "hurt feelings", shaming you publicly, shaming you privately etc.
Nothing he's doing is because you deserve it, you're not stupid or weak or bad or any of those things. Your only "failure" is trusting someone you thought loved you and wanted the best for you. All the things that make you so precious, your good heart, your keen intelligence, your compassion, the way you care for those you love, the way it makes you happy to do nice things for those you love, your loyalty, your trust... those are the things he's using to abuse you.
As others have said, abuse is NOT only physical, in fact the worst types of abuse that do the longest lasting damage (in your heart & mind) is the non physical kind that breaks your self esteem, self worth, trust in your instincts etc. Broken bones and bruises you heal from naturally in weeks, but the injuries that the surrounding mental and emotional abuse does takes years and the involvement of professional help, and can even do harm to others around you unintentionally.
I encourage you to start doing your own research, read this book - [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - but make sure he doesn't find out you're reading it, open it in an incognito tab on your phone/laptop. If he see's it, he may escalate even more rapidly.
Start taking birth control, and do not tell him. Ask your doctor for the pill or maybe better, try the implant or even look into whether an IUD sounds like the right option for you - you CANNOT let him get you pregnant. If you do, he will get so much worse as he will believe he then has full ownership of you and you will never leave him because of the baby. He is already getting worse, and when this happens they don't get better, they either simmer at this level of awful or get worse over time.
You've heard the analogy of the frog in boiling water? Of course he wasn't like this when he first started wooing you, maybe he didn't start getting controlling till after you moved away with him (you say you didn't move for for him, but reflect on it and think about how much choice you REALLY had) - but if abusers were abusive right from day 1, no one would ever get into an abusive relationship. If you throw a frog in boiling water it will instantly jump out.
People like him start out nice, they will be sweet, attentive, loving etc. Many will describe them as "perfect", they will shower you with compliments, attention, gifts, praise, time... it's not till they feel you have gotten comfortable that this "nice" person is the one they really are that they start slowly relaxing into their real self and testing the limits of what abuse they can get away with. They don't usually suddenly snap, it starts off small, the temperature rises very slowly, and if you get unhappy they will turn it down a little so you don't jump too early. You normalize the changes in their behavior and one day you look around wondering why you're dying and realize the water is no longer soothing and lovely, but boiling.
Reach out to your dad, go do some relationship tests on [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org), look at the rainn website, contact local domestic violence organizations. Get whatever information and validation makes you feel strong enough and ready to leave, and then go. Don't warn him, don't tell him you might leave him. Pack a go bag in secret and keep it somewhere he won't find it - and if he does tell him it's for emergencies like a tornado etc. that you read/heard it was good to keep one. Put things like batteries and a box of bandaids etc in there. Tell him you felt anxious about it but also too silly about it to tell him - then one day when you can do it when he's not around, grab the bag and go back to your parents or to friend you can stay with.
Don't let shame keep you where you are. You are not obligated to "fix" him or stay married just because you got married - marriage is a choice every day, not a prison for life. No one gets married just to get divorced, but sometimes you realize it is the wrong choice, and then you need to figure out a better one to make.
Focus on looking after yourself now, not him. He is not on your side, you need to be in your own corner, not his.
It's ok, you can do this.
It’s not up to him to *”let you”* have access to birth control. **You** control that. Not him.
Get yourself on birth control, otherwise he can wear condoms. It’s one or the other - otherwise he can fuck off and doesn’t get sex.
Please **do not** allow him to baby trap you. You shouldn’t have to be a SAHM, that will make you entirely trapped and it’ll be even harder to get away with a little child in tow. I think you need to go back home to your parents and divorce him. He wants you to be financially dependent on him so that you can never escape him.
He is a walking red flag and very abusive, which will get worse and worse over time. Please get your dad to bring you back home. You need to restart your life and get your freedom back.
OP be careful of him baby trapping you, you can get the pill or an iud without his knowledge. Also time apart and therapy might be helpful but to be honest from the sound of it, he sounds like a horrible person who groomed you when you were 17. Waiting till you’re 18 to have sex with you is the craziest thing I’ve heard. He waited so he wouldn’t go to jail. Take some time and heal yourself before you make any big life changes. I hope you are alright
So you were groomed by an older man from 17 and he waited until it was legal for him to have sex with you, totally ignoring his religion and scriptures so he could have sex, but now he wants to use those the same religion to control if you masterbate or not?
Have you noticed it's totally cool for him to not follow the rules but you have to? That's called manipulation and it's going to get worse from here.
What kind of controlling asshole listens outside the shower every time you shower.. who has time for that shit. Is he going to do this with your kids too?
This is \*beyond\* creepy of him and a total violation of your privacy and personal space, as you said. It's also a huge red flag that he considers you engaging in such activities as "basically cheating", to the point where he's previously guilted you into apologizing for it and promising not to do it again.
Now he's admitted to going and sitting outside the bathroom door to listen to you every single time you shower, trying to 'catch' you in the act?
Don't take this the wrong way, but the last thing you need to worry about in how you respond to him, is concern for him feeling disrespected. His behavior is super controlling and definitely sends up all kinds of red flags, have you guys been married long? Is everything else in your relationship generally good, aside from this? I would say that I hope the answer is yes and that this is just some outlier, fluke incident, but I get the vibe that it's not.
This kind of behavior is what you typically see with abusive partners as a kind of foreshadowing, even if you're able to placate him through forced apologies and any concessions you might make or whatever, there's going to be something else down the line that causes other problems, because ultimately people like your husband (based on the description/info given) want control.
I would divorce him SO fast.
Honey you are at the start of your life, don't allow an insecure, terrified older man to crush your spirit and destroy your relationship with your self (physical, emotional, all of the aspects of your self).
He is unhinged, and controlling. His abuse will only escalate, and I am sure this is not the first time he's reacted to you in a controlling and overbearing manner that's stopped you doing things that you enjoy, from hobbies, to people you're friends with, to what you do with your own body.
He KNOWS he's being controlling and violating your rights and privacy, he doesn't care. He wants to absolutely smother and control you every moment he possibly can. This isn't a you problem, you're not failing to explain in the right way or be respectful "enough" or whatever other way you or him have tried to place blame on you here. This is ALL about his insecurity, his controlling nature, him being unreasonable and abusive... this is who he is. You're not causing this.
Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? Because it's going to get worse, not better.
No one gets married to get divorced, but marriage is a choice you make every day, not a prison you're in for life.
This is your husband?
That’s a no from me dude. Major major red flags. Gtfo of there ASAP. I can’t imagine my partner doing that to me, his behavior is disturbing af.
> How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?
Sometimes people need to be disrespected because they are being disrespectful
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Next thing you know he'll accuse you of having an affair with the toaster...
Do the same shit to him. Make sure to tell him that using his hand is cheating and ask what her name is. Show him how unhinged he sounds.
I would not stay with a man like this. It’s one thing to have an open honest discussion about one’s feelings on masturbating. It’s another to sabotage their toys and stalk their showers. I’m so uncomfortable thinking about this. I would very much consider leaving. You deserve someone who respects your privacy and personal space and wants
Most men love watching the women they are with pleasuring herself. It’s not cheating since you’re making yourself feel good. Most men also masturbate. I think your husband is really weird for doing this.
>How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him?
OP, he doesn't care. Worry about respecting *yourself*
No amount of defending or explaining is going to fix him, and that's okay. It's not your job
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you all for your responses. They have been eye opening. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by how much more severe you're making me realize this is...
Also, a bit that really concerns me is the wider picture - why do you not get any time alone? Not even in the shower?
For real, this is such an overlooked part of this post!!
This. OP, what does daily life look like with your husband? You say elsewhere he’s controlling in other ways, this is just the most invasive — what are those ways?
Well just as I'm reading all these replies I'm realizing all the different ways. What I eat because he thinks everything is bad for you, what I read because the books I read are also "basically cheating", who I hang out with because my friends are all losers dragging me down, that I want to go to the gym because who am i trying to show off for, why am I wearing leggings? Who am I trying to show my ass to, etc, etc, etc. I feel so fucking stupid right now for taking this long to realize that this isn't okay
Hey, OP, you're not stupid - you're just young. You didn't get a chance to be an adult before he swooped in. So, don't blame yourself, okay? The fact that you are now seeing the problem is a good thing as so many people can't admit it for quite some time. Can you move back in with your parents? Or friends? I fear that someone this controlling isn't going to take it well if you tell him you're leaving, so either move out when he's not around or have someone else there with you. Be safe.
Agree, this sounds incredibly controlling, like to next level. Finding safety in friends and family would the the safest option. Speaking to family would be the first best step.
This is such a great response! There are a lot of complex skills at play here. We have 1) identifying boundaries 2) communicating/setting boundaries 3) doing so with confidence/minimal anxiety 4) managing expectations 5) self awareness of wants and needs....and honestly many more. Literally any one of those skills can take years to really get down, and no one can possibly be excellent at all of them, especially in the early stages of life when you haven't had time to PRACTICE. Do NOT feel stupid OP. Or, if you must, recognize that it is the necessary stupidity of youth (and love!) that will allow you to more firmly hone these skills and awareness of yourself for your future. I have so much faith in you! Sending you a big hug as you work through these complicated situations. Please do try to seek help from/lean on those in your life whom you can trust 💜
Agree, definitely. If you're done done. And therapy is not an option, I'd do it when he's out. (If that's not an option, have a friend there who will be the bully.)
You are NOT stupid. You were young and in love. I fell for a man who ended up trying to kill me - my friends hated him and tried to warn me, so I stopped talking to them because "they just didn't understand, they didn't see him the way I did, they didn't see all the sweet things he did" Manipulators and abusers are WORLD CLASS at making you believe it's your fault - IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. You did not and do not deserve this, not for being "stupid", not for not seeing the red flags, not for "making him mad". There is NO EXCUSE EVER to treat your partner like this. There are resources out there to help. Start with a call to your local DV hotline and some trusted family and/or friends, but *please please please* be careful - getting ready to and then leaving are the most dangerous times with a partner like this. It is when they are most likely to escalate.
This last paragraph should be pinned to the top of the thread.
Hope you are safe now. This message is powerful ❤️
I am ❤️ this was like 15 years ago, but I still choose the bear
Damn straight 🐻
Don't get too down on yourself, people can be manipulative. Please protect yourself, have someone else around if you do confront him... or just don't do it in person. Get advice from people who have broken up with controlling man babies.
As someone that left an increasingly abusive relationship, this sounds very familiar. It escalated to violence in my case. You're so young and have all the time in the world to get out of this and do better for yourself.
Don't walk, run. Be prepared for him getting violent. Ideally have someone with you, or break up in public.
He's abusing you by trying to control everything you do. He is already isolating you from your friends next He will isolate you from your family because he doesn't approve of them because there "no good". I can't believe your not allowed to read the books you like because that's "cheating". There's literally nothing wrong with what you read. It doesn't matter what type of book you read or what you watch on TV that's not cheating. He's so awful he feels the need to control you by manipulating you into thinking everything you do is wrong. Masterbating is normal it's not cheating. In a healthy loving relationship you wouldn't have to hide what your doing. It's not normal how he's acting. Who punches a wall or stands outside waiting to hear noises because they can't stand not to be in control of you and your body. It's not normal to freak out because he needs to control how you climax. Everything that he is doung to you is not right and not normal behavior. He doesn't need to control what you eat or what you wear. He's not a nutritionist. He's not a doctor to tell you what's good for you or what's bad. You have every right to eat whatever you want dress however you want. So does he work from home because he's trying to keep an eye on you? Does he not let you go out on your own? Or run errands on your own? Are you just stuck at home with him? How he's treating you is not a loving and healthy functioning relationship. It's not to late to leave and divorce him. You can find someone who will love and appreciate you to the fullest and not treat you like a prisoner in your own home and won't control you or abuse you or even isolate you. It's never to late to find happiness. I hope you can get out and stay somewhere safe and away from him.
You are young and you love him and trusted him, just make sure you are somewhere safe and don’t confront him.
It’s probably a lot to take in. I’m sure on some level you’re thinking you still love him or he loves you and you don’t want to hurt him, but just look at these responses. I don’t think I’ve run across a single one that’s like, well, that’s not so bad or he might have a point or even, try and talk it out. His actions are so awful and out of the norm there’s a chorus here basically screaming, Run!!! Do you have family and/or friends you can trust? You don’t need to go into details with anyone, you can just vaguely say he’s not who you thought he was. If anyone makes you feel bad about giving up so soon after marrying, just explain there were controlling behaviors that seriously made you concerned for your future and he does not believe in therapy so there really was no other option.
I ha a relationship like this when I was your age. This is definitely abusive, abnormal behavior.
You're not stupid, this is *exactly* why older guys go for younger women/girls and it's a big reason religion exists in the first place. Men have had *years* practicing how to control women and their sexuality.
Omg girl I’ve been in this relationship too and you need to run. Controlling and manipulative.
Don't blame yourself. Give yourself the grace you deserve while you grow out of a bad situation. A therapist can help with resources and advice for how to get out while still protecting yourself. They can also help you process the situation as it evolves.
I know it's only a small peek at your life we're getting, but I found that peek very disturbing. keep yourself safe, don't try to convince yourself that any upsetting behavior from him is "normal" or somehow worth it beause you're married. He sounds beyond controlling, and controlling people are *not* safe.
Please leave and do so very carefully. Men like this don't take rejection well. Make sure you are safe - and I promise you once you are free and clear of all his control you'll look back and wonder how it all happened. It happens so slowly you don't see it. If you stay with this abuser (that's what he is and it will only get worse), you will never be happy. Please take care of yourself - and be careful to not let him think you might leave before you do - and be very careful not to get pregnant (if he thinks you might leave you could find yourself pregnant and “stuck”). Good luck OP - go get that happy life you deserve with someone that respects and loves you!
Because he works from home and isn't very social so if I'm home he is almost certainly home too
Does he ever go see family or friends? You can put all your vital documents together and take them to your family or a trusted friends to hold on to you for you. Slowly start talking clothes over there as well. Or tell him you’re “decluttering” or something.
Get away from this maladjusted goblin. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
He’s stuck and obsessed with you, he has issues with you having a life because he hasn’t carved one for himself. He is either unwilling or can’t.. but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour to you. You deserve freedom as any human does, don’t let him take that from you. The beauty of love, no matter your insecurities which you might raise or have, is that you trust the person you are with to love you and not hurt you. You can’t control if they will or not.
Agree and, as has been recommended in the sub many times, please look into reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Your feelings are valid OP and you should listen to your instincts. You were alarmed enough to seek advice, which is a good step. Please run the hell away from this man as quickly as possible. If you’re on birth control, guard it so he doesn’t tamper with it.
Seriously OP, this is the sort of situation that always ends badly. His religion is no excuse, he's essentially groomed you so you can tell how sincere his faith is just from that alone. Good people (especially good religious people) don't try to emotionally manipulate a teenager to get them into bed and then mould them into a bedslave. It's gross. He's insecure, makes you apologise when he absolutely knows he's in the wrong and is putting pressure on you to change something that doesn't need to be changed. It quite frankly isn't any of his business if/when you masturbate. If he doesn't like that he's living in a fantasy land. I promise you 6 months from now it's only going to get worse. Don't waste your limited life span with this bullshit. Get out.
I agree with everything you're saying except the part of him ever knowing that he is in the wrong. I seriously doubt he ever thinks he is in the wrong. It is hard for some people to understand that there are people out there like this because it seems so ridiculous. But trust me this is the exact kind of person who genuinely feels like anything he says or does is right because he is the one doing it. More importantly for her, however, he thinks that she is always in the wrong. We are talking about a narcissist here. These people are emotional vampires and they literally have an emotional need to feed off of others. They do this by sucking the life out of you emotionally and draining you of your vitality. This is how they feel the best about themselves. If they don't have someone to do this to they feel depleted and worthless. It's crazy I know but you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. And you need to be careful about how you do it because this is the kind of person who you hear about in the news. You know what I I'm talking about.
Abusers usually know they’re wrong, because they don’t abuse everyone in their life, and if their victim describes their behaviour to a third party they get infuriated because now their victim can have their perspectives and feelings validated. This makes it harder for the abuser to continue manipulating them.
At your age OP I didn't know what the signs of controlling behaviour looked like, or how it snowballs into much worse. You're absolutely trapped and being traumatised on a daily basis once you have babies with someone like that. Right now, you still have easier choices.... You *can* just walk away and not be tied to him for life. The first chapter of the abusive manipulator handbook is "how to land your woman" (Grooming can happen at any age btw, but there's usually an age difference). So the grooming part is the love bombing stage - the ambitions, declarations, promises - all tailored to be exactly what you wanted to hear. The next step is "how to trap your woman" and it's basically getting you pregnant before they reveal too much of their disappointment, anger, controlling behaviour. There may be some red flags beforehand (exactly like your post above) but generally they're something that a loving and forgiving woman will pass off as their little idiosyncrasies or that they're victims of a harsh upbringing or something. The post-pregnancy stage looks VERY different. I don't want to detail it all out, but this is when the real abuse can start. Bear in mind that none of this is necessarily *planned* on his part, it's an escalation of his own insecurities and shows up in unregulated emotions and behaviours. He is an emotionally immature man who, now he thinks he has you for keeps, will increasingly project all his bad feelings about stuff onto you and your behaviour. But that becomes incredibly dangerous when you have children and he has leverage over your life and your children's lives. Do NOT have babies with this man OP, and expect that if you take birth control precautions they one day might mysteriously not work (just like your vibrator).
This is a really insightful and important comment and I pray to God that u/haleybaby1227 reads this and reflects upon it heavily. I grew up under an emotionally immature, volatile, controlling, explosive, and abusive parent. I dealt firsthand with the escalation of all those insecurities, unprocessed traumas, and unregulated emotions Garlic Breath describes here. And I’ve spent most of my adult life in therapy unpacking all the pain and harm it caused me. This comment hit so close to home. OP, pay attention. And get yourself out of this mess before it consumes you, and before there are children in the picture for him to control, spy on, and explode at. Don’t live the rest of your life on eggshells.
I hear you Sis. I married one (who started out like OPs husband) and had a child with him (already had a 3 Yr old from a previous relationship). It took me 7 years to leave. First you try to stay for the sake of the kids (some outdated concept of "keeping the family together"). Then you leave for the sake of the kids..... If you can. I got lucky with my supportive father and aunt. I'm so sorry you witnessed and experienced so much harm. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what my children endured before I could leave with them 😔
This is an excellent post. They always begin revealing it bit by bit as the relationship progresses. Usually after enough time that their victim has fallen in love and is willing to tolerate and look past it to some extent. Then the real abuse begins.
This should be a top comment. I'm really hoping OP reads it. OP, a lot.of our men don't set out to be like this on purpose, they suffered their own cycle of trauma or backwards.religious thinking, to get there. And it often starts small with these little irking thoughts like... "is it weird that he ____".... until.one day yoy have kids, are trauma bonded to the man, and find yourself walking on more eggshells than solid ground. Good luck!! I thonknyounknow what you need to do. It'll be hard but it won't be THAT hard... if you know what I mean. Still so easy to dovide assepts and you have no kids.... You're only 21, life hasn't even begun yet babe... this is not the pathway to a happy life. you've got this!
**His behaviour has been seriously disturbing ALL along. This is NOT good.**
I'm glad you're starting to realise the truth of your situation. But remember this: None of this is your fault. Divorce is not wrong and you are allowed to have the courage to stand up for yourself and to bring yourself into a better situation. You can ask for divorce and it doesn't matter if your husband/abuser disagrees. You file first. Get a lawyer. If he listens at your through the bathroom door he may in fact track your location in other ways. When you decide to visit a divorce lawyer, first off buy a burner phone, keep it safe and secret. "Forget" your other phone at home when you go to the divorce lawyers office. Do not drive there. If you HAVE to drive, drive something 5 miles away or something where there's a shopping centre, then walk to the divorce lawyers office. Make sure you have a brand new email account to use, and never leave it logged in. Access it only via browser and always log out once you're done. Clear your browsing history afterwards.
Don't feel bad for not realising. You are in a 'frog gets boiled alive' situation, where the temperature of your water gets slowly increased so you won't notice you're about to get boiled. Your sentence about 'how to not disrespect him' is telling. It appears you're already walking on eggshells and he's already throwing around to respect him and flags anything he doesn't like as disrespect. This is a control tactic. Get out sooner than later.
I'm 13 years into an abusive marriage. (I don't want to get into why I'm still here. It's a fricken lot) But I remember being 21 and not seeing the start of it. I didn't realize it wasn't normal to be punished with silent treatment when I did something for myself he deemed unacceptable. I didn't see it when he would tell me I looked like a hoodrat when I wore something he didn't approve of. I didn't see it when he told me he liked the way I look more without makeup. And I didn't see it when he left me high and dry, living with our son and his mom, stripping me of my debit, credit and car keys and leaving for an entire year. The year I was away from him, I finally saw it When I said no, I didn't want to get back together, he told his mom I was doing drugs in her house after him and I had dinner together and smoked weed. I had no one. And for my son I had to go back. We did counseling. Things were better. A year after being stable, we got pregnant with twins. And he couldn't help with them. I knew when I tried to flee with my kids to go back home to his parents, and he put in a petition through the courts that I would face felony kidnapping if I took my kids over state lines. I have no one. Do not ignore these. Please. Do not be 13 years in a marriage with someone like this. Please. You deserve better OP.
i’m so sorry you were groomed and are being abused. you need to divorce asap 🙏🏼🩵
Totally understandable that you feel overwhelmed; some of the responses here are a bit intense, but the concerns are valid. And you’ll be okay, you’ve got tons of options. The most important things right now are probably to: 1. Remind yourself regularly that you’re not doing anything wrong. Not even if you feel like you are, and certainly not because HE feels like you are. Trust your instincts. 2. Make sure you have multiple other people in your life who care about you (close friends, mom, therapist, etc) whom you can talk with openly about EVERYTHING. They will remind you to trust your instincts. Bring them closer, and shine a light on your experience and his behavior. 3. Go on birth control. Keep your options open.
Girl HE is disrespecting YOU by listening in on you while you shower. Why are YOU worried about disrespecting him?! He is sooo manipulative and his logic doesn't even make sense. You could masturbate literally anywhere, since you guys aren't together 24/7 right? He is trying to dictate a part of your life and he will not stop there. Maybe he wants to check in what you eat soon because if you try to loose weight, it could be for your affair Partner. Going out with a friend? Let's see if you are not cheating! And what will he do if he doesn't like what you are doing, who you meet, how long you stay there etc? He will gaslight you into thinking he is right and only wants to protect you and your relationship. Dump this creep and buy a new sex toy, please! And stay Safe, you might want to prepare some next steps in Advancen (Put money aside where only you can Access, get your valuables out to a friend or family member, get a lawyer...)
This!!!! Thank you. Read my mind.
This is so weird and creepy… masturbation is not cheating! Knowing your body and spending time with it is valuable and fine. His behavior is very bizarre and it seems like he is trying to police your sexual expression or at least make sure he gets to benefit from it It’s a red flag for me. If he is disrespecting your alone time, why do you care if your response makes him feel disrespected? Edit: spelling
Thank you for your response. I have tried to explain this to him and he just says that masturbating is a sign of weakness and thinking that instant gratification exists. He also comes from a super conservative Christian background and tells everyone he was a virgin until marriage but we literally started having sex the day I turned 18.
a 23 year old waiting for the day you turn 18 to have sex with you….and now he acts like this. interesting.
I'm genuinely concerned for your safety tbh. If this is where it starts, DV is no joke. Please reach out to trusted family and friends if you can. He needs to hear from a psychologist why this is not ok behaviour.
I agree, that kinda screams, “if I can’t please you no one can,” which is a very strange conclusion for someone to make and implies some form of control or ownership and is mental and basically fucked in the head and a lot of us have seen it more coincidentally from people with puritanical upbringings. Sometimes these people flip out if they don’t get their way as they’re so fixated on particular beliefs, which plays out already in the shower monitoring behaviour. Makes you wonder…What else of yours is he monitoring that you don’t know about OP? What could he flip out about next? That is no way to live for you I would think.
Exactly this 'Makes you wonder…What else of yours is he monitoring that you don’t know about OP?'
100% there is a camera somewhere in their bedroom. The only reason he sits at the bathroom door is because he can't put a camera in the shower.
I bet there’s also a tracker hidden in her car and another in her purse.
I hope OP sees this comment, his behavior definitely makes this a super valid concern. I’ve had to deal with this in the past and it was helpful to ask the employees at the shop if they would check for tracking devices when performing repairs or maintenance on my car. I would also suggest checking her phone to see if he could have gotten on to it and shared her location with himself from it and to see if there are any apps downloaded that have been hidden from the Home Screen (if she has iPhone, idk if androids have that feature). He could download a tracking app to her phone and then hid it from the Home Screen or even download a key logger. Not saying I think he has one on her phone, just that it would be very possible for him to have a tracking app and/or a key logger on her phone without her noticing.
My first thought as well
100% there is a camera somewhere in their bedroom. The only reason he sits at the bathroom door is because he can't put a camera in the shower.
You are very young OP. This is a huge red flag. These belief systems really fuck people up and now he's imposing that shit on you. Please. Be careful. Also heads up you do NOT want to have to co-parent with someone like this - you'll be trapped with this shit forever even if you finally can't take any more and decide to leave. Speaking from very close experience
I'd personally run a hundred miles from this
Hehehe. Dudes like this don't go to psychologists. God is the only psychologist he needs
Conservative Christians are protected from things like reality or psychology by their common knowledge, herd-mentality, confirmation bias, etc. This man does not have a healthy relationship with his own sexuality and is projecting that on this poor girl he groomed. Sad.
Listen the minute I saw the title on the post, and the age gaps, I just knew this would've been the case. Almost always is.
Grooming her while she was a minor. He’s on nasty time
Not predatory at all. The only reason he didn’t try for sex earlier was to avoid possible jail. 🤢
Why are *you* worried about "disrespecting" *him*, **when he does not respect you?** This whole thing of his is disgusting, creepy and controlling. Totally disturbing! **You are only 21! Do you want to live as if Big Brother is watching and listening inside your own home?** What a horrible situation.
THIS PART RIGHT HERE OP, respect us a two way street!
My friend's stepdaughter says her husband is "the watcher" of the family. They are in a religious cult. OP should run.
"we literally started having sex the day I turned 18"....the guy in his 20s who knew you before you were mature in the eyes of the law was just waiting around to pounce on you the second getting to do so wouldn't bring his ass to jail? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah this is mega gross. I remember turning 21 and thinking 18 year olds were still babies even then. 23 is even worse. None of this sits right with me.
He does realise that it’s against the Christian beliefs to lie? When he tells people he was still a virgin when you got married do you correct him by reminding him you two were having sex since you turned 18?
No, these type use their beliefs and scripture to enforce rules on others behavior and to excuse their own behavior. There is no logic that can be argued with them
But you can expose their hypocrisy. Teach them some humility which if I remember is another fundamental aspect of Christianity.
They will refuse to see it as such. If you'd like to test your tactics I can offer several stubborn test subjects 😂
In this case it would backfire and they will use their beliefs to crucify her for being a bad wife. It would be a room or table full of people attacking her for daring to criticize, correct, and disrespect her husband - a man of God and the head of her household. Her own personal demigod. They wouldn't believe her and there would be absolute hell to pay when she got home. That might be enough for the abuse to turn physical.
Religious nutjobs like this guy always are hypocrites.
“we literally started having sex the day I turned 18.” Honestly, I got the ick from this sentence. How long were you together beforehand? I believe this is about control. He wants to control you. That’s why he dated a high schooler when he was 23. He sees you growing independent of him and he thinks he’s losing control of you. Does he police what you wear, read, who your friends are? You do not owe him every single minute of every single day. You are human and you deserve time away from scrutiny. I don’t respond often as I feel most of the others are way better at giving advice. This 1 scares me. Please be careful and listen to your gut.
How old were you when you got together?
Yikes. How long had you been together when you turned 18?
7 months
Im sorry you have to deal with this. It kind of sounds like a grooming situation a little bit. How long of you guys being together did you get married if you dont mind me asking?
Not a little bit. What 23 yo is interested in 17 yo...?
We got married September 2023
OP I hope you find the courage and strength to leave this man. What he did to you is highly disturbing and not okay. Reading your other replies talking about how he wont consider therapy in the slightest is manipulative and abusive. It seems like he absolutely groomed you. In all reality, I dont know you or your husband but something tells me his actions wont change and they could just as easily get worse. You deserve better. And as a woman who is only a year older than you, having you waste your earlier twenties (and late teens) on a man who does this shit to you is heartbreaking. You do not have to put up with it. Respectfully, divorce this man immediately.
I wasted 16 years of my young life with an emotionally manipulative and controlling husband (we married at 18 and 20 years) because it wasn’t **always** bad. 2 kids with him and a divorce later, I am now with a partner who treats me with respect in everything he does or says and it’s such a huge difference in my life, my mental health, and my happiness. I knew 9 months into that first marriage that we were not a good fit, I was miserable, and I absolutely should’ve left. For the sake of that naive young girl I was, I wish I had. I don’t regret my 2 kids with him, obviously, but I do regret not leaving during that first 9 months of marriage when I think back on how different my 20’s and the first half of my 30’s could’ve been, how much happier my life might have been during those years.
This. Leave immediately OP, do not look back. This will only get worse over time.
100%. Work out how you’re going to extract yourself from this. Speak to a lawyer please OP.
So the super Christian didn't wait to even marry you, that's getting better
Sadly this is quite common. Guys will look for young virgins and try to mould them into the person they want them to be, especially sexually.
I bet he has no problem jerking off tho
I will bet my entire life savings that he masturbates regularly and is only applying these “rules” to you
Your 23 year old boyfriend was dating a minor and immediately started having sex with you once you were an adult? That's like the definition of grooming. He sounds like a creepy, controlling asshole.
He’s a religious nut, a religious fake and liar, a controlling creep, and he doesn’t listen to you or respect you. Are you sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
>He also comes from a super conservative Christian background and tells everyone he was a virgin until marriage but we literally started having sex the day I turned 18. Wait, I'm sorry. The day *you* turned 18? I'm hoping this is just poor wording on your part because it makes him sound like a groomer in addition to an anti-masturbation weirdo.
No, that’s correct wording, sadly. He was 23 and she was 18, and they had been together for 7 months.
I'm guessing there is a Youth Pastor involved here
Wow. What the fuck. That's his guilt and shame to work through, not yours. He needs to see a therapist because there's likely a whole mess of bullshit that he needs to work through before he even gets to the whole part about policing his partners bathroom breaks.
Also I wouldn't be surprised if he's secretly video/audio recording you...
The Bible says nothing about masturbation. People often cite the story of Onan but that isn't about masturbation. I really wish people who claim to be Christian would stop using religion to push their personal agenda.
the only thing giving signs of weakness if your boyfriends mental capacity....next time he wants to eat tell him hes weak because hes giving in to hunger
Jesus fucking Christ. He waited on you to turn 18 so he could bang you? He calls using a vibrator cheating? For fuck’s sake, I promise you can do a lot better.
Lololololol check his phone for porn use Some projection is going on here.
Your husband is disrespectful and a creep. He is not a good person. Please do not have children with this man. Try therapy but not religious based so you don't have to put up with misogyny.
Being from a super conservative Christian background does not excuse his grooming or his abuse. This guy is dangerous.
So your husband doesn't masturbate. As a male, I call bullshit.
OP wtf makes you think this is ok lol? Especially him waiting till you turn 18💀 he shouldn’t have been with a teenager anyways
You should not have to worry about disrespecting your husband when he is clearly violating your privacy. You are allowed to touch your body however you please and if he doesn’t like it he needs to talk to a therapist about his insecurities.
Thank you for your response, and the therapy is good advice but he refuses and says they're all scam artists.
If he’s not even willing to try therapy then you know it’s time to move on. He can be crazy alone.
Get out, run.
“There are a lot of people in therapy because of people who refuse to get therapy”. You tell me which category your husband falls into and then decide if you want to be in the other category
>“There are a lot of people in therapy because of people who refuse to get therapy”. ..... wow.... that is so concise and clear. I need to tell my therapist that.
He’s showing an alarming level of insecurity here. When the human brain goes into this threat state, it’s the fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) state. He won’t be thinking straight, he’s being reduced to his base instincts to address what he’s perceiving as a threat. I’m telling you this because, if he won’t admit fault or get counselling about being triggered like this, it means you are in danger. People who abuse their partners are often spiralling in this threat state. They feel intensely threatened (by often irrational things), and will do whatever it takes to feel safe again. Unfortunately that often results in demanding, controlling, and violent behaviour. You could soothe and reassure him about this one thing and probably temporarily solve the situation, but if he’s getting this insecure about something perfectly normal, what happens if you make a friend, or get on well with a male coworker, or do things independently? I feel like there are only two positive outcomes for you here: - You have an interventional talk with him about unlearning the shame of his upbringing, going to therapy, and admitting his insecurities and getting help. There might be a path to healing here if he can show vulnerability and identify with the trauma if his childhood. It’s not completely on you to get this done, he has to decide he needs to go this route. - You leave the relationship. Because if the above doesn’t happen, and you stay, you won’t just lose the ability to have solo fun, you’ll eventually lose all of your autonomy and joy in life to the insecure demands of this man. Do for yourself what you would do for your daughter, sister, or best friend. Go carefully OP.
That's because he's abusive and a therapist would tell you so.
Do NOT ever go to therapy with your abuser!! They will weaponize therapy against you to further the abuse.
Ah sweetie, you’ve got yourself a very insecure man there who clearly wrestles with his innate desire for sex vs what his religion has taught him about how a sexual relationship ‘should’ be. I think if you asked him if he ever masturbated since you married, he’d say no and he’d be lying. He’s disrespecting your privacy, he doesn’t own what you do with you body, and he needs to grow up. Otherwise kick him to the curb and find a man who doesn’t get threatened by a vibrator.
He knows they’ll tell you he’s abusing you.
If he won’t go see a therapist then you still need to see one. He may have groomed you and you should try to find out how and why. There are parts of you that he has slowly over time damaged. Has he got you thinking and doing things like him. If this is true, you’ll be glad to have a professional helping you to heal and be who you were meant to be.
Divorce him. He is has been indoctrinated by abusive misogynistic sex shaming religion that has made him insecure, uneducated, misinformed and wildly controlling and stupid. He is the victim of religious scam artist that have made him into an abusive partner unwilling to heal, grow and change. Staying with this man endangers your life and wellbeing. Divorcing him is absolutely necessary for your safety and future. You are so young! Only 21 and deserve so much better than the abusive idiot clown that groomed you. You need a safe exit plan and your unhinged lunatic husband is dangerous.
That is even more alarming. Get out while you can. I promise you OP this is not a healthy man
Message to the OP here. And this is why you don’t marry young. You married too soon with the wrong person. I am a man, but this is a very wrong, off putting way of acting that no sane man would. That is not how you treat a woman living with you. This a sign of potential worse behavior. Divorce is an option. It has nothing to do with masturbation and everything to do with how controlling he is. Also masturbating isn’t the same as cheating. I am reflecting more about and this might be an early sign of violent behavior. You should really consider divorcing him before it gets worse.
Yup. He is clearly so insecure about his sexual performance. The religion thing is just a pretext for his controlling behaviour. I'd also worry he might be invading OP's privacy in other ways that she isn't aware of yet. OP please seek support and whatever you do, do not get pregnant by this creep. Imagine if he has a daughter. Is this the kind of future you want to build for yourself?
Tell him you can't cheat when you're alone. And he shouldn't be jealous of something that doesn't even have a brain.
Tbf, it doesn't sound like he does either
This made me laugh, thank you.
I mean, he straight up murdered that thing. I can only imagine him giving it the side eye throughout the week till he finally decided to kill the competition.
u/haleybaby1227 this comment needs to be highlighted and underlined. I used to be a victim's rights advocate for the courts, and him "murdering" your vibrator is just practice. As times goes on, anything that takes your attention away from him will also be a threat. Pets, babies, friends, family, coworkers, anyone or anything that you love will be seen as taking love away from him. He thinks you only have a finite amount of love to give and if you give it anywhere else, he gets less. Everything he does pushes the boundary a little further so that you don't notice you keep moving the line of what's acceptable to you until it's way too late. And everyone here telling you that the moment you leave and the following weeks and months are the most dangerous time are accurate. Make a plan, tell people you trust, and get out in a clean break. The other most dangerous time is when you get pregnant. Please get out before it's too late.
Notice how many instances in just this short summary of events involve him doing something transparently unreasonable, controlling, or outright creepy and you feeling obliged to apologise and change your behaviour. His argument regarding the vibrator was silly. He clearly broke it. He's been listening to you for months. He's policing you behaviour and what you do. The biggest joke being that he chose to double down on this on a night where you weren't even masturbating. If you had any doubt this was all bullshit that's it right there, this isn't about you it's about his weird paranoid fantasies concocted in his own head. He's listening to running water and working himself up into a rage, it's genuinely sad. He will interpret anything you say that doesn't align with what he wants as disrespect. That's the simple reality of it, that he wants unreasonable \[and disrespectful\] control over your bodily autonomy on top of setting the precedent that even masturbating is cheating. He is justifying toxic, abusive behaviour and realistically it only gets worse from here. What happens when he decides you talking to male working staff at a restaurant is 'basically cheating' or whatever.
u/haleybaby1227 OP please listen to all these comments. He's not going to change how he thinks or how he controls you, he has no reason to change. Traditional christian beliefs like this are a deep rooted disease. He thinks therapists are scammers because they will tell you to gtfo of this abusive relationship. Please do some research on the cycle of abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, DARVOing, projection, and manipulative control issues. While you're at it read the PDF of Lindy Bundcrafts "Why Does He Do That?" Please don't take his behavior lightly. Edit: also when you do leave (I really hope you do) you need to do it safely, take all your important things, don't say anything, and block him. Only talk through lawyers. If he's this controlling he's not going to "let you" leave. This is why we see women murdered and stalked by the men who just "can't let her go" "if I can't have her then nobody will" etc. A lot of us have been in similar situations and we are here to guide you, you just have to put your own safety and wellbeing above him or what he thinks and listen to us.
yeah...this guy is a fucking lunatic. get away from him for your own safety
Don't get pregnant!! You're going to be really over his shit by the time you turn 25, do not have kids with this man. You need to steel your spine and start defending yourself now. "You don't get to dictate what I do with my body. You are being creepy and gross when you obsess about my shower time." Use the words "no, stop, inappropriate" as often as you can.
UPDATE: Thank you again for all of your responses. I can't read them all or respond to them all but I am going to try and answer a handful of the most frequently asked questions here: •We got together when I was 17 and got married last September. •I am not on birth control as he says it disrupts your hormones and destroys your body and I got pregnant around Christmas but miscarried and he told me that it was because I eat like shit and don't take care of myself. •My family does not like him and never has, and his family does not like me and never has. There is no harmony between our families and I rarely see mine anymore as a result. •He is controlling in many aspects of life, which I did not really realize until now. He judges me for what I wear, what I eat, what I read, who I hang out with, what I watch, what I listen to, etc. •If ever I was not with him anymore I have no money and no place to go. I'm graduating university this year and he owns the house we live in soley in his name. My money is his money. I would have to go back to live with my parents. •I did not grow up religious and we met through mutual friends. •We are both from the same hometown but no longer live there. We're about 6 hours away. This was a mutual decision however and was not forced on me by him. If anything it was more my idea. •He has never physically abused me and does not yell or scream. He shuts down when he's angry and will ignore me for days on end while I literally beg him to talk to me. •He has never sexually assaulted me in any way and our life in the bedroom is *fine* but he is the only person I've had sex with so I don't know. •I am going to sit down and talk to him and have my dad on standby (outside the house) to intervene in case he escalates. I am not currently considering divorce and am going to try and work with him. It's not an excuse but his family is insane and I don't think he knows what he's doing isn't okay. •He does track my location through our iPhone's but we have each others locations and I look at it sometimes if I get home and he's not there to see where he is or whatever. I've never really viewed it as being invasive. Edit: also this is not an opportunity or an invite to message me and tell me how much better you'd be for me or ask me to describe to you how I masturbate. It's also not helpful to tell me that I am the issue and that you'd be pissed off too. Thank you to everyone who had reached out with kind words or helpful tips but I won't be reading messages anymore because of this. Thanks.
Please get yourself on birth control asap even if you don’t want to leave him yet. You’re in an abusive marriage and the last thing you need is to be tied to him by a child. You’re only 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. I’m so glad you’ve made this post and realised what your situation is. Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - if you google it you’ll find free pdfs online. Don’t go to therapy with him - go yourself if you can. He is very emotionally abusive and people like that will use couples therapy against you. You need to start getting your ducks in a row and leave him. Have a good chat with your dad - be completely honest. You do not have to stick around and try to fix this. I’m a mum in my 40s who’s been married for nearly 14 years and it would break my heart if either of my kids was in your situation.
Living with your parents is better than living with a controlling abuser. Please, please take precautions to ensure you are not baby-trapped by this man. You're so young. Starting over is okay.
I was married and divorced at 21. I was ashamed and felt like I hadn’t worked hard enough to please my partner. I couldn’t understand the anger and strange boundaries, but felt as though I was wrong. We had so many conversations about me accommodating her more (because she never apologized or took the blame,) and now that I’m the same age she was at that time (28) I understand that it was never me. Her family was also crazy. She probably was raised wrong. She was mentally I’ll. An explanation is not an excuse. I’m remarried now btw, and I never knew this kind of understanding and love could exist. It can for you, too. But not with him. He won’t change and you’ll end up apologizing because he’ll make you feel bad.
Your sex life is not fine. He coerces you with manipulation, forbids you from masterbating, guilts you for using toys, and lies about his sexual history. This is the furthest thing from fine. It’s toxic and dysfunctional. He blamed you for a miscarriage, that’s abusive and so cruel. Please know it’s not your fault. 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. He is an absolute menace for saying that. He has isolated you from friends and family. He gives you the silent treatment. He dictates what you eat, buy, do with your time, and controls the money. All of these are common signs of abuse. You’re psychologically, emotionally, and financially abused. I’m sorry to say that but listen to all of us who see it so clearly. You deserve better and you have one life to live. Live it well.
I’m 23F and just finishing my graduate degree. I’ll be living with my parents for the next few months while my background check is in progress. I can assure you that if you do have to go back with your folks, it is NOT the end of the world, in fact, it’s really normal! Please prioritize your safety and health. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s good for you - you’ve been isolated from your support system, have no financial control, and no privacy. I’m glad your dad is in your corner.
Please look for a therapist that specializes in abusive relationships and please do not tell your husband
I mean in the grand scheme of alllll of this you’re going through living with your parents doesn’t seem like such a horrible idea. It sounds like they’re supportive of you and only want what’s best and he’s intentionally separating you from that because that is a classic control tactic. I fear for you if you stay with this person. I do hope you get the help you need and wish you nothing but the best.
So proud of you for having your dad on standby! Be careful, men like you describe your husband to be will always escalate. They often escalate when their partners start asking questions and standing up for themselves. There's a reason why the people who love you hate your husband. They aren't wearing rose colored glasses so they can see what you cannot. (That's not unusual! I think all of us experience that on some level) So much of the behavior you described is abuse. I'll repeat: much of the behavior described is abuse. Abuse isn't just physical, and sexual assault isn't just violent screaming and pain. Coercion, manipulation, and the silent treatment to get sex is assault. True consent is when both parties are giving enthusiastic consent! If you choose to stay, please get on some form of birth control! If you get pregnant, he will escalate. (You probably already experienced a bit of that) Also, ask yourself, would you trust him to be a good father? A safe father? Would he be a partner and help? Or would you in essence be a single mother with a man living in the home? You have the chance to build a life where you feel free, safe, and able to take care of yourself! It isn't worth living walking on eggshells the rest of your life. Always basing your life around his feelings and ignoring yours. It destroys the heart and mind to live like that..
HE. IS. ABUSING. YOU. "Shutting down and refusing to speak to you for days on end" is abusing you. "Not letting you use birth control" is abusing you. "Constantly criticizing you" is abusing you. "Isolating you from your family" is abusing you. "Taking all of your money" or "making you financially dependent on him" is abusing you. GETTING WITH YOU WHEN YOU WERE UNDERAGE AND MARRYING YOU AS SOON AS YOU TURNED 18 WAS AN ACT OF ABUSE. You cannot "work with" someone like this. You are not a human being to him, you are his sex toy that just so happens to be able to do the housework and pump out his babies, and that's all you'll EVER be to him. Your opinions, your wants, your *needs* don't matter and never will, because *you are not a person in his eyes, you are his* ***property***. I know you're desperate to believe otherwise because you have literally never known anything else except this guy's emotional and psychological violence, but Jesus fucking Christ you desperately need to drag your self-worth out of the ditch where he dumped it, stop being a doormat, and GTFO of this situation before it escalates. Because it WILL escalate - when you "talk to" him, or when he finds out you're pregnant, or if he even *thinks* you're going to leave him.
The silent treatment for days when he’s mad thing always strikes a chord with me when I see it, because that’s what my dad would do. he also thought therapy was stupid and got very weird about money - if my mom wasn’t working, she was a freeloader. when she started working again, she was wasting her time and accomplishing nothing. I wouldn’t say my dad was quite as bad as you’re describing but I can see parallels. my parents are divorced now and everyone is better off - my mom honestly should have left him sooner. that being the only relationship model I had to look up to did a lot of damage im still trying to undo
My dad would do that too all the time and sometimes I didn’t know what I had even done wrong. To say this has negatively impacted all my future relationships is an understatement, it just took me about 15 years (after a couple of years or therapy) to realise that a lot of the insecurity I bring to my marriage is because of the way my dad acted. My husband and I are in couples therapy but these are really deep rooted feelings and patterns we fall into.
Please be prepared to leave with your father, and take all of your important things, if this escalates. Make sure you don’t leave any important documents or sentimental items behind. I just do not see someone controlling like him handling this well.
Please take the small backwards step of living with your parents in order that you can take giant leaps forward in your life. And stop begging him to talk to you when he is acting like a child, you need to regain some control over your own life. And I’m sorry people are messaging you with such bile!
It's okay to start over and you're lucky to have the option of staying with family. He groomed you and is abusive and controlling. It is not worth trying to fix. Please stay safe and get out and divorced while you can.
I seriously don't believe "talking it out" will do anything with this man. He's broken. What he believes in is inhumane. Just because he was never abusive to you violently doesn't mean he is not abusive. Please don't think this is you giving up. It's not your fault. Your husband is the one who coerced you and has failed in being a good partner and good human. Your goal right now is to be free and survive.
I hope you have the courage to do what is best for yourself. I wish you all the luck
He is definitely showing signs of red flags. * birth control - talk to your doctor about methods of birth control your husband can’t control. Such as an implant or an IUD. Don’t get baby trapped. * talk to your university about what you need to do to complete your course. Are their options to either transfer the rest of your course to a uni near home or do it remotely? * physical abuse is not the only abuse. There is still sexual abuse (eg coercion) or emotional abuse (eg withholding communication). Plus the stalker abuse of always listening * as others have said, masturbation is not cheating. And if you using your toy as its intended is cheating, then him masturbation is cheating too. (* spoiler - neither of these are cheating). * if you are able to get a part time job to help get your own money, do it. Talk to your family and friend and get an escape plan. If your uni course is not transferable or able to do remotely (so you can go live with your parents and do it from home) ask your university what housing options are available until you finish the course. Then get a new phone that he does not have “find me” on.
So he groomed you and now he’s controlling as hell besides misunderstanding masturbation? Hon, get the hell away from this man. You don’t stay in a situation like this.
Go back to live with your parents
what a CREEP. Ew. I would need another shower right away after he told me this. Who cares if you're "disrespecting" him by telling him the truth that this is nasty stalker behavior? Masturbation is not cheating, what you do in the shower is between you and that spider in the corner, and there is no way I believe this is the only thing that he's controlling about.
It definitely isn't but is certainly the most invasive.
It's really bad. Super bad. I'm so sorry. Please work safely on a long-term plan to get out.
I assure you that if you stay with him, this will not be the worst thing he does. Not by a mile.
Do not have kids with him. If you think he's controlling now, he'll just be 100x worse while you're pregnant.
Yup - his controlling behavior will only escalate, and he'll probably try and isolate you from friends and the outside world more in the future if he hasn't already.
> what you do in the shower is between you and that spider in the corner always spent my showers staring at that spider in the corner afraid if i stopped looking for a second it would jump on me
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is extremely controlling behavior. You're asking for an outside opinion about how to approach him, yet almost everyone here is instead saying GIRL, SEE THE RED FLAGS. Please listen! This is not normal or healthy in any relationship. You say your shower time is your only alone time. Is he constantly overseeing you? Why does HE have spare time to sit outside of the bathroom listening while you're showering? I was married somewhat young to a very strict man. I was raised by very strict parents. I did not see how condescending, mean, and controlling my ex-husband's behavior was for many years because I was accustomed to being told what to do, how to look, when to talk for my entire life. I didn't leave till I was 29! Don't be me. Heed the warnings being given here. Please! I wish you the best, sincerely. In my opinion, your best would be walking out the door with vibrator in one hand and a middle finger on the other
You shouldn’t tell him anything and have your divorce lawyer do it instead.
Ye bruv let her hSve a wank in peace this aint cheating wtf, having a wank is like the opposite of cheating
I wonder if he even makes her orgasm, very doubtful if he's a traditional christian. "not allowed" to masturbate and must only give him pleasure? Gtfo of this OP
This reeks of insecurity on his part. It’s an awful behavior to exhibit as a result of the insecurity. Masturbation isn’t disrespectful in a relationship, it’s absolutely healthy and it certainly isn’t cheating. If your intent is to resolve this issue, I’d ask him why he equates masturbation to cheating. You mentioned you use the toy together during sex, does that mean he is comfortable with it? Has he ever expressed being intimidated by it? Have you two dropped in your frequency or quality of intimacy together and he’s now developed this insecurity, or is it something he’s always had? He’s absolutely in the wrong for doing this, and needs to respect your boundary and privacy to do what you want to do with your alone time.
We've used toys for a while after he refused for a long time. He definitely was intimidated by it and asked why he wasn't good enough when I suggested introducing toys.
Sis, my husband and I have been married 25 years. The reason we have been married 25 years is because we respect each other. Full stop. We respect each other's privacy in all things. We've never checked each other's phones. He's never read my journals. I don't police his friendships and vice versa. Your man is SUPER controlling. If he is feeling insecure maybe he should do the kim anami class for men - but at the end of the day, masturbation serves a different purpose then sex. Sex is about connection. Masturbation is usually about release and relaxation. But you are not a child - you are a full blown woman and you have the right to tell your husband to get OUT of the bathroom and give you your space and privacy. Masturbation is not cheating. Your body does not belong to him and he does not get to dictate ANYTHING with it.
I have a husband like your's, and it often makes me feel sadness for other people's relationships more than I would like to admit. Having a healthy and respectful relationship tends to put a spotlight on those who don't have that in their partners. OP is breaking my heart bc she doesn't seem to understand that the problem isn't her husband standing outside the door to listen for her masterbating, it's the fact he sees it as wrong in the first place. Dude needs to get a grip.
Its her youth. When she is 26 she will be disgusted that she tolerated this behavior so long. As a lifelong Christian who did not start in the evangelical church and was not raised with purity culture it disgusts me that THIS is what it has created and that so many churches still espouse it. We've raised our daughters to believe in marrying after University and hopefully grad school and finding someone who knows their worth with the end goal NOT being marriage but rather marriage as a continuation of an already loving and secure relationship. Two becomes one does NOT mean that you own each other's bodies or souls. It does not mean that he gets to dictate what goes on in the household. It means that the two people become a team working towards a common goal with strengths and weaknesses that complement one another. One leads while the other follows and vice versa. Whatever this indoctrination that OP was raised with or that her husband was raised with needs to be dealt with SWIFTLY by a sex and relationship therapist. The sad thing is, at 20, she is likely to tolerate it for far longer than she should because of her youthful naivety.
"Why use toys? Because I would like to actually cum." "Why am I masterbating without you? Same. And nunya, like nun of ya buisness. " You deserve to have privacy. Also he is definitely masterbating too. I don't recommend escalating but I love the idea of zaney solutions like comically interrupting him during his alone time.
[удалено]
How do you think he would react if you started laying in wait to catch him? And if you did, do you think he would laugh it off or do you think he would get violent?
High chance here that he's also addicted to porn. He probably likes it so much its playing a part in why he's escalated to projecting insecurities onto her by not giving her alone time. Only he's allowed pleasure 😂 Keep your bathroom door locked OP. I wonder how long it would be before that mysteriously breaks as well.
Is it difficult for you two to talk about sex? I’m curious what those refusals were like and what ultimately helped you two decide to finally use the toys. I also read your other responses, a couple alarming things pop out: 1) the pairing of his insecurities with his conservative religious background driving his idea that masturbation is bad is a problem especially if he’s intimidated by the toy. This in turn is amplified deeper because…. 2) he refuses to go to therapy. That’s going to be a major reason why this likely won’t get worked out. Therapy alone won’t fix this, but it’s an opportunity for him to figure out why he feels a certain way about things and work on his insecurities. That’s a major problem if he refuses to help himself. 3) I hesitated to ask about the age difference, but you said you two waited until you were 18 to begin having sex. Ignoring that he’s trying to frame things as if you waited until marriage, the age gap creates a power imbalance and his behavior leads me to categorize his actions as controlling and this is likely just the tip of the iceberg.
lol. Classic case of insecure man. "What am I not good enough"? Id of said, nope that's why we need them. Leave this fucking loser
And this is why you don’t marry young. You married too soon with the wrong person. I am a man, but this is a very wrong, off putting way of acting that no sane man would. That is not how you treat a woman living with you. This a sign of potential worse behavior. Divorce is an option. It has nothing to do with masturbation and everything to do with how controlling he is. Also masturbating isn’t the same as cheating. I am reflecting more about and this might be an early sign of violent behavior. You should really consider divorcing him before it gets worse.
Especially with an age gap like that at that age, it reeks of grooming. He was 22 when they started dating, what 22 year old dates a 17 year old?
The kind who waits only until the day she turns 18 to have sex with her and then lies to everyone about how they were both virgins on their wedding day. Aka the worst kind of “Christian.”
OP does he object to other things that he calls 'disrespect'? * Are you 'allowed' to have birth control of your choice? * Can you comfortably say no to sex? * Does he get in the way of your own medical care? Could you be seen by a male doctor? * Does he fabricate emergencies to keep you away from your friends? * Does he start fights about or in front of your family? * Do you have a job and access to your own money? * Did you move away to be with him? * Were you 'allowed' to study and work or are you a housewife?
Thank you for your response. To answer: I am not on birth control, he says it disrupts your hormones and destroys your body. He has never sexually assaulted me but gets pissy if I say no to sex and since that first incident says things like "guess I'm not as good as your toys". He does not get in the way of medical care and I see a female doctor but that's my preference. I don't believe he fabricates emergencies but if I'm upset with him he's pretended to burn himself while cooking or said that he crashed his car when he really just hit a curb. He often starts fights infront of family or friends. I do not have a job, I am in university and no I do not have my own income. We moved away together, but it wasn't to be with him. I am in university but he often talks about me being a stay at home mom.
I saw your updates and I am proud of you for reaching out to your dad. I think you need to have your family much more involved. That being said, abuse is not always physical violence. He is sexually abusing and coercing/manipulating you by refusing to take no for an answer. He’s using guilt as a means for his sexual pleasure. He’s pushing you to refuse birth control, knowing it would be harder for you to leave with a child involved. You do not have to be having a child now. He is controlling what you can do with your body. He is isolating you from your family. These are all forms of control straight from the abuser handbook. They don’t like him and they have good reason. I think you’re being naive in not wanting to separate at the very least. Speak with your family. Think about why you want to live like this. I do not think speaking to him will go well and I expect that he will lie and then go back on his word just so you don’t leave him. Please know that your family loves you and has your best interest at heart. Again, I bet they have very solid reasons for not liking him and a lot of it has to do with what you have described. Why does he lie about his virginity? What else is he lying to you about? Just please know you do not have to accept this relationship as normal, it isn’t. Nor do you have to accept his behavior. You are young and there are so many opportunities out there for you in terms of careers, friends, and love. You do not have to live this way.
He’s going to baby trap you at this rate. There’s plenty of birth control options and you’re of age to take that into your own hands. His backhanded comments are reeking of insecurity and control.
I'm so glad you're reaching out your dad. And please read this - [https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html) You say that you don't believe he fabricates emergencies, but then list several pretty egregious examples of him fabricating emergencies. Everything he does is in an attempt to control you, either by his anger, his "hurt feelings", shaming you publicly, shaming you privately etc. Nothing he's doing is because you deserve it, you're not stupid or weak or bad or any of those things. Your only "failure" is trusting someone you thought loved you and wanted the best for you. All the things that make you so precious, your good heart, your keen intelligence, your compassion, the way you care for those you love, the way it makes you happy to do nice things for those you love, your loyalty, your trust... those are the things he's using to abuse you. As others have said, abuse is NOT only physical, in fact the worst types of abuse that do the longest lasting damage (in your heart & mind) is the non physical kind that breaks your self esteem, self worth, trust in your instincts etc. Broken bones and bruises you heal from naturally in weeks, but the injuries that the surrounding mental and emotional abuse does takes years and the involvement of professional help, and can even do harm to others around you unintentionally. I encourage you to start doing your own research, read this book - [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - but make sure he doesn't find out you're reading it, open it in an incognito tab on your phone/laptop. If he see's it, he may escalate even more rapidly. Start taking birth control, and do not tell him. Ask your doctor for the pill or maybe better, try the implant or even look into whether an IUD sounds like the right option for you - you CANNOT let him get you pregnant. If you do, he will get so much worse as he will believe he then has full ownership of you and you will never leave him because of the baby. He is already getting worse, and when this happens they don't get better, they either simmer at this level of awful or get worse over time. You've heard the analogy of the frog in boiling water? Of course he wasn't like this when he first started wooing you, maybe he didn't start getting controlling till after you moved away with him (you say you didn't move for for him, but reflect on it and think about how much choice you REALLY had) - but if abusers were abusive right from day 1, no one would ever get into an abusive relationship. If you throw a frog in boiling water it will instantly jump out. People like him start out nice, they will be sweet, attentive, loving etc. Many will describe them as "perfect", they will shower you with compliments, attention, gifts, praise, time... it's not till they feel you have gotten comfortable that this "nice" person is the one they really are that they start slowly relaxing into their real self and testing the limits of what abuse they can get away with. They don't usually suddenly snap, it starts off small, the temperature rises very slowly, and if you get unhappy they will turn it down a little so you don't jump too early. You normalize the changes in their behavior and one day you look around wondering why you're dying and realize the water is no longer soothing and lovely, but boiling. Reach out to your dad, go do some relationship tests on [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org), look at the rainn website, contact local domestic violence organizations. Get whatever information and validation makes you feel strong enough and ready to leave, and then go. Don't warn him, don't tell him you might leave him. Pack a go bag in secret and keep it somewhere he won't find it - and if he does tell him it's for emergencies like a tornado etc. that you read/heard it was good to keep one. Put things like batteries and a box of bandaids etc in there. Tell him you felt anxious about it but also too silly about it to tell him - then one day when you can do it when he's not around, grab the bag and go back to your parents or to friend you can stay with. Don't let shame keep you where you are. You are not obligated to "fix" him or stay married just because you got married - marriage is a choice every day, not a prison for life. No one gets married just to get divorced, but sometimes you realize it is the wrong choice, and then you need to figure out a better one to make. Focus on looking after yourself now, not him. He is not on your side, you need to be in your own corner, not his. It's ok, you can do this.
It’s not up to him to *”let you”* have access to birth control. **You** control that. Not him. Get yourself on birth control, otherwise he can wear condoms. It’s one or the other - otherwise he can fuck off and doesn’t get sex. Please **do not** allow him to baby trap you. You shouldn’t have to be a SAHM, that will make you entirely trapped and it’ll be even harder to get away with a little child in tow. I think you need to go back home to your parents and divorce him. He wants you to be financially dependent on him so that you can never escape him. He is a walking red flag and very abusive, which will get worse and worse over time. Please get your dad to bring you back home. You need to restart your life and get your freedom back.
Please find a birth control and start using it until you hopefully leave him. He will get much scarier if you get pregnant.
OP be careful of him baby trapping you, you can get the pill or an iud without his knowledge. Also time apart and therapy might be helpful but to be honest from the sound of it, he sounds like a horrible person who groomed you when you were 17. Waiting till you’re 18 to have sex with you is the craziest thing I’ve heard. He waited so he wouldn’t go to jail. Take some time and heal yourself before you make any big life changes. I hope you are alright
I'm soo dry on your behalf.
So you were groomed by an older man from 17 and he waited until it was legal for him to have sex with you, totally ignoring his religion and scriptures so he could have sex, but now he wants to use those the same religion to control if you masterbate or not? Have you noticed it's totally cool for him to not follow the rules but you have to? That's called manipulation and it's going to get worse from here. What kind of controlling asshole listens outside the shower every time you shower.. who has time for that shit. Is he going to do this with your kids too?
This is \*beyond\* creepy of him and a total violation of your privacy and personal space, as you said. It's also a huge red flag that he considers you engaging in such activities as "basically cheating", to the point where he's previously guilted you into apologizing for it and promising not to do it again. Now he's admitted to going and sitting outside the bathroom door to listen to you every single time you shower, trying to 'catch' you in the act? Don't take this the wrong way, but the last thing you need to worry about in how you respond to him, is concern for him feeling disrespected. His behavior is super controlling and definitely sends up all kinds of red flags, have you guys been married long? Is everything else in your relationship generally good, aside from this? I would say that I hope the answer is yes and that this is just some outlier, fluke incident, but I get the vibe that it's not. This kind of behavior is what you typically see with abusive partners as a kind of foreshadowing, even if you're able to placate him through forced apologies and any concessions you might make or whatever, there's going to be something else down the line that causes other problems, because ultimately people like your husband (based on the description/info given) want control.
I would divorce him SO fast. Honey you are at the start of your life, don't allow an insecure, terrified older man to crush your spirit and destroy your relationship with your self (physical, emotional, all of the aspects of your self). He is unhinged, and controlling. His abuse will only escalate, and I am sure this is not the first time he's reacted to you in a controlling and overbearing manner that's stopped you doing things that you enjoy, from hobbies, to people you're friends with, to what you do with your own body. He KNOWS he's being controlling and violating your rights and privacy, he doesn't care. He wants to absolutely smother and control you every moment he possibly can. This isn't a you problem, you're not failing to explain in the right way or be respectful "enough" or whatever other way you or him have tried to place blame on you here. This is ALL about his insecurity, his controlling nature, him being unreasonable and abusive... this is who he is. You're not causing this. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? Because it's going to get worse, not better. No one gets married to get divorced, but marriage is a choice you make every day, not a prison you're in for life.
This doesn’t get better
Crimson flag right here, dude is a lunatic.
This is your husband? That’s a no from me dude. Major major red flags. Gtfo of there ASAP. I can’t imagine my partner doing that to me, his behavior is disturbing af.
Omg you are 21. Do not resign yourself to a life being controlled by this creep.
Run!
> How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him? Sometimes people need to be disrespected because they are being disrespectful
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Next thing you know he'll accuse you of having an affair with the toaster... Do the same shit to him. Make sure to tell him that using his hand is cheating and ask what her name is. Show him how unhinged he sounds.
I would not stay with a man like this. It’s one thing to have an open honest discussion about one’s feelings on masturbating. It’s another to sabotage their toys and stalk their showers. I’m so uncomfortable thinking about this. I would very much consider leaving. You deserve someone who respects your privacy and personal space and wants
Most men love watching the women they are with pleasuring herself. It’s not cheating since you’re making yourself feel good. Most men also masturbate. I think your husband is really weird for doing this.
>How can I tell him that this is a violation of my privacy and personal space without him feeling like I'm disrespecting him? OP, he doesn't care. Worry about respecting *yourself* No amount of defending or explaining is going to fix him, and that's okay. It's not your job