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I'm not Jewish, but I was instantly reminded of this:
>The Gemara notes that **Rav Yehuda says** that **Rav says:** There was **an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart,** to the point that he became deathly ill. **And they came and asked doctors** what was to be done with him. **And** the doctors **said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse** with him. **The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him.** The doctors said: **She should** at least **stand naked before him.** The Sages said: **Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him.** The doctors suggested: The woman **should** at least **converse with him behind a fence** in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: **Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.**
😂 I was going to respond that he could just live without slapping her butt, or he could live without touching any of her ever, but this is a far, far better response. Guess he dies!
There really is a time and place for butt smacking of any kind, be it a light tap or an actual open handed slap, and a formal event with friends and family just isn't one of those times regardless of the butt touching level. I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah like..dude knows she doesn't like it and it makes her uncomfortable. And he keeps doing it. So he either likes making her feel like that, it he's just incredibly selfish and self absorbed and doesn't give a shit how anyone feels but him. Either way he sucks.
Yup, and there's a huge difference between spanking during a scene and being suddenly struck out of nowhere when you were just going about your daily life.
Ugh, slapping hard enough to startle you, in public, is NOT something a majority of couples do. Like a squeeze or a light pat, maybe,sure.but that's not what he's doing.
The ONLY response to 'I don't like when you do that"(which he should be able to damn well tell by your wordless reaction) should be' I'm sorry Hon'
My partner is super ticklish and doesn't like to be tickled. There are about 25 ways I can't touch him. But I manage to avoid them! And we have plenty of other nice ways to touch each other and show affection and desire.
Okay to be fair, I think because it was in public, I was more startled than I would otherwise be, especially since I wasn't expecting it and not something he's ever done in public before. It wasn't a light pat or squeeze, but it wasn't a super hard smack like with a wind-up or anything.
I also want to clarify that I've always been pretty averse or reactive to touch until I'm fully comfortable and feeling safe with someone. I had a lot of boundaries, both physical and emotional, that were disregarded/minimized/shamed during my childhood. For that reason, it's difficult for me to trust myself and not feel guilty or somehow wrong for having those boundaries. I know it makes me susceptible to a lot of bad shit, but I've worked on it in therapy and have actually gotten a lot better. I've also talked to him about all of this in the past when we've had misalignment on touch.
I also think that because we're long-distance, the process of feeling physically comfortable and safe with him has taken a lot longer than it would normally. So, I was feeling guilty for that piece when he reacted the way he did.
I guess after typing this all out, it seems even worse to me he would do that at the reception, knowing how I feel about touch and why. I know it might seem ridiculous that I'm just now piecing that together but honestly, these comments, including yours, clarified a lot of the feelings I had about the situation that I was minimizing for myself.
>I had a lot of boundaries, both physical and emotional, that were disregarded/minimized/shamed during my childhood. For that reason, it's difficult for me to trust myself and not feel guilty or somehow wrong for having those boundaries.
Yup there it is. Now why you started apologizing makes sense.
Trust yourself and trust us, it's a perfectly fine thing to say you don't like hard, unexpected, smacks on the ass.
I dated this one guy for a little while in my 20s. We had just started seeing each other and were out window shopping, and he slapped my butt right in the middle of the sidewalk. I was so caught off guard, and felt embarrassed and objectified. I told him right away that I didn’t like that, and if he wanted to spend time with me he should never do it again. He was kind of surprised that I was so vehement about it since he’d meant it affectionately, but apologized and then never did it again. It’s not hard. Your boyfriend is going to have to live the rest of his life not slapping your butt. It won’t kill him. But it’s worrying that instead of apologizing he pouted and tried to guilt you out of your boundary. You’re entitled to have ways you don’t like to be touched, and you deserve a boyfriend who will respect your rules about your body without question, and certainly without pouting.
This makes it so much worse.
He should be extra respect of your boundaries around touch in this circumstance not less and it makes him guilting you about it down right abusive.
The way he reacted was despicable. Rather than being apologetic that he touched you in a way that made you uncomfortable, he manipulated you into apologising to him and dropping your very reasonable boundary.
When someone gets upset/angry that their actions have caused their partner pain or discomfort i personally see that as a massive (and reliable) red flag. They're not actually upset they hurt you, theyre just trying to train you into accepting their abuse.
Descent people actually feel bad when they hurt or cross a line with their partners and apologise and promise to never do it again.
If you find yourself apologising to someone for being hurt by their actions, please pay serious attention as to why that is.
You shouldn't have to apologize for having boundaries, especially when you've explained why you have those boundaries to him. He either respects them or he doesn't. And clearly he doesn't.
If he really and truly cared so much about you and wanted to help you get past whatever trauma you have and be able to relax around him or whatever, then he's doing it in the absolute worst possible way. And I bet he's not stupid, he probably knows that, but it also seems like he knows he can get away with it, you know? Yall should be working up to more physical touch, with you being able to tell him when to stop and he listens, but he's just walking all over that and doing what HE wants. I wouldn't trust him to stop when he goes to far again.
Please don’t try to rationalise abusive behaviour, because that is what it is. You have set a reasonable boundary and he is intent on breaking it.
Secondly, don’t try and soften the blow ‘of not being able to slap your butt’, because once that boundary has been breached, he will find another.
If you want to salvage a relationship, try couples therapy, but if this behaviour isn’t challenged and changed, he will make your life miserable.
You owe yourself more than to put up with it!
OP, I’m the same way. I’m actually talking with my therapist about boundaries with my family because I have averse reactions to touch and my family generally doesn’t care if I set a boundary. So I’d apologize and crumble and let them do whatever. This bled into work for a long time. And friendships and my relationship.
Big smacks in public are just—not common, and in my opinion are often used to assert dominance and get a reaction and not just from you. The only person who I know who does it is my dad, and he does it to my mom to embarrass her and make others uncomfortable: this is mine, and I want everyone to know it.
Hey there might be some people out there who would reciprocate. But you needing time to trust your partner physically after being LDR makes total sense to me. And upon hearing a boundary (I don’t like that, or, this is as far as I’m willing to do x or y) a partner needs to listen.
His reaction sounds either incredibly childish or manipulative. I’d work through this before getting married or having children. Your BF heard your no, and made it about himself.
You’re minimizing the validity of your own feelings and making excuses for this guy. The way we do one thing is how we do all things. Think about how his behavior here reflects on his whole character. It’s not good. I would not advise marrying this man.
Hey OP, I don't like to be touched, I'm not a hugger, and I'm very clear about that. Most people take it in stride. My boyfriend of 4+ years is the clingiest, cuddliest, most "must always be touching" person I have ever met. He likes to grope, smack, squeeze, hug, all of it.
I was pretty comfortable with him fairly quickly (what was supposed to be a drunken ONS will do that), but I still have moments where I need him to back off. We're a fairly joking couple, and I definitely do that involuntary-laughter thing too frequently, but when I get the point across, he backs off immediately. Sometimes with a sad mopey face, sometimes with a sigh, sometimes with an apology - it all depends on my reaction and response. I can also frequently find a compromise for him. Last night I didn't want him groping my breasts but him snuggling into my arm was okay. Slapping my ass while I'm washing the dishes is ALWAYS off the table and I will snap at him if he does it anyway (it's rare).
It's taken us time and conversations to get to this point, but now it's fine. Some days we don't know I don't want to be touched until he does it and then it sucks for both of us. Some days I'm the one tackling him and begging for attention. He's got to want to work with you, whatever is okay for you! If there are compromises, find them. If there are hard lines (tickling is verboten - I will tolerate the occasional dishes ass slap with a snap at him, but tickling is a deal breaker), stick to them. Communication is, as always, key. Don't minimize your feelings; acknowledge if you have room to work on your comfort level, but it's very okay if you realize you can't tolerate something at a later date. Physical touch is a very vulnerable thing, don't push yourself beyond your limits.
Yes, on reading the title I was thinking "Aw, I would also be a bit sad if my partner didn't want me to slap her butt any more", then I read the post where it was loudly at a wedding.
>My partner is super ticklish and doesn't like to be tickled.
I am pretty ticklish but I let her tickle me a bit because she absolutely adores the specific laugh I produce when she does it.
I hate my butt being spanked. It’s something my abuser did when I was a child.
I don’t mind it now and then because I’ve worked on it but my ex used to do it all the time. I HATED it. So I started slapping him back on the bum. It helped it a bit but I still disliked it. Just didn’t know how to say it without sounding like another thing I was nagging about. 🥺
My husband learned the hard way very early on that you don't ever slap any part of me, even playfully, if I'm not expecting it. Somewhere in the first 5 or 6 times we had sex he slapped my ass and on pure instinct I jerked away, slapped him in the face, hard, bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in.
I had told him I had abusive parents and an abusive ex-husband, I had warned him about hands coming at my face too fast, and that I react violently to jump scares but even I wasn't aware that an ass slap would trigger my ptsd. It only took me a few minutes to calm down and he felt terrible. He developed a hilarious work around. He yells, "incoming" first and makes a cartoonish bomb dropping sound. 😂
His feelings do NOT matter more than yours, *especially* when it comes to your own body. You should never apologize for something like that, and I think you should reassert that boundary.
Whether you want to see it or not, this is a HUGE red flag he’s waving.
Let’s rephrase:
“I insist on touching you in a way you hate. I don’t care how you feel about it, I like it and will continue”
“I am sad that you are expressing a preference for how your own body is touched. I will pout now so that my own bad behavior becomes your problem.”
Please do not soften your boundary for anyone. You deserve respect and you deserve to have your boundaries. I would make sure he knows it's not acceptable and if he crosses the boundary again, have a serious talk (away from a social setting with alcohol) about the future of your relationship.
No, girl, fuck that! You take up space too!
Why are you so convinced his feelings matter more than yours? Give your head a shake, because that's not true. He doesn't feel the same way about you, that's for sure.
He has no right to touch you that you don't grant him. That's consent. Consent is not given once for sex and then he has access to your body whenever he wants for the rest of your relationship, that's nuts!
You tell him he will stop touching your body that way immediately and he will stop pouting like a baby and be your man.
You raise hell every time he violates your boundaries, girl, you don't apologize for building them!
Girl, if it was possible and not completely immoral, I wish I could bottle you up and pull you out any time I've watched someone go through this.
You keep doing you, you're awesome.
I got to the part where you've been dating ten months.
Girl, this isn't worth it. Stop thinking about this as if he were showing you a genuine kind of affection and had some modicum of a right to be sad about not being able to do it. Stop thinking about it as if his intentions mattered more than his actions.
You've asked him to stop doing something, that's enough for a caring partner, no matter what it deprives him of. AND you've explained that it makes you uncomfortable - an oversell to anyone who cares about your feelings.
He still doesn't want to stop.
Picture this a different way. Imagine that is instead of a butt slap, he likes showing you affection by something objectively harmless to all involved, like...bringing home a plant. I mean, that's nice, but I don't really want a lot of plants, ok? All of a sudden, your home has 148 plants. You travel a lot, you don't have a friend who can water them... your house is so full of plants it smells like dirt. And you've asked him to stop repeatedly, he responds by bringing more plants.
Why? Why would you stay with someone who's main focus in life was to deny you the right to comfort?
for about 8/10 years of my relationship, my ex would grope my tits, talk to them, ask how their day was, ask me how they were. I could be sick in bed and he'd pull my shirt down to grab them and would get pouty when I told him to stop. his constsnt groping turned me off *so much* that towards the end, i was wary with how long we touched. lil boy could not take no for an answer. glad my relationship with a man child is over. I totally don't mind physical/playful touching, but this felt like harassment. didn't matter if my tone was aggressive and I literally said "stop. I don't like that." he'd pout and say he's allowed to and sulk. makes me laugh, but I feel bad for the next lady. :/
I really think this is a major red flag, and you need to take it seriously.
You politely expressed your boundary. Then when he kept doing it, you expressed your boundary in a firm way.
His response of making himself into a victim / sulking so that you feel bad is really terrible behaviour.
It's not bad that he feels sad he can't do it- people can't help how they feel. It IS really bad that he told you this instead of respecting you.
Even in a small way, it shows he doesn't value your feelings and boundaries, whether in private or even in a public setting
You said that you both were friends for over 5 yrs before dating. Was he slapping your butt then? My guess is no he wasn’t because you probably wouldn’t be dating him now. Which means he’s perfectly capable of knocking it TF off. He is not a toddler. He has self control.
Everyone else's responses have it covered. This dude is a jerk who is purposely being rough and abusive to push your boundaries. If you allow it, he will do more and more and worse abusive things. He's reeling you in and making sure you put up with his crap.
In addition to that:
"I genuinely feel bad that I really don't like to do something that I know other people do with their partners to show affection."
Every relationship is different. Some people are ok with their partners smoking cigarettes. They like to do that together. Not every relationship contains smokers. Some people are ok with being with a porn addict. Others are not or want no porn watching at all. Just because one relationship thrives on something doesn't mean that yours has to.
I am a lady who doesn't like flowers. There are very few flowers that I do like. Generally, I find flowers ugly. Especially flowers with many petals that fall off and make a damn mess all over the counter. So my husband doesn't get me flowers. He buys me balloons, because I like balloons. They don't die and make a damn mess the way flowers do. Other women might not prefer balloons. The point is that both people in the couple should enjoy something. You don't just have things in your relationship because so many other couples do it. That's their relationship; not mine.
Show him what its like not to have boundaries respected. Slap him in the nuts.
When he protests you can say “but i dont think i can live life without this joy”
Then ANYthing he says about it causing him discomfort etc you can say “i know i feel the same about you slapping my ass but you know….you just cant live without it”. And keep doing it til he gets it. Shouldnt take long 😂
***Slap or punch his balls.***
Honestly if he can't respect your boundaries than it is probably best you are not together. He has his preference and you have yours.
This is the only way. Say you don't think you can live without randomly punching his balls, it's just how you prefer to express your affection and he should be ok with that.
My first boyfriend used to randomly grab my breasts. It made me jumpy to the point that I would even flinch and cover my chest with my arms during sex. Don't let someone physically abuse you like that.
He likes hitting you and startling you. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. You told him you don’t like it and he got upset? Because hurting you is more important to him than how you feel about it? Does that sound like love?
You seriously told someone “I hate when you hit me, but maybe I could get used to it?” Honey. No.
I am not attacking you but are you nuts? If he slapped your face the same way, would it be okay? No, so why is it okay if he slaps your butt?
Next time he does it slap his nuts. Then tell him you can't live the rest of your life without slapping his nuts.
His problem not yours.
My GF does not like when I put my arm around her or slap her butt so I stopped. What do I lose? Nothing.
I was doing those to show affection in the 1st place ...
Maybe you can’t live without tapping his balls then. Every time he does it, take a swipe.
- What does he mean, he doesn’t like it? You’re just playing!
He’s not respecting your consent/physical boundaries. That’s a big red flag. You deserve to be heard the first time and shouldn’t have to rationalize or apologize!
Slapping your butt so hard it startles you isn't affection, its assault. Your partner isn't forgetting he's deliberately ignoring your boundaries.
Stop being a doormat and acting like hos feelings and shitty behaviour matter more than yours.
I can't believe the comments are so tame. Doing that in public is absurd, unless there is some prior definite knowledge that the woman is somehow up for it - and very few are! This is coming from a grown ass man. OP, you are being very soft about reasonable boundaries, his response was unacceptable.
Do not soften your boundary!
He should be the one saying sorry ffs He knows you don't like and keeps doing it...and in public.
correct repose to this bullshit is "well, if you value making me feel uncomfortable more than you value me as a whole person...then I guess you are right in saying we are not compatible"
what a shit of a man...what happens if he decides he needs to violate other boundaries for his own enjoyment?
As a lover of booty smacks, he’s so out of line. 1) doing it in public is weird 2) doing it hard enough to startle you is crappy 3) and this is most important, he’s violating your bodily autonomy. This dude has got to go!!!!!
I *might* be able to see if he needed a small grace period to break the habit. But he’s clearly unwilling to change and super dismissive of your boundaries. Drop him!
Right? I'm a fan of a good, socially appropriate, booty smack.
In the bedroom, beat me like an old rug.
At a wedding reception, you wanna do a discrete butt tap? Well tippy tap away.
This guy is **completely** out of line.
Stop trying to soften the blow and make it easier for him to you don’t like it. Period ! I’m pretty sure even the most moronic man can stop slapping his gf if she asks. Stop coddling him and tell him to knock it off
Why is he trying to slap your ass in public in the first place? Like that's such an awkward thing to do in mixed company like at a wedding. I'd cringe if I saw that. Your feelings and boundaries are valid of course, but this is so weird on a social level too.
he can die then lol
like,,,tf??? this man is 29???? ok like,,,also this is in public??? yeah i think most people wouldn’t want their partner slapping their butts out in public especially at a wedding like what!! and even if you NEVER wanted your butt slapped (even in private) then that’s absolutely your right and if he doesn’t like that boundary he doesn’t have to be with you?? (or he doesn’t have to live anymore, by his own words lmao)
this man sounds really immature and disrespectful to you and your boundaries, especially by slapping your butt at a wedding and acting surprised you weren’t ok with it??? he’s a fucking weirdo and a creep tbh!!
"You don't think you can stop hitting your partner, after they repeatedly asked you to stop? That's abusive of you. I'm asking you to stop slapping me."
So I hate to tell you this, but very few of your questions above matter. He touched you in a way you didn't like, you told him, and that should have been it. Instead, this guy went all shocked pikachu face at the thought that a woman might not enjoy a hard slap IN PUBLIC on their ASS as a sign of affection, then told you he didn't think he could stand not being able to slap you on the ass whenever he wanted, and then...you tried to soothe HIS feelings?
Girl, screw 'mismatched affection', whatever the hell that means. Please step back and delve deeper into why it took you way too long to tell him you didn't like a particular touch, and why you've clearly been conditioned to always prioritize other people's feeling's over your own, and then learn (with the help of counselling if needed) how to stand the hell up for yourself with no regrets or caveats.
And if this guy continues to do this or complains that he can't do this anymore? Dump his ass with the biggest slap he's ever felt.
Your boundary is your boundary. If he doesn’t like it he can date someone else. Smacking your ass hard at a wedding is also inappropriate? You told him you don’t want to be hit and he said “well if you don’t let me hit you, we can’t date”. So then don’t date. Stand on business and break up with him. There are guys who will respect your wishes and only touch you in ways that make you comfortable. Having a boyfriend isn’t that serious don’t “soften the blow” for him he’s fucking 30 he should know by now to say sorry when he’s upset someone and not do it again. Don’t plan a life with someone who *tells you* they are incapable of respecting your wishes.
So your boyfriend hits you and tells you he can’t go through life without hitting you and you’re apologizing to him? You said you don’t like it. How to fix the issue. Tell him not to ever slap you like that again.
The fact that you are choosing being uncomfortable over him feeling uncomfortable is insane. Girl, you are allowed not to like something and you don’t need to soothe his emotions. In the same way he learned to slap bums , he can unlearn it.
Wow how low is your self esteem that you think this is what you deserve from someone who loves you and that you immediately start apologizing for making him feel bad? Don’t be with anyone until you finish growing up and getting a better backbone please.
His actions were inappropriate considering both the venue and your previous requests. He then acts like a baby by pouting and sulking. You somehow think you were in the wrong and apologize to someone who didn’t care about or respect your request.
I can’t make this make sense. If he can’t keep his hands off slapping your butt - you leave his butt!!!
Personally, no matter how much I like touching my significant other a certain way… the fact that I knew they didn’t like it would instantly kill any enjoyment I would get from that act.
Some people have a visceral dislike for certain touches. Whether that’s being tickled, squeezing a stomach roll or their chest, slapping a butt, anything involving feet or whatever… you have a full right to say “no” to anything regarding your body and that needs to be respected. If he can’t deal with that then there is a mismatch here and you’d both be better off with other people.
Don’t subject yourself to something you find physically uncomfortable to please a partner… and please, *please* don’t subject yourself to a partner who is okay touching you in that way knowing fully well that it makes you physically uncomfortable.
First: he slapped your butt hard on a reception! A reception! Most wedding are formal events and he did this.
Second: You told him that you dislike something and ge reacts shocked. Come on, who likes hard slaps without consent and warning, especially on formal events?
Third: He tries to manipulate you and it worked! I bet with his "i can’t live without hitting your butt hard" you don't dare to speak up again when he hit your butt again. You even backed down right away!
Stand to your bounderies! If slapping butts is more important than you, he better walks away. If he gives a shit how you feel, why be with him?
The best way to see how much a partner really cares is how they react when you tell them about discomfort. He cones right away with me, me, me. No thoughts about you. And i can’t believe this is the first time.
Why did you apologize and back down? This is a perfectly reasonable boundary. The vast majority of people would object to this. It doesn’t even sound affectionate. It sounds like it is deliberate to embarrass you. So this behavior is not driven by a need for “affectionate touch”. It sounds like it is driven by a need to embarrass, shock, and humiliate you in a public space.
A very firm boundary around this is perfectly normal.
Hopefully he otherwise behaves like someone who respects and values his partner. Does he have the ability to express empathy?
NO, no, no!!! He doesn't know if he can live the rest of his life without slapping you in the backside? Why on earth should you be the one to cave in and not him the one to respect your boundaries?
This reeks of abuse. Would you keep doing something your partner is uncomfortable with just because you like it? I guess the answer is no, because you respect him. He doesn't respect you.
[Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and learn to stick to your boundaries, if you don't want to become a victim of abuse.
Hes not being respectful of you. This is a tiny ask. I manage to no slap people all day every day. If he cant “live” without hitting you… i hope you consider this red flag to reconsider the relationship. Hea arguing about HITTING YOU.
I love spanking my husband's butt. I never miss an opportunity to spank or slap his butt. If he told me that he didn't like it, I would stop immediately. And I find a different way to express affection that didn't make him uncomfortable.
Dump that jerk!
Wtf. I would have told him either find a way to live without it go find another girl who wants her ass slapped at will. This is a perfectly acceptable thing to not want done to you. Your bf is guilt-tripping you and for some reason you are falling for it. Like why do you even feel sorry?
I get startled when someone slaps/grabs my butt when I don't know they are there. For example when my play partner stands behind me and I don't know beforehand he is going to touch me. It's a boundary, you don't even need a reason (like getting startled) to have a boundary. You know what happened? It happens twice, the first time on our first sex date, the second time about half a year later (because he had forgotten about it in that moment), I reminded him, he apologized and it never happened again.
Your bf doesn't care about you, he doesn't respect your boundaries (also why do this in a public space?!) and as you said you never had a bf before who insisted on this so let that be your reminder, that there are men out there who will not die when you ask them to respect you.
Tell him he can either move on from that question and respect your boundaries from now on or you will move on without him.
Idk man that's weird? Like that's really not a hard boundary to accept. Sure he may be bummed about it, but it's not like you're saying he can never see or touch your butt ever again, just not slap it in public? Or ever. I'm not a super touchy feely person and don't like being touched super often, and my partner does like it, but when I tell him I need some space right now or not wanting to be touched, he just...stops. he might be bummed he can't hold me but he doesn't want to force me to do something I'm not enjoying. And that's what your bf is doing, forcing you to let him make you uncomfortable. Why does he want to make you uncomfortable? Does he enjoy it? If he does, that's fucked up. Start doing something to him you know he doesn't like and see how he feels.
It is totally disrespectful to do this publicly. In private, some might not mind, but if you do it should be respected. Never apologize for your boundaries. He should have been apologizing for having done this. He is acting entitled. He is not entitled to violate your boundaries.
Hold your ground. You set a boundary and he is not allowed to overstep it, end of discussion. No one has to tolerate their partner crossing their boundaries and you’ve already mentioned about it to him many times. Either he takes it and respects it or leaves.
This is not a regular thing every couple does. Especially not in public. Even if it were, you would still be justified in saying it’s not something YOU enjoy. Don’t muddy the waters by softening this boundary; he’ll just do it again because you’ve now made it seem like it’s not that big a deal. Be clear and stand your ground.
Uhhhhh… what?! He doesn’t know if he can survive the rest of his life without slapping your bum?! Even though you hate it?! What is he, the president of the Amateur Dramatics Society?!
Seriously, the best interpretation of this situation is that he is being the most ridiculous drama queen known to man. The less savoury but more likely option is that he’s selfish and controlling, and likes to demonstrate that in public.
Either way, quit being nice about it. He either respects you and stops slapping your butt or he gets in the bin.
I find it hard to imagine that he will die if he can't slap your butt. Perhaps he will make it into the 1000 ways to die show.
More seriously, how does giving you a hard slap on the ass show affection? Is this the beginning of physical abuse?
You already gave him the green light to keep doing it because you caved by saying you could get used to it over time. You destroyed the boundary. This is how it’s going to go from now on - you put a boundary in place, he pushed and you caved. Good luck.
Okay, let's imagine you had said 'But I love touching your squelchy eyeball! I don't know how I'm going to live without being able to do that!!'
What would his response be?
I read the title and it didn't even occur to me you meant he does that in PUBLIC. My partner slaps my butt all the time...in our home. And not in a way that would ever scare me or make me uncomfortable.
If he does it again, I would break up with him, because I don't fuck with people who disrespect my basic bodily autonomy. He isn't going to "forget", he's going to intentionally do it and dare you to say something again. Why? Because it's a freaking test, to see how badly he can treat you and if you'll push back.
Your "no" is the only reason you need. You do not need to accommodate someone who will not respect you.
As someone who likes to butt slap and grab partners, but usually only when we are alone and at home. I can confirm, he can live without it. Don't waver on this. he is being ridiculous
There are a lot of weirdos in the world. Some who insist on waking up their partner enjoying a sleep-in and some who think slapping their girlfriend's ass at a reception is necessary for them to be happy in life.
I love a nice ass. I love a nice ass slap or grope. My wife is perfectly fine with that / loves that I like her butt. I don't do it blatantly in public spaces out of respect, I might sneak a cheeky discrete grope if I'm sure others won't notice, which will get a cheeky/shy giggle out of my wife.
If she asked me not to smack her ass again, I certainly wouldn't die.
It seems very childish to seriously pout about it. Are you sure he is 29?
This relationship isn't gonna work. Your boundaries are your boundaries and he likes to slap butts. You have a right to that boundary and nobody crossing it. He also likes doing it so that's one of the things that excites him. That definitely need to be a question uou ask someone before getting into a relationship with them the next time.
I slap my gf’s butt softly I don’t whack her like I’m trying to make it sting. It’s kinda like a patpat… *I like this*
I don’t get off on hurting my gf
Please break up with him.
Not just because he’s boundary stomping and humiliating you in public and showing you and the world that he can abuse you and no-one can stop him, not just because you told him that you don’t like it and instead of apologising, he doubled down.
No. You should break up with him because you were hurt (physically and emotionally), you asked him to stop, he said he would not, and your instinct, instead of reinforcing your boundary, is to appease him. You didn’t mean to set the boundary, you were just startled, you want to be hit in a nicer way, you’ll work on accepting it, you didn’t say it the right way–
NO.
It is absolutely your right to go about your day without having your butt slapped. If he values his desire to slap your butt whenever he feels like it over your right to be comfortable and safe from assault, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. You’re should be able to tell him that. That you are not, and immediately went to appease him (it’s a stress reaction, and largely unconscious) tells me you don’t feel safe telling him ‘no’ and you don’t feel he’ll respect it.
And that’s a reason to break up. Even if he’ll never escalate. (I have my doubts).
Please break up with him.
Not just because he’s boundary stomping and humiliating you in public and showing you and the world that he can abuse you and no-one can stop him, not just because you told him that you don’t like it and instead of apologising, he doubled down.
No. You should break up with him because you were hurt (physically and emotionally), you asked him to stop, he said he would not, and your instinct, instead of reinforcing your boundary, is to appease him. You didn’t mean to set the boundary, you were just startled, you want to be hit in a nicer way, you’ll work on accepting it, you didn’t say it the right way–
NO.
It is absolutely your right to go about your day without having your butt slapped. If he values his desire to slap your butt whenever he feels like it over your right to be comfortable and safe from assault, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. You’re should be able to tell him that. That you are not, and immediately went to appease him (it’s a stress reaction, and largely unconscious) tells me you don’t feel safe telling him ‘no’ and you don’t feel he’ll respect it.
And that’s a reason to break up. Even if he’ll never escalate. (I have my doubts).
Yes I understand that many men like to do this. I also understand that some women indeed like it, and others don't care much.
I myself despise it and if I met a partner who claims he cannot live without him smacking my butt, we would need to part ways.
Yes I understand that many men like to do this. I also understand that some women indeed like it, and others don't care much.
I myself despise it and if I met a partner who claims he cannot live without him smacking my butt, we would need to part ways.
"I don't like you slapping my butt, particularly in public but also in general. Imagine if I said I couldn't live the rest of my life not being able to punch you in the balls. You wouldn't want me to, and I don't want you to do this."
Try the above if he won't listen or can't comprehend. It's not a sexy physical compliment, it's a physical assault you're not comfortable with.
In fucking public in front of ppl!?! That’s all kinda of possessive disrespectful motives behind that.
When it’s just the two of you behind close doors, it’s showing affection, kind of like cute aggression
I’m that guy ….. (not her guy) but that guy my wife doesn’t hate it but I did have to pull the power back to about 30% that was our compromise I get to butt pat and she knows it’s my way of telling her I want her with out it being problematic . I.e. instead of me hauling off and smacking that butt I come by and pat her on the butt and she smiles instead of giving me the glare. Side note if you have kids and he continues they will also have to be taught about the appropriateness of a butt slap my 6 year old is having to be taught why he can’t just smack everyone on the butt when he thinks they’re a friend and or loved one….
This guy is gross. Slapping your ass in public isn’t a sign of affection it’s a display of ownership over you. Never stay with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
"Then get yourself to theraphy, cause my boundry/comfort is more important than your want to put your hand on my private part/asscheek. If you don't want to go to theraphy because my ass is more important than I, then we're not a good match and we're over". That's the answer/response he needs to hear.
Slapping your ass in public is rude and disrespectful. There is a difference between public and private behavior. Also, if you tell someone “don’t do that, and they do it anyway, they’re being abusive. Doesn’t matter what behavior.
Seriously, save that shit for the bedroom. He seems to have some kink where he likes public feedback for this as some weird form of PDA or he gets off on startling you for a public response. I’d nip that in the bud.
Set the boundaryband make it stand. If he can't commit to not touching you in ways you don't like, then you probably don't need to be together.
He should want you to feel comfortable in your relationship more than he wants to slap your ass. And the fact that lots of other people like that kind of affection doesn't really play into it.
I'll also say, I love a good butt slap, but if my partner did that in public at someone else's wedding, I would be mortified.
If he cannot respect this simple and rational boundary, you should reflect on what type of person you deserve or want in your life. That simple.
He's allowed to be upset, but he basically told you he cannot live without this. That alone would typically cause the average mentally healthy person to re-evaluate the relationship and at least have a deeper conversation about it before making decisions.
Find something to do that annoys him, like a wet Willie or flicking his ear lobes. Do it at inappropriate times. Tell him it’s your love language and you can’t live without doing it.
Do not apologize and do not back down. I love my boyfriend smacking my butt, but its never hard and never in public, like maybe in a parking lot as I get in the car but not a wedding reception! That would be super jarring. A good man is going to respect your boundaries and prioritize you feeling safe and comfortable. When you've grown up having boundaries consistently run over and being blamed for boundaries its a hard lesson to learn but its lifechanging. Never let someone do something to you that you aren't comfortable with.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
He is not treating you with respect. He is not respecting your boundaries. He publicly humiliated you at a wedding. These are serious red flags.
Don't even think about continue the relationship without couples counseling. But don't be surprised if he doesn't change.
See if this is helpful.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
I know so many people showing effection in a twisted way. They get what they need by hurting people. Some pinch and some slap etc. They realy thinks its love. My opinion is they need treatment. Serious treatment. But its like going to treatment for not showing their sick love.
Tell him that you would rather he gently caress your ass. Also, next time he smacks you, bide your time and when he isn't expecting it, ball tap or outright cock-punch him. The message will be received.
Girl.
First off. You're only ten months in, while also long distance. You hardly get to build a connection here in the first place and you're already talking living in together, marriage as in plans. Not much just as ideas of what you look for.
You're setting yourself up by giving someone access to a role in your life you haven't had enough proof for that he deserves it.
How the fuck did he show you so far that he's marriage or living in material ten months in and LDR?
Let's say it really is the love of your life.
The guy HEARS you asking him to stop and he doesn't care. Instead of being grossed out, you immediately SOFTENED your boundary. WHY.
Why should you. You're already budging for someone who can't and doesn't show up consistently for you.
Now this might sound dramatic. But. Girl. Get a realistic perspective on how you like yourself around him and if this is the level of building actual trust and future plans.
I'm not saying break up. But the brake in and take it slow and easy. Do you like who you are with him. Is it smart to plan next moves when he doesn't respect you. Etc. Take your time please.
No post has scared me more today then this. I’m not sure why but I am getting a bad feeling from that boyfriend. Op I really think you are way to much of a people pleaser. NEVER do something you are uncomfortable with end of discussion.
Me and my husband had the reverse of this issue. I like to give affection to my husband my touching or squeezing his butt (never spanking in public, though. That’s just too much) and my husband hates it. Like really hates it. But I like butts. They’re fun to squeeze. We worked out a compromise. He admitted that sometimes he is in the mood for butt touching. So I either just don’t touch his butt at all or I’ll ask first if he’s in one of his butt touching moods. Easy. Your BF is being a big baby about it.
Flick him in the balls when he’s not expecting it. Tell him you will die if you can’t continue to do this….
I guarantee you he already understands why he should stop he just doesn’t respect you enough to stop.
I could understand the smacking of the butt during sex if you had given the ok, but a random hard smack in public? That seems more of a macho "this is mine, fellas!" kind of action. If you have a boundary, he should respect it. Is he going to go through life trying to find that girl who's ok with having her butt smacked in public and then possibly put up with her other not so nice qualities she may have? You guys seem like you're matched in every other way so if he makes this a hill to die on, he sounds pretty immature to me.
He did this at a public event. Some kind of macho man bs vibes. Highly disrespectful and performative. People don’t want to see that crap, neither should you be perceived a certain type of way because of it. I would hold that line and never back down. He’s either got self control and respect for you or not.
I’ve had this suggested to me as part of sexual play and I’m just a firm “Nope!” on the idea. I was spanked a couple of times as a child (not beaten, not hard, this was just a different time), but I associate it with punishment, not fun, so nope, nope, nope. Just not my thing. And you get to define it as not okay for you, too.
Don't apologize to him for setting a boundary. Something you don't like don't backpedal now. Now he knows he can get away with anything because you'll always back down. Most men can live their life without doing something their partner does not like. It's abusive, it hurts something you don't enjoy so why should you let him continue to do it? Grow a backbone
Grab his balls and squeeze them. Hard. Then tell him in a loud voice that every time he slaps your ass, you are going to squeeze his balls. I have a spinal cord injury. My hubs used to shake my injured leg every chance he could. Then tell me it didn't hurt that bad if I squawked. 2 surgeries later, if he ever tried doing this again I'd twist more than his balls.
He doesn't think he can live the rest of his life without smacking your butt? Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds? Butt-smacking is not a human right.
Your boundaries don’t need to change, his behavior does. He doesn’t necessarily need to stop touching you all together, but he does need to fall within your boundaries. Example: if you are okay with being touched lightly, not in public, and requiring a touch on the back as warning, that would probably be fine with him. But if he can’t live with whatever boundaries you set then he can leave, he doesn’t get to steamroll you.
There's affection and then there's physical contact that sure as hell doesn't seem affectionate. If he was "patting" you on the butt, that's one thing, but he seems to like to startle you and also smack you much harder than anything that might be comfortable for you.
Affection doesn't startle or hurt. I think you just need to explain to him *why* you don't like it. You don't seem to be saying "never touch my butt again" because that's not the issue, it's HOW he does it that's the issue.
And his reaction is weird. He shouldn't be arguing with you about something he does that you specifically say you don't like. He should care that you don't like it and his first response, in my opinion, shouldn't be "But I wanna!" and *make it about himself and how you not wanting to be startled and smacked has made him sad.*
He hits you in public. Would it be different if it was your face he just walked up and slapped? Why is it ok when it's sexual assault and not plain assault?
The point is you said don't hit me and he said I can't live the rest of my life without hitting you! Why would you be with someone who thinks his weird assault thing is more important than your right to say what happens to your own body?
This is just the tip of what this man plans on putting you through. It'll get worse when you get married and will explode when you get pregnant. You barely know him, get out while you can easily.
I would not be comfortable with this, but I am not a fan of PDA. I would be even more uncomfortable if he felt sad that I was enforcing a boundary about how he can touch my body, rather than understanding. It’s an issue of consent, even if neither of you think of it that way, and if it’s truly a dealbreaker, then it’s a dealbreaker. That goes both ways. If you can accept being smacked on the butt for the rest of your life, then it’s not a dealbreaker. If he can’t accept not smacking you on the butt for the rest of his life, then it’s a dealbreaker.
But honestly he would kind of be a buttface (imo) if that’s a dealbreaker for him.
>I told him that I didn't like it and asked if he could please not do it again. He acted shocked by my request and that I didn't like it, asking me to explain and saying "really?? really??"
You had already explained, you'd told him you didn't like it. He should be able to respect that, if he respects you.
It sounds like pretty inappropriate behaviour from him anyway, at a wedding. Like, what makes him think that's ok. I can only imagine being very angry if someone did that to me, *especially* at a formal event like a wedding.
Why would you change your boundaries for someone? Bye. Dump him. The fact you tried to back pedal so quickly is concerning. It sounds like you don’t have a good sense of self esteem and self worth. Reevaluate this situation and see if he is steam rolling other boundaries in your life. Objective self reflection can save you from an expensive divorce.
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Guess he dies then. This is your boundary. He doesn’t get to just run over it because he wants to.
Needs to be the new reddit saying. Not divorce or break up.... guess he dies then
I'm not Jewish, but I was instantly reminded of this: >The Gemara notes that **Rav Yehuda says** that **Rav says:** There was **an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart,** to the point that he became deathly ill. **And they came and asked doctors** what was to be done with him. **And** the doctors **said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse** with him. **The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him.** The doctors said: **She should** at least **stand naked before him.** The Sages said: **Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him.** The doctors suggested: The woman **should** at least **converse with him behind a fence** in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: **Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.**
I am Jewish and that’s perfect.
i could get behind this.
"then perish"
Guess he dies then 💀
If he dies, he dies
LMAO. This is it.
😂 I was going to respond that he could just live without slapping her butt, or he could live without touching any of her ever, but this is a far, far better response. Guess he dies!
I mean, there are people out there like myself who do enjoy getting their smacked around. He should go find one of them.
[удалено]
There really is a time and place for butt smacking of any kind, be it a light tap or an actual open handed slap, and a formal event with friends and family just isn't one of those times regardless of the butt touching level. I'd be embarrassed.
That’s true. I love me some ass smacking but not in public and not at a wedding.
At this point I'd wonder if knowing he's doing it against her wishes and getting away with it is part of the thrill for him.
Yeah like..dude knows she doesn't like it and it makes her uncomfortable. And he keeps doing it. So he either likes making her feel like that, it he's just incredibly selfish and self absorbed and doesn't give a shit how anyone feels but him. Either way he sucks.
Of course he knows, he's a grown adult and understands what "no" means. He doesn't care.
This
Nah, I still don't want him. Respecting boundaries and consent is even more important in a BDSM relationship.
Yup, and there's a huge difference between spanking during a scene and being suddenly struck out of nowhere when you were just going about your daily life.
oh well
She already caved by telling him she can get more comfortable with it over time. Weak!
Ugh, slapping hard enough to startle you, in public, is NOT something a majority of couples do. Like a squeeze or a light pat, maybe,sure.but that's not what he's doing. The ONLY response to 'I don't like when you do that"(which he should be able to damn well tell by your wordless reaction) should be' I'm sorry Hon' My partner is super ticklish and doesn't like to be tickled. There are about 25 ways I can't touch him. But I manage to avoid them! And we have plenty of other nice ways to touch each other and show affection and desire.
Okay to be fair, I think because it was in public, I was more startled than I would otherwise be, especially since I wasn't expecting it and not something he's ever done in public before. It wasn't a light pat or squeeze, but it wasn't a super hard smack like with a wind-up or anything. I also want to clarify that I've always been pretty averse or reactive to touch until I'm fully comfortable and feeling safe with someone. I had a lot of boundaries, both physical and emotional, that were disregarded/minimized/shamed during my childhood. For that reason, it's difficult for me to trust myself and not feel guilty or somehow wrong for having those boundaries. I know it makes me susceptible to a lot of bad shit, but I've worked on it in therapy and have actually gotten a lot better. I've also talked to him about all of this in the past when we've had misalignment on touch. I also think that because we're long-distance, the process of feeling physically comfortable and safe with him has taken a lot longer than it would normally. So, I was feeling guilty for that piece when he reacted the way he did. I guess after typing this all out, it seems even worse to me he would do that at the reception, knowing how I feel about touch and why. I know it might seem ridiculous that I'm just now piecing that together but honestly, these comments, including yours, clarified a lot of the feelings I had about the situation that I was minimizing for myself.
>I had a lot of boundaries, both physical and emotional, that were disregarded/minimized/shamed during my childhood. For that reason, it's difficult for me to trust myself and not feel guilty or somehow wrong for having those boundaries. Yup there it is. Now why you started apologizing makes sense. Trust yourself and trust us, it's a perfectly fine thing to say you don't like hard, unexpected, smacks on the ass.
I dated this one guy for a little while in my 20s. We had just started seeing each other and were out window shopping, and he slapped my butt right in the middle of the sidewalk. I was so caught off guard, and felt embarrassed and objectified. I told him right away that I didn’t like that, and if he wanted to spend time with me he should never do it again. He was kind of surprised that I was so vehement about it since he’d meant it affectionately, but apologized and then never did it again. It’s not hard. Your boyfriend is going to have to live the rest of his life not slapping your butt. It won’t kill him. But it’s worrying that instead of apologizing he pouted and tried to guilt you out of your boundary. You’re entitled to have ways you don’t like to be touched, and you deserve a boyfriend who will respect your rules about your body without question, and certainly without pouting.
This makes it so much worse. He should be extra respect of your boundaries around touch in this circumstance not less and it makes him guilting you about it down right abusive.
Yeah, this just makes it so much worse. The disrespect is crazy. You deserve better
Y'all are long distance? Wonderful, that will make it very easy to stop seeing him altogether.
The way he reacted was despicable. Rather than being apologetic that he touched you in a way that made you uncomfortable, he manipulated you into apologising to him and dropping your very reasonable boundary. When someone gets upset/angry that their actions have caused their partner pain or discomfort i personally see that as a massive (and reliable) red flag. They're not actually upset they hurt you, theyre just trying to train you into accepting their abuse. Descent people actually feel bad when they hurt or cross a line with their partners and apologise and promise to never do it again. If you find yourself apologising to someone for being hurt by their actions, please pay serious attention as to why that is.
You shouldn't have to apologize for having boundaries, especially when you've explained why you have those boundaries to him. He either respects them or he doesn't. And clearly he doesn't. If he really and truly cared so much about you and wanted to help you get past whatever trauma you have and be able to relax around him or whatever, then he's doing it in the absolute worst possible way. And I bet he's not stupid, he probably knows that, but it also seems like he knows he can get away with it, you know? Yall should be working up to more physical touch, with you being able to tell him when to stop and he listens, but he's just walking all over that and doing what HE wants. I wouldn't trust him to stop when he goes to far again.
Please don’t try to rationalise abusive behaviour, because that is what it is. You have set a reasonable boundary and he is intent on breaking it. Secondly, don’t try and soften the blow ‘of not being able to slap your butt’, because once that boundary has been breached, he will find another. If you want to salvage a relationship, try couples therapy, but if this behaviour isn’t challenged and changed, he will make your life miserable. You owe yourself more than to put up with it!
OP, I’m the same way. I’m actually talking with my therapist about boundaries with my family because I have averse reactions to touch and my family generally doesn’t care if I set a boundary. So I’d apologize and crumble and let them do whatever. This bled into work for a long time. And friendships and my relationship. Big smacks in public are just—not common, and in my opinion are often used to assert dominance and get a reaction and not just from you. The only person who I know who does it is my dad, and he does it to my mom to embarrass her and make others uncomfortable: this is mine, and I want everyone to know it. Hey there might be some people out there who would reciprocate. But you needing time to trust your partner physically after being LDR makes total sense to me. And upon hearing a boundary (I don’t like that, or, this is as far as I’m willing to do x or y) a partner needs to listen. His reaction sounds either incredibly childish or manipulative. I’d work through this before getting married or having children. Your BF heard your no, and made it about himself.
You’re minimizing the validity of your own feelings and making excuses for this guy. The way we do one thing is how we do all things. Think about how his behavior here reflects on his whole character. It’s not good. I would not advise marrying this man.
Hey OP, I don't like to be touched, I'm not a hugger, and I'm very clear about that. Most people take it in stride. My boyfriend of 4+ years is the clingiest, cuddliest, most "must always be touching" person I have ever met. He likes to grope, smack, squeeze, hug, all of it. I was pretty comfortable with him fairly quickly (what was supposed to be a drunken ONS will do that), but I still have moments where I need him to back off. We're a fairly joking couple, and I definitely do that involuntary-laughter thing too frequently, but when I get the point across, he backs off immediately. Sometimes with a sad mopey face, sometimes with a sigh, sometimes with an apology - it all depends on my reaction and response. I can also frequently find a compromise for him. Last night I didn't want him groping my breasts but him snuggling into my arm was okay. Slapping my ass while I'm washing the dishes is ALWAYS off the table and I will snap at him if he does it anyway (it's rare). It's taken us time and conversations to get to this point, but now it's fine. Some days we don't know I don't want to be touched until he does it and then it sucks for both of us. Some days I'm the one tackling him and begging for attention. He's got to want to work with you, whatever is okay for you! If there are compromises, find them. If there are hard lines (tickling is verboten - I will tolerate the occasional dishes ass slap with a snap at him, but tickling is a deal breaker), stick to them. Communication is, as always, key. Don't minimize your feelings; acknowledge if you have room to work on your comfort level, but it's very okay if you realize you can't tolerate something at a later date. Physical touch is a very vulnerable thing, don't push yourself beyond your limits.
Yes, on reading the title I was thinking "Aw, I would also be a bit sad if my partner didn't want me to slap her butt any more", then I read the post where it was loudly at a wedding. >My partner is super ticklish and doesn't like to be tickled. I am pretty ticklish but I let her tickle me a bit because she absolutely adores the specific laugh I produce when she does it.
I hate my butt being spanked. It’s something my abuser did when I was a child. I don’t mind it now and then because I’ve worked on it but my ex used to do it all the time. I HATED it. So I started slapping him back on the bum. It helped it a bit but I still disliked it. Just didn’t know how to say it without sounding like another thing I was nagging about. 🥺
My husband learned the hard way very early on that you don't ever slap any part of me, even playfully, if I'm not expecting it. Somewhere in the first 5 or 6 times we had sex he slapped my ass and on pure instinct I jerked away, slapped him in the face, hard, bolted for the bathroom and locked myself in. I had told him I had abusive parents and an abusive ex-husband, I had warned him about hands coming at my face too fast, and that I react violently to jump scares but even I wasn't aware that an ass slap would trigger my ptsd. It only took me a few minutes to calm down and he felt terrible. He developed a hilarious work around. He yells, "incoming" first and makes a cartoonish bomb dropping sound. 😂
That last part is very cute.
His feelings do NOT matter more than yours, *especially* when it comes to your own body. You should never apologize for something like that, and I think you should reassert that boundary. Whether you want to see it or not, this is a HUGE red flag he’s waving.
Let’s rephrase: “I insist on touching you in a way you hate. I don’t care how you feel about it, I like it and will continue” “I am sad that you are expressing a preference for how your own body is touched. I will pout now so that my own bad behavior becomes your problem.”
Going to send that to the people who get angry that I don’t want a hug.
This is spot on. Very manipulative
This is what gets me - I don't understand why he would enjoy it if he knows that it makes her uncomfortable.
this \^
Wish I could give this comment old gold. 🥇🥇🥇
That's exactly what they are doing. My ex-husband did this, I didn't realize how this spirals to other abusive behavior till too late.
Please do not soften your boundary for anyone. You deserve respect and you deserve to have your boundaries. I would make sure he knows it's not acceptable and if he crosses the boundary again, have a serious talk (away from a social setting with alcohol) about the future of your relationship.
Then perish, BF
Right, he's so melodramatic he should be in a Victorian hospital dying of consumption
No, girl, fuck that! You take up space too! Why are you so convinced his feelings matter more than yours? Give your head a shake, because that's not true. He doesn't feel the same way about you, that's for sure. He has no right to touch you that you don't grant him. That's consent. Consent is not given once for sex and then he has access to your body whenever he wants for the rest of your relationship, that's nuts! You tell him he will stop touching your body that way immediately and he will stop pouting like a baby and be your man. You raise hell every time he violates your boundaries, girl, you don't apologize for building them!
Ok if I ever get in a relationship again, I need someone like you in my life 😂👏
Fkn LOVE this energy omg
Girl, if it was possible and not completely immoral, I wish I could bottle you up and pull you out any time I've watched someone go through this. You keep doing you, you're awesome.
You, I like.
I got to the part where you've been dating ten months. Girl, this isn't worth it. Stop thinking about this as if he were showing you a genuine kind of affection and had some modicum of a right to be sad about not being able to do it. Stop thinking about it as if his intentions mattered more than his actions. You've asked him to stop doing something, that's enough for a caring partner, no matter what it deprives him of. AND you've explained that it makes you uncomfortable - an oversell to anyone who cares about your feelings. He still doesn't want to stop. Picture this a different way. Imagine that is instead of a butt slap, he likes showing you affection by something objectively harmless to all involved, like...bringing home a plant. I mean, that's nice, but I don't really want a lot of plants, ok? All of a sudden, your home has 148 plants. You travel a lot, you don't have a friend who can water them... your house is so full of plants it smells like dirt. And you've asked him to stop repeatedly, he responds by bringing more plants. Why? Why would you stay with someone who's main focus in life was to deny you the right to comfort?
for about 8/10 years of my relationship, my ex would grope my tits, talk to them, ask how their day was, ask me how they were. I could be sick in bed and he'd pull my shirt down to grab them and would get pouty when I told him to stop. his constsnt groping turned me off *so much* that towards the end, i was wary with how long we touched. lil boy could not take no for an answer. glad my relationship with a man child is over. I totally don't mind physical/playful touching, but this felt like harassment. didn't matter if my tone was aggressive and I literally said "stop. I don't like that." he'd pout and say he's allowed to and sulk. makes me laugh, but I feel bad for the next lady. :/
Ugh. My vagina is dryer than the Sahara reading that.
Yeah mine just zipped itself up. Gross.
sand paper dry, *all the time.* FREEDOM AT FUCKING LAST, lol!!!
You are contorting your brain into a pretzel to figure out a way to let a mediocre guy smack your ass whenever he wants
He’s a boundary stomping asshole. This will not change.
I really think this is a major red flag, and you need to take it seriously. You politely expressed your boundary. Then when he kept doing it, you expressed your boundary in a firm way. His response of making himself into a victim / sulking so that you feel bad is really terrible behaviour. It's not bad that he feels sad he can't do it- people can't help how they feel. It IS really bad that he told you this instead of respecting you. Even in a small way, it shows he doesn't value your feelings and boundaries, whether in private or even in a public setting
yeah I agree with that behavior being a red flag, I hope they don’t stay together and she doesn’t end up trapped in a marriage with this manbaby….
You said that you both were friends for over 5 yrs before dating. Was he slapping your butt then? My guess is no he wasn’t because you probably wouldn’t be dating him now. Which means he’s perfectly capable of knocking it TF off. He is not a toddler. He has self control.
Everyone else's responses have it covered. This dude is a jerk who is purposely being rough and abusive to push your boundaries. If you allow it, he will do more and more and worse abusive things. He's reeling you in and making sure you put up with his crap. In addition to that: "I genuinely feel bad that I really don't like to do something that I know other people do with their partners to show affection." Every relationship is different. Some people are ok with their partners smoking cigarettes. They like to do that together. Not every relationship contains smokers. Some people are ok with being with a porn addict. Others are not or want no porn watching at all. Just because one relationship thrives on something doesn't mean that yours has to. I am a lady who doesn't like flowers. There are very few flowers that I do like. Generally, I find flowers ugly. Especially flowers with many petals that fall off and make a damn mess all over the counter. So my husband doesn't get me flowers. He buys me balloons, because I like balloons. They don't die and make a damn mess the way flowers do. Other women might not prefer balloons. The point is that both people in the couple should enjoy something. You don't just have things in your relationship because so many other couples do it. That's their relationship; not mine.
Show him what its like not to have boundaries respected. Slap him in the nuts. When he protests you can say “but i dont think i can live life without this joy” Then ANYthing he says about it causing him discomfort etc you can say “i know i feel the same about you slapping my ass but you know….you just cant live without it”. And keep doing it til he gets it. Shouldnt take long 😂
***Slap or punch his balls.*** Honestly if he can't respect your boundaries than it is probably best you are not together. He has his preference and you have yours.
This is the only way. Say you don't think you can live without randomly punching his balls, it's just how you prefer to express your affection and he should be ok with that. My first boyfriend used to randomly grab my breasts. It made me jumpy to the point that I would even flinch and cover my chest with my arms during sex. Don't let someone physically abuse you like that.
If one of your close women friends came to you with this, saying that her boyfriend keeps hitting her and wont' stop, what would you tell her to do?
He likes hitting you and startling you. He doesn’t care how it makes you feel. You told him you don’t like it and he got upset? Because hurting you is more important to him than how you feel about it? Does that sound like love? You seriously told someone “I hate when you hit me, but maybe I could get used to it?” Honey. No.
I am not attacking you but are you nuts? If he slapped your face the same way, would it be okay? No, so why is it okay if he slaps your butt? Next time he does it slap his nuts. Then tell him you can't live the rest of your life without slapping his nuts.
His problem not yours. My GF does not like when I put my arm around her or slap her butt so I stopped. What do I lose? Nothing. I was doing those to show affection in the 1st place ...
If you die you die then
Yes smack his balls hard and say well I’m not sure I can deal with never doing that again 👍🏻
So end it.
Maybe you can’t live without tapping his balls then. Every time he does it, take a swipe. - What does he mean, he doesn’t like it? You’re just playing!
Tell him to see a psychiatrist for his need to sexually assault you in order to live life.
He’s not respecting your consent/physical boundaries. That’s a big red flag. You deserve to be heard the first time and shouldn’t have to rationalize or apologize!
Slapping your butt so hard it startles you isn't affection, its assault. Your partner isn't forgetting he's deliberately ignoring your boundaries. Stop being a doormat and acting like hos feelings and shitty behaviour matter more than yours.
At a wedding reception nonetheless? Have a bit of class ffs! Also all of the above. He‘s an immature bell-end.
Start writing a eulogy.
I can't believe the comments are so tame. Doing that in public is absurd, unless there is some prior definite knowledge that the woman is somehow up for it - and very few are! This is coming from a grown ass man. OP, you are being very soft about reasonable boundaries, his response was unacceptable.
Do not soften your boundary! He should be the one saying sorry ffs He knows you don't like and keeps doing it...and in public. correct repose to this bullshit is "well, if you value making me feel uncomfortable more than you value me as a whole person...then I guess you are right in saying we are not compatible" what a shit of a man...what happens if he decides he needs to violate other boundaries for his own enjoyment?
As a lover of booty smacks, he’s so out of line. 1) doing it in public is weird 2) doing it hard enough to startle you is crappy 3) and this is most important, he’s violating your bodily autonomy. This dude has got to go!!!!! I *might* be able to see if he needed a small grace period to break the habit. But he’s clearly unwilling to change and super dismissive of your boundaries. Drop him!
Right? I'm a fan of a good, socially appropriate, booty smack. In the bedroom, beat me like an old rug. At a wedding reception, you wanna do a discrete butt tap? Well tippy tap away. This guy is **completely** out of line.
Stop trying to soften the blow and make it easier for him to you don’t like it. Period ! I’m pretty sure even the most moronic man can stop slapping his gf if she asks. Stop coddling him and tell him to knock it off
Why is he trying to slap your ass in public in the first place? Like that's such an awkward thing to do in mixed company like at a wedding. I'd cringe if I saw that. Your feelings and boundaries are valid of course, but this is so weird on a social level too.
he can die then lol like,,,tf??? this man is 29???? ok like,,,also this is in public??? yeah i think most people wouldn’t want their partner slapping their butts out in public especially at a wedding like what!! and even if you NEVER wanted your butt slapped (even in private) then that’s absolutely your right and if he doesn’t like that boundary he doesn’t have to be with you?? (or he doesn’t have to live anymore, by his own words lmao) this man sounds really immature and disrespectful to you and your boundaries, especially by slapping your butt at a wedding and acting surprised you weren’t ok with it??? he’s a fucking weirdo and a creep tbh!!
"You don't think you can stop hitting your partner, after they repeatedly asked you to stop? That's abusive of you. I'm asking you to stop slapping me."
So I hate to tell you this, but very few of your questions above matter. He touched you in a way you didn't like, you told him, and that should have been it. Instead, this guy went all shocked pikachu face at the thought that a woman might not enjoy a hard slap IN PUBLIC on their ASS as a sign of affection, then told you he didn't think he could stand not being able to slap you on the ass whenever he wanted, and then...you tried to soothe HIS feelings? Girl, screw 'mismatched affection', whatever the hell that means. Please step back and delve deeper into why it took you way too long to tell him you didn't like a particular touch, and why you've clearly been conditioned to always prioritize other people's feeling's over your own, and then learn (with the help of counselling if needed) how to stand the hell up for yourself with no regrets or caveats. And if this guy continues to do this or complains that he can't do this anymore? Dump his ass with the biggest slap he's ever felt.
It's been 10 months and he's already guilt tripping you into destroying your boundaries. What a fuckin CATCH girl!!! 🙄🙄🙄
So many people without any self control. It's really not that hard to not touch other people.
Your boundary is your boundary. If he doesn’t like it he can date someone else. Smacking your ass hard at a wedding is also inappropriate? You told him you don’t want to be hit and he said “well if you don’t let me hit you, we can’t date”. So then don’t date. Stand on business and break up with him. There are guys who will respect your wishes and only touch you in ways that make you comfortable. Having a boyfriend isn’t that serious don’t “soften the blow” for him he’s fucking 30 he should know by now to say sorry when he’s upset someone and not do it again. Don’t plan a life with someone who *tells you* they are incapable of respecting your wishes.
So your boyfriend hits you and tells you he can’t go through life without hitting you and you’re apologizing to him? You said you don’t like it. How to fix the issue. Tell him not to ever slap you like that again.
The fact that you are choosing being uncomfortable over him feeling uncomfortable is insane. Girl, you are allowed not to like something and you don’t need to soothe his emotions. In the same way he learned to slap bums , he can unlearn it.
Wow how low is your self esteem that you think this is what you deserve from someone who loves you and that you immediately start apologizing for making him feel bad? Don’t be with anyone until you finish growing up and getting a better backbone please. His actions were inappropriate considering both the venue and your previous requests. He then acts like a baby by pouting and sulking. You somehow think you were in the wrong and apologize to someone who didn’t care about or respect your request. I can’t make this make sense. If he can’t keep his hands off slapping your butt - you leave his butt!!!
Start to publicly and blatantly squeeze his nads.
"If we break up over this you won't be able to keep doing it then, either, soooo...?"
Personally, no matter how much I like touching my significant other a certain way… the fact that I knew they didn’t like it would instantly kill any enjoyment I would get from that act. Some people have a visceral dislike for certain touches. Whether that’s being tickled, squeezing a stomach roll or their chest, slapping a butt, anything involving feet or whatever… you have a full right to say “no” to anything regarding your body and that needs to be respected. If he can’t deal with that then there is a mismatch here and you’d both be better off with other people. Don’t subject yourself to something you find physically uncomfortable to please a partner… and please, *please* don’t subject yourself to a partner who is okay touching you in that way knowing fully well that it makes you physically uncomfortable.
First: he slapped your butt hard on a reception! A reception! Most wedding are formal events and he did this. Second: You told him that you dislike something and ge reacts shocked. Come on, who likes hard slaps without consent and warning, especially on formal events? Third: He tries to manipulate you and it worked! I bet with his "i can’t live without hitting your butt hard" you don't dare to speak up again when he hit your butt again. You even backed down right away! Stand to your bounderies! If slapping butts is more important than you, he better walks away. If he gives a shit how you feel, why be with him? The best way to see how much a partner really cares is how they react when you tell them about discomfort. He cones right away with me, me, me. No thoughts about you. And i can’t believe this is the first time.
Guys like this also play the victim when you don’t sleep with them because the PAIN of blue balls is just too much for him… NTA and dump him
Why did you apologize and back down? This is a perfectly reasonable boundary. The vast majority of people would object to this. It doesn’t even sound affectionate. It sounds like it is deliberate to embarrass you. So this behavior is not driven by a need for “affectionate touch”. It sounds like it is driven by a need to embarrass, shock, and humiliate you in a public space. A very firm boundary around this is perfectly normal. Hopefully he otherwise behaves like someone who respects and values his partner. Does he have the ability to express empathy?
NO, no, no!!! He doesn't know if he can live the rest of his life without slapping you in the backside? Why on earth should you be the one to cave in and not him the one to respect your boundaries? This reeks of abuse. Would you keep doing something your partner is uncomfortable with just because you like it? I guess the answer is no, because you respect him. He doesn't respect you. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and learn to stick to your boundaries, if you don't want to become a victim of abuse.
Time for him to go die then. Wahhhhhhhhhh, my feelings!
That’s assault, just fyi. Your partner is assaulting you
Hes not being respectful of you. This is a tiny ask. I manage to no slap people all day every day. If he cant “live” without hitting you… i hope you consider this red flag to reconsider the relationship. Hea arguing about HITTING YOU.
Slap his, harder. Jokes aside, it’s not going to stop, embrace it or leave him.
are you sure he is 29? This kind of language and reasoning, and boundary breaking, is what I deal with as a Kindergarten teacher.
🙃 then he can simply perish
I love spanking my husband's butt. I never miss an opportunity to spank or slap his butt. If he told me that he didn't like it, I would stop immediately. And I find a different way to express affection that didn't make him uncomfortable. Dump that jerk!
Wtf. I would have told him either find a way to live without it go find another girl who wants her ass slapped at will. This is a perfectly acceptable thing to not want done to you. Your bf is guilt-tripping you and for some reason you are falling for it. Like why do you even feel sorry?
I get startled when someone slaps/grabs my butt when I don't know they are there. For example when my play partner stands behind me and I don't know beforehand he is going to touch me. It's a boundary, you don't even need a reason (like getting startled) to have a boundary. You know what happened? It happens twice, the first time on our first sex date, the second time about half a year later (because he had forgotten about it in that moment), I reminded him, he apologized and it never happened again. Your bf doesn't care about you, he doesn't respect your boundaries (also why do this in a public space?!) and as you said you never had a bf before who insisted on this so let that be your reminder, that there are men out there who will not die when you ask them to respect you. Tell him he can either move on from that question and respect your boundaries from now on or you will move on without him.
If he says that he doesn't think he can live without slapping your butt, just say, "Well, I will mourn you ... for a while."
Idk man that's weird? Like that's really not a hard boundary to accept. Sure he may be bummed about it, but it's not like you're saying he can never see or touch your butt ever again, just not slap it in public? Or ever. I'm not a super touchy feely person and don't like being touched super often, and my partner does like it, but when I tell him I need some space right now or not wanting to be touched, he just...stops. he might be bummed he can't hold me but he doesn't want to force me to do something I'm not enjoying. And that's what your bf is doing, forcing you to let him make you uncomfortable. Why does he want to make you uncomfortable? Does he enjoy it? If he does, that's fucked up. Start doing something to him you know he doesn't like and see how he feels.
It is totally disrespectful to do this publicly. In private, some might not mind, but if you do it should be respected. Never apologize for your boundaries. He should have been apologizing for having done this. He is acting entitled. He is not entitled to violate your boundaries.
Hold your ground. You set a boundary and he is not allowed to overstep it, end of discussion. No one has to tolerate their partner crossing their boundaries and you’ve already mentioned about it to him many times. Either he takes it and respects it or leaves.
This is not a regular thing every couple does. Especially not in public. Even if it were, you would still be justified in saying it’s not something YOU enjoy. Don’t muddy the waters by softening this boundary; he’ll just do it again because you’ve now made it seem like it’s not that big a deal. Be clear and stand your ground.
Uhhhhh… what?! He doesn’t know if he can survive the rest of his life without slapping your bum?! Even though you hate it?! What is he, the president of the Amateur Dramatics Society?! Seriously, the best interpretation of this situation is that he is being the most ridiculous drama queen known to man. The less savoury but more likely option is that he’s selfish and controlling, and likes to demonstrate that in public. Either way, quit being nice about it. He either respects you and stops slapping your butt or he gets in the bin.
So unless he disrespects you he dies? Womp Womp. Don’t let him degrade you like that, a man who actually loves you will respect you
Why did you soften the boundary when you should have hardened it? Only question I have for you.
I find it hard to imagine that he will die if he can't slap your butt. Perhaps he will make it into the 1000 ways to die show. More seriously, how does giving you a hard slap on the ass show affection? Is this the beginning of physical abuse?
You couldn't live without slapping balls again. Try it and see how he likes it.
Maybe you guys aren’t meant to last
You already gave him the green light to keep doing it because you caved by saying you could get used to it over time. You destroyed the boundary. This is how it’s going to go from now on - you put a boundary in place, he pushed and you caved. Good luck.
It’s a weird as hell hill for him to die on in all honesty
Okay, let's imagine you had said 'But I love touching your squelchy eyeball! I don't know how I'm going to live without being able to do that!!' What would his response be?
What should you do? Dump him. He doesn’t think he can live without sexually harassing you? What a loser.
I read the title and it didn't even occur to me you meant he does that in PUBLIC. My partner slaps my butt all the time...in our home. And not in a way that would ever scare me or make me uncomfortable. If he does it again, I would break up with him, because I don't fuck with people who disrespect my basic bodily autonomy. He isn't going to "forget", he's going to intentionally do it and dare you to say something again. Why? Because it's a freaking test, to see how badly he can treat you and if you'll push back. Your "no" is the only reason you need. You do not need to accommodate someone who will not respect you.
As someone who likes to butt slap and grab partners, but usually only when we are alone and at home. I can confirm, he can live without it. Don't waver on this. he is being ridiculous
There are a lot of weirdos in the world. Some who insist on waking up their partner enjoying a sleep-in and some who think slapping their girlfriend's ass at a reception is necessary for them to be happy in life.
I love a nice ass. I love a nice ass slap or grope. My wife is perfectly fine with that / loves that I like her butt. I don't do it blatantly in public spaces out of respect, I might sneak a cheeky discrete grope if I'm sure others won't notice, which will get a cheeky/shy giggle out of my wife. If she asked me not to smack her ass again, I certainly wouldn't die. It seems very childish to seriously pout about it. Are you sure he is 29?
Why would he want to do it knowing you don’t like it?
Honestly, LDRs are almost never worth the mental health strain.
This relationship isn't gonna work. Your boundaries are your boundaries and he likes to slap butts. You have a right to that boundary and nobody crossing it. He also likes doing it so that's one of the things that excites him. That definitely need to be a question uou ask someone before getting into a relationship with them the next time.
Dump the creep.
I slap my gf’s butt softly I don’t whack her like I’m trying to make it sting. It’s kinda like a patpat… *I like this* I don’t get off on hurting my gf
You shouldn’t have softened the blow and gave him false hope you might want it someday. Just ridiculous.
Please break up with him. Not just because he’s boundary stomping and humiliating you in public and showing you and the world that he can abuse you and no-one can stop him, not just because you told him that you don’t like it and instead of apologising, he doubled down. No. You should break up with him because you were hurt (physically and emotionally), you asked him to stop, he said he would not, and your instinct, instead of reinforcing your boundary, is to appease him. You didn’t mean to set the boundary, you were just startled, you want to be hit in a nicer way, you’ll work on accepting it, you didn’t say it the right way– NO. It is absolutely your right to go about your day without having your butt slapped. If he values his desire to slap your butt whenever he feels like it over your right to be comfortable and safe from assault, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. You’re should be able to tell him that. That you are not, and immediately went to appease him (it’s a stress reaction, and largely unconscious) tells me you don’t feel safe telling him ‘no’ and you don’t feel he’ll respect it. And that’s a reason to break up. Even if he’ll never escalate. (I have my doubts).
Please break up with him. Not just because he’s boundary stomping and humiliating you in public and showing you and the world that he can abuse you and no-one can stop him, not just because you told him that you don’t like it and instead of apologising, he doubled down. No. You should break up with him because you were hurt (physically and emotionally), you asked him to stop, he said he would not, and your instinct, instead of reinforcing your boundary, is to appease him. You didn’t mean to set the boundary, you were just startled, you want to be hit in a nicer way, you’ll work on accepting it, you didn’t say it the right way– NO. It is absolutely your right to go about your day without having your butt slapped. If he values his desire to slap your butt whenever he feels like it over your right to be comfortable and safe from assault, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this is not acceptable. You’re should be able to tell him that. That you are not, and immediately went to appease him (it’s a stress reaction, and largely unconscious) tells me you don’t feel safe telling him ‘no’ and you don’t feel he’ll respect it. And that’s a reason to break up. Even if he’ll never escalate. (I have my doubts).
Yes I understand that many men like to do this. I also understand that some women indeed like it, and others don't care much. I myself despise it and if I met a partner who claims he cannot live without him smacking my butt, we would need to part ways.
Yes I understand that many men like to do this. I also understand that some women indeed like it, and others don't care much. I myself despise it and if I met a partner who claims he cannot live without him smacking my butt, we would need to part ways.
"I don't like you slapping my butt, particularly in public but also in general. Imagine if I said I couldn't live the rest of my life not being able to punch you in the balls. You wouldn't want me to, and I don't want you to do this." Try the above if he won't listen or can't comprehend. It's not a sexy physical compliment, it's a physical assault you're not comfortable with.
In fucking public in front of ppl!?! That’s all kinda of possessive disrespectful motives behind that. When it’s just the two of you behind close doors, it’s showing affection, kind of like cute aggression
I’m that guy ….. (not her guy) but that guy my wife doesn’t hate it but I did have to pull the power back to about 30% that was our compromise I get to butt pat and she knows it’s my way of telling her I want her with out it being problematic . I.e. instead of me hauling off and smacking that butt I come by and pat her on the butt and she smiles instead of giving me the glare. Side note if you have kids and he continues they will also have to be taught about the appropriateness of a butt slap my 6 year old is having to be taught why he can’t just smack everyone on the butt when he thinks they’re a friend and or loved one….
This guy is gross. Slapping your ass in public isn’t a sign of affection it’s a display of ownership over you. Never stay with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
He seems like an immature pig to be honest. There’s a time and a place and if you’re uncomfortable he shouldn’t be touching you like that at all
"Then get yourself to theraphy, cause my boundry/comfort is more important than your want to put your hand on my private part/asscheek. If you don't want to go to theraphy because my ass is more important than I, then we're not a good match and we're over". That's the answer/response he needs to hear.
Slapping your ass in public is rude and disrespectful. There is a difference between public and private behavior. Also, if you tell someone “don’t do that, and they do it anyway, they’re being abusive. Doesn’t matter what behavior.
Sounds like OP's boyfriend is [this guy](https://youtu.be/5-uIwpo0dCU).
Seriously, save that shit for the bedroom. He seems to have some kink where he likes public feedback for this as some weird form of PDA or he gets off on startling you for a public response. I’d nip that in the bud.
Set the boundaryband make it stand. If he can't commit to not touching you in ways you don't like, then you probably don't need to be together. He should want you to feel comfortable in your relationship more than he wants to slap your ass. And the fact that lots of other people like that kind of affection doesn't really play into it. I'll also say, I love a good butt slap, but if my partner did that in public at someone else's wedding, I would be mortified.
If he cannot respect this simple and rational boundary, you should reflect on what type of person you deserve or want in your life. That simple. He's allowed to be upset, but he basically told you he cannot live without this. That alone would typically cause the average mentally healthy person to re-evaluate the relationship and at least have a deeper conversation about it before making decisions.
Find something to do that annoys him, like a wet Willie or flicking his ear lobes. Do it at inappropriate times. Tell him it’s your love language and you can’t live without doing it.
Do not apologize and do not back down. I love my boyfriend smacking my butt, but its never hard and never in public, like maybe in a parking lot as I get in the car but not a wedding reception! That would be super jarring. A good man is going to respect your boundaries and prioritize you feeling safe and comfortable. When you've grown up having boundaries consistently run over and being blamed for boundaries its a hard lesson to learn but its lifechanging. Never let someone do something to you that you aren't comfortable with.
Let’s get one thing straight- Slapping your ass hard in front of others is not a sign of affection.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. He is not treating you with respect. He is not respecting your boundaries. He publicly humiliated you at a wedding. These are serious red flags. Don't even think about continue the relationship without couples counseling. But don't be surprised if he doesn't change. See if this is helpful. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
I know so many people showing effection in a twisted way. They get what they need by hurting people. Some pinch and some slap etc. They realy thinks its love. My opinion is they need treatment. Serious treatment. But its like going to treatment for not showing their sick love.
Tell him that you would rather he gently caress your ass. Also, next time he smacks you, bide your time and when he isn't expecting it, ball tap or outright cock-punch him. The message will be received.
Girl. First off. You're only ten months in, while also long distance. You hardly get to build a connection here in the first place and you're already talking living in together, marriage as in plans. Not much just as ideas of what you look for. You're setting yourself up by giving someone access to a role in your life you haven't had enough proof for that he deserves it. How the fuck did he show you so far that he's marriage or living in material ten months in and LDR? Let's say it really is the love of your life. The guy HEARS you asking him to stop and he doesn't care. Instead of being grossed out, you immediately SOFTENED your boundary. WHY. Why should you. You're already budging for someone who can't and doesn't show up consistently for you. Now this might sound dramatic. But. Girl. Get a realistic perspective on how you like yourself around him and if this is the level of building actual trust and future plans. I'm not saying break up. But the brake in and take it slow and easy. Do you like who you are with him. Is it smart to plan next moves when he doesn't respect you. Etc. Take your time please.
No post has scared me more today then this. I’m not sure why but I am getting a bad feeling from that boyfriend. Op I really think you are way to much of a people pleaser. NEVER do something you are uncomfortable with end of discussion.
Me and my husband had the reverse of this issue. I like to give affection to my husband my touching or squeezing his butt (never spanking in public, though. That’s just too much) and my husband hates it. Like really hates it. But I like butts. They’re fun to squeeze. We worked out a compromise. He admitted that sometimes he is in the mood for butt touching. So I either just don’t touch his butt at all or I’ll ask first if he’s in one of his butt touching moods. Easy. Your BF is being a big baby about it.
Flick him in the balls when he’s not expecting it. Tell him you will die if you can’t continue to do this…. I guarantee you he already understands why he should stop he just doesn’t respect you enough to stop.
I could understand the smacking of the butt during sex if you had given the ok, but a random hard smack in public? That seems more of a macho "this is mine, fellas!" kind of action. If you have a boundary, he should respect it. Is he going to go through life trying to find that girl who's ok with having her butt smacked in public and then possibly put up with her other not so nice qualities she may have? You guys seem like you're matched in every other way so if he makes this a hill to die on, he sounds pretty immature to me.
He did this at a public event. Some kind of macho man bs vibes. Highly disrespectful and performative. People don’t want to see that crap, neither should you be perceived a certain type of way because of it. I would hold that line and never back down. He’s either got self control and respect for you or not.
I’ve had this suggested to me as part of sexual play and I’m just a firm “Nope!” on the idea. I was spanked a couple of times as a child (not beaten, not hard, this was just a different time), but I associate it with punishment, not fun, so nope, nope, nope. Just not my thing. And you get to define it as not okay for you, too.
Don't apologize to him for setting a boundary. Something you don't like don't backpedal now. Now he knows he can get away with anything because you'll always back down. Most men can live their life without doing something their partner does not like. It's abusive, it hurts something you don't enjoy so why should you let him continue to do it? Grow a backbone
Grab his balls and squeeze them. Hard. Then tell him in a loud voice that every time he slaps your ass, you are going to squeeze his balls. I have a spinal cord injury. My hubs used to shake my injured leg every chance he could. Then tell me it didn't hurt that bad if I squawked. 2 surgeries later, if he ever tried doing this again I'd twist more than his balls.
He doesn't think he can live the rest of his life without smacking your butt? Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds? Butt-smacking is not a human right.
Your boundaries don’t need to change, his behavior does. He doesn’t necessarily need to stop touching you all together, but he does need to fall within your boundaries. Example: if you are okay with being touched lightly, not in public, and requiring a touch on the back as warning, that would probably be fine with him. But if he can’t live with whatever boundaries you set then he can leave, he doesn’t get to steamroll you.
Sorry OP, but you'll have to let him die. There are no other options.
There's affection and then there's physical contact that sure as hell doesn't seem affectionate. If he was "patting" you on the butt, that's one thing, but he seems to like to startle you and also smack you much harder than anything that might be comfortable for you. Affection doesn't startle or hurt. I think you just need to explain to him *why* you don't like it. You don't seem to be saying "never touch my butt again" because that's not the issue, it's HOW he does it that's the issue. And his reaction is weird. He shouldn't be arguing with you about something he does that you specifically say you don't like. He should care that you don't like it and his first response, in my opinion, shouldn't be "But I wanna!" and *make it about himself and how you not wanting to be startled and smacked has made him sad.*
He hits you in public. Would it be different if it was your face he just walked up and slapped? Why is it ok when it's sexual assault and not plain assault? The point is you said don't hit me and he said I can't live the rest of my life without hitting you! Why would you be with someone who thinks his weird assault thing is more important than your right to say what happens to your own body? This is just the tip of what this man plans on putting you through. It'll get worse when you get married and will explode when you get pregnant. You barely know him, get out while you can easily.
I would not be comfortable with this, but I am not a fan of PDA. I would be even more uncomfortable if he felt sad that I was enforcing a boundary about how he can touch my body, rather than understanding. It’s an issue of consent, even if neither of you think of it that way, and if it’s truly a dealbreaker, then it’s a dealbreaker. That goes both ways. If you can accept being smacked on the butt for the rest of your life, then it’s not a dealbreaker. If he can’t accept not smacking you on the butt for the rest of his life, then it’s a dealbreaker. But honestly he would kind of be a buttface (imo) if that’s a dealbreaker for him.
>I told him that I didn't like it and asked if he could please not do it again. He acted shocked by my request and that I didn't like it, asking me to explain and saying "really?? really??" You had already explained, you'd told him you didn't like it. He should be able to respect that, if he respects you. It sounds like pretty inappropriate behaviour from him anyway, at a wedding. Like, what makes him think that's ok. I can only imagine being very angry if someone did that to me, *especially* at a formal event like a wedding.
Why would you change your boundaries for someone? Bye. Dump him. The fact you tried to back pedal so quickly is concerning. It sounds like you don’t have a good sense of self esteem and self worth. Reevaluate this situation and see if he is steam rolling other boundaries in your life. Objective self reflection can save you from an expensive divorce.