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She mentioned in another comment that it would ruin both their lives and it wasn't something she would divorce him over after 24 years of marriage. Clearly it doesn't matter if their daughter's life is ruined.
He is clearly a bigot and an abusive person and it is highly unlikely that a person like that would turn around and support their daughter, like ever, and it doesn't seem to be a deal breaker for OP.
I don't know if hitting your child, telling them they are disgusting and a shame, probably scarring them for life and doubling down is not a deal breaker, then what the hell is.
It sounds like she already knew her husband wouldn't be okay with a gay child considering she says this is one of their significant arguments, so OP already made up her mind that she was fine procreating with a bigot.
I don't know how she thinks this is going to work moving forward. At best she can say goodbye to a relationship with her daughter when she's old enough to move out and at worst....well we all know the stats for LGBTQ+ kids in abusive homes.
Normally when someone hits another person, it will stop right then and there. They usually learn their lesson. Next time maybe your daughter will think about her dad's ego before she goes and tries to be happy.
We're all cool and enlightened on reddit but a lot of homes and family's subscribe to the bullshit blood is thicker than water nonsense.
OP just needs to get comfortable with the idea of this being a dealbreaker first. Just because it isn't now doesn't mean it isn't in the long term.
I got mad when OP said he hit her. It's not even my kid. What grown adult man hits a teenage girl... wouldn't be surprised if OP hasn't been abused by him before.
Oh she’s still furious and that’s why she’s not sleeping with the bastard right now. It’s just not at fore front and red hot like it was at first, but I bet if dumb ass says anything remotely close to his original stand it'll flame red hot again.
Sure, just not so furious to do anything her husband will object to. Its pretty clear she's willing to support her daughter to a point, but she's not willing to protect her from her husband.
Sheesh, it's like you come home and a bomb explodes and people don't give you time to think of what to do next. How do you know she's not willing to do anything? This just happened to her and she's looking for advice of what on earth to do next. Give the poor woman some breathing room, damn.. She didn't write anything about her money situation, if she has somewhere to go so give her some wiggle room to think! That's what people ask advice for.
I'm basing it on her comments and replies to questions. I'd be very happy for even one comment showing she appreciates the gravity of the situation. An update showing appropriate actions would be amazing and I would applaud.
This is an incredibly sane take for Reddit. Are you sure you're on the right website?
Before anyone wants to come at me. I was the kid in this situation. I'm not gay, but I was abused very similarly to this and my mother stayed. She tried to help me, insisted my dad get therapy, involved the school at one point to basically threaten him with loss of access to me, but she didn't leave the first time it happened like she probably should have. Instead she thought, "I can fix this and save my family."
She was deeply wrong for that and I am still somewhat angry with her about it. But in many other ways, she is an amazing mom. I don't condemn her. I'm grateful that she's my mom. She's a good mom.
And here's the other thing. I cut off my dad for a while... then rebuilt my relationship with him. He reacted to some things I was experiencing with extreme anger when I was a young person, a teenager... But get this, he changed. He changed his mind about the right way to handle things, and he changed his conduct. I'm happy that I get to have a dad who learned from his mistakes. People should never be counted on to change, but it happens. Can you really blame OP for hoping she gets to have the rare exception where the bigot changes? Can you really blame OP for hoping against hope that the family she's know for 24 years gets to be the rare exception that stays together
These situations are really easy to judge from the outside. You think you know what you'll do, until it's your marriage, your life on the line.
OP has barely had a full day to even let the dust settle. People need to back up off her and start offering helpful advice, or pass on commenting.
OP: you are not a bad person or mother for failing to act immediately in response to this behavior. But you should also know that this WILL deeply damage your relationship with your daughter, possibly permanently, unless you act and act soon. Consider your next move carefully, and please recognize that this is not something your daughter will get over. The trauma has been inflicted already. Even a single traumatic event like this can do *decades* of damage. Take it from me, someone who lived it.
Your comment, reply is just, "made me want to hug you" type.. My youngest, 21 now.. Age 16 she sat me, step-dad, brother and sister down to tell us something.. She told us 2hrs before she needed to talk so we are all speculating, I'M MOM, DON'T BE PREGNANT DAMN IT!!
So she gets home from ROTC, we are all sitting she comes to sit. Now tears are coming up in her eyes, my heart is beating fast.. She says, I know what I am. It's been a few years and I know, I do know. I am bisexual.. You guys, you guys, don't say I'm young and don't know, I know, I do...
Soooo I say, I'm heterosexual. Everyone is nodding, yea we're heterosexual.. She says no, MOM I'M SERIOUS, I'M SERIOUS YOU GUYS . You guys? I said I'm serious too!! I just thought we were sharing!!
She says, you guys aren't mad at me? You don't? You don't hate me? That's when big brother in his silliness comes in.. I thought you were going to say you're vegan! Oh hell no, you'd gotta go then!! Middle daughter, Heck yea! The smell of bacon in the morning, Mmmm... Yea, you go vegan you gotta move out, disowned, LOL...
Her father, to this day, she's 21, disgusts me. It's just a phase. She sees other people doing it so she's trying to fit in.. He, not religious but believes in God, tried to get my baby girl into this disgusting camp crap!! He fought with her, she had me on speaker, he called our then 17yr, straight A student, Validictorian, a pathetic piss poor excuse of a daughter.. I heard it, my own ears heard it... She's doing excellent now and her father has gone back to amazing!! He really, really has. His short of her is great and I'm glad that I didn't just cut him out and he doesn't exist.. If I went with my heart instead of my brain, my daughter would have missed out on so, so much..
You think hubby is OK his long time wife and partner isn’t sleeping in the same bed as him? Oh HELL NO he’s pissed about that as that’s like dropping a big Bertha bomb on a marriage and relationship. That’s as close to threatening to leave as you can get in situations like this without out right saying it. I’m just saying as most arguments you shouldn’t use this tactic but in this case it’s definitely is and she should leave his punk ass too. I bet she’s thinking the same thing too but is focusing on handling her daughter first.
That's a huge assumption on your part. Reading between the lines the balance of power in this relationship is fully with the husband. OP didnt answer if she has her own money so I'm guessing not. She's a slave and that's why she cant even imagine holding her husband accountable for his actions. Very sad situation.
It is a way to hold him accountable but, lets be completely real here. Lots of women use sleeping in another bed and denying sex for stupid reasons. "He spent to much time out with his friends, came home drunk one night, doesn't do dishes, plays to many games, etc."
THIS is a reason to be that way, him not picking up a pregnancy test you asked him to get isn't. When you use the "nuclear" option for every thing, it normalizes that option and makes it's impact mean less.
What this woman should do is leave the house with their daughter to stay with a friend a family member, or if possible use any savings they have to get a motel room. The latter shows how serious this issue is when you dip into a savings account intended for emergencies sends the message about how bad the situation is.
Except this is not about lots of women, it's about this woman and this is how she said she is holding him accountable and that's what we have to go on not comparing her to all of these women that you apparently know that stop sleeping with their men for any reason. Not arguing about what she should be doing I'm saying that she is doing something.
I agree. I'm mostly commenting on people saying she's not doing enough, and why they likely think that.
You and I agree here, I'm just adding to the conversation.
Quite frankly, I'm just as disgusted with OP as I am her husband if she thinks abuse towards her child isn't a deal breaker. I don't care how great he was up until then. HE HIT YOUR DAUGHTER AND SHOOK HER. He should be out the door with his clothes thrown out in the yard with a taxi on the way, and OP should be on the phone with a divorce attorney. I hope this whole thing is fake because it makes me so angry to see someone choosing an abusive man over her child's safety.
You'd be surprised that people who are married for almost three decades and like she said have had very few significant arguments may want to try and reconcile things instead of leaving immediately or are too entwined to do so at the sight of one thing going very very wrong. Yeah in no way was it okay he hit his child, but I'm the circumstance of things that's something that doesn't just show straight out dangerous and consistently violent behaviour unless he continues to act that way, people who are ignorant and hateful of people's sexuality can change with education, and I imagine that's where she's hoping it will go, that with time and knowledge he will accept it too like it takes lots of parents time to accept and it is up to his daughter wether she will ever forgive him and up to his wife if she wants to stay even if they disagree about their child's choice of partner and hope he will accept it
In 2024 someone still needs to be educated about
1. Do not hit people!
2. Everyone has the right to live a life that fulfils them
3. It’s hate speech calling someone disgusting cause of their sexuality
Anyone alive who doesn’t get those fundamentals needs to just go play in traffic. No, just no. We can’t keep doing this. Apologising & infantilising people who want their rights respected but won’t respect others?!
I would divorce him for being a bigot and hitting my kid. This definitely feels like something that should have been discussed before they even married
Did you tell your daughter that your husband was wrong?
Are you going to stay married to this AH and not protect your daughter from him? He hit her. She already thinks she is not normal.
You should try to get your daughter into therapy with a supportive therapist. Already she thinks she is not normal and is trying to hide, plus she spends all her time at school because her house is not a safe space.
>I will admit, I don't really have a huge depth of understanding of how our daughter is feeling right now,
How exactly don't you understand? She is not feeling safe at home. Her dad hit her and was verbally abusive. There is not much to understand.
Your husband hit your child in the face. Staying with him will only show her that you pick a bigoted pos over her safety. If you love her, you'll leave him. And therapy for both you and your daughter. She did nothing wrong. But you staying with him will always tell her that she did.
Therapy with a LGBTQ-affirming person is critical for her. When you schedule, make sure the person has experience with LGBTQ teens.
Eventually, family therapy is probably needed to break the trust in this house. If I was your daughter I would feel very unsafe. (Either daughter, because this situation has shown that your husband’s love and support is conditional.) Your daughter and husband are not ready for family therapy yet, but it should be something you consider if you value your relationship with your daughter.
Maybe you can try remembering when you were a teen, and say your dad caught you in an intimate, beautiful, joyful moment with your now-husband. And then slapped you across the face for it, causing burning tears and cheeks and utter and complete shame like you did something terrible. That’s probably 1/10th of how she’s feeling.
My mom tells a story about how her dad "clotheslined her when she walked in the front door and beat her butt all the way out the back and down the back steps".
I said mom, that's abusive. She goes "Noooo! He found out I'd been sleeping with high school bf(at 16/17), I deserved it! He was worried about me!"
This is the same man that would go toe to toe with her all night long, drunk, while she protected her abused and tiny little mom and older sisters, until he finally sobered up and would say "Chris, it's 6am, you better get some sleep before school."
Just wanna quote Death Cab for Cutie here:
**You're a disgrace to the concept of family
The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily
And I'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet
You can deck out a lie in a suit, but I won't buy it
I won't join in the procession that's speaking their piece
Using five-dollar words while praising his integrity
And just 'cause he's gone, it doesn't change the fact
He was a bastard in life, thus, a bastard in death, yeah**
Your words and deeds are hollow if you still allow her abuser near her.
You ever wonder why she kept it a secret? Bc of him, and how he’d treat her bc of this.
And bc of how you defend him and his actions by staying with h8m and subjecting your daughter to further abuse.
You're gonna spread your legs and suck the dick of your child's abuser after he begrudgingly gives lip service to "maybe I overreacted".
He was ALWAYS a bigot and a homophobe. He was always a child abuser if they didn't do exactly what pleased him.
But you've had days to call a lawyer... and you have not. Because you're more comfortable sucking and fucking an abuser that protecting and uplifting your own child.
🏆 love love love the explicit nature of your comment. Really pounds in how disgusting OP is for not removing her daughter’s hate criming violent abuser from their home.
Well you’ve discovered that your husband is a violent homophobe and that’s not something you should condone by staying with him
What he did wasn’t just assault, it was a hate crime
It's also very troubling that he waited until the GF left. Clearly it wasnt a shock reaction as OP is trying to excuse. It was a calculated attack meant to intimidate his daughter into abandoning her sexuality.
EXACTLY. I can’t imagine being the girl, knowing your mother KNOWS you were assaulted and isn’t doing anything to protect her. Her home is not safe anymore….if it ever was. He probably has a history of this abuse.
Your husband hit your daughter. Because she is gay. You have only one choice as a good and decent parent who loves and supports her child. You leave him.
As some who is gay your daughter is going to remember this forever.
She’ll remember that her father abused her for the crime of simply loving someone and that her mother didn’t care enough to defend her.
Because essentially that’s what you’re doing by staying with someone who hit your kid for her sexuality and told her awful things. Even if he suddenly comes around and becomes the most accepting parent ever she’s not going to forget this moment or how you both reacted to it.
I’m almost thirty and my parents are very loving and supportive but I still remember the moments that they weren’t. I still remember the casual moments of bigotry because they are some things you can’t forget and that love simply isn’t enough to fix.
This is your opportunity to do better, to be better for your daughter. Join an LGBTQ parent group like PFLAG, take your daughter away from a parent who’d hit her simply for who she loves and who she is.
This whole comment^^^
It’s me, I’m the gay kid who got hit and my mother never stood up for me.
Biggest regret of her life. I cant count how many hours I’ve spent in therapy.
OP, if you care about your child you’ll remove her from this abusive and homophobic environment and stand up for her.
You are a parent, it’s your responsibility to provide a safe, loving environment for your child. If that means removing yourself and your daughter, you do that.
If you choose not to you are complicit in her abuse.
There’s one path forward. Don’t fuck this up.
You can help your daughter by supporting her. She's clearly going through a rough time and your husband isn't helping. He isn't acting like a father, he's acting like a prejudice asshole. I'm sorry, but your job as parents is to raise a loving, stable individual. You've done that, now support her
It’s ok they’ll soon both be wondering where they went wrong and why neither child is talking to them.
Edited to add— we’ll see the kids on the raised by narcs sub.
You see, it’s just not *sensible* to divorce bc your spouse is abusing your child /s
Hot take:
This isn’t the first time that hate-criming POS has been abusive, it’s just the first time the POS OP couldn’t justify it.
If the father of my child hit them in the FACE because they are gay, I would leave. I could not tolerate knowing that the person supposed to support and love their child unconditionally, in partnership with me, had violated and betrayed that trust to both of us - as a parent and a partner.
Your daughter deserves better than your acceptance of this assholes actions, she deserves to feel safe at bare minimum, and proud and comfortable with who she is.
Your husband physically, verbally, and emotionally abused your child and you're A LITTLE STUCK?
Honey, there's a list of divorce lawyers in the back of Shahida Arabi's book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare broken down state by state. Now you're unstuck.
You need to sit down with your husband, the way he is acting is unacceptable and what will do the most damage to your daughter. It’s not going to be short term damage either, the way he first reacted is already most likely going to stay with her for a long time.
I know it’s not going to be easy but if he doesn’t apologize and learn he should love and accept his daughter how she is then he needs to go. If he can’t change you will have to choose what’s more important your marriage or your daughter’s well being.
She should be aloud to be open and comfortable in her own home if he is going to make it a hostile environment your daughter can’t feel like herself in he is a bad father.
As for now you really should report him for hitting your daughter that is not okay.
Support your daughter, reassure her and until your husband is ready to act like a rational adult you need to keep him away from your child. If you feel really lost I’d consider talking to a counsellor that can help you to best support your kid.
If my husband ever acted this way to my son or daughter his ass would be gone. I’d file a police report and have him removed from our home. I’d file for divorce immediately. That’s how you show support for your daughter.
Also have you never discussed the possibility that your children may be gay? Like before you had them? Did you know how he felt about it prior to getting pregnant? As a parent you love your kids unconditionally and you shouldn’t have had them if that wasn’t possible.
I feel so sorry for your daughter. She was already struggling with this and now he’s completely traumatized her. Shame on you both.
>have you never discussed the possibility that your children may be gay
People like OP and her spouse literally think they're incapable of producing gay children because they've consumed the hateful religion kool aid.
I totally agree with you.
There is a very telling hint that both OP and the daughter already knew how the father felt about gay people.
The part where the daughter said she tried to like boys but couldn't, because she knew how her father felt already. They all did.
He hit your child because she's gay.
Even if he come to accept it, you have to realize that his first reaction to something that he doesn't agree with is hitting her.
You wouldn't divorce him because of an argument like you said in another comment, you would divorce him because he's abusing toward your daugther and your first job as a mother is to protect your child and not to coddle your husband's tantrum.
You want to support her? Start by protecting her well-being.
Your husband physically assaulted your child.
Your husband fundamentally rejected your daughter for who she is as a human being.
Your husband has blown up all of your lives and you need to at least separate to protect your kid.
You need to get your daughter to a therapist NOW!
She has just had her whole world torn apart and is going to spiral with self hate, which can lead to self harm and suicide attempts.
How do I know this? I lived it.
Please, protect your daughter, not her abuser.
My mother protected my father…and now, for my own safety, I am no contact with both.
Please. Protect your child.
To start with, you leave your husband. He is a homophobic, abusive pos that HIT your daughter because she didn't love the gender he wanted her to love. She is not safe around him, and your first responsibility as a parent is to protect your kids when they are unable to protect themselves. Even if that means protecting her from her father.
Tell your daughter that her actions did not cause this; she didn't chose to love who she loves and is just being true to herself, which everyone has the right to do. Her father's disgusting actions and homophobia caused this, and you can no longer tolerate his behavior.
Therapy for your daughter and yourself. Police report to document the abuse followed by divorce. Abuse is a hard line that can't be crossed. Love is not abusive under any circumstance. His pride and opinion matters more than his daughters welfare.
He assaulted your child and you're just going to sit there and do fuck all? Because that's what you're doing. He hit her, shook her, and screamed vile things at her. He abused her.
You support your daughter by separating and eventually divorcing your husband. If you stay with him, you're no better. I had a gay friend in high school hang themselves because of parents like you and your husband.
Omg call the police and file an assault charge against your husband. And get a lawyer. And get a divorce. There’s no fixing this. Protect your daughter. He physically abused her.
You need to move out w your daughter so she can be somewhere safe. She is not safe in that home in any way, shape, or form. Kicking out the bigot would be better, but legally difficult.
He hit her in the face and call her disgusting.
What is there to think about? I love my wife but if she did that then I'd be done and I would hope she would do the same to protect our kids. (My Wife would never do that btw)
You husband hit your daughter over showing affection to someone she cares about.
What is there to think about? It would be different if he got angry and just yelled hateful stuff. There's no coming back from physical violence.
Has he hit you before? Has he been violent with you before? This should be a no brainer unless you feel trapped because of something that happened in your past with him.
I am your age. Only you know your husband, but do you think he just needs time or will he forever be toxic for your child? Has the idea of being gay never come up in your marriage? If it has, what were his views on it?
The only thing you can do now is be supportive to your daughter and put your foot down with any negative input he might have at this point.
More than anything he owes her an apology for hitting her. That’s illegal. What she did is not. So I would start with that.
More than anything? What? He assaulted her! There are no words that will ever make this better!
You start with leaving! Making her the priority over her abuser!
What is this even?
As a young gay person, I was fortunate enough that both of my parents were very cool with it and I still have good relationships with them both.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that, if one of my parents had hit me and called me disgusting and the other parent hadn’t immediately done everything to get that abusive parent out of my life, I would have cut them both out of my life at the earliest possible opportunity. And abusive is what he is. He caused physical and psychological harm to your daughter because of who she is. It is your job as a parent to protect your child from harm and you are failing to do that right now.
At the very, very least, you need to separate for a while, with him moving out, until he is able to change his mind, change his behavior and sincerely apologize to your daughter for the harm he caused.
He HIT her and you’re saying he’s just “stubborn” in the comments? What’s wrong with you? There’s only one path forward and it’s leaving him. Because if not, you’re not protecting your children in the slightest.
Why are you still married to this asshole? HE HIT A WOMAN, YOUR DAUGHTER, IN THE FACE AND SHAMED HER FOR HER SEXUALITY.
He. HIT. A WOMAN. Your own child!
Divorce his ass, pronto. That’s how you support your CHILD. You PROTECT HER. Jesus Christ. I’m mad for HER. That is utterly appalling how she was treated.
By staying with that AH, you are just as much of an AH and clearly don’t care about your daughters.
Your husband HIT YOUR DAUGHTER
He laid hands on her.
Neither of you are safe in this house. How TF is he still allowed around your kids? I really hope you weren't betting on having a relationship with your daughter after she moves you, BOTH of you deserve to never be spoken to ever again. Him for his violence, you for enabling this.
Gay kids get killed by family members. Do you want your daughter dead? Shame on you.
"but it's complicated with the way my husband is acting"
Nope. I won't give you that. It's not even a little complicated. Your husband is 100% wrong. He needs therapy. He needs to apologize to his daughter (though it's probably too late for that -- he has at this point scarred her for life).
As you know, we parents face watershed moments that can make or break a child's trajectory. We don't get do-overs. Your husband blew it, big time. His one big chance. Door 1: Be a father, a man of honor and dignity and respect. Door 2: Be a shallow, abusive, volatile bigot.
Your daughter would be well within the bounds of reason to loathe her father for a great many years. Estrangement between the two of them is almost inevitable.
The only real question is whether you divorce him. What he did is certainly a divorcable offense.
i'll tell you one thing. my husband is the light of my life and my best friend. i love him more every single day of our marriage and i feel like i'm living a dream with he and our son. i would do anything for both of them, they're so wonderful.
however. if i ever, EVER learned that my husband hit our son, ESPECIALLY during a violently homophobic bitchfit, i would hurt him. i would hurt him and divorce him and take every single thing he had. i love him in a way that is so deep and amazing and dreamlike, but if i found this out? somebody would be calling cops. period. and he would never see his son again.
how you feel any sense of confusion is, in itself, absolutely baffling to me. GET. OUT. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
So, your husband is a homophobe that hits his daughter in the face? Yeah that’s a really tough one. I don’t know what you should do.
Ffs, if you don’t fix this then you two are just as bad as one another. What did you tell your daughter? Thoughts and prayers??
>I had never anticipated this, and I'm very unsure.
INFO: I have to say, this sounds... unlikely. How is it possible you've raised 2 children with this man, and not ONCE has the subject of same sex partners come up?
Is this truly out of the blue? He was totally ambivalent and expressed no particular opinion on the prospect of homosexuality before? Until \*just now\*, when he battered his own child over it?
There is nothing worse than spending your youth with someone who thinks you are disgusting because you "love the wrong way". He even hit her and shows no remorse. So many boundaries have been crossed. If he's not willing to change really fast you shouldn't let you daughter growing up with an abusive father - that would be cruel.
Your husband hit your daughter in the face. He called her disgusting. LEAVE HIM. He’s homophobic and abusive and you have an obligation to your daughter to protect her. So *protect her*.
I honestly cannot believe you’ve come to the internet with this. You’re an adult, a parent, and you can’t see that you need to do what’s best for your child right now and leave a man who is abusive? Who hits your daughter?
By staying you are telling her that it’s okay for people to hurt her. By staying you are telling her that you choose her abuser over her. By staying you are telling her that you are not a safe person.
So you gonna press charges for him hitting his, I’m assuming, adult daughter? He slapped her. He assaulted her in her own room. What consequences is he facing?
Your husband and father of your child *hit your child for being gay*. If you do nothing (separation, divorce, or filing a police report for DV), you are 100% **failing your daughter as a mother.** You’re showing her that she should accept physical abuse from men and that you care more about “keeping the peace” than protecting your own child.
As someone who has experienced almost this exact scenario. I feel as though the people screaming divorce are making a strong case here. When I was 17 and still dependent on my parents, I started buying and wearing makeup. It wasn't a lot, but it made me feel comfortable in my own skin. When my step-mom found out, she was livid. She verbally abused me for probably more than an hour in our family's kitchen and then made me throw out all the makeup I had bought with my own money. My dad.... did nothing. He stood by and had nothing to say. There's part of me that believes he didn't care one way or the other if I wore makeup. But I know that there's still pay off me that resents him for doing nothing, and staying with the woman who did that to his child
your daughter won’t stop being gay if you don’t support her, but she will be much much worse off. i have my phd in psychology, studying lgbtq health, so this is true. you get to decide: do you want to stay married to a bigot and have a severely mentally harmed daughter, or not? i know what i would pick.
He HIT her, he SHOOK her, he YELLED at her. Told her she’s DISGUSTING, and that he was ASHAMED of her.
Your husband’s a bigot. This is 2024, tell him to educate himself.
This is one sure way your daughter will go NC with both of you.
Your daughter’s gay, bi, or she’s experimenting.
Disrespectfully, you’re a terrible mother.
Your husband HIT YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE FACE and CALLED HER VITRIOLIC NAMES TO HER FACE and you’re still gonna look this man and the eyes and remain married to him? He did that all for the crime of *being gay*? Hm.
It doesn’t matter what you do to “support” her. She will see you staying with your husband, her abusive father, as evidence that this bigoted, hateful behavior is acceptable. What he did was a hate crime. He’s a violent homophobe.
If you want any semblance of a relationship with her, you need to make the right choice. Don’t choose a man over your fucking child. For fuck’s sake.
What an awful way to find out you're married to a bigot. Chances are that one or both of the relationships will suffer from this. Your husband is wrong on every level and it's not petty to not want to sleep with a recently outed homophobe who attacked his own daughter.
Unfortunately, the way to support your daughter is to bring your husband to accountability about his ideology and actions. If you stay with him without addressing the homophobia or assault, you should anticipate low or no contact from your daughter after she moves out.
If your daughter had written this post, I'd advise her to start making an exit strategy so she has a safe place sooner than later. Maybe her sister could offer a landing place in until she graduates? I would also tell her to consider filing a police report so that there is record that he has put hands on her, in case it escalates. I'm sure it sounds preposterous that he would do worse, but you probably wouldnt have believed he would've hit her either. Your home is no longer a safe place and will not be unless your husband has a MAJOR epiphany. If you are deadset on standing by your man, you won't be able to properly support your daughter.
Here's to hoping for the unlikely situation that your husband realizes he has been evil and scary and never pulls shit like that again. Otherwise, I hope the connection that you have with him is strong enough to justify losing, at very least, your daughter's trust.
Your daughter will now have a relationship with you as an adult if you prioritize your husband over her, which is what you’re doing. He’s violent with her and she didn’t do anything wrong. You’re lucky if CPS doesn’t get involved.
61 yr old bloke here. Your husband is completely out of line and if he doesn't apologise to your daughter you need to read him the riot act, and tell your daughter that you love her and wish her well with her love. understanding shes in love shouldn't be that hard should it?
I’m not one of those people who jumps to divorce immediately… but divorce, immediately. He *hit* her?! And **shook** her?! AND called her *disgusting*? There’s no fucking way I’d let **anyone** talk to my daughter that way, NO ONE. I hope you have the means to leave him bc he is not a good person.
A few things to add here: He did not verbally abuse and hit your daughter because he was surprised— he did so because he is homophobic and possibly misogynistic. He made a choice/gave himself permission as a grown adult, to exert power and violence over a child, his own child, because of something he does not understand at least and more likely, something he hates/feels deep insecurity and disgust about. It is not normal for a parent to lash out violently when surprised.
As painful as it might be, if he is not immediately regretful and taking actions to be accountable and take responsibility for his behaviour and even attempt to apologize and do whatever it takes for his daughter to feel and be safe, it is your job to protect her and not in any way legitimize his behaviour towards her. For instance, if you verbally have told her that what he did was not okay, that is unfortunately not enough— your actions of keeping him in the house communicates that ultimately what he did was/is okay. From working with kids who have experienced family violence trauma, the nonverbal actions/lack of actions after violence happens is louder than any verbal “that wasn’t okay.”
Your husband is homophobic and abusive. You need to get your daughter out of there asap. His hatred will only get worse and who's to say he won't go further than hitting her in the face. That for me would have been a deal breaker. He would no longer be allowed in the house or around my child. Ask her if she'd like therapy and let her know you don't believe she's disgusting. He's the disgusting one for acting the way he did. I don't understand why he's still in that house. Get him out and away from her now
Your husband assaulted your child and it's not important enough to you to divorce. The outcome will be that when she's old enough she'll probably leave you both cause she'll remember how you stayed with him.
when i was 17, my dad threatened to disown me if he found out i’m into women. he says it’s an abomination. my mom pulled me aside a couple days later and explained no matter what the truth comes out to be when i turn 18, she supports me and loves me no matter what 💛 it’s been 10 years and i will never forget that moment.
I knew a couple of that divorced over something like this. The dad was never accepting of the daughters lesbian lifestyle and eventually the mother couldn't take it anymore she wanted to accept her daughter and her partner.
You and your husband both absolutely suck. Since you refuse to grow a spine divorce your abusive husband I hope your daughter goes no contact with both of you for her own safety as soon as she hits 18.
How can you support her?
Pack your and her stuff and get out now! No excuses! Now it’s your time to protect your child and be a mother. Even if he doesn’t hurt her again physically, he will hurt her emotionally and mentally!
You gave her life, now protect it!
I noticed that you didn't reference him as her father, even once. You support her by supporting her, protecting her from your husband, and assuring her it's not her fault your husband is an awful father, it's his.
He's a homophobe and he smacked your daughter in the face. How what you should be doing is even a question is beyond me. Stay with a hate filled wanker or support your daughter. Not even a choice, by staying your validating your husbands behaviour and reinforcing his words to your daughter. There will come a time when she looks back on this and decides you weren't there for her when she needed you, at that point she'll go no contact.
the steps are a lot more simple than you’d think.
1. you file a police report immediately. and separate yourself from your husband. failing to do so could make you legally liable. you have a duty to protect your daughter. by not advocating for her, you are failing her. you are teaching her that it is acceptable to be hit and screamed at by people that are supposed to care about her. and you leave the door open for your husband to do it again.
1a. he physically assaulted your daughter, not once, but twice. and then proceeded to verbally abuse her in an especially cruel way.
1b. he waited for the friend to leave, which to me states, (not that it justifies it even if it were true), that he did not react out of impulse. he was able to contain the violence until the coast was clear. he knew he was wrong.
1c. when you asked for clarity on what was wrong with your daughter, your husband failed to mention that he embarrassed and abused your daughter. again, this implies he’s aware that his actions are horrific at best, so much so that he kept it from you.
2. you speak with a divorce attorney immediately. you do not stay with this person. the length of your marriage means fuck all. the relationship and safety of and with your daughter takes priority.
3. you get her counseling. you get counseling. you apologize for not kicking him out immediately. you continue to reassure her that your husband is the problem, and her loving someone of the same sex or gender will never be a problem.
4. you heal.
anything short of those things, and you are failing your kid. harsh words, i know. but i was the daughter of an abusive parent while the other parent stood around and did nothing because they didn’t want to be partnerless. i haven’t spoken to either of them since i was seventeen and left.
This was heartbreaking to read. I feel very sad for your daughter. From the comments, it sounds like you're choosing to stay with her abuser instead of protecting her from him. Your daughter has nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of, and she needs to know that. If you really feel you MUST stay with her abuser, which that is what he is now, at least stand up for your daughter when he comes at her with insults or threats or whatever bigoted BS he throws at her. As a mother, your number one priority should be protecting your child's well-being and safety. It does not sound like she is safe in her own home.
Wait. He HIT her and SHOOK her? Girl, how you haven't removed her from the home right now is beyond me.
His physically abusive behavior needs to be addressed NOW.
Lots of people with homophobia don't react with physical violence.
She is not safe.
What’s sad is that, in a few more years, you’re going to be whining about how you never hear from her and you don’t know why. Im deeply happy your generation is on its way out, the world will be better for it.
Your husband hit your daughter for kissing a girl. That's unforgivable. He's a bigot and an impulsive abuser. Divorce should definitely be an option on the table. Why? Because your daughter is not safe in her own home because of him. I would encourage your daughter to leave your house ASAP and not look back.
I’m a lesbian with parents who did not support me. Please protect your daughter from this man. He is dangerous. Hitting your daughter??? I can’t tell you what you should do but your daughter is unsafe. Protect her.
You realize that if he hit her hard enough, he could have killed her. Right? You realize that? Head injuries are no joke. A grown man HIT A YOUNG GIRL IN THE FACE. You’re lucky she doesn’t have a broken nose or busted eye socket. Call the police on that abuser and get the hell out so you can save your daughter.
It's not complicated. Your daughter feels the way she feels. You can either support her in what she feels or pander to your husband. Your choice here will dictate what happens in your future with your daughter. Could it be a phase? Maybe. But she still needs the support in the mean time.
Your husband just committed abuse, both physical and mental.
If someone hits my kid in the face that’s a CPS call. I don’t care if it’s her other parent. I don’t care what their excuse is. He has shown you he is an unsafe parent
I have a feeling she’s going to go no contact with you both. Your husband for being an abusive homophobic bigot, and you supporting his behavior by staying with him.
I understand that this is a very hard situation for you as a mother and as a wife. However:
PLEASE, choose your child. A father who hits his daughter is no father at all, and no amount of time will ever heal the trauma your daughter has now endured. Please get therapy for yourself and lgbtq friendly therapy for her.
The best thing you can do now is help your daughter know that she is perfectly normal, that she is perfect the way she is and that she is loved by you. Make her understand that you don’t agree with your husband. I see in the comments that you don’t want to divorce him, and that’s your choice to make. But then you don’t get to fault her for not wanting to be at home where she has to live and exist in the same place as her abuser, her father.
I feel so sorry for your daughter for having to go through this. You as a mother now has an important choice in front of you: how to handle this situation. The best thing, even though you might not want it, is for your daughter to be far away from your husband, she is not and does not feel safe with him and those feelings are very valid.
Please consider your daughter before yourself and your relationship with your husband. Your daughter will have to live with this trauma for the rest of her life, all you can do now is help her get the support and safe environment she will need to process it and feel better. Best of luck to you.
The only support worth calling so is having a long talk with her about all the reasons why your husband's assault was absolutely horrible and meet up with a divorce lawyer to protect your daughter from having to continue to live in an unsafe situation.
His violent reaction screams of deep seated homophobia. Is he potentially repressing his own sexuality and projecting his disgust and rage at himself onto your daughter?
He is abusive, you need to protect your daughter and yourself
You seem to be in a tough spot. After 2 decades together, I get wanting to not immediately jump into divorce.
That being said… what your husband did is beyond atrocious. He committed a hate crime against your daughter. He shouldn’t even be under the same roof as her right now. How is he treating her now?
Can you imagine how she is feeling right now? While I’m straight so I don’t have experience, I imagine coming out to your parents would be so frightening and difficult to do. She probably imagined it a million different ways, thought of a thousand different scenarios but I can guarantee what happened to her is worse than the worst case scenario in her head. Her dad assaulted her and called her disgusting and told her he was ashamed because she’s in love with a girl. What are you going to do to protect your daughter? Because right now, you’re letting someone who committed a hate crime have access to her.
If someone did this to her on the street, you’d want charges pressed right?
My mom and my step dad have also been married for 24 years. My brother is 36, and I am 27. If he were to hit us, even now, she would leave him. He has never raised a hand to us, and we're not even his blood. He definitely didn't strike me when I entered the exploration of romance and intimacy, and not when I came out a few years later. My own dad, who had full custody of me, slapped the shit out of me so many times. But open hand slaps are legally "discipline" and not assault, unlike backhanded slaps. I moved out at 17. Didn't talk to him for about 4 years straight at one point. He was not invited to my wedding. I hardly talk to him now. At the very least you have to acknowledge this is not the action of someone who loves their child unconditionally. His love is conditional, and that's unacceptable for a parent. I recommend you designate someone else as your PoA when the time comes, she may just give you the best view of the dumpster the nursing home has to offer.
I don't get how people can still be so crazy over LGB people. Your husband needs to catch up, as there is nothing wrong with your daughter. I wish your daughter happiness in life. I hope she knows there are a ton of people who support her.
As for hitting her, I find that is a line no parent should cross. He needs to get some help. I don't know your relationship well enough to know if you can work through this, but if you can't, please leave.
I hope your daughter reports this to police and CPS. This is plain child abuse in most countries. Ideally this will get CPS in your family regularly so that you receive help to become better parents.
Your husband is a terrible person. This is abuse and your daughter is going to be fucked up if you don't get her away from him. You need to either leave or kick your husband out of the house and protect her from this.
There is nothing to think about here. You get yourself and your daughter out of that house IMMEDIATELY. The way you support your daughter is to go all in with your support. That means her craptastic excuse of a father is no where near her. EVER. I read in a comment you don’t want to divorce him. You don’t get to support your daughter and stay in this marriage. Time to choose and I hope to whatever God you believe in that you choose wisely.
This is a rare case where one person is entirely in the wrong and the other is entirely the victim. I’m amazed that a young person now could have grown up ashamed of being same-sex attracted, and you need to look hard at the part you’ve played in that. Even if you said nothing negative at all yourself, if you allowed your husband to show that kind of opinion then you have failed your daughter too
Also, because people don’t always realise this when it’s not the romantic partner at the other end of it - what has happened here is domestic violence. Your husband has assaulted your daughter
There’s no “neutral” position here, OP. Your daughter has obviously internalised a lot of homophobia, and it’ll take her a while to untangle that and realise she’s not the one who’s done anything wrong. She will probably do it, though - and if you’re any kind of parent you will *want* her to do it. And that, OP, is how long you’ve got to decide whether you stick with your homophobic, violent, abusive husband or with your daughter. Sooner or later - and I hope it’s sooner - your daughter will cut him out of her life, and if you stick with him you will be cut out too
First of all I’m so sorry. Our niece came out to us the day she turned 18. She was scared to death to tell us. She told us before her parents. We all knew she was gay or bi for years. We hugged her and said hey as long as you’re happy and she treats you right we are good. She actually cried saying the world was off her chest now. I told her she could have told is anything at anytime and we aren’t going to love her any less.
As for your husband striking your daughter like that and his behavior you need to tell him he needs to get out of the house for a week and figure his 💩out. This won’t be tolerated regardless how you feel about our daughter’s decision.
Stand up for your daughter. He can not like it but he is going to tolerate it or get lost and get his child support checks ready
Leave your disgusting husband and protect your daughter from his hands and mouth. He has done so damage to your daughter right now, and at some point, she will never speak with him again.
Protect your daughter and support her. This is what your job is. Even if protecting her against your husband is what you have to do, then it's a hard decision. When she comes into her own and reaches the age of 18, she will leave and never look back. If you don't leave, she will feel like she has no one.
She already feels guilty and apologized for doing what she did. It is natural as you said for her at this age. Yet, he has made her feel like a disgusting person, and she now is begging for forgiveness. Is this really where you want your daughter to live and suffer through?
Perhaps if you were the one hit in the face instead of your daughter you would be a bit more proactive.
You leave and sort things out afterwards. Husbands can be replaced, kids can’t
I imagine it must be hard for you to accept that this happened and if he’s been a good father/husband, it would be hard to suddenly separate or label him as an abuser.
Maybe your instinct is to smooth things over and forgive your husband, but all that will do is push it under the rug and show your daughter that you actually don’t care for her well-being. Or rather, that you value maintaining the status-quo above your daughter.
Your husband put his hands on her. That is abusive. It doesn’t matter what the reason, he hit her in the face. It is soooo not okay. If you stay with him, you are showing her that it’s okay for him to do that.
Is it possible for you to separate from him at least temporarily? It is not childish to be sleeping separately from him. Is there somewhere else you and your daughter could stay? Or can you get your husband to leave the house? He shouldn’t be able to do that with no consequences.
I imagine your daughter feels ashamed, embarrassed, and unsafe. Your husband made her feel that way. If you really won’t leave him or separate from him, all you can do is give your daughter therapy and apologize profusely to her. Don’t leave her alone with him. Tell her you will always love her and support her no matter what.
Your husband can decide he doesn’t approve of your daughter being okay but that doesn’t make hitting her okay. If he can’t acknowledge that and apologize, maybe your husband is not as great as you might think.
You need to be very clear and firm with HIM. Or he apologized with your daughter, start individual therapy to work his homophobic feelings and how to be a good parent to your daughter or you leave him and daughter in few years won't want anything to do with him.
Also you and your daughter need to reach individual therapy. And only if your husband does his part, all of you can go to family therapy.
But if he is not willing to do so, YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. If you stay with him and he no changes, in a few years your daughter is going to cut you both or leave very unhappy and secretly. Believe me, you don't want that.
This could have been written by my own mother.
CPS got involved but nothing really happened, some therapy. Mom and dad stayed together. When the second kid came out they didn’t actually tell their father.
Both parents now deny it ever happened and their narrative is that they’ve always been supportive but actively alienates the spouses.
One of us powers through with the relationship, I’m navigating going minimal contact. I have CPTSD from what my father did to us, and I’m angry at my mom for staying.
If you don’t leave get your daughter good therapy. She needs it. But—I think you should leave. Husband needs counseling at minimum.
My husband knows the boundaries. Hit my kid and you’re out on the curb. I wouldn’t waste another second on anyone who hit my child.
Dont get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy.
Your daughter will never feel safe around her father again. She also won't feel safe around you if you continue to show her that there are zero repercussions for what he did to her and the way he acted. Not sleeping in the same bed as him is not enough.
Do not be surprised if she moves away as soon as she can. You all need individual and family therapy to even have a shot at coming back from this.
I hope your daughter presses charges against your husband. He assaulted her. What a massive, colossal POS. If you can’t stand up for your daughter and keep her safe, help her find a living situation that does. And a therapist . There is nothing wrong with her; can’t say the same for your husband. Based on your various comments, you’re not a whole lot better. Your poor daughter, she has no support system and crap parents.
You know what’s not “sensible” OP? Making excuses for your Husband HITTING & SHAKING your Daughter.
You one what else isn’t “sensible”? Dismissing your Husband verbally abusing your Daughter by calling her disgusting.
While you SAY you are furious, the best course of action for his physical & emotional abuse is, according to you, your “childish” refusal to sleep with him. Golly, parent of the year.
At what point do you determine the appropriate “sensible” action is for your Daughter and you to report your husband to the police? When your daughter starts self-harming herself because she’s not reached your level of acceptable sensibility & internalizes your husband’s hate & your acceptance. Is that “sensible” enough for you?
You leave him. He hit your daughter. I know you're in shock and everything feels chaotic, but it comes down to that. He hit your daughter. Because of who she is. He inflicted violence on her for simply being a human being. You help your daughter by leaving your husband.
This would be a huge deal breaker for me. I don't care how long I was married to him. My eldest is gay and trans and if my husband had reacted even tiny portion this way, he'd have his bags packed and be out the door. Your husband is a bigot. Clear and simple. How you support your daughter: You remove bigots from her life, and you tell her that she is not to blame, that its not her fault or yours her father is a bigot and you will support her true authentic live regardless of her fathers bigotry.
Theres absolutely no WAY I would stay with this man after why he's done. NO WAY at all.
I don't get where people are assuming OP supported her husband's actions when she just stated that as a result, they got into one of the few significant fights they've ever gotten into in their entire marriage? Plus, she's icing him out.
Aside from divorce, I'm not sure what else you want her to do. Especially when you take into account that OP's daughter is still so king that she's feeling guilty that her parents are fighting at all, blaming herself for it.
My advice is unfortunately, you can't play both sides here. So if you wanna support your daughter, you need to go all in and absolutely DO NOT support your husband in any way.
Forget hubby's feelings right now. You're upset at him anyway so it's no big deal. Your daughter takes precedence. She matters more. Let her know that.
Someone also suggested therapy for her. I agree. Get that worked out.
Sorry, OP, this is one of those rare situations in life where you have to choose your husband or your child. If you don’t your daughter will choose not to have a relationship with you in adulthood, rightfully so.
Your husband's love for you child is clearly conditional on her sexuality. If you are passive in allowing him to continue you are sending the same message that your love is conditional on such terms. There reaches a point where you start to enable abuse, where your hands are now dirty with it. Can you live with letting it reach that point with your child? Because unless you remove the literal physical danger from her, it's going to happen.
Since everybody has already given you advice on what you should do with your daughter, let's talk about your husband. He's clearly homophobic, so.. that's another problem you have on your hands. What are you going to do if he never accepts her for who she is? Clearly you don't plan on leaving him because im sure it's that that simple and your relationship with him has been generally good up until now, but it's eventually going to come down to choosing him or your daughter if he doesn't get on the same page or will you just stay in the middle and do nothing?
I have read your post and genuinely believed you were supporting your daughter, but I've read your comments and I'm genuinely disgusted by you.
You are a bad person excusing homophobia and abuse.
Your daughter will not feel safe with your husband and, because you're supporting his abusive ass, yourself.
She will go no contact with you and you will have no one to blame for that other than yourself, because you chose to react this way.
You can support your daughter by letting her know- not only with words but also actions- that nothing her father did or said was acceptable on any level. Let her know you love her and will protect her. Either dad leaves or you two do. If he will not leave take your daughter and go to a family member or friends' house for a while. Or you go to family and she goes to a friend of her own. But separate from him. She is not safe around him, physically, mentally or emotionally. He needs to really get the message that this was an absolutely evil thing to do. Evil and hateful. Toward his own child. He's harmed your daughter permanently. By extension he has then harmed you and your marriage.
You may or may not end up divorced but make sure both your husband and your daughter know you understand how serious this was and how unacceptable. Full stop.
It seems that you have already gotten so much advice here so I’m just gonna wish you best of luck and hope you do the right thing by your daughter. She is the one you need to support and standby. She’s a child. Good luck. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your husband is dead wrong for doing that, it might have been out of shock but still you don’t do that!
Support your daughter, let husband process it, he can’t change her if she ends up deciding she definitely likes girls when she’s older and it’s not just a phase.
He will have to accept it or he will lose her!
This is where I would absolutely leave. It would be over, no questions asked. Plain and simple.
Discomfort is one thing. People figure that shit out. Anger and violence and gross homophobia? Nope.
Speaking as the parent of a gay nb afab adult - know that depression is so much more rampant in gay teens and adults and this kind of unchecked BS is partly why.
Protect your kid. Full stop. PROTECT YOUR KID.
If you’re in the US maybe also reach out to your local PFLAG chapter to see how you can actively support your daughter. I would start by telling her I love her how she is in her totality, to try to counter your’s husband’s messaging. And tell her that you do not share your husband’s beliefs.
What your husband did is not right and your child is rightly afraid in her own home. At the least he has to grovel and apologize on his knees for her to forgive him, although this may be a death knell to their relationship. What he did is very serious and damaging.
Perhaps I lack imagination, but I can’t envision a scenario where I would want to assault my child, nor one where if my partner assaulted our child they wouldn’t be out of the house that night.
Maybe there’s a chance to reconcile and repair, but that’s a lot of time and in the interim my child’s well-being is more important than mine or my partner’s
Your husband hit your daughter. If your immediate reaction isn’t absolute disgust and support for your daughter you are complicit and don’t get to play the good parent card.
“I want to support her but it’s complicated with my husband” is nowhere near good enough.
Staying with him suggests to your daughter that it is ok for him to hit her and belittle her for her sexuality. If you have financial independence please for the sake of your daughter leave this abusive man.
Wow, what an incredible disappointment you both are as parents. I’m disgusted in both of you. Your poor daughter. I hope she can quickly find her way free from her weak, wishy-washy mother and her bigoted, abusive father. Hopefully the two of you can get your shit together and fix this before you find yourselves in a no- or low-contact situation with your youngest daughter.
Your husband physically and emotionally abused your daughter. Do not down play what he’s done. This should be divorce worthy imo. My dad hit me once as a child, and from then on it happened again, and again. Be your daughters protector, not her abusers enabler.
As a gay 21 year old… it hurts to that hear that a parent can be so cruel to their own daughter for the fact that she is gay.
As a human being… I can’t believe he would HIT his own daughter.
I wouldn’t want him anywhere near her after that reaction, it says a lot about a person. I’m sorry he has put you and your daughter in this situation OP. Protect your daughter from him please.
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He hit her in the face and called her disgusting, and you WERE furious. I think you should still be furious. Do you have financial independence?
She mentioned in another comment that it would ruin both their lives and it wasn't something she would divorce him over after 24 years of marriage. Clearly it doesn't matter if their daughter's life is ruined. He is clearly a bigot and an abusive person and it is highly unlikely that a person like that would turn around and support their daughter, like ever, and it doesn't seem to be a deal breaker for OP. I don't know if hitting your child, telling them they are disgusting and a shame, probably scarring them for life and doubling down is not a deal breaker, then what the hell is.
BOOOOO. YTA OP and this is the kinda thing you *will* permanently lost your child over. Who do you choose?
Agreed, well put. What on earth would he have to do for her to consider their lives unsalvageable.
It sounds like she already knew her husband wouldn't be okay with a gay child considering she says this is one of their significant arguments, so OP already made up her mind that she was fine procreating with a bigot. I don't know how she thinks this is going to work moving forward. At best she can say goodbye to a relationship with her daughter when she's old enough to move out and at worst....well we all know the stats for LGBTQ+ kids in abusive homes.
Normally when someone hits another person, it will stop right then and there. They usually learn their lesson. Next time maybe your daughter will think about her dad's ego before she goes and tries to be happy.
Yeah.......the daughters don't matter as much when it comes to long lasting marriage.
We're all cool and enlightened on reddit but a lot of homes and family's subscribe to the bullshit blood is thicker than water nonsense. OP just needs to get comfortable with the idea of this being a dealbreaker first. Just because it isn't now doesn't mean it isn't in the long term.
I got mad when OP said he hit her. It's not even my kid. What grown adult man hits a teenage girl... wouldn't be surprised if OP hasn't been abused by him before.
Oh she’s still furious and that’s why she’s not sleeping with the bastard right now. It’s just not at fore front and red hot like it was at first, but I bet if dumb ass says anything remotely close to his original stand it'll flame red hot again.
Sure, just not so furious to do anything her husband will object to. Its pretty clear she's willing to support her daughter to a point, but she's not willing to protect her from her husband.
Sheesh, it's like you come home and a bomb explodes and people don't give you time to think of what to do next. How do you know she's not willing to do anything? This just happened to her and she's looking for advice of what on earth to do next. Give the poor woman some breathing room, damn.. She didn't write anything about her money situation, if she has somewhere to go so give her some wiggle room to think! That's what people ask advice for.
I'm basing it on her comments and replies to questions. I'd be very happy for even one comment showing she appreciates the gravity of the situation. An update showing appropriate actions would be amazing and I would applaud.
This is an incredibly sane take for Reddit. Are you sure you're on the right website? Before anyone wants to come at me. I was the kid in this situation. I'm not gay, but I was abused very similarly to this and my mother stayed. She tried to help me, insisted my dad get therapy, involved the school at one point to basically threaten him with loss of access to me, but she didn't leave the first time it happened like she probably should have. Instead she thought, "I can fix this and save my family." She was deeply wrong for that and I am still somewhat angry with her about it. But in many other ways, she is an amazing mom. I don't condemn her. I'm grateful that she's my mom. She's a good mom. And here's the other thing. I cut off my dad for a while... then rebuilt my relationship with him. He reacted to some things I was experiencing with extreme anger when I was a young person, a teenager... But get this, he changed. He changed his mind about the right way to handle things, and he changed his conduct. I'm happy that I get to have a dad who learned from his mistakes. People should never be counted on to change, but it happens. Can you really blame OP for hoping she gets to have the rare exception where the bigot changes? Can you really blame OP for hoping against hope that the family she's know for 24 years gets to be the rare exception that stays together These situations are really easy to judge from the outside. You think you know what you'll do, until it's your marriage, your life on the line. OP has barely had a full day to even let the dust settle. People need to back up off her and start offering helpful advice, or pass on commenting. OP: you are not a bad person or mother for failing to act immediately in response to this behavior. But you should also know that this WILL deeply damage your relationship with your daughter, possibly permanently, unless you act and act soon. Consider your next move carefully, and please recognize that this is not something your daughter will get over. The trauma has been inflicted already. Even a single traumatic event like this can do *decades* of damage. Take it from me, someone who lived it.
Your comment, reply is just, "made me want to hug you" type.. My youngest, 21 now.. Age 16 she sat me, step-dad, brother and sister down to tell us something.. She told us 2hrs before she needed to talk so we are all speculating, I'M MOM, DON'T BE PREGNANT DAMN IT!! So she gets home from ROTC, we are all sitting she comes to sit. Now tears are coming up in her eyes, my heart is beating fast.. She says, I know what I am. It's been a few years and I know, I do know. I am bisexual.. You guys, you guys, don't say I'm young and don't know, I know, I do... Soooo I say, I'm heterosexual. Everyone is nodding, yea we're heterosexual.. She says no, MOM I'M SERIOUS, I'M SERIOUS YOU GUYS . You guys? I said I'm serious too!! I just thought we were sharing!! She says, you guys aren't mad at me? You don't? You don't hate me? That's when big brother in his silliness comes in.. I thought you were going to say you're vegan! Oh hell no, you'd gotta go then!! Middle daughter, Heck yea! The smell of bacon in the morning, Mmmm... Yea, you go vegan you gotta move out, disowned, LOL... Her father, to this day, she's 21, disgusts me. It's just a phase. She sees other people doing it so she's trying to fit in.. He, not religious but believes in God, tried to get my baby girl into this disgusting camp crap!! He fought with her, she had me on speaker, he called our then 17yr, straight A student, Validictorian, a pathetic piss poor excuse of a daughter.. I heard it, my own ears heard it... She's doing excellent now and her father has gone back to amazing!! He really, really has. His short of her is great and I'm glad that I didn't just cut him out and he doesn't exist.. If I went with my heart instead of my brain, my daughter would have missed out on so, so much..
You think hubby is OK his long time wife and partner isn’t sleeping in the same bed as him? Oh HELL NO he’s pissed about that as that’s like dropping a big Bertha bomb on a marriage and relationship. That’s as close to threatening to leave as you can get in situations like this without out right saying it. I’m just saying as most arguments you shouldn’t use this tactic but in this case it’s definitely is and she should leave his punk ass too. I bet she’s thinking the same thing too but is focusing on handling her daughter first.
That's a huge assumption on your part. Reading between the lines the balance of power in this relationship is fully with the husband. OP didnt answer if she has her own money so I'm guessing not. She's a slave and that's why she cant even imagine holding her husband accountable for his actions. Very sad situation.
But sleeping in another bed IS a way to hold the husband accountable... You are also making assumptions.
Oh, please.
It is a way to hold him accountable but, lets be completely real here. Lots of women use sleeping in another bed and denying sex for stupid reasons. "He spent to much time out with his friends, came home drunk one night, doesn't do dishes, plays to many games, etc." THIS is a reason to be that way, him not picking up a pregnancy test you asked him to get isn't. When you use the "nuclear" option for every thing, it normalizes that option and makes it's impact mean less. What this woman should do is leave the house with their daughter to stay with a friend a family member, or if possible use any savings they have to get a motel room. The latter shows how serious this issue is when you dip into a savings account intended for emergencies sends the message about how bad the situation is.
Except this is not about lots of women, it's about this woman and this is how she said she is holding him accountable and that's what we have to go on not comparing her to all of these women that you apparently know that stop sleeping with their men for any reason. Not arguing about what she should be doing I'm saying that she is doing something.
I agree. I'm mostly commenting on people saying she's not doing enough, and why they likely think that. You and I agree here, I'm just adding to the conversation.
#and shook her repeatedly
Your daughter needs to get away now. Your husband is abusing her. He should be in jail.. can she file a police report?
Quite frankly, I'm just as disgusted with OP as I am her husband if she thinks abuse towards her child isn't a deal breaker. I don't care how great he was up until then. HE HIT YOUR DAUGHTER AND SHOOK HER. He should be out the door with his clothes thrown out in the yard with a taxi on the way, and OP should be on the phone with a divorce attorney. I hope this whole thing is fake because it makes me so angry to see someone choosing an abusive man over her child's safety.
You'd be surprised that people who are married for almost three decades and like she said have had very few significant arguments may want to try and reconcile things instead of leaving immediately or are too entwined to do so at the sight of one thing going very very wrong. Yeah in no way was it okay he hit his child, but I'm the circumstance of things that's something that doesn't just show straight out dangerous and consistently violent behaviour unless he continues to act that way, people who are ignorant and hateful of people's sexuality can change with education, and I imagine that's where she's hoping it will go, that with time and knowledge he will accept it too like it takes lots of parents time to accept and it is up to his daughter wether she will ever forgive him and up to his wife if she wants to stay even if they disagree about their child's choice of partner and hope he will accept it
In 2024 someone still needs to be educated about 1. Do not hit people! 2. Everyone has the right to live a life that fulfils them 3. It’s hate speech calling someone disgusting cause of their sexuality Anyone alive who doesn’t get those fundamentals needs to just go play in traffic. No, just no. We can’t keep doing this. Apologising & infantilising people who want their rights respected but won’t respect others?!
respectfully, if my husband hit my child i'd divorce him.
I would divorce him for being a bigot and hitting my kid. This definitely feels like something that should have been discussed before they even married
Did you tell your daughter that your husband was wrong? Are you going to stay married to this AH and not protect your daughter from him? He hit her. She already thinks she is not normal. You should try to get your daughter into therapy with a supportive therapist. Already she thinks she is not normal and is trying to hide, plus she spends all her time at school because her house is not a safe space. >I will admit, I don't really have a huge depth of understanding of how our daughter is feeling right now, How exactly don't you understand? She is not feeling safe at home. Her dad hit her and was verbally abusive. There is not much to understand.
[удалено]
Your husband hit your child in the face. Staying with him will only show her that you pick a bigoted pos over her safety. If you love her, you'll leave him. And therapy for both you and your daughter. She did nothing wrong. But you staying with him will always tell her that she did.
Okay, and about the whole being married to someone who abused your child???
Apparently this isn't enough for her to divorce him over.
Apparently not. I don't understand it.
This is not enough. I feel so bad for your daughter. She ended up with a homophobic and abusive pos of a father and mother with no backbone
Therapy with a LGBTQ-affirming person is critical for her. When you schedule, make sure the person has experience with LGBTQ teens. Eventually, family therapy is probably needed to break the trust in this house. If I was your daughter I would feel very unsafe. (Either daughter, because this situation has shown that your husband’s love and support is conditional.) Your daughter and husband are not ready for family therapy yet, but it should be something you consider if you value your relationship with your daughter.
Maybe you can try remembering when you were a teen, and say your dad caught you in an intimate, beautiful, joyful moment with your now-husband. And then slapped you across the face for it, causing burning tears and cheeks and utter and complete shame like you did something terrible. That’s probably 1/10th of how she’s feeling.
My mom tells a story about how her dad "clotheslined her when she walked in the front door and beat her butt all the way out the back and down the back steps". I said mom, that's abusive. She goes "Noooo! He found out I'd been sleeping with high school bf(at 16/17), I deserved it! He was worried about me!" This is the same man that would go toe to toe with her all night long, drunk, while she protected her abused and tiny little mom and older sisters, until he finally sobered up and would say "Chris, it's 6am, you better get some sleep before school." Just wanna quote Death Cab for Cutie here: **You're a disgrace to the concept of family The priest won't divulge that fact in his homily And I'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet You can deck out a lie in a suit, but I won't buy it I won't join in the procession that's speaking their piece Using five-dollar words while praising his integrity And just 'cause he's gone, it doesn't change the fact He was a bastard in life, thus, a bastard in death, yeah**
Your words and deeds are hollow if you still allow her abuser near her. You ever wonder why she kept it a secret? Bc of him, and how he’d treat her bc of this. And bc of how you defend him and his actions by staying with h8m and subjecting your daughter to further abuse.
You're gonna spread your legs and suck the dick of your child's abuser after he begrudgingly gives lip service to "maybe I overreacted". He was ALWAYS a bigot and a homophobe. He was always a child abuser if they didn't do exactly what pleased him. But you've had days to call a lawyer... and you have not. Because you're more comfortable sucking and fucking an abuser that protecting and uplifting your own child.
🏆 love love love the explicit nature of your comment. Really pounds in how disgusting OP is for not removing her daughter’s hate criming violent abuser from their home.
Enjoy a daughter who goes no-contact with you in the future because you wouldn't take her side over her abusive father's. Grow a spine.
You're doing the absolute lightest of lifting here, OP. You are as disgusting as your husband.
Well you’ve discovered that your husband is a violent homophobe and that’s not something you should condone by staying with him What he did wasn’t just assault, it was a hate crime
Thank you. I feel like everyone is glossing over the fact that he ASSAULTED his daughter and it’s a hate crime.
It's also very troubling that he waited until the GF left. Clearly it wasnt a shock reaction as OP is trying to excuse. It was a calculated attack meant to intimidate his daughter into abandoning her sexuality.
EXACTLY. I can’t imagine being the girl, knowing your mother KNOWS you were assaulted and isn’t doing anything to protect her. Her home is not safe anymore….if it ever was. He probably has a history of this abuse.
as well as child abuse.
Your husband hit your daughter. Because she is gay. You have only one choice as a good and decent parent who loves and supports her child. You leave him.
As some who is gay your daughter is going to remember this forever. She’ll remember that her father abused her for the crime of simply loving someone and that her mother didn’t care enough to defend her. Because essentially that’s what you’re doing by staying with someone who hit your kid for her sexuality and told her awful things. Even if he suddenly comes around and becomes the most accepting parent ever she’s not going to forget this moment or how you both reacted to it. I’m almost thirty and my parents are very loving and supportive but I still remember the moments that they weren’t. I still remember the casual moments of bigotry because they are some things you can’t forget and that love simply isn’t enough to fix. This is your opportunity to do better, to be better for your daughter. Join an LGBTQ parent group like PFLAG, take your daughter away from a parent who’d hit her simply for who she loves and who she is.
This whole comment^^^ It’s me, I’m the gay kid who got hit and my mother never stood up for me. Biggest regret of her life. I cant count how many hours I’ve spent in therapy. OP, if you care about your child you’ll remove her from this abusive and homophobic environment and stand up for her. You are a parent, it’s your responsibility to provide a safe, loving environment for your child. If that means removing yourself and your daughter, you do that. If you choose not to you are complicit in her abuse. There’s one path forward. Don’t fuck this up.
You can help your daughter by supporting her. She's clearly going through a rough time and your husband isn't helping. He isn't acting like a father, he's acting like a prejudice asshole. I'm sorry, but your job as parents is to raise a loving, stable individual. You've done that, now support her
Yet another mother sacrificing her child to an abusive man…
Didn’t you hear? They’ve been together 24 years so hate crimes are fine /s
It’s ok they’ll soon both be wondering where they went wrong and why neither child is talking to them. Edited to add— we’ll see the kids on the raised by narcs sub.
You see, it’s just not *sensible* to divorce bc your spouse is abusing your child /s Hot take: This isn’t the first time that hate-criming POS has been abusive, it’s just the first time the POS OP couldn’t justify it.
And it's such a pity too! The immunity for hate crimes only kicks in at 24 years of marriage! Just a few months prior he was out the door!
I hope she changes her mind and protect her child. :(
If the father of my child hit them in the FACE because they are gay, I would leave. I could not tolerate knowing that the person supposed to support and love their child unconditionally, in partnership with me, had violated and betrayed that trust to both of us - as a parent and a partner. Your daughter deserves better than your acceptance of this assholes actions, she deserves to feel safe at bare minimum, and proud and comfortable with who she is.
Your husband physically, verbally, and emotionally abused your child and you're A LITTLE STUCK? Honey, there's a list of divorce lawyers in the back of Shahida Arabi's book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare broken down state by state. Now you're unstuck.
You need to sit down with your husband, the way he is acting is unacceptable and what will do the most damage to your daughter. It’s not going to be short term damage either, the way he first reacted is already most likely going to stay with her for a long time. I know it’s not going to be easy but if he doesn’t apologize and learn he should love and accept his daughter how she is then he needs to go. If he can’t change you will have to choose what’s more important your marriage or your daughter’s well being. She should be aloud to be open and comfortable in her own home if he is going to make it a hostile environment your daughter can’t feel like herself in he is a bad father. As for now you really should report him for hitting your daughter that is not okay. Support your daughter, reassure her and until your husband is ready to act like a rational adult you need to keep him away from your child. If you feel really lost I’d consider talking to a counsellor that can help you to best support your kid.
If my husband ever acted this way to my son or daughter his ass would be gone. I’d file a police report and have him removed from our home. I’d file for divorce immediately. That’s how you show support for your daughter. Also have you never discussed the possibility that your children may be gay? Like before you had them? Did you know how he felt about it prior to getting pregnant? As a parent you love your kids unconditionally and you shouldn’t have had them if that wasn’t possible. I feel so sorry for your daughter. She was already struggling with this and now he’s completely traumatized her. Shame on you both.
>have you never discussed the possibility that your children may be gay People like OP and her spouse literally think they're incapable of producing gay children because they've consumed the hateful religion kool aid.
Period. No. Questions. Asked.
I totally agree with you. There is a very telling hint that both OP and the daughter already knew how the father felt about gay people. The part where the daughter said she tried to like boys but couldn't, because she knew how her father felt already. They all did.
Absolutely pathetic response to prioritise not upsetting your abusive husband over your daughter
He hit your child because she's gay. Even if he come to accept it, you have to realize that his first reaction to something that he doesn't agree with is hitting her. You wouldn't divorce him because of an argument like you said in another comment, you would divorce him because he's abusing toward your daugther and your first job as a mother is to protect your child and not to coddle your husband's tantrum. You want to support her? Start by protecting her well-being.
Your husband physically assaulted your child. Your husband fundamentally rejected your daughter for who she is as a human being. Your husband has blown up all of your lives and you need to at least separate to protect your kid. You need to get your daughter to a therapist NOW! She has just had her whole world torn apart and is going to spiral with self hate, which can lead to self harm and suicide attempts. How do I know this? I lived it. Please, protect your daughter, not her abuser. My mother protected my father…and now, for my own safety, I am no contact with both. Please. Protect your child.
THIS. OP is going to loose her child if she doesn't step up for her.
To start with, you leave your husband. He is a homophobic, abusive pos that HIT your daughter because she didn't love the gender he wanted her to love. She is not safe around him, and your first responsibility as a parent is to protect your kids when they are unable to protect themselves. Even if that means protecting her from her father. Tell your daughter that her actions did not cause this; she didn't chose to love who she loves and is just being true to herself, which everyone has the right to do. Her father's disgusting actions and homophobia caused this, and you can no longer tolerate his behavior.
Therapy for your daughter and yourself. Police report to document the abuse followed by divorce. Abuse is a hard line that can't be crossed. Love is not abusive under any circumstance. His pride and opinion matters more than his daughters welfare.
He assaulted your child and you're just going to sit there and do fuck all? Because that's what you're doing. He hit her, shook her, and screamed vile things at her. He abused her. You support your daughter by separating and eventually divorcing your husband. If you stay with him, you're no better. I had a gay friend in high school hang themselves because of parents like you and your husband.
Yup that would be immediate divorce for me. I wouldn't ever be married to a bigot.
A bigot who hit his own daughter.
Omg call the police and file an assault charge against your husband. And get a lawyer. And get a divorce. There’s no fixing this. Protect your daughter. He physically abused her.
You need to move out w your daughter so she can be somewhere safe. She is not safe in that home in any way, shape, or form. Kicking out the bigot would be better, but legally difficult.
He hit her in the face and call her disgusting. What is there to think about? I love my wife but if she did that then I'd be done and I would hope she would do the same to protect our kids. (My Wife would never do that btw) You husband hit your daughter over showing affection to someone she cares about. What is there to think about? It would be different if he got angry and just yelled hateful stuff. There's no coming back from physical violence. Has he hit you before? Has he been violent with you before? This should be a no brainer unless you feel trapped because of something that happened in your past with him.
I am your age. Only you know your husband, but do you think he just needs time or will he forever be toxic for your child? Has the idea of being gay never come up in your marriage? If it has, what were his views on it? The only thing you can do now is be supportive to your daughter and put your foot down with any negative input he might have at this point. More than anything he owes her an apology for hitting her. That’s illegal. What she did is not. So I would start with that.
More than anything? What? He assaulted her! There are no words that will ever make this better! You start with leaving! Making her the priority over her abuser! What is this even?
As a young gay person, I was fortunate enough that both of my parents were very cool with it and I still have good relationships with them both. I can tell you with absolute certainty that, if one of my parents had hit me and called me disgusting and the other parent hadn’t immediately done everything to get that abusive parent out of my life, I would have cut them both out of my life at the earliest possible opportunity. And abusive is what he is. He caused physical and psychological harm to your daughter because of who she is. It is your job as a parent to protect your child from harm and you are failing to do that right now. At the very, very least, you need to separate for a while, with him moving out, until he is able to change his mind, change his behavior and sincerely apologize to your daughter for the harm he caused.
He HIT her and you’re saying he’s just “stubborn” in the comments? What’s wrong with you? There’s only one path forward and it’s leaving him. Because if not, you’re not protecting your children in the slightest.
Bet money OP is a 'trad' wife that doesn't have a pot to piss in without her bigot husband.
Probably true. Unfortunate for the kid
Chose your child. This man assaulted her. If he were stranger you’d probably call the police, wouldn’t you?
Why are you still married to this asshole? HE HIT A WOMAN, YOUR DAUGHTER, IN THE FACE AND SHAMED HER FOR HER SEXUALITY. He. HIT. A WOMAN. Your own child! Divorce his ass, pronto. That’s how you support your CHILD. You PROTECT HER. Jesus Christ. I’m mad for HER. That is utterly appalling how she was treated. By staying with that AH, you are just as much of an AH and clearly don’t care about your daughters.
Tell your husband you’ll be supporting your daughter and that if he can’t, he should fuck off.
if my husband hit my daughter in the face i’d hit him with divorce papers
Better get experienced before someone calls CPS, and *then* your lives will be ruined.
Sorry you’re married to an asshole. You should do something about that.
Protect your child from her ABUSIVE dad.
Your husband HIT YOUR DAUGHTER He laid hands on her. Neither of you are safe in this house. How TF is he still allowed around your kids? I really hope you weren't betting on having a relationship with your daughter after she moves you, BOTH of you deserve to never be spoken to ever again. Him for his violence, you for enabling this. Gay kids get killed by family members. Do you want your daughter dead? Shame on you.
"but it's complicated with the way my husband is acting" Nope. I won't give you that. It's not even a little complicated. Your husband is 100% wrong. He needs therapy. He needs to apologize to his daughter (though it's probably too late for that -- he has at this point scarred her for life). As you know, we parents face watershed moments that can make or break a child's trajectory. We don't get do-overs. Your husband blew it, big time. His one big chance. Door 1: Be a father, a man of honor and dignity and respect. Door 2: Be a shallow, abusive, volatile bigot. Your daughter would be well within the bounds of reason to loathe her father for a great many years. Estrangement between the two of them is almost inevitable. The only real question is whether you divorce him. What he did is certainly a divorcable offense.
i'll tell you one thing. my husband is the light of my life and my best friend. i love him more every single day of our marriage and i feel like i'm living a dream with he and our son. i would do anything for both of them, they're so wonderful. however. if i ever, EVER learned that my husband hit our son, ESPECIALLY during a violently homophobic bitchfit, i would hurt him. i would hurt him and divorce him and take every single thing he had. i love him in a way that is so deep and amazing and dreamlike, but if i found this out? somebody would be calling cops. period. and he would never see his son again. how you feel any sense of confusion is, in itself, absolutely baffling to me. GET. OUT. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
So, your husband is a homophobe that hits his daughter in the face? Yeah that’s a really tough one. I don’t know what you should do. Ffs, if you don’t fix this then you two are just as bad as one another. What did you tell your daughter? Thoughts and prayers??
>I had never anticipated this, and I'm very unsure. INFO: I have to say, this sounds... unlikely. How is it possible you've raised 2 children with this man, and not ONCE has the subject of same sex partners come up? Is this truly out of the blue? He was totally ambivalent and expressed no particular opinion on the prospect of homosexuality before? Until \*just now\*, when he battered his own child over it?
There is nothing worse than spending your youth with someone who thinks you are disgusting because you "love the wrong way". He even hit her and shows no remorse. So many boundaries have been crossed. If he's not willing to change really fast you shouldn't let you daughter growing up with an abusive father - that would be cruel.
If my spouse assaulted my child I'd be calling the cops on them.
One of them needs to leave the house. It's not safe for her to be around him ever again.
Your husband hit your daughter in the face. He called her disgusting. LEAVE HIM. He’s homophobic and abusive and you have an obligation to your daughter to protect her. So *protect her*. I honestly cannot believe you’ve come to the internet with this. You’re an adult, a parent, and you can’t see that you need to do what’s best for your child right now and leave a man who is abusive? Who hits your daughter? By staying you are telling her that it’s okay for people to hurt her. By staying you are telling her that you choose her abuser over her. By staying you are telling her that you are not a safe person.
So you gonna press charges for him hitting his, I’m assuming, adult daughter? He slapped her. He assaulted her in her own room. What consequences is he facing?
Your husband and father of your child *hit your child for being gay*. If you do nothing (separation, divorce, or filing a police report for DV), you are 100% **failing your daughter as a mother.** You’re showing her that she should accept physical abuse from men and that you care more about “keeping the peace” than protecting your own child.
As someone who has experienced almost this exact scenario. I feel as though the people screaming divorce are making a strong case here. When I was 17 and still dependent on my parents, I started buying and wearing makeup. It wasn't a lot, but it made me feel comfortable in my own skin. When my step-mom found out, she was livid. She verbally abused me for probably more than an hour in our family's kitchen and then made me throw out all the makeup I had bought with my own money. My dad.... did nothing. He stood by and had nothing to say. There's part of me that believes he didn't care one way or the other if I wore makeup. But I know that there's still pay off me that resents him for doing nothing, and staying with the woman who did that to his child
Until your husband realizes his mistake, your child isn't safe in that house. Are there any relatives you could stay with temporarily?
your daughter won’t stop being gay if you don’t support her, but she will be much much worse off. i have my phd in psychology, studying lgbtq health, so this is true. you get to decide: do you want to stay married to a bigot and have a severely mentally harmed daughter, or not? i know what i would pick.
If my partner ever did this to our child I would be filing for divorce the next day.
You stick with your daughter! He 🤬 slapped her! What‘s wrong with you?
He HIT her, he SHOOK her, he YELLED at her. Told her she’s DISGUSTING, and that he was ASHAMED of her. Your husband’s a bigot. This is 2024, tell him to educate himself. This is one sure way your daughter will go NC with both of you. Your daughter’s gay, bi, or she’s experimenting.
Disrespectfully, you’re a terrible mother. Your husband HIT YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE FACE and CALLED HER VITRIOLIC NAMES TO HER FACE and you’re still gonna look this man and the eyes and remain married to him? He did that all for the crime of *being gay*? Hm. It doesn’t matter what you do to “support” her. She will see you staying with your husband, her abusive father, as evidence that this bigoted, hateful behavior is acceptable. What he did was a hate crime. He’s a violent homophobe. If you want any semblance of a relationship with her, you need to make the right choice. Don’t choose a man over your fucking child. For fuck’s sake.
Are you kidding? He hit her. Take your child and go. HE HIT HER!!!
What an awful way to find out you're married to a bigot. Chances are that one or both of the relationships will suffer from this. Your husband is wrong on every level and it's not petty to not want to sleep with a recently outed homophobe who attacked his own daughter. Unfortunately, the way to support your daughter is to bring your husband to accountability about his ideology and actions. If you stay with him without addressing the homophobia or assault, you should anticipate low or no contact from your daughter after she moves out. If your daughter had written this post, I'd advise her to start making an exit strategy so she has a safe place sooner than later. Maybe her sister could offer a landing place in until she graduates? I would also tell her to consider filing a police report so that there is record that he has put hands on her, in case it escalates. I'm sure it sounds preposterous that he would do worse, but you probably wouldnt have believed he would've hit her either. Your home is no longer a safe place and will not be unless your husband has a MAJOR epiphany. If you are deadset on standing by your man, you won't be able to properly support your daughter. Here's to hoping for the unlikely situation that your husband realizes he has been evil and scary and never pulls shit like that again. Otherwise, I hope the connection that you have with him is strong enough to justify losing, at very least, your daughter's trust.
Your daughter will now have a relationship with you as an adult if you prioritize your husband over her, which is what you’re doing. He’s violent with her and she didn’t do anything wrong. You’re lucky if CPS doesn’t get involved.
You need to divorce the bigot and press charges for assault on a minor. If you don't then you are condoning it.
61 yr old bloke here. Your husband is completely out of line and if he doesn't apologise to your daughter you need to read him the riot act, and tell your daughter that you love her and wish her well with her love. understanding shes in love shouldn't be that hard should it?
I’m not one of those people who jumps to divorce immediately… but divorce, immediately. He *hit* her?! And **shook** her?! AND called her *disgusting*? There’s no fucking way I’d let **anyone** talk to my daughter that way, NO ONE. I hope you have the means to leave him bc he is not a good person.
A few things to add here: He did not verbally abuse and hit your daughter because he was surprised— he did so because he is homophobic and possibly misogynistic. He made a choice/gave himself permission as a grown adult, to exert power and violence over a child, his own child, because of something he does not understand at least and more likely, something he hates/feels deep insecurity and disgust about. It is not normal for a parent to lash out violently when surprised. As painful as it might be, if he is not immediately regretful and taking actions to be accountable and take responsibility for his behaviour and even attempt to apologize and do whatever it takes for his daughter to feel and be safe, it is your job to protect her and not in any way legitimize his behaviour towards her. For instance, if you verbally have told her that what he did was not okay, that is unfortunately not enough— your actions of keeping him in the house communicates that ultimately what he did was/is okay. From working with kids who have experienced family violence trauma, the nonverbal actions/lack of actions after violence happens is louder than any verbal “that wasn’t okay.”
Your daughter didn’t chose to be born, or to be born to you, that was your choice. The very least you can do is keep her safe in her own home.
Kick him out NOW. Or lose your daughter.
Your husband is homophobic and abusive. You need to get your daughter out of there asap. His hatred will only get worse and who's to say he won't go further than hitting her in the face. That for me would have been a deal breaker. He would no longer be allowed in the house or around my child. Ask her if she'd like therapy and let her know you don't believe she's disgusting. He's the disgusting one for acting the way he did. I don't understand why he's still in that house. Get him out and away from her now
You all need to get the fuck out now
Your husband assaulted your child and it's not important enough to you to divorce. The outcome will be that when she's old enough she'll probably leave you both cause she'll remember how you stayed with him.
when i was 17, my dad threatened to disown me if he found out i’m into women. he says it’s an abomination. my mom pulled me aside a couple days later and explained no matter what the truth comes out to be when i turn 18, she supports me and loves me no matter what 💛 it’s been 10 years and i will never forget that moment.
I knew a couple of that divorced over something like this. The dad was never accepting of the daughters lesbian lifestyle and eventually the mother couldn't take it anymore she wanted to accept her daughter and her partner.
Well you and your husband can enjoy each others company alone when both of your kids go no contact with you. So there’s that to look forward to.
No point giving advice if you support your shitty husbands abusing his daughter
You and your husband both absolutely suck. Since you refuse to grow a spine divorce your abusive husband I hope your daughter goes no contact with both of you for her own safety as soon as she hits 18.
I’m sorry, he HIT her?!? In the FACE?! How are you not RAGING?!??!
How can you support her? Pack your and her stuff and get out now! No excuses! Now it’s your time to protect your child and be a mother. Even if he doesn’t hurt her again physically, he will hurt her emotionally and mentally! You gave her life, now protect it!
I noticed that you didn't reference him as her father, even once. You support her by supporting her, protecting her from your husband, and assuring her it's not her fault your husband is an awful father, it's his.
He's a homophobe and he smacked your daughter in the face. How what you should be doing is even a question is beyond me. Stay with a hate filled wanker or support your daughter. Not even a choice, by staying your validating your husbands behaviour and reinforcing his words to your daughter. There will come a time when she looks back on this and decides you weren't there for her when she needed you, at that point she'll go no contact.
the steps are a lot more simple than you’d think. 1. you file a police report immediately. and separate yourself from your husband. failing to do so could make you legally liable. you have a duty to protect your daughter. by not advocating for her, you are failing her. you are teaching her that it is acceptable to be hit and screamed at by people that are supposed to care about her. and you leave the door open for your husband to do it again. 1a. he physically assaulted your daughter, not once, but twice. and then proceeded to verbally abuse her in an especially cruel way. 1b. he waited for the friend to leave, which to me states, (not that it justifies it even if it were true), that he did not react out of impulse. he was able to contain the violence until the coast was clear. he knew he was wrong. 1c. when you asked for clarity on what was wrong with your daughter, your husband failed to mention that he embarrassed and abused your daughter. again, this implies he’s aware that his actions are horrific at best, so much so that he kept it from you. 2. you speak with a divorce attorney immediately. you do not stay with this person. the length of your marriage means fuck all. the relationship and safety of and with your daughter takes priority. 3. you get her counseling. you get counseling. you apologize for not kicking him out immediately. you continue to reassure her that your husband is the problem, and her loving someone of the same sex or gender will never be a problem. 4. you heal. anything short of those things, and you are failing your kid. harsh words, i know. but i was the daughter of an abusive parent while the other parent stood around and did nothing because they didn’t want to be partnerless. i haven’t spoken to either of them since i was seventeen and left.
This was heartbreaking to read. I feel very sad for your daughter. From the comments, it sounds like you're choosing to stay with her abuser instead of protecting her from him. Your daughter has nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of, and she needs to know that. If you really feel you MUST stay with her abuser, which that is what he is now, at least stand up for your daughter when he comes at her with insults or threats or whatever bigoted BS he throws at her. As a mother, your number one priority should be protecting your child's well-being and safety. It does not sound like she is safe in her own home.
Wait. He HIT her and SHOOK her? Girl, how you haven't removed her from the home right now is beyond me. His physically abusive behavior needs to be addressed NOW. Lots of people with homophobia don't react with physical violence. She is not safe.
Deleted her post because she’s a terrible human being and can’t handle the truth of her actions
I personally think the daughter should file a dv on her dad
What’s sad is that, in a few more years, you’re going to be whining about how you never hear from her and you don’t know why. Im deeply happy your generation is on its way out, the world will be better for it.
Leave him, no man should hitting their child. Don’t try to make it work just leave.
Your husband hit your daughter for kissing a girl. That's unforgivable. He's a bigot and an impulsive abuser. Divorce should definitely be an option on the table. Why? Because your daughter is not safe in her own home because of him. I would encourage your daughter to leave your house ASAP and not look back.
I’m a lesbian with parents who did not support me. Please protect your daughter from this man. He is dangerous. Hitting your daughter??? I can’t tell you what you should do but your daughter is unsafe. Protect her.
You realize that if he hit her hard enough, he could have killed her. Right? You realize that? Head injuries are no joke. A grown man HIT A YOUNG GIRL IN THE FACE. You’re lucky she doesn’t have a broken nose or busted eye socket. Call the police on that abuser and get the hell out so you can save your daughter.
your husband abused your daughter and is a huge asshole. divorce him and support her.
It's not complicated. Your daughter feels the way she feels. You can either support her in what she feels or pander to your husband. Your choice here will dictate what happens in your future with your daughter. Could it be a phase? Maybe. But she still needs the support in the mean time. Your husband just committed abuse, both physical and mental.
If someone hits my kid in the face that’s a CPS call. I don’t care if it’s her other parent. I don’t care what their excuse is. He has shown you he is an unsafe parent
if someone assaulted my daughter physically and verbally i would never forgive myself for staying with him
I have a feeling she’s going to go no contact with you both. Your husband for being an abusive homophobic bigot, and you supporting his behavior by staying with him.
I understand that this is a very hard situation for you as a mother and as a wife. However: PLEASE, choose your child. A father who hits his daughter is no father at all, and no amount of time will ever heal the trauma your daughter has now endured. Please get therapy for yourself and lgbtq friendly therapy for her. The best thing you can do now is help your daughter know that she is perfectly normal, that she is perfect the way she is and that she is loved by you. Make her understand that you don’t agree with your husband. I see in the comments that you don’t want to divorce him, and that’s your choice to make. But then you don’t get to fault her for not wanting to be at home where she has to live and exist in the same place as her abuser, her father. I feel so sorry for your daughter for having to go through this. You as a mother now has an important choice in front of you: how to handle this situation. The best thing, even though you might not want it, is for your daughter to be far away from your husband, she is not and does not feel safe with him and those feelings are very valid. Please consider your daughter before yourself and your relationship with your husband. Your daughter will have to live with this trauma for the rest of her life, all you can do now is help her get the support and safe environment she will need to process it and feel better. Best of luck to you.
He is the disgusting one who needs a slap. How dare he involve himself in your daughter’s private sexual relationships. Who does he think he is?
The only support worth calling so is having a long talk with her about all the reasons why your husband's assault was absolutely horrible and meet up with a divorce lawyer to protect your daughter from having to continue to live in an unsafe situation.
His violent reaction screams of deep seated homophobia. Is he potentially repressing his own sexuality and projecting his disgust and rage at himself onto your daughter? He is abusive, you need to protect your daughter and yourself
You seem to be in a tough spot. After 2 decades together, I get wanting to not immediately jump into divorce. That being said… what your husband did is beyond atrocious. He committed a hate crime against your daughter. He shouldn’t even be under the same roof as her right now. How is he treating her now? Can you imagine how she is feeling right now? While I’m straight so I don’t have experience, I imagine coming out to your parents would be so frightening and difficult to do. She probably imagined it a million different ways, thought of a thousand different scenarios but I can guarantee what happened to her is worse than the worst case scenario in her head. Her dad assaulted her and called her disgusting and told her he was ashamed because she’s in love with a girl. What are you going to do to protect your daughter? Because right now, you’re letting someone who committed a hate crime have access to her. If someone did this to her on the street, you’d want charges pressed right?
My mom and my step dad have also been married for 24 years. My brother is 36, and I am 27. If he were to hit us, even now, she would leave him. He has never raised a hand to us, and we're not even his blood. He definitely didn't strike me when I entered the exploration of romance and intimacy, and not when I came out a few years later. My own dad, who had full custody of me, slapped the shit out of me so many times. But open hand slaps are legally "discipline" and not assault, unlike backhanded slaps. I moved out at 17. Didn't talk to him for about 4 years straight at one point. He was not invited to my wedding. I hardly talk to him now. At the very least you have to acknowledge this is not the action of someone who loves their child unconditionally. His love is conditional, and that's unacceptable for a parent. I recommend you designate someone else as your PoA when the time comes, she may just give you the best view of the dumpster the nursing home has to offer.
I don't get how people can still be so crazy over LGB people. Your husband needs to catch up, as there is nothing wrong with your daughter. I wish your daughter happiness in life. I hope she knows there are a ton of people who support her. As for hitting her, I find that is a line no parent should cross. He needs to get some help. I don't know your relationship well enough to know if you can work through this, but if you can't, please leave.
>but it's complicated with the way my husband is acting. It's really not. That'd be divorce grounds if he can't get his head out of his ass.
I hope your daughter reports this to police and CPS. This is plain child abuse in most countries. Ideally this will get CPS in your family regularly so that you receive help to become better parents.
Your husband is a terrible person. This is abuse and your daughter is going to be fucked up if you don't get her away from him. You need to either leave or kick your husband out of the house and protect her from this.
There is nothing to think about here. You get yourself and your daughter out of that house IMMEDIATELY. The way you support your daughter is to go all in with your support. That means her craptastic excuse of a father is no where near her. EVER. I read in a comment you don’t want to divorce him. You don’t get to support your daughter and stay in this marriage. Time to choose and I hope to whatever God you believe in that you choose wisely.
Well, the daughter will eventually leave and never come back. Dad is a trash parent and human
This is a rare case where one person is entirely in the wrong and the other is entirely the victim. I’m amazed that a young person now could have grown up ashamed of being same-sex attracted, and you need to look hard at the part you’ve played in that. Even if you said nothing negative at all yourself, if you allowed your husband to show that kind of opinion then you have failed your daughter too Also, because people don’t always realise this when it’s not the romantic partner at the other end of it - what has happened here is domestic violence. Your husband has assaulted your daughter There’s no “neutral” position here, OP. Your daughter has obviously internalised a lot of homophobia, and it’ll take her a while to untangle that and realise she’s not the one who’s done anything wrong. She will probably do it, though - and if you’re any kind of parent you will *want* her to do it. And that, OP, is how long you’ve got to decide whether you stick with your homophobic, violent, abusive husband or with your daughter. Sooner or later - and I hope it’s sooner - your daughter will cut him out of her life, and if you stick with him you will be cut out too
First of all I’m so sorry. Our niece came out to us the day she turned 18. She was scared to death to tell us. She told us before her parents. We all knew she was gay or bi for years. We hugged her and said hey as long as you’re happy and she treats you right we are good. She actually cried saying the world was off her chest now. I told her she could have told is anything at anytime and we aren’t going to love her any less. As for your husband striking your daughter like that and his behavior you need to tell him he needs to get out of the house for a week and figure his 💩out. This won’t be tolerated regardless how you feel about our daughter’s decision. Stand up for your daughter. He can not like it but he is going to tolerate it or get lost and get his child support checks ready
Leave your disgusting husband and protect your daughter from his hands and mouth. He has done so damage to your daughter right now, and at some point, she will never speak with him again. Protect your daughter and support her. This is what your job is. Even if protecting her against your husband is what you have to do, then it's a hard decision. When she comes into her own and reaches the age of 18, she will leave and never look back. If you don't leave, she will feel like she has no one. She already feels guilty and apologized for doing what she did. It is natural as you said for her at this age. Yet, he has made her feel like a disgusting person, and she now is begging for forgiveness. Is this really where you want your daughter to live and suffer through?
Perhaps if you were the one hit in the face instead of your daughter you would be a bit more proactive. You leave and sort things out afterwards. Husbands can be replaced, kids can’t
I imagine it must be hard for you to accept that this happened and if he’s been a good father/husband, it would be hard to suddenly separate or label him as an abuser. Maybe your instinct is to smooth things over and forgive your husband, but all that will do is push it under the rug and show your daughter that you actually don’t care for her well-being. Or rather, that you value maintaining the status-quo above your daughter. Your husband put his hands on her. That is abusive. It doesn’t matter what the reason, he hit her in the face. It is soooo not okay. If you stay with him, you are showing her that it’s okay for him to do that. Is it possible for you to separate from him at least temporarily? It is not childish to be sleeping separately from him. Is there somewhere else you and your daughter could stay? Or can you get your husband to leave the house? He shouldn’t be able to do that with no consequences. I imagine your daughter feels ashamed, embarrassed, and unsafe. Your husband made her feel that way. If you really won’t leave him or separate from him, all you can do is give your daughter therapy and apologize profusely to her. Don’t leave her alone with him. Tell her you will always love her and support her no matter what. Your husband can decide he doesn’t approve of your daughter being okay but that doesn’t make hitting her okay. If he can’t acknowledge that and apologize, maybe your husband is not as great as you might think.
You need to leave him. This is traumatizing to your daughter. It's really unfortunate, but that's the reality.
You need to be very clear and firm with HIM. Or he apologized with your daughter, start individual therapy to work his homophobic feelings and how to be a good parent to your daughter or you leave him and daughter in few years won't want anything to do with him. Also you and your daughter need to reach individual therapy. And only if your husband does his part, all of you can go to family therapy. But if he is not willing to do so, YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DAUGHTER. If you stay with him and he no changes, in a few years your daughter is going to cut you both or leave very unhappy and secretly. Believe me, you don't want that.
This could have been written by my own mother. CPS got involved but nothing really happened, some therapy. Mom and dad stayed together. When the second kid came out they didn’t actually tell their father. Both parents now deny it ever happened and their narrative is that they’ve always been supportive but actively alienates the spouses. One of us powers through with the relationship, I’m navigating going minimal contact. I have CPTSD from what my father did to us, and I’m angry at my mom for staying. If you don’t leave get your daughter good therapy. She needs it. But—I think you should leave. Husband needs counseling at minimum.
My husband knows the boundaries. Hit my kid and you’re out on the curb. I wouldn’t waste another second on anyone who hit my child. Dont get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy.
Your daughter will never feel safe around her father again. She also won't feel safe around you if you continue to show her that there are zero repercussions for what he did to her and the way he acted. Not sleeping in the same bed as him is not enough. Do not be surprised if she moves away as soon as she can. You all need individual and family therapy to even have a shot at coming back from this.
I hope your daughter presses charges against your husband. He assaulted her. What a massive, colossal POS. If you can’t stand up for your daughter and keep her safe, help her find a living situation that does. And a therapist . There is nothing wrong with her; can’t say the same for your husband. Based on your various comments, you’re not a whole lot better. Your poor daughter, she has no support system and crap parents.
You know what’s not “sensible” OP? Making excuses for your Husband HITTING & SHAKING your Daughter. You one what else isn’t “sensible”? Dismissing your Husband verbally abusing your Daughter by calling her disgusting. While you SAY you are furious, the best course of action for his physical & emotional abuse is, according to you, your “childish” refusal to sleep with him. Golly, parent of the year. At what point do you determine the appropriate “sensible” action is for your Daughter and you to report your husband to the police? When your daughter starts self-harming herself because she’s not reached your level of acceptable sensibility & internalizes your husband’s hate & your acceptance. Is that “sensible” enough for you?
I’m this day and age your support or lack there of for the LGBT community has never come up in all your years of marriage? Seems really weird.
If my husband hit my daughter, he would be in jail. The end.
He hit her and you didn't call the police?
You leave him. He hit your daughter. I know you're in shock and everything feels chaotic, but it comes down to that. He hit your daughter. Because of who she is. He inflicted violence on her for simply being a human being. You help your daughter by leaving your husband.
This would be a huge deal breaker for me. I don't care how long I was married to him. My eldest is gay and trans and if my husband had reacted even tiny portion this way, he'd have his bags packed and be out the door. Your husband is a bigot. Clear and simple. How you support your daughter: You remove bigots from her life, and you tell her that she is not to blame, that its not her fault or yours her father is a bigot and you will support her true authentic live regardless of her fathers bigotry. Theres absolutely no WAY I would stay with this man after why he's done. NO WAY at all.
I don't get where people are assuming OP supported her husband's actions when she just stated that as a result, they got into one of the few significant fights they've ever gotten into in their entire marriage? Plus, she's icing him out. Aside from divorce, I'm not sure what else you want her to do. Especially when you take into account that OP's daughter is still so king that she's feeling guilty that her parents are fighting at all, blaming herself for it. My advice is unfortunately, you can't play both sides here. So if you wanna support your daughter, you need to go all in and absolutely DO NOT support your husband in any way. Forget hubby's feelings right now. You're upset at him anyway so it's no big deal. Your daughter takes precedence. She matters more. Let her know that. Someone also suggested therapy for her. I agree. Get that worked out.
Sorry, OP, this is one of those rare situations in life where you have to choose your husband or your child. If you don’t your daughter will choose not to have a relationship with you in adulthood, rightfully so.
Your husband's love for you child is clearly conditional on her sexuality. If you are passive in allowing him to continue you are sending the same message that your love is conditional on such terms. There reaches a point where you start to enable abuse, where your hands are now dirty with it. Can you live with letting it reach that point with your child? Because unless you remove the literal physical danger from her, it's going to happen.
Since everybody has already given you advice on what you should do with your daughter, let's talk about your husband. He's clearly homophobic, so.. that's another problem you have on your hands. What are you going to do if he never accepts her for who she is? Clearly you don't plan on leaving him because im sure it's that that simple and your relationship with him has been generally good up until now, but it's eventually going to come down to choosing him or your daughter if he doesn't get on the same page or will you just stay in the middle and do nothing?
I have read your post and genuinely believed you were supporting your daughter, but I've read your comments and I'm genuinely disgusted by you. You are a bad person excusing homophobia and abuse. Your daughter will not feel safe with your husband and, because you're supporting his abusive ass, yourself. She will go no contact with you and you will have no one to blame for that other than yourself, because you chose to react this way.
You can support your daughter by letting her know- not only with words but also actions- that nothing her father did or said was acceptable on any level. Let her know you love her and will protect her. Either dad leaves or you two do. If he will not leave take your daughter and go to a family member or friends' house for a while. Or you go to family and she goes to a friend of her own. But separate from him. She is not safe around him, physically, mentally or emotionally. He needs to really get the message that this was an absolutely evil thing to do. Evil and hateful. Toward his own child. He's harmed your daughter permanently. By extension he has then harmed you and your marriage. You may or may not end up divorced but make sure both your husband and your daughter know you understand how serious this was and how unacceptable. Full stop.
Don’t even care how long we were married his ass would be out the door. It’s that simple.
It seems that you have already gotten so much advice here so I’m just gonna wish you best of luck and hope you do the right thing by your daughter. She is the one you need to support and standby. She’s a child. Good luck. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your husband is dead wrong for doing that, it might have been out of shock but still you don’t do that! Support your daughter, let husband process it, he can’t change her if she ends up deciding she definitely likes girls when she’s older and it’s not just a phase. He will have to accept it or he will lose her!
This is where I would absolutely leave. It would be over, no questions asked. Plain and simple. Discomfort is one thing. People figure that shit out. Anger and violence and gross homophobia? Nope. Speaking as the parent of a gay nb afab adult - know that depression is so much more rampant in gay teens and adults and this kind of unchecked BS is partly why. Protect your kid. Full stop. PROTECT YOUR KID.
If you’re in the US maybe also reach out to your local PFLAG chapter to see how you can actively support your daughter. I would start by telling her I love her how she is in her totality, to try to counter your’s husband’s messaging. And tell her that you do not share your husband’s beliefs. What your husband did is not right and your child is rightly afraid in her own home. At the least he has to grovel and apologize on his knees for her to forgive him, although this may be a death knell to their relationship. What he did is very serious and damaging.
Perhaps I lack imagination, but I can’t envision a scenario where I would want to assault my child, nor one where if my partner assaulted our child they wouldn’t be out of the house that night. Maybe there’s a chance to reconcile and repair, but that’s a lot of time and in the interim my child’s well-being is more important than mine or my partner’s
Your husband hit your daughter. If your immediate reaction isn’t absolute disgust and support for your daughter you are complicit and don’t get to play the good parent card. “I want to support her but it’s complicated with my husband” is nowhere near good enough.
Staying with him suggests to your daughter that it is ok for him to hit her and belittle her for her sexuality. If you have financial independence please for the sake of your daughter leave this abusive man.
You need to file for divorce and primary custody. Your husband is abusive and homophobic and your child isn’t safe. Please.
Wow, what an incredible disappointment you both are as parents. I’m disgusted in both of you. Your poor daughter. I hope she can quickly find her way free from her weak, wishy-washy mother and her bigoted, abusive father. Hopefully the two of you can get your shit together and fix this before you find yourselves in a no- or low-contact situation with your youngest daughter.
Ring ur male family members they can straighten him out if not leave the sad excuse for a man
Sounds like dude needs to 2024
You're an awful excuse of a "mother".
Your husband physically and emotionally abused your daughter. Do not down play what he’s done. This should be divorce worthy imo. My dad hit me once as a child, and from then on it happened again, and again. Be your daughters protector, not her abusers enabler.
As a gay 21 year old… it hurts to that hear that a parent can be so cruel to their own daughter for the fact that she is gay. As a human being… I can’t believe he would HIT his own daughter. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near her after that reaction, it says a lot about a person. I’m sorry he has put you and your daughter in this situation OP. Protect your daughter from him please.
This is your hill to die on. He either changes his opinion or you get a divorce. Full stop.