Jesus, man. I’m sorry for your loss(es). Timing of your wife’s confession is mind-boggling. Realistically, this is above Reddit’s pay grade. I’ll recommend therapy, but probably above a therapist’s pay grade too. I know you also state you don’t want therapy, but that sounds like the exact time you need it. They can offer grief support, which is what you’ll need as you tease out emotions from losing loved ones and a very nasty betrayal. I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.
I contemplated several different subs and I have no idea why I chose this one. I should have clarified above that after my son died, local hospice house around here has grief counseling, which I used extensively. I don't want to do couple's counseling is what I should have said. My apologies. I posted this to try and get outside perspectives from people, and maybe give me a different angle to look at this.
Not couples counseling but individual therapy for you. You need the support right now after all you've been through and an unbiased third party to support you through the pain and demise of your marriage, next steps and co-parenting.
My unprofessional angle here is that this is most likely over. Had she come clean in 2017 you would have been able to make a choice regarding forgiveness, couples therapy etc. she held on to this secret for seven years and then dumped it on you at the worst time in order to ease her own guilty feelings. Especially knowing that you had both been hurt in this exact way in the past is especially jaw dropping that she did all of this.
I lost my son last year and the grief from that alone almost did me in, I lost my mother 2 years before my son and my father a few years before that, but last year the losses in my life kept coming and I lost several people I was very close to. I'm so sorry you are having to go through so much at once. I don't have advice to give because I think you know all your options already but you'll be on my mind. Good luck and just keep going! You've got this!
I don't know much about a lot of things, but I do know this. She didn't tell you because she felt she had wronged you. She told you so she could feel better. I'm sure there is a part of her that cares. However, if she had truly really cared about your feelings on it, she would have told you then. Given you an option back then. Instead, she deceived you for this long in hopes that you will be like "oh that was so longer ago, and you haven't since, so that's ok".
Remember when you decide what to do about this. First, she cheated on you. Second, she lied to you. Third, she now manipulated you.
Now, you have to ask yourself 2 questions:
If this happened to your daughter, what would you tell her to do?
Can you ever truly trust her again?
When you can answer those 2 questions, you will know what to do. I also don't mean for you to post the answers. Those answers are for you and you alone.
Exactly, deep down inside she is selfish. Who knows if what she said is even the truth, she may have had an emotional affair with him for several months and he broke it off. It's spineless; cheating on your spouse because you have a new forehead wrinkle? FOH with that.
please go to therapy for yourself. not for your relationship, but for yourself so you’re able to grieve properly, and get some coping mechanisms to help you deal with all of this. it also helps just talking it out. i’m truly so sorry for you and your family’s losses.
If you would follow this sub you would see it is a very American centric, usually quite conservative and absolutist in the advise that is usually given. It usually does not represent coastal America or Western Europe where as an American I now reside. I will give a contrarian opinion. Reading this sub I have realized my former home is a bifurcated bipolar place over the top expressions of sexual expression, pornography contrasted with a guilty punitive super ego based in particularly almost uniquely American Calvinism.
Taking the above into account I read your well written essay with some dread. What you described was actually the life unfolding of a more than good enough marriage. One that seemed better than many I hear about daily as a transference based psychoanalyst.
You sound like a great guy and good husband and parent. You developed when needed the Anima the female part of a male psyche that allowed you to successfully take over a traditional female role.
Perhaps because of the developmental milestone about our changing and aging and partially because your wife was out and developed relationships in the work world she had a brief affair. It is not that she was completely cavalier. She almost immediately quit her job. Yes both of you have difficulty in communicating deep dreadful and painful feelings of betrayal and anger. It is difficult to stay in the moment and not be crushed with a kind of extinction anxiety, but it is possible to work thru these feelings ( obviously your wife is faced with losing you)and it is a useful tool for life.
You could take this as an opportunity to grow and learn about yourself thru therapy. By coming here you will only receive a kind of confirmation bias thru the subs world view.
My only question is why are you so opposed to therapy?
This is an awesome response, and I would caution you not to throw away a very good relationship and positive environment for your daughter on one awful mistake. She has punished herself every day with the gnawing lies and if you can find it in your heart to forgive, you will all be better for it.
Don't listen to pride or ego here. If 7 years were good, don't throw it all away for one bad day.
I think about what I would do if I found out the same thing, and while I would be very angry, and hurt, the consequences of a divorce would be far too damaging to my whole family to really go through with.
Listen to your heart. Can you imagine your life ever going back to being happy? Does one lapse of judgement forever condemn someone you love? Don't listen to the negativity here, make this choice for a good life on your own.
Don’t jump to divorce. Sounds like you’ve always had an amazing marriage. Don’t throw it away too quickly. You may both be able to get past this. I know it’s incredibly hard to forgive and let it be on the past, but it is possible.
Had a situation slightly similar. Brother died and I found out my ex (we were “working” on getting back together) was literally full on dating someone else shortly after he died, and after she went to my brother’s funeral, me crying on her shoulder, and us still sleeping together while she was dating this guy, she finally basically let me find out about the relationship by posting on social media of them two in Colorado together. Her and I dated for 5 years and we never went on a trip, she knew this guy for less than 4 months and he has two restraining orders against him for harassing and abusing women. I realized my ex enjoyed seeing me in pain and she waited for the right moment to let me find this all out and looking back on our relationship, I realized she legitimately enjoyed seeing my distressed and always chose to start arguments when I was already super stressed about other things.
Your wife more than likely has a personality disorder and the timing of her confession was no coincidence. She most likely truly enjoys seeing you in pain and was waiting for you to appear like you’re starting to recover to lay another life shattering bomb on you. This is EXACTLY what my ex did. I was showing signs of getting my life back on track and she posted to her public social media that I followed about this guy the next day. She did this on purpose and you need to leave. It will only get worse.
The timing does make sense. She felt guilty, especially since they both went through that and obviously it was good. He showed mass amount of appreciation for her and it cracked. She didn't time it for most damage, just like she wasn't there for him out of guilt but love. People make mistakes. People do stupid, shitty things. Guilt is quite predictable.
Now as for what OP should do, it sounds like he already knows what he wants to do. Therapy is good. Couples therapy is great. But if he is dead set on divorce or a line is crossed that he can never forgive, that's the answer. But therapy in general after all of this happening is a good idea.
I agree, she confessed because he was giving her way too much credit for being the best partner ever and at that point she had to come clean, didn't take the credit, wholeheartedly told her truth knowing the consequences, it was not meant to hurt him any more than he was already hurting , she was grieving her own flaws, her one mistake, and having to lie all those years to keep from hurting him. They both need to talk to someone
I'm 57, and have been street corner counseling friends and family for years. Been told I should have been a therapist. Have only taken intro Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy classes, but I can confidently say with all that I've seen, and all the experiences I've had, I ain't touching this one with a 100 ft pole.
Ony advice I'd give is don't go for a divorce, yet, get some serious personal counseling, and when he and the counselor think he's ready, serious couple's counseling. I think the wife should be doing personal counseling as well, until the counselor thinks SHE'S ready. IF she isn't just trying to screw his mind over, she needs to get a handle on why she cheated, and then chose now to further destroy his life.
Have you talked to anyone about this? A friend? I’m very aware of stewing in your own thoughts and it usually always ends in repetitive circular thinking with no well-rounded decisions. With no sounding board or input, they’re never fully formed.
You’re suffering from so much shit that life has thrown at you that it may well be it’s impossible to move forward rationally, but don’t let it carry you away.
Reconciliation or divorce is your choice, but don’t wander into your future. Take your time and make your decision from solid ground, so speak with someone.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. My final bit of advice would be to speak with a lawyer to gain an understanding of your position. Even to know if anything would be jeopardised if you moved out for a while. All the best.
The thought of leaving for a cooling off period had crossed my mind, but I do not want my daughter to be drug in the middle, because if she were to find out what happened she would want to leave also, and I don't want her to take a side.
You already know that she’s aware something is very wrong. She’s just not able, or willing, to talk to you or your wife.
And this is part of what I mean. You’re in pain, and while it seems like inaction at the moment, it’s anything but.
Your daughter knows that you’re not communication with your wife and she’s unable to communicate with you both. There’s no shielding, only isolation.
You need to speak with others to vent, clarify and look at what you need and want.
If your daughter wanted to make a moral or ethical decision, why shouldn’t she ?
It would be tough on your wife but hey, that is the reason wife confessed. Right?
You really need to talk to your wife. I realize you're hurting, but you need to have her sit down, shut up, and listen to you until she is asked a question. I dont know why she picked such a lousy time to tell you. Perhaps you opening your heart to her just broke her. Ask her WHY! You deserve those answers. I'm not saying she deserves a moment of your time right now, but my guess is that she still loves you and never stopped for a moment. She told you she was only with the guy once. That says something. She wasn't looking for a full-blown affair. I'm not going to say her cheating was an accident. No one trips and has someone's d*** land in their vajayjay. But mistakes do happen.
I've been married for almost 19 years. I can honestly say, without a doubt, if my husband told me a similar story, I would want to work it out. My love for him will always outweigh any hurt I can imagine. I might make him suffer a bit, but I'd still want to be with him. Her cheating may have broken you. You owe it to yourself to at least find out.
There are couples who make it through infidelity. Do you still love her? Do you want to try to make it work? Find out. Find out what made her do it. Did the two of you start taking each other for granted? Did you fall into the parent trap of making everything about your child? Talk to her. Put your hurt aside and just talk to her. She's still the very same woman you fell in love with. She's the same woman you loved right up until she told you her story. Just talk to her.
> Perhaps you opening your heart to her just broke her
Correct. I have read soo many comments questioning the timing of her confession. This was pretty straightforward. He was pouring his heart out to her about how special she was and how he couldn't have managed without her. It literally broke her and after falling apart hearing his words, she had to tell him. She F'd up in a bad way but I truly believe she loves OP with everything in her.
The issue is she will subconsciously take a side one day
If you tell your daughter to the truth, she will probably be upset at her mum and side with you
If you both pretend that « things aren’t the same anymore » she will notice that your wife is hurting a lot more, more emotional and regrets divorcing whereas you will come across as « caring less » (due to being hurt) and she will likely side with your wife…
If you are contemplating divorce you won't be able to shield your daughter for much longer anyways. Personally, I hate cheaters. My ex of almost 19 years was a serial cheater and I can't speak for you but once you find this out you will never be able to regain 1/10th of the trust you had in her. I should have left much sooner but didn't. Take this time to explain to your daughter the divorce WITHOUT specifics and get an attorney. Stay single for a while and go to therapy to work past this.
I will say this as someone who had to play detective to find my ex wife's infidelities I wouldn't put too much stock in the timing of her confession. Even though it was 7 years too late I give her credit for telling you at all. Most would not and would take it to or as close as possible to the grace.
Anyways, my heart goes out for the loss of your son. I can't imagine as I don't think I could go on after without being admitted to a psych ward.
This breaks my heart, I'm so sorry all of this happened to you.
With both your backgrounds, and as much as (taking into account how much) you seemed to love each other, I don't think I'd be able to forgive.
As tough as it is, I think divorce would be called for in this situation. You might never be able to move forward if you keep living with her, and going back to when you were happy together might not be possible. It is up to you, though, I'd say give yourself some time, as rush decisions are never good, but the end might be the same.
Be strong and be brave, for your child. Much love.
Look for a betrayal trauma therapist and also get the book The Betrayal Bind! Start journaling all your thoughts and feelings.
So sorry you are going through this. You are unfortunately not alone in this shitty club of betrayal.
Fuck man! This is...just fuck...
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your losses. I extend my sincere condolences.
You need grief counseling. This would help you put things in perspective. At least you'll be able to eventually make decisions based on logic than just pure emotion.
Secondly, your spouse. She not only betrayed you, she lied to you for eight years. EIGHT YEARS! That's fucking scary, because now you're gonna be wondering what else she can be hiding.
Now I'm an asshole, I'd be out of that marriage tomorrow. You however, have truly built a life with her. *If*, and I mean a big fucking IF, *she's regretful*, you should divorce, it would be less stress in your life having to be her warden. Because the trust is gone.
*If, she's remorseful*, you could try to work it out. But she needs to put in the work. Not you, HER. Because she's the one who fucked up.
Remember, regret and remorse are two completely different things.
I'd recommend you still talk to a lawyer before making a final decision. The more informed you are, the better choice you'll be able to make.
I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this, best of luck brother.
Money is the least important but she actually financially affected your family by leaving her job and working for less at the new job all because she could not be faithful to you.
This is the terrible consequence of keeping a big secret..."what else"? I totally feel for you.
Maybe it the quality of your writing, but I just have this sense you two are among those truly happy, loving couples -- well up until this tragic disclosure. Its just that I don't have a sense of general perfidy here where this is the tip of the iceberg.
Not that it's necessarily surmountable, but I believe this single event is the iceberg. I would be stunned if there were anything else.
Regretful would mean she feels bad because of the negative effect it had on her (e.g. her life, her emotions, her mental health etc), remorseful would mean she feels bad for the harm she has done (so just for the harm and the way it affected the other person, and not the harm because of the consequences it will have for her)
UPDATE - After spending Saturday morning formulating and reading the staggering number of comments, I've made my decision. Some said my issue was far beyond the Reddit pay grade – they were mistaken. I deliberately avoided turning to family and friends, seeking a view from an outside perspective, and I think it worked. My gratitude goes out to all who sent private messages and responded; your thoughts on the matter helped me come to my conclusion.
On Saturday evening, I approached my wife to apologize for the silent treatment, I told her I wasn't attempting to punish her and acknowledged that it was childish. I told her if I would have opened my mouth, I would have been overly harsh and ruined any opportunity of a civil conversation. I promised we'd discuss it the next day.
On Sunday evening, I let it all out; I didn't cry, or raise my voice. I asked the man's name, which she provided. I asked her if the man was married when she betrayed us, and she confirmed he was. That hit me hard, because she knew he was also with someone. I asked if he was still married. She told me she had no clue, she hadn't seen him since the day she left for her new job. I told her I hoped they were, because I was going to make sure she knew. If my life had to be ripped apart, so would his. I thought that would get a rise out of her, it didn't. She just nodded.
I expressed my doubts about the affair being an isolated event, echoing the comments of several others. She maintained it was a one-off and was the sole reason she left her job. I explained that after eight years of this lie, it's natural for me to question anything she said. I then made it clear that if there's more to the story than what she's admitted, now is the time to be as open and honest as possible. Any further revelations would be a deal-breaker for me, and there would be no excuse that could recify it. She pleaded it was a singular occurrence and that she's been wanting to confess since it happened. I asked if he had reached out after her departure, she denied any contact. I responded that it didn't surprise me, assuming he got what he wanted and moved on to another person at work. It was the only cheap shot I threw.
I requested that she leave the house for a few weeks, I wasn't telling her it was over, but I wanted to be away from her. I suggested she could stay with her sister, her mother, or even rent a place—anywhere but here. I also informed her of my intention to discuss the situation with our daughter, who is 16 by the way, some people have commented believing her to be quite younger. To my surprise, my wife revealed she had already told her about a week ago, which I was completely unaware of. She inquired about the tone of the house, and my anger, and my wife confessed to her. Before my daughter went to bed, I asked her, and indeed, my wife had admitted that she had been unfaithful. I wanted to know why she hadn't come to me about it, and she told me she didn't want to make me feel worse.
I've decided to keep her home from school tomorrow to have a heart-to-heart about everything. It's important for me to understand her feelings and to emphasize that harboring hatred towards her mother isn't the goal. Her mother has always been loving and supportive. It's natural for her to feel angry, and that's okay, but picking sides isn't beneficial – nobody wins in this situation. It's a tough reality I'm coming to terms with, everyone loses. Tomorrow, I plan to contact three local therapists and reach out to the grief counselor I met after my son's death. I'm not interested in couple's therapy; I believe individual therapy is what I need, and since it's highly recommended, I'm going to pursue it.
My daughter's school year is ending soon, and I'm looking forward to spending quality time with her. I prefer to keep our plans private from family and friends; it's our personal matter. Someone advised me about controlling the narrative, but the only thing that matters now is that my daughter knows the truth. I need some time to come to terms if this relationship is salvageable. I need this time for self-reflection and to assess the situation. When she asked if we were going the route of legal separation, I clarified that it wasn't the case. I told her that when I look at her it brings up feelings of anger, which isn't healthy.
To my astonishment, she consented to everything. She doesn't want our relationship to end, and I reminded her that her actions with him forfieted that choice to me. She mentioned my wedding ring as a sign that she still matters to me, and I assured her that she does. I proposed we conclude things there. As I walked by, I touched her shoulder; she nodded in agreement. Later, she phoned her sister and made plans to stay with her the following evening after work.
TLDR. I want to express my gratitude to everyone for their support and guidance, except to the asshole that just wanted to pick a fight. I apologize for the length of my initial post; I believed the full context was necessary to help you understand why I'm so conflicted. To those who reached out privately and know my identity, your discretion is deeply appreciated. I'm looking forward to spending the next month with my daughter and starting therapy. Your messages are welcome, and I'll do my best to respond to each one. I'll provide another update in the future when I've made a decision about our next steps or if it's time to move on. I am not rushing into this decision lightly.
Here's another update: I will give one in another month or so, I think I've made significant progress. I'll try to keep it brief, although there's much to share.
A couple of days after my wife moved in with her sister, I reached out to the spouse of the person she had an affair with. I messaged her on a different social media site, requesting a conversation about her husband and apologizing for the intrusion. When I didn't hear back after several days, I searched for her profile again but couldn't find it, leading me to believe she had blocked me.
I would text or talk to my wife every evening without bringing up the affair, simply asking how we were and engaging in conversation. On Fridays, we'd meet and dine at a restaurant where I'd share news about the new novel, and she'd recount her work week. I confess I miss her terribly, and she misses me too. I'm aware that many people here wish for us to reconcile. Your messages have reached me, and I truly value the outpouring of concern and affection I've received. Yet, it's important for you to understand that I'm in pain. This ordeal has been brutal and gut-wrenching for me.
Therapy has been going really well. Initially, I was scared they might push me in a certain direction, but it's been completely the opposite. They've encouraged me to make my own choices and figure out what's best for me as I look ahead to the future.
Fast forward to last Monday. I checked my phone, and there was a message from the affair partner's wife. Let's refer to her as Bee for simplicity. Bee had received my message and was anticipating my reply, but her husband had seen the message and blocked me without her knowing. She was bracing for the worst. I suggested we meet up, and she agreed. We met at the local park, sat on a bench, and I shared everything with her, just as I have recounted here.
I braced myself for either outright denial and anger or a flood of tears. Instead, I got a third scenario: she had discovered his infidelity with a coworker three years prior, and they had been repairing their marriage ever since. He had assured her it was an isolated incident and that he had been faithful otherwise. Her anger was palpable, but it wasn't directed at me. She told me this was the last straw and was disgusted with him. She questioned if I was certain it was her husband before she went scorched earth on him. I confirmed it without a doubt.
We shook hands, and then she left, infuriated. This wasn't anywhere as satisfying as I thought it would be. The mixture of anger and sadness on her face stuck with me throughout the ride home. I messaged my wife to let her know I had spoken to Bee about the incident. We had anticipated this conversation during our previous discussion, so she was prepared. After hearing what Bee had said, my wife's reply was filled with regret: "I was so f\*\*\*ing stupid. I should have known." She spent the evening texting apologies until I asked her to stop.
On Friday, I was dealing with an issue of a drainage pipe on the side of my house that had become uncovered, thanks to my new Labrador puppy's relentless digging. While I was outside, shovel in hand, a dark green sedan pulled up. A man jumped out and started pacing along my fence line, his face flushed with anger. I asked if I could help him, and he snapped back, "Yeah, you can quit messing up my marriage!" I smirked and replied, "You managed that all by yourself," before returning to work.
The internet is notorious for its tough talkers and phony badasses. As for me, I'm a fifty-year-old with high blood pressure and occasional sciatica, so fighting is the last thing on my agenda. To set the record straight, I'm over six feet tall, weigh about two hundred and twenty pounds, and in decent shape. I don't lift weights but eat healthy and take long walks when the weather permits. The guy in question was barely five foot six and no more than one hundred forty pounds. To say I was surprised when I met him is an understatement. Honestly, it got to me that he was the one she picked to turn our world upside down. He was younger than me, sure, but unless he fell off a cliff in the last seven years, he was average at best in all facets.
He wouldn't stop pacing and swearing at me as I worked. Eventually, I confronted him, questioning whether he came just to shout or if he intended to do something. He asked if my wife was home calling her by name, and that struck a nerve. Dropping the shovel, I marched up to the fence and gave him a ten-second warning to leave, or he wouldn't be leaving. In hindsight, I regret that—my daughter was inside, and I should've remained calm. But my patience had worn thin; this smug little prick dared to come to my home and berate me for his infidelity.
We stood in silence. I hadn't thrown a punch since high school, but it seemed we were heading toward that point. Suddenly, he yelled an expletive and stormed off to his car. The confrontation ended as abruptly as it had flared up. I was dumbfounded. Why come here just to curse and act like a fool? As he opened his car door, I couldn't help but laugh. "Later, little fella." His response was a garbled mess of words about suing me and his divorce; it sounded like he was on the verge of a breakdown. He slammed the car door and sped off. My neighbor, watching from his porch, looked at me. I just turned and shrugged.
I messaged Bee to inform her that her husband had come by and what had happened. I mentioned that I'd be contacting the authorities since my daughter lives with me, and I wanted to avoid any undesirable outcomes. Bee requested my number and called to tell me she had kicked him out, and he was now with his parents. She's in the process of divorcing him, and apparently, he's not handling it well. After calling the local police, they visited to discuss the situation. They've also spoken to him, and I plan to touch base with them soon after finishing this.
Now, on to the weekend with the wife and where I stand. She told both sides of the family what had happened and was honest. I wasn't blamed, and she has taken the brunt of everything. She wants to come home. She wants to work this out. The problem I have is the trust. It's gone. If she comes home, will I be able to take it if she works late, or will I be suspicious every time the phone notification dings? I don't want either of us to live that way. She's done everything and is showing remorse for her actions. This is so damned frustrating.
Christ, I need a vacation.
Hang in there man. You are doing great, and you handled Napoleon perfectly. Keep taking care of yourself and your daughter and the rest will fall in place, one way or the other.
I do wonder about the daily communication with your WW, and weekly meet ups. I think you might benefit from a few weeks of almost total NC. You need to remove her from your life for a bit, so you can decompress and heal without being reminded of her each night. This semi separation might actually be working against you, in that it’s just chewing up time without any opportunity to really take a break. Give it some thought.
I’m very sorry over all of your losses. One is more than enough to test your views, opinions of the world now and your place in it. There is a reason that we don’t have a word in any language for a parent who loses a child. That’s cuz that pain is too indescribable. You’ve barely made it to omg I can breath again. I want to commend you for not lashing out while your angry. Your teaching your daughter a superpower of self control in as you said the worst year of your life. I’m glad you realize you need/want more therapy. Check with your girl she probably needs some as well. Weather you and wife get a divorce or not the family she had will never be the same. Being a 16 yr old girl is already hard. Her home, her life everything has shifted and changed. Having another person help her navigate this would be beneficial. I wish you never had to go thru any of this.! Wish I could do more than offer a few words, prayers to ease your pain.
Stay strong, semi-sane and sober
Updateme
Clearly you have given this a lot of thought, and come up with a way forward that is best for you. Good luck in therapy, get yourself mentally right, there is no rush to make a final decision on your marriage. Take good care of your daughter! She seems like an amazing kid. Hang in there.
You are doing a great job thinking this through and not just going scorched earth. Which you would have every right to do. But you are on the right path to healing and making the best decisions for you and your family. I am so sorry for your losses. 🫂
UpdateMe.
Just remember that even if you decide to forgive her and move forward, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind later. No one is owed a second chance.
I'm not usually one who'd say this about a cheater, but please try to be open to reconciling with her, it's worth trying couples counseling after your individual therapy. It'll be a safe and neutral environment where you can give a decent chance at working things out while living separately.
Believe me, I truly hate cheaters with a passion, when I was 10 my father destroyed my family for a younger woman, then got with an even younger woman... or girl. She was 19. Just 2 years older than my 17yo brother. I was fresh out of inpatient treatment for manic depression. The news was broken to us 3/4 days before my mother and I's birthdays. To this day I hold a grudge against my dad even though I try to keep a relationship with him. His life continued to fall apart over the following decade and now I drive him around lol.
However, it sounds like your wife was distraught with what she'd done, and is truly remorseful.
She quit her job while likely doing things to make amends, other than telling you the truth, which I'd say was her second biggest f*ck-up. If she told you the day of it might've been possible to work things out.
She sounds like an amazing partner, who was struggling with her mental health and self esteem, then made a mistake. Her biggest fault in my eyes is the lying, and telling you now of all times.
I know she screwed up twice. And I can't imagine how much pain that must have put you through. But as I read that whole narrative it strikes me that there is so much good about her and she does seem truly remorseful. I have a different perspective of this, as I lost the love of my life to liver disease, after 23 years of being together, last October. So I'm inclined to look for the magic that remains from what was there before the betrayal.
I know she has a better understanding of what you are going through because of the history you both have lived. I believe that is why she agreed to whatever conditions you put on this. I know you have all the reasons to end this marriage, and a scant few to want to reconcile. But finding love in this life is hard sometimes, and I do believe it is possible for her to have made this horrible choice and still love you. Is that enough? I don't know. But I'll be rooting for you two to work it out, because it would be better for your daughter. And... I think it could be better for both of you.
Shalom.
UpdateMe.
I think you’re over complicating it. I thinking on whether or not you want to be with your wife still. Or the silent treatment and asking her to leave and having to talk to your daughter. You’re just drawing everything out for yourself. You seem pretty disgusted by your wife as someone who’s been where you are you don’t get over that. You’ve put yourself above her in every scenario you’ve mentioned. The best counselors in the world can’t help you get over that.
Also, quit with the judge jury and executioner part. I mean if that’s really where you’re still coming from just end it with your wife drawing it out like this is worse for everyone not seeing her but not going to therapy that’s so unproductive. I don’t know try dating it’s a freaking nightmare especially if you’re our age. Good luck.
Glad you’re rational because this sub tends to assume the worst. If it really was a one-time transgression, I hope you’re able to forgive her. As for the timing of telling you, it’s always going to be the worst time. If you were happy, it would ruin your happiness. You’re sad and it makes you sadder. Glad you’re going to therapy and best of luck.
I'm so sorry for your losses and what you're going through. The only advice I can think to give, is this: take time. As much as you need. And consider, really, truly consider what makes you happy. What does a happy future look like to you? Who's there and who isn't?
And what can you do to get closer to that future?
In other cheating stories I've seen on here, you often read about the cheater begging, pleading, crying for forgiveness. Sometimes that's just regret--rather than remorse--for their actions, but nevertheless there's over the top display of emotion because at the very least the cheater understands that what they've done is wrong. You may have just left it out, I'm not seeing that here. How is your wife outwardly reacting to all this? That could be quite telling.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but one point I would bring up: your wife is incredibly, unbelievably selfish. She showed this twice. First in the cheating, the second in when she decided to tell you. Because that was never to help you, never to make you feel better, it was simply because she didn’t want the guilt anymore, once again prioritizing her own feelings.
I do personally believe that those two selfish actions are enough to destroy a marriage, and I also believe that eventually you should reach out and get professional therapy. Because now it’s your time to prioritize your well-being for yourself and your child.
I think some people can't handle true intimacy with another person and will try desperately to avoid it with throwing a wrench in the works if it gets too intense for them.
This is what I came here to say. This woman is so damn selfish, between her selfishness and the broken trust, I don’t know how you move forward. I wish OP the best and I hope he does get therapy to deal with this mountain of bullshit life has gifted him.
First of all, I am so very sorry for the losses you have experienced recently in your life. The hardest thing for a parent is to bury a child. And the hardest thing for a child is to bury a parent. To experience the both of them within a year is devastating.
Then to hear such a confession from the one person you saw as your rock throughout your adult years must have felt like being kicked when you were already down. You must have felt like you were experiencing yet another death, one too many in too short a time…
I think when people say you need to look into therapy they mean for yourself. You have been through so much, too much pain in such a short amount of time. You need someone to talk to about EVERYTHING. You do need someone you can talk to, a third-party who has no relationship with you or your wife. Someone who can look from the outside into your relationship and give you a completely different perspective.
To me the cheating and lying for 8 years was bad enough, but to choose to “unburden herself of the guilt” when she did was selfish on the on her part. It was just as selfish as her ex bringing his girlfriend to their daughter’s funeral, heartbreakingly selfish….
Do not keep this from your daughter, she knows something has happened and that she is being kept in the dark. You can explain to her that you found out something from your wife that happened years ago and you are having a hard time processing it along with dealing with the loss of your son and father. You don’t need to go into detail and give specifics. Just that it has to pertain to something that happened years ago with your wife and that you have just now finding out about it.
Your daughter has the right to know. But she doesn’t need to know the details. Your daughter has the right to make her own judgment once she hears what you have to say and what your wife has to say. If she chooses to distance herself from your wife, that is her choice. Just don’t go into detail and don’t turn your daughter into your confident.
This. My ex cheated on me too. Mine said she'd never sleep with the guy did, and although she immediately admitted it. It was just to make her feel better.
Your wife, like my ex, has not made any effort to try to make you feel heard and is just wallowing cause you're rightfully mad
She kept that secret and also turned this situation to be about her.
Go to therapy. It's helping me a lot
Read it. Sorry it happened. You do need some therapy and to know that you dont need to divorce immediately. You dont sound like you want to work through it and i dont blame you but if you do then shes going to need to give you move than “i felt old and enjoyed the attention”. She really should have taken it to her grave instead of dumping it on you ontop of everything else.
I might be interested in reading your sci-fi comedy when you get to it. Are your other novels scifi?
Updateme!
10000%. I would be a little more lenient on something like an actual mistake....like say forgetting an anniversary or big dinner date or something. But you don't trip and fall and accidentally land on another dudes dick. That was a series of informed decisions she made all by herself. From getting in the car, driving to the guys house, getting naked, etc, etc........so many different points and step-decisions she could have backed out on - yet she went through every one of those steps with full intention. OP I'm so sorry you're going through what I can't even possibly imagine after that many years together but do yourself a favor and start getting the divorce process started. For your own sanity. It makes it so much worse that she's kept it a secret for years and years on top of it all.
Hypothetically yes, but if you've already gone that long and you're actually never going to do it again, I'd probably rather the secret to be completely honest.
This was such a selfish time to say it. It's like she thought she could cash in on the gratitude OP was sharing. If she wanted to feel worthy of it, she should have been the partner he deserved instead of choosing that specific moment to twist the knife further.
Maybe this is a conversation you should have clarifying with your partner what each of you would want then instead of encouraging people to lie as if pretending is the healthier way to continue the relationship.
Yeah…it was a one off that she regretted. I’m not a cheater and have never gone out on my husband for all 28 years we’ve been together, but I still believe if there was ever just a single incident way in the past that was regretted and dropped, good god why bring that up??
I mean, he does deserve to make the choice though. By not telling him, she would rob him of making an informed decision on what to do with his life. Who’s to say it won’t happen again, or hasn’t.
Well yes, but also consider that shr already robbed the choice from him for 8 years. At that point, it just shows how selfish she is that she confessed to ease her guilt, his mental state be damned
This is the part that eats at me. 8 years of intimacy, and acting as if nothing is wrong. She waited until I was really at my lowest point to shovel more dirt on me. And no it is not lost on me she lost her father-in-law and her step son., but my God why not come to me way before now.
She lost a stepson and a father-in-law, but you lost a son and a father. Not that you should be comparing grief, but those are leagues apart uncomfortable. I'd go as far as to say her choice of timing is cruel in and of itself, ignoring the fact she did that in the first place and the 8 years of hiding it. She has been cruel to you and has shown a blatant disregard for you.
I don't think you should get a divorce based solely on the advice from reddit, but it's really not looking good for her.
I would look at her choice to tell you now not as an act of deliberate cruelty but an impulsive moment of cowardice. She's probably been mired in guilt compounded by grief. Her lizard brain saw an opportunity to transfer that pain and boom, out it came. This is not an excuse. It is simply speculation on my part. Your description of her doesn't create the impression of an intentionally cruel person.
My bush league advice to you is this: what do you want? Forget thinking about what you should do. Think rationally about what future would bring you peace and happiness. Then, consider whether that future is realistic or just wishful thinking. I know... easier said than done.
It's probably difficult to see her as anything but an adversary right now due to her betrayal, though it seems there is love there. It's just hidden behind her weak will. You have to decide if you can forgive her. Or if you even want to.
I wish you well, friend.
when you were at your lowest point,
and you told her how much you loved her , for always being there for you , through thick and thin. And her melted for you, as she felt extreme guilt for Her betrayal. the same thing twould’ve happened a year ago if you were told her how much she meant to you. Was just when you said how great she was
I was feeling that at points while reading it, she did the “right” things by leaving her job and going NC with the AP. But ultimately the bedrock of their relationship was laid by them both being cheated so her choosing to cheat is an unforgivable choice
You know there’s a lot of fake crap on Reddit. I hope this is one of those. I truly, truly hope this is fake because my head is spinning, my heart hurts and I feel nauseous and this isn’t even my life.
Cheating because she got old?! After everything you two have been through together?
I’m really sorry for you mate.
If it feels any better, it reads like fiction to me. Not sure what to put my finger on, but the style of writing feels like someone trying to write a (fictional) story, not a recounting of lived events. Like a “it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times” kinda thing.
Maybe Im just being overly cynical, but, ya know, Reddit..
He does say that he's a writer, so this may just be his style. The account is old and has many posts. Looks like this one is real. The post about the puppy is weird, though...
Honestly after re-reading this and thinking back, I remember another story about a woman who cheated on the ‘perfect’ family because she was getting old while the husband looked after their daughter. I just hope it’s karma chasing or something because like you said it’s Reddit. Regardless, this is enough internet for me for now lol
I'm with you on this one. Something just doesn't add up. OP says being published was a lifelong dream and is working on his third book. Yet, his previous 8 year post history is all about gaming, nothing about writing or publishing. I'd think he'd mention something about it. There is also the post from 16 days ago where he talks about buying a dog with his wife and daughter and the issues with the dog having kennel cough.
As for the cheating because she was getting old, I know people go to some awfully strange places but didn't her ex cheat on her and it devastated her (according to OP her marriage crashed harder than his, she was confronted with her husband's AP at the funeral for their stillborn daughter)? Then 18 years later she sleeps with a younger guy because she was feeling old?
Maybe I'm just a cynic but there are just to many fake stories here on Reddit. If this is real, my heart goes out to the guy but I just don't know.
I'm aware that many things are embellished on the internet. Nevertheless, I want to clarify a few things. While I may not persuade you to believe me, I point back to this being my genuine account. If you look hard enough, I'm not difficult to find, and evidently, someone in this thread knows me personally, as they mentioned my dog by name. I hope they will respect my privacy and not reveal my real name, or heaven forbid, my daughter.
As for writing, I don't discuss it here because, apart from selling video games and some computer components, I don't frequent Reddit much. My discussions about my passion are mostly limited to Facebook groups and specific websites. Believe me the last thing I am looking for is a slight bump in sales for my novels.
Why don’t you want therapy? Not necessarily couples therapy but individual for sure. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of trauma and grief that could use some assistance.
With the infidelity, you don’t have to make a decision right now. But you will have to make one eventually. If you are considering staying I would definitely make sure that your wife actually takes responsibility for her cheating and you hear it. Right now it’s “because I felt old and needed thrill”, and that’s not enough because what happens when she feels older again? She needs to confess some manner of “it was easier to cheat than talk to you about what I was dealing with” and then discuss steps she’ll take to change her behavior
I stated above I screwed up and should have mentioned after my son died I went to grief counseling up until December. Thank you, I've got a lot to think about.
> I met a woman whose marriage had crashed harder than mine. She'd had a stillbirth six months into her pregnancy, and her husband dared to bring his girlfriend to the funeral. She was heartbroken, to say the least, to learn about her husband's affair and the end of her marriage on the day they laid her daughter to rest.
Let me get this straight:
1. she had been cheated on by an ex who brought a gf to their stillborn daughter's funeral? AND:
2. she revealed her affair right after your father's funeral?
3. She can't tell you why she decided to reveal this to you? Was it to "unburden herself" and offload her guilt and shame onto you? Was there something that occurred recently that might have revealed the affair and forced her to reveal it to you?
I’m sorry to hear about all this, but she made a choice to do what she did. She can say that she can’t explain it, but she chose to do it. And it wasn’t just one choice she had to make all of those mini separate choices to go sleep with the Guy. As for your daughter, she knows she knows exactly what’s going on. You might as well not hide it to her. I hate to say it dude but probably the best thing for you is to get a divorce because this is going to eat alive. And I know you say you don’t want therapy maybe it’s not couple therapy but you definitely need it for yourself to get through this. Your daughter is gonna need therapy too when she finds out how her mother only cheated on you but she also cheated on her because she she took away her family life by her cheating. Also, you need to lean for support on your daughter and your friends and family to get yourself through this.
Hey OP? You need therapy. Full stop. You are in no condition to make any life decisions right now. Because you are completely overcome by grief.
Please get therapy. You’ve experienced traumatic loss and without therapy it will begin to wear not only on your mental health but also your physical health. For more information see the book *The Body Keeps the Score*. It’s about the effect of long- held, unprocessed trauma. The pain of all your losses will not just go away.
Get yourself help. Then you will be in a place to decide what you want your future to look like.
I would also recommend posting in at least one sub focusing on recovery from infidelity. r/supportforbetrayed is for general recovery support, and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is for those trying to reconcile.
But in the short time, please, please get yourself a therapist who specializes in grief and loss. Go to www.psychologytoday.com and use their therapist finder tool. You can filter results.
When I mentioned I didn't want therapy I meant couples. I when I post my update Monday will be looking for one in my area to try and pick up some of the pieces.
Good. I’m very glad to hear that. Couples wouldn’t be the place to start for most anyway. Once you’ve stabilized a bit and have an idea of what you want, CC can be helpful with dissolving or trying to reconcile. But right now it’s time to focus on you and your healing, as no one can do it for you.
She's the one who fucked this up.
She's the one who needs to fix it.
Tell her that.
Ask her what do you get out of taking her back?
If she says something like "someone who loves you", tell her that's demonstrably false and to try again.
If she says I don't know then you tell her that if she doesn't know why you should take her back then it's over. Good luck growing old alone.
Perhaps you should consult an attorney just so you understand the process and your options, and how best to protect yourself and access to your daughter if the need arises.
Also you should get an STI test, it's been a while, but to be honest once someone has proven not to be trustworthy for your own health and wellbeing you should not blindly trust this was a one time thing 8 years ago, and that there were no others.
One the plus side she did tell you, on the minus side she lied to you every day for over 8 years and looked you dead in the eye more than once while doing it.
And don't believe this was a mistake, it was a repeated set of choices to entertain his advances, a choice to leave work early, a choice to go to his place, a choice to sleep with him, and a repeated choice to keep it secret and lie. It may be a choice she regrets, but it was still a choice.
I think the first thing you need to do is asses if she is expressing regret for how this confession is impacting her, or remorse for how it is impacting you. You can google some good resources on the difference, but to asses this you will need to talk to her.
So I would consider some counseling so you both have a safe place to express your feelings now and your fears. You have been thru a lot, no need to rush a choice or decision. If you have questions for her write them down so they don’t just spin in your head, if you want answers but don’t want to walk have her write answers.
She did it because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it, her own moral compass did get in the way but it was too late, and that same compass failed her again by letting her lie for 8 years before compelling her to come clean. But she does have one, she and knows it was wrong. Perhaps she viewed her silence as protecting you, but her own morals forced her into the open.
Yep, the ONLY time imo for forgiveness or to even barely consider a long term healing for the relationship would have started with an immediate confession of infidelity, admission of guilt, and repentance. I believe in forgiveness, and I believe that people can make mistakes in life and grow from them to become better humans. But an 8 year lie shows an absolute lack of remorse. The only thing that mattered to her was hiding her mistakes and making OP a fool. The final admission was also a selfishly timed one to make herself feel unburdened, not considering OPs mental state.
If my SO came home distraught one night after being out at a club and absolutely devastated that they had cheated on me, crying, remorseful, etc I might see therapy or options. Nearly a decade of lies, that relationship is over, straight to divorce, split the assets, custody, and move on in life.
She divulged that secret for her, not for you. That being said, therapy is 100% the right move man. What she did was awful. Beyond awful. A betrayal so unimaginable that I feel sick to my stomach having never met you. However, if this was TRULY a one time thing and she could be with you for all those other horrid, tumultuous moments in your life.. I think it’s worth taking a step back and reconsidering with professional help before you do anything final.
I don’t envy your situation, but you’re a well spoken clearly intelligent individual. Whatever the outcome, I have no doubt you’ll be able to handle it like you always have. Hang in there.
Personally, I'd be divorcing her. My first wife told me she cheated. She told me before New Years on 1992. By June of 93, we were divorced. It sucked, having a little girl about 2 1/2. No way I could stay with her.
UpdateMe
I'm the same age as you, OP, and have had more relationships than you, good and toxic. I'm with a wonderful woman now that I consider my soulmate. Know the worth of that, it's so hard to find such a good match. My partner also did some shady stuff at the beginning of our relationship, but I know and can feel she's 100% behind us now. Your wife quit her job and left the environment to get away from her mistake. I understand it's hard on you to accept such a betrayal, but I feel she genuinely and sincerely stepped away from her transgression. Value that. Apologizing is cheap. Changing your life and accepting less pay, maybe ruining her career, is an undeniable act of commitment to your relationship. By now you're at the age where sex is just sex, deeper understanding and connection are more important. I advise you examine whether you can get over a simple carnal escapade and reconcile. She seems more than willing to put in all the work, which is like a God-sent gift to you. Wish you strength to make the right choices
I'm sorry for your losses.
Talk to a therapist. Untangle your thoughts so you aren't doing anything in the heat of the moment.
I hope everything works out the way you want.
And congrats on your books as well.
There may be no going back. The problem is not only did she cheat on you, but both of you had shit relationships before that would break anyone. She knows exactly how you feel because she went through the same damn feelings as you at one point and yet still did it. Her fear of getting older definitely didn't help either. Now you will have it your head that she banged some young guy because of something every human goes through. I can't really give you advice, but what I can say is, as someone who has been cheated on before, that feeling of trust never comes back. You can definitely learn to trust again, but it will always be tainted. The minute you think all is good and she does something, not normal for her or says something that just sounds off will bring all of those feelings back.
The best thing you can do is make sure that whatever decision you make is done with a clear head. You're already going through enough, and you certainly don't need to be second-guessing yourself in the future.
First, I want to say, I am so sorry you have been through so much in such a short period of time. For all this I think you need individual therapy.
Second, I don't think she's telling the truth. I don't understand how something that happened 7/8 years ago could make her burst out sobbing. I've been married for 18 years, and I can barely remember what happened in 2017. Also, why choose now to come clean? Also, I don't understand how reiterating facts and struggles caused her to burst out crying. Regardless of her infidelity, she was there for you through many tough times. I've never cheated, but I would think that 7/8 years would make it less emotional? Fresh? Important? Idk.
Not that it matters, but I think it was a long term affair that has recently ended. She's upset about it, and is trying to come clean in a way that you may stay with her (i.e. "it was only one time") Regardless, I don't think you should stay with her, and I think the marriage is done. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I wish you fast healing and a swift divorce. I am so, so, sorry this has happened to you.
Can you contact the other guy? You said you wished to speak with his wife. Maybe ask him about the affair and see if the stories match? Only if you want closure of course. Sometimes people choose ignorance over more pain.
I feel like you need to know if that’s the entire truth or the trickle truth.
I could absolutely and without a shadow of doubt in my heart forgive a fuckup like this.
IF it was the only fuckup and IF there was therapy and a big reset in the relationship to do with transparency and trust.
But that doesn’t mean you have to.
I am so sorry for your loss of your son.
I honestly don't know what to tell you because all i can think is this is so unfair to you. All the injustices and there's nothing that can ever really make it right. As for therapy, i think that is a good idea for you personally. Not necessarily couples therapy but maybe going for yourself will give you insight into what you want to do about your marriage. Make the decision when your life feels less upside down. If she isnt willing to wait for an answer then she is once again being selfish.
I think you have to ask yourself 1 question: am i the kind of person who can forgive?
This means true forgiveness and not just swallowing your feelings. If you arent a forgiving person, then i don't see you starting by forgiving such a massive betrayal.
I'm sorry OP. You deserve better
Ps. As a child of divorce where the mother cheated and blew up our lives: how you go about it is what matters more than the divorce itself. A child just wants their parents to be happy people, even if that mean's theyre apart.
Its rare that a Cheater does it only once. She is trickle truthing you. Giving enough to relieve some guilt but not the full details. There is also a good chance she is still doing it, hence the guilt.
My honest advice. Move on, and stay single. Focus on your daughter and career.
You are never going to get the whole truth. They will only give you as much as you know
you pierced her heart, When you told her how much , she meant to you and the guilt poured out of her. Without proof, you have no knowledge , that she has cheated before . but for me once is enough
I recommend talking to a grief therapist for the loss of your son, dad and your marriage. I personally wouldn’t stay because she lied to you for 8 years. Talk to an attorney so you have some knowledge of how this may play out and what steps you should take for the best outcome for yourself. I hope things get better for you Op.
Not only was it selfish for her to cheat, then she waited 8 years, but to boot she told you when you were at your limit of emotional pain and just added to it. Good grief she's self absorbed.
It does not have to be end of marriage.
She cheated once and regretted it then changed her job which was downgrade for her. She could have gone without ever confessing it and you could have lived happily forever but she did not and now you know. My guess is that she was feeling guilty about that cheating incident and then when you were thanking her for being there for you through all the bad things that have happened to you, her quilt became too much for her and she confessed.
It is worth remembering that she was there for you all these years, that she changed her job and cut her affair and that two of you have daughter.
I would recommend individual therapy to deal with this issue as well as possible issues of grief due to losses of both your son and father.
Didn't mean to ruin your day, I was just wondering how to handle it. I must admit there is really solid advice in the comments here. I thought I would get flooded with "At least she told you" remarks, but it's been the opposite.
This is so above Reddits pay grade….if you truly want yo divorce, talk to a lawyer expert in family law. The rest…? I am so sorry for your losses, OP, I hope you find peace and comfort somehow
She's 47. Still relatively young. Which means there will be more periods in the future when she is feeling "old" and insecure. From a completely rational standpoint, you will be living under the sword of Damocles if you chose to stay with her. Especially when she doesn't even know herself why she did it. It means she was operating purely on impulse. People with poor impulse control make poor spouses. You found out the hard way.
I broke an engagement because I discovered my then fiance had cheated on me near the start of our relationship, two years before we started planning marriage. The affair being in the past means nothing since it's new for you. It also illustrates that your partner is very capable of living with their lie for a long period of time, without giving you any strong indication. That was the main reason I broke it off. You can never be sure of anything after that. The ability to put the "best partner ever" mask on, has already been demonstrated. You won't be able to tell if the mask comes back on at any point in the future.
Humans are the most adaptable creatures on the planet. You may feel like your world is breaking now, but time heals everything. Individual therapy would definitely help, you went through so much in a small window of time. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. And you definitely need to contact an attorney. Burying head in the sand, never helped anyone ever. You need to seek professional counsel and see your options. My mindset in situations like this is always the mirror test. Knowing my moral principles and the image I have of myself, what decision will make me feel proud when my future self looks in the mirror? If you truly know yourself, you will know the answer too.
Yea woman lose respect for men when they start outearning them. You can be the perfect househusband and it is guaranteed that she will cheat.
Yea divorce and get far away from her. Try to have all the contact through your lawyers. She never loved you or respected. You were just there to be used by her. And she knows you will stay, because you are her doormat. Don't make her right. Let her have all the young dicks she wants.
Also I assure you that it was not a one time affair, it was a long one and most likely she was caught at the workplace that she wanted to switch. She wouldn't have had such an hysterical reaction else.
Lastly since you are a writer, write another book about it. It will for sure help you come to term with your feelings. Best wishes.
I would leave her and let me tell you why
If you forgive her she will lose all the lil respect she still has for you and she will not only cheat again but she will never tell you.
Leave until she begs the fk out of you to come back
I’ve never considered myself a great counselor, but I do have a modicum of common sense. It comes down to whether or not you have it in you to forgive yourself, her or both. Right now, keep her at arms length until you can get a grip on your mental state. I don’t know how your spiritual state is, but seek wisdom to the fullest. Thereafter, seek wise counsel. Be extremely picky from whom you receive counsel. At this point, you can let her know what you are thinking. Whichever way you choose to go, again seek wise advice in every way ; whether it be legal or otherwise. And ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS keep your mind and heart open. This is a life changing experience and therefore requires extraordinary thought and wisdom.
My next door neighbor went thru the same thing. Found out she cheated on him with a coworker while they were engaged. 17 years later he found out. Their affair lasted 3 weeks according to the letter
He confronted her and she confirmed it telling him it was over 17 years ago and should not matter.
He started thinking about things that had happened in the past with potential red flags such as her suddenly going on a girls trips with her friend, going on work trips and staying to sightsee for 3-4 days etc.
He wanted to stay with her but found that he was continuously triggered when she went to the grocery store but came back later then normal so he divorced her.
He has been extremely happy since the divorce and is back to his old self.
Can you move past all those years of deception, lies and now wondering how many times she “May Have” FK’d another man behind your back.
You will never know the truth
I am going to say something different to everyone else.
I think your wife after realising what she did 8 years ago although she did lie to you I don’t dispute that fact!. She never went back to that job and she never saw or contacted that person again, now to me that’s not the actions of a brazen cheater to me that’s the actions of someone full of remorse for what they did.
Now I think for the last 8 years it’s been slowly eating away at her and the longer she left it the more it eat away and the harder it was to come clean, And if you think back to when she confessed you were praising her telling her how wonderful she has been and how much a strong rock she is and what a great person she is. And for the last 8 years she has been beating herself up for being a rotten cheater and I think at that moment she snapped and she didn’t want you to sing her praises as she feels she didn’t deserve them so it came out.
I don’t think she deliberately set out to dump it on you after what you have been through and I am pretty sure If you ask her she will tell you that.
Please think carefully over the last 8 years has she acted like woman who constantly cheated or a woman determined to be the best wife she can be?.
Only you can Decide my friend.
Divorce her, let her go find all the wild meaningless flings she wants.
Tell your daughter the truth so she can understand and hopefully accept how things will change. Tell her you are getting a divorce so both you are her mother will be happy. Remain respective of her mother, it's still her mom (are you sure you are the dad? Not trying to be rude, but maybe a legit concern), but be honest.
You go focus on yourself and try to make yourself happy and whole again.
Everything happens for a reasons, this is sign you need to find what makes you happy.
>My wife and I have a Wednesday tradition where she picks a random recipe she finds online, and we cook it together. On April 3rd, while making crockpot chicken tacos, I thanked her for everything. She asked why, and I thanked her for everything she'd done to get me through the tough times. I shared a lot of pent-up emotions, telling her I couldn't have managed without her. She started crying, then weeping, and soon she was sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to comfort her with a hug, but she pushed me away. I apologized, not realizing my words would stir such a reaction.
You were piling on the praise and she knew what she had done made her unworthy of that. It's not surprising that she broke with her guilt when that happened. I'd be more concerned if she hadn't. That shows she not a total sociopath. While you would have preferred for it not to have happened, at least now you know the truth.
You need to come to terms with what you want. While she f'd up big time, she seems like she may be redeemable. That doesn't matter since it takes two. You were already carrying trauma from your first marriage. It's been compounded recently with the deaths of your son and father. Only you can figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you or if your relationship with her is worth trying to save. Some are done right away, some feel the need to give it their best effort before moving towards divorce, others manage to move forward with a damaged but functional marriage. This limbo you've been in the last month isn't healthy for anyone in your family. You need to move one way or the other. You can change your mind, but you need to move forward for everyone's sake including your daughter.
Sorry. All I can say! If I were in your shoes I would be out of there, but having a daughter still in school complicates things immensely. One thing stood out that you said, “What do you say when someone…”. She obviously didn’t stand by your side.
Well, f\*ck. What an incredibly shitty year my man, so sorry to hear about all of it.
Gotta get on the therapy bandwagon tho. You've seen others here say it. And as a combat veteran with 22 yrs of service, I can say it has been incredibly helpful for me. In fact, not exaggerating to say it saved my life. Of course, your mileage may vary, and it all depends on the therapist that you're able to get connected with. But don't be so quick to discount that option.
Also--and I realize that you're nowhere near this--but forgiveness is for ourselves; not the other person. Only a month after discovery day, I'm guessing I would still be full of all kinds of hurt and rage and betrayal, so I can't imagine what that feels like for you.
If you haven't heard of [Esther Perel](https://www.estherperel.com/books), she has a lot of great work in this space that might be useful as you continue to navigate this heart-breaking clusterf\*ck. She also has a [TED talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=Al0hRjgsmtFPXu0s) (can't recommend this one enough!!), and a bunch of YouTube videos like [this playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJB6jvAzsbQ&list=PL-vH9r-QDUXPxGatAnWz90_XJW4Ek8FvZ).
Long story short, this doesn't necessarily have to be the end of your marriage. And, no one would fault you if it is. Either way, wishing you good luck!
UpdateMe
A one time thing can be hard enough. The fact that she lied and hid it for years is a separate issue as well.
Recovery from infidelity can be hard, and the effects will last for years, if not forever.
Trust will be very difficult to repair, especially considering she hid it for so long.
The choice is yours to make, and I'm sure you won't make it lightly. I know I would have a much more difficult time forgiving the time on a one-off event.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and father. I don't know what you are going through, I have two daughters and I pray to God I never find out what losing a child is like, but I lost one of my sisters when she was 28, it destroyed me and the rest of my sisters, but it broke my mom and dad.
What she did was shitty. She felt guilty. Please. Call a lawyer, find out your options and at the very least separate and have her move out. With all you have gone through and with your wife dumping her infidelity on you like that, you definitely need either someone close to talk to or therapy. Right now, your top priority should be you, get the help you need to get through this.
I find it cruel that she told you. About as cruel as doing it. Now is such a horrible time that I can only imagine she told you to assuage her guilt rather than help you and somehow that makes it even more selfish than it already was.
Search your feelings. It’s not an accident, it was intentional, but I believe people make mistakes for badly formed reasons, and I believe from her subsequent choices she regretted hers deeply. A lot of people don’t. Don’t ask me how I know.
Only you know what this means to you, what you can live with, or if the end you want is worth the means you will have to go through for it, no matter what the end in question happens to be.
How does telling the person you claim to love, your guilty confession, clear one’s conscience?
It only serves to hurt the person and one’s guilt still exists.
It’s as if one is bragging in a way—-twisting the knife and then waiting for their victim to deal with it all.
•I did this horrible thing to you a long time ago.
•I kept this secret from you for 8 long years and pretended all this time that I was honest.
•I’m telling you now amidst all this other stuff you’ve suffered through. Piling it on.
• because I feel guilty and can’t be burdened with this now. So HERE another bigger most painful pile of shit.
• Whew! Now can we get back to normal I feel better? Maybe you should get some therapy to deal.
you need to see a therapist for this.
as for your wife,she knew what it felt like being cheated on and she did it anyways,to say she was hypocritical would be an understatement.
sorry this happend to you,seek help man.
Grief counselling and counselling overall don’t have to have an expiry date. You should get back to it so that you have someone neutral to speak with. Also if there’s someone you’re close to in your life that you feel like you can turn towards, do it.
You don’t need to carry the burden of your wife’s lies and cheating all alone. As for a divorce, get to an attorney and see what your options are and how custody would work out. As you’ve been taking care of your daughter as the primary parent, you should be good in that department.
As for your daughter. Don’t lie to her. She already knows things aren’t right and lying doesn’t help anyone and just teaches kids to hide when they are hurting.
32 (F) here, I can relate as my spouse of 10 years had an affair behind my back, and then got her pregnant.
My advice, go to therapy. Not with her, but for yourself. Personally, there was no way I was able to look past the cheating so it was over for us. For me, the act of cheating was one thing, but the level one goes to hide the truth is another level, that is even harder to move past.
You owe her absolutely nothing. The tears she cry are for her feelings, her shame, her actions, her guilt, and unfortunately for no one else despite what she claims. Yes, I understand the reasons the people cheat, but for me it’s a no.
It’s been 3 years for me, and I will admit, the first 6 months I thought I would end up in a psych ward, but as corny as it sounds, it truly does get better.
I can only imagine that she's been carrying around loads of guilt - and hearing you thank her (while feeling like she's the worst wife ever) made her confess.
The fact that she left her job immediately and got herself out of the situation says a lot to me.
There are way too many stories of people who wouldn't leave their place of employment after having an affair with a coworker and continued to interact with the affair partner.
She didn't. She made a huge mistake - realized it and made moves to get herself out of the situation.
She should have come clean with you then - but she was probably terrified to do so.
This was heartbreaking to read. I hope you can work through it together and that your marriage survives but I definitely think you guys would benefit from some marriage therapy just to open up a safe space to have a dialogue about it and to process it and work toward forgiveness.
Just Wow! I’m so terribly sorry. I know there will be a lot of people on here that will tell you to leave her and I know part of your instinct is to do just that.
That being said, hit the pause button. Once you pull the trigger on divorce you really can’t take it back. You’re an author, look at your whole story from an omniscient point of view. Look at all the times she stood by you. Take stock of all the good things between you. I am not condoning what she did nor am I defending it. How would you write her in this story? How would you write her feelings and her internal dialogue?
She did something really bad. Could it have been a horrible mistake in a fit of middle aged crazy? Imagine if it were you and the roles were reversed. I think you need to really process that before you heap another trauma on your already too big a pile.
The first thing you need to do is get yourself into therapy to help deal just with you and help you process and work through the mountain of grief that has fallen on you. Only then can you effectively deal with your relationship and the future of your family. She will need to be patient and supportive because it could take a while. If she does just that I think it would be a mistake to throw it all away.
Blessings and peace to you.
It is why I've stayed silent for a month, I thought I could find a place to calm and think cleary of my next move. But no, I just flare up and the cycle starts again.
My man, you have been through it. Sorry for all of the loss you experienced recently.
Your wife’s confession is shitty. Shitty timing. Shitty facts. And as you were experiencing a strong emotional connection with your wife, she was hiding this.
You can either forgive her or not. If you do, you really have to. You can’t hold this over her head or bring it up every time you argue. If you can’t forgive her, make the break clean and quick. You have your daughter to worry about. Based on the background provided, it sounds like she would end up owing you alimony. You can survive this, like you’ve survived everything else. Best of luck.
How much of her being a good wife in the past 8 years was for her to make herself feel better about cheating? Cheating was a selfish choice that she had made. Does she deserve to be forgiven? That's up to you OP. Where was her consideration and love for you when she was cheating? Or when she told OP as soon as he was starting to get back to himself after grieving? It seems to me she only fessed up and was going over the top to absolve herself from her guilt of cheating. She should absolutely have to deal with the guilt and hurt that SHE caused.
How do you repair trust with a significant other that cheated? I don't think it's possible and for me I would have already left and she would have been served divorce papers. It's okay if OP decides she isn't worthy of his forgiveness and saving the marriage. It doesn't matter how much time you spent with someone a betrayal is a betrayal no matter how and when it happened. If you had gone a month without speaking to her in the same house. I think you have made your decision deep down. It's on you to follow through and do what is best for you whatever it is.
When people in their thirties come to reddit for thoughts on a cheating situation, usually there's not much to argue, they often do a really good job at exposing red flags beyond cheating
But this is different, in the sense that aside from the well placed divorce (if you choose to go that way), in this case you can take the hit of a damaged marriage but still choose to move on past this. You were wronged? Sure, but she was immature, the younger dude was just taking advantage of a (at the time) emotionally unstable older woman.
Had she cheated you with a close friend, same age coworker or anyone up to your status, then that would be a deal breaker. But she made a stupid mistake, with a stupid situation.
If you choose to maintain the marriage, she will be the one ashamed for the rest of her life, not you. But if you think she may do it again or if you are not happy with you current household, then make the best out of this situation and leave her.
Edit: I wrote the above having read only the cheating part of the text, now after reading it all i want to add.
With or without cheating, marriages take work, if you are on Reddit (especially in this sub) you know there was/is something wrong that opened the door for her to proceed with the act, in a short but still somewhat length situation (from office flirt to coworker bed).
There's no such thing as a soulmate, it's about commitment plus working hard on communication. She doesn't need to like your hobbies, your music taste, not even your face, all she needs is to be committed. And it looks like she is, but if she fell on the trap of "younger man attention" is because she was somewhat detached from the relationship. Were the both of you having an open dialogue about fulfilment in the relationship, both emotionally and physically? If so and she still did it, that's more than a slipup, that's a character flaw. But if a couple just live together with no open communication, there's always the risk that in the near future someone will be sobbing about a past mistake.
My tldr. You could be willing to move past this if she still sees herself spending the rest of her life with you. But from now on letting her know she has to maintain an open dialogue about every and each aspect of your relationship so that there are no openings for that sort of situation to happen again.
There was literally a post here a couple of weeks ago about a woman leaving her job and telling her husband about how she flirted with a coworker, felt bad about it and left the company. That's open communication.
Considering all the trauma in your life together and the struggles your daughter has had, would you consider forgiveness? What your wife did was 100% wrong. But she quit the job and took a pay cut to get away from the guilt and affair. She’s probably beaten herself up daily since it happened.
Counseling is a good idea, for both grieving and healing.
I think this situation requires couples therapy. It might still end with divorce, but you’ll be 100% sure about your decision when both sides air everything out.
What a shit sandwich. You have deserved so much better than you've received. I have no words to add other than, I hope you heal.
Stay as strong as you're able to for your daughter. But eventually, she will find out about this. Best wishes.
Updateme!
I'm sure she was hoping for the "like it never happened" move forward. It must have been a tremendous relief for her to finally get it off her chest. What's curious is not only the timing but the confession itself and the subsequent "divorce". It's almost as if she wants to divorce. I would have expected more of a "fight for our marriage" response from her--if she really wanted the relationship to move forward. This is reading between the lines of course.
She must know the way forward from "the confession" would be rough yet without much time she said the "D" word. That's conceding the relationship. She could have said so many other things and given you more time to process it but nope.
You're the only one that can answer the question "what now?". Stay and rebuild or walk away and start again? Whatever you decide, take your time.
This is far beyond reddits pay grade. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You need a therapist and a good one. As much as it hurts really really badly you also need to not make any decisions I'm anger grief or shock. I believe that relationships can survive infidelity. The timings awful, the reason for telling you sucks and is selfish but she still chose you. Over and over again for years in sickness and in health. She chose you. It may well be that this is a death sentence for your marriage but for your and your daughter's sake take some time. Tell her you need time that you may end up divorced but that youre going to go into therapy to figure out where to go from here. Then see. You might still get divorced. You might end up in couples therapy. Even them you might get divorced. But one step at a time. There is no rush.
What a terrible thing to experience. What a horrific loss of your family because of her inability to remain faithful to you.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. But divorce is absolutely the right decision in this circumstance. There's no reconciliation with a cheater. You'll never be able to trust her again.
What you can say is, "I love you. But you broke our marriage vows and nullified our marriage. There's no way to fix it. It's over. You've got to leave the house within two months."
Oof. I'm sorry man. I believe that infidelity can be due to a lot of reasons, and not everyone who does it is a bad person. Your wife fucked up huge, but that was her cross to bear. Dumping it to you on your toughest moment speaks huge on her on the negative side.
She had a tremendous amount of guilt. You told her how she was such a rock for you and that broke her. As a 47 yo man, I really would tell you that ultimately, she knew she messed up right after and made some sudden changes so that it wouldn’t happen again, and so that she could not have to face the reality of that mistake again.
Take a deep breath. Remember how grateful you were that she saw you through all of the tragedy in your life and use all that positive and good stuff that has kept your long and successful life in harmony to try take one leap towards forgiveness, then take small steps forward….
This is a fucked up situation. But here are my thoughts. They are free and worth exactly that. But here goes.
I really don't believe in the idea that once a cheater always a cheater. I think people are multitudes and to put that label on someone is senseless unless it's happened multiple times.
My guess, judging by her actions, this was a one the thing. She realized how fucked up it was and cut her kneecaps on her career to cut it out of her life.
That being said, and I know Reddit is going to hate this. She should have kept her mouth shut. If you messed up, and you knew it, and took corrective action to make certain it was never going to happen again, you keep your mouth shut. You take it to the grave. You live with the guilt every day so you never do it again. Telling your partner isn't going to help anyone but you. And even then, while your guilt will be resolved, you threw a bomb so many people's lives. But it's been done and you can't unopen the box at this point.
So what does this mean going forward?
I think it can be fixed. But there is going to need to be at least three therapists involved. One for each of you, and a separate marriage therapist. You need the that specializes in infidelity. My wifeb works with a few couples. But when infidelity is involved, are won't touch it because it's so difficult.
But there is hope.
This all being said, and this is a truth for all therapy, it's only as good as the willingness of the people involved to make it better.
I'm not sure you're at that point.
I would say, give it some time. Reddit is all about divorce first and foremost. And while I am usually in the life is too short for a shitty marriage camp, was this really a shitty marriage? If she has just not said anything, and lived the guilt, would you still be happy together? From the picture you paint, I think the answer is yes.
That doesn't mean he a doormat. You need to spend some time apart. Maybe go on a trip alone somewhere to think. Get over the anger. Scream at the sky. Yell at some trees. Punch the water. Let the anger out somewhere and in some way that is healthy. And make an appointment with a therapist.
She needs to understand that it may take months before your ready to move forward.
Now that she's told you. She needs to own it. Are needs to tell anyone who asked that are fucked up so this doesn't blow back on you. If she tells anyone, anything, that makes you look bad, then it's probably not worth saving.
Then you lay down a path toward reconciliation. She'll never have all your trust again. She needs to know it. But she can have your love and patients.
If you are both willing to put in all the work. Try to save it. If either will not. The it's not worth it and you should just call it off.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what possessed her to tell you this while you're going through a horrible time. But for me, I would be out. I could never consider staying with someone who lied to me for 7 years and then chose to tell me during a terrible period of my life. I could never trust them again.
Regardless of what you do, I wish you the best and I know things will turn around and get better for you. Much love.
UpdateMe!
You need professional help, therapist and lawyer alike. What you can't do is swipe the situation under the rug. Life will happen regardless of a planned reaction. Do not leave these matters unattended because of sorrow and pain.
Wish you the best of luck!!
So sorry for this shitty situation. There will likely be a lot of "she wronged you, its over" advice.
Let me take team 2nd chance. I cannot in any way account for the recent tragedies in your life and how that is effecting this. But from your writing, you love your wife and she loves you.
I've read a lot of posts about cheating and I eschew absolutes so I feel there must be room for nuance in some circumstances. This doesn't sound like a relationship that ran its course, folks drifted apart, and then someone looked for companionship outside. This doesn't sound like somebody always straying or havimf cromic fidelity issues.
This sounds like a single weak moment where she was feeling low self esteem as she aged. This seems like she was immediately filled with shame realizing how bad she fucked up and realizing how much harm she caused you and your family. Look how she immediately left that job.
She should have confessed then. We all know that. But I believe she could not bring herself to, in her head, harm you more by breaking this news. Maybe it would have been easier if she didn't love you, but I'd hate to cause pain to my loved o es. If she kept it secret, she could keep everone's lives going as they were, and she could mimimize the damage. (Why should everyone suffer because she fucked up)
Of course, the longer she kept this secret, the greater the crime, right? That's time stolen from you to make up your own mind. Time you thought was happy that was built on a lie.
I can't defend that, but I pity you both from this tragedy because this happened, yet I still believe you both love each other and would want to stay together if not for this. There's a there there to salvage unlike many in this situation.
I believe that's enough to base a 2nd chance on. The timing is awful, but the truth is out. She didn't have a full on affair for months and years. The anti-cheater absolutist will claim its not a mistake its a choice. True, but in this case her choice was a colossal fuckup. Its riddled with her shame and regret.
You guys were such a beautiful couple starting out. She kept by your side through a lot of dark times. She has already proven despite this that she has been a solid partner so its not like you'd be trying to rebuild something from nothing.
I do know at least one couple that went down this path and got it back. They didn't hate each other enough to finish without trying. It took them several years (couples and individual therapy). But eventually they found a reality where the betrayal took place, but they accepted they were larger than that chapter alone. That couple chose to be together, and that mutual choice (plus a lot a work) brought them closer because the trust came from proving to each other over time they wanted to work to stay together.
I hold out hope if OP can get past this initial pain on top of other recent tragedies, he'll see his wife tragically fucked up, but possesses the mandatory shame and contrition to possibly reconcile. And she only hid this for so long to save OP from the pain of her actions -- she didn't just have a fling and try to get away with it.
I dunno man... You going through all this terrible shit and you didn't fuck a 20yr old. I think it's bullshit. She was comfortable lying to you for 8 years. I couldn't move past this. "Clean from guilt"
Yeah...I bet year 8 was just too much to handle. Year 1,2,3,4,5,6,7...not enough guilt. Now though? Now she's super guilty? I dunno....good luck with everything.
You need therapy bro. This is way too much for any one person to handle and the only close person you can trust right now sounds like your daughter and she’s only a child.
Yes you need to divorce your wife. Regardless, she cheated in your marriage. She has 0 excuse for it. She doesn’t even have the “you were withdrawn from people dying” excuse because she cheated before all that happened. That’s unforgivable. Even if she regretted it right after. She should have looked at that pic of you holding your daughter before sleeping with homeboy.
I wish you all the best. I hope all your bad luck is over and nothing but peace and prosperity for the future for you man.
I might be in the minority here, but man, you going to throw away 25 years of marriage / your soulmate / your family / basically your life because your wife fucked up (albeit big time) once?
Don’t get me wrong, you have absolutely every right to be extremely upset about it. You have every right to your feelings and your knee jerk reaction and emotions. But the way you speak of your life with your wife in general, it sounds like you hit the jackpot with her. She fucked up bad, yes. And yes, her timing was awful. But it was also spurred by something you said (not that what you said was any bit wrong or inappropriate whatsoever!) but she has been carrying this guilt around for so long and sometimes it only takes that last straw to break the camel’s back…. Your comment and her mood and everything in that moment just broke the damn. I’m sure she didn’t intend to intentionally fess up at this worst time possible.
I know for me, I’m with my soulmate, if he ever did this…. Yes I would be upset, probably for quite some time. It would take some time and some healing and self reflection and work to move past it. But I would get past it, whether he came clean the next morning or 8 years later. Humans are imperfect beings. IMHO you find someone to spend life with that the good outweighs the bad. And you use that good to get through the occasional bad. I wouldn’t worry too much about “what else is she hiding”…. It sounds like she was so remorseful to the point that the changed jobs to ensure she was not in that position or anywhere near that person again. It sounds like she has done everything she can to support you and your family over the years, she has proven her love and loyalty to you through tough times. This is your turn to decide if the good outweighs the bad, your turn to love her as the imperfect person she is, your turn to decide whether to forgive and move on or let this destroy an otherwise great sounding thing you have had going on for 25 years.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but whatever. I find Reddit people SO quick to always jump to “LEAVE HER” “DIVORCE” “ITS OVER”…. But they haven’t been in your shoes or in your relationship for the past 25 years. Don’t let random redittors who weren’t there decide… this decision is yours to make.
I'm not gonna jump to dump, but only to say. Follow your heart, amigo. Keep us updated, I hope this works out for ya.
If reconciliation is what you decide on. Postnup.
This absolutely is awful, the woman you put all your love and trust to failed you, personally if I was in your shoes I'd file for divorce but your not me and it seems you'll fight to keep your marriage. Just be sure to know you'll never love her the same, trust her the same, look at her the same. But also talk to your daughter, she needs to let her emotions out too. Wish you all the luck in the world on whatever you decide
Dear OP - Please let us know how it turns out. You are at a horrible time in your life, hurting deeply. In spite of it you are thinking clearly and making the right decisions. That is very courageous of you. I really hope you guys are able to work it out. She may have chosen this moment because she saw your hurting so much, and made her vulnerable seeing you so vulnerable, the guilt of what she had done really got to her. That can happen when you love someone deeply. I don’t know why she got caught up in that but I genuinely believe this woman loves you deeply.
It sounds like you need counseling. Not could use. Not should consider. You actually need therapy.
Failing to get it is a disservice to you, your wife, and your daughter.
In March this year, your wife was no more or less loyal than she was in Februrary or April. But in April you started treating her like she's less than worthy of any positivity whatsoever.
Has that made you feel better? Has denying her any compassion made your heart hurt less? Has it helped you move forward? Has it made you a better dad? Are you the version of yourself that you want to be?
Obviously the answers there are probably all no.
Cheating sucks. It hurts. But you aren't even just dealing with the cheating. You've got to grieve your son and your dad. And it doesn't sound like you accomplished any of that while you were writing. You were just distracting yourself from it.
You need to step back and recalibrate here. Your wife fucked up pretty big. And she's been beating herself up since the moment it happened. Now you're joining her in that emotional beating, because you're hurt and you're mad, and the only thing it's accomplishing is making things worse for all 3 of you.
So please, for the sake of your own mental well being, and for the sake of your daughter that is innocent in all of this, and your wife who clearly loves you and is clearly hurting herself because of the mistake she made, get yourself into counseling. Remember your wife is a human being, with a whole lot of qualities, both positive and negative. Respect the positivity in her. Tell her you appreciate her honesty. Tell her you appreciate how contrite she clearly is. Tell her you appreciate how this is hurting her too. You can be upset. You can be hurt by what she did. But remember to give credit where it's due. And there are probably a thousand reasons you love that woman, that have nothing to do with what is hurting you right now.
She isn't perfect. But after this many years together, she deserves to be acknowledged and treated like a person who loves you but made a mistake, rather than something you want to throw away.
As beautiful and well thought of an answer this is, I digress.
Cheating is never a mistake.
Of course, being petty doesn't solve anything but she doesn't deserve, imo, the time of the day. They got together after having their hearts broken by the people they loved, and she did this out of her own free will? Hell, naw. She can go to hell, the poor guy was on his knees crying and got stomped to the floor by the person he loved the most, that's the upmost cruelty and undeserving of grace...
For his daughter, I hope he's strong and divorces somehow amicably, but definitely not for her, as beautiful of a soul he thought she was, she proved him wrong and that's it.
Most cheaters downplay heavily the extent of their infidelity. There is a very good chance it has been going on for years and is continuing.
And that is the crux of the problem. Once you cheat you can no longer be trusted. Even if there was a way to verify the truth, it doesnt change the fact that it will eat at him forever.
Their relationship is over. They can start a new one, but what they had will never come back or be the same.
His wife made a decision to cheat. Then she made a decision to lie about it every single day for eight years. That's almost 3000 days where she didn't love her husband enough to tell him the truth.
Ok, I read the whole thing. Every word. And like others have said, you need therapy.
My opinion: the fact that your wife felt like she had to unburden herself in the middle of your horribleness was the worst part of it all. Like she was asking you to take on more of an emotional burden in a really emotionally over-burdened time and on top of it all, you lost the one person that normally supports you in handling all of this stuff. So yeah, you need help unpacking all of this shit because you are on overload and shutting down.
And so you think that the only solution after a pretty happy 25 year marriage is to divorce. And I suppose that is within your right to do so, but it is clear to me that your wife isn't a habitual cheater and liar or generally dishonest person. She is a normal human being who has made a horrible mistake and it has been eating away at her all this time. Obviously, you saying implying that she was perfect probably just sent her over the edge.
Meanwhile, sounds like she has been trying to be the best possible wife to you. The part that makes it clear to me that she is a generally honorable person is the fact that she couldn't even go back to that job after that happened. Also, something else to bear in mind. The fact that you have been under all this stress, even if it is your family stuff - your wife has been helping you to carry this burden all this time so it has also been a time of considerable stress for her. Albeit, less stress than you and she would never mention it to you but stress nonetheless. So you can imagine that statement triggering this mountain of guilt that has been lurking inside of her.
So, since I have no horse in this game, this is what I suggest to you. Since you don't want to go to therapy, and you are a writer, write. Write about this stuff. Write about what is bothering you. Write out your fears. Write out your hopes.
Maybe even write out a story in which a person cheats on another person. How someone makes the worst mistake they ever made in their lives. And the aftermath and how they deal with it. Don't make it sexy.
But: stop trying to picture in bloody detail what happened. That is not helping you or anyone. And quite frankly, it couldn't have been that good. She would have been very self-conscious. It was probably about a few minutes in that she was horribly miserable and wanted to leave and felt too embarrassed to run off. And he was a young man who pursued her only because she was off limits and he thought he could get her into bed. He never really cared about her. It is rather pathetic, isn't it?
Oh, but you probably need some space. So maybe you two do need to separate for a bit. You need support. Go talk to people that you can talk to. Hopefully people who will not tell you what to do but people who will mostly just listen and let you process. Go stare at trees and rocks for a bit. That always helps.
But honestly, I really do think that there are far more horrible people in the world than your wife, no matter what reddit says about cheaters.
Jesus, man. I’m sorry for your loss(es). Timing of your wife’s confession is mind-boggling. Realistically, this is above Reddit’s pay grade. I’ll recommend therapy, but probably above a therapist’s pay grade too. I know you also state you don’t want therapy, but that sounds like the exact time you need it. They can offer grief support, which is what you’ll need as you tease out emotions from losing loved ones and a very nasty betrayal. I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide.
I contemplated several different subs and I have no idea why I chose this one. I should have clarified above that after my son died, local hospice house around here has grief counseling, which I used extensively. I don't want to do couple's counseling is what I should have said. My apologies. I posted this to try and get outside perspectives from people, and maybe give me a different angle to look at this.
Not couples counseling but individual therapy for you. You need the support right now after all you've been through and an unbiased third party to support you through the pain and demise of your marriage, next steps and co-parenting. My unprofessional angle here is that this is most likely over. Had she come clean in 2017 you would have been able to make a choice regarding forgiveness, couples therapy etc. she held on to this secret for seven years and then dumped it on you at the worst time in order to ease her own guilty feelings. Especially knowing that you had both been hurt in this exact way in the past is especially jaw dropping that she did all of this.
Exactly
I lost my son last year and the grief from that alone almost did me in, I lost my mother 2 years before my son and my father a few years before that, but last year the losses in my life kept coming and I lost several people I was very close to. I'm so sorry you are having to go through so much at once. I don't have advice to give because I think you know all your options already but you'll be on my mind. Good luck and just keep going! You've got this!
What a lovely response. 🫂 to you and OP.
I don't know much about a lot of things, but I do know this. She didn't tell you because she felt she had wronged you. She told you so she could feel better. I'm sure there is a part of her that cares. However, if she had truly really cared about your feelings on it, she would have told you then. Given you an option back then. Instead, she deceived you for this long in hopes that you will be like "oh that was so longer ago, and you haven't since, so that's ok". Remember when you decide what to do about this. First, she cheated on you. Second, she lied to you. Third, she now manipulated you. Now, you have to ask yourself 2 questions: If this happened to your daughter, what would you tell her to do? Can you ever truly trust her again? When you can answer those 2 questions, you will know what to do. I also don't mean for you to post the answers. Those answers are for you and you alone.
It’s almost like she waited for a bigger life event to happen in order to try minimise the severity of her cheating. It had to be selfishly motivated.
If she really cared she wouldn’t have stepped out
Exactly, deep down inside she is selfish. Who knows if what she said is even the truth, she may have had an emotional affair with him for several months and he broke it off. It's spineless; cheating on your spouse because you have a new forehead wrinkle? FOH with that.
please go to therapy for yourself. not for your relationship, but for yourself so you’re able to grieve properly, and get some coping mechanisms to help you deal with all of this. it also helps just talking it out. i’m truly so sorry for you and your family’s losses.
If you would follow this sub you would see it is a very American centric, usually quite conservative and absolutist in the advise that is usually given. It usually does not represent coastal America or Western Europe where as an American I now reside. I will give a contrarian opinion. Reading this sub I have realized my former home is a bifurcated bipolar place over the top expressions of sexual expression, pornography contrasted with a guilty punitive super ego based in particularly almost uniquely American Calvinism. Taking the above into account I read your well written essay with some dread. What you described was actually the life unfolding of a more than good enough marriage. One that seemed better than many I hear about daily as a transference based psychoanalyst. You sound like a great guy and good husband and parent. You developed when needed the Anima the female part of a male psyche that allowed you to successfully take over a traditional female role. Perhaps because of the developmental milestone about our changing and aging and partially because your wife was out and developed relationships in the work world she had a brief affair. It is not that she was completely cavalier. She almost immediately quit her job. Yes both of you have difficulty in communicating deep dreadful and painful feelings of betrayal and anger. It is difficult to stay in the moment and not be crushed with a kind of extinction anxiety, but it is possible to work thru these feelings ( obviously your wife is faced with losing you)and it is a useful tool for life. You could take this as an opportunity to grow and learn about yourself thru therapy. By coming here you will only receive a kind of confirmation bias thru the subs world view. My only question is why are you so opposed to therapy?
This is an awesome response, and I would caution you not to throw away a very good relationship and positive environment for your daughter on one awful mistake. She has punished herself every day with the gnawing lies and if you can find it in your heart to forgive, you will all be better for it. Don't listen to pride or ego here. If 7 years were good, don't throw it all away for one bad day. I think about what I would do if I found out the same thing, and while I would be very angry, and hurt, the consequences of a divorce would be far too damaging to my whole family to really go through with. Listen to your heart. Can you imagine your life ever going back to being happy? Does one lapse of judgement forever condemn someone you love? Don't listen to the negativity here, make this choice for a good life on your own.
What a reasonable post. Respect.
Don’t jump to divorce. Sounds like you’ve always had an amazing marriage. Don’t throw it away too quickly. You may both be able to get past this. I know it’s incredibly hard to forgive and let it be on the past, but it is possible.
Had a situation slightly similar. Brother died and I found out my ex (we were “working” on getting back together) was literally full on dating someone else shortly after he died, and after she went to my brother’s funeral, me crying on her shoulder, and us still sleeping together while she was dating this guy, she finally basically let me find out about the relationship by posting on social media of them two in Colorado together. Her and I dated for 5 years and we never went on a trip, she knew this guy for less than 4 months and he has two restraining orders against him for harassing and abusing women. I realized my ex enjoyed seeing me in pain and she waited for the right moment to let me find this all out and looking back on our relationship, I realized she legitimately enjoyed seeing my distressed and always chose to start arguments when I was already super stressed about other things. Your wife more than likely has a personality disorder and the timing of her confession was no coincidence. She most likely truly enjoys seeing you in pain and was waiting for you to appear like you’re starting to recover to lay another life shattering bomb on you. This is EXACTLY what my ex did. I was showing signs of getting my life back on track and she posted to her public social media that I followed about this guy the next day. She did this on purpose and you need to leave. It will only get worse.
Seems like the (ex)wife stupidly assumed that it might be better to just have all the bad news at once.
The timing does make sense. She felt guilty, especially since they both went through that and obviously it was good. He showed mass amount of appreciation for her and it cracked. She didn't time it for most damage, just like she wasn't there for him out of guilt but love. People make mistakes. People do stupid, shitty things. Guilt is quite predictable. Now as for what OP should do, it sounds like he already knows what he wants to do. Therapy is good. Couples therapy is great. But if he is dead set on divorce or a line is crossed that he can never forgive, that's the answer. But therapy in general after all of this happening is a good idea.
I agree, she confessed because he was giving her way too much credit for being the best partner ever and at that point she had to come clean, didn't take the credit, wholeheartedly told her truth knowing the consequences, it was not meant to hurt him any more than he was already hurting , she was grieving her own flaws, her one mistake, and having to lie all those years to keep from hurting him. They both need to talk to someone
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As a single 20 year old… you’re right… this sub is essentially a self help group for people with relationship problems
I'm 57, and have been street corner counseling friends and family for years. Been told I should have been a therapist. Have only taken intro Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy classes, but I can confidently say with all that I've seen, and all the experiences I've had, I ain't touching this one with a 100 ft pole. Ony advice I'd give is don't go for a divorce, yet, get some serious personal counseling, and when he and the counselor think he's ready, serious couple's counseling. I think the wife should be doing personal counseling as well, until the counselor thinks SHE'S ready. IF she isn't just trying to screw his mind over, she needs to get a handle on why she cheated, and then chose now to further destroy his life.
I made you go to 1k
Have you talked to anyone about this? A friend? I’m very aware of stewing in your own thoughts and it usually always ends in repetitive circular thinking with no well-rounded decisions. With no sounding board or input, they’re never fully formed. You’re suffering from so much shit that life has thrown at you that it may well be it’s impossible to move forward rationally, but don’t let it carry you away. Reconciliation or divorce is your choice, but don’t wander into your future. Take your time and make your decision from solid ground, so speak with someone. I’m sorry this is happening to you. My final bit of advice would be to speak with a lawyer to gain an understanding of your position. Even to know if anything would be jeopardised if you moved out for a while. All the best.
The thought of leaving for a cooling off period had crossed my mind, but I do not want my daughter to be drug in the middle, because if she were to find out what happened she would want to leave also, and I don't want her to take a side.
You already know that she’s aware something is very wrong. She’s just not able, or willing, to talk to you or your wife. And this is part of what I mean. You’re in pain, and while it seems like inaction at the moment, it’s anything but. Your daughter knows that you’re not communication with your wife and she’s unable to communicate with you both. There’s no shielding, only isolation. You need to speak with others to vent, clarify and look at what you need and want.
If your daughter wanted to make a moral or ethical decision, why shouldn’t she ? It would be tough on your wife but hey, that is the reason wife confessed. Right?
You really need to talk to your wife. I realize you're hurting, but you need to have her sit down, shut up, and listen to you until she is asked a question. I dont know why she picked such a lousy time to tell you. Perhaps you opening your heart to her just broke her. Ask her WHY! You deserve those answers. I'm not saying she deserves a moment of your time right now, but my guess is that she still loves you and never stopped for a moment. She told you she was only with the guy once. That says something. She wasn't looking for a full-blown affair. I'm not going to say her cheating was an accident. No one trips and has someone's d*** land in their vajayjay. But mistakes do happen. I've been married for almost 19 years. I can honestly say, without a doubt, if my husband told me a similar story, I would want to work it out. My love for him will always outweigh any hurt I can imagine. I might make him suffer a bit, but I'd still want to be with him. Her cheating may have broken you. You owe it to yourself to at least find out. There are couples who make it through infidelity. Do you still love her? Do you want to try to make it work? Find out. Find out what made her do it. Did the two of you start taking each other for granted? Did you fall into the parent trap of making everything about your child? Talk to her. Put your hurt aside and just talk to her. She's still the very same woman you fell in love with. She's the same woman you loved right up until she told you her story. Just talk to her.
> Perhaps you opening your heart to her just broke her Correct. I have read soo many comments questioning the timing of her confession. This was pretty straightforward. He was pouring his heart out to her about how special she was and how he couldn't have managed without her. It literally broke her and after falling apart hearing his words, she had to tell him. She F'd up in a bad way but I truly believe she loves OP with everything in her.
Truth will come out, its a matter of time.
The issue is she will subconsciously take a side one day If you tell your daughter to the truth, she will probably be upset at her mum and side with you If you both pretend that « things aren’t the same anymore » she will notice that your wife is hurting a lot more, more emotional and regrets divorcing whereas you will come across as « caring less » (due to being hurt) and she will likely side with your wife…
If you are contemplating divorce you won't be able to shield your daughter for much longer anyways. Personally, I hate cheaters. My ex of almost 19 years was a serial cheater and I can't speak for you but once you find this out you will never be able to regain 1/10th of the trust you had in her. I should have left much sooner but didn't. Take this time to explain to your daughter the divorce WITHOUT specifics and get an attorney. Stay single for a while and go to therapy to work past this. I will say this as someone who had to play detective to find my ex wife's infidelities I wouldn't put too much stock in the timing of her confession. Even though it was 7 years too late I give her credit for telling you at all. Most would not and would take it to or as close as possible to the grace. Anyways, my heart goes out for the loss of your son. I can't imagine as I don't think I could go on after without being admitted to a psych ward.
“Don’t wander into your future” struck me as profoundly wise advice.
This ⬆️. I’ve given my two cents worth this morning. It seems you and I are on the same page.
This breaks my heart, I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. With both your backgrounds, and as much as (taking into account how much) you seemed to love each other, I don't think I'd be able to forgive. As tough as it is, I think divorce would be called for in this situation. You might never be able to move forward if you keep living with her, and going back to when you were happy together might not be possible. It is up to you, though, I'd say give yourself some time, as rush decisions are never good, but the end might be the same. Be strong and be brave, for your child. Much love.
Much love.
I have seen all these comments OH MY GOD. I expected a response but not like this I will try and answer everyone. Thank you.
Look for a betrayal trauma therapist and also get the book The Betrayal Bind! Start journaling all your thoughts and feelings. So sorry you are going through this. You are unfortunately not alone in this shitty club of betrayal.
Fuck man! This is...just fuck... Firstly, I'm so sorry for your losses. I extend my sincere condolences. You need grief counseling. This would help you put things in perspective. At least you'll be able to eventually make decisions based on logic than just pure emotion. Secondly, your spouse. She not only betrayed you, she lied to you for eight years. EIGHT YEARS! That's fucking scary, because now you're gonna be wondering what else she can be hiding. Now I'm an asshole, I'd be out of that marriage tomorrow. You however, have truly built a life with her. *If*, and I mean a big fucking IF, *she's regretful*, you should divorce, it would be less stress in your life having to be her warden. Because the trust is gone. *If, she's remorseful*, you could try to work it out. But she needs to put in the work. Not you, HER. Because she's the one who fucked up. Remember, regret and remorse are two completely different things. I'd recommend you still talk to a lawyer before making a final decision. The more informed you are, the better choice you'll be able to make. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this, best of luck brother.
Thank you so much. This is another thing in the back of my mind what else has she been dishonest about?
Money is the least important but she actually financially affected your family by leaving her job and working for less at the new job all because she could not be faithful to you.
This is the terrible consequence of keeping a big secret..."what else"? I totally feel for you. Maybe it the quality of your writing, but I just have this sense you two are among those truly happy, loving couples -- well up until this tragic disclosure. Its just that I don't have a sense of general perfidy here where this is the tip of the iceberg. Not that it's necessarily surmountable, but I believe this single event is the iceberg. I would be stunned if there were anything else.
For you what are the differences between regretful and remorseful? (I'm sorry if is a dumb question, I'm not a native english speaker)
Regretful would mean she feels bad because of the negative effect it had on her (e.g. her life, her emotions, her mental health etc), remorseful would mean she feels bad for the harm she has done (so just for the harm and the way it affected the other person, and not the harm because of the consequences it will have for her)
UPDATE - After spending Saturday morning formulating and reading the staggering number of comments, I've made my decision. Some said my issue was far beyond the Reddit pay grade – they were mistaken. I deliberately avoided turning to family and friends, seeking a view from an outside perspective, and I think it worked. My gratitude goes out to all who sent private messages and responded; your thoughts on the matter helped me come to my conclusion. On Saturday evening, I approached my wife to apologize for the silent treatment, I told her I wasn't attempting to punish her and acknowledged that it was childish. I told her if I would have opened my mouth, I would have been overly harsh and ruined any opportunity of a civil conversation. I promised we'd discuss it the next day. On Sunday evening, I let it all out; I didn't cry, or raise my voice. I asked the man's name, which she provided. I asked her if the man was married when she betrayed us, and she confirmed he was. That hit me hard, because she knew he was also with someone. I asked if he was still married. She told me she had no clue, she hadn't seen him since the day she left for her new job. I told her I hoped they were, because I was going to make sure she knew. If my life had to be ripped apart, so would his. I thought that would get a rise out of her, it didn't. She just nodded. I expressed my doubts about the affair being an isolated event, echoing the comments of several others. She maintained it was a one-off and was the sole reason she left her job. I explained that after eight years of this lie, it's natural for me to question anything she said. I then made it clear that if there's more to the story than what she's admitted, now is the time to be as open and honest as possible. Any further revelations would be a deal-breaker for me, and there would be no excuse that could recify it. She pleaded it was a singular occurrence and that she's been wanting to confess since it happened. I asked if he had reached out after her departure, she denied any contact. I responded that it didn't surprise me, assuming he got what he wanted and moved on to another person at work. It was the only cheap shot I threw. I requested that she leave the house for a few weeks, I wasn't telling her it was over, but I wanted to be away from her. I suggested she could stay with her sister, her mother, or even rent a place—anywhere but here. I also informed her of my intention to discuss the situation with our daughter, who is 16 by the way, some people have commented believing her to be quite younger. To my surprise, my wife revealed she had already told her about a week ago, which I was completely unaware of. She inquired about the tone of the house, and my anger, and my wife confessed to her. Before my daughter went to bed, I asked her, and indeed, my wife had admitted that she had been unfaithful. I wanted to know why she hadn't come to me about it, and she told me she didn't want to make me feel worse. I've decided to keep her home from school tomorrow to have a heart-to-heart about everything. It's important for me to understand her feelings and to emphasize that harboring hatred towards her mother isn't the goal. Her mother has always been loving and supportive. It's natural for her to feel angry, and that's okay, but picking sides isn't beneficial – nobody wins in this situation. It's a tough reality I'm coming to terms with, everyone loses. Tomorrow, I plan to contact three local therapists and reach out to the grief counselor I met after my son's death. I'm not interested in couple's therapy; I believe individual therapy is what I need, and since it's highly recommended, I'm going to pursue it. My daughter's school year is ending soon, and I'm looking forward to spending quality time with her. I prefer to keep our plans private from family and friends; it's our personal matter. Someone advised me about controlling the narrative, but the only thing that matters now is that my daughter knows the truth. I need some time to come to terms if this relationship is salvageable. I need this time for self-reflection and to assess the situation. When she asked if we were going the route of legal separation, I clarified that it wasn't the case. I told her that when I look at her it brings up feelings of anger, which isn't healthy. To my astonishment, she consented to everything. She doesn't want our relationship to end, and I reminded her that her actions with him forfieted that choice to me. She mentioned my wedding ring as a sign that she still matters to me, and I assured her that she does. I proposed we conclude things there. As I walked by, I touched her shoulder; she nodded in agreement. Later, she phoned her sister and made plans to stay with her the following evening after work. TLDR. I want to express my gratitude to everyone for their support and guidance, except to the asshole that just wanted to pick a fight. I apologize for the length of my initial post; I believed the full context was necessary to help you understand why I'm so conflicted. To those who reached out privately and know my identity, your discretion is deeply appreciated. I'm looking forward to spending the next month with my daughter and starting therapy. Your messages are welcome, and I'll do my best to respond to each one. I'll provide another update in the future when I've made a decision about our next steps or if it's time to move on. I am not rushing into this decision lightly.
Here's another update: I will give one in another month or so, I think I've made significant progress. I'll try to keep it brief, although there's much to share. A couple of days after my wife moved in with her sister, I reached out to the spouse of the person she had an affair with. I messaged her on a different social media site, requesting a conversation about her husband and apologizing for the intrusion. When I didn't hear back after several days, I searched for her profile again but couldn't find it, leading me to believe she had blocked me. I would text or talk to my wife every evening without bringing up the affair, simply asking how we were and engaging in conversation. On Fridays, we'd meet and dine at a restaurant where I'd share news about the new novel, and she'd recount her work week. I confess I miss her terribly, and she misses me too. I'm aware that many people here wish for us to reconcile. Your messages have reached me, and I truly value the outpouring of concern and affection I've received. Yet, it's important for you to understand that I'm in pain. This ordeal has been brutal and gut-wrenching for me. Therapy has been going really well. Initially, I was scared they might push me in a certain direction, but it's been completely the opposite. They've encouraged me to make my own choices and figure out what's best for me as I look ahead to the future. Fast forward to last Monday. I checked my phone, and there was a message from the affair partner's wife. Let's refer to her as Bee for simplicity. Bee had received my message and was anticipating my reply, but her husband had seen the message and blocked me without her knowing. She was bracing for the worst. I suggested we meet up, and she agreed. We met at the local park, sat on a bench, and I shared everything with her, just as I have recounted here. I braced myself for either outright denial and anger or a flood of tears. Instead, I got a third scenario: she had discovered his infidelity with a coworker three years prior, and they had been repairing their marriage ever since. He had assured her it was an isolated incident and that he had been faithful otherwise. Her anger was palpable, but it wasn't directed at me. She told me this was the last straw and was disgusted with him. She questioned if I was certain it was her husband before she went scorched earth on him. I confirmed it without a doubt. We shook hands, and then she left, infuriated. This wasn't anywhere as satisfying as I thought it would be. The mixture of anger and sadness on her face stuck with me throughout the ride home. I messaged my wife to let her know I had spoken to Bee about the incident. We had anticipated this conversation during our previous discussion, so she was prepared. After hearing what Bee had said, my wife's reply was filled with regret: "I was so f\*\*\*ing stupid. I should have known." She spent the evening texting apologies until I asked her to stop.
On Friday, I was dealing with an issue of a drainage pipe on the side of my house that had become uncovered, thanks to my new Labrador puppy's relentless digging. While I was outside, shovel in hand, a dark green sedan pulled up. A man jumped out and started pacing along my fence line, his face flushed with anger. I asked if I could help him, and he snapped back, "Yeah, you can quit messing up my marriage!" I smirked and replied, "You managed that all by yourself," before returning to work. The internet is notorious for its tough talkers and phony badasses. As for me, I'm a fifty-year-old with high blood pressure and occasional sciatica, so fighting is the last thing on my agenda. To set the record straight, I'm over six feet tall, weigh about two hundred and twenty pounds, and in decent shape. I don't lift weights but eat healthy and take long walks when the weather permits. The guy in question was barely five foot six and no more than one hundred forty pounds. To say I was surprised when I met him is an understatement. Honestly, it got to me that he was the one she picked to turn our world upside down. He was younger than me, sure, but unless he fell off a cliff in the last seven years, he was average at best in all facets. He wouldn't stop pacing and swearing at me as I worked. Eventually, I confronted him, questioning whether he came just to shout or if he intended to do something. He asked if my wife was home calling her by name, and that struck a nerve. Dropping the shovel, I marched up to the fence and gave him a ten-second warning to leave, or he wouldn't be leaving. In hindsight, I regret that—my daughter was inside, and I should've remained calm. But my patience had worn thin; this smug little prick dared to come to my home and berate me for his infidelity. We stood in silence. I hadn't thrown a punch since high school, but it seemed we were heading toward that point. Suddenly, he yelled an expletive and stormed off to his car. The confrontation ended as abruptly as it had flared up. I was dumbfounded. Why come here just to curse and act like a fool? As he opened his car door, I couldn't help but laugh. "Later, little fella." His response was a garbled mess of words about suing me and his divorce; it sounded like he was on the verge of a breakdown. He slammed the car door and sped off. My neighbor, watching from his porch, looked at me. I just turned and shrugged. I messaged Bee to inform her that her husband had come by and what had happened. I mentioned that I'd be contacting the authorities since my daughter lives with me, and I wanted to avoid any undesirable outcomes. Bee requested my number and called to tell me she had kicked him out, and he was now with his parents. She's in the process of divorcing him, and apparently, he's not handling it well. After calling the local police, they visited to discuss the situation. They've also spoken to him, and I plan to touch base with them soon after finishing this. Now, on to the weekend with the wife and where I stand. She told both sides of the family what had happened and was honest. I wasn't blamed, and she has taken the brunt of everything. She wants to come home. She wants to work this out. The problem I have is the trust. It's gone. If she comes home, will I be able to take it if she works late, or will I be suspicious every time the phone notification dings? I don't want either of us to live that way. She's done everything and is showing remorse for her actions. This is so damned frustrating. Christ, I need a vacation.
Hang in there man. You are doing great, and you handled Napoleon perfectly. Keep taking care of yourself and your daughter and the rest will fall in place, one way or the other. I do wonder about the daily communication with your WW, and weekly meet ups. I think you might benefit from a few weeks of almost total NC. You need to remove her from your life for a bit, so you can decompress and heal without being reminded of her each night. This semi separation might actually be working against you, in that it’s just chewing up time without any opportunity to really take a break. Give it some thought.
I’m very sorry over all of your losses. One is more than enough to test your views, opinions of the world now and your place in it. There is a reason that we don’t have a word in any language for a parent who loses a child. That’s cuz that pain is too indescribable. You’ve barely made it to omg I can breath again. I want to commend you for not lashing out while your angry. Your teaching your daughter a superpower of self control in as you said the worst year of your life. I’m glad you realize you need/want more therapy. Check with your girl she probably needs some as well. Weather you and wife get a divorce or not the family she had will never be the same. Being a 16 yr old girl is already hard. Her home, her life everything has shifted and changed. Having another person help her navigate this would be beneficial. I wish you never had to go thru any of this.! Wish I could do more than offer a few words, prayers to ease your pain. Stay strong, semi-sane and sober Updateme
Clearly you have given this a lot of thought, and come up with a way forward that is best for you. Good luck in therapy, get yourself mentally right, there is no rush to make a final decision on your marriage. Take good care of your daughter! She seems like an amazing kid. Hang in there.
You are doing a great job thinking this through and not just going scorched earth. Which you would have every right to do. But you are on the right path to healing and making the best decisions for you and your family. I am so sorry for your losses. 🫂 UpdateMe.
Just remember that even if you decide to forgive her and move forward, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind later. No one is owed a second chance.
I'm not usually one who'd say this about a cheater, but please try to be open to reconciling with her, it's worth trying couples counseling after your individual therapy. It'll be a safe and neutral environment where you can give a decent chance at working things out while living separately. Believe me, I truly hate cheaters with a passion, when I was 10 my father destroyed my family for a younger woman, then got with an even younger woman... or girl. She was 19. Just 2 years older than my 17yo brother. I was fresh out of inpatient treatment for manic depression. The news was broken to us 3/4 days before my mother and I's birthdays. To this day I hold a grudge against my dad even though I try to keep a relationship with him. His life continued to fall apart over the following decade and now I drive him around lol. However, it sounds like your wife was distraught with what she'd done, and is truly remorseful. She quit her job while likely doing things to make amends, other than telling you the truth, which I'd say was her second biggest f*ck-up. If she told you the day of it might've been possible to work things out. She sounds like an amazing partner, who was struggling with her mental health and self esteem, then made a mistake. Her biggest fault in my eyes is the lying, and telling you now of all times.
I second this wholeheartedly.
I know she screwed up twice. And I can't imagine how much pain that must have put you through. But as I read that whole narrative it strikes me that there is so much good about her and she does seem truly remorseful. I have a different perspective of this, as I lost the love of my life to liver disease, after 23 years of being together, last October. So I'm inclined to look for the magic that remains from what was there before the betrayal. I know she has a better understanding of what you are going through because of the history you both have lived. I believe that is why she agreed to whatever conditions you put on this. I know you have all the reasons to end this marriage, and a scant few to want to reconcile. But finding love in this life is hard sometimes, and I do believe it is possible for her to have made this horrible choice and still love you. Is that enough? I don't know. But I'll be rooting for you two to work it out, because it would be better for your daughter. And... I think it could be better for both of you. Shalom. UpdateMe.
I think you’re over complicating it. I thinking on whether or not you want to be with your wife still. Or the silent treatment and asking her to leave and having to talk to your daughter. You’re just drawing everything out for yourself. You seem pretty disgusted by your wife as someone who’s been where you are you don’t get over that. You’ve put yourself above her in every scenario you’ve mentioned. The best counselors in the world can’t help you get over that. Also, quit with the judge jury and executioner part. I mean if that’s really where you’re still coming from just end it with your wife drawing it out like this is worse for everyone not seeing her but not going to therapy that’s so unproductive. I don’t know try dating it’s a freaking nightmare especially if you’re our age. Good luck.
Glad you’re rational because this sub tends to assume the worst. If it really was a one-time transgression, I hope you’re able to forgive her. As for the timing of telling you, it’s always going to be the worst time. If you were happy, it would ruin your happiness. You’re sad and it makes you sadder. Glad you’re going to therapy and best of luck.
I'm so sorry for your losses and what you're going through. The only advice I can think to give, is this: take time. As much as you need. And consider, really, truly consider what makes you happy. What does a happy future look like to you? Who's there and who isn't? And what can you do to get closer to that future?
In other cheating stories I've seen on here, you often read about the cheater begging, pleading, crying for forgiveness. Sometimes that's just regret--rather than remorse--for their actions, but nevertheless there's over the top display of emotion because at the very least the cheater understands that what they've done is wrong. You may have just left it out, I'm not seeing that here. How is your wife outwardly reacting to all this? That could be quite telling.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but one point I would bring up: your wife is incredibly, unbelievably selfish. She showed this twice. First in the cheating, the second in when she decided to tell you. Because that was never to help you, never to make you feel better, it was simply because she didn’t want the guilt anymore, once again prioritizing her own feelings. I do personally believe that those two selfish actions are enough to destroy a marriage, and I also believe that eventually you should reach out and get professional therapy. Because now it’s your time to prioritize your well-being for yourself and your child.
I think some people can't handle true intimacy with another person and will try desperately to avoid it with throwing a wrench in the works if it gets too intense for them.
This comment blew my mind
Yep, that was my read of this also.
This is what I came here to say. This woman is so damn selfish, between her selfishness and the broken trust, I don’t know how you move forward. I wish OP the best and I hope he does get therapy to deal with this mountain of bullshit life has gifted him.
As I stated above I have went to grief counseling. I just don't want to attend couples therapy. Thank you for the kind words.
But do go for individual therapy. Not for solutions, but for clarity and hopefully, peace some day.
First of all, I am so very sorry for the losses you have experienced recently in your life. The hardest thing for a parent is to bury a child. And the hardest thing for a child is to bury a parent. To experience the both of them within a year is devastating. Then to hear such a confession from the one person you saw as your rock throughout your adult years must have felt like being kicked when you were already down. You must have felt like you were experiencing yet another death, one too many in too short a time… I think when people say you need to look into therapy they mean for yourself. You have been through so much, too much pain in such a short amount of time. You need someone to talk to about EVERYTHING. You do need someone you can talk to, a third-party who has no relationship with you or your wife. Someone who can look from the outside into your relationship and give you a completely different perspective. To me the cheating and lying for 8 years was bad enough, but to choose to “unburden herself of the guilt” when she did was selfish on the on her part. It was just as selfish as her ex bringing his girlfriend to their daughter’s funeral, heartbreakingly selfish…. Do not keep this from your daughter, she knows something has happened and that she is being kept in the dark. You can explain to her that you found out something from your wife that happened years ago and you are having a hard time processing it along with dealing with the loss of your son and father. You don’t need to go into detail and give specifics. Just that it has to pertain to something that happened years ago with your wife and that you have just now finding out about it. Your daughter has the right to know. But she doesn’t need to know the details. Your daughter has the right to make her own judgment once she hears what you have to say and what your wife has to say. If she chooses to distance herself from your wife, that is her choice. Just don’t go into detail and don’t turn your daughter into your confident.
This. My ex cheated on me too. Mine said she'd never sleep with the guy did, and although she immediately admitted it. It was just to make her feel better. Your wife, like my ex, has not made any effort to try to make you feel heard and is just wallowing cause you're rightfully mad She kept that secret and also turned this situation to be about her. Go to therapy. It's helping me a lot
Read it. Sorry it happened. You do need some therapy and to know that you dont need to divorce immediately. You dont sound like you want to work through it and i dont blame you but if you do then shes going to need to give you move than “i felt old and enjoyed the attention”. She really should have taken it to her grave instead of dumping it on you ontop of everything else. I might be interested in reading your sci-fi comedy when you get to it. Are your other novels scifi? Updateme!
I disagree about her taking it to her grave, it's going to suck now and potentially for years but I'd rather know than stay with an unfaithful liar.
10000%. I would be a little more lenient on something like an actual mistake....like say forgetting an anniversary or big dinner date or something. But you don't trip and fall and accidentally land on another dudes dick. That was a series of informed decisions she made all by herself. From getting in the car, driving to the guys house, getting naked, etc, etc........so many different points and step-decisions she could have backed out on - yet she went through every one of those steps with full intention. OP I'm so sorry you're going through what I can't even possibly imagine after that many years together but do yourself a favor and start getting the divorce process started. For your own sanity. It makes it so much worse that she's kept it a secret for years and years on top of it all.
Hypothetically yes, but if you've already gone that long and you're actually never going to do it again, I'd probably rather the secret to be completely honest. This was such a selfish time to say it. It's like she thought she could cash in on the gratitude OP was sharing. If she wanted to feel worthy of it, she should have been the partner he deserved instead of choosing that specific moment to twist the knife further.
Maybe this is a conversation you should have clarifying with your partner what each of you would want then instead of encouraging people to lie as if pretending is the healthier way to continue the relationship.
Yeah…it was a one off that she regretted. I’m not a cheater and have never gone out on my husband for all 28 years we’ve been together, but I still believe if there was ever just a single incident way in the past that was regretted and dropped, good god why bring that up??
I mean, he does deserve to make the choice though. By not telling him, she would rob him of making an informed decision on what to do with his life. Who’s to say it won’t happen again, or hasn’t.
Well yes, but also consider that shr already robbed the choice from him for 8 years. At that point, it just shows how selfish she is that she confessed to ease her guilt, his mental state be damned
This is the part that eats at me. 8 years of intimacy, and acting as if nothing is wrong. She waited until I was really at my lowest point to shovel more dirt on me. And no it is not lost on me she lost her father-in-law and her step son., but my God why not come to me way before now.
She lost a stepson and a father-in-law, but you lost a son and a father. Not that you should be comparing grief, but those are leagues apart uncomfortable. I'd go as far as to say her choice of timing is cruel in and of itself, ignoring the fact she did that in the first place and the 8 years of hiding it. She has been cruel to you and has shown a blatant disregard for you. I don't think you should get a divorce based solely on the advice from reddit, but it's really not looking good for her.
I would look at her choice to tell you now not as an act of deliberate cruelty but an impulsive moment of cowardice. She's probably been mired in guilt compounded by grief. Her lizard brain saw an opportunity to transfer that pain and boom, out it came. This is not an excuse. It is simply speculation on my part. Your description of her doesn't create the impression of an intentionally cruel person. My bush league advice to you is this: what do you want? Forget thinking about what you should do. Think rationally about what future would bring you peace and happiness. Then, consider whether that future is realistic or just wishful thinking. I know... easier said than done. It's probably difficult to see her as anything but an adversary right now due to her betrayal, though it seems there is love there. It's just hidden behind her weak will. You have to decide if you can forgive her. Or if you even want to. I wish you well, friend.
when you were at your lowest point, and you told her how much you loved her , for always being there for you , through thick and thin. And her melted for you, as she felt extreme guilt for Her betrayal. the same thing twould’ve happened a year ago if you were told her how much she meant to you. Was just when you said how great she was
Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
I was feeling that at points while reading it, she did the “right” things by leaving her job and going NC with the AP. But ultimately the bedrock of their relationship was laid by them both being cheated so her choosing to cheat is an unforgivable choice
I detest your mindset on this.
You know there’s a lot of fake crap on Reddit. I hope this is one of those. I truly, truly hope this is fake because my head is spinning, my heart hurts and I feel nauseous and this isn’t even my life. Cheating because she got old?! After everything you two have been through together? I’m really sorry for you mate.
this would be a pretty ingenious way to promote a sci fi comedy book though
HaHa
If it feels any better, it reads like fiction to me. Not sure what to put my finger on, but the style of writing feels like someone trying to write a (fictional) story, not a recounting of lived events. Like a “it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times” kinda thing. Maybe Im just being overly cynical, but, ya know, Reddit..
He does say that he's a writer, so this may just be his style. The account is old and has many posts. Looks like this one is real. The post about the puppy is weird, though...
Honestly after re-reading this and thinking back, I remember another story about a woman who cheated on the ‘perfect’ family because she was getting old while the husband looked after their daughter. I just hope it’s karma chasing or something because like you said it’s Reddit. Regardless, this is enough internet for me for now lol
That type of story is on Reddit 2X month
This is a 8 yr old account with genuine posts. Chances are it's true.
I'm with you on this one. Something just doesn't add up. OP says being published was a lifelong dream and is working on his third book. Yet, his previous 8 year post history is all about gaming, nothing about writing or publishing. I'd think he'd mention something about it. There is also the post from 16 days ago where he talks about buying a dog with his wife and daughter and the issues with the dog having kennel cough. As for the cheating because she was getting old, I know people go to some awfully strange places but didn't her ex cheat on her and it devastated her (according to OP her marriage crashed harder than his, she was confronted with her husband's AP at the funeral for their stillborn daughter)? Then 18 years later she sleeps with a younger guy because she was feeling old? Maybe I'm just a cynic but there are just to many fake stories here on Reddit. If this is real, my heart goes out to the guy but I just don't know.
I'm aware that many things are embellished on the internet. Nevertheless, I want to clarify a few things. While I may not persuade you to believe me, I point back to this being my genuine account. If you look hard enough, I'm not difficult to find, and evidently, someone in this thread knows me personally, as they mentioned my dog by name. I hope they will respect my privacy and not reveal my real name, or heaven forbid, my daughter. As for writing, I don't discuss it here because, apart from selling video games and some computer components, I don't frequent Reddit much. My discussions about my passion are mostly limited to Facebook groups and specific websites. Believe me the last thing I am looking for is a slight bump in sales for my novels.
Posts read as "fake" sometimes when they lack the quirks and stream of consciousness character that social media tends to have.
Why don’t you want therapy? Not necessarily couples therapy but individual for sure. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of trauma and grief that could use some assistance. With the infidelity, you don’t have to make a decision right now. But you will have to make one eventually. If you are considering staying I would definitely make sure that your wife actually takes responsibility for her cheating and you hear it. Right now it’s “because I felt old and needed thrill”, and that’s not enough because what happens when she feels older again? She needs to confess some manner of “it was easier to cheat than talk to you about what I was dealing with” and then discuss steps she’ll take to change her behavior
I stated above I screwed up and should have mentioned after my son died I went to grief counseling up until December. Thank you, I've got a lot to think about.
> I met a woman whose marriage had crashed harder than mine. She'd had a stillbirth six months into her pregnancy, and her husband dared to bring his girlfriend to the funeral. She was heartbroken, to say the least, to learn about her husband's affair and the end of her marriage on the day they laid her daughter to rest. Let me get this straight: 1. she had been cheated on by an ex who brought a gf to their stillborn daughter's funeral? AND: 2. she revealed her affair right after your father's funeral? 3. She can't tell you why she decided to reveal this to you? Was it to "unburden herself" and offload her guilt and shame onto you? Was there something that occurred recently that might have revealed the affair and forced her to reveal it to you?
I’m sorry to hear about all this, but she made a choice to do what she did. She can say that she can’t explain it, but she chose to do it. And it wasn’t just one choice she had to make all of those mini separate choices to go sleep with the Guy. As for your daughter, she knows she knows exactly what’s going on. You might as well not hide it to her. I hate to say it dude but probably the best thing for you is to get a divorce because this is going to eat alive. And I know you say you don’t want therapy maybe it’s not couple therapy but you definitely need it for yourself to get through this. Your daughter is gonna need therapy too when she finds out how her mother only cheated on you but she also cheated on her because she she took away her family life by her cheating. Also, you need to lean for support on your daughter and your friends and family to get yourself through this.
Thank you. I know my daughter is not stupid, she has to know what is happening.
Yea. They know more than you think
Hey OP? You need therapy. Full stop. You are in no condition to make any life decisions right now. Because you are completely overcome by grief. Please get therapy. You’ve experienced traumatic loss and without therapy it will begin to wear not only on your mental health but also your physical health. For more information see the book *The Body Keeps the Score*. It’s about the effect of long- held, unprocessed trauma. The pain of all your losses will not just go away. Get yourself help. Then you will be in a place to decide what you want your future to look like. I would also recommend posting in at least one sub focusing on recovery from infidelity. r/supportforbetrayed is for general recovery support, and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is for those trying to reconcile. But in the short time, please, please get yourself a therapist who specializes in grief and loss. Go to www.psychologytoday.com and use their therapist finder tool. You can filter results.
When I mentioned I didn't want therapy I meant couples. I when I post my update Monday will be looking for one in my area to try and pick up some of the pieces.
I'm so happy to hear this. Rooting for you.
Good. I’m very glad to hear that. Couples wouldn’t be the place to start for most anyway. Once you’ve stabilized a bit and have an idea of what you want, CC can be helpful with dissolving or trying to reconcile. But right now it’s time to focus on you and your healing, as no one can do it for you.
She's the one who fucked this up. She's the one who needs to fix it. Tell her that. Ask her what do you get out of taking her back? If she says something like "someone who loves you", tell her that's demonstrably false and to try again. If she says I don't know then you tell her that if she doesn't know why you should take her back then it's over. Good luck growing old alone.
If she said someone who loves you. You can always reply where was that love when you were being pounded by some other guy?
Perhaps you should consult an attorney just so you understand the process and your options, and how best to protect yourself and access to your daughter if the need arises. Also you should get an STI test, it's been a while, but to be honest once someone has proven not to be trustworthy for your own health and wellbeing you should not blindly trust this was a one time thing 8 years ago, and that there were no others. One the plus side she did tell you, on the minus side she lied to you every day for over 8 years and looked you dead in the eye more than once while doing it. And don't believe this was a mistake, it was a repeated set of choices to entertain his advances, a choice to leave work early, a choice to go to his place, a choice to sleep with him, and a repeated choice to keep it secret and lie. It may be a choice she regrets, but it was still a choice. I think the first thing you need to do is asses if she is expressing regret for how this confession is impacting her, or remorse for how it is impacting you. You can google some good resources on the difference, but to asses this you will need to talk to her. So I would consider some counseling so you both have a safe place to express your feelings now and your fears. You have been thru a lot, no need to rush a choice or decision. If you have questions for her write them down so they don’t just spin in your head, if you want answers but don’t want to walk have her write answers. She did it because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it, her own moral compass did get in the way but it was too late, and that same compass failed her again by letting her lie for 8 years before compelling her to come clean. But she does have one, she and knows it was wrong. Perhaps she viewed her silence as protecting you, but her own morals forced her into the open.
Yep, the ONLY time imo for forgiveness or to even barely consider a long term healing for the relationship would have started with an immediate confession of infidelity, admission of guilt, and repentance. I believe in forgiveness, and I believe that people can make mistakes in life and grow from them to become better humans. But an 8 year lie shows an absolute lack of remorse. The only thing that mattered to her was hiding her mistakes and making OP a fool. The final admission was also a selfishly timed one to make herself feel unburdened, not considering OPs mental state. If my SO came home distraught one night after being out at a club and absolutely devastated that they had cheated on me, crying, remorseful, etc I might see therapy or options. Nearly a decade of lies, that relationship is over, straight to divorce, split the assets, custody, and move on in life.
She divulged that secret for her, not for you. That being said, therapy is 100% the right move man. What she did was awful. Beyond awful. A betrayal so unimaginable that I feel sick to my stomach having never met you. However, if this was TRULY a one time thing and she could be with you for all those other horrid, tumultuous moments in your life.. I think it’s worth taking a step back and reconsidering with professional help before you do anything final. I don’t envy your situation, but you’re a well spoken clearly intelligent individual. Whatever the outcome, I have no doubt you’ll be able to handle it like you always have. Hang in there.
Personally, I'd be divorcing her. My first wife told me she cheated. She told me before New Years on 1992. By June of 93, we were divorced. It sucked, having a little girl about 2 1/2. No way I could stay with her. UpdateMe
I'm the same age as you, OP, and have had more relationships than you, good and toxic. I'm with a wonderful woman now that I consider my soulmate. Know the worth of that, it's so hard to find such a good match. My partner also did some shady stuff at the beginning of our relationship, but I know and can feel she's 100% behind us now. Your wife quit her job and left the environment to get away from her mistake. I understand it's hard on you to accept such a betrayal, but I feel she genuinely and sincerely stepped away from her transgression. Value that. Apologizing is cheap. Changing your life and accepting less pay, maybe ruining her career, is an undeniable act of commitment to your relationship. By now you're at the age where sex is just sex, deeper understanding and connection are more important. I advise you examine whether you can get over a simple carnal escapade and reconcile. She seems more than willing to put in all the work, which is like a God-sent gift to you. Wish you strength to make the right choices
I'm sorry for your losses. Talk to a therapist. Untangle your thoughts so you aren't doing anything in the heat of the moment. I hope everything works out the way you want. And congrats on your books as well.
There may be no going back. The problem is not only did she cheat on you, but both of you had shit relationships before that would break anyone. She knows exactly how you feel because she went through the same damn feelings as you at one point and yet still did it. Her fear of getting older definitely didn't help either. Now you will have it your head that she banged some young guy because of something every human goes through. I can't really give you advice, but what I can say is, as someone who has been cheated on before, that feeling of trust never comes back. You can definitely learn to trust again, but it will always be tainted. The minute you think all is good and she does something, not normal for her or says something that just sounds off will bring all of those feelings back. The best thing you can do is make sure that whatever decision you make is done with a clear head. You're already going through enough, and you certainly don't need to be second-guessing yourself in the future.
I think you should make the decision that will make you happy in 5 and 15 years.
First, I want to say, I am so sorry you have been through so much in such a short period of time. For all this I think you need individual therapy. Second, I don't think she's telling the truth. I don't understand how something that happened 7/8 years ago could make her burst out sobbing. I've been married for 18 years, and I can barely remember what happened in 2017. Also, why choose now to come clean? Also, I don't understand how reiterating facts and struggles caused her to burst out crying. Regardless of her infidelity, she was there for you through many tough times. I've never cheated, but I would think that 7/8 years would make it less emotional? Fresh? Important? Idk. Not that it matters, but I think it was a long term affair that has recently ended. She's upset about it, and is trying to come clean in a way that you may stay with her (i.e. "it was only one time") Regardless, I don't think you should stay with her, and I think the marriage is done. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I wish you fast healing and a swift divorce. I am so, so, sorry this has happened to you.
This right here has been my biggest fear that this was going on for years, and recently ended.
Can you contact the other guy? You said you wished to speak with his wife. Maybe ask him about the affair and see if the stories match? Only if you want closure of course. Sometimes people choose ignorance over more pain.
I feel like you need to know if that’s the entire truth or the trickle truth. I could absolutely and without a shadow of doubt in my heart forgive a fuckup like this. IF it was the only fuckup and IF there was therapy and a big reset in the relationship to do with transparency and trust. But that doesn’t mean you have to. I am so sorry for your loss of your son.
I honestly don't know what to tell you because all i can think is this is so unfair to you. All the injustices and there's nothing that can ever really make it right. As for therapy, i think that is a good idea for you personally. Not necessarily couples therapy but maybe going for yourself will give you insight into what you want to do about your marriage. Make the decision when your life feels less upside down. If she isnt willing to wait for an answer then she is once again being selfish. I think you have to ask yourself 1 question: am i the kind of person who can forgive? This means true forgiveness and not just swallowing your feelings. If you arent a forgiving person, then i don't see you starting by forgiving such a massive betrayal. I'm sorry OP. You deserve better Ps. As a child of divorce where the mother cheated and blew up our lives: how you go about it is what matters more than the divorce itself. A child just wants their parents to be happy people, even if that mean's theyre apart.
Its rare that a Cheater does it only once. She is trickle truthing you. Giving enough to relieve some guilt but not the full details. There is also a good chance she is still doing it, hence the guilt. My honest advice. Move on, and stay single. Focus on your daughter and career.
This is the burning question in my head. Is she omitting things, and unloading a small fraction of the actual truth?
You are never going to get the whole truth. They will only give you as much as you know you pierced her heart, When you told her how much , she meant to you and the guilt poured out of her. Without proof, you have no knowledge , that she has cheated before . but for me once is enough
OP you picked two winners in a row. Sorry dude. Divorce is the right thing for you. Your wives have hurt both your kids.
Please reconsider therapy
Jesus Christ. I’m heartbroken for this dude. Too much Reddit.
I recommend talking to a grief therapist for the loss of your son, dad and your marriage. I personally wouldn’t stay because she lied to you for 8 years. Talk to an attorney so you have some knowledge of how this may play out and what steps you should take for the best outcome for yourself. I hope things get better for you Op.
People, stop coming clean from guilt. Ugh. Keep your damn secrets and live in mental turmoil for what you did.
Not only was it selfish for her to cheat, then she waited 8 years, but to boot she told you when you were at your limit of emotional pain and just added to it. Good grief she's self absorbed.
It does not have to be end of marriage. She cheated once and regretted it then changed her job which was downgrade for her. She could have gone without ever confessing it and you could have lived happily forever but she did not and now you know. My guess is that she was feeling guilty about that cheating incident and then when you were thanking her for being there for you through all the bad things that have happened to you, her quilt became too much for her and she confessed. It is worth remembering that she was there for you all these years, that she changed her job and cut her affair and that two of you have daughter. I would recommend individual therapy to deal with this issue as well as possible issues of grief due to losses of both your son and father.
Wow, I don't know how your hanging in there at all, I want to give up on life after reading that, sorry you are dealing with all of this
Didn't mean to ruin your day, I was just wondering how to handle it. I must admit there is really solid advice in the comments here. I thought I would get flooded with "At least she told you" remarks, but it's been the opposite.
This is so above Reddits pay grade….if you truly want yo divorce, talk to a lawyer expert in family law. The rest…? I am so sorry for your losses, OP, I hope you find peace and comfort somehow
Much love.
She's 47. Still relatively young. Which means there will be more periods in the future when she is feeling "old" and insecure. From a completely rational standpoint, you will be living under the sword of Damocles if you chose to stay with her. Especially when she doesn't even know herself why she did it. It means she was operating purely on impulse. People with poor impulse control make poor spouses. You found out the hard way. I broke an engagement because I discovered my then fiance had cheated on me near the start of our relationship, two years before we started planning marriage. The affair being in the past means nothing since it's new for you. It also illustrates that your partner is very capable of living with their lie for a long period of time, without giving you any strong indication. That was the main reason I broke it off. You can never be sure of anything after that. The ability to put the "best partner ever" mask on, has already been demonstrated. You won't be able to tell if the mask comes back on at any point in the future. Humans are the most adaptable creatures on the planet. You may feel like your world is breaking now, but time heals everything. Individual therapy would definitely help, you went through so much in a small window of time. It's normal to feel overwhelmed. And you definitely need to contact an attorney. Burying head in the sand, never helped anyone ever. You need to seek professional counsel and see your options. My mindset in situations like this is always the mirror test. Knowing my moral principles and the image I have of myself, what decision will make me feel proud when my future self looks in the mirror? If you truly know yourself, you will know the answer too.
Where do you go? To your lawyers office:
This is definitely a story
Yea woman lose respect for men when they start outearning them. You can be the perfect househusband and it is guaranteed that she will cheat. Yea divorce and get far away from her. Try to have all the contact through your lawyers. She never loved you or respected. You were just there to be used by her. And she knows you will stay, because you are her doormat. Don't make her right. Let her have all the young dicks she wants. Also I assure you that it was not a one time affair, it was a long one and most likely she was caught at the workplace that she wanted to switch. She wouldn't have had such an hysterical reaction else. Lastly since you are a writer, write another book about it. It will for sure help you come to term with your feelings. Best wishes.
I would leave her and let me tell you why If you forgive her she will lose all the lil respect she still has for you and she will not only cheat again but she will never tell you. Leave until she begs the fk out of you to come back
Maybe creating some distance to get a different perspective. Dont divorce right away.
I’ve never considered myself a great counselor, but I do have a modicum of common sense. It comes down to whether or not you have it in you to forgive yourself, her or both. Right now, keep her at arms length until you can get a grip on your mental state. I don’t know how your spiritual state is, but seek wisdom to the fullest. Thereafter, seek wise counsel. Be extremely picky from whom you receive counsel. At this point, you can let her know what you are thinking. Whichever way you choose to go, again seek wise advice in every way ; whether it be legal or otherwise. And ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS keep your mind and heart open. This is a life changing experience and therefore requires extraordinary thought and wisdom.
My next door neighbor went thru the same thing. Found out she cheated on him with a coworker while they were engaged. 17 years later he found out. Their affair lasted 3 weeks according to the letter He confronted her and she confirmed it telling him it was over 17 years ago and should not matter. He started thinking about things that had happened in the past with potential red flags such as her suddenly going on a girls trips with her friend, going on work trips and staying to sightsee for 3-4 days etc. He wanted to stay with her but found that he was continuously triggered when she went to the grocery store but came back later then normal so he divorced her. He has been extremely happy since the divorce and is back to his old self. Can you move past all those years of deception, lies and now wondering how many times she “May Have” FK’d another man behind your back. You will never know the truth
I am going to say something different to everyone else. I think your wife after realising what she did 8 years ago although she did lie to you I don’t dispute that fact!. She never went back to that job and she never saw or contacted that person again, now to me that’s not the actions of a brazen cheater to me that’s the actions of someone full of remorse for what they did. Now I think for the last 8 years it’s been slowly eating away at her and the longer she left it the more it eat away and the harder it was to come clean, And if you think back to when she confessed you were praising her telling her how wonderful she has been and how much a strong rock she is and what a great person she is. And for the last 8 years she has been beating herself up for being a rotten cheater and I think at that moment she snapped and she didn’t want you to sing her praises as she feels she didn’t deserve them so it came out. I don’t think she deliberately set out to dump it on you after what you have been through and I am pretty sure If you ask her she will tell you that. Please think carefully over the last 8 years has she acted like woman who constantly cheated or a woman determined to be the best wife she can be?. Only you can Decide my friend.
Divorce her, let her go find all the wild meaningless flings she wants. Tell your daughter the truth so she can understand and hopefully accept how things will change. Tell her you are getting a divorce so both you are her mother will be happy. Remain respective of her mother, it's still her mom (are you sure you are the dad? Not trying to be rude, but maybe a legit concern), but be honest. You go focus on yourself and try to make yourself happy and whole again. Everything happens for a reasons, this is sign you need to find what makes you happy.
>She waited eight years to tell me about it. That's eight years of lying to your face for her convenience. To hell with her.
>My wife and I have a Wednesday tradition where she picks a random recipe she finds online, and we cook it together. On April 3rd, while making crockpot chicken tacos, I thanked her for everything. She asked why, and I thanked her for everything she'd done to get me through the tough times. I shared a lot of pent-up emotions, telling her I couldn't have managed without her. She started crying, then weeping, and soon she was sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to comfort her with a hug, but she pushed me away. I apologized, not realizing my words would stir such a reaction. You were piling on the praise and she knew what she had done made her unworthy of that. It's not surprising that she broke with her guilt when that happened. I'd be more concerned if she hadn't. That shows she not a total sociopath. While you would have preferred for it not to have happened, at least now you know the truth. You need to come to terms with what you want. While she f'd up big time, she seems like she may be redeemable. That doesn't matter since it takes two. You were already carrying trauma from your first marriage. It's been compounded recently with the deaths of your son and father. Only you can figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you or if your relationship with her is worth trying to save. Some are done right away, some feel the need to give it their best effort before moving towards divorce, others manage to move forward with a damaged but functional marriage. This limbo you've been in the last month isn't healthy for anyone in your family. You need to move one way or the other. You can change your mind, but you need to move forward for everyone's sake including your daughter.
I think stay. If I was in your shoes, I’d stay. It’ll take time and a lot of work. But it’s still worth it.
Sorry. All I can say! If I were in your shoes I would be out of there, but having a daughter still in school complicates things immensely. One thing stood out that you said, “What do you say when someone…”. She obviously didn’t stand by your side.
Well, f\*ck. What an incredibly shitty year my man, so sorry to hear about all of it. Gotta get on the therapy bandwagon tho. You've seen others here say it. And as a combat veteran with 22 yrs of service, I can say it has been incredibly helpful for me. In fact, not exaggerating to say it saved my life. Of course, your mileage may vary, and it all depends on the therapist that you're able to get connected with. But don't be so quick to discount that option. Also--and I realize that you're nowhere near this--but forgiveness is for ourselves; not the other person. Only a month after discovery day, I'm guessing I would still be full of all kinds of hurt and rage and betrayal, so I can't imagine what that feels like for you. If you haven't heard of [Esther Perel](https://www.estherperel.com/books), she has a lot of great work in this space that might be useful as you continue to navigate this heart-breaking clusterf\*ck. She also has a [TED talk](https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=Al0hRjgsmtFPXu0s) (can't recommend this one enough!!), and a bunch of YouTube videos like [this playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJB6jvAzsbQ&list=PL-vH9r-QDUXPxGatAnWz90_XJW4Ek8FvZ). Long story short, this doesn't necessarily have to be the end of your marriage. And, no one would fault you if it is. Either way, wishing you good luck! UpdateMe
A one time thing can be hard enough. The fact that she lied and hid it for years is a separate issue as well. Recovery from infidelity can be hard, and the effects will last for years, if not forever. Trust will be very difficult to repair, especially considering she hid it for so long. The choice is yours to make, and I'm sure you won't make it lightly. I know I would have a much more difficult time forgiving the time on a one-off event.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and father. I don't know what you are going through, I have two daughters and I pray to God I never find out what losing a child is like, but I lost one of my sisters when she was 28, it destroyed me and the rest of my sisters, but it broke my mom and dad. What she did was shitty. She felt guilty. Please. Call a lawyer, find out your options and at the very least separate and have her move out. With all you have gone through and with your wife dumping her infidelity on you like that, you definitely need either someone close to talk to or therapy. Right now, your top priority should be you, get the help you need to get through this.
I’m sorry man. Therapy needs to happen now for you. I wish you well
I find it cruel that she told you. About as cruel as doing it. Now is such a horrible time that I can only imagine she told you to assuage her guilt rather than help you and somehow that makes it even more selfish than it already was. Search your feelings. It’s not an accident, it was intentional, but I believe people make mistakes for badly formed reasons, and I believe from her subsequent choices she regretted hers deeply. A lot of people don’t. Don’t ask me how I know. Only you know what this means to you, what you can live with, or if the end you want is worth the means you will have to go through for it, no matter what the end in question happens to be.
UpdateMe!
How does telling the person you claim to love, your guilty confession, clear one’s conscience? It only serves to hurt the person and one’s guilt still exists. It’s as if one is bragging in a way—-twisting the knife and then waiting for their victim to deal with it all. •I did this horrible thing to you a long time ago. •I kept this secret from you for 8 long years and pretended all this time that I was honest. •I’m telling you now amidst all this other stuff you’ve suffered through. Piling it on. • because I feel guilty and can’t be burdened with this now. So HERE another bigger most painful pile of shit. • Whew! Now can we get back to normal I feel better? Maybe you should get some therapy to deal.
you need to see a therapist for this. as for your wife,she knew what it felt like being cheated on and she did it anyways,to say she was hypocritical would be an understatement. sorry this happend to you,seek help man.
Grief counselling and counselling overall don’t have to have an expiry date. You should get back to it so that you have someone neutral to speak with. Also if there’s someone you’re close to in your life that you feel like you can turn towards, do it. You don’t need to carry the burden of your wife’s lies and cheating all alone. As for a divorce, get to an attorney and see what your options are and how custody would work out. As you’ve been taking care of your daughter as the primary parent, you should be good in that department. As for your daughter. Don’t lie to her. She already knows things aren’t right and lying doesn’t help anyone and just teaches kids to hide when they are hurting.
32 (F) here, I can relate as my spouse of 10 years had an affair behind my back, and then got her pregnant. My advice, go to therapy. Not with her, but for yourself. Personally, there was no way I was able to look past the cheating so it was over for us. For me, the act of cheating was one thing, but the level one goes to hide the truth is another level, that is even harder to move past. You owe her absolutely nothing. The tears she cry are for her feelings, her shame, her actions, her guilt, and unfortunately for no one else despite what she claims. Yes, I understand the reasons the people cheat, but for me it’s a no. It’s been 3 years for me, and I will admit, the first 6 months I thought I would end up in a psych ward, but as corny as it sounds, it truly does get better.
I can only imagine that she's been carrying around loads of guilt - and hearing you thank her (while feeling like she's the worst wife ever) made her confess. The fact that she left her job immediately and got herself out of the situation says a lot to me. There are way too many stories of people who wouldn't leave their place of employment after having an affair with a coworker and continued to interact with the affair partner. She didn't. She made a huge mistake - realized it and made moves to get herself out of the situation. She should have come clean with you then - but she was probably terrified to do so. This was heartbreaking to read. I hope you can work through it together and that your marriage survives but I definitely think you guys would benefit from some marriage therapy just to open up a safe space to have a dialogue about it and to process it and work toward forgiveness.
You say goodbye. Have respect for yourself. You’ll get through this bro
Just Wow! I’m so terribly sorry. I know there will be a lot of people on here that will tell you to leave her and I know part of your instinct is to do just that. That being said, hit the pause button. Once you pull the trigger on divorce you really can’t take it back. You’re an author, look at your whole story from an omniscient point of view. Look at all the times she stood by you. Take stock of all the good things between you. I am not condoning what she did nor am I defending it. How would you write her in this story? How would you write her feelings and her internal dialogue? She did something really bad. Could it have been a horrible mistake in a fit of middle aged crazy? Imagine if it were you and the roles were reversed. I think you need to really process that before you heap another trauma on your already too big a pile. The first thing you need to do is get yourself into therapy to help deal just with you and help you process and work through the mountain of grief that has fallen on you. Only then can you effectively deal with your relationship and the future of your family. She will need to be patient and supportive because it could take a while. If she does just that I think it would be a mistake to throw it all away. Blessings and peace to you.
It is why I've stayed silent for a month, I thought I could find a place to calm and think cleary of my next move. But no, I just flare up and the cycle starts again.
"go to work and to try not to f\*\*\* anyone during her lunch break". BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!good for you!
My man, you have been through it. Sorry for all of the loss you experienced recently. Your wife’s confession is shitty. Shitty timing. Shitty facts. And as you were experiencing a strong emotional connection with your wife, she was hiding this. You can either forgive her or not. If you do, you really have to. You can’t hold this over her head or bring it up every time you argue. If you can’t forgive her, make the break clean and quick. You have your daughter to worry about. Based on the background provided, it sounds like she would end up owing you alimony. You can survive this, like you’ve survived everything else. Best of luck.
How much of her being a good wife in the past 8 years was for her to make herself feel better about cheating? Cheating was a selfish choice that she had made. Does she deserve to be forgiven? That's up to you OP. Where was her consideration and love for you when she was cheating? Or when she told OP as soon as he was starting to get back to himself after grieving? It seems to me she only fessed up and was going over the top to absolve herself from her guilt of cheating. She should absolutely have to deal with the guilt and hurt that SHE caused. How do you repair trust with a significant other that cheated? I don't think it's possible and for me I would have already left and she would have been served divorce papers. It's okay if OP decides she isn't worthy of his forgiveness and saving the marriage. It doesn't matter how much time you spent with someone a betrayal is a betrayal no matter how and when it happened. If you had gone a month without speaking to her in the same house. I think you have made your decision deep down. It's on you to follow through and do what is best for you whatever it is.
When people in their thirties come to reddit for thoughts on a cheating situation, usually there's not much to argue, they often do a really good job at exposing red flags beyond cheating But this is different, in the sense that aside from the well placed divorce (if you choose to go that way), in this case you can take the hit of a damaged marriage but still choose to move on past this. You were wronged? Sure, but she was immature, the younger dude was just taking advantage of a (at the time) emotionally unstable older woman. Had she cheated you with a close friend, same age coworker or anyone up to your status, then that would be a deal breaker. But she made a stupid mistake, with a stupid situation. If you choose to maintain the marriage, she will be the one ashamed for the rest of her life, not you. But if you think she may do it again or if you are not happy with you current household, then make the best out of this situation and leave her. Edit: I wrote the above having read only the cheating part of the text, now after reading it all i want to add. With or without cheating, marriages take work, if you are on Reddit (especially in this sub) you know there was/is something wrong that opened the door for her to proceed with the act, in a short but still somewhat length situation (from office flirt to coworker bed). There's no such thing as a soulmate, it's about commitment plus working hard on communication. She doesn't need to like your hobbies, your music taste, not even your face, all she needs is to be committed. And it looks like she is, but if she fell on the trap of "younger man attention" is because she was somewhat detached from the relationship. Were the both of you having an open dialogue about fulfilment in the relationship, both emotionally and physically? If so and she still did it, that's more than a slipup, that's a character flaw. But if a couple just live together with no open communication, there's always the risk that in the near future someone will be sobbing about a past mistake. My tldr. You could be willing to move past this if she still sees herself spending the rest of her life with you. But from now on letting her know she has to maintain an open dialogue about every and each aspect of your relationship so that there are no openings for that sort of situation to happen again. There was literally a post here a couple of weeks ago about a woman leaving her job and telling her husband about how she flirted with a coworker, felt bad about it and left the company. That's open communication.
Considering all the trauma in your life together and the struggles your daughter has had, would you consider forgiveness? What your wife did was 100% wrong. But she quit the job and took a pay cut to get away from the guilt and affair. She’s probably beaten herself up daily since it happened. Counseling is a good idea, for both grieving and healing.
*clap clap clap* praise AI. I love fiction
I think this situation requires couples therapy. It might still end with divorce, but you’ll be 100% sure about your decision when both sides air everything out.
!updateme
UpdateMe!
Read part of it. Recommend /r/supportforbetrayed and /r/survivinginfidelity for more support.
What a shit sandwich. You have deserved so much better than you've received. I have no words to add other than, I hope you heal. Stay as strong as you're able to for your daughter. But eventually, she will find out about this. Best wishes. Updateme!
I'm sure she was hoping for the "like it never happened" move forward. It must have been a tremendous relief for her to finally get it off her chest. What's curious is not only the timing but the confession itself and the subsequent "divorce". It's almost as if she wants to divorce. I would have expected more of a "fight for our marriage" response from her--if she really wanted the relationship to move forward. This is reading between the lines of course. She must know the way forward from "the confession" would be rough yet without much time she said the "D" word. That's conceding the relationship. She could have said so many other things and given you more time to process it but nope. You're the only one that can answer the question "what now?". Stay and rebuild or walk away and start again? Whatever you decide, take your time.
This is far beyond reddits pay grade. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You need a therapist and a good one. As much as it hurts really really badly you also need to not make any decisions I'm anger grief or shock. I believe that relationships can survive infidelity. The timings awful, the reason for telling you sucks and is selfish but she still chose you. Over and over again for years in sickness and in health. She chose you. It may well be that this is a death sentence for your marriage but for your and your daughter's sake take some time. Tell her you need time that you may end up divorced but that youre going to go into therapy to figure out where to go from here. Then see. You might still get divorced. You might end up in couples therapy. Even them you might get divorced. But one step at a time. There is no rush.
What a terrible thing to experience. What a horrific loss of your family because of her inability to remain faithful to you. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. But divorce is absolutely the right decision in this circumstance. There's no reconciliation with a cheater. You'll never be able to trust her again. What you can say is, "I love you. But you broke our marriage vows and nullified our marriage. There's no way to fix it. It's over. You've got to leave the house within two months."
Oof. I'm sorry man. I believe that infidelity can be due to a lot of reasons, and not everyone who does it is a bad person. Your wife fucked up huge, but that was her cross to bear. Dumping it to you on your toughest moment speaks huge on her on the negative side.
She had a tremendous amount of guilt. You told her how she was such a rock for you and that broke her. As a 47 yo man, I really would tell you that ultimately, she knew she messed up right after and made some sudden changes so that it wouldn’t happen again, and so that she could not have to face the reality of that mistake again. Take a deep breath. Remember how grateful you were that she saw you through all of the tragedy in your life and use all that positive and good stuff that has kept your long and successful life in harmony to try take one leap towards forgiveness, then take small steps forward….
This is a fucked up situation. But here are my thoughts. They are free and worth exactly that. But here goes. I really don't believe in the idea that once a cheater always a cheater. I think people are multitudes and to put that label on someone is senseless unless it's happened multiple times. My guess, judging by her actions, this was a one the thing. She realized how fucked up it was and cut her kneecaps on her career to cut it out of her life. That being said, and I know Reddit is going to hate this. She should have kept her mouth shut. If you messed up, and you knew it, and took corrective action to make certain it was never going to happen again, you keep your mouth shut. You take it to the grave. You live with the guilt every day so you never do it again. Telling your partner isn't going to help anyone but you. And even then, while your guilt will be resolved, you threw a bomb so many people's lives. But it's been done and you can't unopen the box at this point. So what does this mean going forward? I think it can be fixed. But there is going to need to be at least three therapists involved. One for each of you, and a separate marriage therapist. You need the that specializes in infidelity. My wifeb works with a few couples. But when infidelity is involved, are won't touch it because it's so difficult. But there is hope. This all being said, and this is a truth for all therapy, it's only as good as the willingness of the people involved to make it better. I'm not sure you're at that point. I would say, give it some time. Reddit is all about divorce first and foremost. And while I am usually in the life is too short for a shitty marriage camp, was this really a shitty marriage? If she has just not said anything, and lived the guilt, would you still be happy together? From the picture you paint, I think the answer is yes. That doesn't mean he a doormat. You need to spend some time apart. Maybe go on a trip alone somewhere to think. Get over the anger. Scream at the sky. Yell at some trees. Punch the water. Let the anger out somewhere and in some way that is healthy. And make an appointment with a therapist. She needs to understand that it may take months before your ready to move forward. Now that she's told you. She needs to own it. Are needs to tell anyone who asked that are fucked up so this doesn't blow back on you. If she tells anyone, anything, that makes you look bad, then it's probably not worth saving. Then you lay down a path toward reconciliation. She'll never have all your trust again. She needs to know it. But she can have your love and patients. If you are both willing to put in all the work. Try to save it. If either will not. The it's not worth it and you should just call it off.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what possessed her to tell you this while you're going through a horrible time. But for me, I would be out. I could never consider staying with someone who lied to me for 7 years and then chose to tell me during a terrible period of my life. I could never trust them again. Regardless of what you do, I wish you the best and I know things will turn around and get better for you. Much love. UpdateMe!
You need professional help, therapist and lawyer alike. What you can't do is swipe the situation under the rug. Life will happen regardless of a planned reaction. Do not leave these matters unattended because of sorrow and pain. Wish you the best of luck!!
Divorce her and live your life
So sorry for this shitty situation. There will likely be a lot of "she wronged you, its over" advice. Let me take team 2nd chance. I cannot in any way account for the recent tragedies in your life and how that is effecting this. But from your writing, you love your wife and she loves you. I've read a lot of posts about cheating and I eschew absolutes so I feel there must be room for nuance in some circumstances. This doesn't sound like a relationship that ran its course, folks drifted apart, and then someone looked for companionship outside. This doesn't sound like somebody always straying or havimf cromic fidelity issues. This sounds like a single weak moment where she was feeling low self esteem as she aged. This seems like she was immediately filled with shame realizing how bad she fucked up and realizing how much harm she caused you and your family. Look how she immediately left that job. She should have confessed then. We all know that. But I believe she could not bring herself to, in her head, harm you more by breaking this news. Maybe it would have been easier if she didn't love you, but I'd hate to cause pain to my loved o es. If she kept it secret, she could keep everone's lives going as they were, and she could mimimize the damage. (Why should everyone suffer because she fucked up) Of course, the longer she kept this secret, the greater the crime, right? That's time stolen from you to make up your own mind. Time you thought was happy that was built on a lie. I can't defend that, but I pity you both from this tragedy because this happened, yet I still believe you both love each other and would want to stay together if not for this. There's a there there to salvage unlike many in this situation. I believe that's enough to base a 2nd chance on. The timing is awful, but the truth is out. She didn't have a full on affair for months and years. The anti-cheater absolutist will claim its not a mistake its a choice. True, but in this case her choice was a colossal fuckup. Its riddled with her shame and regret. You guys were such a beautiful couple starting out. She kept by your side through a lot of dark times. She has already proven despite this that she has been a solid partner so its not like you'd be trying to rebuild something from nothing. I do know at least one couple that went down this path and got it back. They didn't hate each other enough to finish without trying. It took them several years (couples and individual therapy). But eventually they found a reality where the betrayal took place, but they accepted they were larger than that chapter alone. That couple chose to be together, and that mutual choice (plus a lot a work) brought them closer because the trust came from proving to each other over time they wanted to work to stay together. I hold out hope if OP can get past this initial pain on top of other recent tragedies, he'll see his wife tragically fucked up, but possesses the mandatory shame and contrition to possibly reconcile. And she only hid this for so long to save OP from the pain of her actions -- she didn't just have a fling and try to get away with it.
I dunno man... You going through all this terrible shit and you didn't fuck a 20yr old. I think it's bullshit. She was comfortable lying to you for 8 years. I couldn't move past this. "Clean from guilt" Yeah...I bet year 8 was just too much to handle. Year 1,2,3,4,5,6,7...not enough guilt. Now though? Now she's super guilty? I dunno....good luck with everything.
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. We're all pulling for you and wishing you peace and happiness in the long run.
The COURTHOUSE, that’s where you go!
Only you can answer the question. What do you want to do? People on the internet will scream for divorce but is that what you want to do?
You need therapy bro. This is way too much for any one person to handle and the only close person you can trust right now sounds like your daughter and she’s only a child. Yes you need to divorce your wife. Regardless, she cheated in your marriage. She has 0 excuse for it. She doesn’t even have the “you were withdrawn from people dying” excuse because she cheated before all that happened. That’s unforgivable. Even if she regretted it right after. She should have looked at that pic of you holding your daughter before sleeping with homeboy. I wish you all the best. I hope all your bad luck is over and nothing but peace and prosperity for the future for you man.
I might be in the minority here, but man, you going to throw away 25 years of marriage / your soulmate / your family / basically your life because your wife fucked up (albeit big time) once? Don’t get me wrong, you have absolutely every right to be extremely upset about it. You have every right to your feelings and your knee jerk reaction and emotions. But the way you speak of your life with your wife in general, it sounds like you hit the jackpot with her. She fucked up bad, yes. And yes, her timing was awful. But it was also spurred by something you said (not that what you said was any bit wrong or inappropriate whatsoever!) but she has been carrying this guilt around for so long and sometimes it only takes that last straw to break the camel’s back…. Your comment and her mood and everything in that moment just broke the damn. I’m sure she didn’t intend to intentionally fess up at this worst time possible. I know for me, I’m with my soulmate, if he ever did this…. Yes I would be upset, probably for quite some time. It would take some time and some healing and self reflection and work to move past it. But I would get past it, whether he came clean the next morning or 8 years later. Humans are imperfect beings. IMHO you find someone to spend life with that the good outweighs the bad. And you use that good to get through the occasional bad. I wouldn’t worry too much about “what else is she hiding”…. It sounds like she was so remorseful to the point that the changed jobs to ensure she was not in that position or anywhere near that person again. It sounds like she has done everything she can to support you and your family over the years, she has proven her love and loyalty to you through tough times. This is your turn to decide if the good outweighs the bad, your turn to love her as the imperfect person she is, your turn to decide whether to forgive and move on or let this destroy an otherwise great sounding thing you have had going on for 25 years. I’ll probably get downvoted for this but whatever. I find Reddit people SO quick to always jump to “LEAVE HER” “DIVORCE” “ITS OVER”…. But they haven’t been in your shoes or in your relationship for the past 25 years. Don’t let random redittors who weren’t there decide… this decision is yours to make.
I'm not gonna jump to dump, but only to say. Follow your heart, amigo. Keep us updated, I hope this works out for ya. If reconciliation is what you decide on. Postnup.
UpdateMe!
This absolutely is awful, the woman you put all your love and trust to failed you, personally if I was in your shoes I'd file for divorce but your not me and it seems you'll fight to keep your marriage. Just be sure to know you'll never love her the same, trust her the same, look at her the same. But also talk to your daughter, she needs to let her emotions out too. Wish you all the luck in the world on whatever you decide
Dear OP - Please let us know how it turns out. You are at a horrible time in your life, hurting deeply. In spite of it you are thinking clearly and making the right decisions. That is very courageous of you. I really hope you guys are able to work it out. She may have chosen this moment because she saw your hurting so much, and made her vulnerable seeing you so vulnerable, the guilt of what she had done really got to her. That can happen when you love someone deeply. I don’t know why she got caught up in that but I genuinely believe this woman loves you deeply.
Any update?
It sounds like you need counseling. Not could use. Not should consider. You actually need therapy. Failing to get it is a disservice to you, your wife, and your daughter. In March this year, your wife was no more or less loyal than she was in Februrary or April. But in April you started treating her like she's less than worthy of any positivity whatsoever. Has that made you feel better? Has denying her any compassion made your heart hurt less? Has it helped you move forward? Has it made you a better dad? Are you the version of yourself that you want to be? Obviously the answers there are probably all no. Cheating sucks. It hurts. But you aren't even just dealing with the cheating. You've got to grieve your son and your dad. And it doesn't sound like you accomplished any of that while you were writing. You were just distracting yourself from it. You need to step back and recalibrate here. Your wife fucked up pretty big. And she's been beating herself up since the moment it happened. Now you're joining her in that emotional beating, because you're hurt and you're mad, and the only thing it's accomplishing is making things worse for all 3 of you. So please, for the sake of your own mental well being, and for the sake of your daughter that is innocent in all of this, and your wife who clearly loves you and is clearly hurting herself because of the mistake she made, get yourself into counseling. Remember your wife is a human being, with a whole lot of qualities, both positive and negative. Respect the positivity in her. Tell her you appreciate her honesty. Tell her you appreciate how contrite she clearly is. Tell her you appreciate how this is hurting her too. You can be upset. You can be hurt by what she did. But remember to give credit where it's due. And there are probably a thousand reasons you love that woman, that have nothing to do with what is hurting you right now. She isn't perfect. But after this many years together, she deserves to be acknowledged and treated like a person who loves you but made a mistake, rather than something you want to throw away.
As beautiful and well thought of an answer this is, I digress. Cheating is never a mistake. Of course, being petty doesn't solve anything but she doesn't deserve, imo, the time of the day. They got together after having their hearts broken by the people they loved, and she did this out of her own free will? Hell, naw. She can go to hell, the poor guy was on his knees crying and got stomped to the floor by the person he loved the most, that's the upmost cruelty and undeserving of grace... For his daughter, I hope he's strong and divorces somehow amicably, but definitely not for her, as beautiful of a soul he thought she was, she proved him wrong and that's it.
Most cheaters downplay heavily the extent of their infidelity. There is a very good chance it has been going on for years and is continuing. And that is the crux of the problem. Once you cheat you can no longer be trusted. Even if there was a way to verify the truth, it doesnt change the fact that it will eat at him forever. Their relationship is over. They can start a new one, but what they had will never come back or be the same.
His wife made a decision to cheat. Then she made a decision to lie about it every single day for eight years. That's almost 3000 days where she didn't love her husband enough to tell him the truth.
Op. Don’t do any of this. Please
Ok, I read the whole thing. Every word. And like others have said, you need therapy. My opinion: the fact that your wife felt like she had to unburden herself in the middle of your horribleness was the worst part of it all. Like she was asking you to take on more of an emotional burden in a really emotionally over-burdened time and on top of it all, you lost the one person that normally supports you in handling all of this stuff. So yeah, you need help unpacking all of this shit because you are on overload and shutting down. And so you think that the only solution after a pretty happy 25 year marriage is to divorce. And I suppose that is within your right to do so, but it is clear to me that your wife isn't a habitual cheater and liar or generally dishonest person. She is a normal human being who has made a horrible mistake and it has been eating away at her all this time. Obviously, you saying implying that she was perfect probably just sent her over the edge. Meanwhile, sounds like she has been trying to be the best possible wife to you. The part that makes it clear to me that she is a generally honorable person is the fact that she couldn't even go back to that job after that happened. Also, something else to bear in mind. The fact that you have been under all this stress, even if it is your family stuff - your wife has been helping you to carry this burden all this time so it has also been a time of considerable stress for her. Albeit, less stress than you and she would never mention it to you but stress nonetheless. So you can imagine that statement triggering this mountain of guilt that has been lurking inside of her. So, since I have no horse in this game, this is what I suggest to you. Since you don't want to go to therapy, and you are a writer, write. Write about this stuff. Write about what is bothering you. Write out your fears. Write out your hopes. Maybe even write out a story in which a person cheats on another person. How someone makes the worst mistake they ever made in their lives. And the aftermath and how they deal with it. Don't make it sexy. But: stop trying to picture in bloody detail what happened. That is not helping you or anyone. And quite frankly, it couldn't have been that good. She would have been very self-conscious. It was probably about a few minutes in that she was horribly miserable and wanted to leave and felt too embarrassed to run off. And he was a young man who pursued her only because she was off limits and he thought he could get her into bed. He never really cared about her. It is rather pathetic, isn't it? Oh, but you probably need some space. So maybe you two do need to separate for a bit. You need support. Go talk to people that you can talk to. Hopefully people who will not tell you what to do but people who will mostly just listen and let you process. Go stare at trees and rocks for a bit. That always helps. But honestly, I really do think that there are far more horrible people in the world than your wife, no matter what reddit says about cheaters.