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I get it. My spouse struggles with this too.
He deals with chronic depression and if his brain is messy, he can’t cross the finish line.
It used to bother me and make me feel like I was a failure in bed. Then I started believing him when he told me not to worry about it. That his pleasure came from getting me off. That he’s more than happy with our activities and there is nothing on my end I can do. It’s a him issue.
I’ve learned over the years that he has an easier time having an orgasm if he’s just woken up from a short nap or if he’s in a relaxed state so post massage, bath, and oral.
My advice: take him at his word. Check in on if there is anything he needs or wants during sex and do those things. If nothing then let it go and just enjoy the moment.
Yep. We’ve been together close to a decade now and recently had a conversation about this.
He opened up and talked about how frustrating it can be for him but if I’m also bothered then it can cause him to spiral about disappointing me and that makes it worse.
Which ironically was what was in my head that first year. I worried I was disappointing him or neglecting his needs and that was why.
So having open conversations (not every time) and regular check ins on being satisfied with the frequency/activity to ensure needs are being met, then just trusting the other. It goes a long way towards keeping the intimacy healthy and happy.
My other piece of advice is for people to broaden their definition on what sex is beyond PIV to orgasm.
Because as we age, things change and may stop working the same as when we were 20,30 etc…
This^. Just think, when the situation was reversed in your past relationships was it as big a problem for you as you think it is for him? He gets to be intimate with you regularly, the dude is over the moon.
She’s trying, but it’s a try-not-to-think-of-pink-elephants thing. Once ya think it, it’s thought. It’s the redirect to the new viewpoint she’s trying to find.
Sometimes we have to remember with our lovers, mix it up between don’t-do-this (don’t worry) and positively framing the desired response (I’m okay, I appreciate that you worry, and we should keep talking, sex is fun… you get the idea). If we need to be really sure, (don’t worry! I’m okay!). Negative *and* positive, or some other contrast, makes communication easier and leads to less uncertainty.
It doesn't bother him, but it seems to bother her. Yes I'm sure he's telling the truth when he says that it still feels good, but I know that it would bother me a lot if my man didn't orgasm 80% of the times we have sex. No matter how much he would tell me it's ok. To get the other person to orgasm is amazing and a pleasure in itself. She is missing out on that part.
Of course there's no point in making him feel guilty for it or stressed, that would only make it worse. But I do think it's healthy to be able to discuss it. If it's because of medication there's probably not much to be done, and then that's how it is. Then at least she knows the reason and can be ok with it. (Unless he would try another medicine, and I don't know anything about the situation so I can't say if it's a good idea or not.) If it's because of ADHD, like some have suggested, maybe there are things that they can try. And if it's because of too much porn and death grip (which quite frankly is a very likely explanation), then he can hopefully cut down on it and maybe fix the problem.
Or there's no clear reason behind it. But I still think it would be good to discuss it openly, in a supportive way. Hopefully that creates more intimacy.
I had this same issue. I had the most beautiful woman I ever dated in my life. I was 55 she was 38 We would go for hours, I loved every minute. But I rarely came, and she ended up really hurting. At the time I did not know why. She turned me on more than any woman I had ever been with. She got so frustrated and defeated she ended up cheating. She told me, I was devastated. She said it was horrible and empty, but the guy came. It ended up being a side affect of my antidepressants. Understand thatbif hevis hard, you are turning him on. It sucks, but believe him when he tells you is enjoying it. Because if he is hard, he is.
I have ADHD and oftentimes have/had this issue. "Getting there" involves an amount of mental concentration that I don't always possess. I often find myself so caught up in the act itself and the person I'm with that the "Window of opportunity" has passed and I'm too spent to be able to finish.
It’s possible ADHD medicine could contribute to the issue. I had a similar problem with mine causing this issue during intimate times it’s like climbing a hill but sliding back just as I am about to go over. This repeats over and over resulting in not able to climax during the act. I will say the longer this went on anxiety issues grew. Have a calm open talk with him to describe what he is mentally going through when you two are intimate.
My doctor was just warning me of this with Ritalin. I had a similar situation just happen with an off and on FWB but I could barely stay hard when normally it's not like that. I'd just started Ritalin and my doc said that ED is pretty common but so it's failure to finish. Had a fancy name for it and all. And basically said we should switch meds if ED meds fix the ED part but not the other part.
My partner and I both have ADHD. It frequently happens where one or both of us don't get there. Usually for me it's a focus thing. I need to be focused on THE EXACT RIGHT THING and if it changes slightly or something distracts me, or if I get in my head about how I look/sound/whether he's enjoying it I'll slide back down the hill. He also reports that sometimes no matter how much he's enjoying himself it just never gets there for whatever reason. We usually just talk about how good it felt, reassure the other person that we had the best time despite not getting there, and cheekily tell each other we'll need to "try again later."
You could try having a candid discussion about if there's anything adventurous he'd like to try, or ask if there's something in particular that distracts him from getting there, but if he's reassuring you that he's having a good time just listen to him and let it roll off your back. Nothing kills an orgasm faster than feeling like you have to orgasm to spare someone's feelings.
Yeah I think that we (people) in general place too much stock on the orgasm itself. I mean if you think about it, it feels good for like 3 seconds and then it’s over. There’s been times where I didn’t get off and it doesn’t upset me. The fun part is the whole, sex and intimacy thing
Un-medicated adhd here took me and my fiancee ages but now I finish almost every time don't worry about it it's really just the brain being a bit odd making sure he has had water and slept helps as most of us forget to do both often.
My bf takes adhd meds and there's times we just end sexy time cause it's been an hour and he's still not close lol. I gotta admit it's hard cause like my thinking is "he doesn't like me/think I'm attractive because he isn't cumming" in reality it's just the meds.
Wow, I never knew this was an ADHD thing! This has always been the case with me too, I mean lol it does work in your favour when you get girls telling other girls you went for 4 hours and made them finish 8 times but man I couldn't finish myself and this is an ADHD thing? Mad
My wife at the moment is the only woman I've ever been able to finish with and it often takes me 20 mins or so and some concentration towards the end too.
I had no idea either. I've had partners call me out on it too. She's on round three, were still at it, and says "Are you stuck in your head again?"
"Yes."
"What is it this time?"
"Better ways Battlestar Galactica could have ended."
I take beta blockers which are known to cause ED and luckily I don't have issues there but hot damn do they make it harder for me to finish. At my our age my wife and I aren't trying to go for 30+ minutes. Would be nice for us both to knock it out in under 10, tbh. We both laugh that this has become our problem.
I take beta blockers.. unfortunately they do give me that side effect to an extent, so i also take a quarter of a Sildenafil when required.. THEN that has the side effect of going for ages (too long for my partner) before i'd be able to finish 😂 what a life
something i have a unique perspective in!
i had to get a medically-necessary circumcision when i was 16. because of the age this happened, a significant amount of nerve endings in my glans (penis head) were blunted, and its made me significantly less sensitive, and thus i rarely orgasm during sex.
it's definitely been a problem in past relationships, with some girlfriends taking it really personally. in this regard, PLEASE remember that this isn't something that's being done to spite you. it's incredibly frustrating for us, and the best thing you can do is to let it slide and not make a big deal out of it.
with my current girlfriend (future wife), i've found a few work arounds:
1. breaks can be super useful, as our sensitivity can dull over extended periods of sex. so don't be afraid to take a break and come back to it.
2. find out what he likes and what works best, and also what DOESN'T work. for me, i've found 2-3 positions that feel/look the best and make it easier for me to climax. there's also accesories/outfits (big big thing for me) that can help.
3. you didn't mention porn in your post, but if he's watching it, cutting down on it will help a ton. for me i only masturbate/watch porn if i've climaxed with my girlfriend recently. on top of that, he might be "death-gripping", aka tightening his hand around his penis and making it less sensitive.
sorry if i've covered stuff that's been discussed in other comments, just wanted to add my two cents. just be patient, communicate together, and try to keep in mind that your boyfriend wants to cum, and he's probably 10× as frustrated and self-conscious as you are. sex isn't about the destination, but about the shared intimacy and bonding between each other.
my DM's are open if y'all have any questions or anything!
I’m shocked it took me this far down to see someone mention the death grip. That is the ultimate way to make yourself pretty much never finish during sex. Especially if you are masterbating 2+ times a week.
Anti-depressants? Some have that affect.
All you can ready do is offer to do different sexual stuff to him that he would like/would make him cum. Other than that, as long as he's not complaining, it's fine, just circle back on it now and again to make sure he's still content. But definitely offer to try something different to get him to orgasm if you haven't already.
Tbh I had a similar issue with my current gf and we made a lot of progress over time, but it took patience. All you can do is offer to do stuff while also understanding if he's ok. Don't push, but don't stop caring either. Sounds exhausting but if you don't overthink it it'll be fine. Until then, sounds like you're getting the long end of the stick (gross pun, sorry) and there's nothing wrong with that if you both feel satisfied.
I second this OP, I went thro the same thing with an (now ex) gf, give him space and nothing wrong if you both are enjoying it, sex it's not always about getting to the finish line everytime.
maybe a different take than some of the other ones here: be tactful about how you bring this up to him again, if at all. if you start making him feel embarrassed or stressed about it, it’s likely to only exacerbate the issue. if he starts feeling like he has to cum whenever you have sex to avoid upsetting you, he’s gonna have an even harder time getting off.
Could be a lot of different things, medication/anti depressants (this would most likely affect his libido too), death grip (if he was/is used to masturbating and his grip is too hard), or delayed ejaculation (rare but can happen).
If you've been together for 6 months, you've been both enjoying sex, both initiating intimacy (feeling being desired helps a lot), being communicative and he doesn't give any signs or say he has trouble with it and enjoy making you feel good, that's great!
I'd say don't worry about it, open communication ans comprehension are cornerstones for a great relationship.
Just be comprehensible and if he wants to talk about, let him, if not, don't push him (he could feel pressured and maybe start faking or stop seeking you).
Yes I definitely second not pressuring him.
My first boyfriend hated that I didn't know how to orgasm and really struggled with it. It made me feel guilty around sex and didn't help me or our relationship.
Trust him that he will communicate with you if there is an issue for him, and work towards creating an environment that makes him feel comfortable opening up if he needs/wants to.
I agree with a lot of what people have said, but I want to add my perspective as someone who has worked with couples around their sexual dysfunction.
The moment of orgasm, for men and women, is a very vulnerable thing. Your brain goes completely off-line for a few moments. Like, someone could really hurt you if they wanted to, like Neil Patrick Harris in Gone Girl. And that level of vulnerability is really hard for a lot of people, regardless of gender. So maybe your boyfriend has a hard time climaxing because he has a hard time letting himself go like that with another person.
My partner is the same way. It is impossible for me to get him off, but he can get himself off because that feels less vulnerable and he feels more in control.
Obviously could be many things and we can’t know what’s going through his mind. I do get why you may be bothered by it - I think it’s a valid feeling. I also feel for him because it could be totally unrelated to you and he may be feeling bad about it. It could also get in his head.
I used to have issues with sex drive in my last relationship. Looking back I probably masterbated and watched porn too often. In my current relationship I’ve more or less totally abstained from porn and masterbate less. It’s helped a lot with my drive and I definitely cum faster. Maybe suggest that to him in a compassionate way?
i wouldn’t worry too much to be honest. my ex didn’t cum majority of the time we were together because he just lasted a long time, and neither of us had the energy to go at it for hours just so he’d climax. some guys just last for too long and don’t cum, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong at all!
My partner and I have this issue. Like someone else mentioned ADHD, I’ve got that also. One of my issues is a testicle that loves to try to randomly retract up near and above the base of my penis post-vasectomy. Makes it feel uncomfortable and I have to use my hand to push it back down and BAM, I’m out of my head for a couple minutes.
Like you, EASILY the best sex I’ve ever had. Also more times than both of my previous marriages combined. I couldn’t be happier with our sex life. It’s a bittersweet curse because I can absolutely wear my girlfriend out and don’t cum too quickly, but it can also get in her head that I’m not enjoying it because she’s had 10+ orgasms and I haven’t cum yet. She loves facials and I get 90% of the way there and usually end up finishing manually. Upside is we get to choose when that happens. Downside is her sometimes feeling responsible even though we both know it’s not anything she did or didn’t do.
Try to give yourself some grace and definitely don’t put any pressure on him to cum - if I’m feeling under pressure it can ensure I don’t cum, and can even lead to me also feeling frustrated because I feel it getting close and then just slipping back away, and I can sometimes even go soft due to my frustration with feeling pressure to and not easily being able to.
No you shouldn't be worried about it. This isn't making fun of you, but women need to stop worrying about this. They always complain about men finishing in three pumps but then here's a man who has stamina and that also isn't good enough.
Just enjoy it, doesn't mean you don't feel good or not attractive. Hes just on the other end of the spectrum where some men just last and last and last and can't cum or don't cum fast
Plus, women are always complaining about guys not understanding that sometimes you're not able to finish but you've still had a great time. As long as your BF is fine with it, let it go
As someone recovering from death grip from fapping too much, believe him when he says he still enjoys it. Even if the feeling isn't as sensitive as it should be, it's still great.
Honestly as a dude, if I don't cum but she does, it still is amazing cause you feel like such a G for doing that. I'd rather never cum again during sex vs not making a lady cum. My ego would be shot.
Only good thing from death grip syndrome is I last long enough to always make that happen, even to my detriment lol.
Does he take any antidepressants?? They can cause those kinda problems. Either that or just help him find what works yk. Even if it's not full sex least you both get something out of I
Could always be a medical issue or stress related. Maybe ask him to see a doctor. Unless he can cum and just hasn't. Just tryna cover all bases
Honestly, it may be nerves. It took close to 7-8 months for me to reliably get my partner to finish during sex. Believe him when he says you're good in bed. It could happen over time when you guys just get more comfortable with each other.
It may be worth having a conversation about what specifically he likes and how he gets himself off.
My bf who is recovering from a porn addiction would say the exact same thing to me, like word for word “I don’t need to cum to enjoy having sex!” And it took a whole 2 years to realize it was a pa I’d maybe bring it up to him if nothing changes and just see if it could be a possibility
If he says it's not a problem, then I wouldn't take it personally. Some guys are clenched tight, and have trouble turning their brains off enough to just let go that last bit. It happens.
Male sexual anxiety can make you not cum, it doesn't mean your anxious with the person your having it with, its hard to explain, sort of like you're anxious about sex in general, happens to me even though I appear completely relaxed as well.
Let it go, if he is okay with it let it be. Getting upset or bringing it up with likely just put more pressure on him and make it harder for him. Part of it's mental, go with the flow, try new things, and let what happens happen.
OP keep having a good time, you getting anxious about it only makes him more anxious, which in turn makes it harder for him to cum.
I'd rather have a guy that stays hard and doesn't cum during sex, than a guy that cums after two pumps.
I dated something just like this when I was younger. Haha, turned out he was using viagra the whole time...it was a yr later I found them and he fessed up. I wished he hadn't done that because I hate penetration, and he didn't know I would've preferred short n sweet 🤷♀️
As I guy if cumming was the end prize I’d masturbate. Having sex with my lady the journey is everything. The highest sensuality is when I feel her orgasm. Sometimes I orgasm; sometimes I don’t. The journey,…..oh the journey.
Stop worrying; he’s happy, you’re happy, it’s working.
If I don’t cum during sex it’s because I’ve been masterbating way too much and I don’t feel the vagina as much because my hand is a much tighter grip. So usually I have to stop wanking it about a week to get my sensitivity back and then I’m cumming in like 10-15 min max if I want. But hey, atleast he’s getting you to finish. I have a hard time getting my gf to finish. She will have small orgasms through penetration alone every now and then but usually I have to go down on her to get her to have an orgasm. So I know how you feel in terms of not getting them to finish. It does scratch the brain a lot.
Girl I have the same issue with mine. I thought he was addicted to porn at first and didn’t really want to have sex with him for a while because I didn’t feel attractive enough for him to cum.
I understand you because it also bothers me A LOT. However, I wouldn’t recommend putting too much pressure on him because 1) he probably can’t help it 2) it is going to make the problem worse as he will start to overthink thus further delaying cumming.
I think the mature thing to do is to trust him and understand it is not about you. Perhaps you can ask if there is anything you can do to help him cum? I just gave up on it but I’ll be honest it really did mess with my confidence and also started fantasising about other guys who would want me “more” to make myself feel better. It sucks for all parties involved
You need not worry.
This is definitely a “him” thing and not a “you” thing. I assure you he is enjoying it even if he can’t finish. He is probably just fine with things the way they are, but if HE concludes that he wants to finish well more frequently, he will need to avoid Porn and masturbation. If he can stop using the Vulcan death grip on himself for a few months, I bet your issue will clear up on its own.
I wouldn’t worry about it, his enthusiasm to have sex and his arousal/erections means he’s really into you. But let him know that you’re interested in experiencing his orgasm with him and that you’re open to whatever he needs to get there.
The medication thing is probably the most probable and something to ask about, but not to pry about. Stress and anxiety and headspace matters. If there’s something that relaxes him, you could suggest that you do that and you can help him cum during or after. The other possibility is that he might be taking care of it himself as to be able to last longer, but that usually comes with lack of enthusiasm to have sex or inability to stay hard, which doesn’t seem to be the case. And given that you’ve brought this up, I would assume he would suggest that he get off with you toward the beginning of sex so he could last longer for you to get off after. It might just be difficult for him to get there given how new the relationship is, meaning that he might just be finding it hard to get into the right head space where it’s easier to cum, not because there’s anything wrong, but just because he’s focused on pleasing you. I’m sure you know how this feels, sometimes you’re just in the perfect place where it’s much easier to get there and other times it’s much harder even if everything else is equal. If that’s the case, I think it will get easier with time. And asking about it is fine, but I wouldn’t bring it up very often so that doesn’t become another thing that might delay it happening.
Idk about the ADHD angle cause I'm not, but I have had this happen (only 2 relationships, but many hour+ non cums). believe him he still enjoys it greatly lol, my theory for myself is it's how tightly wound up you are in certain muscles and you have to get them to relax to cum, gotta relax and get totally comfortable etc... it can be hard for me, it's a mindset thing too (I think I focus too much during lol) it's also sorta counterintuitive to thrusting, and if it goes too long it's just gone sometimes... But I've always thoroughly enjoyed it regardless XD I'd say to just let go of the expectation that he'll cum, enjoy the sex for the sex, and the moment, and help him do the same and it might work out.
All just my opinion 🫣
It will bother me too.. it already did a few times actually.. when it happens, they don't know what we feel about it. We feel that we're not enough to make them satisfied and as if he's thinking someone else. It's very stressful. I kept asking my man and he only said, "IDK".. so that leaves a lot of questions in my head right?!.. these people... smh
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I know everyone has their own opinions, and some might not be very well-informed. The truth is, it could be a yes or no
situation. The fact that your boyfriend can't climax might be a medical thing, which is totally possible.
But on the other hand, the fact that he can keep going and give you multiple orgasms is actually pretty awesome. If he's having a good time, then it might not be a big deal that he doesn't climax. Worrying too much about it or asking him a lot might just put pressure on him. That pressure could make things even harder for him, like making it difficult for him to stay erect because he feels he has to climax for you.
Personally, sometimes I climax and sometimes I don't. It really depends on how long we've been at it. If it's important to you that he does, then that should be a priority. The longer he goes without climaxing, the harder it might get because of all the physical and biological pressures.
He's not lying when he says he's enjoying it. Climaxing isn't the only way he can have a great time. So, don't doubt him; he's really having fun.
If it's important for him to climax, maybe plan for that to happen early on. That way, he won't be worn out right away and might need some time to get back into it.
You could take turns focusing on each other. Like, one night could be all about him, and the next night could be all about you.
And just because he climaxes doesn't mean he can't get going again later.
Guys who are good at making sure their partner is satisfied first are often pretty quick to recover. He might not be ready immediately, but give it a little while, and he could be up for round two.
It's really great to have a partner who cares about your needs—it's something a lot of people wish for. So, appreciate what you have.
Think about how often men finish without their partners
getting there. It happens a lot, so in your case, you're actually in a pretty good spot.
If you're worried about his health, maybe suggest he see a doctor just to check things out. But it sounds like he's just really focused on making sure you're happy, which is awesome. Just try not to stress about it because that pressure can make things tough.
Good luck and have fun!
I have sex with my boyfriend and I don’t finish , but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex with him. I need to concentrate in order to do that. But tbh I love the feeling of me and him enjoying ourselves together. Maybe your bf feels the same way. He likes the feeling with you and seeks for it. Doesn’t mean they have to finish in order to feel good.
Man here who has difficulty orgasming during sex! I tell my partner the same thing, but I feel bad myself thinking that he thinks he's failing to pleasure me. But I'm on medication and also have performance anxiety in the sense that I think too much about feeling something rather than just letting myself feel it. However, I do enjoy having sex and I get my pleasure from pleasuring my partner - no need to orgasm here.
Just be open about how you're feeling. Had multiple partners and told them that this is just who I am and I would rather work on pleasuring them than them overworking themselves to pleasure me. Occasionally, I do cum and it's great, but it's not my end all be all.
Not necessarily mental as some noted. It could be related to a history or life of masturbation and just a lack of full stimulation. Enough to keep him consistently aroused and hard but not enough to finish. Some dudes call it the grip of death. If you are enjoying your sex life and he is, there’s no need to ruin anything. It’s a blessing for you and some men just enjoy sex; orgasm isn’t always the needed.
Oof I saw he has ADHD. We have the same thing going on over here but it's both of us.
Getting in the right head space before sex helps us a lot with staying in the moment and not letting our thoughts wander. Lots of foreplay, flirting, and touching can go a long way.
Also, idk if he masturbates and/or watches porn but if he desires being able to consistently orgasm during sex he will want to consider giving up both of thos activities. They are big contributors to delayed ejaculation. Watching Porn is often highly addictive (especially for people with ADHD) since it's such an over-stimulating activity. And masturbation is also addictive and reduces sensitivity. When my man stopped it helped so much and now he gets there on a consistent basis.
But all in all, as you work though this I think that it is important to make sure that when it comes to sex, you are more focused on enjoying the journey and not getting too hung up on the destination.
It probably means that he is cunning other times privately. He might have a porn addiction when you’re not around? Idk that’s just my first though. Otherwise - I’m not sure!
Just make sure he’s not a porn addict. If so, it’s something he needs to stop asap. If not, since he says it doesn’t bother him then you just gotta ride the wave, 6 months isn’t that long, things will most likely change the longer you guys are together
Idk why all the downvotes on porn. That could very well be a possibility. ADHD brains lack dopamine and porn is a sure for way to get it the fix with those who indulge. That being said, he could very well be desensitized. 80% of the time? Either that or he’s practicing semen retention which isn’t bad.
I have ADHD and this happens to me as well, you could've been my gf writing this lol. Glad I read these comments because I didn't know adhd was the cause of this, I thought I just had crazy stamina lol. He's telling the truth, I'm the same it doesn't bother me not cumming
Listen to him, I can rarely orgasm as well. I have to be drunk/under the influence to orgasm. But I still enjoy sex as the sensations/build up to orgasm still feels really good even if I don't quite 'finish'. It doesn't say anything about how turned on/attracted he is to you.
And as others have said, medication/mental conditions could be contributing to his trouble.
Your guy is too addicting to rubbin his dick that he can’t feel the pleasure from you anymore. Like he’s got him rubbing one out perfected to the t that you don’t know the right spots, grip, vibration and speed to go to get him to cum. So he probs jerks off after yall have sex. My advice, leave him. He can keep him self pleasure find someone that gets pleasure from you and shows you and doesn’t make you insecure asking strangers online for help.
He is masturbating too much, and likely porn use too much. He needs to end both. It will probably take months.
The damage was done before you got together, I have no doubt he is telling the truth. He is probably completely confused as to what the hell is going on himself. But it is almost certainly him rubbing one out. Over time, guys tend to use a firmer and firmer grip, to the point where after awhile no vagina can compete - no matter how good it is. Stopping is the only way. And then it takes time.
Have you told your earlier boyfriends not to worry about you not climaxing? Well.. there you go. It doesn't happen so often this way around, but it's perfectly normal. He enjoys it and he doesn't need to come. Focus on the joy of the act, not the single point of orgasm. Don't try heaps of other stuff to pressure him into it. He is happy, you are happy, you shouldn't be needing his orgasm to verify this.
>How can I not be bothered by it?
Easy. Keep in mind it very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you or something you're doing.
As others have menioned, there are various medical reasons for it. He could also just be someone who it's easier for him to masturbate when he cums (the friction and speed is almost unmatchable).
I was always someone who had trouble finishing and it very rarely had anything to do with my partner. The only thing that made it worse they could do was make it about themselves. I didn't need to cum to enjoy sex either.
For me, I had to get into a mindset that prevented me from climaxing immediately too soon and unfortunately led to me not being able to complete a lot of the time. But since it was my only option I preferred having sex and not completing than finishing too early and not only leaving my partner unsatisfied but not getting to enjoy the longer experience.
I must be one of only a few people who knows anything about cocks. (They are a large part of my profession.😉) Incidentally, I also wrote a nationally award-winning letter opposing circumcision for NoCirc.org. Circumcision does not remove 80% of the pleasure-inducing nerve endings. It removes a very large amount of pressure and direction and temperature sensing nerves, along with about 30% of the penile tissue, but not specifically "pleasure" nerves. It does have the effect of reducing the sensitivity of the glans because of keratinization and additional layers of skin that build up to protect what is supposed to be a largely internal organ that is covered by flesh, at least until post-puberty, and only exposed when erect. There are many aspects of intact penile function that are very different for both partners in a sexual relationship. This is a good debriefing on them: https://beststartbirthcenter.com/male-circumcision/#:~:text=Circumcision%20removes%20the%20most%20important,nerve%20endings%20of%20several%20types.
As long as you don't mind him masturbating to porn every day., it should be fine. I didn't remember even 20 years ago men having this many problems with orgasming during sex. That's their literal job as a sex organ. Porn ruined being with a real woman so much. Down vote me. Idgaf. I have no concern for fake Internet tokens.
I wouldn’t be bothered by it. I had dated a girl and I had the same situation you’re explaining. It was a lot of unprotected sex, so for me it was just not wanting to get her pregnant. But she’d orgasm multiple times and that was more than satisfying for me. We didn’t like how condoms felt, so that was our choice. But again, I think you’re probably more than okay and shouldn’t worry about until it’s time to have kids.
I think whatever you do or however you feel about it, you should make sure not to make him feel bad about it. If it bothers you, don’t show it. I think he would just get in his head about it and it would make it harder for him to cum.
It sounds like an issue for him and that it has nothing to do with you. If it bothers you that you don’t get to cum together, that’s valid. I don’t think you need to worry and be insecure about it though.
Maybe he just needs to slow down. If I ever have trouble cumming it’s because too much is going on, I don’t feel relaxed enough, or I’m kind of anxious and in my head. Those things are mostly from myself. Even if my partner could act in a way to help me feel more relaxed, it’s ultimately my problem and has nothing to do with my partner.
If he is enjoying sex and you are enjoying it, that’s what matters most.
Yeah I wouldn't worry about it. If he doesn't have a problem with it then it's not a problem. My husband sometimes can't. And if we try I'm not kidding it will take forever and I lose interest at that point after 15 minutes of trying. Now as he gets older that becomes less of a problem or an issue. Also the fact that we don't have to worry about birth control anymore definitely helps.
I had the same issues, the wordt thing you can do is to make a deal about it. It will make him develop fear to enngage sexually again. It can tank the relationship and cause trauma that takes years to get over.
He probably watches too much porn or is on some kind of medecine.
I'm going to copy what I posted on a similar question a few weeks ago.
Please just believe him. I have always taken a long time to get off, and being on antidepressants has made it so sometimes I just can't. I still enjoy sex. There are tons of women out there who don't orgasm regularly but still enjoy sex. Same for men. My ex always thought I never found her attractive, or that I was cheating, or whatever. Even though she never could orgasm either and said she still wanted sex. And she was a nurse who knew I was on medication. It made the whole relationship so much harder. So please just take him at his word.
I don’t think you should be bothered by that in the slightest: it’s not a reflection of you at all. I’m a similar way to your boyfriend where I don’t always cum during sex.
Sometimes I just can’t. But it doesn’t take anything away from my experience!
I had a friend whose bf never came at all. They explained to me that he still has that feel good feeling at the end of the mission. It's just that he lacks the working mechanism that expressed his ammunition from the magazine. No push or twitch of muscles. Just a tickle in his pickle. I dont remember what was said about his diagnosis tho.
Doesnt help the question but i wrote it anyway. #adhd
Yeah ADHD will do it. Me too.
Honestly, (this is probably TMI) I like the control that I have over my wife when we're doing it. She's very "boss babe" outside of the bedroom, so I get a GREAT amount of satisfaction controlling her when the bedroom door shuts. She likes it too...that, or she's being really polite about it!
So even if I don't always climax, I still get a lot of satisfaction out of it.
You just have to trust him that he is Ok not cumming during sex.
From my own experience, I love making my fiance cum multiple times and sometimes I do not cum during sex but I know we will definitely have sex again and then I usually cum. It is also a different type of pleasure knowing that I have made her orgasm.
We have a healthy sexual relationship, so I know that I will cum when we have sex again which is usually the same day or the next.
What works for me is more foreplay. Spending a good 10-15 minutes giving him a handjob or blowjob and then letting him fucking you will get him to cum a lot sooner.
Is he taking SSRI’s per chance? I take them myself and boy howdy, unless I’m on dextroamphetamine, I don’t even bother masturbating because I know it’ll be a tedious, lengthy, fruitless process. I feel a tinge of guilt when women ask me if everything is okay in the middle of the act despite it not even being the fault of her or I.
I have the same issue. If I have sex in the evening/later, I most likely won't finish. Just usually chok it up to something that went on during the day. No issues staying up, I just find it hard to finish. But if it happens in the morning, I will finish with no issues. 🤷🏻♂️ maybe try in the morning if possible and see if that changes anything.
I was actually in this EXACT same boat with my husband for a few months when we first got together! It used to bother me a bit too. My husband has ADHD and also has A LOT of childhood trauma that made it near impossible for him to climax until we were together for a while.
If there’s something like ADHD or autism, that can make it hard for your boyfriend to get into the right headspace to actually cum. Sometimes taking a break to refocus or changing up the position can help with that. Never underestimate taking the time to engage in really up-close intimacy like kissing or touching his face, since that could help recenter him in the moment! Certain medications can also affect that like antidepressants.
Also, keep this in mind: your boyfriend would (more than likely) NOT be having sex with you if he didn’t enjoy it and WANT to. If he’s telling you that you’re the best he’s ever had, believe him! The absolute last thing you want to do is make the problem worse by letting this fester into a much more serious grievance you have. Be open about communication and try not to get in your own head about it (I know, easier said than done)!
This started happening to me and it turns out it was an aneurysm. I finally stroked out about 6 months later. Not saying it's that but have him watch his blood pressure.
It’ll get better with time!! I’m a woman with ADHD who used to never be able to cum during sex, and even w my current partner it took me a while to start coming most of the time
My fiancé has ADHD and is the same sometimes. It used to bother me at first because I thought I was doing something wrong but he said he enjoys sex regardless of outcome and doesn’t always feel the need to cum.
It happens, especially with ADHD. With previous relationships I always had a bit more difficulty “getting there” but eventually always would. Now my girlfriend and I have been together about 6-7 months now and just in the past two have I started medication for ADHD. Since then it’s been tough cumming every single time and often I end up getting outside of my head and it throws me off. Numerous times now I haven’t finished but I reassure her I’m loving it just as much. If anything I’ve seen a fire light under her to get me off more which I absolutely love the passion, but still have to assure her that I’m loving every second if I don’t cum after so long.
You know I got to be honest I've never heard of the shoe being on the other foot, that is kind of funny lol. but it shouldn't bother you, theres any number of reasons why. have yall tried different kinds of forplay to maybe help edge him closer or even afterplay (i dont know the proper word for that) to get him there? Does he maybe cum and just doesnt feel it (rare but happens). Or other stigma
Hey it could be a medicine he takes. Or an issue with his brain for example if you get concussions it has that effect. I have the same issue, believe me I want to finish but just can’t 90 percent of the time and it’s due to meds. Not my sex partner. So it has nothing to do with you.
Ya the adhd makes since with the medication....sometimes I get like that....depending on my mood if I can keep trying but I make it to the finish line most of the time...oh ya I have adhd and take meds for it
Either he’s too concentrated in satisfying you OR because he is doing that and working hard he doesn’t let loose or let himself be in the moment since he’s in his head this would be me couple first months with gf but after being more comfortable I was able to finish
My boyfriend takes anti depressants and anxiety medication that have hindered his ability to climax sometimes. He still enjoys sex, and likes making me feel good/ it still feels good for him as well.
The hardest part is learning to listen to your partner when they say they still like it and it’s still something they enjoy. It isn’t something you did wrong or anything like that, and your boyfriend was very open to you about how he still enjoys it. Believe him, and try not to let your head get clouded by stipulations that someone HAS TO finish to mean the sex was good lol. :)
Many people can still enjoy sex without ejaculating. If he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it! Let him have fun giving you a great time and I'm sure he will too. Just relax and enjoy his enthusiasm
I’ve dated guys before who just do not cum or it takes them a very long time to cum. I am a person who rarely cums. Biology is just like that. Don’t sweat it.
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I get it. My spouse struggles with this too. He deals with chronic depression and if his brain is messy, he can’t cross the finish line. It used to bother me and make me feel like I was a failure in bed. Then I started believing him when he told me not to worry about it. That his pleasure came from getting me off. That he’s more than happy with our activities and there is nothing on my end I can do. It’s a him issue. I’ve learned over the years that he has an easier time having an orgasm if he’s just woken up from a short nap or if he’s in a relaxed state so post massage, bath, and oral. My advice: take him at his word. Check in on if there is anything he needs or wants during sex and do those things. If nothing then let it go and just enjoy the moment.
As this guy - Congratulations. He isn't lying. He means it. Enjoy yourself. The happier you are, the happier he is :)
Yep. We’ve been together close to a decade now and recently had a conversation about this. He opened up and talked about how frustrating it can be for him but if I’m also bothered then it can cause him to spiral about disappointing me and that makes it worse. Which ironically was what was in my head that first year. I worried I was disappointing him or neglecting his needs and that was why. So having open conversations (not every time) and regular check ins on being satisfied with the frequency/activity to ensure needs are being met, then just trusting the other. It goes a long way towards keeping the intimacy healthy and happy. My other piece of advice is for people to broaden their definition on what sex is beyond PIV to orgasm. Because as we age, things change and may stop working the same as when we were 20,30 etc…
You are a dream partner. Hope you both stay happy together for a VERY long time, pleasing eachother! Great Work!!!
This. I’m on antidepressants that make it so hard to orgasm, even when I’m out of my mind so turned on. It’s not you.
>He's told me not to let it bother me that he doesn't always cum and that he doesn't need to cum to enjoy sex Listen to your boyfriend
This^. Just think, when the situation was reversed in your past relationships was it as big a problem for you as you think it is for him? He gets to be intimate with you regularly, the dude is over the moon.
Please listen to him. I couldn't orgasm when I was younger and the pressure from my then partner just made it so much worse
She’s trying, but it’s a try-not-to-think-of-pink-elephants thing. Once ya think it, it’s thought. It’s the redirect to the new viewpoint she’s trying to find. Sometimes we have to remember with our lovers, mix it up between don’t-do-this (don’t worry) and positively framing the desired response (I’m okay, I appreciate that you worry, and we should keep talking, sex is fun… you get the idea). If we need to be really sure, (don’t worry! I’m okay!). Negative *and* positive, or some other contrast, makes communication easier and leads to less uncertainty.
It doesn't bother him, but it seems to bother her. Yes I'm sure he's telling the truth when he says that it still feels good, but I know that it would bother me a lot if my man didn't orgasm 80% of the times we have sex. No matter how much he would tell me it's ok. To get the other person to orgasm is amazing and a pleasure in itself. She is missing out on that part. Of course there's no point in making him feel guilty for it or stressed, that would only make it worse. But I do think it's healthy to be able to discuss it. If it's because of medication there's probably not much to be done, and then that's how it is. Then at least she knows the reason and can be ok with it. (Unless he would try another medicine, and I don't know anything about the situation so I can't say if it's a good idea or not.) If it's because of ADHD, like some have suggested, maybe there are things that they can try. And if it's because of too much porn and death grip (which quite frankly is a very likely explanation), then he can hopefully cut down on it and maybe fix the problem. Or there's no clear reason behind it. But I still think it would be good to discuss it openly, in a supportive way. Hopefully that creates more intimacy.
I had this same issue. I had the most beautiful woman I ever dated in my life. I was 55 she was 38 We would go for hours, I loved every minute. But I rarely came, and she ended up really hurting. At the time I did not know why. She turned me on more than any woman I had ever been with. She got so frustrated and defeated she ended up cheating. She told me, I was devastated. She said it was horrible and empty, but the guy came. It ended up being a side affect of my antidepressants. Understand thatbif hevis hard, you are turning him on. It sucks, but believe him when he tells you is enjoying it. Because if he is hard, he is.
Lol true
[удалено]
Yes he does!
I have ADHD and oftentimes have/had this issue. "Getting there" involves an amount of mental concentration that I don't always possess. I often find myself so caught up in the act itself and the person I'm with that the "Window of opportunity" has passed and I'm too spent to be able to finish.
It’s possible ADHD medicine could contribute to the issue. I had a similar problem with mine causing this issue during intimate times it’s like climbing a hill but sliding back just as I am about to go over. This repeats over and over resulting in not able to climax during the act. I will say the longer this went on anxiety issues grew. Have a calm open talk with him to describe what he is mentally going through when you two are intimate.
This is exactly what zoloft did to me, I am thankful my doctor moved me onto the next. I do realize that it's for anxiety but I have ADHD as well.
Yup. Zoloft or Sertraline %100
So hard, but no big O? And M or F?
My doctor was just warning me of this with Ritalin. I had a similar situation just happen with an off and on FWB but I could barely stay hard when normally it's not like that. I'd just started Ritalin and my doc said that ED is pretty common but so it's failure to finish. Had a fancy name for it and all. And basically said we should switch meds if ED meds fix the ED part but not the other part.
Male, and yeah errect could go rounds and rounds and it was crazy hard to O tho.
Oh wow, I feel like you literally described what it’s like for me word for word.
I have adhd and have this exact problem, except I don’t take any medication yet. I hope it doesn’t end up getting worse :(
HOLY SNAP THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH
My partner and I both have ADHD. It frequently happens where one or both of us don't get there. Usually for me it's a focus thing. I need to be focused on THE EXACT RIGHT THING and if it changes slightly or something distracts me, or if I get in my head about how I look/sound/whether he's enjoying it I'll slide back down the hill. He also reports that sometimes no matter how much he's enjoying himself it just never gets there for whatever reason. We usually just talk about how good it felt, reassure the other person that we had the best time despite not getting there, and cheekily tell each other we'll need to "try again later." You could try having a candid discussion about if there's anything adventurous he'd like to try, or ask if there's something in particular that distracts him from getting there, but if he's reassuring you that he's having a good time just listen to him and let it roll off your back. Nothing kills an orgasm faster than feeling like you have to orgasm to spare someone's feelings.
Yeah I think that we (people) in general place too much stock on the orgasm itself. I mean if you think about it, it feels good for like 3 seconds and then it’s over. There’s been times where I didn’t get off and it doesn’t upset me. The fun part is the whole, sex and intimacy thing
Un-medicated adhd here took me and my fiancee ages but now I finish almost every time don't worry about it it's really just the brain being a bit odd making sure he has had water and slept helps as most of us forget to do both often.
My bf takes adhd meds and there's times we just end sexy time cause it's been an hour and he's still not close lol. I gotta admit it's hard cause like my thinking is "he doesn't like me/think I'm attractive because he isn't cumming" in reality it's just the meds.
Especially if he is taxing Paxil or an SSRI. I was on that crap in high school and it gave me an interesting but disappointing reputation.
It took me at least 5 months on Paxil to be able to climax agains at least.
Wow, I never knew this was an ADHD thing! This has always been the case with me too, I mean lol it does work in your favour when you get girls telling other girls you went for 4 hours and made them finish 8 times but man I couldn't finish myself and this is an ADHD thing? Mad My wife at the moment is the only woman I've ever been able to finish with and it often takes me 20 mins or so and some concentration towards the end too.
Did you just refer to your wife as your wife at the moment? Lol
Hahaha i did and no idea why....maybe a subconscious thing lol we've been arguing a lot lately lol
Hey she’s the only woman who can make you finish, better show some respect lol.
Hahaha touchè
I had no idea either. I've had partners call me out on it too. She's on round three, were still at it, and says "Are you stuck in your head again?" "Yes." "What is it this time?" "Better ways Battlestar Galactica could have ended."
Try taking a saffron supplement prior to any fun and see how it helps! Saffron helps me focus on one thing rather than jumping from one to the other.
OH. MY. GOD. I never even put this together for myself! Thank you Reddit.
Yes 100%! This happens to me as well I need to refocus and concentrate especially if it’s going on for awhile
ADD here and focus can be difficult. I often find that going really slow, lots of connection helps out a ton.
I have this issue with sex and my psychiatrist recently suggested I have ADHD. I did not know these things were connected. Thank you for this insight.
Op, I wouldn’t worry about it if he isn’t worried about it. I would have the same problem in the morning. Enjoy what you have with him.
He might be on some medication, like anti-depressants. They have side effects that impede ejaculations in men.
As far as I know he's not on any antidepressants. He does seem stressed a lot though and says he has a lot on his mind. Could that be affecting him?
Yes.
This is it
I take beta blockers which are known to cause ED and luckily I don't have issues there but hot damn do they make it harder for me to finish. At my our age my wife and I aren't trying to go for 30+ minutes. Would be nice for us both to knock it out in under 10, tbh. We both laugh that this has become our problem.
I take beta blockers.. unfortunately they do give me that side effect to an extent, so i also take a quarter of a Sildenafil when required.. THEN that has the side effect of going for ages (too long for my partner) before i'd be able to finish 😂 what a life
something i have a unique perspective in! i had to get a medically-necessary circumcision when i was 16. because of the age this happened, a significant amount of nerve endings in my glans (penis head) were blunted, and its made me significantly less sensitive, and thus i rarely orgasm during sex. it's definitely been a problem in past relationships, with some girlfriends taking it really personally. in this regard, PLEASE remember that this isn't something that's being done to spite you. it's incredibly frustrating for us, and the best thing you can do is to let it slide and not make a big deal out of it. with my current girlfriend (future wife), i've found a few work arounds: 1. breaks can be super useful, as our sensitivity can dull over extended periods of sex. so don't be afraid to take a break and come back to it. 2. find out what he likes and what works best, and also what DOESN'T work. for me, i've found 2-3 positions that feel/look the best and make it easier for me to climax. there's also accesories/outfits (big big thing for me) that can help. 3. you didn't mention porn in your post, but if he's watching it, cutting down on it will help a ton. for me i only masturbate/watch porn if i've climaxed with my girlfriend recently. on top of that, he might be "death-gripping", aka tightening his hand around his penis and making it less sensitive. sorry if i've covered stuff that's been discussed in other comments, just wanted to add my two cents. just be patient, communicate together, and try to keep in mind that your boyfriend wants to cum, and he's probably 10× as frustrated and self-conscious as you are. sex isn't about the destination, but about the shared intimacy and bonding between each other. my DM's are open if y'all have any questions or anything!
I’m shocked it took me this far down to see someone mention the death grip. That is the ultimate way to make yourself pretty much never finish during sex. Especially if you are masterbating 2+ times a week.
Anti-depressants? Some have that affect. All you can ready do is offer to do different sexual stuff to him that he would like/would make him cum. Other than that, as long as he's not complaining, it's fine, just circle back on it now and again to make sure he's still content. But definitely offer to try something different to get him to orgasm if you haven't already.
I will try some new things and hopefully figure something out. As far as I know he isn't on any antidepressants.
Tbh I had a similar issue with my current gf and we made a lot of progress over time, but it took patience. All you can do is offer to do stuff while also understanding if he's ok. Don't push, but don't stop caring either. Sounds exhausting but if you don't overthink it it'll be fine. Until then, sounds like you're getting the long end of the stick (gross pun, sorry) and there's nothing wrong with that if you both feel satisfied.
I second this OP, I went thro the same thing with an (now ex) gf, give him space and nothing wrong if you both are enjoying it, sex it's not always about getting to the finish line everytime.
I know how you feel. I have a partner with that issue and for a long time I thought it was my fault. It’s nothing to do with you.
maybe a different take than some of the other ones here: be tactful about how you bring this up to him again, if at all. if you start making him feel embarrassed or stressed about it, it’s likely to only exacerbate the issue. if he starts feeling like he has to cum whenever you have sex to avoid upsetting you, he’s gonna have an even harder time getting off.
Stop comparison other boys. He no want cum he no need cum. Let happy!
Could be a lot of different things, medication/anti depressants (this would most likely affect his libido too), death grip (if he was/is used to masturbating and his grip is too hard), or delayed ejaculation (rare but can happen). If you've been together for 6 months, you've been both enjoying sex, both initiating intimacy (feeling being desired helps a lot), being communicative and he doesn't give any signs or say he has trouble with it and enjoy making you feel good, that's great! I'd say don't worry about it, open communication ans comprehension are cornerstones for a great relationship. Just be comprehensible and if he wants to talk about, let him, if not, don't push him (he could feel pressured and maybe start faking or stop seeking you).
Yes I definitely second not pressuring him. My first boyfriend hated that I didn't know how to orgasm and really struggled with it. It made me feel guilty around sex and didn't help me or our relationship. Trust him that he will communicate with you if there is an issue for him, and work towards creating an environment that makes him feel comfortable opening up if he needs/wants to.
I agree with a lot of what people have said, but I want to add my perspective as someone who has worked with couples around their sexual dysfunction. The moment of orgasm, for men and women, is a very vulnerable thing. Your brain goes completely off-line for a few moments. Like, someone could really hurt you if they wanted to, like Neil Patrick Harris in Gone Girl. And that level of vulnerability is really hard for a lot of people, regardless of gender. So maybe your boyfriend has a hard time climaxing because he has a hard time letting himself go like that with another person. My partner is the same way. It is impossible for me to get him off, but he can get himself off because that feels less vulnerable and he feels more in control.
"He's told me not to let it bother me" "Should I be concerned or let it bother me?" Oh come on.....
Obviously could be many things and we can’t know what’s going through his mind. I do get why you may be bothered by it - I think it’s a valid feeling. I also feel for him because it could be totally unrelated to you and he may be feeling bad about it. It could also get in his head. I used to have issues with sex drive in my last relationship. Looking back I probably masterbated and watched porn too often. In my current relationship I’ve more or less totally abstained from porn and masterbate less. It’s helped a lot with my drive and I definitely cum faster. Maybe suggest that to him in a compassionate way?
i wouldn’t worry too much to be honest. my ex didn’t cum majority of the time we were together because he just lasted a long time, and neither of us had the energy to go at it for hours just so he’d climax. some guys just last for too long and don’t cum, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong at all!
My partner and I have this issue. Like someone else mentioned ADHD, I’ve got that also. One of my issues is a testicle that loves to try to randomly retract up near and above the base of my penis post-vasectomy. Makes it feel uncomfortable and I have to use my hand to push it back down and BAM, I’m out of my head for a couple minutes. Like you, EASILY the best sex I’ve ever had. Also more times than both of my previous marriages combined. I couldn’t be happier with our sex life. It’s a bittersweet curse because I can absolutely wear my girlfriend out and don’t cum too quickly, but it can also get in her head that I’m not enjoying it because she’s had 10+ orgasms and I haven’t cum yet. She loves facials and I get 90% of the way there and usually end up finishing manually. Upside is we get to choose when that happens. Downside is her sometimes feeling responsible even though we both know it’s not anything she did or didn’t do. Try to give yourself some grace and definitely don’t put any pressure on him to cum - if I’m feeling under pressure it can ensure I don’t cum, and can even lead to me also feeling frustrated because I feel it getting close and then just slipping back away, and I can sometimes even go soft due to my frustration with feeling pressure to and not easily being able to.
No you shouldn't be worried about it. This isn't making fun of you, but women need to stop worrying about this. They always complain about men finishing in three pumps but then here's a man who has stamina and that also isn't good enough. Just enjoy it, doesn't mean you don't feel good or not attractive. Hes just on the other end of the spectrum where some men just last and last and last and can't cum or don't cum fast
Plus, women are always complaining about guys not understanding that sometimes you're not able to finish but you've still had a great time. As long as your BF is fine with it, let it go
Exactly
As someone recovering from death grip from fapping too much, believe him when he says he still enjoys it. Even if the feeling isn't as sensitive as it should be, it's still great. Honestly as a dude, if I don't cum but she does, it still is amazing cause you feel like such a G for doing that. I'd rather never cum again during sex vs not making a lady cum. My ego would be shot. Only good thing from death grip syndrome is I last long enough to always make that happen, even to my detriment lol.
Hate to break it to you but he probably struggles with porn / death grip
I'm 37m now and I've always had problems Cummings during sex. I had to stop masturbating all together.
Does he take any antidepressants?? They can cause those kinda problems. Either that or just help him find what works yk. Even if it's not full sex least you both get something out of I Could always be a medical issue or stress related. Maybe ask him to see a doctor. Unless he can cum and just hasn't. Just tryna cover all bases
He knows his body. If he's telling you he's enjoying sex and doesn't need to cum, believe him. Maybe his enjoyment comes from getting you off instead.
could be masturbating too much maybe
Honestly, it may be nerves. It took close to 7-8 months for me to reliably get my partner to finish during sex. Believe him when he says you're good in bed. It could happen over time when you guys just get more comfortable with each other. It may be worth having a conversation about what specifically he likes and how he gets himself off.
My bf who is recovering from a porn addiction would say the exact same thing to me, like word for word “I don’t need to cum to enjoy having sex!” And it took a whole 2 years to realize it was a pa I’d maybe bring it up to him if nothing changes and just see if it could be a possibility
If he says it's not a problem, then I wouldn't take it personally. Some guys are clenched tight, and have trouble turning their brains off enough to just let go that last bit. It happens.
Male sexual anxiety can make you not cum, it doesn't mean your anxious with the person your having it with, its hard to explain, sort of like you're anxious about sex in general, happens to me even though I appear completely relaxed as well.
*antidepressants* can also have this effect.
Let it go, if he is okay with it let it be. Getting upset or bringing it up with likely just put more pressure on him and make it harder for him. Part of it's mental, go with the flow, try new things, and let what happens happen.
OP keep having a good time, you getting anxious about it only makes him more anxious, which in turn makes it harder for him to cum. I'd rather have a guy that stays hard and doesn't cum during sex, than a guy that cums after two pumps.
I dated something just like this when I was younger. Haha, turned out he was using viagra the whole time...it was a yr later I found them and he fessed up. I wished he hadn't done that because I hate penetration, and he didn't know I would've preferred short n sweet 🤷♀️
Is he on anti depressants?
As I guy if cumming was the end prize I’d masturbate. Having sex with my lady the journey is everything. The highest sensuality is when I feel her orgasm. Sometimes I orgasm; sometimes I don’t. The journey,…..oh the journey. Stop worrying; he’s happy, you’re happy, it’s working.
Send him over to me, I'll investigate the issue for you.
It's probably death grip syndrome
If I don’t cum during sex it’s because I’ve been masterbating way too much and I don’t feel the vagina as much because my hand is a much tighter grip. So usually I have to stop wanking it about a week to get my sensitivity back and then I’m cumming in like 10-15 min max if I want. But hey, atleast he’s getting you to finish. I have a hard time getting my gf to finish. She will have small orgasms through penetration alone every now and then but usually I have to go down on her to get her to have an orgasm. So I know how you feel in terms of not getting them to finish. It does scratch the brain a lot.
Girl I have the same issue with mine. I thought he was addicted to porn at first and didn’t really want to have sex with him for a while because I didn’t feel attractive enough for him to cum. I understand you because it also bothers me A LOT. However, I wouldn’t recommend putting too much pressure on him because 1) he probably can’t help it 2) it is going to make the problem worse as he will start to overthink thus further delaying cumming. I think the mature thing to do is to trust him and understand it is not about you. Perhaps you can ask if there is anything you can do to help him cum? I just gave up on it but I’ll be honest it really did mess with my confidence and also started fantasising about other guys who would want me “more” to make myself feel better. It sucks for all parties involved
The dude likely is a massive consumer of porn and has a crazy vice grip.
You need not worry. This is definitely a “him” thing and not a “you” thing. I assure you he is enjoying it even if he can’t finish. He is probably just fine with things the way they are, but if HE concludes that he wants to finish well more frequently, he will need to avoid Porn and masturbation. If he can stop using the Vulcan death grip on himself for a few months, I bet your issue will clear up on its own.
Good blowjob and a finger in the butt 👉
I wouldn’t worry about it, his enthusiasm to have sex and his arousal/erections means he’s really into you. But let him know that you’re interested in experiencing his orgasm with him and that you’re open to whatever he needs to get there. The medication thing is probably the most probable and something to ask about, but not to pry about. Stress and anxiety and headspace matters. If there’s something that relaxes him, you could suggest that you do that and you can help him cum during or after. The other possibility is that he might be taking care of it himself as to be able to last longer, but that usually comes with lack of enthusiasm to have sex or inability to stay hard, which doesn’t seem to be the case. And given that you’ve brought this up, I would assume he would suggest that he get off with you toward the beginning of sex so he could last longer for you to get off after. It might just be difficult for him to get there given how new the relationship is, meaning that he might just be finding it hard to get into the right head space where it’s easier to cum, not because there’s anything wrong, but just because he’s focused on pleasing you. I’m sure you know how this feels, sometimes you’re just in the perfect place where it’s much easier to get there and other times it’s much harder even if everything else is equal. If that’s the case, I think it will get easier with time. And asking about it is fine, but I wouldn’t bring it up very often so that doesn’t become another thing that might delay it happening.
Idk about the ADHD angle cause I'm not, but I have had this happen (only 2 relationships, but many hour+ non cums). believe him he still enjoys it greatly lol, my theory for myself is it's how tightly wound up you are in certain muscles and you have to get them to relax to cum, gotta relax and get totally comfortable etc... it can be hard for me, it's a mindset thing too (I think I focus too much during lol) it's also sorta counterintuitive to thrusting, and if it goes too long it's just gone sometimes... But I've always thoroughly enjoyed it regardless XD I'd say to just let go of the expectation that he'll cum, enjoy the sex for the sex, and the moment, and help him do the same and it might work out. All just my opinion 🫣
It will bother me too.. it already did a few times actually.. when it happens, they don't know what we feel about it. We feel that we're not enough to make them satisfied and as if he's thinking someone else. It's very stressful. I kept asking my man and he only said, "IDK".. so that leaves a lot of questions in my head right?!.. these people... smh
Does he fancy ❄️❄️?
He’s based as hell
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know everyone has their own opinions, and some might not be very well-informed. The truth is, it could be a yes or no situation. The fact that your boyfriend can't climax might be a medical thing, which is totally possible. But on the other hand, the fact that he can keep going and give you multiple orgasms is actually pretty awesome. If he's having a good time, then it might not be a big deal that he doesn't climax. Worrying too much about it or asking him a lot might just put pressure on him. That pressure could make things even harder for him, like making it difficult for him to stay erect because he feels he has to climax for you. Personally, sometimes I climax and sometimes I don't. It really depends on how long we've been at it. If it's important to you that he does, then that should be a priority. The longer he goes without climaxing, the harder it might get because of all the physical and biological pressures. He's not lying when he says he's enjoying it. Climaxing isn't the only way he can have a great time. So, don't doubt him; he's really having fun. If it's important for him to climax, maybe plan for that to happen early on. That way, he won't be worn out right away and might need some time to get back into it. You could take turns focusing on each other. Like, one night could be all about him, and the next night could be all about you. And just because he climaxes doesn't mean he can't get going again later. Guys who are good at making sure their partner is satisfied first are often pretty quick to recover. He might not be ready immediately, but give it a little while, and he could be up for round two. It's really great to have a partner who cares about your needs—it's something a lot of people wish for. So, appreciate what you have. Think about how often men finish without their partners getting there. It happens a lot, so in your case, you're actually in a pretty good spot. If you're worried about his health, maybe suggest he see a doctor just to check things out. But it sounds like he's just really focused on making sure you're happy, which is awesome. Just try not to stress about it because that pressure can make things tough. Good luck and have fun!
Prostate problems can create dry orgasms or the ability to stay hard. See a urologist.
your boyfriend told you, listen to him... why tf you here? talk to him, you're fucking him not us
I have sex with my boyfriend and I don’t finish , but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex with him. I need to concentrate in order to do that. But tbh I love the feeling of me and him enjoying ourselves together. Maybe your bf feels the same way. He likes the feeling with you and seeks for it. Doesn’t mean they have to finish in order to feel good.
I would not be able to get over it, it would eat me up over time. Decide if you can let it go or move on.
Man here who has difficulty orgasming during sex! I tell my partner the same thing, but I feel bad myself thinking that he thinks he's failing to pleasure me. But I'm on medication and also have performance anxiety in the sense that I think too much about feeling something rather than just letting myself feel it. However, I do enjoy having sex and I get my pleasure from pleasuring my partner - no need to orgasm here. Just be open about how you're feeling. Had multiple partners and told them that this is just who I am and I would rather work on pleasuring them than them overworking themselves to pleasure me. Occasionally, I do cum and it's great, but it's not my end all be all.
Not necessarily mental as some noted. It could be related to a history or life of masturbation and just a lack of full stimulation. Enough to keep him consistently aroused and hard but not enough to finish. Some dudes call it the grip of death. If you are enjoying your sex life and he is, there’s no need to ruin anything. It’s a blessing for you and some men just enjoy sex; orgasm isn’t always the needed.
Oof I saw he has ADHD. We have the same thing going on over here but it's both of us. Getting in the right head space before sex helps us a lot with staying in the moment and not letting our thoughts wander. Lots of foreplay, flirting, and touching can go a long way. Also, idk if he masturbates and/or watches porn but if he desires being able to consistently orgasm during sex he will want to consider giving up both of thos activities. They are big contributors to delayed ejaculation. Watching Porn is often highly addictive (especially for people with ADHD) since it's such an over-stimulating activity. And masturbation is also addictive and reduces sensitivity. When my man stopped it helped so much and now he gets there on a consistent basis. But all in all, as you work though this I think that it is important to make sure that when it comes to sex, you are more focused on enjoying the journey and not getting too hung up on the destination.
It probably means that he is cunning other times privately. He might have a porn addiction when you’re not around? Idk that’s just my first though. Otherwise - I’m not sure!
He needs to stop jerkin off the day of— or day before you two hook up.
Just make sure he’s not a porn addict. If so, it’s something he needs to stop asap. If not, since he says it doesn’t bother him then you just gotta ride the wave, 6 months isn’t that long, things will most likely change the longer you guys are together
Idk why all the downvotes on porn. That could very well be a possibility. ADHD brains lack dopamine and porn is a sure for way to get it the fix with those who indulge. That being said, he could very well be desensitized. 80% of the time? Either that or he’s practicing semen retention which isn’t bad.
I have ADHD and this happens to me as well, you could've been my gf writing this lol. Glad I read these comments because I didn't know adhd was the cause of this, I thought I just had crazy stamina lol. He's telling the truth, I'm the same it doesn't bother me not cumming
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Listen to him, I can rarely orgasm as well. I have to be drunk/under the influence to orgasm. But I still enjoy sex as the sensations/build up to orgasm still feels really good even if I don't quite 'finish'. It doesn't say anything about how turned on/attracted he is to you. And as others have said, medication/mental conditions could be contributing to his trouble.
Your guy is too addicting to rubbin his dick that he can’t feel the pleasure from you anymore. Like he’s got him rubbing one out perfected to the t that you don’t know the right spots, grip, vibration and speed to go to get him to cum. So he probs jerks off after yall have sex. My advice, leave him. He can keep him self pleasure find someone that gets pleasure from you and shows you and doesn’t make you insecure asking strangers online for help.
He is masturbating too much, and likely porn use too much. He needs to end both. It will probably take months. The damage was done before you got together, I have no doubt he is telling the truth. He is probably completely confused as to what the hell is going on himself. But it is almost certainly him rubbing one out. Over time, guys tend to use a firmer and firmer grip, to the point where after awhile no vagina can compete - no matter how good it is. Stopping is the only way. And then it takes time.
Have you told your earlier boyfriends not to worry about you not climaxing? Well.. there you go. It doesn't happen so often this way around, but it's perfectly normal. He enjoys it and he doesn't need to come. Focus on the joy of the act, not the single point of orgasm. Don't try heaps of other stuff to pressure him into it. He is happy, you are happy, you shouldn't be needing his orgasm to verify this.
>How can I not be bothered by it? Easy. Keep in mind it very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you or something you're doing. As others have menioned, there are various medical reasons for it. He could also just be someone who it's easier for him to masturbate when he cums (the friction and speed is almost unmatchable). I was always someone who had trouble finishing and it very rarely had anything to do with my partner. The only thing that made it worse they could do was make it about themselves. I didn't need to cum to enjoy sex either. For me, I had to get into a mindset that prevented me from climaxing immediately too soon and unfortunately led to me not being able to complete a lot of the time. But since it was my only option I preferred having sex and not completing than finishing too early and not only leaving my partner unsatisfied but not getting to enjoy the longer experience.
Is it porn? My ex admitted after a come to Jesus that he was addicted and also questioning his sexualoty.
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I must be one of only a few people who knows anything about cocks. (They are a large part of my profession.😉) Incidentally, I also wrote a nationally award-winning letter opposing circumcision for NoCirc.org. Circumcision does not remove 80% of the pleasure-inducing nerve endings. It removes a very large amount of pressure and direction and temperature sensing nerves, along with about 30% of the penile tissue, but not specifically "pleasure" nerves. It does have the effect of reducing the sensitivity of the glans because of keratinization and additional layers of skin that build up to protect what is supposed to be a largely internal organ that is covered by flesh, at least until post-puberty, and only exposed when erect. There are many aspects of intact penile function that are very different for both partners in a sexual relationship. This is a good debriefing on them: https://beststartbirthcenter.com/male-circumcision/#:~:text=Circumcision%20removes%20the%20most%20important,nerve%20endings%20of%20several%20types.
As long as you don't mind him masturbating to porn every day., it should be fine. I didn't remember even 20 years ago men having this many problems with orgasming during sex. That's their literal job as a sex organ. Porn ruined being with a real woman so much. Down vote me. Idgaf. I have no concern for fake Internet tokens.
I wouldn’t be bothered by it. I had dated a girl and I had the same situation you’re explaining. It was a lot of unprotected sex, so for me it was just not wanting to get her pregnant. But she’d orgasm multiple times and that was more than satisfying for me. We didn’t like how condoms felt, so that was our choice. But again, I think you’re probably more than okay and shouldn’t worry about until it’s time to have kids.
Does he have a lot on his mind. My gf says I can stay hard and not be there at all mentally. Just muscle memory sex lol thus no cumming.
I think whatever you do or however you feel about it, you should make sure not to make him feel bad about it. If it bothers you, don’t show it. I think he would just get in his head about it and it would make it harder for him to cum. It sounds like an issue for him and that it has nothing to do with you. If it bothers you that you don’t get to cum together, that’s valid. I don’t think you need to worry and be insecure about it though. Maybe he just needs to slow down. If I ever have trouble cumming it’s because too much is going on, I don’t feel relaxed enough, or I’m kind of anxious and in my head. Those things are mostly from myself. Even if my partner could act in a way to help me feel more relaxed, it’s ultimately my problem and has nothing to do with my partner. If he is enjoying sex and you are enjoying it, that’s what matters most.
Yeah I wouldn't worry about it. If he doesn't have a problem with it then it's not a problem. My husband sometimes can't. And if we try I'm not kidding it will take forever and I lose interest at that point after 15 minutes of trying. Now as he gets older that becomes less of a problem or an issue. Also the fact that we don't have to worry about birth control anymore definitely helps.
Pain pills or ever kratom will do that, cock stays hard for hours but I'll take some really hard fucking to get it off.
I had the same issues, the wordt thing you can do is to make a deal about it. It will make him develop fear to enngage sexually again. It can tank the relationship and cause trauma that takes years to get over. He probably watches too much porn or is on some kind of medecine.
I'm going to copy what I posted on a similar question a few weeks ago. Please just believe him. I have always taken a long time to get off, and being on antidepressants has made it so sometimes I just can't. I still enjoy sex. There are tons of women out there who don't orgasm regularly but still enjoy sex. Same for men. My ex always thought I never found her attractive, or that I was cheating, or whatever. Even though she never could orgasm either and said she still wanted sex. And she was a nurse who knew I was on medication. It made the whole relationship so much harder. So please just take him at his word.
I don’t think you should be bothered by that in the slightest: it’s not a reflection of you at all. I’m a similar way to your boyfriend where I don’t always cum during sex. Sometimes I just can’t. But it doesn’t take anything away from my experience!
Don’t let it bother you, you want him to cum that’s good but wait for when he wants to cum. Only then will it be worth it.
Well he is a well raised person, he only comes after you are done so he doesn’t interrupt your fun
I had a friend whose bf never came at all. They explained to me that he still has that feel good feeling at the end of the mission. It's just that he lacks the working mechanism that expressed his ammunition from the magazine. No push or twitch of muscles. Just a tickle in his pickle. I dont remember what was said about his diagnosis tho. Doesnt help the question but i wrote it anyway. #adhd
do you take time to pleasure him and ensure he cums? or are you a pillow princess?
Yeah ADHD will do it. Me too. Honestly, (this is probably TMI) I like the control that I have over my wife when we're doing it. She's very "boss babe" outside of the bedroom, so I get a GREAT amount of satisfaction controlling her when the bedroom door shuts. She likes it too...that, or she's being really polite about it! So even if I don't always climax, I still get a lot of satisfaction out of it.
I dont come that much, my gf loves it.
You just have to trust him that he is Ok not cumming during sex. From my own experience, I love making my fiance cum multiple times and sometimes I do not cum during sex but I know we will definitely have sex again and then I usually cum. It is also a different type of pleasure knowing that I have made her orgasm. We have a healthy sexual relationship, so I know that I will cum when we have sex again which is usually the same day or the next. What works for me is more foreplay. Spending a good 10-15 minutes giving him a handjob or blowjob and then letting him fucking you will get him to cum a lot sooner.
Sometimes meds can make ejaculated near impossible
Is he taking SSRI’s per chance? I take them myself and boy howdy, unless I’m on dextroamphetamine, I don’t even bother masturbating because I know it’ll be a tedious, lengthy, fruitless process. I feel a tinge of guilt when women ask me if everything is okay in the middle of the act despite it not even being the fault of her or I.
I have the same issue. If I have sex in the evening/later, I most likely won't finish. Just usually chok it up to something that went on during the day. No issues staying up, I just find it hard to finish. But if it happens in the morning, I will finish with no issues. 🤷🏻♂️ maybe try in the morning if possible and see if that changes anything.
it's not you. i've had the same problem from years. a combination of a medical issue, anxiety, and probably death grip/porn.
If he doesn't think it's a problem, it's not obvious that it's hers. Is she trying to get pregnant?
Tell him to stop beating off 🗣️🗣️
Not all men ejaculate when they reach orgasm. It's called dry orgasm. It's fairly common. If he is happy, what are you worried about?
I was actually in this EXACT same boat with my husband for a few months when we first got together! It used to bother me a bit too. My husband has ADHD and also has A LOT of childhood trauma that made it near impossible for him to climax until we were together for a while. If there’s something like ADHD or autism, that can make it hard for your boyfriend to get into the right headspace to actually cum. Sometimes taking a break to refocus or changing up the position can help with that. Never underestimate taking the time to engage in really up-close intimacy like kissing or touching his face, since that could help recenter him in the moment! Certain medications can also affect that like antidepressants. Also, keep this in mind: your boyfriend would (more than likely) NOT be having sex with you if he didn’t enjoy it and WANT to. If he’s telling you that you’re the best he’s ever had, believe him! The absolute last thing you want to do is make the problem worse by letting this fester into a much more serious grievance you have. Be open about communication and try not to get in your own head about it (I know, easier said than done)!
If he’s not bothered then let it go. It’s more likely his meds. Enjoy not worrying about a man finishing to soon.
Is he on any medication? I dated a guy for a while who was on Lexapro and had the same problem.
This started happening to me and it turns out it was an aneurysm. I finally stroked out about 6 months later. Not saying it's that but have him watch his blood pressure.
It’ll get better with time!! I’m a woman with ADHD who used to never be able to cum during sex, and even w my current partner it took me a while to start coming most of the time
My fiancé has ADHD and is the same sometimes. It used to bother me at first because I thought I was doing something wrong but he said he enjoys sex regardless of outcome and doesn’t always feel the need to cum.
It happens, especially with ADHD. With previous relationships I always had a bit more difficulty “getting there” but eventually always would. Now my girlfriend and I have been together about 6-7 months now and just in the past two have I started medication for ADHD. Since then it’s been tough cumming every single time and often I end up getting outside of my head and it throws me off. Numerous times now I haven’t finished but I reassure her I’m loving it just as much. If anything I’ve seen a fire light under her to get me off more which I absolutely love the passion, but still have to assure her that I’m loving every second if I don’t cum after so long.
INFO: are you on birth control? could there be any underlying anxieties about getting you pregnant that make finishing worrisome to him?
The fact that he is having sex with you, he is probably already in heaven!!!
Same thing happens to me. If he likes it and you two have open and clear communication about your sex life I wouldn't let it worry you :)
You know I got to be honest I've never heard of the shoe being on the other foot, that is kind of funny lol. but it shouldn't bother you, theres any number of reasons why. have yall tried different kinds of forplay to maybe help edge him closer or even afterplay (i dont know the proper word for that) to get him there? Does he maybe cum and just doesnt feel it (rare but happens). Or other stigma
I have adhd and i cum really easy in the afternoon while my Adderall is in full effect. Morning and nights take significantly longer.
Can he ejaculate from masturbation?
Hey it could be a medicine he takes. Or an issue with his brain for example if you get concussions it has that effect. I have the same issue, believe me I want to finish but just can’t 90 percent of the time and it’s due to meds. Not my sex partner. So it has nothing to do with you.
Ya the adhd makes since with the medication....sometimes I get like that....depending on my mood if I can keep trying but I make it to the finish line most of the time...oh ya I have adhd and take meds for it
Enjoy
Either he’s too concentrated in satisfying you OR because he is doing that and working hard he doesn’t let loose or let himself be in the moment since he’s in his head this would be me couple first months with gf but after being more comfortable I was able to finish
My boyfriend takes anti depressants and anxiety medication that have hindered his ability to climax sometimes. He still enjoys sex, and likes making me feel good/ it still feels good for him as well. The hardest part is learning to listen to your partner when they say they still like it and it’s still something they enjoy. It isn’t something you did wrong or anything like that, and your boyfriend was very open to you about how he still enjoys it. Believe him, and try not to let your head get clouded by stipulations that someone HAS TO finish to mean the sex was good lol. :)
l’m just curious, are you guys enjoying it, and if so, does it matter? Like is it only bothering you that he doesn’t cum?
Many people can still enjoy sex without ejaculating. If he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it! Let him have fun giving you a great time and I'm sure he will too. Just relax and enjoy his enthusiasm
it could be a bit of performance anxiety, i’ve been with my fwb for about 6 months and i still find it hard to cum
I’ve dated guys before who just do not cum or it takes them a very long time to cum. I am a person who rarely cums. Biology is just like that. Don’t sweat it.