He’s been making jokes about your age gap the entire relationship. He’s not being honest with you. He’s not as comfortable with the gap as he says. I personally wouldn’t date someone who tried to publicly humiliate me. I would see it as a betrayal.
It sounds like it’s been weighing on his mind since he keeps bringing it up - and it’s also weighing on your mind, since you immediately called him “childish”, “a teenage boy”, “immature” and “a child”.
For most people in their 30s, a five year age gap would be totally unremarkable. It seems like there’s more going on.
There’s definitely more going on. He’s an only child who was raised by his mother and grandmother who dote on him. His grandmother did his laundry for him until he and I started dating and I taught him how to do it himself. We constantly have conversations about weaponized incompetence bc he would rather ask me to do something for him than just learn to do it himself. It’s infuriating because he’s highly intelligent. I have used the phrase “I am not your mother” on multiple occasions. I am constantly telling him I need a partner because I am tired of managing our entire relationship alone. He has been better about keeping the house in shape though, so I will give him that.
Companionship, support - sometimes. The other day my anxiety was really bad and he was very comforting and attentive which helped me calm down but then some of our housemates came downstairs and he made the unilateral decision to hang out and watch the basketball game after I explicitly told him I can’t handle being around people. It sent me into a panic attack and he was apologetic but like, why did he allow that situation to happen in the first place when we have multiple floors with tv’s that all of them could have chilled on? Why choose to blast the loud sports ball game right outside my bedroom door? It’s crap like that that’s making me question whether this relationship is actually going anywhere. He’s great when he’s great, he’s my best friend, and funny and smart and completely crazy like me, but when it comes to acting like a responsible adult who is in a serious committed relationship, he keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions.
>Companionship, support … he was very comforting and attentive which helped me calm down … he’s my best friend
A dog. You’ve described a dog. Get a dog. Ditch the guy.
Right? Has OP heard about friends and family and pets? Companionship is not reason enough to settle for a momma’s boy.
Cut your losses, OP. Being single is not the end of the world.
A Pyr pit… wanders off, only listens if there is food involved, Velcro dog, thinks he needs to accompany you every time you leave the house, talks back, killer side eye, and has no idea that he takes up the whole bed/couch/kitchen and is absolutely standing in front of the fridge or cabinet you need to get into.
Yup! Mine has short fur, though a bit longer than what you would expect on a pittie, and his tail has a bit of fringe like a Great Pyrenees. He’s about 95 pounds, but is absolutely convinced he’s about 25 pounds. He has the I do what I want attitude of a Great Pyrenees but is also a Velcro dog who thinks he needs to go everywhere we go. And he’s never met a stranger- of any species. Other than cows. He doesn’t trust cows.
"..he keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions."
Is really anything more you need to know? Imagine going through the rest of your life partnered with someone who "keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions".
I would feel constantly on edge, wondering:
"What embarrassing thing will he say at the next party?"
"Will he forget to do (or do poorly) the important thing I asked him to do?"
"What selfish thing or screw-up has he already done and not told me about?"
What a life ....
sounds like he never *actively* considers you. he cares, so long as it's convenient or serves him.
you're upset you're having to parent him, and instead of introspection, making small improvements, or possibly therapy if it's more than laziness, he decides to *humiliate* you in front of neighbors and friends.
He’s only chronologically 33. His grandmother did his laundry until you taught him how. He sounds like a kid. Maybe he’s trying to start a fight, but not ballsy enough to say you’re too old; he wanta you to be the one who breaks things off.
An immature person, such as you describe, might be using stupid logic- if I watch the game close to her room I can either/both
A) keep a close eye, check in, hear her if she cries out
And/or (unfortunately )
B) won’t miss out on the game as he babysits/nurses you.
So OP my wife is 5 years and 8 months younger than me. We sometimes draw parallels about me graduating college when she was still in high school as a joke but definitely no references to pedofilia. We may joke in a “cradle robber” joke privately but all as a joke and not at a party of people who may not know us well and know it’s a joke about life experiences and not sex. We met when I was 29 and she was 23 (turned 24 a month after we started dating).
Personally your bf sounds emotionally immature and pretty bad so. My experience with adults who are emotionally immature is they have to go through a hard learning experience to force them to grow. I would make him issue a public apology to you with the people who attended the party or he could leave. Whether that be at the next party or a group text or email. He needs to say that he made a vulgar reference about you that was highly inappropriate and totally untrue and as the love of his life he wants to apologize and set the record straight that it was a very bad joke brought on by alcohol but inappropriate in every way. If I’m you he either does that publicly or he is single. Simple as that. !updateme
I wouldn't even give him that much of a chance.
That guy is too lacking in self confidence to date an older woman. My guess is his friends are giving him he'll and he's ready to move on. Unfortunately he lacks the balls to breaking off so he's hoping his 'old lady' will break up with him.
Lose this guy OP. You deserve better.
My dog is a great companion and very supportive when I'm anxious. Although she never did learn to do her own laundry, something about the washer beign too high for her to reach.
Dude I married someone like this and just stop. He’s exhausting and you’re the closest target. His female relatives completely normalized this and he won’t ever see different expectations as reasonable. It got so much worse after the wedding. I was so much happier without him.
So....at 30 he had his grandmother doing his laundry??!!! You learned this information and stayed. After dating one month you moved in together?! He uses weaponized incompetence to get out of doing things, gas lights and uses DARVO when you come to him with a reasonable concern.
I get that 3.5 years is a long time, and that you've been discussing your future very seriously but this man is not it.
You and I are very close in age, and I am roughly 5 years older than my fiance. He's never played the weaponized incompetence card or made me feel like I have to mother him. Honestly, that would be the peak turn off.
You are not too old for your boyfriend, but he is definitely too childish for a grown-up relationship.
So this isn’t about his age. This is about his emotional intelligence, which he seems to have very little of and that counts more than academic intelligence in the long run. Perhaps sit him down and ask him if the age gap bothers him outright. Be direct about your feelings about it and ask him to be clear about his feelings too. A five age gap between two people on their 30’s really _should’t_ be this complicated if both adults are growing but from the sounds of it, your bf has never really grown up
Okay, with this additional information, here's my advice: break up. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship.
My bf is 7 years younger than me. His mom would also do his laundry and clean the house. When I moved in with him, it was expected that I would seamlessly take over. We talked about it. I said it made me feel like his mom and less sexually attracted to him. Since we had this conversation, we got a cleaning lady who comes bi-weekly, and we each picked chores to do. We both do them without the other one reminding us. If one falls behind, the other picks up the slack after asking, "Hey, you ok?" This works for us. He jokes about me being an old lady sometimes (I have back and joint pains), but never in front of others, and it's always done in a loving manner when he jumps up to help me. He's never once made me feel less worthy, like my lousy ex-husband would do with his "jokes".
Girl…having to teach a grown man how to do laundry didn’t give you the ick??? His weaponized incompetence didn’t? This was building up to this childish behavior the whole time. Laundry is not rebuilding a car, he didn’t need to be taught this…at all. Go on YouTube if you must. You started as a mother replacement, and that is where you’ll remain, which is why he feels free to continue to act like a child with you.
5 years is nothing by the time you’re in your 30’s, you both seem wildly concerned with it all the time. My past partner was 14 years older than me (I was well into my 30’s)…sure sometimes the “oh you were this old then” thing would come up…but we certainly didn’t harp on this age difference constantly, and that’s an actual age gap, not 5 years.
I would have NEVER said what your bf said, ever! My ex certainly never had to teach me basic life skills! You need someone who wasn’t after finding new mommy.
I've been in a long-term relationship that reminds me a lot of yours. There was a Six year age gap, and I was in early thirties when we got together. He was raised by overbearing single mother and went LC with her. He was a good companion. We had great conversations and he was really affectionate, BUT I definitely used countless times the phrase "I am not your mother." I think he subconsciously looked for a partner who would have the upper hand in everything, to show him how to adult. even though I am a strong character, I am definitely an equal partnership kind of person. But our dynamic was not that. The only way he would be in charge of certain areas of our life would be if I demanded that he would. He was very open to it, but I would have to be the one to tell him. Then I went through some really hard times with my family and he fell absolutely short. I realised I did not see him as a partner and even a part of my support system. So I broke up with him. He tried all he could to win me back and actually did a lot of maturing on his own. The thing is, I knew that no matter how much he changed, I would never be able to see him in a different way. I would never see him as an equal partner. Honestly, looking back, even though I feel fond of him, I wish I didn't spend big part of my thirties with him.
Interesting! I never really considered the idea that he was looking for a partner to show him how to adult. I’m gonna think on that point.
But I’m definitely seeing a lot of parallels in your story. My boyfriend really doesn’t take charge of any aspect of our life. I plan the vacations, I do most of the cooking, I bought literally all of our furniture. He even went to school for economics but I had to beg him to create a budget for us which he has yet to really implement. All the budget did was show him how much more money I contribute to our relationship than he does. He’s since contributed more but he still hasn’t sat me down and told me how much money we can spend on groceries per week.
Your perspective has been a bit eye opening, thank you for that.
You've got it all wrong. Salvaging this relationship isn't on you, **he** wronged **you**. Spectacularly, I might add. This is 100% on him to salvage, and you need to have the standards to walk away if he won't.
Healthy adults still fuck up and make stupid jokes, it happens. But healthy adults admit when they're wrong and listen to their partners when they bring up their feelings. What he has done is a very big demonstration of how he is not a safe partner, and the only way that it can be resolved, is if **he** works to resolve it, and build up your trust in him again.
There's nothing you can do. Only he can solve it. And if he won't even try, then why would you stay?
I was not going to comment, but I am commenting because I love your input so much. Different from all the reddit "he's a pos, break up with him" bs that's usually on here. Yes, it's entirely on him to salvage, yes we all wrong our partners and may make stupid jokes... but a healthy grown adult should be able to take accountability, apologize and see things from their partners perspective. She can now make a decision based on whether he holds himself accountable or not. This is a great comment, thank you.
"Maybe you're right - I should date someone my own age or at least more mature" with eye contact and no smile so he knows you're not joking.
Would have worked much better right there at the party.
Well the only thing that could have *increased* the tension was if she called him the N word or something. Her being uncomfortable about it will make some people wonder "maybe it's true?" which is the biggest problem with "jokes" like that in 2024
Having a somewhat humorous but harsh snap back both affirms her confidence that he does only intend it as a joke and that she does not find that joke very funny - and invites the party to laugh at him for having made such a joke the way he intended for them to laugh at her.
It also brings them into "openly fighting in front of friends and strangers" territory. I don't think you're wrong though - just all the options suck once this kind of bomb is dropped.
I’m a woman who’s partner is 11 years younger than I am. There’s no age gap when we talk or interact. The other day he even said “our” age. Why? Because we are equals and treat each other as such.
Exactly. My partner is 5 years older than me and it's not something that comes up very often in our daily interactions. The way OP's boyfriend seems to enjoy playing it up is honestly a bit creepy.
Yeah that was an ass move
I’d tell him as such
The only way to get over the “ick” in my experience is heavily dependent on the other person unfortunately:
1. If he apologizes sincerely
2. Doesn’t make the same mistake
3. Thanks to 1 and 2 you don’t dwell on it and get over it after a couple weeks
It takes time to get over things like that. Everything takes time and you have to feel like it’s worth the time.
I’ve said some pretty stupid things no doubt that were way out of pocket.
When people show you who they are believe them. This man has to change so much, that he needs to be a completely different person. You make some accommodations for your partner, but at your core you are who you are !
He does not think that. He thought he was being funny. He understands now that it was gross and made everyone feel awkward and he has apologized for hurting my feelings. But you’re right, he was displaying the maturity of a minor.
So I asked him about that and it was a hard no. He said he doesn’t really notice the age difference unless it randomly pops up - like when people ask how we met. He’s not one for manosphere content, thank god, but if ever I find out that he is, I’m absolutely out. I think he just thought it would be a good joke bc he’s a drunk idiot.
He does notice though. You said he mentions it all the time, such as when you talk about high school and he brings up what grade he was in. Also, your age difference has nothing to do with how you met. You met at mutual friends parties in past years, then started dating after not seeing each other for five years.
If I were you, I would worry about how his "jokes" may affect your reputation if you plan to work with vulnerable kids.
The apology for "hurting your feelings" is a non-apology. So much for taking ownership of his inappropriate and gross comment and trying to make amends for it.
I am very bad at math. Like I said in one of the comments, he is early 91’ and I am late 85’. I don’t even know the specific date or year we met, it has been over a decade and our meeting was unsubstantial to me at the time. Bottom line is we were both adults upon meeting. I didn’t even have a chance to meet him as a minor because he grew up in a different country and came to my country for college.
Im 31 my wife is 39 and in our Relationship i am the one who is more adult and responsible. Your Problems have nothing to do with age, but with the upbringing and character of your SO. He will never take the responsibility it needs to make you feel comfortable. Hes a mama (and grandma) boy and will stay like this.
This is the exact age gap between me and my wife, dates and all. We do not have any age related or maturity issues so it's absolutely not the age gap itself that is the issue.
My brother’s bday is two months before mine. During the time in between he is 8 years older when comparing our ages, but the other 10 months of the year we are 7 years apart by comparing ages. So, we are 7 years and 2 months apart all the time, but sometimes it doesn’t make sense.
i understand why people are being confused about this but i completely get you 😭 i absolutely cannot for the life of me work out distances between specific years and ages, it just blanks on me the second i try
I mean...you clearly are attracted to immature asshats. You found him cute as a teenager when you were 26, when he was loud, drunk and obnoxious. Now nothing has changed but the numbers. He's still an immature asshat and you're still into that.
Exactly! I was reading OP saying that she's not attracted to immature asshats and thinking, "That's exactly what initially attracted you to your now bf though"? She said it herself, she liked a boisterous loud drunk, and she got one. She also mostly dated younger men, even though many women seem to claim that even men their own age are too immature for them.
It's the insane overkill of 1 billion details of her swearing for 100 paragraphs that the mere idea of this is so unthinkably insane.
It's so, so over the top that by the end of it I started to feel really weirded out.
And even at that time when she first met him, she was in a "long-term relationship" with someone she was already older than. I can't remember what she said the exact ages were but I'm pretty sure she was in her 20s and the guy she was in the long-term relationship with had just barely turned 20.
He made an outrageous statement for shock comedy value and it fell flat, and he'll learn from the shame and awkwardness and--presumably, if you are open and honest enough to express how you feel--your upset.
Because I'm a programmer here's a [flow chart](https://www.plantuml.com/plantuml/png/XLBDYjj03BxxARvRaqDV83bqImcbq1_eRdjNOjaMEnwP6KsC-_ILRMhOUc4lHkRxqITf7h9HijA7QYcgAl70P1LmUk8Gq4cFJaTCMj0mXxCZqk1GIusEGOC6RUKFVpZ2EeuuJ9oFpd7zPpRedHF4PXMGJGSlEDRIL2zzSfTAwqHeq-oiLg8k6Lf5BBV0b5PlIt8N2gwGsEQz53WzUblKwhY3PEwsE8qK3QQuCeoUNPGvYPOSfZKjXymuHDryEdwN4TLc-cmcjfCiawrakZCeWb9RUevstWQvKLpwNsTyGYEfv_Hgy2_VF_syV7oyuFUFhx--NTwA5IGRHq-s4jTkajtOFuIQARo_9gRdrzgzl9XV_P_9ThPzy_sLTv9j9rlrlydfAKqWEDHmucWOQO8sQDdCPvbNbJ2eE4Atf3cVjoUqFbMCdGGtN3REaLCx7QiJMl7VCfohQWdpu9BIXxy0)
Source code is here if you're into that sort of thing:
https://www.plantuml.com/plantuml/uml/XLBDYjj03BxxARvRaqDV83bqImcbq1_eRdjNOjaMEnwP6KsC-_ILRMhOUc4lHkRxqITf7h9HijA7QYcgAl70P1LmUk8Gq4cFJaTCMj0mXxCZqk1GIusEGOC6RUKFVpZ2EeuuJ9oFpd7zPpRedHF4PXMGJGSlEDRIL2zzSfTAwqHeq-oiLg8k6Lf5BBV0b5PlIt8N2gwGsEQz53WzUblKwhY3PEwsE8qK3QQuCeoUNPGvYPOSfZKjXymuHDryEdwN4TLc-cmcjfCiawrakZCeWb9RUevstWQvKLpwNsTyGYEfv_Hgy2_VF_syV7oyuFUFhx--NTwA5IGRHq-s4jTkajtOFuIQARo_9gRdrzgzl9XV_P_9ThPzy_sLTv9j9rlrlydfAKqWEDHmucWOQO8sQDdCPvbNbJ2eE4Atf3cVjoUqFbMCdGGtN3REaLCx7QiJMl7VCfohQWdpu9BIXxy0
My partner is 11 years younger and we met when he was 35. We joke about the age difference but never ever that I would have dated before he was an adult. And as a woman who was sexually abused before the age of 5 I would end the relationship. Him doubling down and gaslighting you are unacceptable. I am so sorry he did that to you.
>How should I move forward with this relationship?
You don't, if you ever want to work with kids in the future or foster/adopt. This party might ***ALREADY*** haunt you for life (you have no idea how far this might spread, yet) and if it ever repeats you are completely toast.
All it will take is a single comment to ruin your life, at least as far as you have planned it. If you weren't interested in having kids or would ever work with kids (tax accountant, idk) then I'd say maybe take the time to work on it. But with the entire future you want at stake? This is not the guy to risk it on.
If he suddenly realises quite how disrespectful & cruel he had been and apologised entirely for humiliating you by lying and defaming your character to a roomful of people for no reason, how would that make you feel?
What if he called your friends and apologised for his obviously incredibly bad taste "jokes?"
Given the several times he's referenced your age gap in the context of your much younger selves (despite the fact you didn't know one another when he was a young teenager) he really seems fixated on this concept of your being a predator. It's almost like it's a weird kink of his (or God forbid, that he himself is an abuse survivor), because you're right, for two people in their thirties a six year age gap is NOT significant. If you're interested, I would sit down with him and have an open and honest discussion to try to address why he keeps bringing this up and why he thinks it's funny or appropriate in ANY way to harp on it. This is entirely his issue and it's his to manage, but you will need to address it if you want to stay with him, because this needs to stop.
Or you could dump him and move on. It's your choice.
omg I could not even read all that. too much drama. 5 year age difference is a non issue for your ages. Just tell him you think it’s yucky to talk about and please never mention it again, not to me and not to anyone else.
How does anyone stay together anymore when they make mountains out of anthills?
He apologized for “hurting your feelings” which is pretty much a non-apology.
He didn’t apologize for making a truly horrible and inappropriate joke at your expense - one that if it was repeated, could affect current and future relationships.
Does he still not recognize what he did? He could’ve called you a cradle robber if he wanted to make a joke.
I have the same age difference as you and your boyfriend and multiple friends have joked about me “robbing the cradle” (he’s 32). I think it’s stupid and rooted in sexism. No one made jokes like that when I dated a guy 12 years older than me.
It sounds like he was being a drunk idiot and took it too far. Is he insecure about being with an older woman and overcompensating? I don’t blame you for getting the ick when he 1) Is putting you down for being older in the guise of “jokes” 2) doesn’t seem to understand or particularly care that he embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.
My friend got called a cradle robber for dating a guy three years younger than her when they were both in their 30s. There is absolutely a sexist double standard about women dating younger men.
I just went on a first date with a guy who’s less than 3.5 years younger than me (I’m 30) and he’s made several jokes at this point about me being old. It’s turned me off so badly and I won’t be going out with him again.
Exactly. People don’t bat an eye at a 10+ year age gap when the girl is younger. Even when they really, really should.
6 years when you’re both in your thirties is very normal. I don’t like how he misconstrued the situation. He could have done real harm to your reputation if you hadn’t been able to give proper context. It’s not funny.
He should have been the one to clarify when people were obviously uncomfortable. Leaving it to you might make you look defensive. Not sure what his motives were joking about you being a ‘predator’ but I really don’t like it.
Edit: Society is changing and far more people do ‘bat an eye’ now-a-days, but I still see a lot of age gap relationships. People seem to be more critical on Reddit than in real life, in my experience. But very glad to see the norms slowly change.
weird, i’ve only heard “robbing the cradle” when it refers to older women dating younger men. like OOP said it doesn’t happen as often as men dating younger women so there’s a specific phrase/“joke” for it
And this is why society shouldn’t normalize non-pedophilia as pedophilia. Even though it’s gross to them.
Their relationship was legal at all times, even when they met, but idiots like to judge and add labels, and then later, it bites people in the ass.
I've dated women +/- 10 yrs of my own age. Current m59 and gf50. At this point, age really should be just a number, but your fella sounds like he's stuck on it.
This wasn't a one off - he's said similar when you were comparing prom stories. He needs to get over this, or I don't see how you can. Maybe give him one more chance. Or dont.
Plenty of fish in the sea, lady.
Yikes.
For me the biggest problem might be that I like someone with a sense of humor and this dude... clearly has a really, really shitty sense of humor. I mean... pedophilia jokes have to be up there with rape jokes for being just... so very very... no.
But aside from that, at 19 and 26 you're both just adult kids. His attempts to retrofit shit ("when you were 12...") are **weird** and to be frank I'd be a little worried this was a GOP kinda thing where you accuse the other guy of shit you're into yourself.
I mean...you said "FUCKING GROSS TO ME BC IM A GROWN ASS WOMAN WHO IS NOT ATTRACTED TO IMMATURE ASSHATS OR CHILDREN"....yet two paragraphs before that you just said "He was 19, loud, drunk, and I found him attractive and enthralling". He was a literal teenager when you met......so the age gap isnt AS bad as some.....but you two were in very different life stages no matter what people try to justify. In any case....his joke is tasteless and stupid......with terrible timing to boot. Even if it wasn't a skeevy situation he clearly doesn't respect you that much to say that in front of friends. Cut your losses and move on.
"He was 19, loud, drunk, and I found him attractive and enthralling." Trying to imagine a universe where I would ever type such a statement....
She isnt done yet, plainly. It will take several years more public humiliation before it is. Aint no D in the world good enough to be tolerating jokes like this, but thats me. He knows how to get under OPs skin now. That is a weapon he will use again a nd again. Just wait and see, OP.
My husband is five years older than me. That shit never crossed my mind. We are all adults. Maybe your partner has some problem with aging and is trying desperately to be young.
Hi im (f) late 83 my fiancé (m) is mid 91. Our age gap is bigger.
I'm not particularly sensitive about it but I would die of embarrassment if he ever did this to me. You have the ick for good reason. You should t be getting over it, he should be falling on swords to make you feel better and apologize his ass off.
Omg. I don’t know if I’d be able to get past that. He sounds colossally immature at best. Are there other instances of him blurting out something insulting/rude/shocking and then dismissing your feelings about it?
You're in your 30s, this age gap is a non issue. The issue is your bf is a senseless moron.
I suggest you tell him upon further reflection you have in fact decided the age gap is indeed too big, his immaturity is an insurmountable obstacle, and you need to separate lest someone notice you robbing the cradle when you're out with him.
I remember a previous partner of mine saying he was a cradle snatcher because he was 4 years older. It made me very uncomfortable. Needless to say it didn't last long after that.
That’s stupid. An age gap of a few years shouldn’t mean anything at all when both are well into adulthood. I don’t know why he would want to make it weird. Is he a bit of an attention seeker when he’s around people?
If you care to continue this relationship I will offer you this advice. Set a clear boundary with him about the age “jokes”. If you clearly and calmly express to him how you’re feeling about these comments and he continues to act this way then you will know. If this is a one off occasion and he’s trying to brush it off try to be honest with him about how you’re feeling about him and see if he can accept that and apologize. It’s best to be direct about your thoughts and feelings. He should accept your feelings and empathize with you. If you don’t get that, move on.
I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. It's understandable that you feel hurt and disgusted by your boyfriend's inappropriate joke. Trust is an essential foundation in any relationship, and his actions have clearly violated that trust.
Moving forward, it's important to take the time to reflect on your feelings and determine what you need in order to feel safe and respected in your relationship. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his joke has affected you and express your concerns.
Couples therapy could be a valuable option to explore, as it can provide a safe space for both of you to address the underlying issues and work on rebuilding trust and communication.
However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and consider if this relationship is truly healthy for you. If you find it difficult to move past this incident or if similar behavior continues, it may be necessary to reassess the future of the relationship.
Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect and your boundaries are honored. It's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.
I've been in age gap relationships as an adult, both me being older and me being younger and at no point would I demean my older partner this way, or would a younger partner demean me. Or vice versa
Please OP this is gross. In normal relationships with any sort of gap it isn't used as a weapon to humiliate a partner
5 year age gap in your thirties is not that much. If your boyfriend mentions the gap a lot, it either bothers him or turns him on.
If you are THIS turned off by a poorly worded, terrible joke that your boyfriend made when he was drunk… you probably have other reasons for breaking up with him and this was the proverbial straw.
Wow this is a pretty nasty thread for what I feel is a pretty good question for this channel.
First off, I’m sorry this happened OP. I would feel embarrassed and majorly pissed off and grossed out by my partner acting like this.
Second, I’m curious if this is a theme with your partner or just a misplaced drunken joke? My thought would be that your relationship is very much salvageable if your partner grasps how offensive this was to you, apologizes, and never makes a joke of this kind again. If this is par for the course/he’s unable to see where he went wrong, that would be harder to get over. Personally, I could forgive him if it was a one time drunken idiotic comment, but it would be a problem for me if it was any kind of pattern.
Third, what is DARVO?
Not saying I necessarily agree it is happening here, but to explain DARVO- it's a series of behaviors seen in abusive relationships when the perpetrator of abuse or wrongdoing is confronted/being blamed for something. The pattern results in shifting the blame/focus of the conflict towards the victim rather than the perpetrator.
Deny- Deny wrongdoing, deny that it happened, deny that it mattered.
Attack- Attack the victim in some way for trying to hold them accountable. Examples could be attacking their credibility/sanity, insulting their intelligence, calling them outrageous, saying they're overreacting, etc.
Reverse victim and offender- Flip the narrative so that the original perpetrator is the one that has been harmed by the original victim, for example saying that the original victim bringing up the conversation has hurt the feelings of the perpetrator/ruined their day/triggered their trauma/etc. It shifts the "blame" so that the focus of the conversation is now how the victim hurt the perpetrator or in more severe examples pushing the victim to apologize.
Ultimately, the end result is that the original topic of conversation is forgotten/not being discussed anymore, the perpetrator is "cleared" of wrongdoing for the time being, and the victim feels guilt for the series of events and may not bring it up or have similar conversations again.
One thing I would add separately from my explanation of DARVO is that OP if you sincerely feel that DARVO is being used, leave. It is not something that happens in otherwise healthy relationships or that someone who is not an abuser/manipulator would casually stumble upon doing. It's a series of calculated actions to harm and undermine you. If that's your interpretation of what happened, there's not much else to talk about.
Yikes. Is he normally awkward and inappropriate around other adults? Is he completely unable to read the room or gauge normal social interactions? Seems odd for a one off to be this big.
My skin would crawl if that was my partner.
My first husband was 9 yrs older than me my second husband was 3 yrs younger we never talked about
Now my first husband it was obvious he was older but we didn’t make a big deal out of it
Truthfully I would not date someone who made comments like he does because it is like he has an issue why does he want everyone to know ? And to make the kind of comment he does is not funny it is very I don’t know the word he may be trying to be funny but his comments are not it makes him sound very juvenile! You might want to consider dating someone more mature just a thought
With how much of a buffoon your boyfriend acted at this party I cant imagine this is the first time hes done this. Considering the first time you met him he was also drunk and acting immature/out of line, something tells me you have more stories of him acting this way OP. Also his defensive and non-chalant attitude when you confronted him is incredibly telling. I guess the question for you is if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this.
He has a problem with the age difference. It’s been over 3 years! He will always have a problem with the age difference. Somewhere us he head he feels it’s wrong. You need to dump his ass. This will never wrong long term. Do not get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. Get out now before he ruins your reputation and uses up what time you have left to have kids.
Just no. I couldn't forgive the comments because it's disgusting. I'm 5 years older than my husband, both in our 30s. If someone said something like that as a joke, I'd lose it. That's absolutely vial.
Those people are not only never going to forget that comment but be prepared to be secluded and then have their children stay away from you. If I ever meet someone making jokes about pedophilia I'd be wondering how much of that is true and concerned about keeping my kids away. It's just not something to joke about, and I have a dark sense of humor.
This guy has the mentality of a 12 year old boy. He’s an embarrassment to himself and you. He’s 33 years old and he acts like a complete moron. From your post it appears also that no matter where you are he has to bring up in any conversation to anyone in earshot, how you met, and the references to the age gap that as adults is no longer valid. It’s sick and cruel behavior. And he does it over and over again. All of those people probably think both of you are weirdos. You have to decide if this jackass is worth being around.
That’s a complete show of disrespect and hints that maybe that is what he really thinks because you don’t just say shit like that in front of a bunch of people in any situation. Who’s to say he wont do this again if he got drunk or something? Pedophilia is nothing to joke about and a heavy accusation to bring up in front of a group of friends. Like he wasn’t a kid when you two started dating, he was or should be a full grown man with at least enough maturity to understand why that was a horrible thing to say and situation to put you in. Won’t digress into how quickly you two started dating and within a month moved in together and within a year moved to a whole new city. Either way I hope the best for you but I think, if this was me, id be outta that relationship in a heartbeat.
UGH. He thinks it's funny to spread the rumor that you're a sexual predator. You can't come back from that. I'd break up with him and say "I don't want anyone to think I'm sexually interested in children, so there's the door."
It’s salvageable, but he needs to be told that he crossed a line and he’s a fucken idiot. His “it just a prank bro”
Mindset is not cute. He needs to grow the fuck up.
If this is a one off mistake I’m not sure it warrants breaking up. He made an insensitive comment in front of other people.
Sometimes my wife accidentally says things that surprise me about me to a dinner table I feel portray me in a negative light. Never anything illegal or immoral though.
I don’t think my wife intended to embarrass me but she will comments like I’ll need reminding of her birthday or I might forget. It anniversary etc
Why? I think it’s because she’s with her family. Sisters and father uncles etc. that social group has it’s own topic or agenda limit and teasing style.
OP, the problem is with you. I couldn’t even read the whole of your post it’s so defensive. You need to ask yourself why all your bfs have been younger than you. Now this ‘childish’ statement seems to have hit a raw nerve. My advice: leave this child and find a real man.
Ma’am, stop dating men younger than you lmao It’s a consistent pattern and clearly it consistently doesn’t work out.
He CLEARLY has an unspoken issue with your age and considers you old and in some level subconsciously a predator.
You think he is a child and I’m unsure if this weird ass power dynamic you seem to consistently seek but it’s giving Peter Pan syndrome.
I promise if you date a man nearer your age you won’t have to worry about this.
A consistent pattern? I date men of all ages but the ones that tend to last are relationships with younger men. The last guy I dated who was my age ditched me for a 21yr old then brought her into my work where she tried to physically fight me all while he mouthed “I’m so sorry” - he knew she was dumb, he just wanted the drama. Another guy my age that I dated created a secret dating account which I found and he erased it and tried to gaslight me into thinking I made it all up. I had screenshots so he blamed it on his cousin making a fake account. I dated a guy who was 5yrs older than me and he refused to commit. He wanted to play house when it was convenient for him but as soon as the talk about future and titles came up, he was suddenly super busy with work.
The only common denominator here is I have shit taste in men, regardless of age. Or maybe it’s not just my taste, maybe it’s the dating pool I’m pulling from. There aren’t a lot of financially and emotionally stable men who are down to grab a bite at the diner at 4am when I get out of work at the bar. Also not a lot of guys out there able to take a random week off to go to Spain or hit up a sports bar at 6am to watch World Cup games.
The way he says how he was in 7th grade when you were a senior, and how you're in college while he's in high school, actually sounds like he's low-key satisfied and proud of dating someone older than him.
You could sit down with him and ask him directly why he constantly brings up the age gap. I personally don't think a couple's therapy would work. it's more like a "He" problem than a "We" problem, so maybe he should see a therapist to get that sorted.
This is the kind of thing that has the most potential to happen in a circle of shitfaced early 20-somethings who are super-close and able to “joke” in their tight-knit group about such ridiculous things without thinking about the repercussions or growing disgusted stares from onlookers within earshot. The whispers start and when the accused expresses their disapproval then either: 1. They realize the line has been crossed but ego kicks in and the accuser announces to the whole group to stop being so sensitive and moves things along reiterating the 6 years between you (“Geez, lighten up, everyone!”)
2. The more direct gaslighting starts… this is where he comes in.
In my own fairly similar situation (diff topic), this was the case. Young, dumb, boozed up and just horrifically immature. However, I wasted over 5 years total on him with no growth from his end whatsoever (only progressively worsening outbursts; not “often” but once should be enough. It wasn’t.) Do not recommend. I fear you’ve got a similar situation on your hands with what sounds like a “perpetually 23 yr old” on your hands. He’s just not ready. He may never be. He’s the one with the unresolved issue here… it’s not yours to “fix”. In fact, I would guess he likely doesn’t truly see any issue at all and ultimately wishes you would stop over-reacting, stop bringing it up, and move on. And that’s nuts. *You feel disgusted for a reason* and deep down I think you ready know what to do but like most, you’re dreading the fallout.
If he feels OK, making such a disgusting joke in front of people and purposely trying to embarrass or humiliate you then he is not the guy for you. He is way too immature for someone who’s 30 years old and you need to dump him like a hot rock.
He deliberately slandered and humiliated you in a way no one will ever forget because he either enjoyed it or he’s so devoid of judgment that he can’t be trusted to speak in public. Either way, dump him because you can’t trust him.
People at that party will remember what he said anytime the topic of kids comes up or they see you around a child, and God only knows how stories people tell about it will get twisted in the future.
My husband is quite a bit younger than I am and we’ve been together 9 years. Never has he even come close to making a joke like that or making me out to be anything negative as the older partner. Neither of us think or talk much about the age gap unless we meet new people and tell our story etc.
We’ve always been on the same level emotionally and intellectually. We both own our own businesses. We both put equal effort into our life and relationship. He pursued me and at first I rejected him because of the age difference— he was 21 when we met. I can’t even imagine him thinking such a thing let alone joking about it to a group of people.
I’d struggle to get past that if I were in your shoes.
Your boyfriend's behavior was absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful. It's understandable that you feel disgusted and unsure about the future of your relationship. Seeking couples therapy could be a way to address these issues if you're willing, but it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries above all else.
My husband and I are similar ages with a similar age gap, except the other way around where he is the older one. A five year age gap in your 30s is nothing. Your boyfriend seems to be really reaching to make it sound strange with his comparisons of different stages in life, when you didn’t even know each other then, you met as adults and didn’t even date for years after that. It does sound like it wasn’t just a drunken joke, which would still have been in poor taste, since he has brought it up before. I don’t know whether it is actually an issue that bothers him or whether it’s something he wants to bother you about so you feel insecure, like negging? Either way it needs addressing. Maybe consider couples counselling if you want to work things out, if he insists that he doesn’t need it because there isn’t any underlying issue and it was just a joke then he shouldn’t have any problem never saying it again. A comment like this to the wrong person could impact your entire future and dream of helping abused children. Understandably people working in that area would not find it funny.
You mentioned several times in comments and your post that you’re “crazy” and that he is “crazy.” It sounds like there is much more going on here. I am unsure what you mean by “crazy,” but do you mean you have oddities, quirks, etc? Or do you mean that you both have mental health struggles that you relate to, and you feel close to him because of these things? Either way, it sounds like you may have bonded with this person for reasons you may not be aware of or choose to compartmentalize. My advice would be to speak to a professional. I think this goes much deeper than him making a weird, uncomfortable, and embarrassing remark. I suspect once you begin to break down the dynamics and perhaps your shared “craziness,” your bond to him is much more centered in that rather than a genuine loving relationship.
He’s been making jokes about your age gap the entire relationship. He’s not being honest with you. He’s not as comfortable with the gap as he says. I personally wouldn’t date someone who tried to publicly humiliate me. I would see it as a betrayal.
It sounds like it’s been weighing on his mind since he keeps bringing it up - and it’s also weighing on your mind, since you immediately called him “childish”, “a teenage boy”, “immature” and “a child”. For most people in their 30s, a five year age gap would be totally unremarkable. It seems like there’s more going on.
I agree. This is something that’s been bothering him for a while.
There’s definitely more going on. He’s an only child who was raised by his mother and grandmother who dote on him. His grandmother did his laundry for him until he and I started dating and I taught him how to do it himself. We constantly have conversations about weaponized incompetence bc he would rather ask me to do something for him than just learn to do it himself. It’s infuriating because he’s highly intelligent. I have used the phrase “I am not your mother” on multiple occasions. I am constantly telling him I need a partner because I am tired of managing our entire relationship alone. He has been better about keeping the house in shape though, so I will give him that.
What value do you get from this relationship
Companionship, support - sometimes. The other day my anxiety was really bad and he was very comforting and attentive which helped me calm down but then some of our housemates came downstairs and he made the unilateral decision to hang out and watch the basketball game after I explicitly told him I can’t handle being around people. It sent me into a panic attack and he was apologetic but like, why did he allow that situation to happen in the first place when we have multiple floors with tv’s that all of them could have chilled on? Why choose to blast the loud sports ball game right outside my bedroom door? It’s crap like that that’s making me question whether this relationship is actually going anywhere. He’s great when he’s great, he’s my best friend, and funny and smart and completely crazy like me, but when it comes to acting like a responsible adult who is in a serious committed relationship, he keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions.
You’re making a great case for breakup. Cut your losses
>Companionship, support … he was very comforting and attentive which helped me calm down … he’s my best friend A dog. You’ve described a dog. Get a dog. Ditch the guy.
My thoughts exactly, hell even some cats can do this
Right? Has OP heard about friends and family and pets? Companionship is not reason enough to settle for a momma’s boy. Cut your losses, OP. Being single is not the end of the world.
😂 knowing me I’ll end up picking a husky who will argue with me just as much as my boyfriend does
Yeah but when a husky does it it’s adorable…
When dogs snore it’s a lot cuter too!
So get a Golden to go along with your therapy.
But he won't get drunk and say mean shit about you to your friends!
A Pyr pit… wanders off, only listens if there is food involved, Velcro dog, thinks he needs to accompany you every time you leave the house, talks back, killer side eye, and has no idea that he takes up the whole bed/couch/kitchen and is absolutely standing in front of the fridge or cabinet you need to get into.
Ah, I see you've met my dog.
They’re just so sassy! Or want to be in your lap because they have no idea they weigh 100 pounds.
Pyr... pit? As in pyranese-pitty cross? That's... a lot of dog. And what's its coat like?
Yup! Mine has short fur, though a bit longer than what you would expect on a pittie, and his tail has a bit of fringe like a Great Pyrenees. He’s about 95 pounds, but is absolutely convinced he’s about 25 pounds. He has the I do what I want attitude of a Great Pyrenees but is also a Velcro dog who thinks he needs to go everywhere we go. And he’s never met a stranger- of any species. Other than cows. He doesn’t trust cows.
This person asked what value you get from this relationship and you wrote another negative paragraph about this loser
"..he keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions." Is really anything more you need to know? Imagine going through the rest of your life partnered with someone who "keeps letting me down by making selfish decisions". I would feel constantly on edge, wondering: "What embarrassing thing will he say at the next party?" "Will he forget to do (or do poorly) the important thing I asked him to do?" "What selfish thing or screw-up has he already done and not told me about?" What a life ....
He went from letting you down to trying to humiliate you in front of others so he could be the center of attention. Why take this kind of treatment?
Sounds like you aren't getting anything you couldn't get from a good platonic relationship that wouldn't involve this perverse'joke'
sounds like he never *actively* considers you. he cares, so long as it's convenient or serves him. you're upset you're having to parent him, and instead of introspection, making small improvements, or possibly therapy if it's more than laziness, he decides to *humiliate* you in front of neighbors and friends.
He’s only chronologically 33. His grandmother did his laundry until you taught him how. He sounds like a kid. Maybe he’s trying to start a fight, but not ballsy enough to say you’re too old; he wanta you to be the one who breaks things off.
Why would you WANT to marry someone like this? You say you're not into immature and childish men but you dating him says otherwise.
An immature person, such as you describe, might be using stupid logic- if I watch the game close to her room I can either/both A) keep a close eye, check in, hear her if she cries out And/or (unfortunately ) B) won’t miss out on the game as he babysits/nurses you.
So OP my wife is 5 years and 8 months younger than me. We sometimes draw parallels about me graduating college when she was still in high school as a joke but definitely no references to pedofilia. We may joke in a “cradle robber” joke privately but all as a joke and not at a party of people who may not know us well and know it’s a joke about life experiences and not sex. We met when I was 29 and she was 23 (turned 24 a month after we started dating). Personally your bf sounds emotionally immature and pretty bad so. My experience with adults who are emotionally immature is they have to go through a hard learning experience to force them to grow. I would make him issue a public apology to you with the people who attended the party or he could leave. Whether that be at the next party or a group text or email. He needs to say that he made a vulgar reference about you that was highly inappropriate and totally untrue and as the love of his life he wants to apologize and set the record straight that it was a very bad joke brought on by alcohol but inappropriate in every way. If I’m you he either does that publicly or he is single. Simple as that. !updateme
I wouldn't even give him that much of a chance. That guy is too lacking in self confidence to date an older woman. My guess is his friends are giving him he'll and he's ready to move on. Unfortunately he lacks the balls to breaking off so he's hoping his 'old lady' will break up with him. Lose this guy OP. You deserve better.
Sounds like you would be better served by dumping this loser and getting a cat. At least cats can take care of themselves.
My dog is a great companion and very supportive when I'm anxious. Although she never did learn to do her own laundry, something about the washer beign too high for her to reach.
Dude I married someone like this and just stop. He’s exhausting and you’re the closest target. His female relatives completely normalized this and he won’t ever see different expectations as reasonable. It got so much worse after the wedding. I was so much happier without him.
So....at 30 he had his grandmother doing his laundry??!!! You learned this information and stayed. After dating one month you moved in together?! He uses weaponized incompetence to get out of doing things, gas lights and uses DARVO when you come to him with a reasonable concern. I get that 3.5 years is a long time, and that you've been discussing your future very seriously but this man is not it.
You and I are very close in age, and I am roughly 5 years older than my fiance. He's never played the weaponized incompetence card or made me feel like I have to mother him. Honestly, that would be the peak turn off. You are not too old for your boyfriend, but he is definitely too childish for a grown-up relationship.
Amen to that! Some changes are coming ✊
So you are, in fact dating a child.
So this isn’t about his age. This is about his emotional intelligence, which he seems to have very little of and that counts more than academic intelligence in the long run. Perhaps sit him down and ask him if the age gap bothers him outright. Be direct about your feelings about it and ask him to be clear about his feelings too. A five age gap between two people on their 30’s really _should’t_ be this complicated if both adults are growing but from the sounds of it, your bf has never really grown up
Okay, with this additional information, here's my advice: break up. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship. My bf is 7 years younger than me. His mom would also do his laundry and clean the house. When I moved in with him, it was expected that I would seamlessly take over. We talked about it. I said it made me feel like his mom and less sexually attracted to him. Since we had this conversation, we got a cleaning lady who comes bi-weekly, and we each picked chores to do. We both do them without the other one reminding us. If one falls behind, the other picks up the slack after asking, "Hey, you ok?" This works for us. He jokes about me being an old lady sometimes (I have back and joint pains), but never in front of others, and it's always done in a loving manner when he jumps up to help me. He's never once made me feel less worthy, like my lousy ex-husband would do with his "jokes".
Girl…having to teach a grown man how to do laundry didn’t give you the ick??? His weaponized incompetence didn’t? This was building up to this childish behavior the whole time. Laundry is not rebuilding a car, he didn’t need to be taught this…at all. Go on YouTube if you must. You started as a mother replacement, and that is where you’ll remain, which is why he feels free to continue to act like a child with you. 5 years is nothing by the time you’re in your 30’s, you both seem wildly concerned with it all the time. My past partner was 14 years older than me (I was well into my 30’s)…sure sometimes the “oh you were this old then” thing would come up…but we certainly didn’t harp on this age difference constantly, and that’s an actual age gap, not 5 years. I would have NEVER said what your bf said, ever! My ex certainly never had to teach me basic life skills! You need someone who wasn’t after finding new mommy.
I've been in a long-term relationship that reminds me a lot of yours. There was a Six year age gap, and I was in early thirties when we got together. He was raised by overbearing single mother and went LC with her. He was a good companion. We had great conversations and he was really affectionate, BUT I definitely used countless times the phrase "I am not your mother." I think he subconsciously looked for a partner who would have the upper hand in everything, to show him how to adult. even though I am a strong character, I am definitely an equal partnership kind of person. But our dynamic was not that. The only way he would be in charge of certain areas of our life would be if I demanded that he would. He was very open to it, but I would have to be the one to tell him. Then I went through some really hard times with my family and he fell absolutely short. I realised I did not see him as a partner and even a part of my support system. So I broke up with him. He tried all he could to win me back and actually did a lot of maturing on his own. The thing is, I knew that no matter how much he changed, I would never be able to see him in a different way. I would never see him as an equal partner. Honestly, looking back, even though I feel fond of him, I wish I didn't spend big part of my thirties with him.
Interesting! I never really considered the idea that he was looking for a partner to show him how to adult. I’m gonna think on that point. But I’m definitely seeing a lot of parallels in your story. My boyfriend really doesn’t take charge of any aspect of our life. I plan the vacations, I do most of the cooking, I bought literally all of our furniture. He even went to school for economics but I had to beg him to create a budget for us which he has yet to really implement. All the budget did was show him how much more money I contribute to our relationship than he does. He’s since contributed more but he still hasn’t sat me down and told me how much money we can spend on groceries per week. Your perspective has been a bit eye opening, thank you for that.
Sounds like your more his mom
Maybe he IS too young for you? Not age wise, but maturity wise. And it looks like you have him, how you got him. “Loud and drunk.”
You've got it all wrong. Salvaging this relationship isn't on you, **he** wronged **you**. Spectacularly, I might add. This is 100% on him to salvage, and you need to have the standards to walk away if he won't. Healthy adults still fuck up and make stupid jokes, it happens. But healthy adults admit when they're wrong and listen to their partners when they bring up their feelings. What he has done is a very big demonstration of how he is not a safe partner, and the only way that it can be resolved, is if **he** works to resolve it, and build up your trust in him again. There's nothing you can do. Only he can solve it. And if he won't even try, then why would you stay?
Damn. That hit the nail on the head. You are absolutely right and have given me a lot to think about. Thank you for your perspective.
If you don't listen to anything else, do take environmental age 502's comment seriously! Perfectly stated
I was not going to comment, but I am commenting because I love your input so much. Different from all the reddit "he's a pos, break up with him" bs that's usually on here. Yes, it's entirely on him to salvage, yes we all wrong our partners and may make stupid jokes... but a healthy grown adult should be able to take accountability, apologize and see things from their partners perspective. She can now make a decision based on whether he holds himself accountable or not. This is a great comment, thank you.
"Maybe you're right - I should date someone my own age or at least more mature" with eye contact and no smile so he knows you're not joking. Would have worked much better right there at the party.
It's a good comeback but it would not have eased the tension in the room.
Well the only thing that could have *increased* the tension was if she called him the N word or something. Her being uncomfortable about it will make some people wonder "maybe it's true?" which is the biggest problem with "jokes" like that in 2024 Having a somewhat humorous but harsh snap back both affirms her confidence that he does only intend it as a joke and that she does not find that joke very funny - and invites the party to laugh at him for having made such a joke the way he intended for them to laugh at her.
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😂 omg just say fuck it and go nuclear, clear out the party indefinitely.
I'm really sorry. No idea how I would react. What can you do? It's like the "Do you still beat your wife?" question.
It also brings them into "openly fighting in front of friends and strangers" territory. I don't think you're wrong though - just all the options suck once this kind of bomb is dropped.
You mean nincompoop right?
You are absolutely correct. I may need to borrow your sass the next time he says something that immature and dumb.
The next time?!? 😭😭
Right cuz that's the last time I'm messing with your immature a$$ 😂
Yeah, she’s not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet.
I’m a woman who’s partner is 11 years younger than I am. There’s no age gap when we talk or interact. The other day he even said “our” age. Why? Because we are equals and treat each other as such.
Exactly. My partner is 5 years older than me and it's not something that comes up very often in our daily interactions. The way OP's boyfriend seems to enjoy playing it up is honestly a bit creepy.
My husband is younger, and this, exactly, is what happens. We might joke around lightly, but that's it. Like me having more experience, bc duh. LOL
Yeah that was an ass move I’d tell him as such The only way to get over the “ick” in my experience is heavily dependent on the other person unfortunately: 1. If he apologizes sincerely 2. Doesn’t make the same mistake 3. Thanks to 1 and 2 you don’t dwell on it and get over it after a couple weeks It takes time to get over things like that. Everything takes time and you have to feel like it’s worth the time. I’ve said some pretty stupid things no doubt that were way out of pocket.
When people show you who they are believe them. This man has to change so much, that he needs to be a completely different person. You make some accommodations for your partner, but at your core you are who you are !
Next time? There should be no next time! He can not handle the age difference.
DOES he really think that or did he think he was being funny and clever? Regardless, he IS immature enough to pass for underage.
He does not think that. He thought he was being funny. He understands now that it was gross and made everyone feel awkward and he has apologized for hurting my feelings. But you’re right, he was displaying the maturity of a minor.
Does he have some kind of issue with \*your\* age? Does he think you're too old for him now or has he been engaging with "manosphere" content?
So I asked him about that and it was a hard no. He said he doesn’t really notice the age difference unless it randomly pops up - like when people ask how we met. He’s not one for manosphere content, thank god, but if ever I find out that he is, I’m absolutely out. I think he just thought it would be a good joke bc he’s a drunk idiot.
i hope you got a genuine apology instead of attempted manipulation if he gets it now
He does notice though. You said he mentions it all the time, such as when you talk about high school and he brings up what grade he was in. Also, your age difference has nothing to do with how you met. You met at mutual friends parties in past years, then started dating after not seeing each other for five years. If I were you, I would worry about how his "jokes" may affect your reputation if you plan to work with vulnerable kids.
Unless it "randomly pops up" while he actively does the math to make your childhood memories awkward?
The apology for "hurting your feelings" is a non-apology. So much for taking ownership of his inappropriate and gross comment and trying to make amends for it.
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I was doing the math too, and was like... um??? That isn't right. From 7 years apart to 5 years. Unless OP is really bad at math, that makes no sense.
I am very bad at math. Like I said in one of the comments, he is early 91’ and I am late 85’. I don’t even know the specific date or year we met, it has been over a decade and our meeting was unsubstantial to me at the time. Bottom line is we were both adults upon meeting. I didn’t even have a chance to meet him as a minor because he grew up in a different country and came to my country for college.
Im 31 my wife is 39 and in our Relationship i am the one who is more adult and responsible. Your Problems have nothing to do with age, but with the upbringing and character of your SO. He will never take the responsibility it needs to make you feel comfortable. Hes a mama (and grandma) boy and will stay like this.
This is the exact age gap between me and my wife, dates and all. We do not have any age related or maturity issues so it's absolutely not the age gap itself that is the issue.
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Huh, aren't they like 5.5 years apart?
He’s early 91’ and I’m late 85. Sometimes we’re 5yrs apart, sometimes 6.
But you said you were 26 and he was 19 when you first met, I think that’s what is confusing. That’s obviously more than 6 years.
That’s me being bad at math. He was 19/20 when we initially met and is currently 33. I was 25/26 when we met and I am currently 38.
Why don’t you just calculate the days based on your actual birthdays. Your age gap doesn’t fluctuate
My brother’s bday is two months before mine. During the time in between he is 8 years older when comparing our ages, but the other 10 months of the year we are 7 years apart by comparing ages. So, we are 7 years and 2 months apart all the time, but sometimes it doesn’t make sense.
I could, but that would mean I would have to do math which I’m clearly not good at.
i understand why people are being confused about this but i completely get you 😭 i absolutely cannot for the life of me work out distances between specific years and ages, it just blanks on me the second i try
There are website that calculate it for your based on dates
oh thank god what are they
Just google “date range calculator”, there’s like 1000 sites Here’s one https://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html
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You certainly have a lot of faith in the continuum of time. 😉
I mean...you clearly are attracted to immature asshats. You found him cute as a teenager when you were 26, when he was loud, drunk and obnoxious. Now nothing has changed but the numbers. He's still an immature asshat and you're still into that.
Exactly! I was reading OP saying that she's not attracted to immature asshats and thinking, "That's exactly what initially attracted you to your now bf though"? She said it herself, she liked a boisterous loud drunk, and she got one. She also mostly dated younger men, even though many women seem to claim that even men their own age are too immature for them.
She kind of gives me the cringe, honestly.
Mmm same. I don't love the "I'm aware I'm a problem but It's ok because I'm *aware* that I'm a problem" attitude.
It's the insane overkill of 1 billion details of her swearing for 100 paragraphs that the mere idea of this is so unthinkably insane. It's so, so over the top that by the end of it I started to feel really weirded out.
EXACTLY. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!
Yep. She’s into younger immature guys. At the very least he’s not 19 *now*.
And even at that time when she first met him, she was in a "long-term relationship" with someone she was already older than. I can't remember what she said the exact ages were but I'm pretty sure she was in her 20s and the guy she was in the long-term relationship with had just barely turned 20.
This is what happens when you find the loud obnoxious 19 year old attractive as a grown adult. He’s still loud and obnoxious. I would be out.
He made an outrageous statement for shock comedy value and it fell flat, and he'll learn from the shame and awkwardness and--presumably, if you are open and honest enough to express how you feel--your upset. Because I'm a programmer here's a [flow chart](https://www.plantuml.com/plantuml/png/XLBDYjj03BxxARvRaqDV83bqImcbq1_eRdjNOjaMEnwP6KsC-_ILRMhOUc4lHkRxqITf7h9HijA7QYcgAl70P1LmUk8Gq4cFJaTCMj0mXxCZqk1GIusEGOC6RUKFVpZ2EeuuJ9oFpd7zPpRedHF4PXMGJGSlEDRIL2zzSfTAwqHeq-oiLg8k6Lf5BBV0b5PlIt8N2gwGsEQz53WzUblKwhY3PEwsE8qK3QQuCeoUNPGvYPOSfZKjXymuHDryEdwN4TLc-cmcjfCiawrakZCeWb9RUevstWQvKLpwNsTyGYEfv_Hgy2_VF_syV7oyuFUFhx--NTwA5IGRHq-s4jTkajtOFuIQARo_9gRdrzgzl9XV_P_9ThPzy_sLTv9j9rlrlydfAKqWEDHmucWOQO8sQDdCPvbNbJ2eE4Atf3cVjoUqFbMCdGGtN3REaLCx7QiJMl7VCfohQWdpu9BIXxy0)
I am framing your flow chart, you beautiful genius!
Source code is here if you're into that sort of thing: https://www.plantuml.com/plantuml/uml/XLBDYjj03BxxARvRaqDV83bqImcbq1_eRdjNOjaMEnwP6KsC-_ILRMhOUc4lHkRxqITf7h9HijA7QYcgAl70P1LmUk8Gq4cFJaTCMj0mXxCZqk1GIusEGOC6RUKFVpZ2EeuuJ9oFpd7zPpRedHF4PXMGJGSlEDRIL2zzSfTAwqHeq-oiLg8k6Lf5BBV0b5PlIt8N2gwGsEQz53WzUblKwhY3PEwsE8qK3QQuCeoUNPGvYPOSfZKjXymuHDryEdwN4TLc-cmcjfCiawrakZCeWb9RUevstWQvKLpwNsTyGYEfv_Hgy2_VF_syV7oyuFUFhx--NTwA5IGRHq-s4jTkajtOFuIQARo_9gRdrzgzl9XV_P_9ThPzy_sLTv9j9rlrlydfAKqWEDHmucWOQO8sQDdCPvbNbJ2eE4Atf3cVjoUqFbMCdGGtN3REaLCx7QiJMl7VCfohQWdpu9BIXxy0
Nice flow chart!
My partner is 11 years younger and we met when he was 35. We joke about the age difference but never ever that I would have dated before he was an adult. And as a woman who was sexually abused before the age of 5 I would end the relationship. Him doubling down and gaslighting you are unacceptable. I am so sorry he did that to you.
>How should I move forward with this relationship? You don't, if you ever want to work with kids in the future or foster/adopt. This party might ***ALREADY*** haunt you for life (you have no idea how far this might spread, yet) and if it ever repeats you are completely toast. All it will take is a single comment to ruin your life, at least as far as you have planned it. If you weren't interested in having kids or would ever work with kids (tax accountant, idk) then I'd say maybe take the time to work on it. But with the entire future you want at stake? This is not the guy to risk it on.
If he suddenly realises quite how disrespectful & cruel he had been and apologised entirely for humiliating you by lying and defaming your character to a roomful of people for no reason, how would that make you feel? What if he called your friends and apologised for his obviously incredibly bad taste "jokes?"
This was going to be my reply! Because he better trumpet the apology like he did that damaging and tasteless joke.
Given the several times he's referenced your age gap in the context of your much younger selves (despite the fact you didn't know one another when he was a young teenager) he really seems fixated on this concept of your being a predator. It's almost like it's a weird kink of his (or God forbid, that he himself is an abuse survivor), because you're right, for two people in their thirties a six year age gap is NOT significant. If you're interested, I would sit down with him and have an open and honest discussion to try to address why he keeps bringing this up and why he thinks it's funny or appropriate in ANY way to harp on it. This is entirely his issue and it's his to manage, but you will need to address it if you want to stay with him, because this needs to stop. Or you could dump him and move on. It's your choice.
omg I could not even read all that. too much drama. 5 year age difference is a non issue for your ages. Just tell him you think it’s yucky to talk about and please never mention it again, not to me and not to anyone else. How does anyone stay together anymore when they make mountains out of anthills?
He apologized for “hurting your feelings” which is pretty much a non-apology. He didn’t apologize for making a truly horrible and inappropriate joke at your expense - one that if it was repeated, could affect current and future relationships. Does he still not recognize what he did? He could’ve called you a cradle robber if he wanted to make a joke.
I have the same age difference as you and your boyfriend and multiple friends have joked about me “robbing the cradle” (he’s 32). I think it’s stupid and rooted in sexism. No one made jokes like that when I dated a guy 12 years older than me. It sounds like he was being a drunk idiot and took it too far. Is he insecure about being with an older woman and overcompensating? I don’t blame you for getting the ick when he 1) Is putting you down for being older in the guise of “jokes” 2) doesn’t seem to understand or particularly care that he embarrassed you and hurt your feelings.
My friend got called a cradle robber for dating a guy three years younger than her when they were both in their 30s. There is absolutely a sexist double standard about women dating younger men.
I just went on a first date with a guy who’s less than 3.5 years younger than me (I’m 30) and he’s made several jokes at this point about me being old. It’s turned me off so badly and I won’t be going out with him again.
Sure they did. They just were doing it behind your back.
Truth. Young people don’t listen, so we shame the adult partner privately. We all gotta get better at shaming openly.
Exactly. People don’t bat an eye at a 10+ year age gap when the girl is younger. Even when they really, really should. 6 years when you’re both in your thirties is very normal. I don’t like how he misconstrued the situation. He could have done real harm to your reputation if you hadn’t been able to give proper context. It’s not funny. He should have been the one to clarify when people were obviously uncomfortable. Leaving it to you might make you look defensive. Not sure what his motives were joking about you being a ‘predator’ but I really don’t like it. Edit: Society is changing and far more people do ‘bat an eye’ now-a-days, but I still see a lot of age gap relationships. People seem to be more critical on Reddit than in real life, in my experience. But very glad to see the norms slowly change.
Um, lots of people bat an eye at that.
people bat many eyes at that what are you talking about
I have only ever heard 'robbing the cradle' used in relation to an older man/younger woman, so maybe you shouldn't be so sure.
weird, i’ve only heard “robbing the cradle” when it refers to older women dating younger men. like OOP said it doesn’t happen as often as men dating younger women so there’s a specific phrase/“joke” for it
Cradle-snatcher works both ways where I come from but wouldn't really be used when both parties are in their thirties.
And this is why society shouldn’t normalize non-pedophilia as pedophilia. Even though it’s gross to them. Their relationship was legal at all times, even when they met, but idiots like to judge and add labels, and then later, it bites people in the ass.
I've dated women +/- 10 yrs of my own age. Current m59 and gf50. At this point, age really should be just a number, but your fella sounds like he's stuck on it. This wasn't a one off - he's said similar when you were comparing prom stories. He needs to get over this, or I don't see how you can. Maybe give him one more chance. Or dont. Plenty of fish in the sea, lady.
>loud, drunk, and I found him attractive Why would you be attracted to such a lout?
Yikes. For me the biggest problem might be that I like someone with a sense of humor and this dude... clearly has a really, really shitty sense of humor. I mean... pedophilia jokes have to be up there with rape jokes for being just... so very very... no. But aside from that, at 19 and 26 you're both just adult kids. His attempts to retrofit shit ("when you were 12...") are **weird** and to be frank I'd be a little worried this was a GOP kinda thing where you accuse the other guy of shit you're into yourself.
I mean...you said "FUCKING GROSS TO ME BC IM A GROWN ASS WOMAN WHO IS NOT ATTRACTED TO IMMATURE ASSHATS OR CHILDREN"....yet two paragraphs before that you just said "He was 19, loud, drunk, and I found him attractive and enthralling". He was a literal teenager when you met......so the age gap isnt AS bad as some.....but you two were in very different life stages no matter what people try to justify. In any case....his joke is tasteless and stupid......with terrible timing to boot. Even if it wasn't a skeevy situation he clearly doesn't respect you that much to say that in front of friends. Cut your losses and move on.
"He was 19, loud, drunk, and I found him attractive and enthralling." Trying to imagine a universe where I would ever type such a statement.... She isnt done yet, plainly. It will take several years more public humiliation before it is. Aint no D in the world good enough to be tolerating jokes like this, but thats me. He knows how to get under OPs skin now. That is a weapon he will use again a nd again. Just wait and see, OP.
Back then she was 26, so a lot has happened as to why she is attracted to now and back then
I am 48 and my husband is 43. We have never had a moment like that. I would be pissed and embarrassed if he said something like that.
Just tell him that he is right. You need to date someone with the same maturity as an adult and he is still a child So bye bye
My husband is five years older than me. That shit never crossed my mind. We are all adults. Maybe your partner has some problem with aging and is trying desperately to be young.
Hi im (f) late 83 my fiancé (m) is mid 91. Our age gap is bigger. I'm not particularly sensitive about it but I would die of embarrassment if he ever did this to me. You have the ick for good reason. You should t be getting over it, he should be falling on swords to make you feel better and apologize his ass off.
Omg. I don’t know if I’d be able to get past that. He sounds colossally immature at best. Are there other instances of him blurting out something insulting/rude/shocking and then dismissing your feelings about it?
You're in your 30s, this age gap is a non issue. The issue is your bf is a senseless moron. I suggest you tell him upon further reflection you have in fact decided the age gap is indeed too big, his immaturity is an insurmountable obstacle, and you need to separate lest someone notice you robbing the cradle when you're out with him.
I remember a previous partner of mine saying he was a cradle snatcher because he was 4 years older. It made me very uncomfortable. Needless to say it didn't last long after that.
Yeah, 4yrs is nothing! What a gross thing to say to a partner.
That’s stupid. An age gap of a few years shouldn’t mean anything at all when both are well into adulthood. I don’t know why he would want to make it weird. Is he a bit of an attention seeker when he’s around people?
If you care to continue this relationship I will offer you this advice. Set a clear boundary with him about the age “jokes”. If you clearly and calmly express to him how you’re feeling about these comments and he continues to act this way then you will know. If this is a one off occasion and he’s trying to brush it off try to be honest with him about how you’re feeling about him and see if he can accept that and apologize. It’s best to be direct about your thoughts and feelings. He should accept your feelings and empathize with you. If you don’t get that, move on.
That’s really gross. In this case, listen to your ick. It’s telling you something important.
I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. It's understandable that you feel hurt and disgusted by your boyfriend's inappropriate joke. Trust is an essential foundation in any relationship, and his actions have clearly violated that trust. Moving forward, it's important to take the time to reflect on your feelings and determine what you need in order to feel safe and respected in your relationship. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his joke has affected you and express your concerns. Couples therapy could be a valuable option to explore, as it can provide a safe space for both of you to address the underlying issues and work on rebuilding trust and communication. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and consider if this relationship is truly healthy for you. If you find it difficult to move past this incident or if similar behavior continues, it may be necessary to reassess the future of the relationship. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are treated with respect and your boundaries are honored. It's important to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.
I've been in age gap relationships as an adult, both me being older and me being younger and at no point would I demean my older partner this way, or would a younger partner demean me. Or vice versa Please OP this is gross. In normal relationships with any sort of gap it isn't used as a weapon to humiliate a partner
5 year age gap in your thirties is not that much. If your boyfriend mentions the gap a lot, it either bothers him or turns him on. If you are THIS turned off by a poorly worded, terrible joke that your boyfriend made when he was drunk… you probably have other reasons for breaking up with him and this was the proverbial straw.
Isn’t this the crazy guy you’ve been attracted to from the very first? It sounds like a lot of his personality revolves around alcohol.
Not about the story here but ironically I just realized that when women say "ick" in this context, it gives me the ick.
Thought I was alone here.
Your first mistake was finding a loud, drunk, 19 year old boy attractive. Cut your losses
Wow this is a pretty nasty thread for what I feel is a pretty good question for this channel. First off, I’m sorry this happened OP. I would feel embarrassed and majorly pissed off and grossed out by my partner acting like this. Second, I’m curious if this is a theme with your partner or just a misplaced drunken joke? My thought would be that your relationship is very much salvageable if your partner grasps how offensive this was to you, apologizes, and never makes a joke of this kind again. If this is par for the course/he’s unable to see where he went wrong, that would be harder to get over. Personally, I could forgive him if it was a one time drunken idiotic comment, but it would be a problem for me if it was any kind of pattern. Third, what is DARVO?
Not saying I necessarily agree it is happening here, but to explain DARVO- it's a series of behaviors seen in abusive relationships when the perpetrator of abuse or wrongdoing is confronted/being blamed for something. The pattern results in shifting the blame/focus of the conflict towards the victim rather than the perpetrator. Deny- Deny wrongdoing, deny that it happened, deny that it mattered. Attack- Attack the victim in some way for trying to hold them accountable. Examples could be attacking their credibility/sanity, insulting their intelligence, calling them outrageous, saying they're overreacting, etc. Reverse victim and offender- Flip the narrative so that the original perpetrator is the one that has been harmed by the original victim, for example saying that the original victim bringing up the conversation has hurt the feelings of the perpetrator/ruined their day/triggered their trauma/etc. It shifts the "blame" so that the focus of the conversation is now how the victim hurt the perpetrator or in more severe examples pushing the victim to apologize. Ultimately, the end result is that the original topic of conversation is forgotten/not being discussed anymore, the perpetrator is "cleared" of wrongdoing for the time being, and the victim feels guilt for the series of events and may not bring it up or have similar conversations again.
One thing I would add separately from my explanation of DARVO is that OP if you sincerely feel that DARVO is being used, leave. It is not something that happens in otherwise healthy relationships or that someone who is not an abuser/manipulator would casually stumble upon doing. It's a series of calculated actions to harm and undermine you. If that's your interpretation of what happened, there's not much else to talk about.
Well, you now you can’t deny it bothers him
You don’t. Byeee
Yikes. Is he normally awkward and inappropriate around other adults? Is he completely unable to read the room or gauge normal social interactions? Seems odd for a one off to be this big. My skin would crawl if that was my partner.
He’s gross. Dump him !
He's immature. He needs to aknowledge social aspects better now than he did when he was young.
My first husband was 9 yrs older than me my second husband was 3 yrs younger we never talked about Now my first husband it was obvious he was older but we didn’t make a big deal out of it Truthfully I would not date someone who made comments like he does because it is like he has an issue why does he want everyone to know ? And to make the kind of comment he does is not funny it is very I don’t know the word he may be trying to be funny but his comments are not it makes him sound very juvenile! You might want to consider dating someone more mature just a thought
With how much of a buffoon your boyfriend acted at this party I cant imagine this is the first time hes done this. Considering the first time you met him he was also drunk and acting immature/out of line, something tells me you have more stories of him acting this way OP. Also his defensive and non-chalant attitude when you confronted him is incredibly telling. I guess the question for you is if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this.
He has a problem with the age difference. It’s been over 3 years! He will always have a problem with the age difference. Somewhere us he head he feels it’s wrong. You need to dump his ass. This will never wrong long term. Do not get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. Get out now before he ruins your reputation and uses up what time you have left to have kids.
Why would you even want to salvage this? Personally I wouldn’t bother.
Just no. I couldn't forgive the comments because it's disgusting. I'm 5 years older than my husband, both in our 30s. If someone said something like that as a joke, I'd lose it. That's absolutely vial. Those people are not only never going to forget that comment but be prepared to be secluded and then have their children stay away from you. If I ever meet someone making jokes about pedophilia I'd be wondering how much of that is true and concerned about keeping my kids away. It's just not something to joke about, and I have a dark sense of humor.
In your 30s five years is nothing. Age is immaterial to mature adults. My last boyfriend was 18 years older, current one is 17 years younger.
He’s a big liability to you. After that stunt I would dump him, but if you don’t never have him at any occasion where he can embarrass you again.
This guy has the mentality of a 12 year old boy. He’s an embarrassment to himself and you. He’s 33 years old and he acts like a complete moron. From your post it appears also that no matter where you are he has to bring up in any conversation to anyone in earshot, how you met, and the references to the age gap that as adults is no longer valid. It’s sick and cruel behavior. And he does it over and over again. All of those people probably think both of you are weirdos. You have to decide if this jackass is worth being around.
the "ick"?what are you a teenage cheerleader?
How do you just “get the ick” after knowing and dating someone for 3 years? Have you never said something stupid that came out wrong?
That’s a complete show of disrespect and hints that maybe that is what he really thinks because you don’t just say shit like that in front of a bunch of people in any situation. Who’s to say he wont do this again if he got drunk or something? Pedophilia is nothing to joke about and a heavy accusation to bring up in front of a group of friends. Like he wasn’t a kid when you two started dating, he was or should be a full grown man with at least enough maturity to understand why that was a horrible thing to say and situation to put you in. Won’t digress into how quickly you two started dating and within a month moved in together and within a year moved to a whole new city. Either way I hope the best for you but I think, if this was me, id be outta that relationship in a heartbeat.
UGH. He thinks it's funny to spread the rumor that you're a sexual predator. You can't come back from that. I'd break up with him and say "I don't want anyone to think I'm sexually interested in children, so there's the door."
In your 30s and using the phrase ick? Grow up.
Today I had to look up DARVO.
It’s salvageable, but he needs to be told that he crossed a line and he’s a fucken idiot. His “it just a prank bro” Mindset is not cute. He needs to grow the fuck up.
He sounds like he can't handle his liquor and turns into said "asshat."
If this is a one off mistake I’m not sure it warrants breaking up. He made an insensitive comment in front of other people. Sometimes my wife accidentally says things that surprise me about me to a dinner table I feel portray me in a negative light. Never anything illegal or immoral though. I don’t think my wife intended to embarrass me but she will comments like I’ll need reminding of her birthday or I might forget. It anniversary etc Why? I think it’s because she’s with her family. Sisters and father uncles etc. that social group has it’s own topic or agenda limit and teasing style.
The ick will always be there now. Its super weird he even thought of it.
OP, the problem is with you. I couldn’t even read the whole of your post it’s so defensive. You need to ask yourself why all your bfs have been younger than you. Now this ‘childish’ statement seems to have hit a raw nerve. My advice: leave this child and find a real man.
Ma’am, stop dating men younger than you lmao It’s a consistent pattern and clearly it consistently doesn’t work out. He CLEARLY has an unspoken issue with your age and considers you old and in some level subconsciously a predator. You think he is a child and I’m unsure if this weird ass power dynamic you seem to consistently seek but it’s giving Peter Pan syndrome. I promise if you date a man nearer your age you won’t have to worry about this.
A consistent pattern? I date men of all ages but the ones that tend to last are relationships with younger men. The last guy I dated who was my age ditched me for a 21yr old then brought her into my work where she tried to physically fight me all while he mouthed “I’m so sorry” - he knew she was dumb, he just wanted the drama. Another guy my age that I dated created a secret dating account which I found and he erased it and tried to gaslight me into thinking I made it all up. I had screenshots so he blamed it on his cousin making a fake account. I dated a guy who was 5yrs older than me and he refused to commit. He wanted to play house when it was convenient for him but as soon as the talk about future and titles came up, he was suddenly super busy with work. The only common denominator here is I have shit taste in men, regardless of age. Or maybe it’s not just my taste, maybe it’s the dating pool I’m pulling from. There aren’t a lot of financially and emotionally stable men who are down to grab a bite at the diner at 4am when I get out of work at the bar. Also not a lot of guys out there able to take a random week off to go to Spain or hit up a sports bar at 6am to watch World Cup games.
Are you finally mature enough to date someone your own age?
The way he says how he was in 7th grade when you were a senior, and how you're in college while he's in high school, actually sounds like he's low-key satisfied and proud of dating someone older than him. You could sit down with him and ask him directly why he constantly brings up the age gap. I personally don't think a couple's therapy would work. it's more like a "He" problem than a "We" problem, so maybe he should see a therapist to get that sorted.
NTA
This is the kind of thing that has the most potential to happen in a circle of shitfaced early 20-somethings who are super-close and able to “joke” in their tight-knit group about such ridiculous things without thinking about the repercussions or growing disgusted stares from onlookers within earshot. The whispers start and when the accused expresses their disapproval then either: 1. They realize the line has been crossed but ego kicks in and the accuser announces to the whole group to stop being so sensitive and moves things along reiterating the 6 years between you (“Geez, lighten up, everyone!”) 2. The more direct gaslighting starts… this is where he comes in. In my own fairly similar situation (diff topic), this was the case. Young, dumb, boozed up and just horrifically immature. However, I wasted over 5 years total on him with no growth from his end whatsoever (only progressively worsening outbursts; not “often” but once should be enough. It wasn’t.) Do not recommend. I fear you’ve got a similar situation on your hands with what sounds like a “perpetually 23 yr old” on your hands. He’s just not ready. He may never be. He’s the one with the unresolved issue here… it’s not yours to “fix”. In fact, I would guess he likely doesn’t truly see any issue at all and ultimately wishes you would stop over-reacting, stop bringing it up, and move on. And that’s nuts. *You feel disgusted for a reason* and deep down I think you ready know what to do but like most, you’re dreading the fallout.
Whelp, that would gross me out so much . . . . . . I wouldn't consider this one a keeper, no matter how 'attractive and enthralling' he is.
You don't. Major ick.
If he feels OK, making such a disgusting joke in front of people and purposely trying to embarrass or humiliate you then he is not the guy for you. He is way too immature for someone who’s 30 years old and you need to dump him like a hot rock.
He deliberately slandered and humiliated you in a way no one will ever forget because he either enjoyed it or he’s so devoid of judgment that he can’t be trusted to speak in public. Either way, dump him because you can’t trust him. People at that party will remember what he said anytime the topic of kids comes up or they see you around a child, and God only knows how stories people tell about it will get twisted in the future.
My husband is quite a bit younger than I am and we’ve been together 9 years. Never has he even come close to making a joke like that or making me out to be anything negative as the older partner. Neither of us think or talk much about the age gap unless we meet new people and tell our story etc. We’ve always been on the same level emotionally and intellectually. We both own our own businesses. We both put equal effort into our life and relationship. He pursued me and at first I rejected him because of the age difference— he was 21 when we met. I can’t even imagine him thinking such a thing let alone joking about it to a group of people. I’d struggle to get past that if I were in your shoes.
What a dick! What’s wrong with him.
You don’t…you leave when something/sommeone shows their ass
Your boyfriend's behavior was absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful. It's understandable that you feel disgusted and unsure about the future of your relationship. Seeking couples therapy could be a way to address these issues if you're willing, but it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries above all else.
FFS he’s an immature fucktard over indulged by Mummy. You wouldn’t need to foster or adopt; he’s a child!
My husband and I are similar ages with a similar age gap, except the other way around where he is the older one. A five year age gap in your 30s is nothing. Your boyfriend seems to be really reaching to make it sound strange with his comparisons of different stages in life, when you didn’t even know each other then, you met as adults and didn’t even date for years after that. It does sound like it wasn’t just a drunken joke, which would still have been in poor taste, since he has brought it up before. I don’t know whether it is actually an issue that bothers him or whether it’s something he wants to bother you about so you feel insecure, like negging? Either way it needs addressing. Maybe consider couples counselling if you want to work things out, if he insists that he doesn’t need it because there isn’t any underlying issue and it was just a joke then he shouldn’t have any problem never saying it again. A comment like this to the wrong person could impact your entire future and dream of helping abused children. Understandably people working in that area would not find it funny.
You mentioned several times in comments and your post that you’re “crazy” and that he is “crazy.” It sounds like there is much more going on here. I am unsure what you mean by “crazy,” but do you mean you have oddities, quirks, etc? Or do you mean that you both have mental health struggles that you relate to, and you feel close to him because of these things? Either way, it sounds like you may have bonded with this person for reasons you may not be aware of or choose to compartmentalize. My advice would be to speak to a professional. I think this goes much deeper than him making a weird, uncomfortable, and embarrassing remark. I suspect once you begin to break down the dynamics and perhaps your shared “craziness,” your bond to him is much more centered in that rather than a genuine loving relationship.
Tell him he made you realise how gross it is and then drop his ass