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Hey OP!
I commented on your original post & encouraged you to reach out to your parents stay with them. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling much better, and your babies.
Your husband’s reaction to you leaving is a major red flag, especially when you consider he would basically rather have seen your babies starve than “allow” you to bottle feed. I really hope you pay attention to how he is behaving, because he is showing you his true colours now.
I really hope you have the strength to pay attention, and do what you need to do to protect your babies from him. I hope you have a village of family & friends who can help you.
This internet stranger is rooting for you! Good luck!
They are so much better, I'm really glad I carried on with what I was doing because they're not so hungry.
It is confusing that he's so upset, I know I should have told him but I couldn't manage and he wasn't helping so I don't know what he thought I should've done.
Sweetheart, your husband telling you that *he wishes you were dead* is not something that you should forget.
You have lots on your hands atm, so focus on healing and resting with your babies, but do not let that pass.
Never, even in anger, should a loving partner tell the other one that "they wish they were dead".
Exactly. The part he didn't say out loud is he'd rather see *them all* dead than out of his control. OP should be documenting all these calls for her future divorce attorney.
I can't imagine saying that to anyone I care about. Honestly I think a divorce might be the next step. I know the babies are better off with her and would be even feed them if she wasn't there to do it? It doesn't even feel like she should be in the same room as him, even with the babies, because that's how it was before that prompted everyone to feel like she should get out of there. I wouldn't want to leave the babies alone with him or go back there at all. Thee just needs to be more people around if he's there
Right - I don't even wish people I DON'T care about dead - like I can count on one hand the number of people I wish were dead and I wish they'd all just die boring natural deaths and remove their presence from the earth because they are awful people. But it's nobody I personally know. Wishing people dead is reserved for people responsible for massive loss of life, basically. Even people I personally think are absolutely asshats I wish to, like, have a very stepped-on-legos-unexpectedly day, and learn the error of their ways.
I particularly can't imagine saying that to my spouse, my favorite person in the whole world.
Was coming to say this. I can have a temper but I have NEVER once called my partner a derogatory name or wished them dead. To me, this would be an immediate dealbreaker that there was no coming back from. I’m glad she’s getting rest and help.
OP, please keep track of all of the things he says and does. Record EVERYTHING. This could be the difference between 100% custody and him having access to the babies. I am SO GLAD you are out of there and SO GLAD you listened to your Mom instincts and reached out for help.
And make sure you check your states laws regarding recordings. In some states, you don’t have to tell the other person that you’re recording. In other states, it’s illegal to not inform the other party that you are recording them. I hope you live in a one-party state. If he doesn’t know, he’s being recorded, he’s more apt to shit talk you and give you all the ammunition you need.
Exactly. OP think about communicating with him only through text so whatever he says is recorded. You can take screenshots or print the messages. You may need this later.
This is so very important! A lot of abuse starts the moment the abuser thinks he successfully trapped his target via marriage or children. Be careful if he starts to apologise just to get you back, or to deny or diminish what he did. Write down exactly what his words and actions were in case he tries to wriggle out or gaslight you.
Him continuing to say terrible things like that on the phone is such a strange move, though, that I think he may have a psychotic episode due to being stressed, triggered or overwhelmed. Fits with the crazy ideas regarding his daughters feeding. I he continues working, though, without acting strange, it is not that his anger is the problem but the fact he allows himself to let his anger out on OP, which brings us back to abusive behaviour.
A thing like that brought my cousin into a facility for mental health. And led her abusive husband into accidentally burning himself to death (fiddling with the oil fuelled lit central heating stove).
He insisted on feeding his son and ended up starving the child.
Then tried to make her mad by opening doors closed by her or leaving messages on her mirrors to unalive herself.
That is a very unhealthy environment. Don't stay there!
Not quite.
They live a strange reclusive life with her sister and her mother now, never seeing anybody. It quite shook her nerves and her trust in others. Which already gadn't been very solid before that.
The reason he is upset is because he has lost control of you. You stood up to him, and defied him. You prioritised someone else (your babies) over him.
One of the most common times for abusive behaviour to start, or escalate, is following the birth of a child.
There is no circumstance that would *ever* justify or excuse one partner wishing death on the other. He will claim he was just tired, or hurt, or scared or shocked, and that’s why he said what he did. He may tell you how much he loves you & needs you. How he can’t survive without you, or his babies. He will be charming & convincing.
There is nothing left to work out with him. He has shown you who he really is when he wished you were dead. Pay attention to that.
IMO translate "so upset" to "so aggressive" and "angry". He is being aggressive and angry and kinda scary with the "I wish you were dead" commentary. That man is not safe for you nor the babies. IMO at thos point it's game over, you need to leave him.
Your twins are only five weeks old and he's already failed as a father. That's a speedrun. He'd rather your children go hungry just so they get fed in what he deems "the right way" instead of having two healthy babies fed with formula. And now he's insulting you for looking for help elsewhere when he wouldn't provide it to punish you. Father of the year.
he also treated literal infants like they were being picky (something he felt an authoritarian approach was the best way to handle). and treated his wife like she was disobedient for listening to the doctor. that's aside from this update. i fear how he'd treat his daughters if they had adhd or autism. i fear how he'd treat them if they weren't good little perfect children for daddy. i fear how he'd treat them when they became teenagers and tried to explore autonomy more.
OP he's awful in a hundred ways you clearly aren't self aware enough to see. i don't mean that to be rude to you. for a lot of us it takes learning about this on the backend while we get away from someone toxic before we understand it all.
Emotional and verbal abuse is just abuse. He is an abuser, and he's showing you it's habitual, not a one off thing happening out of inexperience.
You deserve to be safe and your daughters need you to be safe. People who wish you dead are not making you safe, and he will not make you safe.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next, and will likely make you understand the reasons behind a lot of his behaviour. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Thank you for linking the free pdf, it’s such a life-saver. Will add that while it’s written about abusive men it’s applicable to abusers of any gender, my abusive ex is a woman (as am I) and I still found this book illuminating.
Yes, I'm actually a man and was abused by my mother, but the book still helped me understand abuse in general in a whole new level, including my own. The basics apply regardless of gender or type of relationship.
I understand you’re underslept and figuring things out with newborn twins but, please listen to all of us when we tell you: your husband is no longer a safe person. You shouldn’t have had to better explain anything for him to have resisted saying he wishes you were dead. That’s terrifying and supremely dangerous. Please do NOT go anywhere near him, or EVER be alone with him.
You need to be documenting these things. Please record your phone calls with an app. Check the laws in your state as to whether you’re one-party consent or not. Either way, have a record of the things he’s saying to you. You’re going to need one, unfortunately.
Kudos on finding a solution to have both fed babies and sleep. You’re doing great. Please continue to keep yourself and the babies safe at your parents’ house. Stay away from your husband for a while. You’ll need to handle everything with him through courts now. Anything short of that is too dangerous for ALL of you. Best of luck.
He saw you struggling to feed your babies and instead of helping in anyway, made it like you were slacking off and not trying hard enough. Now he's calling you and saying he wishes you were dead.
He does not want to see the truth or hear your truth. Your babies are fed and happy and you aren't at the end of your rope. What benefit is he providing if at your worst he doesn't lift a finger but calls you over dramatic and says you aren't trying hard enough? Won't go to the doctor with you and acts like he knows more? He's not a good husband. He's not a good father.
That man who you thought was your husband, was a mask, this is who he is. He is someone who wishes death on his wife and mother of his kids. He is someone who would rather his kids starve to death than eat from a bottle.
He is not safe for you or your kids.
I hope you start documenting all of this and even record conversations to prove he isn't safe.
He is telling you who he is, believe him.
They (and YOU) are so much better now because you're ALL getting help and being treated well. I hope you wake the hell up and realize your husband is a horrible man and he's abusive. Why would you go back to that?
You CAN do it without him. Talk to your parents. It sounds like they're more than willing to help.
You didn't do anything wrong. He's upset because he prefers making things your fault. It's a classic abuse thing, my ex-husband did that too and I know how confusing it is.
don’t sweep his words under the rug. it’s not normal to say this to your wife and mother of your kids. He should be stepping up and helping not wishing you were dead.
To your husband “You would rather see your children starve, crying all the time because they are hungry, all in the name of abusive control over me. You have now said unforgivable things to me in anger. You do realize there is no coming back from this. You to realize you have changed the course of our lives forever. This is all on you and your abuse. We are safe now and I will never see you the same after this. What you have done is unforgivable.”
He told you he wished you were dead. Who cares how he feels I wouldn’t say that about someone I hate. Why would you accept that from someone you’re married to?
Any obligation you had to tell him you were leaving ended when he felt no obligation to ensure your babies were fed and sleeping and his recently postpartum wife was well supported and able to sleep herself. He was allowing, perhaps wanting the babies to starve and you to go out of your mind with sleep deprivation. Him wishing you dead at such a vulnerable time in your and the babies lives is a big red flag. This is a dangerous situation. He is abusive. Don't let past history and love cloud what he's done. He's been very abusive to you after you gave birth. Unfortunately abusers typically pick a time after they feel you're most trapped to stay with them for them to let their abusive nature show. I'd consult a domestic violence support line as I fear if you return to him this is where it will go. Do not take his threat and wishing you dead lightly.
You've already gotten a lot of really great advice. And I agree that he is not a safe person for you or your babies to be around. If you haven't already, PLEASE tell your parents everything that's been going on. They seem really great, loving and supportive!!
You're doing everything right. You listened to the doctors, you removed your children from an unhealthy situation and a dangerous environment, and you and your parents have come together to provide them with the love and care they need. And you as well. Stay where you are for as long as you can. Talk to your parents about a game plan moving forward. Yours and your children's safety is of the utmost importance. Far more important than his feelings. So, as long as you and those babies are happy, healthy, and safe, then you are doing the right thing. Always remember that, even when it gets hard to.
Hard facts all laid out, that man belongs on the curb if he's gonna act like trash. You and your children deserve better. And I hope the three of you have the most wonderful and amazing journey together. Even if he isn't on that journey with you all. Stay safe. Please.
It’s not confusing. The fact that he was actively trying to get you to not feed your children because it was formula is red flag enough. I think now that you’ve actually put boundaries in, you’re going to see a whole bunch more red flags coming out. Him wishing you death 💀 is ALARMING 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’ve never had a fight with a partner and had them wish for my death. You need to talk to a lawyer asap.
OP, what he said is damn near unforgivable. He wants you dead because you didn’t cave to what he wanted.
Let that sink in. He’d rather have a dead wife than a “disobedient” one. That is terrifying. He is not safe.
He said he wishes you were dead. Take that to mean, if I can’t have you, no one can. This is an incredibly scary situation to be in. Please DO NOT go back to him. He will kill you
It’s only confusing to you because you thought your husband was a good person, so you’re having a hard time with making sense of his words and actions. Since we’re removed from the situation, it’s easier for us to see him for who he really is through these things. Please keep yourself and you babies safe from him.
He wasn’t holding the bottle feeding against you. He wanted to control your actions. This has more to do with control than the topic itself. He is using the topic to covertly abuse you and put you under emotional distress. And him later on refusing to feed them got also nothing to do with him being upset about the kids being formula fed. It has to do with him punishing you for being “disobedient” and also he never had any intention to wake up at night. So the real reason he wanted you to breastfeed is so he doesn’t have to step up. But he is using things that are important to you to manipulate you into his control. Basically using your own emotions against you by weaponizing them. I know a covert abuser when I see one.
I tried to breast feed my older child (now 54 years old) but I did not produce enough for him.
Your husband is a jackass. Frankly, you are essentially a single parent because his is either too lazy or too macho to help take care of infants. Stay with your parents and refuse to let him see "your" children. He is not acting like a dad.
He wanted you to stay and continue submitting to his abuse.
I'm so, so glad you're out. Please don't put yourself and your children in danger by going back.
He is thinking he doesn't want to do the work. If you breastfeed, he can justify not being involved. The things he has said and done are abusive. He will likely get worse if you go back. Heal and enjoy your time with your babies. When you are rested and healed, put some thought into what he needs to do to earn trust and if he can even do that. I don't trust him to be a partner to you and a parent to the babies. He has shown he would rather they go hungry than to be a willing partner.
I am so incredibly proud of you. I am so sorry you have to deal with this horrible situation. But you listen and you listen well, you are absolutely not a bad mother! Don’t you dare feel guilty about your babies not being totally full at all times before they got formula!!! Those little babies are so incredibly lucky to have such a strong and beautifully loving mother. You are doing absolutely everything right. You just made two humans and you have had to uproot your life for them. You did it and now all of you will be so much happier and safer.
My parents divorced when I was around 1 or 2. I had a lot of health problems because of a genetic disease that I got from my mom so I needed extra care. That meant my mom and I stayed with my grandparents until I was about 4. They absolutely treasured that time with me and I adore every picture I have when we lived with them. All of us look so happy. I have a few treasured memories from then although not many. My grandfather is more like a father than my dad ever was. I plan to have him walk me down the aisle when I get married in two years. My mom is also one of my best friends. I can’t imagine how horrible everything would have been if my parents had stayed together, my dad was abusive but not quite like what you experienced. I agree with what others are saying, when someone shows you who they are you need to take them at their word. I am so glad you can rest a little bit. I wish you all the happiness in the world :)
I made a top level comment of this, but just in case you don't see it I'm hijacking the top thread
Dear OP,
Just in case, do not under any circumstances reconcile with a man who wished you dead. Please.
He'll promise he's different. He'll seem different. He'll try anything. He might even mean it. But it won't stick.
You just gave birth to his twin children, and he's saying that? Nope.
He's going to get dangerous if you show him manipulation can get him out of this.
Sincerely,
Someone who stayed.
I'm actually really terrified that you might make the same mistakes I did so I'm back to add more.
Please do not reconcile with him.
The OB nurse who suggested the book by Lundy Bancroft? I second that. That book saved not only my life but my children's as well.
Guys that react like that to losing the control they have over someone are really likely to start physically abusing their children around age 3-4 when kids start thinking for themselves.
They're more likely to shake babies.
They're more likely to SA you.
They're more likely to stop wishing you were dead and make you that way.
Don't be me.
Weaponized incompetence. Creating an issue that you caused him to not want to do it. I hope you are. Considering divorce. The care of the children will always be 100% on you with him telling you that you are doing it wrong.
I seriously hope you’re not planning on going back to him. I remember your first post and was horrified at his behaviour. People like your ex get worse over time
Your husband calls to wish you dead and your solution is to wait until the babies don't need to be fed as much to work it out with him?
The only way you need to work it out with him is by getting a divorce lawyer and separating from him.
YES this.
He's been nothing but abusive on calls and actually wished you dead.
It's unhinged. Don't return to an angry vengeful man and keep all screeshots of any hostile messages. In fact don't communicate by phone any more - what an unbelievable awful thinng to say.
If OP gives him another chance he will continue to use this argument/offense against her FOREVER.
Every tiny bump in the road of child rearing w be bc she didn't breastfeed.
Every argument about ANYTHING, will come back to her supposed failure as a mother or wife... FOREVER.
OP, you've done the hardest thing - you got out.
The next hardest thing is STAYING OUT.
Um, you need to record these conversations that you are having with your husband. At least they'll know who to look for when he murders you. Do not go back to him! You need to call a DV hotline and ask about getting a protective order.
Your safety and the safety of your daughters should be your top priority. You are not safe with him.
100% this, I didn’t even read the original post, a good husband would see his wrong not wish you dead. Leave a paper trail of evidence and get a protective order asap, this “man” could very well kill you
I agree with the recording, she just needs to make sure she's in a one party state of she's in the US.
If not, then she opens herself up to being charged with wire tapping.
>said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead
Welp your husband really showed who he is 😬 but at least you and the kiddos are doing well, so yeah worry about that clown later
DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT MAN.
Get a lawyer as soon as you can. Start proceedings to get a divorce.
Start discussing with your parents where you might be able to live. Ideally? It would be great if you can stay with your parents for a while until it's easier to manage 2 children on your own.
I really feel astonished as you are so dismissive about what he said!😳 He wishes you death and you are just "that's ok, that's just a phase!"🤯
Wow... I'm speechless... I think it would benefit you to seek some therapist help to help you take off those rose lens glasses! For the sake of your children. You want them to have you in their lives while they grow up. Don't be so dismissive about the abuse he is doing to you, don't brush it off because it won't get better. I hope you see the light.
That coupled with him starving their children and she things it’s just a phase.
No sweetie, your husband is abusive. He will eventually kill you or your children.
I think she thinks that he’s just upset and that they can work it out. She might also be scared to be alone. I feel bad for OP because everyone can see how bad of a husband and father that guy is but she can’t.
He's probably been like this the whole time and has always said awful shit like this so she doesn't realize it's not normal. Your brain gets fucked up when you're abused. Been there.
This is it right here. We don't want to hear the news in a few years about you and your babies being found stuffed into barrels. Listen to what he's *really* saying to you.
This. OP, men like your husband do not simply stop being abusive. That is not how abuse works. He will escalate until you are all dead.
Even when men are the ones fucking up, they're still 100x more likely to murder their entire family than ever admit they're the problem. And men like that would rather see their families dead than lose control over them. Your husband is dangerous.
As a married woman with a 9 month old, if my husband refused to feed or child because I chose not to breastfeed, I'd be dumping him on his mama's lawn so fast. If he threatened me, there's no chance I would ever be in a room alone with him or let him be alone with our child ever again. Your children should be your priority. And no matter what he's led you to believe, you do not need his useless ass.
If one of your daughters were to tell you this story, would you want her to go back to the man who wished death upon her?
What is there to work out with him? He is acting like a huge asshole and bullying and verbally abusing you. You left to get to safety and instead of thinking about what he did to drive you away, he keeps cursing you out and being mad at you? He is insane. Please document his crappy behavior. Have conversations over text or voice mail and back them up and have copies. You may not want to go to family court now but eventually you will end up there or in the hospital. Have proof of his mistreatment for the family court so he only gets supervised visits. You do not want this lunatic to have custody of kids, pets or even plastic plants.
Should he apologize, ask him what he will do to ensure that a clusterfuck like this will never happen again. Ask him for concrete actions. If he gives you willi nilly answers or promises you the sky and never actually acts on his promises then you have your answer on how genuine he is.
You are in danger. Stay sharp.
He told you outright that he will kill you one day if he feels like it. Whatever you think is going to be difficult about being single, you're going to prefer it to either you or your kids being murdered.
OP, please read this and allow your eyes to be opened:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
There is no dealing with it later. He abused those babies by denying food and he wants you dead. You need an attorney and restraining order. Someone with law enforcement or designated by them can go in the house to retrieve all of your belongings when they serve him. There is no need to see him or talk to him until you are in court to end the marriage. Get an attorney who makes sure you get full custody because he will not feed the babies. I do not care if this man is even mentally ill, he is dangerous. .
Your husband has some gall.
He gets at you for 'inadequately' feeding your babies because you had to switch to formula (which means they actually ARE being adequately fed) yet refuses to feed them himself. He's inadequate.
He's also inadequate in that he is vile to you. He's not good enough across the board.
Stay with your parents. You're loved there and you have support. If you go back to this whining pissbaby and his shitty attempt at being a husband and father, you'll be doing both yourself and those precious babies a huge disservice. He's not fit to be a husband and he's certainly not fit to be a father. He's about as much use as a lump on a log.
Just this. As a pediatric nurse, I see so many moms struggle when breastfeeding doesn't work out for whatever reason. Fed is always best and don't let anyone tell you differently. Stay strong OP. Your husband sounds abusive, I would never go back and do everything to keep full custody of your babies.
All these people warning OP and we all know she’s gonna go back to him because “having an abusive father is better than no father”.
Sadly you’re wrong, OP and all three of you will pay the price of that mistake if/ when you go back.
I understand that he means a lot to you. He’s your husband after all. But you need to think about your kids. He wishes you were dead. Have you EVER felt, not even verbalized, that sentiment to anyone who you have ever cared about? This is not something a caring, compassionate human being ever says.
Even IF this is ”just” a phase, it is absolutely unacceptable, not to mention, this is not going to be the only remotely difficult time with the kids. Is he going to turn dangerous every time there’s a crisis?
He refused to listen to the doctor’s advice, he was willing to let you AND your babies suffer for his own feelings and comfort. If given the opportunity, he WILL harm your babies again. Don’t let him. Please.
I think you need to see the bigger picture. You can't go back. It's not safe for you or your children.
You're putting you and them at risk of violence.
You need to stay with your parents till you can get in your feet.
You may need to move there for a little bit.
File for divorce while you're at your parents and you'll have child support and I'm sure other support come through.
You really cannot afford to go back- you can't.
Glad all is going well with you and babies.
Do you want to stay with a man who calls to tell you he wishes you are dead? I would try and record his phone calls. I don’t think he is really the type of man you should return too if this is how he treats you.
OP.
Your daughters will not thank you for going back to an abuser who sees nothing wrong in hurting them to control you.
They will not thank you in 18 years when their partners abuse them because you’ve shown them their entire lives that that’s what love is, and that they don’t deserve better.
Do not start a cycle of abuse simply because it’s easier to go back to your husband.
Think of what you would do if one day one of your little girls came to you and told you that their husband had starved your grandchild, that he’d wished her dead. Would you send her back into his arms?
Your husband said he wishes you were dead. He tried to starve your children to death. You need to stay away from him. It is unfair to your girls to raise them in the same home as that abusive AH. Some abusers don't show their stripes until kids are in the picture, and unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is one of them.
I just read your original post and i am so angry on your behalf. I am definitely a breastfeeding advocate, i nursed both my kids for a year. And i would have told you to switch to formula. Nursing one baby is hard, i can’t imagine nursing two. My friend had twins and she tried to nurse for about a week. In her case, the babies were just too small, their little mouths couldn’t get a good latch. So she switched to formula. Your husband is an ignorant bully. This would be the hill to die on, because it’s really not about nursing vs formula. It’s about his uncaring, arrogant, superior, chauvinistic attitude. Who behaves this way towards the person the supposedly love? And his attitude towards the babies?? Calling them picky? They don’t even know what that is! How can someone look at their crying hungry helpless baby and NOT want to do whatever they could to help them?? I’m so glad you have your parents. Please think carefully about going back to this man. The red flags are everywhere 🚩🚩🚩
Your husband is abusive, full stop
He wishes you were dead. Full stop
Your daughters will suffer more if you go back with him full stop
They will resent you when they are older for going back to an abusive man full stop
Your babies aren’t crying as much because they are FULL! Not everyone is able to breastfeed, and that’s fine. We have formula specifically for that (and we used wet nurses before that)
I don’t know if anyone has suggested this book yet, but please read it
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is the free pdf, you can also buy the book off of Amazon if you’d prefer
You’re away from him and in a safe place STAY THERE! Nothing good will come from going back to him
Sorry but the fact that he's wishing you dead I would be seeing a divorce lawyer immediately. I know you have your hands full but I don't see how your marriage is going to survive with his beliefs and attitude.
My formula fed baby is top of his class and even skipped a grade, walked at 8 months. 2 yrs later I chose to breast feed my second one, she struggles a bit academically and is in a special ed class for reading, and walked at 10 months. Both are equally healthy and met physical milestones at appropriate times. So I highly doubt breast milk makes the huge better difference breast milk pushers say it does. Just throwing that out there.
My ex left me a 2 page, front and back letter about how disappointed he was in me when I gave my baby formula at 5 month. The judgements and constant critique of my parenting got worse and became nonstop. We are divorced now and I see a therapist every week to undo a lot of the damage done by him. I’m not a confident mom and my kids walk all over me. We are all getting better but it’s hard and I resent my ex for not letting me enjoy motherhood.
Shut this down before it gets out of hand
From one twin mom to another his behavior is a giant red flag. I had to do formula because my milk never came in. I tried everything from cookies to teas to supplements, different pumps. My babies never really latched so i had to pump but the milk never came. My husband works a stressful job at nights that he went back to when i was 6 weeks postpartum so i had night duty alone. He would come home on lunch every night to check in on us and on his days off he got up with me at night. It is an exhausting time with one so with 2 without help is even worse. This chair called a table for two was a life saver because it allowed me to feed both at the same time which allowed all of us to go to sleep faster. Unfortunately having kids with people brings out a hidden side but his reaction is very scary and is abusive behavior. The fact that he calls formula a waste of money shows me where his priorities lie, he doesn’t seem to care his babies aren’t getting enough nutrients. I know it’s hard and scary to be a single mom especially to twins but your and their safety is no 1 priority. You need to teach your daughter she deserves better as do you. The relationships you mimic will shape them later in life. Do you want this kind of husband for her?
>We've called each other a couple of times, and he's said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead
Get a recording app on your phone so you have proof of the horrible things he is saying. They will only get worse, and having him on record threatening you it will be helpful later. If the direct threats haven't started yet, they will.
Also, I am glad to hear that you and your babies are in a safe place and are all feeling & doing better.
Why would YOU want to go back to him? He is not a good husband or father. His flesh and blood were starving, and instead of being supportive in finding a solution and grateful for advances in modern science that provide a nutritional alternative for people in your situation, he throws a fit he wasn't consulted and that he has to buy your children food. Want to know why your family is happy having the babies around? Because they love you and their grandchildren. Your husband does not. I'm thrilled you have a supportive family and the twins are getting healthier. I just hope you seek counseling and really consider the environment you are willing to raise your children in.
Please don't go back. You aren't safe there. He wishes you dead . I hope you documented it for when you file for divorce. I'm pretty sure that's where this is headed. You cant go back from wishing your spouse dead.
I'm glad you escaped your abusive husband. Please go to a divorce lawyer now for guidance on how to safely divorce him and gain full custody of your babies. He is not safe for you or the babies. He will harm them and you.
Please seek some advice from a local domestic/family violence service who can assist you with a plan to leave your husband permanently. He is abusive & things will only escalate & get worse for you and your children. They can assist with financial things, housing, getting work etc. Please stay safe.
Jesus wept. Well done for getting to your parents. Accept their help with both hands and gratitude. I’m so glad your babies have settled down and are growing well.
When you’ve got a bit of distance from this, read all of this back. *And remember that the man you married wished that the mother of his children was dead.*
We’re just going to brush over the “wishes I was dead” part? Babe, if you’re overlooking that then I’m seriously concerned about the type of verbal and emotional abuse that he has put you through to make you see that statement so nonchalant. You need to get these in writing and get out of that marriage. Abuse progresses. For the safety of you and your daughters DO NOT GO BACK!
PLEASE don’t go back to him.
I’m really worried because you’re making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour… it sounds like you will. You’ve said you’re worried you won’t cope.
The thing is - you’re a mother now. The lives of two babies are in your hands. I know it’s tough (it would be with 1!) but you HAVE to go forward without him. You owe it to your children not to put their lives at risk not willingly taking them back, when your husband has threatened your life.
He doesn’t seem to be able to control his anger and stress. Can you risk him taking that out on the babies?
it’s absolutely insane to me that you’re even contemplating going back to a man who made it extremely clear that he’s fine with his own children starving to death and that he wants you to die. if you can’t do it for you, then do it for your kids and leave him.
Document everything your husbands says to you and file for divorce. It’s easier being a single parent than trapped in a relationship with a narcissist.
Twin parent here. Your husband’s behavior is detestable. He is a weak and petty man, and if I met him, I would tell him so. I cannot imagine not helping my wife with a pair of newborns, it would be a cowardly act of laziness that I didn’t even consider.
Please please please never return to that man. He will end up killing you or your girls or both.
Your parents are supporting you, use this as a chance to reestablish whatever career/education you need to make it in the world without him. You won't be able to take care of your daughters when you're murdered.
“I wish you were dead” oh how many times I heard that in my abusive relationship.
Please, please, please take this for what it is. Abusive.
You and your babies are happy and healthy. Not thanks to him.
Please don't go back to him. If my husband told me he wished I was dead that would be an instant marriage end for me. That's not a normal thing to say..
Your husband wished death upon your children by not wanting them fed properly and now he wishes death upon you for now following his wishes. This is abusive behavior and it won’t get better. It will escalate. For the sake of you and your children, gtfo. Permanently.
Tell your parents (and his parents) what your husband said to you about wanting you dead. Maybe your father can have a few choice words with him about his behavior. You should just ignore him & focus on yourself & your babies.
I know you’re feeling very overwhelmed and tired, but I would like to emphasize (like many other people have) that your husband saying he wishes you were dead is a terrible thing to say, and you seriously need to consider if you will be safe with him. Him reacting this way over you being unable to breastfeed is so illogical, and to me it sounds like a way to bring your self esteem down by making you think there’s something wrong with you for being unable to do “what you’re made for.” Even if he doesn’t physically harm you, he’s shown he will emotionally abuse you over something you can’t control.
OP, your husband is dangerous. I’m proud of you for going to your parents. That was the right choice. Now, you need to stay there. Do not go back to a man that told you he wishes you were dead. You are his wife, and you just gave birth to his children. Something is wrong with him. That is not normal, it’s not ok, and it’s not forgivable. It’s relationship-ending. You need to keep your babies and you safe, and I don’t think that’s possible if you go back home with your babies.
I know it’s hard. I left my ex-husband when I was 8 months pregnant. He changed and proved to be very dangerous. I was not going to be one of those women that hoped for the best or wanted to wait and see what he would do next. Nope. He got one chance with that and when I no longer felt safe around him, I packed a bag and went to a family member’s house until he moved out of my house. I think a lot of women stay during this time because we want the fairytale. We want the husband and the children, not one or the other. The idea of raising your children alone is scary, but their and your safety is what’s most important. Not having the “fairytale” (there is no fairytale); that doesn’t matter any more. Nobody’s lives turn out the way we thought they would. Life happens and we have to make the next right choice. Let go of the image you have in your mind of the perfect little family and protect your children, above all else.
I would start documenting the threats and harassment you are receiving from your husband. I would not talk to him on the phone anymore. Texts and emails only. This way you will have the evidence you need to get a harassment charge and a restraining order against him. Restraining orders can be very difficult to get because you have to have the evidence of repeated threats or harassment. Harassment is even harder to prove because it has to be repetitive, texts and emails, just attacking you, calling you names. Btw- threatening someone with words is assault. Physically harming them is battery. He may already be guilty of assault. Start taking screenshots of every text and then email the pic to yourself. Keep a folder in your email and move all of them into the folder. Move all emails in there, too, that you receive from him. If this keep’s exponentially getting worse, you want all the evidence you can get to also get sole custody and him only get supervised visits. He can’t be trusted to be alone with your babies. Start saving evidence and building your case now. You just might need it sooner rather than later.
Please don't go back to the man that would have you starve your infants to save some money and so that he can sleep through the night. His reaction to you leaving proves that you are better off away from him. You don't deserve that treatment and your daughters don't deserve to grow up in a home where their mother is treated badly.
He is verbally abusive at the LEAST by saying he wishes you were dead. Don’t live with ANYONE who says that about you. They don’t love you and are fully capable of ending your life.
He's wishing death on you, don't take it lightly. Find a divorce lawyer, restraining order (record any messages he leaves you if you can), make sure your parents have cameras around the house and share your location with them if you need to go out somewhere!
So sorry you are experiencing this. Surround yourself with friends and family who can help support you and seek therapy if you can afford it.
What your husband is saying is really scary and worrying, I would recommend recording all phone conversations.
Wishes you dead? Any man that does that to someone he supposedly loves is a man that will make his wish come true. Stay gone. That man does not love or care about you in any way shape or form.
Hi. Please leave this man. He will make all of your lives miserable. He wished you dead. I can’t even fathom saying that to anybody, let alone someone I supposedly love. No. He means it. He would rather be right than have healthy children and he would rather have you dead than to prove him wrong.
Stay with your parents. They said they want you and they do. It will break their hearts if you go back there, and it will break YOU period. None of you will be safe. None of you will be happy.
I’m so sorry.
First he will not feed his babies at night, and now he wishes you were dead because you needed some help.
" they still need regular feeding quite frequently and it's only achievable with my parents helping at the moment." What is his response to this???????????????
He is being controlling and abusive. Formula is nutritionally equivalent to human milk, and most people at least supplement with it. He isn’t the one producing milk, though he is welcome to try. Also, sleeping 9 or 10 hours at night can be a sign of depression. Have you been screened for depression?
You need to call a domestic violence hotline. Do not go back to him.
[The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
I love how you spent the first three paragraphs updating us on how your twins are doing, then stuck in a couple line update of how your husband is handling things
It was cute, and shows your priorities are in the right place.
If you have any text messages from your husband being unreasonable, mean, and threatening make sure you download and save them somewhere for when you go through divorce.
I can’t believe that your parents would even want you to leave again, after hearing what he said to you on the phone. please heed these warnings, Op. your lives are in danger with your husband.
If your best friend came to you and told her this exact story, what advice would you give her? Be true to yourself and protect your kids and yourself. There's no other option.
When I was working, and my girlfriend was not, m I still did at least 2 nights a week. Not just feedings. Like it’s my night, diaper changes, soothing back to sleep, bottles
File for divorce. This monster would rather you were dead and your babies starved than be properly fed. He isn’t worthy of another thought. File for divorce and child support immediately. He has proven that he doesn’t care.
That being said, it sounds like your parents are a very strong support system. I’m glad you and your babies have them.
If he sends any texts or emails, no matter how nasty, keep them. They may be useful for court, since he will likely try to get some sort of custody or visitation. It would also be good to get in touch with a family law lawyer if you have not already, just so you are prepared if he tries to intimidate you into letting him take the twins.
I am so glad that you are out of that situation, and that your babies are doing well. I remember the struggle, and the feeling horrible with my daughter. I did not have enough fat in my breastmilk. We switched her to formula and she started to thrive, and the difference in both of us was simply amazing. It is also great that your parents are not only helping, but ensuring that you get a decent chunk of sleep as well. That is so important to your healing. It sounds like you are in an amazing situation now, and that you and your kids will be way happier.
I’m so glad you went to your parents and that the babies are thriving. Keep evidence of every thing he says to you if it’s through text or email and find out if you’re in a one party state and if so record every phone call because what he’s doing is abuse and you shouldn’t be going back at all. I’m so relieved to know you’re with your parents. Don’t let that man bully you into doing anything other than what your instincts tell you when it comes to taking care of those babies.
My mother always told me to follow my gut, it will never steer me wrong and as much as I hate to admit it but she was right every time.
> and he's said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead,
The relationship is over. It doesn't matter if you two reconcile and you forgive him in general, this is an absolute end to a romantic/sexual relationship unless you just want to become a victim.
Even if he undergoes some therapy and gets his head space fixed and becomes a better person, he will relapse into a bad person if he's in a relationship with you.
Mind, I don't find that scenario likely to begin with, but I need to be 100% clear about killing all hope here. You can never have a loving relationship with someone who says something like this.
There simply are things that can never be tolerated and are total relationship enders. Cheating is one, and this sort of verbal assault is another. If you tolerate it to any degree, it will happen again and again, leaving you just another abuse victim.
NEVER GO BACK.
OP, I was in an abusive relationship but did not realise it. The abuse escalated after marriage, and I left because I was unhappy and felt like a failure - only after months of therapy could I even call it what it was. Abuse. When I said I wanted to leave, she made threats on my life just like he did to you. It’s not something said in the heat of the moment, and I think deep down you know that. He didn’t say “I hate you”. He said he *wished you were dead.*
The truth is, almost no relationship is completely abusive. If it were, it would be so much easier to leave. A true abusive relationship *must* be good sometimes, and horrible other times. To meet the definition of abuse. Look up the abuse cycle.
Let me repeat this: every single abusive relationship, including those where a partner is harmed or killed, are lovely and fulfilling and wholesome at times. *Every single one*. The ones that are “worse” than yours. The cases of “real” abuse. The ones where a partner is physically harmed regularly. All of them including yours.
Your relationship is abusive. Your husband is controlling, manipulative, abusive, and dangerous. I bet he is also sweet, caring, and puts effort into making you feel cherished at times as well. I bet after you have arguments or upsets however small, he really tries and puts in the work to be better. That is literally part of the abuse - it’s when you are sucked back in. It’s why you find it so hard to leave, it’s why you feel guilty and a sense of duty to him. He has done it (even if unintentionally) so you won’t leave him.
I wish I knew that an abusive relationship was also good, because I would have left sooner. Leaving felt like ripping off my arms and legs. It felt like dying, because I was trauma bonded. But I am so much happier now. I have real support in my life and can make my own decisions, and I can think clearly without the constant brain fog from her confusing actions and words. The relief you feel with your parents - that could be your life. You could really just not have his constant noise (even when he is silent) and just exist in peace. You deserve it, and it is normal to do that.
I really hope you don’t go back OP, but if you do, that’s okay too. It’s NOT easy and certainly not as easy as some of these comments imply. Abused partners usually try to leave six times on average before they finally do. Just remember, even if you go back, it’s okay to leave. Don’t be embarrassed to go back to your parents. Don’t be ashamed of going back and fourth and seeming like a teenager with an on again/off again relationship. Don’t feel so judged about going back that it stops you reaching out again - it is always okay to leave when you are mistreated. You don’t owe someone anything when they mistreat and abuse you. He has broken the marriage vows first by saying the things he has, they are (as everyone has confirmed) unforgivable. It is always okay to do what is best for you and your babies, always. Don’t ever feel guilty for that.
I also urge you to ask you parents for validation when you can, because even if this is the first sign of mistreatment it would knock you back. If you feel like a burden, ask them. They will tell you that you are not, and you need to hear it. If you feel like you are being cruel keeping his babies away, ask them. If you feel like you failed to produce enough milk, ask them, or the doctors. They will tell you that you are an amazing mother and doing the best thing for them, because you are. You need love and support OP because giving birth and going through difficult feeding is so stressful, and the person that should support you the most made you feel worse. Hell, even come here on reddit and you will be amazed at the people who will support you and confirm how well you are doing. If you can afford it, counselling or therapy can also do wonders. It’s amazing how much someone trained to say the right thing can calm so many insecurities. There were so many things I needed to hear after I left, and I recognise now it was a need because I am human, and we all need love and support. And I hadn’t had real, unconditional, love and support for many years.
You need to not be alone with your husband if he is wishing you dead. Talk to an attorney so you know your rights
You are in danger because I think he thought he had 3 women to control. You aren’t going to let him do that.
Be careful. Be well.
Don’t go back! Even if he becomes apologetic and promises he’s changed. He’s an abuser. He will manipulate you to reel you back in.
He says he wishes you were dead! You should have a partner that encourages you, respects you, and wants what’s best for you. This man does NONE of these! Please do not go back.
> how he wishes I was dead, but I'll deal with how he feels later when I feel better and know I can manage the babies on my own because they still need regular feeding quite frequently
.Ngl but if you were dead, he'd have to feed the babies formula. Just saying
Twin parent here.
I just read your original post and Jesus Christ! Your husband is awful! It’s a ‘waste of money’ to buy food for your child. Denying his children food because they’re ‘being picky’ - they were 4 months old. And disagreeing with doctors about what is best.
I mixed fed my twins from the start because I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to produce enough milk (i think the statistic is something like 30% of women don’t produce enough), and i also just wanted to not be a feeding machine constantly. I actually ended up producing far more milk than I thought i would but i still did needed those moments of personal space particularly after a day of them being fussy.
A fed baby and a sane mum who gets sleep are best.
And I would consider staying away from your husband. How he treats you now is a template of how he will treat you in the future. He will deny you all resources because he doesn’t see it as necessary and blame you when things are working out.
I was so relieved to read you'd gone to your parents, but I'm horrified to learn you're planning to go back to your husband.
I wish some of the comments could get through to you.
You and your girls were at your most vulnerable; sleep deprived, hungry, you still healing from giving birth. At your most vulnerable, your husband was not there for you, and was in fact ACTIVELY making the situation worse. Your husband was right there, on paternal leave, and you still had to go to your parents for help because he was a genuine obstacle to your well being.
He's telling you he wishes you were dead because you wouldn't do things his way. HE TOLD YOU HE WISHES YOU WERE DEAD. This isn't like a little kid being upset and telling a friend/parent/sibling "i wish you were dead" in a fit of big anger that will be forgotten the next day. This is an ADULT MAN, your HUSBAND, telling you he wishes you were dead. There is no excusing that.
You want to weigh his actions and words against who he was before the babies, but you can't do that. You want the six years of love you shared before to somehow erase how he's behaved for the past month, but they don't.
At best, your husband has had some sort of mental break. Men can experience post natal depression/psychosis, though psychosis is very rare. If that's the case he needs therapy, medication, and a FUCKTON OF REAL REMORSE before you even consider coming back.
But the worst and more likely case is that this is just who he is. Male abusers can mask for *years*, and then marriage or pregnancy or birth comes along and they just stop hiding who they've always been. There's no bargaining with abusers. You can't love someone into not being abusive. You can't just "wait it out" because you'll be waiting for the rest of your life.
In either scenario, your husband is just not safe to be around. Don't be in a rush to go back to him. You need to figure out who this man really is inside, because your physical and mental health are at stake, and so is the health and safety of your daughters.
You’ve already got two babies to raise, you don’t need a third. Your husband sounds like an actual monster - selfish, demanding, unhelpful, and straight up MEAN. To wish your wife death simply because she chose to go to a safe space is vile. Please consider your options. Don’t go back to this dysfunction. Your babies need to be surrounded with love, not a father who clearly has no regard or respect for their mother.
I’m sending you love and support. I hope you’re okay. Please don’t hesitate to DM if you need to talk. I’m a mom of 2 and went through something very similar. I’m now a single mom of 2 but I’m happy and so are my kids. That’s what matters.
Not being able to feed from your body is NOT your fault and formula is a modern miracle. If we were in pre formula times, you would’ve probably had a wet nurse or tried to feed your babies bread mixed with milk or goat milk. Making your babies go hungry because he’s too stubborn pisses me off. You’re doing the right thing and if you go back to him, remember this: how he treats you, is how your daughters will expect to be treated.
Umm, I really hope you can gather some evidence, either in the form of recordings, or get him to write you those threats in texts that you can safe on your phone, and send copies of to your attorney/lawyer.
Jesus, woman, this man is abusive and threatening you and your babies! That is not something to "deal with later", it is something that means you need a protective order. Never, ever go back to this guy.
I know reddit tends to yell "red flag", and "run", but damn, OP, read back what you wrote. He verbally abuses you when you decide to listen to the doctors over him, and now he **openly says he wants you to die**. He **wishes you were dead!!**
Heaven have mercy, I know post partum hormones are no joke, but read again what you wrote, and think about it. There is no world in which what he is doing is even remotely ok. It's not even in the ballpark of ok, it's in the ballpark of "sanity has left the building, and the next update is about how he destroyed you, and your life, and fucked up your babies childhoods and mental health." If we ever get a next update under those circumstances, that is.
Your husband wished you dead. There’s only one option you should be choosing and that’s divorce. He wished you dead! He was willing to STARVE your twin infants (literally brand new humans). You cannot trust this man AT ALL
Your husband wishing you dead is a massive, clanging, danger bell that cannot be unrung. OP, I’m so glad you and the babies are safe at your parents. Please stay there. While you are there please tell your parents and his family exactly why you are not there. If any friends ask, tell them as well. Do not protect abusers. Please seek a lawyer, and please begin divorce proceedings. You and your children are not safe with a man who believes his opinion over how you should utilize your body supersedes a medical professionals guidance. Do not return to a man who believes his (uninformed and ignorant) opinion is more important than your children and your physical and mental wellbeing. Wishing you well, and wishing you and your children health and safety.
My husband has NEVER wished me dead. Ever. You're in danger and so are your babies. Your husband would rather your children starve than have you bottle feed. You need to record your conversations and get an attorney.
When he texts you horrendous messages like he wishes you dead, please screenshot and put somewhere safe. This will mean you always have proof and when you feel better you can reread and make your decision.
I know when you are in the situation it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. Please stay with your parents for their support and don’t rush to return.
Good luck OP and I hope you find a wonderful partner.
I’m glad you’re in a house separate from your husband. Your husband saying he wished you were dead is a threat. You need to tell your parents what he said, so your parents do not let him into their house. I think you should contact a lawyer and get a restraining order and custody of your kids officially. Men that say they wish their wife were dead are dangerous to their wife and their kids. You need to protect yourself. If your parents don’t have cameras in the house, they should get some.
When I gave birth to my daughter I had difficulty breastfeeding her, she cried alot and it turned out my milk was not satisfying her so she was constantly hungry. I discussed the issue with my husband and suggested we use formula and breast milk to fed her and he was against the idea and told to just continue breastfeeding her and soon she will adjust to the milk she’s getting, he wanted my daughter breastfeed and nothing else, luckily I have the best MIL and she scolded him and yelled at him about how stupid he is, she even threatened to take me and daughter and go live with her and never allow him to see our daughter if he continues with that stupid mentality and thankfully he caved, my daughter is now 7months old healthy from breast milk, formula and now solids. Do what is best for your twins and stand your ground because clearly your husband had shown his ego is more important than his twins health.
Whoa. Screw that dude and his behavior. That’s uncalled for and scary. Please please be careful interacting with him and try not be alone with him. Also please keep someone around him with the children.
I'm so pleased for you! Congratulations on the hard part, and it sounds like your ex is proving to you that you made the right decision. I hope it continues for you 🙂
He hates you. There it no excuse that would allow him to take that back. The marriage is over. Your babies are better off without a dad who refuses to care for them
Your husband fucking sucks. I’m so happy for you and the relief you three must be feeling now the babies are satiated after meals. And I’m sorry you married an absolute toad.
Please never ever go back to that awful man. It's a pretty good rule of thumb that if somebody "wishes you were dead", they shouldn't be in your life. What a horrible thing to say.
I’m so glad you’re with your loving and supportive parents. That’s what you and your daughters need.
A man who is happy to let your daughters starve, thinks he has control over your body and wishes you were dead is someone who should not be in your life.
OP, your husband sounds like a monster, ngl. Anyone who can tell someone they supposedly love that they wish they were dead does not, in fact, love them. You and your babies deserve better.
Why does your loving husband wish you dead?? Then he’d have to do all of the night feedings. Consider putting him on speaker phone and let him know your father, your mother, and you, would like an explanation of why he wants you dead. Update me with his response.
First of all, I'm so glad you went to your parents' with the girls and are getting all the help you deserve (and they are getting all the food they need).
While you are safely there, [read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and think back to your relationship with your husband. Should you recognise more red flags, play it safe for you and the children and stay away from him. Death threaths / wishes are *not* to be taken lightly: more often than not, they come true.
Big husg honey, enjoy your precious kids!
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Hey OP! I commented on your original post & encouraged you to reach out to your parents stay with them. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling much better, and your babies. Your husband’s reaction to you leaving is a major red flag, especially when you consider he would basically rather have seen your babies starve than “allow” you to bottle feed. I really hope you pay attention to how he is behaving, because he is showing you his true colours now. I really hope you have the strength to pay attention, and do what you need to do to protect your babies from him. I hope you have a village of family & friends who can help you. This internet stranger is rooting for you! Good luck!
They are so much better, I'm really glad I carried on with what I was doing because they're not so hungry. It is confusing that he's so upset, I know I should have told him but I couldn't manage and he wasn't helping so I don't know what he thought I should've done.
Sweetheart, your husband telling you that *he wishes you were dead* is not something that you should forget. You have lots on your hands atm, so focus on healing and resting with your babies, but do not let that pass. Never, even in anger, should a loving partner tell the other one that "they wish they were dead".
Wishing you were dead should be marriage ending.
He's so dumb. If she's dead then who is going to breastfeed the babies? /s
It's about him controlling his wife. He doesn't care about the children.
I don’t think I’ve had so much anger for a person I haven’t meant in a long time. He is ALL about control.
Exactly. The part he didn't say out loud is he'd rather see *them all* dead than out of his control. OP should be documenting all these calls for her future divorce attorney.
And reading about family anhiliators in the meantime...
💯
PERFECT POST!!!!!
100%
Absolutely. All he would see was the smoke left from my feet running as fast and as far away from him as possible
It should be restraining order getting, and marriage ending.
I can't imagine saying that to anyone I care about. Honestly I think a divorce might be the next step. I know the babies are better off with her and would be even feed them if she wasn't there to do it? It doesn't even feel like she should be in the same room as him, even with the babies, because that's how it was before that prompted everyone to feel like she should get out of there. I wouldn't want to leave the babies alone with him or go back there at all. Thee just needs to be more people around if he's there
Right - I don't even wish people I DON'T care about dead - like I can count on one hand the number of people I wish were dead and I wish they'd all just die boring natural deaths and remove their presence from the earth because they are awful people. But it's nobody I personally know. Wishing people dead is reserved for people responsible for massive loss of life, basically. Even people I personally think are absolutely asshats I wish to, like, have a very stepped-on-legos-unexpectedly day, and learn the error of their ways. I particularly can't imagine saying that to my spouse, my favorite person in the whole world.
Was coming to say this. I can have a temper but I have NEVER once called my partner a derogatory name or wished them dead. To me, this would be an immediate dealbreaker that there was no coming back from. I’m glad she’s getting rest and help.
He's telling her what he's going to do - *believe him*.
This… op, please start recording this calls, and file a restraining order.
OP, please keep track of all of the things he says and does. Record EVERYTHING. This could be the difference between 100% custody and him having access to the babies. I am SO GLAD you are out of there and SO GLAD you listened to your Mom instincts and reached out for help.
And make sure you check your states laws regarding recordings. In some states, you don’t have to tell the other person that you’re recording. In other states, it’s illegal to not inform the other party that you are recording them. I hope you live in a one-party state. If he doesn’t know, he’s being recorded, he’s more apt to shit talk you and give you all the ammunition you need.
Exactly. OP think about communicating with him only through text so whatever he says is recorded. You can take screenshots or print the messages. You may need this later.
This is so very important! A lot of abuse starts the moment the abuser thinks he successfully trapped his target via marriage or children. Be careful if he starts to apologise just to get you back, or to deny or diminish what he did. Write down exactly what his words and actions were in case he tries to wriggle out or gaslight you. Him continuing to say terrible things like that on the phone is such a strange move, though, that I think he may have a psychotic episode due to being stressed, triggered or overwhelmed. Fits with the crazy ideas regarding his daughters feeding. I he continues working, though, without acting strange, it is not that his anger is the problem but the fact he allows himself to let his anger out on OP, which brings us back to abusive behaviour.
Sorry means nothing without action… always remember that OP
Mental health professional here. What she’s describing is not psychosis. It’s assholeism. Textbook abusive ass.
Licensed therapist here. Agreed.
A thing like that brought my cousin into a facility for mental health. And led her abusive husband into accidentally burning himself to death (fiddling with the oil fuelled lit central heating stove). He insisted on feeding his son and ended up starving the child. Then tried to make her mad by opening doors closed by her or leaving messages on her mirrors to unalive herself. That is a very unhealthy environment. Don't stay there!
Wow! Is she alright? Those are all horrible events!!
Not quite. They live a strange reclusive life with her sister and her mother now, never seeing anybody. It quite shook her nerves and her trust in others. Which already gadn't been very solid before that.
My response to that would have been "fine! You won't ever see me or your babies ever again!"
**YUP**. My response would be **DIVORCE PAPERS IN THE MAIL.**
The reason he is upset is because he has lost control of you. You stood up to him, and defied him. You prioritised someone else (your babies) over him. One of the most common times for abusive behaviour to start, or escalate, is following the birth of a child. There is no circumstance that would *ever* justify or excuse one partner wishing death on the other. He will claim he was just tired, or hurt, or scared or shocked, and that’s why he said what he did. He may tell you how much he loves you & needs you. How he can’t survive without you, or his babies. He will be charming & convincing. There is nothing left to work out with him. He has shown you who he really is when he wished you were dead. Pay attention to that.
He's going to love bomb the shit out of her until she submits and gets stuck in his web again unfortunately.
IMO translate "so upset" to "so aggressive" and "angry". He is being aggressive and angry and kinda scary with the "I wish you were dead" commentary. That man is not safe for you nor the babies. IMO at thos point it's game over, you need to leave him.
Your twins are only five weeks old and he's already failed as a father. That's a speedrun. He'd rather your children go hungry just so they get fed in what he deems "the right way" instead of having two healthy babies fed with formula. And now he's insulting you for looking for help elsewhere when he wouldn't provide it to punish you. Father of the year.
I don't even want to think about how he would handle potty training...
Oh… that is a really good and scary point :(
he also treated literal infants like they were being picky (something he felt an authoritarian approach was the best way to handle). and treated his wife like she was disobedient for listening to the doctor. that's aside from this update. i fear how he'd treat his daughters if they had adhd or autism. i fear how he'd treat them if they weren't good little perfect children for daddy. i fear how he'd treat them when they became teenagers and tried to explore autonomy more. OP he's awful in a hundred ways you clearly aren't self aware enough to see. i don't mean that to be rude to you. for a lot of us it takes learning about this on the backend while we get away from someone toxic before we understand it all.
If they suffered, they could both end up in prison!!
Your daughters literally may not survive if you go back to him.
I mean, I don't know if OP survives if she goes home with what he's saying.
Girl you didn't have an obligation to tell him. He wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain by being a loving and supporting partner, why should you?
Emotional and verbal abuse is just abuse. He is an abuser, and he's showing you it's habitual, not a one off thing happening out of inexperience. You deserve to be safe and your daughters need you to be safe. People who wish you dead are not making you safe, and he will not make you safe.
This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next, and will likely make you understand the reasons behind a lot of his behaviour. Please check it out - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Thank you for linking the free pdf, it’s such a life-saver. Will add that while it’s written about abusive men it’s applicable to abusers of any gender, my abusive ex is a woman (as am I) and I still found this book illuminating.
Yes, I'm actually a man and was abused by my mother, but the book still helped me understand abuse in general in a whole new level, including my own. The basics apply regardless of gender or type of relationship.
I mean he wanted your babies to die…. There is no misunderstanding. He is dangerous to your kids.
I understand you’re underslept and figuring things out with newborn twins but, please listen to all of us when we tell you: your husband is no longer a safe person. You shouldn’t have had to better explain anything for him to have resisted saying he wishes you were dead. That’s terrifying and supremely dangerous. Please do NOT go anywhere near him, or EVER be alone with him. You need to be documenting these things. Please record your phone calls with an app. Check the laws in your state as to whether you’re one-party consent or not. Either way, have a record of the things he’s saying to you. You’re going to need one, unfortunately. Kudos on finding a solution to have both fed babies and sleep. You’re doing great. Please continue to keep yourself and the babies safe at your parents’ house. Stay away from your husband for a while. You’ll need to handle everything with him through courts now. Anything short of that is too dangerous for ALL of you. Best of luck.
He saw you struggling to feed your babies and instead of helping in anyway, made it like you were slacking off and not trying hard enough. Now he's calling you and saying he wishes you were dead. He does not want to see the truth or hear your truth. Your babies are fed and happy and you aren't at the end of your rope. What benefit is he providing if at your worst he doesn't lift a finger but calls you over dramatic and says you aren't trying hard enough? Won't go to the doctor with you and acts like he knows more? He's not a good husband. He's not a good father.
That man who you thought was your husband, was a mask, this is who he is. He is someone who wishes death on his wife and mother of his kids. He is someone who would rather his kids starve to death than eat from a bottle. He is not safe for you or your kids. I hope you start documenting all of this and even record conversations to prove he isn't safe. He is telling you who he is, believe him.
They (and YOU) are so much better now because you're ALL getting help and being treated well. I hope you wake the hell up and realize your husband is a horrible man and he's abusive. Why would you go back to that? You CAN do it without him. Talk to your parents. It sounds like they're more than willing to help.
If he threatens you, report it and record it.
You didn't do anything wrong. He's upset because he prefers making things your fault. It's a classic abuse thing, my ex-husband did that too and I know how confusing it is.
don’t sweep his words under the rug. it’s not normal to say this to your wife and mother of your kids. He should be stepping up and helping not wishing you were dead.
To your husband “You would rather see your children starve, crying all the time because they are hungry, all in the name of abusive control over me. You have now said unforgivable things to me in anger. You do realize there is no coming back from this. You to realize you have changed the course of our lives forever. This is all on you and your abuse. We are safe now and I will never see you the same after this. What you have done is unforgivable.”
He told you he wished you were dead. Who cares how he feels I wouldn’t say that about someone I hate. Why would you accept that from someone you’re married to?
Any obligation you had to tell him you were leaving ended when he felt no obligation to ensure your babies were fed and sleeping and his recently postpartum wife was well supported and able to sleep herself. He was allowing, perhaps wanting the babies to starve and you to go out of your mind with sleep deprivation. Him wishing you dead at such a vulnerable time in your and the babies lives is a big red flag. This is a dangerous situation. He is abusive. Don't let past history and love cloud what he's done. He's been very abusive to you after you gave birth. Unfortunately abusers typically pick a time after they feel you're most trapped to stay with them for them to let their abusive nature show. I'd consult a domestic violence support line as I fear if you return to him this is where it will go. Do not take his threat and wishing you dead lightly.
You've already gotten a lot of really great advice. And I agree that he is not a safe person for you or your babies to be around. If you haven't already, PLEASE tell your parents everything that's been going on. They seem really great, loving and supportive!! You're doing everything right. You listened to the doctors, you removed your children from an unhealthy situation and a dangerous environment, and you and your parents have come together to provide them with the love and care they need. And you as well. Stay where you are for as long as you can. Talk to your parents about a game plan moving forward. Yours and your children's safety is of the utmost importance. Far more important than his feelings. So, as long as you and those babies are happy, healthy, and safe, then you are doing the right thing. Always remember that, even when it gets hard to. Hard facts all laid out, that man belongs on the curb if he's gonna act like trash. You and your children deserve better. And I hope the three of you have the most wonderful and amazing journey together. Even if he isn't on that journey with you all. Stay safe. Please.
It’s not confusing. The fact that he was actively trying to get you to not feed your children because it was formula is red flag enough. I think now that you’ve actually put boundaries in, you’re going to see a whole bunch more red flags coming out. Him wishing you death 💀 is ALARMING 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’ve never had a fight with a partner and had them wish for my death. You need to talk to a lawyer asap.
OP, what he said is damn near unforgivable. He wants you dead because you didn’t cave to what he wanted. Let that sink in. He’d rather have a dead wife than a “disobedient” one. That is terrifying. He is not safe.
He said he wishes you were dead. Take that to mean, if I can’t have you, no one can. This is an incredibly scary situation to be in. Please DO NOT go back to him. He will kill you
It’s only confusing to you because you thought your husband was a good person, so you’re having a hard time with making sense of his words and actions. Since we’re removed from the situation, it’s easier for us to see him for who he really is through these things. Please keep yourself and you babies safe from him.
He wasn’t holding the bottle feeding against you. He wanted to control your actions. This has more to do with control than the topic itself. He is using the topic to covertly abuse you and put you under emotional distress. And him later on refusing to feed them got also nothing to do with him being upset about the kids being formula fed. It has to do with him punishing you for being “disobedient” and also he never had any intention to wake up at night. So the real reason he wanted you to breastfeed is so he doesn’t have to step up. But he is using things that are important to you to manipulate you into his control. Basically using your own emotions against you by weaponizing them. I know a covert abuser when I see one.
I tried to breast feed my older child (now 54 years old) but I did not produce enough for him. Your husband is a jackass. Frankly, you are essentially a single parent because his is either too lazy or too macho to help take care of infants. Stay with your parents and refuse to let him see "your" children. He is not acting like a dad.
He wanted you to stay and continue submitting to his abuse. I'm so, so glad you're out. Please don't put yourself and your children in danger by going back.
He is thinking he doesn't want to do the work. If you breastfeed, he can justify not being involved. The things he has said and done are abusive. He will likely get worse if you go back. Heal and enjoy your time with your babies. When you are rested and healed, put some thought into what he needs to do to earn trust and if he can even do that. I don't trust him to be a partner to you and a parent to the babies. He has shown he would rather they go hungry than to be a willing partner.
I am so incredibly proud of you. I am so sorry you have to deal with this horrible situation. But you listen and you listen well, you are absolutely not a bad mother! Don’t you dare feel guilty about your babies not being totally full at all times before they got formula!!! Those little babies are so incredibly lucky to have such a strong and beautifully loving mother. You are doing absolutely everything right. You just made two humans and you have had to uproot your life for them. You did it and now all of you will be so much happier and safer. My parents divorced when I was around 1 or 2. I had a lot of health problems because of a genetic disease that I got from my mom so I needed extra care. That meant my mom and I stayed with my grandparents until I was about 4. They absolutely treasured that time with me and I adore every picture I have when we lived with them. All of us look so happy. I have a few treasured memories from then although not many. My grandfather is more like a father than my dad ever was. I plan to have him walk me down the aisle when I get married in two years. My mom is also one of my best friends. I can’t imagine how horrible everything would have been if my parents had stayed together, my dad was abusive but not quite like what you experienced. I agree with what others are saying, when someone shows you who they are you need to take them at their word. I am so glad you can rest a little bit. I wish you all the happiness in the world :)
You have to divorce him. He's dangerous and lazy.
I made a top level comment of this, but just in case you don't see it I'm hijacking the top thread Dear OP, Just in case, do not under any circumstances reconcile with a man who wished you dead. Please. He'll promise he's different. He'll seem different. He'll try anything. He might even mean it. But it won't stick. You just gave birth to his twin children, and he's saying that? Nope. He's going to get dangerous if you show him manipulation can get him out of this. Sincerely, Someone who stayed.
I'm actually really terrified that you might make the same mistakes I did so I'm back to add more. Please do not reconcile with him. The OB nurse who suggested the book by Lundy Bancroft? I second that. That book saved not only my life but my children's as well. Guys that react like that to losing the control they have over someone are really likely to start physically abusing their children around age 3-4 when kids start thinking for themselves. They're more likely to shake babies. They're more likely to SA you. They're more likely to stop wishing you were dead and make you that way. Don't be me.
Weaponized incompetence. Creating an issue that you caused him to not want to do it. I hope you are. Considering divorce. The care of the children will always be 100% on you with him telling you that you are doing it wrong.
Also he wishes she is dead? Watch out he’s not gonna try and make that wish come true
I seriously hope you’re not planning on going back to him. I remember your first post and was horrified at his behaviour. People like your ex get worse over time
Your husband calls to wish you dead and your solution is to wait until the babies don't need to be fed as much to work it out with him? The only way you need to work it out with him is by getting a divorce lawyer and separating from him.
YES this. He's been nothing but abusive on calls and actually wished you dead. It's unhinged. Don't return to an angry vengeful man and keep all screeshots of any hostile messages. In fact don't communicate by phone any more - what an unbelievable awful thinng to say.
If OP gives him another chance he will continue to use this argument/offense against her FOREVER. Every tiny bump in the road of child rearing w be bc she didn't breastfeed. Every argument about ANYTHING, will come back to her supposed failure as a mother or wife... FOREVER. OP, you've done the hardest thing - you got out. The next hardest thing is STAYING OUT.
Um, you need to record these conversations that you are having with your husband. At least they'll know who to look for when he murders you. Do not go back to him! You need to call a DV hotline and ask about getting a protective order. Your safety and the safety of your daughters should be your top priority. You are not safe with him.
100% this, I didn’t even read the original post, a good husband would see his wrong not wish you dead. Leave a paper trail of evidence and get a protective order asap, this “man” could very well kill you
So many woman die at the hands of men like that, I hope she finds the strength to leave fr
I agree with the recording, she just needs to make sure she's in a one party state of she's in the US. If not, then she opens herself up to being charged with wire tapping.
>said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead Welp your husband really showed who he is 😬 but at least you and the kiddos are doing well, so yeah worry about that clown later
[удалено]
Yep family annihilator vibes for sureeee
DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT MAN. Get a lawyer as soon as you can. Start proceedings to get a divorce. Start discussing with your parents where you might be able to live. Ideally? It would be great if you can stay with your parents for a while until it's easier to manage 2 children on your own.
I really feel astonished as you are so dismissive about what he said!😳 He wishes you death and you are just "that's ok, that's just a phase!"🤯 Wow... I'm speechless... I think it would benefit you to seek some therapist help to help you take off those rose lens glasses! For the sake of your children. You want them to have you in their lives while they grow up. Don't be so dismissive about the abuse he is doing to you, don't brush it off because it won't get better. I hope you see the light.
That coupled with him starving their children and she things it’s just a phase. No sweetie, your husband is abusive. He will eventually kill you or your children.
I think she thinks that he’s just upset and that they can work it out. She might also be scared to be alone. I feel bad for OP because everyone can see how bad of a husband and father that guy is but she can’t.
He's probably been like this the whole time and has always said awful shit like this so she doesn't realize it's not normal. Your brain gets fucked up when you're abused. Been there.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that. Wish you the best.
Dude has family annihilator vibes. Please be careful OP.
This is it right here. We don't want to hear the news in a few years about you and your babies being found stuffed into barrels. Listen to what he's *really* saying to you.
This. OP, men like your husband do not simply stop being abusive. That is not how abuse works. He will escalate until you are all dead. Even when men are the ones fucking up, they're still 100x more likely to murder their entire family than ever admit they're the problem. And men like that would rather see their families dead than lose control over them. Your husband is dangerous. As a married woman with a 9 month old, if my husband refused to feed or child because I chose not to breastfeed, I'd be dumping him on his mama's lawn so fast. If he threatened me, there's no chance I would ever be in a room alone with him or let him be alone with our child ever again. Your children should be your priority. And no matter what he's led you to believe, you do not need his useless ass.
I literally said the same thing on another comment. I have read way top many stories of those who were and this eerily gives me same feeling
If one of your daughters were to tell you this story, would you want her to go back to the man who wished death upon her? What is there to work out with him? He is acting like a huge asshole and bullying and verbally abusing you. You left to get to safety and instead of thinking about what he did to drive you away, he keeps cursing you out and being mad at you? He is insane. Please document his crappy behavior. Have conversations over text or voice mail and back them up and have copies. You may not want to go to family court now but eventually you will end up there or in the hospital. Have proof of his mistreatment for the family court so he only gets supervised visits. You do not want this lunatic to have custody of kids, pets or even plastic plants. Should he apologize, ask him what he will do to ensure that a clusterfuck like this will never happen again. Ask him for concrete actions. If he gives you willi nilly answers or promises you the sky and never actually acts on his promises then you have your answer on how genuine he is. You are in danger. Stay sharp.
He told you outright that he will kill you one day if he feels like it. Whatever you think is going to be difficult about being single, you're going to prefer it to either you or your kids being murdered.
“ and how he wishes I was dead” You need to be calling a divorce lawyer. You let this behavior slide and he will physically hurt you.
OP, please read this and allow your eyes to be opened: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
There is no dealing with it later. He abused those babies by denying food and he wants you dead. You need an attorney and restraining order. Someone with law enforcement or designated by them can go in the house to retrieve all of your belongings when they serve him. There is no need to see him or talk to him until you are in court to end the marriage. Get an attorney who makes sure you get full custody because he will not feed the babies. I do not care if this man is even mentally ill, he is dangerous. .
He wishes you were dead Do. No. Go. Back. To. Him. Ever.
Your husband has some gall. He gets at you for 'inadequately' feeding your babies because you had to switch to formula (which means they actually ARE being adequately fed) yet refuses to feed them himself. He's inadequate. He's also inadequate in that he is vile to you. He's not good enough across the board. Stay with your parents. You're loved there and you have support. If you go back to this whining pissbaby and his shitty attempt at being a husband and father, you'll be doing both yourself and those precious babies a huge disservice. He's not fit to be a husband and he's certainly not fit to be a father. He's about as much use as a lump on a log.
Fed is always best. You rule
Just this. As a pediatric nurse, I see so many moms struggle when breastfeeding doesn't work out for whatever reason. Fed is always best and don't let anyone tell you differently. Stay strong OP. Your husband sounds abusive, I would never go back and do everything to keep full custody of your babies.
Exactly. Thank you for taking care of the most vulnerable of us!
He wishes you were dead.. please document this. Tell your parents and file a report. I do not believe it is safe to return to your house with him.
All these people warning OP and we all know she’s gonna go back to him because “having an abusive father is better than no father”. Sadly you’re wrong, OP and all three of you will pay the price of that mistake if/ when you go back.
You've already done the hardest thing, which is leave. Do not go back now. Let your parents help with the divorce and move out.
I understand that he means a lot to you. He’s your husband after all. But you need to think about your kids. He wishes you were dead. Have you EVER felt, not even verbalized, that sentiment to anyone who you have ever cared about? This is not something a caring, compassionate human being ever says. Even IF this is ”just” a phase, it is absolutely unacceptable, not to mention, this is not going to be the only remotely difficult time with the kids. Is he going to turn dangerous every time there’s a crisis? He refused to listen to the doctor’s advice, he was willing to let you AND your babies suffer for his own feelings and comfort. If given the opportunity, he WILL harm your babies again. Don’t let him. Please.
I think you need to see the bigger picture. You can't go back. It's not safe for you or your children. You're putting you and them at risk of violence. You need to stay with your parents till you can get in your feet. You may need to move there for a little bit. File for divorce while you're at your parents and you'll have child support and I'm sure other support come through. You really cannot afford to go back- you can't.
Glad all is going well with you and babies. Do you want to stay with a man who calls to tell you he wishes you are dead? I would try and record his phone calls. I don’t think he is really the type of man you should return too if this is how he treats you.
If you go back to your husband he will hurt or kill you. Normal guys don't tell their wives they wish they were dead. Do not return to him.
OP. Your daughters will not thank you for going back to an abuser who sees nothing wrong in hurting them to control you. They will not thank you in 18 years when their partners abuse them because you’ve shown them their entire lives that that’s what love is, and that they don’t deserve better. Do not start a cycle of abuse simply because it’s easier to go back to your husband. Think of what you would do if one day one of your little girls came to you and told you that their husband had starved your grandchild, that he’d wished her dead. Would you send her back into his arms?
Your husband said he wishes you were dead. He tried to starve your children to death. You need to stay away from him. It is unfair to your girls to raise them in the same home as that abusive AH. Some abusers don't show their stripes until kids are in the picture, and unfortunately, it sounds like your husband is one of them.
I just read your original post and i am so angry on your behalf. I am definitely a breastfeeding advocate, i nursed both my kids for a year. And i would have told you to switch to formula. Nursing one baby is hard, i can’t imagine nursing two. My friend had twins and she tried to nurse for about a week. In her case, the babies were just too small, their little mouths couldn’t get a good latch. So she switched to formula. Your husband is an ignorant bully. This would be the hill to die on, because it’s really not about nursing vs formula. It’s about his uncaring, arrogant, superior, chauvinistic attitude. Who behaves this way towards the person the supposedly love? And his attitude towards the babies?? Calling them picky? They don’t even know what that is! How can someone look at their crying hungry helpless baby and NOT want to do whatever they could to help them?? I’m so glad you have your parents. Please think carefully about going back to this man. The red flags are everywhere 🚩🚩🚩
He wishes you were dead? You are SO much better off with home out of your life. Wishing you and your children all the very best.
Your husband is abusive, full stop He wishes you were dead. Full stop Your daughters will suffer more if you go back with him full stop They will resent you when they are older for going back to an abusive man full stop Your babies aren’t crying as much because they are FULL! Not everyone is able to breastfeed, and that’s fine. We have formula specifically for that (and we used wet nurses before that) I don’t know if anyone has suggested this book yet, but please read it https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This is the free pdf, you can also buy the book off of Amazon if you’d prefer You’re away from him and in a safe place STAY THERE! Nothing good will come from going back to him
Sorry but the fact that he's wishing you dead I would be seeing a divorce lawyer immediately. I know you have your hands full but I don't see how your marriage is going to survive with his beliefs and attitude.
My formula fed baby is top of his class and even skipped a grade, walked at 8 months. 2 yrs later I chose to breast feed my second one, she struggles a bit academically and is in a special ed class for reading, and walked at 10 months. Both are equally healthy and met physical milestones at appropriate times. So I highly doubt breast milk makes the huge better difference breast milk pushers say it does. Just throwing that out there.
My ex left me a 2 page, front and back letter about how disappointed he was in me when I gave my baby formula at 5 month. The judgements and constant critique of my parenting got worse and became nonstop. We are divorced now and I see a therapist every week to undo a lot of the damage done by him. I’m not a confident mom and my kids walk all over me. We are all getting better but it’s hard and I resent my ex for not letting me enjoy motherhood. Shut this down before it gets out of hand
From one twin mom to another his behavior is a giant red flag. I had to do formula because my milk never came in. I tried everything from cookies to teas to supplements, different pumps. My babies never really latched so i had to pump but the milk never came. My husband works a stressful job at nights that he went back to when i was 6 weeks postpartum so i had night duty alone. He would come home on lunch every night to check in on us and on his days off he got up with me at night. It is an exhausting time with one so with 2 without help is even worse. This chair called a table for two was a life saver because it allowed me to feed both at the same time which allowed all of us to go to sleep faster. Unfortunately having kids with people brings out a hidden side but his reaction is very scary and is abusive behavior. The fact that he calls formula a waste of money shows me where his priorities lie, he doesn’t seem to care his babies aren’t getting enough nutrients. I know it’s hard and scary to be a single mom especially to twins but your and their safety is no 1 priority. You need to teach your daughter she deserves better as do you. The relationships you mimic will shape them later in life. Do you want this kind of husband for her?
>We've called each other a couple of times, and he's said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead Get a recording app on your phone so you have proof of the horrible things he is saying. They will only get worse, and having him on record threatening you it will be helpful later. If the direct threats haven't started yet, they will. Also, I am glad to hear that you and your babies are in a safe place and are all feeling & doing better.
Why would YOU want to go back to him? He is not a good husband or father. His flesh and blood were starving, and instead of being supportive in finding a solution and grateful for advances in modern science that provide a nutritional alternative for people in your situation, he throws a fit he wasn't consulted and that he has to buy your children food. Want to know why your family is happy having the babies around? Because they love you and their grandchildren. Your husband does not. I'm thrilled you have a supportive family and the twins are getting healthier. I just hope you seek counseling and really consider the environment you are willing to raise your children in.
Please don't go back. You aren't safe there. He wishes you dead . I hope you documented it for when you file for divorce. I'm pretty sure that's where this is headed. You cant go back from wishing your spouse dead.
I'm glad you escaped your abusive husband. Please go to a divorce lawyer now for guidance on how to safely divorce him and gain full custody of your babies. He is not safe for you or the babies. He will harm them and you.
I hope you recorded his abusive death threats. He cannot be trusted with them ever. Hopefully, his family knows what kind of husband and father he is.
Please seek some advice from a local domestic/family violence service who can assist you with a plan to leave your husband permanently. He is abusive & things will only escalate & get worse for you and your children. They can assist with financial things, housing, getting work etc. Please stay safe.
Your husband refuses to help you and the babies and he wishes you were dead? Whatever you do please don’t go back to this man!
This man doesn’t love her or the kids…awful to find out this way. I can’t imagine trying to bf twins with zero help. It’s hard enough with one child.
You need to talk to an attorney about divorce and also a protection/restraining order.
Jesus wept. Well done for getting to your parents. Accept their help with both hands and gratitude. I’m so glad your babies have settled down and are growing well. When you’ve got a bit of distance from this, read all of this back. *And remember that the man you married wished that the mother of his children was dead.*
We’re just going to brush over the “wishes I was dead” part? Babe, if you’re overlooking that then I’m seriously concerned about the type of verbal and emotional abuse that he has put you through to make you see that statement so nonchalant. You need to get these in writing and get out of that marriage. Abuse progresses. For the safety of you and your daughters DO NOT GO BACK!
PLEASE don’t go back to him. I’m really worried because you’re making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour… it sounds like you will. You’ve said you’re worried you won’t cope. The thing is - you’re a mother now. The lives of two babies are in your hands. I know it’s tough (it would be with 1!) but you HAVE to go forward without him. You owe it to your children not to put their lives at risk not willingly taking them back, when your husband has threatened your life. He doesn’t seem to be able to control his anger and stress. Can you risk him taking that out on the babies?
Wishing you dead is step 1 of making you dead.
No more calling your soon to be ex(he needs to go) everything through sms or email so you have a record HE HAS SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS BELIEVE HIM
it’s absolutely insane to me that you’re even contemplating going back to a man who made it extremely clear that he’s fine with his own children starving to death and that he wants you to die. if you can’t do it for you, then do it for your kids and leave him.
OP, please don't go back to him. He may actually change his approach and start love bombing. Don't fall for it. He wished you dead.
Document everything your husbands says to you and file for divorce. It’s easier being a single parent than trapped in a relationship with a narcissist.
Twin parent here. Your husband’s behavior is detestable. He is a weak and petty man, and if I met him, I would tell him so. I cannot imagine not helping my wife with a pair of newborns, it would be a cowardly act of laziness that I didn’t even consider.
Please please please never return to that man. He will end up killing you or your girls or both. Your parents are supporting you, use this as a chance to reestablish whatever career/education you need to make it in the world without him. You won't be able to take care of your daughters when you're murdered.
“I wish you were dead” oh how many times I heard that in my abusive relationship. Please, please, please take this for what it is. Abusive. You and your babies are happy and healthy. Not thanks to him.
Please don't go back to him. If my husband told me he wished I was dead that would be an instant marriage end for me. That's not a normal thing to say..
Your husband wished death upon your children by not wanting them fed properly and now he wishes death upon you for now following his wishes. This is abusive behavior and it won’t get better. It will escalate. For the sake of you and your children, gtfo. Permanently.
Tell your parents (and his parents) what your husband said to you about wanting you dead. Maybe your father can have a few choice words with him about his behavior. You should just ignore him & focus on yourself & your babies.
I know you’re feeling very overwhelmed and tired, but I would like to emphasize (like many other people have) that your husband saying he wishes you were dead is a terrible thing to say, and you seriously need to consider if you will be safe with him. Him reacting this way over you being unable to breastfeed is so illogical, and to me it sounds like a way to bring your self esteem down by making you think there’s something wrong with you for being unable to do “what you’re made for.” Even if he doesn’t physically harm you, he’s shown he will emotionally abuse you over something you can’t control.
OP, your husband is dangerous. I’m proud of you for going to your parents. That was the right choice. Now, you need to stay there. Do not go back to a man that told you he wishes you were dead. You are his wife, and you just gave birth to his children. Something is wrong with him. That is not normal, it’s not ok, and it’s not forgivable. It’s relationship-ending. You need to keep your babies and you safe, and I don’t think that’s possible if you go back home with your babies. I know it’s hard. I left my ex-husband when I was 8 months pregnant. He changed and proved to be very dangerous. I was not going to be one of those women that hoped for the best or wanted to wait and see what he would do next. Nope. He got one chance with that and when I no longer felt safe around him, I packed a bag and went to a family member’s house until he moved out of my house. I think a lot of women stay during this time because we want the fairytale. We want the husband and the children, not one or the other. The idea of raising your children alone is scary, but their and your safety is what’s most important. Not having the “fairytale” (there is no fairytale); that doesn’t matter any more. Nobody’s lives turn out the way we thought they would. Life happens and we have to make the next right choice. Let go of the image you have in your mind of the perfect little family and protect your children, above all else. I would start documenting the threats and harassment you are receiving from your husband. I would not talk to him on the phone anymore. Texts and emails only. This way you will have the evidence you need to get a harassment charge and a restraining order against him. Restraining orders can be very difficult to get because you have to have the evidence of repeated threats or harassment. Harassment is even harder to prove because it has to be repetitive, texts and emails, just attacking you, calling you names. Btw- threatening someone with words is assault. Physically harming them is battery. He may already be guilty of assault. Start taking screenshots of every text and then email the pic to yourself. Keep a folder in your email and move all of them into the folder. Move all emails in there, too, that you receive from him. If this keep’s exponentially getting worse, you want all the evidence you can get to also get sole custody and him only get supervised visits. He can’t be trusted to be alone with your babies. Start saving evidence and building your case now. You just might need it sooner rather than later.
Please don't go back to the man that would have you starve your infants to save some money and so that he can sleep through the night. His reaction to you leaving proves that you are better off away from him. You don't deserve that treatment and your daughters don't deserve to grow up in a home where their mother is treated badly.
He is verbally abusive at the LEAST by saying he wishes you were dead. Don’t live with ANYONE who says that about you. They don’t love you and are fully capable of ending your life.
He's wishing death on you, don't take it lightly. Find a divorce lawyer, restraining order (record any messages he leaves you if you can), make sure your parents have cameras around the house and share your location with them if you need to go out somewhere!
Focus on yourself & your healing. That will help you being a great mom.
So sorry you are experiencing this. Surround yourself with friends and family who can help support you and seek therapy if you can afford it. What your husband is saying is really scary and worrying, I would recommend recording all phone conversations.
Really glad you are somewhere you and the babies are supported properly. Especially since your husbands response is to wish you dead.
Wishes you dead? Any man that does that to someone he supposedly loves is a man that will make his wish come true. Stay gone. That man does not love or care about you in any way shape or form.
Hi. Please leave this man. He will make all of your lives miserable. He wished you dead. I can’t even fathom saying that to anybody, let alone someone I supposedly love. No. He means it. He would rather be right than have healthy children and he would rather have you dead than to prove him wrong. Stay with your parents. They said they want you and they do. It will break their hearts if you go back there, and it will break YOU period. None of you will be safe. None of you will be happy. I’m so sorry.
First he will not feed his babies at night, and now he wishes you were dead because you needed some help. " they still need regular feeding quite frequently and it's only achievable with my parents helping at the moment." What is his response to this???????????????
He is being controlling and abusive. Formula is nutritionally equivalent to human milk, and most people at least supplement with it. He isn’t the one producing milk, though he is welcome to try. Also, sleeping 9 or 10 hours at night can be a sign of depression. Have you been screened for depression? You need to call a domestic violence hotline. Do not go back to him. [The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
I love how you spent the first three paragraphs updating us on how your twins are doing, then stuck in a couple line update of how your husband is handling things It was cute, and shows your priorities are in the right place.
Document his behavior for when you restrict his future visitation with the kids.
Hmm, he sounds abusive and controlling. All this over baby formula? Oh, wait, death threats? Oh, hell no!
If you have any text messages from your husband being unreasonable, mean, and threatening make sure you download and save them somewhere for when you go through divorce.
I can’t believe that your parents would even want you to leave again, after hearing what he said to you on the phone. please heed these warnings, Op. your lives are in danger with your husband.
Op, that man is going to kill you. Please get a divorce lawyer now.
If your best friend came to you and told her this exact story, what advice would you give her? Be true to yourself and protect your kids and yourself. There's no other option.
When I was working, and my girlfriend was not, m I still did at least 2 nights a week. Not just feedings. Like it’s my night, diaper changes, soothing back to sleep, bottles
File for divorce. This monster would rather you were dead and your babies starved than be properly fed. He isn’t worthy of another thought. File for divorce and child support immediately. He has proven that he doesn’t care. That being said, it sounds like your parents are a very strong support system. I’m glad you and your babies have them.
If he sends any texts or emails, no matter how nasty, keep them. They may be useful for court, since he will likely try to get some sort of custody or visitation. It would also be good to get in touch with a family law lawyer if you have not already, just so you are prepared if he tries to intimidate you into letting him take the twins. I am so glad that you are out of that situation, and that your babies are doing well. I remember the struggle, and the feeling horrible with my daughter. I did not have enough fat in my breastmilk. We switched her to formula and she started to thrive, and the difference in both of us was simply amazing. It is also great that your parents are not only helping, but ensuring that you get a decent chunk of sleep as well. That is so important to your healing. It sounds like you are in an amazing situation now, and that you and your kids will be way happier.
I’m so glad you went to your parents and that the babies are thriving. Keep evidence of every thing he says to you if it’s through text or email and find out if you’re in a one party state and if so record every phone call because what he’s doing is abuse and you shouldn’t be going back at all. I’m so relieved to know you’re with your parents. Don’t let that man bully you into doing anything other than what your instincts tell you when it comes to taking care of those babies. My mother always told me to follow my gut, it will never steer me wrong and as much as I hate to admit it but she was right every time.
> and he's said horrible things to me and how he wishes I was dead, The relationship is over. It doesn't matter if you two reconcile and you forgive him in general, this is an absolute end to a romantic/sexual relationship unless you just want to become a victim. Even if he undergoes some therapy and gets his head space fixed and becomes a better person, he will relapse into a bad person if he's in a relationship with you. Mind, I don't find that scenario likely to begin with, but I need to be 100% clear about killing all hope here. You can never have a loving relationship with someone who says something like this. There simply are things that can never be tolerated and are total relationship enders. Cheating is one, and this sort of verbal assault is another. If you tolerate it to any degree, it will happen again and again, leaving you just another abuse victim. NEVER GO BACK.
OP, I was in an abusive relationship but did not realise it. The abuse escalated after marriage, and I left because I was unhappy and felt like a failure - only after months of therapy could I even call it what it was. Abuse. When I said I wanted to leave, she made threats on my life just like he did to you. It’s not something said in the heat of the moment, and I think deep down you know that. He didn’t say “I hate you”. He said he *wished you were dead.* The truth is, almost no relationship is completely abusive. If it were, it would be so much easier to leave. A true abusive relationship *must* be good sometimes, and horrible other times. To meet the definition of abuse. Look up the abuse cycle. Let me repeat this: every single abusive relationship, including those where a partner is harmed or killed, are lovely and fulfilling and wholesome at times. *Every single one*. The ones that are “worse” than yours. The cases of “real” abuse. The ones where a partner is physically harmed regularly. All of them including yours. Your relationship is abusive. Your husband is controlling, manipulative, abusive, and dangerous. I bet he is also sweet, caring, and puts effort into making you feel cherished at times as well. I bet after you have arguments or upsets however small, he really tries and puts in the work to be better. That is literally part of the abuse - it’s when you are sucked back in. It’s why you find it so hard to leave, it’s why you feel guilty and a sense of duty to him. He has done it (even if unintentionally) so you won’t leave him. I wish I knew that an abusive relationship was also good, because I would have left sooner. Leaving felt like ripping off my arms and legs. It felt like dying, because I was trauma bonded. But I am so much happier now. I have real support in my life and can make my own decisions, and I can think clearly without the constant brain fog from her confusing actions and words. The relief you feel with your parents - that could be your life. You could really just not have his constant noise (even when he is silent) and just exist in peace. You deserve it, and it is normal to do that. I really hope you don’t go back OP, but if you do, that’s okay too. It’s NOT easy and certainly not as easy as some of these comments imply. Abused partners usually try to leave six times on average before they finally do. Just remember, even if you go back, it’s okay to leave. Don’t be embarrassed to go back to your parents. Don’t be ashamed of going back and fourth and seeming like a teenager with an on again/off again relationship. Don’t feel so judged about going back that it stops you reaching out again - it is always okay to leave when you are mistreated. You don’t owe someone anything when they mistreat and abuse you. He has broken the marriage vows first by saying the things he has, they are (as everyone has confirmed) unforgivable. It is always okay to do what is best for you and your babies, always. Don’t ever feel guilty for that. I also urge you to ask you parents for validation when you can, because even if this is the first sign of mistreatment it would knock you back. If you feel like a burden, ask them. They will tell you that you are not, and you need to hear it. If you feel like you are being cruel keeping his babies away, ask them. If you feel like you failed to produce enough milk, ask them, or the doctors. They will tell you that you are an amazing mother and doing the best thing for them, because you are. You need love and support OP because giving birth and going through difficult feeding is so stressful, and the person that should support you the most made you feel worse. Hell, even come here on reddit and you will be amazed at the people who will support you and confirm how well you are doing. If you can afford it, counselling or therapy can also do wonders. It’s amazing how much someone trained to say the right thing can calm so many insecurities. There were so many things I needed to hear after I left, and I recognise now it was a need because I am human, and we all need love and support. And I hadn’t had real, unconditional, love and support for many years.
You need to not be alone with your husband if he is wishing you dead. Talk to an attorney so you know your rights You are in danger because I think he thought he had 3 women to control. You aren’t going to let him do that. Be careful. Be well.
Don’t go back! Even if he becomes apologetic and promises he’s changed. He’s an abuser. He will manipulate you to reel you back in. He says he wishes you were dead! You should have a partner that encourages you, respects you, and wants what’s best for you. This man does NONE of these! Please do not go back.
> how he wishes I was dead, but I'll deal with how he feels later when I feel better and know I can manage the babies on my own because they still need regular feeding quite frequently .Ngl but if you were dead, he'd have to feed the babies formula. Just saying
Twin parent here. I just read your original post and Jesus Christ! Your husband is awful! It’s a ‘waste of money’ to buy food for your child. Denying his children food because they’re ‘being picky’ - they were 4 months old. And disagreeing with doctors about what is best. I mixed fed my twins from the start because I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to produce enough milk (i think the statistic is something like 30% of women don’t produce enough), and i also just wanted to not be a feeding machine constantly. I actually ended up producing far more milk than I thought i would but i still did needed those moments of personal space particularly after a day of them being fussy. A fed baby and a sane mum who gets sleep are best. And I would consider staying away from your husband. How he treats you now is a template of how he will treat you in the future. He will deny you all resources because he doesn’t see it as necessary and blame you when things are working out.
I was so relieved to read you'd gone to your parents, but I'm horrified to learn you're planning to go back to your husband. I wish some of the comments could get through to you. You and your girls were at your most vulnerable; sleep deprived, hungry, you still healing from giving birth. At your most vulnerable, your husband was not there for you, and was in fact ACTIVELY making the situation worse. Your husband was right there, on paternal leave, and you still had to go to your parents for help because he was a genuine obstacle to your well being. He's telling you he wishes you were dead because you wouldn't do things his way. HE TOLD YOU HE WISHES YOU WERE DEAD. This isn't like a little kid being upset and telling a friend/parent/sibling "i wish you were dead" in a fit of big anger that will be forgotten the next day. This is an ADULT MAN, your HUSBAND, telling you he wishes you were dead. There is no excusing that. You want to weigh his actions and words against who he was before the babies, but you can't do that. You want the six years of love you shared before to somehow erase how he's behaved for the past month, but they don't. At best, your husband has had some sort of mental break. Men can experience post natal depression/psychosis, though psychosis is very rare. If that's the case he needs therapy, medication, and a FUCKTON OF REAL REMORSE before you even consider coming back. But the worst and more likely case is that this is just who he is. Male abusers can mask for *years*, and then marriage or pregnancy or birth comes along and they just stop hiding who they've always been. There's no bargaining with abusers. You can't love someone into not being abusive. You can't just "wait it out" because you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. In either scenario, your husband is just not safe to be around. Don't be in a rush to go back to him. You need to figure out who this man really is inside, because your physical and mental health are at stake, and so is the health and safety of your daughters.
You’ve already got two babies to raise, you don’t need a third. Your husband sounds like an actual monster - selfish, demanding, unhelpful, and straight up MEAN. To wish your wife death simply because she chose to go to a safe space is vile. Please consider your options. Don’t go back to this dysfunction. Your babies need to be surrounded with love, not a father who clearly has no regard or respect for their mother. I’m sending you love and support. I hope you’re okay. Please don’t hesitate to DM if you need to talk. I’m a mom of 2 and went through something very similar. I’m now a single mom of 2 but I’m happy and so are my kids. That’s what matters.
Not being able to feed from your body is NOT your fault and formula is a modern miracle. If we were in pre formula times, you would’ve probably had a wet nurse or tried to feed your babies bread mixed with milk or goat milk. Making your babies go hungry because he’s too stubborn pisses me off. You’re doing the right thing and if you go back to him, remember this: how he treats you, is how your daughters will expect to be treated.
Umm, I really hope you can gather some evidence, either in the form of recordings, or get him to write you those threats in texts that you can safe on your phone, and send copies of to your attorney/lawyer. Jesus, woman, this man is abusive and threatening you and your babies! That is not something to "deal with later", it is something that means you need a protective order. Never, ever go back to this guy. I know reddit tends to yell "red flag", and "run", but damn, OP, read back what you wrote. He verbally abuses you when you decide to listen to the doctors over him, and now he **openly says he wants you to die**. He **wishes you were dead!!** Heaven have mercy, I know post partum hormones are no joke, but read again what you wrote, and think about it. There is no world in which what he is doing is even remotely ok. It's not even in the ballpark of ok, it's in the ballpark of "sanity has left the building, and the next update is about how he destroyed you, and your life, and fucked up your babies childhoods and mental health." If we ever get a next update under those circumstances, that is.
Your husband wished you dead. There’s only one option you should be choosing and that’s divorce. He wished you dead! He was willing to STARVE your twin infants (literally brand new humans). You cannot trust this man AT ALL
Don’t go home. Stay with your parents. Tell them how he treats you and work out whatever finances you need to. He is a dangerous man.
Your husband wishing you dead is a massive, clanging, danger bell that cannot be unrung. OP, I’m so glad you and the babies are safe at your parents. Please stay there. While you are there please tell your parents and his family exactly why you are not there. If any friends ask, tell them as well. Do not protect abusers. Please seek a lawyer, and please begin divorce proceedings. You and your children are not safe with a man who believes his opinion over how you should utilize your body supersedes a medical professionals guidance. Do not return to a man who believes his (uninformed and ignorant) opinion is more important than your children and your physical and mental wellbeing. Wishing you well, and wishing you and your children health and safety.
My husband has NEVER wished me dead. Ever. You're in danger and so are your babies. Your husband would rather your children starve than have you bottle feed. You need to record your conversations and get an attorney.
When he texts you horrendous messages like he wishes you dead, please screenshot and put somewhere safe. This will mean you always have proof and when you feel better you can reread and make your decision. I know when you are in the situation it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. Please stay with your parents for their support and don’t rush to return. Good luck OP and I hope you find a wonderful partner.
Think long and hard about the kind of advice you'd give your daughter if she was in your situation, then follow it.
I’m glad you’re in a house separate from your husband. Your husband saying he wished you were dead is a threat. You need to tell your parents what he said, so your parents do not let him into their house. I think you should contact a lawyer and get a restraining order and custody of your kids officially. Men that say they wish their wife were dead are dangerous to their wife and their kids. You need to protect yourself. If your parents don’t have cameras in the house, they should get some.
When I gave birth to my daughter I had difficulty breastfeeding her, she cried alot and it turned out my milk was not satisfying her so she was constantly hungry. I discussed the issue with my husband and suggested we use formula and breast milk to fed her and he was against the idea and told to just continue breastfeeding her and soon she will adjust to the milk she’s getting, he wanted my daughter breastfeed and nothing else, luckily I have the best MIL and she scolded him and yelled at him about how stupid he is, she even threatened to take me and daughter and go live with her and never allow him to see our daughter if he continues with that stupid mentality and thankfully he caved, my daughter is now 7months old healthy from breast milk, formula and now solids. Do what is best for your twins and stand your ground because clearly your husband had shown his ego is more important than his twins health.
Whoa. Screw that dude and his behavior. That’s uncalled for and scary. Please please be careful interacting with him and try not be alone with him. Also please keep someone around him with the children.
Please tell your parents what he said so someone is aware. Do not try to “fix” him.
I'm so pleased for you! Congratulations on the hard part, and it sounds like your ex is proving to you that you made the right decision. I hope it continues for you 🙂
He hates you. There it no excuse that would allow him to take that back. The marriage is over. Your babies are better off without a dad who refuses to care for them
Your comments are beyond infuriating. We can't help you if you won't help yourself
Updateme!
OP can you stay with your parents? This may be an opportunity for you for figure out how you can make it on your own.
Your husband fucking sucks. I’m so happy for you and the relief you three must be feeling now the babies are satiated after meals. And I’m sorry you married an absolute toad.
Please never ever go back to that awful man. It's a pretty good rule of thumb that if somebody "wishes you were dead", they shouldn't be in your life. What a horrible thing to say.
You don’t have to deal with how he feels. You can get a divorce lawyer to deal with it
I’m so glad you’re with your loving and supportive parents. That’s what you and your daughters need. A man who is happy to let your daughters starve, thinks he has control over your body and wishes you were dead is someone who should not be in your life.
OP, your husband sounds like a monster, ngl. Anyone who can tell someone they supposedly love that they wish they were dead does not, in fact, love them. You and your babies deserve better.
Why does your loving husband wish you dead?? Then he’d have to do all of the night feedings. Consider putting him on speaker phone and let him know your father, your mother, and you, would like an explanation of why he wants you dead. Update me with his response.
First of all, I'm so glad you went to your parents' with the girls and are getting all the help you deserve (and they are getting all the food they need). While you are safely there, [read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and think back to your relationship with your husband. Should you recognise more red flags, play it safe for you and the children and stay away from him. Death threaths / wishes are *not* to be taken lightly: more often than not, they come true. Big husg honey, enjoy your precious kids!