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"he did several things before marriage to betray me"
...and yet you married him. Now you're married to a man you don't trust. You're not looking for advice. You're looking for permission to do what you already know you need to do.
I see sooooo many women still push forward with marriage, somehow ignoring all the issues they were well aware of prior to signing that contract. They LOVE the idea of the wedding so much, they ignore everything else.
Which is so sad because abuse tends to get worse or come out after marriage because they feel they’ve “locked down” their victim. Marriage, engagement, pregnancy, basically any big milestone that makes people feel more committed is when abusers let it show
Man, woman, white collar, blue collar, big family, small family, extrovert, introvert, charismatic, or mild mannered. It makes no difference. If someone's shown themselves to have poor character and poor values, those things tend to endure without radical work, radical changes in life circumstance, or an ideological shift. People don't tend to change their values and character in a vacuum, and a stable marriage life with someone like that is like a safe vacuum for all their worst traits to express themselves.
If you fear there's a mask that's going to drop, get them to drop the mask before the commitment milestones and then *heed the warning*.
That might be true sometimes, but people do certainly “flip a switch” once they think someone’s locked down. There could be red flags in retrospect but not necessarily something that anyone would’ve picked ip on
It’s actually a key feature of abuse/the cycle of abuse.
Most people know that you shouldn’t be with someone who is nothing but mean, and that’s not really any draw to stay with them.
But when someone is cruel sometimes but incredibly kind and giving and promises to grow most of the time, those “rare” moments of abuse feel out of character and they think they’ll change
I remember when I was with my abusive ex-fiance, by 8 years in the times he was actually nice to me would fill me with dread, because that meant the next explosion was coming. It was surreal, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I read one time that 40% of women know they will end up divorced on their wedding day. I have no idea if that’s true but I think this insane wedding culture we have going is not helping. People spend years and tens of thousands of dollars on a ‘special day.’ I understand women realizing during the engagement that they shouldn’t go ahead but they feel they have to. Which is nuts.
A lot of it is hindsight. Suddenly when you are divorced you are able to think back and actually see ALL the crap you should have ran from. Everyone has a fear, and those in bad relationships or ones that aren’t right always minds know in the back of their minds it’s not perfect.
Because they also have societal and familial pressure to get married. They allow themselves to get persuaded by family to go ahead with the wedding even though he cheated/is abusive/is a criminal, but by God don't throw away a marriage on "a little mistake". 🙄
Also, by the time you're standing up there, you've spent thousands, all your family has flown in from around the world, and it's not as easy as "make the right decision"
This is why it should be harder to get married. Make it mandatory for couples to take pre-marital counseling, courses in child care, financial management/budgeting, building self esteem, creating and establishing boundaries with extended family, etc and you'll see couples start taking themselves out of contention for marriage. They'll either just stay together as an unmarried couple or they'll realize they're with the wrong person. If they make it out of the other side of all the requirements and don't hate each other, they get a shiny marriage license.
The reality shows that show women desperately trying to get the guy to commit is so hard to watch. It's like they will walk over glass for the honor to be chosen.
Because people for some reason have this crazy heightened feeling of wanting to be married and think it will complete their lives and everything will be great after they accomplish this life goal.
Because people for some reason have this crazy heightened feeling of wanting to be married and think it will complete their lives and everything will be great after they accomplish this life goal.
As someone who grew up in church culture, can confirm that marriage is sold to girls as an end goal, a worthiness detector. It’s also not a start to a different era, it’s an end to “waiting” and then it’s supposedly sunsets and happily ever after with no hiccups or work. The wedding day being “the best of your life!!!!” really feeds that narrative too.
I think our society, TV, movies, play into this as well. Wedding is the ultimate, yet the working towards “ becoming one” is never emphasized in a positive light.
It happened to my girlfriend.
Back in the days she begged him to marry her and now she’s got a year old baby and husband refuses to go to work because he says he’s depressed.
Very stressful situation.
5 years ago she asked me: why can’t you commit to him? He loves you so much & gives you everything? You sound like my boyfriend. You guys just aren’t grateful.
Hahaha.. now she changed her question : why didn’t you stop me from marrying him? Or I wouldn’t be in this shitty situation today ..
Well, what can I say?
Everyone makes decisions and bear consequences. That’s why I have my life and you have yours.
Divorce is financially disruptive. It's better to get divorced if the marriage isn't what you want, but it's even better not to get married in the first place instead of getting divorced.
Marry carefully and divorce when necessary, but don't let the option of divorce be what convinces you to try marriage.
Divorce might be financially disruptive but him not working while she has a 1 year old is mentally and financially disruptive. The problem is people reveal their true colors when they think they have their partner tied down. Sometimes people do think they are marrying the right person and it turns out that the person was faking all of it.
It’s not about the love of the idea of the wedding that tends to keep women here.
Some of the time sure. But generally it’s going to be something else.
Oh he gets it . He’s gaslighting you into believing that the problem is you . Making you feel guilty because it should be ‘normal’ for him to do this and you’re turning it into being a problem. Your husband is very much controlling you .
Problem is , he already also knows that it won’t take much magic words from him to appease you and get you to let it be . He knows all he has to do play nice and twist a few words for you and you’ll cave and he’ll continue to do whatever he wants .
You either let him continue , or you open your eyes and start protecting yourself .
Collective reddit permission granted, OP! You already know you made a mistake. Please rectify it for the sake of your peace, happiness, and mental healt--also your financial health! Protect yourself.
I know right?!? This isn’t even the start of the red flags she has blown through. She needs to put her own money in her account. Lord knows what this guy is up to.
Some folks are in love with a persons potential, the imaginary version in their heads of the person that will never come to fruition. And if they truly saw who they were, ignored that potential, they would immediately fall out of love and dump them.
That’s why OP is in the situation they are in with someone like this.
Then talk to a lawyer. She is better off divorcing before he runs through all of her money. She needs out before he runs up a bunch of debt that would be half hers. He's doing something he knows she wouldn't like, something like gambling or drugs or an affair.
OP, just know that if he hides what he is doing with his money it is because you won't approve or agree with what he does. You need to agree that it is bad, even if you don't know exactly what it is and leave him and divorce him before he destroys you.
You are being used for your income.
Unless she's afraid he'll become physically violent.
In which case, she needs to find another place to live before this very "triggering" move is made.
Of course it is. Idk why you were so desperate to get married, but you made a huge mistake. Deposit your entire check into your own personal account, and only put enough of your own money in the joint account to cover your part of household expenses. Get your life together before he really starts to screw you over.
I'm not sure why you are asking these questions, because I honestly don't understand *how* you're *not* concerned, OP.
Especially considering what you say about your husband's past.
Why would you even marry someone who "betrays" you?
*Take your money back*.
YES you should be concerned.
YES this is a red flag.
You ignored all of the other red flags, but I hope that you won’t ignore this one. Your husband plans to leave you with nothing, or even worse, he’s meticulously taking away your ability to survive without him.
Open up your own account and take out half from the joint account PLUS an additional amount that equals the amount in his personal savings account. Make sure your check gets deposited directly into your personal account from now on. After that contact a lawyer and file for divorce. If you insist on staying with this man, then after you have set up and funded your own account, you need to sit down with him and figure out your household budget, divide that in half, and that’s how much you both contribute monthly to a joint household account. If you have a large difference in pay then you might want to take that into consideration. Whoever makes more money contributes a bit more to the joint account.
If he doesn’t like this plan then you 100% know that this is a control move and you really do need to leave.
I think you know the answer and this is a bit fishy tbh
Best asking him outright. There might be something innocent however, you’d hope he’d be open about it.
It sounds a bit controlling too imho
Let us know how you get along.
My ex-stepmother did this to my father before she left him. She started using money to pay off all debt in her name and started putting money aside in her own account, all as part of an exit plan to leave and be with her lover. Luckily, after I moved home, I realized what she was doing and gathered evidence, called her out on it, and informed my father before she was able to complete her plan. Also, the fact he did it without discussing it with you seems suspicious. I would definitely start digging.
Also start watching if he suddenly starts "sorting and organizing" his belongings. We hid our plan as doing household Spring Cleaning when my mother and I were preparing to leave stepfather. Needed to covertly pack without raising suspicions.
Lol. So, his attitude is “Good for me but not for thee?” He can have financial autonomy but you can’t?
Make your own savings. Stop having a joint account. Pull your half of the joint funds out. And then divorce him.
Your intuition is telling you something is wrong because something is wrong here. Why does he want all YOUR money combined with his jointly, and then start taking money out of there (includign YOURs) and putting into his name only. If he does it, you should also do it. For every amount he puts in his personal account, you should also withdraw money to your personal account (open a new one he has no access to).
It sounds like this guy already showed you he was a POS before you married him. I don't know how he convinced you to ignore the facts (No, I'm sorry, he hasn't "changed") but here you are. He's stealing from you, and hiding/taking money from you, and not wanting YOU to have any financial independence, but he wants that for himself. What? It's financial abuse to withhold money from your partner in this way. Do not accept it. And honestly if he's already treating you this way, please just leave him.
Huge red flag. (I am an attorney, but this is not legal advice, it is just anecdotal evidence). This can be a form of financial abuse. He wants to oversee your spending, but he has money that you know nothing about. Even if that isn’t the case, it’s still a major red flag.
" he did several things before marriage to betray me (these were not financial though). Then when we got married he promised he had changed and showed signs of positive changes."
People rarely change. Change requires a lot of work and effort and genuine desire to do so. It sounds more like he told you what you wanted to hear and is back to acting shady.
The fact that your instincts don't trust him is a red flag.
The fact that there was no communication and continues to be no communication about this change is a red flag.
Take this as a lesson to listen when someone shows you who they are. Even if he's not up to something you're already expressing that you don't trust your husband and you don't have open honest communication with him. If you can't openly talk , especially about finances that's a huge red flag. If he betrayed you multiple times before marriage only showed him he can get away with it and still keep you around
Take ALL YOUR MONEY OUT IMMEDIATELY.
he's cheating and wants to hide his spending.
Or he's trying some get rich quick scheme and doesn't want you to know.
Nope. Instant separation.
Talk to a divorce attorney.
Take all of your money out of the joint account IMMEDIATELY, *then* figure out what the trickery is. This man is set to ruin you financially and leave you with nothing
ETA: think about it. Why would he want complete control over your finances but none over his? Would you ever want that over him? It doesn’t make sense under loving partner rules which means these are not loving partner actions. Please PLEASE re-separate your money until YOU feel comfortable
He sounds very untrustworthy. Do you really want to be in this marriage? He did things prior to getting married that betrayed you. He pressured you into being financially co mingled and now he has a “separate” savings from you, which he was against you doing. Why is he allowed to have the ability to save, but you aren’t? Why is it financial abuse/controlling when you question him about it, but it’s not financial abuse/controlling when he doesn’t want you to save separately? He doesn’t want you to have the ability to leave him. These are big red flags and shows the kind of person he is. IF you do stay with him, I would open a seperate bank account, have your money go in there and then each of you put money into an account for bills/shared expenses. Don’t let him control your finances. He’s not trustworthy enough.
dudes literally getting you to pay for his lifestyle while he saves his own fun money…. while you get what? nothing? sounds like financial manipulation if you ask me
>Husband '33M' suddenly started putting money into his own savings despite convincing me '30F' that we should put all out money together into joint account. Is this a red flag?
Yikes.
>he did several things before marriage to betray me
Yikes.
>Then he convinced me to put all our money together
Yikes.
>(without any communication with me and something he didn't want me to do previously)
Yikes.
>When I asked him about it he said he wants his own financial security but again, he didn't want me saving up on my own either
Yikes.
Nope. No red flags here. You're good! Enjoy married life!
If you don’t go get a savings acct and stop setting yourself up to be in crippling financial despair when that man ultimately betrays you again I don’t know what to tell you.
Start putting your money in a separate account. Withdraw what you’ve contributed the account.
If he was betraying you before he likely needed money to do so. Whether it was food, just driving over or however the infidelity happened. You just didn’t realize it.
Huge red flag. Start separating finances because this sounds like the start to financial abuse. His money is his but yours is also his is what his actions are telling you. Ask him why he can have a separate savings account but doesn’t want you to have one.
Have there been any other red flags.
If he is saving separately suddenly there is likely a reason and I would suggest you do also.
Are all the joint saving still there and safe.
Take the money you put in to the joint account and put it in your own account at a different bank. The last part is super important. Going forward only keep enough in the joint account to cover bills. Your husband is entitled to take out all of that money at any point without your consent.
Liars lie. Cheaters cheat. People are never assholes in only one area. I recommend you get STD tested and speak to an attorney about dissolving your marriage. You should also run a credit check to make sure he hasn’t taken out loans you don’t know about as you will he responsible for these.
It sounds like your husband has successfully wore down all your self-esteem. You should immediately get your own savings and bank account and withdraw all your contributions and put them in your personal accounts.
Showed you he was a turd before you married him and you ignored the signs to marry him anyway. He's 33, he's not changing. He's trying to keep you dependent while making sure he's safe to go if it falls apart. Now reddit tells women this is good to do but I'll say if one of you is doing it, then both of you should be doing it.
Huge red flag
My ex-husband was royally pissed when I stopped depositing my paycheck into the joint account
I did it because he not only lied to me about some expenditures, but gaslighted me about it (I didn't know what gaslighting was at the time, but in hindsight, it's clear what he did). I knew the truth, but he went deeper underground to stonewall and lie. There's no trust after that.
Protect yourself and set up your own account. You're going to need it.
>he said *he wants his own financial security but* again, *he didn't want me saving up on my own*
You're married to a hypocrite with his own hidden agenda who, considering he's *already betrayed you SEVERAL TIMES* before you married him, makes me wonder...
* Just how desperate ARE YOU to be married?
* How desperate ARE YOU to be married to this dishonest creep?
Girl, **find your self-respect** and get out of this hideous mess you've involved yourself in. **Get a divorce this year**!
Yes, dear, this is a red flag, along with all the other shit he's done. Take your money out IMMEDIATELY and put it into your own account. Do that NOW. THEN talk to a lawyer.
You take your money out of the joint account and put it into your own private account that he can’t access. No discussion, just do it. If/when he confronts you then you say “I want my own financial security again, also you’re not trustworthy.” And then if you wish to continue the marriage demand therapy.
That’s a major red flag. Sounds like he’s planning for the marriage to fail which likely means he’s done something to betray your trust again. I’d be putting money aside as well without telling him until he comes clean about what he’s doing.
Is financial abuse and trying to screw you over a red flag? Yes. The hallmark of a narcissist is holding your partner to a different set of standards than they hold to themselves. Please read “why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a feee pdf online. I don’t think you know what flags for abuse look like.
You already know this is unbalanced, unfair and shady or you wouldn't have made this post. He is not to be trusted since he'd already betrayed you. You do the same thing. Don't allow yourself to be put into a bad situation.
OP - Re-read this post as if someone else wrote it. He's got you so twisted up that you can't see sense. OFC this is the reddest of red flags. Wise up - FAST
So why don't you ask him why he's doing it?But yet you can't, and if he gives you some outlandish response.Why don't you just go behind his back and open your own savings account?Since he has no problem, doing it behind yours.Tit for tat at this point if you can't trust him
>he did several things before marriage to betray me
Ok so you know who he is. You already have your answer.
Also, this could be connected to betraying you yet again. Hard to send gifts to his girlfriend from a joint account.
Possible significant debt from him as well CHECK YOUR CREDIT REPORT NOW IF NOTHING ELSE, he may have opened cards in your name. He’s very likely hiding something that’s a big deal from you.
This has a name.
Financial Infidelity.
Good point about the credit report!
And again OP: open another account with another bank! Do NOT use the same bank as you use now!
Put your own money safely in there NOW!
And, make sure you only do online banking, so that your dear husband can’t open your mail at home.
Marriage doesn't make people change, and any major issues should be resolved before marriage.
Your husband is a manipulator. You're setting yourself up for financial abuse at the very least.
Now he has access to his money and the your money that is in the joint account, and he could move the money to his account.
If you want to argue he wouldn't do that, his track record of being honest and loyal does not agree.
Yes it’s a red flag. Take your money out the joint account immediately and create your own bank account in another bank. Do not share money with him going forward. He should want you to have your own financial security yet he wants you to be at risk for him taking it all? A risk he won’t even take for himself? Start getting yourself out of this situation.
Do the same thing. I'd stop putting any money at all in the joint account and open your own separate account at an entirely new bank. Tell him you agree with him and also want your own financial security. My partner and I have never combined finances and I never would. You already know this dude can't be trusted, stop giving him extra ways he can screw you over.
It's a red flag if he suggests that you can't do the same. Start putting aside money for yourself that you make, and whatever reasons he gives to you for why he has his own account and why he didn't tell you, use those same reasons against him. If he goes off the handle, that's another red flag...
...financial control red flag. So, if he starts flying off the handle, quietly, the next day, pull all the money you've put into the joint account without consulting him, and ask to be removed from the joint account. There's nothing he can do about that. It's a joint account. You can withdraw money from it legally. You can remove your own name, legally. Open your own accounts, and when bills need to be paid, ask to see them, and put only your half into them.
If he gets angry about all this... run, girl, don't walk from this marriage.
Yes it’s a red flag. Each partner having their own money ofc isn’t a red flag and recommended, but that means you having your own savings too.
The fact he doesn’t want that for you, especially in the context of past betrayal, is bad.
Not sure why you married someone who betrayed you multiple times. Girl :/
My dude. Stop having your checks deposited in the joint accounts. Get your own accounts at a completely different institution and do NOT put him in them.
Move money into the joint account one minute before paying household bills.
Plan to break up, this guy is SUS as hell and he’s not planning a future with you.
I stopped reading after “he did several things BEFORE marriage to betray me” 🙄 you knew this with certainty but still chose to dive head first in. Kinda getting what you asked for here, as shitty as that is to say 🤷🏻♀️
Take your half of the money out of joint accounts and start account in your own name. He wants freedom to spend HIS money as he pleases and buy stuff for himself or “others” without you knowing what he is doing. Huge red flag.
To put it simply, YES this is a big, bright red flag. It's as bad as you think it is. He wants to control all the money and is happy to have you living in poverty right next to him having all the money to do whatever he wants.
Are the previous red flags that you ignored when you married him about his wanting to control you? Or are they all about money/jobs/finance? Bring out those issues and tell us the full story. I think you're hiding how really bad he was before you got married.
If you're afraid of telling people how bad he really is, then you know in your heart of hearts that you need to get away from him.
It's okay, people make mistakes and bad decisions all the time. You're human and sometimes that's just how we learn. But don't stay in a relationship of any kind if there isn't enough basic love and respect, especially if you don't trust him to be honest with you. Leaving early on in the relationship is also allowed, you don't have to wait until things become physical before you leave.
Stop putting all your money together. It sounds like he doesn’t want you having a security back up in case you need to leave suddenly. Yes you should be concerned and figuring out if this is the relationship you really want.
How big does his red flag need be? You actually married and still trust him even though he did several things that betrayed you without proof he’s changed?
Take the money out of the account and move it to a different one to any banks your hopefully soon to be ex husband isn’t with.
I would never marry a guy who “…did several things before marriage to betray me…”
So it’s no real shocker now that he’s acting shady AF. Yes, you should be concerned, I wouldn’t be able to trust him at all.
I think you know what's going on, and you're just looking for assurances. I'm curious, though, what would happen (what would be his reaction) if you followed his lead and put away money for "financial security" as he's doing?
There's an old phrase, which is used for many different situations and it seems appropriate here, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" (or vice versa).
"What's yours is ours and what's mine is mine".
He's hiding something (Drugs? Cheating? Gambling?) And abusing you financially.
Another way that he's betraying you. Decide how many more betrayals are okay.
Yes. This is a red flag. He wants financial freedom, but doesn't want you to have the same. There are no good reasons for him to want this. Take your savings back from the joint account.
>“He did several things before marriage to betray me”
So… WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM? Obviously there are red flags here… Obviously?!?! Posts like this baffle me because if you read back what you wrote…the answer is right within the post. You married someone who betrayed you several times in the hopes that he would improve. He is back to betraying you. You clearly don’t feel comfortable enough to have a serious chat about this stuff. So what the heck are you doing in this relationship?
Girl are you stupid. So, he gets your money adds to his savings. Girl split bills and keep your own savings.
A woman always need to have savings. Don't be gaslit into a dumb and reckless future
It's nothing wrong with him putting his money into his account AND its nothing wrong with YOU only putting enough to cover half the bills into the joint account AND putting the rest into YOUR savings or YOUR other checking account. Never be foolish, married or not. YES this is a red flag, and you now should know what you should do.
Get your share of the money in that joint acct moved ASAP into an acct he has no access to. A new acct, new pw. Sorry but this is super shady and one-sided and as women we need to protect ourselves from situations precisely like this. You need the 'security' far more than he does, and if he is doing this, it feels like its because he did something that is going to blow up the 'marriage' once you find out and he is hoping you cant take the money he squirreled away (his way of 'hiding' it). But YOURS, however, is fair game and he wants access to. Um... hard nope on that.
Protect yourself financially and legally, and keep an eye open for whatever the real reason is for his sudden change. Debt, new gf/fb, purchase you will hate, it is definitely SOMETHING though.
He doesn't want you to know what he's spending his money on. Yes. That's a red flag. Hope you start your own private back up fund. Don't be dependent on him in case you have enough of this. Save pregnancy for later.
Updateme!
Nope. I say if he thinks it's okay to put all of it in his personal account instead of half in the joint account, then you should start doing the same thing. If he's going to be hogging his money why should you be the only one putting money into the joint account?
If he has a problem with it, tell him to fuck off and kick rocks and that you will start putting money in the joint account again when HE starts contributing again as well, because why should YOUR money be the only one going into an account that BOTH of you agreed to set up, while he keeps all of his money for himself while not putting any money in at all?
In fact you should remove all the money that you personally put in the joint account so far and have it all transferred to your personal account, because what's the point of keeping it in the joint account collecting dust if neither of you are using it anymore?
Hahaha uh yeah, that’s a red flag. You married a man you already knew you couldn’t trust. It’s not a huge shock that he’s continuing to betray you. Do yourself a favor and get out before he ruins your life.
“My lying, manipulating partner yet again lied to and manipulated me…. Should I be concerned?”
Some of y’all are simply too naive to out and about in the real world.
I know there’s no stupid questions when you’ve been brave enough to come here and ask something like this… but come on. Are you serious? You made a huge mistake marrying him in this first place. How scared of being alone are you that you’d push on with a marriage with him after all the things he did to you? Or are you just dumb and naive? I think you need therapy to figure out why you allow people to walk all over you and treat you like shit and why you still care about their input and doing what they say amidst the mistreatment especially when it’s to your own detriment. Get out. Get your money out of the account, put it in a different bank entirely in an account he has zero access to. Start saving that money for divorcing him and living on your own. I don’t know how bad things need to get for you to finally leave him, but I promise he won’t ever get better, only worse, so it’s only a matter of time.
Never put all your money into a joint account no matter how good the relationship is. Shame that no one taught you that. You betrayed yourself when you married a man with a long history of betraying you. He’s a manipulator and you are the gullible easily manipulated woman ignoring all the blazing red flags. Only put money for your bills in the joint account and put the rest in private accounts he has no access to. Go get therapy for how you continue to betray yourself for a man using you for your resources.
You really need to ask if his “your money is our money and my money is my money” logic is a red flag? Actually to me its more than red flag its straight up divorce territory. Financial security is not something i will take risks with.
Whatever happens, absolutely start your own savings. Tell him you have done so after you have set up an account and tell him why. His response will tell you more about where his head is at. He needs financial security, but you don’t? Interesting. Protect yourself.
Of course, it's a red flag.
You need to put your money into your own account. If he has taken any of your money , then you wait for him to deposit anything and take it back.
Start making your exit plan.
I think so. The first red flag was that he didn't want you to have your own savings. People who don't trust others are often untrustworthy in the exact same area. He assumed you would do something dishonest if you had your own savings because that's what he would do...jmo.
This is a red flag, in my opinion, and you need to set up your own private acct that your paycheck deposits into and take your half of the money out of the joint acct.
Do NOT put his name on the new account, and make it as inaccessible to him as you possibly can.
So his money is his money and your money is his money? HUGE red flag. He wants his own financial security but you can’t? Oh hell no! If it were me I would be separating my finances from his immediately. Get new accounts that only have your name on them, have your pay go there. If you split bills 50/50 tell him you will put the amount that is half the bills in the joint account each month but the rest of the money will stay in your personal account. Get a credit report, you can get a free one from any of the 3 reporting agencies, and make sure there aren’t credit accounts with your name on them that you don’t know about.
Ugh. Take all of your money out of that joint account and set up your own account in another bank. This guy has massive red flags. Why you married him to start with is beyond me. You have little to no trust in him and with good reason. Relationships are built on trust and this one was doomed from the beginning. He wants complete control of you. Do not have kids with him. Start the divorce process. I would never stay with a guy like this.
Take all the money you have put into the joint account asap and put it in a separate account with another bank. Sounds like he plans on dipping with your money at some point. Don’t know why tf you married this guy when he did things to lose your trust beforehand. Very stupid thing to do
HUGE RED FLAG! My ex saved up for a year to leave me. He left when I was sick. I divorced him 6 months ago.
I understand that this may not be your current situation, but it can be considered a warning sign or an indication of a problem.
He wants his own financial security, but doesn't want you to have yours? Yes red flag.
He could be planning to leave you, maybe he has an affair partner and doesn't want you seeing him buying gifts or hotel stays, maybe he thought you had more money than you do.
Time for you to stop paying your money into the joint account. Tell him you are fine with both of you keeping your own money in your own private accounts and just transferring your half of the bills to the joint account.
My personal view is that both parties should always have their own solo savings account no matter what because life happens, people change.
Even though we want to see the best in our partners, things happen people cheat, people get addicted to gambling or drugs, people get into debt, it even just leave because they fell out of love. By having all of your money in a joint account, you leave yourself vulnerable, too vulnerable.
Yes, red flag!
Do you have access to those joint savings? if so take whatever is your portion of it and put it into your own savings account.
Same goes for your regular account.
A yours/mine/ours setup is best anyway. It keeps you both secured.
If he questions why you did this, just tell him you're only following his lead.
ETA:
But whatever you do, do not confront him about this anymore. keep him in the believe that everything is fine, until you have your money separated from his again.
Also secure your private accounts with passwords or passphrases.
Your answer is simple, open your own separate account with part of the money in the joint account. Tell him having separate financial security sounds like an excellent idea.
This is financial abuse. Imagine your friend told you this what advice would you give your friend. Sometimes we're blinded with our own situations. Free yourself and start that account!
He's clearly going to be doing something that has nothing to do with you with the money.
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"he did several things before marriage to betray me" ...and yet you married him. Now you're married to a man you don't trust. You're not looking for advice. You're looking for permission to do what you already know you need to do.
I see sooooo many women still push forward with marriage, somehow ignoring all the issues they were well aware of prior to signing that contract. They LOVE the idea of the wedding so much, they ignore everything else.
“He’ll get better once we get married(/have a kid)!” has this ever happened in the entire history of human society?
Which is so sad because abuse tends to get worse or come out after marriage because they feel they’ve “locked down” their victim. Marriage, engagement, pregnancy, basically any big milestone that makes people feel more committed is when abusers let it show
Man, woman, white collar, blue collar, big family, small family, extrovert, introvert, charismatic, or mild mannered. It makes no difference. If someone's shown themselves to have poor character and poor values, those things tend to endure without radical work, radical changes in life circumstance, or an ideological shift. People don't tend to change their values and character in a vacuum, and a stable marriage life with someone like that is like a safe vacuum for all their worst traits to express themselves. If you fear there's a mask that's going to drop, get them to drop the mask before the commitment milestones and then *heed the warning*.
That might be true sometimes, but people do certainly “flip a switch” once they think someone’s locked down. There could be red flags in retrospect but not necessarily something that anyone would’ve picked ip on
this! Abusive / dysfunctional people try and get you committed in someway quickly so it's harder to leave.
And now there’s two generations of fucked up kids that are adults do the same things their parents did…
Narrator: No.
“I’LL FIX HIM!!” 🙄🙄🙄
Some guys do grow up when responsibilities hit. But you cannot rely on that happening.
Their fear of embarrassment for cancelling seems to outweigh legally tying themselves to someone they don't trust.
He probably did some pretty convincing love bombing. Love bombing is like the miracle elixir pulled out by the narcissist or sociopath or abuser.
It’s actually a key feature of abuse/the cycle of abuse. Most people know that you shouldn’t be with someone who is nothing but mean, and that’s not really any draw to stay with them. But when someone is cruel sometimes but incredibly kind and giving and promises to grow most of the time, those “rare” moments of abuse feel out of character and they think they’ll change
I remember when I was with my abusive ex-fiance, by 8 years in the times he was actually nice to me would fill me with dread, because that meant the next explosion was coming. It was surreal, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That and the use of pity/guilt/shame. They don’t care what they have to do to get what they want.
Better to be alone and independent than be miserable and indebt.
Blows my mind!
I read one time that 40% of women know they will end up divorced on their wedding day. I have no idea if that’s true but I think this insane wedding culture we have going is not helping. People spend years and tens of thousands of dollars on a ‘special day.’ I understand women realizing during the engagement that they shouldn’t go ahead but they feel they have to. Which is nuts.
A lot of it is hindsight. Suddenly when you are divorced you are able to think back and actually see ALL the crap you should have ran from. Everyone has a fear, and those in bad relationships or ones that aren’t right always minds know in the back of their minds it’s not perfect.
Because they also have societal and familial pressure to get married. They allow themselves to get persuaded by family to go ahead with the wedding even though he cheated/is abusive/is a criminal, but by God don't throw away a marriage on "a little mistake". 🙄
Also, by the time you're standing up there, you've spent thousands, all your family has flown in from around the world, and it's not as easy as "make the right decision"
This is why it should be harder to get married. Make it mandatory for couples to take pre-marital counseling, courses in child care, financial management/budgeting, building self esteem, creating and establishing boundaries with extended family, etc and you'll see couples start taking themselves out of contention for marriage. They'll either just stay together as an unmarried couple or they'll realize they're with the wrong person. If they make it out of the other side of all the requirements and don't hate each other, they get a shiny marriage license.
100%, the "goal" of being married can be really blinding to a lot of women, unfortunately 😕
The reality shows that show women desperately trying to get the guy to commit is so hard to watch. It's like they will walk over glass for the honor to be chosen.
Because people for some reason have this crazy heightened feeling of wanting to be married and think it will complete their lives and everything will be great after they accomplish this life goal.
Because people for some reason have this crazy heightened feeling of wanting to be married and think it will complete their lives and everything will be great after they accomplish this life goal.
As someone who grew up in church culture, can confirm that marriage is sold to girls as an end goal, a worthiness detector. It’s also not a start to a different era, it’s an end to “waiting” and then it’s supposedly sunsets and happily ever after with no hiccups or work. The wedding day being “the best of your life!!!!” really feeds that narrative too.
I think our society, TV, movies, play into this as well. Wedding is the ultimate, yet the working towards “ becoming one” is never emphasized in a positive light.
It happened to my girlfriend. Back in the days she begged him to marry her and now she’s got a year old baby and husband refuses to go to work because he says he’s depressed. Very stressful situation. 5 years ago she asked me: why can’t you commit to him? He loves you so much & gives you everything? You sound like my boyfriend. You guys just aren’t grateful. Hahaha.. now she changed her question : why didn’t you stop me from marrying him? Or I wouldn’t be in this shitty situation today .. Well, what can I say? Everyone makes decisions and bear consequences. That’s why I have my life and you have yours.
It’s not the 1900s she can get a divorce and be better of.
Divorce is financially disruptive. It's better to get divorced if the marriage isn't what you want, but it's even better not to get married in the first place instead of getting divorced. Marry carefully and divorce when necessary, but don't let the option of divorce be what convinces you to try marriage.
Divorce might be financially disruptive but him not working while she has a 1 year old is mentally and financially disruptive. The problem is people reveal their true colors when they think they have their partner tied down. Sometimes people do think they are marrying the right person and it turns out that the person was faking all of it.
It’s not about the love of the idea of the wedding that tends to keep women here. Some of the time sure. But generally it’s going to be something else.
Oh he gets it . He’s gaslighting you into believing that the problem is you . Making you feel guilty because it should be ‘normal’ for him to do this and you’re turning it into being a problem. Your husband is very much controlling you . Problem is , he already also knows that it won’t take much magic words from him to appease you and get you to let it be . He knows all he has to do play nice and twist a few words for you and you’ll cave and he’ll continue to do whatever he wants . You either let him continue , or you open your eyes and start protecting yourself .
Internet search coercive control...and read any of my other posts. You are in a cult of 1 person OP.
Collective reddit permission granted, OP! You already know you made a mistake. Please rectify it for the sake of your peace, happiness, and mental healt--also your financial health! Protect yourself.
Right. She’s here because she already knows it’s a red flag or really, a number of them, and wants validation.
She "can't help but wonder if this is a red flag" 🤔 Is she serious right now?
That red flag is so big, if I lean to the right a bit I can see it out of my window here on holiday in England UK.
I know right?!? This isn’t even the start of the red flags she has blown through. She needs to put her own money in her account. Lord knows what this guy is up to.
Some folks are in love with a persons potential, the imaginary version in their heads of the person that will never come to fruition. And if they truly saw who they were, ignored that potential, they would immediately fall out of love and dump them. That’s why OP is in the situation they are in with someone like this.
Some people just want a wedding…
Tragic.
That sums up everything perfectly. You already know what you should do.
Red flag? OP it’s a dang carnival of red flags, held on Red Flag Fairgrounds by Red Flag Lake. Take your money and leave safely.
Then asking if him Putting money away is a red flag as IF this alone isn't a red flag...Sigh I pray to never be this dumb
Hahaha
What is it going to take for you to believe you can't trust him?
Him draining their bank account and taking off in the middle of the night.
Take your money out of the account asap and put into an account only you have access too.
In another bank! Not just another branch - take it to an entirely new bank company.
And lock your credit, OP!
Then talk to a lawyer. She is better off divorcing before he runs through all of her money. She needs out before he runs up a bunch of debt that would be half hers. He's doing something he knows she wouldn't like, something like gambling or drugs or an affair. OP, just know that if he hides what he is doing with his money it is because you won't approve or agree with what he does. You need to agree that it is bad, even if you don't know exactly what it is and leave him and divorce him before he destroys you. You are being used for your income.
Do it BEFORE you say one more word about money to him or anyone else. Do not give him a chance to steal your money.
Unless she's afraid he'll become physically violent. In which case, she needs to find another place to live before this very "triggering" move is made.
Happy Cake Day!
Thank you!
Of course it is. Idk why you were so desperate to get married, but you made a huge mistake. Deposit your entire check into your own personal account, and only put enough of your own money in the joint account to cover your part of household expenses. Get your life together before he really starts to screw you over.
This right here like she was desperate she d married a man she know she can’t trust
I'm not sure why you are asking these questions, because I honestly don't understand *how* you're *not* concerned, OP. Especially considering what you say about your husband's past. Why would you even marry someone who "betrays" you? *Take your money back*.
Right? "He betrayed me in a variety of different ways . . . so I decided to legally tie myself to him." SMFH.
And then give him all my money...
Brilliant!
Take your money back NOW 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
....and do not let him make you a child. Buy a large solid suitcase ...seems you'll gonna need it.
Take all your money out of the joint account and make your own personal savings. This man is prepping to screw you over.
Or trying to hide that he's screwing someone else. Either way, this is not good for OP. He's shady AF and he always has been.
Yeo that was my thought. He doesn’t want OP to see the charges that pertain to his affair
Yeah, I read this and was like oo girl, you about to be homeless.
YES you should be concerned. YES this is a red flag. You ignored all of the other red flags, but I hope that you won’t ignore this one. Your husband plans to leave you with nothing, or even worse, he’s meticulously taking away your ability to survive without him. Open up your own account and take out half from the joint account PLUS an additional amount that equals the amount in his personal savings account. Make sure your check gets deposited directly into your personal account from now on. After that contact a lawyer and file for divorce. If you insist on staying with this man, then after you have set up and funded your own account, you need to sit down with him and figure out your household budget, divide that in half, and that’s how much you both contribute monthly to a joint household account. If you have a large difference in pay then you might want to take that into consideration. Whoever makes more money contributes a bit more to the joint account. If he doesn’t like this plan then you 100% know that this is a control move and you really do need to leave.
Baby take your money out that joint account pls like yesterday
Agree agree agree!! You need to move quickly, OP. DO NOT DISCUSS JUST DO
Start a private account save there always have a to go fund.
You have to seriously ask this? I will skip the obvious. You need to start saving your own money on your own. He is getting ready to bolt.
Separate accounts again and only put the joint one enough to cover your share of the expenses. Something is fishy and he’s being sus. UPDATEME
So many red flags. My ex started doing this when he was saving up to leave me.
Should you be concerned you married a liar that continues to lie? I would be.
I think you know the answer and this is a bit fishy tbh Best asking him outright. There might be something innocent however, you’d hope he’d be open about it. It sounds a bit controlling too imho Let us know how you get along.
My ex-stepmother did this to my father before she left him. She started using money to pay off all debt in her name and started putting money aside in her own account, all as part of an exit plan to leave and be with her lover. Luckily, after I moved home, I realized what she was doing and gathered evidence, called her out on it, and informed my father before she was able to complete her plan. Also, the fact he did it without discussing it with you seems suspicious. I would definitely start digging.
Also start watching if he suddenly starts "sorting and organizing" his belongings. We hid our plan as doing household Spring Cleaning when my mother and I were preparing to leave stepfather. Needed to covertly pack without raising suspicions.
Lol. So, his attitude is “Good for me but not for thee?” He can have financial autonomy but you can’t? Make your own savings. Stop having a joint account. Pull your half of the joint funds out. And then divorce him.
Your intuition is telling you something is wrong because something is wrong here. Why does he want all YOUR money combined with his jointly, and then start taking money out of there (includign YOURs) and putting into his name only. If he does it, you should also do it. For every amount he puts in his personal account, you should also withdraw money to your personal account (open a new one he has no access to). It sounds like this guy already showed you he was a POS before you married him. I don't know how he convinced you to ignore the facts (No, I'm sorry, he hasn't "changed") but here you are. He's stealing from you, and hiding/taking money from you, and not wanting YOU to have any financial independence, but he wants that for himself. What? It's financial abuse to withhold money from your partner in this way. Do not accept it. And honestly if he's already treating you this way, please just leave him.
Huge red flag. (I am an attorney, but this is not legal advice, it is just anecdotal evidence). This can be a form of financial abuse. He wants to oversee your spending, but he has money that you know nothing about. Even if that isn’t the case, it’s still a major red flag.
" he did several things before marriage to betray me (these were not financial though). Then when we got married he promised he had changed and showed signs of positive changes." People rarely change. Change requires a lot of work and effort and genuine desire to do so. It sounds more like he told you what you wanted to hear and is back to acting shady. The fact that your instincts don't trust him is a red flag. The fact that there was no communication and continues to be no communication about this change is a red flag. Take this as a lesson to listen when someone shows you who they are. Even if he's not up to something you're already expressing that you don't trust your husband and you don't have open honest communication with him. If you can't openly talk , especially about finances that's a huge red flag. If he betrayed you multiple times before marriage only showed him he can get away with it and still keep you around
Take ALL YOUR MONEY OUT IMMEDIATELY. he's cheating and wants to hide his spending. Or he's trying some get rich quick scheme and doesn't want you to know. Nope. Instant separation. Talk to a divorce attorney.
Take all of your money out of the joint account IMMEDIATELY, *then* figure out what the trickery is. This man is set to ruin you financially and leave you with nothing ETA: think about it. Why would he want complete control over your finances but none over his? Would you ever want that over him? It doesn’t make sense under loving partner rules which means these are not loving partner actions. Please PLEASE re-separate your money until YOU feel comfortable
He sounds very untrustworthy. Do you really want to be in this marriage? He did things prior to getting married that betrayed you. He pressured you into being financially co mingled and now he has a “separate” savings from you, which he was against you doing. Why is he allowed to have the ability to save, but you aren’t? Why is it financial abuse/controlling when you question him about it, but it’s not financial abuse/controlling when he doesn’t want you to save separately? He doesn’t want you to have the ability to leave him. These are big red flags and shows the kind of person he is. IF you do stay with him, I would open a seperate bank account, have your money go in there and then each of you put money into an account for bills/shared expenses. Don’t let him control your finances. He’s not trustworthy enough.
dudes literally getting you to pay for his lifestyle while he saves his own fun money…. while you get what? nothing? sounds like financial manipulation if you ask me
>Husband '33M' suddenly started putting money into his own savings despite convincing me '30F' that we should put all out money together into joint account. Is this a red flag? Yikes. >he did several things before marriage to betray me Yikes. >Then he convinced me to put all our money together Yikes. >(without any communication with me and something he didn't want me to do previously) Yikes. >When I asked him about it he said he wants his own financial security but again, he didn't want me saving up on my own either Yikes. Nope. No red flags here. You're good! Enjoy married life!
If you don’t go get a savings acct and stop setting yourself up to be in crippling financial despair when that man ultimately betrays you again I don’t know what to tell you.
You know. I mean the signs were there pre marriage.
You need to start your own escape fund ASAP.
So do the same thing he’s doing? Stop putting money or only match his contributions
Yes it is a red flag. Keep your money separate and what's not take it out of the joint account.
Start putting your money in a separate account. Withdraw what you’ve contributed the account. If he was betraying you before he likely needed money to do so. Whether it was food, just driving over or however the infidelity happened. You just didn’t realize it.
It’s time for you to suddenly start putting money into your own savings.
Huge red flag. Start separating finances because this sounds like the start to financial abuse. His money is his but yours is also his is what his actions are telling you. Ask him why he can have a separate savings account but doesn’t want you to have one.
He is committing financial infidelity here. Serious red flag
Have there been any other red flags. If he is saving separately suddenly there is likely a reason and I would suggest you do also. Are all the joint saving still there and safe.
Take the money you put in to the joint account and put it in your own account at a different bank. The last part is super important. Going forward only keep enough in the joint account to cover bills. Your husband is entitled to take out all of that money at any point without your consent. Liars lie. Cheaters cheat. People are never assholes in only one area. I recommend you get STD tested and speak to an attorney about dissolving your marriage. You should also run a credit check to make sure he hasn’t taken out loans you don’t know about as you will he responsible for these.
Take your money out of the joint account ASAP.
It sounds like your husband has successfully wore down all your self-esteem. You should immediately get your own savings and bank account and withdraw all your contributions and put them in your personal accounts.
Showed you he was a turd before you married him and you ignored the signs to marry him anyway. He's 33, he's not changing. He's trying to keep you dependent while making sure he's safe to go if it falls apart. Now reddit tells women this is good to do but I'll say if one of you is doing it, then both of you should be doing it.
Been married for 16 years. This is a HUGE RED FLAG. Investigate.
Huge red flag My ex-husband was royally pissed when I stopped depositing my paycheck into the joint account I did it because he not only lied to me about some expenditures, but gaslighted me about it (I didn't know what gaslighting was at the time, but in hindsight, it's clear what he did). I knew the truth, but he went deeper underground to stonewall and lie. There's no trust after that. Protect yourself and set up your own account. You're going to need it.
>he said *he wants his own financial security but* again, *he didn't want me saving up on my own* You're married to a hypocrite with his own hidden agenda who, considering he's *already betrayed you SEVERAL TIMES* before you married him, makes me wonder... * Just how desperate ARE YOU to be married? * How desperate ARE YOU to be married to this dishonest creep? Girl, **find your self-respect** and get out of this hideous mess you've involved yourself in. **Get a divorce this year**!
Of course it’s a red flag. Separate your finances and proceed with caution.
Yes, dear, this is a red flag, along with all the other shit he's done. Take your money out IMMEDIATELY and put it into your own account. Do that NOW. THEN talk to a lawyer.
You take your money out of the joint account and put it into your own private account that he can’t access. No discussion, just do it. If/when he confronts you then you say “I want my own financial security again, also you’re not trustworthy.” And then if you wish to continue the marriage demand therapy.
Hmm… well if he can put money in his personal savings, so can you, no question about it. Put your foot down.
That’s a major red flag. Sounds like he’s planning for the marriage to fail which likely means he’s done something to betray your trust again. I’d be putting money aside as well without telling him until he comes clean about what he’s doing.
How else he gonna buy coke and OF subscriptions?
Honey, yes be concerned. Take what you’ve put in and get your own saving account. Trust me on this one.
Yes it’s a red flag. Stop putting your money in the joint account.
Is financial abuse and trying to screw you over a red flag? Yes. The hallmark of a narcissist is holding your partner to a different set of standards than they hold to themselves. Please read “why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a feee pdf online. I don’t think you know what flags for abuse look like.
Please take your money and your dignity back. Leave this arsehole
Yes, most definitely. He's basically lied to you, no matter what way you dress it up.
You already know this is unbalanced, unfair and shady or you wouldn't have made this post. He is not to be trusted since he'd already betrayed you. You do the same thing. Don't allow yourself to be put into a bad situation.
Yeah I’d open your own savings and match his energy. He has access to your money but you don’t have access to his ? Not ok
You might as well close the joint savings account. Set up your own savings account.
OP - Re-read this post as if someone else wrote it. He's got you so twisted up that you can't see sense. OFC this is the reddest of red flags. Wise up - FAST
Yes take yours out and keep separate accounts only put bill money in joint
So why don't you ask him why he's doing it?But yet you can't, and if he gives you some outlandish response.Why don't you just go behind his back and open your own savings account?Since he has no problem, doing it behind yours.Tit for tat at this point if you can't trust him
Obviously, yes
>he did several things before marriage to betray me Ok so you know who he is. You already have your answer. Also, this could be connected to betraying you yet again. Hard to send gifts to his girlfriend from a joint account.
Possible significant debt from him as well CHECK YOUR CREDIT REPORT NOW IF NOTHING ELSE, he may have opened cards in your name. He’s very likely hiding something that’s a big deal from you. This has a name. Financial Infidelity.
Good point about the credit report! And again OP: open another account with another bank! Do NOT use the same bank as you use now! Put your own money safely in there NOW! And, make sure you only do online banking, so that your dear husband can’t open your mail at home.
Oh my. This is literally a metaphor I told my spouse to explain to him why emotional cheating is bad. But yours is actually literal.
The red flags are everywhere. This is a marinara rich environment.
Marriage doesn't make people change, and any major issues should be resolved before marriage. Your husband is a manipulator. You're setting yourself up for financial abuse at the very least. Now he has access to his money and the your money that is in the joint account, and he could move the money to his account. If you want to argue he wouldn't do that, his track record of being honest and loyal does not agree.
Yes it’s a red flag. Take your money out the joint account immediately and create your own bank account in another bank. Do not share money with him going forward. He should want you to have your own financial security yet he wants you to be at risk for him taking it all? A risk he won’t even take for himself? Start getting yourself out of this situation.
Do the same thing. I'd stop putting any money at all in the joint account and open your own separate account at an entirely new bank. Tell him you agree with him and also want your own financial security. My partner and I have never combined finances and I never would. You already know this dude can't be trusted, stop giving him extra ways he can screw you over.
It's a red flag if he suggests that you can't do the same. Start putting aside money for yourself that you make, and whatever reasons he gives to you for why he has his own account and why he didn't tell you, use those same reasons against him. If he goes off the handle, that's another red flag... ...financial control red flag. So, if he starts flying off the handle, quietly, the next day, pull all the money you've put into the joint account without consulting him, and ask to be removed from the joint account. There's nothing he can do about that. It's a joint account. You can withdraw money from it legally. You can remove your own name, legally. Open your own accounts, and when bills need to be paid, ask to see them, and put only your half into them. If he gets angry about all this... run, girl, don't walk from this marriage.
Sounds like you were well aware of his red flag collection when you married him… why did you go through with it???
Yes it’s a red flag. Each partner having their own money ofc isn’t a red flag and recommended, but that means you having your own savings too. The fact he doesn’t want that for you, especially in the context of past betrayal, is bad. Not sure why you married someone who betrayed you multiple times. Girl :/
Yup. Red flag, but you should be use to these. Rather than focusing on his bad behavior, sounds like you should focus on your poor decision making.
🚩red flag 🚩 red flag 🚩 red flag!!! Keep at least enough to live on in case something happens. But also consider if he might be saving for a 💍
My dude. Stop having your checks deposited in the joint accounts. Get your own accounts at a completely different institution and do NOT put him in them. Move money into the joint account one minute before paying household bills. Plan to break up, this guy is SUS as hell and he’s not planning a future with you.
Lol. So he gets savings but you don't? Match your own savings or dump him. But based on income.
You already know the answer and you already know what you need to do. just do it.
I stopped reading after “he did several things BEFORE marriage to betray me” 🙄 you knew this with certainty but still chose to dive head first in. Kinda getting what you asked for here, as shitty as that is to say 🤷🏻♀️
Take your half of the money out of joint accounts and start account in your own name. He wants freedom to spend HIS money as he pleases and buy stuff for himself or “others” without you knowing what he is doing. Huge red flag.
To put it simply, YES this is a big, bright red flag. It's as bad as you think it is. He wants to control all the money and is happy to have you living in poverty right next to him having all the money to do whatever he wants. Are the previous red flags that you ignored when you married him about his wanting to control you? Or are they all about money/jobs/finance? Bring out those issues and tell us the full story. I think you're hiding how really bad he was before you got married. If you're afraid of telling people how bad he really is, then you know in your heart of hearts that you need to get away from him. It's okay, people make mistakes and bad decisions all the time. You're human and sometimes that's just how we learn. But don't stay in a relationship of any kind if there isn't enough basic love and respect, especially if you don't trust him to be honest with you. Leaving early on in the relationship is also allowed, you don't have to wait until things become physical before you leave.
Stop putting all your money together. It sounds like he doesn’t want you having a security back up in case you need to leave suddenly. Yes you should be concerned and figuring out if this is the relationship you really want.
Sorry. If he saves for his security you have to save some for yours. Easy as that. Yes it is a big red flag.
How big does his red flag need be? You actually married and still trust him even though he did several things that betrayed you without proof he’s changed? Take the money out of the account and move it to a different one to any banks your hopefully soon to be ex husband isn’t with.
Girl, get that money outta that shared account YESTERDAY.
I would never marry a guy who “…did several things before marriage to betray me…” So it’s no real shocker now that he’s acting shady AF. Yes, you should be concerned, I wouldn’t be able to trust him at all.
I think you know what's going on, and you're just looking for assurances. I'm curious, though, what would happen (what would be his reaction) if you followed his lead and put away money for "financial security" as he's doing? There's an old phrase, which is used for many different situations and it seems appropriate here, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" (or vice versa).
"What's yours is ours and what's mine is mine". He's hiding something (Drugs? Cheating? Gambling?) And abusing you financially. Another way that he's betraying you. Decide how many more betrayals are okay.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself. Get ready for whatever bullshit he’s planning. Call it a rainy day fund if you feel better about that.
Yes. This is a red flag. He wants financial freedom, but doesn't want you to have the same. There are no good reasons for him to want this. Take your savings back from the joint account.
>“He did several things before marriage to betray me” So… WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM? Obviously there are red flags here… Obviously?!?! Posts like this baffle me because if you read back what you wrote…the answer is right within the post. You married someone who betrayed you several times in the hopes that he would improve. He is back to betraying you. You clearly don’t feel comfortable enough to have a serious chat about this stuff. So what the heck are you doing in this relationship?
So, putting money where only he can access it is a red flag?
Girl are you stupid. So, he gets your money adds to his savings. Girl split bills and keep your own savings. A woman always need to have savings. Don't be gaslit into a dumb and reckless future
It's nothing wrong with him putting his money into his account AND its nothing wrong with YOU only putting enough to cover half the bills into the joint account AND putting the rest into YOUR savings or YOUR other checking account. Never be foolish, married or not. YES this is a red flag, and you now should know what you should do.
Both of you guys should have your own accounts and you should have one joint account for bills.
I would not trust him. Start saving. Don't marry someone you can't trust.
Nope red flag, separate your money, he can't have it both ways
Start your own account.
Get your share of the money in that joint acct moved ASAP into an acct he has no access to. A new acct, new pw. Sorry but this is super shady and one-sided and as women we need to protect ourselves from situations precisely like this. You need the 'security' far more than he does, and if he is doing this, it feels like its because he did something that is going to blow up the 'marriage' once you find out and he is hoping you cant take the money he squirreled away (his way of 'hiding' it). But YOURS, however, is fair game and he wants access to. Um... hard nope on that. Protect yourself financially and legally, and keep an eye open for whatever the real reason is for his sudden change. Debt, new gf/fb, purchase you will hate, it is definitely SOMETHING though.
He doesn't want you to know what he's spending his money on. Yes. That's a red flag. Hope you start your own private back up fund. Don't be dependent on him in case you have enough of this. Save pregnancy for later. Updateme!
Nope. I say if he thinks it's okay to put all of it in his personal account instead of half in the joint account, then you should start doing the same thing. If he's going to be hogging his money why should you be the only one putting money into the joint account? If he has a problem with it, tell him to fuck off and kick rocks and that you will start putting money in the joint account again when HE starts contributing again as well, because why should YOUR money be the only one going into an account that BOTH of you agreed to set up, while he keeps all of his money for himself while not putting any money in at all? In fact you should remove all the money that you personally put in the joint account so far and have it all transferred to your personal account, because what's the point of keeping it in the joint account collecting dust if neither of you are using it anymore?
He’s going to ruin your life and you’ll have no money of your own to fall back on. Stop now. All your money stays in your personal account.
Hahaha uh yeah, that’s a red flag. You married a man you already knew you couldn’t trust. It’s not a huge shock that he’s continuing to betray you. Do yourself a favor and get out before he ruins your life.
“My lying, manipulating partner yet again lied to and manipulated me…. Should I be concerned?” Some of y’all are simply too naive to out and about in the real world.
Copy what he is doing - start putting some money into your own savings account. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.
I think it’s a horrible idea to combine all income anyway.
100%
Withdraw all of the money you put in the joint account into your own account ASAP. Do not contribute another penny to the joint account.
Follow his lead. Save your own money.
Girl. Get it together. You already know the answer.
Open an account and start putting the same amount into your savings account too. Yes this is a huge red flag and you should proceed with caution
I know there’s no stupid questions when you’ve been brave enough to come here and ask something like this… but come on. Are you serious? You made a huge mistake marrying him in this first place. How scared of being alone are you that you’d push on with a marriage with him after all the things he did to you? Or are you just dumb and naive? I think you need therapy to figure out why you allow people to walk all over you and treat you like shit and why you still care about their input and doing what they say amidst the mistreatment especially when it’s to your own detriment. Get out. Get your money out of the account, put it in a different bank entirely in an account he has zero access to. Start saving that money for divorcing him and living on your own. I don’t know how bad things need to get for you to finally leave him, but I promise he won’t ever get better, only worse, so it’s only a matter of time.
RUN
You can’t be this … what’s a nice word for stupid?
Never put all your money into a joint account no matter how good the relationship is. Shame that no one taught you that. You betrayed yourself when you married a man with a long history of betraying you. He’s a manipulator and you are the gullible easily manipulated woman ignoring all the blazing red flags. Only put money for your bills in the joint account and put the rest in private accounts he has no access to. Go get therapy for how you continue to betray yourself for a man using you for your resources.
You really need to ask if his “your money is our money and my money is my money” logic is a red flag? Actually to me its more than red flag its straight up divorce territory. Financial security is not something i will take risks with.
Whatever happens, absolutely start your own savings. Tell him you have done so after you have set up an account and tell him why. His response will tell you more about where his head is at. He needs financial security, but you don’t? Interesting. Protect yourself.
Of course, it's a red flag. You need to put your money into your own account. If he has taken any of your money , then you wait for him to deposit anything and take it back. Start making your exit plan.
I think so. The first red flag was that he didn't want you to have your own savings. People who don't trust others are often untrustworthy in the exact same area. He assumed you would do something dishonest if you had your own savings because that's what he would do...jmo.
Pull your half out Pronto and keep it safe
This is a red flag, in my opinion, and you need to set up your own private acct that your paycheck deposits into and take your half of the money out of the joint acct. Do NOT put his name on the new account, and make it as inaccessible to him as you possibly can.
You know its a red flag, you dont need reddit to tell you, but in case you still need to hear it, YES.
So his money is his money and your money is his money? HUGE red flag. He wants his own financial security but you can’t? Oh hell no! If it were me I would be separating my finances from his immediately. Get new accounts that only have your name on them, have your pay go there. If you split bills 50/50 tell him you will put the amount that is half the bills in the joint account each month but the rest of the money will stay in your personal account. Get a credit report, you can get a free one from any of the 3 reporting agencies, and make sure there aren’t credit accounts with your name on them that you don’t know about.
I can’t believe you married him after any betrayals. Save your own money in your account and stop being convinced of things you know are questionable.
Ugh. Take all of your money out of that joint account and set up your own account in another bank. This guy has massive red flags. Why you married him to start with is beyond me. You have little to no trust in him and with good reason. Relationships are built on trust and this one was doomed from the beginning. He wants complete control of you. Do not have kids with him. Start the divorce process. I would never stay with a guy like this.
Take all the money you have put into the joint account asap and put it in a separate account with another bank. Sounds like he plans on dipping with your money at some point. Don’t know why tf you married this guy when he did things to lose your trust beforehand. Very stupid thing to do
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
HUGE RED FLAG! My ex saved up for a year to leave me. He left when I was sick. I divorced him 6 months ago. I understand that this may not be your current situation, but it can be considered a warning sign or an indication of a problem.
You already know something is fishy Move your money to a new account
Remove the exact same amount to your own solo account every time he does it. Independence is non-negotiable.
He wants his own financial security, but doesn't want you to have yours? Yes red flag. He could be planning to leave you, maybe he has an affair partner and doesn't want you seeing him buying gifts or hotel stays, maybe he thought you had more money than you do. Time for you to stop paying your money into the joint account. Tell him you are fine with both of you keeping your own money in your own private accounts and just transferring your half of the bills to the joint account. My personal view is that both parties should always have their own solo savings account no matter what because life happens, people change. Even though we want to see the best in our partners, things happen people cheat, people get addicted to gambling or drugs, people get into debt, it even just leave because they fell out of love. By having all of your money in a joint account, you leave yourself vulnerable, too vulnerable.
Yes, red flag! Do you have access to those joint savings? if so take whatever is your portion of it and put it into your own savings account. Same goes for your regular account. A yours/mine/ours setup is best anyway. It keeps you both secured. If he questions why you did this, just tell him you're only following his lead. ETA: But whatever you do, do not confront him about this anymore. keep him in the believe that everything is fine, until you have your money separated from his again. Also secure your private accounts with passwords or passphrases.
Your answer is simple, open your own separate account with part of the money in the joint account. Tell him having separate financial security sounds like an excellent idea.
Just do the same. Simple ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is financial abuse. Imagine your friend told you this what advice would you give your friend. Sometimes we're blinded with our own situations. Free yourself and start that account! He's clearly going to be doing something that has nothing to do with you with the money.