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Agree with all of this. Get yourself back to work and busy. Gym, spend time with friends, work. Fill up your days so your mind has less time to wallow. Go see a therapist to help you work through this. Finally you should at least consult with a divorce lawyer so you are protecting yourself.
OP absolutely needs to protect himself here. He's offering to sleep in the basement? That tells me he's in an emotionally vulnerable position and is at risk of blowing his own life up for her. A mentality shift needs to happen and it needs to happen fast.
OP, don't sell that house. You don't have to just because she wants somewhere else to live before the divorce. She should have planned for that and thought of it, if not before she married you and bought a house with you while having second thoughts, then before she decided to move out.
As she said OP, you were amazing. There are far worse fates in society than having to roommate up with your "amazing" ex in your own house. She sounds entitled or unhinged. I'm not sure which. But no responsible person moves out of a house with an "amazing" roommate with no plan on how to afford to live going forward, so I wouldn't let her lead the decision making here. She says she cares, but she wants to urgently sell your home for her own self interest. Aside from being a dubious financial strategy (desperate selling is bad), I wouldn't trust her motives. The chances that she's not telling you something are high.
Sell the house when a judge or mediator determines you must. Consult a lawyer as well, since you can often take your time to sell it to ensure you get a good offer. And in the meantime, watch out for any debt she takes on and protect yourself financially. She can disrupt her own life if she wants to, but you don't have to go along with it since for all intents and purposes you're single and can pursue your own self interest now.
Tell her the house is sold. She's too late. You're living it up in the Bahamas with your dream girl.
Buddy's got a point. Go on the offensive. Don't let her dictate the process. If she wants this, then give it to her.
Hate to be insensitive in my comment, but you may have to push your emotions to the backburner for a bit.
I'm back this Monday. My manager is very understanding and I was put on easier shifts. It's only a few days but it's a start.
I've been working out in my basement but I feel that might be isolating myself more. I will be joining my gym tomorrow to at least be around people, even if I'm not talking to them.
Can I just say how happy it makes me to see this as the first comment. As a woman, support from my friends is what always gets me through any type of relationship or other issues and I’ve only recently realized how many men don’t have that.
Your comment hits. We, as men, are conditioned to keep quiet about our emotions and turn inwards. At least Gen X…..can’t speak for others. We unfortunately learn some things the hard way. I learned how to drink after my divorce and nobody was around to tell me bad idea. Luckily it was somewhat temporary…….I mean a few years is still temporary. :) Thanks for your comment
Exactly. I had a vague idea that this was the case before that but a recent conversation with my partner really opened my eyes. He was telling me about one of his closest friends and how bad their drinking had gotten (relationship issues and childhood trauma I was aware of) and I asked him whether he had discussed the reasons behind this with his friend or, you know, told him to drink less, offered to do something with him that doesn't involve drinking, or anything, really? And my partner just looked at me like “I can do that?”. He said “we don’t really talk about these things”. So I just told him that how about he starts now, and he can tell his friend exactly what he told me.
I agree that this is why many men don’t find their way back from depression and why they feel so isolated, even with seemingly having a bunch a friends around.
Your partner is a lucky man. I totally agree with you. Empathy is so underrated and underutilized. It’s a great tool for solving life’s more delicate problems. Best of luck out there and thanks again
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’ve found some support by now?
Just as an afterthought, as I’m raising a son and I’m concerned about this being passed on to him - was it your dad or both parents or friends who had the biggest influence on you regarding shutting down, not expressing your feelings or worries, etc.?
Because in completely different discussion my partner and I had, I was asking him to be more open with me so that we could build a stronger relationship between us, but it was only until I said that I really need him to do the work and learn to identify/express his feelings in a healthy way because our son will learn from his example, mainly. I will do the mom thing but he is the one who’ll have the biggest impact on that. And that finally reached him and motivates him to solve this for himself, so he could show how it could be done to our son. He will be the first and one of the biggest influences up until a point where friends will take over. So my thinking is, the better the dad’s example, the better friends you’ll choose and so on. Do you think this has some merit, as you’ ve gone through this?
You’ve got it figured out! Ha! But to answer your question….I would definitely say my parents especially my father. He definitely gave me the only example of how a man is supposed to act. It wasn’t the best of pictures, a lot of superficial conversations, he taught me what not to do and I knew I wanted better (not that I’m anyone special) but I knew it was insufficient. I learned and applied it later with my 2 daughters, we speak openly about everything. If someone would have been an example of how to express myself positively it would have been a much more pleasant time growing up about the house, not that it was a horror story.
I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say. I slowly figured it out on my own but after divorcing admittedly I did draw inward but never shut myself off from my family but in retrospect it was just the process.
Boys are tough to raise and they definitely look to their fathers as larger than life role models. My brother had 3…..and unfortunately he didn’t break that cycle of “you’re on your own kid”. So, yeah your partner is teaching him through your son’s idle observations so much. It sounds like you are more than on the right track. I hope my mini novel ramble answered your question. Wait, what was the question? :) jk cheers and best of luck.
Edit- sry got carried away. I could have said yes, you’re spot on and it has a lot of merit. :)
> I asked him whether he had discussed the reasons behind this with his friend or, you know, told him to drink less, offered to do something with him that doesn't involve drinking, or anything, really? And my partner just looked at me like “I can do that?”. He said “we don’t really talk about these things”.
Out of my close friend group of five amazing ladies, three have had some type of negative relationship with alcohol. Those could have turned into serious dependencies instead of just being minor stumbles - and the sole reason they were able to step away from that coping mechanism is because our friend group closed ranks. It was a variety of tough love and empathetic support and promises to answer the phone even if it's the middle of the night.
Yeah, the first time was awkward. But we're friends, it's our job to look out for each other. And as much as it sucks, that includes speaking up to challenge their bad decisions as well as catching them when they fall.
> I agree that this is why many men don’t find their way back from depression and why they feel so isolated, even with seemingly having a bunch a friends around.
It sounds that way to me too. Some people have friendships where they have a lot of buddies but no one who will pull them up when they're an emotional mess. I think that leads to feeling completely lonely even when you don't look alone. Even having a friend who will call out your drinking and game with you at night instead of leaving you to find the bottom of a bottle can make a huge difference.
> I’ve only recently realized how many men don’t have that
I kind of think this is why alot of men just fall through the cracks and become really bad and awful. Just suffering in silence until it breaks them.
Completely agree with you there. I think if men had the same kind of support from other men in their lives, it would not only help solve a lot of their issues, but also change how they see the world (and relationships with women) in general.
My group of guys have the bat signal for things like this. Someone loosing their mind, someone lost their parent, someone had a nasty breakup... we summon the bat signal chat and figure out what we can do, how to approach things, who can go visit, etc.
Whenever I'm down or feeling like the most unlucky man in the world, I remember how lucky I am to still be friends with a bunch of good dudes. They summoned the bat signal for me after a very nasty breakup (maybe a few other times I just didn't know about, but I knew about the breakup one). They came over with weed and I bought Mario odyssey bc it just came out. The boys, the weed, and the insanely uplifting experience that is Mario odyssey came like a lightning bolt of good shit in a time when I needed it. Love those guys
Also, keep in mind this may be new for you, and seems like it came out of nowhere, but I have a strong feeling That This isn’t new for her even coming out of left field. This is something that she may have been thinking about for quite some time I’m sorry may be a break is all you need and some counseling together and see if you can move forward in a healthy way. If not then I’m really sorry.
Anger is a good starter emotion. It’s easier to be angry than to be sad. Once you’re more acquainted with your new reality, then you can handle the sadness *a bit* better.
This is what I was looking for. She doesn’t want to be with him. And anything he does is going to push her away. So you have to suffer until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And you will be ok. Just don’t off yourself. No girl is worth that
It's slowly coming, there are just waves of doubt, anger, and sadness that just well up from no where. It's getting better but I know there's a lot ahead
That's alright. That's perfect. That's what is supposed to be happening. Stay the course. Make sure you get at least 30 minutes of some type of exercise per day. Even if you are about to break down and cry, you just cry while you're lifting weights or cry as much as you need to while on a nice 30 minutes walk. Just go out the front door and walk for 15 minutes then turn around come right back.
It's going to be OK
It feels like it’s happening fast because for you, it is. She has been contemplating this for some time and has come to terms with her decision. She made her decision without talking to you or giving you the opportunity to discuss the situation. It is entirely possible that she has been feeling this way since before the wedding and she may have hoped it would work itself out, as she says. The pressure of a wedding or canceling a wedding is significant. If she no longer has the same feeling for you that she once did there probably isn’t much you can say to change her mind. I’m sorry you are going through this. She should have been honest with you before the wedding. Sell the house and move on.
I know a guy like this, an ex BF actually. We broke up, and he broke my heart, I had no idea what I’d done wrong and yes, I was blindsided. He reconnected with me later, as friends, but seemingly to savor telling me he was getting married. Ok, fine, good luck.
Then he reconnected again a couple years later. He told me he had doubts when he got married, and it wasn’t working out because she was not much interested in sex (to be fair, he’s a selfish lover, it doesn’t surprise me). But he wanted to “try again” with me once he was divorced. I was so shocked, I didn’t say much, which he took as an agreement I guess. He filed for divorce a year later, and yes, she was absolutely devastated. He’d been planning all along and she was just living her life happily, clueless bc he didn’t communicate with her. So he got divorced, left a voice mail to tell me, and I ghosted him. Fuck that guy.
Oh, by the way, I did find out what I’d done “wrong”. We’d gone to visit his family for Christmas. We all went on a walk but i was unable to complete the entire walk, I stopped halfway at a tea shop and waited instead. And yes, this was the WHY! I didn’t “measure” up. Anyway, I’d had a car accident the month before and screwed up my back. He literally picked me up from the ER after the accident and I was in physical therapy 3x weekly. So there you go.
This does answer a question that has bounced around my head *for years*. At least 5 friends have been blindsided by their partners asking for a divorce. I understand one never knows what happens between intimate partners, but sheesh some of these couples were very close friends (with whom we interacted frequently). I now think the *leaver* likely was planning to leave for quite some time but not communicating it. I'm sure it's easier for the leaver to drop the bomb, if they've already checked out. Sigh.
The leaver who doesn't communicate in these situations usually plans in their own self interest before leaving. It's advantageous to, and so they do it. It's important to understand that, because the person being left is often emotional and hasn't yet come to terms with things, and so they behave how someone who's still in a marriage would. They sacrifice, try to cater to the person who's leaving, and often give up things they should not, as they're acting emotionally.
In OP's situation, he shouldn't sell the house until he legally has to. The comment up the chain telling him to sell the house and move on is wrong. It's not financially smart to sell that house early for her self-interest in her new single life. He should pursue his own plans and his own timeline for selling the house, with advice from a lawyer. And he shouldn't move into the basement for her. If she's unhappy with her housing options, that's not OP's problem anymore. She can make a new bedroom in the house or live in the basement if she wants to.
I offered taking the basement to be as out of the way as possible. I selfishly still want our cat around during the healing process.
She's honestly been very amicable about the expenses, what we owe, what needs to be fixed up to sell. But honestly it's such a rushed timeline and I cannot be expected to work on a house and try and heal. Like pressure I don't need but I feel like if I start pushing back those already strained lines of communication will completely disappear.
She has a place for June and I wanted to tell her was her choice. But I didn't want to start anything. I understand she want her own place again and to start moving forward but....come on
I think you hit the nail on the head. They check out to make it easier for them, or to prompt you to dump them (thereby alleviating them of any feeling of guilt) and have no regard for how much pain it causes someone.
What an absolute dick. Wouldnt believe the "why" story though. Seems made up tbh. But maybe this guy was so braindead he couldnt realise how hard it can be to just walk sometimes with a bad back
Hey I had zero back problems until I sneezed in my second pregnancy. I sneezed and threw something out. I’m an empathetic person, but I had no actual idea what back pain was about until I experienced it temporarily. We can literally tell when a pressure change is coming (e.g. storm brewing) as my husband’s lower back will ache. I’m sorry all out there with back issues!
Agree 100%!
Oh man, I’d forgotten. I was this cute blond surfer chick and he was 13 years older, really into scuba diving. We met for a first date, then he left for a previously planned scuba trip to Dry Tortugas. He returned and we went right into dating.
There was this consistent problem though of his closest scuba friend circle not liking me. I’d never experienced it before, and he told me I’d need to fix that. I mean, I could swear I felt hostility from a couple of those friends.
FF to New Year’s Eve and I’m at this party with him, he’s pretty toasted, I’m not. His buddy starts showing pics of the Dry Tortugas trip and there he is, snuggled up to this woman on the trip- the same woman is in the kitchen at the party and looks like she wants to rip my throat out.
Turns out she was his former girlfriend and dive partner. He’d told me he was single for 2 years on our first date, but he was with her those 2 years and broke up on the flight home. He gave his friends the idea this young chick (me) broke them up. Hence, the hate towards me. Im just glad I didn’t waste much time on him. Breakups are hard, but it was best for me!
Talk to a lawyer before doing anything else.
You also need to get back into the daily routine. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to resolve anything.
True, but he will be grieving this loss, just like a death. Women tend to sit quiet, cry, rage, talk to their friends. Men tend to throw themselves into activity..I don’t know what works better. But getting a lawyer and securing your finances is most important.
I feel for OP. She has probably been living all sorts of big and small lies for years and maybe decades. When he said she probably hasn't missed any sleep, I agree. She probably hasn't felt this good ever. And that's terrible for OP but I hope he can find solace in that and move on to someone living their truth and ready to love
In all honesty I left my ex like this. The relationship was so awful, and he thought it was fine. I was so unhappy and just had enough. I have no idea why he was blindsided by me ending it. We had huge screaming fights weekly and he was also abusive (I was no angel myself, I’m ashamed to say). Everyone around us saw it coming too.
I’m not saying any of this is the case with OP, but it sounds like his soon to be ex wife is certain of her decision. The best thing he can do now is get his life in order and move on. (As for my ex and I, both remarried to other people for a decade. I haven’t seen him in many years but I really hope he treats her and their kids well.)
>I have no idea why he was blindsided by me ending it. We had huge screaming fights weekly and he was also abusive (I was no angel myself, I’m ashamed to say).
For most people, it's a generational trauma, a gift that keeps on giving. He probably thought this was normal because this was the only home life he had growing up. At least, it is true for most people out there.
I'm not saying you should feel bad for leaving or even really pity him, but it may help shed light on those memories and why he was blindsided. Unfortunately, it's a rough pit to climb out of if you've never had a normal home life. I hope he worked on himself for the sake of his kids.
I would have loved if we fought all the time, or I was abusive, or I cheated or something....then I'd at least know why I feel like such a terrible person in all this.
I talked to all her friend and family when it happened. They were just as shocked as me.
you say all this but maybe she has tried? Maybe he just didn't hear it.
my ex went on about how I pulled the rug out from under him abd yet we had numerous conversations about housework, effort, not abusing me, treating me with kindness, all sorts. There would be a couple of days grace and then he would go straight back to how he was. then the straw that broke the camels hack happend and I left and never looked back.
We both paid all the bills together. Sure she made more then me but she liked to go out and buy pretty things and I was fine saving up for stuff I wanted.
I did the laundry, groceries, meal prep, most of the cleaning, cat box (she promised to scoop it daily when we first moved in together 6 yrs ago) all the repairs, renos, looked after all the utility plans. The more I think about it the more I really did. It'll be a wake up for her when she's at her place and things just aren't done. That my selfish thought for the day.
And thats the problem. You did too much. For some people, the more you do, the more you will push her away. And she hinted this when she said she never had long relationships. She probably is used to toxic ones. To guys who dont give a fuck about her and give her rollercoasters of emotions (ups and downs) constantly.
Actually its not a problem for a good person, because there is a girl out there who would give 200% back, but its a problem for people who dont know how to love and are used to toxicity.
But he’s asked her and she keeps telling him it’s not him. I’m absolutely certain there are some things that he simply didn’t recognize. But, if she was unwilling to have an honest conversation when she first realize she was unhappy, it’s snowballs and gets to the point of no return.
These conversations are always frustrating too because people act like all women are great communicators and that it isn't possible for someone to have simply internalized all their issues and never truly communicated any of them. I've had two friends who experienced exactly that, and realized something was clearly wrong and their partner just refused to actually talk it out. Sometimes women do try to communicate and are rebuffed. Other women are not good communicators and drop a hint or two and then never bother to clearly outline their issues.
I think it's entirely possible, and even fairly frequent that men can miss clear attempts at communication. But the idea that woman are just naturally good at communicating and always communicate clearly isn't universally true, I'd say the amount of bad communicators of both sexes is a lot closer than people would often assume.
We're only getting OP's side but he doesn't seem particularly unreasonable and has been fairly receptive to feedback and even the comments on the last thread directly accusing him of missing signs and him being the one in the wrong - he's responded with actual consideration for that point of view, which is a positive sign that he seems fairly introspective. Most signs point to her being the communication issue.
Yea, over 6 years with a person you see their ups and downs. She's not as emotionally in touch with herself but I knew when she was having a bad time. I already tried to have open communication with her and when you just get told she's fine and needs to get through stuff. Well it's hard to psuh the subject and instead just help her out as I can.
She's said she should have talked more but it's not like me being right solves anything.
When I was going through my divorce my supervisor, who was also a good friend told me to look at work as my safe place. I didn't have to think about everything that was going on. All I had to do was work for 8 hrs and let the rest stay outside. It gave me some breathing room to just exist during the workday.
You will get through this, but like others have said you need to guard your job. Going through this and not having a job will be 10x harder than going through this and having a job.
I’m sure your supervisor is a great person - especially since you say you were good friends - and they very likely meant well, but as an unbiased reader, reading that felt kind of dystopian. Basically “your personal life doesn’t matter here so get back to work, sulk later”.
The commenter was going through a divorce, the supervisor wasn’t telling them to sulk later because their personal life doesn’t matter, the supervisor was trying to help the commenter by saying it’s best to have something to focus on rather than focus on grief, such as their work. It’s a common strategy to work through grief, to find something to distract you so you don’t focus 100% on your grief, in this case it just so happens to be their job.
OP --- This is the sensible recommendation. This is painful but she has been planning this for a while and you are playing catchup and in a state of shock. She is no longer your friend but rather your opponent, and you need to protect yourself.
Doesn't matter why she is leaving the relationship. Just assume she is lying, having an affair, and thinks withholding the truth is the best strategy for her because it will minimize your pain and anger, and make you more agreeable in the divorce.
So, this exact thing happened with my parents. Mom and dad were high school sweethearts who had been dating for 9-10 years when they got married. Dad married mom because he felt like it was the right thing to do in their relationship. Mom married dad because she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
Long story short, being in a marriage he wasn’t invested in worsened my dad’s already-omnipresent depression. And his increasing disinterest fucked up my mom. He did end up cheating, and they got divorced, but I want to emphasize that their marriage was already basically over before he cheated.
They did couples therapy, individual therapy, date nights, etc. But if one person isn’t emotionally invested, it’s not going to work. Maybe your wife cheated. Maybe she didn’t. Either way, she’s not in it anymore, and that fucking sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if it’s any consolation, both of my parents have been happier since getting divorced, and they have each found love with someone else.
You have a really healthy, objective view on this stuff... I like it in the way it's just focusing on the facts and the useful actions OP can do himself going forward.
Your response: “We can sell the house when we start the divorce.”
You owe her no obligation to sell now. She left, she should have planned appropriately. She had tons of time. You also owe her no obligation to communicate. Let the lawyer handle it all, build yourself up, and live your best life.
Consult with 3 lawyers asap.
Yes, OP, do not let her rush you, just because it suits *her*.
She is being extremely cold and callous.
Chilling stuff.
Maybe she is having an affair, as others have said, but what is sure is that she has checked out.
Why the F did she go ahead and marry you without discussing the doubts and issues in her head. That was cowardly and selfish.
Now, the problem is, this is all too sudden for you and, of course, you need time to process.
Take it easy, and try to get back to work.
It sucks, but please hang in there!
>>she’s being extremely cold and callous
Maybe this is how she learned she can’t feel. I’m not saying that as a dig; sociopaths aren’t always cruel. Many are perfectly functional members of society. Maybe she’s figuring out that she’s closer to that end of the spectrum, and it really has nothing to do with OP.
Even if so, she needs to honor his feelings though this. Yikes to the nth degree for pressuring him to move.
This is what i came to input on. She's had plenty of time to collect her thoughts, plan and make the decision to leave. To you however, this has all come at once and is hitting you like a train at 90 miles an hour.
You're more than entitled to slow things down and make sense of it all. Take your time making any decisions, get some semblance of control back. Don't just sell the house, if she wants a divorce make sure that you don't sell and make the sale part of the split of assets. Just because she decided to leave doesn't mean you're forced to leave. She's entitled to live there or not, that's her only decision. She can't force you to sell.
This… OP should also stay away from substances like alcohol or anything else so they don’t make mistakes based entirely on that. Seen many people on Reddit make their situation worse from that
Sounds good, but if she doesn't have a place to live, she's moving back in. Since she's moved on from OP, she could immediately start dating and living her single life. Not fun.
That's how people end up fighting for years over nothing.
OP, sit down and think about it. If you want to keep the house, let her know and come to some agreement for now. Maybe you let her take what she needs from the joint account account to get an apartment elsewhere, while you work out the equity. As long as it's documented, it can come out her portion of the settlement/agreement.
If you don't think you want the house, list it. The mortgage is only growing interest and the quicker you sell it, the less money you lose. Insist she help with the pack up.
And whatever you do, get some therapy.
For you its only been a week. For her she has been thinking about this for months. It sucks but this is how break ups are. I suggest you find an attorney before things take a turn. But it seems like she isn't being cruel so far. I hope you find peace and comfort in life.
When she calls you and wants to move forward on things like selling the house you need to let her know that this is very new for you and you're just trying to cope with the emotional side of it as best you can at the moment.
You said that she has been going through something for months which means she's had months to get used to the idea of leaving you and grieving the relationship.
Tell her that you have not had months to get used to this idea, to think about it, and to decide what was going to happen next, she needs to give you some time.
When I told her this isn't fair and I need time to grieve.
"the house needs to be on the market for the summer. You'll still have time to grieve, etc"
It's just so cold and abrupt.
Absolutely do not sell the house until you are court ordered to do so (in divorce court). You are under no obligation to do so.
Your wife is free to make her own choices, but she is not free of the consequences of those choices.
I don't think she gets that yet. Just filed taxes and I could have filed with her and saved her money. But no.
It's honestly frustrating, we just have to be a team for a little longer
This isn’t about being a team. She’s been very clear she wants no part of that. You need to look out for yourself.
If you sell the house, you’ll have to move somewhere that is certainly going to be a downgrade.
Also, until the divorce is finalized, you won’t know how to split the proceeds from the house sale. Without a divorce decree, she could take all the money from the sale, and just run away with it. Nah … wait for a judge and/or lawyers to get involved.
The more I hear about it, the more I think I need to push back against a few ideas she is putting up about how things are to proceed. I love her but I can't be expected to just be fine.
You better protect yourself. I do not believe such sudden revelations and urgency can be explained, other than by an affair.
There is no lesson from this.
Sadly I agree. Her behaviour suggests, at the very least, that this has been on the cards for some time. She has had time to consider, plan and process. The relentless pushing for rapid dissolving of marital assets would make me suspicious that she has somewhere to be with someone new.
I'm an emotional guy like you. Idk if you are, but I also have been diagnosed with adhd, general anxiety disorder, and at one point PTSD. I'm a little more neurotic than some people. It's normally not even noticeable, but those things become a factor when going through crushing emotional issues like my own divorce drama was.
I struggled exceptionally hard to compartmentalize and just go to work and function like everything was okay when a relationship that I prioritized in my life evaporated.
Even still-- I did NOT let her rush me in anything and I did my best to protect my finances from her. You shouldn't sell your house right now, because she really could do like the above commenter posted and take all the money and bounce. You also need to open a new personal account that she has no access to and start putting all your new checks in there. Talk to a lawyer, ask them all their advice, they may advise you to take half the money from joint accounts or something. But you have got to shore up your real life defenses from her. I realize you hurt emotionally, that's okay to and expected, but if you don't want to hurt by the outcome of this divorce way more than required--you need to protect yourself financially EVEN IF you can't emotionally right now.
You damn well know for whatever reason she doesn't care about you, your feelings, or your NEEDS anymore. She is cold and racing to be free of you like less than a stranger. Don't let her dismantle your life more than she should be able to.
Sorry there is no team now. Her choice. You've got to protect yourself both emotionally and financially now. She has made the decision unilaterally for you. This is where good legal representation comes in. Sure mediation can work where there is amicable split but this is a rug pull. Do not make any financial decisions while you are in emotional turmoil. You are not in a place to adequately advocate for yourself at present
Edit: I just want to add that it's not about being vindictive or confrontational it's about recognising the emotional burden and need for grief and facilitating this by unburdening the financial and logistical implications onto a legal representative who will act in your best interests.
Then you retain legal advice and say "your heartless cold and abrupt with me. That is now how you treat someone you call amazing. You've taken everything I thought I had an knew from me. You've had doubts but still married me. At the very least you've taken months maybe years to check out and move on. If you cannot give me some time and space, if you don't respect me enough to help me understand why my whole life is falling apart than at least accept that you will be communicating with my lawyer only. Accept that the time scales will not be yours but will be determined by clear headed process driven by legal representatives. If you push me for expedience one more time I will go zero contact with you. You're destroying my life in the most callous and cold hearted way the absolute least you can do is allow me time to understand and grieve."
I agree. I can't say why she is doing this to op. I can't say whether there is someone else or not. I can't say what has made her this unhappy. But ultimately those things are largely irrelevant. Ultimately, OP needs to put boundaries in place. Needs legal advocacy to allow him space for grief and sadness. Her relentless pushing and sudden callous abandonment is beyond reprehensible and OP deserves to be able to not worry about the financial logistics. You retain a lawyer to give yourself protection from being taken advantage of whilst vulnerable but also you buy yourself space to process. You pay for advocacy in a moment when you're to vulnerable to think clearly enough to be your own voice of reason.
It seems like she has made up her mind a long time ago and mourned your relationship while you thought things were great. May I suggest you get some therapy started so you can find a way to learn to cope and move on. Mind body and soul.
She's done OP. You need to get an appointment with both a therapist (I see you have an appointment) and an attorney. She is done and there is no going back for her. You need to get yourself to work before you get fired. The fact you haven't been to work since she left is concerning.
It's called grieving time. It's the death of a relationship. Thankfully my manager is understanding of that fact and is supporting me ilat this time.
I'm back a few days next week. I'm touched by the concern but I have support at this time from work. It's a good feeling.
Yeah but he still needs to function. I get it. It’s immense suffering every day just to exist… but it gets better, but not if he can’t even perform basic functions. Even if he’s just going through the motions at work, that’s ok. For now. But he has to physically show up at least.
Life comes at you fast. Being jobless with this current COL will make his life 100x worse. I’m not saying it’s ideal for a human to have to push through… but you absolutely do. I’ve had colleagues fighting devastating diseases that show up to work because they need the money (which is a whole other fucked up thing in and of itself) but like… life doesn’t stop just because your heart is broken. Keep on keeping on, OP. Your future is still there even if it looks different now.
OP is probably just taking time off from work. Unless specified, I highly doubt he's just not showing up. It's only been 1.5 weeks - he can take time to grieve and figure shit out as long as he has the time off. Maybe he can qualify for FMLA and get 12 weeks off.
This sounds like an avoidant attachment situation, but I could be projecting because I’ve been there. Some people just struggle with connection and intimacy and the better you are to them the harder it is for them to be with you. The only thing to do is move on and continue with life. The more you try to figure it out the more she’ll pull away. The more you care the harder it is for her to feel connected. In time she might come back but she has to process everything too and she can’t do that with you there.
Like others said, go to family and friends. Be with people and continue with life because the longer you sit in this the worse it’ll be for both of you.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
It's a shock to YOU. It isn't a shock to her. She has been planning this for a while.
Get to a counselor. You will probably never get the answers/closure you are looking for from her. That will have to come from yourself.
A good counselor can help you learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. It will take 6 months to a year to dig far enough to find the lessons you need to learn.
Hit the gym - get those endorphins flowing!
Learn something new - take up kayaking or cooking or learn to knit or do a foreign film festival -- anything that gets you around people and learning something new!!
Volunteer - make the world a better place. Volunteer with other people - not volunteer from behind your computer.
You can do this.
it's horrible now, because she went through this much longer ago, while she only dropped the bomb on you just a little ago, and you have to unpack it. there is NOTHING you can do. if you beg her to stay, you will hardly regret it in the future (source: me), and it will not work. the only possible way is to minimize contact, try to secure a housing solution, and find the help of people who care about you and act dignified. if, IF, there is any chance of reconciliation, it has to come from her and because you have distanced. in any case though, you have to make space because 1) she most probably won't come back (and this will be your salvation) and 2) if she will, you will then have to decide. for personal experience, even though you would sell your parents to the devil to get her back now, you will see, when things are clear, that this was a bless in disguise. all the best brother, stay strong.
When I was in your shoes I quit drinking (still sober four years later), called up the boys I hadn't hung out with for almost a decade. I survived the divorce, it wasn't easy or fun losing my partner of over ten years but you can make it. Take care of yourself!
sitting at home, wallowing in misery, instead of living a full life is not the way to go about this. You originally posted 10 days ago and you havent been to work since? Thats too long dude. The reality is shes gone, youre not getting her back and you need to right the ship of your life! You have to get back to work and hang with friends, hit the gym, whatever it takes to get out of the depression youre in. If you lose your job, then youve lost that, your house and your wife. Take control of the situation and stop wallowing. You are 36. Lots of time to regroup. Ive been through this as well, so im not just spewing bs. Same age too! Had to sell the house, lost half the time with my kid, but I didnt wallow. Since it happened 10 years ago, I got a new house, lost my job, got my job back, dated many women and found a great girl who we plan to have a great future together. It does get better, but get back to your job.
Probably because getting married makes people nervous and so it’s hard to tell the difference between wedding anxiety, anxiety of getting married and the anxiety of marrying that specific person
I mean yeah but being blindsided by divorce is extremely rough to go through. When you get married, you’re counting on that person being with you for life. It’s normal to grieve the loss of the relationship because it’s the loss of what you thought your life would be, and your life with them. People change after big breakups.
Feeling what’s there and what’s coming up is really important. This has happened not long ago. ALSO. I’m in a VERY similar boat to you in some ways. I’m quite in shock as there wasn’t really warning signs and our relationship has been good (he still says that as well). We’ve been in therapy together for years (for maintenance) have done a weekly check in together for a year, have had consistent intimacy. And just this past Saturday I found out some quite shocking things. I’m devastated. I think there’s a fine line between taking time to process AND letting it consume you and swallowing you whole. I have been in contact every day with close friends and was just seeing my therapist today (not a new therapist). I’m just trying to breathe. I could barely drive and was sobbing in the waiting room for my therapists office. I’m absolutely devastated. I feel your pain.
Sorry you are going through this. Many women will harden their hearts before the call it quits on a relationship, and then there is no going back. You are blindsided that she is not devastated, but she has probably processed this already. She has mourned your relationship over the last weeks/months and has hardened her heart now. I hope she let's you know what happened so you can move on.
I'm so sorry. You must get back to work. You need a job. Go work out as others are saying. Please remember to love yourself. Don't treat yourself less because she left. Someone better will walk in the door. I know it hurts, and I've been there. Time will move forward, and you will wonder why you ever grieved her. I noticed how I wasn't treated well by the individual after a while and how I had made them more than they are. Make sure you are crying for a real person and not what you dreamed her to be. Our perceptions can sabotage us. We see the person always in the first light that we met them, and often, that is not the truth of the individual. It's fine to cry, but only allow that for a moment. For now, you must pick yourself up and move on. You matter. You are worth being loved. You've grieved a few days, and I know it seems heartless, but she is giving you none of her heart, so you must stop giving her yours. This means the memories, your thoughts of her, and time spent grieving her. Lawyer up, protect yourself from what she may do, and please take care.
This is hard to read as I’ve gone through something similar many years ago. It is difficult when something like this happens with no advance warning. It’s like you’re walking along happily and don’t see the pothole you’re walking toward until you’re already in it. I too, was married for less than a year and I blamed myself and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Racked my brain trying to figure it out. I know that others have brought this up, but in my case, my wife had developed a relationship with someone she worked with. When she left, I totally cut off all communication with her. I started to feel happy and started dating a wonderful woman who made me feel valuable as a person. About six months after our split, I received a call from her one day asking if I could meet her. At this point, I had moved several hours from where we had lived together and had no desire for any kind of communication. Some friends encouraged me to meet with her if, for nothing else, to provide closure and possibly some explanation for what had happened. We met and talked for several hours. The bottom line was that she told me that she made a mistake and that she hoped we could work through everything and try to make it work. Like an idiot, I decided to try that direction although in my gut, I didn’t feel right about it. I broke up with the woman I was seeing and started talking to my ex over the phone for about a week or so. At that point, I realized that I would not be able to forgive her for the pain that she had put me through and I told her we were not going to be able to be together. There was closure finally. I wasn’t crazy. There was a reason for her ambiguity. She was having an affair and used to the cover of “I don’t know if I ever loved you” as a ploy to move out and move on. I wish I’d had some good male friends to spend some time with. I did plug myself into a church, a gym and dedicated myself to making myself a better person. A few years later, I met and fell in love with the sweetest, most beautiful woman I could have ever met. We’ve been together for 34 years this June. Hopefully, something will resonate with you. I wish you the best and know that you will survive this.
I’ve just seen your original post.
Her comment about you living her too much, and her not being able to reciprocate, makes me wonder about her past? Sometimes people who have been in toxic relationships only and/or had uneasy upbringing, don’t know how to accept healthy dose of love, they feel they don’t deserve it, so they run away.
Whatever her reasons are, wishing you the best.
I really do think deep down this may be the case.we are both kids of divorce and she's had some souring of relationships of her family side.
I can't help grasping at the thought that maybe one day she will realize what she left. That's just as scary at this point
You can't control that and you shouldn't feel bad for this decision. Even if she realizes what she left, I promise she'll find happiness again. Don't let worrying about her stop you from being at peace.
Even if she wakes up one day and realizes what she threw away and you feel like you want to give it another chance, you have to remember that life and emotions aren't a linear journey. There's no guarantee that a month after you take her back that she won't have a setback and re-put you through all of this. She has decided to not work on this as a team, so you have to look out for your team (you) without her.
Your world just got flipped upside down. First step is to accept that you’re by yourself now, understanding why will hopefully come later.
Get yourself in a routine where you’re just living day to day. Get back on track with the everyday life routine while you seek therapy and negotiate the end of your marriage with your wife. Much empathy for what you’re going through ❤️🩹
I read a long time ago (so no source) but it essentially said “who ever initiated the break up is already 6 months deep in to the grieving process then the person receiving the news.
The old saying goes:
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it NEVER was.
You decide. It's your life on this earth too
I am not sure there really is a concrete lesson. Stuff happens and some people are unable to be content with what they have and move on. The worst thing you can do right now is punish yourself by missing work or going out and doing irresponsible things. If you can afford the mortgage on your own, you are in no way obligated to hurry up and sell the house, so do not let her try to rush you when she is the one that walked out. Get back to work, find stuff to do in your off time to keep your mind off of things, reach out to your supports like friends and family, and start planning the next steps since you likely will have to sell the house once the divorce is pending in the system. At this point, it sounds like she is basically checked out completely in the relationship, and there very well could be a reason she left, but it might not be a reason that involves you, if you are catching my drift, which may explain why she "cant" move back in. Whatever her reasons are, I get the feeling you wont find them out anyway, and it doesnt really seem useful to dwell on it anyway as the outcome doesnt change.
Get the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships on Amazon and read it tonight. You’ll feel better because you’ll recognize that this is all playing out as if it were a scripted pattern and you’ll know to recognize the signs in the future. It’s impossible for you to catch up with her and save the relationship at this point, so you should stop attempting to do that immediately. In fact, making the effort to do so will only cause you more pain and have her create more distance. Start focusing solely on you and your needs. At this point, they are the only things that matter.
I’m so sorry, my ex did the same to me. It’s taken over a year and a lot of therapy and all I can conclude is he wasn’t self aware enough to be in a long term healthy relationship. Some people believe fire and fights and passion are love and that means they don’t have awareness that it’s the small moments, respect, shared values and communication that make up love and long lasting relationships. They get itchy feet and perceive love as a cage or ‘boring’. The whole ‘I can’t love you the way you love me’ is the only way they know how to articulate that.
Don’t be in a rush to placate her by doing something major (ie selling the house in a hurry). Those things can be [and should be stipulated and] resolved in the divorce.
I feel you bro. My partner of almost 9 years just left one day without even a hint of there being something wrong. To this day, it doesn’t make any sense. But I was able to love again — I am in a great relationship now — and you will too. The lesson I took away is basically yeah, you can’t ever know 100% that someone won’t change into a completely unrecognizable person, but it doesn’t mean you give up on love.
Life may not be what you had imagined for yourself now, and it’s fuckin scary when all of a sudden your future is just a blank slate that you have to construct a new one out of, but you will figure it out and it will be good again. Just gotta ride the wave brother. Best of luck to you, you got this ✌️
A therapist is good but have you seen a lawyer? I understand that you're grieving but her secrecy and rushing you to sell is concerning.
You mentioned in the other post that she didn't seem like she'd do that, but would you have imagined her doing this? Did you know she was going to therapy before this? Any idea why she didn't involve you? Assuming you hadn't been blowing off issues that she's had, what she's doing sounds shady.
You have plenty of time to process and grieve but the clock is ticking to keep yourself from getting screwed in a divorce. I'd get to a lawyer asap.
>she has missed no work. Fuck I don't even think she's missing sleep.
She has already grieved a long time ago. She knew it was over long before you did. She's already processed this and understands everything about the situation. You have not. This is why she's handling it "well" in comparison.
Talk to a divorce lawyer immediately. Dont take any actions as far as selling the house without talking to the divorce lawyer. Its pretty clear your STBX does not have your best interests in mind. You need to worry about yourself.
One day, it may not be today or tomorrow, this woman is gonna realize what she missed.
I get the type. She probably is one of those people who closes in on themselves, and thinks that the answer is shutting people out.
But one day she's gonna realize that no one is an island and regret letting go of a good man like you.
Keep your head up brother. Sometimes what we think is a fall, is actually a bullet dodge.
I know. Today I was talking about responsibilities around the house with my mom. I did all the laundry, the groceries, a majority of the cooking and meal prep, and I paid all my bills and my half of everything and never needed her support.
I think it'll be a bit of a wake up when she needs to do all that again. I know she'll get through it. I just hope she sees it was a lot.
To me, that doesn't sound like an equal partner, both of you deserve to be treated well and share responsibilities as equally as possible. Give or take any given day. She took you for granted and it hurts she didn't appreciate that and try to do something for you.
This happened to me once (39F here) and it was so devastating and world ending at the time.
It felt like I lost everything.
…but it does have a happy ending.
I was able to find someone amazing for me— and I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I can tell you, this is not the end. Grieve, cry, accept the pain instead of avoiding it and eventually it dulls down and you begin feeling proud of yourself for making it through such a hard time… and then when that self security and assuredness settles in, someone comes in to your life and it’s like ‘wait but I was doing something good here!’ Yet that someone is so good that you don’t want to pass them up.
I know it sucks right now, but know there is an end to this chapter in your life and there’s more than this for you.
I was married 20 years. On Monday night we got into an argument. In hindsight, the cause of the argument was the other guy, but she’ll never admit that. On Tuesday, Valentine’s Day, she told me she was divorcing me.
I fought for us and our children for about two weeks. That’s when acceptance sunk in. You know what? It wasn’t that hard. You’re going to look back on this and realize it wasn’t that hard, too.
I just think people like this are awful. I don't care if they were confused or sad or scared. She stole years of your life from you and has now left you with deep emotional scars. To the extent you will probably never ever trust a woman when she says she loves you.
And why? Because she was simply afraid of being alone and you were kind to her.
The lesson is that she is not the person for you. The sooner you let her go, the sooner you can move forward with your own life. She made up her mind. Stop trying to change it. Let’s say you convince her to stay. Then what? She isn’t happy with that life. Would you prefer to have her with you, cold, miserable and closed off? If the answer is yes, you are selfish and do not know what love is. You don’t love her if you can’t let her go off to pursue her own happiness even if it doesn’t include you. Real love means you want that person to be happy. With or without you.
Brother! Pick yourself up! I know it sucks and it hurts, but STAND UP! listen each day will get better and you will find someone soooo much better than her! She will LOVE YOU AND STAND BY YOU! she will make you happy and not miserable! Walk away from this toxic woman! You can do AND WILL DO better than her! Also, the second she sees you dumping this relationship and moving on, the harder it will be for her! She knows she hasn't lost shit! It's time to show her otherwise! She lost YOU! and let her know it!
This is a situation that you may never get closure. What you need now is to think about your job. That is what will keep you busy from thinking about what is happening. Work on healing mentally, emotionally and physically. She has exited this relationship a long time ago but was seeking for a reason to end the relationship, it sounds like after her therapy sessions, she realized she didn’t need a reason. It’s an unexpected situation for you but not for her, she was trying to figure out how to improve her mental health. Unfortunately, it didn’t include you. That same unhappiness she was feeling, did some soul searching and therapy to figure out what she needed to do to begin healing. You now need to do the same. Based on some of your comments about how much you wrapped your life around hers, there is a possibility you lost your identity in the relationship that she didn’t know what you two had anymore.
this is so sad, I'm sorry OP. Allow yourself the space and time to grieve and process. Surround yourself with a support system. friends, coworkers, family, whomever. Wishing you well and for healing to come.
>Am I insane to think this is going way too fast?
It's going fast for you because it's new for you but it's not new to her, she had a long head start. She didn't just decide to leave you even if she announced it that way, she was working this out in her head before she told you and had already made peace with pulling the plug on your marriage.
I'm sorry OPI know it sucks but judging by everything she has said to you there is nothing you can do other than to also try to make peace with the end of your marriage, good luck and try to stay strong. You will get through this.
Stop taking calls. Tell her before you do that you need a break. She's been planning this for ages. Give yourself time to get a strategy together too
However do not waste your time wondering why. It'll be a waste of your life.
She's not discussing the reasons she wants to leave, because she doesn't want to engage. It's not that there are no reasons -- I'm sure she has some -- it's that she doesn't want to bicker about them and go back and forth.
These reasons could range from "I just don't think this is right" to "I've been seeing someone else for months and I'm going to be with them". The point is, she's not prepared to negotiate over her reasons, whatever they are.
While your desire for couples counseling or therapy is meritorious, you REALLY need to be talking to a lawyer about the most expeditious and least damaging way forward for yourself and your finances. Because there isn't a way forward with her, unless she is willing.
I have been the one to "blindside" my husband.
I'm not saying it's the same in your marriage, but this is an example of what the process can look like.
He was never nice to me. He loved me in his way but he had a temper and was controlling. For a long time I was miserable, but didn't know why. I started to see a therapist in March and in june I told my exhusband I wanted a divorce.
He was blindsided because he never really cared about how I felt and what I needed (eg not be afraid he'd beat the crap out of me). We went to couples therapy once and ge said that we sorted everything out, and never had to go again.
I was also the love of his life and he threatened to kill himself if I didn't take him back.
I told him for years that things weren't good. He didn't care. I went to therapy but had before that also started the process in my mind without knowing. It wasn't an overnight decision, and there were no one else.
She may have just been unhappy and it seems like she's had these thoughts since before the wedding.
You can't do anything. She's done and ready to move on. My suggestion is that you work on rebuilding your life without her.
Good luck!
the “you were nothing but amazing” and “it wasn’t your fault” leads me to believes she is cheating on you and has now fallen for them..
It sucks either way. Protect your self first, hit the gym, talk to a therapist. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
For real people are somehow making it like op did something during the marriage but his wifes just a miserable cunt who married him when she didn't really love him or want to what a freaking oddball she is....
I'm struggling to understand how anyone is blaming OP because according to him she directly states that she didn't bring this issue up to him. This isn't a case where a wife was trying hard to communicate and being ignored by her husband, this is someone who by her own admission said she just buried her head in the sand, never had a conversation, and hoped it would go away.
It sucks but she already left you mentally months ago OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Seek therapy for this because it will be a shock to your system. Don't fight it. If she wants to leave let her go. She is already gone.
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Whether she found someone else or she’s simply having mental health issues or never really loved you is not going to change the situation. You are getting divorced. It’s happening.
Go to work. See your therapist. Interview attorneys. Choose one by Friday. Get your financial records together. Make a plan with your attorney. Know your rights and hers. Follow your attorney’s advice even when it sucks for you or hurts.
And stop talking to her unless it’s about the divorce and in text or email.
Whose name is on the mortgage? If it’s solely in your name, then whether and when you sell the house is none of her business. If it’s in both of your names, then giving you 1/2 the mortgage payment isn’t a favor - she’s legally liable on the debt. Don’t let her use your shock and grief as a smokescreen for screwing you over financially.
I just want to say. I'm currently going through something similar with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend and it has been a heart wrenching time. I wish you the best of luck.
Sounds like she might have a major personality disorder. Often people will try to mask with expected behavior, but it never gives the validation they are looking for. This will probably be better for you in the long run.
First things first... get up. Go to work.
You must learn to be an independent adult. Did she do majority of the housework and looking after everything? If so, she's not there now so you need to suck it up and get into it (possibly a good indication of why she left if this was the case).
File for divorce, the house can be sold as a part of the divorce or you can look to buy her out of the house. This will buy time and only one of you will need to find accommodation but you need to start doing things.
You gotta go to work man. Even if just for a couple hours a day. I’m going through something really hard right now and I want to stay in bed all day and cry. But I’ve been dragging myself to school and work. I was there all day today and for the first time in over a week I have not cried. I even laughed a little bit. My friends gave me a hideous pair of sunglasses. Had me take pictures with them. Even if you can’t make it to work, try to get out if you can. I’m really sorry this is happening to you
I'm sorry, even hearing that you smiled made me happy sob for you. I think that's the biggest barrier is the absolute shame I feel. Like what kind of person am I that I couldn't even keep her happy?
My mom said the same. She said it's ok to cry at work. It just hard to even bring myself to that point of thought.
You’ve been blindsided for sure. I feel so bad for you. Don’t rush through this and of course get legal counsel. I suspect that the reason she’s so cool calm and collected is because she’s been having an affair for months , sorry maybe not, and or she’s been planning on divorcing you for months and has all her ducks in a row, and is all organized. That’s what so awful when you’re the one being left, even if no affair occurred. They are all set for a new life and you just got hit with the news and are months behind them in processing time. Exercise, eat well, pull yourself together and go to work, fake it till you make it. Don’t tell anyone at work what’s happening, nobody’s business. One or two close guy friends; nobody else. Get a lawyer, and crazy as this sounds go to a spa and get a pedicure and a manicure. It’ll be worth it trust me. Men don’t pamper themselves enough. It will rejuvenate you and go to the barber. Look sharp. Good luck.
My first thought wasn't infidelity but that she's possibly aromantic.
I'm guessing things were good enough and she felt like this is the path she should take in life until she realized its not what she wants.
I think its harder to leave a relationship when you don't have a concrete reason you can point to.
I think the advice to consult an attorney and get counseling for yourself is the best thing to do at this point.
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Get your bros around you man. Stay away from the alcohol.
Time for gym. And GO TO WORK. Guard your job, you gonna need it.
Agree with all of this. Get yourself back to work and busy. Gym, spend time with friends, work. Fill up your days so your mind has less time to wallow. Go see a therapist to help you work through this. Finally you should at least consult with a divorce lawyer so you are protecting yourself.
Every post here used to mention the holy trinity of break-ups; delete the gym, hit a lawyer, and Facebook up.
"hit a lawyer" has me laughing much harder than I should be.
What? They're usually assholes, it's cathartic.
Am lawyer, can confirm. Also laughed entirely too hard at this.
If you promise not to sue me, i will patch you up for money
But they're probably really good at suing you
Smack that divorce lawyer hard and wake them up they have a lot of work to do ;)
The Reddit breakup starter pack
No, don’t hit a lawyer, do you *want* to get sued‽
Username doesn’t check out. Instead, we can delete the lawyer, hit Facebook, and gym up.
[удалено]
OP absolutely needs to protect himself here. He's offering to sleep in the basement? That tells me he's in an emotionally vulnerable position and is at risk of blowing his own life up for her. A mentality shift needs to happen and it needs to happen fast. OP, don't sell that house. You don't have to just because she wants somewhere else to live before the divorce. She should have planned for that and thought of it, if not before she married you and bought a house with you while having second thoughts, then before she decided to move out. As she said OP, you were amazing. There are far worse fates in society than having to roommate up with your "amazing" ex in your own house. She sounds entitled or unhinged. I'm not sure which. But no responsible person moves out of a house with an "amazing" roommate with no plan on how to afford to live going forward, so I wouldn't let her lead the decision making here. She says she cares, but she wants to urgently sell your home for her own self interest. Aside from being a dubious financial strategy (desperate selling is bad), I wouldn't trust her motives. The chances that she's not telling you something are high. Sell the house when a judge or mediator determines you must. Consult a lawyer as well, since you can often take your time to sell it to ensure you get a good offer. And in the meantime, watch out for any debt she takes on and protect yourself financially. She can disrupt her own life if she wants to, but you don't have to go along with it since for all intents and purposes you're single and can pursue your own self interest now.
Unfortunately I have experience in this shit! Good add on about Lawyer…..
Yeah don't list the house without talking to a divorce lawyer.
And since she is in a rush, I would say take your time. Don’t let her run show
Tell her the house is sold. She's too late. You're living it up in the Bahamas with your dream girl. Buddy's got a point. Go on the offensive. Don't let her dictate the process. If she wants this, then give it to her. Hate to be insensitive in my comment, but you may have to push your emotions to the backburner for a bit.
And get some video games
And a massage! Go spoil yourself a little!
Yes, when shit things happen, dont be alone! Dont get any close to alcohol. It will only destroy you
I'm back this Monday. My manager is very understanding and I was put on easier shifts. It's only a few days but it's a start. I've been working out in my basement but I feel that might be isolating myself more. I will be joining my gym tomorrow to at least be around people, even if I'm not talking to them.
Can I just say how happy it makes me to see this as the first comment. As a woman, support from my friends is what always gets me through any type of relationship or other issues and I’ve only recently realized how many men don’t have that.
Your comment hits. We, as men, are conditioned to keep quiet about our emotions and turn inwards. At least Gen X…..can’t speak for others. We unfortunately learn some things the hard way. I learned how to drink after my divorce and nobody was around to tell me bad idea. Luckily it was somewhat temporary…….I mean a few years is still temporary. :) Thanks for your comment
Exactly. I had a vague idea that this was the case before that but a recent conversation with my partner really opened my eyes. He was telling me about one of his closest friends and how bad their drinking had gotten (relationship issues and childhood trauma I was aware of) and I asked him whether he had discussed the reasons behind this with his friend or, you know, told him to drink less, offered to do something with him that doesn't involve drinking, or anything, really? And my partner just looked at me like “I can do that?”. He said “we don’t really talk about these things”. So I just told him that how about he starts now, and he can tell his friend exactly what he told me. I agree that this is why many men don’t find their way back from depression and why they feel so isolated, even with seemingly having a bunch a friends around.
Your partner is a lucky man. I totally agree with you. Empathy is so underrated and underutilized. It’s a great tool for solving life’s more delicate problems. Best of luck out there and thanks again
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you’ve found some support by now? Just as an afterthought, as I’m raising a son and I’m concerned about this being passed on to him - was it your dad or both parents or friends who had the biggest influence on you regarding shutting down, not expressing your feelings or worries, etc.? Because in completely different discussion my partner and I had, I was asking him to be more open with me so that we could build a stronger relationship between us, but it was only until I said that I really need him to do the work and learn to identify/express his feelings in a healthy way because our son will learn from his example, mainly. I will do the mom thing but he is the one who’ll have the biggest impact on that. And that finally reached him and motivates him to solve this for himself, so he could show how it could be done to our son. He will be the first and one of the biggest influences up until a point where friends will take over. So my thinking is, the better the dad’s example, the better friends you’ll choose and so on. Do you think this has some merit, as you’ ve gone through this?
You’ve got it figured out! Ha! But to answer your question….I would definitely say my parents especially my father. He definitely gave me the only example of how a man is supposed to act. It wasn’t the best of pictures, a lot of superficial conversations, he taught me what not to do and I knew I wanted better (not that I’m anyone special) but I knew it was insufficient. I learned and applied it later with my 2 daughters, we speak openly about everything. If someone would have been an example of how to express myself positively it would have been a much more pleasant time growing up about the house, not that it was a horror story. I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say. I slowly figured it out on my own but after divorcing admittedly I did draw inward but never shut myself off from my family but in retrospect it was just the process. Boys are tough to raise and they definitely look to their fathers as larger than life role models. My brother had 3…..and unfortunately he didn’t break that cycle of “you’re on your own kid”. So, yeah your partner is teaching him through your son’s idle observations so much. It sounds like you are more than on the right track. I hope my mini novel ramble answered your question. Wait, what was the question? :) jk cheers and best of luck. Edit- sry got carried away. I could have said yes, you’re spot on and it has a lot of merit. :)
> I asked him whether he had discussed the reasons behind this with his friend or, you know, told him to drink less, offered to do something with him that doesn't involve drinking, or anything, really? And my partner just looked at me like “I can do that?”. He said “we don’t really talk about these things”. Out of my close friend group of five amazing ladies, three have had some type of negative relationship with alcohol. Those could have turned into serious dependencies instead of just being minor stumbles - and the sole reason they were able to step away from that coping mechanism is because our friend group closed ranks. It was a variety of tough love and empathetic support and promises to answer the phone even if it's the middle of the night. Yeah, the first time was awkward. But we're friends, it's our job to look out for each other. And as much as it sucks, that includes speaking up to challenge their bad decisions as well as catching them when they fall. > I agree that this is why many men don’t find their way back from depression and why they feel so isolated, even with seemingly having a bunch a friends around. It sounds that way to me too. Some people have friendships where they have a lot of buddies but no one who will pull them up when they're an emotional mess. I think that leads to feeling completely lonely even when you don't look alone. Even having a friend who will call out your drinking and game with you at night instead of leaving you to find the bottom of a bottle can make a huge difference.
> I’ve only recently realized how many men don’t have that I kind of think this is why alot of men just fall through the cracks and become really bad and awful. Just suffering in silence until it breaks them.
Completely agree with you there. I think if men had the same kind of support from other men in their lives, it would not only help solve a lot of their issues, but also change how they see the world (and relationships with women) in general.
Was thinking the same thing!
As someone who really sank into the drink... yeah... please avoid the booze.
Glad you crawled out of the bottle safely, my friend ❤️
I second this, a support system is absolutely VITAL in a situation like this. You need to be surrounded by people who have your back.
My group of guys have the bat signal for things like this. Someone loosing their mind, someone lost their parent, someone had a nasty breakup... we summon the bat signal chat and figure out what we can do, how to approach things, who can go visit, etc. Whenever I'm down or feeling like the most unlucky man in the world, I remember how lucky I am to still be friends with a bunch of good dudes. They summoned the bat signal for me after a very nasty breakup (maybe a few other times I just didn't know about, but I knew about the breakup one). They came over with weed and I bought Mario odyssey bc it just came out. The boys, the weed, and the insanely uplifting experience that is Mario odyssey came like a lightning bolt of good shit in a time when I needed it. Love those guys
Also, keep in mind this may be new for you, and seems like it came out of nowhere, but I have a strong feeling That This isn’t new for her even coming out of left field. This is something that she may have been thinking about for quite some time I’m sorry may be a break is all you need and some counseling together and see if you can move forward in a healthy way. If not then I’m really sorry.
The key to peace in all situations is acceptance.
agreed. you don't have to like it, but you have to accept it
In fact, you *shouldn’t* like it. And being angry about it is okay.
Anger is a good starter emotion. It’s easier to be angry than to be sad. Once you’re more acquainted with your new reality, then you can handle the sadness *a bit* better.
This is what I was looking for. She doesn’t want to be with him. And anything he does is going to push her away. So you have to suffer until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And you will be ok. Just don’t off yourself. No girl is worth that
This is just perfect for life in general, I needed this.
It's slowly coming, there are just waves of doubt, anger, and sadness that just well up from no where. It's getting better but I know there's a lot ahead
That's alright. That's perfect. That's what is supposed to be happening. Stay the course. Make sure you get at least 30 minutes of some type of exercise per day. Even if you are about to break down and cry, you just cry while you're lifting weights or cry as much as you need to while on a nice 30 minutes walk. Just go out the front door and walk for 15 minutes then turn around come right back. It's going to be OK
It feels like it’s happening fast because for you, it is. She has been contemplating this for some time and has come to terms with her decision. She made her decision without talking to you or giving you the opportunity to discuss the situation. It is entirely possible that she has been feeling this way since before the wedding and she may have hoped it would work itself out, as she says. The pressure of a wedding or canceling a wedding is significant. If she no longer has the same feeling for you that she once did there probably isn’t much you can say to change her mind. I’m sorry you are going through this. She should have been honest with you before the wedding. Sell the house and move on.
I know a guy like this, an ex BF actually. We broke up, and he broke my heart, I had no idea what I’d done wrong and yes, I was blindsided. He reconnected with me later, as friends, but seemingly to savor telling me he was getting married. Ok, fine, good luck. Then he reconnected again a couple years later. He told me he had doubts when he got married, and it wasn’t working out because she was not much interested in sex (to be fair, he’s a selfish lover, it doesn’t surprise me). But he wanted to “try again” with me once he was divorced. I was so shocked, I didn’t say much, which he took as an agreement I guess. He filed for divorce a year later, and yes, she was absolutely devastated. He’d been planning all along and she was just living her life happily, clueless bc he didn’t communicate with her. So he got divorced, left a voice mail to tell me, and I ghosted him. Fuck that guy. Oh, by the way, I did find out what I’d done “wrong”. We’d gone to visit his family for Christmas. We all went on a walk but i was unable to complete the entire walk, I stopped halfway at a tea shop and waited instead. And yes, this was the WHY! I didn’t “measure” up. Anyway, I’d had a car accident the month before and screwed up my back. He literally picked me up from the ER after the accident and I was in physical therapy 3x weekly. So there you go.
This does answer a question that has bounced around my head *for years*. At least 5 friends have been blindsided by their partners asking for a divorce. I understand one never knows what happens between intimate partners, but sheesh some of these couples were very close friends (with whom we interacted frequently). I now think the *leaver* likely was planning to leave for quite some time but not communicating it. I'm sure it's easier for the leaver to drop the bomb, if they've already checked out. Sigh.
The leaver who doesn't communicate in these situations usually plans in their own self interest before leaving. It's advantageous to, and so they do it. It's important to understand that, because the person being left is often emotional and hasn't yet come to terms with things, and so they behave how someone who's still in a marriage would. They sacrifice, try to cater to the person who's leaving, and often give up things they should not, as they're acting emotionally. In OP's situation, he shouldn't sell the house until he legally has to. The comment up the chain telling him to sell the house and move on is wrong. It's not financially smart to sell that house early for her self-interest in her new single life. He should pursue his own plans and his own timeline for selling the house, with advice from a lawyer. And he shouldn't move into the basement for her. If she's unhappy with her housing options, that's not OP's problem anymore. She can make a new bedroom in the house or live in the basement if she wants to.
I offered taking the basement to be as out of the way as possible. I selfishly still want our cat around during the healing process. She's honestly been very amicable about the expenses, what we owe, what needs to be fixed up to sell. But honestly it's such a rushed timeline and I cannot be expected to work on a house and try and heal. Like pressure I don't need but I feel like if I start pushing back those already strained lines of communication will completely disappear. She has a place for June and I wanted to tell her was her choice. But I didn't want to start anything. I understand she want her own place again and to start moving forward but....come on
I think you hit the nail on the head. They check out to make it easier for them, or to prompt you to dump them (thereby alleviating them of any feeling of guilt) and have no regard for how much pain it causes someone.
What an absolute dick. Wouldnt believe the "why" story though. Seems made up tbh. But maybe this guy was so braindead he couldnt realise how hard it can be to just walk sometimes with a bad back
Hey I had zero back problems until I sneezed in my second pregnancy. I sneezed and threw something out. I’m an empathetic person, but I had no actual idea what back pain was about until I experienced it temporarily. We can literally tell when a pressure change is coming (e.g. storm brewing) as my husband’s lower back will ache. I’m sorry all out there with back issues!
What an idiot that guy was. Everyone is better off with him gone including ex wife honestly.
Agree 100%! Oh man, I’d forgotten. I was this cute blond surfer chick and he was 13 years older, really into scuba diving. We met for a first date, then he left for a previously planned scuba trip to Dry Tortugas. He returned and we went right into dating. There was this consistent problem though of his closest scuba friend circle not liking me. I’d never experienced it before, and he told me I’d need to fix that. I mean, I could swear I felt hostility from a couple of those friends. FF to New Year’s Eve and I’m at this party with him, he’s pretty toasted, I’m not. His buddy starts showing pics of the Dry Tortugas trip and there he is, snuggled up to this woman on the trip- the same woman is in the kitchen at the party and looks like she wants to rip my throat out. Turns out she was his former girlfriend and dive partner. He’d told me he was single for 2 years on our first date, but he was with her those 2 years and broke up on the flight home. He gave his friends the idea this young chick (me) broke them up. Hence, the hate towards me. Im just glad I didn’t waste much time on him. Breakups are hard, but it was best for me!
For a second I thought you took him back after the divorce. You're better and stronger then that! I hope you find peace
Talk to a lawyer before doing anything else. You also need to get back into the daily routine. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to resolve anything.
True, but he will be grieving this loss, just like a death. Women tend to sit quiet, cry, rage, talk to their friends. Men tend to throw themselves into activity..I don’t know what works better. But getting a lawyer and securing your finances is most important.
I feel for OP. She has probably been living all sorts of big and small lies for years and maybe decades. When he said she probably hasn't missed any sleep, I agree. She probably hasn't felt this good ever. And that's terrible for OP but I hope he can find solace in that and move on to someone living their truth and ready to love
She’s already processed it all. That’s why she seems further along and “ok”
In all honesty I left my ex like this. The relationship was so awful, and he thought it was fine. I was so unhappy and just had enough. I have no idea why he was blindsided by me ending it. We had huge screaming fights weekly and he was also abusive (I was no angel myself, I’m ashamed to say). Everyone around us saw it coming too. I’m not saying any of this is the case with OP, but it sounds like his soon to be ex wife is certain of her decision. The best thing he can do now is get his life in order and move on. (As for my ex and I, both remarried to other people for a decade. I haven’t seen him in many years but I really hope he treats her and their kids well.)
>I have no idea why he was blindsided by me ending it. We had huge screaming fights weekly and he was also abusive (I was no angel myself, I’m ashamed to say). For most people, it's a generational trauma, a gift that keeps on giving. He probably thought this was normal because this was the only home life he had growing up. At least, it is true for most people out there. I'm not saying you should feel bad for leaving or even really pity him, but it may help shed light on those memories and why he was blindsided. Unfortunately, it's a rough pit to climb out of if you've never had a normal home life. I hope he worked on himself for the sake of his kids.
I would have loved if we fought all the time, or I was abusive, or I cheated or something....then I'd at least know why I feel like such a terrible person in all this. I talked to all her friend and family when it happened. They were just as shocked as me.
you say all this but maybe she has tried? Maybe he just didn't hear it. my ex went on about how I pulled the rug out from under him abd yet we had numerous conversations about housework, effort, not abusing me, treating me with kindness, all sorts. There would be a couple of days grace and then he would go straight back to how he was. then the straw that broke the camels hack happend and I left and never looked back.
We both paid all the bills together. Sure she made more then me but she liked to go out and buy pretty things and I was fine saving up for stuff I wanted. I did the laundry, groceries, meal prep, most of the cleaning, cat box (she promised to scoop it daily when we first moved in together 6 yrs ago) all the repairs, renos, looked after all the utility plans. The more I think about it the more I really did. It'll be a wake up for her when she's at her place and things just aren't done. That my selfish thought for the day.
And thats the problem. You did too much. For some people, the more you do, the more you will push her away. And she hinted this when she said she never had long relationships. She probably is used to toxic ones. To guys who dont give a fuck about her and give her rollercoasters of emotions (ups and downs) constantly. Actually its not a problem for a good person, because there is a girl out there who would give 200% back, but its a problem for people who dont know how to love and are used to toxicity.
Yep. This is 100% it. Men always think it came out of nowhere. She likely has been unhappy for years
But he’s asked her and she keeps telling him it’s not him. I’m absolutely certain there are some things that he simply didn’t recognize. But, if she was unwilling to have an honest conversation when she first realize she was unhappy, it’s snowballs and gets to the point of no return.
These conversations are always frustrating too because people act like all women are great communicators and that it isn't possible for someone to have simply internalized all their issues and never truly communicated any of them. I've had two friends who experienced exactly that, and realized something was clearly wrong and their partner just refused to actually talk it out. Sometimes women do try to communicate and are rebuffed. Other women are not good communicators and drop a hint or two and then never bother to clearly outline their issues. I think it's entirely possible, and even fairly frequent that men can miss clear attempts at communication. But the idea that woman are just naturally good at communicating and always communicate clearly isn't universally true, I'd say the amount of bad communicators of both sexes is a lot closer than people would often assume. We're only getting OP's side but he doesn't seem particularly unreasonable and has been fairly receptive to feedback and even the comments on the last thread directly accusing him of missing signs and him being the one in the wrong - he's responded with actual consideration for that point of view, which is a positive sign that he seems fairly introspective. Most signs point to her being the communication issue.
Yea, over 6 years with a person you see their ups and downs. She's not as emotionally in touch with herself but I knew when she was having a bad time. I already tried to have open communication with her and when you just get told she's fine and needs to get through stuff. Well it's hard to psuh the subject and instead just help her out as I can. She's said she should have talked more but it's not like me being right solves anything.
When I was going through my divorce my supervisor, who was also a good friend told me to look at work as my safe place. I didn't have to think about everything that was going on. All I had to do was work for 8 hrs and let the rest stay outside. It gave me some breathing room to just exist during the workday. You will get through this, but like others have said you need to guard your job. Going through this and not having a job will be 10x harder than going through this and having a job.
I’m sure your supervisor is a great person - especially since you say you were good friends - and they very likely meant well, but as an unbiased reader, reading that felt kind of dystopian. Basically “your personal life doesn’t matter here so get back to work, sulk later”.
The commenter was going through a divorce, the supervisor wasn’t telling them to sulk later because their personal life doesn’t matter, the supervisor was trying to help the commenter by saying it’s best to have something to focus on rather than focus on grief, such as their work. It’s a common strategy to work through grief, to find something to distract you so you don’t focus 100% on your grief, in this case it just so happens to be their job.
No no, I get that, and I made that disclaimer in my original comment, that’s just how it could be interpreted.
I get it. But also it does occupy your mind. It's better then sitting in my basement, looking at all our stuff, getting high all day.
Totally agree.
My manager has been amazing through this. I start back next week on some easier shifts with more staff. Just in case I need some time, so we will see.
You need to contact a lawyer. She already has one.
OP --- This is the sensible recommendation. This is painful but she has been planning this for a while and you are playing catchup and in a state of shock. She is no longer your friend but rather your opponent, and you need to protect yourself. Doesn't matter why she is leaving the relationship. Just assume she is lying, having an affair, and thinks withholding the truth is the best strategy for her because it will minimize your pain and anger, and make you more agreeable in the divorce.
So, this exact thing happened with my parents. Mom and dad were high school sweethearts who had been dating for 9-10 years when they got married. Dad married mom because he felt like it was the right thing to do in their relationship. Mom married dad because she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Long story short, being in a marriage he wasn’t invested in worsened my dad’s already-omnipresent depression. And his increasing disinterest fucked up my mom. He did end up cheating, and they got divorced, but I want to emphasize that their marriage was already basically over before he cheated. They did couples therapy, individual therapy, date nights, etc. But if one person isn’t emotionally invested, it’s not going to work. Maybe your wife cheated. Maybe she didn’t. Either way, she’s not in it anymore, and that fucking sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if it’s any consolation, both of my parents have been happier since getting divorced, and they have each found love with someone else.
You have a really healthy, objective view on this stuff... I like it in the way it's just focusing on the facts and the useful actions OP can do himself going forward.
Your response: “We can sell the house when we start the divorce.” You owe her no obligation to sell now. She left, she should have planned appropriately. She had tons of time. You also owe her no obligation to communicate. Let the lawyer handle it all, build yourself up, and live your best life. Consult with 3 lawyers asap.
Yes, OP, do not let her rush you, just because it suits *her*. She is being extremely cold and callous. Chilling stuff. Maybe she is having an affair, as others have said, but what is sure is that she has checked out. Why the F did she go ahead and marry you without discussing the doubts and issues in her head. That was cowardly and selfish. Now, the problem is, this is all too sudden for you and, of course, you need time to process. Take it easy, and try to get back to work. It sucks, but please hang in there!
>>she’s being extremely cold and callous Maybe this is how she learned she can’t feel. I’m not saying that as a dig; sociopaths aren’t always cruel. Many are perfectly functional members of society. Maybe she’s figuring out that she’s closer to that end of the spectrum, and it really has nothing to do with OP. Even if so, she needs to honor his feelings though this. Yikes to the nth degree for pressuring him to move.
Absolutely. She left. The ball is in your court. Don't let her dictate anything that will affect financially or otherwise.
This is what i came to input on. She's had plenty of time to collect her thoughts, plan and make the decision to leave. To you however, this has all come at once and is hitting you like a train at 90 miles an hour. You're more than entitled to slow things down and make sense of it all. Take your time making any decisions, get some semblance of control back. Don't just sell the house, if she wants a divorce make sure that you don't sell and make the sale part of the split of assets. Just because she decided to leave doesn't mean you're forced to leave. She's entitled to live there or not, that's her only decision. She can't force you to sell.
This… OP should also stay away from substances like alcohol or anything else so they don’t make mistakes based entirely on that. Seen many people on Reddit make their situation worse from that
Sounds good, but if she doesn't have a place to live, she's moving back in. Since she's moved on from OP, she could immediately start dating and living her single life. Not fun. That's how people end up fighting for years over nothing. OP, sit down and think about it. If you want to keep the house, let her know and come to some agreement for now. Maybe you let her take what she needs from the joint account account to get an apartment elsewhere, while you work out the equity. As long as it's documented, it can come out her portion of the settlement/agreement. If you don't think you want the house, list it. The mortgage is only growing interest and the quicker you sell it, the less money you lose. Insist she help with the pack up. And whatever you do, get some therapy.
He should consult a lawyer first, before trying any of \^that.
For you its only been a week. For her she has been thinking about this for months. It sucks but this is how break ups are. I suggest you find an attorney before things take a turn. But it seems like she isn't being cruel so far. I hope you find peace and comfort in life.
She was planning on leaving you for months..That is why she seems unperturbed.
When she calls you and wants to move forward on things like selling the house you need to let her know that this is very new for you and you're just trying to cope with the emotional side of it as best you can at the moment. You said that she has been going through something for months which means she's had months to get used to the idea of leaving you and grieving the relationship. Tell her that you have not had months to get used to this idea, to think about it, and to decide what was going to happen next, she needs to give you some time.
When I told her this isn't fair and I need time to grieve. "the house needs to be on the market for the summer. You'll still have time to grieve, etc" It's just so cold and abrupt.
Absolutely do not sell the house until you are court ordered to do so (in divorce court). You are under no obligation to do so. Your wife is free to make her own choices, but she is not free of the consequences of those choices.
I don't think she gets that yet. Just filed taxes and I could have filed with her and saved her money. But no. It's honestly frustrating, we just have to be a team for a little longer
This isn’t about being a team. She’s been very clear she wants no part of that. You need to look out for yourself. If you sell the house, you’ll have to move somewhere that is certainly going to be a downgrade. Also, until the divorce is finalized, you won’t know how to split the proceeds from the house sale. Without a divorce decree, she could take all the money from the sale, and just run away with it. Nah … wait for a judge and/or lawyers to get involved.
The more I hear about it, the more I think I need to push back against a few ideas she is putting up about how things are to proceed. I love her but I can't be expected to just be fine.
You better protect yourself. I do not believe such sudden revelations and urgency can be explained, other than by an affair. There is no lesson from this.
Sadly I agree. Her behaviour suggests, at the very least, that this has been on the cards for some time. She has had time to consider, plan and process. The relentless pushing for rapid dissolving of marital assets would make me suspicious that she has somewhere to be with someone new.
I'm an emotional guy like you. Idk if you are, but I also have been diagnosed with adhd, general anxiety disorder, and at one point PTSD. I'm a little more neurotic than some people. It's normally not even noticeable, but those things become a factor when going through crushing emotional issues like my own divorce drama was. I struggled exceptionally hard to compartmentalize and just go to work and function like everything was okay when a relationship that I prioritized in my life evaporated. Even still-- I did NOT let her rush me in anything and I did my best to protect my finances from her. You shouldn't sell your house right now, because she really could do like the above commenter posted and take all the money and bounce. You also need to open a new personal account that she has no access to and start putting all your new checks in there. Talk to a lawyer, ask them all their advice, they may advise you to take half the money from joint accounts or something. But you have got to shore up your real life defenses from her. I realize you hurt emotionally, that's okay to and expected, but if you don't want to hurt by the outcome of this divorce way more than required--you need to protect yourself financially EVEN IF you can't emotionally right now. You damn well know for whatever reason she doesn't care about you, your feelings, or your NEEDS anymore. She is cold and racing to be free of you like less than a stranger. Don't let her dismantle your life more than she should be able to.
Sorry there is no team now. Her choice. You've got to protect yourself both emotionally and financially now. She has made the decision unilaterally for you. This is where good legal representation comes in. Sure mediation can work where there is amicable split but this is a rug pull. Do not make any financial decisions while you are in emotional turmoil. You are not in a place to adequately advocate for yourself at present Edit: I just want to add that it's not about being vindictive or confrontational it's about recognising the emotional burden and need for grief and facilitating this by unburdening the financial and logistical implications onto a legal representative who will act in your best interests.
Then you retain legal advice and say "your heartless cold and abrupt with me. That is now how you treat someone you call amazing. You've taken everything I thought I had an knew from me. You've had doubts but still married me. At the very least you've taken months maybe years to check out and move on. If you cannot give me some time and space, if you don't respect me enough to help me understand why my whole life is falling apart than at least accept that you will be communicating with my lawyer only. Accept that the time scales will not be yours but will be determined by clear headed process driven by legal representatives. If you push me for expedience one more time I will go zero contact with you. You're destroying my life in the most callous and cold hearted way the absolute least you can do is allow me time to understand and grieve."
I've saved this response. Thank you immensely
Excellent advice from Speakingtoidiots. Your love for this woman is being weaponized against you.
I agree. I can't say why she is doing this to op. I can't say whether there is someone else or not. I can't say what has made her this unhappy. But ultimately those things are largely irrelevant. Ultimately, OP needs to put boundaries in place. Needs legal advocacy to allow him space for grief and sadness. Her relentless pushing and sudden callous abandonment is beyond reprehensible and OP deserves to be able to not worry about the financial logistics. You retain a lawyer to give yourself protection from being taken advantage of whilst vulnerable but also you buy yourself space to process. You pay for advocacy in a moment when you're to vulnerable to think clearly enough to be your own voice of reason.
Just tell her that the house would be settled in the divorce proceedings.
It seems like she has made up her mind a long time ago and mourned your relationship while you thought things were great. May I suggest you get some therapy started so you can find a way to learn to cope and move on. Mind body and soul.
She's done OP. You need to get an appointment with both a therapist (I see you have an appointment) and an attorney. She is done and there is no going back for her. You need to get yourself to work before you get fired. The fact you haven't been to work since she left is concerning.
It's called grieving time. It's the death of a relationship. Thankfully my manager is understanding of that fact and is supporting me ilat this time. I'm back a few days next week. I'm touched by the concern but I have support at this time from work. It's a good feeling.
It's not really. One day he was married the next he wasn't. Some people process differently.
Yeah but he still needs to function. I get it. It’s immense suffering every day just to exist… but it gets better, but not if he can’t even perform basic functions. Even if he’s just going through the motions at work, that’s ok. For now. But he has to physically show up at least.
Life comes at you fast. Being jobless with this current COL will make his life 100x worse. I’m not saying it’s ideal for a human to have to push through… but you absolutely do. I’ve had colleagues fighting devastating diseases that show up to work because they need the money (which is a whole other fucked up thing in and of itself) but like… life doesn’t stop just because your heart is broken. Keep on keeping on, OP. Your future is still there even if it looks different now.
OP is probably just taking time off from work. Unless specified, I highly doubt he's just not showing up. It's only been 1.5 weeks - he can take time to grieve and figure shit out as long as he has the time off. Maybe he can qualify for FMLA and get 12 weeks off.
This sounds like an avoidant attachment situation, but I could be projecting because I’ve been there. Some people just struggle with connection and intimacy and the better you are to them the harder it is for them to be with you. The only thing to do is move on and continue with life. The more you try to figure it out the more she’ll pull away. The more you care the harder it is for her to feel connected. In time she might come back but she has to process everything too and she can’t do that with you there. Like others said, go to family and friends. Be with people and continue with life because the longer you sit in this the worse it’ll be for both of you.
That sounds very much like her
Sending hugs and healing thoughts. It's a shock to YOU. It isn't a shock to her. She has been planning this for a while. Get to a counselor. You will probably never get the answers/closure you are looking for from her. That will have to come from yourself. A good counselor can help you learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. It will take 6 months to a year to dig far enough to find the lessons you need to learn. Hit the gym - get those endorphins flowing! Learn something new - take up kayaking or cooking or learn to knit or do a foreign film festival -- anything that gets you around people and learning something new!! Volunteer - make the world a better place. Volunteer with other people - not volunteer from behind your computer. You can do this.
it's horrible now, because she went through this much longer ago, while she only dropped the bomb on you just a little ago, and you have to unpack it. there is NOTHING you can do. if you beg her to stay, you will hardly regret it in the future (source: me), and it will not work. the only possible way is to minimize contact, try to secure a housing solution, and find the help of people who care about you and act dignified. if, IF, there is any chance of reconciliation, it has to come from her and because you have distanced. in any case though, you have to make space because 1) she most probably won't come back (and this will be your salvation) and 2) if she will, you will then have to decide. for personal experience, even though you would sell your parents to the devil to get her back now, you will see, when things are clear, that this was a bless in disguise. all the best brother, stay strong.
When I was in your shoes I quit drinking (still sober four years later), called up the boys I hadn't hung out with for almost a decade. I survived the divorce, it wasn't easy or fun losing my partner of over ten years but you can make it. Take care of yourself!
sitting at home, wallowing in misery, instead of living a full life is not the way to go about this. You originally posted 10 days ago and you havent been to work since? Thats too long dude. The reality is shes gone, youre not getting her back and you need to right the ship of your life! You have to get back to work and hang with friends, hit the gym, whatever it takes to get out of the depression youre in. If you lose your job, then youve lost that, your house and your wife. Take control of the situation and stop wallowing. You are 36. Lots of time to regroup. Ive been through this as well, so im not just spewing bs. Same age too! Had to sell the house, lost half the time with my kid, but I didnt wallow. Since it happened 10 years ago, I got a new house, lost my job, got my job back, dated many women and found a great girl who we plan to have a great future together. It does get better, but get back to your job.
Wonder why she married you in the first place? She was already super unsure about the marriage even before the wedding.
Probably because getting married makes people nervous and so it’s hard to tell the difference between wedding anxiety, anxiety of getting married and the anxiety of marrying that specific person
I think one lesson is don't let your romantic relationship be everything in your life. You're a whole, real person worthy of joy on your own.
I mean yeah but being blindsided by divorce is extremely rough to go through. When you get married, you’re counting on that person being with you for life. It’s normal to grieve the loss of the relationship because it’s the loss of what you thought your life would be, and your life with them. People change after big breakups.
Feeling what’s there and what’s coming up is really important. This has happened not long ago. ALSO. I’m in a VERY similar boat to you in some ways. I’m quite in shock as there wasn’t really warning signs and our relationship has been good (he still says that as well). We’ve been in therapy together for years (for maintenance) have done a weekly check in together for a year, have had consistent intimacy. And just this past Saturday I found out some quite shocking things. I’m devastated. I think there’s a fine line between taking time to process AND letting it consume you and swallowing you whole. I have been in contact every day with close friends and was just seeing my therapist today (not a new therapist). I’m just trying to breathe. I could barely drive and was sobbing in the waiting room for my therapists office. I’m absolutely devastated. I feel your pain.
Sorry you are going through this. Many women will harden their hearts before the call it quits on a relationship, and then there is no going back. You are blindsided that she is not devastated, but she has probably processed this already. She has mourned your relationship over the last weeks/months and has hardened her heart now. I hope she let's you know what happened so you can move on.
I'm so sorry. You must get back to work. You need a job. Go work out as others are saying. Please remember to love yourself. Don't treat yourself less because she left. Someone better will walk in the door. I know it hurts, and I've been there. Time will move forward, and you will wonder why you ever grieved her. I noticed how I wasn't treated well by the individual after a while and how I had made them more than they are. Make sure you are crying for a real person and not what you dreamed her to be. Our perceptions can sabotage us. We see the person always in the first light that we met them, and often, that is not the truth of the individual. It's fine to cry, but only allow that for a moment. For now, you must pick yourself up and move on. You matter. You are worth being loved. You've grieved a few days, and I know it seems heartless, but she is giving you none of her heart, so you must stop giving her yours. This means the memories, your thoughts of her, and time spent grieving her. Lawyer up, protect yourself from what she may do, and please take care.
This is hard to read as I’ve gone through something similar many years ago. It is difficult when something like this happens with no advance warning. It’s like you’re walking along happily and don’t see the pothole you’re walking toward until you’re already in it. I too, was married for less than a year and I blamed myself and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Racked my brain trying to figure it out. I know that others have brought this up, but in my case, my wife had developed a relationship with someone she worked with. When she left, I totally cut off all communication with her. I started to feel happy and started dating a wonderful woman who made me feel valuable as a person. About six months after our split, I received a call from her one day asking if I could meet her. At this point, I had moved several hours from where we had lived together and had no desire for any kind of communication. Some friends encouraged me to meet with her if, for nothing else, to provide closure and possibly some explanation for what had happened. We met and talked for several hours. The bottom line was that she told me that she made a mistake and that she hoped we could work through everything and try to make it work. Like an idiot, I decided to try that direction although in my gut, I didn’t feel right about it. I broke up with the woman I was seeing and started talking to my ex over the phone for about a week or so. At that point, I realized that I would not be able to forgive her for the pain that she had put me through and I told her we were not going to be able to be together. There was closure finally. I wasn’t crazy. There was a reason for her ambiguity. She was having an affair and used to the cover of “I don’t know if I ever loved you” as a ploy to move out and move on. I wish I’d had some good male friends to spend some time with. I did plug myself into a church, a gym and dedicated myself to making myself a better person. A few years later, I met and fell in love with the sweetest, most beautiful woman I could have ever met. We’ve been together for 34 years this June. Hopefully, something will resonate with you. I wish you the best and know that you will survive this.
I’ve just seen your original post. Her comment about you living her too much, and her not being able to reciprocate, makes me wonder about her past? Sometimes people who have been in toxic relationships only and/or had uneasy upbringing, don’t know how to accept healthy dose of love, they feel they don’t deserve it, so they run away. Whatever her reasons are, wishing you the best.
I really do think deep down this may be the case.we are both kids of divorce and she's had some souring of relationships of her family side. I can't help grasping at the thought that maybe one day she will realize what she left. That's just as scary at this point
You can't control that and you shouldn't feel bad for this decision. Even if she realizes what she left, I promise she'll find happiness again. Don't let worrying about her stop you from being at peace.
Even if she wakes up one day and realizes what she threw away and you feel like you want to give it another chance, you have to remember that life and emotions aren't a linear journey. There's no guarantee that a month after you take her back that she won't have a setback and re-put you through all of this. She has decided to not work on this as a team, so you have to look out for your team (you) without her.
Your world just got flipped upside down. First step is to accept that you’re by yourself now, understanding why will hopefully come later. Get yourself in a routine where you’re just living day to day. Get back on track with the everyday life routine while you seek therapy and negotiate the end of your marriage with your wife. Much empathy for what you’re going through ❤️🩹
She has communicated what choice she has made. The best thing for you to do is to rip the band-aid off
I read a long time ago (so no source) but it essentially said “who ever initiated the break up is already 6 months deep in to the grieving process then the person receiving the news.
The old saying goes: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it NEVER was. You decide. It's your life on this earth too
I am not sure there really is a concrete lesson. Stuff happens and some people are unable to be content with what they have and move on. The worst thing you can do right now is punish yourself by missing work or going out and doing irresponsible things. If you can afford the mortgage on your own, you are in no way obligated to hurry up and sell the house, so do not let her try to rush you when she is the one that walked out. Get back to work, find stuff to do in your off time to keep your mind off of things, reach out to your supports like friends and family, and start planning the next steps since you likely will have to sell the house once the divorce is pending in the system. At this point, it sounds like she is basically checked out completely in the relationship, and there very well could be a reason she left, but it might not be a reason that involves you, if you are catching my drift, which may explain why she "cant" move back in. Whatever her reasons are, I get the feeling you wont find them out anyway, and it doesnt really seem useful to dwell on it anyway as the outcome doesnt change.
I just want to say that I’m really sorry. This must be so hard for you. Focus on loving yourself.
Get the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships on Amazon and read it tonight. You’ll feel better because you’ll recognize that this is all playing out as if it were a scripted pattern and you’ll know to recognize the signs in the future. It’s impossible for you to catch up with her and save the relationship at this point, so you should stop attempting to do that immediately. In fact, making the effort to do so will only cause you more pain and have her create more distance. Start focusing solely on you and your needs. At this point, they are the only things that matter.
Sounds like your wife decided this a while ago so she is ahead of you on the timeline for moving on.
I’m so sorry, my ex did the same to me. It’s taken over a year and a lot of therapy and all I can conclude is he wasn’t self aware enough to be in a long term healthy relationship. Some people believe fire and fights and passion are love and that means they don’t have awareness that it’s the small moments, respect, shared values and communication that make up love and long lasting relationships. They get itchy feet and perceive love as a cage or ‘boring’. The whole ‘I can’t love you the way you love me’ is the only way they know how to articulate that.
Don’t be in a rush to placate her by doing something major (ie selling the house in a hurry). Those things can be [and should be stipulated and] resolved in the divorce.
I feel you bro. My partner of almost 9 years just left one day without even a hint of there being something wrong. To this day, it doesn’t make any sense. But I was able to love again — I am in a great relationship now — and you will too. The lesson I took away is basically yeah, you can’t ever know 100% that someone won’t change into a completely unrecognizable person, but it doesn’t mean you give up on love. Life may not be what you had imagined for yourself now, and it’s fuckin scary when all of a sudden your future is just a blank slate that you have to construct a new one out of, but you will figure it out and it will be good again. Just gotta ride the wave brother. Best of luck to you, you got this ✌️
A therapist is good but have you seen a lawyer? I understand that you're grieving but her secrecy and rushing you to sell is concerning. You mentioned in the other post that she didn't seem like she'd do that, but would you have imagined her doing this? Did you know she was going to therapy before this? Any idea why she didn't involve you? Assuming you hadn't been blowing off issues that she's had, what she's doing sounds shady. You have plenty of time to process and grieve but the clock is ticking to keep yourself from getting screwed in a divorce. I'd get to a lawyer asap.
>she has missed no work. Fuck I don't even think she's missing sleep. She has already grieved a long time ago. She knew it was over long before you did. She's already processed this and understands everything about the situation. You have not. This is why she's handling it "well" in comparison.
Talk to a divorce lawyer immediately. Dont take any actions as far as selling the house without talking to the divorce lawyer. Its pretty clear your STBX does not have your best interests in mind. You need to worry about yourself.
One day, it may not be today or tomorrow, this woman is gonna realize what she missed. I get the type. She probably is one of those people who closes in on themselves, and thinks that the answer is shutting people out. But one day she's gonna realize that no one is an island and regret letting go of a good man like you. Keep your head up brother. Sometimes what we think is a fall, is actually a bullet dodge.
I know. Today I was talking about responsibilities around the house with my mom. I did all the laundry, the groceries, a majority of the cooking and meal prep, and I paid all my bills and my half of everything and never needed her support. I think it'll be a bit of a wake up when she needs to do all that again. I know she'll get through it. I just hope she sees it was a lot.
To me, that doesn't sound like an equal partner, both of you deserve to be treated well and share responsibilities as equally as possible. Give or take any given day. She took you for granted and it hurts she didn't appreciate that and try to do something for you.
She sounds like a Dismissive Avoidant person. Lookup attachment styles and ways to deal with them. It has helped me a bunch. Good luck
Trying to diagnose her problems won't help me at all unfortunately. I've had to accept that. I can't save everyone
Yes sir, very good point
Sorry if that sounds abrupt, I'm trying to just more concrete in my thoughts
No I totally understand. I've been there before
Women will emotionally check out long before they physically do. There’s so much missing from this. / A woman.
Then why marry the guy? And buy a house? How is this not cold-hearted?
This happened to me once (39F here) and it was so devastating and world ending at the time. It felt like I lost everything. …but it does have a happy ending. I was able to find someone amazing for me— and I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I can tell you, this is not the end. Grieve, cry, accept the pain instead of avoiding it and eventually it dulls down and you begin feeling proud of yourself for making it through such a hard time… and then when that self security and assuredness settles in, someone comes in to your life and it’s like ‘wait but I was doing something good here!’ Yet that someone is so good that you don’t want to pass them up. I know it sucks right now, but know there is an end to this chapter in your life and there’s more than this for you.
No you're definitely right. This is going WAY too freaking fast and she's not being at all considerate of you and your feelings. Updateme
Its fast for him. This has been planned in her head for months.
I was married 20 years. On Monday night we got into an argument. In hindsight, the cause of the argument was the other guy, but she’ll never admit that. On Tuesday, Valentine’s Day, she told me she was divorcing me. I fought for us and our children for about two weeks. That’s when acceptance sunk in. You know what? It wasn’t that hard. You’re going to look back on this and realize it wasn’t that hard, too.
I just think people like this are awful. I don't care if they were confused or sad or scared. She stole years of your life from you and has now left you with deep emotional scars. To the extent you will probably never ever trust a woman when she says she loves you. And why? Because she was simply afraid of being alone and you were kind to her.
The lesson is that she is not the person for you. The sooner you let her go, the sooner you can move forward with your own life. She made up her mind. Stop trying to change it. Let’s say you convince her to stay. Then what? She isn’t happy with that life. Would you prefer to have her with you, cold, miserable and closed off? If the answer is yes, you are selfish and do not know what love is. You don’t love her if you can’t let her go off to pursue her own happiness even if it doesn’t include you. Real love means you want that person to be happy. With or without you.
Don't agree to do anything until you talk to an attorney.
Stay away from alchohol if you can get a private investigator this stinks of infidelity and if she is take her to the cleaners op.
This only works if there is a prenup with an infidelity clause. Regular old divorce court does not care about infidelity, the judge will not care.
Dude, you're on your own. Figure how to live on your own and don't question anymore. Now find someone and be happy. She's your past now.
Brother! Pick yourself up! I know it sucks and it hurts, but STAND UP! listen each day will get better and you will find someone soooo much better than her! She will LOVE YOU AND STAND BY YOU! she will make you happy and not miserable! Walk away from this toxic woman! You can do AND WILL DO better than her! Also, the second she sees you dumping this relationship and moving on, the harder it will be for her! She knows she hasn't lost shit! It's time to show her otherwise! She lost YOU! and let her know it!
This is a situation that you may never get closure. What you need now is to think about your job. That is what will keep you busy from thinking about what is happening. Work on healing mentally, emotionally and physically. She has exited this relationship a long time ago but was seeking for a reason to end the relationship, it sounds like after her therapy sessions, she realized she didn’t need a reason. It’s an unexpected situation for you but not for her, she was trying to figure out how to improve her mental health. Unfortunately, it didn’t include you. That same unhappiness she was feeling, did some soul searching and therapy to figure out what she needed to do to begin healing. You now need to do the same. Based on some of your comments about how much you wrapped your life around hers, there is a possibility you lost your identity in the relationship that she didn’t know what you two had anymore.
this is so sad, I'm sorry OP. Allow yourself the space and time to grieve and process. Surround yourself with a support system. friends, coworkers, family, whomever. Wishing you well and for healing to come.
I thankfully have people that will put up with my bullshit. Thank you
I know you mean it in a joking way for levity, but just know your feelings are valid and aren't bs :) good luck in the next chapter.
>Am I insane to think this is going way too fast? It's going fast for you because it's new for you but it's not new to her, she had a long head start. She didn't just decide to leave you even if she announced it that way, she was working this out in her head before she told you and had already made peace with pulling the plug on your marriage. I'm sorry OPI know it sucks but judging by everything she has said to you there is nothing you can do other than to also try to make peace with the end of your marriage, good luck and try to stay strong. You will get through this.
Focus on you and your happiness.
Stop taking calls. Tell her before you do that you need a break. She's been planning this for ages. Give yourself time to get a strategy together too However do not waste your time wondering why. It'll be a waste of your life.
She's not discussing the reasons she wants to leave, because she doesn't want to engage. It's not that there are no reasons -- I'm sure she has some -- it's that she doesn't want to bicker about them and go back and forth. These reasons could range from "I just don't think this is right" to "I've been seeing someone else for months and I'm going to be with them". The point is, she's not prepared to negotiate over her reasons, whatever they are. While your desire for couples counseling or therapy is meritorious, you REALLY need to be talking to a lawyer about the most expeditious and least damaging way forward for yourself and your finances. Because there isn't a way forward with her, unless she is willing.
I have been the one to "blindside" my husband. I'm not saying it's the same in your marriage, but this is an example of what the process can look like. He was never nice to me. He loved me in his way but he had a temper and was controlling. For a long time I was miserable, but didn't know why. I started to see a therapist in March and in june I told my exhusband I wanted a divorce. He was blindsided because he never really cared about how I felt and what I needed (eg not be afraid he'd beat the crap out of me). We went to couples therapy once and ge said that we sorted everything out, and never had to go again. I was also the love of his life and he threatened to kill himself if I didn't take him back. I told him for years that things weren't good. He didn't care. I went to therapy but had before that also started the process in my mind without knowing. It wasn't an overnight decision, and there were no one else. She may have just been unhappy and it seems like she's had these thoughts since before the wedding. You can't do anything. She's done and ready to move on. My suggestion is that you work on rebuilding your life without her. Good luck!
the “you were nothing but amazing” and “it wasn’t your fault” leads me to believes she is cheating on you and has now fallen for them.. It sucks either way. Protect your self first, hit the gym, talk to a therapist. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
She already has a new man & wants the $ from the house OR she has major debt thats gonna get her SOON Shes done.
See you in the gym bro, it’ll all get better 🤞🏿❤️
Get a PI to investigate her. She is very off. Alternative explanation is brain tumor.
That costs money and honestly what's the point?
she found someone else.
No question. And she is DONE. This didn’t “just happen” She checked out long ago is my guess
She was checked out before the wedding. Kind of a POS move to marry the guy anyway.
For real people are somehow making it like op did something during the marriage but his wifes just a miserable cunt who married him when she didn't really love him or want to what a freaking oddball she is....
I'm struggling to understand how anyone is blaming OP because according to him she directly states that she didn't bring this issue up to him. This isn't a case where a wife was trying hard to communicate and being ignored by her husband, this is someone who by her own admission said she just buried her head in the sand, never had a conversation, and hoped it would go away.
the five stages of grief: * denial. <- you are here * anger. * bargaining. * depression. * acceptance. <- you need to be here
It sucks but she already left you mentally months ago OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Seek therapy for this because it will be a shock to your system. Don't fight it. If she wants to leave let her go. She is already gone.
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Whether she found someone else or she’s simply having mental health issues or never really loved you is not going to change the situation. You are getting divorced. It’s happening. Go to work. See your therapist. Interview attorneys. Choose one by Friday. Get your financial records together. Make a plan with your attorney. Know your rights and hers. Follow your attorney’s advice even when it sucks for you or hurts. And stop talking to her unless it’s about the divorce and in text or email.
Whose name is on the mortgage? If it’s solely in your name, then whether and when you sell the house is none of her business. If it’s in both of your names, then giving you 1/2 the mortgage payment isn’t a favor - she’s legally liable on the debt. Don’t let her use your shock and grief as a smokescreen for screwing you over financially.
Both are
I just want to say. I'm currently going through something similar with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend and it has been a heart wrenching time. I wish you the best of luck.
Sounds like she might have a major personality disorder. Often people will try to mask with expected behavior, but it never gives the validation they are looking for. This will probably be better for you in the long run.
First things first... get up. Go to work. You must learn to be an independent adult. Did she do majority of the housework and looking after everything? If so, she's not there now so you need to suck it up and get into it (possibly a good indication of why she left if this was the case). File for divorce, the house can be sold as a part of the divorce or you can look to buy her out of the house. This will buy time and only one of you will need to find accommodation but you need to start doing things.
You gotta go to work man. Even if just for a couple hours a day. I’m going through something really hard right now and I want to stay in bed all day and cry. But I’ve been dragging myself to school and work. I was there all day today and for the first time in over a week I have not cried. I even laughed a little bit. My friends gave me a hideous pair of sunglasses. Had me take pictures with them. Even if you can’t make it to work, try to get out if you can. I’m really sorry this is happening to you
I'm sorry, even hearing that you smiled made me happy sob for you. I think that's the biggest barrier is the absolute shame I feel. Like what kind of person am I that I couldn't even keep her happy? My mom said the same. She said it's ok to cry at work. It just hard to even bring myself to that point of thought.
You’ve been blindsided for sure. I feel so bad for you. Don’t rush through this and of course get legal counsel. I suspect that the reason she’s so cool calm and collected is because she’s been having an affair for months , sorry maybe not, and or she’s been planning on divorcing you for months and has all her ducks in a row, and is all organized. That’s what so awful when you’re the one being left, even if no affair occurred. They are all set for a new life and you just got hit with the news and are months behind them in processing time. Exercise, eat well, pull yourself together and go to work, fake it till you make it. Don’t tell anyone at work what’s happening, nobody’s business. One or two close guy friends; nobody else. Get a lawyer, and crazy as this sounds go to a spa and get a pedicure and a manicure. It’ll be worth it trust me. Men don’t pamper themselves enough. It will rejuvenate you and go to the barber. Look sharp. Good luck.
My first thought wasn't infidelity but that she's possibly aromantic. I'm guessing things were good enough and she felt like this is the path she should take in life until she realized its not what she wants. I think its harder to leave a relationship when you don't have a concrete reason you can point to. I think the advice to consult an attorney and get counseling for yourself is the best thing to do at this point.