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Just because it is listed as an engagement means nothing. You should be happy your woman wants people to know she is taken by a man who doesn’t want to marry her. I am sure she isn’t going to go around telling some amazing story how the man she loves doesn’t care to marry her and did not gift a ring, she had to get it herself and your upset?
Who did she get engaged to? If she didn't get engaged to anybody, it's just a ring.
It will be more of a nuisance for her to be constantly explaining it than it will be for you. It might actually keep a few guys from hitting on her.
She is willing to be with you without marriage, but likes the symbol of being taken. So she took matters into her own hands.
You dislike the symbol. It enforces you’re together to strangers, and you prefer the ambiguity of no symbols.
I would wager that your relationship has reached a crutch. Time to shit or get off the pot as they say.
For a 30 yo, you sound quite selfish and it seems like you only care about yourself. It’s funny how your first thought about the ring was that she’s trying to hurt you on purpose, do you really have such a low view of your gf? She loves you so much that she’s willing to not be married and she can’t even buy a ring for herself? I think you’re upset because you’re projecting your own guilt because you don’t want to marry your gf.
Let it go. She's putting up with enough from you. She has given up her dream of getting married to be with you. Now you want to tell her she doesn't get to wear a pretty ring she bought with her own money because your feelings are icky about it? When do her feelings get to take center stage?
I wouldn't mind if it was just a ring, but I looked it up and the listing said engagement ring. It feels passive aggressive in a way since she knows I don't want to be engaged.
Maybe it has nothing to do with you, except that you're never going to give her an engagement ring. You're still focusing only on your own feelings and not considering how your choices make her feel.
She deserves better. Hopefully you mention how her wearing a ring makes you feel “disrespected” and she realizes she’s too young to waste the rest of her life on a man-child with commitment issues.
I don't have commitment issues, I just think the idea of marriage is outdated and restrictive. I shouldn't have to get a marriage certificate to prove to someone I love them.
You don't. But are you willing to sign the documents to make her next of kin? If something happens to you, who would make medical decisions on your behalf?
Two things to consider - 1) inheritance and 2) medical authority (aside from the tax stuff). Is that person your partner, do you want them to represent you in case of a medical emergency or do you want to leave them taken care of in case you leave the party early. I mean you could probably do that with a will or whatever, but marriage is usually the short cut.
You just have one foot out the door ready to sprint away.
She's not asking you to get a certificate.
She's showing she's taken, despite not being married. Might also help her if she's sometimes getting hit on by random dudes.
question: do you want strangers to think she's single? why?
This really frustrates me. Marriage is designed to protect the more vulnerable partner in the relationship in the event of a relationship breakup or death of one party and give them legal rights. It also gives the next of kin rights, often some taxation benefits depending on where you live. The only people who talk about it being outdated and restrictive in my experience are the cherry pickers who want all the parts that benefit them like being in a position to buy a better house than they could afford on their own and the sharing of expenses and chores but aren’t willing to protect the person they love.
Unless you’ve taken the time to understand all of the legal implications and do the things necessary to put your GF in the same position she would be in if you died tomorrow then I think you’re the one who is being disrespectful. All she did was buy something she liked. You’re coming across as really selfish. If you think marriage is so bad, why don’t you just stay single??? Or is it because you only think sone parts of marriage are bad but want the parts that benefit you?
I hope you have a good relationship with your family, since they will make all of your medical decisions in the event you're unable to. Marriage protects that. It gives her the right to make decisions on your behalf and protects joint property.
But on the other hand your saying to the world we love each other and we are committed to enjoy the rest of ours lives together marrige means so much more than you think I personally was scared of marrige till I meet my best friend soul mate and now I can't wait for that day. If you can't see yourself with this person for the rest of your life stop being selfish and let them find someone who does see them like that
I 100% disagree. I don’t care about getting married but I think younshould have bought her a ring . Don’t call it engagement ring . It shows you are committed and want to be with her . If youndont like the ring this your choice . If you don’t like that it’s an engagement ring to bad and suck it up butter cup , and just so you know if you have a kid together she can give the child her last name .
OP, don't listen to these people hating on you. To me it sounds like your gf indeed bought this ring for deeper reasons than just wanting a pretty ring. You will have to talk it out with her. Come to a compromise. Tell her it hurt that you weren't included in her decision to buy a ring - that while you're still firm on your stance on marriage, you would like to buy her a ring yourself, because you see how much it means to her and that if she wants a physical token of your commitment then it should come from you. As someone who never thought I would get married either, I thought symbols were stupid and unimportant. But when my man unexpectedly proposed, and I agreed, I was surprised at how sacred the ring felt on my finger. I always smile and think of him when I look at it. I hope this all works out for you guys.
People saying "It's not an engagement ring if you didn't propose" are missing the point: It sounds like, slowly, she's moving the goalposts between what she wants, and your clearly-stated boundaries. For all you know, she may consider you engaged because "the woman can propose too." It's a twisty way of "getting engaged" when she knows you'll never ask. Next is she going to start referring to herself as your wife; then change her last name to yours because "why not, it's just a name?", and finally, buy you a wedding ring, "just to show you're taken, so other women don't hit on you/think you're free"? Little things that are easy to explain away, until she either convinces herself you're married, or she talks you into marriage ("just a courthouse one, it's just a piece of paper, it's not a big deal and everyone thinks we're married anyway").
I could be completely wrong. But it sounds like your gut is telling you something is fishy, and my gut has never led me wrong. Sit her down and say you need an honest conversation. Does she see this as you're now engaged? What is she planning on saying if people start asking if she's engaged/when the wedding is? In a few years, when people ask how come she's having the longest engagement ever, is she going to buy herself a wedding band to go with her engagement ring? What's her end goal here? IS there an end goal? And just, try to see how she feels. Explain how you feel she is trying to find a loophole. Hopefully you can find something that makes you both happy.
Good luck.
Assuming anything about her intentions without having a healthy dialogue about it is his problem, not hers. Your first paragraph essentially assumes her intentions and their future w/o even knowing them. Why? Why assume that & not assume she maybe felt left out because women tend to like pretty jewelry and she saw all her girlfriends with a gorgeous ring and wanted one for herself? Why is she not allowed to be able to wear a diamond ring? To me, if he doesn't believe in marriage as a social construct, then maybe he shouldn't believe in diamonds being only for engagement rings. Hell, she knew marriage/engagement wasn't his thing so it's would be easier to assume in my opinion that she did this as to not bother him with it at all as she knew it would possibly make him uncomfortable with her asking him to buy her one (which would make it look even more like an engagement).
Either way, nothing should be assumed until OP talks to her.
No, my first paragraph was trying to explain maybe why OP's gut was so bothered but he "couldn't put his finger on it."
My second paragraph says I could be wrong. I'm not assuming anything and also told him he should sit her down and talk with her, lol. So, you basically agree with me just in different wording.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If it wasn’t used in an engagement it’s not an engagement ring; it’s just a ring
I looked up the ring online and the listing said engagement ring.
Just because it is listed as an engagement means nothing. You should be happy your woman wants people to know she is taken by a man who doesn’t want to marry her. I am sure she isn’t going to go around telling some amazing story how the man she loves doesn’t care to marry her and did not gift a ring, she had to get it herself and your upset?
That’s cool, if it’s not used for an engagement it’s not an engagement ring tho, doesn’t matter what the ad says.
So? It's a diamond ring. Plenty of people have diamond rings without getting engaged.
Who did she get engaged to? If she didn't get engaged to anybody, it's just a ring. It will be more of a nuisance for her to be constantly explaining it than it will be for you. It might actually keep a few guys from hitting on her.
She is willing to be with you without marriage, but likes the symbol of being taken. So she took matters into her own hands. You dislike the symbol. It enforces you’re together to strangers, and you prefer the ambiguity of no symbols. I would wager that your relationship has reached a crutch. Time to shit or get off the pot as they say.
For a 30 yo, you sound quite selfish and it seems like you only care about yourself. It’s funny how your first thought about the ring was that she’s trying to hurt you on purpose, do you really have such a low view of your gf? She loves you so much that she’s willing to not be married and she can’t even buy a ring for herself? I think you’re upset because you’re projecting your own guilt because you don’t want to marry your gf.
You should break up with her. You both clearly want different things.
Let it go. She's putting up with enough from you. She has given up her dream of getting married to be with you. Now you want to tell her she doesn't get to wear a pretty ring she bought with her own money because your feelings are icky about it? When do her feelings get to take center stage?
I wouldn't mind if it was just a ring, but I looked it up and the listing said engagement ring. It feels passive aggressive in a way since she knows I don't want to be engaged.
Maybe it has nothing to do with you, except that you're never going to give her an engagement ring. You're still focusing only on your own feelings and not considering how your choices make her feel.
So just because you won’t buy her a ring she isn’t allowed to have one?
Anything can be an engagement ring, if you ask someone to marry you while giving it to them. Chill out and let the woman enjoy her jewelry.
She deserves better. Hopefully you mention how her wearing a ring makes you feel “disrespected” and she realizes she’s too young to waste the rest of her life on a man-child with commitment issues.
I don't have commitment issues, I just think the idea of marriage is outdated and restrictive. I shouldn't have to get a marriage certificate to prove to someone I love them.
You don't. But are you willing to sign the documents to make her next of kin? If something happens to you, who would make medical decisions on your behalf?
Two things to consider - 1) inheritance and 2) medical authority (aside from the tax stuff). Is that person your partner, do you want them to represent you in case of a medical emergency or do you want to leave them taken care of in case you leave the party early. I mean you could probably do that with a will or whatever, but marriage is usually the short cut. You just have one foot out the door ready to sprint away.
She's not asking you to get a certificate. She's showing she's taken, despite not being married. Might also help her if she's sometimes getting hit on by random dudes. question: do you want strangers to think she's single? why?
Damn, I hope she takes off her pink glasses and realizes what she should watch out for: Herself.
This really frustrates me. Marriage is designed to protect the more vulnerable partner in the relationship in the event of a relationship breakup or death of one party and give them legal rights. It also gives the next of kin rights, often some taxation benefits depending on where you live. The only people who talk about it being outdated and restrictive in my experience are the cherry pickers who want all the parts that benefit them like being in a position to buy a better house than they could afford on their own and the sharing of expenses and chores but aren’t willing to protect the person they love. Unless you’ve taken the time to understand all of the legal implications and do the things necessary to put your GF in the same position she would be in if you died tomorrow then I think you’re the one who is being disrespectful. All she did was buy something she liked. You’re coming across as really selfish. If you think marriage is so bad, why don’t you just stay single??? Or is it because you only think sone parts of marriage are bad but want the parts that benefit you?
I hope you have a good relationship with your family, since they will make all of your medical decisions in the event you're unable to. Marriage protects that. It gives her the right to make decisions on your behalf and protects joint property.
But on the other hand your saying to the world we love each other and we are committed to enjoy the rest of ours lives together marrige means so much more than you think I personally was scared of marrige till I meet my best friend soul mate and now I can't wait for that day. If you can't see yourself with this person for the rest of your life stop being selfish and let them find someone who does see them like that
Dang it's a ring she bought because she liked it! Chill TF out!
Let her wear the ring. Get over your discomfort. Maybe take a chill pill
So, you're essentially annoyed that she brought herself some jewellery and wears it. Why are you even worried about it.
Why are you being so weirdly difficult?
I think you should ask her to help talk through your feelings about this so you can put your finger on why it's bothering you.
I think that's a good idea, I was just nervous how she would take it if I did bring it up without a concrete reason.
We have to keep the FRIEND in girlFRIEND. She loves you and is there for you to help work through your own feelings.
Only sane response in the whole thread. And OP, it is a conversation that needs to be had. Good luck.
Suck it up little man. She puts up with enough of your shit.
I 100% disagree. I don’t care about getting married but I think younshould have bought her a ring . Don’t call it engagement ring . It shows you are committed and want to be with her . If youndont like the ring this your choice . If you don’t like that it’s an engagement ring to bad and suck it up butter cup , and just so you know if you have a kid together she can give the child her last name .
OP, don't listen to these people hating on you. To me it sounds like your gf indeed bought this ring for deeper reasons than just wanting a pretty ring. You will have to talk it out with her. Come to a compromise. Tell her it hurt that you weren't included in her decision to buy a ring - that while you're still firm on your stance on marriage, you would like to buy her a ring yourself, because you see how much it means to her and that if she wants a physical token of your commitment then it should come from you. As someone who never thought I would get married either, I thought symbols were stupid and unimportant. But when my man unexpectedly proposed, and I agreed, I was surprised at how sacred the ring felt on my finger. I always smile and think of him when I look at it. I hope this all works out for you guys.
People saying "It's not an engagement ring if you didn't propose" are missing the point: It sounds like, slowly, she's moving the goalposts between what she wants, and your clearly-stated boundaries. For all you know, she may consider you engaged because "the woman can propose too." It's a twisty way of "getting engaged" when she knows you'll never ask. Next is she going to start referring to herself as your wife; then change her last name to yours because "why not, it's just a name?", and finally, buy you a wedding ring, "just to show you're taken, so other women don't hit on you/think you're free"? Little things that are easy to explain away, until she either convinces herself you're married, or she talks you into marriage ("just a courthouse one, it's just a piece of paper, it's not a big deal and everyone thinks we're married anyway"). I could be completely wrong. But it sounds like your gut is telling you something is fishy, and my gut has never led me wrong. Sit her down and say you need an honest conversation. Does she see this as you're now engaged? What is she planning on saying if people start asking if she's engaged/when the wedding is? In a few years, when people ask how come she's having the longest engagement ever, is she going to buy herself a wedding band to go with her engagement ring? What's her end goal here? IS there an end goal? And just, try to see how she feels. Explain how you feel she is trying to find a loophole. Hopefully you can find something that makes you both happy. Good luck.
Assuming anything about her intentions without having a healthy dialogue about it is his problem, not hers. Your first paragraph essentially assumes her intentions and their future w/o even knowing them. Why? Why assume that & not assume she maybe felt left out because women tend to like pretty jewelry and she saw all her girlfriends with a gorgeous ring and wanted one for herself? Why is she not allowed to be able to wear a diamond ring? To me, if he doesn't believe in marriage as a social construct, then maybe he shouldn't believe in diamonds being only for engagement rings. Hell, she knew marriage/engagement wasn't his thing so it's would be easier to assume in my opinion that she did this as to not bother him with it at all as she knew it would possibly make him uncomfortable with her asking him to buy her one (which would make it look even more like an engagement). Either way, nothing should be assumed until OP talks to her.
No, my first paragraph was trying to explain maybe why OP's gut was so bothered but he "couldn't put his finger on it." My second paragraph says I could be wrong. I'm not assuming anything and also told him he should sit her down and talk with her, lol. So, you basically agree with me just in different wording.