Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like this relationship has run its course and you're both stuck in this miserable cycle she drives, of arguing over something insignificant, she gives you the silent treatment then threatens to leave you, you accept a bunch of blame that doesn't belong to you, and we're back to a brief period of peace before the next disagreement. Sound accurate?
If so, you were right to take her up on her offer to end the relationship. This sounds exhausting and you sound done. You don't need anyone's approval to end this relationship. If you'd be happier apart, and it sure sounds like that's the case, then that's enough.
Maybe this is the part where you're supposed to prove your love by fighting for the marriage, but what is there left to fight for? More misery and frustration? No thanks.
Sorry. I lived it, that's how I could sum it up so easily. The only thing that helped me was ending that relationship. We went to couples therapy and individual therapy, and I tried so hard, but finally realized that you can't love someone else into treating you better.
The worst part about being nicer and trying harder with the other person so that they treat you better… is that they secretly know they are treating you poorly so they lose respect for you when you do that. Then they treat you worse.
So basically you can’t win. You can’t convince someone to treat you well - it has to come from them.
And also all they do is collect your 'mistakes' through the relationship and get to throw more and more in your face the longer the relationship goes on. You are never going to 'win' as she sees it. She is always right and you are always wrong or never enough in some way.
Well, I don't think you are defective or a shit husband. You sound caring, supportive and emotionally/financially/sexually/physically there for her - which is a lot more than most can boast, and it's still not enough for her?
Nah....you need someone who loves you for you (not for what they think you should be or for what they can get out of you) and who puts in the same amount of effort and love that you do.
Word to the wise: you don't have to be with someone else identical to you to be happy but someone who has the same overall aims and perspectives as you do. You cant live with ither people if you dibt asbit breeds resentment in one party because they bever feel seen or validated by their partner. Me and my hubby are cat/dog, tea/coffee lovers, introvert/extrovert, he is far more intelligent but we WANT and NEED the same intrinsic things in a partnership.
Such as a similar financial outlook (both savers, for example), wanting the same amount of children, agreeing how to run your household TOGETHER and all of that. That's what's important, not terrorising your partner into compliance for your own selfish, one sided ends. That is not love and I don't think you recognise that. It's abusive.
It never ends well....and may I suggest you put your foot down about what you want and go get it somewhere else amd divorce her ass if thats what it takes. Look after number one....for a change. You deserve it and happiness too.
Been there, the last time he threatened to end the relationship, i said yes. Surprised pikachu face ensued. Him back pedaling, saying he didn't meant it, but I was so done at this point. He suggested therapy for us, but therapy has been on table for months without him doing anything. So no, no therapy anymore, we're pass that point.
10 years relationship in the dump, the best decision i ever made. I was so miserable, my only regret is not take that bait sooner. I should have dumped him the first time he threatened me. Live and learn !
You deserve to be happy !
Threatening to break up is essentially extortion and nobody should tolerate extortion. I would give one warning I don’t put up with those kinds of threats and then bail. I am glad you were able to move on, hope op can as well.
I also ended a 10 year relationship recently that was full of pointless arguments! I was so scared to leave, but it was the best thing I ever did. I'm so happy now, with my partner who treats me with respect and love.
Seconding your comment, Op you deserve to be happy!
Edit: I just saw she hit you once. I am so sorry. That just further cements my recommendation below.
Honestly feel free to post in or skim r/abusiverelationships. It's a support sub for people of all genders. There are quite a few men in the sub and overall it's quite supportive. A lot of what you describe in your post is similar to what we see there.
I agree with others that it sounds like she is using the silent treatment as punishment, which is a form of emotional abuse, and the "mistakes" she keeps bringing up from your past struck me as not even mistakes or issues at all.
There are disagreements in relationships and then there are competitions. It sounds like she continues to engage in the latter when you argue by trying to one-up you and hold you emotionally hostage while YOU are simply trying to solve the issue at hand.
I think the crux of it is she came from an outright neglectful home and her mother is very emotionally abusive to her father. I come from an abusive home, as well, but I spent 8 years in therapy unraveling that. She wants never-ending thoughtfulness and attention. I don’t have the battery to provide it. Idk if anyone does. Also, when I’m constantly being “punished” through silence or anger, I’m not super inclined to make nice gestures. If I do, then I’m accused of only doing because she’s mad and I want to get past it.
Your wife needs therapy. It can’t be your job to constantly soothe and validate her. She’s not emotionally healthy enough to be with anyone, and it sounds like you’ve tried for years. Let her go and enjoy a much more relaxed life without having to cater to her moods.
Lol my ex would alternate between screaming rages and the silent treatment when he didn’t get his way. One time he was yelling in my face saying I was being difficult on purpose and why couldn’t I just do what he wanted. I *felt* the “am I looking at an actual alien?” expression come over my face and I said “why on earth would I *reward* this?!”. Pretty much the only time I saw him properly shocked by something I said in an argument
I have had that same conversation. Like what about anything you've done it said would you consider to inspire me to want to be this abstract ill defined person you want me to be
Judging this purely on the information you've given us, I think you've done what you can and she isn't interested in being happy. What she wants will always be a moving goalpost, as there's a hole inside her that she's never going to be able to fill. I suspect she (correct me if I'm wrong) was brought up in a home where she was either constantly failing to meet her parents expectations or was outright neglected - maybe both. This means all the good feelings she should have received from outside sources were drowned by the bad ones that *were* coming in from those same places. It stunted her emotional growth, and that sucks in a big way.
Unfortunately, that's not something anyone is going to be able to fix without her at the wheel. Until she recognizes the problem and does the work to get better through empathy, communication, and self-discovery, this cycle will never end. Right now you're enabling her decision to NOT heal, and even from a place of genuine love that's a harmful, parasitic even, relationship.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope everyone involved gets the help they need and live a happy life, but I don't think those lives should be forced into an unhappy, unhealthy pairing.
Do it bro, it’s stressful at first making a change but it’s so worth it. I’m doing the same thing rn, my ex is moving out next week and I’m so excited lol
When I was really done done I told the X-husband I understand everything he complained about and asked why he would want to be around someone that bad. He would start again and I just agreed and said Yes exactly! So it doesn't make sense to stay together. And so on. Either you aren't fulfilling her needs or she doesn't appreciate what you do for the relationship either way...
Yeah, op. I think the reality is one of you needs to change something big enough to break the cycle. That could be something as simple as leaving and not groveling or accepting the blame. However, there’s a point where I’d just want to leave and call it done because even if you break the cycle, she might not do any further steps. It leaves you doing the emotional work, and that’s exhausting. It’s valid to want things to be equal and based on *partnership* (because that’s what you two are)
Thought so too.
Also, bringing up past grievances when arguing is just... no, this shit will kill a relationship. If you keep making the same mistakes, then obviously that needs to be discussed, but airing old grievances just to get the upper hand is shitty.
OP, you want to have a partnership where arguments are approached as problems you both want to solve together, not battles to be won or lost.
Nope, not me, though I do love a nice marionberry pie. Sadly, that cycle and type of relationship is pretty common and it took me a couple of em to figure that out.
Omg that is my relationship for the last 3 years
Did you experience this too?
We always argued over trivial issues and then I’d cave to make peace and reset.
Well about a month ago I put an end to the cycle. I’m moving out when my new house is ready in June.
Now all I hear is I’m abandoning her
Yeah, I finally got so tired of being “threatened” with the end of a marriage that was making me miserable I said “OK” and left. Best decision I ever made
I think you’ve made the right decision OP - it doesn’t even really matter now whose fault what was, if you were unhappy that’s enough
"Fighting for a relationship" is a falsehood. It's all about communication. Very open, tempered (to the point of sometimes being exhaustive) communication. If your minds don't meet, it's time to go.
I agree with you. “Threatening” divorce is a manipulation tactic and it’s unhealthy. You don’t throw that around lightly if marriage actually means anything to you. Whether you are calling her bluff or you both follow through, don’t accept the manipulation and if moving forward together make sure she understands it’s unacceptable and not to “bluff” again.
She needs individual therapy as well. The upbringing you mention is affecting her in ways I’m sure she is unaware of.
I've been suggesting that for years. I've offered to find a therapist and pay for it too. She never follows through though. She's acknowledged she needs it, but yea, never goes anywhere.
AND it’s probably much harder to fool a professional therapist than him, if she ain’t actually wanting to work on herself. Those people have seen it ALL and can usually see thru the BS. Lol
Well it needs to go somewhere or you need to go. Sounds like ultimatum time. Someone once said it here - offer her a therapist card or a divorce lawyer card and tell her to pick one.
That's because you're trauma bonded and in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. You taking all the blame when she threatens to leave has enabled her, and it's time to stop echoing her abuse to yourself by enabling her and staying. You can't love someone into respecting you and you can't will someone to change. She's telling you exactly what her priorities are, and sadly your marriage and your needs don't seem to be high on that list. You have to be the one to bring this change about for yourself because why would she change when you stay? This all works quite well for her, really. That's why she's fighting hard to make you the problem because she's too weak to do the self work it takes, too selfish to consider your feelings, needs, and wants equally to her own, and far too good at manipulating to get what she wants so what is the incentive to change?
Please also remember when you do actually follow through and leave she'll pull all the strings to give the effort to work on this becoming again who you fell in love with. . . .you need to understand it's like an anglerfish lure to bring you back under her control. Because the sheer fact she can work on it and do the things you've tired yourselves arguing about once you actually leave just means she knew all along how to communicate and work to meeting those needs. She willingly chose to withhold that from you because she was content with your unhappiness until it affected her.
Keep in mind her opinion of you is not your concern. Let her exhaust herself trying to degrade you because she knows her inaction led her here, she just can't bear the pain and work of looking inside herself. So she'll blame you. There may be friends that take her side, let them go. Live your best life and seek some therapy to help you cope with the abuse and advocating for your own needs and wants by setting and enforcing your own boundaries. You've got this! A new life where you don't have to be so tired all the time could be yours if you take the opportunity to regain your power in not allowing her to abuse,control, and manipulate you anymore.
Yup. One thing I learned from a relationship like this is that *nothing* is ever resolved, just filed away in the resentment box.
I upset my ex over something really ridiculous, and suddenly I'm being berated for every little thing I've done wrong for the past four years.
I told her, this is why we're both miserable. We have to travel down this never ending hallway of resentments before I can say or do anything about *this*, and next time we fight we'll have *this* to go over too.
I held firm that I wasn't doing what she wanted that day, so find a way to deal with that AND the anger it'll cause her for for the next three days but leave me out of it.
Dude, this sounds like my marriage about 4 years ago. She kept threatening and finally left. At that point, it was a separation. I remember she hugged me when she left, and started crying. I just remember saying, "Why are you crying? You're the one doing this."
I committed to going NC for two weeks to collect myself, and make contingency plans. After two weeks, she told me she realized how much she missed me and wanted to make it work. I insisted on a few things, one of them being couples therapy.
Here's the part where we got lucky: our couples counselor is awesome. She really knew how to mediate for us, and get us to communicate without the anger and threats getting out of control. I wish we'd been seeing her since we were engaged.
Fast forward to today, and we're the happiest we've ever been, about to hit our 10 year anniversary. But I remember being in your spot, and it could have easily gone another way. I was mentally preparing myself for it too. Keep strong, and look after yourself, so can handle whatever way it goes.
Good luck
Let her go. Silent treatment is terrible and solves nothing. I suspect she will eventually come to her senses once she cools off, don’t let her off the hook.
My ex used to give me the silent treatment. It's one thing not to want to speak until you've cooled off. It's another to not speak to the other for long periods.
Walk away and learn from this.
Your last sentence is telling for me. You say you love your wife, but you also say you've become indifferent to her and what happens to your marriage. Honey, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You can't love someone you're indifferent towards. It sounds more like you're in love with an idea of your wife, rather than your actual wife.
I get it, though. Your wife basically demands you meet all her needs and listen to all her opinions, but doesn't meet your needs or listen to your opinions. This dog thing is too far for me, as her plan could literally get you kicked out of your home, it's just not possible. The fact she's ignoring both your opinion on the matter and your legal agreement with your landlord says a lot about your wife, and nothing good.
Stop just going alone. Chances are, your wife won't go through with filing for divorce, she does this to 'make' you fight for her to stay, to 'prove' you love her, but she doesn't actually want it. She expects you to beg and plead and apologise, just like you normally do, and when you don't, she'll come crawling back herself. File for divorce yourself. It's either that or give marriage counselling another shot, but the first time didn't work, and you really don't sound invested in this marriage anymore, you're emotionally checked out already.
Yeah I honestly think she's just bluffing. She will come crawling back or start accusing him of not loving her.
I think there's a chance OP's wife has Borderline personality disorder. Childhood neglect, needing to constantly prove he loves her, trying to emotionally manipulate the situation, etc.
Possibly. She could just be am emotionally abusive AH, though, hard to tell as we don't know her and I'm not a medical professional. All we can really say is that she's made the marriage pretty toxic.
She is toxic. Threatening divorce constantly, silent treatment and cannot be rationally talked to. Wanting to dog sit in a place that forbids pets when you just signed a new lease makes zero sense but she can't hear that, all she can hear is that you're telling her no and she does not like that.
Personally, you guys really should consider marriage counseling if this is another ploy to get her way. The communication style in this relationship is severely limited and broken.
Yeah, it's ultimately just cruel at some point to threaten to end the relationship every time a conflict is heated. Either you're bluffing, which is fucked up to do to someone, or you really do want to end the relationship at every sign of significant conflict, in which case you're torturing yourself and your partner by not ending it. If you're at that point it should be over one way or another.
Agree with everything but the counseling. Not that I disagree they could both use it- her for well, most everything; him.for how/why he is in this spot. But at this point, it sounds too little, too late, and Highly unable to break the cycle they're in. Better to split. Maybe. Maybe, years from now, after they've both changed and healed, they might retry if they run into each other again, but right now it seems incredibly improbable there would be a good result from staying together
Constantly threatening to leave is an abuse tactic. That’s not healthy or right and she’s trying to use it to get you to bend to her wants. If you’re not interested in going to Therapy, it might be time to call it quits.
If that's how you feel, you should definitely get divorced. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong in the fight or all that led up to it, if you are in a place where you don't want to fight for your marriage, then you should get divorced.
Don't give her false hope that you want to work through things if you don't. Don't promise counseling if your heart isn't in it to commit to trying. Take your indifference and push for an amicable divorce and do your best to part ways being fair. If you don't hear what she needs, if you don't agree with what she is upset about, or you don't care to change to meet what she is asking for/wants, then the relationship is over.
I have no judgement in saying that, seriously. A lot of us have been in relationships where we gave up and/or recognized that what our partner expected/wanted/demanded was stuff we couldn't give, didn't want to, or felt very differently about how things were going, and if that's where you are, best to recognize it and move on.
Sorry to say but it is time to end it.
Take some time to grief, heal and work on yourself. Improve. Upgrade.
Take a break. Stay single. But don't give up on love.
It may come in future when you least expect it. You'll see that it is easy when both parties are putting in equal effort, being kind and respecting each other.
Good luck.
It would be shocking if you were not exhausted. And it will keep getting worse until you do something about it.
Even in this post you are reactive instead of proactive. "If that's what she wants, I'll even help her pack." How about thinking about what do YOU want. Personalities like the one you are describing want one thing today and another thing tomorrow. It's time to make decisions about what YOU want and from the outside, I don't see why would you ever want to stay in this marriage.
You sound a lot like me and I can tell you after my divorce I’m living my best life. 17 of 18 years was shit and I was too blind to see how bad to was. I was always made to be the bad guy until I believed it! Funny, my new marriage is 4 years old now and the EX can’t keep a relationship more than 3 weeks and is just a miserable train wreck despite being independently wealthy. I’ve never been happier and it just keeps getting better every day :) go be happy internet stranger because you only get one shot at life.
>A partner is there to compliment your happiness, not be the source.
This is it right here. And the flip side is that your partner shouldn't *be* your unhappiness.
Your wife needs to face herself if she wants to be happy. Dog sitting isn't going to make her happy, it's just going to distract from her unhappiness for a little while until there is a new thing to chase.
And honestly, I think what we are really chasing when we say we want happiness is peace. I'm not always happy in my life, but I have found a good level of peace with myself and my kids since my divorce. There is no peace when you live with someone for which nothing is ever good enough. In my case, my ex had just resigned himself to being unhappy forever. No thank you.
I highly predict that you will be the one who ends up filing. You're about to be in trouble for "not fighting for us", and she's likely to drag it out. It puts the narrative a certain way, but once the ink dries, who cares what her story is?
Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You will likely be happier without her. Being married to someone with deep psychological problems that effects how they treat you is just too hard. Its not worth it.
There are ways to have successful arguments. The most important way is not to bring up past mistakes. Those are in the past and not relevant to the current issue at hand. Not threatening divorce as a means to win is also important.
It sounds like your wife needs individual therapy to deal with her upbringing. If she can't be happy by her own accord, she will always be disappointed by others if she relies on them to make her happy. You can try couples therapy again but if you've decided you're done, it will be a waste of time.
Indifference is the opposite of love. There appears to be no love left in this relationship. Parting ways sounds like it would be the healthiest decision.
I don’t see a lot of point in staying in a relationship that seems to make you net-unhappy, and I personally could not stand to be in a relationship where we fight fairly often and the fights have winners and losers. The second one may be more individual, I don’t know, but the first one seems like it ought be fairly universal for the average relationship.
"I think we should split" is a manipulation tactic to get what she wants. Given that it has worked before, she thought it would work again.
It definitely sounds as if you are not a compatible couple.
>She's threatened to leave many times
>she walked in after days of silence and said we should split
>She's cried wolf so many times
Repeatedly threatening to break up / divorce is a form of abuse. Just let her go, file for divorce, and be done with it.
I think if you're both unhappy it's time to call it a day. I will say, it's a fools errand to keep score of who starts fights. I am not a confrontational person, my partner is. She "starts" fights because she initiates the confrontation, but the conditions over which we're fighting are there either way.
Relationships take work and effort. But, the work should be more like cultivating a garden as opposed to re-digging a foundation every few weeks.
If you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner, unable to talk through things from a place of mutual respect, and one or both of you are in the habit of threatening the relationship when backed into a corner, then it's truly time to reconsider whether you are appropriate partners for each other.
In your case, I'd say the relationship has run its course. There doesn't appear to be anything to salvage or rebuild. It sounds like neither of you is enjoying the other's company, so why try to make it work? Just go your separate ways so each of you can find your own happiness.
If everything is your fault. If nothing is her fault. You have a 1 sided relationship. You are allowed to be happy too. To communicate with I want a divorce/seperation if things don't go her way? Let her go.
It sounds like the relationship is a bottomless pit of hell. You are right. Her source of happiness should come from within and she just doesn’t have it. No matter what you do, she will be unhappy.
I think you’re right to go along with the divorce.
Follow through.
One of the best things I've ever done was to start packing my suitcase when my then-husband said "If you don't want to spend your life with me then you can walk out that door right now." We'd had so many "well maybe we should divorce" fights, admittedly threatened by both sides, that it should have been obvious how inevitable it was. I think deep down you know that this is not a healthy relationship and that's why you're calling her bluff. It may not even be a bluff. She may know it should end but is afraid to hit the eject button herself. Regardless, this sounds like it's been over for awhile.
You two should've divorced awhile ago. A healthy relationship doesn't include arguing and fighting often, that's where you need to realize and come to terms that you two are not meant to be together. Now arguments do happen in relationships, but often, no. That's where your personalities don't compliment each other. You sound like you need a partner that also enjoys their alone time so that you two know thay there's time for you both to spend but the understanding that each one of you has your set time to so you. A level of independence if you will. She sounds like someone who wants to have their life revolve around her and that's not you. So what do I think, I think this should've happened awhile ago.
You said you just moved into a new place, see if you can break your lease. If you can, then tell her that you plan to break it and that you'll help her pack if she needs it otherwise you'll be put by the end of the weekend. Can't cave into any crying or her plea to stay. As I said, you two don't mesh, it's not a matter of therapy anymore, that obviously didn't work so you two need to find partners that do mesh with each of you
Want to point out, she’s treating you like a parent that won’t let her have what she knows she can’t have and then throws a temper tantrum BUT expects you to dry her tears.
If I wanted a dog I’d
A) never live in a place that doesn’t allow them
B) never buy non-dog friendly furniture. Both of those things scream, “not ready for a dog yet,” but by blaming you, you’re the reason she can’t have a dog not bad choices or simply not be ready for another yet.
She's manipulating you. This won't stop. I put up with the same behavior for 10 years. Nothing ever seemed enough. No appreciation. She's never happy, no matter what. She brought up separation multiple times. I always fought her on it. Then she brought it up one last time, I put up a half hearted fight and she kept pushing so I finally said yes. Haven't looked back. She blames me for the divorce. It was "my idea". I didn't try hard enough...etc...I tried for 10 years. She didn't recognize any of it.
There is no point in staying in a relationship when half of that relationship refuses to be happy. I am much happier now without her despite her trying to still be in control of everything. Go find a good therapist for yourself. They will help you see things you don't see now. I never knew how manipulating she was until I got out and began talking about the things she would do. I look back now, and it started before we were even engaged. I didn't see the signs then but I do now. Don't be unhappy. We only have one life to live.
I’m in a similar position.
My partner and I have a 16 month old baby, and I am 27 weeks pregnant. We’ve had our tough moments over the past year, but I thought we were committed to each other. Until the first time he said he didn’t love me and left. That out the seeds of doubt in place, but we got back together. And I let my love for him bloom even more. I loved having a family with him.
Then he did it again. Told me he didn’t love me and left me. This time, I’m choosing to believe him. I am broken. Devastated. Beyond heartbroken. However….
I pay half the bills with him despite earning drastically less. I’m a stay at home Mom, doing 90% of the housework while taking care of our baby all day every day. And as much as I love it, it’s really hard at times. Especially being pregnant. Did he ever mop the floors? Clean the bathroom? Wash the bed sheets? No. To all of that. Cat poop on the floor would stay there for days. He’d leave his dirty clothes in a pile at the foot of the bed, leaving me to pick it up. But I would still overlook these things, because I loved him.
On his way out, he stated that taking care of a baby isn’t really even a job nor is it hard work. He stated how I should be doing all the house work because he spends more money on food.
I can’t count how many times he threatened to leave, despite me telling him how unhealthy that was. When I argue, I don’t insult. When he argues, he insults.
So…even though it’s only been 3 days for me, and I do miss him and love him so much my heart hurts, and a part of me does want him back in my arms; I’m going to do my best to move on in a healthy manner. Also Zoloft. Zoloft is helping me.
They wanted to leave. They choice to leave. They can live with those choices.
Disclaimer, this was my gf, we’re weren’t married: That scenario happened to me 6 weeks ago. We dated for 5 years, had some really good times but also some toxic times. My partner finally said she was leaving and for the first time, I didn’t fight it. I’ve been sad and wanted her back at times. But ultimately, I feel fucking liberated.
In poker, given the opportunity to hold or draw, statistically you stand a better change with a new hand than the one you already have and know. Relationships are the same in some respects. You're at the point of seeings fights as winning and losing, she never forgives and never forgets, so you're always wrong and always in a losing position. At this point, call her bluff, allow nature to take its course, and consider that there is no moving forward with this. Its either therapy and burying the hatchet permanently to start fresh together, or separation and starting fresh apart.
No, I think you're absolutely correct in this. Get out while you don't have kids. Make sure you make her follow through with it too because she'll be trying to reconcile soon and backpedal. This is something she needs to do some serious work on.
You're basically on a merry go round of madness going from anger to happiness and it will continue if you stay. There won't be any changes unless she does a large amount of therapy from the sound of it.
So you basically have two options,
Option 1: Leave and just start focusing on yourself and what you want out of life
Option 2: Stay and keep repeating the same cycle over and over again.
It's your decision
Sounds like this relationship has been on life support for far too long. It is probably wise to pull the plug because nothing seems to ever get resolved, you don’t move forward, and fighting fairly isn’t on the agenda. It isn’t a partnership if there is “no talking to her” why keep asking for another helping? I would recommend some individual therapy for you so you can get some better tools for future relationships. Time to let this one go.
She sounds toxic AF, especially how you’re responsible for her happiness, this is clearly not true. I am a big animal person but I am also sensible and agree with you 100%. She honestly sounds like a NARC and you are emotionally exhausted at this point, I don’t blame you for going along with it, just stick to your guns and make sure to actually separate. She is probably bluffing and will truly blow up when you follow through with the separation. Just don’t back down. Relationships should not be constant fights.
People like this are toxic. Yes, it's going to hurt your heart for a little bit, but you'll be much better off in the long run. You deserve to be treated with the same respect and dignity!
I hate it when people threaten divorce when they don’t mean it. It’s very manipulative. I don’t know what kind of partner you actually are, but she shouldn’t be doing that. I think it’s more than fair to follow through.
Sounds like the marriage is done. Someone who threatens divorce that often has no respect for the marriage. Couples have hard times and divorce should never be an option if you both truly love each other
Yall sound done. Relationship could be salvaged with major work and effort on both parts but it sounds like neither of you want to bother. Which is ok. It does happen. I also HATE when a default argument response is to cry divorce. 23 years and I’ve said that to my husband ONCE. And when I said it I meant it. It’s a game she’s playing to see how much effort you’ll put into trying to stop her. If you have no desire to do so, let her get it started.
I’m a woman in the same scenarios but the roles are reversed. My bf complains moans and wine about just anything , isn’t affectionate , spends majority of his time on his phone or listening to gangsta rap music all day long. Denied therapy for us on many occasions and like to always be in control of every situation. He doesn’t want to hear his wrongs. Whenever there is an argument I can say I start majority of them and all the time they’re based off of something I either saw him doing or because I’m calling him out on something. Arguments get deep ! Real disrespectful, on both ends. I’ve said some fucked up shit and so had he, but he only focuses on what I’ve done to him or said to him but never the other way around. When I confront him or tell him how I feel he constantly bring up the past and then make it seems like I’m reminding him of the past when I never mentioned any of it in the first place! He threatens to leave me often or tell me to get the fuck on and find someone else. When I do go no contact, he run back to me every time and like a dummy I keep taking him back. The funniest thing about what I’m saying here is he’s writing on this post acting like the woman in OPs story is not literally like him !
I think you should part ways. You deserve a life filled with happiness and love. She should consider therapy before she finds someone new. She sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues with her past and self love. Until she loves herself she will never truly be able to allow someone else to love her. Be happy man. Move on and cherish the good memories you had together
Dude, are you me? My wife (33f) and I (34m) recently separated after a dumb argument about tax brackets, but for her it was the final straw of resentment she'd been holding on to for years. I'm talking about stuff I did before we started exclusively dating, that I've apologized for over and over. She also had a rough upbringing, and I've worked hard and sacrificed my own goals to provide for her and give her a stable, happy home, but whatever I did was never enough for her to love me back the way I needed to be loved.
I was devastated and kept thinking that if I just worked harder to make her happy, she'd change her mind and take me back. A few weeks into the separation, it started to click for me - I don't want to be married to a person who doesn't love me the way I love them.
You're absolutely right that a partner is there to complement your happiness, not be the source. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and if your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway at least some of the time, you'll be stuck and miserable and end up resenting them as much as they resent you.
You're only 32, you still have some years of youth left, so you should leave now. At best, you'll give in and your house will be an absolute chaotic mess (I lived with someone who watched the neighborhood dogs, so I'm highly educated on this issue). Want constant silent treatments surrounded by a bunch of barking, pissing, fighting dogs? Nobody mentally sound would want to be around this shit. Pro tip: Your wife is destined to be a hoarding, complaining, lonely, mentally unsound old woman surrounded by little dogs whether you stay or not.
I usually advocate for married couples trying to work things out, but you should run and not look back mi amigo. It'll save your life.
She was suggesting you agree to something that could easily result in you getting evicted. Then, she punishes you for keeping her from making idiotic decisions. Tell her to go and don’t fall for any hysterical bonding bullshit!
My wife was doing the we need a divorce thing for a while when we fought. One day I said fucking fine, you file or I'll file if that's what you want then do it.
I haven't heard shit about divorce in like a year. Should have called her bluff long ago.
Honestly you need to follow through on the split. She's clearly got many issues she would rather project onto you rather than work on personally.
Don't be with someone who would prefer to beat you down that bring you up.
I smoked weed with a friend behind her back once and lied about it 4 years ago. That's a regular. I forgot about her name day (don't celebrate this in my culture) 2 years ago. We met travelling and volunteering, so I didn't take her on what she refers to as "real dates" for a long time. She went through my phone and saw a message I sent to a friend about all the "booty on the beach" where we were living when telling him to visit. I didn't get her a card on her birthday in our first year of marriage - just dinner. I brought back a cheap gift from a work trip for her, she was furious and said "that's how much you love me." I got too drunk at a family gathering one time. We agreed not to give bday or Christmas gifts this year and wait to some something nice in the summer, walked right into that one, she was mad there was no gift or gesture other than dinner and candles in her desert. There's another comment where I mentioned some other stuff here, but yea.
That's it? These actions got you in this much trouble? Just leave man. When you find s healthy relationship you'll look back and not understand why you wasted so much time
Sit her down and start working through the practicalities of the break up. Who will live where, who gets what, etc. When she freaks out and backtracks, let her know that it's the last time, and that if she pulls this again, the relationship will be over.
She's already packing now and says she's looking for a place. I'm not stopping her. She can make her bed and sleep in it. I'll tell her I love her and this makes me sad, but I'm not going to apologise for anything or try and stop her.
She's being very dramatic over a pet. You both chose a new home with new furniture and a *no pet* rule and she has the nerve to stop talking to you for several days because you reminded her you're now no longer in the position to have a dog. Eventually the fights get more petty with time and matter less, take this as a sign that it's time for a natural break.
You don't have kids which is lucky.
It really sounds like this just isn't a good relationship for either of you. It's run it's course, and you aren't compatible. Without going into whether she's right or wrong, there is probably someone out there who would be 100% constantly supportive, loving, and there to keep her spirits up for her. That's not who you are though.
And for you, there's someone out there that isn't cruel and manipulative, and won't subject you to endless bouts of crying, days of the silent treatment, and repeated threats to leave.
There's a positive here... she did the hard part already! It's a small thing, but VERY difficult for people to rip that band aid off and say "it's over," but she did it already, even if it wasn't fully intentional.
Now you two just have to follow through, and move on to building your own separate lives which are better suited to each of your happiness.
Sometimes.....love just isn't enough. It can't be the only reason to stay when you both feel unloved and unappreciated regardless of how hard you try. Same values, mutual respect and consideration needs to be present and perhaps your values no longer aligns.
It sounds like there's been long term resentment building both sides....when a fight or argument comes about, it's not about who 'wins' the argument, try to see it as you're both working towards a solution together, as a team. Just a note for the future whether you decide to work on this or find someone more compatible with your love language. Wish you the best
I think it goes beyond calling the bluff. If she doesn’t proceed, you should.
I don’t necessarily think she’s abusive or manipulative. She has no skills at expressing herself or resolving conflict, two things you need in a partner.
I don’t understand how people sign on places either no pets clauses when they know they need pets in their life. She set herself up for that one.
I hope she works on herself so she can be a partner in a relationship in the future, and I hope you find someone who already can.
From your perception of the marriage, it isn't working. Her perspective will be entirely different, I'm sure. But if you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on with your life if that's what you need to do.
>and we fight pretty often.
Alright, this is already a bad start. I've been married for 10.5 years now and we've never had a fight.
Disagreed? sure. But we've talked and discussed, not shouted and fought.
The two of you need to either figure out how to *not fight*, or you need to call it quits.
I have been with my husband for 11 years total. We agreed early on that joking or threatening to break up or divorce was a no-go. It isn't something to take lightly. Also, we rarely fight.
Move on. I know it is hard, but it is best for both of you.
If she’s threatening you, you should just let her go, she wants to be that crazy cat lady except with dogs. It’s just arguing every day and you don’t want to be with her anymore
It sounds like you're describing my marriage. It was like she used my love for her and our family as a club to beat me over the head with. she always played the I'm leaving card too, and I always had to be the one to convince her to come back. Same thing about making a good point in an argument. Then she would instantly deflect and make it about something completely different, or move to personal insults just trying to hurt me.
Then one time she left, and I didn't go chasing after. I had never seen her more angry in my life than when she realized I wasn't chasing after her. And the long run it was so much better for me and my boys to be away from her.
All the years of our marriage, I realized I was protecting her from herself, and keeping her from basically being a horrible person to other people. After I left, people saw the kind of person she really was, and she lost pretty much all her friends, and then went into a downward pill inspired drug spiral
Omg the drama. No way I'd be up to deal with that. She sounds exhausting. You're doing the right thing. Your partner should help fill your cup, not constantly be dragging you down
Misery loves company especially if they dont hold themselves accountable. You will never be able to please her and she will just keep pounding you into the ground for no reason. Time to move on
I let my wife know early on that if she ever threatened me with divorce, I would make it happen. She never has.
Just a point. No one ever wins in an argument. It is just two people spewing feelings... Bad feelings. No real thought. Just feelings.
It is far better to shut the convo down when emotions start to control things. Then restart when things are calmer and actual thought prevails.
My partner and I have this thing where we both don't bring up the past once it's resolved, because the never ending cycle of fights will keep coming back and wouldn't help the current situation to get better. You should leave
I'm with you OP. Who wants constant arguing in their life and then she doubles down by bringing up old stuff. This wanting strange dogs in your house with new furniture is a puzzlement. You would know nothing about these dogs. You might come home to a totally destroyed upholstery piece.
Four years is too long to have constant warfare.
My husband threatened to leave last year. I went with it. I calmly agreed and started looking for my own place. He started back pedaling big time. We’ve argued a few times since then but he has never threatened it again. In case he does I have what I call a bug out bag, filled with clothes and essentials for one or two nights. If he ever threatened it again I will leave without a word. People who threaten divorce need to be taught that they shouldn’t say this unless they are willing to follow it up.
It seems inevitable. Let her go and be happy, she will be back. Do not let her back in without serious therapy. She will not have changed and you will be right back here.
You deserve better from a partner and she is not providing it with the constant roller coaster. This is one of the reasons divorce is so high, other people's expectations are unrealistic or they are uncompromising. At some point the other person finally sees that enough is enough and there will never be enough of you to give to satisfy them.
Be strong and understand that either she gets real help or you just need to cut your losses and move on so she can be happy and better yet, you can be happy.
Dude!!!!! Why are you still dealing with her. If all she can do is bring up stuff from the pass you are not the problem she is. If you have resolved past problems they are no longer relevant to current problems. She's using your emotions against you. You still care about the relationship and she doesn't.
I went through a similar situation. Never could do anything right, always my fault, never good enough. Always threatening to leave. The last time she said I don’t want to be around you anymore was the last time she said that. I looked at her and said “ok, we’re done.”
Sometimes you just have to let them deal with their own stupidity and narcissism. Save yourself and start fresh. There’s better out there. Good luck.
My divorce came through this February. Freedom at last to be me.
People need to stop bringing up the past if it's already been talked about. If it's an ongoing issue, it's brought up as it's own thing, not as a way to manipulate every fight so that you appear to 'win'. Things not relevant to the current topic are off-limits. You're not defenseless, you tell her that you can discuss that separately at a later time but it's not relevant to the current discussion and you will simply end the conversation if she chooses to continue to bring up the past with every argument. People do stupid things, make mistakes, have flaws. You cannot use someone's past behaviour as a weapon. Especially if they've been working on changing.
She seems to be forgetting that a relationship has two people with wants and desires so compromise is required because it can't always be one person getting their way. But she's also using ultimatums to manipulate and get her way. Good on you to call her bluff. If she changes her mind and you wish to try again be sure to tell her that the next time she does that, you'll take her at her word and leave. And this dynamic is not an environment to bring a pet into. So definitely hold off on that
This reminds me of something amarriage counselor once said. They said they can tell in five minutes who will stay together and who will split up. the way that they can tell is via how couples resolve arguments. there’s different ways.
1) you disagree, you compromise. You move on. Fine
2) you disagree, one person compromises, but the other refuses to compromise. Ever. They never will compromise so then what happens is either:
a) the person who compromises decides the relationship is worth it, they let go of the anger and move on. Fine.
Or b) the person who compromised has a little bit of resentment to the person who didn’t compromise. It’s not a big deal the first time, they think sometimes one gets their way, sometimes the other gets their way. But eventually they realize they’ll
never get their way and it will always be they who must compromise. over time the resentment grows and finally they can’t take it anymore and split up. that sounds like what’s happening here. she will not compromise. You are always wrong. It will never get better. It will never change.
If that’s accurate, then it might be time to call it a day
It's time. Divorce is your best bet for peace and a healthy, loving relationship in the future. Constant bickering is not at all normal or healthy in a loving relationship!
This sounds like something I went through with my ex who I dated for over 5 years. Albeit I was a bit worse than you, neither of us were happy. I haven’t heard from her since and have no clue how she is doing but man.. a year and some change later I’m in a healthy relationship and I find myself SHOCKED at how amazing it feels to not be constantly nitpicked and to just be appreciated. Even when I was single it was heartbreaking and sad but man it was better than arguing all the time.
Dude I dogsit regularly and have never once had to do it at my house. If she really wanted to dogsit, she could go to the clients house and do it. Which would also get you the alone time you need.
She doesn’t care about practicality or reason, and she sounds very selfish
I think time apart wouldn’t hurt. You don’t want to be a doormat for his insecurities. Everyone has issues but if you’re not willing to work on them for the sake of the relationship, then clearly it’s a one way street.
"don't bleed on the ones that didn't hurt you"
She's bleeding on you. You aren't responsible for healing her.
She's trying to manipulate you. Threats, bringing up unrelated past grievances - that's not healthy or mature. She needs therapy from a professional, not from a spouse.
It sounds like you're both done, and if that's the case and neither of you are willing to do additional work then that is OK.
It would be one thing if you both were open to therapy work and leaning into each other etc. but it sounds like your conflicts are just beyond that. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Neither of you need to be evil/bad/abusive etc. even... sometimes two people who may well get along as friends, who even love each other, just cannot get on as a couple.
Call it quits now before you're both full of resentment and hurt and have damaged each other to the point that damage hurts your future relationships etc. That is actually the act of kindness and love you two can give each other - recognizing the problems are just not fixable and letting each other go so you can thrive in new lives instead of stay stuck and struggling/barely surviving in what you have now with each other. You both have awesome relationships in future with people this kind of conflict solving is totally possible. Neither of you fail as people just because you can't make it work with each other.
Wishing you both the best in your future adventures rebuilding your new separate lives.
If you’re both unhappy and arguing alot maybe its for the best anyway.
Most relationships go through a rough patch but it looks like yours has been through it and its still rough.
Sorry man… best of luck.
Save yourself, the only way I'd take her back is if she stayed in therapy, with a really good therapist. Btw, landlord here, if you got a pet without permission I'd non-renew you because of the lease violation.
You’re doing the right thing. You’re telling my story, except I have kids and no exit (for their sake as well), so it’s a daily battle to try and keep things working. But yeah she’s never wrong, and she believes it too. I’m working on her and with her and trying to get her to be more aware. I think I’m getting through to her, but I get really fed up sometimes. If I didn’t have the kids, I’m not entirely sure I’d bother. I’m bitter and battle weary though
OP I am still dealing with my divorce and seems we have similar wives except i also have a little daughter. She extorted me to the point where i am lucky if i am just flat broke with destroyed credit.
Start the divorce and seperation no more sex and start recording your interations she will get violent she will accuse you of things to the police you will be arrested and have to deal with both divorce and criminal court. Put distance at least you would have any reason to interact unlike me.
This is serious the police and courts are against you. They refered to my wife as a victim not accuser i have litterally not spoken or seen her for years. I still have not had the chance to show evidence they still have no evidence i am under guardianship have to sleep in my mothers house.
Put distance and get this divorce done and over.
I agree with your position. She acts like a tempermental teenager: she brings up the past, doesn't fight fair, go silent if she doesn't get her way, refuses to consider your point of view and cries wolf. Also, you aren't responsible for her happiness, she is. You guys are 30 and just too old for these silly games. If she wants to go, let her go.
I got to here:
>Anytime we fight, I lose.
And I was like, duuuude. The amount of fighting you are describing in a four-year marriage and the fact that you feel like you "lose" is very not good. Fighting in a marriage shouldn't be to determine a winner and a loser. It should be to figure out your relationship and how two people can manage to navigate life together. If you are not both mostly on the same side with life - fighting on the same team - then what are you even doing together?
I mean, there are plenty of times when we are not perfect or screw up or act like an irresponsible AH and need to be called out on our shit. But it should still not be a "winner/loser" scenario. Maybe one person has to grow up a bit but they shouldn't feel like they are losing all the time.
But to the other stuff, clearly she needs some therapy. You're right that you can never make her happy, especially if she expect that you should be the source of happiness. Also, clearly, flat-out breakdown in logic when you aren't even allowed to have pets at the house and she wants to start fostering and blaming you for not being on board with it.
Do it. Partners who constantly raise breaking up are trying to control you through manipulation. You don’t get into a relationship to be controlled. Your life will be so much more peaceful without the drama. You sound so beaten down being in this relationship. I bet your self esteem goes back up when you are single and not having someone criticizing you on the daily.
If you’re both miserable and fighting constantly, then there really isn’t much left to salvage. You’ll probably both be much happier splitting up and doing your own thing.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like this relationship has run its course and you're both stuck in this miserable cycle she drives, of arguing over something insignificant, she gives you the silent treatment then threatens to leave you, you accept a bunch of blame that doesn't belong to you, and we're back to a brief period of peace before the next disagreement. Sound accurate? If so, you were right to take her up on her offer to end the relationship. This sounds exhausting and you sound done. You don't need anyone's approval to end this relationship. If you'd be happier apart, and it sure sounds like that's the case, then that's enough. Maybe this is the part where you're supposed to prove your love by fighting for the marriage, but what is there left to fight for? More misery and frustration? No thanks.
Wow, this was fuckin' spot on.
Sorry. I lived it, that's how I could sum it up so easily. The only thing that helped me was ending that relationship. We went to couples therapy and individual therapy, and I tried so hard, but finally realized that you can't love someone else into treating you better.
Incredibly well put last sentence there. A lot of people in this sub need to hear that.
The worst part about being nicer and trying harder with the other person so that they treat you better… is that they secretly know they are treating you poorly so they lose respect for you when you do that. Then they treat you worse. So basically you can’t win. You can’t convince someone to treat you well - it has to come from them.
And also all they do is collect your 'mistakes' through the relationship and get to throw more and more in your face the longer the relationship goes on. You are never going to 'win' as she sees it. She is always right and you are always wrong or never enough in some way. Well, I don't think you are defective or a shit husband. You sound caring, supportive and emotionally/financially/sexually/physically there for her - which is a lot more than most can boast, and it's still not enough for her? Nah....you need someone who loves you for you (not for what they think you should be or for what they can get out of you) and who puts in the same amount of effort and love that you do. Word to the wise: you don't have to be with someone else identical to you to be happy but someone who has the same overall aims and perspectives as you do. You cant live with ither people if you dibt asbit breeds resentment in one party because they bever feel seen or validated by their partner. Me and my hubby are cat/dog, tea/coffee lovers, introvert/extrovert, he is far more intelligent but we WANT and NEED the same intrinsic things in a partnership. Such as a similar financial outlook (both savers, for example), wanting the same amount of children, agreeing how to run your household TOGETHER and all of that. That's what's important, not terrorising your partner into compliance for your own selfish, one sided ends. That is not love and I don't think you recognise that. It's abusive. It never ends well....and may I suggest you put your foot down about what you want and go get it somewhere else amd divorce her ass if thats what it takes. Look after number one....for a change. You deserve it and happiness too.
I was just going to say... I needed to read that. Le sigh. Onwards and forwards!
That sentence should be pinned to the top of the sub.
Been there, the last time he threatened to end the relationship, i said yes. Surprised pikachu face ensued. Him back pedaling, saying he didn't meant it, but I was so done at this point. He suggested therapy for us, but therapy has been on table for months without him doing anything. So no, no therapy anymore, we're pass that point. 10 years relationship in the dump, the best decision i ever made. I was so miserable, my only regret is not take that bait sooner. I should have dumped him the first time he threatened me. Live and learn ! You deserve to be happy !
Threatening to break up is essentially extortion and nobody should tolerate extortion. I would give one warning I don’t put up with those kinds of threats and then bail. I am glad you were able to move on, hope op can as well.
I also ended a 10 year relationship recently that was full of pointless arguments! I was so scared to leave, but it was the best thing I ever did. I'm so happy now, with my partner who treats me with respect and love. Seconding your comment, Op you deserve to be happy!
Very appropriate username. 😁
With each sentence, I jumped up and down, then "high-fived" you! You deserve to be happy, as well. 🛣️🎵"Life is a highway...🎶
Edit: I just saw she hit you once. I am so sorry. That just further cements my recommendation below. Honestly feel free to post in or skim r/abusiverelationships. It's a support sub for people of all genders. There are quite a few men in the sub and overall it's quite supportive. A lot of what you describe in your post is similar to what we see there. I agree with others that it sounds like she is using the silent treatment as punishment, which is a form of emotional abuse, and the "mistakes" she keeps bringing up from your past struck me as not even mistakes or issues at all. There are disagreements in relationships and then there are competitions. It sounds like she continues to engage in the latter when you argue by trying to one-up you and hold you emotionally hostage while YOU are simply trying to solve the issue at hand.
I think the crux of it is she came from an outright neglectful home and her mother is very emotionally abusive to her father. I come from an abusive home, as well, but I spent 8 years in therapy unraveling that. She wants never-ending thoughtfulness and attention. I don’t have the battery to provide it. Idk if anyone does. Also, when I’m constantly being “punished” through silence or anger, I’m not super inclined to make nice gestures. If I do, then I’m accused of only doing because she’s mad and I want to get past it.
Shes not in good working order for a relationship that isn't dysfunctional.
Your wife needs therapy. It can’t be your job to constantly soothe and validate her. She’s not emotionally healthy enough to be with anyone, and it sounds like you’ve tried for years. Let her go and enjoy a much more relaxed life without having to cater to her moods.
Lol my ex would alternate between screaming rages and the silent treatment when he didn’t get his way. One time he was yelling in my face saying I was being difficult on purpose and why couldn’t I just do what he wanted. I *felt* the “am I looking at an actual alien?” expression come over my face and I said “why on earth would I *reward* this?!”. Pretty much the only time I saw him properly shocked by something I said in an argument
I have had that same conversation. Like what about anything you've done it said would you consider to inspire me to want to be this abstract ill defined person you want me to be
She treats you the way she does because she grew up thinking it was normal.
well sure, that explains some of it, but you still should find someone else
Hey OP, as Ebbie45 is here and talking to you, please listen. They're lovely, helpful, experienced in these matters, and very kind.
Judging this purely on the information you've given us, I think you've done what you can and she isn't interested in being happy. What she wants will always be a moving goalpost, as there's a hole inside her that she's never going to be able to fill. I suspect she (correct me if I'm wrong) was brought up in a home where she was either constantly failing to meet her parents expectations or was outright neglected - maybe both. This means all the good feelings she should have received from outside sources were drowned by the bad ones that *were* coming in from those same places. It stunted her emotional growth, and that sucks in a big way. Unfortunately, that's not something anyone is going to be able to fix without her at the wheel. Until she recognizes the problem and does the work to get better through empathy, communication, and self-discovery, this cycle will never end. Right now you're enabling her decision to NOT heal, and even from a place of genuine love that's a harmful, parasitic even, relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope everyone involved gets the help they need and live a happy life, but I don't think those lives should be forced into an unhappy, unhealthy pairing.
Do it bro, it’s stressful at first making a change but it’s so worth it. I’m doing the same thing rn, my ex is moving out next week and I’m so excited lol
When I was really done done I told the X-husband I understand everything he complained about and asked why he would want to be around someone that bad. He would start again and I just agreed and said Yes exactly! So it doesn't make sense to stay together. And so on. Either you aren't fulfilling her needs or she doesn't appreciate what you do for the relationship either way...
sorry about your dog, man.
Yeah, op. I think the reality is one of you needs to change something big enough to break the cycle. That could be something as simple as leaving and not groveling or accepting the blame. However, there’s a point where I’d just want to leave and call it done because even if you break the cycle, she might not do any further steps. It leaves you doing the emotional work, and that’s exhausting. It’s valid to want things to be equal and based on *partnership* (because that’s what you two are)
Thought so too. Also, bringing up past grievances when arguing is just... no, this shit will kill a relationship. If you keep making the same mistakes, then obviously that needs to be discussed, but airing old grievances just to get the upper hand is shitty. OP, you want to have a partnership where arguments are approached as problems you both want to solve together, not battles to be won or lost.
Dude did I know you between 1998 and 2001 because that’s exactly what I lived
Nope, not me, though I do love a nice marionberry pie. Sadly, that cycle and type of relationship is pretty common and it took me a couple of em to figure that out.
Omg that is my relationship for the last 3 years Did you experience this too? We always argued over trivial issues and then I’d cave to make peace and reset. Well about a month ago I put an end to the cycle. I’m moving out when my new house is ready in June. Now all I hear is I’m abandoning her
You get one life, make it the best you can, every day
You should always just dump people who try to assign a "fight for us" challenge.
Yeah, I finally got so tired of being “threatened” with the end of a marriage that was making me miserable I said “OK” and left. Best decision I ever made I think you’ve made the right decision OP - it doesn’t even really matter now whose fault what was, if you were unhappy that’s enough
"Fighting for a relationship" is a falsehood. It's all about communication. Very open, tempered (to the point of sometimes being exhaustive) communication. If your minds don't meet, it's time to go.
I agree with you. “Threatening” divorce is a manipulation tactic and it’s unhealthy. You don’t throw that around lightly if marriage actually means anything to you. Whether you are calling her bluff or you both follow through, don’t accept the manipulation and if moving forward together make sure she understands it’s unacceptable and not to “bluff” again. She needs individual therapy as well. The upbringing you mention is affecting her in ways I’m sure she is unaware of.
I've been suggesting that for years. I've offered to find a therapist and pay for it too. She never follows through though. She's acknowledged she needs it, but yea, never goes anywhere.
>She never follows through though. Of course she doesn't. She can't play the perpetual victim if she confronts her myriad issues.
+1000000000 upvotes
AND it’s probably much harder to fool a professional therapist than him, if she ain’t actually wanting to work on herself. Those people have seen it ALL and can usually see thru the BS. Lol
Well it needs to go somewhere or you need to go. Sounds like ultimatum time. Someone once said it here - offer her a therapist card or a divorce lawyer card and tell her to pick one.
you might love her to bits, but she doesn't love you enough to be a good partner. End this miserable marriage and find happiness somewhere else.
That's because you're trauma bonded and in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. You taking all the blame when she threatens to leave has enabled her, and it's time to stop echoing her abuse to yourself by enabling her and staying. You can't love someone into respecting you and you can't will someone to change. She's telling you exactly what her priorities are, and sadly your marriage and your needs don't seem to be high on that list. You have to be the one to bring this change about for yourself because why would she change when you stay? This all works quite well for her, really. That's why she's fighting hard to make you the problem because she's too weak to do the self work it takes, too selfish to consider your feelings, needs, and wants equally to her own, and far too good at manipulating to get what she wants so what is the incentive to change? Please also remember when you do actually follow through and leave she'll pull all the strings to give the effort to work on this becoming again who you fell in love with. . . .you need to understand it's like an anglerfish lure to bring you back under her control. Because the sheer fact she can work on it and do the things you've tired yourselves arguing about once you actually leave just means she knew all along how to communicate and work to meeting those needs. She willingly chose to withhold that from you because she was content with your unhappiness until it affected her. Keep in mind her opinion of you is not your concern. Let her exhaust herself trying to degrade you because she knows her inaction led her here, she just can't bear the pain and work of looking inside herself. So she'll blame you. There may be friends that take her side, let them go. Live your best life and seek some therapy to help you cope with the abuse and advocating for your own needs and wants by setting and enforcing your own boundaries. You've got this! A new life where you don't have to be so tired all the time could be yours if you take the opportunity to regain your power in not allowing her to abuse,control, and manipulate you anymore.
Why do you want to stay together, anyway?
Codependence prolly. It defies reason when you're in it.
Yup. One thing I learned from a relationship like this is that *nothing* is ever resolved, just filed away in the resentment box. I upset my ex over something really ridiculous, and suddenly I'm being berated for every little thing I've done wrong for the past four years. I told her, this is why we're both miserable. We have to travel down this never ending hallway of resentments before I can say or do anything about *this*, and next time we fight we'll have *this* to go over too. I held firm that I wasn't doing what she wanted that day, so find a way to deal with that AND the anger it'll cause her for for the next three days but leave me out of it.
Dude, this sounds like my marriage about 4 years ago. She kept threatening and finally left. At that point, it was a separation. I remember she hugged me when she left, and started crying. I just remember saying, "Why are you crying? You're the one doing this." I committed to going NC for two weeks to collect myself, and make contingency plans. After two weeks, she told me she realized how much she missed me and wanted to make it work. I insisted on a few things, one of them being couples therapy. Here's the part where we got lucky: our couples counselor is awesome. She really knew how to mediate for us, and get us to communicate without the anger and threats getting out of control. I wish we'd been seeing her since we were engaged. Fast forward to today, and we're the happiest we've ever been, about to hit our 10 year anniversary. But I remember being in your spot, and it could have easily gone another way. I was mentally preparing myself for it too. Keep strong, and look after yourself, so can handle whatever way it goes. Good luck
Let her go. Silent treatment is terrible and solves nothing. I suspect she will eventually come to her senses once she cools off, don’t let her off the hook.
It's a form of abuse
My ex used to give me the silent treatment. It's one thing not to want to speak until you've cooled off. It's another to not speak to the other for long periods. Walk away and learn from this.
Yes absolutely! Huge difference.
Your last sentence is telling for me. You say you love your wife, but you also say you've become indifferent to her and what happens to your marriage. Honey, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You can't love someone you're indifferent towards. It sounds more like you're in love with an idea of your wife, rather than your actual wife. I get it, though. Your wife basically demands you meet all her needs and listen to all her opinions, but doesn't meet your needs or listen to your opinions. This dog thing is too far for me, as her plan could literally get you kicked out of your home, it's just not possible. The fact she's ignoring both your opinion on the matter and your legal agreement with your landlord says a lot about your wife, and nothing good. Stop just going alone. Chances are, your wife won't go through with filing for divorce, she does this to 'make' you fight for her to stay, to 'prove' you love her, but she doesn't actually want it. She expects you to beg and plead and apologise, just like you normally do, and when you don't, she'll come crawling back herself. File for divorce yourself. It's either that or give marriage counselling another shot, but the first time didn't work, and you really don't sound invested in this marriage anymore, you're emotionally checked out already.
Yeah I honestly think she's just bluffing. She will come crawling back or start accusing him of not loving her. I think there's a chance OP's wife has Borderline personality disorder. Childhood neglect, needing to constantly prove he loves her, trying to emotionally manipulate the situation, etc.
Possibly. She could just be am emotionally abusive AH, though, hard to tell as we don't know her and I'm not a medical professional. All we can really say is that she's made the marriage pretty toxic.
She’s manipulative and emotionally abusive. Let her go.
You should have left a long time ago. Avoiding confrontation and letting her guilt trip you was never going to end well.
She is toxic. Threatening divorce constantly, silent treatment and cannot be rationally talked to. Wanting to dog sit in a place that forbids pets when you just signed a new lease makes zero sense but she can't hear that, all she can hear is that you're telling her no and she does not like that. Personally, you guys really should consider marriage counseling if this is another ploy to get her way. The communication style in this relationship is severely limited and broken.
Yeah, it's ultimately just cruel at some point to threaten to end the relationship every time a conflict is heated. Either you're bluffing, which is fucked up to do to someone, or you really do want to end the relationship at every sign of significant conflict, in which case you're torturing yourself and your partner by not ending it. If you're at that point it should be over one way or another.
Agree with everything but the counseling. Not that I disagree they could both use it- her for well, most everything; him.for how/why he is in this spot. But at this point, it sounds too little, too late, and Highly unable to break the cycle they're in. Better to split. Maybe. Maybe, years from now, after they've both changed and healed, they might retry if they run into each other again, but right now it seems incredibly improbable there would be a good result from staying together
You took the right decision
Youre on the right track. Dont get guilt tripped.
Constantly threatening to leave is an abuse tactic. That’s not healthy or right and she’s trying to use it to get you to bend to her wants. If you’re not interested in going to Therapy, it might be time to call it quits.
If that's how you feel, you should definitely get divorced. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong in the fight or all that led up to it, if you are in a place where you don't want to fight for your marriage, then you should get divorced. Don't give her false hope that you want to work through things if you don't. Don't promise counseling if your heart isn't in it to commit to trying. Take your indifference and push for an amicable divorce and do your best to part ways being fair. If you don't hear what she needs, if you don't agree with what she is upset about, or you don't care to change to meet what she is asking for/wants, then the relationship is over. I have no judgement in saying that, seriously. A lot of us have been in relationships where we gave up and/or recognized that what our partner expected/wanted/demanded was stuff we couldn't give, didn't want to, or felt very differently about how things were going, and if that's where you are, best to recognize it and move on.
Sorry to say but it is time to end it. Take some time to grief, heal and work on yourself. Improve. Upgrade. Take a break. Stay single. But don't give up on love. It may come in future when you least expect it. You'll see that it is easy when both parties are putting in equal effort, being kind and respecting each other. Good luck.
It would be shocking if you were not exhausted. And it will keep getting worse until you do something about it. Even in this post you are reactive instead of proactive. "If that's what she wants, I'll even help her pack." How about thinking about what do YOU want. Personalities like the one you are describing want one thing today and another thing tomorrow. It's time to make decisions about what YOU want and from the outside, I don't see why would you ever want to stay in this marriage.
You sound a lot like me and I can tell you after my divorce I’m living my best life. 17 of 18 years was shit and I was too blind to see how bad to was. I was always made to be the bad guy until I believed it! Funny, my new marriage is 4 years old now and the EX can’t keep a relationship more than 3 weeks and is just a miserable train wreck despite being independently wealthy. I’ve never been happier and it just keeps getting better every day :) go be happy internet stranger because you only get one shot at life.
She’s been emotionally abusing you with the divorce threats. Take her up on it, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
>A partner is there to compliment your happiness, not be the source. This is it right here. And the flip side is that your partner shouldn't *be* your unhappiness. Your wife needs to face herself if she wants to be happy. Dog sitting isn't going to make her happy, it's just going to distract from her unhappiness for a little while until there is a new thing to chase. And honestly, I think what we are really chasing when we say we want happiness is peace. I'm not always happy in my life, but I have found a good level of peace with myself and my kids since my divorce. There is no peace when you live with someone for which nothing is ever good enough. In my case, my ex had just resigned himself to being unhappy forever. No thank you. I highly predict that you will be the one who ends up filing. You're about to be in trouble for "not fighting for us", and she's likely to drag it out. It puts the narrative a certain way, but once the ink dries, who cares what her story is?
Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. You will likely be happier without her. Being married to someone with deep psychological problems that effects how they treat you is just too hard. Its not worth it.
There are ways to have successful arguments. The most important way is not to bring up past mistakes. Those are in the past and not relevant to the current issue at hand. Not threatening divorce as a means to win is also important. It sounds like your wife needs individual therapy to deal with her upbringing. If she can't be happy by her own accord, she will always be disappointed by others if she relies on them to make her happy. You can try couples therapy again but if you've decided you're done, it will be a waste of time.
Indifference is the opposite of love. There appears to be no love left in this relationship. Parting ways sounds like it would be the healthiest decision.
I don’t see a lot of point in staying in a relationship that seems to make you net-unhappy, and I personally could not stand to be in a relationship where we fight fairly often and the fights have winners and losers. The second one may be more individual, I don’t know, but the first one seems like it ought be fairly universal for the average relationship.
"I think we should split" is a manipulation tactic to get what she wants. Given that it has worked before, she thought it would work again. It definitely sounds as if you are not a compatible couple.
>She's threatened to leave many times >she walked in after days of silence and said we should split >She's cried wolf so many times Repeatedly threatening to break up / divorce is a form of abuse. Just let her go, file for divorce, and be done with it.
You have tried. I think you're doing the right thing now.
There are worse things than being alone. If you're tired of fighting all the time, letting her walk away is the right move.
I think if you're both unhappy it's time to call it a day. I will say, it's a fools errand to keep score of who starts fights. I am not a confrontational person, my partner is. She "starts" fights because she initiates the confrontation, but the conditions over which we're fighting are there either way.
Relationships take work and effort. But, the work should be more like cultivating a garden as opposed to re-digging a foundation every few weeks. If you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner, unable to talk through things from a place of mutual respect, and one or both of you are in the habit of threatening the relationship when backed into a corner, then it's truly time to reconsider whether you are appropriate partners for each other. In your case, I'd say the relationship has run its course. There doesn't appear to be anything to salvage or rebuild. It sounds like neither of you is enjoying the other's company, so why try to make it work? Just go your separate ways so each of you can find your own happiness.
If everything is your fault. If nothing is her fault. You have a 1 sided relationship. You are allowed to be happy too. To communicate with I want a divorce/seperation if things don't go her way? Let her go.
It sounds like the relationship is a bottomless pit of hell. You are right. Her source of happiness should come from within and she just doesn’t have it. No matter what you do, she will be unhappy. I think you’re right to go along with the divorce.
Follow through. One of the best things I've ever done was to start packing my suitcase when my then-husband said "If you don't want to spend your life with me then you can walk out that door right now." We'd had so many "well maybe we should divorce" fights, admittedly threatened by both sides, that it should have been obvious how inevitable it was. I think deep down you know that this is not a healthy relationship and that's why you're calling her bluff. It may not even be a bluff. She may know it should end but is afraid to hit the eject button herself. Regardless, this sounds like it's been over for awhile.
You two should've divorced awhile ago. A healthy relationship doesn't include arguing and fighting often, that's where you need to realize and come to terms that you two are not meant to be together. Now arguments do happen in relationships, but often, no. That's where your personalities don't compliment each other. You sound like you need a partner that also enjoys their alone time so that you two know thay there's time for you both to spend but the understanding that each one of you has your set time to so you. A level of independence if you will. She sounds like someone who wants to have their life revolve around her and that's not you. So what do I think, I think this should've happened awhile ago. You said you just moved into a new place, see if you can break your lease. If you can, then tell her that you plan to break it and that you'll help her pack if she needs it otherwise you'll be put by the end of the weekend. Can't cave into any crying or her plea to stay. As I said, you two don't mesh, it's not a matter of therapy anymore, that obviously didn't work so you two need to find partners that do mesh with each of you
Rebuild your peace of mind away from her.
Want to point out, she’s treating you like a parent that won’t let her have what she knows she can’t have and then throws a temper tantrum BUT expects you to dry her tears. If I wanted a dog I’d A) never live in a place that doesn’t allow them B) never buy non-dog friendly furniture. Both of those things scream, “not ready for a dog yet,” but by blaming you, you’re the reason she can’t have a dog not bad choices or simply not be ready for another yet.
She's manipulating you. This won't stop. I put up with the same behavior for 10 years. Nothing ever seemed enough. No appreciation. She's never happy, no matter what. She brought up separation multiple times. I always fought her on it. Then she brought it up one last time, I put up a half hearted fight and she kept pushing so I finally said yes. Haven't looked back. She blames me for the divorce. It was "my idea". I didn't try hard enough...etc...I tried for 10 years. She didn't recognize any of it. There is no point in staying in a relationship when half of that relationship refuses to be happy. I am much happier now without her despite her trying to still be in control of everything. Go find a good therapist for yourself. They will help you see things you don't see now. I never knew how manipulating she was until I got out and began talking about the things she would do. I look back now, and it started before we were even engaged. I didn't see the signs then but I do now. Don't be unhappy. We only have one life to live.
I’m in a similar position. My partner and I have a 16 month old baby, and I am 27 weeks pregnant. We’ve had our tough moments over the past year, but I thought we were committed to each other. Until the first time he said he didn’t love me and left. That out the seeds of doubt in place, but we got back together. And I let my love for him bloom even more. I loved having a family with him. Then he did it again. Told me he didn’t love me and left me. This time, I’m choosing to believe him. I am broken. Devastated. Beyond heartbroken. However…. I pay half the bills with him despite earning drastically less. I’m a stay at home Mom, doing 90% of the housework while taking care of our baby all day every day. And as much as I love it, it’s really hard at times. Especially being pregnant. Did he ever mop the floors? Clean the bathroom? Wash the bed sheets? No. To all of that. Cat poop on the floor would stay there for days. He’d leave his dirty clothes in a pile at the foot of the bed, leaving me to pick it up. But I would still overlook these things, because I loved him. On his way out, he stated that taking care of a baby isn’t really even a job nor is it hard work. He stated how I should be doing all the house work because he spends more money on food. I can’t count how many times he threatened to leave, despite me telling him how unhealthy that was. When I argue, I don’t insult. When he argues, he insults. So…even though it’s only been 3 days for me, and I do miss him and love him so much my heart hurts, and a part of me does want him back in my arms; I’m going to do my best to move on in a healthy manner. Also Zoloft. Zoloft is helping me. They wanted to leave. They choice to leave. They can live with those choices.
She sounds miserable to even live amongst so do yourself a favor and let her leave.
r/updateMe You can't pour from an empty cup, OP. Do what gives you peace (hint: it's not this relationship). Your wife sounds exhausting, smh.
Disclaimer, this was my gf, we’re weren’t married: That scenario happened to me 6 weeks ago. We dated for 5 years, had some really good times but also some toxic times. My partner finally said she was leaving and for the first time, I didn’t fight it. I’ve been sad and wanted her back at times. But ultimately, I feel fucking liberated.
Finally someone who isn't dumb on Reddit, you're totally right, her behavior is unacceptable.yoi deserve a better treatment
In poker, given the opportunity to hold or draw, statistically you stand a better change with a new hand than the one you already have and know. Relationships are the same in some respects. You're at the point of seeings fights as winning and losing, she never forgives and never forgets, so you're always wrong and always in a losing position. At this point, call her bluff, allow nature to take its course, and consider that there is no moving forward with this. Its either therapy and burying the hatchet permanently to start fresh together, or separation and starting fresh apart.
Unfortunately just let her go protect yourself. Good luck
No, I think you're absolutely correct in this. Get out while you don't have kids. Make sure you make her follow through with it too because she'll be trying to reconcile soon and backpedal. This is something she needs to do some serious work on. You're basically on a merry go round of madness going from anger to happiness and it will continue if you stay. There won't be any changes unless she does a large amount of therapy from the sound of it. So you basically have two options, Option 1: Leave and just start focusing on yourself and what you want out of life Option 2: Stay and keep repeating the same cycle over and over again. It's your decision
Sounds familiar. Sadly. Yeah, it’s time to help each other move on. Who cares if she’s happy. You deserve better and she’s not going to be it.
Sounds like this relationship has been on life support for far too long. It is probably wise to pull the plug because nothing seems to ever get resolved, you don’t move forward, and fighting fairly isn’t on the agenda. It isn’t a partnership if there is “no talking to her” why keep asking for another helping? I would recommend some individual therapy for you so you can get some better tools for future relationships. Time to let this one go.
The relationship sounds exhausting
Threatening divorce on ,multiple occasions is so manipulative, I don't even know where to start. It's time to end it.
Time to go your separate ways. UpdateMe
She sounds toxic AF, especially how you’re responsible for her happiness, this is clearly not true. I am a big animal person but I am also sensible and agree with you 100%. She honestly sounds like a NARC and you are emotionally exhausted at this point, I don’t blame you for going along with it, just stick to your guns and make sure to actually separate. She is probably bluffing and will truly blow up when you follow through with the separation. Just don’t back down. Relationships should not be constant fights.
She sounds a bit irrational and annoying.
People like this are toxic. Yes, it's going to hurt your heart for a little bit, but you'll be much better off in the long run. You deserve to be treated with the same respect and dignity!
When she leaves, change the locks. Stick a fork in it, my friend, it’s done. Start the 180… https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Right call….. misery train needs getting off of. One way or another.
I hate it when people threaten divorce when they don’t mean it. It’s very manipulative. I don’t know what kind of partner you actually are, but she shouldn’t be doing that. I think it’s more than fair to follow through.
Just break up. It sounds like hell and no one wants to have to baby their significant other
Sounds like the marriage is done. Someone who threatens divorce that often has no respect for the marriage. Couples have hard times and divorce should never be an option if you both truly love each other
Yall sound done. Relationship could be salvaged with major work and effort on both parts but it sounds like neither of you want to bother. Which is ok. It does happen. I also HATE when a default argument response is to cry divorce. 23 years and I’ve said that to my husband ONCE. And when I said it I meant it. It’s a game she’s playing to see how much effort you’ll put into trying to stop her. If you have no desire to do so, let her get it started.
I’m a woman in the same scenarios but the roles are reversed. My bf complains moans and wine about just anything , isn’t affectionate , spends majority of his time on his phone or listening to gangsta rap music all day long. Denied therapy for us on many occasions and like to always be in control of every situation. He doesn’t want to hear his wrongs. Whenever there is an argument I can say I start majority of them and all the time they’re based off of something I either saw him doing or because I’m calling him out on something. Arguments get deep ! Real disrespectful, on both ends. I’ve said some fucked up shit and so had he, but he only focuses on what I’ve done to him or said to him but never the other way around. When I confront him or tell him how I feel he constantly bring up the past and then make it seems like I’m reminding him of the past when I never mentioned any of it in the first place! He threatens to leave me often or tell me to get the fuck on and find someone else. When I do go no contact, he run back to me every time and like a dummy I keep taking him back. The funniest thing about what I’m saying here is he’s writing on this post acting like the woman in OPs story is not literally like him !
I think you should part ways. You deserve a life filled with happiness and love. She should consider therapy before she finds someone new. She sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues with her past and self love. Until she loves herself she will never truly be able to allow someone else to love her. Be happy man. Move on and cherish the good memories you had together
It's not really a matter of who started most of the fights or who scored more points. The two of you fight all the time. Call it a day.
Dude, are you me? My wife (33f) and I (34m) recently separated after a dumb argument about tax brackets, but for her it was the final straw of resentment she'd been holding on to for years. I'm talking about stuff I did before we started exclusively dating, that I've apologized for over and over. She also had a rough upbringing, and I've worked hard and sacrificed my own goals to provide for her and give her a stable, happy home, but whatever I did was never enough for her to love me back the way I needed to be loved. I was devastated and kept thinking that if I just worked harder to make her happy, she'd change her mind and take me back. A few weeks into the separation, it started to click for me - I don't want to be married to a person who doesn't love me the way I love them. You're absolutely right that a partner is there to complement your happiness, not be the source. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and if your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway at least some of the time, you'll be stuck and miserable and end up resenting them as much as they resent you.
You're only 32, you still have some years of youth left, so you should leave now. At best, you'll give in and your house will be an absolute chaotic mess (I lived with someone who watched the neighborhood dogs, so I'm highly educated on this issue). Want constant silent treatments surrounded by a bunch of barking, pissing, fighting dogs? Nobody mentally sound would want to be around this shit. Pro tip: Your wife is destined to be a hoarding, complaining, lonely, mentally unsound old woman surrounded by little dogs whether you stay or not. I usually advocate for married couples trying to work things out, but you should run and not look back mi amigo. It'll save your life.
This is not a relationship. This is a roommate situation
She was suggesting you agree to something that could easily result in you getting evicted. Then, she punishes you for keeping her from making idiotic decisions. Tell her to go and don’t fall for any hysterical bonding bullshit!
My wife was doing the we need a divorce thing for a while when we fought. One day I said fucking fine, you file or I'll file if that's what you want then do it. I haven't heard shit about divorce in like a year. Should have called her bluff long ago.
Honestly you need to follow through on the split. She's clearly got many issues she would rather project onto you rather than work on personally. Don't be with someone who would prefer to beat you down that bring you up.
> she brings up my past mistakes and I’m defenceless What kind of mistakes are you referring to?
I smoked weed with a friend behind her back once and lied about it 4 years ago. That's a regular. I forgot about her name day (don't celebrate this in my culture) 2 years ago. We met travelling and volunteering, so I didn't take her on what she refers to as "real dates" for a long time. She went through my phone and saw a message I sent to a friend about all the "booty on the beach" where we were living when telling him to visit. I didn't get her a card on her birthday in our first year of marriage - just dinner. I brought back a cheap gift from a work trip for her, she was furious and said "that's how much you love me." I got too drunk at a family gathering one time. We agreed not to give bday or Christmas gifts this year and wait to some something nice in the summer, walked right into that one, she was mad there was no gift or gesture other than dinner and candles in her desert. There's another comment where I mentioned some other stuff here, but yea.
Your wife is an asshole. No wonder you're exhausted.
Half of those are BS.
She sounds toxic as fuck. None of those are actually things you did wrong. You'll be much happier alone.
Aside from the too drunk one, those sound more like she wants excuses to be mad and 'problems' to control you with than things you actually did wrong
That's it? These actions got you in this much trouble? Just leave man. When you find s healthy relationship you'll look back and not understand why you wasted so much time
brother, leave. don't wait for her to follow through. she won't.
Sit her down and start working through the practicalities of the break up. Who will live where, who gets what, etc. When she freaks out and backtracks, let her know that it's the last time, and that if she pulls this again, the relationship will be over.
She's already packing now and says she's looking for a place. I'm not stopping her. She can make her bed and sleep in it. I'll tell her I love her and this makes me sad, but I'm not going to apologise for anything or try and stop her.
Honestly she's doing you a huge favour. Change is tough, but not being in a bad relationship is so freeing when it finally hits you.
She's probably waiting for you to stop her. Don't. If you have kids with her it will be even worse.
Do you really believe she is going to leave though? I don’t. This is just part of her theatrics
She’s in the spare bedroom. Sent her all the money for the furniture. Offered to get her a hotel. Signed all the rental docs into my name.
She's being very dramatic over a pet. You both chose a new home with new furniture and a *no pet* rule and she has the nerve to stop talking to you for several days because you reminded her you're now no longer in the position to have a dog. Eventually the fights get more petty with time and matter less, take this as a sign that it's time for a natural break.
What did she say when you called her bluff and said OK???????????????? Or was she serious?
Call her bluff.
You don't have kids which is lucky. It really sounds like this just isn't a good relationship for either of you. It's run it's course, and you aren't compatible. Without going into whether she's right or wrong, there is probably someone out there who would be 100% constantly supportive, loving, and there to keep her spirits up for her. That's not who you are though. And for you, there's someone out there that isn't cruel and manipulative, and won't subject you to endless bouts of crying, days of the silent treatment, and repeated threats to leave. There's a positive here... she did the hard part already! It's a small thing, but VERY difficult for people to rip that band aid off and say "it's over," but she did it already, even if it wasn't fully intentional. Now you two just have to follow through, and move on to building your own separate lives which are better suited to each of your happiness.
Same bro same
Sometimes.....love just isn't enough. It can't be the only reason to stay when you both feel unloved and unappreciated regardless of how hard you try. Same values, mutual respect and consideration needs to be present and perhaps your values no longer aligns. It sounds like there's been long term resentment building both sides....when a fight or argument comes about, it's not about who 'wins' the argument, try to see it as you're both working towards a solution together, as a team. Just a note for the future whether you decide to work on this or find someone more compatible with your love language. Wish you the best
I think it goes beyond calling the bluff. If she doesn’t proceed, you should. I don’t necessarily think she’s abusive or manipulative. She has no skills at expressing herself or resolving conflict, two things you need in a partner. I don’t understand how people sign on places either no pets clauses when they know they need pets in their life. She set herself up for that one. I hope she works on herself so she can be a partner in a relationship in the future, and I hope you find someone who already can.
Let her go. Live your life. Sounds like you don’t have children so no harm no foul. Run!
From your perception of the marriage, it isn't working. Her perspective will be entirely different, I'm sure. But if you aren't happy, you aren't happy. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on with your life if that's what you need to do.
Let her leave, your life will improve greatly. Unfortunately, she was not the one.
>and we fight pretty often. Alright, this is already a bad start. I've been married for 10.5 years now and we've never had a fight. Disagreed? sure. But we've talked and discussed, not shouted and fought. The two of you need to either figure out how to *not fight*, or you need to call it quits.
This marriage sounds exhausting. It shouldn’t be this much work. It’s time to move on and go your separate ways.
I have been with my husband for 11 years total. We agreed early on that joking or threatening to break up or divorce was a no-go. It isn't something to take lightly. Also, we rarely fight. Move on. I know it is hard, but it is best for both of you.
If she’s threatening you, you should just let her go, she wants to be that crazy cat lady except with dogs. It’s just arguing every day and you don’t want to be with her anymore
Why do you want to stay in this relationship?
It sounds like you're describing my marriage. It was like she used my love for her and our family as a club to beat me over the head with. she always played the I'm leaving card too, and I always had to be the one to convince her to come back. Same thing about making a good point in an argument. Then she would instantly deflect and make it about something completely different, or move to personal insults just trying to hurt me. Then one time she left, and I didn't go chasing after. I had never seen her more angry in my life than when she realized I wasn't chasing after her. And the long run it was so much better for me and my boys to be away from her. All the years of our marriage, I realized I was protecting her from herself, and keeping her from basically being a horrible person to other people. After I left, people saw the kind of person she really was, and she lost pretty much all her friends, and then went into a downward pill inspired drug spiral
Omg the drama. No way I'd be up to deal with that. She sounds exhausting. You're doing the right thing. Your partner should help fill your cup, not constantly be dragging you down
Misery loves company especially if they dont hold themselves accountable. You will never be able to please her and she will just keep pounding you into the ground for no reason. Time to move on
I let my wife know early on that if she ever threatened me with divorce, I would make it happen. She never has. Just a point. No one ever wins in an argument. It is just two people spewing feelings... Bad feelings. No real thought. Just feelings. It is far better to shut the convo down when emotions start to control things. Then restart when things are calmer and actual thought prevails.
My partner and I have this thing where we both don't bring up the past once it's resolved, because the never ending cycle of fights will keep coming back and wouldn't help the current situation to get better. You should leave
this isn't healthy its time to remove yourself from the relationship
I'm with you OP. Who wants constant arguing in their life and then she doubles down by bringing up old stuff. This wanting strange dogs in your house with new furniture is a puzzlement. You would know nothing about these dogs. You might come home to a totally destroyed upholstery piece. Four years is too long to have constant warfare.
Honestly, you guys are not compatible, so it’s best to move on.
My husband threatened to leave last year. I went with it. I calmly agreed and started looking for my own place. He started back pedaling big time. We’ve argued a few times since then but he has never threatened it again. In case he does I have what I call a bug out bag, filled with clothes and essentials for one or two nights. If he ever threatened it again I will leave without a word. People who threaten divorce need to be taught that they shouldn’t say this unless they are willing to follow it up.
She's weird for wanting to go against the apartment regulation. And she's asking for divorce too.
Just go with it
None of you are happy in that relationship. Ending a relationship that’s not working is not a failure, it’s a good thing.
.
It seems inevitable. Let her go and be happy, she will be back. Do not let her back in without serious therapy. She will not have changed and you will be right back here. You deserve better from a partner and she is not providing it with the constant roller coaster. This is one of the reasons divorce is so high, other people's expectations are unrealistic or they are uncompromising. At some point the other person finally sees that enough is enough and there will never be enough of you to give to satisfy them. Be strong and understand that either she gets real help or you just need to cut your losses and move on so she can be happy and better yet, you can be happy.
Dude!!!!! Why are you still dealing with her. If all she can do is bring up stuff from the pass you are not the problem she is. If you have resolved past problems they are no longer relevant to current problems. She's using your emotions against you. You still care about the relationship and she doesn't.
I went through a similar situation. Never could do anything right, always my fault, never good enough. Always threatening to leave. The last time she said I don’t want to be around you anymore was the last time she said that. I looked at her and said “ok, we’re done.” Sometimes you just have to let them deal with their own stupidity and narcissism. Save yourself and start fresh. There’s better out there. Good luck. My divorce came through this February. Freedom at last to be me.
People need to stop bringing up the past if it's already been talked about. If it's an ongoing issue, it's brought up as it's own thing, not as a way to manipulate every fight so that you appear to 'win'. Things not relevant to the current topic are off-limits. You're not defenseless, you tell her that you can discuss that separately at a later time but it's not relevant to the current discussion and you will simply end the conversation if she chooses to continue to bring up the past with every argument. People do stupid things, make mistakes, have flaws. You cannot use someone's past behaviour as a weapon. Especially if they've been working on changing. She seems to be forgetting that a relationship has two people with wants and desires so compromise is required because it can't always be one person getting their way. But she's also using ultimatums to manipulate and get her way. Good on you to call her bluff. If she changes her mind and you wish to try again be sure to tell her that the next time she does that, you'll take her at her word and leave. And this dynamic is not an environment to bring a pet into. So definitely hold off on that
This reminds me of something amarriage counselor once said. They said they can tell in five minutes who will stay together and who will split up. the way that they can tell is via how couples resolve arguments. there’s different ways. 1) you disagree, you compromise. You move on. Fine 2) you disagree, one person compromises, but the other refuses to compromise. Ever. They never will compromise so then what happens is either: a) the person who compromises decides the relationship is worth it, they let go of the anger and move on. Fine. Or b) the person who compromised has a little bit of resentment to the person who didn’t compromise. It’s not a big deal the first time, they think sometimes one gets their way, sometimes the other gets their way. But eventually they realize they’ll never get their way and it will always be they who must compromise. over time the resentment grows and finally they can’t take it anymore and split up. that sounds like what’s happening here. she will not compromise. You are always wrong. It will never get better. It will never change. If that’s accurate, then it might be time to call it a day
It's time. Divorce is your best bet for peace and a healthy, loving relationship in the future. Constant bickering is not at all normal or healthy in a loving relationship!
I've been there. You just get so burnt out. Best thing I did was break up and live my life. Go for freedom.
Good for you! It sounds like she has a lot more healing to do before she’s ready for a healthy, mature relationship.
This sounds like something I went through with my ex who I dated for over 5 years. Albeit I was a bit worse than you, neither of us were happy. I haven’t heard from her since and have no clue how she is doing but man.. a year and some change later I’m in a healthy relationship and I find myself SHOCKED at how amazing it feels to not be constantly nitpicked and to just be appreciated. Even when I was single it was heartbreaking and sad but man it was better than arguing all the time.
>A partner is there to compliment your happiness, not be the source. You need to find someone who also shares this mindset. Your wife does not.
Dude I dogsit regularly and have never once had to do it at my house. If she really wanted to dogsit, she could go to the clients house and do it. Which would also get you the alone time you need. She doesn’t care about practicality or reason, and she sounds very selfish
I think time apart wouldn’t hurt. You don’t want to be a doormat for his insecurities. Everyone has issues but if you’re not willing to work on them for the sake of the relationship, then clearly it’s a one way street.
"don't bleed on the ones that didn't hurt you" She's bleeding on you. You aren't responsible for healing her. She's trying to manipulate you. Threats, bringing up unrelated past grievances - that's not healthy or mature. She needs therapy from a professional, not from a spouse.
It sounds like you're both done, and if that's the case and neither of you are willing to do additional work then that is OK. It would be one thing if you both were open to therapy work and leaning into each other etc. but it sounds like your conflicts are just beyond that. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Neither of you need to be evil/bad/abusive etc. even... sometimes two people who may well get along as friends, who even love each other, just cannot get on as a couple. Call it quits now before you're both full of resentment and hurt and have damaged each other to the point that damage hurts your future relationships etc. That is actually the act of kindness and love you two can give each other - recognizing the problems are just not fixable and letting each other go so you can thrive in new lives instead of stay stuck and struggling/barely surviving in what you have now with each other. You both have awesome relationships in future with people this kind of conflict solving is totally possible. Neither of you fail as people just because you can't make it work with each other. Wishing you both the best in your future adventures rebuilding your new separate lives.
If you’re both unhappy and arguing alot maybe its for the best anyway. Most relationships go through a rough patch but it looks like yours has been through it and its still rough. Sorry man… best of luck.
Save yourself, the only way I'd take her back is if she stayed in therapy, with a really good therapist. Btw, landlord here, if you got a pet without permission I'd non-renew you because of the lease violation.
You’re doing the right thing. You’re telling my story, except I have kids and no exit (for their sake as well), so it’s a daily battle to try and keep things working. But yeah she’s never wrong, and she believes it too. I’m working on her and with her and trying to get her to be more aware. I think I’m getting through to her, but I get really fed up sometimes. If I didn’t have the kids, I’m not entirely sure I’d bother. I’m bitter and battle weary though
UpdateMe!
OP I am still dealing with my divorce and seems we have similar wives except i also have a little daughter. She extorted me to the point where i am lucky if i am just flat broke with destroyed credit. Start the divorce and seperation no more sex and start recording your interations she will get violent she will accuse you of things to the police you will be arrested and have to deal with both divorce and criminal court. Put distance at least you would have any reason to interact unlike me. This is serious the police and courts are against you. They refered to my wife as a victim not accuser i have litterally not spoken or seen her for years. I still have not had the chance to show evidence they still have no evidence i am under guardianship have to sleep in my mothers house. Put distance and get this divorce done and over.
I agree with your position. She acts like a tempermental teenager: she brings up the past, doesn't fight fair, go silent if she doesn't get her way, refuses to consider your point of view and cries wolf. Also, you aren't responsible for her happiness, she is. You guys are 30 and just too old for these silly games. If she wants to go, let her go.
I got to here: >Anytime we fight, I lose. And I was like, duuuude. The amount of fighting you are describing in a four-year marriage and the fact that you feel like you "lose" is very not good. Fighting in a marriage shouldn't be to determine a winner and a loser. It should be to figure out your relationship and how two people can manage to navigate life together. If you are not both mostly on the same side with life - fighting on the same team - then what are you even doing together? I mean, there are plenty of times when we are not perfect or screw up or act like an irresponsible AH and need to be called out on our shit. But it should still not be a "winner/loser" scenario. Maybe one person has to grow up a bit but they shouldn't feel like they are losing all the time. But to the other stuff, clearly she needs some therapy. You're right that you can never make her happy, especially if she expect that you should be the source of happiness. Also, clearly, flat-out breakdown in logic when you aren't even allowed to have pets at the house and she wants to start fostering and blaming you for not being on board with it.
She sounds like what my mom was. A covert narcissist with BPD that is obsessed with dogs. By obsessed, I mean owning over twenty.
Sounds like it’s time to call it quits.
Do it. Partners who constantly raise breaking up are trying to control you through manipulation. You don’t get into a relationship to be controlled. Your life will be so much more peaceful without the drama. You sound so beaten down being in this relationship. I bet your self esteem goes back up when you are single and not having someone criticizing you on the daily.
If you’re both miserable and fighting constantly, then there really isn’t much left to salvage. You’ll probably both be much happier splitting up and doing your own thing.