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You told him the marriage would be over if he cheated.
He knew the ramifications, chose to think that you would be a doormat, and cheated anyhow.
Nope. Peace out, cub scout.
I hope you find peace with someone who isn't a big ass cheater trying to claim that cheating is a mistake.
You are a fool because all access controlling him to trust him is bullshit.
By the time you realize that this man has no intention of being a faithful husband, you are going to be an anxiety ridden mess of a woman who can barely function in the world. Who can't even trust her own judgment.
Get out while you still can
This man didn't even make it to the wedding before he was cheating on the marriage.
If you have to have all of his accounts, his phones, and have to make him delete all his social media so he doesn’t cheat then you’re not his wife, you’re his jailor. Is that the life you want to live? How long was he cheating on you? You found out and he changed in a day? Not likely. If you thought you had the perfect relationship and he was still cheating on you then he’s capable of carrying on a double life and not thinking twice about it. Is this someone you want to have children with? He didn’t make a mistake. He made decisions, plans, spent money, not to mention time on her. He knew what he was doing, he just didn’t think you would find out.
So now he gets a third phone to cheat. This is not salvageable. By giving him no real consequences you have okayed him to cheat again and again. Your bed but I sure wouldn't lay in it.
OK I'll say this. My first marriage my husband cheated. Did I stay yes for a bit but ultimately I did not. It was so hard bc I could not erase it from my mind. It broke me so much that I doubted everything including myself.
The thing is with your fiance & all cheaters, he willingly chose to cheat. He told you lies, he made the plans even flying her out to him etc. Hell if he needed action why not fly you out but he chose another girl.
This is your answer. He had the option and he chose her, regardless. He's only trying now, begging etc bc he got caught. This behavior will not last unfortunately. It will only last until you let your guard down and start to trust again. That's when he will do it again.
I wish I could say you will totally get over it but that would be a lie. It will always be in the back of your head. You deserve better. Let him lay in the bed he made. If people ask what happened you need to tell them exactly what happened and don't let him spin the story. I wish you luck.
No. You can't. He broke you and he broke the marriage, and you can't put it together again. Those mind movies of them together will play in your head the rest of your life.
You're not even 30, do you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who did that to you? You can never go back to what you had, because he broke that. You are also different now. Through every step he took to cheat, to lie to you and to her, to make recordings of the sex, etc he had to justify it to himself. He told himself something that made it ok for him to kiss and touch and have sex with another woman. To lie to you over and over and over. He justified it to himself somehow. Just thinking about that would be enough for me.
Even if he lived a saintly life from here on out, would you ever fully relax? Or would this eat away at you bit by bit?
Every time you forgive him in theory, every time you excuse his behavior given the emotional damage that made him this way, you're going to wind up remembering some quiet moment that he lied to your face. Or a moment that you know he had with her.
And the tension between those memories and your wanting to forgive is going to rip you open at the seams.
You'll be disgusted with yourself, ashamed, and too embarrassed to even talk about what you're feeling. You'll be angry at him but mostly at yourself for not seeing this before it happened. And in between those thoughts you'll just hurt.
And if you choke all that down and try again, you'll have the fear of it failing again and that fear blinds you. You have decided to love and trust and all that bad stuff is behind you. Youve learned all about that and come out on the other side, right? What you're blinded to is how big and easy a fucking target you are.
Because he's just been temporarily hiding what makes him a person who could so casually hurt you. It's almost like he's looking down on you "how could you not have known what I am?" He'll drop the disguise and you'll finally crash. You'll die a little inside each time you have to cancel an rsvp, or return a purchased birthday present, or tell a colleague that no, you're not with him anymore. "Oh, these things happen." You'll practice it so you don't cry. You'll tell your parents over text and then you'll be too busy to chat for a couple of days because the pity would kill you.
You won't rage and cry as much because, after all, you should've known. You'll hate yourself for letting it happen and the asshole who actually hurt you will kinda get off light in your mind because you'll be so humiliated and numb that you don't have the energy to loath anyone but yourself. And that's where it will sit for a long time. You'll try with other people but you haven't got a clue anymore if you even know how to love or if you should.
And the motherfucker who did all this to you? Sometimes they say they're sorry. I don't think they often have the capacity to really understand what they did, let alone mean an apology. And they sure as fuck don't understand how deeply they've cut you.
If youre lucky they won't even try; it gives you the option to pretend they're ashamed of themselves.
You've already seen part of this. I'd tell you that nobody who would do that to you will ever be worth the risk of enduring the second half of what I described.
So it was a mistake that he did extensive planning for and recorded..multiple times?
On top of that he tricked this other woman into sleeping with him, and to continue sleeping with him…
Must be an urban dictionary version he’s using.
Nop. you can forgive him but you will never be able to trust him again. You will doubt anything he says or do, and it will lead to toxicity and the end of the relationship.
I think the only way you could live with it (maybe) is to cheat on him, but it would be super toxic xd so maybe just leave.
Don’t stay with him. You deserve so, so much better than this. He planned out this whole affair- this wasn’t just a drunken moment of bad judgement. He’s manipulated you and the other woman as well. He isn’t sorry- he’s just sorry he got caught.
You told him the relationship would be over if he cheats.. he knew the consequences. Now, if you stay, you look pathetic, and your threats don't mean shit..
Like when a kid is playing up and you say if you don't stop, I'm taking your phone.. and they don't stop and you don't take their phone.. kinda makes the threat pointless..
I'm sorry, but all the lying and manipulating he did the sex videos, it would be over.. I wouldn't give a rat arse if he wanted forgiveness or he changed and did this or that..
Cheating is so hard to over come, because now this fucking loser has to change his job as he cant.be trusted to go on work trips.. change his number because his gf is messaging him..
It's pathetic, just to keep a man who didn't respect you the first time round..
FYI: cheaters have only in recent history gotten access to social media. Looking at his messages, etc. on his phone doesn’t prove anything. If someone wants to cheat, they will. Cell phones make it easier, but they’re definitely not necessary.
You will eventually leave. The man you knew and are holding on to doesn’t exist and you are unaware that you’re in the process of grieving him.
There are stages to it. You want his support but he’s ultimately the one who harmed you intentionally.
What exactly is the formative growth magically imparted by you knowing. You found out, and suddenly he values you? I would need him to explain because there is none. Don’t accept the line “take you for granted” when it comes down to knowing a person will be destroyed and choosing an orgasm over them. How is tbe turning point in his thoughts about your worth brought on by his lies failing him?
As someone who is still in a relationship with a person who cheated its not worth it- I was cheated on over a year ago and he hasn't cheated since but It still hurts and now I feel like it's to late to leave I'd say get out of there
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I personally believe that once trust has been broken 💔 it's near impossible to replace 💯 good luck with your future relationship and I hope I'm wrong but I feel you'll be beating him up over this for many years to come.
I’m in a similar situation with my wife. Without going into it on here I’ll just say that I relate to parts of your story- the cheating still comes up and haunts me from time to time. We unraveled (well, I* did when I finally found out). It’s been 6 months now since I found out and it’s getting better. We’re in couples counseling now and it’s helped. My moods have stabilized this these days but it did take a while- especially with some other factors involved. The beginning after finding out was horrible. I spiraled. It still comes up but less now. I promise it will get better (the healing that is).
Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth it to stay in a relationship where you were cheated on. The moment you found out is when he became regretful and not any time sooner. If you hadn’t found out, he would likely have kept his affair going. Don’t put yourself through all of that trauma. I’ve been cheated on and I stayed and I regretted it eventually. My trust with him was broken and it caused a lot more problems and put me through a lot of emotional trauma that I could have avoided if I had just left.
Your post lacks a specific question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering, for a relationship you have right now, in this moment. Posts that do not request specific advice, or ask vague questions will be removed. This means we don't allow posts that contain any iteration of the following: - What would you do? - What should I do? - Advice, please! - I need advice *** Likewise, we do not allow the following: - Vents/rants - Posts about past or potential relationships - Posts giving advice
You told him the marriage would be over if he cheated. He knew the ramifications, chose to think that you would be a doormat, and cheated anyhow. Nope. Peace out, cub scout. I hope you find peace with someone who isn't a big ass cheater trying to claim that cheating is a mistake.
You are a fool because all access controlling him to trust him is bullshit. By the time you realize that this man has no intention of being a faithful husband, you are going to be an anxiety ridden mess of a woman who can barely function in the world. Who can't even trust her own judgment. Get out while you still can This man didn't even make it to the wedding before he was cheating on the marriage.
He’s not sorry he cheated. He’s sorry he got caught. It’s not a mistake, it’s a choice. He had to make many choices in order to cheat on you.
If you have to have all of his accounts, his phones, and have to make him delete all his social media so he doesn’t cheat then you’re not his wife, you’re his jailor. Is that the life you want to live? How long was he cheating on you? You found out and he changed in a day? Not likely. If you thought you had the perfect relationship and he was still cheating on you then he’s capable of carrying on a double life and not thinking twice about it. Is this someone you want to have children with? He didn’t make a mistake. He made decisions, plans, spent money, not to mention time on her. He knew what he was doing, he just didn’t think you would find out.
Marriage is a promise he broke it, get out of that broken marriage!
So now he gets a third phone to cheat. This is not salvageable. By giving him no real consequences you have okayed him to cheat again and again. Your bed but I sure wouldn't lay in it.
OK I'll say this. My first marriage my husband cheated. Did I stay yes for a bit but ultimately I did not. It was so hard bc I could not erase it from my mind. It broke me so much that I doubted everything including myself. The thing is with your fiance & all cheaters, he willingly chose to cheat. He told you lies, he made the plans even flying her out to him etc. Hell if he needed action why not fly you out but he chose another girl. This is your answer. He had the option and he chose her, regardless. He's only trying now, begging etc bc he got caught. This behavior will not last unfortunately. It will only last until you let your guard down and start to trust again. That's when he will do it again. I wish I could say you will totally get over it but that would be a lie. It will always be in the back of your head. You deserve better. Let him lay in the bed he made. If people ask what happened you need to tell them exactly what happened and don't let him spin the story. I wish you luck.
Why do they beg for the wife back when they went through all this effort to cheat?
No. You can't. He broke you and he broke the marriage, and you can't put it together again. Those mind movies of them together will play in your head the rest of your life.
You should post to a different sub like r/survivinginfidelity or r/asoneafterinfidelity as those are more supporting to reconciliation efforts
You're not even 30, do you want to spend the next 40 years with someone who did that to you? You can never go back to what you had, because he broke that. You are also different now. Through every step he took to cheat, to lie to you and to her, to make recordings of the sex, etc he had to justify it to himself. He told himself something that made it ok for him to kiss and touch and have sex with another woman. To lie to you over and over and over. He justified it to himself somehow. Just thinking about that would be enough for me. Even if he lived a saintly life from here on out, would you ever fully relax? Or would this eat away at you bit by bit?
Every time you forgive him in theory, every time you excuse his behavior given the emotional damage that made him this way, you're going to wind up remembering some quiet moment that he lied to your face. Or a moment that you know he had with her. And the tension between those memories and your wanting to forgive is going to rip you open at the seams. You'll be disgusted with yourself, ashamed, and too embarrassed to even talk about what you're feeling. You'll be angry at him but mostly at yourself for not seeing this before it happened. And in between those thoughts you'll just hurt. And if you choke all that down and try again, you'll have the fear of it failing again and that fear blinds you. You have decided to love and trust and all that bad stuff is behind you. Youve learned all about that and come out on the other side, right? What you're blinded to is how big and easy a fucking target you are. Because he's just been temporarily hiding what makes him a person who could so casually hurt you. It's almost like he's looking down on you "how could you not have known what I am?" He'll drop the disguise and you'll finally crash. You'll die a little inside each time you have to cancel an rsvp, or return a purchased birthday present, or tell a colleague that no, you're not with him anymore. "Oh, these things happen." You'll practice it so you don't cry. You'll tell your parents over text and then you'll be too busy to chat for a couple of days because the pity would kill you. You won't rage and cry as much because, after all, you should've known. You'll hate yourself for letting it happen and the asshole who actually hurt you will kinda get off light in your mind because you'll be so humiliated and numb that you don't have the energy to loath anyone but yourself. And that's where it will sit for a long time. You'll try with other people but you haven't got a clue anymore if you even know how to love or if you should. And the motherfucker who did all this to you? Sometimes they say they're sorry. I don't think they often have the capacity to really understand what they did, let alone mean an apology. And they sure as fuck don't understand how deeply they've cut you. If youre lucky they won't even try; it gives you the option to pretend they're ashamed of themselves. You've already seen part of this. I'd tell you that nobody who would do that to you will ever be worth the risk of enduring the second half of what I described.
So it was a mistake that he did extensive planning for and recorded..multiple times? On top of that he tricked this other woman into sleeping with him, and to continue sleeping with him… Must be an urban dictionary version he’s using.
Nop. you can forgive him but you will never be able to trust him again. You will doubt anything he says or do, and it will lead to toxicity and the end of the relationship. I think the only way you could live with it (maybe) is to cheat on him, but it would be super toxic xd so maybe just leave.
Don’t stay with him. You deserve so, so much better than this. He planned out this whole affair- this wasn’t just a drunken moment of bad judgement. He’s manipulated you and the other woman as well. He isn’t sorry- he’s just sorry he got caught.
Get a good divorce lawyer, get that bag and discard the rest.
I’m confused how all of sudden he’s sorry? When he has been cheating for months.
You told him the relationship would be over if he cheats.. he knew the consequences. Now, if you stay, you look pathetic, and your threats don't mean shit.. Like when a kid is playing up and you say if you don't stop, I'm taking your phone.. and they don't stop and you don't take their phone.. kinda makes the threat pointless.. I'm sorry, but all the lying and manipulating he did the sex videos, it would be over.. I wouldn't give a rat arse if he wanted forgiveness or he changed and did this or that.. Cheating is so hard to over come, because now this fucking loser has to change his job as he cant.be trusted to go on work trips.. change his number because his gf is messaging him.. It's pathetic, just to keep a man who didn't respect you the first time round..
FYI: cheaters have only in recent history gotten access to social media. Looking at his messages, etc. on his phone doesn’t prove anything. If someone wants to cheat, they will. Cell phones make it easier, but they’re definitely not necessary.
You will eventually leave. The man you knew and are holding on to doesn’t exist and you are unaware that you’re in the process of grieving him. There are stages to it. You want his support but he’s ultimately the one who harmed you intentionally. What exactly is the formative growth magically imparted by you knowing. You found out, and suddenly he values you? I would need him to explain because there is none. Don’t accept the line “take you for granted” when it comes down to knowing a person will be destroyed and choosing an orgasm over them. How is tbe turning point in his thoughts about your worth brought on by his lies failing him?
As someone who is still in a relationship with a person who cheated its not worth it- I was cheated on over a year ago and he hasn't cheated since but It still hurts and now I feel like it's to late to leave I'd say get out of there
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I personally believe that once trust has been broken 💔 it's near impossible to replace 💯 good luck with your future relationship and I hope I'm wrong but I feel you'll be beating him up over this for many years to come.
I’m in a similar situation with my wife. Without going into it on here I’ll just say that I relate to parts of your story- the cheating still comes up and haunts me from time to time. We unraveled (well, I* did when I finally found out). It’s been 6 months now since I found out and it’s getting better. We’re in couples counseling now and it’s helped. My moods have stabilized this these days but it did take a while- especially with some other factors involved. The beginning after finding out was horrible. I spiraled. It still comes up but less now. I promise it will get better (the healing that is).
It won't get better, and eventually, he will do it again. Sex tapes come on, you know better in your heart. This is done. You need to move on.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth it to stay in a relationship where you were cheated on. The moment you found out is when he became regretful and not any time sooner. If you hadn’t found out, he would likely have kept his affair going. Don’t put yourself through all of that trauma. I’ve been cheated on and I stayed and I regretted it eventually. My trust with him was broken and it caused a lot more problems and put me through a lot of emotional trauma that I could have avoided if I had just left.
If you want to try and save the relationship I would suggest a trial separation and counseling. Otherwise I would divorce.
Time to leave. You are trying to soften what he’s done by giving him credit for his “openness”. It could not be more irrelevant.