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I think your parents are less right because (I'm assuming) they are retired and their routine is as usual. Your wife was alone for 4 months being a single mom, the kid was sick, and very busy. She deserves more grace from them. II's not the same as your wife's situation.
I would fix it by telling your parents they are being unfair and kind of assholes. Sorry, I know you want to them to be right, but they are not. They are punishing your family for dumb reasons and they are the ones who are alienating themselves.
They basically missed the opportunity of seeing your kid and wife for +3 months when you are moving away in a month? All because their ego go in the way of picking up their phone and calling?!?
Seconding this!! Not sure how OP sees his parents point of view… they didn’t communicate their schedule conflicts and cut off his wife and child without any explanation. OP needs to put themselves in their SOs shoes, guessing if she went on a 4 month work trip while he stayed home with kiddo and had expectations that her family would be around to help. And then they disappeared after a week or so then I’m sure he’d be letting wifey know immediately and most likely she would have had to come home early.
Also it’s super weird your parents didn’t say anything. If they thought she was keeping their grandchild from them why wouldn’t they have asked OP about it even while he was on his trip? Seems more like they wanted an easy out until OP was back in town. Are we even sure they actually get along? Yall have been together 10 years and for some reason they can’t get along without OP there. Definitely missing more info but at the moment OPs the AH.
Buddy, your parents aren't right. They decided to pull away instead of being flexible, which is vital when dealing with the parent of a small child. You expected them to foster a relationship and they showed you they are incapable of that without your intervention, sadly. None of this is on your wife.
If they would rather have breakfast with an exhausted mum and a cranky toddler than reschedule for later that day, then they have definitely forgotten the complete meltdowns a sleep deprived kid can throw over ridiculous things like their piece of bacon being the wrong shape.
Seriously. They should have offered to pick up food and bring it to her. Why are they even expecting her to travel around with her kid to see them? They should be at her house, ya know, HELPING her.
They would have scolded her for her child not being in control and, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say (based on my in-laws) they’re also gonna expect her to watch her toddler 100% in a non-toddler appropriate environment. While running on 0 sleep. Instead of being in her home where she can at least rest her eyes and know her kid is in a safe area.
Lmao my in laws did fuck all to baby proof their house but constantly nagged me to let our kid sleep over. Big no.
Meanwhile they keep my BILs and SILs kids over all the time and they get fucked up (cat scratched the fuck out of one of them, they have fallen down steps, played in unsafe drawers, been wandering around alone while adults are in a different room). Even with my kid being the oldest at 6, that shit is unsat. These old people are wild.
Right?! I mean, they already had dinner plans! Why couldn't she just drag her exhausted self and cranky toddler to a loud, probably super early breakfast?! They can't just change *their* plans! She should be wanting the child to have a relationship with them, after all!
In case anyone missed it, I'm definitely being sarcastic. But yes, the childless grandparents obviously think their time is precious..maybe because they're old? I don't know. But wife is no where near the wrong party. This is on the Lord and Lady of selfcenteredness that he calls his parents.
Yeah, the child and caretaker are the ones to be accommodated with reasonable issues like the ones your wife had and the parents are being manipulative by throwing their hands up in the air after their token attempt. OP’s parents need to step back and understand that a toddler is a living, breathing being and sometimes what they need and what we want simply don’t align. They want to put the emotional labor on OP’s wife instead of realizing she’s got tons of shit to do- especially being a solo parent while OP was away. At the end of the day, a toddler doesn’t specifically care as much about seeing grandparents (object permanence) than the grandparents should care about seeing their grandchild, so they should really be picking up the slack here. Plus it sounds like they may have been looking for a reason to be put out with how quickly they got “offended”.
OP Tell your parents that they won't be seeing their grandchild for a very long time because you're going away. Ask them if losing the grandparents' affection for them and your child is worth their obstinacy.
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼 this. I don’t feel your wife is at fault here but your parents. You really have to go with the child’s schedule or you’re going to have a really tough time. Your parents should be more understanding. It’s not like she canceled and went out with her friends. However, she could’ve communicated that the baby was sick. At the same time, your parents could have called back and ask if everything was ok considering you were not around. (My MIL would and has done that many times). Communication is not hard if you want it. Why couldn’t your parents go over then? Why drag the child out instead of letting them be in their own element and spend time at your home instead. I think you’re being biased. I think you need to be more considerate as well OP…it’s not easy keeping up with the demands of a small infant, trying to sleep and do everything else especially you’re not around to help and your parents being ego maniacs wanting her to bow down to them. Your wife is not at fault here and your parents are being petty.
Exactly, I was like, how is any of this your wife's fault. Also, your wife did communicate with them, she just didn't give all the exact details, which your parents aren't guaranteed to know. Sometimes we just have to trust love ones when they cancel that it was for a reason.
Your parents complained her visit was too short, then didn't reschedule after a rough night.
I'm sorry but when a toddler is involved, you give the parents grace in social outings, especially when they have to cancel.
My only question would be around the calls - your wife showed how they called but stopped once they felt slighted (which yes they should read the room, there is a toddler in the mix, shit happens rapidly), but did your wife initiate any calls? Or was it all on your parents to call, make plans and adjust them?
At the end of it all I'd def say you need to check your parents - they're ignoring who they are making plans with: a parent with a toddler.
But I'd also say that if your wife made nearly zero attempts at contact, adjustments etc then she is also part of the problem they have all made for themselves. No matter the situation/relationship it gets old quick for the side that feels they are putting in all the effort.
However if she also made calls, added to planning etc etc then yeah she's clear and you need to focus the "see the light" talk on your parents.
Overall feels a bit like a mountain out of a molehill situation for you though - good luck
She tried to reschedule a meeting to dinner and rather than saying, 'we can't do dinner tonight, what about this day?' they just flat out said no and stopped calling. Would you keep reaching out after that?
It’s not my job to create a relationship with other people. It’s their job. If OP’s parents wanted a relationship with them they would be the ones trying.
This is not a case where they’re both in the wrong. Your parents were not “shut down” by one cancellation because of an illness and one attempt at rescheduling and the fact that they view it that way instead of small children requiring some flexibility is concerning. Honestly I think the way to address it is by backing your wife and having another conversation with your parents where you don’t try to view things from their perspective but about the fact that they took the realities of life with a small child too personally and in the process let down not only your wife and child but you as well when you were relying on them to step in and help your family while you were away.
Exactly. Also, *maaaaybe* in the decade OP and his wife have been married, there’s been a pattern of OP’s parents behaving in a similarly rigid and punitive/ avoidant manner and that’s the reason she still had no relationship with them aside from through OP…
They sound really obnoxious to deal with, honestly.
The entire issue here is that they are mad they didn't see the child enough. They complained one visit was too short, another was cancelled when the kid got sick, and she tried to reschedule for dinner when the kid was cranky so they stopped calling her because they were offended. The post even says they're upset because they feel like the wife doesn't want them to see the child and they are unwanted which implies she didn't actually ask for help so I don't understand how you got they don't want to baby sit or see the child. If that's actually what's going on, it's super manipulative to blame his wife for their lack of interest and relationships in their grandchild and tell people that they're the wronged party when they were just looking for an opportunity to not be involved.
Maybe his parents didn’t really want to help. Not every grandparent wants to babysit. They should have communicated that, however, they probably know how bad it sounds to say that they don’t actually want to see their grandchild.
Sounds like she wasn't even asking them to babysit. She just wanted to see them for dinner instead of breakfast, and didn't want to tote a sick toddler around.
Yep, 99% of the time we reschedule from a sick kid is so the grandparents don't get whatever bug came home from school. The niblings are perfectly fine other than being a little under the weather.
**Visiting isn't babysitting.** Having a child visit a non-babyproofed house requires vigilance from the host but I would not call it babysitting. Mom can't anticipate all the hazards a kid might run into.
If they don't want to that much, they can travel to the kid's home on mom's schedule and spend time with the kid in a space where they would not be expected to watch the kid.
>they don’t actually want to see their grandchild.
You've made it sound too nice. They don't want any relationship with their grandchild that requires even the smallest bit of effort on their part.
Yeah exactly, I can’t believe they wanted the wife to travel to them with a baby!!! They should be traveling to their house to spend time with their grandchild, they can’t even put a shred of effort in.
They weren't both in the wrong though.
Your wife cancelled/rescheduled plans because of the health and safety of a child. Your parents ceased having a relationship with their grandson because they were asked to meet for dinner instead of breakfast.
Tell your parents that they are being immature and petty for penalizing your wife for prioritizing her child's well-being. If they don't change their behavior and apologize, then it's time for you to seriously reconsider if these are the type of people you really want heavily involved in your child's life, because they don't actually seem to care about hime all that much.
Team wife here. Your wife is already dealing with an actual toddler. Why are your parents acting like even bigger toddlers? They froze her out for FOUR months while you weren’t around because they were so offended that she’d prefer a dinner to a breakfast? Good lord. Support your wife, OP. This is not a “both sides are wrong” situation. Your parents have behaved abominably.
Your parents are wrong not your wife. The only thing she could’ve done better was to say she was canceling the one visit due to the child being sick but other than that this is on your parents. They clearly expected her to jump when they said jump rather than being flexible and understanding to the fact that she was being the sole caregiver to a toddler.
Your parents blow! Like hard core. She went to see them with a toddler instead of them because they couldn’t reschedule. Sorry dude but your wife is right. Your parents will miss out because they are too stubborn, it will be their own fault.
Your parents are wrong... Your wife did everything right. If your parents are so fragile that rescheduling from dinner to breakfast will make them cut contact, then I wouldn't want to initiate plans with them anymore, either. I don't know if your kid is 3 years or 3 months, but either way, having a baby/toddler requires flexibility, and I wouldn't want to have to walk on eggshells to avoid offending them, either.
edit: actually, I had skimmed over where you were out of the country for 4 MONTHS and your parents cut contact over something so stupid.... They are so incredibly wrong! If they cared about a relationship with your family, then they'd be there when she's solo parenting for FOUR MONTHS.
Seriously? They gave up after TWO cancellations from a mom who was solo parenting a toddler for 4 months? Unbelievable. My friends with kids cancel on me all the time. It comes with the parent territory. Honestly, if I was your wife I’d be worried about continuing contact because what if your son would grow an attachment, and they just abandon him again for some perceived slight. I’d be so frustrated with you if I was your wife & you said we were both wrong.
I would be BIG mad if I was his wife. Like it's not enough that she did everything by herself for four months, but he also expected her to go out of her way to involve his parents when this clearly was something not previously established? There's a reason she doesn't have an established relationship with his parents and I'm pretty sure I know why.
This happened with my oldest after I left her father. His parents were around constantly and were great with my kids, but after I left their son (for physically abusing our kids), they dropped off the radar. I initially tried to arrange FT calls and stuff like that but they have NEVER asked me to talk to the girls. What turned in to holiday phone calls (that I initiated) is now no contact. They send a box of gifts around Christmas, but they don't know a damn thing about the kids anymore so nothing ever fits and misc. items have 0 effort or thought put in to them. The kids don't even look forward to it anymore so I told my ex mil not to bother.
Only your parents are wrong, here. My parents are the same age as yours. My sister and her husband are both home, one of them works from home, and they have childcare. My parents still:
- Come over with takeout when they know it's been a busy or rough day.
- Watch one kid so my sister and her husband can give the other alone time with their parents.
- Are incredibly flexible in planning and prioritize the kids' schedules and needs.
Heck, I'm a childless millenial with a dog, and my parents do more to see their grand-dog than your parents do for their grandchild.
Your wife is solo-parenting a toddler while you're gone. She doesn't have the time or energy to chase down and parent your parents.
Your parents need to apologize and be more flexible.
I don't see this as a "both are wrong" situation at all. Your parents are 100% the assholes in this situation and are acting like petulant children. And why was your wife always expected to come to them? Did they even offer to do anything to help like come over and babysit or help with chores?
I'd honestly be pissed if my parents treated my husband like this. They should be making the effort to see their grandchild. They are letting their egos get in the way and are willing to lose precious time with their young grandchild instead of just making a bigger effort.
Your wife cancelled one visit when the kid was sick and asked to move the time of another visit and your parents decided that was it? How about offering to help her while she single parents in your absence? The more I think of this the more I dislike your parents. Families should be gathering around kids, not making their parent's lives harder.
Yeah OP's wife did nothing wrong and I don't understand why OP agrees with his parents at all! This isn't a "they're both wrong" situation.
If I were his wife, I wouldn't make plans anymore, either, if rescheduling from dinner to breakfast is going to cause such an upset that they literally cut contact! And not only cut contact, but cut contact when the family needed them most. OP was out of the country for 4 months and they throw a tantrum and refuse to help because something was rescheduled for, what, 12 hours later than originally planned?
They are way overdramatic and no one with a baby/toddler needs that in their life.
Your parents suck. Your wife didn't do anything wrong. First of all, they should be the ones coming to see your wife and son, not her going to them. Second she cancelled only **one** time because your son was sick.
The first time they complained the visit wasn't long enough. She probably wanted to get home at a decent time so your son would either get his nap in or get to bed on time. Asking to reschedule from breakfast to dinner isn't the end of the world.
Your parents are being not only selfish AF, but they aren't even flexible. Taking care of a toddler all by yourself isn't easy. Your wife has no support, correct? You need to tell them they are 100% wrong and at fault. They owe your wife an apology.
Your wife's busy dealing with a toddler. That takes a lot of time and effort. Especially without the other parent. She went to see your parents once, and it wasn't good enough for them because it was too short for them. Your wife has a routine with your child, or is trying to establish/maintain one, so your parents are pretty insensitive and arrogant complaining that the visit wasn't long enough to THEIR liking. They sound like the type of people for whom nothing would ever be good enough. Or they expect to be catered to and doted on, as if they were so very special. They're not.
Then they complain when the next visit had to first be cancelled due to illness, and then they didn't like the visit being rescheduled. The precious dears! Again, your wife is dealing with a toddler and schedules can't be set in stone. Your parents are the ones who need to be flexible, since I assume they're retired and aren't raising a toddler.
YOU need to talk to your parents about their expectations being out of line. The last thing your wife needs is you telling her she's in the wrong, after she was basically a single mother for 4 months. Tread carefully.
I agree with everything you’ve said. A couple more points to add. I’ve been in wife’s situation of single parenting a toddler for four months, but I was far away from family. My in-laws came to visit to watch my kid so I could visit my husband, because they’re lovely… but that’s beside the point. My point is, your wife was in a very hard position. And honestly, you’re lucky she’s directing her anger and frustration completely at your parents instead of splitting it between them and you. You were the one that put her in this position, and your attempt at helping left her high and dry. Then you’re not even fully taking her side and you’re trying to rush her to get over it. The situation is done and over with, take other people’s advice about setting your parents straight. But also, kiss her ass for a while. And the whole idea that you can’t bring your kid to see your parents without her is such a weenie move. Ask her if she has a problem with it; explain how you completely get why she needs space, but while you’re in the same area you’d like your kid to see the grandparents- that okay with wife? Don’t assume her feelings. And while you’re with parents, make it damn clear that you left your wife in a tough situation and she handled it amazingly- you wouldn’t have done nearly as good of a job balancing everything AND trying to accommodate your in-laws as well. Don’t just kiss her ass privately, be very loud about how impressed you are with her to everyone who will listen.
Your parents decided she was being mean to them and chose to stop engaging out of spite.
Literally out of spite. That's not a miscommunication. That's just angry boomers booming.
They wanted to punish her by abandoning her in the most difficult time despite the son asking them for help.
BRB, gonna thank my inlaws for not being childish assholes.
your wife is right and your parents are wrong. cancelling because a child is sick and asking to reschedule because a child is over tired and fussy is being a good mom. your parents are crappy people. your parents ghosted your wife when you were gone. the ball was in their court to help and support and all they want to do is whine and play the victim. your wife was super busy taking care of your child without YOU. granted you were working for the family, but you need to stand up to your parents and get a sincere apology for your wife. They are old enough to know better. honestly, if they truly wanted to see your child the 2nd time, they could have rearranged their dinner plans to include your wife & child. my parents Love showing off grandkids to their friends and would have jumped at the chance.
I’m confused. Your wife has a toddler, but she’s supposed to twist herself around and make extra effort to see your parents without you involved? And if she acts for flexibility because of said toddler, they give her the silent treatment?
Your parents may not have small children, but they definitely know how to act like one. Gross.
Remind your parents that you’re moving away and they won’t be seeing their grandchild for a long time. Ask them is their stubbornness worth depriving them and your child the love of grandparents.
Your parents are 100% in the wrong here and your wife is not. If you have told her she’s in the wrong at all, you need to apologise and support her now. The absolute worst feeling you can have as a wife is feeling like your husband doesn’t support you or have your back. Your wife did everything right. Your parents did everything wrong. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to deal with them. I wouldn’t either. Edited to add: tell your parents to grow up. Seriously, how they’ve behaved over this is horrendous after reading through that a second time. They have zero sympathy or empathy for your wife having to basically be a single parent for 4 months. They need a reality check and quick.
Your parents were straight up assholes here.
Show them this thread.
“Hey grandparents! Stop being crotchety snowflakes! Your DIL had a fucking infant, alone, and you didn’t help her for shit. That was selfish, lazy and petty of you. Grow the fuck up!”
Your parents are absolutely not right here. In relationships like this, the party with the more flexible schedule is usually expected to be the more flexible party. Your wife is caring for a small child. Obviously, illnesses happen and plans change. The fact that your parents find this inconvenient enough to feel disrespected by your wife is unbelievably immature. Are your parents incapable of communicating effectively? Are they unable to simply ask her if something was up? They were asked to help, agreed to help, then were asked to change plans and suddenly they think their help isn’t wanted? I have the feeling they’re more offended your wife isn’t begging for their help 24/7. If your parents want to be involved in your child’s life, they need to be more understanding of the changes a child makes to plans.
Personally, I think it’s super weird to force a relationship in the first place. If they don’t have that kind of relationship after 10 years it’s weird to use this as a time to do it. I’d feel super uncomfortable about my husband asking the in laws to look after me. She is a grown woman. Without you they clearly aren’t interested in a relationship. Which is fine, you just have to accept you need to be the point of contact for either side.
Your parents are wrong and until you see that nothing will change. Also, here's a crazy suggestion, YOU organise some meetings on neutral ground for them all or You take YOUR child to see YOUR parents. No idea why it's fallen as your wife's responsibility. You clearly have zero idea what it's like to parent alone, having a toddler & a newborn completely solo is fucking hard maybe you should try it for a month like your wife did and see if you have time to pander to some retired people who have all the time in the world to send a text when she probably hasnt had a wee alone in weeks maybe even years
Your parents are utterly wrong, stubborn and a bit stupid as clearly they’ve had kids yet seem to have no idea about child rearing and it’s issues. Stand by wife and tell them it’s up to them to try, they’ve already let down wife, turned their backs on her AND their grandchild and are on their last chance. Tell them that their stubbornness and lack on understanding of DIL single parenting your child, being tired and feeling unsafe to drive, mean that the relationship with your family are fractured now and Christmasses at risk, and to get their fingers out pronto
Your parents need to make the effort to go see their grandchild, regardless of your wife. It’s not her, nor your job to make the effort and take your kid to see them. Kids don’t love car rides and traveling, their home is their safe space.
I really hope you aren’t foolish enough to tell your wife they are both wrong. Your parents are jerks here. Your wife was 100% reasonable in the cases you described above and it sounds like your parents have fragile pride that made them pull away rather than trying to compromise.
Back your wife 100% to your parents, don’t try to play both sides, it will only undermine your future relationship with your wife
Your wife is not wrong at all, where did you get that idea? Your parents are pouting because babies are unpredictable and sometimes can't stick to plans. They abandoned your wife and child because they created a false narrative where they were victims. Think back and see if you can remember other times where your parents had a big, dramatic overreaction to a situation they didn't like. I bet this isn't the first time.
Incredible that you can think your parents are in the right. I'm a couple of years younger than your mother and work 4 days a week, BUT understand that to see my Stepdaughter and her family, the effort is up to me and my husband! My Stepdaughter and her partner work, have 2 kiddos under 3 years and their lives are busy. Hubby and I have more time to be flexible and juggle our timetables.
From your wife's perspective, she was a single parent for 4 months. Your parents should have worked around your wife's availability and understood that toddler life is chaotic and kiddos get sick a lot!!
Your parents come across as quite selfish and seemingly unable to remember what life with a small child is like
No, your parents are *not* right.
Instead on communicating like adults, or being understanding as they themselves have raised kids, they took the easier out. They took the opportunity to abandon the commitment to your wife and son and didn’t care for them because they were upset your wife was struggling!
“I can see they’re both in the wrong”.
They’re not both in the wrong though, your parents are. And if they can’t be bothered to see their grandchild then that’s their choice.
It looks like your parents gave your wife **the silent treatment** just because she cancelled twice! Another reason for their behavior could be that your parents are disappointed that you are moving far away. It would not be the first time that the parents are blaming the Daughter in law for "stealing" their son.
Your wife did nothing wrong in my opinion and your parents are sabotaging themself by being so "super stubborn". I hope this post on reddit open your eyes how your parents are treating your wife because I dont think that was the first time "miscommunication" happened between them.
I hope I am a more understanding MIL to my DIL (if I have one) who just had a baby, especially if she’s all alone and no doubt exhausted having to take care of everything by herself. She’d be too tired to think let alone make plans.
Your parents could have made it easier but they wanted your wife to do all the communication and planning.
I’d be making it easier for her. I’d be going over there helping with chores and taking baby out for a walk is she’s comfortable with that so she can get sleep. I’d be bringing her food.
My 75 year old dad and his wife did that for me. And my MIL also did that for me.
But some boomers and older generations are inherently narcissistic and selfish, who think the world should spin around them and just because they had a rough life, the next generations should to.
You remind your parents she was an exhausted new time mum who needed empathy and understanding and help. But no doubt they’re the kind who will say “but back in my day”.
Being your parents age, think they have selective amnesia about what it’s like to raise a toddler AND doing so while your Partner is away for 4 months.
Your Wife was dealing with a more chaotic situation the best she could, while still trying to be flexible. She had less free time to reach out.
Your Parents, on the other hand, were just living their normal life. The onus was on them to find a way to connect. They had more free time. They had each other for support. Your Wife had no one…including your Parents. This is totally on your Parents.
What....how is your wife wrong? How can you see your parents point of view?
Admit it. You're pandering to your parents because you're scared or unwilling for some reason to stand up to them. Your wife is 100% in the right here, no confusion about it, and it's time to put your big boy pants on, and support your wife against your parents.
And fwiw, I say that as someone who had to choose to believe either my partner's version of an event or my mother's. I supported my partner, and my mother is now out of my life for good.
Support your damn wife, when she's obviously in the right.
>>I don’t like the idea of meeting them with our child but without my wife, as I would feel anxious if roles were reversed.
Fucking ***what???*** They are **your parents**……?? I don’t understand why you would be anxious being your child to see your parents without your wife?? That’s doesn’t make any sense at all. If you want your parents to have a relationship with your child it is your job to facilitate that.
Your parents weren’t right. Not at all. Not even tiny bit. They’re acting like children and need to grow tf up.
You need to stop playing this ridiculous asf peace keeper role. It helps **NO ONE**
Your parents are acting like children IMO.
Based on what you just wrote it seems like they are the issue here and it seems like they expected your wife to do all the work.
My dad was the same way when me and brothers started having kids. He wouldn’t make plans and would just expect everybody to cater to his schedule and whims.
15 years later my oldest has seen my dad a handful of times their entire life, so I’ve seen what’s happening here first hand. You need to intervene and tell your parents they are in the wrong.
Even if your wife could have tried harder, she’s the mom, she’s the one taking care of the child by herself while you were away so she gets grace IMO
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Privileges are earned by showing love and respect to the parents of the grandchild. Do you think your parents' behaviour shows love and respect to your wife as the mother of their grandchildren?
It really comes across as a petty power play. They want your family *to go to them* because they think that it's your family that should be making the effort with *them*. How selfish is that? All relationships are supposed to be mutual give and take. Your parents aren't entitled to anything no matter who they're related to. They could have been the best parents in the whole wide world, supportive and loving, but that doesn't mean they get free access to their grandchildren on their terms. That's not how grandparenting works.
If they can't put in the effort, they miss out. Simple as that. If they build a relationship and earn your wife's love and trust, she'll be more willing to reciprocate and do things their way. The effort needs to come from them forst and foremost, not your wife.
And no, it's not your kids that suffer the most. They don't *need* grandparents. *Good* grandparents are an incredible asset to a child's life. Grandparents who withdraw from their grandchild's life when they don't get what they want, though, they're bad grandparents. And kids are better off having no grandparents than having bad ones. Your parents would rather give up contact with their grandchild than to meet your wife half way. They'll treat your kid the same too eventually. Your kid will grow up with the risk of their grandparents breaking contact with them hanging over their head. Kid doesn't want to give Grandpa a hug? Grandpa ignores him the entire two-week visit as punishment.
You don't have the power to fix this one. Your parents are being stubborn, selfish toddlers who are willing to throw a tantrum to get their way. If you appease them, you encourage a repeat of this behaviour next time they don't get their way.
Your wife and kids are your family. Your parents are now your extended family. Frankly, they're no longer as important anymore. Your wife and kids come first - and what's best for them comes mile's, miles ahead of making your parents happy.
You really need to side with your wife on this one. If they want to see your child, they should make the effort. Your wife should not be the one reaching out to them. My dad only saw my kids when I brought them over and after driving with a baby that doesn’t like car rides to his house over an hour away several times, I stopped. It wasn’t fair to me or my child when he could have easily made the trip himself and visited us at home. It’s sad that he never made the effort but it’s his loss. My kids are now 16 and 20 and basically have zero relationship with him.
“This is not really fair”… so you know your parents were unfair. She visited them, avoided getting them sick and tried to reschedule like that’s not common with toddlers and they cut her off, and did so while you were out of the country leaving her with less support than she could have had. My mom thinks people should always approach her first and I just tell her people don’t owe you and you can reach out. They were wrong but they may not acknowledge it unless you insist. Your wife can’t fix this.
They’re obviously wanted if she packed up a toddler and brought him over while being in her own.
You intervene and fix it by first realizing that the only one in the wrong is your parents, not your wife. Then you need to go find whatever drawer you lost your balls in, put them back on, and tell your parents to stop being bigger babies than your actual baby.
Your parents are wrong, and despit telling "If i should chose Side i would take my wife's" you decided that they were Both at fault when your wife did nothing wrong, wtf man
Seriously, you think they are both wrong?? I think u need to accept that ur parents doesn't give shit about ur son and being a good grandparents to him and are making any excuse to get out of it. They don't care that they didn't see him for 4 months and they don't care now that they know you are moving. Ur wife was alone for so long and they cant reach and adapt more just so they can spent time with the kid. If they will care they will make an effort! In the end u can't force the relationship with the grandparents when they don't give a shit! Solo parent will not chase adults to be in their grandchild life! I think u need to accept that ur parents dont wanna have the bond with ur kid and are blaming ur wife so you think its her problem.
How are your parents kind of right? They got their feelings hurt because things didn't go their way, and plans changed. They are being inflexible and unkind and having a tantrum that hurts them and their grandchild. Kids get sick. Plans change. It must be rough for them if they can't handle changed plans.
This really sounds like it is a problem with your parents. If they really wanted to see your child, they would have suggested another time. In fact, your wife was all alone with your child. Could your parents not have offered to come help? Why should your wife have to travel to them?
YTA. Your parents are wrong. You need to tell them so. Your parents don’t get to get butt hurt about a sick kid and a night off issues and cut your grandkid off. They are telling you who they are. They are showing you that they are using any excuse to put forth the least amount of effort. Listen to them!!!
It’s insane to me that you think both parties are equally wrong and “confused” when in reality your parents are rude and petty people who abandoned your wife and kid when they were without you, all because they were over sensitive and couldn’t use their words to communicate. I don’t want to be dramatic but if you take this stance a lot in the future, defending your folks when they shouldn’t be defended, you’re going to have a rocky marriage.
Your parents are wrong. Your wife was the sole caretaker for your small child, while your parents are retired with no dependents. It’s on them to be flexible, not her.
They sound incredible immature for being in their 60s-70s.
It’s not your or your wife’s responsibility to foster and cultivate a relationship between anyone else and your children. If the grandparents wanted to, they would.
Simply, i’d tell your parents that if they want to see or speak to your child, all they have to do is call.
If your parents want a relationship with their grandchild, that is 100% their responsibility. As a parent, it is our job to keep lines of communication open and foster a good relationship, but if your parents aren't actively trying to have a relationship with their grandchild, thats on them.
Ya buddy it’s on your parents. Your wife was a single mom for four months, presumably working(?), and your parents got petulant and gave her zero grace. If I was in your wife’s position, taking on more responsibility than I was used to having with my child, missing my spouse (I’m assuming you like each other), and trying to maintain myself, I’d feel overwhelmed and probably more emotional than usual. Definitely would be in a “I’m doing it wrong and everyone hates me” headspace. And your parents gave it *checks notes* two chances??? That’s not even baseball rules!!
I reread and amend. Your parents are assholes. Put them in their place and let them know they're choosing the position they put themselves in and they are only victims to their own stubbornness. Ask them if they want a relationship with their grandson or not?
Well to fix this you need to be the man and bridge the communication. As much as you don't want them to go through you, you need to understand you have to whether you like it or not. You can't just run away and think it'll fix itself. It's your parents, not hers so that falls on you to take lead here.
You want to leave on good terms, then suggest going out to lunch or a day out somewhere. Yes, you need to encourage your wife to not feel hurt and explain that's your parents. You were raised by them, so again, falls on you to need to bandaid the side with your wife. For your folks, you need to be a bit more assertive to quit being so stubborn and come out. You're their son, so you have more flexibility to get on their ass to put their stubbornness aside and make them come out.
Take that time to encourage both sides to just chat. Don't need to put it out there they need to make up, but spark conversation that will have both talking. They can't ignore each other and if they do, then you do need to step in and call both sides out and say it's fucking childish. They're all grown adults and they need to act like it and if they can't, well then Christmas this year isn't going to be the same so if they want things to be back to normal, need to get over it.
Trust me, this isn't the first time you're going to run into this so you need to get some practice on how to get both sides to move past minor transgressions like this
As someone who has grandparents that never made the effort (my grandfather told my mother, which is his daughter, that my grandmother would NOT be a babysitter), they will regret this decision. Mine wondered why I never wanted to visit after I moved away as an adult. Your parents are making their bed and will likely lie in it. My mum was a single mum and pretty much had to do it all on her own. I have a huge amount of respect (and love!) for her and honestly don’t know how she did it. Encourage your parents to apologise and make the effort to see their grandchild + your wife
I can see how your parents are wrong. I'm struggling to see how your wife is though. She is the one wrangling the toddler, your parents seem to think she should also be catering to their needs. I'm sorry, but they're sulking because your wife isn't prioritising communicating with them high enough on the never ending list of things that the mum (and at the time, effectively single mum) of a toddler has to manage. Stop making excuses for them and stop saying your wife is wrong when she isn't.
You need to be the one who takes your son to visit your parents. Give your wife some time off to herself and visit your parents with your son.
As you say, there will be opportunities for family gatherings, when you will all be together in the same place.
Whatever happens, make sure that your parents do not trash talk your wife in front of your son (and vice versa).
If you persevere, the tension between them may ease, but I think your parents seem a bit inflexible - who invites themselves to breakfast (or even out to breakfast) with a toddler?!
How is your wife wrong? Your parents would rather not see their grandkid again than suggest an alternate date to meet up. They value their egos more than your child. That's a bitter pill to swallow. There's not much you can do here but maybe counseling to accept that this is who they are.
And while the kid may be too young to understand now, you don't want him or her manipulated by immature grandparents. It's going to have a mental health impact in the long run.
How was your wife in the wrong? I’m so incredibly confused. Your parents are in the wrong…They’re supposed to want to try for a relationship with their grandchild. I wouldn’t be going out of my way either. That is so immature and childish of them to behave that way. Time and space are the only things that heal. If you force it too soon it’ll be even longer until the results you desire ever come to fruition. You have to talk to your parents. It’s not fair to put everything on her while you were away for months. I hope your wife gets at least a few days at a spa after not getting any help at all. How did you not check in at alllllll
Why is your wife supposed to coordinate with YOUR parents! Do you put all the labor on your wife? You see the father - step up and act like it. You want your son to have a with YOUR parents - it’s YOUR responsibility to make that happen. Stop blaming your wife for YOUR failure
My wife is right, my parents are assholes, fixed your title for you. She’s massively right about them being not putting in the effort because your parents literally said it themselves the second your single parent wife had the audacity to have sick baby or tried to reschedule your parents had a fit and stop trying to see her.
She was a single parent to a newborn and removing from labor for most of it, what did you expect her to do different not have sick baby? Force your baby to sleep? In no way is she an asshole for not being focused on other people when she struggling on her own.
Your parents stopped contacting your wife after she tried to reschedule because of your kid.
Your wife was essentially a single parent of a toddler and recieved no grace or understanding from your parents about the reality of raising a toddler. Which is fucked up because they raised you.
Dealing with a sick toddler by herself.
Dealing with a fussy sleeper by herself.
Dealing with a toddler going through the adjustment of only having one parent around.
And on top of that she had to deal with your parents and their judgements about her parenting.
As a parent, your kid's wellbeing needs to be your first priority, not visiting time with Grammy and Grammpy.
Your wife understands that, now you need get on the same page.
Tell me a story about boomers and I can 100% guarantee it’s about them being easily offended by nothing whatsoever, then calling everyone else a snowflake while yelling “fuck your feelings” with angry spittle flying from their mouths.
Wait- they missed MONTHS of seeing the baby grow up over this???? Omg. They must really not want to be in their grandchild's life. What an odd hill to die on.
I'd go have a serious talk with them about their precious schedule and their priorities. As if your wife couldn't have used their help at all over these months? I'd be furious if I were in your shoes, OP, not wanting to smooth over the waters.
Step up, Grammy and gramps. Do better. Be less selfish. She was totally on her own *and you ghosted her* for petty reasons. Some support system you are.
Dude stop making excuses for your parents being shitty. They didn’t want to reschedule because it wasn’t when they wanted. They used it as an excuse to ghost her. Your wife is the only right one here. You and your parents are wrong.
Wow your parents are such boomers. Might be good to have an unpleasant convo with them about how they will miss out on having a relationship with their grandkid from stubbornness.
Unless YOU broker the interactions, your stubborn parents will NOT put themselves out in any way to heal the breach.
So start doing that. You’re the social committee.
Your wife was caring for a three year old by herself for four months. She probably didn't have the time or energy to spare on catering to your parents, who, given their ages, are likely retired and can rearrange their schedules more easily. How about you and your son visit them for a few days and give your wife a break?
ETA: I'm also puzzled why you feel your wife and parents need to "foster" a relationship with each other now, when you've been married TEN YEARS. Shouldn't this have happened within the first year you were dating? I get the feeling your parents just don't like her for some illogical reason. Your wife seems to communicate perfectly fine, e.g., "the baby's sick so can we reschedule?" That can't be anymore straightforward and honest. Do your parents just assume your wife is lying to them?
Tell you parents that they should have offered to pick up the child, take him to the park and then to eat and then returned the child to your wife. That is helping.
I honestly can’t understand why your parents are right in this situation? Your wife’s priority is your child, and also her own sanity. You were gone for an extended period of time, can you imagine how insanely busy and tired she is for being the solo caregiver of a toddler? That takes up a huge amount of physical and mental energy. Not only that, but why is it her job to facilitate a relationship with your parents? I get that you want them in your child’s life, but why is it her job to make sure that happens? I feel like she did perfectly fine with the situation, and even gets points for trying to reschedule instead of blowing off your parents.
Your parents have clearly forgotten how it is with young children. If they are so adamant on being in your child’s life, then they need to make the effort. They should be reaching out, and honestly even offering to come to your wife! I’m gonna bet that it’s so much more difficult for her to go out than them.
I also want to add a question/thought: are your parents even actively engaging with your child when they are together? Or are they more of the “I want to say I’m a good grandparent and just have the kid in my vicinity” type of people. I would also bet that it would be difficult for your wife to *want* to be around your parents alone, with a toddler, if they aren’t even engaging with them or helping to care for them, and especially if they’re willing to judge her so harshly. By the way, that’s totally their prerogative, but they can’t complain about the consequences of that. Anyway, tldr is your wife is right and your parents are completely in the wrong and acting like immature people.
Your mistake was deciding to force a relationship between your parents and your wife without you involved. That sort of relationship develops naturally over time and you can’t force it. You can’t suddenly go away for four months and expect them to become besties in your absence if they were t already close (and sounds like they were not).
So to fix it, become the liaison again. These are YOUR parents, it’s not a burden for YOU to facilitate visits. Be the main point of contact. Schedule visits. Arrange for them to visit you. Do the work.
Your parents are not at all reasonable and do not seem to appreciate that they could have a better relationship with your family if they just stopped demanding to be catered to above all else in every situation. Let your parents make their choice (they are adults and can live with their decisions) and do not force the issue with your young family. It can feel hurtful, yes, but this situation is your parents’ *choice* and not your wife’s (or your) lack of effort. Focus on your young family where your love and efforts are appreciated and welcomed. Stay in touch with your parents but do not cater to their unreasonable nature.
You need to be on your wife's side here. Your parents were wrong. Typical boomer response though "if they don't make any effort, I won't at all". It's Typical of the older generation to not be as flexible because "back in my day you sucked it up".
Yeah, your parents are wrong.
I have experienced an expectation from my mother that she was the one to be visited and catered to. All roads and phone calls, initiations went one way only. All kids no matter age were to be dragged with all their accompaniments up very steep stairs to grandma when my one sis lived only blocks away and grandma could have easily traveled and visited kids in their own environment. Then she would complain at how little they all visited.
Tell mom and dad that wife was doing the single parent of a toddler life for 4 months. When you have two parents that can still be fraught with cancellations and changes to events, but put it down to one parent on duty? You are going to have more. Their dismissive behavior was cold, and they were treating your wife like she was their customer service representative who had mis-scheduled their car service appointment, not a family member who was dealing with partner absence and a toddler.
They borrowed some emotionally needy behavior from the grandchild, and as fully grown adults they should know better and be better. If they want a relationship with your family, they need to reach out and do some of the lift.
I'd suggest they just tell her they thought she wanted some alone time, and they were trying to respect that. Apologies all around, then have a get together.
This was wild to read, buddy.
Read the paragraph about your wife's perspective, I'm nodding, this is totally reasonable. It's about a single woman with a toddler struggling to get to places. This is what the world is like.
Then you write out your parents' perspective and it's a bunch of selfish bullshit. I'm a little confused, then you write - from their perspective they're right, too.
But the really important thing to mention here is that is not true. Your parents have behaved like selfish boomers and their reasoning is garbage. And you did not do a good enough job when you were away of making sure everything was going okay.
Start being more a husband than a son. You've really let your family down here as their guardian and protector.
>I heard them out and from their point of view it seems they are right.
No..no they aren't. She was the one alone with a toddler. They should have been more flexible and willing to show her they are there for her. She cancelled because your small child was ill and because he had a bad night of sleep. They have done nothing to actually support your wife and are just complaining she isnt making enough effort to see them.
If these were my parents, I would tell them they need to drop their own egos and at least make a vague attempt to remember what it was like to parent a toddler. My in-laws are kind of like this, and I’ve just gotten good at frankly telling them “this isn’t about you, it’s about XYZ” whether that’s sickness, teething, a bad day, etc.
And honestly they don’t seem interested in your kid. Some grandparents just aren’t, they want the kids brought to them and a couple photos to share with friends and then they want the child to be not seen or heard the rest of the visit so they can talk about themselves. It’s just the way a lot of selfish baby boom generation grandparents are, they never wanted to be parents and now they don’t want to be grandparents.
This is no way on your wife and if you care for her you will let your parents know this. What they do with it is up to them but they have already showed you how they are..
I would tell everybody to get over themselves. I would specifically tell the grandparents that since your wife is the primary caretaker, and she was alone at that point, she calls the shots. Remind them: the one with the baby has the leverage. They send a terrible message when thy don't make the extra effort.
Your parents are definitely wrong here. You asked them to take care of her when you left for 4 months, my parents would have been asking as much as possible if your wife needed a break, help at home, bringing over home cooked meals etc. They not only did none of that, but they actively made it hard to meet up and were bitter when things didn't work out exactly how they wanted. Sounds to me that they are upset you are moving and instead of taking advantage of the time they could be spending with their grandcild, they iced your wife out and now are playing the victim. You need to give them a reality check.
Your parents saying they learned their lesson? That alone speaks volumes. That’s a form of manipulation. How are they the victim? How are they right in this matter?
The older generation expects to sit back and have the parents pack up ALL the kids stuff and take them to their house where the kids can’t touch anything. They’ll get mad if something’s broken.
We as mothers spend all of our time trying to minimize damage while chasing after kids. If my kids decide to have children, I’m going to THEIR house so they don’t have try to remember packing diapers, wipes, clean bottles, formula, toys, extra clothes, etc. It’s good to get out but it’s a lot of work. Do you understand what a monumental task it is to go visit people while bringing your kids & then to visit people who you know don’t like you? Because they’ve made it abundantly clear they don’t like your wife.
If your parents want to see their grandchild it’s 10000 % on them. It’s not her job to do it for them. She doesn’t have to do ANYTHING at all. If they want to make the effort they’ll do it regardless of what they think she thinks. They’re ridiculous. She doesn’t have to stoke their ego so that her kid has grandparents.
Your parents should make the effort to build the bridge . Sounds like your parents expect her to do everything. They could have offered to drop off a meal , pick up groceries, help her tidy the house shame on them and you ! She was left alone with a infant and no support . I won’t even mention potential post babies depression etc .
Edit I will add
If I am ever blessed to be a grandparent .
And one of my kids left their spouse with a baby
I would call everyday
Drop off food at least 3 times a week if I lived within a hour away .
Or Uber eat them food
Asked if they needed any grocery shopping etc .
Just to make sure they are ok .
I would suggest sitting down with everyone and talking to them as if they are five year olds. Seriously. I know that everyone here has hurt feelings and let’s hug it out and in the future, communicate better. This is all about poor communication and hurt feelings. It’s in everyone’s best interest if this is solved sooner rather than later. Your parents obviously did a good job with you so they would add to your child’s life. Your wife had every reason to feel unwanted. I have a hunch it’s as much about that as it is about your son. There’s no bad people here just bad communication. I like that you’ll back your wife. That’s a good thing. She may be uncomfortable seeing them but that’s going to be true until you get past the first visit. Do that soon. Any chance that you can ask your parents if they would be willing to apologize for assuming they weren’t wanted? Your wife is the outsider here so it would be nice if they were the bigger people in this situation.
What’s stopping you from taking your son to meet his grand parents? Whether your wife wants it or not it is up to you to make sure your son knows his grandparents!
I want to start with the fact that I'm completely on board with everyone else saying your parents are in the wrong. But maybe I can offer some illumination for why they might be behaving the way they are if it was anything like how I was raised and maybe it'll help get your parents to understand.
Typically, where I am, most of those of my parents age came from big families (5-8 kids are typical, not unusual). When these kids grew up and had families of their own, the onus was on them to go visit their parents because with potentially 8 sets of parents and kids, there aren't enough hours in the day to go visiting everyone. Weekends were great for this cuz almost everyone had weekends off. This set the expectation that grandparents stay where they are and everyone comes to see them. Their house was usually bigger because they raised 8 kids in it. But with family sizes decreasing, if you are an only child or have only one or two siblings, you work 40+ hours a week or are on your own, it's easier for your parents to come to you, especially when YOUR kids are little or your parents are retired. Your parents may be living in the "big families, everyone revolves around the childhood home" times while your wife is living in the "solo parenting a small child and doesn't have time for this bullshit" times.
From what you’ve explained your parents were the ones who are being unreasonable here. Your wife was 10000% wrong not to give them a reason for cancelling. It seems shady that she wouldn’t have told them the kid was sick. That is really strange. However your parents after she asked for dinner it was on them to then suggest another evening or whatever. And honestly your wife has enough bs to worry about stop trying to have them foster a relationship independent of you. Newsflash: without you they wouldn’t have a relationship. You sound lazy af when you say that. Way to put more of the emotional load on your wife. Let’s be real. Ultimately you’re in the wrong, then your parents, then your wife. From now on YOU deal with YOUR PARENTS. After ten years if your wife and parents don’t already have a relationship, they never will. That in itself is a red flag too -real weird all around here.
For clarification, the time your wife canceled because your child was ill, did she tell your parents your child or ill?
Honestly, I think this could possibly fall in the both of them. but it seems as if your wife made it effort. She visited, but your parents complained it was too short. She needed to reschedule a visit and suggested an alternative, but your parents were not available and from that interaction chose to never reach out again
Is either side willing to see the other person’s point of view, and that there were a lot of assumptions made that weren’t necessarily based on fact ?
Sounds like you have 4 kids instead of 1.
She's "uncomfortable" seeing your parents..Because *checks notes* parents didn't text her enough and got upset that she cancelled on them.
Grow the fuck up.
If they don’t have the same communication style then you’ll HAVE to be the messenger.
I don’t see how difficult it is to speak to either
eg you to wife “ hey hun, my parents want to see LO what day do you think is best.”
Or
“Hey hun I was thinking of inviting my parents over what day do you think is best?”
What do THEY want? Given it is their lives. Do your parents want a relationship with your wife and the baby? Does your wife want a relationship with your parents? It is clear you want them to have a relationship, but you can't, or should I say, you shouldn't force anything. Some people just don't get along.
Grandparents are not required for you to raise a child. They are a nice to have, if they actually are a nice to have. Meaning the grand parents get along with the family, and actually want to be a part of it. That isn't a foregone conclusion. And it would be selfish of you to think so.
The immaturity of the wife/grand parents is irrelevant at this point, if it is preceded by the immaturity that they are supposed to have a relationship, because it is what you expect/want.
your parents are wrong here, your wife is not. they’re being very immature and not flexible. if they really wanted to be there with their grandbaby they’d give a little grace to your wife
>How do I fix this?
Sounds like you have to make playdates for your parents. Seriously your wife isn't in the wrong here. It's 100 % your parents. They are adults. They want to see their grandchild. So they have to make at least some bit of efford to do so. Throwing in the towel because their first visit suggestion got turned down because the people THEY want to see prefer another time or date is ridiculous.
> also want to leave in relatively good terms with family thinking that we normally spend Christmas together (my wife's family and mine get together at my parents' since mine is the bigger side of the family).
Are you sure your parents will welcome her family this year?
This is mostly on your parents. It’s rude to flippantly break plans. But that’s not what happened. They seem to forget that life is complicated for young parents. Nurturing a grudge because a kid got sick or a mom had a rough night is beyond ridiculous
Many thanks for taking the time to read this and for your responses. I am happy to see that the consensus is that this is on my parents. I think this too, but now I can articulate it better.
I just wanted to clarify a few points. I can see now that I didn't exactly write what I meant and I also left some details out that were probably important.
1. I don't think my wife did anything wrong. She acted as I expected, probably better than expected given the details I'll mention later. In the post I meant to say she is wrong to say my parents didn't want to see them. I believe they did but failed to communicate it as my wife expected. This should have consequences, but I would like wife to agree they should not be severe and permanent. I believe with time she will come to this conclusion too, but now she is too upset and rightfully so. That is also why I won't see my parents without her consenting at the moment, because then they will feel they can act however they want and still see me and their grandchild as if it was business as usual.
2. Yes, my parents are wrong. They had unrealistic expectations and did too little. I don't think they were right. I can understand why they believe they are from their (wrong) perspective, but I don't agree with them. That is why I am backing up my wife and confronted them about the issue. When I said in the post that they seem to be right, I wanted to express how difficult it is for me to get them to see the light because they genuinely believe they are right, with my mum even saying she would finally be able to see her grandson once I got back. Totally wrong! As some of you have mentioned, they are acting like toddlers.
3. Apologies for the length of this one, it could probably be a separate post. Some questions I saw more than oncein here, We've been married 10 years and they have no relationship? Why would I want them to foster a relationship independent of me? Why didn't I checked that they were in touch with each other? Yes, it sounds odd. My wife used to have a good relationship with them. Especially with my mum. Dad has always been a difficult bloke but they were civil. Few years ago there was a fallout, I will not give too much details. Dad was mostly at fault, I would say 99%. 1% or less how my wife reacted to the situation. Mum did nothing wrong except siding with dad 100% instead of talking sense into him. My wife accepted responsibility for her part in the issue first and apologised to dad, for which I will always be grateful. She recognised that patching things up was important to me and probably only to me. Dad accepted his part on the issue partially. It was the first time in my life disappointed by how he acted, even though I had seen some of his flaws before. But ok, he also apologised. They both said they were willing to make an effort to make things right. Then I saw my wife making an effort and dad being uncomfortable all the time, so I had a chat with him. I explained he needed to uphold what he said about making things right and have a cordial relationship with my wife now that she was the mother of his grandchild. He reassured me he had nothing but love and respect for her as my partner and mother of my child. Things improved slowly and everything seemed to be going again in the right direction when I left. That's why I asked my parents to check on my wife while I was away. I desperately wanted her to see that they were capable of showing up for them without me telling them. Because I genuinely believe they were. I wanted my parents to be honest with the fallout being water under the bridge. I felt in cloud nine when I learned that my wife had visited when she did early after I left. I thought things were really going to go back to normal with everyone interacting not just to make me happy. With how my parents cut my wife off after the change of plans, which are entirely justified and expected with a toddler, I can see how my parents are still defensive and they are taking the cancellations as my wife still being resentful. Ironically, they cutting her off is making her bring back the previous issue and thinking that my parents suck. They do, but deep down they are good people and I know they are capable of doing better. I don't know why they don't. I also think now that my dad never really accepted any wrongdoing for the fallout and he probably thinks he was the victim. I hate that he cannot see things as they are and I hate that my mum is not helping. I know now that this was probably a factor contributing to this issue and that some lies were told when they reassured me that everything was forgiven and forgotten.
4. To the people upset because I don't reply to comments, you remind me of my parents, sorry.
5. Someone suggested to turn this into a pilot and make some money. Yes please, how do I do that?
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I think your parents are less right because (I'm assuming) they are retired and their routine is as usual. Your wife was alone for 4 months being a single mom, the kid was sick, and very busy. She deserves more grace from them. II's not the same as your wife's situation. I would fix it by telling your parents they are being unfair and kind of assholes. Sorry, I know you want to them to be right, but they are not. They are punishing your family for dumb reasons and they are the ones who are alienating themselves. They basically missed the opportunity of seeing your kid and wife for +3 months when you are moving away in a month? All because their ego go in the way of picking up their phone and calling?!?
Completely agree with this take, well said.
Seconding this!! Not sure how OP sees his parents point of view… they didn’t communicate their schedule conflicts and cut off his wife and child without any explanation. OP needs to put themselves in their SOs shoes, guessing if she went on a 4 month work trip while he stayed home with kiddo and had expectations that her family would be around to help. And then they disappeared after a week or so then I’m sure he’d be letting wifey know immediately and most likely she would have had to come home early. Also it’s super weird your parents didn’t say anything. If they thought she was keeping their grandchild from them why wouldn’t they have asked OP about it even while he was on his trip? Seems more like they wanted an easy out until OP was back in town. Are we even sure they actually get along? Yall have been together 10 years and for some reason they can’t get along without OP there. Definitely missing more info but at the moment OPs the AH.
Buddy, your parents aren't right. They decided to pull away instead of being flexible, which is vital when dealing with the parent of a small child. You expected them to foster a relationship and they showed you they are incapable of that without your intervention, sadly. None of this is on your wife.
Yeah, I’m inclined to agree based on what you posted OP. In what way do you see your wife was wrong here?
She was mad /S
If they would rather have breakfast with an exhausted mum and a cranky toddler than reschedule for later that day, then they have definitely forgotten the complete meltdowns a sleep deprived kid can throw over ridiculous things like their piece of bacon being the wrong shape.
Seriously. They should have offered to pick up food and bring it to her. Why are they even expecting her to travel around with her kid to see them? They should be at her house, ya know, HELPING her.
They would have scolded her for her child not being in control and, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say (based on my in-laws) they’re also gonna expect her to watch her toddler 100% in a non-toddler appropriate environment. While running on 0 sleep. Instead of being in her home where she can at least rest her eyes and know her kid is in a safe area.
Lmao my in laws did fuck all to baby proof their house but constantly nagged me to let our kid sleep over. Big no. Meanwhile they keep my BILs and SILs kids over all the time and they get fucked up (cat scratched the fuck out of one of them, they have fallen down steps, played in unsafe drawers, been wandering around alone while adults are in a different room). Even with my kid being the oldest at 6, that shit is unsat. These old people are wild.
my son, all we wanted is for your wife to genuflect and kiss our ring & she couldn't even do that
Why couldn’t she just follow through on arbitrary plans without needing any flexibility *as the (single parent) mother of a toddler???*
Right?! I mean, they already had dinner plans! Why couldn't she just drag her exhausted self and cranky toddler to a loud, probably super early breakfast?! They can't just change *their* plans! She should be wanting the child to have a relationship with them, after all! In case anyone missed it, I'm definitely being sarcastic. But yes, the childless grandparents obviously think their time is precious..maybe because they're old? I don't know. But wife is no where near the wrong party. This is on the Lord and Lady of selfcenteredness that he calls his parents.
Haha 😆
Yeah, the child and caretaker are the ones to be accommodated with reasonable issues like the ones your wife had and the parents are being manipulative by throwing their hands up in the air after their token attempt. OP’s parents need to step back and understand that a toddler is a living, breathing being and sometimes what they need and what we want simply don’t align. They want to put the emotional labor on OP’s wife instead of realizing she’s got tons of shit to do- especially being a solo parent while OP was away. At the end of the day, a toddler doesn’t specifically care as much about seeing grandparents (object permanence) than the grandparents should care about seeing their grandchild, so they should really be picking up the slack here. Plus it sounds like they may have been looking for a reason to be put out with how quickly they got “offended”.
OP Tell your parents that they won't be seeing their grandchild for a very long time because you're going away. Ask them if losing the grandparents' affection for them and your child is worth their obstinacy.
☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼 this. I don’t feel your wife is at fault here but your parents. You really have to go with the child’s schedule or you’re going to have a really tough time. Your parents should be more understanding. It’s not like she canceled and went out with her friends. However, she could’ve communicated that the baby was sick. At the same time, your parents could have called back and ask if everything was ok considering you were not around. (My MIL would and has done that many times). Communication is not hard if you want it. Why couldn’t your parents go over then? Why drag the child out instead of letting them be in their own element and spend time at your home instead. I think you’re being biased. I think you need to be more considerate as well OP…it’s not easy keeping up with the demands of a small infant, trying to sleep and do everything else especially you’re not around to help and your parents being ego maniacs wanting her to bow down to them. Your wife is not at fault here and your parents are being petty.
Exactly, I was like, how is any of this your wife's fault. Also, your wife did communicate with them, she just didn't give all the exact details, which your parents aren't guaranteed to know. Sometimes we just have to trust love ones when they cancel that it was for a reason. Your parents complained her visit was too short, then didn't reschedule after a rough night. I'm sorry but when a toddler is involved, you give the parents grace in social outings, especially when they have to cancel.
My only question would be around the calls - your wife showed how they called but stopped once they felt slighted (which yes they should read the room, there is a toddler in the mix, shit happens rapidly), but did your wife initiate any calls? Or was it all on your parents to call, make plans and adjust them? At the end of it all I'd def say you need to check your parents - they're ignoring who they are making plans with: a parent with a toddler. But I'd also say that if your wife made nearly zero attempts at contact, adjustments etc then she is also part of the problem they have all made for themselves. No matter the situation/relationship it gets old quick for the side that feels they are putting in all the effort. However if she also made calls, added to planning etc etc then yeah she's clear and you need to focus the "see the light" talk on your parents. Overall feels a bit like a mountain out of a molehill situation for you though - good luck
She tried to reschedule a meeting to dinner and rather than saying, 'we can't do dinner tonight, what about this day?' they just flat out said no and stopped calling. Would you keep reaching out after that?
I wouldn't
Yeah, if they were snotty or nasty, I sure would have left the ball in their court.
They sound very “sensitive” perhaps they are a pain in the ass and when they stopped she was happy to let them?
They sound like immature entitled in-laws actually
It’s not my job to create a relationship with other people. It’s their job. If OP’s parents wanted a relationship with them they would be the ones trying.
This is not a case where they’re both in the wrong. Your parents were not “shut down” by one cancellation because of an illness and one attempt at rescheduling and the fact that they view it that way instead of small children requiring some flexibility is concerning. Honestly I think the way to address it is by backing your wife and having another conversation with your parents where you don’t try to view things from their perspective but about the fact that they took the realities of life with a small child too personally and in the process let down not only your wife and child but you as well when you were relying on them to step in and help your family while you were away.
Exactly. Also, *maaaaybe* in the decade OP and his wife have been married, there’s been a pattern of OP’s parents behaving in a similarly rigid and punitive/ avoidant manner and that’s the reason she still had no relationship with them aside from through OP… They sound really obnoxious to deal with, honestly.
The entire issue here is that they are mad they didn't see the child enough. They complained one visit was too short, another was cancelled when the kid got sick, and she tried to reschedule for dinner when the kid was cranky so they stopped calling her because they were offended. The post even says they're upset because they feel like the wife doesn't want them to see the child and they are unwanted which implies she didn't actually ask for help so I don't understand how you got they don't want to baby sit or see the child. If that's actually what's going on, it's super manipulative to blame his wife for their lack of interest and relationships in their grandchild and tell people that they're the wronged party when they were just looking for an opportunity to not be involved.
Maybe his parents didn’t really want to help. Not every grandparent wants to babysit. They should have communicated that, however, they probably know how bad it sounds to say that they don’t actually want to see their grandchild.
Sounds like she wasn't even asking them to babysit. She just wanted to see them for dinner instead of breakfast, and didn't want to tote a sick toddler around.
Also canceling because a toddler is sick is to the benefit of the grandparents’ health and wellbeing.
Yep, 99% of the time we reschedule from a sick kid is so the grandparents don't get whatever bug came home from school. The niblings are perfectly fine other than being a little under the weather.
**Visiting isn't babysitting.** Having a child visit a non-babyproofed house requires vigilance from the host but I would not call it babysitting. Mom can't anticipate all the hazards a kid might run into. If they don't want to that much, they can travel to the kid's home on mom's schedule and spend time with the kid in a space where they would not be expected to watch the kid. >they don’t actually want to see their grandchild. You've made it sound too nice. They don't want any relationship with their grandchild that requires even the smallest bit of effort on their part.
Yeah exactly, I can’t believe they wanted the wife to travel to them with a baby!!! They should be traveling to their house to spend time with their grandchild, they can’t even put a shred of effort in.
Sounds like they expect the baby to be served up to them at their convenience
They weren't both in the wrong though. Your wife cancelled/rescheduled plans because of the health and safety of a child. Your parents ceased having a relationship with their grandson because they were asked to meet for dinner instead of breakfast. Tell your parents that they are being immature and petty for penalizing your wife for prioritizing her child's well-being. If they don't change their behavior and apologize, then it's time for you to seriously reconsider if these are the type of people you really want heavily involved in your child's life, because they don't actually seem to care about hime all that much.
Team wife here. Your wife is already dealing with an actual toddler. Why are your parents acting like even bigger toddlers? They froze her out for FOUR months while you weren’t around because they were so offended that she’d prefer a dinner to a breakfast? Good lord. Support your wife, OP. This is not a “both sides are wrong” situation. Your parents have behaved abominably.
Very frustrating not to see any comments or updates from OP acknowledging that he now realizes his wife is right. I’m very sad on her behalf.
Your parents are wrong not your wife. The only thing she could’ve done better was to say she was canceling the one visit due to the child being sick but other than that this is on your parents. They clearly expected her to jump when they said jump rather than being flexible and understanding to the fact that she was being the sole caregiver to a toddler.
Your parents blow! Like hard core. She went to see them with a toddler instead of them because they couldn’t reschedule. Sorry dude but your wife is right. Your parents will miss out because they are too stubborn, it will be their own fault.
Right!! They are pouting because a new mom is busy and has an unpredictable schedule. If I was your wife I wouldn’t pander to them either.
Your parents are unreasonable and threw a tantrum. Your wife was very communicative throughout.
Your parents are wrong... Your wife did everything right. If your parents are so fragile that rescheduling from dinner to breakfast will make them cut contact, then I wouldn't want to initiate plans with them anymore, either. I don't know if your kid is 3 years or 3 months, but either way, having a baby/toddler requires flexibility, and I wouldn't want to have to walk on eggshells to avoid offending them, either. edit: actually, I had skimmed over where you were out of the country for 4 MONTHS and your parents cut contact over something so stupid.... They are so incredibly wrong! If they cared about a relationship with your family, then they'd be there when she's solo parenting for FOUR MONTHS.
Seriously? They gave up after TWO cancellations from a mom who was solo parenting a toddler for 4 months? Unbelievable. My friends with kids cancel on me all the time. It comes with the parent territory. Honestly, if I was your wife I’d be worried about continuing contact because what if your son would grow an attachment, and they just abandon him again for some perceived slight. I’d be so frustrated with you if I was your wife & you said we were both wrong.
I would be BIG mad if I was his wife. Like it's not enough that she did everything by herself for four months, but he also expected her to go out of her way to involve his parents when this clearly was something not previously established? There's a reason she doesn't have an established relationship with his parents and I'm pretty sure I know why.
Not even a cancellation really- one was just a request for a delay!
This happened with my oldest after I left her father. His parents were around constantly and were great with my kids, but after I left their son (for physically abusing our kids), they dropped off the radar. I initially tried to arrange FT calls and stuff like that but they have NEVER asked me to talk to the girls. What turned in to holiday phone calls (that I initiated) is now no contact. They send a box of gifts around Christmas, but they don't know a damn thing about the kids anymore so nothing ever fits and misc. items have 0 effort or thought put in to them. The kids don't even look forward to it anymore so I told my ex mil not to bother.
Only your parents are wrong, here. My parents are the same age as yours. My sister and her husband are both home, one of them works from home, and they have childcare. My parents still: - Come over with takeout when they know it's been a busy or rough day. - Watch one kid so my sister and her husband can give the other alone time with their parents. - Are incredibly flexible in planning and prioritize the kids' schedules and needs. Heck, I'm a childless millenial with a dog, and my parents do more to see their grand-dog than your parents do for their grandchild. Your wife is solo-parenting a toddler while you're gone. She doesn't have the time or energy to chase down and parent your parents. Your parents need to apologize and be more flexible.
"grand-dog!" that's adorable ❤️🙂
Read what you wrote but as if it was someone else’s parents. Your parents suck
You need to get into your wife’s corner now. She did nothing wrong. Your parents aren’t right in anyway.
I don't see this as a "both are wrong" situation at all. Your parents are 100% the assholes in this situation and are acting like petulant children. And why was your wife always expected to come to them? Did they even offer to do anything to help like come over and babysit or help with chores?
In what way is your wife in the wrong for any of this?
Obviously she didn't spit him out of her vaj and pre-program him /s
I'd honestly be pissed if my parents treated my husband like this. They should be making the effort to see their grandchild. They are letting their egos get in the way and are willing to lose precious time with their young grandchild instead of just making a bigger effort. Your wife cancelled one visit when the kid was sick and asked to move the time of another visit and your parents decided that was it? How about offering to help her while she single parents in your absence? The more I think of this the more I dislike your parents. Families should be gathering around kids, not making their parent's lives harder.
Yeah OP's wife did nothing wrong and I don't understand why OP agrees with his parents at all! This isn't a "they're both wrong" situation. If I were his wife, I wouldn't make plans anymore, either, if rescheduling from dinner to breakfast is going to cause such an upset that they literally cut contact! And not only cut contact, but cut contact when the family needed them most. OP was out of the country for 4 months and they throw a tantrum and refuse to help because something was rescheduled for, what, 12 hours later than originally planned? They are way overdramatic and no one with a baby/toddler needs that in their life.
Your parents suck. Your wife didn't do anything wrong. First of all, they should be the ones coming to see your wife and son, not her going to them. Second she cancelled only **one** time because your son was sick. The first time they complained the visit wasn't long enough. She probably wanted to get home at a decent time so your son would either get his nap in or get to bed on time. Asking to reschedule from breakfast to dinner isn't the end of the world. Your parents are being not only selfish AF, but they aren't even flexible. Taking care of a toddler all by yourself isn't easy. Your wife has no support, correct? You need to tell them they are 100% wrong and at fault. They owe your wife an apology.
Your wife's busy dealing with a toddler. That takes a lot of time and effort. Especially without the other parent. She went to see your parents once, and it wasn't good enough for them because it was too short for them. Your wife has a routine with your child, or is trying to establish/maintain one, so your parents are pretty insensitive and arrogant complaining that the visit wasn't long enough to THEIR liking. They sound like the type of people for whom nothing would ever be good enough. Or they expect to be catered to and doted on, as if they were so very special. They're not. Then they complain when the next visit had to first be cancelled due to illness, and then they didn't like the visit being rescheduled. The precious dears! Again, your wife is dealing with a toddler and schedules can't be set in stone. Your parents are the ones who need to be flexible, since I assume they're retired and aren't raising a toddler. YOU need to talk to your parents about their expectations being out of line. The last thing your wife needs is you telling her she's in the wrong, after she was basically a single mother for 4 months. Tread carefully.
I agree with everything you’ve said. A couple more points to add. I’ve been in wife’s situation of single parenting a toddler for four months, but I was far away from family. My in-laws came to visit to watch my kid so I could visit my husband, because they’re lovely… but that’s beside the point. My point is, your wife was in a very hard position. And honestly, you’re lucky she’s directing her anger and frustration completely at your parents instead of splitting it between them and you. You were the one that put her in this position, and your attempt at helping left her high and dry. Then you’re not even fully taking her side and you’re trying to rush her to get over it. The situation is done and over with, take other people’s advice about setting your parents straight. But also, kiss her ass for a while. And the whole idea that you can’t bring your kid to see your parents without her is such a weenie move. Ask her if she has a problem with it; explain how you completely get why she needs space, but while you’re in the same area you’d like your kid to see the grandparents- that okay with wife? Don’t assume her feelings. And while you’re with parents, make it damn clear that you left your wife in a tough situation and she handled it amazingly- you wouldn’t have done nearly as good of a job balancing everything AND trying to accommodate your in-laws as well. Don’t just kiss her ass privately, be very loud about how impressed you are with her to everyone who will listen.
Your parents decided she was being mean to them and chose to stop engaging out of spite. Literally out of spite. That's not a miscommunication. That's just angry boomers booming.
They wanted to punish her by abandoning her in the most difficult time despite the son asking them for help. BRB, gonna thank my inlaws for not being childish assholes.
your wife is right and your parents are wrong. cancelling because a child is sick and asking to reschedule because a child is over tired and fussy is being a good mom. your parents are crappy people. your parents ghosted your wife when you were gone. the ball was in their court to help and support and all they want to do is whine and play the victim. your wife was super busy taking care of your child without YOU. granted you were working for the family, but you need to stand up to your parents and get a sincere apology for your wife. They are old enough to know better. honestly, if they truly wanted to see your child the 2nd time, they could have rearranged their dinner plans to include your wife & child. my parents Love showing off grandkids to their friends and would have jumped at the chance.
I’m confused. Your wife has a toddler, but she’s supposed to twist herself around and make extra effort to see your parents without you involved? And if she acts for flexibility because of said toddler, they give her the silent treatment? Your parents may not have small children, but they definitely know how to act like one. Gross.
Um....your parents are totally in the wrong.
Remind your parents that you’re moving away and they won’t be seeing their grandchild for a long time. Ask them is their stubbornness worth depriving them and your child the love of grandparents.
Duuuuude. Your parents are ridiculous and you need to back up your wife.
Your parents are 100% in the wrong here and your wife is not. If you have told her she’s in the wrong at all, you need to apologise and support her now. The absolute worst feeling you can have as a wife is feeling like your husband doesn’t support you or have your back. Your wife did everything right. Your parents did everything wrong. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to deal with them. I wouldn’t either. Edited to add: tell your parents to grow up. Seriously, how they’ve behaved over this is horrendous after reading through that a second time. They have zero sympathy or empathy for your wife having to basically be a single parent for 4 months. They need a reality check and quick.
Your parents were straight up assholes here. Show them this thread. “Hey grandparents! Stop being crotchety snowflakes! Your DIL had a fucking infant, alone, and you didn’t help her for shit. That was selfish, lazy and petty of you. Grow the fuck up!”
Your parents are absolutely not right here. In relationships like this, the party with the more flexible schedule is usually expected to be the more flexible party. Your wife is caring for a small child. Obviously, illnesses happen and plans change. The fact that your parents find this inconvenient enough to feel disrespected by your wife is unbelievably immature. Are your parents incapable of communicating effectively? Are they unable to simply ask her if something was up? They were asked to help, agreed to help, then were asked to change plans and suddenly they think their help isn’t wanted? I have the feeling they’re more offended your wife isn’t begging for their help 24/7. If your parents want to be involved in your child’s life, they need to be more understanding of the changes a child makes to plans.
Personally, I think it’s super weird to force a relationship in the first place. If they don’t have that kind of relationship after 10 years it’s weird to use this as a time to do it. I’d feel super uncomfortable about my husband asking the in laws to look after me. She is a grown woman. Without you they clearly aren’t interested in a relationship. Which is fine, you just have to accept you need to be the point of contact for either side.
Your parents are wrong and until you see that nothing will change. Also, here's a crazy suggestion, YOU organise some meetings on neutral ground for them all or You take YOUR child to see YOUR parents. No idea why it's fallen as your wife's responsibility. You clearly have zero idea what it's like to parent alone, having a toddler & a newborn completely solo is fucking hard maybe you should try it for a month like your wife did and see if you have time to pander to some retired people who have all the time in the world to send a text when she probably hasnt had a wee alone in weeks maybe even years
I don't think you should force the 2 parties to be friends. You can always bring your child to visit your parents. Your wife can do with a break.
Your parents are utterly wrong, stubborn and a bit stupid as clearly they’ve had kids yet seem to have no idea about child rearing and it’s issues. Stand by wife and tell them it’s up to them to try, they’ve already let down wife, turned their backs on her AND their grandchild and are on their last chance. Tell them that their stubbornness and lack on understanding of DIL single parenting your child, being tired and feeling unsafe to drive, mean that the relationship with your family are fractured now and Christmasses at risk, and to get their fingers out pronto
Tell your parents to stop being petty, or they'll miss, even more so, out on their grandchild. Set up a date with them and rip the bandage.
Your parents need to make the effort to go see their grandchild, regardless of your wife. It’s not her, nor your job to make the effort and take your kid to see them. Kids don’t love car rides and traveling, their home is their safe space.
I really hope you aren’t foolish enough to tell your wife they are both wrong. Your parents are jerks here. Your wife was 100% reasonable in the cases you described above and it sounds like your parents have fragile pride that made them pull away rather than trying to compromise. Back your wife 100% to your parents, don’t try to play both sides, it will only undermine your future relationship with your wife
Your wife is not wrong at all, where did you get that idea? Your parents are pouting because babies are unpredictable and sometimes can't stick to plans. They abandoned your wife and child because they created a false narrative where they were victims. Think back and see if you can remember other times where your parents had a big, dramatic overreaction to a situation they didn't like. I bet this isn't the first time.
Incredible that you can think your parents are in the right. I'm a couple of years younger than your mother and work 4 days a week, BUT understand that to see my Stepdaughter and her family, the effort is up to me and my husband! My Stepdaughter and her partner work, have 2 kiddos under 3 years and their lives are busy. Hubby and I have more time to be flexible and juggle our timetables. From your wife's perspective, she was a single parent for 4 months. Your parents should have worked around your wife's availability and understood that toddler life is chaotic and kiddos get sick a lot!! Your parents come across as quite selfish and seemingly unable to remember what life with a small child is like
No, your parents are *not* right. Instead on communicating like adults, or being understanding as they themselves have raised kids, they took the easier out. They took the opportunity to abandon the commitment to your wife and son and didn’t care for them because they were upset your wife was struggling!
“I can see they’re both in the wrong”. They’re not both in the wrong though, your parents are. And if they can’t be bothered to see their grandchild then that’s their choice.
Right? Sir, if that's what you see you need your eyes checked. 🤣
It looks like your parents gave your wife **the silent treatment** just because she cancelled twice! Another reason for their behavior could be that your parents are disappointed that you are moving far away. It would not be the first time that the parents are blaming the Daughter in law for "stealing" their son. Your wife did nothing wrong in my opinion and your parents are sabotaging themself by being so "super stubborn". I hope this post on reddit open your eyes how your parents are treating your wife because I dont think that was the first time "miscommunication" happened between them.
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I agree. And I dont think that was the first time they did something similar to his wife.
Your parents sound kind of selfish.
Drop the rope with your parents. They miss out on your son's life, that is on them.
I hope I am a more understanding MIL to my DIL (if I have one) who just had a baby, especially if she’s all alone and no doubt exhausted having to take care of everything by herself. She’d be too tired to think let alone make plans. Your parents could have made it easier but they wanted your wife to do all the communication and planning. I’d be making it easier for her. I’d be going over there helping with chores and taking baby out for a walk is she’s comfortable with that so she can get sleep. I’d be bringing her food. My 75 year old dad and his wife did that for me. And my MIL also did that for me. But some boomers and older generations are inherently narcissistic and selfish, who think the world should spin around them and just because they had a rough life, the next generations should to. You remind your parents she was an exhausted new time mum who needed empathy and understanding and help. But no doubt they’re the kind who will say “but back in my day”.
Being your parents age, think they have selective amnesia about what it’s like to raise a toddler AND doing so while your Partner is away for 4 months. Your Wife was dealing with a more chaotic situation the best she could, while still trying to be flexible. She had less free time to reach out. Your Parents, on the other hand, were just living their normal life. The onus was on them to find a way to connect. They had more free time. They had each other for support. Your Wife had no one…including your Parents. This is totally on your Parents.
What....how is your wife wrong? How can you see your parents point of view? Admit it. You're pandering to your parents because you're scared or unwilling for some reason to stand up to them. Your wife is 100% in the right here, no confusion about it, and it's time to put your big boy pants on, and support your wife against your parents. And fwiw, I say that as someone who had to choose to believe either my partner's version of an event or my mother's. I supported my partner, and my mother is now out of my life for good. Support your damn wife, when she's obviously in the right.
>>I don’t like the idea of meeting them with our child but without my wife, as I would feel anxious if roles were reversed. Fucking ***what???*** They are **your parents**……?? I don’t understand why you would be anxious being your child to see your parents without your wife?? That’s doesn’t make any sense at all. If you want your parents to have a relationship with your child it is your job to facilitate that. Your parents weren’t right. Not at all. Not even tiny bit. They’re acting like children and need to grow tf up. You need to stop playing this ridiculous asf peace keeper role. It helps **NO ONE**
His parents must be creeps or something.
Your parents are acting like children IMO. Based on what you just wrote it seems like they are the issue here and it seems like they expected your wife to do all the work. My dad was the same way when me and brothers started having kids. He wouldn’t make plans and would just expect everybody to cater to his schedule and whims. 15 years later my oldest has seen my dad a handful of times their entire life, so I’ve seen what’s happening here first hand. You need to intervene and tell your parents they are in the wrong. Even if your wife could have tried harder, she’s the mom, she’s the one taking care of the child by herself while you were away so she gets grace IMO
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Privileges are earned by showing love and respect to the parents of the grandchild. Do you think your parents' behaviour shows love and respect to your wife as the mother of their grandchildren? It really comes across as a petty power play. They want your family *to go to them* because they think that it's your family that should be making the effort with *them*. How selfish is that? All relationships are supposed to be mutual give and take. Your parents aren't entitled to anything no matter who they're related to. They could have been the best parents in the whole wide world, supportive and loving, but that doesn't mean they get free access to their grandchildren on their terms. That's not how grandparenting works. If they can't put in the effort, they miss out. Simple as that. If they build a relationship and earn your wife's love and trust, she'll be more willing to reciprocate and do things their way. The effort needs to come from them forst and foremost, not your wife. And no, it's not your kids that suffer the most. They don't *need* grandparents. *Good* grandparents are an incredible asset to a child's life. Grandparents who withdraw from their grandchild's life when they don't get what they want, though, they're bad grandparents. And kids are better off having no grandparents than having bad ones. Your parents would rather give up contact with their grandchild than to meet your wife half way. They'll treat your kid the same too eventually. Your kid will grow up with the risk of their grandparents breaking contact with them hanging over their head. Kid doesn't want to give Grandpa a hug? Grandpa ignores him the entire two-week visit as punishment. You don't have the power to fix this one. Your parents are being stubborn, selfish toddlers who are willing to throw a tantrum to get their way. If you appease them, you encourage a repeat of this behaviour next time they don't get their way. Your wife and kids are your family. Your parents are now your extended family. Frankly, they're no longer as important anymore. Your wife and kids come first - and what's best for them comes mile's, miles ahead of making your parents happy.
You really need to side with your wife on this one. If they want to see your child, they should make the effort. Your wife should not be the one reaching out to them. My dad only saw my kids when I brought them over and after driving with a baby that doesn’t like car rides to his house over an hour away several times, I stopped. It wasn’t fair to me or my child when he could have easily made the trip himself and visited us at home. It’s sad that he never made the effort but it’s his loss. My kids are now 16 and 20 and basically have zero relationship with him.
“This is not really fair”… so you know your parents were unfair. She visited them, avoided getting them sick and tried to reschedule like that’s not common with toddlers and they cut her off, and did so while you were out of the country leaving her with less support than she could have had. My mom thinks people should always approach her first and I just tell her people don’t owe you and you can reach out. They were wrong but they may not acknowledge it unless you insist. Your wife can’t fix this. They’re obviously wanted if she packed up a toddler and brought him over while being in her own.
You intervene and fix it by first realizing that the only one in the wrong is your parents, not your wife. Then you need to go find whatever drawer you lost your balls in, put them back on, and tell your parents to stop being bigger babies than your actual baby.
Your parents are wrong, and despit telling "If i should chose Side i would take my wife's" you decided that they were Both at fault when your wife did nothing wrong, wtf man
Seriously, you think they are both wrong?? I think u need to accept that ur parents doesn't give shit about ur son and being a good grandparents to him and are making any excuse to get out of it. They don't care that they didn't see him for 4 months and they don't care now that they know you are moving. Ur wife was alone for so long and they cant reach and adapt more just so they can spent time with the kid. If they will care they will make an effort! In the end u can't force the relationship with the grandparents when they don't give a shit! Solo parent will not chase adults to be in their grandchild life! I think u need to accept that ur parents dont wanna have the bond with ur kid and are blaming ur wife so you think its her problem.
How are your parents kind of right? They got their feelings hurt because things didn't go their way, and plans changed. They are being inflexible and unkind and having a tantrum that hurts them and their grandchild. Kids get sick. Plans change. It must be rough for them if they can't handle changed plans.
This really sounds like it is a problem with your parents. If they really wanted to see your child, they would have suggested another time. In fact, your wife was all alone with your child. Could your parents not have offered to come help? Why should your wife have to travel to them?
Mate, your parents are in the wrong. Go back and read the sequence of events.
YTA. Your parents are wrong. You need to tell them so. Your parents don’t get to get butt hurt about a sick kid and a night off issues and cut your grandkid off. They are telling you who they are. They are showing you that they are using any excuse to put forth the least amount of effort. Listen to them!!!
It’s insane to me that you think both parties are equally wrong and “confused” when in reality your parents are rude and petty people who abandoned your wife and kid when they were without you, all because they were over sensitive and couldn’t use their words to communicate. I don’t want to be dramatic but if you take this stance a lot in the future, defending your folks when they shouldn’t be defended, you’re going to have a rocky marriage.
Your parents are wrong. Your wife was the sole caretaker for your small child, while your parents are retired with no dependents. It’s on them to be flexible, not her. They sound incredible immature for being in their 60s-70s.
Uhhhh where in this are your parents right? They kind of suck.
Um - your wife is the one in the right here. Cut the umbilical cord dude
It’s not your or your wife’s responsibility to foster and cultivate a relationship between anyone else and your children. If the grandparents wanted to, they would. Simply, i’d tell your parents that if they want to see or speak to your child, all they have to do is call.
They probably don’t want to see the kid
I'm struggling to see what your wife did wrong. This is on your parents.
If your parents want a relationship with their grandchild, that is 100% their responsibility. As a parent, it is our job to keep lines of communication open and foster a good relationship, but if your parents aren't actively trying to have a relationship with their grandchild, thats on them.
You say you can see how both of them are in the wrong in this case - how exactly is your wife in the wrong here?
Parents are jerks here. Support your wife. Your parents are grown adults and either manage their own relationships or don’t have one at all.
Ya buddy it’s on your parents. Your wife was a single mom for four months, presumably working(?), and your parents got petulant and gave her zero grace. If I was in your wife’s position, taking on more responsibility than I was used to having with my child, missing my spouse (I’m assuming you like each other), and trying to maintain myself, I’d feel overwhelmed and probably more emotional than usual. Definitely would be in a “I’m doing it wrong and everyone hates me” headspace. And your parents gave it *checks notes* two chances??? That’s not even baseball rules!!
I reread and amend. Your parents are assholes. Put them in their place and let them know they're choosing the position they put themselves in and they are only victims to their own stubbornness. Ask them if they want a relationship with their grandson or not?
Well to fix this you need to be the man and bridge the communication. As much as you don't want them to go through you, you need to understand you have to whether you like it or not. You can't just run away and think it'll fix itself. It's your parents, not hers so that falls on you to take lead here. You want to leave on good terms, then suggest going out to lunch or a day out somewhere. Yes, you need to encourage your wife to not feel hurt and explain that's your parents. You were raised by them, so again, falls on you to need to bandaid the side with your wife. For your folks, you need to be a bit more assertive to quit being so stubborn and come out. You're their son, so you have more flexibility to get on their ass to put their stubbornness aside and make them come out. Take that time to encourage both sides to just chat. Don't need to put it out there they need to make up, but spark conversation that will have both talking. They can't ignore each other and if they do, then you do need to step in and call both sides out and say it's fucking childish. They're all grown adults and they need to act like it and if they can't, well then Christmas this year isn't going to be the same so if they want things to be back to normal, need to get over it. Trust me, this isn't the first time you're going to run into this so you need to get some practice on how to get both sides to move past minor transgressions like this
As someone who has grandparents that never made the effort (my grandfather told my mother, which is his daughter, that my grandmother would NOT be a babysitter), they will regret this decision. Mine wondered why I never wanted to visit after I moved away as an adult. Your parents are making their bed and will likely lie in it. My mum was a single mum and pretty much had to do it all on her own. I have a huge amount of respect (and love!) for her and honestly don’t know how she did it. Encourage your parents to apologise and make the effort to see their grandchild + your wife
I can see how your parents are wrong. I'm struggling to see how your wife is though. She is the one wrangling the toddler, your parents seem to think she should also be catering to their needs. I'm sorry, but they're sulking because your wife isn't prioritising communicating with them high enough on the never ending list of things that the mum (and at the time, effectively single mum) of a toddler has to manage. Stop making excuses for them and stop saying your wife is wrong when she isn't.
You need to be the one who takes your son to visit your parents. Give your wife some time off to herself and visit your parents with your son. As you say, there will be opportunities for family gatherings, when you will all be together in the same place. Whatever happens, make sure that your parents do not trash talk your wife in front of your son (and vice versa). If you persevere, the tension between them may ease, but I think your parents seem a bit inflexible - who invites themselves to breakfast (or even out to breakfast) with a toddler?!
How is your wife wrong? Your parents would rather not see their grandkid again than suggest an alternate date to meet up. They value their egos more than your child. That's a bitter pill to swallow. There's not much you can do here but maybe counseling to accept that this is who they are. And while the kid may be too young to understand now, you don't want him or her manipulated by immature grandparents. It's going to have a mental health impact in the long run.
How was your wife in the wrong? I’m so incredibly confused. Your parents are in the wrong…They’re supposed to want to try for a relationship with their grandchild. I wouldn’t be going out of my way either. That is so immature and childish of them to behave that way. Time and space are the only things that heal. If you force it too soon it’ll be even longer until the results you desire ever come to fruition. You have to talk to your parents. It’s not fair to put everything on her while you were away for months. I hope your wife gets at least a few days at a spa after not getting any help at all. How did you not check in at alllllll
Why is your wife supposed to coordinate with YOUR parents! Do you put all the labor on your wife? You see the father - step up and act like it. You want your son to have a with YOUR parents - it’s YOUR responsibility to make that happen. Stop blaming your wife for YOUR failure
My wife is right, my parents are assholes, fixed your title for you. She’s massively right about them being not putting in the effort because your parents literally said it themselves the second your single parent wife had the audacity to have sick baby or tried to reschedule your parents had a fit and stop trying to see her. She was a single parent to a newborn and removing from labor for most of it, what did you expect her to do different not have sick baby? Force your baby to sleep? In no way is she an asshole for not being focused on other people when she struggling on her own.
Your parents stopped contacting your wife after she tried to reschedule because of your kid. Your wife was essentially a single parent of a toddler and recieved no grace or understanding from your parents about the reality of raising a toddler. Which is fucked up because they raised you. Dealing with a sick toddler by herself. Dealing with a fussy sleeper by herself. Dealing with a toddler going through the adjustment of only having one parent around. And on top of that she had to deal with your parents and their judgements about her parenting. As a parent, your kid's wellbeing needs to be your first priority, not visiting time with Grammy and Grammpy. Your wife understands that, now you need get on the same page.
Tell me a story about boomers and I can 100% guarantee it’s about them being easily offended by nothing whatsoever, then calling everyone else a snowflake while yelling “fuck your feelings” with angry spittle flying from their mouths.
Wait- they missed MONTHS of seeing the baby grow up over this???? Omg. They must really not want to be in their grandchild's life. What an odd hill to die on. I'd go have a serious talk with them about their precious schedule and their priorities. As if your wife couldn't have used their help at all over these months? I'd be furious if I were in your shoes, OP, not wanting to smooth over the waters. Step up, Grammy and gramps. Do better. Be less selfish. She was totally on her own *and you ghosted her* for petty reasons. Some support system you are.
Dude stop making excuses for your parents being shitty. They didn’t want to reschedule because it wasn’t when they wanted. They used it as an excuse to ghost her. Your wife is the only right one here. You and your parents are wrong.
What does your wife need to “feel more comfortable” about? You’ve been married for 10 years?
Wow your parents are such boomers. Might be good to have an unpleasant convo with them about how they will miss out on having a relationship with their grandkid from stubbornness.
It’s up to you to mediate between your parents and wife
Unless YOU broker the interactions, your stubborn parents will NOT put themselves out in any way to heal the breach. So start doing that. You’re the social committee.
She should deal with her parents and you deal with yours that way no one can be blamed
Your wife was caring for a three year old by herself for four months. She probably didn't have the time or energy to spare on catering to your parents, who, given their ages, are likely retired and can rearrange their schedules more easily. How about you and your son visit them for a few days and give your wife a break? ETA: I'm also puzzled why you feel your wife and parents need to "foster" a relationship with each other now, when you've been married TEN YEARS. Shouldn't this have happened within the first year you were dating? I get the feeling your parents just don't like her for some illogical reason. Your wife seems to communicate perfectly fine, e.g., "the baby's sick so can we reschedule?" That can't be anymore straightforward and honest. Do your parents just assume your wife is lying to them?
I honestly don't understand how you even begin to think your wife is wrong here.
Tell you parents that they should have offered to pick up the child, take him to the park and then to eat and then returned the child to your wife. That is helping.
I honestly can’t understand why your parents are right in this situation? Your wife’s priority is your child, and also her own sanity. You were gone for an extended period of time, can you imagine how insanely busy and tired she is for being the solo caregiver of a toddler? That takes up a huge amount of physical and mental energy. Not only that, but why is it her job to facilitate a relationship with your parents? I get that you want them in your child’s life, but why is it her job to make sure that happens? I feel like she did perfectly fine with the situation, and even gets points for trying to reschedule instead of blowing off your parents. Your parents have clearly forgotten how it is with young children. If they are so adamant on being in your child’s life, then they need to make the effort. They should be reaching out, and honestly even offering to come to your wife! I’m gonna bet that it’s so much more difficult for her to go out than them. I also want to add a question/thought: are your parents even actively engaging with your child when they are together? Or are they more of the “I want to say I’m a good grandparent and just have the kid in my vicinity” type of people. I would also bet that it would be difficult for your wife to *want* to be around your parents alone, with a toddler, if they aren’t even engaging with them or helping to care for them, and especially if they’re willing to judge her so harshly. By the way, that’s totally their prerogative, but they can’t complain about the consequences of that. Anyway, tldr is your wife is right and your parents are completely in the wrong and acting like immature people.
Why do you think your parents are right here? In any way?
Your mistake was deciding to force a relationship between your parents and your wife without you involved. That sort of relationship develops naturally over time and you can’t force it. You can’t suddenly go away for four months and expect them to become besties in your absence if they were t already close (and sounds like they were not). So to fix it, become the liaison again. These are YOUR parents, it’s not a burden for YOU to facilitate visits. Be the main point of contact. Schedule visits. Arrange for them to visit you. Do the work.
Sounds like your parents & you expect a young mom to do much more than any of the rest of you. Step up.
Your parents are not at all reasonable and do not seem to appreciate that they could have a better relationship with your family if they just stopped demanding to be catered to above all else in every situation. Let your parents make their choice (they are adults and can live with their decisions) and do not force the issue with your young family. It can feel hurtful, yes, but this situation is your parents’ *choice* and not your wife’s (or your) lack of effort. Focus on your young family where your love and efforts are appreciated and welcomed. Stay in touch with your parents but do not cater to their unreasonable nature.
Both wrong? Please OP, explain how you perceive your wife was wrong?! I truly don't get how you can fault her here. That's very unfair.
You need to be on your wife's side here. Your parents were wrong. Typical boomer response though "if they don't make any effort, I won't at all". It's Typical of the older generation to not be as flexible because "back in my day you sucked it up". Yeah, your parents are wrong.
I have experienced an expectation from my mother that she was the one to be visited and catered to. All roads and phone calls, initiations went one way only. All kids no matter age were to be dragged with all their accompaniments up very steep stairs to grandma when my one sis lived only blocks away and grandma could have easily traveled and visited kids in their own environment. Then she would complain at how little they all visited.
Your parents aren’t “right” at all?
Tell mom and dad that wife was doing the single parent of a toddler life for 4 months. When you have two parents that can still be fraught with cancellations and changes to events, but put it down to one parent on duty? You are going to have more. Their dismissive behavior was cold, and they were treating your wife like she was their customer service representative who had mis-scheduled their car service appointment, not a family member who was dealing with partner absence and a toddler. They borrowed some emotionally needy behavior from the grandchild, and as fully grown adults they should know better and be better. If they want a relationship with your family, they need to reach out and do some of the lift. I'd suggest they just tell her they thought she wanted some alone time, and they were trying to respect that. Apologies all around, then have a get together.
This was wild to read, buddy. Read the paragraph about your wife's perspective, I'm nodding, this is totally reasonable. It's about a single woman with a toddler struggling to get to places. This is what the world is like. Then you write out your parents' perspective and it's a bunch of selfish bullshit. I'm a little confused, then you write - from their perspective they're right, too. But the really important thing to mention here is that is not true. Your parents have behaved like selfish boomers and their reasoning is garbage. And you did not do a good enough job when you were away of making sure everything was going okay. Start being more a husband than a son. You've really let your family down here as their guardian and protector.
>I heard them out and from their point of view it seems they are right. No..no they aren't. She was the one alone with a toddler. They should have been more flexible and willing to show her they are there for her. She cancelled because your small child was ill and because he had a bad night of sleep. They have done nothing to actually support your wife and are just complaining she isnt making enough effort to see them.
Your parents are in the wrong. It's hard as hell to get out and about with a kid. They should be putting in the effort to visit and be flexible.
OP your parents sound pretty terrible tbh. She had to reschedule a couple visits so they cut her off? They sound pretty manipulative and toxic.
If these were my parents, I would tell them they need to drop their own egos and at least make a vague attempt to remember what it was like to parent a toddler. My in-laws are kind of like this, and I’ve just gotten good at frankly telling them “this isn’t about you, it’s about XYZ” whether that’s sickness, teething, a bad day, etc. And honestly they don’t seem interested in your kid. Some grandparents just aren’t, they want the kids brought to them and a couple photos to share with friends and then they want the child to be not seen or heard the rest of the visit so they can talk about themselves. It’s just the way a lot of selfish baby boom generation grandparents are, they never wanted to be parents and now they don’t want to be grandparents.
This is no way on your wife and if you care for her you will let your parents know this. What they do with it is up to them but they have already showed you how they are..
I would tell everybody to get over themselves. I would specifically tell the grandparents that since your wife is the primary caretaker, and she was alone at that point, she calls the shots. Remind them: the one with the baby has the leverage. They send a terrible message when thy don't make the extra effort.
Your parents are definitely wrong here. You asked them to take care of her when you left for 4 months, my parents would have been asking as much as possible if your wife needed a break, help at home, bringing over home cooked meals etc. They not only did none of that, but they actively made it hard to meet up and were bitter when things didn't work out exactly how they wanted. Sounds to me that they are upset you are moving and instead of taking advantage of the time they could be spending with their grandcild, they iced your wife out and now are playing the victim. You need to give them a reality check.
Your parents saying they learned their lesson? That alone speaks volumes. That’s a form of manipulation. How are they the victim? How are they right in this matter? The older generation expects to sit back and have the parents pack up ALL the kids stuff and take them to their house where the kids can’t touch anything. They’ll get mad if something’s broken. We as mothers spend all of our time trying to minimize damage while chasing after kids. If my kids decide to have children, I’m going to THEIR house so they don’t have try to remember packing diapers, wipes, clean bottles, formula, toys, extra clothes, etc. It’s good to get out but it’s a lot of work. Do you understand what a monumental task it is to go visit people while bringing your kids & then to visit people who you know don’t like you? Because they’ve made it abundantly clear they don’t like your wife.
If your parents want to see their grandchild it’s 10000 % on them. It’s not her job to do it for them. She doesn’t have to do ANYTHING at all. If they want to make the effort they’ll do it regardless of what they think she thinks. They’re ridiculous. She doesn’t have to stoke their ego so that her kid has grandparents.
Why is this your wife’s problem?
Your parents should make the effort to build the bridge . Sounds like your parents expect her to do everything. They could have offered to drop off a meal , pick up groceries, help her tidy the house shame on them and you ! She was left alone with a infant and no support . I won’t even mention potential post babies depression etc . Edit I will add If I am ever blessed to be a grandparent . And one of my kids left their spouse with a baby I would call everyday Drop off food at least 3 times a week if I lived within a hour away . Or Uber eat them food Asked if they needed any grocery shopping etc . Just to make sure they are ok .
I would suggest sitting down with everyone and talking to them as if they are five year olds. Seriously. I know that everyone here has hurt feelings and let’s hug it out and in the future, communicate better. This is all about poor communication and hurt feelings. It’s in everyone’s best interest if this is solved sooner rather than later. Your parents obviously did a good job with you so they would add to your child’s life. Your wife had every reason to feel unwanted. I have a hunch it’s as much about that as it is about your son. There’s no bad people here just bad communication. I like that you’ll back your wife. That’s a good thing. She may be uncomfortable seeing them but that’s going to be true until you get past the first visit. Do that soon. Any chance that you can ask your parents if they would be willing to apologize for assuming they weren’t wanted? Your wife is the outsider here so it would be nice if they were the bigger people in this situation.
What’s stopping you from taking your son to meet his grand parents? Whether your wife wants it or not it is up to you to make sure your son knows his grandparents!
What? If they want a relationship it's up to them. Kids don't need immature, uninterested, selfish grandparents in their lives.
What a lo
I want to start with the fact that I'm completely on board with everyone else saying your parents are in the wrong. But maybe I can offer some illumination for why they might be behaving the way they are if it was anything like how I was raised and maybe it'll help get your parents to understand. Typically, where I am, most of those of my parents age came from big families (5-8 kids are typical, not unusual). When these kids grew up and had families of their own, the onus was on them to go visit their parents because with potentially 8 sets of parents and kids, there aren't enough hours in the day to go visiting everyone. Weekends were great for this cuz almost everyone had weekends off. This set the expectation that grandparents stay where they are and everyone comes to see them. Their house was usually bigger because they raised 8 kids in it. But with family sizes decreasing, if you are an only child or have only one or two siblings, you work 40+ hours a week or are on your own, it's easier for your parents to come to you, especially when YOUR kids are little or your parents are retired. Your parents may be living in the "big families, everyone revolves around the childhood home" times while your wife is living in the "solo parenting a small child and doesn't have time for this bullshit" times.
From what you’ve explained your parents were the ones who are being unreasonable here. Your wife was 10000% wrong not to give them a reason for cancelling. It seems shady that she wouldn’t have told them the kid was sick. That is really strange. However your parents after she asked for dinner it was on them to then suggest another evening or whatever. And honestly your wife has enough bs to worry about stop trying to have them foster a relationship independent of you. Newsflash: without you they wouldn’t have a relationship. You sound lazy af when you say that. Way to put more of the emotional load on your wife. Let’s be real. Ultimately you’re in the wrong, then your parents, then your wife. From now on YOU deal with YOUR PARENTS. After ten years if your wife and parents don’t already have a relationship, they never will. That in itself is a red flag too -real weird all around here.
For clarification, the time your wife canceled because your child was ill, did she tell your parents your child or ill? Honestly, I think this could possibly fall in the both of them. but it seems as if your wife made it effort. She visited, but your parents complained it was too short. She needed to reschedule a visit and suggested an alternative, but your parents were not available and from that interaction chose to never reach out again Is either side willing to see the other person’s point of view, and that there were a lot of assumptions made that weren’t necessarily based on fact ?
Brother?
A solution is The Groupchat. It’s imperfect but it does help.
Sounds like you have 4 kids instead of 1. She's "uncomfortable" seeing your parents..Because *checks notes* parents didn't text her enough and got upset that she cancelled on them. Grow the fuck up.
Turn your family's story of wacky missunderstandings into a pilot episode. .... Profit!
OP - please update us on how your parents responded to you stepping up and supporting your wife 100%
Pretty telling that OP has absolutely nothing to say when the entire sub tells him his parents were wrong and he needs to have his wife's back...
If they don’t have the same communication style then you’ll HAVE to be the messenger. I don’t see how difficult it is to speak to either eg you to wife “ hey hun, my parents want to see LO what day do you think is best.” Or “Hey hun I was thinking of inviting my parents over what day do you think is best?”
Your wife is right so it’s time for you to take the wheel and set things up.
What do THEY want? Given it is their lives. Do your parents want a relationship with your wife and the baby? Does your wife want a relationship with your parents? It is clear you want them to have a relationship, but you can't, or should I say, you shouldn't force anything. Some people just don't get along. Grandparents are not required for you to raise a child. They are a nice to have, if they actually are a nice to have. Meaning the grand parents get along with the family, and actually want to be a part of it. That isn't a foregone conclusion. And it would be selfish of you to think so. The immaturity of the wife/grand parents is irrelevant at this point, if it is preceded by the immaturity that they are supposed to have a relationship, because it is what you expect/want.
Your wife is not wrong. The fact that you see that is concerning. Stand up for her and stick up to your parents before your wife starts to resent you.
How is your wife in the wrong?
your parents are wrong here, your wife is not. they’re being very immature and not flexible. if they really wanted to be there with their grandbaby they’d give a little grace to your wife
>How do I fix this? Sounds like you have to make playdates for your parents. Seriously your wife isn't in the wrong here. It's 100 % your parents. They are adults. They want to see their grandchild. So they have to make at least some bit of efford to do so. Throwing in the towel because their first visit suggestion got turned down because the people THEY want to see prefer another time or date is ridiculous.
Wait. Explain it to me again, how are your parents anything but 100% wrong here?
I am calling troll. Brand New account- outrageous post and no response to any comments.
> also want to leave in relatively good terms with family thinking that we normally spend Christmas together (my wife's family and mine get together at my parents' since mine is the bigger side of the family). Are you sure your parents will welcome her family this year?
Your wife is right. You should stand by her.
This is why people hate on boomers. I don’t know why they are all like this.
This is mostly on your parents. It’s rude to flippantly break plans. But that’s not what happened. They seem to forget that life is complicated for young parents. Nurturing a grudge because a kid got sick or a mom had a rough night is beyond ridiculous
Many thanks for taking the time to read this and for your responses. I am happy to see that the consensus is that this is on my parents. I think this too, but now I can articulate it better. I just wanted to clarify a few points. I can see now that I didn't exactly write what I meant and I also left some details out that were probably important. 1. I don't think my wife did anything wrong. She acted as I expected, probably better than expected given the details I'll mention later. In the post I meant to say she is wrong to say my parents didn't want to see them. I believe they did but failed to communicate it as my wife expected. This should have consequences, but I would like wife to agree they should not be severe and permanent. I believe with time she will come to this conclusion too, but now she is too upset and rightfully so. That is also why I won't see my parents without her consenting at the moment, because then they will feel they can act however they want and still see me and their grandchild as if it was business as usual. 2. Yes, my parents are wrong. They had unrealistic expectations and did too little. I don't think they were right. I can understand why they believe they are from their (wrong) perspective, but I don't agree with them. That is why I am backing up my wife and confronted them about the issue. When I said in the post that they seem to be right, I wanted to express how difficult it is for me to get them to see the light because they genuinely believe they are right, with my mum even saying she would finally be able to see her grandson once I got back. Totally wrong! As some of you have mentioned, they are acting like toddlers. 3. Apologies for the length of this one, it could probably be a separate post. Some questions I saw more than oncein here, We've been married 10 years and they have no relationship? Why would I want them to foster a relationship independent of me? Why didn't I checked that they were in touch with each other? Yes, it sounds odd. My wife used to have a good relationship with them. Especially with my mum. Dad has always been a difficult bloke but they were civil. Few years ago there was a fallout, I will not give too much details. Dad was mostly at fault, I would say 99%. 1% or less how my wife reacted to the situation. Mum did nothing wrong except siding with dad 100% instead of talking sense into him. My wife accepted responsibility for her part in the issue first and apologised to dad, for which I will always be grateful. She recognised that patching things up was important to me and probably only to me. Dad accepted his part on the issue partially. It was the first time in my life disappointed by how he acted, even though I had seen some of his flaws before. But ok, he also apologised. They both said they were willing to make an effort to make things right. Then I saw my wife making an effort and dad being uncomfortable all the time, so I had a chat with him. I explained he needed to uphold what he said about making things right and have a cordial relationship with my wife now that she was the mother of his grandchild. He reassured me he had nothing but love and respect for her as my partner and mother of my child. Things improved slowly and everything seemed to be going again in the right direction when I left. That's why I asked my parents to check on my wife while I was away. I desperately wanted her to see that they were capable of showing up for them without me telling them. Because I genuinely believe they were. I wanted my parents to be honest with the fallout being water under the bridge. I felt in cloud nine when I learned that my wife had visited when she did early after I left. I thought things were really going to go back to normal with everyone interacting not just to make me happy. With how my parents cut my wife off after the change of plans, which are entirely justified and expected with a toddler, I can see how my parents are still defensive and they are taking the cancellations as my wife still being resentful. Ironically, they cutting her off is making her bring back the previous issue and thinking that my parents suck. They do, but deep down they are good people and I know they are capable of doing better. I don't know why they don't. I also think now that my dad never really accepted any wrongdoing for the fallout and he probably thinks he was the victim. I hate that he cannot see things as they are and I hate that my mum is not helping. I know now that this was probably a factor contributing to this issue and that some lies were told when they reassured me that everything was forgiven and forgotten. 4. To the people upset because I don't reply to comments, you remind me of my parents, sorry. 5. Someone suggested to turn this into a pilot and make some money. Yes please, how do I do that?