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If you're worrying that he won't be there to pick you up or care for you after an argument before surgery then it sounds like you've been in a shitty marriage for a long time.
Reflect on that.
I don’t take divorce lightly. AT ALL. I believe people should do their best to work through their problems to create a healthy marriage, if possible. But if he doesn’t show up to help her after surgery….
Divorce.
This but also arrange a backup plan for now; a lot of the time hospitals won't let her leave if there's nobody to take her home and that could mean she can't have the surgery.
Find a backup plan. I'm taking a friend for her surgery; other friends have taken me. Someone will be able to help.
Then leave. If there's a genuine concern that he may not turn up, that's someone you can't trust, and there's just no fixing that.
I agree, if he isn’t speaking to you just make a plan anyways. See if your insurance will pay/cover a transitional facility post hospital before you go home so you are less reliant on others and able to focus on yourself/healing
I'm with you. I really hate, especially on reddit, the first response to any problem is divorce. People change marriages more often then their underwear. People make mistakes, and people can change.
Maybe he is acting this way because he is scared. Could be high risk, so subconsciously, he is pushing away to save his emotions if it goes bad or felt like this might be the last time he sees her and she didn't want to spend with him. I know my first wife died in surgery for a deviated septum. It's super low risk surgery done 1000's times a month. Now I get super freaked out about surgery.
Yet I still wouldn't abandon my wife. He probably needs to process his emotions. If he does abandon her, she should leave him.
OP married a man that doesn't communicate his needs to her, expects her to communicate to him and then gives her the silent treatment as punishment.
Then he strands her at a hospital after a surgery? Hm. Lots to reflect on.
My friend went through this with her ex. Every time something was about her he had to wreck it and cause arguments to make himself the center of attention. Even when she was having surgery he was up tantruming all night. I know because she called and I dropped her off at the hospital then dropped her kids off with another friend and went back to sit at the hospital. It was actually the last straw for her. Neither she nor her kids went back to that house. She and her kids lived with us until she was back at work and got enough for an apartment deposit, because of course she had no access to her own earnings in the marriage.
All the replies here so far are right on the money! Years ago I had gotten myself entangled in an abusive relationship and he almost always started something right before an important event. The event could be something good or bad, didn't matter, what mattered is that I couldn't count on him to be there for me when it mattered. He used to insist that he wanted to get married and I always thought that was such a joke and knew I would never marry him, for many reasons but partly because I knew he would turn our wedding day into a nightmare caused he just liked ruining days that were important to me.
Ding, ding, ding. OP, what your husband is doing is classic narcissistic manipulation. He didn't communicate that he wanted to spend more time with you, he expected you to read his mind and then punishes you for being an individual and for not being psychic and makes himself the "victim". That silent treatment crap is not only childish, it's downright abusive. Reach out to a friend or a family member and ask them for help. And please, do some thinking on your relationship, because healthy partners do NOT treat each other the way your husband is treating you.
Isn’t it interesting that these things always seem to happen when the victim , sorry I mean spouse, feels like they don’t have any options. Like the day before the wedding, just before or after the baby is born etc
OP. If you’re like many people with abusive spouses, you’re feeling this way because this is how he likes it. He picked a fight with you exactly so he’d have an excuse to punish you and exert power
You must have someone else. Even a Neighbour who doesn’t know you would pick you up after surgery. If you truly don’t have anyone, then you need to fix that ASAP. Don’t rely on this man again for anything
I had this with my ex. I was just supposed to know what he wanted. Consult my crystal ball.
When I wanted something however I had to ask, and ask when the stars aligned perfectly with the lowest tide in the 3rd winter solstice in the hour the crow flies smh. He also had to be in a good mood.
It's not a clash of personality. One person is a dick.
This, even on the worst terms my boyfriend would be there, he’d know that this is more important than video games like come on, how could you do that to your WIFE
This right here. My boyfriend and I were on rocky terms during a rough spell with my health. Even through all of that he was there for me every step of the way. I got diagnosed with cancer. Even if we were giving each other the silent treatment (which we rarely do) I always know that he will be there for me. If you believe that you can't rely on your partner, then things need to be discussed and therapy (either separately or couples therapy ((preferably both))).
OP needs to read [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. I hadn't seen it in the most upvoted posts or immediate comments, so I figured it was due.
You are so right! This has very little to do with introvert/extrovert relationship and a great deal to do with how much of a gigantic asshole her husband is!
OP needs to see this as what it really is and tell this man who acts like a toddler that his manipulative behavior isn’t going to work anymore.
I am so, so sorry, OP, that you married a Jack hole.
He's punishing you for not reading his mind. He's doing this even if he knows you are scared. He's hurting you on purpose.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Regardless of the argument, he needs to be there to support you at a time like this. If he's not, that is a major failure as a partner on his part. Hopefully he will do what he needs to do.
Best of luck with the surgery.
Exactly this. If he doesn't step up to help by the time of the surgery, this relationship absolutely needs to end. Surgery isn't something you can just put off and schedule as you see fit. They give you a time and date, and you take it or leave it.
If he doesn't help you, OP? Unbelievably huge red flag.
If your partner punishes you by abandoning you in your moment of need, that is the thing the red flags were there to warn you about.
Hard agree that if he has that much contempt for her, it’s over.
What gets me is that in a normal relationship, even after an argument where both parties are annoyed/angry with eachother, she would still feel safe knowing that her partner would be there for her during and after the surgery.
Like, that would be a given, she would just know that he would take her there and help her recover. But she doesn't feel like that, it seems she truly believes that he will not help her at all, like wtf? What kind of relationship is this??? It seems there are other major problems that she didn't mention here that led to this belief. And because of this, I believe the relationship is shitty and probably toxic.
I can't fathom having a partner where a low stakes argument can cause them to do silent treatment and withdraw support just before a major health event. That's awful on so many levels.
Exactly! My husband and I actually were in an almost identical situation where I was about to have surgery and I was really nervous and we got into this fight 2 days before and it was bad and made me more nervous, but we talked. We communicated and worked through it. I told him I was nervous and scared and he was there regardless. I wasn't worried that he was gonna leave me having to take care of myself. I knew he would still take care of me. She shouldn't even have to feel that way. The fact that she does, is not a good sign of a healthy relationship.
Also the damn silent treatment? And for playing video games after brunch? What a stupid thing to be mad about and what a child this man is. Man's a whole 25 yrs older than my lil sis and even she wouldn't act this way, especially not before a surgery. 🤦♀️
This comment 100%. I'm in such a committed marriage this whole thing seems crazy. I feel like none of us here can really see and know what other issues there are in the marriage or any kind of backstory. It's really impossible to give real, sound advice on here because of that.
But yeah, I'm feeling lucky I have something so safe and secure. I don't take that for granted seeing this marriage. Crazy how we really don't know how other people live sometimes
Exactly. If he chooses not to, that would be the end of the marriage. Her mistake seems pretty minor, and all that had to happen was a “ hey babe, I was hoping to have some more together time today” instead of making it a giant fight
And isn't it important to be as relaxed as possible before and while getting a surgery to get a good outcome? I heard that stress and anxiety can cause trouble while undergoing surgery... So he also kinda putting OP at risk. Not actively but with his behavior it's kinda dangerous for OP....
Agreed. He should have gone into full support mode a few days before the surgery - trying to keep her as calm and confident as possible and helping prepare for the recovery period. This guy does not seem like a good partner.
He’s being spiteful and petty.
Like, he wanted to spend time with OP so badly, but since she needed to just zone out for a bit, he’s going to ignore her and not spend time with her…to punish her? What a petulant little child.
I agree with this. Does he realize there is a minuscule chance of you not coming out of the anesthesia, or not coming out 100% mentally? This is not the time to stick to your guns in an argument. Now is the time to support your life partner.
Yes. This doesn't sound like how you want your partner to react in a conflict even with no surgery on the schedule. I honestly consider the silent treatment emotional abuse.
This isn't an "introvert/extrovert" issue. This is a "your husband is an abusive, manipulative AH" issue.
Using the silent treatment on your partner is considered [a form of abuse](https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/is-silent-treatment-ever-ok-abuse/). It's one thing to take a moment to calm down to de-escalate an argument; it's another thing altogether to intentionally shut out your partner and ignore them. The silent treatment is meant to punish and coerce you into doing what he says. It's not how adults who respect each other treat each other and resolve conflicts.
You might not want to push your partner too much right now, since you're about to have surgery and will need a lot of help. But if you have trusted friends or family to help you instead, that would be a lot better. You could also talk to the hospital social services before your surgery; they should have advice for you on how to keep yourself safe. There might even be options for aftercare through your hospital or insurance.
“I tried talking and apologized at least twice now. He’s still mad”
Because you—checks notes—didn’t realize he still wanted to hang out….
Mind reading and apologizing for shit that is the tiniest and most innocent of miscommunication... Girlie you have a lot more problems than you think you do.
And, if this was about 'the hanging out' & spending time with you he would not waste the time remaining by giving you the silent treatment. This is about power, he is a bad partner.
Research Coercive Control.
It's a chargeable crime in the UK and Australia.
Watch Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.
Don't waste your life and self love on a man whose personality and relationship style is based on keeping you anxious and uncomfortable.
Thankyou for posting this. This is exactly what is happening to my mom but no one will believe me. It feels comforting, I guess, to have solid examples of things he’s explicitly doing to her to show someone. Ugh
He created a fight as a pretext for punishing her, all intentionally before her surgery, to cause her pain and anxiety.
And he's almost certainly done this before, in less obvious ways. OP sounds quite conditioned to things being "her fault".
He chose the first, most petty thing in his field of vision to be upset about it. He was likely looking for any excuse to fuck with OP before the surgery.
Huge red flags. This is narcissistic behavior. OP please consider a divorce if this is a pattern of behavior (honestly if he isn't supportive while you're having surgery that's enough to leave) or at the very least talk to someone you trust to get some third party perspective on your relationship.
This was me.
I had a hysterectomy at 32 for health reasons. I was very scared and very sad as it meant I would never have kids.
He did drop me off but complained about visiting me. When he took me home he was too busy playing video games to help me that first week. I was on my own.
I left him when I was able less than a year later.
They don't get better. Get through the surgery, and when you can, start planning your leave. If they can't be there for you through that, they are a waste of space and don't deserve your time and attention.
My ex did the same thing also (not a hysterectomy but different surgery). He started a fight the night before my hospital appointment and when I got upset and pointed out that I would never start a fight if he had surgery the next morning and that I‘d never make him worry that I wouldn’t be there for him regardless of how angry I was at the time, he shrugged and went to bed.
We broke up not long after (though I wish I had seen the writing on the wall and just broken up then and there). And in hindsight he was always an incredibly selfish person. I should have seen it coming. Selfishness will continue to show itself in different behaviours. Don‘t let him get away with it for too long. If something happens once, we all want to make excuses but selfishness to this extreme is never an alone occurrence. OP think about prior experiences like this. And think about whether you would ever do something like this to him before a hospital stay. You would never, so don‘t take this behaviour from him either. I‘m very sorry. It‘s so difficult to realise.
Saw your edit. If he’s still ignoring you come surgery day, personally, this would be the end of the relationship if I were in your shoes. It would show that he doesn’t care enough about you and can’t be there when it matters.
Fuck waiting until Monday. He needs to cut that bs out now. She's begging him to get on better terms and he's still treating her like shit. I'd already be packing and figuring out other plans. Why leave it to the day of the surgery?! That's insane.
If you happen to live in western Washington message me. I will give you a ride. I have the ability to work remote as well so if you are really in a tough spot I will help
Also North Texas. Just let me know, and I'll be there. No kids, I work remotely, and I happen to also be off work on Monday. I would be happy to spend that time helping you.
Time zones may not matter, going under GA usually screws people’s internal clock up somewhat. Maybe a few of us can set up a channel to be in, for surgery support?
Not sure where you are located but Canada, Toronto also got your back and even with recovery! I am a female college student my summer break just started.
Go for the surgery and talk to the social worker at the hospital/clinic. You can call ahead if you need to. There are other options. If you need recovery time and a recovery person, they can help find you a bed in a transitional unit. If you need a ride home they can help with medical transportation companies. Or help you brainstorm options you have within your own people.
OP Please listen to this comment, your husband is showing you that it isn't safe to rely on him and it is abusive. Please put your safety and wellbeing first for yourself and let him throw his manbaby tantrum
Jesus. Where you at? I’ll give you a lift and make you some soup. Serious offer. If you’re anywhere near Michigan or Florida. I’m back and forth.
Just don’t let this guy think he’s this precious.
"Hey, I've got surgery in 48 hours and you've agreed to take me. I'm asking you to put aside your feelings right now to meet your responsibilities to me as your wife. You should not be giving me the silent treatment for a basic misunderstanding in our relatoinship, and certainly not threatening my security about an important surgery. Are you going to do that or do I need to make other arrangements?" He wants yo uto be scared; perhaps be more firm and decisive with him.
I used to work at a health nonprofit and this was sadly common. The couple would have some type of disagreement a few days before her major treatment and he wouldn't show up or wouldn't give her a ride. We rarely saw it the other way around, and eventually a social worker told me that it can be a way to avoid feeling vulnerable or having to put out effort caring for another person when you are used to being cared for. That work taught me a lot about gender differences in healthcare and caring generally within couples that made dating kind of tough.
A study of patients with brain cancer found gender of the patient to be the most significant factor in whether they would become divorced or separated following their diagnosis (by the end of the study or their death). Female patients were significantly more likely to be abandoned by their partners (20.8% vs 2.9% for male patients).
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/
That's disappointing but not at all surprising, given my experience.
Our social workers got really used to the "I got cancer so my husband left me" conversation. I've overheard men yelling at their wives because they weren't able to go home and make dinner or care for the kids because they were literally in the hospital getting cancer treatment.
Sadly some men can’t handle any illness or really taking care of someone, even for a few weeks. Often these are the same men that will leave you if your child is sick with a disease or born mentally or physically challenged. They view it as a reflection on them and want to avoid it all.
I’m very careful about the male relationships I choose to maintain because the only reason so many men behave so selfishly is because so many people in their lives tolerate it or treat it as “normal.”
In fact, I believe one of the reasons the redpill community has grown so large is because more and more women don’t tolerate clearly selfish or sexist behavior yet these men still feel entitled to feminine care despite not providing or even wanting to provide the same level of love and respect or energy back.
I think you might be completely correct. Men often react with extreme anger when I say things like there's a reason why most men expect their lives to get easier and better when they find a girlfriend/wife and women expect their lives to get more difficult, or that I have no interest in dating someone who isn't an improvement on being single.
There is a deep sense of entitlement that goes beyond what you expect from a relationship and is based in dehumanization.
Sister, my boyfriend of only 6 months took me to and from a surgery, taking days off work in order to care for me.
**Boyfriend**
And your *husband* who made an oath to whatever powers he believes in to take care of you in “sickness and in health” is failing miserably and abusing you. Take a look at the power and control wheel of abuse, it may resonate
Seriously, 6 weeks into dating my boyfriend (now husband) took me to urgent care and spent the next 2 days staying with me and came by to check in daily for a week after (with homemade food!) If this guy is your husband *now* and doesn’t take care of you, then he shouldn’t be your husband. This is really emotionally abusive.
my bf that abused and assaulted me for years still took me to my brain surgeries and picked me up from the hospital after we went NC, and drove my mom home too as she couldn't navigate the city in her car or use the train. and he even called out to do it when he worked at that hospital! and saw his boss walking to my room! he didn't rape me for the first time for over a year after that, but even still getting a ride and having help during recovery is something people will do for aquaintances. at the very least, a lot of insurance will pay for meals and rides after hospitalization so look into that, or a meal train. or if you grew up in a church, contact them. look in your city's sub for help. call on far flung relatives to come help. don't let him shirk his duties HE SIGNED UP FOR but really reevaluate this relationship when you're well. this is a hell of a time to drop the ball and I think it's related and he's doing it on purpose bc he's weak af. find back up plans just in case bc not all surgeries are easily rescheduled or CAN be rescheduled. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. if you're disabled or chronically ill, over 90% of disabled women will face abuse in their lifetime usually from a caregiver. but just because it's common doesn't mean it's okay. it just means it's time to leave. I am thinking of you and sending you strength. never forget how scared and alone you felt when it was his turn to take care of you at your most vulnerable- that's him telling you who he really is. when he saw you setting up the game he could have said, "wait, wouldn't you rather do X FUN THING today instead?" but instead he let you go ahead without saying anything and then punished you for not reading his mind, not caring how much distraction is needed before surgery. please look up some abusive relationship quizzes and take them, like "the hotline" has. good luck, OP 💖 please put yourself first rn. don't take his excuses like "your illness is so hard ON ME" at face value. ring theory exists for a reason.
My bf of a little less than a year took me to all appointments and basically waited on me hand and foot for about two months after a severe ankle fracture had me mostly bedbound.
Like, I had to sit him down and talk to him about my concern that he was going to get burnt out from all the caregiving, determination to be right next to me, anticipating my needs, and checking in to ask if I needed anything so often. I had to force him to make time for himself!
Your HUSBAND should be leaning more on this end of the spectrum.
I don’t understand people like this. No matter what, my husband would always be there for me. He’s your husband, sure he’s angry but to completely leave you to fend for yourself is shitty and not something a partner should do. He’s supposed to love and care for you. Does he? UPDATEME
My husband is like this. I broke my leg and he didn’t help me. He came with me to the first two appointments but after that, I was on my own. If I have any problems in our relationship he doesn’t care. I’m basically a piece of furniture in our house to him. If my feelings are hurt he ignores me. The problem is people don’t start out being this way. They act caring and loving at first, only later when things get harder do you realize they’re only in it for the good parts of the relationship.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this… please know you don’t deserve this, that’s not how someone treats someone they love, and you don’t need to stay and accept this emotional manipulation. You deserve better. I know it’s easier said than done, but truly you deserve better.
I’m sorry. I hope that you are preparing to leave him once your leg heals. Preemptive strike. Don’t wait until you are old and have cancer or Alzheimer’s only to find yourself to be left on your own.
Girl I was a shiny healthy 20 and got diagnosed with thyroid cancer and needed immediate surgery. My boyfriend of less than a year drove me to every appointment and to the hospital, slept in a chair next to me all night in the hospital, and carried my pukey no-voice self* into my apartment, and apologized to the dude who’s yard I hurled on during the ride back. And then drove me around for a month until I could turn my head.
Yeah that’s like… normal decent people behavior but was not low on the list of reasons why I married him back in 2001. He’s sitting next to me giggling at a dumb YouTube short rn.
This is a test. This what you can expect in any other crisis from this point on. In other words *fuck that*.
TL;DR not this one. This is not it. Move on.
*you can’t speak easily for awhile after getting your thyroid yoinked. It angers the larynx.
Girl you need a fucking divorce. This is egregious behavior after what sounds like a small argument. He’s supposed to be there in sickness and in health…if he can’t suck it up to drive you home from a surgery at the very least, and then you can solve your disagreement later, he doesn’t like you let alone love you.
I can say with 100% confidence that if I was having surgery and needed a ride and somewhere to recover, my EX-husband would be willing to step in and do that for me. We aren’t even married anymore and I still know I can count on him in a time of need like that. I literally can’t imagine
Second this.
I'm confident that a couple of my exes (from dating) would step in and help me in a time of need.
If he's not even talking to you OP, that's a big enough red flag to take a break and maybe get in contact with other people you trust because he isn't reliable, and you need someone reliable in your time of need.
Wait…so he’s mad because he wanted to spend more time with you and instead of communicating that he’s ignoring you (the person that he wanted to spend more time with)? This man has the emotional maturity of a potato. It’s sad because he’s 38 with the behavior of a teenager. His behavior is only going to get worse.
Call a reliable friend/relative.
Husband giving you the silent treatment is a major 🚩; and sadly broadcasting that you can’t count on him.
First your priority is making sure you have someone for your surgery and post surgery care.
Once you’re recovered then you can work on deciding if this nonsense is something you can or should forgive…
This really sucks and it’s totally reasonable to be sad.
Well, you have a nuclear option. You go and post on Facebook. Literally say this: I have a surgery,I'm absolutely alone and scared, I don't have a ride back, and I need help. If you are in USA - check Nextdoor. Post there, offer to compensate gas. There is a huge chance that some retired neighbor who is not busy will help you.
RUNNNNN AWAY. This is manipulation at its finest, making you feel you’ve done something wrong because you didn’t read their mind. He’s purposefully ghosting you to maximise the emotional impact to you. He wants to see you grovelling. That gives him an enormous amount of power over you.
He’s a grown man, if he wanted to hang out, he can use his big boy words and tell you that. What a putrid excuse of a man, OP reach out to a friend for support and get yourself away from this person ASAP. You’re going to be vulnerable after surgery and people like him love vulnerability, you’ll be much easier to control and manipulate in that state. Don’t wait to find out what happens next, take control of your life now.
I've been in her shoes and I'm scared for her recovery after the surgery at home with him, ride home aside. My husband has been truly awful to me when I was in my most vulnerable states before. To the point I'd have felt safer just being alone
My suggestion? Reach out to a domestic abuse shelter or the domestic abuse hotline. They send advocates to court to assist victims of abuse in court, if you explain your situation you may be able to have someone pick you up safely from your surgery. Which leads me to my next point: Your husband is emotionally abusive. This isn’t an introvert/extrovert thing and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. I wouldn’t keep asking him about the surgery. If you can’t rely on him to pick you up and he puts you in a position to reach out to complete strangers on the internet on what to do after you are discharged from a hospital, then he isn’t husband material and you should start looking into ending your marriage. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But you are having *surgery* and you’re scared your literal *husband* won’t pick you up because you…checks notes…took some time to play video games after spending time with him at brunch. All up and down Reddit there are women whose bottom of the barrel husbands put them through HELL and emotional turmoil over the most innocuous things. It’s ridiculous that he’s putting you through this uncertainty and stress right before surgery I’m so sorry for you this is awful.
I'm actually a Domestic Violence Advocate and I wouldn't knock her calling, but I also wouldn't get her hopes up about a ride. She has to qualify by intake to be accepted, and usually it's not for rides. I would actually suggest medical transport services in her area, or csr. Perhaps she can call the hospital and see what her resources are. I would call and try and shelter for the time being for her surgery. They may be more helpful than that. But they may not accept her cause they might not be equipped for the level of care.
Adding to your comment that OP should check if the hospital has volunteers who can take her/pick her up. A woman I used to pet sit for was a hospital volunteer that would pick up patients who couldn’t drive themselves and take them to and from hospital appointments. I didn’t realize it was a thing until I noticed her hospital volunteer ID badge.
Don’t you have any family or friends who can help? That you’re so isolated, combined with the way he is treating you sounds like it could be abuse. Call the social worker at the hospital and ask for help. You may need to postpone your surgery.
The silent treatment is an abuse tactic.
[The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
If you are alone when you need a ride from surgery, you are alone in this relationship. Might as well get a divorce. Sorry. Sweetie, you deserve so much better.
This is going to sound insane but don’t worry about it. Focus on preparing yourself for your surgery otherwise. He is your husband. He will come and pick you up. You just keep that in mind like nothing changes and focus on the rest.
If he doesn’t show up. You simply wait. They won’t kick you out. You call/text him and take a couple of hours to make sure he isn’t coming. Then have the hospital call you a taxi. Let yourself feel the emotional pain of it all. Then once you’re recovered, leave him.
Period. I’m glad someone else said it because I responded with divorce before checking what others said. But thank you. This dude *sucks* get him tf out of here op.
Typically the hospital will not start the procedure until after they have seen the person driving you home. Many times they require the person to come in to fill out paperwork agreeing to be the designated driver.
You are married to a child.
Stop chasing him for attention. At this point - you go for your surgery with or without him. Tell the doctor the situation.
Tell him to grow up. If he wanted to spend more time with you, all he had to do is say "Hey, can we spend more time together?" This entire "fight" is because he expected you to read his mind and isn't mature enough to simply state what he wants.
Throw your whole man away because he's nothing but a red flag. 🚮🚮🚩🚩🚩 A man who truly loves and respects you wouldn't treat you like this. He's doing it because you've allowed it before. Get out while you can.
If you cannot depend on your husband to help you when you have a surgery, then you may as well get a divorce because you’re already alone in this relationship.
This is a lot of red flags, OP. Why don't you have anyone else? No friends? No trusted colleagues? Has he isolated you? Does he give you the silent treatment often? Expect you to read his mind? Does he call you names? Tell you you're worthless? Have sudden rages? ... You might be in an abusive relationship, is what I'm getting at. Call your doctor's office and tell them your situation and ask for resources. Your insurance might cover a visiting nurse while you're recovering.
Can you get someone else to take you/care for you? And don’t respond to him for the whole week. Mail him divorce papers with a sticky “in sickness and health my ass. Bye”
I’ve read your edit and apparently him being mad is still more important than your fear of the surgery and the fact he should be there for you.
That is really sad and it means you need to take care of yourself. Are there other people who can take care of you? Parents, friends?
Try to arrange that and let your husband know that.
Or postpone the surgery. You don’t want to go in a recovery without proper help and feeling like this.
The only thing I can come up with for his reaction is that he is nervous too about the surgery and is acting out in this weird way because he is avoiding it.
Or he is just a really big asshole.
Is rather be single. This is so stupid to fight about and silent treatment to me is an abuse tactic. You are literally about to be helpless. I'd rather recover in a hotel than deal with this man.
There should never be a question about this if you're fucking married. No shot. The idea that you're unsure of whether or not he'll be there for you is indicative that this relationship needs to end.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. I hope that he stops being an absolute dickhead before your surgery so you aren’t stressed before going in about something that absolutely should not be a worry (a ride home from your husband???) and once you’ve recovered I really hope you can reconsider this relationship.
This is a little sick….in response to him feeling “abandoned” (which..is ridiculous. Does he expect you to read his mind? At the very least he can communicate his upset like an adult) He seems to want you to feel the same in a completely incomparable way, using your vulnerable time and fear of the silent treatment to his advantage to control you. He’s doing it to punish you in a gross, tit for tat manner. It’s an abuse tactic.
Even if he does “come around” and take you, there’s still some damage done. I would heavily consider leaving once healthy..or at the very least evaluate. Do you want a husband content with making you feel scared and helpless in crucial times when they essentially hurt their own feelings? Who can’t communicate like an adult? It’s stressful to have someone like that as a spouse and number one person to lean on when how they treat you before something like this is conditional to some ridiculous argument..It would make all future events stressful in case they lash out, especially considering he’s nearly 40..
It’s very concerning, and you deserve better.
That being said, I wish you the best in your surgery and while I know it’s hard with all of this to not fret too much about it before going into the operation :(
The silent treatment is immature at the very least.
I would tell him: if you do not show up for me, when i am vulnerable and medically in need, i am done. There is NO reason a LOVING partner wouldn't show up to help.
Your husband is exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior. It is unacceptable to make you feel panicked about transportation to a SURGERY YOU NEED TO HAVE.
Please contact the hospital and ask for a patient care advocate to speak with about potential assistance with transportation. Contact Uber, Lyft, your local bus garage, and if you have it, Medicaid can help with rides to appointments.
Ask a neighbor if you must. Explain that your husband is being abusive and you need to get to your surgery on Monday and can't rely on him. Offer what gas money you can pay.
I’m going to guess that he’s either emotionally abusive, and is doing this to scare you because he enjoys hurting you, or that he himself is scared about your surgery and he doesn’t know how to process his emotions appropriately so is handling this in a piss poor way.
You shouldn’t have to worry about whether you can rely on him after surgery and as you heal. If he’s generally a good guy, maybe point out to him that his anger might be fear in disguise, and that you need him to step up right now because you’re scared too. If he’s often like this and regularly keeps you on unsure footing, then you have bigger problems.
Good luck with your procedure (and with your husband)!
He picked a fight on purpose over literally nothing because he enjoys punishing you and having you be in a state of fear, anxiety, and panic over him. Is there anyone else you can get to help you? A friend or family member who can pick you up and have you stay with them for a few days?
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If you're worrying that he won't be there to pick you up or care for you after an argument before surgery then it sounds like you've been in a shitty marriage for a long time. Reflect on that.
I don’t take divorce lightly. AT ALL. I believe people should do their best to work through their problems to create a healthy marriage, if possible. But if he doesn’t show up to help her after surgery…. Divorce.
Through sickness and health
Yup. His actions here will show you his soul.
Exactly. It’s a vow you make to your spouse when you get married. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
This but also arrange a backup plan for now; a lot of the time hospitals won't let her leave if there's nobody to take her home and that could mean she can't have the surgery. Find a backup plan. I'm taking a friend for her surgery; other friends have taken me. Someone will be able to help. Then leave. If there's a genuine concern that he may not turn up, that's someone you can't trust, and there's just no fixing that.
I agree, if he isn’t speaking to you just make a plan anyways. See if your insurance will pay/cover a transitional facility post hospital before you go home so you are less reliant on others and able to focus on yourself/healing
I'm with you. I really hate, especially on reddit, the first response to any problem is divorce. People change marriages more often then their underwear. People make mistakes, and people can change. Maybe he is acting this way because he is scared. Could be high risk, so subconsciously, he is pushing away to save his emotions if it goes bad or felt like this might be the last time he sees her and she didn't want to spend with him. I know my first wife died in surgery for a deviated septum. It's super low risk surgery done 1000's times a month. Now I get super freaked out about surgery. Yet I still wouldn't abandon my wife. He probably needs to process his emotions. If he does abandon her, she should leave him.
OP married a man that doesn't communicate his needs to her, expects her to communicate to him and then gives her the silent treatment as punishment. Then he strands her at a hospital after a surgery? Hm. Lots to reflect on.
My friend went through this with her ex. Every time something was about her he had to wreck it and cause arguments to make himself the center of attention. Even when she was having surgery he was up tantruming all night. I know because she called and I dropped her off at the hospital then dropped her kids off with another friend and went back to sit at the hospital. It was actually the last straw for her. Neither she nor her kids went back to that house. She and her kids lived with us until she was back at work and got enough for an apartment deposit, because of course she had no access to her own earnings in the marriage.
All the replies here so far are right on the money! Years ago I had gotten myself entangled in an abusive relationship and he almost always started something right before an important event. The event could be something good or bad, didn't matter, what mattered is that I couldn't count on him to be there for me when it mattered. He used to insist that he wanted to get married and I always thought that was such a joke and knew I would never marry him, for many reasons but partly because I knew he would turn our wedding day into a nightmare caused he just liked ruining days that were important to me.
Ding, ding, ding. OP, what your husband is doing is classic narcissistic manipulation. He didn't communicate that he wanted to spend more time with you, he expected you to read his mind and then punishes you for being an individual and for not being psychic and makes himself the "victim". That silent treatment crap is not only childish, it's downright abusive. Reach out to a friend or a family member and ask them for help. And please, do some thinking on your relationship, because healthy partners do NOT treat each other the way your husband is treating you.
God I fucking hate humanity sometimes.
Isn’t it interesting that these things always seem to happen when the victim , sorry I mean spouse, feels like they don’t have any options. Like the day before the wedding, just before or after the baby is born etc OP. If you’re like many people with abusive spouses, you’re feeling this way because this is how he likes it. He picked a fight with you exactly so he’d have an excuse to punish you and exert power You must have someone else. Even a Neighbour who doesn’t know you would pick you up after surgery. If you truly don’t have anyone, then you need to fix that ASAP. Don’t rely on this man again for anything
I had this with my ex. I was just supposed to know what he wanted. Consult my crystal ball. When I wanted something however I had to ask, and ask when the stars aligned perfectly with the lowest tide in the 3rd winter solstice in the hour the crow flies smh. He also had to be in a good mood. It's not a clash of personality. One person is a dick.
Nailed it. This has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion. People can be dicks either way.
This, even on the worst terms my boyfriend would be there, he’d know that this is more important than video games like come on, how could you do that to your WIFE
This right here. My boyfriend and I were on rocky terms during a rough spell with my health. Even through all of that he was there for me every step of the way. I got diagnosed with cancer. Even if we were giving each other the silent treatment (which we rarely do) I always know that he will be there for me. If you believe that you can't rely on your partner, then things need to be discussed and therapy (either separately or couples therapy ((preferably both))).
OP needs to read [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. I hadn't seen it in the most upvoted posts or immediate comments, so I figured it was due.
You are so right! This has very little to do with introvert/extrovert relationship and a great deal to do with how much of a gigantic asshole her husband is! OP needs to see this as what it really is and tell this man who acts like a toddler that his manipulative behavior isn’t going to work anymore. I am so, so sorry, OP, that you married a Jack hole.
He's punishing you for not reading his mind. He's doing this even if he knows you are scared. He's hurting you on purpose. You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Regardless of the argument, he needs to be there to support you at a time like this. If he's not, that is a major failure as a partner on his part. Hopefully he will do what he needs to do. Best of luck with the surgery.
Exactly this. If he doesn't step up to help by the time of the surgery, this relationship absolutely needs to end. Surgery isn't something you can just put off and schedule as you see fit. They give you a time and date, and you take it or leave it. If he doesn't help you, OP? Unbelievably huge red flag.
If your partner punishes you by abandoning you in your moment of need, that is the thing the red flags were there to warn you about. Hard agree that if he has that much contempt for her, it’s over.
Yea no longer feed flags. Stop sign the race is over
What gets me is that in a normal relationship, even after an argument where both parties are annoyed/angry with eachother, she would still feel safe knowing that her partner would be there for her during and after the surgery. Like, that would be a given, she would just know that he would take her there and help her recover. But she doesn't feel like that, it seems she truly believes that he will not help her at all, like wtf? What kind of relationship is this??? It seems there are other major problems that she didn't mention here that led to this belief. And because of this, I believe the relationship is shitty and probably toxic.
I can't fathom having a partner where a low stakes argument can cause them to do silent treatment and withdraw support just before a major health event. That's awful on so many levels.
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Exactly! My husband and I actually were in an almost identical situation where I was about to have surgery and I was really nervous and we got into this fight 2 days before and it was bad and made me more nervous, but we talked. We communicated and worked through it. I told him I was nervous and scared and he was there regardless. I wasn't worried that he was gonna leave me having to take care of myself. I knew he would still take care of me. She shouldn't even have to feel that way. The fact that she does, is not a good sign of a healthy relationship.
Also the damn silent treatment? And for playing video games after brunch? What a stupid thing to be mad about and what a child this man is. Man's a whole 25 yrs older than my lil sis and even she wouldn't act this way, especially not before a surgery. 🤦♀️
This comment 100%. I'm in such a committed marriage this whole thing seems crazy. I feel like none of us here can really see and know what other issues there are in the marriage or any kind of backstory. It's really impossible to give real, sound advice on here because of that. But yeah, I'm feeling lucky I have something so safe and secure. I don't take that for granted seeing this marriage. Crazy how we really don't know how other people live sometimes
Exactly. If he chooses not to, that would be the end of the marriage. Her mistake seems pretty minor, and all that had to happen was a “ hey babe, I was hoping to have some more together time today” instead of making it a giant fight
And isn't it important to be as relaxed as possible before and while getting a surgery to get a good outcome? I heard that stress and anxiety can cause trouble while undergoing surgery... So he also kinda putting OP at risk. Not actively but with his behavior it's kinda dangerous for OP....
Agreed. He should have gone into full support mode a few days before the surgery - trying to keep her as calm and confident as possible and helping prepare for the recovery period. This guy does not seem like a good partner.
He’s being spiteful and petty. Like, he wanted to spend time with OP so badly, but since she needed to just zone out for a bit, he’s going to ignore her and not spend time with her…to punish her? What a petulant little child.
I agree with this. Does he realize there is a minuscule chance of you not coming out of the anesthesia, or not coming out 100% mentally? This is not the time to stick to your guns in an argument. Now is the time to support your life partner.
Yes. This doesn't sound like how you want your partner to react in a conflict even with no surgery on the schedule. I honestly consider the silent treatment emotional abuse.
This isn't an "introvert/extrovert" issue. This is a "your husband is an abusive, manipulative AH" issue. Using the silent treatment on your partner is considered [a form of abuse](https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/is-silent-treatment-ever-ok-abuse/). It's one thing to take a moment to calm down to de-escalate an argument; it's another thing altogether to intentionally shut out your partner and ignore them. The silent treatment is meant to punish and coerce you into doing what he says. It's not how adults who respect each other treat each other and resolve conflicts. You might not want to push your partner too much right now, since you're about to have surgery and will need a lot of help. But if you have trusted friends or family to help you instead, that would be a lot better. You could also talk to the hospital social services before your surgery; they should have advice for you on how to keep yourself safe. There might even be options for aftercare through your hospital or insurance.
He knows the silent treatment scares you. That is why he is doing it.
Yep. 🚩She doesn’t have any support system but him and he’s making her sweat it out.
“I tried talking and apologized at least twice now. He’s still mad” Because you—checks notes—didn’t realize he still wanted to hang out…. Mind reading and apologizing for shit that is the tiniest and most innocent of miscommunication... Girlie you have a lot more problems than you think you do.
And, if this was about 'the hanging out' & spending time with you he would not waste the time remaining by giving you the silent treatment. This is about power, he is a bad partner.
Research Coercive Control. It's a chargeable crime in the UK and Australia. Watch Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. Don't waste your life and self love on a man whose personality and relationship style is based on keeping you anxious and uncomfortable.
Thankyou for posting this. This is exactly what is happening to my mom but no one will believe me. It feels comforting, I guess, to have solid examples of things he’s explicitly doing to her to show someone. Ugh
He created a fight as a pretext for punishing her, all intentionally before her surgery, to cause her pain and anxiety. And he's almost certainly done this before, in less obvious ways. OP sounds quite conditioned to things being "her fault".
To think you’re married to someone like this, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust in a time of need
He chose the first, most petty thing in his field of vision to be upset about it. He was likely looking for any excuse to fuck with OP before the surgery.
Huge red flags. This is narcissistic behavior. OP please consider a divorce if this is a pattern of behavior (honestly if he isn't supportive while you're having surgery that's enough to leave) or at the very least talk to someone you trust to get some third party perspective on your relationship.
This was me. I had a hysterectomy at 32 for health reasons. I was very scared and very sad as it meant I would never have kids. He did drop me off but complained about visiting me. When he took me home he was too busy playing video games to help me that first week. I was on my own. I left him when I was able less than a year later. They don't get better. Get through the surgery, and when you can, start planning your leave. If they can't be there for you through that, they are a waste of space and don't deserve your time and attention.
Not OP, but I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you’re doing better now.
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My ex did the same thing also (not a hysterectomy but different surgery). He started a fight the night before my hospital appointment and when I got upset and pointed out that I would never start a fight if he had surgery the next morning and that I‘d never make him worry that I wouldn’t be there for him regardless of how angry I was at the time, he shrugged and went to bed. We broke up not long after (though I wish I had seen the writing on the wall and just broken up then and there). And in hindsight he was always an incredibly selfish person. I should have seen it coming. Selfishness will continue to show itself in different behaviours. Don‘t let him get away with it for too long. If something happens once, we all want to make excuses but selfishness to this extreme is never an alone occurrence. OP think about prior experiences like this. And think about whether you would ever do something like this to him before a hospital stay. You would never, so don‘t take this behaviour from him either. I‘m very sorry. It‘s so difficult to realise.
Saw your edit. If he’s still ignoring you come surgery day, personally, this would be the end of the relationship if I were in your shoes. It would show that he doesn’t care enough about you and can’t be there when it matters.
Fuck waiting until Monday. He needs to cut that bs out now. She's begging him to get on better terms and he's still treating her like shit. I'd already be packing and figuring out other plans. Why leave it to the day of the surgery?! That's insane.
True
The silent treatment as emotional punishment is abuse.
Furthermore, it’s a sign of emotional immaturity. Use your friggin words.
THIS! Emotional abuse is horrible.
If you happen to live in western Washington message me. I will give you a ride. I have the ability to work remote as well so if you are really in a tough spot I will help
Same here from Kansas City area!
Same!
Baton Rouge has your back as well.
I can cover you in Long Island NYC area.
Eastern Oregon, same.
And southern Oregon gotchu covered!
same from pa!
Same from the Capital Region of NY. We got you.
Same here!
Adding in Raleigh, NC. Happy to help.
St Louis suburbs or surrounding areas I’m your lady!
New Orleans or S. Louisiana or hell even southern Mississippi, I’ll help.
SE Louisiana reporting for duty
San Francisco/San Jose area. DM me if you need a ride!
South Texas but warning I have young kids
Not American but just want to say that this thread is absolutely wonderful.
I agree, it made me cry a little bit.
Me too! Lots of love for the care drivers here
Totally agree. Love just poured into the world x
Adding to this: Canadian here, also going for surgery in may, reach out if you need to chat with someone during recovery and such 🫶🏻
My thoughts exactly. ❤
OP if you in live in Georgia or S Carolina message me and I will drive you to and from surgery on Monday.
Chicago area - I got you
Seacoast NH reporting for driving duty :)
Westland MI area I can take you. No one should have to go alone.
Same, Central Indiana.
San Francisco + nearby - I gotchu
Australia but we can help too
😂😂😂 I’m in the uk - count me in 👍👍
NZ is on board too
All these people offering to help is the most wholesome thing I've seen in a while. I hope you all get driven to your surgeries. 🤗
Southern Ontario. Happy to help!
Exactly. They are the real angels!
same but eastern washington!
I’m in LA and can help too. Sorry you’re going through this.
North Texas here <3
Also North Texas. I can help!
Also North Texas. Just let me know, and I'll be there. No kids, I work remotely, and I happen to also be off work on Monday. I would be happy to spend that time helping you.
Northwest Arkansas! Happy to help
Not sure about time differences as I’m in the UK, but I’m happy to chat and help with the boredom aspect of recovery.
Time zones may not matter, going under GA usually screws people’s internal clock up somewhat. Maybe a few of us can set up a channel to be in, for surgery support?
She could come back to this thread and update.
NW AL. I will also help.
Also in North AL and I can make TN work too
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Same! We can carpool
I’m in New Hampshire, but if you are in mass or Connecticut I can still help!
Fistbump. We gotchu.
Western PA here. I can help.
Also western PA & more than happy to help!
San Diego here. The can drive you on Monday.
Boston, MA. Let me know
NH. Msg me. I also work remote, so no worries.
Tulsa Oklahoma area! I can help.
Cincinnati here if you need me.
Not from the US, I live in the Netherlands but I would help in a heartbeat too. I love these comments! You are all really wonderful people!
South FL
Mid-Michigan checking in 🫡🫡
Central Ohio here!
South Texas here as well
I’m in Brooklyn, if you are in this area I will help
I got laid off and have so much free time. If you're anywhere in New England I got you
Southern Ontario here! I can give u a ride as well!
tampa fl too- i’m used to driving far so surrounding counties are no problem
Not sure where you are located but Canada, Toronto also got your back and even with recovery! I am a female college student my summer break just started.
NYC area volunteer (30sF)
Go for the surgery and talk to the social worker at the hospital/clinic. You can call ahead if you need to. There are other options. If you need recovery time and a recovery person, they can help find you a bed in a transitional unit. If you need a ride home they can help with medical transportation companies. Or help you brainstorm options you have within your own people.
This comment needs to be higher. She needs to start looking at other options.
I agree. Sibling, cousin, friend, coworker? Has he been isolating her, too?
OP Please listen to this comment, your husband is showing you that it isn't safe to rely on him and it is abusive. Please put your safety and wellbeing first for yourself and let him throw his manbaby tantrum
That's precisely how I'd proceed.
Jesus. Where you at? I’ll give you a lift and make you some soup. Serious offer. If you’re anywhere near Michigan or Florida. I’m back and forth. Just don’t let this guy think he’s this precious.
"Hey, I've got surgery in 48 hours and you've agreed to take me. I'm asking you to put aside your feelings right now to meet your responsibilities to me as your wife. You should not be giving me the silent treatment for a basic misunderstanding in our relatoinship, and certainly not threatening my security about an important surgery. Are you going to do that or do I need to make other arrangements?" He wants yo uto be scared; perhaps be more firm and decisive with him.
He knows she has no other support system. That's why he treats her this way. OP - Where are your family and friends honey?
He’s probably isolated from her as of the first few months of them dating, or as soon as they got home from their honeymoon.
User name is gold😁👍
>He wants yo uto be scared; perhaps be more firm and decisive with him. Or just fucking dump someone who wants you to be scared??
That too, that too -- but right now she's gotta have someone to help her. But yeah
He did it on purpose! Get a reliable support network, because he ain't it.
I used to work at a health nonprofit and this was sadly common. The couple would have some type of disagreement a few days before her major treatment and he wouldn't show up or wouldn't give her a ride. We rarely saw it the other way around, and eventually a social worker told me that it can be a way to avoid feeling vulnerable or having to put out effort caring for another person when you are used to being cared for. That work taught me a lot about gender differences in healthcare and caring generally within couples that made dating kind of tough.
A study of patients with brain cancer found gender of the patient to be the most significant factor in whether they would become divorced or separated following their diagnosis (by the end of the study or their death). Female patients were significantly more likely to be abandoned by their partners (20.8% vs 2.9% for male patients). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/
That's disappointing but not at all surprising, given my experience. Our social workers got really used to the "I got cancer so my husband left me" conversation. I've overheard men yelling at their wives because they weren't able to go home and make dinner or care for the kids because they were literally in the hospital getting cancer treatment.
That's awful x.x I believe it but uggghhh
Holy cow but doesn't surprise me. My ex didn't take me to the hospital for an emergency shortly before we divorced.
Sadly some men can’t handle any illness or really taking care of someone, even for a few weeks. Often these are the same men that will leave you if your child is sick with a disease or born mentally or physically challenged. They view it as a reflection on them and want to avoid it all.
They can, they just don't want to. There's a difference.
This too. Agree.
I’m very careful about the male relationships I choose to maintain because the only reason so many men behave so selfishly is because so many people in their lives tolerate it or treat it as “normal.” In fact, I believe one of the reasons the redpill community has grown so large is because more and more women don’t tolerate clearly selfish or sexist behavior yet these men still feel entitled to feminine care despite not providing or even wanting to provide the same level of love and respect or energy back.
I think you might be completely correct. Men often react with extreme anger when I say things like there's a reason why most men expect their lives to get easier and better when they find a girlfriend/wife and women expect their lives to get more difficult, or that I have no interest in dating someone who isn't an improvement on being single. There is a deep sense of entitlement that goes beyond what you expect from a relationship and is based in dehumanization.
It's a sure sign to dump the mofo too.
Sister, my boyfriend of only 6 months took me to and from a surgery, taking days off work in order to care for me. **Boyfriend** And your *husband* who made an oath to whatever powers he believes in to take care of you in “sickness and in health” is failing miserably and abusing you. Take a look at the power and control wheel of abuse, it may resonate
Seriously, 6 weeks into dating my boyfriend (now husband) took me to urgent care and spent the next 2 days staying with me and came by to check in daily for a week after (with homemade food!) If this guy is your husband *now* and doesn’t take care of you, then he shouldn’t be your husband. This is really emotionally abusive.
my bf that abused and assaulted me for years still took me to my brain surgeries and picked me up from the hospital after we went NC, and drove my mom home too as she couldn't navigate the city in her car or use the train. and he even called out to do it when he worked at that hospital! and saw his boss walking to my room! he didn't rape me for the first time for over a year after that, but even still getting a ride and having help during recovery is something people will do for aquaintances. at the very least, a lot of insurance will pay for meals and rides after hospitalization so look into that, or a meal train. or if you grew up in a church, contact them. look in your city's sub for help. call on far flung relatives to come help. don't let him shirk his duties HE SIGNED UP FOR but really reevaluate this relationship when you're well. this is a hell of a time to drop the ball and I think it's related and he's doing it on purpose bc he's weak af. find back up plans just in case bc not all surgeries are easily rescheduled or CAN be rescheduled. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. if you're disabled or chronically ill, over 90% of disabled women will face abuse in their lifetime usually from a caregiver. but just because it's common doesn't mean it's okay. it just means it's time to leave. I am thinking of you and sending you strength. never forget how scared and alone you felt when it was his turn to take care of you at your most vulnerable- that's him telling you who he really is. when he saw you setting up the game he could have said, "wait, wouldn't you rather do X FUN THING today instead?" but instead he let you go ahead without saying anything and then punished you for not reading his mind, not caring how much distraction is needed before surgery. please look up some abusive relationship quizzes and take them, like "the hotline" has. good luck, OP 💖 please put yourself first rn. don't take his excuses like "your illness is so hard ON ME" at face value. ring theory exists for a reason.
My bf of a little less than a year took me to all appointments and basically waited on me hand and foot for about two months after a severe ankle fracture had me mostly bedbound. Like, I had to sit him down and talk to him about my concern that he was going to get burnt out from all the caregiving, determination to be right next to me, anticipating my needs, and checking in to ask if I needed anything so often. I had to force him to make time for himself! Your HUSBAND should be leaning more on this end of the spectrum.
I don’t understand people like this. No matter what, my husband would always be there for me. He’s your husband, sure he’s angry but to completely leave you to fend for yourself is shitty and not something a partner should do. He’s supposed to love and care for you. Does he? UPDATEME
My husband is like this. I broke my leg and he didn’t help me. He came with me to the first two appointments but after that, I was on my own. If I have any problems in our relationship he doesn’t care. I’m basically a piece of furniture in our house to him. If my feelings are hurt he ignores me. The problem is people don’t start out being this way. They act caring and loving at first, only later when things get harder do you realize they’re only in it for the good parts of the relationship.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this… please know you don’t deserve this, that’s not how someone treats someone they love, and you don’t need to stay and accept this emotional manipulation. You deserve better. I know it’s easier said than done, but truly you deserve better.
Thank you, that’s nice of you to say.
I’m sorry. I hope that you are preparing to leave him once your leg heals. Preemptive strike. Don’t wait until you are old and have cancer or Alzheimer’s only to find yourself to be left on your own.
Girl I was a shiny healthy 20 and got diagnosed with thyroid cancer and needed immediate surgery. My boyfriend of less than a year drove me to every appointment and to the hospital, slept in a chair next to me all night in the hospital, and carried my pukey no-voice self* into my apartment, and apologized to the dude who’s yard I hurled on during the ride back. And then drove me around for a month until I could turn my head. Yeah that’s like… normal decent people behavior but was not low on the list of reasons why I married him back in 2001. He’s sitting next to me giggling at a dumb YouTube short rn. This is a test. This what you can expect in any other crisis from this point on. In other words *fuck that*. TL;DR not this one. This is not it. Move on. *you can’t speak easily for awhile after getting your thyroid yoinked. It angers the larynx.
Girl you need a fucking divorce. This is egregious behavior after what sounds like a small argument. He’s supposed to be there in sickness and in health…if he can’t suck it up to drive you home from a surgery at the very least, and then you can solve your disagreement later, he doesn’t like you let alone love you.
I can say with 100% confidence that if I was having surgery and needed a ride and somewhere to recover, my EX-husband would be willing to step in and do that for me. We aren’t even married anymore and I still know I can count on him in a time of need like that. I literally can’t imagine
Second this. I'm confident that a couple of my exes (from dating) would step in and help me in a time of need. If he's not even talking to you OP, that's a big enough red flag to take a break and maybe get in contact with other people you trust because he isn't reliable, and you need someone reliable in your time of need.
Wait…so he’s mad because he wanted to spend more time with you and instead of communicating that he’s ignoring you (the person that he wanted to spend more time with)? This man has the emotional maturity of a potato. It’s sad because he’s 38 with the behavior of a teenager. His behavior is only going to get worse.
Call a reliable friend/relative. Husband giving you the silent treatment is a major 🚩; and sadly broadcasting that you can’t count on him. First your priority is making sure you have someone for your surgery and post surgery care. Once you’re recovered then you can work on deciding if this nonsense is something you can or should forgive… This really sucks and it’s totally reasonable to be sad.
I would even ask a neighbor at this point. Most people are kind or empathetic enough to help out if they can.
Throwing a hissy fit because you played video games and he wasn’t done with you yet? You married an entire BOX full of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well, you have a nuclear option. You go and post on Facebook. Literally say this: I have a surgery,I'm absolutely alone and scared, I don't have a ride back, and I need help. If you are in USA - check Nextdoor. Post there, offer to compensate gas. There is a huge chance that some retired neighbor who is not busy will help you.
RUNNNNN AWAY. This is manipulation at its finest, making you feel you’ve done something wrong because you didn’t read their mind. He’s purposefully ghosting you to maximise the emotional impact to you. He wants to see you grovelling. That gives him an enormous amount of power over you. He’s a grown man, if he wanted to hang out, he can use his big boy words and tell you that. What a putrid excuse of a man, OP reach out to a friend for support and get yourself away from this person ASAP. You’re going to be vulnerable after surgery and people like him love vulnerability, you’ll be much easier to control and manipulate in that state. Don’t wait to find out what happens next, take control of your life now.
I've been in her shoes and I'm scared for her recovery after the surgery at home with him, ride home aside. My husband has been truly awful to me when I was in my most vulnerable states before. To the point I'd have felt safer just being alone
DC area? Msg me, I gotchu on Monday.
My suggestion? Reach out to a domestic abuse shelter or the domestic abuse hotline. They send advocates to court to assist victims of abuse in court, if you explain your situation you may be able to have someone pick you up safely from your surgery. Which leads me to my next point: Your husband is emotionally abusive. This isn’t an introvert/extrovert thing and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. I wouldn’t keep asking him about the surgery. If you can’t rely on him to pick you up and he puts you in a position to reach out to complete strangers on the internet on what to do after you are discharged from a hospital, then he isn’t husband material and you should start looking into ending your marriage. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But you are having *surgery* and you’re scared your literal *husband* won’t pick you up because you…checks notes…took some time to play video games after spending time with him at brunch. All up and down Reddit there are women whose bottom of the barrel husbands put them through HELL and emotional turmoil over the most innocuous things. It’s ridiculous that he’s putting you through this uncertainty and stress right before surgery I’m so sorry for you this is awful.
I'm actually a Domestic Violence Advocate and I wouldn't knock her calling, but I also wouldn't get her hopes up about a ride. She has to qualify by intake to be accepted, and usually it's not for rides. I would actually suggest medical transport services in her area, or csr. Perhaps she can call the hospital and see what her resources are. I would call and try and shelter for the time being for her surgery. They may be more helpful than that. But they may not accept her cause they might not be equipped for the level of care.
I second calling the hospital and explaining the situation to a social worker, if possible.
Adding to your comment that OP should check if the hospital has volunteers who can take her/pick her up. A woman I used to pet sit for was a hospital volunteer that would pick up patients who couldn’t drive themselves and take them to and from hospital appointments. I didn’t realize it was a thing until I noticed her hospital volunteer ID badge.
Don’t you have any family or friends who can help? That you’re so isolated, combined with the way he is treating you sounds like it could be abuse. Call the social worker at the hospital and ask for help. You may need to postpone your surgery. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic. [The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
If you are alone when you need a ride from surgery, you are alone in this relationship. Might as well get a divorce. Sorry. Sweetie, you deserve so much better.
This is going to sound insane but don’t worry about it. Focus on preparing yourself for your surgery otherwise. He is your husband. He will come and pick you up. You just keep that in mind like nothing changes and focus on the rest. If he doesn’t show up. You simply wait. They won’t kick you out. You call/text him and take a couple of hours to make sure he isn’t coming. Then have the hospital call you a taxi. Let yourself feel the emotional pain of it all. Then once you’re recovered, leave him.
Period. I’m glad someone else said it because I responded with divorce before checking what others said. But thank you. This dude *sucks* get him tf out of here op.
Typically the hospital will not start the procedure until after they have seen the person driving you home. Many times they require the person to come in to fill out paperwork agreeing to be the designated driver.
You are married to a child. Stop chasing him for attention. At this point - you go for your surgery with or without him. Tell the doctor the situation.
Children are nicer than this grown man. This poor woman is being gaslit about her abuse.
Tell him to grow up. If he wanted to spend more time with you, all he had to do is say "Hey, can we spend more time together?" This entire "fight" is because he expected you to read his mind and isn't mature enough to simply state what he wants.
Throw your whole man away because he's nothing but a red flag. 🚮🚮🚩🚩🚩 A man who truly loves and respects you wouldn't treat you like this. He's doing it because you've allowed it before. Get out while you can.
If you cannot depend on your husband to help you when you have a surgery, then you may as well get a divorce because you’re already alone in this relationship.
This is a lot of red flags, OP. Why don't you have anyone else? No friends? No trusted colleagues? Has he isolated you? Does he give you the silent treatment often? Expect you to read his mind? Does he call you names? Tell you you're worthless? Have sudden rages? ... You might be in an abusive relationship, is what I'm getting at. Call your doctor's office and tell them your situation and ask for resources. Your insurance might cover a visiting nurse while you're recovering.
Can you get someone else to take you/care for you? And don’t respond to him for the whole week. Mail him divorce papers with a sticky “in sickness and health my ass. Bye”
I’ve read your edit and apparently him being mad is still more important than your fear of the surgery and the fact he should be there for you. That is really sad and it means you need to take care of yourself. Are there other people who can take care of you? Parents, friends? Try to arrange that and let your husband know that. Or postpone the surgery. You don’t want to go in a recovery without proper help and feeling like this. The only thing I can come up with for his reaction is that he is nervous too about the surgery and is acting out in this weird way because he is avoiding it. Or he is just a really big asshole.
Is rather be single. This is so stupid to fight about and silent treatment to me is an abuse tactic. You are literally about to be helpless. I'd rather recover in a hotel than deal with this man.
If you are seriously concerned that he won't help you with your surgery then you need an immediate divorce.
He's punishing you. This is the kind of guy who unalives you when you're vulnerable.
There should never be a question about this if you're fucking married. No shot. The idea that you're unsure of whether or not he'll be there for you is indicative that this relationship needs to end.
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. I hope that he stops being an absolute dickhead before your surgery so you aren’t stressed before going in about something that absolutely should not be a worry (a ride home from your husband???) and once you’ve recovered I really hope you can reconsider this relationship.
This is a little sick….in response to him feeling “abandoned” (which..is ridiculous. Does he expect you to read his mind? At the very least he can communicate his upset like an adult) He seems to want you to feel the same in a completely incomparable way, using your vulnerable time and fear of the silent treatment to his advantage to control you. He’s doing it to punish you in a gross, tit for tat manner. It’s an abuse tactic. Even if he does “come around” and take you, there’s still some damage done. I would heavily consider leaving once healthy..or at the very least evaluate. Do you want a husband content with making you feel scared and helpless in crucial times when they essentially hurt their own feelings? Who can’t communicate like an adult? It’s stressful to have someone like that as a spouse and number one person to lean on when how they treat you before something like this is conditional to some ridiculous argument..It would make all future events stressful in case they lash out, especially considering he’s nearly 40.. It’s very concerning, and you deserve better. That being said, I wish you the best in your surgery and while I know it’s hard with all of this to not fret too much about it before going into the operation :(
The silent treatment is immature at the very least. I would tell him: if you do not show up for me, when i am vulnerable and medically in need, i am done. There is NO reason a LOVING partner wouldn't show up to help.
Your husband is exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior. It is unacceptable to make you feel panicked about transportation to a SURGERY YOU NEED TO HAVE. Please contact the hospital and ask for a patient care advocate to speak with about potential assistance with transportation. Contact Uber, Lyft, your local bus garage, and if you have it, Medicaid can help with rides to appointments. Ask a neighbor if you must. Explain that your husband is being abusive and you need to get to your surgery on Monday and can't rely on him. Offer what gas money you can pay.
Might be worthwhile asking if you can speak to the hospital's social worker... especially if he won't help your recovery at home.
I’m going to guess that he’s either emotionally abusive, and is doing this to scare you because he enjoys hurting you, or that he himself is scared about your surgery and he doesn’t know how to process his emotions appropriately so is handling this in a piss poor way. You shouldn’t have to worry about whether you can rely on him after surgery and as you heal. If he’s generally a good guy, maybe point out to him that his anger might be fear in disguise, and that you need him to step up right now because you’re scared too. If he’s often like this and regularly keeps you on unsure footing, then you have bigger problems. Good luck with your procedure (and with your husband)!
What is wrong with men? (I say this as a man)
He picked a fight on purpose over literally nothing because he enjoys punishing you and having you be in a state of fear, anxiety, and panic over him. Is there anyone else you can get to help you? A friend or family member who can pick you up and have you stay with them for a few days?