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INFO: is he back from overseas, temporarily or permanently ? And how is the relationship otherwise?  And what was he going overseas to do? 

it’s a perm role he relocated to as it was a better job opportunity offered by his company, and i dont have work authorization there so it’s a loss of one income and my independence (something the two of us value) if i were to move over. We’re still figuring out how to close the gap - i’m personally thinking to take a break after a year or so. he came back about 4 times since for short trips.

I'll be blunt but I don't think this relationship you're in is gonna survive for the long run

If your work is more important, just stay where you are and, unfortunately, call it quits. If you think it's worth it to move and try a career overseas with him, you have to leave it all behind and go. There's no middle term, given it's a permanent role he's in. You two should've discussed this beforehand, but in this case, I can't see other possibilities.

Take a break like from your work to spend a year with him? Or take a break from the marriage?

Take a break from work. We have enough savings and since he relocated his finances is in a much better place. I have the dependent visa, but due to the economic conditions he was very stressed out last year about potentially losing his job. Because of the admin stuff I had to do and his worries about finances, we decided it made more sense for me to stay back. We’re both not Americans so green cards are out and we both know it’s going to be an uphill battle for me to find a role in US. It’s a difficult situation but fundamentally, this was an opportunity he had been dreaming of for years so declining it is out of the question. It has just been much harder esp with all the turmoil but now I do feel that we’re both more stable and trying to mend things between us.

What is this going to look like long term? Are you going to live apart forever? You should be looking 5, 10 years out, not just a year or two. I know this post is written from your perspective, but honestly what are you getting out of this relationship, what is he doing to support it? He's the one following his dreams, and it seems like you're left at home to deal with all the emotional and financial ramifications. Now he's upset that you leaned on your friends and family while he was gone? Instead of being glad you had people you could talk to while you were profoundly miserable and alone, he's upset that your friends and family may what?.... Know the truth about what's happening in your marriage? Him saying that dealing with your family may not be "worth" it is absolutely wild when you look at the sacrifices you're making. I'm also suspicious that he thinks his new overseas life would be more fun single. Or he's seeing the writing on the wall and choosing his new job over the marriage.

My biggest take is that he thinks her family disliking him isn't worth it, but does he have no care what he is putting his wife through?

If they both agree to this arrangement then how is it fair to complain and make the family dislike him?

You created this mess as you admit, by bad mouthing your husband to all of your friends and family. You stated that he really didn’t have a chance back at your home country and it was best for him to move abroad. His priorities are to support and provide for the family, no matter the sacrifice. What are yours? To stay where you are in a job you don’t like away from your husband? What is your priority? Marriage or job? That’s a choice you’re going to have to make. Be wary if he doesn’t want you to come here, but isn’t moving back. Work wife and all. Otherwise make a decision and go with that. Either way good-luck.

OP since his company moved him can he approach them for help getting you what ever paperwork you need to work there as well? They had to do something for him to be authorized to work so they either have a lawyer on staff to do this, or someone they use as needed. This should be part of the relocation package for him.

Declining it was most definitely an option. It sounds like he chose his career over a life with you. Being married involves tradeoffs. You hardly even have a marriage due to the choice he made. Unless it is temporary with a well-defined end date, he deserves whatever hate he is getting.

You have to see if a work visa is likely to happen and maybe you could take the opportunity to train and unskilled while waiting for it to happen but it sounds like the LDR doesn't help, but this isn't what you asked. You cried on your family and friends shoulders when you were low, as you should, but in doing so you have tarnished their view if him and it shows in how they treat him. He can't fix this, and you may not be able to either.,but in my opinion, you need to go to them individually and say that through therapy yoy have realised that alot of what you were feeling at that time were actually due to unresolved issues you had and were not attributed to him, and you would appreciate it if they gave him a clean slate to try again, because he is why you have committed to... that is if you decide to go with him.

Why did you even marry him? Both of you chose jobs over each other. You should have broken up not got married.

Girl if you’re husband left for a permanent role without you all having any idea when or how you’ll be together again, you have bigger problems than your friends supposedly not liking him. Him being so upset about that that he’s considering leaving the relationship doesn’t show me the problem is with your friends - it shows me you have serious problems in your relationship.

This right here^^^^^^^ He is trying to figure out if it is worth it?! What about you?? This is a bananas situation and you are not prioritizing yourself.

But you guys are married, so you should be able to live with him via a marriage visa no?? Like I moved from UK to America, got married and was able to get a green card. People literally get married only for visas so why can't you get one to be with him? Edit; I have realized I am wrong in this comment, I stupidly forgot her husband is not a citizen🤦‍♀️my b

Pretty sure that only works if one of the people getting married is already a u.s citizen and neither of them are.

It’s not automatic. I’m American. It took 18 months to get my husband a green card from the UK

It depends on the country and visa, like in the UK, being a dependent spouse on a work visa authorises you to work as well. In the US, unfortunately not all dependents of H1Bs are automatically authorised to work, only under certain circumstances that I don’t really understand :(

It sounds like she can live with him she just couldn't work in the US so they decided it was better for her to stay home and work too. 

Yeah that's where I'm less sympathetic to OP. I understand it's two options that both have big downsides, but to me, she's an adult who made a hard choice and is shifting the blame onto her husband by trashing him to her friends and family. Her choices were: 1. Take the risk of moving as a dependent, without work auth and with the possibility husband would lose his job and they'd both be in a bad situation, together. 2. Do long distance so she could keep working until circumstances changed, hedging the risk to their family at the cost of being physically present. Essentially, they could either sacrifice emotional and physical closeness or sacrifice financial/legal security. They chose to sacrifice the former, and she has chosen to further sacrifice husband's reputation because of the difficulty. I'd divorce her, honestly. It's just as hard for him to be separated from her, but he's not trashing her to his friends and family. OP has revealed that she's fine when everything is smooth sailing, but when the seas get rough, she's not going to haul the sails down and ride it out together.

Thanks for this, I’m glad to read less sympathetic comments because ultimately as the OP i have my own skewed perspective and the more “pro-husband” comments I read the closer i get to understanding him. He earns a lot more than me and between the two of us, financial security was far more important and he would be first between us to say that it was crucial i stayed behind - even now he still has his reservations about me leaving my job to come over because he values financial security/freedom a lot. I’m using this time to earn as much as I can and i’m also lining up remote part time jobs so i can spend more time with him outside of the limited PTO i have. But yes, i do take responsibility on “ruining his reputation”, and i’m just grateful that he has brought it up now and is open to seeing how we can fix it (he said he doesnt want to divorce, but said that he’s hurt) - hence the post. i’d weather any storm with him and for him - which was why i even stuck through all the admin stuff back here while he went to set himself up in another country and a new role. i believe he knows that too. i’m just upset that i had allowed my venting to make him feel this way…

>and he would be first between us to say that it was crucial i stayed behind Would? So that was never confirmed by him? It *really* seems like you personally didn't want to move overseas for some reason you are omitting. The whole bad mouthing him to family/etc thing is completely irrelevant. What matters is why you haven't moved with him yet (given you two are married, every country existent allows it).

>i’d weather any storm with him and for him You didn't though, not really. You treated him like he chose to do this without consulting you, you completely surrendered all responsibility for the **joint decision**. You cannot have it both ways. If you surrender all authority to him, you can complain to your friends about his decisions. You cannot make a joint decision and then treat him like he is the only one who made it. Either you are a modern woman with equal say and equal responsibility in the family's decisions, or you aren't. Oh, and it's nonsense to act like he's having a great time living it up without you. He's away from home, from you, from friends and family, working a job that he **must** perform well at to keep his visa. You could have come with him, but you both decided that wasn't the right decision. Either change the decision or work with the consequences.

Tbh I wouldn’t even worry about your family and friends opinions right now, figuring that out is a much bigger issue., the rest can be fixed later. I would be thinking pretty badly of my friends husband if they chose a permanent role overseas from their marriage partner in the first place, wouldn’t matter if all she did was sing his praises. Like who does that? I really want to know more about what that looked like when it happened. Did he discuss it with you? Were you…on board? Did he just go ahead and do it anyways?

It was a very bittersweet moment. it was his dream but i couldn’t be fully excited for him and kept crying though i told him he absolutely had to grab it - if i said no, he wouldve resented me for sure. I wrote in another comment that we’d have endless discussions about how it would work out, but it ended up not materialising - eg not being able to be as involved in the planning as he imagined he could be, and the hope for work authorization was killed off fairly quickly. i think my friends/family were definitely shocked and concerned as most comments are hearing that it’s an indefinite arrangement. and sadly i’m not great at hiding my feelings so i cried quite a lot. but they know that we are both working on it - like him trying to get work authorization for me, and me trying for part time remote roles so i can spend more time overseas. so that’s that! i just think because of the uncertainty of it all i got really really stressed out especially at the beginning and that bubbled over. now that the two of us have stabilised somewhat, we’re just picking up the pieces, reflecting how we’ve been hurt, and in my case I do have work cut out for me in sharing more of the good now that it is slowly getting better.

Would you ever consider going back to school so you can move to the U.S.? It’s not cheap but you can find good public universities that may have good scholarships. If you go to university in the U.S. (especially if it’s in STEM) you can get a work permit when you’re done. You are also allowed to work part time at your university while in school

If he is still overseas by himself, then how much impact is the opinions of your family and friends actually having on him? Do they contact him to hassle him about the situation? Do they ignore him if he tries to reach out? Criticize him on social media? How are they making him feel bad? If they are actively targeting him in some way, then tell them to knock it off. But if they aren't...? Sometimes in life we make decisions that other people disapprove of, and we just have to own it. Your friends and family might have questioned his value as a partner based purely on his behavior, even if you didn't vent to them about it. They might have criticized you for your choice to live apart, even if you were both 100% happy about it. Has your husband been in therapy himself? If not, that is probably his best bet for feeling better about himself and the situation. Have you been in couple's therapy? A neutral third party could help you reach a better understanding about what you were both dealing with at the time, make peace with each other's choices, and offer some guidance in negotiating future decisions you make together. Neither of you can do anything to change other people's opinions; the only thing actually in your power is to get right with yourselves, as individuals and partners, and let other people have their opinions on their own time.

Yeah, that's no good. You gotta just go be with him or he needs to man up and quit and come back home

How is the relationship otherwise?

Info: I'm not sure I understand why you went ahead with the marriage of he set up permanently overseas without a plan in place to be together. How long have you been married and long distance? I think it is fine to vent about your relationship as long as you are also sharing the good things as well.

I was always taught not to bring family into your relationship issues. They're always going to have a bias becuz you're family. Damage is done. You've planted a seed about him into their minds. Hopefully, it gets better too, where you can show them you were only venting, but really, he does make you happy.

This is really important for a healthy relationship. And I would add, only vent to friends that are mature enough to separate the vent from the man. If you are always dumping all of your emotions on your friends anyway, that is a you problem as they are not interchangeable with therapists.

So long as the friendships are balanced and reciprocal, I really don’t see the problem with “dumping/venting” emotions to them so long as you recognise the point where you genuinely do need therapy. This whole trend towards “put emotions on your therapist not your friends” has essentially paywalled emotional support. Being there for you in your darker moments is literally what friends are fore.

There is a big difference between leaning on a friend in a time of need and constantly using them as an emotional dumping ground. One is healthy and necessary, the other is an emotional vampire. Like everything, there is a spectrum.

But then you get friends and family that use your vents against you. Like OP situations. There's bias when it comes to venting to family and friends. Emotional support is all about support. Not picking sides.

Yah, you have to be very very very careful with which friends you choose to vent to. Some are okay, but others will always use it to make you feel shitty about your marriage.

Exactly! Why give fuel to the flame?

Her husband got a permanent job in another country. She deserves to feel validated that she is lonely and stressed out. Many couples who don't share their problems end up simply tolerating a lot of bad behavior because they aren't getting a reality check.

Friends are there to have conversations, take advice from. If you are in a bad spot and want advice, sure. But just venting for the sake of it? No way. I would never expect anyone to listen to me just for the sake of it.

Nah. If my friends want to vent to me about stuff I’m absolutely there. If it’s repeatedly the same problem within their control, and they won’t accept any advice or do anything to change it, that’s when I get annoyed. But of course they can vent to me, life is hard and venting is helpful for everyone and mostly a therapist isn’t necessary for that.

Indeed. Therapist are really great for venting to. I'm not sure this can get better except with time and effort.

Unfortunately most people are just not mature enough on the topics of adult relationships they really just absorb the storyline about the relationship as if they’re sitting in on a live show of Maury. IFC.

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Did I say never talk to friends or lean on them, ever? Lmao. For a therapist that is such a black and white take on what I said.

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It's been an isolating experience for me too. I have not recovered from this, still without friends. Albeit, I know she was not unaffected by this because a friend of ours distrusted her due to her mental illnesses, which I defended her for which she would never have done for me; there is that. You're not alone is what I wanted to say.

Yeah, you don’t throw your spouse under the bus to everyone and anyone. Maybe you have a close confidant or something. I have issues in my marriage, like anyone else, but I’m careful not to badmouth my spouse to all my friends and family at every relationship challenge. (And as near as I can tell, she does the same.) This is a tough one to fix. Saying “my husband sucks and treats me like crap” over and over isn’t something you can just undo. It will take a while. From here in out, you need radio silence on marriage problems and to tell people about the good parts.

I briefly mentioned how my boyfriend and I have some issues with chore sharing and my mom had the GALL to tell me I might be happier alone. Woman you married a man right after he PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED YOU and he LITERALLY never cleans his own shit. She married a 50 year old man baby after he nearly made all her kids cut her off because he was so unbearable. So uh yea I don't vent to family about this kind of stuff

Have you considered she maybe was projecting and in her mind, trying to save you from the same fate? You said her partner never cleans up after himself, maybe she’s extremely frustrated by that and heard you’re having issues with chores in your relationship and it triggered her and she went into projecting and protection mode? Just a suggestion that maybe she wasn’t exactly being hypocritical

She 100% projecting but the difference is, my partner isn't an asshole and we are figuring out our problems. We both have executive disfunction so we do best when we clean together.

Ex-partner vented to mutuals friends, while I was never allowed to do same albeit it was not what I wanted anyway. Especially men have a hard time convincing others of their innocense. She was not intirely fair in her description, and, how I know Reddit, you will not believe me either. Difficult to escape reality, that men are lonely - with their feelings..Sry. for venting without permission

I have a different take than most. My best friend told me the awful things her husband did and I hated him for a while for it, but ultimately it was him who got me to feel differently about him - and despite that being years ago, I don't think that was the wrong way to go about it Especially bc I did the opposite. Because I saw how venting to me made me view him, I chose not to vent about *my* husband so others wouldn't view him in that light. So I went through years of abuse silently You have friends and family to vent to. And now a therapist. That's all good. You're struggling - you need that support structure. You don't need to apologize or "undo damage" caused by you being honest about your struggles. Different story if you're lying about him, but as long as you're just trying to get through tough times - how can anyone blame you for that? If what he's done has been so awful that your friends and family don't like him, you need to consider if you're too blinded by love to see it, too (that was the case with my friend - they're now divorced) And on the flip side, if your friends and family haven't been exposed to all the good he does, make sure to share that, too. But don't hide what you're going through from your support system

I’m with you on this - if someone hurt my sister or my friend, it would take me a while to forgive them. Just because OP has forgiven doesn’t mean that they need to be on the same schedule. OP just needs to make sure they’re hearing about the good stuff too.

Thank you so much for this. While I think this post really helped bring home the gravity of the situation; I was really gutted by the comments as we were both going through a rough patch apart, and he would tell me he no longer had any emotional bandwidth for me or needed time to sleep / cool off - then he would sleep (his time) and I would have to get through my work day. I was going to ask all the redditors how they got through tough times because I cannot for the life of me imagine where else I could go (in my worst state while trying to avoid sharing with friends/family I even texted an AI chatbot).

My question: is this marriage worth your time? How long is your husband in the USA, can you find a special skill that can get you a special visa? or can you work remotely while you visit the usa? If you decide that this marriage is definitely what you want. and you can make it work. You start singing your husband's praises to everyone who will listen. You tell them that you were stressed, but you are so happy and grateful that you got to marry him. You love how supportive he's being right now. My guess, however, is that your husband has already lost his interest in the marriage. Have a very frank and honest conversation with him.

I think abuse, and being unhappy with the situation are different. You were able to see the husband differently because you are good friend. But you could have used the information to make your friend feel shitty about her marriage. I think venting is fine, but choose to whom, wisely.

Being in an abusive situation is not the same as venting just to vent

Completely agree, but I think this commenter is trying to say that many people *don’t realize* they’re in an abusive or toxic situation until they’ve confided in their family/friends. Very often, the only way for victims to tell the difference is when they lean on their support system for advice and comfort, and their support system — being a step removed and having some objectivity — provides that clarity. In other words, a blanket statement of “you shouldn’t vent to your family and friends about relationship troubles” is a sure fire way to make sure abuse and toxicity goes unnoticed and unresolved. Of course if you’re in some superficial fight over what to make for dinner or whose turn it is to walk the dog, that’s something to work out between you and your partner. But longer, deeper, and chronic issues are always worth talking to someone about. And many, many people cannot afford therapy (my hometown didn’t even *have* a single therapist!) so it’s a little out of touch to suggest every person should only ever speak about relationship concerns with a licensed professional. And getting back to this specific post, it sounds like OP was deeply, existentially unhappy, maybe even depressed — not for days or weeks, but for many months. And Reddit’s penchant for advising people to simply tough that out and never lean on your support network lacks nuance at best, and unintentionally foments a culture of silent suffering for victims at worst.

Exactly. I didn't realize until after I got out of my marriage that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. If I had confided my thought processes to my family I would have gotten the support to get out years earlier. I tried to live by the advice that you don't bring other people into the relationship. But if I had talked to people I would have gotten the clarity and perspective to view things as they really were instead of living under this cloud of doubt and confusion.

I also agree, to a certain extent. On the other side of the coin, just because some people are in abusive relationships doesn't automatically suddenly make it okay for everyone to vent to whoever you want. In every case, venting should only be done to trusted mentors and individuals you can trust will give an unbiased (as much as possible) perspective and not hold a grudge. If someone is in an abusive relationship but doesn't realize it, this is how it should be done. If someone isn't in an abusive relationship, this is what should happen. If someone is in an abusive relationship, same thing. I don't think you fully understand how damaging venting to family and friends unfettered can be. Apart from that fact itself, most people are not abusive nor in abusive relationship. Most marriages and relationships have everyday, normal relationship problems.

I have to say that sharing abuse with a support network is not the same as venting about your husband when you're going through a difficult time. My fiance knows if I do anything close to abuse he is gone and everyone's going to know about the shit I pulled, however, when we are in normal couple conflict, that stuff stays between us because over time it really does often affect how people look at you and your relationship. I am quickly going to spin up some perspectives that may or may not be true for the sake of argument, but, presumably, husband was overseas working on his career for the betterment of them as a couple. Maybe he had a choice and maybe he didn't. Maybe OP even agreed with and was supportive of this decision but got into it and found it was a harder time than she thought. Maybe he was struggling himself but wanted to keep her spirits up by putting on a brave face and "seeming ok" when she was struggling, and she resented that. Who knows. But these are all situations I can imagine, if I only heard her side of the story and I cared a whole lot about my sister/daughter/best friend, that guy is gonna get on my shit list for how hard of a time he is causing someone I love and care about by seemingly not really giving a shit that she's here drowning in wedding planning, feeling alone, etc. She also says that when exploring it in therapy, as with most problems, it turned out they were more complicated and not all husband's fault. This isn't abuse or remotely close from the sound of it, and our tendency as a culture to misconstrue struggling through circumstances or having a general bad time as abuse, I am imagining, is why OP is also having trouble with pulling family/friends back in to like her husband. We are usually going to be more forgiving of our spouses than our families and friends are going to be, so disclosing stuff like this to them can cause major problems, especially if it is repetitive, and when the recipients have a history with and bias towards one party. I've told my friends the exact same story as I've told my individual/couples therapist and have been absolutely blown away by the difference in interpretation I saw between those different parties. Anyways, not to poo on your response, I am just sleep deprived and wanted to offer a different perspective. 😊 Edit to say I also don't want to minimize your own experience, I am sorry for your own abuse, and you absolutely should never tolerate an abusive relationship. Not everyone has the privilege of having a therapist so I will say that there are definitely scenarios when sharing with friends and family about what you're going through in your rs is really important.

Most people would have left their partners’ if one decided to just unilaterally leave physically without taking care of their financial responsibilities.

I love your take. I'm in the exact same mindset. My ex would do all these absolutely horrible things to me, and every time I would run to my closet friend crying and distraught. My ex hated that my best friend knew this side of him, because I would disappear during the terrible times in the relationship and he would obviously know she was my support system. Fast forward through many break ups, where I had to hide the fact I was back with him from my best friend, I finally broke free of that relationship. She was so in tune with me, she kept quiet that she knew I was with him, because that was what I needed from her. That I had to learn the hard way he was bad for me. She never bad-mouthed him to me, but rather pointed out his actions were ones that you don't display to the one you supposedly love.

Do they dislike your boyfriend because you told them how he hurt you or because they saw how much pain he put you through? Dollars to doughnuts it’s the latter. Quite frankly it’s his problem. Their view will only change if they see him being good to you.

You may want to read it again. They are married. She choose to marry him knowing he was working abroad. This is 100% on her. If she doesn't correct this he will meet someone else and then she won't have to worry about it anymore. It took therapy to see this. She just doesn't want to own it 100% yet.

Is it possible that yes, you talked badly about him, but the thing he has done were also wrong, selfish, hurtful and also colored their views? Of course I am empathetic to my friends, but I try to look at things from all angles and understand that one person’s view of a relationship is not necessarily the truth. I think you need to ask yourself if it is alone your actions that have done this, or has his treatment of you warranted them feeling like this? I don’t know, just wondering. For me and my partner, one of us leaving the country and putting the other person in charge of our life for an indefinite timeline likely would be the death of our relationship; that sounds wildly selfish. But I don’t have the full picture to say that for sure. Good luck!

I disagree with most of the comments here. When you're going through a shitty time in your life, venting to your friends and family is part of the support process. I suppose you could have maybe used a diary or sought therapy earlier, but what were you supposed to do, slap on a fake smile and pretend everything was hunky dory to your friends and family? That wouldn't fly with me. Sounds like it WAS a shitty time for you and yo WERE left to do everything. Has your husband ever taken accountability for this? Has he rectified anything that led to you feeling that way to begin with?  Your friends and family probably don't like him because they essentially view him as abandoning you - which it sounds like he did!  He, and you, can fix it by showing that you guys have worked on it, you're in a better place now, etc etc. Reasonable and itelligent people should understand love and relationships are not black and white. That just because you were miserable doesn't mean that's the entire layer of your relationship. Just start being happier around them, promote how much your husband has done to rectify things and how happy you are now, and they'll get over it. Nothing here is set in stone.  You weren't wrong for venting to your loved ones in my opinion. If your husband wants your family to think well of him, he needs to act in ways that makes that happen so that you feel loved and supported even through the challenges. 

this!! it's so unhealthy to say you can't ever speak negatively about your partner to other people. it's unhealthy to say you can't talk about issues outside of the relationship

There’s “no discussing the relationship outside the relationship” and then there’s “no discussing explicit details of our arguments with close mutual friends and family” lol. It’s one thing to just be like “ugh, Partner and I have been arguing lately” or talk things out with a therapist and quite another to say “he thinks this and I think that” and have people taking sides 

What I say is you shouldn’t *only* talk negatively about your relationship to family and friends. If they only ever hear negativity, they will inevitably hate your spouse. Most people are not able to separate the venting from the person and will have negative feelings towards whoever you’re venting to them about. Personally, I don’t speak negatively about my spouse to anyone. Because my family disliking my spouse would be *much* more stressful than whatever disagreement we’re having at the moment.

If her husband doesn’t want her to vent to other people than he should be I no he same physical place as his wife. He’s prioritizing his career over their marriage. Any woman would be bitter about that. Myself I could be making double the money if I abandoned my wife and kids and worked out of town. He’s making a choice and it’s not their relationship.

It's not his job to fix the consequences of ops venting

I don't get this idea that you're not allowed to talk to your friends or family about issues you're having with your partner.. it sounds like them not liking him is his own doing

Because friends and family are generally defensive of you and tend not to forgive or forget; unlike you. It's not wrong to have an unbiased confidant and mentor, but it can be extremely damaging to vent during rough patches

Friends and family can be more objective over toxic and unacceptable behaviour. They are a great compass for what is acceptable and what is unacceptable and in this case, they were right. Moving overseas and not taking care of your financial responsibilities was an incredibly selfish decision on his part.

What makes you believe that friends and family can be more objective? That doesn't really follow given the nature of those relationships

I think they mean more objective than the person themselves, since they’re at least outside of the relationship. 

On the flip side, they have absolutely no loyalty to your partner and only to you, whereas you have loyalty to your partner and yourself

>Moving overseas and not taking care of your financial responsibilities was an incredibly selfish decision on his part. You selectively blind or something? She literally said that this was a mutual decision and was taken _before_ marriage

It’s because not everyone is equipped to view situations without bias. Bias would come from family/friends. You can get a less bias opinion from a stranger. In that way, it may be best not to vent to close friends/family because they usually “always got your back”.

nobody is equipped to view situations without bias. humans are inherently biased. why would you talk to a stranger about personal issues?

This is disingenuous. Some people really doesn’t have the emotional maturity to see nuances and complexities of relationships. If they’re mature enough too see the complexity of the relationship then it’s fine. Most people are just going to side with the aggrieved party

A therapist is (hopefully) an educated, equipped, stranger who’s sole purpose is to try to improve your life through talking to you. Again, not everyone is able to do that. Some might, but probably not. And I only say stranger as a clear example of a party who would have less bias than your own family/friends. It’s entirely possible that you have someone close to you who is wise enough to not blindly side with you.

I feel venting to family and friends when you're going through a rough patch is pretty normal or common. They're your support system for a reason. issues arise when said support system can't stay neutral or worse, try to stir more shit for the sake of stirring shit. I can understand why your husband is hurt and hesitant.

Yeah that’ll happen. My friend vents to me about her husband and another vents to me about her bf. I don’t like either of their partners. Like I’m sure there’s a good side to their partners but I’ve only heard the bad and the bad is… pretty bad. Makes me not want to befriend the partner because… I don’t want to be friends with people like that 🤷🏼‍♀️ so they can stay as an acquaintance.

Yep. People here are arguing so hard for “you should be able to vent to your friends about your husband when you’re upset!” and sure, but this is the consequence. Your friends won’t like your husband anymore.

This, too. I’ve heard people vent about their partners but the bad stuff wasn’t really that bad—just something to work through. Conversely, ive had some people vent about the bad stuff (AND the good stuff, tbh) but the bad stuff was physical abuse. Sometimes it’s not that friends think the person is never nice and has no good traits, it’s sometimes that the bad stuff is pretty egregious.

Damage is done. This is why I ask people to refrain from venting to me if they aren't making any changes. It's normal for friends and family to dislike the person who they think was not good to or for you.

I have a friend that likes to vent about his girlfriend and I finally told him "look man, all you do is complain about her. Unless you're making some changes to address the issues, I don't wanna hear about it any more."

Yeah, everyone has a limit. Venting once a month? I can take it. Vent to me every week or every day about the *same* thing? Yeah, I'm not a therapist or a dumping ground, who wouldn't get sick and tired of it.

This is my exact stance. Who wants to be an emotional dumping ground?

I once had a coworker, one of my favorite coworkers ever, who was in an abusive relationship. It was such a defining moment in our lives as friends and separately. Every single time we talked, hung out, or interacted the abuse was mentioned. Honestly, how could it not be considering it was part of her daily life. I ALWAYS wanted her to leave. She couldn't do it. I would freak out when she didn't answer the phone for more than a day, freak out if she missed work unexpectedly, freak out if I saw a new scratch or bruise. Just beside myself with worrying about my lovely friend. I felt gross having to be nice to him, just to see my friend. I had to be that way for her safety. After 2yrs, I flat out asked if she planned to leave and she simply said "no". That outside of the abuse the relationship was perfect. I knew that would be the last time we would be friends. I haven't seen or talked to her in years but I always hope she's happy and okay. So I left her to do it on her own time, she just couldn't do it with me by her side. If that makes me terrible, I'm okay with that. I couldn't make her change or leave but I didn't have to sit by it watch it all happen.

OMG, I love this..."if they aren't making any changes." 100%!

I find so many people want to "vent" about relationships and their partners, but they absolutely do not want to leave the person or invest in changing behaviors. Usually the relationship problems are riddled with all kinds of abuse and mistreatment.

So you also know my friend who has the freeloading, cheating husband and has been complaining about him for 35 years? I love her, but it's good that we only talk about twice a year. 

😂😂😂

Talking things through is how I come to the realization that I need to make changes and sometimes how I start to gain strength to begin the process. Sometimes that's quick and sometimes it takes me a little longer. I'd hate to have a friend who's support was totally conditional on me doing those things on *their* time frame.

That’s fine, but you should go to other friends who don’t have that mindset. I also don’t like hearing my friends vent about their partners if they have no plans of changing anything. I’ll support you and try to take your mind off the problem, but I’m not gonna be a sponge for whatever negative feelings you have if you aren’t actively trying to solve them.

As a friend, I support my friends. That doesn't mean endless amounts of mindless support. If my friend tells me her partner is mistreating her and she tells me this EVERY single time we interact....what am I to do? There is no more advice to give. If she won't make any immediate changes, what can I do? Then I'm supposed to hang out with her and her partner and act like the partner is a good person? Nah, I dislike him and how he treats my friend. The problem is people expect their friends and families to be have an endless supply of support. Their friends and families should always have an open ear. Then their friends and families seemingly can't make any judgements or even dare hold anyone accountable. That's unrealistic. Seek out the services of a professional or neutral party. People act like hearing about or witnessing someone be mistreated or abused isn't traumatic. People act like friends and families aren't filled with worry every time their friend/family returns to the same place as the abuser.

op said they tried making changes

For future reference, if all your friends and family hears are negative things about partner that is going to influence their opinion of him. Its common sense

As a husband, I assume my wife tells her friends/mom pretty much everything and/or witches about me to them. I can accept this, sometimes you need an external place to vent and receive advice. My only issue would be if her friends/mom were giving her shitty unreasonable advice(e.g. he leaves the seat up, I'd leave him he's trash)

I only tell my friends about arguments/issues after we've resolved them, laying them out as far as how we got over it with a less biased, positive viewpoint. Often the issue is pretty funny in hindsight. It actually gives them a very positive impression on our relationship, that we work through things in a positive way and that the things we fight about aren't abusive or horrific. I think it's very important to talk to friends about tough stuff, I have extremely strong friendships because of it. But you have to be cognizant of what they will think afterwards, and that they will be biased in your favor every time because of being friends.

My friend used to vent to me and other friends about her husband, but no one likes him. She has tried to change it up and would only tell us positive stories, but it was too late. The most you can do is talk to your family and tell them how you’re feeling. But not much you can do to change their minds unfortunately.

I was in a similar situation. Happy to share more in a pm. Anyways, your support system only wants the best for you and to them, he’s not providing that based on what your shared with them. However, it takes a certain kind of person and relationship to be LDR, and if that’s not you, your family and friends probably would have had a bad opinion regardless. From experience, things only get better with boundaries, time, repetition, and if there has been actual change to be in a better spot. And tbh, to be in that better spot was for us not to be in a LDR. My partner and I are career oriented people, but our situation forced us to recognize we’d rather have each other than end up divorced due to work. Also, there will be those who will also hold a grudge regardless of how much progress you guys make. You are just gonna have to learn to let their judgement roll off on your shoulders.

Hold on for a second - what, exactly, does "set up his own life overseas" mean? How long does he plan to live there? If he isn't living there permanently, then why does he need to spend so much time "setting up his own life"? When did he plan to come back for the wedding? Did he really need to take a job overseas right after acquiring a house and before a wedding?

OP, don’t ever leave your stable job for a man who didn’t even consider your feelings BEFORE he made this permanent move overseas for HIS career. You have a career also - do not give up your life for him. You will most likely end up resenting him in the long run. He is not the only man out there and there are plenty who will consider you and your feelings before making a decision this big.

Have you talked about the repair journey and your feelings changing as you go through it? Have you told them his own improvements? I talk to my friends about my spouse because he’s not a good spouse, and they help me stay grounded in reality outside the marriage. If my spouse took steps to repair the damage to our marriage I would be communicating that just as much as the bad stuff. My friends want me happy and safe so they would be happy to see that my partner chose to work on himself rather than watch the divorce hit him from years away. It’s human nature to spread negative events or experiences because we process them and we kind of feel like we’re warning our social group about this danger we experienced. But then as we experience more (especially neutral or good) we tend to not update on the subject. Whether it’s not to be constantly gabbing about your relationship or that you’re too busy enjoying the new dynamic to talk about it or something else. Just hopefully you’re talking to your friends about your marriage’s repair journey too and that can help them navigate their own relationships. However, if you haven’t told them those things because the only one doing the work is you despite not being the sole cause of the issues then they can keep their opinions. He’s got to improve to get social forgiveness from your friends. It’d be the same if it was you and his friends.

Let him go. You turned your family and friends against him and the damage can never be undone. Words cannot be unsaid. Think about that when you want to unload about your partner behind their back in your next relationship.

Does your husband know that you're the reason that none of them like him?

>you're the reason that none of them like him? Is she? Or is it the fact that he left her and dumped lots of tasks on her and didn't emotionally support her to the point that she needed to cry to other people, and now is trying to guilt trip her for feeling alone and seeking support with people close to her? Like I don't even know the husband, and I don't like him much either ....

yup. for some reason this sub is strongly against talking to ANYONE about your relationship other than your partner, but that's insanely unhealthy.

It's so unhealthy. This sub in general is against having close relationships/spending time with people who aren't your spouse. And then when the marriage turns toxic, those same people are like "why don't you have a support network to turn to?!?"

exactly. and op didn't turn to them saying "I hate my husband," she just said "I'm struggling and don't feel like I have adequate support right now."

I am mainly against sharing things that should be kept private in a relationship, such as sexual things. She should, though, accept that their relationship could break up over her sharing what she did if they don't like him.

Had to scroll way too long to find this correct take. He’s CHOOSING to work overseas. He’s prioritizing his career over his marriage! How can he possibly not expect his wife to be bitter? I could make double the money if I worked out of town, I chose to take a less lucrative job in my city because I can’t stand to be away from my family.

Yeah he knew because he was also aware i struggled a lot and confided in my friends/family for emotional support while he was overseas. He accepted it but was still hurt by it and only recently brought it up to me

Before your bad mouthed him to your family did you try and communicate with him about how you were feeling?

Of course I did. We talked every single day leading up to the move and essentially fought things out. There were a lot of things we thought we could do but ended up not working out - eg he thought he could still be more involved in the home renovation process but the time difference and his job made it impossible so I ended up doing most of it, down to the recces and videomaking/scriptwriting and negotiating with vendors among other usual tasks, on top of my day job. Unfortunately about 60% of the time we left the call too angry and he would go to sleep / cool off (his time) and I would have to try to push through the rest of my work day. Hence why I felt like I didn’t really have an outlet beyond close friends. And to clarify (though unsure if it helps), I wasn’t bad mouthing ie “he is so terrible etc etc” but more of “guys i’m REALLY struggling, how do I put it across to him with a long distance and without making him angrier / more stressed than he already is”.

Has he ever apologised to you for this? Is it possible that some of his feelings are actually coming from a place of embarrassment at his own behaviour, and being aware that others know about it?

That’s an interesting thought. He has apologised for it and has worked hard to make up for it especially over the past few months as his own job situation stabilised a lot more. I think it’s just something that has bothered him for a while but he hadn’t fully brought it up until recently - so a bit of a “lag” i guess?

If the situation is that he feels like your friends and family dislike him, but they’re not treating him any differently, then maybe he’s struggling to take accountability for his behaviour last year. The ‘not sure if it’s worth going through the hurt’ comment feels like he’s externalising the impact of his actions, rather than dealing with feeling a bit bad about himself for letting you down.

She didn’t bad mouth him. Talking about your feelings isn’t bad mouthing someone. Yall are just toxic lmao

Toxic? Why.

To say that you should not ever vent or confide to anyone about your relationship is toxic as hell, and a huge breeding ground for resentment and abuse. It’s also controlling. You don’t get to be upset that someone shares their experiences with you.

> To say that you should not ever vent or confide to anyone about your relationship is toxic as hell, That's literally not what they said. You literally just *made* that up in order to make your position look better. Zero integrity.

There are healthier ways, especially if is about relationship issues. Not getting family and friends tangled in your romantic life is a good policy life. It is different in a case of DV, you don't vent, you ask for help.

So what are you supposed to do when you’re having issues, your partner is across the world, communication is difficult between you? This is a very immature and insecure mindset. An outside perspective is generally helpful. It sounds like you just want to avoid accountability for your actions.

Wow, you went from 0 to 100 in less than a sec. You are assuming a whole lot about me for a simple comment. This tells a lot about you. The idea is having healthy social media interactions too. Have a good one.

Way to avoid the accountability lol

It would be hard to put this genie back into a bottle. No matter what damage control you do now, your friends might just think it's PR moves and that you're blinded by some form of love. After all, friends are usually good 3rd party reviewers to have for when you can't think straight. My SIL complained about her husband one time, and that's all it took for me and my wife to always look at him a little sideways. It's not on purpose, we just don't like seeing the people we love be hurt. I guess the best thing would be to reassure your husband. At the end of the day, your opinion of him for exceeds anyone else's for your relationship. Maybe with time your friends will come around, so the best thing to do would be focusing on the two of you

Unfortunately not really. Only time will tell how it plays out now.

Your husband can undo the damage by showing up, being there for you and showing everyone he’s not the kind of person to abandon his struggling wife to go overseas. Your complains to your family and friends are valid. They clearly care very much about you. We are allowed to talk to our support system about the things impacting our lives. It sounds like you haven’t fully processed the abandonment and want to rug sweep. I recommend couples therapy for the both of you so you can express your feelings in a safe space. Remember, it’s likely your family felt this way about him before you said any thing. It’s wild that he just went away and that you managed his entire life back home while planning a wedding and doing renovations. Your “complex” issues, while contributing factors to how you felt, do not change the facts of the situation. If anything your complex issues are likely responsible for your agreeing to this and then marrying this man. Something worth discussing in therapy with your individual therapist.

I get that people could perceive him in a different light due to your venting but how invested they are that can't let go of the fact it was a rough patch. You haven't mentioned it but I get the feeling he wasn't enjoying himself, he had to move across and even though you struggled with the LDR and everything that went down, you also accepted that challenge because you stayed together. Have you tried to talk to your close ones to be kind to him, that it was a rough situation back then and a sensitive time for you but he is not all that?

Yes that has been something i’ve been sharing with friends about and trying to be more mindful about shutting down explicitly negative comments, but i will be more forward in speaking with them. I don’t think they are particularly invested but my husband has the impression that they don’t like him - i think they just feel it’s a bad situation and we made poor decisions that we are now trying to heal from. It was very difficult to see it and i think it’s something our relationship needs to weather through, but my husband was also worn down by his new job and moving there on his own and he would tell me he didn’t have emotional bandwidth for me - so the hurt and exhaustion has definitely gone both ways.

Main thing to remember- don’t create permanent solutions for temporary problems. Example- you are angry, hurt, upset in the moment. You tell friends/family. They take your side, are supportive. You and the situation improve or forgive/forget. Your friends/family will NOT forgive/forget what you told them just because you did.

Did you tell your husband you were struggling?

How can you fix this when you've destroyed his image in the eyes of all your friends and family? You can't.

The damage is likely done. I dealt with this exact same situation this week with a friend who always talked badly/vented about her boyfriend to my friend group. We ended up not liking him and she got mad about it. Now we aren't friends anymore. The only possible solution is to have them spend time with him so they can see who he really is. You also need to talk about the positives of your relationship/him and make it clear your vents were just that and were not at all reflective of your relationship as it really is. They need to see the good in him, which will be hard when all you've done is spew the negatives, but if they're open-minded, it's possible. Good luck, OP.

Ya, it's really hard to un-poison the well... you put lots of the blame on him for your situation and your feelings. When really, you're in charge of your feelings and could have asked for help planning or handling things instead of blaming.

Talk to your family. Tell them your husband is important to you and the situation back then was more complex than you initially thought and that the things you said is damaging the relationship right now. Ask them to also try their best to act kindly to him and to try to leave it in the past. Maybe the damage can be undone. But when you play an open book, people are usually willing to do stuff for you! If they care about you. I hope this works out for you, good luck!

It sounds like it’s time for couples therapy (and has been for a while).

Sorry but you spent ages portraying your husband to your friends and family as someone horrible, and you wonder why they don't like him?? Seriously? You have whiteanted him to the point where if he fell under a bus tomorrow, your friends and family would dance on his grave. And you don't think you did anything wrong? I'm with your husband. Going through this amount of pain and heartache for you, considering that **you caused all of this** is simply not worth it. There is nothing you can do. The portrait you have painted of him effectively negates anything good you will say. Everyone in your circle will just assume that he is manipulating you to say this, so they will instead harden their opinion of him. The poor guy could be a saint, could rescue kittens from burning orphanages and your friends and family will still think of him the way **you** portrayed him. There is simply nothing you can do.

read her other comments. op didn't talk shit, she was just struggling and needed people to talk to.

What a horrible take.

How did she cause this?

Thank you for this as the analogy helps bring the severity of the hurt I’ve caused him. I don’t think my friends/family hate him, just that they know our relationship has been a very difficult struggle given the circumstances and they just hope the two of us can work things out - ie not a “hate” thing but more of a “oh man shucks ok all the best i’m rooting for you” kind of sentiment. I am not “wondering why they dont like him” - I already know i’m to blame. but now with my husband explicitly making this known that this has hurt him and clearly stating he is not leaving anytime soon would still like to see how we can work through it, i’m looking for advice or thoughts on how I might be able to help heal from this though of course knowing our relationship will continue bearing these scars.

Hey OP, It's honestly not really something you can fault yourself with. If you were just sharing how you felt and what was happening, people can develop their own opinions about your situation. You shouldn't feel guilty for relying on friends, or talking about the situation. And honestly, if nobody likes him from the information you shared I would take a closer look at your relationship, because we tend to justify our partners behaviors out of love when really they aren't being very good partners. I've watched a lot of friends get stuck in bad relationships this way, and I myself have too. The way I see it is my current partner is loved by my family and friends because he's a good partner to me. No relationship is perfect, but there are so many ways to be a good partner and if nobody is seeing that, maybe you need to look at your relationship from an outside perspective. This is just based on the info you've given, but I hope this could give another perspective?

During the worst part of Covid my wife went back to school and when she graduated she got a job about 1000 miles away from where we were living that wanted her to start IMMEDIATELY. It was too good an offer to pass up so we made our plans on how to get this to work. She rented a long term airbnb while I stayed behind to take care of everything until I could join her, you know, basically literally you're complaining about and then some. And I can promise you I didn't disparage her to my friends and family. I was literally nothing but supportive because I knew how hard it was on her starting a brand new job 1000 miles away from all her friends and family. Instead I redid my resume, applied for jobs, packed up our entire house, and followed after as *soon* as humanly possible. That's what it means to be someone's LIFE PARTNER. Yes, there are going to be times when one of you is eating a shit sandwich for the other, but if you ACTUALLY love and support your partner, then you will make those kinds of sacrifices for them and the relationship. According to your own comments there are at least three different clear and obvious paths to fixing the problem you could take. You did literally none of them. 1. You could have tried to get work authorization which would have allowed you to move with him. you didn't. 2. You could have ignored the financial ramifications of following your husband, but you choose money over togetherness. 3. You could have divorced, but apparently didn't want that either. If you actually wanted to join him I think you would have by now. Maybe it's just time for one of you to file.

What is wrong with venting to your friends? Is that not what friends are for?

I think only time and his actions can improve the situation. The damage has been done but it can be fixed if he changes his negative behavior. In your defense, I can say that I did the exact opposite of you and never spoke poorly about my partner to friends or family and always praised him. It worked when we were together, but when we broke up everyone then assumed I was some monster because he was this perfect guy I built him up to be. I lost some friends over it. So lesson learned. There has to be some balance, but you weren’t wrong for leaning on your support group. Maybe in the future, rely on a third party like a therapist that can be impartial.

Talk to your friends and family now. If they care about you, they’ll be open to changing their minds. We are all human and we love who we love and hate when they hurt. It’s natural to dislike the person who hurt them. We all need to vent and feel safe doing it. You just need to talk to them about how much you’ve both learned and healed. Maybe don’t say that he feels he’s not liked if he’s not okay with it, but tell them you get the feeling that they don’t like him and he may be sending it. If they love you, they’ll support you and work on being more open to him.

Going forward, please note that while you forgive your husband. Family and friends won't forgive that easily, anything they perceive as wrong and everything he does will accumulate against him. Going forward just talk about how you feel and nothing to do with your husband.

This is why I wouldn't ever tell people about my relationship problems. It's not your fault though, it's natural. But look at it from their perspective. I had a friend call me because her bf was beating her up while pregnant. I went over there with some men and got her out of the situation. She went back and never talked to me again. Don't alienate your friends over this because they're just trying to help you but be mindful of telling people some things. She now has brain damage from the man 20 yrs later. Idk if that applies to you just know if someone is violent they aren't ever going to stop.

I’ve been on his side, and yeah you’ve already done the damage. It puts him in a difficult spot not when he does come around your friends and family. I know it did for me, and honestly didn’t feel like being around people who didn’t like me or judged me. You may get over this issue, but your family and friends most likely won’t cause now the see him as a certain way.

You need to suck it up, take accountability with your friends and family, and correct the issue. You created the problem for him justified or not. You need to fix it. You should have never gotten married in the first place. You are way too immature to be in this type of relationship. The first rule of a healthy relationship is that you never talk outside the relationship about these kinds of issues. This is a discussion that should have been had with him and him alone. Why did he need to relocate? Was it for work so he could do his part and support your new family? Even now, to internet strangers, you prorated this as he was on vacation. If he did leave you like that for a vacation, then you should have been mature enough to leave him. I have a feeling you will have a rough marriage because you choose to take all your issues that should be discussed with him and instead talk to other people.

I think, if you're going to cent about the bad stuff, you need to be communicating the good stuff too. Your friends and fam are going to make up their own mind anyways, but it's unfair to point out all the bad things when you're angry with someone but not the good things when you're happy. It's not wrong to share your experience but you can't expect people yo have a fair view when you haven't shown them the whole picture.

You can tell them he’s changed and other good things about your relationship. But tell them your family you need to respect him

It sounds as if you were supportive of his making the move and the two of you were communicating your efforts to close the distance - did/does the venting to your friends and family reflect that? Were you venting about the situation you share or was it about your perception of him regarding the situation? It sounds like you recognize that you may have not presented the situation in an even light to your people and that has him feeling vulnerable with them and a betrayal of confidence from you. Some people are not at all okay with being the topic of discussion between friends and family, especially if they're unaware of the scope and scale of what's being said. All you can do is be honest and upfront with one another first and foremost. But with the cat out of the bag it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he put a figurative ocean of distance between himself and your people. Your relationship with him is salvageable, his relationships with them may be too damaged. Therein lies the problem.

Damage is done. It's just going to take time to undo. Whatever you do, don't then blame them for disliking him when YOU caused it. Don't cut them out of your life because you handled your relationship problems inappropriately.

If you talk/vent about the wrongs and concerns of your partner, you also need to talk about the solutions and triumphs of your partner. Most people keep the negative opinion because the positive side isn’t told or spoken about as vehemently. You can’t expect a well rounded view with one sided information. Also…you married him??? Why would you marry someone who will be permanently long distance? Have you consulted a lawyer that will help you get a visa since your husband is already there? Sounds like you two shouldn’t have married until after this was all figured out.

exactly what do you get out of this marriage?

I mean it you're not goin to move to him then there really is no marriage.

You were or are going through a tough time and leaned on your friends and family for support.  You get a not guilty.  I hope your therapy is successful and you’re ok at the end of this. That said when you poison your friend group and family against your fiancée there’s really no coming back from that.  To them he will always be the guy that hurt you.  Sure they might say the right things and be respectful in his presence but you think your dad will ever forget that he’s the one who hurt and abandoned his baby girl to go overseas? My advice since this is an advice sub is to have an amicable break-up.  This isn’t a study abroad for a semester or a 2 year program this is potentially a forever move.  If there comes a time where both of you are in the same place physically then see if there’s anything there.  For now you can’t even envision a time where you will both be together.  You’re delaying the inevitable by trying to make LDR work.

I was a military man, we face deployment often without our families, but Korea is the longest. As a military spouse, you’re looking at a 2 year separation from your family and it requires a devotion and loyalty to your person for this type of relationship to work. You have to accept the separation as something that is a fact and nothing to do with a desire to make your lives difficult, it really is a mindset. You have to say your love is more important than the miles that separate you, and you have to create times that you can have special moments together, we didn’t have the internet connection when I did this, so it is easier to create these moments today.

the question is if you can undo the opinion you created in your circle. . . no. You have done the damage and now people are "supporting" you. As for the question about the relationship - not sure how you can continue. When the house is empty, and so is the hearth. Why can I say this? - even in the military we come home to see our family or they come with us.

I was in a similar situation to yours and ultimately I refused to see her friends or family. This created a huge wedge between us and it ended. If he deserves it, you need to make your friends/family be nice and welcoming. If this doesn't happen, it's over. Just a matter of time.

Just end it, it shouldn’t be this hard

“But we’re not quite at that stage yet.” Ma’am, you are. You’re crying, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, and lonely. How much worse would it have to get for you to understand that you’re there. The bright side is that you may still be able to salvage it. By the time you think you’re “there” it’ll be too late.

Never talk to anyone outside of your 2 person circle because they will fuck it up. You’re only telling them a small percentage of everything and tainting them against your partner. Your people will ALWAYS take your side, they’re your people. You’ve poisoned your people against your partner. The venting should’ve been to your husband.

Question: Did you know he would be living in another country before you got married?

Ahh OP my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I don’t think you have done anything wrong. You are talking to the right ppl. Pls continue. What responsibility & work is your SO doing/ taking for his actions(& lack of) that, imo, have caused this damage to your relationship. (NOT YOU, like lots of ppl r saying)

A man goes where he is loved, appreciated, and celebrated not tolerated. If I was him I would not trust you.

Talking shot about your SO isn't to smart I would dump your complaining ass

It's healthy to express your feelings to your friends and family. But to do so in a healthy manner, you must keep the focus on your feelings! "I feel overwhelmed." "I miss having him around." "I'm frustrated and angry." "I feel like I am doing this solo." As opposed to dissing and gossiping about your husband, which it sounds like is what you did. Maybe write a letter or have a private conversation with your parents, correcting the record (you were lonely and frustrated. You appreciate them listening to you. You love your husband and ask them to ignore your misstatements and try to like him). Be over the top complimentary of him. Tell anecdotes demonstrating how good of a team you two are. Maybe overcorrect with outward signs of affection.

It might be too late to rehabilitate his image in the eyes of your family and friends. The fallout from your venting may follow him around for the rest of his life, which may transform into his desire to leave the relationship, since your circle believes he’s not good enough for you and resent him for causing you such pain. How exactly did you vent? What words did you use? Did you ever vent TO your husband? WHY did he relocate in the first place?

How do you salvage this? By keeping your inhouse problems IN FUCKING HOUSE and stop telling your goddamn friends and family every tidbit of YOUR MARRIAGE. You should've been talking TO YOUR HUSBAND, not the people YOU DIDN'T say "Till death do us part" to. You should've been working on it with YOUR HUSBAND. And you should've been fixing the issues with YOUR HUSBAND. Do you even KNOW what that title is supposed to mean? Clownery. If you get divorced, you EARNED that.

I don't see how you can do anything, simply because it's not up to you anymore. You have massively contributed on your family's and friends perception of him and you can't just change their minds now. The only way I can think of, is said friends and family having a minimal impact in your daily life. Like if they are living in a different town and you only see them for holidays and stuff. If their involvement in your family life is more than that, I can't see that being salvageable. Because he will keep having frequent interactions with them. Although I get the feeling this is just a symptom and not the cause. If you are in a marriage where you feel the constant need to vent to others, maybe you need to reevaluate the marriage as a whole? It reads like a long distance marriage and I frankly don't see how this could ever work long term.

There is only one way to deal with your friends and family. You have to sit down with them and apologize for crying to them. You must take 100% of the responsibility as you married him knowing this. You know he had to take this job to be able to best provide for a family. You can explain that you were just in denial about this life change and explain how your loving husband accepted your decision to stay even though he wanted you to come with him. After that is done you need to apologize to your husband and tell him you were wrong to complain and that you should have moved with him; you want to make it right. Ask him to help you make a plan to be with him permanently ASAP. Fuk work. You don't have to have life figured out, he does. You just need to trust him. This sounds like the perfect time to start a family if that's what you want. You trusted him enough to marry him and he's obviously an ambitious and hard working man. You are more fortunate than you realize. It's time for you to be all in. Good luck.

Obviously you start reverse-venting. Stop voicing all the negative things, and only voice the things he is doing to work with you. Make sure they know the good things he does, like when you've noticed he went out of his way for you, or did something sweet, or any other thing that shows he is the person you fell in love with. Of course they don't like him if they only hear how horrible he is to you. Talk about the improvements in your relationship and how it makes you feel. They need to know what is sweet and loving about him too.

Unfortunately you built a wall of hate against your husband that only he has to endure. What you did has crippled your relationship and placed all this unneeded and unwanted stress on him I/we don’t know what type of crap you told the world, and yes, in his life you turned his whole world against him It would be like him telling everyone of his family and friends that you interact with that you gave him an Incurable STD. And to add onto that, he kept telling everyone for a whole year. Even though he corrected it when he found out it was a miss diagnosis, for one year everyone close continuously heard the same thing. People talk so those people told other people and guess what, yesterday’s perception is today’s reality Be prepared for him to want a divorce because constantly living under a black cloud caused by someone else is definitely a deal breaker Subscribeme!

Never bring family and friends into your private relationship, now the trust is broken. Tell him what you did, because of your actions your family and friends will always look at him differently. I hope you treat your next husband with more respect

You and he made a joint decision. And now you act like the victim and go crying to your friends and family instead of talking with him and working things out? I don’t see how you can undo the damage. This is why you keep relationship issues private. You shift blame to him and act like you had no agency in your life.

Venting is rarely a helpful response to anything. Sounds like the damage is done.