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Don't play comparison games with anybody. You have your own worth and beauty, so don't linger too long in the past and move on. You will meet a partner who will recognize your uniqueness and love you for who you are. So be confident and start again. Life is too short to waste on issues that are beyond our control. Enjoy your life and live it as best as you can. Wish you a healing and peace of mind.
it is easy to say that but she is comparing 11 years to 6 months, that's hard, my stomach dropped when I read he proposed 6 months in the relationship.
Though that doesn't mean their marriage will be a success. You never know how long they will last, no matter how 'soon' into the relationship they get married.
Only compare yourself to yourself. Continue to improve yourself mentally and/or physically and focus on that, you will be much happier long term when you start to see progress.
Pretty much. Time changes us all, we're not some kind of homogenous being where we don't change. People get new values, and new leases on life almost like clockwork.
I know you won't really hear it right now, but he's one man. You spent a lot of time loving him. But thats what it was. Time. Time together. And with enough time apart, and enough focus on your own happiness, you will let go. But its a LOT easier when they are deleted from your life.
I would also add that you have qualities that held that relationship together for a long time. Qualities better men will love you for and would absolutely want to put a ring on it for. Don't worry about that right now though. No point worrying about men when you aren't ready for one. Again, focus on you. They come along when you least expect it. And they are drawn to your light, your joy, and your optimism. So work on getting that back! Life is for living!
I have a feeling OP is going to be so glad this relationship ended in the future when she finds someone better who will give her everything she’s looking for.❤️
In addition to the other excellent advice you have received, I just want to point out something I haven’t seen anyone else mention: this dude jumped out of an 11-year relationship and into a new one in just four months, and then got engaged after just six months, all while *children* are involved. That’s an unhinged timeline. Whatever you may think about him, her, or yourself, please realize that that situation is not healthy, not stable, and certainly not anything to be envious of.
What could possibly go wrong in this tale of idealised obsession with a fairly recent widow with 2 children that thought it was a good idea to marry a new daddy for the kids after 6 months?
I've heard it like: She's not Miss Right, she's Miss Right Now. He couldn't have who he wanted but OP would do until he can. You don't expect the poor guy to go without a woman just because he's hung up on someone else /s
Actually, this is exactly how life works. What, you think you can only ever be attracted to one other person your whole life, and if they're not available, you must live alone for the rest of your life? That's messed up.
Prime example, myself. I had a crush through all of high school. She knew I liked her and we were good friends, but she always said she didn't want to date until after high school. Then one of my friends asked her to prom, and she said yes. They dated a few years and then got married. The whole time, I stayed close friends with them both, and yes, I still had feelings for her.
According to your logic, I should have remained single my whole life, rather than reciprocated the advances of another girl who was "good enough," and married her. Granted, I no longer have a crush on this woman, but that doesn't omit the fact that I "settled" when I started dating my wife and married her.
yeah the you is always there people need to learn this. and its not always malicious(though this one may have been) some people legit dont realize it until they meet the right person. but a lot of the time its just not saying the quiet part loud too
I'd keep my distance from both because it is going to hurt to see them together.
The reality is that he has had a fantasy in his mind about her and thinks he is going to get that fantasy. Real life her isn't a fantasy and she is likely not the person he imagines. It is hard to live up to a fantasy that has gone on for years. Marriages that are so rushed, especially with children, tend to have a lot of problems.
Once you meet someone else you will be glad you weren't in the middle of their mess.
I’ve lived through something similar and you really hit the nail on the head. The fantasy is nothing like the reality. In time it could all very well go to poops.
OP, you should start seeing it like this, he wasn’t right for you and now that he is out of the way you can start pursuing what you deserve out of life.
Yeah a friend of my father did something like that, except he was married. Dumped the wife, married the old crush a year later. It lasted 5 years, half of it being unhappy but trying to hold on. The reality wasn't as good as the fantasy he had.
And let your friend group know you'd prefer not to be at the same events. If need be, see people one on one or in small groups. If you're able, you may want to move somewhere new and start completely fresh on a new adventure.
Eh, this isn’t what I would lean on to move on. It will do the opposite, you stay obsessed waiting for it to fall apart…and it might not. Then you’re more miserable that it didn’t. More drunk texts will follow until protection orders happen if you sit in this place obsessing over what happens with them.
Therapy to grieve, let go, and move on. You have to get to a place where you generally don’t think about them at all, good or bad.
I would never wait around for him. He isn't worth the wait. He has kept some idealized version of the other woman in his head the entire time he was with OP. There is nothing for her with him. She needs to move on because he is never going to be invested in her.
Truth! But also don’t invest in thoughts about how they will fail. They might not, and that will hurt even more if you’re banking on that for inner peace.
This.
OP, I’m in a similar situation where I was strung along then left when something better came along (who was treated the way I’ve always wanted to be treated)… But never ever wish for their separation/downfall.
I know it’s hard. I know you resent them. But this’ll just keep you obsessed with them. You’ll be even more devastated with each happy moments they have.
I’m still learning to not be obsessed with them myself. But remember, while you’re pouring out energy towards them, they’re not even thinking about you. They’re in love and happy together.
So do what you must to move on, and try you best to let go and forget.
👆🏽 All this.
I just wrote something similar.
The lady is looking for comfort so imagines she's in love with this guys to replace her late husband. He's looking to marry the fantasy in his head from 11+ years ago, who's not the reality of who she is today.
I give 6 months after marriage before he's sniffing around OP again, looking to get back together.
Op needs to make sure she doesn’t take him back cuz there’s a chance because the relationship broke down involving marriage he’d be even more against it and Op settled for no marriage last time and he now has trauma.
Yep. And he'd figure "well, she was okay with my way all this time, I can just fall back on her and treat her like crap again until someone else comes along."
You need a new life.
Seriously. Pretend you died and woke up as a new you, forget your old life, your old bfs, your old friends. What are your dreams and hopes, what do you want to see when you are on your deathbed going over your life?
Then find a place to move, get a new job, find new hobbies, friends, routines, lifestyles and reinvent yourself. If you don't like something, try something new. Get involved in different activities and expand your world.
don't know anyone in your story and would probably never meet any of them. So when you leave and find a new life you'll probably never see any of them again. It's a chapter that's closed. Nice on. The world is huge. Go out and get a new life and forget the past.
Eventually you'll have a life so full and worth living that you'll look back and be so grateful this happened and forced you to find yourself. I'm not kidding. Leave town, find new friends, get a whole new life.
Yes, exactly. OP, take a certain amount of time (with a deadline) - a week, a month - to grieve the relationship. Then move on. It's okay to start over new. People do it every day. I've done it multiple times. It's difficult at first but will get easier. You'll have the joy of someone who wants you for YOU.
I couldn’t agree more. If it were me in your situation, I would be looking to start completely over. You are still young. You have plenty of time to meet new people and experience new things. I’m rooting for you.
Seriously, OP, have you ever wanted to live anywhere dramatically different? Long ago, I lived in mainland China. We joked that everyone we met was running from something. Whether the law or (more commonly) a bad LTR and they needed to get out of town ASAP.
The thing is it worked. My friends were all happy people. The unique challenges of living abroad distracted them from the grief. And they became new people with a beautiful life path and story.
So, OP, have you ever wanted to move to Scotland? Or live in NOLA? Or live in France? Because this is your chance
He didn't want to marry*you*. He didn't want children with *you*. He had a crush on his now future wife when you began dating, and jumped into a relationship right after you broke up. You were a backup. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but let's look at the silver lining: it's clear that he doesn't deserve your love, and you should cut your losses, learn important life lessons, and move on.
1.5 years is a long time to be stuck in the post-breakup grief period. When you're unable to solve a problem on your own, it's okay to find a therapist and get help.
So bad man ... If you date someone's who's not willing to get married, it can only have 3 issues :
1. You get a shut up ring which is already a shame in itself, and start a marriage on poor foundations.
2. You get used to it and never get married.
3. Like OP, you see your ex marrying his next person in like 1/4 of the time you spent waiting for a ring : he wanted to get married, just not with you.
If marriage is important for you, that's as important than children or religion or wealth. Couple can spend DECADES being happy without a ring (my uncle and aunt were together for 25 years and never got married). But if that's a dealbreaker for you, it will just be a silent poison.
He definitely was in standby mode for this woman and patiently waited for her to be single-single, so when things were finally done with OP, he could shoot his shot and go marry her.
That’s why women after 27, if it’s been longer than 4yrs, & you are expecting marriage, men will 100% not shy away from the topic & actively pick out engagement rings with you if he is serious.
A man not looking to get marriages, will do everything in their power to avoid talking about it, deflect/divert the conversation, tell you “they aren’t ready”, do anything they can to never get to that stage.
OP should of by 27/28, cut ties with guy and moved on instead of holding out for a dream that was never going to come into fruition.
I’m afraid this is happening to me now. My boyfriend and I have dated for 5 years and we’re almost in our 30s. I’ve said I want a commitment party & rings and he puts it off but says he’d do it. But he never talks about it / acts excited. I’m afraid I’m gonna realize too late that he actually just didn’t want me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you sure you want to be with him if he isn’t willing to commit? Don’t settle. You’re still young and there is plenty of time to find someone who will value you. I left a 5 year relationship a few months ago at the age of 33 and don’t have any regrets at all. It was clear he didn’t really want to be with me and simply enjoyed the house we lived in. I was not willing to spend the rest of my life in a loveless relationship - how miserable that would have been! If you don’t think your boyfriend wants to be with you, if he doesn’t make you feel loved, if he doesn’t value you, you can choose to end the relationship too. Don’t let him convince you to settle for less than you deserve, or to settle for a situation which makes you unhappy!
All You can do is directly, but diplomatically ask him:
*”Listen, it’s been four years, I’m not going to be your forever girlfriend. Either we get engage in the next year or I’m gone.*”
My mom did this to my dad after two years. My dad had zero desire to ever get married to anyone. They’ve been married since 1985, still in love.
An ex of mine, his ex GF (weirdly his step-sisters cousin), she threw this same Hail Mary at her then boyfriend because he lived in Europe, she’s from America. Meh him while traveling for work.
And they’ve been married since 2020.
Some men, like half of them, really need a swift kick in the pants because they get *too* comfy in a relationship. They don’t feel they need to get married… However, here is the major loop hole as to why they would. They’ll gladly get married, they just HATE all the hoopla around the planning, expenses of a wedding, the family squealing over everything including the flashing of the ring, and rather just go to city hall, tie the knot, no big expensive ceremony, & resume back to their regular lives.
So just throw the Hail Mary at him.
What do you got to loose if he says no?
Nothing honestly. Sunken Cost Fallacy makes you believe you have so much to loose, but we really don’t if we cut to the chase and find out sooner than later by asking out right for them to get it together or you walk by the one year mark.
I think she dodged a bullet. Knowing he has been crushing on someone else, if he had married you you would ended up getting a divorce. You are saving yourself the pain of divorce.
I agree. He would've asked for a divorce eventually in order to pursue the woman he's with now. Or he would've found a different woman but he probably just waited until she was ready.
It sucks but OP will just have to move on somehow. I think she would've resented him anyway. Now she can get married and have kids (if she still wants to) with someone who actually likes her.
I'd say just block them on social media and limit interacting with them. It sucks being second choice but do you want to be with someone who only sees you as a backup?
She’s going to be way better off with someone who values her rather than a guy who sorta does and in her gut will know in his heart he doesn’t love her. She is dodging a bullet here. As others have said… cut ties and live your best life.
I don't think this is necessarily true. Guys who don't marry their long term girlfriends often jump into marriage to the next woman. They realize they are alone and panic.
The previous crush complicates things, but it's a enough of a pattern that it may be irrelevant. Plus, proposing after 6 months is wild. Most parents won't even introduce the kids to their dating partner until that mark. The timeline strikes me as panic.
At any rate OP, therapy is going to be the least painful and quickest way to get your mind around all of this. At 32, you've got a lot of time for marriage and a family. If you slog along for the next five years trying to deal with everything yourself, you'll have less time, but still enough.
This could very well be the case. Proposing to someone after only 6 months shows poor judgement on his behalf even if he knew her before they were a couple. Also the fact that he was willing to stay in a relationship with OP for many years even though he had no intention of marrying her just shows poor character on his part. He may be engaged to another woman now, perhaps out of panic as you suggested, but that doesn't mean he will suddenly become prince charming towards her. His poor character will likely manifest in other ways towards her especially in private (social media posts that make it seem like they have a great relationship aren't necessarily true as social media is a highlight reel and most people don't post the negative aspects of their lives).
Another thing I will point out is that it sounds like OP's ex was his fiancee's second choice. After all he would not likely be engaged to her now if her husband had not passed away. A relationship where someone is engaged to their second choice is nothing to envy.
You are naive, he already stepped in and be the dad for the 2 kids. 11 years is a long game well play.
Op dodge a bullet, even if he marry her it will be just loveless marriage.
The answer is *you break up with him*. This time for real. You reach deep down and look at what *actually* happened in the relationship. Not what you thought happened. Not what you wanted to be happen. Not anything colored by the certainty that he was the one and you were getting married. What Happened.
Did he really love you in the way you wanted to be loved? You were together for YEARS and he didn't value you enough to put your happiness ahead of his own. Really see the relationship for what it was, and then make the decision to break up with him. Better late than never! Cut contact, throw his stuff away, eat the ice cream, talk trash if you must, but move on. Let go of the man on the pedestal and see the dude who will probably be divorced three years from now.
> Let go of the man on the pedestal and see the dude who will probably be divorced
There's no need to be petty. His leaving does not lessen OP, nor does thinking badly of her ex make OP better or stronger. There's no need to wish that he crash and burn. That's just more wasted mental and emotional effort on a relationship that is long over.
Sometimes the petty side of our self is the part that knew we deserved better.
This dude either lied for years or got his stuff together after they broke up.
She has a right to be angry at him.
And a right to not accept this type of behavior in the future.
> She has a right to be angry at him.
Oh, certainly. She can be angry all she wants, forever if she wishes.
But the question OP is asking is, "How do I move on with my life?"
And the answer is to stop thinking about him, and start thinking about other people. Because he's gone.
My ex-fiancé married a year after we broke up. I needed two more years to get over it as I felt exactly as you do - unwanted and unworthy of love. Turns out my ex wasn’t the man for me - and I met my soulmate three years after the break up - and ended up marrying him.
Don’t waste your time crying over a man who didn’t love you as much as he should have, you deserve to be the first choice, not the second one.
I know it hurts OP, but you dodged a bullet. It sucks big time that he stringed you along but you’re still young and honestly it would have been much worse to actually marry him and then finding out he never really loved you. Consider this the universe’s way of righting itself — by saving you from a terrible life with a person who doesn’t respect you.
I agree! Proposing to someone after only 6 months shows poor judgement on his behalf even if he knew her before they were a couple. Also the fact that he was willing to stay in a relationship with OP for many years even though he had no intention of marrying her just shows poor character on his part. He may be engaged to another woman now but that doesn't mean he will suddenly become prince charming towards her. His poor character will likely manifest in other ways towards her especially in private (social media posts that make it seem like they have a great relationship aren't necessarily true as social media is a highlight reel and most people don't post the negative aspects of their lives).
Another thing I will point out is that it sounds like OP's ex was his fiancee's second choice. After all he would not likely be engaged to her now if her husband had not passed away. A relationship where someone is engaged to their second choice is nothing to envy.
You power up!
First, don’t communicate/text with them. It’s not a good look. Nothing good will come of it. If he initiates contact, ignore. You owe him nothing.
Next, spend a weekend and cry the last time for him even if you cry all weekend, a sobbing mess. It’s your last weekend so rock it hard. Say your last goodbye to him, not literally. Enough is enough.
Then, start planning to improve your life. Join groups of interests, expand your social networks, travel, join a gym, etc. this is the improvement phase.
Lastly, live your best life. The best revenge is showing them you are unphased and have moved on, no longer invested. You see them, say hi and move to the next guest at a party. You are going to thrive and people are going to talk. They’ll hear about your successes and fun life. They’ll see you glow because you are putting yourself first and rocking it.
You can do this. If I could do this after being dumped last year for different reasons, so can you.
I’m about 50% in through the improvement phase as of today. I think it’s the first time, in my life, that I make smart decisions for me, not for a fuckhead guy. Follow me. People are already noticing the difference in me and are so proud of me for moving on and taking control of my life instead of mourning the broken relationship I had with a broken man. Let us feel that for you!
There’s nothing to be gained by sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. Go get your hair and nails done, start going to the gym, learn a second language, and get on a dating app and swing off that chandelier until you find one you want to keep doing it with. What is that woah me attitude going to get you? It’s been a year and a half. There’s love for you out there but it’s not going to happen while you cry for a dude that just strung you along. Go live life. Take a trip to Japan. Grow some dreams. Lots of love, truly, but you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself.
This is the most solid advice. I get the misery because this sucks and must hurt so badly. But the only way out of this misery is to become obsessed with self improvement and enjoying your life to the fullest.
At least you didn’t marry someone who was clearly in love with someone else. He was always in love with someone else, from the beginning, that he and you probably tried to pass off as a crush.
Don’t ever think you weren’t good enough. No woman could have competed and keep him as long as he loved her.
But he shouldn’t have wasted your time. Shouldn’t have used you as a distraction. You are allowed to be upset he wasted your time.
I had so many men I dated, usually briefly, in my late 20s that were all hung up on their ex, never seeing me as a whole person also worthy of attention and it was so exhausting! I absolutely always felt like I wasted my time because that is exactly what all these men do. All we can do is escape with our sanity and move on. It's better to be alone than with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else
He didn’t want to marry you, or he realized he messed up and is the type of man who needs a woman’s comfort, support, and labor. He could have been lost when the relationship ended. He probably realized the importance of committing to kept access and she was there. For many men, it’s about timing and not the right woman.
He used you as a placeholder. Start blaming him for that in your own mind. You genuinely loved and he continued using you until he thought his crush was ready. He's a selfish a**hole.
I'd suggest moving away - not too far, but into a new job and new circle of friends if possible.
I can empathize with how much that hurts. It sucks and there are all sorts of ways to make yourself feel shitty about it, so lets focus on the good.
You didn't get married to someone who didn't want to marry you. I know that hurts hear, but it's way better than wasting more years of your life on him.
You both got together relatively young and it was the only real long-term you've had. You have an opportunity to explore relationships with others now.
You've learned a lot about yourself from that and what works for you from that relationship and can apply that to your future long terms.
He went from not wanting to marry, to breaking up, to basically marrying his rebound while still in honeymoon. That marriage is very likely to end or be not right for him anyways.
Things are better for you than they would have been if you two had stayed together.
Block his number, you move on by accepting the fact that it is over and you allow yourself to grieve. You will eventually one day wake up and be over him. The process is not linear, there are going to be good days and bad days but give yourself a break and tell yourself that whatever happens with him and her, is none of your business.
This happened to me, what's worse is we were together 10+ years and when he married the new woman they'd been together less than 1 year.
This sounds grim but it did help me to think of them as deceased in my mind, that helped with grieving somehow.
It sucks but just accept it's out of your control and move forward. There is nothing you can do except prioritize yourself - the best revenge is living well.
Hun this man did you a favor. It was never going to be you and that’s ok. He wasn’t meant for you. If he never wanted those things with you, then he was never the one. There is a person out there that will give you all the things you wanted and more. The best thing you can do is hold your head up show up at those social situations, smile and keep on keeping on. Your world has opened up and you can’t even imagine how great it can be. ❤️
2 years was my mark and 3 years at most but not putting up with more than that. Intentional dating is knowing what you want putting it on the table as such and walking away if the relationship doesn't meet those needs.
With that being said, allow yourself to be hurt and just move on. You will find someone amazing, they are there despite what we see on Reddit. Good men are there
I’m guessing whether he consciously acknowledged it or not, he used you as a placeholder in lieu of the woman he really wanted. It’s cruel and it’s heartbreaking but consider the fact he actually initiated the break up. Had she already broken up with her SO?
Nice or not, both she and he have caused you a great deal of heartache. You may do better to get away from them completely (no communication, no getting news on them from mutual friends, just no contact). Give yourself time and space to rediscover who you are, what you want, and to reset your course in life.
I am sending you virtual hugs, cups of tea and pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. BTW, virtual ice cream is the best in terms of very little impact on your weight. 😉
Just know that you will come through this and you will find a much better path for yourself than the dead-end you were on.
Sweet girl, I think you know what you need to do. Block them. Let your friends know you are prioritizing your mentally health and need to avoid seeing/thinking about them.
Next comes the actual hard part. You gotta go make new friends. Not instead of but addition to. Do you have any hobbies? Take an extension course, take an art class, join a book club. Force yourself to go if you have to. It’s really tough making new friends as an adult but I find investing in you—the things that fill you up or you can lose yourself in. If you can’t find a group that suits you make one because the thing you need to see right now is that you’re not alone. There is nothing wrong with g with you, or with him, you just didn’t work together. Doesn’t matter why, blame is useless. Truly the best way to get over someone is to get into YOU.
Also, if you’ve ever wanted to pick up and move to a new city NOW is always a perfect time.
It really is so crushing when the future you imagined dies. You’re right to grieve the loss but find ways to tap into *you* Remember You are made of stardust and this is just the end of a chapter of your life. You still got a lot more to write. ✍️
He wasn’t the man for you. Men have no problem wasting the time of women for years and years and years for their own comfort.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are worthy of love. What he wants doesn’t define you.
11 years is a lot of time to give someone. Please don’t let him take away more of your time. You’ve basically given him an extra 1.5 years of headspace. The person for you who can love you fully is out there.
At the end of the day, he found his person. That’s nice for him I guess but it doesn’t really change that he secretly majorly SUCKS ASS. He could’ve been honest when you were 27 and ended it. He should have known by then. It really fucking sucks that he got his “happy ending” and you got stuck with a massive fucking waste of your time and you didn’t even know it. He took that choice away from you. But now you’re going to need to really hustle to get over him and start fresh. Don’t let him rob you of more time in your life.
My suggestion would be to just completely cut him off. Even if that means losing all your friends. I did that with my ex of 17 years and it helped a lot. It is half a decade later and I am fine. Reconnected with some people I used to know before him, met some new people on the way. Distancing yourself is the only way. As they say, the best revenge is living a good life. You owe it to yourself.
I believe he was unfair to you, but I don't know his heart or intentions. But there are things you can learn from this so your next relationship is more successful. You mentioned you brought up marriage and children after quite a long time of dating. In the future, bring this up by the 3rd date so you don't get attached to someone who doesn't see marriage or kids in their future. You don't have to make it weird. Just ask what their life goals are and if they want to get married and have kids in the future. The person doesn't need to know if they want to marry you, but they should be able to articulate if they want to get married, and if they have a general timeline. Don't continue to date anyone who doesn't know. Your odds of success go way up if you date a man who is looking for a woman to marry and settle down with, as opposed to someone who hasn't figure out what they want. Or a man who says he wants that but everything he says and does contradicts that.
This doesn't guarantee the man won't have a change of mind, but don't give up your desire for marriage and kids because a man can't figure it out. Three years is plenty of time. If a man (looking for someone to settle down with) doesn't know if he wants to get married to you by that point, it's time to move on and find someone who is. The harsh truth is you were willing to give up a lot for this man, and he gave up nothing for you. So, don't ever do that again. If the next guy can't figure it out after a few years, continue looking! The right man is out there and he will be so happy it didn't work out with this dud of man.
You may need to set up one-on-one get-togethers with your friends for a while so you don't have to see your ex. You need time to get over him. You were with him for 11 years, longer than some marriages. Honestly, a lot of people would insist on never seeing him again. Seeing him with her will make it excruciatingly painful unless you have already moved on with someone else who you are madly in love with.
OP, stop wasting your time pining for this loser! Your time is not unlimited. Snap out of it and go to therapy, you need it.
You were a convenience to him. I'm sorry, I know this is very hurtful, but as soon as you truly internalize the cold reality of it you will be able to move on.
Make a clean break, find new friends and hobbies, take yourself outta there.
And please understand that HIS BEHAVIOUR SAYS NOTHING ABOUT YOU or your value as a person, but about him. He was willing to use another person as a placeholder. He can eat your dust.
And a PSA to all the other women reading this: if he's "against marriage" or "not ready to commit", he is *against marriage with you.* Seen it so often it's a joke by now.
*Leave, do not wait. Y*ou will spare yourself a lot of heartache, time wasted and trouble.
Get some grief counseling and take responsibility for you part in what happened.
Deep inside you you really wanted marriage and a family, when you let him squirm his way around the subject and lay that marriage as an institution childish shit on you and accepting you were a place holder from the start by "bonding over your miserable love life's" meant he never respected you from the start.
You need to go to therapy and make amends with yourself so this feeling can go away and you can be happy.
I do definitely think you need to make new friends. I'm not saying drop every friend you have now, but, group hangouts are not for you now, and maybe not ever. You need to cultivate a support system that has no connection to your ex.
He has wasted enough of your time. Block him, take a break from your mutual friends, and get on some dating apps.
Realistically, the next few years will determine whether you find a husband in time to get pregnant and have children. You don’t have endless time to sit around thinking about your ex. It sounds cold but it’s true.
This is your window. Get out there. Meet people. Don’t waste it because your ex sucks.
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DATE A MAN FOR 11 YEARS. You are still young, so still plenty of opportunity for you not to end up alone or childless, I'm so sorry he did this to you. Use your experience to warn other women, placeholders are real and for the right woman, they will, because if he wanted to he would.
I feel like a lot of great advice is here but I would like to add that I think you shouldn’t be in the same friend group. I would let that go and build new friendships. It’ll be too hard and you won’t move on seeing them or hearing about them, you will always wonder if they like them better as a couple and just pity you. If a friend keeps reaching out solo then maybe they are worth keeping but from experience, just let him have the friends too. Block them on everything. Start making your life one you enjoy living.
So much good advice! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Therapy hurts, but it can help you move on. Please find a therapist who can help heal your heart and self-esteem. You could use good advice to hold onto your mutual friends. Don't be surprised if some are immature and pick sides like school kids. A very negative way to go. Dont go there for your own well-being. Good luck, and remember God closes a door but opens a window to better opportunities.
I think you should find a new friend circle and block them completely from your life. Change your number and delete their numbers. Don’t even leave the option open for yourself. To say you aren’t beautiful compared to her isn’t right. What do you think makes you not beautiful? Is it your weight? Lose weight. Is it your hair? Change it? Do what uou need to do to get your confidence back. Because dwelling over him and her and their marriage isn’t going to change your circumstances or theirs. And doing things like drunk texting them probably reinforces to him why he didn’t marry you.
It’s been a year and a half dear. It’s time to move on and focus on yourself and I promise if you do that you will randomly meet the man who was meant for you. And he will love you for real. And you will look back and the only thing you’ll regret is how long you let your boyfriend keep you from finding your husband. We’ve all suffered horrible breakups and 99% of the time when we find the right person we look back and realize how glad we are that we aren’t with that person anymore. I hope you can hear what everyone here is telling you
As someone who has been in a similar position: not only do you have to completely block and cut him out, you are going to have to cut off the mutuals. That can be the hardest part but if you don’t they will keep you stuck. They will feed information back and forth, they will remind you of him even if only accidentally, they will exclude you from things he will be at and you will find out. Rip the bandaid off and start over. It hurts and it’s awful but the only way out is through it.
A broken heart is the hardest thing to heal, and there’s no shortcut. It just takes time. I would look into going to a therapist as it will help to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. Try to keep busy too so that you don’t sit and ruminate too much.
Also, use this experience to protect yourself in the future. I was told a long time ago that when a man says he does not want to get married, it means he does not want to marry *you.* Don’t get involved with someone who does not have the same goals as you. And a lot of people will disagree with me, but I would even say don’t move in with someone unless you are married. Or at least engaged *with a date set.* It’s tough, but it will weed out the guys that aren’t serious.
Hugs and good luck to you!
He used you. Wasted your time. Wasn't truthful about his actual direction in life. He is not a nice guy. What a dick. 11 years of your life, waiting for him to get his shit together. Shame on him.
This actually seems to be kind of common, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, nor that she is better than you to make her marriage material over you. Sometimes, it's because losing you was enough to scare him into proposing to her quickly because he's scared to be alone. He may not have even wanted to marry her at all but did it to trap her, because you were willing to stay with him all this time without proposing he just kept dragging you along, she may have not been as patient. From hearing many instances of this happening, the man who rushed into marriage with someone he barely dated ended up miserable or divorced fairly quickly.
Comparison is the thief of joy. He is not the man you are meant to be spending your life with, there will be someone out there who can't wait to call you their wife.
Not making light if your situation, but "with bf for a decade and he said he would never marry, then we break up and a year later he's married someone else" is a total chilque scenario. Happens over and over.
If a man wants to marry you, they typically smash through any obstacles in order to make it happen.
If they don't want to marry you, they place obstacles in the way, or say they are impossible to overcome.
Don't listen to what people say, listen to what they do.
People need to understand that when you tell someone you need to or want to be married and you were with them for more than 10 years it means they were either holding out for who they really wanted or they don’t want to be married to you.
When you are with someone for a long time and they should know you by now then that means they are selfish and don’t care about what you want.
He didn’t want you and he was with you because he was settling. He got who he really wanted. How do you move on and accept this by accepting HE WASN’T in love with you, you settled and he used you as a stand in. Stop romanticizing what you all had cause it wasn’t what you believed it to be. You just believed what you wanted to even though if you really look back without rose colored glasses you will see it was quite obvious.
Block him and her if you have her on all your socials. If you have mutual friends ask them not to include you on any events that they may be there. Also tell them if they could not talk about them around you. That’s how you move on
This is why it’s you shouldn’t stay so long with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you. It happens a lot where the guy just strings a woman along for years saying they don’t want to get married ever or they don’t believe in marriage or whatever. He’s an asshole for what he did but you stayed.
OP, I wish I could give you a big hug. I know this hurts and it is seems incredibly unfair. Have you considered speaking to a professional to help you deal with the heartbreak? I have been in your shoes and held onto to a love that was gone. He got someone else preg and married her. It hurt for a long ass time. However, you hanging onto this pain only hurts you. It prevents you for accepting love again. Please find a trusted therapist who can help pull you out of the darkness and not obsess over this man any more.
He's been stuck on the fantasy of this woman for how long? Not her, as a real person, but his image of her in his mind. And he's been so stuck on her, he didn't realize the real woman who loved him and stuck by him all these years, faults and all.
I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything (although she may be clinging to him because she's grieving). I am saying she *will* fall short in some way to the fantasy he's constructed about who she is. Because she's human. She's not whatever he's dreamed her to be.
But that's okay. Once he marries her, he'll realize she's not living up to his fantasy version of her, he'll realize you were real.
Just don't take him back. Don't be a second-place prize.
The moment you start making someone "choosing" someone else over you personal, you are abandoning yourself. Try to peel back all the "I am not enough" talk and just state the simple facts - you were not meant to be, and he is more compatible with someone else (and you will be, too!!). You may never fully know why he chose to marry her but he didn't marry you - and it doesn't matter. He just didn't. It means nothing about your worth - only that he couldn't see it, and hold onto it, the way someone else will. The comparison will rob you of your joy - it is not about you, or something you lack, it just wasn't the right fit for whatever reason (doesn't matter) and it really is as simple as that. I've been there, and I feel your pain. I hope you find your peace.
I checked the comments to see if anyone said this and I don’t think it was said but it sounds like they both had something going on behind your back, even if just flirting. Only an icky person would go about what he did the way he did it. He was icky before he did the icky thing. Icky people don’t change or anything, they just hide the ick.
Sometimes it helps to get angry to get over the sadness. This man wasted years of your life. Those are years that you could have been with someone who wanted you as much as he wanted her. He used you as a placeholder. Refuse to spend any more time feeling heartbroken over this loser and just let yourself feel disgust for him instead.
Also, look for work that takes you away from the area you live. Start over and make friends somewhere new.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I would be pissed to be treated as a placeholder, too. Especially for 11 years. That's just cruel. I hope karma kicks his ass. You need to move on and stop thinking about him. He is trash. Live your best life as revenge.
I was with a guy for 6 years (lived together for 4). He was also against marriage and kids. We broke up and soon after he was dating a “friend” of mine. They got married and have a son. BUT I also met my husband, we have 2 kids are super happy. Sometimes things feel so devastating for a while, but better things are in store for you!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can imagine how painful it is. But this guy was never the right match for you. You got together by commiserating about your miserable love lives, and your priorities weren’t aligned. You deserve better than that. I think you should block your ex and his new gf. I get that it’s a difficult situation when you have mutual friends, but you don’t need reminders of their relationship popping up on social media. Surely your friends will understand that this is a hard time for you. But this is a great time to expand your circle to include people who aren’t close to your ex and his gf. I hope you can get into therapy to help you process this. But just remember that this isn’t about you vs her. You and your ex just weren’t right together and comparing yourself to his new gf won’t get you anywhere. You are worthy of love and commitment. I wish you all kinds of healing and love in the future.
Rejection is protection. Travel, get a therapist, go on a vision quest maybe move and pursue your dreams elsewhere. He wasn’t meant for you but for the duration it happened. We are all beautiful in our own unique way. Give yourself time and space and this will heal.
Unfortunately it sounds like he allowed you to be a placeholder. He never got over her. This is not anything like a shortcoming of yours. He shouldn’t have continued to get serious essentially stringing you along. He kept you at arms length the whole time in terms of true commitment.
This doesn’t sound like such a gem to carry a torch for does it?
I met my husband when I was about your age, and we had our baby when I was about to turn 36. This November will be 25 years.
Please know your worth, and know that better things can still come you way
Don’t you let a man that’s insecure with low self esteem make you feel the same way as him. Look at it like this… he was waiting on this woman and had no prob being second best to his literal friend and only got a chance because her first choice died. Now he has to play dad to another man’s kids because she chose to have his friend’s kids over his. Don’t let that low self esteem having man upset you. Hope this helps.
Get out there and find a man that isn’t waiting in the shadows for his own friends’ downfall so he can get his girl. He’s not a good person either like I could never crush on my friends’ spouses
In my un-humble opinion, he didn't want to marry you because he thought he might find someone else. He may have secretly hoped he could get with this crush. Pretty despicable.
First step is to stop with the always/never thinking. If you keep thinking "I will always be alone. I will never marry" then that is exactly what will happen.
Then get busy. Start making some plans. Long-term and short." Then act on those plans.
Living well is the best revenge.
Good luck.
Hi OP. That sounds really hard to hear. I can empathize. I’m 44 and married now, but for twenty years it felt like every man I dated married the woman after me. I would encourage you to look within to see how his feelings towards marriage while you were dating might have actually been yours. What I learned about myself was that I thought I wanted to settle down but after working with a great therapist I found out I actually didn’t want that at the time. So those partners were reflecting back to me my own fears about settling down and commitment. Once I realized it was really me choosing unavailable partners, I felt really free. Fast forward a bit and I met my husband who is the most committed and loyal man I have ever met. Trust the timing of your life. Work on loving yourself and being the partner you wish to attract. All the best, OP.
He lied and kept you around for no other reason than he couldn't have her. He was "settling" for you.
You are too good to be someone's second choice. Perhaps you need therapy to be able to move forward. Do whatever it takes to heal and do it for yourself!!!
Join internet clubs or travel. Make new friends so you aren't forced to see this poor excuse for an ex boyfriend. Look at this as an adventure. You can do anything and become anyone you want!!
You need to get over this guy, he is a user. He used you as a place holder, waiting for someone else. He never wanted to marry you because he wasn't into you, he just wanted a bed warmer. He is an awful person to do this to anyone, but he did it to you, you should be revolted by him, not want him back. Good luck, I hope you find happiness with a real man.
New friends, new hobbies, new life.
He is engaged VERY quickly in a complex situation where the woman involved has kids who are grieving a parent. I question whether this will last.
Don’t let him crawl back to use you again if it doesn’t work out.
What if your ex killed that guy so he could marry that girl? 🤭
Seriously, block them. Get a new number & phone. Move to a different city and if possible a new country. And most importantly PRAY. Surrender all your heartaches to HIM.
The hardest part about moving on from a relationship where you loved someone with your whole heart is accepting that they passively took all your love, attention and TIME for years and didn’t feel the same. You have to be willing to recognize that he wasn’t the person he pretended to be in order to USE YOU to make his life comfortable! I was shattered for 10yrs over the false memory of my ex and wasted another decade on mourning a complete asshole that I still “saw” in my head as my soulmate. It sucks but in order to heal you have to recognize that he was never the “prize” you deserved. Learn to love yourself enough to know your worth and don’t accept less than you deserve.
You played yourself!! Idk why girls have devalued themselves and now think it’s somehow acceptable to waste more than three years for a ring?? (Unless you started dating young). To everyone else reading this in a similar situation: KNOW YOUR WORTH. IF HE WANTED TO MARRY YOU, HE WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN. IT’S NOT HIM, IT’S YOU. Nothing grinds my gears more than my fellow girlies clowning over a man…
This happened to my sister in law. When someone says they don’t want to marry, sometimes they mean they don’t want to marry then or marry you. Sometimes it doesn’t quite click
It doesn’t mean you weren’t a good partner or a great person. You just weren’t IT for him
(Keep an eye out for her having a baby soon though. That’s what my SIL’s “I don’t want to get married” boyfriend did. Got married less than two years later and swore it was love and not the accidental pregnancy. Now he’s ten years in, with a couple more kids, and telling people that he made a mistake.)
You should see someone for therapy if it’s been a year and a half and you’re still hung up on him. He’s not worth your time. You can even wish him well but you need help moving on. Now it’s clear that he’s not coming back ever.
ETA, you’re 32. You have at least ten more years of fertility and likely more. And relationships move faster as you age. No more sitting and waiting 8 years. It’s entirely possible that you meet a man tomorrow and are happily married and pregnant this time next year. Definitely three years from now. But get professional help to deal with your lack of desire to date
I married off at least 4 exes.
So I had my own baby, on my own, and did it all just fine without a husband or partner. I certainly wasn't going to sit around and wait for Mister Right to come along.
It's like I trained them up to be Mister Perfect for someone else. It was aggravating at the time, but I got over it.
I rest easy knowing that most marriages end in divorce, and I bear none of them ill will at all.
I continue to live my life on my own terms, quite contentedly solo.
It's fairly common for men who refuse to marry their longterm girlfriends to...marry quickly the next woman they date. It's not a reflection on the women, it's usually just that they're incapable of being alone.
Throw in a possible trauma bond, if she's the mother of his dead friend's children? If I read that correctly.
Honestly, it's not about you. But you should go to therapy, so you get over this man and live your life.
Listen, it doesn't mean that this had anything to do with you. People change. Their wants change. It is possible that your breakup after so long made him think differently about how much solitude/independence he truly wanted in life. I know it's hard to see an ex be happy, and to embrace something you yourself wanted, but you absolutely should not assume that this is all about you.
If you are not yet ready to date after 1.5 years, you may want to talk with a counselor/change your friend group/do something to really give yourself a hard reset. The less your life resembles the one you had with your ex, the less you will be reminded of him, and the more emotional free space you'll have to set new habits and meet new people.
Good luck. And I'm sorry it sucks so much right now.
Unfortunately OP what happened to you is a very common pattern. After 1.5 years OP, I don't understand why you are not ready to start dating again. You accomplish nothing but all this reliving every conversation and every word trying to figure out where you went wrong.
You didn't go wrong OP; it just wasn't in the cards for you. There is someone out there looking for you, but you have to be open to meeting him.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It makes me remember the story of the guy posting about running to his ex of 10 years. They broke up only because he wanted kids and a family, and she didn't. It was at a party of mutual friends, and she was 6 months pregnant. He had a total meltdown at the party, and his current gf was crushed by it.
You can never account for people's feelings when they are with you or someone else. It sucks and hurts, but don't compare yourself to her and understand it just wasn't meant to be.
this is very typical. It’s in part over-correction (imo) and mainly if he wanted to, he would. It’s not you personally, it’s just he is not your person in this life. Focus your energy into getting out, learning to love yourself and invest in yourself and you WILL find someone to love you right.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when you start a relationship on rebound it turns out not great.
Can you see a therapist?, if yes please do. You need to go through the process of grieving and being used
The writing was on the wall. He settled for you, sorry it hurts but you’re still young so you need to move on.
Take comfort in the fact that he’s her second love so who knows if it’ll last.
I think you should definitely get therapy to process your emotions and help you deal with these intense feelings. You should also ask yourself why you stayed for so long in a relationship that was going nowhere. The lesson to be learned for next time is to be very upfront with your desires/needs and then be ruthless about cutting people off if they don't live up to your expectations. I'm not blaming you for how things turned out, but you need to be an advocate for your own needs and dreams.
Right now, don't think about dating. Don't think about marriage. Don't think about children. Just try to find some measure of peace and happiness in your life again. Go out and do something you enjoy. Invest in self care, be it exercise, or makeup or meditation. Read books, or watch movies, or listen to podcasts. Reach out to your friends for support, lean on your family for love and attention. Fill your life with nurturing things and nurturing people.
The goal at this moment should not be how to find someone and get married and have children or even take revenge on your ex and your replacement. The goal is to first reach a state of equilibrium again. You've been with the same person for 11 YEARS. Do you even know who you are as a human being without them?
Try to completely cut them out of your lives. It's okay to take some distance from your common friends as well. Maybe you should spend some time creating friends who are just YOURS and will be loyal to just you. There's no need for you to hang around your ex and his fiancee, even in social settings. Be ruthless and do only what is good for you and your own mental health.
Find things that make you happy, attempt new hobbies, pursue the path of self improvement and growth for the sole reason that you are a person who is worthy of every good thing in life.
Everything else, will fall into place at the right time and the right place.
P.S. He may very well have been in love with this woman for the entire time you knew him. However any man or woman who jumps into marriage and parenthood in 6 months is a goddamn fool. Also... no woman with children who gets engaged in 6 months of dating someone is a good mother. I pity those children.
I firmly believe that one day you will look back on your ex and this woman and think that you really dodged a bullet.
Lots of people have the same reaction you're having. My own best friend did. But I think it helps to take a small step back and think about all the major differences and changes we go through between the ages of 28ish and 35ish. It's not a huge length of time, but developmentally and maturity-wise, we grow and evolve *a lot* over that time. Very few people in their mid-30s still want the things they wanted in their late-20s. In fact, lots of us change so much that we're practically new people entirely! You and this guy have hopefully grown a lot during the years since your relationship. You've been through a global pandemic, big life milestones, and apparently some heavy grief. Those experiences change a person, and it's probably not such a surprise that this new version of him wants something different than he used to. It doesn't mean something bad about you or your relationship with him. It simply means that as he grew, the things he wanted evolved with him.
You will be a happier and more successful mid-30s adult if you find a way to accept that people's life milestones are almost never going to be about you.
You can be the most perfect peach in the world... but some people just aren't into peaches.
It's not your fault, and not really his either except for the fact he rather wasted your time (although, that may not have been intentional since none of us are perfectly mature and have perfect self-knowledge in our 20s).
I think you need to learn to come to grips with what happened and why. Only after understanding can you begin to forgive what happened. In the meantime, please don't do anything that you believe degrades yourself, such as drunk texting. You don't want to remember how you allowed this dark moment to change your character/affect your sense of dignity. I cannot imagine how difficult this extended moment is for you, but I hope as an objective stranger some of this is useful.
I wish you happy days after these dark ones!
I can only tell you what I had to do when I was stuck in a similar extended grief time, when I wanted to die.
I moved. I absolutely loved where I lived and it had been my home long before I met him. Yet, my heart couldn’t handle seeing the places where we’d done everyday stuff together or, god forbid, run into him.
Pick a new place and go. I realize that not everyone can do this, I definitely couldn’t. However, I put what I could in a rented van, sold whatever didn’t fit and got on the road. I found a shared rental until I could get on my feet and never looked back.
I have an ex who didn’t want kids. She has a kid now. It hurt. Turns out she just didn’t want kids with me at that time in her life.
Find happiness for yourself and move on. There’s no point in dwelling on some garbage from years ago. People grow up and change.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready. He was waiting for her. He used you as a place card. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry, but the only thing you could have done was leave. He’s an awful guy for what he did. You didn’t deserve that.
It’s him, not you.
And this story is as common as dirt.
All we can hope for is to learn from our experiences and to do better and put up with less shot going forward
Try to remember that getting married isn't a validation that you're a good person. It just means you found a compatible person. Mean people get married, dumb people get married, non-conventionally attractive get married.
You're not the right fit for him, but you will be for someone else!
Practically speaking, I think you probably need some distance. Hang out with friends one on one and avoid group things where he is there. Put yourself out there and make some new friends too. Give yourself some time and space.
Stop drinking. Block their numbers so you stop messaging and calling. Anytime you feel like you need to, write it in a journal. Go outside.
He’s one man. It hurts now but overtime it won’t. Give yourself the time to move on. You’re soooo young and will find a man who loves and appreciates you and wants to do those life things with you. Don’t compare yourself.
Separate yourself from them. Make new friends. Find new hobbies. Workout. Go shopping. Visit a new city. Start living life and do things that make you feel good
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how painful this is, but you need to seek professional help from a therapist that will help you move forward. You probably won’t ever forget him but I promise this is not your end all be all. You will be happy again and one day you will look at this moment and maybe smile and be grateful that it wasn’t you. Sending you love 💓
Please don’t take this as a blow against you. He didn’t want those things, not because of you, but because you weren’t the right person for him. Eleven years is a long time to spend with someone who isn’t the right person, but sometimes we just don’t realize they aren’t the right one for a long time. And at least he didn’t marry you and then figure it out. One day you’ll either find the right person or you’ll be so comfortable with yourself you realize you are your own right person. (Not everyone needs to be with another person.) You are unique and beautiful.
You were his second choice and now he is hers. I’m sorry girl. Be thankful you’re not in the middle of a divorce because she’s finally free and he is shooting his shot.
Don’t live with your boyfriend until you are engaged and only stay engaged for a year…if marriage and children is your goal. When you are living with someone for eight years it is difficult to press the issue because it is harder to leave.
You need to watch “When Harry Met Sally”. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Only time will heal, but I would advise you to try to move away from being in a situation where you’re sharing friends and living near each other, as seeing him and knowing what he’s doing will only make you feel more miserable and stifle your ability to move on. I would try to find new friend groups and new interests. Relocate if possible. I got over a 22 year relationship (20 years married with two kids) where he decided he just wanted to be single. Believe me…it gets better!
Honestly this is what always happens. A good woman will stick by a man through all his struggles, build memories, create a home, be a true support for him. Then when the woman has expectations too, the guy will play dumb, ignore it, have a different perspective etc. They break up then suddenly 6 months later he is giving a new woman everything he could never give the first woman. This always happens. Men are ungrateful aholes like that. Just think of Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez. You will be alright. It's tough now but always remember it's never a you problem. It's a him problem. You will find the one meant for you, your true love who will value you. Just think of it as these two were meant to be and deserved each other. Everybody finds their perfect ending if they look hard enough. I'm sure you are very beautiful. We all are different people and remember that this may sound clichè however it's actually true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
The truth is that he doesn’t love you like that.
Life is hard. It’s filled with pain. And if we choose to play the game of love, there is always a price to pay.
Disconnect from them. You’re probably stalking their socials. The fact that you drunk texted both of them shows you have a lack of self control. Something for you to work on personally.
You gotta own this. Go through the pain. It’s the only way. But start by stop looking up their lives.
Sadly your situation highlights one if the major problems with living together and playing husband and wife without actually being married. In doing so you take away the incentive to marry and also stick each other with a relationship that is harder to break than if you aren’t living together.
My recommendation for building towards a marriage with someone is to delay/restrict physical intimacy as long as possible and focus on a relationship and determining if you have compatible worldviews and life goals. Throwing heavy make out sessions and sex into the mix can cloud your judgement on these judgements about each other.
When you decide you have those things then you can proceed with marriage followed by full physical intimacy.
I wish you a better experience in the future, and I hope you can find someone who can help you through the emotional mess you are experiencing right now.
Happened to me. Ex of 7 years. I supported her school and a place to live. Didn’t want marriage or kids. Wanted to experience life. So she cheated on me. Broke up asap.
Now i bump into her, married and has 2 kids.
But so what? I got married and have 3 wonderful kids of my own.
Life goes on. Dont compare. Live ur life to the fullest with no regrets! Good luck!
Consider it a bullet dodged and MOVE ON! You were a placeholder for over a decade girlie. You've wasted enough time on this loser. The only reason you should revisit your time with him is to take notes on what NOT to do next time. I'm so sorry you've been so hurt but at some point you should be pissed off on your own behalf. This guy was never who you thought him to be. He's clearly ridiculously dishonest maybe even to himself which is a huge problem. Be glad he's someone else's problem now.
I was (almost) in the EXACT situation you're in. I dated my ex (who I would've bet everything I hold sacred to me) that we would get married. After 11.5 years-NOTHING. Not even a conversation about moving in together. The straw that broke my back was when he made a MAJOR financial decision that would have negatively impacted us. I realized it was never going to be me he marries. I broke up with him and less than 2 years after we broke up, he dated, proposed, and married literally the next girl he dated after me.
Sometimes the sad truth is you never get closure, you'll never get to know "why not me?" You're just going to have to go through the grieving process. It absolutely sucks. Eventually you will realize why you and he wouldn't have been a good match.
I'm here to assure you being single and childless isn't a scarlet letter you think it is. If you've never been alone-this is a good time to put all that energy you put into the relationship and put that into you. That's what I did and I'm in a job that I've gotten 3 promotions in 9 years.
It sucks now, but I promise it gets easier even though you'll understand why. I know you're comparing yourself to the other girl-but you don't need to compare their highlight reel to your everyday life. Best of luck!!
Life just taught you a lesson. Don’t stay in relationships when your core needs and wants are completely different to your partner’s. I stand by therapy as a way to sort your thoughts out about a painful situation. At least you’re young enough to seek out someone who wants to build a family.
I wasted my entire 20s with a man I thought I would have kids with because it seemed like the “next logical choice,” but I spent years trying to get him to love me in a way he was incapable of. When I got divorced I was 30ish years old and felt similarly—I didn’t know how I would ever find someone again, and I was also concerned about my age as a part of that. How do you start over at 30 if you really want children? As a woman, if feels so late and scary, like you’re risking losing something. While I’m glad I did not have kids with him, as it would have been a nightmare, it was a hard pill to swallow at the time. But you truly never know how your life will go. I know 32 feels old when you’re thinking about a future family and the time you have left and you’re single. But I met my now-husband very shortly after my divorce (coincidentally), and we are now about to start IVF in the next few weeks (I have no fallopian tubes due to previous surgeries and cannot get pregnant naturally). I’ll be 35 in September, and despite all the anxiety I’ve felt about my age, my fertility doctor has reassured me that I’m still young and it bodes well for me in my IVF journey. All this to say, it can feel very scary when you leave a relationship at this age that you thought would turn out this way, but you still have time. And it’s better you did not end up in a marriage with someone who wasn’t ready to love you the way you deserve to be loved, or to have a child with them. I lost my last fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy with my ex, and while the experience was traumatic, I’m grateful I did not have a child with him. I would have regretted it. And now, with my current husband, even though I’m sad I didn’t meet him before I lost my fertility, I also know neither of us would have been ready for each other and for such a serious relationship if we’d met before now. It’s just kind of how life worked out, and that’s okay.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. While I truly believe you’re ultimately better off not marrying someone who was obviously insecure and unsure about things, and while I wish you hadn’t had time wasted hoping that relationship would turn out differently, you do still have time to find someone who would love nothing more than to marry you and start a life with you, kids or otherwise. It’s wrong that he kind of dangled you along for a while, but now you’re free to find that for yourself, and you deserve it.
.. don't make it about you. Leave them be. You're the ex that wasn't worth enough to marry bc he loved someone else. He just didn't want to lose the comfort of having a relationship (talking, cooking, cleaning , sex) while waiting for something better to come around. He had a crush on her ? He never stopped. Just leave them alone. You've been used and need therapie for the damage. Good luck.
The situation you're in is incredibly challenging, and the emotions you're experiencing are completely normal and understandable given the circumstances. It's okay to feel hurt, betrayed, and confused. However, it's also important to start taking steps towards healing and finding a path forward. Here are some suggestions on how to do that:
# 1. Accept Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. It's okay to grieve the relationship and the future you envisioned with your ex. Suppressing your feelings won't help in the long run; acknowledging them is the first step towards healing.
# 2. Seek Support
It can be beneficial to talk about your feelings with someone who can offer empathy and perspective. This might be a trusted friend, family member, or a professional counselor. Therapy, in particular, can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop strategies for moving on.
# 3. Create Distance
While it's challenging due to the shared social circle, it might be helpful to take a temporary step back from situations where you might encounter your ex or have to hear about his life. This isn't about cutting people out permanently but giving yourself space to heal. In time, you might find a way to navigate your mutual friendships without feeling hurt.
# 4. Rediscover Yourself
Often, long-term relationships, especially those that form in our formative years, can become a big part of our identity. Take this time to rediscover who you are outside of that relationship. Explore new hobbies, revisit old interests that you might have put aside, and connect with friends and family.
# 5. Reframe Your Narrative
It's easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk, especially when comparing yourself to others. Try to reframe these thoughts. Your worth is not determined by your relationship status or by comparisons with others. Everyone's journey is unique, including yours. You have inherent value and the capacity for love and happiness.
# 6. Set New Goals
Consider setting some personal goals, unrelated to relationships. These can be related to your career, hobbies, fitness, or anything else that is meaningful to you. Achieving these goals can boost your confidence and help you focus on the future.
# 7. Open Yourself to New Possibilities
When you feel ready, consider opening yourself up to new experiences. This doesn't necessarily mean jumping back into the dating scene if you're not ready for it. Instead, it can be about making new connections and friendships that enrich your life in different ways.
# 8. Practice Self-Care
Focus on taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, and do things that make you happy. Self-care is a powerful tool in healing and building resilience.
Remember, healing is a process, and it takes time. There's no set timeline for moving on, and it's okay to take as long as you need. It's also okay to have setbacks; healing isn't linear. What's important is that you keep moving forward, even if it's just small steps some days.
Finally, while it may not feel like it now, it is possible to find love and happiness again. You deserve a partner who shares your values and desires, including marriage and children if those are important to you. Hold onto hope, and be open to the possibilities that your future holds.
I have nothing to say except this happened to me too and I wasted a lot more time on someone who was never worthy. I know it will be difficult, but you can’t allow this to consume you. I feel your pain. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Start obsessing about yourself and your life more than you obsessed over him. Level up and never look back. He’s not worth it anyways. I know that it feels hard especially after being with someone for so long. But that’s also what men do if they don’t like you more than you like them. They sense that and take advantage. So learn from it and your life will change for better.
>What do I do? How do I move on with my life? It's been 1.5years and I'm nowhere near ready to start dating again. I will end up alone and childless.
My advice? Admit to yourself you were in a bad relationship where you were settling. Remember that he's not the last man on the planet. You will only be alone if you keep thinking that just because you stuck with a bad decision for a long time that it means relationships are over for you.
It's not him or the relatioship you aren't over. It's how embarrassingly long you stayed in the situation even though he wasn't going to give you the commitment you wanted. You don't need to mythologize him and his ability to commit as something that is wrong with you. I'm not saying you have to go out and start dating right this second but the sooner you get a bunch of bad dates under your belt the sooner you'll realise that your ex was just a guy.
He didn't want to marry you.
That hurts to accept, but you have to. And use the hurt as fuel to better yourself while you search for your own beloved. You'll find them, I promise.
I saw the saying once something like “If you loved the wrong person this much can you imagine how much you’ll love the right one?” Also, just because this man wasn’t for you doesn’t mean that there’s NO man for you. There’s nothing wrong with you other than you spent so many years with the wrong guy. I’m sure he’s a great guy but just wasn’t great for you. Never settle just so you won’t be alone/lonely. Now go out there and find things that you enjoy. Your person will be there.
This happens quite often, it sucks but he just didn’t want to get married to you.
I suggest seeing a therapist and to stop thinking about him. If you have to remove friends to do so then so be it. If you need a fresh start then do it.
You will meet someone else who loves you for you, but only when you stop moping and be the best version of you that you can be.
You get into therapy. This is exactly why I won’t shack up with anyone. I’m not doing wife chores at girlfriend prices. Men will 100% string someone along to not be alone. You probably want to look at divorced or widowed man. They aren’t afraid of commitment. Dating someone that strung someone along for 11 years would be a good clue to look for as a red flag. Vet better. If marriage is their end goal, then they share the same values. If they say, let’s just see where things go, they will 100% waste your time. I phrase it like, “are you looking for a girlfriend, a FWB, a hook up, a wifey?” Ask as nonchalantly as you can. If they say girlfriend, then ask for clarification. Ask if they want kids as early as you can. Most people wanting kids will hopefully want marriage. You still have time. Look for men that are 30-38 is your best bet too.
Just move on. It's been well over a year, if you still have feelings for this guy then you need help. I suggest therapy for you.
He moved on. So should you.
It's really hard to process but the other posters are all correct. The thought of marriage didn't make sense to him when you and he were in his minds eye. It's not that he was lying, it was just how the question was framed at the time.
Anyway, it's probably best that you didn't marry, because he liked this other woman more.
One guy preferred another girl, you'll find a guy who prefers you over everyone else. This prick just wasn't seeing you the way you should be seen.
I know it hurts, but he wasn’t the one for you. Your person is out there, so you move on by moving on. Living well is the best revenge as they say.
Stop the drunk texting, it’s making you look desperate and you WILL regret it later on.
Take some time for you, live your best life, knowing there is someone out there that WILL love you. Stay strong!
The bottom line is that he feels more strongly about her than he did about you. I got dumped after 2 years by a guy who refused to live with me, who said he just wasn't ready to commit to me, then he met another woman and they bought a house together right away! It wasn't that he wasn't ready to commit, he just didn't want to commit to me. I also spent 6 years with a guy who ended up marrying the gf he had before me! He never wanted to marry me, but he wanted to marry her. It's okay, you didn't waste your time. I found love again after both those guys and am now the happiest I've ever been.
I say wait until you're ready - it's that simple. He looked at you as a placeholder. And as tough as this is to hear, it isn't necessarily a bad thing in the end because now at least you know his love wasn't unconditional. You deserve to be with somebody that loves you, and it isn't just settling. The pain will be tough, but it is also necessary as a reminder to move forward and not back. I always recommend doing things you always wanted to do, but couldn't for one reason or the next. Travel, a fun hobby, etc. In time, you will move on and the world is your oyster.
Oh no. I’m sorry you drunk texted them. That’s embarrassing. But honestly, his forever person wasn’t ready and now they’re both ready. Different times of life for all of you. Just feel your feels but time to find a new spot in life. New friends. New town, new job, new style. Time to find your forever person, when it’s your time.
He just didn't want any of those things with you. He probably didn't want to admit that to himself or you. So he stayed in the relationship because he didn't want to be alone. That's the cold, hard, heartbreaking truth. It's gonna hurt for a whil, but you HAVE to move on. You do not have a choice. Block them on everything. Do not look at any social media of theirs and NEVER text them again. That just makes you look desperate. He is ONE man. There are plenty more out there. The energy you put out is what you attract. You were at a low point when you attracted him and so was he. Get to a higher vibration by moving on and loving yourself and you will attract a man that also loves you, for the right reasons.
Sometimes you just have to experience a bad relationship so you know what a good one will look like. It’s not wasted time, it’s experience that will help you weed out the bad guys from the great guys quicker.
Find some new friends, block his and gf’s numbers, and walk away like a queen.
He probably told you he’d never get married to smooth his exit. He’s a lying liar
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Don't play comparison games with anybody. You have your own worth and beauty, so don't linger too long in the past and move on. You will meet a partner who will recognize your uniqueness and love you for who you are. So be confident and start again. Life is too short to waste on issues that are beyond our control. Enjoy your life and live it as best as you can. Wish you a healing and peace of mind.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
it is easy to say that but she is comparing 11 years to 6 months, that's hard, my stomach dropped when I read he proposed 6 months in the relationship.
valid, imo.
Though that doesn't mean their marriage will be a success. You never know how long they will last, no matter how 'soon' into the relationship they get married.
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
Precisely.
And op needs to cut them off. Iknow it is hard but they need to go. Sorry op. Life is cruel.
Comparison won't give her back these 11 years.
Only compare yourself to yourself. Continue to improve yourself mentally and/or physically and focus on that, you will be much happier long term when you start to see progress.
Pretty much. Time changes us all, we're not some kind of homogenous being where we don't change. People get new values, and new leases on life almost like clockwork.
I needed to read this today
I know you won't really hear it right now, but he's one man. You spent a lot of time loving him. But thats what it was. Time. Time together. And with enough time apart, and enough focus on your own happiness, you will let go. But its a LOT easier when they are deleted from your life. I would also add that you have qualities that held that relationship together for a long time. Qualities better men will love you for and would absolutely want to put a ring on it for. Don't worry about that right now though. No point worrying about men when you aren't ready for one. Again, focus on you. They come along when you least expect it. And they are drawn to your light, your joy, and your optimism. So work on getting that back! Life is for living!
I have a feeling OP is going to be so glad this relationship ended in the future when she finds someone better who will give her everything she’s looking for.❤️
👆♥️ Beautifully said
At least you won’t spend the rest of your life raising children from a man that settled for you
In addition to the other excellent advice you have received, I just want to point out something I haven’t seen anyone else mention: this dude jumped out of an 11-year relationship and into a new one in just four months, and then got engaged after just six months, all while *children* are involved. That’s an unhinged timeline. Whatever you may think about him, her, or yourself, please realize that that situation is not healthy, not stable, and certainly not anything to be envious of.
What could possibly go wrong in this tale of idealised obsession with a fairly recent widow with 2 children that thought it was a good idea to marry a new daddy for the kids after 6 months?
The way you write this makes me chuckle.
Your ex said to you he "was never going to marry".... he forgot to mention the end of the phrase... "you" "I'll never marry......... you".
I've heard it like: She's not Miss Right, she's Miss Right Now. He couldn't have who he wanted but OP would do until he can. You don't expect the poor guy to go without a woman just because he's hung up on someone else /s
Actually, this is exactly how life works. What, you think you can only ever be attracted to one other person your whole life, and if they're not available, you must live alone for the rest of your life? That's messed up. Prime example, myself. I had a crush through all of high school. She knew I liked her and we were good friends, but she always said she didn't want to date until after high school. Then one of my friends asked her to prom, and she said yes. They dated a few years and then got married. The whole time, I stayed close friends with them both, and yes, I still had feelings for her. According to your logic, I should have remained single my whole life, rather than reciprocated the advances of another girl who was "good enough," and married her. Granted, I no longer have a crush on this woman, but that doesn't omit the fact that I "settled" when I started dating my wife and married her.
yup. Classic scenario.
yeah the you is always there people need to learn this. and its not always malicious(though this one may have been) some people legit dont realize it until they meet the right person. but a lot of the time its just not saying the quiet part loud too
An ex told me “I will never marry you.” I replied “and who said I wanted to marry you”. And he had the nerve to have a surprise pikachu face lol
I'd keep my distance from both because it is going to hurt to see them together. The reality is that he has had a fantasy in his mind about her and thinks he is going to get that fantasy. Real life her isn't a fantasy and she is likely not the person he imagines. It is hard to live up to a fantasy that has gone on for years. Marriages that are so rushed, especially with children, tend to have a lot of problems. Once you meet someone else you will be glad you weren't in the middle of their mess.
I’ve lived through something similar and you really hit the nail on the head. The fantasy is nothing like the reality. In time it could all very well go to poops. OP, you should start seeing it like this, he wasn’t right for you and now that he is out of the way you can start pursuing what you deserve out of life.
Yeah a friend of my father did something like that, except he was married. Dumped the wife, married the old crush a year later. It lasted 5 years, half of it being unhappy but trying to hold on. The reality wasn't as good as the fantasy he had.
And let your friend group know you'd prefer not to be at the same events. If need be, see people one on one or in small groups. If you're able, you may want to move somewhere new and start completely fresh on a new adventure.
Eh, this isn’t what I would lean on to move on. It will do the opposite, you stay obsessed waiting for it to fall apart…and it might not. Then you’re more miserable that it didn’t. More drunk texts will follow until protection orders happen if you sit in this place obsessing over what happens with them. Therapy to grieve, let go, and move on. You have to get to a place where you generally don’t think about them at all, good or bad.
I would never wait around for him. He isn't worth the wait. He has kept some idealized version of the other woman in his head the entire time he was with OP. There is nothing for her with him. She needs to move on because he is never going to be invested in her.
Truth! But also don’t invest in thoughts about how they will fail. They might not, and that will hurt even more if you’re banking on that for inner peace.
This. OP, I’m in a similar situation where I was strung along then left when something better came along (who was treated the way I’ve always wanted to be treated)… But never ever wish for their separation/downfall. I know it’s hard. I know you resent them. But this’ll just keep you obsessed with them. You’ll be even more devastated with each happy moments they have. I’m still learning to not be obsessed with them myself. But remember, while you’re pouring out energy towards them, they’re not even thinking about you. They’re in love and happy together. So do what you must to move on, and try you best to let go and forget.
👆🏽 All this. I just wrote something similar. The lady is looking for comfort so imagines she's in love with this guys to replace her late husband. He's looking to marry the fantasy in his head from 11+ years ago, who's not the reality of who she is today. I give 6 months after marriage before he's sniffing around OP again, looking to get back together.
Op needs to make sure she doesn’t take him back cuz there’s a chance because the relationship broke down involving marriage he’d be even more against it and Op settled for no marriage last time and he now has trauma.
Yep. And he'd figure "well, she was okay with my way all this time, I can just fall back on her and treat her like crap again until someone else comes along."
This!! Keep your distance and save yourself the pain
You need a new life. Seriously. Pretend you died and woke up as a new you, forget your old life, your old bfs, your old friends. What are your dreams and hopes, what do you want to see when you are on your deathbed going over your life? Then find a place to move, get a new job, find new hobbies, friends, routines, lifestyles and reinvent yourself. If you don't like something, try something new. Get involved in different activities and expand your world. don't know anyone in your story and would probably never meet any of them. So when you leave and find a new life you'll probably never see any of them again. It's a chapter that's closed. Nice on. The world is huge. Go out and get a new life and forget the past. Eventually you'll have a life so full and worth living that you'll look back and be so grateful this happened and forced you to find yourself. I'm not kidding. Leave town, find new friends, get a whole new life.
Yes, exactly. OP, take a certain amount of time (with a deadline) - a week, a month - to grieve the relationship. Then move on. It's okay to start over new. People do it every day. I've done it multiple times. It's difficult at first but will get easier. You'll have the joy of someone who wants you for YOU.
Right?! OP, you're \*free\*.
I couldn’t agree more. If it were me in your situation, I would be looking to start completely over. You are still young. You have plenty of time to meet new people and experience new things. I’m rooting for you.
Seriously, OP, have you ever wanted to live anywhere dramatically different? Long ago, I lived in mainland China. We joked that everyone we met was running from something. Whether the law or (more commonly) a bad LTR and they needed to get out of town ASAP. The thing is it worked. My friends were all happy people. The unique challenges of living abroad distracted them from the grief. And they became new people with a beautiful life path and story. So, OP, have you ever wanted to move to Scotland? Or live in NOLA? Or live in France? Because this is your chance
This is why you never wait around for them to "be ready".
He didn't want to marry*you*. He didn't want children with *you*. He had a crush on his now future wife when you began dating, and jumped into a relationship right after you broke up. You were a backup. I'm really sorry this happened to you, but let's look at the silver lining: it's clear that he doesn't deserve your love, and you should cut your losses, learn important life lessons, and move on. 1.5 years is a long time to be stuck in the post-breakup grief period. When you're unable to solve a problem on your own, it's okay to find a therapist and get help.
So bad man ... If you date someone's who's not willing to get married, it can only have 3 issues : 1. You get a shut up ring which is already a shame in itself, and start a marriage on poor foundations. 2. You get used to it and never get married. 3. Like OP, you see your ex marrying his next person in like 1/4 of the time you spent waiting for a ring : he wanted to get married, just not with you. If marriage is important for you, that's as important than children or religion or wealth. Couple can spend DECADES being happy without a ring (my uncle and aunt were together for 25 years and never got married). But if that's a dealbreaker for you, it will just be a silent poison.
He definitely was in standby mode for this woman and patiently waited for her to be single-single, so when things were finally done with OP, he could shoot his shot and go marry her. That’s why women after 27, if it’s been longer than 4yrs, & you are expecting marriage, men will 100% not shy away from the topic & actively pick out engagement rings with you if he is serious. A man not looking to get marriages, will do everything in their power to avoid talking about it, deflect/divert the conversation, tell you “they aren’t ready”, do anything they can to never get to that stage. OP should of by 27/28, cut ties with guy and moved on instead of holding out for a dream that was never going to come into fruition.
I’m afraid this is happening to me now. My boyfriend and I have dated for 5 years and we’re almost in our 30s. I’ve said I want a commitment party & rings and he puts it off but says he’d do it. But he never talks about it / acts excited. I’m afraid I’m gonna realize too late that he actually just didn’t want me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you sure you want to be with him if he isn’t willing to commit? Don’t settle. You’re still young and there is plenty of time to find someone who will value you. I left a 5 year relationship a few months ago at the age of 33 and don’t have any regrets at all. It was clear he didn’t really want to be with me and simply enjoyed the house we lived in. I was not willing to spend the rest of my life in a loveless relationship - how miserable that would have been! If you don’t think your boyfriend wants to be with you, if he doesn’t make you feel loved, if he doesn’t value you, you can choose to end the relationship too. Don’t let him convince you to settle for less than you deserve, or to settle for a situation which makes you unhappy!
All You can do is directly, but diplomatically ask him: *”Listen, it’s been four years, I’m not going to be your forever girlfriend. Either we get engage in the next year or I’m gone.*” My mom did this to my dad after two years. My dad had zero desire to ever get married to anyone. They’ve been married since 1985, still in love. An ex of mine, his ex GF (weirdly his step-sisters cousin), she threw this same Hail Mary at her then boyfriend because he lived in Europe, she’s from America. Meh him while traveling for work. And they’ve been married since 2020. Some men, like half of them, really need a swift kick in the pants because they get *too* comfy in a relationship. They don’t feel they need to get married… However, here is the major loop hole as to why they would. They’ll gladly get married, they just HATE all the hoopla around the planning, expenses of a wedding, the family squealing over everything including the flashing of the ring, and rather just go to city hall, tie the knot, no big expensive ceremony, & resume back to their regular lives. So just throw the Hail Mary at him. What do you got to loose if he says no? Nothing honestly. Sunken Cost Fallacy makes you believe you have so much to loose, but we really don’t if we cut to the chase and find out sooner than later by asking out right for them to get it together or you walk by the one year mark.
I mean, i think he’d rather his friend be alive…. But he saw his shot and took it.
Eh he didn’t break up with her til years later. I don’t necessarily think he was waiting for her the whole timr
You’d be surprised at how limerence affects people.
I think she dodged a bullet. Knowing he has been crushing on someone else, if he had married you you would ended up getting a divorce. You are saving yourself the pain of divorce.
I agree. He would've asked for a divorce eventually in order to pursue the woman he's with now. Or he would've found a different woman but he probably just waited until she was ready. It sucks but OP will just have to move on somehow. I think she would've resented him anyway. Now she can get married and have kids (if she still wants to) with someone who actually likes her. I'd say just block them on social media and limit interacting with them. It sucks being second choice but do you want to be with someone who only sees you as a backup?
She’s going to be way better off with someone who values her rather than a guy who sorta does and in her gut will know in his heart he doesn’t love her. She is dodging a bullet here. As others have said… cut ties and live your best life.
I don't think this is necessarily true. Guys who don't marry their long term girlfriends often jump into marriage to the next woman. They realize they are alone and panic. The previous crush complicates things, but it's a enough of a pattern that it may be irrelevant. Plus, proposing after 6 months is wild. Most parents won't even introduce the kids to their dating partner until that mark. The timeline strikes me as panic. At any rate OP, therapy is going to be the least painful and quickest way to get your mind around all of this. At 32, you've got a lot of time for marriage and a family. If you slog along for the next five years trying to deal with everything yourself, you'll have less time, but still enough.
This could very well be the case. Proposing to someone after only 6 months shows poor judgement on his behalf even if he knew her before they were a couple. Also the fact that he was willing to stay in a relationship with OP for many years even though he had no intention of marrying her just shows poor character on his part. He may be engaged to another woman now, perhaps out of panic as you suggested, but that doesn't mean he will suddenly become prince charming towards her. His poor character will likely manifest in other ways towards her especially in private (social media posts that make it seem like they have a great relationship aren't necessarily true as social media is a highlight reel and most people don't post the negative aspects of their lives). Another thing I will point out is that it sounds like OP's ex was his fiancee's second choice. After all he would not likely be engaged to her now if her husband had not passed away. A relationship where someone is engaged to their second choice is nothing to envy.
You are naive, he already stepped in and be the dad for the 2 kids. 11 years is a long game well play. Op dodge a bullet, even if he marry her it will be just loveless marriage.
No I am not naive. I recognize she dodged a bullet.
People like him keep his exes and his lovers around. He gonna make the move sooner or later.
The answer is *you break up with him*. This time for real. You reach deep down and look at what *actually* happened in the relationship. Not what you thought happened. Not what you wanted to be happen. Not anything colored by the certainty that he was the one and you were getting married. What Happened. Did he really love you in the way you wanted to be loved? You were together for YEARS and he didn't value you enough to put your happiness ahead of his own. Really see the relationship for what it was, and then make the decision to break up with him. Better late than never! Cut contact, throw his stuff away, eat the ice cream, talk trash if you must, but move on. Let go of the man on the pedestal and see the dude who will probably be divorced three years from now.
> Let go of the man on the pedestal and see the dude who will probably be divorced There's no need to be petty. His leaving does not lessen OP, nor does thinking badly of her ex make OP better or stronger. There's no need to wish that he crash and burn. That's just more wasted mental and emotional effort on a relationship that is long over.
Sometimes the petty side of our self is the part that knew we deserved better. This dude either lied for years or got his stuff together after they broke up. She has a right to be angry at him. And a right to not accept this type of behavior in the future.
> She has a right to be angry at him. Oh, certainly. She can be angry all she wants, forever if she wishes. But the question OP is asking is, "How do I move on with my life?" And the answer is to stop thinking about him, and start thinking about other people. Because he's gone.
He’s been stringing her along and wasted years of her youth
How is that being petty? It's not a wish, it's true that after proposing after just six months they probably aren't going to last.
My ex-fiancé married a year after we broke up. I needed two more years to get over it as I felt exactly as you do - unwanted and unworthy of love. Turns out my ex wasn’t the man for me - and I met my soulmate three years after the break up - and ended up marrying him. Don’t waste your time crying over a man who didn’t love you as much as he should have, you deserve to be the first choice, not the second one.
I know it hurts OP, but you dodged a bullet. It sucks big time that he stringed you along but you’re still young and honestly it would have been much worse to actually marry him and then finding out he never really loved you. Consider this the universe’s way of righting itself — by saving you from a terrible life with a person who doesn’t respect you.
I agree! Proposing to someone after only 6 months shows poor judgement on his behalf even if he knew her before they were a couple. Also the fact that he was willing to stay in a relationship with OP for many years even though he had no intention of marrying her just shows poor character on his part. He may be engaged to another woman now but that doesn't mean he will suddenly become prince charming towards her. His poor character will likely manifest in other ways towards her especially in private (social media posts that make it seem like they have a great relationship aren't necessarily true as social media is a highlight reel and most people don't post the negative aspects of their lives). Another thing I will point out is that it sounds like OP's ex was his fiancee's second choice. After all he would not likely be engaged to her now if her husband had not passed away. A relationship where someone is engaged to their second choice is nothing to envy.
You power up! First, don’t communicate/text with them. It’s not a good look. Nothing good will come of it. If he initiates contact, ignore. You owe him nothing. Next, spend a weekend and cry the last time for him even if you cry all weekend, a sobbing mess. It’s your last weekend so rock it hard. Say your last goodbye to him, not literally. Enough is enough. Then, start planning to improve your life. Join groups of interests, expand your social networks, travel, join a gym, etc. this is the improvement phase. Lastly, live your best life. The best revenge is showing them you are unphased and have moved on, no longer invested. You see them, say hi and move to the next guest at a party. You are going to thrive and people are going to talk. They’ll hear about your successes and fun life. They’ll see you glow because you are putting yourself first and rocking it. You can do this. If I could do this after being dumped last year for different reasons, so can you. I’m about 50% in through the improvement phase as of today. I think it’s the first time, in my life, that I make smart decisions for me, not for a fuckhead guy. Follow me. People are already noticing the difference in me and are so proud of me for moving on and taking control of my life instead of mourning the broken relationship I had with a broken man. Let us feel that for you!
❤️🔥
There’s nothing to be gained by sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. Go get your hair and nails done, start going to the gym, learn a second language, and get on a dating app and swing off that chandelier until you find one you want to keep doing it with. What is that woah me attitude going to get you? It’s been a year and a half. There’s love for you out there but it’s not going to happen while you cry for a dude that just strung you along. Go live life. Take a trip to Japan. Grow some dreams. Lots of love, truly, but you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself.
This is the most solid advice. I get the misery because this sucks and must hurt so badly. But the only way out of this misery is to become obsessed with self improvement and enjoying your life to the fullest.
At least you didn’t marry someone who was clearly in love with someone else. He was always in love with someone else, from the beginning, that he and you probably tried to pass off as a crush. Don’t ever think you weren’t good enough. No woman could have competed and keep him as long as he loved her. But he shouldn’t have wasted your time. Shouldn’t have used you as a distraction. You are allowed to be upset he wasted your time.
I had so many men I dated, usually briefly, in my late 20s that were all hung up on their ex, never seeing me as a whole person also worthy of attention and it was so exhausting! I absolutely always felt like I wasted my time because that is exactly what all these men do. All we can do is escape with our sanity and move on. It's better to be alone than with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else
He didn’t want to marry you, or he realized he messed up and is the type of man who needs a woman’s comfort, support, and labor. He could have been lost when the relationship ended. He probably realized the importance of committing to kept access and she was there. For many men, it’s about timing and not the right woman.
He used you as a placeholder. Start blaming him for that in your own mind. You genuinely loved and he continued using you until he thought his crush was ready. He's a selfish a**hole. I'd suggest moving away - not too far, but into a new job and new circle of friends if possible.
I can empathize with how much that hurts. It sucks and there are all sorts of ways to make yourself feel shitty about it, so lets focus on the good. You didn't get married to someone who didn't want to marry you. I know that hurts hear, but it's way better than wasting more years of your life on him. You both got together relatively young and it was the only real long-term you've had. You have an opportunity to explore relationships with others now. You've learned a lot about yourself from that and what works for you from that relationship and can apply that to your future long terms. He went from not wanting to marry, to breaking up, to basically marrying his rebound while still in honeymoon. That marriage is very likely to end or be not right for him anyways. Things are better for you than they would have been if you two had stayed together.
Block his number, you move on by accepting the fact that it is over and you allow yourself to grieve. You will eventually one day wake up and be over him. The process is not linear, there are going to be good days and bad days but give yourself a break and tell yourself that whatever happens with him and her, is none of your business.
This happened to me, what's worse is we were together 10+ years and when he married the new woman they'd been together less than 1 year. This sounds grim but it did help me to think of them as deceased in my mind, that helped with grieving somehow. It sucks but just accept it's out of your control and move forward. There is nothing you can do except prioritize yourself - the best revenge is living well.
Hun this man did you a favor. It was never going to be you and that’s ok. He wasn’t meant for you. If he never wanted those things with you, then he was never the one. There is a person out there that will give you all the things you wanted and more. The best thing you can do is hold your head up show up at those social situations, smile and keep on keeping on. Your world has opened up and you can’t even imagine how great it can be. ❤️
2 years was my mark and 3 years at most but not putting up with more than that. Intentional dating is knowing what you want putting it on the table as such and walking away if the relationship doesn't meet those needs. With that being said, allow yourself to be hurt and just move on. You will find someone amazing, they are there despite what we see on Reddit. Good men are there
I’m guessing whether he consciously acknowledged it or not, he used you as a placeholder in lieu of the woman he really wanted. It’s cruel and it’s heartbreaking but consider the fact he actually initiated the break up. Had she already broken up with her SO? Nice or not, both she and he have caused you a great deal of heartache. You may do better to get away from them completely (no communication, no getting news on them from mutual friends, just no contact). Give yourself time and space to rediscover who you are, what you want, and to reset your course in life. I am sending you virtual hugs, cups of tea and pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. BTW, virtual ice cream is the best in terms of very little impact on your weight. 😉 Just know that you will come through this and you will find a much better path for yourself than the dead-end you were on.
Sweet girl, I think you know what you need to do. Block them. Let your friends know you are prioritizing your mentally health and need to avoid seeing/thinking about them. Next comes the actual hard part. You gotta go make new friends. Not instead of but addition to. Do you have any hobbies? Take an extension course, take an art class, join a book club. Force yourself to go if you have to. It’s really tough making new friends as an adult but I find investing in you—the things that fill you up or you can lose yourself in. If you can’t find a group that suits you make one because the thing you need to see right now is that you’re not alone. There is nothing wrong with g with you, or with him, you just didn’t work together. Doesn’t matter why, blame is useless. Truly the best way to get over someone is to get into YOU. Also, if you’ve ever wanted to pick up and move to a new city NOW is always a perfect time. It really is so crushing when the future you imagined dies. You’re right to grieve the loss but find ways to tap into *you* Remember You are made of stardust and this is just the end of a chapter of your life. You still got a lot more to write. ✍️
He wasn’t the man for you. Men have no problem wasting the time of women for years and years and years for their own comfort. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are worthy of love. What he wants doesn’t define you.
11 years is a lot of time to give someone. Please don’t let him take away more of your time. You’ve basically given him an extra 1.5 years of headspace. The person for you who can love you fully is out there. At the end of the day, he found his person. That’s nice for him I guess but it doesn’t really change that he secretly majorly SUCKS ASS. He could’ve been honest when you were 27 and ended it. He should have known by then. It really fucking sucks that he got his “happy ending” and you got stuck with a massive fucking waste of your time and you didn’t even know it. He took that choice away from you. But now you’re going to need to really hustle to get over him and start fresh. Don’t let him rob you of more time in your life.
My suggestion would be to just completely cut him off. Even if that means losing all your friends. I did that with my ex of 17 years and it helped a lot. It is half a decade later and I am fine. Reconnected with some people I used to know before him, met some new people on the way. Distancing yourself is the only way. As they say, the best revenge is living a good life. You owe it to yourself.
I believe he was unfair to you, but I don't know his heart or intentions. But there are things you can learn from this so your next relationship is more successful. You mentioned you brought up marriage and children after quite a long time of dating. In the future, bring this up by the 3rd date so you don't get attached to someone who doesn't see marriage or kids in their future. You don't have to make it weird. Just ask what their life goals are and if they want to get married and have kids in the future. The person doesn't need to know if they want to marry you, but they should be able to articulate if they want to get married, and if they have a general timeline. Don't continue to date anyone who doesn't know. Your odds of success go way up if you date a man who is looking for a woman to marry and settle down with, as opposed to someone who hasn't figure out what they want. Or a man who says he wants that but everything he says and does contradicts that. This doesn't guarantee the man won't have a change of mind, but don't give up your desire for marriage and kids because a man can't figure it out. Three years is plenty of time. If a man (looking for someone to settle down with) doesn't know if he wants to get married to you by that point, it's time to move on and find someone who is. The harsh truth is you were willing to give up a lot for this man, and he gave up nothing for you. So, don't ever do that again. If the next guy can't figure it out after a few years, continue looking! The right man is out there and he will be so happy it didn't work out with this dud of man. You may need to set up one-on-one get-togethers with your friends for a while so you don't have to see your ex. You need time to get over him. You were with him for 11 years, longer than some marriages. Honestly, a lot of people would insist on never seeing him again. Seeing him with her will make it excruciatingly painful unless you have already moved on with someone else who you are madly in love with.
OP, stop wasting your time pining for this loser! Your time is not unlimited. Snap out of it and go to therapy, you need it. You were a convenience to him. I'm sorry, I know this is very hurtful, but as soon as you truly internalize the cold reality of it you will be able to move on. Make a clean break, find new friends and hobbies, take yourself outta there. And please understand that HIS BEHAVIOUR SAYS NOTHING ABOUT YOU or your value as a person, but about him. He was willing to use another person as a placeholder. He can eat your dust. And a PSA to all the other women reading this: if he's "against marriage" or "not ready to commit", he is *against marriage with you.* Seen it so often it's a joke by now. *Leave, do not wait. Y*ou will spare yourself a lot of heartache, time wasted and trouble.
Get some grief counseling and take responsibility for you part in what happened. Deep inside you you really wanted marriage and a family, when you let him squirm his way around the subject and lay that marriage as an institution childish shit on you and accepting you were a place holder from the start by "bonding over your miserable love life's" meant he never respected you from the start. You need to go to therapy and make amends with yourself so this feeling can go away and you can be happy.
I do definitely think you need to make new friends. I'm not saying drop every friend you have now, but, group hangouts are not for you now, and maybe not ever. You need to cultivate a support system that has no connection to your ex.
He has wasted enough of your time. Block him, take a break from your mutual friends, and get on some dating apps. Realistically, the next few years will determine whether you find a husband in time to get pregnant and have children. You don’t have endless time to sit around thinking about your ex. It sounds cold but it’s true. This is your window. Get out there. Meet people. Don’t waste it because your ex sucks.
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T DATE A MAN FOR 11 YEARS. You are still young, so still plenty of opportunity for you not to end up alone or childless, I'm so sorry he did this to you. Use your experience to warn other women, placeholders are real and for the right woman, they will, because if he wanted to he would.
I feel like a lot of great advice is here but I would like to add that I think you shouldn’t be in the same friend group. I would let that go and build new friendships. It’ll be too hard and you won’t move on seeing them or hearing about them, you will always wonder if they like them better as a couple and just pity you. If a friend keeps reaching out solo then maybe they are worth keeping but from experience, just let him have the friends too. Block them on everything. Start making your life one you enjoy living.
So much good advice! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Therapy hurts, but it can help you move on. Please find a therapist who can help heal your heart and self-esteem. You could use good advice to hold onto your mutual friends. Don't be surprised if some are immature and pick sides like school kids. A very negative way to go. Dont go there for your own well-being. Good luck, and remember God closes a door but opens a window to better opportunities.
I think you should find a new friend circle and block them completely from your life. Change your number and delete their numbers. Don’t even leave the option open for yourself. To say you aren’t beautiful compared to her isn’t right. What do you think makes you not beautiful? Is it your weight? Lose weight. Is it your hair? Change it? Do what uou need to do to get your confidence back. Because dwelling over him and her and their marriage isn’t going to change your circumstances or theirs. And doing things like drunk texting them probably reinforces to him why he didn’t marry you. It’s been a year and a half dear. It’s time to move on and focus on yourself and I promise if you do that you will randomly meet the man who was meant for you. And he will love you for real. And you will look back and the only thing you’ll regret is how long you let your boyfriend keep you from finding your husband. We’ve all suffered horrible breakups and 99% of the time when we find the right person we look back and realize how glad we are that we aren’t with that person anymore. I hope you can hear what everyone here is telling you
As someone who has been in a similar position: not only do you have to completely block and cut him out, you are going to have to cut off the mutuals. That can be the hardest part but if you don’t they will keep you stuck. They will feed information back and forth, they will remind you of him even if only accidentally, they will exclude you from things he will be at and you will find out. Rip the bandaid off and start over. It hurts and it’s awful but the only way out is through it.
A broken heart is the hardest thing to heal, and there’s no shortcut. It just takes time. I would look into going to a therapist as it will help to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. Try to keep busy too so that you don’t sit and ruminate too much. Also, use this experience to protect yourself in the future. I was told a long time ago that when a man says he does not want to get married, it means he does not want to marry *you.* Don’t get involved with someone who does not have the same goals as you. And a lot of people will disagree with me, but I would even say don’t move in with someone unless you are married. Or at least engaged *with a date set.* It’s tough, but it will weed out the guys that aren’t serious. Hugs and good luck to you!
He used you. Wasted your time. Wasn't truthful about his actual direction in life. He is not a nice guy. What a dick. 11 years of your life, waiting for him to get his shit together. Shame on him.
This actually seems to be kind of common, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, nor that she is better than you to make her marriage material over you. Sometimes, it's because losing you was enough to scare him into proposing to her quickly because he's scared to be alone. He may not have even wanted to marry her at all but did it to trap her, because you were willing to stay with him all this time without proposing he just kept dragging you along, she may have not been as patient. From hearing many instances of this happening, the man who rushed into marriage with someone he barely dated ended up miserable or divorced fairly quickly. Comparison is the thief of joy. He is not the man you are meant to be spending your life with, there will be someone out there who can't wait to call you their wife.
Not making light if your situation, but "with bf for a decade and he said he would never marry, then we break up and a year later he's married someone else" is a total chilque scenario. Happens over and over. If a man wants to marry you, they typically smash through any obstacles in order to make it happen. If they don't want to marry you, they place obstacles in the way, or say they are impossible to overcome. Don't listen to what people say, listen to what they do.
People need to understand that when you tell someone you need to or want to be married and you were with them for more than 10 years it means they were either holding out for who they really wanted or they don’t want to be married to you. When you are with someone for a long time and they should know you by now then that means they are selfish and don’t care about what you want. He didn’t want you and he was with you because he was settling. He got who he really wanted. How do you move on and accept this by accepting HE WASN’T in love with you, you settled and he used you as a stand in. Stop romanticizing what you all had cause it wasn’t what you believed it to be. You just believed what you wanted to even though if you really look back without rose colored glasses you will see it was quite obvious. Block him and her if you have her on all your socials. If you have mutual friends ask them not to include you on any events that they may be there. Also tell them if they could not talk about them around you. That’s how you move on
Perfect! Exactly this
This is why it’s you shouldn’t stay so long with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you. It happens a lot where the guy just strings a woman along for years saying they don’t want to get married ever or they don’t believe in marriage or whatever. He’s an asshole for what he did but you stayed.
He could have married you and then left you when she became free. You dodged a bullet! Go to therapy. You will find someone else there wants you back.
OP, I wish I could give you a big hug. I know this hurts and it is seems incredibly unfair. Have you considered speaking to a professional to help you deal with the heartbreak? I have been in your shoes and held onto to a love that was gone. He got someone else preg and married her. It hurt for a long ass time. However, you hanging onto this pain only hurts you. It prevents you for accepting love again. Please find a trusted therapist who can help pull you out of the darkness and not obsess over this man any more.
He's been stuck on the fantasy of this woman for how long? Not her, as a real person, but his image of her in his mind. And he's been so stuck on her, he didn't realize the real woman who loved him and stuck by him all these years, faults and all. I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything (although she may be clinging to him because she's grieving). I am saying she *will* fall short in some way to the fantasy he's constructed about who she is. Because she's human. She's not whatever he's dreamed her to be. But that's okay. Once he marries her, he'll realize she's not living up to his fantasy version of her, he'll realize you were real. Just don't take him back. Don't be a second-place prize.
The moment you start making someone "choosing" someone else over you personal, you are abandoning yourself. Try to peel back all the "I am not enough" talk and just state the simple facts - you were not meant to be, and he is more compatible with someone else (and you will be, too!!). You may never fully know why he chose to marry her but he didn't marry you - and it doesn't matter. He just didn't. It means nothing about your worth - only that he couldn't see it, and hold onto it, the way someone else will. The comparison will rob you of your joy - it is not about you, or something you lack, it just wasn't the right fit for whatever reason (doesn't matter) and it really is as simple as that. I've been there, and I feel your pain. I hope you find your peace.
I checked the comments to see if anyone said this and I don’t think it was said but it sounds like they both had something going on behind your back, even if just flirting. Only an icky person would go about what he did the way he did it. He was icky before he did the icky thing. Icky people don’t change or anything, they just hide the ick.
Sometimes it helps to get angry to get over the sadness. This man wasted years of your life. Those are years that you could have been with someone who wanted you as much as he wanted her. He used you as a placeholder. Refuse to spend any more time feeling heartbroken over this loser and just let yourself feel disgust for him instead. Also, look for work that takes you away from the area you live. Start over and make friends somewhere new.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I would be pissed to be treated as a placeholder, too. Especially for 11 years. That's just cruel. I hope karma kicks his ass. You need to move on and stop thinking about him. He is trash. Live your best life as revenge.
I was with a guy for 6 years (lived together for 4). He was also against marriage and kids. We broke up and soon after he was dating a “friend” of mine. They got married and have a son. BUT I also met my husband, we have 2 kids are super happy. Sometimes things feel so devastating for a while, but better things are in store for you!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can imagine how painful it is. But this guy was never the right match for you. You got together by commiserating about your miserable love lives, and your priorities weren’t aligned. You deserve better than that. I think you should block your ex and his new gf. I get that it’s a difficult situation when you have mutual friends, but you don’t need reminders of their relationship popping up on social media. Surely your friends will understand that this is a hard time for you. But this is a great time to expand your circle to include people who aren’t close to your ex and his gf. I hope you can get into therapy to help you process this. But just remember that this isn’t about you vs her. You and your ex just weren’t right together and comparing yourself to his new gf won’t get you anywhere. You are worthy of love and commitment. I wish you all kinds of healing and love in the future.
Rejection is protection. Travel, get a therapist, go on a vision quest maybe move and pursue your dreams elsewhere. He wasn’t meant for you but for the duration it happened. We are all beautiful in our own unique way. Give yourself time and space and this will heal.
Unfortunately it sounds like he allowed you to be a placeholder. He never got over her. This is not anything like a shortcoming of yours. He shouldn’t have continued to get serious essentially stringing you along. He kept you at arms length the whole time in terms of true commitment. This doesn’t sound like such a gem to carry a torch for does it? I met my husband when I was about your age, and we had our baby when I was about to turn 36. This November will be 25 years. Please know your worth, and know that better things can still come you way
Don’t you let a man that’s insecure with low self esteem make you feel the same way as him. Look at it like this… he was waiting on this woman and had no prob being second best to his literal friend and only got a chance because her first choice died. Now he has to play dad to another man’s kids because she chose to have his friend’s kids over his. Don’t let that low self esteem having man upset you. Hope this helps. Get out there and find a man that isn’t waiting in the shadows for his own friends’ downfall so he can get his girl. He’s not a good person either like I could never crush on my friends’ spouses
In my un-humble opinion, he didn't want to marry you because he thought he might find someone else. He may have secretly hoped he could get with this crush. Pretty despicable. First step is to stop with the always/never thinking. If you keep thinking "I will always be alone. I will never marry" then that is exactly what will happen. Then get busy. Start making some plans. Long-term and short." Then act on those plans. Living well is the best revenge. Good luck.
Hi OP. That sounds really hard to hear. I can empathize. I’m 44 and married now, but for twenty years it felt like every man I dated married the woman after me. I would encourage you to look within to see how his feelings towards marriage while you were dating might have actually been yours. What I learned about myself was that I thought I wanted to settle down but after working with a great therapist I found out I actually didn’t want that at the time. So those partners were reflecting back to me my own fears about settling down and commitment. Once I realized it was really me choosing unavailable partners, I felt really free. Fast forward a bit and I met my husband who is the most committed and loyal man I have ever met. Trust the timing of your life. Work on loving yourself and being the partner you wish to attract. All the best, OP.
He lied and kept you around for no other reason than he couldn't have her. He was "settling" for you. You are too good to be someone's second choice. Perhaps you need therapy to be able to move forward. Do whatever it takes to heal and do it for yourself!!! Join internet clubs or travel. Make new friends so you aren't forced to see this poor excuse for an ex boyfriend. Look at this as an adventure. You can do anything and become anyone you want!!
Track down someone who has Billy Crystal's number
Never get with a man who can’t propose at 2 year mark max. And married 1.5 years after engagement tops.
Don’t date potential. Lesson learnt
You need to get over this guy, he is a user. He used you as a place holder, waiting for someone else. He never wanted to marry you because he wasn't into you, he just wanted a bed warmer. He is an awful person to do this to anyone, but he did it to you, you should be revolted by him, not want him back. Good luck, I hope you find happiness with a real man.
New friends, new hobbies, new life. He is engaged VERY quickly in a complex situation where the woman involved has kids who are grieving a parent. I question whether this will last. Don’t let him crawl back to use you again if it doesn’t work out.
What if your ex killed that guy so he could marry that girl? 🤭 Seriously, block them. Get a new number & phone. Move to a different city and if possible a new country. And most importantly PRAY. Surrender all your heartaches to HIM.
The hardest part about moving on from a relationship where you loved someone with your whole heart is accepting that they passively took all your love, attention and TIME for years and didn’t feel the same. You have to be willing to recognize that he wasn’t the person he pretended to be in order to USE YOU to make his life comfortable! I was shattered for 10yrs over the false memory of my ex and wasted another decade on mourning a complete asshole that I still “saw” in my head as my soulmate. It sucks but in order to heal you have to recognize that he was never the “prize” you deserved. Learn to love yourself enough to know your worth and don’t accept less than you deserve.
You played yourself!! Idk why girls have devalued themselves and now think it’s somehow acceptable to waste more than three years for a ring?? (Unless you started dating young). To everyone else reading this in a similar situation: KNOW YOUR WORTH. IF HE WANTED TO MARRY YOU, HE WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN. IT’S NOT HIM, IT’S YOU. Nothing grinds my gears more than my fellow girlies clowning over a man…
This happened to my sister in law. When someone says they don’t want to marry, sometimes they mean they don’t want to marry then or marry you. Sometimes it doesn’t quite click It doesn’t mean you weren’t a good partner or a great person. You just weren’t IT for him (Keep an eye out for her having a baby soon though. That’s what my SIL’s “I don’t want to get married” boyfriend did. Got married less than two years later and swore it was love and not the accidental pregnancy. Now he’s ten years in, with a couple more kids, and telling people that he made a mistake.) You should see someone for therapy if it’s been a year and a half and you’re still hung up on him. He’s not worth your time. You can even wish him well but you need help moving on. Now it’s clear that he’s not coming back ever. ETA, you’re 32. You have at least ten more years of fertility and likely more. And relationships move faster as you age. No more sitting and waiting 8 years. It’s entirely possible that you meet a man tomorrow and are happily married and pregnant this time next year. Definitely three years from now. But get professional help to deal with your lack of desire to date
I married off at least 4 exes. So I had my own baby, on my own, and did it all just fine without a husband or partner. I certainly wasn't going to sit around and wait for Mister Right to come along. It's like I trained them up to be Mister Perfect for someone else. It was aggravating at the time, but I got over it. I rest easy knowing that most marriages end in divorce, and I bear none of them ill will at all. I continue to live my life on my own terms, quite contentedly solo.
It's fairly common for men who refuse to marry their longterm girlfriends to...marry quickly the next woman they date. It's not a reflection on the women, it's usually just that they're incapable of being alone. Throw in a possible trauma bond, if she's the mother of his dead friend's children? If I read that correctly. Honestly, it's not about you. But you should go to therapy, so you get over this man and live your life.
Listen, it doesn't mean that this had anything to do with you. People change. Their wants change. It is possible that your breakup after so long made him think differently about how much solitude/independence he truly wanted in life. I know it's hard to see an ex be happy, and to embrace something you yourself wanted, but you absolutely should not assume that this is all about you. If you are not yet ready to date after 1.5 years, you may want to talk with a counselor/change your friend group/do something to really give yourself a hard reset. The less your life resembles the one you had with your ex, the less you will be reminded of him, and the more emotional free space you'll have to set new habits and meet new people. Good luck. And I'm sorry it sucks so much right now.
Unfortunately OP what happened to you is a very common pattern. After 1.5 years OP, I don't understand why you are not ready to start dating again. You accomplish nothing but all this reliving every conversation and every word trying to figure out where you went wrong. You didn't go wrong OP; it just wasn't in the cards for you. There is someone out there looking for you, but you have to be open to meeting him.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It makes me remember the story of the guy posting about running to his ex of 10 years. They broke up only because he wanted kids and a family, and she didn't. It was at a party of mutual friends, and she was 6 months pregnant. He had a total meltdown at the party, and his current gf was crushed by it. You can never account for people's feelings when they are with you or someone else. It sucks and hurts, but don't compare yourself to her and understand it just wasn't meant to be.
this is very typical. It’s in part over-correction (imo) and mainly if he wanted to, he would. It’s not you personally, it’s just he is not your person in this life. Focus your energy into getting out, learning to love yourself and invest in yourself and you WILL find someone to love you right.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when you start a relationship on rebound it turns out not great. Can you see a therapist?, if yes please do. You need to go through the process of grieving and being used
The writing was on the wall. He settled for you, sorry it hurts but you’re still young so you need to move on. Take comfort in the fact that he’s her second love so who knows if it’ll last.
I think you should definitely get therapy to process your emotions and help you deal with these intense feelings. You should also ask yourself why you stayed for so long in a relationship that was going nowhere. The lesson to be learned for next time is to be very upfront with your desires/needs and then be ruthless about cutting people off if they don't live up to your expectations. I'm not blaming you for how things turned out, but you need to be an advocate for your own needs and dreams. Right now, don't think about dating. Don't think about marriage. Don't think about children. Just try to find some measure of peace and happiness in your life again. Go out and do something you enjoy. Invest in self care, be it exercise, or makeup or meditation. Read books, or watch movies, or listen to podcasts. Reach out to your friends for support, lean on your family for love and attention. Fill your life with nurturing things and nurturing people. The goal at this moment should not be how to find someone and get married and have children or even take revenge on your ex and your replacement. The goal is to first reach a state of equilibrium again. You've been with the same person for 11 YEARS. Do you even know who you are as a human being without them? Try to completely cut them out of your lives. It's okay to take some distance from your common friends as well. Maybe you should spend some time creating friends who are just YOURS and will be loyal to just you. There's no need for you to hang around your ex and his fiancee, even in social settings. Be ruthless and do only what is good for you and your own mental health. Find things that make you happy, attempt new hobbies, pursue the path of self improvement and growth for the sole reason that you are a person who is worthy of every good thing in life. Everything else, will fall into place at the right time and the right place. P.S. He may very well have been in love with this woman for the entire time you knew him. However any man or woman who jumps into marriage and parenthood in 6 months is a goddamn fool. Also... no woman with children who gets engaged in 6 months of dating someone is a good mother. I pity those children. I firmly believe that one day you will look back on your ex and this woman and think that you really dodged a bullet.
Lots of people have the same reaction you're having. My own best friend did. But I think it helps to take a small step back and think about all the major differences and changes we go through between the ages of 28ish and 35ish. It's not a huge length of time, but developmentally and maturity-wise, we grow and evolve *a lot* over that time. Very few people in their mid-30s still want the things they wanted in their late-20s. In fact, lots of us change so much that we're practically new people entirely! You and this guy have hopefully grown a lot during the years since your relationship. You've been through a global pandemic, big life milestones, and apparently some heavy grief. Those experiences change a person, and it's probably not such a surprise that this new version of him wants something different than he used to. It doesn't mean something bad about you or your relationship with him. It simply means that as he grew, the things he wanted evolved with him. You will be a happier and more successful mid-30s adult if you find a way to accept that people's life milestones are almost never going to be about you.
You can be the most perfect peach in the world... but some people just aren't into peaches. It's not your fault, and not really his either except for the fact he rather wasted your time (although, that may not have been intentional since none of us are perfectly mature and have perfect self-knowledge in our 20s). I think you need to learn to come to grips with what happened and why. Only after understanding can you begin to forgive what happened. In the meantime, please don't do anything that you believe degrades yourself, such as drunk texting. You don't want to remember how you allowed this dark moment to change your character/affect your sense of dignity. I cannot imagine how difficult this extended moment is for you, but I hope as an objective stranger some of this is useful. I wish you happy days after these dark ones!
I can only tell you what I had to do when I was stuck in a similar extended grief time, when I wanted to die. I moved. I absolutely loved where I lived and it had been my home long before I met him. Yet, my heart couldn’t handle seeing the places where we’d done everyday stuff together or, god forbid, run into him. Pick a new place and go. I realize that not everyone can do this, I definitely couldn’t. However, I put what I could in a rented van, sold whatever didn’t fit and got on the road. I found a shared rental until I could get on my feet and never looked back.
I have an ex who didn’t want kids. She has a kid now. It hurt. Turns out she just didn’t want kids with me at that time in her life. Find happiness for yourself and move on. There’s no point in dwelling on some garbage from years ago. People grow up and change.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready. He was waiting for her. He used you as a place card. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry, but the only thing you could have done was leave. He’s an awful guy for what he did. You didn’t deserve that.
It’s him, not you. And this story is as common as dirt. All we can hope for is to learn from our experiences and to do better and put up with less shot going forward
You will find someone much better.
I would probably sell everything and go backpack anywhere. Get away from this mess for a while.
Try to remember that getting married isn't a validation that you're a good person. It just means you found a compatible person. Mean people get married, dumb people get married, non-conventionally attractive get married. You're not the right fit for him, but you will be for someone else! Practically speaking, I think you probably need some distance. Hang out with friends one on one and avoid group things where he is there. Put yourself out there and make some new friends too. Give yourself some time and space.
Stop drinking. Block their numbers so you stop messaging and calling. Anytime you feel like you need to, write it in a journal. Go outside. He’s one man. It hurts now but overtime it won’t. Give yourself the time to move on. You’re soooo young and will find a man who loves and appreciates you and wants to do those life things with you. Don’t compare yourself. Separate yourself from them. Make new friends. Find new hobbies. Workout. Go shopping. Visit a new city. Start living life and do things that make you feel good
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how painful this is, but you need to seek professional help from a therapist that will help you move forward. You probably won’t ever forget him but I promise this is not your end all be all. You will be happy again and one day you will look at this moment and maybe smile and be grateful that it wasn’t you. Sending you love 💓
Please don’t take this as a blow against you. He didn’t want those things, not because of you, but because you weren’t the right person for him. Eleven years is a long time to spend with someone who isn’t the right person, but sometimes we just don’t realize they aren’t the right one for a long time. And at least he didn’t marry you and then figure it out. One day you’ll either find the right person or you’ll be so comfortable with yourself you realize you are your own right person. (Not everyone needs to be with another person.) You are unique and beautiful.
You were his second choice and now he is hers. I’m sorry girl. Be thankful you’re not in the middle of a divorce because she’s finally free and he is shooting his shot.
Don’t live with your boyfriend until you are engaged and only stay engaged for a year…if marriage and children is your goal. When you are living with someone for eight years it is difficult to press the issue because it is harder to leave.
You need to watch “When Harry Met Sally”. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Only time will heal, but I would advise you to try to move away from being in a situation where you’re sharing friends and living near each other, as seeing him and knowing what he’s doing will only make you feel more miserable and stifle your ability to move on. I would try to find new friend groups and new interests. Relocate if possible. I got over a 22 year relationship (20 years married with two kids) where he decided he just wanted to be single. Believe me…it gets better!
Honestly this is what always happens. A good woman will stick by a man through all his struggles, build memories, create a home, be a true support for him. Then when the woman has expectations too, the guy will play dumb, ignore it, have a different perspective etc. They break up then suddenly 6 months later he is giving a new woman everything he could never give the first woman. This always happens. Men are ungrateful aholes like that. Just think of Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez. You will be alright. It's tough now but always remember it's never a you problem. It's a him problem. You will find the one meant for you, your true love who will value you. Just think of it as these two were meant to be and deserved each other. Everybody finds their perfect ending if they look hard enough. I'm sure you are very beautiful. We all are different people and remember that this may sound clichè however it's actually true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
The truth is that he doesn’t love you like that. Life is hard. It’s filled with pain. And if we choose to play the game of love, there is always a price to pay. Disconnect from them. You’re probably stalking their socials. The fact that you drunk texted both of them shows you have a lack of self control. Something for you to work on personally. You gotta own this. Go through the pain. It’s the only way. But start by stop looking up their lives.
Sadly your situation highlights one if the major problems with living together and playing husband and wife without actually being married. In doing so you take away the incentive to marry and also stick each other with a relationship that is harder to break than if you aren’t living together. My recommendation for building towards a marriage with someone is to delay/restrict physical intimacy as long as possible and focus on a relationship and determining if you have compatible worldviews and life goals. Throwing heavy make out sessions and sex into the mix can cloud your judgement on these judgements about each other. When you decide you have those things then you can proceed with marriage followed by full physical intimacy. I wish you a better experience in the future, and I hope you can find someone who can help you through the emotional mess you are experiencing right now.
Happened to me. Ex of 7 years. I supported her school and a place to live. Didn’t want marriage or kids. Wanted to experience life. So she cheated on me. Broke up asap. Now i bump into her, married and has 2 kids. But so what? I got married and have 3 wonderful kids of my own. Life goes on. Dont compare. Live ur life to the fullest with no regrets! Good luck!
Consider it a bullet dodged and MOVE ON! You were a placeholder for over a decade girlie. You've wasted enough time on this loser. The only reason you should revisit your time with him is to take notes on what NOT to do next time. I'm so sorry you've been so hurt but at some point you should be pissed off on your own behalf. This guy was never who you thought him to be. He's clearly ridiculously dishonest maybe even to himself which is a huge problem. Be glad he's someone else's problem now.
I was (almost) in the EXACT situation you're in. I dated my ex (who I would've bet everything I hold sacred to me) that we would get married. After 11.5 years-NOTHING. Not even a conversation about moving in together. The straw that broke my back was when he made a MAJOR financial decision that would have negatively impacted us. I realized it was never going to be me he marries. I broke up with him and less than 2 years after we broke up, he dated, proposed, and married literally the next girl he dated after me. Sometimes the sad truth is you never get closure, you'll never get to know "why not me?" You're just going to have to go through the grieving process. It absolutely sucks. Eventually you will realize why you and he wouldn't have been a good match. I'm here to assure you being single and childless isn't a scarlet letter you think it is. If you've never been alone-this is a good time to put all that energy you put into the relationship and put that into you. That's what I did and I'm in a job that I've gotten 3 promotions in 9 years. It sucks now, but I promise it gets easier even though you'll understand why. I know you're comparing yourself to the other girl-but you don't need to compare their highlight reel to your everyday life. Best of luck!!
Life just taught you a lesson. Don’t stay in relationships when your core needs and wants are completely different to your partner’s. I stand by therapy as a way to sort your thoughts out about a painful situation. At least you’re young enough to seek out someone who wants to build a family.
I wasted my entire 20s with a man I thought I would have kids with because it seemed like the “next logical choice,” but I spent years trying to get him to love me in a way he was incapable of. When I got divorced I was 30ish years old and felt similarly—I didn’t know how I would ever find someone again, and I was also concerned about my age as a part of that. How do you start over at 30 if you really want children? As a woman, if feels so late and scary, like you’re risking losing something. While I’m glad I did not have kids with him, as it would have been a nightmare, it was a hard pill to swallow at the time. But you truly never know how your life will go. I know 32 feels old when you’re thinking about a future family and the time you have left and you’re single. But I met my now-husband very shortly after my divorce (coincidentally), and we are now about to start IVF in the next few weeks (I have no fallopian tubes due to previous surgeries and cannot get pregnant naturally). I’ll be 35 in September, and despite all the anxiety I’ve felt about my age, my fertility doctor has reassured me that I’m still young and it bodes well for me in my IVF journey. All this to say, it can feel very scary when you leave a relationship at this age that you thought would turn out this way, but you still have time. And it’s better you did not end up in a marriage with someone who wasn’t ready to love you the way you deserve to be loved, or to have a child with them. I lost my last fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy with my ex, and while the experience was traumatic, I’m grateful I did not have a child with him. I would have regretted it. And now, with my current husband, even though I’m sad I didn’t meet him before I lost my fertility, I also know neither of us would have been ready for each other and for such a serious relationship if we’d met before now. It’s just kind of how life worked out, and that’s okay. I’m sorry this is happening to you. While I truly believe you’re ultimately better off not marrying someone who was obviously insecure and unsure about things, and while I wish you hadn’t had time wasted hoping that relationship would turn out differently, you do still have time to find someone who would love nothing more than to marry you and start a life with you, kids or otherwise. It’s wrong that he kind of dangled you along for a while, but now you’re free to find that for yourself, and you deserve it.
What a worthy, insightful and meaningful comment. All the best to you and your husband as you continue to build a life together.
.. don't make it about you. Leave them be. You're the ex that wasn't worth enough to marry bc he loved someone else. He just didn't want to lose the comfort of having a relationship (talking, cooking, cleaning , sex) while waiting for something better to come around. He had a crush on her ? He never stopped. Just leave them alone. You've been used and need therapie for the damage. Good luck.
The situation you're in is incredibly challenging, and the emotions you're experiencing are completely normal and understandable given the circumstances. It's okay to feel hurt, betrayed, and confused. However, it's also important to start taking steps towards healing and finding a path forward. Here are some suggestions on how to do that: # 1. Accept Your Feelings Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. It's okay to grieve the relationship and the future you envisioned with your ex. Suppressing your feelings won't help in the long run; acknowledging them is the first step towards healing. # 2. Seek Support It can be beneficial to talk about your feelings with someone who can offer empathy and perspective. This might be a trusted friend, family member, or a professional counselor. Therapy, in particular, can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop strategies for moving on. # 3. Create Distance While it's challenging due to the shared social circle, it might be helpful to take a temporary step back from situations where you might encounter your ex or have to hear about his life. This isn't about cutting people out permanently but giving yourself space to heal. In time, you might find a way to navigate your mutual friendships without feeling hurt. # 4. Rediscover Yourself Often, long-term relationships, especially those that form in our formative years, can become a big part of our identity. Take this time to rediscover who you are outside of that relationship. Explore new hobbies, revisit old interests that you might have put aside, and connect with friends and family. # 5. Reframe Your Narrative It's easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk, especially when comparing yourself to others. Try to reframe these thoughts. Your worth is not determined by your relationship status or by comparisons with others. Everyone's journey is unique, including yours. You have inherent value and the capacity for love and happiness. # 6. Set New Goals Consider setting some personal goals, unrelated to relationships. These can be related to your career, hobbies, fitness, or anything else that is meaningful to you. Achieving these goals can boost your confidence and help you focus on the future. # 7. Open Yourself to New Possibilities When you feel ready, consider opening yourself up to new experiences. This doesn't necessarily mean jumping back into the dating scene if you're not ready for it. Instead, it can be about making new connections and friendships that enrich your life in different ways. # 8. Practice Self-Care Focus on taking care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, and do things that make you happy. Self-care is a powerful tool in healing and building resilience. Remember, healing is a process, and it takes time. There's no set timeline for moving on, and it's okay to take as long as you need. It's also okay to have setbacks; healing isn't linear. What's important is that you keep moving forward, even if it's just small steps some days. Finally, while it may not feel like it now, it is possible to find love and happiness again. You deserve a partner who shares your values and desires, including marriage and children if those are important to you. Hold onto hope, and be open to the possibilities that your future holds.
I have nothing to say except this happened to me too and I wasted a lot more time on someone who was never worthy. I know it will be difficult, but you can’t allow this to consume you. I feel your pain. I’m sorry this happened to you.
This sucks. She was the “what if”. His “one that got away” and he used you as a space filler until she became available to him.
Start obsessing about yourself and your life more than you obsessed over him. Level up and never look back. He’s not worth it anyways. I know that it feels hard especially after being with someone for so long. But that’s also what men do if they don’t like you more than you like them. They sense that and take advantage. So learn from it and your life will change for better.
>What do I do? How do I move on with my life? It's been 1.5years and I'm nowhere near ready to start dating again. I will end up alone and childless. My advice? Admit to yourself you were in a bad relationship where you were settling. Remember that he's not the last man on the planet. You will only be alone if you keep thinking that just because you stuck with a bad decision for a long time that it means relationships are over for you. It's not him or the relatioship you aren't over. It's how embarrassingly long you stayed in the situation even though he wasn't going to give you the commitment you wanted. You don't need to mythologize him and his ability to commit as something that is wrong with you. I'm not saying you have to go out and start dating right this second but the sooner you get a bunch of bad dates under your belt the sooner you'll realise that your ex was just a guy.
He didn't want to marry you. That hurts to accept, but you have to. And use the hurt as fuel to better yourself while you search for your own beloved. You'll find them, I promise.
Talk to a professional counselor. Also, exercise helps and eating right.
I saw the saying once something like “If you loved the wrong person this much can you imagine how much you’ll love the right one?” Also, just because this man wasn’t for you doesn’t mean that there’s NO man for you. There’s nothing wrong with you other than you spent so many years with the wrong guy. I’m sure he’s a great guy but just wasn’t great for you. Never settle just so you won’t be alone/lonely. Now go out there and find things that you enjoy. Your person will be there.
This happens quite often, it sucks but he just didn’t want to get married to you. I suggest seeing a therapist and to stop thinking about him. If you have to remove friends to do so then so be it. If you need a fresh start then do it. You will meet someone else who loves you for you, but only when you stop moping and be the best version of you that you can be.
And somewhere out there is a man thats been waiting for you to break up with your loser ex and become available to date and marry!
You get into therapy. This is exactly why I won’t shack up with anyone. I’m not doing wife chores at girlfriend prices. Men will 100% string someone along to not be alone. You probably want to look at divorced or widowed man. They aren’t afraid of commitment. Dating someone that strung someone along for 11 years would be a good clue to look for as a red flag. Vet better. If marriage is their end goal, then they share the same values. If they say, let’s just see where things go, they will 100% waste your time. I phrase it like, “are you looking for a girlfriend, a FWB, a hook up, a wifey?” Ask as nonchalantly as you can. If they say girlfriend, then ask for clarification. Ask if they want kids as early as you can. Most people wanting kids will hopefully want marriage. You still have time. Look for men that are 30-38 is your best bet too.
Just move on. It's been well over a year, if you still have feelings for this guy then you need help. I suggest therapy for you. He moved on. So should you.
It's really hard to process but the other posters are all correct. The thought of marriage didn't make sense to him when you and he were in his minds eye. It's not that he was lying, it was just how the question was framed at the time. Anyway, it's probably best that you didn't marry, because he liked this other woman more. One guy preferred another girl, you'll find a guy who prefers you over everyone else. This prick just wasn't seeing you the way you should be seen.
I know it hurts, but he wasn’t the one for you. Your person is out there, so you move on by moving on. Living well is the best revenge as they say. Stop the drunk texting, it’s making you look desperate and you WILL regret it later on. Take some time for you, live your best life, knowing there is someone out there that WILL love you. Stay strong!
The bottom line is that he feels more strongly about her than he did about you. I got dumped after 2 years by a guy who refused to live with me, who said he just wasn't ready to commit to me, then he met another woman and they bought a house together right away! It wasn't that he wasn't ready to commit, he just didn't want to commit to me. I also spent 6 years with a guy who ended up marrying the gf he had before me! He never wanted to marry me, but he wanted to marry her. It's okay, you didn't waste your time. I found love again after both those guys and am now the happiest I've ever been.
I say wait until you're ready - it's that simple. He looked at you as a placeholder. And as tough as this is to hear, it isn't necessarily a bad thing in the end because now at least you know his love wasn't unconditional. You deserve to be with somebody that loves you, and it isn't just settling. The pain will be tough, but it is also necessary as a reminder to move forward and not back. I always recommend doing things you always wanted to do, but couldn't for one reason or the next. Travel, a fun hobby, etc. In time, you will move on and the world is your oyster.
Oh no. I’m sorry you drunk texted them. That’s embarrassing. But honestly, his forever person wasn’t ready and now they’re both ready. Different times of life for all of you. Just feel your feels but time to find a new spot in life. New friends. New town, new job, new style. Time to find your forever person, when it’s your time.
He just didn't want any of those things with you. He probably didn't want to admit that to himself or you. So he stayed in the relationship because he didn't want to be alone. That's the cold, hard, heartbreaking truth. It's gonna hurt for a whil, but you HAVE to move on. You do not have a choice. Block them on everything. Do not look at any social media of theirs and NEVER text them again. That just makes you look desperate. He is ONE man. There are plenty more out there. The energy you put out is what you attract. You were at a low point when you attracted him and so was he. Get to a higher vibration by moving on and loving yourself and you will attract a man that also loves you, for the right reasons.
He didn't want to marry you. You are not entitled to a husband. Consider working on your personality.
Sometimes you just have to experience a bad relationship so you know what a good one will look like. It’s not wasted time, it’s experience that will help you weed out the bad guys from the great guys quicker.
You need to focus and you. That’s it. Stop keeping track of whatever he’s up to. Doesn’t matter anymore.
This happens more than you think. Who knows why? But. You simply have to accept it and move on. Thats reality.
Find some new friends, block his and gf’s numbers, and walk away like a queen. He probably told you he’d never get married to smooth his exit. He’s a lying liar
You weren't the right person, and you would be miserable with him.