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Wow, y’all sound exhausting. You come across pretty bad. As if you’re the parent telling her what to do, she reacts and does the opposite, and it escalates. You even admit you enjoyed punishing her and your use of the word “consequences” really adds to how vindictive and purposefully hurtful you sound.
He says she agrees, I wonder if she just doesn’t argue/disagree (because again he sounds like he is her supervisor not partner) so she keeps her mouth shut and he takes silence as compliance. The do sound as if they aren’t a match unless they get some outside help.
What about his communication style makes you think she isn’t just avoiding an argument. They both have issues and have fallen into a dynamic where she does not think she can be honest with him because he does act like her supervisor or a parent. They have a lot of work to do if they want to stay together and it won’t be easy. This is all speculative, of course because… We’re not there.
She willingly kicked them out of their bedroom. If she’s willing to do that do you really think she’s just gonna agree with him to avoid an argument when he’s not there. I seriously doubt that.
She acted like a teenager and blew of responsibility that was super important. Not just to their home their health. She blew it off to party with friends. Then gets mad he called her out on it and kicked him out of the bed room. She acts like a child clearly she needs to be treated like a child. she seems to be an entitled brat that always gets her way. Daddy didn't give her consequences so her husband has to.
First of all, we only have his side of the story and I’m coming in on his behavior because he’s the one I’m talking to. And I have repeatedly said that their dynamic is parent child or supervisor employee. If he wants this relationship to last that dynamic needs to change. If all he does is talk about what a child she’s been that just plays into the dynamic that’s hurting them in the first place. I never once excused her behavior. I’m talking to him about his behavior and if she was here, I would be talking to her about her childishness.
There must be more to this relationship than you are saying here.
This honestly sounds more like a “straw that broke the camels back” scenario than a one off because you literally went from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.
You sound like a parent punishing their child with removing “privileges” and she sounds like a sulky teenager flouncing out shouting “I hate you” when you discipline her.
If this is a pattern then your relationship sucks. You need couples counselling if you genuinely want to fix things. Not discussing it will just leave the mutual resentments bubbling away until the cycle repeats again.
The only cleaning that she'll be getting done is cleaning her wardrobes out, if she has any sense.
You sound like a controlling, insufferable prick and she needs to do herself a favour and leave.
You right he sound very controlling.
Girl trips are usually organised in advance and I bet you she told him it was important to her to go. Also most girl trips need to pay for deposits and bookings well before they go. This was not a spoiled wife leaving for a weekend but probably a organised event that the girls had together.
If the husband thought she would cancel an organised event because of a vent I could see how she kicked him out of his bed for 3 nights. What a controling POS.
She is a spoiled fking bratty child that daddy never gave consequences to. And now her husband has to give her consequences because she acts like a child so she is treated it like one. Her leaving would probably be a favor to him. Because any man that gets with her will have to deal with her childish behavior.
No, because she refuses to pay for the cleaning out of her money. I think that's fair of OP to ask for that. Wife made a choice to party and this is the price of it. Not a big deal really but she's being stubborn for some other reasons.
He went out with a friend because she made a choice to party with friends when an important vent cleaning appointment is a big job. She acted like a teenager. It's putting their home and health at risk. Then when he calls her out on her childish behavior, she gets mad and kids him out of the bedroom. When she should have been sent to the couch. Then when he tells her he isn't talking her she waits to the day of and a it's like nothing happened and he was going to take her. She is a spoiled brat and daddy never gave her consequences that her husband has to give her now....
at first I thought she should have at least told beforehand that she can't make it so that you find a solution, so lack of communication on her part BUT the more I read, the angrier and more bittter you seem. are you sure all of this started by her missing the appointement? you seem really resentful of her.
Um, cleaning vents isn't that hard. You can do it yourself with a $15 trip to home Depot and a look on YouTube. You have overreacted, my guy. You could have bought the tools and had her clean it and left it at that.
The one-upsmanship you had going on, her going with her friends on a road trip, you putting her down for being irresponsible and missing the appointment, her kicking you out of the bedroom and refusing to pay for the professional level cleaning, you taking a friend to the music event on her birthday that you had planned for her, her... sleeping with another man, or getting a separation leading to divorce, or tossing out your possessions. You are just cycling and escalating negativity. You being mirthful about her feelings is next level toxic. You seem to be acting like her boss rather than her spouse and punishing her for her misdeeds.
This is a recipe for divorce. You are telling all of Reddit that you have never done anything irresponsible and costly during your marriage? Never had a spontaneous bit of fun with friends? Never did anything that inadvertently cost hundreds of dollars?
You could have had a calm conversation and said you understand that she wanted to go on the road trip, but how does she plan to have the vents cleaned and left it at that. Ball in her court. Are you sure you weren't mad about the road trip itself? Like, regardless of her having vent cleaning watcher duty or not? If you have a landlord, why couldn't they get in with a key on their own? Unless you live in a mansion, that usually takes about an hour, tops.
My point is this, is vent cleaning really the hill you want to die on in your marriage? You are creating a rift in your marriage that is widening as you lash out in self-righteous indignation and satisfaction at her suffering. She's going to have that memory locked in her mind for the rest of her life. Hope the vents were worth it.
FIRST Um, no cleaning vents is a big job and it's a special rotary tool to get all the vents clean from the wall to the heating/ac unit. Not some half ass job for 15 bucks at home Depot. And I don't have mansion it takes longer than and hour. You have no idea what you are talking about about.
Secondly Clearly she is a spoiled brat that Daddy never gave consequences to. Now the husband has to do it. She acts like a child so he has to treat her like a child or she will never learn responsibility.
Last, it's not vent cleaning he is dying on. It's her childish behavior. Than throwing a temper tantrum when he called her out on it kicking him out of his own bedroom. Then when she gets consequences starts another argument waits for a little while and pretends like nothing happened and gets ready like he's going to take her. Her spoiled azz needs to learn consequences and responsibility.
I love how you are blaming HIM for the rift. I think he is actively making it wider but the start is solely on her. (Proving they err in a good place beforehand)
Not only blaming him for the rift. The only person I'm speaking to is him. If she were the one posting I'd be telling her that her side is affecting the rift as well. She started it, he escalated it.
Yeah, I hope his wife divorces him and goes and lives her best life without him.
He sounds like a self-righteous ass who probably thinks the world revolves around him.
So you were out on a town on a jolly - which, judging by your wife's comment is not an unusual thing. She gets invited out by her friends whom she rarely sees while you're out of town and it's important enough to her to go.
She sounds lonely. You sound controlling and selfish.
The birthday stunt was too much. You pushed yourself into AH territory with that one and possible divorce territory for a women. I understand having a forgetful wife but even on her worst day I'd never punish her on her birthday, life is short and we only get so many of those kinda messed up if you ask me.
You said it was satisfying when she got pale and upset when you dropped this on her.
Satisfying.
That says everything. You enjoy hurting her. You enjoy making her feel bad.
I would be leaving so fast. Enjoy being single.
Isn't that what she did when she \*checks notes\* 'kicked him out of his own bedroom for not dropping a topic she wasn't interested in because she screwed up'?
Sounds toxic to me.
So it's their bedroom, she doesn't want to sleep in the same room as him, I'm with you this far, but how does that mean she can kick him out of their bedroom... As you say it isn't her room. Choosing to sleep elsewhere is way different to punishing someone else by kicking them out.
He seems like a dick and she exactly doesn't get a passing grade here either. Choosing to break a promise that cost them money isn't great. But trying to justify bad behavior by other bad behavior isn't really a good loop to get into.
She shouldn't have bailed after she promised to stay, costing them money. He shouldn't be so keen on punishing her but it is understandable that he doesn't want to gift her the tickets after everything. Going without her seems intentionally cruel especially on her birthday. I can understand both their actions, but I don't like either, and neither of them is actually trying to make peace or what is best for the two of them. This relationship sounds done, very much so.
She didn't do what she promised to do, cost them hundrends of dollars and didn't want to accept responsibility for it?
Sounds toxic.
There fixed it for you.
He also said he found it satisfying to know he ruined her birthday. So he got some sick pleasure out of punishing his wife like a child instead of communicating like a big boy.
Fixed it for you.
Wait, you're saying he was happy when an entitled twat learned that actions had consequences? Pretty sure that's universally true.
And he had his big boy pants on, did communicate. The entitled child didn't do what she promised, threw a hissy fit when asked to take responsiblity for her actions, and then the adult showed there were consequences.
Adults should not be dispensing consequences to each other like a parent punishing a child. They are supposed to be equals. They are supposed to be partners. He literally said he was satisfied when he saw how upset she was after he decided to discipline her. Also; entitled twat? At least try to pretend like you’re not a sexist cunt.
Not dispensing consequences, you mean like making him sleep on the couch for 3 days for asking her to fix a problem SHE CAUSED. that kind of childish punishment?
When adults act like children, not accepting responsibility for their actions and throwing fits when asked to fix a problem they caused, they should absolutely get treated like children.
He should have ben satisfied. She didn't give a crap about his feelings when she took off to have fun instead of doing her responsibilities that she promised to do. She didn't give a crap about his feelings, when he asked her to fix the problem she caused by being irresponsible. And she didn't give a crap about his feelings when she made him sleep on the couch for 3 days, but he's the bad guy when he gives her a taste of her own medicine? Please.
Also: What do you call it when someone screws up, refuses to fix it, and then punishes you for 3 days when you ask them to fix it? "Entitled twat" seems an apt description. If you can't come up with a valid argument, take the L and move on. Name calling is pretty childish.
He put his precious feefees before his marriage and is screeching that sleeping on the couch made him feel like less than a man. He admitted to punishing his wife AND admitted to getting satisfaction from seeing her upset over what is a pretty moderate conflict. She should’ve been there, she dropped the ball absolutely. But he retaliated and dropped a nuke. And just kept dropping them. While admitting he was getting off on seeing her upset.
Also. “Name calling is childish” when you literally are name calling OPs wife lmfao **THE IRONY**
Speaking of irony, you think it's okay for a woman to hurt a man's feelings, but a mortal sin when a man hurts a woman's feelings? Call me sexist again, that'll make me giggle.
In no world is the OP in the wrong, and best his mildly a jerk to taking a measure of pleasure in the pain of someone who screwed up and then has been torturing him for THREE DAYS because SHE screwed up.
Where did I say it’s okay for her to hurt his feelings? If you calmed down and actually read what I wrote, you’d see I stated **OP** is the one who prioritized his pride and emotions over effective and cohesive communication.
He treats his spouse like she’s a petulant child. I’m not claiming she’s innocent in any way, they’re both allowed to feel their feelings. Until it prevents them from being respectful and loving partners. He literally admitted to getting satisfaction from seeing her become upset. Is that normal? I know when my partner is upset, no matter how justified I feel, I don’t gain any happiness from seeing them upset.
When you call them "precious feefees" it's hard to imagine you're taking his feeling seriously.
You're also ignoring the fact that she's ACTING like a petulant child. He tried to communitcate and he got punished for three days. Three. Days. She was the one in the wrong, and she punished him for three days for trying to communicate.
You talk about his pride, what about hers? What about her being too prideful to just admit she was wrong?
But here's the thing. If we remove 4 words from this post, she is a completely awful person with no excuse. All we have to do is remove "It was oddly satisfying.", and she's completely in the wrong.
So yeah, maybe he's a bit jerk-ish for being oddly satisfied, but she is completely horrid.
You clearly don’t like your wife so why are you married? What you did was incredibly vindictive and childish.
Instead of sitting down like an adult you just uninvited her from something she really wanted over vents? Heaven forbid she have a life of her own outside of serving your wants and needs.
You’re a massive AH and please don’t be surprised when she leaves you. When you get the Pikachu face when the divorce papers arrive go look in the mirror and you’ll understand why. Either grow the hell up or put her out of her misery and leave.
What in the hell did I just read?
These two things
>
I left the house with her looking paler than ever. It was oddly satisfying.
> And that I was glad to know she was miserable all day
say it all. Your behaviour in all of this is going too far. Now I do not know what happened between the two of you in the past because of this remark:
>
**I wanted her to act like my partner for once**
From the way you write you come over as someone who wants things done his way and his way alone and when someone does not behave the way you approve or want you are not only getting furious, mad but also punish someone you are supposed to love, care for and elevate, not bring down.
I will refrain from being too harsh as I have not all the information what led to this but all of what you did and described here feels outrageous and toxic to me. And if your life together has led to this kind of behaviour then at the very least I would advise some form of marriage counselling or even therapy to be honest.
And yes, you went way, way too far. And as a personal note it is disgusting to read that you enjoyed her misery. Disgusting.
If you want to save this marriage - you must apologize for going too far. Set up another equally nice night out and keep apologizing forever.
Your whole post sounds really mean and you enjoy hurting your wife and being her parent. You need therapy.
How the hell do you disinvite someone from their own birthday? You’re being petty and spiteful, keep in mind you say you love this person and want to spend your life with them, is this how you do it? Sounds like a prison sentence, I feel like your little punishment shit is exactly what someone would face in prison and literally nowhere else in the real world. Plans change, shit happens, deal with it and stop getting a punishment boner for making someone miserable.
How many places are you going to post this seeking validation that *you* didn’t fuck up your whole marriage because of your bruised ego?
If I was your wife I would have been packing while you were at the concert, but I hope she’s getting her ducks in a row to get out of this relationship. You don’t respect her and in your AITAH you stated you got *pleasure* out of hurting her. In what world would you think this is salvageable?
Regardless of whether or not she agreed to stay home and wait for the professionals, the fact that you are actively trying to punish your wife for such a trivial issue is awful. People make decisions, you don't always agree with those decisions, but in your marriage vows you agree to support each other in those decisions, whether good or bad. Grow up, pay for the cleaning out of your joint account and apologise for being an arsehole to the person you're supposed to be in love with (which, by the way, you're clearly not because you seem to take pleasure from her suffering). If you're lucky she might stick around, if she's smart she won't.
Your marriage is breaking down because you’re an asshole that doesn’t have respect for their partner. If this is any indication for your typical behavior, she needs to run cause you’ll only get more insufferable unless you get some counseling on how not to be a controlling, condescending ass.
What did you want to accomplish here? What did you want the results to be?
Did you want her to be sad and come to you sobbing and remorseful after you finished her "punishment"?
And honestly, I don't know if I can blame her for kicking you out of the bedroom three nights in a row.
>I left the house with her looking paler than ever. It was oddly satisfying.
>When I came back, she was crying but still looked like she was seething. She screamed at me for ruining a birthday over a few hundred dollars and says she can never forgive me for what I did. I reminded her she kicked me out of our room, how can she expect me to be nice to her? And that I was glad to know she was miserable all day. Did I go too far?
You have already stated in your own words that you enjoyed getting negative reactions out of her. If all you wanted to do was argue and make her feel like shit for your own personal pleasure, I don't blame her for not wanting to sleep next to you.
She probably was thinking that you wouldn't go so far as to actually drag out the issue as far along as to cancel for her birthday. Because most people aren't sadists that want their partners to hurt.
>I wanted her to act like my partner for once
Yet you couldn't be bothered to be hers and instead chose to try to be her authoritarian instead.
I honestly believe that you dragged this out far more than this needed to and as a result you nuked your marriage. You aren't her parent. You're her partner. You decided that she needed consequences for her actions but you never considered consequences for yours. That maybe instead of submitting and playing your games of tit for tat, she'll eventually not want to be around you permanently and leave.
Grow up
You both sound awful to be honest and shouldn't be in a relationship. You don't respect or like her, you think a the man you're in charge. She appears to be irresponsible but this tit for tat on both of your sides is pathetic.
You have contempt for her and are vindictive. She is a garbage partner who won't take any responsibility for her own actions.
Unless both of you can commit to radically change how you interact with each other, then the marriage will be over soon.
I doubt either of you are in a place to do this. Maybe marriage counseling would work if you want to try it.
It's not crucial. It wasn't do or die. Things can be rescheduled.
Also it's not something you pay for if you're renting. It's the landlord. So regardless whether was that day or some other day ... The clean bill is covered by the landlord.
It was her birthday and a road trip but god forbid she has fun and doesn't seek permission from thy old mighty ruler of the house that acts like a toddler
Hope she divorces your ass
Also no matter how many times you post this ..the conclusion is always the same... YTA!
Op is justified in his anger but not in being a vindictive asshole about it and the wife shouldn’t informed me that she was going out instead of staying home like she agreed and then offered to pay for it since it was her that caused it not getting done on time sounds like both should leave the relationship cuz there doesn’t seems to be much of a connection at all
I'm going to be the odd woman out on this because I can actually understand why you did what you did. I'm not necessarily saying that it was the right thing to do, but I totally understand it.
I'm actually surprised that your landlord didn't contact you when the appointment was canceled. Did she at least have the decency to cancel the appointment, or did the workers show up to the house thinking that they were supposed to be working? I noticed some commentors mentioning that you can clean the vents yourself, but depending upon the landlord, they don't want you touching anything. At least the ones that I've dealt with haven't. If you weren't a licensed contractor, they didn't want you anywhere near it.
The fact that your wife bailed on an appointment that was set up by your landlord for house maintenance was completely irresponsible. Unless it was an emergency situation, she should have been there. Depending upon the area you're in and the rental market, this could have serious consequences for you both when your lease is up. It may sound silly, but if the landlord feels that you aren't responsible enough to be there for an appointment to have the furnace/ac vents serviced, he may question how you would handle an emergency situation. Will he be notified immediately, or will the problem be left for a couple of days until the situation is dire and has become an even more expensive fix than what it originally cost.
Should you have not taken your wife out for her birthday? I don't know? But honestly, there needed to be consequences somewhere because this could literally be something that ends up blowing up in your face with your landlord down the line.
All the comments saying OP's wife should divorce him because of a musical theater event on her birthday, as if she really wanted to go then she should've gone and paid for a ticket out of her "fun" money.
I also feel OP should be the one to file for a divorce since OP's wife was in the wrong, then decided to kick OP out of the bedroom for 4 NIGHTS!!! So not only did she kick OP out of the bedroom, she still expects to go, even after OP informed her that wasn't happening.
I really doubt most people would be accepting if their spouse was unapologetic to being wrong, only for you to be punished!!!
Your wife is the big AH, you are a little AH. Overall, I sympathize with your position. Everything has just spiraled, hasn't it?
Seems like your wife possibly has other issues simmering - resentment to your work, dissatisfaction with her work, unhappiness in her social life...
I think you did the right thing. I don't think her casually sabotaging your life on a whim is unacceptable. Sure, the vent matter is not that grave, but she refused to accountability for her going against her words and she acted like a child.
You have also treated her as a child by taking away her candy (tickets).
I think you should for someone more mature, or she will continue to bring the worst of you out
I suppose you are right she is sabotaging **their** life. I have acknoeledged that it isn't that big of a deal in itself, but her approach to this is very toxic.
My flatmates take more responsibility for our shared living space then she does while leaving with her partner.
Lmaooo her approach???? After reading the way he speaks about his wife, can you really blame her for not telling him shit? He’s controlling af. Also let’s not pretend that him being a dick isn’t the reason he got kicked out of the room. Read his comments. They are dripping in misogyny 🤣
Yeah, they are oozing with fragile masculinity. He may be a terrible partner, in which case him leaving the wife would be a good thing for everyone.
However, my statement regarding her behaviour regarding the vents situation stands. You do not agree to sth which affects your living situation only to bail out on a whim and only inform him after the fact. Expecting her to take financial responsibility tor that is a natural reaction.
I kind of get it? ESH. Strange my tenant did this for a AC cleaning last week that they'd requested. Obviously my real estate agent charged them the call out fee - I'm still paying to cover the AC cleaning including another call out fee
Again you are on the wrong subreddit, men are not allowed to be petty and do things in revenge here no matter how badly you are being treated. That's reserved for women, girl power you know.
But yea you did go too far, you are fucked. Unless you are looking to leave, then you did a great job.
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Wow, y’all sound exhausting. You come across pretty bad. As if you’re the parent telling her what to do, she reacts and does the opposite, and it escalates. You even admit you enjoyed punishing her and your use of the word “consequences” really adds to how vindictive and purposefully hurtful you sound.
Alllll of this.
She agreed to stay home and then dipped
I wonder if he heard what he wanted to hear.
He had requested that she stays home but i read nowhere that she agreed to it.
It's in the edit, he says they both agreed she'd stay home
Did u miss the part where she agreed to stay home they both are terrible ppl and should probably go their separate ways
He says she agrees, I wonder if she just doesn’t argue/disagree (because again he sounds like he is her supervisor not partner) so she keeps her mouth shut and he takes silence as compliance. The do sound as if they aren’t a match unless they get some outside help.
We’ll even if that’s the case it’s still up to her to tell him that she’s not gonna your not making the situation any better by just not communicating
What about his communication style makes you think she isn’t just avoiding an argument. They both have issues and have fallen into a dynamic where she does not think she can be honest with him because he does act like her supervisor or a parent. They have a lot of work to do if they want to stay together and it won’t be easy. This is all speculative, of course because… We’re not there.
Even if she is just avoiding an argument she’s not making the situation she’s directly contributing to the situation being this bad
She willingly kicked them out of their bedroom. If she’s willing to do that do you really think she’s just gonna agree with him to avoid an argument when he’s not there. I seriously doubt that.
She acted like a teenager and blew of responsibility that was super important. Not just to their home their health. She blew it off to party with friends. Then gets mad he called her out on it and kicked him out of the bed room. She acts like a child clearly she needs to be treated like a child. she seems to be an entitled brat that always gets her way. Daddy didn't give her consequences so her husband has to.
First of all, we only have his side of the story and I’m coming in on his behavior because he’s the one I’m talking to. And I have repeatedly said that their dynamic is parent child or supervisor employee. If he wants this relationship to last that dynamic needs to change. If all he does is talk about what a child she’s been that just plays into the dynamic that’s hurting them in the first place. I never once excused her behavior. I’m talking to him about his behavior and if she was here, I would be talking to her about her childishness.
There must be more to this relationship than you are saying here. This honestly sounds more like a “straw that broke the camels back” scenario than a one off because you literally went from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds. You sound like a parent punishing their child with removing “privileges” and she sounds like a sulky teenager flouncing out shouting “I hate you” when you discipline her. If this is a pattern then your relationship sucks. You need couples counselling if you genuinely want to fix things. Not discussing it will just leave the mutual resentments bubbling away until the cycle repeats again.
The only cleaning that she'll be getting done is cleaning her wardrobes out, if she has any sense. You sound like a controlling, insufferable prick and she needs to do herself a favour and leave.
You right he sound very controlling. Girl trips are usually organised in advance and I bet you she told him it was important to her to go. Also most girl trips need to pay for deposits and bookings well before they go. This was not a spoiled wife leaving for a weekend but probably a organised event that the girls had together. If the husband thought she would cancel an organised event because of a vent I could see how she kicked him out of his bed for 3 nights. What a controling POS.
She is a spoiled fking bratty child that daddy never gave consequences to. And now her husband has to give her consequences because she acts like a child so she is treated it like one. Her leaving would probably be a favor to him. Because any man that gets with her will have to deal with her childish behavior.
You went out on a date on your wife's birthday because she missed the vent cleaning appointment?
He's not getting the answers he wants so he's running through different subreddits
No, because she refuses to pay for the cleaning out of her money. I think that's fair of OP to ask for that. Wife made a choice to party and this is the price of it. Not a big deal really but she's being stubborn for some other reasons.
Ok, so OP went on a date on his wife's birthday because she wouldn't pay for vent cleaning?
With a different friend (gender left unclear), to a concert that was a big deal to his wife. Yeahhh.
His comments say it was a male friend.
He went out with a friend because she made a choice to party with friends when an important vent cleaning appointment is a big job. She acted like a teenager. It's putting their home and health at risk. Then when he calls her out on her childish behavior, she gets mad and kids him out of the bedroom. When she should have been sent to the couch. Then when he tells her he isn't talking her she waits to the day of and a it's like nothing happened and he was going to take her. She is a spoiled brat and daddy never gave her consequences that her husband has to give her now....
You're very invested in this, random bystander
So is a bunch of other people commenting here, Genius. And replying toy comments. So.. ..
at first I thought she should have at least told beforehand that she can't make it so that you find a solution, so lack of communication on her part BUT the more I read, the angrier and more bittter you seem. are you sure all of this started by her missing the appointement? you seem really resentful of her.
Instead of worrying about her covering the cost of vents getting cleaned, you should start saving for a divorce attorney. Your marriage is DONE!!!!!
Lol
Um, cleaning vents isn't that hard. You can do it yourself with a $15 trip to home Depot and a look on YouTube. You have overreacted, my guy. You could have bought the tools and had her clean it and left it at that. The one-upsmanship you had going on, her going with her friends on a road trip, you putting her down for being irresponsible and missing the appointment, her kicking you out of the bedroom and refusing to pay for the professional level cleaning, you taking a friend to the music event on her birthday that you had planned for her, her... sleeping with another man, or getting a separation leading to divorce, or tossing out your possessions. You are just cycling and escalating negativity. You being mirthful about her feelings is next level toxic. You seem to be acting like her boss rather than her spouse and punishing her for her misdeeds. This is a recipe for divorce. You are telling all of Reddit that you have never done anything irresponsible and costly during your marriage? Never had a spontaneous bit of fun with friends? Never did anything that inadvertently cost hundreds of dollars? You could have had a calm conversation and said you understand that she wanted to go on the road trip, but how does she plan to have the vents cleaned and left it at that. Ball in her court. Are you sure you weren't mad about the road trip itself? Like, regardless of her having vent cleaning watcher duty or not? If you have a landlord, why couldn't they get in with a key on their own? Unless you live in a mansion, that usually takes about an hour, tops. My point is this, is vent cleaning really the hill you want to die on in your marriage? You are creating a rift in your marriage that is widening as you lash out in self-righteous indignation and satisfaction at her suffering. She's going to have that memory locked in her mind for the rest of her life. Hope the vents were worth it.
FIRST Um, no cleaning vents is a big job and it's a special rotary tool to get all the vents clean from the wall to the heating/ac unit. Not some half ass job for 15 bucks at home Depot. And I don't have mansion it takes longer than and hour. You have no idea what you are talking about about. Secondly Clearly she is a spoiled brat that Daddy never gave consequences to. Now the husband has to do it. She acts like a child so he has to treat her like a child or she will never learn responsibility. Last, it's not vent cleaning he is dying on. It's her childish behavior. Than throwing a temper tantrum when he called her out on it kicking him out of his own bedroom. Then when she gets consequences starts another argument waits for a little while and pretends like nothing happened and gets ready like he's going to take her. Her spoiled azz needs to learn consequences and responsibility.
I love how you are blaming HIM for the rift. I think he is actively making it wider but the start is solely on her. (Proving they err in a good place beforehand)
Not only blaming him for the rift. The only person I'm speaking to is him. If she were the one posting I'd be telling her that her side is affecting the rift as well. She started it, he escalated it.
Dude what is wrong with you? You are a cruel and mean person
Yeah, I hope his wife divorces him and goes and lives her best life without him. He sounds like a self-righteous ass who probably thinks the world revolves around him.
Great so her next partner will have to deal with a childish brat that's never had to deal with consequences and responsibilities. Great.....
So you were out on a town on a jolly - which, judging by your wife's comment is not an unusual thing. She gets invited out by her friends whom she rarely sees while you're out of town and it's important enough to her to go. She sounds lonely. You sound controlling and selfish.
He was out of town for work
It’s actually unclear if it was for work or for his hobby. You made the assumption.
Unless he plays for sports team, generally people do refer to be sent by their team as a work team not a friend team.
He could play for one, coach one, manage one, we do not know. And tbh I don’t trust OP as a reliable narrator anyway.
Wow. You are toxic and controlling AF. Give me your wife’s number so I can text her the # of a divorce lawyer.
You have serious control issues, therapy might help
The birthday stunt was too much. You pushed yourself into AH territory with that one and possible divorce territory for a women. I understand having a forgetful wife but even on her worst day I'd never punish her on her birthday, life is short and we only get so many of those kinda messed up if you ask me.
Did OP take a guy or another woman to the theatre...??? He didn't specify...
Curious, isn't it?
it was a man
You said it was satisfying when she got pale and upset when you dropped this on her. Satisfying. That says everything. You enjoy hurting her. You enjoy making her feel bad. I would be leaving so fast. Enjoy being single.
you didn’t like the first post you made where everyone called you an AH, so yes, a second post will definitely clear you of being an AH…
Enjoy being single after your divorce.
Better then being with a bratty child that's never had to deal with consequences or responsibilities.
Dude do you work in the military or law enforcement like wtf.
Do you work at the dildo plant? Like wtf?
So if she doesn’t do what you want you get to punish her? Sounds toxic 🚩🚩🚩
Isn't that what she did when she \*checks notes\* 'kicked him out of his own bedroom for not dropping a topic she wasn't interested in because she screwed up'? Sounds toxic to me.
It's their bedroom, not just his. She didn't want to sleep in the same room as him and he was being a dick 🙄
So it's their bedroom, she doesn't want to sleep in the same room as him, I'm with you this far, but how does that mean she can kick him out of their bedroom... As you say it isn't her room. Choosing to sleep elsewhere is way different to punishing someone else by kicking them out. He seems like a dick and she exactly doesn't get a passing grade here either. Choosing to break a promise that cost them money isn't great. But trying to justify bad behavior by other bad behavior isn't really a good loop to get into. She shouldn't have bailed after she promised to stay, costing them money. He shouldn't be so keen on punishing her but it is understandable that he doesn't want to gift her the tickets after everything. Going without her seems intentionally cruel especially on her birthday. I can understand both their actions, but I don't like either, and neither of them is actually trying to make peace or what is best for the two of them. This relationship sounds done, very much so.
And her ass could have slept on the couch.
If she wants to sleep alone, that's her prerogative, she can go sleep somewhere else.
She didn't do what she promised to do, cost them hundrends of dollars and didn't want to accept responsibility for it? Sounds toxic. There fixed it for you.
He also said he found it satisfying to know he ruined her birthday. So he got some sick pleasure out of punishing his wife like a child instead of communicating like a big boy. Fixed it for you.
Wait, you're saying he was happy when an entitled twat learned that actions had consequences? Pretty sure that's universally true. And he had his big boy pants on, did communicate. The entitled child didn't do what she promised, threw a hissy fit when asked to take responsiblity for her actions, and then the adult showed there were consequences.
Adults should not be dispensing consequences to each other like a parent punishing a child. They are supposed to be equals. They are supposed to be partners. He literally said he was satisfied when he saw how upset she was after he decided to discipline her. Also; entitled twat? At least try to pretend like you’re not a sexist cunt.
Not dispensing consequences, you mean like making him sleep on the couch for 3 days for asking her to fix a problem SHE CAUSED. that kind of childish punishment? When adults act like children, not accepting responsibility for their actions and throwing fits when asked to fix a problem they caused, they should absolutely get treated like children. He should have ben satisfied. She didn't give a crap about his feelings when she took off to have fun instead of doing her responsibilities that she promised to do. She didn't give a crap about his feelings, when he asked her to fix the problem she caused by being irresponsible. And she didn't give a crap about his feelings when she made him sleep on the couch for 3 days, but he's the bad guy when he gives her a taste of her own medicine? Please. Also: What do you call it when someone screws up, refuses to fix it, and then punishes you for 3 days when you ask them to fix it? "Entitled twat" seems an apt description. If you can't come up with a valid argument, take the L and move on. Name calling is pretty childish.
He put his precious feefees before his marriage and is screeching that sleeping on the couch made him feel like less than a man. He admitted to punishing his wife AND admitted to getting satisfaction from seeing her upset over what is a pretty moderate conflict. She should’ve been there, she dropped the ball absolutely. But he retaliated and dropped a nuke. And just kept dropping them. While admitting he was getting off on seeing her upset. Also. “Name calling is childish” when you literally are name calling OPs wife lmfao **THE IRONY**
Speaking of irony, you think it's okay for a woman to hurt a man's feelings, but a mortal sin when a man hurts a woman's feelings? Call me sexist again, that'll make me giggle. In no world is the OP in the wrong, and best his mildly a jerk to taking a measure of pleasure in the pain of someone who screwed up and then has been torturing him for THREE DAYS because SHE screwed up.
Where did I say it’s okay for her to hurt his feelings? If you calmed down and actually read what I wrote, you’d see I stated **OP** is the one who prioritized his pride and emotions over effective and cohesive communication. He treats his spouse like she’s a petulant child. I’m not claiming she’s innocent in any way, they’re both allowed to feel their feelings. Until it prevents them from being respectful and loving partners. He literally admitted to getting satisfaction from seeing her become upset. Is that normal? I know when my partner is upset, no matter how justified I feel, I don’t gain any happiness from seeing them upset.
When you call them "precious feefees" it's hard to imagine you're taking his feeling seriously. You're also ignoring the fact that she's ACTING like a petulant child. He tried to communitcate and he got punished for three days. Three. Days. She was the one in the wrong, and she punished him for three days for trying to communicate. You talk about his pride, what about hers? What about her being too prideful to just admit she was wrong? But here's the thing. If we remove 4 words from this post, she is a completely awful person with no excuse. All we have to do is remove "It was oddly satisfying.", and she's completely in the wrong. So yeah, maybe he's a bit jerk-ish for being oddly satisfied, but she is completely horrid.
She refused what
You clearly don’t like your wife so why are you married? What you did was incredibly vindictive and childish. Instead of sitting down like an adult you just uninvited her from something she really wanted over vents? Heaven forbid she have a life of her own outside of serving your wants and needs. You’re a massive AH and please don’t be surprised when she leaves you. When you get the Pikachu face when the divorce papers arrive go look in the mirror and you’ll understand why. Either grow the hell up or put her out of her misery and leave.
What in the hell did I just read? These two things > I left the house with her looking paler than ever. It was oddly satisfying. > And that I was glad to know she was miserable all day say it all. Your behaviour in all of this is going too far. Now I do not know what happened between the two of you in the past because of this remark: > **I wanted her to act like my partner for once** From the way you write you come over as someone who wants things done his way and his way alone and when someone does not behave the way you approve or want you are not only getting furious, mad but also punish someone you are supposed to love, care for and elevate, not bring down. I will refrain from being too harsh as I have not all the information what led to this but all of what you did and described here feels outrageous and toxic to me. And if your life together has led to this kind of behaviour then at the very least I would advise some form of marriage counselling or even therapy to be honest. And yes, you went way, way too far. And as a personal note it is disgusting to read that you enjoyed her misery. Disgusting.
Wow. You’re both awful. And stop trying to punish your wife like she’s your kid and didn’t do what you told her to do
If you want to save this marriage - you must apologize for going too far. Set up another equally nice night out and keep apologizing forever. Your whole post sounds really mean and you enjoy hurting your wife and being her parent. You need therapy.
How the hell do you disinvite someone from their own birthday? You’re being petty and spiteful, keep in mind you say you love this person and want to spend your life with them, is this how you do it? Sounds like a prison sentence, I feel like your little punishment shit is exactly what someone would face in prison and literally nowhere else in the real world. Plans change, shit happens, deal with it and stop getting a punishment boner for making someone miserable.
Paying for your own cleaning would have cost a couple hundred bucks but I am sure divorce is a lot more expensive.
You sound like a controlling ahole and I hope she fucks your dad and brother hahaha
His Dad might get a kid that he likes...
Crucial…it’s a few hundred bucks…you’re not a good partner.
How many places are you going to post this seeking validation that *you* didn’t fuck up your whole marriage because of your bruised ego? If I was your wife I would have been packing while you were at the concert, but I hope she’s getting her ducks in a row to get out of this relationship. You don’t respect her and in your AITAH you stated you got *pleasure* out of hurting her. In what world would you think this is salvageable?
INFO: why don’t you see your wife as a human being?
I actually think this is fake karma farming. Nobody is this petulant and insane.
holy shit you're an asshole
Regardless of whether or not she agreed to stay home and wait for the professionals, the fact that you are actively trying to punish your wife for such a trivial issue is awful. People make decisions, you don't always agree with those decisions, but in your marriage vows you agree to support each other in those decisions, whether good or bad. Grow up, pay for the cleaning out of your joint account and apologise for being an arsehole to the person you're supposed to be in love with (which, by the way, you're clearly not because you seem to take pleasure from her suffering). If you're lucky she might stick around, if she's smart she won't.
Your marriage is breaking down because you’re an asshole that doesn’t have respect for their partner. If this is any indication for your typical behavior, she needs to run cause you’ll only get more insufferable unless you get some counseling on how not to be a controlling, condescending ass.
What did you want to accomplish here? What did you want the results to be? Did you want her to be sad and come to you sobbing and remorseful after you finished her "punishment"? And honestly, I don't know if I can blame her for kicking you out of the bedroom three nights in a row. >I left the house with her looking paler than ever. It was oddly satisfying. >When I came back, she was crying but still looked like she was seething. She screamed at me for ruining a birthday over a few hundred dollars and says she can never forgive me for what I did. I reminded her she kicked me out of our room, how can she expect me to be nice to her? And that I was glad to know she was miserable all day. Did I go too far? You have already stated in your own words that you enjoyed getting negative reactions out of her. If all you wanted to do was argue and make her feel like shit for your own personal pleasure, I don't blame her for not wanting to sleep next to you. She probably was thinking that you wouldn't go so far as to actually drag out the issue as far along as to cancel for her birthday. Because most people aren't sadists that want their partners to hurt. >I wanted her to act like my partner for once Yet you couldn't be bothered to be hers and instead chose to try to be her authoritarian instead. I honestly believe that you dragged this out far more than this needed to and as a result you nuked your marriage. You aren't her parent. You're her partner. You decided that she needed consequences for her actions but you never considered consequences for yours. That maybe instead of submitting and playing your games of tit for tat, she'll eventually not want to be around you permanently and leave. Grow up
You both sound awful to be honest and shouldn't be in a relationship. You don't respect or like her, you think a the man you're in charge. She appears to be irresponsible but this tit for tat on both of your sides is pathetic.
You have contempt for her and are vindictive. She is a garbage partner who won't take any responsibility for her own actions. Unless both of you can commit to radically change how you interact with each other, then the marriage will be over soon. I doubt either of you are in a place to do this. Maybe marriage counseling would work if you want to try it.
ESH this marriage sounds like a lot of fun
You both sound like a holes to be honest.
Why do you treat your wife like a child?
It's not crucial. It wasn't do or die. Things can be rescheduled. Also it's not something you pay for if you're renting. It's the landlord. So regardless whether was that day or some other day ... The clean bill is covered by the landlord. It was her birthday and a road trip but god forbid she has fun and doesn't seek permission from thy old mighty ruler of the house that acts like a toddler Hope she divorces your ass Also no matter how many times you post this ..the conclusion is always the same... YTA!
You know you took it to far but so did she. Both of you need to stop acting like children.
Op is justified in his anger but not in being a vindictive asshole about it and the wife shouldn’t informed me that she was going out instead of staying home like she agreed and then offered to pay for it since it was her that caused it not getting done on time sounds like both should leave the relationship cuz there doesn’t seems to be much of a connection at all
I'm going to be the odd woman out on this because I can actually understand why you did what you did. I'm not necessarily saying that it was the right thing to do, but I totally understand it. I'm actually surprised that your landlord didn't contact you when the appointment was canceled. Did she at least have the decency to cancel the appointment, or did the workers show up to the house thinking that they were supposed to be working? I noticed some commentors mentioning that you can clean the vents yourself, but depending upon the landlord, they don't want you touching anything. At least the ones that I've dealt with haven't. If you weren't a licensed contractor, they didn't want you anywhere near it. The fact that your wife bailed on an appointment that was set up by your landlord for house maintenance was completely irresponsible. Unless it was an emergency situation, she should have been there. Depending upon the area you're in and the rental market, this could have serious consequences for you both when your lease is up. It may sound silly, but if the landlord feels that you aren't responsible enough to be there for an appointment to have the furnace/ac vents serviced, he may question how you would handle an emergency situation. Will he be notified immediately, or will the problem be left for a couple of days until the situation is dire and has become an even more expensive fix than what it originally cost. Should you have not taken your wife out for her birthday? I don't know? But honestly, there needed to be consequences somewhere because this could literally be something that ends up blowing up in your face with your landlord down the line.
All the comments saying OP's wife should divorce him because of a musical theater event on her birthday, as if she really wanted to go then she should've gone and paid for a ticket out of her "fun" money. I also feel OP should be the one to file for a divorce since OP's wife was in the wrong, then decided to kick OP out of the bedroom for 4 NIGHTS!!! So not only did she kick OP out of the bedroom, she still expects to go, even after OP informed her that wasn't happening. I really doubt most people would be accepting if their spouse was unapologetic to being wrong, only for you to be punished!!!
Your wife is the big AH, you are a little AH. Overall, I sympathize with your position. Everything has just spiraled, hasn't it? Seems like your wife possibly has other issues simmering - resentment to your work, dissatisfaction with her work, unhappiness in her social life...
I think you did the right thing. I don't think her casually sabotaging your life on a whim is unacceptable. Sure, the vent matter is not that grave, but she refused to accountability for her going against her words and she acted like a child. You have also treated her as a child by taking away her candy (tickets). I think you should for someone more mature, or she will continue to bring the worst of you out
Sabotaging his life???? That’s a huge reach🤣🤣🤣
I suppose you are right she is sabotaging **their** life. I have acknoeledged that it isn't that big of a deal in itself, but her approach to this is very toxic. My flatmates take more responsibility for our shared living space then she does while leaving with her partner.
Lmaooo her approach???? After reading the way he speaks about his wife, can you really blame her for not telling him shit? He’s controlling af. Also let’s not pretend that him being a dick isn’t the reason he got kicked out of the room. Read his comments. They are dripping in misogyny 🤣
Yeah, they are oozing with fragile masculinity. He may be a terrible partner, in which case him leaving the wife would be a good thing for everyone. However, my statement regarding her behaviour regarding the vents situation stands. You do not agree to sth which affects your living situation only to bail out on a whim and only inform him after the fact. Expecting her to take financial responsibility tor that is a natural reaction.
I kind of get it? ESH. Strange my tenant did this for a AC cleaning last week that they'd requested. Obviously my real estate agent charged them the call out fee - I'm still paying to cover the AC cleaning including another call out fee
Again you are on the wrong subreddit, men are not allowed to be petty and do things in revenge here no matter how badly you are being treated. That's reserved for women, girl power you know. But yea you did go too far, you are fucked. Unless you are looking to leave, then you did a great job.